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0. Deciding to go
Tony Stark is not a planner.
This is to say, he can be so when he so desires, and he needs to. But when it comes to just living his life and having a good time, he likes to be spontaneous. Just see where life is going to take him. Chill out. Enjoy himself.
Which is why he doesn’t think twice before barging into the bathroom where Loki’s currently in the midst of taking a relaxing bath, a triumphant air about him as he announces his latest, less than well-thought-through idea. ”I think it’s time for us to go on vacation, and I’m going to book us a trip right now.”
To his credit, despite the supremely unimpressed expression on his face, Loki closes his book and puts it down quite calmly before looking at Tony. He even manages to be perfectly collected as he raises his brow and, quite eloquently, asks ”what the fuck, Tony?”
That’s the love of Tony’s life, right there.
”I need a vacation, and you kinda do too, babe. Been a bit highstrung lately. So, I’m booking us a vacation.”
For his part, Loki just shrugs and picks his book back up. ”Fine, but if you pick a place that’s too hot and with too many bugs, I am dumping you on the spot.”
Tony breaks into a grin. He can’t wait to get away for a while and indulge in all his favourite vacation activities with Loki.
1. Exploring new foods
Loki wrinkles his nose. ”Are you sure this is a good idea?”
”Of course!” Tony declares gleefully. Even he has to admit that the dish in front of them looks absolutely horrendous, but it’s famed for being delicious and very special to this particular region of the world. A real must try, so says all the websites and blogs that claim to know anything about food or travel, or both at once.
Besides, if it’s gross, Tony is going to absolutely live for the look on Loki’s face when he has to eat it, since he’s too posh to dare spit it out, and too proud not to finish.
Opposite him, Loki takes a deep breath. ”Alright. On three?”
”On three,” Tony agrees. ”One…”
”Two…” Loki follows.
”Three!” they go together. In unison, they hurry up and take a bite, as if afraid to lose their nerve. Or as if they are super cool and eager to get it done, because they are so cool and so not worried. In Tony’s expert opinion, Loki is probably doing it for reason number one, while he himself is clearly more in the second category. Tony Stark is no chicken.
That bravado and high opinion of himself lasts for all of 0.000011 seconds.
Letting out a tortured, groaning, gagging noise, Tony reaches for a napkin with such fervor that he nearly knocks the dispenser right over. Loki may be too fancy to spit out his food, but Tony the hell is not.
”What the fuck,” he moans, then looks to Loki. At least he can console himself with the fact that Loki is going to look hilarious, trying to choke it down.
Except that beautiful bastard is choking on nothing but laughter, even as he is still happily chewing his food.
”What the fuck?” Tony repeats, only this time even more incredulous. ”You like it?”
Loki shrugs nonchalantly, then swallows the bite. ”Yes. Why so surprised? You’re the one who picked this ridiculous dish.”
Bastard. He so totally knows Tony was counting on his overly refined palate rejecting this disgusting ass dish for a laugh, under the guise of ’new experiences’. And because Loki isn’t outright saying ’I know you thought you were going to have a laugh watching me make a face at this’, Tony can’t outright say ’you’re a dick for liking it, you were supposed to find it gross so we could either bond over hating it, or I could make fun of you, not so you could make fun of me.’
Doesn’t matter. They both know that’s what they want to say.
”You have terrible taste,” Tony complains instead.
”I know,” Loki deadpans, getting ready to shovel another forkful into his mouth. ”Fell for you, didn’t I?”
2. Visiting museums
”Alright, how about this… Would you rather have to eat the grapes in that still life, or the pie in that painting over there?” Tony challenges.
”Easy,” Loki scoffs. ”The grapes. Certainly, they look sort of weird and wrinkly, but that pie looks like it’s a hair shy of growing mold, and that setup cannot possibly be doing anything to improve upon its flavour. That was tame.”
It’s the third game they’ve taken to playing during this museum visit. The first was a simple game of ’pick your favourite in this room/on this wall/within this theme’. Then, when that grew boring and predictable, they switched to ”who can sniff out the best/ugliest/most ridiculous piece in this section of the museum?’ And now, they’ve moved onto the classic ’would you rather?: fancy art edition’.
It’s not that they’re incapable of simply enjoying the art. They both know a thing or two about the topic, since that’s the sort of thing a moneyed background likes to force you to care about – or pretend to care about. But. Well. This is Loki and Tony. Did you seriously, genuinely, all the way into your heart, think they were going to be able to, what, silently admire the work? Have an in-depth discussion about things like ’contrast’ and ’lighting’ and ’juxtaposition’? Maybe one-up each other with their vast knowledge about history and context? Please. You did absolutely not go into a frostiron fanfiction expecting that. And if you did, joke’s on you, Tony and Loki are laughing so hard they’re crying right now. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making you somehow think that Tony and Loki weren’t going to make up at least five games to entertain themselves throughout one single museum visit.
”Alright, fine,” Tony huffs. ”It’s not my fault this room is so boring and uninspiring. You go, then.”
”With pleasure,” Loki grins. He’s already got something utterly scandalous in mind. ”You can either stick your dick in the birthday cake on that painting there, all the guests in the picture present. Or, you can have an orgy with the people in this picture of that French war scene.”
”The orgy with the French soldiers,” Tony easily decides. ”The French are supposed to like a good time. And there’s no reason to ruin a perfectly good cake.”
”I don’t know that I’d find the cake ruined. I think we could find a use for it afterwards.” If it wouldn’t have been such an un-Loki-like gesture, he’d have waggled his eyebrows to really drive the point home. But Tony gets it anyway, laughing a bit too loud.
”Youngsters nowadays,” a scandalized voice from behind them exclaims. They both spin, only to come face to face with a handful of elderly museumgoers, looking absolutely floored, flustered, and flabbergasted by their indecency.
Loki and Tony take one look at each other, then burst out laughing.
3. Exploring new places
”Why don’t we live in a castle?” Loki demands.
They’re currently in the biggest, fanciest bedroom this entire castle has to offer – and that’s saying something. Golden filigree adorns pretty much everything that can possibly be adorned with golden filigree; the bed is massive and sumptuous, looking like you’d sink right into it if you crossed the ropes cordoning it off and jumped onto it; and over to the left, there’s a stunning set of double doors, opening up to a balcony with an incredible view of not just the gardens, but of the sea a little further out. Tony can’t really blame Loki for falling in love with this place.
Especially knowing what an absolute diva his partner is.
Still, Tony decides he feels like pretending to take offense. ”What, my tower not good enough for you?”
”Your tower doesn’t have an ocean view.”
”My Malibu mansion does.”
”Your Malibu mansion is too hot in the summer.”
”Babe, this castle is one thousand percent going to be too hot for you in the summer, too. And this place doesn’t have air con. And don’t say you’ll install any, because this place is probably protected, and prison might have AC, but it definitely doesn’t have an ocean view.”
Loki makes a face at that. ”You know what, that is an entirely fair point against living in oldtimey architechture.”
”Does that mean you’re going to concede and admit my tower is better?”
”Only if you buy me a bed as nice as this one.”
Tony’s all smug smiles. ”Deal.”
4. Going shopping
”There’s no way in hell I am letting you bring that into our home.”
A lesser man than Tony would have withered under the weight of Loki’s patented death glare. Hell, a bigger and better man might have, too. Maybe Tony’s just immune to his partner’s evil scowl. At any rate, he isn’t the least bit perturbed. His grin doesn’t waver in the slightest, nor does he lower the vase he’s holding up.
”You’re always complaining that you can’t find any vases.”
”And if you buy that one, I will make sure I can’t find that one either.”
”It’s cool!”
”It’s looks positively phallic, and not in an intentionally funny or deliberately artsy way. Not even in an unintentionally humorous way either. It’s just ugly.”
”So?” Tony counters. He extends his arms a bit, as if trying to underline that he is, in fact, offering up something great. A truly unmissable bargain, so says Tony Stark. ”Since when are you opposed to a little bit of dick decor? It’s hilarious!”
”The only person who ever gets us flowers is my mother.”
”That’s not true. Sometimes Pepper does. Or business partners. Sometimes we get flowers when we invite your family over for dinner.”
”Literally how are any of these people seeing a dick vase in our home a good way to argue your case? ”
”Well, Odin is a business man, and a part of those family dinners.”
Loki’s glare lessens slightly. It’s like his whole expression is angry and impressed at the same time. He looks like the personification of the three dots appearing when someone is texting you, and then they linger way too long, and you know it’s because you stumped them real good.
”……………….fine,” Loki relents. He isn’t outright throwing his hands in the air, but Tony just knows he’s doing it internally. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally. In all aspects but the physical, Loki is, indeed, throwing his hands in the air. ”But if my mother, or anyone who will rat us out to my mother, asks, we haven’t noticed the shape, they’re the dirty ones for noticing, and we got it because it’s from a very promising up-and-coming new artist. Got it?”
”So I get the vase and a built-in excuse to take the piss out of people? Score!”
5. Getting to go home afterwards
Let it be known to all that flying? Not Tony’s favourite activity.
Sure, he’s rich, so he gets to fly in a private plane. He’s not about to deny that that infinitely improves the experience. He’s seen what public planes are like on TV and in movies, and that’s as close as he ever intends to get. But it’s still several hours of at least some physical discomfort in at least one of several different ways, and he’s severely limited in his options of activities.
So no, getting on the plane, and having to go back home? Tony isn’t really a fan.
But… As he tilts his head to the side and lays eyes on Loki, fast asleep, mouth open unattractively wide, jaw slack and relaxed, completely conked out after popping some sleep aids… His heart melts into one big, massive, gooey puddle on the floor.
They’ve had a wonderful week. They’ve eaten good food, seen the sights, been spending way too much money on useless shit. They’ve kissed in front of a whole range of incredible views, slept way too little, and laughed until they both thought they were in danger of being sick.
And yet Tony has no problem admitting to himself that seeing Loki like this? Relaxed and a little bit disgusting with drool on his cheek, completely vulnerable in the way he only ever trusts Tony to see him? Definitely the best part of the trip, bar none.
(He’s smart enough not to mention this to his lover, though. Nor will Loki ever know that for every flight they’ve ever been on, another gross sleep picture of him winds up in a special folder on Tony’s phone.)