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Zelos is about as far from an angel as he can get, but his nights are just as sleepless.
Make no mistake, he's earned everything that comes his way. Every curse Cruxis might send down for his treachery, every doubt scorching him inside, every memory still caging him in, Zelos welcomes into what remains of his heart. And all the while, his thoughts more than make up for the silence he has endured ever since the Tower of Salvation: only Lloyd and, of all people, Colette has spoken to him tonight.
They didn't suspect a thing, but they were the ones he was least worried about fooling. Even Raine and Regal, older and more suspicious, and Genis and Presea, wise beyond their years, believed him the fool he acted. But Sheena watched Zelos more carefully than most, and knew what to look for besides. It was nothing short of a miracle that he had enough luck to hide his double-dealings from eyes that sharp.
It was because of the look in those eyes that they had split, what seems like so long ago.
Most lovers come and go, sensations fleeting and impressions blurring together, but Zelos remembers Sheena in more detail than he would like. She's known him since he was nineteen years old, and knew him better than anyone else by his twentieth birthday. But she never admitted she liked him, not even as a friend, till she was eighteen and a little bit tipsy, and their first kiss tasted like plum wine.
Zelos had done much more than kissing by then, but that one felt like his first, too. Soft and tentative, clumsy, the aftermath a dissolution into self-conscious giggles. That was the night his eyes opened. Sheena may have been the only one who truly saw him, but he saw her too: beautiful, bashful, blushing at the slightest provocation before she hit him out of embarrassment.
But it was Sheena's innocence, real and precious, that truly drew Zelos in. Despite her figure, her exterior was rough and often unkempt, and when they had first met, the only physical contact she'd understood had been hand-to-hand combat. It would have been easy for the younger and even more impetuous Zelos to squander the chance to develop a closer connection, but her standoffishness bought him enough time to discover how much he needed someone—needed her.
But it ended, like everything else Zelos touches, in catastrophe. Sheena could see through him, even when he wished she couldn't. She knew he was hiding things, knew he was troubled, asked him to tell her when things bothered him. He said he would, and didn't. It was not, as she accused him once her patience wore thin, because he did not trust her. But what was there to say? That his destiny bothered him, his very existence bothered him?
It was easier to cut ties. To cut Sheena loose, convince her that he wasn't worth it—an easy truth to prove, in Zelos's estimation. She'd been trying to break him of more than a few habits, lying among them, but her lessons didn't stick once he got enough whiskey in his system. He said that she didn't put out enough, that he wasn't cut out for monogamy, that some exile from Mizuho wasn't a suitable choice of partner for the Chosen. And through all her screams that he was lying, he must be lying, she knew he was lying, he bit his tongue till he tasted blood rather than tell the truth.
Zelos thought that he'd left Sheena with no choice save to believe him, but she never did. Her eyes were as hurt as they were angry, and he'll never forget the look of betrayal she tossed him, slinging her satchel over her shoulder and stalking out of the house. That night was the last time Zelos remembers having cried until his eyes and nose turned as red as his hair.
Every dalliance since then has been a blur, but through it all, Sheena drifts through Zelos's thoughts. He sees the glint of greed in his many lovers' eyes, sees how they tailor themselves to what they think he wants, and for the first moments, all he can think of is Sheena. Her, wearing less makeup than Zelos, uncertainty and excitement mingling in her expression—her, holding him down and pushing her hips back and rocking till her legs trembled from the effort.
Taking a deep breath, Zelos tries to clear his mind and rolls out of bed. This kind of reminiscing is reflexive; he isn't in the mood for self-indulgence tonight. Even if he was, he doesn't deserve the satisfaction. What he deserves is nothing more and nothing less than Sheena's judgment, and it worries him that she hasn't delivered it yet.
Since their latest journey began, Zelos has done his best to joke with her, to keep things lighthearted, since they had little choice but to work together. And he could tell that Sheena was only feigning indifference to those attempts, but beneath was less the lingering warmth that he can't fully conceal, and more a profound confusion and sadness. Even that has faded over time, and now, Zelos doesn't know if she feels anything for him at all.
Maybe that's why his feet have brought him to Sheena's room.
Before he can think better of it, Zelos raises his hand and knocks on the door. But in the pause that follows, long enough that he thinks Sheena is asleep, his trepidation catches up with him. Zelos may crave her wrath, but she may not want to face him long enough to take it out on him. He thinks he might hear her ask who is it, but he's already leaving, as impulsively as he arrived.
As Zelos exits the inn, a gust of late-night wind washes over him. The breeze is cold, but the air is sweet and fresh enough that he almost doesn't mind breathing. He doesn't know where he means to go until he reaches the brook, and comes to a stop. It feels like he's reached a point of no return—like if he takes one more step forward, he'll never be able to come back. But, listening to the whisper of the rustling leaves, Zelos can't help but think that maybe it would be better for everyone if he just disappeared.
"Zelos."
He'd be lying, as usual, if he said he wasn't surprised to hear Sheena say his name—especially from so close by. Damn that shinobi training; he can never hear her coming. "Hey, Sheena," says Zelos, turning around, but cannot bring himself to smile, and a flippant we've got to stop meeting like this dies on his tongue. "Still awake?"
"It was you, wasn't it?" Sheena's question is a rhetorical one. The fact that she approaches surprises Zelos all the more. "What do you want?"
Sheena's tone is only direct, more curious than angry, but it is all too easy for Zelos to imagine it as hostile. Maybe he should just go back to his room at the inn and try to get some sleep, and let go of everything he's thought about tonight. "Forget it."
Scowling, Sheena slides in front of Zelos before he makes it more than a couple steps. "You're not going anywhere. I wanna talk to you."
"That's a first," says Zelos, to cover up his astonishment. He thinks of cutting and running, again, but he knows that he won't be able to escape this time. Most of him doesn't want to anymore. Otherwise, he'd have been across that brook and out of Heimdall without a second thought or backwards glance. (He always liked saving those for later.) "What is there to say?"
Sheena sighs, crossing her arms. "You're not thinking about leaving, are you?"
That gives Zelos pause. Not only because she can read him—that much is nothing new—but because she sounds so disapproving. "Since when have you cared whether or not I've stuck around?"
"Since always," says Sheena, exasperated, her answer too immediate to be a lie. "You may be an idiot, but we need you. Besides, you can't just run off on your own after everything you did today." She shifts slightly forward, putting her hands on her hips as if about to launch into an interrogation. "What were you thinking?"
"Could you be a little more specific?"
Sheena rolls her eyes. "Back there, betraying us like that. How much of what you said was true?"
Zelos gives a humorless chuckle. "That was the most honest I've ever been."
"Liar."
"Yeah?" Zelos steps forward. Sheena stands her ground. "I wish I was lying. I wish I didn't hate everything I'm supposed to be. I wish I cared more about doing the right thing, and less about which side is stronger. I wish I could have enough faith to believe that anything can change." More than anything else, Zelos wishes that he could just live his life like a normal person. "But the only lie I told today is that I chose Cruxis in the end."
As Zelos speaks, Sheena's expression clouds. "You still don't think we can win?"
"That's not what I said," says Zelos, raising his voice to deter Sheena from interrupting. "I think you can win; I just think the odds are insane. But that's not stopping me from taking them anyway."
"We," says Sheena, and Zelos looks at her blankly until she sighs. "We can win." Zelos has no idea how to respond to her encouragement, but is thankfully spared from coming up with a reply. "Why'd you side with us, then? If you really do think Cruxis is stronger?"
"You want the truth?" Zelos already knows the answer, taking a couple more steps forward to stand directly before Sheena. She deserves the truth, even though it's always been the hardest thing to give her. "I don't have a goddamn thing to lose."
Whatever Sheena may have expected, this clearly wasn't it. She looks at him for a long time, searching his face for… Zelos doesn't know what. Maybe his tells, but lying has become so instinctive for him that he doesn't know if he has any, anymore. Even in the full moonlight, Zelos can't see all the nuance in Sheena's expression, and he doubts she can see his.
When Sheena finally speaks, her voice is hushed. "Nothing?"
"Nothing that matters to me is mine." The greatest lie Zelos has ever told is that he cares only about himself. It takes talent to fool both worlds into believing something so diametrically opposed to the truth. Sheena narrows her eyes, and Zelos meets them. "Don't look at me like that. I thought you liked it when I told the truth."
"I don't want you to lie to me," says Sheena, her voice sharpening. As much as Zelos likes that tone, he likes it even better when he can feel its edge on his neck. "I just want that truth to change. I… I want to make it change." She lets out a long breath that turns into a weary laugh. "You're really a piece of work, you know that?"
Zelos feels the corner of his mouth twitch. People have called him pieces of worse. "Takes one to know one."
"At least I don't go around pretending to betray my friends," says Sheena, but she isn't serious enough for it to hurt. Rather, there is a desperate sort of humor in her tone, a need to lighten some of the heaviness settling ever more rapidly on their shoulders.
"Hey, at least I was just pretending," says Zelos, playing along with Sheena's mood. To a large extent, he shares it. "And I helped save you after that, remember? Maybe I should've just left you hanging there."
Sheena snorted. "You wouldn't."
The air between them feels a little more relaxed for a moment, but then Zelos remembers how easily she threw herself into that trap, just to make sure Lloyd didn't get hurt instead. Zelos wishes he wasn't the kind of person to get jealous over an ex, but he is. Or maybe it's envy: Lloyd is a much better person than he can even dream of becoming.
The thought dislodges some words stuck in Zelos's throat. "Listen, Sheena," he says, but almost falters when she looks up at him. "I'm… sorry." Honestly, at this point, he doesn't even know what exactly he's sorry for. Not because he hasn't done anything wrong, but because he hasn't done anything right. Still, some sins are bigger than others, so apologizing for tonight is probably a good start.
Sheena studies the ground briefly, then glances up and meets Zelos's eyes. "It's okay."
Zelos was barely expecting to be taken seriously, let alone forgiven. "What?"
"Everything turned out all right in the end," says Sheena, slowly, as if to remind herself too. "We made it out alive, and you're on our side. Right?"
Though the look Sheena gives him is pointed, a softness lingers in her eyes. It reminds Zelos too much of the way she used to gaze at him just before they kissed, and he glances away so as not to tempt himself. There's no way she's thinking along the same lines. "Right."
"Look at me," says Sheena, as gentle and firm as ever—the same tone she always used to tell Zelos exactly what she wanted him to do to her and how. He's never had the strength to resist, and now is no exception. "You won't betray us again?"
"You think Cruxis would believe me a second time?" asks Zelos, crossing his arms, mostly as a barrier between himself and Sheena. "Or the Renegades, or anyone else who hears about this? That was my one shot, and it hit the target."
Sheena's mouth tightens. "I need to hear you say it, Zelos."
His name on her lips is enough for Zelos to weaken still further, and he lets out a short breath. "No, I won't betray you again." He means it in a general sense, but they both hesitate. This was not the first time that Zelos has betrayed Sheena on a personal level, and he's never acknowledged that in so many words. Apologized, yes—an offhand one, at the start of their journey—but never said what for.
When Sheena says nothing, Zelos clears his throat, a few old self-inflicted wounds reopening. "I shouldn't have turned my back on you in the first place." Now he's talking about the two of them, and Sheena knows it, judging by the way she looks down. "There are a lot of things I should have said but didn't, or shouldn't have said but did. And I know it's too little too late, but… I'm sorry for that, too."
"I know," says Sheena, but her tone is much softer than Zelos expected, even if it's nearer to sorrow than affection. There is the slightest catch in her voice, as though the memory is close at hand for her too. "And I know you were lying, too. I just… I could never figure out why." The barest hint of frustration enters her voice, like it was a mystery that used to torment her, but one she has long since released any hope of unraveling.
In that moment, Zelos realizes that, more than anything else, he doesn't want Sheena to have given up on him. But he also knows that a wish like that is every bit as selfish as his carefully crafted reputation supports. After all, Sheena has made it more than clear that Zelos has run out of chances.
Initially, Zelos convinced himself that there could be no harm in reducing those smoldering bridges to ash, but the icy look in her eyes when he saved her today was more than enough for him to change his mind. Still, if it's his heart or hers, Zelos would much rather Sheena move on. He's a lost cause at this point.
Zelos doesn't realize he's staring at Sheena until she shifts in place. In this light, he can't tell whether she's blushing, but she's certainly flustered. "Don't look at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like…" Sheena fidgets with the hem of her sash. "Like you're…"
"Like I'm what?" Zelos smiles, trying to offset the tension by annoying her. "Spit it out."
Sheena stamps her foot and clenches her fists and leans slightly forward, the way she does every time she scolds Zelos. "Like you're still in love with me!"
Zelos only wanted to needle her, but hearing it said like that startles them both. His lips part, his breath catching, and all he can think in the moment is that Sheena said still. So she did believe him after all, those few times he opened up his heart enough for her to see it. She'd have been well within her rights to tear it out and stomp on it after everything he put her through.
It would be simpler if Sheena could believe Zelos to be heartless, but she's always had an uncanny way of seeing the feelings he tries to hide behind corroded walls. Emotions like those run counter to everything he has always pretended to be: carefree, arrogant, always looking for a good time and nothing more. Yet, though Zelos has more regrets than there are stars in the sky, loving Sheena isn't one of them. Even now, her presence grants him a sense of serenity he has only ever felt when contemplating death.
Gathering his thoughts with some difficulty, Zelos tries to come up with some witty retort that isn't too close to the truth this time. He's been honest enough for one day; any more of that will probably destroy them both. "You'd rather I glare at you?"
Sheena hugs her arms to herself, looking away. She's definitely blushing now. "No."
"Good," says Zelos, doing his best to keep the conversation moving. The less entangled the two of them can get in their shared past, the better. "I don't think I could glare at you if I tried. You're the one who's mad at me, remember?"
"A lot of us are mad at you."
Zelos grimaces. "Thanks for the reminder."
"No problem."
"At least you're still talking to me," says Zelos, trying to smile. He's not sure how successful he is. "Given how everyone else has been acting, if I had to guess, I'd say they hate me even more than you do."
Sheena scowls. "Knock it off."
"Knock what off?"
"I don't hate you," says Sheena. "None of us do. So stop making assumptions and trying to get me to confirm them, or… whatever it is you're doing. It's manipulative." She sighs, looking at Zelos too closely for his liking, or maybe not closely enough. It's difficult to tell at this hour. "You never learn, do you? I could swear we've had this exact conversation before."
"Well, what can I say?" asks Zelos, making an effort at flippancy. "I'm hopeless."
In any given conversation, it's only a matter of time before Sheena hits Zelos, but he's still caught off guard as her open palm slams into the side of his face. Recoiling, Zelos raises his hand automatically to his face. At least she hit him hard enough that it doesn't really hurt yet, skin still tingling its way out of numbness. Massaging his cheek, Zelos supposes dimly that he should be grateful that Sheena waited until after hitting him to close her fist again.
"You idiot," says Sheena, breathing hard already. "You're so used to feeling sorry for yourself, you don't even realize what you have!" She takes a step forward, and Zelos struggles not to step back. As much as he loves her fearlessness, it can be overwhelming whenever he's on the receiving end of it. "You think we'd be angry with you if we didn't care? You think I'd be out here in the middle of the night, talking to you, if I didn't want you on our side?"
"Sheena, I…" Zelos doesn't know what he wants to say, and it doesn't matter.
"I know you want me to say you owe it to us to stay, or something," continues Sheena, and Zelos realizes as she says it that she's right. He wants an excuse, some other reason he can tell himself. "But it's about time you take control of your own life. You want to stick around and help us out, fine. You want to just run away, that's fine! At least this time I know you still care!"
Sheena stops abruptly, and Zelos gets the feeling she didn't mean to say that part, but the words are out now. And, strangely, they make Zelos feel better. "I'm sorry," he says again, meeting Sheena's eyes so she knows he's not using it as a cop-out. He takes a cautious step forward and, when Sheena doesn't move, chances a smile. "I'll stay. I'll stay and… do better."
"Good," says Sheena, sounding winded. "I don't want you to keep on thinking nobody really wants you, just because you're used to thinking that way. Like it or not, you have friends." She hesitates for a moment before adding, "You have me."
Zelos wants so badly to ask if that makes Sheena something other than a friend, but he's learned how to read her by now, and changes the subject. "So, Sheena… now that you know I'll still be here in the morning, maybe you should get some sleep."
To his surprise, Sheena frowns. "What about you?"
"I'm staying out here for a while," says Zelos. "Lots to think about."
"I bet," says Sheena, giving Zelos a brief and lopsided smile. "Then I'll stay here, too."
Zelos knows better than to protest, so he keeps his mouth shut and turns his eyes to the sky. Gazing up at the moon, he finds himself something close to homesick, even standing in the world of Tethe'alla. To the people of Sylvarant, this world is no different than that moon.
From there, Zelos's thoughts wander farther afield, from home to family to friends. Amid all the floundering around in everyone else's expectations, he was afraid of committing to anything. He still is, but less so, now, seeing the kind of bonds their companions have. Maybe it won't be suffocating to stay around the same people, if they're the kind that don't care about things like status and reputation.
As they stand in silence, his eyes drift from star to star, tracing the imaginary lines of constellations. Gradually, he remembers to breathe, and then to sigh. "It's different," says Zelos finally, barely aware that his thoughts are coming out aloud, and Sheena glances over at him in some surprise. "Now that we know the others."
"What's different?"
"Everything," says Zelos, because he's too much of a coward to say us, but his hands betray him, gesturing vaguely between them.
Sheena studies Zelos for a moment, then closes her eyes and faces forward once more. "I think that's where we went wrong before," she says, her voice barely audible over the murmur of the brook. "We only had each other, and we were too young to know how to handle that. It was too much."
"Is it too late?" Zelos's voice comes out a breath. "To try again?"
"I…" Sheena bows her head, regarding the surface of the water intently, and trails off.
"I don't need an answer," says Zelos. "I just wanted to ask."
Sheena is silent for long enough that he wonders whether he should change the subject again, but eventually, she speaks. "I don't know, Zelos." She isn't the type to let anyone down easy, so he knows that it isn't just another way of saying no. Zelos has never been so glad that Sheena can just admit uncertainties like that; heaven knows he never learned. "Would it turn out any differently this time?"
"I want to say yes, but I don't know either." Slowly, Zelos reaches to brush Sheena's hair out of her face, and is astonished that she lets him. "You already know you can't fix me."
"I don't want to," says Sheena, and Zelos blinks in the instant before she meets his eyes with burning insistence. "I never wanted to change you, Zelos. I just wanted… I want you to feel like you're good enough. That's all."
Not good enough for you. The words make it all the way to Zelos's tongue before he swallows them. If he spits them out, Sheena will just tell him to shut up, and maybe hit him again. Instead, he just hums his acknowledgment, and they lapse into silence once more.
No words break it, but a rustle and a splash: Sheena has kicked a rock into the water. "Ask me again when all this is over, will you?" She isn't looking at Zelos, her eyes fixed on a point in the distance, but he can tell that she's paying close attention to his reaction. "There's a lot we still have to do."
Zelos smiles. For some reason, ambiguity feels much better than acceptance. "I will."
Sheena gives a short nod, but she too seems a little more relaxed as she turns away. "Good night, then."
For some reason, seeing Sheena's retreating back is more than Zelos can stand, and one last impulse flashes across his mind. "Wait." Sheena comes to a halt and glances over her shoulder, but neither turns nor speaks, not even as Zelos lowers his eyes as if addressing a superior. "I want to stay with you—I'll sleep on the floor, I promise, but talking to you like this has me thinking." He looks up at Sheena again with all the force of his resolution. "I don't want to be alone anymore."
The sigh Sheena gives is one Zelos cannot read. Nor can he understand her expression, when she turns around and walks slowly back down to where Zelos stands by the brookside. Only when she smiles does his heart finally light up again, and it skips a beat as she adjusts his headband like an afterthought, the same way she always has.
"Just for tonight," says Sheena, and takes Zelos's hand.