tell me which one is worse (living or dying first)

by idkimoutofideas

Summary:

Theo didn’t have time to mourn Lazuli—they were in the middle of a war, after all.
All the times Theo didn’t have time to mourn, and the one time he lets himself.

Altprompt 15: tears

Notes:

Yes the title is from 'you should see me in a crown', it just fits really well

Theo didn’t have time to mourn Lazuli—they were in the middle of a war, after all. It didn’t matter that she was the most important person in his life. It didn’t matter that Theo felt responsible. It didn’t matter that he should’ve questioned her orders, should’ve seen her plan. None of that mattered because she was dead and he couldn’t change the past. Theo was reassigned to Prince Amethar’s retinue, and dedicated himself to his job. He protected the prince with a single minded focus, vowing to never let something like that happen again.

 

Theo didn’t have time to mourn the Rocks sisters—Saint Citrina, Princess Sapphria, General Rococoa. The war was over, but Candia’s struggles had only just begun. Theo was now a knight to King Amethar, who was trying to deal with the sudden responsibility thrust upon him as he mourned the loss of his family. It was Theo’s duty to be a knight, not to feel sorry for himself, so he put his feelings aside and dedicated himself to protecting the king.

 

Theo didn’t have time to mourn Lapin. One minute the Chancellor was a thorn in his side as always, and the next Lapin’s body was motionless on the church dias, having given his life so the others could get to safety. He didn’t have time to regret his attitude towards Lapin because they had to run. Now Theo was solely responsible for keeping the Rocks safe, and he bore that burden silently.

 

Theo didn’t have time to mourn Sir Toby. They’d been betrayed, and Theo had to get the royal family out—that was his job. He couldn’t stop to think about the man who had been like a brother to him over many long years of service. Theo couldn’t stop to regret anything—knights were supposed to die for the royal family.

 

Theo doesn’t have time to mourn Jet. They’ve escaped the castle but everyone is injured, and Theo has to keep the others safe while they mourn. He has no claim on Jet’s life. He’s not a parent, not a sibling, not a cousin, not even a friend. It doesn’t matter that he watched her grow up, that he oversaw her safety for eighteen years. He has no right to grieve—he’s only a knight who failed his duty. So Theo lets the others grieve, and stays strong for them while they crumble. He offers the support that he can, and does not show the cracks that threaten to tear him apart. It’s only when the others have gone their separate ways, when he can be by himself—only then does he sink to his knees and weep.

Theo doesn’t have time to mourn, but he allows himself a reprieve just this once.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 17 of whumptober 2022