Work Text:
“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.”
Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven
Xiao
It is a slow Sunday evening in their dormitory kitchen and Aether is laughing.
Which means that for Xiao, everything is just right. The light of the golden hour cuts through the blinds as Aether loosely ties an apron around his waist.
“I’m sorry Xiao, but I just don’t trust you in the kitchen,” Aether says, raising his shoulders in an apologetic shrug.
Xiao slumps against the counter on a stool, making a disgruntled noise to let Aether know that he was very much not happy about it. In truth, Xiao didn’t really mind. He appreciated it whenever Aether cooked for him― he just wished he could return the favor, or at the very least, assist him.
“You always do the cooking,” Xiao says, hating the way his voice came out.
Aether turns, a spatula in hand as he arches a brow, “I wonder why.”
And that dry, humored look is enough to make Xiao recall exactly what Aether’s referencing.
Burnt bits of bacon and hot oil stuck in the crevices of the dormitory oven. The fire alarm causing a building-wide evacuation. The absolutely hysterical expression on Aether’s face as firefighters arrived only to discover the disaster of Xiao’s cooking, burnt to a crisp in the oven.
Xiao crosses his arms, coughing lightly. “Hey, besides that whole… ordeal, I thought it wasn’t bad for my first time.”
“Did you really,” Aether replies, a sarcastic smirk on his face.
“It looked edible,” Xiao stifles his smile, instead giving Aether a flat stare. “Before it got burnt, at least.”
At that, Aether bursts into laughter, rich and radiant. “Sure, I’ll give you that.”
He whirls over to Xiao’s counter, sliding a bowl in front of him. Aether reaches over to grab some spices, soy sauce, and red pepper paste to drop a few spoonfuls of each into the mix. As Aether sets a wooden spoon in front of him, he places a gentle hand on Xiao’s back, at the small space between his shoulder blades.
Xiao goes warm at the touch, pointedly staring into the bowl in front of him.
“Here,” Aether’s voice is teasing, almost fond. “You can mix the sauce then, since you wanna contribute so bad.”
Aether lingers there for a moment longer than he normally would, a half a second in which Xiao’s mind goes utterly blank and he can feel those fingers curling slightly through the fabric of his shirt.
He doesn’t dare to breathe. He thinks that maybe if he turns into a marble statue, Aether’s hand would stay there forever, admiring him like a sculpture, and slowly, slowly tracing up the curve of his spine.
“Okay,” Xiao swallows, gaze fixed resolutely on the glob of red pepper paste stuck on the side of the bowl.
And just like that, the touch is gone.
Aether turns back to continue his prep and Xiao is left reeling, his mind replaying the moment as he curses his overactive imagination. Discreetly, he sneaks a glance at Aether but his friend’s already humming to himself and swirling hot oil around his pan as though nothing had just happened.
Okay, Xiao frowns at his red pepper paste. I’m going crazy.
He’s just about finished mixing the sauce into a smooth, glossy texture, when he looks up at the sound of Aether distractedly mumbling to himself.
“Ah! That’s where I left that…” Aether hums along in between absentminded phrases, his phone speakers blaring a song from an album he had sent Xiao last night. Xiao pushes the finished bowl aside and leans on his hands, choosing to watch Aether from behind.
He observes the way Aether moves with warm familiarity around the kitchen, shoving cabinets closed with his foot as his hands deftly tosses the pan.
Xiao’s so absorbed in committing the scene to memory― the lighting, the smell of chilies, the way Aether’s apron hangs a bit lopsided against his hip― that he doesn’t even realize his mouth has curved into a fond, loving smile.
The painting title: Sunday Dinner for Two
It didn’t feel right, picturing the scene as a single painting, to want to freeze Aether in time when every part of him begged to be in motion. Aether was kinetic, a hot air balloon, full of something weightless and lighter than air itself.
And he wants so badly to walk up to him. To curl his arms around his waist and press his face against the back of his worn thrifted sweater. Would he smell like the sun? Or like ripe hot chilies and yesterday’s laundry?
Xiao’s stomach twists, his hands clenching.
“The soft candle glow, the music so slow… Shit!” Aether sings, cursing suddenly when a drop of oil splashes near his fingertips. “Gods, I seriously need to get a bigger pan. Wanna go to Liyue General with me tomorrow?”
Xiao moves a palm to cover half of his face, but it’s useless. He can’t stop smiling and it’s starting to hurt.
“Sure,” he answers.
This was dangerous, all of it. Any more and Xiao would want this, forever.
***
Aether
“Then he told me that my work was unimaginative,” Xiao’s voice dripped with derision. “That traditional sculpture work isn’t what ‘high brow’ galleries are looking for these days.”
It's a rare moment, one in which Xiao is actually venting about something. As someone with a surprising amount of patience, Xiao doesn’t get angry often, least of all complain about anything. So Aether dutifully listens like the good friend that he is, holding the door open behind him as they exit the convenience store.
“As if I even care about the opinion of some pretentious dick with no sense of color theory. His work sucks anyway.”
At that, a bubble of laughter slips from Aether’s mouth. Not that he particularly enjoyed seeing Xiao annoyed but he liked it when Xiao expressed his opinion, honest and uncensored. And his choice of language was always priceless.
Aether swoops in closer, arm brushing against his as he smoothly grabs the grocery bag from Xiao’s hands. “So, did you tell him that?”
“No, it’s not even worth my―“ Xiao pauses on the sidewalk, eyeing the heavy bag now swinging from Aether hands. “I can carry the groceries,” he reaches a hand to snatch it back but Aether swiftly dodges out of reach.
“You’re holding other stuff too,” Aether pointedly looks at the coffee mug in Xiao’s other hand. He wiggles the reusable bag against his forearm. “I can carry this.”
Xiao exhales, looking mildly offended. “It’s just a coffee mug.”
“Yeah, and you almost spilled that coffee on your new coat like five seconds ago.” Aether gives him a knowing stare.
“Did I spill it though? No.” Xiao presses, stubborn as ever.
“Even if you did you wouldn’t have noticed and then you’d be grumpy about it later.”
“You’re ridiculous, I won't spill it.” He attempts to snatch it again, but Aether once again whirls out of his grasp. “And the bag’s not even that heavy.”
“Xiao, just let me carry it for you,” Aether’s sure he must be pouting slightly now. He doesn’t even know why he’s being so insistent, only that he just wants to carry Xiao’s things for him. He really, really wants to. “Please?”
Xiao sighs at him and meets his gaze. For a brief moment, something flickers across his face.
Curious, and because Aether’s never had any sense of self-restraint, he shamelessly keeps staring. Surprisingly, Xiao holds his gaze and Aether’s in the middle of thinking about how frustratingly pretty his lashes are when he realizes it’s a beat too long.
He casually looks away, his pulse like a hummingbird.
Shit. Was I obvious?
Xiao only clears his throat and continues walking. “…Fine, weirdo.”
Aether follows, the grocery bag swinging behind him dangerously, eggs and canned soup and all. He wills his face into normalcy, tries his best to morph his mouth into a casual smile.
It was exhausting, honestly.
Aether has spent the past month anxiously turning over his every interaction with Xiao. Every mundane moment with him was now underlined with the worry of: Did I make it weird? Did he catch me staring? Was I acting normal?
And how long will he have to act normal? How long can he act as if his heart doesn’t threaten to burst out of his ribcage everytime Xiao gets too close? The other day Xiao had leaned in to peer at Aether’s phone on the shuttle and Aether found himself wishing the driver would slam into the curb just so that he’d have an excuse to touch him more.
Last night’s Google Search [12:47am]: when do feelings go away
The worst part is that it’s getting harder and harder each day. Sometimes he has to get all of his words out when he’s alone, afraid that he’ll accidentally, carelessly, pathetically say them aloud in front of him.
In the shower, whispered into his pillow, the back of his hand. “I like you a lot.” “I think I love you.” “Xiao, Xiao, Xiao.”
[1:15am]: liking loving having feelings for your best friend advice reddit
Lately, when Aether can’t sleep, he finds himself imagining crazy scenarios, every romance film he’s ever seen spliced together in a compilation. The camera roll clicks, whirrs to life:
Aether standing outside Xiao’s dorm room window with a boombox, throwing pebbles against his window. Aether running towards Xiao in the misty dawn, dashing through the airport security, showing up at his door breathless with a cheesy bouquet of red, red roses. The two of them, alone at the foot of a beautiful mountain vista, Aether whispering “I wish I knew how to quit you.”
Every shot, every scene, except it’s him and Xiao. Always him and Xiao.
Worst of all, sometimes Aether imagines that they’re just two complete strangers.
Not Aether and Xiao but just two people who meet in an art museum, in a coffee shop, anywhere. That way, Aether can simply walk up to him and ask for his number without the knowledge of what he stands to lose.
If he could do all of it, all over again, would he have done it differently? Maybe the answer doesn’t matter because Aether finds himself imagining the perfect movie version anyway.
[Top Result from The Steambird Daily: “The thing about feelings and emotions is that the more we try to fight them & push them away, they don’t actually go away…”]
***
He feels something mildly gross and wet slip onto his socks.
“Oh shit, Xiao. I’m sorry, I might’ve broken some of the eggs,” Aether looks up, sheepish and entirely guilty.
Xiao sighs through his nose, but he’s not upset. “I told you to let me carry it.”
“I’m sorry!” Aether cradles the bag carefully now against his chest. “I’ll pay you back.”
Xiao looks at him with that knowing expression, where his eyes are smiling and his mouth is twisted in wry amusement. It’s an expression that’s starting to drive Aether a little crazy inside.
“They were yours anyway.”
***
Xiao
“It’s me, I’m coming in!”
It’s all the warning that Xiao gets before Aether barrels through his door like a windstorm, shoving his shoes off and dropping his belongings haphazardly on the ground.
Xiao looks up from his book, mildly impressed by the trail of debris Aether leaves between the entrance of his dorm room all the way to his couch. Which is exactly where he stops to plop himself down, splaying his legs across Xiao’s and running a ragged hand through his hair.
“Hey,” Aether sighs, dropping his head onto the armrest.
“Long day?”
Aether only lets out an incoherent noise as response.
Xiao sets his book down, tossing his notes off the couch to make room for him. And no matter how much he tries to ignore it, he is hyper aware of how Aether’s legs are stretched out on top of his lap.
Aether had always been more physically unreserved around him and this casual touch wasn’t out of the ordinary.
The problem is: Xiao now found it all immensely distracting.
Did it affect him this much, before he knew?
Oblivious, Aether begins to tiredly ramble about his day, muttering about his difficult classes, his overdue assignments, his insistent customers at work. He makes himself a bit more comfortable, scooching lower and curling his knees toward Xiao’s stomach.
“Uh, huh,” Xiao mutters, freezing into stone.
He attempts to still his body in the way you wouldn’t want to spook a sleeping cat on your lap.
He transforms into marble, into the couch itself.
This is fine.
“Ahhhh, I hate everything,” Aether groans loudly into the cushions.
Xiao smiles lightly at that. “At least you have off tomorrow.”
“Yeah, but I swear, if that professor doesn’t reply to me about the extension then I really don’t know what I’m gonna do…” Aether continues, talking aimlessly into the couch cushion and Xiao can’t stop his mind from drifting.
He loves how expressive Aether is when he talks, his whole body its own language.
He watches how Aether lifts his hands over his head in exasperation before plopping them dramatically over his face in defeat.
He’s so cute.
Heart hammering in his chest, Xiao experimentally decides to rest a gentle hand on the back of Aether’s kneecaps. He pulls Aether’s legs closer towards his body so that they’re not in danger of slipping off the couch.
Aether doesn’t tense or startle. In fact, he doesn’t move at all. He completely stops speaking― Shit, what was he saying again? Xiao thinks.
When he glances at him, he sees Aether’s mouth is slightly open, blinking rapidly into the corner of the couch cushion.
Did I make it weird?
But before Xiao can remove his hand from Aether’s leg, Aether blurts a little loudly.
“Can I take a nap here?” He quickly grabs one of the couch pillows, hugging it close until it covers most of his face. He mumbles into the pillow. “For like ten minutes. Just kinda tired.”
A bit caught off guard, Xiao blinks at him. “Yeah, sure.”
At that, Aether just squeezes his eyes shut, curling deeper into the couch.
“Do you want a blanket or something?” Xiao moves to stand but Aether shakes his head quickly.
“Just like this is fine.”
“... Okay,” Xiao replies, something taking flight in his lungs.
Then, they fall silent.
His stomach tingles, nervous, and he clears his throat.
Xiao picks up his book again to continue reading, but he doesn’t because he’s too busy thinking about his palm still resting casually around Aether’s leg. Too busy thinking about what it would feel like if he fell down beside him, softly fit his face into the crook of Aether’s neck―
The open page before him is a blurry glob of words.
After a moment in which Xiao attempts to calm his racing nerves, he begins to hear the sound of Aether’s breathing, heavy with sleep. He blinks at him in surprise, scoffing quietly because of course he can fall asleep that fast.
Xiao looks at him, Aether’s face in his pillow, bangs covering his eyes. His friend’s still in his work clothes, black turtleneck tucked into a pair of trousers, his apron on the ground somewhere nearby.
Xiao’s chest practically aches.
It’s been doing that more often nowadays, every time he looks at him.
A still life: Two cats, curled up asleep in a patch of sunlight.
At this point, Xiao’s imaginary painting collection was starting to get out of hand. It must be a gallery at this point, but he can’t help it.
Because he loves how Aether has settled himself so comfortably on his couch, in his life.
Before Aether, Xiao didn’t even know that that was something he needed. Someone to fit into the mundanity of his routine, someone to come home to at the end of a shitty day, someone to eat cheap greasy fast food with and talk about absolutely nothing at all.
With Aether, the world wasn’t scary, but livable and possible and something he realized he’d rather not go through alone.
His fingers lightly trace the contours of the Aether’s leg, hands wanting so badly to reach out and tuck a bit of hair behind his ear, run a thumb over the roundness of his cheeks and feel the skin there. He wants to learn every shape and line and indent.
Xiao swallows, feeling the whole sky stuck in his throat.
Fuck, I can’t do this.
He exhales, all of it spilling out of him, all over the couch, all over Aether’s sleeping figure beside him. For a brief moment, in the safe quiet of his room, Xiao lets the feeling take form and fill in the blanks. It touches everything, like sunlight.
And it feels so good, loving him.
Through the walls, he hears the muffled sound of laughter from some students in his dorm hall. A door opens, closes. Outside, the world turns. But inside the space of his room, it is hushed and comfortable and Xiao sits there, loving him in secret.
And if Xiao gets nothing done for the next half hour and spends the entirety of it memorizing the shape of Aether against his couch, no one has to know.
***
Aether
“Pose for me.”
It’s midnight in the studio and Aether can see the way Xiao’s eyelids are drooping from where he sits slumped in front of his easel. Aether is sprawled out on one of the long tables, his assignments and readings spread out around him. Empty cans of energy drinks and unfinished dining hall take-out litter the studio floor.
Aether sits up. “Right now?”
Finals week Xiao looks disgruntled. And extremely sleep deprived. His glasses slide down his nose and he doesn’t even bother pushing them back up. And Aether can’t blame him, he’s sure that he’s not in a much better state himself.
“Yeah, sorry, do you mind?” Xiao stands, clearing out a space against the table. “Just for a few minutes, I need a better reference.”
Aether can hear the thinly veiled stress in Xiao’s voice this time. Oh, he’s at his fucking limit, he thinks with mild concern.
“Of course,” Aether hops down from the table, stretching his arms out. “How do you want me?”
As soon as the words leave Aether’s mouth, he’s heating, his pulse thrumming.
Really, Aether?
Xiao says nothing at first, perhaps too tired from assignments to truly register the words.
But when his friend moves over to pose him, Aether notices the faint blush along the tips of his ears.
Ah, so he did hear me.
Xiao’s touch is more hesitant than usual.
He gently nudges Aether’s elbow behind him, guiding him this way and that. Aether can feel the edge of Xiao’s hair tickle his collarbone. He realizes in a traitorous, absent thought that he loves how he’s a bit taller than Xiao, his mouth the perfect height to press a kiss against Xiao’s forehead.
“... Lean on the counter, and look this way,” Xiao mumbles, his voice quiet as he reluctantly uses a finger to lightly dip Aether’s jaw down.
Oh, he’s embarrassed.
Aether’s pulse roars in his ears, the ghost of Xiao’s finger against his jaw burning. Surely this level of blood pressure was unhealthy. The energy drinks he had earlier definitely didn’t help.
This time when he models, Aether feels Xiao’s gaze like a living thing, vivid and intense.
His skin burns. He wants Xiao to touch him.
A delusional scene runs through his mind, his thoughts betraying him.
“You’re a good model,” Xiao murmurs, running a brush along the edge of his jaw to tilt his face up. “How do you want me?” Aether asks, mouth against the back of his brush. “Like this.” Xiao’s hands, calloused and warm, mold against his skin like clay, pressing and pressing. “And this and this,”―
Aether coughs, looks at the floor. Immediately thinks of his final exams, a rude customer at work, Granny Ruoxin the librarian, anything―
Surely Xiao can see the way he’s flushing, how he’s actively taking steady breaths to mask the stupid heady feeling in his chest. It was so different, modeling for a class. Those times, he’d just zone out and let his thoughts carry him wherever, but now they were alone.
And there was nothing to keep Aether from thinking about the person looking at him.
Where is he looking right now?
Aether can’t resist, tilting his face slightly to sneak a glance at Xiao― only to find him already staring.
His breath catches in his throat.
They hold eyes for a half a second before Xiao quickly turns back to his canvas, fringe falling over his face. Was it just the lighting or was his face a little pink?
Silence like white noise fills the studio.
Xiao’s pointedly not looking at him now, focused on his drawing and Aether’s desperate to cross the air between them. Knock the materials from his hands. Tilt up his chin to see his expression. Say something like, “Look at me.”
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.
Charcoal scratches against rough paper. Aether can hear his own breathing in his ears and it’s way too loud.
“Done,” Xiao announces. His voice is like red paint. “Thanks.”
“Alright,” Aether says roughly.
He hops off the table and thinks. Thinks about the static filling the room. Thinks about the brief flash of color he swore he saw on Xiao’s face when they met eyes― he turns the image over and over in his mind.
And they say nothing more.
***
Xiao
Xiao stares at his ceiling, headphones blasting a playlist Aether had sent him.
He picks up his phone. Puts it down again.
He drafts text messages he’ll never send.
“hey, are you up?”
Xiao cringes.
“hey, the playlist you sent is really good”
He had already told Aether that in person.
“miss your voice”
This one, he almost accidentally sends, finger hovering too close to the button. When Xiao realizes, he panics, turning off his phone and shoving it under his pillow.
This is stupid, Xiao thinks, curling against the sheets.
Because he’s starting to think that maybe he’s been crossing some lines recently. That maybe he’s indulging himself a bit too much in Aether's attention.
Any more closeness and he’ll want more and more and more.
He doesn’t even know how to be a best friend anymore and it’s starting to scare him.
Xiao switches to a different playlist, one he’s never heard before.
And he hates it.
***
Aether
Aether turns over in bed, exhaling at the cooler side of his pillow. Shitty twin sized dorm bed. He reaches over to his phone, the glare of the blue light making his eyes squint.
2:26am
He groans in frustration, mashing his face into his sheets. He briefly scrolls through any missed notifications before immediately gravitating towards Xiao’s messages.
For the first time he finds himself hesitating.
It’s late.
I don’t want to be annoying. Aether’s stomach twists and he frustratedly kicks the blankets off his legs. He hates this― the overthinking, the anxiety, the push and pull of too much and too little.
He rereads his previous messages to Xiao before seeing a little bubble pop up in the corner.
Xiao is typing …
…
…
Aether freezes, holding his breath and clutching his phone in anticipation. He’s awake? He briefly thanks Celestia for his sheer stroke of coincidental luck.
But as Aether waits and waits, Xiao seems to stop typing and the message never comes. He lays there patiently for another few minutes but Xiao never texts him.
“Aaaaahh, what?!” Aether stands and pushes his long hair out of his face, pacing back and forth in the small space of his bedroom.
Was it an accident? Does he want to talk? Needing to calm down, Aether presses his palms against the ground and lifts his body into a handstand. His heels smack against his door loudly and he sends a silent apology to his hallmates.
Blood rushes to his head and he takes a deep breath.
Okay, so… Xiao was gonna text, but he decided not to.
Another breath.
An accident maybe? Unlikely. But possibly?
His forearms start shaking.
Is he drunk? Definitely not. Or what if he…?
Aether gracefully wheels his feet back to the ground, letting out a shaky exhale. “Fuck it,” he mutters, grabbing his phone and pressing call. He hurriedly crawls back into bed before he loses his nerve, his phone smushed between his cheek and the pillow.
The call connects.
“…”
“Xiao?” Aether whispers, suddenly nervous. It’s not like they hadn’t ever done this before but something about this was different. It’s like he has to pinch himself to keep from accidentally saying “I love you.”
“Hey,” Xiao says, his voice slightly rough.
Aether’s chest burns, flickering to life like a new flame. It was definitely different.
“Hey,” he pauses, runs through a millions iterations of what he could be saying, a reason for calling him so late, a dumb story, anything―
I saw you typing, is anything wrong?
Did you have a bad dream again? Want to tell me about it?
I just missed your voice and even though I heard it this morning, it sounds different over the phone somehow.
“Couldn’t sleep,” he whispers finally, somehow afraid that if he raised his voice any more, the suspended moment would shatter like glass. “Figured you might be awake.”
“Mm,” Xiao hums and Aether can hear the way his blankets rustle as he presumably shifts his position in bed. “I am.”
“Yeah…” A pleasant feeling pours like honey through Aether’s body. “M’not bothering you, am I?”
“No,” Xiao says immediately.
Aether turns to grin into his pillow, like he’s afraid Xiao would be able to see it through the phone.
“Can I talk to you then?”
Xiao makes a sound so soft that his phone barely catches. A warm laugh.
“You’re talking to me right now,” he says, and Aether’s sure he’s imagining it but it sounded as if there was something fond in his voice there.
Aether buries his entire face into the pillow. He really can’t take this.
“I know, but… you know.”
“I know.”
***
Xiao
Recently, something has changed between him and Aether.
He almost wouldn’t have recognized it if not for the way Aether had handed him his coffee order yesterday and when their fingers brushed, Aether had jolted. A splash of coffee onto the counter. A half a second of silence in which Aether’s co-worker had given him a knowing look, one that Xiao had no clue how to decipher.
That’s new, Xiao had thought.
Aether was never clumsy.
The change is subtle enough that Xiao can’t seem to put his finger on it. It’s as if there’s a fine layer of stilted tension that had developed between them before he had even realized it was there.
It threw him entirely off balance and most of all, it filled his stomach with dread.
It’s me, isn’t it?
***
Finals week ends without ceremony and despite the immense relief of knowing he’s passed all his classes, there’s still a string of unease running through Xiao’s mind. It’s like when a draft seeps into his room through the cracks in the walls and he has no idea how to seal the corners.
It’s me, he thinks again and again.
They’re sitting in a small booth, in the middle of eating their dining hall lunch when Aether invites Xiao over for winter break.
“Dainsleif will be making pound cakes this year,” Aether says after swallowing a mouthful of food. “It’s like, his signature dish but he’s refused to make it for us for so long.”
And for a moment, Xiao almost immediately says yes.
Because he did last year, and the year before. Ever since the first year that they’ve known each other, Aether had always invited him over to his family home for the holidays, especially after finding out that Xiao never really had plans or celebrated each year.
But as he looks at Aether sitting across from him, he doesn’t know if he can do it this year.
He doesn’t know if he can come home with Aether, look at all the baby pictures hanging by the stairway, fall asleep on the airbed right next to him.
Can he trust himself? To spend the first day of the new year with Aether and not want anything more?
His eyes absentmindedly catch on the flyers plastered all over the school bulletin board.
Wanna send a gift to a special someone this holiday? Contact Yun-Han A-Capella Group to deliver personalized carols for your loved ones!
He swallows.
Right, shouldn’t this time of year be spent with… someone special?
Xiao imagines it then, being someone special to him. Aether giving him a neatly wrapped gift as they sit by the open fireplace. The two of them watching the first snowfall of the year. The two of them kissing as they count down the new year.
Someone special.
Suddenly it feels much too intimate. Something Xiao can’t allow himself to experience again and again.
And perhaps it’s the strange newness between them recently but Xiao decides that he’ll refuse.
He’ll come up with an excuse.
It’s for the better. He could use some time alone anyway.
***
Aether
“So then it got me thinking,” Aether says, scrubbing the inside of a glass. A customer leaves and the cafe bells chime. “What if I get Lumine one of those corny matching twin sweaters?”
“... Yeah,” Xiao mumbles a bit distractedly.
Aether blinks at him.
He’s not listening to a word I’m saying right now.
Aether sets the cup down. Something uneasy settles through him at the realization. He thinks back on the past few days after finals season― Xiao hadn’t been avoiding him exactly, but something was… off.
It probably wasn’t anything serious, but Aether could tell that something was troubling him. He’d stare off into the distance during their conversations, refuse to meet Aether’s gaze.
The lack of explanation only had him fearing the worst.
Aether falls silent.
“Did something happen?” He asks gently, because he can’t stand not knowing if he did something wrong. “Are you… upset at me?”
Xiao’s face immediately morphs into one of shock and horror, “What? No―”
“I could never be upset at you,” Xiao finally looks at him.
But the words barely manage to ease Aether’s anxiety.
Of course you could be upset at someone. You could be upset at anyone.
“I’m sorry,” Xiao exhales a ragged breath. “Did I make you think I was mad at you or something?”
“I don’t know…” Aether looks away, feeling a bit awkward. “You seem kinda down lately so I thought maybe I…”
Xiao shakes his head fervently, his bangs whipping around his face. “No, it’s…”
His face twists into something complicated, something that Aether for the life of him realizes he has no idea how to interpret. Xiao fiddles with his ring, slips it on and off. Something like panic brews in his eyes as he seems to brace himself for his next words.
“I can’t come to your place for winter break this year,” he blurts. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh,” Aether says. Something uncomfortable settles in the air between them and he hates it. So Aether forces a laugh. “Okay. That’s really fine, Xiao.”
“Yeah I have a family thing… and I need to visit my cousins so,” Xiao swallows. “I’m really sorry I can’t be there this year.”
“No, don’t worry about it,” Aether chuckles lightly, but he’s still a bit disappointed. He can’t let Xiao know that though. “You’ll miss Dainsleif’s signature pound cake though, I’ll see if I can save some for you.”
Vines crawl around Aether’s ankles, wrapping up his legs, creeping towards his chest.
Xiao relaxes into a soft smile, and Aether catches the relief there. “Thanks.”
“Stars, is that really all you’ve been worried about?” Aether asks. The vines wrap tight, constricting around his torso, his feet rooted where he stands. “It really wasn’t… me?”
“No, Aether, of course it’s not you.”
It’s supposed to be reassuring, comforting even. But Aether can’t breathe now, vines squeezing taut, because he can see by the relief in Xiao’s face when he drops the subject that there’s something else he isn’t telling him.
He’s not telling me the truth.
It’s the first time.
And it’s not so much that Xiao’s hiding something from him― Aether didn’t expect him to tell him everything. It’s not like Xiao owed him his every waking thought.
No, it was the distinct sense of distance he felt then, like a cosmic rift torn open between them, as though they were on two opposite ends of a black hole, freezing at the edge of the event horizon.
Because Aether had thought that they had been growing closer recently, that the newness between them could've possibly meant something more.
He had been hopeful. A poor habit of his.
Aether should say something before the moment passes. He had always been the communicator between the both of them. But what if it’s not even that serious? Xiao had basically just reassured him as much.
So all that leaves his mouth is: “Okay, cool.”
***
Aether goes home alone for the holidays.
Xiao walks him to the train and wishes him safe travels and Aether tells him not to eat too many sweets while he’s gone and it’s like that whole weird thing between them had never even happened.
“Text me when you get there, yeah?” Xiao says, like he always does.
“Yeah,” Aether smiles at him.
All of it only makes Aether more confused, a jumbled mess of emotions he has no idea how to untangle.
He’d be lying if he said that he didn’t miss Xiao’s presence next to him on the ride home, that walking alone from the bus stop to his house felt cold and a bit more lonely.
It rains and it feels like the sky is mocking him.
Aether drags his bags through the door and laughs when their golden retriever comes bounding down the staircase to slobber all over him.
When he sees Lumine, he hugs her forever. She tackles him to the ground and it’s like time hasn’t passed between them at all.
Dainsleif greets him with a sack of gifts and a tray of pound cakes. They decorate the house in lights and pine and cheap golden ribbons. Lumine’s hair is a bit longer now and when she complains Aether promises he’ll trim it for her.
Dainsleif tells Aether that he seems different and he wonders what he means by that.
At some point he texts Xiao, “made it home safe! Lumi says hi,” and in his head the text reads “miss you already.”
Then he turns off his phone.
He doesn’t think about it, refuses to think about anything.
That evening, they decide to bake cookies, which really means that Dainsleif passes out on the couch and Lumine sits on a stool watching Aether make the cookies as they catch up.
Dainsleif sleep talks in the living room. Lumine shows him the popular dances she learned on social media and he makes fun of her.
It’s perfect. It’s home.
But as much as he tries not to think about anything, Aether ends up thinking about Xiao.
He mixes the butter and sugar. He thinks about how Xiao had hugged him before he got on the train.
He adds eggs. He gets wrapped up in the fantasy of him bringing Xiao home, except this time it’s to introduce him to his family, romantically.
Aether listens to Lumine tell him about her classes, her friends but he’s imagining Xiao on the stool next to her, rolling his eyes at something she said. They would get along. They already do.
“So, what’s new with you?” Lumine asks, startling him out of his daydream. She leans her arms on the counter.
So Aether tells her about his classes and his part time jobs and Xiao and Xiao’s art. He might’ve ended up talking about Xiao a little too much.
He shows her a picture of the sculpture Xiao had made of him even though she’s already seen it. He practically posted it online everywhere. He can’t keep the endearing smile off his face after seeing it again.
His sister listens, humming to herself.
“So… you and Xiao?” Lumine raises a brow and Aether feels the skin of his neck warm. He blames the oven.
“It’s not like that,” Aether says, laughing lightly as he stirs the dough.
Trust me, it really isn’t.
“Hmm,” she hums, peering at Aether’s face and suddenly he feels much too seen. He gets the urge to shove her off her stool so she can wipe that look off her face.
She wiggles her eyebrows. “But you want it to be like that?”
“No!” Aether says a little too quickly. He grips his spatula tightly. Even joking about it with his sister made his stomach twist with nervousness. “I mean, he’s just my best friend. We’re pretty close.”
Lumine’s eyes are wide in surprise but Aether refuses to look at her. She dips a finger into the cookie batter, brings it to her lips.
Outside, the rain pours, endless and deafening.
His sister stands and moves right next to him, a portrait of two twins joined at the hip.
She doesn’t look at him, just leans against his side.
“You love him, don’t you?” Lumine says, because of course she knows.
Aether can’t respond. His mouth is twisting and he’s trying to keep his face still because it feels weird, hearing someone else say it so easily. He’s trying not to stupidly smile. Or burst into tears. He’s trying not to spill all of it out for Lumine, how he realized and how things have been weird between them and how confusing all of it is―
Aether feels like a big glob of raw cookie batter.
But he doesn’t even need to say anything. Lumine can read that look on his face anyway.
His sister sighs and knocks her hip against his. He leans against her side like she’s a pillar of solid stone, present and grounding.
When Lumine speaks again, her voice is kind.
“Is that really so bad, Ae?”
Outside the clouds sink into the earth and Aether thinks about it.
Is it so bad?
Because despite how much it felt like it― the nervousness, the pretending, the worrying― loving Xiao wasn’t bad. It could never be.
And perhaps Lumine was right, perhaps he should be glad that Xiao has allowed him to be able to feel something so deeply.
If he stands outside of it all and looks in at the memories, the experiences, the moments together with him, it wasn’t bad at all. And no matter how it could end, he could live knowing that all of it still meant something.
So Aether tells his sister. Everything. All over again from the start.
It feels like lifting the world off his shoulders, finally being able to tell someone. To not have to carry something like this inside of him alone. Aether was never built for patience, unlike Xiao. He talks, Lumine listens. She understands the things that Aether doesn’t even know how to express and he loves her for it.
The cookies eventually burn in the oven, but they only laugh. And Aether promises to make them again.
***
The next morning Aether wakes in his childhood bedroom and looks out the window to see that the rain has frozen into snow overnight.
It’s beautiful, how snow seems to fall as quiet as a whisper. He feels a strange sense of peace.
The first snowfall of the winter.
I wonder if Xiao’s seen it yet, he thinks, because Aether’s decided this morning that he won’t deny the feeling anymore. He lets himself feel all of it in its entirety. I miss him, he thinks. I love him.
***
Xiao
Xiao wakes up to see their campus covered in a layer of thick white snow and wonders why the sight of it makes him feel so alone.
It is almost the new year and Xiao can only think of one person.
So impulsively, he goes on a small road trip. He grabs his wallet and phone before throwing on a coat and rushing out the door. He doesn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone.
He decides to just drive. Anywhere, it didn’t matter.
He drives until the roads are all fields and he can see Mount Aocang like a small skyscraper in the distance. Nothing but him and the trees and the sky. He thinks about how funny it is that he had always spent the holidays alone before Aether but now it feels absolutely unbearable.
He doesn’t turn on the music.
When the roads become too clogged with snow and his rusty four wheeler starts to run out of steam, Xiao pulls into a gas station cursing. He leans his forehead against the wheel and gets the urge to kick his stupid old car.
But he doesn’t. He just gets out and walks to the gas station convenience store.
They’re blaring an old 70s romance ballad that only makes Xiao’s day ten times worse so he decides to buy a bunch of junk food and sit in the corner and mope.
He stares out the window at the snow falling.
Seriously, what am I doing?
He eats a spoonful of his chocolate pudding snack pack and tries not to think about Aether’s voice in his head telling him how he should eat better. He sees a small keychain of Liyue’s national state bird and tries not to think about how Aether would think it’s cute.
A boy sitting on a stool in a gas station as the world turns around him.
The title: Absence actually makes the heart stop beating entirely.
Xiao doesn’t know how long he sits there staring at nothing, but he writes an email that he never sends, because who even writes emails anymore? He hears Aether’s laugh in his head, the exact cadence that he speaks, his voice a living constant.
It goes a bit something like this.
Subject: It’s snowing
I’m sitting in a mini mart. Wish you were here. Was gonna get xiaolongbao on the way home but I kinda don’t wanna eat it without you. Kinda feel like that’s our food now. Disregard that. Still wish you were here though. Or wish I was there.
I feel stupid. I don’t know what I’m doing.
It’s the first snow of winter, did you see? Of course you did.
I’m wearing that big winter coat I got last year. You know, the one we got on clearance at the thrift store near school? That winter where you wouldn’t stop pestering me about how I needed a proper winter coat. You always worry too much. Wish you would let me do some of the worrying for you.
I feel like I keep waiting for some big moment of closure. Or clarity. For what? I’m not sure. But the moment never comes.
I had a dream last night, you were in it. I already hate how cliche this sounds, but we were camping out back in a little tent and you cooked something in an open fire. Reminded me of that scene in Brokeback Mountain. You hate that movie because it doesn’t end well. I still love it because… I don’t know, really. The love was still there.
Will we end well? Don’t answer that. (Kinda wish we’d never end.)
I wish I were a poet. I wish I could tell you why.
I wish one of these days I could want less, be okay with my big winter coat, our xiaolongbao, all of it. You’ve given me too much already. But then you’ll do something like save me a seat on the shuttle to class and the wanting starts all over again.
I don’t know. I’ve never been good with words― that’s your job. I love that it’s your job.
Miss you.
Xiao.
***
Aether
The week of winter break passes and Aether makes up his mind.
He watches reruns of reality TV with his sister, curls up under a blanket and eats way too much of Dainsleif’s pound cake. But despite how much he loves spending time with his family, the week had felt way too long and the need to see Xiao was now overwhelming.
Because he had made up his mind.
On Sunday morning, New Year's Day, Xiao texts him: I’ll pick you up from the train station?
Which is unfair, truly.
Isn’t that something lovers do? Aether thinks, but he replies I’ll be there around 5:30 :)
Dainsleif sends him off with a specially wrapped loaf of pound cake. “For your friend,” he says with an awkward nod. When he says goodbye to Lumine she only gives him a tight, quick hug.
“Love you,” she smiles. She reaches out a pinky finger. “See you later?”
“See you later,” Aether says, locking his pinky finger with hers.
***
The entire train ride back to campus Aether feels his anxiety twisting in his gut because despite the fact that he’s made up his mind, the present feeling is absolutely awful. He bounces his leg against the seat restlessly.
He feels crazy. Like he wants to get up and practice by announcing it to all the passengers in this train car.
What if he sees Xiao and loses his nerve?
Or what if Xiao doesn’t feel the same but he’s too nice to tell him otherwise?
He tucks the carefully wrapped loaf of pound cake between his legs and resists the urge to throw up. He presses his forehead against the seat in front of him, but it’s no good. It’s all Xiao. One more second of thinking about him and Aether feels like he’s gonna burst.
The stranger in the seat next to him leans over, their expression worried.
“Everything alright, kid?”
“Yeah, just nervous. I’ve got uh… an interview coming up,” Aether lies, smiling.
“Oh,” they lean back, giving him a reassuring smile. “Take it easy, alright? Everything will be okay.”
“Thank you,” Aether mumbles, turning to look out the window. It did make him feel slightly better.
For the rest of the train ride he writes an unfinished letter on his phone, a long word vomit just to process everything in his head.
It goes like this:
hi xiao.
in an hour and a half i’m gonna get off this train and see you. i’m gonna tell you something but this time it might be the stupid thing i say that changes everything. or maybe i’m being dramatic. what’s crazy is that i know you won’t be mean after i tell you and i don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. you’ll be kind. you always are.
you see, i talked with lumi a lot over winter break and she’s convinced me even though i’m scared. i’m scared that i’ll say too much. scared that i’ll scare you away. scared that we'll fade apart and i'll become just a memory to you after. scared that i’m too much for you in general. lumi always used to tell me that, you know “oh ae, you’re too much sometimes” and i am horrified at the possibility that one day, or maybe already, or maybe after i tell you, i will be too much for you, xiao. tell me i’m not. or tell me i am so that i won’t fall in love with you even more. don't worry, i could never hate you though. that will never change. you’re my best friend (that might change). but despite all of it i
***
Aether hops off the train, nudging his way through the other passengers and whipping his head around. He’s searching for that head of dark hair, teal highlights. That big black winter coat.
He sees a familiar yellow umbrella, the top dusted in a fine layer of snow.
His hands are shaking in his pockets.
“Hey, Xiao!” Aether calls. The distance between them feels like a year in time.
Xiao looks up at his voice and he smiles. He’s holding a bag of takeout in his hands and when Aether recognizes the restaurant he feels like he’s falling all over again.
When he’s closer he sees that Xiao’s nose is a bit pink. His fingers curl into fists in his pockets.
“Hey, you’re back.”
“I am.”
“How were your holidays-”
“Um,” Aether interrupts. “I-I need to talk to you.”
Xiao blinks in shock, brief anxiety flashing across his face before he looks away. The umbrella tilts, covering his face a bit.
“Now? Yeah, sure,” he says, voice a bit distant.
“It’s nothing like that,” Aether says quickly, “Well, maybe. I don’t know.”
He clears his throat.
Is it really so bad, Ae?
“I missed you this past week,” he admits, looking at his feet.
“And I don’t know if I’m just making this up in my head, which is honestly pretty likely, but I don’t know. Things felt different between us and it made me nervous.”
Xiao looks at him, listening carefully. At those words, guilt flashes through his face.
“And it wasn’t because of you,” Aether quickly reassures him. “Or because we were apart. Anyway, it got me thinking about you being distant or what would happen if we drifted apart.” Something lodges in his throat and all he can hear right now is white noise. “And I realized I need to tell you something.”
For all that Aether felt he knew Xiao, he has no idea if he’d gotten it all wrong, if he’d somehow misread the most important thing.
He could be ruining everything.
But he was already here, standing on the train platform with the words falling out of him like snow. He feels unmoored, anchorless. As if one strong gust of wind could knock him flat over right now.
No, I have to tell him, he thinks.
So Aether pulls his dumb, beating heart out of his chest.
“I… I just feel like I’ll die if I don’t tell you,” Aether’s voice cracks. The weight of a blade sinks into his stomach, twisting. Somewhere, a bright star dies.
“But you have to promise me that we’ll always stay like this.”
Xiao grows impossibly still, a strange look on his face. “Like what?”
“This close. That even if you don’t like what I say, we can still be friends.” That you’ll still let me be a part of your life, Aether thinks desperately.
It was an optimistic request, because even if Xiao would never feel the same way, things would change. They couldn’t pretend that this never happened. Aether wonders if there’s a place in the world for all the words you never said and a place for all the words you regret saying. He wonders which place is better, in the end.
“Xiao, I um…”
No, he wouldn’t allow himself to regret saying this. This, at least, was his.
“Aether, what―”
“I have feelings for you,” it leaves his mouth in a breathless rush.
Aether stands there, unarmed. He resists the urge to touch Xiao, he was an expert in that at this point. He does his best impersonation of a boy standing there next to his friend before the world ends.
“I don’t know when it started exactly and I didn’t know whether or not I should tell you, because you're my best friend but,” Aether can’t look at him. “I couldn’t ignore it anymore. You… you mean so much to me and I…”
“I want to be even closer to you than we already are. I want to do everything that we already do but forever, until we’re old and grey. I want you and me to… you and me…” His eyes fill with water.
Fuck. The feeling is too much, and the world is a giant, watery sky. Xiao is a blurry, shaking figure before him, too close and too far.
His voice breaks.
“I think I love you,” Aether says finally, and it feels ugly, lying to Xiao.
Because he knows that he loves him, knows it the way the sun knows the horizon.
“And if you don’t feel the same, I just want you to know that it’s okay,” Aether finishes. “I’ll be okay with it. Because you’re my best friend.”
There is a beat, and the air falls so still that Aether gets the urge to flee.
He’s too afraid to look at him so keeps on looking at his feet instead. All around them, snow blankets the ground and that quiet winter stillness descends between them.
Heart in his hands, Aether waits.
Then Xiao is crashing into his silence, the takeout in his hands clattering to the ground, his boots dragging against cement as he takes a step closer.
He places a fist on Aether’s coat, roughly dragging him closer.
“W-what?”
“Y-yeah.” Aether resists the urge to say “I’m sorry” because he shouldn’t be sorry for the way that he feels about him, no matter how much it feels like it right now.
“Really?” Xiao’s voice is a weak thing, the wings of a butterfly.
“Really,” Aether answers.
He realizes that Xiao’s hands are shaking.
“Aether, I… I think I do too.”
As soon as he says it, Aether’s head snaps up to look at him in disbelief and he sees that Xiao’s eyes are wet, his lips slightly parted.
He can’t breathe.
“You’re…” Aether grabs the hand Xiao has around his coat, needing to see him. He feels Xiao’s pulse in his wrist, rapid as a flame. “You’re serious?”
Then Xiao’s face shifts into something vulnerable and nervous as he says, “Yes. I am.”
And Aether suddenly wants to tackle him onto the ground because it feels as if he’s in a movie, but infinitely better.
It’s like the moon finally kissing its tides.
Xiao’s umbrella, which is really Aether’s umbrella, falls against the snow, a splash of gold on the train platform.
“I… uh, I―” Xiao stutters, breathless, his eyes bright. “Can I kiss―“
Then Aether immediately brings both of his hands to Xiao’s face. He kisses his nose first. His soft pink nose. He feels Xiao shudder as presses his lips to his forehead, his temple and oh, he could die happy right now.
Xiao’s skin is trembling, his hands against Aether’s thick jacket, pulling him closer and closer.
“Wait, you’re sure?” Xiao asks him and Aether melts at how Xiao leans into his touch, blinks his eyes slowly.
Aether leans his forehead against his, swallows the lump in his throat.
“Xiao, I’m sure.”
And his best friend falls against him, lips pressing against his own like the earth meeting the sky.
It’s barely a kiss because Aether’s way too nervous and Xiao leaves before he has time to realize what’s happening.
So he tries again.
And this time he feels the heat of him, the way Xiao gives a stuttered sigh into his mouth.
“Aether,” Xiao whispers when he pulls away, drawing him back for more.
He inhales, the wind in his mouth, everything Xiao.
Xiao reaches his hands up to hold Aether’s face and he touches him like he still can’t believe it, like Aether is more precious than glass.
“You kissed me,” he says dumbly, soft flush on his face. “We’re kissing.”
So Aether laughs against his mouth because he can’t help it, he feels drunk and jittery and so incredibly happy.
And it’s worth it for the way Xiao looks at him in wonder.
He’s not sure how long they stand there, wrapped up in each other's warmth, but at some point Xiao suddenly pulls away with a gasp before searching the ground.
He frantically picks up the umbrella, the takeout, Aether’s heart.
“The soup dumplings,” Xiao explains quickly. “I dropped them and they broke, shit. They were for you.” He quickly scans the bag and frowns when he sees soy sauce and broth leaking all over the bottom.
“Dammit… I wanted to surprise you.” Then Xiao is pouting and Aether’s giggling like an idiot because he’s way too cute for his own good―
“Holy fuck,” Aether gasps, pressing his face into Xiao’s shoulder. “I am so sure. A hundred percent sure. I love you so much.”
Xiao opens his mouth and closes it, his ears adorably pink.
“Also it’s okay, we can always get more.” Aether wraps his hand around Xiao’s because he realizes elatedly that he can do that now. He greedily intertwines their fingers as if he can’t bear not to for another second. “Let’s go right now.”
Xiao chuckles and Aether swears he grows wings at the sound.
***
Xiao
His best friend kisses him. Again and again and again.
On the walk home. Under their umbrella. While they’re waiting for their takeout and no one is looking. The next day and the next.
Since when? They’re asking each other, like two kids huddled under the same blanket at a sleepover.
Like it’s a secret, their secret.
How long? How much?
Aether kisses him on his lips, on his face, on his hands, in his hair. Is it really okay? Xiao wants to ask in between. Can I love you?
Aether kisses him and he tastes like how honey feels in your mouth, languid and slow and addicting. It makes Xiao’s knees weak and he hasn’t been able to stop feeling like there’s a colony of bees living inside his stomach.
He tries to speak but it’s just bees.
He’s just about to ask if Aether really feels that way about him for the tenth time, just to confirm, but it’s too late― he’s kissing him again and it is so much better than every single time Xiao’s ever imagined it combined.
He thinks of the paintings, the sculptures. You know the ones, they’re all the same anyway.
The kiss, the lovers, the embrace. All of it, even the most revered and renowned works, a poor rendition in light of Aether’s arm against his waist, his hand touching the small of his back, his mouth against his.
Because none of the paintings show how Aether seems to smile into his kisses (he can never resist a smile no matter how hard he tries and it’s infectious so then Xiao does too). Or how Aether makes a little noise in the back of his throat when Xiao squeezes his bottom lip between his.
Language and art are useless before the way Aether looks up close, face flushed, wearing an entirely new expression that Xiao’s never seen on him before.
He loves me.
And the realization is staggering.
Xiao was going to drop out and give up his meaningless fine arts degree.
Get a new career in leaning his head against Aether’s shoulder, rubbing his thumb in the small crevice of his palms. Anything, as long as it was Aether.
He was utterly hopeless. Probably always has been.
***
Xiao had thought that love was simply a place he arrived at, a natural conclusion to the emotions he could finally name. But he found himself endlessly surprised at the feeling, departing and arriving like an inbound train at rush hour. And each time it arrived again, it would whip the wind around his face, the force of it leaving him breathless and unsteady.
He wants to come home to Aether.
To fill his life with him.
To taste sorrow and hardship with him and know that nothing could ever break them.
He wants to wake up every day and choose, this is the person I love, this is the person I love.
Most of all, he wants to be allowed to. And Aether reminds him every day that he is.
Aether texts him: Coffee after class? Or maybe Xiangling’s and then boba?
And Xiao has to remind himself that it’s real, that his best friend loves him and he’s tempted to respond: You still love me?
But he just says: Anywhere, with you.