Chapter Text
That day sounded different.
Hoseok was drying his hair with a towel while pouring himself a cup of the coffee he had just made. He was humming a song that was circulating in his apartment at a low volume due to the time of day. He had just returned from the gym, had spent more time working out than usual, since he woke up this morning he had felt a restlessness, he couldn't tell what was going on, but he was still agitated and not even spending that energy on exercises helped.
In half an hour he should be in his studio, he had a client scheduled for 8 am. He finished his breakfast, which consisted of a huge cup of coffee and a bowl of various fruits with oatmeal, and headed out to the parking lot to mount his motorcycle for his first day of work this week.
The weather was favorable, sunny but not hot, a refreshing breeze touched his body as he rode. That was one of Hoseok's favorite climates, during autumn, the sky without any clouds, the sun shone proudly, but the temperature did not make him sweat through every pore in his body. He smiled broadly from behind his helmet, it being the first time since he woke up that he felt good. Maybe it was nothing, and that strange feeling left.
It didn't left.
All day long that feeling had been with him, and Hoseok was already getting angry. Nothing had happened, his work for the day had been completed perfectly, the smiles of his clients when they saw the art on their bodies said so. He had lunch with Jimin, who was his good friend and partner in the studio. Everything was going well, so he couldn't say why he was so restless.
When punched 4:30 on the clock, Yeonjun, the reception clerk, entered his office.
- Hobi-hyung, there is a man at the reception desk who wants to see you, and since he didn't make an appointment before, i thought i'd ask if it's okay to let him in.
- Does he know me? - He turned in his swivel chair at the table where he was drawing some pictures and looked at Yeonjun.
- I don't think so, but he seemed to know your work since he specifically asked to be seen by you.
- Hmm... Okay, i don't have anything else scheduled for today anyway, can you bring him here, please Yeonjun.
- Okay hyung. - The boy turned and left the room.
A minute later Hoseok heard a knock on the door.
- You may come in. - He had his back to the door while saving the drawing he was working on. - Yeonjun said that you asked to be taken care of by me, you know my work-
Hoseok did not finish his speech, after turning to look at the person in the room.
It couldn't be.
It had to be a mirage.
The man standing in the doorway of his office definitely could not be Jungkook.
Jeon Jungkook. His ex-boyfriend.
Hoseok couldn't hear anything else, his breathing caught in his throat and the world seemed to have stopped turning, and at that moment only one thing was on Hoseok's mind. Of all things.
Jungkook's tear-wet face when Hoseok ended their relationship. The scene flashed before his eyes, his brain cruelly repeating over and over again.
(...)
They had met in high school. Both were the same age, Hoseok was only older by a few months.
At the time, Jungkook had just moved to Seoul, and when Hoseok saw that shy, skinny little boy introducing himself in front of the class he felt he had to protect him. And so he did.
Jungkook didn't even have a chance, Hoseok came at him like a derailed train. He talked so much, smiled so much that the younger man felt overwhelmed by the other's presence, but at the same time he was grateful. Being in a new place, not knowing anyone was frustrating, even more difficult for Jungkook who had always been an introverted boy and had difficulty communicating with other people. He soon got used to Hoseok's way, came to love his hyung's way, in fact.
The two established an intense friendship in a very short time, and in a matter of three or four months no one could find either of them alone. They were attached at the hip. Hoseok became a part of Jungkook, he was his serotonin, he helped Jungkook to blossom, to have more confidence in himself. The elder was an important part of his life.
Jungkook was Hoseok's calmness, he was his safe harbor, he could be totally himself with the younger one, when he didn't feel well enough to be that smiling sun that everyone said he was, he could lean on Jungkook and he would say "you can rest, hyung, and I'll still be here when you wake up".
It was always like that, one complemented the other. And that is how, at the age of 17, they declared themselves to each other at the party of Namjoon, a friend they had in common. Jungkook became jealous of a girl who tried to get his hyung's attention, and with a huge pout he approached where the two of them were and without much thought pushed the girl into the pool. Without saying anything he looked angrily at Hoseok, who stared at him surprised and with his mouth open, and hurried into the house, stamping his feet.
That day Jungkook felt like an idiot, ashamed for what he had done, so he hid in the library of Namjoon's house.
When Hoseok found him five minutes later, the younger man was sitting in an armchair, crying.
- Kookie, I've been looking all over the house for you. - He closed the door and approached the boy curled up in the armchair. - Hey, why are you crying? Why did you do that, huh? Tell hyung.
- Never mind. - he answered with his face hidden in the arms resting on his knees. He was ashamed to look at Hoseok, but still felt anger too.
- Of course it matters, you know i hate to see you cry. - Jungkook could hear the concern in the other's voice.
- Go back to your little girlfriend, hyung, and leave me alone.
- Oh. - Hoseok was surprised at the rude way Jungkook spoke, he never treated him like that, but then he went over the younger man's line and smiled. - Oooh i see, my Kookie got jealous, is that it? If you wanted my attention, just ask, little bunny.
- Shut up! - He grunted at the other, face red with embarrassment.
- Respect, i'm your hyung. - replied without any anger.
- Shut up, hyung. - The younger man answered with irony.
- Better.
They stood for a moment without saying anything. Hoseok sighed and spoke again, he was worried about his friend, Jungkook never acted this way, impulsive. Hoseok was the impulsive one in that friendship. And the last thing he wanted was to have the youngest angry with him, Jungkook was the most important person in the world to him.
- But seriously Bun, why did you do that?
Jungkook felt a tightness in his chest, the urge to cry returned and he didn't know what to say to explain what he had done.
- It was just that... that girl came along that you threw me aside. And you don't even like girls, but you were letting her touch you all the time.
Hoseok wrinkled his eyebrows when he heard this, not understanding a thing. Jungkook was angry that he stopped paying attention to him and went to talk to Momo, so he pushed her in the pool? This was not a plausible reason.
- Kookie, I don't understand. What's wrong with me talking to girls, i can still talk to them, even if I'm not interested.
- Then go back there and talk to her! - the intensity of his feelings was getting the better of him, frustrating him with the whole situation. He stood up abruptly and went to sit on the couch away from Hoseok.
- Stop shouting Jungkook, I'm right here. What the hell is going on with you today? - He answered without shouting, but firmly. His face was twisted into a grimace.
And having Hoseok talk to him like that was the climax for Jungkook, causing him to cry again.
Hoseok, alarmed by the other's crying, rushed to the sofa, sat down next to Jungkook and pulled the boy into an hug, which wasted no time in wrapping itself around Hoseok's body. Even though he was hurt and angry, Hoseok's arms were his favorite place in the world and the safest.
- Sorry, hyung. - His voice was choked with crying.
- Shh it's okay. - Hoseok said as he stroked the other's hair.
They stayed like that until Jungkook calmed down. And when he did he pulled away and looked at Hoseok, his nose was red as were his eyes, and Hoseok felt his heart break at the scene. He really hated to see Jungkook cry. He raised his hands and dried the tears from his face with his thumb. Jungkook still stared at him unblinking, his chest heaving with the rapid beating of his heart, and in a surge of courage the younger man leaned over and kissed Hoseok on the mouth.
It wasn't really a kiss, just a quick touch on the other's lips.
When he pulled away Jungkook held his breath, Hoseok was staring at him with wide eyes.
- Oh my God. - Jungkook murmured softly.
At that moment he thought had screwed up, and his hyung would come to hate him, but when he tried to get up, to run and hide forever somewhere else, in New Zealand maybe, Hoseok held him by the arm.
- Kookie... why did you do that? - Hoseok asked in a thread of voice. Jungkook turned to look at Hoseok's face, looking for something there that said how Hoseok felt about what he had done, he found confusion and something else he didn't know how to interpret.
He thought there was nowhere else to run, he should tell his hyung the truth, and if he rejected him Jungkook would be ready to wallow in his bed, and cry until planet become square.
- I-i-i like you, hyung. - He said, looking down at Hoseok's hand still on his arm, the touch keeping him grounded, calming him somehow.
- You know i like you too, Bunny.
- No, hyung, not like that. I like you r-romantically. That's why i was angry at Momo flirting with you.
- WHAT? - He shouted, looking at Jungkook. Literally scream. Making Jungkook startle a little and shrug his shoulders to his ears.
Hoseok could not believe that this was really happening. It wasn't possible that Jungkook had confessed before him. Hoseok had been building up the courage to confess to his friend for months, months, but he was too afraid of losing that friendship if Jungkook didn't feel the same way.
- I'm sorry, hyung. I didn't speak up before b-because i was afraid of losing your friendship, I still am.
- Kookie, you fool. - Hoseok turned on the couch smiling as he looked at Jungkook. - You'll never lose me, you know why? Because I like you too, a lot.
Jungkook lifted his head sharply.
- What?
- I've been in love with you for so long I don't even know. But i was also afraid of losing our friendship, but you were braver than i was. You always are.
- Are you serious, hyung? - Jungkook's big eyes sparkled again, but this time not in sadness.
- Yes, bunny. I've never been more serious in my life. - The two of them stared at each other, their chests heaving with joy, it was the best feeling in the world. - Can hyung kiss you?
Jungkook only nodded eagerly.
This time it was a real kiss. Jungkook squeezed Hoseok's shirt, while the older man played with the hair on the back of Jungkook's neck, making him whimper at how good it felt.
They wanted it so much, to be in each other's arms like that, that they spent countless minutes tasting each other's mouths. Sometimes they smiled between kisses, they couldn't control it, they were too happy.
They didn't go back to the party, they preferred to stay in their own little world. Namjoon came in at some point to see how they were doing and smiled when he saw them kissing, he was happy to see that his friends finally got along. He left without anyone noticing his presence.
- Poor Momo, you ruined her makeup. - Hoseok said, and smiled at Jungkook's frown. - Her eyeliner was perfect.
- Well done, no one told her to touch you.
- They can't touch me? - He said as squeezed Jungkook's waist. The two were now lying on their sides on the couch.
Jungkook shivered at Hoseok's tone of voice.
- No. - He whispered his reply. - Only i can.
- Only you? - he asked, dragging his nose across the other's cheek.
- Uh-huh. - He sighed, affected by Hoseok's touches. - Hyung. - He whimpered and only stopped when Hoseok kissed him again.
That's how the relationship came about. And if before they were close, now there were no words to describe those two. Their friends said that they felt like vomiting rainbows whenever they saw them together. The two of them were very much in love with each other, you could see how much they loved each other.
Them together was easy. It was right.
They lived many adventures together during those 3 years of dating. They had their first time together. They were prom kings together. They went to Coldplay concert together and sang Yellow to each other, they said that was their song. There was this sea of people together, giant yellow balls above the audience and the two of them were hugging, foreheads touching and Hoseok reciting only to him while looking into his eyes "Your skin. Oh, yeah, your skin and bones. Turn into something beautiful. Do you know. You know I love you so? You know I love you so?", with Chris singing along in the background. It became their deepest memory. They never forgot. Neither of them.
It was an intense love that they lived. That's why it hurt so much when Hoseok ended it.
Both of them had finished high school, and it was time to run after the next stage of their lives. Hoseok had never dreamed of going to college, he had always known that he would become a tattoo artist. The passion for drawing came from a young age, and he was great at it, and as he grew up and saw people with tattooed bodies on the streets, he knew that this was what he wanted, so after finishing high school he would start his course to become a professional in this area, and he couldn't wait to see his art on other people's bodies. Jungkook always supported him, he was his biggest fan and said that his boyfriend would be the best tattoo artist in the world, and that he would be his first client.
He was not the first.
He was not there when Hoseok got his license to work in the field.
Just before the beginning of the year after they graduated from high school, Hoseok overheard a conversation between his boyfriend and his friend Namjoon. Not on purpose, he just arrived at Jungkook's house and went up to his boyfriend's room without letting his mother-in-law know he was there, he wanted to make a joke and scare the two of them in the room, but as he was sneaking up to the door, he heard something that made him stop before entering the room.
- So you're not going to take the scholarship? It's a great college, Jk. - Namjoon spoke calmly.
What scholarship was he talking about? Jungkook hadn't said anything to him about having passed a university.
- I know, but it's in the US hyung, very far away. I would be far away from my family, far away from Hobi. I don't want to leave him and go to the other side of the world. And i applied with no commitment, just took the test to see what it was like, it wasn't a desire to go there, so whatever. Seoul University is also great.
- Yes, it really is, but MIT is a reference in the area you want to major in.
- I know... - Jungkook sighed and threw himself on his bed. - But i don't want to leave Hoseok, going there was never a dream, but i always dreamed of being here, with him, and that's what i want, Joonie-hyung. I will still be great at what i do, even if i graduate here.
Hoseok, still in the hallway, didn't know what to think. Jungkook had won a scholarship to a college in the US, and had not told him. He didn't even know that his boyfriend had taken an exam to apply for the scholarship.
Hoseok had heard Jungkook talk about that university, several times honestly, and he also remembered watching Arrow with his boyfriend, and the character Felicity commenting that she had graduated there. And even though she was only a character, it was clear that that University was really a reference for those who wanted quality education in technology. And Jungkook had won a place. And he wouldn't... because of him.
The pressure he felt from what he heard was so overwhelming that he ran to the bathroom at the end of the hall. Hoseok felt so lost at that moment, it was as if Jungkook had placed a huge responsibility in his hands and he didn't know what to do. He knew how passionate Jungkook was about the field he wanted to major in, always passionate about technology, he had fun creating codes on his computer, creating applications like it was the easiest thing in the world, and Hoseok thought he was so smart, Jungkook was a genius, he said.
So how would he continue that knowing that he was the reason Jungkook gave up something that could be everything for his future? How would he live knowing that Jungkook missed a big opportunity like that because of him? Winning a scholarship like that must have been fucking hard, and Jungkook did it. He did it, and he was going to give it up. For him!
After a week of not knowing what to do, Hoseok made his decision. And his heart was already broken. Jungkook felt his hyung acting strange, but after asking so much what was going on, he decided to wait until Hoseok felt ready to tell him what was bothering him so much.
Hoseok does not even remember what excuse he used to break up with Jungkook that day. He doesn't remember what he said, he only remembers Jungkook's distraught face, the way he couldn't speak because of the sobs caused by crying.
He still begged, he grabbed Hoseok's arms and begged "please, hyung, please don't do this to me, to us, I love you so much, Hoseok, so much", "please don't leave me, you promised i would never lose you, please."
The pain Hoseok felt that day was the worst thing he had ever felt in his life, it was indescribable the way his heart hurt, it was as if there was a fist squeezing, sucking every life that was in him. But he knew it hurt more in Jungkook. He had ended a perfect relationship without a reason that made sense to Jungkook.
Hoseok hated to see Jungkook cry, but he found that he hated even more to be the reason Jungkook cried.
The days after that one were no better, he feared none more would be. Hoseok rejected every way Jungkook tried to contact him. He lost count of how many days he spent crying in his room. Not feeling like going out for anything else. Then one day he received a message from Namjoon, saying that Jungkook was traveling to the other side of the world and wanted to talk to him.
Hoseok remembered being in bed while he read that message, and despite all the pain he felt, he sighed with relief, and smiled before crying again.
He didn't say goodbye to Jungkook. He didn't have the strength, nor the courage to look at the younger man. But he cheered from afar for Jungkook's success on that journey, since he wouldn't be by his side to do it himself.
(...)
The room was still in a hostile silence. Jungkook had an inexpressive face, as if he felt nothing, while Hoseok felt everything. He couldn't hide his surprise at seeing Jungkook there, his hands began to shake and sweat.
- J-Jungkook? - his voice was broken, showing how affected he was.
- Jung-ssi, thank you for seeing me, even though I didn't make an appointment. - Hoseok felt his chest hurt at the cold way Jungkook spoke to him. The indifferent face hurt him in so many ways that he didn't know what to say.
But what did he expect? That Jungkook would run to hug him as soon as he saw him?
He deserved that treatment. He felt he deserved that coldness, the disregard. After all the pain he must have caused, he deserved it.
Then Hoseok swallowed his pain, and rubbed his face resuming his posture.
- It's okay, there was no one else scheduled.
- Okay then.
- As i said, Yeonjun commented that maybe you know my work, was he right?
- Yes, I do. But I don't want anything in the style that you specialize in. It's just a sentence really. - He said, reaching over and handing a small piece of paper to Hoseok, and Jungkook was mentally grateful that his hand had been steady.
Hoseok couldn't say the same, his hand was shaking and sweating like never, and everything got worse when he saw what was written there.
Jungkook kept looking at the other in front of him. Waiting to see the reaction, to see if Hoseok remembered. And by the way the other's eyes increased in size, just as the strength in his grip on the small leaf grew, he remembered.
Hoseok didn't have the courage to look at Jungkook at that moment. He could only feel his chest compressing more with each new interaction with Jungkook. It was hurting. Like hell. Jungkook really knew what he wanted by asking him to tattoo that phrase on him.
- I-i will prepare the material. Is this the final shape
you want? Size and font? - he asked, walking over to where his printer was, still not looking at the other guy in the room.
- Yes.
- Okay. A-allright. You can sit on the gurney.
The mood was tense, the only sound in the room was Hoseok preparing everything he would use on Jungkook. But the older man could swear he could only hear the sound of his racing heartbeat.
After everything was ready, the tattoo artist went over to where Jungkook was standing and cleaned the area where it would be done, on the inside of his right arm.
At the chosen spot, Jungkook had to take off the jacket he was wearing and lift the sleeve of his shirt up to his shoulder, and it was possible to see all the other art he had in that area. The drawings were beautiful, and Hoseok wished that he had marked that body with his ink. But he had messed it up.
Jungkook at no point looked away as Hoseok worked on his tattoo. His eyes were focused on the vase with tiger flowers in front of the stretcher he was on. It might have looked like he was peaceful standing there, but only he knew how difficult it was. Every time Hoseok made the slightest movement, Jungkook could smell the scent of his clothes. Still the same soft, floral fabric softener smell. That perfume that he loved so much, and still easily remembered. Jungkook remembers how he loved to throw himself between Hoseok's arms and hide his face in his neck, sucking deeply from the addictive perfume there, softening in that safe place, his safety zone, completely satisfied.
The tsunami of emotions rolling inside him was conflicting, at the same time he wanted to throw himself into the arms of the one who hurt him so much, he wanted to push Hoseok away and scream, scream and scream. But Jungkook did neither. He just took a deep breath trying to control the urge to cry, but that only made his situation worse because he only felt more of that perfume.
Why did it hurt so much? It had been years. Years!
When he decided to go to the studio to meet Hoseok, Jungkook thought he would just say what he hadn't said the last time they saw each other, because in his mind he was over it.
But it was only when he saw Hoseok's face again that everything came flooding back. All the good memories they had built together, all the smiles, all the confidences exchanged, all the love, and the pain when it was all over.
Because that night Jungkook didn't just lose a boyfriend. He lost his best friend, his half, his confidant, he lost his first love and maybe the only one, because in all those years away, Jungkook tried. God, how he tried to love again. But it seemed impossible to have again what he once had with Hoseok. And they were so young, but it was all so, so intense. Jungkook thought that a love like the one they had only happened once in a lifetime, and he had already had his and lost it.
He remembered how difficult his first months in the US had been. Because Jungkook had acted rashly in accepting that position. He didn't think it through, he didn't see the pros and cons of it all, he just saw an escape, a way to try to placate that piercing pain in his chest and he grabbed it. And suddenly 19-year-old Jungkook found himself in a totally unknown country, with a language he didn't feel confident speaking and worst of all, alone. Jungkook was completely alone. After going through an event that shook him so mentally. Without his family, without his friends and especially without Hoseok.
He doesn't even remember how he got through that first semester. He was going to class, but he wasn't completely there. He didn't know how he didn't lose his scholarship with the embarrassing grades he was getting, but he made it. Jungkook promised himself on his 20th birthday, after hanging up the video call with his family, that he would focus completely on his course. Since he was there, he would give himself entirely, use and abuse that chance they gave him. And he did. He graduated with honors a year ago.
He thought about staying there.
But Jungkook missed his home, his family. And he had unfinished business here, so he came back.
And now he bitterly regretted his decision.
- I would like to hate you. - Jungkook spoke, voice strained by the urge to cry that he had been holding back for so many minutes. Hoseok was thankful that he finished the job at that very moment, because after hearing what the other said, his hands began to shake and vision blurred with tears.
Hoseok didn't raise his head, but his face was contorted by the way he was holding in his tears, as if he was in pain. And really was.
But Jungkook looked at him, and the sight of Hoseok with tears in his eyes only made him angry. So he repeated.
- I would like to hate you, Hoseok. And i hate myself for not even being able to do that.
- I think I hate myself enough for both of us. - Hoseok answered quietly when the first tear rolled from his eye.
Jungkook, seeing this, turned on the stretcher so that he could look directly at Hoseok.
- Why are you crying? - Hoseok raised his head in alarm at Jungkook's angry tone, and shrank back in his chair when he saw Jungkook's intense eyes in his direction, bathed in anger and hurt. - Why the fuck are you crying now, Hoseok?
- I'm s-sorry.
- What are you apologizing for? For crying or for completely destroying me in the past?
That line broke the rest of the control Hoseok still had over his emotions, and his crying flowed without restraint, making him stand up from where he was standing and turn his back to Jungkook. But that didn't sensitize the other, who stood up and decided that he would speak there everything he wanted, everything that he had held stuck in his throat for all those years, hanging him. And being able to see Hoseok crying gave Jungkook a completely selfish satisfaction, because he had cried so, so much, for so long, and without knowing how it had affected the other. It made him feel relieved to see the older man crying. Because it answered a question Jungkook didn't even know he wanted answered. It said that Hoseok cared, even if only a little, because the thought of him coming over here, and saying what he wanted to say to Hoseok and getting only disdain or indifference as a response, haunted him. So having Hoseok cry was good. Even if it also hurt him to see it, because it satisfied him, as said before, but it was still Hoseok there.
- I'm s-sorry, Jungkook. - Hoseok said while still crying, hiding his face with his hands.
- Look at me Hoseok, can you even look at me? I came here because that day only you spoke, and I, like the idiot in love that I was, could only ask you not to do that. But now I will speak, and you will listen to me.
Hoseok could only nod his head in agreement. He thought that he owed it to Jungkook at least. Give him the chance to say everything he wanted. Then he plucked up courage and wiped his face before turning to face Jungkook. His chest was still panting from the sobs.
Jungkook caught his breath when he saw the face in front of him. Red eyes, as well as his nose and cheeks, which were wet from the tears that insisted on coming down, even though Hoseok had wiped them off with the sleeve of his sweatshirt seconds ago. His lower lip was stuck in his teeth, and Jungkook knew that it was a way to try to prevent him from letting out the cry for good. But he swallowed the pain he felt at seeing Hoseok like this, he needed that conclusion.
- You don't know how much you hurt me. You don't know what i was like after that ridiculous breakup you put me through. Because you didn't even think i deserved a dignified ending. You just gave me those reasons that even now don't make any sense to me, even though I've gone over and over that night several times in my head. I couldn't communicate properly for months, i could only cry. I agreed to go to that college after what you did and it only made everything worse, because i was alone. I was alone, Hoseok. You left me alone, even after you promised me several times that you would never leave me, that i would never lose you. - At that moment Jungkook couldn't hold back his tears any longer, and cried as he spoke. - You broke my heart, and i loved you so, so much Hoseok. - His hand went towards his heart as if pain was present. - And you wouldn't let me see you, you avoided me for days. I just wanted to understand why, but you denied me that. I spent days, weeks, months while i was there, wondering if i had done something wrong, and if so, what it was. I wondered if you just didn't love me anymore. - Hoseok, agonized by this, only shook his head in denial. It was killing him inside to see the pain he had caused Jungkook.
- No, Jungkook-
- THEN WHY? - the scream was anguishing, Hoseok could hear all the hurt and desperation for an answer.
- Hyung? - Jungkook turned back to hide his wet face when he heard a third voice in the room. Hoseok looked at Yeonjun, who looked worried looking from one to the other. - Is everything okay here?
The boy had heard shifting voices and decided to go see what might be going on, and became nervous when he saw that Hoseok was crying, as was the other man in the room. So they knew each other? Yeonjun wondered.
- D-don't worry, Yeonie, everything is fine. You can go home now.
- Are you sure, hyung? I can call minnie-hyung. - The boy was hesitant to leave Hoseok.
- No. No need, go ahead. Talk to you later.
- Okay. - He waited a few more seconds to see if Hoseok would change his mind, but when he didn't hear anything else he just went back to the reception and grabbed his backpack to leave, but not before sending a message to Jimin telling him what was going on.
Back in the room, both were silent after the interruption, but Hoseok soon took a deep breath and started talking. Jungkook remained on his back.
- I was stupid. I was an idiot, Jungkook. That's the reason. Damn it. - Hoseok threw back his hair with his hands, sighing loudly before turning back to look at Jungkook's back. - A week before we broke up-
- You broke up with me. - Jungkook said sharply.
- Y-yes... a week before, i overheard a conversation between you and Namjoon, unintentionally, but it happened. You were talking about the scholarship you had won.
Jungkook then turned his body around, looking at Hoseok with frowning eyebrows. Somehow, upon hearing this, he had formulated an idea of what had happened, and would not be happy at all if he was right.
- You had taken the exam and told me nothing, I had no idea. So i was surprised to hear that you had won, and it was for some big fucking university on the other side of the world. You had won, Jungkook, and you were going to drop out because of me.
- For God's sake. - Jungkook rubbed his face with his hands, frustrated by the whole thing. - That can't be true. - He spoke more to himself than to the other. - Is that the only reason you broke up with me? Are you serious?
- What do you mean "just" for that, Jungkook? You had been accepted in the best technology college in the world and you were going to drop out. For me! How do you think i felt hearing that?
- You didn't have to feel anything, Hoseok. If you really listened to my conversation, you heard when i said that studying there was never what i wanted. - He spoke out of turn.
- You have got to be kidding me. It was about your professional future, Jungkook. You had won a one-in-a-million chance for a bright future. And you're telling me you didn't want that? I listened to you talk about this college, how smart the people there were, how they discovered amazing things there, your eyes sparkled, and you tell me you didn't want it?
- No, I didn't want to. What i wanted was to stay here, with you, with my family and friends, that's what i wanted.
- It was a waste of a great chance, Jungkook, it wasn't worth it for you to stay here and miss this opportunity.
- Oh... - Jungkook breathed a humorless smile. - So our relationship wasn't worth it, I get it.
- That's not what-
- That's exactly what you said!
- What would happen if you stayed, and then regretted the choice you made? Huh? I'll tell you what would happen. You would blame me, Jungkook. You would look at me and remember what you gave up to stay here with me. Because Seoul University may be good, but it doesn't come close to MIT. And i am sure that now that you are back, probably already graduated, you agree with me.
- No. You are wrong, Hoseok. I would never blame you for this, and do you know why? As you said yourself, it would have been MY choice. And i would live with it, no matter what happened. I would never blame you for a choice i made, and you knew me better than anyone else, you should know that. You simply decided for me, you took away my right to choose, my opinion didn't matter to you. In the relationship it was you and me, but you decided to end it on your own.
Hoseok cried again as he listened to Jungkook.
- You were right about the quality of the study there. And if you want a thank you for looking after my future. - Jungkook bent his torso in a ninety-degree arc, and then stood up again. - Thank you, Hoseok. Thank you very much. But this doesn't change the fact that, even after i graduated there, i still would have chosen you. The only thing i wish was that you had chosen me too.
Hoseok cried, shaking his head in denial. It was wrong, it wasn't supposed to be like this. It seemed that he was doing it all wrong again, he felt that he had lost Jungkook again, and he didn't even have him back.
- Thank you for finally telling me the truth. I needed that.
- Jungkook, please - Hoseok tried to hold Jungkook's arm, trying to say something that even he didn't know what, but Jungkook pulled away from the touch. And that broke his heart, making him hug his own waist, as if to protect himself from the pain.
- I guess this pays for your work. If not, talk to Namjoon-hyung and I'll send whatever is missing for him. - Jungkook spoke as he took large bills from his wallet and placed them on the table by the door. He put on his jacket and before walking out the door, he looked back once more. - Take care, Hoseok.
Jungkook ran into a short blond man all tattooed on the way out, with big cheeks and thick lips. He recognized him from some pictures Hoseok had posted with him. The man looked surprised at him, following him with his gaze until he passed through the studio's exit door.
- Good evening. - he said as he left.
- Good evening.
Jimin looked at the tall boy coming out of his studio. That was Jeon Jungkook, he would recognize that face anywhere, even though he had never seen him in person. The pictures Hoseok had were enough to make Jimin know who he was.
When Jimin arrived at Hoseok's room, he found his friend sitting on the floor with his face hidden between his hands while crying intensely.
Jimin rushed to his knees and hugged the other.
- Hyung. What happened? - Hoseok didn't answer, and just leaned all his weight on Jimin, squeezing the other's shirt tightly as he cried. They stayed like that, Jimin bouncing Hoseok's body while stroking his hair, just watching over him.
Jungkook entered the apartment he had bought after moving in. The place had only the basics, no decorations and several things were still missing. But for now it was enough. He threw himself on his bed after taking off his jacket and then raised his arm to look at the new tattoo there.
"And it was all yellow".
With the same arm Jungkook covered his face as the heavy tears started to roll down.
Hoseok's urge was to miss the rest of the entire week. His head had been hurting for hours from all the crying he had done since the moment he met Jungkook in his studio on Monday. Even the two painkillers he took didn't have much effect.
Jungkook.
Until now Hoseok couldn't believe that he was back, and that that night had happened. He spent the whole other day replaying Jungkook's words in his head, martyring himself. Because he knew he had screwed up everything between them five years ago, but having Jungkook talk about him with verbs in the past tense just made him want to beat himself up for the stupid mistake he made.
"I wanted to be with you," "you knew me," "I loved you." He knew. Hoseok knew he had lost Jungkook, but having the other saying it in front of him made it real, and the confirmation hurt like hell.
Because Hoseok had always known that he still loved Jungkook. All his verbs about Jungkook are still in the present tense and he doesn't know if that would ever change.
In his mind he would live forever with that feeling stored in a little box in his heart, and that he would never see Jungkook again. But then Jungkook appeared and along with his presence came the opening of that little box in his chest.
It was a mixture of emotions and sensations when he saw the younger man in his living room. He had changed so much, grown so much. He was so beautiful.
Hoseok never sought to know how Jungkook was on the other side of the world, he knew that Namjoon still talked to him, but he never asked. He didn't feel he had the right to know. So he didn't seek to know. Except for one time. The one that Hoseok regrets to this day.
Years had passed and Hoseok became curious, so he went after Jungkook's Instagram and there, on the first photo was Jungkook with another man, and on the caption was "my days here are more fun with you". He remembers this day, the way he curled up in bed and cried like a frightened child. Because looking at the photo, Hoseok was sure that Jungkook had gotten over him and had moved on.
After Jungkook left for the US, Hoseok went through a depressive phase. He didn't start his course that year because he didn't feel like leaving home. He lost weight, withdrew from his friends and worried his family more and more. But he needed to get on with his life too, and deal with the decision he had made.
Until he met Jimin in his course, the short boy with the easy laugh. Jimin was someone very important in his improvement and became a great friend. Together they finished the course and decided that they would not part there, so they opened the studio "Hope World", which had only been in operation for a year, but already had loyal clients.
Over the months, Jimin managed to get Hoseok to start therapy. To help him with his thoughts. That's how Hoseok realized how needlessly he had lost Jungkook. It was hard at that stage. Because he had started therapy to better deal with the missing he felt and how to try to open up to other people and move on, but now he would have to deal with guilt and regret for what he had done.
Hoseok and Jungkook were young when they got together. They still had a lot to learn. And it was because of this immaturity that Hoseok acted impulsively in breaking up with Jungkook. With his therapy he saw that he should not have done what he did. He could have talked to Jungkook, he could have proposed a long-distance relationship. He could have visited Jungkook on important holidays and on his birthday. But he didn't think about that at that time. All he thought about was that he would be to blame for Jungkook missing a great opportunity.
He was young, and that was a lot of pressure. It caught him totally off guard.
He knew that Jungkook was right in everything he said. His psychologist had said the same thing to him before, that he had taken away Jungkook's chance to choose. Hoseok knew that he had made a mistake, and he regretted it.
But Hoseok was too much of a coward. He always had been. So he didn't go after Jungkook to try to talk it over and fix it. And then he saw that picture and gave up once and for all. There was no reason to come back into Jungkook's life just to mess everything up because of his regret and ask him to take him back. Jungkook had already moved on and deserved to be happy. Hoseok would deal with his regret and guilt on his own.
Jungkook's being back was a big detour on his path, he didn't see it coming, he wasn't prepared for the thud that it was. Facing Jungkook was like facing his biggest mistake. The regret and guilt returned, as did the shame. It was oppressive, this reunion.
It was his best friend there, his favorite person in the world. And his eyes were filled with anger and resentment as they looked at him. Jungkook said he wanted to hate him. That same boy that Hoseok had met, the kindest, most loving and companionable boy in the world, said that he wanted to have the ability to hate someone. Him.
What had Hoseok done? How much pain had he caused Jungkook?
Hoseok felt like shit that Wednesday. And he wanted to stay home wallowing in pity. But jimin showed up there in the morning and made him get up. And Hoseok did. He was no longer an idiot teenager, he had responsibilities now, his studio and Jimin were looking for their space so he couldn't afford to break his commitment to his clients.
- Are you ready? - Jimin asked from where he was sitting on his couch as he fiddled with his cell phone.
- No.
- Good, then let's go.
- But i said I'm not.
- But let's go anyway. You have a client scheduled in a few minutes, and i think you'd better get yourself situated on the way there, because if you screw up while getting a tattoo I'm going to break your finger.
- Jesus, what is this violence for? I would never compromise a job, you know that. - he said as he locked the door and followed Jimin to the elevator.
- I know, i trust you on that. - he replied as he put his arm around Hoseok's shoulders.
They didn't talk much that day in the studio after Jungkook left. Jimin just brought Hoseok home and spent the night at his friend's place. Hoseok told what happened in the morning. He cried again, of course, he thought that he would never stop crying whenever he remembered Jungkook.
Jimin knew about his whole history with Jungkook. Hoseok felt good to vent to his friend over the years. It was good to have someone to talk to. Namjoon was still his friend, but Hoseok remembers how the other one got a little weird with him when the shit happened, at that time he still didn't know the reason Hoseok did what he did, and he was the one who stood by Jungkook. So they stayed apart for a while, Namjoon still tried to talk to him, but Hoseok was embarrassed and ignored him. They became friends again, but Hoseok made Namjoon promise not to tell Jungkook anything, absolutely nothing, about what they talked about. Namjoon promised, he wouldn't break the trust Hoseok had in him to share everything, but it hurt him too much to see his friends hurt the way they were. He saw both sides, and witnessed how lack of communication can be a villain in people's lives.
That day in the studio was quiet, as were the others that followed, and then two weeks had passed since Jungkook's return. Some customers who already knew Hoseok asked if he was all right, since Hoseok was a person who was always smiling and infectious to everyone around him with his hearty laugh. But he just couldn't stop thinking about Jungkook, and every time this happened his mood withered and all he wanted to do was go home and lock himself in his room forever.
That anguish in his chest seemed to never go away. Hoseok wondered if he would have to go back to therapy, because seeing in person the pain he caused Jungkook shook him too much. He felt horrible to see how much he had hurt and disappointed the person he loved most in the world.
Jimin was already tired of seeing his friend sinking into self-pity, so at the end of the day he knocked on the door of Hoseok's room.
Hoseok was organizing everything, he hated to leave before everything was properly in place.
- Hey Hobi Hobi my cutest little squirrel. - he said as he entered the room and hugged Hoseok from behind, resting his chin on Hoseok's shoulder. Hoseok went on with what he was doing
- What do you want, huh? -He knew Jimin. knew that when he came over all mushy it was because he wanted something.
- You, hyungie.
- I told you I'm not having a threesome with you and Tae.
- You toxic. - he joked, letting go of Hoseok and sitting down on the chair next to him.
They both laughed.
- I know you Jiminah.
- Yeah yeah. So... you're having dinner at my house tonight. Tae is bringing a friend who just joined the company where he works, and you're going.
- Jiminaaaah
- Don't even try hyung, I've let you down for two weeks now, that's enough.
- I'm suffering. - made drama. - I wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep.
- And crying at home will solve what? You have a tendency to run away and ignore your problems, hyung. But ignoring doesn't make them go away. Go after him, say what you couldn't say here in the studio that night, go after it to really make it right.
Hoseok sighed heavily. He knew he was a coward and was afraid to face his problems. Jungkook was always the bravest, always ready to face his fears head on, and Hoseok admired him for that. He wish he had just one percent of the bravery of the other.
- I know. I'm just... afraid. - he said softly.
Jimin saw his friend's gloom and came closer, hugging Hoseok.
- It's okay Hobi, it's normal to be afraid. You just can't let that fear keep you from doing what needs to be done. Turn that fear into courage and go with fear anyway. I know you can do it.
- He probably doesn't even want to look at my face anymore. - He has become small in Jimin's embrace.
- Maybe so, maybe not. You'll only know if you try. - He stroked Hoseok's back a few times and patted him twice later. - Now let's go, Tae is waiting for help and your fried chicken is the best.
- You're a selfish bastard, you just want me to go and make this chicken.
- You found out my secret, hyung. - Laughing, the two of them left the studio after locking up.
(...)
- I swear I tried, hyung. - Taehyung had a pout on his lips as he whined under the kitchen counter.
- I don't know how you invite someone over for dinner when neither of you know how to cook rice without burning it. - Hoseok said as he fried the chickens in the pot of hot oil. He had his back to his two friends.
- No need to humiliate too, hyung. - Jimin murmurs also with a pout on his lips, which doesn't take much effort.
- You guys managed to toast a ramen last time you were sleeping over, I was almost asked to move out of my house because of you. Two people, to make one ramen, and you still managed to burn it. - Hoseok remembered what happened, the dark smoke in his kitchen, the strong odor, and the two desperate friends trying to turn off the fire sensor that was spraying water all over the kitchen.
- Why did you call him anyway? - Taehyung whispered to his boyfriend.
- I heard that! - Hoseok turned to face the two of them, pointing to the spatula in his hand. - I'm here because you're both useless when it comes to cooking, I don't know how you're still alive. - He said, walking over to the electric rice cooker that beeped and said the dish was ready.
- But hyung, that doesn't count, we do know how to make ramen, that day we just... forgot.
- Remembering that there is something on the fire, and timing things is one of the keys to cooking Jiminah, believe it or not.
- You are no fun hyung.
The doorbell rang at that moment and Taehyung stood up quickly.
- That must be him. Remember that he is shy, but a very funny person. Be nice.
- When aren't we? - Jimin answered with a smile and Hoseok followed him.
Jimin waited for Taehyung to greet his friend before introducing himself. When he thought he should, he got up from his chair and went into the living room, then stood in place.
Jungkook was there.
- Jungkook? - He gave voice to his thoughts.
At that moment there was nothing more to be done, Jimin could already hear Hoseok's voice coming closer, saying that everything was ready. And Jimin knew that his friend finally saw who was in the room when he abruptly stopped what he was saying.
- Do you know Jungkook, baby? - Taehyung spoke up, wondering what the mood was like, looking at the three other men in the room who were staring at each other awkwardly.
- It’s Jungkook, my angel. Kookie.
- What? Hoseok's Kookie? - He asked, surprised.
Jungkook didn't know what to do, but his cheeks felt warm when Taehyung asked if he was "Hoseok's kookie". Did Hoseok talk about him to the others? What was he talking about?
He couldn't stop staring at Hoseok who was positioned slightly behind Jimin. The older man looked like he saw a ghost and was going to run at any moment. Jungkook wouldn't blame him, he wanted to do that at the moment too.
- Hmm... - Jimin cleared his throat, trying to think of something. - What a coincidence, isn't it? - he sighed, thinking that had failed miserably to lighten the mood.
- Well, since you all know each other, i don't need to introduce anyone. We can go to the kitchen, this chicken smells wonderful, hyung. Thank you for cooking. Let's go, Jungkook. - Taehyung held the younger man by the arm and pulled him into the kitchen, Hoseok moved aside, out of the way.
- I think I'd better go, Jimin. - Hoseok spoke apprehensively, drying his sweaty hands on his pants.
It seemed like the universe was playing tricks on him. Hours ago Hoseok had said that Jungkook might not want to see him anymore, and now he shows up at his friend's house. Unbelievable.
- No, hyung. No. Stay. Maybe you two can talk.
- I don't think this is a good moment. I wouldn't even know where to start.
- Maybe the beginning.
- Baby, Hobi-hyung! Come quickly. - Taehyung shouted from the kitchen.
- Come on. - Jimin didn't let Hoseok escape and led him into the kitchen.
Jungkook wondered if his heart would decide to stop racing at some point during the night, because from the moment he heard Hoseok's voice he hadn't lost the fast pace.
After the night he left Hoseok's studio he tried to distract himself with something else. He tried to familiarize himself as much as possible with the company he was now working for, and this is how he met Taehyung when he visited the Marketing Department. He visited decoration stores to fix up his apartment. And even though he was doing all this, Hoseok still occupied 90% of his mind.
It had always been this way. He said so many times that he was over it that he even believed it. But reviewing Hoseok proved that he was just deluding himself. Five years had passed! How could he still feel this way about Hoseok? It wasn't fair, he thought. Hoseok had hurt him so much, disappointed him so much. Why couldn't he just... move on?
And he looked so handsome. Damn, Hoseok looked wonderful. In the past, Jungkook had been fissured with the older man's red hair, but Hoseok's hair as it was now, in his natural shade of brown, was his favorite. It looked so soft, and smelled so good. He loved to smell Hoseok's hair. Did it still have the same scent of melon and jasmine? His fingers itched to touch it, to glide through the silky strands. So he propped his hands in his lap, twisting his fingers.
Taehyung and Jimin filled the room with trivial conversations about anything that Jungkook couldn't say what it was about. His attention was elsewhere. Particularly on the man sitting in front of him at the counter.
- So Jungkook, what are you thinking about the company? - Jungkook turned his head, finally coming out of his daze when he heard his name being pronounced.
- What?
- I said, what are you thinking about the company so far? - Jimin repeated what he had said before.
- Oh, yeeh. Everything is fine for now, people are nice and I'm slowly getting along with everyone, Taehyung has helped me with that.
- For sure, this one is the biggest social butterfly in the world.
Jungkook wanted to disagree with that, but he shut up in time, just smiling.
They talked for a few more minutes, just drinking the wine that Taehyung had served. The couple was good at lightening the mood, finding subjects here and there so that there would be no opportunity for silence in the room. But Jungkook noticed how little Hoseok contributed to the conversation, sometimes responding with "uhum", and forced smiles when his friends directed questions at him.
He wondered if the older man was bothered by his being there. After all, it was his friends' house, and Jungkook appeared out of nowhere, practically.
- Okay, let's eat now, I think the chicken has had time to cool down a bit. Help me get the stuff, baby, you two can go sit at the table. - Taehyung says getting up, and Jimin follows.
Hoseok begins to break into a cold sweat at the thought of being alone with Jungkook. Even if it was for the shortest time. Coward, coward, coward! His mind kept repeating those words, like a derogatory mantra.
He got up from his high chair on the counter, and went to the dinner table outside the kitchen. Jungkook followed him silently. They sat down again, facing each other.
And Jungkook stared at Hoseok, who caught him in a moment when he looked up. The older man shifted in his chair at the intensity with which Jungkook looked at him.
- I can make up an excuse and leave if you are too uncomfortable. - Jungkook spoke suddenly.
- What? No. - Hoseok raised his head abruptly, surprised by the younger man's words.
Jungkook wanted to scold the other's face, his eyes wide, his cheeks flushed. Damn it! Why did he have to be so cute?
- You can't sit still in your chair, and you don't talk to us, you only answer when we ask you something. - He spoke again in a calm manner.
- I'm sorry, I-I just don't know what to say. But I swear, you don't have to go.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, of course! I thought you wanted me to leave, I thought I'd ask you myself before. - He scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. It seemed that Jungkook would always say and do everything before Hoseok had the chance.
- Why would I want that? This is your friends' house, I'm the outsider here.
- Taehyung invited you, and i see them all the time, it wouldn't be a big deal.
- Well, I don't care if you stay or not so it's fine to me.
Jungkook noticed how Hoseok's expression dropped at what he said, and felt like an idiot. He didn't know why he had said that. He literally proposed getting out of there a minute ago if Hoseok was uncomfortable with his presence, and now he says that?
Maybe he was afraid of how easy it was to lower his wall when he interacted with Hoseok, and then reacted automatically.
Hoseok didn't raise his head and look at him again after what he said. He just helped Jimin and Taehyung arrange the dishes on the table with an inconsolable face. Jungkook hated himself.
Everyone started to serve themselves. The smell was wonderful and the appearance seemed even better. Jungkook's stomach rumbled, making everyone at the table smile, even Hoseok, who tried to hide it with his glass of water, but Jungkook saw it, and felt the lump inside him shrink.
- Here Jungkook-ssi, I'll put some for you.
- No! He doesn't like it. - Hoseok said quickly, stopping Jimin from putting olive oil on Jungkook's salad. Realizing what he just did, he raises his eyes and sees all three of them staring at him. He looks at Jungkook, and feels his neck heat up with embarrassment. - O-oh, sorry. I don't know if he still doesn't like it i-i just-
- I still don't like it. - Jungkook decided to intervene, Hoseok didn't seem to know what to say. He couldn't stop the heat that grew in his chest when he saw that Hoseok still remembered this.
- Okay, we have some sauces if you like.
- I'll take them, thank you.
Jimin went to get the sauces from the kitchen and after returning the four of them engaged in new conversations while eating. Hoseok participated more this time, but still avoided talking directly to Jungkook.
The food was delicious as expected. Jungkook thought he might cry when he bit into the first piece of chicken. He would recognize that spice anywhere, Hoseok prepared the same for him whenever he ordered it while they were together.
- Your chicken is still the same. - he said, unable to stop himself.
- O-oh. - Hoseok looked surprised at him. - And hmm... is that good or b-bad? - He asked hesitantly.
- Good. I always loved what you prepared.
The smile that broke out on Hoseok's face was impossible to hold back. And it was beautiful. Jungkook felt his heart skip a beat or two, and mentally lamented.
He missed so much that smile directed at him. That heart shape. His heart. It was his heart in that smile.
- Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. - Hoseok said shyly, trying to hide his smile by lowering his face.
- And it was one. It's really great. - Jungkook delighted in the way Hoseok's entire face and ears flushed.
Oh how Jungkook was screwed.
Jimin and Taehyung just watched the interaction, looking at each other with complicit smiles on their faces.
The night didn't last too long, everyone was tired from their day's work. When Hoseok was leaving, so was Jungkook, but at the last second he said that he needed to talk to Taehyung. Hoseok, even after years away from the younger one, knew that he was lying. He knew that the other lied about it so that he wouldn't have to be alone with him in the elevator. Ouch! Jungkook didn't want to be in an environment alone with him for even the two minutes from the floor of Jimin's apartment to the first floor. All right, Hoseok didn't blame him. And maybe it was better that he did what he did, it could have been awkward the silence that would ensue in the metal box, because Hoseok certainly wouldn't know what to talk about, and Jungkook didn't seem willing to talk to him. Yeah, maybe it was for the best anyway.
He sighed loudly as he stepped out of the elevator and flew home. Finally he could take a long shower and relax in his bed soon after.
Jungkook was on more dates with the others during the weeks following the dinner at Taehyung's house. He got to know his friend and company partner as well as his boyfriend Jimin a little more. He also met Seokjin and Yoongi, Namjoon's boyfriends. Hoseok went on these dates too, but Jungkook hardly ever spoke to the other, doing so only when strictly necessary. The older man thought that the praise he received for his food was an exception, and now Jungkook preferred to ignore his existence as much as possible. It hurt, but he thought it best not to force a closeness, he would let Jungkook decide whether or not he wanted to have any kind of involvement between them again.
And Jungkook really ignored him. Even though every time they met at a meeting between friends, Jungkook would tingle to go talk to Hoseok. But he wouldn't budge. He was still deeply hurt, and the way it seemed easy for him to throw all this hurt and pain away and just throw himself into Hoseok's arms, scared him. So he preferred to keep a safe distance. But... he could see how it hurt Hoseok too, because Jungkook was talking to everyone at the table except him. The downcast little face looking from one to another at the table as he saw Jungkook interacting with the others, his mouth forming a triangle when he commented on something Jungkook said, and the younger one just responding with a mumble or a nod. He tried to interact with Jungkook, but after so many cold returns he just... gave up. So on the last few dates they had as friends, Hoseok didn't try anything, he just chatted with the others, and was always the first to leave, and Jungkook would follow him around the restaurant with his eyes until Hoseok disappeared from his sight.
He felt bad, but this time he would not give in.
- I think it's a little mean what you do. - Namjoon commented, sitting down on his sofa.
His friend had come to visit, was passing by the area where Jungkook lived and decided to stop by so they could chat.
- What?
- The way you exclude Hoseok whenever we go out. - Jungkook felt his chest tighten and bowed his head in shame. - He has been trying to get closer to you, and making an effort not to be so awkward that only the two of you don't interact when we go out, but you seem to be making an effort to the contrary by treating him like that, not giving him a break.
- Maybe I am. - He said quietly, still looking down at his hands in his lap.
- And why is that?
- Maybe I don't want to get close to him again.
- Oh... okay. You may not want to be his friend again, but there's also no need to be rude, and just pretend he's not at the table, Kookie.
- I know, hyung. I know! I'm not proud of what I'm doing, believe me. But I know that the moment I give him a chance, and talk to him, I won't be able to stop. - he said in a heated voice. This was all too frustrating and exhausting.
- Wait, I don't understand. You don't talk to him, only because you are afraid you won't stop afterwards?
- Yes, exactly. I know that the moment I give him a chance to introduce himself into my life again, he will get all over it. He doesn't need much, never has. - He said, lowering his voice.
Namjoon looked at his friend and sighed. This was dragging on too long.
- I'm still hurt about what he did, Hyung. He broke up with me because he found out that I had been accepted at MIT, he overheard our conversation that day in my room, and broke up with me because he heard that I wasn't going because of him. - He spoke with disappointment in his voice and looked at his friend, surprised to see that Namjoon didn't seem surprised. - Wait, you knew about this?
- Hm... yes he told me. - He spoke calmly.
- What do you mean he told you? And why the hell didn't you tell me, hyung? I could have done something to get this out of his head. - Shouted in disbelief.
- Ow Ow Ow, calm down Jungkook. He didn't tell me back then. - Jungkook quieted down upon hearing this, returning to his normal breathing. - After you traveled, Hoseok pushed everyone away. He didn't answer my messages and calls, didn't leave his house anymore and wouldn't even accept a visit from me. Ms. Jung was worried, Hoseok did not leave his room, did not eat properly and did not want to talk to anyone. It was almost a year like this.
Jungkook felt his throat tighten listening to this. Hoseok had gotten as bad as him, if not worse.
- He didn't start his course that year. Until one day Jiwoo nonna let me in even though he didn't want to see me. I confess that i was a jerk to him at first, I think i was angry about the way he broke up with you and avoided me. He collapsed in front of me, Kookie. He cried so much and I felt terrible for the way I had talked to him. - Namjoon remembered that day, the way he didn't give Hoseok a chance to explain himself and just attacked him with words, not realizing how sensitive and vulnerable Hoseok seemed. - He told me everything that day, but made me promise not to tell you anything.
Namjoon took a sip of the juice on the coffee table before continuing to speak.
- And after what he told me I understood him.
- What? You think what he did was right? - Jungkook looked dumbfounded at his friend.
- No, Kookie, I didn't say that I thought it was right, I said that I understood why he did it.
- And you can try to explain it to me, because even now I can't understand. - Said, feeling the anger coming back to him on that subject.
- Jungkook, you know Hoseok better than I do, you know how fearful and impulsive he is. I think he just put these two traits of his personality together and they ended up leading him to make that decision. Think about it, Jungkook, he must have felt really fucking oppressed by what he heard. You may not think so, but it was a big deal. You were giving up MIT for him, Jungkook. And he wasn't totally wrong when he thought that you might regret it in the future and blame him.
- I would never do that, hyung! - Jungkook responds incisively.
- Never say never Kookie, you don't know about the future. Your relationship was really beautiful, and you complemented each other in a way that always left me in awe, but nothing is perfect. There would be days when you would argue, and it is still a possibility that in the heat of the moment you would look at him and blame him for the chance you missed. And how do you think Hoseok would feel if you said that to him?
Jungkook shrank back on the sofa, reflecting on what he had heard. Namjoon was right. He could see that now. He had sure that he would never blame Hoseok for his own choice, not in good conscience, but it was not possible to have control over everything.
And Jungkook is sure that he would destroy Hoseok if he blamed him for it, if it really happened. Because Hoseok was his biggest supporter, his biggest fan. The person who always praised him, and spoke about him with pride, "my jungkookie is a genius," "my boyfriend will do great things," he told everyone. So if Jungkook did that, Hoseok would believe him, he would believe he was to blame and it would destroy him.
- He always loved you too much Jungkook, always put you ahead of everything else in his life, always cheered and wished you the best. He didn't do it with the intention of hurting you, he just did what he thought was right. It wasn't the right choice, we know that, he knows that now, but he made a mistake trying to get it right. No one is impervious to error, don't judge or condemn him for it forever. I know it seems hard the idea of forgiving him because he hurt you so much, but if we are incomprehensible to someone today, we can't expect understanding tomorrow. Everybody makes mistakes. - Namjoon came closer, squeezing Jungkook's shoulder. - My omma always said that the true ability to forgive, consists in forgiving what seems unforgivable. You can do it, if anyone can do it, it is you, Kookie.
- Why does everything have to be so difficult? - He sighed deeply, leaning his head on Namjoon's shoulder, and wiped the tears that didn't notice rolling down his face.
- I'll tell you a secret. - Namjoon spoke in a mischievous voice. - Once we went out i slept in his apartment, and during the morning i showered and he said that i could get some clothes from his closet. I opened the wrong door and you know what I found there?
- What? - Jungkook asked very curious.
- Gifts.
- Gifts?
- Yeah. - he said with a big smile, making his eyes close and his charming dimples appear.
- And what's so great about that, Hyung? - Jungkook rolled his eyes and laid his head back on his friend's shoulder.
- For you.
- WHAT? - he lifted his head again, shouting at the other.
- He came running into the room, I think he remembered the packages, but I had already seen them. He tried to lie, but you know how bad he is at it. - He scoffed, rolling his eyes. - So I insisted until he confessed. They were all yours. There were seven parcels.
- Seven? - Jungkook's heart was racing at what he heard.
- Yes, he explained later, even begrudgingly, that they were for every Christmas and birthday of yours. There were seven, because that's how many times the occasions passed after you left, so I guess now there must be eleven.
- Do you think he is still at it? - he asked, feeling a little stunned by it all.
- I'm sure he is.
Hoseok had finished his last client appointment of the day, and was going to stay at the front desk since Yeonjun had to leave early to do some college stuff. He was going to spend his time sitting behind the counter drawing something on his tablet, but he forgot his pen in his office and ran to get it. When he returned he was surprised to find Jungkook there.
Like all the other times his chest gave an involuntary jump, then came the familiar tightness. Hoseok had tried to get closer, to ask Jungkook to agree to talk to him, but his courage vanished more each time he was treated coldly by the other. He had been treading on eggshells whenever he was around Jungkook, policing himself so as not to get too excited and say something too enthusiastic only to have a bucket of cold water thrown at him when Jungkook did not respond with the same enthusiasm. It was hard, but since Jungkook's decision was that he didn't want anything more to do with him, he would respect that choice. He would never again override a decision that was not his own. He had learned from his mistake.
He cleared his throat before spoke.
- Jungkook. What's up? - he tried to act calm.
- Hi. Yeah, everything's fine.
- Hmm... What are you doing here? - He asked curiously. A glimmer of hope was growing inside him that maybe, Jungkook had gone there to talk to him.
- I came to meet with Jiminah. - And just as quickly as his hope grew, it withered away.
- A-ah yes, of course. - He hoped that Jungkook hadn't noticed the fall on his face. But he did. - He-he's in a session right now.
- Yes, I know. He told me that he is finishing it. - He emphasized this by waving the cell phone in front of him.
Hoseok nodded and went behind the counter to sit in the high chair there. Jungkook had become very close to Jimin during that time. Both from Busan, similar tastes. It was easy for a great friendship to be born there. And Hoseok knew well that feeling that was beginning to seep inside him without his permission. Jealousy. He didn't know of who, if it was Jimin or Jungkook.
Ah! Who was he trying to fool? It was obvious that it was Jungkook. The younger man returned, and proceeded to ignore his presence while becoming friends with his own closest friend at the moment. It was a bad feeling, bitter fall down the throat. But he couldn't help it.
- Make yourself comfortable. - He said to Jungkook, and preferred to concentrate on his drawing rather than trying to have a cordial conversation with the other, knowing that he would be discouraged before he got too excited.
Two whole minutes passed before Hoseok could no longer control himself and looked at the other sitting on the sofa in front of him. He tried not to stare for too long, but it was difficult. Jungkook looked so beautiful. That blond hair held back by a thin tiara. Since his appearance that night in his studio Hoseok had witnessed what time had done to Jungkook. And time had been good to him. The skinny boy who left for the other side of the world, came back with a body structure to impress anyone. The tattooed arms. He looks gorgeous. Breathtaking.
Hoseok stared a few more times, until he was caught in one of them.
- What? - Jungkook asked looking at him, there was no bite in his voice, just plain curiosity.
- N-nothing. S-sorry. - He lowered his head to the device resting on the dark marble.
His face and ears were hot with embarrassment.
- I-I'll go see if Jimin is finished. - He said, inventing something to get out of there. The silence was too uncomfortable.
- No need. - Jungkook spoke before he left the place and approached where Hoseok was standing, making the older man's eyes widen and sweat begin to bead on his hands. - What are you drawing? - He asked, already looking at the tablet there.
- N-nothing much. Just something that popped into my head.
Jungkook evaluated the drawing, which consisted of two close faces, particularly nose and mouth, lips touching as if kissing, the drawing was created in thin lines, but there was a square shape placed above one part of the drawing, and the part inside this geometric shape was drawn realistically. The lips, little glimpses of teeth and skin were so well done that it looked like a black and white photo. Beautiful.
- It's very beautiful.
- Really? Do y-you think so? - Hoseok asked eagerly.
- Yes, I have always thought your work was perfect.
- Do you really know my work? - he asked in a thread of voice.
- Yes, I really like your style.
- T-thank you. Really. - he suddenly replied shyly.
- No problem.
They were silent for a moment. And Hoseok thought that was it. Jungkook would no longer speak to him, and the way he ignored him would return.
- Hoseok.
Hoseok was slightly startled by Jungkook's abrupt tone. He seemed anxious.
- Yes?
- Are you going to give me the presents that you bought for me?
- W-what? What are you t-talking about? - Hoseok felt his soul escape from his body at that moment, his skin turned pale, and his eyes looked as if they would pop out of his face.
- Namjoon told me about the presents in your closet.
- I'm going to kill Namjoon! - he grumbled, cursing his friend internally. - I'm sorry about this Jungkook, I know it's weird. You weren't supposed to know.
- Why, you weren't planning to give it to me?
- Jungkook, I thought I would never see you again. I don't know why i kept doing it, i just... I don't know, i can't explain it. But it would be fucking weird if i broke up with you and then showed up handing you several gift packages that i bought for you after everything i did. And you also don't even talk to me properly, have already made it clear that you don't want anything else from me, it doesn't make sense give you those things. I'm really sorry about that, I know it's weird. - Sighed defeated as he finished speaking.
Jungkook said nothing more.
The two heard Jimin's voice approaching, at which point Jungkook moved closer to Hoseok at the counter.
- You bought them for me. And I want to receive them. If you want to give them to me. - He looked into Hoseok's eyes, who was already staring at him in amazement. Hoseok could only nod, without blinking.
Jungkook walked away when Jimin appeared with the client who was in his office.
- Until the next session Yejin, and remember to be careful. - Jimin spoke as he led the cat-eyed girl to the exit and then turned to Jungkook. - Sorry for the delay, hyung, it took longer than I thought.
- It's okay, Minnie. Are you ready to go?
- Yes! Hobi-hyung, I'm leaving. Call me if anything happens.
- Okay.
- Is everything ok? - Asked Hoseok who looked a little lost.
- Yes, go ahead Ji.
- Ok... - he looked from Hoseok to Jungkook, then headed for the door, followed by Jungkook.
But before passing through the door, Jungkook quickly returned.
- And keep this drawing, maybe I'll ask you to tattoo on me. - He smiled at an impressed Hoseok and then left.
Hoseok was paralysed.