Work Text:
The light at the end of the mess hall was flickering ever so slightly. Tuvok took a deep breath and put his irritation aside for later. Instead, he focused on the bastardisation of a plomeek salad that was in front of him.
"How do you like it? Taste like home?" Neelix asked, bustling over.
Tuvok considered the ramifications of telling Neelix his true feelings. It would probably hurt Neelix's sensibilities, and cause Neelix to try and start many meaningless conversations over the next few days about how he'd improved the salad.
"It is adequate," Tuvok settled on.
Neelix smiled. "I knew you'd like it! I'll make sure it becomes a regular on the menu,"
In retrospect, perhaps Tuvok had misjudged the situation. He did not want to have to eat this again.
Neelix scuttled away, and luckily no other crew member was foolish enough to bother Tuvok. It was still loud though, and Tuvok was acutely aware of the fact that there were at least twelve people all talking at once, having their own conversations in small groups. He took a deep breath and tried to finish his salad as quickly as possible. It would not be wise to leave before he had finished, as he needed the nutrients and had already used his replicator rations for the week.
It may not have been smart to use all his replicator rations at the beginning of the week, but Tuvok was getting behind on his meditation, and eating in his quarters allowed him to get in a few extra minutes.
Not that those few extra minutes had made any significant amount of difference, Tuvok mused as he finally left the mess hall. His hands were shaking slightly, and Tuvok knew that he desperately needed more meditation. In an ideal universe, after his mission with the Marquis he would have taken two years out to meditate on what had happened and process his feelings around it. But this wasn't an ideal universe and his feelings were starting to pile up.
It was starting to become an issue. Tuvok now found that if he tried to do two shifts back to back, he was becoming irritable and even snappish by the end. He simply did not have the capacity to categorically store those feelings away for later. It was as if his mental box that he kept his emotions in was getting full- and an hour or two of meditation every day only allowed him to remove a few items from the top. He did not have time to process the big feelings that were taking up so much room underneath.
Finally Tuvok made it to his quarters. The warmth greeted him, and he felt his body relax minutely. It was always so cold in space, and although he knew that humans found typical Vulcan temperatures uncomfortable, sometimes Tuvok wished that they could keep the ship a little warmer. Illogical really; the needs of the many always outweighed the needs of the few, and as there were more humans on this ship than any other species it made sense to keep the ship at a temperature comfortable for them.
Tuvok decided to focus on that wistfulness though, as he settled down to meditate. It certainly wasn't a particularly big feeling to work on, but he only had a few hours before he needed to sleep if he wanted to get an adequate amount of rest. It would be unproductive to try and work on some of the big feelings when they would only keep him awake for many hours.
So, the wistfulness. Tuvok examined it. Did it stem from jealousy over the human's tolerance for lower temperatures? No. It was simply a biological difference. Maybe he wished that Vulcans were more abundant on the ship? No, that wasn't it either. Tuvok had served on multiple majoritively human vessels before and never felt like this before. Perhaps he needed to attack this from another angle. How did the warmth make him feel? Ah. There it was. Home. It seemed he was redirecting his feelings of homesickness (that were perfectly logical. All members of the crew were homesick), into a wistfulness for warmth.
Tuvok let out an audible sigh. The Vulcan way of meditation would now dictate that he examine his feelings of homesickness and start to process them. Unfortunately, that would take a lot more time than Tuvok currently had. It would mean dissecting his fears about their current situation in minute detail, categorising each one, discarding the illogical ones and taking time to process the others. It would mean hours upon hours of him coming to terms with their current situation, and making peace with the fact that he was going to miss many years of his children's development. No, it simply wasn't feasible to touch on that right now.
Whilst he knew it was inadvisable as a long term solution, Tuvok pushed his feelings aside. He needed to be focused and in the present, so that he could do the best job he possibly could to help the captain.
…
Tuvok was unsure of what was happening. It was a few days later, and they had just recovered the captain, ensign Kim and lieutenant Torres from a hostage situation. The shifts had changed, and although Tuvok had already worked the last three shifts, Lieutenant Baxter was in the medical bay receiving treatment, so Tuvok was covering for him.
Tuvok found that his body was being uncooperative. At first, it was a slight shake of his hands. Then, he realised that his heart was beating much too fast. Tuvok tried to take a deep breath to steady himself, only to find his breath catch in his throat. He felt- scared. That wasn't right. Tuvok tried to push the feeling aside. He could meditate on what had caused it later.
It didn't work.
Tuvok was vaguely aware that his body was panicking- he needed to regain control. He tried to continue his work, but his fingers were shaking too much. Right. Okay. Time to leave the bridge. He was of no help to anyone like this.
Tuvok turned and walked towards Janeway's ready room. He knew the captain wouldn't mind if he used it for a few minutes of impromptu meditation.
It was calmer in Janeway's ready room. Perhaps because Tuvok was alone. He tried to take another deep breath, which also caught in his throat, before sinking to the floor. Tuvok was planning on meditating, he really was, but somehow he found himself curled up, back to the wall, frozen in place. It was like he couldn't move. Tuvok vaguely thought about calling sick-bay, but a part of him rebelled. He was a Vulcan, he had complete control over his body. He could get through this alone.
Tuvok closed his eyes, and tried to enter a meditative state. He just needed a moment to calm down, to understand why his body was reacting like this… There was a lot of fear, panic even. What had caused it? And why was he having so much difficulty distancing himself from it? He didn't know. It was like his mind was frozen as well as his body. Tuvok felt like he was barely even there- his panic had wrestled control of his body from him and now he was a mere observer. It was very disconcerting.
"Tuvok, Tuvok you need to breath,"
Tuvok opened his eyes to see the captain crouching next to him, worry apparent in her eyes. When had she got here?
"Come on, it's all right now," Janeway continued, almost as if she was talking to a child. "Try to relax. Tell me, what things can you hear right now?"
Tuvok tried to reply. He wanted to brush her off, reassure Janeway that he was fine. But he found that his voice wouldn't work. He couldn't speak.
"Should I call the doctor?" Janeway asked.
Tuvok just about managed to shake his head.
Janeway nodded. "I already scanned you with a tricorder. There is nothing wrong with you physically, so I can only assume this is a panic attack,"
Vulcan do not have panic attacks, Tuvok wanted to bite back, all the while knowing that wasn't true. Whilst rare, it was known that if one did not properly process their emotions, and continued to repress them for long periods of time, then this could be the result. It was unfortunate. Tuvok thought that he was ontop of it.
Janeway fully sat down next to him. "Can I touch you?" she asked.
Tuvok nodded.
Janeway gently put a hand on his shoulder, and for some reason, Tuvok felt very slightly better.
"It's going to be alright," Janeway reassured. "We're going to get through this and we're going to get home. Everything will be alright,"
"The odds of that are- not in our favour," Tuvok managed. Huh. His voice had come back, even if he sounded a little hoarse.
Janeway looked at him with those mournful human eyes. "Perhaps not- but we simply cannot give up hope,"
Tuvok nodded. "I have not- given up hope as you say. This is but a momentary lapse in functionality. With- With a few hours of meditation I can assure you that I will be back to normal,"
"Is that really true?" Janeway asked. "Tuvok, I know that Vulcans prioritise logic over everything, and that you make an effort to distance yourself from your emotions… but I have to ask. Are you really alright?"
He was fine. The answer was right there. Easy words that Tuvok has said a hundred times before. But somehow, today, sitting in Janeway's office feeling so vulnerable- he couldn't find it in him to lie.
"The amount that has happened over the last few months would require years of meditation to process," Tuvok settled on. "Sadly, that is not a luxury I have,"
"So, what have you been doing instead?" Janeway asked.
"I meditate every night before bed. Up until now, that has been sufficient to continue functioning at an acceptable level,"
"Have you thought that maybe you need to start processing your emotions another way?" Janeway asked. "If the Vulcan meditation is not sufficient right now, perhaps you need to find other outlets for your emotions?"
Tuvok eyed Janeway warily. "Emotions run deep within my race. You know that. It is why I must put logic above all else, lest I lose control. Human techniques for managing emotions would be ineffective- and could even be dangerous,"
"What about a Vulcan mind-healer?" Janeway offered. "They are your equivalent of councillors, are they not?"
"And where do you propose we find a Vulcan mind-healer in the delta-quadrant?" Tuvok could not help but snap back.
"The holodeck," Janeway replied.
Tuvok raised an eyebrow.
"I know, I know, it's not nearly as good as the real thing, but many of the crew aboard this ship having been making use of the human counselling programs on the holodeck. It's not an instant fix, and it's not perfect, but it gives them a safe space to talk and vent,"
"You do realise that a big part of Vulcan mind-healing takes place within a mind meld," Tuvok stated. "Unfortunately, I cannot mind meld with a hologram,"
Janeway sighed. "Right. But what if you just talked to someone?"
"I do not see how that would help,"
"Instead of merely thinking your emotions through and putting them into logical boxes, what if you got some feedback? You could have someone help you categorise them," Janeway argued.
"I will… consider it," Tuvok conceded.
"And you know," Janeway said, "You can always talk to me. There many aboard this ship who care about you Tuvok, and in times such as these it is vital that we support each other,"
"I appreciate the sentiment," Tuvok managed.
"Do you feel any better now?" Janeway asked.
How interesting. Tuvok did feel a lot better. He was no longer shaking and he could feel like he could actually breathe. And he felt a lot more present. "It seems this talking may have some merit to it,"
Janeway gave Tuvok's shoulder another squeeze. "What did I tell you? Now, let's go and get you something to eat,"
"I am not currently in need of sustenance," Tuvok replied. "I can wait until the end of my shift,"
"I find that panic attacks tend to take a lot of energy," Janeway replied. "And I think the bridge can manage without a security officer for the last half an hour of the shift. Now come on- if nothing else you need rest. Don't think I didn't notice that this would have been your fourth shift in a row. When was the last time you slept?"
"Fourty-eight hours and six minutes ago," Tuvok responded.
Janeway looked unimpressed. "Do I need to order you to take a break?"
"No captain. I will make sure it does not happen again,"
Janeway sighed. "I know I'm not really one to talk, but please try to look after yourself,"