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It wasn’t Olivia’s first head injury.
Looking back on it, that was probably part of the problem. Her skull had been knocked around too much, and she was getting older. Too old to be in the field, in Alex’s opinion, but she knew better than to suggest something as drastic as retirement to her wife. SVU was Olivia’s life.
Alex half-listened as the doctor rattled off possible symptoms and side effects, as she had so many times before, because truth be told, she didn’t expect anything to be different. It never had been. Olivia was tough and strong and always, always bounced back.
The doctor finished talking and Alex finished nodding and she was finally allowed in. “Hey,” she announced herself as she pushed into the room. “How are you feeling?”
Olivia was awake but seemed a bit dazed. She lit up when she saw Alex enter. “Better now that you’re here, Counselor.”
Alex chuckled at the old nickname, having retired from being an ADA a very long time ago, and perched on the side of the hospital bed. She brushed her hand down the side of Olivia’s face, and she nuzzled into her palm.
“You took a nasty hit, Liv,” Alex murmured, unable to keep the worry out of her voice. “You could’ve been seriously hurt.“
“I’m fine, Lexie, just a bit dizzy. I’ve had worse.”
“Yeah, well, I’m the one who had to call Emma and let her know what happened. I think my life was in more danger than yours for a moment.”
A flash of something crossed Olivia’s eyes, and Alex couldn’t place it. Confusion? Concern? But then it was gone, and Liv smiled. “Gee, I’m sorry she gets angry when she’s anxious, I wonder who she could’ve possibly picked that up from.”
Alex rolled her eyes. “Very funny. I had to convince her to stay in Philly, she was going to run right back here the moment I said the word ‘hospital’.”
The strange look came back for a moment. Alex chalked it up to dizziness.
“Can we go home?” Olivia eventually asked.
“As long as I wake you up every two hours, you know the drill.”
Olivia groaned good naturedly and stood, leaning against Alex to help with her balance as they exited the hospital.
——————
It was two weeks later, and Olivia was back on the job, but confined strictly to paperwork and part-time hours. Even that was a stretch, but she had been bouncing off the walls with energy until being allowed to return to work.
Alex returned from her job at a local women’s shelter one evening, bags of takeout in hand, to find Liv still bent over some forms.
“Hey, babe,” Alex called as she kicked off her shoes near the door. She loved not having to wear heels to work anymore. “You’re not supposed to be reading for that long, give your eyes a break.”
Liv took off her reading glasses and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms before glancing at the clock. “Emma should’ve been home by now,” she murmured, clearly anxious. “Do you think something’s wrong?”
Alex was confused. “Emma’s not due back for another few days,” she said. “And then she’s staying with Charlie in their apartment.”
Olivia still looked anxious. “She should be home by now,” she said, a little louder, slightly more frantic. “It’s getting late!”
Alex quickly crossed the room and placed her hands on Olivia’s shoulders, in what she hoped was a soothing gesture. She had no idea what the older woman was thinking. “Olivia, Emma’s in Philadelphia for that conference at UPenn, remember? She left two weeks ago with Charlie, they’ll be back in a few days.”
Olivia still looked anxious, and very disoriented. “Oh,” she whispered, and Alex could almost see the gears in her head turning. “I— I forgot.”
Alex leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead, trying to mask the anxiety in her own eyes. Olivia had always had a whip-sharp mind. She didn’t forget things like this. She moved to rest her head on top of her lover’s. “This is what happens when you spend hours reading paperwork when you should be recovering from a concussion,” she mumbled into Olivia’s hair. “You gotta take a break.”
Olivia nodded at that. “What’d you get?”
“Thai.”
“God, I love you.”
“I know.” Alex smiled and tugged Olivia up to lead her to the sofa, where they snuggled into a tangled pile and picked their way through takeout.
Emma called at nine, like she always did, and Olivia seemed a little clearer after talking to her, more of her usual smiles and wit. Alex couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief. Liv was fine, she was okay, she just needed to get some rest and stop overloading her healing brain. Everything would be okay.
In bed, Alex curled up in Olivia’s arms and Olivia held her close. They’d slept like this for years, to the point where Alex doubted she could sleep without it anymore. But that night, Olivia held her a little tighter than usual. The way she did after tough cases or rough days. Alex tried not to notice.
——————
Another two weeks later, Alex was on her lunch break when she got a call. She picked up with a “Hello?” trying desperately to swallow her food before she got asked anything.
“Hey, Alex, how’ve you been, babygirl?”
Alex couldn’t help but break out into a large grin. She missed Fin, the only man who could ever call her any sort of pet name and walk away with all of his limbs still intact. “I’m fine, Fin, it’s good to hear from you. Everything okay?”
A pause. Alex didn’t like that pause.
“You free around six?”
That was not what Alex had expected. “As long as I’m home before eight. Is— is everything okay?” she repeated, nervous.
“Yeah, yeah, all good. Meet me at Mulligan’s?”
“Alright, do I get a hint as to what’s going on here?”
Another pause. This was beginning to get unnerving.
“Just be there at six. And— uh— do me a favor, Cabot. Don’t tell Liv I called.”
Alex’s mind was reeling. “It’s Cabot-Benson,” was the only thing she could think to respond.
“Takes too long to say. You’ll always be our Cabot. See you at six.”
Fin hung up before Alex could say anything else.
She looked down at her salad, suddenly no longer hungry, and decided to go back to work a bit early.
——————
The bar was as crowded and noisy as always. Alex found Fin sitting in a booth in the back corner, nursing a bottle of beer and looking a bit zoned out. She slipped into the booth, startling him out of his thoughts.
Fin was almost at the mandatory retirement age, but he hadn’t lost his spark. Alex knew he was still Liv’s best right hand man, and almost as protective of her as she was. She appreciated Fin for that.
Fin pushed a second bottle of beer closer to her.
“You know how I feel about beer.”
“You’re gonna need it, Cabot.”
Alex sighed and popped the cap open. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on, or do you just enjoy watching me stew in my anxiety?”
Fin winced. “Sorry about that. I do need to talk to you.”
Alex took a swig of beer and tried not to flinch at the taste. She already didn’t like where this was going.
“Enlighten me.”
“I’m worried about Liv.”
Alex’s heart almost stopped in her chest. She had been avoiding this. She had been avoiding it so well, she had pushed every thought of it from her mind.
“What do you mean?” She asked, carefully, hoping that Fin didn’t pick up on the way her voice pitched a bit higher.
Fin was a detective. Of course he picked up on her voice pitching higher. He sighed and rubbed his forehead.
“I think you know what I mean. There’s no way she hasn’t done it at home.”
“Done what?”
“Alex.”
“Fin.”
Fin took another, longer sip of his drink, looking contemplative. Alex hated him for staying so calm. She hated herself for being so anxious. She hated everyone right now.
I’m sorry she gets angry when she’s anxious, I wonder who she could’ve possibly picked that up from.
Alex wanted to break the bottle in front of her, but knew she’d only succeed in hurting her hand. She pushed it away. She wouldn’t be able to keep down beer.
“Alex, she’s forgetting things. Things she shouldn’t be forgetting. I thought it was the concussion, but it’s only getting worse.”
Alex squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to block out some of the sensory input of the bar. It was all too much. Fin waited for her.
“What did she do?” She eventually asked, almost inaudibly.
“She calls the ADAs and junior detectives the names of people who haven’t worked here in years. She mixes up court dates, she thinks she’s still on cases that were closed months ago. She’s sat at her old desk a few times, the one she was at when she was a detective. The other day, she—” Fin stopped to sigh and take another sip. He leaned in close. “She asked me about Stabler. ‘When’s he coming back’.”
Alex let out a shuddery breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. Elliot and Kathy had been the elephant in the room for a while. They’d been back in New York for a few months, but they and Liv had exchanged no more than just pleasantries. Alex could tell his sudden departure still weighed on her.
She couldn’t meet Fin’s eyes. “She’s recovering from a concussion.”
“She’s been recovering from that concussion for a while, and the issues are only growing. Alex, this isn’t the sort of job where problems like this go away. She could get hurt, or hurt someone else.”
Alex hated this. She hated how gentle Fin was being with her, she hated how honest he was, and she hated Olivia for forgetting. She hated herself for that. Most of all, she hated herself.
Alex slid out of the booth and slammed some cash on the table. “I’m having dinner with my daughter tonight. Don’t call.”
She stormed out and didn’t look back, so Fin couldn’t see the tears in her eyes.
——————
Eight o’clock was dinner with Emma and Charlie.
Everyone was in good spirits, Olivia brighter than she’d seemed in days due to the visit of her daughter.
Emma and Charlie told stories from med school, bantering back and forth and sharing long, loving looks that reminded Alex of when she and Olivia used to work together. Olivia entertained with some rare stories of her early days as a detective, the sort of escapades she and Alex had gotten into and the trouble they caused. Alex smiled weakly and tried to nod along and laugh at appropriate intervals, but her conversation with Fin was weighing on her. Nobody seemed to notice, Olivia totally focused on their daughter and Emma and Charlie completely wrapped up in each other.
“We actually have a bit of an announcement,” Charlie said with a shy smile and a glance towards Emma, snapping Alex back to reality.
Emma reached out and grabbed his hand, smiling back at him. “Charlie and I are engaged.”
Olivia beamed, jumping out of her chair to wrap Emma up in a big hug and Alex was sufficiently distracted from her previous conversation.
“Congratulations, my love,” Olivia murmured into Emma’s hair, rocking them back and forth. “And you, take care of my daughter!” She jabbed her finger at Charlie light heartedly.
“Yes, ma’am!” Charlie responded teasingly and was wrapped up in her embrace next, as Emma turned to be enveloped in Alex’s arms.
“I’m so proud of you, Em,” Alex whispered. “You deserve all the happiness in the world.”
Emma buried her face in the crook of Alex’s neck and Alex stroked her soft hair, in that moment feeling nothing but love for her little family.
Emma pulled away to hold Charlie’s hand, eyes a bit shiny but still radiant.
“Alright, let’s see the ring,” Alex teased. Emma pulled a beautiful silver ring out of her pocket.
“I couldn’t wear it in, Mama’s a detective for God’s sake, she would’ve noticed right away.”
They all laughed at that, and Charlie wrapped an arm around Emma’s shoulders to press a kiss to her temple. “We’re going back to Philly for a few days, to see my family.”
Emma rolled her eyes good naturedly. “It’s gonna be fun during the holidays, all the back and forth between New York and Pennsylvania,” she griped.
“Hey, at least we’re not New Jersey,” Charlie laughed. “Could always be worse.”
Alex smiled at their banter, glancing over at Olivia and remembering their days of being young and lovestruck. Olivia’s eyes were firmly on Emma, happy and a bit misty. Alex knew if she had her way Emma would forever be their baby, but she also knew that Olivia was so proud of their girl for the woman she’d become. And Alex was too.
——————
They were washing dishes, having assured Emma and Charlie they were fine and they could retire to Emma’s room. Technically it was a guest room now, as Emma had moved most of her things out, but it would always be Emma’s room to them.
They had a dishwasher, but some nights, it just felt nice to stand side by side and do mindless chores together. It was a habit they’d picked up in their Senior Detective and Assistant District Attorney era, both being so busy they’d rarely gotten a chance to just be together. Now they had calmer jobs, Liv occasionally able to work from home and Alex operating on set hours, but it still felt nice, sometimes. To just be together.
“You know,” Olivia said, ending a long period of quiet. “I thought they were planning on waiting until after med school to think about marriage.”
Just like that, the illusion shattered.
“Liv,” Alex began, carefully. “Emma and Charlie graduated in May, remember? We went out to Philly and stayed with Charlie’s family.”
Alex could see Olivia thinking as she scrubbed at a plate. Suddenly, a bright smile broke her concentration.
“Emma was top of her class,” Liv remembered, drying her hands and turning to face Alex. Alex let out a comfortable sigh as Olivia’s hands cupped her face. “I always knew she’d be brilliant, just like you,” Olivia whispered, before she leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to Alex’s lips.
Alex closed her eyes and tried to memorize the feeling.
——————
Alex was working when her phone rang, which meant it was either Emma or Liv, her only emergency contacts. She stepped into an empty office for a moment to answer.
“Hey Cabot,” Olivia’s voice began, and Alex couldn’t stop herself from flinching. Olivia hadn’t called her that since long before they’d gotten married. “We’ve found a knife with finger prints that match our perp, and we’re running DNA now but there’s no way the blood doesn’t match our vic. We’re gonna need a warrant to search this guy’s van…”
Alex began to panic as Olivia continued on about the details of the warrant and what they were searching for. “Olivia,” she interrupted gently, considering her options. She didn’t want to confuse her further, especially while at work. “Who found the knife?”
“Fin.”
“Can you pass the phone to him?”
“Of course. Thanks, Counselor.”
Alex closed her eyes and leaned her head back against a wall. This was bad. This was really bad.
“Cabot?” a voice came from the phone, this time Fin’s. “What’s going on?”
Alex couldn’t make out words for a moment, trying to swallow down her anxiety. “Liv called me,” she finally managed out, in a hoarse voice. “Needs a warrant from her favorite ADA.” She was trying to joke, but it was hard to joke when she was on the verge of tears.
“Why’d she call you if she— oh. Oh, Alex. I’ll take care of it.” A pause, some shuffling of papers. “Is there any way you can convince her to go home for the day? It seems… worse than usual.”
Alex nodded, before realizing Fin couldn’t see her, so she responded with a weak “I’ll try,” before promptly hanging up the phone and dissolving into tears. It was too much. It was all too much.
“Alex?” a voice came from somewhere above her and she looked up to see her boss, rather horrified at finding her sobbing on her office floor.
“Violet,” Alex managed out. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to...” but her voice trailed off as the sobs took over once again.
Violet closed the door to the office and sat down on the floor next to her. “What’s going on, honey? You’ve seemed a bit distracted lately, I’ve been worried.”
“I’m sorry,” Alex tried again. “I… it’s just…” What was wrong? She didn’t have the vocabulary to explain it. “My wife is sick,” she finally decided on. “She’ll be okay, probably, I just got some bad news is all.” Alex did not like her use of the word ‘probably’ in that sentence. She wasn’t sure why she stuck it there. She was too tired to get angry at herself for using it.
Violet nodded sympathetically. “I’m so sorry, dear. If you need anything…”
And Alex was crying again, unable to keep it all in anymore, and maybe she should’ve been embarrassed but she was grateful when Violet wrapped her into a hug. She didn’t realize how badly she had needed one.
——————
“What’s the current ADAs name?” She whispered to Fin, eyeing the door to the Captain’s office.
“ADA De La Rosa,” Fin muttered back, under his breath. “We all just call him Tony.”
Alex nodded and braced herself before making her way up to the door and knocking once, slipping in before getting an answer.
Olivia was at her desk, incredibly concentrated on her files, but she looked up when Alex entered and smiled. “Hey, Alex,” she said somewhat distractedly. “I’m a bit too swamped to go out for lunch today, but I’ll definitely be back to cook dinner.”
Alex took a deep breath. Olivia remembered that they lived together. That was a good sign. She didn’t need to go through the whole “I’m not actually your ADA” spiel she had planned.
“I’m actually not feeling too well,” Alex began her scripted half truth, taking a step closer to her desk before freezing.
Olivia’s desk was littered in sticky notes. Some were in her handwriting, but most were in Fin’s. Alex knew Liv kept a notepad to do list, but this was a colorful chaos of reminders. Court dates, detectives’ names, judges names, lists of who was involved in each case. The ones in Liv’s handwriting were shakier than she remembered. She saw a note with Emma’s phone number written across it, the name of her undergraduate dorm building scrawled underneath it. Alex could feel her heart in her throat. This was worse than she thought. She mentally kicked herself for not listening to Fin sooner.
She belatedly realized Olivia was talking to her, concerned.
“I’m sorry, I zoned for a moment, what were you saying?”
Olivia looked at her carefully. “You don’t look too great, Alex, how about I go home with you? I can work on all this from the apartment.” She began packing up papers.
Alex’s shoulders slumped a little in relief.
Olivia extended an arm for her to latch onto. “C’mon, Lexie, let’s get you home.”
They walked back to the apartment, hand in hand, Alex distractedly following Liv as she always did, considering the detective had a far better sense of direction. It took about ten minutes before Alex realized they were walking towards their old apartment, the one they lived in before Emma started school.
Without a word, she squeezed Olivia’s hand and turned them in the correct direction.
——————
Olivia was sobbing big, heartbreaking sobs. Alex didn’t know how to make it better. She wasn’t sure if anything could.
“Why can’t I remember?” Olivia gasped out. “Lexie, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I remember?”
This was their second time having this conversation. The first had ended up in a panicked, quiet, denial. Tensions had been thick until they both fell asleep, holding each other tight.
Alex couldn’t decide if this was better or worse.
“I’m sorry, baby,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m losing my mind,” Olivia choked out. “I can’t think, I can’t remember.”
“I’ve got you, okay? I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” Alex tightened her grip around Olivia and pressed gentle kisses to her face, trying to soothe the tears.
Olivia tried to make out more words but couldn’t, too panicked and upset to get anything out.
Alex rocked them, back and forth, back and forth, murmuring sweet nothings and anything she could think of until Liv had sufficiently tired herself out and cried herself to sleep. Alex couldn’t remember the last time she saw Olivia cry that much. Maybe after William Lewis, when Liv had cradled baby Emma close to her chest and wept and cried and Alex had cried too because she thought she’d lost the love of her life.
Alex didn’t want to think about that right now.
Olivia shifted, already close but snuggling even closer.
Alex wondered if she’d remember this in the morning.
She couldn’t decide if that would be better or worse.
——————
Alex was still awake, hours later, on their living room floor with her back pressed against the sofa. Olivia was still sound asleep in her arms, thankfully without any nightmares seemingly plaguing her.
Alex wondered what it’d be like to lose her memory. To start forgetting things she’d known for years. The thought made her nauseated. Her mind has always been the most powerful part of her, she couldn’t imagine what she’d do if she couldn’t rely on it. The only thing that would scare her more to lose was her family, her Liv and Emma.
She got angry when she was anxious. She wondered if she’d lash out at Liv, push her away. Would Liv stay through that? Would Liv fight for her? Would Emma? Logically she said yes, but her anxious side told her she wouldn’t deserve that. She had to close her eyes and swallow the wave of nausea that passed over her.
Olivia shifted again, mumbling something incoherent.
Alex looked down at her.
She gazed at her sleeping wife for a long time.
Olivia wouldn’t leave her. Olivia would never leave her.
Alex decided that both of them would be calling out of work the next day.
——————
Olivia was kissing her, and the world was okay for a little bit. They had gone to work, done their jobs, and come home with minimal incident.
Olivia cooked dinner and sang along to Italian oldies, and Alex had wrapped her arms around Liv’s waist and peppered her with kisses, and everything had been okay.
Now they were in bed, and Olivia kissed Alex with a passion she hadn’t felt in a very long time, and Alex kissed back and savored every goddamn moment.
——————
It was when Alex heard yelling that she broke into a run, and stumbled right into the shouting match in front of Emma and Charlie’s apartment.
“You stay away from her!”Olivia was shouting, while Emma and Charlie stood stunned in front of their door. Emma was partially in front of Charlie, attempting to protect him from the rage Olivia was radiating.
“Mama, it’s Charlie!” Emma was desperately trying to explain back. “He wouldn’t hurt me, it’s just Charlie!”
Alex immediately got in between them, facing Olivia and grabbing her by the shoulders.
“Liv, it’s fine, she’s safe,” She tried, keeping her voice as low and gentle as possible.
“For God’s sake, Alex, she’s sixteen! He’s an adult!”
There was a brief silence, Olivia breathing heavily from her outburst and glaring Alex down.
“Olivia, they’re the same age,” Alex tried again.
At the same time, though, Emma interjected. “Mama, I’m twenty five. What are you talking about?”
Liv looked over at Emma, and then back to Alex. “You’re confusing me,” she whispered. “Alex, why are you confusing me?”
Alex felt like she was on the verge of frustrated tears, which was pretty much how she always felt these days. She just didn’t know what to do.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to confuse you,” she started, gently. “Emma and Charlie are engaged, remember? They graduated medical school and got engaged. Our baby’s all grown up, Liv.”
Olivia was still breathing hard, but instead of looking angry, she just seemed bewildered. “Lexie, am I forgetting again?”
Her voice sounded so small that Alex couldn’t help but bundle her up in her arms. “It’s alright, honey, it’s okay. We’re going to go inside and sit down now.”
Alex looked over her shoulder at where Emma and Charlie stood. Emma still seemed shocked, but Charlie had a look on his face that seemed like the beginnings of an understanding. He unlocked the door and ushered Emma in, gesturing for Alex to follow.
Alex stayed outside another moment, hoping that Olivia was regaining her composure, before leading them both inside. Liv just seemed dazed. Alex could hear Emma and Charlie whispering in the kitchen, and did her best to block them out as she convinced Olivia to sit on the couch and sat down next to her.
Emma came out momentarily with a cup of tea, bringing it to Olivia with a wary smile. Olivia accepted it with a “thank you, baby!” and passed it to Alex, as she always did, always making sure Alex was fed and comfortable and safe before herself.
The thought caused a lump in Alex’s throat, and she passed the mug back to Olivia. “It’s yours, honey, I’m okay.” Olivia gave her an ‘are you sure?’ look, but Alex nodded and Olivia picked up the tea. That’s when she noticed.
“Emma!” Olivia said excitedly. “Your ring! Are you and Charlie engaged?”
Alex wished with everything in her heart she could turn back time and get here before Olivia, as originally planned, in time to talk to her daughter. The look across Emma’s face was almost unbearable.
“Yeah, Mama,” she managed out, sitting on the other side of Olivia as Alex. Liv immediately leaned over and wrapped Emma into a big hug.
Alex heard her name being whispered and glanced up to see Charlie gesturing her into the kitchen. She quietly got up to join him.
“Memory loss,” he started, voice low. “When did that start?”
“She‘s recovering from a concussion.”
“When did she get the concussion?”
Alex hesitated. She knew she wouldn’t like where this was going.
“Two months ago,” she eventually answered. She couldn’t meet Charlie’s eyes.
“Has she had other concussions before?”
Alex slowly nodded.
“Alex,” Charlie began in a whisper, and he was using his doctor voice which meant Alex was about to get news that she really, really would not like. “This is not normal behavior for two months post concussion.”
Alex rubbed her eyes. “Remind me again why my daughter had to go for a neurologist?”
Charlie didn’t take the bait. “She could have early onset dementia from repeated head injury. You need to get this checked out.”
“She refuses to see a doctor. I don’t know how to go about this without upsetting her.”Alex knew this was a lame excuse. In reality, she could not bear to be the one to tell Olivia something was wrong. Badly, irreversibly, wrong. And selfishly, she didn’t want to admit it to herself either. “It’s never been this bad. I feel like I’m saying that every day now, but it started off with little things. That was… that was bad, Charlie. I’m sorry.”
Charlie shook his head. “This isn’t your fault. You’re doing the best you can. I’ll observe for tonight and try to recommend you someone who can help, okay?”
Alex could only nod to that, not confident in her ability to form words. Charlie pulled her into a hug.
Alex wished everyone would stop hugging her.
——————
Whispered, in the hallway. “Your Mama’s seen a lot of bad things on the job, Em. She’s struggling a little bit right now, but she just wants to protect you.”
——————
They were watching The Princess Bride, at Alex’s insistence, because she knew it was Olivia’s favorite even if the detective would never admit it.
Olivia quoted the film and mimicked all the silly voices, clearly trying to get Alex to laugh, and it worked.
Alex was happy today, really happy. Both of them were.
The film wound down into its ending, with Westley and Buttercup riding off into the sunset, and Olivia rolled over to snuggle into Alex’s side. Alex instinctively tangled her fingers in Olivia’s soft hair.
“I can’t wait to marry you one day,” Olivia murmured sleepily.
Alex rubbed her wedding ring between two fingers subconsciously.
“I can’t wait to marry you too,” she finally whispered back.
——————
Fin was doing the retirement paperwork for her, and she kind of loved him for it. Alex didn’t think she’d be able to handle that on top of everything else.
He’d started sending Olivia to work from home, usually with blank forms that she could fill in for whatever case she believed they were working on. She officially couldn’t keep them straight anymore.
The most important part was that they had her gun. After Olivia’s anger towards Charlie, Alex couldn’t take any chances. She trusted Olivia with her life, but she knew if Liv saw her or Emma in danger she would stop at nothing to protect them. And Liv’s idea of “danger” had gotten rather ambiguous.
She began to ease Olivia into the idea of retirement, which was much easier said than done. Liv still had a few more years before mandatory retirement, and it was obvious she didn’t want to go early. But Alex talked about traveling and Emma talked about grandkids and they could see her easing into the idea.
“It’ll put people in danger, if I can’t keep it all straight,” Olivia said to Alex on one of her better days. She was clearly still terrified, but bravely trying to hide it. “I know this is for the best. I do. I try to remember that, I promise.”
Alex believed her.
Even on the days when Olivia stressed over cases that had been closed months ago, or panicked over the idea of leaving the job that had been her home for so long, Alex knew she wanted to do the right thing. If there was one thing Olivia Benson would always do, it was the right thing.
——————
They were in the kitchen when there was a knock on the door. Olivia had been jumpy lately, prone to nightmares, but her memory had been slightly better than before, and Alex was grateful for the improvement. She was still holding onto a slim hope that this would all go away, that these were prolonged concussion effects and they’d be gone in another month or two.
But then there was a knock at the door, and it was like everything suddenly imploded. Olivia immediately grabbed Alex, and before Alex could process what was happening, they were backed in a corner, Olivia over her protectively.
She was holding a large kitchen knife.
“Olivia,” Alex said firmly but quietly, trying to keep the tremble out of her voice. “Olivia, put that down.”
“Sh!” Olivia covered Alex’s mouth and her anxiety jumped tenfold. “He’s here. He’ll hear you.”
Whoever was at the door knocked again, louder.
“I won’t let him hurt you, okay?” Olivia whispered to a stunned Alex, frantically. “I would never let Lewis hurt you. It’ll be okay.”
“Olivia, Lewis is dead.” Alex tried to choke out. “He’s dead, he’s not coming back, he’s not at our door.”
“Mom?” The voice behind the door called. “Mom, I can’t find my key, can you let me in?”
“Emma?” The haze seemed to clear from Olivia’s eyes as she stood to go for the door.
But if Emma was here, that meant Charlie could also be here, and Olivia had William Lewis on her mind and was still holding that fucking knife, and Alex made a split second decision that she knew she’d regret and lunged for it.
“Never mind, I got it!” Emma called, unlocking the door, while Alex grabbed onto the blade and yanked it out of Olivia’s grip, letting out a loud yelp as it sliced through her hand.
“Alex!” Olivia gasped. “Are you okay?”
“Mom?” Emma rushed in. “What happened?”
Alex wasn’t actually sure what happened. It had all gone very quickly and her brain had not caught up with her body yet. She looked down at what she had clutched close to her, and found she was still holding the knife, which had left a long gash in her right hand.
Her mind wasn’t moving quickly enough for her to figure out what to do next, so she just opened her hand and let the knife clatter to the floor, watching with wide eyes.
It didn’t even hurt. But it was very red.
“Mom!” Emma exclaimed again, racing to her side and grabbing her hand. “That’s really bad, you should go to the hospital.”
“It’s fine,” Alex responded, hating how thin her voice sounded. She could feel Olivia watching her with big eyes. “It’s not that bad, it was a stupid mistake.”
Emma glanced between her mothers for a moment. “It’s deep,” she finally settled on, to Alex.
“You did how many years of med school just to send me to the ER for a kitchen accident?”
Emma sighed. “Let me clean you up, then.”
“What can I do to help?” Olivia quickly interjected.
“I’m fine, Liv, it’s not bad at all.” It hurt like a fucking bitch. “You can finish lunch, I’ll be fine,” Alex reassured her, picking up the bloodied knife. She’d clean it off in the bathroom.
Olivia looked doubtful.
“I promise, it’s shallow.”
Olivia nodded, but Alex could feel her wife’s wide eyes on her back as Emma led her to the bathroom.
——————
“Mommy,” Emma said softly, and Alex’s heart melted a little like it always did when Emma called her that. Liv had always been Mama, but Alex had gone from ‘Mommy’ to ‘Mom’ once Emma had hit her ‘I’m-not-a-baby’ phase. “Did she hurt you? Without meaning to, I mean.”
Alex could tell it was killing Emma to ask. “No, of course not.”
Emma continued cleaning the gash with something that stung. Alex was putting in a lot of effort to not flinch.
“How did this happen, then? And don’t tell me a cooking accident.”
Alex leaned back against the sink. She was still trying to figure that out herself. “Something really bad happened to Mama in our apartment when you were a baby. She thought it was happening again. She was trying to protect me.” Alex closed her eyes and tried to push out all the memories of coming home to the smell of burnt flesh and hair, of a destroyed room with no Olivia in sight. Running out of there holding Emma tight to her and bursting into the precinct, yelling for Fin or Cragen or somebody.
“William Lewis?” Emma asked, not meeting her eyes.
Alex sat up straight. “How did you know that?” she hissed. “We didn’t talk about it around you for a reason.”
“The articles are all online, Mom. I know how to google. That doesn’t answer my question, either. How did you get hurt?”
When Emma asked questions like that, Alex regretted all of the ‘take your daughter to work’ days she had participated in way back when.
“She was holding the knife, she wanted to protect me, and when I realized it was you at the door I thought you might have Charlie with you. I didn’t know if she’d recognize him or not. Didn’t want to take the chance.”
“So you grabbed the knife.”
“So I grabbed the knife.”
Emma let out a long breath and sat back. “Let that dry for a moment, then I’ll bandage it.” She stood to rummage through their medicine cabinet. “You shouldn’t need stitches. Got lucky.”
Neither of them spoke for a minute.
“What are you going to do, Mommy?” Emma eventually whispered. Their whole conversation had been in hushed tones.
“What are you talking about?”
“She could hurt herself. She could hurt you.”
It echoed a conversation Alex had so long ago. She could get hurt, or hurt someone else.
“Your Mama would never, ever hurt me.”
Emma dropped her gaze to the gash in Alex’s hand pointedly. “Not intentionally.”
Alex closed her hand. “I did this, not her. What are you saying, Emma? I don’t understand what you’re implying.”
“I’m moving to Philadelphia.”
Alex took a deep breath. She couldn’t lie, she’d been expecting that a little. “Okay.”
“Charlie accepted a job at the Philadelphia Children’s Hospital. I’m going to sell the apartment and move in with him.”
Alex nodded slowly. “Why can’t you just get a job in New York, drag him over here? Better food,” she complained, only half joking.
Emma gave her a look that Alex recognized, because she had used it on many a defense attorney herself.
“Hey! Young lady, don’t give me that look.”
“That loo- this is your look! You taught me this!”
“To use on mansplainers, not your mother.”
But it worked, Emma was smiling again, even if briefly. “Because, Mom,” she rolled her eyes and circled back to her original question. “I’ve got a job too. Last night I was offered a position with UPenn’s reproductive genetics center, and I’m going to accept.”
Alex sat up again. “Emma, that’s wonderful!” She forgot about everything else for a moment as she stood to wrap Emma in a tight hug.
“You’re getting blood all over me!”
“You’re a doctor, you’re used to it.”
Emma laughed and hugged her tightly back.
“I just…” she mumbled into Alex’s shoulder. “I’m worried. About Mama. She’s retired, there’s women’s shelters in Philly for you to work at…”
Alex pulled away and held Emma’s shoulders, suddenly feeling her heart drop a little. “You want us to move to Philadelphia with you.”
Emma rubbed at her forehead. “Stop grabbing me, you’ll get lint from my sweater in your cut.”
Alex let go.
“Look, Philly’s close enough, but Mama’s disoriented right now. How often would you be able to get her over there? You’re gonna need help, Mommy, and I can’t help you from that far away.”
“She’s disoriented so you think I should uproot and move her from the city she’s lived in her whole life? That just sounds more disorienting to me.”
Emma groaned. “I hate that I got my stubbornness from you, I knew there was no possibility of this conversation going well.”
Alex immediately felt guilty. “I’m sorry, baby, I’m just… I’m just a bit stressed. Giving up her job is already so tough on her, I just can’t imagine she’d react well to leaving the city. But I’m sure she’d follow you anywhere. I’ll talk to her about it.”
Emma thought about that, opening a box of bandages.
“What do you want?”
“Hm?”
“You’ve spent the past few months focusing entirely on Mama’s wellbeing, but what do you want?”
Alex sighed. She wanted to follow Olivia to the ends of the Earth. She wanted Thanksgivings and Christmas Eves with Emma, and she wanted to cuddle her grandbaby one day.
“I’m not as attached to New York as she is, I wouldn’t mind the change of scenery.”
“It might help, too, with her letting go of the force.”
Alex wasn’t sure about that. Emma finished bandaging her hand.
“Should I tell her about the job?” Emma asked, and she wouldn’t meet Alex’s eyes again. There was something else going on here.
Alex used her good hand to tilt up Emma’s chin and meet her eyes. “Emma, listen to me. No matter what, no matter what, your Mama and I will always be so, so proud of you. You know that, right?”
Emma took a deep breath, and Alex could see her blinking back tears. She leaned in to press a kiss to her daughter’s forehead.
“I know,” Emma eventually whispered, voice hoarse. “I know. I’m just… I’m scared, Mommy. She’s not getting better.”
“No matter how much she forgets, she will always love you. Okay?”
Emma nodded, unable to hold back her tears, and buried her face into her mother’s shoulder. Alex clung tightly to her. They stayed there for a moment, until there was a knock on the door. Alex leaned over to open it.
“You two okay?” Olivia asked, concerned. “You’ve been in there for a while.” She reached out to take Alex’s bandaged hand and inspect it.
“All better,” Alex smiled, and Olivia brought the hand to her lips to kiss her knuckles.
“Good, because lunch is ready. Pasta primavera.”
“I love pasta primavera!” Emma immediately perked up.
“Gotta bribe you home with your favorites,” Olivia said with a wink.
Alex smiled and wiped at her eyes that she had managed to keep mostly tear free. Her family was here, and everything would be okay.
——————
“What do you think about having a little get together, to celebrate your retirement?” Alex asked one evening.
They were sitting on the couch, Alex with her legs across Olivia’s lap, eating Chinese while Friends reruns played in the background. It felt nostalgic.
“There’s not much to celebrate, I like my job.”
“You’re not celebrating leaving, you’re celebrating all the wonderful things you did while you were there. All the people you met, all the lives you changed.”
Olivia looked over at Alex, and smiled at the sight of the younger woman trying desperately to keep the noodles on her chopsticks. No matter how many times they got Chinese, the chopsticks were always a battle for Alex. She was far too stubborn to use a fork, though.
“I wouldn’t like being the center of attention, but I would like to get some of the old crew back together. Whoever’s in New York, still, anyways.”
The ‘old crew’ could’ve been anyone from Rollins and Amaro to Munch and Jeffries. Alex wasn’t sure.
“We could do that.”
Olivia picked up a dumpling with her chopsticks and leaned over to feed it to Alex.
“Show off,” Alex grumbled, mouth full.
——————
“Do you remember my name?” Alex asked as gently as possible, hoping she didn’t sound as panicked as she felt.
Olivia gave her an uncertain smile. “I know you.” Her voice was trembling, and there was an undercurrent of distress in her eyes. She clearly was trying hard to remember. “I know you. You’re kind to me. You’re safe.”
Alex took a deep breath. That was enough. As long as Liv knew she was safe and loved, that was enough. “That’s right, I’ll keep you safe. How about we go get some rest for a little bit?” She reached out to take Olivia’s hand in hers.
——————
Gasping sobs in the bathroom, as Alex tried to cry quietly enough to not awaken her sleeping wife in the next room over.
——————
Alex stood at the front door of a small house in Queens, wondering if this was a good idea at all. Then she remembered the time she was almost the victim of a car bomb and proceeded to be shot by a gang member, and decided that this probably wasn’t the scariest thing she’d ever done. Though it sort of felt like it.
She knocked on the door.
A bored looking teenage boy answered, distracted by his phone.
Alex swallowed. “Hello, are your parents home?”
“Who’s asking?”
“Alex.”
The boy looked up at her weirdly. “Mom, Dad, Alex is at the door for you!” He shouted out over his shoulder.
There were quick footsteps and Alex winced, realizing what it must look like for her to show up alone.
Elliot came to the door. “Alex? Is everything okay? Is Liv—”
“She’s fine,” Alex cut in, which wasn’t totally the truth but she knew what he was really asking. “Can I come in?”
Elliot opened the door wider, and Alex slipped in. Kathy was standing in the living room, looking concerned and drying her hands on a tea towel.
Kathy and Elliot both looked tired. Older was obvious, but they both seemed tired. Alex couldn’t help but wonder at that.
“Coffee?” Kathy offered.
Alex shook her head. She was already jittery, caffeine wouldn’t help. “Could I have some water?”
Kathy nodded quickly, seemingly grateful for something to do, and Alex perched on the edge of the sofa. Elliot sat down in a chair across from her.
“How’ve you been?” Elliot asked, not doing a very good job of masking his anxiety at all.
Alex accepted a cup of water from Kathy and stirred the straw in it. “Alright,” she answered, which was the most she was willing to give right now.
Kathy sat down next to Elliot, who had begun bouncing his leg.
“Olivia’s retiring,” Alex started, because she had not planned how to go about this and it seemed like the best place to start. It wasn’t like her at all to jump into something without a plan, but she knew if she thought about it too much it’d never get done.
Elliot nodded slowly. “She’s been on the force for a long time. If anyone deserves a peaceful retirement, it’s Liv.” He could clearly tell there was more to the story.
Alex nodded, looking down at her water. She didn’t want to see the expression on Elliot’s face for this next part.
“A little while ago, she got a head injury. Some perp slammed her down a concrete staircase, knocked her out.” Alex swallowed, hard. “She’s been having… memory issues. Ever since.”
A pause, as Elliot and Kathy try to interpret that. “Memory issues?” Kathy pressed, gently.
Alex looked up and out their window, anything to avoid looking at the couple in front of her. “She has early-onset dementia.”
She heard Elliot take in a rough breath and saw Kathy move to lay a hand on his knee, but still could not bring herself to look at their faces.
“What sort of issues is she having?” Kathy asked, carefully. Alex had a feeling that the woman would be the only one holding herself together in a few moments.
“She forgets… she thinks Emma’s still a child sometimes, she thinks she’s working cases that closed months or even years ago. She forgets that you… left. She forgets—” Alex cut herself off to swallow again, and bit back tears. She would not cry in front of Elliot Stabler, for God’s sake. “She forgets that we’re married, sometimes. She doesn’t always remember my name,” she managed to finish, twisting her ring around her finger. It had become something of a nervous habit.
Elliot was breathing hard. Alex finally looked back at him to see he had pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. Kathy rubbed his back and seemed contemplative, concentrated hard on an issue she couldn’t solve. Alex would know. She’d tried.
——————
“I haven’t seen you paint in a while,” Alex said, leaning over to rest her chin on Olivia’s shoulder while she worked. Olivia hummed in acknowledgement, fully immersed in her watercolor. It was a landscape of the New York Public Library. Alex had kept one like it framed in her office during her final years of being an ADA.
“It’s beautiful,” Alex murmured, and Olivia smiled as the blonde pressed a kiss to her cheek.
——————
Alex had a nightmare. They didn’t happen as often, so many years having passed since witsec, but she woke up clutching her shoulder and gasping for air that was refusing to fill her lungs.
Olivia shot up next to her, immediately gathering her wife into her arms. “I’ve got you, Lexie,” she mumbled, half awake, kissing the top of her head and grabbing a blanket to wrap around them. “You’re okay, you’re safe.”
It took a few moments, but Alex realized she felt safe. She always did, in Olivia’s arms.
——————
They didn’t talk about Philadelphia. The conversation never went well for either of them.
——————
Fin and Melinda were the first to arrive. Alex, Olivia, Emma and Charlie had set up: snacks and drinks and minimal decorations because Liv still insisted on not calling it a party.
There were hugs all around and more people arriving, and soon it was cozy and their apartment was full of laughter and stories and friends. Alex was content to just sit back and watch all the people she loved have a good time. She flopped back onto the sofa and soon enough she had a lapful of Emma, because no matter how old she got, she would never outgrow sitting in her mothers’ laps.
She wrapped her arms around Emma’s waist and dropped her chin onto her shoulder, happy to snuggle her daughter for a little bit. “Enjoying the party?”
“I thought we weren’t allowed to call it that.”
Alex smiled and rolled her eyes. “Enjoying the non-celebratory get together?” she tried again, sarcastically.
“Better.”
The door opened, then, and Alex hadn’t been sure if they were going to come. But Elliot and Kathy Stabler stepped through the doorway.
There was an almost awkward pause as the others realized who had arrived, and Alex held her breath for a moment.
“Elliot!” Olivia turned a corner and almost dropped the plate she was carrying when she realized he had arrived. She stuck the plate on the nearest table and rushed over to be swooped up into a tight hug.
Alex felt like she was intruding on a moment in her own home, and she wasn’t the only one as other guests pointedly looked away. But Alex kept her eyes on the pair, Elliot whispering something and Olivia beaming and clutching to him like her life depended on it. Alex wanted to see her wife happy as often as possible. The more her memory suffered, the more anxious she became, so Alex tried to cherish every joyful moment as deeply as possible. Emma shifted and leaned back to tuck her head under her mother’s chin, and Alex wondered if her daughter felt the same way.
——————
“I know you said no gifts,” Alex began, and Olivia groaned good naturedly. “We all chipped in on this. We thought you’d like it.”
Olivia raised her eyebrows at Alex before accepting the letter, opening the envelope and tugging out the paper inside.
Her eyes went wide.
It was a donation, a big donation, towards a charity that worked to end rape kit backlogs.
“How did you…” she started, before trailing off.
“We know you care a lot about this, Mama. We all wanted to help in your name,” Emma explained.
Olivia began to get choked up and Alex took the paper out of her hands so she could wrap her wife and daughter in a big hug, as their friends smiled at the touching scene.
“I love you,” Olivia whispered. “My girls. I love my girls more than you’ll ever know.”
——————
Christmas eve, two years later. Olivia and Alex sat in a cozy apartment in Philadelphia, the radio quietly playing Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole. Olivia held their grandson, Jonah. She sang softly to the small boy and gazed at him with all the love in the world. Emma was sharing a chair with Charlie, half awake and smiling as she watched her mothers coo over her baby boy. He began to fuss.
“Lexie,” Olivia called, softly, prompting Alex to shift over. “Lexie, Emma’s getting hungry, could you grab us a bottle?”
Alex heard a long intake of breath from Emma, and Charlie rubbed at her shoulder comfortingly.
Some days were better than others.
“Pass her to me, Liv. I’ll take care of her,” Alex murmured, gently taking the infant from Olivia’s arms. She stood and handed the baby off to Emma.
——————
Jonah’s first Christmas was in the morning, and Olivia was excited to spoil her grandson rotten. Alex secretly felt the same. Snow fell silently outside, and it was as if peace blanketed the earth for a little bit.
They were curled up together in bed, Olivia protectively around Alex as always.
“Lexie?” Liv whispered.
“Hm?”
“I’ve been forgetting again, haven’t I?”
Alex stiffened, a little. Olivia hadn’t gotten upset at all today, which counted as a good day in her books. But this conversation usually ended in panic or tears as Olivia realized she was forgetting all over again.
“It’s alright, sweetheart,” Alex murmured, squeezing the hand that was draped over her waist.
Olivia was quiet for a moment.
“I never forget how much you love me,” she finally offered, and Alex felt something squeeze at her heart. “No matter how much I forget, I know I’m safe with you.”
Alex didn’t know if she’d be able to manage words without tears. She rolled over to face Olivia.
“And I never forget how much I love you,” Olivia continued. “I’m not able to forget that. I could never.”
Alex smiled, a little watery, and brought her hand up to trace Olivia’s face. “I know, baby,” she murmured. “I’ll never forget how much you love me, and I’ll love you forever.”
Olivia smiled at that, and shifted closer to press a kiss to Alex’s forehead.
“Everything’s going to be okay.”
“Yeah,” Alex agreed. “Everything’s going to be okay.”
And that night, everything was.