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That Friday morning starts out like - well, not any other, because she spends it at the gynaecologist’s getting her uterus inspected and making weird chat with the doctor because she has no idea what she’s doing. But it’s normal, as far as normal gets. And when she gets back to the office, Julie and Charlotte are grinning and practically shoving her in front of her laptop to check her emails, and it turns out that shit-hole Business Pioneer interview has actually gotten them amazing press, so it’s good. Shona is still riding that high an hour later, working with Charlotte on Google Docs discussing how they can capitalise on their unexpected fortune. She’s beaming when Aine walks into her office and drops down into a chair - it’s a surprise, but she’s already had a good one this morning, so how bad can this one be?
“I’ve got something to tell you, but you have to promise not to freak out,” says Aine, no preamble.
The good feeling starts to slip away, replaced by alarm bells. “Okay,” Shona replies before she can think better of it. “What is it?”
“Um,” Aine says, looking tongue-tied in a way Shona hasn’t seen her since Mammy caught her drinking with her mates in their garden when she was fifteen. “Well, I’m pregnant.”
Shona freaks out.
“Thanks for letting Charlotte and Julie find out before Mammy did,” Aine says sarcastically, thirty minutes later. Shona has a mug of tea in front of her kindly supplied by Julie and is taking several fortifying sips, shooting Aine a glare. “You were seriously expecting me to take the news without batting an eyelid? The news of my baby sister being pregnant?”
“I was expecting you not to scream so loudly Charlotte thought you were being murdered,” Aine retorts. “I’m pregnant, not dying. You didn’t scream half as loud when you actually did find me dying in your bathroom a year ago.”
Shona can feel a migraine rapidly coming on and takes a few deep breaths. “Don’t change the subject. What the hell’s going on? Did you just find out today?”
“Yeah,” Aine shrugs. “I’ve been throwing up a lot, and I got a little worried, so I went to see the doctor. Surprise, I guess.”
Bloody right, Shona thinks. “How far along are you?”
“Eight weeks. I think. I can’t be sure just yet.”
“You haven’t been seeing Richard eight weeks,” says Shona, before she can stop herself. Aine rolls her eyes, shooting Shona a deeply irritated look. “I am aware of that, Sho, thanks.” She pushes her fingers through her hair, leaning back into the chair and sighing. She doesn’t meet Shona’s eyes. “I think it’s Freddie’s, okay? God. Don’t freak out again, please, fuck’s sake.”
“I won’t,” Shona snaps back, although everything inside her is coiled to spring. Her head is in a whirl. “Are you - are you going to keep it? I mean - you don’t have to, you know. It’s your choice, obviously, I’m not - do you even want to - are you?”
“I’m not twelve, I know what an abortion is,” Aine testily replies, but it’s terse and distracted, no real annoyance in it. Shona knows Aine, watched her grow up, and knows how to read the drawn paleness of her face, her fingers curled in the fabric of her jumper, the stress and tension she’s hiding behind her usual snarky wit. Shona glances out from her office at Julie scanning documents by her desk and Charlotte with her head down, typing away, and tries to find the calm and delight from an hour ago. Aine’s nervous and scared, thrown into something that’s completely blindsided her. And the one thing Shona’s sure she knows how to do is be Aine’s big sister. She reaches across the table and cautiously squeezes Aine’s hand, feeling Aine twine their fingers together and hold on tight. “You know I’m here for you, right? No matter what. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“I know,” says Aine. Her smile is soft and rueful, familiar despite everything else that has suddenly shifted in their world. “Why do you think I told you first?”
Shona takes the rest of the day off, smiling mechanically as Julie and Charlotte wave goodbye with another smattering of congratulatory cheers to Aine. It feels natural to drive back to her old flat, dusty from being left empty a few weeks now but warm and familiar. She couldn’t imagine sitting down with Aine to talk things through anywhere else. Aine seems to relax a little more in the setting too, haltingly telling Shona about seeing Freddie again three months ago. “Don’t judge me,” Aine mutters, and Shona feels that gnawing guilt in her chest - she can’t possibly judge Aine, not after she spent a month of her own cheating on her fiance with her business partner, her best friend. “I won’t,” she says again. “I promise.”
Aine narrows her eyes, disbelieving, but continues. “I think it was - god, the day of your event. Ugh. I’d had this whole misunderstanding thing in the morning with Richard and it was just - I was feeling shitty, and I just went to see him. It was stupid. And then I found out he was seeing someone else, bloody prick, and the whole telling Charlotte thing I yelled at you about, and then Richard called me that night and I just honestly forgot it even happened.” Aine sighs, irritable. “Yeah. Sorry to overshadow your big day after all.”
Something like a laugh wants to bubble up inside Shona. Her big day, more than two months ago. The start of Trust Together, but also the start of something else. It’s funny, almost, that for both of them, it marked the day that something was going to change forever.
Shona wishes she could tell Aine, wishes she could be honest the way Aine has been with her. Wishes she could do it in a way where Aine wouldn’t be angry, wouldn’t curse her out on Vish’s behalf, and tell her to go fuck herself. Freddie’s a cheater, and Aine hates him for it, and Shona does too, and she feels like a hypocrite, but -
God, Charlotte.
She tries not to think about it.
“Would you think I’m stupid?” Aine asks, breaking Shona out of her reverie. “If I kept the baby?”
“Of course not,” says Shona, almost automatically. “It’s your choice, Aine, I said I’d support you, no matter what. You know I’ve always got your back.”
Aine tips her head back, leaning into Shona and reaching for her hand, holding tight. “Yeah. I’ve always got yours too.”
Shona thinks about Charlotte again, gut twisting, and wishes that could be true.
Shona ends up forgetting that Vish is due home from the States until she wakes up the next morning to her ringing cellphone. Aine is splayed out under the sheets and Shona has to shove her arm off her chest to roll over and pick it up. “Hello?”
“Hi baby,” Shona hears over the line. “Where are you? I just got back home from Heathrow, and you’re not here.”
He doesn’t sound annoyed, but Shona isn’t fooled. “Sorry. I’m with Aine.” It takes about a second for her to decide she’s definitely not breaking the news over the phone right now. “She’s going through something. I stayed with her last night.”
Vish’s tone is significantly more relieved. “Okay. I’ll see you at home later, then? I’ve missed you.”
“Yeah,” Shona replies, catching sight of Aine stirring beside her. “She’s awake, I’m going to - I’ll see you, bye.” She hangs up and turns to Aine, who blinks sleepily and yawns. “Was that Vish?”
“Yeah. He’s back from the States.”
“Oh, right, forgot about that. Well, you should head back, then. I probably should too. Brad’s probably wondering what happened to me.” Aine reaches clumsily for her own phone and checks her messages. “Yep. Aine did you die. Knew it.”
Shona laughs. Things feel a little lighter than yesterday, after they sat together in the living room and talked for hours. Aine’d cried a little bit, then eaten half the pint of ice cream Shona had ordered in with dinner and blamed it on the pregnancy hormones. She seems to be feeling more steadied now, and Shona’s cautiously optimistic it’ll stay that way. “Are you going to tell him?”
“Yeah,” says Aine, without looking at her. “And Mammy, and James, and Emma. Whoever. It’s stupid to try and hide it. You can tell Vish too, if you want.”
Shona pretends to miss the fact that Aine doesn’t mention Richard. “How about Freddie?”
There’s a long silence while Aine rolls herself out of bed and starts towards the bathroom. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay,” says Shona. She won’t push. “Hurry up in the bathroom, we can go out for breakfast and I’ll drive you home.”
“I want croissants!” Aine shouts from the bathroom. “You can’t say no to a pregnant woman!”
Vish greets Shona with an enthusiastic kiss when she walks through the door, and Shona does her best to smile into it and kiss him back. He said he missed her just now, and she supposes she did too. The house definitely feels less cold and clinical already. He’s got a box of snacks and souvenirs on the coffee table, obviously in the middle of sorting them out, and Shona gravitates towards them, because helping him feels preferable to talking about Aine right now. She knows Aine gave her permission to tell him, and she knows she should, but thinking about it reminds her of her own situation - their whole conversation about Gaya and her adopted children, and her visit to the gynaecologist, what he said about her uterus and how it makes her squirm in the light of day. It barely feels real yet, the idea of being an aunt. She doesn’t even know if Aine’s really going to keep the baby.
Vish does ask, though, even if it feels a little like an afterthought whilst they divide his snack stash between ‘keep’ and ‘give away’, and Shona doesn’t feel like lying. She’s done enough of that recently. She keeps it simple, just “Aine says she’s pregnant”, as casual as she can manage, but she doesn’t miss the shock on his face, unfettered. “Seriously? That was quick. I thought she only started seeing that guy a month ago - what’s his name? Richard?”
Shona grits her teeth and debates internally about saying more. “It’s not Richard’s,” she finally mutters, almost unwillingly. She feels annoyed at the way Vish raises his eyebrows, the doubt in his voice. “Freddie’s, then?”
“Don’t go around telling everyone in the office,” Shona warns, in lieu of an actual confirmation. “Aine isn’t sure yet. Or sure if she wants him to know.”
More eyebrow-raising. “He kind of has to,” Vish says. “He’ll be the kid’s dad, you know.”
“Aine isn’t even sure if she’s keeping it, all right? Leave it, please.”
Vish shrugs. “Fine. It’s still true, though, if she does. I mean, he at least deserves to know.”
Shona wants to shout that Freddie is a spineless, loudmouth, cheating little arseclown that doesn’t even deserve to lick Aine’s boots, but she holds back. She doesn’t want to fight with Vish less than a day after he’s come home, and more than that, she doesn’t want him to push the conversation further. She just doesn’t want to deal with it.
Shona doesn’t hear from Aine for a few days. She sends a text on Monday evening and spends all of Tuesday morning distracted, checking her phone every ten minutes hoping for a reply and not getting one. Find My Friends says Aine’s safe at home, but god knows what she’s doing and if she’s in a good headspace. It’s hard not to pry, and harder still not to worry.
“You okay?” Shona hears, and looks up to realise it’s ten past twelve and she’s late for a meeting she scheduled with Charlotte. Said business partner stands in front of her desk looking concerned. “I thought you were busy and wanted to postpone or something, but you were just staring off into space.” Charlotte gives her a searching glance. “Is it something to do with Aine?”
Shona hesitates for a second. Things are a lot better with Charlotte now, after their conversation the night of the Business Pioneer interview, but it still feels like there’s a wall between them, something that wasn’t there before they kissed, before their affair. Shona remembers a time when she told Charlotte - everything, almost. It felt so easy and natural. Everything was easy and natural with Charlotte. Was. Maybe she shouldn’t be talking to Charlotte about these things.
But - and everything feels like a but with Charlotte too.
“She hasn’t really been texting me back,” Shona finally says. “I’m a little worried.” She feels an uncomfortable twinge in her gut, remembering Charlotte’s jab about their codependency, wonders if a similar barb is coming - but Charlotte remains placid, expression open and neutral. “I’m assuming her pregnancy wasn’t exactly planned.”
Shona sighs. “Yeah. And who knows, she might still be annoyed at me for letting you and Julie find out all about it before our mother did.”
Charlotte flashes her a quick, amused grin, but her voice is gentle. “It must be difficult for her right now. I’m sure she knows she has your support. Maybe she just needs some time to herself.”
“I know,” says Shona, and she does. With another sigh she leaves her phone on her desk and grabs her laptop. “Sorry for delaying the meeting. Your office?”
“Sure.” Charlotte stands and exits with her, both of them walking in step. “And, hey. You can always talk to me, you know. We are still friends. I mean that.”
“I know,” Shona repeats, but this time, she isn’t sure she means it. Her chest hurts when she thinks too long about it. It’s easier to push it away.
Shona tries not to worry, and mostly succeeds for the rest of the day, but it’s still a huge relief when Aine finally texts back after dinner. I’m ok sorry for radio silence. Long complicated weekend can tell u abt it over dinner tmr??
I’ll come over?
yeah that wld be good
Okay I’ll be there after work.
Aine replies with a single smiley-face that’s a really far cry from her usual unapologetic barrage of emojis. Shona sighs. It’ll be hard to wait until tomorrow.
Aine’s apartment is empty the next evening when Shona comes over; Bradley is nowhere to be seen, apparently having cleared out to give Aine and Shona some privacy. He’s even made a simple dinner for them before leaving, which is really sweet. “He insisted,” Aine tells her, rolling her eyes, but clearly affectionately. “Apparently he’s ‘really good’ at cooking food for pregnant women because his Mam started him in the kitchen at seven and he helped make meals when she was pregnant with Poppy.”
“So you’ve told him?”
“I said I was going to, didn’t I?”
Shona gives her a sideways glance. “But you haven’t told our Mam yet?”
“Ugh,” Aine replies. She picks at her food, avoiding Shona’s gaze. “I just don’t want her to freak out too. I mean, what if she rushes down to London and insists on moving in with me for the next seven months?”
“You know she’s not going to do that, Aine.”
“I wouldn’t put anything past Mammy.”
Shona has to admit that is fair, but still. “I won’t push you, I promise. But you know she’d want to know, and - I mean, she was pregnant with me three months before she married Daddy. She’s the last person who’d judge you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I know Mammy’s not a conservative prude, Shona,” says Aine. “I’ll tell her, all right? Just give me some time. I’m still - god, it sounds so stupid. I’m still recovering. Ugh.”
Shona frowns, confused. “Recovering?”
Aine’s gaze drops again, and Shona watches her push more food around her plate. Her voice is quieter and shakier when she speaks again. “I broke up with Richard over the weekend,” she says. “I told him, and it was just - things were already going - not badly, but there was just some stuff that happened even before this, and the whole thing about professional boundaries, and having to think about my business with James, and about Etienne… and he’s just not ready, you know? It’s barely been half a year since Etienne came to live with him and he was struggling with that from the start, being a parent, and that’s with his own biological son he’s seen at least once a year for the past ten years. And we’ve only been dating for a month. He just said he can’t be responsible for another kid, not right now. Maybe not ever. And that’s so fundmentally - it didn’t make sense to try and prolong things or work them out.”
Aine’s crying by the time she finishes and Shona finds herself by her sister’s side before she even thinks about it, pulling Aine into an embrace and just letting her sob it out. Her heart aches for Aine, for how sensible and inevitable the decision was and how awful it must have been to make it anyway. It just all sounds so shite.
It takes a good five minutes before Aine calms down again, reaching for tissues and wiping her eyes. “We weren’t going to work out anyway,” she mumbles. “I liked him so much more before we started seeing each other. Like, as a person. Isn’t that weird?”
Shona shakes her head and wraps an arm around Aine’s shoulders, kissing her temple. “I’m really fucking proud of you,” she murmurs. “I know it was really, really hard.”
“Yeah. But it was the right decision. Even I know that.” Aine blows her nose and takes a deep, calming breath, trying to steady her voice. “I just wish being right wasn’t so fucking painful.”
Shona won’t lie; after the whole breakup fiasco, she’s a little worried about Aine falling back into the old patterns and getting back together with Freddie for the third time, especially when she hears through Vish and the office gossip that he’s single again. It’s a real relief when Aine makes it well clear that it’s never fucking happening, especially after his predictably shit reaction to Aine breaking the news to him.
“You could tell he was struggling not to beg me to get an abortion,” Aine snorts to Shona. She’s comfortably sprawled on the couch in Shona’s office waiting for her to finish an important email before they head out for dinner. “He’s probably desperate not to be on the hook for child support.”
Shona wants to retort that he shouldn’t have been a lying snake, but her own circumstances stay her tongue. “Fuck him,” she says instead. “I hope he keeps out of your life, and your kid’s. Who fucking needs him around? You’ll be a great parent on your own. And you’ll have a whole support system around you.”
Aine smirks; it’s a little watery, but still mischievous. “Yeah, it’s going to be your job to spoil this kid. And Vish’s too, I guess.” She sits up a little, suddenly interested. “I forgot to ask you about that. You told him, right? I got a congratulations text. How did he take it? Is he excited to be an uncle? What with him liking kids and whatnot.”
Shona feels her pleasant mood dissipating, and she focuses harder on her email than is strictly necessary. “We haven’t really talked about it. And he’s not really going to be ‘an uncle’, Aine.”
“He kind of will be once you two get married in five months,” Aine points out. “I’m not letting him off the hook just because he’s not an O’Keefe, you know.”
Thinking about the wedding makes Shona’s skin prickle. In the week since Vish’s been back, they haven’t talked that much about it because he’s been busy unpacking and resettling in the office after the extended departure from the UK. She wouldn’t tell Aine, but it’s been a really welcome change. It stressed her out from the start but it feels even less significant now, several orders less important or worth thinking about now that Aine’s going to have a baby. Shona has the nagging feeling that talking unclehood with Vish will lead to a conversation on fatherhood and she’s exhausted at the mere thought of going down that route again. Aine seems sure now about keeping the baby, seems to have settled on that decision after just a week, and Shona still isn’t sure how she’s done it, how there are things she’s worried about but that one decision isn’t one of them. She isn’t sure if she’ll ever feel that way.
Aine goes for her first ultrasound two weeks after she first breaks the news. Shona’s tied up in a very important client meeting and gets told off by Aine for wanting to plead familial responsibilities and get Charlotte to help cover her. It’s hard for her mind not to wander at the most tedious points of the meeting anyway; Shona’s lucky that Charlotte’s always been brilliant with the client-facing aspects of the business and carries the conversation flawlessly. Shona’s lucky, period, she knows. She’s pretty sure there’s a universe out there, where the breakdown of their friendship after their affair led to Charlotte quitting the company and leaving Shona to fend for herself, and Shona’s a hundred percent certain Trust Together folded in that universe not two weeks later. All other heartbreak and conflict aside - she’s lucky to be in this one.
The second they send the clients off into an elevator, Shona’s checking her phone to see if Aine’s sent any updates. Two short messages - all good! and ten weeks old confirmed lol - and a photograph. It’s black and white, blurry and confusing like all sonograms, Shona can’t actually tell what’s going on - but her heart leaps anyway, unbidden. It’s still early into the pregnancy but it feels real now in a way it wasn’t before. A little thing that’s growing and changing inside Aine, that will become Shona’s niece or nephew in a matter of months. It’s real.
Charlotte asks, “Shona, you good?” And Shona looks up, a little embarrassed that Charlotte’s caught her distracted again, but she’s smiling and curious. Shona shows Charlotte her screen so she can take a look at the sonogram. “Aine had her first ultrasound. She said ‘all’s good’.”
“That’s amazing,” Charlotte says, all smiles. “I’m glad everything’s going well for her.” Her smile widens to a grin. “I’m surprised you didn’t go to the ultrasound with her.”
Shona flushes. “I did want to,” she admits. “She told me off and said I couldn’t leave you to handle the client meeting alone. And, I mean, she was right. It would have been unprofessional of me. And I don’t think she really wanted me hovering anyway.”
Charlotte laughs, and it’s genuine, good-humoured. “I would’ve understood. But thank you. I appreciate it.”
“We’re partners,” Shona says, and suddenly realises she is glad that she didn’t ditch, didn’t leave Charlotte to shoulder the burden alone. She’s glad she didn’t let Charlotte down again. It’s nothing less than what she deserves.
Vish is pleased, too, when Shona gets home that evening and shows him the picture. “Bubs is going to be so excited about having a cousin,” he enthuses. “She won’t be the baby any more. And Anil won’t need to be stuck at the kids’ table every time we all have meals together.” He studies the sonogram more closely. “Ten weeks, Aine said? So she’ll still be good to attend our wedding, right? We can make sure she’s got comfortable transportation and a good seat and whatnot, and maybe Seema can take on more of the maid-of-honour duties so she won’t have to be on her feet so much?”
Shona twitches uncomfortably at the segue to wedding talk all over again. She’d just gotten used to barely hearing about it. “We should talk to her about it first. It’s not fair to just change the plan without even telling her.”
Vish rolls his eyes, smiling. It’s more indulgent than annoyed but Shona’s hackles rise anyway. She’d forgotten how dismissive Vish could be over Aine sometimes, how much it irritated her. “All right, we’ll talk to her about it. I just want to keep moving on the planning. I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting it this past week or so, but I promise I’ll be on the ball from now on.”
“Sure,” Shona replies. She doesn’t think she cares either way. Vish was the one who’d wanted the wedding so badly. It sits low on her list of priorities, behind Aine, behind Trust Together. She thinks she should feel more guilty about it, but she isn’t.
Shona wakes up to a long enthusiastic text from Mammy the next morning, Aine apparently finally having seen fit to update her and send her the sonogram. Aine’s text says mammy’s definitely coming to visit now with an eye-rolling emoji, and Shona laughs. Aine’s not wrong, but Shona does understand why their Mam would be thrilled over her first grandchild.
Vish suggests they host her in the guest room, which makes Shona laugh harder. “Are you nuts? We’re in the middle of nowhere, Vish. I’ll put her up near Aine; that way visiting her will be easier.”
“She’s family, Sho, she should stay with us.”
“Not if she’ll drive me crazy,” Shona says. “Relax, god. She hasn’t even said when she’s actually coming down.”
Vish acquiesces. “Come home earlier tonight, okay? I need to talk to you about some of the wedding stuff.”
Ugh, Shona thinks. “Yeah. Alright.”
Because Mammy is Mammy - really, Shona doesn’t know why she was even surprised - she comes down to London a week later with zero warning, appears in front of Julie’s desk in the middle of a work day, and scares the hell out of Shona when she glances up from her laptop. “Jesus,” she says, quickly making her way outside to save poor Julie from confusion. “Mammy! What are you doing here? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to London?”
“Hello to you too, my darling,” she replies. “What, I can’t miss my daughters and come to see one of them at her brand-new business?”
“Some warning would have been nice,” Shona mutters. “I haven’t even booked you a hotel, and - ugh.” Julie is grinning up at her and Shona pulls herself together for politeness’ sake. “Mammy, this is Julie, our receptionist and assistant. Julie, my mother, Eileen.”
Julie says and signs hello, and Eileen’s eyes light up. Shona’s desperate to prevent a repeat of her usual Paul Bollywood My Left Foot stuff, and quickly shuttles her over to Charlotte’s office instead. Charlotte looks up with a curious smile, coming over from behind her desk. “Hiya. What’s up?”
“Just wanted to make introductions,” says Shona. “This is Charlotte, Mammy.”
She does not get to continue; Eileen breaks into the conversation immediately. “Ah, you’re Shona’s Charlotte! The one she told me about.”
Shona does not miss the startled panic that comes into Charlotte’s eyes, the way she meets Shona’s gaze, expression bewildered and questioning. Shona can feel her own heart dropping into her shoes. She never told Mammy about - them, did she? Never even implied - surely she didn’t?
Eileen continues, “Charlotte, the one you did that event with, Shona? Where you made that lovely speech; Vish told me all about it. Your business partner?”
Shona could die from relief, and the way Charlotte’s shoulders relax tells her it’s about the same for her. “That’s me. It’s nice to meet you, Eileen. Welcome to our office.”
“It’s lovely, my dear, lovely. I hope Shona hasn’t been giving you a hard time at work. You can be such a perfectionist, Shona. And such high standards.”
“Mammy,” Shona says through gritted teeth, but Charlotte just laughs. “Shona’s been great,” she says, so sincere. “I’m lucky to work with her.” There’s a moment, just a moment, where their eyes briefly meet. “It’s been great to start something together.”
Shona feels that knot beneath her ribcage, stealing her breath. It’s stupid how much it still hurts to think about them. She made the choice, after all. She shouldn’t be the one regretting it. Like Aine said. The right thing’s hard to do, isn’t it?
“Now I think you three should all come out for lunch with me,” Mammy declares. “Tell me all about this business of yours. Shona never tells me anything, you know.”
Shona gives her the side-eye. “This isn’t a veiled jab about me respecting Aine’s wishes and not telling you she was pregnant, is it?”
Charlotte muffles a snort as Eileen strolls out to Julie’s desk, playing innocent. “Of course not, dear. Well? Lunch?”
“Yeah, all right, lunch.” It’s better than getting interrogated in her office, anyway.
Lunch is… fine. They pop into a lovely little cafe Julie recommends and some way or another Shona ends up seated opposite Mammy but beside Charlotte. It’s - just strange. She hasn’t sat down beside Charlotte for anything, really, ever since the explosive and heartwrenching end to their affair. Charlotte doesn’t seem fazed, just casually looks through the menu and asks Julie for recommendations, but Shona’s heart is thudding a lot faster than it probably ought.
They used to sit together like this. Not even just after they kissed, after things changed. Even when they were just friends, when Shona was comfortable enough to sprawl on her couch with Charlotte, drink wine, talk business ideas. Tell Charlotte secrets and fears. Being close with Charlotte felt natural, almost inevitable. Just weeks ago, seated like this, Charlotte would have moved an inch and held Shona’s hand.
The discomfort settling in her stomach makes it hard to eat or participate in conversation, but Shona tries. It seems to be easy for Charlotte, completely unbothered. Shona feels frustrated. Why can’t she be totally unbothered too?
Shona gives up on work about an hour after they return to the office, because Mammy does not leave and Shona knows it’s a lost cause trying to send her off if she doesn’t want to go. Mammy’s got that look on her face anyway, the one that says she wants to have a Serious Discussion and she doesn’t mind interrupting Shona’s work day to do it. “What is it, Mammy? Are you actually mad that Aine and I didn’t tell you straightaway?”
“Just a mite,” Mammy says. “But Aine’s got her own mind, I know that.”
“Too right,” Shona mutters. “And she’s going to be well annoyed you came down without any warning. Could you please at least text her before showing up at her flat? And don’t lecture her, alright?”
“Lecture her about what?”
Shona gives her an exasperated look. “I don’t know! Sex before marriage or anything puritanical like that. Keeping the baby and not involving the father in her life. Not being ready to be a parent. Whatever.”
“This sounds more like your lecture,” says Mammy.
“It is not,” snaps Shona. “She’s my baby sister, I’ve got her back, even if you don’t.”
Mammy looks scornful. “She’s my daughter, Shona. I’m not the perfect Mam, but I love her too.”
Shona keeps quiet, feeling a little abashed. She wants to say something about how she was the one to find Aine back then, unconscious on the floor of her bathroom; how she was the one who checked Aine into rehab and took care of her after. She knows it doesn’t mean Mammy ever loved Aine less than her, but it’s hard to remember, sometimes, that it’s not just her protecting Aine against the world. “Sorry.”
Mammy gives her a sharp, thoughtful look. It suddenly feels like the conversation isn’t about Aine after all. “I’m not that worried about her. I might be a wee bit worried about you.”
“About me? Why?”
There’s a weighty silence. “You know your wedding’s in a few months, don’t you.”
“Of course I know that,” Shona says, terse. “Obviously. And everything’s fine. The planning’s been a bit delayed by everything else that’s happening, but Vish is handling it.”
Mammy doesn’t reply, and it feels pointed. Shona suddenly feels a heightened awareness of Charlotte’s presence in the office opposite and grits her teeth, irritably trying to push that out of her head. She remembers the panic fluttering in her gut weeks ago, at her bachelorette, their video call - Mammy talking about secrets. That had meant something to Aine, and Shona had hidden the fact that it had meant something to her too.
“You know can talk to me, Sho,” Mammy finally says, surprisingly gentle. “You can tell me anything.”
Shona wants to scream. Why does everyone say that? Why does everyone say that when it isn’t actually true?
Shona leaves the office early that afternoon right after she books Mammy a hotel room, dragging her suitcase down the Tube to get there. “I’m just staying a week, just to catch up with Aine and make sure I know what’s what,” Mammy says, although Shona really isn’t sure whether to believe her. Aine agrees to hosting dinner at her flat after a predictably aggravated text about what Mammy thinks she’s doing springing a surprise visit on them.
Bradley ends up eating with them, not having made other plans; Aine says it’s ridiculous to deprive him of the dining table and Shona absolutely agrees. He’s charming and sweet enough that it keeps the mood light, which is a bonus. Aine can even joke about Freddie and the unfortunate circumstances of conception. And Shona definitely sees a tear in her eye at the end of dinner, when Mammy says simply how happy she is for her, how excited she is to meet Aine’s baby. Shona knows Aine and Mammy’s relationship has been strained, but seeing them hug when they’re leaving makes her really optimistic that things are going to keep getting better.
Her good mood doesn’t last the night, but that’s just because Vish’s a bit testy when she gets home, annoyed that she changed their plans on him and he’s had to make a series of calls to caterers and florists and whatnot with no backup. They argue, but Shona’s heart isn’t in it. Part of her isn’t surprised he doesn’t get it and the other part of her can’t seem to be bothered to make him.
Mammy predictably extends her stay in London for another week, and Aine actually welcomes it, which is more surprising, but in a really good way. Shona makes no bones to Vish about her intention to spend as much time with her family as possible and is relieved when he accepts them having less time together, if ungraciously. It’s relief of another kind altogether having Mammy in London for Aine to call upon. Shona’s known Aine was dealing with pretty shit morning sickness, and that Bradley’s been a big help on really bad days, but Aine says there’s nothing like having her Mam coming over on the worst mornings to stroke her back and make her tea. It’s nice.
Aine isn’t exactly showing yet. Shona can tell, and so can the people around her, who know her, but she doubts a passing stranger would figure it out at first glance. Aside from puking her guts out every morning, things are still pretty normal for her. She complains to Shona, though, about the changes she knows are coming, and Shona teases her about how she’s researched more on pregnancy than she ever did for her lesson plans. Aine throws a pillow at her head and says that watching Love Island is research, thank you very much.
Vish isn’t as enthusiastic about it as she’d expected; he’s the one who’s always wanted kids, after all, and Shona supposes she’d just assumed he’d be all over this. Maybe if he wasn’t so caught up in the wedding planning, but even then. At least it stops him bringing up Kid Talk again.
Shona does try to put more effort into planning, especially after Mammy finally heads home and Vish grumbles about how he’s been carrying the weight for the past two weeks. He’s so frenzied and earnest about it. “Four months, Shona,” he stresses. “I’m excited for this, I really am, I know you are too - I can’t wait to be married to you. And I want it to be perfect.”
I can’t wait, I want, I want -
And then, one night, one devastating, awful, maybe unavoidable night, he doesn’t.
Shona’s sort of started measuring time against Aine’s pregnancy by that point, and she’s at sixteen weeks; they had dinner together and booked Aine’s next ultrasound so that Shona could be there too. She’d already texted Vish that she’d be a little late home so she isn’t expecting any arguments when she gets back.
And there isn’t one straight into the door, not really. Just Vish sitting on the couch with his arms folded, expression calm but deliberately so, the anger radiating off him. Shona pauses by the kitchen island and doesn’t move forward. “What’s going on?”
For one heartstopping moment she wonders, Charlotte, but her mouth doesn’t get to go dry and her stomach doesn’t have time to twist into knots before Vish replies. “Why didn’t you tell me you saw the gynaecologist the day I flew home?”
The first thing Shona honestly feels in confusion. Seriously? This is what it’s about? “What?”
“You heard me. Why didn’t you tell me? How come I literally just found out because I saw the calendar on your wall?”
“There was nothing to tell,” Shona snaps, nettled. Vish scoffs. “Are you serious? I’m supposed to believe that you went to see the gynae the same day you say Aine finds out she’s pregnant and there was nothing to tell?”
Shona takes a moment to process this and wants to laugh, and she probably would if the rage wasn’t flashing through her skull. “Are you serious? What is this, a conspiracy theory? You think I’m pretending Aine’s pregnant to hide the fact that I am?”
“Well? Are you?”
“No!” Shona shouts. “Don’t be stupid, Vish. Why on earth would I do that? Why would I lie to you like that? I mean, just - fuck you for even believing that I would do that, what’s wrong with you?”
Vish ignores this. “Then why did you see the gynae?”
“For a normal fucking checkup. Jesus.”
His stare bores through her. “Okay. And what did they say?”
A lump seems to form in Shona’s throat. She’s pissed off that Vish thought she lied, but suddenly she actually does want to. Dread creeps up her spine, but her pride wins out. “He said I’m - fine. I’ve got the ‘uterus of a younger woman’ or something idiotic like that.”
A few beats pass, and Shona sees Vish’s expression start to clear, but it doesn’t ease the tension. Not for her. “Is that why you wanted to get a checkup? I - “ Vish sighs, looking bewildered and frustrated. “I thought your whole ‘no kids’ thing was a lifestyle choice, not because you were worried about - biology or whatever.”
“It is!” Shona snaps. She wants to keep yelling that she only went for that checkup because of all the shit he said about Gaya and what it did to her head when she was tipsy on champers and cocktails at the bachelorette. “Have you considered for one fucking second that this was about my body, about me, and not your whole hangup with kids?”
“It’s always about you,” Vish says, cold, stopping Shona in her tracks. “It’s always about you, Shona. What you want, what you need, your priorities, your fears. Never - not even never me. Just never us.”
Shona feels frozen. She can’t move, can’t speak. She doesn’t know what to feel. Vish’s voice softens, but it’s still cutting. “You don’t love me. And you definitely don’t want to marry me." He laughs, humourless, tired. "I can't believe it's taken me this long to admit it to myself. I don’t know why I’ve wasted all my time.”
Shona realises, suddenly, that the worst part of what he’s saying is that it’s true. She doesn’t love him and maybe she hasn’t loved him for a really long time.
No. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe that’s not the worst part. Maybe the worst part is knowing her relationship is over, buried, gone with just one conversation. Maybe the worst part is that above everything else, what she feels is relief.
She tells Aine first, obviously, in an amusing reversal of sixteen weeks ago. Aine sputters and swears over the phone and makes a lot of empty threats about cutting Vish’s balls off and serving them to a dog. Shona laughs and Aine gets even madder. “It’s not funny! He’s a cunt! He’s dumped you four months before your wedding, for fuck’s sake. I’m going to kill him! I’m going to - “
“Aine,” Shona interrupts. She feels tired, suddenly, more tired than she’s ever been. She’s spent the whole morning packing her things and figuring out how to move them back to her flat. “Can we talk about this later, when I come and see you? It’s not all what you think.”
“It apparently never fucking is with you,” Aine growls. “Fine. Call me later. And fucking tell Mammy!”
Shona rolls her eyes, and hangs up.
Shona gives Aine the whole day to calm down, focusing instead on getting herself and her things out of Vish’s house as quickly as humanly possible. She feels so much lighter, which probably makes her the total asshole in the situation, but it’s hard to deny it. In the cold light of day his final words don’t get any less true. She’s never wanted to marry him. She doesn’t know why she said yes to him during that speech months ago.
(Okay, she does. But as much as she’s willing to think about this whole fiasco, she still can’t bear thinking about that.)
She doesn’t really prepare a speech for Aine or anything, but amidst the drive back to London she does decide she’s finally going to tell her everything. She doesn’t want Aine to hate Vish, for one - he’s an asshole in his own ways and Shona’s never been afraid to say that, but she’s not stupid and selfish enough to pretend it wasn’t at least partly her fault. And maybe it’ll seem less egregious now that it’s over between them.
And she wants to believe Aine, if no one else, will still love her. Will still have her back, like she promised.
Aine still looks pissed when Shona comes over that evening, but she’s not yelling and flinging things around so that’s a good sign. “Tell me everything right now, and explain to me why I shouldn’t be going around to Vish’s to kill him.”
“You’re sixteen weeks pregnant,” Shona says.
“And? I’ll be killing for two.”
Shona snorts. Aine looks like steam might be pouring out of her ears. “How are you so calm about this? I’m serious, Sho! You two were going to get married, what the fuck happened in one night that you two are over?”
“Can we please sit down for this?” Shona sighs. “Is Bradley here?”
“No, he’s out with Matty for drinks, so we have all night for you to explain this,” Aine says. She sits down on the couch and Shona can see, beneath the anger and disbelief, the real concern, Aine’s desire to protect her sister the way Shona’s always tried to protect her. It makes Shona breathe a little easier. “We fought,” she says simply. “And he realised I don’t love him and don’t want to marry him. And I guess I finally admitted it to myself too. Don’t look so shocked,” she adds dryly in response to Aine’s dropped jaw. “We had that entire shouting match on the day of the event about tea towels and Lindsay Lohan. You knew it wasn’t all peaches and cream between us.”
“I knew you were semi-allergic to commitment, not that you weren’t in love with your boyfriend,” says Aine. “Shona, what - have you - did you love him?”
“Of course I did. But not for a long time now.”
Aine looks lost. “Why?”
Shona doesn’t know. Saying she developed feelings for Charlotte would be easy, but it’s not really true. She thinks it was an issue between them long before Charlotte came onto the scene. She let Charlotte kiss her and kissed her back that night, but in hindsight that was because she’d already fallen out of love with Vish. That’s why she let it happen. Shona wishes she could give Aine a satisfactory answer, but she can’t.
Aine interprets the silence accurately. “Couldn’t you fix things at all?” She asks instead, and Shona shoots her a questioning look. “I don’t love him, Aine. It wasn’t like you and Richard. And that couldn’t be fixed either.”
Aine shrugs, lips pressed tight against each other, and Shona feels a spark of guilt. She spoke without thinking, but maybe that was too far. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know,” Aine says. “God, Shona, I - okay, I know I’m not exactly the person who should be saying this, but why didn’t you tell me anything?” She laughs suddenly, looking exasperated. “Why don’t we tell each other anything? When did that happen?”
Shona sort of wishes Aine could get drunk right now so the alcohol would be a filter between her brain and Shona’s confessions. Maybe she’ll have a drink herself instead, for courage. “I was scared,” she admits. “I - it’s my job to worry about you. I didn’t want you to take on my problems. Or judge me for them.”
“Your job is some incomprehensible finance bullshit at Trust Together,” says Aine. “Not treating me like a baby who puts her older sister on a pedestal.”
Shona swallows hard, eyes watering. She’d made up her mind about this, but it’s still harrowing. “I know, okay? And I want to tell you now. I’ll tell you - everything, I guess, like you asked. But it doesn’t mean I’m not still scared.” She takes a deep, shaky breath. “I do think you’re going to judge me, Aine. And be angry. And I’ll get it, but it’s still going to hurt.”
Aine gives her a wary look. “Sho. Is this seriously, actually worse than me getting knocked up by my dickhead ex-boyfriend?”
“I think so,” Shona whispers.
“Shit,” says Aine. She sighs and leans back against the couch. “Okay. I promise I won’t call the cops.”
Shona stares at her. “What?”
“What,” Aine parrots defensively. “I’m assuming it’s something criminal, you’re acting like you killed a man!”
“No!” Shona replies, exasperated, but also wanting to laugh. “No. God. Okay.” Another deep breath, forcing the words out before she can second-guess herself. “I had an affair.”
You could hear a pin drop. Shona barely dares to breathe. Aine’s still leaning against the couch, facing the ceiling, eyes closed, and Shona just waits.
After an eternity (or about fifteen seconds), Aine finally opens her eyes again and slouches down, glancing at Shona, expression still wary, still suspicious. “With Charlotte?”
Shona honestly feels like she’s been knocked over by a brick. “What?”
“With Charlotte, right? I mean, by elimination. You don’t have that many friends.”
It’s hard to breathe, Shona’s chest squeezing tight, her voice faltering. “You knew?”
“No, I didn’t, idiot. That’s why I’m asking.” Aine looks unimpressed. “Well? I’m right? You had an affair with Charlotte?”
“Yeah,” Shona replies quietly. What else can she say? That’s just it. She had an affair with her best friend and ruined a lot of things along with it. It hurts her still, every time she thinks about it. Makes her feel guilty, when she realises she doesn’t really regret it.
“Hmm,” says Aine. “Explains a lot.”
“Explains what?” Shona demands.
“Her entire attitude change,” Aine rolls her eyes. “I do notice things, you know. You went from spending all your time together to all that tension. And her refusing to come to the bachelorette and all that. I thought you’d just fought or something, but it makes a lot more sense knowing you two fucked.”
“Please don’t put it like that,” Shona mutters, pained.
Aine just shrugs. “I assume things fell apart.”
Shona stares at the ground. “She told me she was falling for me,” she says, halting and low. “I panicked. I wasn’t ready for that at all. And I wanted to - I couldn’t do it to Vish.”
To Shona’s utter surprise, Aine starts laughing, proper tears-in-her-eyes belly-laughing, and she doesn’t stop for a solid minute. Shona isn’t sure whether to feel baffled or annoyed. Aine finally wheezes to a stop after a long and uncomfortable time for Shona, and takes a long drink of water, then goes to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of wine and another bottle of nonalcoholic cider. “Okay. This conversation is over for the night. I’m going to put Netflix on and we’re going to watch something stupid and funny. We’re going to drink and pass out on the couch and tomorrow, I’m going to your place to help you move back in.”
“What? But - “
“Shut up and open the wine,” Aine orders. Shona shuts up, and opens the wine.
“Can we talk about something?” Shona asks Charlotte on Monday morning, when they’re first into the office. Charlotte always comes in earlier to have breakfast at her desk and something in Shona wants her to just get it all out of the way and be done with it. Charlotte raises her eyebrows and gestures towards the chairs in front of her desk. “Sounds serious. Client-related?”
“No. It’s not business,” Shona says, watching Charlotte’s expression carefully. It doesn’t shift. Shona gathers up a breath. “Vish and I ended things.”
Nothing flickers across Charlotte’s face at all, and her tone stays neutral, if sympathetic. “I’m sorry to hear that, Shona. You okay?”
“Erm,” Shona says, very eloquently. “I am. It was a long time coming, in a sense. So. Yeah.”
“I’m sorry,” Charlotte repeats. “I’m glad you’re taking it well. Let Julie and I know if you need anything, okay?”
Shona feels a little frustrated, and foolish. Was she expecting Charlotte to say anything else? They’re just friends, now. They decided that. It feels arrogant to have hoped Charlotte would care more. Shona just can’t help remembering what she said, then; I think I’m falling in love with you.
It is arrogant, she decides. She murmurs a thank you and shuffles to her own office as naturally as she can, falls back into the usual habit and just throws herself straight into work. That should help.
Shona doesn’t think she was really looking for sympathy, but she certainly doesn’t get all that much from Mammy. She’s sad for Shona, obviously, although she doesn’t go off on one about castrating Vish the way Aine did, thank god. Shona’s pretty sure part of the sadness comes from knowing she won’t get to be around Vish’s family any more, and Shona won’t lie, she does feel that too. She wasn’t particularly close to them, but she liked them - Bubs was adorable, Hari was lovely, Seema and Anil were fun to talk to, and even Kavita was sweet despite the occasional insensitivity. Shona feels her heart ache a little wondering what Vish told them, how they took the news. The bitterest part of her thinks they’ll be delighted, probably trying to convince Vish to get back with Gaya, who knows.
She’s glad Mammy doesn’t even try to convince her to ‘fix things’, and certainly relieved she doesn’t suggest coming down to London again to be there for her poor dumped daughter. Shona doesn’t tell her about Charlotte, and gets the feeling that she’s supportive but does still think Shona’s - sad, about what happened. She isn’t. Aine cried at least three times to Shona about Richard; she blamed pregnancy hormones each time but they both knew better. Shona hasn’t cried once and doesn’t feel like it. Mammy wouldn’t understand.
Not to say she’s having the time of her life or anything. It’s still hard waking up every day and knowing her most serious relationship is over, that it absolutely imploded from within. She doesn’t miss Vish, not really, but the guilt lingers, and the frustration, thinking back over the time they were together and trying to figure out what went wrong, if she could have changed anything. Having more time to herself means her thoughts drift to Charlotte too, to the uncomfortable nagging in her gut telling her to really think about what it meant. They’d moved so quickly from the kiss to a full-blown affair to disaster that Shona’d never really thought about any of it. Vish always being in the background didn’t help with that. But now - Shona’s not a homophobe; Eileen raised them Catholic but she never subscribed to any conservative schools of thought, so it’s not about that. It’s just having spent her whole life assuming she was straight. Never having feelings for any women before Charlotte. Or maybe reevaluating her entire life in light of that, wondering if she did, and just didn’t realise it.
It’s… difficult and complicated and uncomfortable. Shona doesn’t like to be in her own head. Aine does now, more than she used to, credits her therapist with that growth. Shona isn’t sure about therapy, but she does think staying busy with moving back in will help.
Moving back in doesn’t take as long as Shona expected, after all. She wasn’t moving into a brand-new house, for one. It’s just a matter of putting things back where they used to be when she still called this flat her home. No more sourdough starter or extra toothbrush, but even then, that just makes it feel like the flat, pre-Vish. It wasn’t that long ago.
The space does feel bigger than before. None of Vish’s things are there any more, and Shona’d taken advantage of moving to do a bit of spring cleaning, throwing out things she didn’t really need. She thinks about getting Aine to come over again every few days, but Aine’s nineteen weeks along now and Shona isn’t sure how much physical activity she wants to be doing.
She thinks about it some more, then talks about it with Aine after her second ultrasound. Aine’s decided on dinner at some upscale steak restaurant to celebrate making it as far as the second trimester and seems more interested in her ribeye than in Shona’s suggestion, but far be it from Shona to argue with her. “What do you mean, move back in again?”
“Literally just that,” says Shona. “Your room at my flat’s still empty. You can live with me, pay a lower rent than you do with Bradley. If you want to stay on after the baby’s born, I can redo the guest room, make it a nursery. It’d be nice.”
“Does this offer come with free babysitting?”
“No,” Shona says flatly, and Aine laughs. “It’s a nice offer,” she admits. “You are very sweet, Sho, honest. But I’m going to have to say no.”
“What,” says Shona, a little stung. “Is it me that’s the problem?”
Aine rolls her eyes. “No. Don’t act so injured.” She pauses in the middle of cutting her steak, resting her chin on her hands. “I need this, Shona. My own space. I need to - I’m going to be a mum, Sho. I can’t be living with you and be your little sister all the time. Yes, yes,” Aine wards off her burgeoning protetsts. “I know you won’t baby me, you won’t clean up after me, you won’t let me rely on you, blah blah blah. It still won’t change the fact that if I live with you, I’ll be your little sister in the house. Do you get what I mean?”
Shona does, kind of, but the sisterly instinct makes her push just a little. “You don’t exactly have your ‘own space’ in your current place either. Bradley lives there.”
“Yeah, well, that’s different. I’m seeing him,” she says casually, like this doesn’t utterly blindside Shona out of nowhere. “Don’t do your screaming schtick again,” Aine warns. “It’s not just Charlotte and Julie here this time. They’ll kick us out of the restaurant.”
Shona does not scream, but she definitely feels like her eyes are popping out of her head. “What do you mean you’re seeing him?”
“Dating,” Aine says calmly. “For about six weeks. Maybe seven?”
“You’re pregnant!”
“I’m pretty sure that’s sexist, I’m just not sure how.”
Shona gives Aine a blinding glare and Aine just rolls her eyes. “Can you not make this a bigger deal than it is? It’s not like he isn’t aware that I’m pregnant. Brad’s not stupid, he knows what he’s signing up for.”
“How did it even happen? You didn’t tell me! You would’ve lost your mind if I hadn’t told you about Vish and me after six weeks,” Shona says accusingly.
“Fair enough,” Aine replies. “In my defence, I’ve never introduced any of my other boyfriends before three months passed either. It’s still new. I care about him, Sho, but it’s not like we’re off to city hall with a diamond ring.”
“Christ,” says Shona, for lack of a better response. “I didn’t even know you liked each other. You’ve lived with him for two years and you never said anything. And what happened to Emma?”
“They actually split up not long after the Windrush event. Even I didn’t know that for ages,” says Aine. “It wasn’t dramatic like you and Vish. They were already on and off for a bit, near the end, and they both decided it wasn’t really going to work out in the long run.”
Shona isn’t sure whether Aine’s just too busy with steak to answer all her questions or if she’s stalling. She puts on the Big Sister Vibe and pushes a little harder. “Don’t you think you’re maybe rushing things a little?”
She does expect Aine to tell her to piss off, to be honest, but to her surprise, she doesn’t. Her tone stays perfectly level when she replies, “I know it seems like it. I don’t blame you; I’d worry too. Honestly I feel that way sometimes. So does Brad. But another part of me just feels like it’s actually been a long time coming. Like it’s been there for a while, and it was just waiting for us to catch up.”
“What, because you’ve known him for so long?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Aine says slowly. “But not just known him, Sho. It’s…” Aine frowns, and it strikes Shona she hasn’t seen Aine this thoughtful or certain in a long time, even when she told Shona she was definitely keeping the baby. “I’m me when I’m with him. Like I can stop holding my breath.” She laughs and shakes her head. “Weird thing to say, maybe, but that’s the best way to describe it. I didn’t even realise, actually, until now. With Richard, with Freddie, anyone else before that - it did feel like I was holding my breath. Like I couldn’t really be myself. But he’s already seen me at - not even just my worst, you know? But he’s always seen me, when I’m not putting up any fronts. If he can want me after all that, then it’s me that he really does want.”
Shona feels her breath catch listening to Aine - who’s always so sharp-witted, so slick; Aine’s always been good at seeming like she’s giving things away without ever letting people hear what she really means. Aine’s a good actress, fooled even Shona back then into thinking she was okay until the day she almost died - but right here, right now, what she says is real.
And honestly, what can she say in the face of that?
“Okay,” she finally says. “I’m happy for you, Aine. Just make sure he knows that I’ll kill him if he doesn’t treat you right.”
“You didn’t kill Freddie,” Aine points out.
“Don’t give me ideas,” says Shona. “Eat your bloody steak.”
Shona does trust Aine’s judgment, and Aine’d definitely laugh in her face if Shona tried any shovel talk nonsense anyway after finding out about Charlotte, so she doesn’t interfere. She does still suggest dinner together, the three of them, so she can get to know Bradley better. “You already know him,” Aine mutters, but she doesn’t disagree. She seems pleased that Shona wants to meet him in his capacity as her boyfriend, too. And it’ll be nice to take her out to eat while going out is still relatively comfortable. By the time they schedule dinner, Aine’s twenty-one weeks along and pretty obviously so. She meets Shona in the office two hours before dinner so they can leave early and do some clothes shopping, Aine complaining that there’s only three shirts and two pairs of pants she can fit into now.
“Aine, you’re glowing,” Julie says as Shona’s packing up and Aine’s helping herself to the free candies on Julie’s desk. “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“Nah, I’m keeping it a surprise. Hope it’s a girl, though. I’ve got better genes than Freddie.”
“Ha!” Shona says derisively. Julie laughs, and so does Charlotte, who comes out of her office with a pretty little paper bag and hands it to Aine. “This is for you, Aine. I saw it over the weekend at the shops and thought of you. An early gift for the baby.”
Aine looks startled and pleased. “Thanks, Charlotte. That’s so sweet.” She glances inside the bag and her face lights up. “Oh, it’s a book! Look, Sho, Irish folktales for children. Aw! Charlie, that’s so kind.”
Shona can feel herself melting, a little. Charlotte’s always been as good with gifts as she is with words. It’s impossible to keep the rough fondness out of her voice when she thanks Charlotte too. Aine’s beaming, waving goodbye as they leave the office, and Charlotte’s smile is the last thing Shona sees before they head out.
Dinner with Bradley is perfectly lovely. He doesn’t put up a front with Shona, which means he banters with Aine and they exchange mutual insults as if they were cooking together in their kitchen at home, and Shona appreciates that. The affection between them is obvious - they’ve always been good friends, so it’s not new, but Shona can tell it’s heightened, yet softer, more loving. It pricks at her heart a little. A bit of jealousy, maybe, and that bittersweet pride, knowing Aine’s really finding herself in a good place. Things can’t possibly be easy, knowing what’s about to come, a lifetime commitment with her baby, but she’s not running away from the challenge. She’s happy. She doesn’t need anyone for that, and certainly not Shona.
Aine slips off to the bathroom halfway through the meal and Bradley seizes the opportunity to talk to Shona, one on one. Earnest and zero bullshit, acknowledging Shona’s probably got her concerns and rightfully so, but promising that he’s not fucking around, that he won’t push Aine into anything. Everything aside, Aine’s one of his best friends in the world, and he’ll be there for her in whatever capacity she wants him to be. He called Aine family once, even before Richard, even before any of this, and he meant it. He still does.
“I trust you,” Shona says. She doesn’t let him see the jealousy she feels. She doesn’t think anyone’s really loved her like that. And maybe it’s worse, that she doesn’t think she’s really loved anyone like that either.
Work’s taken a little bit of a backseat since the Vish fiasco and everything else. Julie and Charlotte have been understanding, but Shona spends a few weeks devoting herself to clearing her backlog so she doesn’t cause them, or herself, any problems. She decides to have a work dinner with Charlotte on a Friday night so they can discuss some clients outside of London, but the plan gets scuppered when Aine calls in the afternoon sounding a little harried. “Are you busy tonight? It would be a really, really big help if you could come over and just - I don’t know, be there.”
“Of course I can, but what’s going on?”
Aine sighs, irritable. “It’s Freddie. He wants to come over and ‘talk’, god knows about what. I didn’t really want to drag Brad into this, but I think having you around would help a lot.”
“I’m there. Just tell me what time,” Shona says shortly. She’s already annoyed; fucking Freddie. She’ll chase him off with a golf club if that’s what it takes. She goes over to Charlotte’s office, apologetic. “Sorry. I can’t do dinner tonight after all. I’ve got to help Aine out with something.”
Charlotte looks concerned. “Is she okay? Can I help with anything?”
“No, it’s fine. It’s just - fucking Freddie, apparently he wants to talk to her,” Shona air-quotes. “Fucking arseclown. I just want to be there to back her up. I’m sorry to disrupt our plans.”
“No, of course,” says Charlotte. “We can talk next week, or I’ll call you over the weekend.”
“Alright,” Shona replies, and before she can stop herself, “I’ve missed our video calls.”
Charlotte smiles, but it’s minutely tighter, tenser, and Shona feels like an idiot. God, such a stupid thing to say. “I’ll see you next Monday,” she hurriedly corrects herself. “Have a good weekend.”
“You too,” says Charlotte, and Shona scarpers back into her office before she can put her foot back in her stupid fucking mouth.
Shona ends up parked on an armchair in Aine’s living room, laptop settled on the standing desk and dragged in front of her so she can pretend she’s doing work while very much listening in on Freddie and Aine. Freddie’s acting all contrite, in a proper collared shirt pretending to seem respectable and steady, but Shona isn’t fooled for a second. Aine doesn’t seem to be either, thank god. He brings out all the usual platitudes about having reflected on his behaviour and changing for the better, how he wants to be a better boyfriend now, and a good father in future. “I want to be there for him,” he pleads. “I want to be there for you. I want to do the right thing, Aine. A kid needs his dad, and I promise I’ll be a good dad for him.”
“Talking like it’s a foregone conclusion that it’s going to be a boy is fucking weird,” Aine says flatly, and Shona watches in petty satisfaction as Freddie visibly flushes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way, I swear. I’d be so happy to have a daughter too, Aine, honestly - I mean, a little girl, just like you? That would be amazing.”
“I wouldn’t want my daughter to be ‘just like me’,” Aine says, quiet and dangerous. “I’d want her to be her own person. And honestly, Freddie? You’re way past doing the right thing. I mean, it’s been four months since I first told you I was pregnant. You weren’t half begging me to get an abortion and saying that would be the right decision for both of us, and now all of a sudden you’re worried about the right thing?”
“I was wrong. I’m sorry, Aine. I mean it,” he stresses. “Please. Just give me one more chance. I’ll do better. I’ll take care of you and our kid. We were really happy together. You remember all that, don’t you? I’ll make you happy, and I won’t fuck up again.”
Aine’s voice is calm, steady, and Shona’s never felt prouder of her. “No,” she says. “We weren’t really happy. Maybe you were, but I wasn’t, and I know that now. I am happy, with someone else, and I’m not going to leave him to go back to you.” Freddie’s face falls, and Aine lets her tone soften, gentler, but still firm. “If you really want to be in this kid’s life, if you mean that - we’ll work it out. I’m not going to stop them from knowing their biological father if that’s what they want, and if you can really be part of their life and be a good dad, like you’re promising. But not together. I won’t do that again.”
Shona holds her breath. Part of her does sort of want Freddie to say something stupid so she can bodily throw him out, but that’s just to satisfy the big sister instinct in her that’s always wanted to kick Freddie from here to Spain ever since he dumped Aine. But it’s a bigger relief when he finally sighs and nods in acceptance. “Okay. I guess I deserve that. And I’m sorry we couldn’t work things out - but I mean it. I’ll be a good dad in the ways that I can.”
“Okay,” Aine replies. “We can talk about that.”
“Did Freddie really ask you to get an abortion? Like, straight out?” Shona asks later, over dinner. Aine makes an ‘eh’ noise. “He didn’t threaten me or try and buy me off, if that’s what you mean. But he was definitely eager about it being a ‘good decision for everyone’,” she snorts. “Idiot.”
Shona certainly doesn’t like the sound of Freddie trying to tell Aine what she should do about anything, but at the same time, she can’t help but wonder. She’d thought about it early on, never come back to the topic after Aine made her decision and other crap in her life happened, but she can’t help but think about it now. “But you did think about it? Getting an abortion?”
“I mean, of course,” says Aine. “I didn’t plan or expect this, and I’m not exactly rolling in the dough. I knew from the start it wasn’t going to be a grand old walk in the park. I suppose he was right that it would have been easier in a lot of ways.”
“I would have supported you,” Shona hastens to add. “You know I wouldn’t have pressured you into anything, it was always your choice and if anyone dared to judge you I’d have told them where to get off.”
Aine raises an eyebrow. “Are you telling me, or telling yourself?”
“Aine.”
“I’m serious,” Aine says, mimicking Shona’s tone. “Why is this such a big deal to you?” She gives Shona a long look, eyes narrowed, tone growing wary. “You do get that I did make a choice, right? Like - now I really feel like I need to make sure you understand that? The fact that I’m keeping the baby because I want to. I want it. Not out of some fucked-up weirdo Catholic Jesus-y obligation or something. You know that, right?”
Shona sighs, a little stressed, but feeling something uncoil in her gut anyway. “Yes, okay. I get that. I think I just needed to really hear you say it.”
“Well, there you go.”
Shona hums in acknowledgment, although she’s still thoughtful, picking at her pasta. “Why did you make that decision, though? You said yourself it’s going to be hard. Like - was it just a feeling? Or did you chart the pros and cons, or something?”
Aine chokes on a laugh. “Chart the pros and cons! God, you’re so finance,” she snorts, and Shona gives her the finger. “No, I just thought about what it would be like. Meeting my kid, raising and nurturing a little human being. I mean, I became a teacher for a reason. It felt like it would be a good challenge. Maybe the best one I’d ever face. And I’ve never been as child-averse as you, to be fair.” She shrugs. “I guess it was just what I wanted. Wanting is hard to quantify, Ms Stocks-Shares-NASDAQ, sorry to say.”
“I actually do understand that, thank you,” says Shona. She winces a little, remembering Vish’s proposal in her flat, months ago - god, it feels like forever now. She should’ve known it wouldn’t work once she asked him to make it a contract so she could ‘understand’ it, so she could be certain. She didn’t want it. She doesn’t know how she believed she was still in love then, in any way, shape or form.
But what does she want, right now? She wishes she was like Aine; she wishes she just knew. As it stands, she certainly doesn’t.
Aine’s just going into her third trimester when she calls Shona one afternoon to inform her that her boyfriend is awesome and is surprising her with a short getaway to Brighton before travelling becomes impossible for the next two months. “And we’re thinking of visiting Mammy on the way back too, so she can really get to know Brad on her own territory.”
“Christ, be careful, please, you’re six months pregnant,” says Shona.
“You’re such a worrier,” Aine retorts. “Do you want to come? You can bring Charlotte.”
Shona fumbles with her folders and nearly drops the whole bloody stack into her wastepaper basket. “Are you out of your mind? What? No!”
“No, you don’t want to come, or no, you don’t want to bring Charlotte?”
“What are you even talking about,” Shona says exasperatedly. “You know I’m not seeing Charlotte, right?”
“Yeah, because apparently you’re a moron,” Aine shoots back. “You’ve been single for three months now. Why haven’t you patched things up with her and asked her out properly?”
“I may not have accurately conveyed how disastrous the end of our affair was to you,” Shona says dryly. “Shall I elaborate?”
Aine makes a very rude noise. “No thanks. And that’s all stupid and irrelevant anyway. You’re obviously still arse over tits for her and she definitely still has feelings for you. And if the whole mess last time was your fault, then it’s on you to fix things and work them out, isn’t it? Grow up and do that instead of moping. You’ll regret it when she finds another girlfriend. A real one, not one she gets to make you jealous.”
Hearing her baby sister tell her to ‘grow up’ rankles. Shona wants to reach through the phone and throttle her. “I don’t need matchmaking advice three months after I broke up with my fiance.”
“Whatever,” Aine says. “I’m leaving on Saturday and I’ll be away for a week and a half. You won’t need to worry and fret about me at all like you always do, so maybe get it together and sit her down for a real talk. Ask her for tips on dealing with cranky pregnant women, that’ll spark a good conversation.”
“Really? I would rather get tips on dealing with annoying younger sisters.”
“If you like,” Aine replies. “But don’t come crying foul when she falls in love with me instead.”
“Shut up.”
Shona doesn’t take Aine’s advice - obviously - but she has to admit it’s a breath of fresh air knowing she’s off in Brighton having the time of her life lazing around a fancy beach resort eating breakfast in bed with Bradley. Shona can focus on work, and on herself.
Well, she can focus on work when she does it alone. As much as she tries to shut it up, Aine’s voice echoes annoyingly in her head whenever she sits down with Charlotte for meetings. Aine’s right that she has been single for a while now. She hasn’t even spoken to Vish since that awful last night together, which is fine, but it also means it’s harder to remember why she shouldn’t look at Charlotte like she used to, shouldn’t reach under the table when they’re together, and hold her hand.
Shona wouldn’t admit it to Aine, to anyone; it’s hard enough admitting it to herself. But gun to her head she does know she fell in love with Charlotte, and she never really stopped. Charlotte’s not like anyone she’s ever met. When Aine talks about Brad - about feeling like herself, about being able to breathe - Shona’s first thought is still Charlotte. She’s thought about those different worlds - Charlotte leaving the company after the affair, Charlotte never having kissed her that night at the event, never crossing paths with her that very first time at Broadgate - but the one she lingers on is always the one where Vish doesn’t exist. Where everything was different. A world where she would have fallen in love with Charlotte - and that’s every world, she knows - and it could have worked out.
It feels foolish to believe they could have a second chance now. They’re both adults and Shona doesn’t believe in sappy Hallmark crap about not being able to live without each other. As every day ticks by, it’ll get easier and easier for both of them to move on. Maybe in ten years Trust Together will be thriving, international, and they’ll still be business partners, best friends. Charlotte will laugh with her and high-five over courting new clients and that’ll be it. Nothing more.
Shona tries to imagine that future, with a nameless, featureless wife by Charlotte’s side. Someone who’s genuinely right for her, who wouldn’t break her heart. It hurts, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe the pain all fades with time.
“I’m back!” Shona hears Aine yell, voice reverberating through the office and definitely annoying their floormates on the other side of the hall. Shona rolls her eyes, glad she’s the only one in the office at this hour, and pokes her head out of the door, shooting Bradley a smile and Aine a glare. “Aine, this is still a business environment, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she yawns as obnoxiously as she can. “Don’t pretend you aren’t thrilled to see me safe and sound after my lovely holiday in Brighton.”
“And visiting Mammy, I hope.”
“Eh. Brad enjoyed that more than I did. I’m starting to think he might marry her instead of me.”
Shona chokes. Bradley nudges Aine as she helps her onto a couch. “Stop winding Shona up. She’ll actually think I proposed.”
Aine looks like she doesn’t particularly care. She glances out of Shona’s office window to Charlotte’s empty office on the other side. “Where’s your girlfriend? Out sick today?”
Shona grinds her teeth. “For the last time, Charlotte’s not my girlfriend,” she says. “And she’s on leave until Tuesday, visiting her brother in Reading.”
“She wasn’t your girlfriend when I left,” says Aine. “I thought after my sage advice that would’ve changed by the time we got home.”
“Aine,” Shona snaps, feeling nettled now. Her head hurts. It’s hard listening to Aine get all snarky about it. What happened between her and Charlotte has never been funny for Shona, or easy, or anything less than absolutely heartbreaking. “It’s not a joke. Can you please stop treating it like one? Do you really think it’s that easy? If it was, I would’ve long ago left Vish for her!”
Aine and Bradley exchange quick glances, and Bradley deftly eases off the couch towards the door. “I’ll get you a drink, Aine. Be right back.” He gives her a quick kiss and scurries off, shutting the door behind him. Aine waits for him to leave before she turns to Shona, folds her arms and stares her down. “Fine. Tell me the whole story. Make me understand why it’s so ‘not easy’ to apologise for fucking up and asking for a second chance now that you’re single.”
“You know second chances aren’t that easy. Look at Freddie,” Shona mutters.
“I did give him a second chance,” Aine retorts. “He just fucked that up, and obviously I didn’t give him a third. Forgive me for holding you to a higher standard than my idiot ex-boyfriend and expecting you to treat Charlotte right from now on.”
Shona puts her face in her hands. Her skull is throbbing and she wants a drink. “I led her on, Aine,” she says despairingly. “I made her think I was going to - end things with Vish, somehow, and then she told me she was falling for me, and that was so much more than I deserved. And I panicked, I told her Vish and I were getting married, and - how do you even come back from that? Do you know how lucky I am that she didn’t slap me and never speak to me again?”
“Wow,” says Aine. “And yet she’s still in love with you. What a masochist. Her therapist must be a real champ.”
“It’s not funny, Aine!”
“It most certainly is fucking not,” Aine replies crisply. “But as a suicide survivor it is nice to be occasionally reminded that my brilliant finance smart-arse sister doesn’t have her life as together as I always thought.”
Shona has very unkind thoughts about strangling a pregnant woman. “Can you please be serious for one fucking second?”
Aine scoffs. “Sure. I’ll be serious. Here’s my serious suggestion: just fucking talk to her. Hasn’t it been almost half a year since that happened? Yes, I do think you fucked up majorly, but I also don’t think you’re a bad person and you never have been. And I think Charlotte realises that too. I’m not joking when I say she’s definitely still in love with you. Anyone could tell, Shona. Julie’s probably waiting for the penny to drop.” Aine shakes her head, looking exasperated. “You gave her up for Vish. He’s gone. What is your excuse right now?”
“I hurt her,” Shona snaps. “I don’t - do you really think I deserve her, after all that?”
“No,” Aine says easily. “But I also think it’s really shitty of you not to let her make that decision for herself. You’re bad at that, Shona; you always have been, and we both know it. Just once, Sho, why don’t you let your heart lead you instead of your head?”
Shona can’t stop thinking about it.
Aine doesn’t actually do anything after that conversation. She’s not best pals with Charlotte or anything, so it’s not like she can attack the situation from that direction. She evidently realises she can’t bully Shona into anything, and that she’d rather be spending all her time in bed eating ice cream with Bradley and dictating lesson plans to her temporary replacement at the school than telling off her stupid sister. Charlotte comes back from Reading and things go back to normal, like nothing ever happened, but every time Shona looks at her, it hurts.
She wonders if she would wish for it, if she could get one chance. All those universes she’s thought about. Maybe there’s one where everything’s the same, except for one single choice she makes that night. Their first kiss. A universe where she’d just decided to be brave. To do what Aine wants her to do, and let her heart make the choice.
If only.
For all the dreaming, Shona ultimately still isn’t really the kind of person who lingers on the past. She does wish some things could change but she doesn’t get so lost in that she can’t function. Being in business means she’s always focused on the future, sometimes even to the detriment of the present. Thinking and planning ahead, working for that future goal. It was why she and Charlotte were a good team from the start, Shona focusing on the bigger picture, drawing up all the plans, thinking about the long-term, and Charlotte with her feet on the ground, on top of the logistics, running the nitty-gritty. Shona’s always made Plan A as perfect as it can get, and Charlotte’s saved the show with Plan B more times than they can count.
Aine’s thirty-seven weeks into her pregnancy when Shona and Charlotte take a two-day trip to Bath to meet with a few potential clients. It’s the first time they’re in serious discussions with people outside London and it’s pretty big for them. It’s just two days, and Aine isn’t due for another week at least, so Shona doesn’t even worry, for once. Trust Together is still, after all, her baby, and Shona desperately wants it to succeed, and this is just another step towards that. Of course she’s going with Charlotte to Bath.
They have an excellent, productive first day meeting two clients and Shona’s well pleased with how Trust Together is building its network. More than one person talks about that months-old Business Pioneer article, positively to boot - Jim can now and forever eat her arse - and Shona is absolutely glowing when they return to their hotel that night, opening a beer and knocking it against Charlotte’s own and shouting Slainté! She can’t wait to return to London tomorrow evening, brimming with success, and she falls asleep that night smiling, almost exactly where she wants to be.
Shona awakens to her ringtone at an uncertain-but-definitely-ungodly hour, bleary and momentarily confused about where she is. She fumbles blindly for her phone before it can wake Charlotte too. “H’lo?” She garbles, then irritably removes her retainer and repeats herself, sleep-rough. “Hello? Who is it?”
“Shona, it’s Brad,” she hears, and instantly all the drowsiness slips away. Shona draws herself up, already poised to leap out of bed. “Don’t panic,” he continues, in a tone of voice that clearly says he’s a hairs-breadth from panicking himself, which does not instill in Shona very much confidence. “I know it’s way before Aine’s projected due date, but her water broke. The ambulance just arrived, and we’re going to the hospital now.”
“Fucking Christ,” Shona swears, trying to scramble out of bed and tangling herself in the sheets. “Shit! Okay. Brad, is she okay? Is the baby okay?”
“I don’t know. They keep telling me everything’s fine, but - I don’t know.” His voice breaks a little on the last word and Shona is practically beating herself over the head wondering what possessed her to come to Bath after all. “Okay, just - stay with her, yeah? I know I can trust you. Do you have Mammy’s number, will you call her, please? I’ll be there as soon as I can, just keep me updated, okay?”
A hand rests on Shona’s shoulder and she shrieks, drowning out Bradley’s reply. She whirls around to see Charlotte’s shadowed frame in the dim light, having come up behind her while she was talking. “Shona? What’s wrong?”
“Brad, I’ll call you back later, I’ll see you in London,” Shona says urgently, then hangs up. “Aine’s water broke. I’ve got to get back to London. Fucking hell,” she says, noticing the clock for the first time; three in the bloody morning. Unbelievable. Shona groans, stumbling over to the closet and trying to hit the light switches at the same time. “Fuck me, and today’s clients! Shit!”
“To hell with the clients,” Charlotte says. She rarely swears and it’s a bad time, but Shona’s not going to lie, it’s hot. She gets the lights on and joins Shona at the closet, dragging her own clothes off the hangers. “You go wash up first, I’ll change and start packing, we can switch in two minutes. Quickly,” she adds, when Shona stops and stares. “It’s going to take us at least two and a half hours to drive back even without the usual traffic. Let’s go.”
Charlotte’s voice calms Shona down almost like magic, her orders firm and clear. She obeys on autopilot, dazed, the panic and adrenaline really beginning to take over. She tries to remember what she learned with Aine about pregnancy and delivery even if it’s all blurring together. Thirty-seven weeks isn’t that early, is it? The baby will be fine, surely. So will Aine. Bradley would’ve said if there were complications. Surely. Shona tries to take deeper breaths, tries to hold back the tears that are coming to her eyes unbidden. Shit. No. Everything will be fine. Everything has to be fine. Shona’ll never forgive herself otherwise.
It does not end up taking two and a half hours to get back to London. They take another ten minutes to pack everything essential, check out, and race to Shona’s car and speed out of their hotel at the fastest they can go. Shona first misses the exit onto the M4 in her frenzy and the darkness, and quite nearly has a panic attack when she realises it. They pull over, and Charlotte spends twenty minutes talking her down from it before Shona can breathe normally again. Shona’s technically the better driver between them, but Charlotte takes the wheel anyway so they don’t end up crashing. She puts the radio on loud enough to drown out some of the screaming panic in Shona’s head, and talks to her about anything and everything, distracting Shona from the anxiety, from the lack of updates from Bradley.
Of all the shit luck they get a flat an hour out, and thank god traffic’s thin at that hour and Shona’s got a spare and jack in the boot, but that takes another thirty minutes of their time. Shona’s nerves are frayed as they race down the M4, and she ends up crying, messy awful gulps, more out of stress than anything. She’s just so fucking scared. Anything could happen to Aine, and it feels like a bad dream, like she’s reliving the worst moment of her life, and she can’t stop seeing that memory in her head, Aine unconscious with half a bottle of pills down her throat. Aine almost died once, and right now all Shona can think about is the possibility that this time she won’t be there to save her.
“We’re going to get back in time,” Charlotte says. Calm, low, measured, acknowledging but refusing to feed into Shona’s blind panic. “You’re going to see your sister. She’s going to be okay.”
Somewhere along the seemingly neverending motorway, Charlotte’s hand finds its way into Shona’s, held tight between the seats. Shona doesn’t even need to think about it. It’s where it belongs. Even before they reach London, reach the hospital, even before she knows everything’s going to be okay, Shona knows that this time, she’s not letting go again.
Charlotte’s just made it into London when Bradley finally calls again. Shona puts him on speaker, trying desperately to stem her tears, to stop her voice cracking. “Brad?”
“Shona,” he says, and Shona lets out a gasping cry of relief, because she can already hear it in that one word, that everything’s okay, and that’s basically all she needs to know. She tries to stop sobbing, to pull herself together, and is deeply grateful for Charlotte raising her voice from the driver’s seat and picking up the conversation. “Bradley, it’s Charlotte. We’re both listening. What’s going on? Is Aine okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, she’s okay. No complications, she’s just really fucking tired. And um, yeah, Shona, congratulations, I guess you’re officially an aunt to a really cute little girl.”
Charlotte laughs, a delighted sound, as relieved as Shona herself feels. “We’ll be there in thirty minutes. Tell Aine that Shona’s on her way. And congratulations.”
And it’s like last year all over again. Standing in a cold hospital corridor, hearing that Aine was going to live. Knowing there was a longer road ahead of them both, but that it didn’t matter in that moment, because her baby sister was alive. Aine’s okay. And Shona knows she’s going to be okay, too.
It’s a good thing, actually, that they still end up needing to drive the thirty minutes up to the hospital after Bradley gives them the news. Shona manages to calm down, wiping her eyes and letting herself relax; her muscles are tense and her eyes stinging as she comes down from the adrenaline rush. She goes almost to the other end of the spectrum, this odd, all-consuming serenity settling inside her. She suddenly understands - really understands - what Aine meant when she said Bradley made her stop holding her breath.
It’s like she’s in a dream, moving without overthinking, for the first time in a while. They reach the hospital and Charlotte pulls into a lot, grabbing her things and getting out of the car. Shona follows, but gently grabs her hand before they rush towards the lift lobby, stops her in her tracks. Charlotte pauses and turns to meet her gaze, confused. She’s so beautiful. Shona looks at Charlotte and sees - everything. Sees her future. She wants to kiss Charlotte, but holds back. There’s still so much they need to talk about. So much Shona needs to apologise for. She needs to be better from now on. And she will be.
“I love you,” she says simply. It’s a start. Maybe not the best one, but it’s exactly what she’s feeling and thinking right now. Nothing more and nothing less. She loves Charlotte. She loves Charlotte more than she ever imagined loving anyone in the world.
Charlotte, unsurprisingly, does not return the sentiment, just furrows her brows, looking slightly stressed. “This is a bit dramatic for you, even after our very intense morning,” she replies. “And I’m not sure it’s precisely the best time.”
Shona snorts, amused. “Aine’s stable, and the baby’s been born. I don’t think it can go back inside her.”
Charlotte rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. It’s wide, and sweet, and more than a little surprised, a little shy and disbelieving. Shona missed that smile more than she wants to admit. “Seriously, Shona. What is this about?”
“About me being an idiot, I guess,” Shona says. “Leading you on and hurting you and being stupid, just so incredibly stupid. And not wanting to make any more mistakes.” She gathers up more courage and asks her question. “Aine said you were still in love with me. She thinks she knows everything. But was she right, this time?”
Charlotte doesn’t lie, at least not to Shona. “Yes.”
Shona swallows hard, digging her nails into her palm and struggling to keep her voice steady. “Would you still say yes if I asked you out, properly this time, no bullshit?”
Charlotte smirks. “After you apologise, and we have several very long talks, and you consider getting therapy, and you earn back my trust, you mean?”
“Yes. To all of that.”
“Then yes,” Charlotte replies, her smile widening. “I’d let you ask me out.”
Shona laughs in relief. The warmth starts in her chest, radiating out, every inch of her, the joy so bright it feels like she’s bursting out of her skin. Aine told her to let her heart lead, and Shona thinks she has, but her head says yes to all of this too. Charlotte squeezes her hand, tightens her grip so their fingers are intertwined, doesn’t let go. “Come on already. I want to meet your niece. I did just drive four hours to see her.”
“I really want to meet her too,” Shona grins. They race to the lift lobby, following the directions Bradley’s texted, reaching Aine’s room in no time. Shona turns the handle and walks in; Charlotte follows, and makes her family complete.