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The thought of suicide never left the cavern of sorrow that his head became a channel of. It was always on his mind, if not the only thing he was thinking of. Nothing was the same anymore and it never would be again. There was nothing he dreaded more than change and now he had to suffer exactly with that.
Ichigo felt like a walking shell of who he used to be. His life had been changed so drastically; the events following his shinigami powers being released molded him into who he was today - a broken, traumatized mix of different species with a childhood filled with killing and war. The weight put onto his shoulders when he was just a teen was immense, being forced to grow up too fast. Now he had to live with all that weight and more.
Ichigo was on his 13th year of high school, having to take an extra year to make up for everything he'd missed when his adolescence was being torn away from him. The time went by so slowly, with nothing to do but act as a regular, sane human being when he so obviously was not. It grated on every nerve of his, every single fiber of his being. He wasn't meant to do this - to be normal. He couldn't deny the non-human parts of him anymore. Not when they outweigh the human part.
The hardest part of the aftermath of the war was the way people looked at him now. The inner hollow - dubbed Shiro - had shaken them all to the core. Friends and even his own family looked at him differently, like a bomb ready to explode. A monster in sheep's clothing. He might very well be, the way these days have been looking. The Gotei 13 had people watching over him, even if they thought Ichigo didn't know, ready to act at any moment if he lost control. Watching his every move to see when it would be his breaking point. It was shameful to walk into class and see the cautious glances of the friends he fought alongside with.
The worst part of it all?
Ichigo had severed the bond between him and his hollow. In an effort to be accepted by his friends again and prove he would not lose control, Ichigo had pushed his hollow away. During the war with Aizen, the two made a promise to one another; for Shiro to never forcefully take over his body and for Ichigo to never suppress his hollow and hate him like he had at first. Ichigo knew how much it hurt Shiro to be stuck in the cold rain of his inner world and did it anyway. They were one and Ichigo could feel the rage and hurt that pulsed through his hollow. It killed him everyday to walk around with a scowl, one that wasn't laced with his youthful teenage anger, but an older mourning.
His life never felt so empty and dull before.
+
Sleep did not come easy to him. The process was always a long routine of tossing and turning to lying still and staring at the ceiling until the sun shone through his window. The rare times he could fall asleep, Ichigo woke in a sweat and panic crawling up his throat.
There were occasions that his quincy spirit forced him to sleep but every time was broken by vivid nightmares. A time when he was forced to sleep was more memorable than the rest; he had fallen into his inner world, coming face to face with Shiro. Ichigo didn't even know his own face could look so broken.
The sight of his hollow sent fear coursing through him and he could see Shiro recognize the panic that was about to spring Ichigo into action. The tug at his mind was immediate, Shiro fighting for control. Sadness washed over the orange haired boy, both of them breaking their promise.
"Fucking speak to me, king!"
It was an aching, stabbing pain that shot through him when he turned back and bolted, forcing his body to wake up, tears already streaming down his cheeks.
Yuzu had pity swimming in her eyes when she asked why he was screaming.
Ever since, Ichigo tried his hardest to sleep as little as he could to avoid confrontation with his spirit, no matter how muffled the angry shouts were in the corner of his mind.
Till Ichigo broke.
+
Panic was crawling up his throat as Ichigo jolted out of a nightmare filled with-
Blood. Red and bright, fresh and hot to the touch, painting the walls of his house. The cold air from the front door wide open behind him washed over his already frozen body. Knees were trembling to hit the ground but something in him kept his body up. Maybe it was the adrenaline, or the sheer panic and fear that was rushing through him, he didn't know what.
There was so much going on, his ears were ringing and his mouth was dry. Too much was happening all at once. The overwhelming feeling was crawling up his throat and strangling his airways. Where was the familiar, but small, pulse of his sister's presence? He should've had them jumping all over him the second he walked in, ready to tell their big brother about their day. His father, the older man nowhere to be seen or felt. Nothing could stop his mind from racing with millions of thoughts. Stumbling, Ichigo had to ignore everything around him and head for - his sister's rooms.
He didn't even make it a few steps before his eyes fell upon it. Two very familiar bodies lay still in the living room.
The world went silent. Everything shut down and stopped at the sight of Yuzu - "Karin! Ichigo! Come try this new recipe I found!" and Karin - "Shut it Goat-face! You're so annoying!" covered in blood, their own. Their once smiling faces locked into grim, downturned ones.
Nothing could save Karakura town from the eruption of pure, rage filled reiatsu and chilling howls of anguish.
He was forcibly tugged out of the nightmare, a familiar sensation prickling in his mind that he paid no mind to. He was going to vomit everything up. The nausea finally tipped over its breaking point. Jelly-like legs carried his body to the door of his bathroom, falling against the toilet and letting bile spill from his stomach.
Sobs racked through his body, falling to his knees. A hand clutched over his mouth as he physically attempted to stop the sounds from exploding out of his body. The nightmare - they've never been so vivid. Never been so … realistic. Never involved his sisters and yet - and yet he couldn't forget their still bodies. The urge to go check on them was gnawing at his core, but he didn't want them to see him in such a state. Broken laughter made its way out into the silent room, cries following it. Everything was so wrong. He lost control of his limbs and fell back against the cabinet, hands clutched in his hair for dear life. They tore and tugged at the orange locks as tears streamed down his face. Everything was going so wrong, he couldn't control anything.
He couldn't move, he couldn't think, he -
He was losing his fucking mind.
In the moment all he wanted was his hollow.
"I'm here."
Now he was hallucinating voices. How much more fucked up was he going to get? His mind was tormenting him.
A deep voice sounding unnaturally soft broke through his internal despair. "Hey, king."
Hands, cold to the touch, took his wrists in theirs and pulled them away from his hair. Ichigo's breath stuttered in his throat as teary eyes gazed upwards to meet yellow ones. The white doppelganger was clutching his wrists and staring at him with indecipherable emotions, the usually dead eyes carrying layers of weight of them.
"I'm here, Ichigo. I didnt ever leave ya."
The air was sucked out of his lungs as his breath caught.
"What- Wait- Shiro? What are you-…" He crumbled. "Oh, Shiro."
A wave of emotions flooded over him, too many to even start acknowledging. A sob tore out of him as he fell forward and tugged the hollow towards his body, needing him close. Arms wrapped around his body as positions were switched. Shiro brought Ichigo close to him, allowing the boy to bask in his presence in the cold bathroom.
"Ya can cry. I'm here."
The few words brought more emotion out of him than anyone ever could when they tried. Ichigo curled his arms around the hollow's neck until the two were pressed together, not letting the other have any chance of escape. He needed this so bad and he didn't even know. Ichigo did just as Shiro said, muffled cries resonating in the bathroom where his face was pressed against Shiro's neck. His hair was slowly stroked through, tugging the knots out. Another hand stroked his back, keeping him tight in Shiro's grasp. How long had it been since someone comforted him like this? He let it all out, years and years of ignored pain and suffering. Pain he pointedly ignored because he was a protector. He wasn't supposed to be weak, or need help from others. That went against his every sense of being.
"Oi, don't ya dare start thinking like that again. Y'know how much I heard that and wanted to shake those thoughts out of yer damn head?"
Right. Shiro could also hear and feel everything he could.
"Damn well I can."
He pulled away from the hollow, blurry eyes searching his mirrored face for any disappointment or hate that should've been there. How could the other hold him close and be so calm? "Shiro…im so sor-"
Cut off, Shiro pulled his head back into his neck and shut him up. He nuzzled his cheek against Ichigo's hair, calming him slightly. "Shhh. I know. I'm a part of ya, remember? No matter how much yer wanted to push me away. But that's for later King. Right now, ya just gotta get everything out."
Nothing could ever explain Ichigo's unconditional love for his hollow, his zanpakuto, his other half. Their relationship transcended platonic or romantic ones. Maybe their relationship could be considered romantic, but to them? Nothing could describe what they were. Shiro was a part of him, his soul. How could you describe that with the limited language he had? They knew each other inside and out because they were one.
It was a while before Ichigo felt ready enough to calm down. The image they painted was probably a sight to see. The hollow - and Zanpakutou - had his user laying in his lap, crying his eyes out while he stroked his hair in complete silence.
Finally feeling shame set in - Shiro frowned at that - Ichigo pulled back, wiping his face of tear marks.
"Fuck. Fuck Shiro." He groaned, pushing off the other. He was quickly tugged back towards his spirit as he tsked.
"I already know yer going to start going down tha spiral of self hate. Nuh uh King. I won't let ya. I'm here now, you can depend on me. What's a Zanpakutou for anyways?"
The elephant in the room was clearly just in his head, since it seemed like it was only Ichigo feeling the guilt and hatred from his actions.
"Shiro… why? You saw how I treated you, how can you sit here and say all those things? We made a promise and I broke it."
Tears sprang to his eyes once again, feeling the impact of his actions hit him full force as he gazed at the counterpart. The other simply sighed, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. It shocked Ichigo to see the battle hungry hollow that once terrified him to be so … normal. So human. Maybe more time had passed than he'd thought.
"Because I know you. Don't forget that I've always been with you. I've watched you grow up, and I have with you. All that means is I know you like I know myself. So I understand every emotion, every action of yours. I don't blame you, ichi." Tears sprang to his eyes as Shiro's voice became unnaturally soft.
"Ya had the world's weight on your shoulders from such a young age. Ya had to come to terms with the fact that ya were part hollow and that you even had a hollow in ya. Of course everyone aroun' ya would be terrified, although that's another issue to be dealt with. Naturally, the only sane response would be to reject the part of you that everyone is so scared of. That's a human instinct. Fitting in, that's all from ya being human. I can't hate you, ichigo. I understand ya became i AM you. I can never be angry at some predictable responses, no matter how hollow I am."
The bathroom fell quiet. Ichigo was strung dry of tears and yet he felt like breaking down once more. What had he done? Shiro was the only one on his side. He had never once hurt him. Actually, everytime Shiro manifested or took control, it was to save him from being killed. It was always to protect ichigo.
Ichigo tugged the hollow back towards him and the two embraced. It felt like… home? Shiro was always cold to the touch, but right now, he felt especially warm. They didn't have to say anything more to each other. After all, Shiro was him. He could sense ichigo's emotions better now that the wall between them was broken. Shiro could sense all the guilt, sadness, regret and anger. But right now? All those emotions became duller, as a brighter happiness took over and washed over them.
Ichigo laughed. A small bark of laughter that Shiro's ears perked up to. He never knew the hollow could look so beautiful. Ichigo grabbed Shiro's face, mushing that exact same face of his between the palms of his hands. Without a second thought, he pulled his face close and molded their lips together. Shiro immediately wrapped his arms around his waist and tilted his head, trying to get a deeper angle. Ichigo was already straddling him, their positions perfect for Shiro to explore his mouth. The kiss was fast, teeth knocking against each and noses bumping but it was so them. It was a brief moment that they fought for dominance, that Shiro won. Ichigo let him take the lead, following along. Right now, he just cherished every moment with him. The world paused for a second, a minute, who knows how long as the two basked in each other's presence.
Ichigo was drowning and Shiro was there to tug him out of the water.
"I love you, Zangetsu."
Murmured against his lips, Ichigo used Shiro's actual name. It didn't go unnoticed that he was acknowledging him as his Zanpakutou and a part of his soul.
Fondly, he responded. "And I you, Ichigo."
A small smile broke Shiro's normal brooding facade. They both began laughing, at what exactly was unknown. Maybe it was just the glee both of them were feeling. The bond between them was finally mended, and stronger than ever. He went in for one more kiss, missing the taste of Shiro already.
For the first time in months, Ichigo felt exhaustion seep into him. He let everything out, all those emotions that were bottled up, and it finally took its toll. He just wanted to sleep in Shiro's embrace for the next few years. Shiro laughed, stroking his hair. God, he loved that feeling.
"Alrigh' let's get ya to bed."
Ichigo was lifted in the air by Shiro's arms. He wrapped his legs around Shiro's waist and nuzzled himself further in his neck, the other taking a few steps out of the bathroom and back to his - their? - bed. He'd never felt so drained before.
The sleepiness caused his eyes to begin drooping, and his words to start slightly slurring as he was laid against his bed. He grabbed Shiro's arm, pulling the hollow towards him. "Shi, stay with me?"
The hollow smiled, leaning over to give him a kiss on the forehead. Happiness exploded from both of them, washing over the two like a warm blanket. "I wasn't ever planning on leaving."
Shiro pulled back the covers and climbed in, pulling Ichigo towards him and- oh. Yeah, Ichigo was definitely touch starved. Shiro's body began shaking as he laughed quietly at his revelation. His heart burst with love at the grinning hollow. Ichigo felt consumed with the admiration he held for his other half. It felt like a tidal wave hitting him.
"You're just realizing that now? Ichigo, you barely let go of me this entire time."
He groaned, not being able to deny that. "Hey, I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind."
"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, we have a lot of time to catch up on missed moments."
Ichigo melted at the words, even through his fatigued state. Shiro brought him close, an arm stroking through his hair as he rested against his neck. Nothing could come close to the comfort of Shiro's embrace. He murmured a small 'love you' as he closed his eyes, sleep overtaking him. Lips pressed against his hair.
"Sleep now, yeah? I'll be here."
Nothing more needed to be said. They could already read each other's hearts.