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The first person Smith comes out to (who hasn’t known him his whole life) is his randomly-assigned roommate. The guy, Oliver, pulls a pride flag out of his suitcase and asks if Smith is gonna be weird about it, to which Smith had says, all in a rush, “no, no, I’m actually, uh, queer.”
“Oh,” Oliver glances around the room, no doubt taking in the letterman jacket and the football gear like it is going to suddenly shift into something more clearly gay. “Cool.”
Oliver is super chill about being gay and expects everyone else to be chill too, and he’s been out longer than Smith has. Smith decides to follow his lead. When he comes out to the team he’s going to be chill about it, something nice and casual, because it’s not a big deal and he’s not going to make it a big deal.
This is his first mistake.
***
Just because Smith has decided to be super chill doesn’t mean he feels super chill. He is, in fact, mildly terrified, because he spent most of his formative years being worried about what people think about him. Most of his friends at Willowgrove accepted him without hesitation, sure, but there’s still the voice in the back of his head telling him to keep quiet about being gay. Especially here.
Rory assures him everything will be fine, and he loves Rory but Rory knows nothing about the dynamics of a football team, especially as a freshman. But it’s the third week of practice, and most of the guys on his team seem cool, and he promised himself he’d be honest.
He decides that he’s going to at least mention being queer today. He’s not going to make a big thing about it so no one else has to make a big thing about it, and hopefully everything else will work out.
It’s a lot harder than he thinks. First, finding a natural segue to ‘hi, I like guys’ is harder than expected, and he’s not having a lot of any sort of conversation. When practice ends, he’s bone tired and lays down on a bench in the locker room with an arm over his face.
The locker room is half-empty by the time he realizes he hasn’t done it. “I’m gay.” He says, experimentally. No one hears it, because there’s no one around.
It feels like a victory anyway.
***
The second time he tries to come out to the team is entirely an accident. They’re waiting in the locker room after practice and Smith is checking his phone. He’s gotten three texts from Shara and two from Rory.
He looks over the messages from Shara without opening them and it doesn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary. She’s probably not trying anything crazy which means whatever she wants to talk about can wait, so he opens Rory’s first.
> going to a gig in houston nxt month
> visit?
He asks Rory for the date and gets a response seconds later.
weve got a game sat
> ill go to yours if you go to mine
idk
im only into cool bands
> i think i can convince you
Smith doesn’t even realize he’s smiling at his phone as he reads it.
Wright, who’s a decent running back but otherwise terrible, notices. “Who’re you texting, Parker? Your boyfriend?”
“Yeah,” Smith says without looking up. It takes him a second to even process what Wright had said, much less that Wright has stopped saying anything and is now staring at him. “What?”
“It’s uh. Just…” Wright trails off.
Hollis speaks up then. “That’s right, go shove your homophobia somewhere else.” This seems to stir Wright out of whatever he was thinking enough that he can flip Hollis off and walk away. “Nice one, Parker. Keep ‘em on their toes.”
“I wasn’t trying to…” Smith starts, only his phone buzzes with a picture of Rory on a dimly lit stage, back lit so it seems like he’s glowing, and he loses his train of thought.
***
They win their first game against UCLA 45-44. It’s a freshman kicker, McKinney, who scores the tie-breaker point.
“Alright Aggies!” The captain, Haynes, yells over the sounds of the locker room. “It’s a freshman win, which means?”
“Fresh Night!” comes a chorus of yells from most of the older players.
Smith leans over to Hollis. “What does that mean?”
“Just how we celebrate when freshmen score the final point,” Hollis explains. “The party’s dedicated to you tonight. Special treatment.”
“Should I be worried?”
Hollis smacks him on the shoulder. “Nah, man. We’ll just put you on the kegstand first and send pretty girls your way.”
“No girls,” Smith says. He thinks for a second, then corrects. “Well, yes, girls, but not… actively.”
Hollis smiles. “You’re spoken for, huh?”
“Yeah, I am.”
In the moment, it doesn’t seem misleading. He doesn’t even think he’s being vague, just chill. He’s met with a chorus of supportive ‘ey!’s and back pats and no one asks him any follow up questions. No one tries to set him up throughout the night, either, which was the desired result.
When Haynes invites him to the “ags with girlfriends” group chat he really, really wishes someone had asked him a follow-up question.
His “i have a boyfriend, actually” message apparently gets buried in a conversation about which girl McKinney went home with (Haynes has been trying to set him up. They’re cousins, apparently) because no one acknowledges it directly.
Smith just changes the name to “ags with partners” and calls it a lost cause.
***
Smith starts to think that coming out is less of an event and more of a long, slow, grueling process of getting people to notice him.
He tells Oliver as much one night, who makes a face and says, “Dude, you have got to meet more queer people.”
“I’m trying.”
“No, you’re not,” Oliver says. He sounds a little bitter. “You spend all your time at practice, or the library, or on the phone.”
“I’m busy!”
Oliver rolls his eyes. “There’s a coffee talk at the Pride Center on Wednesday. You’re coming with me.”
That’s how he ends up in a room full of queer people on Wednesday night, having a conversation about a biochemistry class that Oliver and his friend Tay are in. He knows next to nothing about bio, but it’s nice still.
Everyone here assumes he’s here because he’s gay. It definitely helps that he left the letterman jacket at home and he casually mentions his boyfriend a few times. It’s pretty great, actually, to be acknowledged so clearly and without fanfare.
On their way out, Smith sees Hollis walking past. Perfect, he thinks. Misinterpret this one.
“Hey, Hollis!” he yells from where he’s holding open the door.
“Parker!” Hollis starts running over. “What’s up, man?”
“Came by for the coffee hour. You?”
“I write for the Battalion, I just had to turn some stuff in tonight.” Hollis looks up and acknowledges the “LGBT Pride Center” sign above them. “So, are you-”
Before he can finish, Oliver walks out. “You ready?” He says to Smith, before he sees Hollis and freezes.
Smith, luckily, has become adept at covering up awkward pauses. “This is my roommate.”
Hollis nods. “Oliver, right? You’re in Bio 302 with Dr. Herrera?”
Oliver smiles and a slight blush appears on his face. “Yeah, Oliver. I’m, uh,” he points a thumb at the pride flag behind them. “Gay.”
Hollis laughs. “Cool, man.” He pats Oliver on the shoulder. Oliver turns redder. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Oliver laughs and rubs his neck as Hollis runs off.
The instant Hollis is out of sight, Smith turns on Oliver. “You’re not chill at all!” Smith says accusingly.
The blush on Oliver’s face deepens. “What are you talking about, he’s just in one of my seminar classes.”
“Not about-” Smith stops short. “Do you have a crush on Hollis?” Oliver looks away from him and Smith shakes his head. “We can come back to that. You’re not chill.”
“What do you mean?”
“Coming out! I thought you were cool, let other people figure it out, but you just… out with it!”
“I’m confused. What’s the problem?”
“I’ve been trying to come out to the team for a month! It just keeps not working.” Smith gestures to the world at large like it’s done something to affront him. It has, he’s pretty sure. “I thought it wasn’t cool to just tell people you’re gay right out.”
“Dude, sometimes you just gotta come out and say it. Especially with jock-types,” Oliver gives Smith an apologetic glance. “No offense.”
“None taken.” Smith takes a moment to stare into a dark window and think. “Hollis, though?”
***
Smith ends up volunteering to man one of the Pride Center’s booths outside the student center. It’s pretty fun because he gets to hang out with Tay and a few other people without feeling like he’s just Oliver’s plus-one. He’s also hoping that one of his teammates will come and finally put the fucking pieces together.
Oliver apparently told Tay his whole sad coming-out saga, because he hasn’t been there for five minutes before they slide up to him and say, “we can help you troubleshoot.”
“What?”
“You know, how to make people see you as queer.”
Smith gestures to his face, which is sporting a not-insignificant amount of makeup, and the pride pin attached to his jean jacket. “I’m not trying to hide it.”
“Men are dumb, they probably just think you have nice eyelashes. If they think about it at all,” Tay pushes his hand down. “Did you ever just… tell them?”
Smith stares at them. “What, like, ‘Hey guys, I’m bisexual.’ I don’t want to make it an announcement. ”
“Why not? I do.”
“It’s different, you like the attention.”
“It’s true,” Tay pretends to throw their hair over their shoulder, even though their actual hair is shaved close to their head. “Seriously, though, you should just do it.”
“I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
“But it’s a big deal to you, right?”
“Right,” Smith sighs.
“It doesn’t have to be all at once, and if you’re scared you don’t have to do it at all. But if you want people to know you’re queer, tell ‘em.” Tay looks over Smith’s shoulder. “Oh, here’s your first chance!”
They spin him around to see McKinney coming toward the booth.
“Hey, Parker!” McKinney says. He pulls one headphone out as he gets to the booth. “What are you doing?”
Smith looks over at Tay, who nods encouragingly. “We’re giving out some information about the Pride center. Events, services, stuff like that.”
“And condoms, sick,” McKinney says as he pockets a few. “You volunteer here a lot?”
“Just started, actually.”
“Right, ‘cuz of your roommate.” McKinney says. “Hollis mentioned something like that.”
Which, no, Smith is not just a supportive ally. “Actually, I’m--”
An alarm goes off. McKinney looks at his phone and curses. “Shit, man, I’m late for class. I’ll catch you at practice, okay?” And he’s gone before Smith can say anything.
“I’m bisexual!” Smith yells. A few people look at him, but McKinney already has his headphones back in.
When he looks at them, Tay is clearly trying not to laugh. “Okay, that was not your fault.”
“Do you see what I’m saying!”
***
“Idiots, every last one,” Smith says in lieu of a greeting when Rory answers the phone.
“Hi, babe, I miss you too,” Rory responds. “Who’s an idiot?”
“My team,” Smith leans his head against the wall by his desk.
“That doesn’t surprise me, you know, because of all the brain damage.”
“Will you shut up about that, I know.”
“You chose a risky sport, babe, and I’m gonna be pissed if I have to spend our later years wiping your face because you got too many concussions.”
Smith slips right past the implicit ‘we’re gonna grow old together’ and the way it flutters in his chest. “They think I’m straight.”
Rory doesn’t answer for a second. “Did you tell them?”
“Yes! Like ten times now!”
Rory doesn’t start laughing, but the edge of it creeps into his voice. “That post-concussive syndrome is no joke.”
“It’s not funny!”
“It’s a little funny.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“I’ll be there in a week, just introduce me as your boyfriend.”
“Honestly, not sure that would do it at this point.”
“You really fucked this one up, didn’t you?”
“Don’t start.”
***
Shara ends up deciding to join Rory last-minute. The whole gap-year she’s been going on has been good for her so far, and she seems like a much more calm version of herself. More assured.
“Less crazy,” Shara explains. “I feel a lot less crazy.”
“I wasn’t going to say it,” Smith says as they get ready to head to Rory’s gig. It’s an hour and a half from his dorm but he doesn’t have a car, so Shara drove up to grab him while Rory set up. It’s nice, having time with just her, and not nearly as weird as he’d worried it might be.
He sits back and admires the work he’s done on his face before turning to Shara. “What do you think?”
Shara whistles. “You’re getting good with that eyeliner.” She holds up a pallet in her hand. “Can I do your glitter?”
Smith nods and leans back to let her. It should feel awkward, maybe, with her face that close to his. It should remind him of when they were together. Instead, it just feels nice, like this is what they were always supposed to be to each other.
“Perfect,” she says when she leans back. He looks in the mirror and has to agree.
He turns to Oliver, who has been reading something on his bed. “Last chance to come.”
“No thanks,” he says. “You two have fun, I’m gonna throw a rager while you’re out tonight.”
“He’s joking,” Smith tells Shara. “He probably won’t move until he finishes the book or passes out.”
Oliver flips him off and returns to the book.
Shara picks out his clothes - a loose-fitting floral shirt and dark jeans - and he lets her, because he loves her and because she wants to but mostly because he knows she has good taste.
They see McKinney getting out of the shower on the way to the door. “Hey, man,” he says, then stops when he gets a look at Smith. “You look… fancy.”
Smith laughs because he’s not really sure what else to do. “Thanks. Shara helped me get ready.” He nods over at her. It’s not a lie. It’s not the whole truth, either, but it’s 6:15 on a Wednesday and McKinney is only wearing a bathrobe.
“Cool. This your girlfriend?”
Shara snorts. Smith considers running. “No.”
“Ex-girlfriend,” Shara says, holding out a hand to shake. “Current lesbian.”
McKinney sputters as he takes her hand. “Oh, uh. Neat.” Then he runs into the bathroom.
“Smooth, Shara.”
She laughs. “Come on, we’re gonna be late.”
***
They’re down ten points at the end of the third quarter. He looks at the stands while he refills his water, where Rory, Shara, and Oliver are all watching him. He waves, and they wave back.
Hollis comes up to him and nods toward the group. “That your girlfriend?”
“Nope. But the guy next to her?” Smith gestures to Rory. “He’s my boyfriend.”
“Oh,” Hollis looks at him with a dawning realization. “Oh. Sorry, dude, I’ve been like, really stupid.”
Smith laughs. “Yeah. You and everyone else.”
“Want me to tell the rest of the guys?”
Smith looks around the field. “No. I’ll handle it.”
Hollis gives him a pat on the back, hard enough he can feel it through the pads. “Let me know, okay? If you want help, if anyone gives you shit. Anything. You’re one of us, you know?”
Smith nods. Coach blows the whistle before he gets the chance to say anything else.
They manage to tie up the game by the end of the quarter and send the whole thing into overtime. It’s Hayes who scores the final touchdown, but Smith knows he’ll be lauded for a, frankly, beautiful assist.
The team and the field all erupt into cheers. Students jump the railing and swarm the field en masse. Smith can see Shara convincing Oliver to jump with her, but Rory is already over.
Smith gravitates toward Rory in the crowd without even thinking about it. He rips off his helmet. He’s still breathing hard, but he’s smiling as wide as he’s ever smiled. The moment is as perfect as it could get; he’s just won and his boyfriend is right there in front of him.
Some of the team definitely still don’t know, but that’s not Smith’s fault, not at this point, so he just grabs Rory’s jacket and pulls him into a kiss.
“Oh,” someone says from behind them. “He’s like, gay gay.”
Rory starts laughing. Smith leans his forehead on Rory’s shoulder and thinks, yeah, perfect.