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Hand in hand they left the school, leaving behind all the misery and anger in their wake. It was a new age, the first real taste of freedom at 18 where everything lay before them; terrifying and exhilarating. But Akk didn’t care as long as he had Ayan’s hand in his. An anchor that kept him tied to the shore, Ayan was his lifeline, the one who had brought him out of the darkness he had accepted to be his existence in Suppalo. Ayan was his everything.
They walked through the gates for the last time, got into Ayan’s car, and drove away.
The night was long. Akk didn’t have to be here. He had completed all the work he had to do three hours ago, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to stumble back home. Instead, he chose to sit in his empty office, watching as the streets of Bangkok twisted in vibrant colours below him. This wasn’t the life he had imagined for himself. When he was a teenager, Akk had believed by this age he would be happily married and buying a house on the outskirts on the city ready to raise a family. Of course this dream was made long before he had accepted he was gay, but there was still a part of him that had hoped it would be achievable, even if it was a man by his side instead of a woman. However, at the age of 29, alone in his single-bed apartment and working himself to the bone at a dead-end job he had tried so hard to get, Akk realised that that dream was nothing more than a dream. The time for him to grow up and stop living in a fantasy was far gone. Maybe he should give it a try.
Sighing, he scrolled through Instagram, looking wistfully at his friends on the shiny screen. Wat was somewhere in Europe presenting his last creation at a major film festival. He had been creating films since high school, but this was the first one to garner international attention. Akk was happy for him; Wat had worked so hard for this. Yet, he couldn’t deny the part of him that twisted in jealousy. Hadn’t Akk worked just as hard? Hadn’t he sacrificed just as much over the years? So why did it only pay off for Wat?
Khan had posted another picture with Thua and their son. After university, the couple had moved up north to Chiang Rai and opened a hotel together. It was just them for a few years, but recently Thua’s cousin and her spouse had passed away, leaving behind a young child. The two had taken the boy in and, whilst still facing a number of legal issues, had successfully achieved in creating the life Akk had always wished for. Jealousy is an ugly feeling and Akk hated feeling this way, but he couldn’t help himself. Khan and Thua had always had far more issues than him and Ayan. Why could they work through it, but Akk and Ayan fell apart?
Ayan had commented under the picture. It was a small, innocent comment, nothing more than ‘it was great seeing you guys :)’, but Akk felt a great pressure on his chest. He knew that Ayan regularly saw Khan and Thua. They were friends after all. It didn’t matter if they were Akk’s friends first. They are all far too old to take sides over what was an insignificant break-up on a worldwide scale.
Akk’s thumb hovered over Ayan’s profile picture. He knew he shouldn’t click on it, knowing that he would hate whatever he saw. Even though it had been seven years apart – far longer than how long they’d been together – knowing that Ayan was happy and fine without him stung. When they had ended things, Akk had known that Ayan would handle it better than him because Ayan always had. For Akk, Ayan was his first everything. For Ayan, Akk was simply another one of many, no matter how many times he had whispered in the dead of night that Akk was different. That Akk was special.
It wasn’t like Akk hadn’t moved on. He had had plenty of relationships since Ayan. But every time they ended for whatever reason, Akk would dissolve into this pathetic mess where Ayan consumed his every thought and all he wanted to do was crawl back into the only arms he had ever considered home. Too many midnights had been spent wide awake, blinking back tears as he trawled through old photos desperately searching for any sign that what they had had was as real for Ayan as it was for Akk. Each night was futile.
He clicked on Ayan’s profile. There was a new picture, dated from just a few days ago. It was of Ayan standing on a beach somewhere that looked foreign. He was facing away from the camera, looking towards a boat on the sea as the sun sunk below the horizon. The caption read ‘reminiscing on the good times’. Akk wondered who had taken the picture for him. A friend? A lover?
Turning off his phone, Akk turned to face the window again. He knew he was pathetic. He just couldn’t get Ayan out of his head.
‘Where do you think you’ll be in ten years?’
‘Hm?’
‘Do I have to repeat everything I say? I swear you’re going deaf, Bigfoot,’ Ayan chuckled, his fingers tracing patterns in Akk’s palm as they lay together on the beach. ‘I said, where you do you think you’ll be in ten years?’
Akk frowned. ‘Why?’
‘Just curious,’ Ayan shrugged. ‘Here we are, on the cusp of turning twenty, but in ten years we’ll be 29 on the cusp of turning thirty. Your twenties are the decade for change, so I was wondering whether you’d ever thought where you’d like to be at the end of it.
‘Well, when I was younger, I know I wanted to be married by the time I was 30. I’d have a stable job, a house, maybe a kid or two, or at least one on the way.’
Smirking, Ayan shoved at Akk. ‘How dull. No wonder you were prefect. You do everything by the book.’
‘Hey! I said when I was younger,’ Akk protested.’
‘Then what does Akk right now think?’
Pausing, Akk thought the question over. He hadn’t given much thought to how much his life had changed since he had originally made his life plans. Ayan was right, they were about to enter the time when everything changes and yet… ‘I don’t know. I have no clue where I’ll be in ten years. However, what I do know,’ Akk held Ayan’s hand a little tighter, ‘is that I’m perfectly happy right now.’
Ayan smiled and pressed a kiss to Akk’s cheek. ‘A lame cop-out but I’ll give it to you because you’re cute.’
‘What about you?’
‘Oh, I don’t do plans, I tend to go wherever life takes me.’ His eyes met Akk’s. ‘But I’d be perfectly happy to stay like this forever.’
‘And if life takes you away from me?’
‘Then I’ll spend every second wishing it’ll find a way to bring me back to you.’
Akk shut the door and turned the key in the lock. Checking his watch, he was surprised to see it was only 11:30pm. For the past few nights he hadn’t been able to drag himself out of the office until 2am. Hopefully this would make the cleaners less irritated with him.
The night air was cool. For a brief moment, if he closed his eyes, the breeze on his face reminded him of the sea breeze at home, the salt air and gentle rocking of the boats on the docks. But as soon as he opened his eyes, the illusion was shattered. He was back in Bangkok, breathing in the heavy air and blinded by the harsh glare of the lights. When he first moved to Bangkok for university, it had been so pretty. With Ayan by his side, he felt like the bustling crowds and shiny neon gave him endless opportunities as well as the ability for anonymity which he had so desired after the hell at Suppalo. He could disappear and be a no one in a sea of something. But in the end, it was not Akk that disappeared, but Ayan. He swore he had closed his eyes for only a second and when he came to, Ayan was lost somewhere in the crowd. Akk wouldn’t find him again.
Over the time, days drifted into months, months into years, and Akk grew to detest Bangkok. It was too loud, too busy, and yet too quiet and too lonely. There had been multiple plans to leave but each one had fallen through. At the end of the day, he had a high-paying job that, whilst going nowhere, offered him the security one needed to live comfortably. There was no reason for leaving that was stronger than the reason to stay. And so he stayed.
Akk’s movements were like clockwork. He no longer needed to think about where he was going. The routine was always the same. Wake up. Go to the gym. Go to work. Go home. Sleep. The same day, over and over again. The pavements back home were well worn with his footsteps, each one as solemn and dull as they were the day before and the day before that. On the street corners stood the old ladies selling their crafts or food, the faces the same as they had been seven years ago. They knew who Akk was but had long given up on trying to work a smile or friendly ‘hello’ from him. Now they watched as he walked home in his misery, never once daring to ask what in life was so terrible that made him who he was.
Sometimes Akk’s mechanical footsteps would bring him to a dingy bar in the backstreets. It was dark and sleezy; a place where one goes to drink and forget, make mistakes and regret. Akk went there when the ghosts got too loud. Perhaps Akk would find someone to make the night bearable.
Akk paced back and forth across the small dorm room that he and Ayan shared. It was 3am and Ayan hadn’t come back. He checked his phone again. Still no messages. This was becoming a regular occurrence and Akk didn’t like it. He knew that Ayan’s course was demanding and required a lot of studying, but there was only a limit to how far Akk’s understanding could go. No university course needed their students in the library past 3am every night in a row for the past two weeks when it isn’t exam season.
Sighing, Akk collapsed onto the bed and wrapped himself in the blankets. He knew the real reason why Ayan wasn’t coming home. It was evident in Ayan’s eyes when he saw Akk, the way the twinkle would dull and blink out, the faltering of the smile and the silence when they were together. Ayan was tired of him. The worst part was Akk couldn’t even blame him. Sometimes he was tired of Ayan too. They had been together for three years and every step of the way, Ayan was there. He went to university. Ayan was there. He went to his dorm. Ayan was there. He went to hang out with Kan and Wat. Ayan was there. He went to visit his parents. There was Ayan. And it wasn’t like he had fallen out of love. Akk still loved Ayan with all his heart. It was just sometimes he wished he could have a little space.
Knowing Ayan felt the same, Akk didn’t mind the first few nights where Ayan didn’t come home until he was asleep. It was nice to have a few hours in the evening to relax by himself or have a drink with his friends. But then Ayan started avoiding him during the day. When Akk woke up, Ayan would already be dressed and out of the door. At university, Ayan spent the whole day in the library that was allocated only for students on his course. Then Akk worked on the weekends so he never saw Ayan then either. If this was the amount of space Ayan needed, Akk wondered why Ayan wouldn’t just break up with him.
The door opened and closed with a soft click. Akk closed his eyes and listened as Ayan changed before shuffling on to the bed.
‘Akk? Baby, are you awake?’
Akk didn’t answer.
‘I’m sorry for coming home late today,’ Ayan whispered, running his hands through Akk’s hair. He placed a short, sweet kiss on Akk’s forehead. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’
Akk wished Ayan would just break up with him.
Stepping inside the bar, Akk was unsurprised to find it busy. On Friday nights the bar would always be heaving with an eclectic mix of students, office-workers and foreigners. It was the place where every came together to fall apart. When he had first started patronising the bar, Akk had been on the younger side of the crowd, but now he was leaning towards the older demographic. Looking around, he wondered whether it was time for him to find a new place to frequent that was a little more to his pallet.
However, hidden between the drunk youngsters, there were a few of Akk’s age. Some he recognised from previous flings and drunken kisses. They smiled and waved for Akk to come over which he did so gratefully as it was a means to end his awkward lingering.
‘Akk!’ A very drunk Tine staggered over to Akk and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, shouting in his ear. ‘Where have you been, man? It’s been ages! I miss you,’ he pouted.
‘It’s been three weeks,’ Akk corrected, gently removing Tine’s arm. ‘Hardly an age.’
‘It’s been an age since I had you in my bed,’ Tine slurred.
Slowly nodding, Akk edged away and looked around the group of familiar faces. There was Tine, a 32-year-old car dealer who Akk had met four years ago. Out of everyone, he was probably the one Akk knew best having spent the most time with him – even if that was mainly just sex. Phet had been 28 for the five years that Akk had known him. Despite knowing each other for a long time, they’d only fallen into bed together twice. Phet was far too difficult to read for Akk. He preferred someone easier, like Tine. Chai and Kasem were the youngest of the group, 25 and 26 respectively, and had only been around for a year or so. Heartbreak had brought that haphazard group together – and a lack of other options.
‘Don’t be such a sleaze Tine,’ Phet scolded, shoving Tine away from Akk. ‘But where have you been? Usually you’re here at least once a week but you went MIA on us.’
‘We thought you’d finally got yourself a relationship.’
Akk scoffed. ‘Yeah, as if that would ever happen Chai. You and Kasem are the only ones who stand a chance and here you are, wasting your evenings with us.’
‘Nowhere else I’d rather be,’ Kasem shrugged. ‘It does mean you haven’t met the new guy yet though.’
‘New guy?’
‘Yeah, met him at work a week or so ago. He looked miserable so I asked him if he wanted to join us for a drink or two. He fit right in, so we keep him around,’ Tine explained. ‘He’d probably be right up your alley, Akk.’
Raising an eyebrow, Akk glanced around the bar. ‘Really? Is he here?’
‘He should be here soon. He gets off work late.’
‘Oh, there he is! Right on time.’ Chai waved over the figure in the entrance. ‘Over here!’
The figure stepped into the red light of the bar and Akk’s breath caught in his throat. ‘Ayan.’
‘Ayan!’
Ayan turned to Akk, slamming his books down on the table. ‘What, Akk? What more do you want from me?’
‘Fuck, Ayan, why do you make it sound like I’m asking for so much,’ Akk shouted, hot tears pooling in his eyes. ‘I only want you to talk to me!’
‘Talk to you? All we do is fucking talk, Akk! There’s nothing left to talk about!’
Grabbing onto Ayan’s arm, Akk yanked him away from the door he was trying to escape from. ‘Don’t lie! We never talk anymore, and you know it. Shit, I’ve barely seen you in the past three months! I know there’s something wrong, but I can’t fix the problem if you won’t talk to me about it.’
‘Well maybe I don’t want to fix the problem, Akk,’ Ayan whispered hoarsely. ‘What about that?’
Akk felt his heart drop. ‘What do you want then?’
‘I… I don’t know, Akk.’ Ayan dropped his gaze and pulled his arm away from Akk. ‘I don’t want to talk about this now. But we’ll be fine,’ he tried to offer a reassuring smile. ‘We’ll be fine Akk. We’ll pull through this and come out stronger than ever, just like we always do.’
‘Aye… I can’t do this anymore.’ Shaking his head, Akk wiped away the tears. ‘I can’t do this anymore.’
‘Akk?’
‘I am so fucking tired, Ayan. Nothing I do is good enough for you anymore. I gave you space, I gave you silence, I tried so fucking hard to make things easy for you no matter how much it hurt me because I love you. But I can’t do this forever.
‘No, no, Akk, come on baby, don’t say that.’ Rushing forward, Ayan pulled Akk’s rigid body in his arms, stroking his hair in a way that was once comforting but now made Akk feel sick. ‘I love you, Akk. And I’m sorry that I haven’t been the best at showing it, but I’ll do better. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’
‘You’ve said that before.’
Ayan stilled. ‘Pardon?’
‘You,’ Akk pushed Ayan away, ‘have said that before. On one of the many nights you stumble home at 3am. You thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t. You said you were sorry and that you’d make it up to me, but you never did. Everything went on as it did.
‘Akk, I-’
‘Stop with the lies, Ayan. You might think you mean it, but you don’t. And I can’t live on empty promises anymore.’
A tear ran down Ayan’s cheek. ‘But I love you, Akk. I love you so much.’
‘You did once.’ Taking a deep breath, Akk handed Ayan his dorm key. ‘Here’s my key for the room. You haven’t noticed but I’ve moved all my stuff out. My half of rent is paid for the month already but after that, it’s all on you.’
‘Please, Akk,’ Ayan begged. ‘Don’t go. Please.’
There was silence after Akk closed the door behind him. He didn’t like it.
‘Akk.’
A heavy silence hung between the two. Noticing the heavy tension, the others shuffled away, Tine murmuring something about undealt business.
‘I didn’t realise you worked with Tine,’ Akk said, the words struggling to get out of his throat.
‘It’s a new job. I’ve only been there for a couple of weeks.’ Avoiding eye contact, Ayan gestured to the bar, ‘want a drink?’
Akk shook his head. ‘I think I should keep my head clear. I’ve got an early start tomorrow,’ he lied.
‘Oh yeah, you work for that big insurance company, don’t you? The one with that bright orange baht on the side of its building.’
‘Yeah, it’s hideous, isn’t it?’ Akk paused. ‘Hang on, how did you know that?’
‘Tine talks a lot about you guys. I put the pieces together. It’s actually why I agreed to tag along with him. Why else would I spend my Friday night in a dump like this?’ Ayan cracked a smile and Akk felt his heart soften.
‘Didn’t think you’d have any interest in seeing me again.’
‘What, after you broke my heart and stomped all over it?’ Chuckling, Ayan shook his head. ‘Should I have hated you after what you did?’
‘What I did? You hardly left me any choice, Ayan,’ Akk stated.
‘You could have given me a second chance.’
‘I gave you a million second chances.’
‘Akk.’ Leaning over the bar, Ayan placed a hand over Akk’s, the touch warm and natural. ‘I never stopped loving you. If you had just given me a little time, if you had waited-’
‘Waited?’ Scoffing, Akk removed his hand from Ayan’s. ‘What did you think I was doing for those last three months. All I did was wait and wait until I realised waiting for your love was like waiting for an aeroplane at a harbour. It’s never going to come, no matter how long you stand looking out at the horizon.’
‘Akk…’
‘What are you even doing here, Ayan? What do you want from me? Was it not enough to take my old friends from me? Do you have to take these ones too? Fine.’ Akk stood up. ‘Tell the others I’ve gone home.’
Walking out of the bar, Akk refused to let the tears fall. He cursed himself, letting his fingernails cut into the palms of his hands. Why did he have to yell at Ayan? Why did he have to accuse him of something he didn’t do? For the past seven years, all Akk had done was dream of when he would see Ayan again. Of course the minute it happened, Akk had to fuck it up.
‘Akk! Wait!’
Turning around, Akk saw Ayan running to him, oblivious of the raindrops that had started to fall. Akk wanted to run away, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.
‘Akk, please,’ Ayan panted as he tried to catch his breath. ‘Please, listen to me.’
Swallowing his pride, Akk nodded. ‘Fine.’
‘Akk, I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything I did to you. I’m sorry for running away instead of telling you how I was feeling and trying to make things better. I never should have abandoned you on those nights and if I could go back, I would tell myself to go home and hold you tight and treasure every second I had with you because it would be the only time I would feel happy. I would write you those little love notes, make you breakfast in bed, have all those little study-dates. I would do all the things I wanted to but never did for some reason I wish I understood.’
‘Ayan…’
Ayan shook his head. ‘And I know I can’t go back. But I swear, I never meant to hurt you. And ever since that day, I’ve never stopped loving you. I don’t want to steal your friends. As awful as it is, every time I visit Khan or Wat, I do it in the hopes that maybe you’d be with them too. I have been in this godawful bar every day for the last week, praying that just maybe you’d be there. Every street I walk down, I turn the corner and wish that maybe just one day I’d run into you again just so I could say I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry Akk.’
The rain fell around them, soaking through their clothes on to their skin. A mix of tears and raindrops fell down Akk’s face. ‘I only ever wanted you to love me.’
‘I did love you Akk. And I still do.’ Ayan wiped the tears from Akk’s face, his palm cradling Akk’s cheek. ‘But I swear I can do better a job at showing it. Will you let me prove it to you?’
Akk froze, his eyes fixed on Ayan’s. Everything he ever wanted was standing before him. Was it a dream?
‘Akk?’
‘Fuck you, Ayan.’
‘What-’
‘I said fuck you. You fucking bastard.’ Grabbing the nape of Ayan’s neck, Akk pulled him forwards, their lips crashing into each other. Despite the seven years apart, their lips remembered the familiar pattern and Akk rejoiced in the familiar taste he had spent his nights dreaming about. Just on the cusp of turning 30, Akk had finally found his way back home.
They pulled apart, faces flushed and drenched by the rain. ‘So… was that a yes?’
Akk laughed. ‘That was a yes, Shortstop. But if you break my heart again, I swear to God, you are dead.’
Smiling, Ayan drew Akk in for another kiss. ‘Consider me warned, Bigfoot.’