Chapter Text
“How many injuries have you hidden from me over the years?” Ava asked as she cleaned Beatrice’s shoulder wound. The hurt in her face was unmistakable, and Beatrice added another bit of guilt to a pile she thought could grow no further.
“More than I could count,” replied Beatrice in a whisper. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s just hard not to feel stupid.” Ava shook her head, but stayed focused on Beatrice’s shoulder, not daring to make eye contact. “I should have noticed. I’m the one who should be apologising.”
“Ava, no.” Another layer of guilt. “I went to great lengths to hide this part of my life from you.”
“Yeah, but a friend should see through that.”
“Please. Don’t do this to yourself. If anyone should be apologising, it’s me.”
“Is this… Is this at least the first time you’ve been shot?” Now Ava finally looked up from her work. There were tears in her eyes and Beatrice’s guilt truly knew no bounds.
“I don’t want to answer that…”
“So, no, then.”
“Do you remember Camila’s wedding?” Beatrice asked quietly. She, of course, remembered it well. It had been a summer wedding, warm and beautiful, at a vineyard. And Beatrice remembered Ava most of all. She wore a beautiful green dress, and the sun seemed to shine a little brighter on Ava than anyone else that day. To say Beatrice was distracted the entire time would have been a massive understatement.
“Yes, why?” Ava raised an eyebrow. “I remember it being hot as hell, and I remember giving you a hard time because you wouldn’t do shots with me.”
“Yes, you were very adamant about it.” Despite the circumstances, Beatrice couldn’t help but smile.
“And I stand by that, I want to meet drunk Beatrice.” Ava returned said smile, and Beatrice felt herself blush. “But I’m confused what this has to do with anything?”
Instead of immediately replying, Beatrice rolled up her pant leg, revealing a nasty scar on her calf, with a clearly defined entry and exit wound. Ava ran a hand over Beatrice’s leg, clearly unaware of the effect such an action would have on Beatrice. Breathing suddenly became more difficult than it already was in the tight bathroom.
“This happened two days before the ceremony.” Beatrice finally managed. “Which is why I wore a suit.”
“So I missed out on drunk Beatrice and the opportunity to see you in a dress?” Ava frowned. “The universe is cruel sometimes.”
“I’m sure another event will come up.”
“Is that why you didn’t want to take shots with me? Painkillers for your gunshot wound ?” Shaking her head, Ava continued. “I don’t remember you limping.”
“Half the reason, yes. I’m not partial to getting drunk regardless, it can be dangerous.” Beatrice hated how boring she sounded, but she kept herself on an incredibly tight leash. An anxious, tense leash.
“That’s no fun.” Ava muttered as she covered Beatrice’s shoulder. “Who shot you that time? And why?”
“I never knew his name. It was part of a territory grab that we all strongly discouraged Lilith from pursuing, Mary and Shannon especially. Their ceremony was interrupted by a rival, so it was a fair concern on their part.” Beatrice explained only the absolute basics, preferring to let Ava ask clarifying questions if she so desired. Despite Ava’s insistence that she wanted to know all the details, she had issues with some of the violence that Beatrice had experienced, though Beatrice didn’t understand why.
“In a way, it’s kind of cute. She was probably nervous and wanted the distraction.” Ava smiled, which Beatrice found odd. Lilith was not the kindest of souls, least of all to Ava, but still Ava found a way to see the best in people. It was a trait Beatrice definitely didn’t possess, no, she was far too sceptical.
“Definitely one way to see it, yes.”
“I think it’s nice.” Ava shrugged in a way that suggested she cared much more than she was letting on… Though Beatrice tried not to read too much into Ava’s body language. In fact, the less she thought about Ava’s body, the better. “And I’ll have to live vicariously through others, given my recent explosion of a love life… Unless you have something to tell me?” The mischievous smirk on Ava’s face made Beatrice’s heart pound.
“I’m single, Ava.” Sighing, Beatrice tried to match Ava’s mirth. “If that changes, I promise you’ll be the first to know.”
“Maybe if you talked to more people instead of working all the time you could bring home a nice man?” Ava laughed, while Beatrice worked to hide a wince. “And then I could listen to you get nervous about him, instead of you listening to me flounder over… Just about everything.”
“I can’t see that happening.” Beatrice wanted to scream, but instead kept her voice low. There was exactly one person that Beatrice had feelings for, and even though it was a complete impossibility, moving on felt impossible. In the back of Beatrice’s mind, there was always a small bit of hope, a hope that grew slightly brighter with JC out of the picture. “And I am nervous about other things, anyhow. I don’t have the capacity to be nervous about a partner on top of all that.”
“You don’t ever seem nervous, though.” Ava mumbled. She was cleaning the excess blood from the scrapes that covered Beatrice’s arm.
“There’s plenty that makes me nervous,” whispered Beatrice in reply. Just the contact between them was enough to make Beatrice feel as if her heart was in a blender. “I’m just… Bad at showing it.”
“Yeah, I know!” Here Ava laughed, and Beatrice couldn’t help but at least smile. “Trying to get you to emote is like trying to coax an emotion out of a rock.”
“Okay, I know there was a near death experience earlier today but words still hurt.” Beatrice joked. It was impossible to be mad at Ava, even if her words hit a little bit too close to home.
“Sorry, sorry.” She did not seem sorry at all. “I’m done.” Ava rose, packing away her medical supplies. “And I’ll be honest, I’d prefer not to do this again.”
“Oh.” Beatrice immediately took this as an insult, and given Ava’s reply, the hurt was probably evident on her face.
“Not like that!” Quick to amend, Ava continued. “I mean more in a ‘I’d prefer my best friend didn’t get hurt like this again’ way. This is not a healthy lifestyle.”
“Oh. No. It’s definitely not.” Beatrice shrugged and rose, quickly reaching her new bedroom. “But I’m better off than most in this line of work.”
“I feel like that’s not the most fair comparison, as in, most of them are dead… Or something like that.” Ava followed Beatrice into the bedroom as she spoke.
“Well…” That was exactly where Beatrice was going. “Yes.”
“Not to be dramatic, but I don’t want you to die.”
“Nor do I intend to die.” Beatrice opened her dresser, which was somehow here now… Unlike her second bed. Camila was such a meddler.
“That’s not like… A promise you can just make. ” Ava was beside her in a moment. As usual, her lack of respect for personal space made it hard for Beatrice to think. “Humans are fragile. I know. I see it everyday. It just takes one -”
“Ava. I know.” Beatrice shook her head and picked out a few pieces of clothing for Ava to wear as pyjamas. “I’m not blind to the reality here, just… It’s complicated.”
Wordlessly, Ava took the pyjamas from Beatrice’s too-tense grip, before retreating into the bathroom without a word. Unable to avoid feeling like she’d royally screwed up here, Beatrice quickly slipped into a clean outfit before Ava returned. With the burn of tears in her throat, Beatrice sat down on the edge of the bed. After a lifetime of making herself numb to the outside world, only now was it difficult.
Sighing, Beatrice laid down, on top of the blankets. There were a million worries running through her mind, each one louder and faster than the last. Ava’s safety was her primary concern. How could she be protected? Would Ava even agree to any sort of precautionary measures? Probably not… Realistically, what could Beatrice do to keep her safe? It was a horrible feeling of inadequacy, one that Beatrice knew well. Too well.
Her body ached. Beatrice put her hands over her face. The room was dim but it still felt entirely too bright.
“Are you okay?” Ava asked suddenly, from beside her. Beatrice was startled, she’d been so trapped in her own mind that she didn’t hear Ava approach, nor did she feel the slight shift in the bed as Ava sat beside her.
“I don’t know.” Lying felt like too much effort. And Beatrice didn’t want to lie anymore. But being truthful about her own humanity was somehow even more difficult than being honest about her crime-ridden past… And present… And future. “I don’t like how close you were to this. I feel guilty. Actually, guilty doesn’t feel like enough.”
“And I feel guilty about not recognising the signs of your occupation.”
“Those aren’t comparable.” Beatrice mumbled.
“Maybe not.” Ava reached over to turn off the light, before gently laying down beside Beatrice. “But in my mind, they are. Today was a one off, a dangerous one off, sure, but I never doubted that you’d be there. But I’ve missed the signs of your suffering for years. ”
“My suffering?”
“I mean, this isn’t a career for sane, well-adjusted people.” Ava paused, taking a deep breath as she did. She seemed infinitely more at ease, whereas Beatrice was painfully aware of every little detail. “And all these times I’ve been droning on about people at work I don’t like, or JC, or whatever… You’ve clearly been going through something.”
“I don’t see it like that.” In truth, Beatrice always appreciated the normalcy that Ava brought to the table.
“I feel like we could argue in circles about this for hours.”
“Yes, we could. You’re really stubborn.”
“Oh. Oh!” Ava laughed and turned onto her side. In the dark, Beatrice could only make out a vague silhouette, which she would still recognise anywhere. “You’re one to talk!”
“I’m not stubborn.”
“That’s what a stubborn person would say.”
“Oh my god.” Beatrice couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Ava had a way of taking the edge off that Beatrice admired and appreciated every time they interacted. “I don’t want to argue.” All at once, Beatrice grew more serious. She thought about what could have been, what could have happened if she’d been a few seconds slower. She also reflected, again, on the anger Beatrice felt she deserved from Ava. It was a massive secret that she’d kept for way too long… And not long enough.
“Me neither. But I don’t have the energy for a serious conversation, either. Near death experiences are tiring.” Ava spoke with the cadence of a joke, but Beatrice got the innate sense that it wasn’t a joke at all.
“We don’t need to talk at all, it’s okay.” Beatrice sighed. The feeling of Ava next to her, even without a single point of contact, was one that she’d never forget. “It’s late.”
“You’re right.” Ava moved again, settling into a presumably more comfortable position. “Goodnight, Beatrice.”
“Goodnight.” Beatrice felt odd. Ava’s presence beside her was undeniably anxiety-inducing. Simultaneously, it was the calmest she’d felt in months. “And tomorrow we need to make a plan about how you’re going to work and travel safely… And I’m deeply sorry that it’s a conversation we even need to have.”
“And I’m sure there’s no way I can just tell you I’m fine, right?” Ava laughed again, but it felt less genuine than before. Hell, it almost sounded nervous. “I mean, they wouldn’t try to kill me a second time, would they?”
“They would.” Two terrible, terrible, honest words.
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry.”
For several minutes, there was only silence. Beatrice focused on her own heartbeat, loud enough in her ears that she almost couldn’t hear Ava’s breathing.
“Bea?”
“Yes?”
“Would you walk away from all this if you could? I know… I know it’s not that easy. But if I could make a compelling case for it, maybe…?” Her words were laden with emotion, heartbreaking in a way Beatrice was unfamiliar with.
“I would try.” But for Ava, Beatrice would do a lot more than try.