Burnt Orange, Ice Blue

by BrightLotusMoon

Summary:

Mikey knows how badly traumatized Leo is. He wants nothing more than to help his brother. Unfortunately, Mikey's own depression has something to say about that.

Notes:

This was conceived as a oneshot, and then it spiraled, like all my imagines do. I only know a little about how it will end.

Chapter 1

 

It hurt, realizing how deep the sadness actually went. He'd forgotten how much being sad hurt.

It weighed him down like bricks. He floated in the murky ink pools he had created, whether he knew it or not.

He hadn't felt like this in a while.

This was what his oldest brother was going through, wasn't it?

Michelangelo paused his pen on the journal page.

"I can't tell him this," he whispered to the orange hardbound book. "I can't tell anyone. They need me to be fun."

They were all still recovering from what they called The Bad Day. The group hallucination that the Foot Mystics had pulled them into. They had lost everything. Klunk. April. Casey. Leatherhead. Everyone. Everything.

And then it was over and reality was back, and he wasn't also trapped in a battle to the actual death that his own family had mocked about-

Mikey slammed the journal closed. Klunk, curled up at the end of the bed, woke up with a concerned trill.

"Sorry, Klunkie." Mikey sighed and went to put the journal in his secret drawer, on top of the sketch pad filled with grisly nightmare pictures. 

Last night, for example.

Mikey shook himself. Leo had taught him more than just lessons on that mountain. He'd opened himself wide, directly to Mikey, begging him to help him. And Mikey had. He'd beaten Kluh. He had won.

For Leo. For his family. Kluh's threats still haunted him.

Klunk screaming as he drowned still haunted him.

Leo's raspy tired voice telling him to focus, because they were all connected.

Connection. That was it, wasn't it?

They were losing connection.

Mikey leaned his hands against his desk heavily. His legs felt like stone. That dark, dark fog that had been lingering for weeks since the grudge match crept forward, slowly opening like an eldritch embrace from behind, a great maw hovering behind his head, patiently anticipating. He could feel it more every day. It itched.

Donnie once asked if he needed ointment for the back of his head. Mikey had accepted that with a smile. It was true, after all. He kept scratching. Like old wallpaper peeling off too easily.

It hurt. He was afraid.

But not as much as he was afraid for his family.

---

He was too tired to deal with thoughts anymore. What did they say about orange cat energy? 

He grinned at his own ginger tabby. "How about you, Klunk? No thoughts, head empty?"

Klunk just blinked bright green eyes and yawned widely.

"Heh. I wish. Ya know what? I'm gonna get a snack and do a lap around before bed. Be back."

As he stretched and headed out, Klunk curled up and put his tail over his nose to sleep.

---

Mikey gulped down reheated pizza and two glasses of water before the sounds registered in his brain. He wandered out and heard activity in the dojo.

Mikey liked being in his family's spaces. He found boundaries a bit stifling even as he did his best to respect them. And whoever was in the dojo most likely did not want, at all, to have Mikey cross their boundary.

Mikey did it anyway, because he knew it was somehow needed.

He wasn't surprised to see Leo, performing the same kata again and and again, breath whistling past clenched teeth. 

Mikey squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath before heading inside.

It was almost funny how Leo didn't seem to notice how close he was getting, until his open hand brushed against the side of Mikey's head.

Mikey smiled, but Leo looked startled and frightened. 

"Mikey? How did you…where did you come from?"

Mikey just kept smiling. "You're too deep inside your head, Leo. Come on out."

Leo stared at him, his dark eyes glittering. "I can't," he whispered.

Mikey just leaned in and hugged him as hard as he could. "I know."

---

They had all returned from that damn grudge match exhausted, and Mikey reluctantly let Master Splinter and Donnie fuss over his cracked ribs and the bruises on every limb. 

He hadn't even noticed, the adrenaline had flowed that hard. He could have smashed Kluh's head in - he'd wanted to, holy shell, it made him feel sick. He sat on the metal table and pressed his left hand to his abdomen, as his right arm was poked.

"Ow," he whined, a little more pathetic than he'd meant.

"It's definitely sprained, and strained as well, and the shoulder is partially dislocated." Donnie's voice was flat and calm, like a tired physician. Mikey pressed his lips together as pain burned from his elbow to his wrist.

"That means ligaments, tendons, and joints," Splinter said softly, ears drooping. 

Mikey swallowed. His throat felt sore from screaming at Kluh. 

"My son, do you feel ill?" Splinter's hand was on his cheek. 

Mikey gazed at him and shrugged with his good shoulder. The rat took his left arm and began applying accupressure on his wrist. Donnie suddenly appeared holding an ice cube to his mouth.

At Mikey's confused look, Donnie smiled. "Just hold it in your mouth and breathe. Helps with anxiety."

Mikey had always trusted Donnie completely. He opened his mouth and made a startled chirp as the cold startled his nerves into calming.

"I love that trick." Donnie produced another ice cube and pressed it to Mikey's collarbone, gently rubbing it across the skin above his plastron.

Mikey furrowed his brow and raised an eyeridge. Donnie laughed. "It'll help more."

Mikey let the ice melt on his tongue. "It feels weird. Also, this family doesn't hug enough."

Donnie looked taken aback. "Huh."

Splinter leaned in and carefully embraced him. "That will have to change."

Mikey buried his face in his father's shoulder. He missed Leo. Sure, his brother was around, but he wasn't there. He wasn't there  the way he should be. Why was Mikey the only one to see it?

Leo's words on the mountain came back to him. Leo had been talking about death. About Mikey's death, and the family's death.

And then Kluh talked about death, about Mikey's death, and the family's death. And something dark and heavy and furious had risen inside Mikey, something made of steel and fire.

Titanium. Titan.

He could have killed him. He had the right.

Something is wrong with Leo and I'm the only one who sees it because something is wrong with me.

Mikey choked down a soft sob. But Splinter was a master ninja and an expert father. He stroked the back of his head, whispering, "It is all right to cry, Michelangelo. I understand your pain."

Do you? Mikey wanted to say. Do you see me?

He remembered the severe ribbing his whole family had given him on the roof. Okay, he had been really really obnoxious with all the boasting. But the Battle Nexus Championship belonged to him. Him! Splinter, Master Yoshi, and…Mikey. And wasn't that who he was? He was And Mikey. 

And his family was starting to fracture in front of him.

Splinter released him and made him lie down so Donnie could see the damage Kluh's punching had really done.

"Yeah, that's a fracture," Donnie sighed.

Mikey's mouth quirked.

---

Leo was gone.

Mikey sat on the couch with a comic in his hands and just stared.

Leo was in Japan to train with The Ancient One, because he was getting worse. And Mikey was left to keep the lights from burning out back home. Except Mikey had to build new masks, new coping mechanisms, because Leo was gone and everything was a mess.

The darkness in Mikey's head kept growing, and he kept up the masks because he had to.

When Karai and the Foot Clan attacked, Mikey hadn't even thought, he had grabbed Klunk and just run.

And he'd never been happier to see Leonardo.

And then Donnie nearly died from a secondary mutation and they were on Bishop's list again.

Mikey didn't think he could have maintained his personality at that point, and he was amazed at himself for pulling through. Even if Don didn't remember, some deep part of him probably did. Mikey felt as though he understood that. 

Donnie didn't really want to talk about it. Mikey decided that was unhealthy. But who was he to judge? They all were experts at ninja emotions now, they had gone through enough trauma to break a person. 

Mikey really didn't want to break. He felt like he was going to.

---

He wrote in the journal fiercely, pen pressing too hard sometimes. There were tear stains on the paper often. He wrote things he probably shouldn't, he spilled his fears out through the royal blue ink. His fingers shook.

At one point, Mikey growled at the little book and threw it to the floor. His mind hazed over. He grabbed his newest skateboard and hurried to the lair exit without telling anyone. But Raph was heading to the couch and they locked eyes. Raph suddenly looked very worried, and a little scared. Mikey just gave him an okay sign, at which Raph frowned. Mikey kept moving. He didn't stop moving. He couldn't, not when the dark haze was at his back and coming closer.

He didn't see Raphael walk toward his bedroom.

Chapter 2

 

Somehow, Raphael had found himself becoming the rational brother, and he couldn't remember when that started.

Wait, he could.

Right after April and Casey's wedding reception, with everyone sharing trauma stories about the various Shredders they'd fought over the years. April and Joi had been comparing notes on Tengu Shredder and Cyber Shredder. Raph had been listening, but carefully watching the dessert table.

Michelangelo's plate had been half loaded and food was not disappearing into his mouth.

Raph's eyes had narrowed. He'd dismissed it when Michelangelo sat at a nearby table and began to eat while staring off into the trees.

Mikey was weird like that. They all needed their moments. Raph let it be.

Raph forgot about it until a couple of months later.

That was the day he found Mikey's journal and read about Leo.

---

Raph was pacing and pacing, the little orange book in his hands, his fingers twitching and tapping. Mikey really felt like that. All of that, all the pain and fear and darkness, coming from the knucklehead? 

Raph paused, biting his tongue. Fuck. He'd always teased Mikey, it was natural, like Mikey teasing him. Push and pull. Knock him down, he always bounces back up, that was why Raph loved watching Mikey fight. They all did. A broad smile and a wink. They needed that so much. If Mikey was okay, their world was okay.

Mikey…Mikey wasn't okay. Mikey hadn't been okay for a long time. Mikey hadn't been okay since Leo hadn't been okay. That felt like a lifetime ago. They spent months without Leo.

They couldn't spend months without Mikey.

Raph's breath caught and his chest tightened and his vision blurred.

He sat on his brother's bed, staring at the journal. It felt like hours, it might have been, because a noise made him finally look up.

Michelangelo was staring at him in horror.

Raphael slammed the book shut and stood up, a cold chill crawling up his spine. 

Mikey pointed. "That's my journal." His voice sounded rough. 

Hearing dried up tears in his brother's voice strengthened Raph's resolve. He dropped the book on the bed. "I'm worried about you, Mike. This felt like the only way."

"Why would you be worried about me?" Mikey narrowed his eyes. "Considering what both Leo and Don went through, you should be worried about them."

Raph rocked back in surprise, and folded his arms. "I am worried about them. But not like I'm worried about you."

"Well, don't be." Mikey shrugged, his gaze sliding to the journal. "I'm fine."

Raph opened his mouth and closed it with an audible snap. "Really?" He gestured to the book. "You write all that, then deny it right to my face?"

"Private thoughts, dude!" Mikey nearly snarled. 

"Some of them ain't been so private, bro," Raph snarled back. 

Mikey's shoulders snapped up, head back, looking too serpentine. "It doesn't matter, Raph. You went through my fucking journal! You had no right!"

Raph swallowed hard. It had been years since he'd seen Mikey actually angry. But… he'd rather the kid be angry at him, because he could handle a scary, scared Mikey. "I know," he said softly. "I had no right. It's a complete invasion of your privacy."

Mikey's lip curled up. "You're damn right it is. How much did you read?"

Raph didn't look away. "All of it."

Mikey punched him. 

Raph didn't expect it. He probably should have. His head snapped to the side, the bruise on his jaw already throbbing. "I deserved that," he said. "I didn't- I-"

He looked at Mikey. His brother was breathing hard, growling, and… crying. 

"Aw, Mike…"

"Don't," Mikey snapped. "Don't touch me. You don't- you haven't-"

Raph nodded slowly. "I haven't earned it. But I will."

"Get out of my room," Mikey whispered, his voice cracking. 

Raph couldn't breathe. "Mikey, please, lemme explain-"

"There's nothing to explain, Raph! You read my journal!" Mikey's expression was ugly, his eyes too dark. His eyes were shining like glass  in a way that hurt Raph's stomach. 

Swallowing, Raph noted the tremor in Mikey's hands. "Mike, you're not okay. You know that, right?"

Mikey snarled again. "I can take care of myself."

"No, you can't!" Raph snapped. "Look at yourself, you're shaking!"

Mikey drew himself up, but he was shaking too much and the effect looked too frightened for Raph to take. Raph's arms went up and circled around his brother's shoulders. "Come on, bro," he said as gently as he could. "You need help."

Mikey was stiff, but the way he leaned into the embrace told Raph that he probably knew. 

"I don't need help," Mikey whispered. "I need to help Leo."

Sighing, Raph cupped the back of his head. "Leo can wait a bit. You can't. You realize that, right?"

"I'm fine," Mikey inhaled, but he bowed his head, and Raph easily bumped their foreheads together. The few inches he had gained even on Donnie gave him an advantage that he needed to use more. 

"You're not allowed to say that until Donnie says you are."

Blinking, Mikey attempted a wry smile. "He's an engineer, not a doctor, damn it."

Raph chuckled. "He's still the best we got right now. Big brain, big concepts. Although you've really been tearing through those psychology textbooks."

Mikey actually flushed. "A lot of them were illustrated."

"Yeah? And you're a visual learner, ain't ya? Seeing and doing. 'cept you're not great at seeing yourself."

Mikey rolled his eyes. "Neither are you."

Raph stared right into his eyes, tightening his grip just a little. "So then why don't we start together?"

Mikey bit his lip. "Okay."

"Okay?" Raph swallowed, frowning. 

Mikey nodded, and bumped their foreheads together. "Okay."

Raph grumbled, soothed. "Good." He stepped back. "How about some food. We could make dumplings."

Mikey perked up. "April did get me that pack of wonton wrappers."

"There you go!" Raph gave him a firm side hug and kept his arm around Mikey's waist. His little brother was too thin, and Raph felt his fingers press into the skin, to reassure. "We have that mushroom mix you made yesterday for the filling."

Mikey's eyes lit up. "I've almost convinced Leo to let me try the other kind of mushroom."

Raph laughed, buoyant. "Hell, bet we all should. Donnie's already making the weed in the back of the lab into gummies."

"Wait, he didn't touch my Pineapple Trainwreck, did he?" The glint in Mikey's narrow eyes showed Raph that he was still there. 

"He knows to leave the sativas to you." Raph patted his side. "He says you haven't been chatty while you tend the plants."

Mikey glanced at him. "I didn't think he'd notice."

Raph's brain halted. He blinked. "Mikey… you are absolutely fucking depressed and we are doing something about it or so help me I'll–" He swallowed. 

Mikey nudged him. "You'll what, dude?"

"I'll tell everyone at once."

Mikey inhaled. "Please don't."

Raph looked at him. "Then be straight with me. Don't put yourself down anymore, or just at least think about it."

Mikey pressed his mouth together. "Okay."

It wasn't okay. But Raphael would take it. 

Chapter 3

Donatello would have resented being told his head was in the clouds. But a few months ago, he and Mikey watched a nature documentary while Mikey was testing out a new edibles batch, and Mikey had started telling stories, updated versions of folk tales… and ever since, Donnie found himself turning to some of those stories to help solve project problems. 

There wasn't a way to solve Mikey now. It was keeping Don up at night. Mikey would joke that everything kept Don up at night, and Raph would add on to it, and Leo would chuckle, and Donnie would smile. When was the last time that had happened?

Donnie paused in his soldering, then heard his stomach growl. He was finished with this motherboard anyway. He carefully shed his gear, cleaned up his equipment, too focused. A shadow deepened near him. 

Fingers snapped in Donatello's face. "Hey. I'm talkin' to you. We didn't see it. Dammit, Donnie. Getcher head outta your--"

Michelangelo called from the kitchen, his voice weirdly hoarse. "Nachos, Raph?"

"Nachos are great, Mike!" Raph bellowed from right beside Donnie's work table. "Be right there!"

Raph turned back on Donnie. "There's trouble. I don't got time--"

"Jalepeños or double jalepeños, Raph?"

"DOUBLE!"

Raph swung back to Donnie. "Just fuckin' get in the kitchen and help me fuckin' fix this!"  

And with that, Donatello was left blinking over his soldering iron. He hadn't heard a word. Washing up, he considered grabbing a first aid kit. 

By the time he approached the kitchen, he heard laughter. 

Genuine, lifting laughter. 

Heart soaring, Donnie hurried in and saw Raph and Mike, sitting at the table with a giant plate of nachos. There was a pitcher of Mikey's famous lemonade with black tea, and a vape pen. It was orange. Mikey made sure the brothers each had their own color. Donnie swiped it and took a deep hit as he sat down across from his brothers. 

Mikey opened his arms. "Donnie! My bro!" His eyes were sparkling but damp, and Donnie's heart clenched. 

Raph raised his glass. "Hey, nerd." His entire face looked relaxed. 

Donnie blew vapor in his face and used taking a nacho as an excuse to look at Mikey.

The youngest was smiling for real, eyes crinkling, and he was eating with more gusto than Don had seen in… weeks. Tortilla chips - avocado flavor, Mike's second favorite - piled with fixings, were disappearing into his mouth. 

Mikey suddenly paused, chewing, and raised an eyeridge. "Wha' you smiling about, Dee?"

Donnie tapped his cheeks, which were hurting. "Just… good to see you eating."

Mikey swallowed and snorted, scooping up another chip full. "I'm always eating. That's like telling someone you're happy they're breathing."

Raph stiffened visibly. Donnie's throat felt tight. He took a nacho and whispered, "That too."

"Can't hear you, chewing loudly."

"Don't worry about it." Donnie began to take small bites. Something in his head suggested fuck it, and he stuffed it in his mouth. Raph snorted.

Mikey gave a thumbs up as he continued eating. Raph was watching him out of the corner of his eye in a way Donnie hadn't seen in… a long time. Like when Leo was angry. Or after Donnie was recovering from his double mutation. 

He shivered, hiding it with a vape hit and eating more. The nachos were nearly gone. He was feeling comfortable and satisfied and not quite full, but close. He tilted his head back, sighing, squeezing his eyes shut. 

The air aound him shifted, and he heard Mikey say in a soft voice, "Hi, Leo." It sounded wrong. It sounded like an apology. 

Donnie opened his eyes and stared right into Leo's, upside down. "Nachos?" he offered. 

Leo's warm deep blue-gray eyes gleamed and he took the seat next to Don. "Don't mind if I do." He began eating with the same gusto as his brothers, and finished the plate. He offered the last bite to Mikey, who blinked, then automatically leaned forward, opening his mouth. 

Donnie and Raph watched as Leo fed Mikey, tipping his chin with a finger, wiping off the sour cream flawlessly. 

Like a parent. 

Mikey blushed, and sat back. "You didn't have to do that, bro."

Leo tilted his head like a bird. He smiled. "I wanted to."

Donnie bit his lip and his gaze slid to Raph. Raph was gazing back at him. There was a secret in his golden eyes, something full of pain. 

Donnie suddenly remembered being in the audience at Mikey's grudge match against Kluh. Raph's eyes had been full of that pain: fear, regret, frustration, and a cold rage, as Kluh began punching Mikey so hard Don was sure he could feel a rib crack from here. That pain was there when Raph had nearly smashed Mikey's head with a lead pipe, all those years ago, the despair and desperation shining through before he ran off and found his other best friend. 

Raph knew something big and he wasn't sure how to talk about it. That was why there were nachos on the table and preparations for dumplings near the stove. Raph had been hoping to coerce Mikey into talking. Not just in private. 

Donnie took a long deep breath. 

Raph snapped his fingers in front of Don's face. "Genius. Get your head outta those clouds, that's Mikey's territory." 

"They're fluffy!" Mikey supplied, giggling. It sounded raw. Donnie smiled quickly. Next to him, Leo sucked in a breath through his teeth.

They were all seeing it,  except Mikey, of course. But Raph knew something. He knew why Mikey was... upset. Donnie looked at Leo, who was deep in thought, at Mikey, whose smile wasn't in his bloodshot eyes, at Raph, who seemed to be physically trying to start a conversation with his eyes. Donnie frowned. 

"Welp!" Mikey dusted his hands off. "Imma clean up and go play vi-" And Raph grabbed his wrist. 

"Nope. Sit down."

Mikey's eyes grew large and he started to pull away. Donnie blurted out, "We need to talk about Mikey's health."

The stare Mikey leveled at him definitely resembled a deer caught in headlights. 

Donnie felt the same way. What had made him say that? Raph had been telling him they never saw it. It was something about Mikey. No, it was Mikey. 

Something was wrong with Mikey. Mikey was what Raph had been talking about. 

Something was wrong with his little brother. 

Donnie's brain ground to a halt. 

He should have grabbed the first aid kit. 

Raph cleared his throat and angled his chin to say "thank you, the obvious needed to be stated" and Leo stood up slowly. Donnie watched it all happen very slowly, like a car accident. 

Mikey was looking at Raph with not quite puppy eyes, but certainly little sibling eyes. "Now?" he squeaked. 

"Now," Raph rumbled, literally letting an animal growl roll through his chest and out. 

At that sound, Donnie snapped to attention. So did Leo. Mikey stiffened. That particular growl meant business. They would use subvocal noises to communicate in a language all their own, and this was one of the no nonsense grumbles that said "no playing this is for real." Leo used it often, back when… well. 

Leo came close and cupped Mikey's cheek. "We're not letting you squirm your way out."

"But…" Mikey seemed to crumple, to fold, like soft origami. "But… it's not about me, it's supposed to be me helping you. Because… you know, when you came back from Japan there was still stress floating around and you… and I should've…"

"Stop." Very softly, Leo let out a deep, low purring thrum, and Donnie felt his body loosen. He watched as Mikey leaned into the touch. Leo wrapped both arms around him. His mouth moved but Donnie wasn't paying attention. He was laser focused on Mikey's reaction, and Raph, who knew why. 

Raphael was still holding on to Mikey's wrist, and he flung the other arm around Mikey's neck from behind, sandwiching him. Mikey chirped in happy surprise, then purred. 

"I'm fine," Leo said in a soft tone. "I really am. I've been using the Ancient One's teachings to confront my anxieties and soothe them."

Donnie hummed. He knew he knew this, but emotionally it felt like brand new information. He stood up and joined in the huddle on Mikey's open side, bumping his beak against Mikey's temple, squishing himself in. Mikey gave an inquisitive chirp, which Donnie repeated soothingly. "What Leo means, Mikey, is that we all know something big has been going on with you, and we've given you space to deal with it. But you have not been dealing with it, have you?"

"I-" Mikey swallowed. "I thought I was."

Raph pressed in a little tighter. "You gotta tell them."

Donnie gasped a little. The secret. Mikey made a tiny whine at the back of his throat. 

Leo nuzzled the side of his head. "Michelangelo, you know whatever is bothering you, we will face it as a team."

Mikey scrunched up his face. "I'm… sad."

Leo frowned deeply. "Sad?"

Raph made an irritated clicking noise. 

Mikey shrugged listlessly. "Yeah. And tired. And sore."

That set off Donnie's alarms. He grabbed Mikey's wrist and maybe pressed harder on the pulse point than he had to. "I'll have to do some tests. We've been through so much crap. It could be so many things. Do you feel dizzy? How's your hearing? Are you having headaches? Did you lick something you weren't supposed to like an artifact? Any weird dreams? Did you get checked for shell rot recently? Have you been taking your vitamins?" He ran his hands over his brother lightly. 

Raphael had been staring at him, mouth open, during his ramble. Mikey just looked very confused. Leo calmly stood there and… observed. His expression was tense and neutral. 

Donatello's breath caught. "Your color is off, your scent is off, your weight is off. Your whole body feels off…"

Mikey rolled his eyes. "You sure know how to make a guy feel pretty."

"...your humor is questionable."

"Hey! I'm funnier than you!"

Donnie's eyeridge quirked. "On a good day. Now hold still. "

Mikey grumbled, and began tapping his toes. "Is it done?"

"No. I need to scan for potential parasites, nanoprobes, alien tech, poisons, any signs of tampering…"

"Damn it, Donnie!" Raph burst out. "Are you that dense?" He paused. "Wait, when was the last time you got checked for shell rot, Mike? Who checked? And did you take the vitamins?"

Mikey tried to shake them off. "No, it's not shell rot. And yeah, maybe I forgot to take the vitamins."

Donatello just kept fretting. "He's got all the signs of Shell Rot! Depressed appetite. Depressed affect. Depressed function. Depressed energy…"

Mikey gave a long, hard sigh. "Depressed depression." 

Donnie nodded. "Depression. Wait. What?"

Leo's eyes narrowed and his shoulders went back. 

Mikey stamped his foot. "Goddamnit, Raph, don't make me say it. Depression. De. Press. Shun. My shell's fine. We do own mirrors."

Donnie backed up until his legs hit a chair. He sat down. "Oh. OH." His head dropped into his hands. "Oh. Mikey."

He saw Leo grab Mikey by the shoulders. "No, but..." The eldest was staring at the youngest, looking him up and down. "You, Mikey? I… no. No, I never wanted this. Not you. Not for you."

Mikey stared back at him. "I don't understand."

Leo's mouth crumbled. "No, I don't think you would understand. I wanted to hide it. I wanted to keep the rest of you safe, especially you. Especially you, Mikey."

Donnie stood up again. Leo, opening up like this, was a long long time coming. Gods and science, Donnie thought, he was a fool for not seeing it sooner. For not seeing Mikey getting shrouded and consumed by a darkness with a parasitic agenda. For thinking Leonardo really was fine. Donnie clenched his fists. He had to fix this. He was the fixer. The engineer. The scientist. 

The doctor. 

"Clinical depression," he mumbled. "Major depressive disorder. It's insidious."

"Don, you okay?" Raph asked. 

"I'm thinking. Mike needs to come to the lab. I'll get out the electrodes. We have a scanner the Utroms gave us. I bet I can pinpoint where in the brain the chemical imbalance is. I can look up medications for all of us, add to the vitamin regime."

"Slow down, Donatello," came Leo's voice, shaky yet confident. "Breathe."

"What? I am breathing." He looked up. Leo was holding on to Mikey, who looked spooked and ready to run. Raph had one hand stretched toward Mike and the other toward Don. He glanced between them like a wild animal keeper. 

Oh. 

Donnie marched himself forward and grabbed Mikey from the side  in another hug. Raph shrugged and resumed his position from behind Mikey. Leo exhaled and wrapped his arms around everyone the best he could. Mikey stopped looking like a frightened feral cat, muscles loosening. 

"I'm so sorry," Mikey broke down. "I really thought I was fine."

Raph chirped against the back his head. "You gonna tell them?"

Mikey swallowed. "I have a… a journal. Raphie read it. I punched him."

"You punched him?" Leo frowned, looking at Raph and seeing the bruise on his jaw. 

"Oh," Donnie said, staring at Raph's face. "I understand now. I feel like a fool."

Mikey pulled back and stared at him. "Fuck no."

Donnie cracked a grin. "Even geniuses fuck up. But I've learned many things from my mistakes already. Like how important you are."

"Nerd," Mikey said fondly. 

"Geek," Donnie replied. He reached out and rubbed his thumb under Mikey's eyes. That seemed to break a dam, and Mikey began to cry. 

Leo pulled his head down, to his shoulder, as Raph and Don tightened their holds. They stood like trees, connected, until Mikey lifted his head from Leo's shoulder and apologized. 

"There's nothing to apologize for," Leo said. "There never was."

Mikey let out a crackling sob, suddenly. "In this life, all we have is each other. If one of us goes down, we all go down."

"Oh, you remembered," Leo murmured. "I was so worried."

Raph had pulled his head back with a puzzled frown, and Donnie again was left to wonder what the hell he had missed. 

"For the grudge match," Mikey said, raising his head, eyes shimmering with tears. "We were training on the mountain. You told me that. You told me to focus. I did. I focused."

Leo pressed their foreheads together. "I was so proud of you. I'm proud now. I'm always proud of you."

A wet laugh, and Mikey shook his head. "Why did I think you weren't?"

"Depression," Raph and Don said in unison, flatly, then each untangled an arm to slap hands, before returning to the group hug. 

"What do we do now?" Mikey whispered. 

"You're coming to the lab," Donnie whispered. 

After a pause, Mikey whispered back, "Okay."

"Okay?" Raph repeated. Mikey grinned. 

Leo let out a long sigh. "My brothers. My wonderful, magnificent, dumbass little brothers."

"Oy," Raph snapped without heat. "Just cuz you went all Buddhist on us don't mean you're so above it all."

Leo just cuddled them. "I'm not. I'm the dumbass looking after you all."

"Dumbasses incorporated," Mikey sniffled. 

Raph flung his head back as he laughed, and hugged Mikey even tighter. Mikey, leaning right into it, let his tongue hang out and made fake choking noises. But the way his fingers gripped Raph's forearms around his collarbone told Donnie more and more. The way Raphael laughed like it was new. 

Donnie glanced at Leo, who was palpating Mikey's carapace in a very familiar way - all here, all whole, all together - and caught heavy fat tears in the corners of his eyes. Mikey seemed to really enjoy the touches, eyes sparkling. 

Donnie should have been paying attention. He wondered if there was something deeper behind that, dismissing the obvious lingering fatigue from the - well, they had been launched across the world to fight ancient evil, channeled their chi, turned into dragons, traveled to the future, lost their father in cyberspace, and made it through an outdoor wedding with Mikey as maid of honor. And Donnie himself had just recovered from being a mindless monster (what do you remember, Donatello, what can you remember, didn't you almost rip Mikey's leg off?) and rode an entire helicopter from New York to Nevada and back.

They were tired.

For Mikey, though, the darkness had been toxic for way too long. Donnie needed to fix that.

His own issues could wait. 

Notes:

There's a lot of staring here. I need a thesaurus.

Every time I try to make a chapter longer, it insists on ending somewhere. This might mean things take longer with unexpected cliffhangers. I think I'm not in control here.

Wait til I think up plots for the Chi Harnessing and either return of Bishop or introduction of a similar villain.

Chapter 4

Leonardo didn't like to think about having anxiety attacks. He'd had way too many, after that episode where Donatello mutated and they were forced to seek out Agent Bishop in Nevada. He never told his family. He suspected Mikey had figured it out. 

Funny, how it all came back to Mikey. 

A month ago, Leonardo had had a nightmare in which Mikey had been wounded by the Shredder and thrown through the window, instead of Leo. The next night, he'd dreamed that Mikey had been severely wounded by Kluh and the Healers almost lost him. The night after that… he couldn't remember. There had been a distant animal snarl before Mikey's voice had called out, "Leo, come here, the sun is rising!" and Leo had woken up disoriented yet calm. His brother's voice had been echoing in his head, followed by the distinct sensation of sunlight on his skin, in his nose. 

He didn't tell anyone anything. He snuck glances at Michelangelo through the next couple of days, and was fairly sure Mikey kept looking back at him. 

And then Mikey watched him do a kata. When it was over and Leo was panting, Mikey smiled and opened his arms for a hug. Without a thought, Leo barreled into him and wrapped his arms around him like should have up on that mountain in the Battle Nexus. Mike seemed oddly tense and almost startled but had held on just as tightly. 

Leo hadn't really known what to say, so he had just sighed in contentment. Mikey had answered with a shaky inhale that set off the big brother alarms in Leo's head. 

"Is something wrong, Mikey?" he murmured. 

"Nah," Mikey said easily. "I just remembered that we all just need to hug more."

"Yeah," Leo grinned. "That's definitely true."

They had held each other for some time. And then in the distance there had been a crash, Donnie yelping, and Raph loudly wondering what the fuck blew up this time. Mikey had pulled away, eyes extremely bright, said "I didn't do it, by the way!" and ran off. 

Right now, standing in the middle of the kitchen, holding all his brothers while the youngest cried, Leo sucked in a breath, and exhaled the memory. 

Donnie began to nudge the huddle, and Raph's grip just tightened, so Leo took over and began shuffling forward, using his stretched arms to propel his brothers. As one, the turtles moved all the way into the recently renovated lab.

Donnie tugged Mikey out of the pile and onto the new medical table. It was a massage table that Casey and Don had refurbished. Mikey had been the one to suggest massages.

Leo watched, now, as Donnie pressed the acupressure point on the webbing between Mikey's thumb and finger, his other hand reaching for a pen light. Leo cleared his throat and nudged Donnie's hand, taking over. Donnie just flashed a quick smile. Mikey's eyes were darting between them.

Leo remembered a day when Mikey came home from April's with arms full of shopping bags from one of those new boutiques in the center right near their building. Something about keeping their skin as hydrated as their shells. All he knee was that the lotion Mikey insisted on rubbing into his shoulders and neck really helped the soreness. 

"Well, obviously," Donnie had snorted, reading the bottle, "there's cannabinoids in here. And mango butter."

Raph had applied some to his hand and sniffed it. "What, it ain't edible, is it?"

"For us, probably," Mikey had grinned. "The terpenes in mango enhance the cannabis."

Raph had rolled his eyes. "Don't start sounding like a smart-ass now."

"Oh but Raphie, you love it," and Mikey had flicked a glob of lotion directly onto his brother's forehead. 

Raph had just muttered and rubbed it into his skin.

Now, Leo could feel how smooth Mikey's hand was. "You're doing the best job at moisturizing."

Mikey gave him a startled glance, then flinched at the intrusive pen light. "Th-thanks?"

Donnie made a noise between a gasp and a hiss. "Why aren't your pupils reacting properly?"

Leo's head snapped up and he felt Raph tense up.

Mikey frowned deeply at Don. "I don't think I'd know that," he said, very slowly.

Donnie stared back. "Was that a bit?"

"No," Mikey said, clearly confused.

Biting his lip, Donnie grabbed the blood pressure cup and kept an eye on Mikey's face. They all did that. Mikey stared at the cuff.

"Your blood pressure is a little high." Donnie pressed the back of his hand to Mikey's forehead. "You're warmer than usual for a mesomorph with an iron gut." He paused to write notes on a pad.

"Is that a bit?" Mikey asked softly.

Donnie's expression softened. "It could be. You don't have to keep it going. You probably don't feel too good."

Mikey shrugged one shoulder. "Headache, I guess."

"You guess?" Donnie's eyeridge quicker.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Raph barked.

Leo shot him a glare. "Bro. He has a headache. Lower your volume." He draped his arm around Mikey's shoulders and felt a thrill when Mikey leaned into him. Oh, he did feel warm.

"...could be all the stress you just unloaded," Donnie was saying. 

Leo remembered being in Japan, confronting his failures, and for a while he was sick and exhausted, with a fever and chills. Whatever medicine The Ancient One gave him worked quickly. He needed to ask Splinter about them. 

"I'm fine," Mikey said, as if trying to convince someone. 

"No you are not," Leo said firmly. 

Mikey rolled his eyes. "You're not my mom."

"I might as well be." Leo found himself grinning. "I have deal with you weirdos all day."

Mikey gave him a half smile. "No, you."

Donnie snorted. "The early 2000s called, they want their humor back."

Mikey sniffed haughtily. "A classic era."

“Okay, okay, we're getting off track,” Donnie said. “A lot of humans and animals develop stress fevers, and our mutations are strange on a regular day. Mikey's been through a good amount of stress.”

Mikey shook his head. “Not compared to most of our adventures.”

Donnie just looked at him, head tilted. “True. But you've never hidden yourself like this.”

Mikey let out a low whine. “But I don't feel sick.”

Raph sighed and tickled the back of Mikey's head; Leo noted how he deliberately stayed soft. “Quit saying that, knucklehead, let Donnie figure it out.”

Mikey's pout turned into a tiny smile. “Yeah, okay.”

Donnie continued the exam, occasionally looking through a textbook, humming. He kept feeling the glands in Mikey's neck with a puzzled look. He kept frowning as he looked at his brother's limbs. He tested Mikey's reflexes-

“That was slow,” he said.

Mikey blinked. “And?”

Donnie shot him a glare. “You aren't slow.”

Mikey frowned. “Is that a bit?”

“No!” Donnie snapped, then inhaled. “Sorry. I meant that it shouldn't have taken that long for your body to react. Not yours. Out of all of us.”

Leo had watched sharply the whole time. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the fingers on Mikey's right hand twitch and curl.

Raph was already reaching out to put his own hand on his brother's. Mikey’s eyes flicked to him and his hand visibly spasmed.

“What was that?” Donnie asked a little too casually.

“I don't know,” Mikey said. “Why would I know?”

“You've been reading my books.”

“So? Maybe I haven't retained that part yet.” Mikey looked oddly obstinate.

Leo and Raph exchanged a glance.

Donnie knelt and shone his pen light onto Mikey's legs. “How'd you get the bruises?”

“Skateboarding,” Mikey said without blinking.

Leo narrowed his eyes.

“New moves?” Donnie hummed.

“Obviously.” Mikey gave a rakish grin. “I had to keep perfecting them.”

“How many times?” Raph asked. 

Mikey looked at him, calmy. “A bunch.”

Leo recognized a delayed deflective tactic when he saw one. He caught Donnie’s eye, and it told him what he needed.

“Why weren't you wearing guards?” Leo asked in his firm voice.

Mikey stared at him. “I didn't need them.”

“The bruises beg to differ.”

“They're not so bad,” Mikey grunted. “What's the big deal?”

“Are you trying to act like a brat?” Raph asked.

“No!” Mikey yelped, ripping himself away from them and holding his head in his hands. “I'm fi- I- it's not something I wanna talk about.”

That set off every alarm bell in Leonardo's head. If one of us-

He found himself reaching out for his brother (to help pull him up the cliff?) and Mikey yelled something, and then Mikey slid all the way back until his head met the wall with a crack.

“Ow,” Mikey muttered. “Why did I do that?”

Donnie was immediately shining the pen light at him. Leo hadn't seen him move. 

Raph gripped one of Mikey’s shoulders a little too tightly.

Donnie observed Mikey's entire head at this point, barely breathing, brow knotted, signs that Leo recognized as extreme stress. Like way back when Don had spent so much time trying to cure Sydney. Speaking of the underground city, Mikey had kept predicting things. His intuition and insight had been so sharp that Leo had started taking it for granted.

Wait. How much of Mikey had Leo been taking for granted?

If one of us goes down…

Donnie leaned back a little, and Mikey just stared at his hands in his lap.

“Mikey,” Donnie said in a really small voice, “did you know you had a seizure?”

Leonardo's head snapping up, a bolt of shock running through him, happened in unison with Raph's panicked “WHAT?” and suddenly the room felt smaller.

Mikey flexed his hands and looked up at Donnie very reluctantly. “Maybe?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

I didn't know it was going to end like that.

Chapter 5

Splinter returned from his trip to Japan extremely relieved that the Ancient One had given him so many herbal blends. The old man had kept muttering something about how “some spirit energies never stay where they're supposed to” and “he shouldn't have been able to open it” and Splinter hadn't questioned it but he developed a terrible headache on his last day, soothed by one of the tea blends. He recognized the cannabis and ginseng.

Leonardo greeted Splinter with a childlike relief, hugging him tightly enough to set off warning bells. “My son, what has happened? Has someone been hurt?”

When Leonardo inhaled slowly and shakily, Splinter sat them on the couch, ignoring his luggage, and cupped Leonardo’s chin in both hands. “Leonardo, I must know. Where are your brothers?”

“They're all in the infirmary,” Leonardo said, his eyes wet. “Michelangelo is… well, he's not physically hurt, not really…”

Splinter's ears flattened. “Explain.”

“Uhh.” Leonardo continued to look like a frightened child. “He wasn't feeling well. We learned he has clinical depression. And then we learned that he… he’d had a seizure earlier.”

Splinter bristled, then exhaled, opening his arms, pulling Leonardo down to his shoulder. The boy pressed his beak against his robe and shuddered.

After a moment, Splinter murmured, “Is Michelangelo conscious?”

“Yes,” Leonardo breathed. “He's getting tired, though. Donnie thinks the seizure happened when Mikey was out skateboarding earlier. Mikey says he doesn't know what happened.”

“Has all of this occurred within the last few hours?” 

“Hai, Sensei. Mikey has bruises he claims were from new skateboard moves.”

“Hmm. That is plausible enough. But Michelangelo will dance around a painful truth that harms him.” Splinter patted Leonardo’s cheek. “I will see to him.”

“I'm so glad you're home, father,” Leonardo murmured.

Splinter blinked, smiling widely. “Oh, Leonardo. You have had such heavy burdens. I'm so proud of you. You must know that.”

Leonardo gritted his teeth, tears streaming down his face. “He got me through it. Mikey. The…the darkness. He wrote about it. I didn't know. I didn't realize. All this time…”

“My son-”

Raphael skidded into the living room. “Hey, Dad, welcome back. Uh, just going to grab ice.” He continued toward the kitchen, quickly hurrying back at rare speed.

Splinter stood up. “I must see to Michelangelo.”

Leonardo exhaled again and followed.

---

Raphael finally let go of Mikey's wrist as their father walked in. He kept his hand hovering, as if… what? As if Mikey might have another seizure? Raph was still processing the first one.

Mikey, for his part, looked exactly like an adolescent boy worried he had upset his loved ones, knees pulled up tight and hugged. Donatello was flipping through multiple text books and scrolling on his laptop, his subvocal muttering turning into very soft chirps and clicks. Big sign of stress. Splinter’s ears drooped.

Raph cleared his throat. “Welcome home, Dad.”

Mikey looked up and offered a bright smile that didn't reach his eyes. “Hi, Dad!”

“I hope you had a good trip, Dad,” Donnie said, still reading.

“When did you all begin calling me ‘Dad,’ my sons?” Splinter’s teasing smirk was met with startled blinks.

“I…” Leo frowned. “I have no idea.”

Mikey murmured something extremely soft and buried against his knees.

Splinter's ears perked up and quivered slightly. “What was that, Michelangelo? How would it be your fault?”

Mikey made a “meep” sound. Donnie glanced over at him, eyes wide.

“I was just…thinking it,” Mikey shrugged. “That I missed Dad.”

“Oh,” Leo said, very very softly.

Splinter reached out to touch Michelangelo on the head. “And?”

Mikey gave a chirp that echoed as he leaned in. “I dunno. My brain was hot. Felt like lightning. Kept thinking that I hoped you got home soon.”

Humming, Splinter closed his eyes. Mikey let out a purring chirp. The others each felt a soft breeze against their skin.

“Your chi,” Splinter murmured. “It is… in flux.”

Donnie began flipping through pages and scrolling through screens. “...stands to reason that excessive neuron firing would come across as an energy fluctuation…”

As Raph muttered and Leo stepped closer, Mikey physically cringed. “I don't know if this is the attention I want.”

Leo froze, and Raph choked back a stunned laugh.

Donnie’s eyes widened and he grunted. “And there’s postictal anxiety and mood changes.”

Mikey jolted, glaring at him. “I'm not anxious!” as Donnie just coughed into his fist and raised his eye ridge.

Splinter watched as Mikey's eyes dropped to his hands, which were trembling. Dirt was caked under the nails, the knuckles were bruised, and the pulse was jumping against the thick wrist. Splinter took Michelangelo's hands in his and scrutinized them.

“You were afraid,” Splinter said firmly. “You fell. You were shaking. You clawed at the ground.”

Mikey sniffled. “Yeah.”

“Oh, Mike,” Raph sighed. 

Splinter rubbed his thumbs over Mikey's palms. “You're bruised from falling. From hitting rock and concrete. You were very confused.”

Mikey seemed to shrink in on himself.

“It is all right, my son. You are safe.” Splinter turned to Donnie. “I sense only blankness from there, as if his consciousness were severely altered.”

Donnie swallowed, looking a little pale. “Neurological events, like seizures, can definitely do that. I, uh, I should… call April.”

“I don't wanna bother April,” Mikey blurted out. Everyone stared at him.

“Something's freaking wrong as shell,” Raphael said, then glanced at Splinter.

Splinter just flicked an ear. “In such circumstances, a good curse word is appreciated.”

“Fucking hell, thank you.”

Donnie was shining a pen light in Mikey's eyes again. “I hate that your pupils are too big and too shiny. I'm worried about hallucinations.”

“Bro, it's fine,” Miley grunted. “Just put your floating brain back in your skull and listen to me.”

Donnie froze. Leo sucked in a breath.

“What…” Donnie began. “What, uh… what does my brain look like?”

Mikey frowned at the space next to Don's left shoulder. “It's got a purple bandana and it's really wrinkly.”

Donnie looked at Raph with very wide eyes. “Get him a hydration drink.”

Raph turned and bolted out to the kitchen.

“Whaaat is happening?” Mikey mumbled.

Don ran a hand down his face, looking exhausted. “I hate when I'm right about bad news.”

“Hey, your brain went back in!” Mikey booped his finger against Don's forehead. 

Donnie gently took his hand and squeezed it. “How about yours? How does your brain feel?”

Mikey frowned at him. “Oh. Uh. Like it went through a lightning storm, and it was hiding in the bathtub, and stuff was falling everywhere, and the walls were cracking, and…” He squeezed his eyes shut, shoulders tightening. “It's fine, it's fine, the fire went out.”

“The fuck does that mean?” Raph asked, coming in with a sports drink and helping Mikey drink it. Mikey accepting the help without a word increased the tension. 

Mikey just shrugged. “It's not so bad.”

“Shell, Mikey…” Donnie grasped him by the shoulders. “That's it. I'm calling April in. And Leatherhead. And maybe Angel, and maybe…”

“Nooo, that would be embarrassing,” Mikey said in a tight, oddly high pitch.

“Why?” Donnie sounded exasperated.

“I'm not weak,” Mikey whispered. Donnie's face smoothed out into a processing glitch.

“What?” Raph exploded. “Where the fuck did that come from?”

Leo automatically pressed a hand to Raph's bicep. His heart was racing and his head was pounding and he was sure Raph could tell. But Raphael relaxed slightly and shot him a hooded look full of worry.

As Splinter’s hand smoothed the back of his head, Mikey sighed and shook his head. “Sorry. I don't know…” He winced again. “My head's pounding.”

“Then you must rest,” Splinter said, gently easing him down.

The three brothers fussed in getting the youngest comfortable. As Don checked his pulse once again, Mikey furrowed his brow at Leo. “But you're okay, right, Leo? You're not depressed anymore.”

Leo dropped a hand heavily on Mikey's shoulder. “Nowhere near where you are, let's just say that.”

Raph was tucking in the orange comforter around Mikey's lower body with meticulous care, mumbling about “stupid brothers deserving love they can't see” and Leo snorted lightly, smiling at Mikey. Mikey just blinked at him sleepily, his face neutral and tired, before his eyes closed.

 

Chapter 6

Raph didn't want to move. He held his breath until Mikey's breathing evened out into sleep. Raph exhaled in an unintentional snarl.

Leo’s grip on his bicep tightened.

Donnie let out a yawn, long and loud. He blinked. 

Raph glanced over at him, seeing how Donnie's hazel eyes were wet and how they drooped. “Donnie, you should sleep too.”

Licking his beak, Donnie blinked at him, then looked at Mikey.

“You can stay,” Splinter said.

Donnie immediately dropped down into the chair nearby.

Leo let out a shaky laugh, shoulders sagging, and his vice-like grip moved from Raph's arm to Mikey's limp hand.

Splinter backed up and looked at each of them, tapping his chin.

“Do you want to bring pillows and blankets in?”

Three heads swiveled to him and he chuckled. “Raphael, you are the tallest. Come with me to the linen closet.”

Raph gave a tiny hop that warmed Splinter's heart. The brawler patted Leonardo’s shoulder, then palmed his scalp and rubbed it hard, before respectfully walking to Splinter and offering his forearm.

Splinter of course caught Leonardo's scrunched face and eye roll, Donatello’s cackle, and Raphael's proud smirk. His boys.

There was a tickle against his aura, fingers grasping, the press of a sudden wind, unsure and rash. It faded as he left the infirmary.

---

Leo's nightmare began as a memory. He was with Mikey on that mountain, helping him train for his grudge match at the Nexus. Mikey had asked if they could forfeit. Right after Leo had scolded them both - had Mikey known? That Leo had been berating himself? He must have sensed it. 

The dream shifted. The cliff crumbled under Mikey's feet and he fell back and down. Leo grabbed his hands, straining as more of the mountain began to fall apart.

“It's okay, Leo,” Mikey said. “You can let go. I'll be fine.”

“No!” Leo snarled. “I just told you, we only have each other!”

Mikey smiled. “Well, yeah, obviously. So you can let go.”

“I can't! You know I can't!”

“Leo. Listen to me.” A loud wind started up, and Mikey's voice rose above it. “You're hurting so much you can't even feel it anymore. You keep holding on to things that don't matter anymore. They'll just sink in deeper.”

“No,” Leo snapped. “Are you kidding? I spent three months with the Ancient One and - “

“It helped but it didn't go all the way down,” Mikey told him, squeezing his hands. “You had to come home early. And then everything kept happening.” Leo growled and shook his head. He was slipping.

“Let go, Leo,” Mikey pleaded, and suddenly his hands were empty, his brother was gone. Leo screamed at the top of his lungs.

Leo's eyes snapped open and he sucked in a lungful of breath. He was lying in the nest with Raph and Don, on his back. Raph was snoring lightly, on his side facing Leo. Donnie was next to Raph, curled up like a cat, facing Mikey’s bed.

Leo shivered, squeezing his eyes shut. Seconds later, a warm hand pressed on his shoulder. He blinked and looked into Raph's face.

“Bad dream?” Raph asked, voice groggy.

“Yeah,” Leo said. He wouldn't have admitted that in the past. Raph seemed to realize it too, because he smiled, his eyes bright.

“Wanna talk about it?” Raph asked.

Leo blinked. “Are you actually awake?”

 “Yup.”

“You don't usually want to talk about things like that.”

Raph shrugged. “Things changed.”

“Because of Mikey's journal?” Leo said softly.

Raph seemed to deflate, settling back down. “He's been hiding a lot.”

In the dark, they gazed at each other with their night vision. Leo took a very deep breath and tried not to show the worry in his eyes. “He always seemed to know things that the rest of us couldn't figure out.”

Raph hummed, followed by a light chuckle. “I still think about that time you was training yer ass off blindfolded and Mikey told us how damn hard you work to be responsible for all of us just so we could be free to be ourselves. Not thinking. Dreaming. Taking it easy. And then there's you, giving that up for us.”

Swallowing, Leo definitely blinked away tears. “It's not even a thought, it's just something I do.”

“Yeah, and we don't appreciate it enough.” Raph looked up at the ceiling. “What I read made me realize that.”

Leo's fingers twitched. “Whatever you read must have been… intense.”

“Yeah,” Raph murmured.

“If you two are going to whisper like kids at a slumber party,” came Donnie's voice, “we might as well go eat.”

Raph was sitting up and blinking. Leo yawned and slowly got to his feet. Donnie was in a chair at the bedside, holding Mikey’s wrist.

“He okay?” Raph asked.

“He's asleep,” Donnie said. “He obviously needs it.”

“How long were we asleep?” Leo asked.

“Ten and a half hours,” Donnie said. “It's been a long time since I've had that much consecutive sleep.”

“I will never stop being impressed by your ability to go so long without much sleep,” Leo smiled.

Donnie flushed. “Some brains are just like that.”

Raph grunted and shook his head, pointing at Don as he stood. “Nah, nah, don't pull that shit. Sleep builds neurons and brain matter and… connectivity. And all that. Even in mutants.”

Donnie stared at him with an increasing grin. “Why, Raph, you're worried about my circadian rhythm. How thoughtful!”

“Hush, you,” Raph muttered, rubbing Donnie's head. He stared down at Mikey’s sleeping face. “I would say we go make his cinnamon pancakes, but there's something he adds that makes it unique.”

“Love?” Leo suggested. His brothers both looked at him.

“That's cheesy,” Donnie said.

“Actually, it's orange extract,” came Mikey’s groggy voice. 

Donnie jumped, hands tightening on Mikey's arm. “Mikey!”

Mikey smiled wearily, shadows under and in his eyes. “Donnieee! What's up, what are we doing?” 

Leo grabbed a nearby water bottle and brought it to Mikey's mouth. “Drink slowly. You've been asleep for eleven hours.” His heart returned to its regular calm beat and his body moved before his mind did. Leo took a few more breaths to push away the anxiety crawling up his insides.

Mikey drank over half the bottle before rubbing his hands over his face. “I feel like a gravel pavement.”

“You sound like a gravel pavement,” Raph said lightly.

“Man, how much traffic ran me over?” Mikey blinked around owlishly.

“All kinds,” Donnie said, as he began to examine his sleepy little brother. “Sedans, trucks, muscle cars, carriages, horses in general.”

Mikey lit up. “And a bus?”

“And a bus.”

“Thought so.” Mikey sat patiently, although his hands kept rubbing his temples.

Donnie caught his wrists and lowered his arms. He clicked a penlight in each eye, then inhaled, frowning, before doing it again. He took a long breath and held up a finger. “Follow my finger with your eyes.” 

Mikey’s eyes jerked as they did so, and he swallowed. “I'm kinda dizzy.”

Donnie cursed out loud.

Leo stiffened completely, feeling his stomach drop. He subtly glanced over at Raph, who was scowling, his face dark.

Raph was afraid.

Leo managed to step away. “I'm getting Father.” He hurried out quickly.

Raphael whipped around and watched him go. “He's panicking.”

“He shouldn't,” Mikey mumbled. “I'm okay.”

Raph whipped around and stared at him. “Ya just said ya were dizzy after sleeping like the dead, an’ Donnie just freaked out, so pardon me if I call ya a liar.”

Mikey’s eyes bulged. “Brutal, yo. But fair.” And he groaned and dropped his head into his hands, as Leo ran back in with Splinter on his heels.

“Michelangelo…” Splinter hurried to the bed and drew Mikey's face up, cupping it in his hands. Mikey stared back with extremely dilated pupils, tears gathered in his eyes.

Splinter held him like this for several minutes. Donnie was keeping a finger on Mikey's wrist, checking his pulse. It was pounding.

Gradually, Mikey’s eyes returned, darker blue and stormy and full of confusion.

“Oh, my son,” Splinter whispered, rubbing his thumbs over Mikey’s face. “You had a seizure in your sleep.”

“I did?” Mikey blinked a few times. “No, it…I was dreaming.”

Donnie sucked in a breath. “You did, you're in another postictal state.”

Mikey looked at him, his mouth trembling. “I don't know what that means.”

“I know,” Donnie said gently. “I've been researching. It means post-seizure. It can last for hours, sometimes.”

“That's two,” Raph whispered, looking distraught. “Casey's told me stories about concussions and seizures from his old friends. It's real bad when you have more than one seizure in the same day.”

Leo's face drained of color. Donnie looked somber and resigned. 

Splinter sighed and rubbed Mikey's cheek with one paw while reaching out to Raph. “Do not fret. We do not yet know if this is a medical condition or a consequence of injury.”

Raph held onto his father's hand and squeezed it. He nodded.

“Guess I'll have to write about this in my journal,” Mikey tried to joke. Everyone stared at him. He bit his lip and looked down, gripping his blanket.

“Hey,” Donnie murmured, poking his cheek. “None of this is your fault.”

Mikey half-shrugged. “Maybe. But now it's your problem.”

“Hey!” Raph barked, making Mikey startle. “You are not a problem. We're gonna figure this out.”

Mikey blinked owlishly. “Sure, Raphie. You got it.”

Raph glowered at him. “No.” He put both hands on Mikey's shoulders, squeezing. “Don't do that. That's a cop out and you know that.”

Splinter made sure that Mikey was looking at them. “I know it hurts to remember, to feel. But we are all here to help hold your burden.”

“It's not a-” Mikey began.

“You do not have to carry it alone,” Splinter said, very firmly. “Mistakes have been made, in our past, and we are still learning from one another.”

“No more hiding,” Raph added.

Mikey looked at Leo. “Yeah.”

Leo nodded. “No more hiding.”

Donnie was already giving Mikey another quick checkup. “We all need to eat, but Mikey especially. The seizures depleted nutrients.”

“Pancakes can be nutrients,” Mikey said with a little smile.

“We can help you make pancakes,” Donnie said.

“April brought fruit in her recent delivery,” Splinter said. “We will have a good breakfast.”

“We need to tell her and Casey what happened,” Raph said. “They'll know what to do.”

“Fine,” Mikey said, “but I'm eating first. And I want bacon. And orange juice.” 

“There he is,” Leo grinned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 7

Cinnamon orange pancakes with real maple syrup from the new bodega near April's shop. Mikey's lemonade. A plate heaping with slices of orange papaya, red banana, green apple. Another plate full of maple bacon.

After Donnie had a long phone call with April - answering endless questions with variants of “I don't know yet, but we appreciate the help” - the family sat at the table and savored breakfast.

Mikey ate everything on his plate, under Splinter's gaze, and leaned back in his chair. “I'm full. Less fog and less headache.”

“Good.” Splinter nodded. His head turned to each brother, who nearly in unison took more bites.

“Good,” Splinter repeated.

As Splinter stood, Mikey’s head snapped up and he blinked, staring at the kitchen entrance.

“Michelangelo?” Splinter peered at him. “What is it that you sense?”

“Warmth,” Mikey replied easily. “Presence. People?”

Splinter nodded. “April and Casey?”

“Yeah,” Mikey said, with a look of pride.

“What is happening?” Raph asked.

“Hi, guys!” April's voice rang out.

Splinter smiled at Mikey. “Very good. We will make a note of this.”

“What?” Donnie said, puzzled.

Casey marched in, grocery bags in his arms. “FYI, April might freak out.” He looked directly at Mikey as he set the bags down. “Hell, I want to freak out. How ya doing, kid?”

Mikey looked almost shy. “Tired. Still foggy.”

“And?” Casey prompted.

Shrugging lightly, Mikey moved to head toward the counter. “Brain zappy.”

“Hey, no,” and Casey held up a hand. “You sit down. Drink your lemonade.”

Mikey obediently sat back in his chair, as the others moved to unpack.

April hurried in with a frazzled look. “Okay, I dropped off the stuff on the couch. Mikey! Oh, sweetie, let me look at you…”

Mikey was thrilled to let her fuss over him, and he basked in the attentive concern.

Raph pulled out a few bottles of electrolyte drinks. “Orange, red, blue, darker blue, and green flavors. Doin’ a theme, huh?”

Casey grinned. “Look, my cousins had their drink color preferences, I figure my little brothers do too.”

“Thanks, Casey,” Leo said, grinning. “I do like the light blue one.”

Donnie was sorting through the other grocery bags. “I do have a preference for the dark blues and some of the reds, since there's no true purple. Although, other brands have purple flavors. Ah, you got sunflower butter, thank you.”

Raph cleared his throat. “That doesn't mean you can take a jar to the lab and eat it all day and nothing else.”

Donnie scowled at him. Then he stuck his tongue out. 

Casey pointed at each. “Which one of you is older again?”

“That would be me,” Donnie grinned, lifting his chin. “But there's always room for argument.”

Raph grabbed one of the jars of sunflower butter. “Right now, I'm older.”

Donnie held onto his jar. “Look, I'll make sandwiches with it.”

Raphael gave him a long look, mouth crooking. “No wonder Mikey always goes in and bothers you.”

“Hi, I'm Mikey, I'm the family bother!” Mikey waved from his hug with April.

Leo grabbed the orange drink and brought it to Mikey. Opening it he held it you Mikey’s beak.

As April pulled away with a smirk, Mikey blinked slowly. “You're kidding, right?”

“Humor me,” Leo said, softly. 

Mikey melted. He took several sips and made sure to smack his lips. “Ahhh. Tastes like the spirit of a Halloween costume.”

“I feel like that's a reference to those Spirit Halloween stores,” April said.

Mikey held up his hand, which she met with her palm. “Those things are haunted, man.”

Leo relaxed little by little, placing the bottle on the table. He cleared his throat, and looked at April. “So. First off, thank you for grocery shopping. Second, tha-”

April barreled into him with a scoff, and Leo gladly hugged her back. She bear-hugged his shell as best she could. “You do not need to thank me, you are my family.” Her voice was thick.

Leo wrapped his arms around her and let himself be vulnerable. She patted the back of his neck.

“That's adorable,” Mikey cooed. 

April pulled away and quickly hugged Mikey from behind, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “You're adorable. How do you feel right now?”

Mikey looked down at the table, head tilted. “Tired in a way I've never been, I guess. It's hard to move my thoughts.”

April moved to sit right next to him. She peered at his face. “You have burst capillaries around your eyes. Those can happen after seizures. It's good to keep track of even the tiniest details.”

Mikey nodded solemnly. “Tiny details will be either locked in a vault or instantly forgotten.”

April pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. “We'll work with that.”

Donnie strolled over, eating a small apple. “Okay, so show me what you brought! I can probably rig it up into a mutant brain scanner soon.”

“A what?” Leo asked.

April grinned. “An old colleague got her hands on a portable brain scanning helmet and she's letting me try it out.”

Mikey’s eyes bulged. He looked at Donnie. “Wait, didn't you get tortured by the Triceratons in one of those?”

Donnie held his gaze. “Not exactly. That was alien tech. It's okay. It's not the same thing. Besides, you know I would have wanted to get my hands on one even if it was used against me.”

“Are you sure?”

Donnie gripped his shoulders gently. “Mikey, it's science. It's tools. I'm okay. I've been researching it since earlier. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

Mikey nodded. “Just tell me I'm not one of the main characters in a horror franchise and I'll be fine.”

Donnie smiled. “We are not in a horror film of any kind, we are in real life, and right now we're not dealing with aliens.”

“This is some nice creative distraction,” April said. “But you can't do it forever, Mikey.” She held up a finger. “Do not say you can. I'm wise to your ways.”

Mikey scrunched up his beak. “Yeah, okay. But I get to make corny references the whole time.”

“Of course,” April said. “By the way, I have the other Scanners movies.”

“Oooh, can we have a marathon?”

April tugged Mikey up out of the chair. “After all of this.”

“Okay, then!”

Donnie chuckled. “Ah, interest-based nervous systems.”

Mikey stuck his tongue out, and let them all lead him into the living room.

As April unzipped the bags containing the equipment, Donnie cooed happily and began reading on his laptop. “I've already read through some promising trials and I'm definitely showing this to LH later.”

“Okay,” Mikey said, “but how about we don't worry him.”

Donnie frowned. “He'll want to know.”

Mikey just shrugged, slumped on the couch, eyes bright, watching April straighten out the wires to attach to the helmet. “That's the weirdest helmet I've ever seen.”

“It's certainly interesting,” April said. 

Leonardo folded his arms and stared intently at the bizarre thing in April's hands. It looked alien. It looked like a horror film prop.

“It's beautiful,” Donatello said.

Raph barked out a laugh. “It looks like a bunch of weird blocks stuck together with wires sticking out in the shape of a bike helmet.”

“Beauty is in everything,” Donnie said firmly.

“Even in you, Raph,” Mikey smirked. Raph rolled his eyes, but his relief that Mikey made a joke was palpable.

 

 

Chapter 8

Mikey began humming lightly as the helmet was placed on his head. His feet began swinging. 

“Stay still, sweetie,” April murmured, patting his shoulders. Mikey made a responsive hum and folded his hands in his lap. 

Raph watched closely, then sat right next to Mikey and put a hand on his knee. Mikey glanced at him and smiled lightly. Donnie was furiously typing on his laptop, and at some point he had pulled out a tablet device that Raphael recognized from their time with the Utroms.

“This will link up with the helmet once I program it,” Donnie said, looking very happy. “It'll give a much clearer and more thorough set of readings than both a CT scan and MRI. I admit I wanted a good excuse to really play with it.”

“Glad to be of service,” Mikey said, in a tight voice.

“Relax, you're tensing up.” April finished her work, then squeezed his shoulders.

Raph instinctively began massaging right above Mikey's knee with his thumb. Michelangelo’s quadriceps often tightened up too much, his knee joints overcompensating. They had figured it was left over from his broken legs during the fight on Shredder's spaceship. Mikey's legs had never completely recovered, but he rarely complained. Raph decided he needed to complain more.

Leo moved into the space left by April on Mikey's other side. He did the same thing to the other leg. Mikey just glanced between them, slightly confused. 

April smiled merrily at them. “Okay, helmet is set.”

“Roger that.” Donnie began typing on his laptop and glancing at the Utrom tablet. “Okay. I'm already getting a full - whoa.” 

“What?” April walked over.

Donnie grinned. “There's the ADHD, at least.”

“No way, you can see the - oh! That's very colorful!”

“Yo, lemme see!” Casey made his way over.

Leo and Raph remained where they were, each watching Mikey's face. Master Splinter stood just off to the side, one ear toward Michelangelo.

Mikey was staring at Donnie but in a distant way, as the scientists murmured to one another. Casey was looking at the tablet.

After a few minutes, Casey pointed at the tablet. “Is that supposed to happen?”

Mikey’s hands twitched.

The whole group went on alert. Splinter stepped closer. Raph and Leo both looked carefully at Mikey.

“The scanner is translating the burst as a memory,” Donnie said, brows knit.

“It's…it's fine,” Mikey said through clenched teeth. 

Splinter shook his head, then reached out and took Mike's hands. “It is not fine, Michelangelo. Please tell us what is happening in your mind.”

Mikey sighed. He smiled slightly. “Something tripped me.”

Donnie became fascinated with whatever he saw on the tablet. “I'm deeply intrigued by the synaptic plasticity. This is amazing. Mikey, go slow and try not to stress yourself.”

“Dude, I don't get stressed!” Mikey quipped. The silence that followed had him rolling his eyes. “Okay. Okay. Something stopped the skateboard and I went flying, and I landed in a bunch of mushrooms.”

“Mushrooms?” Raph repeatedly dumbly.

Mikey snorted. “Yeah, man. Mushrooms.”

April, pulling out her own laptop, settled on the floor. “Okay. Do you remember what they looked like?”

“Brown,” Mikey said. “Like… chestnut. Tiny clusters, too. Some were wavy.”

April froze in her typing. “You mean… Psilocybe?”

Casey gasped. “Magic mushrooms?”

Splinter tightened his grip. “Michelangelo, what happened? Were you struck by the spores?”

Mikey was quiet, cringing slightly.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Raph growled. He grabbed Mikey's chin and turned his face to stare into his eyes. “The fu- Mike, why didn't you say anything when you came home?”

“I was kinda out of it,” Mikey said. “And I didn't think it mattered. It was just mushrooms.”

Donnie was suddenly in Mikey's face. “Is that why I found purple powder sinking into the skin around your eyes and mouth? Mikey, were you hallucinating that whole time?”

Mikey shook his head carefully. “Not until I fell asleep. Unless… I guess when we were in the kitchen, things started getting brighter and weirder. I just went with it.” 

Raphael stared into his eyes, facial muscles tightening slightly. “You… never said anything.”

Leo sat there, feeling helpless, his hand frozen on Mikey's knee. He glanced at Master Splinter, who stood stiffly.

Donnie quickly removed the helmet while April made sure to save the session. “I can't keep going with this until we talk,” Donnie said tightly. His jaw was clenched, his movements were sharp and precise.

Mikey swallowed. “Look, I didn't wanna draw attention to it. It was - I was dumb, I made a dumb mistake, they got in my mouth and I ate them, I didn't think it was so bad-”

Leonardo just threw both arms around Mikey sideways, as Raph cupped his cheeks and churred very softly.

“Mikey, I am so sorry,” Leo murmured, mashing his face against Mikey's shoulder.

“Why?” Mikey let out a whine. “I'm the one who fucked up.”

“You really feel that way?” Raph whispered, tears shining in his eyes. “Why didn't I know?”

“Stop that.” Mikey grit his teeth. “It's not your fault.”

Donnie was looking at Michelangelo like a new specimen. He knelt and looked even more closely at Mikey's legs. “Do you know what tripped you?”

“Vines, I think.” Mikey squeezed his eyes shut. “My head hurts.”

“Did he say vines?” Casey asked. “Like plants?”

“I think they were alive,” Mikey said between clenched teeth. Splinter quickly pressed nimble fingers to his temples, long nose gently nuzzling Mikey's beak, the way he would when they were younger.

“Breathe slowly, my son,” the rat murmured. “Your energy is overheated and overactive.”

“Isn't it always?” Mikey tried to joke. Splinter merely hummed, pressing certain points on his head while lightly massaging others.

Mikey’s hands grasped for his brothers. Raph and Leo held on, while Donnie kept palpating.

“I let you sleep undisturbed for eleven hours,” the purple-banded turtle muttered. “I missed the powder on your skin, Mikey. I missed you having an obvious psychedelic hallucination. It won't happen again, I promise.”

Mikey gaped at him. 

“Donnie,” Raph ground out, “you better not be putting yourself down.”

“I'm not.” Donnie's voice was flat and cool. “I'm stating facts. Mikey didn't just fall. Something attacked him.”

“I'm trying to remember,” Mikey groaned.

Leo tightened his hug. “We know. Just take your time.”

Splinter sighed, then turned slightly, resting a hand on Donnie's head while keeping the other on Mikey's. “You are doing your best, Donatello. Even great doctors and scientists make mistakes like this. You know that.”

“Again. Stating facts,” Donnie said flatly.

“We know you,” Raph said simply.

“You're putting part of yourself away,” Leo said. “Apparently it runs in the family.”

“Oh, haha,” Mikey smiled. He winced again. “My head hurts.”

“Everyone give him some room, please,” Splinter said. They scooched away just enough, Donnie still within arm's reach and glaring coldly.

“So,” April said, writing on her laptop, “what do we have? Potentially sentient psilocybe mushrooms and plants?”

Mikey frowned at Donnie. “You're not at me, are you?”

“No, of course not,” Donnie sighed. “Only at the situation.”

“I'm sorry I forgot what happened, Dee.”

“Mikey, it's not your fault.” Donnie gave him a small, sad smile. “None of the pain is your fault.”

“He's right, you know,” April said, standing shoulder to shoulder with Casey, arms folded.

“Blame the weirdo plants,” Casey grunted.

“Fungi,” Donnie corrected.

Casey shrugged. “Don't sound fun to me.”

Mikey snorted. “Good one, dude.”

“At least you have your sense of humor,” Raph said.

 

Chapter 9

A soft voice in the back of Mikey's mind insisted he didn't want to be here. He didn't want to remember. He didn't want to keep upsetting his family. A sharp voice in the back of his mind countered that it was now or never, before something happened again.

Yet another voice, high and light, told him to make more jokes about it to ease the tension.

His hands tightened as his head throbbed even louder. He shut his eyes and focused on the warmth of Splinter’s hands. 

Images hit him as if his brain had become a screen, and he gasped, shoulders tensing, calls of his name becoming muffled. He was above the city, watching it move, feeling a pulse of energy like a heartbeat. Times Square glittered, Broadway lit up like fireflies, Central Park hummed with millions of voices.

Electricity crackled along the top of his head, spilling down his body, lines of energy glowing against his skin. He noticed his old chi marks, from the Ninja Tribunal adventure. They felt almost like they belonged there. Etched under his skin. They had always been there. When had he called up this power? How?

You know how, one of the voices in his head whispered. You remember.

Another image came into view, a film of his memory, his encounter with the bizarre plant life, the mushrooms-

“The drug cracked me open,” he murmured. A bolt of pain seared through the top of his head and he cried out, his voice suddenly too loud, shattering the images.

Mikey blinked, realizing he was shivering.

“Michelangelo?” 

As the haze cleared, he looked right into his father's face. The kind eyes were full of worry.

There was a burst of noise and movement. A flash of purple against green.

“Is he awake? I need to - thank you, Dad… Mikey, can you hear me? Can you see us?”

A tap on his face made him blink again. Now it was Donnie staring at him with raw worry.

As his senses finally cleared, Mikey smiled. “I'm okay, Dee, I can hear and see you.” It was too much sound and sight. Everything felt too bright. Like being high on weed, he decided, but much more intense. His vision seemed better. His hearing. His body thrummed.

Donnie was looking him over, and that was fine. Mikey knew he needed to be accurate.

Then Leo began looking him over, eagle eyes wide and naked with fear. Mikey swallowed and turned his head slightly to meet his gaze. Leo froze, staring.

“What?” Mikey tried to smile. “I got something on my face?”

“Your pupils are extremely dilated,” Leo said. “Your eyes are glassy. Your pulse has gone up, and along with the shaking, your muscles kept spasming.”

Biting his lip, Mikey slid his eyes to Donnie, who looked unreadable, then Raph, who looked ready to hug him or pick him up and carry him somewhere.

“Not just that,” Leo continued. “For a couple of minutes, you… dropped off. Your mind. You went inward. I felt it. You disconnected.”

“I felt it, too,” Splinter said, once again taking Mikey’s hands.

“Seizure,” Donnie said tightly.

“No,” Mikey said quickly, frightened.

“Yes,” came April's voice. “Do you remember anything?”

Mikey took a breath. “I was… I was floating over the city. I could see everything. I had my chi markings.”

“What the hell?” Raph murmured. 

“Did you… astral project?” Leo asked softly. “Is that why it felt like I couldn't feel your spirit?”

“Maybe,” he said, already tired. “They drugged me good.” And he giggled.

Casey sucked in air through his teeth. “What if he's still tripping?”

Raph stared at him. “What…what does that mean?”

Casey glanced at April, then scratched his scalp nervously. “W-Well, I've seen friends on psychedelic drugs. Magic mushrooms, LSD. The trips can go for at least twelve hours. But what if the magic mushrooms growing in the sewer were mutant mushrooms so we don't really know how long this will last?”

Everyone was staring at Casey now. Leo and Donnie were gaping with open mouths.

“What?” Casey flushed and cleared his throat. “I'm street smart. I've seen things.”

Leo nodded slowly. “Okay. Okay, that's a smart question.”

“But I'm not tripping,” Mikey said, then frowned as his voice echoed inside his own head. A tingle ran through him, stronger than the weed. He breathed deeply.

“Mikey, look up,” Donnie said, so he did. He was met with the penlight. He didn't blink.

“Still dilated and glassy,” Leo said.

“That's a long trip,” Casey said. 

“I'm right here,” Mikey said, although it sounded distant. 

“Not that kind of trip, honey,” and April was smiling in front of him, “a mental one.”

“I…I knew that,” he tried to joke. It came out shaky. A shadow seemed to press in from his peripheral sight, so he squeezed his eyes shut. He felt Splinter squeeze his hands.

“I think I remember something,” he blurted out. Color burst behind his eyes, forming images. He didn't know if he was talking or thinking.

The skateboard had caught on something unexpected and he had spun through the air uncontrollably. He had landed on his upper carapace, the back of his head bouncing enough to make his neck hurt. 

When he regained his senses, he found himself sprawled on soft soil, staring at a ceiling covered in glowing purple crystals. The walls, too. The crystals were smooth, polished, and the spaces between were covered in dark purple powder. His head was pounding, his neck was stiff, and a strange humming made his skin tingle. He struggled to sit up. The humming increased until it filled his ears. 

Something was creeping toward him, a tendril or a vine, snaking across his legs and weighing him down. He yelled instinctively, weakly lifting his head to scowl. Another vine rose up and the tip bloomed, and he realized that there were tiny white flowers dotted along it. Except this wasn't a flower. It looked like a fungus.

A mushroom, he realized. A brown and white mushroom that pulsed at him. It looked like something out of a science fiction horror movie.

“I don't think you're supposed to exist,” he managed, and his mouth felt dry. The mushroom moved above his head and seemed to stare down at him.

“Uh… hi?” he tried.

In a blink, delicate purple spores sprinkled down over his face, into his eyes and mouth and nostrils. It tasted salty. He coughed, turning his head, blinking hard as his vision blurred, then whited out, then slammed back full of color. The brown mushrooms were growing out of the ground around him and he hadn't noticed.

“No,” he whispered. “What - whatever you're gonna do, please don't. I think I saw this movie already.”

The mushrooms rippled as if from a breeze. The mushroom above his head seemed to consider him, tilting as if listening. Tinier mushrooms sprouted under it and a few dropped into his open mouth and Mikey felt his own mouth start to chew and swallow without his permission. He spit and gagged and struggled to get up. This was not okay, this was a crazy violation, this wasn't happening -

Mikey’s torso jackknifed up and his core muscles strained. He felt his limbs suddenly tense up, and he used his own body weight to scramble to his hands and knees, kicking away at the vines - were they vines? - as he grabbed at the fresh dirt. 

Somehow, he managed to stagger up, and he screamed, and the humming in his head turned into a scream, and his senses overloaded. He felt numb yet hot, his fingertips were tingling, he could hardly hear or see over the sensation of his brain squeezing and releasing, sending waves of electricity crashing into each other, and he could feel something yanking him forward. So he ran. He forgot his skateboard. He ran, and he felt himself shivering, and he fell hard, pain striking his lower legs, pain in his hands as he caught himself harshly. His own frantic panting filled his head. His head was burning. His brain was on fire. He saw his hands begin to tremble violently. He watched his skin light up with orange circles, felt the electric burn coursing down his spine. His vision whited out again.

...

“And then I got home,” Mikey murmured out loud. His throat felt dry, and he licked his lips with a dry tongue.

Silence greeted him. He lifted his head, blinking. Everyone was staring at him in horror and worry. He couldn't remember the last time that happened. Master Splinter was massaging his hands.

His hands were shaking.

“You-” Raph began roughly. He swallowed. “You just walked home? Like that? When I saw you, you…” He took a long breath, looking furious. “Holy shell. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.”

“...what?” Mikey tilted his head. “I got home, didn't I?”

Raph's golden eyes widened and the pupils dilated before shrinking. “You don't even… Mikey, do you realize how bad this is?”

“Kind of,” he said, frowning. “It isn't so bad now, right?”

Raph let out a heavy snort, then ran a hand over his face. “Why are you so weird…”

Mikey noticed that neither Leo or Don had said anything. Leonardo looked scared. Donatello was stone faced. Mikey decided he hated it.

 

 

Chapter 10

“Stalks,” Casey blurted out. “The mushroom stalks grabbed him. So, like, zombie mushrooms?”

“No,” Mikey said slowly. “Not zombie. Too aware. Like they were studying me.”

“Okay,” Casey said, eyes bright. “Okay. Then, uh… parasites?”

Mikey froze, eyes widening. Raphael threw a glare at Casey.

“I think so,” Mikey said.

Casey blinked. 

“Nah,” Raph scoffed.

“I feel them.” Mikey took a long breath. “They're in my head.”

Splinter held his hands even more tightly. “Please explain, my son.”

Taking a deep breath, Mikey squeezed back. “It's like humming. It doesn't stop. They're… like… zapping my brain. I didn't wanna say anything because I thought it would stop.” 

Donnie froze. “You didn't - you-” Sighing deeply, he pinched the skin between his eyes. “Right. We're still learning to open up.” He glanced up at April. “I think I understand what we were looking at in the scan. The mushrooms have already caused hallucinations and fluctuations in his neurotransmitters. He's essentially still going through that.”

April nodded, pressing the tips of her fingers to her lips. “I can see that.”

“That's a really long trip,” Casey said.

“What does that mean?” Leo demanded.”What does that mean? He's been hallucinating for half a day? That can't be healthy.”

Splinter suddenly grabbed Leo's hand. “Breathe, Leonardo. You sound panicked.”

“No I don't,” Leo squeaked.

“Yeah you do,” Raph, Mikey, and Donnie intoned all at once.

“Jinx,” Mikey murmured with a smile.

Leo's shoulders dropped immediately. “Fine. Okay. But it's a completely valid question.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Donnie patted his shoulder, squeezing briefly. “But I need to do more research. April and I don't want to give answers we can't back up. None of us here are medical doctors. And the mind is complex enough.”

Leo stared at him. “Don't I know it. I remember those days in Japan, fighting myself.”

“And you succeeded, at least a little,” Donnie gave an encouraging smile. “When you came home, I noticed you still had PTSD but so many things happened and I suppose I couldn't find the opportunity to really look into it, like I should have.”

“Don't you dare put blame on yourself there,” Raph interrupted. “Any of you.”

“Okay,” Leo said, “but I cut my studies short and that's on me.”

“The Ancient One told you we were in danger,” Raph said. “You had every right to decide to come back. And we're real glad ya did.”

“Besides,” and Donnie squeezed Leo's shoulder again, “everything that's happened has been worth it. Look where we are.”

Leo smiled gratefully and they bumped foreheads.

Mikey burst into tears.

Leo, Don, and Raph scrambled to wrap their arms around him. Splinter fluidly pulled away and stood, observant.

“Sorry,” Mikey mumbled. “I love you guys.”

“Love you too,” Leo said, nuzzling his cheek.

Donnie let out a shaky sigh. He rested his forehead against Mikey's shoulder. “Love you, brothers.”

Raph had his arms around Mikey and Donnie, squeezing them as much as he could. He just closed his eyes and rested his chin on Mikey's head.

Casey tilted his head, grinning. “That's really cute.”

Not missing a beat, Raph lifted one finger vertically at Casey, causing Casey to laugh.

Mikey chirped and churred loudly. Both Casey and April startled, staring.

“Was that like a purr?” Casey asked.

“Somewhat,” Splinter chuckled. “They call it churring.”

“Sounds both feline and reptilian,” April said, grinning widely.

“Are you teasing us?” came Mikey's muffled voice.

“No, honey, not at all,” April said. “I think it's fascinating. All this time and we're still learning things about you guys.”

Mikey churred again, with an even softer low chirp at the end.

“Hey, don't be embarrassed,” Raph told him. “She just said it's cool.”

“It is cool,” Casey assured, pumping his fists. “It's awesome, man! It's like a whole language.”

“Yes,” Splinter smiled. “I have learned to translate some, especially the noises closer to mammal sounds. But the boys have a unique language that they use in certain circumstances.”

“Then, we're honored to hear it,” April said.

“Now,” Donnie murmured, standing. “Back to Mikey’s hallucinations. That have gone on for twelve hours. It's been long enough that there's probably been some. Uh. Changes. In mental processes. Sensations, perceptions.” He grabbed his tablet from the table. “Mikey, can you talk a bit more?”

“Yeah,” Mikey said. “They're really quiet right now.”

Leo stared at him. “They?”

Mikey glanced at him. “The, uh. The humming voices.”

“Humming voices? There's voices in your mind?” Leo's voice tensed again.

“It's not that bad,” Mikey said, offering a tiny smile. “I think they're friendly.”

“That doesn't fill me with confidence,” Leo said.

“You're already filled with enough confidence,” Mikey said teasingly. That made Leo snort and smirk. Raph patted his head.

Donnie cleared his throat politely, tapping his tablet's screen.

“There was this wall,” Mikey said hesitantly. “There were purple and pink crystals covering it. Growing, maybe? Everything was pulsing. It looked like there were vines or roots or tendrils or something. It started to feel like they were arms reaching for me…”

When he paused for too long, Donnie stopped typing and looked up. “Keep going.”

Mikey shook his head. “Yeah, uh. There was flashing…like strobe lights. They were all I could see. And then my head started pounding. And there was pressure. I think I was being covered in…something.”

“Something,” Leo said flatly. 

“Like…” Mikey’s foot began tapping. “Like a goop. I swallowed some of it. There was, uh, there was a purple powder? It went in my eyes. It made my eyes watery and tired. And then I saw things.”

“What kinda things?” Casey was leaning forward, eyes wide.

“... probably need the eyewash station…” Donnie mumbled.

“Just…shadows. I think they looked like people.” Mikey clenched and unclenched his fists. “Their eyes were glowing pink.”

“Horror movie stuff,” Casey whispered.

“I hate being in real life horror movies,” Mikey sighed.

“Same,” Raph rumbled.

“I thought they were people who were gonna take me away, so I tried fighting. And I couldn't move.”

When he paused, Leo nudged his head with his own.

“And everything went white,” Mikey continued slowly. “I couldn't feel anything. And then I was home. I think I woke up right as I walked into the lair.”

“And then you found me in your room,” Raph exhaled, “reading your journal.”

“It's fine,” Mikey tried to smile. “It's kinda blurry.”

“That's not great,” April said softly. Then she peered at him. “You're shaking, Mikey.”

Mikey managed a shaky smile. “It's all good. I'm just tired.” His eyes closed, head falling.

“That's bad,” Donnie shouted, jumping to his feet. 

The convulsions began and all the family could do was watch.

 

 

Notes:

Feel free to add suggestions and offer thoughts, because I genuinely am making this up as I go along.

Mikey will slowly develop his empathic intuition and it's gonna come in handy. Agent Bishop will probably show up because I love him. There will be some violence and agony.