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I’m not sure what I was expecting Sebastian to say, but I sure as hell didn’t think he’d reach up and pull off a wig.
One second, I was staring into the disarmingly blue eyes that had taken my breath away more than once - the next, he ( she ) was defiantly tossing back a tangled chestnut mane that put my hair to shame. Even while I was trying to process what she’d said - that she was Viola, Sebastian’s twin sister, who had assumed his identity for the last two weeks - I couldn’t do anything but stare as she shook out her locks at what seemed like cinematic half-speed.
And, God help me, when the headmaster challenged her and she lifted up her shirt… I had fantasized about Sebastian, sure, but one look at Viola’s boobs and… well, I’d probably be thinking about those later that night.
What the hell? I thought I’d gotten past this!
As she tugged her jersey back down, not even a little embarrassed, the entire soccer team seemed to snap out of their titty stupor and backed away to resume their positions. Based on the way Duke was gazing at her, I had a feeling I wouldn’t need to worry about him chasing me anymore.
As she tossed the wig off the field, Viola glanced my way and practically winced. She lifted a hand and half-waved, then cast her eyes down and started jogging after her team.
It couldn’t just… end like this, right? Was I just supposed to forget how crazy I’d been about “Sebastian” this whole time?
My throat felt like it was coated in chalk, but I managed to squeak, “Wait!”
She froze, shoulders hunching defensively, and slowly turned my way.
“Olivia, I’m…”
“Here.” I peeled the spare hair tie from my wrist and held it out to her.
After staring at my hand like it was going to reach up and slap her (which was probably fair), she slowly took the hair tie, brushing my hand just a little. Glancing back up to my face, her eyes softened and the side of her mouth curved curled up nervously. It was the same look I’d seen when we first met, the time we’d bumped into each other outside the headmaster’s office. Before I could try and decipher the smile, she turned and ran onto the field, pulling her hair into a haphazard ponytail along the way.
For the rest of the game, I could barely pay attention to which team had the ball, much less who was winning. Viola’s face scrunched into one of intense concentration as she dribbled back and forth, totally self-assured. With a sinking feeling, I realized that I was even more drawn to her than I had been to her “brother.”
Of course, the one time I liked a guy and thought maybe I was normal after all, and he turned out to be a she.
The guys at school were inexplicably into me. I think the fact that I didn’t want to date any of them just added to the unattainable allure or whatever. And yeah, Duke was cute, but when my friends talked about drooling over his abs, I just nodded along mutely, feeling like a complete idiot.
I thought I had this handled. As soon as Sebastian had first rolled over to my station in Chem, unabashedly corny and self-aware, my heart finally did that fluttering thing they talk about in books. It was all I could do to hide my overwhelming relief. Those other times - the best friend in fifth grade I kissed for no reason, the girl in my old English class that made me blush uncontrollably, my weird fixation on Angelina in the Lara Croft movie - clearly they were just flukes. Here I was, this perfectly normal teenage girl starting to fall for a funny, sweet, red-blooded teenage boy. (Like Avril said, can I make it any more obvious?)
As the days dragged on, talking to him was one of the things I most looked forward to (even on Pizza Wednesday). The few times I tried to give him a Look (not that I have any idea how to flirt), he got flustered and changed the subject to Duke and why I should let him take me out sometime. Was he too nervous to actually take the lead? Was he just trying to let me down gently? Did it just make him uncomfortable?
I sat there racking my brain, alternating between wondering why the only guy I was interested in wasn’t pursuing me and feeling like a conceited jackass for assuming I would be his type at all. And to think, the problem wasn’t Sebastian’s lack of attraction, it was that he was actually a girl the whole time!
As Viola positioned herself for a penalty kick, I finally realized that the whole time, the main reason I’d probably fallen for Sebastian was that he wasn’t a guy. I had known he was different, sensitive, but it was really Viola’s soft face and dorky smile that drew me in.
The crowd roared and stood in their seats. I jumped to join them, cheering when I spotted some of the guys hoisting Viola onto their shoulders triumphantly. We had won.
But I was still so lost.
After a flurry of movement, I found myself facing Duke, Viola, and another guy who had to be related to her. The real Sebastian.
Almost shyly, Viola introduced us. Real Sebastian stepped forward and took my hand, grinning just like his sister. They had so many of the same features, but his eyes, his smile, his befuddled expression… all of them looked better on her.
Avoiding my gaze, Viola looped her arm through Duke’s and they took off toward the coach.
Of course. She ends up with Duke, and I end up with Real Sebastian, and they all lived heterosexually ever after.
“So,” Real Sebastian said with a shit-eating grin, “I heard you like my songs.” He slipped his arm around me and started leading me back toward the school.
“Um… yeah.” And I did. The lyrics I had grabbed from Viola’s hand were emotional and heartbreaking. He really was a talented songwriter. But that didn’t mean I cared about him in that way . That wasn’t what had pulled me into My Sebastian’s orbit.
“Listen, Sebastian…” I must have tensed my shoulders because his arm dropped immediately. “I think you’re cool, but I don’t really know you…”
“Right. Sorry, I’ve been told I tend to come on pretty strong.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his cargo shorts. “But, you know, when a girl runs up and kisses me before I even know her name, it gives a guy a certain idea.”
He glanced up with a sheepish look that had just enough mischief to show he was joking. I chuckled nervously, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Yeah, sorry about that. I… thought you were your sister, I guess?”
Real Sebastian laughed. “Yeah, from what I hear, she has way more game with the ladies than I do!”
You have no idea .
I tried to glance back casually, eventually spotting Viola and Duke. They weren’t holding hands, but they were smiling and walking very close together.
“So are you doing that debutante thing?”
My head whipped back around. “Um, yes, actually. It’s super awkward, but I promised my mom.” Crap, that was tomorrow!
“Oh trust me, I get that.” Real Sebastian cracked another smile. “Mom practically has to tie Viola down to get her into a dress.”
Abruptly, I stopped walking. Viola was part of the debutante ball! I had known she was there when my friends complained about her slipping in late to our meetings all the time, but I hadn’t made the connection before now…
“Olivia?” Real Sebastian looked back, bewildered. Feeling the heat rise to my cheeks, I picked up the pace until I caught up with him.
“Hey, do you want to go as my escort? Just as friends,” I added hastily.
“Sure?” His eyebrows furrowed for a second, but he shrugged off his confusion and placed his hand lightly on my shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Friends it is!”
I breathed a sigh of relief. There, just like any dutiful Southern belle I would have a nice boy escorting me onstage. My mother would be over the moon - hell, if she could see me now, strolling companionably with Real Sebastian, she probably would have sent a mass email to everyone in the family gushing about how I was finally normal.
Of course, I wasn’t. Maybe it looked like we were hitting it off, but all I could think about was that the next day, I would get to see Viola - in a dress .
***
The dressing room was chaos.
For a dozen girls who were preparing to enter society as “ladies,” there was enough cursing and squabbling to make the instructor shit bricks. There were so many girls in white dresses fluttering around, you’d have thought it was some kind of warped mass wedding. Add in the globs of makeup and brittle egos, and things were not looking good for the 2006 Consuelo County Debutante Ball.
I tried to flatten against the wall as I twisted myself into the lacy number my mom had talked me into. Thankfully, it didn’t have a bridal look, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t resemble some kind of girls’ Easter chic.
When the coordinator finally came in and chirped as aggressively as she could at us, things started to settle down. That’s when I finally saw her.
Viola’s long, dark hair tumbled over her shoulders in soft waves. Her sporty tan beautifully contrasted the silk spaghetti-strap slip dress clinging to her slight curves. When her thickly lined eyes landed on me, her mouth curved up into that familiar smile and my chest felt like it had just been squeezed into a corset. After muscling her way through the other debutantes, she leaned against the wall next to me.
“God, this is worse than last year’s semi-finals.” She crossed her arms tightly around herself, but not before I glimpsed the outline of her very obvious breasts through the whisper-thin fabric. While she rubbed at the goosebumps on her arms, I tried to ignore the metaphorical ones in my -
“So my brother is your date, huh?”
“Uh… yeah.” I cleared my throat. “He’s not my Sebastian, but…”
Viola smirked, suddenly fascinated by Kelly Richards plucking her eyebrows. “I thought you guys would hit it off. We Hastings twins are supposed to be quite the catch.”
“Well, I mean, it’s not like that. We’re just going as friends.”
Her eyebrow raised slightly but she didn’t look at me.
“Are you going with Duke?”
“Well, I asked him, but who knows if he’ll show. He’s still pretty mad at me.” She shrugged and started chewing on her thumbnail.
She’d done the same thing during quizzes in Chem. The reminder of when we’d just been a boy and a girl, lab partners with great *chemistry* (I had to) knocked me in the throat.
But… you can’t fake that kind of connection. She may have been playing Sebastian, but there’s no I completely manufactured his - her - interest in me. There was something there.
Something worth exploring.
In a weird sense of bravado, I made the hasty decision to say something before I could talk myself out of it.
“Viola, I’m not interested in Sebastian. I used to be, back when he was… well, you.”
Her huge blue eyes slid over to me, almost in alarm. But at this point, I just had to get everything off my chest.
“Your brother is great, but he’s not you. When I first met you - well, I thought you were too good to be true. I…” Slowly, I reached forward and gently placed a hand on her still-folded arm. “I fell for you . And ever since I found out you’re a girl, and the lengths you went to prove yourself… it hasn’t gone away. If anything, I like you even more.”
Viola had completely frozen, eyes trained on mine. I found myself holding my breath, waiting for her to say something, to react in some way.
“Ok, ten minutes, ladies! Go find your escorts!”
A renewed fervor swept the room as the other girls rushed to add their finishing touches. One of them jostled Viola, breaking our weird stalemate. Quick as a flash, she lowered her gaze and slipped into the crowd. By the time the dressing room was cleared, she was gone.
Well, what did I expect? For her to suddenly profess her love for me and sweep me into a passionate kiss?
Stupid.
Feeling myself turning bright red, I hurried from the room to find Sebastian. Real Sebastian.
I didn’t have to go far. He was standing awkwardly with his hands in his pockets, tie loosened just enough to let his Adam’s apple bob nervously. When he spotted me, his eyebrows shot up appreciatively, then immediately furrowed when he realized I could see him.
Wordlessly, we linked arms and took our place in line. A few times, it seemed like he wanted to start up some small talk or make a snarky remark, but when he saw my face he clammed up, and I didn’t blame him.
I hadn’t even really thought about the repercussions of my confession to Viola. Did I completely screw things up? Could we pretend this never happened? Or would she refuse to even be friends with me after this?
Stupid, stupid, stupid .
And yet… I was relieved.
This thing that had followed me around for years… I had never told anyone. Never even hinted at it. The way my friends treated that girl Annie in middle school, calling her Dyke-asaurus and relentlessly harassing her in the locker rooms… That shit was hard to forget. Sent me right back into the closet, deeper than before. I’d been afraid to even agree if one of them said another girl was pretty, sure I’d be found out.
But now, I’d told. Not a dramatic coming out or profession of true love, but I’d said something. And the dressing room hadn’t imploded. The girls hadn’t all turned on me with torches and pitchforks.
Of course, the one person whose opinion meant the most to me had immediately run away…
“Olivia.”
My head snapped up. Viola was back, as if I’d summoned her using some kind of lesbian witchcraft, and her gaze was searing into mine. She shot a look at Sebastian before grabbing my arm and yanking me back to the dressing room. (How the hell did she get so strong? Her sport was soccer!)
Once we were inside, she quickly shut the door behind us, and my heart was pounding in my ears. After a moment of stunned silence from both of us, she cracked a small smile. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I breathed, starting to feel light-headed.
“I promised Duke I’d set you up.”
Huh?
“That’s why I started talking to you. He said that if I talked him up, he’d help me make it to first string.”
“Oh.” So she hadn’t even wanted to get to know me? It was all for Duke ?
“But I didn’t really hold up my end of the deal. After a few days, I realized that he didn’t even know you. Not… like I did.” She swallowed and it occurred to me that she was way more nervous than she seemed. “I told myself that I was jealous because I was into Duke. But… I wasn’t. And when I realized… I didn’t know how to process it. That’s why I was acting so weird. I didn’t think it was possible for you to like me that way.”
The AC kicked on and she hugged herself, squirming in her dress, but her intense stare never left me. I couldn’t have looked away if I’d wanted to.
“Honestly, I thought that when you found out the truth, you’d hate me. I misled you for weeks . I almost didn’t show up tonight.”
I couldn’t help but shiver slightly, and she noticed. Slowly, she approached and reached out hesitantly to run her hand along my arm.
“I’m glad I did.”
A tiny swell of (almost foreboding) hope had slowly been rising in my chest, ever since she’d pulled me into the dressing room. Now, the pressure had built so much that steam was practically shooting out of my ears.
“So,” I managed to squeak, “Duke…?”
“I just talked to him.” Her hand slid down to gently hold mine. “And I was very clear that I looked forward to being his friend and teammate… that’s it.”
Her other hand reached up and tucked some stray hair behind my ear, showing off my mom’s gaudy diamond earrings, and stroked her thumb along my cheekbone.
“So,” she whispered, eyes gleaming. “What do you think?”
Think? I had lost all ability to think since she’d touched me.
And then our mouths closed that unbridgeable gap, all wet heat and tongues and sticky lip gloss. She messed up the hairdo I’d painstakingly arranged, and her eyeliner was smudged, and at some point one of us lost a shoe. But it was happening.
And for once, my brain was blissfully silent.
At some point, the door burst open and Real Sebastian stumbled in, his semi-panicked expression morphing into shock. “Oh. Uh… sorry?”
I expected Viola to spring away to save face, but she barely even glanced at him. Clearly she would have no problem skipping the entire debutante debacle, but… With a groan, I took a step back.
“Crap. I have to… I mean, I’d love to stay here, but my mom is so excited about this stupid thing. She dragged my grandma along too.”
“Ugh, you’re right. I’ve put my mother through enough, the least I could do is walk across the freaking stage.” Viola squirmed again, tugging at her dress. “I wish I’d worn something else, though. This dress does basically nothing.”
Sebastian wordlessly slipped out of his blazer and draped it over her shoulders. Seeing Viola in her brother’s clothes was so oddly familiar I couldn’t help but laugh.
“After two weeks of seeing you in a soccer jersey, it’s really weird seeing you in a dress.”
“Well, it feels weird. The last two weeks have actually been great for me, style-wise. I’ve never felt more comfortable. Turns out people don’t expect boys to go around worrying about dresses and makeup and not having a hair out of place.”
“I gotta admit, you rocked that Illyria uniform way better than any of those guys.”
Viola turned to Sebastian and the two of them exchanged some creepy twin stare. After a few seconds, they bolted to the opposite corner of the dressing room.
Four minutes later, I stood in the wings, stomach churning. I caught a glimpse of Viola opposite me, sticking her tongue out.
When the announcer called my name, I strode as purposefully as I could to meet my escort in the center of the stage. For her part, Viola looked way more at home in her brother’s suit than she had in that ghost of a dress. She held out her elbow formally and I looped my arm through, just like a proper debutante.
As we made our way down the catwalk, my nerves were going crazy - the thrill of walking along Viola and the pure gay panic at being seen With A Girl wrestled for my attention. But mostly, I was consumed by an overwhelming sense of how right it felt to finally stand in front of the crowd without hiding behind some boy. I got to be me. And it felt pretty damn great.