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Xie Lian wishes he could have said that he had absolutely no idea how he had gotten to that situation. He wished he could say that no, he did not have the vaguest idea how he had gotten to the point where he could not maintain eye contact with Feng Xin for more than a few seconds. The problem was that he knew exactly how he had gotten to that point, because it had been more than two weeks that his mind had been mulling over what had happened.
More than two weeks earlier Feng Xin had walked into his palace in the Divine City, ranting that it was absolutely not normal to work all day, every day without even taking a fucking break and that he was exhausted from being surrounded by workaholics who didn't know how to have fun, and dragged him away, all the way to Pei Ming's residence, where the general had called for a lavish and huge and tacky banquet.
The reason was unknown to most, but no one really cared because Pei Ming loved to throw parties and entertain guests. If anyone had bothered to ask Xie Lian, who cared to consider himself an almost close friend of Pei Ming, he would have said that Pei Ming simply wanted to celebrate the life around him and that it was his own way of expressing the gratitude he felt for what he had. Acknowledgment and gratitude very well hidden under a thick layer of arrogance and apparent unconcern, but which Xie Lian knew was there.
Thank the gods no one had thought to ask Xie Lian's opinion, so the reputation Pei Ming had built over the centuries remained intact.
The fact remained that Xie Lian did not like to go to parties, did not like to be around drunk people, and did not go crazy when Feng Xin, as at that moment, decided to dip into Pei Ming's liquor stash, deciding to go and bother him while he was working.
Xie Lian had allowed himself to be dragged along anyway because Feng Xin still had a steady, steady step, only his face was a little red, his eyes a little glassy to clouded by alcohol, and his voice was a little ragged.
Actually, Xie Lian's problem was not parties or even drunk people. It was people in general. It had been just fifteen years since he had ascended and a couple less since he had started working actively and constantly in the Divine City, and he was not really used to the enormous mental and physical stress that being surrounded by people required.
Even less so after a day that had seemed endless to him between meetings, attendants who had been sent to receive assignments, attendants who had been sent to deliver assignments or requests, and all that bureaucratic stuff swirling around all that carousel of people, scrolls, and papyri that flooded his desk daily.
Arriving at Pei Ming's residence, he had politely greeted the landlord, resisted Pei Ming's childish pouting when he refused for the umpteenth time to have a drink, and finally diverted Feng Xin and Pei Ming's attention to the terrace, saying that there was a beautiful divine warrioress there who was dispensing war advice.
Seeing them leave Xie Lian had told himself that they both must have been really very drunk to believe such nonsense and had quickly reached the front door to leave. Unfortunately, Feng Xin must not have been so drunk after all, because he had caught up with him very shortly afterward, calling him loudly.
Xie Lian had suppressed yet another sigh of the day and ignored it without even turning around. He was tired. He needed to be alone. But Feng Xin had managed to wrap his fingers around his wrist, forcefully turning him around and clutching him to his chest.
"Your Highness-where are you going?" had murmured Feng Xin's drawling voice in his ear.
Xie Lian had not moved. He wished he could say that he had not moved because he was exhausted or amazed or shocked by such irreverence, but the truth was that he liked feeling Feng Xin's strong, warm, muscular arms around him. He had always liked that. He liked feeling his own body pressed against Feng Xin's. He liked feeling himself pressed against his chest, against his tight, firm muscles. He liked Feng Xin.
He had always liked it.
"I'm going home, Feng Xin. I am tired."
Feng Xin had exhaled a groan of disappointment.
"The party is not over yet."
"I don't care about Feng Xin. I'm really tired and I have a thousand things to do tomorrow and..."
Feng Xin had exhaled another groan of exasperation and pushed him suddenly against the door behind him, pressing his own lips against Xie Lian's.
The prince had stiffened completely, his head completely blank for a moment, a shiver running through his spine at how sudden that contact had been. He had immediately repressed the feeling of how pleasant it felt to have Feng Xin's warm lips against his own.
Feng Xin had just pulled away from him and kissed him again, still pressing his lips against Xie Lian's mouth, still petrified against the door.
Xie Lian had felt his heart almost explode in his chest. He had felt Feng Xin's hands leave his back, go up along his shoulder blades, like a caress, and slowly move up to his neck caressing his skin very gently despite the alcohol he had drunk.
His fingers were warm, but not as warm as his mouth. His fingertips were rough, a sign of years of training, but Xie Lian loved that feeling against his own skin. Hua Cheng had the same kind of calloused skin on his palms and fingers, and Xie Lian loved how he scratched his own skin in the midst of the most pleasant hours with his husband.
For a split second his mind had wondered what it would be like to feel Feng Xin's hands on his own naked body, but the next split second his mind had again completely suppressed that thought, somehow still focused on Feng Xin's mouth pressed to his own.
It was only when Feng Xin put his hands on his face and pressed his body completely against his that Xie Lian realized that Feng Xin was aroused and hard in his pants, his erection pressing against his groin.
Something had stirred inside Xie Lian. He had felt a knot of pleasure tighten in his stomach, making his legs weak for a moment, and only a moment later did Xie Lian realize that he was beginning to become aroused himself. He had slipped into panic.
Xie Lian had suddenly tried to break free, but Feng Xin had imposed himself on him even more forcefully, once again rubbing his pelvis against Xie Lian. The other had felt as if a bucket of cold water had hit him from above, the panic growing as well as the lust he had for Feng Xin, who tried to push his tongue inside his mouth.
Xie Lian had felt like a tear in his own head, had tried again to free himself, pushing his hands hard against his chest.
Even though he had managed to move him a step away, Feng Xin had tried to kiss him again. Xie Lian had not wanted to have to really resort to violence, but when he had felt Feng Xin's hands tighten on his arms again and his mouth against his own, he had been unable to control himself.
Xie Lian had felt his heart explode, felt panic and anxiety cloud his mind, felt the skin touched by Feng Xin shiver, felt the rest of his body tremble. He had pushed him again and punched him in the face, rolling him to the ground.
Xie Lian had felt overwhelmed, his breathing suddenly becoming heavy and labored, more and more broken, more and more uncertain. The tremors in his body had become more intense and he had let out a half groan of pure panic.
The prince ran his hands through his hair for a moment and then ran away, fast, fast, fast as he had not in years.
*
Xie Lian squatted under his own robe, lying on the ground in the Puqi temple, his back firmly pressed against the wall, and slowly began to feel that heavy feeling of discomfort loosen slightly, allowing him to breathe more evenly again. He bent his head toward his chest, passed his arms over it as if to protect himself from something, and pulled his knees toward his stomach.
Slowly the silence and solitude calmed him enough. The hard surface of the stone he was lying on was soothing. The hard surface of the wood against which he pressed his back was familiar.
The gentle breezes of the cold autumn wind chilled his bare toes, but for Xie Lian this was not a problem.
He closed his eyes, trying to get his brain in order. His heart was still pounding in his chest, although his breathing was much more regular than before. He could still feel the chills and Feng Xin's warm lips on him.
Xie Lian ran his fingers through his hair, trying to figure out what to do about his own feelings (Feng Xin is a chapter that should not have been opened, ever) and his own existence when he heard footsteps moving outside the temple.
From the familiar crystalline tinkling that echoed in the silence of the night, Xie Lian recognized without a shadow of a doubt the footsteps of Hua Cheng, his beloved husband.
Xie Lian longed to sink into the earth and disappear. He heard the door open and close, heard the soft squeal of incense rubbing against each other as it was pulled out, heard the sound of flint clashing against another flint.
Xie Lian perceived only the silence of the temple and the echo of prayers in the corner of his own head. Hua Cheng always prayed every day. Every day he lit three incenses, every day he left offerings. Both at the temple in Puqi and the temple in Ghost City.
Then he heard him approach and sit beside him on the stole.
"Gege, is everything all right? "
Xie Lian shook the blanket off his head, looking at him with some distress.
"San Lang?" he called bewildered, "I need your help. There are too many things I don't understand."
"No problem, gege. Ask me anything you want, I'll help you as much as I can. What do you have doubts about?"
Xie Lian tightened his lips, worried.
"All these feelings make me anxious and uncomfortable, San Lang. Tonight I had a panic attack and punched Feng Xin," he finally admitted.
Hua Cheng did not let his confusion show, for Xie Lian's was more than enough for both of them. He merely took his hand between his and smiled at him.
"What happened? Can you tell me?"
Xie Lian opened his mouth as if to respond, but found himself at a loss for words. He continued to stare Hua Cheng in the eyes, trying to make some semblance of order out of the endless chaos.
"I think Feng Xin kissed me. I mean, I know he did," he finally replied, still confused "And ... not ... why San Lang? Because I feel..."
Xie Lian closed his mouth, his eyes still fixed on Hua Cheng's, a blind trust and love for his husband that for a moment Hua Cheng stood motionless staring at him, feeling truly blessed to have had the chance to love him and be loved by him in such an intense and sincere and unconditional way. Then he just bent his head to one side, sketching a smile, as if to encourage him to continue.
"...like this?" exhaled Xie Lian then with an agonized grimace, "It was all too sudden and... And I feel so stupid for feeling so confused."
Hua Cheng restrained himself from pushing forward to embrace him.
"Gege tell me, of all these emotions, which one is the most intense?"
"They are ... relatively all intense," he murmured, "I can't handle them, San Lang. The more I try to think about it, the more I want to open my heart and weed it all out and keep only what I feel for you."
"All right, let's try it another way then. Did you try the same things you try with San Lang? "
Xie Lian grimaced, horrified at the very idea.
"Absolutely not!" he exclaimed, snapping to his knees to get a better look at him, "No, San Lang is San Lang, and no one can make me feel what you make me feel."
Hua Cheng huffed out an amused laugh, almost softened by his husband's utter innocence, and violently chased away the unpleasant thought that this was how eight hundred years of loneliness could reduce a person.
In panic over a kiss.
Unable to recognize the most basic feelings and, even more terrible, unable to feel them as fully as he should have.
Hua Cheng still felt that even after fifteen years, sometimes Xie Lian still repressed even how he felt about him as if some part of his mind was still terrified that something might go wrong, that he would be hurt again, as if he could not or could not let go all the way, always keeping something of himself suppressed and hidden.
A small handhold of insensitivity in the ocean of uncertainties that Xie Lian experienced daily.
''And was it at least a little bit enjoyable? Or did you not enjoy it at all? Do you think you can use what you feel with me as a comparison?" he then asked, sitting closer and running a hand over his leg, trying to calm him down.
Xie Lian looked down at the ground, concentrating.
"With San Lang I always feel like my legs are weak, my heart beats faster and my brain shuts down and I wish it would never end and I feel loved, loved unconditionally. I feel happy and I feel my stomach tighten and I feel like everything is in order and quiet inside me," he explained thoughtfully "With Feng Xin it was nice and it tightened my stomach and I got chills. However, even though I enjoyed it, it was two very different things, San Lang is still San Lang. There is no one who can make me feel loved like you do, San Lang. You are my husband. The only one I could ever truly love with all of myself."
Hua Cheng tried to restrain himself from flashing a happy smile at hearing the sincere emotions felt by his husband over a simple kiss, and he also tried to tame the feeling of pride and joy that scratched his chest to try to focus on Xie Lian.
''Do you think you could feel the same emotions with someone else? Pei Ming, for example? Or with Lang Qianqiu?"
Xie Lian looked at him a little puzzled and even a little disgusted.
"San Lang!" he almost scolded him, "Pei Ming is a handsome man, but he is my friend and the idea of kissing him never crossed my mind. And about Lang Qianqiu... he is a child for Heaven's sake! He was my student, he still insists on calling me Goushi!"
Hua Cheng laughed louder and then leaned down to kiss him. Xie Lian immediately closed his eyes and returned the kiss, barely trembling as he felt his husband's cold fingers against his own cheek, so much so that after long minutes, as Hua Cheng's hands ran from his neck, to his face and through his hair, Xie Lian felt so good that he let out a moan between their lips, seeking more, moving his own hands slowly, almost fearfully, against Hua Cheng's chest, as if to feel him even more, more and more. He was never satiated with him, Xie Lian. He would have liked to spend the rest of his eternal existence in his arms, safe and secure from everything and everyone, loved in a way so profound that it could never be matched by anyone else in all three realms.
Xie Lian blushed when his husband pulled away from him, finally giving him a more chaste kiss. Xie Lian wished he had told him to continue, because Hua Cheng made him feel good, okay and normal. He reluctantly loosened the grip of his fingers on his robe and barely bit his lip, then looked up at his husband.
"Ah... I'm sorry San Lang. It's just that... I always like it when you kiss me. I... I really wish it would never end."
"Never apologize for your feelings, gege," commented Hua Cheng, giving him another kiss on the lips, "I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the differences between Feng Xin and me."
The prince looked into his eyes for a moment and then hinted an almost uncertain smile.
"San Lang, there is little that I am aware of and you are right to have thoughts sometimes. But never doubt what I feel for you, please. San Lang is San Lang. He is my husband. You are always the most important person in my existence. I could never be unaware of the differences between you and anyone else."
Xie Lian's cheeks were red and his lips a little swollen, but he looked straight into his eyes, as he always did, and Hua Cheng read in them, as always, a disarming sincerity and, above all, an infinite love. Hua Cheng smiled more openly and more sincerely than before.
"I can never doubt you, gege, forgive this stupid San Lang for saying something equally stupid. I just wanted an excuse to kiss you right then because you were incredibly cute and it would have been a shame to waste such an opportunity," he told him, and Xie Lian blushed even more, his uncertain smile immediately becoming steadier and happier.
"San Lang is not stupid," grumbled Xie Lian "And you are right, one should always take advantage of it," he agreed, barely scratching one cheek in embarrassment.
Hua Cheng smiled at him again, pulling a strand of hair away from his face, tucking it behind his ear. Over the past fifteen years Xie Lian had made great strides in his expressions of affection. At the beginning of their relationship and marriage Xie Lian could never have said such a thing without stuttering and wishing he would sink of embarrassment.
Hua Cheng could not have been prouder of him and all the effort Xie Lian showed to be, paradoxically, his equal. Hua Cheng would have liked to tell him that he was his god, he was the reason for his existence and nothing could ever disappoint him. But his husband would have rejected his words, as always, telling him to 'Don't be silly San Lang, you are my husband, you and I are equal in our relationship. '
Hua Cheng pushed all that to one side. It was not the time.
"But tell me, what do you think about Mu Qing? Could you feel the same things you felt with Feng Xin?"
Xie Lian barely blinked and made another grimace, more interjected and puzzled, as if he had never really thought about it.
"I don't know...maybe?" he finally said nervously scratching a cheek "I like Mu Qing but the idea makes me a little anxious, Mu Qing is unpredictable and I often get tired of being around him for too long, he is always so...intense somehow, he has such an erratic mood that it gives me a headache. Every emotion of his is taken to such extremes that I never know how to handle them for too long. But... I think it could be enjoyable, just like with Feng Xin. Mu Qing is lovely and adorable in his own way."
Hua Cheng curled his lips, almost in an even more thoughtful grimace (especially since adorable and lovely were not really the first adjectives he would use to describe Mu Qing, but better to keep such things to himself) and for some reason seeing the apprehension on Xie Lian's face as he waited, an almost virginal grimace on his white face colored red by embarrassment that he had to seriously call on all his self-control to resist the temptation to possess him in his entirety.
He allowed himself a caress, brushing the skin of his cheek with the back of it and then gently resting his palm against it, his thumb just pressed against his cheekbone. Xie Lian looked into his eyes and then barely widened his own, then relaxed and smiled one of his loving smiles at him.
"I love you too, San Lang," he murmured, "As much as you love me. "
And Hua Cheng was always convinced that he did not know enough, he was convinced that he was making a thousand mistakes, he was always the first to doubt that he was worthy to stand by his side. But of one thing he had always been sure, something he would not and had never doubted.
It was that he loved Xie Lian on a level that went beyond any existing conception of love. Xie Lian was his everything, from his god to his husband through best friend, and he knew his husband was fully aware of this. Hearing his own love compared to his filled him with joy like he had never even dared to imagine.
And he wanted to repay Xie Lian for all that joy he gave him, trying to make him happy, so happy, every day of their existence.
And that meant asking somewhat uncomfortable questions, although he would not be able to say exactly for which of the two of them, to make him understand that he could be even happier.
He pulled his hand away and smiled at him.
''But gege, Pei Ming, Feng Xin and Mu Qing are your friends, right? Why didn't you think of kissing Pei Ming but the other two did?"
"Well, aren't they ... best friends? Aren't they ... really more than friends?" he then asked, but this time puzzled by Hua Cheng's question, as if he didn't understand why.
"Isn't it like you and He Xuan?" he then added.
Hua Cheng stiffened and looked at his husband, suddenly bewildered.
"Gege, He Xuan and I are friends, albeit in a distorted, psychopathic and sick way, but I have no desire to kiss him, it has never happened and it will never happen. Don't tell me that until today you thought I kissed or kissed with He Xuan from time to time," he asked with some apprehension.
Xie Lian blushed a little, with a slightly guilty expression on his face.
"I mean they wouldn't be best friends if there wasn't something stronger than a normal friendship, don't you think?" he tried to tell him, "Aren't best friends supposed to help and support and protect each other? I always thought that to feel some love for them even if not like what I feel for you was normal," asked Xie Lian now a little nervous "I thought that in a certain way you feel love for He Xuan, otherwise you wouldn't have done certain things for him and I know it's not because of some debt but because you sincerely love him. And I thought that having certain thoughts or doing certain things between best friends could be normal. Am I wrong then?"
Hua Cheng opened his mouth for a moment and immediately interrupted his own response, finding himself thinking seriously about his point of view. It was not exactly wrong, but it could lead to disastrous outcomes if one did not have a full understanding of what certain feelings could mean.
Hua Cheng opened his mouth again to retort, finding himself closing it once more, realizing that he should instead carefully ponder every word he said. He wanted to help Xie Lian gain clarity, not confuse him even more.
It was more than obvious to how important Feng Xin and Mu Qing were to Xie Lian, but Hua Cheng did not need that confirmation to be certain. He had long ago noticed how the feelings between the three of them had changed and evolved into something very strong and stable and deep, which no one wanted to talk about openly (although, to be honest, Hua Cheng was still having a hard time admitting that it had actually been the four of them for a long time).
Actually, Hua Cheng was convinced that Xie Lian was the only one who had not yet fully understood what was going on between them since he had done a very good job of completely ignoring his own feelings for the two generals. For over ten years, Hua Cheng had been under the impression that Xie Lian was more than aware of his own feelings. Hua Chen had noticed it from a few glances, or a few touches, such as a tender caress in Mu Qing's hair or a moment when he stood dumbfounded looking at Feng Xin.
But Hua Cheng had personally witnessed how, at the very moment when he reached full awareness of what he was feeling, Xie Lian's mind instantly repressed all feelings, pushing them away so violently that Xie Lian himself remained standing where he was, confused and perplexed, not quite sure why his hand was in Mu Qing's hair or why he was looking at Feng Xin.
Hua Cheng knew that his husband was in love with them. It was really clear. But he was a little unsure of what to do, whether to lead him to the solution or just tell him the truth directly. He did not want to be the spark of a really intense panic attack.
"No gege, it is not wrong, in fact, from a certain point of view you are absolutely right," Hua Cheng finally replied, looking into his eyes, "But this is especially true for you, for the kind of person you are. For example, some people need to have special feelings to kiss or be intimate with someone. Other people may kiss and be intimate without feeling anything in particular, still others may have feelings but not be sexually attracted to their partner, and so on. Everyone is different and there is a multitude of possibilities, all of them right. But, for example, He Xuan and I do not want to be together romantically or sexually. We are good together and enjoy each other's company and you are right, in our own sick way we love each other, but nothing more."
Xie Lian stretched out his legs and then crossed them, making a concentrated grimace, as if trying hard to imagine each of those possibilities. Then he hinted a smile.
"Is all this really possible? Ah, the world is really full of extraordinary things, don't you think San Lang?"
Hua Cheng returned the gaze and nodded, returning the smile.
"And you gege have the right to experience every feeling you have and to have all the extraordinary things that exist. I will be by your side at all times."
Xie Lian looked at his face, evidently taken aback.
"What do you mean, San Lang?"
"I mean if, in a hypothetical case, you were to have feelings for Mu Qing and Feng Xin, it would be possible for you to have a relationship with them even though you and I are married."
The other frowned, remaining silent for a moment.
"Huh? How could such a thing ever work, San Lang? Wouldn't there be jealousy or spite? Or resentment? No, it is impossible, my beloved. "
Hua Cheng passed an arm around his waist and pulled him between his own legs, leaning his back against the wall. Xie Lian smiled, and it was that madly in love smile that his husband always gave him, in every situation.
"Hmm. Actually, it's all about organization and giving, I think, the right reassurances to all the partners involved. For example, again hypothetically, I know perfectly well that how gege feels about me is on another level than how gege might feel about Feng Xin and Mu Qing. Otherwise, it's about finding a balance between me and them, to say. Not giving too much to one and less to the other two and so on. But with time, everything comes naturally."
Xie Lian raised his eyebrows, evidently skeptical about the matter, but focused again, as if trying to imagine this scenario as well. Then he let out a slight sigh, almost a moan of distress.
"It all seems very complicated, San Lang," commented the prince not even time to light an incense later, snuggling against his husband's chest, "I feel tired just thinking about being with two other people. Isn't it a multitude of feelings? It is impossible to keep them in order in one's heart, they would hurt too much and the paths would part again. No San Lang, if there is one thing I have learned, it is not to overdo it and not to be greedy. You always have to figure out how far to stop, otherwise in the end you just risk losing everything you have. And the last thing I want is to lose you. You are important. What I feel for you is important. Is rest is superfluous, regardless of how deep it might be."
Hua Cheng was glad that Xie Lian was not looking at him, because this time he could not suppress a contrite grimace at those words, because in his eyes it was all so obvious that seeing how Xie Lian was forcing himself to suppress what he was feeling just to protect himself was somehow heartbreaking. Almost as painful as realizing that that process was entirely involuntary, like an automatic safety mechanism.
He took the blanket from the side of the stole and covered them both, and Xie Lian finished settling against his husband, his eyes half-closed, the ghost's hands beginning to run through his hair. Now Xie Lian was smiling, relaxed, calm.
He seemed so much at home that Xie Lian yawned and abandoned himself completely against his husband, falling asleep instantly, barely managing to murmur a good-night greeting.
The ghost kissed his forehead and temples and then smiled against his skin. He, too, felt at home with Xie Lian, and when he thought about the fact that they felt each other's home, it always gave him the impression that his own heart could start beating again.
He tightened his own arms around him, continuing to kiss him gently on his forehead and in his hair and on his temple.
"Good night gege and sleep well. Your San Lang is here and will protect you from everything. "
Xie Lian smiled in his sleep.
*
Since Jun Wu had been defeated, the Divine City had taken less time than expected to come to the conclusion that no, they did not want another Divine Emperor and that no, they could not afford to leave all decision-making power in the hands of one person. They had created a Council, every five years someone was voted in who would have the ability to use a veto to approve or reject a request or an action or a countermeasure, appointed Head of the Council elected by the 30 members of the Council, the most important deities.
This was going relatively well. In recent years there had been no problems whatsoever, and everyone was genuinely satisfied with the way things were going.
The problem, if it could have been called such, was especially for Xie Lian. Since the Council had been established and the other deities had realized that Xie Lian was neither an idiot nor weak, it had been impossible for him to find peace.
Although he had not been voted for the most important position, all the leaders up to that point had appointed him as their secretary. Xie Lian had the authority to call meetings with complete autonomy, attend them, making sure the votes were fair, could propose new directions, reject some.
The Council was practically the main node for all decisions concerning individual deities or Heaven in general, a mixture of what was the task of Jun Wu and what was the task of the Palace of Ling Wen but in a much more democratic and just way than what had been for centuries up to that time.
But now, in addition to the already enormous workload, Xie Lian had an even bigger problem.
It had been since he had been kissed by Feng Xin that Xie Lian did not know how to react when he was near him. He did not know how to act, whether to mention the incident or ignore it, especially since at the same time he could not understand Mu Qing. Or rather, even less than usual.
Usually there were days when Mu Qing seemed distant, others when he was more affectionate, others when he did not want to talk to him, and still others when shaking him off was absolutely impossible. But ever since Feng Xin had kissed him, Mu Qing was perpetually irritated and nervous, and being around him was simply impossible for Xie Lian. Every time he was attacked, though always from a distance because they had not spoken to each other since then, by a whirlwind of emotions that completely drained him.
Most of the time he seemed not to even bear his presence, a grimace of pure impatience when he either looked at him as if holding Xie Lian directly responsible for what had happened or responsible for whatever else was wrong. Xie Lian wasn't really stupid and could imagine that the problems resided between Mu Qing and Feng Xin, which is why he strenuously avoided them in every way possible.
Usually they would meet at meetings, talk formally and officially about this or that proposal, but it ended there. When the meeting was over, Xie Lian would literally run away. Like that day, for example.
After the end of the meeting (yet another that day) at the Council Palace, Xie Lian had left the Attendants Hall wing as quickly as possible, seeing Feng Xin and Mu Qing in the crowd discussing with their subordinates the new measures taken, new tasks and all.
Xie Lian had taken advantage of his own stature, significantly shorter than practically three-quarters of the inhabitants of the Divine City, and had slipped into the Attendants Archive. Xie Lian had discovered many years earlier that one of the built-in bookcases actually concealed a door leading into what might have been the size of a small, narrow closet.
It was empty at the time, so Xie Lian had not the vaguest idea why it had been built, but certain was that it had since become his refuge when he was forced to stay for several consecutive days in the Divine City.
Sometimes he needed a cramped, quiet, dark place to regroup after all those events compressed into a handful of hours. The Attendant’s Archives were almost never visited and silence was usually assured.
But that day he barely had time to count the fingers of one hand after the secret door closed, that Feng Xin's impatient footsteps, followed by Mu Qing's light ones, entered the room.
"Your Highness?" called Feng Xin loudly.
In the alcove Xie Lian was perfectly still, his breath blocked smoothly, his spiritual aura completely obliterated. He was sitting on the floor, his back leaning against the wall, his legs clasped to his chest, his arms around his knees, his head tucked between his own limbs.
"Your Highness, we would like to speak with you!" exclaimed Mu Qing's irritated voice, "Do you want to come out or do we have to send a fucking official request so we can finally see you?
In the unlikely event that Xie Lian had decided to have his secret hideout uncovered, little but certain was that Mu Qing's sarcastic and acid tone immediately tired him out, causing him to desist from any action other than trying to rest his mind for a while. Mu Qing seemed even more furious than usual, a rage with the world around him, and Xie Lian was not ready for such a concentration of energy, all the more negative.
Regarding Feng Xin, the prince did not even want to think about it.
"Of course you don't make the fucking job very easy, how could he want to talk to you if you attack him like this? You don't even have how to spell sensitivity, do you?"
"Oh, forgive me General, maybe I should slam him against a fucking door and try to stick my tongue down his throat like you did? That was a winning move, and certainly if he's avoiding you, it's not my fault!"
"For the fucking Paradise Qing'er how many more times do we have to argue about it? "
"Whenever necessary! And why the heck are we here? The place is obviously deserted!"
"Are you saying I'm wrong about who I saw enter here?" growled Feng Xin.
Mu Qing made a sound of sarcastic disbelief.
"Absolutely not, just the opposite. I am genuinely amazed that given your obsession with Xie Lian we find ourselves completely empty-handed! However, it should be a comfort to you to know that you can excel at screwing all your relationships, ours included."
Xie Lian felt Feng Xin almost hold his breath as if Mu Qing had hit him physically and took a moment longer to respond.
"Fucking Heaven, you are such an asshole Mu Qing. When are you going to forgive me for daring to have feelings for someone who wasn't you when I was a fucking mortal?" he exclaimed angrily, so hurt that his own aura reverberated throughout the room.
Xie Lian struggled to remain motionless, his lips tight, a grip on his heart so painful that he felt his breath catch.
Mu Qing replied with a tongue-lashing full of derision.
"...I should have guessed that you would react like that, besides, it is obvious that you don't give a shit about what I say given the crap you say. Look for me when you have learned to understand what is being said to you, until then I will avoid throwing breath with you. And in the meantime, go fuck yourself."
Mu Qing left the room with a step decidedly less graceful and quiet than usual. Xie Lian heard Feng Xin gasp in anger and heard him take several minutes to calm down in a whisper of expletives. Then he heard him take a deep breath and move inside the room.
"I know you are here, I know," Xie Lian heard him say, "I just wanted to apologize for what I did at the party. I'm sorry, I... I'm mortified that I forced you to kiss me. I'm a jerk, and I swear I didn't mean that-I never meant for it to be so violent. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Feng Xin made a cry of pure frustration, Xie Lian could almost picture him with a contrite face, his eyebrows furrowed, his cheeks a little red as he nervously ran a hand through his hair.
Xie Lian squeezed his eyes shut, his heart beating hard in his chest again, chills running through his body as he thought back to their kiss, to those warm lips, to that mouth against his, to his body holding him completely, almost without escape.
Xie Lian tightened his lips, remembering how good it had felt to feel his mouth kissing him, that extreme warmth that Feng Xin had always had, just like when they were still mortal.
Xie Lian had always imagined that he would give Feng Xin his first kiss. He had always imagined that it would be him, because if not Feng Xin, who?
Then things had changed, faster and faster. The hope of kissing him had long since vanished with all that had come upon them, but not the desire. And since it had really happened, since he had experienced it, Xie Lian could not shake off those emotions and feelings that he had tried so wildly to repress instead.
Xie Lian wanted to kiss him again. He wanted to feel his arms around his body. He wanted to feel him press his body against his again.
And when he thought back to how Feng Xin had rubbed up against him, Xie Lian felt an almost uncontrollable urge. He wanted to have sex with Feng Xin. He wanted to feel him inside him, wanted his naked body against his own.
By the gods, in one of the last meetings he had had a moment when he froze for a moment imagining Feng Xin catching up with him, slamming him against the table and fucking him until Xie Lian could no longer even speak his own name.
He wanted a lot, but that much hurt, and like everything that hurt his mind immediately pushed it away, as if it were dust to be swept under the carpet hoping that sooner or later it would disappear on its own.
"I would like to apologize, in person. I would like to ask for your forgiveness," Feng Xin continued, in a lower voice, "If you are willing to grant it. I promise it will never happen again, I will never touch a glass in your presence. But don't... don't ignore me. Please. I know I have no right to ask you, but don't push me away again. Please. "
Silence and emptiness were the only thing that answered the general. Feng Xin waited another handful of seconds, perhaps hoping that things might change, but they did not. He sighed again, more heavily than before, and finally Xie Lian was left alone.
Alone, in the dark, in silence and solitude.
Exactly as it had always been until recently.
Perhaps that was the solution.
Being alone.
Just like before.
*
Shortly afterward Xie Lian joined his husband in his study. He was so agitated and confused that his hands were shaking and he could not fix a point with his eyes, moving nervously back and forth. Hua Cheng immediately dismissed Yin Yu, but Xie Lian was so engrossed in his own thoughts that he did not even realize it.
"Gege, is everything all right?"
Xie Lian raised his head sharply and then caught up with him.
"San Lang?" he exhaled.
"Gege, what's going on?" repeated the ghost in a worried tone upon seeing his husband's face contracted into a grimace of pure anguish.
Xie Lian sat by his side, taking him by the hand and looking into his eyes.
"San Lang, it's terrible. I think I'm also in love with Feng Xin. And maybe even Mu Qing at this point? What should I do? How can I get rid of all these feelings? San Lang, surely there is some spell or ritual or cultivation method that can help me get rid of all this. Or do I need to become mortal again? I don't need to become a god again, San Lang. I simply cannot."
Xie Lian was well aware of the panic that must have exuded from his own voice, which is why he was completely dumbfounded by his husband's smile and question.
"What happened, gege? Why don't you want to feel these feelings anymore?"
Xie Lian decided to think about the question for a few more moments; perhaps he would be able to make sense of it. But the more he thought about it, the more the panic he felt turned into bewilderment.
"What do you mean why? Why should I keep trying them instead?" he asked, withdrawing his hands from his, feeling himself slipping into a spiral of disbelief and panic "San Lang, this cannot continue. I can't. I don't want to. You can't really want it."
"Gege, I want anything that can make you happy."
"Well, being in love with Feng Xin or Mu Qing does not make me happy," he exclaimed.
"Why?"
Xie Lian was silent for a moment at that question and blinked repeatedly.
"San Lang, I don't understand your question. Why would you accept such a thing?" he asked, "I want you. Nothing more than that. Having you makes me happy, more than I can imagine, and that's all I want."
He did not give his husband a chance to respond and sprang to his feet, running his hands over his face.
"I need to put things in order. I need a break. I feel ... I feel ..."
Xie Lian could not even find the words to describe how he felt such was the confusion inside him and without even thinking about it he headed for the door.
Hua Cheng grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him to sit as if on his own legs, preventing him from running from the room. Xie Lian instinctively hugged him, rolling up against him, burying his face in his neck and clasping his hands in a fist on his robe. Hua Cheng immediately returned the hug, squeezing him tightly because he knew how much, in those situations, Xie Lian felt the need to feel tight, almost unable to move.
The ghost stroked his hair softly, kissing his head softly, pressing his palm just a little more against his back, as if to let him know that his husband was there, that he was no longer alone.
They remained in silence for a long time, in each other's arms, and slowly Xie Lian's body lost rigidity, relaxing more and more, his eyes no longer clenched but closed, his hands no longer clenched into fists but resting on his robe, now simply semi-reclining against his husband and no longer clinging to him as if he were the last foothold he had left.
"I don't know what to do, San Lang," the god finally murmured in a whisper, "I'm afraid San Lang. I'm afraid of losing everything I have, I'm afraid of losing you, I'm afraid of ruining everything important I have."
"It will never happen gege. You won't lose anything and especially you can never lose me because I belong to you, gege. But if you feel confused or scared, take a break. Stay here in the Ghost City, please. Do whatever you want, maybe play chess or play guqin or do your calligraphy exercises or train. Or just sleep. Sleep always helps you when you are confused."
Xie Lian loosened the embrace just enough so that he could look into his eyes. Then he leaned his forehead against Hua Cheng's, the tips of their noses rubbing softly together. He managed to curl his lips a little in a faint though still unsteady smile.
"...is it really okay if I stay here?" he asked uncertainly "I don't want to bother you, San Lang, you're always so busy with your city," he continued with a distressed look.
"You are my precious husband gege, how could you ever disturb? And nothing is as important to me as your well-being, I will do everything in my power to make you happy and safe and sound. I know it's still a bit much to take in, but Ghost City and Paradise Manor are also your home, if you wish. Our home. Besides the Puqi Temple."
Xie Lian grimaced again and felt his eyes fill with tears and returned to hug him tightly.
"...thank you," he managed to say," I don't deserve such sincere feelings from you San Lang, but I thank you."
"Gege, if not you, then who?"
Xie Lian bit his lip and said nothing more.
Hua Cheng kissed his face for whole minutes in response, and for whole minutes Xie Lian allowed himself to be caressed by his husband's fingers and lips, until Hua Cheng decided to pick him up, carrying him into the bedroom.
He laid him on the bed and then lay down under the covers. Xie Lian quickly returned to Hua Cheng, rolling up against him again with another deep sigh.
"Why does everything have to be so difficult, San Lang? "
"Well, do you know how boring it would be if everything was easy?"
Xie Lian managed to laugh a little against his chest.
"Now get some sleep gege, you are really exhausted. Take some time for yourself, you've earned it."
Xie Lian nodded and gave him a kiss. The prince allowed himself to be kissed again and again, literally to the point of oblivion, so much so that he felt completely relaxed.
He fell asleep.
Sleep always helped him.
Sleep had saved him countless times while he was in exile.
Sometimes because he was bored. He didn't know what to do, where to go, how to get to something or some other place, so he would sleep away the time.
Sometimes because he was hurt. He did not know what to do, where to go, how to get to something or some other place, and so he slept away the time.
Sometimes because he was tired of living. He did not know what to do, where to go, how to get to something or some other place, and so he slept away the time.
Then Hua Cheng gave him the chance to live the life he had never lived. Even more, he had allowed him to do so together with him, and Xie Lian felt uncontrollable happiness every day.
He had memories, very crystal clear memories, of the life he had lived for twenty years before the beginning of his second exile. But he had lived another eight hundred long, very long years in which he had not really lived.
Or, rather, he could not afford to actually live.
Too much pain.
So he had simply let time run over him as he remained motionless in his own apathy, merely moving from place to place, trying to contain the damage of his own misfortune.
But in recent years he had always tried his best to be what others wanted him to be (as always), but in the end he kept losing that battle of expectations (as always) and was simply overwhelmed (as always).
So when it happened, he slept because that new life suddenly overwhelmed him. And not only with joy, love and happiness, but also with all those problems, doubts and insecurities that accompanied that new experience.
Sometimes he slept then because it allowed him to not think about anything, to let go in the darkness of his mind and stop struggling as best he could to live a life he was not quite sure he could live fully.
Sometimes he slept because sleeping allowed him to better understand what was going on, giving him a way to accept what he was feeling and what was happening to him without, however, feeling like he was drowning in the sea of feelings and experiences that he was now allowed to experience.
As in that moment. This time he was really overwhelmed. Hua Cheng was right, as always.
He was really exhausted.
He slept for a long time.
*
When Xie Lian woke up he was alone in bed, moonlight was coming into the room, the window door to the terrace was open, and a refreshing summer breeze was coming in.
It was always nighttime in the Ghost City, and Xie Lian could not have said no matter how long exactly he stayed asleep, but he knew that he felt rested and full of energy. He got up, washed and changed his clothes. He sat quietly in front of the dressing table beside the bed and began combing his hair with his usual care.
For centuries he had used a simple wooden comb, nothing special or sophisticated. Since he was with Hua Cheng, Xie Lian often found himself with objects or clothes of extraordinary quality, so refined that they could have belonged to some king or emperor.
In the early years, Xie Lian had left the jade comb with gold decorations on the table in plain sight, but he did not use it and continued to comb his hair with what he had. Only after a long time had Xie Lian managed to pick it up and found the courage to run it through his hair.
The difference was obviously enormous. His were made of simple, poor bamboo. The teeth went through the hair strands, but they never removed the knots on the first pass, so Xie Lian was forced to comb through them several times before he could tie them, wasting a considerable amount of time.
Which was a huge advantage as long as he was in exile, it was a good way to pass the time. It was much less so since he had ascended again and started working actively, time seemed to have suddenly compressed, not even giving him a chance to breathe.
The jade comb, on the other hand, felt like a gentle caress through the hair, something that glided gracefully, smoothing the hair as if it did not need brushing.
Despite all those years, Xie Lian still tended not to use the jade comb on a daily basis. The excessive luxury made him terribly nervous. And although it was something he could keep under control, Xie Lian's whole body seemed to fight against anything that was just above the threshold of "poverty."
The only piece of rare quality he wore was a splint pendant in his hair. From one end fell a cascade of butterflies and maple leaves and flowers finely inlaid in white gold, the butterflies covered with silver gemstones, the leaves adorned with red stones, the flowers with pink stones.
It was a gift from Hua Cheng. Shortly before the wedding ceremony, the ghost had joined him in the rooms where he was dressing and asked if he could personally style his hair.
Xie Lian had gladly done so, of course. Then finally Hua Cheng had pulled out that pendant and gently slipped it into Xie Lian's bun.
Hua Cheng had looked at him in the reflection of his mirror and smiled sweetly.
"It's a beautiful pendant, San Lang," Xie Lian had said in fascination, unable to look away from the intricate craftsmanship that now adorned his hair.
"No, Your Highness. It is you who make this pendant beautiful, without you it would be just a stupid piece of gold and jade. You make it shine with a life of its own."
Xie Lian, who had decided to marry San Lang only a couple of months after returning to him, still had a lot of difficulty accepting compliments and displays of affection toward him. He had blushed furiously while Hua Cheng had barely laughed at his embarrassment, then kissed him on the cheek and told him that he looked forward to meeting him later for the ceremony.
Xie Lian had never felt happier than at that moment. Since then, for all the years that followed, there had been no day when Xie Lian had not worn that pendant. It was somehow his safe haven. When he felt tired and knew he could not afford to let go of what he was feeling, or when he knew he could not be near Hua Cheng, Xie Lian would touch the pendant, pass it through his hands, and smile without even realizing it, serene again.
It was as if through such a seemingly insignificant object, the bond between Xie Lian and Hua Cheng could still reassure him. He knew that even if his anxiety seemed impossible to control, that overwhelming feeling of suffocation would pass, and so he had always calmed down.
He heard a knock at the door and soon after heard it open. He barely turned toward the doorway and saw Hua Cheng, handsome as ever. Xie Lian gave him a bright smile and finished fixing his hair, pushing the pendant into the bun.
"Gege, you are awake. How are you feeling? "
"Good. Energetic and rested. Did I sleep long? "
Hua Cheng stood behind him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"One week. But you were particularly stressed and under pressure, gege. You slept as usual."
Hua Cheng was actually glad that he was able to convince him to stay in the Ghost City, because he realized how close Xie Lian was to a nervous breakdown and it had already happened that the god simply decided to pick up and leave.
The first time it had happened Xie Lian had disappeared from one minute to the next and returned ten days later. Hua Cheng had asked him, in a somber and even somewhat irritated tone, if it was possible to warn him next time, since he no longer lived alone and was terribly worried. Especially since he had not been able to find him either.
Hua Cheng had lost control of his emotions for less than two seconds, just enough time to vomit his own concern, and from the way Xie Lian had paled and stiffened he had immediately realized that he had obviously said the wrong thing, at the wrong time, and in the wrong tone. From then on it had been indifferent what the ghost had said or done, Xie Lian had been unable to look him in the eye for days on end, the guilt visible on his face.
Hua Cheng had learned since then.
"Tell me gege, what do you want to do? "
Xie Lian curled his lips into a thoughtful grimace.
"I thought maybe we could hang out in the garden and play xiangqi or I could play guqin a little bit. Or maybe we could read some gossip about us or the other deities. I want something simple. Would you like to keep me company, San Lang? "
"That sounds like a great date, gege. More than willing. I'll have everything ready in less than a second, by the way, your favorite desserts have been prepared today, including herb jelly, cotton candy sandwiches and red bean cream-filled sandwiches."
Xie Lian blinked in excitement, with a sudden impatience that was impossible to contain. Hua Cheng felt his heart clench, because Xie Lian really did get excited about the simplest things, the things that he could not always afford and that most of the time were really basic.
"It sounds beautiful, let's go," exhaled the prince, snapping to his feet and taking him by the hand.
He was about to drag him with him when Xie Lian suddenly turned toward Hua Cheng, looking him straight in the eye, with a look that was now a somewhat disturbing mixture of seriousness, gratitude, and love.
"Thank you, San Lang."
Hua Cheng was, as always, caught off guard by that sudden, too sudden, change in his mood and his blunt and direct sincerity.
"Your Highness?" he stammered in reply.
"For everything, San Lang. Thank you. I am happy to have you in my life. I am happy that you have given me the chance to be part of your life, to be able to live it together with you, to be your husband. I really want to make you as happy as you make me every day, that is my greatest wish. I love you San Lang."
Hua Cheng looked at him with his mouth half-open, for one of the very rare times completely speechless to reply.
All he could do was pull him against himself and hug him tightly, holding him as if he wanted to protect him from the world and keep him inside for the rest of eternity.The love Hua Cheng felt and the love he sensed from Xie Lian was so deep and overwhelming that he could never find the words to express it.
Xie Lian remained silent in turn, returning the embrace with the same strength and love.
They did not move away from each other for a long time.
*
Xie Lian had been relaxing playing the guqin for Hua Cheng, singing typical Xianle songs, while his husband was comfortably lying next to him on the garden grass, eyes closed, enjoying the privilege of being able to admire his god and husband in such an intimate way that made his chest tighten with joy.
They had eaten on the grass afterwards, close to each other, and had grown even closer as they started chatting about this or that, what show they wanted to see or new gossip in the Ghost City or the Divine City.
Xie Lian had laughed the whole time, to the point of tears in his eyes. Then he had looked up breathlessly, seeing the devotion with which Hua Cheng was staring at him. Xie Lian had felt locked in his gaze and had almost immediately felt the urge to kiss him and let all that delicate devotion fuck him as opposed to the brute force his husband exuded.
And they had definitely had sex, under the pale moonlight, the cries of the city only a background noise and the unnatural silence of the garden interrupted only by the prince's loud moans and cries, his beloved's name sometimes whispered, sometimes shouted, until Xie Lian had no longer been able to resist the instinct to beg Hua Cheng to come inside him, to fill him all the way, wanted to feel his hot cum dripping onto his thighs every time Hua Cheng pushed into him, pinning him to the grass, his big, strong hands almost pushed into his body, his erection fucking him relentlessly.
And Hua Cheng had more than willingly indulged Xie Lian's every wish. He had done it again soon after and then again and again, until Xie Lian was in a state of peace and relaxation, his world finally straight and normal again.
Then they had decided to play chess, and Xie Lian now looked carefully at the chessboard with a serious gaze. Playing chess with Hua Cheng was always interesting and fun, because his way of playing was most of the time completely unusual. He would move the pawns according to completely unusual mental patterns, often forcing Xie Lian to change his tactics of attack or defense.
It was exciting to always have to play with the thought that in the next three or four moves Hua Cheng would pull off a completely nonsensical move, and it was fun to try to anticipate and contain it.
Even at that moment Xie Lian observed the bizarre arrangement of Hua Cheng's pawns on the chessboard. It was equally bizarre to suddenly realize that something was wrong.
It wasn't just that the placement of the pawns didn't make logical sense (for what absurd reason had San Lang moved the Cannon pawn right in front of Xie Lian's Attendant? Didn't he see that he would be eaten by the Horse? Why did he want to draw him out of his defense so blatantly? ), but also in the sudden realization that struck him like a bolt from the blue.
"San Lang?" he called thoughtfully without looking up.
"Tell me gege."
"I have a bizarre feeling."
"Oh. Bizarre is a very unusual word, gege."
Xie Lian nodded.
"You're right. But I wouldn't know how else to define what I see."
"Are you talking about the pawns, gege? To everything there is a...."
Xie Lian looked up from the chessboard, looking straight into his eyes, and in seeing the way his husband looked at him, Hua Cheng felt the rest of the sentence stuck in his throat.
"Did something happen between you and Mu Qing or between you and Feng Xin, San Lang? "
Hua Cheng looked at him puzzled for a moment, once again not knowing exactly what to say. Sometimes the way Xie Lian could read him to the core made him a little uncomfortable. Nevertheless, Hua Cheng was not really used to feeling naked like that.
"San Lang I'm not angry, I just want to understand what's going on, because I've had the feeling for a long time already that you want to push me toward them, but I can't really understand why. Do you feel like telling me what's going on? "
Hua Cheng still remained silent, watching his husband's serious, attentive and curious eyes.
"There are many things I don't understand, no doubt," Xie Lian continued, "And it's likely that I've misinterpreted the situation, which is why I'm asking you. I simply want to understand what's going on."
"I didn't want to give you the impression that I wanted to force you to do something, far from it. I just wanted to expose you to ... alternatives. I just think you should finally give yourself a chance to be happy," the ghost replied slowly, "Especially since you seem to have realized how you feel about them."
Xie Lian remained silent for a moment, continuing to look at him as if trying to peer even deeper into him. Hua Cheng suddenly understood what Feng Xin meant when he had once, several years earlier, told him that Xie Lian had always had a regal and divine and distant aura, even as a mortal, even when he was the young and beloved and magnificent His Highness the Crown Prince.
It was an aura that you were born with, an aura of a prince and a god, something that nailed you to the earth, with no way to escape or lie or do anything other than what he wanted or commanded.
Hua Cheng did not really understand, because his mortal encounters with Xie Lian had always been too brief to really pay attention to, and he was too dazzled to notice anything else, and since they had been together Xie Lian had always been very quiet, reserved, and kind.
Perhaps only as Wu Ming had witnessed a very small part of that prince. He still remembered with absolute accuracy the cold voice of his god, the rigid movements of his body, the full and total awareness he exuded in feeling powerful and superior. He still remembered how he could command him with only a small gesture of his hands, the cruelty and aura of fury and desire for revenge that oozed from his body.
He remembered how he had looked up at his god, had seen the mask that half cried and half laughed, and Hua Cheng had felt an icy chill of terror at seeing the birth of a new Calamity. A fallen god from the top of Heaven to the depths of Hell.
But even then Wu Ming had had no doubt, not even for an instant. He was the weapon that would exhaust Xie Lian's will. And if the Flower Crown Martial God had decided he wanted to rule the world with flames and chaos, then that was exactly what would happen.
Hua Cheng could not sustain his gaze and suddenly found himself looking at the chessboard. This did not seem to stop Xie Lian.
"What I mean to say, San Lang, is that I would like to know how you feel because if the decision is only about me, I have already made it and based on your hesitation I don't think you will like it. But if the decision is about both of us, then I would really like to talk to you about it and know what direction you want to go."
Hua Cheng did not respond, remaining almost in stubborn silence. After a couple of minutes of silence Hua Cheng looked up again at his husband, finding him still staring. He wasn't quite sure what he wanted to say, and probably his own indecision was so evident on his face because his husband got up and sat down beside him, taking his hands in his own.
"San Lang, I want your happiness before anything else. If this is what you desire, I will face every obstacle and difficulty because you give me strength and courage every day, I will not back down. I will fight with all my might, I promise."
Hua Cheng kept his gaze fixed in his for a matter of seconds, then returned to their clasped hands. He squeezed them even tighter, feeling uncomfortable.
"Gege, I -- I don't know exactly how I feel. I'm not used to feeling anything for someone other than you, and I thought maybe I could figure it out through how you feel. If that makes sense," he commented uncertainly, "Believe me gege, you are my everything and you will always be my everything."
Xie Lian hinted a smile and reached out a hand, stroking his cheek.
"I could never doubt your feelings for me, San Lang. My beloved, why did you not tell me about it? "
"Because inside you knew perfectly well how you felt gege, you just had to accept it. But how could I talk to you about something so confusing and meaningless? Plus, I'm the first one who doesn't understand. And I don't deserve these feelings, I'm just your humble servant, as it should be. Your happiness is the most important thing in the world. I don't think I have to feel something for someone else. You are you and that is enough for me. But you must be happy. This stupid San Lang already has more than he should ever have wanted."
Hua Cheng merely abandoned his head against his husband's hand, still gently resting on his cheek.
"You are worthy of every single drop of happiness you can have, San Lang. And you will never be my servant, but always only my husband. I want your happiness and you want mine. So now we have to find a way to make this statement true. We just have to talk to each other."
"Gege, do you want to tell me instead why you won't even try? "
"To be honest, I think it's because I'm afraid," Xie Lian admitted with a resigned sigh, letting both hands fall back on his own legs.
"Afraid? Gege, I will protect you from the whole world if necessary."
Xie Lian looked into his eyes again and gave him a smile full of love.
"San Lang, I love you with all my being. You are my husband. You are the person who means the most to me in this world. Sometimes I think about what I would be right now if I had not met you, if I had not had you in my life. Every day with you is wonderful, and every day I think we must really be meant to be together, because I was lucky enough to meet you despite my tremendous bad luck, so it must be fate."
Xie Lian smiled even more openly and again took Hua Cheng's hand between his own, barely caressing it.
"And these feelings I have for you… it took me years before I could come to terms with them, you know. When you are used to feeling no particular emotion for eight hundred years, it is terrifying to suddenly feel something so overwhelming. I was constantly terrified of losing you, of being smothered by your love, of making you miserable. And there are still times when the terror returns and it's a terror I can't control and it stays until it disappears on its own. Sleep usually helps, but not always. And I feel consumed by this terror."
Hua Cheng held him close again, without saying anything. Xie Lian abandoned himself against him.
"I don't know if I am able to feel any more terror, San Lang. I don't know if my heart can take any more of such intense feelings. What I feel for you is already so hard to control. How can I do the same with Mu Qing and Feng Xin? How can I manage to keep everything under control and in order? What do you think, San Lang? "
Hua Cheng sighed and took him between his legs, squeezing him tighter and resting his cheek against his head.
"I think that precisely because you have spent eight hundred years feeling nothing, you should now take every opportunity to feel as much as you can. I can understand your fear and I can understand that you are trying to protect yourself. But if you reject these feelings now, you risk regretting them precisely because they are so intense and therefore worth experiencing. As for the rest…"
Hua Cheng bent his head to one side to meet his husband's gaze and smiled sweetly at him.
"Wasn't it you who once told me that "If this bond continues, it will be three parts fate and seven parts courage." Or am I wrong?."
Xie Lian blushed furiously.
"San Lang! Why do you remember these embarrassing things?" he complained bringing a hand to his face.
Hua Cheng hinted a laugh and gave him a kiss on the forehead.
"Because everything you say is important. That's why."
Xie Lian spread his fingers to peer at him and saw him smile again. He dropped his hand and returned the smile, though embarrassed.
"Thank you, San Lang."
Hua Cheng took his hands in his own and returned to look him in the eye.
"Let yourself go. In any case, I will be with you. Even if it goes wrong."
"Do you really think I'm capable of that, San Lang? Do you really think that I ... can manage to be with you and them? "
"You have tremendous strength, gege. And if it gets to be too much, take a break. No one will be angry, and most importantly, you won't be alone."
Hua Cheng gave him a long, deep kiss, and Xie Lian felt his lips numb again, felt a surge of courage, and looked at him again.
"Let go of everything, gege. Every fear you have and every doubt. Let yourself be free to feel every feeling to the fullest, no matter how good or bad, positive or negative they may be. But allow yourself to be and have everything you want. Please. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for me."
Xie Lian looked into his eyes for a very long moment and then decided to do what he had always done from the first moment he met him.
He decided to trust him and his judgment. Hua Cheng would accompany him, step by step, as always, until that moment
"...All right," he nodded, "All right, San Lang."
Xie Lian hugged him again, and feeling Hua Cheng's strong arms tighten around his body gave him a new wave of energy and positivity.
He really wanted to try to let go.
Despite the panic of not making it and despite the terror that that mass of feelings instilled in him, Xie Lian felt at the same time a slight thrill of impatience when he thought of what lay ahead.
Letting go was perhaps the best decision after all.