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Vixen in Winter

Summary:


Naruto went to grope at Sasuke’s chest, and then—

His hands froze. They squeezed Sasuke’s pecs again, just to make sure, and just as he had thought, there were two new additions to his ensemble. Naruto carefully twisted the brass balls between his fingers. The metal had been warmed by Sasuke’s body heat.

Sasuke’s face, ever impassive, didn’t betray a single emotion. “They’re bells,” he said.

 -

After Naruto inadvertently uses a Command at a Christmas party, Sasuke shows him he still has some gifts left to give. Snow ends up falling in more ways than one.

Notes:

Edit 10/13/25: Translation available in Spanish on Wattpad here, thank you Dicksterrd for translating!

I wrote and edited this in three days because had to take advantage of the rare bout of horny inspiration which only seems to strike during my vacations. The universe that this fic is set in is an agglomeration of the ABO AU and the BDSM AU, both of which I enjoy reading immensely.

So here we are! Yes it's Christmas themed, yes there is slick involved, yes I'm warning you to practice safe sex and to do your own research, etc etc etc.

This is meant to be read just for fun. (There's plot if you squint.)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Outside the apartment, there was a mess of footprints in the snow, like two people had turned into one while trying to open the door. The tracks led to a wet doormat, then to boots, haphazardly shucked to the side.

A trail of clothes littered the floor.

One sock.

A shirt inside a sweater.

Pants.

Within the building, the small, bright sound of bells jingled merrily in the quiet. But, unlike the steady tempo of carolers or parades, they were not jingling in any discernible pattern. They would ring consistently for a bit. Then stop. Then start again, though a bit slower than before. And, on occasion, there was a quiet murmur or a suffocated groan—muffled noises that made one wonder what exactly was happening behind the closed door on the day of the lord.

Naruto didn’t have to wonder. Naruto knew exactly what was happening. His cock was buried deep in Sasuke’s ass. And, with every thrust, some of Sasuke’s slick oozed out and trickled in between his legs, and the tiny bells on his nipples jingled.

 


 

Naruto, in a rare, frantic burst of impulse, had run to the dollar store to pick up some knick-knacks to wear before the party. He returned to the apartment with a large bag filled with all the goodies he could find and then some. There was gold tinsel, a candy cane crown, faux fur, and some pasties, among other things. The cream of the crop however, was a set of reindeer antlers on a headband. They lit up with the push of a button. Naruto had found them rather charming. 

Sasuke had not.

“This is tacky,” said Sasuke, tossing it to the side. “I’m not wearing them.”

“Come on,” Naruto weedled. “Don’t ruin the Christmas spirit. It’s festive! You’ll look great.”

Sasuke made an expression of extreme disagreement.

“No, seriously. You would totally rock these antlers.” Naruto clicked the button. “See!? Look at them. Come on.”

“I’m already wearing red, Naruto. Don’t push your luck. This is as much as you’re going to get. Remember, I’m the one doing you a favor by showing up to this ‘non-denominational holiday party’, where ninety-nine percent of the people who are going are Christian. God bless our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. You can wear the tacky necklace and the lame antlers.”

“I’m already wearing the tacky necklace!” It wasn’t actually tacky. Naruto thought the necklace of Christmas bulbs looked rather nice. They, like the antlers, also lit up.

“Good. The antlers would go perfectly with them.”

“But I‘ve got my Santa hat already…”

“Then we’ll leave them at the apartment.”

In a last ditch effort, Naruto gave Sasuke his best puppy-dog eyes. Sasuke countered with a level-headed stare. The western showdown was a draw for all of three seconds. They looked into each other’s eyes. Naruto internally marveled at Sasuke’s eyelashes. Finally, when it was clear Sasuke wasn’t going to budge, he sighed and gave up. He was always weak to Sasuke’s level-headed stare anyways.

Sullenly, Naruto set the antler headband to the side. He pulled on his Santa hat which was a little too big for his head, and buttoned up his jacket. Sasuke’s expression softened minutely. 

“Don’t worry, you look festive enough for the both of us,” he said.

Naruto gave him his most woeful look. “Why won’t you be my Mrs. Claus,” he said, adding a wobble to his voice.

Sasuke punched him in the arm. “I already am, you dolt. Now hurry up. We’re already late because of your detour to the store. Don’t forget to put on your patches before you leave.”

 

-

 

The party was the kind of party that Naruto didn’t think he would ever have the gall to throw in his apartment. Then again, his apartment wasn’t two-thousand square feet in the nice part of town. He had been invited by a friend of a friend. If the size hadn’t been daunting enough, when he walked up the staircase wrapped in a lovely green garland and caught sight of the massive Christmas tree in the foyer, that would have done the trick. Combined with the infinite string of lights, poinsettias, and the miniature Christmas village that recycled a music-box version of O Holy Night, he felt wildly out of his element.

“Hey,” he whispered loudly to Sasuke, “is this a posh Christmas party? Did we get invited to a posh Christmas party? I thought this stuff only happened in Hallmark movies.”

“You need a drink,” Sasuke said flatly, breaking away towards the kitchen bar.

“I need my Mrs. Claus.”

Sasuke ignored him. “I’ll go get you a drink,” he said, and then he was off joining the long line already forming. Naruto’s eyes wandered downwards and landed on his ass. Sasuke had worn his nice jeans. They made his butt look extremely squeezable. Naruto, weak to temptation, had already palmed the round curves discreetly under their winter coats when they walked over. 

But Naruto wasn’t the only one checking Sasuke’s ass out. 

Now, here was the thing. Angular Sasuke, with his dark eyes, fair skin, and disinterested expression, was a stunner. He was attractive. It wasn’t like he could help it. Naruto understood from the get-go that he had landed the jackpot. But that didn’t mean that he appreciated the eye-flickers of the other partygoers on him as he waited in line for a drink. 

Part of him puffed up in pride. Sasuke had chosen him and not any of the other bozos at the party. That meant something. 

The other part of him wanted to threaten the bozos into submission so they wouldn’t get any funny ideas. 

He watched as someone put their hand on Sasuke’s shoulder to maneuver around the area. Their hand may have lingered for a millisecond too long. Naruto growled low in his throat as Sasuke was momentarily distracted by someone who wasn’t him. 

“Woah there, big dog. You need to chill out. Your Dom side is kicking up a storm,” said Kiba, who had just appeared at Naruto’s side with a plate of cheese and crackers. He was wearing a very tasteless sweater of two reindeer humping. It was extremely graphic.

“Yo,” said Naruto, for lack of a better greeting. He cleared his throat, deflating a bit. The earlier feeling dissipated. 

Kiba, now that the threat was over, stepped closer to give him a light pat on the back. “Hey man.”

“Hey. Sorry. Lost control for a second there. Does it smell bad?”

His friend shrugged. “Nah, not yet. Your patch is helping. Could see the hairs on your neck rising though. Don’t worry, I get how you feel, but he’ll be fine. People would be insane to try anything. You guys are clearly an item.”

“He didn’t want to wear the reindeer antlers,” said Naruto.

“He doesn’t need to. He’s wearing a collar. Your collar. Forget scent patches—it’s more obvious than a wedding ring. People would be blind not to notice that.”

“It’s not really obvious. It’s pretty low-profile. Doesn’t exactly say my name on it.”

“No,” Kiba agreed, “and I sure hope it never will. Because that would be in extremely poor taste.”

Naruto opened his mouth, tempted to bring up Kiba’s sweater as another example of poor taste, but Kiba took the opportunity to feed him a cheese cube instead. Naruto paused for a moment, chewing the salty dairy cube contemplatively. It tasted fucking amazing. He stuffed three more into his mouth. 

Soon, Sasuke returned with drinks. He gave Kiba a cursory nod. He passed Naruto a beverage that looked quite expensive—a sprig of pine floated in the cup. The drink was golden and fizzy.

Naruto sipped plaintively at it. 

“Anyone else we know here?” Sasuke asked, taking a much bigger sip.

“Eh, a few are around. Just some of the usual crew,” said Kiba. “They’re hanging in the other room.” He waved in the general direction behind him.

“We’ll say hi and then explore the party a bit,” said Naruto. “This place is massive. If the main area is this decked out, I can’t wait to see what the rest of it looks like.”

Kiba quickly shook his head. “Not a good idea,” he said.

Naruto was confused. “Why? Is the rest of the apartment off-limits?”

“No, it’s just…” Kiba looked around furtively. Then, he added in a whisper, “There are some weird people here. And I mean weird. I know this was an open invitation and anyone could show up, but seriously. Like, have some proper social conduct, you know? Just because it was an open invitation doesn’t mean it's an open scene.”

Sasuke’s lip curled. “They’re doing that here?”

Kiba held both hands up. “All I can say is, don’t go into the second floor bathroom. Things are getting freaky. And it smells hella gross.”

Naruto groaned and dragged a hand over his face. It was more than he had wanted to hear, but he had asked. Dumb of him really.

“I’ll pretend you didn’t say anything,” he said, “but will gladly take your advice and steer clear of the second floor bathroom.”

For the rest of the evening, Naruto and Sasuke continued mingling with the other party attendees. A number of people cheerfully complimented Naruto’s outfit. He passed on the compliment to Sasuke, who simply reminded him that he had told him earlier that he was festive enough for the both of them. Clearly, the dollar store trip hadn’t been in vain. 

As the party progressed things grew rowdier. It wasn’t every day that drinks were on the house. The open bar sneakily changed their glass cups into plastic ones. Naruto found that his cup was never empty—everyone wanted to drink with them, to find a reason to celebrate. He was only too happy to oblige. Their plastic glasses clinked together for every occasion. Someone just got married? Cheers! They just moved into the area? Cheers! Ah, their ex fell down a manhole? Cheers!

He downed mixed drink after mixed drink after mixed drink, until he was just shy of nauseous, and very, very in love with Sasuke. 

Sasuke had gone drink for drink with him. There was a high flush on his cheeks. Naruto hoped he was horny. 

More and more people arrived, and the temperature in the apartment skyrocketed, even with the windows open. Naruto stripped off his jacket and tied it around his waist. Sasuke opted to keep his sweater on, but the flush on his face was now accompanied by a slight sheen of sweat.

“I’m going to step outside,” said Sasuke, scratching at the patch on his neck.

Naruto knew he had a dopey grin on his face. He simply didn’t care. “Okay,” he said. Sasuke could do whatever he wanted. Sasuke was the best.

Sasuke stepped out onto the balcony. Naruto watched him.

“Tone down the PDA or get a room,” Kiba said, once again popping up by Naruto’s side. Despite his track record with other things, Kiba generally had a level head on his shoulders. He seemed to have a penchant for watching over Naruto once he was alone, just to make sure his second nature didn’t get the better of him.

Naruto, completely smitten, was on cloud nine. Quite honestly, he didn’t really care what Kiba thought.

“He’s so good,” he said. “He’s just…wow. Sasuke is just…like. Wow. Have you seen him? Actually, don’t look at him. You probably—probably shouldn’t look at him.”

“You’re drunk and you’re being ridiculous.”

“I’m really not, I’m just—he smells so good. Like all the time.”

Kiba wrinkled his nose. “Dude, TMI. That information should stay in the bedroom.”

Naruto felt saliva pool in his mouth. The bedroom. Now that was an idea. Wouldn’t that be nice, seeing Sasuke blindfolded and strung up, toes curling against the floor? 

“…I don’t know what kind of thoughts are running through your mind right now, but hold them in. Your horny vibes are freaking me out,” said Kiba.

Naruto was trying, he really was. But… Sasuke.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang upstairs, like a door being slammed open. Several people paused their conversations. A group tumbled into view on the second floor landing, giggling, completely wasted, clothes half hanging on their bodies. Their hands were wandering inappropriately over their genitals. Strange fluids coated their hands and legs. Their stench washed over Naruto and his earlier fantasies about Sasuke unfortunately ended. If the looks of them weren’t enough, the smell of them sure was.

Kiba was pinching his nose. He looked angry. “They aren’t wearing their patches,” he whispered loudly to Naruto. “They stink. And if a Vanilla like me is saying it, that’s how you know it’s really bad.”

He was putting it lightly. They smelled atrocious. Several party-goers had pulled their turtlenecks and scarves over their noses. Other people, who may have had some sort of compatibility, sniffed tentatively—but then turned their heads, coughing into their elbows. It was too much. Any involvement with that bunch reeked of trouble. 

The sex group laughed racouciously, stumbling down the stairs and chattering amongst themselves, completely disregarding the fact that they were ruining the party vibe. Naruto’s hand unconsciously squeezed into a fist.

“Hey,” one of the men said, swaying into the wall, “it’s too hot in here. We should go outside.”

The rest of the group made sounds of agreement. They staggered through the crowd which had parted like the Red Sea, giving them a straight path to the balcony. A gust of frigid air entered the apartment, then disappeared when a good samaritan closed the door behind them, effectively serving as a barrier. An uncomfortable silence settled in the apartment. Did that just happen? Really? Apparently so. The party picked up again. Everyone wanted to gossip about what had transpired.

“Good riddance,” Kiba muttered.

“I’m going to grab Sasuke,” said Naruto, “he’s outside and I don’t want him around them.”

“I don’t think anyone does. Go get your man.”

Naruto, with a little bit of trouble, pushed his way through the throng of people which had moved to fill in the space. Several were gathered by the balcony doors, peeking through the frosted window, trying to get a peek at what was happening outside without committing to leaving the warm apartment. Naruto pushed those people away too. The moment he stepped outside and the winter cold nipped at his cheeks, he could tell something was wrong. There was a group of people on the balcony gathered in a circle. Even in the open air, the scent of anxiety was present.

A couple of people from the second floor bathroom and Sasuke were in the middle of the it. Sasuke looked pissed.

“I am taken,” Sasuke said, flicking at the necklace he was wearing. “I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t care if all of you are Doms or if none of you are. I’m not here to join a scene. In fact, you’re making a scene of a different kind. I don’t know where the host is but I think you should leave.”

“The guy said he’s not interested,” a person piped up from outside the circle. “You really shouldn’t press any further.”

“Seriously. Leave,” Sasuke said firmly. His words however, fell on deaf ears. The offenders weren’t interested in taking no for an answer. 

“Come on,” one of the women said, squeezing her barely covered breasts together, “don’t I smell good?” She fluttered her eyelashes. Her scent was acrid. “I swear, I can smell you under your patch. You smell pretty nice to me. Nice and sweet.”

Sasuke recoiled. “If you won’t leave, I will.” He turned on his heel.

The man next to the woman grinned. He drawled, “I don’t think so. I think you should stay right where you are.”  

Sasuke stiffened. Naruto saw red, and it had nothing to do with Sasuke’s sweater. He forced his way through the circle. He had half a mind to rip off his own patch and show them who was boss, but that wouldn’t make him better than the hindbrains currently leering at Sasuke like vultures. The other bystanders stood around, shuffling their feet. Several made the wise decision to beeline back inside the apartment. 

“What you just did,” said Sasuke, anger simmering just beneath his calm expression, “can get you arrested.”

“I’ll punch your face in for talking to my Sub like that,” said Naruto. The alcohol was making him angrier than he wanted to be. In an ideal situation, he would smooth everything out with little to no altercations, then take Sasuke back home to do unspeakable things to his asshole. But Naruto’s instincts were in full overdrive. Being in control wasn’t something he was entertaining at the moment. 

Sasuke blinked, surprised to see Naruto there.

The man laughed. “Just having a little bit of fun man, sorry. Didn’t know he was your Sub.”

“He’s wearing my collar,” Naruto snarled.

“That small thing? Hardly noticed it.”

It was a thin, braided leather cord, tied in a loose knot at the base of Sasuke’s throat. Naruto had made it himself. He had wrapped that same leather around Sasuke’s neck until it had become soft and pliable. Sasuke had writhed on that bed for hours.

It was a low blow to insult a Sub’s collar. Out of the corner of Naruto’s eye, Sasuke bristled. 

"Back down,” the man said. 

Naruto bit the inside of his cheek. He tasted iron. That was two strikes. “I should teach you what it’s like to have a Command used on you without your consent,” he said. His patience was near zero. He reached for the patch, ready to peel it off right then and there. The man had no excuse. Whether it was due to drugs or alcohol, Naruto would shove his own medicine back down his throat. 

Sasuke hissed at him. “Don’t do it, moron. Leave it alone.”

Sasuke was too nice. Naruto was not. He could do it. He could exercise the voice he used to mark his territory. He could flex the power that no one other than Sasuke was ever privy to. A single look, a single press of his foot against the offender’s dick, would end it. It wouldn’t be hard.

High out of her mind, the woman failed to read the mounting tension. Instead, she began to proposition them which was an awful idea. All she had eyes for were two very attractive men in front of her. She had no foresight into the future consequences.

“You want to join us?” she asked eagerly, as if it was the perfect solution to all their problems. “You and your Sub could both come over and have some fun with us. We could play around with each other. I’m a Switch. I’m open to—”

In the end, it wasn’t Naruto who broke first. It was Sasuke. In a flash, Sasuke was lunging forward. Those closest to him in the crowd, already prepared for things to get physical, grabbed at this sweater and pulled him back. Sasuke wrestled against them.

“Get lost,” he hissed. “Get out of here before I kick the shit out of all of you.”

When they made no motion to leave, Sasuke struggled, ready to make due on his threat. He gave the people holding him back a run for their money. A few looked nervous he might actually break free.

The man sneered. He had abandoned his previous character. His true self was showing loud and proud. “You don’t want to play? Think you’re better than us? Fine. Suit yourself. Dumb slut Subs should sit in their proper place. Go make me a sandwich, why don’t you? Your master is hungry.”

He spit on the floor by Sasuke’s feet. 

The crowd gasped. 

“What the fuck,” someone said. “You can’t say shit like that anymore!”

Naruto couldn’t care less about their reactions. That was three strikes. He was done. He ripped off the patch on his neck. His scent settled heavily in the air. It smelled like a Dom who was defending his territory. The man’s face was looking extremely punchable at the moment, and a promise was a promise. 

“You should sit your ass down,” said Naruto.

Suddenly, everyone was on the ground. Sasuke was on his knees. Some of the partygoers blinked owlishly, surprised at their own involuntary obedience as their rear ends landed on the balcony floor.

Naruto wasn’t done yet. The man and the woman were both on the cold tile. The man was struggling to get up. He looked confused—of course he was. Doms weren’t typically subjected to Commands like this. But resistance was futile when Naruto was the one issuing them.

"Beg him for forgiveness,” said Naruto. 

The man opened his mouth, horror spreading across his face. He was realizing that he was no longer in control of his own actions. Good.

But, before the man could plead for Sasuke’s mercy, the doors to the balcony burst open. Kiba was gesturing towards them. A woman with dark red hair and a scandalous navy dress walked over. Annoyance wrinkled her features. Several men and women in suits trailed after her.

“Alright alright. Show’s over. Stop fighting. Security, get these half-naked goons off my property. They’re not welcome here,” she said. “Oh, and while you’re at it, arrest the guy who looks like he’s about to piss his pants. I hear he’s been using Commands without someone’s consent. He can figure out how to defend himself at the station, I’m sure they’d love to hear his side of the story.”

Almost immediately, all members of the voyeuristic sex group were grabbed by the imposing security guards and booted from the party. The crowd quickly clambered to their feet and exited the balcony. It has been enough excitement for one evening.

The woman turned to Naruto and Sasuke. “Sorry they ruined the party,” she said, and she truly did sound apologetic. “Don’t understand how they thought any of this was a good idea. I’ve already got a cleaning crew disinfecting the bathroom—scent patches and toys everywhere. it’s got to air out for a couple of hours.”

“Thank you for taking care of them,” said Sasuke.

The woman gave them a small quirk of her lips. “It was no problem. I regret that I didn’t catch it sooner. Hostess duties were distracting me for a bit.” She twirled  a strand of red hair around her finger. “You guys staying? I can hook you up with some very nice liquor as an apology.”

“We’re good,” said Sasuke. “We were just about to head out.”

Naruto blinked. “We were?”

Sasuke reached down and picked up Naruto’s discarded scent patch from the floor, smoothing it carefully over Naruto’s neck. “Yes,” he reaffirmed.

“Well then, thank you for coming,” the woman said. “Happy holidays. Have a safe trip back.”

“Thank you for inviting us,” said Sasuke. “Happy holidays to you as well.” He took Naruto’s hand in his and began pulling him back inside. Then, it was a blur of hasty goodbyes, a couple last drinks, Sasuke tugging and tugging and tugging from one area to the rest until they were by the front doors. He snagged Naruto’s jacket from the closet, deposited his scarf in his arms and started putting on his boots. As calm as he was acting, there was an undercurrent of manic energy beneath it all.

“Uh, did I miss something? Do we have somewhere we need to be?” asked Naruto. 

Sasuke pursed his lips. “Yes. Outside. Move.”

Fine, Naruto would humor him. Perhaps he really just wanted to leave the party early but was too proper to say so. He zipped up his jacket, hollered one last goodbye, and followed Sasuke back out into the cold. They walked a few blocks. Snow crunched under their feet. Then, Sasuke glanced furtively around before pulling him into the garden space between two buildings. They were hidden from view.

Naruto smiled. “You finally going to tell me what’s going on?” he teased.

“Yes. I have something to show you,” said Sasuke. His breath fogged in the air. With a pinch of his fingers, he peeled Naruto’s glove off. He tucked it into his pocket. He looked up at Naruto with his deep, dark eyes, face framed by his fuzzy winter hood, looking far too innocent to be maneuvering Naruto’s hand under his parka jacket and into the back of his pants.

Naruto smelled the slick before he felt it. It was Sasuke’s very essence, the kind of scent that one wished they could gulp down. Naruto was lucky to have gotten to do it quite frequently. He groaned, leaning in to press his nose into Sasuke’s neck. His fingers were coated in Sasuke’s slippery juice. It had completely soaked through the fabric of his underwear.

“Oh fuck. Sasuke—you can’t do this to me. When—have you been like this all night?”

“It got worse after you used your voice. You were the one who did this to me,” said Sasuke. He guided Naruto’s hand to the crease of his ass, pushing his fingers into the wetness. “But that’s not all. I have another present for you.”

“We exchanged presents this morning.”

“Don’t act dumb, Naruto,” Sasuke breathed, and then he was leading Naruto underneath his jacket, under the layers of his sweater and his undershirt. Naruto traced the familiar cross-crossing straps of a leather harness, just tight enough so that Sasuke’s flesh spilled slightly over the edges. He gulped. His pants grew extremely tight around his crotch. He didn’t—he hadn’t the faintest idea that Sasuke had been wearing it all night.

Naruto went to grope at Sasuke’s chest, and then—

His hands froze. They squeezed Sasuke’s pecs again, just to make sure, and just as he had thought, there were two new additions to his ensemble. Naruto carefully twisted the brass balls between his fingers. The metal had been warmed by Sasuke’s body heat. 

Sasuke’s face, ever impassive, didn’t betray a single emotion. “They’re bells,” he said.

Naruto was at a loss for words. His mind was racing. He wanted to see them. He had to see them. They were on Sasuke’s nipples. Sasuke’s cute, biteable, pink nipples. There were bells on Sasuke’s nipples. This was—this was—

Sasuke stepped forward. Naruto swore he could hear a tiny jingle. 

Sasuke’s lips curled up into a sly smile.

“Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.”

 


 

Naruto had kissed and licked at Sasuke’s lips, fingers rubbing and pushing and grabbing anywhere they could all the way home. Sasuke, to his credit, had resisted his advances quite well, but it was all part of the game. Once they managed to get inside his defenses dropped immediately. 

He kicked off his boots, ripped off Naruto’s patch, bit at his gland, tore at his jacket. Desperate. Seeking. Naruto smashed their mouths together again in a searing kiss, and like clockwork, Sasuke unbuttoned and pushed down his own pants so that the scent of slick hit Naruto full force.

Naruto chanced a look down. It was smeared across the inside of Sasuke’s thighs. Wetness was trickling onto the doormat. And then, he could hold himself back no longer.

It took mere seconds for Naruto to haul Sasuke into the bedroom, growling and yanking off his pants in the process. He flipped Sasuke over his lap, settling him so his face was down on the sheets, ass presenting up.

The mess of slick on Sasuke’s ass was soon joined by an imprint of Naruto’s hand. After a few hits, pink was blooming beautifully on his pale skin. Sasuke reacted the best when Naruto slapped at the junction of his ass and thighs. 

But it wasn’t enough. 

"Spread yourself,” Naruto commanded. A spurt of fresh slick leaked out of Sasuke, but he was obedient. He took one asscheek in each hand and spread them apart. His hole, wet and shiny, clenched and unclenched.

Naruto wanted to drink out of him like a fountain. “Wider.”

Sasuke spread himself wider. In this position, Naruto could see a bit of the pink on the inside. 

Sasuke was going to be the death of him. The things he could do—Naruto never stood a chance. 

“Hit me,” Sasuke said.

“You have to say it nicely.”

“Hit me—hit me please.”

Naruto slapped him fast and hard across his hole, once, twice. The slick gushed between his fingers. Sasuke let out a moan.

There was no denying it. Sasuke’s ass was red. But still, it wasn’t red enough.

“Want to draw lines on your body,” Naruto panted, slapping Sasuke’s asshole again, watching the hole wink at him and his lover shudder in his lap, “want to paint you in it. The red would look so good on you. Give you a pattern underneath your clothes.”

“There’s a present for that,” Sasuke said in a strained voice. “Check under the bed.”

Naruto reached down. His fingers wrapped around a slim, wooden rod. Indeed, Sasuke had been right—Santa had gifted them with a new present to play with. It was a cane, striped in alternating red and cream. Naruto removed the silk ribbon and instantly put it to good use. Never hard enough to draw blood, but always hard enough to make Sasuke grasp at the bedsheets, voice whining with each hit. He liked it when it stung. And Naruto was sure to aim it just right so the globes of his flesh ass jiggled slightly upon impact. 

It did wonders. Lines materialized under the swell of Sasuke’s ass cheeks.

Sasuke groaned. 

Naruto made a non-committal sound. He took the striped cane and rubbed it between Sasuke’s ass, making sure to slide it up and down against his messy hole. “You close, baby?”

Sasuke groaned again, soft and muted.

Yes, then. “You want to come?” asked Naruto.

Sasuke nodded. Naruto blew on his hole, admiring the shimmering wetness. 

“I don’t know,” he said. “The night’s still young. I have some more presents to unwrap, and I’d like to take my time with them.”

“What else is there, other than me?” said Sasuke. He was out of breath.  

“If you keep talking, you’ll find out.” 

Sasuke’s eyes glinted. “Oh. Will I?”

Naruto’s blood roared to life. Sasuke was implementing a dangerous strategy and they both knew it. “For being in such a vulnerable position, you’re being awfully chatty tonight, Sasuke. I had initially put you on my nice list. Perhaps I was mistaken,” he said. He rubbed the cane harder through the slick. It was a warning. Just a hint of the punishment that would soon follow.

“Perhaps you were,” Sasuke replied. Naruto began tapping the cane against Sasuke’s asshole. The collision made a very satisfying, juicy, smacking sound. Sasuke’s ass rose up imperceptibly to meet each hit, bouncing lightly on Naruto’s lap. 

“Mm. Perhaps. But I’m feeling generous today.” Naruto palmed a red cheek and squeezed it. He focused on the flesh curving beneath his fingers. “I’ll leave it to your judgment. Be honest, now. Tell me Sasuke—what do you think? Have you been naughty, or nice?”

The challenging glint in Sasuke’s eyes, if possible, grew brighter. His lips parted. 

“I’ve been very naughty,” he answered, casually resting his face on the palm of his hand. He crossed his ankles together in a sign of overt casualness, like Naruto hadn’t been caning him just moments prior. “Perhaps you should wash out my filthy mouth. I’ve been saying a lot of bad words recently.”

“Somehow, I doubt that. I think you’re just a glutton for punishment,” said Naruto.

“Oh? Do I need to prove it to you? How about some examples?” Sasuke ticked down his fingers. “Fuck. Cock. Slick. Squirt. Ass. Dick. Semen. If you’d like, I can even use them in a sentence so you get the full picture.” He made a show of sticking his fingers in his mouth, moaning and sliding his tongue around them, sucking and slurping noisily.

It was terribly erotic.

“Watch yourself,” Naruto warned.

Sasuke took no heed, choosing to mock him instead. “Oh, I sure will. Fuck your thick, hard cock into my ass, I want your knot to pop into my hole so I can squirt slick all over—”

 


 

And that led them to the present moment. Naruto was grinding three fingers into Sasuke’s ass with agonizing slowness. The puffy rim of Sasuke’s hole seemed to grab onto him when he pulled back, greedily sucking him deeper when he shoved his fingers back inside. There was a wet patch of slick on the bed. 

Naruto tutted. “You weren’t kidding about being naughty. Look at you. Making a mess everywhere. You haven’t stopped leaking since we started.” He hooked his fingers upwards, and pulled.

Sasuke, with the gag in his mouth, could only make a low noice in his throat, but he pushed himself up on his knees and followed Naruto’s nonverbal command. He presented himself just the way Naruto liked it—back arched, ass at eye-level. Naruto leaned down and scraped his teeth along the small of his back, tasting some of the slick which had spread there. The red lines from their earlier pain play were still visible. Sasuke shivered.

Naruto had long since divested him of his sweater. The straps of Sasuke’s harness were stretched tight around his torso, his wrists bound by Naruto’s necklace of glowing Christmas lights. The antlers Sasuke had rejected earlier that day were on his head. They were glowing. And of course, the bells—the bells that had started it all were dangling from his nipples; tiny, brass bells that made a merry sound every time Naruto shoved his fingers in and Sasuke was pushed minutely forward. Naruto had spent a lot of time on those bells, flicking them, pulling them, biting the nubs that held them up. Sasuke’s chest was covered in marks. 

“Mrghfff,” said Sasuke.

“Hm? Feel good?”

Sasuke gave a small nod. 

“Naughty boys don’t deserve to feel good,” said Naruto, ripping his fingers out and landing a loud spank on Sasuke’s ass, “but perhaps I’ve been too harsh. You didn’t know what was in store for you when you decided to confess truthfully, and honesty does deserve some sort of reward. If you’d like, I can give you a chance. You want that? Do you want me to give you a chance?”

Sasuke gave another small nod. 

Naruto turned Sasuke over onto his back. Sasuke’s cock was extremely hard. Naruto reached for the ribbon that had been wrapped around the cane. Carefully, he tied it into a bow around Sasuke’s dick, then leaned back to admire his handiwork. The scarlet color matched beautifully. 

“It’s just a precaution, in case you get any ideas about coming without permission,” he said.

Sasuke watched him hungrily. Naruto flicked at one of the bells, then stood up. He took off his pants and shirt. The fabric of his underwear was peeled away as he slid his dick out, giving it a couple of pumps to take the edge off. For Sasuke’s benefit, he squeezed a little harder, just so he could fully admire the glistening tip.

Naruto returned to the edge of the bed. He spread his legs so his cock was in full view. 

He gestured to it.

“Here’s your chance. If you please me and prove you can listen to instructions, I’ll give you what you want. If you don’t, well, only one of us is coming tonight. Does that sound like a fair trade?”

Sasuke made a sound of acquiescence. Naruto smiled. “Great. We’re off to a good start. Come over here, I’ll take the gag off. But if you speak without being spoken to first, it’s going back on.”

Sasuke shuffled over. Naruto removed the gag and tossed it to the side. Sasuke ran his tongue over his teeth, stretching the organ out, looking far too contemplative for his own good. Naruto could tell Sasuke wanted to test his limits. He wanted to say something just to see how far he could go before his Dom snapped. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried before, but all attempts had ended in failure. The gag had gone back on more than a few times. When it came to bedroom affairs, Naruto was the more patient one between the two of them. 

Sasuke tucked a strand of hair behind his ears, tongue darting out.

“On your knees. Hands where I can see them. Suck.”

Sasuke, after only a small second of deliberation, did as he was instructed. He settled on his knees, fluid and graceful, like the position was one he had sat in thousands of times. He placed his bound hands on his thigh. He opened his mouth. And then, he swallowed Naruto all the way down. 

It really did make for a vision, Naruto thought to himself, seeing Sasuke lavishing so much attention on his cock. Sasuke sucked on it, licked the head, pushed it so far down his throat that his nose brushed against Naruto’s crotch. He knew how to put on a show. Even the angle at which he peered upwards at Naruto was carefully calculated. The reindeer antlers made it better.

But, as the show continued, Naruto began to notice some smaller changes in Sasuke’s act. His posture had relaxed. His eyes had gone a bit hazy. From the looks of it, he was enjoying having his mouth filled with cock. His sucking had lost some of its earlier precision. Naruto could smell his arousal, sugary like vanilla ice cream. He took his time fucking his mouth, darkly satisfied by the obscene stretch of his lips over his cock, by the sight of spit dripping slowly down his chin and onto the ground.

Naruto slowly pulled his cock out of Sasuke’s mouth. Sasuke gave him a dazed look. 

“You like cock?” Naruto said. “You like sucking on cock?”

“Yes,” whispered Sasuke. “I love cock.”

“Good boy. That’s a good answer. Well then, I have another little challenge for you. I think you’ll pass beautifully. Remember, if you listen well, I’ll give you what you want.”  Naruto moved further away from the edge of the bed. “Stand up.

Sasuke wobbled to his feet. There was a small pool of slick on the floor. 

“Ride me,” said Naruto. “I want to hear those cute bells jingling. When you’ve made enough music, then I’ll let you stop. Am I understood?”

Sasuke crawled over to Naruto and straddled him, already settling his wet hole over his cock. “Yes.”

“Ah ah ah. Not so fast. I wasn’t done talking yet.” Naruto pointed to the mirror on the wall. “Since you didn’t watch yourself earlier, you need to watch yourself now. Face this direction. No looking away. Spread those legs and ride my cock. If you don’t do it fast enough—well. I might have to start grabbing that small waist of yours and bouncing you on my cock myself.”

“Nrgh,” said Sasuke. Moisture landed on Naruto’s dick. Sasuke had let out more slick again. Without another word, he turned around and spread his legs wide, and sheathed Naruto's cock inside himself.

He began to ride.

Perhaps, thought Naruto, he had been a little too mean. In the reflection of the mirror, Naruto’s thick penis was disappearing into Sasuke’s asshole, covered in a mixture of slick and precome. Sasuke’s chest was heaving slightly. Sweat was dripping down his neck. His thighs flexed and clenched every time he moved up and fucked down, the loose ends of his leather collar flopping weakly against his sternum. 

And the rest of Sasuke—well. Were there any words that could describe how the harness pushed the muscles of his chest together? The line of his neck, the satin bow on his dick, the way his pretty balls bounced? The slap of skin on skin, how he moaned and trembled and shuddered? And with each thrust, how those bells jingled—the sound of Christmas joining in on their festivities. They tugged on his pink nipples, helpless to the force at which Sasuke was spearing himself on Naruto’s cock. Naruto sucked a hickey onto the back of Sasuke’s neck and peered darkly over his shoulder to catch a better glimpse.

Indeed, they were jiggling up and down, ringing like Sasuke was a little reindeer who had been caught by a big, bad wolf.

“Jingle them more,” said Naruto. 

Sasuke whined and bounced faster. The jingling pace sped up. Naruto slapped the flat of his hand against Sasuke’s ass. 

"More.”

“I can’t,” gasped Sasuke, “I’m going to come—”

Naruto reached around and gripped the base of Sasuke’s cock tightly, right over the precome-stained bow. Sasuke’s back arched, pressing against Naruto’s chest as his orgasm was stolen from him.

“You didn’t forget our agreement, did you?” Naruto asked. He squeezed again for emphasis.

“No,” said Sasuke hoarsely. “I didn’t forget. I…I was warning you.”

“Oh,” said Naruto, pleased. “That’s very impressive. I’m proud of you.” He kissed him. Sasuke melted in his arms. “That’s very good. You’re doing so well. It would be a shame to stop here. Just a little bit more, hm?” His hands traced Sasuke’s abs, wandering downwards past the warm muscles to lightly finger the area where his asshole was pulsing around his dick. He licked at Sasuke’s shoulder. Salt burst on his tongue.

It gave him an idea. A wonderful, terrible idea.

“To be honest,” he said slyly, “I could use a snack. I’m a bit…hungry. Can you give me something to eat?”

Sasuke nuzzled against Naruto’s scent gland. “What would you like?” he asked, voice barely a whisper. 

“Milk and cookies would be great.”

Sasuke sluggishly sat up. He wriggled his ass and Naruto’s dick popped out. A combination of precome and slick dripped out of his hole and down thighs, white and thick. “I’ll go make them,” he mumbled.

Naruto grinned in spite of himself. He pulled Sasuke back towards him. “No need. You have both of them already,” he said.

Sasuke’s mental functions were obviously down, because he just furrowed his eyebrows, clearly not understanding. Naruto tapped on Sasuke’s cock, pressing his fingernail lightly into the slit. Sasuke’s breath hitched.

“I’ll drink the milk from here,” Naruto purred. “And as for the cookies…”

 


 

“Mmrgh—ah—hfff, ah, ah—”

Naruto’s face was smothered in slick. He buried his nose in deeper and inhaled. Forget alcohol, this was true intoxication—the taste of Sasuke’s juices in his mouth, nectar dripping down his throat. He wanted to drown in it. He wanted to devour his Sub’s asshole. It could feed him for a lifetime, and then another lifetime more.

His tongue dug into Sasuke’s hole, licking and slurping at the puckered skin, trying to coat as much slick as possible on it. His teeth, itching to bite and claim, nipped around the taint. The scent was subtly sweet, the taste of it like fine wine. He couldn’t get enough. 

Sasuke was incoherent. The noises he was making were choked out, only the first half of words and not much else. His legs were slung over Naruto’s shoulders, his completely bent in half as Naruto ate him out, helpless to the onslaught of pleasure. The bells on his chest jingled faintly. Tears were running down his cheeks. Love bites littered the inside of his thighs. 

“You’re such a little slut, aren’t you?” Naruto panted. “Begging for it so desperately. You’re gaping all over my mouth. I bet you want something bigger, don’t you? Do you want my North Pole shoved up your greedy little asshole again?”

Sasuke bared his neck. His mouth opened and closed. He was always remarkably quiet in the throes of pleasure, each gasp and moan pulled from him against his will.

“Answer me.”

“I do,” Sasuke finally gasped out, “I do, I do—”

“Want my thick knot spreading you out wide? Want me to paint your insides with my come? Give you a nice little white Christmas?” Naruto sucked harder on Sasuke’s hole, gulping down the slick his words had elicited. Dirty talk always did wonders on Sasuke’s sanity.

Sasuke nodded, a line of drool drawn from his lips to the pillowcase. He pushed his ass further into Naruto’s face.

“I don’t know if I should yet. Your cookies taste far too delicious. I think you need to wait a little bit longer.”

Sasuke choked down a sob. 

Naruto was relentless. He continued to devour him, relishing in the sounds of his lover’s pleading voice, leisurely toying with his cock, just so he could feel its hardness in his hands. If it had been red before, it was nothing compared to how it was now—so red that it looked painful. If the ribbon hadn’t been around it, Sasuke would have come untouched twice already. Naruto rubbed the head, squeezing it slightly so precome oozed from the slit. Naruto’s own cock had also been long prepared to sink into Sasuke’s heat again; heavy and leaking between his thighs, but he could be patient. The end was almost near. 

Finally, he looked at Sasuke. The noises had slowly petered out. He had turned into a boneless heap. His eyes were barely open, his lips spit-slicked and glossy. He was so deep in Subspace that all his muscles had fully given up. There was no further resistance. From this point onwards, his pleasure was in Naruto’s hands.  

Naruto eased Sasuke’s legs down from his shoulders. He leaned forward and kissed him, melding their lips together and tangling their tongues so Sasuke could get a taste of the meal Naruto had been lucky enough to eat. Sasuke’s eyelids fluttered. He kissed back. Deep in the base of his throat, he let out a contented hum at the display of affection.

Naruto kissed him again. He rubbed his hand over his own cock, then over Sasuke’s chest, covering him in his scent.

“I’m going to wash down my meal,” he said quietly. “And then, I’m going to fuck you until you scream.”

Sasuke watched him like he was responsible for hanging the moon in the sky. “Okay,” he said.

Naruto brought his head down. He slipped Sasuke’s cock into his mouth and sucked. Sasuke grabbed at his hair, hips stuttering against him, his breaths coming out louder again as Naruto continued to work his mouth over his length. 

“Please,” said Sasuke.

Naruto pressed two fingers into his puckered hole. His thumb massaged circles against his perineum. 

“Please,” Sasuke said again.

Naruto fit in another finger. His teeth scraped lightly over the tip of Sasuke’s cock. He sucked harder. Sasuke’s thighs clenched against his head. 

“Please.”

Naruto kissed his balls, lapped at the slick that had gathered, and then finally gave him permission. 

Come,” he said, and pulled one end of the ribbon. The bow loosened. Sasuke’s body went rigid. And then, like a dam breaking, milk flooded down Naruto’s throat—warm, salty, delectable milk. He drank his fill. He swallowed and swallowed and swallowed until there wasn’t a single drop left.

 


 

Moments later, Naruto was pounding into Sasuke’s asshole, reverently tracing the lines on his backside. In an act of mercy, he had released Sasuke from his binds. What remained of their existence were only faint pink indents from his harness and a redness from the necklace around his wrists. He was a beautiful sight. The collar Naruto made looked perfect on him.

Naruto hooked his fingers under the leather string and pulled upwards. Sasuke reacted automatically, tilting his neck, giving him a perfect view of his mating bite. 

Naruto fucked him harder. Sasuke went with the motion. With each slide, the bells on his nipples jingled. The slick from his hole was dribbling down much slower than before after being plugged by Naruto’s cock. Naruto dipped a finger in between his crease, scooping up some of the mess and tasting it. 

He let out an animalistic groan. God. Their flavors blended perfectly together. 

“Knot,” Sasuke was mumbling into the soaked bedsheets, “knot, knot, knot. I need your knot.”

Naruto chuckled to himself. That was no problem, but that wasn’t for Sasuke to know yet. “A knot? Well, I think that’s something I can provide. But I’ll have to ask you again. Have you been naughty or nice?”

“Hngh..?”

Naruto repeated himself. “Have you been naughty or nice?”

Sasuke didn’t answer, too drunk on Naruto fucking into him. His breaths sounded ragged, and every time Naruto’s dick rubbed over his prostate, he would let out a low moan. He was grasping at the sheets like they could offer him some sort of salvation. Sweat gathered on his skin. 

Naruto spanked him. “Tell me if you’ve been naughty or nice, Sasuke.”

Sasuke’s response was a garbled sound. Naruto continued to shove his thick cock into him, drilling into the spot that Sasuke had told him about offhandedly over coffee. 

It’s like a slick-to-go button, he had said. Naruto had never forgotten. 

Sasuke finally turned his head from the pillow. His hair was matted to his head. “Nice,” he whispered.

Naruto couldn’t help but agree. “Indeed, you have. You’ve followed all my instructions so perfectly. You’ve been so obedient. And obedient boys deserve the best presents.” Naruto fucked forward again. The bed shook. Sasuke’s waist looked impossibly small. Naruto gripped his midsection and spanked his ass, one hit on each cheek. 

Bruises. He wanted bruises. He wanted to ruin him.

Jingle, jingle, jingle. 

“A made you a promise, right? I would give you a good present. I think you deserve it. What would you like for Christmas?”

Sasuke gasped. “Your knot.”

“Just my knot?”

“Come—and your come—ah.” His voice cracked. 

“A little greedy, aren’t we? Two presents. That’s a bit much.”

A whine. A whispered plea. Jingle, jingle. “Can’t choose. I—please. Can I please have both?”

The sound of skin against skin, sticky with sweat and slick.

“I suppose I can make an exception,” said Naruto. He flipped Sasuke over and pounded in harder.

Sasuke gushed slick everywhere. 

“Hah—hah—ah, nrghhhhh—"

“Am I deep, baby? You like it when you’re filled with my cock?”

Naruto could see the curve of his dick bulging slightly under Sasuke’s toned stomach. He was squirming on the bed like he couldn’t decide whether to pull Naruto closer or push him away. His leather collar stuck to his skin, his head was thrown back. Where their bodies joined, his cock slapped against his own stomach leaving a sticky trail behind.

The bells on his chest were no longer jingling. They were rattling. 

Naruto continued to fuck him. He gripped Sasuke’s thighs tighter, so tight that when he released them to slap at his chest, white fingerprints remained where he had clutched at the flesh. 

“Who’s my good little boy?” He asked, dark pride welling inside him when he felt Sasuke get wetter.

“I—ah—ah—mmmrgh. Na—fuck, fuck fuck—”

No one else could ever see Sasuke like this. No one. No one. Sasuke was his. His to fuck and lick and destroy and kiss and devour. The collar was proof of it. The bite was their promise. Only Naruto could break him down like this. Only Naruto could piece him back together again.

“You have been such a good, good boy tonight,” said Naruto. He began jacking Sasuke off. “Just one more thing. One more favor, and I’ll grant you your Christmas wish.”

Sasuke was barely lucid. He pulled at Naruto, biting anywhere he could get his teeth on, hole milking him for all he was worth. The only indication that he was understanding what Naruto was saying at all was the way he tried to answer.

“A—Anyth—nnngh. Fu—ahhh. Ah, ah.”

Naruto’s knot was basically already fully formed at the base. It was taking all of his willpower not to shove it in. Sasuke was nearly on the edge—the instant he pushed his knot inside his ass, it would be all over for the both of them.

But “nearly on the edge” didn’t mean “right on the edge”, so there was still just a little more to give. Sasuke could hang on. Naruto knew it.

“I’m wondering what I should ask for,” he whispered. “I feel like there are plenty of things you could do that would make me very, very happy.”

The reindeer antlers were sliding off Sasuke’s head. His hands scratched frantically at Naruto’s back, no doubt leaving stripes of his own as retribution. 

Naruto angled his cock slightly to the left. Sasuke’s moans grew louder.

“There’s too many things to choose from. What should I pick?”

Sasuke’s ass clenched around his dick. 

“There’s that glass butt plug you like. I could ask you to walk around with it in you for a full day. It could be fun at the office, don’t you think?”

Sasuke shivered. Tears were falling freely from his eyes.

“It’s also been a while since I’ve tied you up fully. That could be nice too. I’ve been practicing some newer knots, pretty little diamond patterns. You like it tight, don’t you? I’ll be sure you’re fully restrained.” 

Sasuke wrapped his legs around him. His blunt fingernails scored over Naruto’s shoulders and arms. His mouth was moving but no sound was coming out.

“Or perhaps,” Naruto mused, fucking into the squelching hot heat of Sasuke’s ass, “I could ask you to be my little cock warmer. You can sit under my desk and rub your slutty, wet hole over my loafers with my dick in your mouth. I’m sure my work day will go by so much faster that way. Though I’ll have to ask you to lick up the mess afterwards.”

Sasuke’s mouth was forming words now. Please, he was saying silently, please, please please please.

Naruto’s dick ached. He too had been holding his pleasure back, content in watching his Sub break into pieces. But now, he had reached his limit. There was only so much restraint in his system. If he didn’t pump his seed into Sasuke within the next second, he felt like he would die.

“But I think I know what I want,” he breathed. “I had a taste of it earlier this evening. It was white and creamy and salty, just the way I like it. I’m fairly certain you can make it for me again.”

Please. Please please please please—

“Give me some milk again, won’t you?

With that last Command, he fucked his knot into Sasuke’s hole, and Sasuke let out a silent scream, all of his muscles instantly frozen. His eyes rolled into the back of his head. Naruto’s cock was squeezed impossibly tight by his walls, and that was the end of it—Naruto growled, sunk his teeth into Sasuke’s scent gland, and with the taste of nectar in his mouth, he finally came. His seed flooded Sasuke’s insides with enough force that some of it spurted out even with the knot in place, painting white fluid on Sasuke’s strawberry milk skin.

Sasuke, once he felt the impact of Naruto’s orgasm, came untouched all over himself. His orgasm splattered over his stomach and over the still-prominent bulge of Naruto’s dick. Slick gushed out from his ass. It smeared all over Naruto’s thighs, covering him in a sticky, exquisite mess. Sasuke shivered and rode out the intensity of what Naruto had just given to him.

Finally, he stopped quaking. Clarity lit a fire in his eyes again. Naruto collapsed on top of him and held him tight. Now that the adrenaline had left, he was winded.

They lay in the quiet of their bed for a moment. Breathing. Just breathing. After a while Sasuke turned his head to give him a languid kiss. Naruto pressed his lips to the bite on his neck for reassurance. They basked in the aftermath of their coupling, exhausted and sated. But their bed and bodies were in no state to be sleeping comfortably after the mess they had made, so they cleaned each other up, wiping away the residue from their skin. Sasuke took his antlers off. They stripped the beds and tucked in new sheets. Their laundry ended up in the hamper.

Above, the moon lay upon the breast of the new fallen snow. 

Sasuke slid into bed. His lips were tilted in a rare smile. He tucked his head against Naruto’s chest, crossing their limbs over each other, rubbing his cold feet on Naruto’s warm ones. It didn’t take long for his breathing to even out. He was always the first one to fall asleep.

Naruto stayed awake a little longer. The moon looked beautiful. And as he gazed upon Sasuke, sleeping carefree and light, he whispered—

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

 

Notes:

Let me know your favorite holiday euphemism in the comments below! (And Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.)