the only heaven i'll be sent to (is when i'm alone with you)

by callmeshakesqueer

Summary:

Meredith has a secret that's the reason why she attempted to drown, and while Addison is trying to find out the truth, they end up closer than they thought they would ever be.

OR

season 3 AU where meredith and addison end up building a family without realising it

Chapter 1: we're not broken, just bent

Notes:

hi everyone!!
i truly believed i would take a break from writing during my exam session but... here we are, i guess. i haven't started such a long multi-chaptered fanfic in almost two years but i just have to write this story, given i cannot sleep at night, too busy thinking about the plot and the relationships between all those characters i love so dearly.
i've just finished watching the third season, so the story starts off on the 17th episode.
for my old readers who already know my works, i hope you will enjoy this as much<3 and for the new readers, thank you for giving this fic a chance!

TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of suicide, trauma and homophobia.
i will be writing from my own experience, all the while trying to stay in character and everyone please stay safe because the last thing i want to do is trigger someone, hence the warning.

welcome to the story:)

ps i will be posting every monday;)

“You broke her. I don’t know what you told her, but you broke her. Every good thing Meredith is… happened despite you.”

His voice is soft and quiet but Addison hears it despite the distance between them, standing in the doorway to Ellis Grey’s room. The ringing silence in the whole hospital that has fallen over the moment everyone saw the blue body of Meredith Grey still surrounds her wherever she goes and it makes it so easy to recognise Derek’s wrecked voice.

“She may not survive… and that’s on you,” He towers over Ellis, grabbing the side of her bed. “That is on you.”

“Derek.”

Addison is surprised to find her voice so steady. But she has always been this calm in the storm for Derek before everything went down, and vice versa. So, she plays her role, stops him before the situation escalates.

He turns back to see her and lets go off the bed. He follows her down the hallway, away from the room and stops around the corner, leaning against the wall, his breathing ragged with the sobs that are choked inside his throat, “This woman is just-”

“She’s a black hole, there’s no question, but she can’t help herself,” Addison says. “And she certainly can’t fix Meredith.”

“It’s my fault,” Derek shakes his head, tears escaping his eyes.

“Don’t,” Her voice cracks just a bit because she knows when Derek will fall apart completely, she will be right after him. And she cannot afford to do that, not when it’s his girlfriend, when it’s the love of his life and she barely has come to the realisation of what’s been creeping into her heart like a parasite, or to put it better - who.

“See, I knew what was going on and I wasn’t there for her,” He does not stop, he keeps on talking, panicked eyes finding Addison’s.

“You are human-”

“She was pulling away from me and I… I… I just....”

That’s when she understands. That’s when all of this rambling and threatening Ellis Grey and rebel tears finding their way down Derek’s cheeks and scratchy chin make sense. That’s when it hits Addison at full speed.

“You think she went in the water on purpose?”

When Derek nods, panic turning desperation and devastation, “She knows how to swim. She’s a good swimmer.” Then, he begins to sob and shake to the point she wonders how he is still on his feet, knees not giving out. She has to stop him before he gives up because no one can give up on Meredith now. Despite being a realist and a fucking surgeon, she feels that sense if anyone decides it’s too late for the blonde, then she will really slip away and leave them. As long as everyone stands tall and strong, with belief in saving her, Meredith can’t go.

“Derek,” She puts her hands on both sides of his face, shaking him gently to get him to look her in the eyes. “No, you do not get to break down. You do not get to fall apart.” In reality, she knows she is giving the same advice she would love for someone to give to her right now; she speaks not to one person, but to two, hoping she will listen to herself, too. “Not when there’s still a chance, and there’s still a chance, Derek. Okay?”

“Okay.”

He looks at her for a long moment, collecting himself. Both of them are mirrors right now, showing each other the other, but only Addison knows it. She wipes off the tears on his face and when he puts his hands over hers, she knows that they will survive. In the end, they will make it. Meredith, too. She has to.

“Okay.”

She takes her hands away and puts on a sad smile because she has run out of energy, out of a sudden, and that’s all she can do. Derek nods at her, face dry and eyes still terrified but finally with no madness inside of them.

As Addison turns around and heads the other way than he does, that’s when she falls apart. Silent tears run down her face, the information finally processed by her brain.

Meredith went in the water on purpose.

---

Two hours later, after pacing around the hospitals, checking up on patients and staying away from Meredith’s room, too paralyzed to find out on which side she ended up; if her skin still has the sickly blue colour and won’t get coloured up again or if she is back.

Shivers run down Addison’s spine when she remembers when she walked in and saw Meredith in that state for the first time. For a few seconds she simply stared, lips parted and eyes widened, disbelief blocking her logical thinking. However, she found her voice and started proposing any solutions, peritoneal lavage, continuous bladder lavage with warmed fluids, thoracotomy, anything. Ignoring everyone around working on Meredith, she begged her to stay.

“Come on, Meredith. Don’t do this.”

The door opened for a moment and she turned back to see Derek on the floor, lost and frozen. When their eyes crossed, she knew they are in love with the same, practically lifeless, person. That her eyes reflect the same despair and desolation. But she kept it together, helping Bailey and Chief, because that’s who she was - keep it together until she is alone and her broken pieces can fall on the floor.

But Addison knows the unknown will kill her if she spends any minute more hiding in the on-call rooms or bathroom. She has to know.

So, in this sudden flow of courage, she marches through the Seattle Grace, her heart ringing in her ears. Trying not to hesitate, she opens the door that will tell her how the history went on.

Her knees wobble the moment she sees the slightest of warm tones over Meredith - she is still pale but there are no blue and violet shades on her skin. For a moment, Addison stops and stares at her regularly rising and falling chest and relief floods her whole body.

“She’s breathing on her own,” She says and it takes a lot from her to take her gaze away and look at Bailey for reassurance.

“She is,” Miranda nods.

Addison steps further into the room, letting go of the handle she was holding onto. She comes closer to Meredith and watches her face, so peaceful, as if she hasn’t almost turned around so many lives.

“She’s been down a long time. Do we know the brain function yet?”

“We don’t know.”

All Montgomery wants to do is take Meredith’s small hand in hers and beg her to be okay. To be like before, but she knows she has to leave; Cristina is standing like a statue by the foot of the bed and it’s her person, so it's not Addison's place to be. She has come to find out if Meredith is alive at all, and now when she knows, it’s time to go.

Bailey leaves first and Addison lingers just to take one more glance at Meredith. Only then, when there is only her and Yang, she heads to the door.

Her mission is done.

She should go home after a sixteen-hour shift and go to sleep, but after changing into her normal clothes, each time she comes close to the exit, she turns around and finds herself walking in circles. That’s how she spends the next two hours until Callie finds her in the east wing, mindlessly pacing and stops her.

“Go to sleep,” Torres pulls her to the closest on-call room.

Addison doesn’t even protest. She lays down on the bottom bunk and only then, she realises how her whole organism is strained, her muscles tense and her head throbbing after the day of emotions and fear overcoming the whole building. So, she gives into sleep, her face nuzzling into the mattress and it’s not even a surprise all of her dreams turn into nightmares; she sees drowning people, turning violet and green, she sees everyone dying and she can’t speak because each time she wants to scream, her lungs fill with water.

Three hours later, she awakens with sweat on her back and the nape of her neck, heart pounding. Checking her phone, it’s after midnight, so she sits for a moment until she is fully awake and only then, she decides to make one more final visit, to know what state Meredith truly ended up with.

She stops by the station in the corridor when she sees Meredith has been moved to a different room. Through the open door, she sees Derek sitting on the chair by her bed and Meredith has her eyes slightly squinted, as if she is falling asleep but doesn’t want to and speaks softly something to Derek. She is okay. Broken, bruised, but alive. Sometimes only alive is enough.

Indistinct chatter surrounds her from each side, nurses passing by, but Addison stays in place, staring at the view in front of her.

“So she’s okay?”

When Mark approaches her, it puts her out of the trance she is in and she looks up at him while he mirrors her position.

“Yeah,” Addison nods, feeling one side of her mouth curling. “She is.”

They watch the couple in silence for a moment before he nudges her with his elbow.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mark asks, voice low and gentle.

“About what?” She raises an eyebrow, looking at him again.

But Mark is not stupid. And he knows her so well that he doesn’t even have to say for her to know what the conversation is supposed to be about; she only wonders what gave her out. Did he see her pacing? Did he see her crying? Did he notice she was falling apart at the mere thought of losing her ex-husband’s girlfriend?

Whatever it was, she is guilty and he is the only person to know it.

“Okay,” He chuckles and raises his hands in a peaceful gesture. “We are not talking about it.”

“There’s nothing to be talked about.”

“Okay, Red,” He says when he puts his arm around her shoulders and pulls her so she can rest her head against him. He moves his hand, warming her up and she closes her eyes at the warmth emanating from his body.

She is quiet when tears spring from her eyes and she hides her face into his shoulder and he lets her wet his scrubs.

“She almost died.”

“I know,” Mark says, holding her close. “I know. But she is all okay. They will be okay. We will be okay, too.”

Addison knows they have a history. God, what kind of history. But in the end, Mark is her friend, no matter how many years have passed and no matter how long it’s been since they met. And that even she, Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery, needs someone to rely on and hold her up.

“Let’s get you home,” Mark says and pulls her with him down the hallway.

She wipes her tears off, ignoring people that pass by looking at her and she laughs, “I’m not sleeping with you.”

“I am not sleeping with you,” He tells her, joining her in laughter. “I have standards now.”

That’s what she needs right now, the simple and easy company at the end of this nightmare of a day. So, they leave the hospital together and drive to Archfield and he walks her right to her door, kisses her cheek goodbye and she smiles at him before closing the door.

She hopes that tomorrow will be a better day. And promises herself to find Meredith first thing in the morning and make sure she is okay, especially after what Derek told her. The thought has been planted in her mind and she needs to make sure whatever Meredith did today won’t happen again. She has to help her, and she doesn’t know why she is making herself the saviour once again, trying to save someone again.

But Meredith is worth it.

Even if Addison’s feelings are out of place and she will never tell anyone about them. But it’s her promise, to help Meredith get better. To show her that people care and want her here. Even those people who were supposed to hate her from the beginning.

Notes:

i'm waiting for your comments:) i will appreciate every feedback<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 2: keeping your head up

Notes:

hii again!!
thank you so much for the warm welcome - i am still amazed by how many kudos you left only under the FIRST chapter. also, all the comments were so lovely and they made my whole week. i almost couldn't wait for monday to roll around, so i can post more! thank you so much<3 i'm sending all of you lots of love💓
i have so many ideas for this fanfic and i hope i can make all of them come true through the slow burn:)

hope you'll like chapter 2;)

The first time Addison tries to see how Meredith is doing she is stopped by the four-people crowd, all interns watching over her, telling her the drama in the hospital that she is missing out on while she has to lay in bed. Cristina seems to not be able to exit the room, even when the rest of the group leaves after getting paged. She sits by Meredith and holds her hand between hers and Meredith’s eyes light up just the tiniest bit, like they used to shine before.

The next time, it’s Callie finding her before she is even able to glance inside and pulling her away for lunch. They talk about her fears about George and Izzie, and this time Addison listens carefully, trying to be a good friend; her mind is frantic and unstrung.

“If you feel something is not right, don’t let others talk you into believing otherwise,” She tells Torres, eating the pudding and then, pointing the spoon at Callie.

“I know,” Callie rests her chin on her hand and sighs. “I know she is his best friend, but there is something weird going on.”

“The truth will come out,” Addison says. “It always does.”

“Okay, what’s going on with you?”

“With me?”

“Yeah,” Callie raises an eyebrow. “You’re acting all sulky and mysterious and… you haven’t said one single thing about yourself and that’s weird.”

Addison puts a hand on her chest, acting hurt, “It’s weird that I’m not talking only about myself?”

“As hell.”

“Give me a break, Torres,” She puts her food away.

They leave it at that, thankfully and when Addison heads back to the hospital, she truly believes that the third time’s a charm and she will finally be able to check on Meredith, just like she promised herself. But when she arrives, Derek is inside, pressing a gentle kiss on the blonde’s forehead and brushing her cheek with his thumb. She just watches like a creep before she is found by Karev and thrown back into the Jane Doe case.

Once she makes a promise, she keeps it, so four hours later since she was first trying to get to Grey, she is back and smiles seeing she is finally alone in the room.

The moment she steps inside, Meredith’s eyes that were stuck on the wall find her and there is a surprise all over her face.

“Addison.”

Her voice is soft when she spells her name, a bit raspy and Addison feels relief flooding her body that Meredith is still here, alive and remembering her name.

“Meredith,” Addison smiles and stops at the foot of her bed, by the small desk. “You’re up.”

“Yeah. I can’t sleep here.”

“How are you feeling?” She asks, keeping her emotions and smile at bay, not to freak the woman out by the sudden happiness.

“Ouchy,” Meredith admits, fiddling with her fingers. “Like someone hit me with a pan in the head and stomped over my lungs if I’m honest.”

Addison nods, knowing she has no right to push further, to investigate. But still, all she can hear in her head is Derek’s broken voice speaking about swimming. About letting go, about Meredith trying to kill herself. It’s not her place, honestly, it’s no one’s place to ask about it aside from a professional who Meredith should probably see. Well, most definitely; Addison doesn’t actually send off people to shrinks just like that but this occasion seems pretty fitting.

But instead, she decides to go a different route, “No morphine this time, hm?”

The chuckle that escapes Meredith’s mouth is enough for Addison to grin - to hide it she picks up the charts and read through Meredith’s folder as if she doesn’t know everything by now.

“Definitely not,” Meredith shakes her head and her eyes open wider when she hears laughter from behind the pages. “What?”

“I just remember you high quite good,” She says with a smaller smile now, putting the charts down and facing the blonde again.

It’s a comedy to watch her face fall and her eyes grow, “We talked that day?”

“We did.”

“Oh my God,” Meredith stares at her. “Oh my God. Did I say anything- Obviously, I must have said something dumb.”

Given what she has been through this week, Addison finds herself to have more mercy and she decides to put the intern out of misery way sooner than she usually would do.

“You didn’t,” Why the hell she can’t stop smiling? “You were quite adorable.”

Meredith’s cheeks turn pinkish and she blinks, lost a bit.

“What we talked about then?”

“About… hate.”

It’s amazing how Meredith can go from flustered to confused in one second.

“Hate?”

Well, Addison put herself in this position on her own and now there are not many smooth ways to get out of it. She might as well just tell the truth.

“I told you I don’t hate you, and I never really did.”

That confession seems to work quite differently than Montgomery expected. Instead of another pair of beautiful blue wide eyes, she gets a sly smile and a gentle nose scrunch; there is something so strong yet vulnerable about Meredith right now, alive after the hell her death created in the hospital. Here she is, amused by Addison’s words.

“It’s good to hear,” She says. “I’ve never really hated you, too. And heavens know I tried.”

They laugh together now, like friends and definitely not like people who have such a history together.

“I’ll come by later,” Addison finally speaks up after a moment of silence when the laughter dies out.

She turns to the door and stops, hearing Meredith: “Please do. You’re the first one not to fuss over me.”

“Should I start?” Addison turns her head back and raises an eyebrow.

“No.”

Smiling one last time, she leaves Meredith to rest.

---

The process of befriending each other is unexpected, despite Addison's hopes it would happen. It sort of feels like when you’re on a rollercoaster - it begins slowly as you ascend your way to the highest point, and then, you are falling down, down, down at such speed you can’t even comprehend what’s happening. What has begun as loose conversations and awkward stares turn into sneaking Meredith’s favourite snacks in the middle of the night when Addison has free ten minutes between delivering babies and buying her favourite books she’s left in the house in New York and telling Meredith to read them when she’s bored.

Addison finds it hard to understand it’s been only four days, as it feels much longer. In the haze of working and taking naps in on-call rooms, with the sudden outburst of new patients, she finds herself each evening back at the same doorway.

The room, however, is empty but Meredith is dead asleep, her lips parted as she drools on the pillow. She laughs quietly and enters, taking a seat on the couch that’s on the left side, lemon ice chips in her hand, which she brought for the blonde.

Waiting there, she finds herself changing position and she has no idea when she falls asleep. One moment she is watching Meredith breathe and the other someone is shaking her awake.

“Karev?”

Alex is above her, jerking her arm. She feels her hand hurt from holding onto the package and an ache in the front of her head when she sits up, yawning, forgetting she is in front of one of the interns.

“It’s Jane Doe,” He tells her. “Her baby.”

She waves her hand, signalizing to give her a minute and she clears her head and takes a look at Meredith. She is still asleep but when she follows Karev down the hall, she bumps into Derek.

“I haven’t been to see her today,” He stops her. “Is she alright?”

“She is asleep,” Addison tells him. “But everything looks okay.”

Despite that, he still rushes down the hall and she watches him go to where he belongs. With Meredith Grey.

However, throughout the past days she’s spent being almost a guardian angel, she found herself ignoring her feelings and the stress of them, more and more with each second they spent together. She has even begun to question herself if the feelings were real in the first place, if she didn’t make them all up because of the horror she felt witnessing the sight of the blue skin and lack of breathing. Because now, she feels they could really be friends.

The best is to leave it be and never come back to whatever has grown in her heart when the luxury of panic overcame her the day they found Meredith in the water. To let it stay in the past as an episode of something illogical and pointless.

Now, she has a baby to save.

---

For Meredith it’s different. Weird all the same, sure, but it reminds her of swimming.

Of what happened five days earlier.

But not exactly the same.

Because talking with Addison, sharing jokes and stories that make their minds go towards directions much further away than Seattle Grace, just being in her soft presence feels like diving into the water. But not the cold water of Elliott Bay, but a warm lake in the summer, the water so clear it shows its bed. And it doesn't make her lose her breath - it makes her feel like she is able to breathe underwater. Like she doesn’t have to resurface for oxygen because Addison by her side is enough to share the oxygen awash.

When Addison leaves, though, she has to swim up. The thoughts of drowning again, no matter how tempting when her mother’s words echo in her head, don’t tempt her when she has the vision of Addison visiting her again.

Her mother, who is now dead and cremated in a plastic bag, hidden in her nightstand back home, brought there by Derek. She asked him to hide it before she decides to do it next about it. And despite that woman doesn’t exist anymore, just her ashes, she still haunts her. And somehow, it is easier when she has to lay in bed instead of working and continuing the life she tried to end.

Cristina listens to her rant for fifteen minutes and looks at her like it’s the most amazing thing that she speaks and breathes- and yes, she should be more understanding. It’s her person, after all, and she can’t imagine… If she was the one to watch Cristina barely alive, she doesn’t know who she would become. So she accepts the attention and smiles when Cristina squeezes her hand and blows her a kiss to make Yang finally laugh.

But she is not alone for too long and she’s expected the regular visit.

Ten minutes after eight, Addison comes by, knocking on the door which is always open. She is wearing a black pencil skirt and a soft beige sweater that clings to her body, her hair straight and let loose. She hasn’t been here in something else besides scrubs, so Meredith feels a tiny surprise.

“How my favourite patient is doing?” The hills echo on the floor when she comes inside.

“Have you finished your shift?” Meredith asks and tries to ignore her hands shaking.

Not now. Not when Addison is here.

“I did,” Addison heads to the mountain of chocolates on the desk that people come by to give her. She searches through them for the marzipan ones - her favourites, how Meredith has learned. “Finally, I’ll be sleeping in my own bed.”

Meredith doesn’t answer when the shivers take control of her body. She puts her hands under the covers, so it is not so visible.

The problem is, ever since has come back to life, she had those attacks of cold. They happen even when her body is warm - one of the nurses told her it’s the trauma and her brain playing tricks on her. She knows her temperature is just right and there is no sensible reason for her to shake like this, like she was just taken out of the water. And of course, it has to happen now, when someone close is around her. The last thing she wants is to make people worry again.

She doesn’t want to be a problem again. She is so tired of being the problem; but in the end, isn’t that all she is?

“Are you cold?”

Fuck.

Before she can say a word or make up any lie, Addison drops the chocolates and approaches her and puts the palm of her hand against her forehead first, then pulls her hand where it’s hidden under the covers, checking the temperature, “You are warm.”

“Yeah, it happens sometimes,” Meredith says with a heavy heart. “They told me I might experience this feeling, even when my temperature is normal.”

“Is there a way I can help?” Addison lets go of her hand, lingering by the bed.

“Addison, thank you but no, I’m gonna be okay,” She says and feels herself building up a wall slowly, brick by brick, slowly shutting off.

Where she expects compliance, she finds resistance because Addison crosses her arms on her chest and looks at her like she can see through her.

“Meredith.”

She sighs, “Hot tea, perhaps?”

The smile that grows on Addison’s lips is worth giving in; the bricks now are all over the floor and there is open space all around Meredith.

“I’ll be back.”

Patiently waiting, Meredith tries rubbing her hands together to create warmth; after ten minutes it only gets worse and she covers herself with the sheets up to her chin, becoming a cocoon. It usually catches her in the middle of the night, not this early, but she’s had a worse day in general, especially after an argument with Chief.

Webber told her she needs to spend three more days until they are sure and the moment she threw her hands over the edge of the bed, ready to stand up and told him she is, unfortunately, alive, she knew she screwed up. Derek instantly came around, right when she said the words and she watched him shatter inside, watched Chief realising.

So, despite her heart being homesick to a place that does not exist or one she won’t reach, she has to stay two more days.

She won’t try anything to hurt herself, she knows she won’t repeat what it did to people around her, but they will worry anyway.

Only Addison isn’t trying to bite her head off.

Because she doesn’t know that it was you, her consciousness tells her.

Addison, who know comes back with a paper cup that’s steaming. Her smile dies out a little when she notices how severely Meredith is shaking.

“Mer…” She waits for her to sit up and then hands her the drink, but keeps holding it knowing she would spill it with those unstable hands.

“Thank you,” Meredith tells her when she puts the drink away, feeling a little bit better. But the shaking - it is something in her head. Tea won’t fix it, but she just wanted to do anything, suggest any idea to make the tension on Addison’s beautiful face disappear.

“I am worried about you,” Addison says. Meredith is ready to fight back because the one person who let her live is now becoming like everyone else, but the redhead stops her by raising her hand. “No, I’m not going to lecture you. But there must be something to make it better.”

As someone who already has been to war with Addison, it’s obvious she few and far between loses her fights. She is too tired to try to win with someone who is a great soldier and never makes it easy on you.

“There is one thing…”

She tries to sound as uninterested as possible, but it’s hard when the small confession lights Montgomery’s whole face.

“Tell me. For real. Anything.”

Meredith clears her throat and sits up straighter, “Derek sometimes just holds me…? It manages to ease the shaking a bit. I just can’t stop on my own sometimes.”

“Okay,” Addison nods, motivated all at once.

“Really?” Meredith stares up at her.

“Of course,” She says like it’s obvious for the ex-wife and ex-mistress turned girlfriend to snuggle together on a hospital bed. “Now, move over.”

It makes Meredith laugh while Addison is busy pulling down the side barriers of the bed until she is able to climb the mattress up without any obstacles. She shakes her heels off when she is on both knees on the bed and Meredith shifts as much as possible to her left.

“How do you like to lay?” Addison asks when she is already sitting on the edge, awkwardly waiting for them to cuddle.

Meredith takes a deep breath and realises that they have come this far already and that the worst part is over, “Could you just… spoon me? If that’s okay with you.”

She feels her muscles tense up, both from the shaking and the suddenness of the whole situation - five minutes before she was alone, buried under the heaviness of her thoughts and now she is discussing the position she wants to be held. It makes her brain run in circles like the system just stopped working and she has no thoughts, or perhaps too many of them.

“Turn around,” Addison’s words wake her up. “So, I can spoon you, Grey.”

Without any comment, Meredith does as she is told and after a moment when her head hits the pillow, she feels legs behind hers sliding under the sheets and a hand embracing her in the waist. Addison pulls her closer, curling her hand around her flat stomach and she feels a chin resting a top of her head, with Montgomery laying down a bit higher than her.

Finding courage in herself, Meredith nuzzles into the warmth of the body next to her and her muscles begin to relax. She feels the rhythm of soft breathing against her back and a new scent she only has smelt before for a couple of seconds, now overcoming her senses. It’s something exclusive and yet down-to-earth, a gentle hint of rose with sandalwood.

“Thank you, Addison,” She whispers when the shaking slowly loses its hold over her.

“You’re welcome, Meredith,” It’s a mere murmur.

This way, Addison holds her until she falls asleep and her last thought is how much she wants to stay in this warmth. Her nightmares don’t let her keep the memory of it, instantly busing her with a heavy feeling in her chest and water pouring inside her house. Nonetheless, Addison keeps her warm as long as she can.

Derek watches the scene, wondering if he should come inside and stop whatever madness is happening. A weird feeling settles at the bottom of his stomach and he makes the decision at the same moment that Mark catches his elbow and stops him.

“She needs friends too,” He tells him, voice low not to disturb the unfolding moment. “She needs everyone now.”

“But Addison-”

“She fought for her, too. Let them have it.”

So, surprisingly for the type of man that Derek Shepherd is, he does let them have it. If it means keeping Meredith alive and managing to heal whatever Ellis Grey broke in her.

Notes:

can't wait for your feedback<3 every comment means the world to me!
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

link to my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=OI8c4Lo3TRuoB_y-8dgJ4A

Chapter 3: so come over now and talk me down

Notes:

hii!
i cannot believe we are already at 100 kudos... this story began accidentally and i didn't really plan for it to be so liked and it just warms my heart to see it. all of your comments are so lovely and make me literally CRY AND JUMP AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT, thank you so so so much for them. i'm trying to answer each one of them because all of them mean the world to me. it truly makes me want to write more for you - i am already over 20k words in this story and i try to write every day:)

also, given it's a slow burn, derek will be around for some time... also, in this chapter i just love mer and cristina moments together, being each other's person<3 hope you'll enjoy it as well:)

“Finally.”

Meredith is standing in low-rise jeans and her favourite Dartmouth shirt, taking in the morning light right in front of Seattle Grace. She squints her eyes and lets a sigh, knowing it’s time to face the real world again. She would love to throw herself back to work but the Chief and Doctor Bailey agreed to let her out early if she would take two weeks' leave and make recovery at home.

So, here she is, seven days spent in the hospital room, watching the birds fly across the clear blue sky.

She hopes it will rain soon.

“Ready?”

She turns her head to Derek who is carrying a bag with her things and she catches the hand he reaches out for her. Their fingers intertwine; it’s almost the same. Almost. But the naturalness of it, the habit of it, to walk with a man on the street holding hands, is unexpectedly lost.

He gives her a ride back home and insists to carry her bag to her room like she can’t do anything on her own anymore. They laugh together as if nothing has changed, like he doesn’t look at her with overflowing fear in his eyes, like he doesn’t watch her every small movement, trying to interpret it as a signal she will end up under the water again. He cooks her late breakfast while she sits by the kitchen island and the domesticity of the scene should catch her heart, the realisation that someone here loves her and she should be thankful for every second of it.

This is the man she loves. Because, of course, she loves Derek. But she is not in love with him; he doesn’t make her heart feel like… like…

“There you go,” He places a plate with two sunny-side-ups and a piece of toast in front of her. “I have to get back to work, I’ll come by later, okay?”

“Okay,” She smiles and kisses him back when he leans in.

Ever since drowning, her appetite has surprisingly grown and when Derek is out of the house, she literally throws herself at the food. It takes a maximum of three minutes for the plate to be empty and her stomach regrets eating so quickly, beginning to hurt pretty spoon.

Meredith decides to go lay in her own bed finally, not the stiff mattress in the hospital and it hits her when she walks in - her eyes instantly fall onto the nightstand and remembers her mother is quite literally just hidden there. So, she decides to face it and pulls out the plastic bag and raises it to her face level staring at the grey ashes.

“You made me like this,” She says, voice dispirited. “You’re dead and I still have to deal with you and with… everything. You made me like this and still managed to get away with it.”

She hides the bag back into the nightstand but turning from side to side, she can’t fall asleep with the awareness it’s there. So, she decides to find the farthest place in the house from her room and that ends up being one of the top cupboards in the kitchen, right between the fancy plates they never use, so no one should find it there. But even back in bed, her thoughts are haunted by all of her demons.

That’s why Izzie finds her in the backyard doing the weeding as she squats between the plants no one from the roommates ever cared about. But Stevens is smart enough to just wave her hello and propose she will bake red velvet cupcakes, to which Meredith shows a thumb up, still working. She ends when the garden looks as much presentable as it can after a year of ignoring it; just then back in the house, she feels the beautiful smell coming from the kitchen.

Neither of them feels like talking, so Izzie begins making another bowl of dough while Meredith devours five cupcakes in one sitting. Once again, she ignores the bellyache.

She wonders if Addison will come to visit. Last night, she came for five minutes, still wearing the scrub cap and sweaty after a long surgery.

“I heard tomorrow is a big day.”

“About time,” Meredith told her and hated herself for how sleepy she sounded; just a minute before she was almost asleep and couldn’t shake it off.

So, like an idiot, she fell asleep in the middle of a conversation and now, she feels guilty, remembering it. She hopes for Addison to come by, give her an opportunity to apologise and explain she is just a walking disaster; before, she was able to hold up a conversation but now it’s like all she’s ever had is shattering.

When the door ring echoes through the house after the dinner she eats with Izzie, she rushes to the door with high hopes. She is greeted with Derek’s face, though.

“Hi,” She says, smiling despite it all.

But all the hopes for his tight hug and kiss against the pale skin of her shoulder to feel like coming home go crashing down.

---

With A Winter Haunting in her hands, Meredith is slowly heading to the end of the book. She found books are a great escape from everything in her mind, especially thrillers like this one, which is making her tense for finally different reasons than her own issues.

“I didn’t know you liked to read,” Derek says, laying on his side, his cheek resting against the curled fist as he watches her.

“I didn’t know myself,” She smiles and takes a quick glance before her eyes return to the white pages.

But there are two sides to losing yourself in stories of people who have never existed - of course, you may comfort in it but not all books are made to give you this safety. Some of them are carefully crafted just to find your weakest spot and kick it over and over again until feel like you can’t catch a breath.

So, Meredith’s breath hitches when she comes around the page 273 and begins the third paragraph.

“To Whom It May Concern: Everything that I’ve lost, I’ve lost because I fucked it up. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I think I’ve spent my life either trying to be someone else or waiting to become me and not knowing how. I’ve come too far out to this place and don’t know the way back.”

She closes the book, a piece of toilet paper as her bookmark and places it on the nightstand, skin itching.

There is just one way she can think of forgetting words that got under her skin. She turns to Derek, whose eyes are slightly shut and pulls him close. Their lips meet time by time and he pushes her gently into the mattress; her eyes are closed and she tries to feel the way she is supposed to feel, tries to enjoy the scratch of two-day stubble and his weight on top of her. He is not rough, he is not as pushy as he was before and she knows his heart. But it’s not enough.

“I… Derek, I can’t,” She leans back, breathing heavily and shifts back until she feels the bed ending.

Derek sits up and looks at her, opening his mouth, but she is faster.

Meredith stumbles out of the bed and races to the door, opening it widely and heading straight to the bathroom. She shuts the door with a loud bang, probably waking Izzie, but she is far too deep in her head to care.

“Meredith?!” His voice is muffled by the door.

She slides down the wooden surface and hides her face in her hands. Her body is in fight or flight mode and now, locked up in the bathroom, she feels the shivers winning over her.

“Meredith, what’s wrong?” Derek is standing by the door, one hand pressed against it. “Talk to me.”

Too much, she knows it’s too much, to stay in this world with the only thing in her head being her mother’s voice telling her she is not a Grey anymore. She curls up on the cold tiles and begins to cry, sobs wrecking her chest.

Izzie comes out of her bedroom in a bathrobe, rubbing her eyes after sleep, “What’s going on?”

“It’s Meredith,” Derek says and silences for a moment, making it enough to hear Meredith’s sobs on the other side of the door. “We were just fine a minute before.”

She comes to his side and knocks softly on the door, “Hey, it’s me. What do you need?” Izzie sighs when no answer comes. Looking up at Derek, she decides, “I’m going to call for Cristina.”

---

Half an hour later, after the crying sounds have just stopped but the door stayed locked, Yang arrives at the house and is led upstairs where Derek is still waiting by the door. Izzie is right behind her, “She doesn’t want to leave or open the door.”

“You two must go if you want me to do anything,” Cristina says and waits for Derek to push himself up off the floor. She watches them go downstairs and only when she is sure they are not at the bottom of the stairs, she knocks on the door.

“It’s me,” She says. “Your person. You are supposed to let your person in. It’s a rule I’ve just made.”

She really isn’t in the mood for games and since it’s Meredith, obviously she knows. So it takes only a minute for her to hear the lock turning and the door opening ajar. Cristina walks in, pushing herself through the thin passage and finds Meredith still on the floor, legs pulled to her chest and cheeks and nose red from the crying.

“What the hell happened?”

Cristina takes a place next to her, closing the door again. Meredith drops her head on her shoulder and nuzzles into her, seeking body warmth.

Her voice is scratched from all the crying, “I don’t want to be like this. I really don’t but I’m me. I- I cannot change who I am and I tried,” Tears begin to stream down her face again and her voice cracks “I really tried, Cristina.”

“Shhh,” Yang leaves her usual comfort zone and squeezes Meredith’s cold hand. “You’re okay as you are. It’s okay.”

“I am not.

“You are,” If they are going to fight about it, let it be.

“If you only knew…”

That’s what angers Cristina, so she pulls away and shifts on the floor to be right in front of Meredith, face to face. When the blonde doesn’t look up at her, she puts her hands on her cheeks and pulls her head up until their eyes meet.

“Listen, you dumbo, I don’t care. I don’t care how badly screwed up you are because both of us are fucked in the head, but that never showed us reasons to give up on each other,” She shakes her gently into reality. “You are Meredith, dark and twisted, but you are my Meredith. You could be a fucking murderer or a gangster, whatever, and I still wouldn’t care. End of story.”

“Okay,” Meredith mumbles.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Now get you out of the floor before you freeze your ass off,” Cristina stands and pulls her up. “What do you want me to tell Derek?”

Meredith feels bad about her answer but she is way too exhausted to question her own decisions, “Send him back home. I just can’t face him right now.”

Cristina throws her back into the bedroom and Meredith curls up in the middle of the bed, closing her eyes. She feels the mattress dipping under something and she feels the familiar flowery perfume, which is enough to know it’s Izzie. They don’t talk until Cristina comes back and lies down on the other side. Both of them keep her safe and sound, blacking out the outer world.

It’s been a long time since she’s allowed her friends to be this close to her and see her this vulnerable. If she only had more strength, she would push them out of her room and once again hide from everyone and everything. For now, though, she lays still under the covers and blankets they cover her with and falls asleep with the feeling of Izzie’s arm brushing hers and Cristina’s foot touching her calf.

---

Addison is waiting for the next couple of hours to pass so she can finally go back to the hotel as she drinks her completely cooled-down coffee. She rests her elbows on the counter of the nurses' station and waits for the intern Bailey was supposed to send her twenty minutes ago, but no one comes.

Finally, she notices the short woman storming through the corridor, with only George and Alex behind her. Bailey clearly is furious, her voice raised enough to reach Addison’s ears.

“What do you mean there aren’t here?”

“They don’t-” George tries to answer.

“I know they don’t pick up their damn phones!”

She would chuckle if Miranda wasn’t right in front of her; just when she opens her mouth to ask, she hears footsteps resounding from the other end of the corridor and Izzie with Cristina are running towards the resident.

“We’re so sorry,” Izzie barely halts in front of Bailey. “We tried to get here as soon as possible, we just overslept-”

“Overslept?!”

“It’s Meredith,” Cristina cuts in and everyone falls silent.

Addison feels her heart in her throat, realising that yes, Meredith spent yesterday in her house with no one to probably watch over her. She grabs onto the counter and cannot form a single word on her tongue.

“What’s with Meredith?” Bailey asks.

Her voice is steady but Addison knows better than that; she saw how she fought for the intern, how she didn’t let anyone give up. And she knows how much she cares and that there is the same fear setting in her chest and lump in her throat.

“She had a rough night,” Cristina says, uncomfortably brushing back her hair. “We stayed with her. She…”

“Needed us,” Izzie completes.

“Okay, fine,” Bailey nods. “Stevens you’re with Doctor Montgomery for the morning.”

And without any warning, she passes the women by. Izzie stays behind while the trio runs after her. She smiles awkwardly at Addison and only then, she realises she has a job to do and most certainly, that job isn’t worrying about Meredith Grey.

She doesn’t ask, doesn’t really dare to because she knows Izzie will eventually come to her, talk it out. The intern is just like that, sometimes needing to shake the weight off her shoulders and despite their road being a bit rocky after the way Addison used shock treatment on her, it’s getting better. So, Addison sends her off to do the charts and check up on two of their patients. Herself, she prepares tests on Jane Doe’s baby and mother herself and waits for the results when Stevens finds her, done with all her assignments.

“Have you ever had to look after someone fragile?” Izzie asks without any introduction. “Do you know how to do it?”

Addison looks up from the documents in her hands, “Did something bad happen again?”

It’s clear as day Izzie is hesitating between over-sharing or not letting the words roll from her mouth.

“It’s just… Meredith is as okay as you can be after…” Izzie finally leans into the first option. “But yesterday, no one could go through to her. She locked herself in the bathroom and cried and we could do nothing for such a long time. I know it was the same with me weeks ago, but I find it much harder to take care of someone like this than be that person.”

“You just have to stay by her side,” Addison says, a pang of pain in her chest the only guide she cares. “Even when it’s uncomfortable, even when you’re afraid. If she sees people stick around, she will get better. It will take time,” Given it was a suicide attempt. “And some wounds never heal. But Grey is a strong one.”

Izzie nods, her eyes inflating with hope. She gives Addison that nervous unsure smile of hers and nods again, pressing the charts against her chest.

“Could you… visit her after work? I will be here until late night and no one else is home,” Izzie speaks up again after she thinks the conversation is over. “And she doesn’t really want to see Doctor Shepherd.”

Addison presses her lips together and decides sleep and rest can wait after all, “I could,” She smiles at Izzie whose face lights up. “Just give me the address and I will see how is she doing.”

She would do it anyway, not needing anyone asking her to.

Notes:

i can't wait for your feedback! i am incredibly grateful for every single one comment xxx
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 4: i need new ways

Notes:

hello!
thank you for all the kudos and the sweetest of comments. i feel so grateful for having such lovely readers and it only makes me want to write more. recently i hit 40k words of this fanfic so we don't have to worry about running out of new chapters:)
this chapter has some vulnerable meddison moments and as an addition addison+mark+callie scene because i love the three of them as besties<3

hope you'll enjoy;)

With a paper bag in one hand, Addison rises the empty one to knock on the door. She stands there, looking around and wondering if she got the right address and tries not to pay attention to how her heartbeat thrashes inside her ribcage.

Just when she decides to knock again, the door opens widely.

“Hi,” She says when a small frame in the doorway appears, the blonde hair let loose and messy around her face, bangs falling on her forehead.

“Oh, hi,” Meredith stares at her surprised and just when Addison opens her mouth to ask if she can come in, she steps back and makes more room. “Please, come inside. I didn’t expect anyone coming this early, so… I might look a bit chaotic.”

“I thought I would drop in with some groceries and cook early lunch?” Addison shakes off her heels and Meredith takes her coat to the hanger.

“You didn’t have to,” But despite that, Meredith’s whole face lights up.

Addison follows her through the living room to the kitchen and places the big bag on the kitchen island. Before she begins to unpack it, she takes a closer look at Meredith - the big dark circles under her eyes, the bottom lip bitten and chopped and the way she slouches when she drops onto the chair on the other side of the counter.

“Well, I wanted to,” She gives her a bright smile and decides not to dig deeper for now, clearly, Meredith has just woken up. “Do you like stuffed peppers?”

“I’ve never eaten them but I am willing to try,” She nods and watches carefully as Addison brings out all of the ingredients and begins to search through the cupboards like it’s her own place; something about it is so tender that Meredith just lets her storm every place in the kitchen throughout her search for knives and plates. “Comfort food is your thing, too?”

“Sure it is.”

“Peppers are quite fancy compared to my sandwich method…”

“A change is good-” Addison halts midway as she opens the top cupboard on the right. “What the hell is that?”

She turns around to Meredith with the plastic bag held between her thumb and pointing fingers, eyes widened.

“Oh, it’s my mother,” Meredith says.

“Your mother.”

“Yep.”

“I- You know what? Nevermind,” Addison turns around and hides the ashes back into the cupboard, quickly shutting it. “We will talk about that on another day.”

Another day makes Meredith’s chest tighten and she has to tightly press her lips together to stop the first smile she actually feels in the past twenty-four hours. She got so dark and twisted that her face couldn’t even recall how to pull the muscles into a smile, let a lot on a full-on grin which would grow on her mouth at this moment if she only hadn’t held back. Because the idea of Addison coming back here, just paying a simple visit and- the very idea of Meredith crossing Addison Montgomery’s mind besides their workplace and having her care if she ate something and cook for her.

That is something that catches her heart and squeezes it. She feels the stinging in her eyes and she hates herself for getting overly emotional again; like something has broken down in her when she let the luxury of panic overtake her in front of her boyfriend and her friends and she can’t put it back together.

She used to be indifferent, perhaps even numb.

Now, her ribs feel like bursting at the smallest display of care towards her.

Because her mother told her she doesn’t deserve it. That she is not worth even being in the mind of anyone, that she regrets having a kid like Meredith, and that she lets her down, time by time.

Her throat gets tight and she steps down from the chair and turns around, putting a hand against her mouth. But it doesn’t stop the choking sound of sobs; she curses herself internally and crosses her fingers Addison is too busy running around the kitchen to notice.

But that is just an idiotic idea because Addison notices everything.

“Meredith, are you okay?”

Grey hears things being put down on the counter and steps coming towards her. She doesn’t move, still trying to quiet down the painful noises her body makes.

“Meredith?”

Addison approaches her and the moment she gently puts her hand on Meredith’s shoulder, that’s enough to fall apart.

“Oh my God,” Meredith lets out as tears drop from her eyes and she turns to face Addison. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t be seeing this.”

Just when she wants to step away from Addison, from her warmth and offering of her friendship, the redhead stops her. Her hold becomes stronger, but never strong enough to hurt Meredith any way and pulls her close. Meredith’s face lands in the crook of her neck and her hands hang helplessly by her sides while Addison’s strong arms embrace her and tightly hug her.

Meredith is so tired of being scared to be on her own. She is so exhausted of fearing she will get herself back into the bathtub and this time there will be no Derek to pull her out, no Cristina to bang on the bathroom door. She wants to be okay with being alone again. She wants to feel safe in solitude like she used to do.

“It’s okay,” Addison says in a soft voice, shushing her. “It’s okay.”

And Meredith believes her for this short moment and that it is indeed okay, even when she is far from being okay. It’s okay not to be okay.

She cries quietly, not the way she sobbed last night on the bathroom floor. The tears are silent and drop on the skin of Addison’s neck and collarbone. She can’t tell how they end up on the couch in the living room, but one minute they are just sitting there, Meredith with her legs curled up close and Addison’s one hand holding Meredith’s and the other in her hair, gently brushing through them.

“I hate this,” Meredith says, voice cracking. “I hate I feel like I’m going to fall apart any moment now.”

“I believe you,” Addison knows the feeling too well.

Those words echo in her head when she remembers her teenage years, her parents and their cheating and trying to be the hero to keep her family together. She remembers the years when Derek stopped caring, and the weeks she spent in Mark’s arms where she never really belonged and she remembers coming to Seattle and seeing her husband by the blonde intern’s side.

So, Meredith doesn’t have to explain herself. Addison just knows, how to feel when you want to give up. And despite, she has never crossed the line Meredith did, she has never actually tried to take her life away, she knows that life can make you feel like all you crave and need to do is disappear.

“And I am sorry,” Meredith whimpers. “For falling asleep during our conversation.”

That makes Addison laugh. She chuckles and cannot help but smile.

Meredith pulls away with curious eyes at the reaction; her body still shakes a bit but she almost mirrors the smile Addison has on her face.

“You shouldn’t be apologizing for that,” Addison brushes back the blonde strand of hair that’s sticking to Meredith’s face. “You were tired and you needed your rest. Don’t ever apologize for something like that, I was quite glad you finally were able to sleep. I knew how hard it was for you to do it in the hospital.”

“Oh, okay,” Meredith chuckles, too. “I just wanted to clear that out.”

“Are you okay now?”

“Better than before at least.”

What completely ruins Meredith - is the fact that for Addison it’s enough. Montgomery nods and smiles encouragingly when she hears that; she has learned quickly ever since this unexpected friendship has begun, that for Addison everything Meredith does is enough. Even when she is crying, or having an attack of shivers, even when she is far from perfect. Addison every goddamn time comes through and just tries to be there for her.

Meredith is already glad to have her intern friends who show up and who are around her, but this companion of Addison is a surprise she wants to keep, too.

“So, are you good now to eat some delicious food?”

---

Twenty minutes later, Meredith is back downstairs, this time changed from her pyjamas into a pair of jeans and a beige button-up with cuffed sleeves, hair still wet after a shower. Her steps resound in the house and make Addison look up from her phone which is laying on the kitchen island.

The peppers are in the oven, stuffed with rice, mozzarella and onions, needing five more minutes until they are ready and Addison takes a look through the glass to make sure nothing is burning up. While Meredith was upstairs, she might have sneaked around the place a bit, only the living and dining room, quite frankly.

The place wasn’t as neat as her own hotel room was but given three - no, two, from how she heard - interns been living, she didn’t expect it to be shiny and neat. But it has this spirit of people still trying to find out really how to juggle their careers and their private lives - and Addison knows from experience that those two, if your family and friends are doctors as well, mixing them might end up explosively, leaving burn marks everywhere.

She does miss having a house; a place to call home which isn’t a luxury suite. A place to have your people in, a family not exactly by blood, but a found one.

To think Meredith has one of her friends here, still living with her, gives her some piece of mind. She knows Stevens is far from stupid and has a heart, perhaps even too big for her own good, but Izzie will know when something is wrong. She will watch out for Meredith when the rest of her friends can’t.

“What are you thinking so hard about, Doctor Montgomery?”

Meredith’s raspy voice brings her out of the depth of her head.

It’s good to see her with less weight on her shoulders, Addison notices. They are back to teasing and safe atmosphere, far from breakdowns, at least for now.

“My young days…” Addison says, sighing theatrically. “So long time ago.”

“Sometimes I forget you are so old you have one foot in the grave,” Meredith smirks.

“That was uncalled for!”

“Well, do you want to share anything about those dramatic young days?”

Just when Addison wants to answer, the oven begins to beep and she turns back, taking thick red gloves to take the baking tray with hot peppers. She shuts the oven with a gentle kick and smiles when she sees Meredith sitting up straighter, gulping when the beautiful smell reaches her nostrils.

She puts two peppers on each plate and takes the cutlery for them, then passes Meredith by, whose face falls miserably.

“I’ll tell you my dramatic young days if we eat by the table like decent women,” She says.

In reality, she can’t remember the last time she has eaten like this. Usually, she is too tired to go to the restaurant on the ground floor of Archfield, so she orders room service and eats on her king-sized bed while the TV is playing in the background.

“Okay,” Meredith follows her through the house and feels so weird because Addison is here for the first time, yet she moves so naturally like it’s a habit of hers to come by every couple of days.

They sit across each other and begin to eat, meanwhile, Addison comes up with stories from Columbia University College, some of them involving Derek and Mark - which, she wonders if it’s weird - but Meredith doesn’t let it be seen if she feels odd about hearing jokes that her current boyfriend had with his ex-wife, back then a girlfriend. She also tells about Naomi and the memories make her heart hurt a bit, missing her best friend. She hasn’t heard from her for almost a year now. She wonders how she and Sam are; if perhaps she should pay them a visit and see her goddaughter, too.

“So, basically, Mark Sloan has always been like this?”

The question makes Addison burst out laughing and all she can do is nod. Mark is who he is, but she cannot lie and say she doesn’t love him. They have spent half of their lives together, along with Derek.

“It might sound weird but he can be a great friend,” She adds and earns a curious look from the intern.

When they’re done, she insists on doing the dishes and ignores Meredith’s reassurances she doesn’t have to. Their meeting is slowly coming to an end and Addison feels anxiety, knowing she can’t leave before she is sure Meredith won’t hurt herself.

“Let’s make a deal,” She finds herself saying, unable to stop while she dries off the plates.

“A deal,” Meredith repeats, standing by her left side, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Yes,” Addison and looks at her. “And please, don’t cut me off before I’m done explaining because I am really not trying to annoy you.”

“Okay…”

Meredith begins to tap out a rhythm with her nails on the surface like she is trying to calm herself down and knows what’s coming.

“All of your friends are worried. Your boyfriend is worried. Your bosses are worried. I am worried. So, we have to make a deal. Each time you feel yourself slipping away, getting worse, you call me. No matter what day or what hour it is, just call me.”

“This is stupid,” Meredith pushes herself off the counter and begins to walk away to the living room.

Addison is not one to grab her and make her do anything, the way Derek always does, so she just follows right after, quick enough to catch up to her, “It is not.”

Meredith stops and her voice grows louder and angrier, “Did Derek share with you that stupid theory of his? Because this is- this is ridiculous. I won’t- It was an accident!”

They stare each other in the eyes and both of them are aware it’s bullshit. Addison doesn’t step closer, doesn’t break the personal space just tries to have as much patience as possible - she knows one wrong word will send Meredith spinning. She’s seen it an hour before and she is not here to hurt or break her down even more.

“Meredith,” She says quietly.

“It was a fucking accident!”

The silence is deafening.

Addison exhales and nods, “Okay. I am not pushing you. But I am asking, let me give you my number and call me when it gets worse. That’s all I want. Please.”

Of course, being gentle is the thing that breaks through that wall of fury and trauma. Being rough never works, fighting fire with fire never turns out to be the way. So, with the gentle way of water, Addison manages to put the fire out.

“Alright, fine,” Meredith gives up and breaks their eye contact. “Let me get my phone.”

Only when Addison’s number is saved on the device, she knows she can leave. Meredith walks her to the door and they part. All Addison can think about now is finally sleeping off the exhaustion that seems to be settled inside her bones.

---

She doesn’t set an alarm and decides to let her body take as much as it needs.

This way, the evening greets her with darkness and shadows creeping all over her room. The process of waking up results in a slight pounding in her head and grogginess; she stares at the ceiling for good twenty minutes, trying to comprehend anything.

The thing that makes her wake up is the grumbling in her stomach.

She rolls over from her back to her side and checks the hour on the phone laying on the pillow. It’s still early enough to go downstairs for a dinner. After putting on fresh clothes, not wrinkled through the sleep, she is hit with a memory of visiting Meredith and thinking that she has this family around her and something inside of Addison craves the same thing.

So, it might be a completely idiotic decision, but when she steps outside and locks her suite, she heads down the hall to Mark. She has no idea if he is back from Seattle Grace, but she wants company, even if it means Mark Sloan making bad jokes and trying to break their sixty days promise.

She knocks and is startled by how quickly the door opens - well, rather swings.

But Mark is decent and no woman is in his bed.

“Addie?”

“I wanted to ask you if you would like to eat dinner with me?” She asks and instantly adds. “Not a date. But friends eating dinner. What do you think?”

“I was just leaving for Emerald City but I think this is a much better idea,” He smiles cheekily. “Wait for me.”

He collects his wallet and phone before locking up the door and heading with Addison to the elevator. All she can hope for is for this elevator not to have the same sexual energy that damn hospital one does and it takes a lot of self-preservation when his shoulder brushes against hers and he chuckles with that deep voice of his.

She thanks the heavens when they reach the ground floor. Passing the front desk, they head to the restaurant just when Callie enters the hotel.

“Are you people going to eat something good?” She instantly approaches them and asks without any greetings.

“We’re just heading for dinner,” Addison smiles brightly at her. “The more the merrier.”

“Oh, merrier indeed,” Mark smirks and laughs.

Both of the women look at him judgingly and say “no” at the same time, which results in group laughter.

They order after taking the table that’s the closest to the windows and throughout the small talk and random topics of the conversation, Addison watches the cars passing by and she feels… She feels like she could find back her way to her old self. That she might manage to open up to people again and have her friends back, and while it won’t be the same ever again, sitting here with Callie who turned out to be one of the surest things in Seattle Grace for Addison, and Mark who still manages to treat her with humanity after all they’ve been through, makes her full of hope.

At the end of their shared night, she even manages to say her fears about Meredith. Nothing too deep and too exposing, but she talks about her feelings. About her worry and her curiosity and they listen.

“Well, Derek was snapping at everyone today,” Mark says, sipping on the wine Addison ordered. “Apparently, she kicked him out yesterday, so you’re not the only one confused about the situation.”

“She kicked him out?”

“Yeah,” He shrugs. “Wanted to stay with her girlfriends.”

“Maybe that’s what she needs,” Callie cuts in. “God knows men are tiring.”

“Not the marriage of your dreams?” Addison asks, remembering Callie from before who was much more excited about the prospect of having George as her husband.

“Why do you think I’m sitting here with you with my phone’s volume turned off?”

“Well, I’m a man and I’m not tiring either of you,” Mark grins.

“Shut up,” Addison tells him but there is no way to stop smiling silly at him.

Yeah.

Maybe she can build her life here back again.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
link to my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=fb7089ea105a48ee

Chapter 5: tryin' to figure out this life

Notes:

hi everyone!!
just like always, a big big thank you for all the feedback, all the sweet comments. i literally live for them.
i had my last exam for this semester earlier this morning so now i have so much more time to work on this story😁😁
this chapter includes sexlling, running away from derek and a homoerotic scene in a changing room;)
hope you enjoy:)))

The first call comes on Thursday night.

Addison doesn’t pick up at first, busy arguing with Karev about Jane Doe. There is just this tension between them and she cannot pinpoint what’s actually happening - she just feels that they are inch by inch closer with every word shot at the other one, and soon her eyes begin to close when the warmth of his mouth can be felt against her lips.

Their noses almost touch, but then a nurse walks into the room and they jump apart like a scalded cat, awkward glances and mumbled apologies before Addison rushes outside, into the corridor. Her heels echo on the white tiles when she tries to put distance from whatever started to grow between her and a fucking intern. She might as well go back to calling herself Shepherd because apparently, she is as same as Derek.

Something about Alex Karev just reminds her of Mark. She does not know what exactly; perhaps the half-curved smirks and the look inside her eyes when she is close. The whole assholery of his behaviour, how sure he is of himself - it’s like Mark from college all over again - and she knows how fucked up it is, on so many levels.

She has an agreement with Sloan and the days are slowly passing and with each one, she feels more anxious. That he might actually make it to 60 days and they will be back together. Something inside of her doesn’t want it anymore, and she doesn’t want Karev either, but the chemistry between them is just pulling her in.

But all the men problems are forgotten when she finally pulls the vibrating phone from her pocket and sees an unknown number. Even before answering, she somehow knows who is calling at such a late hour.

“Hello?”

“Hi,” A hoarse voice speaks up on the other side. “It’s me, Meredith.”

Of course, it’s Meredith.

Addison cannot fight the soft smile that creeps on her lips. She collects herself when she comes to an understanding that Meredith promised to call when it’s bad. There is nothing to smile about, but hearing her…

She forgets that Alex ever existed.

“Oh, hi,” Addison looks around and her eyes land on the closest door to some storage room and that’s where she heads. Seattle Grace is overflowing with all gossipmongers and the last thing she wants is to have this conversation quoted later.

“Do you have time now?” Meredith is clearly hesitating, her voice unsure.

“I do,” Addison says when the door closes behind her. “What’s going on?”

“You told me to call you… When it gets worse. Bad. Well, it’s pretty bad right now.”

She sounds like she has barely woken up, but all the same, there is that breathiness in her voice, like her chest is heaving. And Addison has that terrible thought that what if... what if she went to the bathroom and went under water again and broke through the surface in the last moment before her lungs would burst. What if she has to throw all her work right now and drive in the middle of the night to Meredith?

Stop.

Stop panicking.

You’re here to help. You’re here to listen. No one is dying again.

“Okay…” She manages to collect herself, to not worsen Meredith’s state with her own anxieties. “Can you tell me a bit more?”

Meredith clears her throat and Addison can hear the shuffling of bedsheets, and creaking of a mattress, “I fell asleep and had… Jesus, it does sound stupid but I had nightmares of what happened and when I woke up, I couldn’t breathe. Just like… In the bay. And-” Her breath hitches and her voice cracks. “I can’t be underwater again, I can’t- I can’t do it again, I can’t die again, I can’t-”

“Hey!” Addison speaks too loudly and instantly shushes herself. “Hey. Listen to me. You can breathe. When I count to five, inhale, okay? Then wait until I count to eight and hold air in, and when I count to seven let it all out, okay? Can you do that for me, Meredith?”

There is no answer, so she begins to count slowly. She hears her breath in and complete silence just to finish when she counts for the third time with a loud exhale. Repeating the counting for another three minutes, Addison just crouches by the wall, her back against the surface and thinks about Meredith all alone in her bedroom, in darkness.

“Turn on the light,” She tells her, then comes back to the numbers.

She doesn’t know how long it takes until Meredith talks again but she isn’t getting paged and can spend this time hiding from Karev, as well. Despite the distance, she feels like Meredith could be as well besides her.

“It works,” Meredith speaks up finally, the tension in her voice is mostly gone. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad you’re better now,” Addison says and smiles to herself; she wonders if that can’t be heard in her tone. “Is Stevens home?”

Meredith doesn’t answer at first. Instead of that, Addison can hear the bed creaking again and the door opening - soft footsteps resound in her device as she must skip down the stairs. She decides to wait for a moment more and patience pays off.

“Yeah, I think she is already in her room,” Meredith says, skipping back up the stairs. “Her shoes are by the door.”

“Go to her room, then and ask if you can sleep with her. Don’t stay alone, OK?”

“But she must be tired after her shift and… I don’t know, Addison.”

“Meredith. Listen to me and stop being a stubborn ass and go sleep with Stevens because she is your friend and she will keep you warm and safe,” She barely finishes the sentence when Meredith giggles at the ‘stubborn ass’ part; if she can laugh then she can heal and that’s the rule Addison has decided days earlier to hold onto.

“Okay, boss,” Meredith gives up. “I will go to Izzie.”

“Good girl.”

Meredith sounds like she is choking on something.

It makes Addison laugh when the blonde begins to say her goodbyes quickly, stumbling over her own words.

“Goodnight, Meredith,” She tells her and lets her phone ping a couple of times after the call is ended.

It’s a shame she cannot see Meredith’s face now. Because Meredith is staring at the screen of her phone, standing in the middle of the corridor with two big red circles on her cheeks, getting darker with each passing second. She just stares and stares until notices that Izzie has opened the door to her bedroom.

“You’re coming or what?” She asks and only then notices the ruined state of Meredith. “Who the hell are you sexting?”

Meredith groans and passes her by without a word, falling onto the bed.

“Roll over, it’s my side.”

She rolls over, groaning again but the dark clouds over her head seemed to have grown smaller. She doesn’t stir awake for the whole night until Izzie’s goddamn alarm clock rings way too early.

---

“How do you call sexting but when it’s a phone call?”

The interns are gathered by the lockers, changing before the rounds when Izzie cannot keep it inside for any much longer. In the morning, she stared at Meredith for fifteen minutes, waiting for the woman to finally break and spill her secrets. However, it surely wasn’t in Grey’s plans because she only moved to the other side and began snoring.

And Izzie had many conspiracy theories.

It started with the thought it had to be Derek - right? It should be Derek because as far as she knows, they are still together and Meredith after living the dirty-mistress era would be the dumbest to now cheat. So, no.

But she wasn’t talking to Derek - she stopped picking up the phone and told Izzie that if he asked about anything to just try to get out of the conversation. So, they weren’t magically talking again. At least, that’s what she thought.

There is a way to just stay in denial and believe that whatever shameful conversation Meredith was having in the middle of the corridor was with Derek.

Except for the fact that Izzie heard female laughter on the other side of the line.

“Sex-calling… Sexlling?” She thinks out loud.

“Who are you sexlling?” Cristina says half-mindedly, pulling the scrub top over her head, on top of a long-sleeved white shirt.

“Not me,” Izzie explains and looks at her friends who don’t pay attention to her at all. “Meredith was sexlling some woman last night.”

Now that catches their attention. All three of the interns turn around to stare at Izzie, who smiles widely, feeling satisfaction to be finally listened to. Honestly, she doesn’t know what more to say, besides the fact that she found her in a state of great distress, flustered and all pink.

“Maybe she has a found McDreamy female version,” Alex says.

And none of those four fools realises how close those words are to reality. But the thought itself is so ridiculous that it passes each one of them by, far away from their minds. Instead, they glare at each other, wondering who should speak and if they should speak without Meredith’s presence here. In normal times, no one would even bother wondering if it’s appropriate to talk shit - they have been doing it since day one, even when there were walls between them - but after what she went through, it does leave them hanging.

“Well, she should take from life as much as she can now,” George says quietly, trying to put it lightly.

Izzie’s eyebrows furrow, making a little crease between them, “We’re not going to talk about it?”

“No,” Cristina says and shuts the door to her lockers, ending the conversation.

All three of them walk out as Izzie stands helpless next to the bench.

“Oh. Okay. Bye. Thank you for listening.”

---

It still hasn’t rained since the day Meredith left the hospital.

She finds herself locking the front door and marching down the sidewalk a couple of hours after Izzie left for work and let her sleep in her bedroom. She’s done everything she could do in the house and decides that Friday noon is the right time to face the real world - she thought about going jogging but it does not feel the same without Cristina and her lungs still have problems with working properly when she skips up the stairs too fast or gets too mad.

So, a stroll around the neighbourhood it is.

Meredith has that weird sense that time has stopped the moment her heart gave out and now, everything is slowed down. Unrealistic. Like she is living in a simulation her brain created just to comfort the thought she is dead and lost everything around her.

But it’s stupid.

The world is real. She knows because she remembers the warmth of a body next to hers in bed too well for it to be faux. She remembers Addison’s silky voice and her gentle touch. Derek’s kisses and the roughness of his stubble. Cristina holding her face and wiping the tears away.

That’s her way to keep herself sane: counting out every sensation that left her feeling alive. Torn apart, yet feeling the life in each of her blue veins.

So, as she heads towards the busier parts of the city, she recounts them in her head, passing people by and looking around. Acting like it’s the first time she’s seeing the world with her new eyes. And her phone is always in the back pocket of her jeans, ready if she needs to call the number that’s saved under one single A.

The thought of Addison carries her through the streets to the closest bookshop.

She has just finished A Winter Haunting and found herself in a need of new reading, this time something less spooky, less psychological. In the end, she chooses a romance this time - the first book in the Bridgerton series, ‘The Duke and I’ - recommended by one of the employees. She breathes in the smell of the pages, leafing through them and says goodbye before stepping outside.

It’s hard to tell how that happens and how long Meredith’s walk is taking but of course, every single way would lead her to Seattle Grace. She lasted barely a week without seeing the building and here she is, standing terrified the way Izzie stood just a couple of months ago and hesitating.

Only a building, it is supposed to be.

Now, it feels like so much more.

She wakes up from the trance when she sees Derek walking out of the hospital, heading straight towards her. But he hasn’t noticed her yet, eyes stuck on his phone and soon enough, she feels her own device vibrating against her ass. She keeps a squeal in her throat and rushes towards the parking lot, right the other away than he appears to be walking.

He must be going to Emerald City, no matter how early, so she makes a run and hides between two vehicles. She is leaning down, peaking from behind the car until she hears a window rolling down behind her.

Freezing, her eyes widen and she grabs her purse in nerves, scared to turn around and face whoever just witnessed the very depth of the craziness iceberg.

Taking a deep breath, she slowly turns back…

… To be met with the familiar gleam of green eyes and a curious smirk on lips painted in a deep maroon colour.

“Grey.”

“Doctor Montgomery.”

She stares at Addison who has pushed up onto her head a pair of Lugano Diamonds sunglasses and watches her with interest.

“May I ask what the hell are you doing here?” Addison asks and her eyes look past Meredith. “And does that have anything to do with my ex-husband nervously looking through the parking lot?”

That makes Meredith screech and she circles around the Porsche without a question, she gets into the passenger’s seat, eyes still big and round. She slides down the car seat, hiding and covering her face.

“Can you please take me wherever you’re going?” She mumbles out. “Just out of here. Please. Please. Please.”

Addison turns the keys in the ignition, full-on laughing at Meredith. She drives out of the parking lot and puts a CD into the player, rolling all of the windows down to catch the surprisingly warm wind. She pushes the buttons until the fourth song plays out, Meredith recognizing Avril Lavigne’s voice.

Only when they are far into the centre of Seattle, Meredith dares to sit back up and fasten her seatbelt. She doesn’t know where to start and when Addison steals a glance at her, she bursts out laughing again.

“Well, that was an interesting situation…”

Meredith groans.

“I don’t want to be nibshit,” She says, taking a turn to the part of town Meredith barely visits - filled with fancy stores with clothes she cannot afford with her intern pay but could use the money her mother has left to pick out something - but shopping is the last thing on her mind. “However, I have just become your knight in a shining Porshe and saved you from the dragon Derek can sometimes become. I think I do deserve an explanation.”

“Can’t we eat something first?”

Of course, she is looking for the dumbest of reasonings.

But, she also knows Addison can be soft and melt if only pushes the right button with a deliberate question. They stop in front of the first Sushi place they find and Meredith tries not to grin too widely at her victory.

---

Having lunch with Addison Montgomery was definitely not on her list for today.

Then, joining her in shopping at all of the fancy stores with designer clothes and shining jewellery, is another crazy thing Meredith has not anticipated when she found the courage to leave her house and see the outside world is still standing. But there she is, walking behind the attending like a puppy and rating every piece of clothing she picks out.

The bags from Louis Vuitton and Chanel are left in the car while they are entering some local deluxe store with dresses that look straight out of Addison’s wardrobe. They talk about idle things, staying away from anything too heavy; that is until Addison finally finds a black dress, modest enough to be worn at work but so tight it must fit like a second skin.

“Can I know now why are you avoiding Derek?” She asks when she steps into the changing room and pulls the curtain.

Meredith catches the red material and pulls it to the wall to make sure she is covered without anyone able to peek through it.

She doesn’t know where this instinct came from, just to keep Addison safe from unwanted stares.

“I- It’s complicated?” Meredith sighs, glad she doesn’t have to face Addison through this talk. “It’s just… I treated him really poorly the last time he visited and I couldn’t have. He is the one who found me and I should be thankful and definitely not this shell of a terrible girlfriend.”

“Conversation’s sometimes the key.”

Meredith only hums at that, feeling the anxiety caving in.

The conversation is surely not the key this time; because once they face each other and have to talk through whatever sent Meredith off into a panic attack, she has to tell the truth.

No matter all the lessons learned and bridges burned, that should lead to a conclusion that ugly truth is always better than beautiful lies, she knows not this time. Once she speaks, tells her biggest secret to someone else besides her dead mother, it’s all over. The pretence, the learned-by-heart script, the life she’s built around white lies that soon turned into something much more serious.

In silence, she falls into her thoughts until Addison speaks up once again.

“Could you help me zip up the dress?”

“Sure.”

Meredith pulls the curtain aside and steps into the small space, making sure she puts it back covering both of them. Her eyes fall on the smooth skin on her back, light, almost milky with three moles marking the body. She lingers for way too long, her lungs suddenly empty and cheeks burning in emotion. It’s hard to tell when her fingers brushed against the skin but she cannot stop herself, physically unable to halt.

She can’t see Addison’s emerald eyes watching her carefully through the mirror, trying to read anything on her poker face. There are shivers covering her arms when Meredith’s tender touch grazes her.

But Meredith manages to collect herself back into using her brain and she reaches down to the zipper, then slowly pulls it up until it reaches her upper back.

Just like she thought, the dress looks perfect on Addison’s beautiful body.

Even without her heels on, she is taller than her by almost ten centimetres, and all she wants to do is swoon over her long legs and the curve of her hips. There is a little demon in her wanting to place her hands on the cut in her waist and just feel it beneath her fingers.

“What do you think?” Addison asks when their eyes meet in the reflection.

Meredith steps back, pushing the curtain open, “Turn around.”

Addison does as she is told and Meredith’s lips part when she tries to find her words but cannot.

How in the world this woman is real?

She’s always been jealous of her, ever since the first day she walked in and ruined the best facade she’s ever built; the castle of her relationship with Derek crumbled down and she was… so mad. Furious. Heartbroken. So, she found herself jealous of the legs for days, fabulous, even more, when it turned out she was annoyingly kind and painfully smart.

But now, there is not an ounce of jealousy inside of her because they have become friends, right?

They are friends, no matter how weird it sounds - the ex-wife and the ex-mistress turned girlfriend. But in the darkest of moments, Addison has come through and here they are, a couple of weeks building their friendship.

Meredith can’t remember the last time she went shopping with someone and the simplicity of it makes her go soft.

“And…?” Addison steps from one leg to the other, nervously glancing at Meredith, the stretching-out silence making her anxious. “How do I look?”

“You look perfect,” Meredith smiles at her widely. “It lays just right. You should buy it.”

“You think so?”

Addison turns back to the mirror and observes herself carefully, every inch if it really is perfect.

“I do,” Meredith nods and smiles again to reassure her. “Buy it, you look amazing.”

“Okay. I trust you.”

This time she doesn’t even have to ask because Meredith steps into her personal space and pulls the zipper down. Despite, she has just seen her back, the sight of the skin makes her lungs heavier once again and it’s hard to pull away from her orbit; it’s like once Meredith’s planet found herself there, it’s cosmically impossible to step back.

But she does. She has to.

“I think I will have to hire you for doing up and down this dress,” Addison chuckles as she undresses behind the curtain.

“And I might say yes if you pay me well.”

They laugh together and Meredith can’t remember the last time after the accident she laughed so freely and with such ease. Izzie once told her that she should stay with people whose presence feels like sunlight and Meredith understands now.

---

It’s slowly starting to get dark by the time they finish their shopping - well, more like Addison finishes because Meredith doesn’t buy anything and doesn’t let Addison give her any presents. When she is sure of something, there is no chance in hell for Meredith to change her mind, so somewhere midway Addison gave up.

Now, she parks in Meredith’s neighbourhood and turns off the engine.

“Thank you for today,” She says and smiles warmly. “It sure was nice to have someone around.”

“Thank you for saving me,” Meredith chuckles. “I think we should do that more often.”

“You watch me ruin myself financially?”

“Exactly.”

“I will do that with good grace.”

They look at each other just when the sun almost disappears behind the horizon. The way Addison’s eyes gleam in the darkness makes Meredith see her own reflection in them, yet she has to go.

“I’ll see you soon,” She opens the door. “Bye, Addie-Addison.”

“Bye, Meredith,” Addison turns on the engine when she gets out. “And you can call me Addie.”

With that, Meredith nods and waves at her. She stays by the street until the car takes a turn left and disappears from her eyesight. She realises her purse is much heavier than it was and she intends to investigate it as she walks towards the empty house, but her eyes notice something that makes her completely forget it.

There is a silhouette sitting on a bench by the entrance and she slows down, alarmed and unable to see in the shadows.

But when they get up and the lamp in front of the door lights up from movement, she sees Derek standing and waiting for her.

And all she can do is walk towards him, feeling the impending doom oncoming.

Notes:

i'm eternally thankful for every comment and kudos<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 6: the truth hurts but secrets kill

Notes:

hi everyone!
i'm back with another chapter. this one, i must say, is quite... tough. a lot of honesty from meredith and final acknowledgement of what has been coming from the very beginning.
it was quite emotional for me to write it, i hope those emotions come through the chapter and you will feel it, too.
thank you once again for all the kudos and amazing comments. each one of them makes me utterly happy;)
enjoy this one, guys

“Derek,” His name feels weird on her tongue. “What are you doing here?”

Meredith fiddles with the keys she pulled out of the purse and watches his face, so familiar yet distant right now; far away because of the ocean she put between them. She hoped that would be enough to save them, keep him at a shoulder’s length, close enough to convince him she is in this relationship, both heart and mind, but far away enough to not feel how uncomfortable his touch got.

But now, seeing him wait for her on the porch, a moment ago bathed in darkness and shadows, it breaks her heart a little. They’ve had a rocky road but in the end, it’s Derek. The man she believed would change her and become her infinity, her forever and more, a goddamn happy ending - she used to believe she deserved it but things have changed.

It’s hard to believe she deserves anything good now, but he does. He does.

“I have come to see you,” He tells her and leans in, pressing a kiss on her temple when she stops by his side.

Warm and soft, just what she needs. But he cannot give her that, everything she wants, no matter how much he gives up for her.

For Christ’s sake, she wants this man to be her one and only. She wants to build a family with him. Inside, she breaks piece by piece until all of her pain is shattered on the floor; outside, she reaches for the door and turns the keys.

“Why?”

It’s a quiet question that she breathes out, not looking at him.

“Because you’re my girlfriend and you cannot escape me forever,” Derek says. “We have to talk eventually.”

She supposes that eventually became tonight.

When she steps inside and turns around, there is hope and worry written all over his face. He sometimes can be so vague and mysterious, with no emotion on his handsome face, but not this time. This time, his heart is on his sleeve like that could change anything, like seeing him like this would change her mind in matters that you aren’t able to change.

“Alright,” Meredith nods and makes a room for him to enter. “Come inside.”

They head to the living room and when he flips the switch to light up, it kicks her guts to see him able to walk around this house in darkness as if he lives here, too. She doesn’t want to lose this, but she will if the conversation will go south.

She stops in front of the couch and looks at him, “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”

“You. Us. Everything.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You’re joking right now.”

Well, perhaps playing an idiot is not the way.

“I am not,” Meredith tries to control her body, to hide her shaking hands and uneven breathing. But she can see a million ways this talk can go and all of them are dark and leaving scars and wounds that she doesn’t know how to stitch together.

But Derek is Derek, after all. He exhales loudly and shuts his eyes for a moment before opening them, the stirring of fury beginning to grow inside.

“Perhaps about the night you completely lost it and kicked me out?” At least his voice isn’t growing louder yet. “Or maybe the fact that you tried- no, - that you did kill yourself for a moment? That you weren’t here?!”

It has been a long time coming, Meredith knows. It’s been coming since the moment she woke up on the hospital bed after being on the other side.

“Derek, I didn’t-”

“You know how to swim!” He yells out and the silence afterwards is ringing in their ears.

The anger she can handle. But not the way his eyes become teary and wet, how his bottom lip trembles and he brushes through his hair, shaking his head. He crumbles right in front of her and it’s her fault; she let Ellis Grey mess with her head enough to hurt everyone she loves and now, the hardship of consequences hit her.

“You know how to swim, Meredith,” He says, almost sobbing. “You know how to swim. And then… before work, in the bathtub. You have tried, and then you let the water swallow you again and if- If that little girl didn't find me, you would be dead and I wouldn’t know where you are. Why?”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” She says, feeling her own eyes get wet. Taking a step closer, she wants to reach out. But she doesn’t.

“Why?”

“I don’t know!”

When Derek looks at her, those inflating eyes almost buy her.

“Admit it,” He finds the strength to collect himself when she doesn’t mellow. “You did it deliberately. It was a suicide attempt because… You’re making me go crazy. Every minute of every day I worry I’m going to get a call they found your body. That you…”

“Derek,” Meredith murmurs

“What did she tell you? What did your mother tell you?”

Now, it’s her turn to break. She lets out a breathy sob and feels tears spring from her eyes when she sees Ellis’ face in her mind, hears her repeating the words that literally killed her. She looks at Derek, crying and gasps when he crosses the distance between them and embraces her. He holds her like she hasn’t ruined anything, like she is still worth the life her friends and family fought for her, like they’re going to be okay.

That makes her cry harder when she knows after tonight everything will change. Because the moment Derek holds her and shushes her to calm down, she knows that she will tell him. Somehow, but he deserves it, to know the truth and not to be led in the dark like a fool.

“I- I can’t,” Meredith sniffs and wets his shirt.

“You can tell me anything,” He says softly.

His hand is in her hair, brushing through them as she calms down in his arms.

“You don’t understand,” Her voice is muffled by the fabric. “I can’t. Because once I do, we are over.”

Derek shifts away from her, not pushing her but wanting to see her face. There is confusion and something resembling anxiety. He wipes her tears away and she leads him to the couch, gently tapping him to sit down while she stands.

Unable to stop, she begins to pace.

His careful gaze follows her every step as he asks, “We are over?”

“It’s your choice. Do you want to hear the truth?”

There is no choice at all. Obviously, by now, she is only trying to find a way to somehow put the guilt on both of them, to make it easy on herself. Call her selfish. Call her callous. She’s already heard all the worst things about herself and been to hell and back.

“I do,” Derek’s look stops her for a moment and ground her to the floor. “Whatever it is, we can survive this.”

He doesn’t understand.

Meredith feels like she is losing oxygen, how her lungs decay and she remembers the first time.

She was sixteen and madly in love with her best friend. She’s never adored somebody like this and she wanted to tell Ellis, felt like that was the right thing to do, that she doesn’t want to live in lies. She had been hurt by her own mother many times, but this was the day that the last surviving element of her got broken; she had known abuse but never physical, until that day. That was the only time her mother hit her.

Ten years again, just a couple of weeks ago, she tried to speak to her again. And got rejected again, hurt with words that shoot like bullets.

The third time’s the charm, right?

“My mother, she…” Meredith’s eyes escape towards the kitchen where her ashes are hidden. “She disowned me. She said she regretted giving birth to me and that all I am is a disappointment, that I was born sick. She told me I don’t deserve anything good, never did.”

Derek’s eyes turn bigger and bigger with each word. He could tell her it’s a lie, he could tell her Ellis was a fucked up person and even a worse mother, but instead, he senses what she hides.

“It’s not everything, is it?”

“No.”

She sits down next to him but stands up instantly. Her skin crawls and she feels shivers down her spine; all there is in her head are echoes of past and memories she would rather throw down the drain.

“Meredith,” He tries again. “Could you tell me why did she say all of this?”

Breathe in. Breath out. Open your eyes.

“Because I came out to her.”

The sensation almost makes her falter and stagger. Her head spins and her vision blurs, her own heartbeat chimes in her ears and everything becomes red; she can’t see his face, no matter how much she tries. She feels like she will throw up any second now.

“What?”

She blinks several times just to see his face again.

“Because I told her I’m a…”

“You’re a what?”

He is pulling her tongue just for the words to fall around them, each vowel becoming tainted with acrimony. Or is it all in her head? Is he angry? Does he hate? Will he hurt her?

He won’t. He’s Derek.

But there were many people in her life who were supposed to give her unconditional love but turned out to be her biggest enemies.

“Wait,” She raises her hand, stopping her and grabbing her stomach with the other one; she feels so sick she might just throw up all over the carpet. “Give me a moment.”

When he stands up, Meredith takes panicked steps back until her back hits the wall.

“Meredith, you came out as what?” His voice is just the tiniest bit calmer when he sees her distress. When she doesn’t answer, Derek sits down on the couch again, giving her the space she needs. It takes a lot from him not to approach her and shake her until her words make sense, but the very idea it could send her off to try to drown again stops him.

“Give me a moment,” She grits between her teeth.

“Meredith.”

Somehow her fear becomes anger. She stands taller now and straightens her back, pointing her finger at him with accusation, “You’re the second person I’ve ever told in my life! You’re the only person alive who’s gonna know!”

That’s all it takes. Derek stands up, too proud to be yelled at by a woman so much tinier than him.

She doesn’t back down, she doesn’t hide when she screams out, “That I’m a lesbian!”

Now, that makes Shepherd freeze.

“Oh my God,” He stutters out. “What do you mean a lesbian?”

Her heart is beating out of her chest when Meredith tries to keep her courage, “I love women the way I’m supposed to love men.”

“And I tried,” She continues when he doesn’t say a word - all he keeps doing is looking at her like she is some sort of stranger. “I really tried and all of this doesn’t mean I’ve never loved you. I do, love you, you’re my… you’ve been with me for a long time and I love you. But I’m not in love with you, despite I tried with all of me - I love your smile and your heart and every good memory we have - but I am not in love. It’s not who I am, I can’t fall in love with you. But if I were able to, it would be you. Believe me, Derek, it would be you.”

“But we…” His shock scares her.

“I thought if I found the right man I would change. I would become normal, I would push myself to make love to you and let you kiss me, you would help me change. That I would be what my mother wanted me to be, so she would finally accept me. But I can’t pretend anymore.”

“So it’s all been a lie?” Derek asks.

“No! No, Derek,” She grabs his big hand, warm in her cold ones. “I love you. But not the way you love me.”

“Fucking hell, all those months… you can’t be that.”

Now, that sends her off the edge and she feels herself tearing up again. She grabs his both hands, needily, like she is scared to let him go, “But I am. I am so sorry. But we can’t be together, it’s neither fair to you nor to me. Not when I am sure who I am.”

She hugs his hands to her chest, trying not to feel how he is slipping away.

“This is so fucked up,” Derek shakes his head and tries to pull away. “On so many levels.”

“Derek, please.”

“No,” He shakes his head and manages to whip his hands off. “I have to go. I can’t stay.”

So there’s unconditional love. She sees it now. What a fool she was to believe in it.

“Derek,” He is already in the corridor, opening the door when she speaks up. “If you ever truly loved me, don’t tell anyone else, please.”

“What?” He turns around, brows furrowed.

“I might have broken us down, but I never wanted to. If I could be a different person, I promise you, I would. Just don’t tell anyone. Please. Nobody else knows.” Meredith practically begs him as he turns back without a word.

He doesn’t look back. He walks away just when the skyline breaks and the torrent falls over Seattle.

Notes:

every feedback will make my entire week<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 7: we're gonna lose our minds tonight

Notes:

hi everyone!!
just like always, i wanted to thank you for all the feedback. each comment makes me just the happiest and gives me so so so much motivation to keep writing<3
in today's chapter get ready for the dirty mistresses reunion, derek being an ass and meredith not being to cope healthily with her coming out😬😬😬

hope you'll enjoy this mess;)

Mark has that weird sense of entertainment watching his colleagues being so lost in thoughts, they fuck up their responsibilities.

He is standing on the bridge in the hospital right by the entrance to the Chief’s office after they just had a talk about proposing Jane Doe plastic surgery. He is supposed to create a couple of projects within the next week and he decides to hang around the third floor, escaping his own duties and dealing with dumb interns. So, he rests his forearms against the barrier and watches people small as ants pass through the hallways and finds himself quite content with simply watching.

The weekend is surprisingly calm for Seattle Grace, yet he doesn’t speak that out loud, well to accustomed with the curse of complaining about peace.

However, Mark should have known that the very thought may work and a little storm will approach him. More precisely, a storm that is brought by two of his best friends - should he still calm them that? He hasn’t the slightest idea.

First, he notices Addison.

She is climbing up the stairs right to the passage where he is standing, some files in her hands as she is deeply in thought.

Then, Mark’s eyes jump to the other end of the bridge where Derek emerges, walking quickly, his eyebrows furrowed together as he passionately is imagining hitting things. Mark knows this face too well to have any hesitation about that.

A wide grin stretches on his lips when he counts with anticipation for the show to play out right in front of him.

One.

Addison has three steps to climb.

Two.

Derek is out on the bridge.

Three.

They bump each other, Addison’s foot kicks Derek and he stabs her in the chest with his elbow and they bounce off each other. He curses angrily while she sends him a death stare but Mark cannot help himself. He bursts out laughing so loudly it must echo throughout the depth of each side of hallways on the two ends of the bridge. Like a little kid, he clasps his hands together, enjoying the view of flustered doctors.

“What’s your problem?” Derek barks at him, ignoring Addison who is holding her chest with a scowl. “What so happy about?” He rushes straight at him and Mark should stop grinning like an idiot.

Moreover, he should step back, show Derek he doesn’t want to fight.

But gods, it has been too boring in this hospital the whole afternoon.

“Derek!” He opens his arms like he is not ten seconds away from having his chin broken and getting a black eye. “Long time no see, my dear friend.”

“I am not your friend,” Derek grits through his teeth and almost reaches him but then something makes him halt. “Fuck you.”

Well, that Mark has not expected.

The words don’t hurt him, not when he knows Derek Shepherd doesn’t get angry like this without a reason - well, most of the time. There is always a reason, far far away from the place he lets out his emotions. So, given how amazing Sloan is as a detective, he senses something must have happened to send Derek off the edge and jump the first person that annoys him; but he is not dumb enough to ask him directly. That could very well end up with Mark being sent off the bridge and landing on the ground floor.

He looks past Shepherd and sees Addison holding the white material of his coat in a tight fist, knuckles whitened from the pressure. She stops him and only when Derek becomes steadier and his hands fall down on both of his sides, she lets him go.

Just to make sure and be safe, she steps between the two of them, ready to set them apart again.

“It’s not a wonderful idea to make a scene right outside of Richard’s office, is it?” She makes a forced smile.

Her eyes jump from Mark to Derek, trying to find out who will use their fists first.

Nothing happens, however, and she decides to play with fate a little.

“Derek, you have to apologize to Mark,” She says, ignoring the fact he should apologize to her, too for hitting her so hard.

If looks could kill, she would be laying right by Sloan’s imaginary body on the ground floor, side by side. But she knows her ex-husband too well, and she is way too old to fear one of his fury gazes; she’s been through it all in the eleven years of their marriage. He is too familiar to fear him and to feel intimidated.

“Fine,” He spits out. “Unfuck you or whatever.”

Well.

Addison shrugs at the face Mark makes.

“I must forgive you,” Mark nods and tries to keep it together when Derek glares at him one last time and turns around, walking away.

They stay silent for a long moment, making sure their voices cannot be heard from the distance and only when Derek’s silhouette disappears, do they burst into laughter together. Addison pats his shoulder, shaking her head in disbelief while he tries not to bend in half from all the amusement. It feels like old times…

Doesn’t it?

“Thank you for saving my ass, Red,” He tells her and wonders if he could press a kiss on her cheek.

She smiles at him and that deep knowledge inside of him he is trying not to remember makes him realise that would ruin the moment. That Addison, she might not be into their deal with her heart as she tries to tell him, but it’s a matter for another day and another hour. Instead, he pulls her into a sideway hug, like they used to greet each other before lectures or at the bar during the uni.

“Always here to make sure no one gets their royal asshole-ness kicked,” Addison flutters her eyelashes funnily and smiles up at him. “How do you think, what happened to him?”

Montgomery looks toward the way Derek left, “Maybe only a bad day.”

“Maybe.”

Mark is way too deep into his role as the detective to believe such a theory.

There is always a deep-rooted reason and he will find out either way - today or tomorrow, later or in a couple of weeks. He shall make it his mission to know, even if it means really getting thrown out off the bridge right by his boss’ office.

But that’s for later. He has matters more urgent - finishing his shift and drinking an appropriate amount of scotch as the ending of his day.

---

The thing is, Mark fucking hates Seattle for its rain and dramas and he voices it the moment he walks into the busy bar. He managed to get to know Joe and Walter by this point, as he tends to visit here often; not as much as in the beginning, but he still is a regular.

Despite the crowds in the parlour, he notices a free sit by the counter, next to a slim blonde.

An amused chuckle leaves his throat when he plops down on the bar stool and recognises the profile of the woman.

“Excuse me, is this dirty mistresses reunion?”

Meredith turns to face him while her hands are playing with the empty glass in front of her. There is a grimace on her lips, which she doesn’t even try to change at the sight of him; her eyes are dull and blank. He knows the sadness that might make you lose every ounce of gleam in your eyes, so he believes they might be good company for each other.

“I guess it really is,” She says, trying to sound amused, but fails miserably. “I’m a callous heartbreaker now, though.”

Mark hums, waiting until Joe finishes serving the long line by the counter on his left side, feeling his throat getting drier and drier. The warm interior of the bar brings some comfort from the rain that has overcome the city, for over a day now - he is not certain why he is feeling blue. Seattle just makes him like this, making him miss the old times. He is supposed to feel glad, staying celibate for Addie, but he knows better than that.

“I’m thinking that’s the reason Derek almost bit my head off and Addison’s almost, too.”

Meredith groans and looks like she will hit her forehead on the surface any second now.

“Let’s not talk about that,” She tells him. “Just be a gentleman and buy me a goddamn drink.”

“What do you want, madame?”

“Tequila.”

“Eh,” He shakes his head, making a disgusted face. It almost makes her smile when she looks at him; he is not sure when did he start to care about Meredith Grey but he feels like it’s sort of a codex to care about his best friend’s girlfriend. Well, ex-best friend and probably ex-girlfriend now - he hasn’t been the best about codex given he slept with Addison, but still, let the man try to fix his senseless mistakes. “Tequila is boring. Scotch on me.”

“Whatever,” Meredith shrugs. “As long as I’m ‘falling off my stool’ kind of drunk, I’ll take anything.”

Of course, it alarms him but he promises himself he will make sure she is safe and sound at the end of the night. Besides Addison would murder him if a hair fell off Meredith’s head, he is becoming a better person, he believes. Plus only a jerk would live a dead-drunk woman in a bar so busy, with so many men looking their way just to steal a glance at Meredith.

They drink together and she is much faster than him. He cannot tell how many drinks she’s had, but after an hour she is looking like she might throw up any second now… or maybe fall asleep? He is terrible at reading her.

She doesn’t notice he takes her bag and steals her phone just to find Yang in her contacts and send her a quick text.

Meredith:
come to the emerald city, Meredith needs someone to take her home

“Tell meeee,” Meredith slurs her words and laughs at herself deprecating. “Why are you staying in Seattle?”

“Are you trying to suggest I should go?” Mark raises an eyebrow at her and takes a sip of scotch.

“No!” She shakes her head energetically. “I like you. Don’t go. So. Why?”

“I have hope.”

That makes her press her lips together and stare at him weirdly. She tilts her head and that looks quite adorable - so he understands Derek. And Addison. Whatever Addison has going on with Grey because he can’t put his finger on it, why does she care so much - but he is way too far into his alcoholic state to wonder about it now.

“For what?”

He didn’t put existential and deep conversations with fucked up Meredith in his calendar but he might as well go on. Dirty mistresses stay together till the end.

“For Addison,” Mark says and instantly turns to face Meredith, curious to see her reaction. And literally, at the very mention of the neonatal surgeon, her eyes light up for the first time throughout the evening. “For Derek. For people I’ve spent a lifetime with, who are my family and I lost them.”

“Do you miss the before?”

“All the damn time.”

She lingers on her next question but the alcohol flowing through her veins makes her bolder, “Are you with Addison?”

“Not yet,” He says.

She nods and hums quietly, then gestures for Joe to pour some more.

A quarter later he hears the door open and he turns to see two of the interns looking around. He waves at them and Stevens is the first to notice him; she pulls Cristina by her elbow and they push their way through the bar until they arrive by their sides.

“I think Meredith had enough to drink,” Mark tells them without any greeting.

It makes Meredith turn around suddenly, almost falling off the stool, proving his point, “No! Oh, hi,” She smiles sheepishly. “Wannaa drink with me?”

“We’re going home, Mer,” Cristina tells her and ignores the pout on her face. “Thanks for…” She says to Mark, not really knowing how to voice her thoughts.

“Anytime,” He nods and grins.

“C’mon, Mer,” Izzie says and collects her bag, peeking in to make sure her phone and wallet are in before throwing it over her shoulder. Both of the women help Meredith jump from the stool and just when they are supposed to head outside, Grey turns around to wave at Mark.

He waves back and watches them leave, Cristina and Izzie on both of her sides, their arms crossed by the elbows to keep her straight. Then, he is left to his own devices to drink until Joe calls him a cab.

---

Meredith drives in the backseat, singing along to the radio while Izzie drives them home arguing with Cristina about something Grey cannot even comprehend in the drunk state she is. Instead, she looks outside the window and rolls it down for the cold night wind to slip between her long hair. She watches the stars that are barely visible in the middle of Seattle, outshined by boring human lights and leans out, head dizzy and mind hazy.

It’s impossible to focus on anything, yet her mind flashes her with unclear memories - dark short curls somehow mix with long red luscious hair and she hums to herself when a certain shade of red lipstick comes to her memory.

For the second time tonight, Meredith manages to form a smile on her lips.

With air wheezing in front of her face and the oxygen storming inside of her throat, almost choking her, she feels alive.

There is something so freeing about late-night car rides; the presence of her trusted friends and quietly played radio makes it better. As long as they are next to her she doesn’t have to worry a bit as they pass other cars by and she might have accidentally yelled out something because people begin to stare at her.

Cristina shushes her but Meredith is long gone, waving at the drivers and screaming her lungs out.

She is screaming for everything she has lost - either died or never wanted her. Pushing someone away is actually surprising, but losing Derek hurts even more than having someone leave her. She has become the same person her mother was, hasn’t she?

Fuck that.

Their ride ends when they drive into the Queen Anne neighbourhood, empty and quiet. The fun ends and the speed that gave her adrenaline rush now turns into a sad calmness, accompanied by the serenest music of cricket’s chirping. They are home. She is home.

Cristina has to help her out a bit to walk straight while Izzie unlocks the door.

“I ain’t going to sleep,” Meredith shakes Cristina’s hand off and takes a sudden turn to the left before they manage to reach the stairs. “I’m not sleepy.”

“I’m not your nanny,” Cristina barks at her but she doesn’t mean it, not really. “You’re way too drunk.”

“I broke up with Derek.”

Izzie halts the same moment Yang does and they stare dumbfounded at their friend, who appears not to have a care in the world. Meredith falls onto the couch and taps the place next to her with an ironic smile.

“Right here,” She chuckles humourlessly. “I broke up with him because I’m a bitch.”

“Oh wow,” Cristina nods, staring at her.

To hear her voice, wakes Izzie up as she squeals, “What?”

Meredith presses her lips into a straight line, shrugging. Only then, she begins to feel a terrible pulsing at her forehead and the last thing her blurry thoughts want is to let it take over her body. So, she does what she finds a good solution - distracting herself.

With unsteady steps, she heads towards the collection of her favourite CDs with music under the TV and points at them, “Let’s not talk about it. Let’s… dance it out.”

She has never loved Cristina and Izzie more when they agree without any arguments. They help her out when her hands are way too shaky to turn the music up and soon, they are jumping around the living room to one of P!nk’s records, screaming out their lungs through the lyrics. It wouldn’t be a big surprise if one of the neighbours would call the police, but nobody dares to ruin this moment for them, thankfully.

It actually sobers Meredith up. One moment, she is still under the influence and the other, the importance of the moment hits her. To be still here, able to dance with freaks she calls her family.

Maybe one day she will come out to them before Derek decides to out her. Maybe one day she will sit down with them and tell them the brutal truth of the very bottom of her fucked-updness iceberg and they will love her just the same. They’re family after all, not the one you have to stick with, but the one you choose to go through all the highs and lows. And even if you don’t really understand some of their choices and beliefs, you are still with them, always when they need you.

For now, Meredith just dances it out.

She laughs and screams and jumps on the goddamn couch just to fall into Izzie’s arms, who almost keels over. Cristina brings out her phone and makes blurry photos of them singing and it’s enough. Tonight is enough.

---

The last thing Meredith does when Cristina crashes in the free bedroom, which George left when he moved out, and Izzie goes to the kitchen to eat something is accidentally kicking the purse she left on the floor last night when Derek officially left.

She picks it up and remembers the weird weight she didn’t check earlier, too deep in her mourning and grief.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, she opens the purse and pulls out a big vial of perfume. Its colour is a gentle pinky pearl shade with Coco Mademoiselle Chanel written on the front. She stares at it, feeling her heart skip a beat and warm up inside her chest. She opens it and springs the perfume on the inside of her wrist.

Meredith brings her hand to her face and takes in a deep breath, smelling it.

The scent is a mix of so many ingredients, she has to take a moment to find some of them - there is a jasmine fragrance in it, along with rose and some citrusy… orange? grapefruit? But not exactly. She cannot pinpoint what exactly it is.

She will have to ask Addison.

That makes her smile for a long time, even when she has settled alone under the sheets. The thought only helps her fall asleep without the need to ask one of her friends to be her company through the night; as long as she presses the perfume scent to her nose, she feels safe.

Notes:

i make my little happy dance each time someone comments;)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 8: swimming up against the tide

Notes:

hiii guys!!
just like always, thank you so so so much for all the comments, they really make me the happiest🥺 your feedback is my fuel to keep going and keep writing<3
today is my first day of summer semester, so keep your fingers crossed for me🤞🤞🤞 i really need a good start.

hope you'll enjoy today's chapter;)

“Oh my God!”

Meredith burrows her face into the pillow, groaning when the sounds of a fight aren’t held back by the thin walls of the house. She wants to go back to her weird dreams - she remembers seeing scars all over her body, some fresh and some old - no matter how uneasy it does sound, she found peace in it, the blankness of the whole scene.

But peace isn’t meant for her this morning. Especially when the fact she is coming back to work today hits her harder.

The door to her bedroom swings open and she rolls onto her back, opening her eyes as they adjust to the morning light.

“Alex is moving into this house?!”

Izzie is standing in the doorway, covered by a pink towel around her body, outraged. There might be as well fumes steaming out of her ears or through her nostrils like a dragon. She looks at Meredith like she could solve all of her problems.

“He’s taking George’s room,” Meredith says with a groggy voice.

“Why?”

But before Meredith can answer her eyes fall to the left side of the bed and she silences. Shit.

Addison Montgomery is waking up. Before she was hidden completely under the sheets but now she stretches out her hands and yawns. She is still wearing her tight black pencil skirt and a burgundy button-up she came to visit last night, her heels lying on the floor by the bed. Izzie stares speechless at the scene unfolding, forgetting about her problems with Alex.

Last night, she came by as a surprise visit to Meredith to ease her anxieties about going back to Seattle Grace; she brought her own book and Tiramisu she bought on her way.

One way or another, they ended up in Meredith’s comfortable bed, reading side by side and eating so much cake their stomachs began to hurt.

Guessing from their actual position, both of them must have fallen asleep - the nightlamp is lit up, which gives another clue to what happened. This way, Addison takes additional thirty seconds to awaken her mind. Seeing her stretching out like a cat, twirling herself in the sheets to the point Meredith isn’t sure they will be able to untangle her, finally makes her laugh. She bursts out laughing so loudly that it is the last factor that shakes Addison awake.

“What…” She sits up and opens her widely. Izzie keeps staring at her, still wet from her shower. “...the hell?”

She looks at Meredith and they notice their books kicked to the foot of the bed, along with the plates that dirtied the sheets.

“Doctor Montgomery?” Izzie asks.

“Doctor Stevens,” Addison nods at her. Deep inside she wants the ground to swallow her whole - she hates the idea of interns seeing her dishevelled like this.

Not all interns, though.

Not Meredith.

“Go back to your problem with Alex,” Meredith gestures at her, deciding to ignore the weirdness of the situation.

“Why is he taking George’s room?” Izzie listens to her; perhaps it’s easier for her, too, to pretend she doesn’t see Addison rolling herself out of the bed and gathering her things. It does reminiscence many of Meredith’s one-night stands but surely is not one. “I was naked in the bathroom when Alex walked in. I’m lucky I didn’t come out of the shower, find him peeing all over the seat.”

“What time is it?” Addison asks, putting on her heels.

Meredith checks her phone, “Well past seven.”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” She raises her voice. “I am late.”

“What’s wrong with where he was before?” Izzie ignores her and continues the conversation.

“I don’t know where he was before,” Meredith tells her. She acts oddly peacefully for a morning like this, sitting up in her bed and letting Addison circle around her bedroom as she hides things into her purse, then checks herself in the mirror and sighs at the smushed makeup and messy hair.

“Probably a whore house.”

At that, Addison chuckles under her breath and Meredith laughs out loud.

“I can’t have him living next door!” Izzie could as well stomp her foot right now like a little child and Meredith wouldn’t even be surprised. “It’s weird.”

“People are what matters. Alex is one of our people, we can’t leave him in the cold.”

Now, that brings the attention of the other two women. It might have something to do with the conversations Meredith had with Addison, about believing in things and in people and in a better future - maybe too much sugar has moved the chemicals in Mer’s brain to make speeches like this today.

“People are what matters?” Izzie frowns at her. “You don’t like people. Is this about your mother?”

But Addison can’t stay for the rest of the conversation, so she passes Stevens by and strides straight into a barechested Alex that is walking out of the bathroom. When they collide, she lets out way too many curse words and he catches her arms to pull her away from him. They try to pass each other by but always choose the same side to step aside and she feels her cheeks burning like in hell the longer they stay in each other’s personal spaces.

“Karev,” She says as a strict greeting and finally manages to escape the embarrassment that will haunt her for the rest of the day, if not the week.

How the hell can she explain accidentally sleeping over at her damn students’ frat house?

She disappears within a matter of a minute, while Meredith stays in the bed, the consequences of the night sleeping in the same bed only catching up to her.

After giving Izzie another part of her ‘people’ speech, she has that naive part of her that it’s enough for the blonde to leave her alone. Perhaps it would be, if it wasn’t for Alex to lean in the doorframe with confusion all over his face, “You’re sleeping with Montgomery?”

“No!” She decides to get out of bed, the question being her last straw. “We are friends now and she must have fallen asleep, me too. Besides, you two saw she was dressed. So. No.”

They stare at her and she is willing to repeat once again that people are what matters just to get them out of her head.

“Can we forget that happened, please?”

Alex only shrugs and heads back to the bathroom and that’s enough for Izzie to let Meredith go. She runs at the man and stops him, “No, no, I’m not done in there yet!” She slams the door loudly, this time turning the lock and that’s how the first day back begins.

Meredith has high hopes that at least in the hospital, she won’t have to deal with such chaos.

---

Quite frankly, she can kiss her own ass with these high hopes of hers.

She isn’t even halfway through her day and she already wants to go hide somewhere and not come out until everyone disappears. They act like they’re not treating her differently, but she feels it on her every step - Bailey, Webber, even her friends. Like she is made from glass and even if she is, isn’t it just her business? She might be as well falling apart, thinking about her mother hidden in the kitchen cupboards and it shouldn’t be anyone’s interest.

If that was Meredith’s only problem, from her perspective now, that would be just lovely.

But more trouble begins when Colin Marlow comes into their little world and catches Cristina’s ass in front of all of them. He is only the promise of how the day will go and Meredith is unfortunate to realise that before the real trouble really comes.

Stuck with Cristina hiding inside some small room, she is found by no other but her father’s wife, Susan who demands a dinner together. The only thing Meredith can do to protect herself and feel even an ounce of control is to invite them to her own house. Either way, she would be fucked, so at least she can be fucked in her own home on her own rules. And she realises it’s sweet they are worried she is shackled with grief because of her mother’s death and they try to show her somebody cares, she knows what this is all about and the good part of her tells her to be thankful, to take the help. But she isn’t grieving because Ellis Grey is not in this world anymore. She is grieving the straight part of herself she’s been forced into and she is grieving how much hatred she feels for herself, for the person who she is, the person who broke Derek and-

God, she does miss him. She wants to see him, wants to tell him about the dinner because he is her friend. Or was. And it’s bizarre for her to go on without him, his jokes, his pointing out obvious things and sometimes being too much of a big man.

Perhaps she can find him and see for herself. It’s better than waiting for a miracle.

It doesn’t take too long to find him.

Meredith arrives on the second floor, taking the stairs and she sees his back slouched over as he is typing something on a computer. She stands behind him, hesitating. It’s only Derek, but right the same it’s Derek.

“I just invited my father to my house to have dinner with his second wife,” She says with one breath. It is not the smoothest and the best way to begin a conversation, but she cannot do it otherwise.

He straightens his back immediately as if a bolt of lightning shot through him.

“And Cristina slept with Marlow.”

She really should just shut her mouth.

Derek turns around on the swivel chair and his face is so distant, so cold. No familiar fires light up in his eyes, his beautiful eyes that used to look at her with such love. He doesn’t laugh, despite her noticing those two topics did make him interested; she can tell despite it all. He attempts to look at her like she is some stranger, someone who wasn’t a girl in the bar, and it is so convincing he feels her heart breaking; she wonders if the sound of it can be heard echoing through the whole hospital because it does feel like it.

“Aren’t you going to ever speak to me again?” Meredith asks. Pure hatred is all she can feel for sounding so desperate and sad.

“Should I?” He raises his eyebrow.

“Derek…”

Without a word more, he turns back to the screen and presses buttons on the keyboard, back to work. She just stares at her, ruining her bitten bottom lip even more, trying not to cry in her fucking workplace, but every day it only feels like she keeps losing and suddenly, she hates being back at work, she hates all of it. She wants to turn back time to last evening and laugh with Addison in her bedroom, making fun of each other and eating the delicious Tiramisu.

So, there is only one thing she can do now.

She runs to hide. The way she did her whole childhood physically and adolescence mentally. Hiding from the pain and covering up who she is.

---

Too caught up in the meltdown that is way too swift with overcoming her, she doesn’t see who she is passing by while she storms through the hallways to find a free room to fall apart. She doesn’t notice Richard standing on her right and following her after five seconds of surprise, making a decision to make sure she is alright.

Obviously, she is not.

Meredith shuts the door with a loud bang of the first on-call room she finds empty. Her legs give out when the first choked sob leaves her lips. She sits down on the edge of the bottom bunk and begins to hyperventilate, putting one hand on her throat and the other trying to kill out any noises coming out from her mouth. She can’t see, can’t hear - the only thing that surrounds her is the despair and hard realisation she has lost Derek, pushed him away, and once again, her coming out had the same terrible consequences.

Should she try once again to fake it? Should she throw it away, her sexual orientation and give up fighting for herself? Fall into the water again.

“Meredith.”

She hasn’t even heard the door open and when she sees the Chief standing there, closing them again, she shakes her head. Tears stream down her face and she tries to speak but nothing comes out.

Richard sits down next to her and she leans onto him.

Meredith sobs and shakes with her forehead resting on his shoulder, her hands tightly holding onto him. And he puts his arm around her and just holds her in the silence broken only by her cries. He begins to slowly rock them back and forth and all she has to say is, “You’re not my father.”

“I am not,” Richard says to her calmly.

But he keeps on holding her until she manages to calm down.

“Are you not ready to come back?” He asks her, hearing her breathing is normal again. “You can stay home longer.”

“It will only get worse,” She says. “I can’t escape it forever.”

He hums, not really knowing how to treat her. As long as she doesn’t push him away, he intends to keep her close. He is not her father, and he will never be, especially with Thatcher parading around the hospital. He escaped him instantly, not one of his proudest moments to be a hiding Chief, yet there are monsters and demons even your position and control over other people don’t shelter you from. So, no, he won’t ever be Meredith’s father, but he is the other closest thing to it; he never really wanted children but for her, it would be worth it. For this giving, kind, intelligent and funny girl he never protected as a child, which he should have done. He saw her being neglected for so many years and was a fool and ignorant ass to never say anything.

This is his way of trying to make up for it. Listen to her and be there for her. All the rules in his head to not get too close to any of his employees went down the drain the moment he saw her blue and lifeless. All of the boundaries were worthless that day, all the attempts to build walls around himself and forget Ellis, forget her wonderful daughter who deserved better.

“My father is going to a dinner at my house tonight,” Meredith confesses. “With Susan. They want… I don’t know what they want and I don’t know how I’m going to do that.”

“Perhaps ask your friends, huh?” He proposes. “I’ve heard Izzie can cook… and that you’re friends with Addie now.”

“Oh my God,” Meredith chuckles. “The gossip does go far here, doesn’t it.”

“I thought by now you would know no secrets are kept at Seattle Grace.”

She moves away from him only to look at his face when she laughs, “I know but I still like to be under delusions.”

Richard smiles and nods, tapping her back as his own way of telling her he is here for her. One half-cracked smile from her and he wants to believe she will be okay, eventually. Some stupid fatherly side of him wants to tell her that the monsters are gone and he is here, like that could ever be enough. He stays quiet, though, not foolish enough to speak that out loud and startle her away.

Meredith does as he suggested - finds Izzie who enthusiastically agrees to cook the official dinner for her, Alex overhearing and inviting himself to it at the mention of food. Cristina promises to save her if the evening gets too uncomfortable or problematic. Just like that the dinner is settled as safest as possible.

Her last stop, for which she finds time only over an hour later, is finding Addison.

As she predicted, she is with Alex in Jane Doe’s room - the three of them are discussing something and when Meredith’s eyes fall onto the photographs printed out on paper, she realises the woman still hasn’t decided for her face. She’s heard about the whole affair and stays in the door, unnoticed until Addison raises her stare from the papers.

“Doctor Montgomery,” Meredith greets her and smiles.

“Doctor Grey, just a second,” She nods at her and turns to Jane Doe, explaining some things.

Patiently, Meredith waits and watches her until Addison is ready.

“I want to apologize for today,” Meredith begins, brushing back a strand of blonde hair that escaped her ponytail.

The smile on Addison’s face turns into a frown, “For what?”

“Asking you to stay longer so late last night and putting you under this… awkward situation this morning,” Meredith says when it takes a lot to keep eye contact.

“You have nothing to apologise for, Meredith,” Addison catches her wrist between her long fingers and gently squeezes it, reassuring her everything is okay. “I should have set an alarm and not sprawled out on your bed, it’s my fault really.”

Meredith nods, deciding they would start going back and forth apologising to each other because neither of them could admit that the other one was guilty. She actually liked this part of their friendship, how earnest yet stubborn both of them are, always worrying to be clear and sometimes even over-communicate, if something like that exists.

Biting back a smile, she speaks again, “Also, I have a request for you…”

---

When Addison agrees to be her emotional support during the dinner, Meredith could be as well walking on clouds. She waits for Montgomery by the exit as the hour gets later and finally, the woman walks out of the elevator, changed into a dark green dress that beautifully brings out her eyes.

She notices Meredith immediately, like there are no other people in the hall and fixing the bag on her arm, she approaches her.

“Ready?”

“As much as I can be,” Meredith laughs nervously and together, they leave the hospital.

If only Addison came downstairs five minutes later, perhaps Meredith would face Derek for the second time today, however nicer. Because he sees her walking out and rushes between the chairs and the patients, hoping to catch up to her and ask about the goddamn dinner, about Cristina’s old affair, about the confession of the Friday night.

But when he is almost outside, Meredith is long gone. Not on her own, although he couldn’t know that. Maybe it’s even better that he doesn’t know that, doesn’t see her walking hand in hand with his ex-wife to her car.

He is not one of the most understanding men, truthfully. But that fact knows everybody besides Derek himself.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciates!!:)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 9: one step at a time

Notes:

hiii guys!
i'm honestly so happy for monday to finally come. today's chapter is basically a re-write of what would happen if it was addison instead of derek helping meredith out on the dinner with her father; all the dialogues i quoted here don't belong to me, i don't own them, just to make it clear.
thank you so much for all the comments and kudos!! i am eternally grateful for all the feedback that motivates me to keep going. recently i hit 100k words in my draft for this fic and i don't think it's even half of the whole story😬😬

anyways, enjoy this one!<3

The evening could go a much worse route, Addison firmly believes.

They’ve already talked about the hospital, the dead mother whom she wonders if she is listening from the kitchen cupboards and how Addison sees Meredith as her intern. Susan is a lovely woman, she finds herself recognizing, while there is unsureness towards Thatcher. She doesn’t show it even a little bit, of course, but she’s heard enough from Meredith to know some things about that man.

She knows he is trying. Smiling at him, Addison tries to reassure him the dinner has been going well. But there is that part of Montgomery which can’t physically stand people who have hurt Meredith - so all the while, Addison sometimes can’t stand herself. She remembers the first months in Seattle, the heartbroken and destroyed Meredith and the thought of adding up to this pain is unbearable.

After a long time, throughout which Meredith stays in the kitchen where Izzie is preparing the main course, the blonde finally emerges with the cooked chicken. Its smell reaches her nostrils and she smiles reassuringly at the wide-eyed Meredith.

“Oh, the chicken looks delicious,” Susan says, smiling softly when Meredith places the big plate in the middle of the table.

“It’s from the store.”

Addison has to bite back a smirk when she sees Susan and Thatcher get hit by Meredith’s words.

“The green beans look great, as well,” The woman tries again.

Neither of them has to wait for Meredith to make the scene even more awkward, “I didn’t do those either.”

“Well, it is very beautifully presented,” Addison steps in and looks at the sitting down Meredith. She tries to send a message to her within one glance, that it’s okay and she doesn’t have to be so nervous. It’s not hard to notice how Meredith puts her hands in her lap to not show how shaky they are; Addison understands the bricks she is putting between her and Susan with Thatcher just to keep herself safe.

Addison had her own share of bad relationships with parents, so she doesn’t feel even an ounce of irritation towards Meredith. She understands, truly does.

“Izzie did that,” Meredith says and her eyes light up when someone opens the front door. “Alex!”

Well, fuck.

Addison hasn’t talked with him about what almost happened between them and about today’s morning. The tension still hasn’t disappeared and when he peeks inside the dining room, he raises an eyebrow when he sees her.

“Come sit. Eat, we’re eating,” Meredith stands up to take an additional chair and carry it back to the table. “This is Susan and this is my father.”

Alex approaches them and greets the couple before sitting down and beginning to put food on his plate. Meredith tries to make small talk with him, anything to escape the uncomfortableness of the atmosphere around the table, but he is way too hungry and caught up in eating to help her out. Addison smiles once again, this time faking it when she catches Susan’s unsteady gaze.

“How’s the baby?” Meredith finally asks when it’s obvious she has to carry the conversation.

“Great,” Susan nods and smiles widely.

“She’s smiling now sometimes,” Thatcher speaks up. His voice is a bit wobbly and Addison realises he is afraid of Meredith, and he should be, to be honest. “Looks exactly like Molly…When she smiles, I mean, it’s amazing. I’ve got this old picture of Molly and me when she was, I don’t know, five, and she’s sitting on this red sled in the snow, this great big fir tree.”

Addison listens carefully and feels relieved the conversation is heading towards a more positive side. If she could do it with no one noticing, she would creep her hand to Meredith’s lap and squeeze her hand for courage and to show her the pride she feels watching her face bravely the old wounds and scars.

But then, she sees the way Susan’s face falls, despite she is trying to keep it together and not look worried.

“You know, I’m not sure that-”

She tries to stop Thatcher, unsuccessfully.

“Yeah, it’s a massive Douglas fir. And in the picture, couldn’t look more like the baby, I mean, it’s incredible,” He just keeps going.

“It’s me,” Meredith says, voice almost empty.

Addison’s heart drops.

“The red sled and the big fir tree and the park at the middle school and the ugly yellow, plaid wool coat,” Meredith continues, never breaking eye contact with her father. “That isn’t Molly. It’s you and me.”

Addison crosses looks with Alex, who looks as lost as she feels. That would be it when it comes to a nice dinner, not when- He doesn’t even recognize his own children. He mixed it up, he forgot he could even have photographs of Meredith… Even she, a specialist from awkward conversations and meetings, doesn’t know what to say, how to pick it up after Meredith’s words.

Izzie does it for them.

Suddenly, just when Meredith opens her mouth to add something, the lights go out.

“Crap! Sorry, I think I blew a fuse,” Stevens calls out from the kitchen and that completely breaks the spell of Thatcher’s mistake.

They aren’t left in complete darkness, though, given the candles lit up on the table and the fireplace burning up behind Meredith and Addison.

“Sorry,” Meredith says, already standing up.

“I’ll get it,” Thatcher is quicker, clearly taking any opportunity just to leave the table for the moment embarrassed.

Meredith is weirdly quiet when she remembers it used to be his house, too, and he knows how to find the fuse box. She doesn’t say anything more and neither Addison nor Susan can find the right path throughout the conversation; this way they stay quiet for a long time, until Alex thanks for the meal and leaves for the kitchen. At least he could escape and there is some part of Addison that regrets getting tangled in this mess - but she is here for Meredith, always will be and wants to prove it. So even if it’s an odd dinner with father who never fought for Mer and his weirdly lovable second wife, let it be it.

But when Thatcher doesn’t come back for a long time, Meredith shifts uncomfortably on her seat and looks towards the laundry room, “Do you think he’s OK?”

“He’ll find it,” Susan says, trying to calm her.

“He probably can’t see,” Meredith murmurs. “There’s a flashlight in the closet.” She looks at Addison and Montgomery catches the meaning instantly, promising to get it and gets up from her seat.

All she can hope for is that Meredith will have a meaningful conversation with Susan and before she leaves, she places her hand on Grey’s shoulder and brushes her thumb against the pale skin of her nape. Whatever tension she felt there at first, disappears only by her touch. She smiles to herself, feeling peace in her heart with the knowledge that Meredith has learned to trust her, to the point her own presence brings some serenity to her. With that thought, she leaves to find the flashlight and help Meredith’s father.

---

Meredith plays with her nails under the table before she stutters out regretfully, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s going just fine,” Susan tells her, leaning over the table. The candlelight lights up her kind face.

“I just… I don’t know what to say to him.”

“Well, it’s not easy. It’s ‘cause he’s afraid of you.”

It doesn’t make her feel better, so Meredith gives up, pulling her hands onto the surface of the table and resting her chin on her fist, “I shouldn’t have bit his head off, I wish I could have just…” She closes her eyes for a moment and shakes her head, wishing it could be not so difficult. She wishes she could put the past behind and move on, give up the anger, the disappointment, the feeling of being left; as if only her childhood memory could disappear within one day.

But memory is better, she remembers suddenly, better than what happened to my mother.

If the pain is the price of reminiscing, she prefers to pay it.

“Meredith,” Susan reaches her hand across the table to catch Meredith’s. “It’s okay to get angry.”

It takes a lot from Meredith to hold back emotions from the gentle words and how kindly Susan treats her. She wonders for a moment what it would be like to have a mom like this, caring and always trying to reassure you that having feelings is okay; she wonders if Susan would accept her for who she is, be the complete opposition to Ellis who disowned her as her last moments of life.

She lets Susan touch her hand, lets her brush her thumb over her palm and smiles at her with nothing but contentment all over her face. Meredith nods and tries to smile back without making her eyes wet.

“So…” Susan lets go of her, seeing she slowly gets uncomfortable. “Is Addison your girlfriend?”

Meredith’s jaw literally drops.

Susan interprets it completely wrong, “Because she is just lovely. I mean it. So intelligent and kind, and I must say pretty, too.” She chuckles at Meredith’s expression.

“No!” Meredith manages to finally form a word on her tongue. “No. No, we are just friends. She- she agreed to help me out tonight, she… we are good friends.”

“Oh, sorry I just assumed that,” Susan apologizes. “You two seem close and good with each other. But if she were your girlfriend, that would be okay, you know that, right?”

There is a whole fight going on inside Meredith’s heart when she hears those words. She gets the answer to the silent question she just asked herself a couple of minutes earlier and somehow, the acceptance hurts more than the rejection did.

She feels bad because the last thing she wants is to be thought of as a predator - Addison is truly her friend and she would hate to make it weird and wrong. She is not what her mother thought of her as and she doesn’t know what to tell Susan. Addison is her good friend, and she tries to ignore how impossibly gorgeous and amazing she is, just so she isn’t turned into the monster she was painted as since her first coming out.

“I do,” Meredith answers quietly. “But really, Addie, she… except for being my friend, she is also my ex-boyfriend’s ex-wife.”

Now, that is worth the face Susan makes.

“Oh, wow,” She says, breathing out. “Didn’t see that coming,” And then, she starts to laugh.

Their conversation ends here, though, because a second later Cristina storms into the house with her own share of Seattle Grace drama, just to be followed by George looking frantically for Izzie. Meredith scratches her collarbone before smiling apologetically to Susan, “Sorry, it’s not always like this.”

Cristina looks at her weirdly, “Yeah, it kinda is.”

---

Addison finds the flashlight instantly and then follows her way pointed by Izzie from the kitchen to the laundry room. Peaking one last time into the dining room, when she sees that Meredith has begun a talk with Susan, she decides to look for Thatcher.

She finds him sitting on a wicker rocking chair, going back and forth, staring up at the ceiling.

“Did you find the fuse box?” She asks quietly, not to scare him.

But he looks so much more relaxed here, locked up in the darkness, only the moon his other company, “Yeah, yeah, I just needed to…”

“Escape for a bit?” Addison rests against the washing machine and pulls herself up to sit on it.

“Yeah,” Thatcher nods. “You seem to understand her well, how do I talk to her? What do I say?”

“Firstly, maybe don’t get your children mixed up,” Addison bites her bottom lip when she sees his eyes opening widely; he looks as miserable as he must be feeling about it. But she is not one to shy away from criticism and confrontation, so there is just the littlest amount of seeing him falter at his own stupid mistake. When he stays so foolishly silent, she decides to let it go for now, “Ask her about work. She is the most promising intern, not only in my opinion, and she is proud of what she does. She is so kind, no matter what is the case of the patient. We once had a woman who treated Meredith with no respect, yet she stayed respectful and helpful because that’s who Meredith is at heart. Kind, good for others, always giving, even when is the one who needs to be taken care of. Ask her about books she likes because she has taken up reading recently. She is full of passion and she stays here, despite…”

“Despite what?” Thatcher leans in the chair, deeply listening to her.

“You’ve heard she almost died,” Addison says. “I won’t be talking about that with you because it’s too personal for Meredith, but she keeps on trying now, even after everything she has almost lost. She is a fighter, whether she knows it or not. So, ask her about that one day. For now, stick with work and with the intern test, she will be taking soon. Ask her about her friends, because they are pretty great, too.”

He nods thoughtfully, rocking on the chair. When he looks up at Addison again, his gaze is wandering.

“You are good for her,” Thatcher says. “You know her well, you can tell you understand each other. Are you two… together?”

Addison’s eyebrows almost raise to her hairline and she gapes a bit, caught off guard. She has no idea that Meredith is going through the exactly same conversation just two walls away, and maybe if she did, she would have laughed.

“Me and Meredith?” She repeats and finds herself chuckling in disbelief. “Oh, no. We are not.”

“Sorry,” He instantly says. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed things, it’s just, you seem to be very close. Every time she didn’t know what to say or how to act, she would look at you as if to make sure she is good.”

“We have a tough history together,” Addison crosses her arms on her chest. “We got close after the accident and Ellis’ death. I’m just trying to be there for her.”

“I’m glad she has someone like you looking over her,” Thatcher stands up.

Addison slides from the washing machine to make some room.

“One day you can become that person, too,” Addison says, turning on the flashlight and giving him enough light to see in the fuse box. A couple of switches and finally, the whole house lights up. Just then, her pager goes off, which makes Thatcher look down on it.

“God, I can still remember this sound so clearly,” He says. “You gotta go?”

“Apparently,” She smiles.

She says her goodbyes first to him, next to Susan and then, Meredith walks her to the door. Both of them linger - Addison fears leaving Meredith alone with her father, while Meredith knows she will lose her peace without the redhead by her side. She cannot tell when did that happen, their friendship got so close to her heart that Addison became her comfort person, one of her favourites.

“Thank you for tonight,” She says when Addison throws her coat on. “I don’t know if I could do this without you.”

Addison laughs like she said something stupid, “Of course, you could. You can do anything, Meredith, but I am happy I could ease your nerves a bit.”

Ignoring the fact they can be seen by anyone - whether the interns or the guests, she spontaneously pulls Meredith in and embraces her around her tiny waist. Meredith falls into her hug like it’s the most natural thing, hands tangled around her neck as she hides her nose into her soft skin. They stay like this for somewhere between a second and an infinity.

“Thank you,” Meredith murmurs into the fabric of her dress and pulls away with reluctance.

“I’m always here for you,” Addison says and holds onto her hand before she has to really go. “Well, except for now.” She waves her pager around and they laugh together. “Text me later how it went.”

“Of course,” Meredith opens the door for her. “Bye, Addie.”

“Goodbye, Meredith.”

Meredith watches her from the door until she disappears into her vehicle and drives out of the neighbourhood. Maybe someone would judge her about it, if it wasn’t for the fact that Susan was busy calming Thatcher down, Cristina escaped upstairs to hide in Mer’s bedroom and Izzie was getting drunk with George somewhere and Alex has left for the hospital. But no one sees her longingly watching the empty street and no one asks her about it when she goes back to the table.

Notes:

every comment will make me utterly happy<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 10: where do we go now?

Notes:

hi everyone!! first of all, i wanted to thank you all so much for hitting 300 kudos<3 i can't believe how many people actually enjoy this fanfic... all of the support makes my life so much better, guys<3
also, thank you for all the kind comments, i try to answer to them all.
chapter 10 involves some addie and mer content and mark doing what had to be done (please don't hate on him in the comments because i love my guy😭)
hope you'll enjoy this one;)

The next weeks turn out to be exhausting and as messy as the night of the dinner.

Meredith tries to survive through them; first, she imagines she just keeps on swimming, but even that is too tiring. in the end, she ends up just threading the water. Perhaps she is staying in one place, not moving, not evolving and learning, but at least she is afloat.

Addison tells her it’s enough.

No matter how many times she finds Meredith crumbling, hidden in the broom closets, bathrooms or on-call rooms, she never tells her to stop falling apart. She never demands the way Derek used to demand her to get her shit together, she just keeps brushing her hair in a calming manner and saying that it’s okay. She calms her through the panic attacks, through flashbacks, through attacks of shivers. She is always enough for Addison.

Her way to escape is by listening to Montgomery. She begins asking her many senseless questions and drinks up every single word. With her beautiful voice, she brings Meredith back to earth and shows her how to stay grounded and how to survive every day, no matter how hard. The easiest way to maintain her own problems is to ask someone else about theirs - you can tell Meredith it’s escapism and it’s not the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but there are many many more which are worse.

Through this, Meredith finds out most of the hidden things about Addison - that she used to love yoga back in New York, that her parents are as fucked up as Meredith’s, that she adores reality shows but never confessed about it anyone, even her ex-husband. She is very good at cooking but doesn’t like doing it and always wanted to have three children, however, now feels like she lost her chance.

When Meredith is stable enough, she begins to joke around again, sit with her friends for lunch and dinner and notices that Derek is not sending her death glares anymore.

Marlow has left and Cristina made up with Burke, who are now officially getting married, this time for sure. She talks about it with her person a lot, while Cristina acts like it’s a crime she has to bother at all - it makes Meredith laugh. She wonders if she will get married one day, when she is brave enough to tell the world she is a lesbian.

She doesn’t linger too long around that topic in her head, to avoid the chest ache it gives her at times.

George and Izzie are speaking again and she enjoys it for a couple of minutes at most, given how weird they are acting. She doesn’t know what’s going on and any questions are pointless, simply because both of her friends ignore them. Alex is gone most of the time in the hospital, hanging out with Jane Doe, now named Ava.

When Mark proposed to her to take part in the plastic surgery reconstructing the woman’s face, Meredith enthusiastically agreed. He was kind to her and she proposed to him to go to the Emerald City afterwards; once upon a time, she would never, but now with Derek gone, not speaking to her, what is else to lose? Even more, when she knows Addison is close to Mark once again and Addison is her close friend, so doesn’t it make her and Mark friends too? It reminds her of the times when Addison and Derek were still married and they tried being three friends.

She tells Addison about it in the elevator on one of the busy Wednesdays and it makes Montgomery mortified.

“Please, let’s not talk about that time,” She says, covering her face with both of her hands, laughing in pain. “That was… terribly strange. I don’t know what we were thinking.”

“You were cute, though,” Meredith is laughing hard, too when she sees Addison’s reaction. “Always complimenting me and digging my celibacy.”

“Oh my God, I forgot you were celibate!”

It makes both of them laugh so hard that they can’t breathe. Addison has to catch Meredith’s shoulder to stand upright when they arrive on the third floor. Just in that state Doctor Bailey finds them, standing on the other side of the elevator, waiting to use it.

“Another attending fooling around with an intern,” Bailey says with her hands crossed on her chest. “Get out of my sight.”

Barely keeping it together, the pair exits the elevator and the moment Miranda disappears in it and they get around the corner, they burst out laughing again like a pair of idiots. The nurses make weird faces at them, and as a cherry on top, Derek appears on the other end of the corridor and when he sees both of his exes laughing like best friends, holding onto each other, he throws away any chances to talk to Meredith ever again.

But the blonde doesn’t care at that moment, no care in the world when Addison’s choked gasps of laughter ring in her ears.

Good moments like those show her the reason to hold on and to keep trying at life. Every day, she tries to find the smallest of reasons to stay. To not give up.

And thank God, it’s one of those good days when she goes downstairs, still in her pyjamas as she doesn’t have to be in Seattle Grace until afternoon and finds Addison and Susan in her kitchen. It’s over two weeks since the dinner and she hasn’t expected to see Susan again for a long time afterwards, despite that evening did end well.

“I just think that the blonde one is much better,” Addison is telling Susan while she brings things out of brown paper bags and Susan hides them in the kitchen. “She should have got picked.”

“I must disagree,” Susan smiles.

“Oh, don’t do this to me,” Addison catches her chest dramatically.

“Good morning?” Meredith says.

She feels like she just walked into a different dimension. Sitting on the chair by the kitchen island, she observes carefully the scene unfolding.

“Good morning,” A big smile grows on Susan’s lips. “Your friend, Alex, let us in.”

“He did, hmm,” Meredith murmurs.

“Are you okay?” Addison mouths to her when Susan is turned back to them and gets a quick nod along with a tight smile.

“How did that happen?” Meredith waves her hands around at the two of them.

“Well, I ran into Susan in a supermarket and both of us were doing groceries for you,” Addison explains, folding the paper bag when it’s empty and hiding it on one of the shelves. “Me because I know how usually the fridge looks like when Izzie doesn’t cook and…”

“Me because I wanted to see how you’re holding up,” Susan finishes.

“Oh,” Meredith tries to keep back the smile. “That’s very nice of you, thank you.”

She doesn’t know this side of motherhood. The caring and the protectiveness and buying the groceries when Meredith doesn’t remember to eat most of the time and the dinners and the hugs for goodbyes. She only knows neglect, and spending days alone until someone notices her for a short while just to go into forgetting again.

“You gotta eat,” Susan says, pulling out four eggs. “Alex, do you want scrambled eggs, too?” She calls out when he passes by the kitchen.

Hearing that, he moves from the corridor, peeking inside, “Oh, sure, Mrs Grey.”

This way, both Meredith and Alex get a fresh warm breakfast, something that almost never happens in their house.

She doesn’t admit that to herself but some part of her wishes that Monday groceries from Susan would become a routine; a tradition. For now, she enjoys the radio playing in the background as she eats up, Addison’s presence another gift of that day as they all fall into idle conversations, the light coming through the windows. Alex devours the meal so fast, he almost catches up with Meredith.

“Does nobody feed you, kids?” Susan asks, laughing at them.

Addison is resting against the kitchen counter, drinking coffee with way too much sugar and cream in Meredith’s favourite pink mug. The one that Mer never lets anyone else use, but in Addison’s hands, it feels okay.

“Hard reality of being interns,” Addison laughs.

Alex nods, “Attendings actually don’t let us eat unless we earn their respect by praying to them five times per day.”

Meredith hits him with her elbow, making him choke on his food and it makes Susan chuckles happily.

It’s quite an idyllic morning for the life she’s had since Elliott Bay.

And she is not complaining.

---

Callie is done with her husband. She doesn’t even try to come back to her own hotel room, just to be faced with George, who probably has found more idiotic excuses for spilling her secrets to his offensive friends. Instead, she heads to the elevator and takes a ride up to Mark and Addison’s floor.

Montgomery doesn’t answer but Sloan does, letting her in.

She doesn’t know how and when they became this kind of friends who fall tired on each other’s beds with no sexual context, but that’s how it is. He opens the minibar but both of them are on call, so they only choose sparkly water, waiting until they have to go back to the hospital.

“How the hell do I know when someone is cheating on me?”

“You’re asking the wrong person,” Mark says. “I am the one who knows how to cheat on somebody.”

“You know what,” Callie stares at him. “I don’t know why I’m talking to you.”

“Personal charm? Murderous confidence? Otherworldly body?” He shoots at her.

She makes a disgusted face, scrunching her nose, “I think I like how much dumber you are than me.”

When Mark gets paged, she decides to go back to work with him. They take a cab there and part their ways by the entrance. It turns out he has a new patient, a middle-aged man with a crushed face and it takes over an hour to make some decisions and soon, the surgery is settled on the next morning. He takes a route to the cafeteria, hoping to catch somebody to eat with, but instead, he finds all the tables busy.

He notices the familiar red hair and is ready to go there until he sees Meredith is with Addison.

The scene he watches makes him think - Addison telling a long story, wildly gesturing, the way she always does, ever since the collage and Meredith sipping every single word like it’s the most interesting thing in the whole wide world. She chuckles and grins at the right moments and her eyes are opened so wide it looks like she wants to drink up every single expression on Addison’s face. They look at each other like there are no people around them, like the stares they get aren’t crooked and disapproving.

Because, yes, the friendship between Meredith Grey and Addison Montgomery, earlier Shephard, is not what anyone expected. And it may be weird and suspicious.

Instead of joining them, he puts on a sad smile just when he notices Derek watching the duo from the other entrance to the cafeteria. Their gazes cross, both of them sad but for entirely different reasons.

And, what shocks Sloan, Derek nods at him. He admits he sees him and he…

All Mark can do is nod back and try to make his smile a bit brighter.

The next time he meets Addison, she is alone. When she sees him, her eyes light up, but not the way they do at Meredith. She looks at him with love, of course, she does and he is not that stupid not to know that - but she looks at him like a best friend, that old family of hers. Whatever romantic history they have, it is in the past.

She hugs him tightly and he presses a kiss to her cheek before pulling her down to the empty part of the hallway.

“We have to talk,” He says.

Addison is still flying high and he knows it’s not because of him. It should hurt, but it doesn’t, not really.

Because she’s never looked like that because of him or because of Derek, and yes, Mark has many questions about this sudden lesbian awakening (which Addison most probably has not realised is happening) but he leaves it be.

“Something’s wrong?” She asks him when they begin to walk in the direction of vending machines.

While she buys herself a cup of juju, Mark watches her, wondering how to start.

“I think our deal is off,” He finally says.

She turns around after picking up her drink and stares at him, confused. There is that instant fight inside of her, he knows her too well to be aware of that. She won’t let him go just because he has his suspicions and want to set her free - no, she will not let him.

It’s Addison, after all.

So, if it means he has to lie just to break them apart, he will. One day, he will come clean and explain why did he do what’s on the edge of his tongue, but it will take some time. However long it will be, Mark can wait it out and maybe… maybe she won’t hate him as much.

“I slept with someone else,” Mark says and watches Addie’s face change from disappointment through anger and feeling of betrayal to relief just in five seconds. “I couldn’t wait it out. The deal is off.”

“But…” She stares at him and tries to feel something harder, but the search for fury is unsuccessful. “But we were so close.”

They have reached forty days and slowly Addison started to accept that this is her life and that soon she will have her relationship back on track. It wasn’t what she wanted deep at heart, but she just had that stupid belief if she will get with a man to be steady, she can finally have a baby and… She had plans. Built on fake resolutions, but still, she had a plan in her head.

Now, it’s gone.

“I’m sorry, Addie,” Mark says and his heart breaks just a bit. “I couldn’t do it.”

When she doesn’t speak a word more, he doesn’t come closer, doesn’t reach out to her. Instead, he turns around and leaves, hearing she is still standing in one place, not moving.

Afterwards, Addison knows she has one last person to check to make sure whatever has grown inside of her head as a way to change her life is gone. She goes to see Karev. They’ve had another moment that almost ended up with pulling him inside a darkened room and kissing the hell out of him, and it messed with her head, as well.

So, when she sees him in Ava’s room, sitting by her side, staring at her like she hung the moon in the sky herself, she knows there is no man for her in Seattle.

But there are other things. Better things.

She might make them come true on her own.

Notes:

let me know your thoughts in the comments below!
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 11: i know what's in my heart

Notes:

hi guys!!
thank you so much for the sweet comments and all the kudos! it means the world to me, the support i get from you and only gives me more motivation to keep going<3
in this chapter, there is a BIG reveal of what's going to be one of the main plots of this story in the future and i am curious if you saw it coming, so let me know in the comments;)

hope you enjoy this chapter:)

Since Thatcher fixed the wooden swing outside the house, Meredith’s made a new tradition to spend the warmer evenings out there. She takes some blankets and curls up as the swing slowly moves back and forth, and tonight she has the company of Addison.

They sip on white wine Addison brought and Meredith ends up sticking her feet into her friend’s lap, covered by the blankets. The only source of light is the dim lamp on the porch and the streetlamps, far away enough to not be too harsh, yet letting them see each other.

“I want to have a baby.”

Meredith’s drastically pulled out of her thoughts and she turns instantly to look at Addison, who is staring ahead of her. She has the glass pressed to her lips when she says that, muffling her words.

“What?” Maybe she has misheard it.

This time when Addison speaks, she looks at her, “I’ve realised I’ve been waiting for a train that’s just not coming. I believed that the right man will come and sweep me off my feet and I will realise he is the one with whom I want to raise a child. And I had that kind of man with me for many years and still, we never worked it out,” She sounds out of breath, like she wants to get the explanation as quickly as possible. “So, recently, I decided I do not need a man to do this. Or to do anything. So I’m- I want to have a baby.”

She stares at Meredith with hesitation in her eyes, almost anxious. Throughout the past weeks, she’s grown so close to the blonde that her opinion about it means so much, she fears hearing something negative; she doesn’t have to have a man with her, but she worries if she can do it without Meredith by her side.

“Oh my God,” Meredith sits up and leans towards Addison, her eyes widened with disbelief. “Addie.”

“What do you think?”

Her heart swims in relief when Meredith grins like a devil and lets out a shocked chuckle, “I think it’s amazing!” She grabs Addison’s hand, the one that’s not holding the wine. “Truly. Addison, you will make an amazing mother.”

“Oh, Meredith…” Addison smiles at her.

It’s like her heart is melting from those words. She holds Meredith’s hand and when she feels it’s finally warm, after all those days of coldness, it only makes this moment better. There is something special about the two of them, unbothered, the only sounds besides their conversations are the owls hooting and crickets playing their sweet tune.

“So what happens now?” Meredith asks.

There is no way to contain the excitement rushing through her veins. She can’t tell why it hits her so hard, the idea of Addison being pregnant and raising her own baby, but she just imagines how lucky that kid will be to have such a mom. There is something healing about someone being a good mother, someone being the quite opposite of Ellis Grey.

“I’m going to ask Richard for two weeks off. My best friend, Naomi, is a fertility specialist,” Addison says. “She lives in LA, so I’ll make a small trip there to get the process going.”

“When?”

“I think I’ll go to Richard tomorrow.”

“God, that’s so fast!” Meredith literally jumps in her seat, making the swing move abruptly; she almost falls off it. “That is so great.”

Addison can’t help herself but ask, “Why are you so excited?”

She hopes Meredith doesn’t take the question wrong and of course, she doesn’t. She still smiles brightly and doesn’t let go of Addison.

“Why should I not be? I can see how much you want this when you’re talking about it,” Meredith says. “Of course, I am excited for you. Addie, this is big!”

“I know,” Addison nods and then, right then that’s when it hits her. She bursts out laughing like a maniac and puts her glass on the ground before grabbing Meredith’s hands tightly. “Oh my God, I know!” She can’t stop herself from squealing.

They act like a pair of teenagers, quite frankly, and there is something so pure about that scene. It builds up Addison’s confidence, to see that somebody else believes she can do it, even more when it’s one of her closest friends. The last time she had fun like this from confessing good news must go back to New York, to her life with Derek and their old friends. But, as it appears, happiness can be found even in the rainy and sombre Seattle, if only you look for any means of light.

“Do you need company on this journey?” Meredith asks when they calm down enough to go back to drinking wine and swinging gently.

“Meredith, I wouldn’t ask you,” Addison shakes her head. “You already have so much on your head.”

“Well, it’s me who is proposing,” Meredith smiles, clearly scheming. “I have to study for my intern test and I might as well do it on a plane. Either way, I still can’t focus in the hospital, you know I’ve been having a hard time… with… well… everything.”

“I know.”

“So, Richard was willing to give me some more time off and I think he can agree to let me go with you.”

“He does have a soft spot for you,” Addison rolls her eyes. “I will talk to him tomorrow and mention that idea. Is that good with you?”

“Perfect.”

They stay quiet for a long time, sipping on their drinks and watching one of the neighbours coming late home, a green car passing by. Addison is processing their whole conversation, unaware of the careful gaze of Meredith, who’s watching her. She can’t pull herself away, ignoring the beautiful night sky and the greenery surrounding them. All she sees is Addison, her lovely profile, the soft curve of her nose and how she is mindlessly biting her bottom lip, eyes set across the street.

“So you’re going with me?” She asks quietly.

Meredith hasn’t even realised when Montgomery woke up from her thoughts.

“Yes,” Her lips stretch out in a grin again.

“Meredith,” Addison turns to look at her before pitching her voice. “I’m going to have a baby.”

“You’re going to have a baby.”

Their voices tangle together in a melody of uncontrollable laughter.

---

They make it a secret between them, one of the sweetest. It’s surely nicer to bear that baby cute news as a mystery than the one Meredith’s been carrying inside herself for years, if not decades by now and each time she bumps into Addison in the hospital, she can’t help herself but grin until Addison’s eyes widen as a message to stop that right now. Whether it’s the fact Meredith makes it hard for Addison not to laugh like a madman herself or not bring attention to the two of them and their shenanigans. The hospital has eyes everywhere and with everyone and the last thing they need is to have gossip running around before Addison even takes the first step and leaves to begin her baby journey.

But it is surprisingly weird how many times they run into each other. Usually, if they don’t page or text one another, they cannot meet up in this enormous building. Today, they bump into each other on every floor, every other corridor and corner. With every time it only gets harder not to smile at each other and tap on the shoulder, just like the smallest of signs that says I’m with you.

How in the hell has Meredith Grey become Addison’s favourite person within barely one month?

That’s a mystery neither of them will ever solve. Sometimes the nature and the chemistry between people act like a match has fallen on a pool of gas and lit two souls up, making them realize burning together is better than staying apart in the cold puddles. Things happen without reason, simple as that. But every smile and every discreet look are reasons. Every call in the middle of the night, every worried question, every hesitation in Meredith’s voice when Addison finds her locked in a bathroom stall, crying. Building a friendship upon the bricks of those moments is a reason.

When Meredith gets paged by Burke, that is surprising. She was supposed to stick with Mark Sloan today, but she makes her way where she is needed.

Just as she arrives, she is met with the sight of all of her intern friends gathered around a table in one of the offices, eating up miniatures of wedding cakes.

“Doctor Grey,” Burke greets her. “We are trying out the flavours.”

“Hi,” She walks in and takes a seat between Izzie and George. The tension hits her physically and she frowns first at Stevens who only rolls her eyes and O’Malley avoids her stare.

Cristina is sitting on the edge of the table, looking like she is ready to run off when Preston raises a piece of white cake towards her mouth, “Try this one.” He feeds her while she looks like she might throw up any moment now.

“Yeah, yeah, amazing,” She mumbles with a full mouth, the points at the one in front of Meredith. “I like this one, lemon sorbet. Yummy.”

“Well, I’m a fan of Tiramisu,” Meredith announces after taking a big piece.

When Burke leans over the surface to pick it up, Cristina jumps from the table and rushes outside before her soon-to-be-husband realises. He ignores the rest of the group and instantly follows her outside, leaving the sweet feast for them.

Bailey passes him by through the doorway and looks around, surprised. Without a word, she reaches for a small plastic fork and a plate that Meredith has just pulled towards herself and carries it outside, for Grey never to try it out.

“Well, goodbye raspberry creme, you will be remembered,” Izzie waves at the cake that Miranda has taken.

Alex’s pager begins to ring and he stands up, hesitating about what to steal.

He looks at the girls and distracted George who barely is aware of what’s happening in front of him, “Which one I can take?”

“Banana foster.”

Meredith and Izzie say at the same time and hold their laughter back when Alex takes the worst flavour and happily strolls into the corridor. Izzie keeps her eye on Mer for a second too long, enough for Meredith to know that she is worried, even when she is smiley and laughing and tasting cakes and acting like she is back to the game, like dying for a couple of hours never changed her will to live.

She truly doesn’t want to talk about it again. Not when for the first time in a very long time, her day is full of hope and excitement and the prospect of a journey which will set her free from the memories Seatlle instantly brings back. So, she smiles as brightly as possible at Izzie and clings to the thought of her soon probable trip.

“It was disgusting,” Meredith says so the silence doesn’t stretch out, pointing at the cake with which Alex disappears behind the wall.

“The worst one sure,” Izzie scrunches her nose before she begins to deeply breathe in the air. Leaning towards Meredith and sticking her face into the blonde hair, she asks, “What smells so good? Do you have a new perfume?”

“I do, actually.”

“Fancy,” Izzie murmurs into her scalp and moves back. “Bergamot.”

“What?”

“One of my high school friends always had a similar perfume, bergamot. Everyone always said it was orange, but it was bergamot.”

Meredith smiles to herself, hiding it under a big piece of red velvet cake. Now, she knows what’s the last element of the ravishing perfume.

---

Impatient, that’s what she is.

Each goddamn time she tries to catch Richard somewhere, she is either pulled away for a consult or paged by her stupid colleagues. But finally, she arrives at the office only to find out the door is closed and someone is inside talking to the Chief.

“Hey.”

Addison turns around, resting against the wall as she stomps out an uneven rhythm with her heel. Derek is right behind her, looking like a kicked puppy and there is a small part of her that feels sorry for him. She still has no idea what happened between him and Meredith, neither of the sides willing to speak about the evening when, as Meredith said “her fucked-updness fucked it up”.

“Hi,” She smiles at him gently. Kindness won’t cost her anything, after all.

“Listen, sorry about the other day-”

When she places a hand on his shoulder, he looks startled, “No problem. It’s okay. It was one of those days.”

“It surely was.”

The silence is comfortable, almost like the old times.

He’s always had that charm about him, Addison can see it even now. Despite he is clearly sad and under the weather, his eyes wear the same shine he must have been born with and his wonderful curls fall into waves. The broad shoulders, lyrical smile…

But it doesn’t work on Addison anymore, not even the smallest bit. If she looked further into her heart, she would see a blonde ponytail and messy bangs escaping it, blue eyes like the ocean she would jump into without a second beat and the petite body that always curls up into the smallest of positions like she tries to become as little as physically achievable. She would hear a raspy voice and that breathless laughter. But Addison is not thinking about her heart desires right now and is not taking a deeply insightful look into her soul. Instead, she is carefully watching her ex-husband and realising there is no more need inside of her to make him the enemy.

“Are you waiting to place a complaint about the board interview?” He asks playfully, trying to light up his face from the depression.

“I think I got over it,” Addison admits.

“Well, I didn’t.”

Both of them chuckle at the same time. She knows it’s not the same as it was, but it could be.

“I have a que-”

The door to the office opens and Miranda Bailey leaves it with a displeased expression, ignoring the two of them.

“We’ll talk later,” Addison says, rushing to go inside. “Okay?”

“Sure.”

Of course, she forgets there was any question from Derek after five seconds after closing the door and seeing Richard. She shouldn’t be nervous - he will give her those weeks off and he will let Meredith go with her. What stresses her out is trying to be as vague as possible, not letting herself slip one single word too much.

But then, he smiles at her, “Addison, what can I do for you?”

She smiles back and takes a seat on the left chair, just to not pace around the room like a maniac. Even more, when the blinds are up and people can peek inside.

“I need two weeks off.”

Clear and quick, without beating around the bush.

“Everyone is straightforward today, I see,” He says more to himself than to her. “It won’t be a problem, you’ve been working ever since you got here every time I needed you. With that exception for…”

“For drinking, yes,” Addison nods, remembering those dark moments. “But this time I’m not drinking,” Far from it, honestly… “I am okay. I just… need two weeks off.”

“Fine, of course,” Richard nods. “Starting tomorrow?”

“Would be just lovely.”

She nods and he looks at her like it’s her cue to leave now. Everything is settled, no uncomfortable questions were asked. Because that’s the easy part, she knows. The harder part starts now.

Richard raises his eyebrows and nods his head, waiting for her to stand up.

Addison, however, is rooted to the spot. Her fingers tap out a quick melody on the armrests and she opens her mouth and closes it something like five times.

“Addison?”

“Yes! Yes, sorry,” She shakes off the hesitation. “I also need two weeks off for Meredith Grey.”

It makes him sit up straighter in his black chair. He tilts his head, chin jutting as he scratches it, processing the words. His gaze is steady when he watches her and she tries not to squirm, every confidence she owns showing off - it’s Richard, after all, she shouldn’t be like this, but she needs as little questioning as possible.

“Did something happen to her? Is she okay? Does she…”

“Meredith is all safe and sound,” Addison instantly says to calm his fears. “But both of us know she is not ready to be back here all the time, and she is not okay most of the time. So, I thought that two weeks for her, too, would be good and she would have time to study for the intern test and I would keep an eye out for her.”

“All fourteen days?” He leans in. “You would keep her around all fourteen days?”

It does make her soft, how much he cares for the girl. It’s incredibly tough not to care about someone like Meredith, she has learned her own way. Downright impossible.

“Yes, all two weeks she would be with me,” Addison nods. “I promise.”

“I trust you, Addie,” He melts, finally and relaxes into his seat. “But you will be back before the intern test day, alright?”

“We’ll be back before that. I wouldn’t let her miss it.”

Richard nods again, thoughtfully looking at her, “So it’s settled then. I’m not supposed to ask what two of you are scheming, am I?”

“No.”

Addison’s short answer consequences in Richard’s rich laughter which might go beyond the door of this office. She smiles, feeling like her mission is accomplished - and she just cannot wait to tell Meredith they are leaving tomorrow.

“Have fun with… whatever you’re going to do.”

“Oh, I surely will!” Addison stands up and intertwines her fingers into one big fist and presses it to her chest. “Thank you so much. Thank you.”

She might as well be flying when she leaves the office, barely paying attention to Derek’s weird face when he sees her. Half an hour later, she has everything prepared after stealing off one of the nurses’ computers for her own business - she deletes the history and turns off the device.

Addison:
I booked two tickets for tomorrow morning. Pack your suitcase, I’ll pick you up at 5 a.m.

Meredith:
it’s happening?!?!?

Addison:
It’s happening:)

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated and i'm gonna love you forever for leaving a comment;)

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=de5f95f3e2574614

Chapter 12: take me away, a sweet escape

Notes:

i'm greeting you with the longest chapter so far, over 5k words!
new location! new characters! a lot of gay agenda between our girls!
as always, all the feedback warms my heart and i'm so grateful you still read my fanfic<3

hope you'll enjoy the first chapter of babyvacation;)

Natasha Bedingfield is streaming on the radio, the sun surrounds them from above the endless ocean and life is exquisitely simple yet beautiful. Wind flows from the front and messes with their hair, the red Porsche Addison rented speeds down the road and while she sings along to the song, Meredith is leaning outside her door, taking in the fresh air and closes her eyes, just to feel all of it. Every sensation is three times more powerful here - the Californian sun and the beaches they are passing by, people in swimsuits and summer clothes, how blue the sky is painted.

“Are you hungry?”

It takes raising her voice for Addison to be heard over the music and the wind. She taps Meredith’s hand and only then, she turns to her.

“Let’s get McDonald’s,” Meredith calls out to her and turns back to her side, taking in the view and swallowing the air.

The flight took almost three hours which Meredith spent snoring on Addison’s shoulder, while the redhead kept reading the chapter about intrauterine insemination and choosing the right donor in the book she bought last night. She might have been going slightly insane since she booked the flight and even if, she is allowed to do so.

She rented out the car when they arrived in LA and had it waiting in the parking in front of the airport.

And while Meredith was supposed to study all the way here, her materials and the file lay on her lap while she is catching the sunrays and making the best of it. Addison doesn’t mention the test, believing that Meredith is a sensible woman, who will start her study session after they are full and get a hotel room… Or Naomi lets them stay over.

Did Addison tell anyone she was coming? No. Is she supposed to? Probably.

When they get to the closest restaurant, she has to talk Meredith into eating inside and not going to the drive-through, given the last thing Addison wants is to have their gorgeous shiny car marked with greasy fingers. Besides, they should change their Seattle clothes into something more appropriate for the weather.

Their food arrives when Meredith is in the bathroom, changing. Addison begins to eat her fries and tries to recall when was the last time she’s eaten fast food when Meredith comes out and heads her way.

And Addison just gapes.

Meredith let her blonde hair down but didn’t brush them, consequencing in them falling in soft waves, giving her only more charm. She has a baby blue sundress, in a pattern of colourful yellow and orange flowers, that loosely fits around her waist but tightens at her chest. It shows off her pale legs that look quite stunning with the brown sandals on her feet. She looks like someone who’s been around here for a long time, like this sunshine and summer is what Meredith greets every day. She looks flawless.

“We got our food!” She says happily when she finally reaches their table. “Amazing. I’m starving.”

Still, Addison finds herself speechless.

“Are you okay?” She asks, stopping the hamburger a centimetre from her mouth. “Is your food okay?”

“Yeah,” Addison shakes off the odd feeling. “It’s good. I just think I’m too hot here, I should go change now.”

Without a word, she abandons her fries and untouched chicken sandwich and takes her big bag with her, stuffed with the spare clothes. She has no idea what the hell just happened, so she only focuses on taking off her pencil skirt and long-sleeved blouse and replacing it with a tight black dress with a deep neckline and thick straps instead of sleeves. She lets her hair down, as well, straight and shining and then, slaps herself mentally not to act like that.

Whatever like that means.

Back to the table, she doesn’t even realise that Meredith has been staring at her the same way she stared at the blonde five minutes earlier.

“Did you touch my fries?” She asks, furrowing her eyebrows together and sending a glare at Meredith who freezes at the question.

“I did not,” She says, mumbling as her mouth is filled with Addison’s fries.

“Mhm,” Addison bites back a chuckle. “I see.”

“You don’t see anything.”

“I’ll have my revenge, you know. I’m a woman who likes revenge when it has to be done, and I see an opportunity here.”

“Remember when you hung my panties on the wall in the hospital?”

Addison almost spits out food from her mouth, choking until Meredith hands her the coke. She takes big gulps while Meredith smirks at her with a delighted expression.

“That was a good revenge, I must admit,” Meredith says.

“I don’t even know how to comment on that.”

“Just admit it was a good revenge.”

“Sweetheart, obviously it was a good revenge given it was mine.”

The pet name leaves Meredith flustered and works just like Addison hoped it would; they finally leave that topic. Quite frankly, she hopes she didn’t look as uncomfortable as she felt, since that wasn’t one of her proudest moments. Good revenge or not, she was under the influence of such strong feelings, the betrayal bursting through the flames of her blood and she understands why she did what she did. There is something incredibly appealing about holding Meredith Grey’s black lacy panties in her hands now when she looks back at it, however, she does not feel proud. Addison doesn’t let that be seen, but some part of her regrets it now when Meredith’s cheeks turn bloody red and she stares down at the food between them.

The tension dissolves soon after their rich-in-vitamins breakfast is finished and they’re back in the car, the direction now to their main place of interest.

“Do you want me to come inside with you?” Meredith asks as they reach the right neighbourhood. “They’re your friends, after all. I wouldn’t want to…”

“Hey,” Addison glances at her before placing her eyes on the road. “You decided to go with me, then I’m taking you everywhere. You ain’t escaping from this, Grey.”

“Fine,” Meredith raises her hands as a sign of surrender. “Fine. I brought it onto me myself.”

It makes Addison smile.

She made a promise, after all, to not let her out of her sight. She does realise Meredith is quite sneaky and way too good at disappearing in some moments, but she will try her best and even if she doesn’t see her, it cannot last more than five minutes. Five minutes is reasonable, isn’t it?

They head towards the big building with Oceanside Wellness Group title in white font, crossing the street, side by side. Addison feels her heart skipping a bit when they enter the building and are shown to go to the elevator across the entrance. They step inside and the wooden door begins closing before a man runs towards it and stops it with his hand, jumping at the last moment.

Then, the door closes.

Addison suddenly is reminded of all the weird moments in the elevator at Seattle Grace. She steals a glance at Meredith who is already looking at her with an amused smile on her lips.

“Are you thinking about the same thing?”

One question sends them over the edge and they burst out into laughter. It makes the strange man look at them surprised, clearly judging them but neither of them focuses on that. Meredith is the first to straighten her back and try to gather composure when she remembers the presence of someone else, but Addison takes a longer moment. It ends up with Meredith elbowing her to stop and Addison catches her forearm in that friendly manner like they’ve been friends for much longer. It feels so familiar.

“Sorry,” Addison says to the man. “It’s just… where we come from elevators are this kind of… aphrodisiac.”

Meredith wants to facepalm.

“Please don’t listen to her,” She cuts in. “She is insane.”

That makes him laugh and he shakes his head, walking out just as the elevator arrives.

Addison is the second person to step outside and Meredith follows her. It’s a special moment to watch Addison look around the place, her eyes willing to find a familiar face; the redhead laughs out loud one moment when they come across an image of some book called Body Language and Addison reaches her hand out to touch it, in awe.

But she pulls away and approaches the boy behind the counter to ask about the address when she looks aside and completely forgets it.

“Maya?”

The black girl sitting on one of the armchairs in the waiting room looks up and smiles startled, “Addison?”

“Oh my God, you got so big,” Addison forgets about the questions and instantly comes towards the girl. Meredith follows her politely. “What are you, 45 now?”

“Maya, you’re going to be late-”

A woman storms from one of the offices and halts when she sees Addison, wide-eyed and mouth parted halfway through the sentence.

“Naomi!” Addison says, grinning and goes to hug the woman. She seems truly excited to see her and when she steps back from the embrace, Naomi is clearly not as delighted as the other woman. “Long time, no see.”

“Addison,” Naomi looks past her and her gaze passes by Meredith, whose sight only deepens the furrow between her eyebrows. “What are you doing here?”

“I missed you,” Addison shrugs and brushes back a strand of her hair.

“We haven’t talked for a year,” Naomi keeps her defensive posture. “I emailed you, I texted you, I called you-”

“I’ve had a tough year,” Addison says. “I’ve got divorced-”

“Well, me too.”

“Oh my God, you- and Sam?” She says and is ready to plunge into the topic if she didn’t remind herself Meredith is somewhere behind her, probably awkward and unsure, so she clears her throat and turns them, gesturing her hand for Meredith to come closer. “Okay, this is Meredith, she is my-”

“That Meredith?” Naomi asks, her eyebrows raised almost to her hairline.

“Well, the news travels fast on the west coast apparently,” Meredith smiles at a push and reaches out her hand. “Meredith Grey.”

Naomi collects herself and shakes her hand, “Naomi Bennett.”

“Nice to meet you,” Meredith nods her head.

All Addison wants to do is make sure she is alright but Meredith looks up at her and she smiles, this time truly, just to reassure her without any words.

“Addison?”

Meredith recognizes the man as the author of the book they’ve just seen and Addison rushes just to hug him tightly as a greeting. Before however, they can fall into a conversation, Naomi steps in and catches Addison’s hand, pulling her away, “If you excuse us.” And just steals her away, stranding Meredith to somehow make the best of the situation.

“Hi,” She reaches out her hand to Sam, ignoring his confused face. “I’m Addison’s friend, Meredith Grey.”

“Sam Bennett ” They shake their hands. “You came with Addison…? Aren’t you the-”

“Yep, I am just that Meredith Grey,” She laughs awkwardly, suddenly regretting not staying in that goddamn fancy car and soaking in the blessed sunrays, which would finally make her a bit tan after this vampire paleness she couldn’t get rid of since the accident. “I didn’t know I would be famous even here, in LA.”

He laughs at her, but he is not mean or threatening like his ex-wife, who just fucking stole Meredith’s emotional support person. Before they have to dive deeper into this weird conversation, her phone begins to ring and she smiles apologetically, taking it out of her purse and stepping towards the couches to sit down on one and pick the call up.

“Meredith, mama and my mother are here.”

“What?”

“Burke’s mother came here and claims we are going to have a big wedding and a reception. Where the hell are you? I’m in front of your house.”

“I’m not home.”

“What do you mean you’re not home?”

“I’m in California.”

“What?” It’s almost a screech, which makes Meredith burst out laughing way too loud in this building.

“I’m on vacation.”

“Are you shitting me? I thought Izzie was joking.”

“She was not. Richard send me on vacation.”

“You are fucked in the head. Better even tell me you’re there with Satan, then I will believe you for sure.”

“Addison is not Satan.”

“Oh my God, you’re on a vacation in California with Ruler of All That’s Evil. I can’t do this today.”

Just like that, she hangs up.

---

Addison takes one quick look back just to see Meredith shaking hands with Sam when Naomi slams the door and pulls her inside the room. She circles around her desk and sits down, waiting for Addison to follow in her lead. So she does, sitting down and smiling at her friend.

“Why are you here?”

“I missed you, I meant it,” Addison says and tilts her head.

Naomi rolls her eyes and for a split second, she looks exactly like she did back in their student years. She leans over her desk and stares right through Addison’s soul, “Why are you here?”

Addison takes a big breath and gains the courage to tell a second person about her plans, “You’re a fertility specialist. The best one I know.”

It makes Naomi lean back into her chair, “You want to have a baby?”

“I do.”

“So what is Derek’s girlfriend doing here with you?” Naomi raises an eyebrow, accusingly. “First his best friend, now his girlfriend?”

Many questions appear in Addison’s head, mostly how much her old friends know about what went down first in New York, then in Seattle. But it would be jumping into the deep end to even begin any of those topics and Addison hasn’t come to LA to have her past unburied again. She is here to make her dream come true, to find the first steps of her pregnancy journey and to help Meredith heal from the wounds that won’t close for a long time, even if stitches are involved. It’s a vacation.

Trashy novels, going on the beach, watching the surfers, driving around the town in the red Porsche with sunglasses on and relaxing. For Meredith more studying, but either way, they aren’t here for people to judge them. LA in Addison’s head might be a bit dreamy place, romanticized by books and movies, but she can make it whatever she wants it to be.

Don’t ask her where did she find positive thinking and wishful thinking. Something has just possessed her for a while. She does think it might last longer if she tries to stay on the sunny side of the road.

But the vacation part must wait. She needs to argue with Naomi for a bit more.

“Listen, she is a great girl and- Wait. Are you thinking I’m with Meredith?” Addison hates how her breath hitches with the question.

“You come here storming that you want a baby, which I am assuming you’re looking for a donor, with that blonde girl following you like a puppy and she is looking at you like you could be the God himself,” Naomi throws her words like bullets and Addison almost doesn’t keep up with this disquisition. “It’s quite easy to put together, Addison.”

“Meredith is my friend!”

“So you’re taking your friend to accompany you getting pregnant?”

“Yes. It is not weird. She is supportive, okay? She is… She has been here for me for some time now and she doesn’t even realise,” Addison wants to protect Grey with everything she has, hating the idea that she would be judged here wrongly just like she was judged when it turned McDreamy has a wife. “Please, don’t be like that towards her. She is a good person and she has been through hell, so I hoped this trip to LA could ease her mind.”

“You’re girlfriends.”

“Girls who are friends.”

Once again, Naomi rolls her eyes like she is a teenager again. Ten minutes with Addison Montgomery in one room and she feels twenty years younger. Supercuts of night walks around the city and partying and study sessions and pining after dumb boys flash through her mind and she softens just a bit. Things might be rough now between them, after their friendship was neglected, but it’s her Addison, after all. Someone she named a best friend and called with every minor inconvenience and the first person she told she was pregnant, even before her own husband.

She can be mad, she has every right to do so. But Addison is taking a big step in her life (besides her bisexual awakening, which doesn’t even realise she is having - Naomi has always known Addison liked girls, but that’s a topic for a different day) and she has to be by her side. Hell, Addison came to her, counting on support, so of course, Naomi has to give in.

“Fine,” She nods. “I need to take you for a couple of tests before we proceed further.”

Addison almost squeals and her grin is so big it could light up the whole city after dark.

“Thank you,” She says, getting more serious for her words to come through. Her heart is in this, meaningful to the bone. “Thank you.”

Naomi shrugs and gets up. As the both of them leave the office, Naomi tells her a bit about all the specialists they have, Violet, Pete and Cooper and ends up making a half-offering, saying there is one room empty and ready to hire a new doctor, but Addison’s eyes find Meredith sitting where Maya was sitting previously, reading some magazines.

If it wasn’t for how white and pale she was, she could believe that Meredith was from around here, her blonde hair matching the women surfers. The sundress as well looks like she is just another client here, waiting to go to the beach later.

“Nah,” Addison says to Naomi, still staring at the waiting room. “I have to come back. I can’t leave Seattle, not now.”

It’s lucky she doesn’t see Naomi’s expression because it would end up as another argument between the two of them. She doesn’t want to fight in front of Meredith and Naomi apparently is learning to respect that.

“Okay, let’s get your blood test first, shall we?” Naomi says.

“Let me get Meredith,” Addison says and without more waiting heads to the blonde.

Meredith looks up, hearing footsteps and grins, “Is everything okay? Your best friend is kinda scaring me,” She whispers, realising she acts silly and embracing it. “She is looking at me like she wants to kill me.”

“That’s how Naomi is,” Addison laughs. “I’m going to get my blood test. And I’ve already let you out of my sight for too long, so you’re coming with me.”

“Alright, boss.”

“Good girl.”

It’s the third time Addison ever calls her that and Meredith still falters a bit, yet she gathers herself with a smirk, “It’s gonna be our thing, isn’t it?”

“It already is.”

They follow Naomi down the hallway. She leads them to a private room where she does the blood collection and talks about the next steps she will have to take, firstly run some other tests, including FSH, estradiol levels and antral follicle count. Addison tries to talk her into doing all of it today but Naomi sends them off, telling them she has consults and meetings, so they give it up for today.

“We have whole two weeks,” Meredith tells her when Addison has trouble letting go. “You don’t have to hurry. Don’t worry.”

Naomi expects Addison to fight back but she only sheepishly looks at that Grey girl and nods. She has a hard time believing what she’s seeing, yet there Addison is, being meek and softened by her ex-husband’s girlfriend.

They begin talking about what hotel to rent when Naomi stops them right away. Instead, it’s not even a proposition, she just states they must stay at her house and ask them to meet up in front of the building around seven, so she can take them home with her. Meredith is not the most excited about that but she agrees just to make Addison smile and as comfortable as possible through this important moment of her life.

Before they can meet the rest of the staff, some big drama happens with the patients.

Usually, both of them would run towards it, toward the screaming and throwing plates and fighting men, but Addison halts before they run after Naomi, Sam and their coworkers.

“It’s not our business,” She says.

Meredith looks at her thoughtfully, “It really isn’t. Let’s go greet the ocean.”

---

Taking off their shoes at the edge of the pavement, they jump on the hot sand. Addison hisses and Meredith jumps from foot to foot, making the redhead laugh. Quickly, they move towards the shore, passing people who are laying on towels or talking, playing volleyball further on the left and simply, resting.

As doctors, rest is something not close to their hearts. So, being surrounded by people chilling and looking like there is no care in the world, Meredith and Addison feel slightly out of place. But when Addison slows down her walk, Meredith pulls her by the elbow not to get under those dark thoughts that seem to be following them since they’ve escaped Seattle.

It does feel like an escape from those rainy clouds and dark days. Meredith feels different here like the place is healing her in places she hasn’t realised she is broken.

That is until she stops a meter away from the ocean and sees the power of the water.

She remembers then.

She can see herself breaking through the surface and just treading water there for a moment, staring blankly ahead of her until she thought what’s the point? She remembers when she opened her mouth and stopped blocking the water from flowing into her nose. She remembers her lungs feeling like she was on fire, and how overcoming the sensation was. And the worst part of it all is knowing she did it on purpose. She tried to kill herself and succeeded for a couple of hours. She had a suicidal attempt and only Derek knew why and got her to confess.

Meredith doesn’t acknowledge she’s started to shake, just like in the hospital bed.

“I’m here.”

A warm hand in hers and an arm around her waist are what break her through the flashbacks.

“You’re not alone, Meredith. I’m with you. You’re not in the water.”

Addison holds her from behind and has her chin resting on her shoulder.

Meredith wipes off one treacherous tear from her cheek and sighs.

“Can we come back another day?” Her question is painfully quiet.

“Of course,” Addison steps away. “I’ve got an idea.”

She holds Meredith’s hand all through their way from the beach to their car and even then, when she doesn’t have to use the gearbox, she keeps her touch as a constant way to keep Meredith present in the moment. They don’t talk, don’t have to - if Meredith would want to, she would speak up.

Addison takes her to some trashy bookstore with more porn than ever Meredith saw in her whole life. There are naked abs on the covers everywhere and despite Meredith’s gaze lingering over the ones where women are in bikinis or lace, she stays on the male side. Her eyes almost fall out of their sockets when Addison ignores every toned male stomach and heads straight for some blonde girl wearing a violet bikini and picks it up.

“Looks nice,” She waves the book around with a smirk.

“How do you even know about this place?” Meredith asks and chooses some tawdry novel about a love triangle involving two professional boxers and a perfect model. She could use something brainless between moments when she will be studying.

“I asked Sam before we left,” She shrugs with a proud smile. “I know he always used to buy lots of those,” She points to the other side of the store, where adult magazines and literal porn is stored. “Back in the uni, so I guessed he must have a spot in LA, as well. All men are the same.”

“Maybe you should buy Mark something,” Meredith laughs.

However, Addison’s expression gets clouded at the mention of Sloan. She doesn’t answer but turns to search through more of the books and Meredith feels like an idiot bringing him up. Clearly, something went down about it but she still remembers Mark saying he is not with Addison yet; she should have realised not to speak about that given Addison is right now planning to start a family on her own.

“McMen suck,” Addison says, with her back turned to Meredith. “Hopefully those in the novels will be better.”

At seven they drive back to the practice to meet up with Naomi. She drives her car and they follow her through the town until they arrive at a big house, built right on the edge of the beach and Meredith must say she is quite charmed by this type of location. She imagines waking up and the first thing seeing is the beach and the ocean, and if it wasn’t for her reluctance to the water now, that would be just perfect. She wonders if it doesn’t get too old when you live here forever.

Turns out Naomi has only one guest bedroom and they have a big quarrel about who is sleeping where, but Meredith swears if Addison doesn’t get her ass into the bedroom, she will sleep in the car. So, this way, she ends up to be taking the sofa in the living room, but she keeps her clothes and belongings in Addison’s guest bedroom. Neither of them notices how Naomi observes them carefully when they fight.

When they unpack and freshen up after the day of travels, Naomi waits for them in her kitchen. Three tall glasses are ready, along with a bottle of red wine opened, freshly taken out of the fridge.

“I thought you would like to search through some sperm donors,” Noami says as Addison sits down on a stool right in front of the booklet.

Meredith stays by the entrance, resting against the wall and thanking for the cold drink. She’s never been a wine kind of girl but she knows Addison adores it, and apparently, Naomi does too. With a quick glance around the kitchen, Meredith must admit the place looks good - white furniture and modern equipment, two big lamps hanging over the kitchen island pull it all together. It has an entirely different feeling than Meredith’s kitchen back home. It makes her think, what kind of house Addison had in New York? Was it modern or more classic? Was it all white or leaned towards greys? There is a picture in her head and she wonders how far away from the truth it is.

“Okay, this guy is six-two, dark hair, green eyes, totally healthy,” Addison says when she stops paging through. “He plays the violin and he’s a physicist. That is good sperm.”

“Geeky,” Meredith says playfully and gets a funny look from Addison. She even makes Naomi snort.

“Oh! What about this guy? He’s a marine biologist,” Addison taps the page. “Good hair.”

“Are you sure you wanna do this?”

Naomi’s slow and serious question makes both Addison and Meredith look up.

“Your life is really gonna change.”

Addison stands up from her stool and steps towards Naomi, holding her glass and twirling the wine inside with steady motions, “That’s why I’m doing this. I want my life to change,” On her way, she stops by the bottle and pours some more. “I need my life to change.”

Before the conversation can blossom more seriously, Meredith takes it as her cue to leave. Just as Addison continues her dilatation about family and doing the wrong thing, as well as doing the right thing and facing the problems her old best friend has been going through, she tiptoes outside to the living room. She makes her way by the seat of her pants, finding the door to the porch that’s on the other side than the main entrance.

She walks onto the creme wood panels and rests her forearms against the railing. From a distance, the ocean looks beautiful and she is far enough to feel safe; the sound of waves hitting the shore calms her down and soon, it synchronizes with her heartbeat.

When she looks to her left, she realises there is a window that’s going out exactly to the kitchen. Perhaps she is being creepy, but she watches Addison and Naomi’s conversation. They exchange words faster and faster until it comes to catharsis. But finally, Naomi cracks a smile and Addison grins and any misunderstanding is solved.

Meredith turns back to watch the sunset.

It’s a double sundown, the oranges and the redness reflecting in the water and God, when was the last time she watched the sun come down by the water? It’s been years.

“Sleep time?”

Addison steps out on the porch and stands by Meredith’s right side, mirroring her position as the last of sunrays disappear on the horizon.

“I’m exhausted,” Meredith says. “Definitely sleep time.”

The first thought that crosses her mind, though, is how good Addison looks in her brown shirt and long black trousers. She shakes it off instantly.

“I almost got us thrown on the streets,” She laughs. “But Naomi has a tendency to forgive me for the dumbest of things.”

“It’s hard not to.”

“What?”

“I’ve always wondered how the hell Derek didn’t give in and forgive you the first second you came and apologized. For me, I just cannot grasp it.”

“What are you talking about?”

Meredith rolls her eyes at the confused face she makes.

“Addie, you are a walking perfection,” She is definitely going too far. “I can’t believe someone in their right mind could ever stay mad at you.”

“That’s about the dumbest thing I’ve heard about myself,” Addison says with a tone that tells her not to press it.

“Stay delusional, then,” Meredith says.

But there is that ease in the air between them.

“You’re a pain in my ass, Grey.”

She pushes herself off the railing and heads to the door as Meredith follows her. She might be a pain in her ass and she will not stop; there is something endearing about the thought of how soft their friendship is growing, even when they are taunting each other. LA has that charm that makes their relationship look glowy in Meredith’s eyes.

Notes:

comments and kudos fix my destroyed mental health!!
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=cfe9654e95ec4cdb

see you next week:)

Chapter 13: if i could map out all the ways to make it right

Notes:

hi guys!!!
i want to thank you for 400 kudos. THIS IS CRAZY. 400 KUDOS??????? THANK YOU SO MUCH.
i barely can't believe how much attention and feedback this fanfic is getting and it is only making my love for the story to grow (recently i hit 125k words and over 35 chapters so you got a big storm coming;) )
today's chapter we are still in sunny california and our couple of BesTieS are still in denial they are gfs. because they literally are gfs.
also, i have no knowledge about fertility and the process of fertilization and i tried to make as much research as i could, but please don't take anything seriously because i am FAR far away from being a medical specialist.

hope you'll enjoy the first chapter of april:)

Let’s get one thing straight - Meredith is bad at doing what she was supposed to do.

Starting with the fact she was supposed to be straight and ended up being a secret admirer of women, hating herself every time she felt like the air was kicked out of her lungs at a sight of a beautiful woman. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg of her insanity.

Another thing, Addison told her to stay in the corridor and wait for her while Naomi ran the last of the required tests. But Meredith is restless, wide awake despite they had to get up before eight to drive to the practice. It’s early, she’s drunk an iced coffee on their way and she cannot stay put in her seat.

She promises herself to come back quickly, just take a look around the building and snoop through things that surely don’t involve her. It’s a straight way from the corridor into the waiting room, just where she was left yesterday; too tired before, but now she has the energy to take in the room. Her eyes fall on the only one open door to the offices, so forgetting the rest, she walks over there, ignoring the handsome boy behind the counter.

Standing in the doorway, she leans in, peeking into the office.

It’s quite neat, furnished in a set of dark-wooden pieces, a couple of plants standing around and the curtains pushed aside to let the Californian sunshine in. They don’t have fancy rooms like this for the employees in Seattle Grace - there is rather much chaos and rush, no time to sit around locked up and go through documents or cases.

“Excuse me?”

Meredith jumps, startled. She turns around in a flash, probably making her worst guilty face at the man who stands right behind her.

“Oh, God, sorry,” She leans back, against the doorframe and bites her bottom lip.

“Are you a patient? Do you have a consult?”

He must be one of the specialists and she is trying to remember the names Naomi said yesterday, but there is a blank space in her mind. Standing with two hands in the pockets of his black trousers, his sleeves cuffed, there is still a drop of sweat collecting on his high forehead; despite the air conditioning, the temperature is still high.

“No, no,” She shakes her head. “I was just looking around. I’m Meredith, I came with A-”

“You’re Addison’s girlfriend?” When she only says her name, his eyes light up with understanding.

Incorrect understanding.

“What?”

“Sorry,” He takes a step back. “I’m Cooper,” Then, he shakes her head and Meredith has that odd thought that she cannot recall the last time she’s been meeting so many people in this short span of time. “The paediatrician of Oceanside Wellness.”

“Hi,” She chuckles awkwardly, suddenly aware of standing like an obstacle between Cooper and his office. “Nice to meet you.”

Then, her eyes go from his face to the man behind him, strolling towards his associate.

“Cooper! Good to-” Then, he stops a couple of meters away when his eyes find Meredith. “Oh, it’s the crazy woman from the elevator. Is she one of your internet dates?”

“My name is Meredith.”

Somehow, that makes it even worse.

Pete, because suddenly she remembers his name and guesses that must be the ass Naomi talked about when they were leaving the practice, sighs like he remembers something and looks at her with recognition. For what? Meredith doesn’t know but she doesn’t have to wait for ten seconds more to find out and cringe, as well as panic, inside.

“Ohhhh,” He nods. “Addison’s girlfriend.”

That makes her push off the frame and take three steps towards him, eyes furrowed and trying to get her tone scary, “Why do you people keep saying that?” She puts her hands on her hips and believes she looks quite threatening. If you only ignore her height in her cute sandals.

But neither of the men appears to be in distress and only shrugs at her question.

Something here is happening and she cannot put her finger on who began the gossip and for fuck’s sake - she is almost two thousand kilometres from goddamn Seattle, but apparently talking shit about people is in fashion in every medical institute. Perhaps it’s just a characteristic all doctors hold together when they want to wind down from the stress and the highs of adrenaline. Either way, she wants to kick someone’s ass.

It’s either Naomi or Sam. One of them and she can’t just walk into their office and say they suck and should keep their noses out of her business. Not because there is something wrong with Addison, dear God, no. Addison is perfect. The sweetest human being walking this Earth who wants to bring a new life into the world and be the best mum in the world and Meredith would never mind someone thinking that Addison would be ever interested in someone so mediocre and ordinary like her.

The problem starts with the fact that people are connecting her with being in a relationship with a woman. She is not ready for someone to say this, she is not ready to be perceived as a queer person, she is not ready. It has effects with a lump in her throat and heartbeat echoing in her ears so loudly she cannot hear her conversers.

“I already can’t stand Los Angeles men,” She says and pushes through between the two of them, wanting to walk away.

“You look like you could use some relaxation,” Pete says.

She turns on her heels, hands pressed together in small fists, “ Like hell I could!”

Hard to tell, how Meredith ends up agreeing to go with Pete into his office and then enter the room connected to his, where he tells her to lay down on a mattress while he prepares her for whatever the hell he is planning. She keeps on ranting, saying straight to his face that he is annoying and that because of men like him (that’s when Derek’s face appears in her head) she needs to relax, while he keeps nodding and agreeing with her, which only makes it worse.

It turns out, he treats her with acupuncture.

“Ow!” She hisses when the first needle gets into her forehead.

“Loosen up.”

“I’m trying,” Meredith says through gritted teeth.

“Not enough.”

There is an enormous list of unfavourable ugly words she could name him within one second, yet she decides to listen and actually try. He warns her she might feel a wave of emotions come like a tide over her and she doesn’t comment on it, because there is a whole damn storm inside of her every day she wakes up. And suddenly, the tense muscles in her body soften when he keeps sticking needles in her face.

She hums, appreciatively, completely forgetting the fact that she was supposed to come back for Addison.

---

“The results should come back later today, so I’ll let you know,” Naomi says while Addison adjusts her blue dress and fixes her half-updo.

They step outside the room and Addison frowns when she sees no one is waiting there. She promised to not let Meredith out of her sight and here she is, day two and has already lost the blonde.

“It’s a small place,” Naomi squeezes her forearm. “She must be somewhere around.”

Parting their ways, Naomi leaves for a consult she has on her schedule and Addison heads the other way of the corridor to the waiting room. But even when she arrives, Meredith is not there and she feels her head get dizzy as she is trying not to give into panic. Nothing bad has happened, she just… well, disappeared.

She will go crazy. Richard will kill her if she doesn’t do it herself first.

No. Stop.

That’s when Cooper opens the door to his office and she decides asking anyone might be better than just standing in the middle of the room, looking like an idiot.

“Hi, sorry,” She approaches him just when he passes by the front desk. “Have you seen a blonde woman-”

“Meredith?” He catches up instantly. “She’s run off with Pete to do some relaxation.” There is a smirk on his lips and all she wants to do is smack it off his face.

It physically hurts her to think of Meredith running around with some cute hippy boy and she stops herself from groaning. Why does she mind so much? Meredith is allowed to… do whatever… with whoever she wants… It’s just, she is so fragile and so delicate, without even realising it, and Addison wants to protect her from idle men. This vacation, besides the baby mission, is all about healing. Not about sleeping around in Addison’s best friend’s facility.

She finds Pete’s office instantly and when he doesn’t answer the knocking, she decides to storm in anyways.

Pulling the door open, she is met with an empty room but there are waves of laughter that echo from the room, to which the door is on the left. The laughter of three voices only makes her burn up brighter - should calm her, though, she is not expecting doctors to be having a threesome here, but she just. Okay, she might be going slightly insane.

Closing the door behind her, she knocks on the other one.

“Come in!”

She inhales and peeks inside.

Meredith is laying on a bed, while Pete is standing above her head, slowly removing needles. Sam turns out to be the third person, accompanying them while standing close to the door. Only when she walks inside, Addison notices tears streaming down Meredith’s face.

“Are you alright?” She instantly rushes inside.

But that only makes Meredith… laugh. She bursts out laughing and tears spring from her eyes; she raises her hand in what’s supposed a calming manner but it shakes so badly, it falls back onto her chest.

Sam and Pete laugh, too, at her.

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“Pete…” Meredith takes a deep breath, trying not to give in to the laughter again. “Is releasing my hidden emotions through acupuncture.”

“And it’s working perfectly,” Sam chuckles. “My job is done here.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Pete tells him just as he takes off the last needle.

“I had my share of laughter,” He says and then leans to Addison to give her a kiss on the cheek. “Hi, Addie.”

Just like that he leaves, seemingly in a great mood.

Meredith sits up and Addison sees red when Pete helps her up, his hand on the small of her back. However, he notices her gaze and takes his hand like scalded, “Sorry. It’s your girl, I know.”

“My-” She only feels worse, swearing that today is not her day for sure. “You know what? I’m just going to ignore you from now on.”

Waiting for Meredith to gather herself and wipe the tears away, she doesn’t give Pete another look. He seems to enjoy that, bad for him because he is only going higher on her list for people to kick their ass, or perhaps even kill. She knows her ways how to get away with murder after so many years of working in a field that’s sometimes connected with police cases.

She had the plan to stick around the practice for longer, but now, all she wants to do is get away from there. That’s what she does and Meredith follows.

---

Instead of going out and sightseeing or going to the beach, they remain inside Naomi’s airy and cool house, ordering Chinese takeout for lunch and laying in the living room. She has a big corner beige sofa which can be spread out, so they do that and Addison watches the TV but it takes a lot of Meredith’s encouragement for her to play one of those reality shows that she is ashamed to watch. And while Addison finally opens up and decides she can watch them in Meredith’s presence, Grey is busy with her notes and flashcards for the intern test.

She repeats some of the phrases out loud and doesn’t manage to catch Addison looking at her with the softest of gazes. Sometimes, she cuts in and fixes a mistake or helps her out, but tries to be respectful enough not to disturb her too much in the study session.

From time to time, she brings over a fresh glass of water or juice along with a snack when Meredith forgets about drinking for too long. The TV plays in the background when Addison feels herself slipping away. Somehow, she falls asleep, head tilted on the armrest and her feet stretched out into Meredith’s lap.

She awakens almost two hours later, when the Sun has changed its position and is creeping through the windows and she is covered with a thin blanket, Meredith is gone. But the blonde appears right away, changed into jean shorts and a loose white T-shirt.

“Hi, sleepyhead,” She smiles and flops on the couch. “Naomi came back earlier, she said she has your test results.”

“Shit,” Addison sits up too quickly and feels her head pounding.

“Hey, take it slow,” Meredith instantly reaches out to her and catches her wrist. “I think things are okay, she didn’t look worried.”

Addison takes her time and sips on the water before standing up and guessing her host must be upstairs as she doesn’t see anyone in the kitchen or the living room, as well. She finds Naomi in her bedroom, going through her wardrobe, folding things and throwing some of the items onto the bed.

“Hi,” She says, stepping into the room.

“Addie,” Naomi smiles. “Guess Meredith sent you in?”

“Yep,” Addison nods and intertwines her fingers together, nervously wobbling on her heels, back and forth. “So?”

“Your FSH level is a bit high, but nothing to be worried about,” Naomi says while pulling out a white shirt. “And your antral follicle count is nine. I ran some additional tests to make sure of it, but there is fertility potential here.”

She hasn’t realised how badly she was stressed by finding out suddenly she can’t have kids anymore, of something fucking up this dream of her. Life has a way of always getting in and ruining everything she ever wanted in life, yet here she is, hearing the words she prayed for ever since she confessed to Meredith, back that evening on the wooden swing.

With disbelief, Addison clasps her hands together, chuckling and then, covering her mouth.

“Oh my God,” She laughs again. “It’s real, isn’t it? It can happen.”

And Naomi drops her serious cold facade and laughs with her, nodding her head, “It can and it will happen if we only proceed further.”

“Of course, we’re proceeding further!”

Her best friend approaches her and Addison almost jumps onto her, hugging her tightly. There is such relief inside of her.

“Sorry, I couldn’t wait,” She hears a voice behind her back. “So, how are the tests?”

Naomi lets go of her and Addison turns with a grin on her lips and shining stars in her eyes to Meredith, who lingers in the doorway.

“There is fertility potential. I can get pregnant.”

“Addie, that is amazing!”

And they hug, too, way too short for both of their tastes but they don’t want to make it weird in front of Bennett. When they are alone, they are much touchier than other people, but now, they find it somehow crucial to keep it as normal as possible, given they are called girlfriends by the Oceanwellness workers.

“Let me get this mess sorted out and I’ll meet you downstairs to tell you what’s next.”

Meredith and Addison wait in the living room. They clean up after their snacks and drinks, Meredith collects her textbooks and puts them on the side and they fold the couch back in.

Naomi eventually comes downstairs and sits on the armchair while the two of them stay on the couch.

“I know you would love to do everything through these two weeks, but unfortunately we will have to take a bit of a long road,” Naomi starts off and tries not to soften when Addison’s face fades a bit. “Given your oestrous cycle, first we will stimulate the growth and the maturation of your eggs for two weeks, so basically as long as you’re here. Through this time, you are supposed to have brief ultrasounds every three days to see how the injections are working on the egg development and the ovaries. When you came back to Seattle, you will have to come back after a week here for two days. On the first day, you will get a “trigger shot” which will cause ovulation within 36 hours. Then, on the second day, the insemination procedure will happen. You can come back home and after another two weeks, you can take the first pregnancy test.”

“Okay,” Addison nods, taking everything in. “Okay. That sounds good. So it will take a month?”

“Around a month, yes,” Naomi says. “I decided to make sure that everything is not rushed, not because I don’t trust your judgement,” She sends her a look and it makes Addison chuckle. “But because the FSH level is just a bit too high and I don’t want to push our luck here.”

“That sounds reasonable,” Meredith says and places a hand on Addison’s lap. “Right?”

“Yeah,” Addison nods and puts her hand over Meredith’s, not even realising, just a habit of hers she’s developed recently. “It’s happening.”

“Now, go choose a donor,” Naomi says with a smile. “Or maybe don’t do it right now, you’re way too emotional. Do it tomorrow.”

Addison laughs and if Meredith could only bottle up this sound… So honest and so real, so full of happiness.

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

---

Despite all the excitement rushing inside of her, Addison falls asleep with ease, early into the night. Something awakens her in the middle of the night and she feels how her throat is dry; cursing herself for not bringing water upstairs, she crawls out from the heavy bedsheets and makes her way down the stairs. She tries to be quiet, not to awaken her host or Meredith, but to a surprise she finds Grey sitting crouched on the floor with her notes scattered all around her.

“What are you doing?” Addison whispers at the bottom of the stairs.

Meredith turns back, “Finding out what are the signs of central line infection,” She picks up a heavy textbook and waves it in the air.

“Pus, redness and fever.”

One peek into the notes and Meredith nods, “Exactly, Doctor Montgomery.”

Addison takes a look at the clock in the living room, “It’s 2 a.m..”

She comes closer to Meredith to look around at the mess she made, notes written in cursive writing. Only when her eyes land on the blonde, that’s when she notices the shaking in her hands and shivers running down her spine. It’s to the point where it’s visible to Addison from a certain distance.

The living room is warm, despite the temperature having dropped in the night. But it’s warm enough.

“Why didn’t you come to me?”

Meredith turns back to her papers, her guilty gaze escaping Addison’s.

“It’s 2 a.m.,” The cheeky answer makes Addison roll her eyes, but she is far from annoyed. She is worried.

Without a word, she leaves to the kitchen and after pouring herself a tall glass of water, she is back. Standing above Meredith, she speaks up, “Come with me. Leave those textbooks, we will clean them up tomorrow. You clearly need to rest.”

“I need to pass my test first.”

“I’ll study with you tomorrow,” Addison moves her foot and kicks Meredith’s side gently. “C’mon.”

It takes a moment of thinking for Meredith to give in. But she finally stands up and on their way to the stairs, she turns off the light, covering them in darkness. Only when they enter Addison’s guest bedroom, the moonlight sinks into the panels and lights up the surroundings.

First, Addison crawls under the sheets and holds them up for Meredith to settle right behind her. Taking a moment of hesitation, Meredith breaks through and turns on her left side, facing Addison’s back. She knows she needs human touch and warmth and if she doesn’t talk herself into shifting close, she will spend the whole night wide awake, feeling the panic overtake her physical form, so she moves a bit nearer.

A moment of bravery and her walls crumble when she puts her hands around Addison’s waist and clings to her. Her legs are bent the same way Addison’s are and fit perfectly behind hers and she sticks her nose into the red hair that tickles her, so she brushes them up onto the pillow.

“Do you like it here?” Addison asks quietly.

Meredith’s lips brush against the nape of Addison's neck when she speaks, “I do. It’s much different than Seattle.”

With a gentle move, Addison places her hand on Meredith’s one, which is holding her in the middle, pressing herself back into the petite body.

“If anything bothers you…”

“I know, Addie.”

She closes her eyes and takes in the jasmine smell that begins to lull her to sleep.

“Good.”

“Good,” Meredith murmurs and her body slowly loosens up. Within the next ten minutes, she is dead asleep, tightly gripping the warmth that emanates from Addison and calms her down.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated!! xxx
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Chapter 14: maybe together we can get somewhere

Notes:

hi everyone!!
thank you for all the sweet words in the comments and kudos<3 i LIVE for them and they give me so much motivation.
this one is just a couple of besties just being good friends... so basically what happens in every chapter.
chapter 14 involves the continuation of sharing a bed and a little trip our girls decide to have;) also, this is the most unedited chapter ever so if you see a mistake, then no you don't

hope you'll enjoy this one!!

The buzzing shakes her awake first. A moment later it is the ringtone.

Addison rolls over on her back, eyes fluttering open when she feels something stiff blocking her from entirely falling on her back. She peeks to her right and sees Meredith curled up behind her, holding her with both of her hands and legs curled around Addison’s like a koala bear.

It’s quite a comical sight that she can’t focus on any longer because her phone almost buzzes off the nightstand. She catches it at the last moment and picks up, not even looking at who is calling.

“Hello?”

“Is Meredith with you?”

The voice is familiar but altered through the device and her head is still far away from this world to catch up with the present.

“Who is calling?” Her voice is still groggy and a bit raspy, so she clears her throat.

“Cristina,” The facts finally are connected and Addison gets it. “Is that dumb bitch with you?”

“Yang.” She surely isn’t prepared with conversing first thing in the morning with one of her interns. Not when she is on her vacation that doesn’t involve dealing with Seattle Grace drama and the pack of Meredith’s unhinged friends.

“Yes, it’s me,” Cristina says, sounding like she’s already had enough of it. “The brightest intern here. I need to talk to Meredith and she is not answering her phone.”

Addison sits up, trying to free herself from the strong hold the koala bear has on her. Finally, Meredith lets go and grumbles through her sleep just to roll around on the other side of the bed. She watches the blonde hair fall onto her face and leans to brush them back, smiling when Meredith’s nose scrunches.

“How did you get my number?” She asks, realising she is not the easiest of callers.

“McSteamy,” Yang sounds more impatient with each passing second and each nosy question of Addison. “Okay, can you give me Meredith now?”

“Fine.”

She turns to the blonde and gently catches her shoulder, shaking her away. Pulling the phone a bit away from her face not to be heard, she begins trying to wake her up, “Mer, wake up.” She shakes her once again and receives a loud groan as an answer. “C’mon, Yang wants to talk with you.”

“Wait…” Addison hears from her phone. “Are you in the same bed?” Before she can tell Cristina anything, she hears sounds of her trying to cover up the microphone in her device and a loud voice directed to someone else. “Izzie, you were real about Mer sexlling with Satan?!”

“Yang, I’m blocking your number,” She says into the phone.

That makes Meredith get still for a moment, before resting on her forearm and turning around to Addison with a frown on her face. “What’s happening?”

“Your person is bullying me,” Addison says loudly enough for Cristina to hear it, too. “Take her away.”

She hands the phone to Meredith and crawls back under the bedsheets, but this time turning to watch Meredith talk through the phone. The blonde seems to be instantly awakened the moment she presses the phone to her ear.

“Cristina, what do you need so early in the morning?” She says, her voice raspy in a way that Addison can’t get enough of. Usually, her own voice is scratchy and unpleasant in the morning - hell, almost everyone she knows is like that after waking up, so how does Meredith manage to sound so negligently and carelessly cool with that rasp in her voice? Black magic.

“It’s 1 o’clock,” Cristina says and Meredith has to pull away the device to glance at the hour and realise they’ve slept in.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. You’re my bridesmaid but I don’t know your exact size. So I need you to send me your measurements.”

“Your bridesmaid.” Perhaps Meredith is not as awake as she thought she was.

“Yep. Apparently, my wedding is bigger than I thought and I need bridesmaids.”

“My phone must have died, I’ll text you the measurements soon.”

“Be quick,” Cristina steps away to the side and covers her mouth as she whispers into the phone. “Mama doesn’t like waiting.”

Meredith laughs loudly and hiccups, “Okay. Have fun with your soon-to-be mother-in-law.”

“I hate you for leaving me in a moment like this.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Okay. Don’t forget to text me,” Cristina says, her voice becoming strained after someone calls out for her in the background. “Have fun in bed with Satan.”

“Bye, Cristina.”

She hangs up and looks at Addison who is observing her with amused light in her eyes. Meredith rolls her eyes and hands the phone to Montgomery, then slides down the headboard and flops onto her pillow, trying to get some of the bedsheets from Addison, who took all of them and made a cocoon around herself.

“Share with me."

“No,” Addison murmurs and laughs when Meredith tries to pull the sheets over herself. “Yang woke me up and now you’re paying for it.”

“Addison.”

“No.”

“Are you two planning to get up any time today?”

Naomi is standing at the door left ajar with a cup of coffee in her hand and her phone in the other. She looks at the two of them rolling around the bed and fighting for the bedsheets, clearly hiding her entertainment and pretending she is annoyed. But Addison sees right through her and grins from ear to ear at her, pulling the sheets away from Meredith who is awkwardly crossing her arms on her chest and staring at Naomi.

“Vacation, Naomi,” Addison says, still smiling. “We’re having a vacation.”

“You could go see around the city,” Naomi rests against the doorframe. “I don’t know, see the Hollywood sign.”

“Hollywood sign, hmm,” Addison moves her eyes from her best friend to Meredith. “Do you want to get up and see it?”

“I do, actually.”

“I guess it’s settled, then. Get ready and I’ll sleep for a bit more,” She is already turning to her side to hide from people and chill for a bit more, just when Meredith sits up and tears the bedsheets from above her, exposing her naked long legs that Addison instantly pulls up to her stomach when she feels the cold air surrounding her.

“Hey!”

“We are going on a trip, move your ass.”

Naomi walks into the room and opens the door to the bathroom attached to it, “Sprinkle her with cold water, that always worked.”

Addison sits up, pointing at her, “Traitor!”

But Meredith has already run to the bathroom and wetted her hands with the coldest water possible just to run back to the guest room and start flopping them above Addison who screeches.

It sends Meredith into hysterics and she falls back onto the mattress. She can’t stop laughing while Addison first stares at her with a dead glare but when she sees her laughing carelessly like this, she cannot help but smile. Every moment with Meredith going slightly closer to being back to life makes her want to just take a camera and document it, collect those moments until all of the puzzles can be brought back into a big picture. Perhaps she should invest her endless earnings into a camera and do it. Maybe if she only captured them and later showed Meredith, she would see how her smile lights up the whole damn world and that she is worth every fight just to get her back.

But she knows any conversation about that will send them off to arguing - she cannot hear once again it was an accident. Addison is no fool.

Meredith is no fool either, but she thinks she might talk other people into believing lies. Addison is not one of them.

It’s vacation, though. She has not brought Meredith here to stress her out and try to be her therapist; Meredith is clearly running away from the problems here and Addison is running towards her future self, so they might jog together for a bit, right?

“Sam has prepared the first injection at the practice,” Naomi says just as she is leaving. “You can pop in on your way.”

---

An hour and a half later, they are on the road.

At Oceanside Wellness Group, Sam let them in one of the rooms and Addison sat tight on a chair, trying to do the injection into her stomach on her own but her hands shook. It was the nerves, God she had been a bloody doctor for over a decade, yet there she was overcome with her emotions. Meredith knocked on the door after five minutes and Addison told her to come in.

“Do you need help with that?”

Addison nodded, giving up and handed the syringe to Meredith. She crouched in front of her and Addison folded her shirt up to expose the soft slim swell of her stomach. Wanting to look away when Meredith closed it in, she almost didn’t, but just in the last moment, she instead focused her eyes on Meredith’s sapphire eyes that carefully observed as the needle went it. She pressed the injection slowly and pulled away after it was emptied.

“Thank you.”

Meredith looks at Addison from her passenger’s seat, in her big brown sunglasses they bought in one of the shops close to the beach, “For what?”

“Helping me out with the injection,” She says, eyes focused on the empty road. “I didn’t thank you before.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Meredith says with a smile. “I want to be with you on every step of this journey. You’re kinda stuck with me now, I am way too excited for the baby stuff.”

“I’m glad I don’t have to do this alone.”

“You’re friends with Callie, right?” Meredith turns the music down a bit as they drive from the free road by the ocean into the busy streets, heading now to the centre of Culver City - halfway away from their point of destination. “Are you going to tell her?”

“When I’m sure I’m pregnant, yeah, I will,” Addison swerves left and slows down a bit, seeing the traffic holding up ahead. “I know she will be really happy for me. I didn’t believe I would befriend anyone when I first got around here, but I really want to tell her. I would love to tell Mark, too, but I don’t know what we are standing on. I don’t know if he is still… if he wants me to be his friend.”

“Why?”

“We just left things at a weird spot. Didn’t argue or anything, he just told me a weird thing and I barely had time to react. And we didn’t talk before I left.”

“I’m sure you can explain it,” Meredith says, her elbow on the side of the car as she brushes through her hair and looks at Addison. “He’s always seemed like he cared about you a lot. I’m sure he still loves you, friend, or not, you’ve spent a lifetime together.”

“Oh, we did,” Addison sighs. “And now I’ve realised I should probably look for a house or an apartment after we go back.”

“You should. I don’t know if the hotel is a good solution by the long shot. I can help you look for something. We can see some places, you know.”

Addison stops when they reach the highest point of traffic and looks at Meredith, pulling her red sunglasses up and they just smile at each other. What a weird sense of company they have found together. Weird, but not unwelcomed. Now, it’s barely believable that they used to have such a long and complicated past behind, that Addison ruined Meredith’s life and Meredith ruined Addison’s. It’s like everything is telling them this shouldn’t exist, this soft, yet adventurous friendship is an act of a mistake - or rather a miracle. The good thing is neither of them cares about everything else, even destiny calling shots at them.

It takes fifty minutes to get through the busy enormous city that Los Angeles is. The sky is clear, not a sign of clouds and the sunrays beat down on them, the air almost feels like it’s not moving, so thick from the high temperature. And it does them well, surrounding them in light and warmth, charging up the low batteries. The ride might be long but with good music playing and colourful buildings and people, it is a whole experience.

The last time Meredith travelled goes way back, backpacking through Europe but the moment her thoughts wander off that way, she stops herself right away when Sadie’s face shows up in her head. She is not going to dig through that hole, not when Addison is by her side. She is not ruining her mood on this beautiful afternoon, not when she’s slept off all of her tiredness and she is clearly putting off the fact she was supposed to study; Addison can help her later. So, with the first notes of Fast Car on the radio, they make the last couple of minutes to their destination.

They need to hike some way up the sandy path of the gentle slope after parking the Porsche in the nearest empty parking slot. A lot of sweat and laughter are involved; their shoulders brush together.

Meredith makes fun of Addison’s pencil skirt that slows her movements, but she is no better in her jeans that aren’t quite made for this weather. Both of them managed to take better tops, though, Meredith with a white button-up with a short sleeve, loose on her body and three buttons popped open; Addison a flowery loose blouse, tied at the top, exposing her collarbone. She’s never worn pieces like this back in Seattle and Meredith must admit she looks softer this way. Gone are the fancy black coat and tight dark tops and this free spirit surfaces here.

They take plenty of photographs, ones of each other and Addison asks some couple to take one of her and Meredith together.

“Say cheese!” The older woman says and it is goddamn cheesy and makes Meredith giggle, leaning against Addison.

That’s how the photo is caught - Meredith on the right side, while her hand is wrapped around Addison’s waist and Addison’s hand is embracing her shoulders. Meredith’s face is scrunched in the giggle, the side of her head resting against Addison’s shoulder and Addison is grinning, all of her teeth out. And right above them is the Hollywood sign, the Californian sun lighting up the whole scene, with not a single shadow in the picture. They are glad Naomi borrowed them a camera for this trip, so later they could develop the photos, with good quality and not on the small screens of their cellphones.

They walk around the location for a bit longer, sweating profusely and Addison takes random shots of Meredith talking, which end up annoying the blonde, who steals the camera back. There are a lot of blurry ones, where they are laughing - both the ‘muse’ and the person behind the lens.

Only when hunger shows up, that’s when they head back to the car.

But they stay without pulling back to the road, tranquil silence between them. Simply taking in the moment as it is.

“I’ve never had friends like you.”

Addison at once turns to Meredith, who sits with her shoes shaken off and knees pulled to her chest, looking tiny in the car seat.

“Should I be offended or glad?” She cracks a smile.

It makes Meredith lose up a bit, “I don’t want to get it wrong. I have amazing friends who are like family to me. Sometimes dysfunctional, but still family I love. But… I’ve never had someone hold me to sleep, keep me warm, hold my hand just to… without expecting me to give back something in return, you know? All the men I was with, I had to give them my body, my mind, my attention so they would give me their time. Like I had to earn it. And you’re here and never have expectations towards me. We just stick together and this is such a unique bond, so honest, so extraordinary. I always fear being vulnerable but I almost don’t feel afraid next to you. And that’s big. For me.”

It feels as if someone started to sting Addison’s heart, needle by needle, just like acupuncture the hippy boy does. Like everything that’s been hidden inside of her, all those feelings - losing Mark, realising Alex was never an option, fear of not being able to have children, losing the game of surviving her marriage with Derek and the awareness this beautiful soul next to her wanted to kill herself - all of it resurfaces. Tears sting her eyes and she manages only to say, “Meredith,” her voice wobbly, all choked up. She puts her hand on Meredith’s thigh, trying to signalize to stop this before she falls apart in the middle of Los Angeles, no matter how absurd that sounds. How ridiculous it is who she is with and where they are.

But Meredith goes on, her eyes set ahead of her.

“See, you’re touching me and now it’s just normal for us,” Meredith places her hand on top of Addison’s. “You give me so much comfort, even when I don’t deserve it. Even when I haven’t earned it.”

This is going to kill her.

Friendship with Meredith Grey will be the cause of her death.

Call it.

Time: 17:13.

A tear drops from her eye, no matter how hard she tries to fight it. She blinks and that’s it, she has lost.

Because it’s been years since she felt important since she felt like somebody truly needed her, since she believed people would notice if she was gone. That people would miss her once she was gone. Years.

“I don’t think you know how much you bring to life,” Her voice is tight and their eyes finally meet. “I have no idea what happened to you, Mer, to think of yourself so badly,” She might be a bit of a hypocrite to say this, fuck that. “I hope one day you’ll realise the truth.”

Meredith looks at her like she is her lifeline. Like she is the thing that saved her, and Addison couldn’t be something further away from that.

She sniffs and rolls her eyes, wiping the tears away.

What has broken Meredith so much? What happened before the drowning? What went wrong? What Ellis has said to her that caused so much damage?

There are two people in the world who know the answer, but one of them is dead. Meredith won’t tell her; it’s questionable if she will ever do.

When Meredith laughs at her words, Addison finds her humour coming back, “I will kick your ass one day.”

Grey couldn’t smile brighter, “Bring it on, boss.”

Notes:

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Chapter 15: how can i sleep if i don't have dreams?

Notes:

hiiiii guys!
thank you so much for all the kudos and the kind words in the comments<3 i appreciate every single comment so much and i'm so thankful for all of you:)
this one involves meredith being traumatised and jealous - which is... nothing new i guess lol.
also heads up for the tiniest of bits of NSFW, just a little warning;)

hope y'all enjoy this one!!

“Fuck.”

She feels the warm body on top of hers, chest pressed to a chest. There are soft lips on her neck, right below her right ear and they are kissing and licking and then, biting her, drawing out a long throaty moan from her lips. She arches her back, just to feel more - nipples against her own breasts and the knee pressed up against her throbbing core.

“Does it feel good?”

Meredith can’t recognise the woman’s voice. Even when she pulls away a bit and tries to look into her face, she cannot remember for the love of god who is the woman on top of her.

But it doesn’t matter because she feels the pair of red hot lips making their way down her body. She feels her teeth, marking her, leaving lovebites, and then, right from the belly button up to her pulsing cunt, she drags her tongue down. There is a slick line down and her soul feels like ascending when she feels two fingers pushing inside of her, as she tightens around them and a tongue pressed flatly against her clit.

It’s too much. It’s too fast. And she is climbing up and up, closer to release.

Absolute shamelessness.

Groping her own tits, she puts her legs over the woman’s shoulders and just when she is about to-

Meredith wakes up sweaty.

Staring at the ceiling with eyes wide-opened, she is panting heavily. There is warm wetness spilling over her panties and tension in the underbelly, her nipples erect and visible through the white tanktop she put on to sleep. And when she realises she is in Addison’s guest room and not down the stairs in the living room, she feels nauseous.

With notes scattered around the bed, she knows they have fallen asleep accidentally while studying and- Christ. She almost came in her sleep with Addison on her left side. She feels yesterday’s supper going up from her stomach and she almost gags.

She feels dirty. Disgusting. Filthy.

And any moment now, she is going to throw up.

Her legs tangle as she kicks the duvets and bedsheets down and tries to untangle from the mess, just to reach the bathroom in time. She rushes towards the room and slams the door after her, too caught up in a panic and self-inflicted hate. She falls onto the floor and pulls up the toilet seat, gagging again. All that comes out of her is saliva and she spits, her mind hazy and spinning. In her mind, run supercuts of the nightmare - for everyone else, it would be a pleasant dirty dream - for her, it’s her biggest nightmare. While she imagines the hot body that was on top of her and the feeling of a woman’s love, Ellis’ word echo somewhere closer than the desire. Dirty. Disgusting. Filthy.

“Are you okay?”

Meredith turns back to see Addison peeking through the door and she feels the tide of panic rise even higher.

“Shut the door!” Her voice is not weak, surprisingly. It’s a loud desperate cry and she cannot stand Addison looking at her even for one second more. “Shut the fucking door!”

Addison’s eyes are wide open, in shock, and she gapes, loss at words. She looks at her with unknown fear, at least that’s how Meredith sees it; in reality, it’s heartache and worry, the need to help her out. But Meredith doesn’t want the help, the firm belief she doesn’t deserve it floating up in the dark waters of her mind after this dream.

So, when the shock wears off a bit, Addison steps back and closes the door gently.

Tears spring from Meredith’s eyes and she gags again, nothing happens. She closes the toilet and puts her hands on it, then lays her head on top of them, sighing. She shakes and cries, trying to get out the cutscenes from her mind, trying to just forget.

And there, crying her heart out on the cold tiles of Naomi’s house, that’s when the longing for Derek hits. She wants him here, she wants her friend back, she needs him because he is the only one who knows. It’s stupid and foolish, since he let her down, since he turned down their friendship the moment he found out about her true identity, since he gave up on her when she needed him to fight for her the most. But she misses him. She misses their jokes, she misses the way he would sometimes stand in the way of the world and the universe, just so she wouldn’t get hurt. But all the while, he is the one to hurt her the most, to betray her.

She shouldn’t miss him. But she does. All she wants to hear from him is that he is sorry and he misses her, too. Nothing happened in the way Meredith wanted and now, her heart is in pieces.

“Meredith.”

Addison’s voice is muffled through the white door, but she must be sitting right by it. Meredith raises her head and sniffles, “Yeah?”

“I think we should talk,” Addison says. “You shouldn’t be alone with this.”

Meredith pushes herself down the floor and stops by the door, resting her back against it. They are sitting now side by side, but the wall between them is not only physical.

“Please, let’s just talk about anything else than me.”

For a long moment, Addison stays silent. If Meredith focuses her hearing enough, she can hear her sigh on the other side. When no words come out, Meredith rests her face against her knees and feels like just curling up in a small ball, waiting until she disappears.

“Okay…” Addison finally speaks up; it makes Meredith get up again. “Well, I’ve picked the donor.”

The information grounds Grey. Makes her remember she is in Los Angeles for the baby mission and that Addison agreed to take her with her without any fight and that they’re here for vacation. Safe and sound, far away from Seattle’s doctor drama. And her nightmare is only a nightmare, nothing that happened in real life, at least not in a long time, since Europe. One day, she will be okay with this, Meredith thinks. One day, she will kiss a woman and be proud of it.

It’s not today. But someday.

“He is six-one, has dark blonde hair and blue eyes. He is an actor, but also runs marathons and surfs, sometimes paints in his free time. 170 pounds. Fit as a fiddle, no genetic illnesses. Great sperm.”

Meredith sniffs again, “He sounds really good.”

If only she could see Addison’s smile when she hears her voice is less wobbly.

“He does. Can you come out now?”

“Give me a minute.”

After some time, Meredith opens the door with puffy eyes and a red nose and lips, her pyjamas clinging to her body. She stands at the door, unsure of what to do while Addison is picking out her outfit. She turns around and her gaze softens; she doesn’t cross the distance between them, though, reading from Meredith’s body language she is clearly uncomfortable with her own body, even more, if someone touched it. Instead, she sends her a smile.

“Do you need me to do something?” She asks. “Is there a way I can help you?”

“I…” Meredith fiddles with the hem of her shirt. “I just need a moment alone, take a shower and dress up. I need to be alone with my thoughts.” Clean myself from how dirty I feel. “Then, we can go grab breakfast together and get you to the practice.”

Addison nods, “If you need anything, I’m always here. I’m going downstairs, then, get a shower in the bathroom down there.”

She chooses her clothes and just when she is leaving, Meredith stops her, “Thank you. For giving me space.”

“Always.”

---

Colour comes back to Meredith’s face after she is showered and has stuck the sweaty messy pyjamas to the furthest corner of her suitcase and has eaten three pieces of toast, along with a pancake that Naomi has left. She puts on that favourite comfort Dartmouth top that instantly brings her home and a pair of shorts she last time wore years ago. They are on their way just after they eat and catching sunrays surely brings her closer to being back in the game.

Addison doesn’t ask. Addison doesn’t push. Addison doesn’t unsettle her.

Instead, she sings along to the radio and speeds way too fast down the lane and laughs when some guy hoots his horn at her.

Meredith noticed the moment Addison found out she could have a baby, something clicked in her. She usually was joyous around her, perhaps not to wear her down, and one day, Meredith knows, she will break in front of her and will spill her secrets and their friendship will only get stronger. But despite that joy, there was that dark cloud above her head, and since Naomi broke the amazing news, it has disappeared. As if her lungs were open again and her heart pumped blood in the rhythm it was supposed to all along; she cannot even imagine the exhilaration when the little one will be actually inside her body and later, in the world. She’s talking about almost a year's time here and it seems long now, but from another perspective, it will go with a flash. Meredith knows she would be a terrible mother, but hopes to be a good aunt, at least, hoping Addison will let her be present in her kid’s life.

Repeating yesterday’s procedure, this time she enters the room instantly and when Addison settles down on the chair, she puts the needle into her stomach fat and slowly presses the contents in. They are done within a minute and leave for the reception, just to be stopped by Pete.

“Hey!” He waves at them from his office.

The women look at each other and shrug, then head down there.

“I don’t know if Naomi told you,” He starts off. “But we are having drinks tonight in a bar downtown and you can come.”

“Oh,” Addison turns to Meredith, just to see a pair of glistening eyes like those of Puss in Boots from Shrek.

“Tequila,” Meredith could be as well ascending her soul. “Tequila.”

“I guess we’re coming,” Addison tells Pete.

“Amazing!” He sends them a big smile, the one that could make most of the girls swoon. “I’ll text you the address later, can I have your number, Addison?”

Somehow, Meredith loses the excitement, watching Addison type in her number on his phone and Pete having that dumb annoying smirk on his face all the while. However, he backs off when he notices her glare and - fuck that he thinks they are a couple, she can have an anxiety attack about it later - he just should stay away. After everything Addison has gone through with men, she deserves goddamn peace.

“See you later, girls.”

Meredith imagines hitting her little, but how strong, fist landing on his nose and giving him a black eye.

The traumatic morning made her a bit aggressive, she must admit.

---

The bar is a ten-minute walk down from Naomi’s house, so they decide to stroll around the neighbourhood instead of taking the car. By the time they arrive, it’s gotten dark outside and Addison opens the door for Meredith, who smiles and walks inside.

Music is loud and there are a lot of people, given it’s a Friday night but they instantly spot their people in a booth close to the bar. The interior is modern and dark, with black wooden elements mixed with velvet red sits and stools in a darker burgundy colour; the light is dimmed, enough to see each other but to give an impression of shadows dancing everywhere. On their way, first Addison goes to order tequila for Meredith and some fancy fruity drink for herself, paying twice the price than what she usually spends in Joe’s Bar; well, Malibu has its cons and pros.

When she arrives at the booth, Meredith is already seated between Cooper and Sam, laughing with them as Pete shows something on his phone to Naomi and Violet. If any of them looked at Mer right now, they would never guess the state she was in the morning, no one would see past this facade and acting skills. But Addison knows better and decides to watch carefully as the night unfolds, to react before anything can fall apart.

“What was your yearbook title?” Cooper asks the moment she sits down on the edge of the bench on the right.

“Yearbook?” Addison is caught off-guard.

Violet, who is seated right across from her, looks at her, “When he is drunk, he gets sentimental.”

“About high school out of all places?”

“Addie hated high school,” Naomi cuts in, laughing.

“No,” Addison raises her hand. “I liked high school, it’s the high school that hated me.”

“Should I tell the story or…?”

At this moment, Addison hates her best friend with guts. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, trying to stop the upcoming apocalypse of weird memories and embarrassing prom evening.

“Don’t keep us hanging.”

“C’mon!”

Meredith’s eyes shine with curiosity and that’s the crucial element of all of it, not the trials of convincing her into spilling all the secrets. So, she sighs, takes a sip of her pink drink and settles into the story.

“I cannot recall the exact title but it went along with something like a geek,” She doesn’t let anyone speak when they start to laugh. “Yes, I was a geek. I had the whole braces with colourful rainbow elastics thing going on and a lisp.” She laughs in embarrassment and hides her face in her hands.

“She was a band geek,” Naomi cuts in.

“What?” Meredith chuckles and feels her stomach tightening with laughter.

Pete stares at Addison, “I need some photographs as proof,” He looks wait too flirty when she looks up and she is not the only one because Sam instantly kicks him in the shin under the table.

“I told you something,” He points his finger while holding a glass, the drink dangerously close to spilling. “You’re out.”

“Fine.”

On one side, Addison is flattered to have a man look at her the way Pete does and have to have Sam talk him down, but on the other, she is so over men now. Not after sixty days are not enough to wait for her, not after a man is running after some random patient instead of her. Don’t get her wrong - she has grown to like Jane Doe and taking care of her and her baby, it’s just… everything is complicated in Seattle. She doesn’t want the same for her vacation.

“Continuing I went to prom with a boy named Skippy Gold,” She waits out through the waves of laughter from everyone, nodding with acknowledgement. “And the only thing we talked about throughout the whole night was Star Wars. That’s how I spent my magical prom night.”

“How come I’ve never heard this story?” Sam asks.

“Only Naomi got to know every detail,” Addison smiles at the woman. “And I had her sworn to secrecy up until tonight, apparently. But it’s been twenty years ago, so, it doesn’t feel so terrible as it used to.”

They order the next round of drinks to tell all of their stories from high school - Sam had the best bromance with some guy from his class, Naomi was the most likely to succeed, Violet best smile, Cooper was the class clown and Pete was the life of the party. Meredith is last to confess and she is playing with her straw while holding back.

“I was a troublemaker,” She presses her lips together. “I skipped one class and finished high school early, but I almost fucked it up by how trouble seemed to follow me. I got black-out drunk at prom and they had to call my mother to come and get me. That’s a funny story, actually-” She downs her tequila in two gulps and clears her throat. “My actual boss at our hospital was the one to pick me out, given my mother, she…” Meredith shrugs and waves her hand at that. “Nevermind. But her friend, Richard, came to get me and I don’t have a single memory of that, while I heard he does. And he is my boss now.”

She gets a round of applause and smiles proudly, remembering her wild days of wasting her potential and partying all the way. That eventually got her into Europe, but that’s a whole different story for another day.

Somewhere throughout the night, it’s Meredith who buys another round and when she is back with the drinks, barely holding them all up, a surprise awaits her.

Addison is arguing with Violet while the rest watch.

“You share the bed and sleep together…” She is counting on her fingers, now on finger number four to which Meredith shows up.

“Sharing a bed…” Addison stops her and then her eyes and points accusingly at Naomi. “It’s you, you’re the gossip girl! You’ve been telling people we’re together!”

“Who else would it be?”

“I was really betting on Sam.”

“What’s going on?”

“We’re talking about your relationship with Addison,” Violet explains like that’s the most normal thing in the world.

Meredith starts choking.

“You’re going to kill my intern and then I will get murdered back in Seattle for it,” Addison says and pushes her way out of the booth to Meredith. “She has a whole damn army of protectors back there.” She begins to gently tap her back until she stops coughing.

Definitely, Meredith is too sober for this. So, she instantly drinks her whole tequila without even sitting down and goes right back to the counter to order another one.

Half an hour later, she is well past the stage of tipsiness and settles in the corner of the booth. People pass by her eyes and words fall into one ear just to leave through the other and all she sees are the colourful patches of lights that are dancing on the ceiling. It’s bliss, to be so fucked up and she realises it’s only the second time she’s gotten drunk since the attempt and god, she should have known to make it her copying mechanism earlier. Addison and her friends just busied her so much, she forget that she loved the unhealthy usage of alcohol.

Somewhere throughout the next half an hour, Naomi and Sam have to leave, getting a call from their daughter with some emergency. But the rest of them stay and there comes a point when the music is turned up and people start pairing off and dancing and Meredith cannot pinpoint the moment when Pete takes Addison away and they dance and it makes her sick. Sicker than her today’s nightmare.

“You okay, Meredith?” Violet asks her, watching Grey’s face get green with jealousy.

“Yeah,” That pulls her from her dark thoughts. She looks at Violet’s face, trying not to slur her words. “I’m fine. I am just very against men existing.”

“Truer words were never spoken.”

“I am still here,” Cooper says.

“Well, no one asked you.”

She watches Pete’s hands grazing against Addison’s body, the way he spins her and presses her back to his front, how she laughs at whatever he just whispered in her ear. And it makes her nauseous and there is no way she can fit one more tequila in her system, but every nerve in her body is screaming at her to do it. She doesn’t know what’s so wrong with the scene she watches unfold, but it’s wrong.

The way back home is unclear, all she remembers is Addison being much soberer and helping her walk and then shaking off her shoes in the hallway. She doesn’t change her dress, she doesn’t wash her face and most importantly, she doesn’t answer Addison’s words and ignores her when Montgomery convinces her to sleep in the guest room, too. Instead, Meredith falls on the couch, her face pressed against the cushions and hates herself for making a scene. She doesn’t dwell on that too long, easily asleep after two minutes.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated<3

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=ca36ea00421d4fab

Chapter 16: i thank the oceans for giving me you

Notes:

hiii everyone!!
first of all, i wanted to thank you so much for 500 kudos, it's so wild to me and i'm so motivated to just keep going:) recently i've finished chapter 40 of this story and it's far far away from the end;)
i've been waiting to post this chapter for a long time because it has one of my favourite scenes i've ever written and i cannot wait to see how you like it

enjoy this one<3

The weekend is completely devoted to studying. Meredith vows to not move her ass even a step outside the house and no asking and convincing from Addison works. She is way too embarrassed about her sulky behaviour after the night out on Friday and firmly believes nothing as embarrassing will happen if she just sticks her nose into the textbooks and repeats the information while pacing around the living room. It's impossible for her to understand why did she make a scene like that, angry that Addison was having a good time - if she was sober, she wouldn't just tighten her fists under the table and keep it together. Instead, there is this tension between them waiting to burst open.

Naomi seems to accept the fact she has to deal with that through the whole weekend and along with her daughter, Maya, who is back for the week at her mother’s house, they let her be. Meredith forgets to eat and drink, so Addison just brings her snacks and meals when it’s time. Sometimes, she comes around and helps her study and sometimes, she just hangs out with her best friend in the kitchen, drinking wine to make up for the nine months she won’t be able to.

But the weekend ends and a sunny Monday comes around, with scorching temperatures, to the point it’s inhuman. And Addison is not going to waste it.

“I brought you here to get some colours back into you!” She pulls the curtains apart while Meredith’s eyes flutter open and she throws a textbook with which she fell asleep, over her face. She groans and rolls around, curling up on the couch. “You know everything, Mer. You’ve learned most of the material. You have a week. Now move your ass, we’re going out.”

Meredith’s opinion doesn’t matter.

While she is busy trying to escape the sunlight and sleep more, Addison collects all of her notes and textbooks and hides them so well that Meredith spends twenty-five minutes searching for them, unsuccessfully. That’s when Addison wins and they are supposed to go see around the city, perhaps do some shopping, and eat something sweet.

But Meredith steps out on the porch at the back of the house, just to check the temperature and her eyes cannot be pulled away from the ocean. It’s peaceful, the tide is small and she just can’t look away.

“Let’s go to the beach,” She says, stepping back into the house and catching Addison on the stairs. “Do the whole bikini and reading thrashy novel thing.”

“Are you sure? There’s a lot of other things t-”

“Yeah. Let’s not waste such a day.”

“Beach it is, then.”

“Yep.”

Forty minutes later, Addison parks the red Porsche right by Zuma Beach. Both of them are dressed in loose clothes, just to throw something over the swimwear, and their flip-flops make funny noises over the asphalt as they step towards the beach. Meredith is carrying some snacks they bought on their way, while Addison has a big bag thrown over her shoulder.

They settle somewhere right in the middle, close enough to feel the cold breeze that the ocean brings, but far enough for Meredith to feel safe.

She flops on her towel, already sweaty from being outside and her brain circulates the moment she sees Addison taking off her shirt. Opening her mouth to say something, she cannot formulate one sensible word. Addison is... gorgeous. And seems not to notice Meredith’s brain lag as she pulls down her skirt and is left in a red bikini that makes her skin look almost milky. Meredith just can’t look away, face burning and eyes almost falling out of the sockets. She’s always noticed Addison’s beauty, ever since she walked in those curls and fancy black coat into the Seattle Grace and turned her life upside down. But to see her like this…

Meredith might as well be in the men category because apparently, she has no shame and acts like a guy.

That makes her turn away and slowly pull down her shorts and after a moment of hesitation, she pulls her top through her head.

This time, it’s Addison who watches her from behind and begins to count the freckles on her back. She has this little waist and beautiful skin, even if it is too pale in some places, and her blonde hair curls at the nape and she has this sudden need to reach out and brush through them. She catches herself reaching out her hand and pulls it back, like a scalded cat.

“Could you help me out?” She sits on the edge of her towel with a bottle of sunscreen in her hand. “With my back.”

Meredith pulls up her sunglasses and nods, taking the sunscreen, then shifting behind Addison.

“I can’t remember the last time I sunbathed,” Addison says and then hisses when Meredith touches her back with the cold cream. “Seattle is… Seattle and New York is New York and I really can’t remember the last time I had an actual vacation.”

“I must say baby vacation is quite nice.”

“Baby vacation?”

“Well, we came here to make a baby- No! I- That sounds wrong, I…”

But Addison is long gone, laughing so loudly she brings the attention of other people. She clasps her hand against her thigh and can’t come down until Meredith jams her finger on her side and makes her squeal.

“Meredith, I have no idea how you passed the biology class,” Addison turns to her and bursts out laughing again, seeing that Meredith looks like a tomato, burning red. “And I admit that it would be amazing if two women didn’t have to deal with men at all and have children on their own, however, I’m afraid, it’s still not possible.”

“You know I didn’t mean it!”

“You can stop squealing, I’m not going to tell Richard, you’ll keep your job.”

“Addison.”

“Yeah?”

“Ugh.”

She finishes applying the sunscreen in silence, slowly losing the blush on her cheeks but she knows this is one of the situations that will haunt her in the middle of the night. It might be even worse than the nightmares she gets sometimes. But she also thinks that making Addison Montgomery laugh like that is one of the best things.

It takes a couple more seconds for the information to hit.

Two women making a baby.

Addison talking about women making a baby. That’s all that there is in her brain and she doesn’t understand why. She sees blonde babies with green eyes and redhead babies with blue eyes and everything in between and she gets so confused, that she doesn’t even realise Addison talking to her. It’s like her brain has an error again and her own thoughts baffle her so much that she just sits there, staring ahead of her at the gentle waves hitting the shore.

Then, her skin crawls.

The way it always does when she catches herself thinking about that part of her. When she looks into the future and sees herself with a love of a good woman, a white picket fence and late nights by the fireplace while it snows outside. When she sees her children, who she might destroy, being a horrible mother, carrying the tradition stuck in her blood.

“Meredith? Earth to Meredith?”

Only then, when Addison’s hand waves in front of her face, she awakens from the trance. Being a weirdo, that’s exactly what she needs to do in front of her friend.

“Sorry. Was thinking about how I did pass biology.”

Thankfully, Addison believes her.

In reality, obviously, she doesn’t, but she is not one to push Meredith. If she wants, she will eventually open up, but now they are having a good sun above them and a gentle breeze and that’s enough to keep going.

“Ready to read out shitty sex novels?”

“As ready as I will be.”

Throughout the next hour, they lay side by side on their stomachs and have a good share of laughter while reading out loud cringy and creepy parts of their stories. Ease, pleasing company, that puts Meredith’s mind in a better place. Eventually, Addison gets bored of the constant badly written bed scenes and macho men, so she rolls on her back and puts a straw hat over her head and face to cover from the sun and lays flatly, catching the sun rays.

But enough is enough and the temperature is murderous and it’s impossible to stay so long in one place. They get ice cream from a booth at the edge of the beach, Meredith strawberry and Addison caramel, but it’s only a temporary fix.

“I’m being fried alive,” Addison announces, sitting up abruptly. “I’m gonna cool off in the water.”

“Alright,” Meredith looks up from her book. “I’ll keep an eye out on our stuff.”

Addison throws her sunglasses on the towel, right with the hat and smiles at her one last time before stepping onto the stinging hot sand. She makes her way quickly and Meredith watches her as she funnily steps from foot to foot, probably hissing and it’s such a peaceful sight, to observe how she loosens up the moment she reaches the wet sand.

When she has water to her ankles, she turns around and waves at Meredith and she waves back at her, laughing when some teenage boy sprints into the water, splashing all over Addison, who shrieks. She shows a thumb up and Addison sticks out her tongue before turning back around towards the ocean.

She splashes water onto her arms and stomach and soon, she is getting deeper and deeper.

Of course, Meredith instantly gets shivers even at the sight.

But then, Addison swims up and is clearly smiling, finally cool and clean from the sweat.

Meredith sits up and stays there for good five minutes, unmoved, staring at all the people in the water, just having fun. And… she wants to be that, too. Not damaged goods, not shaking through the night like she is back in the bay, not having her heart drown with anxiety to watch Addison disappear beneath the surface just to appear above with her red hair floating around.

She doesn’t know at which moment she stood up and marched through the whole beach, but suddenly she is standing a meter away from the water.

“Addie.”

Her voice is quiet, mixing with the sound of the waves.

But Addison hears her, turning around instantly, “Meredith! What are you doing?”

She balances on one leg and slowly places the other one in the water.

“Can you… can you help me get into the water?”

Addison swims towards her and when she touches the bottom, she begins to walk towards her, “If you are sure.”

Meredith looks up from the water and looks her in the eyes, nodding, “I am.”

“Okay,” Addison takes the last steps and then she is right in front of her. Reaching out her hands, cold from the swimming and waits until Meredith catches them.

They are slow, genuinely slow and ignore everyone else; it doesn’t matter if people stare, doesn’t matter if people judge. This is big, and Addison’s heart is beating out of her heart, guessing that Meredith’s heart must be wrecked inside of her ribcage, so she makes it her priority to not show she feels so scared. Because this is a big step, an enormous step forward, to face fear like this.

Addison agreed to lead her deeper only because she knows Meredith cannot live in constant fear - of even bathing. She has to know that trying to take your life once doesn’t mean you’ll always stay suicidal, because no. Addison had her own dark days when ceasing to exist heard like a relief and pure contentedness, and she remembers the days of her marriage when she held razor blades to her skin and wondered if she would ever stop returning to the same point where she begins. But marking yourself with such hatred for life and actually attempting, it doesn’t mark you forever.

You can continue your life, despite once you wanted to end it. You can be proud again, you can be your old self again, you can heal.

That’s why Addison allows Meredith into the water.

She holds her hand while Meredith clings onto her fingers, squeezing her so hard that it pains Addison. She is holding onto dear life with each step and all Addison does is smile reassuringly.

As they reach the level of water over Meredith’s belly button, she stops walking for a moment.

“How are you feeling?”

“Cold,” Meredith says, her teeth chattering and her body shaking; both from the temperature and the emotions. “Scared. Not okay.”

While talking, Addison begins to pull her just a bit further.

“It’s okay not to feel okay.”

“Oh my God,” Meredith says in one breath. “I am so fucking scared, Addie.”

Her eyes fall back onto the water again and it’s way darker than at the shore and she feels herself slipping again until Addison squeezes her hands and says softly,” Don’t look there. Look on my face.”

She brings Meredith out of her deepest fears.

That’s when the wave comes.

Meredith looks past Addison and sees a tide upcoming, straight at them and she cries out. Addison doesn’t have to look back to understand and she pulls Meredith towards her, to keep her close once the water will hit them.

It is not the biggest of waves, it’s honestly small. However, Addison isn’t naive and is aware for Meredith that might be as well a tsunami. She doesn’t judge, she just tries to look from a different perspective.

“It’s only a wave, Mer,” She says slowly and gently. “I’ll keep you safe.”

“Addison.”

Every ounce of panic collects in her voice.

“Stay calm.”

Just when the wave arrives, Meredith jumps up terrified, tearing loose her hands from their hold and grabbing Addison’s shoulders and swimming towards her, pressing herself against her. Her arms entangle around her neck and she hides her face in the wet red hair, panting heavily.

“See? You’re just fine,” Addison adjusts quickly and embraces her hands around Meredith’s tiny waist. “You’re just fine.”

The wave didn’t even cover them, just swiftly swam beneath them, carrying them up and then letting them land in the previous depth.

Even when it passes, Meredith hangs onto the body protecting her, her cheek pressed against Addie’s cheek. Just one second more, she promises herself silently, just one more minute to have their bodies pressed up so intimately together. She cannot… She can’t pinpoint why Addison’s presence is her salvation, but it is. More than anything in her life before - pure protection and acceptance, of the flaws, her flaws, the mistakes she’s made.

But one more minute passes and she comes to the realisation of how nothing happened, of how the waves cannot hurt her anymore.

She lets go of Addison.

“Sorry,” She says, facing Montgomery again.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Addison loosens up her hold around her body but doesn’t let go completely; she knows too well that once another wave - which she can already see coming - hit them, Meredith will jump back into her arms.

“Another one is coming,” Meredith’s eyes are set on the water uprising.

Addison holds her through every attack of the tide until Meredith finds the courage to swim through it on her own. It might have taken fifteen or seventeen waves but then comes the moment when she is holding only one hand with Addison and lets the wave carry her above and then put her gently in the previous place. They never let go of each other, Addison watching carefully Meredith to see the slightest clue of a panic attack.

After some time, she feels so cold that she knows Meredith must be as twice frozen as she is, so they get back to the shore.

They completely forgot about their things, but nothing is touched, things laying just like they were left.

Meredith falls heavily on her towel, shivering and her bottom lip trembling. Feeling exhausted, she puts her arms around herself and pulls her knees to her chest. Addison searches through the bag and then pulls out another towel, putting it around Mer’s shoulders. She moves her hands up and down her arms, trying to warm her up.

“I’m proud of you, Grey.”

There is a quiet chuckle and Meredith turns to her, smiling with her teeth still chattering, “Thank you, boss.”

Addison sits by her left and they stare at the ocean in silence - perhaps an overpowering enemy is slowly turning into something softer. Lines becoming blurred. Courage winning over fear.

Notes:

every comment means the world to me;)

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my spotify meradd playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=8294af7d4d3a488a

Chapter 17: too drunk to have regrets

Notes:

hi everyone!!
just like always, i want to thank you for all the feedback under the last chapter, especially for how warmly you greeted the scene at the beach<3 it means the world to me because i put all of my heart into that scene and i'm so happy you liked it:)
we're slowly coming to an end of the babyvacation and soon we'll be back to the usual seattle drama;)

hope you'll enjoy this one!

Sitting in the corner of the back porch, curled up on the little bench with cushions, Meredith and Addison are getting drunk. Just for the hell of it.

“You’re a great mixologist,” Meredith says, licking her lips from the cranberry juice. “If you got me to drink something else than tequila, you have made a great achievement.”

“Maybe I should leave the hospital?” Addison hums and presses the cold glass against her mouth, muffling her words. “Joe could hire me. I would just do drinks all day long and serve idiots like Derek.” Then, her eyes fall on Meredith and she recovers quickly, “Sorry. I sometimes forget you are close to him.”

“No,” Meredith shakes her head. “He is an idiot. I agree. You wouldn’t serve him, though. You would have to kick him out of the bar.”

“Sounds good.”

After a moment of thinking, she adds, ”Not serving asshole men at my bar!”

“Mark ain’t gonna drink either?”

“Absolutely not.”

“I like the way you think.”

They finish up their tall glasses of sex on the beach and stumble inside the kitchen again, Addison swaying her hips as she tiptoes to the counter and begins to remake new ones for them. Naomi and Maya are long asleep, work and school first thing in the morning, so they at least try to stay quiet, but one look at each other’s faces and Meredith bursts into giggles. She covers her mouth instantly and turns around just to not be teased by Addison’s wiggling eyebrows, but Addie’s soft chuckles make her stomach turn and she bursts out laughing again.

“Shut up, you drunk!” Addison whisper-yells at her. “Or no sex on the beach for you!”

“I’m gonna find tequilaaaa then,” Meredith sing-songs and gets a kick on her ass.

She turns around with an outraged expression, placing a hand on her chest dramatically. But Addison pushes her out of the kitchen, back into the porch with two fresh drinks in her hands, the ice cubes clinking against the glass. They fall back onto the bench and Meredith’s feet fall on Addison’s lap as she stretches out.

It’s weird to be drunk happy. It won’t last long, but in the past, at least six months, she hasn’t experienced that at all. The moment the alcohol hit her, she would swallow in the depth of her despair and eventual dancing it out made it better. But now, she watches the ocean in darkness, the moon reflecting off the serene surface and it’s like vacation has been the best idea she’s ever had.

“I do miss Derek, though,” She speaks up after ten minutes of silent company. “I’m not going back to him, I can’t… But he was a friend, you know? We spent a lot of time together. And I don’t miss our relationship, dating whatever, I miss having him as a friend,” That’s the closest she can ever get to exposing what really went down between them to Addison. She doesn’t want to lose another person; she can’t afford to lose another friend when that friendship is what keeps her above the water most of the time. If it means she has to lie, let it be it. Telling the truth only ever brought her trouble and heartache.

“I know,” Addison nods, staring in the same direction, straight ahead. “It’s the same with Mark to me. I don’t want him like that, I think we were never really meant to be. But he was my friend for so many years and now, I don’t know if he wants to have anything to do with me and it hurts. Like, when I have the baby, I always thought he would be the godfather of my child. What am I supposed to do now? I want no one else to be the godfather.”

Despite their sulking in those thoughts, it’s not dark, it’s not twisty. Not tonight though.

“Should we text them?”

“This is the moment one of us tells the other not to text their ex.”

“Ex-friend.”

“I think the rule still works here.”

“One little message. To cause some chaos.”

“Meredith Grey, we are not texting men who fucked us over.”

“You’re no fun.”

“You know what would be no fun? Waking up tomorrow morning to unanswered phone calls.”

But Meredith has already pulled out her phone from the pocket of her jeans and is weighing it in her left hand. Addison looks at her in the dim light of the small lamp above the door and shakes her head. They stare at each other as Meredith makes a funny face, her nose scrunching as she hesitates between the cons and pros.

“Don’t do it,” Addison sighs. “Been there, done that. Let’s not ruin one of the last nights of our vacation on Derek Shepherd’s arrogance and ego.”

That makes Meredith realise he does not deserve her - whether it’s the drunk talking or truth in the daylight, she leans over and places the device by Addison’s side.

“Instead, tell me something about yourself.”

Why in the hell it’s so easy to open her mouth and spill words after one question from Addison?

“I might overshare.”

Addison puts her hand over her ankles, her fingertips grazing the skin, sending shivers down her spine and sips on the drink, “Go ahead.”

“I’m a total issues girl - I have mommy issues, daddy issues, commitment issues, I guess,” She counts on her fingers. “I mean, name a more ideal duet than my fear of abandonment and my severe anxiety. There are none.”

The way Addison looks at her makes Meredith blush. Like all the terrible things about Mer’s crippling bad mental health just ran past her ears, like she is not one of the most damaged girls out there, like… She might be the same kind of saviour that Addie is for Meredith. It’s probably the alcohol talking, all the thoughts far from sensibility.

“I’ve got one. Duet.”

“Hit me,” Meredith places the empty glass on the dark panels.

“You and me.”

Meredith giggles drunkenly, “Addison, are you growing soft on me?”

“I am not pleading guilty to anything.”

It seems that Meredith gives up on talking her into admitting the clear-as-day fact and instead, a playful smile grows bigger on her lips.

“Your time to overshare,” She announces in that drunken hazy state which makes her head spin and the stars shinier each time she looks up at the night sky. Her eyes get stuck on the constellations and the crescent moon; a wild thought appears in her head that this is what life perhaps is in the end. Watching things you will never have within the reach of your hand and appreciating them from a distance; maybe nothing else, nothing bigger, can be found in the purpose of life.

Her eyes go back to Addison and yeah, perhaps watching beautiful things and being glad for simply them existing is all life is about. It’s the alcohol flowing through her veins talking but for this short moment, stretching almost into infinity, Meredith believes she has found a reason to stay alive. Tomorrow morning she will wake up hangover and painfully sober and lose the sense of feeling alive again. For now, she stays in her bubble.

“I didn’t make you exactly overshare,” Addison says, her words slipping and blending one into another. “So I don’t have to overshare. I can say something mildly private about myself.”

“C’mon, Addie,” Meredith moves her foot in her lap, shaking her. “We won’t be a better duet if you don’t shower me with your trauma.”

“Na-nah. No.”

“Don’t be shy.”

Addison looks like she almost wants to roll her eyes when her stare falls on Meredith. She lingers with her answer but when Meredith tilts her head lower a bit, just to make her eyes seem bigger as she flutters her eyelashes and she wins over Montgomery with one simple look.

“Okay, okay, fine,” Addison throws her hands up in the air, spilling the drink. “Here it goes. I am afraid I’ll end up just like my parents and I have adultery in my bones. That I will always cheat and I will always be a whore.”

“Addie…”

“No,” Addison stops her with one move of her hand. “I overshared, but you are not commenting on it. That’s it.”

Meredith takes her feet away, placing them on the ground and moves on the bench until her shoulders are pressed against Addison’s. She just tries to tell her she is there for her, even drunk and messy, but she hears her and knows her, as much as she got to know about her in the past weeks. Addison looks pretty open with her emotions and feelings and experiences at first, but once you truly pay attention, you can see she hides a lot.

All Mer wants is to have Addison trust her. To understand it’s a safe space for both of them. That this friendship is not one-sided.

“I’m sleepy,” Meredith murmurs, sliding down the seat, her cheek resting against Addison’s shoulder. “Maybe we should go to sleep?”

The sky is already getting a bit lighter like they’ve stayed up much longer than they were supposed to. Time suddenly slipped like sand between fingers and it is scattered all around, gritty particles unseen by the human eye.

“Want to share a real bed?” Addison asks. “Not that hellish couch.”

“I might be tempted.”

In the end, they choke on laughter while climbing up the stairs, which, all at once, becomes an impossible task to do. Their legs tangle and they hold onto the railing and the white wall, trying to keep quiet with Naomi and her daughter asleep behind the closed doors.

Falling onto the mattress, Meredith lets out a giggle while Addison slowly and gently closes the door not to make too much noise. She watches Addison circle the bed around and suddenly remembers that they haven’t shared a bed in almost a week - ever since that eventful Friday night when she made a scene with no big reason. Later, she just felt too stupid to even show up at night at Addison’s doorstep, so she kept choosing the couch over and over again, Addie never proposed and… everything turned odd and so not like them.

She barely can remember and comprehend where did the anger come from that night. So, when Addison falls onto the mattress by her side and pulls the sheets over her body, humming, she feels bad.

“Maybe I should go downstairs,” Meredith whispers, staring at the ceiling. She feels like she just keeps ruining things.

“Stay,” Addison rolls over on her side and her head hides in the crook between Meredith’s shoulder and neck. “I don’t want you to be alone. You’re already shaking.”

And only by then, Meredith notices that yes, in fact, she is shaking, her fingers quivering, the cold slowly overcoming her whole body. Addison shifts closer and delicately put her hand around her waist; Meredith rolls over, too and she feels the warmth of Addie’s front pressing up against her back. If it’s even possible, Meredith pushes herself deeper into the embrace, curling up her legs to her stomach and she just becomes this little shaking bundle.

A tear escapes her eyes and slowly drops down her nose and then cheek and just like that, being drunk is not fun anymore. It’s dark and cheap and dumb and she hates it, hates how her head spins and-

“Breathe,” Addison whispers, her warm breath against the nape of her neck. “You’re with me. You’re safe. Breathe, Meredith. Breathe.”

“Addie.”

“I know. I know.”

“No, because I…”

“You don’t have to say it.”

“It wasn’t an accident.”

“I know.”

Meredith begins to cry and her soft muffled cries turn into sobbing and all she can do is have Addison hold her and not let her fall apart. She doesn’t lose it completely, kept together by the warmth and by the arms that became so familiar through the hard times, and she just cries it out. She hates the alcohol making her dizzy and she hates how she shakes and her bottom lip trembles and she wants it to be sunrise, wants the night to be gone.

Tears manage to lull her into sleep and the soft humming by her ear helps her out. Thankfully, her dreams are empty and plotless, with nothing to be memorised.

Addison’s, though, are full of New York screaming and her clothes landing outside the front door, straight into the rain.

---

Their morning begins with the routine visit at the Oceanside Wellness Group and Addison doesn’t say a word but when their eyes meet, both of them know the weight of last night. Meredith feels warmth pooling in her chest when Addison taps her thigh as they drive out of the driveway. No more words are needed.

Admitting it out loud to anyone, hurt her as much as healed her.

It comes as no surprise that Addison knew way before Meredith even let the thought of telling someone cross her mind.

Afterwards the typical procedure with injection, they hang around the reception when Sam catches the heading to the exit. With three days left of their vacation, time keeps slipping away and Addison opens up more about the pregnancy process to her old friend, while Meredith finds Sam’s book somewhere in the left open office. She comes back with it and playfully makes fun of it, but the man seems to like her enough to crack a smile at her silly comments.

“Next time we visit,” Meredith grins and Addison just loves her when she is being a little shit. “We are staying at the big writer’s house.”

“You will be visiting next time?” Sam raises his eyebrows.

Meredith looks at Addison, who sighs and opens her hands, “Apparently, we will be visiting the next time.”

“You can stay with me,” Sam laughs. “I don’t know, though, what Naomi will say to that. She got you in the divorce, Addie.”

“I was in the divorce?”

“Of course,” Sam says like it’s the most normal thing in the world. “She was kinda mad at you for ghosting her, but she said you’re hers and that’s the end of the story.”

“I mean, fair,” Addison shrugs. “She is my best friend.”

“Hi, guys.”

The three of them turn around to see Pete approaching them, smiling widely, “You’re still around?”

Before they can answer, Sam is called by the receptionist who is having a fight with some client and he runs off to take care of it. Meredith crosses her arms on her chest protectively at the sight of Wilder looking way too eagerly at Addison; and she understands, given the woman that Addison Montgomery is but can he just, politely, fuck off?

It’s their vacation. Two women not needing problems and relationship drama. Just sunbathing, drinking (and regretting it) and… studying for the most important test in her intern career.

“Yeah, we’re staying until Friday,” Addison smiles at him.

“So you’re coming over for our bar meeting again?”

“Unfortunately, our flight is at noon.”

“What a shame,” He tilts his head, the innocent smile turning into a smirk. “Would love to dance with you again.”

Addison runs her hand through her hair which is let down and falls in soft curls, “Yeah, well.” She shrugs and smiles politely at him before reaching out her hand to Meredith, “C’mon, now, Mer,” Their fingers intertwine and she pulls her gently. “We gotta go,” She nods at Pete. “Have a nice day at work. Let’s go.” And holding hands, they walk out of the practice.

Violet walks out of her office, from where she was watching the whole encounter and stands by Pete’s side, who just stares at the women.

“I honestly cannot tell if…”

She looks at her coworker and dunches him, "If what?”

“If they’re really girlfriends or not.”

Pete looks truly thoughtful as the door closes behind the pair and it makes Violet burst out laughing; for her it’s unclear as well, not knowing if Naomi’s jokes are all that there is. She has seen women be so close to each other before and…

She can only shrug, “I guess, we’ll never know.”

He doesn’t move, so she leaves him be, chuckling under her nose.

Notes:

thank you for reading, every comment and kudos will be highly appreciated<3

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meradd playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=8371cb8f3aa24a09

Chapter 18: i don't want control, i want to let go

Notes:

hi guyss
honestly, i am not proud of the shit that goes down in this chapter.
please don't kill me

After getting home before midnight, Meredith decides to take as much sleep as possible before her first day back, but she is awakened before seven by Cristina storming into her house with a brown dress she is supposed to try on.

Throughout the vacation, she has gained a bit of weight, so the dress clings to her curves more tightly than it would normally do, but otherwise, it fits just perfectly fine. The brown colour looks pretty on her and the cut makes her figure look quite nice, so she thinks if Cristina wants her to look this way, she can easily agree on it. She hasn’t seen her person in two weeks and some part of her lingers to want to hug her and take the stress away from her shoulders, but Yang has this wall around herself and it’s just… something Meredith doesn’t exactly know how to deal with.

All the expectations for the first day go to hell when she enters the hospital and finds out about Susan.

“What do you mean Susan was here?” She asks, her voice on the bender as she follows Bailey from the entrance up the stairs and down the hall. “Is here?”

Bailey seems unfazed on the outside, but on the inside, she realises how much anger holds Meredith with each word. Explaining slowly, she repeats, “She came to us with hiccups and is back, and I think we found out there might be a heart murmur-”

“Why did nobody call me?” Meredith rushes forward, enough to outrun Miranda and stand in her way. She feels herself losing control slowly. Just when she opens her mouth again, Richard appears right behind Bailey and Meredith feels even bigger anger when she realises he must obviously know, too. When he stops by the two of them, she stares daggers into him, “It would take one damn call and I would fly back here. No one called me.”

No one. Not Cristina, not Izzie, not George, not even freaking Alex, not like she expected the last one to do. She was frying her ass off, getting drunk, partying with Addison and playing God, preparing Montgomery's body to have a baby while Susan was sick in the hospital, with nobody familiar around. Meredith should have been there, should have been paying back the debt of buying groceries and having an adult actually care about her. Susan has been nothing but friendly and helpful, trying to help build a bridge between Meredith and Thatcher, during all those weeks and trials.

Alone in the hospital, her father and Susan, on their own, left like that. God, why didn’t her father just call her? She would answer, despite all of her doubts.

“Meredith-” Richard starts out.

“Doctor Grey,” Meredith grits through her teeth.

“Doctor Grey, you were on a leave,” Richard says calmly. “We had the situation under control.”

“Not so much since she is back!” She knows her voice is getting too loud and the nurses and other doctors are glaring at her, but she can’t find herself to care.

“Grey, can I finally take you to Mrs Grey or do you prefer to keep on yelling?” Bailey cuts her off within one sentence.

They walk in silence afterwards, leaving Richard behind.

Meredith fiddles with her fingers, twisting them and pulling on the skins around her nails as she follows Bailey through the hospital corridors. She hasn’t expected this day to start like this and all she prays for is to have it end way much better, with Susan back home with her father. Her thoughts cross Addison and she wonders if she has arrived at Seattle Grace yet and if she heard the news about Susan; some part of her got so used to her presence she apparently learned to lean on it.

Feels like a weakness to her, to rely on somebody so much. But all she wants to do is go to Addison and find guidance there and talk her anger out and be understood.

Instead of that, she takes a big inhale before Bailey pushes a door to one of the hospital rooms and Meredith steps inside.

With Susan on the bed, and Thatcher hovering over her, just one step closer, she smiles nervously and wonders what she is supposed to say.

“Hi, hello,” She nods at them while Bailey puts on the stethoscope to hear Susan’s heart once more. “What happened?”

But Susan ignores the question and smiles with one of the most honest and eager of them, “Meredith! How was your vacation? You look so tanned.”

“It was…” Meredith glances quickly at her father. “It was good.”

Bailey ignores the exchange and does her thing before hanging the stethoscope back around her neck, “I hear a small murmur,” Then she places her hand gently over Susan’s forehead. “And she’s got a fever.”

“A heart murmur?” Thatcher repeats, the question strained with fear.

“Don’t be dramatic,” Susan instantly turns to him and catches the hand he places on her shoulder. “At least it’s not the hiccups.”

“Could be complications from endoscopy,” Bailey says.

Meredith looks at her, trying to not show she is alarmed, “Bacterial endocarditis?”

“You’ll have to get tests and if they come back positive, you’ll be admitted for IV antibiotics.”

“Which should knock it right out,” Meredith adds and brings out the most genuine smile she can and feels relief when Susan looks like she’s still positive and smiles back right at Meredith.

“See?” She turns to Thatcher and taps his hand several times. “I told you. Don’t be dramatic.”

Instantly, Meredith is ready to follow Bailey out and help her with the tests. All she wants is to see Susan leave the walls of this hospital; this bad feeling settles in the pit of her stomach, which almost makes her stop walking and linger. Something tells her today is not a good day; and yes, she’s had those thoughts telling her something bad is going to happen ever since Ellis Grey ended up in Seattle Grace and brought Meredith the final reason to give up on life, but today, it’s different. It’s not the trauma and the bad memories scaring her - it’s just this goddamn feeling. She doesn’t stop, though, following Bailey down the hallway.

---

“I’m baaaaack!”

Addison feels herself get almost giddy and she has realised she missed the presence of Callie Torres. When she is after her first consult for today, she makes it her mission of the day to catch up with the woman and she finally bumps into her, it makes her whole day.

“Addison,” Callie shakes her head and crosses her arms on her chest, but a wide smile cannot be held back.

“In the flesh,” Addison says, voice so excited she feels like a kid.

She can’t hold herself back and hugs Callie quickly and despite the discontent in the tone of her voice, Callie hugs her back.

They walk to the nurses' station from the middle of the corridor and mirror each other’s position, hips leaning against the desks, “Amazing that you told me you’re leaving somewhere. With Meredith Grey.”

“Are you jealous?”

“I might as well be,” Callie raises her eyebrow defiantly.

Throughout the stay in Malibu, Addison did get a proposition to join the practice, having a free empty office. She cannot lie and she has to admit that there was a part of her tempted to start all over, a free slat with old friends who weren’t witnesses to the way she fucked up her whole life, starting in New York, ending in Seattle. It would be an easy way out - a new place, a new house, a baby on her own and a new work position. So easy to just leave the problems behind and start over.

But that would also mean leaving this - teasing Callie and listening to her rant about her intern husband. And Addison is not ready to escape good things just to get rid of the bad. She wants Seattle, wants the good, the bad and the worst. She wants to fight and wants her kid to know these people - wants Callie to babysit for her sometimes and wants… Mark. And somehow Derek. And Richard. Even Preston with whom she speaks sometimes. Of course, Meredith. But the last mentioned is so obvious to her, she thinks it doesn’t need mentioning.

“Well, I had to take care of some business and Grey needed time off after the…” Addison stops for a moment, then shrugs, “You know.”

Callie is not one to hold a grudge over that for much longer. She clearly didn’t have anyone to speak to, so she decides to just ignore the Meredith matter.

“Thank God, you’re back, though. Mark was a pain in my ass without you,” She says and rolls her eyes. “Just kept sulking about you not being on talking terms.”

“We’re not talking because of his dumb ass,” She is ready to begin her own rant about that but ends up just waving her hand at that and shaking it off. “Nevermind. Do you know where Karev is? I got him for today and he’s not answering my pages.”

“Probably with Ava. Jane Doe. Whoever,” Callie says and it makes Addison wonder how fast the news travel goes through the hospital since Callie is far away from Jane Doe’s case.

Addison nods and thanks her and just when she is about to walk away, head straight to Alex and chew his ass for ignoring her for a fucking patient - isn’t it giving Isabel’s case with Denny? - Callie stops her one more time.

“Talk to him,” She calls out after her and adds when the redhead turns around, spinning on her heels. “Sloan.”

Addison sighs but nods. She will once she gets any free moment for today. At least, she will just try.

---

The next hours pass Meredith in a flash - after getting the tests back, they have to put Susan on antibiotics and she stays in the room for a long time, right beside her father. It is awkward, indeed, and certainly odd, yet she decides she has to stay. Given, she left just when Susan needed her the most, there is just guilt spilling through her veins - what’s the worst, is it seems that the woman doesn’t really blame her.

She keeps asking about LA - the beach, the drinks and weirdly a lot about Addison. It seems she truly adores Montgomery and Meredith only asks herself: who wouldn’t? It’s a topic that she actually thinks is the safest, because the two of them feel the same about Addison and Susan just seems amazed by the friendship they built. Thatcher listens to all of it patiently and nods with interest when he is supposed to, sometimes even asking his own questions.

That’s not how Meredith imagined her first day back, but it’s nice. She does feel calmer now, to see Susan is just alright. When Richard comes in, to take Susan to the radiology to get a central line to continue the IV antibiotics outpatient, that’s when Susan kicks Meredith and Thatcher out together to the cafeteria. It’s not the smoothest of moves and Meredith says that out loud, actually, which gets Susan laughing as she is pushed on the wheelchair, leaving the two of them alone.

It’s not so bad. Could be much worse, looking at the way she communicates more clearly with Thatcher and they find themselves in silence only twice or three times. After such a nice noontime, she doesn’t expect everything to go to hell, even with that dumb feeling in her belly. But, of course, that’s just pure naiveness.

But when they’re back to Susan, she looks like she is in much pain.

“When did the cramping start?” Meredith asks, her fingers placed on Susan’s stomach as she examines every place.

“A little while ago.”

“What is it?” Thatcher asks, the worry again in his voice.

“Probably nothing serious,” Meredith says, leaning above the woman as she checks every spot. “It could be a reaction to the antibiotic. May have to switch to another one. But it may mean another night here.”

Her dad groans and Susan instantly turns to him, “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

He doesn’t seem convinced.

The worst is, Meredith isn’t either, but doesn’t dare to show it.

Everything goes to hell an hour later.

Running through the hospital after the page from Webber, she just knows.

The sound of Susan gasping for air, almost in agony from all the pain makes her head spin. She loses her temper for a second, for the shortest of seconds before her doctor sense shoots right through her and she enters the room quickly.

“What happened?” She asks loudly, instantly by Richard’s side.

“She’s septic. Sooner we get her to an OR, the sooner we help. Let’s move. Move!” There are three more people around the bed and everyone’s hands are busy while Meredith doesn’t know where to start. Her eyes are stuck on Susan and all she knows is this one of the moments life that she will have in front of her eyes for a very long time. That every time she will close her eyes, it will be this woman’s soft and gentle face twisted in a painful grimace.

Thatcher is in shock, standing and watching the scene unfold, “What happened?”

All Meredith is grateful for is Richard keeping the level-headedness and answering, “Extremely rare complication. Toxic megacolon with a perforation,” He looks at Meredith. “Can you get your dad out of this room?”

“What… This fast… How…”

Meredith approaches him but her hand feel lifeless.

“Sometimes it progresses rapidly, very rarely, but sometimes. We booked an OR,” Richard answers and they begin to pull the bed out of the room, while Meredith catches her father’s elbow, so he stays behind.

“You’re going into surgery now?” He asks, pushing towards Webber. “I didn’t sign a consent form.”

That makes Richard stay for the shortest of moments, facing Thatcher, “She needs surgery right now, Thatcher. Not tomorrow, not later today. Right now.”

When Susan weakly says Thatcher’s name, he almost completely loses it and he wants to follow her. This time, though when he tries to push forward, Meredith finds the strength to stop him. And when she is sure he will actually stay, she runs right after Richard, needing to be by Susan’s side at all times. She has to make sure, she has to be her guardian, she has to pay back for all the kindness.

As the group of them pull the bed and rush through the hallways, Susan suddenly catches Meredith’s hand and looks up at her. No one knows this will be her last sober and aware stare.

“You’re going to be OK,” Meredith tells her, her heartbeat echoing in her ears, and the contents of her stomach going up her throat. “This happens, you’re going to be OK.” And just like that, Susan’s hand falls back onto the bed and her eyes fall shut, her body slowly turning off. “She’s coding! We’re losing her pulse!” Her voice is much louder than she realises and all she can focus on is getting inside the damn OR.

“Let’s go! Let’s move!” Richard yells.

When they finally arrive in the OR and pull her body from the bed onto the operating table, Meredith turns into a machine. There is only one goal in her mind and she is going to do everything in her power. Everything. All she can, all she has learned; she turns off the heartache, she turns off the feelings, only pure cold motivation and belief that doctors are humans that play gods and may do anything they put their mind into.

That’s how it goes. Not with hope, but with a cold heart and power she hasn’t felt in a very long time.

---

Unaware of the terrifying events unfolding inside the hospital, Mark is enjoying his late lunch cafeteria time, sitting alone by the table. There is a brunette nurse a couple of tables across from him that keeps glancing towards him and when their eyes finally cross, he puts on this charming smile of his and winks at her.

Seeing how she falters and gets pink all over her cheeks, he hums to himself, glad to be the way he is. He hasn’t slept with anyone since he talked to Addison - and God knows he tried. He met women in the bars, got nurses starting conversations with him and had so many beautiful opportunities to just let go and do what he likes the most. But the weird feeling was eating him up from inside and then, Addison disappeared and he felt like it was all on him.

So, he might be winking and might be smirking and have the pretty brunette stand up from her table and clearly head towards his. Yet, in the end, he won’t do anything about him.

Mark watches the nurse’s face fall and he wonders what’s wrong just when a familiar voice speaks up from behind him.

“Hey, man-whore.”

He turns his head back just to see Addison standing behind him. She has one of those silky blouses, this time in a dark sapphire colour and it makes her darkened skin look just more alive.

“Red?” Mark cannot help he is quite confused.

“May I take a seat?” She points at the chair next to him and he nods right away.

“Yeah,” He watches her sit down and she has nothing to eat with her, so is she here for him? “Wow. You’re tan. Your hair has highlights. Where the hell have you been?”

“I had a vacation,” She smiles widely, proud of herself, probably of the sudden disappearing and not telling anyone.

It’s not like she was entitled to tell everyone her business, even more to Mark who dropped a bomb on her and then walked away. But Mark dislikes the secrecy, dislikes the running away and just can’t stand the way everything turned out to be.

Addie is here now. All he wants is to make up with her; seeing how she smiles at him, earnestly yet unsure a bit, he might guess that she wants the same perhaps.

“So I heard,” Mark nods and bites into his hot dog.

“Does LA look good on me?” Addison puts her elbow on the table and rests her chin on her hand, head tilting as she stares at him.

Mark’s eyes open wider with understanding, “You saw Sam and Naomi?”

He hasn’t seen his college friends in what must be over half a decade. Despite that, he remembers them so vividly; their nights out together and bumping into each other through the short period of time they spent working together at the same hospital. He remembers him, Derek and Sam getting constantly kicked out of Addie and Naomi’s girls' nights; the going over the bender like they had no sensibility in drinking and responsibilities. He misses being this kind of guy, but it wouldn’t be like him to act like this anymore. Those times are gone and finished and he is now stuck in Seattle, hoping to get Derek back and Addison at the same time.

Is it mission impossible? Probably yes. Will he give up? Not a chance.

“Yes, I did,” Addison nods. “Naomi let me stay over at her place. They got divorced. And God, you wouldn’t believe how big Maya got.”

“Oh wow, divorced,” Mark feels much more surprised than he thought he would. “Everything falls apart, huh?”

That makes Addison go soft, “Mark…”

“Red.”

“Friends again?”

That’s the question he’s been hoping for a long time.

“Cannot say no to this,” He grins at her, his mouth full.

She steals his pudding and takes a clean spoon and begins to eat, nodding - she is obviously surprised how easy it was, so she only lets out a gentle, “Good.” And fills her mouth with the chocolate dessert.

Mark swallows his food and given they are official friends again, he feels free to annoy her.

“Tell me, where there any hot surfers? Any Californian blondes?” He makes that dumb face of his that just screams horniness and the sight of it makes Addison roll her eyes. “Meredith Grey… does she look good surfing in her bikini?”

If looks could kill, Mark would be laying dead in the cafeteria with the other hot dog stuffed in his mouth.

“Mark.”

Sloan grins at her, a smile from ear to ear and she shakes her head like she is embarrassed to be even talking to him. He takes it as his win.

---

The silence echoing through the hospital is much louder than any screams could be.

Derek feels it before he sees it. But just when he turns around the corner, he sees Richard and Miranda walking out of the OR with no words on their lips. They don’t notice him, but they stop walking and he understands what they are waiting for once Meredith leaves the room and joins them. Still, with none of them speaking, the three of them walk slowly down the hallway.

He watches them disappear down another corner and something tells him to follow them.

Of course, he has heard Meredith Grey is back in Seattle Grace, right with his ex-wife; this is the last time he sees her in over two weeks and he cannot understand his own emotions. There is still this enormous part angry and betrayed and disgust and every other ugly feeling the human heart can hold, yet she is Meredith, after all. After spending such a long time together, he can’t see her like an enemy at a long shot.

It’s not the time to think about it. Instead, he follows them and when they arrive at the part of waiting families of the patients and he sees Thatcher seated on one of the chairs, he somehow knows.

Richard and Bailey stop walking and Meredith glances back at them only once before beginning to walk very slowly towards her father.

Derek is glued to the floor, watching the scene unfold.

A bit confused and all he hopes for is that he is wrong, that whatever his head is trying to give him a prompt of what went down is just wild imagination. But Meredith glances back one time around, this time noticing him and when he sees, even from the distance, how red and glossy her eyes are, it gives him every answer he needed.

She begins to talk to Thatcher who stands up all at once when he notices her. Her voice is soft and low, but even here, Derek can hear the familiar we did everything we could.

Words which are just like a curse of medical workers, the worst spell each doctor can ever tell another person.

The slap first comes to his ears, and only a split second later he sees Thatcher raising his hand at Meredith.

Afterwards, he hears a gasp behind him.

Turning around, he sees Addison with her hand pressed against her mouth, shocked. Within one second she sees fires lighting up in her eyes as she stares at Thatcher.

“She had the hiccups! She came here because she trusted you! I trusted you!”

Meredith turns on her heels and rushes towards Bailey, Webber, Derk and Addison, just as far as possible from her sobbing shaking father. There is slight insanity in her gaze, slowly turning to grow and grow and grow.

Some natural instinct moves through Derek, ignoring all the disappointment and blame he wants to throw onto Meredith. He out of the sudden moves, blocking her way and catches her hands, “Meredith, just stop.”

She looks at him like he is a stranger to her, “No, don’t!” She yells and pushes him off, her unforeseen strength making him lose balance. She runs off now, not even trying to act like she isn’t running away. Her steps echo down the hallway on the right, and the sound of it mixes with the terrible rambling of grief that Thatcher is hit by.

Derek wonders if he should follow her, but that’s when he hears stilettos hitting the hospital floor. Turning around, he watches Addison run right after Meredith, calling out her name.

That’s when it hits him - things have fundamentally changed; he can’t really tell if for good, or for bad.

Notes:

instead of regular feedback, you can yell at me under this one. i'm gonna take this on the chin

(find me on twitter where you can yell at me some more: @imshakesqueer)

Chapter 19: every tear’s a rain parade from hell

Notes:

hi, everyone.
sorry for not posting a new chapter last week, let's just say i've been going through a lot of shit and mental health is hard to maintain. but i'm coming back to regular posting since i feel quite okay:)
thank you for the sweet comments, they mean the world to me<3
and now let's get back to seattle angst... ;)

The heels echo through the hospital walls as Addison follows as quickly as she can, while not losing her balance on the stilettos. She sees Meredith’s hair disappearing behind the hallway on the left and just when she reaches the point, a pair of doors slams shut just ten meters away.

It’s one of the storage rooms that cannot be locked from the inside, only outside, so she pulls the door open with ease. She steps inside to see Meredith curled up on the floor, sniffing, her small frame shaking on the cold tiles.

“Meredith,” Addison whispers softly. “Mer.”

The sobbing that comes from her throat is almost murderous. Heart-breaking to hear and to witness.

She doesn’t know how much can she move, what is delicate enough not to worsen the state Meredith has fallen into. She allows the door to be left ajar, to let any of the light into the darkened room and walks closer.

Meredith looks up at her and the sight almost kills Addison. The eyes that used to be full of shining fires throughout their stay in Malibu, now are dim and dull and there are tears pulling down the mascara marking her cheeks; her nose is red and her mouth even darker from how Meredith chews on the fragile skin of her lips. She looks like she hasn’t seen the sun in years, like all the weight of the world has suddenly crushed her.

With finesse, Addison couches in front of her and places her hands on Meredith’s knees, which are pulled against her chest.

“I killed her,” Meredith cries out, voice breaking. “I killed her.”

“You didn’t kill anyone,” Addison tells her, now growing firmer in her words. “You didn’t… you aren’t responsible for this.”

She’s heard about Susan Grey pre-surgery from Karev and her first thought was to catch Meredith in the hallway only when she got a moment of freedom. But today was chaotic and slightly insane and she never managed to catch up with her; she wonders why did nobody tell them, or call them from Seattle. If she only knew, if she only found out, she would be the first to fly back with Meredith and take care of one of the gentlest women she got to meet.

Instead, they were having the best of times. And she is aware enough to realise it’s not on them; even more, Meredith needed that time off. So, she isn’t one to think they are to blame, that Meredith can be blamed even in the littlest bit.

Still, it stings.

And if it stings her, Meredith must be drunk on the anguish and pain overcoming all of her.

When she sees the red imprint of a big hand on her cheek, Addison feels her blood boiling. Her vision gets red from the fury and the moment repeats inside her memory, Thatcher’s hand in the air, landing on the pure skin.

“I fucking hate myself, I should have stayed,” Meredith says between sobs wrecking her body. “I should have stayed dead.”

“Don’t you dare to say it,” Addison puts one of her hands beneath her chin and pulls Mer’s face up so they are looking into each other’s eyes, “Never stay that. You bring so much to the world. You are here for a reason, you stayed for a reason, don’t let that be taken away from you. You tried. You truly did everything you could. It’s not the bullshit doctor talk, you truly fought as much as you could. I wasn’t there, but I still know that you put every single part of yourself to save her, it’s not on you. It’s not on you, Meredith.”

“But isn’t it all true? Wasn’t my mother right?”

Addison might not know what went down, but she is sensible enough to say, “No, she wasn’t.”

But nothing comes through to Meredith and she chokes on her tears and cries out, hiding her face down, curling up inside of her.

Words may not work, but Addison is not leaving. Instead, she shifts closer, all the time crouching and pulls Meredith into her arms. It makes the blonde part her legs, enough for Addison to move between them and despite it being quite an uncomfortable position, Meredith throws her hands around her neck and Addison holds her in her middle. She feels something wet on her shoulder and she realises Meredith is sobbing into her blue scrubs. It doesn’t matter, she doesn’t care.

Somehow Meredith feels even smaller in her arms now and all she does is shush her calmingly, her hand gently patting her back. The unhappiness emanating from Grey is so big that she would never believe someone this petite could feel so much; but it’s not hard to feel it, all the pain and all the misery and the grief.

Meredith just got a part of her family back.

Why the fucking fate is so cruel to take it away instantly? The thought of it makes Addison only grow angrier.

Just as Meredith’s sobs turn quieter, Addison’s pager resounds in the room.

“Fuck,” She murmurs. “Not now.”

Meredith shifts back, onto the cold tiles and Addison brushes back a strand of the blonde hair behind her ear. She checks the pager and sees it’s Mark, who was supposed to pay Ava a visit about her face. She must have some questions about the baby and really, that could wait.

But Addison is also at work.

She shakes her head and puts the pager back down, ignoring it.

“Go.”

She looks at Meredith like she is stupid for even saying that.

“I’m not leaving you,” Addison says simply and intertwines their fingers.

Her pager goes off again and she turns it off.

“Susan died,” Meredith chokes again on her saliva.

“I know,” Addison brushes her thumb against her wet cheek.

“She is dead.”

It’s like she says those words but looks like she doesn’t understand the things she’s spelling. Her eyes are swollen and red and it seems like the tears won’t stop flowing. As if there is a never-ending sorrow inside of her and it just keeps on spilling and spilling and spilling.

If Addison only could take this pain away from her and wear it on her own shoulders, she promises she would. She can survive it on her own, but when she watches Meredith be once again torn apart by life, it’s… unbearable. She just got happy, she just got a bit of herself back; just to fall apart all over again.

“I know and I am so sorry,” Addison speaks gently to her and doesn’t stop wiping the infinite tears off.

“She should have lived,” Meredith whimpers.

“Yes.”

“It’s unfair.”

“I’m so sorry, Meredith.”

The pager goes off again and Addison wants to strangle Sloan with her hands. She knows she has to go if he is so persistent - usually, when it’s about private matters, he would give her one page and wait. Today, it has to be something - and if it isn’t and Addison has to strand Meredith for his own gain, she will commit murder, which will appear as manslaughter.

“Go, Addie,” Meredith tells her and gently pulls her hands away from her face. “They need you. I’ll be fine.”

“You won’t be fine,” Addison murmurs. “You don’t have to lie to me. I know better.”

“Alright, I won’t be fine,” Meredith says. “But that doesn’t change the fact you need to go.”

“Give me a second.”

Addison stands up and exits the storage room. She looks in the direction she came from and just around the corner, Derek is walking in circles. Only when he notices her, he stops and stare at her, many questions in his gaze.

Perhaps it’s a dumb idea given they are not talking, but such things don’t matter when you are grieving someone’s death; they are far above silence. So she makes a gesture, calling him over and he instantly heads her way in a rushed tempo, the white coat raising behind him. She meets him halfway, far enough for Meredith to not hear their conversation now.

“You need to take Meredith home,” Addison says. “I would do it myself but something must have happened with Jane Doe’s baby and I can’t.”

“But-” Derek’s eyes fall on the opened door.

“Take her home,” Just perfectly timed, her pager goes off again. “She can’t stay here. Go through the back exit, don’t let her see Thatcher away. If her roommates aren’t home, stay with her and ignore her if she tells you to go. Don’t let her stay alone at all costs.”

Derek’s eyes widen at the last words, “Did she confess to you? About the Elliott Bay?”

“Derek, it’s really not the time and place to talk about that,” She shakes her head.

They walk towards the storage room and she tells him to stay outside, not look when she goes to get Meredith. She explains to her quietly that Derek will take her home and the grief and shock have overcome her to the point, she doesn’t really listen to a single word Addison speaks to her. She keeps nodding and tears keep flowing and in the end, Addison helps her stand up on the shaky legs.

She hugs her briefly, enough for their chests to touch and Meredith to feel the other heartbeat against her own broken one.

Derek puts his hand on her shoulder blades as he leads her down the opposite direction than the main entrance and they have to go around the whole building. The only sound accompanying them are her sniffles and choked sobs she tries to keep down her throat and he doesn’t dare to speak a word. He feels so out of place, thoroughly startled by the sudden change of today’s plans and that she still feels enough safe to let him lead her through this darkness that has overwhelmed her.

They get inside his car and he has to fasten her seatbelt because all she does is stare ahead and look like a ghost.

He realises he is selfish the moment he opens his mouth two times with questions for his own gain - is she still really a lesbian and hasn’t changed her mind, and what connects her with Addison - however, each time he holds himself back and lets her grieve in peace. It makes him sick a bit, to think that all he can think about now when they are alone for the first time in weeks are things that she probably wouldn’t even remember about in the state she is.

Thankfully, he stays quiet.

When they arrive, he unfastens the seatbelt and goes around his car and opens the door for her.

Two silhouettes are visible in the kitchen window, talking and he feels relief, yet also disappointment that he won’t be going outside.

He leads her to the door and rings the bell, waiting for her.

Izzie opens the door and her eyes widen to see them together.

“Hi?” It’s visible how her heart drops in her chest when she looks better at Meredith’s wet and dirty face. “Oh my God, what happened?”

Meredith doesn’t answer, just pushes herself past Izzie and takes a route towards the living room. Stevens turns back, glancing at her alarmed, hesitating between leaving Derek at the door and running after her and asking him again.

“Susan Grey died,” Derek says quietly, looking through his eyebrows. “Meredith was at the surgery.”

Izzie puts her hand against her mouth, “Jesus. Is she… Obviously, she is not okay.”

“Just… just keep her company, don’t let her sit alone. Watch over her,” Derek says and turns back to leave. His job is done here.

“Are you two back together?”

He looks above his shoulder at Izzie, “No. No, Addison sent me here.”

Now, that makes Izzie understand the situation. Like connecting Meredith and Addison is much clearer than him being seen with Grey anymore; the life he had has completely changed - her ex-girlfriend’s friends with whom he used to spend time all the time at this house now act like it’s weird to see him around. Of course, he is angry, but tonight his anger doesn’t matter much. So, he shrugs and walks away.

---

They took away tequila from Meredith and hid it right by her mother’s ashes are hidden, knowing it was the last place Mer would like to be searching through. But she is still in this state of unawareness, to the point where Izzie has to change her from the scrubs which she wore in the OR into her warm pyjamas. She stays with her, sitting on the bed while Meredith just lays flatly in the middle, staring at the ceiling.

Eventually, Izzie has to go to the bathroom and calls Alex in. He has also changed into pyjamas and lays down next to Meredith, pushing her slightly to make some room. Not a word falls from her lips, she just stares - almost looking like she is not blinking.

Quite a freaky scene to witness, but he is Alex. And he has seen things and been through things, even when he never talks about it. He knows that even the presence of someone can be life-changing in a harsh moment of life, yet he feels like it’s not his place to be with Mer.

“Want me to call Yang?”

“No.”

Her voice is flat and raspy from all the tears and sobs she shared tonight.

“Montgomery?”

“No,”

Alex looks at her, “Then I’m staying.”

“Okay.”

He raises an eyebrow and somehow to see her crying and whimpering is much less scary than this lifeless statue. In the end, he just shrugs at it.

“Really?”

Finally, Meredith moves and tilts her head at him, catching eye contact, “Yeah.”

Falling into a simple silence, Alex feels himself slipping away into the rest a bit, but he promises himself to stay awake, at least until Izzie ends her night routine; she is known for her long showers, though, so he doesn’t expect to see her soon. His eyes roam over the white ceiling and then he just observes everything in Meredith’s bedroom. He must admit that he enjoys living with both of the women - he is not as close to them as O’Malley is, yet it makes him feel homely to come back to people he could almost call friends.

Believing Meredith would fall asleep quickly, he finds out he is very wrong. Because she keeps humming to herself and staring without blinking, so he wonders if she expects him to say something.

He might try, at least.

“She was…”

Meredith hums again and then speaks up, “She was an amazing woman and I killed her.”

“Oh, don’t talk bullshit,” Alex throws.

Delicate or not, he is not one to play dumb.

“I have blood on my hands,” She raises her slender hands and waves them in the air. “See?”

Alex catches one of them and scrunches his face in disgust, “It’s the snots you wiped off your face, not blood. You didn’t kill anyone.”

She drops her hands back onto her stomach and shakes her head.

“People just sometimes… go away,” Alex finds himself surprised when the words escape his mouth. “And it’s usually the good ones. The bad ones get the luck they don’t deserve, while it’s the ones who are the kindest and the warmest get taken away.”

“It’s unfair,” Mer’s voice gets weaker.

“And it’s fucking unfair.”

The anger and bitterness in his voice, that’s what makes her move. She rolls over on her side and looks at him. Her stare is sober for the first time in hours; she looks at him like the words have finally started coming through. Slowly understanding she has made it out alive, meanwhile, someone who deserved it, as well, did not.

“I like you, Alex,” She tells him. “The honest side. The real you.”

Alex’s cheek hits the pillow as he looks back at her, “Thank, I guess.”

“Will you stay?”

“I’ll stay.”

Staying on her side, Meredith’s muscles slowly lose the tension and ten minutes later she is dead asleep. There are still mascara smudges on her face and she looks look like something the cat dragged in, but she is safely away in her dreams.

Just a moment later, Izzie comes out of the bathroom and quietly walks through the open door to find Meredith with her hand on Alex’s middle, as if making sure he truly doesn’t leave. They look at each other, Alex shrugging his shoulders and Izzie clearly worried.

“You’re okay to stay with her?” Her words are whispers, careful not to wake her up.

“Yep.”

“If anything happens throughout the night…”

“I’m just one door away,” Alex reassures her. “I’ll get you if the situation gets ugly.”

Izzie turns around to leave and is already in the hallway and reaching for the door to her room, she turns back and peeks inside one more time. He notices her immediately.

“She’ll get through this one, right?”

“She is Meredith Grey. She has to.”

Notes:

every feedback will be very appreciated (i go crazy about comments)!
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
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Chapter 20: we will send out an army to find you

Notes:

hi everyone!!
we've reached chapter 20! yeeehawww
honestly, if someone told me those five months ago how much love and attention this little silly fanfic of mine would get, i surely wouldn't believe them. i am eternally grateful for every kudos and every comment and your sweet words make my entire week:)
this chapter is a big boy and if you thought we would leave dark & twisty angst... well, then...

hope you'll enjoy it! xx

The night before the intern test is pure chaos.

“What percentage of Americans will get an acute appy?”

Addison is seated on the big armchair while Meredith, Izzie and Alex are on the couch, staring at her with big eyes and try to yell through each other the right answers. She smiles at how eager they are, and can’t help herself but just laugh at them.

But it’s Cristina who is on the edge of the wooden coffee table that wins with her loud, “Seven percent!”

George left a quarter earlier, after a call from Callie.

It didn’t go unnoticed by Addison to see how Izzie’s jaw clenched tighter and Torres’ voice being audible from the phone; she has started paying attention to the two of the interns ever since Callie told her her fears about cheating. And let’s just say plainly that Addie has a big knowledge about cheating and where the clues are.

She won’t be meddling in the situation, but the signs are there.

However, she is not here to snitch and spy on her students but to help them out.

“What’s Conn’s syndrome?” She asks and points at Meredith who is the first person to slap her thigh.

“Hypercortis cortisolism!”

Alex instantly fixes it, “Primary hyperaldosteronism.”

“Karev’s right,” Montgomery announces.

Meredith flips him off and the group laughs, sipping on their drinks - this night they are alcohol-free since they are getting up first thing in the morning, if they are going to sleep at all. The past three hours were spent with Addison finding questions that get just harder and harder; they use Callie’s flashcards as well. She feels more and more sleepy, so she sends Cristina to bring some coffee and Yang only nods, pouring two cups of the dark drink for them.

It’s getting late and late and eventually, Meredith breaks. She does realise her friends will probably stay up until dawn, but she has lost the strength and endurance - she finds herself slipping off into sleep a couple of times per day. Whether she is home, or at the hospital, she either sleeps in her bedroom or scurries off into the on-call rooms.

She excuses herself and climbs up the stairs. But back in her bedroom, she has no energy to even change into pyjamas.

There is this weird sensation in her chest, like something is slowly cracking open. She fears one moment it will completely snap open and everything buried deep underneath will flow outside, for everyone to see. And she is so tired of acting like she doesn’t have a heart, like her heart isn’t capable to get broken. But from the other side, she is tired of having this goddamn heart at all.

A soft knocking resounds in the room.

"Come in!"

The warm light from the hallway pours inside her dark bedroom and she feels herself growing warmer when Addison’s face pops in as she leans into the room.

“May I?”

Meredith sits up and brushes her hair onto her back, “Sure.”

She turns on the lamp on her nightstand, so Addison may close the door behind them, giving them privacy, away three every greedy pair of ears down the stairs. Addison is holding her big purse and a paper bag in the other hand, settling both of them on the edge of the bed.

“I didn’t know if you are prepared for tomorrow,” She says and hands the paper bag to Meredith. Then, she pulls out a dark cloth item and steps away for the dress to unroll, presenting it. “But I thought I would buy you a black dress just in case. I hope I’m not overstepping any line.”

She bites her bottom lip, hesitating and waiting for Meredith to react.

“Addison,” Meredith sighs and it scares Addie at first, thinking she just overdid herself and got her nose into not in her business. “Thank you so much. I had something prepared but this dress is much better. How much should I pay you back?”

Now, that outrages Addison.

“Don’t be daft, Mer,” She waves her hand at that and folds the dress. “Nothing. Can you just try it on? We’ll see if it fits.”

“Okay.”

Whether it’s how comfortable they got with each other, or the pure exhaustion that Meredith doesn’t even feel like stepping outside the room and moving to the bathroom… She just slowly pulls the shirt she has on through her head and somehow messes her earring with the hem of the shirt and cannot pull it higher, so Addison steps in.

“Wait, you’re all tangled,” She reaches to the side of her face and gently pulls out the earring, which finally lets go of the fabric. “Now, go ahead.”

Meredith throws the shirt back onto the bed. Then, she reaches for the dress and pulls it over her head, standing up and when the material falls onto her body, unzipped, she leans down to pull her jeans down and steps out of them.

“Let me zip you up,” Addison says.

They move in front of the mirror on the door of the wardrobe, where Addison pulls the zipper up and she glances into the reflection above Mer’s shoulder, taking in the view. She would say she looks beautiful - because Meredith truly does, with the way the material fits her nicely, exactly her size - but her face is hollow. She examines herself and pure emptiness emanates from her gaze, even when she looks up at Addison.

“I think it’s decent for a funeral,” Meredith murmurs. “Thank you, again, Addie.”

“Don’t mention it,” Addison puts her hands on both of her sides and taps the dress, straightening it out. “Now, go change into pyjamas and you’re off to sleep.”

“Why are you mothering me?”

“Because you have a big day tomorrow.”

In the end, Meredith listens to Addison but promises to take a shower in the morning, reluctant to take even one small step outside her room. While Addison folds the dress back into the paper bag, she stays back to changing Meredith and is the one to cover the blonde with the bedsheets and make sure she is comfortable.

Saying their goodbyes, Addison is almost out of the room when a sudden loud voice stops her.

“Addie!”

Meredith has sat up on the bed, the lights already out - her eyes are the only thing shining in the darkness.

“Yes, Meredith?” Montgomery keeps her voice quieter but she stops in her tracks.

“Can you stay?” She keeps it down this time. “Just until I fall asleep.”

Without a word more, Addison turns around and shakes off her shoes by the bed, surrounded by complete silence and darkness. Even the curtains are pulled down, cutting them off from the moonlight of a full moon.

They settle side by side. At least until Addison opens her arms and suggests with this one movement for Meredith to enter them. She falls into her embrace like it’s all she needed for the past two days they haven’t seen each other and is snoring within a matter of fifteen minutes. But Addison stays longer, losing the sense of timing until she hears a door close on the other side of the hallway. Only then, she slowly puts Meredith in the middle of the mattress, just like she likes the most, for her head to fall between two pillows - she knows it’s not the best for her spine, but all she cares about now is for her to get a full night of sleep.

She checks if she set the alarm in her phone early enough and takes one last glance at the blonde.

To see her so peaceful, it should ease her mind. But instead, her heart races with fear of how much Meredith can take. Because when she thinks about one more hit, all that appears in her head are flashbacks of the blue body on the table, with people fighting to bring her back. She is not sure if they would be able to do that once again, if Meredith would let them. For now, they need stay to the present and not imagine things going downhill.

So, she says goodbye to Cristina and Alex who stayed downstairs and leaves into the night, praying for a better tomorrow.

---

The morning is foggy and she gets dressed up in a trance, like a robot.

She throws a black coat over the dress and throws her bag over her arm, then loudly bangs the door shut to her bedroom. Wondering if her roommates got any sleep, she walks downstairs, already hearing their voices coming from the kitchen. Meredith heads straight there, already catching up with the topic.

“What’s the most frequent cause of diarrhea in hospitalised patients?” Alex asks.

Izzie and Cristina talk through each other, but neither of them gets the answer right. And this time, Meredith finds herself unfortunate enough to actually know it.

Just when she enters the kitchen and walks past her friends, she speaks up, “Most frequent cause of diarrhea in hospitalised patients is C. Diff, which can lead to toxic megacolon, perforation, sepsis, and death.” She pours black coffee into a cup and turns to the three faces staring at her. “That’s what killed Susan.”

It leaves everyone quiet, the silence ringing in the kitchen but she heads outside with the coffee and the umbrella she picks on her way, walking out without any word. Leaving her friends to probably talk about her, but at this point, she really couldn’t care less. All she wants is for her day to be over, first the rounds, then the funeral and the test.

She drinks the whole coffee on her drive to Seattle Grace and leaves the empty cup on the passenger’s seat.

Entering the hospital, everything feels too much and too soon and everything is just wrong.

Yet, a smile creeps up on her face, the first one in days, when Addison catches the sight of her in the elevator and turns all around, rushing down there. The doors start to close but she manages to catch them and push them apart, jumping into the elevator.

“I brought myself a black dress, just in case,” Addison tells her without any greeting.

“Addison…”

Meredith’s eyebrows furrow softly together and her eyes soften, looking up at the redhead. She doesn’t know what to say.

“But if I feel right, and I think I do, I feel like you want and need to do this on your own.”

She has never been more thankful for somebody reading her mind. She doesn’t need to explain the tangled thoughts of her mind; as if she can just stay silent, yet someone will understand her. Addison reminds her of Cristina from this side, because her person somehow finds herself always realising when Meredith needs to stay alone or when she needs to have someone on her side, to help her fight off the demons and obstacles.

“Yes,” She nods and turns her head back at the front of the lift.

“Okay,” Addison breathes out and reaches out to squeeze her hand in hers for a second before letting go. “I’m here for you, though, all the time.”

“I’ll remember that.”

They get off on the same floor but take different routes, so Addison smiles reassuringly one last time at Meredith and then, heads down to Ava. After checking up on her healthy baby, she is called by Derek downstairs and she finds herself in the middle of saving three evacuated guys, with frost-bite and serious trauma.

However, Derek, Mark and Preston find themselves taking care of the situation and just when she leaves to head back to Ava and Alex who is supposed to watch over until the intern test, she bumps into Walter and Joe. Bringing their surrogate mother, she has no choice but actually help them out and take care of her. After running some tests, she is back rushing through the hospital, everything rolling as it usually does around Seattle Grace.

She knows that around eleven Meredith is supposed to leave for the funeral, so she hopes to bump into her one more time and hug her before she has to go.

Sighing happily she is halfway through the corridor when she notices Grey and Yang walking side by side, Cristina keeping Meredith busy and questioning her for the test.

That’s when it all goes to hell.

Thatcher falls out from one of the elevators, stumbling in his drunken state and his eyes are roaming the whole ground until his eyes find Meredith.

“Meredith,” George is quicker to call out for her.

“George, I gotta go,” She dismisses him and turns around from Cristina.

If Addison only could, she would turn back the time and make Meredith take a different path through the hospital. She wants to turn back time so badly when the man marches if that can be even called marching with the way he is infatuated, heading straight at Mer.

Richard seems to notice it quickly enough to step close to the blonde.

“Hey, I was just on my wa-”

“No,” Thatcher cuts her off, spelling his words weirdly clear for his state. “I came here to tell you you’re not wanted. I don’t want you at any funeral, Meredith.”

Meredith’s face is pointed to a different side, and unable for Addison to see her expression. She grabs onto the counter of the nurses’ station, standing right behind O’Malley and feels her heart fold inside her chest. Can she take Meredith away? Can she just go there and pull her back, away from the hurtful words that will surely fall from Thatcher’s mouth? Can she just fucking stop it from happening? Is it her place to do that?

“Why don’t you come with…” Richard starts out.

It only makes Meredith’s father fume more and he points his finger accusingly at Webber as if threatening him. Then, he turns back to Mer, “She trusted you. She came to you for help and first, you weren’t here, and then, you killed her. You did. You killed my wife. You took her from me.”

Molly Grey rushes into the scene when she only gets off the elevator and tugs gently on his arm, but he shrugs her off.

His movements are unstable and each time his hand goes up into the air, Addison’s knuckles turn whiter and whiter, fearing for him to lay his hand again on his first daughter.

“So, I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to hear from you. And I do not want you anywhere near her funeral! Do you understand me?”

“Dad. Dad, come on,” Molly pulls him away, with all strength she has. “Lexie’s waiting in the car.”

But Thatcher is deaf to her words, his eyes lit up with disgust and agony and set straight at Meredith, whose face stays blank and unmoved, eyes dry and lips pressed tightly together. He keeps on staring daggers into her, even when Molly manages to drag him away.

“She was everything to me. All I had.”

With those words, he leaves, his daughter with pain written all over her face, clearly embarrassed. No one moves, no one speaks. Izzie, George and Cristina stare at Meredith, while Richard stays by her side and gently puts his hand on her back.

It makes her flinch and she blinks for the first time in a long moment.

That’s when Addison decides to step in.

She passes the interns and gently puts her hand on Meredith’s elbow, “Mer?” Her voice is quiet and tender. “Meredith.”

When Meredith looks at her with coldness, she knows that’s her last straw. There is no softness, no communication, nothing that they learned together how to share their pain. All those weeks of working over Mer’s trauma are gone within one stab of that disappointing wreck of a man and a father.

Meredith shakes off her hand and shakes her head, “No. No. I’m not doing this.”

“Meredith.”

There's a plea in Addison’s voice.

“Leave me the fuck alone.”

With that, Meredith pushes Richard with her shoulder and runs off. Addison is set back after the brutal words, treated by Meredith like that for the first time… ever. She is hurt and she is in pain, but to get herself so lost in this cruel intertwine of being stranded by both of her parents. So, the first thing that the redhead thinks of is to run right after her.

“Stop, Addie,” Richard catches her hand. “Give her space.”

“She can’t be alone-”

“Addison,” He quiets her down, as she doesn’t even realise how loud her voice got and that everyone is staring at them. “Come with me.”

The two of them leave the scene, Richard leading with Addison trailing right behind him. All there is inside of her is worry; she doesn’t care that Meredith was unkind, she couldn’t care less about that, the biggest problem is that Grey got over the edge and is now falling down, unlikely to let anyone catch her and help her.

It’s a pure wonder for Addison to see Richard so stable, so under the control of his emotions.

Because the only thing she sees before her eyes is catching Thatcher and sending her big fist straight into his face.

They get inside his office and she falls heavily on the chair, while he sits quietly on his swivel chair.

“What are we supposed to do now?” Addison asks. “She isn’t able to write the test in this state. She… She is not okay.”

“No, she is not,” Richard intertwines his fingers into a fist, his elbows resting on each side of the chair. “I will go check up on her-” He raises one hand when she opens her mouth to bark at him. “You can’t do that, you always respect her personal space and don’t let the emotional part of you ruin that. She pushed you away because she is hurt and she will push everyone else away. I trust her with you, that’s why I let the two of you run off into LA, because you wouldn’t push her the way… other attendings do.”

Addison nods and runs her fingers through her hair in a nervous habit, feeling her bottom lip trembling.

“You’re right,” She nods. “But she is alone with all of it.”

“Give her a moment, a day,” Richard smiles at her, trying to ease her stress. “Tomorrow her best friend is getting married, she will find the power and capacity to get up again, even if it is for Yang only.”

“Will you go see her?”

“Yes, right before the exam,” Richard leans towards her. “Addie, go home if you need to, just don’t jump on Meredith if you pass her by.”

“No, I’m fine here. I’ll let her breathe.”

She never believed being ignored like that would hurt like motherfucker, not after being neglected by Derek for years. Yet the feeling of an ocean stretching out between her and Meredith is bone-crushing. The space reminding her of the months she spent alone, every laugh faked and every smile faux.

Meredith will come back to her, will swim through the distance between them - Addison was there for her to learn her to appreciate depths of water, even if they are dark and full of unknown - so, she knows, the moment will come. And they will come back to the familiar warmth of each other’s company and the good times will find them once again.

She isn’t being naive to think that, right?

---

Alex realises he might not be the greatest of their intern group but oh boy, he does feel like he just smashed that test.

Proud of himself, he strolls outside the room, right behind Stevens and Yang and is stopped, just like them, by distressed George.

“She didn’t write a thing on the test,” George tells them. “She just sat there, without picking up a pen.”

Now, that is a problem.

“Dude, what do you mean?”

“She will fail. She failed.”

The four of them stare at each other, wide-eyed and lost. There are no words to be said to this and they decide to follow down the corridor where just Meredith went, just to find her sitting in the reception on one of the green chairs, staring straight ahead of her. Lifeless, empty.

It’s George who decides to ignore his paging and skips down the stairs to sit by her side.

Alex, just like Cristina and Izzie goes where they are needed, but he comes around after half an hour. Meredith was always there for him when he failed and needed someone to guide him; so yeah, it’s the feeling of need to recompense for the support and help that leads him to sit by her side.

“Are you going to give me a motivational speech, too?” She asks, her voice low, with no energy.

“Nah,” He shakes his head.

Knowing too well, he knows nothing said out loud might save her. But his presence can be the littlest he can do, so he just sits with her. People pass them by - surgeons, nurses, patients, families. Yet, they stay in silence until Alex gets paged again, this time by Addison.

The idea grows then inside his head.

Leaving Mer behind him, he isn’t even sure she noticed that he left.

He decides he won’t even wait to ask his question for later and stops Addison, who, after noticing him, turns back to him and walks towards the patient’s room. He catches her elbow, stopping her from walking inside.

“Doctor Montgomery.”

Addison turns around and furrows her eyebrows, alarmed by the look on his face.

“Karev?”

“It’s Meredith,” Alex breathes out, then calms himself down, surprised by the feeling in his voice. But when he tries to become emotionless, all he can see is Meredith studying with him and then, flashbacks of the night he watched over her after Susan’s death. “She- She didn’t pass the intern test.”

“How do you know that?” Addison looks at the watch on her wrist. “You took the test one hour ago, the results come tomorrow.”

“She didn’t write anything. She sat there and didn’t answer any questions.”

She looks at him, her expression mirroring how her heart drops in her chest and all of her insides twist, “She won’t pass it,” Her words are quiet and full of distress.

Alex nods.

He truly is counting on her; despite he might sometimes act like a brat and pretend he doesn’t see how much smarter she is, and the thing that was between them in the past makes it all more complicated. But this time it’s about a person they both care for. It can all be left behind, with a focus on Meredith’s future, which for now is heading straight into destruction.

“What do we do?” He asks.

The gaze that was set somewhere behind him, as Addison’s buried herself deep in her thoughts becomes aware once again and she looks at him with determination.

“Well, we make her pass it.”

---

It takes one quick walk through the hospital and an attack on Richard’s office for Addison to find a way through.

“Should I go get her?” She asks him standing at the exit. “Or should I send someone else?”

“Get Stevens.”

It stings to know Meredith doesn’t want to see her, but she is the last person to not respect her wishes. Maybe she acted out of the line to put herself in the Thatcher situation, or maybe she was wrong to do that, but either way, it does not matter now.

Paging Izzie, she sends her to get Meredith to the Chief’s office.

And Izzie does her role perfectly, finding a way to pull Meredith u and push her up the stairs, trying to wake her up from the trance.

“Thank you, Stevens, you can go now,” Richard tells her, sitting on the chair closest to the door.

“We’ll be waiting right outside,” Izzie tells her and smiles warmly.

Meredith turns to look at her, “You don’t have to.”

“Shut up.”

Izzie pulls the door closed and disappears, leaving Grey standing awkwardly and looking askance at Richard. When he says nothing, just watching her, she steps from one foot to the other and sighs, “If you called me here to lecture me…”

“There’s a copy of the intern's exam on the table,” Richard cuts her off, voice firm yet gentle. “Some number two pencils, a bottle of water and a sandwich, if you get hungry,” He stands up, brushing his hands together. “I’ll send a proctor in and I’ll come back in a few hours and check on you.”

Clearly, she is trying to build a wall between them, another one when she puts her arms around herself, trying to keep her distance, “You are still not my father.”

Richard only puts his calm gaze on hers, realising how badly damaged she is, has been since the day that the kid inside of her realised no one ever fought or will fight for her. He knows he is way too late and had many occasions to stand up for her, but he never did. All he can do now is attempt to fix the mistakes of the past.

“I know that.”

Her eyes fall from him to the floor when a tear springs from her eyes and she wipes it off quickly.

And he can’t help himself, can’t let this girl in front of him just stand here alone, drowning under the pain. He puts his arm around her and instead of pushing him away, her head falls against his chest and she lets him simply hold her.

Richard won’t ever be her father. But he can be something better than that.

She cries until her face dries and he embraces her through all of it, until she is ready to try again.

---

Addison can’t keep herself away, so instead of leaving the hospital at the end of her shift, she finds herself peeking into the room where Meredith is writing the test again. Sitting with her back to the window, she can solemnly focus on the questions.

Just then, she gets a surprising text.

Derek:
Come to the Emerald City tonight.

It is intriguing, to the point she actually has to do that.

Before, though, she approaches the interns on the stairs, where the four of them are sitting in silence waiting for the last one of them.

“Yang,” Addison says and has the woman turn up her head, eyes big, seeing who is talking to her. “I need you to call me after Grey writes the test. Do you have my number?”

Cristina shakes her head, eyes never growing smaller. She pulls out her cell phone from her pocket and hands it to Addison, who quickly types in her number and grants her a small smile.

Mark:
Red, we are waiting for you

She frowns again and heads straight outside.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated<3 (i do my little dance of happiness to every comment lol)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
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Chapter 21: may these memories break our fall

Notes:

hi! happy pride month everyone, hope this month will treat you well<3
as always, an enormous THANK YOU for all the sweet comments, the smile they give me every week just makes updating my favourite part of monday:)
one last chapter before cristina's big day!
hope you'll enjoy this one<3

The Emerald City is packed with people.

But Addison does not have a problem with noticing three of her colleagues sitting around a table somewhere in the middle, snacking cashew nuts.

“Hey,” Derek is first to notice her approaching.

She stops by the fourth, empty, chair and puts her purse down, “This is what you invited me to? This is your big bachelor party?” She shrugs her coat off, down her shoulders and places it right on the back of the chair, watching Derek, Mark and Burke who smile at her. It’s easy to tell they haven’t drunk yet, given how forced those smiles are.

“It was last minute,” Derek explains. “I needed warm bodies.”

“Which would explain why I’m here,” Mark adds, smirking.

“Why am I the only girl, by the way?” She mirrors his smirk. “What, am I the entertaining? I am not stripping,” She adds.

“That’s okay, we’ve seen it already.”

“True.”

Preston shifts in his seat, “I haven’t.”

It makes Addison laugh and ease into the situation after a whole day of heavy work and stress for Meredith - she still hasn’t got the call but she talked to Yang like twenty minutes ago, so she decides to let it go for now. When she gets the call, then she will get the call. That’s it. Meredith is a big girl and a very smart one and she should not worry.

“Yeah. Well, why don’t I buy you a drink instead,” She reaches down to her purse and pulls out her wallet. “First round’s on me.”

Mark instantly stands up, “I’ll give you a hand with those.”

They leave Derek and Preston, who dialogue quietly, the noise of the bar overpowering their steady voices.

She enjoys Mark’s presence after they made up and they stand side by side as she orders a round of random shots from Joe, who goes to work right away. She swings her hips and pushes Mark playfully, making him look down at her.

“You’re happy,” He notices. “Bad happy. It’s that bad happiness.”

“Oh, it is indeed,” Addison sighs, still grinning. “Today tested my mental strength and I’m hanging on a thread. I really need this alcohol.”

“The thing with Grey got to you?”

He looks at her like he knows something she doesn’t. The first time he looked this way at her was the night he told her he ruined their deal and slept with someone else; she can’t understand the shine in his eyes, which is close to resembling affection, like he is…

Okay, Addison doesn’t what this is about. But the only times he looked at her like this was when she spoke about Meredith Grey.

“I mean, why wouldn’t it?” She says. “She was getting better, Mark. Really. You should have seen her in LA. At first, it wasn’t pretty, but with every day she just started to heal. She even went swimming - real swimming. After everything that went down in Elliott Bay, she went swimming, on several occasions. She forgot the- I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

“Hey, Red,” Mark puts a hand around her shoulders, pressing her close to him. Such an intimate move for her, that it makes her grow just soft. “Tell me, rant to me about anything you need. I like Grey, I think she is great, we have our own drinking club. So, if you care about her like this, means she is important and she deserves the attention that you give her. You can talk to me about her if it weighs you down. You need someone to rely on, too, and I’m here. Friends, right?”

“Right.”

She nods and just then Joe puts their shots on the tray, which Mark takes, “I’ll take care of those.”

Shining one more smile at the bartender and at her, he leaves and heads back to their table.

Addison puts her money on the counter, “So, hey, how’d it go with Rita?”

It makes Joe’s smile grow smaller, “Oh, well… Walter took her to the bus station. I’m pretty sure he was wishing it was me he was dropping off.”

“Uh,” She makes a sympathetic face. “That bad, huh?”

As he hands her the spare change, Joe speaks further, “If I can’t make it through an ultrasound without breathing into a paper bag, how am I going to handle a kid? Forget about twins.”

She reaches her hand to catch his one, “You two are going to make great parents. Okay? Whenever that happens.”

Letting go, she smiles at him reassuringly and steps back.

“You ever think about having kids?”

The question makes her feel actual butterflies in her stomach. All she wants to is to spill her secret, but it is so sweet and intimate and hidden and she shared it only with one person and that’s enough for now.

“All the time,” Is all she says before going back to her companions.

---

Meredith feels herself becoming more peaceful with each passing minute she spends in the kitchen, cutting limes into slices.

She took the test again. She answered every question. She had Izzie drive her home, right with Cristina and Callie. She is back home. She is okay. She survived.

However, Cristina is quite the opposite of her - she grows frantic with each second.

“What the hell am I supposed to do about the stupid vows?”

Meredith looks up at her from the limes, at the same time as Callie from behind Cristina, “You still haven’t written anything?” She asks with disbelief.

It makes her almost laugh a bit, the face Torres does, hearing that.

Callie might be having beef with Izzie, and Meredith is a close friend of Stevens’ but she can’t help but find herself growing more fond of Callie. And she thinks that Cristina feels the same - from what she hears the three of them, when Mer was gone, went shopping for the bridesmaids’ dresses. It might be awkward and weird with Izzie acting all odd and strange, but Callie… She is okay. Besides, she is Addison’s friend and Meredith trusts Addison's choice of people she surrounds herself with.

Addison.

She fucked up with her today.

And Addie never came back to see her again, which only tells her more about how Montgomery must feel about her cruel words.

“Oh, it’s stupid crap,” Cristina throws her hands up in the air.

That makes Meredith pull out of her thoughtful state.

“No, it isn’t,” Izzie cuts in.

“Oh, what am I supposed to say? I swear to love you and cherish you every moment of every day of my life?” Cristina turns around to look at Callie for support. “I mean that’s not real, that’s not how it works, right?”

Callie shrugs, “It does, at first. Then…”

When Cristina turns back to look at Meredith, Meredith finishes, “It passes.”

All she wants to do is black out the next part of the conversation, where Izzie starts speaking as some artistic unhappy romantic and Callie glares at her. So, she puts down the knife and leaves the limes alone, then swings a big gulp from the tequila bottle. She hopes they all get drunk before Izzie and Callie start a fight and swing fists at each other.

---

After three rounds, they are well into the state of tipsiness; Addison lost the tension in her shoulders, Derek is slowly shifting down his chair, looking like he could fall under the table any moment now and Mark is rocking left to right to the music which is muted by the loud conversations. Only Burke looks exactly the same way as before, stable, elbows on the table, fingers intertwined together.

“The girl by the counter is really hungry for you,” Mark says slowly, his eyes glued to the brunette with short hair and pretty hips, which she sways to the rhythm of the song.

From time to time, she turns back and steals a flirty look at Derek, blushing. She is drinking alone and seems like she is not going to stop for a longer time.

“She already tried to buy me a drink,” Derek murmurs and smiles towards her.

Addison must admit that the girl is beautiful and she herself wouldn’t mind buying her something good to drink. And since Derek and Meredith aren’t a thing anymore…

“You’re a free man, aren’t you?”

He looks at her, eyes sad, looking like a kicked puppy - that is certainly his superpower to make everyone feel bad for him, even when in reality he is an arrogant asshole.

“Not now,” He shakes his head and down his shot within one second, the rest of them following right after. “I am busy here, organising the bachelor party.”

“We can invite her,” Preston opens his hands, tilting his head. Only a small curl of the corner of his lips indicates he is playing with Shepherd.

“No, I’m going to stay a free man.”

When it’s Derek’s turn to get the next round, they wait for him and he comes with additional four shots, saying they need to pick up the pace a bit.

Perhaps it’s the alcohol in Mark’s veins that makes him lose the sense of what questions he can and which he cannot. Not like he was good at differentiating those sober, but now it only gets worse, making a question that half of the hospital has in mind, “What went down with you and Meredith?”

Addison normally would feel her body tense, but only when the question is out in the air, she and Burke pick up their shots.

“That’s none of your business,” Derek says, voice loud and angry.

“She didn’t even tell Cristina,” Preston says. “She rants to me every morning about it.”

Three pairs of eyes set on Addison. Mark and Burke are clearly curious, while Derek is sending her some kind of signal not to say anything if she only knows. However, Addison truly does not hold the knowledge about it.

“I don’t know anything either,” She raises her hands in a peaceful manner. “I know nothing, officers.”

---

“Have you ever experienced with girls?”

Izzie is half-sitting, half-lying on the couch, a hand on her cheek, holding up her head. She has thrown her feet into Cristina’s lap, who surprisingly doesn’t push her away, sipping on her strong drink. Both of them look chilled while Meredith’s shoulders tense right away at the question.

She begins to choke with tequila halfway down her throat.

Callie moves on the carpet where the two of them are seated and taps her back until the liquid runs down her throat and she can breathe.

“Yeah,” Cristina says blandly, looking thoroughly drunk at this point. “College times and all that bullshit.”

Wiping away her wet mouth, Meredith feels herself growing hot.

Callie is the next to speak up, “No, not really. I regret it sometimes.”

It’s Meredith’s time to say something but she stays frozen. Her knuckles turn white holding onto the glass and she worries she will break it if she doesn’t loosen her hold. However, no matter how hard she tries to let go, her fingers stay glued in place. Feeling dizzy, there is a need inside of her to get up with any stupid excuse and hide in the bathroom for a moment, until the topic passes on.

But her legs don’t work and she can’t find the strength to stand up and escape it.

You could come out.

It’s only her person. And Izzie. And Callie. None of them is a raging homophobe, none of them holds her to some kind of expectations. Friends. They’re friends.

Derek was a friend, too.

That’s it when it comes to coming out.

Just play it cool.

It might be the perfect solution.

Meredith can do cool, can do casual.

So she tilts her glass and downs some of the tequila, feeling like her muscles lose up a bit and she can look her friends in the eyes.

“Did someone make you regret?” Izzie asks.

After an hour, she and Callie found some kind of golden means to not look at each other like they were about to claw out each other’s eyes. Is it alcohol? Probably. Whatever it truly is, Meredith feels glad to obviate the danger of having an MMA fight in her living room.

“Okay, hear me out,” Callie raises her hands, spilling a bit of the alcohol on the ground. “Addison Montgomery.”

Meredith is taking another sip and she chokes again.

This time, it must look comical because Cristina and Izzie burst out into laughter instantly, falling on the couch in weird positions. They are choking, too, and Yang is pointing her finger at Meredith as if saying look at her face!

“Nooooo,” Cristina puts down her glass. “Really?” She looks at Callie.

“I can see it, though,” Izzie cuts in. “I mean the pencil skirts thing? Hot.”

The blush that blooms on Meredith’s cheeks is so deeply red she looks like a tomato. She is never looking Addison in the face again. She is escaping, much further than LA so she never has to face her. Not a damn chance.

“The satin blouses,” Cristina adds, voice faking dreaminess. “Fancy.”

“See what I’m talking about?” Callie asks.

Izzie agrees with her, probably the only thing they agree on, “Valid.”

“Very valid,” Cristina says.

“And you, Mer?”

Izzie has a tipsy smile stretching on her lips and she shakes with laughter when she sees Meredith’s burning face.

“Me what?” It’s a scared squeal.

So cool.

When Cristina leans on her seat with a smirk and lowers her voice the way she does when she teases others, Meredith knows she is done for.

“Did you see Satan in a bikini on the beach?”

“Oh my God, let me guess - she has a red bikini!”

Meredith is truly close to murdering Izzie Stevens.

Both for talking about Mer’s friend like this and for… making Meredith remember how actually sexy she looked in that fucking red bikini. Because she is not supposed to think about a person who supported her and followed her down hell like a subject. She is not a stupid guy to drool over her girl friends. Or one exceptionally attractive woman friend.

“I am not talking about Addie’s bikini. Or pencil skirts. Or hot unbuttoned silk blouses.

“So you do think they’re hot?” Cristina asks, rising provocatively one eyebrow.

“Jesus Christ.”

“I would also pray to Jesus for forgiveness if I have seen Addison in a bikini,” Callie says and pushes her with her elbow.

Meredith is on the verge of some kind of meltdown and her emotions escape another way, though. Instead of falling into a rain of tears, she erupts into laughter and feels the stress escaping her through the unhinged wave of giggles.

Honestly, this stupid conversation brings her some kind of comfort. She worried before if she was wrong to notice how beautiful Addison is, but since her friends notice that, too, it doesn’t make her any kind of weirdo. Pervert. All the bad things she fears that being a lesbian makes her.

She is just like her friends, she is okay. Her identity doesn’t make her worse.

For the first time, she has this thought. The only it gives her is the ability to relax a bit more.

She is just okay. She is a lesbian and she is nothing different from her friends. They are all okay.

Her laughter turns into a soft pearl of chuckles and giggles, both caused by the sudden realisation and the company she has.

“What about you, Izzie?” Cristina turns her head to the blonde.

“I had a girlfriend once,” She mumbles, words mixing up. “Don’t know how that happened.”

“Sometimes I feel like all women would drop men and be with each other,” Callie says, her voice turning tired and thoughtful.

“Satan is your sexual awakening?”

“Just saying in general,” Callie shrugs.

Izzie hums to that and Meredith steals a glance at Torres.

A little part of herself has the confession ready on her tongue. It would be just perfect - the topic is right and they’re all drunk. If something went wrong, she could just say she was drunk and playing pranks on them. Feels like a safe environment to do that.

Maybe not tonight. But someday, she perhaps wants to try again. Despite what her mother did, despite what Derek did, despite how her day passed; one of the worst she ever had. In the very core of her heart and her being, she still holds out hope. At the end of the day, even when you feel defeated and unable to keep your head up, what’s important is even this tiny drop of hope. If you got it, if you got the hope for light to overcome the darkness, that’s the only thing that matters.

---

“So. Marriage.”

Mark is hovering over Burke with a thoughtful expression, staring into his skull.

“Yep,” Preston appears unfazed and nods.

“I want to get married, too,” Sloan turns to look at Addison and Derek as well. “All the presents. The big cake. So many women around. Bridesmaids and all that.”

“You want to get married to have women around?” Addison asks, holding back laughter.

“Yes,” He nods vigorously and turns back to Burke. “Did you invite any nurses?”

“Yes, I did, some of them.

“I swear to God, one day the nurses will make an actual pact against you,” Addison sighs.

Derek grins meanly, “I should give them this idea myself.”

“I know that you dislike me, Derek, but-”

“Dislike only, huh?”

“Okay,” Addison puts her hand on both of her sides, stopping both of them men. “Can one of you get the next round?”

That falls to Derek’s lot and he presses his lips together to stop from throwing another comment as he stands up. After he is gone, ordering them drinks - that’s when Preston notices the bar has cleared off a bit.

“Let’s play darts,” He nods towards the empty space for the game.

“To release the tension between the alpha males?” Addison asks playfully, earning a side eye from Mark.

“Exactly.”

“Let’s go then,” Mark says and they wave to Derek to follow them after he gets the drinks.

---

“I’m hammered,” Meredith states. “Can someone please pour me some more tequila?”

The record that was playing in the background has ended and now the only sound is Calllie’s footsteps. She stands up and after picking up the bottle, she pours some of the drink into Meredith’s glass before falling on the couch which is now free of any other occupants.

Izzie left for the bathroom, feeling sick and Cristina ended up laying on the carpet, her head under the coffee table as she eats salty crisps from the bag.

“What a day.”

“Don’t even tell me.”

Meredith has a hard time understanding if she is speaking and who else is speaking. She tries to keep her eyes close, given everything looks porny again. Too much tequila.

“What time are we supposed to get to the wedding?” Callie asks.

“What wedding,” Cristina murmurs with her mouth full.

That makes Meredith sit up straighter, “No more alcohol for you,” She tries to get up and her head spins so badly she has to bend down to not collapse. “I hate myself,” She murmurs, staying in the weird position.

Thank God for Callie Torres who appears to be only tipsy now after taking half an hour of break in drinking. She stands up and helps Meredith to walk towards the stairs, “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Why are you nice to me?” Meredith says. “I’m a bitch.”

It makes Callie laugh, “Addison asked me to take care of you and besides, I can be a bitch, too.”

They struggle up the stairs.

“I don’t deserve Addie’s kindness.”

“Oh, just shut up. You two will be alright.”

Cristina doesn’t hear the rest of their conversation. It takes one long minute after hearing Addison’s name to remember her promise. She sits up instantly, forgetting she is under the coffee table and hits her forehead so hard she cries out and wonders if she will have a bump on her head on the day of her wedding. That would be just incredible.

Crawling from under the table, she flops onto the couch and pulls out her phone from her jeans pocket. Before she makes the call, she changes the contact named Addison into Santa, not noticing the typo.

Seven signals later, Addison picks up.

“Hello?”

“Doctor Montgomery, I was supposed to call you…” Cristina pulls back the phone to check the hour. “Somewhere five hours ago.”

“Yes,” Addie doesn’t sound sober herself. “You can call me Addison. Outside work.”

“Okay, Doctor Montgomery,” Cristina smirks to herself. “Meredith took the test, and told me she answered all the questions, so she will pass.”

“And how is she?”

Cristina listens to the loud knocking on the floor above her, “Drunk, but Torres is getting her into the bed. And I think better than other people would be after a day like this.”

Addison hums on the other side.

“Excuse me, but do you own a red bikini?”

“What?”

“Do you-”

“I heard your question.”

“I’m not going to know?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Yang.”

“Goodnight, Addison.”

Notes:

every comment makes my existance thousands times better:)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meradd playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=5b28feffe4694942

Chapter 22: the end is here

Notes:

hii everyone!
as always, HUGE THANK YOU for all the feedback<3 it literally gives me so much serotonin i cannot even put it into words.

i have an announcement to make (which probably won't make you very happy lol) but i might have a bit of a problem with posting regularly every monday. this friday i'm leaving for USA and i'm gonna stay there for three months, and unfortunately, i cannot take my laptop with me. i'll try my best to update regularly but work might get in the way, and the hour i'm posting can change as well. i am not giving up on this story but this trip is everything to me and means the world and i want to completely soak into the experience. i'm pretty sure adventures on a whole different continent may give me a lot of inspiration for new chapters;)

that being said, i hope you'll enjoy the chapter!:)

The big day starts before dawn.

Callie, Izzie and Cristina are already gathered in the kitchen when Meredith gets paged at 5 a.m. and drags herself from her bed, still drunk. She finds the women scribbling something on Yang’s hand, all three of them paged as well and definitely soberer than Meredith will be anytime soon.

“We’re gonna cover you,” Izzie says, seeing how Meredith is literally crawling up the walls. “You’re far from able to be a surgeon.”

“I am very able.”

“Mhm.”

They walk her back to the couch and the moment her head hits the cushion, she is out again. She doesn’t even hear them walking out of the house.

The next time she awakens it’s far past ten and she feels quite sober - even more, she feels like the hangover is killing her. She showers and takes two aspirins, downing them with a big glass of water. She gets dressed and takes her bridesmaid dress in a plastic bag, as well as her heels and a purse stuffed with makeup, ready to face the world again.

Yesterday feels like it happened decades ago. She doesn’t feel as much lifeless as she felt yesterday and when the autumn sun hits her, with the end of September creeping up and its sun hanging lower on the horizon, she smiles. It’s a gentle smile and perhaps far from energetic, yet it is a smile in the end.

She arrives at Seattle Grace after a quick ride and a coffee bought on her way, finding out what a mess the place is.

Barely comprehending the case of the man with an axe in his head Derek, Mark and Bailey are trying to solve, she tries to find her place in the chaos. Just when she thinks that’s crazy enough, she notices Chief’s wife unconscious and being taken away by Addison, who when she flashes in front of Meredith's eyes, makes the blonde remember the guilt of throwing her angry words at the woman.

At the point when she sees Joe and Walter storm in with the mother of their babies into the hospital, she gives up on trying to understand what’s really happening.

Sitting by one of the stations and doing the paperwork, going through the charts, she rants to Cristina who stands behind her. Until…

“Mama took my eyebrows.”

---

An hour later, all five of them assemble in the interns' lounge, probably for the last time. It would be bittersweet if anyone would give it a second thought.

And no one does because the boys are busy putting on their suits and Meredith with Izzie are changing into their brown bridesmaid dresses. When Izzie is done she sits Cristina down and begins to draw her eyebrows, fixing them as best as she can.

“Anyone got any deodorant?” Alex asks, holding his white shirt in one hand.

“You are not putting my deodorant on your hairy armpits,” Cristina says, failing to stay still like a statue on the bench.

Izzie’s eyebrows furrow together as she focuses on the makeup, “Don’t move, you’re gonna have a unibrow,” Then she looks quickly at Alex. “I have some in my locker.”

He pushes his way past everyone and searches through the locker, then uses some of it under his armpits.

“Close?” George appears from behind one of the rows of lockers, pulling the tuxedo together, then apart, “Open?”

Meredith looks at him and takes a moment to think, “Closed.” When he buttons up she smiles widely at him. “Perfect. Dashing.”

“Thanks,” He smiles right back at her, then his eyes meet Izzie’s.

“You look great.”

They share a quick, buzzed with emotion stare before anyone can notice it happening.

There is a sense of belonging, all five of them heading towards the same direction, straight to one of the biggest days in Cristina’s life. Meredith feels giddy with the excitement to see her person walk down the aisle, to be by her side. As she leans to the mirror hanging on the wall and fixes her wavy hair, she wonders if the feeling is going to stay, if she won’t ever fall into the black hole again.

It’s better not to think about it, she decides.

“Moment of truth people.”

She turns right around to see one of the nurses peeking in with white envelopes.

“Are those out scores?” Alex shuts his locker instantly.

The woman walks in, beginning to hand them the envelopes, “Grey. Karev. Yang. Stevens. O’Malley.”

Each one of them tears the envelope in total silence and read the letters. As if time stops, the first ten seconds are spent without a word, everyone captured by reading the sentences, eager to get to the most important part.

“Yes!”

“Right here, baby.”

“Yes! Thank God.”

Meredith decides to tease them a bit and doesn’t say a word until Cristina looks at her alarmed, “Did you pass?”

“You bet your married booty I did!” She laughs with that cute giggle and Cristina grins straight at her.

Izzie’s attention turns to quiet George, “How’d you do? Did you pass?”

He looks at them, all of them, with no words at first but then brings on a small smile on his lips.

“Yeah,” He nods and goes back to his locker. “I’ll talk to you in the church.”

In the end, when it’s time to go, Meredith hands the wedding dress to Izzie, promising to be right behind them. When each one of them leaves the interns' lounge she sits down on the bench for a moment, taking in the last time all of them are interns.

It’s been a tough year, full of challenges and growth and pain she might or might have not deserved. But she survived, she is still standing. With the family she found on her own, with her person and with a woman she was meant to be anything but friends.

She has to make it right with Addison.

So, Meredith stands up and leaves it all behind.

---

The trees haven’t started turning gold and flourished with colours yet and it’s warm enough for Meredith to march only in her dress, with shoulders naked. She takes the fastest route in her car to the church and finds a free spot surprisingly close to the building.

People begin to pour inside the church and the moment she notices a gleam of red hair between them, she rushes inside, elbowing her way through.

“Addie!” She calls out, earning dirty looks for being so loud. She couldn’t care less now, hoping for the attending to hear her.

Of course, Addison hears her.

She turns around just when is about to step into the main hall. Her eyes find Meredith right away and she pushes her way, as the only person walking towards the exit.

They meet halfway.

“Meredith,” She breathed out, eyes widened when she takes her in.

But Meredith doesn’t even notice the way Addison gazes at her, so softly and completely enamoured. Because she is way too busy seeing how wonderfully perfect Addison looks in her light blue dress, which ends right before her knees and fits her body centimetre by centimetre. It makes her skin look lighter and gives her a bright sense, turning the green of her eyes into a blue shade.

The up-do has not a single hair laying weirdly, the hair pulled into a clean bun at the back of her head; her bangs brushed back perfectly. It makes her jawline and beautiful cheekbones exposed to the world, showing the way her face is crafted flawlessly.

“You look…” Meredith says, not being able to just take in admiration the sight in front of her. “Beautiful.”

“Says the prettiest bride I’ve ever seen.”

They share a smile, small and unsure of what’s next.

“D-do you have a moment?” Meredith decides it’s now or never.

“I guess I do,” Addison nods.

They move from where they stand in the middle of the vestibule to the side where no one would pay them attention. Every person heads straight to the main hall to take place, but they still have the time, enough to talk.

Meredith pays one last look to the guests, from who she doesn’t know most of them before turning to Addison.

The woman is looking at her patiently. She is way too kind and way too forgiving to even keep this soft look for Meredith. She should be scathing mad, should blame Meredith for not being able to keep her emotions at bay; the cruelty of her tone when she rejected Addison’s help still rings in her own mind.

“I wanted to apologize,” She starts off, already feeling breathless with the nerves. “For what I’ve said, for how I lashed out at you. I’m so sorry, Addison,” She looks up from the ground, meeting the kind stare Addison graces her with. “All you’ve done for me is help me move on with my life and help me grow and be there for me,” She doesn’t even notice when she began to cry, but there are tears springing from her eyes and running down her flushed cheeks. “And I know I’m a shitty person who hurts everyone around and doesn’t deserve someone like you and I am truly, deeply, sorry.” She ignores how the sobs try to overtake her body. It’s not like she lets them, her shoulders stay unmoved and her body holds back the wrecking crying but tears don’t stop falling.

“Hey, hey,” Addison leans down a bit. “Mer.”

She closes her eyes, not being able to look Addison in the eyes after making such a scene.

“Come here, Meredith.”

Within one moment, she is pulled into her embrace, two strong arms holding her as Meredith puts her own arms around Addison’s waist. She cries in silence, not making a single sound and Addison gently runs her hand over her back, doing circles in a calming manner.

She doesn’t care if someone sees them like, even with the knowledge that half of the hospital staff is here. She couldn’t care about the gossip running around Seattle Grace because she is with Addison and Addison keeps her warm and safe.

“It’s okay,” Addie murmurs to her, then kisses her temple. “You had a terrible day and I pushed you. It’s okay. I’m not mad, I never was, to begin with.”

Where her lips touch her skin, Meredith physically feels herself healing.

She heard once that two damaged people trying to heal each other is love.

She realises she loves Addison, that throughout their friendship, she has grown as important as Cristina is for her. She is her friend and this must be platonic love between them, and maybe it’s not the day and the time to tell her that, but some part of her craves to tell Addison I love you. To let her know she is important to her and that she would notice if she were gone right away - damn, she noticed yesterday after lashing out at her. One day without Addie and she already started to miss her.

If someone told her a couple of months ago that Addison Montgomery would be the one to pick her up and teach her to live again after her suicide attempt, she would laugh them straight in the face.

Now, she has found a haven in Addie.

“I hate myself for hurting you,” She mumbles into the material of her sky-blue dress. “I’m sorry.”

“Meredith, let’s forget it, really."

Gently, Addison pulls her away to look at her. When she sees the red eyes and wet marks running down her face, she delicately puts both of her hands, as if Meredith is the most fragile thing in the world, on two sides of her face. With two of her thumbs, she wipes the tears away, smiling at Meredith, who looks at her with eyes so wide, it feels like she is looking at a sky full of shining stars and not a person.

“Don’t cry, we’re okay,” Addison says, her voice staying in a whisper. “Do you really think you can get rid of me and my soon-to-be very pregnant ass?”

Meredith feels laughter bubbling up in her throat and she lets out a chuckle.

All Addison can think of then is how beautiful Mer’s smile is and that her laughter makes the whole day better. Like a favourite sound.

“See?”

“Okay,” Meredith nods and puts her hands over Addison’s ones, gently cradling her face. “When are you leaving for LA?”

“Two days.”

“Okay.”

Addison lets go of her face only when she sees that Meredith’s eyes don’t shine with pain anymore and some light was breathed into them. Their hands stay intertwined for a moment between their bodies before Meredith lets go.

“I need to go now, but we are just fine,” Addison nods at her. “Meredith, don’t worry about us, okay?”

“Still friends?”

“Still friends.”

Meredith hums and nods as well.

It’s the cue for Addison to move and she is one of the last guests to walk inside the hall, taking the side on the right, soon getting the company of Alex.

Neither of them notices Mark and Callie standing outside the church, on the right from the enormous doors open giving them a perfect view of the scene unfolding just a moment earlier.

“Torres, did you see what I saw?” Mark is leaning with his side against the scratchy white wall of the church, watching Addison give Grey one last look before entering the chapel.

“I feel like we weren’t supposed to see that,” Callie says with her voice lowly while Meredith still doesn’t notice them, hanging with Izzie who just found her.

“Addie likes Meredith.”

“They are friends,” Callie says, with her mind wandering to the last evening and the way Meredith choked when she said Addison’s name. Things slowly come together in her head but she is sensible enough not to tell them to Mark, whose conspiracy theory would only grow to cosmic size.

“Oh, c’mon, are you blind?” He nudges her. “They are lesbian lovers.”

“Sloan, calm down.”

“Don’t tell me what we just saw wasn’t sapphic,” He crosses his arms on his chest, still staring at Meredith.

“Mark.”

Callie sounds annoyed, but in reality, she isn’t. She just… She knows how it is to hide a part of yourself, not wanting other people to point it out. And if truly something is between Meredith and Addison, then they have reasons not to share it with anyone else. She is a curious creature in nature, but she also has respect for others’ secrets. Not for Izzie Stevens’ secrets, of course, but for everyone else.

“Remember my words,” Mark announces and pushes himself off the wall. “And don’t tell Addison.”

He walks inside the church, shining one of his cocky smiles at which she shakes her head in disbelief, laughing. They need to figure it out on their own, and she would never tell Addison any of the idiotic ideas of Mark Sloan. She knows better than that.

---

Shit goes down about fifteen minutes later.

Both pairs of doors are shut close - the ones leading to the hall and the entrance ones. The ceremonial music is playing and Cristina is supposed to walk out somewhat two minutes earlier. Instead, though, she is walking in circles in a panic about the scrubbed-off vows from her hand.

Pure panic in her words, while Callie and Izzie stare without words.

It’s Meredith who stops her.

She puts both of her hands on Cristina’s shoulders, shaking her gently.

“Stop whining! This is your wedding day! You will go down that aisle and get married, even if I have to kick your ass every step to get there,” Her voice is stable and powerful as she tries to send every single word into Cristina’s panicked brain. “You will walk down the aisle, you will get married. Do you hear me?” She watches as Cristina’s eyes go back to normal and her breath evens out. “Cristina, we need this. We need you to get your happy ending.”

And just when they set Cristina by the entrance, fixing the end of her dress, the door opens.

Burke comes in and all Meredith can do is watch with her own eyes how everything falls apart.

---

Addison shifts in her seat, looking around confused, just like everyone else.

Trying to ignore the bad feeling when Preston disappears behind the door, she catches the sight of Derek. It was always a wonder for her that even with a hangover and a tough day of work on his shoulders, he still manages to look dashing.

When their eyes meet, there is no more spite or resentment. Just a history together, ugly as well as beautiful.

But he looks alarmed, she recognizes the look hidden behind the external confidence.

Checking on the watch, another minute passes and she cannot even hear the voices from the vestibule but no one comes back. The music goes on in the background, but neither the groom nor the bride is in the sight.

She turns back to the front, staring at the empty altar.

That’s when the doors open.

Meredith stands in the middle, while Callie and Izzie hold the door wide. She begins to walk down the long path between rows of benches, staring straight ahead.

Addison watches her walk down the aisle and feels deja vu, the sensation making her head go spinning. She has no idea why, but there is a sense that… Meredith. And a wedding. And their future.

The crazy thoughts get lost the moment Meredith arrives at the altar and climbs up five steps, then turns to all of the guests.

For the shortest of seconds, their eyes meet but Meredith seems in a weird trance. She doesn’t even fiddle with her fingers when everyone’s eyes fall on her. Derek seems to be unable to take his eyes away from her. Both of them standing by the altar, makes Addison weirdly sick, to just imagine them standing there on a different occasion.

“It’s over,” Meredith says loudly. Her voice echoes through the church. “You can all go home. It’s over.”

Some era is ending. Something has ended forever to never come back.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=8312cef6e8de4880

Chapter 23: now your mess is mine

Notes:

hiii guys!!
thank you for all the sweet words, they warmed my heart. keep your fingers crossed for me because it's been pretty rough here and i hope time makes being here better:(
but also!
i have a question for all of you, because one of my readers who left a comment made me really think about it. in this story, how do you think, who fell first and who fell harder?

hope you'll enjoy this one<3 we're beginning a new era for this fic, post season 3;)

Their flight takes off in half an hour.

Meredith never planned to take another vacation just a week later after Los Angeles, yet here she is, sitting on a chair next to quiet Cristina. She only sniffles in silence once in a couple of minutes but never speaks.

Holding two paper cups with fresh coffee, they just sit side by side. That is until Meredith’s eyes fall on the package sticking out of her bag.

“I’ll come back in a minute,” She says and gives Cristina one last look before standing up and approaching the big windows giving a clear view of the runway and aeroplanes. The sky is still dark but right at the very edge of the horizon, she can see the violet and orange shades creeping up, soon enough to paint the sky every wonderful colour dawn always brings.

Her fingers find her most used contact in the phone and she presses it against her ear.

Addison picks up just as one of the aeroplanes ascends.

“Hi,” She hears a yawn on the other side. “Did I wake you up?”

“No, no,” Addison says and sounds awake enough. “I couldn’t fall asleep tonight anyways.”

“Okay,” Meredith says. “I’m at the airport with Cristina.”

“Geez, how is she holding up?”

“I’ve seen her cry for the third time since I know her,” Meredith turns to the side and steals a peek at her person, who keeps staring into the wall with no expression, the marks of tears slowly drying. “Not good.”

Addison’s voice turns worried, “I cannot believe what actually went down.”

Yesterday comes in flashes of excitement that turned into dread and shock, then into resignation Meredith saw in every guest’s expression, walking out of the chapel. The day which was supposed to be a celebration of passing the intern test and toasting for Cristina and Burke turned into collecting shattered Cristina in the half-empty apartment and driving straight home to pack Mer’s own suitcase. She’s been on her feet almost for twenty-four hours now and all she wants is to get on the plane and fall asleep.

“Yeah…” She murmurs, then remembers her reasons to call. “Well, I’m calling with a question. To ask if… you’re sure you can do this alone?”

“Listen to me carefully, Grey,” Addison starts like she’s known all along what the call is about. “I’m a grown woman and I will have Naomi by my side through the whole procedure. Be with your person, please. I’m not alone. I’ll be just fine. Just watch over Yang, she needs you now more than ever.”

Relief floods Meredith’s chest to hear that. Trusting completely Montgomery, she believes her.

“Okay,” She nods to herself. “I just can’t leave her alone.”

“So don’t. Stay by her side every minute of every day. Throughout the whole two weeks. Go swimming, you’ve gotten good at that again. And take a lot of photos, I want to see the whole goddamn album when you’re back.”

“And I’ll see you in two weeks.”

“I’ll see you, too, Mer,” Even through her voice, Meredith can tell Addison is smiling as she speaks. “Don’t call me, just have two weeks away from Seattle drama. Make the best of this cursed honeymoon. And… Did Alex give you the book?”

“He did. Thank you.”

“It’s one of my favourites,” Addison yawns again. “Enjoy it."

“Go to sleep, Addie,” Meredith chuckles. “Goodbye.”

“Bye, Mer.”

She hangs up and looks at the phone for a short moment, wondering if she will feel the absence of Addison. She is most certainly not used to letting people in like this and it does feel weird but she drops the topic in her head and comes back to Cristina’s side. She pulls out The Time Traveller’s Wife from the package, a copy which looks read several times. Paging through the book with her thumb, she stops at the first page.

When she sees a pencil marking a quote, she smiles.

"Why is love intensified by absence?"

Perhaps she’ll find out.

---

Out of six hours, Meredith sleeps through the first four while Cristina stays asleep almost until the very end of their flight. Their hands stay intertwined, Mer wanting to give her person a reminder she is there to stay and no matter how deep in the shit one of them is, the other is always there to chase and replace the pain with the feeling of companionship.

Meredith lets go only when she wants to go back to reading Addison’s book.

Wondering if she can mark quotes as well, she decides to test her luck and eventually she’ll just tick the redhead off for making a mess in one of her favourites.

Her hand is shaky as she underlines with the pencil she found in her carry-on:

“I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going, and she cannot follow.”

There is this sort of intimacy in someone borrowing you their book when it’s their favourite and you can find their soul through the parts they mark. It’s like you get a glimpse, just the tiniest of a peek inside their brain, the wild running of their thoughts; what catches a strong grasp on their heart. The uneven brush of pencil on the pages, quivering and sloppy at times, like their hand shook while reading the sentences and the quotes, all the magic caught close in something as simple as a book.

For Meredith, it feels like she just watches her previous reader undress, the further she gets into the book and the more dark lines of lead drawn under the sentences, the more her heart grows. There are still many mysteries Addison hides inside, but it’s possible to just find the clues for them through every quote she marks.

One way or another, Meredith awakens fifteen minutes before landing with the book left open in her lap and Cristina’s head resting on her shoulder.

“C’mon, wake up,” She shakes Yang a bit, while closing the book and hiding it back into her bag. “We’re almost there. Cristina.”

She yawns loudly and sits up straighter, her eyelashes fluttering open, then looks at Meredith.

“I want to sleep,” Cristina groans.

“We’ll get to our hotel room and we’ll go to sleep.”

And that’s exactly what they do. With two enormous suitcases and their bags, they get into the five-star resort. After acquiring their hotel guest cards in the reception, they are shown their way to the room.

It is put on the ground floor; thanks to that they have their own terrace with a big couch by the railing, fluffy cushions decorating it and a small jacuzzi, enough for two people. The room itself is neat, big and kept in a light colour palette - it’s a mix of white and beige, with some elements of a caramel hue of brown. Besides a king-sized bed, which mattress is so soft that when Cristina jumps on it, she feels like dissolving into the bed, surrounded by the fluff, there is another beige L-shaped couch. In front of it stands a small coffee table and two other chairs next to a higher table to eat by without going out.

The artwork hanging on the walls makes the place look modern. It’s rather abstract art, one that Meredith never found herself understanding. But the canvases are the perfect solution to fill in the empty gaps in the room.

Before following Cristina and going to take a remarkably long nap, Meredith opens the enormous glass door leading to the terrace. It doesn’t make a single sound when she pushes it aside and steps outside.

The view is breathtaking.

She can see the ocean’s waves hitting the shore gently through the vibrant bushy greenery - so many colourful tropical trees making the scenery come to life with their flowers. For now, she can only recognize plumeria but promises herself to read and find out about the rest of the alive rainbow.

She takes a couple of photos with the camera she brought, remembering Addison’s request.

Finally, she collapses on the bed and rolling into Cristina, finds sleep.

---

“We should do something tomorrow.”

Meredith and Cristina are sitting in one of the restaurants on the resort’s grounds with their far too expensive meals, but since everything goes at Burke’s expense, they choose the highest price food possible.

Cristina is chewing on her shrimp with some salad, “Sleep. Drink.”

It is tempting and normally, Meredith would agree and the two of them would fall into the tide of being dark and twisted. But her mission is to keep Cristina’s head up and not let her shatter completely.

The place they’re in is truly beautiful and with the last sun rays of the dusk sneaking through the wide open windows of the restaurant, it would be just a shame to waste those two weeks.

“No,” Meredith says, cutting her chuck steak. “Everything is paid here, Cristina… by that bitch of a man, but it’s still paid.”

“By mama,” Cristina cuts in.

“Well, whatever. I’m taking you to the beach tomorrow, which, if I have to remind you, is literally ten steps from our hotel room. We’re gonna fry our asses off and everyone will envy our tan back in Seattle.”

“I forgot you are a tan junkie now,” Cristina says and there is a shadow of a smile on her lips.

It makes Meredith grins widely, “Yeah, I have a new hobby called going on vacation paid for by somebody else. Just lovely, you’ll see.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Cristina waves her hand at that and sips on the sparkly water. “But we’re drinking tomorrow evening.”

“I can agree to that.”

They spend the rest of the dinner bickering and badmouthing every person in the restaurant, ending up laughing so hard they almost fall off their chairs. It’s not certainly the best reason to laugh, but twisted sisters never really played it fair before.

Meredith manages to pull Cristina for a short walk around the resort, just to see what awaits them - and it involves several pools with warm as well cold water, a small park in the very centre, surrounded by the resort's main buildings from three sides and a lot of lawn chairs and their favourite part - drink lounge, everything free for the resort guests.

Everything looks quite fancy, even in the nighttime. The lamps light up every pathway and every pool and the resort is very much alive even after dark. Tonight, however, neither of them evinces a desire to go out and have fun. A stroll is enough for a day like this.

Cristina hides in the bathroom for almost an hour, to the point where Meredith storms in to find her best friend in the enormous bathtub, with bubbles everywhere. It takes a lot of trails to kick her out of the bathroom, but finally, Meredith’s time comes to take a quick shower. She doesn’t have good memories of sitting in a bathtub, let’s put it that way.

When she’s back, Cristina started watching a soap opera on the big TV that’s across their bed.

Meredith finds it boring, so she curls up on the left side of the bed and begins to fall asleep.

“Meredith.”

She opens her eyes a bit, seeing the TV still playing in the darkened room.

“Hmm.”

“Are you asleep?” Cristina shifts on the bed, probably turning to face Meredith’s back.

“Yes,” Meredith murmurs into the pillow.

The short silence is continued with a kick straight into her butt.

“Hey!” She jumps up on her place and rolls around to face Cristina with a frown on her face, “What are you doing?”

“Do you think I ruined the chance of a happy ending for the both of us?”

The question is said in one breath, words shoot like bullets one by one; Cristina is wide-eyed and looks on the verge of panic. It’s like the night has brought out every fear inside of her to be seen and be out of control, enough to share with others.

“What?” Meredith’s frown only gets deeper.

“You know, I know you broke up with Derek,” Cristina begins to explain right away. “But what if Burke walking away crosses any chance of reconciliation between you and him?”

“Because of our twisted thing?” Meredith asks. “Us being connected?”

“Yes.”

Meredith chuckles, her expression relaxing, “Trust me, any chance of coming back to him is impossible even without our thing, being fucked up and all that.”

But Cristina doesn’t look satisfied with the answer she gets, “Oh, you’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“I am not, Cristina,” Meredith sits up as if that will make her more convincing.

There are so many words on her tongue, that one big confession she’s been thinking of for what feels like forever. She stares at her person and imagines how that would go - the third time’s the charm, right? But they have a long day behind them, full of adventures and misfortunes and it feels like it’s not the exact time to do that.

She might be choking on the words and feel so claustrophobic, but it’s Cristina who is hurt here. It’s not the time for coming outs, for confessions.

First, she has to fix Yang, peel her off the floor. Maybe later, there will be time for what she wants to embrace.

“Yeah,” Cristina grumbles and turns around.

Meredith shakes her head and kicks her in the ass.

“Ouch!”

“Shut up,” She says, a smile creeping on her lips as she lays back down.

Notes:

comments make my entire LIFE
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 24: somehow, i just want you more

Notes:

hiii everyone!!
first of all, thank you so so so much for answering my question under the last chapter<3 it made me think a lot about who meradd are in this fic and i must agree with the majority of my readers, addie fell first and mer fell harder. (SassyAbbs, your version is still very! much! valid! and i can see it where it's coming from haha)
i decided to ask you another question, a bit linked to what's happening in this chapter - IF addie will have her kid, which of them would be called mom and which mama? (or entirely something else, you can write your own suggestions as well)

once again, thank you for all your kind words and every kudos<3 hope you'll enjoy this chapter;)

ps this is very much unedited so forgive me for any typos

Her head gets higher and higher into the clouds the minute she is closer to landing in LA.

By the moment when she gets off the plane and rushes through the airport, her heart is beating out of her chest.

All Addison can see in her head are tiny feet and the cutest little hand holding onto one of her fingers; she hears cooing and babbling and squealing and she has never felt her heart being fulfilled by a desire so for something so badly before. She’s loved and she’s been in love and everything in between, but this is nothing in comparison to how her heart grows at the very thought of tomorrow’s procedure. How much she loves this baby which hasn’t even been made yet.

She honestly cannot tell what will happen once this imaginary baby exists. She has no idea what will happen to her.

There is a wide smile on her face once she notices her rented red Porsche in the parking lot. She drives down the Malibu, music blasting the loudest she can. It’s just simply a beautiful day.

“Naomi!”

Her best friend is standing by the counter in the reception and turns right around when she hears Addison calling out.

“Addie, hey,” She smiles right away and they meet halfway through the reception, hugging hastily. “We were waiting for you. The nurse has already arrived.”

Due to some mess in documents, they had to have a nurse from a hospital present during giving the ‘trigger shot’; that’s why tomorrow’s procedure they carried into the closest hospital to not have strangers marching around the practice.

“Okay,” Addison straightens her skirt and tries to hold back the nerves. “We’re jumping right into it I see. Let’s go then.”

“We’re not waiting for Meredith?” Naomi’s eyebrows furrow together and her eyes wander behind Addison, to the elevator.

“Oh, she isn’t with me this time.”

She tries to say it emotionless, not like she is some clingy friend who cannot even go through such an important moment of her life alone. Like she doesn’t worry about both Grey and Yang out there in Hawaii, probably drinking themselves to death.

But today is about something else, about Addison’s life changing one-eighty.

“Troubles in paradise?” Naomi raises an eyebrow, teasingly.

They link their arms and slowly head past the offices to the examination and other special rooms. Addison has a sudden flashback of how they always walked around the college together to classes and lectures like that. How things have changed, how many years have passed…

“Naomi, I beg you to stop,” Addison chuckles. “She is on a honeymoon.”

Naomi stops dead in her tracks and stares at Addie like she is crazy, “What? She got married? Is she… back with Derek?”

“It’s her best friend’s honeymoon,” Addison fixes her miscommunication as quickly as possible, but it only causes more confusion. “Well, it’s complicated and a long topic, but she is in Hawaii just as we speak.”

“Okay…” Naomi intertwines their arms again. “I want to hear more of the drama tonight.”

“Deal.”

They arrive at the destination and after quick introductions, Addison rolls down her skirt, pulls the zipper and exposes her flat stomach. She has to stand up and it takes barely fifteen seconds for the nurse to do the shot. Naomi keeps talking to take up Addie’s attention throughout the whole process. Afterwards, she sits for a moment with a hand on her abdomen, just staring in silence. It has begun, something, that she feels like she’s been ready for her whole adult life.

Perhaps she imagined it differently. Perhaps she saw a man by her side, for eleven years it’s been Derek, but later it started to switch between every man giving her attention and it’s become unclear and messy. But now, when she is doing this on her own, there is pure peace and serenity inside of her. Like she was meant to be a mother forever, like the path she’s chosen, officially just a month ago, is the best she could ever pick.

There is bright sunshine lighting up from inside. She knows the feeling of having doubts and God knows she is the queen of doubting everything, but this, this is the only thing he’s never had any hesitations about. She was meant to be a mom and that’s it. Every day, she just wants to thank the universe that it didn’t decide to kick her ass once again and make her barren or just take this chance away in any different way.

Ever since she spoke out her wishes aloud to Meredith three weeks ago, she’s been walking on air. Somehow, she just wants this baby more, with every hour of every day. Nothing can stop her from giving it a try because motherhood is all she ever wanted.

Naomi proposes Addison to hang around the practice and leads her to the staff room. She gives her a piece of cake from the fridge and pours her some water before getting caught by a client. First time alone, Addison just hangs around, feeling butterflies in her stomach each time she thinks about tomorrow’s procedure.

From what she’s read, the donor sperm sample is being prepared in the hospital later this day, cleaned off any debris and substances in semen that could cause cramping, just for the sperm cells to be highly concentrated into a small volume. She might have read the whole explanation for the procedures ten times during her flight, but can you blame her? Addison is a woman who likes to know things to the very detail.

Buried deeply in her thoughts, she doesn’t even hear someone coming into the room until Pete drops on the chair across from her.

“Here she comes again,” He flashes her his pretty smile.

“Pete,” She grins at him, so high with her happiness she can’t even play annoyed at the sight of him. “Hi. Here I come again.”

“Did Naomi talk you into ditching Seattle and coming to our sunshine California?” He leans back on his seat, crossing his arms on his chest.

She cannot deny him his handsomeness and how his cocky smile does things to a woman. But she is past men, and has been for a very long time.

“Unfortunately for you, no,” For fuck’s sake, she truly isn’t physically able to stop smiling.

“One day, you’ll give in,” He stands up and takes himself a tall glass of water. “Do you want an acupuncture session? I have free time and last time you didn’t take up the occasion.”

“You know what? Fine. Let’s go.”

Picking up her purse, she follows Pete outside the staff room into his office. He closes the door behind him and they get further into the second room and perhaps it’s because of her being so thoughtless and careless that she stumbles over her own legs, falling straight into his arms.

“I’m sorry, I-”

But before she can push herself away from him and stand upright, he pulls her in and kisses her.

She freezes.

Yet she hasn’t felt the warmth of someone’s lips on her mouth for such a long time, and she is high on serotonin that she just lets him kiss her for a moment. She parts her lips and she is way too dazed and confused, feeling the body against hers, his strong arms on her hips, and just when she is about to return the kiss…

Dark blonde hair and blue shining eyes and tiny waist and bratty answers and a raspy voice singing to the radio - all of the images crash into her brain and she jumps away like a scalded cat.

What in the hell happened?

Why the first person to appear in her head is Meredith when she kissed someone else?

She flutters her eyes open and feels a murderous rage at Pete, who doesn’t even look the tiniest of flushed.

“What the fuck?” Addison steps back, guilt washing over her in a big tide.

“You kinda fell on me,” Pete shrugs.

“Oh my God, I am so outta here,” She pushes her way past him and storms into his office, away from the damn table and the damn needles he would put into her face and body.

He follows her, much calmer, “I suppose you’re still with Meredith then.”

Addison planned to just leave without any word and don’t make a scene in her best friend’s practice, but this is just. The audacity.

(And yes, she might be blaming everything on Pete now while having a pure panic attack internally because Meredith has taken over her mind completely.)

“I-” She turns on her heels, staring at the man who leans against his doorframe. “I never was- If you thought I was in a relationship, why did you kiss me?”

“Well, I was curious, you’re an attractive woman and no one stumbles on me like that without a reason,” Pete explains calmly like he doesn’t have a fuming woman right in front of him. “Plus, I am an ass.”

“I can tell.”

With that, she marches to the elevator and leaves the Oceanside Wellness Group behind, outraged and her heart skipping dangerously. Her day is not ruined, not, she would not let a man ruin a day like this and she goes out shopping - two shirts and a dress later, she stands in front of the jewellery display and she is supposed to leave but then her eyes fall on a golden necklace.

It has a sparrow pendant; the bird is beautiful with its wings spread showing freedom. And perhaps she would walk past it if not for the two sapphire stones on both sides of the bird. The colour that would just make Meredith’s eyes shine the same shade.

Just like that, she walks out of the jewellery shop with a black velvet box and heads back to her car.

---

“...and he just left. Literally in the church.”

Addison is sitting by the kitchen island in Naomi’s house, a glass of orange juice in front of her while Bennett is sipping on the red wine. They’ve been hanging there for the past hour since Naomi came back from work.

She’s calmed down after eating leftovers and reading the whole procedure instruction for the thousandth time in the past twenty-four hours. Still, something feels so unwell when she thinks about the morning and Pete’s hands on her body and his lips - he was rough where she wanted softness, and melted against her in places she needed something solid. Absolutely wrong.

Some part of her doesn’t even want anyone else to know something happened between them, so she doesn’t utter a single word to her best friend about it. Instead, she tells the tale of Burke’s escape.

“Jesus Christ, you really gotta be audacious to this,” Naomi is leaning against the counter with her ankles crossed on the floor. “I’ll never understand men.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised I never caught up on what kind of person he really is,” Addison says. “I thought he was completely different. But you know, I saw him only in a professional setting most of the time.”

“People can be entirely different behind the scenes.”

“Hm,” Addison hums and nods, thinking about the wedding day.

When she stays quiet a moment too long, Naomi sees right through her, “What’s on your mind?”

“Oh,” Addison looks up, eyes almost guilty. “It’s nothing.”

“C’mon, Addie,” Naomi puts her glass back on the counter and takes steps towards the kitchen island, then leans with her forearms against it, crossing the distance between them. “Are you having any doubts?”

Now, that is a surprise to hear for Addison. She smiles and then chuckles, shaking her head. She might be having doubts about every single part of her life but not this one.

“No!” She laughs again. “No. I’m sure about the baby, I think it’s the only sure thing in my life, a child of mine. It’s only… do you remember my roommate from freshman year?”

It causes instant confusion, with Naomi’s eyebrows furrowed together at the sudden change of the topic. She blinks several times but nods.

“You mean Sally? Your girlfriend?”

A gentle blush blossoms on her cheeks and Addison ducks her head like a foolish teenager; well she feels twenty years younger suddenly. And stupid, mostly.

“Yeah.”

Naomi laughs, “I remember her quite vividly. You were a hell of a pair. And Derek, oh my God, remember how jealous he was?”

At that Addison just cannot help herself and laugh as well, “I just…”

There are no words to describe what she is trying to talk about with Naomi. She knows that despite her best friend might be judgemental and pushing her a bit, in the end, she wouldn’t think of her less because of some weird sexual crisis. Still, to share oneself and open up is way too difficult, given she is sober as well. It’s not like she will have an opportunity to get drunk for the next nine months or even more, but she wishes she could take a sip for courage.

“Listen, if you’re going through something and need to talk about it, you can catch Violet tomorrow,” Naomi tries to encourage her. “She is a great shrink, I’m telling you. I wouldn’t hire her if she wasn’t.”

“I’ll think about it.”

That night she can’t sleep. The excitement is settled deep down her bones and she is fidgety and jumpy and keeps rolling from side to side. If she had someone to hug now, someone to intertwine her arms around them… And she is not thinking about any man, any relationship. It’s terribly annoying that it’s clear who is circling in her thoughts.

She gives up, thinking that fresh cold air will bring her more serenity and lungs filled with the night breeze somehow help her with falling asleep. On her tiptoes, she sneaks through the hallway and down the stairs, just to sit on the bench on the back porch. She watches the waves hit the shore with the full moon reflecting on them, gracing the beach in its cold light.

Her phone she brought with herself just in case it calls, buzzes, just as if she had felt it would do.

Meredith:
how are you feeling before tomorrow?

Addison:
I told you not to contact me and have fun

Meredith:
oh, but i am having fun, doctor montgomery, cristina is puking in the bathroom right now and i feel like i’m going to be next

Addison rolls her eyes, knowing the pair would end up just like that but before she can text back, Meredith is faster.

Meredith:
you can’t sleep?

Addison:
Too excited. I don’t think I will sleep at all.

Meredith:
make yourself a cup of chamomile, you need to be rested tomorrow!!

Chuckling at the exclamation marks, she listens to the advice and quietly goes through the cupboards until she finds the right herbs. Waiting until it infuses, she pulls herself up on the kitchen counter and types into her phone.

Addison:
Well then, you get hot mint for you and Yang, it helps the stomach:)

Meredith:
of course, boss

Addison:
Good girl

When no answer comes, she can very well imagine the flushed face she makes each time she calls Meredith that. She climbs up the stairs with her cup and after drinking it, she is asleep within fifteen minutes, still holding the phone in her hand.

---

The steady rhythm of Addison’s fingers playing out on the dashboard drives Naomi crazy.

“Can you stop that?”

“What?”

Naomi reaches out and pulls Addison’s hand down, back into her lap. Then, she turns the radio on louder as they slowly drive through the neighbourhood, straight to the closest hospital where everything is already prepared for the insemination.

“I’m nervous,” Addison crosses her arms on her chest.

When they get out of the car, she realises her knees are buckling down underneath her; her heart racing like crazy. She stares at the building and only one thought haunts her. It’s happening. It’s finally happening. It’s happening.

They enter together and Naomi leads her through the maze of corridors and hallways until they arrive at their destination. Addison must change into the hospital gown and she does it as quickly as possible, despite her hands shaking and even her teeth beginning to clink as she washes her hands and walks out of the bathroom.

Led on the exam table, she lies down there and tries not to look terrified. She isn’t scared, she truly isn’t, it’s just… the knowledge her whole life is about to change. She keeps her fingers crossed that one time is all it takes and asks Naomi to stay in the room.

“Ready?” She stands on the level of her head and smiles down at her.

“Ready.” There is pure conviction in her voice as she turns her gaze away from the doctor preparing the catheter.

“Need me to hold your hand?”

Naomi still does know her well.

“I’m a big girl,” She smiles weakly.

And her best friend takes her hand in hers. That’s all it takes for Addison to feel her shoulders relax on the table.

The doctor explains the procedure one last time and all Addison wants is to tell him to shut up and just get with it, that she can’t spend one more minute buzzing like a volcano from the anciticipation.

Her lips are pressed tightly together for the longest seven seconds of her life and then, it’s done.

It’s done.

---

“If you didn’t need a visit at the shrink, you surely do now.”

Addison is singing to the radio so loudly that she must be heard outside the vehicle by other cars passing by. She is dancing in her seat and laughing like she lost her mind.

“Naomi, this is the best day of my life!” She calls out.

“I’m going to be deaf by the end of it,” Naomi grumbles. Inside, she is happy for Addison but they’re always this way - Naomi is ready to bring Addison down to the earth when she flies a bit too high. “And it won’t remember it as the best day of your life once you’ll start sleeping three hours a day.”

There is no care in the world for Addison and the words just go in one ear and out the other. When Naomi parks by the practice, she jumps out of the car, swaying her hips and follows Naomi inside.

She welcomes herself into the staff room to get herself a cold drink, sweaty because of the temperature and the stress she’s felt before. Afterwards, she goes for hunting Oceanside Wellness Group’s shrink and eventually peeks inside one of the open offices and finds Violet alone there. She knocks on the door, making the woman turn around from whatever she’s been reading on her desk by the opposite wall.

“Heeey,” Addison steps inside, feeling just the tiniest bit awkward.

“Addison,” Violet smiles at her, gesturing for her to close the door. “Naomi told me you had a visit at the hospital. Everything went well?”

“Yes, I think so,” Addison says, nodding. “I have to wait for a bit.”

“I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you,” Violet smiles again, clearly not understanding why Addison has snuck into her office. “Whatever that is.”

“Thanks,” Addison lingers for a moment longer and then heads straight to the couch and flops on it, sighing.

“I need advice.”

“I’m on my break rig…”

“I think I’m bisexual but I don’t think I should call myself bisexual,” Addison says so hurriedly that the words mix into one long word, barely understandable apart.

Violet’s eyes widen and she looks defeated just a moment later, then sits down in the big armchair across from Addison.

“And why do you think you shouldn’t call yourself that?” Within a second she turns into her professional side.

It takes one question for a flood to come out of Addison’s mouth like she’s been waiting for someone to ask her this question for months, if not years in the making.

“When I was younger, before my marriage, I used to date women, not as much as men. But then, I fell in love with Derek and I decided he is the person I want to spend my whole life with and honestly, I just stopped looking at women this way. Then I… slept with Mark and fell in love with him, too, and I still never looked at women as well. Then.. there was this man in Seattle Grace but we could never work it out. And as I look at my life now, most of the people I cared for in a romantic way were men and in comparison, there were very few women. So…” Addison stops talking and stops, out of breath. She brushes through her hair and inhales. “Am I… Can I even identify myself with bisexuality if most of the people I liked were men? Is it fair to women who actually date both men and women? Because I feel like an impostor. Like I’m lying… Or just pretending.”

“Sexuality is fluid, Addison,” Violet begins after a quick moment of introspection into the rambling. “And except for that, you can be bisexual whether you date men ninety percent and women ten percent. It can go the other way, you can date ninety percent of women and ten of men. It’s barely ever fifty-fifty. Just because you’ve never had an as strong and steady relationship with another woman as you had with your ex-husband or other men you mentioned, doesn’t make you any less bisexual.”

“Oh.”

“Did something happen to trigger you into this identity crisis?”

Addison shrugs, fidgeting with her fingers in her lap.

“Did someone happen to trigger you?”

“You already know,” She rolls her eyes, feeling way too dumb to be acting like she has awkward crushes on her friends.

“Well, the personal me probably knows, but the professional me certainly doesn’t.”

“Meredith Grey happened,” Addison says in a whisper as if someone is trying to overhear the conversation from behind the door. “And I don’t know what exactly happened because she is my close friend and she is most certainly straight and I do not have feelings for her, but, she just… she is in my head all the time. I hate being away from her, I hate to be in LA without her, I hate she will be away for the next two weeks and I won’t have her around. I just… The further away I am from her, the longer I am away from her, the longing gets only stronger.”

“I think it’s natural to miss your friends and for the absence of them making you feel more lonely and want them to come back sooner,” Violet says calmly; she is not here to let herself in for trouble and tease Addison while she clearly on the edge of her seat. Yet one small little question can’t hurt… “But why do you worry about Meredith being straight since you are not interested?”

That shuts Addison up right away.

“I- Just- W- I- I mean, I would be sure then she can accept me for being bi?”

“Are you answering or asking me?”

“I think I should go,” Addison stands up and straightens her dress. “I didn’t book an appointment anyways, I can’t busy your free time. Thank you. See you. Bye. Thanks. Goodbye.”

Violet cannot even answer her back because Addison Montgomery escapes what’s uncomfortable and unclear.

The shrink stares at the door for a moment and then chuckles, shaking her head. Opening one of the drawers, she pulls out a clean sheet of paper and writes at the top ADDISON MONTGOMERY and right below in love with Meredith Grey and in denial. Some part of her wants to add a bisexual mess but she hopes that Addison eventually gets it right. Perhaps she will be back here and Violet would love to make an actual appointment with her. Perhaps. She has to ask Naomi.

---

After saying goodbye to Naomi, Addison takes a walk to her house and from there, she jumps into her rented car, driving straight to the airport. Her little suitcase is thrown onto the backseat and when she parks her car, she checks the time, seeing she still has over an hour.

Waiting at the airport, she begins to look for the best hair salon in Seattle.

What else can a girl do when in crisis if not a spontaneous change of hair?

Notes:

i act like a dog seeing another dog when i see a comment under my fic - make this puppy of a writer happy:)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 25: it's all in the name of love

Notes:

hi guys!!!
it might be getting boring but as always ENORMOUS THANK YOU for everything, every kudos, every comment, every answer to my question. you never let me down with your feedback and it keeps me afloat more than you could ever know<3
popping in, i just wanted to let you know that i'm getting better and i'm slowly adjusting to my new life. i'll do my best to keep posting on mondays:)

about the chapter, it's one of the most important ones and i feel like we all have been waiting for a moment where meredith feels actually loved and accepted. (but no more spoilers!!!) i hope you will be happy with how things will end this chapter;)

The second day, just as promised, Meredith and Cristina spent on the beach just to come back red as tomatoes to their hotel room. Licking their wounds and dressed in the most skimpy clothes they got, they went out to get embarrassingly drunk at the quickest pace there is. That’s how Meredith found herself texting Addison, listening to Cristina puking her insides out in the bathroom and the TV playing way too loudly at 2 a.m.

On the third day, they nursed the hangover and the red spots all over their bodies; Meredith buried herself into the book and Cristina just lay with her head on the pillow, unable to roll over on her back. They ordered room service and gossiped about every person from the hospital possible. Who knew that talking behind someone’s back can be such a bonding experience?

On the fourth day, Meredith insisted they do something fun. They ended up going on a group road trip to Waimoku Falls, but when they arrived at the plain of the location, it turns out it was a fucking hike up the mountain to reach the waterfalls. This way, Cristina cursed through an hour filled with climbing up the path and Meredith tried to talk her into believing it was an amazing opportunity to see nature closer. It was a bit rewarding to reach the enormous, beautiful water falling from the sky, in the end. They took surely an uncalled amount of photos and wondered if they could just stay there forever, instead of climbing back down to the group bus. In the evening, they went for a sunset sail and watched the sun come down.

Now, on the fifth day, it’s still morning but they have already swam up on the ocean with a special crew for Cristina to snorkel in the deep crystal clear waters.

“Meredith, I just saw a turtle!” Cristina breaks the surface and calls out to her, her face covered with the funny mask and fins on her feet.

Meredith leans against the railing with a grin on her face, “Amazing!” She pulls out her camera and begins to take another session of Cristina in the water.

“You sure you don’t wanna jump in?” It must be the third time Cristina asks her, overly excited - it’s suspicious to see her so alive suddenly but Meredith is not going to question the outburst of energy. She deserves to enjoy herself and forget about that asshole.

“Absolutely sure,” Meredith calls out to her. “I am good up here.”

Cristina dives back into the water and after a minute, appears again, “I just touched a turtle!”

And Meredith just loves the fact that she turned on a recording to have Cristina laughing like a kid, screaming excitedly about freaking turtles. To have her so alive, acting just as if she had an opportunity to scrub in for the coolest of surgeries, brings Meredith peace and pure joy. The longer she pulls her out for new activities, the better Cristina seems to get - joking, not in this sardonic way, and beginning conversations on her own.

Taking her snorkelling turns out to be bull’s eye.

When she comes up for the air again, Meredith is staring into the water, remembering the cold of the bay, so she doesn’t notice her at first.

Suddenly, there Yang is, right beneath Meredith swimming in circles like crazy.

“The turtle is following me! Mer, look!”

Cristina swims down and Meredith notices a turtle swimming towards her. When Cristina stops, it stops and when she swims away, the turtle goes right behind her. Meredith bursts out laughing, not believing what she sees.

When Cristina resurfaces, there is a toothy grin on her face.

“Don’t let it bite you in the ass!”

She perfectly captures the moment Cristina shows her her middle finger and dives back in, plunging deeply into the water. She stays there for a long moment while Meredith decides not to stare at that, to simply not ruin the trip for her. Instead, she stares at the horizon and then turns to look at the island. It does feel like a paradise at times.

After another twenty minutes filled with Cristina’s joyful screams and three turtles which begin to stalk her, the crew help her climb up to the motorboat. She looks like a wet dog and Meredith laughs so badly she gets threatened with having her camera thrown out into the water for Cristina’s new friends to play with.

“Do you think we can come back next week before we leave?” Cristina asks her, covered in two towels that Meredith put around her.

“Your wish is my command,” Meredith says. “We can come back as many times as you want.”

She is standing next to sitting Cristina, leaning against the railing as the motorway speeds on the waves. Logically, there should be more fear in her, to feel how the water moves beneath them, but all it takes is for Cristina to rest her head against her hip to feel safe.

“You are getting softer,” Cristina sing-songs.

“Shut up or I’ll scare all your turtles away the next time.”

Half an hour later they are on the shore, thanking the crew, promising to come back. Meredith tries to ignore one of the younger men who winks at her, some mean part wanting to make a gagging reflex just to make fun of him. Instead, she waves at him and pulls Cristina away from the mini wooden port as quickly as possible.

“I am starving,” Cristina says as they walk through the beach, heading back to the resort.

“First you’re gonna shower, you stink,” Meredith elbows her playfully. “I’m not taking a mermaid for lunch.”

While she waits for Cristina to get clean and ready to go out, she comes back to The Time Traveller’s Wife. Before she can actually dive back into the plot, she sniffs the pages like a book junkie. By now, she is halfway through the book and lingers, wondering if she can mark another passage, but in the end, she finds the pencil and crookedly marks a dialogue.

“I don’t understand why you talk like that. You’re always saying horrible things about yourself. You aren’t like that. You are good.”
Henry looks at my hand and disengages his, and draws me closer. “I’m not good.”

Call her dramatic but in the last three words, she makes a big circle around them.

Is she leaving a message for the future version of Addison who will be rereading the book? She has no idea because if anything, Addie will kick her ass for claiming such things and Meredith finding herself in them.

Half an hour, they decide to try out some Italian place they haven’t visited yet, right at the edge of the wide beach. The temperature is high today and the air seems to be standing in one place, especially when they’re back on land. When they were out in the ocean, the water brought at least a bit of comfort from the scorching sun, but here, even the air conditioning doesn’t help.

Just when their drinks arrive, Meredith’s phone begins to ring.

“It’s Izzie,” She tells Cristina, frowning.

Cristina doesn’t look fazed, shrugging and drinking her blue cocktail through a straw.

Meredith puts the phone to her ear and she doesn’t even manage to say hello before Izzie bursts in with her confession.

“George didn’t pass the exam.”

“Wait, Izzie,” Meredith sighs. “What?”

“I just saw him and he told me he didn’t pass the intern test,” Izzie says, breathless and slowly leaning into a panic.

“But-” Meredith looks at Cristina who moves her chair loudly towards hers and puts her ear close to the phone, listening. “He said he did.”

“He lied!” Izzie says way too loudly.

“What now?”

For a moment, Stevens stays quiet. It seems she called Meredith for guidance, but unfortunately, Grey lost any kind of logical thinking the day she saw her father the last time. She feels as lost in the situation as Izzie.

“He told me he will repeat the year.”

“That’s not…” Meredith looks at Cristina who only shrugs at her and moves closer to the phone again. “That bad.”

“He won’t get to be residents with us!”

“We can’t do anything about it now,” Meredith speaks calmly, knowing that giving into Izzie’s storm of feelings leads only one way. “He could have said sooner, maybe then we could work it out somehow.”

“It’s done now, then.”

“It sucks,” Meredith says and covers her phone’s microphone when a waiter comes with their plates, thanking him.

“It does!”

Cristina moves away on her chair and begins to pick on her fillet while staring at Meredith. She talks on her phone for a couple of minutes more, promising to say hi to Cristina and trying to listen to the rant in the quickest way possible. It’s not like her food will get cold soon but she does feel hunger pans while watching Cristina eating.

Finally, Izzie says her goodbyes and hangs up.

“007 didn’t pass,” Cristina says blankly.

“How it seems,” Meredith finally begins to eat her noodles.

---

After their afternoon nap, they decide to use the jacuzzi on their terrace right before dusk. The sun is slowly coming down, right with the temperature - the darker it gets, the better the sensation of the hot bubbly water against the cool air.

They are discussing options for tomorrow's day; Meredith has a brochure she picked up in one of the bars and clubs, with propositions for activities around the island. In the end, they agree on a whale-watching sailing trip at the noon. But the weekend they decide to stay in their room, given that the town gets busier with tourists then and make a movie night. Just like that, they have planned the ending of week number one and Meredith throws the brochure on the floor, then leans her head back, staring at the colourful sky.

“I’m all wrinkled,” Cristina sits up and pulls herself out of the jacuzzi. “I’m out of here.”

“It’s all mine then,” Meredith cracks a grin and raises her feet above the water, just where Cristina was a second before.

Yang catches her foot and tickles her, making Meredith slide down the jacuzzi into the bubbles and her whole head is wet when she pulls herself up.

Later that night, they are in pyjamas surprisingly early and order some snacks in room service. The TV plays in the background as always, a drama series they’ve already got hooked on replaying yesterday’s episode.

It comes over Meredith without any warning.

She is sitting at the foot of the bed with the camera in her hands, watching the photos she took with snorkelling Cristina and then, shivers run down her spine. Sudden flashbacks of Derek walking out on her when she needed him the most, his words, his ugly words and the hatred he’s thrown onto her. The memories come at her like a speeding train and she is suddenly on the tracks, out of nowhere.

She turns around to Crisitna who is leaning against the headboard, watching the show.

“I need you to promise me one thing.”

Yang takes her eyes away and looks at Meredith, “Do I have to?”

“Cristina, it’s important.”

“Okay, okay, I’m listening,” She turns the volume down and throws the remote control away from her on the mattress. Her eyes set on Meredith and…

Honestly, she hasn’t planned this. Her mind went only so far about the scenario and now it feels too late to turn it into a joke. She should have been telling this at the end of their honeymoon, not before the very middle because if Cristina disowns her as her person, that will be a hell of a week together.

But it’s not like Meredith thinks Cristina is a bad person who won’t accept her for who she is. It’s not about the level of goodness inside Yang, it’s about the past experiences Meredith went through; at some point, you just stop believing people will tolerate you. The constant screaming in her head, her mother’s and Derek’s voices mixing together make her lose her mind.

“Promise me I’ll be your person even if I have been a liar,” She says, dead serious.

Cristina is having none of it, “Meredith, what is it about?”

“Promise me,” Meredith moves across the bed to sit right by Cristina; her voice is heavy and she stares into Yang’s dark eyes. “Do it, promise me.”

It takes a moment for Cristina as she stares back into Meredith’s blue eyes before giving in.

“I promise.”

Meredith should let it go but her trust issues are setting an alarm through her whole body.

“Pinky promise,” She says and reaches out with her hand to Cristina.

“You’re scaring me, Mer,” Cristina says but intertwines her finger with Meredith’s.

Their hands stay like this for a moment, until Meredith decides it’s enough and drops it.

“Now, I have to tell you something. About me,” Her voice already trembles and her hands feel so cold she has to dig in with her fingertips into the bedsheets so their shaking isn’t visible. “About something I have been waiting a lifetime to tell… And I feel like if I tell you, if I just have one person on my side, finally someone being there for me completely, I’ll learn to accept myself the way I am.”

“Okay.”

Cristina might have been hesitant before, shooting her weird looks and looking confused. However, the moment Meredith begins her little speech, she tries to get as serious as possible. Now, she is looking at Meredith without a blink and waits.

There is not a single reason she would let her person down.

“I’m…” The word can’t get through Meredith’s throat, so she tries again. “When I think about my future, I see myself ending up with a woman. Married to a woman, if married at all.”

Instead of the frown and disgust she expected, Cristina tilts her head curiously, “So… you’re gay?”

“I’m gay,” Meredith says - in her imagination, she would say that with her back straightened, chin up, proud of herself; in reality, she ducks her head and curls up into herself from the world. “I’m a lesbian.”

What beautiful three words.

Before Cristina can say something in her confusion, Meredith bursts into tears.

“Mer,” Cristina speaks softly. “Hey, Mer- oh, come here.”

Without a word more, Yang pulls Meredith into a hug and Grey clings onto her like she is the last thing she can hold onto in the whole wide world. Her body is wracked with sobs as she stays in the embrace, Cristina’s arms the warmest and brightest harbour in every ocean. She tucks her head on her shoulder, wetting the T-shirt with her tears.

“I’m sorry for crying,” Meredith whimpers, her body slowly losing the tension the longer Cristina holds her. “I’m sorry for making a scene.”

“You are my favourite drama queen, don’t apologize,” Cristina chuckles, brushing through the long blonde hair.

Eventually, Meredith pulls away and wipes her tears away, smiling half-heartedly at unfazed Cristina. This is quite the best reaction she could wish for - that Cristina looks at her the same damn way she did before Meredith even spoke a single word.

“But… all of the McDreamy and McVet?”

She expected questions, obviously, given the history she has.

“It was fake,” Meredith says, her voice slowly stopping to quiver. “I never meant any of it.”

“You’re a lesbian.

“I’m a lesbian.”

Cristina nods, “I’m not going to say I saw it coming because I never did, but it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t have to change anything, you’re still Meredith. Well…” The face she makes is sneaky and Meredith knows she is plotting right away. “We’ll go out tomorrow and we’ll find you a girl, huh? McVeryGay.”

It makes Meredith laugh loudly, her eyes still shining with tears. She shakes her head in disbelief, “Stop.” But her laughter never dies out and a smile stretching on her lips is one of the most sincere in many days.

“She will be your Hawaiian rebound after dealing with McMen,” Cristina says with a smirk.

“So you’re really okay with it?” Meredith’s smile softens and she asks with a serious tone.

“I did make a promise,” Cristina leans back against the headboard. “And besides, I was kinda done with you when you were running after Derek. This is much better.”

“I told him,” Meredith says, flinching at the memory. “That’s why we broke up. He… let’s just say he is not a fan of mine now. I worry he might… I needed to tell you before he would because all the time I have this sense he will make his revenge and out me to everyone. And I never want for you to find out like this, or anyone else. I don’t know if I will manage to outrun him, but at least you know. That’s enough for me.”

“Does anyone else know?” Cristina asks.

“Not really, not anyone else alive, though,” Meredith chuckles darkly. “I told my mother before her death.”

“Ellis Grey didn’t take it well, I’m guessing.”

“Oh, not at all.”

“Good thing she is not here,” Cristina smiles and taps Mer’s knee. “You’re about to have the gayest honeymoon of your life.”

“Thank you, Cristina.”

This night Meredith sleeps like a baby. Curled up on the left side of the bed, she dreams of beautiful things, not a single nightmare occurring in her mind. No anxiety attack wakes her up, no cruel words in her memories circle around her mind.

All she has is the warmth pooling on her chest and the sense of safety surrounding her. All she ever needed is to have one single person know every flaw, every secret, every fear in her heart and accept her as she is. It doesn’t make her drown in self-love right away, and it will be a long road to that, but what she has now is enough.

Somebody loves her without exceptions and that’s enough.

Notes:

fun fact: i came out with these same exact words as mer

every reaction from you makes my entire week❤️
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 26: 'round my hometown, memories are fresh

Notes:

hellooooooo!!
we're finally back and AO3 is working again, thank fucking god - i was refreshing the page like crazy and here we are.
thank you so much for all of your comments! each one of them mean the literal word to me and if someone told me i would gain so many readers throughout the journey that this story has been so far, i would be amazed; and i am amazed!
this one might feel like a bit of a filler but the conversation our fave ladies will have here meant a lot while i was writing it<3

hope you'll enjoy this little mess:)

Cristina Yang is anything but weak in her attempts at match-making.

By day twelve of the honeymoon, Meredith almost wishes for Cristina to be homophobic.

The first woman is a blue-haired tourist that they went on a trip to Waimoku Falls which lives a couple of doors away in the resort. Meredith doesn’t really catch how and when Cristina invites her to dinner along with two of her friends, but one night, she is just left alone with the woman by the table while Cristina pulls two others away. It is not awkward and the chemistry might have been there if Meredith’s gaydar wasn't telling her that the woman, Nicki, is the straightest girl on the island.

Apparently, Cristina does not own a gaydar at all - it makes sense she never realised Meredith is sapphic. Then, she promises to do better and on the next day, they go to a bar they went to once at the beginning of their stay.

The bartender there is clearly interested.

Looking handsome with a buzzcut and a tight tank top exposing her muscled arms, Meredith has a bit of fun with that. She gets two drinks free and surprises herself with the way she flirts with the woman. Cristina is somewhere dancing between the warm bodies and… Perhaps it’s the fact they are kilometres away from home and no one will ever find out about what happens here. What happens in Hawaii, stays in Hawaii.

She actually gets the bartender’s number written on her forearm. When she gets back to their room, she washes it away in the bathtub.

But Cristina is nowhere near stopping.

“I will find you a perfect girl,” She tells Meredith when the blonde appears at the bathroom door, with a towel on her head, the steam after a hot bath evaporating into the bedroom. “And you will have your perfect McRebound.”

“There’s no such as thing a per-” Meredith begins but shuts up before ending the sentence.

There is a perfect girl. She’s told Addison once, back what feels like years if not decades, still in LA, and she meant it. Addison is perfect.

“And I have the next candidate already prepared,” Cristina ignores her. “We’re going snorkelling, baby.”

She is obviously tipsy and rolls her syllables funny, so Meredith just shakes her head and decides to ignore her right back.

Attempt number three involves the girl from the snorkelling crew. Cristina makes the best out of swimming with turtles again, staying in the water for almost an hour, right after she pulled Maria or whatever her name was, close to Meredith and made them talk. This way, she doesn’t even call out for Meredith to watch her or take photographs, letting the two of them talk. It’s awkward small talk and despite both of them being obviously gay, that is not it.

It’s that kind of conversation which come back to you in the middle of the night and you cringe at how goddamn embarrassing that was.

Meredith begs Cristina afterwards to stop trying because she doesn’t want more experiences of that kind.

Does Yang listen?

The next evening, they go to a stripper club. The answer is pretty clear.

She buys both for Meredith and for herself a lap dance and when Meredith sees that the stripper she got is a tall redhead, she almost dies on spot. When the woman sits on her lap and plays with her hair, smiling innocently down at her, that is her finish point. Only when they leave the club, Meredith yells at Cristina, lashing out at her and decides not to talk to her for a whole day.

So, the next day, there are no new women because Meredith wakes up before Cristina and decides to hide by one of the swimming pools. She lays on the sun lounger and orders drink by drink and only four hours later, when is well over the state of tipsiness, does Cristina find her.

“What the hell, Meredith?” She flops on a chair next to her.

Meredith ignores her, moving the book in her hands to the side, to cover up Cristina from her gaze.

“I’m not talking to you.”

“I thought you would like to let loose a bit away from home!”

“No.”

“You could have told me.”

Now that - that sets Meredith’s anger on fire.

She throws the book down and sits abruptly, “I did tell you! I kept telling you every fucking day! And you ignored me! I am not ready to date-” She stops and turns her voice into a whisper. “I am not ready to date women.”

“Nobody would find out,” Cristina says.

“Either way, I am not ready,” Meredith falls back onto the lawn chair. “Give me a break.”

The last official attempt is honestly made by mistake; Cristina has decided to gracefully listen to her person and stops setting her up. But they are already signed up for a performance on the beach involving native dancers, doing the traditional Hulu dance. Probably by how much alcohol she’s had since morning without any meals, Meredith comes up to one of the dancers afterwards and finds herself flirting with her. It’s the only trial which goes actually natural and she gets another number, along with the stunning brunette sticking a beautiful plumeria above her ear, into her hair.

“That one was cute,” Meredith mumbles as Cristina carries her back home. “She gave me her flower.”

She falls asleep for the whole afternoon and awakens in the evening, with a terrible headache and a sucking feeling inside her stomach. Cristina orders room service and they eat by the table, chatting and making up for the messy morning.

Their conversation falls on Burke but it’s cut off right away by Yang when his name only leaves Meredith’s lips. She seems to be getting better on the outside, but Grey does realise how things can get messy on the inside while everything seems good.

Because of her long nap, she can’t find sleep while Cristina is dead asleep by her side.

This way, she finds herself taking one of the blankets off the bed and twisting it around her frame before stepping outside on the terrace.

With her phone in her hand and the book in the other, she curls up on the couch, right beneath the beautiful night shy. She leans her head back to just watch the stars for a moment, getting lost in the constellations. She knows she will call Addison before even her fingers tap on her number.

“Meredith?”

She opens the book where she marked the page with her finger and speaks up,” I just got to that part in the book, the quote you underlined. ‘My body wanted a baby. I felt empty and I wanted to be full. I wanted someone to love who would stay: stay and be there, always.’ And I wondered when did you mark that. And how that Addison would be happy to know where you are right now.”

“I was 34,” Addison says. “So, years ago.”

“Wow.”

“Why are you calling me?” Addison asks softly. “Is everything okay?”

Because you are the only person I want to be talking to. All those girls, all those bars, all the flirts, they mean nothing more than shit. All of it just fades to black in comparison to you. It’s all just a pile of shit, it doesn’t mean anything when you’re not here.

“Everything is good,” Meredith says, her heart’s pace slowing down just by the voice on the other side. “It’s just… It’s been ten days since we talked the last time.”

She did listen to Addison’s wish to stay away, but this long is enough. She has healed, she has rested and all she wants to do is be back with Addie, laughing about the stupidest of things.

“I missed you, Meredith,” Addison tells her.

“I missed you, too. I still do.”

“But you cannot tell me a break like this didn’t make it better,” She has that tone in her voice, that little annoying miss know-it-all.

It makes Meredith bubble with gentle laughter.

“Absence of Seattle Grace? Yes. Absence of you? Not at all.”

She has learned by now that Addison Montgomery might be more insecure than she lets others on; that she might feel needless while sometimes, she is all Meredith wants. Her calming presence, her silly jokes, her kind mentor nature.

“Who would tell at the beginning that the two of us would end up a joint at the hip...” Addison chuckles.

“It does sound unserious.”

“As hell.”

They talk for a quarter more; about the residency, about coming back to Seattle, about the drama that’s unfolding in the hospital while the interns are gone, about Derek throwing fits and Mark making the best of it, about Callie losing it slowly. It’s weird that only two weeks have passed and yet Meredith feels like she’s been here for a year, that everything slowly shifts and changes, and the carousel never stops.

By the time Addison yawns for the third time, Meredith decides it’s time to send her off to sleep.

“I’m not sleepy, Grey,” Addie tells her and tries to muffle her next yawn.

“Yeah, sure,” Meredith says. “Go to bed.”

“I am in bed.”

“Addison.”

“Fine, fine,” The attending gives up at last. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Very soon,” Meredith shines brightly, despite no one can see that. “Goodnight, Addie.”

They hang up and have the same exact thought - Meredith underneath the night sky and Addison staring out of her hotel window - that they might be far apart, but are under the same stars.

---

Seattle Grace is suspiciously quiet without the five of the messiest interns in the history of the universe. There is the usual portion of drama and havoc, but nothing in comparison to what Grey, Yang, Stevens, O’Malley and Karev were able to bring into the hospital within fifteen minutes.

Everyone notices it and even worse - everyone quietly in secret misses the presence of that chaos. With two last days of freedom, no one can tell if they can’t wait for what the new residents might bring in or actually dread the comeback.

“This place is so quiet without those five idiots,” Mark says during their lunch break.

He, Addison and Callie are sitting in the cafeteria inside the hospital, pre-longing the meal as much possible as it can get.

“Carefully or Addison will smash your face into your lunch,” Callie chuckles, staring down at her pudding before diving right into it.

“What? Why?”

“Because-”

Addison cuts in, “Because Meredith Grey is far from being an idiot.”

Perhaps her new job description is defending Meredith. Every time her name falls off Derek’s tongue, she shuts him right up, which sometimes leads to a burst of a powerful argument. Only Bailey and Richard are able to stop the two of them from being at each other’s throats. Shepherd never tells what his deal is and neither does Addison when the Chief asks her why she always shoots back at Derek after he begins his dumb talks.

“You’re not going to defend the rest of them?” Callie asks teasingly.

“No,” Addison answers simply. Raising an eyebrow at her friend, she decides to dig in a bit, “You’re not going to defend your husband?”

At the very mention of George, Callie first rolls her eyes and then slouches her shoulders. There is no way for Addison or Mark to make her confess what is it all about; Addison remembers though, their talk from weeks ago about cheating and signs of it.

“We’re not talking about him,” Callie says, still focusing on the pudding like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

Mark wouldn’t be Mark if he didn’t smirk at them and lean back on the chair with arms crossed on his chest, saying, “So good to be single, ladies.”

Addison steals his salad and Callie takes his pudding away and when he tries to react, they kick him out of the table.

---

Nearing the end of her shift, Addison climbs up set of stairs after set of stairs, taking the long way to the chief’s office.

Thoughtless, her hand wanders to her stomach, resting there as she walks through the whole hospital. She realises she’s learned this habit after she returned from Los Angeles and has to stop doing that, at least for now; she doesn’t even know if the insemination worked and there are a couple more days to wait until she finds out.

Her hands hang by her sides but the secret makes her lips curl into a small smile.

Knocking on the door, she hears Richard’s loud voice and she pushes the handle, stepping inside.

“Addie!” He is sitting by his desk, some documents spread out in front of him but he puts them down the moment she closes the door behind her. “Please, sit down.”

“Richard,” Addison nods and takes the seat, intertwining her fingers, elbows on both of the armrests. “I came to… Given I yelled at you the last time we talked, I have to apologize first.”

It was right before the fateful wedding when he told her she wasn’t the new chief; there has been a lot of emotions inside of her that day but none of those strong feelings was about the contest of winning the chief game. But Richard was there, and she was stressed and angry and some words were said, which she didn’t mean.

But Webber smiles at her, waving his hand at that, “It’s alright. A long forgotten matter.”

“I came here to tell you that I’m staying in Seattle. I’m not going to New York. I’m staying for a long time. Forever, I think, or as long as I’m given. So I just want you to sign me up for this position long-term.”

“That is great news!” Richard becomes more lively within a moment, smiling widely and clapping his hands together. “I’m truly happy you made up your mind.”

“I will be needing a day off now and then to resolve some things, but... I am here to stay.”

Richard smiles brightly and it only makes her more sure of her decision. It’s not like she thought about coming back to New York or actually picking up on Naomi’s proposition in the past two months, but before… she did hesitate. She came here for Derek and she lost him.

But she gained so much more.

“I’ll send you later some papers to sign,” Richard tells her.

“Okay.”

“Thank you, Addie,” Webber repeats it a couple of times while she collects herself to leave and end her shift.

“It’s nothing,” She says in the doorway.

“It’s everything.”

She cannot stop smiling after she leaves and heads down the stairs.

It’s been a long way, the past year. She came here and was faced with a fight for her husband, for the relationship that turned out didn’t stand chance since the very first day she stormed into Seattle Grace. The months she sacrificed to make up her mistakes to Derek, while his eyes were set on Meredith Grey - that little voice in the back of her head is whispering that she understands him; she knows why he couldn’t let go of Grey.

Because Meredith now is her biggest reason to stay. Not because she is worried about her (which she is, all the time), but because she found a new best friend in her, someone to lean on and someone to share her mysteries with.

She wants her kid to grow up here. Wants to bring them to the daycare and have her coworkers and friends swoon over them; she wants her baby to have this family of misfits, with no blood connection but with hearts intertwined through together lived adventures and events. Seattle has grown into her place and she wants to find a house where she can raise her own little family.

Coming back to New York or leaving for Los Angeles aren’t even choices anymore.

Her roots have already grown in Seattle.

And she will plant a little seed right here, in this city. For her kid to have a hometown they can call theirs, raised around people that love them. It sounds like a perfect plan.

Perhaps something has ended lately but there are so many new beginnings to look forward to. With that thought, Addison marches forward.

Notes:

i'm over the moon when i get a comment;)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 27: these are the hands of fate, you're my achilles heel

Notes:

hiii everyone!!
this one i'm really excited for - a new era begins within season 4 and we got a new character officially brought into the story! i listened to holy ground by taylor swift and two weeks by grizzly bear while writing this chapter and i recommend listening to them to get the vibe i tried to achieve:)
as always, ENORMOUS thank you for every sweet comment and every kudos. they make me so so happy that i cannot even put it into words!

hope you'll enjoy this one;)

Cristina is leaning against the counter of the nurses’ station, her hair tied in two long plaits when she notices a group hovering over her. She turns around, a hand on her hip.

Let the show begin.

“I have five rules. Rule number one. Don’t bother sucking up. I already hate you. That’s not gonna change.”

---

“Trauma protocols, phone lists, pagers. The nurses will page you. You answer every page at a run. A run! That’s rule number two…” Izzie turns around to see five clowns she will be responsible for from now on, 365 days awaiting ahead of her. When they stare at her, like deer caught in the headlights, she sighs. "You’re supposed to follow me.”

They collect the charts laying behind them and run after her instantly.

---

Alex loves the power he has when he marches down the bridge, having the whole hospital at his feet. The idiot interns are rushing after him as he recites the role he’s been getting ready for the whole seventeen days since he found out he passed the test and the role of resident is within reach.

“Your first shift starts now and lasts 36 hours. You’re grunts, nobodies, the bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, write orders and work every second night until you drop. And you don’t complain.” He looks back above his shoulder, to see terrified expressions on their face. This is quite frankly, one of the better days in this goddamn hospital.

---

Meredith turns on the light in the room she just walked into.

“On-call rooms. Sleep when you can, where you can, you know? But not with anybody! Not attendings! Especially not attendings.” Especially when you’re gay. “Sleeping with attendings, not a good idea. Where was I?” She loses her point and searches for George instantly.

“Um, rule number three - if you’re sleeping do not wake you unless a patient’s dying.” George prompts her and she smiles, nodding at him.

---

Cristina feels as good as possible playing her role, given she’s slept three hours and barely made it home alive after the flight. Perhaps that makes her more aggressive, her eyes staring daggers into the five fools in front of her.

“The dying patient better not be dead when I get there because not only will you have killed someone, you will have woken me for no good reason. Are we clear?”

A pretty brunette raises her hand in the air; she has big dark eyes that reminiscent of a deer’s gaze.

She looks shy when she speaks up after Cristina nods at her, “That was four rules. You said five.”

“Rule number five. When I move, you move.”

---

The day is a crazy one and it’s only been four hours of trying to make use of the twenty interns running around the hospital, following the new residents. Meredith doesn’t resent them, yet doesn’t find herself growing fonder of her group.

She is so caught up in work and realises she’s actually missed this. That some part of her truly healed because the corridors which brought her flashbacks of things she would rather not remember, don’t trigger her like they used to. She can’t afford to have a panic attack with five interns running behind her back, and she is glad there is the minimum level of anxiety rushing through her.

Of course, it’s not like she is fixed right away.

But she is able to do her work without feeling like she would fall apart any second now.

Turns out her idea to hide in the basement is not so original. When she leaves her interns to work over charts and go watch some consults and read about new patients, heading downstairs, she meets Cristina, Alex and Izzie already sitting on the bed, eating snacks.

“I hate them,” Cristina announces when Meredith falls next to her, grunting.

“You don’t hate them,” Meredith says with an amused voice. “You hate you.”

Izzie is drowning in embarrassment, “That was hideous,” She cringes. “I feel like a fraud.”

“I rocked it,” Alex nods confidently. “I think I’m the new Nazi.”

“You are not the new Nazi,” Cristina grumbles.

Then, George appears right around the corner and lingers before approaching them.

“Meredith, I need to talk to you,” He seems nervous, intertwining his hand behind his back and not meeting Izzie’s eyes as she begins to rant about being left alone for seventeen days, while Cristina and Meredith tiled in Hawaii and he went on vacation with Callie; the finishing piece is pointing out Alex is running after Ava, at which the man instantly disagrees.

It takes a long moment before Izzie actually lets it go and Meredith can jump from her seat and follow George back up the stairs. While texting Addison, asking her if she is at work, she tries to listen to rambling O’Malley; she gets lost, however, somewhere in the middle because she truly can’t understand where the conversation is going.

“Okay, so what do you want to talk to me about?” She hides her phone, the message sent.

He glances at her quickly just when they round the corner and head through the hallways of the ground floor, “Well, it’s… You know, the new interns and everything…”

“Yeah.”

Meredith wonders if this is a taboo topic to talk about the fact that George is between those new interns; that he is the only one far from new. She doesn’t think about it to be cruel, but she doesn’t really know where they stand. Asking seems like crossing some kind of border, but the problem is she doesn’t see the exact location of the line, doesn’t know where she can put her foot without twisting the knife in the wound.

“So, I think you should know…”

He continues his explanation, but Meredith can’t hear him anymore.

“Oh my God,” She mumbles.

Right across the end of the corridor, she sees a familiar face, walking and staring down into the documents in her hands.

Everything is the same, yet not really.

“Meredith?” George says to her but she is lost.

“Addie!?” She calls out, marching quickly, trying not to run - only because the gossip in the Seattle Grace about their reunion will be spread widely enough, not needing to add more fuel to the fire. “Addie.”

Addison looks up from the papers and stops walking, her smile growing on her face when she sees Meredith walking up to her.

“Meredith Grey,” She says, deciding to take it gently, not to show how she longed for this meeting and how the thought of them reuniting since the dawn. Because that’s all she could think about - to hear her voice in reality, meters apart, to look at her beautiful blonde hair fall in waves like she is straight out of a modelling company, to see her stunning smile, which should be meant only for her. All she wants to do is fall into Mer’s arms and laugh and literally pick her up in the air; two weeks apart is inhuman.

“Your hair!” Meredith says, stopping right in front of her.

“Oh, that. I might have gone wild a little bit,” She says, feeling out of breath to have Meredith so close

“You look amazing,” Meredith grins up at her, in her flat shoes while Addison has one of her favourite stilettos on.

They stare at each other for three more seconds before Meredith is the first to break. She puts her arms around Addison, tightly embracing her waist while Addison leans into her, hiding her face in her hair, inhaling in the smell of the same perfume she bought her those weeks ago.

“Hi there,” Addison breathes out.

The whole hospital disappears, it might as well be just the two of them with no one around. Feels like coming home.

"Why is love intensified by absence?"

Standing apart, Meredith moves back to now carefully watch Addison’s new dark brown hair, reflecting red in the light just a bit. She takes a strand of curled hair between two of her fingers, moving them against the silky hair, “So pretty…”

“You like it?” Addison’s face lights up.

“I love it,” Meredith smiles brightly.

“You look lovely,” Addison tells her, some part of her melting instead of starting to tease Grey. “Your hair - the sun highlights and your tan. You must have turned heads on the beach.”

“Stop.”

“You’re blushing,” Addison laughs, twirling a strand of blonde hair around her pointing finger.

“I have to get going,” Meredith backs out; runs as she usually does when things get uncomfortable and when something kicks her mercilessly in the stomach, feelings making her go insane. “George-” She turns around that her friend is gone and sighs. “Gotta go.” She points back even without the intern waiting for her and Addison laughs at her, not even pretending to not make fun of her.

---

As the ambulances drive to the trauma entrance, all residents and all interns stand by the door waiting for the paramedic to open up the vehicles with the injured. There is a dead guy and a pregnant woman to which Meredith steps right away, gently peeling away the dressing to see the wound of the amputated arm.

There is another man injured, while Cristina discovers the dead guy is not that dead in the end.

While all of them rush inside the hospital with the trauma patients, Meredith is stopped by one of the interns.

“Excuse me, are you Meredith Grey?” The girl is standing right in the way and Meredith truly doesn’t have the time to gossip right now.

“Yeah.”

“I’m- I’m Lexie.”

“Great. Move!” She tries to push the patient further and have the brunette out of her way as soon as possible.

“Lexie Grey. I’m- I’m your sister.”

Meredith’s world stops.

Staring at each other, she doesn’t utter another world. She only pushes her out of the way and takes her pregnant patient where she’ll get the help she needs. While Sloan enters the room and instructs her to find the goddamn arm, while the woman keeps repeating she needs it, she needs it because she is the only one for her child, Meredith moves like a robot.

Only later, when she has the arm and works over it in a quietened room, alone, it hits her. Lexie’s face and the woman’s words. She doesn’t know what to do about the first one, but the pregnant woman only makes her sure in her promise - that she will never desert Addie to raise her baby like this, she will never make her end up in a situation like this.

She wonders if the woman knows already.

But she also knows that Addison will come to her once she realises whether she is pregnant or she will need to try again.

Somehow, fifteen minutes later, the room she hid alone to work over the nerves on the severed arm, is filled with her friends.

It turns out Izzie is playing Doctor Dolittle and Cristina found out that Burke resigned from his position on the day after the wedding. Alex comes in a bit later, swooning over some intern and when it turns out he is talking about Lexie, Meredith kicks him out, swearing she will murder him if he doesn’t disappear from her eyes.

George comes in for a moment, too.

The five of them are in the same place for a couple of minutes, yet it feels so different from who they used to be together. Things have changed and those changes Meredith can feel with every fibre of her body. It doesn’t break her down, but neither raises her into the sky. The realisation is just simply there.

The surgery with the pregnant woman ends up successful, the young mother has her baby as well as her arm back in place.

Afterwards, when her shift ends, all she wants to do is find Addie and go out with her somewhere. Or drive together to her house. She needs her after the first day.

After knocking, she enters the attendings’ office and freezes when the only person standing there is Derek.

“Meredith,” He says, turning to the door.

She lingers in the doorway, her hand locked on the handle, “Doctor Shepherd.”

“Do you need something?”

Meredith can’t read him. She has no idea if he’s going to burst out with accusations and scream at her or if will he smile at her and act like there aren't only ruins between the two of them.

“Have you seen Doctor Montgomery?” She asks.

“She already left.”

There is no way to cover the disappointment in her voice when a small, “Oh. Okay.” falls from her lips. She really hoped to catch her today, but she shrugs and closes the door, deciding to evacuate herself before the conversation turns into something bigger.

---

It was a feeling down in her heart that caused Addison to leave earlier than she is supposed to. On her way, she visited the closest pharmacy and sped down to the hotel. The ride up the elevator felt like forever as she counted every second she had to spend there.

Now, she is sitting on the edge of the bed, her legs shaking so badly she probably couldn’t stand up if she tried.

Hand trembling, she reaches for the test laying by her side and closes her eyes for a short moment before finding out what cards she’s been dealt by fate.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated!!!
also, also: place your bets if addison is pregnant or not - i am so curious what do you think!

find me on twiter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 28: i was lost in the darkness but then i found her

Notes:

hello everyone!!
as always, i am sending you huggies and kisses for every comment and every kudos<3 they put such a wide smile on my lips every time:)
i know i left things at quite a cliffhanger but i'm back and in this chapter you'll find the answer to the question that's everybody has been waiting for. i hope i won't disappoint you;)

enjoy this chapter!

Faced with a choice, Meredith prefers to stay overnight in the hospital, worried about her interns making a mess. They do awake her twice, once because some dumbass thought he killed someone and the second because Bailey was yelling at them.

Besides that, Meredith has a night full of sleep in a darkened on-call room, thankfully with no other people inside. She thinks she can even make a long nap until noon but she gets paged again at eight. She pulls herself out of the bottom bunk, groaning and ready to snap at whatever intern decided to abuse her good share of sleep, but when she looks at the pager, it’s Addison.

Does she run like crazy through the hallways? With her dishevelled bed hair and crumpled clothes, she rushes and ignores everyone until she arrives in the staff bathroom on the ground floor.

The bathroom is empty and silent except for heavy breathing in one of the cabins.

“Addie?” She stands right in front of the door and she hears some shifting on the other side.

Addison kicks the door open, sitting on the closed toilet, her hand holding something tightly, “Look,” She reaches out and hands Meredith a pregnancy test.

Meredith’s eyes widen and she steps closer, taking it into her hand in silence.

“Two lines,” Addison whispers. “There are two lines.”

“Addie,” Meredith breathes out heavily, eyes set on the two pink lines, one lighter than the other; still, there are two freaking lines. “Oh my God.”

A wide smile stretches out on her lips when she turns her gaze back to shaking Addison. The woman seems to be in shock, her hands trembling so badly she cannot even hold them up in the air. She begins to frantically search through her purse in her lap and pulls out three other sticks, “I took three yesterday but I couldn’t believe it,” She hands them one by one to Meredith who can’t stop smiling, cheeks hurting. “And I stole four from the hospital today and they’re all… They’re all positive.”

Meredith ends up holding seven positive pregnancy tests, chuckling in disbelief. It worked on the first try.

“This is amazing!” She literally jumps in place; every ounce of sleepiness is gone. “This is incredible, Addison!”

“I… I will have a baby.”

“Yes!”

“I’m pregnant,” Addison raises her shaky hand to her lips, covering her mouth. “Meredith, I am pregnant.”

“Yes, you are,” Meredith squeals happily. She opens her arms, hands still busy with the tests, “Come here!”

Addison gets up on shaky legs, her knees gently buckling and she falls into Meredith’s open embrace. It’s a habit of theirs, falling. They don’t step into a hug, they don’t crash, they fall. It feels like a tide washes over their bodies and Addison’s frame fits perfectly against Meredith, in that one swift move where she leans into her. Her nose is stuck into the blonde messy hair and she inhales deeply, with her whole chest, for the first time since she took today’s tests.

Tears drop from her eyes and she tucks her face, hiding even more from the outside world and into the world that the two of them built together. Her safe place, her harbour when she needs to feel every emotion inside of her mind and heart. They’ve come a long way and she wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

She gets that feeling that she will remember this moment for a long time. Tears streaming down her face, finally from happiness after years of misery. Life got her back on the good side, she feels electricity in every spot of her body when she understands she’s created a life, there is something that will turn into a person one day inside of her body. And it’s such a goddamn touching sensation that she finally begins to laugh.

Her chest shakes against Meredith’s and the blonde tightens her hold and chuckles, too.

What a perfect morning.

“I am so happy for you,” Meredith says softly as they break apart.

Addison laughs again and wipes away the tears on her face, “I’m sorry for crying.”

“It’s a good cry,” Meredith leans closer and fixes the red lipstick that smudged above Addison’s top lip. “Don’t apologize. Cry as much as you want, it’s a beautiful moment.”

“I’m gonna have a baby,” Addison catches Meredith’s hands in the air and squeezes them. A squeal leaves her lips as the shock slowly overturns into pure joy. “It worked.”

Meredith nods and her eyes fall back on all the pregnancy tests she is holding, “Let’s hide that before anyone comes in. We don’t want any gossip, do we?”

They hide six of them in Addison’s purse and Meredith steals one in remembrance, sliding it into the pocket of her trousers. Montgomery rolls her eyes at that, but deep inside thinks it’s truly sweet, such a simple yet thoughtful gesture. To have someone care for her future child just as she does, it brings her more peace than she would ever realise.

Perhaps she started off doing this on her own, but throughout the process, it seemed like Meredith got herself involved to the point where her heart is almost as in it as Addison’s. That proves one thing - she truly didn’t need a man to do this. Sometimes friendship can be more powerful than a relationship.

“What?” Addison asks when Meredith makes that face of her.

One that means something between trouble and provoking.

“I can call you baby mama now,” Meredith says, clearly teasingly.

“Grey,” Addison looks at her in the mirror as she clears her face and washes her hands.

“Just joking,” Meredith cracks a cocky smile, but in reality, she feels herself melting underneath the way Addison pronounces her last name.

“I have no idea how I am supposed to get back to work now without screaming it out to every person I know.”

“You’re not telling anyone else for now?” Meredith pulls herself onto the counter between two washbasins.

“Not until the second trimester,” Addison shakes off her hands and pulls a bit of paper towel to dry them. “I don’t want to play with fate.”

To lead her away from the pessimistic thinking, Meredith tilts her head, “We should celebrate tonight. I have something in my mind, I’ll come over around eight after my interns finish their first shift.”

She understands Addison’s hesitation to tell people because life does has a tendency to ruin your happiness and it’s sensible to stay quiet until the second trimester. But that doesn’t mean they can’t just celebrate on their own, behind closed doors without prying looks.

“I’ll wait for you, then,” Addison says, leaning against the basin. “I need a minute or two alone to collect myself.”

“Yeah, of course,” Meredith nods and she should just leave, she should just go.

Instead, she stands on her tip-toes and briefly kisses Addison’s cheek, smiling, “I’ll see you tonight, baby mama.”

“Meredith Grey.”

Meredith walks out of the bathroom laughing out loud and covering it instantly with coughing when she sees Bailey walking into the hospital.

---

After a long day of taking care of the interns, who appear to more stupid than her own group was - which is quite an accomplishment - and avoiding Lexie who appears to have talked with Meredith as her top priority, she feels like dancing from happiness when she can finally leave Seattle Grace after almost 48 hours stuck there.

She drives to the closest grocery and buys everything she needs for the secret celebration. With a big paper bag, she gets behind the wheel again and takes the longest way to Archfield.

With her messy ponytail and well-too-long worn jeans and shirt, she does not look like a person who would live there. Ignoring the weird looks she gets from the receptionist, she heads straight to the elevator. Knocking on the door, Addison opens within three seconds.

“You’re here!” Stepping aside, she lets her in.

“Forgive me for how I look but I had no other spare clothes left,” Meredith says, settling the bag on the table and turning to Addison, smiling.

“I’ll borrow you something,” Addison heads to her wardrobe right away, searching through things. “It might be a bit too big for you, but very comfortable.”

She hands her a pair of black yoga pants and her favourite Yale sweatshirt.

After refreshing herself and changing into the comfy set of clothing, she leaves the bathroom and begins to take things out of the bag.

“I got us strawberries,” She waves the big package in her hand. “A lot of whipped cream,” She pulls out three bottles. “And some champagne- don’t worry, it’s alcohol-free.” She puts her pointing finger against her temple, tapping several times. “Everything is well thought through.”

Addison stares at Meredith unpacking with her gaze softening, seeing how long the sweatshirt is on Meredith, almost reaching her mid-thigh. Smiling, she nods at everything the blonde says but her mind is entirely somewhere else.

“And… I have the camera with photos from Hawaii,” She reaches for the device from her purse. “Everything documented, just like you requested, ma’am.”

They spend the next hour going through the photos, forgetting about the supply of food Meredith brought as the stories that are already long get stretched out. Meredith describes every day in Hawaii and Addison drinks up every single word, eyes focused on Grey as she tells every detail of the vacation. She senses there are some parts that Meredith seems to be avoiding and her face fades a little bit when she covers up the mysterious part of the story.

Curiosity eats Addison up but Meredith doesn’t hide things without a reason, so she lets it go. The photos are between comedic and beautiful - the views, the self-portraits where Meredith’s blonde hair is shining in the bright light, eyes crinkling in laughter, the crystal clear water and all the nature captured by the camera. However, where only two of the interns appear, it’s always in some kind of awkward position or facial expression, making Addison laugh hard.

Eventually, they run out of the photos and Addison finds two glasses to pour the champagne in while Meredith washes strawberries with water in the bathroom and puts them on a plate.

Lying on the bed, Addison takes the whipped cream and shoots it into her mouth, making Meredith giggle.

“How is your residency going?”

Addison is laying on her side with her head resting against her hand while Meredith sits cross-legged.

“Apparently one of Cristina’s interns is my half-sister.”

“What?” It makes Addison pulls herself up and sits, mirroring Mer’s position.

“Her name is Lexie,” Meredith rolls her eyes only when she has to remind herself of the girl; it doesn’t really matter if her smile always seems sincere and honest, or if she appears to be as kind as they get. She cannot get the resentment out of her blood. “And she is desperately trying to talk to me.”

“You haven’t talked to her yet?”

“Not really,” Meredith’s eyebrows furrow. “Should I even bother?”

“Of course!” Addison’s voice is way too excited. “It’s... She might end up doing a lot of good in your life. It’s always the people that you think you won’t like much in the beginning that later turn into something big and important.”

“Ugh,” Meredith grumbles and falls onto the bed, bouncing off the mattress as her head hits the pillow. “I thought you would tell me to ignore her existence.”

“You didn’t think I would do that, you wanted me to,” Addison says and obviously, she is right. “Hey, listen to me. We don’t choose our families, our parents. Lexie didn’t choose Thatcher to be her father, neither did you. She probably isn’t even like him, but I have to meet her myself. You should know our parents aren’t… You are the perfect example of how the apple fell far from the tree.”

“What are you talking about?”

Meredith knows deep down that the part about Lexie and Thatcher is true and that the girl doesn’t seem to be bearing even an ounce of him inside of her. She’s seen how she smiles at the patients, how gently she carries herself around the hospital, respectful of everyone’s feelings and space. The exception of Meredith, because it’s like she craves to have a real conversation so badly that she forgets herself sometimes.

It’s easier to hang out with Cristina and make fun of her half-sister instead of listening to her patiently. So much easier.

But it doesn’t feel right - never she will confess that out loud, yet the feeling stings her inside her chest.

“Ellis Grey was a black hole,” Addison says slowly. “And you are a beautiful empathetic soul, a light for others in the stormy night.”

Meredith’s voice cracks when she speaks up, ”I am not.”

“Oh, but you are.”

Meredith feels her eyes stinging and she tries to blink her tears away; when it doesn’t work, she rolls over, turning back to Addison, hating herself for how vulnerable she is. She feels the mattress slumping behind her and soon, there is a strong arm around her waist and a nose tickling the nape of her neck.

“When you’re ready, you can tell me what that woman said to you that made you feel so worthless,” Addison murmurs, her warm breath making Meredith shiver. “When you’re ready I am here. And… I can promise you, whatever that is, I will love you unconditionally because I am here to stay and I am not going anywhere. You could be a serial killer, for all that’s worth, but you would still be my favourite person.

Meredith sobs quietly and after a minute, she rolls over to look Addison in the face.

“You’re my favourite person, too,” She whispers between hiccups. “My best friend.”

And finally, she cracks a smile. Crooked and half-hearted but a smile in the end.

“My point is though…” Addison brushes back a strand of the blonde hair that got stuck to the wet marks of tears. “That Lexie might end up being a valuable person that can bring some good.”

“I don’t want her.”

“It might take time.”

“I won’t want her.”

“I’m pretty sure you used to hate me and didn't want me either,” Addison laughs. “See where we are now?”

“Oh, I hate you when you make sense,” Meredith groans, but cannot help herself to not chuckle. “Okay, I’m fine. No more crying we are supposed to celebrate.”

“Should I get the champagne?”

Meredith sits up, “I’ll play some music.”

---

The TV’s volume is as high as possible with one of the music channels blasting in the room. The champagne is sweet and bubbles tickle in the throat, its taste brought out by the strawberries. Meredith is dancing around the room, jumping up while Addison sings along to the hit songs and laughing at Mer.

Eventually, she gets so sweaty and tired that her last jumps end with her flying over the mattress, right into drinking Addison. The beverage pours all over Addie’s white shirt, making her squeal in surprise.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Meredith instantly pulls herself back. “I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s only a shirt,” Addison says, waving her hand at that. “Now I can participate in a wet t-shirt contest and all that.”

After she changes, she also lets her hair loose, free from the ponytail.

“Can I braid your hair?” Meredith asks, on the edge of the bed.

“Sure.”

Addison sits down in the middle of the bed, feeling giddy as if the champagne had alcohol in it and when Meredith’s slender fingers brush through her hair, she lets out a quiet moan. She loves having someone play with her hair and the last time someone did that must have been over a year earlier, before everything went down between her, Mark and Derek.

Her ex-husband used to love to have his fingers in her hair, but it ended abruptly after she sabotaged her own ‘perfect’ life.

When Meredith begins to make a French plait, her eyes roll back into her skull and every nerve and every stress slowly evaporate from her body. Complete peace surrounds her after she turns the volume of the music down and it switches to a softer, slower song. She could spend forever like this.

Just as she finishes and Addison hands her an elastic to tie it at the end, loud knocking resounds on the door.

“Come in!” Addie calls out, then realises. “Wait, the door doesn’t open from the outside.”

She slides from the bed, leaving Meredith curiously peeking to see who is coming.

“Mark?”

Sloan stands on the other side with his usual smirk, “We’re going out with Callie and- Grey?”

He leans into the door, seeing the blonde staring at him. She speaks up, calling out to him, “We’re having a girls’ night.”

It makes him smile even wider and he turns towards the elevator, “Callie, come over here!”

The woman appears a couple of seconds later in a leather jacket and full face of makeup, clearly ready to go out into town.

“Hey, guys,” She nods at Addison and waves to Meredith.

“We’re having a girls’ night!” Mark says, pulling Callie’s hand and pushing past Addison into the hotel room.

He crashes onto the bed right beside Meredith, sending her into a pearl of caramel laughter, which captivates Addison right away. Callie catches her staring at Mer and Addison quickly recovers, closing the door and preparing mentally for a mess.

---

That girls’ night turns into Mark Sloan being the star of the evening, demanding attention and real royal treatment. The three women decide to go with it and an hour later Mark is out of their hair, dead asleep with a moisturising sheet mask on his face and two slices of cucumber on his eyes. He is snoring lightly, right in the middle of the bed while Mer, Callie and Addie sit around him, eating food they ordered in room service, the news playing on the TV.

“I think it’s time to move out of this hotel,” Addison looks around the place she’s spent the last couple of months. It never began to feel like home, far from it.

Meredith swallows her spaghetti before speaking, “Do you know where exactly?”

“I don’t want to live alone, so I thought about finding a roommate for a while. I’d buy a real house after New Year’s, to start a new year with a big change.”

“So you’re staying in Seattle?” Callie asks with a full mouth, not even looking at Addison, whose face turns into a caught-off-guard expression.

“You wanted to leave?” Meredith’s neck almost snaps at how fast she turns from Callie to Addison.

Callie makes a panicked expression, realising her fault and whispering ‘oops’.

“I didn’t want to leave,” Montgomery explains slowly, not escaping Meredith’s betrayed gaze. “But I felt like I don’t belong here, I felt like nobody wants me here. But that changed, some time ago.”

“You are really wanted here, Addison,” Callie says right away.

Meredith nods vigorously, despite they’ve made it clear to Addie a long time ago that they are the base of each other’s life in Seattle, “I second that.”

“I third that,” Mark speaks up, his voice low and raspy from the sleep.

“Already awake princess?”

“I’m as good as new.”

No one even notices that the night is getting later and later, and where the sun was just a moment earlier, now there are stars overpowered by the city lights. The sky isn’t even dark here in the middle of the city, and the crescent moon is so thin that it is not even visible throughout the red curtains.

Addison feels like the moment is slipping through her fingers; she sees the memory of Los Angeles in her mind, how the Californian sand burned her fingers. She has her favourite people around, her best friend, and the future godmother and godfather of her baby; there is just the tiniest part of her that wants to scream out the good news, to share them with the whole world, to have everyone dance it out for the hell of her future kid.

She stays silent. She’s learned a long time ago some things are better kept unsaid until there is pure certainty of the matter. She laughs at the jokes and tries to pull her hand away from her stomach, which is pulled by gravity to rest there.

Meredith excuses herself to the bathroom and the moment the white door falls shut, Mark and Callie literally jump on her.

“Did we crash your date?” Callie whispers theatrically.

“What?” Addison frowns.

“Your lesbian girl-on-girl date?” Mark adds in a louder voice and gets punched in the shoulder with Addie’s fist while Callie cuffs his ear, shushing him.

“No,” Addison stands up from the bed, hand pointing at the window. “You either stop or I am sending you out of this exact window.”

“Who is flying out the window?” Meredith says, just after exiting the bathroom.

“Mark.”

She laughs like that makes sense without even more explanation and then announces she needs to get going, to make sure her roommates are even alive after their first shift spent controlling their interns. Mark proposes to walk her to the door and she agrees easily, before hugging Addison and Callie goodbye. She wishes she could stay longer, but at this point, her body is killing her, dreaming of sleeping on a real bed, not on-call room stiff mattresses.

While Mark walks her outside through the rain to her car parked just a corner around the street, Callie cannot hold in the words that burn her tongue, unsaid.

“George cheated on me.”

Addison turns on her heels with a strawberry stuck in her mouth.

“What… How? Callie, what?”

“With Stevens.”

Her heart aches for her friend and she sits in front of her.

Pulling Callie's hand into her own, she squeezes it, trying to give her as much support as she is able to, “Tell me everything.”

The day might be ending but the drama in Seattle Grace never truly ends.

Notes:

please let me know your thoughts and feelings, i appreciate every single comment<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 29: from sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes

Notes:

hiiii guys!
i'm coming back with a new chapter, filled with a lot of usual seattle drama and new reasons to hate derek shepherd more lol (if it's even possible).
thank you for every sweet comment and every kudos, they put the biggest of smiles on my face.

i wanted to leave a link to my curiouscat where you can leave me questions about the fic or even maybe about me! i would love to answer all of them:)
https://curiouscat.live/imshakesqueer

enjoy this chapter<3

“My mother is haunting me.”

She is standing in the corridor of the hospital with Cristina leaning against the nurses’ station, holding a purse to her chest.

“That’s why you’re holding her to your chest?” Yang doesn’t even bat an eye at her, paging through the charts in front of her, writing something.

“Well, I couldn’t leave her in the car,” Meredith whispers. “Where am I supposed to take her?”

“I don’t know, maybe cubby.”

Halloween rolled around quite fast and Meredith didn’t even feel the days passing; it only hit her when Addison mentioned soon the full first month of her pregnancy will end soon. She realised that in the past two weeks, she learned quickly her new role as a resident and while her interns could have been a big pain in the ass, nothing compared to Lexie Grey.

She tried to push her away as far as possible, yet the brunette never seemed to let go, even when she tried to be cold towards her the same way Meredith was to her. Somehow, Meredith found herself approaching her half-sister one evening in the clinic with Susan’s death note; she confessed she was fond of Lexie’s mother and tried to look empathetic, remembering Addison’s words. She explained every step of the catastrophically fatal day, of how the complications were only one percent and Lexie listened to her attentively, those big Bambi eyes of hers shining with tears she held back.

That led to a conversation with Cristina two days before, about Lexie. No matter how badly Meredith wanted to hate the person Lexie Grey was, she couldn’t bring herself to truthfully do that. Even when she lay awake in the night, imagining hateful things about the girl, it never worked.

“We still hate the idea of her. We just realise we don’t have a reason to hate the actual person,” Meredith told Cristina.

She still thinks that.

Fuck her pride and holding grudges, Meredith doesn’t hate her half-sister. Her sickly kind and gentle sister who must be hurting underneath all those layers of helping others and craving intimacy and connection with her older sister.

After Cristina finishes the charts, they head to the residents' lounge to change into scrubs, meeting Alex and Izzie inside along with annoying Sydney. She begins some kind of speech when Meredith accidentally drops the bag with her mother’s ashes on the floor, earning everyone’s attention.

Let the girl deal with ghosts haunting her for Christ’s sake.

With everyone staring at the bag she stuffed inside her locker judgingly she sighs and takes the bag out, deciding to carry it back to her car. Most probably her car will completely break down with Ellis’ soul abusing the vehicle.

Eventually, Bailey enters with Callie beside her.

Meredith steals a glance at Izzie, remembering the great fight that was supposed to happen in the cafeteria a couple of days prior. Ever since the tension could be cut with a knife between the two and Meredith couldn’t really find herself in the unspoken conflict - Izzie was her friend, her family, but she began meeting up with Callie more often, ever since she paid regular visits to Archfield for dinners or just to hang with Addison. No one wants to tell her what the deal is and it’s getting tiring, Izzie and Callie looking at each other with death threats in their eyes.

That is about to change any moment now.

“Okay,” Callie clasps her hands together. “Listen up, today is a holiday which means the pit will be overrun. You’ve got the usual drunken stupidity…”

Bailey picks up right after her, “And then you’ve got Seattle’s annual chainsaw pumpkin carving contest,” She chuckles sarcastically, “I love this city.”

“Stay on your toes and stay on top of your interns, okay?” Callie looks at every person in the room.

“So we should round before the pit?” Izzie asks.

Callie raises her hand, “Yeah, you should direct your questions to Doctor Bailey, Stevens.”

Uh-uh.

Meredith bites her bottom lip, looking back at Izzie and back at Callie, whose words seemed to confuse not only the first-year residents but Miranda as well.

“Oh, we’re directing out questions to Doctor Bailey?” Cristina asks, confused.

“Oh, not you,” Callie shrugs nonchalantly. “Just Stevens.”

“Why is Stevens directing her questions to Doctor Bailey?” Miranda frowns.

Izzie’s face goes white just before Callie speaks up, looking like she can drop dead on the floor any second now.

“Because she’s been sleeping with my husband.”

The silence is deafening. Horrified looks fall on Callie from everyone in the room, while she smiles, nods and walks out. Bailey stares daggers into Izzie who evacuates herself through the other door and they are left with the confession echoing from the walls, ringing.

Well, the secret is out, apparently.

Meredith wishes she could say she saw it coming, but she most likely did not.

Bailey sends them off back to work, clearly fuming from anger on the inside while she stays patient and coldly calm on the outside.

---

Running around with Ellis Grey’s ashes and getting looks from everyone is enough drama for Meredith, but during lunch she sits with Izzie, asking many questions to which she gets only honest answers.

Obviously, it’s not the best of situations but Meredith has that rule to stay with her people through thick and thin; that’s what she exactly does.

Forgetting about the whole thing, her day turns out to have an enormous focus on a boy with no ears and finding him fundraisers and bribing the staff to help the poor boy out. Just as she speeds down the corridors, that’s when she bumps into Addison.

“You knew!”

She closes the door behind the analysis room where Addison was checking something.

“Yeah.”

Apparently, the whole scene unfolded in the residents' room has already travelled throughout the hospital. Addison seems unfazed, clicking something on a computer, her eyebrows furrowing together, creating wrinkles on her forehead.

“You knew!” Meredith pushes herself in front of the device to get Montgomery’s attention. “And you didn’t tell me!”

Addison steps back from where she was slouching over to the screen and crosses her arms on her chest, “Yeah, well, Callie’s my friend and I couldn’t tell you.”

Meredith pouts, but there is some part that makes her just go feral, realising Addison has way too much self-control to not fall under the spell of kicked puppy’s eyes or any pout.

“Izzie is my friend.”

“We’re on the other sides of the story,” Addison says, eyes crinkling as she looks down at Meredith.

Her heart skips a bit when the blonde bites down on her bottom lip, a habit she’s already learned to remember. When she has dreams about Grey, and it’s not like she will ever admit she has those, she can imagine quite perfectly the tip of white teeth playing with the lip mercilessly.

“Romeo and Juliet much, huh?” Meredith hums, finally breaking into a smile.

Are they flirting?

Or Addison is just losing her mind? She found herself having questions like these ever since she came back from her trip to LA. The thought of coming back there in two weeks to have her first ultrasound is making her almost physically sick; to see Violet and act like she didn’t expose her at all; to face Pete after she freaked out and escaped.

Let’s just say that Addison built herself quite a history in the Oceanside Wellness Group already and she will be coming back there way too soon. She decided to do one-day trips to make sure everything is good and the fetus is developing healthily, not risking the gossip spilling in Seattle Grace. Yeah, sure, there is a physician-patient privilege but she is no fool and has been working here for too long to risk her privacy and peace of mind.

Naomi already found a specialist in the same hospital she had the procedure done, who will be coming to the practice for the consults and ultrasounds. She laughed she can take care of herself on her own, first gaining a glare from Meredith who instantly talked her out of it; the same reaction she got from phonecall with Naomi.

“Star-crossed lovers, hm…” Addison holds back a smile as one of the corners of her mouth curls up. She rests her hand on the desk on Meredith’s side, leaning in closer.

The atmosphere is charged with something that she never felt between them.

It’s like, if they touch right now, the electricity would kick.

Her breathing gets heavier as Meredith’s darkened sapphire eyes find hers and she smiles as innocently as it’s possible. At this point, Addison is actively holding herself back from leaning closer. Yet the gravitation pull is so damn strong that in reality, all she wants is to fall into Meredith’s orbit even closer, cross all the borders between them.

“Well, I must admit there is something magnifying about people who were supposed to hate each other, ending up in such a position,” Meredith says, but her voice is weak and full of desire, her gaze softening beneath Addison.

Give in, Addison thinks. Give in and don't give a damn about the consequences.

She shifts, straightening her back and their arms brush together. Addison’s hairs raise at the faint touch and she lets out a quiet sigh.

“Grey, Sloan is looking for you.”

The voice behind Addison’s back brings them out of the trance, jumping apart. Bailey is standing at the door, looking at them with a frown, eyes seeing everything that isn’t said.

“Yeah, yeah, we have a case together,” Meredith doesn’t even look Addison in the eyes, passing her by, escaping the electrified space between them, feeling like she can breathe again. “I forgot.”

“He is in the clinic, looking for you,” Bailey says, standing in the doorway.

Meredith escapes the room, but Miranda stands unmoved in her place while Addison doesn’t dare to face her. Her cheeks are burning and she closes her eyes in shame, not understanding how she gave in so easily, how… It should feel wrong, she should curse herself and her stupidity to feel the moment like this, but it’s the most right thing in her heart she felt for a long time.

Jesus, she truly is an idiot.

“Doctor Montgomery,” Bailey says.

Addison knows she has to turn around and when she does, Bailey’s eyes see right through her. Like she is the easiest to read.

“Miranda,” She sighs and leans against the desk, half-sitting on it.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.”

The woman has always been shielding Meredith, it’s no surprise. Despite her wanting to appear otherwise, Addison also sees right through her. They might be friends and Miranda sometimes confides in her, but it’s Meredith Grey they’re talking about.

Montgomery chuckles and wipes at her forehead, feeling the wave of the heat all over her body, “I hope for the same.”

---

Derek strikes an hour before the surgery Meredith finds a way to fund the surgery by Seattle Grace.

She has to deal with nurses united against Mark Sloan and find a way out to have a couple of them be on their side, just for the kid’s sake. It takes time and bribing and a lot of talking but she finally meets a nurse named Rose, who gives in first. They talk for a short moment and Meredith makes her promises that both of them won’t even remember afterwards the surgery, just to have any foothold. This way, she collects a whole team for the surgery and on her way to announce to Mark they are ready and they need to book an OR, she meets with Addie again.

It should be weird between them after the earlier scene, but surprisingly, there is no awkwardness or tension between them. Almost like it never happened. Meredith does not know how to feel about it.

Later, she can’t even recall what gestures she has made with Addison and how close they were standing for Derek to get so furious. She was acting like she always is around Montgomery but something must have struck Shepherd too deeply.

She says her goodbyes to Addison when he stops her and pulls her into a room, not realising Bailey is behind him, cleaning up after the last patient who was taken to surgery.

“Derek?” Meredith gasps, out of surprise.

When he is angry, he appears much larger than he is in reality. Towering over her, he is breathing heavily.

“What the fuck, Meredith?” He growls at her. “I thought it would pass, this idiotic phase of yours? I gave you time to come back, I gave you the time and you’re fooling around with Addison out of all people?”

Derek gets closer and closer, making Meredith step back until her back hits the door. She reaches for the handle, but his hand slaps the door shut.

She closes her eyes, trying to focus on her breathing, trying not to fall into the familiar arms of panic that are just reaching out for her.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Bailey steps in and when Mer hears her voice, her eyes open widely and find Miranda’s alarmed stare. “What the hell is going on here, Shepherd?”

With hands on her hips, she makes him freeze.

He steps back to look at her and laughs coldly, “Tell her Meredith. Tell her what’s going on here.”

“Doctor Shepherd, get away from my resident,” Bailey doesn’t touch him but he steps back anyway. She reaches out for Meredith and pulls her gently behind her.

Meredith feels like she watches the scene in slow motion. She knows what’s coming, she knows that she’s been lucky enough for Derek not to out her for so many weeks, that she should have prepared and announced who she is to everyone in the hospital. It’s supposed to be her thing - how, when and who knows - and it is being taken away from her just as she observes without a word.

“She is not your resident, she is her own resident,” Derek snaps. “She is not your intern anymore.”

“Don’t talk to me that way,” Bailey doesn’t bend, doesn’t break. Her voice is heavy and underneath it, there are impossible reserves of anger which she controls, the way he could never.

“She is a dyke, that’s what happening,” Derek says and snorts, opening the door and slamming them when he leaves.

By that time, Meredith’s whole body is shaking. She feels the depths of the water around her, she feels herself slipping away. But beneath that, there is the fury. She is angry.

He took away a part of her without an ounce of guilt or blame. And left her to collect it and to fix it and she- She hates him. She wants to hate him, doesn’t want to remember one single thing that is good about him. It’s like the man she loved is dying before her eyes.

Bailey turns to her, “Meredith, what is he talking about?’

But Miranda knows. She’s known for some time and she could pretend it never happened but Meredith is already falling apart in front of her.

“He believes I’m in a sexual relationship with Addison,” Meredith utters. “I knew he would-”

Falling apart. That’s all she can do.

Tears spring from her eyes and she hates herself. Her view gets blurred and Miranda leads her to one of the empty beds, sitting her down there, shushing her when gently as she cries.

“Hey,” She sits by her side and takes her cold hand into her lap, holding her with both of hers. “He is an arrogant prick, Doctor Grey. Always has been and better for him if he won’t be in the future, but that’s on him. Don’t even pay attention to him.”

“But he is right,” Meredith says.

“You’re with Addison?”

“No, not this part,” Meredith wipes the tears away and slowly calms down. She has to think for a moment and Bailey gives her that time.

Perhaps Derek started this but she can take the power back. She can do it on her own conditions, the way she wants; it doesn’t matter if he began it in such a dirty manner, it’s still her confession to make. So, she raises her chin with the rest of the pride she can locate inside and sits straighter, no more slouching. She might not be proud of herself but she can learn.

“I’m not with Addie,” She says, voice stopping to shake. “But I’m the other part.”

Bailey’s gaze softens, “You are not that word,” Meredith looks at her with shining eyes. “If you are a lesbian, then that’s beautiful. You’re nothing different than me or your friends. You are just fine.”

“Thank you.”

Bailey stands up and squeezes her hand one last time before heading outside, “I see you, Meredith Grey. I always see you. No matter who you are.”

Meredith feels a sincere smile creeping on her mouth, “Thank you, Doctor Bailey.”

“If he makes more trouble, tell me immediately,” She says as her goodbye. “No one is going to treat you like this in my hospital. If Chief only knew…”

“Don’t tell him,” Meredith says quickly. “Don’t. I can deal with it.”

Miranda sends her one more smile and leaves.

It takes time to collect herself back again and finding pride is hard, but in the end, she won. She keeps winning and somehow, the more people know about her, the easier it gets. Now, she has good memories to fight the bad ones - Cristina and Bailey against Ellis and Derek. It’s even, and she knows when she finds the courage to tell the next person, she will only keep winning.

Not everyone will hate her. Some of the people surely will, whether it’s personal or hatred to the whole community she belongs to.

There are people who love her not despite, but along her identity.

She stands up, picking her dignity up and she follows where she is needed. She goes to save and make lives better; turn all this pain and hurt into drive. Never giving up.

---

At the end of the day, a thought crosses her mind. Meredith knows what to do with the hauntings of her mother and how to get rid of them forever.

She is in a good mood after the successful surgery, with the knowledge she just helped this boy out and made it possible for him to live like everyone else. It’s enough for today, especially after Mark quotes Addison’s words from weeks ago - that the apple fell far from the tree, and it makes her smile at him.

It got to her notice that he became very protective over her, and it is sweet, she cannot deny it. None of it feels suffocating the way Derek used to make her feel, it’s rather gentle and firm; Mark Sloan is not the devil some people paint him as. Yes, sure, he enjoys sleeping around, but isn’t that what Meredith used to do as well? If it brings him pleasure, let the man be - she might be becoming as protective over him, mirroring his actions towards her.

A quick round to the car to get the ashes and she strides through the corridors to one of the operating rooms.

That idea might have come from Lexie, into who Meredith bumped earlier and the girl started rambling about breaking into a cemetery and digging Susan’s dead cat next to her.

She stops in the operating theatre, standing by the sink and turns on the water.

It begins to pour and she opens the bag, takes a handful of the grey ashes and slowly lets them go under the water.

“Grey.”

Richard walks into the room and his eyes fall instantly on her hand.

“Chief,” Meredith acknowledges him.

“What are you doing, Grey? This is a sterile environment.”

That’s when she looks at him, “It’s my mother. And I think this is where she’d want to be,” She gives her explanation slowly.

Just like that, he steps forward and takes some of the ashes in his hand, Meredith doing the same. Their hands stay side by side, still in fists holding onto something that left a long time ago.

“Should we say a prayer?” He looks at her.

Meredith shakes her head, “She didn’t believe in anything.”

Their eyes cross for a moment and Webber nods at her.

Opening their hands at the same time, they let go of Ellis Grey.

Finally, letting all of it go to rest.

“Ashes to ashes,” Richard says. “Dust to dust.”

And to think… everything ends like this. Ashes and dust.

Notes:

i appreciate every single comment with all of my heart<3
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Chapter 30: i feel as if a rose were flung into the room

Notes:

hii guys!!!
how come we are already on chapter 30? in my mind i am still stuck in january, when i posted the first chapter without thinking it would ever turn into something bigger. insane.
as always, thank you for all of the support. i hold dearly to my heart every kudos and every kind comment and i am forever grateful for them:)

about the chapter - the title comes from a poem "Nothing Twice" by a Polish poet Wisława Szymborska. She is a Nobel prize winner and one of my favourite writers/poets. there is a verse of the poem quoted in the chapter but i recommend reading the entirety (http://math.univ-lille1.fr/~alvarez/Szymborska.html). there is also a song version of the poem recorded by artist called Sanah, and i think its worth listening as well (you can find it under name "Nic dwa razy" on spotify or youtube).

i hope you'll give the poem a chance and perhaps even look for more of Szymborska's poems;) enjoy this chapter!

Izzie is sneaking through the white corridors, trying her best to look innocent while catching every single person’s attention on her way. Whether it’s her fresh relationship with George, or the fact most of the hospital is on Callie’s side, or just simply the fact she is far from looking guiltless.

When she notices a head full of black curls, that’s when she steps away from the wall she’s been holding onto and leans against the counter.

Before Cristina can say a word when she notices the blonde, Izzie starts off her rant.

“Listen, I know you are living with Callie now and all that but you’re the only one who will listen and hear me out.”

“Bold of you to think I would listen to you,” Cristina chuckles humourlessly, sitting behind one of the computers and sending Izzie one dark gleam as she looks up at her.

“It’s about Meredith,” Izzie whispers.

“Then you should talk to Meredith about Meredith.”

It’s not the easiest of conversations, given that Cristina seemed to create some kind of bond with Callie in the past weeks they’ve shared the apartment. It is supposed to be just a temporary solution, for the two to be roommates as Cristina searches for a new apartment, one that won’t scream out Burke’s name too loudly. For now, she hasn’t talked to anyone about finding a new place and this way, she only befriends Torres deeper.

“I think she is having an affair.”

Cristina rolls her eyes and clicks the mouse when she finds the article she’s been looking for.

She truly doesn’t have the time, nor the nerves to talk about Meredith’s poor love life because she is busy trying to outshine others for damn Erica Hahn. Hahn, who never lets her operate, who never chooses her, who appeared in Cristina’s territory and is trying to kick her out of it.

“Good for her,” Cristina says when she realises Izzie is waiting for her to react.

“Cristina!”

She shakes her head as she copies a paragraph and pastes it into a Word document, “Izzie, I swear to God,” continuing to ignore the blonde, she rolls on the swivel chair to the printer and turns it on.

“Meredith is having an affair with a woman.”

That makes Cristina freeze. Only for a second or two but she swears she can see her whole life passing in front of her eyes when the words fall out of Izzie’s careless mouth. All she wants is to smack her so hard she would fly out of the window. With eyes set on the screen, she is trying to act as naturally as possible; the anger and anxiety kept so deep in her, she can barely feel them now. Conceal and don’t give Meredith away.

“No, she is not,” Cristina clicks into a different link, but when she tries to read anything, the words mix together before her eyes.

Wrong answer.

Izzie leans over the counter and peeks closer at Cristina, “So you do know something.”

This fucking girl, Cristina thinks.

Playing ignorant and uninterested doesn’t work anymore, so Yang puts the mouse and the keyboard away, finally meeting Izzie’s say. She leans into the chair, intertwining her hands on her stomach and tilts her head, the way she does when someone really annoys her and takes away her precious time.

“The only thing I know is that Meredith loves men. She loves dick, you know?” That sentence earns side eyes from every nurse or doctor passing by. “She could ride it all day long.”

The expression that her words paint on Izzie’s face is priceless.

“Ew, that was very ew,” However, the dedicated look in Izzie’s eyes tells her you’re not getting rid of me that easily. “But hear me out - do you remember the hen party? She panicked. She had a panic attack. A gay panic attack.”

Cristina grimaces, remembering the hen party and everything that went down the next day. Not the best of times in her life.

“Maybe she is homophobic.”

Is Yang dying from laughter on the inside? She might probably just be doing that when she realises what she’s saying. But she will rather die than not protect Meredith’s very straight reputation as long as her person needs her to.

“No!” Izzie leans over the counter further, if that’s even possible; she is halfway laying over it. “She is sleeping with Addison Montgomery.”

God knows that Cristina had this thought cross her mind since that day in Hawaii multiple times - when she found Meredith smiling into her phone or caught her once talking to the neonatal surgeon in the middle of the night on the terrace - Meredith never caught her overhearing but Cristina wasn’t asleep that night. She didn’t hear a lot - but she heard the quiet breathless Addie falling from Mer’s lips. It sounded longing; she’s never heard Grey pronounce her name like this.

Yet Montgomery doesn’t know Meredith is a lesbian, so the affair is crossed off. Mutual feelings for each other, kept in secret? That’s more probable.

Cristina fears the third option - that Meredith is falling alone, with no one to catch her at the bottom. That Montgomery might be just a close friend, someone intertwined with Meredith without any romantic shades.

“Sure,” Cristina snorts.

“Why aren’t you cooperating with me?”

“Because I am not interested in the delusional theories you try to make up so the focus in this hospital finally disappears from your pathetic love affair with 007.”

Now that strikes a nerve.

“Why are you like that?” Izzie pushes herself off the station. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“It exactly is,” Cristina doesn’t feel an ounce of guilt, knowing that she is doing what she had to do; if Stevens only stuck her nose into her own business, she wouldn’t have to embarrass her here, in the middle of the hospital. “Just go to your married boyfriend.”

“You know what? We were friends first,” Izzie almost seems hurt. “Before you let Callie move in with you, we were friends first.”

“Go annoy someone else.”

Izzie turns around and calls above her shoulder, “You’ll see I’m right!”

Cristina stays unmoved by the computer for a couple of minutes, finishing her document and when she finds all information she needs to impress Hahn. After printing it out, she instantly leaves, with the motivation to win this time.

First, she has the hospital to conquer.

Second, she has her person to warn.

Priorities, right?

---

Never, in a million years, did Mark Sloan think he would start running after a woman who doesn’t want him. He is past that, he only plays when he knows he will get the price no matter what.

The new cardio attending is ruining all of his plans and his high ego.

Especially when he recalls the gentlemen's evening which turned into Chief bringing Erica and Addie to their group in the middle of Derek’s forested land. He tried to be his handsome enchanting self but the woman rather stick to Addison, the two of them laughing together like they have secrets only they know. Derek didn’t seem to care, neither did Richard, but for Mark… That was just the shittest experience of her life.

He might be a little dramatic right now, given he lost the woman he loves and his best childhood best friend within a shot of three months.

But Erica Hahn ignoring him and not reacting to his flirting stung.

Just like right now, she is ignoring the fact he just tried to talk to her about getting drinks later, and talking to Callie, laughing like they’re best friends.

“Doctor Hahn?”

He turns back at the same time Erica does, to see Cristina with a thick file with her eyes round like coins.

“I’ve heard about the surgery you’re having in two hours and I prepared-”

“Stevens is already scrubbing in, Yang.”

Just like that, she gives her a cold shoulder and walks away, her arms twisted with Callie’s.

Why is everyone suddenly gay in this hospital? Addison is falling for Grey girl, Callie is fooling around with Hahn and he is left alone. He gets he is not a gay girl, but for God’s sake, he loves women as well! They have some kind of common interest, they should get on.

Cristina seems to be even more annoyed than him, so when he gives her a smile, she shrugs and walks away.

Ah, women.

Mark feels like he lost his ability to talk to them.

---

The clinic is surprisingly busy, especially with the group of ten interns making havoc around - Meredith watches Bailey yell at them, before giving up and exiting. Grey, however, stays in her place and tries not to stare at Lexie too long.

She expected the girl to try to talk to her, given she doesn’t have a patient right now and is standing on the side, cleaning up the bandages and all the medical supplies, despite them being just right next to each other. The circles under her eyes seem darker than usual and her eyes don’t shine with the brightness that Meredith has already noticed. Instead, she is… almost seems sad and has a terrible time covering it up. If she was a better sister, she would ask. But Meredith doesn’t want to be a better sister, hates the idea of being a sister at all.

It’s been almost a month since meeting Lexie and she should just get over it. She’s heard it from almost everyone, except for Cristina.

Cristina who is heading straight at her.

“Hey,” Meredith says, her eyes going back to the younger Grey who flinches when one of the patients begins to make a row.

“Izzie thinks you’re sleeping with Satan.”

That immediately takes her attention from the scene and she raises her voice without noticing, “What?”

Her voice gets lost in the catatonia of voices fighting through each other and the yells of the patient who tries his best to escape from the surgery he apparently has to have. Just in time, Bailey comes back and gets everything back into control, as Meredith and Cristina move a bit in the back, leaning against the counter.

“I don’t know where she got that from but I told her you’re homophobic and love getting dicked down.”

There is that thing about Cristina Yang - she will always tell you shocking things with no emotion on her face.

That’s one of the reasons she belongs in the twisted sisters, after all.

“That’s disgusting,” Meredith shakes her head and her nose scrunches to underline that.

“So? Are you?” Cristina leans towards her.

“I am what?”

Meredith gets a little lost in her thoughts, her brain trying to connect dots that she doesn’t even see. She cannot recall what was she thinking about before Cristina appeared and her eyes search the room for something out of reach.

“Sleeping with Montgomery.”

“What?” She gets pulled out of the depth of her thoughts, again, only because her heart skips a bit when she hears Addison’s last name. “I am not.”

She has noticed it some time ago; each time Addie’s name is spoken out loud, no matter if it’s a random colleague of hers, or one of the nurses dealing with paperwork and paging, her brain instantly stops whatever it’s doing and she just has that blank space in her mind, with Addison there only. Nothing and no one else. And each time brings her heartbeat in a murderous rush, like her heart is running the quickest it can to just find Addison.

It works the same, every time.

She’s heard this foreign poem once, which put it so beautifully, despite it’s been years since she’s read it it’s still stuck in her head. Not the entirety of it - but this one verse which caught her right away.

One day, perhaps some idle tongue
mentions your name by accident:
I feel as if a rose were flung
into the room, all hue and scent.

Cristina snaps her fingers in front of her face, “Yeah, I bet you are thinking about her naked booty right now.”

“I am not!”

“Tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

Except…

The scene that Bailey broke between them still haunts her every time she lays her head to sleep. She closes her eyes and there it is again: the heavy emerald gaze, that lately has been looking more blueish than the usual rich greenness. Whether it’s the brown hair bringing out other shades, Meredith thinks the many colours inside her deep gaze that seemed to eat her up just by looking match Addison. She thinks of how heavy Addison was breathing, as if the distance between them, tight and hot, made such an effect on her.

She cannot explain that moment. They’ve been affectionate with each other almost since the very beginning of their friendship and lately developed a habit of kissing each other’s foreheads and cheeks, sweet and short, but that was different. It made Meredith feel all hot down her chest and underneath her stomach, for Addison to gaze at her that way. It wasn’t short. Nor sweet. It was as if…

“There was that moment, on Halloween,” Meredith decides to confess to her person, feeling like she will burst out into flames if she keeps quiet for one more second. “I’ve never felt like this before. It was… electrifying… this pull between us. If I didn’t know she was straight and uninterested, I would think she wanted to kiss me.”

Cristina tilts her head with interest, “Have you ever thought that she might be in the closet?”

“Sure,” Meredith snorts.

The very idea seems to be absurd for her - Addison Montgomery being queer is ridiculous. She’s been with so many men… But Meredith is just the same. It’s stupid to look at Addie’s sexuality this way, unfair and hypocritical. She spent the last couple of years sleeping with men and it doesn’t make her less of a lesbian, who just had a long time accepting herself - she still does, obviously, but things are gradually changing.

Even if Addie is sapphic…

“She couldn’t be into me even if she were-”

“Shush,” Cristina catches her wrist to stop her.

“But Add-”

“Shut up.”

Cristina nods her head to the entrance to the clinic where Addison struts in.

The sight of her makes Meredith just stop and stare.

Addie is wearing her signature satin blouse, but in a colour Meredith has never seen her in before - it’s a lilac, gentle and making her skin look more colourful, alive. The three first buttons are left open, borderline with a work-appropriate outfit, a silver necklace beautifully underlining her exposed collarbone. Instead of the usual pencil skirt, she is wearing fitted in the waist but otherwise flared, black skirt that is also shorter than the usual ones Addison used to wear.

Now, when Mer looks at the long legs in black stilettos, she suddenly remembers the fact that the see-through stockings are locked to the garter belt she once saw when Addison was changing in the hotel room. Her brain circulates like a broken computer when that knowledge floods her brain.

Fucking garter belt.

“I am looking for Doctor Grey,” Addison announces, standing by the entrance.

How a woman can look so lavish only standing in place?

Meredith might be going insane when their eyes finally meet and she pushes herself off the counter to join Addison.

“The other Doctor Grey,” Addison clears that up and smiles apologetically at Mer. “Doctor Lexie Grey.”

Lexie appears from behind a curtain where she was taking care of a patient, wide-eyed, back to her Bambi look.

“T-that’s me,” She says quietly and humbly.

Addison nods at her and smiles politely, “I am taking you for a day,” Then, she turns to Cristina, one eyebrow raised, “Is that alright with you, Doctor Yang?”

“Yeah,” Cristina shrugs, feeling a stare burning into the side of her face as Meredith tries to hold back to not show how discontented she is. “Take her for as long as you want.”

“Let’s go then,” Addison turns to Lexie and when the girl walks up to her, she puts her hand on the small of her back, leading her out of the clinic.

At that, Cristina bursts out laughing when she sees Meredith’s expression. She is literally fuming and her sight goes red when she sees Addison’s hand placed where it is; but even then, when all she wants to do is to hate Lexie, she cannot. This girl is way too innocent and for Christ’s sake, Meredith cannot stand it.

“Why is she talking to the other Doctor Grey?” Meredith bursts to Cristina when everyone goes back to work and stops paying attention to them. “What? Why?”

But Cristina honestly is equally confused, “I didn’t even know they knew each other.”

“That was so out of line,” Meredith murmurs to herself. “Addison is mine. Not hers.”

Either way, Cristina hears her and laughs straight into her face, “Okay, gay girl.”

“Cristina, this is serious,” Meredith says firmly. “This girl is stealing everyone from me - she is George’s new best friend, Alex is sleeping with her and now she is charging for the next of my friends. She is stealing my life.”

“From what I just saw and witnessed, it was Satan who charged at her and took her away.”

“Shut up,” Meredith’s eyebrows furrow together. “Don’t act like you’re not on my side."

“I am, but you are acting like an idiot, a jealous idiot,” Cristina points out.

“This is not fair.”

Her gaze falls on the door through which Addie and Lexie left just a couple of moments ago. So unfair.

---

Walking quickly through the reception and towards the elevator, Addison takes her hand from Lexie’s back when she feels the muscles tensing under her touch. The last thing she wants to do is to make the girl uncomfortable, but it surprises her that a person who is so open and communicative appears to dislike human touch. Yes, she has kept an eye on Lexie for a long moment, ever since Meredith told her about the younger Grey.

“I am Doctor Montgomery,” She begins to introduce herself when they stop in front of the elevator, pressing the button.

“I know,” Lexie says right away, speaking so quickly that her words blend together. “I’ve heard and read about you. I’m not a stalker, though, but your career is so impressive. And you deliver babies! Babies! How cool is that? Oh my God, I’m sorry- I’m rambling.”

“It’s okay,” Addison laughs warmly, just as the elevator door opens. “It’s nice to hear that, actually. And delivering babies is quite… cool, I must admit.”

Lexie looks a bit overwhelmed and still apologetic about her rambling, and it puts a tiny honest smile on Addison. They walk into the elevator and Addie chooses the third floor.

When Lexie stays quiet, fiddling with the hem of her blue scrubs, Addison decides to speak up once again.

“You’re quite similar to your sister with the rambling.”

If she ever told Meredith that, it would cause an argument. But Addison feels like Lexie will appreciate that comment because it is one hundred percent sincere.

“Meredith?” Lexie looks at her, the hope in her eyes shining so bright that it captures Addison’s heart. That’s because she feels the same way about Meredith - it makes her light up, the only name of her; her name is in her thoughts most of the day, except for when she sleeps. Sometimes, though, when she sleeps, Meredith appears there, too.

This soul and energy of hers surround Addison from every side, yet she never feels claustrophobic. Quite the opposite - it sets her free. Meredith keeps setting her free with each hug, each whispered joke, with each word said and look given.

Addison has never had friends like this.

“Yes,” Her smile turns bigger.

“Oh…” Lexie takes her eyes away. “You two are friends, right? That’s what I heard.”

“Close friends, indeed,” Addie nods.

“Wow,” The elevator opens and they get off. “I envy you a bit.”

Before Addison can give an answer to that, a nurse is rushing down the corridor, “Mrs Jenson coded, we need to do to emergency C-section!”

Within a second, Addison runs, following the nurse while Lexie stays shocked in the back.

“Are you ready to deliver your first baby, Lexie?” Addison looks back, calling out.

“Yes,” Lexie says and shakes herself from the confusion and surprise, beginning to run. “Yes!”

---

Miranda Bailey is on a mission.

After a lot of thoughts about Meredith Grey's situation, she’s found herself realising no one truly ever cared for the staff from this angle. There are no rules, no punishments, either monetary or suspension for the kind of behaviour Derek presented. She’s been thinking really hard about this, how to begin the topic without outing Meredith, but in the end, she just will be vague about the circumstances and rather focus on the damage it may cost the staff.

She is one not to wait for Richard’s voice to let her in after she knocks, so she just walks inside. He is not surprised to see her entering without waiting and nods.

“Chief,” Bailey nods at him but doesn’t sit down.

“Doctor Bailey.”

He gestures for her to take a seat but she is not doing that - she needs her height to feel the power, not curl up in the chair.

“I think our hospital should become a more accepting, safe space. For everyone. For people of every sexual orientation.” She starts off point-blank, not wasting any time - she surely does not have the time to beat around the bush, not when her marriage is falling apart and her son is in the daycare, probably missing his mom.

“It is not?” Richard folds his arms, pure surprise on his face. “We treat all patients the same way.”

“Staff.”

With one word she shuts him up. He is looking at her like the thought has just crossed his mind for the first time; he isn’t being negative, he is truly startled.

Let’s put it simply, Webber does know how to feel unwanted for being himself, but somehow his mind never crossed to other community groups that might suffer intolerance. Not because he is not empathetic but because he just… his brain never has gone this way. Now, looking at his resident, he sees clearly where Bailey’s thoughts are going and his first thought is: what caused this?

“Oh. Yes, staff,” He nods slowly, taking it in.

“Yes, sir, staff,” Miranda never loses her temper and her strong energy; she has this conviction in what she says. “We need to assure everyone here is accepted no matter who they love.”

“Did something happen?”

It’s a fool’s idea that anyone could ever talk Bailey into spilling secrets and gossip. She is not here to share the drama of Seattle Grace, she is here to actually stop it. Or minimalize it to the smallest of levels.

“I am just sharing an important idea.”

“Bailey,” He leans forward, as if that would push her from the mysterious vague words into confessing her truths.

“Chief, I am reporting to you what needs to be done,” She approaches the desk and leans in, hitting her fist against the wooden surface. “Nothing more,” Her knuckles knock with every word she pronounces. “Or do you perhaps disagree with me on that matter - that everyone is equal and we need to make sure our staff feels safe and accepted here, hm?”

“No, of course not,” Webber turns softer, the hardships of his questions becoming delicate under the hard gaze of Bailey. “Everyone is equal in this hospital, always has been and will be. I’ll see what can be done about that.”

She straightens back, arms crossed on her chest when she smiles, knowing she won.

“I’m holding you to your promise, Chief,” Miranda announces officially as heads out of the office. “Better to be done quickly. For the sake of the staff, of course.”

With that she makes her exit while Webber leans back into his chair, hands flopping onto his lap. Something is happening, right under his nose and he is having a hard time where to even start his search; none of the hospital whispers brought him news of gay staff being badly treated and usually he would know within five hours of that happening.

But Bailey always has her eyes and ears open everywhere; sometimes she would share with him when he asked nicely but today is different. She was holding back like protecting her own child, he noticed her defensive posture.

He will look into it. Walk here and there, ask some nurses.

But before he can do that his phone goes off and after the phone call, he completely forgets about his spooky plans.

---

The emergency C-section ends up with the mother in distress, barely making it through while the baby is healthy and safe and sound. But when they lose the mother in the end, Addison feels the heartache emanating from Lexie. They leave the OR at the same time, but Lexie is silent as they wash their hands.

“That was very good, Doctor Grey,” Addison says, trying to lift her spirits up.

“Thank you,” Lexie says quietly.

It’s always hard for the beginning interns to witness loss and death. Hell, Addison can still remember her first patient who died while she scrubbed in and it stung, more than it was supposed to do. She knows there are surgeons out there, doctors who never feel this loss, always are able to put their private emotions apart with the professional part of them - she used to be jealous of them, to stop feeling like this.

But from experience, she knows it’s good to feel. To let it sink in, because only then, do you understand how important is the job you do; not in the god complex way, but in a way that makes you a better surgeon, better at your work.

No words can comfort Lexie now, but Addison squeezes her elbow when she exits the OR to tell the husband the bad news.

It’s never pleasant.

Lexie follows her and stands by her side when Addison says the well-too-familiar words. We did everything we could.

The husband begins to scream and stands up so suddenly from his chair, that it does catch Addison off guard as he swears on her and then, walks into her with his shoulder, running outside the hospital, straight into the rain.

She sighs and only then, she can see Lexie.

Acting like she is not, but the woman is purely terrified.

Her eyes are widened, shining with tears and her bottom lip is trembling. When Addison tries to reach out to her, she flinches and jumps away. Only then, she meets Montgomery’s eyes and it is not the sadness from losing a patient at all. She is scared, shaken to the core by fear.

“Are you alright?” Addison asks.

“Yes,” Lexie shakes her head and looks down. “Sorry.”

Just like that, she steps back and walks away quickly before Addie can even stop her and understand what’s happening.

Given she has run into the surgery in her own clothes and got covered by the special coat as she stepped to prepare, she only has to get her purse and bag before heading back home. But somehow, she cannot move, her eyes staring into Lexie who disappears around the corner.

She doesn’t even realise she has furrowed her eyebrows, deep in her thoughts, yet that is how Meredith finds her.

The blonde is already in her grey coat and with her purse thrown over her arm when she approaches her.

“Are you done fraternising with my- with Lexie?” Meredith asks as a greeting.

Addison hums again, having a hard time turning back from the empty now corridor.

“Can I sleep over at yours?” That question catches her attention and she turns to Meredith. Despite the worry and odd feeling settling in the pit of her stomach, her whole world becomes bright when she sees the right Grey, her Grey in front of her. Despite, it's raining dogs and cats, despite she lost a patient and has her partner screaming his lungs outside the building. Meredith just makes everything in her life better. “Izzie and George are planning to have sex all night from what I heard and it’s going to happen in my house, so…”

“Sure, I just need to get my things.”

Meredith catches her wrist when she starts to head to the stairs, “I got it for you,” She raises her other hand and shows the bag and the purse, along with a black coat with fur.

“So thoughtful,” Addison smiles and thanks her when Meredith helps her put the coat on.

Apparently, her face must show her troubled feelings even when Addison tries to let go of the intrusive thoughts.

“Are you okay?” Meredith asks just as they head outside.

“I’m fine,” Addie says simply.

But before they step into the autumn rain falling from the sky, she looks into the corridor one last time. Thereby hangs a tale. She will find out whatever secret Meredith’s half-sister is hiding; not because she is sticky, but because of what she does best - overthinking and worrying.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 31: you came out of the blue like that

Notes:

hiiii everybody!
i want to start with SCREAMING THAT TOHIBST JUST HIT 1000 KUDOS AND I CANNOT COMPREHEND THAT INFORMATION. THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH, IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME<3 forever thankful for each one of you reading this story and commenting and leaving a kudos:)
we're back to the gay shit and "gayover" how one of you called it haha! hope you enjoy it guyss

ps sorry to post so late but the work was crazy today

Despite they only were exposed to the rain on their way to the car and ten minutes later from the car to the hotel’s lobby, Meredith and Addison end up soaking wet, dripping onto the floor inside of the building.

Half an hour later, Addison walks out of the bathroom with hot air steaming behind her, all warm and dry in the mint green bathrobe. Meredith is already changed into her pyjamas - which means, Addie’s Yale sweatshirt and pair of silky sleeping shorts that cannot be even seen, covered by the sweatshirt. She is curled up under the sheets, pulling them to her chin and is chewing on sour jelly beans, her eyes set on the TV.

Her eyes, however, instantly move when Addison approaches the bed. The blue curious gaze turns almost loving when her eyes crinkle in the corners, smiling.

Addison wonders why she looks at her with such emotion when she is in this unpresentable state - her face is bare, not an ounce of makeup on her face, her hair is still dripping wet, making her look like a wet dog and she just… her face looks better when she isn’t so thoroughly exhausted after a long day in Seattle Grace. She especially feels it today, after the worry crept its way into her soul, seeing Lexie react to things the way she did. She won’t be asking Meredith about it, won’t be ruining the serene night they’re having, away from the drama and the gossip.

“I loved the book,” Meredith says, still chewing as she speaks.

Only then, Addison’s eyes land on the book laying in front of Meredith. She sits down and takes The Time Traveller’s Wife back into her hands.

“You did?” She flips through the pages, noticing flecks of sand deep into the pages; some of the paper is wavy from the salty water and it makes her smile. She might be very well put together on the outside, but inside she has a bad habit of folding the pages and drawing on them with pencils or pens.

“Yes, truly,” Meredith pulls herself up, sitting straighter. “It was heartbreaking, though.”

“I like this kind of story,” Addison stands up to clean up the room a bit as she continues her speech. “Complicated, not obvious, not easy. There’s something magical about two people, two souls not falling into each other’s arms instantly, having obstacles on their way, breaking them apart.”

“But isn’t the instant and obvious easier? It hurts less.”

“No,” Addison smiles softly at Mer’s open expression, completely relaxed and enjoying their conversation. “The beauty of it all is not giving up on each other, even if one doubts if those two hearts will ever collide.”

“I’ve never painted you as a hopeless romantic.”

“Because I don’t like for people to see that part of me. It’s vulnerable and I’ve been through enough after showing my heart on my sleeve.”

Addison turns off the big lights and at the same time, Meredith reaches out to turn on the small lamp by the bed. She pulls the sheets away, so that when Addison collapses on the mattress, she doesn’t have to tangle in them. Waiting until the redhead is comfortable on her side of the bed, Meredith watches her carefully, a smile growing on her lips.

There is something so maddeningly intimate observing how Addison puts her reading glasses on and settles in the bed, putting the big pillow behind her back as she rests against the headboard, some documents and charts in her lap.

“But you’re showing it to me,” Meredith says, completely rolling over to her side just so she can stare at working Addie.

“What?” She raises an eyebrow and that look in those sexy librarian glasses makes Meredith bite her bottom lip, reminiscing the famous Halloween moment between them.

“Your heart, you’re showing it on your sleeve to me.”

“Well, yes.”

How domestic it feels, the two of them in one bed, talking like it’s a routine.

“Why?”

“I trust you.”

“Even with your heart?”

Addison takes her away from whatever she was writing in the charts, her glasses sliding to the tip of her nose as she looks at Meredith like she is even stupid to be asking such questions, “Especially with my heart.”

They just stare at each other, no more words spilling between them. Meredith doesn’t succumb, keeps the eye-contact despite it burns her all over her body. She thought the tension disappeared, but it’s stronger than ever; she wants it so badly, she feels like a fool. Not what comes afterwards, what comes as the consequences of dumb actions she is not ready to put into motion.

She wants her nights to be this every day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday then repeat. Every evening in this bed, every evening with the News playing on the big TV and Addison working overtime while she should rest, especially now with the life growing inside her body.

She craves to just soak up this warm aura Addison emanates; to roll herself in her scent and to drown in those gleaming clever eyes of hers. She wants herself to dissolve into one with Addison, to forget she has her own body, to disappear where it’s only the two of them.

She is losing her mind.

“Anyways,” Addison breaks her from the depth of her craziness; perhaps if she didn’t, Meredith would come to the conclusion that is now out of reach. She will have to wait a month more until she realises what her feelings truly are. Not now. “I have a next read for you.”

“Really?” Meredith hums, acting unfazed.

She truly might be psychotic, she thinks when Addison reaches into the shelf on her nightstand. Why the fuck did she want to dissolve and roll herself in another woman’s scent.

“Yes,” Addison pulls out a thick book and taps her fingers, holding it. “One Day.”

“About?”

“Complicated love stories and people missing each other for decades.”

Meredith takes the book in her hands, “Here we go again.”

“Here we go again, indeed.”

She might as well start reading it now.

---

Even if today’s shift was way too long, Meredith is far from feeling sleepy and from the looks, she steals at Addison while the woman works, neither is Montgomery. She keeps relentlessly scribbling on the papers, her eyebrows furrowed together in pious focus.

The book appears to be written in a similar style that the previous one and she feels like there will be that pain as the story between the two main characters will be burning truly slow. She eats up every word and cannot even tell when did she get almost to the hundredth page.

“Can I borrow your pencil?” She asks, marking a quote with her finger so it doesn’t escape her eyes.

“What for?”

“I just need it.”

“Are you marking my books, Meredith Grey?”

“I might be.”

“Did I allow you to?”

“C’mon, Addie, we don’t have the whole night to fool around.”

Addison chuckles and gives up, handing her the pencil and watching her underline a short sentence, trying to stop her hand from shaking so it makes a straight line.

“Read it out loud, at least,” Addison asks when she gets the pencil back, her eyes still stuck on the slightly yellowish pages of her copy.

“Everything was fine, and she had the rare, new sensation of being exactly where she wanted to be,” Meredith reads out loud slowly, then raises her head to grin widely. She doesn’t know where this happiness is coming from since usually, her soul is carrying heavy loads of memories and traumas - she hasn’t been really honest with Addison about how bad it has gotten since Susan’s death, but tonight there is no lie in her smile. Not right now. Not when there is peace here.

It makes Addison smile as well, with no questioning.

“I’m flying for the first ultrasound on Wednesday,” She says after a moment, knowing her mind is too busy now to come back to work.

“You mean, we’re flying,” Meredith fixes instantly.

“I actually planned on asking you that, so I might as well do it now.”

“I’ve already missed one important day, I’m not missing another,” Meredith brushes her blonde hair back, trying not to show that somehow the sleepiness attacked her right now. “I told you you’re not doing this alone.”

“And you keep your promises,” Addison sighs and puts the charts on the floor next to the bed, settling her pillows back on the mattress and moving to lie down.

“Always.”

“Don’t you have work with your amazing interns, though?” She chuckles and gets a kick in her shin at the very reminder of Meredith’s dumb students.

“I’ll ask Alex to cover for me and I’ll give him a good deal in exchange,” Meredith says. “He is the one to not ask many questions.”

“Alright then,” Addison nods and stretches her limbs out, sighing when her bones crack. “But we’re going in a faster way. No booking tickets this time.”

It makes Meredith frown, “What do you mean?”

“It’s time we make use of my private jet.”

She says that like it’s a common occurrence to own private jets; Meredith has a lot of money but she sometimes forgets that Addison is a whole ass multi-millionaire. The redhead- well, the brunette now has many skeletons hidden in her wardrobe and Meredith at this moment makes herself a silent promise to dig until she finds out more about her past. Not Derek, not the marriage, but the further before. And since they will be flying a private jet, apparently, she will have an hour or so to find out everything she wants to know.

It’s only fair when they go both ways - Addison knows too much about Meredith, now it’s time to turn the tables.

“Private jet?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous,” Meredith laughs loudly.

“You won’t be complaining about an early flight like you did the last time,” Addison rolls her eyes at the laughter and puts her glasses away, forgetting about them earlier.

“No, I probably won’t,” Meredith agrees and nods. “Roll around, we’re going to sleep.”

The bossiness makes Addison chuckle but she does roll around, facing the outside of the bed and almost purrs when Meredith slides behind her and embraces her in the middle. It was one of her drunk confessions, either on their first time in Los Angeles or through the phone, that she likes being the small spoon better. She enjoys embracing Meredith - she still remembered the first time, on the hospital bed with the woman shaking beneath her like she just got pulled from the cold water a second earlier - but to feel someone hold her put such ease in her heart.

Meredith fits so perfectly behind her - their legs are pressed together, knees behind knees, even though Mer’s legs are shorter. She feels the soft curve of Meredith’s breasts and the flat of her stomach against her back. Her thick hair makes Meredith sneeze and Grey pulls her hair up on the pillow to not tickle her nose.

She wonders if it’s the right time to ask but the proposition she got today from Callie circles her mind and she feels like bursting without discussing it with Meredith. Since when she became so co-dependent on someone?

“Are you asleep?” Addison whispers in the darkness, feeling the slow heartbeat against her back.

“No,” Meredith whispers back, her breath warm on Addison’s nape.

“Callie told me I could move in with her once Cristina finds a new apartment.”

“Oh,” Meredith sounds a bit surprised. “That sounds nice.”

“What do you think about it?”

There is tenderness in their whispers.

“Would that make you happy?” Meredith asks.

“Yes, I think so,” Addie confesses. “Hiding the pregnancy would be harder but Callie is one of the closest people to me, like family. So. Yes.”

“Then I think it’s a lovely idea.”

“Alright,” Addison finishes the last conversation of the night.

There is a smile on her lips as she falls asleep. If someone would tell her half a year ago that she would be finished with Derek, the same as Meredith and that the person to hug her through the night would be the same Meredith Grey, she would shake her head in disbelief. And if someone added the fact that she would have a little human being beginning to grow inside her stomach and built herself a strong circle of a family she chose despite the bloodlines and differences, that just would make her think the person telling her that was crazy.

All of it came out of the blue. Probably that is what made it so incredible, the surprise of it all; she has never seen it coming.

---

Meredith awakens first, quickly pulling herself to the phone on the nightstand to turn off the alarm before it wakes Addison up. She yawns and stretches out lazily, looking outside the window to see the sky finally stopped crying and instead, the intrusive November sun rays of the sun right above the horizon creeping through the curtains.

Through the night, she must have pulled away from Addison, now laying on the edge of the bed while Addison is sprawling in the middle of the mattress, hands stretched out above her head and both of her legs thrown on top of the bedsheets. Her chest rises and falls slowly, her face presenting pure peace, every sign of tension or stress wiped out by the calm sleep.

Her bathrobe untied and left her exposed in the silky powder pink pyjamas, the top on the thin stripes which got pulled upwards, exposing her flat stomach. Meredith’s eyes gravitate to that and as she sits, trying to wake her mind up, she stares.

It’s been only six weeks of pregnancy and there is no sign of it, yet she is growing attached. All of her wants to protect Addison and her baby, wants to be there for her and make sure she is safe and sound.

Gently, she presses the palm of her hand on the stomach. Waiting to see if the movement doesn’t stir Addie awake, her fingers feel the warm skin beneath and she takes in the soft moment. She cannot wait to see her baby grow, to see Addison’s stomach grow bigger, to make her biggest dream of being a mother come true.

She takes her hand away and before she leaves, she brushes back the curled brown bangs off Addison's face. Her heart stops for a moment when Montgomery shifts, humming through the sleep.

The biggest of smiles grows on Mer’s face when Addison smiles lazily through sleep.

She doesn’t ever wanna leave; watching Addie sleep with no care on her mind brings Meredith the peace of mind she’s been struggling to keep.

But she slides from the mattress, quietly placing her feet on the ground. Quickly putting on her jeans, she throws her coat over the Yale sweatshirt, picks up her bag and slides into her flat boots. Stealing one last glance at sleeping Addison, she sneaks out of the room, closing the door silently.

Back in her house, she takes a quick shower and then braves herself bothering Alex so early in the morning.

However, it comes as a surprise that he opens the door of his bedroom after barely 10 seconds, already dressed up in jeans and a loose dark T-shirt, hair still wet from the shower.

“Hi,” She says and smiles kindly to just play him over. “I come with a request.”

“Hit me,” Alex says and leans against the doorway, arms folded on his chest.

“Can you cover for me tomorrow? Please,” She bats her eyelashes, making him chuckle and by that, she laughs, too. “I can cover for you through the whole weekend in exchange.”

“What for?”

She sighs and runs her hand through her hair, “It’s… important.”

“Okay, deal.”

When he shrugs and nods, first she thinks she’s made it and had it much easier than she would with Cristina or Izzie. Second, she stops to think for a moment longer and feels it is too easy.

“Great! Thank you,” She grins instead, not showing her doubts. “I could kiss you right now!”

“No, thanks,” Alex chuckles. “I’ll pass.”

She turns around to leave to her bedroom to take her things and then go eat something in the kitchen, but before she can step inside the room, Alex’s next words make her freeze.

“Does it have anything to do with your pregnant ass?”

Glued to the floor, she just stop moving, stop breathing. For a while, Meredith doesn’t even turn around to look at him. Instead, through her head are running thousands of thoughts at one moment and she is somewhere between heavily confused and simply fearful.

“My…” She finally turns back to look at Alex who stands in the same exact stop and position. “What?”

“Your pregnancy test fell out of your bag last night in the hospital,” He disappears into his bedroom and soon comes out with Addison’s positive pregnancy test that Meredith took as a remembrance. “I picked it up before anyone else noticed.”

“Are you sure no one else saw it?”

Perhaps she just fucked herself over admitting to the pregnancy so quickly, but what else is she supposed to do? Sell Addison out?

“Yeah,” He hands her the stick. “So what’s up with that?”

“I don’t…” Meredith stares at the two pink lines that just a couple of weeks ago made her so happy. She completely forgot about the test in her purse and just carried it around with her through all this time; you don’t have to tell her she is an imbecile for doing this, she already knows. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“What you gonna do?”

He doesn’t seem like he is trying to be mean or prying, despite that might be truly the case; there is pure curiosity in his questions. Meredith doesn’t always know how to read him, but ever since the night he watched over her, he became a bit more polite around her. Maybe he just actually cares about her situation - her fake situation.

“Why do you want to know?” Meredith asks, trying to keep as calm as a person who suddenly has to fake secret pregnancy can be.

“I live with you,” Alex says. “I would like to know if in nine months there will be a baby screaming its lungs out every freaking night.”

“I can’t tell you, Alex,” She hugs herself around her middle. “I don’t know yet. What to do.”

“Are you getting rid of it?”

“Alex!”

“What?”

How can be unfazed like that?

“Please, just leave it be,” Meredith finishes their conversation. “If there will be a baby on the way, I will warn you.”

When she closes the door of her bedroom, she falls against the wooden surface, cursing herself. She truly didn’t have enough problems before; apparently, now she is pregnant. Exactly what she needs to tag along with the rest of her issues.

Notes:

i'm eternally grateful for every feedback<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
listen to my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=eaDXKgtXRtioWeClWXTW3g

Chapter 32: the sweetest devotion hitting me like an explosion

Notes:

hi guyss!! thank you for all sweet words and kudos under the last chapter<3 they mean the world to me:)

i have an announcement to make, tho
given that i'm starting my travels around the east coast next weekend and when i come back home i have a couple of every important big exams to write, im putting TOHIBST on a brief hiatus. i will come back with a new chapter on 2nd of october and from that point on i will return to posting regularly every monday. hope you wont miss me too much:)
you wont even know once the time passes and i'll come back to you!

TRIGGER WARNING for today's chapter - mentions of eating disorder
stay safe<3

The private jet, Meredith must admit, is much better than a public flight. Even if Addison always bought them first-class tickets previously.

It’s a perfect opportunity to get to know Addie better - or rather make a whole damn interrogation until she is satisfied. Settled on a beige faux leather armchair, she shakes off her shoes and curls her feet under her bum, getting comfortable while Addison discusses something with the pilot before coming back to Meredith.

She takes a seat across from her, in the identical armchair and crosses her legs in the pencil skirt that hugs her curves perfectly.

Throughout the whole ride to the airport in the cab, Meredith kept rethinking if she should tell Addison that she and Alex have a new secret, which is far from the truth. But worrying Montgomery is not on Mer’s list, so she decided to let it go for now - if it escalated, Meredith would inform her but for now… she decides to stay silent.

“Do you like it here?” Addison asks as they begin to ascend. “Do you want something to drink or to eat? Are you okay?”

“Yes, Addie, I’m just fine,” Meredith smiles calmingly. “If I want something, I’ll tell you.”

“Alright, I’m gonna make myself a tea,” She stands up when they’re finally in the sky. “I still can’t get used to not drinking coffee. I’m kinda dying here.”

Meredith loses herself in her head, thinking about how to begin the conversation without being too straightforward. They are far enough in their friendship to throw random questions at each other at this point. At least that’s how Mer sees it.

“You know basically everything about my family,” She says casually, trying to act like she hasn’t been preparing the question in her head for the longest of times. “But I know nothing about yours.”

Addison sips on her hot drink and nods, “I tend not to talk about them.”

“I noticed.”

“What do you want to know?”

Meredith chuckles, “There’s a lot. Do you have siblings? Who are your parents? Where were you raised? Your childhood, did it leave a mark? I have many questions.”

“Let me think where to begin,” Addison hums, squinting her eyes, deep in her thoughts. “Well… Should I be gentle or honest?”

“Honest, obviously,” Meredith says, not missing a beat.

“Let's start with my mother- The thing about her is she refused to be called ‘mom’, so we called her Bizzy, I haven’t seen her in a couple of years, honestly,” Addison’s voice gets a bit darker when she starts her tale. “She is… an eccentric person. I always felt like she has her secrets but I was too busy covering up my father’s affairs. Sometimes I feel like I got a cheater gene from him; I used to cover for him since I was a kid. There was his secretary when I was 10, and sometimes I sat in front of his office while he was locked inside with her. There were maids and my nannies, four of them if I recall right. Oh, my French tutor as well.” She doesn’t notice how Meredith’s eyes grow in size second by second, too focused on counting out the women on her fingers. “I think the chef, too? I’m not sure though. At that point, I kinda saw everyone as his mistresses, and I never caught him with the chef, so that one I am not sure. We call my father the Captain, by the way.”

She laughs, finally noticing the expression on Meredith’s face, “Do you really want me to continue?”

“Yes.”

Meredith is much more shocked than she expected to be, so there are few words on her tongue to be said.

“Since we are over the most traumatic part, the Captain is a doctor and a lecturer, as well and I haven’t seen him in a long time, and I’m not really keen to meet up with him.”

“It sometimes surprises me,” Meredith says quietly. “How everyone says that parents are who we become later, yet I look at you and I see nothing reminding me of what you just said.”

“I look at you in the same manner, Meredith Grey.”

Meredith shrugs, feeling her cheeks get warmer. In a quick motion, she decides to change the topic, “And the siblings?”

“I have one brother, Archer,” Addison notices the uncomfortable shift in Mer’s seat and how her eyes become a bit panicked. “It has been… it varies between us but I will always look at him as my big brother who carried me home when I needed it. It’s a nice story to tell, actually. I was seven and I was riding my bike in the vineyard when I suddenly rode into some stone and flipped over the handlebars. I was crying, with scrapped face and knees when Archer found me. He picked me up and carried me all the way home. So, no matter if we argue or drift apart, which happened a lot since we grew older, he is still my big brother.”

“He sounds like a good brother,” Meredith smiles when she sees how sentimental Addie became, her eyes glistening at the memories. “What does he do?”

“He is a neurologist and he writes books, as well.”

Despite Addison might appear carefree on the outside, Meredith notices the gentle tremble of her fingertips and how her eyes get just a bit wet in the corners as she talks about her family. So, she decides to let it go - she knows enough now. She understands Addie better by that, as well; she sees where some of her behaviour might come from and it makes her feel less alone, to not be the only one with a broken home.

Even with that knowledge, she smiles under her breath, that they found each other and became best friends.

The rest of their flight they spend talking about irrelevant and insignificant matters, moving further away from the heavy topics.

Landing in Los Angeles, the familiar red car is already waiting for them and this time, it’s Meredith who sits behind the wheel after a small argument about it. She likes the way the wind brushes through her hair, even if it’s not as warm as it was before autumn blossomed in its entirety.

She remembers the way to the practice, surprisingly, but lets Addison instruct her with every turn of the street.

“I had one doctor, actually, I wanted to choose for my OB if I had gotten pregnant,” Addison says out of nowhere as they are five minutes away from the Oceanside Wellness Group.

“Then why didn’t you choose them?”

“It’s Derek’s sister.”

Meredith holds back a surprised chuckle, “Ah.”

“Exactly.”

Their laughter mixes together. But Addison sounds more nervous the closer they get to their destination. Meredith puts her hand on her thigh, moving her thumb to calm her down before they get out of the car.

Taking the familiar route to the elevator, they arrive at the reception and Addison heads straight to the counter.

“Hello, I have an appointment booked at 1 p.m.-”

“Addie!”

She turns away from the surfer boy who is clearly devouring her with his eyes, but she ignores him the moment she sees Sam walking towards her, opening his arms.

“Sam,” She puts a wide smile on her face and hugs him tightly, perhaps a bit too tightly but her nerves make her kinda out of touch. “Hi. Good to see you.”

“Here again?” He raises an eyebrow.

“I have… a thing.”

Sam squints his eyes curiously, giving Addison sureness that Naomi kept her mouth shut at least for this one of her secrets; she doubted her before but she has to give her that.

“Sorry it’s between me and your ex-wife,” She shrugs and smiles annoyingly. “Do you know where she is?”

“She mentioned you two having some dirty secrets,” He shakes his head and then points towards one of the closed doors. “She is waiting for you in her office,” As Addison passes him by, she elbows him, making him laugh; only then he notices Meredith following Addie. “Hi, Meredith.”

“Hi, nice to see you again,” Meredith nods at him with a tight smile before joining Addison who is already standing at the door.

After all the greetings, Naomi shows them two a way through the practice down to the examination room they’ve prepared specially for Addison. They could have gone to the hospital but Addison was hesitant about it, so Naomi found an OB willing to pay a visit to Oceanside Wellness Group, one that she trusted and could assure Addison all of the best care.

For half of her life, Addison believed that Nancy would be her doctor if she ever got pregnant, but the tables have turned and despite Derek’s sister clearly doesn’t hold any grudges against her, it wouldn’t feel right.

This way, she finds herself shaking hands with Doctor Danvers, a woman a bit younger probably, maybe Meredith’s age. Her hands shake so badly when she goes to the bathroom connected to the room and she changes into a gown, slipping it over her body; it’s hard to truly understand what’s about to happen.

She thought her whole life she wasn’t ready for a baby, wasn’t ready for this to become official. Yes, she took the pregnancy tests, but it’s far from the same thing when a different professional will tell her she truly is pregnant. Now, it feels like she’s been waiting and putting off forever something that she was meant to be from the beginning. Perhaps she doesn’t have a perfect man by her side, but she has someone much better than that.

And she has herself.

She forgot about that while searching for a partner to be willing to dive into parenthood. Too many women forget they are enough by themselves, not needing someone’s love to do what they want and crave.

Back into the room, she sits on the edge of the bed and instantly searches with her eyes for Mer, who smiles brightly.

“Do you want Meredith to stay?” Doctor Danvers asks because apparently, they’ve already befriended each other with Grey while she was changing.

“I do,” Addison says as she lies down. “She is here for all of it.”

They laugh together and Meredith moves to her side, so Addison feels comfortable opening up her legs.

It’s not the most relaxing procedure, but it doesn’t hurt and Addison’s eyes are set on the little computer screen, looking for confirmation of what she’s been celebrating for weeks now. The silence is hanging over their heads, four women staring at one point. Addison feels dizzy, her head spinning, scared and excited over the moon at the same time.

Finally, Doctor Danvers nods, moving the transducer gently, she nods and points with her finger at a tiny black spot on the screen, “Here is the sac. Congratulations, you are pregnant.”

“Oh my God,” Addison lets out a heavy breath for the first time; she hasn’t even realised she stopped breathing until this point. She takes her away from the screen for the shortest of seconds to look at Meredith, feeling tears in the corner of her eyes. She grabs Mer’s hand, a reaction from her body she hasn’t even thought through.

Meredith’s hand is warm for the first time, Addison realises as the blonde stares down at her, grinning with all teeth out.

After one more minute of inspection, the doctor finally says, “Everything looks perfectly normal. You’re eight weeks and three days. Here is…”

The sound that comes out of the device heals every pain of Addison’s soul.

A heartbeat.

“... the heartbeat.”

Meredith tries not to moan from how hard Addison squeezes her hand, literally crushing her fingers.

By this point, there are tears streaming down Addie’s face when she turns to glance at Meredith again. She is smiling with the brightest smile Mer has ever seen on her face and she is clearly keeping herself from sobbing, “Their heart is beating.”

“It is, Addie,” Meredith moves her thumb soothingly over her palm. Under the waves of emotions, Mer brings her hand to her lips and presses sweet kisses, making Addison shake her hand, disbelief in her happiness.

“I’m going to print the scans,” Doctor Danvers says and then looks at them. “Do you want two sets? Parents sometimes want to have two copies.”

Naomi bursts out laughing, standing on the other side of the computer when she sees the face Addison makes.

“We’re not-”

But Meredith drowns out Addison’s voice with her answer, “Yeah, please, two copies would be lovely.”

She joins Naomi in laughing, but Addison is way too swept under the waves of pure joy to even comment on that. It’s the sweetest of moments in her whole, almost 40 years long, life; the heartbeat rings in her ears and all she wants to do is listen to it on repeat; she feels like she could do anything right now, break every wall, run every marathon, walk on the water. She feels like she could do the impossible. All she wants to do is scream her lungs out on the top of the tallest building in this city.

She is walking on air when the ultrasound visit officially ends and she goes to change back into her clothes. After saying goodbyes, Doctor Danvers leaves and Naomi leads them back to the reception.

“I need to discuss some matters with Naomi, are you alright waiting for me?” She asks when Naomi already heads off to her office.

Meredith smiles and catches her wrist gently, “Of course. Go. Don’t worry.”

Watching Addison turn around and sway her hips that way is quite a nice view but Meredith doesn’t realise someone is watching her until she hears a chuckle from a familiar male voice next to her. She turns her head quickly to see Pete watching the same sight she did just a moment before and something burns inside of her - she cannot tell if it’s shame of being caught or anger for someone staring at Addison Montgomery.

“Meredith,” Pete grins, and she hates men but he has something about him that makes it clear he is handsome. “Hey.”

“Hi,” She says and turns around when the office door closes, deciding to sit on one of the couches.

Unfortunately, he follows.

“I thought you would be angrier seeing me,” He sits right across her on an armchair.

She looks at him confused, picking up one of the fashion magazines laying on the table beside, “Why would I be angry?”

His eyes shine with understanding.

Meredith doesn’t like where this is going, that look on his face makes it unbearable to even stand being in the same room with him.

“Oh, Addison didn’t tell you,” Pete says.

Her fingertips turn white as she grabs open the magazine, her eyes stuck on the text but not reading a single word.

“Tell me about what.”

“About the kiss,” He says it so simply, like it doesn’t turn her world around. Like her heart doesn’t shatter inside her ribcage, like her eyes don’t blink away the sensation of salty tears. She stares at the article but understands nothing.

“The… kiss,” She repeats, her voice not showing an ounce of emotion.

Pete is saying something, but all of it becomes blurry, like white noise in the background. She looks at the models on the page, but their faces mix and the words don’t make sense. She is burning, thinking that all of it must end in flames, eventually.

---

While Meredith is having one of the biggest crises of her life, Addison is exchanging all of the gossips with her best friend. If she only knew what was happening a door away, she would probably storm into the reception and slap the hell out of Pete.

“Do you like being pregnant so far?” Naomi asks, sitting on her swivel chair with legs crossed, tilting her head.

“Yeah,” Addison says, her smile so vibrant and wide that her cheeks begin to hurt. “Everything is normal for now, no morning sickness, no weird situations yet. Almost everything…”

“Almost?”

Naomi raises an eyebrow, waiting for a broader explanation but Addison lingers in her answer. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes falling on the surface of the desk between them; she wrings her hands in her lap, not knowing how to form her problem into comprehending words.

“Oh, c’mon, Addie,” Naomi leans forward and rests her elbows on the desk. “What’s wrong?”

Addison bursts out within one second.

“I’m horny all the damn time, Naomi,” She raises her voice, not realising. “All the time. Morning, noon, night. I can’t sleep, I can’t work because all I can think about is sex.”

“Tell Meredith.”

She says that so easily, like it’s obvious.

But Addison doesn’t understand, “Why would I tell that Meredith?”

“So she can lend you a hand.”

“Naomi!”

That ends their conversation because Addison becomes so flustered she isn’t even able to look Bennett in the eyes. Instead, she says they should get going back home but Naomi stops her and invites her to her house to just hang out for a couple of hours, given Addie and Meredith took the whole day off.

“I promise I won’t be telling Meredith you’re horny,” She laughs like she’s having the best of fun while Addison glares at her, arms crossed on her chest.

They come out of the office a while later, Naomi still laughing at Addison, while the latter tries to ignore her. Too caught up in her feelings and shyness, she doesn’t realise something is wrong right away; but then she sees Meredith staring daggers at Pete sitting in front of her, looking like she is ready to murder him.

But even when her eyes find Addison, they don’t become lighter and shinier, the way they were during the ultrasound.

Pete leans to Meredith, “She pushed me away,” He murmurs. “She doesn’t want me, Meredith. It’s clear who she wants.”

But Addison can’t hear his whispers and can only wonder why Meredith suddenly looks like the whole weight of the world fell off her shoulders. All the anger and resentment disappear like magic as she watches Pete get up. He only nods at Naomi and Addison, with no more words; honestly, Addison prefers it that way but she can’t put her finger on what just happened between him and Meredith.

Even when she asks on their way to the car, Meredith shrugs and tells her they had a small talk and nothing more.

It’s clear Addison won’t find out what it was about. Deciding not to dig and ruin the light-hearted mood in the Porsche, she follows Naomi’s car through the neighbourhood until they arrive at her Malibu beach house.

Naomi prepares them some lunch, keeping the conversation about the baby and what’s next.

Still, Meredith looks thoughtful and speaks little until she finally excuses herself to the bathroom. Addison stares as she passes the downstairs bathroom and heads upstairs, but when she turns back to Naomi, she shrugs, not really understanding.

Meredith feels tired out of a sudden.

She is happy for Addison and hates being the one to ruin it. Locking the door, she sits on the closed toilet, thinking about why did she react the way she did. Perhaps Pete could be the one to care for Addison, but she hates the idea of Montgomery with anyone. Whether it would be a man or a woman, or whoever else.

They are good the way they are, just the two of them as friends, not needing anyone else.

Despite the troubles she comes through, she enjoys her life as much as she can, only because she shares it with Addison - all the shared nights and mornings, watching Addison sleep with ease and taking care of her, making sure she eats her vitamins and doesn’t exhaust herself. That’s what makes Meredith content with her life, to have somebody to care for, while they care for her.

Of course, she is thankful for her friends as well. Cristina is able to bring her spirit up no matter what’s the day, and Alex is slowly becoming someone she would learn to trust. George and Izzie might have distanced themselves a bit from her, since George moved out and the whole drama with Callie and cheating happened, but they are still there for her.

She has Richard and can lean on Bailey. Even Mark is someone she sees as a valuable person, seeing how he supports her and Addison.

There is so much good in her life.

Why she lets one thought trouble her peace of mind?

She decides to just throw Pete out of her mind and with a new, calmer outlook on life, she splashes some water on her face and steps outside into the corridor.

But just as her quiet footsteps land on the first step, the question of Naomi’s echoing voice stops her in her tracks.

“Are you eating?”

“I am,” Addison says, her voice turning in that cold anxious way.

“Addison.”

Meredith should make some noise now. Should step back and energetically shut the door to make them know she is heading downstairs, stepping her feet like a child with every step she takes. There are many things she should. Instead, she slowly sits down, quieting her breathing, too curious, yet there is fear beneath the listening. She is afraid of what she will hear, but that’s the thing about human beings - they always want what they shouldn’t know and what will leave a mark on them.

It’s like a gravitational pull towards the things we will regret. Everyone feels it, even when they swear they don’t. It’s all just lies; in the end, everybody heads in the wrong direction.

“No, I mean it,” Addison’s voice softens as she gives up. “I am eating enough, I have been back on track for a couple of months. But since I found out I’m pregnant, I am trying my best, 5 meals a day, regularly and all that.”

“Are you counting calories?”

The question triggers Addison and she takes a heavy inhale, “Naomi.”

“Addison, I can send you any moment now off to Violet,” Meredith feels herself growing paler the longer she listens to the conversation. “Or call your boss.”

“Richard knows.”

Oh.

“He knows. I am counting but even so, I don’t starve myself. I don’t make myself throw up, but I am afraid of when the morning sickness comes…”

“You worry you will spiral down from there.”

“Yes,” She admits without a fight.

“You know there is a fine line,” Naomi’s tone never loses its strength, even when Addison visibly turns softer and softer under the power of questioning. “How bad it was before?”

“Pretty bad,” Addison sighs; Meredith can imagine the way she runs her fingers through her brown curls and looks to the side, a habit she does when she is moved by something and tries to wash away the emotions, Mer has learned all of it by watching Addison closely for months. “Until Meredith came around.”

Meredith’s lips part in surprise and she shifts on the stairs, caught off guard.

To think that she helped someone… without even knowing it. Perhaps she is worth something if she managed to help Addie out. Maybe she is not the monster she sometimes views herself as, hurting all people around her and letting them down.

“If anything gets worse, you need me to call me instantly, okay? The moment a red flag appears in your mind, you call me,” Naomi pushes. “Understood?”

“Understood.”

“I’m not doing this to annoy you or make you angry.”

“Naomi, I know.”

Just when Meredith believes the talk is over and she silently gets up, heading back to the bathroom to slam the door for the dramatics, she hears Naomi speak up.

“I’m sorry it came back. I really hoped after medical school you would be okay and would never relapse.”

Medical school? Addison has been struggling with this since medical school?

“It is what it is,” Addison says. “I’m better now. I got my girl with me.”

“Does Meredith know?”

“She doesn’t, if she did she wouldn’t let me live,” Addison chuckles, “She is caring like that, but even if she doesn’t know, she saves me every day.”

Turns out Meredith goes back to the bathroom not to slam the door but also to wash her face and wipe the treacherous tears which escaped her eyes. She found much more about Addison’s life than she believed she would today. When she comes downstairs, there is a small smile on her face and as she takes a seat next to Addison, she squeezes her hand with no words.

Guilt about eavesdropping hangs heavily in her chest. At least now, she can look out for Addison and notice if something begins to deteriorate.

It’s not the worst of reasonings, Meredith tells herself.

Notes:

hope you enjoyed the last chapter of this summer<3 every feedback will be highly appreciated, see you all in october:)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer (im living in denial that twitter doesnt exist anymore)
find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=BWfbxWJpQKmYEnl-gxCkOQ

Chapter 33: i hope you're somewhere praying

Notes:

aaaaaaand WE’RE BACK!

welcome everyone! i’ve missed you all and posting this silly goofy fanfic and i am so happy to be back:)
i’ve passed all my exams and my trip around states was a total win and i’ve had time of my life, sooooo now it’s time to return to writing.

thank you for all of your sweet comments and i’m truly ecstatic to find a couple more new readers joining us on this ride<3

about the chapter… just don’t murder me for the shit that goes down. we all need a bit of angsty drama and trauma in our lives and i am here to deliver it🫢

TW// suicide attempt

The real storm comes a couple of days after Meredith and Addison come back from Los Angeles.

Instead of a regular Friday morning routine, Richard calls all of the staff who are able to come into the assembly hall. Crowds flood the two entrances on both sides of the rows of seats, while the Chief is already standing on the scene with a microphone in his hand, prepared to begin the moment it only gets quiet.

“What’s happening?” Alex asks as he pushes through the people and reaches Meredith, Cristina and George who are already sitting somewhere in the middle. He is holding three doughnuts in his hands while Cristina has popcorn in her lap. “Did he start?”

“No.”

“Do you guys know what this is about?” Meredith leans to Cristina and steals some popcorn, stuffing her face. “We haven’t had one of those since…”

“...Since Izzie killed her patient boyfriend,” Cristina finishes as she speaks with no emotion and shrugs when the three of them look at her, wide-eyed. “What?”

“Do you think someone died?” George asks.

Just when Alex is about to speak up and tell him to go join the rest of the interns, the Chief clears his throat.

The whispers and the conversations full of gossip fall silent at once and Meredith takes the popcorn away from Cristina, so she stops crunching. Just when her eyes settle on the scene, she notices Addison turning back a couple of rows lower. Their eyes find each other immediately and Mer waves at her discreetly.

“Do you know what’s going on?” She mouths.

Addison shakes her head and turns back around to speaking Richard.

“Good morning to everyone,” He starts off and takes in his enormous audience; clearly uncomfortable, his eyes search for someone at the bottom of the stairs, on the first row. “Thank you for coming for this… announcement.”

“I’ve realised our hospital is not as safe as most believe. I am concerned about certain behaviours that might be happening in the walls of this building and my first and foremost priority, except putting the patient’s health first, is to care about the mental, as well as physical well-being of every person of Seattle Grace’s staff.”

Richard clears his throat again and he searches for guidance, how Meredith notices when she leans in to take a quick glance, from Miranda Bailey. She is nodding at him, with arms crossed on her chest.

Meredith has a bad feeling about where’s this going.

“The status of the hospital has been officially changed. We need to remember that all of us, as a community, are the same, no matter the gender, skin colour and sexual orientation-”

Meredith turns as white as a ghost and grabs Cristina’s hand, feeling panic cascade through her mind.

“From now on, every homophobic behaviour, whether it’s an assault or just an unpleasant comment, will be disciplined. First, it will be a monetary punishment and if the case of something bigger, it can be even suspension from the work for an indefinite period of time. Please, I want everyone to…” The Chief glances at Bailey one last time. “To remember to be kind to your fellow colleagues and patients. Thank you for your attention.”

The moment he finishes his speech, which was filled with awkward pauses and confusion as he spoke every word, the whole hall boils with voices.

People begin to get up and leave, but Meredith stays sitting in her place, Cristina speaking to her but the words come through one ear and leave through the other. She just stays frozen and her guts tell her that real hell is only coming; this is nothing in comparison.

She realises Bailey had the best of intentions. She knows that, she cannot bring herself to feel angry.

Three minutes later, everyone is gone.

Almost.

Apart from her and her group of friends, she sees Addison with Callie and Mark on both of her sides, talking frantically, discussing something. Bailey lingers as well, waiting for Webber to get down from the stage. George left and approached Lexie a moment earlier, but Meredith pays them no attention.

Because Derek is also there.

Leaning against the wall, he waits for the Chief to walk down.

“What the hell?” His voice echoes through the whole hall and everyone shuts up right away, watching him head straight at Richard.

“Derek, what are you doing?” Webber stops by Miranda’s side as both of them observe how Shepherd gets closer.

He is almost red on his face from the anger that emanates from him; his hands are curled in tight fists and his chest heaving as he breathes loudly. There is so much resentment, so much fury inside his body and Meredith wants to curl up on the floor and die. She is not afraid of him, she is afraid of what words will form on his tongue once he combusts.

“Did that whore tell you?” Derek breaks the personal space between him and Webber.

In one moment, when the words only run through the room, Cristina gets up and runs down the steps. She pushes Alex out of her way, flipping his one left doughnut and looks confused while Yang rushes to step Derek from speaking again.

Bailey puts her hand between Richard and Derek’s chests, her voice growing cold and low, “Doctor Shepherd.”

“Did Meredith come running to you to tell you she is a freak and that I tried to fix her, huh?”

That’s when Addison spurts down the row towards her ex-husband, Mark running right behind her.

Cristina is first and looks like she is about to throw her hands at Shepherd, “Shut the fuck up!” Pulling his shoulder, she makes him take a step back and he spares her one sorry glance before shrugging her hand off and turning back to the Chief.

“Hey!” Bailey waves her hand at Yang but her eyes are stuck on Derek.

“Meredith is a whore and a dy-”

Mark’s fist flies through the air and crashes straight into Derek’s face. It lands exactly on his nose with such strength and speed that Shepherd falls onto the floor with a grunt.

“Mark!” Richard calls out while Bailey steps in, “Doctor Sloan!”

Meredith is ten steps away from the whole scene, her hand covering her parted lips in shock, watching as everything unfolds. She feels like she is not there at all, as if all of it is happening just somewhere far away and she doesn’t participate in the fight; her heart is beating out of her chest with the realisation that Mark hit Derek in the very last moment. That if he threw his hand just a second later, Derek would out her to everyone and her secret would be out for the hospital to know and to judge her again; she would go through the same hell again, the whispers and gossip following her wherever she would go.

Attacking Derek awakened something inside of Mark because he leans above his groaning frame on the floor and spits with anger as words shoot from his mouth, “You motherfucker! If you ever loved that girl, you would never speak that way about her! I might not be the best of men, but I have some fucking dignity and respect.”

“Mark-” Addison awakens from the shock she feels and catches his elbow, pulling him back. “Hey, Mark. Stop. Mark.”

He stares down at Derek for a while before letting go. He wipes at the sweat on his forehead and hisses when he touches his red bloodied knuckles.

“Red,” Mark breathes out heavily, watching Derek sit up with his face all bloody.

“No, let go,” Addison pulls him away, enough to be sure he won’t hit before. Everyone watches her approach Derek and reach her hand for him. Meredith’s eyebrows furrow together when she helps him stand up.

Derek stumbles, dizzy, and leans against the wall, groaning.

Addison takes a deep inhale and then pushes him against the wall even more, shaking her head, “You imbecile. You complete fool. Don’t you ever try to raise your face and speak about Meredith this way. Ever. She is a pure miracle, to survive so much pain and so much trauma and still be standing. She is a literal angel, eager to help everyone around her while not accepting help herself, even when someone else doesn’t deserve her dedication, someone just like you! You will never be half of a man, as the one who deserves her. So shut your damn mouth, Derek, and look inside you, where the problem lies within. I’m done,” Somewhere throughout her speech, she caught his shirt in her fist and then lets go, stepping back. Just when he opens his mouth, she raises her hand to stop him. “No. You don’t get to say a single word. None. Go with Doctor Bailey and have your idiotic face fixed because she is the only person kind enough here to help you out. Get out of my sight.”

Just like that, the scene finishes.

Bailey nods at Addison and leads Derek up the stairs, out of the hall; no one notices Lexie trailing behind them, feeling like she shouldn’t be witnessing the fight.

Meredith stares at the floor until she feels a hand in hers and looks up to see Addison’s shining eyes. There are no words between them needed; when Addison feels the trembling of Mer’s palm she quickly pulls it between two of her hands and presses a quick kiss on her knuckles when no one pays them any attention.

“Addie, Mark, please come with me,” Richard eventually says when he takes in everything that happened. They follow him out, leaving Meredith with Cristina, Alex, George and Callie. The last two leave as well, trying not to stay in the same room.

“Are you okay?” Cristina asks when Meredith moves back and sits down on one of the chairs, legs bending from all the emotions.

That’s when her pager goes off and she curses, staring unsure whether to leave or stay.

“I got her,” Alex says and nods for her to leave. “Go.”

When the door falls shut behind Yang, Alex kneels in front of Meredith, trying to catch her eye contact. Suddenly, her gaze looks millions of years older and exhausted; there are no tears but she almost looks… empty.

“I’m guessing from that scene that he is not the father of the child,” Alex says.

Oh, great.

Meredith forgot she also got that on her head.

“Alex,” She murmurs, feeling the upcoming migraine. “I can’t do this today.”

So he drops silent. A present company is all she needs right now and when she hides her face in her hands, Alex flops on the ground in front of her and doesn’t say anything more. Lets her only know he is here, even when he is an asshole.

---

Lexie probably shouldn’t be following Doctor Bailey and bleeding Doctor Shepherd, but she truly doesn’t have anything else to do; no one paged her, and other interns from her group are scattered around the hospital after the speech in the hall.

She has grown to like Derek Shepherd, even now, after the show he made, she feels just a bit bad for him. But it’s the littlest of feelings, given how much her heart aches for her half-sister. Meredith might be cold and mean to her most of the time, building the wall between them higher and higher, yet Lexie cannot just simply stop caring. That’s not who she is.

Even with the bruises on her arms and aching in her back, she is a carer. No matter how much pain the closest people to her inflict on her, she nurtures and protects - part of her that’s rooted into her soul.

“You don’t get to do that!” Bailey exclaims, pulling Shepherd forward to the closest empty room to examine his face. “You don’t get to take that away from Meredith! It’s her thing.”

“But she’s been lying to me,” Derek murmurs, his voice weak and words mixing together.

“Okay, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to ruin her life.”

Lexie is missing something here. And a feeling deep in her guts tells her she should stop following them, stop listening to the conversation.

“She-”

The two stop in front of an examination room and Lexie stays hidden behind the corner as Bailey opens the door, speaking as she shoves Derek inside, “Shepherd, she almost died once. Do you truly want to push her to do that again? People shouldn’t be making others try to take away their lives. She’s a lesbian and that’s it! End of the damn story.”

The door shuts and Lexie stays unmoved in one place.

Meredith is a lesbian.

Now, Derek’s attack on the Chief makes sense; all his anger that she could feel even across the room when he and Meredith were placed in the same room. He was in love with her and she couldn’t love him back. Lexie’s empathy could go both ways here, yet she is loyal to her sister, despite her sister will never be loyal back to her.

If she could only make the pain better for Meredith…

Her heart feels anxious, not knowing that just a couple of walls away, Meredith is making one of the worst decisions of her life. But sisters, whether close or distanced, always feel what the other one is going through; that’s the magic of this bond, or rather the curse. To always feel and never be able to heal and help the other one. Lexie wishes she could be there for Meredith. And the small part of herself wants Meredith to be for her, too.

Foolish dreams, she guesses.

---

The moment she is out of Alex’s careful eyes, she takes the quickest route to the main entrance.

It’s like she is in a trance - the moment she is driving in her car, she cannot even recall when and how she got into the car, she can’t remember the way through the city, she barely registers anything.

Derek’s shouts triggered something inside Meredith. Put her on the edge of life and death, the way her mother’s last words to her did.

She forgets about her family, about her friends, and about every single good thing in her life. There is only pain now, the feeling she will never see the light in the tunnel and she will never heal; she believed she could accept herself the way she is, that since Cristina and Miranda showed her kindness, she would push through and succeed. But she is so tired of pushing through, she is so tired of fighting the same old demons, going to sleep with them in her bed and waking up beside them.

She gets out of the car, forgetting about her purse, her phone stuck in the pocket of her jacket.

Once again, she can’t recall how she got to the bathroom upstairs, but the cold water is filling up the bathtub and she just stares. Somewhere walking through the house, she’s started crying but these are just silent tears.

Let someone stop me.

But the house is empty and she takes off her jacket, dropping it on the floor next to the bathtub.

One foot in, two feet in and she sits in her clothes inside the water. It makes the materials cling to her shaking frame.

Crying turns into hyperventilating and she grabs two sides of the bathtub, her fingers turn white from how strong she is holding onto. She tries to stop herself from breathing frantically and eventually, she calms down.

Tears stop streaming down her face and she accepts her fate. Leaning back, her head rests against the bathtub and loosens the grab of her hands. Just like that the anger, the disappointment, the depression, the bargaining - it’s all gone. She finds acceptance.

Buried inside her pain and almost in an emotional coma, she forgets that there are people who would die for her. She thinks they will be better off her baggage. It takes a minute but she finally gives in.

Lowering herself into the water, Meredith disappears beneath the surface.

---

“Doctor Montgomery?”

Addison turns around to see Lexie Grey staring at her with widened brown eyes, her hands clinging onto some charts as she hesitates, stepping from one foot to the other. There is something entirely wrong with the way she anxiously gazes at Addison, and her heart drops.

“Yes, Doctor Grey?” She actually stops walking down the corridor to just hear Lexie out.

She's just got out of a conversation with the Chief that he had to have about abusing co-workers. In reality, all three of them, Mark as well, knew that Richard has this in protocol - because of course, he is on their side, on the side that will permanently protect Meredith Grey.

“It’s stupid,” Lexie finally says, breaking through. “But I feel like Meredith is not okay. I mean, yes, obviously, she couldn’t be okay after Doctor Shepherd said what he said, but… I feel like we should find her- I- I tried to find her but I can’t, I’ve paged her but she is not answering and… I didn’t know who to come to and I thought you were the best option.”

“Thank you for coming to me,” Addison smiles and puts a hand on the girl’s shoulder. “Did you page any of her friends?”

“Only Doctor Yang but she didn’t come.”

“Alright, let me talk to them,” She says and heads down the corridor to the residents’ room. Peeking behind her back, Lexie is walking quickly behind her.

Inside the room, she finds Alex and Cristina, both of them searching through their lockers.

“Have you seen Meredith?” Addison decides to forget about the greetings, standing in the doorway, while Lexie waits outside. She hears Mark’s voice in the hallway but ignores it while Lexie explains to him the situation.

“She told me she would wait for me by the hall,” Karev turns around.

“She wasn’t there,” Lexie peeks in and says.

Just when Addison wants to speak up, her phone rings.

Meredith’s name is written on the display.

“A-Addie.”

Her voice is shaken and throaty, sounding like she is crying. Addison needs to step inside and sit down on one of the benches because she knows. The pain in her heart almost makes it impossible to ask. But ask, she has to.

“Mer? We’ve been looking for you everywhere,” Addison lets the emotions win when she speaks. “Where are you?”

There is sobbing on the other side when Meredith tries to pronounce her name again.

“Where are you, Meredith?”

Addison raises her eyes from the ground and everyone is looking at her. Cristina is already pale and leaning against her locker, Alex has sat on the other bench. When she looks to the side, she sees Lexie and Mark in the doorway, Lexie’s eyes big while Mark’s confused.

“I tried again,” Meredith finally cries out, so loud that Addison suspects her companions hear everything. “Addie. I’m in the bathtub, I tried again. Oh my God, Addie. I tried to- Drown. It’s a mistake,” Her voice cracks and she sobs.

“I’m on my way,” Addison stands up on her buckling legs and pushes through Mark and Lexie, while they follow her, right with Karev and Yang. “Get out of the bathtub. Get out!” Her voice has no control when she almost yells into the phone. “I’ll be there in ten minutes. Get out of the bathtub, Meredith!”

The phone call ends and she begins to run through the hallways, head spinning and heart jumping out of her chest. She runs the way she’s never done before, so quickly that the two levels of stairs she jumps in her heels faster than the elevator would ever arrive. She pushes past people, hearing footsteps following her.

She stops only in front of her car but her hands shake too much to open it.

“What the hell happened?” Cristina puts both of her hands on Addison’s shoulders, grounding her while Mark takes the keys and opens the car. “What happened?”

“She tried to kill herself,” Addison cries. “She tried to drown herself.”

“Everyone get in,” Mark says, getting behind the wheel. “You got to lead me to the address.”

Addison falls into the backseat, squished between younger Grey and Karev, barely keeping herself from throwing up. She listens to Yang’s instructions but everything passes by her eyes and all she can’t hear in her mind are the broken sobs.

She fears they’ve run out of time.

Notes:

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Chapter 34: i'd say 'i love you' even at your darkest

Notes:

before you read this, i just want to say that i love meredith grey VERY MUCH. she is my baby and i would protect her with my life... but some sacrifices in the name of angst have to be made. i'm sorry, i'm just sorry. believe me, i DO love her. she WILL get her happy ending.

without further ado,
enjoy this (very heavy) chapter

TW//suicide attempt

The whole floor in the bathroom is flooded, water spilt everywhere.

It keeps running behind Meredith’s back, while she sits curled up on the floor, her jeans heavily clinging to her legs; by now her white shirt is transparent and droplets of water run down her body as she breathes wearily. Her hair sticks to her forehead and cheeks; she shakes so badly that she can feel it down in her bones.

She’s lost the sense of timing - she cannot tell how many of the ten minutes have passed. That is until she hears the door open downstairs and footsteps running up the stairs.

First, it’s Addison who storms into the room. Meredith notices mascara running down her cheeks, black marks mixing with tears as she falls onto her knees, wetting her black skirt, putting both of her hands on Mer’s cheeks.

“Meredith,” Addison says, out of breath. “Meredith, Jesus Christ.”

Cristina heads immediately to the bathtub and turns off the water before dropping on the other side of Meredith, eyes becoming glassy when the worst of their nightmares becomes real in front of their eyes. It’s one thing to hear about it, and the other to witness it all - soaked Meredith, her dull eyes and small frame broken on the floor.

“Addie,” Meredith murmurs, voice scratchy.

“I’m here,” Addison tries not to cry when Meredith leans into her and grabs Cristina’s hand, pulling it into her lap; it’s like she is searching for any source of warmth and the feeling of life. Her thoughts have turned black and blue and she doesn’t see the way out anymore, even the voices of her friends don’t come through. “I’m here, sweetheart. I’m here, I’m with you.”

Addison continues to speak, finding strength from the depth of her being when she sees that Cristina is silently crying inside, unable to speak even one word. She has to be brave for all of them- for Mark, Lexie and Alex standing silently in the doorway, shocked to the core.

“It’s going to be just fine, baby,” Addison whispers to Meredith as the blonde leans into her, almost putting her whole weight into Montgomery. “Yang, bring me dry towels and some clean clothes,” She says softly, not to trigger anything in Meredith with the loudness or suddenness. “And close the door, okay?”

With difficulty, Cristina lets go of Mer’s hand and pushes herself up. She walks like a zombie outside the bathroom and points for the rest of the group to go downstairs.

Only when they are left alone, just the two of them, Meredith breaks.

“I don’t know why I did that,” She cries, shattering on the floor, dissolving into the freezing water she tried to let take her life away just a moment before. It always returns, the cold and the unfamiliarity of Elliot Bay; she can’t run anymore, she lost the capacity to get up back on her feet. “It just got so loud in my head and I kept thinking about- Derek. And I couldn’t stop.”

“You’re okay, Mer,” Addison hugs her so tightly that Meredith ends up halfway in her lap, her hands hanging tightly on Addie’s arms that surround her with serenity and safety. “I’ll make it go quiet again. I’ll make it alright again. Let’s get you out of these clothes when Cristina is back, okay?”

Just then, Cristina is back, holding some loose clothes, “There you go.”

“Thank you,” Addison takes them and nods when Yang lays the clean dry towels in the spot not marked by the water. “Can you prepare some hot tea? Something to warm her up.”

Still, Cristina can't bring herself to pronounce more than those three words, so she nods and closes the door.

“Addie, you should leave,” Meredith says between sobs, pushing herself away, trying to put distance.

But she is stupid to think she can do that; Addison shakes her head and with ease brings her into her embrace; the physical distance between them would do nothing, because it’s their hearts are what’s intertwined. No matter if it’s for the good, the bad, or the worst.

“I am not leaving you,” Addison says firmly. “Not now, not ever.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Finding a way, Meredith stops to cry, wiping the tears away and moving back, enough to face Addison; she sniffles but tries to keep cool, so the words come through. “Derek is right. I am not who you think I am.”

Addison inhales deeply, trying not to lose it at the sight of sickly pale skin and red nose and eyes, lips bitten so hard, her bottom lip is bleeding. She tries not to be the one crying her eyes out on the floor, swearing on God and the devil why one of them put Meredith into such misery, into a pain that drove her to the edge.

“I know what your heart is like,” Her voice cracks but she gathers herself up. “That’s all I care about. Take off your clothes and let me change you, please.”

But the crack in her voice doesn’t go unnoticed by Meredith, and it’s like a dagger tearing through her heart slowly, to realise she broke Addison while trying to disappear. It wakes her up, sweeping the dark dreams away, grasping the vision that people do want her here. All those grim demons, she recognises, they tried to kill her off, while she is needed.

She must let Addison know.

Not able to keep going like this for much longer, Meredith wipes the tears off her face, attempting to find her voice, brave and undaunted.

“Addison,” But she is still shaking, she is still the same broken body lying on the floor, so a single sob wrecks through her body, rattling her lungs and throat. “I am a lesbian.”

The look in Addie’s eyes turns from startled into understanding, the softness spilling out of them through two treacherous tears.

“Oh.”

It’s such a gentle sound, her lips parted and her head tilting in recognition.

Memories from the past months flash like blazes throughout her mind, suddenly all the little things making it clear, becoming one wholeness. The breakup with Derek, Meredith’s nightmares and lingering in talking about her mother. The suicide attempt, the first one. The guilt in her eyes when they held hands or hugged. Things today Derek said.

All clear, as if curtains have been raised.

“And-” Meredith’s eyes widened, scared like a deer caught in headlights. “I hate it. I tried to change, first to be someone normal, then tried to like myself the way I am. I tried so many times, so hard. But it is all so- it is breaking me in half, Addie.”

There are no words that can mend this pain beating off Meredith, so Addison pulls her into her arms, again. As if her touch can heal, as if she can make it better by only holding her; she wishes she could use her doctor mastery here, that she could heal this fractured fragile mind with the graze of her fingers.

“You don’t hate me?”

“I could never hate you,” Addison murmurs. “I told you my love is unconditional and I mean it.”

It brings Meredith all the way back, to when she came out to Derek and realised something like unconditional love didn’t exist. She thought it was dead, true love, but Addison is showing her quite the opposite.

“I’m sorry,” She whispers, the comprehension of the water around them and the full bathtub hitting her again.

“Let’s just get you warm and dry, okay? Your friends are waiting downstairs. Everyone is worried because everyone loves, you, you know?”

In silence, they both get up and Addison gently helps her out of the heavy jeans, turning her gaze away when Meredith pulls her underwear down her shaky legs. Taking the towel, they entangle it around her hips, then remove her white shirt through her head; Meredith’s fingers are so cold and trembling that she turns for Addison to unhook her bra. Another towel rolls around her body and Addison leans from behind and embraces her at the waist.

She doesn’t hate her for who she is. She doesn’t feel repulsed, she doesn’t fear touching her.

This time when Meredith cries, it’s from relief.

---

Downstairs, Alex is pacing in circles in the living room, his footsteps echoing through the whole house. They tried to talk in the beginning, but no sounds coming from upstairs silenced all of them - causing Lexie to nervously make sandwich after sandwich, Cristina to brew the tea and frantically check if it didn’t get cold, pouring more hot water inside while Mark just ended up sitting on the sofa, face in his hands as the stress got to him.

But the moment they hear voices and footsteps on the stairs, they all stand up and freeze.

First, Addison appears, smiling at them, but there is so much heartache in one smile that she might as well be drowning in tears.

“I made PB&J sandwiches,” Lexie is the first to speak when Meredith appears, bearing a big plate with sandwiches in her hands.

The stress is visible in her smile and the way the plate rocks in her hand, but she tries her best to just be a good sister; be a sister at all, without cracking in a crisis like this.

“Thank you, Lexie,” Meredith smiles and nods, fidgeting with her fingers.

Lexie begins to talk, words spilling out of her mouth at light speed while Meredith listens patiently and lets herself be pulled onto the couch where Mark stands up and approaches Addison. After making sure that Lexie keeps Mer busy and Alex sits on her other side, watching over the situation, Montgomery lets herself be pulled into the hallway by Mark.

“What are we supposed to do now?” He asks, and only then Addison notices that beneath his confidence and slow breathing, there is the same panic that overtook her. “Are we calling an ambulance to take her to the psych?”

“We will scare her off,” She murmurs, running her fingers through her hair.

“Red, think clearly,” Mark pushes. “We are doctors but none of us is even close to psych specialists. She needs to be under observation, you don’t trust a suicidal person. I’m serious.”

When she escapes his gaze, he tilts her chin up, trying to make her focus, “You know I’m right, Addie.”

“Yes, I know,” She sighs. “But no ambulance. We get there on our own. Let me talk to her.”

She truly needs a hug right now and she knows Mark feels the same, but they do not have time to waste on comfort. Nothing can soothe the pain right now, that is until Meredith is in the right hands, observed so none of her friends has dream terror at night she might be taking her own life at any moment.

But when they come back to the living room, Meredith is passed out on the couch, with her head in Lexie’s lap. The younger Grey is sitting still, wide-eyed and Alex is eating the sandwiches.

From where Addison is standing, she can see Cristina in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen island, with her face in her hands.

“You three, watch over Meredith,” She whispers, not to disturb the sleep.

Lexie and Alex nod, while Mark raises an eyebrow but lets her be and falls onto the armchair.

The second Addison steps into the kitchen, Cristina pushes herself off the surface and looks at her.

Her eyes are red in a subtle way and she looks like something opened her ribcage and just pulled her heart out of her and crushed it; the destruction of today’s events is clearer than ever.

“She has you written as a family in her documents, right?” Addison pulls herself onto the chair, across from Cristina. “For situations… like this.”

“Yeah,” Yang nods and sips the tea she was supposed to give Meredith. “We’re each other’s persons.”

“We have to get her admitted to the psych ward, to get her stable and under observation,” The words hang heavy, despite being spoken delicately. “But she is Meredith…”

“...which means she will fight us off and counter, obviously,” Cristina rolls her eyes and then hands her gaze for a long while at Addison. “Did she tell you? Do you know why?”

“She told me upstairs.”

“So you know.”

“Who else does?”

“Derek, that’s why he… did all of his bullshit,” Cristina sighs. “Bailey knows. Ellis knew as well, that’s why she disowned Meredith.”’

“Disowned?” Addison gapes.

How can a mother do that to her child?

She puts her hand protectively on her stomach, but Cristina doesn’t seem to care about that right now. Moving her thumb in circles, she tries to imagine if she could ever hurt her child like that and even the thought itself feels absurd.

“Yeah,” Cristina turns around for a moment, wiping a tear away.

Addison turns her stare away, giving as much privacy as possible. Cristina Yang doesn’t cry in front of other people like that.

“We need to pull her out of this together,” Addison finds some strength. “All of us, she can’t hang on a thread much longer.”

“Let’s order food and let her sleep for a moment before the mayhem begins,” Cristina nods firmly.

“You’ll pack her stuff and when she awakens and eats, I’ll talk to her alone. If all of you gonna be around, she will act all mighty and strong, but when it’s just the two of us, I can make it work and talk some sense into her.”

“Okay,” Addison says. “We got a plan.”

“We got a plan,” Cristina repeats, reaching for her phone on the kitchen counter. “One thing at a time.”

There is at least somewhere to start.

---

Lexie is gently brushing through the wet blonde hair in her lap and hums a song that her mother always sang to her when she felt ill. Meredith doesn’t even stir in her sleep, the exhaustion after wrecking her nervous system and mental health brings her so deeply into her dreams, that she just dropped dead.

She understands the feeling of wanting to give up; hell, sometimes she has the same thoughts that probably crossed her half-sister’s mind, but after this, she knows to never try.

There is too much to lose.

Alex is staring at Meredith and despite Lexie knowing he pretends most of the time, being an asshole is just an act of a person hurt too badly too many times, this is the first time his facade slips. His eyes might as well be burning holes in the side of Mer’s face and there is just… void in his gaze.

Lexie is not sure she should speak to him when he is in that state.

Watching Addison climb up the stairs, she sighs.

“You good there, Lexie?”

Her eyes raise to Mark Sloan, sitting on her right in the armchair. He looks like he aged ten years in one hour and his hair is shaggy from how he pulled on them, sitting in silence.

“Yes,” She puts on a small smile on her lips, hoping it doesn’t look like a grimace. “I just hope Meredith will be okay.”

“She is a strong one,” Mark says, his eyes not daring to look at the older Grey even one time, his eyes focused on Lexie. “And we will help her out.”

The tension spread throughout the entirety of the household can be felt in every inch of it. Cristina still occupies the kitchen, staring out the window, waiting for the pizza; Alex is frozen in his spot on the couch and Mark can’t bring himself to barely set one look at Meredith. Only Lexie is breaking through the stillness of the scene with her soft humming and swaying gently; apparently, it’s a calming manner because Meredith truly doesn’t even move an inch.

She watches Meredith’s pale face and just finds herself loving her sister, even if she hates her, even if she doesn’t want her. She won’t give up on her, she wants to prove to Meredith is not a part of Thatcher; at the thought of her father, she feels shivers running down her spine.

So, she grounds herself, with her fingers brushing through the hair.

Just when Addison is back with a big brown bag she drops it in the corridor before heading to the living room. Leaning against the doorway, she smiles at Lexie, then her eyes drop lower and her eyebrows furrow together.

That’s when the doorbell rings.

Meredith grumbles through her sleep and begins to turn. Lexie puts her hands in front of her to stop her from falling onto the ground, while Cristina quickly walks to the corridor to pick up the pizza with Addison.

A soft yawn announces that Meredith is waking up; her eyelashes flutter open and she stares for a moment in confusion, watching Cristina carrying three boxes of pizza inside the room, placing them on the table.

“Do you need anything, Mer?” Alex asks when she begins to sit up, confused and staring at him.

“Did I fall asleep on you?” Her voice is hoarse when she looks at Lexie.

“Yeah,” The girl nods and smiles allaying. “Don’t worry about it, it’s alright.”

“I’m sorry,” Meredith settles between Lexie and Alex.

“It’s really okay,” Lexie places her hand on top of Meredith, surprised the blonde doesn’t take it away, escaping from the touch.

They begin to eat and someone through their meal, one of them turns on the TV so it plays in the background and drowns out the heavy silence. The scene is one of the most unsettling ones, and given all of them work in Seattle Grace, that is saying a lot. Too much, to be frank.

Just as most of the pizza disappears and Meredith finishes her fresh hot tea, one by one, everyone leaves discreetly, until it’s only Mer chewing mindlessly and Cristina sitting on the floor, closing the boxes. She waits until Meredith is finished and stands up, circling the coffee table and sitting on the edge of it, to be right in front of her person.

“Meredith, I am truly sorry to do this but I have every damn right to,” She starts off, catching Grey off guard.

The blonde puts her plate on the couch next to her and frowns, “What are you talking about?”

“I got two options for you,” Cristina might appear heartless through most of her life, but to give Meredith Grey an ultimatum because she tried to… It can’t even go through her head, the very thought of it. “And I’m doing this because I love you and I’m not going to sit and wait until you finally manage to- to kill yourself,” At her last words, Meredith flinches. “Option one: we pack you up and admit you, as secretly and discreetly it is possible, to the psych ward, so people won’t be talking shit. Option two: you don’t let us take care of you and we call an ambulance and it will be a real shitshow for everyone to watch.”

“I am not doing this, Cristina.”

It makes Yang burst out into unhinged laughter; she can’t stop, knowing if she goes on a bit longer, the laughter will turn into screams or tears. Or both at once.

“I didn’t ask you if you are doing this!” She stands up and walks away before turning to Meredith again. “I asked you to choose from two options.”

“I am fine!” Meredith stands up as well.

It was supposed to be a private conversation but Cristina is pretty sure everyone upstairs or in the hallway can hear their voices. Whatever, at this point, she wants to murder Meredith with her own hands.

“You’re fine?! You were fine taking a fucking swim in your bathtub? That was fucking fine, calling Montgomery after you decided to take a leap into the water as a hobby?” Cristina stops caring about keeping her voice down, once the words begin to fall out of her mouth. “Because if so, then you are just fucking amazing, Meredith,” She clasps her hands and laughs, watching how Meredith’s eyes turn round like coins, tears collecting in the corners of them. “Did you think what would happen if Izzie or Alex came home and found your dead lifeless body in the bathroom? Did you think about what I would do at your funeral? Did you think about Addison who would literally jump into the fire after you? You tried to kill yourself, not once, but twice, and all of us fucked up the last time that we let you even get out of the hospital without a psych check! And I am not doing ‘third time’s the charm’ with this, you get me? Fuck this. Choose.”

Meredith is floored. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out.

That’s when Mark steps into the room, shrugging, “C’mon, Meredith,” His voice is like a peaceful sea in comparison to Cristina’s dark storm. “Dirty mistresses club doesn’t make scenes.”

“Well, you…” She tries to speak but her voice fails her. Thinking she is discreet, she sniffles and hides her face behind her hands as she brushes through her hair. Clearing her throat, she tries again - eyes set on Mark behind Cristina because the shame that streams through her doesn’t even let her look at Yang. “You most certainly didn’t make a scene breaking Derek’s nose.”

When Mark laughs, she chuckles, too.

“Oh, Meredith,” He shakes his head and smiles. “How Yang said, choose. I got my phone here,” He waves it in the air, but she doesn’t even feel threatened. “So I’m waiting for the decision. No hurry though. We can be standing here all day long.”

“Okay,” Meredith sighs and closes her eyes for a moment.

It’s not a choice at all.

She realises it and regrets her words, regrets setting Cristina on fire so badly that all the words fell between them, drenching the warm space that always floated between the two of them. Now, there is so much anger, which is only covering the fear, the damn terror of losing one’s person.

“Option one,” Meredith says quietly.

Cristina nods and exits to the kitchen; a moment later there is a sound of glass breaking and Lexie runs down the stairs, rushing to her resident.

“I have to prepare and pack,” Meredith realises. She’s never been in that part of the hospital, but it is not hard guessing she should probably pack the same things she had while staying afterwards the Elliot Bay.

“I packed your things, documents, toiletries, clothes,” Addison says when she appears by Mark’s side.

“All ready by the door.”

“This is it then,” Meredith murmurs, more to herself than her friends.

She walks around the living room and stops by the window, peeking out into her garden; everything has already turned ugly by now. It’s that time of autumn, the dark and wet and grim; she misses the lighter days of kaleidoscopic leaves and captivating sunsets, but now, when she tries to recall the sights, her mind is empty. There is only this echo of a memory that the world used to be beautiful to the point it became poetic, ringing and bouncing off the broken shards of her shattered brain. She wants to see it again, but there is the darkness outside and the hungry emptiness.

November turned her into someone she isn’t. Flames have turned into embers and she cannot see five meters in front of her; it brings her like it’s too late to fight.

But that’s when she turns around and sees Addison with Mark in the doorway, Cristina and Lexie leaving the kitchen and Alex dropping heavily on the armchair.

Even if it’s too late… it can’t be too late for them.

“Let’s go, then,” She says and pushes herself off the windowsill.

“I’ll stay and clean up the house,” Alex says. “I’ll see you, Mer.”

Meredith smiles at him and the five of them head to the hallway, putting on the jackets and coats.

Outside, she pays the house one last look. So many ghosts, so many demons haunting her.

It’s time to face them.

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 35: guiding you to a place where you'll feel safe

Notes:

hi...

i know it's been over a month since i last updated TOHIBST but hear your girl out.

there have been a couple of interesting things happening such as dropping out of university, not being able to find a job, actively fighting with addiction, relapsing in my ed and being graced with another depressive episode... not being able to be with the woman who is the love of my life is just a cherry on top, but well, that's life, isn't it?

so i just hope you forgive me with the sudden disappearance and radio silence from me. trust me, it takes everything in me to get up from my bed but i just thought i could just update tonight since i'm feeling more alive.

i cannot tell when will i update again and i don't wanna make empty promises. i just wanna say that every comment you left under the last chapter i read over twenty times and i feel so so so thankful for. every kind word from you made my existence less horrible right now and i know i always answered each single of them, but i'm too exhausted right now. just know that i am eternally grateful for every single of you, every reader that stuck with this story for over ten months. i'm not giving up on it, i don't think i would be able to. i'm just trying to survive right now. so, thank you for the sweet comments and thank you for understanding.

this one is a bit tough, but meredith is going through changes and fights for her life and she is just trying her best - also i think it's the longest chapter so far;)

hope you'll enjoy it x

Her mind almost imitates the darkest, grimmest storm of her life; and she’s swum through many waves and faced countless tsunamis. For the first time in her life, she wonders if there is any shore at all, even when she is drugged out of her mind, the doses of diazepam and quetiapine making her groggy and half-awake on the bed.

Falling into the hole of self-hatred and lack of forgiveness is so easy, so close to her reach… to just drown in the big tide, let it sweep her away, never to come back.

Darkness is everywhere around her, so Meredith feels like she should become darkness as well.

That’s when Addison comes through.

She is Meredith’s lighthouse, shining a way back home. A way back into her heart, the warmth and safety far more appealing than letting the ocean swallow her.

Addison always leaves a light one, guiding her back home, showing her how to float above the surface. She is there almost all the time - whether Meredith wakes up in the morning or is laying sleepless on the hospital bed, waiting for the meds to kick in and let her lose consciousness for another 12 hours. She is there during lunch, sneaking sweets and ice chips and brings Meredith a good dinner before she ends her shift.

The brown curls tied into a french braid and a wide smile each time Meredith finds the strength to joke are becoming Grey’s whole world.

But when Addison is not here, her whole family is.

On the first day, after meeting her psychiatrist and psychotherapist with who she fights half of the time and then chooses to lose and confess all her sins, it makes her feel like in a confessional. She tells them about the first attempt, and when she gets to the second, she begins to dissociate. It’s hard to remember what the hell she told them, but they bring meds to her room and she is out of it after twenty minutes.

She awakens with Cristina by her side.

“I want to murder you,” Yang greets her, sitting at the feet of the hospital bed with charts in her lap as she reads them. “I want to just strangle you with my own hands.”

Meredith knows what it means.

Smiling, what probably appears as a grimace with muscles on her face numbed, she nods, “Trust me, I would be grateful.”

Expecting Cristina to roll her eyes or kick her in the shin, or even just leave, Meredith is shocked the moment the charts drop beside Cristina and she shakes her head with lips pressed together tightly. When she tries to open her mouth and speak, no words come out, and she just stares at Meredith until tears spring from her eyes. She looks the same exact type of broken like the time she held Mer’s face gently in her palms and begged to live, admitting to getting married to Burke.

“Don’t you dare say that,” She slides from the bed and walks up to the top of it. “Don’t you ever ever try that. It’s not funny, it’s not the amusing side of being dark and twisted. You’re not twisted anymore, Mer, you are heartbreaking.”

“I’m sorry,” Meredith says quietly.

“Alright,” Cristina leans against the bed, closing her eyes and breathing out deeply. “Alright, we can start there.”

“Do you want to give me a forehead kiss?” Grey doesn’t want but it makes her so amused, that she bursts out into laughter, which makes her feel nauseous.

“Absolutely not,” Cristina winces, pulling away.

Hard to keep the conversation, feeling her mind slipping away; she is drugged out her mind and she might be repeating it to Cristina, but she is not really sure. Either way, sleep embraces her so warmly that it almost feels like Addison’s arms around her. This peace of mind, this lack of thoughts, no more screams inside her mind begging her to finally end this miserable existence… it’s the feeling she’s been searching for her entire life.

Buried underneath the heaviness of her dreams, she can’t see but before Cristina leaves, she leans in and presses a small kiss on her forehead.

“You complete idiot,” She whispers to sleeping Meredith. “I can’t stay here without you. Come back to me.”

She will love the ghost of Meredith but she misses her soul, her true form, full of energy and judginess.

You shouldn’t make houses out of a person, because it’s like settling on an island just to find out you’re sitting on a sleeping whale. Eventually, it will awaken and you will realise it can never be steady and you are not sure of any survival rate. Cristina feels like the whale is just about to dive into the water, leaving her in the middle of nowhere.

But Meredith is home. So she stays and doesn’t try to swim away and find a real island.

---

On day two, they take her for a therapy session after giving her another medication. She can’t recall anything she said, except for refusing to speak about Ellis Grey; somehow, she is still afraid to ruin her legacy by the gossip of abusing and neglecting her own daughter. The therapist, an older woman who isn’t exactly nice and polite, but neither mean, keeps repeating about the doctor-patient confidentiality, but it doesn’t come through.

The rest is a blur but she is allowed to go back to her room after forty minutes of sitting on an armchair in her pyjamas, curled up and small.

In her room, Izzie is awaiting.

“Meredith!”

She hugs her tightly and helps Meredith find the balance to crawl back into her bed.

Unsure, she keeps escaping eye contact until Meredith rolls her eyes and chuckles, “You can look at me, you know? I’m as dark as you were after Denny. I looked into your eyes back then.”

“Not all of the time.”

Izzie finally lets her gaze fall onto Meredith.

“No,” She nods, her head heavy to move, making her dizzy. “Not all of the time.”

In the back of her mind, she can recall that when Izzie’s empty yet overflowing with grief eyes looked into hers as they lay on the bathroom tiles, she looked away for a moment. To see this darkness, this gathering of demons and whispers from the darkest parts of your brain, in another person’s eyes is one of the most frightening things to ever experience.

“I’m sorry I haven’t noticed the signs,” Izzie eventually says after ten minutes of silence during which Meredith dozes off halfway. “We live together, I am your roommate, I am your family. It didn’t even cross my mind… that you could do something to yourself. I am sorry.”

Unable to speak, Meredith nods.

Her mind awakens only when she sees the familiar silhouette in the doorway, leaning against the frame.

“Your interns are searching for you, Doctor Stevens,” Addison says, smiling politely.

“Of course,” Izzie stands up from the couch by the wall. “I’ll see you, Mer.”

“Bye, Izzie,” Meredith mumbles and rolls over to her side.

Addison doesn’t speak a word when she closes the door, giving them privacy and pulling a plastic chair as close to the bed as possible. As she sits down, sighing, Meredith instantly reaches out for her hand. She tries to push through the fog and drowsiness of diazepam, focusing on the familiar deep green stare.

With the warmth of her hand, the familiar touch; her heart wakes up from the hollow coma.

“Are you showing?” Her words might be blurring together, yet Addison understands.

“I don’t know,” She smiles when Mer’s gaze falls onto her stomach, hidden beneath the navy blue silk shirt. “I feel like there is a tiny bump.”

“Show me.”

Addison looks around, careful to see through the shades but there are no nurses or doctors in sight. So, she stands up and turns sideways, pulling the fabric up, to beneath her breasts.

Nine weeks pregnant, she wears it with pride despite it being a secret. She has no idea if she is glowing, but she feels glowy. When she lies depressed at night, worrying about Meredith, pregnancy shows her way through the darkness. Her baby is her reason to keep going, to keep fighting.

For herself, for the life that is growing inside of her and for Meredith.

She believes she can get her through the night.

“Oh,” Meredith reaches out, her finger tenderly touching the smallest of bumps. “Hi there.”

Addison laughs at her, seeing how high she is off the meds. It’s either falling into crying on the floor or trying to make the best out of the situation. Of course, it hurts and it burns to see someone you love drugged out of their mind, but she tries to focus on the part that Meredith is not in pain right now. That there is silence in her mind, from what the doctors tell her - before taking the first dose of medicine, Meredith signed a document for Addison and Cristina to be the people they share the information with.

“They can’t hear you now,” Addison laughs and peeks at her own stomach. She hugs it with her hand gently, Meredith’s hand following and covering her palm.

“I don’t care,” Meredith grins crookedly. “Forewarned is forearmed.”

“Are you done watching my stomach?”

“Yep.”

She gets paged and leaves Meredith who rolls to the other side, waiting for sleep to come. She doesn’t have to wait too long.

---

Being more aware is surely not fun.

The third day still makes her groggy but the sight is clearer now and she stops mixing up her words and sentences. When she goes to the therapy and her psychiatrist walks in, beginning to ask her questions beginning from episodes and ending with suicide plans, a migraine begins to creep in; she asks them for more medicine so it can kick in again but they give her the same dose as the past two days. She has already gotten used to them, enough, to know.

She doesn’t feel suicidal. Quite frankly, she can’t really understand know how she got herself in such a state that she tried to attempt to drown once again, as if Elliott Bay wasn’t enough. She is sober - both from the drugs and from the depression which overcame her days before.

Meredith sees as clearly as it is possible a person with her trauma and her experiences. But the thought of telling her therapist about being a lesbian sends her off into a spiral.

She begins to hyperventilate and choke in the hospital bed, grabbing onto the sheets and loudly breathing, just when George enters her room.

“George,” Meredith manages to say, eyes widened and panicked.

O’Malley runs towards her and takes her hands in his, gently as her fingers dig into his skin. She needs to be human, she needs to see she is still a person.

“Breathe slowly,” He tells her and begins to guide her. “Follow me, o-okay? It’s gonna be okay.”

George isn’t one of the most helpful and calm people, but this time he does well. That’s how one of the nurses finds them - Meredith with her eyes closed, sitting straight in the bed and counting her breaths and George holding her hands tightly, so she feels another breathing human around, someone caring for her.

This way she is sent off to her therapist for the second time.

Sitting in silence, they spent half an hour before the therapist manages to break through her.

They don’t talk about anything in particular - her friends, her intern year, tequila. Everything that made up that period of time in Meredith’s life.

Not knowing why, Addison doesn’t come that night. It’s probably a tough night at Seattle Grace - Meredith wonders if she sneaked out and just took a peek of what’s happening, would anyone notice. The psych feels so distanced, broken away from the real-life unfolding before her friends and the rest of the doctors. It’s silent most of the time, except for the hurting patients; the ones whose minds have gone way darker than Meredith’s.

She misses her perfume. But she can’t bring it here, as it has too many sharp edges and they would take it away right away.

She misses more than her perfume, undoubtedly.

---

Day four brings her three things: the strangest Alex she has ever seen in their one-year friendship, a diagnosis and Addison setting her back on track.

“You’re getting a ban for taking baths longer than seven minutes,” Alex greets her when the nurse finally lets him during the visiting hours.

They are walking down the empty white corridor until they reach the part with a long bench standing by the wall, where she sits down while he stays across her, leaning against the wall in his white coat, hands hidden in the pockets. He looks tired, with circles under his eyes and wrinkles in places where a man his age shouldn’t have them.

“Really?”

“Yeah. And you can’t lock the door,” Alex says.

“But-”

“I cut the locks out of the doors,” He tells her. “There are no locks, so no one can lock themselves.”

“Everywhere?”

“Your bedroom, both bathrooms,” That’s when he pulls out a package of berry mix ice chips and throws it into Mer’s lap.

“I was not going to repeat this,” She says, finding firmness in her voice.

Of course, she should be humble, perhaps even abash after what she put everyone through. But for God’s sake, she is Meredith Grey. She’s been through hell and back and walked through her whole life with a smile, after the neglect, the lies, the hatred, the covering of her real self. She is not going to step back without a fight, even if she sees defeat coming at the end of this conversation.

“Yeah?” Alex smirks, the way he does when his voice turns mean and he loses the rest of the light inside of him. “Perhaps I would believe you if that wasn’t the second time. I knew there was something wrong about the bay, you know? I am not dumb, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. But apparently, you even tried three times, as Izzie-”

“Fuck, Izzie,” Meredith sighs and closes her eyes for a moment. Of course, Izzie would put two and two together and tell her theory - which is one hundred percent right - to everyone that wants to listen.

“No, there is no fuck, Izzie,” Alex chuckles, completely humourless. “There is only fuck, Meredith. You tried three times - twice Shepherd managed to get you back, and once it was ex-She-Shepherd to save you. But the thing is, you need to get this inside your head, Meredith, that you can’t keep doing this to people. You can’t- We thought we lost you. Everyone. You-”

He turns around, leaning with his hand against the wall. Hiding his face from her, only now does Meredith feel the heaviness of the choices she’s made.

She would be okay with hurting herself. But others?

Damn, that’s where the problem is. She keeps saying things to herself like this - that hurting others is what’s wrong, yet she can hurt herself. That’s where it’s dug deep into the ground. That’s where she needs to change in order to make it right, to fix every mistake.

She has to find a way to love herself, the way she loves her family and friends.

“I know, Alex,” She says, trying to get through to him. “I know there is something wrong with me and I need to fix it. I know. I know it shouldn’t… I know a person shouldn’t cut out locks from the doors just to be calm. I know, okay? And I know you would understand me the most, out of the five of us, because I know you are a bit wrong inside, the way I am. I know.”

“You’re here to get help,” Alex stays turned to her with his back. “So, use it. Listen to these specialists, do as you are told. Don’t push everything away because I can promise you that there is an army of people downstairs that would kill for you. Goddamit, Meredith, use it.”

“Okay.”

Her voice is simple and tender.

Any sign of fight and stubbornness gone, the edges aren’t harsh, rounded softly. Right there, she gives up. Not the way she gave up before - she gives up the fight with herself, the hatred, the small little faith into turning straight.

“I am a lesbian.”

Alex turns around, face softened as much as it’s possible for the exhaustion painted on his expression, “Boobs are cool.”

Meredith laughs with her whole chest.

He leaves soon and she is called into the office of her psychiatrist.

But as soon as she hears bipolar disorder, she dissociates. Eyes stuck in one point on the desk, the voice passes her by; she manages to get herself back into listening halfway. Severe manic and depressive episodes, fatigue, a feeling of worthlessness, diminished interest, weight loss, apathy, aboulia.

“Okay, but what exactly caused me to- to the suicidal state?” She stops the doctor at the point she just can’t listen more. She wants answers. She wants an explanation.

Because if all it is caused by an illness… Then it’s just the chemical imbalance in her brain, right? It means that it’s not her head that’s completely destroyed, it’s not she was born lacking and different. It’s an illness. Something she can cure.

“We think it was a mixed episode. It can be the most tricky and dangerous one,” The man she learned to respect a bit explains patiently. “Where the sick person is depressed enough to think of suicide, and manic enough to put those plans in motion. Those episodes can be muted and eased by the right medication and regular psychotherapy.”

Meredith lingers in her judgement - whether she should celebrate it’s only the chemical imbalance or cry for how broken she is.

“I want you to call for Doctor Montgomery,” She says, crossing her arms on her chest, wanting to curl up on the chair, closing herself off.

“Miss Grey-”

“It's Doctor Grey.”

“Alright,” He gives up and stands up, leaving the office for a moment.

Meredith sits alone and ends up folding her legs under her bum, hugging herself tightly in the middle. Staring outside the window with crates on it, she watches the birds fly in flocks, losing the sense of timing for a moment; it’s hard to tell how many minutes have passed but the next time her psychiatrist comes back, he is followed by Addison in pink scrubs.

It’s hard to hold back a smile at the sight but the moment Addison sees her - safe and sound - the neonatal surgeon lets out a heavy breath and sits on the chair on Meredith’s right.

The psychiatrist repeats everything to Addison, who takes it surprisingly well. She nods and answers with short words and thanks for the appointment before they head off back to Meredith’s room.

“Bipolar disorder can be controlled, Mer,” Addison tells her when she falls heavily on the mattress and kicks the thin bedsheets down. “You will get the help you need and it will be better.”

“I am fucked up, in the end,” Meredith laughs.

“You are not fucked up, Meredith,” Addison speaks softly and she realises she has to come through either way or another.

She kicks off her flat shoes and climbs into the bed, sitting right in front of Meredith, crossing her legs. With silence, she stares at Grey until the blonde mirrors her position and sighs, knowing it’s a serious moment, none of the arrogant chuckling and rolling eyes fitting here.

It’s a big step, but Meredith reaches out and intertwines their fingers on the mattress between them.

“Heart talk?” She asks quietly.

Addison nods, “Heart talk.”

The realisation hurts, but it hits Meredith suddenly that she is coming through the darkest moments of her life. That this is the trial she’s been getting ready for her whole life - it’s either coming through the rain into the sunshine, looking for the smallest source of light in the overcoming midnight or falling deep inside it and ruining every good thing she’s ever had.

What’s most terrifying - it’s not like the choice is clear. Usually, in movies and shows and books, the main character is standing at the fork in the road and they head towards the light and win in the end. But it’s none of those things; Meredith can lose everything here if she gives into the darkness for one more second.

She was born a fighter - starting from fighting to even be born, unwanted by her mother, ending right here.

“I feel nauseous when I think about what I almost did,” Meredith admits out loud, eyes not escaping the insightful deep green gaze. “I feel like there is no going back from this.”

“Oh, but there is,” Addison smiles; Meredith always wonders how that miracle exists - in every painful moment of her life that Meredith has been a witness to, Addison found a way to smile. “You can always come back home. Away from all of it.”

“I want to be back home,” Meredith says.

“But you need to stay just a couple more days, okay?” Addison moves her thumb calmingly against the cold palm of Mer’s hand. “Maybe five days more. They need to stabilise you and make sure which medication works and you won’t even blink and you’ll be back.”

“I hate the hospital beds.”

“I know.”

“I hate it here.”

“This I know as well.”

They laugh together, fingers still entangled.

“I’ll get you some visitors, what do you think about that?” Addison says, her voice teasing. “So you don’t bore yourself to- well, you know.”

Meredith decides it’s fair, so she only nods.

They end up hugging for a long time before Addison needs to get back to work. Definitely not ready to deal with the mess inside of her mind, Meredith burrows herself underneath the bedsheets and the sleep finds her easily. It’s surprising how easily she learned to fall asleep, given that the last time she had to stay in the hospital in September she barely slept.

The magic of drugs, she hums.

---

Day five brings Bailey and day six brings Richard and both of them are so sweet that Meredith’s cheeks hurt from smiling.

It comes as no surprise that Bailey is a bit stern, giving her a motivational speech to push her forwards, while Richard is so delicate and so lost that it gives her a bit of heartache. Both of them stay for a long time and discuss matters with her doctors, making sure she is in the right hands and she imagines a world where her parents would act the way her bosses do.

A beautiful life that would be, but we don’t get good things in life often.

She takes in the moments, hanging onto them and when they say goodbye, they promise her she’ll be out soon. The crates in the windows and locking the bathrooms for the nights are getting boring, yet she is getting used to it. The reality inside the psych ward has grown almost familiar to her.

The mess happens on day number seven, which occurs on Thanksgiving.

Perfectly at 4 p.m., Cristina, Izzie, George and Alex burst into her room with plates of food, getting bawled on and they fight for fifteen minutes for the nurses to let them inside. Meredith watches the show and chokes on the laughter, to the point she has trouble breathing.

People show up.

People don’t let her down.

People stay with her, despite every single trait she hates in herself.

The night is getting late, far past the visiting hours and they are still talking, Meredith fitting Izzie in her bed; Cristina is sprawled out on the couch and Alex has brought himself a chair from the corridor. George is leaning against the windowsill, eating the rest of the food they got left.

Even if it smells of sickness and hospital, it’s the best Thanksgiving Meredith ever had in her life.

“Okay, but what’s new?” She asks, chewing a piece of apple pie. “What changed while I was gone?”

“Bambi and Izzie broke up,” Cristina says, focused on the bowl of sweet potatoes in her lap.

Silence echoes in the room.

“Well, that was quick,” Meredith says, holding a silly smile back. She doesn’t know why it amuses her so hard - but there is laughter pressing on her lungs - and her cheeks twitch while she keeps herself from chuckling.

In the end, she bursts out laughing; she can’t remember the last time she laughed like that. And all of her friends soon follow her, their room so loud that a nurse comes back to shut them up, given the curfew for the lights to go out has almost arrived. Soon, all four of them are kicked out and Meredith accepts hugs from Izzie and George, while Cristina and Alex wave to her in the door.

But what comes after such an endorphin high? The come down.

The so-well-known hell begins when she is alone for the first time in hours, with midnight nearing on the horizon. Waiting for the last dose of meds, every cell in her body before fulfilled with energy and excitement disappears, turning her soul into a worn-out monster - the exhaustion takes over, to the point she stops feeling her limbs. She can’t be alone. She can’t stand seeing herself for who she is, reflecting deeply into herself.

The nurse finds her out of breath, inhales ragged and exhales uneven, along with her whole body shaking. The same exact way that she used to tremble daily, for weeks after the Bay days. After the accident.

Everything is blurry and she can’t breathe, salty tears streaming down her face as she grabs her own throat, hoping it will release some of the distress. Her hands are trying to grab onto the invisible chain around her neck, believing she can’t just pull it off and allow her body to catch oxygen, waking her up from this bad dream.

Until.

Until she feels a warm body slide onto the mattress behind her, someone’s arms pushing her from the backrest just to sneak behind her. So when Meredith leans back again, barely aware of what’s happening, there is someone’s chest behind her, two hands hugging her tightly around her waist.

“Hey, Meredith,” It’s nothing more than a soft murmur. “I’m here. Feel my chest move. Breathe with me.”

For the next five minutes, Meredith’s whole world becomes the feeling of the chest rising and falling beneath her and she repeats the rhythm. Her breaths are battered but she manages to quiet the sobs down and tears stop marking her red face. While she feels her lungs filling and losing air, she watches the nurse bring her a paper cup of water, handing it to her when she looks stable enough in her panic.

“Addie,” Mer says, voice hoarse.

“Drink some water,” Addison tells her, hearing how dry her throat is. “And take your meds.”

The nurse smiles sympathetically to Montgomery as she hands Meredith two cups - one with water, the other plastic small one with the medication.

The word has already been spread that Meredith Grey is not the easiest of patients - given she is a doctor, that makes it as obvious as it gets - and Doctor Montgomery is always allowed into the ward for her miraculous emotionally sedative skills. It goes through as a secret, so other families don’t notice that the visiting hours don’t concern Addison.

“Can I stay for the night?” Addison asks the nurse.

The woman nods and tells them she will be in the station if they need anything, while Meredith shifts uncomfortably, the guilt overcoming her.

“Addison, you don’t have to.”

“I’m gonna stay.”

There is no point in fighting Addison, so Meredith mumbles something to herself and begins to untangle herself from the tight hold that the brunette is embracing her with. They shift their positions into much more comfortable ones. Addison ends up laying on her back while Meredith snuggles into her side, tucking her face into the crook of Addie’s neck, sniffing the scent of her luscious hair, the rest of her fancy perfume along with mango conditioner.

Just when Addison believes the blonde inside her arms is asleep and she begins to doze off herself, a question awakens her.

“Have you ever been this broken?”

The heartache this simple sentence causes is unrepairable. All she can do is draw Meredith closer to her body, craving to just shield her wholly and keep her safe away from the world; once she had a dream where she could keep Meredith locked from the pain. Her heart dropped in her chest when woke up and realised it was not real and could never be.

“I have,” Addison says quietly. “Believe me, I thought I would never get better and I would stay forever in this purgatory. But I didn’t.”

Meredith’s warm breath tickles the skin on her neck when she speaks up, “What do you mean?”

Addison begins to shift on the bed, which makes Meredith raise her heavy head. In silence and confusion, she watches Addison push the sheets down and hike her skirt up until her block stockings end. The pale skin of her upper thighs is exposed… but it’s marked. Thin white lines - old-looking cut scars - branding her legs.

“I haven’t done that in years,” Addison gives in, admitting. “ But I’ve done other things that hurt me. I don’t continue any of them anymore. And these scars? They’re a reminder to never let it get that far. We can get you a reminder as well - a tattoo, a bracelet, or a piercing. Something you can see on your body, something to ground you.”

“Your scars ground you?”

“I used to hate them,” Addison leans back enough so they can look each other in the eyes as she pulls her skirt back down. “I am still not proud of them. But I don’t want a single new one and they remind me of it.”

“Thank you for telling,” Meredith smiles gently. “I want to know things about you, the worst of them.”

Meredith needs to know every thing about Addison Montgomery and love her anyway. Not despite them, but along with them. It might seem as if Addison knows much more about her - but in the end, they are both entirely soaked up in damage. And with soft-spoken confessions and carefully built trust, they try to fix themselves and each other.

That’s all that matters, ultimately.

With such thought in her mind, Meredith flattens herself against the steady warm body next to her and falls asleep to blank dreams.

---

Mark storms into her room the minute the visiting hours begin with a wide smile and his usual confidence. After Addie left, she’s been reading magazines brought by Izzie and drawing doodles on the side of the articles while listening to the music played in the corridor, but Sloan’s presence is much more entertaining.

“I thought about trying to sneak some tequila in,” He flops onto the chair next to her bed. “Unfortunately Addison told me she could kill me for that and tell on me to your doctor. So, this meeting of dirty mistresses has to be sober.”

“I think I can live with that,” Meredith laughs. “I wondered when you’d come around.”

“I thought I would give you time,” He says, leaning forward, elbows resting on his lap. “Your whole friends gang was beating themselves who is going to see you first, I wasn’t going to fight with interns.”

“They are not interns,” Meredith rolls her eyes. “We are not interns anymore.”

Mark winks at her, “You will always be babies in nappies.”

“I’m gonna call the nurse in and tell her you’ve sneaked in alcohol.”

“You wound me, Meredith Grey,” He theatrically places a hand above his heart, wincing. “Here I am, gracing you with my presence which can help in quick recovery and you don’t recognise my amazing humour and jokes.”

This man is ridiculous, she thinks, but despite all his flaws, he would never do what Derek did. She wonders how it is that they grew up together, yet became two such different halves. Mark can be annoying with his confidence and sleeping with every woman that the universe puts in his way, yet he doesn’t look like someone who would be able to hurt someone on purpose.

“How is Derek’s broken nose?” She asks once Shepherd haunts her thoughts.

“Are you really asking about that idiot?” Mark’s eyebrows raise almost to his hairline.

Meredith shrugs, “I mean, you hit him pretty hard. I was wondering how he is doing.”

“When I think you can’t surprise me more-” Mark is thinking about watching how Meredith is falling for Addison and how she tried to throw it all away, ending her life, and all these things that Grey sacrificed for others while emptying herself to the core. “-You go there again and say things like this. This man is literally the reason why you ended up here and you ask about his well-being.”

“C’mon,” Meredith hates how serious the conversation is getting. “It’s not because of him. He didn’t tell me to jump into the bathtub, there are many worse things that made me end up where I ended up. He used to be a big part of my life, of course, I want to know how he is doing.”

Mark sighs heavily, clearly not approving, “Well, he got his nose fixed, Richard made me set the bone straight before it heals. So, he is doing good.”

“Do you still care about him?”

But before Sloan can open his mouth to swear he does not, lying to the very bone, their conversation is cut.

“Hi!”

Lexie is holding a basket with sweets and flowers bigger than her head, her face covered by ribbons and decorations.

Just when she wants to step in and give the basket to Meredith, the nurses confiscate it, leaving Lexie empty-handed with the corners of her mouth curling down. Upset, she lingers in the door, feeling stupid without her present.

Mark takes it as a perfect way out to put his plan in motion - it’s probably a dumb plan that he thought of a minute earlier, hearing Meredith ask about Derek. It is not thought-through, he has no clear monologue he will say to his… best friend? Ex-best friend? Ex-something?

“I will leave you to your devices, ladies,” He stands up and passes Lexie by. She smiles at him unsure and he nods his head to calm her insecurities down.

Like that, he is gone.

“Hi,” Lexie says again, fiddling with her fingers. “I- You know what, I’m sorry I came. I just was so worried about you and… But I am so happy you’re still here- I mean, I’m not happy you got admitted to the psych ward but-”

She is stumbling against her words which are shooting from her mouth like bullets, blending together. Meredith sees herself so badly in this picture - the self-doubt and rushing into her sentences, not knowing where to put the main point of the utterance. It’s like there is a mirror in front of her and she can see herself so clearly.

Before, she would never think Lexie and her might be even a little bit alike. But now, she sees; those little tiny clues that might lead her to a bigger discovery.

“Lexie…” Her voice is as kind as she can make it, but it doesn’t stop her half-sister.

“I know you don’t want me, Meredith. I know you have wonderful friends who are like family. I know you hate my father, and I get it because I would love to hate him, too,” Lexie is staring straight at her and Meredith admires that, not escaping her gaze when she opens herself up. “I know I’m the last person you would like to meet. But I still love you, and you’re still my sister and I’m not giving up on you. I will be fighting for you, even if you want to let go. So, you can kick me out but I’ll keep going back.”

“Lexie,” Meredith tries to speak more firmly now, sitting up in the bed.

“I swear I have so much to offer only if you would give me a chance. I- People tell me I’m more like my mom than dad and you liked my mother-”

“Lexie!”

At once, Lexie’s mouth shuts and she stops talking.

“Lexie, shush,” Meredith says, not able to hold back a smile. Despite her body shaking, has been for a good couple of minutes, she feels more at ease than she should in the state she’s in.

“Meredith?” Full of uncertainty, Lexie shuffles her feet.

“Stop talking and get into the bed with me,” Meredith watches in awe how Lexie’s face turns from fear into confusion into joy into stress, all within the span of several seconds. “I’m cold and shaking and I need someone to hold me to soothe it.”

“Oh,” Lexie’s brain shortcircuits for a moment. “Oh! Yes, of course!”

Meredith pushes the sides of the bed down to make it easier for Lexie to climb in.

“Shoes,” She says.

“Oh shit, sorry,” Lexie shakes them off when she is already halfway up the mattress.

Susan always held her when she was sick or heartbroken, brushing through her hair and whispering to her gently. Lexie doesn’t feel bold enough to speak softly to Meredith or brush her hair, so she only embraces her hand around the blonde’s waist. Their bodies curve in the same way; Lexie can’t tell if it’s the start of their sisterhood and doesn’t dare to ask.

She can’t tell how long they stay like this, but eventually, the trembling comes to a halt. Even then, none of them speaks, staying in the moment as long as possible before their little bubble is burst at the seams.

---

He needs to find this motherfucker right now.

Mark doesn’t even page Derek, wanting to catch him unexpectedly. Pacing from the psych through the corridors, he finally catches the sight of a ferryboat scrub cap around the corner, doctors leaving one of the ORs.

The corridor empties and it’s a perfect opportunity, so he rushes down the hallway and catches up with Derek, speeding before him and stopping him before he can get into the elevator.

“Mark,” Derek says, too surprised to get his usual portion of anger into his voice.

“Derek,” Sloan decides not to beat around the bush. “Did they tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

Shepherd puts his hands on his hips, while Mark crosses his on his chest. There is such a distance between them, not only physical.

“Meredith tried to drown again,” Mark looks around, thankfully not seeing any public for the scene that’s about to unfold. “Right after your theatrics in the hall.”

Derek's eyes open widely, mouth opening as he tries to form anything on his tongue. No one told him, no one mentioned it to him; he noticed Meredith was gone but how many times did she suddenly disappear from Seattle Grace just to come back as if nothing happened through the last quarter? He didn’t think anything of it.

“What are you talking about?” He says. “How is she doing?”

“Healing,” Mark thinks about Mer’s weak laughter and smiles. “Getting better.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“But I came here to warn you,” Mark’s hands untangle and he points his finger at Derek’s chest. “Don’t you ever do something like this again because the next time it won’t be only your nose that’s broken.”

Where he expects resistance and ungrateful violence, he finds surrender.

“I know,” Derek says quietly.

The feeling of fulfilment pours inside of Mark as he nods and decides to walk away. He protected Meredith, something he swore to himself a long time ago to do, he made sure she will be safe to come back to work without the fear of other hurtful words and harming presence of Derek.

But there is still a pain in his heart as he turns around, when he heads the other way, away from Derek Shepherd.

This thing, there is more about it. It is not only about Meredith.

It’s about him and Derek.

About the man he used to joke that was his other half, the other part of his soul, from childhood through adolescence straight into adulthood. He needs to finally spit out the words that have been burning him inside, the smoke tainting his lungs.

Laughing bitterly at his own hurt, Mark turns around, catching Derek off-guard once again.

“You know what, this is ridiculous,” He says, a bit too loudly as he faces the man again. “I came to
Seattle for you! I came to get you back! But it’s all worthless now because you are not the man I used to know, you are not the man I wanted.”

“You came for me?” Derek frowns, but something shines up in his eyes. Those little gleaming stars which disappeared when he began to make mistake after mistake; choosing violence every time when he should have chosen peace.

“Of course, it was for you!” Mark probably should stop yelling. The strain in his voice brings him physical discomfort. “It has always been you, Derek.”

There are many things he expects from Derek Shepherd.

A slap.

A silent treatment.

An escape.

But it would never be a kiss.

Time slows like in the movies when Derek crosses the ocean between them and puts both of his hands on Mark’s cheeks before leaning in and pressing a hard kiss on his lips. By intuition, Mark closes his eyes and kisses him back, as if that’s the most natural thing under the moon.

For this one moment, life is back on track, everything is fixed.

But then, Derek steps away, making Mark open his eyes and his heart caves in when the panic overtakes Shepherd.

He reaches out his hand to stop him but Derek steps back and giving him one last distraught look, he runs. Like a coward, he runs away, leaving Mark staring ahead of him, frozen in time.

What the hell just happened?

Notes:

every feedback will be highly appreciated<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer

Chapter 36: 'cause they see right through me

Notes:

hi guys!!
once again, i'm posting at random times because just as i thought life was getting better, i had the unfortunate circumstance of burying my aunt this week, so i'm trying to cope as best as i can and writing and editing this chapter did help. i really miss posting regularly, but i still don't know when i will come back to that.

but given 2023 is coming to an end, i have a lot to be thankful for.
if somebody told me that in one year i would gain so many readers and create such a big piece of a fanfiction, i'm not sure if i would believe them back in January. this is the longest piece of literature i've ever written and i put my entire heart in it and i love my meredith and addison with my whole heart, along with my baby lexie, mark, callie, cristina, and the entire gang.

thank you for every comment and kudos you left under TOHIBST this year. thank you for joining me in the first year of this story. i am forever thankful for all of you and i wish you the best new year 2024. i hope you spend next 366 days as best as you can and will stick by me when i drop in every now and then with a new chapter.

hope you enjoy this one:)

Meredith has a strong sense of deja vu, stepping out of the hospital through one of the back emergency exits. She fiddles with her fingers, the palms of her hands halfway hidden under a bit too long sleeves of her black coat that Addison brought her from home so she could take this walk.

The winter sun is very low on the horizon and blinds her eyes, so she looks down at the little miserable amount of snow that’s already melting. Little thin snowflakes are still falling from the sky and one of them lands on her nose, making her half-smile and half-grimace. It’s cold even when Addison stands right by her side, emanating warmth even in this weather.

“Do I really have to stay five more days?” She turns to Addison, not realising they are this close.

She can clearly see the pink on her cheeks and the tip of her nose, her eyes lighting up as the sun rays fall straight at her face. Every single flaw that Addison Montgomery does not have.

“They need to make sure your meds are working,” Addison doesn’t look at her at first, looking around as they begin to walk towards the park nearby. “And that you’re in a good mental state, enough to be let out back into the real world.”

“I am in the real world, see?” Meredith jogs a couple of meters forward before turning to Addison and beginning to do jumping jacks. “And I am doing amazing. Free. With the wind in my hair. I can’t stand another five days locked up.”

“I don’t make the rules,” Addison attempts to stay serious but to see that idiot running around like she is in a PE class makes her chuckle at the ridiculosity of the scene. “Don’t make me take you back to the hospital now.”

“Okay,” Meredith rolls her eyes and begins to jog around Addison, making circles while the brunette slowly walks towards the closest bench.

There is so much pent-up energy inside Meredith, that she barely can believe herself. She is not a jogging type - cross out that one time when Cristina was a pregnant whore - and before the hospital, she had zero energy and felt like dying. Well, quite literally… But now, she could jump and climb up every building and make pirouettes and become a pro athlete. The past ten days stuck either in the hospital bed or circling around the corridors until the nurses sent her back to her room were too much, especially after they took away the sedatives and left her only with her main medication.

Maybe it has something to do with those manic episodes her doctors have been talking about. Maybe it doesn’t. Either way, she has no idea what to do with all the energy inside her; this sudden power to take over the world and stop being someone who ruins everyone’s lives with her own problems.

“Come sit with me,” Addison tells her, already on the bench, tapping the place next to her.

When Meredith sits down, she feels a mixture of relief and anxiety. After being cooped up inside for what felt like an eternity, it is odd to sit and feel the fresh air invigorate her nervousness and restless energy even more. The world seems so big and overwhelming as the wind brushes through her blonde hair, and suddenly, she is not quite sure if she is ready to face it.

And Addison reads through her instantly.

Placing her hand on the jumping leg, she quietens down the anxiety built up inside of Meredith.

She has this ability to hush and dull every part of Meredith, each one she chooses.

When they look each other in the eyes, Meredith wants to scream all the questions ringing in her mind: why do you see right through me? How do you see right through me? And if you do, what exactly do you see? And do those things scare you away? Are you going to leave me? Are you sure you’re brave enough to realise that I cannot be put back together again? Are you the one who can stay?

Instead, she turns her gaze away, shameful and embarrassed for herself.

“Talk to me, Mer,” Addison says softly. Her heart breaks a little when she brushes a strand of blonde hair behind Meredith’s ear to expose her face to see a single tear rolling down her cheeks as she stares at the sad leafless trees.

“It’s like… I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask for help,” She confesses, voice small.

Addison listens to her patiently, nodding. She can’t offer any platitudes or quick fixes - she knows too well healing is going to be a long and difficult process, to get Meredith off her knees and watch her climb up the mountain, back where she used to hang. Sometimes all Addison knows, is that she can be there for Meredith.

The silence in the park is astounding - the cold wind and the first snowflakes all of a sudden take every ounce of energy Meredith had before.

“I want to go home,” She says abruptly, breaking the silence.

Addison hasn’t stopped looking at her, understanding in her eyes, “I know you do,” her words are soft, running gently into Mer’s ears. “And you will.” But Addison came to a certain realisation the day they brought the blonde into the hospital, hiding from the world what position she was in. She can’t be soft all the time, she can’t try to protect Meredith from the crashing reality; it didn’t work given where Grey ended up. “But you also know that it’s not going to be easy. There’s a lot of work to be done, and it’s going to take time.”

Meredith sighs, eyes still unmoving from the dead greenery surrounding them, “I know. I just… I want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be the half-dead girl, I don’t want…”

“I know.”

Honestly, Addison has been feeling cut in half for the past nine days, trying to keep it together for the good of Meredith, but she’s slowly tearing at the seams. She could sew herself back together, but all of her energy is focused on her pregnancy which has started kicking her ass with the morning sickness and this odd exhaustion, and the rest of the power she dedicates to Meredith.

Meredith shifts onto the bench until her arms touch Addison’s. She leans her head on her shoulder, sighing.

It’s not going to be easy, but the hope is not gone yet.

---

The four walls of the hotel room are getting to her.

At least that’s what Addie is telling herself when she falls onto the mattress of her luxurious king-sized bed and begins to sob like a kid. She cries for everything - for the pain of watching Meredith go back behind the big locked doors of the psych ward and for the pain that the blonde is drowning in again, after getting soberer and used to the medication. That’s where her tears begin but as she hugs the pillow, wailing, her reasonings land everywhere - her unhappy marriage and divorce, Mark breaking off their deal, the fear that got to her the moment Meredith let go of life and the feeling of being so lonely in her pregnancy.

She loves this baby more than anything - more than anyone, more than herself, frankly more than anything. And she wants to be happy for them, wants to be able to dance to the music while she is getting ready and feel peace once again. The same peace she felt either with Callie and Mark during their dinners or drinks, the same peace in the red cabriolet speeding down the Californian highways and the same peace when she held Meredith in her arms in bed - not because Meredith needed someone to save her but because the two of them were bathed in the serenity of holding one’s best friend and feel their heartbeat against one’s chest.

All she wants is to tell someone that there is a life growing inside of her, but the fear follows her that any time something might happen and the universe might take it away from her. And she is not sure she would survive that, not losing something again.

Not this baby.

Not when it’s the culmination of years in making, not when it’s her hopes and her dreams and everything she ever believed in.

Everything.

This way, the tears don’t stop falling and she feels so miserable staring at the white ceiling and beautiful chandelier. These things mean nothing. She is living in a hotel while she wants to be close to her friends and family, everything she believes in.

Knocking resounds through her room.

Addison sits up, confused; blinking with her swollen eyes, she decides to ignore it, hoping for anyone in front of the door. But that someone knocks again and again, and she gives up.

It must be a sign, right?

Cleaning up her face from mascara and smudged lipstick, she cannot do anything to the redness and puffiness. Clearing her throat, checking if she can speak without her voice wavering, she sighs and turns the doorknob open, eyes widening to see one of the people she’s been thinking about as she cried.

“Are you okay?” Callie greets her with a question when she takes in Addison’s appearance. Normally, she would push her way straight into the room, ready to rant about her day, but she can count the times she’s witnessed Addison be broken like this on the fingers of one hand. So that sets her in her place, worry written all over her face.

“I am not,” Addison says and steps aside. “Please, come in.”

Callie enters the hotel room, surprised to see the mess. Usually, Addison is neat everywhere - the wardrobe, the bathroom, the cupboards. It’s still tidy enough, but there are signs of chaos, of lack of time, of exhaustion.

“Addison, what is it…”

But one look at Addison’s devastated face and she knows.

“Meredith?”

“Meredith.”

Just like that, new tears spring from her eyes and Addison covers her mouth to quieten the sobs. Callie sits at the edge of the bed and taps the mattress next to her. The moment Addison sits next to her, she brings her into a big hug, holding her tight and letting her cry it out.

“You know she will be alright,” Callie tells her, voice soothing. “She is Meredith Grey. I’ve been asking Sloan about her and she seems stable. She will be alright, Addison. You just… You can’t carry the weight of the world alone, you can’t be the saviour while inside you cannot keep up with the pain.”

“I know,” Addison says once her heaving calms down and she is able to speak without choking. “I just can’t take any chances.”

“None of us can, Addison,” Callie sighs, circling calming movements on Addison’s back. “You can’t dedicate all of yourself to someone else and not take care of yourself. You can’t isolate yourself when life gets hard because there are people out there who deeply care about you and your well-being. And one of those people wants to ask you a big question tonight.”

That makes Addison move away from the hug, rising an eyebrow with a silent question as she tries to read Callie.

“Yang has officially moved out last night,” Callie begins, biting back a smile. “And I’ve grown to like sleeping on the couch. Which means the bedroom is empty…”

It’s like the sun came out after a storm when Addison finally breaks a smile.

“Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”

Callie rolls her eyes playfully, “Don’t make me beg you, Montgomery.”

“We’re gonna be roommates, then?”

“Obviously.”

“Oh my God!” Addison covers her mouth again, but this time it is to cover her happy squeal instead of sobbing. “I’m in. I am so in!”

“One hundred percent sure?”

“I’m in, Callie.”

That makes the two of them laugh and Addison sighs happily, feeling that she’s run out of tears for tonight. The sad ones, at least.

She can leave the sad lonely living in Archfield and move on to something new, something better. She hasn’t had a roommate like this since college and she can’t quite remember how it feels living with a friend; Derek was her husband and that makes him a completely different category. Somehow, Addison knows that Callie might end up being a much better company at the house than he was in the past years.

The exhaustion is the biggest reason why she lets Callie talk her into staying in the hotel and getting a good night of sleep in her comfortable bed. She knows Meredith will be okay one night alone, yet it still feels unfair. Torres, though, doesn’t give her a way out until Addison promises.

One night apart will not end up badly.

There is guilt drowning Addison and she falls asleep within ten minutes, letting the big arms of her dreams embrace her wholly.

---

After hours of being stuck in the pit, Lexie feels like dropping dead onto the hospital floor. She overheard last evening that Meredith was alone for the night so she snuck into the psych ward and after arguing with the nurses, she fought her way into Meredith’s room, just to find out that the blonde was already asleep. Not caring about that, she curled up on the chair and watched her half-sister through the whole night until the clock struck 6 a.m. and it was her time to find Doctor Yang and begin another shift.

All she wants is for the next three hours to pass quicker, so she can finally get home.

No.

She doesn’t want to get home. But she is too tired to spend another night in the hospital and the moment to see her father must come eventually, so she tries to brave herself into that while working her ass off.

Eventually, Cristina sends her off for fifteen minutes with pity on her face and usually, Lexie would stay to prove her wrong, to prove she can work more. But it’s one of those days.

She makes a beeline to the cafeteria and after picking some food, she drops on her chair alone at the table. Hunger fills her up even more when she feels the stress of going back home, so she eats it up with her chocolate pudding, a small pack of crisps and a sandwich. Food comforts her in a way that no one else does, because no one else knows.

“I need to pack everything tonight.”

Lexie instantly straightens up, hearing conversation at the table on the left from her; she hasn’t talked to someone aside from her resident in such a long time, and she is longing for some human interaction. Even if she is eavesdropping.

She takes a peek at Addison Montgomery eating one of the puddings and talking to Mark Sloan, who appears to be much more focused on staring across the room at Doctor Shepherd.

“That’s a shame,” Mark hums, eyes turning holes in Shepherd’s face. Lexie turns her focus on the neurosurgeon and the man clearly knows someone is staring at him, but he stays with his face pointed downwards on the table.

“Are you even listening to me, Mark?”

“Sure I am, Red.”

“You just keep staring at the nurses,” Addison hits him with a newspaper.

Their conversation ends soon as Sloan gets pages and when he gets up, Lexie sees Shepherd rise abruptly and turn to the exit, rushing out of the cafeteria. Sloan’s shoulders slump and he sighs, turning to a different exit.

It’s hard to know what pushes Lexie to the next thing - loneliness, the eager feeling to help out someone or the fact she has taken a big liking to Addison - but she stands up from her table and sits across Addison, smiling.

“Doctor Montgomery?”

Addison looks up from her phone, eyes growing bigger at the sight of Lexie. They haven’t talked since the disastrous day spent at Meredith’s house.

“Oh! Lex- Doctor Grey, hello,” She graces Lexie with a kind smile.

“I overheard you’re moving and I would be happy to help you out,” Lexie proposes, honest enthusiasm in her voice. “I’m really great at packing things. Really. It’s like Tetris. And I am amazing at Tetris.” When Addison doesn’t answer right away, clearly surprised, Lexie feels dumb for jumping on the colleague - more like a boss - without any announcement. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t h-”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Addison chuckles, trying to calm Lexie’s anxieties. “I would really appreciate your help, the rest of my friends are busy tonight and I want to move out of the hotel as soon as possible.”

“That’s great,” Lexie feels relief when Addison agrees.

“I’ll find you when I’m finished, okay, Lexie?”

There is warmth spilling inside of her when Addison calls her by her name. The way it always did when her mom called her name, and when she hugged her tightly.

Addison reminds her of Susan in so many ways; she feels like dawn in June, the sun rays creeping through the white curtains, playing with shadows on the floor. It almost brings Lexie some kind of safety, which she hasn’t felt ever since her mother’s funeral. Ever since that, her life has been grey and dull and tainted with deep fear. She needs family, friends of any kind and she is willing to stay up all night again just to pack those damn boxes with Doctor Montgomery, if it means staying in her glowing presence.

“Sure,” She grins and watches Addison wave at her before walking out of the cafeteria.

Unfortunately, the rest of her shift outlies impossibly and the minutes go fifty times slower than they should. All she waits for is for Addison to come to the pit to get her and tell Doctor Yang she is taking her away for the rest of the night. She does her work as best as she can, but Cristina always finds flaws in her job; at this point, she is even too tired to prove it differently.

The second the brown curls of Doctor Montgomery flash in the pit, Lexie almost runs out of there straight to the interns' room to change back into her clothes.

In her jeans and her red coat, she stops herself from skipping down the stairs to the hospital main entrance where Addison is waiting for her. She begins to ramble like an idiot the moment they step outside, heading to the parking lot. And the best part - Addison attentively listens to her, nodding and commenting at the right moments, asking questions to prolong her moment to talk.

As they drive through the rainy Seattle; the snow from yesterday has quickly turned over into a downpour - Addison brushes through her hair and sighs.

“Do you think I should go back to red?” She asks, parking at the back of Archfield Hotel and opening the mirror in the car.

“You’re a natural redhead?” Lexie feels surprised, given there aren’t any visible roots.

“Not really,” Addison says. “But I’ve been dying my hair red for almost twenty years and a couple of months ago something possessed me to go back to brown but to make it a richer colour. I miss red, though, a lot. Mark still calls me Red and I think it fits me better.”

“You look very pretty as a brunette,” Lexie smiles, as they leave the car and rush around the building to the entrance, escaping the rain. Adding as they head to the elevator, Lexie tries not to gawk at the fancy interior, “But if you feel better as a redhead, I think you should embrace it.”

“I think that’s what I’ll do.”

They get to work almost instantly after entering the door to the hotel suite. First, Addison makes sure Lexie isn’t hungry or doesn’t want anything to drink, and even when Grey says she is fine, Addison calls for the room service, three plates filled with food and two steaming cups of green tea arriving as they set the cardboard boxes on the floor and write what sections will be hidden in which with a black marker.

It is a tedious task, one that takes hours, especially with the enormous collection of Addison’s high heels which Lexie is very impressed by. Their conversations are filled with laughter and sharing random stories, while Addison rummages throughout her closet, trying to find which pieces she will keep in this new chapter of her life, and which she should donate, no longer serving who she became.

But one question lingers in Lexie’s mind because she knows she would be asking the best person this.

“I know it’s probably not the best timing, given everything that happened,” She begins, sitting on the floor, neatly folding the satin blouses that Addison has thrown onto one pile. “But I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to get to know her… What Meredith is like?”

Addison looks at her, gaze heavier than she wants it to appear,” She is… a lot of things.”

For a moment, Addison stays by the wardrobe, trying to sort her clothes out but one mention of Meredith and her mind goes blank. But she understands Lexie’s neediness to find out more about her sister, whether half or not. She realises Meredith has not been her best self towards Lexie and she cannot blame her; but Addison can’t be mean to Lexie, as well.

Lexie, who is staring at her with this doe-eyed look in her eyes, dreamy about the person her half-sister might be.

“Meredith’s beauty is hidden in the kindness and the need to help everyone. But herself. That’s where her weakness is - that’s why she ended up in the hospital. Her heart is too big,” Addison tries not to get emotional and fails, so she heads over to the bed and sits down, taking one of the hot teas in her hands. “I know you might not have seen her from this side, but once she opens her heart for you, there is just this cascade of warmth that surrounds you and makes you sleep better at night. She is like sunrays after rainy days, peaceful waves after a storm, gentle breeze after you fought a hurricane for weeks. Once she cares about something, she gives all of her soul into it. And her mind… she is so bright. So smart. Her empathy connected to her knowledge creates someone extraordinary. And I hope she realises this, too. I hope she finally gets the professional help she needs. Because Meredith deserves to have a good life and not fight with her demons every single day.”

“You talk about her so beautifully,” Lexie is smiling softly, hoping deep inside she once feels that love from Meredith; all she can pray for is to find a family in her; once Molly has moved out and forgotten about her and her father… “It makes me want to love someone so badly, too.”

“Do you have a person in mind?” Addison asks her, lips pressed against the cup.

“No, I don’t think so,” Lexie reaches out for her tea and sips on it between words. “I’ve never had these strong feelings about someone. But…” She rolls her eyes. “This is stupid.”

“It’s not,” Addison puts her cup down on the nightstand and gets up back to the wardrobe, thinking if she is not observing carefully every expression on Lexie’s face, the girl might open up more easily. “Don’t leave your attending hanging.”

“Alright.”

But Lexie takes her time and Addison doesn’t try to rush her. She feels like Lexie Grey has a lot to offer, either as a colleague or as a friend and she just needs someone to stick around, to feel that someone is truly listening to her. And Addison wants to be that person, so eventually she could help two sisters build a connection to last; having herself a new friend is tempting as well. Lexie needs someone right now to hear her out and Addison needs someone to keep her company for the last night in this haunting forsaken hotel room.

They can take care of each other for tonight and see where that leads them.

So, Addison waits until Lexie dares to voice what’s been sitting on her mind.

“Sometimes, I get this feeling…” Lexie begins, hesitantly as she closes box number three and collects golden jewellery surrounding her on the floor to pack it inside to the fourth one. “Like I’m on the edge of meeting this person. I know soulmates are a dumb concept and it is idiotic to believe in them, they can’t be real. But in the past, I’ve never felt like this. Now, however, I lay in bed and feel like they are close. Not in Seattle but they will come here. It’s wishful thinking, either way. Well.”

Addison pauses in her sorting and turns to look at Lexie, “I don’t think it’s idiotic to believe in soulmates, Lexie,” She says softly. “I think they exist. It’s not a guarantee everyone will find theirs, but I do believe there is someone out there for each of us. And I hope yours come around soon.”

Lexie appears surprised for someone to take her on a serious note, “You do?”

“I do,” Addison sits on the floor in front of the lower shelves where her nightwear and documents are hidden. “I think soulmates exist, but not necessarily in the way we’ve been taught to believe. I think we all have many soulmates of different kinds - romantic, platonic, even familial. And I believe when you find the right one, it just clicks. You know?”

The smile that blooms on Lexie’s face is an honest one, after days spent smiling to people on cue to make her look like she is getting by and holding up, “Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s just hard to keep believing sometimes.”

As Addie turns back to hide her things in one of the halfway-filled cardboard boxes, she hopes her words comfort the girl, “But I also think that if you give up on the idea completely, you’re closing yourself off to a lot of potential happiness. Keep the hope alive, Lexie. Your soulmate might be closer than you think.”

Both of them get lost in thoughts for a short second, falling into a comfortable silence. Some of the hope lost a long time ago awakens in Lexie; the feeling starts deep in her bones and she sighs, feeling some of the weight of her shoulders fall away.

Thankfully, Addison feels the same. Not because she’s lost her hope for soulmates, but because being with someone so pure and innocent brings her hope for other things. For a better tomorrow.

“I just…” Lexie speaks up after a couple of minutes as she writes with the marker on the box. “I don’t know if they’re a boy or a girl or someone else.”

It makes Addison pause in her packing and she looks at Lexie with a smile, “Whoever they are, they better treat you right.”

“You don’t mind?” Lexie hasn’t had a lot of experience in coming out and never felt like she should do it - because it belongs deeply to herself and her sexuality shouldn’t be put to a discussion, yet she feels grateful for Addison’s immediate support.

“How can I mind when I’m bisexual myself?” Addison replies, matter-of-factly.

To say it like that, like it doesn’t change anything - it frees Addison. Being queer shouldn’t be a political statement, shouldn’t change anything, but out there, in the real world, it is. Here, although, behind the closed doors and between the four walls it doesn’t have to mean anything.

Lexie’s eyes widen in surprise, “Oh,” She says at first, feeling the lack of words. “Well, I think I’m pansexual.”

“We should stick together then,” Addison turns to look at Lexie who is moving the boxes around. “By the-”

Her voice is cut off as she silences suddenly, her heart stopping.

Lexie’s sleeves roll up when she rises her hands to pick up a box. Yellow and purple bruises marking and blooming on the tender skin of her wrists appear in sight. When the sleeves hike up even higher without Grey realising, she sees more of them on her forearms.

“Thank you, Addison,” Lexie says, turning her back to Addison for a moment and a second later, she realises what can be seen. She pulls the sleeves down and when she peeks behind her to see if Addison notices, Montgomery sets her gaze on the floor where all of her belts are laying, looking like she is too focused on them to look at Lexie. “It means a lot to me.”

“Of course, Lexie,” Addison tries to keep her voice from hesitating. “That’s what friends are for.”

But no matter how hard she tries to bring her focus back on the conversation, her eyes still see the shape of hands and fingers imprinted on the fragile skin.

There have been signs before. If only Addison realised they are just pieces of the whole puzzle piece, but she was too caught up - in her pregnancy, in Meredith, in all the little problems which together make up her small world. But the flinching, the wringing of hands, how Lexie jumped a bit when someone raised their voice and recoiled when Addison accidentally brushed against her or touched her on a whim.

Someone is hurting her.

Of course, she could ask right now - but she knows, after years of working in different hospitals and meeting with every kind of abuse - she would only get disagreements and raise that high amount of anxiety it would scare Lexie forever far away, slip out of her hands - so she can’t just start the topic, demanding her to show the bruises and tell her who did them.

Instead, she acts like nothing happen to form a plan when she is alone and thinks the situation through.

They are done only a quarter before midnight and Lexie looks like she might drop dead any minute now as the two of them push all of the boxes into the corner of the hotel room. With each minute that is closer to them ending the labour of packing things, Lexie’s face shows more and more tension.

Addison almost says something but then understands.

She is afraid to go home.

“Alright then,” Addison straightens her back and stretches her hands to the ceiling. “I need to go back to the hospital, but it’s pretty late and I don’t want you to go into the night like this. Maybe would you like to stay over here for the night? You’ll give me the hotel card tomorrow morning.”

“That’s so nice of you,” Lexie smiles. “But I wouldn’t want to impose, I’ll just get a cab home.”

“I mean it,” Addison finds the card in her purse and places it on the nightstand. “Make yourself at home, I see you are exhausted. I won’t be here anyway so you are free to do as you wish. The number for the room service is written down next to the room phone.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Thank you so much,” Relief floods Lexie’s face and all the little signs of fear disappear at the perspective of staying in the safety of Archfield Hotel.

It’s heartbreaking to see someone so happy about not going back home.

Home, which is supposed to be this safe haven. A place to let down your defences, to admit to your defeats and to have a shoulder to cry on, an arm which can hold you and embrace you. The one place in the world where hatred doesn’t reach you and despite arguments with others, you forgive each other and share the warmth of having the same home. Full of gratitude and peace, the definition of safety.

The world is messed up like this - to have someone appreciate a strange hotel room to hide in and dread coming back to a place they are supposed to call home.

Saying her goodbyes and making sure the door is locked for Lexie to stay calm, she drives to Seattle Grace without even turning the radio on. Silence and the raindrops falling against the windows bring Addison in this dark mood to think how to save someone who most likely won’t let her save them.

This time, when she sneaks through the hospital to the psych ward, it’s more for her own comfort than Meredith’s.

Despite Meredith being already asleep, Addison shakes off her heels and unzips her trousers to let her stomach breathe before climbing into the bed and hugging Meredith from behind.

The blonde shifts and hums through her sleep, nuzzling backwards into Addison.

“I’ll watch over us, Mer,” Addison whispers, closing her eyes. “I’ll whisk every single demon away.”

Notes:

every comment makes me go batshit crazy and dance my happy little dance lol
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my spotify meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=097c6ceb29c04feb

Chapter 37: it's like we burn so bright we burn out

Notes:

hi guys!!! i’m back with happy news! we’re back posting every monday!! i have a couple of chapters written and i decided to share them with you all until i run out of content loll. i'm on hiatus when it comes to writing TOHIBST because i’ve begun working on my original novel project, so i hope you understand if i’m not focusing on this story right now. although we still do have two months or more of weekly updates 😁😁😁 i thought maybe i will get out of my depression hole if i bring myself back into this routine because it kept me very motivated in the first half of 2023.

i hope you’ll enjoy this small return🤍 thank you for waiting for me all this time:)

ps i got a question, more personal, but i am looking for some guidance. how did you know it’s time to move out of your family household? i have an opportunity to move to a city 3 hours away but to be frank with you all i am scared, especially to leave my younger sibling and my pets. maybe some of you have some advice on that matter? i would appreciate any input from you🫶

Everything finally falls back on track when Cristina drives on her motorbike to Seattle Grace and parks next to Meredith’s car.

Her whole world is repaired just by this moment - walking into the hospital and she notices the flash of blonde ponytail moving as Meredith is talking to the Chief just a couple of meters away from the entrance, smiling and nodding. She watches as Richard puts his hand on Meredith’s shoulder gently, hugging her sideway before pointing towards a pair of men in suits and walking towards them. Meredith watches him for a moment and then turns to the entrance as if she is expecting to see Cristina there.

The smile she gives her doesn’t look faded and Cristina decides to take it for what it is.

“Why are you so late here?” Meredith asks when Yang is in earshot, but instead of an answer, she is suddenly pulled into a tight hug, gasping.

Cristina doesn’t give a fuck about where they are or who might be watching, even if it’s those dumb interns of hers. All she cares about is Meredith standing in the one place she belongs to, and it’s not the dark ward of the hospital she spent over two weeks in. That she is back in the game and Cristina doesn’t have to lay in bed sleepless, because the moment she falls asleep, she has nightmares of big waves and dead bodies on the shore.

“Wow, what is that for?” Meredith asks, still caught between the strong arms, eventually putting her arms around Cristina as well.

“For your idiocy,” Cristina says and finally lets go of her person. “And I’m late because apparently despite I’ve moved three blocks away, the traffic somehow is twenty times worse.”

“You’ve moved already?” Meredith rises her eyebrows in surprise as they begin to walk towards the elevators.

“Yeah.”

Cristina doesn’t really know if she should have said something earlier during her visit hours in the psych ward, but she felt like reminding Meredith about the real world outside might trigger something inside of her. Instead, she settled on gossiping about their friends and making fun of them, which kept Mer’s spirits up. But perhaps she shouldn’t have kept everything away from her - because when they stop in front of the elevator, pressing the button, Meredith looks lost.

“Wow,” Meredith says. “I’m sorry I’ve missed it.”

“You didn’t miss anything,” Cristina shrugs, trying to make it as little important as possible. “It was tiring and messy and I’m not moving houses for the next ten years.”

“Fair, but I’m coming over tonight.”

“Obviously you are,” Cristina smirks thinking about getting wasted for the new apartment but then she remembers about Meredith’s medication. Remembers that things have changed fundamentally and maybe it was only two weeks but she has a feeling that those two weeks brought more changes than the past three months did.

When they get inside the elevator and begin to laugh about non-crucial things, Cristina thinks that yes, perhaps things have changed, but they are still Meredith and Cristina. Twisted sisters from the beginning until the end, dark and twisted as always. It doesn’t matter the tequila times might have come to an end; they are a pair of whores and don’t need alcohol to have fun. They just need each other and their dumb friends to make fun of.

Meredith is here.

And Cristina couldn’t be happier to have her by her side, back to the routine.

---

The ringing of the alarm in her phone wakes Addison up instantly. She groans, burrowing her face into the mattress of the bottom bunk in the on-call room and despite she’s gotten six full hours of sleep, as the hour on the device tells her, she still wishes she could hide for a bit more.

Last night, she had completely different plans - go back home earlier to make some use of her new bedroom in the apartment she shares with Callie and drive to Seattle Grace in the morning. But instead, she stayed longer just to keep Lexie’s company as the intern had to do additional work in the clinic, and then, when it was inevitable for the girl to go back home, the hour was so late that Addison just crashed in one of the free beds in the hospital.

Now, it’s time for the day to begin and with the way her mind is blurring and dizzying, she stumbles out of the on-call room. She thinks today is a date she should remember, but instead, she heads to the bathroom to freshen herself up a bit, deciding to worry about what she is forgetting later.

Alone in the room, she pulls up her shirt to look at the tiniest of bumps on her stomach. Her hand gently caresses her belly, smiling into the mirror, watching it.

The baby is about the size of a plum, and their appearance is changing - eyes are supposed to move closer and ears closer to their final position. The nervous system is continuing to mature. They can curl their ten toes as they practice opening and closing fingers and sucking their thumb, too.

Despite working in the career for so many years and knowing every single thing about babies that Addison could ever learn, she is still reading her textbooks about the development, week by week, day by day. She hides them between the bed like a teenager hiding their diary when Callie is home and she pulls them out only late at night or when the apartment is empty.

Six more weeks until she has to fly to Los Angeles again and find out the gender - and honestly, she couldn’t care less. It’s all about health and every day she makes a little prayer, who knows if to God or the universe, to keep her and the baby safe and healthy. For now, it’s been working out.

Leaving the bathroom, she heads down the hallway on the left and when she notices her roommate with Erica Hahn, she smiles to herself before approaching them.

“Hello, ladies,” She stops by on Callie’s left and leans against the counter of the nurses’ station, joining her colleagues. “What are we looking at?” Noticing both Callie and Erica are looking from side to side.

“At men,” Callie says quietly, eyes focused on both sides of the corridor.

That answer surprises Addison and she doesn’t cover it, “Men? What for? They are all the same.”

“Accurate,” Doctor Hahn hums with a small smile. “But watch this. It always happens in the same place, at the same time.”

Addison leans further, tapping a quick rhythm on the surface as she waits for whatever is supposed to happen in front of their eyes. The three of them are completely silent, the background noise of nurses speaking and doctors passing by, until Mark appears, circling down the corner and his smile stretches out on his lips the moment he notices a random blonde nurse standing alone. Too focused on her, he doesn’t even pay attention to the three women which two he calls his friends.

“He’s going to try to talk the nurse into going to an on-call room-” Callie begins.

Hahn finishes for her, “-and he is going to fail.”

“So nothing’s new,” Addison chuckles at the terrible attempts of Mark to get some. “Nurses are still fighting against him being a whore.”

Callie sways her hips to hit Addison’s to shush her, “Wait for it.”

Just like in a magic clock once Callie’s words fall out of her mouth, their heads turn right where Derek appears from the corner, holding some file of documents in his hands, barely watching where he is standing his feet.

“There he is!” Callie exclaims excitedly.

It makes Addison frown - since the dramatic scene in the hall, no one has been a fan of Derek Shepherd; even more, Callie has never been his fan - “I literally caught him and Meredith having adulterous McSex, how can I like him?” - so what’s happening right now?

“Here we go,” Erica murmurs, enough for only their trio to hear.

“What’s going on?” Addison must ask, her eyes jumping from Mark that still hasn’t noticed his ex-best friend, talking to the nurse to oblivious Derek, strolling down the hallway and reading the pages.

“Give him three seconds… One…” Callie begins the counting and Erica catches it instantly.

“Two…”

“Three.”

Derek stops walking, as if remembering something and looks up straight ahead, his whole body freezing. His eyes grow bigger and he can’t even see he has an audience in this little show - the pair of piercing blue eyes stuck at one person as if the world around him stopped existing.

It’s such a fearful look that it surprises Addison to her core - she used to know this man and was with him so long that she should know this look, should know every single one. Yet, this is a new one - showing the longing fear of being caught with something, fear of facing the truth. She still can read Derek but has no idea why would getting a fist in his face cause such fear of Mark. That man never showed he was afraid of something, even more of confrontation. No, Derek Shepherd, the ghost of him, his past self, would head down the corridor to hit Mark back.

Her eyes have a hard time pulling away from that facial expression, but she needs to see the way Mark reacts.

She looks at him exactly the moment his eyes leave the pretty blonde and falls on his nemesis across the corridor. Instead of hatred and anger Addison expects, there is confusion yet some kind of need. Whether it is to speak up or to hit Derek again, for the hell of it, she doesn’t know. But she knows this look, at least this time.

“What the…” Addison whispers under her breath.

“Derek.”

Mark’s voice carries on through the corridor. It’s stable and certain as if he already knows what to say.

When his foot takes the first step forward, that’s what sends Derek off running. Turning on his heels, he rushes down the way he came from, making Mark stop and sigh.

“There it is,” Callie says and winks when Mark looks at her. “The male drama.”

Sloan ignores the three of them and also heads down the corridor, leaving them without any explanation of what just went down and what are the reasons.

“That was weird,” Addison says and turns to look at Torres and Hahn. “They usually throw hands and make a fuss. Derek doesn’t… run. Escape. I mean, he always did with me because it was a matter of hearts and a romantic relationship. But it’s not like that between him and Mark. I expected everything but not this.”

Erica laughs at that, “The scene you just saw happens every single day, or maybe every two days, like in a clock.”

“Did you talk to Mark?” Addison aims this question at Callie.

“The moment I say Shepherd’s name, he leaves without a word.”

“This is getting weirder and weirder.”

“I’ve seen today’s show, now I can get back to work,” Erica smiles at the two of them and nods before leaving and heading the same way that Derek has just escaped to.

Addison frowns, focused and trying to remember the details of everything she has just witnessed. She tries to find any clue, any small element that might tell her what’s going on, anything - she firmly believed she would be watching an MMA fight when Derek appeared on the horizon, or even a simple argument, for God’s sake. Not a damn scene brought straight out of a classic novel - running down the castle hallways, kissing in the rain.

“Callie, this is very weird,” Her eyes find Callie who isn’t phased as badly as Addison, probably used to seeing this.

“I know,” Torres sighs and shrugs. “ But what can we do about it? They’re men, their egos won’t let us react.”

---

Meredith is tired more easily after over two weeks of laying in the hospital bed; she is completely out of it but doesn’t dare to show any weakness to any of her colleagues - whether it’s a friend or someone further away.

First reason? The whispers about her whereabouts can be heard in every corner of Seattle Grace - everyone is willing to find out the truth. Was it vacation? Was she suspended? Was she what the Chief’s speech in the hall was about? So many questions and most of them come into her ear when no one thinks she is listening.

But her friends and Richard and Bailey stay quiet, just like the doctors who took care of her in the psych ward. They are like a wall protecting her from the high waves of the truth which might spill over any moment; this loyalty and this beautiful connection to keep her safe and sound, so no one dares to comment on her situation with mental health makes her heart grow.

It might be a bit annoying to be a resident and still have the careful eye of Miranda Bailey watching her every move, and for Richard to suspiciously often stroll through the hallways just where she is working. But when Mark comes around, he always makes her laugh and he always reminds her of the stupidest things under the sun - it’s his own way of making sure the first day back carries on perfectly fine and she doesn’t feel like hiding in a broom closet and crying her eyes out.

She probably would do that, if it wasn’t for all the eyes tracking her every single move.

Second reason? Meredith has already put everyone through enough hellish flames to make them worry even more. The worst is behind her and with the medication she got from the hospital, hidden now in the kitchen cupboards in the same exact spot Ellis Grey’s ashes used to be laying, she puts her faith in the magical work of quetiapine.

There might be a third reason, yet she is too scattered with her mind to think about it - even more when she gets paged by Addison to the workers’ bathroom and happily walks down the hallways to finally reunite with her favourite person on her first day of work.

When she walks into the bathroom, reality hits her.

Addison would call her to meet up - cafeteria, outside or inside - not a fucking bathroom, the one which no one ever uses.

The quiet crying in one of the stalls makes Meredith freeze but she finds her voice,” Addie? You paged me.”

“Something is wrong,” Addison says between quiet sobs. “Something is very wrong.”

The memories of when Meredith came to meet with Addison two months earlier just to find out she is pregnant, come crashing at her. But the sobbing brings her out of the joyful memories and she hurries to the middle stall, opening the door.

She finds Addison in a black dress that’s hiked around her hips and her panties at her feet as the brunette is wiping tears away from her face. When she looks up at Meredith, it almost breaks Grey in half - the apprehension is overflowing and making every second of the moment more serious - the mascara marking her rosy cheeks.

Meredith crouches in front of her, closing the stall to make sure no one witnesses the dread and despair, “Addison, what’s going on?”

“My stomach hurts and I’m spotting,” With a trembling hand she points at her panties and Meredith sees the brown and red blood on the material. “And-” She takes a shaky breath, like she is running out of oxygen. “I know spotting doesn’t have to mean anything but- I’m twelve weeks and… Meredith.”

Her voice cracks when she says her name, and she covers her mouth, beginning to hyperventilate. Her chest rises and falls rapidly and the sobbing gets louder and everything is falling out of control.

That’s when calmness sets in Meredith. She knows she has to be level-headed here, the one to stop the upcoming panic attack and be the rescuer this time.

“Okay, stay calm,” She says gently, softly taking Addison’s hand in her stable one. “Addie, everything is okay. But you need to stay calm,” With a delicate move, she brings the hand where her heartbeat can be felt, right above her left breast. “Breathe with me.”

“I can’t fly to Los Angeles now,” Addison says distraught as if she trying to find any way out of the situation without spilling her secret to every living person in Seattle Grace. “And I don’t have a doctor here.”

“Addison,” Meredith raises her voice just a bit, to break through the wall that Addison keeps building brick by brick, her mind far away from this bathroom. “Stop thinking for a moment. Focus on me. Focus on breathing together.”

After a couple of minutes, the sobbing finally turns into soft cries and her breathing evens out.

“Mer, I feel faint,” Addison speaks up suddenly, breaking their rhythm of inhaling together. “I…”
Just like that, Addison shifts from the toilet, her consciousness slipping away.

“Oh, fuck, Addie!” Meredith gets up and catches the woman at the last moment before she falls onto the floor, hitting the wall of the stall. “Stay with me. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Addie!”

With one hand, she reaches for the pager and pages the only person that Addison would allow to find out about the secret.

---

Staring at the closed doors in the darkened corridor does the worst things to Meredith’s imagination. She is crouching, her back resting against the cold wall, only because when she tries to stand up, her knees buckle and she fails to stand up straight. Nervously looking around, she hopes no one gets the idea to take a walk around the abandoned part of the hospital that is closed until tomorrow when the renovation of all the rooms and the hallway begins. Knowing there is still equipment in one of the rooms, that’s where she brought Addison who was barely aware of what was happening, her mind hazy after the fainting.

Meredith is biting her nails until the metallic taste of blood appears on her tongue; then, she raises the other hand to her mouth and continues the bad habit. Her eyes are turning holes into the white door that surprisingly well keeps the sound inside, without the chance for anyone to spy.

The moment it opens, her heart rises into the sky and falls deep under the ground at the same time.

“How is she?” Meredith stands up, ignoring how her legs shake. God, how is she going to survive the birth? She can’t even go through an unfortunate complication, which she hopes is a one-time thing.

“She is fine,” Bailey says, her hand on the handle as she pushes the door a bit further, a clear suggestion for Mer. “Let her take her time.”

Instead of rushing instead, as Meredith’s heart is telling her to do, she nods and lingers before entering. She doesn’t notice how her mentor’s eyes turn soft at her reaction, she doesn’t see how Miranda Bailey sees right through her and her love bundled down deep inside of her.

It’s hard, to brave herself into facing Addison, but Meredith tries to keep her gentle smile when Addison’s eyes find hers instantly.

“Meredith,” Addison breathes out, the most beautiful smile on her face. As if the simple sight of her favourite person manages to bring her out to the top from the darkness.

“I’m sorry.”

Meredith’s voice is a mere whisper when she stands by the edge of the examination bed.

A frown graces Addison’s face, “What are you sorry for?”

“I should have taken you seriously right away and not pushed you to-”

“Hey,” Addison reaches out with her hand, putting it on Meredith’s cheek to bring her attention. “You did what I always do for you. None of it is your fault.”

“Alright, I need to proceed further with the examination since Doctor Montgomery is conscious now,” Miranda cuts through before the two of ‘friends’ change proceeding with the examination into proceeding full into a make-out session. “Grey, wait outside. Close the door.”

“I-” Meredith turns to look at Addison one last time, who nods with a smile. “Okay.”

She makes her way out and closes the door gently, leaving Addison with Miranda.

As Bailey puts on medical gloves, one look of her eyes and the secret is out of the box; there is no point in disagreeing or denying - Miranda Bailey is no fool and Addison knows it too well. She’s found companionship with the woman previously and it… feels good as she waits for it to be said out loud.

“Pregnant, huh,” She says, the blue latex slapping against the skin of her wrists. “I knew there was something going on. You were too pretty and too glowy.”

“Well, thank you,” Addison chuckles, a doe-eyed look in her stare. “Yeah… I’ve decided it’s time. I’m only twelve weeks.”

“Where are we ever going to find out?” Humming, she looks at Addison. “Or were you going to come to the hospital with a baby one day?”

Addison rolls her eyes, “Obviously the second option.”

While Bailey sets the bed to be at the right height and turns on the devices she will be needing, walking around the room to connect the wires since everything has been turned off for the renovation, Addison plays with her necklace. It’s not the first time Bailey would be examining her - the poison ivy incident still ringing funny in her mind. What a different person she was back then - married to a man who didn’t love her anymore, trying to hate the woman that is now her confidante and companion in life. Friendless in the city she hated, in the trailer she wanted to burn down. Depressed, unworthy of love and forgotten.

Now, she has her family here, a bit messy, a bit crooked. But hers.

“I was afraid,” She finally admits once Bailey turns everything on. “You know how life is; the moment you get happy and receive everything that you prayed for years, it takes it away. I wanted to come clean about it in January, in the second trimester. I wanted to be safe.”

The thing about Addison Montgomery - once she opens her heart to you and concedes what’s been a pain to her, you just melt. At least, that’s what happens to Bailey every goddamn time; because Addison smells nice, is the kindest soul to meet and saves babies which makes her impossible to hate, impossible to look at her badly. And seeing her open up about fears and showing how much she already loves the child that’s growing inside of her, it makes Miranda brush off the strict words she would normally say.

“You have no responsibility explaining yourself to me,” She says. “If having a secret baby is what you want to do, I am here for you. And I won’t speak a word.”

“Thank you.”

“Now let’s check on you and the baby, okay?” Delicately, she pulls the material of Addison’s dress and begins to put the gel on her stomach.

“Okay,” Addison meekly agrees.

“Stop shivering,” Bailey chuckles. “No need to panic.”

“Right.”

The fear doesn’t disappear, yet she manages to take her body under control and stop the trembling that crept up on her from behind. No need to panic. No need. To panic.

---

Fifteen minutes later, they are sure the baby is absolutely okay, developing as they’re supposed to and the distress today wasn’t caused by any physical condition. At this point, Addison is as healthy as a horse and the baby is still the size of a plum, weighing maybe as much as three grapes. They listen to the heartbeat for a short moment, and it only makes the pregnancy more real.

It’s happening. Her baby’s heart is still beating, still strong and only going to get stronger. A little fighter inside of her. If she is able to love them so much after twelve weeks of pregnancy, isn’t her own heart going to combust once they arrive into the world?

“Okay, Addison,” Bailey hands her paper towel to clear her stomach as she sits up on the bed. “You’re both okay, physically. But I’m more worried about your emotional state and mental health.”

“I’m…” She pulls the dress down, covering her body once it’s clean. “I’ve been good.”

She is a terrible liar. Just terrible.

“The distress in your stomach and the spotting is almost one hundred percent caused by severe stress,” Bailey’s words hit her harder than she would expect to.

“But I am not-”

“Montgomery, do not bullshit me here,” When Miranda lowers her voice for certain someone outside not to here, Addison knows she is done, losing the battle. “All of us have witnessed someone we love attempting suicide. And you have been the closest to it, out of everyone. It messes with a person. It leaves a mark.”

“But what can I do, Miranda?” Addison’s voice is also a murmur, unstable and exposed. “I can’t leave Meredith. I can’t let her be alone.”

“I didn’t say you have to leave her. But you don’t have to- hell, you can’t be glued together all the time. Give each other space before it brings one of you down. I know you are best friends or whatever but you can’t be stuck together this way. Take a rest. You’re not a caretaker. She’s got good friends to help her in moments when you can’t find the energy to fight someone else’s battles.”

Quiet or loud, Addison stops caring. The first tear springs from her left eye and she wipes it off instantly, she doesn’t want to trouble anyone with her feelings and messy emotions.

“I’m just so frightened, all the fucking time,” She manages to spell without choking on her tears. “That she’s going to attempt again. All the damn time. I am scared to move. I am scared to breathe.”

Bailey is tender when she puts her hand around Addison’s shoulders and gently pulls her in, Addison’s head resting against her chest as she cries quietly, careful so the sounds of it don’t leave the examination room. The soft shush from the resident calms down her fears for this short moment.

“That’s why I’m sending you off back home,” Miranda says, brushing down her ponytail. “Alone. Watch TV, eat something good and sleep it off. I’ll cover for you. Distance yourself before it all gets unhealthy.”

“Can I at least talk to her when she’ll walk me to the car?”

The single short chuckle that leaves Bailey’s mouth sounds so sad, so small, “I’m not expecting for you two to break up. Now, gather yourself up and save your tears for another day. You just got a day off as a present for your pregnancy.”

Addison laughs and waits until the hiccups end and leans down to see her reflection in one of the machines, making sure her face doesn’t look swollen from crying and her mascara isn’t marking her cheeks anymore. She does need a day off, alone. There were barely any days that she spent time alone in her new apartment; usually, Callie is always there but knowing she has a full day shift, she will finally spend some time getting used to the place on her own.

Thanking Doctor Bailey again, she smiles, slides her feet into her heels and pulls the dress even lower, ready to face the world and Meredith Grey once again.

Once she opens the door, Meredith’s whole face lights up to see her safe and sound.

After saying she is going home for the day, underlining the world alone - enough to draw a line but gently to not hurt Grey’s feelings - the blonde spends the whole way to the car rambling like crazy. Knowing Meredith well enough, she realises it’s her way to cope with the stress and the nerves and the fear - eventually, she asks if there is anything she could do to help Addison out.

That’s where her opportunity lies.

“There is one thing, actually, that could make me happy,” Addison says, turning the key in the door of the car, smiling under her breath.

Meredith tilts on her heels, back and forth, “And that is?”

“Christmas family dinner. Or a party. For everyone we know from the hospital who don’t visit their families, biological ones,” Addison’s shit-eating grin grows wider just as Meredith’s corners of her mouth curl down. “In your big, beautiful house.”

“I hate Christmas,” Meredith pouts.

“Well, it won’t be Christmas…” Addison’s eyes crinkle in focus as she plots. “...It’s going to be Friendsmas.”

“Do I really have to do this?”

“I’m expecting to get an invitation soon,” The teasing in her voice is as clear as day.

Meredith shakes her head in disbelief, staring at Addison with something between adoration and disappointment gleaming inside her ocean blue eyes. She bites her bottom lip, holding back probably some swear words before rolling her eyes, “Oh, I hate you.”

“You don’t,” Addison gets inside her car, flopping on the driver’s seat.

Winking at Meredith, the blonde pushes the door shutting it for Addison before stepping aside so Montgomery can drive out of the parking lot.

When she is in the busy streets of Seattle, she lets out a chuckle, full of hesitancy and exhaustion.

However, her mind stays peaceful as she drives the, still new, way to her apartment. She gave Meredith a task to focus on. She knows well enough that that might be the way to keep her mind set on something else than her monsters. Perhaps that’s enough for now. She can worry about the rest, later, when the havoc of the Christmas party happens and swipes everyone off their feet.

Notes:

i'm eternally grateful for every feedback<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
listen to my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=eaDXKgtXRtioWeClWXTW3g

Chapter 38: i'm sure we're taller in another dimension

Notes:

hi everyone!!

NEW CHARACTER ALERT - please tell me in the comments if you expected them to be brought into the story and your thoughts about them. i'm really curious about your perspective on this;)

also, i am eternally thankful for every comment, kudos and words of support. they make my week every time. i wouldn't be posting after a year without them<3

hope you enjoy this one!!

The echoing of her winter boots is drowned out by the number of patients and their families right by the entrance of Seattle Grace. Everyone is arguing and everyone is emotionally exhausted and everyone is making a mess. That’s exactly what upcoming holidays on the horizon always, without no exceptions, bring to hospitals. Perhaps she hasn’t had the biggest of shares to experience that, but she knew from the stories of people who watched her grow up.

She is clearly a big girl now, despite no one else has noticed. Or anyone didn’t care to even try to notice.

She can be as bitter about it as she wants.

Knowing that trying to get any information here downstairs will be border lining with impossible, she makes a much smarter plan and looks for a way up the stairs - but they are clouded with doctors and families, so she eventually finds an only employees elevator and gets in without any hesitancy.

Time to put her plan into motion: step one, find the jerk. Step two, yell at the jerk.

Honestly, that’s only how far she thought that through.

She gets off on the second floor and looks around, ignoring the nurses and doctors passing by and looking at her confused. As she walks, hoping to find her brother on her own without asking, she is midway through opening the buttons of her jacket when she hears a familiar voice.

“Amelia!?’

There is a smile blossoming on her mouth as she turns on her heels, lips parting in surprise, “Mark!”

They fall in each other’s arms, like old friends, laughing in disbelief. She didn’t quite believe it when she heard from her mother that Mark followed Derek and Addison down to Seattle, but apparently, there he is. She hasn’t seen him in years and he looks unchanged yet something is different with him. She can’t quite put her finger on it - perhaps it’s the scent, a new cologne. Or is he shaved shorter than usual.

“What are you doing here?” Mark asks her when they step apart,

“I am looking for my asshole of a brother,” Amelia decides not to beat around the bush. “He hasn’t answered a single text or call from me since he left for Seattle. And I am definitely not spending Christmas with the rest of my family, so here I am. Enough independent to stop choking in my family household and to chase after the idiot that’s, unfortunately, my blood and the only one who hasn’t deserted me as my sisters did.”

“Oh, then things haven’t really changed,” Mark nods. “Still the black sheep.”

“Still the black sheep, yep.”

“Well, you’re my favourite sheep, Amy,” He grins, chuckling as they move aside from the centre of the corridor when a bed with a patient appears on the horizon. “But when it comes to Derek, I am not helping you out. But I can tell you where you can find him.”

“I would be thankful for this information,” She says, trying to tear the patch off as quickly as possible.

“He likes to hide in the theater of OR 2,” Mark tells her, lowering his voice as if he is speaking a secret. “He thinks I don’t know he’s there, but I always catch him there.”

“What the hell went down between the two of you?”

The only thing she knows is that Derek and Addison has an enormous argument which consequenced in her brother running away; after that next couple of months was radio silence from both sides - Derek shut his family down and Addison never picked up the phone. Mark disappeared as well. Nancy knew something, yet she never shared the information with her, and well, here Amelia is, not knowing a single thing that changed between the trio that had such a big impact on her teenage years.

And she missed them all: Addison, the only sister who treated her with dignity, the one who did her hair and makeup for the prom night, the one who explained the secrets of womanhood. Her Addie. She just disappeared. Mark, being her other big brother, who perhaps wasn’t the best of examples and role models but always brought so much fun into a boring day. And even this jerk, Derek Shepherd, he was… Derek.

But then they all disappeared beneath the face of the earth and she was left alone.

Even if the reunion and facing the problem hurts, Amelia is willing to do that. Even if it means running around a strange hospital in search of her family, she is going to get them all. She just didn’t expect Mark Sloan to be the first person she would face. Too happy to see him, she suddenly lost her attitude, forgot to act as angry as she felt on some nights, deserted by him, and the other two.

“Seattle Grace is not the best place… to not have drama…” Mark says after a while of reflection. He puts his hands on his hips. “That’s all.”

Later, he explains to her the way to the operating room and while walking her back to the elevator, his pager goes off, leaving her to her own devices. The two nurses that get inside with her give her weird stares, even more, when she leaves one floor higher and heads straight to the ORs.

Of course, just like predicted by Sloan, her brother is sitting in the theatre, staring down through the window at the empty OR.

“Well, here you are,” Amelia says, leaning against the doorframe.

Derek turns his head so quickly, something snaps in his neck, making him hiss. His hair is a bit unruly, clearly, two or three weeks too long, waiting for an annual trim and his eyes are tired, sad the way he always caught girls in high school for - this perfect sad eye look. In his blue scrubs, he is looking different.

That’s when she gets it.

His nose. It’s broken. Set back but there is still the inevitable change, as if someone doing the plastic repairment did it on purpose, just so he would wear the mark of someone breaking his nose for a longer time, not to forget it. And since Mark is the plastic surgeon here…

“Amy?”

“Don’t call me Amy if you don’t bother to talk to me for a year,” She steps inside, crossing her arms on her chest. “You didn’t bother to even answer one single message. A year. Twelve months, Derek. Good thing someone already broke your nose, because otherwise, I would do it.”

He brushes his hand through his hair, sighing, “It was Mark. He did it first, he was quicker than you.”

Her little overprotective self wants to kick Mark's ass for doing this to Derek, but she cannot let that be seen through, that she cares. All she wants to be seen is anger and lack of forgiveness and lack of longing for her big brother, because the moment he called her Amy, she almost lost it.

“Mark? Derek, what the hell has happened throughout this year? Your best friend breaks your nose? You…” She feels like she is speaking to a ghost, to an echo of who her brother used to be. “Nancy didn’t want to share anything she found out about when she visited. None of your sisters wants to have anything to do with me, quite frankly. And everyone always loved you and you decide to run away from that, just because you can. You can’t just leave me, the only person from our family who ever wanted to know me. You just left me.” Her voice cracks at the very end, so despite so many unsaid words that beg her tongue to let them out.

“Amy, believe me-”

“Don’t call me Amy!”

Her voice fills the empty void between them in the theatre, loud and strained. It brings her back to when she was ten and Derek never knew better being a teenager, the seven years between meaning nothing. They were able to scream at each other for hours if their mother didn’t set the apart; she doesn’t know what exactly pulls her back in time, but she is a kid again and Derek’s let her down again, despite telling her she is his favourite sister five minutes before, and there is so much oxygen in her lungs, ready to be used for the next screams.

This reunion hurts beneath all her scars - she expected it would be tough, it would get rough, but everything is thirty times harder with Derek not yelling right back at her. She wanted the two of them to be kids again, rising voices at each other until they run out of stamina to do that and without spoken apologies, just hug, knowing they’re siblings after all, and need to make up and stick together.

“Amelia, believe me, I didn’t want to leave New York,” His back is slouched as if the weight of the universe is wearing him down. “I didn’t do it for fun, just because I could. I’m guessing you didn’t hear from Addison either?”

“No! Of course, I didn’t,” She crosses her arms on her chest.

Nodding, with a cynical smile Derek looks down at the floor, “Right.”

“Want to hear the best part?” Once she launches off, she cannot stop. “If you came back to mom after this year, no one would blame you for disappearing. But if I came back home, they would wish I stayed here longer.”

Another sigh makes Amelia feel the fury bubble up inside her veins, but her heart… Deep down in her heart, she is worried and wants to sit down next to Derek and rest her head on his shoulder and ask him what went wrong. Why is he looking like life thrashed him and washed out of any colour inside his soul, where is Addison and why Mark hates him and why… Why everything.

“Trust me, I know I fucked up,” Derek finally looks at her again. “Both by leaving and by being here. The broken nose? I deserved it.”

She probably asked that before but there is no way to keep the confused question out of her mouth, “What the hell happened?”

“A lot, Amy- Amelia.”

There it is, the kicked puppy look of his blue eyes. In the photographs where they are babies, their gazes were identical. Just two Shepherd babies, buying people and getting everything they wanted within one single stare.

But when they grew up, Amelia’s eyes apparently lost the ability while Derek's sad look appeared as if not a day passed between him being the only baby boy of the family and being the world-renewed neurosurgeon.

“Don’t give me those eyes,” She says, voice not getting colder despite her trying to cool it down.

“I guess you’ll find out eventually. But I don’t feel like talking. Or fighting.”

“What the hell happened?”

“It’s the third time you repeat it.”

“I know.”

She is repeating it because that’s the only sentence that’s circling inside of her mind. Seattle Grace seems to her like a vampire that sucked out every ounce of Derek’s character and vigour.

“If you came here to yell at me, then fine, I get it. You’re mad. You’re angry,” Looking like he aged ten years in the past ten minutes they’d been having this conversation. “But I don’t have any explanations.”

“The Derek I used to know would be shouting at me right now. He would be fuming at me for even raising my voice at him,” Amelia shakes her head in disbelief, her eyebrows furrowing. “Where is he?”

Derek hides his face in his hands, exhaling loudly. Say what you want to say but Shepherds are perfect at making the scene appear as dramatic as it can get. It’s a part of their identity, to heighten the emotions, make it feel like a theatre drama, almost cartoonish.

“He became a horrible person and ruined too many good things,” He finally speaks up once his hands drop on his lap. “And he lost everything that really mattered, and he really doesn’t feel like talking. Shouting. Fuming.”

“I ca-”

“Please, Amy. I am not worth it, exhausting your emotions. Just go.”

She smiles bitterly at him, knowing that she would never be enough for any of her siblings to answer her questions and have a conversation when she wants it. Always not important enough, always the youngest, always the black sheep.

“You’re still perfect at making yourself a victim,” Amelia pushes herself off the doorway, giving him one last look before turning around and marching down the corridor. She doesn’t hear his quiet “I know”. She doesn’t want to hear it.

---

The resident room is surprisingly loud and busy on the 23rd of December, given how much work the Seattle Grace is drowning under with crazed Christmas people and a series of casualties from an explosion in one of the apartment buildings just a block away from Callie and Addison’s address.

After spending three hours of saving patients that already gotten to the hospital, Meredith got a moment of break and Cristina just got back from the scene of the accident, they bumped into each other in the resident room. Sitting on the bench, both of them eating protein bars, Meredith makes a rant about not being able to leave the hospital, but the reasons why she cannot visit the location of casualties are quite clear, when the memories of the last casualties by the Elliott Bay resurface.

“What is this stare?” Meredith finally stops her speech which Cristina hasn’t listened to a minute of, her eyes squinted into thin slits, almost like a snake, looking behind Mer’s back.

The blonde turns back to see Izzie giggling at some joke Alex told her and the two of them head to the exit once both of their pagers go off.

“What stare?” Cristina’s eyes are wider once Meredith turns to face her again.

“Yours,” Meredith tilts her head. “At Izzie. Or Alex. Or both of them.”

“I wasn’t staring at either of them,” Cristina stands up, not realising that getting defensive is not the best way to reassure someone of not doing something and searches through her locker for something.

“Cristina.”

“I just believe in having at least a bit of decency and shame in public places,” She loudly shuts it. “Or at least be private. I believe in shame in general.”

“I am missing something here, aren’t I?”

She is really out of it today and has been ever since she and Addison grew apart. Well, that is a dramatic way to put it - they stopped spending every second of every day together and thanks to that, she could focus on her friends again, other friends, and her person and found out how much she was missing out. It makes her sound bad, to even dare to think less time spent with Addie could be positive - because, obviously, she is missing her best friend all the damn time. But there is more balance in her life now, between their late-night phone calls and sleepovers at Cristina’s place and meetings for drinks or coffee with their whole group of residents and running every early morning to keep her mind in tact. Along with therapy sessions, she mostly spends quiet, too scared to admit to anything that might lead her back to the psych ward, and reading books that Addison drops off at her house every time she finishes a good novel she wants to share with.

While she is alone at home, she stays away from the bathrooms, almost to a comical level of holding pee in until one of her roommates comes back home and reads articles and textbooks about pregnancy. Ever since the big scare two weeks earlier, she is trying her best to look out for signs. Alex caught her reading one of these books and his eyes widened but he simply raised his hands in a surrendering manner, as if he accepted there will be a new home guest in several months.

There is a lot to build back in her life, everything she lost to her mental illness. She’s never really believed… That the trauma of her childhood, the trauma from her teenage years, coming outs and being hated for who she was could turn into something bigger. That everything that ever marked her and ruined her would become this enormous storm, which unhealed and unrepaired, as well, as not taken care of by the professionals almost took her life away. Almost making her take her own life away.

She’s been having a lot of those deep insights into her own being, since starting therapy and having her emotions regulated by certain drugs. Suddenly, the mood swings and mixed signals from her own mind calmed down, eased the hurricane, making her see so much clearer. Of course, the pain is still digging deep inside, the memories of hurt and being disowned and hatred for being a lesbian linger most days. But she is not her biggest enemy anymore; the suicidal thoughts appear perhaps once a couple of days, but it’s such a short and delicate sensation that she doesn’t have even time to sit and think about it.

But… coming back. Her mind does this trick of losing the track of her thoughts so easily since she left the hospital as a patient.

“Evil Spawn started sleeping with Blondie while you were admitted, the second she split with 007,” The amount of nicknames makes Meredith’s head spin.

“And…” She is a bit surprised since she hasn’t caught her roommates in any uncomfortable positions even one time. These days, however, nothing really catches her off guard enough to get shocked. “... you mind because?”

“Don’t you see, Mer? He is not over his Ava patient thing. She is not over Denny patient thing and Bambi idiocy. So they call it conditioning and try to sleep their feelings away, thinking it will work at a long shot.”

“I still don’t know why do you mind,” Meredith can feel the frown on her face deepening. “It’s not the healthiest of coping mechanisms, I do realise. But you are not- You never cared before. Why does it bother you so badly?” She is desperately trying to see what’s happening in her person’s mind, what made her look so weirdly at the two of their friends, but nothing makes sense; every theory that’s beginning to grow is soon cut off the flower buds, the facts not connecting.

“You know what? Nevermind,” Cristina dramatically steps over the bench and heads towards the exit. “I gotta get my interns to move their asses to work if they are back from the scene.”

“Wait!”

Meredith stands up and opens her locker, browsing through her things while Cristina decides to listen to her and takes a couple of small steps toward her, “Hm?”

Finally, Meredith victoriously raises her hand with a red envelope, waving it in the air, smiling from ear to ear. Believe her, she does hate Christmas and everything that is connected to it, but… the idea of having Addison smile so brightly, so beautifully once she gets her own invitation is worth every single hour of being in pain because of the celebration. So, yes, she hates Christmas more than everything, but she also loves Addison more than everything. The choice here is obvious.

“I got something for you,” She closes the locker and hands the envelope to Yang. “There you go.”

“What-” Cristina tears the red paper apart and pulls out a hand-written note, eyes running over the text before reading it out loud. “Meredith Grey’s household invites you to get toasty and tipsy at the Christmas dinner for strays, on December 25th at 5 p.m. until midnight strikes. Alcohol welcome - there’s never too much.”

“And you’re a VIP guest!”

“Since when do you like Christmas to be so festive?”

“It wasn’t my idea,” Meredith drops her happy facade, shrugging. “But… I feel like Christmas turned to Friendsmas might turn out better than usual family affairs. So if you don’t want to go home for the holidays and need a place to crash and hide, the door is open. Just to warn you: Izzie will be cooking and Alex is helping out with the decorations around the whole house. And me, as the main host, will be making sure everything is perfect.”

She knows she sounds halfway like an advertisement on the TV, but what can a girl do when she is trying to talk her friends into something she doesn’t believe in herself? At least she is trying.

After a long moment of silence, Cristina looks up from the creme card with a cheeky smile, “That’s going to be a disaster.”

“It’s not!” Meredith goes full defensive mode. “It will be… moderately okay.”

“Mer, your house is about to be burned down with the drama.”

“Stop!”

“You know the truth.”

“I’m gonna take your invitation away if you keep going,” Meredith crosses her arms on her chest.

“Not a chance,” At this point, Cristina can’t keep her laughter in her throat, shaking her head in disbelief, her stomach hurting from the laughing. “I’ll be the cameraman to film every single second of this catastrophe.”

It’s impossible to not join Yang in her amusement and Meredith chuckles hesitantly just for it to be turned into fully-charged waves of laughter. The two of them just laugh until their ribs hurt and ignore a couple of other residents walking in and giving them dirty looks.

Twisted sisters are never going to care what people think about their duet. Not in this lifetime, not when their laughter mixing together is the soundtrack both of them wish to follow them throughout their lives until the very end - when they are old and wrinkled, stuck in the same nursing home. Ending up back on the bench, Cristina waves the invitation around, not being able to speak one single word, while Meredith feels streaming down her cheeks - the catharsis of everything that has happened in December finally leaving her body.

---

“You broke his nose!”

Mark turns around, hearing the familiar voice that has talked to him today already. With a bone-dry cappuccino, he is leaning against the counter and sipping on his drink, along with watching Seattle Grace finally coming back to life with the casualties. He’s missed the rush, especially when no one is paging him and no one is looking for him. Just simply watching the bad moments of a good life pass him by while he is a lonely watcher.

But when Amelia appears around the corner, charging at him as if she is about to beat him up, he raises his hands with a charming smile, “He deserved it.”

“This place is unhinged,” She stands by his side and takes the cappuccino from his hand, taking a big sip. It almost looks like she is in a need of a stronger drink and Mark is about to ask her how bad the reunion of siblings went, but her eyes fall on something behind his back, widening, almost as if amazed. “Who is this?”

In a quick turn, Mark turns, looking around,” Who… Lexie Grey?”

His eyes finally find the intern, her dark hair halfway up, talking to O’Malley about something.

“Lexie Grey,” Amelia repeats after him, tasting the name on her tongue. “She is pretty.”

Sloan knows this tone. Jesus Christ, he knows this tone too well, even after years since he’s been a witness to Amelia’s many, countless crushes in high school.

“Oh, no,” He turns to Shepherd, shaking his head. “ We are not…” Having a really tough time trying to stop the inevitable. “She is Meredith’s half-sister. She is her younger sister. Little sister. She is… Little Grey! We don’t do Little Grey here. Or anywhere. The last time Alex did Little Grey, Meredith almost murdered him.”

Meredith’s name catches Amelia’s attention, at least enough to tear her gaze away from Lexie.

“Meredith? As if Meredith, the one who slept with a married man, read Derek?” Her eyebrows raise to her hairline, ready to throw a fit with her little attitude.

“Derek isn’t married anymore,” Mark chuckles, loving the fact Shepherd is such an asshole he didn’t even inform his own sister he got divorced. “Hasn’t been for a long time.”

“That motherfucker didn’t tell me!”

Now, Amelia is on the straight path for little fuming fires fire away from her nostrils. The disbelief expressed on her face so clearly as she stares at Mark, deciding if she should run back to the OR theater and yell her lungs out until her brother just falls onto the floor, flooding the tiles with his salty tears.

“Don’t worry, Amelia,” He tries his best not to laugh in her face, knowing it would cost him his life. “He is an asshole to everyone, it’s nothing personal.”

“He divorced Addie and didn’t even tell me!” Amelia is about to explode, taking the whole building down with her.

“Excuse me, Doctor Sloan?”

Just then, all of her anger and demonic plans disappear, as if by a magic wand’s spell because her eyes hear the voice of the woman that shook her whole world mere minutes earlier.

Lexie is standing in front of them, her hands intertwined on her back as she wobbles on her heels back and forth, clearly shy as she asks Mark. But then, her eyes quickly jump from Sloan to Amelia, and the dark chocolate eyes widen when their gazes crash together. Parting lips, she is at loss for words, unable to bring her to stare back to the attending.

All Amelia can think is: I’m going to marry this girl.

“Yes, Doctor Grey?” Mark asks, unaware of the internal explosions inside both women’s hearts.

But Amelia is definitely taking her chances, not wasting one more minute.

Pushing Mark back, she steps in front of him, reaching her hand out to Lexie, “Hi! I’m Amelia Shepherd.”

“Shepherd?” Pure surprise graces Lexie’s voice when she gives her her hand.

“Yeah… It’s an unfortunate last name, but I’m nothing like that jerk of my brother,” Amelia puts on her most charming smile as they shake hands. “Nice to meet you.”

“Hi,” Lexie finally cracks a smile, and starting off shyly it quickly overturns into a bright sincere one. “Nice to meet you as well.”

Two worlds completely crashing, eyes crinkling in awe and smiles never growing smaller, ignoring the man behind Amelia’s back.

And all Mark can think about is that Meredith Grey is about to murder him in twenty different ways, probably with Addison on her side. But it’s too late now, even if he tried to send Lexie off to work, because once Amelia Shepherd makes herself a goal, there is no way to stop that girl. He can only pray for himself now.

Neither of the women notices his internal turmoil, too enchanted by each other’s presence. Just a tiny miracle in Seattle Grace Hospital, between all the pain and the drama and the death; two souls that might turn into one.

Notes:

comments make me go batshit insane like a puppy seeing another puppy during a walk lmaooo
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
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Chapter 39: we're on each other's team

Notes:

hiii guys!
first of all, to all the swifties reading this fic - CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE ANNOUNCED A COMPLETELY NEW ALBUM?? MY MOM LITERALLY WOKE ME UP AND SAID TAYLOR IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM AND I WAS LIKE YEAH REPTV AND SHE WAS LIKE NOOOOO IT'S A BRAND NEW ONE. my soul ascended in that moment. i am so excited and i still can't believe this.

coming back to the fanfic, we still got two chapters before christmas chaos ensues;)

TW//mentions of sexual assault - that topic is going to be mentioned in the future (but talked about events of the past, no scenes in the present) stay safe, i would hate to trigger anyone.

enjoy this chapter<3

Saving a pregnant woman who just lost a foot and her arm was a challenge Addison couldn’t dare to screw up. Taking up blood, sweat and tears, she is out four hours later after a surgery first on the mother and then on the premature infant, wiping on her forehead and heading to change into fresh scrubs, that are dry and with no sign of blood.

Casualties are always hell and she is brought back in time, remembering Derek on the floor with Mark by his side and her walking inside the room, watching the pale face of Meredith Grey on the table. So many memories haunt her and she feels shivers run down her spine as her brain gets deeper into the traumatic events of Elliott Bay.

But this time, there is no water and Meredith is stuck at the hospital, Richard not letting her go to even get patients from the ambulances. The Chief and Montgomery made sure Meredith gets busy in Seattle Grace, always under the careful gaze of one of her friends.

Taking her time, Addison is soon in her spare salmon scrubs she hasn’t worn for almost a year, letting her brown curls drop on her shoulders, freed from the tight bun.

The pregnancy has been taking up a lot of energy from her - standing for four hours operating makes her feel faint; not the way she felt when she actually lost consciousness for several minutes, but still quite weak. Sitting down on a couch in the office, she places her hand on her stomach that’s become so round she stopped wearing tight pencil skirts and putting her shirt inside the trousers. Officially two weeks into her second trimester, she is running out of time to keep it a secret - despite she should feel much safer once twelve weeks stroke the clock, there is fear bubbling up inside her throat and hanging silver chains around her heart.

She is looking for a perfect opportunity to announce the news, but nothing feels right - either too staged or too careless.

“I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?” Addison murmurs slowly to her stomach. “I should just go and say it, let the gossip spread.”

Despite no one pages her, she leaves to circle around the corridors until she feels the sudden and overpowering need to pee. It almost sends her off speeding down the hospital to find the closest bathroom, because apparently her baby presses on her bladder whenever they want to and yes, they made her almost pee her trousers during the surgery.

Out of the bathroom, she heads to find any of her friends, but one of them is faster.

“Addie, hi!”

Turning back, she sees Meredith rushing towards her, pushing through the workers strolling down the corridor until she is by Addison’s side.

“Hello, Doctor Grey,” Addison says with a serious tone but is downright impossible to keep her toothy smile from the blonde.

Lowering her voice, Meredith’s gaze drops to her hidden bump and then back to her face “Are you feeling okay? Do you feel faint? Need any water? Or sweets? I got a lot of sweets. Maybe ju-”

“I am fine, Mer,” Addison says calmly as they begin to walk down the hallway. “Don’t worry about me.”

Meredith scoffs as if she’s heard the most ridiculous thing, “I will always worry about you. Or…” It’s a mere whisper, almost impossible to hear even by Addison. “the baby.”

“Okay, but I promise you I’m resting and taking my vitamins and the two of us are doing just fine,” Addison would roll her eyes only if Meredith wasn’t so sweet; despite the distance she put between them, a healthy distance they needed to grow and become better versions of themselves, they are still the same duo, Meredith Grey and Addison Montgomery, always together, even if not physically, then mentally always. She thought she couldn’t find a best friend who would care for her this way, but Meredith shows up every goddamn time she needs her and is actually trying her best to take on the world again and go back to the life of someone who deserves everything the world can give them; only good things. “Did you give the invitations away?”

“Half of them,” Meredith’s shoulder brushes against hers and her fingers graze against the skin of Addie’s palm and she almost chokes; Meredith carries on as if no thunderbolt of energy blown up in the space between them while Addison can barely breathe. She reaches out her pinky before she can think that through and it touches Mer’s soft skin, making the blonde suddenly cough as she loses the train of thought. Addison smiles and her heart skips a beat, despite her having no idea what all of it can mean. “I still got Mark, Callie and George to catch. But here is yours.”

Handing the invitation to Addie, she watches the woman open the envelope and laugh at the handwritten text on the paper. When she looks up again, her mind remembers the other guests.

“O’Malley is coming?”

Call her a hypocrite, but ever since he cheated on Callie, she kept an eye out for him. And her intuition is telling her that beneath the surface of this good guy act and victim complex he sometimes appears to have, is something much darker. Something vile beneath the surface.

“Yes,” Meredith’s face is covered with a gentle frown. “Why wouldn’t he?”

Except that he, Callie and Izzie being in the same room equals complete disaster, that is not Addison’s reasoning here.

“All due respect, but the energy that I get from him isn’t… safe,” Perhaps she is borderline insulting Meredith’s friend, but she is not going to stay quiet about it. “I don’t like him around you.”

“What?” Meredith’s eyebrows lower as she has a hard time comprehending the conversation.

“A woman’s intuition,” Addison simply says.

It makes Meredith think, taking her back to how drunk she was, barely walking and then, she can almost feel the tears that fell down her face and pillow when George denied climbing off her at first. Normally, she would stay quiet but… it’s Addison.

“I mean… we did have a situation.”

Admitting it out loud feels weird - because the last time people found out about them having sex, they all blamed her.

“What do you mean by that?” With one move of her hand, Addison stops them walking and stands by the wall to not busy the corridor, face to face.

Meredith sighs and brushes her bangs back, too troubled to look into Montgomery’s eyes at first. It takes a good share of a minute to brave herself into remembering things she really hoped to put in the past, too tired to carry every bad memory with her like essential baggage. It doesn’t matter anymore, whatever happened between her and George. She should have stayed quiet, but now there is no way that Addie will let that go.

“He was in love with me,” Meredith starts, seeing the green eyes stuck on her face widen. “I got wasted one night and he went into my room and I just.. let him do things. A couple of minutes into it, I got slightly sober of the situation and started crying. But he didn’t stop immediately.”

All the warmth, all the softness she usually glimmers in Addison’s eyes is gone. There is only ice, ice if it could be set on fire; brutality and fury which make her look like she might any moment now catch the first person on her way and push them against the wall and hit their head against it, one by one, until their skull is broken and face bloody.

“Did he leave?” Her voice is near a growl.

“He did,” Meredith nods, feeling a bit lost, in a need to control the situation to calm it down.” But we are past that. Over that. We’re okay.”

Addison without a word takes another invitation from Meredith’s hand, walks to the nearest trash can and begins to tear it to shreds. 

Once she is back to shocked Meredith, she speaks up with a rough voice, “I don’t want to see him stepping a foot into your house.”

“Addie, we are really over that.”

“No.”

“Addison.”

“I swear to God, Meredith,” Montgomery pinches the tip of her nose, trying to stay focused and not set this whole hospital on fire. “If he steps a foot into your home, I will have Karev and Sloan beat him up so badly that his own mother won’t recognise him.”

“Okay! Okay,” Mer raises her hands, surrendering. “Don’t get mad. He will probably be visiting his mother and brothers. He doesn’t have to know there is a party going on.”

When she sees the blonde stressed, Addie feels a bit guilty, “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad no one stood up for you about it earlier.”

It’s not the best timing to make a person with suicidal tendencies realise she was a victim of sexual assault, so that’s the only reason why she stops arguing about it. But she will talk to Richard about it and she will most certainly ask Mark to keep an eye out on the asshole, if he only dares to step close to Meredith to knock him out. She might be overreacting, but she couldn’t care less. There is no one that can put their hands on Meredith Grey when she doesn’t allow them.

“I am okay now,” Meredith smiles and they continue their walk. She feels okay. Or does she?

Remembering that unfateful night doesn’t do her mental health very well, but she can just shrug at it and hope she doesn’t spill too many words at therapy on Monday.

“Alright,” Addison nods and looks up from the floor, halting instantly. “Oh my God, I- Amelia?”

Meredith stops along her, confused and runs her gaze the same path Addison’s eyes had to see Mark, Lexie and an unknown brunette who turns at the name Addie calls her.

“Addie!” Her voice echoes through the hallway and she crosses the three meters of distance, jumping straight into Addison’s arms.

Both of them laugh happily, their embrace tightening, Amelia’s arms around Addison’s neck as she basically hangs on the attending. There is a history behind this hug, Meredith realises instantly and when her eyes fall on Mark, he is smiling, almost as if he is watching his family reunite. Some kind of relief and pure joy fills his usually teasing stare and Meredith feels in awe of the scene.

One look at Addison’s closed eyes in bliss and comfort as her hands bring the woman Meredith doesn’t know closer.

Finally, they step apart, grinning from ear to ear.

“What are you doing here?” Addison asks, one of her hands on Amelia’s cheek.

She’s grown up so much, and it hurts to see how she missed out on it.

“Derek hasn’t been answering my calls and texts and my family clearly despises me,” Amelia instantly jumps onto her rant, words spilling like a bullet at the speed limit; Meredith’s eyebrows raise when Derek’s name is mentioned. “So I thought: seeing Seattle might be nice!”

“Oh wow,” Addison’s eyes never leave Amelia’s face, as if she is afraid it’s all a Fata Morgana and once her eyes slip away, the girl will disappear. “Have you seen him yet?

“Yep,” Amelia laughs and puts her hands on her hips. “And he was a total jerk.”

“Nothing new, nothing surprising,” Addison chuckles. “He does have something of a jerk right now.”

“He always does!”

The three women immediately turn to Mark Sloan, who is standing proud of his comment, the well-known charming smile stretching out on his lips, eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Accurate,” Meredith decides to speak up for the first time since Addison bumped into this… Amelia, a girl somehow connected to Derek. She does look similar to him, something about her reminding her of the months she spent with Derek Shepherd, building a life on lies.

“And you are…” Amelia looks at Meredith, with a confused smile.

“Meredith Grey,” She reaches her hand to shake it and stops an eye-roll when Amelia’s eyes widen in comprehension.

“Ohhhh… Meredith.”

“Yes, that’s me,” Meredith sighs, trying to not keep it heavy. “Ex dirty mistress of your…”

“Brother.”

Before it can go an unfamiliar route, uncomfortable and awkward, Mark steps in, approaching the small circle.

“I and Meredith made a club for dirty mistresses,” He announces proudly. “Just the two of us and whisky, or tequila. Depends on the day and the mood.”

“Interesting,” Amelia hums. “It’s not how I imagined Seattle Grace Hospital.”

“And how did you imagine it?”

“Well, there is a lot of chaos. And I didn’t think I would bump into the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,” She grins as if already knowing she is only adding to the havoc, instead bringing the New York peace with her.

Meredith and Addison ask at the same time, “Who is…”

Amelia steps back behind Mark and with a gentle pull, brings Lexie into their gathering.

Addie’s eyes notice the flinch and the quick grimace of pain on her face when Amelia touches the hidden bruises on Lexie’s wrist. Her heart breaks at the sight and she loses the sense of the conversation for a minute, wondering how much longer can she wait for the right moment to speak up and save the younger Grey from the cruel hands of fate.

“Lexie Grey,” Amelia says, ignoring the little fires lighting up in Meredith’s eyes.

“Oh, hi,” Lexie greets the rest, her cheeks blossoming into a deep scarlet colour.

“Amelia, I wouldn’t-” Mark speaks up, soon cut off by Lexie herself.

“I’m sorry but I really need to get back to work,” She turns to Mark as her lifeline. “Doctor Sloan, could you help me out with a… thing?”

“Of course, Doctor Grey,” Halfway happy and halfway rancourous to miss out on the scene, he opens his hand, showing the way down the corridor, acting as if he has any idea about a thing. Winking at the three women, he lets Lexie go first, just to follow her.

Addison shakes her head, a bit dazed by the conversation and Mark and Lexie’s getaway, deciding to set the topic down to a different path, a safer one, “Are you staying in town for long, Amelia?”

Amelia blinks, having a hard time taking her eyes off leaving Lexie; when she awakens from the trance she cannot stop moving her eyes back and forth between Addie and Meredith.

“I’m most certainly not coming back for family Christmas. So a week. Perhaps two if I’m having fun.”

“How fortunate!” Addison exclaims, feeling the heavy gaze of Meredith on her profile, ignoring she will get murdered for what she does next. Taking her own invitation, she hands it to Amelia with a smile. “Well, you can spend Christmas with us.”

“Us?” Amelia says and then reads the invitation, smiling. “You two? Are spending Christmas together?”

Ex-wife and ex-mistress is clearly a concept Shepherd has trouble understanding, which makes both of the women hold back laughter. They’ve forgotten what reaction people can have in moments like this, when their past is brought up.

“Us and a couple of our friends. The address is written at the bottom.”

This time when Amelia raises her stare from the invitation, her eyes fall on Meredith - they are hesitant and much colder than when she looks at Addison, but still she thanks politely for the invitation.

“Everyone is invited, you’re welcome,” Meredith says through gritted teeth, wanting to slam her head against a very hard surface. “Well, almost everyone.”

“I’m guessing Derek is on the blacklist?” Amelia says and when she gets two nods, she chuckles. “He really did a number on people here.”

“You have no idea,” Addison and Meredith’s voices collide, answering at the same time. When they look into each other’s eyes, they burst out in laughter, which earns them another confused and held-back glance from the new girl in town.

---

With the evening just around the corner, Addison is sent home by Bailey who has been keeping an eye out for her at all times. She throws the fancy fur black coat onto her shoulders and says goodbye to friends she passes by before heading to the front entrance. Taking the stairs down to give her body at least some exercise, she notices Meredith slowly walking to leave, deep in her thoughts. Instantly, she calls after her to exit together, yet the moment Mer clearly hears her and awakens from her mind, she only speeds faster towards the door.

And Addison is not having it.

“Hey!” Her voice is loud, earning glances but she rushes down the last flight of stairs, in her beautiful black shiny Louboutins, which isn’t the wisest of choices, but screw that.

That stops Meredith.

Almost with a pained expression, Meredith turns around; lips pressed tightly together, eyes shutting for a second as she braves herself into confrontation. She hides her hands in her coat pockets and tilts her head, waiting until Addison catches up to her, just to greet her out of emotion, “Hey.”

“Are you mad at me?” Addison asks all at once, just when they are out of hearing reach of nosy coworkers.

“What? I’m not.”

Meredith Grey has become a terrible, terrible liar.

“C’mon, Meredith,” Addison reaches out with her hand, gently grabbing one of Mer’s sleeves, making her hand appear from the pocket. She intertwines their fingers, as she has learned recently, it makes Meredith open up to her with ease. Simple physical touch to make every secret and every trouble pop out, not making either of them choke on the unsaid words.

She guesses it must be about Amelia; they didn’t have the time to talk about the sudden, improvised invitation to Meredith’s house, so it’s better they clear out the air now than in two days, in front of everyone’s faces. But Addison’s pure excitement and surprise just pushed her to that, hoping she will get more time with the girl she halfway raised - Amelia always held a dear place in her heart, almost like a sister she’s never had. If she has to, she will turn things around and makes things right and somehow finds a way to uninvite. Or…

Or she’ll just bat her eyelashes and press a flying kiss to Mer’s cheek, making her flustered and ask her with that soft voice of hers. That is always a way out.

“I just…” Meredith looks behind Addison’s back, checking who might be listening. “You’re always around Lexie. You take her under your wing, you sit with her in the cafeteria…”

Oh.

So that’s what this is about.

Perhaps, yes, Addison has been sitting by Lexie Grey’s side during lunch and has been catching up with her every couple of days, but the reasoning behind it? Besides finding her character actually charming and adorable and a loyal friend, she wants to protect her.

“I am trying to keep her… safe,” Addison finally admits, knowing it must be the time to share her fears with someone.

“Great! You too!” Meredith’s voice raises and she throws her hands up in the air. “Everyone loves her, apparently. Amazing.”

“Meredith, stop,” Addison shushes her, only inflaming the anger inside the blonde.

“Why should I?”

Now, Addison is having to do with a jealous twelve-year-old. So, before everything falls apart, she moves her fingers from her palm onto her wrist and pulls her out of Seattle Grace through the doors, smiling awkwardly at people watching them. Out into the December night, she keeps pulling Meredith down the pavement until they are far enough, by one of the benches.

“Because she is hurting!” Finally, she can let out her voice which feels desperate. “You’re still my favourite person, sitting with someone during their meal doesn’t mean anything. But she is hurting!”

“Well, that-”

One more word from Grey’s irritated mouth and Addison would strangle her with her own hands, “No. Meredith,” She cuts her off instantly. “She is being abused.”

The words ring loudly, leaving the space between them hot yet terrified.

“What are you talking about?” Meredith finds her voice after a good minute, any anger evaporated, just… Disbelief - that kind of not coming from not believing the person who is talking to you, but coming from not wanting to believe that. Choosing to not look the danger and pain in the eyes.

“There are bruises on her hands, I saw one on her throat as well,” Addison says.

Speaking these things out loud - what an absolute heartbreak. And the same feeling must be reflecting off Meredith because she stops moving, stops breathing, barely stays sane from this one piece of information. Her eyes shine with shock, widened and panicked, and she got that look on her face as if she is hesitating between staying here and listening to Addison and running back into the hospital to find her half-sister and interrogate her until she confesses and Meredith can take her far away from whoever is hurting her.

“Jesus Christ, are you for real?”

“Unfortunately,” Addison softens when she sees how it breaks Meredith.

“I had no idea, she is so… pure. So kind. So naive. And I might hate her but, do you know who?”

Now, they’re getting to the toughest part.

“I am almost entirely positive it is your- Thatcher,” Addison says with one breath.

“Fuck!” Meredith brings her fist to her lips, as if anger lit her up instantly, only hearing the man’s name. “Shit. I don’t… What are we doing now? How can we help her?” It might be Addison’s imagination, but Meredith’s voice is shaking and cracks at the very end of her question.

“I don’t want to scare her away,” Addison sits down on the bench, dry as today hasn’t been snowing or raining and taps the place next to her. “If we say anything to her, she’ll stop trusting us because it means exposing her abuser. But once we make our move, we need to be sure, unstoppable and strong enough to bring her out of the situation, out of the damage, so she never has to go back to… to her father.”

“Fucking hell,” Meredith whispers and hides her face in her hands.

With this one simple gesture, she shows the truth - that as much as she wants to appear cold and uncaring, she loves her sister. Despite the differences, in upbringing, in parental figures, in the amount of love they got as children, despite every single thing setting them apart. Meredith loves Lexie, clear as day.

“We’re a team, Meredith,” Addison puts her hand on Mer’s back, gently making calming circles, pulling her closer. “And we’ll do whatever it takes to protect the people we love.”

“I know,” She sighs when she falls into Addison’s arms. “ I couldn’t do this without you.”

They can get each other through the dark times, hoping for the light to come through the heavy curtains. Times might be tough, but they are tougher; not only the two of them, but their whole crooked, broken, and shattered puzzle pieces family.

Notes:

i am forever thankful for every comment and kudos<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=29bab7e69b1f485c

Chapter 40: i just wanna roll my sleeves up and start again

Notes:

hi!!!
WE HIT 40 CHAPTERS TODAY YEEEEHAWWW
never thought this fanfic would be such a long story, but here we are. this chapter is a bit longer than the previous ones, so there's a bit more drama (but that's nothing new lmao)
also this is the most unedited chapter ever but i have such a tight schedule this week that i barely got to post this.

also a little update on my personal stuff - unfortunately i am unable to move to the different city rn which makes me REALLY depressed but i am trying my best sooooo just keep your fingers crossed for me i manage to get away from my town after summer:(

hope you enjoy this one!!

It’s unclear who in the end calls it a jinx on the peace surrounding every hospital ward, but hell breaks all loose quarter past two.

Richard Webber is rounding the corridors and stops by Bailey who is writing on the board and wiping off the previous surgeries. She hums, acknowledging his presence watching her and gives him a funny look at his thoughtfulness while he stands in place, doing plain nothing.

“Do you have something to say, Chief?” She finally asks him, turning with an eyebrow cockily raised.

He opens his mouth, but he is outsped in speaking when a shout echoes from the right side of the corridor.

“Where the hell is she?!”

Thatcher is marching down the hallway, but with every two steps, his whole body sways to the sides, until he crashes into the wall, drunk out of his mind to even deal with walking straight. Yet, he pushes himself off it and continues heading straight at Richard, and when he is close enough, the odour of alcohol fills up the air.

“Excuse me, sir-” Miranda puts the marker away and turns to face him, not an ounce of fear in her voice and posture, even with the charging at her man.

But Webber steps in front of her, just in case, “Thatcher? What are you doing here?”

“I’m looking for that ungrateful bitch of a daughter!”

“I don’t think Meredith-”

“No, not that one, God forbid,” It’s a miracle is able to pronounce his words that clearly in the reckless state he is under - his face is dark red and his clothes are stained, spreading an unpleasant smell even more from the retching vodka spilt over his sweater. “I don’t- I don’t want to see that murderer. I’m looking for…” He coughs and looks up from above Richard’s shoulder, his eyes shining with hatred for a second before his eyes turn into narrow slits. “Her.”

He spits out the word with such spite and for a moment, looks like he might throw up onto the floor. He pushes past Webber, who turns back. His shoulders drop when he notices Addison appearing from around the corner, her hand gently on the back of Lexie Grey, who is so caught up in the conversation they’re having, she doesn’t notice who is waiting for her.

But Addison does.

She stops walking instantly, pressing Lexie closer to her, as if shielding her from whatever is coming. The motherly instincts in her go off instantly and when Lexie looks up and sees why Addison has stopped walking, she freezes. All of her muscles tense and she looks twice smaller, looking as if she wants to shrink herself until she ceases to exist, and cannot be seen anymore.

“Dad,” Her voice is small. “What are you doing here?”

“You’re the reason why I’m here, Lexie,” Her name sounds like a curse on his tongue. “You and your turning your back on your family, even on Christmas Eve. You being an ungrateful bitch!” She ducks her face, as if he slapped his face- and, God, Addison realises he must have slapped her before while speaking the same exact words, the way she flinches and tries to protect her face from him. “I gave you a roof above your head and you still go to the bars to be a whore instead of coming home!”

When he tries to step towards her, Richard and Miranda move in the same moment, following him, one step ahead to make sure he doesn’t reach his daughter.

“Thatcher, you’re drunk,” The Chief stretches his hand, making an easily-breakable wall. “You cannot be on the premises of Seattle Grace Hospital in this state right now.”

“Dad, please,” Lexie pushes through Addison, with shaking hands and a trembling voice. “I’ll drive you home.”

“No, Doctor Grey, you are not going anywhere,” Bailey instantly says, using the tone of her voice which clearly states any kind of resistance won’t be sufficient enough to change her mind.

Thatcher staggers one more step ahead, raising his hand, as if preparing to strike any time now, “You’re going to know my real rage. The last time?” He laughs, shaking his head, stare like daggers. “It’s going to be nothing in comparison to what I’m going to do this time.”

At this point, Lexie might be as well having a seizure with the way shivers overcome her body. She looks utterly broken, every centimetre of her body surrendering to the pure terror, the visions of what he already did to her and what he plans like a plague in her mind. She can’t stop looking at him, eyes jumping from his face to both of his hands, planning in her mind which one he will raise at her first, thinking how she should duck and lean to avoid big bruising.

She hates to be in public, to show what an embarrassing and easy prey she is, how easy it is to win over her and make tears form in the corners of her eyes. All she prays for is for all her colleagues to disappear, so she can pull her dad down the dirty old sweater into the car and have him beat her up at home, not here, not for everyone to see.

Because they will know. They will know. Everything she’s tried to disguise as bad days and exhaustion, everyone will know. The shaking is not from the fear of his familiar heavy hand when he is wasted, the shaking comes from the vision of her friends and her bosses finding out how pathetic she is in the reality. That the soft Lexie Grey, who has a photographic memory and never fails to help someone out, who hands out empathy like cookies, in the end, is a fool, coming from the blood of her alcoholic abusive father.

That is her nightmare.. her nightmare is for everyone to see.

In the corner of her eye, she sees people on the stairs and further in the corridors, watching the scene from afar. All she wants to do is curl up in a small bundle on the floor and disappear.

That’s when Addison brushes against her and steps towards Thatcher, “Lexie is not going anywhere alone with you.”

“Found yourself bitchy friends just like your sister, Alexandra?”

“Shut the hell up,” Addison snaps all at once. “And get the hell out of here. Get the hell away from Lexie.”

Richard reacts at the same moment, pulling Thatcher gently back, which makes him stagger and stumble over his own feet. Before the man can snap at him, try to throw his hands, Mark and Alex find the perfect moment to walk into the scene, both of them deciding enough is enough.

“What’s happening here?” Sloan has his hands on his hips, ready to jump in.

His sense telling him right because that’s when Thatcher Grey lunges towards his daughter, hands ready to hurt her the way he already learned to do.

Karev catches the back of his sweater, holding him back while Mark jumps in front of the man, catching both of his wrists together.

“Enough of this,” Richard announces loudly, looking into the crazed gaze in Thatcher’s faded eyes. “Take him out of this building.”

“You’ll have a nice day in a sobering chamber,” Alex says with a cynical smile stretching on his lips when he aggressively pulls Thatcher’s side as they pull his unstable body through the corridor with Sloan, away from Lexie and the damage he has done. “Police station is two streets away, we will have a nice walk.”

Mark looks over his shoulder at Lexie one last time before catching up with Karev’s tempo, to lead Grey out of the hospital, once and for all.

Lexie puts her hand over her mouth, first tears springing from her eyes.

At that sight, Miranda Bailey is not able to not fold and soften, opening her arms as she approaches the girl.

“It’s over, Grey,” She says quietly, her voice tender. The moment she speaks, Lexie breaks. Bursting into tears, a choked cry leaves her mouth, sobbing starts to wreck her chest. “Oh, come here, sweetheart.”

Lexie leans into the open embrace as Bailey holds her while she cries and brushes through her dark hair. Quiet shushing eases all the fears and pains inside of the intern, for a moment, she can just… let go. Admit she is not as strong as she wants to be, mirroring her older half-sister, despite her trying her best to be like Meredith. Meredith, who is this hero in her eyes, even when she breaks and gives out - in the end, she is like a heroic character in a myth for Lexie.

But the Grey sisters break, too. She should have known when they admitted Meredith in. That coming from a broken home and having a stable home turned into a broken one within a couple of months in the end, catches up to you.

“Move on, people!” Richard turns his gaze away from the resident holding Lexie and notices the small crowd collecting. “We have enough work for today! Keep going!”

People begin to walk down the corridors and soon, the big gathering turns to just the four of them.

Addison’s footsteps are muffled as she approaches the Chief, trying to keep her voice modulated and steady, not to show how the brutal scene affected her. But her stomach hurts and it only worries her she might hurt herself and the life growing inside of her, with all the emotions.

“There is no way we’re letting Lexie go back home to this man,” She says, hoping that Lexie is too caught up by the soft affirmations coming from Miranda’s mouth to hear their conversation.

“Absolutely not,” Webber crosses his hands on his chest. “But…”

Before he can ask any question, the decision Addison makes in her mind is immediate and clear. No rethinking needed.

“I’m going to take her to pack up her things and take her to a safe place, okay?” Montgomery notices the approving gleam in his eyes when she shows her idea. “As long as he is sobering at the police station, I can talk her into going back there and taking her things, so she doesn’t have to start off without anything.”

“Did you…” Seeing Lexie standing on her own, without leaning into the woman, Richard lowers his voice. “know before what was going on?”

“I had my suspicions,” Addison sighs, hating she was right. “I even told Meredith last night. But you and I, we both know how it is with abuse victims and survivors. When you try to help too suddenly, too soon, they slip away.”

“Yes,” He sighs as well. “Take care of her. If she needs any help… a shrink or any physical wounds…”

“Thank you,” She puts her hand on his arm, smiling sadly. “You’ll be fine without one intern and one attending for today?”

“I’ll manage.”

“Alright.”

After nodding, she turns to get to Lexie and explain to her what’s going to happen next when she feels a hand on her shoulder, a calming manner that makes her realise she’s been holding her breath.

“It’s going to be okay, Addie,” Richard tells her.

That’s when she blinks away the tears she hasn’t realised begin to dance in her eyes and tries to modulate her voice without breaking down. The situation is depressing enough, even more given how badly her hormones are going crazy inside of her - she’s cried today already twice, by matters which don’t mean anything, so it’s obvious in a situation heavy as this, it’s going to hit her like a truck.

When she gets Lexie safe, that’s when she’ll breathe out. That’s when she’s going to call Meredith and… tell her she needs her. Tell her she needs a shoulder to cry on. Maybe. Maybe not.

---

The radio in the car doesn’t layer over the heavy silence, no music, no beat can quiet down the violence of the previous hour.

Lexie is frozen on the passenger seat, unmoved - the only thing indicating the pain in her soul and mind is her teeth biting into her hurt bloody bottom lip and fingers stinging into the skin of her hands so hard they leave dark red crescent moons. She is staring outside the front window, scared to look to her right, parked right in front of the house she has stopped calling home months prior. She watches the heavy rain smash its droplets on the glass, turning the word grey and dark as her thoughts. Not wanting to face the place which has become her prison, not daring to blink.

“I can go alone, you know?” Addison turns the music down and says with a gentle tone. “Just tell me where the suitcase and your room are and I’ll pack your stuff.”

There is no surprise Lexie doesn’t want to go back there, even if it’s a safe location for this moment, even if the monster that destroyed her is gone now. She didn’t expect anything else and is ready to go through the house on her own just to take the most important stuff and drive Lexie to a place where she won’t be afraid to return to.

“No,” Lexie tears her gaze away and looks with her big terrified eyes into Addison’s. “No, he is not home. I can go there.”

But even then, she doesn’t make a single move to get out of the vehicle and just looks helplessly at Montgomery.

“When was the last time you went home?”

A grimace of pain flashes through Lexie’s face at the memory, “Nine… Nine days.”

Nine days of hiding in the Emerald City, nine days of sleeping in the on-call rooms, nine days of using the same two shirts, washing them in the launderette, nine days of waking up sweaty from the nightmares. Even if she wasn’t in the place she learned to call bastille - once she went in, she couldn’t leave without vodka breath on her face and new marks all over her body - it still haunted her.

“You’re ready?” Addison asks and when she gets a stiff nod, she places her hand on Lexie’s thigh, doing the motion as slowly as possible to not scare her. “Let’s go then.”

Lexie grabs her hand suddenly, like a scared animal.

“Sorry,” She instantly lets go. “I don’t know why I did that. Sorry.”

“Lexie, it is alright. I really can go alone.”

But in the end, once Addison opens her door, Lexie goes in her steps and they approach the front door quickly, given the sky is falling down. As if the angels weeping for having one of them hurt so cruelly and heartlessly - but it doesn’t mean anything, no tears in the world, no pity in the world is able to make up for the abuse. Whether God exists or not, Addison can’t care less; there is only anger in her heart as she watches Lexie’s hands shake so badly she cannot open the door at first. But before Addison can reach out and take the keys from her hand, the handle gives out and with a creak, the door opens.

“It’s probably a bit messy, he stopped cleaning a while ago,” Lexie announces quietly as they enter and once the door is closed, there is a reeking odour of alcohol and old food reaching the nostrils. “But my room is neat.”

Lexie is looking around warily, as if checking if no one is about to jump her. Only when Addison hums comfortingly, Lexie turns to look at her, big brown eyes shining in fear; her smile is small and dishonest.

“Mum always had the suitcases hidden in the storage closet by the door to my room,” She leads the way down the right corridor, passing the orange walls with framed photographs - some of the glass are broken and there is one shattered on the floor.

Addison is the first to lean down and pick it up. A familiar face is on the side it was facing the floor and it makes her sigh sadly. Susan, beautiful with pink in her cheeks and joyous glimmers in her kind eyes.

“Your mum was one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met,” She tells Lexie who takes a peek at the photograph. “The brightest. So beautiful.”

“You knew my mum?”

“I did,” Addison nods, putting the photograph on the windowsill before they continue their walk. “We were becoming friends. Taking care of Meredith was a good bonding exercise for us.”

“Oh wow. I hope you’ll tell me more about it one day,” Lexie opens the closet and begins to push the endless plastic hangers to the side, just to expose a big navy blue suitcase. She pulls it out and Addison opens the door which she guesses must be leading to Lexie’s bedroom.

“With delight.”

They don’t take too long to pack up most of the clothes Lexie owns - while Addison folds them, Lexie is browsing through her makeup and cosmetics, along with a couple of books and a photo album filled with developed photographs from her childhood. Addison takes a look around the lilac walls and one of them full of tiny cards with quotes, at the plants slowly dying around the room, no one to water them, no one to care for them.

Where she is going to take Lexie to, there are no dying plants or broken photographs. She is going to show her laughter and comfortable silence and shared meals, even if all of them have to run to the hospital, on-call. There are group showing of rom-coms with Callie and Mark, sometimes Hahn coming along to sit pressed up to Callie. There is messy cooking in the small kitchen and dancing to the music of Torres’ CD collections. Surprise visits from Sloan when he is too bored to stay with nothing happening in the hospital or go back to his hotel room. Karaoke sessions with Callie tipsy and Addison acting as if she is drinking as well and talking about everything and nothing. Meredith’s phone calls at every hour ending up with her paying a visit and Callie throwing cushions at Addison’s guest, telling her to shut up and go talk shit about everyone in the bedroom. There is Yang appearing out of nowhere, some sick part of her missing Burke’s apartment and sometimes Izzie tagging along, shining her big blue eyes at Callie who dramatically shuts the door to the bathroom, refusing to leave until Stevens disappears.

All of it, it might sound chaotic and messy and… not like a traditional home. But it is so much more than that. There is safety in all of it, Addison can swear on her honour, that Lexie is going to be safe and sound in this small apartment.

With the suitcase filled up to the very last centimetre, Lexie pulls it down the hallway and then yelps picking it up on the path leading from the doorway to the car. They speed down to it and Lexie throws all of her baggage, involving the small elephant plush toy and the broken frame of Susan’s photo into the trunk.

“Okay, I probably should have asked before,” Lexie says, falling onto the seat. She finally looks her age, all the additional years that fear and pain put on her gone once she is out of the house, never to come back. “But where are you taking me?”

“We’re going home, Lexie,” Addison smiles and turns the keys in the station. “My home. But before, what’s your favourite food?”

“Candy!” Younger Grey laughs as they leave the street; she knows it will haunt her, the last look she takes at the house, but she can’t stop the carefree laughter. “Candy. For thousand times, candy.”

“I might just know a place.”

With a wink at Lexie, Addison finds herself smiling as well. Christmas miracles can taste so sweet when they are well-deserved and solve something so important, much more than presents under the tree.

---

“Alex!” Meredith raises her hands to the heavens when she sees her roommate finally barge into the house from the downpour that is far away from how snow would be a perfect touch-up to those Christmas preparations. “You’re here! What took you so long?”

She leans on the kitchen island just when Izzie leans down to the oven to pull out her big chocolate speciality for tomorrow’s dinner. The drool-worthy smell takes over the kitchen and Izzie brings out a wide smile to see it has baked perfectly.

“I was dealing with your father,” Alex throws his winter hat onto the counter in front of Meredith, shaking off the rain. “First in hospital and then at the police station.”

Meredith freezes, eyes widening.

“What?”

Alex sighs, “He came- he stormed into the hospital to beat Lexie up. Drunk out of his mind. He was so wasted me and Sloan had to carry him out of the building.”

“Oh my God,” Izzie puts her hand on her mouth, standing next to Mer and putting the free hand on Meredith’s.

“Are you kidding me?” Meredith feels anger bubbling up inside of her.

“No, I’m not,” Alex drops heavily on the chair across the women. “Montgomery, Bailey and Chief took care of your sister and when I got back, she was already gone with Addison.”

“I cannot-” She huffs, lost for words. “Fuck.”

“Maybe inviting her for tomorrow would do her some good, Mer,” Izzie points out, squeezing her tightened fist.

“Girl is traumatised for life. I see the bloodline similarity.”

Meredith sends Alex her death glare and sends him a mean smile when Izzie slaps his hand away from the vanilla cupcakes, “Shut up. There are boxes full of Christmas decorations for the roof and walls waiting for you in the corridor. Get to work.”

Surprisingly, Karev gives up the fight easily and heads upstairs to change into sweats before getting to work. But Meredith stays in place, her lips pressed into a thin line as she thinks about how embarrassing it is, how damaging to have your own father attack you at your workplace. She’s been there and the sound of the slap still rings in her head, the moment she remembers the day of Susan’s death, everything is so vivid. But somehow the bare thought of Lexie going through the same damn thing hurts her much more.

Because that girl is so gentle, so tender, she wouldn’t hurt a fly. Meredith knows she herself can be a little devil and the angsty twisted side of her tells her she perhaps deserved the slap. But in no imagined situation, she can find a reason for anyone to ever slap Lexie, to raise their hand on her. It brings her physical pain to think… to feel Lexie being hurt.

“What are you going to do about Lexie?” Izzie asks her, stepping away to clean up the bowl for the next baked sweets.

“I don’t know,” Meredith turns around and leans her back against the kitchen island, crossing her hands on her chest.” I don’t even have her number. I’m- I hoped he wasn’t hurting her. I hoped it wasn’t true. I might hate her but I wouldn’t wish it for my worst enemy.”

Izzie smiles, “I think she is quite nice.”

“Yeah,” Meredith steals one cupcake and Izzie lets her. “Too bad. I guess I’ll call Addie and ask her about it later when we’re finished with everything.”

“Addie, hmm,” Stevens raises one eyebrow, holding back a cheeky smile as she opens the fridge to get eggs.

“What is that tone?” Meredith’s eyebrow furrow as she cannot cover up the annoyed note in her voice, as she already knows she is being made fun of.

“Nothing,” Izzie passes her by and gives up from acting like she is not having a blast carrying this conversation.

“Iz.”

“Well, I just want you to remember that the whole house will be flooding under the mistletoe. And the moment someone crosses the doorstep of this household, they cannot escape the magical curse of mistletoe.”

“So we all have to pray to not end up with Sloan under it.”

Instead of an agreement she expected from Izzie, she gets the dirtiest of looks, as if porn is playing straight out of Stevens’ eyes while she doesn’t break the eye contact with Mer, just to say: “Because you would rather end up there with someone else.” And she breaks into giggles.

How the hell did they go from shocked and saddened to teasing and straight-up bullying?

“Kiss my ass,” Meredith says flatly.

“I might if it wouldn’t make Satan jealous,” Izzie practically sing-songs.

“This house is a nightmare!” Meredith groans and walks out of the kitchen to go back to wiping off the dust. A salve of laughter follows her out and she rolls her eyes, trying to ignore the skip of her heartbeat at the thought connecting mistletoe and Addison Montgomery.

---

Addison thanks the stars once they arrive in her block and with every step that puts her closer to finally getting out of the tight trousers and shaking off the high heels, she begins to pray less. As she is nearing the end of the fourteenth week of pregnancy, she realises how much heaviness hiding it brings - the very act of walking like she is not carrying life inside of her, like her growing stomach doesn’t wear her down, takes up so much needed energy.

So, the moment she opens the door to the apartment, turning back to send a comforting smile at Lexie who is pulling the suitcase behind her, she can breathe easier.

“Thank God you’re back,” Callie greets her, laying on the couch and watching the TV. “I had the craziest of mornings-” She turns her gaze to Addison just at the moment when Montgomery drops the keys on the kitchen counter and Lexie enters the apartment with a tight, shy smile. “Oh.”

“Hi,” She says quietly and turns to close the door and turn the lock after herself. Holding two paper bags of sweets, she nervously fiddles with them.

“What is happening…?” Callie sits up straighter, confused.

“I brought us home a stray,” Addison announces with a smile.

---

As the night arrives and sweeps two residents of the apartment into sleep, Addison is not one of them. Sat on the right side of the big bed, resting against the doorframe and watching Lexie turn in her sleep. She is one of the most uneasy sleepers she’s ever seen in her life, but she knows today’s events might have something to do with it.

The anxiety takes over her, as well, so each time she tries to lie down and fall asleep, her stomach begins to hurt and she feels tiring waves of nausea hit her. This way, she keeps sitting up and the moment she does and opens her eyes - all of it goes away. She gives up soon and leaves the bedroom in hopes to see Callie still awake but the woman is dead asleep.

Finally, she takes her phone in her hands and sits on one of the stools by the kitchen, quickly typing in.

Addison: Meredith, can you talk? I need you

She breathes out an exhale she didn’t know she was holding when she sends the text. It might be late and the blonde is probably asleep, but it’s worth trying to fight off her jittery mind.

Mer: can you give me 30 minutes?

The response surprises Addison and she realises Meredith and her roommates might be still busy with preparations for tomorrow. Despite the late hour, their household isn’t one to quiet down because of midnight arriving - she has been a witness several times to the mayhem that happens under that roof.

Addison: Of course. Don’t rush.

There is no way she is going to fall asleep anyway, she might as well wait.

The time stretches terribly and she looks behind her back to check if Callie is really asleep and gets disappointed each time she does. She cannot even do the dishes or start to nervously clean the house, scared to wake up any of her friends - so she is stuck with her heavy mind and heart echoing harshly inside her ribcage from all the harmful emotions gathered after a day so emotional like this one.

Perhaps she falls too deeply into her mind, and that’s what makes her almost fall off the stool when she hears knocking on her door.

Who the hell is coming at this hour?

Hesitantly she approaches the door and unlocks it with a heavy heart; clearly not the smartest of ideas to open the door as a pregnant woman to this unknown guest. But what’s done is done and she presses the handle, opening the door, just a crack to get a glimpse of the late-night visitor.

“Hi.”

The quiet rasp in Meredith’s voice greets Addison, her tone gentle and so soft as the most adorable smile on this earth blossoms on her lips. Grey tilts her head, eyes crinkling just because she sees Addison after a long day, raising a brown paper bag from the closest grocery store that’s opened at night.

“Meredith,” Addison opens the door further, lips parted and eyes widened in surprise. “Oh my God, what are you doing here? It’s…” She takes a look at the clock hanging in the living room. “Past 11. You shouldn’t have-”

“You needed me, didn’t you?” As if that question solves why would Meredith drive through Seattle just to be there for Addison.

Addison can’t lie now, “Yes. I did.”

“Can I come in? Just for a minute,” Meredith asks sheepishly. “I really needed to see you, to see if you’re okay.”

“Of course,” Addison says and steps aside, lowering her voice to a bare whisper. “Just… Callie had a shitty day and she is asleep and Lexie is in the bedroom sleeping as well, so we need to stay quiet. Really quiet.”

“Okay,” Meredith whispers back and cracks a wider smile when she steps into the apartment, into the darkness and moonlight as the only thing lighting up the space. It takes a moment for her eyes to adjust but she shuffles off her boots to not make too much noise and puts the bag on the kitchen counter, turning to see Addison locking the door.

“I feel so stupid,” Addison takes off her green bathrobe, not having to hide her bump in her silky nightgown for now. It takes some weight off her shoulders, to be in a presence of someone for who she doesn’t have to pretend. “You really shouldn’t have driven through the city for me.”

Meredith rolls her eyes like that’s the stupidest thing Addison could ever say, “Addie, don’t be daft. I would drive through thousand miles for you, so don’t make it a big deal and tell me what’s going on.” She leans against the counter as Addison rounds it to take her previous seat, turning on a small lamp by the wall, enough for them to see each other and not to wake Callie. “Alex told me about… what went down in the hospital and how are you holding up? It takes a lot of mental strength, what you have gone through today.”

“I’m…”

The sincerely worried gleam in the sapphire shining of Mer’s eyes makes her stop for a moment; it’s near the impossibility to not drown in them. Every time she thinks there is nothing to surprise her, that this world doesn’t hold anything dear anymore for her, everything changes within one glance at Meredith Grey. Because in Addison’s eyes, that woman feels like all the hopes and all the miracles she used to wish for as a kid and a teenager, put into one small body, made to show her the way in the darkness.

She could lie now, say she is okay. But Meredith came here for a reason - to remind her they are always for each other, equals who understand it cannot be fifty-fifty every single day. Sometimes it is eighty and twenty, or sixty and forty. It’s been a long time since she was the one to carry Meredith and she does realise it might come to that again one day, but tonight she gives into that safety of azure colour that paints her dreams.

“I’m exhausted,” The moment she says that out loud, something changes; instead of relief, that’s only the moment when she lets herself feel the pain of today. “I feel like dropping dead and curling up dead for next week. But I don’t want Lexie to find out,” Meredith reaches out on the counter and takes Addison’s hands in hers. “She feels guilty enough for taking up half of my bed and our apartment. But I am so tired.”

“It’s natural you feel tired, Addie,” Meredith whispers softly. “You took a big responsibility to save someone and you have that in your veins, to share help and empathy. Your heart is too good for this world.”

Maybe it’s the late hour which makes opening up so easy, sharing emotions so effortlessly. Midnight conversations always have something about them, which emerges for hard things to be simple and smooth.

“I did what every sensible person would do,” Addison looks down, feeling tears stinging her eyes.

“And how is your baby doing?”

That makes her smile, however.

“For a moment I thought I put them into distress,” She admits, looking at Mer again as she caresses her fingers with her own. “I almost panicked, but we’re okay. Both of us. I don’t want to hurt them, I don’t want to make them be in pain because I cannot deal with my own feelings.”

Meredith shakes her head gently, silently disagreeing with these words. She lets go of Addie’s hands and quietly goes around the counter, pushing the free stool to stand close to the brunette as she makes eye contact, making sure Addison hears every single word and sticks it into that treacherous brain of hers.

“You’re doing amazing, Addie,” Meredith says with a smile. “Given you haven’t told your friends yet, only me and Bailey know, you are doing fantastically with such a small support system. It would make it so much easy if everyone knew, yet you are dealing with everything almost on your own and you still manage to shine through every difficulty, and…” Perhaps it is silly in her mind, but she pulls onto Addie’s stool so she turns to face her with her body and leans down to her stomach. “Forgive your mom, but she cares about everyone and she has the biggest heart possible, so… please, forgive her, little… bee. She is doing her best and she loves you to death.”

“Little bee?’ Addison chuckles.

“First thing that came to my mind,” Meredith looks up, feeling her cheeks burning red as she stands up straight. She feels a bit unhinged realising she has just spoken to Addison’s stomach like one of those insane ladies she watched in hospitals too many times. What the hell has happened to her? If Cristina ever caught her doing that, she wouldn’t hear the end of it.

“I like little bee,” Addison chuckles again. She still hasn’t found a way to address her baby and this feels perfect - she can’t quite decide if it’s really perfect or it’s just because it comes from Meredith.

“So feed little bee,” Meredith decides to escape any more embarrassment and reaches for the bag, taking out a small package of tiramisu and currant juice. “Your favourites.”

Addison’s eyes light up at that, “Meredith, that is exactly the reason why you are my favourite person.”

“Yep, I’m pretty sure that’s the reason.”

Two minutes later, Addison has gone through half of the dessert with a tiny fork and has drunk a tall glass of juice, while Meredith steals a piece from time to time. Usually, Addison wouldn’t share - she stopped doing that after the fifth week of pregnancy when this sudden and overpowering hunger took over her and never halted. But Meredith can have some. A small amount. Just a bit.

“Also,” Addison speaks up after the silence. “I have to bring Lexie tomorrow with me, okay?”

“Okay,” Meredith nods, deciding not to fight about that just to show off how little she cares; she can stop acting for a moment. “I didn’t expect anything else. She needs to leave the house and spend some time with people who are… chaotic in a way her father isn’t. Warmth kind of chaos. Too busy to let the thoughts wander. And you need the same thing. Maybe you’ll tell everyone tomorrow?”

“About baby bee?” It’s impossible to stop the teasing note in her voice.

“Yes,” Mer rolls her eyes.

“I think I might do that.”

“Do you hear that?” Mer tilts her head down to the belly again. “You’re going to become everyone’s deal from tomorrow until forever.”

Yes, Meredith has officially lost it.

“You’re scaring me with that stomach talking,” Addison says, feeling like she is experiencing high Meredith again.

Still leaning down, Mer looks her big eyes up, “I’ve been awake for thirteen hours talking only about Christmas and doing only things for Christmas, so yes, I might have lost my mind.”

“Mer!” Addison loses all fun from her attitude, dropping the fork and crossing her arms. “Go home right now and sleep it off.”

“I will.”

“Meredith.”

“Okay, okay,” Grey raises her hands, surrendering. “Finish your tiramisu and go to sleep as well. You deserve a lot of rest after today. And don’t worry about a thing anymore, because we are a team. Thank you for taking Lexie in. It means… a lot to me. That you protect her."

“You would do the same thing if you were in my place today. She is your family, Meredith,” She notices the little fires of defence blazing in Mer’s eyes at the family comment and she raises a finger to put her in her place before they get into an argument. “I know you don’t have good experience with biological family, but Lexie is a good one. And she will most definitely not let it go once I tell her what you call my baby.”

Meredith pushes herself off the counter, sighing, “Bite me, Montgomery.”

Heading to the door, she leans down to put on her boots, being followed by Addie who unlocks it.

“Be a good girl and not a brat,” She smiles brightly, getting another eye-roll.

Sleep-deprived Meredith is either a twelve-year-old during a rebel phase or an old lady from a patient’s family who is obsessed with pregnancy baby.

“Bye, Addison,” Mer says out of the door and turns to smile at her. “Bye, little bee.”

“Bye, Mer,” Addison leans against the doorway, feeling like right now she could really fall asleep. “Text me when you get home.”

Standing there with a hand on her stomach, she waits until the footsteps stop echoing in the shadowed staircase and then, turns to close the door. Taking the last piece of tiramisu, she throws the nightgown over her frame and shuffles her feet to the bedroom. Lexie has stopped turning and curled up on the edge of the bed, breathing lightly. They will be fine, Addison thinks and falls onto her side of the bed, thinking that little bee secret will be out in the world by that time tomorrow.

Notes:

see you next week when we finally get to start the christmas mayhem!! (that’s gonna be a three chapters event)
i am forever thankful for every comment<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=Alm1j4moTUaQL_BEVbib9A&pi=e-Oz3JEuVMTCyo

Chapter 41: a face of a lover with a fire in his heart

Notes:

hii guys!
thank you so much for your endless support. all the kind words you leave in the comments make my week every single time and i'm really happy to welcome new readers into my fic:)

i've waited AGES to finally post this chapter (ever since i have written it in april) and you'll find out why just a couple scenes in... also, i believe this is the longest chapter i have posted yet - over 8k words so make yourself a cup of steaming tea or a mug of hot chocolate to get into reading. aaaand prepare yourself for a lot of DRAMA because of course i wouldn't have it any other way. and y'all know me well enough already to know i can never keep it peaceful in seattle.

also, i made a special playlist for christmas event, chapter 41-43, so there you go: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5JoNBP2e94EBtFBipAk7c1?si=6b883968570240ed

hope you enjoy this one!! it's pretty special<3

The early rise and shine yelled out through the house by Izzie doesn’t work for either Meredith or Alex, but they do wake up eventually to make the finishing touches around the house. Panic happens when they realise they have forgotten about the Christmas tree.

An hour before the dinner, Alex comes back with a crooked poorly ugly tree and they begin decorating, deciding it’s never too late. Red and golden chains, colourful fairy lights and lots of old glass balls from the carton boxes in the attic are everywhere around the living room - just then, the terrible rain which hasn’t stopped over the night turns into thick big snowflakes.

Christmas miracles, right? Miracle tree, miracle snowstorm, the miracle of suddenly feeling suicidal while chatting with your roommate and laughing.

It catches Meredith off guard, always. Every goddamn time depression finds her not alone or at night; it finds her with her family and friends, fooling around and wanting to be excited for the future. That’s when the demons discover where she is and disarray her brain, making her feel insane. She doesn’t know if Alex notices, but he knows much more than he lets on to see - his eyes sometimes follow her around, reading into every move, as if to check if he shouldn’t disattach the whole door to the bathroom.

But she won’t ruin tonight’s party. She won’t be dark and twisted, she will be colourful and light.

Alex’s gaze gets heavy, so when she hears a ringing at the door, she almost runs off into the hallway.

“I’ll get it!” Meredith calls out and rushes to the door.

As she opens it, she is greeted by two smiley faces with pink cheeks and noses from the freezing temperature.

“Hi,” Addison smiles, her lips painted in a dark burgundy colour that makes her lips look so… kissable. “Merry Christmas!”

“Hi, guys,” Meredith lets them in and tries not to grin too widely when Addie kisses her cheek for greeting, clearly feeling very festive and excited; perhaps her mood will spread into Mer’s sickened head. “Please, come in.”

“I come bearing gifts,” Addison raises two bags and then points at the girl behind her. “Including Lexie.”

“Yep, exactly,” Lexie chuckles and takes a hesitant look at Meredith, almost fearful. “Hi.”

“Lexie, hi,” Meredith smiles at her, deciding to put her walls down just for this one day, knowing what hell her half-sister has just put behind her. “Let me take your coats.”

“And let me take your gifts.”

Alex appears in the hallway, one of the fluffy garlands tangled around his neck and shoulders, reaching for the bags with wine and scotch. He nods at Lexie who follows him into the house while Meredith takes Addison’s thick fur coat and hangs it by the entrance. When she turns around to face the woman, she feels like the air is being kicked out of her lungs.

She looks dazzling.

Her dress is dark red, almost as dark as the burgundy lipstick that matches perfectly. It hugs Addie’s chest perfectly with a heart neckline and long sleeves and follows her waist but stops the tightness just above the stomach, as the skirt opens fully to perfectly hide the pregnancy. The material looks so warm and soft that Meredith cannot help herself but reach out to touch the sleeve, her thumb circling it. Velour material feels fluffy beneath her fingers and she smiles, in awe.

The golden necklace on Addison’s neck with matching glittering earrings make a beautiful addition to the outfit, but none of it could even compare to the smile on Addie’s face.

Once Meredith sees it, she feels her demons hiding away. All it takes is one smile, that toothy grin, almost silly that she’s noticed that Addison has reserved only for her and she feels herself being picked up from the ground and ready to fight with the darkness. So, what else can she do if not smile back - not letting go of the sleeve.

“You look lovely,” Mer says.

“And you’ve got my lipstick on your cheek,” Addison bites her bottom lip after the cheeky comment. Her hand raises to Meredith’s face and she brushes the little dots of burgundy off her cheek, careful not to mess up her makeup.

When she sees Meredith go dark red, she decides to drop the teasing, “You look gorgeous. We match. Christmas colours.”

They do since Meredith found at the bottom of her wardrobe that old tightly-fitting emerald dress she bought during travelling through Europe. It’s on thick straps exposing her collarbone and shoulders and has a straight neckline and reaches her mid-thigh; there are tiny glitter flecks shining in the lighting. She feels a bit cold in it but she is aware of how easily the house gets warm when it’s crowded, so she expects once everyone arrives and they get to eat, she won’t even notice the temperature.

“God bless we didn’t put on the same colour,” Meredith jokes, earning a glare from Addison.

Before they can start mocking each other and fully fall into the teasing and endless arguments, tiring everyone with their talking, Izzie peeks into the hallway as she holds mistletoe in her hands.

“Hi, Doctor M-”

“Addison,” Montgomery instantly cuts her off with a gentle smile while Meredith freezes behind her back as she remembers yesterday’s conversation, including that damned mistletoe, lesbianism and feelings for inappropriate people.

“Hi, Addison,” Izzie cheekily smiles and begins to hang the mistletoe in the doorway leading to the living room.

“Mistletoe, hmm?” Addison approaches her to help her anchor it to the wall.

Izzie nods as it’s finally in its place, “Couldn’t have Christmas without it.”

“Truer words have never been said,” Addison smiles as she turns to Meredith, happy like a kid, then back to Izzie. “Seems like we ended up underneath it.”

Meredith’s mouth drops open as she watches Izzie shrug like it’s not a big deal and quickly pecks Addison’s dark-painted lips then turns back to get back to the kitchen to finish preparing all the dishes. She cannot believe that she has just watched someone kiss Addison Montgomery and her stomach suddenly hurts and she feels nauseous; there are so many things wrong about the scene she has just seen and she doesn’t understand why she minds so fucking much. Izzie is with Alex, Izzie is straight - well, possibly, given their conversation at the hen party - and Addison… is straight as well? And…

“Where do you need my help?”

Addison’s voice brings her out of her head as she nods towards the big ugly Christmas tree that Alex is taking care of.

“Uh-” Meredith shakes awake. “Well, we are effed in the a with preparations, to be honest. We need to end decorating the living room and the dining table.”

“I’m your girl then,” Addison instantly heads to Alex to help him out while Meredith is staring daggers at the bloody mistletoe. If she thought she disliked holidays before, now she hates them. She begins to sulk around the kitchen while Izzie points her to the things she needs to help out, but in the end, she gets kicked out for being more of a lazy obstacle than a helper.

Just when she decides to join Lexie who is standing by the fireplace adding to the fire, the next guests arrive, ringing at the door.

“I am surprised people aren’t late,” Mer says walking through the living room. “I expected everyone to be late, not show up forty minutes early-” She stops her rant as she opens the door to Mark and Amelia both laughing at something. “Hello.”

“Big Grey!” Mark clasps. “Ho ho ho!”

Amelia pushes Mark with her elbow, “Merry Christmas!” She raises the big bottle in her hand. “I heard you like tequila, so merry tequila!” She hands it to the blonde and pushes her way inside, Mark following.

“Thank you,” Meredith smiles at the bottle, knowing it will go hide in the cocktail cabinet as she hasn’t touched alcohol for almost a month, ever since… since she got her intensive medication.

“Please, come inside.” It’s just pleasantries as the duo has already taken off their jackets and wiped the wet boots, storming into the house.

Izzie appears in the room to see new guests, frowning at the unknown face.

“Hi, guys,” She smiles nonetheless. “I’m Izzie,” She reaches out her hand to shake and Amelia catches up instantly.

“Amelia,” She nods. “Amelia Shepherd. Derek’s sister. But I hate him as much as everyone.”

“Nice to meet you then,” Izzie takes one more glance and says before returning to the kitchen. “I guess you haven’t met Alex and Lexie yet.”

After that, Stevens disappears and doesn’t notice Amelia’s smirk when Lexie’s name is mentioned. She turns to Mark, already chuckling as he quickly approaches her, blocking the way to Lexie, raising one finger - completely in his older brother mode.

“Amelia, no,” He ignores Meredith and Addison watching him with amusement. “Little Grey is a big no-no.”

That’s about to be a hell of a dinner.

---

To keep Amelia and Lexie apart, who are so enchanted by each other they cannot even take their eyes away from the other, Mark asks Izzie to do something. Stevens decides to give in, looking at the dark look in Mer’s eyes as she watches every single move of Derek’s sister and pulls Amelia into the kitchen, right with Addison to finish the cooking. It is hard to be away from her command centre, her kingdom of food but the only person she trusts with it is Montgomery.

Then, she makes Meredith and her sister put the dinnerware on the dining table and make sure the silverware is in the right places, while she goes fix the mess that the Christmas tree is, while Alex and Mark just stand by, talking about boring men things.

Addison doesn’t have much trouble taking over the kitchen, feeling in her element. She might have been raised without abilities to clean or do laundry, but she’s always felt a pull towards the kitchen - whether it was cooking or baking, she just found herself easily there; it brought a certain peace within her soul, to create something she can give out to others and make them feel fuller and better. For a couple of years in her life, eating became hell and the thought of stepping into the kitchen made her nauseous, but she found a way out; now, being here makes her feel like a fighter, like she makes her illness remember she is stronger than the fear of eating.

Amelia might be not the perfect cook, but she most certainly doesn’t lack in willingness to learn and they work together just fine. The conversation flows as if Addison was ten years younger, taking care of Derek’s youngest sister, but even with this, she doesn’t expect the sudden question to come.

She is leaning toward the oven to check on the roast turkey, humming to the song from the radio when Amelia stops cutting the vegetables for the salad.

“Addie,” Amelia sing-songs before her voice gets back to normal. “Do you believe in soulmates?”

“Where is the question coming from?” She stands upright, deciding the turkey needs twenty-five minutes more, at least and making a confused face at Amelia.

“Curiosity,” One thing about Amelia Shepherd: she is a terrible liar. “Boredom. Need to talk to a sister I haven’t seen in years.”

Sister.

Addison’s heart softens at that words. It always does, and always has because her heart used to almost belong to that little scranky teenager with bruises on her knees from skateboarding and two pigtails Amelia wore until she turned seventeen. She raised that girl, along with Mark and Derek and if Christmas couldn’t be better this year - she has everyone she loves in one place. Her best friend, Mark and Callie, Lexie and now Amelia. There are a few spots missing but she has to admit that in comparison to what last Christmas felt like, this is just Garden of Eden.

“Well, I think there are soulmates in the world,” She decides to go with the same version she did with Lexie and… Hold on. Lexie. Amelia. Soulmates talk. Ah. “I think every person has different kinds of soulmates in their lives.”

“And do you believe in love at first sight?” Amelia pushes, her back leaning against the kitchen island as her big hopeful eyes staring up at Addison, shining as if Addie’s opinion can paint her world either black or white.

“I haven’t really thought about that.”

Perhaps she is too bitter to admit that, but Derek did feel like love at first sight. She was leaving her class, heading into the campus to meet up with one of her studying buddies when he called after her. She turns around to see that beautiful face and amazing hair and that damn look in his deep eyes and he asked for her name. Then, when she told him, he smiled. And that’s all it took. Just like a fairytale.

Now, she knows fairytales lie and stand up for right things from wrong motives and begin to neglect women who only want love. She is older and wiser now and everything tells her she shouldn’t believe in the love of any kind… but she does… and that is because…

That’s because of Meredith Grey.

A chuckle comes out of her throat when it hits her.

It’s been Meredith Grey all this time.

Fairytales might not exist, but something else exists - true love. The true unconditional love that’s made from swimming together in the ocean and holding the one who’s hurting; it’s built from sleeping intertwined beneath the covers, carved from the tears that you wipe from each other’s cheeks and from soft kisses on the temple and the cheeks. It’s created from the tender promises to stand by each other through the storm and through paradise. The devotion that makes a person believe in loving each other quietly, not for the show, not for the dramatics.

That’s what Addison believes now. Not love at first sight, at least not in her case.

“I am not sure about love at first sight,” She looks up from the floor and her heart feels brand new; the answer has been here all this time and she was too stupid to see it. “But I believe in love at second sight.”

Amelia frowns at that, tilting her head and nibbling on her bottom lips, “Second sight?”

“It’s when you meet someone and it seems impossible, even liking them at all; wrong timing, bad circumstances, ocean parting the two of you. But then, you take your time and you forget this person could ever mean something to you,” Addison is in perfect position as she stands straight at the entrance to the kitchen, where she gets a view of the dining room. Meredith is talking to Lexie across the table and her face lights up at some joke and when she laughs, all Addie can think is yes, that’s the one. “Out of a sudden, your paths collide - and you look at them. But truly look at them. You see them, the flaws, the beauty, the inside of their heart, all of their pain and happiness, every single thing at the subatomic level that makes them them. And you think: goddamn, how did I ever miss this? How did I not see this at the first time? And the feeling swallows you, whole.”

Her heart should be rushing wildly, she should be covered with an enormous wave of panic, but instead, she just stares at Meredith, thinking this is it.

“Addie.”

Amelia’s soft voice brings her out of this charm and it feels like hell to stop looking at Meredith. All she wants to do now is to look at her, now when she sees her.

“What?” There is probably a dumb smile on her lips but she doesn’t care for this one moment.

“You are in love,” Shepherd grins, in awe to be a witness of this discovery. There is some teasing in her voice, but mostly, she is happy; she can’t imagine what pain Derek brought Addison, how the two of them hurt each other time after time. It’s pure magic to see someone love again.

“I…” Addison nods, laughing carefreely. “I guess I am.”

“And it’s not Derek anymore?” Amelia asks. “Or Mark?”

Addison’s eyes widen and shakes her head, hand on her shaking chest, “God forbid!”

That sends the two of them into a wave of laughter, forgetting about the food and the cooking and that they are in the middle of Christmas.

“But you are, too, aren’t you, Amy?” The nickname slips from her tongue and she wonders if she can use it, after all this time and prepares herself for a snap of anger.

Instead, she gets a melted smile, “Oh, I don’t know if I can call it love yet.”

Grey sisters are irresistible, Montgomery wants to say and barely keeps her mouth shut instead of adding, it takes one hit and you’re gone.

“But a crush?” She raises an eyebrow teasingly, chuckling at the same time as Amelia. The younger woman approaches Addison, standing by her side, to watch Lexie put the silverware and fix the tablecloth, and sighs loudly.

“An infatuation at first sight.”

“Good luck with that.”

When Addison laughs, Amelia stabs her with her elbow in the ribs, trying not to laugh. But both of them fail and they laugh so loudly, they bring all of the present guests and hosts into the kitchen and their faces turn red only at the idea of sharing the absurd conversation they’ve just had. In the end, Izzie kicks them out of her realm, sudden trust issues with Addison’s clear thinking and when she ends up on the couch, her heart skips a beat as Meredith sits next to her.

“What was that thing with Amelia?” Grey murmurs to her, as she leans in.

“Oh, just sisters catching up,” Addison has to look up from the magazine in her lap and she smiles. “I missed her a lot. Thank you for letting her in for Christmas.”

“I will do anything that can make you happy.”

Addison cannot stop the grin on her face as she raises her hand to brush back a curled strand of blonde hair behind Meredith’s ear, “You just made a very dangerous promise, Mer,”

She may say that but in her head, all she can think of is: then kiss me now. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me before I lose my mind.

---

Fifteen minutes before five strikes the clock, the house finally settles the festive aura in the air. It is clear with the scent of pine and cinnamon filling the downstairs; all of the garlands hung in the right spots, interlaced with holly and mistletoe. The Christmas tree doesn’t look as tragic as it did when Alex carried it inside - the ornaments, fairy lights and tinsel decorating it and doing the job.

The long dining table that hasn’t been used since the evening of the dinner with Thatcher and Susan now looks as good as new. Covered in a white smooth tablecloth with golden elements, on top of it are placed fine china, crystal glasses and the best set of silverware Meredith manages to find in many boxes of one of the unused rooms where she stores all the things that belonged to her mother. A bouquet brought by Addison, of red and green flowers sits at the centre of the table, where on both of its sides are set candles in golden shining candlesticks, the small fires playing shadows on the table.

In the kitchen, Addison is the only person that Izzie lets in again as they make the final touches to all of the meals. The fest is presenting beautifully; the turkey, ham and prime rib are all done and waiting in the oven until the missing guests arrive. Bowls of mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes wait on the kitchen island and Addison makes sure green beans and carrots are ready to be served.

Despite how many chaotic souls are under one roof, the atmosphere has become calm and organised, as the group of people sit in the living room, in deep conversations waiting to be called for dinner into the next room.

Izzie leaves Addison for a moment, to go into the bathroom but just as she enters the hallway, the loud familiar ring by the front door resounds. Expecting Cristina or Callie, she rushes to open the door just so she can run back to the bathroom, but instead of any of the women, she is met with George’s smiling face.

“Hey, Iz,” His car is parked in the street behind him and when he enters the house, he doesn’t even take off his jacket. “I thought I would come in to wish everyone happy holidays before I leave and-”

From what Izzie knows, George couldn’t make it to the party - that’s what Meredith told her last evening, not meeting her eyes. But he is here now and she feels like something is not right.

“- Is that the smell of Turkey?”

Izzie steps aside and closes the door, then frowns at his surprise, “It is.”

“Why?” George is looking at her with pure confusion.

“What do you mean why?” There is something missing here, she must be missing something. It’s clear that Christmas dinner, or party, wouldn’t be all about alcohol. Obviously, they aren’t assembling here for getting wasted, they need to eat something, too. And Izzie cooked just the same turkey last year when they spent Christmas just the three of them, before George got married and moved out, before Alex suddenly was pulled into Izzie’s orbit again because of the empty bedroom standing with no tenants, while the bills kept rising when she lived here only with Meredith.

But he never answers her, stepping forward into the corridor until he stands at the doorway to see people moving around; Mark carrying the radio from the kitchen into the living room, Meredith talking with Lexie on the couch, Amelia following Alex to make sure the fire in the fireplace is burning bright, warming up the household.

“What’s going on here?”

When his voice resounds in the busy space, everyone silences at one moment and turns their heads to look at him.

His eyes instantly meet Meredith’s and she is like a wide-eyed criminal, caught in the act. But instead of fear, there is shame in her look, embarrassment and almost something resembling disgust. She is such a mess of feelings in one place and it burns to be looked at the way she is looking at him.

“The party,” Izzie is right behind him, the only one to answer.

“What party?” George turns to look at her, hoping for an explanation.

Izzie chuckles at him, “The one Meredith is hosting.”

That’s when Addison steps out of the kitchen, instantly heading towards the couch. She stands behind where Meredith is sitting and places one of her hands on Mer’s shoulder. The blonde raises her own hand to lace their fingers together; George stares at someone he believed was his friend, while she is still that same Meredith - the one who made him feel less than a man, who cried like a baby while he was trying to feel good, who- infuriated him so badly sometimes.

“Meredith, what is this?”

“You didn’t invite him? Izzie asks, pushing through the doorway, and leaning against the wall; she is not angry, she doesn’t understand, simple as that.

And a terrifying panic overcomes Meredith. She opens her mouth but no words come out, the only thing that replays in her mind is Addison’s reaction from two days prior, the concern and fury for the man that has just stepped inside her house, her safe place. She doesn’t want to think about the night she got so wasted she barely knew how to speak properly, about how bad it was with George that she actually wished it was Derek on top of her. Both visions disgusting, but... Derek she was used to, he never hurt her like this during sex.

But the warmth of Addie’s hand brings her home, bringing her to at least try to feel serene inside.

“I’m not a resident, so you’re not playing with me?” George decides to ditch the nice-guy appearance, halting to care about how his childish anger makes him look. “I’m not enough for you-” His eyes then fall on Lexie and it makes him outburst. “She is here? Lexie is here, the sister you can’t stand but I’m not invited?”

It makes Lexie sigh quietly, “I’m sorr-”

“No,” Addison’s steady and loud, merciless voice echoes through the walls. “Don’t apologise, Lexie.”

She notices Alex staring at her and it takes one glance shot at him for Karev to stand up. They might not talk a lot and often, but some months ago they grew close as was constantly on her watch in the hospital; you cannot learn who someone is if you keep working together every day, keep eating lunches together, keep discussing the hospital gossip. They might be far apart now, but one thing Alex learned is that Addison always has her reasons for something; nothing superficial, but deep reasonings, which prove she is mean only when it has logic and sensible explanations. She is not a woman to stand up against someone just because she feels like it. So, this one glance from her and he is ready to fight George, stepping towards him.

“Bambi, get the hell out of my house before I kick your ass,” His voice turns dark and low, as he stares at the pathetic excuse of a man in front of him.

“I used to live here as well!”

“But you don’t anymore.”

Addison breathes out deeply when she sees O’Malley’s mouth opening once again. So, she decides to speak up, “We are playing with interns, we are. But the ones who aren’t sexual assaulters. So, just like Karev said, please, leave this house.”

Izzie’s jaw drops and George stares daggers into Addison, but she couldn’t care less. It’s her Meredith she is fighting for, the woman she would kill and die for, so at least what she can do is to make sure this snake doesn’t step into her comfort zone, doesn’t ever lay a finger on her ever again.

“What?” George collects himself, despite the ten seconds of silence and the expression that painted his face for the shortest of moments shows he knows exactly what she is talking about. “What are you even talking about?”

Addison feels Mark’s presence behind her before he whispers into her ear.

“Red?” His voice is a low growl. “What is it?”

“Not me,” She turns her head to notice their faces are inches apart, and Mark’s eyes search for her answer to a question he has asked without speaking. So, Montgomery nods gently and there might as well be rifles in Mark’s gaze, ready to shoot and kill.

“O’Malley, get the fuck out of here,” He says calmly.

At least, everyone reads that as calmly, but Addison has known Mark for what is half of her life and she knows that the lilt in his tone means he might as well start swinging any second now. His presence is heavy and fuming and the warmth of it brings her the little comfort that anyone in a scene like this can bring.

“Hey, stop this,” Izzie pushes herself off the wall and rises her hand protectively, putting a safety line between George and the rest of the guests. “You can’t speak to him like that.”

“Mark…” Meredith feels guilty all at once, to make such a fuss about her. She turns to look at him with pleading in her eyes. “Take it easy.”

That makes him snort.

“Both of you,” Mark points at Meredith and Izzie. “Shut up and get it together.“ Then he points his two fingers at George. “O’Malley, get out.”

“Guys,” George says but even Izzie doesn’t say anything when her eyes watch Meredith closely. “Is nobody going to…. fine. I have a family to see anyway.”

Nobody stops him when he turns around and loudly shuts the door as he steps out into the snowstorm. There is just silence and the Christmas music playing from the radio puts some kind of absurd feeling for the scene that just had its dramatic crescendo.

“I will need some explanations, “Izzie says, still staring at Meredith who nods.

But all she wants to do is run up the stairs and shut her bedroom door - she cannot lock it anymore - and curl up on the bed. Not to cry, not to weep and sob for the flashbacks, more like supercuts because of how drunk she was that night. She wants to hide from the whole world; almost. Because even there, she expects Addison to follow her and lie behind her and hold her as everything falls apart; that’s who Addison Montgomery is to her - the one to even accompany her when everything pulls at the seams and collapses and breaks down.

“You will get them,” Meredith ignores how shaky her voice is. “I promise, Iz. But not today.”

Everyone moves from their places, away from the scene that played itself in front of everyone and guests begin to talk again, ignoring the tension. But then the loud bang of the front door rings and everyone halts, freezing. Everyone waits for O’Malley to storm back in.

But instead, there is just Cristina, her hair full of white melting snowflakes, just like her black jacket.

“Merry Shitmas, baby!”

Meredith breaks a real smile at her person.

---

The last arrivals are Callie who took Erica Hahn as her companion and that’s when the whole gang finally takes it as a sign to enter the dining room. As everyone takes their seats, Cristina takes one glance at Meredith and then turns to see if Addison has worry in her eyes, and that’s all she’s got to know to take her place on her person’s right. Meredith is sitting at the top of the table, her eyes stuck on the white shining plate.

Underneath the tablecloth, Cristina sneaks her hand in and catches Mer’s cold fingers. It makes Grey look up and smile weakly and she whispers ‘later’, just not to be underneath Izzie’s careful watch and her judgement. Christmas is already hellish enough, she truly doesn’t need the continuation of the drama that took over her house just a quarter earlier.

“Who are we waiting for?”

Addison pops her head out of the kitchen, “I just called Doctor Bailey and she told me we should start without her. And Chief has some kind of malfunction at the hospital, so I think we’re good to go,” Then she calls Meredith to her with her pointing finger, which makes Meredith blush - what for? She is not sure. There is something about Addison and her long glorious fingers…

What the fuck?

She stands up, her knees hitting the table and she apologises before joining two women in the kitchen.

“You’re the main host, you get to carry the turkey,” Izzie says.

There is not an ounce of outrage she held to Meredith just a moment before and she doesn’t even have to guess what happened - it’s obvious Addison gave her one of her overprotective ted talks and this one time, Meredith doesn’t mind. She has had enough of drama for nine lifetimes.

“Really, guys?” She stares at the big bird, roasted, with golden skin spread out on the big silver plate.

“Yes,” Addison and Izzie say in unison.

Before she can tell them no, both of them head into the dining room, leaving her and the main dish alone. She stares at the cursed turkey, as if it's her enemy but hearing the waves of laughter and conversations coming from the lightened room, she gives in. Picking up the plate, she sniffs the still-hot meat and swallows saliva, suddenly feeling how hungry she is after a whole day of fasting.

Throwing her hair on her back, she takes a deep breath and walks out of the kitchen.

“She’s here!” Cristina exclaims, the first to see Meredith coming.

“Hi,” Meredith smiles and nods at Mark and Callie who quickly make more place for the turkey, so she can place it without accidentally setting the tablecloth on fire with the big candles. “Thank you,” She smiles radiantly, trying to be a person who is not dark and twisted, at least fake being one. “I am not big on public speeches but I want to thank all of you for coming. Or, for those who live here and moved their asses from the beds in the morning and helped me out.” She gets applause of sincere laughter from around the table as she takes her seat. “So yeah, happy holidays.”

Amelia looks around the table, “Should we do a toast? I don’t know how you do it here, guys.”

“Yeah, a toast,” Izzie nods thoughtfully. “We need to pour wine then!”

Alex is the first to stand up, he picks up one of many bottles that are put on the side and manages to open it by hand. Carefully not to spill, he pours the drinks but when he runs out of wine halfway through, Lexie is ready and picks up a second one but as she struggles with opening, Mark has some mercy and reaches out to help her out.

Soon, everyone has their tall glasses full and ready to listen to Meredith speak up again.

She is not having any of it.

“I think there is another lady that should be doing the toast,” Meredith looks across the table, hating how far away she is from Addison. “The one who gave the idea for this evening to even happen.”

The eye roll she gets makes Meredith grin cheekily.

“Oh, Mer,” Addison chuckles. There is something different here, Meredith can swear; she hasn’t paid enough attention before, too bustling after George storming in, but now she sees it. Addison is looking at her differently - and she has no idea why. Her voice is layered in so many emotions and she can’t read Montgomery, for the first time in such a long time.

She is not worried, not at all. It doesn’t feel like a bad thing. It’s just… disparate.

“C’mon, you blackmailed me into celebrating this bullshit,” Meredith says. “Your time to shine, boss.”

It doesn’t take more convincing for Addison to stand up, careful to pull at her dress enough so it doesn’t touch her stomach.

“Okay, then,” She looks around at the people at the table and smiles gently. “Where do I start… I came here over a year ago, and if someone told me then that I’m going to lose my husband to his beautiful smart talented mistress and that’s going to be the best thing in my life, I would think how good can that be? I would see it as the most tragic thing that could ever happen to me. Because for the place of a neglectful painful marriage, instead I found my best friend, made up with the man I’ve known for decades and found true unconditional friendship in my colleagues. I built my life back up, on my rules. So I want to make a toast for the family you find without your bloodlines and for those miracles that you never see coming. For the chance every single new day gives you.”

When she finishes, there is only a distant sound of the radio forgotten in the living room, everyone staring at her.

“That was beautiful,” Mer says with a smile, pretending there are no tears dancing in her eyes. But everything hurts when Addison calls her beautiful and smart and talented in front of everyone; she is so caught up in her feelings, she misses the look Callie and Mark give each other and how Amelia’s face turns into understanding when she realises who Addison is in love with.

“Very beautiful,” Hahn nods.

Mark begins to clap, “Loved that, Red. Thank you for giving me a cameo.”

They begin to stand up with their glasses in their hands and raise them at once. However, once everyone finishes up, they look at Addison, who is standing with her glass completely full.

“Why are you not drinking, Montgomery?” Callie asks what everyone is thinking.

Addison chuckles and takes one quick look at Meredith whose face lights up when she understands what’s about to happen.

“Well… I guess that’s the right time to announce,” She takes a deep inhale.

“Announce what?” Izzie tilts her head curiously.

“I am pregnant.”

The shocked faces everywhere are worth it and Meredith cannot help herself but burst into giggles. That causes even more confusion and havoc in the guests’ minds when they look at her, all smiley and excited. But she is not the first to break the silence.

“Oh my God, Satan will have baby demons,” Cristina says, her face quickly turning smug when her comment causes laughter.

“Cristina!” Mer stabs her with her elbow, but Addison is laughing at Yang.

“Are you kidding me?” Callie pushes her chair back and walks up to Addison, hugging her tightly and gasps. “Oh my God, I can literally feel your belly! How far are you?”

But before Addison can answer that, she is flooded with congratulations and Amelia comes to hug her as well, and when she finally manages to sit down, Lexie smiles at her and asks quietly if she can hug her as well, which ends up with Addison almost crushing the girl in her arms for her pure heart.

“It’s my kid, isn’t it?” Mark smirks.

“Shut up,” Addison tells him just as Callie hits him playfully.

“How far are you?”

“Right at the end of thirteen weeks,” Addison says, feeling her chest swell with pride. To share the news with her people, she never guessed that would give her so much joy; here she is, hands settled warmly on her small but still round stomach and she doesn’t have to pretend, to hide.

“And you managed to hide it for so long?” Izzie asks, surprised she hasn’t noticed anything earlier.

Erica hums, “Impressive.”

Alex, who still hasn’t said anything, looks pale and murmurs, “Thank fucking God.”

That makes Meredith remember and it takes one look in the eyes for both of them to be sent into choked laughter, impossible to stop. Every person around the table looks at them, but it passes Alex and Meredith by, because once they halt, they need to make some explanations. Ignoring the “whats” coming from every direction, they stay in their little bubble just for five more seconds.

“He-” Meredith wipes off a tear of amusement, attempting to ease down the laughter still replaying in her throat. “Alex found a pregnancy test once and thought I’m the one who’s pregnant, for…”

“For two freaking months!” Alex exclaims.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Mark raises his finger, eyes squinting in focus as he is plotting out the timeline. “You told Big Grey before me?” There is a faux offence in his tone as he places his hand on his chest.

Addison smiles at his silliness, “Why do you think I stole Meredith away to LA in September?”

But Lexie wins everything when she cracks this sweet innocent smile of hers and opens her pink lips, nothing indicating there is a little demon inside of her.

“Last time I checked two women can’t make a baby.”

Just a simple sentence sends Cristina to a different state of mind, choking on the rest of the wine she’s been sipping on and coughing. She has been underestimating intern number Three, as it turns out - Meredith’s little sister has uncanny abilities to make people turn into red tomatoes and tease the hell out of someone.

Meredith, however, ceases to care about the dark crimson blush on her cheeks when Amelia looks at Lexie across the table, smirking as she speaks, “We can check that out later, Little Grey.”

Within one moment, the older of the sisters looks like she might as well jump across the table to smack that flirtatious expression off Amelia Shepherd’s face. Addison notices it right away and hopes no more dramatic fights will unroll during tonight’s meeting. Knowing Amelia for so long, she knows that girl is unable to have a filter of what she’s saying out loud, but even this explanation probably wouldn’t work on Meredith.

But when Amelia notices the glare from Addison, clearly screaming out to stop her shenanigans, that makes her halt and instead of another comment to make Lexie look even more like she wants the ground to swallow her up, she shoots for a polite question, “When are you due?”

“End of June,” Addison says.

“25th,” Meredith can’t help herself but add.

“Dude, congratulations, but I’m pretty sure your baby is starving as well.”

Addison laughs at Alex but he is obviously right, “Yes, definitely. Let’s eat!”

There is not a person in this room that doesn’t marvel over Izzie’s impossibly amazing cooking skills; the food disappears at a terrifying pace and the conversations stay away from Seattle Grace Hospital for a maximum of twenty minutes. But what else can you expect from ten surgeons stuck together at one table? Of course, one of them finally opens Pandora's box of hospital drama and away from these hallways, they begin to share their stories and gossip.

Away from the everyday stress and tight schedule, it’s quite of a surprise for all of them to collect in one house, not rushed. Of course with pagers left on top of one of the cupboards, just in case, they are aware they might get called in, but Chief has sent them off home, given last year most of them had to work through during holidays. So, even without the threat of their meal being interrupted, there is no way to stop talking about work - patients, tough cases and drama between other workers, mainly Mark and his nurse problem.

Eventually, the topic heads towards Hahn’s patient she is clearly worried for.

“We desperately need to buy him some time until next heart is available,” She explains the situation as the rest listens. “We did alcohol ablation, but the first attempt didn’t work.”

Something is ringing in Meredith’s head, like she shouldn’t ask, shouldn’t focus on that patient.

“When exactly… his transplant was supposed to happen?” But she is Meredith Grey and she wouldn’t be herself if she didn’t ask.

Before there is any answer, she notices Izzie, Cristina and Alex freezing in place at the same moment, understanding what is happening. They don’t need a response, because all four of them, the core four of events that went down months ago realise it’s the same man who was supposed to get Denny’s heart.

“Over a year ago, I think,” Erica says. “That time your previous cardio attending came to Mercy
West.”

Ah.

There it is.

Izzie stands up abruptly and marches out of the dining room with no emotion on her face, simply… fixed on a moment. It doesn’t take Karev ten seconds to instantly push his chair away from the table to follow her out, calling out her name in that soft voice he only has reserved for Stevens.

The confusion is painted all over Hahn’s face, “What’s happening?”

No one, however, answers and they are saved by the ringing bell in front of the house, but Meredith is still caught off guard.

“Should I bring the camera out now?” Cristina whispers to her, leaning towards her and being the one to wake Mer from her thoughts.

Before she heads to the front door, she leans down to Yang, “Shut up.” And then, without waiting for an answer, she thanks the heavens she can escape the awkward conversation that will probably unfold while she was gone answering the door, full of lies and faked confusion by everyone who was a witness of Izzie’s fall and the terrible night of hospital prom.

---

“Izzie!”

The footsteps above her head emanate through the floor as Meredith waits in the hallway, holding a baby in her hands, watching Miranda Bailey take off her coat with such heavy moves that it makes the scene twice as disturbing. The tears dancing in her mentor’s eyes make her uneasy and she can tell it’s a matter of moments before she breaks, so she really hopes for Izzie to move her ass quicker and take little Tucker before he has to watch his mother fall apart.

Finally, Izzie shows up at the top of the stairs and doesn’t look her best, probably still moved by the news of Hahn’s patient. But when she notices the boy in Mer’s arms, she runs down the stairs.

“What?” Her voice is hoarse and her eyes are red, but her face is dry.

“Take care of Tucker, can you?” Meredith hands her the boy.

“Sure, of course,” Stevens smiles at him and her voice grows gentler once he begins to speak his own language in her arms. “Do you want to see our Christmas tree? C’mon, I’ll show you.” He mumbles something back at her, and just like that, they are gone into the living room.

Meredith leads Bailey into the kitchen, in a way where no one from the dining table can pay their mind as they step into the big space. It is unsettling to watch Miranda lean against the kitchen island, hiding her face in her hands, breathing out deeply and shakily. She decides to pour a glass of water and Mer quietly sets it in front of her.

“I am sorry for storming in,” Bailey finally speaks up, clearing her throat. “I wasn’t coming but… everything fell apart and I needed to leave.”

“It’s okay, Doctor Bailey,” Meredith leans with her side against the counter. “Everything is okay. My door is always open for you.”

Her words soothe the pain a little bit; she doesn’t push, doesn’t ask what went wrong, where did it go wrong. Instead, she pushes the glass with her finger and Bailey takes a big sip.

“We are in the middle of the dinner, do you want to join us?” She proposes with a kind smile.

Miranda nods and exhales heavily before looking up at the blonde, “I would love that.”

---

To keep the conversation from stirring again and leading to another enormous catastrophe, the topic of the hospital is silently banned from the table. Instead, after a long round of memories from school and Amelia explaining how the hell did she end up here, they come back to the pregnancy, swooning and joking around.

“Okay but… baby names,” Lexie speaks up. “Do you have any yet?”

Mark doesn’t even give Addison a second to answer the question, “Mark Junior, obviously.”

“I swear to God, Mark, you’re going to get kicked out,” Addison turns her head to the man on her right, trying to keep the amused smile from her lips and act all cold and angry, but… they’re talking about her baby. Her baby. Even if Sloan is making fun of her, she is still too stunned that everyone knows, that she can go back to her favourite clothes if they even still fit her and she doesn’t have to worry every second of every day if her stomach is visible through the loose blouses and scrubs.

“Or Markinia,” Mark grins. “Little Markinia.”

“You are as dumb as you were at seventeen,” Amelia shakes her head.

“Little Markinia, dude,” Alex leans back in his seat, chuckling. “The way she would get bullied at school.”

“Let the woman answer the question!” Bailey says loudly and silences the foolish jokes with one move of her hand.

“Thank you,” Addison nods at her with a smile. “To be honest, I haven’t even gone that far into the future.”

“I’ve always liked Sarah,” Izzie says, pensively. “Or Melanie is beautiful.”

“No, absolutely not,” Alex says, having Callie to seconding it.

“I really think Markinia is winning here,” Cristina taps her thigh as she laughs at the annoyed look she got from Montgomery.

Callie has little lichts of chaos shining in her eyes, perhaps the wine hitting her head or Mark’s haphazard presence that pushes her into creating more havoc, “And what does baby mama number two think about it?”

A choir of voices asks the same thing: “Who?”

“Meredith!”

“Oh, are you serious?” Meredith rolls her eyes, because one thing is everyone in Los Angeles taking them as a couple, and another is that agenda arriving in Seattle. Don’t get her wrong - Addison Montgomery is the epitome of perfection and whoever ends up with her is the luckiest person under the sun; all this kindness and wisdom and cheekiness and beauty, sometimes Meredith’s head spins when she thinks about how incredibly rare it is that someone like that woman exists - she makes Meredith want to sing in the shower and dance in front of the mirror. But she doesn’t want that mess to come across the coast into her city, her home, and make her uncomfortable because even if she is not disgusted with her orientation anymore, still she is broken. In the end, deeply in her heart, she is damaged, shattered into pieces and doesn’t know how to fix almost thirty years of hating herself within a couple of months.

Would Addison ever want someone like her? And why is she even asking that question to herself? Why does her mind wander towards that direction?

Just like a miracle sent from heaven, the doorbell rings again and then loud knocking resounds through the residence.

“Unfortunately, I have a door to open,” She shows her tongue when Callie winks at her and takes it as her cue to leave.

Before she even steps out of the dining room, noise bursts out behind her and everyone begins to talk through each other and it’s such a beautiful sound to have in her house - all people she cares for in one place, laughing and speaking. That is such an unfamiliar feeling in comparison to what happened exactly a month ago, when she came home alone and shaken to the core, the only sound in the house was pouring the cold water into the bathtub.

She is coming to herself the more she spends time with people and opens herself up. Each time she takes a leap of faith, she ends up on the other side with more strength and belief in a better tomorrow.

With a smile, she heads to the door and pulls them open without thinking to check who is on the other side.

So, there is no surprise a gasp is pulled out of Meredith’s mouth when she swings them open just to see Derek standing on the other side.

Their eyes meet and she feels all air leaving her lungs. Derek is here. He is here. And she has no idea why.

Notes:

let me know what you think about addie's realisation! the slow burn is finally BURNING and after 41 chapters one of our leading ladies finally is aware she is hella gay and in love with merbear. who knows maybe it's not the last love realisation that evening...
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=82016169908e4547

Chapter 42: we found out that anything could happen

Notes:

hii guys!!
i just realised we hit 50k hits and... ARE YOU INSANE???? i was literally acting like an insane golden retriever when i logged into AO3 and saw that. thank you so much to all of my readers for the constant support<3 i don't know if i would have ever gotten so good at feeling confident about my writing without words of encouragment and kind comments & messages. i don't think i would even believe in myself to start writing my own original novel without this fic. so thank you from the bottom of my heart:)

about the chapter... it's much shorter than the first part of friendsmas BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE THANKING ME FOR WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS ONE. i've been waiting so long to finally do what i did in there *evil laughter*

hope you enjoy reading this one:)

ps sorry for one-day delay but to be quite frank i got sucked into reading a fanfic lol. i barely read anything these days so it must be special for me to give up everything and read for 10 hours straight… but i’m guessing all of you know the feeling

Meredith blinks but the man doesn’t disappear from her eyesight.

His rough curls fall onto his forehead with the cold wind brushing against him from behind and his eyes squinted for his long eyelashes to protect him from the snowflakes, he looks utterly lost. Not like the man who left and shut the door behind him, after Meredith told him who she is, not like the asshole who sent her off to the edge, showing her reasons to give up, exactly pinpointing no one would ever really love her.

No, not at all. He has dark purple circles under his eyes and his cheeks are hollow; he is the exemplar of exhaustion and regret. She wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to be drunk as well, but his car is parked on the street and he has never been one to make such reckless decisions, at least not for his own health.

“Derek?” His name rolls off Meredith’s tongue with heaviness, it hurts inside of her chest to look at him, to speak to him. “What are you doing here?”

He exhales, for a moment turning into a mess and losing the sense of words that have been prepared on his tongue the moment he parked outside the house fifteen minutes prior. He had the whole speech prepared but seeing Meredith in her small pretty dress, her blonde hair a halo around her face and her cheeks pink with natural blush caught him off guard. The last time he’s seen her, she was a broken mess and now… she looks healthy. Happy. Glowing, even.

“I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now-” He thinks that’s a good place to start as any other.

“Or ever,” She cuts him off immediately.

“Or ever,” Derek repeats, nodding. “But I need to make this right. I have to. I want to apologise, for everything. For leaving you when you needed a shoulder to lean onto, for hurting you time after time, for… for outing you and causing so much unnecessary pain,” He feels his face burning with shame. “I never deserved you.”

The admission hurts, but only because it’s the truth. Truth hurts, but secrets and lies kill and he had to go through the whole circle of believing into his action into realising he was the wrong one all this time to find himself on Meredith’s doorstep. Straight from work, he couldn’t go home to his trailer on Christmas Day without telling the woman she deserved better. Because she did, even if she lied to him and faked their relationship. Honestly, she had every right to hurt him like this five more times after what he did to her.

“I…” Meredith opens her lips but no more words form on her tongue.

Giving her time, he realises she won’t speak, at least not now. So he decides to continue.

“There is something I want to tell you and you have every right for it to not matter to you, it might not change a thing but,” Now, the toughest of parts is coming and suddenly, he wants to turn back and march back into his vehicle instead of confessing his deadliest of sins. It feels like it, despite he knows it’s natural and nothing wrong and… that Meredith would never judge him because of it. “I acted out on you because of my own feelings, because you opened me in a way I’ve kept closed for years. Decades even.”

“What are you saying?” She snaps, clearly misconceiving. “That your behaviour towards me is explained by how I hurt you by the breakup? I don’t care, Derek,” His name is spat out like the worst of curses. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“No, Meredith, no,” Shepherd instantly says before she can shut her door on him. “It was because of my own issues, because I was… I am just like you.”

The anger on her face dissociates into confusion. One of her eyebrows raises in a question and her nose scrunches as she stares at him, perhaps even curious about what he is trying to say.

She is the first person he will ever say that to. And he deserves to be laughed at, kicked in the stomach and have the doors swung at him, everything he did to her, Derek deserves for the same to happen to him, without mercy and without compassion. But the problem is, Meredith Grey is one of the most empathetic and compassionate creatures on this planet, the one who will always give you a helping hand and hold you as you cry. He knows that and he doesn’t want to use that; he just wants her to have this knowledge so she might hold the upper hand on him. Trying to show his weaknesses so she knows where to hit if she has to.

“I am bisexual, Meredith,” This time his voice is lower and quieter, just in case someone is hiding by the wall or in the doorway. “And I might have been in love with a man for a very long time and your coming out opened me in a way that made those feelings burst out free.”

Meredith stares at him like he might start laughing any moment now, as if making a cruel joke to her.

But Derek stays unmoved, his heart on his sleeve, ready to have it torn apart. That’s what he deserves.

“I don’t know what to say,” Eventually, Mer stutters out.

“I understand,” Derek nods, stepping back. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, now or ever. I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry. I’m trying to be a better person and make things right with everyone I hurt. Thank you for listening to me. Merry Christmas.”

He nods, putting on a brave smile and begins to turn back to walk back into his care, ready to get blackout drunk in his freezing lonely trailer.

“I… Derek, wait.”

It doesn’t take a second time for him to listen to her. He stops and turns around, halfway through the way to the street.

“Wait,” Meredith repeats, her heart back on the path where it’s too big and too warm for her own good. “We can try again,” These words should probably burn her, but she doesn’t feel anything bad - Derek doesn’t have that kind of power over her anymore, she doesn’t feel she has to do something for him. She is just listening to her heart. “But I won’t make it easy and this doesn’t mean I forgive you. But we have to start somewhere.”

Shepherd is staring at her like she is a miracle and it takes a while for him to understand what she is saying.

“Thank you,” Nodding, he smiles. “I guess I’ll see you at work, then.”

“Maybe you want to come inside?”

She meant when she said she won’t make it easy. Putting him into this position, to see if he is courageous enough to face a group of people that are willing to put their hands around his neck just for her. There is no need to say her thoughts because one look at her face, that small sneaky smile and challenging glare in her blue eyes and he appears to be borderline planning an escape or storming inside and showing how big his ego still is.

And neither of these words would lead him to Meredith’s forgiveness. He knows it, Mer knows it.

“I wouldn’t want to impose, or make a mess,” Derek settles on the polite option. “I am not very popular among our colleagues right now.”

Coward.

“You’re not but you can begin to change that.”

Her fist tightens on the handle, ready to shut the door if he doesn’t decide quicker. Words are one thing, but acting on them, on all of the promises are entirely different things.

“Okay,” Shepherd begins to slowly walk to the entrance. “You’re right.”

“Come in then,” Meredith steps to the side and it feels all so surreal to watch him walk into the corridor that he used to enter without knocking, as if he lived here.

That is always such a dreamlike feeling, almost like a hallucination, to see a person who used to be half of your world, always in your orbit, enter your home again. Like a movie you’re just watching from the side and cannot say a word - to notice how they’re looking around the place, acting like they’re there for the first time; the way they don’t really understand how should they act, whether recognise all the little details - one of the missing hook on the hanger they accidentally broke with two much layers of the jackets, the single black-and-white photograph on the right wall with a small crack across the glass - or to pretend they’re here for the first time and that looking around, checking, is the curiosity of a new guest.

Derek settles on something in between, because a small, not the nervous previous smile stretches on his lips when he sees a bouquet of wildflowers he brought her just a couple of days before they broke up while she was gone and left them with Izzie so she could pass the over to Meredith, dried and hanging upside down on the wall by the stairs. California poppies, evening primroses, wallflowers, forget-me-nots and lavender tangled together in this beautiful combination, even when withered.

They will never go back to what they used to do - both flowers and Meredith and Derek. But on the other side, there might be waiting for something else; no one knows if it’s going to be good, but it’s always worth a try.

Meredith tells him where to hang his black coat, despite she doesn’t have to. Curiosity and a tiny need for revenge to watch him falter in front of her guests is swapped with nerves, because she can bet her family is about to kill her for letting Derek into the house.

She leads him to the dining room and while she enters the room, all eyes are turned to her until Derek steps into the doorway.

Shock spreads out through everyone but no one speaks up, staring at Shepherd.

“Hey, everyone,” Derek finally speaks out, his voice surprisingly steady. “Merry Christmas.”

That is a perfect catalyst.

Everyone begins to talk at the same time, voices fighting through each other as Addison and Cristina stand up, clearly ready to fight and kick the man out of the house within a matter of seconds. It overwhelms Meredith, the amount of aggressive love towards her, because all the arguments and loud resistance and opposition are meant for her, to protect her.

“Hey!” She raises her voice, cutting the big fight off. “Let’s just enjoy the night, okay?”

“Absolutely not,” Mark stands up, his chair making noise as its legs scratch the wooden floor.

“Mark-”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Derek nods to Meredith who turns her head to glance at him. “I just wanted to say that I’m truly sorry for the way I treated Meredith. I know I’ve hurt her, in an imaginable way and I will try to make it up to her every day. So, if you’ll have me…”

No one looks convinced but at least the loud voices and people talking through each other have ended. They all watch Derek like he is an alien, dozens of pairs of eyes observing his every move - the heavy raise of his chest as his breathing gives out how stressed he is, the hands he crosses on his chest and the blank expression on his face, trying to keep the rest of his ego and dignity intact.

“Guys, please,” Meredith says gently, but inside she enjoys the hell they are dragging Derek through. “It’s Christmas. And I’m okay.”

“Mer, sweetheart,” Addison is looking only at heart, straight out ignoring the older of Shepherds. Her voice is almost begging, but that’s her way of checking if Meredith is truly alright, if it’s not the act of her empathy or even fear of the man. The world might be as well non-existing when Meredith holds up eye contact, so Addie can read everything from her. One stare, lasting barely fifteen seconds or so but Addison knows everything that Meredith is trying to pass through.

“He is on thin ice, nothing has changed,” Meredith pulls her eyes away and her gaze washes over everyone. “But he is trying and… isn’t this all about forgiveness?”

Addison sits down, however, Alex looks like he is about to stand up and leave the table to beat Derek up. She firmly believes Mark, who has just stood up, is approaching them to swing his fist but he passes them by heading to the kitchen and when he is back, he is carrying one of the stools to put it by the table.

Somehow, they are all waiting for Bailey’s approval, whose gaze was just full of warmth a minute ago as she watched Tucker play with bricks on the small carpet in the corner of the room, now cold and critical.

“Where were we?” She finally says, a clear sign to continue on with the dinner.

Meredith heads to her seat while Derek hesitates for a split second before rounding the table to the stool.

“Little Markinia,” Izzie is kind enough to clear her throat and go on with the conversation.

Addison chuckles, trying to get back into the mood of the evening, “I am not naming my daughter- my baby Markinia, or Mark Junior.”

“Baby?” Derek asks, eyes widened.

“Yeah,” Montgomery is trying to hold herself back from laughter. “I’m pregnant.”

The face Derek makes sends everyone into a rowdy laughter and suddenly making fun of him is a great way to accept him in the group, for tonight only. There is no way for him to dig his way through them - Meredith might be empathetic and forgiving, but half of the present people here would rather die than let this man go without heavy consequences.

---

When an hour around the table passes and everyone is stuffed with delicious food, people spread around the house. Bailey, Callie and Erica are busy carrying the empty plates to the kitchen to make room on the table for all the sweetness prepared by Izzie: the famous chocolate cake, but also gingerbread cookies Meredith and Alex decorated, spritz cookies and a couple of different flavour of fudge.

Meanwhile, Izzie is curled up on the couch on Alex’s side, her head on his shoulder, feet tapping to the sound of the music still playing from the radio. Cristina gulps down the wine like it’s water, looking like she might fall onto the floor from her seat on the armchair any moment now, face turning green as she watches the couple.

Mark appears to be almost in the same state of mind, eggnog Meredith poured him disappearing from his glass at a disturbing pace.

Amelia and Lexie have disappeared without an explanation, but everyone is busy with themselves to even notice, believing they’re helping out in the kitchen or cleaning the dining room.

Only Addison is clearly joyous because of Christmas, ignoring how much drama has already happened. Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is You pushes her to dance in the middle of the room, holding Tucker in her arms as he attempts to sing along with her, which makes Addison’s smile as bright as the sun. She imagines holding her own baby in her arms and she feels shivers run down her arms, making her heart grow big and warm.

“I came to get Tucker,” Meredith walks into the living room, lips instantly curling into a smile as she watches Addison swirl around and sing along. “Your dinner is ready, little man.” She says approaching Addison and raising her finger to brush the full cute cheek of Bailey’s son.

Addison hands the baby to Meredith, already missing him, but…

“No! Stop!”

Izzie springs out off the couch, kicking Alex accidentally, with a crazy expression looking like she might as well lose it. It makes even Derek, who is standing by the windowsill, pretending to watch snowflakes outside the window while in reality observing Mark across the room, jump up from the abruptness of Stevens.

“What’s happening?” Meredith freezes in place, holding Tucker.

“You’re under the mistletoe!” Izzie exclaims. “Nobody moves. Give me Tucker.”

Caught off guard, Meredith is too astonished to fight. Instead, she hands the boy to Izzie, “Okay… mistletoe police…”

“Are you going to bully me into kissing everyone?” Addison puts her hands on her hips with a teasing glimmer in her eyes as she watches Izzie plot out the whole scene.

Alex points at Addie, remembering how she made him kiss Sloan on the cheek, “I’m doubling this question. You’re traumatising people, Iz.”

“Excuse me, but you think kissing me is traumatising?” Addison parts her lips in outrage, wrongly interpreting Karev’s words.

“Hey!” Meredith decides to speak up before the whole thing turns into a big fight and not only Derek will get beat up. “Let’s just get it over with-” She turns to Addison, only her when she says the next question, “Are you okay with this, Addie?”

One word and Meredith can step back and forget mistletoe ever existed. She could do it, she… There is no need, even with Izzie being mistletoe police, however, she just feels like this is a breaking point. For a long time she’s been doubting herself and the dreams she’s had, which she called nightmares and something inside of her, deeply rooted, is telling her this situation might make her world light up on fire, but also help her understand. What exactly? Grey has no idea.

Looking up at Addison, Mer with ease reads on her face… relief? The emerald green eyes shine up, but no smile appears on her lips; they are parted in awe and it takes a moment for Addison to answer her. Her eyes take a look around the room, standing in a way where she faces all the people, while Meredith is with their back to them. But even if she was in Addison’s position, everyone else would still be gone for her.

“I am,” Addison says softly. “Kiss me, Meredith.”

Meredith’s heart skips a beat when she hears those words; inexisting memories suddenly flash through her mind - kisses that never happened, naked bodies that never intertwined, stars that never aligned and her brain circulates in a broken manner.

She puts her hands, as tenderly as it’s humanly possible, on Addison’s cheeks, cradling her face because it hits her that she is holding her whole world in her hands. Simple as that - complex as that.

Her eyes are already shut when she feels one of Addison’s hands on her shoulder, sliding upwards until it settles on her neck, while the other cups her face, leaning down. Meredith stands on her toes, wanting to feel already the crimson lips on her mouth and when she does, the whole universe explodes. Worlds collide and she sees shooting stars in the darkness of her closed eyelids.

It’s like fireworks are set into motion inside her ribcage and she leans in closer as their mouths press together, her chest brushing against Addison’s. What’s supposed to be a quick peck on the lips, turns longer because neither of them wants to stop. There won’t be an occasion ever again for this to happen again, right? Meredith is willing to take as much as she can because when today ends, the mistletoe disappears for the next 365 days and suddenly, she understands she cannot live without this. Without holding Addison like a lover, not a friend.

Parting her lips to deepen the kiss, Meredith comes back to her sense when she hears clapping and cheering and whistling.

The noise makes her want to step away, but then Addison’s lips curl into a smile as they kiss and she tightens her hold on her neck, just for a second. After that, she lets go and their faces are still inches apart when Meredith lets out a chuckle, her cheeks burning.

“You go, Red!” Mark calls out and whistles.

Meredith’s eyes flutter open to having the green gaze already set on her. Addison’s eyes soften and all Grey can think about is melting into a puddle at her feet and staying there forever. She wants to curl up in Addie’s orbit and float around her, soaked in her perfume and earthly scent, curl the brown hair around her fingers and hide her nose in the tender skin of her nape.

If someone put on Meredith’s bingo for this year is that she would fall in love with her best friend, that could perhaps believable. But if it had added that it would be Derek Shepherd’s ex-wife, she would either lose her mind or laugh so hard she would choke.

But here she is, surrounded by her family and friends, just inches apart from Addison.

Someone she can never have. Someone she will spend forever pining after and for fuck’s sake, that’s her life apparently now. But when she thinks about it, really intensively think about it, she’s been in this position since September when Addison held her in the hospital bed because Derek wasn’t there. She’s been falling for her for months in the making and was stupid enough to not realise it in the beginning.

But all the sleeping together, embraced like spoons, holding hands, kissing cheeks and following the other till the end of the world. All the comments from the Malibu gang about them being a couple, all the stares they got while going out together, how embarrassingly jealous she was about Pete. All these months, learning each other and being always there for each other. This love crept up on Meredith and jumped her with this hit straight into her stomach, almost making her keel over in the middle of her living room.

Callie is clapping and it makes Addison duck her face, but then she bursts out laughing, stepping back from Meredith.

It would hurt her, if her knees didn’t feel like her legs are about to give out beneath her. She opens her arms, trying to look casual and as amused as all people watching her, “Izzie, are you satisfied?”

“Very much so,” Stevens nods, her fingers intertwined, hands resting against her chest. “That was an excellent kiss. Mistletoe police are not arresting you.”

“I have to agree, you’re a very good kisser,” Addison says behind her and Mer immediately turns her head back.

“Well, thank you,” Her voice is strained and she feels like losing her mind when in her hand the moment of their lips touching is still replayed over and over again. “I can recommend myself for the future.” She laughs because what else is there left to do?

Leaving Addison and not noticing how her cheeks turn bright pink and the way her chest is heaving, Meredith falls onto the couch, next to Cristina.

And there is something startling and unanticipated in her person’s eyes - pride. Cristina is clearly proud of her and it makes Mer wonder, if she knew about her feelings for Addison earlier? No. If she did, she would confront her instantly. But when Cristina’s hand falls into Meredith’s lap, she understands that she is proud because she kissed a woman in front of eight people and she didn’t burst out into sobs or she didn’t run away from the scene. She stood there and faced everyone without shame on her face.

To be honest, Meredith realises she truly forgot about being ashamed of loving women.

Something tells her, if she kissed anyone else, she would feel terrible and sick to her guts about being a lesbian and acting out on her feelings openly. But Addison makes her brave. Addison makes her bold. Addison brings all the best things out of her.

That’s what love is supposed to be about.

Even if it’s one-sided and will probably crush her one day.

Too caught up in her newly found feelings and Cristina holding her hand in her lap, taking a deep insight inside her soul, she misses Addison’s begging stare.

Because Addison’s eyes are caught by Mark and they are screaming out that she is irreversibly, utterly and throughout fucked.

Notes:

i'll see you in the last part of friendsmas next week;)
every feedback is highly appreciated<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my christmas meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5JoNBP2e94EBtFBipAk7c1?si=816999fc799f47a3

Chapter 43: you're my only compass

Notes:

hiiii guys!! thank you so much for the support under the last chapter🤍 it was quite groundbreaking for our ladies and im glad you enjoyed it☺️

the last part of friendsmas including more drama, gays gaying, derek fixing his mistakes, leximelia content, even MORE DRAMA, cute father-daughter moment and of course a sprinkle of meddison

hope you have fun reading this pure chaos!!

Watching Addison and Meredith kissing brings some comfort to Mark Sloan. He has been rooting for them ever since he watched Addison care for Meredith post-drowning; one of the darkest moments in the Seattle Grace Hospital. But it became clear to him when he was standing with Callie outside the church before everything fell apart between Yang and Burke, as the two of them watched the intimate scene of the two women comforting each other.

But it’s only some comfort. Because he wants to go to his best friend, Torres, and gossip behind everyone’s backs about the scene that has just unfolded. However, Callie is busy with her own girlfriend and he is left alone, sipping on the eggnog until he empties the glass. He leaves for the kitchen to pour some more of the sweet drink, bumping into Bailey and being unable to make her laugh as she feeds her son with a bitter expression.

Deciding to leave her alone, he heads back to his spot by the fireplace but when he enters the living room, Derek is waiting for him, leaning against the wall.

Instead of crossing the room in the opposite direction, Mark guesses that Derek might be late with confrontation, but at least he is trying. There is always that pull towards Shepherd, ever since they were little shits, kids that couldn’t be parted throughout adolescence - especially when they were sixteen and didn’t know anything, only the feeling between them that neither of them spoke up about. And years later, it was too late - Derek met Addison and the two of them had a movie-like romance, love at first sight.

So, Mark was just a watcher, wondering who does he want more: Derek or Addison? And despite the clear answer in his heart, he talked himself into wanting Addison. Either way, he never dared to do anything until that unfateful night when she was so lonely and broken, in need of a warm body next to her as the feeling of being unloved haunted her and he was so done of pining after a man who would never fall into him.

And the two of them, Addison and Mark, both in love with the same person and that person didn’t love either of them, set their world on fire and watched Derek leave.

Here he is, almost forty and it feels surreal. That this time, it’s Derek that’s waiting for him.

If it means healing all the past and going forward, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, then Mark can risk it. He approaches Shepherd and rests his elbow on the mantelpiece, keeping a safe distance between them but not escaping eye contact.

“Are they together now?” Derek asks quietly, tilting his head at Addison and Meredith talking.

He missed a lot of what happened in this crooked crazy family of theirs, Mark realises. It’s understandable he doesn’t know anything.

“No, I don’t think so,” Mark shakes his head, as his heart hopes that these two will soon make it official and stop fooling around as ‘best friends’.

“They look happy.”

He would agree instantly if it wasn’t the panicked look Addison silently sent him before sitting down and acting like she didn’t look as if her world was set on fire.

“Maybe because neither of them ran away after the kiss,” Mark brings his eyes back to Derek, challenging him with a rough edge in his tone.

That puts Derek to silence, eyes pointed at the floor.

How a thing that made Mark feel so alive is able to shame Derek so cruelly?

“Why did you do that?” He finally says, asking the question that’s been putting weight on his heart and lungs, making it hard to breathe. “What did you mean by that? Did you mean that?”

Derek looks at him, eyes screaming out all his feelings he is still too frozen by fear to say, “Would you care if that meant something?”

“Of course, I would!”

He’s loved this man for as long as he can remember and while sleeping with women from the hospital and occasional men from the bars, sometimes meeting Meredith there while she was trying to forget about herself and her trauma, he never stopped. That kiss, it has changed everything and despite Derek trying to run from it, in the end, all the mistakes both of them made, they managed to get back to each other in time.

They’re here now, next to each other. And that means everything.

“I’m sorry,” Derek’s voice is tight and choked.

“For kissing me or for escaping and avoiding me?” Sloan has to know whereupon he is standing.

It triggers all doubts and jitters inside of Derek and he pushes himself off the wall; his eyes get that crazy look like he is a captive, prisoner of his own mind. If he only dares to walk away…

“I should just go…” He tells him.

But Mark is done with that game, cat and mouse for weeks. He can’t take more of it, not after all these years of loving, so he grabs Derek’s hand and when their fingers brush against each other, he feels a thunderbolt hitting him. They used to be close physically as teenagers, hiding it from Derek’s mother and all his sisters, except for Amelia who never seemed to mind. Sneaking out from the guest room into Derek’s bedroom so they could lie on the bed and talk about dreams and medicine and the dumbest of topics teenage boys can get into their minds. But never girls. It was always two of them and Mark sneaking back into his own room before the whole Shepherd family woke up.

But they haven’t touched each other in years, except for the times they fought in the hospital and threw hands at each other. So much violence, the very contrary to how gentle their hands now feel against each other. Thank God no one pays them attention in the room.

“Take a man out for dinner first, not jump them out of sudden,” Mark says, the expression that’s painted on Derek’s face making his tone go softer and teasing. “You got really bad at your game. I’m not a lady, but even a lady wouldn’t get excited because some asshole decided to kiss her.”

“You want to have dinner with me?” There is crystal clear disbelief in Derek’s voice, as if he cannot believe it’s happening. The kind of disbelief that later leaves you giddy on the feelings blooming in your chest.

“You’re really focusing on the wrong part of my statement, Derek.”

For the first time in their conversation, Shepherd smiles when his name is said out loud.

“I know you’re not a lady,” Sudden wave of boldness makes him push his chest out and straighten his back. “Go out with me. Let me make it up to you. A dinner. The best restaurant in Seattle.”

There he is, Mark thinks. There is his Derek, from all these years ago before life broke all their crew from New York. The one that thought all the girls would agree on a date with him, the one who was able to study within two hours all the material for an exam, the one who always let him into the apartment he was renting and let him crash on the couch, or in the bed if Addie was gone. There was his other half, back to life for this one second.

But Mark can’t forget what he did, how much damage he caused. He is not a foolish boy that will jump on every occasion just for Derek to be with him.

“Make it up to Big Grey first, then… I will consider it,” Mark says and takes a sip of eggnog.

“You really care for her.”

“I do. And you used to do as well.”

Derek nods, then shakes his head, as if remembering what he has done and feeling the regret of all of it, “I’m changing.”

“Prove it to me,” Mark says, raising his chin to show he knows his own worth, no matter how fucked up he sometimes feels.

“I will,” Derek looks like he is a second from crossing the distance between them and kissing the hell out of Mark, instead he decides to take a deep inhale and repeat. “I will.”

It won’t be a quick fix, it won’t be easy, but if Derek means everything - the kiss, the promises, the dinner and healing everything he broke in other people, Mark might start believing him. But tonight, he won’t make any move towards Shepherd, at least the older of the siblings. He will enjoy his time with the family and perhaps get wildly drunk. Time will show.

---

Instead of the evening continuing to be calm and peaceful, another knocking resounds in the household. And when Bailey’s husband’s loud angry voice echoes through the walls, the music is suddenly gone and the dancing and laughing finishes with Bailey’s quiet sobs as she and Tucker lock themselves in the bathroom to keep their argument away from the guests. After five minutes of their strained voices going past the walls, her husband emerges into the living room and takes their son to dress him into his winter clothes and leave. Bailey breaks down in the kitchen and Addison sits with her throughout all of it, kicking out everyone trying to help out, knowing that Miranda doesn’t like to make a show out of her personal life.

This way, the dinner turned into a party gets dark and no one goes back to dancing. Instead, lots of wine, apple cider and eggnog are spread around with everyone deciding to get wasted, except for Meredith who sneaks into the kitchen only for her medication and leaves only when she covers Bailey’s hand with her and squeezes tightly. Then, she curls up on the couch, watching with longing the bottles of alcohol, wishing to go back in time and not feel everything she feels sober.

However, Amelia and Lexie are still gone and no one has the energy or willingness to go upstairs to look for them.

But they are not together, as everyone thinks, not all of the time, though.

Lexie escaped upstairs first when the alcohol started to spill around people, even if it wasn’t in big amounts. She peeked into every room until she found Meredith’s - something just told her it was her sister’s room and somehow, she found comfort in that. She sat at the edge of the messy bed, the sheets kicked to the feet and she straightened it and fixed the pillows.

That’s how Amelia located her, on the mattress, listening to the noises from downstairs as the door was left ajar.

And now, hearing the sounds of Bailey and Tucker’s fight, Amelia closes the door behind her, cutting the bad energy emanating off.

“Little Grey,” She says, tilting her head with a smile.

“Oh,” Lexie looks up from her lap where she is nervously playing with her hands, sudden exhaustion washing over her. “Amelia.”

Only says her name, but she notices how it affects the girl. Amelia inhales sharply and looks at Lexie with such a feeling. They’re meeting for the second time in her life and Lexie has never understood catching feelings like that, so easily. But they are here, away from the alcohol and drunk people and she is half a city away from her father and no one here, sober or drunk, would ever hurt her. But she feels so goddamn low.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Lexie says, keeping the tears at bay, praying for them not to run down her cheeks. “Just tired. Thinking about my family.”

The family that died and disintegrated, her soft mom dead, her father showing love through giving her bruises all over her body and Molly abandoning her. First Christmas without all three of them and no matter how loud and how warm people downstairs are, it will never be the same. Lexie lost the only thing that helped her through the darkness in her life, the safety of her family house, and instead, it turned into a dark dirty nightmare for months. She was feeling better yesterday, sharing the bed with Addison and hiding away from the trauma in the apartment, but today it hits her, all of it, every heaviness, every hit, every slap, every choking hand around her throat.

It’s hard to tell how, but Amelia manages to cut through the darkness; almost like a compass, helping her to find a way out of the prison of her mind and memory.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Amelia takes a couple of steps closer and crouches in front of her, hands on Lexie’s knees to keep her balance. “Make it better?”

“Kiss it better,” Lexie says, trying to be bold and kill the pain inside of her, but her cheeks grow hot and pink and she flutters her eyelashes when she realises what she has just said.

“Kiss it better, hmm…” Amelia smiles, in a taunting but adorable way.

“Look: I am depressed and there is mistletoe hanging right next to us and I really want to be kissed,” She says with one breath, but none of these words is a lie. Not as a way to forget, she would never use someone like that, but her feeling down is a perfect excuse for Amelia to finally kiss her. She keeps thinking about that, one look at Amelia’s face, even when they were downstairs with everyone, even at the damn Christmas table, she imagined their lips locked together and her hands on Amelia, Amelia’s hands on her and everything could be falling apart between in an apocalypse, but it wouldn’t matter because they would be together.

“By anyone?” Amelia raises one eyebrow cockily.

But beneath this question is pure insecurity, that she’s opening her heart for someone that just needs some affection, to forget her later when she helped them out.

“No,” Lexie shakes her head, eyes gleaming with fascination. “Not by anyone.”

Ignoring that mistletoe is a couple of meters away, Lexie leans down and entangles her hands around Amelia’s neck, who pushes herself a bit off her crouching position to meet Little Grey halfway. Her hands reach out higher and brush through the dark strands of hair and then, their lips meet.

Lexie doesn’t feel a sudden shot of endorphins, doesn’t feel abrupt fireworks or the feeling of being high. No, instead she feels her heart being whole again, all the broken pieces slowly moving like puzzles, searching for their spots.

As Amelia leads the kiss, the soft kiss turns deeper when she moves her lips against Lexie’s bottom lip, their lips learning to move together. Even when their lungs feel heavy, barely catching the air, none of them decides to stop it. Lexie sighs into the kiss when Amelia’s fingertips scratch her scalp as they brush through her hair, and when her lips part, Amelia takes it as her cue for her tongue to touch the soft lips and sneak further. When that happens, Lexie opens her lips completely and lets their tongues meet and it’s hard to tell when and how it happens, but they end up on the floor, Lexie in Amelia’s lap as she presses her whole body into the familiar by now, Shepherd’s curves.

She is all over her, and the loneliness and the longing are gone because Amelia is holding her. If it was anyone else, Lexie swears she would only feel worse. But Amelia Shepherd fits against her perfectly and call her crazy, but she begins to get dizzy while they continue to kiss.

Amelia’s legs give out eventually, crooked and folded uncomfortably and she loses the rest of the balance and collapses on the floor, putting their kiss to a halt.

The way she falls makes Lexie bursts out into laughter, ignoring she is straddling the brunette now, her dark blue dress covering Amelia’s abdomen that’s uncovered as her black blouse rode up under her chest.

“Feeling better?” Amelia asks her, breathing heavily on the floor, deciding to just lay there and catch her breath.

“Definitely,” Lexie smiles sweetly and doesn’t notice what effect it has on the woman beneath her, who might be as well melting from how sunny the smile works on her. “Thank you.” Lexie leans down to press a quick peck on her lips before sitting up to her previous position.

“You’re very welcome.”

Call her crazy, but Amelia is already falling. All she can hope for is that Lexie Grey feels the same and that kiss meant something more than two broken people making mistakes. She hopes that it is two broken people that want to make each other whole again.

---

After sorting out their clothes, trying to hide the creases and fixing the fuzzy hair, tangly from all the grabbing and brushing and clinging onto each other, Lexie and Amelia head downstairs. One look at each other’s faces and they’re sent into giggles, acting like a couple of kids who just broke all the rules there possibly are.

As they finally arrive at the down of the stairs, unsurprisingly a newcomer rings to the front door and Lexie decides to quickly open them before any of her friends have to interrupt their fun in the living and dining rooms.

“Merry Christmas, everyone!” Richard Webber greets them warmly, the sky behind him already turned black with stars painted all over it.

Lexie lets him in immediately and when the man crosses further into the house, he is welcomed by warm “You made it, sir!” and waves of laughter.

It doesn’t last too long, though.

Erica Hahn comes out storming from the kitchen, followed by Callie who is calling out after her and tries to grab her arm gently, to stop her from setting the whole party on fire. Not the first drama tonight, but hopefully the last, half of the guests think watching the woman head straight into Webber.

“How the hell didn’t you fire her?” Stopping just a couple of steps in front of Richard, Hahn points to her side where Izzie is standing. “She murdered a patient! She cut his LVAD wires!”

“Erica, stop,” Callie approaches both of them, but her voice doesn’t seem to even come through.

The anger is too heavy, it weighs too much for Hahn to ever focus on someone else’s voice than her own. Dripping with venom, she sounds as if something coloured her with all the fury in the world; this could be understandable if she wasn’t one against the whole group whose ties created a broken but loyal family. Here, there is no one on her side, even if she doesn’t realise at first.

“Not so merry Christmas, I see,” Richard sighs, his shoulders slumping.

Chaos follows his employees, in the end. Should he have expected anything else coming to this household?

“Stevens stole my patient’s heart, my patient who is currently running out of time,” Hahn stares him dead in the eyes, her voice raised. “I’m watching him lose his chances at life just because she decided to play God for her sick boyfriend!”

“Doctor Hahn, you do not know what happened-”

“I actually do, sir, because Torres just told me.”

A choir of voices call out, “Callie!”

Callie turns to her people, raising her hands in a surrendering manner, “I’m sorry- She asked, I couldn’t just lie!”

“That’s between me and my hospital,” Webber underlines the last words, ignoring the stir of voices and emotions behind Erica. He doesn’t blink an eye, even once, simply keeps the eye-contact, showing that this is a battle he is not about to lose.

Something must be telling Erica that as she turns her head away, unable to keep going like that. But once her gaze finds Izzie, she only gets angrier.

“This won’t be left alone, I won’t leave this alone!”

However, that doesn’t make Izzie falter. She stands there, not proud, and still in so much pain at the mention of Denny in such cruel words, but she doesn’t back down. If the rest won’t support her, that’s tough but she won’t ever feel the shame and the hell she went through after he died again. She is continuing her life, daring to love and let go of the best for him; because he would want that and even if… even if she sees him sometimes around the corner, or hears his voice at night speaking to her, all she knows is that she won’t give into Hahn’s offending stare.

The beauty of loyalty is that you can be loyal to people you would never get on with. Some bonds in life are made by accident, by things that connect two souls even if they are two entirely different worlds. And, it is even more wonderful when it’s two women who hurt each other, yet feel the responsibility of sisterhood.

Exactly that is what pushes Callie to stop forward, between Erica and Izzie, “Leave her alone.”

“You’re on her side?” Hahn laughs bitterly. “You think this is right?”

“I think my team is right. I think she paid for her sins and all of it is in the past,” Callie speaks calmly, not trying to set new fires, only water down the ones which are becoming too big for this room.

Hahn tilts her head at Izzie and then back to Callie, “You’re taking Steven’s side?”

There is a lot unsaid under Izzie’s last name, all the pain she brought on Callie, how she caused the destruction of her marriage. But George is gone tonight and he won’t be here ever again, if all of them don’t know it. But he won’t ever cross this doorstep again and soon, he will leave everything behind by himself. So, some things are better left unsaid in the end. Because Callie knows what her girlfriend, soon an ex-one, is meaning to say and she has let go of it.

“I guess I am.”

“I am so out of here,” Erica pushes past the Chief and collects her coat.

The sound of doors falling shut rings in the house just when the song ends on the radio, so no sounds can stop the feeling of doom.

Eventually, Richard clasps his hands together, smiling awkwardly at everyone, “What a nice party.”

Perhaps it’s the alcohol or the complete exhaustion or the amount of drama for one day, but one by one, all the guests begin to laugh. Even sober Meredith, Addison and Lexie - all three of them just smile, keeping the chuckling down, what’s plainly impossible.

It might be a party that’s going to go down in the history of parties that happened for colleagues from Seattle Grace Hospital.

---

The best way to carry on with drinking and eating and gossiping is to ignore anything that has even happened. Izzie becomes a bit quieter and Alex sits on the armrest of the couch next to her, one hand around her shoulders but she doesn’t look far more disturbed than anyone else would do in her place. But the radio gets replaced by one of Meredith’s many vinyl records and when the eggnog is finished, they bring out heavier flasks of vodka and rests of wine.

Amelia finally catches up with Derek, while Mark watches the siblings across the room and everyone gets so busy, telling the Chief of what he has missed before coming - all the good things, of course, but even without speaking Webber takes one look at Bailey standing by the Christmas tree and he knows at once things must have fallen apart.

Quietly, smiling at the people she is passing, Lexie makes her way to the empty dining room, where the long table is now overflowing with cakes and all the candy in the world.

So, when she reaches out for the last piece of the chocolate dream, she almost dies from a heart attack as Cristina jumps behind her and catches her wrist.

“Lexipedia, no!” Yang grabs her and steals it while Lexie shrieks out, almost falling to the floor.

“What the-” Lexie hisses from the pain, her bruises still not healed, just where the resident touched her. “Jesus.” She begins to wave her wrist around, forgetting herself. At once she halts her movements before she even began but it doesn’t go unnoticed by Cristina.

“Three, what is it?” Her mouth is already full by the chocolate cake, yet her focus goes all on the five seconds that the yellow bruise was visible to the world.

“Nothing.”

Taking a step behind, Lexie begins to make her escape, but even attempting that is barely achievable. She has learned how Cristina Yang is - when she settles her mind to something, there is no possible way to stop her.

“Three, don’t annoy me when I’m semi-drunk,” She crosses the distance between so abruptly and quickly that it makes Lexie shriek again by the sneaky smooth moves, that ends her up against the wall as Cristina pulls up her sleeve, exposing the imprinted hand. “What… what the hell is that?”

“It’s irrelevant,” Lexie speaks quickly, out of breath. “I am fine now.”

“Lexie,” When Yang pronounces her name slowly, that makes Grey realise in what deep shit she is now, to hear the woman hear her actual name. “Tell me, who did this to you?”

“My dad.”

A dangerous glimmer in brown eyes.

“Thatcher?”

“Yeah.”

Cristina lets go of her, laughing. But it’s cold laughter, that bitter kind of, and despite her being known for sarcasm, this is something much more serious. And she cannot really read through it, but she feels threatened. But to be honest, when does Lexie not feel threatened? Every second of every day she fears someone either is going to find out what her father has been doing to her for the past three months or is going to repeat his actions, his blows.

On the other side, Cristina feels like losing her mind when she has to even pronounce Thatcher’s name. First, he blames her person, her Meredith, for killing his wife and dares to send her off in such a spiral she almost gave up on her career and then on her life. He dares to hurt her so deeply as if abandoning her in childhood wasn’t enough. And now, he dares to raise his hand on his other daughter, one that is so innocent and sensitive that wouldn’t even hurt a fly. He manages to fuck up things with two of his children, and Cristina hasn’t managed to protect either of them in time.

She wants to kill him. Strangle him with her own hands, watch the life drain from his life. Her career might be about saving life, but at this moment, all she wants to do is forget about the main principle.

“I’m going to kill that motherfucker,” Cristina finally spits. With one second she watches the nerves on Lexie’s face dissolve once she understands she is not mad at her.

“Don’t worry about me, really,” Lexie is soft with her voice and the way she moves towards Yang. “Addison already adopted me. I’ve moved in with her and Callie for now. So. He can’t do this anymore.”

“Okay,” Cristina leans against the table, all the booze and different alcohol mix not really working out with how her blood pressure rose. “Okay.”

“So, what’s your deal tonight?”

Yes, Little Grey might be playing with fire tonight because, in the hospital, she would never dare speak to her resident like this. But right now, she is facing wasted Cristina who is more angry at her father than at her interns. And she’s learned some of her behaviour enough to know there is something bothering the woman.

Something else than planning murder on Thatcher Grey for her revenge.

“I don’t have a deal, Three,” Cristina reaches for two cupcakes.

Lexie circles around the table and finds peppermint sticks. As she sits down, making sure this time her sleeves are pulled down and begins to bite onto them. Looking around, making sure no one is walking into the dining room, she decides to play some more with her resident. Anything if it only means no one is bringing up her bruises and cuts and her father.

“Meredith earlier said you’re walking with a stick in your ass, so you must have a deal,” She mumbles out, eating.

“You really want to know what is my deal tonight?” Cristina heavily flops on one of the chairs and leans her chin on the table, that way that Lexie has to move some of the plates and glasses apart to view her face.

That feels like a tricky question.

But let’s be honest, Lexie is never going to say no to such a question. One quick glance behind Cristina’s back to see it’s still clear; everyone is still gathered in the next room.

“Yes, I do.”

“I could be a better boyfriend than him!” Her voice is so suddenly loud that Lexie barely keeps herself from jumping out of her skin again. “I could be twice the man he is! I could be better.”

A lot of confusion floods Lexie’s mind because first, Cristina Yang is sapphic? And secondly, jealous of someone’s girlfriend? But she’s heard that gay people gather themselves in groups, so given that Meredith is a lesbian - not that Lexie would ever admit to overhearing that, more out of respect and not fear - and she herself is pansexual, and Addie is bisexual just like Callie - well, there is more of a guess about Callie - it’s not surprising that Yang would join them in that gang.

The other thing is Mark giving Derek Shepherd puppy eyes for the past weeks in the hospital, but Derek hasn’t been tolerated here for too long to admit him into their small group. Plus, even now, when Meredith let him in, Lexie promises herself to watch over her and be careful about Shepherd’s actions because she cannot afford for her sister to end up in the hospital in such a wrong way.

So, the answer about who is the boyfriend is pretty clear, after the elimination. Still, Lexie is going to ask, to make sure as long as Cristina is too angry about that to care she is talking out her problems to the younger Grey.

“Than who?”

Cristina looks at her like she is stupid, “Than Alex!”

“Oh,” Lexie’s eyebrows raise almost to her hairline. “Wow. That’s… bad.”

“I need tequila.”

And just like that, Cristina is gone, marching out of the dining room in search of the unopened bottles she can bolt down. Lexie watches her walk out and pulls out her legs up on the chair and curls up on it, pulling her knees to her chest and embracing them. The music is quieter here and the conversations are somehow less tiring and she feels safe for a moment.

There are only supercuts of that safety; it never lasts too long. She guesses that’s right because no organism is able to feel secure and guarded after so many weeks of danger following her around, like a faithful companion, disagreeing to leave her to her devices. For now, she will cherish the moments until these moments may become days and days eventually develop into weeks, and perhaps, one day, all of it can be altered into a good sheltered protected life.

Even if she backs out, fears fighting for a better tomorrow, now she has a couple of guardians, willing to accompany her in this fight.

When tears spring down her cheeks, they are not troubled ones that were able to find her every second of every day in what has felt like forever. It’s relief, purifying into small drops that mark her face and she can't care less about how the mascara will probably stain her face. It feels good, to let it out, alone, yet still hearing her friends and coworkers. Even Chief, she thinks rolling her eyes, who is telling a terrible dad joke and earns embarrassed laughter with Mark telling him to never do that again, which consequences in the threat of firing Sloan.

That’s when Lexie laughs with them, through the crying. One more minute here and she can go back.

---

The clock strikes eleven and that’s when Richard gets up after over an hour's worth of warm family time. Meredith asks him for five minutes as she rushes to the kitchen, so throughout that time he says his goodbyes and puts on his coat and scarf, she sets the leftovers in two plastic boxes for him.

“Thank you,” Webber nods as she hands him the food. “That was a lovely party. You’re going to have a lot of dead asleep people by an hour, though.”

“Then I’ll have a big sleepover, apparently,” She laughs, but he must be right - everyone is drinking so much at such a pace that she should start preparing the rooms for sleep. “There is some of the turkey and ham left, and in the second one all samples of Izzie’s baked goods.”

“Thank you, Meredith,” He places his hand on the handle before looking at her one more time.

“Ah, don’t mention it,” Mer shrugs.

But she knows there is a question hanging on the thread between them, so she doesn’t rush him outside and simply waits.

“Are you… doing better?”

For the past two weeks, ever since she was discharged from the psych ward, he kept watching her at work but never approaching and asking. And if he did approach, everything he said out loud was so fake, while in reality, he was anxious and nervous to ask her straight in the face.

Some part of Meredith appreciated it, because the rest of her friends were indefatigable in their questions to make sure she is not planning to jump from the rooftop of the building.

“I think I am,” Her smile isn’t forced. “The drugs are working. Therapy, too. I believe. But…”

“But?”

All the times she did it before, she’s never been so unprepared, spontaneous. Except for Bailey, of course, because at that time, she was caught off guard. But all the other times, she’s repeated the words inside her head thousands of times, alongside the question if she should be just better off dead. Now, however, she doesn’t have the energy to prepare herself. The only things she needs and wants - which is a surprise, because it’s almost never alike you need the same thing you want - for the Chief to know. So she doesn’t walk through his hallways scared he will hear a rumour. Because those are the cruellest when they're real.

“I need to tell you something. About my mother and me.”

There is always Ellis’ concern between them.

“I’m listening,” Webber’s eyes flicker curiously. “What is it?”

“Before she died, she disowned me,” How do the words wondrously slip from her lips without any pain? “She did it during her episode when she was aware of what she was doing. She disowned me,” And yes, she thought that would be easier but her throat tightens in fear, attacking her with doubts. Her tears feel wet and when she looks up at Richard, all she can see is the only parent she has left out there. “She disowned me because I’m a lesbian and, please-”

Voice cracking, a broken sob escapes her lips. This time she is not weeping over who she loves, she is weeping over the possibility to lose Richard, pushing him away, making a mistake in trusting him with this like her mother, or doing something he doesn’t like, like Thatcher.

She raises her hand, hiding her eyes behind it, feeling more sobs wrecking her chest. She tries to stay quiet to not alarm anyone else in the house but she falters when she feels his gentle big hand on her back.

“Meredith, look at me,” But she shakes her head when the next tears stream down her face. “Look at me.” It takes all the courage she owns to look him in the face. “Ellis made a mistake, so many mistakes. Neglecting you when you were a child, a beautiful smart little girl. And this, what you just told me, was a mistake as well. Not loving you for who you are.”

When she can’t stop crying, he just pulls her delicately into him, which sends her crying even more as she attempts to say without hiccuping, “I know I’m making a fuss- I know you don’t understand me. I don’t understand me.”

“There is nothing difficult to understand here,” Richard says as she hides her face in the fabric of his white shirt and gently makes circles on her back. “You are a lesbian. And it shouldn’t be changing anything.”

Before she thanks him, a lot of time it takes her to collect herself to manage to speak properly. Silly, she wants to call herself, dumb, idiotic, fucking pathetic. But that’s when she recalls her last therapy session when she began to slowly unfold her insecurities and learned to turn each one of those words into something better - serious, smart, emotional, delicate, afraid, learning to walk on this earth again and unlearning everything her parents left her with, all this baggage.

“You’re okay, we’re okay,” He tells her when they step aside. “We’re on the road to better days, right? Recovery.”

“Yeah.”

“We can make a pride day in the hospital if you-”

“No! Chief, no,” She begins to laugh through the tears and soon, she feels herself feeling weaker again.

“Is everything okay here?” Addison appears from around the corner and Meredith turns to her, forgetting about her ruined makeup, she watches the brunette’s face turn into a worried mess. “Meredith?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Grey laughs. “Chief was only-”

“Proposing a pride day at the hospital,” Richard explains, not understanding the laughter from both of the women, because Addison instantly joins her hearing the proposition. “Okay, laugh as much as you want. I have a hospital to go back to so… Addie, take care of her?”

Sliding an arm around Meredith’s waist, gently bringing the two of them together, Addison nods, “Sure thing. Drive safe, Richard.” She feels Mer resting against her body, clearly in a need to lean onto something. “Let’s go upstairs, okay?”

She realises it has really taken the energy out of Meredith when she agrees without a fight and heads upstairs, feet shuffling as she moves them. Addison sighs, but she knows that it will only get easier for Meredith once everybody knows and it’s not a secret - because as long as it is a secret, people can hurt her with it.

Peeking into the living room, the party is slowing down and she knows soon everyone will drop and roll into sleep.

But she follows Grey only when she finds her purse under the wall of coats and jackets, jumping every two steps and quickly walking down the hall until she finds herself by the only door without a lock.

She expects to find Meredith curled up on the mattress, but instead, she is on her knees in front of her closet, brushing through a mess of clothes and throwing shoes behind her. That picture makes Addison chuckles quietly, but deciding not to mess with exhausted emotionally Mer, she lets her do her thing and instead sits on the edge of the bed and pulls out a flat black velvet box.

“Ah!” Meredith pulls out a big forest green box and whinges from the weight of it, picking it up. “There it is.”

Her smile is contagious, because the second she sees Addison on her bed, every wrinkle on her face, every tiniest sign of how tired she is disappears. She jumps over the wooden piece of the foot of her bed and crawls over the sheets, dropping the box between them.

“That’s your present,” She says quietly, clearly excited at the vision of Addison opening it. “From me.”

Addison hums, hiding the small box behind her back and reaches out to pull one of the strings of a bow. But then, Meredith’s hand covers hers and she leans in… almost as if she wants to… kiss her?

“If you don’t like it, we can go and get you anything else,” Thank God Addison doesn’t lean in because she would appear as a total idiot; her brain is too hazy after today’s realisation of her feelings and then the vicious play on her heart when they kissed under the mistletoe. “But I just thought this is one of the things that connected us and I hoped you would… Well, okay, open it, because now I’m just rambling.”

The only thing she can do is smile mysteriously at Meredith before pulling the bow open and picking up the top cover.

It exposes ten volumes of books that look beautiful even from the side of the backs - golden titles written in cursive which reminiscences Middle Aged font over leather gilded material. She must inhale loudly, the air wheezing between her lips as she runs her fingers over them.

Her eyes are big and round as she looks up at Meredith, hesitating if she can pull these wonders out, scared to break them. The question in her eyes must be obvious because, with a shy smile, Meredith nods, talking her into it without any words.

That’s how they are, truly. Their eyes speak everything their tongues can’t.

One by one, Addison slowly pulls out every volume and each book appears to be even more beautiful - it’s an enormous Shakespeare collection, and she has always been keen on classics, yet always believing she shouldn’t obsess over something like that, God even knows why. But there it is - Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Othello, Midsummer Night’s Dream. Macbeth, Julius Caesar, Much Ado About Nothing, Twelfth Night, The Tempest and As You Like It - all of them in her hands. From red to dark emerald green and all shades of blue, she cannot her lips from opening in awe.

Her own collection, one that’s so gracious and so holy that it deserves its own library, for everyone to see. She cannot wait to get to read them, reminding herself of all the words she didn’t understand reading them as a child, hiding in Bizzy’s small library in their house.

“Meredith,” Her voice softens, melting with each letter uttered. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t like it?”

“I love it, Mer!” She can’t help herself from crying out and instantly plunging into Meredith’s arms.

She intertwines her arms around the blonde’s neck and hides her face in the familiar lavender smell of the silky strands. When she feels strong arms gently tangling around her waist, that pull her only closer, she smiles.

It is selfish, to keep Meredith so close while being in love with her. But she doesn’t live in delusion, isn’t talking herself that they could ever happen - because nothing that amazing could happen to her, life has never graced her with such a blessing - and no, she is wrong - having Meredith in her life is a blessing already. But… she can’t stay away. She needs to be with Meredith, even if they are friends only.

“Okay,” She wipes away a tear of happiness when they separate. “Thank you so much, I don’t even know what to say. But I got you something, too.”

There is an honest surprise on Meredith’s face.

“It’s much smaller, but…” Addison reaches behind her and exposes the box. Meredith’s hands carefully take it in as she smiles nervously before opening it. “But it made me think of you when I was in Los Angeles.”

It made me think of you.

Meredith’s heart feels like it’s a bonfire.

Her fingers tremble, just a bit, when she opens the box, exposing a beautiful golden pendant. It shows a small bird with its arms spread wide open as if plunging into the air between the trees. Free.
There are so many tiny details that she has to raise it closer to her eye, taking all of it in.

“It’s a sparrow,” Addison explains, playing with the hem of her dress. “In many European folklore and fairytales, it represents a symbol of hope, as well as resilience and strength. Everything you represent.”

She might have bought it before she knew that meaning, but that only makes it look more like fate, since the moment she’s seen it in the window display, she knew she was buying it for Meredith.

“Addie,” Her voice sounds so tender in Mer’s mouth, like she has no edges and exists just to love. “I’m… I’m going to wear it forever.”

“You like it?”

“How could I not?” Meredith pulls the necklace out and hands it to Addison. “Can you help me put it on?”

Turning around, Mer takes her hair in her hands and raises it, which exposes the curve of her neck. If she wasn’t irrevocably in love with her in the past months, that would be the moment she would fall for sure in that situation, Addison promises herself.

Once the pendant is perfectly between Meredith’s collarbone, she turns to Addison with a grin so wonderful that it shouldn’t be humanly possible to own. She looks like all of Addie’s dream personified and later that night, after they get every single guest a bed or mattress, or in Derek’s case couch, she slides on the mattress between Lexie and Meredith and embraces the blonde in sleep.

Yeah, she might be fucked. But when she breathes in the lavender and sees the glimmer of gold on Mer’s neck, everything is worth it.

Notes:

i am eternally grateful for every feedback🤍
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my special meddison christmas playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5JoNBP2e94EBtFBipAk7c1?si=2SK4pIRtTTOmTQ3ztpM9EA&pi=e-ug3eH5haRXe0

Chapter 44: did i almost see what's really on the inside?

Notes:

hi guys!!
as always i'm forever grateful for every single of my readers and i'm really pumped to post this one. it focuses on addison and her past (*tragic backstories*) and i tried to do my best with my knowledge and experience and people i've helped in the past, just like myself, so all i'm hoping is that i did that topic justice.
also you've got lots of hurt/comfort in this one;)

TW//mentions of eating disorder

stay safe everyone

The cool dawn air greets Meredith with a gentle embrace, as she steps out of her car onto the concrete pavement. It stopped snowing in the middle of the night of the Christmas party and ever since then the temperature has risen enough for her to ditch the fluffy scarf, throwing it on the backseat, and unbutton the top of the coat. The world around her seems to still be asleep, even when the sky is a canvas painted in vibrant colours, hues of pink blending in orange and purple, seamlessly together; so peaceful.

Her senses are heightened when the wind grazes against her neck, hair brushed onto her back, except for the freshly-cut bangs; the crisp morning air awakening every part of her that still is leaning into the sleep. She’s missed mornings like these and even though she is alone right now, all she can think about when she takes the four steaming cups of coffee from the passenger’s seat, is the morning after her first 48-hour shift when she caught up with Cristina, Izzie and George, before any of them were friends.

What plain and simple life was back then, compared to today. But as she makes her way to the front entrance of Seattle Grace, the rich aroma of coffee mixing with the sweet scent of the morning dew and spice, with a fragrance of gingerbread reaches her nostrils. The anticipation of meeting with her friends after yesterday’s lonely shift makes her walk faster, with the promise of a new day.

Meredith is not an idiot, though. It’s clear since her mood is so high and restless, the way she will drop onto the floor, straight to the bottom will be phenomenally painful. That’s how her brain works, the higher she gets, the lower she sinks, but what else can she do? She can pretend her hands don’t shake from the need to do something and her heart isn't beating too quickly, yet it won’t stop her from finding her way into depression again. She might as well embrace the danger.

When she is out of the residents’ lounge, the coffee is still hot and a wide smile stretches out on her lips when she notices Cristina, Callie and Lexie in the corridor. They are heading towards her and stop by the nurses' station, where Mer meets them halfway, humming as one of Fergie’s songs replays in her head.

“Hi, guys!” Settling the four cups on the counter, she grins at the women and instantly earns a weird look from all three of them. “I got some sweetness for you.”

“Why…” Cristina’s judging look passes her up and down. “...are you in such a good mood?”

“Just feeling bright and shiny,” to prove that, Meredith’s stare moves onto her half-sister, suddenly all dislike and antipathy disappearing because why not? “Lexie, do you like Christmas special Starbucks with spice?”

“Yeah!” The younger Grey puts on her bright smile, brushing back a strand of her dark hair and then takes the hot cup. “I do, thank you.”

“Callie?”

“Sure thing I do,” With a thankful smile, Torres takes the drink and instantly sips it. But even then, as she leans her elbows on the surface, the small frown doesn’t disappear from her forehead watching how oddly happy Meredith is.

“How is the moving going?” Mer asks and tries to give Yang one of two coffees left but Cristina is too busy trying to read her.

When everyone woke up with the biggest of headaches, hangover spreading all around the house, Addison and Lexie were in the kitchen preparing breakfast for those who weren’t throwing up their insides. As a bigger group collected in the room, enticed by the drool-worthy smell, one thing turned into another and suddenly, Cristina proposed for Callie to move in since Lexie is now occupying a spot in Burke’s old apartment, and Callie agreed, too depressed about Erica to even think about the consequences of her decisions.

“Sloan is later helping me get the boxes into his brand new truck after work,” Callie says. She still has dark circles and her eyes are red, but no one dares to ask more about what happened with Hahn - she hasn’t shown up on the 26th and while she could be taking a vacation, everybody knows she is not coming back.

“By the time, we should be all settled,” Crisitna says and then elbows her intern. “And Lexie will have the whole couch for herself.”

It makes Lexie smile shyly and her face is turning a bit red the longer she drinks.

Meredith decides to leave alone the chit-chat and asks the most important question, “Have you seen Addie?”

In one moment, Callie and Lexie’s sunny expressions fade away.

“About that…” Callie clears her throat. “She had a tough night. She threw up the whole night and we took care of her,” That would explain the dark circles that Mer now notices in her half-sister’s as well. “But she barely was able to walk in the morning. I called the Chief and she has a day off."

“She was asleep when we were leaving,” Lexie adds. “She got better, but she is just exhausted and needs a lot of rest.”

“You left her alone after a night like that?” Within one second the brightness and shiness disappear from Meredith’s body.

“Meredith, she is a grown woman and is sleeping it off,” Callie says, sighing as she knows that the bare thought of Addison being hurt in any way can send Meredith Grey off the cliff or make her commit a felony or the worst, kill everyone in this building and then herself. “She is a single mother, there will be struggles she has to go through alone. And she wasn’t even alone! We stayed up with her the whole night, so there is no need to worry.”

Of course, Meredith doesn’t buy that. Even if it’s the truth.

“You know what? I’m gonna-” Her pager goes off and she lets out a series of such vulgar words that three other women watch her with eyes as round as coins, and then, without any other word, she storms down the corridor, wherever she got just paged.

“Well, that was it when it comes to bright and shiny,” Cristina says, resting her chin on her fist and turning to Lexie to have her intern do something useful. “Three, why are you so red?”

“I have an allergy to spice,” Lexie takes her mouth away from the cup as she speaks to expose her red swollen lips.

“Why the hell are you drinking it then?” Callie outcatches Cristina with the startled question.

“I didn’t want Meredith to feel bad.”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Cristina takes the coffee in her hands before Lexie can say anything else. “Her day is already fucked anyways. Go take some Claritin.”

Cristina is left alone with three cups of cold coffee in the end and feels relief when Lexie leaves and Callie goes probably to cry in the bathroom. Every time she has to deal with Lexie, she remembers one of her lowest, most embarrassing moments when she uncovered one of her biggest secrets - well, no, Cristina doesn’t do secrets ever since she put her own career on line just to prove Preston Burke is still a great surgeon, without a tremor in his million dollar worthy hand - but she still has things she leaves better unsaid.

And she crossed that line and said everything that’s been sitting on her chest. It isn’t a big surprise to her she likes a woman; she is not like Meredith, it doesn’t touch her soul so deeply, doesn’t wound her with the fact she likes both men and women. What wounds her is who exactly is the woman she feels all things she shouldn’t feel. Because it is impossible. It cannot ever be, not when she watched Izzie pine for all the men Cristina couldn’t stand - and, some part of her began to actually like Alex.

Now, she can’t bare to watch him, despite he is slowly becoming an actual human being and Evil Spawn she won’t ever halt calling him.

She misses the days when Meredith sat broken in the Emerald City, drinking her problems off. It is selfish, to miss that dark side of her person and seeing her get better is one of the best things that could happen to Cristina, because she loves that stupid woman so much. But back in the bar days, Cristina would be able to tell Mer about what she felt and they would just drink tequila like two whores who don’t want to feel and worry.

Maybe it’s a sign to do everything to move on. Meredith is fighting her way through her mental illness and trauma and perhaps, Cristina should fight for herself as well. To forget, to stop loving the wrong person at the wrong time. Even if she would be a far better boyfriend.

---

Instead of expediting work and having an easy day, Meredith gets a brand new patient that barely makes it out alive. Her medical team quickly assesses their vital signs, which leads to discovering dangerously low blood pressure and elevated heart rate.

This way they find the man suffers from a severe case of pneumonia, most probably brought on by a weakened immune system due to an underlying medical condition. Finding out the answer is hard while they search through the patient’s medical history, which is extensive and complicated - the list of allergies, medications and chronic illnesses is never-ending. A history of heart diseases, diabetes and asthma contributes to the weakened state he is in and Meredith cannot even think about Addison right now, not when she is busy saving life. But her heart, it is streets away, worrying without an end.

The situation doesn’t get better once she discovers the patient has been avoiding medical care for months which clearly grants to their unconscious state. There is no ability to communicate with the man. But with the quick work of the whole team, along with two of Grey’s interns, they administer oxygen and antibiotics, as further plans of testing and treatment are made.

It makes his state strengthen and while he stays blacked out, his breathing evens out and the biggest of dangers passes. However, it takes almost half of the day to reach that and Meredith is free only an hour late, to leave the hospital with a clear conscience.

Changed back into her clothes, she keeps the pager in the front pocket of her jeans and she feels exhausted when she falls onto the driver’s seat - not because of all the work, but because of Addison’s state haunting her thought every second of every minute.

Stopping only at Addison’s favourite place to eat ever since Meredith talked her into talking fast food, sensing Montgomery’s reluctance to this type of food comes from what she overheard in Malibu rather than from healthy habits, she drives straight to the apartment.

Her heart almost gives out when she knocks and has to wait over fifteen seconds for her to open. Every single bad script unrolls inside her head; she sees everything that could ever happen to a pregnant woman - and there’s a lot of it, given she is a goddamn doctor.

But then, once Addison appears at the door, she looks like she has barely woken up.

“Addie,” Meredith says, letting out a heavy breath. “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” Addison asks, yawning and forgetting to even cover her mouth as she does. Her hair is a mess and she is in the big Yale hoodie, the one she wears when she needs comfort the most.

“I came to check up on you,” Meredith explains and then shows the bag with a burger drawn over it. “And I brought you favourite.”

“Oh, come in,” It comes to Addison’s mind only now to let Mer in, too hazy from the sleep.

The moment she realises there is food in her apartment, the delicious scent of burgers and fries, her stomach grumbles immediately. And this time, when she feels nauseous, it isn’t because of morning sickness. It’s because she hasn’t eaten anything in over fifteen hours and the sensation of being so hungry sends her back in time - when she was rewarding herself the longer she left herself without eating.

No matter how destructive these times were, and times include twenty years of going back and forth, healthy and safe for years just for the monster to creep up on her again and make her fall into the darkness of torturing her body, she feels pride for not eating through the whole night. It’s sick and wrong and she wants to fall onto the floor and cry until she runs out of tears.

“I bought three different ones because I didn’t know which one you would prefer,” Meredith says, unpacking the food onto plates, already in Addison’s kitchen.

“I don’t feel like eating.”

If it was anybody else, Addison would put on a smile, sit by the kitchen counter and eat everything, just to throw it up later. But it is Meredith. Her Meredith, her safe haven. She feels like she has no obligation to act and pretend, and she is so goddamn exhausted.

So, without looking behind her, she trails her way to the bedroom and collapses on the bed, curling up under the sheets. It’s hard to breathe. Hard to speak. She is afraid to tell someone out loud things she’s hoped would never come around again.

“But you need to eat,” Grey doesn’t let go and she leaves the food in the kitchen, following Addison further into the flat.

Addison shakes her head, but it’s probably not even evident with her head stuck into the pillows, “Can we please not talk about food? Or eating? Please.”

The screams inside her head are enough.

“Addie.”

Meredith watches the scene and first, is so surprised she finds no other words on her tongue. She is not able to form another single word that is not Addison’s name and… That’s it. Realising this is the moment when Addison unfolds herself completely to Meredith, something she has been waiting for a long time, hoping that the brunette would rely on her, the way she always let Mer lean into herself. This is her trial, if she truly loves Addison.

And she does. Oh, how she does.

Loving her means not giving up on her and pulling out the tough call, even if it means Addison getting angry at her.

“Don’t make me call Naomi.”

Addison instantly rolls around to face Meredith and sits up, feeling dizzy by the sudden movements, but feeling the inkling of anger in her chest, “Why would you do that?”

“Because you made a promise to her,” Meredith sits down on the edge of the mattress, to show she doesn’t want to fight and isn’t towering over Addison. “That if it has ever gotten worse, you would contact her.”

Within one moment, Montgomery’s eyes light up with understanding.

Her lips part as she inhales sharply before speaking, “You heard us.”

“I did,” Meredith nods with a heavy heart. “I’m sorry but I did.”

“Meredith,” There is no way to hide the disappointment in her voice. But she is so exhausted and hungry, and sleep deprived, and every single muscle, every single bone in her body is hurting. Coldness surrounds her and she hasn’t realised she’s started shaking until the bedsheets drop into her lap as she sits up.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but you can’t go down from here,” Meredith’s voice is firm but her gaze is nothing but soft, caring. “It’s not only your life on the line anymore.”

“I-” All the strength, each ounce she had left of it evaporates as if it never existed and Addison’s voice cracks. “I am so tired, Meredith. So tired. Can you just,” First tears balance on the edge of her eyelids. “Can you just hold me?”

She doesn’t have to ask again.

At once, Meredith climbs further into the bed and manages to slide under the sheets, head dropping on one of two enormous white pillows. She opens her arms, no more questions, no more words and Addison begins to weep from the relief of it all. Throughout the whole night, she wished for Meredith to magically appear in the apartment and hold her on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor until she puked everything she had in herself and later carried her into the bed. Instead, she let Lexie hold her hand and Callie brush back her hair and make sure it doesn’t end up in the toilet; it would leave her too guilty to wake up Meredith in the middle of the night just because she needed her. But then, a thought crossed her mind that if the roles were reversed, everything in her would want Mer to wake her up just to come over and save her this one time.

She falls into her arms like into peaceful waves, drowning herself in that special scent that Meredith always carries with her. Her head rests on Mer’s chest and she curls up her legs, which eventually tangle with the blonde’s feet and she lets the tears run, drip from her nose and cheek onto the grey sweater. Her body is overcome with sobbing that wrecks her ribcage and makes strangled noises leave her mouth and she is shaking so badly that in the end, Meredith changes their position and rolls onto her side, throwing one of her legs over Addison’s hip, careful to not hurt her stomach and makes them face each other, in a way where Addie hides her face in the crook of Mer’s neck.

Trying her best, Meredith tucks the sheets around Addison’s body so that there is no way for the warmth to escape and she shushes her cries, brushing through her tangled hair and whispering into her ear calming words. It manages to quiet down Addison’s despair, yet her hands tangle into Meredith, needily grabbing onto her, clinging onto her as if every move of her body is saying never let me go.

“I’m here, Addie,” She whispers with her cheeks pressed against Addison’s top of her head. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, whether you want to tell me what’s going on or not.”

Meredith deserves that explanation, deserves to know there is more behind the cut scars on her thighs, more beneath it all.

Slowly, she shifts back, enough for her voice to be heard and not deafened because of her lips pressed against the fabric of Mer’s top and skin.

“I went really dark,” Her eyes are shut as she begins to speak, but she doesn’t have to see to know Meredith is staring at her face. “When I was with Derek. Both before I cheated on him and after he fell in love with you but went back to me. My coping mechanisms, they weren’t the greatest and the more I saw him longing for you, loving you, the less I ate. When I did eat, I would later puke all of it. If it wasn’t for Richard who caught me almost fainting during a long surgery, I don’t know how much darker I would go. I could not eat for days. I hated my body, I hated the way I looked, I saw so much ugliness, imperfections. Each time I saw myself in the mirror, I was fighting the urge to just shatter it.” Memories flash through her mind, every painful moment of losing herself. “And I waited this long to tell you about my struggles because I didn’t want you to blame yourself.”

Opening her eyes, she thinks it’s only fair this way, to face Meredith and explain herself. No more running, no more faked smiles when she felt like letting someone catch her, letting be the one who needed saving, needed help.

“It’s on me. It’s on me and on Derek, none of it is on you,” Her voice cracks again but she doesn’t give up when the light blue eyes watch her, without any judgement in them. They’re so light today, so… reminding her of the waves of the ocean. “But I’m better now, until last night. Richard knows and sends me to see a specialist once a month. I used to see a therapist several times per week. And despite everything you witnessed today, I know I can’t stop eating again.”

Just like that, she runs out of breath and lets herself rest for a moment. Expecting Mer to rush her, the blonde only nods and wipes away the last of the tears on Addison’s cheeks. She just… looks at her. But not simply looks, she sees her - both the pretty parts but mostly, the broken ones, that every human being carries within them, deep inside. She sees everything and is not sent running away and screaming. Meredith stays.

“But it leaves a mark. I haven’t had a day like this in a very long time, but with all the vomiting, the sucking feeling of hunger, all I want to do is to lower myself in it. Count the calories again, tighten fingers around my wrist to check if they connect,” It feels dirty, admitting her bad habits of the past. “But I know it would only lead to so much unhappiness.”

“I am so sorry, Addie,” Meredith brushes the outside of her fingers against Montgomery’s cheek in a peaceful manner, her face showing nothing but love; her eyes are a bit wet as she speaks. “You never deserved that. You don’t deserve that.”

“It stopped, though, after I signed the divorce papers and let him go. Not right away, it never fully goes away. But I function properly now. I don’t feel like collapsing on the ground now. But recovery was hard. So, I might forgive Derek for everything, but I will never forgive him for how worthless he made me feel, knowing I am struggling with eating and body image. He decided to be with me for his ego and the need to be a great man, while treating everything I gave him like shit.”

For lack of words, Meredith sighs feeling if she talked now, her voice would quiver. She brings Addison into her embrace again, feeling they will be alright, the two of them if they stick together, faithful to each other’s friendship. It might be the only thing that can be reciprocated and it must be enough.

“You can’t give up now, after you’ve gotten so far,” She whispers. “You’ve fought so hard. Don’t let your illness win."

“I won’t.”

“And…” The question can’t leave her mind. “Is it why you helped me?”

“Partly, yes,” Addison admits. “I knew how it felt to have no one to hold you when you need it, so I wanted to make sure you will never feel this way. And later, we became friends and I was never so grateful for acting out on my weird feelings.”

“Oh, Addie…”

“I know I said too much-”

“No!” Meredith’s whole body signs the objection as she moves to look Addison straight in the eyes. “You didn’t. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am so sorry he did both of us so wrong.”

“Derek won’t hurt either of us ever again,” Addison sits up, feeling the need to collect herself and actually do something to show the demons in her head she is not giving up. Something connected to the food sitting on the kitchen counter.

“Never again,” Following her in sitting up, Meredith nods vigorously and notices the quick glance Montgomery sent to the other room. “And I think these burgers aren’t cold yet. Do you want us to eat now? We could watch a movie and eat on the couch.”

“Yeah,” Despite the revolt inside her head, she nods and exhales. “I would love that.”

It makes Meredith smile sincerely and she jumps out of the bed, “Good girl.”

“That’s my line,” Addison swings her legs and stays at the edge of the bed, watching Meredith take off her sweater and prepare their food in her burgundy top.

“Not today.”

With teasing in her voice, Meredith sways her hips with two big plates of food as she crosses the living room. Trailing behind her, Addison falls onto the couch and lets Mer choose the movie from the big DVD collection Callie hasn’t packed with her yet. And after the hell she’s gone through the past night, life is exquisitely good, just for this moment. Meredith protects her, holding the monsters at bay.

Notes:

if you ever need to talk to someone about the topics mentioned in this chapter, feel free to message me on my twitter @imshakesqueer or on my instagram @valfem_
every feedback will be highly appreciated<3
find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=93ddbe711d644b75

Chapter 45: try to listen to me now

Notes:

hi guys
thank you for all of the support. i am always eternally grateful for every single of my readers and the support you give me since the very beginning. last week's chapter was quite difficult, but your feedback showed me i managed to pull through:)

today's chapter is EXTREMELY HEAVY and might be really triggering, i may even say more than the previous one. i wrote it from the knowledge of survivors i know that shared it with me and i tried my best to stay respectful but also let meredith process her emotions and triggering memories.

please stay safe.

TG//sexual assault, violence

On her way, rushing down the hallways towards the patient room where she was urgently paged, Meredith first bumps into Cristina heading the same way and they laugh it off, but when Alex appears on their way, the laughs die out and they break into a run. The three of them are equally confused about why half of the residents are needed in one case, especially when the patient room’s door is closed and there are no yells or no emergency codes put into life.

Everything is silent and quiet and peaceful. That is, until Izzie doesn’t open the door a bit and pulls them inside with a determined and sore face.

“This ends now,” She announces when all five of them gather inside - George already waiting against the window; his poor attempts to look chill go off half-cooked with the unnaturally bent elbows as his hands grab the edge of the windowsill.

Cristina makes a confused face, her eyes set on the sleeping patient, “You want to unplug the Really Old Guy?”

“No!” Izzie takes a stand in front of George. “I want to clear the air and explain why Meredith thought it was okay to first, not include George for Christmas and secondly, to later kick him out of the house.”

“And what do I have to do with that?” Alex asks, unbothered.

“You literally threatened him!”

“Oh, right,” He lets out a choked snort and falls onto the armchair by the entrance, very much not impressed by Izzie’s deadly stare. “And I would do it again. It’s Mer’s house, we’re just living in it. She picks who can enter and who has to go.”

“Meredith?”

Izzie’s voice is strained and it’s so crystal clear she expects Meredith to fall onto her knees and beg for forgiveness that she even dared to speak up about what hurts her and let people stand up for her when she was afraid.

But Meredith doesn’t want to do this. She is exhausted by all the weight that the world has been throwing on her shoulders, ever since she was old enough as a child to remember. And memory, she has learned, is her biggest curse imaginable. As long as she keeps the memories at bay, her brain denying them to keep her safe away front he trauma, she can live in denial, she can do that.

Of course, she doesn’t blame Addie for their conversation before Christmas which opened the can of worms of things George did to her and how the worst thing wasn’t the very act, but what came afterwards - her being painted as a villain for hurting poor little boy who just acted out on his feelings. The embarrassment, how pathetic everyone made her feel for crying while she was being assaulted. But some part of her wishes, she never slipped as they talked, she just kept talking and ignored Addison’s comment about O’Malley.

So she wouldn’t be standing here, being interrogated in front of the public.

“I really don’t want to do this, okay?’ Meredith tries to keep her voice steady, but when she continues, it cracks. “I can’t- I can’t.”

It doesn’t even take one second for Cristina to step closer, her warmth like a safety jacket spreading around Meredith. Her hand gently rests on her shoulder, “Mer.”

“You’ve always thought I was worse than you,” George pushes himself off the windowsill and looks like an angry kid with a frown on his face as he stared Meredith straight in the face. “Cristina and Alex at least didn’t pretend to be otherwise. I like it better than being two-faced. You’ve always thought I wasn’t enough.”

She tightens her fists together and feels the nails breaking into the delicate skin inside of her palms. There will be later bloody crescent moons left, that pinch each time she washes her hands, and all she wants is for Addison to notice them and kiss them better, like one time she caught her doing that old habit of hers.

“Are we really going to listen to Bambi weep over how pathetic he is?” Alex sounds thoroughly bored.

Meredith has never loved that man more.

It almost makes her smile, bitterly and sadly, but still counts as a smile. However, she keeps her facial expression controlled, scared to death to cause more havoc; she wants to leave this room, leave her whole past behind. Turn into something simpler, lighter. Fly through the sky. Not hurt anymore.

“Alex!” Izzie clearly doesn’t feel the same love for Alex for his words.

“No, I agree,” Cristina speaks up to everyone for the first time. “Meredith doesn’t do things without a solid reason. And if she doesn’t want to share, we should leave her be. All of us.”

Alex nods, “Friendships sometimes fall apart, Iz.”

“I deserve to know the reason,” George grunts.

Always reaching for what’s not his. Always demanding things that do not belong to him. And always claiming them, with his greedy hands, not looking out for the damage he leaves behind him.

“You deserve shit, George,” Meredith snaps, unable to hold herself back. “That’s what you fucking deserve.”

Her words leave the room ringing in silence and everyone is shocked. Izzie has gasped and she is gaping, lost for words. Cristina’s hand dropped from Meredith’s shoulder as the blonde stepped forward, staring at George through the room. Even Alex has exhaled heavily in his seat and leaned forward, as if preparing himself to lunge across at George, his fists waiting for the right moment.

Time stops for this short infinite amount of moments.

Everything happens in slow motion for Meredith, at least in the beginning. As she looks around at the faces of people that used to be the closest thing she had as a family, she recognises that she is about to put half of them in history to rest. She has her person, she always had Cristina, until the end of the world, but what will happen to the rest of them once she says everything that she wanted to murder in silence?

“You want to make me the villain for protecting myself? You want to make me remember what happened that night? You want me to tell everyone the things I held back to keep you protected?” Once the words are out of her mouth, the slow motion ends and she is back to the usual rush of life; her blood is pumping so loudly through her veins that she barely hears her own voice. “Then let me tell everyone.”

She sees it immediately.

George’s face falls, dropping the innocent act and he is downright terrified. He didn’t believe she had it in herself, to say it, to tell others. He didn’t realise that she is a Grey and Greys cannot be destroyed. He underestimated her.

“I don’t think so-”

But Cristina silences him with a raise of her hand, “No. Let her speak.”

Trying to be gentle, even underneath the storm of her feelings, Meredith catches Izzie’s wrist and pulls her through the room to stand next to Alex and Cristina. This way, George is the only person left on the other side of the room and she decides to ignore him for now; the fear paralyses him enough to not even stutter out the briefest of sounds.

“You remember when you found out I had sex with George?” The words are sickening her to the core but she keeps it together as three pairs of eyes watch her carefully. She gets three nods at her question. “And none of you stood by my side. I was the wrong one, the dirty seductress, who misused poor boy who was madly in love with me. That’s how you painted me. While he was obsessed with me, stalked me, pretended to be my friend just to get into my pants. All of you guilt-trapped me - well, no, Alex didn’t - into pleading with George to forgive me. For what? For being raped?”

Once the last word forms on her tongue, she feels herself crumbling.

There is a certain freedom that costs you your life once you speak out loud about things that managed to destroy the deepest of your mind and your heart. It’s the first time she’s ever admitted it out loud - hell, she barely even let that word appear in her head. Only when she began to roll down that way of thinking, she cut herself off, terrified of the flashbacks that would come afterwards.

Silent tears spring from her eyes and begin to roll down her burning cheeks. She still feels disgusting, after all this time.

While Izzie stutters, trying to find any words and Cristina looks utterly heartbroken, Alex doesn’t waste a moment. He springs to his feet with cold fires in his eyes and the only thing that stops him is one swift raise of Meredith’s hand at the height of his chest.

“No, let me finish,” It’s impossible to stop sniffing and for the cries not to turn into sobbing but she doesn’t let that silence her; she’s been hushed too many times in her life. “Izzie wanted to end this now, so she’ll have her end.”

Alex falls back onto the armchair, but he is leaning forward and his stare never leaves George who has moved back under the wall again.

“You want me to unpack all of this shit?” Meredith laughs, feeling herself lose it more and more with each passing second. When she looks at Izzie, she cannot feel any love towards her; she knows when they leave this room she won’t be able to find any sympathy for Stevens, not when she makes her go through this hell all over again. “Fine! You’ve heard his version. Let me tell you what really happened.”

“Mer, hey,” Cristina takes a step towards her; each of her movements slows as if approaching a shy animal. “Mer.”

“No, Cristina,” She shakes her head and pulls away before her hands can embrace her. “No.”

Once she lets someone hug her, she will break down. She’s known herself for too long unfortunately, she’s spent her whole life stuck in her brain and the very sign of comfort may send her off the edge.

Everything inside of her screams to lean into Cristina, to let her person pull out of the room and to a place that’s safe, that’s away from the drama, away from the trauma. But she has to be strong, if not to prove to Izzie how wrong she was, then for her future self.

“I was wasted, barely walking, barely fucking standing on my legs,” The images flashing through her mind make her nauseous; her throat tightened and she can guess her face is turning pale green. “George was completely sober when he walked into my room. Honestly, I didn’t even realise he entered until I didn’t feel his hands on me. On the hem of my shirt. Given my state, some parts are in flashbacks but his shirt was suddenly gone, and then his hands were pulling mine off as well. Taking off my bra. Pushing me onto the bed.” Shivers run down her spine and her chest begins heaving. “He took off my jeans, torn them off, and he never spoke, never asked me. I was turned off the world, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t even move. But I started sobbing eventually, the moment he opened my legs and- he-” A sharp breath leaves her mouth and she ignores the faces of her friend and turns around, facing the real devil. In the past week, she imagined the scene in her head, telling him what he did, making him understand that she hasn’t forgotten. But each time that fantasy popped up in her head, she told herself time by time she wasn’t strong enough to face him. Yet she proves herself wrong right now. “I begged you to stop, George. I begged you to stop, and yeah, sure, my words were blurry but you heard me. But you didn’t stop until you were finished. So fuck you. Fuck you, George, fuck you,” Meredith stops to even pretend she is not crying, stops holding back as her wrecked sobs escape her lips and echo so loudly they must go past the door to the room. “Fuck you for feeling entitled to let Izzie do the intervention. I wouldn’t speak up but you pushed me to do it. So fuck you.”

It comes as an instinct, the way she raises her hand, ready to swing towards George. Cristina runs up to her at the last second, catching her back with her arms intertwining around her middle before she does something she regrets, before it all gets out of hand.

“You can stop her, but you won’t stop me,” Alex sneers and ignores Izzie calling out after him.

He crosses the room in three steps and it doesn’t take a second more for George to be thrown onto the floor, under the heavy fists. Alex lowers himself down, never stopping beating him as O’Malley attempts to speak; there is blood streaming down his temple and from his nose but Karev does not stop until Izzie doesn’t pull him off. But then, the damage is already done and George looks halfway alive.

Meredith smiles. Still trashing in Cristina’s arms, she smiles seeing George down because everything in her is fucked up. She feels as if she is broken in every single place, every spot you mind find, it’s utterly and irreversibly fractured, cut into pieces you won’t ever manage to get in place. Because before life has broken her down in the past year, she would have never smiled at violence. She would never.

The rest of humanity inside of her is screaming for Cristina to let her go. Not to finish Alex’s job, but to help George sit up and clean his face of blood, take care of the bruises that soon will cover his body and face.

What’s supposed to be a laugh, cruel and bitter, comes out a sob as her knees buckle. But Cristina holds her and shushes her.

“It’s okay, Mer,” She whispers. “Honey.”

She’s never called her a soft name like this, and that awakens Meredith from the momentary hesitation and break as her brain circulated for barely seconds. With all she got, Grey pulls herself out of the strong arms and stands on her feet, saving herself.

“Fuck off,” She spits, in the midst of the chaos - George almost unconscious on the floor, Alex a foot away panting heavily and Izzie staring in shock at the scene - choosing to look at Izzie and wait until they catch eye contact. “There you go. There you have your fucking explanation of why I don’t want him in my house. Hope you’re happy. Hope you stick to your best friend, a rapist. But you are dead to me for making me remember things I’ve been healing for so long inside of me. Get the hell out of my house if you stick with him!”

“Meredith, please, come with me,” Cristina grabs her.

It is sharp enough to make Meredith stop sending Izzie’s teary eyes a cold look and she feels like she is not inside her body as she leaves the room. For a moment, Meredith is not Meredith Grey, she is just a watcher, an observer from the side and doesn’t feel her muscles. Her body is not hers and the tears all over her face, the shaking chest as she begins to hyperventilate, it doesn’t belong to her. There is no way to stop herself or push herself to do anything.

“Cristina.”

The voice sounds familiar and only when she slides down the wall in the corridor she cannot recognise, she realises it’s her who’s been repeating Yang’s name like a mantra. Over and over again, as if turning the name into a magical spell would ever fix the damage that they’ve left behind; two bloodied men and one weeping woman.

“I know, Mer, I know,” Cristina crouches in front of her, brushing back the blonde hair that glues to her face because of the tears and snotter. “Give me your hand. And breathe with me.”

They stay put in their stop, ignoring each person passing them by. All Cristina can do is guide Meredith through her panic attack, helping her lean her head between her knees and reciting the numbers of how she should breathe.

Just like all the hard emotional things, it takes time until Meredith leans her head back onto the hospital wall and opens her eyes, finally aware of her surroundings. The exhaustion overcomes her within one Tsunami wave, falling hard onto her and splashing everywhere around, her eyes are drowsy and she tilts her chin upward, feelings the sudden sleepiness which causes her to crave curling up on the floor in a small bundle and let the peace arrive.

Instead, her voice turns begging and painful, “I’m not lying. I swear I’m not lying.”

What she reads as pity, in reality, is blooming heartache inside Cristina’s ribcage.

“I know,” She sighs falling onto her ass, deciding her legs give out. “I believe you.”

I believe you.

Three words and Meredith feels the world shifting.

Where she expected more interrogation and digging through the traumatic memories, there is a clear claim of belief.

“I don’t know what to do now, Cristina,” She says, not hiding the fear that comes back to her.

Cristina groans as she picks herself up off the floor and when she leans down with two hands spread to Meredith, the blonde hesitates. Getting up means keep fighting and that means that the carousel never stops spinning.

But what other choice does she have left?

So, she takes Cristina's hands in hers and lets herself be pulled up and then guided down the corridors until they reach the elevator. They get in only once they make sure no one else is inside.

“I know what to do. I’m walking you to Doctor Wyatt and you’re going to tell her what happened. And we’re starting from there.”

One thing at a time.

As her breathing evens out, her mind begins to clear off. All the stormclouds and high waves and everything in between - all the things she is afraid of - they move aside for a moment. The further she is away from George and Izzie’s judging gaze and Alex’s violence, the clearer it is. She doesn’t let go of Cristina’s hand even for one second, both of her cold shaking hands clinging to the warm wrist of her best friend. Her person. The one who will stand by her even when the whole world turns against her.

“Okay,” Mer nods and lets herself be led down the familiar path where she has her therapy sessions.

“C’mon,” Cristina says.

The explanation Yang gives Wyatt is short and simple as Meredith goes sit in her spot on the couch, before the doctor nods and raises her hand she understands that this is an emergency meeting and tells her to close the door. Cristina gives the warmest of smiles to Meredith as the door shuts and she skips down the corridors and staircases until she catches up with the new office Montgomery got just a couple of days before. It’s empty and locked and she swears, rushing to the front entrance.

She catches Satan just when she is about to leave the hospital and guesses she is not running into the rain, so the only other thing left-

“Montgomery!” Her voice carries through the big hall as she jumps every two steps down. “A-” She cringes, hard. “Addison!”

The first name stops Addison and she pauses, moving out of the way and waiting patiently for
Cristina to catch up to her.

Their relationship is… unclear still. They know they are the two most important people in Meredith’s life and neither of them has ever felt jealous of the other, only respect and gladness to have someone trusted to watch over Grey while one of them is busy. The care for the blonde is what ties them together, a bond that cannot be broken as long as Meredith has both of them in her life - and even the universe itself prays to never part any of the three.

“Yang?”

With surprising ease Addison lets herself be pulled from the entrance as Cristina tries to form anything sensible on her tongue.

“Hey, I…” But before she speaks up, Montgomery already knows. “It’s Meredith.”

If anyone can fix it, sweep this mess into one corner and keep it under control, it’s the two of them. Right?

Notes:

if you ever need to talk with someone about something that happened to you feel free to message me on twitter: @imshakesqueer or on instagram @valfem_

Chapter 46: hey, lord, you know i'm tired

Notes:

hi guys!!

i am eternally thankful for the feedback under the last week's chapter - i am so glad the way i dealt with the SA topic was approved by people who had that unfortunate experience. i'm trying my best to show the reality of survivors, as well as mentally ill people - all i hope is for this fanfic to help someone feel less alone.
today's chapter can be only described as "girls supporting girls" AND WE LOVE TO SEE IT!! i love grey's women, especially when they get together to support each other. so, a bit softer chapter than the last one, but TW as there are still mentions of the george situation.

hope you enjoy this one<3

“No, no, she is in the bathro-” Alex’s voice carries throughout the whole floor upstairs and Meredith listens to him grumble while she is leaning over the drawers beneath the sink, throwing everything into a black rubbish bag without even halting to see if any of these things she uses. “Okay. Fine.” He appears to be closer and shows up in the doorway to the bathroom, looking unsurprised to see her fuming over all the shit she collects to throw out. “Mer, it’s for you. Yang.”

“Oh, okay,” Meredith takes the phone into her hand and sits on the edge of the bathtub, between the two windows protecting the shower water from spilling onto the floor. “Hey, what do you want?”

“Why are you in the bathroom?”

Meredith rolls her eyes, “I know it’s hard to believe that I don’t go drown myself each time I get triggered.”

She is not being fair to Cristina, but have either of them been really playing fair play with each other? They are too close to play pretend like that.

“You’re too twisted, so shut up,” Yang says but even through the phone call, Mer can feel there is a drowned-out smile on her lips. “You need to come over for a sleepover.”

“Right now?”

The tone of her voice represents exactly how she feels with her eyes set on all of the makeup and cosmetics, the towels that do not belong to her and every single sign that Izzie Stevens has ever existed. She might be bitter and overreacting, given it’s been barely two days since their confrontation, but she’s grown too tired of others hurting her and staying with her heart completely open to them. Everyone acts like she will manage to withstand everything, that two suicide attempts only show, that in the end, Meredith Grey is unbreakable. Bones of bedrock, a woman of steel, fist always ready to fight back.

But she is just as breakable as anyone else. Her heart bleeds and her eyes swell after spending entire nights crying, muffling her sobs by the bedsheets and pillows. She falls apart every day as if it’s her hobby and plainly, some of the people around her think she wants to be that. Shaken to the core with every day’s dose of pain.

And she is done with that. If Izzie wants to stand by someone who took a part of Meredith with his greedy hands, then let it be. Everyone chooses their own destiny and if that’s what she wants, then Meredith has the same right to erase her from her own house. Them. Erase everyone who hurt her and thought it was their right to do that.

So, she doesn’t really want to stop throwing things out right now, feeling a certain peace of mind. But it’s also Cristina - she doesn’t give up. Ever.

“Yeah, we’re both on call tomorrow so we don’t get to celebrate New Year’s Eve,” Cristina says. “So, sleepover tonight.”

Meredith lingers and presses the phone between her shoulder and ear as she goes back to opening every cabinet to make sure she got everything; of course, she didn’t and she finds Izzie’s pink perfume between her and Alex’s things, “I’m busy.”

“With what?”

“Throwing Izzie’s shit out of the bathroom.”

Cristina silences for a moment and Meredith begins to pace around the bathroom, peeking into every corner to make sure her work is done here. There is still Izzie’s entire bedroom to make her way through and God, that will be a blast to put all of the bags outside the front door along with a little card saying ‘leave your keys’.

“Are you done?” Alex appears in the doorway and Mer doesn’t really know if he means talking on his phone or cleaning their house like crazy.

She shakes her head and he sighs but leaves her alone.

She’s always thought Alex has his heart in the right place, despite the trouble he caused when they first met. He could have been mean and cruel, but his heart? Yeah, maybe she doubted it a couple of times before they befriended each other, but he never made a mistake towards her, never causing her additional pain.

He also proved himself to be extremely loyal this week. When she told him Izzie is out of the house, he didn’t question it, simply bought her the goddamn rubbish bags without a question and stayed out of her way while she circled around the house like possessed.

Meredith doesn’t want to ask how it influences their relationship, that Alex may stay here but his girlfriend cannot.

“Forget about her. Come over,” Cristina’s voice brings her out of her head. “We’ll bitch about life. Besides, Callie ordered pizza.”

“Callie?”

“She lives here,” Yang tells her as if Meredith lived under the rock and didn’t know, which makes her snort while Cristina continues. “Anyways. Pack your things and you’re coming over. Quickly before the food gets here.”

Just like that, she hangs up and Meredith calls for Alex, her voice echoing through the empty house. One person less, yet it feels like a whole damn crowd disappeared.

“Take your phone and throw your girlfriend’s shit out of my house,” She gestures towards two full bags before passing by him. “I’m going out.”

---

The drive doesn’t take long; perhaps packing her own things lasted twice as long because she never really knows how many things she should bring over. At one point, when Cristina let her sleep over during the turbulent times of her and Derek’s relationship (but honestly, when it was not turbulent?) she just borrowed all of the clothes and stopped bringing anything.

As she hums to the radio and stays in a big traffic holdup, slowly silencing, that’s when the whole situation with Izzie hits her. It happens every couple of hours - she is fine, doing just alright and then, it hits her that things have fundamentally changed and there is nothing really to be done on her side. She did what she had to to survive and being thrown into the deep water, she might have gotten too emotional, yet she looks at the things she’s said and surprisingly, doesn’t cringe.

Because she didn’t lie. She didn’t want to make a scene on her own, she wanted to keep going and be gracious. So if someone pushed her to the edge, is it her fault?

It was never your fault, Doctor Wyatt told her that ill-fated day in the hospital.

All she can do is hope it’s true and slowly learn to live in a world where Izzie isn’t her family. George hasn’t felt to be it for a long time, but Izzie?

“Oh, fuck it,” Meredith sniffs and wipes away the tear rolling down her cheek. She keeps her focus on driving the car afterwards, staying away from the dark areas in her mind, just keeping on driving. When she arrives and rides the elevator to the fifth floor, she is ready to make a rant to Cristina and opens the door without knocking just with that intention. “I swear to God, I’m about to-”

But she freezes in the doorway, seeing two pair of eyes landing on her and neither of them belonging to Cristina or Callie.

“Oh,” She stares at Addison and Lexie who are sitting on the couch, the colours of the playing TV directed at them. “People.”

“Hi!” Lexie’s lips curl into a gentle smile and Mer tries to smile back but hates to see how comfortable her half-sister is with her… with Addison. They almost look nestled together, and that's just- Meredith is a walking failure and cannot function properly because of her jealousy. That’s it, exactly.

“Mer, it’s good to see you,” Addison speaks up, with that husky tone of hers.

That’s when Meredith realizes, to her delight.

Everything else disappears when she drops her bag by the door and lets it shut on its own as she crosses the living room to lean in and take a strand of hair between her fingers, grinning like an idiot.

“You went back to red!”

She loved Addison’s brown locks but something so warm awakens in her chest and her cheeks cannot stop hurting from the way she beams. This shade of red, warm yet classy, brings her so many good memories of how their friendship began. The awkward beginnings, Addison catching her hiding from Derek and taking her shopping and cooking for her and caring for her when everyone else thought they could only be adulterous ex-wife and dirty mistress and everything in the world was telling them it isn’t meant to be. And their vacation in Los Angeles… An enormous part of her heart longs for these easier times, before everything got complicated and she lost herself before finding herself once again. It’s been a long ride, by Addison’s side. She knows they are nowhere near ending, nothing is - the sense their story is only halfway through unfolding lives deeply in her ribcage, right where her heart is. She might be irrevocably and undeniably in love with Addie, and that feeling will never be reciprocated, but that won’t stop her from sticking by her side, through everything. Raising a child with her, even that.

“And here I was thinking you liked brunette me,” Addison says, teasing her - she cannot keep her expression serious for too long, eventually breaking into soft chuckles. “I’m back to red. I want my kid to see me redhead. Is that weird?”

“I loved you brunette,” Meredith tells her and lets go of her hair, despite all she wants to do is brush her fingers through it and drown pressing her nose into her scalp. “But Mark calls you Red for a reason.”

“You should have seen Lexie’s shocked face when she saw me after my appointment,” Addison points at the girl who bursts out into laughter, nodding.

“Is it my fault I got here after you had your identity crisis?”

“Don’t be so sassy,” Addison tells her, but they laugh together again.

When did they become so close? Meredith holds herself back from being jealous and rather wants to question why they are here at her and Cristina’s sleepover. She expected Callie, it’s not like they would kick her out of her own home; well, she wouldn’t but her person’s life decisions are sometimes questionable and she would be able to kick someone from their house.

Straightening her back and looking for Cristina, she asks, “Okay, but what is going on here?”

“Sleepover,” Cristina appears with a bunch of blankets and big pillows. “A bigger one.”

“Yeah, I can tell.”

“Hey, Meredith!” Callie calls out from the bathroom, as if realising with delay she arrived. She sounds too nice; not that she thinks Callie can’t be nice, it’s just… the gathering of women just when she is at her lowest and everyone can sense it, either by knowing she is far from being okay or the gossip. Suspicious at its finest.

“This is weird,” She crosses her arms at her chest. “What are you all plotting? Why- What is going on?”

Addison sighs softly and looks up with shining eyes; if Meredith focused a bit harder and believed she could ever be loved, maybe she would understand her eyes shine with love. But all she sees is how perfect Addison is, not that she is viewed just the same way in the redhead’s eyes.

“Meredith, we are not plotting anything. It’s just…”

“You always soften because of her,” Cristina cuts her off and stands by Meredith’s side, accusingly pointing her finger at Addie who raises her hands in surrender. “C’mon, Montgomery.”

“Oh, I am so sorry that I don’t belong in your dark and twisted club,” She stares daggers at Yang, but Cristina doesn’t even bat an eye. “I’m more about communication.”

“Then communicate with me,” Meredith says.

“We just thought it would be nice for you to spend a night with us. So you don’t have to be around Stevens moving out,” Addison speaks gently and slowly, careful to not set any trigger off in Meredith, however, even the delicacy of it all doesn’t manage to calm Mer’s demons, with the skin on her whole body beginning to crawl, screams in her head calling out to her. “Rest a bit. Remove yourself from that environment.”

“I-” Meredith feels her voice cracking, so she clears her throat and turns to Cristina with a widened look in her eyes, feeling the panic upcoming. “Did you tell-” Her eyes fall on Lexie and Callie leaving the bathroom and she cannot breathe suddenly. At the thought of other people knowing. To look at her as if she is damaged.

“No!” Addison reacts first and stands up swiftly; she puts her hands on Meredith’s arms and pulls her towards the kitchen to get them some privacy to continue talking. “Cristina told only me what happened because she didn’t know what to do about it. Lexie and Callie have no idea what happened. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. But they want to just support you, because they know you have a tough time and asked if they could join the night. That’s all.”

The words ring in Meredith’s ears and she hears them, she does, but her chest feels so tight and everything is too loud and real. She grabs onto her shirt and leans her back against the counter, panicked blue eyes searching for the familiar emerald gleam, “I- I can’t breathe.” She feels herself panting, feeling as if she was underwater and couldn’t burst through the surface for fresh air.

“Hey, Mer, hey,” Addison cups her face, her hands covering her cheeks and filling the hole in her heart with affection. “You’re okay. You’re with me. I will never let anyone hurt you like this again, not on my watch,” Her thumb is softly grazing against the skin as she makes Meredith look into her eyes and focus on her words; it makes Mer’s eyes drop onto her mouth and stare at her lips while Addison speaks soothingly. “You’re with me, with us girls. We will keep you safe.”

“Okay,” She nods. “Okay.”

But one treacherous tear drops from her right eye when she blinks and before Addie can wipe it off, she licks it off her top lip.

“Is everything good here?” Cristina’s alarmed face pops from behind the cupboards.

Meredith feels Addison letting go and she turns to her person, “Yeah, yeah, I just need my emotional support gummy bears.”

“Which I bought,” Cristina enters the kitchen and opens one of the drawers, pulling out a pack of Haribo jelly candies.

“You’re golden,” Meredith laughs and takes them from Cristina. They’re not the most affectionate people but when Yang squeezes her hand and smiles, not her usual sarcastic smile but a real one, reserved for either when it’s terrible or when it’s so honest it hurts. “I’m all better now.”

She looks back at Addison and nods, reassuring her she will be okay. And if she won’t be, she will find her way back to her safe arms and hide in them until she’s brave to face the world again. Because Addison makes her courageous in all the places she used to be afraid.

“I love these!” Lexie exclaims looking at Meredith entering the living room with the gummy bears in hand, and Addison and Cristina behind her.

“Really?”

Meredith sits on the couch next to the younger Grey and opens the package, “Yeah.”

“There you go,” After taking three bears, she gives the rest of them to her sister.

“You never share them with me!” Cristina looks at her crookedly.

“Yeah, but this is Lexie,” Mer says, as if that explains everything.

She begins to watch the cooking TV show, ignoring the shock written all over Lexie’s face. She doesn’t even eat the gummy bears at first, almost frozen by the words but when she realises her half-sister might be slowly accepting her as the part of family, she loosens herself up but is deeply moved. She looks down as she chews on the gummy bears, smiling from ear to ear, which Meredith decides to ignore as well. Except for Addison’s proud smile - that she cannot keep her eyes away from and she bites back a smile of her own.

Lexie is not that bad. She might not have given her too many chances, but for what it’s worth, if she found out about what went down with George, she would never follow in Izzie’s steps. She has her heart, a bit too big and impassioned, but in the right place.

Meredith is hesitating, still caught up in her old ways. But eventually, she needs to open her heart up to others - not those who dared to hurt her, but to new people, give them chances. Otherwise, she’ll get stuck in the darkness and if it was only about her, she would be fine with it. But she has a family now, one that cares for her and she needs to continue living, with them.

---

The room gets quiet and darkened with 10 Things I Hate About You in the background. Pizza boxes are thrown carelessly all over the floor, empty glasses on the coffee table and the empty package of Haribo gummy bears are left in this mess of limbs and muted comments.

Addie has dozed off on the couch, laying on her side and her head resting on the cushion Meredith put under her head so her neck wouldn’t protest to work once she awakened. She herself slid to the floor as her back rests against the couch and Lexie followed to leave more room for sleeping Addison, but soon she feels her eyelids grow heavy as well, her head dropping onto her sister’s shoulder. Both of them curl up on the fluffy green carpet but only Meredith is trying to focus on the movie she has seen before several times.

Callie doesn’t even pretend to be interested in the plot as she sits with her legs crossed on the armchair, typing onto her phone and receiving messages that make her laugh - Meredith is betting it’s Mark on the other side. Cristina is laying on the panels, stretched out on her stomach, right by the armchair and eats the pizza leftovers, chewing loudly which annoys Meredith, but the atmosphere is too peaceful to ruin it by pointing it out.

She hasn’t realised how overwhelming was the situation at home until she got a chance to actually loosen up. Here, she is just herself, with her friends.

Well, perhaps for one moment where she lost it hearing Amelia Shepherd asked her half-sister out on a date to some skimpy club and even more, Lexie agreed. Maybe she was being unfair and didn’t have the right to be so overprotective over someone she swore for months that she couldn’t stand and wasn’t her family. But the thought of Lexie, her little sister with a heart of gold being played by Derek’s sister, out of all people, just set that wrong type of fire inside her chest. While Cristina made fun of them being a couple, however, Addison and Callie put all of their support into the idea.

And Meredith made a scene and took the jelly candies back from Lexie and told her she is banned from Haribo forever.

“Okay, I’m getting another drink,” Callie announces to the whole room, not expecting an answer and surely not receiving it.

Meredith realises it’s her chance and she gently moves away from Lexie, telling her to curl up on the couch next to Addison before she stands up and joins Torres in the kitchen.

“Hey,” She lingers in the doorway, watching as Callie pours cranberry juice into the vodka.

The room is lightened by the soft warm led lamps tucked underneath the cupboards and the white furniture in this dimmed lighting brings comfort and easiness.

“Want anything to drink?” Callie opens the fridge and looks around. “Cristina bought alcohol-free cocktails or beers for you.”

“No, no, I’m good.”

But she silences after that, not knowing where is a good place to begin. Usually, it’s the start, but her thoughts are so tangled and crossed there is no way to tell where her start is. So, she stares like a freak at Callie, who does get a bit unsettled by her gaze and chuckles nervously.

“Grey, what’s up?” Her hip leans against the rim of the counter and crosses her arms on her chest.

“I have a question,” Meredith feels herself saying but once the words are out of her mouth, there is no way to stop herself. “Which you don’t have to answer, obviously, because it’s really private but…”

“Hit me,” Callie says. “I won’t be offended or anything.”

They have come a long way, haven’t they? From giving each other dirty looks and having constant drama with Izzie and George between them, to an honest sincere conversation in Callie’s kitchen, surrounded by mutual friends. It’s crazy, the way life can verify who is a true friend, and who is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

“When you were with George,” Callie visibly holds back a wince at the mentioned name. “Has he- Did he ever force himself on you?”

“Oh,” Callie’s eyes grow bigger.

“You don’t have to answer. Sorry to be-”

“It’s okay, Grey,” The surprise turns into a rather miserable expression as she drops her hands from her chest and sighs. “There was a situation but I stopped him and kicked him out of the bed. Right before we split. So, yeah, he tried.”

“Okay.”

Meredith feels a wave of disgust so high that she feels everything in her stomach starting to make its way back to her throat. She wasn’t an exception, she wasn’t the only one. Not like she ever stopped him, too fucked up to even control her own actions, even more someone else’s, but he tried. And who knows if there were other women.

Callie tilts her head and actually sees right through her, “Did something happen to you?”

“Yeah,” It’s a mere whisper.

“Oh, God, I am so sorry,” She crosses the distance between them and places her hand on Mer’s shoulder, so much empathy emanating from her that it hits Meredith.

“It was a long time ago,” She tells her, deciding this is her story to tell and she has no responsibility to keep it a secret for his sake. “I was drunk and he did that to me in my own house. My own bedroom. My bed.”

“Meredith,” Callie’s breathing gets ragged.

“I’m sorry to be talking about your ex-husband to you.”

“No, it needs to be talked about,” The consoling tone turns into a forceful and firm one, fueled by anger. “He can’t get away with that.”

That scares Meredith off, right away. To even think about dealing with it, begging strangers to not let her be a victim of the system like all the women before her. She shifts back, naturally by instinct, not even realising she is pulling away before Callie’s hand disappears from her arm, “I don’t want to report him, I have no proof. It’s he-said, she-said.”

“I’m not talking about police,” Callie says. “I’m talking about the Chief.”

“Webber?”

The thought hasn’t crossed Meredith’s mind.

“Yes,” Callie nods. “We can get him kicked out of Seattle Grace. We can make it happen.”

“I don’t know…” Meredith gets a migraine only by thinking to talk to Richard out of all people about what happened and what she wants. He is not her parent, but he will get into a blind rage when he hears something happened to her and how everyone found out about that story. The last thing she wants is to make a show out of her life, like when the hospital found out Derek had a wife and she was sleeping with him all the time.

“I’m not suggesting this because I’m bitter over my broken marriage. I got over it. I’m doing this because you deserve to have a workplace where you feel safe and don’t have to see him every day.”

No matter how intensely she fights with herself, she feels tears dancing in her eyes, so she closes her eyes and takes a shaky, soothing breath. But no words come out and once she looks at Torres again, she only shakes her head, clearly signalising it’s enough for one day.

Callie understands and puts her hand around her shoulders, leading her back to the living room.

Addison is awake by now and sits up, seeing Meredith slowly caving in and crumbling pieces of her barely being held together. Mer, who settles on the carpet in her previous seat cannot keep the tears at bay anymore and embraces her knees, pressed to her chest.

“Is everything okay?” Lexie asks, slowly shifting from the couch to the floor.

“I am just very tired,” Meredith speaks quietly, almost murmuring. “Of feeling broken.”

She expects empty reassurances which she knows would flow from the goodness of their hearts and pure worry, soothing words that won’t be changing anything. What she doesn’t expect is the sudden feeling of Addison sleeping behind her, then Lexie pressing her cheek against her cheek. Along with Cristina’s shifting on the floor to sit up and put her hands around her, in a warm embrace. Callie’s hands holding her hands in her lap.

Instead of pushing her to talk about things that hurt, that make her bleed each time she opens up during therapy, they hide her in this tangled mess of arms and hold her as if their embrace can keep her from falling apart.

It works.

It truly does, because she gets so warm and her hands aren’t freezing as they have been since the attempt on her life. She is fuzzy and safe in this cocoon and no one is speaking as the closing credits roll down with I Want You to Want Me as the ending song.

“Thank you,” She says softly.

“You’ll be okay,” Lexie tells her and Meredith glances down where her sister embraces her and notices the barely yellow remains of bruises on her wrists. Almost invisible marks which go way deep than the skin. “Focus on your healing and all of us will keep the danger and the hurt away.”

“We can deal with everything,” Callie says, clearly linking to the conversation they had in the kitchen. “Just do what Lexie said.”

“Hard to admit but Three is right,” Cristina adds.

Addison doesn’t have to say a single word. Whatever she wishes to tell her, Meredith already knows in her heart. All of it.

So, they just hold her for as long as she needs.

---

Later that night, as everyone got sleepy, they part for two bedrooms and Meredith tries not to show her dissatisfaction watching Addison disappear into Callie’s room with the owner of it. But the fear of someone even getting the mere idea in their head she might be feeling for Addison more than a friend should keep her intact and she agrees to be in the middle, between Cristina and Lexie.

Sleep doesn’t come, though.

Laying on her back, she stares at the ceiling in the dark as her companies are dead to the world, sleeping so deeply she would have to shake them for either of them to even stir. She knows what she is missing and usually, at home, she cannot do anything about it, but the thought of Addison being just behind the wall plays with her heart wickedly.

Sneakily, she slides out of bed and tiptoes her way to Callie’s bedroom, pushing through the door left ajar.

Callie is sleeping at the very edge of the bed, turned with her back to Addison. That creates a perfect opportunity for Meredith to just slip behind Addison, so she does.

“Mer?”

Addison’s voice is hoarse and deep when she feels a body crawling behind her and slithering under the thick bedsheets.

“I can’t sleep without you anymore,” Meredith whispers as her arm finds its way around Addison’s waist, her hand resting on the softly-round stomach.

I can’t live without you anymore.

“Me neither,” Addison murmurs and pushes her back against Mer’s front, needing to feel their legs touch. To feel every part of them touch. “But I’m here now.’

The only thought that circulates in Grey’s mind as she falls asleep - quickly and swiftly keeling over into sleep - is that there will be a free bedroom in her house soon. But before she can voice that, suggest how badly she wants Addison to move in with her, she lands in her dreams, lips parted before the wish.

Notes:

every feedback makes me go batshit insane like a golden retriever seeing another dog on a walk lol
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=d0d20f465d794647

hope you have a nice week<3

Chapter 47: heartbreak is our national anthem

Notes:

hi everyone!!

as always i'm eternally thankful for every single comment and kudos<3 thank you for the support, i really appreciate it!!

in this one we focus on addison's three closest friends - i just thought some bonding moments would be nice and it's such a comfort chapter for me. i hope you feel the same about it:)

also a little belated, but i hope you had an amazing easter for those who celebrate!

enjoy this one:)

2009 comes into reality with a loud heavy stomp of its boot.

Meredith is back to her work routine, perfectly a month since she was discharged from the psych ward and feels herself slowly finding the old strength - the one she fiercely wielded in her hands before Ellis Grey landed in Seattle Grace for the last time ever to be seen alive. There is guilty that comes with finding peace in someone’s death, one that lingers always behind your back, but Meredith is still here, is still alive and kicking and she won’t be giving into regrets.

Even more, she has continuous flashbacks that strike her ever since she officially went back to speaking terms with Derek; not like they are friends, that would be just an overstatement. But they talk and she is sometimes on his service just like today as he pages her to prepare for surgery in a couple of hours.

The man got pulled out of a working garbage truck, impaled on himself. His femur is in pieces, except for the part stuck in his torso, but C-spine is clear. The right femur, hip and half of the pelvis are toast, to put it frankly.

“Did Hahn really leave the hospital?” Meredith asks, as she bursts into the room where Callie is busy building legs for their patient. “Cristina is looking for her and I- I thought you would know.”

The hospital has been blasting with gossip ever since someone present at the Christmas dinner spilt the drama. Erica Hahn has disappeared from the face of Earth, however, Meredith thought she would come around after the new year would begin, yet she hasn’t noticed her face appear among her colleagues. She wouldn’t really come here to bug Callie, yet Cristina kept being so annoying while not daring to ask around, that Meredith just had to find out what was going on.

The moment she asks, she jumps, startled by Mark rolling on the swivel chair from behind the door, looking at her, not quite happy about the questioning. Torres only hums, though, appearing far from content with her life at the moment. Focused on the bones in front of her, she doesn’t offer many words.

“Did they fire or…?” Meredith plays with the handle, lingering in the doorway.

Richard could be firing people because of disrespect to him - shouldn’t, but Webber could be dramatic if needed.

“She is not coming back,” Callie says darkly.

Meredith lets the door close behind her, “Are you sure?”

Finally, Callie looks at her, “I am pretty sure given she blocked my number and vanished from her apartment.”

“Oh, wow…” She looks up and down, deciding how much empathy as well as sympathy Callie will tolerate, without making it look like pity. But she looks so miserable, that Meredith cannot just go over that into a normal conversation without saying more. “If you were really serious about her, that really sucks.”

She’s been there and done that, yet none of her heartbreaks seems large or meaningful to the vision that’s been haunting her for quite many sleepless nights. Because that one thought - how badly it would hurt if Addison broke her heart - wins over every pain she’s been through. It gives her to think a bit, that perhaps it’s quite reasonable for this to stay one-sided and never to be reciprocated. Simply because if Addison ever did love her back and then walked away, no matter what the reason because there surely be one given how damaged Meredith is, she is not sure she would survive that.

In respect for Addison, she would never blame herself, she wouldn’t try anything reckless, playing with her life. But, what kind of life that would be, to have kissed Addison Montgomery good morning and goodbye, to have made love to her in messy sheets or on a carpet in front of a fireplace, to hold her hand through the birth of their child, just to later learn to live without all of it again? No sort of lifetime worth living.

If that’s who Erica Hahn was to Callie, then Meredith feels for her with everything in her heart.

“We hadn’t enough time to figure it all out,” Torres says, sighing with exhaustion.

The kind of being tired inside your mind and not within the walls of your body is such a curse. Unescapable.

“Figuring out your sexuality can be messy, so I get you,” Words are out of her mouth before she can even comprehend what will be the consequences of them. “It’s difficult and it takes some time, so don’t rush yourself.”

Instead of the panic she’s been used to the feeling, there is pure giddiness in her shy smile when Mark and Callie raise their heads at the same time to look at her. Widened eyes and amazement in Sloan’s case, surprise in Torres’.

It takes time to understand not everyone will throw slurs at her and try to out her in revenge once she comes out. The fear doesn’t disappear wholly, but in this room with two of her friends - well, more like Addie’s friends - she feels entirely safe to present herself with who she is in every inch of her body.

“Big Grey, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Mark asks.

Meredith smiles at him, exhaling loudly, “Yeah. It took a long time but I know who I am.”

Not exactly proud, no, Mer cannot find true pride and she won’t lie to herself she can. But the fact she is able to talk about it without tears in her eyes or shaking hands, that’s progress; every smallest fragment of it, she is going to cherish. It’s hard to tell how so much has changed throughout a little bit more than one month, as before it has taken her long murderous years just for everything to blow out.

To think in November she attempted…

Seems like light years parting these two points of her life.

“So you’re gay now?” Callie asks loudly. She is rather seeking guidance than being mean, her hands working over creating the bones as she tries not to stare.

“A lesbian, yes.”

Relief floods her lungs and she breathes in as if a fresh breeze has hit her in her face.

Callie doesn’t bat an eye at her - she is more focused on her inner turmoil than the coming out (shouldn’t it always be so easy to come out?), “I’m not sure I’m a lesbian. I don’t know.”

“Maybe you’re an oncebian,” Mark suggests thoughtfully, rolling around on the chair.

“I’d call it a twicebian, then, but anyways,” She sighs heavily, memories of Hahn flashing through her brain and heart. “It doesn’t matter now.”

Just as a perfect cue to end this conversation because it leads down to the more depressing side of the situation, Meredith’s pager goes off and she turns it off, looking where she is supposed to go.

“Gotta go. Page me when the bones are ready and we’re ‘bout to go into the OR.”

“Sure.”

Meredith opens the door and rushes down the corridor, leaving Callie to sulk in Mark’s presence. But Mark is far from letting the heartbreak win over the atmosphere because once he looks through the roller blinds to make sure Grey is far enough for him to get loud. Springing to his feet, he jumps from the chair and hovers over Callie, who is toughly ignoring him; probably stuck in her own mind.

“Torres!” His resonant call makes her look up, unimpressed. “Meredith Grey is a lesbian.”

“Yeah, no shit Sherlock,” She grumbles.

“No, you don’t understand,” Mark shakes her shoulders, which partially helps to awaken from the hazy state of focus on building the bones and thinking about her ex-girl-something. “Grey is gay. Addie is gay. Everyone is gay!”

In his mind, he feels like this is his own secret coming out - not that it’s a big deal he likes men, but that could lead to further questions and those would bring out Derek. Who, even after the Christmas party, is still on thin ice and Mark is most certainly not trying to get on the dark side of all of his friends just because he is a fool pining after Shepherd.

“Oh,” Callie blinks but then her eyes open widely in understanding. “Oh. So we were right from the beginning.”

“Yes!”

“Give them two more months,” She decides. “If they’re still useless and oblivious, start plotting. But give them time.”

“They’re already useless,” Mark points out and flops on his previous seat.

The idea of waiting even more, after being a witness of lesbian pining, even worse than his own gay one, since October isn’t as colourful as he would like it to be. He should just talk Addison and her pregnancy hormones into jumping Meredith on the first better occasion she would have - that’s how he does when he likes someone. Is it working at a long shot?

Well, he won’t answer that.

---

“Call it.”

The silence inside of the OR is ringing and the split of a second before someone else answers is freezing.

“Time of death: 18:17.”

It’s always this way, no matter how many a surgeon witnesses the moment of death. Where two worlds cross the lines between each other and the surrealness of the scene echoes in the walls of the room. Howling voices suddenly quietened by the white presence of Grim Reaper standing between the doctors and nurses, taking the soul away and leaving the body for them to deal with.

In a flash, he disappears with the heartbeat and working lungs, stops the blood flow and walks away.

“I built his bones,” Callie speaks up.

Derek standing across her with his hands in front of his chest, still in bloodied plastic gloves, looks at her with understanding, “You tried. We all tried.”

“No, I didn’t try, I did it,” Callie might be speaking to him, but she is addressing everyone in the room - it can be felt in how the atmosphere changes as she continues with words running from her mouth. “I did my part, I built his bones from scratch and you, all of you,” Her wild gaze paces around everyone and marked with growing anger voice quivers. “You were supposed to keep him alive. That is all you people had to do. You just had to… keep his body breathing,” Her voice cracks and tears spring from her eyes, as she begins to weep. “You just had to keep him safe and breathing and living until I made his bones. I made…” Her words blur together, just like her sight. “I made his bones.”

Everyone stares, half in disbelief and half in surprise. No one moves and Meredith knows she is the only one that can step in now, to stop before the vultures of this hospital make a story and gossip out of this. Callie deserves better, and being in pain shouldn’t be a scene for everyone to watch - Mer has been there and knows it too deeply.

“Why don’t you guys go ahead and I’ll help Doctor Torres clean up?” Her voice is polite. but willing to change if they don’t listen to her.

The rest of the people seem to be just caught off guard to even listen to her gentle suggestion.

“We’ve got it,” Mark speaks up, shaking off the confusion. “Go.”

Several of the surgeons begin to unravel and head out of the OR, but when Meredith notices Derek and some of the nurses lingering, she loses her patience, “Call the morgue. Leave!”

Her voice is the final step that takes for everyone to leave, leaving just the three of them above the dead body. As they hear people scrubbing out, that’s when Callie’s sobs chime in the four walls and Mark embraces her, pulling her into his strong body. She hides her face in his chest and cries for all of the pain she’s been holding inside ever since Erica Hahn walked out of Meredith Grey’s house and disappeared forever from their lives. Her life. The life they’ve been building together in two, just learning how to be with each other, how to explore the feeling that’s blossomed between them.

Mark shushes her and holds her tightly, letting her just feel. Not escape through dark comments or sardonic jokes. But to be authentic self and accept the loss of something that hasn’t even come to fruition.

Meredith feels for her colleague but lets the two of them go through it, while she begins to clean up the space.

---

In obvious consequence, the three of them end up in Emerald City, after all the tears dry from Callie’s face and instead, she fills up the deficit of water in her body with alcohol. Mer and Mark buy her all the drinks she wants, creating a safe space where she can rant about Erica Hahn openly, every single thought she held back until tonight.

“I hate how hard it is. It’s just like… you get attached to someone, and they work their way into your life, and then you wake up one day-” Callie rests her cheek against her hand curled into a tight fist, her elbow on the table; her gaze is looking somewhere in the space, not focused on anything in particular. “Suddenly, all you can think about is their-”

She cuts herself off and the sound escaping her throat is something between a sigh and a groan.

“First sapphic heartbreak is hell,” Meredith says.

There is regret flooding her body as her fingers itch her to just take one of the drinks and down it in two gulps. But then, she thinks about the medication she has taken right after they cleaned up the OR and the risk seems too big.

“You had one already?” Callie turns her head to look at her.

Mark suddenly sits up straighter, eyes alarmed, but Meredith doesn’t even notice it.

“A couple of years but before my mother got sick. I was backpacking through Europe with my ex-best friend and I fell in love with her…” Meredith remembers those times all too well, even if the two of them were too high or drunk to later recall the details. She might have liked one girl earlier, still in high school, but it was Sadie that captured her heart. Death and Die. “But she cared about having fun more, and sleeping with me wasn’t enough for her.”

“That’s so shitty,” Mark exhales with relief to realise no drama with Addison has happened and the dramatic lesbian heartbreak isn’t linked to her. “You know who would never break yo-”

“Shut up,” Callie hits him with her elbow before his idiocy slips and makes havoc. She turns again to Mer, deciding Sloan is not worth the focus. “And how did you deal with that?”

“After catching and seeing her sleep with someone else for the seventh time, I packed my bags and flew back home,” Meredith remembers the tears that eventually lulled her to sleep during the flight, but every mile that she put between her and Sadie somehow healed her heart. Escapism might not be the most clever type of coping mechanism but as long as it helps, no one else matters. “I cut her off. Not the nicest of moves but my heart was broken. And I didn’t quite accept myself for who I was back then.”

“Will it pass? The pain.”

“It will. Everything does in the end.”

Unless you care for it, tend to the feelings and the relationship. If you remember to cherish and embrace good and bad moments of love, it never disappears.

Once you let go of something, it truly passes. Sometimes it takes hours, sometimes decades. Nothing stays the same at a long shot, whether you abandon it or decide to stay by its side forever.

Mark watches the women talking and decides he needs more alcohol if he is supposed to stay here half of the night sulking, “I’ll get a new round.”

And without waiting, he stands up from their table and heads towards the counter where Joe is talking with clients sitting on the stools.

Callie wipes off one tear that ran down her cheek and clears her throat, “I’ll be back in a moment.” She points towards the restroom door and Meredith nods, leaning back on the chair.

Her thoughts wander around Sadie, wondering what she is doing now. She used to remember about her every couple of months and a pang of pain would hit her hear, yet tonight she feels different and then she realises why - Addison. No heartbreaks, no old unhappy love stories count anymore because instead of sorrows, her heart is filled with Addie’s caramel laughter, her earthly perfume and her vanilla conditioner. There is Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery tattooed on her heart and it pumps blood with every beat her heart does for the woman.

Why would Sadie ever mean something if she met her true soulmate? It doesn’t matter it doesn’t go both ways; the only thing that means something is to have Addison by her side through the rest of her life. Watch her bring a new life into the world, probably as perfect as their mother.

The simple thought about Addison and a smile creeps on her lips.

In a good mood, she watches Mark manoeuvre his way back to their table and place two red drinks on the surface.

“And did you have your own sapphic heartbreak?” She is clearly teasing him and he flashes her his famous grin.

“Not really sapphic but…”

“I’m back!”

Callie looks like a brand new person, freshly taken out of the washing machine. There is a slightly deranged smile on her face, but her eyes are dry and she carries the restless energy with her, surrounding her two friends with it. Fidgeting with her fingers, she stands above the table for three seconds too long to appear to be normal and when she drops on her chair, she still cannot stop smiling.

“Torres, what the hell is this energy?” Mark frowns, staring at his best friend.

“What? What energy?” Callie laughs nervously and brushes her hair behind her ear. “There is no energy. Nothing. You’re delusional.”

“Okay, you walking depression,” Mark shakes his head.

Meredith listens to their bickering for the next five minutes but her eyes are watching all the clients coming into the bar, not feeling like joining into the conversation. There is some blonde who catches her eyes, walking out of the bathroom. Her hair is curled and she smiles brightly at Joe before waving her hand at him and walking out of the bar.

Her focus goes back to Callie and Mark, and she cannot help herself but laugh at the ridiculous things they are able to bring into the conversation.

She is thinking she understands why these two are Addison’s closest friends

Notes:

every feedback and support makes me go batshit crazy dancing in the mirror and singing in the shower lol
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=b4be3f94cb2444cd

Chapter 48: i can walk you home and practice method acting

Notes:

hi guys!!!

thank you for your constant support, i can't believe how many people are reading this story, it's always such a pleasant surprise to receive an email with a new comment and kudos<3

in this one... OH BOY. THERE IS SO MUCH HAPPENING. this is the first time i wrote a chapter in this form, so to clear up - the scenes written in cursive are flashbacks to a couple days prior to the scenes written normally. i thought this would be an interesting concept to try out and it turned out to be the longest chapter in this story, but i love how dynamic chapter 48 is, hope you'll like it as well.

TW for mentions of sexual assault and... the tiniest bit of smut.

watch out;)

enjoy reading<3

“What the hell is going on?” Richard is sitting behind his desk, with arms crossed on his chest.

His stare jumps from Alex to Addison, both standing behind Meredith who has taken a seat across the desk. When it lands on the blonde, she is not meeting his gaze.

“Justice,” Alex decides to respond first.

Of course, he chose the wrong answer, inflaming the anger inside the Chief and Addison sighs loudly because this is not how they want this to play out. You cannot be blunt and straightforward to Webber. It ends up the wrong way every damn time.

“You call beating the hell out of my intern and then everyone failing to tell me about it until I notice the bruises on his face myself justice?”

Well, when it’s put that way…

Alex shrugs, unbothered, “Yeah.”

“This is unacceptable,” He stands up abruptly. “In my own hospital.”

---

The dark visions and feeling of hopelessness embrace her so tightly she loses the ability to breathe. Her lungs are filling with tar and she is coughing, grabbing her throat, as her nails leave red claw marks on the skin as the biting pain burns her whole face. She feels hands grabbing at her waist and she tries to open her mouth to stop that, yet not a single word leaves her mouth - she feels as if someone took her voice away and she barely lingers on the side of consciousness.

Within a second the twilight turns into bright light and she can breathe again.

Her eyes fall open and she blinks, panting as if she has just run a marathon. Her head is tilted and leaning against Addison’s shoulder - she must have fallen asleep throughout the flight and she straightens up; her chest is still heaving, taking as much air as she can find.

“Hey, easy,” Addison’s hand cups her cheek and turns her face gently to look into the panicked, still clouded from sleep, eyes. “It’s just a dream. You’re with me. Stay with me.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep last night,” Meredith says with a hoarse voice and takes the water bottle to take a sip.

“Nightmares again?”

“Yeah, they don’t stop when I sleep alone,” Meredith groans at the very thought of her sleep quality for the past few days. “One night I accidentally woke up Alex with my cries. When he stayed in my bed watching over me, they were gone.”

Addison is thankful for what a wonderful friend Karev has been to Meredith when he became the only roommate she got and it’s good to hear he helps her out to feel better. But she is indubitably not glad that he sleeps with her in the same bed; some part of her, clingy and territorial, believes the only bed Meredith should share is with her. Everything would be just so much easier if they lived together - they already spend so much time together, what else is here to lose? But she might be just irrational because of her stupid feelings that make her long for Meredith’s hand in hers seven days a week, 24 hours a day.

“You know you can come over any time,” Addison offers, meaning every single word. “You’ll go to sleep and I’ll be by your side, reading something or doing charts.”

“Honestly, I’ve been thinking-”

Before Meredith can continue her train of thought, the whole aeroplane begins to shake, turbulence making both of them yelp and reach out for each other’s familiarity of handhold. Fingers intertwining, they try to stay calm; Addison puts her free hand on her stomach. There is a clearly visible bump now and with an eighteen-week milestone, she’s begun talking to her baby and she wishes to do so now to calm them down - questionable if they even feel the turbulence. But she only massages her belly with her hand until everything calms down, feeling Mer’s gaze on her stomach.

The abrupt, outburst of shaking ceases and they fly back into the safe zone. But by then, neither of them remembers what they were talking about before.

---

Addison steps closer to the desk, her voice appearing to be the only calm within the storm that’s beginning to arise in the four walls of the office.

“Chief, please calm down,” Addison manages to cool down and stop from bursting at Alex. “You’ll be mad again soon enough for a reasonable thing, not Karev doing what you would do yourself.”

“You are not calming me down with that, Addie,” He says, eyebrows furrowed together and creating creases on his forehead. Then, he looks at Karev and then at Meredith, who squirms uncomfortably on the chair under his heavy gaze. Only that moment, Richard questions inside of him why Grey is here and how is she mixed up in this matter.

“It’s because of me, sir,” Meredith says quietly.

When she raises her gaze, it’s not guilty, but not entirely innocent either. Half of her body suddenly itches, in all the places he touched her, which weren’t numbed by the state of her mind and alcohol flowing through her veins. To share that part of her with the last person who treats her like his kid… she fears nothing will be the same.

No one ever taught Meredith that you’re supposed to lean on your parents, that they should carry the weight of bad things that happened to her and help her out. The discomfort of letting Richard deal with that nightmarish evening, it’s almost as bad as the memory of it.

“And she has a good damn reason for me to beat O’Malley up.” Alex cuts in, glaring at Chief.

“Then explain please,” Richard ignores the dark look and instead, focuses on Meredith who is barely keeping the eye-contact without wavering. “Because I think there are no good reasons to get violent with my employees, especially when you’re their colleague.”

Karev snorts and shuts up only because Addison raises her hand and puts it gently on his arm, grounding him.

Meredith opens her mouth but stutters trying to say it out loud, “I- It’s happened… I…”

Hopeless, she looks up at Addison behind her. Her eyes are big with a plea to have some mercy on her and from someone else to say what the three of them know.

“Meredith was sexually assaulted by George O’Malley,” Of course, she helps Meredith out and physically hears the way silence rings around them.

---

The red Porsche awaiting in the parking feels like coming home after many tough months, of fight and exhaustion. Meredith feels a grin stretching out on her lips, so sincere and raw that she is surprised by the joy suddenly expanding in her soul, watching Addison get behind the wheel and throw her hair on her back. Red curls move like a waterfall with each movement she makes and Mer finds herself so fascinated by them, that she tangles her hand into them gently.

It startles Addison who turns her head, only to be eased down by the wide smile and wide, shiny eyes staring at her. That makes her smile as well as she turns on the engine to drive out of the airport parking and into the highway.

“I’ve missed this,” Meredith sighs with content.

Her hand is still brushing through the fiery red strands, curling them around her fingers and she closes her eyes, tilting her head upwards. She breathes in the air and feels wind around them, and just like that she’s gone back in time.

“What in particular?”

If she only keeps her eyes shut…

“The warmth,” She says, despite it’s gotten colder than it was in September. “The wind in the hair. The music and speeding down the lane. And us.” At that, she opens her eyes and looks at Addison’s flawless profile. “Who we used to be when we came here for the first time.”

“It feels like a lifetime ago,” Addison says softly, blinking any tears that might want to escape her eyes.

“Oh, doesn’t it?”

They look at each other and chuckle.

“I missed those us, too.”

“Seattle just brings so much misery, so many bad memories,” Meredith changes the radio station to some Fergie song. “Honestly, we should just move here. Live by the beach, by the ocean… or not by water.”

“Running away would be so easy,” Addison muses, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel “Yet each time someone proposed me leaving Seattle behind, I could never do it.”

The very idea kicks oxygen out of Meredith’s lungs, pushing physical pain into her ribcage. If Addison ever left - and she deserves to leave, the sane part of her tells her - given how damaging city Seattle is - how would she go on? She still had Cristina in Seattle Grace, but… Addison deserved to leave if she wanted to, but it would take practising method acting for Meredith to say she wouldn’t mind her leaving, while looking her in the eyes. It hurts, to even think to be left alone.

But she knows better, that Addison is not leaving. Perhaps in a parallel universe, Addison lives in Los Angeles and has her kid and perhaps a partner and she is part of the private practice belonging to Naomi and Sam. An entirely different life, free of memories of her old life.

She wonders what’s her role in parallel Addie’s life.

If she even has one.

“There might be misery in Seattle,” The silky voice brings her out of her thoughts. “But there is so much love, too. And I think I should start looking for a house. My own.”

“You want to move?” Meredith asks, surprised.

“It’s time, isn’t it? I’m almost halfway through pregnancy and I need to prepare myself in a space bigger than one bedroom and Lexie crashing on the couch,” Both of them smile at the mention of the younger Grey, but Meredith instantly covers it up while Addison clearly has a lot of fun pretending she believes into Mer’s antics. “I need a room for myself and for the baby bee. And for Lexie.”

“Lexie?”

Meredith knows the two are close, but it still startles her.

“I am not leaving her behind,” Addison turns to her before looking again at the road and taking a swift turn left, from the highway onto the streets of Malibu. “She can’t afford paying the rent on her own and I’m afraid she would go back to Thatcher.”

At the mention of her father, pure anger lights up inside of Meredith’s heart. She used to be indifferent about him, then bitter, but true fury lighted up once she found out what he did to her half-sister. There are some lines no one can ever cross and he walked through each one of them, careless with his drinking and a heavy hand. So, of course, she votes for Lexie to be taken along with the moving.

However, that complicates the proposition she had for Addison in mind. But everything can be done, right?

Alex could help her clean up the attic and make it a cosy space for Lexie, while Addison would take up Izzie’s empty room. They could make it happen and work, even restore that one room at the end of the hallway upstairs that’s been unfit to use for the nursery. Her house is big and it even demands to be lived by a family and they are all her family, so Meredith can make it work.

The hardest part is putting herself out there and proposing that.

“I guess you’re right,” She hums, careful not to alarm Addison by her sudden silence.

There are so many doubts, though.

---

“She was what?”

Everything inside Meredith is screaming to run. To hide and give up the fight and never speak about anything that has ever happened to her; she wouldn’t be the only one in the oceans of women who were never motivated enough to try - it is not about courage or bravery here - it’s about the peace of mind. Selling one trauma just to go through a million reminders of it, every day, over and over again, in the name of finally winning in the name of law.

They don’t have to talk about it, one part of Meredith shouts in her mind, she can just practice until she is fine enough to look at George again without shuddering.

They don’t have to. But she owes it to herself. To the healing. To not ducking her head and hiding behind a wall.

One quick glance at Addison whose mouth is open to continue, and she decides to outun her.

“He r- assaulted me,” Grey finds her voice, and to her surprise, it is not quivering the way she expected it to. “Around eight months ago. And Alex beat him up because he found out what happened.”

“Are you…” Richard’s eyes are burning holes in her face; not from aggression but there is a certain sense of brokenness and disbelief in his stare. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Yes, I am.”

Not the kind of disbelief that is the biggest nightmare when a person speaks up about what happened to them. That kind of disbelief where Webber doesn’t want it to be true. Where he is just a line from closing his eyes and cutting the reality off, the brutality of the truth.

“Jesus Christ,” He sounds almost choked up, as he sits up straighter in the chair, hands grabbing the armrests. “I should call the police now.”

“No!” Meredith feels the ground slipping from beneath her feet. “No, please don’t. Don’t make it bigger than it already is!”

Because there would be no going back from that.

Addison puts her hand on Mer’s shoulder, in the quiet understanding of someone who can read your mind. They did come to the Chief’s office for a reason for a reason, but notifying the police wouldn’t make a difference now - there are no witnesses, no evidence, just two coworkers, who used to be friends. If George would confess… maybe then, yes. But does any of them have a one-hundred percent sureness he could do that?

The nice guy. Friendly. Bad at flirting, often a joke to his friends. If one looked at the scene from the side, no one would accuse George O’Malley of sexual abuse. Even if his ex-wife spoke up for the sake of Meredith. Even if…

No.

That would be such a mess. And Meredith is here for two solemn reasons: first, to stop Alex from getting suspended and fired; second, because Addison talked to her for three hours straight to make her realise they might find a way out of this sick situation.

“But I need to do something,” Richard says.

“Call him in and fire him,” Alex says, dropping onto the chair next to Meredith. “Simple as that.”

Richard rubs his beard with his two fingers, sinking into deeper thoughts, “I wish I could do that but…”

“It’s not as easy as that,” Addison’s voice is quiet, but not overpowered. Instead, it echoes her plotting how to dig out of this situation without overthrowing anyone else besides O’Malley.

This once, Meredith is grateful for not having to be the one to save herself.

---

“Welcome back.”

After a ride in the talking elevator, Addison and Meredith arrive once again in the familiar halls of Oceanside Wellness Group. Naomi is waiting for them by the front desk, chatting with the surfer working part-time.

Greeting both of them with tight hugs, Naomi does a poor job covering her side-eyeing towards Meredith while she explains, “Doctor Danvers is running late a bit but she should make it in 20 minutes tops.”

This way, Addison and Meredith end up sitting on one of the couches in the waiting room. Grey busies herself with reading mindlessly Vogue and hanging her eyes over the women presented within the pages while Addie fiddles with the hem of her dress, hoping to be already in the examination room and finding out everything about baby bee.

“Oh, hi guys!” Both of them lift their heads in sync when Violet’s voice resounds in the space. The woman is smiling, a bit surprised when her gaze falls onto the softly-rounded stomach, which can be visible because of the tighter fabric. “Here again.”

Mer waves to her with a secluded smile, but her eyes widen when Addison springs to her feet and heads towards the curly-haired shrink.

“Hi, Violet,” Addison smiles when she reaches Violet and tilts her head, clearly trying to buy her way out into something. “Do you mind having a quick session before I go for my USG?” She lowers her voice enough for her companion behind not to catch any of the words.

“Actually I was-” Turner begins her attempt at dodging it, but then she remembers how quite interesting their previous session turned out to be. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. Come on in.”

This way, Addison turns to Meredith, showing her five of her fingers - to give her five minutes - and then follows Violet into her office. It’s been some time since her last visit, yet she is just as nervous as the last time. For different reasons, probably. No, not really. It’s the same reason as the last time, but earlier it would buried underneath the sexuality crisis - now it’s in the clear who is causing the crisis, who has been behind it all these months.

Violet puts a glass of water on the table in front of her. After finding the single page written down for Addison Montgomery, she circles the room to take her seat across from the redhead and settles documents and a pen on her lap, quite curious to see what is the reason for today’s tiny session.

“So, what’s up?” She looks at the sheet of paper and notes from the last time. “Anything new happened? Except for the baby - congratulations, by the way.”

“Thank you,” Addie cracks a proud smile, her hand safely settled on her belly. “Well, I think I’ve come to terms with my sexuality. It wasn’t really hard in the way, not after your counsel, but…”

“Hm?”

“IaminlovewithMeredithGrey.”

“Pardon?” Violet blinks a couple of times, wondering if she just misheard.

Addison looks a bit pained on her face, a bit white, too - as if the idea of slowing down her confession just makes her feel ill.

A deep breath and… “I am in love with Meredith Grey.”

Trying to hide her winning smile, Violet takes the open and circles the last note she left on the document and scribbles ‘eureka’ underneath. Yeah, she might be biased a bit, but don’t blame her. Having a patient give up information with such ease does make her work easier and more fun. Sometimes.

“Okay,” She nods, keeping her voice steady. “How did you come to this conclusion?”

“Honestly, it wasn’t that shocking discovery,” Addison doesn’t have to be asked twice. “I just talked with my old friend, about love and soulmates and fate and every other silly thing you can think of. And it just moved into place, those unknown feelings, into my heart, that she is it for me.”

“What does it mean exactly?”

“The one,” Addison smiles softly. “The only one for me. There were signs of it before, I guess. Like she is… I can’t sleep without her in my arms. When I don’t see her for a long time, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t… breathe.”

“It does sound like falling in love,” Violet says. “She means a lot to you.”

“She means the world to me,” It takes several seconds for Addie to swim upfloat from her waterfalls of feelings and to realise how unfazed the shrink appears. “Hey, you don’t look surprised. Did you know?”

Violet pats herself on the back for keeping her facial expression controlled even when she wants to throw her fist up in the air in a winning manner. She just likes to be right, alright? The feeling when her knowledge and abilities to read through people triumph is like liquid gold. But she cannot let that show during the session, so she exhales quietly.

“I did have my suspicions,” She decides to let her know.

“Even in October?”

“Especially then.”

“Really?”

Addison’s eyebrows raise almost up to her hairline, while she is trying to reminiscence what she has said the last time that might have spilled out the secrets she had no awareness of back then. And oh. Yeah, she might have been quite easy to read with all the Meredith talk back then.

Perhaps it’s a good thing Violet hasn’t said a thing back then - maybe that version of Addison wasn’t simply ready to hear that, and instead of peace, she would lose her goddamn mind. She needed her time and needed her sister, Amelia, to finally reach that part of herself. She finds it okay, even when it takes a lot of time.

“Yeah,” Violet nods again.

“But really?”

That makes Turner let out a chuckle and she confirms it again.

“Wow…” Addison laughs a bit as well. “Anyways. At first, I took it in very calmly but I’m starting to panic. How do I know she can potentially like me back?”

“You need to make a move. Give a sign. Risk something. Put yourself out there.”

Everything that human beings stay away from and hate to hear when she breaks it down to them. So, there is not a single part of her surprise when a frown with a grimace graces Addison Montgomery’s face.

“Absolutely not,” She shakes her head, in denial.

“Addison-”

The door to the office swings open and Meredith's head pops out, “Doctor Danvers is here.”

---

“This is a complicated situation,” Webber has stood up from his seat only to sit back down again; his eyes don’t meet either of his employees while he tries to push a way through, for Meredith, for himself, for the way the world seems all be black right now. No shade of grey. Don’t even think about goddamn white. Everything is black; somehow he failed her. Once again. He failed this girl, this girl whose family let her down. He failed her. “We do not have any proof of what happened. It’s a word against word. She-said, he-said. If I fire him and he reports me somewhere, we are done here.”

Three pairs of eyes are stuck on his face.

“He gets his spot back and firstly, Meredith’s reputation is ruined and I cannot stand my employees bullying her again. God knows how long. Secondly, I’ll end up paying O’Malley for mistreating him and attempting to ruin his career.”

It’s so dark in here. How are they supposed to get out of this office and go back to the way their lives have been up until now?

---

Settled in the examination room, everyone takes the same positions as during the previous visit - with Doctor Danvers sitting by the computer and machinery, while Meredith is settled standing by Addison’s right side. Except Naomi has an appointment at the moment, which results in a bit more intimate atmosphere, with fewer people.

“Okay, so here is your baby…” Doctor Danvers moves the transducer on the slick layer of gel, eyes focused on the small screen. “I need a moment to check in on everything, but looking at their size it appears to be developing healthily.”

Addison feels the surrealism of it all, as she looks at the wiggling shape on the picture. Their little feet, their tiny hands, turning into someone human-like. It shouldn’t come as such a disbelief, given the thousands of thousands of babies she has taken care of as they grew in their mothers and parents’ bodies. She is supposed to be used to this, isn’t she?

But it’s so different now.

“Can we hear the heartbeat?” Meredith rocks on the feet, back and forth, like a little girl.

Danvers looks up at her with a smile, recognising the giddy excitement before turning to the screen and pressing a button, “Of course, there it is.”

“Isn’t it a bit too quick?” Addison frowns.

“It is a bit too quick, but the baby isn’t in distress,” The woman says calmly. “All the organs appear to be growing well. The heartbeat is quite strong.”

But a mother’s instincts and fears are never easy to quiet down when it comes to her baby, her whole world, “Everything is okay? For sure?” She knows her own stress and nervousness might cause the baby to feel it as well, she knows goddamn every thing about babies she could have learned during the med school and the long years of her rich career. She has read dozens of handbooks and guides for future parents, like a maniac. Yet sometimes all you need is someone else’s reassurance.

“I promise you, Miss Montgomery, it is.”

“Alright,” Addison sighs, nodding. “Alright.”

“Do you want to know the sex?”

Everything jumps inside of Addison - her heartbeat, pumping the blood through her veins, her pressure. She feels like there are waves washing over her, the anticipation taking over.

It comes like a habit, to grab Meredith’s hand tighter, as it has already been intertwined with her fingers.

“Yes, I do,” She says.

Meredith looks at Addison, covering the grimace of the pain of how strong Addie’s hold is - but her eyes are full of love. They look at each other for a split of second before turning the two pairs of eyes at Doctor Danvers.

“So…” Danvers takes one final look before announcing. “You’re expecting a babygirl.”

A gasp of surprise escapes Addison’s parted red lips.

“Really?” She asks leaning into the screen, trying to, needing to to see it herself. To see the proof. That baby bee is now a babygirl and she would and will love them no matter what sex they are, but somehow this feels right.

But she doesn’t need a guide because with one glance at the screen, with the transducer set in the right perspective, she can see it. She can see the shape of her daughter. Her daughter.

Some part of her has always known.

Ella.

Yeah, Ella.

“It’s a girl!” A literal squeal comes out of Meredith, who lets go of Addison through the emotions buzzing from her; unable to stay put. “Can I? Can I go tell Naomi? Or everyone?”

Addison bursts out laughing, even more as Doctor Danvers snorts at Grey’s antics. It’s a wonder, to see Meredith rocking back and forth again, willing to take an escape through the door and telling everyone that her best friend is having a daughter.

“Go ahead,” Addison nods her head towards the door.

That’s all it takes for Mer to burst through the door and speed down the hallway. They can hear her, echoing down the walls, “We’re- She’s having a girl! Addie is having a girl!”

“Your partner is one of the most enthusiastic I’ve seen in a long time,” Danvers chuckles, beginning to clean Addison up from the gel.

The redhead takes the paper towel in her hands, “That she is.”

“Two copies of photos today, too?”

“Yes, please,” Addison smiles. “That would be perfect.”

As she sits up on the bed, to fold down her dress, she is stopped by Doctor Danvers closing the door to cut away Meredith’s excited shouts and a couple more voices joining her in excited chatter, “There is something I want to discuss.”

---

“So we do that subtle.”

Addison says, tone thoughtful, the plotting beginning in her head.

“I don’t want to do anything about it,” Meredith says, turning to look at the redhead before looking back at Chief. “Did anyone ask me what I want?”

“But you don’t have to do anything,” Addison muses, her eyes gleaming in a wicked way. “Even move your pinkie.”

The familiar note in her voice brings Richard’s attention to her - he used to be her teacher until the day when just the same note appeared as she spoke - that was the day the student had surpassed the master. Within that tone, that’s where is hidden the answer to their many questions.

“What do you have in mind, Addie?” He asks, the nickname slipping naturally.

Somehow that is the moment that makes Addison the mastermind. Her brain has always been extraordinary, but even in the simplicity of her plan - nothing too complex, nothing too surprising - she is great at it. It’s a very plain solution, yet her ability to bring it on and continue on, even with Meredith’s lack of willingness to do it and Alex’s dissatisfaction of the lack of violence.

“He didn’t play fair, we don’t have to play fairly as well,” She begins, stopping by putting one of her hands on Mer’s chair and the other on Alex’. “We stop teaching him. Giving him opportunities to progress. In the OR. Downright ignore him, I might even say gaslight him into thinking we are teaching him and giving enough proof for him to have no arguments, but not letting his knowledge expand. He is already vulnerable in the position of repeating the intern year. I’m sure Sloan will be on board. Shepherd probably, too, given he is in the middle of buying his way out of hell.”

The first to speak up is Alex. He tilts his head and glances at silent Meredith - how her eyes are stuck on the grey floor and she is digging her fingernails into the palm of her hand, almost breaking through the first layer of skin.

“I’m usually a fist kind of guy,” He says, trying to keep it lowkey as his foot kicks into Grey’s tennis shoe. She stops her nails and sneaks her hands under her thighs. “But mental abuse sounds good too.”

“It is not abuse,” Addison says, sounding like she is rolling her eyes; not that she would right now. “It’s paying back.”

If it was any other hospital than Seattle Grace, then any rational Chief would stop the madness blossoming in his office. But it is not.

So instead, he looks at his employees unimpressed, “What happens next?”

“It’ll take time, this method, but he will leave,” The sureness in Montgomery’s voice might be even cold - don’t fuck with pregnant women. “Once everyone turns against him, he won’t be able to live like this at a long shot.”

“You are such a mean pregnant lady,” Meredith says, speaking up for the first time in a long moment. And she sounds downright in awe and aroused. It takes a moment for the rest to realise she is teasing her, a playful tone in the middle of this serious discussion.

Addison brushes the long blonde ponytail, “I can be mean when I want to.”

It takes one off-handed comment for them to almost get lost in their separate world, where they can just keep flirting and making fun of each other and laugh like there is no real world outside the window, waiting for them to be brought back to the ground.

Thankfully, Richard stops it before it can unfold.

“Let’s say I didn’t hear a word of this conversation. Karev, I’m giving you a five-day leave - but I will be telling people you’re suspended for attacking a colleague. O’Malley will think I haven’t chosen sides. Grey, stay. The two of you can go.”

---

Addison’s heart drops and every cruel thought crosses her mind within the light speed. Being an overthinker doesn’t help, seeing her doctor drop the tone to a more serious tone and suddenly, the world turns to this ugly shade of grey.

It’s a bad habit, she realises and is actively aware of. But after the past couple of years, one may even say it is impossible not to have this habit of being prepared for the worst. She puts her hand protectively on her stomach, her thumb caressing the cotton material of the dress and tries to appear as calm and collected as possible. Somewhere in the background, Meredith is still loud and excited.

“I just wanted to talk to you about the possibility of finding a new O.B.,” Doctor Danvers starts, not giving a single hint if she noticed Addison’s beginning of distress. “Eventually, you won’t be able to fly or come here by car at some point in the pregnancy.”

Oh.

Jesus Christ. Addison’s whole body loses the tension when she realises everything is okay with the baby and that the woman wasn’t just pretending all was fine until Meredith was gone. Which is a crazy idea, because no surgeons and doctors act like this.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” Addison admits; her chest feels ten times lighter, even with this problem on the horizon. “You won’t be able to travel to Seattle, will you?”

“Unfortunately, I rarely travel for my patients,” Doctor Danvers says as she prints out the scans. “For private reasons.”

Addison nods and then knows it’s her chance to ask about things that have been worrying her since the fainting incident in the bathroom. With no one else, just her and her OB.

Clearing her throat, she decides to speak up, “Of course, I understand. But… I have a question about the pregnancy. About me.”

“Feel free to ask about anything.”

“I’ve been worried about my health state, and since I’m a doctor myself…” She hesitates about what she is supposed to begin. “There is so much fatigue, weakness. I get headaches daily and my heart keeps racing, I have trouble breathing sometimes - one of my colleagues said it’s stress but it is not. I know it’s not. And I feel like I’m looking paler and paler. A bit yellow, too. No pregnancy glow certainly,” She snorts. “I haven’t done any tests yet, but…”

Doctor Danvers looks at her like she truly listens and after a pang of silence, “Pregnancy anaemia?”

“Yeah.”

“That would complete things,” Danvers hums more to herself than to Addison.

“Sure it would,” Addie lets out a humourless chuckle.

“Would you like to go to the hospital today?”

“I can do that at home,” Addison decides not to ruin one of her last visits in Los Angeles, knowing that one or two days won’t truly make a difference, given her state has been stable at the same low level for weeks. It would never be easy, this pregnancy, right? That’s how things roll in her life, in the Seattle life. “I just didn’t want to panic and scare my family. In case I’m overreacting and looking for medical problems because of work-related bias.”

“It’s not overreacting,” Doctor Danvers says, handing her the scans. “It’s being cautious and watching out for warning signs.”

A pool of warmth and love floods Montgomery’s chest looking down at the photographs. Little feet, tiny hands, just the tiniest of humans that are hiding in her stomach - her daughter. Her babygirl. So many years she’s spent putting it away, or being pushed away by Derek at the very idea of building a bigger family, looking for someone to do this with her. Because doing it on her own was so damn terrifying and difficult; yet now, it feels like it’s the easiest thing she’s ever done in her life. Like she’s been made for this; little screen, photographs, imagining of small feet on the wooden floor in her future house.

Somehow she still wants her daughter more. Love her more.

To fix the mistakes of her own parents, to prove to herself that hurt people hurt people is not true; that with her past she is still able to create the most beautiful life for her child. To know she is able to do it, all of it.

“I should get tests when I’m back then,” She says, her mind still circling around the baby the size of a pear on the scans.

“Yes, absolutely,” Danvers tells her.

“Alright-”

The door bangs open, making both of them jump.

Meredith’s face lightened up, beaming, “Addie, we’re celebrating!” She is a bit too loud; one part of Addison wants to shush her but the other is amazed that other people love her daughter, too. That she is never going to be alone, even if Addison is gone.

“Thank you, Doctor Danvers,” Addison stands up from the bed and hands Meredith the scans to calm her down even for a second.

“Of course,” She nods and when Meredith runs out to the hallway again to show everyone the photographs, only then she adds. “If you need guidance or can’t find O.B. for you, I’m one call away.”

Having said their goodbyes, Addison follows the sounds of celebration until she finds herself in the break room - everyone drinking their coffee instead of champagne, with the scans being carried over from hand to hand. They clap, and the enthusiasm can be felt almost physically when she enters the room and she decides to let herself give into it. One more day of pure bliss until she faces things she would have to face nonetheless.

Right now, she is here, all those other times are somewhere else, all those problems hidden behind a wall. When Meredith takes her hand in hers, she can feel the loneliness and fear evaporate.

---

Talking to Richard doesn’t take much longer, since she needs to go back to work and check on her idiotic group of interns but the work appears to be stretching out in time mercilessly. The moment her shift ends and miraculously she ends up not on call, she rushes to the residents' lounge to change into her clothes and sleep the past two days off.

That’s where she finds Addison - on the bench in front of the cubbies, in a tight skirt and a black coat already thrown over her shoulders.

“Everything good?”

Meredith nods but doesn’t attempt to hide her exhaustion.

“Yeah,” She sighs and begins to take off her scrubs. “Chief just wanted to make sure if I’m holding up.”

She is past trying to explain to Webber he is not her father; her pride has shrunk a bit and it’s hard to admonish someone who is being so kind to you. Her skin might crawl as much as she likes and she might feel uncomfortable but he is protecting her, fighting for her, willing to ruin someone’s career just so she doesn’t fear coming to Seattle Grace.

There is no good way to let someone down easily when they do all of this for her.

“And are you?” Addison’s voice is soft and mellow. When she speaks this way to her, Meredith imagines words falling off her tongue like hot chocolate with cream that’s topping over and spilling onto the floor.

“I am,” Mer answers once she is changed and sits on the bench to put on her winter boots. “Let’s go home.”

After tying the laces and picking up her things, she sees Addison already waiting by the door with this gorgeous miracle of a smile. God, it’s impossible for a human being to look so perfect with a white scarf around her neck and red curls falling over it.

“Your place or mine?”

“Yours. It’s closer. And I need to sleep.”

“We’re having a movie night with Lexie,” Addison informs her as they begin their walk towards the elevator.

Honestly, Meredith couldn’t care less about it.

“Go ahead, I’m having a sleeping-for-twelve-hours night.”

That makes Addison burst out laughing and just as the door closes she ruffles Meredith’s hair, making the blonde smile widely.

---

Los Angeles presents them with one of the warmest days of the month when they decide to take a trip - first a walk by the beach but then the universe pushes them towards the familiar bookshop. With a beige cardigan thrown over her frame, Meredith feels like a completely different person entering the store; she pulls it tightly around her frame as memories flash through her head.

This time, she doesn’t even pretend to have any interest in the straight books with naked silhouettes of men and instead, stays on the queer side of the shelves while Addison chats perkily with the owner. Her fingers skip over the slightly dusty backs as she decides which one she should bring back home as a souvenir of this little trip.

She enjoys serious literature or a bit heavier pieces borrowed from Addie, yet sometimes all she wants is to release the unresolved stresses from work and conflicts she’s been intertwined in. That’s when silly romances, rather on the porny side come through.

So, when she finds a novel about an older professor at the uni and a fresh student, her choice falls exactly on it.

“Isn’t it just nice to be out and able to buy books with naked women on the covers?”

Addison’s voice makes her turn around in the narrow alley between two bookshelves.

“It is, it is,” She nods, turning back and standing on her toes to reach for another book that caught her eye in a golden font.

“Do you need help with that?”

“No, I’ll get it myself.”

“You sure, Grey?”

There it is. Slight teasing when Montgomery’s voice grows lower and quieter. More intimate, almost hungry. The way it always gets when she calls her by her last name instead of Meredith.

Meredith glares above her shoulder, but it is not serious as a slight smile curls in the corners of her lips, “Oh, don’t act all smug just because you have your legs to the sky.”

“Legs to the sky?” Addison hums; if Meredith wasn’t so focused on being stubborn and reaching the book, she would notice that little fires lighten up Addison’s eyes.

Her heart skips a bit, though, the moment a hand is set right by her head and a sudden warmth surrounds her. Blinking, she turns around to realise she’s been almost trapped by Addison Montgomery, with their bodies so close that if she only took a half-step forward, they would crash into each other. Of course, she feels her cheeks grow hotter - blushing like a total imbecile; no way to stop that when the perfume enters her nostrils and it works almost like a love potion. Right at that moment her useless knowledge about Harry Potter movies opens in her mind and she has to admit that if she ever smelled her own Amortentia, it would carry the scent of Addie’s earthly perfume joined with vanilla conditioner and juju.

“Don’t act surprised,” She tries to play it cool and keep eye contact, ignoring she must be only getting pinker. “You know you look amazing.”

“I don’t think I do,” Addison smirks, proud of herself for some reason.

Perhaps for making her so flustered, Mer thinks and wants to sigh.

Instead, she rolls her eyes, “Can you just get the book for me?”

However, inside she is not as savage and careless as her voice tone presents her to be. Because Addison’s skin looks so soft and her hair curls around her face in such soft waves, the red colour softens her intense gaze. It’s almost like she is made of angel dust, despite she’s been called Satan over and over again.

“Say please,” Addie doesn’t hide her smirk now.

“I’m not going to beg.”

Something changes then. Even with her heartbeat racing so loudly she hears it echoing in her ears, Meredith feels like the atmosphere is now charged with something untouchable, and when Addison shifts close, enough for their chests to touch, her knees get wobbly.

Rotten mind, Meredith curses in her head. Blinking, she takes a deep inhale when her eyes drop to the red lips right at her stare’s level.

“I think you should,” As they move when the redhead speaks, it takes every single ounce of power not to press her dry lips on her mouth.

“I won’t,” Mer’s voice turns into a whisper and she loses control when her face moves inches, their noses brushing.

Addison’s eyes flutter closed and she rests her forehead against Meredith’s - the books are entirely forgotten despite that’s where the conversation has begun, “Ask me.”

“I-”

Centimetres apart, Mer’s heart might be as well bursting open and all the questions linger, filling up her body with vitriolic hesitation and fear of what will happen next. She knows this is much different, will be much different than what happened during the Christmas break; so much risk in the fact there’s just the two of them, with no one to blame.

But then footsteps land in their alley, “Do you need any help?” One of the employees asks, making them jump apart, Addison’s hand hitting a couple of books and causing them to fall onto the floor. “With choosing or finding any title?”

She crouches to pick them up, while Meredith stutters like a fool as she thanks the employee and says they’re all good.

Neither of them speaks about what almost went down. They take their chosen novels and after buying them, they leave to get back to the airport. It’s not quite awkward, nor as odd as Meredith feared it would get but the moment keeps haunting her memory and throughout the whole flight, while Addison spends it sleeping on her shoulder, she feels herself get hotter and hotter.

Blame her imagination for going down the paths it should have never gone. But all she sees are red lips marking their way down her face, down her neck, opening her cardigan - the buttons falling off the material as Addison pulls it open - her hand sneakily making its way down her stomach and sliding inside the jeans and then she-

The redhead poisons each of her thoughts and she barely stops herself from going further that road.

It’s dirty. It’s bad.

But when Meredith comes back home, she curses Alex and her own suicidal tendencies for not being able to lock her door. But that doesn’t bother her as much, not when she feels herself burning. The small hole in the door cannot stop her now, she is too far gone.

Falling onto the mattress, she presses her thighs together as her hands begin to knead her tits, groping herself through the dark fabric of her blouse. She needs to be quiet, she knows that and shivers run down her back when one of her hands rolls to her belly and shakes, unzipping her jeans.

Right now, if Addison told her to, she would beg her over and over again, until she made a complete embarrassment out of herself. She would beg on her knees to touch her, for their bodies to finally fall naked under the sheets. Fuck that you aren’t supposed to think this way about your best friend, fuck all of the rules, all of the thoughts shouting at her internally to stop.

Her eyes roll back when her middle finger dips lower, under her soaked panties and into her slit.

She sees stars, but then everything that surrounds her is Addie.

When she cums, she has to bite her bottom lip to not scream out her name.

Notes:

i would love to hear what you think about this chapter (with the tiniest bit of spice) <3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=f138b2a32a524837

Chapter 49: you're perfectly wrong for me

Notes:

hi guys!!

thank you for the enthusiasm under the last chapter and how warmly you greeted the new structure of the present and the flashbacks. it was a one time thing but i am really glad you liked it:)

about this chapter... well... i am just kindly asking to do not kill me, okay? DO NOT KILL ME

enjoy this one... ;)

The evening goes slowly, and the peace Lexie experiences in the four walls she shares with Addison is odd to the bone.

Even alone here, mixing the dough for chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen, listening to the slow music coming from the fancy record player Addie got from a vintage shop downtown, she feels safe. Like in here, in the sacred space where the windows and the floors and the walls haven’t seen a drop of violence, all the bad stuff cannot reach her anymore. And it feels good.

In a way her family household used to feel; before her mom’s death and before Molly moved away and abandoned her.

Maybe Doctor Montgomery isn’t her family, but she is the closest thing there can be when it comes to it. But here, even on the narrow couch and with her bags still unpacked and left around the living room, she learns to trust the world again and unlearn every painful memory that still barges at her soul and body from time to time.

Just like now - sudden knocking resounds on the oaken dark door - and she flinches at the noise.

Washing her hands from the sticky mass and drying them off, she quickly walks to the door and peeks through the peephole and an excited smile stretches out on her lips.

“Oh my God, hi!” The door swings open as Lexie pulls the handle and is faced with the familiar and beautiful frame of Amelia. “Hi.”

“Hi, Lexie,” Amelia’s smile is a bit dimmed.

Weird.

But she is far too enthusiastic to care about that detail. Only seeing her, the woman that she’s slowly coming to believe might be her person, brings her heart to such heights that small elements like those go past her notice. Or rather focus.

“Please, come in…” Hands shaking just a bit as she brushes through her tangled hair at the nape of her neck, a tad dirty from the flour. “You should have texted me you were coming over, I look like a mess.” She has no makeup on, her hair hasn’t seen a hairbrush in two days and her clothes are just a pair of grey sweats and a loose T-shirt, that in a miraculous way, she stole from her half-sister’s wardrobe.

Amelia steps inside when Lexie makes room for her to enter and her gaze is wide when it looks around before landing on the younger Grey, “You look beautiful.”

Still, the smile on her lips is dimmed. Almost bittersweet and painful when she just stares at Lexie.

“Okay, so…” Awkwardly standing between the corridor and the living room, Lexie bites onto her bottom lip, nervously fiddling with the hem of her shirt. “What’s going on?”

“I came to…” Shepherd shuts her eyes for a second before looking at Lexie. “Well, to say goodbye.”

“What?”

At first, Lexie thinks she heard her wrong and will get more of an explanation. Her hopes are idle.

A loud sigh escapes Amelia’s lips and she brushes a strand of hair out of her face, licking her lips as she begins, “I need to go back to New York. Straighten things out with my family and-” Her voice breaks when she sees two treacherous tears that stream down Lexie’s face when she blinks. “Lexie, don’t cry, please.”

Reaching out her hand, in a comforting manner to bring the girl closer and hold her palm when she continues breaking her heart, is the wrong gesture.

It makes Lexie step back, out of her reach, despite all Grey wants deep inside is pull Amy into herself and hold her like this is not happening.

“Go on,” She says quietly. Barely a whisper.

“Lexie.”

“No,” Lexie shakes her head, wiping the tears off her pale face. “Say what you came here to say. Go on.”

But even despite all of it, her voice isn’t cold or flat. It’s overflowing with cutting emotion, yet it doesn’t break. As brave as she can be, Lexie Grey tries her best to handle things life has just given to her, to take them away within the blink of an eye.

“I don’t wanna leave, but I have to,” Amelia opens her hands helplessly, feeling like she might tear up as well. “And I don’t know when I will be back because, you see, I am a mess. Don’t pretend you don’t see it because you do, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m not sure I can stop it. The self-destruction and hatred. And you deserve so much better.”

I do not want better, Lexie says inside her head, I want you. I couldn’t care less about better. You were supposed to be my better.

That’s the thing about people like Amelia - they rarely let themselves be so insightful to realise that. To think they might actually have a good chance at healing and recovering and staying upfloat and not even changing, but progressing into a better self; both for themselves and for the people who love them.

“Have you ever felt the things I’ve felt?” Lexie asks.

Fear is shaking her up, too scared to hear the answer she expects.

“Of course, I have,” Amelia steps closer and this time the brunette doesn’t put distance between them. Fingers intertwining, Lexie allows for her hands to hold. “Of course, I have.”

“We can deal with it together,” Lexie’s doe eyes light up, the shining faith ruling over her heart. “You don’t have to be alone hurting. I’m with you, Amy.”

“Little Grey,” She frees one of her hands and brushes against the soft skin of Lexie’s cheek, the heaviness sitting on her chest like the monster from sleep paralysis. “I can’t let you do that.”

“I am strong. I am resilient,” Lexie stands taller, as if that could ever pull the youngest of Shepherd siblings onto her side; make her see. “And you’re the best thing that could ever be mine.”

“I am wrong for you,” Amelia shakes her head.

In her head, it went much softer and much easier. In her head, Lexie let her go like what they had never meant anything to her and didn’t let one single tear escape her eyes. In her head, nobody cared about her enough to fight for her to stay like a lioness.

Those images were unquestionably foolish because Lexie Grey could never not care.

“You are perfect for me,” Lexie says. She frees her other hand from Amelia’s fingers and cups her face like she is holding her entire world right there, in her hands. A bit too rough, she makes Amelia’s chin raise and look her straight in the eyes. “Do you hear me?”

“Lexie.”

There’s no chance she will be talked into staying. She cannot afford that, not when she takes the avalanche she might pull onto the lives of the Seattle found family with her problems under consideration. She has to stay focused and has to stay sure of her decision, and not show a single sign of hesitation.

“No, I am not letting you go,” Lexie sees she’s at the lost side of life now, and tears spring from the corner of her eyes, her own avalanche. “You can’t leave.”

Amelia cups her jawline and puts all of her strength into spelling out loud, “This is not our time.”

“I’ll make it our time,” Lexie begs.

Without giving Amy a chance to fight back, she leans down and brings her into a needy, pleading kiss. Their lips meet and teeth clink, and Lexie’s hands grab onto the lapels of her black leather jacket.

Stumbling backwards, she is pulling her further into the apartment until they crash onto the couch. A mess of intertwined limbs and longing touches, that’s all they become.

When they keep on kissing and undressing, Lexie feels saltiness on her lips. She cannot tell whose tears she is tasting.

---

An hour later, the silence only interrupted with the vinyl record that keeps on playing, almost kills her.

Cardiac arrest, call it 19:43. That’s how it feels for Lexie to watch Amelia get dressed with quick movements and in an obvious rush.

Grey is covering her naked frame with a thin brown blanket as if that layer could protect her from all the heartbreak in the world. Compromisingly, she is doing her best to blink the never-stopping tears away, so she doesn’t look so miserable and embarrassing. She feels like she’s just a kid, that got tangled in a feeling that was supposed to be her most beautiful love and instead ends up in a ditch.
She cannot handle more people abandoning her, not now, not after she just started to pick the pieces up.

“I don’t wanna go, baby,” Amelia crouches in front of her once she puts her boots on. “I’ll miss you until we meet again.”

It makes Lexie want to scream at the top of her lungs, to not call her baby. Not in those conditions. It isn’t sweet now, it’s obscure and uncomfortable, and all the bad things you can find on this side of the town.

So, she stays quiet. Keeps eye contact, but doesn’t say a single word until Amelia kisses her forehead and disappears behind the door.

Only then, Lexie begins to weep as she collects her clothes from the floor and curses at how dumb she is. How naive, to believe somebody could ever love her enough not to hurt her or stay. Sobs wreck her chest and she holds herself on the couch, curled as if she can just stop herself from falling apart, as if her own beaten arms have enough strength to not let her turn into a puddle of tears.

Her seeking warmth and family is pointless because Susan is dead, Thatcher would rather attempt killing her than embracing her and Molly has forsaken her.

Meredith is all she has left.

So, she gets dressed and locks the door. It’s raining cats and dogs when she falls into the driver’s seat, hoping the tears will stop flowing so she won’t crash her car.

---

“Lexie, come in.”

It’s all blurry how she drove through the city to this neighbourhood and big house, memories stretching from seconds into infinity. Her eyes hurt, red and swollen, and her ribcage feels like it’s about to be ripped apart - maybe it has been, by Amelia Shepherd who tore her big genuine heart out and took it with her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know where to go,” Lexie hiccups between sobs as she steps into the hallway, dripping wet from the downpour.

“Let me take your coat,” Meredith helps her undress, her voice gentle and slow, just like her movements. “Come with me upstairs.”

Coming from the sounds on the ground floor, Alex is home and cooking something. It warms Lexie, despite her thoughts no one can save her now, that Meredith protects her from unknown attention while she is in such a vulnerable state.

Lexie lets herself be led up the stairs and embraced in the messy bedroom, covered in clothes on all of the surfaces.

“I’m packing fresh clothes for work,” Meredith explains, cleaning up the bed enough for her half-sister to sit on. “Since the whole contest for residents began, I used up all of my clothes in my locker. I don’t want to stink. But. Tell me what happened.” She throws all the shirts from the bedsheets into a big bag, ready to listen to her.

“I- She left. Amelia left me,” Lexie says quietly, clearing her throat because she sounds like walking misery.

It makes Meredith halt halfway and slowly turn to look at Lexie, “She did what?”

“She came to tell me she’s leaving for New York and that this isn’t our time,” Lexie finds herself finally calming down enough to speak without rambling and choking on words. She cannot tell what it is - whether a small fear of Meredith’s rage or the surprising peace her room surrounds her, no, her presence gives her - but it’s working. “To be together. That she is a mess and that she doesn’t deserve me. But I-”

“Because she doesn’t deserve you, Lexie.”

The sureness in her voice, the steadiness is one that cannot be faked. She doesn’t say it to make her feel better, but because she believes it.

Lexie can tell this is the moment she has an opportunity to open up. That Meredith won’t push her away tonight, won’t judge her, won’t be that scary version of herself that has only three people she truly treats right and ignores the rest, ignores Lexie. Tonight, this is her chance.

Both, for their bonding and for the release of the pain she’s been hit with.

“But I don’t care, Meredith,” Lexie’s shoulders slouch, as the energy disappears from her and instead, she feels her tired muscles giving up. “I want her. She is all I’ve ever wanted and being together is not about running away when you have problems. It’s about facing them together. But she left. Left me.”

Just like that, when she says it out loud, she faces the truth.

And turns back into the sharp cries making her exhausted emotionally sillohouette to shake her up again. She drops her shoes onto the floor and curls up, pulling her knees to her chest and hiding her face into them. It feels like somebody is burning her alive, every inch of her skin aches and her heart is being stomped on by Amelia’s heavy boots.

“Lexie,” Meredith breathes out heavily, exasperated and unexpected happens - she lands on the bed next to Lexie and pulls her into her body, embracing her and shushing softly. “It’s okay. It’s okay this is not okay. I am here. You are not alone in this.”

“I don’t want her to go,” Lexie cries out.

Her frame relaxes enough to lean her head on Mer’s shoulder and lean her bent legs into her lap.

“I know,” Meredith brushes her hair calmingly.

“I really liked her.”

“I know.”

Lexie’s tears don’t stop flowing; just a never-ending waterfall that wets the burgundy of Meredith’s shirt. She had lots of guesses about how coming to this house might end up, but she never thought that Meredith would actually show up. Not because Mer is a bad person - she is not, she is entirely on the other side of that spectrum - but because they have a tough history.

Yet, this is exactly what she needed.

“I feel as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest,” Lexie’s voice cracks and she grabs onto her chest, as if keeping her fist there will stop the dripping ache. “Like claws are tearing it apart.”

A soft kiss is pressed onto her temple and, if that’s possible, Meredith pulls her closer, “Hold onto me.”

That’s what Lexie does.

Meredith’s lights guide her home, somewhere safe, somewhere she can let down her defences, and even if it’s far from perfect haven, it’s still something. She cannot fix her younger sister, and it does pain her there’s no way to take that weight from her shoulders, to make it alright, to reassure Lexie won’t ever feel like this again in her life

It’s impossible.

So instead, Meredith shifts further into the mattress, leaning against the bedframe and tightly covering Lexie with the freshly changed bedsheets. It brings her a sense of purpose, to be there for her half-sister.

The crying and shaking tires her out so badly, she falls asleep with her head in Mer’s lap. She is graced with dreamless sleep, which is one of the best things she could get, omitting the nightmares and dreams which could have shown her something she craves but cannot have. And most of the time, that kind of dreams - where you experience each of your desires - are worse than night terrors. Tricking you into believing you got it and then you wake up to the reality and your entire world shatters.

While Lexie sleeps, Meredith gently removes herself from the bed and goes back to the packing.

Quietly and smoothly, she goes downstairs to make comfort sandwiches, exactly what Lexie did for her after her suicide attempt, along with hot winter tea. Then comes back and leaves the door ajar as she calls the only person she wants to hear and lean onto.

Without realising that her voice brings Lexie out of her sleep, Meredith thinks she is quiet enough.

But Lexie stirs awake and needs a good two minutes to realise where she is and what happened. By then, Meredith is in the middle of the discussion, much more emotional than she would ever show to Lexie and yes, perhaps eavesdropping is a bit habit, but in this complete silence, there’s nothing else to listen to.

“I’m going to kill her, Addie- No. No, I called Derek and he said she’s not answering his calls. He’ll keep on trying to contact her, but she’s probably at the airport or something. Are you really defending her?” Meredith goes quiet for a longer moment, probably listening to Addison on the other side and it seems reasonable - Doctor Montgomery seems like she has a long history with all of the Shepherds, so Lexie doesn’t feel surprised. “Yeah. Yeah, fine. Yeah, I was surprised that Derek got so involved but at least he’s being useful. He’s trying.”

Another break happens and Lexie stares at the ceiling, hoping to hear footsteps on the stairs and for Amy to run through the door. Apologising and taking it all back, showing she cares enough not to hurt her and truthfully stay.

Lexie might be blindsided by love, but she knows one thing - someone who truly loves you, doesn’t hurt you.

And when they do, they make it right.

“She’s my little sister! Oh, stop. That’s not the right time to tell me I told you so. Everything in me hurts to see her this way. If that fucking girl ever comes back, I’m strangling her.” Meredith laughs at something and then shoots back. “Good luck doing that with your stomach.” Another chuckles before she continues. “I’m fine. Are you fine? Okay. But I’ll be better once that girl either finds a sensible explanation or never comes back into Lexie’s life.”

Meredith catches the handle, about to walk into the bedroom which makes Lexie turn onto her side, so her back faces the door.

But then, Mer lets go of it and talks again, “I am being reasonable. Gotta go, I need to see how Lexie is doing.”

Lexie closes her eyes, wanting to pretend to be asleep for one more second when she hears the door creak.

Yet, there is a smile on her lips. That’s what having an older sister is like.

Notes:

i would love to hear how much you hate me for what i did in this chapter, comments will be highly appreciated:) (you can yell at me lol)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=9c9db99203834628

Chapter 50: this is me trying

Notes:

hi!!!

we’re celebrating 50 CHAPTERS today!!!
when i began writing this story in january 2023 i would have NEVER guessed how big and vast it would become. let’s raise our glasses for another fifty chapters!! (because with the way it’s going now i don’t believe this fic will be shorter than 100 chapters ☠️… but we shall see)
thank you for the constant support and lovely messages🤍 i always appreciate them:)

hope you enjoy this one!!

“How is the fear? After living in the hospital and facing him repeatedly on a daily basis?”

Meredith’s knee jumps as she tries her best to look straight at Doctor Wyatt and appear stable mentally. Because she is. Mentally stable, the best it can get. Yet each time she attempts to make her leg stop moving, it lasts half a minute before her body feels another wave of anxiety, shaking her off balance.

“It’s… better,” Meredith’s voice isn’t as sure as she wishes it to be. “Steadier. The more I see him, the less I am afraid. I thought it would be the opposite.”

That’s true.

Somehow, Meredith thought that seeing George would be just like driving the knife into her chest deeper, aching all over her ribcage. But every time she passes him by, or has him working on the same case, joining her in the OR, he loses all the danger he used to hold after the old trauma has been recovered from her mind. What George has done to her isn’t ruining her career or life. She is not a victim of him, she is a survivor and God be her witness, she isn’t ever letting go of Seattle Grace just because some low-ego assaulter appears to be holding on to the place the same.

Doctor Wyatt tilts her head, noting something on the sheet of paper while not even once looking down on her words, “And do you have any idea why that can be?”

“I have a history of escaping problems until they grow to such enormous sizes that facing them becomes impossible,” Meredith hates to be slowly becoming so self-reflective and insightful that she solves some of her mental mechanisms. “But I don’t want to stop the whole George talk, I don’t want to run away again.”

“Is-”

The loud pinging noise resounds in the office when Mer’s pager goes off. She glances at the device and springs to her feet.

“I gotta run.”

“Meredith, the session isn’t-”

“It’s the contest,” Grey is already by the door, hand on the doorknob. “I need to get there first!”

Before Doctor Wyatt might say anything else, Meredith shuts the door behind herself and makes it a full run down the three levels of a staircase and quickens her pace on the ground floor when she sees Cristina’s back as her person is making her way straight through the corridor. Izzie appears right behind her and Mer doubts if getting faster is possible, yet she proves it is.

So caught up in the run for the win, she doesn’t notice Bailey and the Chief standing on the side, just sprints. A smile curls on her lips when Izzie trips and falls, and she catches up with Cristina, leaving the blonde behind.

Sometimes life gives you these tiny little presents for staying alive. And watching Stevens fall does feel like one of them, the slightest amount of fairness after one chooses to stand by the wrong side of a battle.

---

Miranda talks softly to Tucker in her arms as she heads to the daycare when Richard stops her.

He stands with arms crossed on his chest, and when she attempts to step to his right in order to pass him by, he mirrors her movements.

“Yes, sir?” Bailey sighs and tilts her head with that watchful gaze, telling you not to play or march into her parade.

“There’s a contest going on,” The Chief says.

“Sir?” Her voice intonates she is completely unbothered and doesn’t have a hand in the matter.

“Your residents. They’ve been living in the hospital around the clock for the last fourteen days, engaged in a surgical contest,” Richard explains, despite both of them well know what is the conversation about. When Bailey remains with no reactions, just dead staring into his eyes without an ounce of feeling, he adds, “With a point system.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Just in that moment, three of her residents sprint next to them, so quickly that Miranda’s hair flies in the air. In a split second, three sprinters disappear from sight as if that never happened. But even then, she is uncaring while the prize for the winner weighs in the pocket of her white coat.

Where the three turned onto the left corner and into the main hall, Meredith is now at a draw with Crisitna, with Izzie three steps behind them.

“I’m kinda sad the contest ends tonight,” Mer admits, their run turning into a fast march.

The contest has been an insane event, yet it sets fire higher for the residents. The cases are being solved faster and with a higher percentage of success, but it also makes the lows dig themselves lower when one of them makes a mistake with their minds set on winning and not on the fate of the patients.

“I’m not,” Cristina’s voice is sure and hard. “I want that prize.”

They hear a new pair of footsteps join them and the twisted sisters give one look above their shoulders just to see George catching up to Izzie. He ignores their existence, in a manner that’s so not O’Malley it makes Cristina snort. Meredith presses her lips together not to follow into her path, but their amused eyes cross, both thinking the same - the more humanity they take out of George, the easier it is to accept his presence in the four walls of this hospital.

Just making fun of him, like they’re back in primary school.

“You gotta do what you gotta do,” Cristina told Meredith last night when they were discussing straight-up bullying him. Watching a heart surgery that Alex managed to scrub in from the gallery, Mer leaned her head on Cristina’s shoulder, finding temporary peace in the scene.

“You chopped off your hot hair for a stupid contest?” His voice makes Meredith recoil, even if he’s not speaking to her.

“Not stupid,” Izzie says. “Rock star contest. Best contest ever. You should try living in the hospital for two weeks straight, George. It’s amazing.”

Mer cannot help herself but roll her eyes - just a self-defence tactic to not start arguments.

“This contest is for residents,” Cristina underlines, shooting a dark look behind her back.

Sometimes all Meredith wants to do is kiss Cristina all over her face when she does things like this. Yang has never been one to shut up when it comes to their colleagues, especially 007 or Evil Spawn, and sometimes it annoys Meredith, but at times it feels like a gift from the heavens. No one has her roasting abilities like Cristina Yang.

“Yes, I know that,” The bitterness in George’s voice is evident.

“Doesn’t mean he can’t live here,” Izzie steps in immediately to defend him. Figures. “I feel juiced and alive, and my brain is clicking and running. I have never been more on my game.”

“Fuck the game,” Cristina says. “I want my prize.”

George frowns, “What prize?”

“Bailey won’t tell us,” Izzie tells him. “But I want it bad.”

It’s not even about the secret prize in the end. It’s about what it represents - the residents' contest happens once in your career and you get to bloat in the headlights of victory for one year until it’s time to pass the prize for the next first-years. Only once do you have an opportunity to get the title, and despite each one of them fighting for it for different reasons, they all want the same thing and want it bad.

Meredith finally is done with being the bigger person and smirks, “Too bad you’re never gonna get it.”

As if on cue, Cristina and she start sprinting at the same time, leaving Izzie far behind.

“So on my game!” Stevens calls out and follows them.

George stares in place as the three of them run.

---

No amount of concealer can cover the dark grey circles under Lexie’s eyes. And as it is in Seattle Grace Hospital, everyone notices.

So, giving up on pretending things are alright, Lexie sits alone at the table in the very corner of the cafeteria. In the past week, she hasn’t felt anything besides heartache in her chest - instead of her usual stress eating, she cannot bring herself to act on her hunger. If it’s there at all. Because she doesn’t feel it and with a spoon in her hand, mixing the chocolate pudding for the fifth minute, she ignores the tray full of lunch snacks.

Her eyes are set lifelessly on the floor, with the dramatic bridge of You’re Not Sorry streaming in her ears. Her MP3 is set on the table next to her, earphones in; she’s completely dead to the world.

“Little Grey!”

Without a warning, Mark Sloan jumps onto the seat across from her. Setting his tray loudly onto the surface causes her player to shake on the table.

“Mark,” Lexie makes an attempt at a smile which comes out entirely wrong - a poor shadow of the usual grin when someone wants to be in her company turning into a painful grimace. Neither her eyes seem to be sparkling, despite she enjoys Mark’s presence most of the time, even if people tell her to stay away from him. Even if it’s Doctor Bailey announcing he is a whore. The thought would usually make her laugh, but today she has none of the energy. “Hi.”

“What are you listening to?” Chewing on his sandwich, he points at the earphones she has just taken off and put next to the MP3.

“Taylor Swift.”

Mark reaches across the table and picks one of the earphones, putting it into his ear. After ten seconds of deep listening, he looks rather alarmed, “This is downright depressing.”

“Just like life is,” Lexie shrugs.

Is this her new outlook on life? She wonders because she does sound downright depressing, just like Taylor when her ex wasn’t even sorry and said he was, but it was a lie. Gosh, she hates it. Doesn’t know what more - being treated like that or falling into the way of depressive thinking.

“Wait-” Mark looks a bit like he’s about to page one of their friends to have her checked up in the psych ward. He picks up the device and begins to scroll through her playlist, his frown deepening when he starts with Beyonce’s Halo and If I Were a Boy, through Apologize by Timbaland to finish off with Breakeven by The Script.

She is usually a Natasha Bedingfield or Fergie girl, Taylor Swift as well but with the more hopeless romantic choice of songs. But yesterday she spiralled alone in the apartment and made a whole new playlist to which she cried her eyes out until Addison came home and ordered potstickers for late supper they ate together while watching Law & Order.

It feels unfair, how the whole affair ended.

She has just gotten out of an abusive house and found a new family with strangers and her haf-sister and thought life gave her a beautiful romance with no darkness. Lexie knows she deserves good things after what she’s been through - it’s been hard to admit and realise, but now she knows she deserves all the best.

Even if some nights when she goes to the bathroom to pee and has to look in the mirror while washing her hands she hates what she sees. Even if the reflection shows her a wrong image, changing the shape of her hips and waist, of her flat chest despite it’s not, of shoulders too broad. Even if she wonders if perhaps Amelia noticed it, too, when they had sex and that pushed her to leave.

But she won’t be opening that can of worms.

Not when she has enough things to struggle with already.

“I sense some heartbreak coming,” Mark says, putting the MP3 back in its place.

The question is his voice is apparent, even for the blind and Lexie focuses on the pudding and mixing it when she tries to find her voice.

“Amelia left me,” She finally admits.

“What?” If Mark was holding anything in his hands at that moment, it would have dropped from his hands.

Lexie looks at him, tears shining in her eyes like diamonds but she hates to let them drop. So instead, she raises her stare to the ceiling waiting until her voice stops wavering.

“Lexie?”

“Over a week ago, she came to tell me she has things to go through and explain back home. That she cannot be with me now. So she left…” Lexie gives it up and begins to tear up, a salty tear escaping from her left eye and she smiles bitter-sweetly. Mark’s usually playful flirty gaze turns full of compassion and lets out a heavy breath. “I feel like a wreck, Mark. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. And I miss her, every minute of every day, I miss her. It’s like I’m infected by her. It’s like she’s a disease. She’s in me.”

It comes as a surprise that Mark misses the opportunity for a dirty joke or just a chuckle but stays silent. He nods, more to himself than to her word as he goes through the confession.

Brushing his hand against his face, he collects himself to be as delicate to her as it is in his bones.

“Listen, Amy… she…” He makes sure Lexie is looking at him before continuing. “She does have a lot to work through, given her childhood and adolescence. It isn’t my story to tell what happened to her and what she fell into, I don’t want her to feel like I’m betraying her for telling you about that. But you don’t know where she’s been, Little Grey. Her family doesn’t accept her and take her as their own, never has and I never have been happy about it, especially since Mama Shepherd adopted me like a son while pushing away her biological daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for everything that family has done for me, but they do have a lot to blame for how Amelia turned out to be. Childhood is a weight you carry on forever and a lot depends on it. Until Addie and I came around, Amelia had been more forsaken than not. Maybe she’s trying to make things frankly right, clean her dirty plate of the past before committing to you. I don’t know a lot about commitment, so this is just my guess. Maybe she wants to make it right so it doesn’t hurt you.”

“But I would stick by her side while she healed,” Lexie’s tone sounds like a plea. Whether to Mark or the universe, that’s one’s interpretation.

“Some roads you gotta walk alone,” Mark says. He notices her untouched pudding and how her gaze settles on his one, of a different flavour. “Want my pudding?”

“No, thanks. You don’t have to.”

“I don’t like raspberry anyways,” He switches their puddings, despite he adores anything of raspberry taste and damn well knowing he hates chocolate. For Little Grey, it seems worth it to make this exchange.

And Lexie smiles, authentically for the first time in nine days.

It’s a real smile, Mark can tell, because of how her canines shine through and appear beneath her top lip.

Perhaps in another life, his heart isn’t devoted to a jackass of a man who has been escaping him for months after kissing him. And maybe in that life, Little Grey is his and he is hers, even if they go through hardships. He blames this thinking on Addie who always mentioned alternate universes when she got drunk. Somehow the thinking stuck to him, even if she hasn’t been drunk in half a year and never talked about it anymore.

Because Lexie seems pretty great.

So, yeah, he likes the thought of a parallel universe when he fixes up her heart broken by Amelia Shepherd.

“Okay,” Lexie’s voice is just a tease, the smile ever-staying even when she begins to eat her pudding. “Now tell me all about Doctor Shepherd thing.”

Mark chokes on his saliva, starting to cough.

Once he can breathe again, he laughs in disbelief, “You do have a bit of a devilish attitude after Big Grey, don’t you?”

“C’mon,” Lexie rolls her eyes and drinks from her tiny juice box with a plastic straw.

Somehow, she doesn’t have to ask again. Mark tells her everything, from the very beginning the story of him and Derek that’s been building up his entire life.

---

Meredith hasn’t slept in twenty-five hours and is barely standing on her feet. Yes, she still doesn’t want the contest to end, but the exhaustion eats at her away and slowly, she finds joy that any minute now it’s going to be solved. She is dying to find out if this sleep deprivation was worth it.

But she has no energy left to join the bickering between Cristina and Izzie, as the two don’t take their eyes away from Doctor Bailey. She is in a patient room, changed in her normal clothes and Tucker in her arms, ready to go home but something makes her fall into a long discussion with the cancer patient they have taken in this morning.

So, Meredith just leans onto the wall, hoping her knees won’t give out as she falls into a sudden coma.

Of course, she’s been through longer shifts than a day and one hour, but it’s the emotions that play at her. Handling Izzie’s presence close hurts because she still loves Stevens, even if he treats her like garbage by standing on George’s side.

She couldn’t care less about him. It’s Izzie that makes her heart bleed.

“What are you doing here?” Alex jogs up to them, looking twice better despite he hasn’t slept the same amount of time as she. “I just spent three hours watching surgery. Three more points.”

Meredith seems to listen and see words fall from his tongue, yet her brain doesn’t register them.

There are two things she needs, not at once, though. Either a soft mattress and a pillow, or a magical power to kick her ass and bring her back to life.

“I’m trusting you guys screwed up enough that it won’t matter,” Cristina says, almost sneering.

“I could still win,” Izzie announces. “I could. I did get a lot of points today.”

Meredith suddenly remembers she found a tumour today and that maybe she has a chance as well. Her thoughts are too tangled to focus on that for more than ten seconds. The conversation passes her by because it’s Addie who crawls into her mind with no warning.

Biting onto her lips, she thinks about the proposal she’s been holding onto for weeks.

No moment ever seems right. She needs another kick in the ass until she has enough courage to start the conversation.

“What’s the matter with you?” Alex nudges Meredith with his elbow, who appears to be stuck in a glitch. “Where’s the trash talk, Charles Barkley?”

But even looking at Alex, her gaze is unfocused because all she is thinking about is how to talk to Addison. How to give her a talk that won’t give out how smitten she is for her, how badly she wants to share home with her to have her around every day, everywhere. How to ask her if she wants to move into that chaos of a house where she and Alex live.

“She just knows I’m the best,” Cristina wiggles something reminiscing a dance of victory.

Alex flips her off in the same second that Bailey finally turns around and walks out of the door, meeting the four of her residents.

“Who won?” Cristina instantly asks, jumping onto Miranda who sends her displeased expression.

It awakens Meredith from the trance she was stuck in. She shakes off the mess of thoughts forever tangling in her head and feels the sprinkles of excitement while Doctor Bailey makes the wait the longest ten seconds of their careers.

“Doctor Grey.”

Several things happen at the same time.

An authentic proud smile stretches on Meredith’s lips - maybe it’s not the grant dramatic reaction the rest of the group would have, but given her state of mind lately… A smile is something.

Cristina releases a series of curses like a real sailor, Alex makes an angry round in the corridor as if walking would help all the buzzing disappointment leave his body. And Izzie stares holes into Meredith, clearly willing to kill her if only to get the title of winner.

Surgeons might be divided into different specialties and different goals, but in the end, they all come to one fundamental need. The need to be on top. The need to be great - whether at achieving things or saving people. To be the best. Feel the rush of adrenaline when landing on the moon and leaving your flag for everybody to know - I was there first. I was here. I won.

“Guy from the bear attack had a brain tumour, Grey caught it,” Bailey remains unimpressed by the antics and dramatics and continues. “Thirty points, solving a medical mystery put her on top.”

“I could have found a tumour!” Cristina says.

“But you didn’t. Now, congratulate Doctor Grey.”

Lacking excitement, Meredith listens to three apathetic voices of residents not even looking at her. It does make her smile, which probably speaks bad about her but it’s been so long since she rested and so long since she felt like winning at life, that she has to take it.

Smiling, she turns around, ready to leave and have someone drive her home and then crash into sleep for the next forty-eight hours.

“Hey, don’t you want your prize?” Bailey calls out after her.

That makes her halt and turn on her heels, head tilting in curiosity.

The prize.

She forgot about the very core of the contest. It’s obvious she really needs some sleep and let go of running after the surgeon high.

Bailey has a mysterious smile, keeping all four of them on their toes to finally see what this fight has been all about. With her free hand, not holding Tucker, she pulls out a small device, reflecting the light in silver and pink; little diamonds covering every part of it.

“A shiny pager,” Izzie murmurs piously.

“A sparkly pager,” Bailey fixes and hands it to Meredith who weights it in her hand.

An eyebrow raised at their mentor, Mer wonders where this is going.

Alex is quicker to ask what all of them are thinking, “What’s so great about a glitter pager?”

“A sparkly pager,” Bailey does appear a bit tired of having to repeat it twice, but lets it go with one dark look shot at Alex. “It is surgery’s holy grail. Passed down from resident to resident and now it belongs to Doctor Grey. For the next three months, whenever you get a surgery, you have to page this pager and if Grey wants your surgery, she has the right to take it from you.”

“Come on!” Alex clasps, voice low in aggravation.

Cristina turns her hands into fists, “Crap.”

“Really?” Izzie’s hands hang by her sides, looking helpless in the defeat.

Meredith feels her body awakening a bit, even if her mind still has trouble staying afloat. She looks at the pager in her hand, about the possibilities it will bring to her in the next three months and it’s hard not to gloat in front of the rest. Life is smiling down at her and maybe she should take it as a sign. It’s time to speak up and ask and face her fears of being rejected.

They’ve been friends with Addison for what feels like a lifetime, which in reality is four months. But friends like living together. Being roommates.

This is a good day. And a sign.

“Enjoy, Dr. Grey,” Miranda nods at the blonde with a tamed smile. “Go home. Y’all smell.”

On an upbeat step, Meredith walks away and ignores her colleagues who call out after her. Waving the sparkly pager in the air, she feels like walking on clouds.

She might have lost some of the battles, but she won the war.

---

It takes twelve minutes of parading around the hospital, holding tightly onto the pager in her hand she hides in her pocket to finally find Addison.

Sitting by the empty station, with open charts on her lap, Montgomery is scrolling something on the computer. Devoured by the focus on her task, she seems to be dead to the world around her and doesn’t notice Meredith approach her until she is right in front of her, leaning over the counter.

Yet the second Addison looks up, all of the focus evaporates and instead, there’s a beaming smile on her maroon lips and stars lighting up in her eyes.

“Mer, sweetheart,” Putting the charts onto the desk, she relaxes. “I wondered if you would show up today.”

“Was busy winning a contest and shading Izzie,” Meredith bites her bottom lip, feeling like a fool that just the pure presence of the redhead makes her bubbly with tenderness and affection like that.

So caught up in the contest in the past two weeks, she has missed Addison dearly.

“I missed you,” Addison stands up and leans her elbow on the counter, two of them watching three nurses pass by before looking at each other again.

“I missed you, too,” Mer keeps her voice low, just in case. “Lots.”

This is her moment.

Before Addie can say anything, she pushes herself into the position of finally talking, “So, I’ve been thinking…”

“Hm?” But as Addison hums with interest, her gaze skips down at the screen of the computer. It’s just a second, but Meredith is the expert at catching the micro-expressions and instead of continuing, she frowns.

“What are you looking at?” Meredith attempts to lean over the station and take a peek at the screen.

Addison hesitates for a moment before sighing, “Houses.”

“H-houses?”

Meredith hopes this isn’t what she believes it is.”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about getting all my things from New York before my stomach begins to look like a ball. I don’t have too much time,” Addison places her other hand on the gently rounded stomach; it seems incredible how one touch connects her to the core of peace and serenity. Meredith is in awe of it, even when she turns into a ball of anxiety now that her plans have been crossed off because Addie is looking for goddamn houses. “I need to have a place ready for when baby bee gets here, I can’t be stuck in a one-bedroom apartment, I have also Lexie to think of. But- I need to get back to work. Want me to walk you to the exit?”

“No, thank you. I’m…” Meredith takes a step back, feeling herself slipping away in the miscalculation. “I’m just gonna go.”

But before she manages to put her walls around her, Addison grabs her hand and pulls her back into her orbit. Never letting go, her warm fingers intertwining around her wrist.

“Hey! What did you want to talk about?” She asks, hoping to sound encouraging.

“It doesn’t matter,” Meredith feels like a complete fool. She hates how her brain makes her feel self-inflicted, while in reality, it’s always been the two of them as a team. They’re a team, she shouldn’t be closing off. “I’ve had a long day, so…”

“Don’t do this, Mer,” Addison moves her thumb calmingly. “Tell me.”

The gentle gaze brings her more serenity than any white flag could ever bring peace in a war.

“I just had a thought…” Meredith inhales and exhales loudly, hoping her hand doesn’t shake enough for Addison to feel it. She steps closer to the station. “Since Izzie moved out and I have a free room that maybe- Maybe you would want to move in. And I know you don’t want to leave Lexie behind, so Alex has been helping me to turn the attic into a comfy loft for her and I think it looks good. And I still have that storage room which can be turned into a nursery. But I know it’s stupid. You want to own a house, and mine is messy-”

“Hey. Hey, Mer, you’re rambling,” Addison lets go of her hand and raises her chin with the touch of her two fingers. Gently, not to scare her off.

“Sorry,” Meredith’s eyelashes flutter in embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I’m just really nervous about all of it.”

Fiddling with her fingers, she keeps her gaze down.

It’s hard to tell why the thought of rejection brings her such pain, it’s almost physical. Maybe because of the same exact reasons as abandonment does.

“I am moved that you thought of me, of this, really…” Addison says. “The thought crossed my mind once or twice, but I hated the idea of imposing on you. But I would love to, Meredith.”

Meredith’s eyes shoot up at a comical speed, wide open.

There have been many scenarios in her head of how this conversation would go, but none of them would include Addison being so enthusiastic about it.

“Are you for real?” It’s a mission impossible to gather her voice, but she manages to stutter out.

“Yeah!’ Addison cups her cheeks, squishing them a bit from all the affection. “Of course.”

“We could make it work,” Meredith ignores a surgeon passing by and looking at them weirdly. At that moment, she doesn’t care about any of it; anything that isn’t Addison Montgomery looking at her with such adoration and agreeing to move in. A beaming smile shows all of her teeth and imaginary scenes cross her mind - of all the memories they might create once Addison settles in.

“We are going to make it work,” Addison brushes her cheek. “If you’re sure. That’s going to be a big change. First, a pregnant lady twenty-four-seven with mood swings and constantly occupying the bathroom, making you and Alex throw out food that smells bad for her. Then, a constantly screaming baby.”

“I know,” God knows Meredith is the queen of overthinking and she has gone through every single one of those situations, of how life-changing it will be. She knows all of it and it changed nothing in the decision her heart made a long time ago. “I want all of it. Every single part of it. You’re my favourite person, even if you bought a house, I would be coming over every single day to help. And to see you.”

“Okay,” Addison nods, never stopping to smile as she takes in what has just happened. “Okay. We’re doing this then.”

Later, Meredith will blame it on the sudden burst of happiness streaming through her veins that made her do it.

She tiptoes because of the counter between them and Addison’s five-inch heels and presses a chaste kiss on Addison’s soft lips. Just as the panic is about to set in about poor life choices and make Meredith run into a wall just to faint and escape the consequences of her own actions, Addison kisses her back. It’s quick and her hands stay on her cheeks just to make sure to keep her close and kisses her, over and over again, pressing soft touches onto the pink lips.

Letting go of each other as they hear footsteps coming into their side of the hallway, they look at each other dazed. Surprised. Confused.

They are just friends who kiss accidentally, sometimes. Just that.

Neither of them speaks up, and the stars must be listening to Meredith’s prayers, making her new pager go off with a funny melody.

“Oh,” Meredith looks down at it. “I’m not going home then. A surgery!”

Poor life choices. Has she mentioned them before?

“What’s that?” Addison points at the diamonds covering the device.

“I won the sparkly pager!” Meredith chuckles, ignoring her body is slowly giving up from exhaustion, once the endorphins have washed away. It beeps again as if rushing her and she starts to run down the corridor. “See you later!”

“A sparkly what?” Addison says, more to herself than to the blonde that has already disappeared behind the corner.

She sits down, feeling a bit faint from standing for too long and looks at the computer screen. Without any hesitation, she turns off every single house offer she’s been browsing through.

Meredith's emptied frat house, waiting to fill it up with people again and make it come to life.

It’s been right under her nose all this time.

Notes:

what do we think??? about addison officially moving in with meredith??? u-hauling lesbians????
every feedback will be highly appreciated💗
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=1F87lbWaRnir81sece2hHQ&pi=e-o25RjtEPQAOd

Chapter 51: does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

Notes:

hi guys!!

i've noticed a lot of new readers joining me on this crazy ride recently and i'm so happy there are more of you here!! forever thankful for every single person who found this story and decided to stick around<3

about this chapter... I AM SO PUMPED GUYS. I'VE BEEN WAITING TO POST THIS FOR ETERNITY. last summer i had the privilege of visiting new york city for a week and it was probably the most beautiful and the best week of my life. i come from a small city in poland and let's just say my money usually doesn't allow me to make trips like this but somehow the universe allowed for this dream of mine to come true. i fell in love with new york city so much that once i was back home, i instantly starting writing these chapters (there will be 3). i loved writing every single word of this and our seattle gang is taking a three day trip to NYC!!

hope you enjoy this chapter<3 it's really special to me:)

(ALSO WE HIT 200K WORDS??????????? WOAH)

Being it Meredith’s second time on Montgomery’s fancy private jet, she is still as impressed as the first time.

The refined luxury of it, within the creme leather, hugging every single seat and lighting up the interior, yet keeping it without being too bright as the light streams through the round windows. Quite a hazard it becomes not to curl up in the plush chairs and take a nap for the second half of their flight across the country. The polished wood veneers and modern fixtures adorning the space are bathed in warmth and ambient soft lighting.

Forty thousand feet above the ground, the jet works so smoothly that no one can tell they’re so high, except for the ears plugging. Cutting-edge audio systems streaming music fill the space, in between conversations.

Two and a half hours, somewhere in the middle of the States, it seems like each of them relaxes in a way that Seattle doesn’t allow.

“I’ll have another one of these!” Mark is standing up in the middle of the floor, holding up an empty glass and raising it in the air, celebratory.

Except they do not have anything to celebrate.

The flight attendant appears from the front cabin, ready to take his glass and make another mimosa for Mark.

“Mark, no!” Several voices join together to stop him, but it doesn’t work.

“Mark, yes,” He tells his companions. Grinning from ear to ear he approaches the device connected to the speakers and plays Empire State of Mind for the fifth time during their flight, proud of his musical choices. “There’s no way I’m stepping into that city sober.”

Just like that, he begins to dance and vibe while singing mistaken lyrics far less similar than the actual ones.

Meredith cannot help herself but giggle - despite her being entirely sober, a choice not made by herself but by the medication she carries around with herself everywhere - because the whole idea of their trip is so unprepared and insane that it does ring unreal to her.

It started innocently enough: just her and Addison flying New York City for a week to pack everything up and have it sent through the entire length of the country, to be transported to Meredith’s frat house. (Even if it’s been a very long time since the frat house had anything close to its official name to reminisce a real frat house. Yet the name stuck and would forever stay this way.)

But then, they realised they did need a man to do most of the dirty work of carrying stuff. Meredith swore she could be the one who carried, forbidding Addison to pick up even anything slightly heavier.
“I am not sick,” Addison threw her hands up in the air, then waved them around her round stomach. “I am pregnant. And I’m a double board-certified OB/GYN, one of the best in the country and I know what’s good and bad for me. A little lifting won’t hurt me.”

“I know you’re not sick,” Meredith crossed her arms on her chest and shook her head, unforgiving. “But I won’t be a dickhead making a pregnant lady carry heavy stuff around. We need a minion.”

That’s how Mark ended up being tied into the trip without really being asked. Their little minion, even if he might not know this unofficial title of his.

Callie was an accident. She overheard their conversation about flying out in the early morning on Saturday and got so excited about the idea that Addison felt bad about not taking her with them - plus another pair of hands meant they didn’t have to stay a week, but three days total.

Then, Mark proposed to take Lexie as well, given she was mopping around the whole hospital with those sad big eyes. Addison and Meredith didn’t hesitate about it - but then they made the whole group shut up, just in case their expedition would end up being an orgy of a trip instead of moving across the country mission.

Five isn’t bad; five is just right to deal with things within a couple of days and enjoy themselves as well. A bit of sightseeing, eating in great places Addison still has contact to.

“Okay, I need to ask,” Lexie looks from Mark, still dancing, to Callie sitting across back to Mer and Addison on her right, by the other window. “What did go down in New York that you, Addison, and you, Mark, are so traumatised at the thought of going back there?”

Mark flops onto his seat next to Callie, tapping her head and downing the new mimosa in two gulps. Then, he points at Addison, “Red, you tell her.”

Meredith smiles at the nickname.

She can’t help herself but glue her eyes to the silky curls in this dark cherry wine shade Addison went back to a month ago. After a long time, the older woman started curling them in the very same manner she did the first day Meredith ever saw her; it’s chilling to remember that night of finding out what a fool she’d been made off by Derek. But what she remembers clearer is how hauntingly Addison looked in that furry coat and perfect hairstyle, looking somewhere between the devil and an angel, too.

So, if it wasn't for the fact Addison was sitting in front of her instead of next to her, she would tangle her hands into the curls and sniff them until she felt dizzy on the mysterious scent. Mix of that earthy flowery perfume and vanilla shampoo.

At the question, Addison sighs; not heavily, but rather reminiscing her last months in New York. She places her hands on her stomach, visible wearing a black fitting dress - twenty weeks in, halfway of the pregnancy, it’s impossible to hide the bump.

“Okay, Lexie. How much have you heard?”

“Well…” Lexie’s cheeks become rosy pink. “I don’t know anything really…”

Callie is holding back a burst of laughter when she raises an eyebrow at the younger Grey, “C’mon, Lex, don’t act dumb. The rumours spread like wildfire in our hospital.”

“Fine!” Lexie says and then rambles within the next sentence. “Is it true that you had a threesome?”

Mark howls with laughter and Callie bursts out, clapping her thigh and trying to catch a breath. Meredith turns a bit green from the idea of Addison being in bed with not one, but two men, but tries to keep her expression light; no one should know how uneasy the image of Addie in someone else’s arms makes her.

“I want that vision out of my head,” Meredith grumbles to herself.

“Not quite,” Addison manages to calm down, but the amusement is dripping from her tone and facial expression. “That would be an interesting event. Though… I’m pretty sure my ex-husband would be more interested in his best friend than in his wife.”

Meredith chuckles, mostly because of how red Mark gets. He outruns Lexie with his tomato-red cheeks and he waves his empty drink, asking for another one.

“Just tell me,” Lexie says, batting her eyelashes.

Of course, it works on Addison. When it comes to Lexie, she appears to have some magical abilities to bring Addison to do whatever she likes.

If looks could kill, Meredith’s half-sister would be lying dead on the floor. Or being thrown out of the window to do a freefall somewhere in Nebraska.

But before Addison might have her chance at confessing the sins of the past, Mark’s tongue gets loose after alcohol hits him in the head.

“I’ll put it simply: Red and I slept together. Derek came home. Got pissed. I ran. Addie was thrown out with a naked ass out of the house. Got let back in. Derek left for Seattle. And the rest is history.”

“Wow…” Lexie nods to herself, taking in the story.

“So, New York City is not the best place for me,” Addison shrugs. “But what can you do? Life goes on, people change, places aren’t what they used to be. Everything changes. Part of life, for the good and the bad.”

That’s the very core of life. Change.

When you look back at your whole life, that’s what you notice right away - everything you lose equals everything that changes. You lose people, you lose friendships and lovers, and then you make new friendship bracelets to wear on your wrist until the thread tears apart and makes the bead scatter around the floor. Each single loss is a step you take forward to evolve and become better. Then you make the next mistakes, that cost you people and places and months but you keep going; sometimes looking back and reminiscing, sometimes burning bridges and covering the old memories with smoke just not to see them.

There’s no reason to be afraid. Life is all we’ve got at the end of the day. No matter how bizarre and ridiculous it sounds.

“We can make new memories,” Lexie says. “To cover up the old ones.”

“Grey, honestly, you’re so pure and sweet sometimes I have a hard time believing you want to be friends with us,” Callie stares in wonder at the girl.

Lexie winks at her and Callie playfully bites her lip, the two of them in some sort of bubble.

“No!” Mark sits up straighter, hoping to burst it, given how unsettling the scene is. “No! No romance trip. No-no.”

“Mark, you cannot last an hour without flirting,” Meredith points out.

Then, she hits herself in the head internally for standing on the wrong side of the deal; she should be stopping this as well because Lexie is already brokenhearted. Going all hot with Callie Torres is not the answer here. Even if Mer does realise how hot Callie is.

What the hell is she even thinking about?

She needs to get her mind out of the gutter.

But a new drink arrives for Mark and after that, they all go back to their activities that do not include flirting, streaming the same song on repeat or remembering about cheating or ex-husbands. Ex-cheaters. Both.

Turning the music down, Addison settles back in her seat to finish her re-read of Niffenegger’s The Time Traveller’s Wife. Meanwhile, Meredith manages to pull her eager eyes away from Montgomery and stares outside the window. Passing the clouds, flying into them and seeing the sun shine so brightly up here it blinds her, Mer slowly dissociates, her body not feeling like hers anymore.

Unaware that Addison has just reached the paragraph that Mer underlined during the Hawaiian honeymoon, she feels a foot shaking her leg.

Wordlessly, Addison is showing the page to her.

Meredith leans in to read it, feeling a smile of melancholy creep onto her lips.

“I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going, and she cannot follow.”

As weird as those days were, stuck with Cristina grieving her almost-husband in that land of paradise, she misses Hawaii. She misses her coming out that went perfectly fine, she misses healing far away from Seattle and spending sunny days, photographing Cristina swimming with the turtles.

She misses how delicate was love for Addison was back then.

Now, it’s time-consuming, making her heart blossom to such a size it barely fits in her ribcage. It’s everything she is, the love she holds for every part of Addison Montgomery. Her hands that want only to hold her, her legs that want to run to her, her fingers that want to write her name in the sand, her eyes that want to watch her all the time. Her mouth wanting to kiss and worship her, her ears wanting to listen to her velvet voice. Everything within her adores that woman and everything within her will be forever devoted only to her.

Everything has changed.

Meredith half a year ago would be terrified and would attempt once again just to stop feeling. Now, she doesn’t even try to run. She is giving in.

“Today I am going, or you are going, and I’m following,” She grins, hoping her words bring happiness to Addison’s beautiful face.

They are.

“I’m glad,” Addison says softly.

“Me too.”

Staring mindlessly at Addison while she reads, her brain doesn’t even grasp the whispers from the other side of the jet.

But Mark’s unfocused hazy eyes find enough stability to focus on the scene unfolding between the pair. He might be below tipsy and if he tried to stand up, he would falter, but when it comes to lesbian lovers he never misses a thing.

“She is down so bad,” He murmurs into Torres’ ear, glancing at Lexie who has fallen asleep, snoring with her mouth open, totally unaware of the world around her. She deserves to rest after the pain she carries with her, and Mark smiles before turning back to his best friend. “You see? Remember when I told you before Yang’s wedding? Down so bad.”

“Yeah, Mark, you were right,” Callie rolls her eyes, lowering her voice. “They are lesbian lovers,” She mimics his voice. “You win.”

“Sapphic women,” Mark murmurs in wonder. “Sometimes I wish I was one instead of running after an emotionally unavailable man who is public enemy number one.”

“Your taste is… questionable.”

“Thanks,” Mark groans. “I didn’t know.”

But before they can continue on their bickering, which honestly, God knows how long could last - perhaps for the next two and half an hour left of their flight, Addison raises her head from the book again.

Addison’s entire face is an unpleased grimace, stormy look in her dark green eyes.

“Meredith Grey.”

“Uh-oh,” Mer’s eyebrows raise almost to her hairline as she smiles unsurely. “Am I in trouble?”

Quite frankly, she doesn’t remember most of the sentences she underlined in October, but of course, she must have been stupid enough to choose something enough to start a fire within Addison.

The redhead turns the book around, her finger pointed at one paragraph, tapping it angrily.

“You aren’t like that. You are good.”
Henry looks at my hand and disengages his, and draws me close, “I’m not good.”

Addison tilts her head, looking at her from her half-shut eyelids, “What does that even mean?”

“To my defence, it was before my vacation at the psych ward,” Meredith shrugs and raises her hands in a peaceful offering. “Many fucked up things happened. This is valid.” She points at the quote circled within a pencil.

“This,” Addison aggressively taps on the page. “Is,” Tap. “Not,” Tap. “Valid.” Tap.

They are going through an actual silent battle with their gazes. Addison is entirely pissed off and drowning in her fury, at the very thought of Meredith thinking less of herself; which, let’s be real, isn’t the most surprising thing about Meredith Grey. Dark and twisted are two words that perfectly sum her up for most of her friends; her reputation precedes her. But Meredith tries her best to send out a calming sign, a white flag waving in the air, because despite she still doesn’t find herself good, she tries.

Trying is the best she can do after everything that has happened to her since she started her intern year. And it ought to be valid in her eyes.

“Are you really fighting over a book?” Callie’s voice cuts through the tension arising in the air.

Mark shakes his head and mumbles under his breath, “Sapphic women…”

“This is not just a book,” Addison snaps.

“Addie, c’mon,” Meredith attempts to ease down her irritation. “It was months ago.”

“I got my eye on you.”

“I know.

Yet the discussion turns into something bigger, with Callie trying her best to understand why fight about underlined sentences. It makes Mark sober when he has to listen to three women argue about words on paper, and he is too caught up in trying to understand their arguments while slumbering in alcohol buzzing in his veins. He always swore he didn’t like reading, especially fiction because there were better things - drinks, sex, surgeries.

Their elevated voices don’t make him want to read any more.

Reading is supposed to be calm, right? Not this full-blown-on tangle of voices and constant cutting each other in half.

Then, Lexie’s eyes flutter open and it takes her thirty seconds to awaken and join the discussion.

“I miss reading,” She says, and somehow her participation turns it into a peaceful conversation. “I used to read all the time, between exams and midterms and meeting with friends. I had four shelves filled with books back at… back in my family house. I didn’t take any, I wasn’t thinking clearly, that wasn’t the priority. But I miss them.”

“We can go book shopping,” Addison smiles. “There are so many good bookstores in the neighbourhood of my old house. Every genre you can think of.”

“I would kill for a copy of The Hunger Games,” Lexie says, voice dreamy. “I had one back home and the second part is supposed to come out this year.”

“You? And The Hunger Games?” Mark cannot help himself but ask, eyes opened with surprise.

“It’s a very good book,” Lexie says. “Yes, mostly I prefer romance and lighter topics because I believe books are the perfect escape from reality, but Games show every shade of humanity. How ugly it can get, but also how much good can survive in people in the worst of situations. It’s a good book. Everyone should read it. Plus, Peeta Mellark is my boyfriend.”

“You have an imaginary boyfriend?” Meredith scoffs, perhaps being a bit too harsh given how intertwined she sometimes gets pulled into fake stories. “Who is a fictional character?”

“Well, my not imaginary girlfriend left me, so…”

“Yikes,” Callie chuckles.

“I’m buying five copies of that book,” Addison announces. “And once we’re flying back, we will all read it on the way home in the jet.”

Mark shakes his head, “I’m not reading.”

But being faced with four stubborn gazes staring daggers at him, Mark knows he can talk as much as he wants and object countless times. But these women in his life, they never let someone get away without achieving what they want. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

---

After landing at John F. Kennedy International Airport, Mark - sobered up and clear-headed just as eleven strikes the clock and lunchtime hits them after early breakfast before dawn - becomes the dad of the group. Holding their passports and leading them through the enormous halls, four of the women follow him and share secret jokes behind his back. He hears them all, but ignores it, finally feeling like he has a mission in this trip.

A private driver in a big black van with darkened windows is waiting for them between the cabs. After putting the suitcases into the trunk, they all get into their seats and begin their journey through the traffic of the busy New York streets; no one is fazed when Mark asks the driver to put on a different radio station and they are hit with Jay-Z and Alicia Keys’ pop hit.

There’s a certain magic about that city. The colourful puzzle of people, different backgrounds and different goals, different histories and different dreams. As much as bad memories linger in the air, even Addison falls captivated when they pass by skyscrapers and historic places, iconic spots that everyone writes down on their bucket list to see.

All the while daytime in NYC is soul-consuming and she loves the hour when people gather in coffee shops on corners of every single street and where runners take their daily jogging in Central Park, there’s something magical about when the moon appears in the sky. It’s always blinded by the lights and by the music playing from the venues and tipsy people celebrating life. To be in Times Square at midnight always has been for her like coming to life, like realising that being alive comes down to this one thing. To the dazzling kaleidoscopes of lights, urban spectacles and the perpetual glow of the magnitude of billboards that rival daylight. A surreal landscape where everybody, even if only for a second, finds a reason to stay.

She might have lived in New York for years, but she never got tired of it. She always has loved that city with every heartbeat and pulsation of blood in her veins. It used to be her place, actually hers. Even now, after a year of living in Seattle, not really by personal choice and now it’s too far gone to run away from there and start a new life, or revive an old one, she remembers certain streets step by step. They could place her in one of the familiar neighbourhoods and Addison would recite every building with closed eyes.

Everywhere she goes, she is still New York.

Charmed by what used to be her daily routine, she sticks her nose to the window and watches in silence. Her brain barely registers that Meredith puts her chin on her shoulder and stares outside the same window, interlacing their fingers in Addison’s lap.

It takes them almost an hour to finally arrive in Upper East Side, Manhattan, but once they do…

“Here we go,” Addison announces as the five of them stand on the stairs, shivering in their coats while she fiddles with the keys.

It’s weird the door isn’t rusted. It’s been a long time since anyone lived here and a part of her expected for the building to crumble down and fall into ruin. Yet, it is standing as it was back in 2007 and she puts the key in, turning it.

“We need to exorcise this place,” Callie says when they stumble inside to run from the shaking cold of snow melting into ice. “The dust will choke and suffocate us before we manage to pack three boxes.”

“It’s not that bad…” Lexie tries to keep her usual positive self but then she inhales and begins to cough. It takes three smacks on the back from Meredith before her sister manages to get herself to breathe again.

“Let’s first settle who is sleeping where, and then we will start cleaning,” Addison drops her suitcase by the staircase. “And after cleaning, we’re getting to work.”

Given she is the boss of this trip, everybody listens and while she shows Callie, Lexie and Meredith around, Mark carries their baggage upstairs.

He chooses the guest bedroom for himself and Callie, saying he needs a roommate to keep the demons of past mistakes away.

“I’m not sleeping with you, Sloan,” She tells him but leaves her belongings right where he has chosen for them. He grins and tries to reassure her this is entirely platonic bed-sharing because he is a changed man and hasn’t slept with anyone in six days. Which, doesn’t seem to be true, yet all of them give up on arguing about it.

Lexie says she is fine staying alone on the same floor as Addison’s master bedroom which she’s sharing with Meredith, choosing a small office room with a twin bed. Just like that they are settled and after a quick walk to the store nearby, Mer and Mark come back with all the cleaning supplies they need for this place to bounce back to its all old glory.

With every dusted-off room and shining surface, the Brownstone residency is coming back to life, revived, its heart beating again. Beginning with the top floor, they move down the stairs until all of them end up in the luxurious living room, where Addison seems to stop and stare every other second as if wondering about something.

In reality, she is doing her best not to crouch down from how her head is spinning.

The dizziness is overcoming, with her eyes seeing black spots as her vision gets blurred. Her legs begin to tingle in a way suggesting they are about to give out and one moment she is standing and then-

“Red!” Two strong hands catch her under her armpits and pull to sit on the edge of the couch. “Are you okay?”

“Addie?” Lexie’s voice reaches her from somewhere on the right but she still can’t see clearly, eyes blurring.

Blinking furiously, Addison cannot find her voice for a moment. Her legs lose the feeling and her body feels so heavy that she sinks into the leather couch, tilting her head back and beginning to exhale and inhale rhythmically.

“Bring me some water,” She manages to finally form words.

Footsteps are rushing to the kitchen and with eyes closed, she listens to the water from the tap fill up a glass before it’s shoved into her hand.

She drinks and this time when she opens her eyes, she can see again.

Two worried faces are right in front of her and she is glad it’s Lexie and Mark. Because Meredith is going to go all insane when she finds out, and Callie can be the same so…

But before she can feel gratitude, she hears the two mentioned go down the stairs and head right into the living room. It’s too late pretending nothing ever happened, so Addison sighs and downs the water in a few quick gulps.

“You’re not going to clean now,” Mark tells her, sitting on the carpet by the couch with a hand on her knee. His face shows all the worry in the world. “Sit your ass down and watch a movie or some shit. Callie can keep you company to one of those reality TV shows.”

“Callie can what?” Torres walks in, eyebrows furrowed in question.

“Addison has a ban on cleaning for now,” Mark says and stands up with a groan, straightening his back. ”It’s gonna be Lex, Mer and I doing the rest of the work.”

“And why is that?”

Meredith walks as she is carrying the vacuum cleaner, ready to finish up the rest of the job but she drops it instantly, seeing how white Addison is on her face. She passes the rest of the group by and crouches in front of Addie, eyes growing with dripping worry, placing one hand on the pale cheek.

“What happened?” She asks, scared by how cold the skin is and how cloudy Addison’s gaze is, unable to focus. “Are you okay?”

“She’s alright, she just needs to rest,” Lexie says, trying to be gentle because everybody knows clearly by now that Meredith Grey might get psychotic if there’s anything bad happening to Addison. “I think it’s too much work, so we can finish it up alone.”

“I’m fine, Grey,” Addison sighs but leans her cheek into the soft touch. “Go to work. I have just taken too much physical work after a long time without it. I don’t get so tired at the hospital. But here I did. I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Meredith cannot let go easily.

The thought of Addison hurting herself with exhaustion… Hurting baby bee… Losing her…

Tears fill up her eyes before she can realise.

“I am sure, I swear,” Addison’s pupils widen when she sees the emotion in the ocean eyes. It breaks her heart that she made Meredith cry. “Sweetheart, I’m going to be okay. Callie is going to sit with me and make sure I don’t go crazy cleaning lady again.”

“Yeah,” Callie drops onto the couch next to Montgomery. “I’m the guardian now.”

“Okay,” Meredith wipes a tear that runs down her cheek quickly, hoping no one notices before standing up. “Okay.”

But as soon she and Mark are in the kitchen, far away not to be heard, especially with the 65-inch TV blasting the beginning song of one of Addison’s favourite reality shows, she pulls him to question him about what happened. Second through second Mark explains to her the whole scene five times before she nods, satisfied.

She is not herself, though, unable to joke around and hum to the music. Not when the thought of losing Addie and her child rings in her mind like a never-stopping morning alarm. It makes her flinch to even imagine such a scenario.

She can’t lose Addison.

Not now.

Not ever.

---

Just as they are finished with the job, Lexie proposes to go to the nearest Starbucks and comes back with a handful of sweet drinks and treats for everyone. With the same show still streaming on the TV, they gather around the big L-shaped beige couch to eat and talk nonsense.

Hoping to be as sneaky as she wishes, Addison excuses herself to the toilet. She needs a moment alone, just to reminisce and remember the good moments. These bad as well. The over a decade she spent in here, deepening her bond with her husband and creating a beautiful life for themselves until it all shattered on the floor.

She needs a moment to be her old self.

Just standing on the second floor, she enters the office and stares in awe at the collection of her books. The entire wall is covered with them, papercovers and hardcovers - her fingers run against the backs. Feels like home, yet not at all. Because right now her home is built out of two icy cold eyes that emanate warmth that goes against any physical law and a pair of lovable lips, and layered blonde hair pulled into a high ponytail.

And her home follows her like a ghost, despite being entirely silent. Addison still knows someone is standing behind her.

“It’s gonna be quite a challenge to fit all of them into my library,” Meredith says, leaning against the first part of the bookshelf, right by the door.

“There’s always room for more books,” Addison smiles and turns around, a patient genuine smile on her dark lips. “Windowsills, nightstands, under the bed. I’m creative.”

“I bet.”

It’s refreshing, to hear teasing and playfulness in Meredith’s voice, instead of that deep heartbreaking concern. They share a smile that has thousands of meanings behind it, but only two of them can decipher what it means.

“The house is beautiful,” Meredith says and begins to make a stroll around the room, touching the heavy wooden furniture. Despite being used for years before the house’s residents moved out, every single piece of furniture is in perfect state, not wearing signs of usage. “Not quite what I imagined in my head all those months, but it’s lovely. Truly.”

“It is,” Addison’s sigh is overflowing with memories. Presuming from the tone of her voice, it’s those happy ones. When she is caught staring at Meredith, she cannot even pretend not to be guilty. Instead, she cannot help herself but run a couple of days back in her mind, to their chaste kiss. Then, she smiles shyly; because Mer reads through her like an open book and probably guesses where her head has wandered. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Stop staring at me with those bewitching eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” Meredith asks. So forthrightly. She knows what Addison has been thinking about.

What eyes?

It’s like they’re having two conversations - one verbal, one with stolen glances.

But maybe she overheard it, “What?”

“You’re so goddamn pretty,” Meredith bites her bottom lip, her entire face screaming out how enchanted she is. “Can I kiss you?”

The answer is clear. Addison never had a choice in it; her entire self, body and soul know what’s going to be her answer and don’t want to wait.

“Yes-” Addison takes her fate into her own hands and without waiting, crosses the distance between them, cupping Mer’s face in her hands. “Please.”

To meet her halfway, Meredith has to stand on her toes. It makes Addison smile right into their kiss.

With lips touching softly, it’s gentle and sweet. No darkness that their previous love affairs always brought in, included in their already complicated lives. The anticipation hangs in the air like delicate threads, weaving a tapestry of vulnerability and real connection.

The time feels like in suspension, stopping when they kiss.

Meredith’s fingers settle on Addison’s waist, pulling her in, closer and closer until there’s no space between them. She still stays gentle, remembering about the curved bump that presses into her abdomen and her nails graze the fabric of Addison’s black dress. The air crackles with energy when Addie, still cradling her face with tenderness and a magical touch of healing, lets her fingers trace the sharp contours of Mer’s jaw.

What a sensation it is, to fall for somebody while being in their arms. Doesn’t happen often since the world rarely gives two people an opportunity to be right for each other at the right time, but this does feel like a chance like that.

Maybe it’s insane, but instead of butterflies, there’s a whole goddamn zoo in Meredith’s stomach. Her senses are hazy, overstimulated with the mysterious florals of Addie’s perfume and how soft her lips feel, moving slowly yet sensually against her. Just when she feels her tongue slipping into her mouth, to deepen this dance of theirs in a way they have never before, Addison jumps away from her.

“Hi- I-” Lexie stands in the doorway, with the door left open because they’ve been too caught up with each other to even remember about that. “Am I interrupting? Should I leave?”

“No!” Addison brushes her finger beneath her nose, clearly trying her best to hide amusement along with embarrassment. “No. What is it, Lexie?”

“Mark found us a reservation somewhere at Hudson Yards at the top floor restaurant,” Lexie’s eyes are jumping on both of them, having a hard time deciding where she should keep her gaze. But the smile on her face, the one she tries to cover up so hard? It’s one of the sweetest things.

“We will join you in a minute,” Addison tells her.

Mer nods, “Yeah. Sounds great.”

Lexie steps back but then stops, lingering.

“Do you need anything else?” Meredith asks her in a way of saying - please, don’t make me hate you again because you’re being… a cock-blocker of some sorts.

“Meredith… you have Addison’s lipstick smeared around your lips.”

“Oh.” She begins to nervously try to take off any marks of what happened seconds before off her face. “Thanks.”

Lexie removes herself from the scene, her footsteps echoing in the staircase and one look at Mer’s ashamed expression makes Addison burst out laughing. It’s so loud and vigorous it can probably be heard all the way downstairs but she cannot help herself.

If that’s one of the memories they’re remaking on this trip, Addie much prefers kissing Meredith all over the place than her ex-husband. In every room possible, if that can be done as intimately and unnoticeably as possible.

---

They call for a cab instead of Addison’s private driver because Lexie talks them into driving the yellow taxi as one of the parts of the whole experience. She doesn’t mind sitting in the trunk where the one additional seat is placed and babbles about the places they’re passing without remorse and the rest four of them, along with the driver are listening to her. It’s torture, for sure, given how many words in one second younger of Greys can recite.

Especially when it’s a long drive, almost half an hour through Central Park, Upper West Side and Hell’s Kitchen.

“She is like Eminem,” Mark says, glancing back from his seat in the middle of the backseat. “You’re like Eminem, Little Grey. Ever thought of a rapper career instead of a surgeon?”

“I don’t want to make Eminem lose his job,” She shoots right back at him. Her high mood is questionable, given how badly she’s been handling her breakup with Amelia, but perhaps the change of the localization brings back her old vibrancy. “I’m fine sticking with surgery.” But then, she looks outside and goes back to her never-ending speech. “Did you know that Lincoln Square is the location of the last work of architect Louis Sullivan?”

Addison sitting on the passenger’s seat at the front is having a blast watching tightly squeezed Meredith, Mark and Callie in the mirror. She doesn’t mind Lexie’s fun facts, since she always gets them while she lets the girl scrub in with her, but the rest of them seem to have a hard time getting used to it.

When they arrive at the place - a twenty-five storeys hotel along with a five-star restaurant at the very top, reflecting the city lights as the sun hides behind the horizon - they all look excited.

Walking into the building, Meredith can’t help but nudge Mark before asking, “How did you find us a reservation so quickly for tonight?”

They enter the elevator.

“I still have some useful connections in the city,” Mark smirks.

“He slept with the owner,” Addison cuts in.

It takes five seconds for Sloan to give it up and shrug, “Sure as hell I did.”

They get one of the best tables, right by the window which takes up the entire wall with a view for the entire city stretching out beneath them. With the finish of the dusk, the sky is painted in all the colours humanity has ever seen it in. Sitting around the table, they begin browsing through the menus and begin with ordering a bottle of Moet & Chandon champagne, along with one lavender lemonade.

“What are we toasting?”

“Little Markinia or Mark Junior,” Callie says without a flick.

A wide smile blooms on Addison’s lips before she realises this might be the perfect moment to share the news of her newest USG.

“It’s a girl,” She says and the whole table comes loose with frenzy and commotion.

“Oh my God! Addie!” Callie stands up to bring her into her arms, squeezing tightly Addison in the hug before glancing at Meredith who is just grinning. “Grey knew, didn’t she?”

“Yay!” Lexie’s voice cuts through before an argument can start about Meredith being spotted once again. Clasping excitedly, she buries the fight before it may begin, basically jumping in her seat like crazy.

Mark stands up to press a kiss on Addison’s forehead before happily dropping in his seat.

“So,” Meredith barely keeps her voice from wavering in laughter. “Little Markinia it is.”

“Mer, honey, I swear to God if you join Mark in that-”

“Wait!” Mark begins to look through the sleeves of his jacket hanging onto the backrest of his chair. “I brought a camera-”

“I got it,” Lexie reaches for her bag and pulls out the device, smiling from ear to ear. “I’m going to ask someone to take a picture of us. As a memento.”

At the perfect moment, the waiter approaches them again ready to take their orders and they hire him into the job of being their photographer. Looking a bit taken aback, he agrees and deals with their detailed instructions of what to do, he waits until they settle in peace in their positions.

Meredith and Addison stay seated next to each other, just moving their chairs closer. Mark stands in the middle between the two of them, leaning down just a bit higher than their heads. Lexie on the left and Callie on the right, squished together, the five of them grinning like fools straight at the camera, unblinking.

“Say cheese!” The waiter says, a bit helplessly.

“Cheese!”

And for one short night, everything’s perfect.

Wide smiles, full hearts and chins up, ready for the future. That’s the memory each one of them is going to remember when the walls crumble down and the thunder rumbles above their heads. When a new storm is going to take over Seattle.

Notes:

i would love to hear your thoughts about this chapter<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=f9a4432827fe4d55
AND find my instagram if you want to see me spam random music lyrics on my story daily: @valfem_

Chapter 52: to be young and in love in new york city

Notes:

hiii!!

it's time for new york city trip part 2, including gays gaying, meredith being the best sister, addison having secrets and the gang going on a ferry cruise. honestly this has been so much fun. editing these NYC chapters makes me wanna go back there sooooo badly. definitely my favourite city out of all that i have ever visited.

i didn't update last week because i relapsed pretty badly in my mental illness and had to pick myself back up, but i'm very much back in the game. i hope the wait for chapter wasn't too long:)

hope you enjoy reading this<333

The other side of the bed is already cold when Addison rolls over, awakening.

Instantly when she turns onto her left side, she can feel the familiar fluttering inside of her which over time turns into uncomfortable kicking. Ever since baby bee grew bigger and gathered enough strength to make her remind her of its existence, Addison cannot sleep on her left side. Her kid despises that, so in three weeks she hasn’t spent a night that wasn’t on her right side. Eventually on her back, if baby bee was merciful enough.

So, she rolls back onto her back, kicking the bedsheets to the foot of the bed and stretching out her limbs.

Most of her energy is back, she can tell deep in her bones. Yesterday’s storm of feelings brought by the return to New York City played with her power to do this, but she has slept it over.

It’s a shame Meredith isn’t here, though.

Her hand stays still at Mer’s side of the bed, mind going back to last night when the two of them fell asleep intertwined. Legs tangled and Meredith’s palm resting on the bump which made Addison’s pyjamas top roll up, exposing the stretched skin - the entire atmosphere, along with Callie, Lexie and Mark’s voices carrying up the staircase and reaching their door left ajar caused her to fall asleep with ease.

She hoped to find Meredith still in bed with her. Just to pull her in and feel the warmth of her petite body.

It makes sense why she’s not here once she glances at the screen of her phone lying on the nightstand.

“Shit,” Addison scrambles up, a bit too quickly. Her head spins, so she waits through the worst of it before sliding her feet onto the cold oak panels. “It’s so late.”

Her sleep must be really deep as she didn’t hear her alarm go off; or rather all eight of them. She storms into the bathroom by the master bedroom and pulls herself together. Dressed in her favourite grey pantsuit pairs of trousers she still fits into only because of their low-raise and comfy woollen white cardigan, it’s always her small type of ritual. Preparing herself for the day, no matter if late or too early, or sick or in health, just watching herself in the mirror while putting on carefully chosen makeup products and brushing her locks from yesterday into a bun on top of her head with a couple of loose strands curling around her features. Her rite to get in the right mood.

It comes as a surprise to find all of her friends surrounded by her belongings on the floor and every surface possible. Boxes are opened everywhere, along with five closed and put one on top of the other in the corner of the living room.

Meredith and Lexie are carefully taking the DVD movies collection that takes up two columns reaching almost the ceiling and placing them in a box signed with black marker. Conversing quietly, they do look quite at peace with each other - it makes Addison smile because she wanted this from the very beginning. For Meredith to have an actual family, even if it’s only a half-sister.

Callie is in the doorway between the living room and dining room, packing the ornamental chine, and cocooning each piece in paper towels before settling them down in such order not to break them.

But it’s Mark that amuses Addie the most, when he is on his knees, leaning into the credenza’s lowest shelf. He looks like a raccoon digging for trinkets, especially with his big height trying its best to curl inside and pull everything out.

“Wow,” Addison finally speaks up, lingering at the lowest of stairs. “How long have you been awake?”

They have done such a tremendous job only in the morning, she has to admit.

“Me and Lexie, maybe two hours,” Meredith says. Standing on her toes she attempts to reach another of the movie packages.

“Mark and I forty minutes,” Callie says about to close the box. She reaches for the marker on the coffee table and signs the carton. “We made breakfast, it’s in the kitchen. Your portion probably needs to be heated up but it’s still fresh.”

Without a warning, Mark jumps out of the credenza with a victorious shout, holding up a big heavy folder in the air, “Look what I found!”

It doesn’t take a second for Addison’s heart to skip. She knows what it is right away. Before she decided to take a leap and fly to Seattle to get her husband back, she looked for it, just to bring old memories and prove to her it’s worth saving. She tried to talk herself into the decision, yet the week before going to the west coast, she couldn’t find it for the love of God.

“Is that the med school photo album?” She asks, finally stepping into the room.

“Hell yeah!”

After preparing five cups of steaming green tea and warming up the scrambled eggs for Addie, they gather on the fluffy carpet. Moving the coffee table aside to make some room, they keep the photo album on Lexie’s lap who is sitting in the middle.

Paging through it, the entire past life both Addison and Mark had here comes to life.

“We got locked in that night in the library,” Mark points at the photograph of a poorly taken selfie.

With Addison sitting on the edge of a long table, next to five enormous textbooks that surround Derek, Meredith recognises Naomi and Sam standing behind Shepherd and flipping Mark off, who is holding the camera and attempting to take a picture. All of them look younger, faces not wearing as much fatigue and weariness - already growing into adults, yet still looking playful.

“Our first year, pre-exams of the second semester,” Addison says, voice echoing with melancholy. “We were so caught up in studying that they locked us up. I have no idea how. Usually, they checked every corner but we were so quiet, that they just closed it. And Mark decided it’s the best opportunity to do pictures.”

“I carried a camera with me everywhere back then,” Mark chuckles, nodding. “Totally worth it. Red looks hot.”

“Nothing unusual,” Meredith points out.

“And this?” Callie’s finger lands on the next page. “What’s happening here?”

Mark’s charismatic grin shot at the camera lens is quite a contrast to the grey cadaver he is dissecting, while Addison is rolling her eyes at him cutting her own dead body. Derek is standing on Addison’s other side, eyebrow furrowed in focus as he is opening the chest, his hand burrowed inside the cadaver. Three musketeers during their class.

“I would call it anatomy lab shenanigans,” Mark sums up.

They get lost in time, turning page by page, and all five of them forget about the packing and running on little time to do it. There are so many pictures - of more late-night study sessions, white coat ceremony, every milestone and achievement, going out to bars and clubs, first hospital rounds and conferences they lured their way into. But they stop when one of the most charming pictures of Addison appears five pages before the end of the album.

Addison’s hair is much longer and darker - not her ginger red, but rather a mahogany shade of it. In classic waves, reaches way past her chest, half-updo holding the top of her hair while letting several strands curl under her chin. Her makeup is flawless, shining but kept matte enough and making her facial features pop out in the most highlighting and graceful way.

And her figure in the wedding dress…

The creation of a mermaid cut, with long sleeves and made of satin covered with one thin dashing layer of tulle gives to the charm. Off-shoulder dress shows Addison’s collarbone; one golden necklace graces her neck and two long hanging earrings glitter between her hair.

She looks like a princess.

How could Derek ever let go of her?

How could anyone ever have a woman like that walking down the aisle for them and decide to throw it away?

“Damn, girl,” Callie lets out a whistle. “If I were present at the wedding I would be the one to interrupt it.” Then she turns to Mark, deeply confused. “How could you let her marry that asshole?”

“I was being a good best friend,” Mark shrugs. “But I’m not going to lie and say the thought didn’t cross my mind.”

“I hope I look as beautiful at my wedding,” Lexie says, dreamily before she crashes back onto earth. “If my future partner doesn’t decide to leave me at the altar…”

One of the corners of Addison’s mouth curls up, but her eyes don’t land on any of them. Her eyes, when they rise from the picture, are set only on Meredith, who is already looking at her. Even when they continue to browse through the photo album, the two of them just look at each other.

“You looked stunning,” Mer mouths, hoping that the rest of the group not catch up on it. “Still do.”

This smile that creeps onto Addie’s lips is like a sunrise. Lighting up the entire room.

---

Realising they’ve been slacking on their job, they leave the journey down memory lane and put it into one of the boxes. There’s no time, given it’s almost midday of their second day and they still have some left to do before tomorrow’s afternoon when the U-haul truck comes to get all of the belongings and transport them to Washington.

But even with that one-hour break, they’re going to finish up just in time. Even if they take another break to sightsee and visit some places - to continue the re-making of memories with the camera that Lexie and Mark bring everywhere.

It brings up some questions about the friendship the two of them have found themselves in but when Addison catches Lexie on the staircase, she has not a second to ask.

The brunette catches her wrist and pulls her up the stairs, determination on her face.

“Addison,” She whispers, trying to pull her attending into the closest room. “Come here.”

“Lexie, what’s happening right now?” Addison’s voice is at normal volume and she gets shushed instantly before landing into the bathroom that Grey pulls her into.

“Listen…” Lexie relaxes for a moment before her shoulders tense again. “I probably shouldn’t and if Meredith found out, she would throw a fit and stone me to death, but since we’re here, in New York, I mean…”

Addison crosses her arms on her chest and sighs, “I see where this is going.”

“She still hasn’t answered Derek, has she?”

Addison brushes her forehead and then catches the bridge of her nose between her two fingers, as imaginary migraine begins to pulsate her head. Going behind Mer’s back is not a favourite idea for her, not when they’ve built such trust in their bond but she also understands Lexie’s longing and concern and all the emotions that tangle themselves into love.

“No,” Addison drops her hands, admitting the truth. “She has not.”

“Aren’t you worried about her?” Lexie asks, exasperated.

“Of course, I am,” Addison instantly says, not even hesitating. How could she not be worried about Amy? She was the person who helped her in the pains of adolescence and growing up, explaining to her the changes female bodies go through and always being there, answering every uncomfortable question. Doing her hair for prom, choosing the dress and shoes with her, borrowing her jewellery. Raising that girl into a young woman. Like an older sister, or maybe even a mother figure. Either way, Addison Montgomery would forever feel responsible for Amelia. “She is my sister, I keep thinking about her all the time. Lexie, you see, she does have a very dark past, so I get where she’s coming from trying to protect you.”

“Addison, please,” Lexie steps towards her, eyes big and begging. “Take me to her house.”

A beat.

Then, a loud sigh.

“Meredith is going to kill me for this.”

“No, she isn’t,” For the first time in this conversation, Lexie’s tone turns more frisky. “You’re her entire world, she isn’t physically able to hurt you. She will probably get mad but I don’t think there’s a single thing in this world that she wouldn’t forgive you for.”

Addison stares at Lexie in wonder for a longer while before letting go, “Fine.”

“Really?”

Hope breaks into bloom in her brown eyes.

“Yes,” Addison opens the door and walks into the corridor. “Let me handle it.”

---

Three faces are looking up with suspiciousness in their eyes when Addison is putting on her furry black coat, Lexie standing behind her all dressed up.

“We’re going for a little stroll around,” Addison says, hoping that the rest of the group will let go, keeping her voice as natural as possible. “I need some fresh air and I’m going to buy us the books. Are you alright with packing the rest of the stuff downstairs?”

It’s not like they would even let her work, given what happened yesterday. They’re just losing one pair of hands for work but Addie sees through the situation - they wouldn’t let her go alone. It’s a win-win. They have to let her go with Lexie, without doing a questioning.

“Yeah,” Callie is the first to answer, her stare jumping from unmoved Addison to Lexie who is making weird faces.

The fact about the younger of Greys is that she does have a terrible inability to keep calm with a poker face when she hides something. Not exactly subtle, so she escapes with her eyes not to look at anyone, selling her and Addie out.

“See you later, then,” Addison breaks into a coy smile.

Lexie waves her hand and follows Addison to the exit like a lost puppy, ignoring the burning stare on her back.

“That was disconcertingly easy,” She whispers once they’re out of the door, still keeping quiet just in case.

There is a possibility she has developed some sort of paranoia. Months ago, even, back when she lived in her family house, where the demons were louder and more violent. That makes her remember her mom, out of a sudden.

While Addison takes them to the closest coffee shop, she is deep in her thoughts reminiscing, remembering the promise she made to Susan to go to New York for her thirtieth birthday, just the two of them on a mother-and-daughter trip. She even started saving up to get a room in Manhattan in one of the fanciest hotels, to make it all special. But the universe took it away from her, decided six more years weren’t in the cards for her mom and they never got here.

The hot chocolate, juju as Addison’s voice rings somewhere in the back of her mind, warms up her cold hands as she sips on it, waiting for their ride.

During their drive throughout the neighbourhoods, one word slips from her lips and it turns into an entire conversation about Susan. Lexie’s heart longs for stories about her mom, never feeling the hole in her soul filling up with those scenes and moments. She drinks up the story about Susan and Thatcher coming over for dinner to Meredith’s place, about how caring the woman became for Mer while Lexie was away in med school. It’s not enough - it will never be, not when her mom is on the other side and only once Lexie is old and withered to die and join her can see her again - but it’s something.

Fifteen minutes and one stop at a bookstore later, they are standing in front of white marble stairs leading up to a matching white birchen-carved door.

“The difficult part starts now,” Addison says quietly.

Climbing up the stairs, Lexie follows in her steps immediately. Addison knocks on the door, and for half a minute they’re left hanging and waiting. With a hand raised to knock again, the sound of turning locks resounds and the door opens widely.

Caroline Shepherd is standing at the door, face expressing all phases of surprise when she looks at her guest.

“Addie!”

“Mrs Shepherd,” Addison finds herself smiling, not quite believing how long it has been since she saw her ex-mother-in-law. “Hello.”

“What are you doing here?” Caroline’s gaze is focused on her, but they do take one peek behind her back, where Lexie is hovering, a bit shy.

“I was in the neighbourhood and I thought I’d pop in. I brought a friend,” Addison steps to the side and tilts her head towards the younger of Greys. Lexie waves her hand in the air and smiles sweetly if a tad nervously. “Do you mind?”

“Come in, sweetheart,” Caroline grins and steps back so they may come inside.

The door falls shut to cut them off the winter wind, and Lexie curiously looks around the hallway. There are family pictures on the walls and stairs leading upstairs, everything in nice taste, but not how she imagined Amelia’s childhood household to look. She tries to check if she can find her younger version in the photographs, but fails.

“Hi, I’m Lexie Grey,” She stretches her hand out, doing her most polite shake. “Nice to meet you.”

“Oh, Lexie,” Caroline takes her hand and covers it with the second palm, eyes widening in understanding. “You’re the Lexie, aren’t you?”

“Well, um… yes.”

Before that conversation can go in the very wrong direction, Addison steps in and speaks up, “We’re actually coming because we would love to see Amelia.”

Caroline laughs - it makes both of the women flinch - and shakes her head, “You won’t catch her here,” She seems to be a bit bitter over it, but doesn’t explain further, just nods at them. “Please, take off your coats, come sit for a moment. I’ll make tea or coffee, whatever you like.”

Addison and Lexie in silence ignore the fact of having just drunk hot chocolate, they begin to strip down of their thick layers. When Grey takes the furry coat from Addison’s hands and hangs it on the wall, Caroline doesn’t cover up her gasp of surprise.

Following her gaze, Addison realises with amusement she’s uncovered herself enough.

“Don’t worry,” She cracks a goofy smile at her. “It’s not your son’s. Or Mark’s in that matter.” She palms her round belly with precious care and protection.

Her response makes Caroline chuckle and then she points down the corridor, “Follow me.”

They settle in the sitting room on the beige sofa, while Caroline takes her seat at the fluffy giant armchair across the coffee table between them. With steaming cups of black tea, they fall into the affable small talk of the weather and the reasonings for the trip to New York City, Lexie sips quietly her hot drink until she cannot stay silent any longer.

“Mrs Shepherd,” She says when a perfect break happens between Addison and Caroline’s conversation. “Is… Amelia going to be here today?”

“I doubt that.”

“Where is she?” Addison decides to take over, seeing how Lexie’s pale hands shake. “What happened?”

“What Hurricane Amelia usually does,” Caroline purses her lips. “She stormed in, turned everything upside down and disappeared, leaving a havoc.”

“Was she… sober?”

Lexie cannot cover her shocked expression upon hearing the question. Her eyes wildly run from Addison who can’t look at her, to Carolina who seems to be overcome with a weight so sudden it’s crushing. All she can do is sink back into the couch, feeling like she hasn’t comprehended what was happening when Amy was breaking up with her. Like she took that too lightly, and now… Sobriety. Where did this topic come from?

“I can’t tell with her anymore these days,” Mrs Shepherd admits, but she still looks like she is used to this. “She was sober when she left for Seattle in December, but I doubt she came back like this.”

“So where is she now?” Lexie asks.

Addison puts a hand on her knee and massages softly. A kind attempt at calming her down, but it doesn’t work.

“She got called in to LA, for a consult in some case,” Caroline says. “Told me she won’t be back in a long time.”

Perhaps she doesn’t know what she is talking about, but Lexie Grey can feel in her heart that if her kid was ever troubled like this, she would cross the entire world to find them and save them. That’s what mothers do, Susan taught her this from the very beginning. She knows her mom would come to save her from her dad if she only knew what was happening. It’s unbelievable to think of your child across the states, struggling with sobriety and disappearing just like that, and stay in the comfort of your home. Not having the slightest idea what’s happening to them.

Maybe she doesn’t know anything about motherhood, far far away from being a parent, but Lexie knows better in her heart.

“I should call Naomi, maybe she knows something,” Addison thinks out loud.

Before they can continue the conversation, Caroline suddenly gets up and approaches one of the bookcases by the wall. She picks something up.

“She left her phone here,” She shows it to her guests. “Clearly doesn’t wanna be contacted.”

Addison sighs, running her hand through her hair, leaning her forehead against her palm. Her shoulders slouch and she puts the cup back onto the coffee table.

That’s when the front door opens and several pairs of footsteps echo down the corridor straight into the sitting room. Caroline leaves her guests on the couch and peaks through the doorway.

“Mom!” A female voice resounds. “We’re here!”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Caroline teases.

Three kids, ages from four to nine storm into the room and halt at once seeing Addison and Lexie equally surprised. Soon, the oldest girl is occupied by interrogating Addison, having it been almost two years since they saw each other, while two younger, a boy and a girl are fascinated by Lexie.

“You have pretty eyes,” The girl says. “Like Bambi.”

Lexie’s face turns all pink and flushed.

Soon, the mother of the irrepressible trio enters the room and Addison’s eyes light up when she sees Nancy. Ups and downs, she used to know the woman like the back of her hand and soon they end up talking about life, until she promises to come back in a moment, leaving to grab something from the purse she left in the hallway.

Taking her best chance - with Lexie humouring the kids and Caroline accompanying her - Addison sneaks out into the hallway after Nancy.

After all, she knows where and when to take her chances when an opportunity flashes in front of her eyes.

Only now, standing up, her pregnant belly is visible enough to Nancy notice it and ponder. Pregnancy is exactly the topic Addison was hoping for to begin so she can take her best shot at a very private way to deal with her issues, without the entirety of Seattle buzzing with news and drama.

“I think I have anaemia,” Addison says, voice lowered in a way no one in the sitting room may catch on it. “And I need to take blood tests.”

“Don’t you work in a hospital, too?” Nancy frowns.

Well, if Montgomery has to admit, her logic is fucked up.

“That’s the thing,” She whispers. “Everyone would know by the end of the day. The gossip is terrible and cruel and I need to keep it on the low. Sharing my life has never brought me anything good. I’m done with the drama.”

“I probably could sneak you in into my previous hospital around here,” Nancy takes a beat before she proposes. “Tomorrow, since I’m staying here for a couple of days.”

“Really?”

“Addie, you’re always so level-headed, I’m truly surprised you haven’t had the tests taken yet, just because of fear of drama. This is dangerous. Irresponsible, I may even say.”

“Nancy, I’m gonna be eternally grateful for this.”

“Just tell me why you’re in NYC,” Nancy tells her condition. “I want to know everything.”

“Tomorrow, okay?” Addison says, hoping it doesn’t sound like pleading. “I’ll tell you everything.”

“Alright,” Nancy nods. “Just take care.”

Before they join back to the sitting room, Addison hears a notification ringing from the phone she’s left in the pocket of her coat. She turns on the device and smiles when she sees Meredith’s name in her latest messages.

Meredith:
we’ve got a ferryboat to ellis island and the statue of liberly at 4. meet us at the battery

---

Perfectly quarter of an hour before they are supposed to go aboard, they meet in the queue of a big crowd. Surprisingly big when it comes to this season of the year, and having the pinching cold wind push at the people in the breeze coming from the Hudson River and the ocean.

“I don’t know if it’s the right time to tell you guys,” Callie is pressed against Mark trying to steal his warmth while he is warming up his hands, sliding them up and down on her arms. “But I have seasickness.”

“Torres, you’re killing me, “ Mark says.

“Do not come near me if you’re about to throw up,” Meredith announces right away.

They go aboard soon later and while Lexie and Mark cling to the side of the top deck and begin to take millions of self-portraits with the cloudy city on the horizon, Callie clings to it for different reasons.

Taking it as their cue to have a moment, Addison and Meredith split with them and head to the bow of the ferryboat. They hold their hands, both of them in black gloves, Mer’s fluffy and Addie’s leathery ones.

“Was Lexie acting okay during your walk?” Meredith asks. She needs to raise her voice a bit, as the wind blows and makes it impossibly hard to hear each other. Addison catches her by the waist and pulls her in a way they are covered, safe from the blasting breeze, by the upper works.

It’s so goddamn difficult to hide the truth from Meredith. Unnatural, it feels like Addison’s entire body is objecting, not used to hiding anything from the blonde. Mer always knows everything. Not this time.

“Yes, she was…” Addison remembers the shock on the girl’s face when she asked about Amelia’s sobriety. “She was alright.”

“That’s good.”

Meredith nods and looks above Addison’s shoulder at the stretching-out water. The waves don’t rock them too much, given how violent the wind gets, but her eyes linger over the dark waters for a second too long. Addison has known it would bring memories, but she learned when she is supposed to step in and stop Meredith and when it’s right for her to face the demons of the past. Can get quite tricky at times, but tonight is one of these good days.

“Did something happen?”

“Well, the whole breakup thing,” Meredith’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.

“Mer,” Montgomery crosses her arms on her chest and raises her eyebrow didactic, clearly in the mode of the teacher. “You know what I mean.”

“I woke up in the middle of the night because she was crying herself to sleep. I hate how soft she makes me but we won’t be discussing this tonight,” Meredith underlines her, raising her pointing finger in a warning which causes Addison almost laugh in her face. As much as she could try, Meredith could never scare Addie, not with this cute face. “I went to her room and slept next to her so she wouldn’t be so miserable. I don’t like when she cries, she is an oddly pretty crier, but I would rather cry instead of her.”

That would explain the cold empty bed they share.

“You’re a good sister, Mer.”

“Shut up.” Meredith furrows her eyebrows before cracking a smile. “But thank you.”

“I told you from the beginning,” Addison decides to taunt her just a bit more. “Lexie is so lovable it’s impossible to hate her.”

Before Meredith can shoot back a biting answer, Mark starts calling out to them from across the deck and waving a big camera in his hands.

He soon approaches them, Lexie on his heels, and he squints his eyes to see what’s showing on the little monitor of the camera.

“Do the Titanic pose!”

Mer and Addison’s voices merge, “What?”

“We decided to make a whole photo album of the pictures we take in New York!” Lexie excitedly yells out to them.

“The Titanic pose, ladies,” Mark waves his hand to show his artistic vision.

Without a word more, Mer twirls Addison around and pushes her towards the very edge of the bow. The wind is thrashing their hair and Meredith almost chokes on the red curls but manages to embrace Addie at the waist, her chin resting upon her shoulder. Addison begins to laugh, adrenaline pumping from her veins when she spreads her hands, not holding on to the railing and just taking in the sensations.

She has to close her mouth, as the breeze storms into her lungs but the stretching grin on her lips doesn’t disappear. If that’s what living feels like…

Even in her old city, which broke her a thousand times and followed around by the unpleasant memories; loneliness and making bad decisions, she still finds so much beauty and love here. It seems that Meredith gives her heart a break wherever they are, if they’re by each other’s sides, everything’s going to be okay. The old ghosts of New York City and their hauntings don’t scare her one bit if the blonde’s arms are around her.

It makes her think - this is what love is. Meredith Grey teaches her every single day what it means to love someone and be loved as hard and equally back. Maybe she won’t ever love Addison in the same way, won’t crave her the way Addison craves her, but it doesn’t make her love any less real. This is it, her best friend and her against the world.

A tear of happiness springs from her green eye and she lets it freeze over.

She’s flying.

And if she ever falters, Meredith is there to catch her.

Once they step back, Addison searches the deck with her gaze, “Where is Callie?”

“Holding on for dear life,” Mark hums.

His words are followed by the disgusting sounds of retching.

“Jesus Christ.”

They do manage to collect Torres and lead her down the stairs onto the island and perhaps she is still green in the pictures they take, but she’s there with them. Half of the photographs are blurry or full of happy jumping from Lexie and Mark’s dancing, Addison showing her tongue to the camera and Mer flipping them off. But each single one of them is worth more than gold.

Notes:

i'm forever grateful for every feedback i receive<3
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=770182ab2ca04040

Chapter 53: the same way that i lie to you

Notes:

hi everyone!!

i've got a LOT of announcements today, so bear with me.

1). first of all, chapter 53 puts an end to my version of season 4. i decided it's a perfect culmination for this story and the next chapter i'll post is going to be the beginning of my version of season 5:) (so expect new characters to show up!!)

2). this one will probably not be the happiest info for all of you, but i'm going on hiatus until the 2nd of september. to calm your fears, i'm not giving up on this story, not at all, but rather the opposite. i need to catch up on writing the chapters and focus thoroughly on the plot which will become only more tangled, complicated and a tad insane with the drama. i just want to make sure everything is perfect. i hate feeling i'm being rushed, so i need to take that break after the past 5 months of regularly posting. but once i'm back, we're also back to having a chapter every monday!!

3). and the last one. i had an idea to create an instagram account where i can share additional info and small quotes from the chapters i would be currently writing and update with different fun facts or thoughts i'm having or have you ask questions, whatever comes to my mind. it's all for fun and i'm definitely gonna need some time to adjust to navigate this account but i would love to interact with you all! i have an amazing audience here and i feel attached to some of you that have stuck around for such a long time<3
my handle is: @callme_shakesqueer here's the link: https://www.instagram.com/callme_shakesqueer?igsh=cDhnb252dmlkZHkw&utm_source=qr

(i made the account private so my irl friends don't find me lmao)
i hope i see you there:)

hope you enjoy the last NYC chapter!!

After staying up all night to finish packing all of the boxes with clothing articles and shoes - which is a ridiculous amount of pumps, Mer notices out loud and gets shushed by annoyed Addie - they all have to live off coffee in the morning. So dead inside and yawning while spread all over the living room, only Addison appears to be put together while she runs around the house, looking for her pair of golden hoops she lost somewhere.

No one questions the coffee she’s supposedly grabbing with Derek’s sister. Well, Mark does, excitedly offering he wants to meet up with Nancy as well but he is denied. So, sulking and pouting in the corner of the couch, he chews on his sandwich.

“I thought this would be like a vacation,” He says, eyes unfocused on the playing news on the TV.

Lexie gives him a sorry smile, moved by his lips curled downwards, “We did go out twice!”

“Don’t you think Chief would give us one more day to have fun?” Mark sits up, the idea awakening him.

Callie snorts, curled up on the armchair swinging back and forth and eyes him. She has that tendency to look at him like he’s the biggest idiot out there, but to be fair - Mark does the same. It’s probably that best friend kind of thing.

“If you put it in those exact words,” Torres says, keeping him in unknown for a second before finishing. “Then you can forget about it.”

“Mean.”

“Chief likes me,” Meredith says, coming from the kitchen with a steaming mug and a plate with two toasts, settling on the unpacked yet carpet and putting her breakfast on the glass coffee table. “If it was me who called, he might give in.”

“He does like you a lot,” Lexie says.

Meredith cracks a smile, “So are we calling?”

A pang of silence before Callie puts her phone down and analyses the question, “Don’t you wanna go back? Because I do. New York is great and all but I’m freezing my ass off here and I have things to do.” When Addison sends her a darkly grim look, standing at the bottom of the stairs and putting the earrings on, Callie raises her hands in surrender. “But I am grateful to be here and having Addie give me this great opportunity of seeing the city that never sleeps.”

Before Addison can roast the hell out of here and make her regret she came along on this trip, Meredith speaks up.

“Do I wanna go back to the city that holds a personal grudge to me being alive and tortures all of my friends?” The sarcasm is dripping from the blonde’s voice and yeah, maybe she is feeling a bit dark and twisty today. Hard not to, after three hours of sleep, spent in bed with a woman who steals the bedsheets and kicks in her sleep.

“Callie, you don’t get a say in this,” Mark points his finger accusingly. “All you’ve done is keep on texting someone. Shush.”

Lexie perks up at the topic, “Do you have a crush on someone? Are you texting your crush?”

“I am not!” Callie’s face is burning red, getting darker with each passing second.

“You’re bluuuuushing,” Mark barks with laughter. “She is blushing.”

That’s when Addison returns to the living room for the last time, already in her coat and her accessories done, zipping up the brown boot, with a five-inch heel, “Who is blushing?”

“Callie has a secret crush,” Meredith sing-songs.

Torres is about to slide onto the floor and collapse, given her mental state, “I do not.”

“You’re all red,” Addison laughs, the melodic sound filling the entire space. “Pretend better, sweetheart.”

“Et tu, Brute?” Callie grabs onto her heart.

Addison shrugs at her but flashes a smile, “Alright, I’ll be back in a couple of hours. I should be back before the U-haul guys show up. Play nice and don’t destroy the house, kids. Mark, don’t try to steal Callie’s phone and Meredith, don’t support his shenanigans. Lexie-” She hangs her gaze over the beaming brunette. “You’re perfect. Stay that way. See you later.”

“Have fun!”

“I will, bye!”

Just like that, her heels echo down the hallway and then the front door loudly shuts.

“Okay, coming back,” Lexie’s devilish side shines through once Montgomery is gone and she leans further, staring through Torres’ soul. “Who are they?”

“Do we know them?” Meredith adds.

“There’s no one,” Callie crosses her arms on her chest. “I just have a social life outside… this mess that you are.”

“No need to get defensive,” Mark points out.

They spend the entire breakfast time taunting her until they need to gather themselves and finish up the last touches around the entire building. They’re still cracking jokes and Callie makes a halfway successful attempt at kicking Sloan in the ass and he almost ends up falling off the stairs just when Mer’s tiny frame holds him up. Something is in the air, all four of them acting like teenagers and perhaps it’s the different city’s freedom giving them the right to act foolish and annoy each other like this.

Moments like these are rare, especially in Seattle. So even if Callie is their scapegoat, she doesn’t mind, not really.

It’s worth every single pearl of laughter echoing in the walls.

---

They are officially done with the packing three hours later, prepared for the U-haul to come and take all of the memories away. Instead of settling in the living room to rot and watch TV, Lexie proposes to bake some Valentine’s sugar cookies and Mark is chosen to run to the closest store and come back with all the needed ingredients.

By the time he is back and Lexie turns the kitchen into her kingdom, he notices the disappearance of Meredith Grey.

And yes, perhaps Meredith has sneaked out on the first occasion and climbed the second floor.

Finding a comfortable spot on the windowsill in the office room, she watches the cars driving down the quiet street - surprisingly calm for New York and this neighbourhood - and passers-by continuing their day, unaware of being watched. Sometimes it’s good to be alone, especially when the demons in her head aren’t violently raging and causing a storm inside her. When it’s quiet inside her brain, no voices not belonging to her screaming out and interrupting her internal monologue. Just one voice, her own.

Little victories like those bring a smile to Mer’s face.

So, she is pretty sure that her fear over Addison and having a gut feeling something is wrong doesn’t come from over-thinking or intrusive thoughts. She just knows, deep inside, that the coffee with Nancy might not be coffee at all, or it might be not with Nancy at all. Just a feeling guiding her and telling her that Montgomery might be stretching out the truth.

But Addison always, sooner or later, tells her the truth. They depend on each other like that. Trust within their bones, never to be broken or cut away.

There’s not a lot Meredith can do except wait until Addison comes to her and explains the lies, or at least cover up the full truth. Maybe when she moves in, it will be more difficult to keep the facts away from Mer, maybe when they are stuck in the same house it’s gonna be brought up eventually.

She cannot wait.

Not only for the exposure of truth but for waking up and having Addison a wall away. Have her cook delicious stuff in the kitchen and have her wait on the couch after a long day at work to discuss their days. Read books together and share their bookshelves. Dance it out together after a bad day, have the house fuller than just her and Alex. With Addie and Lexie in the house…

Meredith has never been a fan of people. But then she learned you need to meet the right ones to appreciate human connections.

And if they can have brunches together… and Cristina comes over, too, with Callie and Mark and maybe even Derek.

Who would have thought Meredith Grey would ever be a family type of woman?

It makes her think… that someone is missing from that group, from those perfect scripts of daily life. Izzie, she is missing. Despite all of it, Meredith's heart aches at the thought; the anger is slowly washing away, that full-consuming fire which had her packing all of Stevens’ belongings into trash bags and taking down any pictures with her. What’s left is cold emptiness in her heart.

Such a strong friendship, with ups and downs only to be destroyed by the worst choice to be made in a he-said, she-said, situation.

She sighs heavily.

“What’s up?”

Meredith turns her head to the doorway so quickly that something snaps in her neck. She massages the place and looks at Mark with one eyebrow raised.

“Just thinking,” She says.

“Mind if I make it a dirty mistresses club meeting?”

Mark is lingering in the door, hand on the handle, waiting for her judgement. She likes the man, for learning her boundaries faster than more people usually do, and for respecting whatever she picks. Just the awareness of it, makes her realise she won’t send him away.

Smiling lightly, she taps the other side of the windowsill, “Not at all.”

Closing the door to give them the privacy Mer wants, Mark climbs the windowsill - it looks a tad comically given his size, but he manages to fit his ass onto the thin stripe and his knees hit hers a bit, but she doesn’t mind. As long as he doesn’t shift closer, Grey is fine with it.

“How is annoying Callie going?” She asks, taking her gaze away from his handsome face back onto the streets.

“We made a deal with Lexie she’s gonna act all cutesy and sweet to get any information with Torres. I don’t like not knowing her shenanigans. She always tells me stuff and now she is all mysterious.”

“You like her?”

“Who?”

“Lexie.”

Meredith has caught onto the soft note in Sloan’s tone several times by now. Each time it happens when she is talking about her half-sister and she is overprotective enough to investigate and have control over the situation. Most people are fond of Lexie, it’s hard not to when she is so annoyingly lovely and a walking sweetheart, even more now when she’s all sad puppy dog eyes after her breakup.

That short lingering, how Mark melts a bit every time he recalls the younger of Greys, it’s giving her obvious signs.

“Do I think she is adorable? Yes,” Mark confesses with disarming honesty. Exactly Mark Sloan-style. “Do my days feel better around her? Sure. Do I fantasize about her? I did, once, in only one position. Is she too smart for her age and for her own good? Yes, and it’s scary. But somebody else owns my heart. And somebody else owns her heart. It’s a shame because Little Grey is one in a million.”

“I never want to hear about you fantasizing about my little sister,” Mer warns him.

Mark widens his eyes, “I thought it was an open space for us dirty mistresses to confess our sins.”

“It’s not anymore,” Meredith tells him, but the edge from her voice is gone and she is holding back a smile. “Not when we’re talking about Lexie.”

But then she laughs and hits his knee with her own.

“But reflecting…” She manages to catch his soft gaze. “Who owns your heart, Mark Sloan?”

Something is charming about the way he laughs, this barking sound and rich, almost caramel. He seems unphased by her question, more amused and he hits her knee right back. Sometimes he feels like her older brother, here to protect her but also make her life a bit difficult just for fun. It’s nice; the sensation of having an older sibling that you don’t have to take care of, but the very opposite.

“You would like to know, huh?” Mark winks at her.

“You put the spotlight on Callie while having a secret like this yourself,” Meredith points out. “Big brain moment.”

“Why the note of surprise?” Mark pretends to be offended, then attacks her right back. “Don’t tell me you don’t have a secret like that yourself.”

“Okay. Fair.”

“You’re not being so secretive about it, though, Big Grey.”

“Fuck off.”

They smile at each other, the easiness of shared camaraderie. Meredith feels free here, for a moment, free of her demons and her mixed feelings, but it doesn’t last too long - soon, she sees blonde hair in a ponytail and girlish laughter and she…

She thought she would find a cure for missing Izzie, but she remembers the good times. When they adopted Doc and when she made a pure Christmas mess out of her house a year ago and as they lay, the three of them, under the Christmas tree and Meredith realised they were her family.

How come all of it fell apart just like that? How come her found family turned out to be far from love and her enemy? She thought she built something after being broken her entire life, Thatcher leaving and Ellis never accepting her, later disowning, and Susan dying right beneath her hands. She thought she found what she’d craved and missed her entire life, only to watch it fade away and slip between her feelings.

She blinks away the tears, staring outside the window and wishing she was in Addison’s arms; the only embrace that heals every crack inside her broken soul.

“What are you thinking about?”

Mark’s voice brings her above the surface, the drowning sensation in her lungs disappearing. Maybe she lost that part of her family, but she managed to create something new, something good, with the man in front of her.

He always protects her, always willing to murder for her, just like Alex.

The thing about life - you need to learn to focus on the good things and let go of the bad ones. Otherwise, all you ever will end up doing is wallow in despair and wish for better days, not noticing they are right in front of you.

“Izzie,” Meredith sighs, settling on honesty. “Do you know what happened?”

Mark gazes at her, “Vaguely.”

“I still love her. And I miss her. Even if she pulled a shitshow like this,” Ounce by ounce, the weight on her ribcage eases and dissolved when she says out loud the things that make her heart ache. “I wish she was on my side, not his.”

“Trust me, you can still love people, even if they make shitty decisions,” Mark says, knowing too well the feeling. Not a day passed in his life ever since his New York life fell apart that he didn’t love Derek; mistake by mistake, their dynasty falling into a ruination, yet the love never floated away. Got covered with anger and regret, sure, but never disappeared. “You can miss people and still choose to stay away from them.”

Meredith nods and leans her cheek against the cold glass, her head quieting down. She sends Mark a tired smile, that he reciprocates and they fall into a comfortable silence. This time nothing haunts Meredith’s mind and she just people-watches, her knees brushing against Mark’s legs.

Thousands of miles from her home, but next to him, true-blue, it doesn’t feel that far.

---

“You’ve been following me like a lost puppy.”

Ever since Addison has come home and started to take one last look at the house, now emptied - the furniture standing lonely, causing a deep sense of nostalgia - she’s never been left alone. Meredith trails after her, as if a stalker, and is always three steps behind her; is it weird to feel homesick for a person after being apart for a couple of hours?

“Because I miss you,” Without thinking her answer through, Grey says with a disarming sincerity.

Half a year ago, when she was still with Derek, she would cringe at even thinking of such a sentence and speaking it out loud would make her fall onto the ground and curl up from embarrassment. It’s about finding the right person, she muses internally, about feeling connected and safe enough around them to be soft like this. Meredith Grey has been about roughness her entire life, and now, so late in her life as she’s nearing thirty, she learned how it feels to speak up with the most delicate of thoughts.

She’s not sure she could do it with anyone else than Addison.

Addison stops walking and halts by the entrance to the master bedroom to look at Meredith, her stare softening but also having little glimmers of amusement, “I’ve been gone for only three hours.”

“I know. But I still miss you. All the time.”

The smile blossoming on Addie’s lips is like the first spring sunrays of the season tearing through the grey clouds, illuminating Meredith’s world with hope for better days. It starts at the subtle curve of the corner of her lips, a gentle upturn turning into fleshing white teeth and her mouth lines accenting, marking the years of her life in the most beautiful way possible. A twinkle of genuine joy - and if Mer wasn’t blinded by the idea no one could ever love her back as much as she loves someone, she would see there is unconditional life and devotion for her. Her beacon of hope, her light, her sun and stars.

“You are too sweet,” Addison tilts her head and slowly approaches Meredith who’s standing at the top of the stairs.

“Just honest,” Meredith shrugs. “And a bit moody, to be speaking frankly.”

It’s such natural, the way her hands set on Addison’s hips, wide and fitting perfectly under her palms. Addison’s toned arms twist around Mer’s shoulders and neck and they stand like this, in each other’s embrace, just smiling at each other like a pair of completely smitten idiots.

“I’m kinda excited about how big your stomach will get with baby bee,” Mer says, the beaming grin and the tone of her voice teasing. The round belly in between them is a clear indication it’s already gotten round and big.

Addison glances down, her fingers playing with Mer’s hair on the nape of her neck, “I’m terrified of it…”

The smile washes away and her colours begin to vanish from her face, the hold of her arms losing strength. She blinks, the focus behind her eyes making off, and suddenly standing on her legs is a challenge too big.

“Addie?”

“I… Mer…” Addison tries to look at Meredith’s face, but everything is getting blurry, her limbs are tingling and she feels like she’s about to throw up. “I need to sit down.”

“Addison?”

“I… I don’t feel so-”

Within one second, she goes limp in Grey’s arms, legs giving out; she only doesn’t collapse on the floor because Meredith pulls her into herself, automatically moving to catch her. For a moment, her lips stay parted, shocked at how their conversation turned into this, befuddled and panic flooding her system.

She awakens three seconds belated.

“Lexie! Mark! Callie!”

Meredith keeps calling until she feels running footsteps on the stairs; but even when she sees Mark’s top of the head, she keeps screaming with Addison lying lifelessly in her arms as she is crouched down on the floor. She keeps calling out, even when Mark picks her up in his arms and she is left on the floor, still feeling the weight on her hands.

---

The first thing Addison sees when her gaze finally focuses are four worried faces above her, staring down at her, lying on the couch. She groans, her head pounding and mouth feeling dry, as she attempts to sit up and fail miserably.

“Hey, take it easy, Red,” Mark tells her when she falls back onto the couch.

Her heart is hammering in her chest, and anxiety fills her up; her hand instantly lands on her stomach and feels like she has to get up, she has to know what is happening, what if… what if her babygirl…

This time she succeeds in sitting up, Lexie settling the cushions behind her to make her comfortable, “What happened?”

“You fainted on me,” Meredith says, sounding out of breath. Her eyes are wide and round, fear reigning inside of them.

“Fainted?” Addison repeats, knowing she thoroughly and completely failed. Failing to be a responsible parent, at acting accountable for the little life growing inside her; she let the need for privacy and omitting gossip become a bigger feeling than letting people talk and admitting she’s not okay. She failed so badly, and the thought makes her eyes prick as tears collect under her long eyelashes. “God, so it’s really serious.”

“What is serious?” Callie asks slowly.

“Mark, call Nancy,” Addison says, covering her face in her hands.

“Nancy Shepherd?” Mark asks, confusion all over his face.

Lexie’s eyes gleam in understanding, ”Oh.”

Everyone turns to Lexie.

She grows pink on her face and ears under the questioning stares and she hesitates, not being quite sure if she is allowed to speak up.

Addison seems to read her mind at once and she drops her hands in the lap, nodding, “Tell them, Lexie. You pieced it together already.”

“Okay, so…” Lexie looks down on the floor, collecting her thoughts before jumping with her eyes from person to person. “Yesterday, we didn’t go for a walk. We went to visit Mrs Shepherd because we were - I was looking for Amelia,” She notices a shifting expression of inkling anger and betrayal on her sister’s face. “But she isn’t in New York. We bumped into Nancy instead, as you know, and Addison talked to her alone. I didn’t hear any of the conversation but I’m guessing they didn't meet up for coffee this morning.”

“Is that true, Addie?” Meredith asks, quite in disbelief.

Despite her earlier thoughts of Addie bearing secrets from each other, it still pains her entire soul when she realises her thoughts have become reality. She thought she expected this, yet it stings everywhere to feel like a fool, by someone she loves the most.

They never had secrets hidden from each other; always transparent and trusting. Maybe yes, she hid she was a lesbian for a long time, but she hid it from most of the people, no matter how much she loved and confided in them. And the feelings she has for Addison are a secret, too, but not… Not this. It feels like a strained line between them now, and it stings her heart in the most delicate place, a small needle impaled into the muscle.

“Yeah,” The redhead can’t meet her eyes, wiping away one treacherous tear. “I have a suspicion of pregnancy aneamia and Nancy took me to the hospital to have tests done.”

“What?” Mer’s voice turns colder. “Since when?” Then a hand lands on her elbow, Callie’s grabbing her gently, a reminder to come back down. She softens her voice and takes a deep inhale. “How long have you been hiding this?”

“Since LA.”

“LA?”

Meredith stands up, wondering how much Addison is hiding besides that. What is true and what is not? Why…? Why she hasn’t come to Mer and they would deal with this together? Perhaps her feelings of love clouded her head, making her believe it was the two of them against the world. Maybe, they are just friends.

She begins to circle the living room, “This is highly irresponsible. Anything could have happened to you during that month. Anything. To you or baby bee.”

She can’t imagine life without Addison.

The plain idea of it…

“Okay, drama queen, calm the fuck down,” Callie says, snorting. “Take it easy or you’re gonna faint as well.”

Mark’s head focuses on the entirely irrelevant part, “Baby bee?”

“Not now, Mark,” Four female voices say at once.

“Okay, Addie,” Callie rubs her hands on Addison’s knees. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I don’t have a trusted OB back home, and yeah, I might be one, and I’ve dealt with some things on my own when I needed to, but I still need a different doctor,” Addison says, knowing how ridiculous it sounds spoken out loud. Maybe she truly has a pregnancy brain? “I didn’t want for the entire hospital to buzz with the thing after three days.”

“There must be a way,” Lexie says. “You have to have an OB in Seattle right away when we come back. You can’t just rely on yourself.”

“I know, Lexie.”

Callie falls silent, tapping her fingers in deep thought on the thin material of Addie’s stockings.

“Actually…” She finally says. “I think there might be someone.”

---

After Mark has called Nancy and her promising to send the results of the test immediately to Seattle Grace when she gets them tomorrow morning, they eat a light dinner in the complete emptiness of the space, everything packed and awaiting the U-haul. The private jet is about to wait a couple of more hours for them until they take the long way through the city that never sleeps, about to be back home after the fleeting three days that escaped heavens know when.

Deciding to take a stroll for Addison to get some fresh air, careful on every step as Meredith makes sure she doesn’t feel faint, they end up on a bench in Central Park, watching the waterfowl spread in the water and chase each other.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything,” Addison says quietly, every inch of guilt fitting her from head to toe. “I really am. Sometimes I just get stuck inside my head.”

Meredith’s slim cold hand slips into Addison’s covered in leather glove one. Their fingers intertwine, in the space between them, on the dark wood of the bench.

“I’m sorry I yelled. And lost it. I never do that anymore but…” Meredith stares ahead, heavily exhaling and shaking her head. “When I thought I could lose you… it was too much.”

“You’re not going to lose me. Look at me,” Addison turns her head and waits to catch the ocean blue yes that shines with jolts of dread. “Not soon. Not if I can help it. I’m here to stay and I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, okay?”

“Well,” Meredith cracks a heartbreaking smile, squeezing Addison’s head; all the doubts of before disappear when they’re back to each other with nothing standing in their way. It’s easy to get defensive and let the disastrous feeling of solitude and betrayal take over, instead of communicating. “We had survived a hella lot of bad.”

“We had. Oh, we had.”

They stand up together, slowly making their way towards the exit around the pond after Addison checks the time on her gold watch. They should be back home just for the Uhaul starting to pack all the belongings.

“Are you ready to close this chapter?” Meredith asks.

The sense of closure is everywhere, floating around Addison with the awareness she’s been putting it off for too long. Sometimes you just hold on to something dead for months, afraid of what’s awaiting on the other side.

Addison is not afraid anymore.

“I am,” Addison takes one last look at her beloved park where she first studied for the exams in the med school, and then went on dates with Derek until he pulled away and she came here to swallow the disappointment and pretend things are like before. No matter how many bad memories are in this city, it’s forever going to be an enormous part of her. “Let’s go.”

Flashing one last smile at the frozen place and crowds of people, she walks out of this part of her life.

It’s been long overdue, keeping on writing pages to the book that was finalised a long time ago, which Addison ended eternity prior. That part of her story has sailed, the last part of the epilogue written down. It’s time to open the next volume of her saga.

Notes:

until september, then:)
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
or find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=d428641dd0c04136

Chapter 54: feels like we're on the edge right now

Notes:

we are SO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi, everyone!! it's finally september which also means we're back to TOHIBST mondays and trust me, i was counting down the days until i'm back to regular posting. i am extremely excited to return here and there's so much that's going to happen in the future chapters.

for a little life update: for those who follow me on instagram (if you haven't yet, please do! cool things are happening there), you know i've had a bit of a mental health crisis. i'm much better now and almost back on track. but good things happened too! i finished the first semester of the florist course with the highest grades, i got accepted to the university for a major i wanted to get into and most importantly i saw miss taylor swift LIVE.

i can't wait to hear what you think of today's chapter. back in seattle, drama is waiting and let's join that mess now;)
enjoy<3

“No. Wait. What?”

Meredith fixes the brown bag on her shoulder while waiting for Cristina to hide her motorcycle keys after she parks several spots away from Alex’s car. He is sulking and waiting for them as he shakes from the cold, while they linger outside on the freezing February day. Mer tries to cover up her mouth and nose with the red scarf Addison gave her weeks before, as the wind knocks out the air in her lungs.

Finally, Cristina jumps from her seat and takes one of the steaming paper cups with coffee Meredith bought on her way to work, carpooling with Alex. Side by side, they begin walking to the front entrance of Seattle Grace.

“Yeah. Dude just stormed into the hospital in camouflage clothes and performed a tracheotomy on a patient with an ink pen,” Cristina says, buzzing with emotions after three days of constant drama and inability to gossip with her best friend. They reach the doors. “And I was impaled right here. With an icicle.”

She points at the spot she is standing on and jumps up, almost falling on the icy ground.

Swiftly, Alex pushes her forward and Meredith catches her hand, “Well, don’t get impaled for a second time. C’mon.”

“Did you tell her about the love triangle in the limousine?” Alex asks, finally showing any interest in the news that occurred here during the New York trip.

“What the hell happened to this place when I was gone?” Mer asks, in disbelief.

Just as they enter the building and begin to uncuff themselves from the hats, scarves and fuzzy gloves, Cristina has no chance to answer as Bailey storms straight at them and points her threatening fingers that wield more power than the president does.

“Grey, welcome back. You and Karev go to the pit with me.” It’s almost like they’re interns again, but no one questions the woman in front of them, nodding solemnly. “Yang, you’re with Montgomery today. Go find her.”

Before they part their ways, Meredith calls out to her person, “I’ve been gone for three days! How can all of this happen in three days?”

“Catch me later!” Cristina shouts and disappears in the elevator, leaving Meredith dumbfounded.

She runs after Alex to get changed and prepare themselves for Bailey’s reign.

---

They have a shitload of work, as it appears, but it feels good to be back to the routine. Meredith’s hands don’t shake when she passes George in the hallway, not giving him even a single look, even more, humming that goddamn dramatic Taylor Swift song Lexie sang and played on repeat during their flight back to Seattle. Playing God with her interns is fun as if she’s playing a game and deciding who, where, when and what is supposed to be doing. It’s just a good day to be back; she did complain about going back to the west coast but it’s not as bad as she ranted her friends’ ears off - perhaps it’s about being back with Cristina and Alex. She cannot imagine her life going on without them at a longer shot; she hopes life isn’t on warpath with her and about take either of them away - and if it is, she’s going to kick its ass.

When she finally lands in the cafeteria, her stomach grumbling and mouth watering at the sight of her tray full of snacks and two promising sandwiches.

Soon, Cristina rolls into the room and the moment she sits next to Meredith, there is no way to keep the blonde from pushing every single bit of gossip.

“Start from the beginning. Or I’ll have a stroke if you keep throwing random facts from the weekend at me.”

“Fine,” Cristina opens her package of salty chips, tearing it apart and barely managing to catch them before they end up on the floor. Scrunching her nose, she looks at the mess she made on the table, but when Mer sticks her finger between her ribs, she goes on. “Because of the snowstorm, we thought we would get a lot of trauma patients but this is a hospital for losers and we’re twelve in the ranking-”

“We are what?” Meredith frowns.

From what came to her knowledge, Seattle Grace is the best hospital in Seattle, or even further; maybe she was so caught up in the problems of personal reasons that she missed out on the changes going on not under her nose.

“Yep. Twelve in the surgical program ranking. Don’t get surprised if Chief calls you in to play detective. He-” She cuts in, shaking her head. ‘You know what? Whatever, I don’t have to tell you shit he will tell you when you meet him.”

“Okay,” Meredith decides to give it up, far more interested in the rest of the events that went down. “Tell me about the army guy.”

“A limousine with three insane ladies came who were on their way to a fricking ball. Some princess shit. Then we found out their husbands were on their way to Mercy West but Bailey made the women insist for them to come here. Then Bang! The guy jumps out of the ambulance with a patient he trached with a ballpoint pen!”

Meredith chokes on her sandwich and gets hit on her back by Cristina, “Are you kidding me?”

“No!” Cristina seems to thrive, almost shaking with excitement at finally sharing news with someone who wasn’t there to witness them themselves. “It was insane. Insanely… hot.”

“You fancy him!?”

“Obviously, I do.” Cristina shrugs nonchalantly, slurping her drink through a straw. “Wouldn’t you go all crazy for a girl who saved a life in such an obscure way like that?”

“No,” Meredith scrunches her nose and begins to eat her pudding. “Not really.”

“Yeah, that’s only because you’re all about Prada high heels and mommy issues vibes.”

“Shut up.”

“And a pregnant stomach.”

“I hate you,” Meredith grumbles, considering spitting at Cristina and kicking her out of the cafeteria. She looks around if anyone heard their exchange but there are barely any people eating, and none of their friends are around.

“No, you don’t,” Yang sing-songs, but decides to let it go, too badly caught up on Owen Hunt. “But he basically saved one of the husbands’ lives and then helped recover another one.”

Meredith nods but is far more interested in the latter part of the snowstorm legend stories, “What about you getting impaled, though?”

“Oh, yep,” Cristina pulls her scrubs and black shirt underneath to the dressing covering her torso to show the proof. “Well, long story short he got the icicle out of me and after tending my wound he kissed me-”

“He did what?”

Perhaps she is a tad too loud, bringing attention to their table and she ducks her face, trying to hide from the people’s faces. Both of them fall silent for long enough for the sound of chatting to surround them once again, enough white noise to continue the conversation; it’s far less private than it should be, but it’s Seattle Grace, after all.

“I swear to God, Meredith, I have never been kissed like this,” Cristina confesses, a bit dreamy look in her eyes before her person kicks her in the shin.

“Take your mind out of the gutter,” She hisses. “Did you even get his name?”

She should be the last one to judge after her long history of drunken one-night stands, but Meredith Grey is a changed woman now. No more random men and women in her bed, now she is a fatally loserish lesbian who pines after her new best friend, in this codependent homoerotic friendship of theirs, kissing and having… a child together, along with moving in together.

To be honest, she doesn’t know which is worse. When she puts it like that, she does see how big of a doofus she can get. What is she even doing with her life?

Cristina lowers her voice, mimicking his tone, “Major Owen Hunt, US Army Second Forward Surgical Trauma Surgeon.”

“Uh-oh,” Mer raises her eyebrows almost to her hairline. “He’s really a camouflage guy.”

“So badass. He was so badass - and men are rarely badass,” No way to stop Cristina from fantasising right in the middle of the hospital. “Plus I loved seeing Shepherd get all worked up by him.”

“Hunt pissed him off?” Meredith’s question sounds borderline delighted by that.

“As fuck.”

“Ten bonus points for the army guy,” Meredith steals one chip from Cristina and gets hit on the hand. “I can’t believe all of it happened in three days. Three goddamn days. I was gone for mere weekend.”

“If it makes you better 007 is very close to breaking down,” Cristina muses. “I saw him with tears in his eyes at least five times, because McDreamy and Webber kept barking at him and now all of the interns make fun of him as well. And well… only Izzie tries her best to make him comfortable. They’re at war with Alex.”

“So that’s why he was sulking.”

“Yes. Alex is bulling George on every step and she is being Mother Teresa, the protector of rapists.”

“Well, it does make me feel better,” Meredith cracks a smile.

About to indulge in more gossip and drama, they are stopped by the beeping sound of the pager going off in Grey’s pocket. She pulls out the sparkle one first, ignoring Cristina’s longing sigh, before checking the basic pager.

“Speak of the devil,” Meredith says. “It’s the Chief.”

Cristina doesn’t look surprised, “Told you.”

---

Updated with as little information as possible, since Meredith focused on rather the personal drama than Seattle Grace falling down the ranking of teaching hospitals, she cannot quite guess or prepare for Richard’s questions, whatever they will be.

Taking the stairs to move her body a bit, it takes ten minutes to finally arrive at the office, walking across the bridge and noticing Mark with Lexie, both leaning against the wall in the further corridor. They both seem utterly depressed and Meredith almost feels sorry for their love lives, but she is too caught up in the visit at Chief’s to approach them now and try to get them out of the sombre mood.

“Hi, sir” She smiles, gently opening the door and entering the room.

“Sit down, please, Grey.”

The tone of his voice is off and she feels her muscles tensing as she slides into the chair across from him, trying to stop fidgeting nervously with her fingers.

“I don’t know if you heard the news that came to us on Sunday…” Webber starts, with eyes instead of softening as they always do when he sees her, staying cold and serious.

Meredith decides not to say anything, fearing her voice would quiver, and just nods.

“I’m trying to pinpoint what exactly went wrong and the easiest way is to listen to the students, current and present, isn’t it?”

“Probably yes,” She says carefully.

“So, Meredith,” He clasps his hands together and presses them against his chest. “Tell me about the attendings in this hospital.”

“Well…” She surely hasn’t expected to be interrogated, like she is a criminal and Webber is a cop. However, she would love to have a good cop in the room as well, because this just feels like one big trap. “I can’t talk about Shepherd, I haven’t worked with him in a very long time. Sloan is fine. Montgomery, too. Hahn was a bigger issue, but she’s gone. I heard I’m at the peds attending’s service next week and I haven’t worked with them before.”

Instead of taking in all of the information, Chief instantly catches up at one part of her statement, “So it’s better not to have a cardio attending at all instead of Doctor Hahn?”

“I… I don’t know…”

She wasn’t trying to suggest anything, just told him what he asked to speak about. The anxiety bubbles up in her chest, and she feels her heart beating against the ribcage, hammering, her hands getting cold and sweaty.

What is going on here?

Her eyes focus on his hands for a moment, and they’re undoubtedly shaking. The tremors are barely noticeable, but they’re there.

“You don’t know?” He hums, humourlessly.

“No.”

“I think I’m being too soft lately. For my attendings, who are supposed to teach and make this place better and especially for my residents, Grey.”

Meredith straightens her back; trying to put on a brave face and hide her fear, she puts her palms between her thighs, clasping them and hoping she doesn’t look like a scolded child. After a weekend like this, she truly didn’t expect the scene unfolding in front of her eyes to happen.

“Sir?”

“This ends now,” Richard looks unforgiving with his furrowed brows. “My hospital is failing and it cannot - I cannot let it go on any longer. I got too caught up in the private affairs of my surgeons. All I do is think about how to get rid of O’Malley, instead of fixing this hospital.”

Yet, it doesn’t seem like Meredith’s responsibility to listen to this. She is not the Chief here, she is not… He is blaming her. The realisation hits her before he may even put it straightforwardly. He wants to put the blame on her.

“Sir, I don’t quite understand,” She blinks to stop her eyes from prickling, but the tears are coming, she knows herself too well.

“Grey, you make me soft,” He states like it’s alright to tell her that. “And the drama-”

That’s enough.

She abruptly stands up, not willing to sit like a kicked lamb, waiting to get its neck bitten and the flesh torn apart. She won’t wait for the wolves to come, she won’t sit here and nod as he holds her accountable for things she didn't cause.

“Do you think I wanted to be assaulted?” Perhaps her voice shakes, but it’s shadowed with teeming rage. “And to come to you and tell you all about it? I only did it so Alex wouldn’t get fired!”

The conviction Richard has in himself dissolves in one puff, his stone posture and no mercy in his eyes turning into the very opposite. He thought he could do this, but the moment he looks at her, tears spilling onto her red cheeks, he regrets every second of it.

“That’s not what I’m trying to say.”

Meredith snorts, the idea of him trying to gaslight her after all of this making her laugh in that cruel heartbroken manner, “I’m sorry, alright? For whatever you’re feeling. I’m sorry you feel responsible for me, that despite me telling you time after time I’m not your daughter, you still feel this way. I’m sorry it’s ruining your hospital. I’m sorry I’m your dead mistress’ kid and you have to see me every day. I am someone who probably should have died that one day and be out of everyone’s hair. But I did not die and I won’t try again. So I’m sorry for all of it, Chief.”

By then, she is almost sobbing and takes steps back, wanting to be as far away from this place as possible. She wants New York back, she wants Addison’s arms around her, protecting her from the entire world and wants Mark to be her big brother and defend her, standing tall when she is too exhausted to. She wants to find Cristina and have her hold her hand through the dark times, Lexie to soothe her with her kind sweet words and Alex to lay next to her when she can’t fall asleep. And Callie to crack a joke and make her smile. She wants her family, but she’s all alone, staring at the man who dared to hurt her after she’s been through hell.

“Meredith, wait-” Webber stands up from behind his desk, reaching out his hand as if this could stop her.

“I’m sorry,” Her voice cracks and she takes one last look at her boss before turning around and running out of the office.

Full-on crying, her chest wrecked with faint sobs, she doesn’t even notice Derek trying to stop her. She just rushes down to the closest place she can hide and has a hard time believing that the conversation happened. How can one person change their mind about what they think of you within a second? Where is the soft man to help her in the bad moments? Where is the man taking her in like his own daughter?

He doesn’t exist in the Chief’s office.

---

Derek Shepherd stands stunned in the middle of the bridge, watching Meredith’s back dressed in light blue scrubs disappear behind the corridor. He wants to run after her, but it’s not his role anymore, it’s not his place - he won’t be causing more stress calling after her and trying to chase her through the goddamn hospital. But to find her sobbing out of Richard’s office…

Maybe he cannot chase her, but he can do something else. Show up for all those times he let her down and hurt her; to prove he is changing and he is trying to fix all the mistakes of the past, which feels so distant yet was happening barely months, if not weeks ago.

Soon enough, Richard exits the office, looking around and rubbing his hand over his forehead, looking ten years older.

“Richard,” Derek slowly approaches him, hands on his hips. “What just happened?”

Instantly dismissing, he waves his hand and ignores him boldly, “Derek, I can’t do this right now.”

“She’s been through too much to have people she loves act out and take it out on her.”

“And how do you know?” Webber raises his voice, a strained note in his voice.

“I’m the one who hurt her like that,” Shepherd admits without an ounce of hesitation; the guilt and shame washing over him like a tsunami wave. He will never forgive himself for things he has done and he will never forget them. Not when they had such horrendous consequences. He’ll go to his grave regretting the words and knives he drove straight to Meredith’s heart and soul. “That’s how I know. I’m one of the biggest factors that destroyed her, to the point of ruination, That’s how I know.”

That seems to thoroughly open the Chief’s eyes. He stares at Derek, surprised by the honesty and almost killed by the realisation of what he has done to that girl, who only ever wanted love and family and had people fail her time after time. He failed her. All over again.

“I didn’t mean to,” His voice is barely a whisper.

“Then do better.”

“You’re not doing to be admonishing me, Shepherd.”

Derek gives him one more look before shooting straight at him, “Are you drinking again?”

“No,” But he lingers in his answer for a second too long to be left unsuspected.

“But you want to.”

The dark shadowed look Richard sends him says it all.

“Make it up to her,” Derek tells him, as a goodbye as he takes the walk across the hallway, hoping to perhaps bump into Grey or one of her close friends to have them know what happened. “Apologise to her. Don’t waste time like me.”

With that, he leaves the fallen man speechless, fighting the demons in his head that caused so much pain.

Notes:

i hope you enjoyed the return!! i've missed you all:)

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 55: you and i'll be safe and sound

Notes:

hello hello hellooooo everyone!
thank you so much for the warmest of welcomes i got after the last chapter<3 all the comments and messages on instagram brought me so much happiness and helped me get through this week. it's always such a treat so see familiar and new faces, i am absolutely grateful for each one of you.

i'm so excited to post this one. a new character coming! and i hope you'll love them as much as i love them. plus, i took a small spin on their job history to fit this story, so let me know if you liked the change!

enjoy this one:)

Her lungs feel like they’re burning, as she is trying to voraciously catch her breath and even when the air enters her mouth and nose, it feels like… she’s drowning all over again. Even if the nearest water is miles away, Meredith’s body is cold and only the salty tears springing from her eyes down her reddened cheeks appear hot on the skin.

Leaning with both of her hands on the washbasin, she has her head pointed downwards, the tears falling from her chin onto the white sink. 

Seeing herself broken like this, the reflection of a flushed face, wet with black mascara and eyes pricking, the gaze in her eyes so hallow, is haunting.

She is just so exhausted from people hurting her.

It’s like she’s been marked from the first day of her life to be let down time by time; she never asked for much. All she ever wanted was peace of mind and the end of the constant rollercoaster of ups and downs. She wants life to be quiet; she wants it to be held in someone’s arms and for protection to fall around her like armour. 

Yet, it’s not as heavy as before. No suicidal thoughts, no wanting to hurt herself, not feeling the usual edge which always kicked her down the cliffs into the freezing waves of a storm. She is just sad, a tad broken inside, but not falling down the hole of her bipolar disorder; perhaps that’s healing - not complete erasure of the pain, but being able to manage it. 

The tears don’t stop streaming, even with that knowledge.

She hopes no one would come in here, the least used employee-only restroom, but she hears the door open.

Flinching, Meredith looks into the mirror to see Izzie’s face reflecting by the entrance, frozen the moment she notices her ex-friend.

“Mer?”

She hasn’t heard Izzie speak her name in weeks. They haven’t talked since the end of December when everything got shattered in one of the patient’s room. Heard each other in the hallways, yes, but not looked at each other and mean the words to the other person; it’s so surreal, to have a woman she almost called a sister, the closest of friends, roommate for months and sharing their lives together, and have her being a stranger now. Tragic, if Meredith has to be frank.

Not having enough strength to keep looking at Stevens, she leans down back again, ducking her face from the view. Izzie doesn’t deserve to see her tears and surely isn’t tight with her enough to look at her in such a vulnerable state. 

“Meredith, are you okay?” Izzie finally moves and takes two steps forward, as if reaching out.

Meredith couldn’t give a fuck about the concerned tone of the voice. It’s too late to act like they’re not enemies. 

As always, there’s one unchangeable answer coming from Grey’s lips, “I’m fine.”

She wipes away her tears and feels proud to have stopped crying. There’s no way to let her hurt shine through in the presence of Izzie. She flinches again when she feels a gentle hand on her arm - without remorse, she shakes it off and shifts away from the warmth Izzie’s body emanates.

“Do you…” Izzie asks softly. “Need anything?”

Clearing her throat, Meredith stays unmoved, “You’re the last person who should be asking me that. Just leave me alone.”

“Listen, I know we’re not talking-”

“Stop. Stop it right now,” Mer almost doesn’t recognise the edge in her voice; almost like someone else is speaking for her. So cold, so unforgiving, everything Izzie Stevens deserves after putting her through hell. “You chose your side, don’t feel like you owe me anything. You made your choice and I’m not quite sure when you become a person to side with predators or assaulters, but it’s a shame.”

“I am sorry,” Izzie says, maybe even whispers. “I really am.”

This time, it’s Meredith who rescues herself. Straightening her back and staring at her reflection, she cleans her face from the tears and smudged makeup until she looks half-presentable, blinking and trying to recognise the cold woman looking straight at her. 

One deep breath and she turns towards Izzie and looks up at the person who betrayed her in the worst way possible.

“Words mean nothing, Izzie. Nothing when you cross them off with your actions,” For a moment Meredith thinks the woman speaking from her chest isn’t her, but then realises, connecting the kind and soft part of her with the frozen-to-the-bone woman, that’s still her. Both sides of her, neither better nor worse. “Iz, I almost begged you to choose me instead of him. But I’m so glad I didn’t lose the rest of my dignity like that, just to beg a completely emotionally deranged girl to not leave.”

Deep inside, in the darkest nooks of her heart, Mer hopes she will dream of Izzie in better places, in better light and she won’t remember how the reality is painted. They could’ve climbed to the top together, gone further than anyone else, but now all they can do is search for each other only in dreams. It feels like it’s a history that will never find an end, most certainly not a happy one.

“Meredith, I might-”

“You ruined something very beautiful for a thing, a person so ugly it’s unbelievable. And I don’t want to listen to you for any second longer.”

Meredith wants to kiss Lexie all over her face when she storms into the restroom, her gaze a bit wild as she looks straight at them.

“Meredith, Derek told me…” Her sentence runs off before finishing when she sees the puffy red pair of eyes and swollen face after crying, and Izzie’s fallen expression.

The blonde looks back at Meredith and back at Lexie, whose face is instantly painted with slipping anger, about to attack.

“I better go,” Izzie says, a coward at once when a vision of being fought by Lexie washes over her. There are not a lot of people to fear Lexie Grey, the kindest soul in this dreary city, but Izzie became one of them the day she broke her half-sister’s trust and heart.

“That would be for the best,” Meredith says, voice cracking.

Hiding her face away, her dark blonde hair falling around her face like a shield from the outside world, she waits until the door falls shut and she is left alone with Lexie.

“Are you alright?” Lexie’s voice is tender like a soothing touch easing down the pain of getting third-degree burns.

“I’m fine,” Meredith barks, immediately feeling guilty for it. “Thanks.”

“Addison is about to meet her new OB and she’s been looking for you,” Her voice gets quieter and the guilt fills Mer up even more. “She paged you, I think.”

“I was… caught up in the moment,” She says. “I didn’t hear it.”

Despite being treated dryly and coldly, Lexie wants to be the summer sun for Meredith when her sister is stuck in forever winter. She wants to take the bomb from her head and disarm it, so she won’t hurt herself and everybody else around. There’s something entirely soul-crushing to see your older sibling being broken down like this while they pretend to be fine; it’s this unsaid rule that the oldest takes care of the younger but Lexie wants to break it and wants to be there for Meredith. The way she was for her after the break-up with Amelia.

Her footsteps are so quiet that Meredith doesn’t hear her approach. She feels a soft touch on her face and recoils all at once, staring daggers at Lexie, “What are you doing?”

There is a white tissue in Lexie’s hand, attempting to clean up any sign of crying on her sister’s face.

“Let me take care of you,” Lexie says, trying to smile reassuringly. “OK?”

“Why?”

Oh, Meredith…

“That’s what sisters do.”

The next time she touches Meredith’s face, older Grey leans into the touch and her eyelashes flutter as she shuts her eyes. When the next deceitful tears flow, she lets Lexie embrace her and hold her until she’s alright.

---

Loud young voices, sometimes even screeches and shrieks, echo through the white and blue hallways of the hospital, as Callie leads Meredith and Addison through the Peds ward, stopping by one of the nurses' stations. 

Tapping her fingers on the smooth surface, Callie’s cheeks are flushed the tiniest tint of pink and her pupils widened in something between dread and excitement. She barely notices the looks Mer and Addie exchange, smiling at each other; Addison sees the red eyes and mouths to Meredith worried questions and Meredith promises to tell her once they are out of this hellish place called Seattle Grace.

Her mood rose instantly when she met the two of her friends and the fight with the Chief… it feels like it happened a week ago, not this morning. She’s okay after being held by her sister and having hugged Addison and Callie for the greeting.

“You’re weirdly nervous,” Addison tries to hold back the smirk and act sincerely alarmed. “Torres, should I question your choice of a physician for me?”

“No. She’s great,” Callie worries her bottom lip between her front teeth. “For real.”

“Alright…”

“I mean it.”

“I’m not arguing with you, I’m just-”

That’s when an attractive blonde appears right around the corner and her eyes light up when she sees Callie. Callie, who instantly straightens her back, pushes herself off the station and fixes her hair anxiously. Addison and Meredith both gape when the blonde turns out to be roller-skating on her shoes through the hallway, smoothly making her way between employees and patients. 

The beaming smile on her lips and flash of white teeth, the curled hair caught up in a high ponytail, but most importantly the way she carries herself, makes her appear like the personification of the sun itself.

“Calliope!”

She halts so instantly, that it’s almost like slamming at the brakes.

“Hi,” Callie chuckles, and she is pulled into the woman’s personal space by gravitation itself. She is down bad . “This is my…”

“Doctor Montgomery!” The blonde reaches out her hand, her smile never fading. “Nice to officially meet you! Callie can’t seem to shut up about you. I’m Doctor Robbins-” Her hold is strong when they shake hands. “But you can call me Arizona.”

Addison smiles back, a bit surprised, “Like the…”

“Like the state, yes.”

“To be fair, you can call me Addison.”

“Nice to meet you then, Addison,” Arizona nods and her eyes fall on Meredith standing on Addie’s left. “And..”

“I’m Meredith,” Grey also shakes on it. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Arizona’s gaze is undoubtedly curious when it hangs over Meredith, of course knowing Grey’s reputation and the dramatic happenings of 2007 and McDreamy, but she doesn’t speak a word about it. Instead, her mind connects other facts as she looks again at Addison. “Callie told me you’re a single parent, Addison… Not that mind! I am extremely lesbianic myself.”

At the same time, Meredith and Addison begin trying to form a sensible sentence, failing miserably and becoming a stuttering mess.

“They’re besties,” Callie says and can’t stop the snort. She can’t wait to find Sloan and tell him all about it.

“Besties having a child together?” Arizona’s brows furrow, almost a frown if it wasn’t for the curled corners of her lips. 

It’s surely not the time and place to unpack that Pandora's box and Callie catches Arizona’s elbow and sends her a knowing look, “Arizona, can we maybe…”

“Sure. Let’s go, I got us a free exam room. Plus the results from New York just arrived.”

The four of them head down the corridors until they’re out of Peds and enter the OB/GYN section of the building; To fill the silence of their group, Arizona decides to speak up as they take a turn left and she is looking for the right door.

“I’m the new chief of Peds but before I transferred to this speciality, I was an OB attending in a different hospital. I have two years of MFM training. I’m good at what I do. You have no reason to worry,” She hums some melody under her breath after her little speech. 

“She’s really good,” Callie adds.

“Thank you, Calliope,” The grin on her face as she glances above her shoulder back to wink at Callie is truly like sunrays coming from the grey clouds after a torrent. “And here we are.”

Meredith thought she knew what it meant to be gay for a woman, but seeing Callie and Arizona making eyes at each other and being so smitten is an entirely different level of being a lesbian. It’s cute, though, and much more prefers Arizona Robbins after knowing her for five minutes than Erica Hahn after knowing her for months. She just seems… like a true sweetheart. She heard people calling some surgeon “Doctor Sweetheart” and she might just have gotten to know that person, she bets on Arizona with all she has.

They get into the exam room and Addison allows Callie to stay with them, who seems to be ecstatic to stay in Arizona’s presence for the next twenty minutes. The puppy dog eyes she makes are enough for Montgomery to roll her eyes and shake her head, which Torres downright ignores.

As Addison settles on the bed, Arizona opens the results on the computer she’s sitting in front of, focused on the text. Meredith stands by Addie’s side, trying to steal a glance at whatever is written there, finding her hand being held tightly by Addison’s fingers; she understands the stress, her levels of it almost making her head spin, and for sure heart race. 

“So you had a suspicion of anaemia…” Arizona says thoughtfully before making her mind up, checking the results one more time. “From what I can see here, you have a dangerously low level of haemoglobin, along with the hematocrit.”

“So it’s as bad as I thought.”

Meredith squeezes Addie’s hand and Callie finally comes back down to earth, trying to smile with sympathy to her friend.

“We should be glad we caught it now,” Arizona says, finding the silver lining. “Have you experienced much fatigue or rapid heartbeat?”

Before Montgomery can even say a word, Meredith does it first, “She fainted twice in New York.”

“ Once, ” Addison shoots a grim look at Mer. “The other time my head just spun but nothing happened.”

“Prenatal vitamin and iron supplements aren’t enough in this case. It’s too severe. Of course, you’ll get a prescription for more of those, but we need a blood transfusion here.”

Addison nods, taking in the information, but she doesn’t hear anything else that she didn’t expect. Having dealt with cases like this every couple of months, she does know every step of it, but it’s rarely she gets a severe case like herself. Maybe that’s the luck she’s been counting on - deep inside she knew it had to run out eventually. She’s never had much of it in her life. As depressing as it is, it’s also truthful.

“What about the baby?” Her hand lands on her round belly, in a maternal instinct. But how can she protect her babygirl from her own deceitful body? How can she save her from her body failing her?

“We’ll check on it now,” Arizona says and puts on a pair of gloves.

With the gel spread on Addison’s stomach and the ultrasound machine ready, Arizona begins the examination with gentle moves. Meredith is almost like a golden retriever, waiting for the final judgement before she begins wiggling her tail and jumping around; it only shows how much your mindset and mood change when you’re around the right people.

“Do you know the sex?” Arizona asks, careful not to slip.

“Yes,” Addison smiles nervously. “It’s a babygirl.”

“Babygirl it is. Do you have a name chosen yet?”

Three pairs of curious eyes fall on the lying woman whose smile turns from anxiety into mystery, “Not officially.”

“And unofficially?” Arizona tries again, making everyone in the room laugh. She has a magical ability to calm down any easiness with her presence and somehow it feels right to perhaps greet her soon into their little group.

“I’m not sharing my secrets yet,” Addison says and looks up at Meredith. “Not even to you, sweetheart, so don’t ask.”

Meredith fakes a pout. 

“Fair enough…” Arizona nods and looks back at the screen, slowly moving the scanner on the slick skin. “Okay, so the baby is doing alright now but we don’t want to put her into distress. I would recommend going home for the evening and I’m going to deal with the blood transfusion as soon as possible. Also, you could talk to Chief about cutting down the hours of your work, keep it down and slow.”

“Okay,” There’s a part of Addison wanting to fight back the idea, and cannot imagine slowing down, but then she looks down at her stomach and finds her priorities pretty easily. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Arizona takes a couple of more takes to make sure everything is like she said and then nods, satisfied. She hands a paper towel to Addison to clean her stomach. “I’m glad I got to meet Calliope’s friends.”

“We’re glad Callie finally introduced us,” Meredith smiles kindly. 

She has taken a big liking to Robbins, especially for how she treated Addison and how she took everything very seriously. 

“Finally ?” Arizona turns to Callie. “Have you talked to your friends about me?”

Callie stutters, unable to answer and Addison brings her out of her misery as she zips her trousers and pulls down her sweater, “Not really, she was intending to keep you as your little secret. Not surprised, though, you’re such a catch, I would be worried if someone was trying to steal you from me.”

“Oh, Addison,” She bursts into pearly laughter. “You’re so sweet.”

Suddenly, Meredith’s enjoyment of Arizona’s presence shrinks, especially when the blonde’s hand lands on Addie’s elbow. She glances if Callie minds, but she is so caught up staring at Arizona’s pretty features that she doesn’t even notice the little touch.

The four of them leave the examination room, only to bump into Alex waiting in front of the door, pager in his hand.

“Alex?” Meredith eyes him up and down. “What are you doing here?”

“Working, girl,” He waves the pager in the air. “Doctor Robbins, I sent Jackson for a head CT.”

“Very well, Karev,” Arizona’s smile fades a bit, but not in an unkind way, rather professional. "I need you in one case, come with me.” He follows her without one word and she turns around to grin at them once again and call out. “Nice meeting you two. I’ll contact you later, Addison!” Then she tilts her shoes and starts roller-skating again, making Alex run after her.

Sighing like a lovesick schoolgirl, Callie takes her eyes away once they disappear in the distance and looks at her friends, “What do you think?”

“She’s nice,” Meredith says, trying not to let jealousy slip in her voice. “Not dark. Not twisted.”

“Personification of sunlight, I like her,” Addison gently pats Callie on her arm and then embraces her around the shoulders. “And I trust her with my baby. You picked a nice girl, Torres.”

“I know,” Callie says and then blinks furiously. “I mean. She’s a good friend.”

“Friend. ”

“Shut up,” Callie snarls. “Go home.”

“Thank Arizona again for taking Addison in,” Meredith decides to lay back down, realising she would be acting foolishly holding a grudge over niceties. “And for keeping it private.”

“Will do.”

“And now, let’s go home,” Meredith catches Addison’s hand, pulling her down the corridor. 

Addison looks at her surprised, “You’re going with me?”

Nothing is holding Meredith in this hospital. Maybe it’s bad to disappear on her first day back, but her interns are on it and she’s on call in case someone slips; but she’s so tired of marching on with the heaviness of what happened in the Chief’s office today, feeling it her bones, this kind of fragility. So, she goes home. She goes where her heart is, and her heart is always following Addison, so where Addison is, there is her home.

---

Half an hour later, they’re both stretched out on the bed, changed into pyjamas, and a comfortable silence surrounds them. The sheets are freshly changed, smelling exactly how Addison does sometimes, warmly and like freshly-cut grass, and citrusy fragrance around it, so crisp and so familiar. 

On her stomach, Meredith is leaning over the paperwork she picked up on her way back, to fix her students’ mistakes. Glancing from time to time at Addison, whose back is resting against the headboard, faces into the pages of The Hunger Games, already halfway through the book. She’s the fastest reader Meredith has ever met and it’s just so pleasant to stare at her while a small crinkle appears between her eyebrows when she focuses. 

After three pages, Meredith feels such boredom that she drops all of it on the floor and begins to roll around the bed, like an attention-starved puppy. 

“What?” Addison looks up from her read, in those sexy teacher glasses of hers, that slide down her nose. 

Meredith bats her eyelashes, “Read me the last passage you marked.”

“No.”

“C’mon,” Mer rolls around once again, realising how ridiculous she looks; at this point, she is so relaxed around Addison that she cannot even care about appearing a certain way. “I had a very bad day. Humour me a bit.”

That makes Addison drop the book in her lap, “What do you mean? What happened?”

“I fought with Chief. Then I bumped into Izzie who wanted to be Mother Teresa. Read to me.”

“I will, once you tell me exactly what happened,” Addison reaches her hands and brushes back a strand of blonde hair behind Meredith’s ear. “Mer, tell me. I want to know.”

“You have enough to worry about.”

“Meredith Grey, tell me right now.”

“Fine,” But at the cruel hurtful memories and the words shot at her like bullets, she escapes the emerald insightful gaze and stares at the wall, hoping her voice doesn’t crack and tears don’t swell in her eyes. “Well, Chief has been doing all those investigations why his hospital failed and decided to blame it on me. Said I make him too soft and- he was mad he cares about me and that he found out about George because now he can only think about that and it ruins the hospital.”

“He did what ?” Addison freezes. She stares at Meredith and there’s this fury bubbling up in her aura, close to bursting.

“Yeah, and I… I cried, because, you know, it wasn’t fun, the whole conversation,” A tear rolls down her cheek and Meredith hates herself for crying, hates for how her heart breaks all over again just thinking about the morning meeting. “I ran and Izzie caught me crying in the restroom. She tried to make it better, which, of course, made it only worse. Then Lexie came and saved me, so to speak.” 

She tries to speak up again, but her voice fails her. Only a croak comes out of her lips and she begins to weep. 

Soon, she’s swept up into a tight embrace and her face hides in Addison’s neck and she clings onto her body like she’s the only thing that can keep her floating. Her chest is suffocating and sweet nothings whispered into her ear, soft kisses on her cheeks make it better. She feels her body relaxing in the hug, her tears dry and all the thoughts of she was brought to this earth to only suffocate and be smothered drift away, leaving her alone.

“I’m sorry this happened,” Addison murmurs, her lips pressed against Meredith’s forehead. “It shouldn’t have taken place. Never. Ever. I’m going to have a word with Richard. If he doesn’t change his ways, he’ll lose another attending. Well, perhaps even two if I talk Mark into it. Then, he’ll know exactly how it is to fail a hospital.”

Meredith is too tired to argue. There’s no way to stop Addison if she puts her mind to something, so she only nods and stops clinging onto her, releasing the tight hold. 

“Read to me?”

“Okay.”

They shift into their previous positions and Meredith sniffs before setting her eyes on Addison, who’s searching for the right page.

“No one has held me like this in such a long time. Since my father died and I stopped trusting my mother, no one’s arms have made me feel this safe. ”

It’s beautiful, and Grey feels these words down to the core. Instead of saying anything at first, she pushes herself lower down the mattress until she is face to face with Addie’s stomach.

“See?” She feels a dumb smile crawl on her lips when Addison’s eyes widen in concern. “Your mom humours me whenever I ask.”

“Grey, she can’t even hear you,” Addison shakes with laughter, trying to hold it in. What an idiot. But her idiot.

“Who knows,” Meredith gently pulls up the burgundy shirt, exposing the soft bump - she wonders how quickly the baby has grown since Christmas; there would be no way now to hide the pregnancy and even with the hardships on the horizon… Mer just wants to enjoy this period; sometimes you get a feeling you’re in an era of your life you’re going to remember forever. “You don’t know if she can or cannot.”

“I’m a double board-certified OB/GYN, I’m pretty sure I do know.”

“Okay. Shush,” Meredith rolls her eyes and ignores the amusement written all over her best friend’s face. “I’m not talking to you anymore. I’m talking to baby bee from now on.”

“It’s enough Lexie plays her Taylor Swift on headphones against my stomach ever since she got insane about Fearless,” Addison snorts, reminiscing the slow evenings at the apartment where they bake sweet treats and later eat all of them up as her roommate plays the record and makes her unborn babygirl listen.

Meredith cutely scrunches her nose, “Taylor Swift?”

“You gotta get used to her music when Lexie moves in.”

“Don’t make me question the entire sharing of my frat house with a pregnant lady and her adopted adult AKA my half-sister,” Her fingers trail circles on the stretched skin, which appears to be tickling Addison but the woman lets her touch her. 

“You’re too soft to deny me now,” Addison raises an eyebrow, with a confident smile which works at Meredith like a spell.

“Addie…” She murmurs and for a moment her name lingers in the air between them, almost electric. The only thing stuck in Grey’s head is the moment in New York, sharing a bed, talking in hushed whispers until one of them started snoring, the kiss and the embraces they held each other in. Why is it always in different cities, different places when things like those happen? Does it make them not real? That each time they return to Seattle, it fades to nothing. Blinking, she realises Addison is watching her closely, so she tries to appear normal before looking down at her stomach. “Whatever. I’m talking to baby bee now.”

“She can’t hear you.”

“I just… want her to like me when she’s born, you know? I want to be the cool Auntie Mer and… what if she hates me? What if she starts crying every time I hold her?”

“Why would she hate you?” Addison frowns and reaches out her hand to rest her fingers under Meredith’s chin, with her thumb on top of it, making her look at her. “She’s growing inside of me, and I have so much respect and love for you, it’s truly impossible for her to hate you. Not if she’s like her mother.”

Meredith gazes lovingly, not believing she somehow ended up so close to the most perfect woman walking on this planet. Half a year ago she was completely broken and lost, until Addison Montgomery came into her room at the hospital and held her in her arms. Looking back, that must have been it. It’s been written in their fate that first night and nothing and no one could stop them from getting here; Addison is a breath of fresh air in her lungs, her life and her hopes for humanity. Her hopes to form a family.

“Anyways,” She manages to say, her voice choked up with emotion, as she blinks away the tears and gently moves from the gentle hold of Addison’s fingers. Once again, she turns to the stomach and clears her throat. “Your mom is going to be the best in the world. You probably want to ask how I know that, and well, she was the one to take care of me when I was at my lowest. She’s a great caretaker. And a healer. So you’re going to have the best life possible with a mommy like this, you are so lucky. Even if you’re going to be raised in a home with me, Auntie Mer and Aunt Lexie and… Uncle Alex.” She snorts at the vision of Karev being an uncle and babysitting the baby. “But don’t worry about it. We’ll do our best. And even if your mommy goes overboard sometimes, she does it from pure love, nothing else. I didn’t have a good mother like that, she never really wanted me, but that’s never happening to you.” 

Her warm breath tickles the delicate skin, and she brushes her cheek against the belly, taking in the peaceful moment after a stormy morning.

Addison is watching Meredith with a tear slowly rolling down her cheek, and her heart swells into such sizes she fears it won’t fit her ribcage. If she didn’t know already she is in love with Meredith, this would be the moment of her realisation.

No one ever gave her such a blissful life as Meredith does.

She is far too afraid to ask now, to ruin the serenity. 

But the scene unfolding in front of her makes her die on the spot.

Then, Meredith’s sweet lips gently kiss her stomach and the blonde gasps, “She kicked me!”

“What?” Addison’s eyes focus once again, being pulled out of the train of thought. 

“Baby bee just kicked me!” Meredith jumps up, bouncing a little on the mattress. “When I kissed you!”

Five seconds later, she is leaning down again to kiss the stomach again and has the movement repeat, eyes growing into two giant coins as she stares in awe. 

“She’s kicking,” Addison murmurs, hand pressed to her lips, as she feels the fluttering motions inside her womb. “She’s kicking!”

She’s had those sensations before but wasn’t quite sure if that’s what kicking is supposed to feel like - even as a trained OB/GYN, she has never been on this end of the stick. In theory, she knows, but in practice…

“Oh my God,” Meredith grins and kisses the stomach again, but this time the baby doesn’t kick. 

It doesn’t take a long moment to see a movement under the layers of skin and muscles, a gentle sign on the bump.

After it all, this might be one of the greatest moments of Meredith’s life, as she laughs joyously with Addison, the two of them drunk on love for the child and each other. A bubble which won’t burst today, but eventually, once the final storm comes over their heads, it will be tested, their devotion to each other and strength to see if they can swim through the ocean for each other.

It won’t happen today, though.

Today, they have their peace and love and glee. Tomorrow will show.

Notes:

thank you for reading! i will read your thoughts on this chapter with pleasure<3
(don't you just love doctor sweetheart?)

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 56: i was a lonely soul but that’s the old me

Notes:

hello hello helloooo guys!!

i am thrilled by how warmly you greeted arizona in the story! i couldn't wait to bring her into this fic and there's little of her in this chapter, however, some more content with her will be shared next monday:)

i'm posting a bit later today than usual, but i had to deal with paperwork for a job i got for an event that's happening later this week. it's actually a cardiology congress, so please manifest for me to meet a cardio goddess (cristina or teddy or BOTH please show up there and marry me)!!!

we got another character officially joining us (after being mentioned once...) but i don't think y'all will be happy about it lol. now thinking about it, i realise this chapter is focused on three men and that is not very girlie pop of me but we gotta deal with it.

i hope you enjoy it nonetheless<3

“Honestly, I cannot phantom what are you questioning,” Cristina says, walking down the corridor with her person by her side, the two strolling to the residents' lounge to change into scrubs. “You kiss her, you sleep and spoon with her, you hold hands, you are always in your little sickly and disgustingly sweet bubble. The only thing missing is you two going at it like a pair of bunnies.”

“Cristina,” Meredith groans, seven a.m. is too early to deal with the ambiguously romantic friendship she has going on with Addison at the moment. “I’m not having this conversation again.”

“Because you’re a pussy.”

“I can’t even-”

Cristina freezes on the spot before Meredith finishes her sentence. She stays still, eyes widened and mouth gaping, like her brain circulates and lags momentarily.

There’s some ginger guy shaking hands with Chief. Her nose scrunches with bitterness at the sight of the second man, not wanting to bump into him after the treatment she got from him two weeks ago.

Then, the blonde looks at Yang, frowning and about to speak up and ask what shocked her when Cristina grabs her arm - a murderous type of grip - looking like a doe caught in headlights.

“RUN!”

Meredith does, no question asked. Even if she didn’t, she would end up following Cristina given how strongly the woman is holding her arm. She’s a good best friend, after all. She grabs Cristina’s arm as well, and in this awkward and stupid position, the two of them run down the corner and then proceed to cross the entire length of the corridor at masterful speed. She must look like an idiot with the surprise and shock reigning on her expression as her eyes keep landing on Cristina, who never reciprocates the gaze, fixed on the goal. Which seems to be pulling them around another corner and collapsing against the wall, heavily breathing.

Out of breath, Meredith cannot even ask - instead, she leans out of the wall and tries to find the danger, but there are only a couple of nurses and an attending talking to one of them. Nothing alarming, nothing out of the ordinary.

She glances back at Cristina, finding her voice, “Okay, what was that all about?”

“I just saw Owen,” Cristina is leaning down, her hands on her knees as she is trying to catch her breath. “Major Owen Hunt.”

“Who?” Meredith’s eyebrows furrow even further.

Cristina straightens out and whispers to her, “You know. The guy who pulled the icicle from my chest.”

If it’s even possible, Meredith appears more confused, “I thought he was in Iraq.”

“Well yeah, he was,” Cristina spreads her arms before flapping them on both of her sides. “And now he’s here, in my hospital.”

“Okay, so what now?”

Meredith does feel like it’s her deal, too. Whatever happens to her person, she is involved, whether she likes it or not. It’s been like this since the night when they called each other ‘my person' for the first time; late at night at Joe’s when Cristina confessed she was pregnant and decided to have an abortion. Ever since then, their fates are forever intertwined - not because it has to be that way, but because she chooses every single day to stick by Cristina Yang, ride or die kind of thing. They’ve come a long way, and now a new obstacle is in their way.

“The kiss,” Cristina places her hand on her forehead and shuts her eyes, the other hand on her hip as she begins to walk in a circle, ignoring the weird looks she gets from some redhead across the hallway. “It was stupid, it was nothing. Stupid nothing.”

“So I’m guessing…” Meredith leans from the corridor but doesn’t see Hunt in near sight. “You don’t think he thinks it was a stupid nothing.”

“I mean, he obviously likes me, and now he’s back. What is he doing back?”

“You don’t think he quit the military for you?” Meredith asks surprised. How down bad he would have to be to cross the ocean and change his life just because of the woman he kissed once? Of course, Cristina is a catch, but let’s be serious for a moment here. Cristina’s fed-up annoyed expression tells her all she needs to know. “I mean that would be severely stalkerish, but… very romantic.”

“Oh, stop with the romantic shit,” Cristina snaps, before softening a bit. “You are being all mushy lesbian lovers, you don’t see clearly. I’m not getting involved with another attending.” She inhales deeply. “Coast clear?”

Meredith takes her position on the corner for God knows which time, and peeks around the corner. 

She nods at Cristina.

This is going to be an interesting day.

---

Lucky for Cristina Yang, she doesn’t bump into Owen Hunt even once. Interestingly for Meredith Grey, she is sent to work with him for his first day as trauma attending; he is a bit rough, clearly a soldier and an army guy and she does try to take him seriously, but all she sees while hearing his voice is the scene of pulling the icicle out of Cristina’s abdomen.

Another fact, he is far from her type. Well, yes, Meredith’s type is women and not men, but she is not blind. She can recognise Derek is handsome, Mark is very steamy, and Alex has this harsh and I’ll-beat-up-a-guy-for-you quality about him that makes good girls swoon. She can see with her eyes, and her eyes are telling her each time she looks at the ginger that he is not worthy of a minute of her person’s time if it comes to the looks. Cristina is a walking goddess, and he is…

Well, a war-loving guy. Thinking he’s the boss, when he is far from it.

She tries for a long time to find positives about him - he has a nice body, that’s true, visible years of working out. He knows his things, is creative in his healing patients and reacts quickly. Not dumb medically, but she senses he might be dense when it comes to human emotions and feelings.

It’s not like Meredith is very much evolved when it comes to dealing with those - but she’s changing. She’s on the other side of the bridge, finding it easier to open up and not shut down from all her friends when something happens.

Overall, she does not like Owen Hunt. And doesn’t want him an inch near Cristina. If he came here from Iraq for her…

She’s about to start that topic when nine hours later, on her lunch break, she meets Cristina and they head to the lounge to gossip. But as they walk inside the room, Meredith’s shoulder hits with Izzie’s. The woman is storming out of the residents' lounge with a scowl on her face, probably just done with making a scene. 

The first thing Meredith sees after watching the blonde’s back disappear is Alex’s grimace. 

“Trouble in the paradise, Evil Spawn?” Cristina asks and heads to her locker to grab a protein bar.

“Hardly a paradise,” Alex snorts bitterly and drops heavily onto the bench. “This is worse than the ninth circle of Dante’s hell.”

Cristina seems to be having a blast infuriating him, asking with a mocking voice, “Don’t wanna take your girlfriend to our family dinner?” 

“Well, don’t you wanna take your army boyfriend?” Alex shoots right back at her.

Cristina’s delighted face falls into a darkened grimace, mirroring the same expression Alex had after his fight with Izzie.

They’re seconds from throwing themselves at each other’s throats, glaring at each other; Cristina with her mouth full of the bar and Alex tightening his fists. So, as a good friend would do, Meredith steps in between their two benches.

“Okay, kids, let me stop you right there.”

In the end, Cristina settles on flipping Alex off, who returns the sentiment.

The crisis is averted. Meredith can sit next to Alex, leaning her back against his strong shoulder and letting herself rest a bit after the intense morning. She likes they’re so familiar with each other that he doesn’t tense anymore under her touch; they’ve drifted apart a bit since the Izzie drama but he chose her side, crystal clear. Deep inside, she knows she can count on him and she likes to have him in her house, their house, feeling safe when he’s just a wall away, or failing at cooking in the kitchen and having her help him which ends with miraculously not burned down kitchen. There’s the comfort he brings with him, despite others viewing him as rough, unfriendly and aggressive. But the real Alex Karev, deep inside, can be the kindest if he only tries.

“So,” Meredith says. “We’re meeting by the front entrance in an hour.”

A couple of days ago, she came up with the idea of arranging a group meeting, or outing for dinner or drinks. She mentioned it to Callie, not thinking it would happen, but apparently Torres sent texts to everyone, creating a groupchat, and here they are, about to finally meet somewhere else than the chaos of Seattle Grace.

“Who’s coming, by the way?” Alex asks. 

Meredith pushes herself off his side to look at him when she talks, “Addie, Lexie, Mark…” She counts on her fingers. “Us. Callie is bringing a new friend.”

“Hopefully it’s not some loser.”

“She’s actually really nice. A bit too sunny and joyful to me, but nice. A sweetheart some would say,” Meredith says, waiting for Karev’s brain to catch up with what she’s suggesting but he stares at her with blank eyes. “C’mon, Alex. You know her.”

“I know a lot of nice women,” Alex shrugs. “I take them to bed.”

“Callie is bringing Arizona.”

“Arizona,” Alex repeats, brushing through his hair. “As in, Arizona Robbins, my pediatric attending that doesn’t want to let go of me?”

“There aren’t many Arizonas in this hospital, bro,” Cristina says, finishing her protein bar and attempting to throw the wrapper into the rubbish bin, failing and having to stand up and pick it up. She looks at Mer on her way back to the bench. “So, Callie has a new girlfriend?”

“Who knows.”

Frankly, Meredith is ninety-nine per cent sure Callie has gotten together with Arizona but is far too fearful of talking about sapphic relationships because it can very easily turn into the same conversation about her and Addison she’s been having with Cristina for the past five days, on repeat.

“Mer,” Alex says, remembering. “The U-haul finally arrived today, I made them carry all the boxes to the first floor to the magical room with everything.”

“You mean the room where we keep all the shit we don’t know where to put?” Meredith hums, making Cristina let out a bark of laughter. 

“Or… the room where the scary screaming baby will be living in…”

“In four months.”

They are about to continue their never-ending conversation when they hear a soft knocking on the open door. The three of them turn their heads at the same time, in perfect synchronisation to see Richard Webber’s graying head pop up in the room. 

“Grey, can I talk to you?” He sounds nervous, standing in his white coat, looking too small to be called the Chief.

Cristina and Alex both turn to look at their friend sitting between them, ready to protect and defend if it comes down to it. As the weeks pass by, Meredith slowly becomes softer and braver to take the pain of the world on her chest and not have it destroy her, but she has her moments of failure. And in those moments, both Yang and Karev are ready to stand up for her.

“I’m fine,” Meredith says calmly. “I’ll be fine. You can go.”

They leave, looking above their shoulders one last time before the door falls closed and Richard steps inside, looking out of place. 

He stands awkwardly for a moment, looking at Meredith.

“Chief?” She raises an eyebrow, almost encouragingly. 

If he dares to say one more word in the same manner he said to her the last time they talked, she won’t cry this time. She will more probably stop herself from pushing him onto the floor and releasing a series of curses that only sailors know.

He hesitates but decides to move forward and sits down on the same bench she is sitting, at a respectable distance.

“I know you have every right to not want to listen to me,” He begins, his heart heavy. “But I am asking you to give me a chance.”

“I’m listening,” Meredith says, not meeting his eyes and staring at the floor, counting the specks of dirt on her tennis shoes.

“I made a mistake,” Richard says after a while. The truth hurts in his voice, but he means it, to the very bottom of his heart. “I keep making mistakes, as it shows, the ones I promised myself to never repeat. I let you down. And I’m going to apologise time after time until you can trust me again, that I won’t hurt you again. I am sorry, Meredith. I’ve been struggling with my personal demons and I took it out on you. I am so sorry. I’m saying it with every ounce of me.”

Meredith’s eyes glisten against her own will. She just… she has never experienced a parental figure apologising for their mistakes, not genuinely. She has never had this and all she can do is stare at his troubled expression. 

“I can’t give everyone a hundred chances,” She tries doing her best for her voice not to quaver, but it’s impossible. “I can’t afford to do that to myself.”

“I know.”

“For someone who claims to treat me like their kid, you’re doing a poor job.”

“I think that might be the problem, jumping to the topic,” Richard clears his throat and breaks their eye contact for a moment, rubbing his forehead in deep thought. “I’ve felt for a long time, but you never wanted to hear me say that.” When he looks up at her again, she’s looking at him with confusion, eyebrows furrowed and nose scrunched in curiosity and question. “You are my daughter. In my eyes, I see you as my daughter. It’s my fault, my problem, and I’m the only one who is supposed to deal with it. I can’t even disown you emotionally. I care about you, Meredith. So much. And I’ve been failing at parenting all the way. I’m turning into the same people who were supposed to be your parents and let you down in every moment of your life. And I don’t want to be like them. I want to be better. So you feel supported, important and… loved.”

He blinks away the glassy surface of his brown eyes, and her eyes mirror it, as an overwhelming feeling washes over her.

She has denied Webber how deep their connection is, plainly because of how their lifetimes intertwined because of Ellis Grey. She always pushed it away, not healed enough to accept she might find a parent in someone who was never connected to her by bloodline, she always thought she was better off alone, raising herself alone. As a kid, into adolescence and now adulthood. 

But she is not the same person she was a year ago.

She has grown. 

“Meredith, just let me-” Richard sounds choked up like there is a chain tightening around his throat. “Let me fix this and let me be your parent.”

No adult has ever valued Meredith Grey enough to care if she’s hurt, if she’s in pain, if she deserves an apology. Well, Susan did, but how did that last? It was too good to last and ever since, Meredith felt a pang of regret of how that story ended, and what consequences it carried. But Thatcher and Ellis? Have they ever thought of her so deeply to sit down by her side and apologise a thousand times and offered themselves to fix their mistakes just so she could trust them again?

At the mere thought…

All the pent-up grief and brokenness is released from her system when she bursts out crying, her shoulders shaking as sobs wreck her chest. Everything pours out of her, that she’s been holding back when good moments happened and she focused on grabbing them with everything she had while digging a grave for all of her sorrows and traumas, willing to bury them. 

It’s not the right way, though. Burying something doesn’t mean it’s dead; you can bury something alive and then it hurts, because it’s choking on lack of air, screams to be let out, pleading to be freed and heard. 

She lost the sense of it.

Richard’s strong arm embraces her and pulls her in, and she rests her cheek on his shoulder. His hand caresses her arm up and down, in a comforting manner and she cannot see this but two salty tears run down his face, aching for this girl in his hug, that’s so hungry for love of a parent she’s always been denied of.

She wets his white coat as she cries, but neither of them cares. 

“It’s okay,” Richard says. “We’re okay.”

“Yeah,” Meredith nods, sniffling and then she laughs thinking of something; it’s a choked-on-tears sound, but still a sincere laugh. She hesitates for a second before adding, “We’re fine, Dad.”

Both of them burst out in bittersweet laughter. She wipes her tears away.

---

Parting ways with Richard, on a good note, but very much emotional, once her cries and hiccups quiet down, Meredith marches down the corridors with a newly found strength. The things she’s released in residents lounge have been a long time coming, and she’s glad she lost herself today in the presence of Chief. Her eyes are swollen and the tip of her nose red, as the remainder of the bad memories she let go of and welcomed new, good ones, into her head.

She has her last patient of the day to check and then she’s off to the dinner that everybody has been talking about, like it’s a big important event. After all, they hardly have time to meet up with a couple of people, even more in such a big group.

So caught up in her thoughts, when she walks down the corner, she walks straight into someone and hits her head against their chin.

“Oh, crap-” Meredith looks up to see her ex-boyfriend slash ex-nemesis, turned into a man with a redemption arc. “Derek!”

“Meredith, sorry,” He smiles at her and she wonders how this man used to be so violent and now… the change has been so visible since Christmas. A part of her is joyous at it, remembering the good times they had. His eyes take in her face and the happy expression turns into concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Meredith waves her hand at that, shrugging it off. “I talked with Chief, it got emotional.”

“Did he apologise?”

She doesn’t ask how he knows what went down. Gossip spreads in this hospital faster than the Spanish flu in the twentieth century.

“Yes, he did. He was sincere, I believe,” Meredith says as they start walking towards the empty nurses' station to clear the hallway for the bed with a patient being transported. “Almost cried, too, but it must be a secret,” She whispers to him and he laughs. “I think we’re good.”

“Okay…” Derek nods and then his face turns a bit more serious. “Listen, I’ve been thinking… Richard is really worried about the ranking and I thought maybe I should come up with some project. Nothing I think of is good enough, Webber rejects them every single time. I think I need some help.”

“And… I would be the one to help you?” Grey raises an eyebrow.

“You’re one of the brightest residents here. And if you come up with something, you get all the credit, of course, and I’m your helper.”

At that, she feels more interested. She’s far past being treated like a ragdoll, everyone using her as they wish. If she’s going to do this, it’s exactly on the conditions Derek just presented.

“I’ll try to think of something,” Meredith settles.

“I just… I don’t know what your life is like anymore,” Derek adds. “I don’t know you anymore and… I miss us. I miss being friends, just hanging out. I hoped this project would bring us together.”

“Sounds good to me,” There’s no need to act defensive right now, so she goes easy on him. “I’ll let you know if I got anything.”

They are about to say goodbyes, both of them heading other ways when Meredith halts and calls out for him. She’s acting on pure impulse but something inside of her is telling her this is a good idea.

“Derek!”

He turns around already in the middle of the corridor, “Yes?”

“Are you busy today?” Meredith walks back up to him. “Working long hours?”

“I’m actually about to get changed and go back home,” He says. “Just finished. Why?”

“We’re going out for dinner,” She checks the time on the watch on her wrist. “In about fifteen minutes. Would you like to join us?”

All she hopes for is that others won’t be angry at her for inviting him. They’re slowly being resocialized with him, but still alert, and watchful over every single word he says. But… Meredith knows Mark will be glad, very much so, to see Shepherd and she does like to play Cupid and this seems like a good opportunity for the men to get together. Talk, flirt, whatever they wanna do.

“We as who?”

“Well, almost everyone,” She says, leaving a tad of secrecy and smiling mysteriously. “Sounds good?”

Ten minutes later, Meredith and Derek are walking side by side down the last set of stairs and into the front entrance. Underneath the faux confidence, she senses he is nervous; even if she doesn’t know who he is anymore, some things never leave you, the knowledge you have of certain people from your past. And he is nervous as hell.

Callie, Addison, Arizona and Cristina are already waiting, two of them sitting on the chairs and two standing above, conversating and gesturing lively. They seem in the middle of a tale of some sort, but it’s cut out right away with Meredith’s excitement.

“Addie!” She calls out and swings her arms around her best friend, receiving a sweet kiss on her cheek.

“Hi, sweetheart,” Addison greets her, brushing back a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, her fingers lingering by her jawline.

“Hey, guys,” Meredith greets the rest, her hand around Montgomery’s waist from behind; she ignores her person’s suggestive gaze and she swears Cristina is about to say her off-handed comment that will make Meredith want to die. She speaks up before that may happen, “I brought an additional friend, I hope you don’t mind.”

Derek lingers behind her and nods at the group of women, a friendly smile on his face, “Hello,” Then he notices sitting Arizona and reaches out his hand to greet her. “I'm Derek Shepherd, nice to meet you.”

“McDreamy, hi” Arizona shakes hands with him, musing with a teasing smile. “Nice to meet you in person.”

Lexie, Mark and Alex show up at the horizon, putting on their coats and waving enthusiastically to their friends. 

Callie stands up from the chair and clasps her hands, “Let’s go then.”

Notes:

see you next monday at the family dinner;)
can't wait to hear your thoughts!

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 57: it's just anatomy

Notes:

hiii everyone!!!

thank you for the feedback under last chapter and the new follows on my instagram page🫶

this one is chaotic but i love those moments when all of the gang gets together, just pure found family energy🤌🤌🤌 (forgive me for a sprinkle of angst but by now i think you know that’s how i roll)

i’m posting it a bit belated but i’m on a reunion roadtrip with my high school besties and i completely forgot it’s monday for a moment lol

disclaimer: the vocabulary used here is outdated and purely to fit in appropriately for the timeline the story is happening in

hope you enjoy this one!!

Mark’s car arrives just as Cristina removes her helmet and gets off the motorbike. From Alex’s already parked vehicle, Meredith, Addison and Lexie appear, soon followed by the owner. The rest of the group meets up with them once Mark turns off the engine and they’re ready to walk down the street, to the restaurant just around the corner.

Lexie lingers in the back of everyone, looking around with alertness in her eyes. She’s not even participating in the conversations, whereas usual she’s the first one to start rambling and veering off the topic; she’s so caught up in checking the surroundings that she doesn’t notice Alex and Addison observing her and slowing down at the same time until they’re on both of her sides.

The rest keeps on chattering lively, someone checking on the maps to see if they’re even in the right neighbourhood.

“What’s up, Lex?” Alex speaks up, voice low and making the girl flinch.

Addison’s eyebrows furry in concern at the motion, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about me,” She tries to make herself relax, to put up a show in front of her friends. “It doesn’t matter.”

“If it bothers you, then it does matter.”

Lexie looks first at Addison, and then at Alex before taking a shaking breath. They may not remember their visit on the same street, weeks ago; first Alex caught her father attempting to get into a car when he was wasted out of his mind; then Addison the day before Christmas Eve when they came here to get Lexie’s belongings. They may not remember, but Lexie remembers all too well. 

It’s like a haunted house, to be walking down the pavement here and acting like her past never happened. Only she’s the lingering ghost, even after she left.

“Well… this is where I used to live. With dad.”

“Oh shit,” Alex looks around, realising washing over him, that he knows this place even if he didn’t pay much attention to where he was, but rather if Lexie was safe and her father didn’t kill himself while driving for more liquor. “You could have told us, we would pick a different venue.”

Lexie rubs her neck, looking more uncomfortable with each passing second, “I didn’t want to make a scene…”

“Oh, Lexie, nobody would think you were making scenes,” Addie sighs, knowing this type of behaviour is hard to unlearn. “Your comfort is far more important than anything else.”

“I mean,” Alex shrugs. “what’s the probability we will even meet that asshole. Zero.”

“He’s-”

“Don’t try to defend him, you walking Stockholm Syndrome,” Alex says before Lexie might end up defending the man who was ruining her life and health for months. 

Addison sends Alex a dark look at the off-handed comment above Lexie’s head and he rolls his eyes, not caring a tad about keeping it real. She mouths ‘shut up’ and puts an arm around Lexie.

“Everything’s okay, Lexie,” She rubs her hand on her arm, trying to comfort her. “Please, don’t worry about it. We’ll have fun and eat some good stuff.”

Lexie nods and the further they go from the direction of her old family household, the more she feels her muscles untensing and once they take the route on the left and she is hidden from that part of the street, it gets better. Even if something happens… she’s not alone anymore. She has an army that would go miles for her and fight a war.

Once they get inside the restaurant and leave their jackets and coats by the entrance, being led to a big table with ten seats, the reservation in Torres’ name, they soon jump into a chaotic talking and bickering. It feels like Christmas again, to be gathered around the table but there is a new face here, and everyone greets Arizona into the family like she’s been there for months already. 

“Red, you love meat!” Mark calls out once he sees Addison scrunching her nose in disgust when someone proposes it.

“Not anymore,” Addison looks at him, bothered a bit. “Baby bee hates meat and there’s no way to talk her out of it.”

“Honestly, I can’t tell how she can prefer kale instead of a yummy steak,” Meredith says absentmindedly as she reads the extensive menu.

“If you’re ordering a steak, you’re not sitting next to me.”

That’s exactly how Meredith ends up sitting between Cristina and Arizona, far away from Addison who’s sitting on the other side of the table.

Derek hums to himself, across from Meredith, “What’s better? BBQ pork ribs or bourbon street steak?”

“If you take the ribs and let me try, I can give you a piece of my steak,” Callie proposes.

It’s odd to see the two of them interact; Meredith tries to be discreet as she looks curiously at Derek finding himself in that gang of theirs. Back then when she decided to try with him, try to forgive him but never forget, she thought he would never make up with the others. Not because he didn’t want to but because all of them carried a grudge twenty times bigger than Meredith Grey ever had. But now, almost three months later, while he proves himself better every single day, they let him back in.

What a long way all of them have come; speaking of everyone and not Derek. Meredith lost two people that used to be her family, roommates and confidants and in their place, she bonded with human beings that turned out to be the loveliest souls you could ever find.

That’s the thing about life, isn’t it? To go into the future, further, you have to leave something behind. A sacrifice of some sort.

“Deal, Torres.”

Thank god it’s not awkward so far. 

“Does anyone want to share mozzarella sticks for the appetizer?” Lexie joins the conversation.

Cristin raises her hand, “Me. Sign me up, Three.”

“You know she does have a name,” Addison glances at Cristina, boring not an ounce of resentment even if it’s Lexie they’re talking about, someone Addie took under her wings and is crazily protective of.

“Alexandra, I’m keen on sharing cheese with you, my queen.”

Addison snorts, and the entire table bursts into chuckles and laughter, disturbing the mild quietness in the restaurant. Cristina snorts as well, clearly proud of herself for coming up with that response and cannot hide the pride. 

Arizona shifts in her seat, liking the company she has. But it’s hard not to be unease by all these people knowing each other so well, having a long history with each other. No one seems to notice her smile is a bit strained, except for one person.

“Do you want to share the mozzarella sticks as well?” Lexie asks softly, an encouraging smile on her face.

“Oh, no, thank you,” Arizona shakes her head, mirroring the smile but turning it into appreciation. “I’m more of a chicken wings girl.”

“Same here,” Callie says.

“Knew you had good taste, Calliope,” Arizona looks at Torres who turns into a flustered mess, trying to answer but words fail her every single time, her cheeks pink and the tips of her ears becoming red. They keep eye contact for a long moment as if nothing else around exists.

After long fifteen minutes of deciding, the group orders the appetizers, and drinks - lemonades, iced tea, and beer - depending on who is on call and who is not. By that point, as they wait for their order, their stomachs begin to grumble and people slowly lose energy, as usually happens when you have to wait for very much-wanted food.

“Okay, everyone, so now…” Callie clears her throat. “I want you to officially meet Arizona, all those who haven’t gotten around to it earlier.” She begins to point at people. “You already know Mer and Addie, and Alex. This is my best friend, Mark, don’t let him sleep with you-”

“Hey! I don’t do that anymore,” Mark cuts in.

“Since when?”

“Since… Christmas,” Mark quickly glances towards Derek who’s already watching him. He takes his eyes away before someone catches them making eyes at each other, but the small, almost unnoticeable smile on Shepherd’s lips brings fluttering inside his stomach.

“Okay, Sloan,” Callie snorts before continuing to introduce the rest. “This is Lexie Grey, Cristina Yang and… I guess that’s it.”

“Nice to meet you all,” Arizona beams. “I’ve heard so much about you from Calliope and well… from the hospital.”

“Nothing surprising,” Meredith says.

“But I do not have a habit of believing in unwarranted gossip.”

Lexie can’t help but chime in, staring at Robbins wide-eyed, “You’re like, really pretty.”

“Oh, you’re the sweetest,” Arizona seems to melt a bit by the girl before turning to Meredith. “You’re so lucky you got such a sweet sister.”

“I am,” Meredith admits. “I really am.”

---

After the appetizers, they make further orders for the main course and they end up switching seats until Addison is only surrounded by people eating pasta or salads, or any meal that doesn’t include strongly-scenting meat. They do make fun of her, and she takes all the jokes on the chest because, in the end, they all eagerly include the toping of the baby and she feels so included, that even before giving birth, baby bee is someone so important.

“How was New York by the way?” Derek asks, after swallowing a bite of the ribs.

Everyone looks at Addie who smiles gently, “Weird to be back and weird to watch it, our house, all empty. But also feels right.”

“Are you planning to sell it?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Montgomery has made up her mind about it once they got back home to Seattle; perhaps even sooner, while on the private jet. “I would love to take my daughter there one day to share that part of my life with her.”

Arizona weighs her words as she glances from Derek to Addison, “You’re divorced, right?”

The honest question makes the ex-couple laugh earnestly. A year ago, that would be a painful topic, making Addison keel over and want to throw up, just seeing Derek parading around and making eyes at Meredith. Now, she doesn’t bear the smallest amount of resentment.

“Arizona!” Callie nudges her.

“What?” The blonde looks at her, disarming innocence on her beautiful features. “I’m trying to bond with your friends here.”

“Finally someone blunt enough for this group,” Cristina says happily, mouth full of food. “You’re doing just fine, Arizona.”

“Thank you.”

“Am I not blunt enough for you anymore, Yang?” Alex asks, a bit of edge in his voice, the way it becomes whenever he’s surrounded by a bigger group.

“Oh, kiss my ass, Evil Spawn.”

Turns out, Lexie has developed all the pictures taken on the trip to New York City and was thoughtful enough to bring them to the dinner. Everyone squeezes together to browse through them, while Lexie and Callie tell the tales about what went down, omitting the hardships of missing Amelia Shepherd and Addison’s health condition.  Well, everyone means all the women, while Alex is eating the leftovers, leaving Mark and Derek alone, side by side.

“Did you mean it?” Derek asks quietly, for nobody else except Mark to catch his words. “What you said about Christmas?”

“Yeah, why would I lie?” Mark answers, giving him a cold shoulder, offended by the question. “I’m not a type to keep secrets. And it’s not like I owe you anything, Derek. But… for now, what I said is true.”

“Oh. Alright, then.”

“Sorry if I came on too mean, It’s just,” Mark glances at the squeezed-up girls, alert to anybody who might listen. “It’s hard unlearning being defensive with you after everything. I know you’re changing. I know you’re better, I can see that and I know Big Grey forgave you. I did, too. I just need time to process all of it.”

Derek nods, remorse beating off him, “I know, Mark.”

A goofy smile creeps on Mark’s lips, “It doesn’t help you’re so stupidly handsome.”

They gaze into each other’s eyes, longingly and reminisce their long history in their heads at the same time. So many years, so many mistakes. So caught up in each other, they don’t see Meredith watching them, tuned off the comments everyone says at each shown photograph. She understands now everything, even if she suspected things before, a theory blossoming in her head. But now she understands who owns Mark’s heart in such a way that he can’t have anyone else. 

After the pictures showing is done and everyone’s full of food, unable to snack on whatever is left, they fall into silence, appreciating the good dinner, fancier than they usually manage to get during long shifts.

Only Addison and Arizona seem undisturbed by the amount of food they devoured, caught up in animated conversation, that the rest is listening to in silence.

“And do you want more kids?”

“Well… this is kind of an exhausting experience, pregnancy,” They exchange knowing looks, physician-patient privilege hanging between them, “But it’s been my dream my entire life. It feels right, being a mom is all I’ve ever wanted to be. But it depends…”

Cristina snorts, with no filter as always, “Yeah, it depends if Grey wants another kid with Satan.”

“Cristina!” Meredith gasps.

“Oh, c’mon, don’t act all shocked,” Cristina shrugs. “You talk about tiny Satan all the time.”

“So what?”

Cristina snorts again, crossing arms on her chest, letting go of it because some lesbians are just basket cases. No matter how hard she tries to talk some sense into her person’s head it bounces right back, like a ball. One of these days is going to hit Yang straight in the head and make her realise she’s as hopeless as Meredith. 

Addison smiles fondly, “Well, I can’t imagine doing this without Meredith’s friendship and help. I was afraid I would be alone but I think she won’t ever leave me in all of this alone.”

“I won’t,” Meredith’s eyes light up. “Ever.”

Everyone by the table shares the same thought: oblivious lesbians.

---

After two and a half hours of filling up the restaurant with earnest laughter, terrible jokes, a handful of beaming smiles and lively conversations, Derek offers the dinner to be his treat in gratefulness for taking him to the meeting as well. No one voices an objection and once he splits the bill and leaves a big tip, they put on their winter garments and step into the biting wind and sun setting low on the horizon, soon to disappear.

Heavy with food, they make their stroll slow, heading to the nearest parking lot where they left their vehicles.

“Yang, how aren’t you cold on that motorbike of yours?” Addison asks curiously.

But Lexie zones out before she may hear Cristina’s answer. Because she sees him.

She sees him before he sees her. Staggering out of the liquor shop, stumbling over his own feet looking pathetic and carrying a plastic bag full of booze. He is in his own world, for a moment, at least. Probably thinking about getting wasted again until he passes out; but now he has no one to hit in the morning, while the hangover hangs around until he drinks again to get rid of it.

“No,” She whispers, ducking her face and trying to disappear behind Mark’s tall posture. She tries to blend in the crowd and disappear under the ground, wanting it to swallow her whole. But when she attempts to make sure he has crossed the street, their eyes lock And despite how terrible of a father he became, a parent never forgets their kid’s eyes. Even in the hazy state of mind, there’s recollection shining up his clouded stare.

Lexie keeps walking, hoping she just dissolves into the air. Staring at the pavement, snow at the sides, she just hopes…

But it’s Meredith who stops dead in her tracks. 

Instead of thinking of herself or trying to cover up her surprise, she instantly pushes Mark and covers Lexie’s body with her own.

Arizona stares at her confused, as the entire parade of surgeons slows down. Addison looks like she’s fuming, a grim look crossing her face in a way that rarely happens. Alex can be heard swearing under his breath and Derek releases a sharp breath, Mark stepping in front of Meredith.

But Thatcher doesn’t seem fazed by it, already heading straight at them.

“Well, well, well… If it isn’t my precious daughters, the esteemed doctors,” His eyes land on Lexie who leans out of her defence line, somehow unable to stay hidden even if her veins are frozen with fear, no blood coming through. He sneers and stutters before spitting out with resentment, “A runaway ungrateful bitch. Still parading around like you’re something special, huh?”

Every muscle in her body tenses and she closes her eyes for a moment, gathering strength so she will speak up without quivering. Clearing her throat, she opens them and looks at him with pleading, “Dad, please, let’s not do this. Please.”

“Back down, Thatcher,” Derek steps in front of the group. 

He remembers the man all too well and still sees how he slapped Meredith in his head. The memory never goes away and back then he didn’t stop it when he could, so he won’t follow into the wrong path once again.

Thatcher laughs, cruelly and humourlessly, “You’re protecting her too. Did you fuck both of my misfit daughters?”

“Step the fuck away from them and leave,” Mark stands by Derek’s side. He is not a man of hatred, but right now he cannot imagine despising someone more than the father of Greys.

“Did you tell them, Lexie?” He calls out and she feels like the ground is slipping from underneath her feet. She feels her knees giving out, her mouth getting dry. “Did you tell them who you are?”

She grits her teeth, knowing what’s coming and that she cannot stop it. It’s about to turn really ugly, and she wonders if she will turn into a monster again; if she ever deals with the loss of her beloved dad who became her biggest enemy, if it’s in her blood to fall apart and instead of fighting to get herself back, she will take it out on the people who she was supposed to take care of. 

Can you stop DNA?

Because all she sees is pieces of her and pieces of her father, and they all mix and she’s so scared of who she’ll be. 

“You can’t erase the past.”

Lexie opens her mouth but no words come out. Gently, Meredith reaches out behind and takes her hand in hers, and Lexie cringes when her sweaty pale hand intertwines her fingers with her sister's. Suddenly she feels every bone in her body, because no, she can’t erase the past no matter how many nights she prayed to any god listening to make it come true.

At the same time, Alex and Mark reach Thatcher, hovering over him, when Alex barks, “That’s enough, dude. Leave before you end up at the police station again.”

Fueled by the alcohol, drugs and bitterness, Thatcher manages to push through the two of them, his alcohol breath making Meredith twist her face and Lexie is eyes to eyes with her dad she hasn’t seen in two months.

“You’re not a real woman, never have been, never will,” No remorse in his eyes as he ruins Lexie’s new life that she begins to cherish so much in her heart. “A freakshow. ”

Derek, Mark and Alex catch him and push away, making him almost fall onto the pavement. He finally gives it up, realising he won’t stand a chance with the three men. Staggering across the street, he heads to his house, leaving his daughters behind; the way he did before, always giving up, always hurting. 

But the damage is done.

Lexie feels like her lungs are burning, an invisible hand squeezing the air out of them. She gasps for breath, but each inhalation is shallow and insufficient; her heart is drumming against her ribcage, ringing in her ears and her knees feel faint until they give out. Sweat breaks out on her temple and nape of her neck and she’s hot and cold, changing every other second.

She can’t-

She feels like she’s going to die. 

Out here in the cold, in her old neighbourhood, that she used to love and now this place is a nightmare. All the good dreams left, leaving only the echoes of the torture she endured.

Dread has her gripped in its strong hold, and she wishes she could shed her skin, and become a pool of blood and bones, with no soul, no pain. So disconnected from reality, she seems unable to push through even if several voices are calling out her name.

The next thing she is aware of is that she’s sitting on the curb. The ground feels steady underneath her and she grabs onto something soft and fluffy; she blinks through the tears she didn’t even feel that began streaming down her face and sees Meredith, Callie and Arizona crouching in front of her, their voices softly speaking to her. She still isn’t able to understand the words but focuses on Meredith’s moving mouth and tightens her hold on the sleeve of her winter coat.

Addie is leaning down behind them, Mark right beside her.

“Hey,” Callie’s voice is the first one she begins to comprehend, her brain slowly unlocking from the terror that took over her. “Grey, come back to us.”

“I’m…” Lexie barely recognises her raspy voice. “I’m sorry. I feel like I can’t breathe.”

“Find five things you can see,” Arizona says quietly, wearing the same smile she always does when taking care of her young delicate patients. “Trust me, do it, it’ll help.”

Lexie does and proceeds to identify things she can touch, three things she can hear, two things she can smell and one thing she can taste. No one rushes her while she focuses and grounds herself until she feels like herself again. Like the world is not falling apart anymore.

“Did that help?” Arizona brushes back a strand of hair sticking to her wet with a tearful face. They’re slowly freezing on her face, an unpleasant sensation but somehow making her feel more of the life again. Uncomfortable, but grounding.

“Yeah. It did.” Lexie nods, breathing out heavily. “Thank you.”

She feels a hand wiping away the tears before they completely freeze over with a soft material of tissue, and when she looks up, it’s Cristina with a worried expression. She has never seen her resident looking at anyone like that, but deep inside she knows Yang has never been a robot like Izzie Stevens called her. Cristina Yang is strong and cold at times, but not a robot. 

“What was that about, Lexie?” Meredith asks once she can speak without shaking. Seeing her half-sister like that…

“Mer-” Addie places her hand on Meredith’s shoulder, attempting to stop her from investigating. “It’s better if you-”

“No,” Lexie shakes her head, beginning to cry again, this time silently. “No, it’s okay. I know eventually it would slip somewhere. I just… hoped to do it on my conditions.”

They let her breathe deeply before she continues.

“Everything he said is true. After all those years, I shouldn’t be ashamed, of having been born in the wrong body. It was God’s mistake, not mine, and he threw it on my shoulders to make me carry it, and fix it. But it’s true. And I didn’t want any of you to know because I just got accepted and became part of your group and I didn’t want to lose it. If I was forsaken again, for who I am, I wasn’t sure I would survive it.”

Flashbacks wash over her like several Tsunami waves. The discomfort of looking into the mirror and seeing too narrow hips and broad shoulders and touching her breasts, hoping they feel natural and begging God to take it easy on her, asking why was she chosen to survive this. The coming-outs, over and over again, the terrifying fear of what someone might do if she’s not accepted, the use of her dead name, the fights she had with her dad at eight, trying to make him believe it’s real. That she’s not making up a story to get more attention than her younger sister. The longing to be again in her mother’s arms, the only one who believed her when she turned six and came up to her saying she didn’t want her hair cut anymore. 

The way she feels with boys and girls in bed, hoping they don’t notice. And nobody ever said a word to her, but she imagined disgust on their faces. The never-ending spiral of body dysphoria. The lies of her adult life, ever since she realised she could pass for a cis woman, but always watching carefully if anyone finds out. It’s not the 90s anymore, but the world is so slow at catching up with the hearts of its people. 

Her childhood, full of making wishes while blowing the candles on her birthdays, and on the shooting stars, to be a real girl. For the hormones to start working quicker, to be eighteen and able to continue her transition. Suffocating. Drowning in her own body.

“Oh, Lexie,” Mer ignores the tear that rolls down her cheek.

Addison gently taps the shoulders of the women crouching and steps in their place. She has this certain connection with the younger of Greys - with the older as well - but here, she knows what Lexie needs.

Cupping her cheek in her black leather glove, she speaks up loudly and clearly with no hesitation, “This changes nothing. You still belong in this group. You’re still you. You’re still a sister, a friend and an amazing person. The person we love.”

“It doesn’t matter what that asshole says, Three,” Cristina says. “Screw him.’

“You know what?” Alex chimes in, arms crossed on his chest, looking every inch of a Doberman kind of guy. “I’m so tired of that dude and all of his nonsense drama. I don’t care about this stuff. You’re a transsexual woman, so what? Your sister is a hell of a lesbian, and half of this group is queer, what is the fucking problem here? Let’s just go to pride when it happens in Seattle and get it over with.”

That draws an honest beautiful chuckle out of Lexie’s chapped lips, and the entire group follows with pearls of laughter. The atmosphere becomes looser and lighter, taking the weight off Lexie’s shoulders.

“Are you okay now, Little Grey?” Mark asks, proposing his hand.

She catches it, “Yes, I am. We can go.”

He pulls her up until she’s standing on her own two feet. Before anyone might say anything, there are identical sounds of pagers resounding around them.

“Oh shit,” Yang says, looking at the little screen. “I must go back to the hospital.”

“Same here,” Meredith says.

It turns out Addison, Alex and Derek have to follow in their path, called in for some big emergency.

“We can go to my place,” Arizona proposes to the part of the group who didn’t get a notification. “How does that sound, Lexie? So you don’t have to sit alone at home with all that baggage.”

“I would love to,” Lexie’s eyes light up.

Somehow, Arizona shoots an arrow straight to her heart with the way she carries herself, and treats other people, even strangers. The sunshine of it all, breaking in even through the greyest of clouds.

“I’m in, too,” Mark cuts in, not even asked.

Arizona eyes him, “Okay, Mark… Callie?”

“Count me in,” Torres eagerly says.

They part ways with the surgeons called in for work, and when they take their seats in Mark’s car, Lexie leans her cheek against the cold glass of the window, curled up on the backseat. She’s not alone. She can feel it in her heart, that she won’t have to be alone ever again.

Notes:

i can’t wait to hear your thoughts about lexie’s secret/backstory<3

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 58: when i look into the mirror it hurts

Notes:

hi everybody on this beautiful monday!!

honestly, time passes like crazy every single time i come on here on sunday night to prepare the chapter and answer the comments. just insane. does it also go like this for you?

we're back to the lexie storyline and here i expose her (lowkey tragic) backstory. to be completely honest, i did not plan for lexie to be trans from the very beginning. it took many, many chapters until i realised that's who she is. somehow unconsciously i created her like that and it felt like it's been obvious from the very beginning. i hope i'm going to deal with this topic gracefully and with respect. i've never been in the place of a trans person, but i decided that representation is the most important thing and i'll do my best to make lexie a beautiful, deep character.

a bit of info for the next week. i'm starting uni on tuesday and my classes on monday start at 7:15 am which is FUCKED UP for me to get up at 4. which means i'll be probably posting very late at night once i get back home, but! i'll keep on posting so don't worry about it.

plusss, expect two new chapters that are filled with more meddison content! i know lately it's been little of it but we're getting there people!:)

hope you enjoy<3

Lexie’s tears have dried by the time they arrive at the right address and take the elevator to the fifth floor, entering through the solid wood door. She is the second to walk inside, following Callie who seems familiar with the surroundings, even comfortable; it must have been going on longer, the thing between Torres and Robbins, before they left for New York City.

Right behind her is Mark, alert to her body language, ready to step in to comfort her and hold her through the worst of the aftermath that must still be bubbling up inside of her. No one can be okay quickly after being the starring role in such a scene. He has grown for both of the Grey sisters in such a deep way... They’re his family now.

“Make yourself at home,” Arizona turns to her guests with a beaming smile before pointing to the door left ajar on the right. “I’m just going to change and I’ll be right back.”

The apartment's warmth and the space's cosiness can be felt immediately. It provides a stark light, which is an immense contrast to the chaos and cold of the outside. The soft lighting casts a gentle glow over the living room, the various lamps have warm golden bulbs creating an intimate atmosphere, perfect for recovering from meeting Thatcher. The walls of pastel blue and soft cream shades perfectly blend in with the photographs in white frames hanging above the TV and towards the entrance of the kitchen.

Lexie looks around as she takes off her jacket, feeling her shoulders finally losing stress while shaking off her wet boots before heading towards the light brown couch.

“This place is beautiful,” Lexie says loudly enough for Arizona to hear this in the other room. Then, her eyes land on the collection of vinyl and she gasps. “You listen to Taylor Swift?”

Both Debut and Fearless are set at the very front of the collection, unable to go unnoticed, especially for a real swiftie.

At the same time, Callie and Mark look at each other with terror in their eyes that speak volumes of the same thought: Dear God, please no.

“Of course I do!” Arizona shouts and a moment later she walks into the living room, this time wearing yoga pants and a pink sweatshirt, making her look like a real-life Barbie, especially with her blonde hair curled and caught into a ponytail. “I’m planning to get tickets for the tour.”

“She’s coming to Seattle?” Lexie asks, eyes widening at the information.

How could she miss it?

“She is! The 15th of May.”

“Oh my God, really?” Lexie squeals, forgetting about what happened an hour ago and not even noticing Mark and Callie’s faces turning from the fear of two fans of Swift meeting into honest smiles as they watch life fill Grey up once again. Just hearing about something she loves gives her a rush of joy running through her veins. “Can I come with you?”

Arizona eagerly nods, “I would love that. We’re gonna arrange everything, I’ll keep you updated on the ticket.”

“Okay, swifties, can we… Arizona could we have something to drink?” Callie asks before this might go on forever. Looking at Robbins, she bats her eyelashes and the corners of her lips raise when Arizona softly gazes at her. “Pretty please.”

“I was about to propose hot chocolate,” Arizona says, heading to the kitchen, visible through an open archway. Copper pots and pants hung above the wooden counter, the countertops empty except for a bowl of fruits and several essential items, and the room neat. “What do we think? It’s my comfort drink. Works perfectly for any blueness.”

“Good juju,” Callie says.

“What?” Arizona leans out of the kitchen, confused.

“Red believes drinking hot chocolate is good juju,” Mark says, settling on the thick, shaggy carpet that’s between the couch and the armchair.

“Where did Red come from?” Arizona asks, and the sounds of opening cupboards and the fridge come from the kitchen.

“Addison, Derek, and I go way back. We came up with it once she dyed her hair for the first time. It stuck around since that time. Kind obvious with her hair colour, isn’t it?”

“I’m not dumb, you know, Mark Sloan,” Arizona’s voice becomes more stern, the way it does every time she talks to Mark. “I was just wondering the story, the origin of it.”

While warming up the milk and melting chocolate and adding small marshmallows and whipped cream on top, Lexie settles on the plush, overstuffed sofa, with an array of textured colourful throw pillows, so inviting to sink into. She curls up in the corner of it, hugging herself in the middle and hiding her feet under her bum, looking like she has shrunk twice her size. Mark’s face falls a tad seeing her, once again drifting away into the memories of today’s afternoon.

Callie decides to take a seat on the floor as well, on the carpet but leaning her back into the armchair, where later Arizona sits down after giving out hot mugs to everyone.

So caught up in her dark thoughts, Lexie feels startled when she raises her gaze to find three pairs of eyes looking at her. There’s softness and care in them, but even that gentleness makes her shift uncomfortably and finds it impossible to relax.

“I won’t pretend I know what you’ve gone through, Lexie,” Arizona proceeds to be the first to speak, turning into her Peds attending self, even if Lexie is far from a sick kid but rather a lost woman. “I can only guess, even if I have been there, too, but in a different way.”

“I just…” Lexie seems to only shrink into herself, remembering the stuff she wishes she has forgotten. She hasn’t spoken about this… ever since her mom died. Her mom who was an angel and understood her from the day she was born. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You can say whatever is sitting on your chest,” Callie says. “You can scream it out, screw the neighbours.”

“Actually… one of my neighbours is a cop, so…”

“Okay, no screaming then,” Callie breaks a smile and it makes Lexie quietly giggle.

She’s never been the screaming type, rather bursting into tears and embarrassing herself in public spaces type of a person.

“Little Grey, we’re here to stay,” Mark softens the way he always does around the women he loves - perhaps it should be alarming that he does not have close male friends anymore. He is surrounded by his girls all the time, every single day at Seattle Grace, and after his shifts; the thing with Derek… it’s unclear if they have returned to being friends, and he has this thing with Karev that they together beat up Thatcher every single time he causes trouble but it’s not as deep of a relationship the way he has with Callie, Addison, Lexie and Meredith - and now, well, he gets a feeling that Arizona is not going anywhere any time soon, even if she clearly dislikes him. His life is just a women's party and he tries to follow up on everything they do. Maybe he has become a woman by now. He gossips like them, he takes part in the sleepovers sometimes, he started browsing through goddamn Vogue magazines, and even went on shopping with Callie once. What the hell happened? He wonders but refocuses back on Lexie. “Whether you want to share your life story, or bitch about your father.”

“But.. won’t it bore you listening to it?”

She is not looking for comfort or pity, she is genuinely asking.

“What?” Callie scoffs as if the idea is ridiculous itself. “Lex, are you crazy? We want to know.”

“Oh,” Lexie plays with the hem of the soft lavender sweater she borrowed from Addison when she told Lexie she doesn’t fit in it anymore. “Okay.”

Somehow looking at these people, these three lovely beautiful faces that carry kind-hearted organs in their ribcages quiets her down and she knows this could be a very healing experience. For someone else to know what she’s been through, to come out with her story on her terms. This is actually… this must be one of the first times she’s telling someone that isn’t her family - she kept it a secret for so long. She does know that it’s not her responsibility to share this information with everyone, she is entitled to go on with her life like everybody else, but it’s been such a heavy weight on her shoulders to think of herself as a con man, tricking everyone into believing she’s a real woman.

But... she is a real woman.

It’s so hard to see this fact nowadays. It’s hard when she looks into the mirror, it’s hard when her insides burn at the thought that she was born in the wrong body. The memories stay burned into her mind forever.

“So… I truly knew since I was old enough to be aware of my body. I just knew, deep within. It was natural to me, and I think my mom knew it, too, right away. No one knows the other person better than the mother and her child. But my dad was always against it when I wanted to play with my younger sister because I was much more interested in Molly’s dolls than my cars. My parents never argued and began because of it. Because of me. I went to sleep each time thinking they were going to split because of how much they fought, and it was all… my fault. It took him a long time to be okay with it. It’s the way fathers are, isn’t it?”

Lexie lets out a heavy breath she didn’t know she was holding through the beginning of her confession. Her heart is raging against her ribs and she places a hand on her chest to soothe the pain and the hurricane inside of her.

“I’ve always been daddy’s girl but…” Callie clears her throat and begins to talk. “He’s really traditional and I haven’t seen him since I… since I came out to myself to my friends. So I think I get it.”

A sympathetic smile stretches out on Lexie’s mouth as she nods, hoping Callie won’t have to experience the same tough thing she did.

“I told my mom at six,” She continues when silence falls and she takes it as her cue to go on. “By saying I won’t ever have my hair cut. She asked me if I was feeling something else. I told her I’m like Molly, I want to be Molly,” A tear dances in her glassy eyes; now and then she gets a flashback of the kindness of her mother and the understanding she won’t ever be held in her safe arms again hits her like she’s at her funeral all over again. Her mom. Her mom, whom she won’t see again. Perhaps if she manages to get into heaven, she’ll see her again. “She kissed my forehead and said ‘okay’. I miss her so much.”

That treacherous tear springs from her dark chocolate eye and she wipes it away instantly. She catches up on Arizona’s silent question when their stares meet.

“She died last year,” Lexie explains, her voice choked up and hoarse. Mark rubs his hand on her calf comfortingly. Not an ounce of sexuality in the gesture, just pure support. “In our hospital. It was a one percent probability she would die, and she had to be it. But Meredith and Addison got to get to know her before it happened.”

“I’m sorry,” Arizona says, wishing she could hug the girl.

“Thank you.”

“Do you want to continue?” Callie asks, leaning back into Arizona’s warmth and feeling Robbins’ hands beginning to brush through her curly hair. “We could stop here.”

Mark nods at that, “Are you okay enough?”

“Yeah. It feels healing to tell somebody who wants to sincerely listen and won’t judge,” Lexie says, breaking a smile but it’s a bittersweet one. “So. Where were I? It took two years for my mom to get through to my father. They took me to a specialist and at nine years old I was allowed to begin hormonal therapy. Puberty blockers. I couldn't use cross-sex hormones until sixteen, and I couldn’t have any surgery until I was of age eighteen, and it did feel… terrible. To go through adolescence while feeling the wrong parts of me growing in ways I hated, even with the blockers. Every time someone took me for a boy… It was like getting stabbed into my heart but I couldn’t die, so I just kept surviving while there were needles all over body and soul. I… I never told anyone my dead name. I mean I did that once and I’ve had more people find out and call me it as some type of revenge when we fell out and got angry at me. It was like this weapon to hurt me to the bone if I did something they didn’t approve. So I stopped telling people anything. So they wouldn’t have something on me. I know the three of you, and the rest of our friends would never do that but… it left a mark, you know?”

“That is so not okay,” Callie shoots her angry voice instantly, fuming inside at the vision of people holding such power over a girl who just wanted to be loved and wanted to love. To be normal, to not be called a freak, not have her life be taunting. “No one should ever use that to their advantage.”

“We would never,” Mark has a hard time keeping calm, because how fucked up you have to be to use that? How fucked up this world is? “And we don’t need to know it because you’ve always been Lexie Grey. Even if your parents chose a different name, you have always been Lexie.”

New fresh tears fill up Lexie’s eyes, relief flooding her entire body and her shoulders begin to shake as she cries, managing to say, “I was so scared you were going to hate me.”

Arizona cannot sit in her place anymore. She gets up, entangling from Callie who’s leaning against her and settling her empty mug on the floor before stepping over Mark and finally reaching the couch. Within a second she pulls Lexie into a body-crushing hug and brushes through her hair, suddenly realising why everybody loves Lexie in the hospital.

She’s so pure at heart.

It calms Lexie down until she manages to sit without shaking, but a part of her wishes Meredith was here. Her blood, her only blood that cares for now. It’s not Arizona is bad - she loves her Doctor Sweetheart reputation, and her skating shoes and how they seem to be very similar. Yet, there is that longing sometimes when you’re at your lowest for a person that’s not here but would understand, because she had the same father. Or the lack of him.

“If the situation with Grey, I mean Meredith, taught me one thing about this friend group, is that we always fight for each other. When Derek attacked, we cut him off until he was all alone. When Izzie and George… did what they did, we planned an act of revenge and had Izzie kicked out of the frat house. When she attempted… we fought tooth and nails to get her the best doctors to help her.”

Callie’s words come through powerfully and bring everyone’s hopes higher. It’s almost impossible to find bonds as strong as all of them have, and yet here they are, building their empire higher, lost souls in Seattle becoming whole again.

“And Little Grey, you’re no different,” Mark says. “We would, we did the same thing with you.”

Arizona looks across the room at Callie, another question bubbling up in her head, realising that not all of the drama in the hospital has come through to her. It turns out there’s been many more insane stories that Seattle Grace didn’t hear. Callie mouths ‘later’ to her and she knows this sleepover of theirs won’t be fooling around but rather listening to the history of their group.

“I’m forever grateful, Truly.”

Arizona taps her thigh softly and smiles at Lexie, who braves herself to the last act of her story.

“In 2002 I had my first surgery. Three more in 2004, and the final one in 2005. I’ve had so much luck my parents could afford and we could find the safest clinics. It’s still so… recent. So new, even after five years,” Lexie feels a sign of hope creep into her voice, when she realises how much she’s been through and is still standing. “I can’t believe I am where I am.”

“You’ve got a long difficult road behind you,” Arizona sums up. “I’m really glad you decided to stay, even with so much baggage. That’s quite an achievement. A lifetime worthy of respect. To stay is the hardest thing to do in life.”

They finish the rest of their hot chocolate and decide to play some British TV series when Lexie begins to snooze. It makes them realise how late it has gotten, deep into the late evening.

“Little Grey,” Mark nudges her with his elbow, chuckling when he realises she is drooling.

“Hmmm…”

“C’mon, I’ll take you home.”

“No,” She mumbles, turning around to face the backrest of the couch and making the other three laugh. “It’s so comfy here”

“Do you want me to carry you?” Mark proposes as a joke.

“Yes.”

He freezes, not expecting this turn of events. His terrified, dumbfounded expression makes Callie be sent into a fit of wild laughter which pushes Arizona to laugh as well, seeing her girlfriend- or… situationship? laugh like that. The sound of it… makes her just fall deeper into the infatuation she has for Torres. Such a beautiful melody spilling from her lips.

“You offered, Sloan,” Callie says when she finally calms down. “Stick to the promise.”

Five minutes later he is carrying Lexie, bridal-style into the elevator and into the biting winter cold, heading to his big vehicle. She seems to become lucid when she is put into the passenger’s seat but looks so thoroughly exhausted that he doesn’t even attempt to awake her even more. She wakes up when they are nearing Addie and her apartment and apologises for making him carry her.

Ignoring that, he picks her up again and walks into the building, putting her on the ground only in front of the door to her place.

He’s about to say goodbye, after making sure she’s all safe in the apartment.

“Want to come inside?” She offers.

“You sure?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Lexie smiles tiredly. “I don’t want to be alone.”

When Addison comes home from work two hours later, she finds Lexie and Mark deeply asleep, still in their daily clothes. They lie their heads on the opposite sides of the couch on the soft patterned cushions, under a mountain of blanket. Lexie is curled up on one end and Mark is stretched out almost through the entire length of the couch. Her legs are on top of his and they both softly snore.

None of them stir, even when she warms up her late dinner and goes to take a shower. She goes to sleep smiling to herself.

Notes:

this is lexie love fanclub! everyone in the comments say "I love lexie grey"!!!!!!!
see you in a week

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 59: we're too damn sober for mistakes like this

Notes:

hi everyone!!

how did october come already? time passes like crazy, which also means i'm beginning the second week at uni (i'm literally dead every single day of the week)(and it's only the beginning).

thank you so much for the amazing feedback here and on instagram under the last chapter. i really appreciate how warmly you greeted lexie's confession about her background. just means the world to me.

but now we are back to meredith's POV!!! this is a whole chapter from her perspective with a meddison cherry on top at the very end;) those who follow me on insta already know what's about to go down hahaha

hope you enjoy this one<3

“Grey!”

Meredith stops dead in her tracks, looking for the beckoner, confused in the middle of chattering nurses and Callie Torres laughing at something Alex said just around the corner, a weird duo to witness. She cannot tell who called her name until she turns back, but she still has a clouded mind from the haunting thoughts of red hair and green eyes.

“Grey!”

That’s when she notices Miranda Bailey barely five meters in front of her, so easy to see that she feels like a dumbass, “Doctor Bailey.”

The woman has Tucker propped up on her hip, looking very serious and opens the door to an empty patient room.

For a second, Meredith stands stuck in place, deeply confused and tilts her head until Bailey quirks an eyebrow in that much threatening way she always did when they were messy problematic interns, constantly bringing trouble. Finally, she catches on and heads into the room.

The door falls closed and she turns to face Miranda.

“Did something happen?”

“You tell me, Grey,” Bailey would probably put her hands on her hips if it wasn’t for her son in her arms, very caught up with playing with the golden necklace on her neck, fascinated by how the small leaf pendant reflects light from the hallway. “I just found out one of you beat the crap out of the other.”

“Ah. Yes.”

Meredith smiles nervously and then realises her lips are curved upwards and straightens her expression, not wanting to look like she’s beaming at the idea of beating George. Even if a small part of her heart warms at the justice served by Alex. Gosh, how she loves that guy. They have come a long way, from pure hatred into roommates into family. She thought after George she would never feel safe around a man again, but then, the night Susan died when Alex lay in her bed with her and watched over her, she felt so unthreatened and secure, like the world couldn’t reach her in the room, in Alex’s sheltered presence.

“That might have taken place a couple of weeks ago,” The blonde speaks again, carefully choosing her words because there’s nothing worse than crossing Bailey in this hospital.

“And I find out now,” Bailey says.

“That would be the case,” Meredith answers, knowing she is playing with fire but what is she supposed to say? How is she supposed to act?

Bailey eyes her, and what Mer reads as annoyance and anger, is respect and acceptance. All Miranda can think about is how that woman has grown. From a little scared lost girl, unable to keep her life for a long time, pushing it away, trying to end it and hiding from her neglecting, lashing out mother behind a wall, as she regressed into a child at her sight… There is a mere shadow of that human being now in the way she carries herself; she’s always going to be there, her inner child, but it’s not holding the reins anymore. Trauma and toughness of life swallowed a girl and spat out a woman. She stands tall now, even if her hands hidden behind her back shake. It’s a manner she never lost after her first attempt.

But if there’s one thing Meredith Grey is, is strong.

Resilient to the waves trying to drown her, resilient to people she trusts hurting her and in the end, facing the troubles like a soldier. It only makes sense she is a surgeon, a healer, able to give all of herself to the people in need. Saving lives daily and finding that strength in keeping those of sickness alive, giving them a reason to stay, doing it all.

How can a person survive walking through fire?

Meredith makes it possible.

Burned and scarred, but smiling straight into death’s and pain’s face. Even now, when Bailey is asking her about a sensitive matter, a smile climbs on her mouth before she withholds it.

“No one thought about telling me?” She doesn’t lose her edge, even if her heart softens at Grey.

“It’s a more complicated story than just… Alex and George’s fight.”

More complicated is an understatement.

“I know,” Bailey says, hoping not to scare Meredith away. “Chief talked to me last night.”

Meredith tenses - her shoulders straightening, jaw clenching and nails digging into the softness of her palms. This confrontation is not what she expected from today’s surprises, and she hates unexpected complications like these, baffling her. Her gaze lowers.

But also… that was to be foreseen, after all, as more and more trusted people had been let on to get the plan in motion. The sooner George would be gone, the better, and of course, Bailey would have found out eventually. If Chief trusts her to confide in her this sensitive information, then Meredith shouldn’t be anxious; but some reflexes are hard to get rid of.

“I believe you,” Bailey says, so confidently like there wasn’t a bite of hesitancy in the reality of he-said, she-said. “In what happened. I’m on your side. I believe you.”

A sharp inhale brings fresh air into Meredith’s lungs as she does herself not to turn into a poodle of relief. She should not be shocked, but… Once again, some reflexes are hard to get rid of. It takes some time to unlearn them, but she is so thankful that she almost crosses the room to catch Miranda in a body-crushing hug and thank her over and over again.

It reminds her of her coming out to the woman. Also happened in the patient room and also, Bailey didn’t let her down.

“I don’t want to believe in that, God knows I want to turn my gaze away and pretend nothing has changed,” Bailey fixes the baby on her hip, her hands strong if slowly beginning to hurt from the weight, and sighs loudly, looking up at the ceiling as if stopping herself from getting emotional, but the ache of her heart can be felt in the atmosphere. “But everything has changed.”

“You believe me.” Meredith rather states than asks.

“Grey, you were never to lie. And… you still protected him all this time.”

“I just blocked it out,” It’s still hard to talk about, but every time she does, George loses control over her and loses the ability to shut her up. She has to speak up about it because her story needs to be heard and needs to be shared to show other women there’s a way out to continue living even with such a heavy history. “Tried to forget. Move on, keep quiet.”

This time, Bailey can’t hide the gentleness in her voice, “He was my favourite,” Then her voice cracks. “O’Malley, he was my favourite out of your lot.”

“I don’t expect you to take sides-”

“Was. He was my favourite, Meredith.”

“Oh.”

It’s a rare occurrence to hear her first name on Bailey’s tongue, not Grey or any version of dumbass. Means the world.

“Yeah,” Bailey wipes away a tear, clearing her throat. “Just thought we had to have this conversation, sooner than later.”

“I’m really glad we did,” Meredith smiles, this time not stopping the instinctive response.

Bailey opens the door, and they both step outside, their moment where time stopped in the patient room gone. It leaves the heavy air behind and the familiar scent of the hospital walls surrounding them again; somehow life seems easier now when Meredith has another person on her side.

“There is a whole army behind you, Grey. In case you don’t know. We’re keeping our fingers crossed to see you win. Succeed.”

Meredith places her hand on Bailey’s elbow, hoping the gesture shows how much she appreciates it and cherishes their moment of support, “Thank you so much.”

“Now, chop-chop,” Bailey smiles before stepping away. “Go work your ass off.”

“Sure thing, Doctor Bailey,” Meredith grins and they part ways to the opposite ends of the corridors. She cannot stop smiling and humming a song she heard on the radio when she drove to the hospital early morning. High hopes rise in her soul.

---

The better half of the gang comes to lunch at the same time, so many of them that they are sitting at two tables, conversating so loudly that other people eating send dark glares towards the group in the middle of the cafeteria. Lexie bursts out laughing at something Alex says, and they follow and Meredith looks at the messy crooked family of theirs and hates to be leaving.

But as she checks the time, she knows there are things to do and one purpose she gave herself as a mission for today.

As she stands up, leaving early, Mark calls after her.

“Big Grey!”

“Gotta go,” Meredith smiles at him, even if his face falls in disappointment, just like the rest of them. “Really, Mark.”

“Oh, c’mon,” He says. “Don’t leave me with this group of threatening women… and Karev.”

“You don’t know what threatening is yet,” Arizona’s smile is still all sunshiny, which perhaps makes it much scarier, at least with the alarming look in Mark’s eyes at the words.

He decides it’s better to leave it be and not find his way into Arizona’s mercilessness, focusing on Meredith, “Where are you even going?”

“To see your boyfriend,” Meredith says and turns around to the exit, smirking under her breath when she hears the applause of choked laughter and Mark stuttering while attempting to cover up his flustered face, flushed in pink. The women are having the time of their life, laughing their asses off and Mer regrets she cannot stay with them.

She takes the elevator to the second floor and searches for Derek’s new office he got a week ago, but she finally arrives, seeing him through the unlowered blinds by the desk. He looks quite cosy with his ankles crossed and legs on the surface, some papers in his hands as he is busy reading.

Meredith knocks, and hearing his voice calling out, she enters.

Derek’s office might be small but designated to cater to his professional needs, equipped with a standard desk. There is a computer, a telephone and any essentials he might knock over any time soon with his feet up on the desk, she almost chuckles at the thought. The chair appears to be very comfortable in a way that allows him to half-sit, half-lie. She forgot this about him, how he likes to be comfy when no one is looking; back then, he allowed himself to be comfortable like this. Feels like a lifetime ago.

“Meredith,” Derek smiles up at her and drops his feet onto the floor, sitting up and putting the documents down on the desk.

“Derek, hi, Can I come in for a second?”

“Of course. Come. Take a seat.”

He reminds her of a chief position a tad, but his office is twice as small and he doesn’t wield the power the way Richard Webber does. Perhaps once Webber retires, Derek will take his place; but she doesn’t enjoy the thought of having someone else at the top of Seattle Grace, to have Richard away and gone, his helping hand and ideas.

“So…” She starts, sitting at the chair across from Shepherd, finding herself oddly nervous.

“So,” His smile is reassuring. “Is everything alright?”

“I was thinking about the project. To raise our hospital in the ranking,” Meredith explains. “And an idea has come across me two nights ago.”

It was a sleepless night, with Cristina snoring on the couch, Alex doing the dishes in the kitchen and Meredith lying on the carpet in the living room with papers spread on the floor. Karev didn’t ask, just flopped onto the armchair and turned on the TV, nursing the rest of tequila Cristina got drunk on and fell asleep. The background noise of voices in the action movie and Alex chuckling now and then helped her think as she tried to get hold of her wild ideas jumping like untamed savage mustangs in her mind, while she tried to mount them.

“I’m all ears,” Derek says, leaning back into the backrest.

“Okay. A couple of weeks ago, during the surgical contest, I had this patient from a bear attack, the one who caused the attack,” The tension is gone and she relaxes into her seat, as well, the words naturally falling from her mouth. She always finds herself calming down her anxieties when she talks about medicine; the topic feels like home. “In the end, I ordered a CT scan and as I suspected, he had a brain tumour. An inoperable one.”

“I remember the case, I think,” Derek says, nodding in thought. “The bear attack.”

“I’ve been doing some research. About inoperable tumours and I’ve come across a hypothesis that injecting a certain virus into the tumour would make it stop from growing.”

“Oh. Wow.”

He seems impressed and almost surprised at the concept. She gives him a while to take in the theory, before continuing.

“Yeah. These people have no chance. Perhaps some of them would want to…” It’s hard to finish this sentence and not sound callous, so she lingers on her options of how to put her words. “Take the risk. It could be our clinical trial.”

“Our clinical trial?”

“Obviously we would have to research much more, for a longer time,” Meredith instantly adds, feeling how her hopes rise and crave for Derek to agree, to have a partner in the dark and find together light in the tunnel, so they can truly help people. And kill two birds with one stone - to help Richard better the standards of their hospital. “Focus on the details. I’ve written a couple of pages with all the segments I came up with. I could bring them to you to read them and think about it.”

“I would love to,” Derek beams; there is… pride in his eyes?

Meredith remembers all the bad he’s done, all the damage he’s caused, but she’s strong enough to forgive, and never forget. Forgiveness is only for unyielding people, and she smiles back at him. It feels lighter to let it go and step into the daylight.

“So you think it’s a good idea?”

“I think this could be our bull-eye.”

“We just need more information,” Meredith says. “I’m going to the library this week, and when we’re done preparing the project, then we can go to Richard.”

“We will make it happen,” Derek vigorously answers, now leaning forward and placing his fingers laced together on the desk. “The Clinical Trial.”

“The Clinical Trial,” Meredith repeats, now pride feeling up her limbs, too.

She wants to help people, to stop death for as long as possible, to share life. Life is all we have, and people deserve to face death in old age, to greet it like an old friend, in their beds, with their spouses next to them on the mattress. If God was real and God was good, he wouldn’t let this happen.

But he is not, and that’s where medical specialists come through; playing God’s role but unable to save everyone. Even if you cannot save everyone, you still have to try, that’s what Meredith believes in.

That’s when Derek’s pager goes off and he looks at it immediately.

“I have to go, new trauma,” He springs to his feet, his white coat fluttering behind him. “I gotta watch over that Hunt soldier.”

Meredith stands up, too and he opens the door for her, “You’re not a big fan of his?”

“You can say that,” He hums, amusement lingering in his voice.

Mer laughs.

The two of them stand in front of the office, the old tension just a memory somewhere in the back of their minds, a ghost which is slowly letting go of the haunted house that their relationship used to be, so it can refurnished without his cold breath.

“Can I hug you goodbye?” Derek asks softly.

“Not yet, McDreamy,” But her voice doesn’t wear any threat or bitterness. She just has learned where to draw the lines and where to build boundaries, to not let people use up her energy.

“Fair,” He tries his best for his smile not to falter. “Alright. My time to leave. Have a nice day, Meredith.”

“You, too.”

She has things to do now, a game to go back to.

---

The long day that stretched out for infinity, jumping from case to case, ending up dealing with the trauma with Derek for a while, finally ends. She thanks heavens when she shakes off the dirty scrubs, hiding them in her bag, apparently doing the washing today and lets the heavy coat hug her silhouette.

Meredith is deep in her thoughts as she takes the longer way through never-ending sets of stairs until she sees a ginger head in front of her, heading towards the main entrance as well.

Eventually, she catches up to him and his eyes land on her.

“Doctor Grey.”

“Doctor Hunt.”

“I was hoping to catch one of the residents,” He stops and Mer takes it as her cue to stop, as well. Guessing he’s still on his shift by the scrubs and pager in hand, she wonders what he wants from her since she’s finished for the day.

“Well, I just finished work,” Meredith says, pointing behind her back at the main doors.

“I know,” Owen nods. “Have you seen Doctor Yang?”

She eyes him up and down, “And where does the question come from?”

Owen hasn’t seen this coming and he stutters miserably, almost offended, “I do not have to tell you, as your attending. I need her with a case.”

“She is assigned for Mark Sloan’s service for today.”

“Alright. That doesn’t mean I can’t speak to her.”

Oh, hell no. Not with that attitude, Meredith thinks and snorts, shaking her head. That man’s ego needs to shrink to the size of his brain. She puts one hand on her hip and even if he’s looking down at her, she has zero fear or hesitancy about who’s the boss here.

“Doctor Owen Hunt,” She speaks very slowly, hoping the way her gaze darkens sends the message all the way through. “Crisitna Yang is my best friend. My person. So I have everything to do with her and with who approaches her.”

“Are you threatening me?” Hunt mirrors her position, leaning a bit towards her to intimidate her.

“Maybe I am,” Her smile turns dangerous, eyebrows furrowing, but she is cold, oh, she is freezing cold and not a single inch of her feels intimidated. There’s no playing games if it’s Cristina’s life on stakes. “Watch it, Doctor Hunt. Be careful.”

She leaves him speechless, turning around and striding to the exit.

Meredith Grey is so back in her game. Terrorizing men, just where she belongs.

---

As much as Meredith can be scary, there’s a duality to her - she melts all at once when she enters Addison and Lexie’s apartment, seeing her sweet Addie on the couch. With a book in her hands, she is caught up so much in the story that she flinches as the door closes, surprised to see Meredith already in the kitchen.

Perhaps it’s the gentle instrumental music playing on the gramophone that deafened other sounds for her.

“Tiramisu for the lady,” Meredith places a plate with the dessert and a spoon on the coffee table in front of Montgomery, once she unpacks all of the groceries on the kitchen counter. She smiles at that adorable lazy look on Addie’s face, clearly caused by the calm day off that Chief gave her after hearing about the anaemia. Mer hopes she got all of the rest she needed.

“Oh, you spoil me rotten,” Addison puts the book down.

“Somebody has to,” Meredith teases and is supposed to turn around to make hot tea to warm herself up from the cold of February in Seattle, but notices the sad glimmer behind the green eyes. “What is it?”

She notices the weird staring at tiramisu, like Addison is having an internal battle about whether or not to pick up the plate, fingers tightening instinctively around her wrist. Swallowing hard, she drops her gaze on the floor and Meredith is not letting that slide, her heart flooded with concern.

“What is it, Addie?” Mer sits down next to her, reaching for her hands and stopping her from counting the fingers searching for them to connect around the slender wrist.

“Doesn’t matter,” Addison mutters, still not meeting her eyes.

“C’mon, babe. It’s me,” Finally Addison’s eyes look up, eyes widened at the soft nickname, her pupils dilating. “Just spit it out. You’ll feel better talking about it.”

Addison is the one who taught Meredith that, and at this moment, she is so thankful for having someone to teach her how to handle hard conversations. Even if it’s been meant especially for this moment, to soothe and ease the pains Addison is carrying on her back.

“I don’t know if I should eat all of this…” Addison’s voice is barely above a whisper, her eyes looking for an anchor in Meredith, flickering from right to left blue eye in a need of reliance; her fingers intertwine with the blonde’s.

“Why not?” Meredith is a bit confused, but she also expects what this can be about. “I bought it for you. I can learn to make it myself if you want to,” She chuckles.

Addison’s eyes escape her gaze again, so Meredith frees one of her hands to gently cup Addie’s chin and tilt it up so they’re face to face.

The guilty tone in her voice is inescapable when she begins to speak, leaning into the faint touch, “I’ve… I’ve gotten so much fatter, Meredith. Everywhere. I’m huge. I feel like I’m made of fat only. I look into the mirror sometimes and I don’t want to see what’s in the reflection. I’m… I’m sick when I see the reflection.”

“Oh, Addison. God, you-” Meredith cannot explain in words how much she feels for the woman; she took under consideration there might be more trouble with her eating disorder as pregnancy proceeds, but she hoped, like a fool, she hoped for Addie to be left alone to enjoy this process. “You are the most beautiful woman to walk this earth. Okay? I know, it’s hard to beat the voices and the demons in your head. I know. I truly understand. Besides, it’s baby bee. It’s our baby bee, and how incredible is that your body is her home? Your body is growing a little human being. The baby you’ve always wanted, the baby you had dreams about your entire life, waiting for them to come along. I know it must be terrifyingly tough to see yourself gain weight when you’ve struggled so much in the past. I cannot even comprehend how challenging it might be on the worse days, to try to connect your knowledge of what’s healthy and normal for a pregnant woman with what your disorder is telling you. I wish I could take that away from you and carry the weight myself, so you could just enjoy yourself. Oh, I know,” Meredith sighs when a tear springs from Addison’s eye - she wipes it away with her thumb. “I wish you could see yourself with my eyes. Because you are so, so, so wonderful. And we even talked about it during lunch a couple of days ago.”

That surprises Addison so much she forgets to cry, “About me?”

“About how glowy you look, despite the anaemia, you’re still shining,” Meredith smiles, loving to see a gentle calmness washing over the previous stormy expression. “About how impossible it is, to fight the illness and still carry so much beauty.”

Addison’s eyes widen again with wonder, mouth gaping just a little.

Meredith slowly becomes alarmed by the silence. cut only with the instrumental music, a piano rolling a pretty melody. Because Addison just stares, and inside of her…

Her heart is hammering in her chest and gosh, if she wasn’t insanely in love with Meredith Grey before, she would fall now. Well, she is. She is falling over and over and over again, her brain unable to process why this incredible woman understands and cherishes her so much. She stares, at the pretty pink lips curled into a perplexed smile, that dimple of hers she is crazy about, at that little nose that scrunches when they share the bed and Addison’s curls tickle her in the face, at that pair of ocean blue eyes that always turn warm despite their icy exterior.

Her patience runs thin.

It’s hard to tell how it happens like she loses control of her body. The tiramisu is long forgotten and she couldn’t care less that she is about to squish her book and probably fold its pages. None of it matters.

One moment, she is gazing at Meredith with a hazy look, something recalling desire, and the other her lips are on Mer’s, which starts the apocalypse. Just their lips touching sends all of it to the ground, crumbling into ruin.

She can’t get enough, so tired of playing coy, of waiting for a sign, of remembering their Christmas kiss and their New York kisses, of always finding themselves… unable to stay away for too long.

She needs one sign. One tiny sign.

Meredith gives it to her, kissing her back with a feverish need, no more softness left in her, even if she’s still cradling Addison’s face with a gentle touch. It’s so different than all the previous times their lips met halfway.

Hungry. Passionate. Needy.

Meredith’s hands leave her face and instead, grab onto her hips, her fingers digging into the space between her sweatpants and a shirt where the pale skin is exposed. She circles her thumbs over it, loving how warm it is beneath her touch, of how badly she wants to touch all of Addison, worship her body, touch every part of her, bare of any needless clothes. God, who invented clothes? What for?

As Meredith parts her mouth feeling Addison’s tongue on her bottom lip, they taste each other, their teeth clinking. No more pretending left that all of that kissing could ever be platonic, not when Addison catches the fabric of her shirt in a fist, pulling her closer, closer, and closer, moaning into the kiss when Meredith bites onto her lip, pulling it before their tongues meet again.

It would happen either way - but it’s a flash of Addison climbing her lap, her round belly the only obstacle between them, making them laugh at the same time before they’re reminded of the lust dripping from every inch of them and they fall into each other’s hot mouths.

To be fair, Addison blames it on the hormones going crazy when her hips roll into Meredith beneath her and she moans again, needing more. She is soaking wet, just after five minutes of kissing, and she cannot stop herself from rocking her hips again, grinding and searching for any release.

“I- I need-” She pants out, as they stop kissing to catch a breath, their foreheads still connected. But her words fail her.

“What do you need, baby?” Meredith whispers, her hands hiking up Addison’s shirt, resting on her sides and caressing them, lacking patience.

Addison rolls her hips again, signalising clearly what she wants and when Meredith rocks into her, lifting her pelvis, the guttural moan that leaves the redhead’s throat is downright unholy.
She whimpers every single time their hips meet and when Meredith begins to nip at her jawline, mouth sliding down with wet kisses, Addison thinks she might come from just this alone. It’s been so long since she’s been touched, and anyone else who might have touched her after she befriended Meredith wouldn’t be enough, because they wouldn’t be her.

When Meredith bites into her skin right above her pulse point, she whimpers and grinds again, feeling the built-up feeling in her lower stomach. Every time she rolls her hips, the lower it climbs and she tilts her head back, about to fall over the edge, and then, Meredith pulls on her hair, grabbing her ponytail and she whimpers, thinking nothing else could ever get her off if it’s not Meredith Grey manhandling her.

If she knew how much Meredith was kinky, she would get her into her bed months before, even before Elliot Bay, before they were friends. She would just let her fuck her while she was dating her ex-husband.

“I’m so close,” She moans, not even pretending that she might come from barely some dry humping, too far gone. “Fuck- Meredith. Meredith, Mer, Mer, Mer-”

The key turns in the lock and they jump apart like scalding water was poured onto their heads. Dishevelled, the ponytail ruined, the blonde hair standing in every direction possible, their clothes crumpled, lips swollen and red. Nothing can help them pretend they were just sitting on the couch, eating untouched tiramisu and reading the destroyed, contorted book crushed between them.

Cristina and Lexie appear in the doorway so caught up in their conversation, weirdly looking at each other and laughing - yes, Cristina laughing with Lexie, not at her - before they look at the pair sitting in silence on the couch.

“Oh,” Lexie says. “You’re home.”

“Yes…” Addison says and still hears lingering lust in her voice, so she clears her throat. “Well, I had a day off and Meredith finished early.”

“Yeah, I can tell she finished early,” Cristina snorts, entering the apartment and not even pretending she doesn’t see what’s going on. “Get a fucking room.”

Addison and Meredith are so strongly embarrassed, unable to look at them or into each other’s eyes, that they do not notice one elementary point that should have made them question the scene.

The fact why Lexie and Cristina came home together, with spirits weirdly raised, and why in the hell they looked disappointed to find someone else present at home.

Notes:

LET ME KNOW WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTSSSS

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 60: what a time for you and i

Notes:

Hiii, everybody!
I hope all of you are well (I'm not lmao I need to do a presentation for my class tomorrow and want to off myself. To be honest, I'm only staying alive to reach my birthday on Friday lol).

First of all, THANK YOUUUU FOR 90K VIEWS!!! we're almost at 100k and I can't even believe it. Plus we hit over 2400 kudos! how amazing is that?!?!?!??! I never thought we would be here, and I am extremely grateful I get to share this work with so many amazing people. And as we speak about milestones this is chapter 60!

Now, back to the story. I bet you are curious about the whole CristinaxLexie thing, so... expect more 'explanation' in this one plus cute adorable Meddison as wives content<3 This one is just fun overall and we gotta appreciate it before... well, before shit hits the fan. So let's keep on being delulu and live love laugh!

Hope you enjoy this one!!

The hospital hums with the classic Seattle Grace chaos of life-saving urgency and whispered secrets, but it seems not to reach the on-call room's steaming space, hot with whimpers and moans. White coats and blue scrubs scattered on the floor, two bodies entangled.

“Fuck, Three.”

Lexie, sitting on Cristina’s lap, her fingers digging into the shoulders as she rides her, somehow managing not to smash her head into the upper bunk, slows her movements.

“Are you really calling me Three while we’re having sex?” She asks in disbelief, almost forgetting Cristina is three knuckles deep inside of her, fingers curled to hit the right spot as if it doesn’t affect her body at all, when her voice turns accusing, irritation dripping from it.

That’s a first for sure, to be called a number while she is about to come, and through the past… two… three... okay, six times they have hooked up in the most random places in the hospital... Cristina somehow managed not to call her that. Perhaps because there has been little talking and a lot more making out.

“Do you mind?” Cristina frowns like she doesn’t see anything bad about it.

“I do!”

“Oh, shut up, Alexandra.”

Lexie rolls her eyes and gives it up, knowing it won’t go anywhere. She puts her lips back on Yang’s and kisses her feverishly, soon reaching her high on top of her.

Their bodies collapse onto the mattress which is very uncomfortable and stiff. She ignores Cristina’s licking her fingers because she is so sweaty and exhausted after going at it for half an hour, in a rush, that she can’t even focus. Her breaths are sharp and shaky, but one minute later she feels keen on continuing their little secret meeting.

“That was good,” She says, still a bit out of breath.

“Oh yeah,” Cristina stretches her arms above her head, a mischievous grin on her lips. “It was hella hot.”

Who knew her person’s little sister was so good in bed?

Geez. She should be arrested for only having this thought, realising how bad it sounds, and how bad Meredith’s going to act when she finds out. Not that Cristina plans on telling her any time soon, but eventually, she has to come clean. But she shall do it once she and Lexie stop the madness (but insanely steamy madness - she should be the one called McSteamy and not Mark Sloan), and until then, let the girl have fun, right? She is so done with pining tragically after that blonde traitor on the rapist’s side, unable to fall out of love, so Lexie is here, she is here, and they’re killing time, both of them in love with other people and just in a need of some good orgasms.

“Care for an encore performance?” Lexie asks, bursting into giggles when Cristina crawls on top of her and begins to kiss on her neck, exactly in that one sweet spot above her pulse point she’s already learned to be ticklish.

It’s so easy to be here, away from the world.

Lexie has always been a romantic, but she’s realistic, as well. She knows it means nothing, what they have here - just friends who both have their minds stuck somewhere else, but need a small light in the darkness each day. This is exactly that for them. She knows Cristina cares, and God knows she cares, too, but she’s telling herself all they’re ever gonna be is this, not a relationship, not a commitment, only this. On-call rooms, bathroom stalls, Alex’s car Cristina stole the keys to.

She doesn’t mind, not when she feels teeth biting into the fair thin layer of skin between her collarbones.

There’s something so freeing to have in bed a person who knows she is transexual and acts like it doesn’t matter at all - her heart feels safe in it, to be aware Cristina knows all of it; they talked a couple of days ago, after sex while getting dressed, and one thing was clear - Cristina Yang liked her the way she was. Didn’t care about this topic.

She’s safe here, with the brunette’s body on her, in this foolish shelter of a tight on-call room.

“If you let me eat you out, I’m all in,” Cristina says, pressing one last chaste kiss on her lips and beginning to crawl down her body, caressing her curves with her hands.

That’s when they hear the knocking on the door, which soon begins to open, a familiar voice asking, “Is Cristina Yang there?”

They exchange terrified looks, overflowing with panic in its purest form.

Meredith.

The door opens further, and they stay in silence like a damn pair of fools, both naked, in a compromising position. No explanation would work here, no excuse for this. Maybe if they were clothed, they could come up with a lie, but right now? No. Fucking. Explanation.

“Yes! Stop! I’m here!” Cristina yells out, catching up with the reality and doing the first thing that comes into her mind. “Don’t open the door! Close it!”

Lexie facepalms and then hides her face in her hands, shaking it in silence and hoping the ground swallows her whole. Meredith is going kill Cristina, then Lexie, then all of the people in this building and at the very end herself. Her chest shakes with silent laughter because she is so stressed out that she might as well start choking.

Either way, they are screwed.

The door falls closer and Meredith’s voice becomes muffled, “Cristina? Are you there with someone?”

“No!”

They need to come up with something, but when Lexie’s hands fall from her face, she sees there’s not a single thought behind Cristina’s chocolate eyes. Her gaze flickers from the door to Lexie, as if looking for inspiration and creativity, failing miserably.

“Tell her you’re masturbating,” Lexie whispers, barely a sound and more of a mouthing.

“What?” Cristina’s jaw drops after she screams-whispers at her.

“She won’t come inside then,” Lexie explains, still quiet as a mouse. “And she won’t wait for the other person to leave the room.”

“Cristina?” Meredith calls out again.

“This will forever change our friendship,” Cristina announces darkly, a tad dramatic. Lexie rolls her eyes because apparently, her resident believes that telling her best friend she is masturbating is a worse deal than having Meredith find out they’re sleeping together. She murmurs something to herself so quietly that the younger of Greys doesn’t catch it. “You can’t come in!”

“Why?” Meredith’s confusion turns into slight annoyance. “If you’re there with that asshole soldier, I’m-”

“I’m not here with Hunt!”

“Then why…”

“I’m masturbating.”

Ringing silence falls over them.

Lexie’s eyes widen at the stillness from outside the door and she has to put a hand over her mouth when she chuckles. Cristina places her hand on top of hers as well, sending her a gleaming look, her cheeks red with embarrassment, lips pressed into a tight straight line.

“What. The. Fuck. Cristina.”

Meredith sounds like she’s ill, and how can surgeons, and doctors, out of all people, be ashamed of an act so human? Little Grey cannot understand it, even if she would probably burn from embarrassment if she was in Cristina’s place.

“Give me a sec!” Cristina calls out.

“Catch me in the cafeteria,” Meredith says, voice fainter as if she has moved away from the door. Then, she returns and absolutely kills Lexie with the next sentence. “And please, wash your hands.”

Footsteps move away from the on-call room, and they are left alone, by a fucking improbable miracle.

“That was the worst moment of my life,” Cristina groans, her head dropping on Lexie’s chest, as she buries it into the soft skin.

“I can make it better,” Lexie proposes, voice teasing and amused.

Cristina looks up, one eyebrow raised cockily, smirking, “Three, you’re killing me. But we gotta be quick.”

---

As promised, Meredith is waiting in the cafeteria with a questionably nutritious kind of lunch made from three packages of stolen ice chips and a steaming cup of tea. Sitting alone gives Cristina a clue that she wants to discuss something, and needs another perspective; everyone else is minding their business as Yang makes her way to the table at the corner of the room after getting her lunch.

She collapses onto the chair across from her person, thoroughly exhausted after… well, after snogging with her best friend’s little half-sister.

Meredith raises her gaze, one eyebrow curved and doesn’t even pretend not to be looking at Cristina’s hands, which makes her nose scrunch in disgust. She might be a surgeon but some things, some human things, she still believes this is a taboo topic. Whatever other people might think, she hopes to never discuss the matter of masturbation with any of her friends ever again.

“Oh c’mon,” Cristina opens her pudding. “We’ve been best friends, we’ve been through tougher things than this.”

“Disagree to agree.”

“So you would prefer me banging with the ginger muscly soldier?”

Meredith rolls her eyes, knowing Cristina has a point, “Well, no.”

“See?”

“Okay. Fine. I’ll forget about it,” Meredith says, opening the berry mix flavour of ice chips. “And I won’t ever enter an on-call room if I know you’re inside.”

Perfect, Cristina hums to herself, picking up the sandwich. Just perfect. God must have been watching over her. Or whoever guy is up there above, usually useless but not this time.

“Okay, then,” Cristina says with full mouth. “Why were you disturbing my busy ass?”

Another scrunch of Meredith’s nose at the mention. Then, she sits quietly, takes a sip of her tea and burns her tongue, but still, no words come out of her throat. While she was looking for Cristina, the words couldn’t stop flowing from her tongue, willing to share all of her thoughts. Now, though, she finds no words coming to her mind, like she’s frozen.

“It’s about Addison,” She finally states.

“Not surprising,” Cristina snorts and when she meets the blue eyes, she shrugs.

“Hey!”

“What? Are we going to finally talk about the elephant in the room?” Cristina seems unfazed, because ever since October all Meredith ever mentioned was Addison Montgomery, perhaps even unaware that she couldn’t stop talking about her. Back before Mer came out, Cristina just thought they were very good friends, but then, in Hawaii, it all made sense. “Or rather about the hot lesbian making out session with the pregnant lady on the couch and getting caught like a loser?”

“You’re being mean,” Meredith gives a dirty look.

“No,” Cristina shakes her head. “I’m being blunt.”

“Same thing really.”

“Actually, no.”

Of course, it takes them ten minutes of bickering to get to the point. It’s the way twisted sisters are - messy, very much chaotic, forever each other’s person, and lifeline, and even when they say they hate each other, both know it’s a goddamn lie.

“Whatever. This- You know what? Let’s just stop this and talk.”

“I’m all ears, you gay fool,” Cristina beams at her, this fake irksome smile of hers.

Meredith rolls her eyes and a thought comes across her head that she might eventually impair her sight from the constant eye rolls Yang makes her do. She laughs under her breath at that, ignoring Cristina’s frown.

“So… I’ve been thinking-”

“You don’t say.”

She is three seconds from jumping across the table and beating Cristina up in the middle of the cafeteria. Instead, she steals fries from the lunch tray and flips her off before she devours them. Which annoys the brunette even more, given she hates when people start talking and suddenly cut it off, making her wait.

“I’ve been thinking since that making out session or whatever it was. This is definitely not platonic. I mean, she jumped my bones and all that…”

“All horny,” Cristina suggests, summing it up in two words.

“Yes,” Meredith feels her cheeks grow hot.

“Sometimes you’re so oblivious. That woman has been heels in love with you ever since your little trip to LA,” Cristina says, trying to fight off Mer’s hands stealing more fries. Now, from this perspective, the signs of Montgomery and Grey falling for each other are so easy to find. As if it’s common knowledge that these two are meant for each other, even if they had slept with the same man. Which, to be frank, makes it all even more fun. “I connected the dots on why it was so painful to watch you be dumbasses on a daily basis. You’re literally having a baby together.”

Meredith’s jaw drops at the last sentence.

“Don’t act all shocked, Mer. I think you knew that somewhere deep down,” Cristina Yang will always keep it honest. Except for the sleeping around with Lexie thing. One day she will keep it honest, but today is not that day. “You just stayed in denial.”

“But what if this is Mark and Callie kind of situation?” Meredith worries her bottom lip between her front teeth. It’s one of her biggest fears, to find out Addison just found comfort in her body heat, found a safe place in her lap, just was too worked up by her hormones and needed to get rid of it. “Two close friends sleeping together for the rush of endorphins and pleasure?”

It makes Cristina think, staying silent for a longer moment, which Meredith interprets as the possibility of believing in that version of events. Instead, Cristina is thinking about Lexie and thinks that they are most certainly having Mark and Callie kind of situation, while Meredith and Addison are not for sure.

“Trust me,” She finally speaks up. “That is not the case.”

“How do I know?”

Meredith is searching for any hints in her person’s eyes that might show her the way in the night. Like the Star of Bethlehem leading the Three Wise Men - or whatever. She can’t remember a single thing from Christianity lore and probably is making shit up; she blames it on the hectic state of her mind, flooded with anxiety.

“Just ask her out,” Cristina says like it’s the easiest task possible.

“What if she rejects me?” Meredith asks as if she has ever been rejected by Addison in any situation.

“She won’t.”

“But-”

“She won’t.”

Just like that, Meredith shuts up and takes the rest of Cristina’s fries, chewing on them like a hamster.

Thank God Meredith is too caught up in her dramatic lesbian problems to realise Lexie’s smell is surrounding the table - because Cristina realises she’s wearing her scrub top instead of her own.

---

The cold dark waters of Elliot Bay take on a deep, steely blue hue that reflects the overcast sky above. The surface of the bay typically rippled with gentle breezes, becomes calmer and mirrors the tranquil stillness of the season.

The air is crisp and carries a faint, salty tang, mingling with the scents of evergreen from nearby forests. Calls of gulls and seabirds echo in the sky, muted by the thick damp air. Yet the scene is still quiet, even with the subtle movements of the ferry boat.

Adorned with the festive lights still that haven’t been taken down since the holiday season, the ships and other ferries give it a pang of winter atmosphere.

Their ferry boat glides slowly across the bay, creating gentle waves that ripple outwards.

It’s a wonder to enjoy being there, even with such a bad history of drowning, Meredith laughs to herself as she approaches Addie leaning against the railing.

“Hot juju for the lady,” She hands her a paper cup with the steaming drink.

“Thank you, honey,” Addison cracks a soft smile at her and raises the cup to take in the smell of the hot chocolate.

Meredith has never felt so nervous next to the woman. It’s irrational - they are friends, very close friends and have spent so much time together that it’s one of the most natural things for Meredith to be around her all the time.

This is different. This is a date.

“I got us raspberry croissants, too,” She pulls out a paper package from her bag. “Still warm.”

“You’re heaven-sent,” Addison swoons at the announcement. “I can’t get enough of anything fruity lately.”

They drink the hot chocolate, both leaning against the railing and watching the dark water ahead of the ferry boat. It’s hard to believe what happened here in September last year, of how cursed the place has been thought of by the entire group from Seattle Grace. And now, they are here and they are alive, and Meredith doesn’t think about what went under the surface.

She is thinking about what might happen above it.

Slowly, in the comfortable silence, Meredith feels her body relax and her mind stopping from running all over the place.

“Sorry I couldn’t be there with you yesterday for the blood transfusion,” Meredith finally breaks the quiet scene. “We spent the entire day with Alex renovating the attic for Lexie. How did it go?”

“It went well. I trust Arizona. Not because of the connection with Callie, but because she’s truly great,” Addison smiles, thinking of the cheerful blonde and her support. “Plus she loves to share the gossip with me. I found out Karev is amazing at Peds. A natural. Who would have guessed?”

“He’s soft inside. A softie,” Meredith says. “He tried to come off as stand-offish last night but I could tell he’s happy to have Lexie, and more people in the house again.”

“I can’t wait to break the news to Lexie she’s moving in with me to your frat house.”

Meredith cackles at the name.

“But it’s still a top, top secret, right?” Mer asks.

To be honest, she really needs to be there when they tell Lexie. It’s hard to believe she has grown to care for the girl so much, that she just wants to see a delighted smile on her face when she finds out she’s going to have a big house with good people again, with a family again. She can tell she misses it - she misses her father sober, her mother alive, her sister not forsaking her.

Meredith is going to give it to her.

“Of course,” Addison says. “She loves surprises.”

“Fine.”

“Oh, don’t pretend you don’t love her.”

Meredith almost rolls her eyes but then goes a couple of days before her conversation with Cristina and decides it’s a habit she should stop, maybe having a tad too big attitude. But she feels like herself again, to be so moody and twisty.

Sipping on her hot chocolate, she glances at Addison who’s now leaning against the railing with her hip and watching her, clearly waiting for an answer.

“She’s my only family by blood left,” Meredith finally breaks the truth. “I think we were doomed from the beginning when she came to Seattle Grace in the autumn.”

“Keep telling yourself this is your explanation,” Addison smirks.

“Blah blah blah,” Meredith murmurs to herself.

“Oh, isn’t that extremely mature?”

“I’m ten years younger than you, after all,” Meredith cannot hold herself back, loving the look on Addison’s face - completely outraged at the disrespectful insult.

“Ouch!” Addison stabs her with her elbow, shaking her head in disbelief. “Who’s being mean now?”

“I’m stating facts only.”

The ferry boat takes a turn around and they watch the sight change into the city they both have grown to like, despite the constant rain and endless obstacles that fall on top of their heads. Maybe this is what life is about, about making the best out of the bad situations in your life; problems never fully disappear. Once you solve one, another comes raining onto your parade.

From afar, Seattle seems beautiful as it gradually unfolds, offering breathtaking scenery. The city’s iconic skyline is dominated by the Space Needle, which rises majestically against a backdrop of the white hills and the distant, snow-capped peaks of the Cascade Mountains.

As much as stunning it looks, it has nothing on Addison’s beauty.

Meredith can’t help herself but steal peeks at the redhead beside her. How her curled hair flies in the air when the cold biting breeze comes crashing into them, the direction of the flow changing. Her gorgeous profile, her cute nose and deep emerald green of her eyes. Perfection put into a single human being.

When she notices her exposed neck, Meredith fixes the scarf around her neck.

“You know,” Addison clears her throat, omitting her gaze. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

Meredith’s heart begins to race because of the tone of her voice like she’s as nervous as Grey was at the beginning of their date.

Is that confession she’s been hoping for since Christmas dinner? Secretly, in the middle of the night and during the foolish daydreams she’s been falling into?

She’s about to collapse on the ground from the anticipation and anxiety bubbling up inside of her.

If she only knew how loudly Addison’s heartbeat is ringing in her ears, how her ribcage is overcome by the hammering heart, how her mouth goes dry, Because this might be the moment her entire life changes, within a mere five minutes.

Of course, she is sure ninety-nine per cent of this will go well, but there’s always one per cent left…

“I…”

But the words she planned to say never came through her throat. All she wants to do is to fling herself out of the railing into the water and drown herself for being a dumb coward.

She chickens out, like she’s a teenager and not a grown woman sure of her relationship with Meredith by her side.

“I want to tell you the name I chose for baby bee,” She says instead.

“Oh.”

Meredith’s heart is burning with disappointment. How could she have been so stupid to believe there would be any kind of love confession? Of course, this couldn’t happen today, not when their newest level of relationship is still unclear; when they are searching for where the friendship line ends and the romantic one begins.

Addison nervously glances at her, alarmed by the tone of her voice, “So…”

“I’m honoured,” Meredith puts on a dishonest smile on her lips. “I’m the first to know, right?”

“Yes,” Addison nods, as her heart still hasn’t calmed itself. “I’m not telling anyone else until the birth. Anyone but you.”

“Okay, I’m excited. Hit me.”

Even with the disappointment taking over, Mer still manages to find some eagerness to find out. It’s baby bee, after all, the baby she already loves like it’s her own. But it is not her baby. Who would want her as a mother, after all? Who would want her to be raising a kid when she still doesn’t have her life settled and she still has issues?

“Ella,” Addison says simply.

“Ella?”

“Yes,” Addison nods. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s perfect,” Meredith’s eyes drop onto the round stomach and stops herself from palming it in her hand, wanting to feel the kicking again.

“Really?”

The glimmers of hope, of wanting to be reassured by the most important person in her life, light up her eyes.

“I promise,” Meredith nods and shifts closer to Addison, squeezing her wrist softly. “You couldn’t have picked a better name. It feels right.”

The kiss is spontaneous. If they can’t have a conversation about it, they might as well kiss again. Addison leans down and Meredith meets her halfway, ignoring she’ll probably have the red lipstick on her face. She cups Addie’s cheeks and beams into the smile, the disappointment turning into the joy that always surrounds her when she touches Montgomery.

“Maybe we should take a picture here?” Meredith proposes when they part but still stay so close she can count the little dots of golden-hazel colour in the green eyes. “For Mark and Lexie’s album.”

Addison nods eagerly, “That’s a good idea.”

Just as an elderly couple is passing by, they ask them if they would be willing to take the picture. They pose embraced, the skyline of Seattle behind them as a perfect background. They cannot stop grinning into the lens of the camera, almost bursting into laughter - of course, they can’t stay serious for too long.

As the lady hands the phone back, she smiles, saying, “You and your wife are adorable.”

“Thank you,” Addison smiles, a bit flustered but not even trying to straighten it out.

They both are blushing until the ferry docks and they disembark towards the parking lot where Meredith left the car. It’s a slow walk, that involves little words, as they’re both flushed from the elderly lady’s words. Do they look married?

“I’ll drive to the hospital,” Meredith offers. “Sounds good?”

“Would be great,” Addison leans in to kiss her cheek as a gratitude gesture. “Thank you, sweetheart.”

Once they arrive in front of Seattle Grace, neither seems to be wanting to part ways. It feels like they’re going to break the special atmosphere of their first date, if you can even call it that after the past months of intimacy.

“Have a nice shift, Addie,” Meredith smiles gently.

“After our date, I bet it’ll be a good day.”

As if the heavens are listening to Meredith’s pleading prayers, Addison cups her face and turns it to face her, to kiss her on the lips gently.

Just like that, Addison is getting out of the car and Meredith watches her leave and pulls out of the parking lot only once her silhouette disappears inside the building.

One question circles her head as she drives home: what is even happening in her life?

But no one answers the silent question.

Notes:

What are we thinking guys?? Let me know your thoughts x

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 61: god, it hurt when i found out

Notes:

Hiiii everyone!!

I made it through the week, but what a week it was...
I did survive the presentation BUT my Meredith Grey curse (I am never saying I'm a real-life personification of Meredith Grey again) got to me and I ended up attending a funeral on my birthday, soooo yeah, I'm collecting funerals like pokemons. But at least I hosted a damn great party last night

About the chapter; I decided to write this one as a catching up with all of the characters plus... well, you need to read it yourself.

All I can say is:
Welcome to the Hunger Games.

Cristina Yang finds herself in a weird limbo of a love triangle. Well, no. That is put wrong because there is no love in them; there is (deniable) chemistry between her and Owen that makes their secret meetings… She cannot quite put her finger on it, because she thought men were her deal all the way, but that man somehow proves that perhaps it is not her division anymore.

If that was her only issue, that would be fine.

Except she is fucking her person’s baby sister, as horrible as it sounds, but God, no one listens to her and does everything Cristina tells her to like Lexie Grey does. There is no love, but there is mutual respect and a sense of safety that this is a secret that cannot see the daylight, yet or ever, though Cristina would prefer to come clean at the very end. They’re just a perfect mix of submissive and dominant, and somehow their sexual relationship does not come outside the closed door, acting like all Cristina is to Lexie is her resident.

All the while, Owen Hunt is running after her and yes, she might snog with him from time to time, but nothing is as good as other woman’s lips. Makes her wonder sometimes…

Burke… She loved him. She felt fulfilled with him in every way.

Yet somehow he never truly set her soul on fire as Alexandra’s touch. No, she is not in love and she can tell Lexie is either, despite her heart living in her vagina. She just finds herself learning only a woman’s lips bring her pleasure that settles deeply in her bones and seems incapable of leaving because it has become a crucial part of her new self.

But she doesn’t panic too much. Unbothered by what this might mean.

Shit happens.

“I’ve been around Mer for too long,” Cristina hums to herself, washing her hands before entering the OR. “She transferred the lesbian vibes onto me.”

“Did you say something?” Derek asks as he walks into the room, standing by her side and turning the faucet on.

“No,” Cristina says. “I don’t talk to myself.”

She fucking does.

---

Well, Derek does, too. He talks to himself.

It starts with humming soft music under his breath. He’s always done that, always loved music, but it’s a tad different today because every single song he sings is a love song, and there is only one face in his mind when he does that.

As much as cheesy it sounds, he can’t help it when he sees Mark Sloan across the hallways, operating while Derek watches from the gallery, sitting in the cafeteria at times together and at times by different tables. When he laughs at something Arizona and Callie say, or when they share a case and Derek finds himself much more enthusiastic than he thought. When he sees Mark ordering drinks by the bar and watches him dance with Addison as the woman shakes her head at him and leaves him alone. It takes everything in him not to sing when they talk.

The love songs follow him like a curse. Especially when he spends one morning at a coffee shop, needing a quiet moment for himself before work and Fade Into You plays softly from the speaker and suddenly, his flat white is not sweet enough because nothing compares to the sweetest foolish annoying asshole that Sloan is.

The song gets stuck in his head for the rest of the day and he’s so absent-minded that later the evening he spends with Meredith in his office, he stops responding.

“Derek?” Her voice finally comes through his crowded mind. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah- Yeah, sorry,” Derek shakes his head, blinking rapidly as the pictures in his head wash away and his focus returns to the notes spread all over his desk. “Got lost in thought.”

Meredith is not easily to be misled and before he manages to cover it up, her eyes follow his route, outside the office with the shades pulled up. Mark is right out, leaning against the nurses’ station and barking with laughter at something Chief said to him.

“He likes you, too,” Meredith smiles gently, her eyes anchoring back on Derek. “You know.”

“What?”

“Mark. He doesn’t care about anyone else,” The images from New York City and their adorably genuine moment on the windowsill pass by, Mark’s confession clear as the day. “No one else than you is on his mind. I think you’re it for him.”

If someone told both of them half a year ago that they would be long broken up, Meredith was a proudly out lesbian, and Derek finally accepted he loved both men and women, and after the hell, he has put her through, they would be right here… With Meredith giving him love advice, very much gay love advice, it would be impossible to believe. Downright ridiculous. Absurd to the bone.

“I promised to give him time,” Derek says, still watching Sloan.

“You think it hasn’t been enough?”

“No,” Once Mark leaves with a cheeky grin on his lips, only then Derek looks at Meredith. “I know him like the back of my hand. It’s not our time yet.”

“Okay. I see,” Meredith nods, deep in thought but she doesn’t show any signals to return to their work, eyebrows furrowed in pious pondering. Then, her eyes ignite with honest concern. “Just remember time is not promised. You never know it’s the last time until it’s done and through. We are not promised tomorrow. Putting something off… It might never come around.”

“Let’s go back to the trail,” Derek says somberly. “Alright?”

“Okay.”

---

Mark’s feelings are as deep but he is not wallowing in thoughts, but rather taking in every moment he was blessed with. He just remembers the time he has come to Seattle, trying to get back two people who meant the absolute world to him, and truly had no one here and then, time has passed and gave him all he wanted to find here.

A family.

A family he has to protect at all costs, no matter if no blood connects them.

So, between the pauses of utter pining after Derek, being the Grey sisters' defender, and sharing gossip with their little group, he also finds a disturbingly big pleasure from bullying George O’Malley.

It’s like back to his roots here in Seattle Grace when he used to play interns as message pigeons and carriers, to bring him lunch and coffee.

No one should blame him right now, though, not in this case.

“I need an intern,” Mark announces walking into the memorial clinic, looking at the herd of beginning surgeons, including Lexie who beams at him.

The rest of the group looks at him like deer in front of the headlights of a vehicle.

“Which one?” Some daredevil brave enough to ask from the back of the group.

Grinning like a fool, drunk on vengeance, Mark points at George, “The one repeating the year.”

Oh, the revenge is sweet, sweeter than Callie’s usual coffee - and it gets even better when he sees the embarrassed look on O’Malley’s face.

---

“We’re not reacting?”

Bailey stands right outside the clinic, watching Mark Sloan walk out, and tolling in misery George trailing behind him. Chattering and giggling of the left inside interns resounds down the hallway, far enough for George to hear them. It’s bittersweet, to be held between wanting things to be the old way and realising those times are never coming back.

“I know, it’s hard-” Richard says quietly, his arms crossed on his chest as his eyes walk George until he disappears up the stairs.

“It’s damn hard,” Bailey snaps. “O’Malley was the kindest of them. At least I thought so. It’s like we’re doing exactly the opposite than surgeons are supposed to do.”

“Well, he also did the opposite of what a good honest man is supposed to do.”

It’s hard to shut her up, but Bailey falls silent, staring at the white wall. It is always hard to be wrong, but to be wrong about a matter as difficult and painful as this…It’d harder than she thought it would be, to give up on a man, on a boy, that held so much sunshine in her eyes.

It was never sunshine. It was fire to burn Meredith, to hurt her with a cut so deep that it tormented her for months and she never said a thing.

The fact George needs to leave…

The fact she was wrong about him all along, she, Miranda Bailey, always thought she could sense the good and the bad in people. Wrong, after all of it.

---

George is barely hanging on. Coming to the empty dirty and disgusting studio, all alone. Izzie doesn’t like to visit him there, hasn’t seen him for a long time. She’s been spacy lately. Shifting away from him.

So alone. And lonely. Barely hanging on.

---

For what it’s worth, Alex Karev doesn’t change some of the harsh qualities about his attitude and bless him for that. When it’s the right moment, it helps him make the right decisions, because his heart has always been in the right place, even if he had a hard time showing it.

He ignores the drama Izzie has been making each time they bump into each other, as she is dramatically stuck between him and 007. They don’t see each other besides the hospital anymore - they only accidentally run into each other at the workplace, like mere colleagues and not people who used to share the bed, each other’s hearts and trust.

Izzie finally falls silent and he hopes it sticks because Alex cannot give a crap anymore.

Until.

“Alex.”

Her voice is so familiar, so close to what he used to believe in. She was so good, the light in the worst times of darkness in Seattle Grace, the way for the sunlight to come through the broken stained glass.

None of these warm feelings float when he hears her call out his name.

He only glares at her, with a sandwich in his hand for a quick snack before he scrubs in with Doctor Robbins. He has actual things to do here, not have Stevens race after him like a kicked sad puppy.

“Do you have time to meet up today?” Izzie asks, jogging up to him and rushing to keep up with his speed.

“Not really.”

“Busy?”

“Yeah,” Alex says, with no emotion in his tone. “Renovating the house.”

Izzie’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise and she stutters before finally rigging up an actual sentence, “Meredith’s house?”

“Yep.”

“What for?”

“Don’t act like you care,” Alex gives it up and halts in the middle of the empty hallway, having her walk straight into him from the unexpected move. “Especially about Mer. I gotta go.”

He hates the way she looks at him - because he cannot read her mind anymore. It’s hopeless to know who she is deep inside anymore. Karev was always the one who was wrong and bad, and she was the one stirring him on the right road, and right now all where she could ever lead him to would be disrespecting friends and protecting assaulters.

His pager goes off at the perfect moment.

“We never talk anymore!” Izzie cries after him, as he continues marching through the building, leaving her behind. “You’re my boyfriend!”

“Am I really?” Alex looks above his shoulder, giving her a cold look as he calls out. “This ain’t how relationships work. This is a scrape of a relationship.”

Just like that, he is gone, into the OR and his spirits rise when Arizona’s optimistic, upbeat energy surrounds the room. She is waiting for him to get back in the game, which means more than the rest, because it’s about the little humans, who believe in tooth fairy and magic, and they deserve to live, not having experienced ninety per cent of what life truly is.

Alex is back to saving kids. Where… Where, he thinks, he might belong.

---

“I bought something.”

It doesn’t come as a surprise for Meredith to enter the apartment without knocking when she finds it unlocked. At this point, she feels like her places to live merge, and this apartment is as much hers as the frat house is Addison’s, even if lately she hasn’t been visiting it from the constant fatigue, as she is on her week leave to regain strengths after her second blood transfusion.

Such an incredible sight to have, Meredith thinks, when she sees Addison stretched out on the couch in yoga pants and Meredith’s grey Dartmouth shirt that’s too small for her, hiking up above her belly button. Right on top of her stomach, Addison has a plate full of strawberries in cream perched up that she reaches for as her eyes lay focused on the page of The Hound of the Baskervilles.

Nowadays, Addison’s eating has gotten better.

She doesn’t hide away and eats around people, even if a little tense. They all love her - no one would ever come to the idea of minding her eating habits as long as they are healthy for her and her baby. She gave the scale away for Meredith to take, stopping the constant vigilante of her weight.

And it seems… When she looks into the mirror, the hatred is fading away and fascination substitutes its place. Of how her body changes while she is growing life, of how her belly becomes rounder and she feels soft kicking against her insides and against the hand she places protectively over it.

“What is it?” Addison has come to not be surprised by someone storming into her place anymore. She drops the novel on her chest and picks up the plate to place it on the coffee table before sitting up, groaning when her back gripes.

Meredith slowly pulls out a pink crumpled thing from her bag, grinning with teeth sinking into her bottom lip. She looks almost like a young kid, rocking back and forth on her heels with excitement, waiting for a Christmas present.

She unfolds it and…

It’s a tiny baby pink shirt with long sleeves and a golden text saying ‘My mum’s number 1’.

“Meredith!” Addison finds herself at a loss of words, unable to stop the hurricane inside of her feelings, disrupt entirely.

At once, Meredith rushes to the couch, jumping onto it to be by Addison’s side, “I just couldn’t help myself at the mall. Isn’t it adorable?”

“It’s her first clothing,” Addison stutters out before bursting into tears.

She’s bawling full time, almost choking on tears and reaching for the shirt, unable to look at it because of the insane flow of tears.

“Oh my God, Addie-” Meredith’s smile dissolves into a distressed expression, eyebrows furrowed, panic slowly settling into her bones. “I- Are you unhappy? Did you want to buy the first one by yourself? I can always return it, you know. I’m sorry, I can really-”

“No!” Addison says, continuing to weep, hardly able to put coherent sentences. “It’s those… goddamn… hormmones… I can’t stop… crying.”

With one swift movement, she tears the shirt from Mer’s hands and hugs it to her chest like it’s the dearest thing underneath the sun. She clings to it because somehow, it made it all so real. She needs to actually begin buying those sweet cute clothing for Ella, she needs to get the moving going and prepare a lovely nursery for her. There’s so much to do and even with the constant exhaustion, Addison needs to be ready, to be prepared. You’re never truly prepared to face motherhood, an impossible task to bind down, but she is going to do her best.

Meredith begins laughing, clasping her hand on her mouth to hide the sound but she cannot stop it.

“Don’t laugh at me!” Addison says through tears, but a chuckle escapes her mouth.

“I’m sorry, Addie,” But Meredith can’t stop, now fully choking on laughter at the ridiculous sight that Addison Montgomery is now - eyes swollen and red, and crying mixing with laughing at the same time, as she has completely gone mad, and that tiny piece of clothing pressed to her chest, with the round belly sticking out. Like Ella is a part of this moment, too. And she is. Even if she’s still growing and becoming a full little human. “I- I can’t help it.”

“Yes, you can!” Finally, the tears stop flowing and Mer’s gentle fingers wipe them away, despite they’re shaking from laughter. “You don’t have crazy ass hormones!”

Both of them can’t stop laughing until the evening comes around.

Meredith is doing good.

Even with the missed opportunity to confess her feelings, she’s doing good, life is good. Perhaps it’s this thinking, this deep belief, the conviction that will get to her most when the world comes crashing onto her head; that she was dumb enough to think this is her happy ending of sorts. That she’s been through the pain, through the toughness of her journey and it’s time to settle down, in this family of hers and live in happiness for the rest of her life.

She forgets to wait for the pin to drop. To stay cautious, await the pain.

Her, Meredith Grey, forgot to watch out for the worst.

Impossible, but apparently, after all these years, she hasn’t learned her lesson.

---

Addison cannot stop marvelling at the baby shirt for the entire night, and keeps browsing through the magazine with children’s fashion Meredith brought with her, but she’s coming back to work on the next day. So, she finally goes to sleep and takes the magazine to work, waiting for a slower moment to just underline the pieces she likes.

In the attendings’ lounge, it’s quiet, and she’s the only one to rest on the couch across the door, unable to stop and check the documents that truly need some attention. Her heart swells in affection at pictures in her imagination, of her daughter wearing these patterns of zebra and ladybug, just the cutest creature to ever exist on this planet.

The evening is painting itself in pretty colours.

That lasts until Callie blasts into the lounge, sobbing, her entire face red and marked with salty tears, shaking from the tip of her head to her toes. Thoroughly ruined, wearing the clothes she took to work to change before going to the bar.

Addison springs to her feet all at once, forgetting about the magazine, “Callie, oh my God. What happened?”

Callie makes a poor attempt at speaking and instead, begins to sob violently once again.

“Oh, come here,” Addison leads her to the couch and gently sits her down, cupping her face and wiping the tears away. Then, she rubs her arm in a comforting gesture, her heart aching to see her close friend immersed in such pain she cannot form a word.

It takes a longer moment. But finally, the tears dry and the sobbing turns into quiet hiccuping, as she begins to inhale and exhale at a slow pace that Addison leads her into.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Addison’s voice is soft.

“We broke up.”

Her eyes widen as she meets the brown stare, so heartbroken and still in shock, “What?”

Callie clears her throat, wiping the last tear with the side of her thumb, “Arizona broke up with me.”

Despite the feeling of being frozen, the information not coming through to her brain, there is one thought circling her brain that never leaves. That she wishes she called unrecall past weeks when she was so happy, so fulfilled, like she had run away from the problems she had before Arizona. Like her life is divided into two - before and after Arizona. She wishes she could stop seeing images of what they could have had.

“Are you kidding me?” Addison doesn’t quite grasp the concept of them breaking up.

She is hoping to have Arizona jump from the wall and yell ‘Surprise!’ and say that they got engaged. It would be as controversial as breaking up, but she would truly prefer an insanely soon wedding than a broken Callie.

“I’m dead serious, Montgomery,” There’s a rough edge in Callie’s voice.

“How did that even happen?”

They seemed so happy. At the beginning of their relationship, even if it was the honeymoon phase, it also seemed genuine and vulnerable, like their connection was real. So smitten with each other; the way Robbins always spoke of Callie when they had their appointments. And Addison truly believed it was something real - she hoped for something unbreakable.

Callie Torres deserved a relationship like that after her history of so much pain and betrayal.

“I… I met up with her at Joe’s bathroom. Where we had our first kiss - I know, very romantic,” She rolls her eyes, stopping another tear from dripping, chuckling bitterly. “And I mentioned it, you know, as a sentimental joke. She got so serious within a matter of one second, and she tried to cover it up, hide it away, but Addie,” Callie’s voice breaks. “Her- Her face was full of pain. She led me outside the bar and…”

Addison listens cautiously with patience to every word, hoping she could get at least one part of this ache away from Callie’s shoulders. She thinks hard to connect the dots.

“She told me she can tell I still haven’t moved on from Erica. That she sees it sometimes in me. That I haven’t healed and I’m not ready. That we can’t be together until I’m finally ready.”

“Okay…” Addison nods slowly, trying to be emotional and keep it level-headed instead of riling her friend up even more. “And are you? Is that true, what she guessed? Or was she just talking shit to blame you for the decision she made herself?”

“I…” Callie sighs, a strained note like she’s confessing a secret. “Partly, she might be right. Not entirely. But partly.”

“How so?”

“I’ve never processed losing Erica. Never let myself mull it. Just blocked it out. It happened so… ravelled, the whole situation. I thought she wouldn’t disappear after Christmas but I came to work and she was gone. With no goodbye. And a week later I met with Arizona in that cursed bathroom, and… Erica sometimes comes into my thoughts at night, like the matter hasn’t been settled entirely. She left me with no closure. I do not miss her, I do not want her, but I need closure and she won’t be here to give it to me.”

“Oh, Callie,” Addison tilts her head, feeling a tight feeling in her throat. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’ve never noticed you were still hung up on her. I should have been a better friend.”

“Trust me, Addison, you’re a great friend,” Callie says. “We all have our problems.”

“Okay, so…” Addison carefully picks her words. “Was Arizona right? How do you think?”

“Halfway,” Callie rubs her face, hating how much pain she is still drowning in just thinking about the blonde hair and that beautiful smile with dimples and the kind touch, that always calmed her. “Because I started healing next to her. When is close by, I just… blossom into something better, something more beautiful. She closes all the bone-deep wounds in me. She makes it better, helps to ease the pain of healing.”

“I know this feeling very well, Torres.”

Callie sniffles and wipes her nose on her sleeve, crying again even with the tease in her voice, “Oh, is that so?”

Addison snorts and brushes her bangs back behind her ear, “Don’t act so stupid.”

“Did you meet someone, Montgomery?” Callie manages to smirk at Addison, feeling just the tiniest bit of the weight on her shoulder fall off them.

The truth is so easy to see, that even a blind would feel it.

“Why so?” Addison grins, feeling like a schoolgirl talking about her crush. Gosh, she is nearing her forties and still feels herself falling in love the same way she did in high school.

“You’re glowing,” Callie says. “And I’m not talking about pregnancy glow because you do not have that.”

“Thanks, Callie,” Addison stops herself from rolling her eyes, mocking a bit. “Well, I might’ve. Met someone. Yes. You could say that.”

Callie sniffles again, and adds after a pause, “I hope it doesn’t go the way it did with my blonde doctor. I hope it’s gonna be better with Mer.”

“I hope so, too.”

“It’s her, isn’t it?”

The question makes Addison halt for a moment that lasts infities in her mind, and a mere five seconds in reality. She thinks of cooking for Meredith after the drowning and of hugging her in the psych ward to calm down her nerves; of the infinite days in Los Angeles and how much fun they had together before life tied them down together for what she hopes is forever; of building their own house of memories that are now overfilling, unable to fit more moments - these beautiful and these ugly as well. Their duality of black and white, and every shade of grey between them.

“It’s always been her.”

Such a simple truth.

“And I’m sorry this happened,” Addison says after clearing her throat, ignoring the derisive twinkle in Torres’ eyes at her confession and the rush of blood to her cheeks. “Maybe it’s the way it was supposed to happen with you two. Maybe you need this time to get yourself back, maybe you’ll reconnect more deeply, maybe it’s going to be love again. I’m sorry you’re hurting, Callie. I really am. But it’s going to be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

“Hug me, please?”

Addison chuckles, “Always.”

Callie settles in her arms, with her head leaning on Addie’s shoulder, releasing a breath of relief to finally be somewhere safe, where her feelings and thoughts are encouraged and listened to.

“I love you, Montgomery,” Callie says into the emptiness of the room.

“I love you, too, Torres,” Addison brushes her fingers through the dark hair, as an absent-minded gesture.

Just the two of them hugging makes it feel like they’re going to be okay.

---

It is impossible for Meredith to forget and let go of the ferryboat date and what seemed to be the culminant point of it until it washed away with no confession. She cannot stop thinking about it, about what it could be in a different life, and then- then it hits her, that it does not have to be a different life.

Perhaps it is time to take the matter into her own hands, her life into her hands, to stop being a coward, because even now, she can see it with her own eyes. Of how Addison looks at her, and who they are for each other - and yes, maybe she is wrong. But also, maybe she is not.

Derek tells her the place he last saw Addison and Meredith skips down the corridors towards the attendings’ lounge, her feet unable to slow her pace. She parades on like a soldier and this hospital has seen weirder things than a dramatic lesbian confession, after all.

Turning around the corner, she reaches the right room, passing by the window with the blinds rolled down but stops all at once.

Addison is not alone.

Callie Torres is crying and Addison is comforting her and Meredith should leave them alone.

But Meredith is just human, curious in a way she is not supposed to, but she blames it on worry for Callie, as well. She should leave them alone right now. So instead, she shifts to the window and stays close enough to hear their conversation.

“I know this feeling very well, Torres.”

“Oh, is that so?” Callie’s sobby voice turns into something lighter, almost… teasing?

“Don’t act so stupid.”

Addison’s voice lights up as well, and there’s a stirring of laughter there. Meredith’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, not quite understanding the context of the conversation and hoping if she sticks around for one more minute - not more - one minute is forgivable, perhaps she will grasp the idea.

“Did you meet someone, Montgomery?”

Meredith’s heart stops. Within one moment, it ceases to beat, everything falls silent before Addison speaks up again.

“Why so?”

“You’re glowing. And I’m not talking about pregnancy glow because you do not have that.”

To be honest, Meredith would oppose right away if she could just walk into the lounge and chit-chat with them. But this is not some chit-chat and she is not supposed to be here at all, she is breaking some rule of privacy for sure, but she feels like if she moves now, they will notice her shadow passing by the window.

“Thanks, Callie.”

Meredith’s heart begins to race, such a change from the previous stillness because some part of her knows there’s going… She just knows Addison hasn’t still answered the question, and she swallows hard, her nails digging into the sensitive skin of the inside of her palms.

“Well…” Addison’s voice lingers out of the room. “Well, I might’ve. Met someone. Yes. You could say that.”

Within one moment, Meredith’s world shatters. The sound of her heart breaking can be probably heard at the other end of the earth. She clasps a hand over her mouth so the choked sob doesn’t echo down the hallway, muffling any cries.

Shock waves over her the way cold waters of the bay did months ago, what feels like forever. She is under and she doesn’t move her limbs to get out, she doesn’t even try.

Instead, she runs.

She runs until she finds a broom closet, and shuts it with a loud bang.

Only then, in the darkened cramped space, she lets herself fall to pieces, the way she used to do daily. She slides down the door, and even with the covered mouth, the pathetic sobbing escapes into the closet.

Choking on air, unable to breathe, her eyes sting and her chest burns. Not in the way it burned on Christmas day when she realised she loves Addison - it’s quite the opposite. It burns because she realises she can’t ever have her, because if she loves her, then she has to let her go to be with who she met and who makes her glow. It burns because she got so caught up in her hopes that she forgot to look straight in reality.

A thought comes across…

That she has never known heartache as deep as this.

Notes:

BABY LET THE ANGST BEGIN

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
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Chapter 62: wait until you like me again

Notes:

hiiiii guys

i know i'm two days late but i am EXHAUSTED and uni is killing me. i fucked up my presentation yesterday (but my group didn't blame me and stuck by me so at least i got good people around) and i barely made it on a test this morning, and many many other fucked up things happened that had me unable to post on monday. i know you will all understand because i have such an amazing audience here on AO3 and i love all of my readers so much.

okay, let's get back into the story

i know i'm torturing you with the angst that has just begun but we got a good thing happen to me this chapter! you all have been waiting for this, or at least i have and finally!

hope you'll enjoy this and i can't wait to read your thoughts in the comments<3

“I think I’ll need someone to help with reinforcing the floor,” Alex calls out, standing in the centre of the upstairs hallway. He waits for her to join him, for the door of her room to open. “So the floor won’t give out under the weight of the furniture. Can you ask Sloan? Or McAss for that matter. He can be useful one time in his life.”

But no one comes out of the room.

Alex waits for a couple of moments - for anything. Even for soft snoring sygnalising that Mer has fallen asleep while listening to his mindless talking. He takes one step back, still staring at the opened door leading to five small steps, straight to the attic they’ve been working on lately.

“We’re using the furniture from New York, right?”

His heartbeat rings in his ears when no voice comes through towards him. The fear is bigger than rational thinking - despite he has seen Meredith in the bathroom early this dawn before she disappeared into her bedroom.

Nothing can stop him from rushing to her room, the worst scenario painting in his head before he even can see what is going on. All he can think about is their bathroom - with no lock now - and Meredith soaking wet on the floor, held by Montgomery. About her dripping hair and sickly pale skin and shaking that took control over her small frame. That’s all he can see in front of his eyes, his imagination cruelly realistic.

He just hopes to find her dry and breathing.

Once he reaches her doorway, he releases a long exhale.

“What the hell, Grey?”

She almost gave him a heart attack.

Meredith is lying on her side, curled up under a mountain of bedsheets and blankets. Only her hair is visible, blonde strands spread all over the pillow like a halo and a scrap of her freckled nape peeking out of her pyjama top.

However, hearing his voice closer, she rolls over to look at him, clearly uninterested by the shadow of her sombre gaze.

“We’re renovating the fucking attic today,” Alex says, wearing his annoyed voice just to hide the fear that washed over him before.

“We are not,” Meredith’s raspy voice seems to be choked up a bit. “You are. I am not.”

Alex is about to snap but the concern grows stronger. Instead of shutting the door dramatically or calling her names, he takes a deep breath in and approaches the bed. Sitting at the edge of the mattress, he looks down at her, while Mer stares at him, eyes empty, perhaps jaded. She’s been up to something in the past couple of days, Alex noticed, because it’s not difficult to pick up on clues like these when you live with someone and spend half of the meals by the same table, watch the same movies on the same couch late Fridays, drive home in the same car or do groceries together.

“Are you gonna have a plunge into the water?” It’s half-joke, half a serious question.

“No.”

“How am I supposed to believe you?”

“Get a polygraph.”

What a total shithead, Alex thinks and considers smothering her with the pillow. Yeah, he doesn’t want her to die but he also has this growing urge to murder her with his own hands, but only in a scenario where she is not suicidal.

He tries to find any sensibility in the blueness of her eyes, but Meredith almost looks high on heartache.

“I’m gonna call Yang,” Alex finally decides.

Meredith snorts, her nose scrunching when she says, “To bring a polygraph?”

“No,” He dabs her in the ribs through the sheets, making her squeal and push him away. “To get you out of the bed.”

“Remember what happened the last time you made me leave my bed?” Meredith sinks back into her darkness. “I almost blew up. Kaboom.”

Alex’s eyebrows raise almost to his hairline, “Kaboom.”

“Kaboom!”

“I am talking to a two-year-old.”

There’s a beat of silence as they just sit together on the bed, Alex looking down at the wooden vinyl boards, taking a moment to contemplate how truly bad it is with Grey. Meanwhile, Meredith shuts her eyes, hoping to find some calmness but instead, all that echoes through her head are Addison and Callie’s conversation.

She hears the words that cut through her skin and muscles, through veins making the blood pour out of them and drown her limbs in the red liquid, straight between the bones of her ribcage into her beating heart. The knowledge of human anatomy that’s polished so smoothly in her brain after so many years of education is only bringing her misery now. Because every minute of every day, all she does is picture those words put into a silver dagger that’s parting through all the layers of her body. A drastic and graphic illustration she cannot ever stop from replaying.

The curse of being both a surgeon and heartbroken.

She hasn’t told anyone about what happened when she overheard the conversation. Well, what was she supposed to say? I was just hiding to listen to the conversation I wasn’t supposed to be hearing?

But perhaps there is a way to investigate…

“Alex?”

Karev hums and sets his eyes back on her.

“What would you do if Izzie met someone new and decided to forsake everything you had?”

Perhaps she is being a bit dramatic. She hasn’t even… Addison and her, they don’t have anything. They aren’t committed, they aren’t wearing rings on their fingers, nothing has been said. There was nothing to forsake, right? Addison didn’t tell her promises. They were- they are friends, and if…

“This is weirdly specific,” He eyes her up and down, but her face stays blank. “Well, I think we broke up anyway. I don’t care.”

“Oh. But you do.”

“I really don’t care. Not about her. Not anymore,” Hr rubs his hand on his forehead, leaning his elbows on his lap, looking exhausted. “I tried to keep it good with her but, Mer… I have my priorities set straight.”

“You’re becoming a softie,” Meredith murmurs.

It’s a sight. A beautiful one, to be frank, even amid the soul-crushing days of her life, to see Alex Karev have his priorities set straight. To have him see what’s right and what’s wrong and go on the right path of life choices. She doesn’t want to be saying Izzie is the wrong one, because a part of her wants to forgive her and have her back in the house. But another part puts her self-respect over her feelings.

Alex smiles at her, a bit mockingly, “Shut up.”

“It’s not a bad look on you. Besides,” Meredith sits up a bit, leaning against the headboard, the layers of covers sliding into her lap. He reaches out to brush through her bedhead with no to little effect, making her look only more dishevelled. “I’m not going to off myself. I just have a bad day,” A bad week. A bad month. A bad year. A bad life. “I want to be sad in my bedsheets.”

“I’m still calling Yang,” He announces, standing up. “Or Montgomery.”

“Yang!”

Not quite discreet of her, but instantly, the blonde’s body jerks up in panic and she cannot stop herself from yelling. Instantly, she falls back into her seat and pulls up the bedsheets, wanting to hide her head under them, just to have Alex’s inspective look away from her face.

“Call Cristina,” She adds, quieter. “If you have to call anyone at all.”

Suspicion lights up his smart eyes but he doesn’t ask, doesn’t push further. She doesn’t explain. They leave it be, in the space between them.

---

Half an hour later, Meredith is still in the same spot - eyes frozen on the wardrobe and its mirror. The girl in reflection is a stranger.

The loud bang of the front door wakes her up from this mental daze; even a small smile graces her lips when she hears two voices loudly bickering, all the way upstairs. Perhaps it’s an odd sensation but when Mer hears Alex and Cristina argue, their voices blending, this is her definition of safety. Just two, so much alive, full of zest, and too much amount of spite, squabbling like their lives depend on it, bringing her pure fun.

Finally, they are by her left-ajar door.

“Deal with the emo girl.”

“So I shall.”

Once again, the door opens with a loud bang when Cristina storms into the bedroom. She’s in her jogging sweats, carrying two cups of steaming coffee. Forgetting about her shoes, Yang jumps onto the mattress, miraculously not spilling the drinks all over the white fabric.

Meredith ignores any greetings and grumbles instead, “Take off your dirty ass shoes.”

“Are you having dark and twisties?” Cristina asks, shoving the coffee into Mer’s hands, and nimbly pulling her running shoes off and throwing them on the floor, hitting the wall instead and leaving muddy marks. “Shoot. Sorry. I’ll have Evil Spawn clean it up later. He’s in some cleaning mood.”

“He’s in a renovating mood,” Meredith hums. “And yes. I am.”

Cristina finally settles on the bed, on Meredith’s left, taking the cup back. She contemplates for a long moment, sipping and burning her tongue.

“Suicidal kind or mentally stable kind?” She looks at Meredith.

“Mentally unstable.”

“Fair. Sit up properly,” Cristina pulls her up by the elbow until her back is straight and she’s paying attention. “I brought coffee for an occasion.”

“Which is…?” Meredith frowns at her.

Even if she’s all frowny and grimacing and hating life, it does get better a tiny bit with her twisted sister next to her.

What she’s learned since the beginning of her journey in Seattle Grace, is that you have to have this one person that’s going to scream at you when everyone else is pitying you. Someone who’s going to keep it real, who’s going to slap you in the face to see the truth, someone who won’t ever let you give up.

Someone to come on Thursday morning to dirty your walls and give you caffeine. Someone who’s going to deal with the darkest of thoughts, because you two have been through hell and back for each other, and now there’s no boundaries you won’t ever cross for each other.

Someone to get it how it feels to be so dark.

But that someone also doesn’t let you sit in that pain for too long.

“For gossip news.”

Meredith can’t help but groan. Deep inside, though, she complies instantly, setting in more comfortably, eager to hear whatever Yang has brought into her house.

But deep inside… Even with her person by her side… She is thoroughly empty. It’s been six days of emptiness, six days of hollow echoes descending from wall to wall of her body. Almost like her heart shrunk to such small sizes it had disappeared altogether.

“Hit me,” Meredith finally says, raising the paper cup to her lips, and burning her tongue a bit.

“Want bad or good news first?”

“Bad news.”

“I slept with Owen.”

“No! Cristina, no!” Meredith instantly sits up and turns to look at her person, the disappointment and even more - fright at the very idea - visible all over her features. Then, she facepalms, almost spilling the coffee on the bed. “I was rooting for you! I was rooting you wouldn’t get with the ginger guy…”

Cristina shrugs nonchalantly.

Inside, she feels pleased with herself, because yes, sleeping with the ginger guy isn’t her best idea, but if it makes Meredith act like something else than a dead woman walking, then it’s worth it. She can take angry, annoyed, disappointed Mer. Just not a cadaver pretending to be a human being, basking in her grief and rotting in bed.

Meredith takes a moment to ponder before adding thoughtfully, “But I knew it.”

“What do you mean by that?” Yang frowns.

“That day I caught you in the on-call room,” She explains. “I knew you were with him when I thought it through later.”

That causes for impossible to happen - Cristina shuts up, her lips tightened in a straight line.

“So it’s been going on for a long time,” Meredith says. Her tone is a bit questioning, as she doesn’t quite know what to do with her person’s odd reaction.

“Yeah…” Cristina finally says, nodding slowly. “Sort of.”

In detail - she slept with Owen three days ago, for the first time going past the snogging in darkened places. It’s been as good as an overly confident man can give it in sex, and Cristina’s expectations weren’t heightened.

Okay, fine. They were. Because of Lexie.

Because in the past weeks, she’s been bedding the younger of Greys, her standards rose to an impossible point where she questions how the hell she lived through her sexual life when it never was as good as it is with Lex. They’ve been going at it for a long time, but, to be fair, this is a bad day for Mer to receive this news. Bad timing. Truly, bad timing. Cristina is not making it up, and it can wait, it can undoubtedly wait.

“You should stop,” Meredith says.

“You know what they say,” One corner of Cristina’s mouth curls up, amused. No one else would notice it, but Meredith always does. “You only live once.”

“Cristina…”

“Let your best friend have some fun!” She exclaims, throwing her hands up in the air and this time spilling the drink on the bedsheets. “Just because you’re having hot crazy makeout sessions with the pregnant lady doesn’t mean I have them, too. I don’t! So, I have to deal with it in different ways.”

For example: by being a whore and screwing two people in the same building, on the same day.

“I am not having hot crazy makeout sessions,” Meredith tries to hide her pout and returns to her previous position so she doesn’t have to look Yang in the eyes.

“I beg to differ with the proof I have.”

“Whatever,” Mer says. She gives it up, knowing if she voices it, she’ll cry and everything will be terrible; falling apart right now is not an option - she just has to keep it together. She has to keep it inside for as long as she can, fearing if she allows herself to feel, that’s going to be the end and she’ll burn down the entire hospital before setting herself on fire, too. “What’s good news, though?”

“A little birdie told me…” Cristina makes a dramatic pause. “George is leaving tomorrow.”

What?

“What?”

“It appears that my ginger guy inspired O’Malley to join the army and quit his job.”

That is such a ridiculous sentence that Meredith needs to process for ten times in her head to accept it’s happening. Doesn’t make sense, at all, but isn’t him leaving what all she ever wanted through the past months of remembering his touch that made her shudder?

“You are joking right now,” She says.

“I am not. He is leaving. Tomorrow. 007 is leaving, so you don’t wanna miss it, Mer,” Cristina squeezes her thigh, and it can be felt, the joy beating off her to be able to bring this information to her, to light up her world even a tad, and make it easier for her to go to Seattle Grave every day. “C’mon. Come to work today so you don’t get fired and miss the event of the year tomorrow.”

It’s such an easy thing to lean her head on Cristina’s shoulder, fitting so well like they’ve been created to fit in each other’s spaces. Such an ease on her heart in the midst of the storm; all it takes is to take a big inhale, lean onto Yang, and once she releases the carbon dioxide into the air, she’s still anchored onto her best friend. They could never give each other peace and it’s been always enough.

She got what she wished for… For what feels like forever. But that doesn’t raise her spirits as high as it would seven days ago. Seven days ago, she would be downstairs with Cristina and Addison, and everyone else, celebrating.

Today…

It looks different from how she imagined it. But she snuggles into Cristina’s side, letting her heavy eyelids fall shut for a moment before she picks herself up and faces the world.

---

This Friday morning at the beginning of March still feels like hell has frozen over, but then a warm current washes over Seattle. It comes with a downpour of rain, melting the rest of the snow and ice, turning it into mud. It brings a sense of catharsis; the upcoming spring that’s beginning the work of reigning over the remainders of vicious winter. A new beginning, one would say, but new beginnings equal conclusive endings and not everyone is ready to say goodbye to certain elements of their lives. Not everyone is ready for these changes.

Meredith’s eyes set on the enormous windows, watching the rain washing away pieces of snow off the hospital’s rooftop.

“He’s the first one to fall off the train.”

Alex’s words bring her out of deep thoughts and she turns around to lean her back against the railing. Standing between him and Cristina on the bridge, all of their eyes are set on the see-through wall of the Chief’s office, where he’s talking with O’Malley.

“What?” Mer asks.

But Cristina understands what he meant all at once, “We have to see who’s the last one standing.”
Mer furrows her brows, “Out of five of us?”

“Yep,” Alex says.

“I mean, Mer survives it all,” Cristina snorts, nudging her with her shoulder. “Holding a bomb, two drownings. This woman is unbeatable.”

“Agree to disagree.”

Because Addison Montgomery breaking her heart might be her undoing.

You think you know pain, surviving all the nightmares life throws at you until one thing comes around. Just this tiny unexpected event which makes you question the level of pain you can handle. Having a broken heart shouldn’t hurt more than waking up from being dead after drowning, but here she is.

They watch George shake hands with Webber, and raise his hand goodbye before stepping outside. Once the handle falls, he turns towards them and halts, eyes widening in shock and fear for the trio to be watching him. Stumbling over his feet, Alex and Cristina bark with laughter and Meredith can’t help but snort once O’Malley passes them by.

Maybe they’re acting like they’re back in middle school, but gosh, it tastes so sweet to see someone so disgusting lose.

“Who would have thought this could be so easy?”

When Chief comes out of the office two minutes later, he gazes at them and Meredith is the only one to notice it. She stares back at him.

Richard winks at her.

The smile she sends to him is as wide as it gets, all teeth bare. It’s a sincere smile, for the first time in days.

Because no matter how low you are, winning something always brings out something egotistical and selfish in people. Everyone likes winning, even at the bottom. At least, Meredith Grey does.

---

Assigned to Arizona for the first time since her resident year, it brings Meredith mixed feelings. She feels lots of respect for Robbins and is startled by the amount of positive sunshine energy she provides to anyone close to her, but she’s also Addie’s OB, which… Well, makes it all uncomfortable - even more, given Addison has no idea Meredith heard what she heard.

All she hopes for is to have an easy shift, in a nice atmosphere with no awkward moments. That’s all she’s asking for, because after seeing George leave, she feels better than she did yesterday morning.

She thinks she’s seeing Lexie waving at her at the end of the corridor, but then she goes by the corner, about to head towards her when she runs into someone.

Rather someone’s big stomach.

Great.

“Meredith,” Addison beams, teeth shining and lips painted in a maroon lipstick, hair curled, halfway caught in a ponytail. She’s so beautiful it hurts, and all Meredith wants is to melt into her warmth, to trail her fingers on the delicate features and these dimples she’s grown to adore. It would be so easy to pretend she never heard anything. The easiest thing in the world. To pretend. But her heart cannot take it, to be in Addison’s arms while knowing she’s not the one for her. A fleeting kiss is pressed on her cheek and Mer’s breath hitches. “I’m so glad to see you. Are you okay? You haven’t picked up any of my calls.”

“I’m… fine,” Meredith makes her best attempt at a smile. “Just busy.”

“You don’t look fine,” Addison brushes a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear.

Her actions make Meredith feel like she’s a lunatic who made up that conversation with Callie. It’s impossible to treat her like this while in reality, she’s falling for somebody else. Addison would never.

At least that’s what Meredith thought before.

“Well, I am,” Meredith hugs herself in the middle, trying to keep as much distance as possible while being discreet in her gestures.

“Oh. Okay,” Addison blinks, a bit put off but she smiles again. “Arizona told me you’re with her today. I just left from an ultrasound. Babygirl is all well.”

“That’s really good.”

“You sure you’re fine?”

“I’m perfectly fine,” Meredith snaps, then takes a shaky breath when she sees a beat of hurt on Addison’s features. A waterfall of guilt drowns her, and her heart - which she thought didn’t exist - shatters to see fear and confusion in the green eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Addie,” Her voice breaks, the guilt eating her up. Tears well up in her eyes as the heartbreak upfloats, awakening after days of slumber. She can’t afford to cry now in front of Addison. In front of the woman who deceived her so well, like an A-class actress. “Sorry. I have to go.”

Ignoring the velvet voice calling out her name, concerned and hurt, Meredith leaves until she breaks. She marches on, ignoring her sister looking at her in disbelief, saying her name, too. She marches on, and yeah, perhaps she should go to the army, too. Just run away.

She leaves Addison behind not seeing the crystal tears bursting from her eyes. She doesn’t see how the redhead wipes them away before anyone sees them, but the worst is the sound ringing in her head. All Addison can hear is her heart breaking in two, a sound that must be heard in Europe.
The hospital floor is covered in glass pieces of the organ that failed her.

Quite a metaphor, right? Being a surgeon and all that.

Addison looks at Meredith until her silhouette disappears, and she wonders what has happened in the past week. Everything is covered in ice, which should be the opposite. They should be blossoming with spring on the horizon. Instead, they’re freezing, the feelings of cooling down and frosting underneath the cold water.

Notes:

don't worry, i'll kill george off eventually, just let me cook lol

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 63: give me your hand and i'll hold it

Notes:

Hi guys!! Another Monday, another portion of angst :D

Thank you for all the support, especially the uni part. It means so much to me. anddddd we hit 2500 kudos last week and it's INSANE. who would have thought...

This is the most unedited chapter ever but I barely had time to post it. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless:)

The giant meningioma will be haunting Lexie’s dreams.

For the past eight hours, she’s been standing by Doctor Shepherd’s right side, assisting him in the complicated, overwhelmingly critical with each precise movement, surgery. Removing such an entanglement with crucial brain structures exhausted each cell of her body; the nerves inside of her are still shaken, causing her hands to tremble. It never happens for even a finger to move throughout any surgery she’s a part of, but once she is out of the cap and gloves, she cannot stop the tremors.

Meningiomas always necessitate lengthy and meticulous surgical procedures. She was aware when Derek offered her to scrub in, but she concludes that no beginning surgeon ever knows what they are signing up for.

There’s one waving a green flag signalling she’s right where she is supposed to be.

Fact that she wants to run back inside and do it all over again, every minute of the long eight hours.

Lexie’s enchanted by neurosurgery, in a way that… she’s only ever had butterflies like this twice in her life before; during her first love in middle school and when she met Amelia Shepherd. Now, here she is and she thinks about neurosurgery and she feels kicking all over her insides.

Since she chose her path in life, she supposed she would fall for babies all the way, and gosh, she does love when Arizona takes her under her wings and gives her a chance to work with her and Karev. But this… whatever has happened today in the OR changed her entirely.

So, even if the tumour haunts her dreams, she doesn’t mind.

Sounds cruel, but if you’re a surgeon, if you’re truly in it, then you’ll get it. The thrill of entering the human body just to fix it, to help people, to be a superhero.

Amelia told her something similar during their first date, two days after Christmas dinner. About superheroes, but memories of her become blurry the second Amy crosses her mind because it’s a fight with tears welling up her eyes. In the back of her head, Amelia is always there and she’s calling out into the darkness of her brain, hoping an echo will call back at her and they’ll find their way back to each other.

Maybe it’s naive, but Lexie counts on her inner feelings, the prophecies and predictions her soul is giving her - and this time, she knows it’s not the end. One time she said it to Meredith on a late night, and she rolled her eyes at her, saying she was, in fact, naive. But the last time, in December when she thought she would meet her soulmate soon, that they were right around the corner, she was right.

So, this time, she must be, too. And time is about to show it, soon, with Amelia appearing in these hallways once again. With a welcoming kiss, and a promise to never run again, to face her demons with Lexie by her side.

While being so caught up in these pondering questions in her mind, Lexie makes a stroll down the hospital, looking for a free on-call room to sleep off the surgery before she’s paged to work like a slave for the rest of the day. With Amelia’s voice ringing off the walls of her mind, the attention to her surroundings slips and nothing comes through until it’s too late.

Her hand tries the handle and it bends beneath her, so she pulls the door open, gasping once a pair of her friends appear in front of her face.

“Oh my God!” Lexie shouts, letting go of the handle, causing the door to open further. But she’s covering her face, shaking her head like that’s going to help her erase the picture painted in her head - Callie against the wall with Mark pressed up right behind her, entirely naked. “Oh my God, what the frick, gu-”

“Little Grey!” Mark yells out, waving his hand like crazy, trying to stop the door from further opening as if some superpowers have come into him that make it possible to halt its moving.

Completely forgotten by Mark, Callie pushes herself off the wall to escape the extent of exposure to the hospital hallway, “Sloan, be for real!”

“I’m so sorry,” Lexie squeals, blindly catching the handle. “I’m sorry-”

“Just go!” Callie shouts.

“Yep. I’ll do that,” Lexie says, slamming the door shut, feeling thousands of eyes on her back. She turns around slowly, to see five nurses and Alex Karev staring at her, and she waves sheepishly. “Sorry, everyone.”

Before Alex can even break into laughter, she makes a quick escape, deciding to take a run across the entire building until she is above the clinic and decides to shoot her luck out there. Once she is out of breath, but away from the images of Callie Torres and Mark Sloan going it at, more important thoughts begin to circle her mind.

What about Arizona? What about Derek? What is going on here? It doesn’t make the slightest of sense. Not at all. Is Callie cheating on Arizona? No, it cannot be. Lexie can explain Mark’s behaviour somehow, but there’s no way to justify Callie. On the other side, she knows that woman would never cheat. Not after what went down with George O’Malley.

Lexie hasn’t been this confused in a very long time.

This maelstrom of thoughts has her end up in the very same place she just did ten minutes later. Between the puzzle piece of what she has just witnessed, and how badly she needs to find a place to sleep before Cristina pages her, she is not paying attention to anything around her.

Lexie Grey might be exceptionally smart and bright, but when it’s about coming down to earth from the clouds, it’s downright an impossible task to do.

So, of course, catching one couple banging is not enough for one day in her routine.

Another cry is torn from her throat when she sees the ginger soldier guy Meredith despises with every fibre of her being on top of Cristina.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake! Again?!”

“Three!” Cristina's voice sounds so similar to a squeak that Lexie would have laughed if she wasn’t thoroughly traumatised.

“I’m begging, just learn to lock the goddamn door!” This time, Lexie manages to grab the door before it falls entirely open.

Even without looking, she can imagine Cristina’s expression when she says, “Oh, you’re one to talk.”

This time, Lexie gives it up entirely. She bangs the door close, ignoring that Owen asks Cristina, “What did you mean by that?”

On-call rooms are not a choice for today.

Lexie is one minute from crying from weariness bubbling up in her body. All she wants is to lay down and close her eyes until the noise quietens - because yes, you might think the hospital is a silent place until you begin to spend most of your day and life there. Then, all the beeping of the heart monitors, IV pumps, ventilators, the hum of fluorescent lights, coughing of patients, it’s all almost as loud as a concert, especially when you want to sleep.

If she catches one more couple screwing within these walls, that’s it. She’s giving in her notice and becoming a nursery school teacher.

The fatigue is so powerful that her brain cannot even comprehend the fact of who she has just seen together.

An idea pops up in her head, blocking out the overthinking. Just a small hope showing her a way through this day until she can get out of the hospital and have Alex give her a ride home.

One ride elevator later, she is knocking on the Chief’s door.

“Come in!”

“Hi,” Lexie says, a bit shy, but the exhaustion is far more powerful than the slight embarrassment.

Richard, seeing her, smiles softly. His hands are intertwined on the desk, and there is clear interest on his face as he watches her enter the office, closing the door behind her.

In silence, Lexie steps from one foot to the other, suddenly finding herself at a loss of words. The idea was good in her head while she was on her way, but now that she’s here, it seems foolish.

“Doctor Grey,” Webber finally speaks up, voice mild. “What can I do for you?”

He might be a bit pale in the face, given the memories of events that usually go down in his office if a Grey is here to see him. Although, this time it’s the other Grey, which might mean he’s not about to be obliviarated with drama, or traumatic events for that matter. Richard does care a bit too much for these female surgeons in his hospital; when he took all of them in for work, he didn’t expect to become a father of three of them. At least those he is aware of.

“Actually…” Lexie fiddles with her fingers, rolling up the sleeves of her white shirt. “Sir, would you mind me taking a nap? On your couch?”

“On my couch.”

“Yes?”

Lexie sends him a smile - nervous, but also very much drained. The lights in her eyes have gone off, and he notices the watery glassy surface shimmering in her eyes; she’s not in the state to talk about her problems, about her life. She’s in the state to either fall apart or fall asleep.

He would have to be a monster to say no to Lexie Grey.

From what Richard heard, most of the population of Seattle Grace shares the same feelings about her.

“Should I even ask what this is about?” He says lightly, trying to release the tension in her shoulders.

When she sees the smile on his face, she releases a heavy breath, “I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“Fine. Please, feel free to take a nap here, Grey.”

A beaming smile stretches out on her wobbly lips, “Thank you so much.”

Quite a sight it is, to see Lexie curl up on the couch, ignoring Webber looking at her curiously. If anyone decides to come in, that’s going to be uncomfortable. But there’s no reason to worry before things happen.

She’s dead asleep within three minutes.

Her snoring makes one of the corners of his mouth curl upward. While signing paperwork, he thinks that sisters are the reflection of each other as much as complete opposites at the same time. He sees parts of Meredith in Lexie, but sometimes no elements of Lexie in Meredith.

Doesn’t matter, really.

They both deserve the best of life.

With that conclusion, the Chief returns to work.

---

“I’m not in the mood anymore.”

The air is heavy with the smell of sex, hot and cramped, but Callie is past all of that. She picks up her underwear and scrubs, leaving naked Mark staring at her like she lost her mind.

“Noooo, Torres,” He says, but seeing his whining does nothing to change her mind, he guesses all that’s left for him is to follow in her steps. “Did Lexie really put you off so badly?”
Non-verbal, once Callie is all dressed up, she throws herself on the bottom bunk. Laying like a corpse on her back, fingers intertwined on her sternum, she stares up at the low mattress of the top bunk, barely blinking. Quite an alarming sight it is, as Mark pulls up his trousers before sitting on the edge of the bed, having to lean down to avoid hitting his head; his height doesn’t help it.

When she doesn’t bat an eye on him, still silent, Mark thinks he’s supposed to start a conversation now.

“You’re worried Little Grey will talk.”

Torres nods, still not meeting his eyes.

This is not the perfect scenario, but Mark knows Lexie Grey. She might be a bubbly chatty person, but she also does her best not to gossip - especially, about her loved ones. Yeah, she might gossip in the cafeteria about things, but something is telling him that she will stay quiet about this one. Hard to decide if he hopes this is the case or believes this is the case.

Mark places his hand on her forearm, rubbing the skin comfortingly, “About what she saw.”

“Yeah,” Callie finally says.

“She’s not the kind,” Mark tells her.

“God, I hope so,” Callie puts one of her hands on her forehead, closing her eyes and exhaling loudly.

The last week has been difficult for Mark to watch Callie so unhappy. As if all lights had gone out in her spirits, the beautiful sparks in her dark eyes drowned underneath this grave weight thrown onto her shoulders. She was sad when Erica left, but never hung up so badly. Right now, she is devastated, in the worst way possible. Why? Because she’s still claiming she’s fine and putting up a show that life is at it was before Arizona. Instead of letting go of the happy facade, she’s adamantly claiming everything is perfectly fine.

Sorrow and regret and ache are beating off of her like a drum, and she acts like the ghost of herself. He tries to make her laugh. He tries to make her happy. He tries to hold her and at least give her pleasure, just to see that beautiful genuine smile on her big lips, to have her show all her teeth as she chokes on air after a good joke.

Perhaps he should try again. Tease her a bit.

“Are you ashamed to have sex with me, Torres?” He cracks a charming smile.

When her gaze lazily moves from the boards holding up the top bunk onto his face, there’s a small flicker of past strength dancing in her eyes. Yet it disappears as quickly as it has blazed.

“You know it is not what this is about, Mark.”

A voice so cold, so unattached. When the corners of her mouth turn down, into a small pout, she looks like she’s seconds from crying. The faded colour of her eyes seems to be calling out for help, to take this heaviness off her body, give it someone else to carry it.

He is willing to do that. She’s his best friend, true blue.

“I know,” He nods, still holding her arm. “What do you need?”

Callie sighs, “To be alone.”

“Alright,” Mark nods, respecting her wishes. He knows if she needs him, she’ll come; that one thing is sure. “If you need me, you know where to find me. I’ll be at Joe’s later tonight.”

“Thanks.”

Mark presses a kiss on her forehead and gets up, leaving her and her loud thoughts alone.

---

A two-hour long nap seems not to be enough to satiate Lexie’s fatigue. When she wakes up, Chief is gone but there’s a small apple juice box and a Snickers, which she devours at a record speed, realising how starving she is. So caught up in her marathon of running into fucking couples around Seattle Grace, she didn’t even realise she should have eaten something after such a surgery.

Having spent another four hours working her ass off for Cristina, she is let earlier home the moment she manages to get a second alone with her resident. That seems to make Yang panic a bit, the idea of talking things through about what Lexie has witnessed - so instead, Cristina sends her home and runs away where she sees Meredith around the corner.

Alex gives her a ride home and the moment she gets off the elevator and stumbles into her apartment, it feels like she finally gets a moment of relief.

After shaking off her boots, Lexie collapses on the couch, barely paying attention to Addison sitting on the other end of it, with a small pink shirt in her hands.

With no greetings, they sit in silence for a while. Addison’s thoughts seem to be so loud they echo through the apartment.

On the other hand, the only thing Lexie can think about is how much she would kill for a relaxing hot bath right now.

Coming to her senses takes some time, but eventually, she looks to her left - at Addison’s jaded expression, lips pressed tightly into a thin line as she looks down on the shirt. It’s a tiny little thing, clearly for the baby, but instead of the joy it should carry into their home, it’s rather depressing, the way Montgomery clings to the clothing.

“Addie?”

Addison hums, “Yes?”

“I have a question. Hypothetical,” Lexie says; perhaps if they talk about anything - and Lexie’s trials and tribulations might at least take things off Addie’s mind. “A hypothetical question.”

“Okay.”

“So… hypothetically, if your casual unlabelled friends-with-benefits person would be hooking up with someone else at the same time, would it piss you off?”

Addison looks at her like she’s stupid for a second, a drop of amusement in that expression as well. Then, she holds back her smile, and Lexie thanks her internally for not calling her out right then and there.

“Well, that is a highly complex question,” Addison states. “Which needs focus on several matters, from different perspectives.”

How much she loves Addison, Lexie thinks. The woman is not prying, not pushing with questions, but trying to solve the problem. Sometimes all you need is that technicality.

“Which are…?”

“First of all, being clean. You don’t have to be exclusive to be worried about STIs,” Addison smiles under her breath, remembering the times when she just come to Seattle and witnessed the syphilis drama go down. “You have to make sure they’re tested, too. If you want to keep meeting for sexual intercourse. It’s the priority to stay safe.”

Lexie nods slowly, “Yes, that makes sense.”

“Secondly, I think it’s crucial to stop and take in the situation. Make sure you’re not growing feelings for that person. Because if you are, you need to stop. If you’re not, then I don’t see a problem.”

“Well, let’s say in that hypothetical situation they’re not growing feelings.”

It’s hard by that point if it’s true or if it’s just wishful thinking coming from Lexie.

She’s not falling for Cristina, that’s for sure. They are not compatible romantically, not in the way they are sexually. But it’s impossible not to grow closer, not to feel intimate when she’s looking down at the brunette with her face between her thighs, not have her heart skip a beat when Cristina doesn’t leave immediately, but holds her close - it happens usually when she’s tired and stays to fall asleep next to Lexie.

Seeing someone naked day by day without falling for them might be possible for most, for Cristina Yang for sure, but Lexie is not the kind. Lexie likes to lean into the touch, to kiss someone’s knuckles lovably and to bring flowers after a night spent together.

It’s hard to solve this. Her heart still belongs to Amelia, but her heart is craving warmth now. Not when things get easier, or problems get solved. She needs it now, she needs love, she needs someone who doesn’t judge her by her history, someone who calls her a number or Alexandra and who might be the opposite of her, but understands her more than most.

She’s not falling for Cristina. Right?

“Alright then. Despite that, you still have every right to feel uncomfortable when you know they’re sleeping with someone else.”

“Really?” Her eyebrows raise, hoping to just get a confirmation, a debating point to be a reason for the uneasy feeling in her guts.

“Of course,” Addison reaches out one of her hands to squeeze Lexie’s palm.

“Okay. Thank you, Addie.”

“No problem.”

Through another long pause, Lexie fiddles with the sleeve of her sweater, raising her feet on the couch, and hugging her knees to her chest. Somehow March seems much colder than February was; even in the four walls of their safe apartment, it appears like the freezing rain soaks through the bricks to their bodies.

Hating the silence, she needs to speak up again.

“I got another question.”

This time, Addison beams at her, gently, but genuinely, “Hit me.”

“Is Callie single?”

“Are you interested?” Addison chuckles.

They laugh together, and Lexie shifts closer, liking that for this one short moment life is good again, like it was back in New York. Maybe some people are missing, and it’s colder and sadder, but the two of them smiling must count for something. Even if it lasts for mere seconds.

“Why are you asking?”

“Well…” Lexie thinks about Mark and Callie, and how panicked they were, and decides this is none of her business to be sharing such vulnerable information. Yes, everything inside of her is itching to talk about it, but she loves these two too much to just act on impulse. The guilt afterwards would eat her away. “I’m not sure I can say why.”

“They… Callie and Arizona broke up some time ago,” Addison says, looking like she’s still hesitating. “But I hope you can keep it discreet.”

“Of course,” Lexie says. “You don’t have to worry about that.”

Another beat of silence.

This time it’s Addison who begins the continuation of the soft conversation, “I got a question.”

“I’m all ears,” Lexie says, but when she tries to look Addison in the eyes, she escapes it.

Instead, her green melancholy eyes settle on the pink shirt; it’s hard to comprehend what’s so saddening in her future baby’s clothes, but Lexie has been sad because of weirder things so she’s not here to judge. She’s here to reciprocate the support, even if she cannot grasp it entirely.

“Is Meredith okay?” Addison’s voice is choked up; like it hurts to pronounce her half-sister’s name. If Lexie could see, she would notice tears collecting in Addie’s eyes.

“Oh, yes, I think so,” Lexie nods. “I haven’t seen her for too much time today, but I caught a glimpse of her with Cristina. She looked okay.”

She’s also aware of how good of an actress Meredith can also be, but…

“Oh,” Addison sniffles softly, thinking Lexie won’t catch her. Grey does, but she doesn’t press, not when Montgomery has just treated her with so much kindness by pretending she hasn’t the slightest idea that Lexie is talking about herself in the friends-with-benefits situation. That’s all she can give Addie - the dignity of pretending. “That’s good.”

“Did something happen to her?” Lexie asks, as an afterthought. “Did George say something to her when he left?”

“I don’t know. I’m just asking, you know. Making sure.”

Addison makes a poor attempt at hugging herself in the middle, her round stomach being a big obstacle. She’s been buying lots of pregnancy clothing lately because pretending her old clothes fit her became impossible as she entered the sixth month. There has been a lot happening, overall, including the glucose screening test for gestational diabetes she went for early morning today. It’s comforting, to focus on the baby, on the growing being in her stomach, but the kicking inside of her feels much more lonelier without Meredith’s lips to press against the stretched skin.

“She acted normal,” Lexie adds, hoping it brings more comfort.

“Okay, then.”

“Are you alright, Addie?”

Before looking up at Lexie’s concerned face, Addison blinks the tears away. She nods, but her smile turns into a grimace, “Yeah. I’m just tired.”

“Oh. I’m tired, too.”

The smile washes off Lexie’s face as well. No more fake heavens, just pure true pain.

She shifts even closer and rests her head on Addison’s shoulder. The older woman presses her cheek on top of Lexie’s head. Both of them sigh heavily at the same moment, and both pairs of their eyes fall upon the shirt.

“I heard it always gets better in April. April rains wash away the coldness of the winter.”

Addison closes her eyes, one treacherous tear running down her cheek, “Sounds nice.”

Hugging the shirt to her chest, she clings to it and hopes with every fibre of her being that the world washes away Meredith’s coldness earlier than in April.

Notes:

see you next week!

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 64: could someone give a message to the smallest woman who ever lived?

Notes:

hiii, everyone!!

I'm editing this during my 'recreation basics' lecture because there's nothing better than exposing yourself as a fanfiction writer to random people in my year. Even better! A lesbian fanfiction writer. I feel like I have to share this, especially for the ones who have followed me on my Instagram from the beginning. I came out as bisexual earlier this year, but turns out COMPULSORY HETEROSEXUALITY IS A BITCH! So, yep, back on my 100% gay shit. (Shout out to Sky and Cami who were witnessing that moment live lol)

Suppose we're still on the yapping part of the notes. In that case, I think the world is ending with that disgusting piece of shit winning the election (I've been pretty involved in the topic). It's unbelievable that a convicted rapist has won over an educated qualified bright woman, just because she's a woman. I hope all my readers from the States are okay, but I know it's a terrible situation and I'm really sorry about it. How 70 million people voted for that man, hell, I have no idea.

Alright, ending the rant, we're back to the angst.

I will pray for y'all when you get to the bathroom scene. This might be the worst scene between Addison and Meredith I have EVER written. So. Yep.

Hope you enjoy it nonetheless;)

Addison honks for what must be the fifth time within the past fifteen minutes. Driving in the worst of moods to the hospital, the pouring rain doesn’t help to see through the windows, even if the wipers are constantly clearing the glass. It doesn’t help her spirits having slept four hours through the night, continually being kicked into her bladder and visiting the bathroom so frequently it awoken Lexie while she slept on the folded-out sofa.

In her eyes, everyone is breaking the driving code and a thought crosses her head of how nice would it be just to cause an accident. Not because she has a death wish, but because she hates everyone in the entire world.

Her thoughts gravitate towards Meredith. It’s always Meredith.

In the morning when she wakes up and rolls around, expecting to see blonde hair spread all over the pillow. Her first instinct is to turn to her and throw a hand over her waist, to soothe herself to sleep for fifteen minutes more. But she’s always alone in the bed, with Meredith nowhere in sight. In the evening, when she returns from her shift and hopes to see Grey at her door with tiramisu and a sickeningly precious smile on her lips. During lunch, to have her fall on her seat at the same table and gossip until their other friends gather around them. But now, she spends the lunch with Mark or Callie, because Meredith leaves the room through the opposite door as soon as she sees Addison walk in. Just escaping, slowly becoming less and less tactful about it.

It’s like a knife to her heart. How can two people who loved each other most in the world act like strangers again?

Addison feels like their story ended too soon. Downright absurd to think that only three weeks ago they were alright, progressing from friends into something more, not platonic. Now, here they are, with Meredith disappearing the moment Addison wants to reach out to her.

Their conversation last week, where Meredith left her in the middle of a corridor in the middle of a sentence… Three days ago Meredith answered her phone call, but their talk was token, monosyllabic, making Montgomery regret she even tried.

She got told that she was too busy to meet, too caught up with the clinical trial with Derek. Just like that, the call ended, leaving Addison still clutching the phone against her ear, hoping to hear Mer’s voice again, telling her it was all just a nasty joke.

Who knew how badly it hurt to lose something so quickly? She should have known from her past, but… Their story has barely begun before being viciously cut off, with no epilogue. She misses her smile and laughter, she misses the sweet words with which she would make Addison’s head spin and heart burst in affection. She misses the light Meredith became for her; a lighthouse through the storm; a safehouse throughout the apocalypse. She’s only a shadow of the things she used to represent as if all of this was a role she put up like an A-class actress.

A memory crosses her mind, how they talked while Meredith was in Hawaii. How honest they were, thousands of miles away.

But she erases it, knowing it might never come around. Parking in front of the hospital, she pushes herself out of her seat, groaning when her stomach gets in the way.
Lexie has been a true sweetheart, helping her around the house. But some things, she has to do alone - because it appears so, she will be a single mother.

As soon as she enters the building, she’s called to the conference room in fifteen minutes by Richard; all of the attendings are to be there. Not even going to change into scrubs, she heads straight there, with the phone in her hand, hoping for a sudden change of heart from Meredith’s side, for one stupid message lighting up the screen of the device.

She sighs, giving up and stuffs her phone into the small pocket of her leather bag.

“Addie!”

She halts in the middle of the corridor on the second floor and lets Derek catch up to her.

“Derek, hi.”

“Heading to the meeting?”

She nods, “Yes, I am.”

“Mind if we’ll walk together?” Derek flashes her a smile.

The situation with Derek should give her a lesson - of how quickly people may change. In his case, it is a positive change, while he is still trying to build up his reputation and find a way back to kindness that is hidden deep inside of him. Unfortunately, the change within Meredith turns out to be the other way around.

“No,” Addison manages to smile weakly back. “Not at all.”

“Thanks,” They begin to stroll down the corridor, Derek matching her speed - she got so terribly slow lately; with her stomach weighing her down, and her feet so swollen, she fears what will happen in the last month - because it’s probable June will be so hot it will kill her. She feels his gaze on her before he says. “You look, preoccupied.”

“You could say that. Just… some personal stuff,” Addison does her best not to sound bitter. The best idea is to change the subject. “What about you? How is the clinical trial project going?”

If he is surprised she asks him that - expecting she knows all about it from Meredith - he doesn’t show it.

“It’s progressing. Slowly but progressing. Stressful, a bit, because it needs to be done flawlessly before we present it to Richard. Meredith is deeply involved, I don’t think I have ever seen her so caught up with something. Without her, I don’t think I would ever come to this point in the project.”

“Oh, is she?” Addison says quietly. But perhaps Meredith was telling the truth, maybe the trial has her so caught up in all of it that she doesn’t have time for anything else. Or anyone else. Still, her heart skips a bit at the mention of Grey. “She must be very focused lately.”

“She is,” Derek nods, knowingly glancing at her, but she doesn’t catch that, too busy staring at the floor. “She’s barely leaving the labs and library. Must be hard for you.”

“Hard for me? Where did that come from?” Addison snorts humourlessly.

“You’re… You used to be together everywhere, all of the time. Now, she’s, you know, really absorbed in work,” Derek’s shoulder brushes against hers and she wonders if it was an accident, or if it’s an attempt to comfort her. One never knows with Shepherd. “But that’s Meredith. When she’s passionate about something, she gives it all of her.”

And when she’s trying to run something, she beats the light speed, the speed record in the history of humanity.

It’s hard to call her a coward because she’s still perfect in her eyes, and so, so stupidly loved by Addison. But how can you call it otherwise?

Addison stops walking, right by the corner of the hallway leading to the conference room. Given the conversation coming from the room, most of the attendings have already gathered, waiting for the Chief. It comes as a surprise, the sudden feeling she’ll burst if she doesn’t confide in someone. It’s so difficult to stay silent in a hurricane of confusion and pain. She palms her stomach and Derek stops, too. He looks at her with honest concern all over his features; eyebrows knitted together in a worried frown, lines on his forehead representing sadness. It’s such a disbelief to see him become an empath, transfiguring from that monster.

“It’s not just work. She’s been avoiding me. I think something’s bothering her but I can’t get through to her,” She says in one breath, so quickly the words blend. Her heart is beating so quickly after telling her the truth for the first time. She doesn’t have the slightest idea why it came out of her right now, but something about Derek, the man she spent eleven years of marriage with, made her open up.

“She can be difficult to read sometimes,” Right. He also spent a long time in a relationship with Meredith. He also knows how it is to be pushed away, rightfully so, if you ask Addison, and how she runs when things get too real. “Maybe she just needs space.”

“Space,” She repeats, voice empty. Ella kicks her inside and she moves her head in a circular motion. Opening her mouth to add something, Addison gives up on it.

“Just spit it out. You’ll feel better.”

She rolls her eyes but knows he might be a bit right. Plus, she started talking about it already, so now it doesn’t matter if she says more or stays quiet. Derek already knows something is wrong and she won’t change her decision on opening up. Would it kill her to confide even more?

“You don’t really understand. She’s run from me only once in the past half a year. And she came running back to me a day after, apologising and begging me to forgive her. She doesn’t run, she doesn’t do that with me. She might have with you, because she is a lesbian and it was an entirely different situation. With me, she is herself and she never needed to run. She doesn’t do that with me. Not with me. Something must be genuinely wrong.”

“Maybe this time she needs to run away further,” Derek says, but feels out of depth here. Her words came through to him, making him realise he truly might not grasp this situation. “She’ll come back to you, Addie. There’s no one in this world she loves more than you. The way she always spoke of you… you should see how her eyes light. I can try to talk to her if you would like that?”

“Really?”

A small hope blossoms in her ribcage. Meredith won’t hear her out, but she might not expect Derek to investigate.

“It’s not an issue,” Derek shrugs but smiles at her. “We already spend half of our time together.”

“I would be thankful if you could try talking to her. Maybe she’ll trust you,” Addison barely manages to say these words, a lump in her throat. The idea Meredith would rather confide in Derek Shepherd than in her… “She’s in pain. I see it, clear as the day.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Derek places a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Give her time. She’ll come around. And if she doesn’t, she can count on me.”

Addison nods, blinking away the tears. She’ll blame it on hormones. Appreciating the gesture she says, “Thanks, Derek.”

That’s when Richard passes them by and they follow him, no more time to talk or dwell on it. They enter the conference room and Derek closes the door before joining the rest of the surgeons.

---

It’s a miracle Addison manages to run to the restroom before she pees herself. Apparently, twenty-five minutes of the board meeting is too much for her baby, but trying her best to stay professional while in the second half of her pregnancy she didn’t say a word about her bladder about to burst because of a small human roaming over her own body. Thank God no one is there to witness her embarrassing run to the closest stall and moaning in relief when she manages to make it in time.

While peeing, someone comes in, sniffing and crying.

Not an unusual thing to happen in the hospital setting. Not only patients are troubled by this brutal reality, but employees, surgeons or nurses, go through their personal hells, too.

Addison flushes the toilet and comes out of the stall, about to wash her hands when…

She freezes, seeing the person by one of the sinks. Long blonde hair cascading down her back, two hands resting on both sides of the washbasin, as Meredith has her head tilted down, breathing heavily through her mouth as she attempts to quiet down the crying. It’s difficult to see anything in the reflection except her bangs falling into her face, but then she straightens her back and begins to wash her hands.

Slowly, acting as if Meredith is a wild animal, easily startled, Addison approaches the other sink. She gasps softly when she sees Meredith’s palms. Eight bloody crescent moons cut out in the sensitive gentle skin.

“Meredith,” Addison whispers, still in a heartbroken shock, unable to speak louder. “What happened?”

This time, it’s Grey who freezes in place before looking up to face her. Red puffy eyes blinding the beauty of her ocean eyes, tears streaks marking her pale cheeks, lips chapped, bitten; she’s always had that tendency to bite into her mouth until it bled. Looking so small, so fragile. In those moments, in the past, all Meredith needed was for someone to tell her she’s loved and someone to hold her through the worst.

But Addison feels like she doesn’t quite understand who Meredith is anymore. No matter how badly she wants to reach out, to see Meredith is still real, still a person, and not an imaginary friend she made up from loneliness, she doesn’t dare to.

“Why?” Her voice is louder now, as she can’t stop staring at the wounds on her hands.

“I…” Meredith dries her hands on her trousers, wiping the water off. “I…”

“What’s wrong?” Addison can’t hold herself back anymore and takes the hurt palms in hers.

“I can’t,” For the first time in forever, Meredith looks her in the eyes as her voice cracks. “I can’t talk about it, Addie.”

Addie.

Somehow the way she says it is better than anyone ever calling her that.

You never know how much you miss someone until they come around and do things which used to be a habit. You never know how these little things are building up your life, and expanding your heart until they’re gone and you find yourself barely remembering what was so good about them. Then, all of it returns and you hear one single word and you understand. You comprehend why did you love someone so much, and how much of your life was rebuilt by them. Such a simple thing, to be called Addie, yet here she is, feeling like her heart awakens to the song she hasn’t heard in weeks.

“Honey, you can tell me anything.”

That’s the truth. That has always been the truth since she sat down by her bed in September to watch over her in the patient room. Since she held her shaking on the mattress, two women meant to be parted by circumstances of being with the same man, she’s always meant it.

Bad or good. Or the worst. She’s here for it.

“Not this one,” Meredith shakes her head, voice straining. She pulls back, taking her hands away from the warmth, putting up an ice wall between them. “Not this one. It won’t- It won’t be like this. I can’t.”

Addison watches her walk around her like she’s some sickness to stay away from, towards the door. Running away, once again, slipping away, like a ghost you think you see at the foot of your bed until you turn on the lights and nothing is there.

But this time it feels different when Meredith begins to leave. Fatal, finite.

Is this how it ends?

Does every single person Addison comes to love more than anything in this world leave her in the end? Does nobody stay? Is that her prophecy to be always left behind? Can she change it, rewrite it? Does anybody stay until the epilogue of her life?

She wants to beg whoever is listening to fix it.

Maybe a greater woman would take it in, accept it, see it as her fate, wouldn’t beg, embarrassing herself. She is not one, though.

“Meredith,” One last time, she’s going to try. Mer halts with her hand on the door handle. “You can still tell me everything. You can still come back if you’re in pain. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. I still love you. I love you. A lot, Meredith.”

She expects her to walk away, just the way she did all these times before, over and over again, letting her down when Addison almost begged her to stay.

Instead, Meredith turns around slowly, and the look on her face is a new one. Well, not at all, because she saw Meredith Grey look at other people this way, but never at her. With so much pain, and so much pent-up anger, her grimace becomes hostile. Looking somewhere between being about to bolt, storm out of the restroom and breaking down on the floor.

She does neither of these things and later, Addison will deeply regret it was the third choice she never took as a serious scenario which could happen.

“Do you really? Do you really love me?” Meredith speaks with a coldness and bitterness Addison has never experienced in the forty years of her life. Her heart drops in her chest, and her lips hang open with no words to be said. “Because-” Then, the fury is turned off. The old indifference covers it up. “It just doesn’t matter anymore.”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter anymore?” The words fall off her tongue, but she can’t even recall herself saying them; she’s stuck in the words Meredith threw into the air so recklessly. Robotic behaviour rules over her as she speaks, the information not fully comprehended. Addison takes a step closer. “Of course, it matters, Meredith. Why would you even say that?”

“Just stop. Okay?” Meredith’s voice cracks but her eyes stay dry. Hundreds of shuriken fly through the tensed air between them to cover Addison in small cuts. “Just stop saying things you don’t mean. I get it you’re trying not to hurt me, but this? This is just cruel.”

Addison’s frown deepens, hurt turning into thorough confusion, “I’m cruel?”

The ridiculousness of the situation almost brings her to her knees.

Addison Montgomery has been many things. A cheater, a liar, selfish, arrogant, manipulative. The affair which ruined their marriage with Derek, the mistake that ripped them apart. All the little white lies to cover up her indiscretions. The times she had put her desires and ambitions above those of others, driven to succeed, clawing her way. The moments when she let her confidence turn into hubris. Using her charm and intelligence to get what she wanted, at the expense of others, justifying it as strategic, but deep inside knowing it was wrong.

She might be these things, she’s not trying to play a saint. She might have done all of this, but she is not cruel.

The silence rings off the walls.

“I am everything but cruel,” Her voice shakes with emotion; some of the sorrow and pain slowly turns into anger for being mistreated like this, by someone who used to protect her from the heartache of the entire world. “I just told you I love you. I just tried to comfort you and you’re calling me cruel. I’ve been worried sick about you, about us. I’ve been losing my goddamn mind. If I hurt you- Talk to me about it. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Meredith shakes her head. That girl looks like a stranger. Almost like… like someone came within the coat of night and dissembled her, and then put back together the pieces but in the wrong pieces, ruining the arrangement.

“No. I can’t do this, I can’t have you pretend, lie straight to my face. There’s no point. I’m tired, Addison. This is exhausting.

Addison. Not Addie anymore.

What wrong has she said to lose that privilege?

Clearing her throat, Addison tries to get rid of the lump in her throat.

Her heart is about to beat itself out of her chest, as her anxiety rises. She’s got a bad feeling in her gut - of course, she does, everyone would had it - but it’s different. One loud thought circles in her mind…

Is this what’s going to break them forever?

“Don’t give up on us. Please, Meredith,” Addison must be a complete fool because begging someone to love you is the lowest you can ever get to. Landing on the bottom, having to dig your way out of there for months if not years. “I can’t live without you. I love you so much. Please, Mer.”

“I love you, too, Addison,” A small smile begins to bloom on Meredith’s lips, one of the corners curling up. It would take one more millimetre for that sweet dimple in her cheek to appear. Unfortunately, Addison doesn’t see it the way a surgeon should see it - it’s a terminal lucidity. A trick which makes you believe things with recover only to find them dead, having to call the time of death. Soon, that shadow of a smile disappears. “But you know better than that. There’s no need to lie.”

For the thousandth time in the past weeks, whatever is left of Addison’s heart shatters. She palms her stomach, hoping if she thinks of her baby, of her only purpose to go on, she’ll find strength to carry both of them. Momentary, Mer’s gaze drops to the belly and her eyes glisten with tears.

“Please,” Addison whispers. “Stay.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

Loving Meredith is death by a thousand cuts.

Because the blonde leaves again, disappearing behind the door. This time, Addison knows it’s going to stick, she knows if these words haven’t come through to Meredith, nothing else is going to do that. She knows even Derek can’t talk sense into her.

Someone who used to be her anchor, now is just a ghost, left to haunt Addison.

She begins to weep. For everything they were, for everything they could have been, of what memories they missed because of falling apart.

She should have agreed to Naomi’s offer in October, she should have left Seattle for once and for all, and built a new life in Los Angeles. Raise her kid there, buy a beach house in Santa Monica, not care about her ex-husband, and ex-best friend, and that girl who slept with Derek while she was grieving her marriage in New York. She made the biggest mistake staying here because she loved someone.

Meredith’s right. She should have known better. You can’t make homes out of people, because eventually they will disappear under the surface and you’ll drown. Her mind should have won over her heart.

Maybe she can do it now. Nothing is lost. She can leave.

Not the right moment to make impulsive decisions but she makes one simple one; she needs to get out of this cursed hospital right now.

Blinded by tears, she walks out of the restroom, not bothered by people staring in shock, and concern. She can’t see three feet ahead, just hoping she won’t walk into someone; hugging her belly, she tries to comfort the baby, save her from feeling the overwhelming distress.

She ignores people whispering until she sees Mark on the horizon, who runs up to her as soon as he notices her. His hand gently catch her elbows, a grounding manner that seems to work on her. He pulls her around the corner in an empty corridor.

Without words, he brings her into his familiar embrace. Her side and cheek are pressed up against his chest, so the pregnant stomach doesn’t get in the way. He shushes her sobs, and brushes her red hair, wiping the tears away. He catches her before crashing into the ground.

“Take me away from here,” Addison cries. “I don’t want to be here. I want to go home.”

“I’ll take you home, Red. I’ll take you anywhere you want.”

“Take me to your house.”

“Okay,” Mark nods and rests his chin on the top of her head. They fit so well together, in a way that makes Mark believe they were created to be soulmates. Not romantic ones - they have tested every possibility that the world has given them and it never worked - but platonic. He’s here for the long ride, to hold her hand in the tough moments, and if life makes him, during the labour, too. He’s here, holding her up. “Okay. I’ll do that.”

“I hate it here, Mark” She whimpers, hiding her face in the fabric of his blue scrubs. “I hate it here.”

“I’ll take you away. I promise,” He wishes he could take away some of that pain, too. “It’s fine. It’ll be okay.”

Addison clings onto him, praying she won’t drown out there in the ocean, the ground under her she called home gone. She’s flapping her limbs around, doing her best to keep her head above the surface. But with Mark as a buoy, she might have a chance of survival.

Notes:

definitely let me know what you think about... that

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 65: please don't let this turn into something it's not

Notes:

Most of the times, I try to be diplomatic while handling difficult things and topics. I am polite, I am patient, I am considerate, and I try my best to please all of the sides (blame it on the libra in me). But today, it's not the case. The wave of hate I got under the last chapter was downright insane; it's like as if people have forgotten that reading my story is voluntary and free, not an obligation. In every moment you can just leave the page without throwing your sad poison everywhere. So I have one conclusion to share.

Fuck off.

And to those who have been with me from the beginning (or not! I value new readers as much) and still support me on every step, I love you guys. Your support means the world to me.

If haters couldn't stand last chapter's drama, they gonna faint reading one. Hope you enjoy;)

Forty-eight hours later, Meredith’s stages of grief shift into something new. Gone is the despair and sorrow and depression, which had her fingernails cutting the sensitive skin of her palms. Gone is… No, the love is not gone. She thinks she’s going to die sooner than stop loving Addison, even if all she does now is hurt her, lie to her while looking into her eyes.

The love is still here, but so is a new phenomenon - anger.

Overbearing rage that has her riled up in the worst way possible. She’s pissed off at everyone, at the entire world, at her friends and her enemies, and her boss, and her dead mother and drunk abusive father, at her sister- Well, Lexie might be forgiven here. But everyone else might just fuck off and leave her alone.

Even when one of her interns asks where they can find gloves, Meredith shouts at them so loudly it stops everyone in the emergency room for a second; her voice ringing off the walls between the moans of pain. She tells the intern she’ll do the goddamn thing herself since they’re so horrible at their job.

She marches out of the emergency room—plenty of doctors are handling everything there, so it doesn’t matter if she disappears for a moment.

The goddamn gloves.

Meredith walks to the closest storage room, ignoring when she bumps into a nurse, hitting her shoulder painfully. She doesn’t even feel it, the anger and irritation bubbling up inside her like lava, about to pour down from the mountain, burning down an entire village, leaving no survivors.

She shouldn’t have come to work today, because she can swear to God or whoever is steering this rotten world, that there’s going to be a new corpse in Seattle Grace. A person murdered by her if anyone else tells her they don’t know where the gloves are.

Her hand catches the handle and pulls it strongly - still on fire with her wrath - and swings the door open, not caring if she hits someone with it. She doesn’t, but even if she did, she wouldn’t notice.

She wouldn’t notice because Cristina Yang is pressing her little sister against the wall, with her hand in her scrub pants.

Cristina. Lexie. Cristina. Lexie. Cristina. Lexie.

Her eyes hop from head to head, brain lagged in a pointless circulation.

Cristina and Lexie.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

They jump apart like someone poured scalding water over their heads. Flushed, Lexie’s pink cheeks match the redness on Cristina’s neck where she’s got a violet bruise that’s blooming. Messed up hair, Cristina’s shirt hiked up over her chest, where Lexie was just holding her and touching, pulling her closer. Sweat on their temples, panting, chests heaving. Caught in the act, nothing to defend them whatsoever.

“I can’t believe this!” Meredith shouts, watching Cristina’s hand slip out of Lexie’s pants, then fixing her shirt back onto her stomach. “You’re fucking my sister?”

Lexie clears her throat, “Meredith, this is not what it looks like…”

Her eyes are widened in fear, almost horror. These doe brown eyes now seem to be inflating, and her bottom lip is wobbling as she stares at Meredith, looking like she wants the ground to swallow her whole.

“It’s not?” Meredith chuckles, shaking her head before raising her voice again. “I walk in on you with her hands down your pants and you have the audacity to tell me it’s not what it looks like?”

The commotion draws in a crowd. Nurses, doctors, and interns gather around the open door, including Bailey who’s barely hiding her shocked gasp beneath a stern look. People are staring at the three of them, and it’s the worst day to make Meredith Grey angry. But she’s already fuming, and nothing can stop her now - even unwanted spectators.

No. Not in this case.

“Let me handle this, Alexandra,” Cristina steps forward and raises her hand as if to protect Lexie.

Meredith’s jaw drops and she clasps her hands together - her laughter becoming manic, “Alexandra? You call her that? Is that some sort of kink between you? She can handle her own shit if she has the nerve to go behind my back.” She pauses for a moment, watching her person and her little sister, the air between them thick with something else. It takes one second more to realise what’s wrong. “Oh- It’s not the first time, is it?”

The silence from both women gives a definitive answer to her question.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God,” Meredith’s fists tighten, but even the comforting feeling of cutting into the skin, almost drawing blood doesn’t make this better; doesn’t calm her down; doesn’t stop her from almost murdering them. “You’ve been screwing all this time? Are you being fucking for real? My best friend and my younger sister,” She laughs again, and this time mania turns into something deeper and darker as she takes a step closer. “You’re my person, Cristina!” She points her fingers at Yang who bravely keeps eye contact. “My person! And you- You weren’t talking about Owen. You weren’t screwing Owen. It was Lexie all along. You lied to me! You lied looking into my eyes!”

“I didn’t,” Cristina finds her voice but it’s far from a shout. “I slept with him, too. I didn’t lie.”

Whispers and gasps can be heard from the crowd. Murmuring rustle becomes a melody as people stare in interest, and even Miranda Bailey can’t do anything other than watch. Because she knows Grey - she knows what Grey can do if she walks out there and tries to pull her out.

It would become a complete madhouse.

Lexie hides her face in her hands, mumbling, “Cristina…”

It takes just her name for Yang to realise she picked the wrong route for how this conversation could go.

“Fuck.”

“No. You didn’t just say that. You…” Meredith takes a step back, trying to put distance between her and Cristina Yang. Between her person, the woman who was on her side ever since the day they met and the night when Cristina listed her as her person in the papers. She reels back a bit, suddenly having this out-of-body experience, like she’s watching herself from above, seeing how she stumbles over her own feet - her sight is hazy and she can’t tell if it’s the fury or disbelief clouding her mind. “How could you do this to me? How could you do this to her? Play her like this? Her heart lives in her fucking vagina!” She looks at Lexie and grasps her wrist to expose her face, so that goddamn coward can look her in the eyes. It makes the younger Grey flinch at the touch and Meredith realises a second too late of what she’s done, letting go of her delicate skin, where Thatcher used to grab her. “Lexie, where was your brain? I- I regret giving you a chance. I regret loving you like family. The same goes for you, Cristina. Screw you both!”

Her rage shows no signs of abating, and the entire hospital is watching the dramatics unfold, her pain pouring out on everyone. The spectators keep gathering when someone catches her elbow.

“Enough, Meredith,” Mark says sternly.

She snaps at him, trying to free herself from his hold, “Stay out of this!”

Meredith can scramble as much as she wants but he is over a head taller and stronger five times, and her struggling doesn’t make a big impression on him.

“This isn’t helping, Meredith,” Derek says on her other side. “We need to talk about it somewhere private. You don’t need people to watch this.”

“I don’t need to talk!” Grey screams right into his face before snapping her head at the people she thought were her closest friends and becoming louder if that’s even humanly possible. “I need people to stop betraying me!”

Mark’s gentle when he pulls her back, “C’mon, Mer. Let’s go.”

She takes one last glance at the people… at the women she gave her entire heart to and cannot believe it’s the third person who let her down in such a short time. Her gaze hangs over them when Mark and Derek lead her through the crowd.

Tears are streaming down Lexie’s face, corners of her lips curved downwards, while Cristina’s face is blank. Empty. Flat.

Before she might see what happens next, she is on the other side of the corridor. All she hopes is that it hurts them like it hurts her.

She doesn’t ask where they’re leading her until they stop in front of Doctor Wyatt’s office. So tired and broken with ire, she asks no questions. She just walks inside.

---

“You mentioned the word ‘betrayal’ several times throughout our session.”

Twenty minutes later, Meredith is almost out of breath after spitting out every little detail of the past two weeks without giving herself a second to let the air into her lungs. She had no idea how much it weighed her down until it was out in the air, hanging over her in strained memory and tension; she never talked as much in therapy before as she does now. Turns out, even Meredith Grey sometimes has enough and just needs to vomit confessions as if she has just drunk a bottle of tequila.

“I guess I did,” She shrugs. Acting nonchalantly is not working here, not after oversharing things she feels ill about.

Why can’t she just shut up?

“Do you really feel betrayed?” Doctor Wyatt asks, but it’s bearing no passive aggression. More like she’s making sure of something she has just written down in the documents in her lap.

“How else can I call it? I fell for Addison and the signs she was sending were telling me she must feel the same. Then, she says she met someone new. Kaboom. I’m out of the picture, and she didn’t even tell it to my face. I found out by an accident. Then, Cristina and Lexie. They have been hooking up, probably while I was in the same building. Made me look like an idiot.”

“Alright. Let’s stop right here, focus on Addison,” Wyatt puts down her pen and looks at Meredith, and suddenly the blonde feels naked under that stare. “Did it ever cross your mind this might have been a misunderstanding?”

Meredith’s brows furrow, “A misunderstanding?”

“Yes. We shouldn’t cross that option off. You see, you haven’t confronted Addison with facts, with your version of the story. You did share your feelings with her - which is fair, you have that right - but you didn’t explain why are you pushing her away.”

“But she told Torres-”

“Okay, I got several fundamental crucial questions,” Her therapist seems to weigh her words. The waiting kills Meredith because if her overthinking can get worse, it does now. Because… a misunderstanding? How could this be a misunderstanding? It’s all plain as day. “We’ll return to your thoughts once you answer them. Is that okay with you?”

She doesn’t have any other option, does she?

She can spend the second half of the therapy session ranting and venting which can go nowhere because confessing your and other people’s sins isn’t enough here. She can pour her heart out - which feels odd to be so open and talkative - but it won’t get her too far.

“Yeah. Fine.”

“Do you believe Addison is a cruel person?”

God.

After the longest ten seconds of Meredith’s life, she finds her voice.

“No.”

“Do you think Addison would be able to go behind your back after all these times she helped you and saved your life?”

“No.”

“Do you think she would care so much about you after finding someone new?”

“No.”

Jesus fucking Christ.

Doctor Wyatt falls silent, giving her the space to take it in. Three simple questions, and yet they’re able to change someone’s worldview on a whim. Just a breath of breeze, heartbeat echoing in Mer’s ears. She stares at the door, her heart hoping to see Addison come in and have a chance to ask about the truth.

But she can’t go back in time and fix her mistakes, she can’t appear back in the restroom and stay instead of leaving Addison behind. She can’t, she can’t, she can’t, but she’s here and she’s no time traveller, and all the energy and anger after catching her person and her sister together evaporates.

“But…” She looks up at Wyatt as if hoping for disaffirmance in her gaze, hoping for absolution. “But if I misunderstood…” Her heart drops in her stomach. “Then that means I’m the one who destroyed us. I’m the one behind a dickhead, I’m the one who broke the other’s heart. I’m in the wrong.”

“I can’t promise you what’s the truth. I don’t know that. But you know how you can get your answers? Talking. Honestly. Not crying, not yelling, not arguing. You’ll get the deepest truth through a conversation.”

“If I misunderstood Addie and Callie’s conversation, I can’t look in her eyes ever again.”

“You don’t have to run to her straight after our session to face her. Take your time. Only you can change your prophecy, no one else,” Wyatt picks up her pen but writes without glancing down. “I don’t think it’s worth losing a great love like this over shame and embarrassment of past mistakes. If you ever make it official, if you make things right, you have to be prepared for harder times in a romantic relationship. Sometimes you’ll make a mistake and there won’t be space to hide and escape, there will be space only for communication. You have to start somewhere. And this is a good place to start.”

Meredith doesn’t feel brave enough today to think about Wyatt’s words. She grows sadder with each passing second, with the new light that has fallen over the situation; it’s enlightening but breaking her at the same time. Nobody likes to make mistakes, but this is something utterly different, something that has crossed the line of a superficial argument - she hurt Addison over and over again, and she feels sick to her stomach when she thinks about these jaded green eyes overflowing with tears and trembling bottom lip and Addison’s hand reaching out as if to stop her from leaving.

But then, new wave emotions wash over her - we’re back to bitterness when she thinks about this morning.

“Putting Addison aside, I’m pretty damn sure I’m not misunderstood about Lexie and Cristina.”

That makes Doctor Wyatt chuckle; which is brand new for the serious poker-faced woman, “To be quite frank, there’s no way to be misunderstood about something so graphic.”

“You can’t tell me that wasn’t betrayal,” Meredith crosses her arms on her chest.

“It wasn’t considerate of them to hide their relationship from you. We don’t know if it’s romantic or just sexual, but still, it was not fair towards you. Both of them are the closest people to you. I can’t neglect the way you feel, in any situation, and I understand wholly your perspective.”

“I just… All that anger,” Meredith closes her eyes for a moment and just feels. She still sees red when her memory takes her back, but her heart does break when she remembers the terrified emptiness in Cristina’s eyes at her rough cruel words, the flinching from Lexie after she grabbed her. When has she stopped controlling herself so badly? “I said things I didn’t mean.”

“We all do that under pressure, in the hot moment of emotions. There’s been a lot of weight on your shoulder.” Wyatt says, her pen lightly tapping on the paper; it’s a calming sound to which Meredith matches her breathing, slowing it down. “A lot happening, especially with Addison. The stress of her pregnancy, your fight. Today was the final hit and you blew up. It happens when that tension becomes too much. It’s the human condition. You would be a robot if you didn’t break.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“Meredith, you also have to remember you’re still chronically ill. Even if you’ve been in remission lately, even if the medication is working, it can bounce back. Your bipolar disorder hasn’t just vanished in the air, just because you’re not suicidal anymore. Bipolar disorder shows through many different symptoms. I read recently ‘People with BPD are like people with third-degree burns over ninety per cent of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement’ and having talked with my patients with that illness, it seems to be true. That’s why you reacted the way you did. You feel ten times deeper, and you get ten times more hurt at things other people would not mind. So, in an event as shaking as this, where even a healthy person would be devastated, it naturally hit you so badly.”

“I don’t wanna be like this,” Meredith murmurs. “I didn’t ask to be like this… I didn’t want this agony and freaking third-degree burns. I don’t wanna be fucked up and unable to process my feelings like a normal person.”

Doctor Wyatt sighs, “No. You’re not fucked up, that’s not what I was saying at all. Not at all. You can still have a beautiful life, even with a chronic illness of any type. But, allow me to return to the topic. I think Lexie and Cristina have their version of the story. You can still be angry at them, and maybe you’ll get furious once they explain. But I think it’s worth a try to talk and listen. No burning bridges, no shutting people out. Who knows? Maybe they’ll piss you off even worse, maybe they’ll give you a reason to forgive them.”

“I’m so tired,” Meredith sinks back into her seat and blinks away the tears. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“We can just sit in silence if that’s what you would like.”

Just like their first sessions, where Meredith would curl up inside her, putting walls up all around and not letting her therapist see anything.

It’s not like that anymore, but she nods and falls into the quiet, staring at the floor.

---

The crowd is dispersing, and shrinking in size once the main part of the show is over. People talk and whisper as Derek and Mark are making their way through them towards the storage room.

“I’ll take Lexie. Are you fine dealing with Yang?”

“Yeah, take the Disney princess all for yourself and leave me with the beast,” Mark snorts.

“You’ll get more experience!” Derek smirks at him, his tone borderline at amused when Mark stabs him in the ribs with his elbow. “She’s not as scary as she seems to be.”

Just like that, Derek heads for Lexie, leaving Mark staring at Cristina. He doesn’t quite know where to go from there because what the hell are you supposed to say?

She catches his stare, raising an eyebrow; a bit provocatively if you ask Mark Sloan. He makes a signal with his hand to follow him and she sighs but complies civilly but he guesses she is still in deep shock at what went down to end up so obedient.

Just around the corner, Mark finds an open door leading to an empty patient room - the bed is freshly made and everything is cleaned, ready for another hurting person who just wants to get better. He pushes the door open and waits until she’s inside before closing it softly. The blinds are rolled down, which is fitting for a conversation absurd and oddly sad like this.

Cristina sits down at the edge of the bed, and he can see when the same realisation comes across her.

“First time alone, right?” She muses like she’s doing everything just to not think about what went down ten minutes earlier.

“Right,” Mark nods, leaning against the wall, the way he tends to do all the time, whenever he is. He just leans on things, a natural feeling to gravitate towards surfaces. It calms him, to feel something against him, something steady. “Quite a plot twist. And I’m not talking only about this moment.”

“Are you going to lecture me?”

“No. I’m not here to lecture you, Yang,” He says honestly. “I’m here to understand the gravity of the situation. Meredith is your best friend. She trusts you most in this world.”

“You think I do not know that?” Cristina’s voice shows an edge as she glares at him. “I wanted to tell her eventually, but what was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, Mer, I’m sleeping with your sister’?”

“There’s no easy way to say that. But she deserved the truth. I know it wasn’t personal, but Meredith feels betrayed right now, so she might take it personally.”

“Of course, she takes it personally! She’s Meredith! I know her. And I didn’t want to lie, it’s just… if I told her, it would end things with Lexie and… I’m- I wasn’t ready for that.”

Mark takes in her words, surprise washing over him. He expected many things but not this. He didn’t think he would find Cristina conflicted not only about what she did to Meredith but about what it meant for her and Little Grey. He thought it was just sex because the idea of the two of them together is a concept hard to comprehend at a long shot. But he’s looking at Yang right now and no one without feelings would say the words that fell from her mouth.

There’s one crucial question he can’t help but ask.

“Are you in love with her?”

Cristina scoffs and stands up, beginning to pace around the room - doing anything but looking into his eyes, “I’m not. I can’t be. I’m not. She’s in love with Derek’s sister and I’m in… There’s someone else.”

“You sure?”

Where do they go from here? It’s hard to tell if she’s thoroughly sincere; her movements are frantic and her pacing becomes quicker. Not like a person who is not in love with Lexie Grey. But to be frank, Mark doesn’t know Yang that well. Yeah, they’re both close friends with Meredith, but that’s it in the end. Just loving the same person to the moon and back, and meeting at the group assembling, talking at the cafeteria by the same table, sometimes working together.

He can’t just make up a conspiracy theory based on one sentence. He’s not that type of guy.

“Yeah,” Cristina finally looks at him, frustrated and stops at once. “Even if I were - and I’m not - it wouldn’t change anything. This is about Meredith. I know I fucked up big time.”

“Let her cool off. Then, talk to her. She needs to hear your side of the story,” Mark advises. “She might be thinking you're using Lexie.”

“I’m not!” Cristina says, so loudly she surprises herself. It… hurts her chest to be even perceived this way. It hurts her heart to think someone would think she’s using her. It’s not… right. Not when it comes to Alexandra.” I might be many things, but I wouldn’t even go that far.”

“I get it. You get it. But Mer might not get it now in the heat of the moment.”

“I’ll talk to her. Eventually. When she’s not in the phase of ripping me apart.”

“Sounds fair,” Mark nods. “All you need is honesty.”

“Yep.”

“It’ll be fine.”

He feels sorry for Cristina. In the end, she meant no harm; he knows because he knows how it is to fall into bed with your friend and find the compatibility between the two of you it’s impossible to stop from repeating it, over and over again until becomes a habit, a pattern. It’s not meant to be about anyone else, not to hurt somebody. It’s just… sometimes two platonic friends can bring each other pleasure, and it’s just an intimate and safe experience that it’s one of the rules of human behaviour, Mark believes.

Because Callie. Oh, Callie.

How he loves the woman. They have never romantically seen each other, but there’s something about her that makes her perfect for him. In another life, she’s the love of his life. But not this one, and he doesn’t even feel bitter over it. He likes her by his side, the two of them ranting about their love lives with such trust it overwhelms him.

So if anyone would understand Cristina, it would be him.

“It better be,” She sits down on the bed again. Looks at him with something new in her eyes. “You’re not that bad, McSteamy.”

One of the corners of his mouth curls up, “Aren’t you the queen of compliments?”

It makes her genuinely chuckle. But deep inside she’s wondering about what’s the feeling in her chest, that seems to inflate until it’s uncomfortable, until she feels like she’s suffocating and her lungs are burning. What is it? That fire in her heart. What has changed? She looks at Mark and hopes to see an answer, but his face is blank.

---

The sounds of soft crying echo in the four walls of Derek’s office. Sniffling and hugging herself in the middle, Lexie sits curled up in the chair across the desk from Derek who’s watching her with sadness and empathy in his eyes.

He reaches out with a box of tissues which she accepts politely.

“You keep tissues with pink fairies in here?” She whimpers and wipes her nose, after looking closely at the pattern.

“Stole them from Peds.”

She chuckles, but tears keep flowing down her flushed cheeks. Her hair is still a mess after the encounter in the storage room, and he doesn’t have the heart to tell her about it; he’s going to make sure she fixes herself before leaving his office, but this is not the time for now.

Somehow to see her this vulnerable and small, it makes him realise how much younger she is. She’s just beginning her journey in this hospital, beginning to crawl up the ladder meanwhile trying not to make mistakes. But it’s the mistakes you learn from. However…

Derek is not sure this is a mistake. Lexie and Yang.

So, let’s talk.

“Okay, Lexie. What did go down in that storage room?” Shepherd does his best to keep his voice moderate and gentle. It took a lot of violence he thrived on unhealthily to make him understand that it’s going nowhere, that it’s only the softness that can lead him anywhere.

“My stupidity happened,” Lexie sobs, throwing her hand up in the air with the snotty tissue. “I’m such an idiot, Doctor Shepherd.”

“Derek. You can call me Derek here,” He says and waits until she nods. “It wasn’t one time, was it?”

“No.”

That was to be foreseen. Somehow it crossed Derek’s mind before they even stopped Meredith from throwing her hands at the two. Perhaps it was the way Cristina stepped in front of Lexie, guarding her away from her sister, from the crashing sky, pouring out the secret of their affair. Maybe the way Lexie’s eyes landed on Cristina, and somewhere between fear of being uncovered, there was care. So much care, so much worry, not for herself but for Yang.

“Did it mean something?” He asks, tilting his head, gently rolling left to right on his swivel chair, which helps him think. “All of it?”

“Of course it meant something!” Lexie looks surprised by her own fierceness, but she doesn’t back down. “Cristina is my friend! I mean. It could never be meaningless, because… I care about her. She’s my friend.”

This might go nowhere if he doesn’t just hit her with straightforwardness.

He just has to make that hit and pay attention to each small gesture, each flicker of emotion, each wince.

“Are you in love with her?”

Her eyes widen briefly, and a flicker of something reminiscing panic flashes through her; she instantly looks away, darting her eyes onto the floor, clearly escaping whatever Derek wants to catch in her as proof. Her mouth opens but no words come out. Instead, she bites onto her lower lip.

Hesitating. Weighing her options. Conflicted with herself, in the very depth

She swallows hard, as her shoulders slump - which looks like an attempt to shrink away from the tense silence of the office. You can hear a pin drop. But she manages to shake her head before several seconds pass and she finds her voice.

“No,” Lexie looks him straight in the eyes, red and glassy, voice trembling. “No, I’m not.”

Derek looks at her piercingly, focused on putting the puzzle pieces together.

Lexie hiccups, wiping away the tears with her sleeve, forgetting about the tissues, “I didn’t mean it to happen like this. I never meant to betray Meredith. I love her so much, and she came to love me, too. Now, I’ve lost it all just because I slept around.”

“If you don’t feel anything for Cristina, then you have to end this.”

“I know. I know.”

There’s a moment of silence where her cries soothe and quiet down and he thinks they’re past it all but one glance at him, at his serious face and she bursts into tears and he knows why she’s crying right away. She’s not crying only because of what they did to Meredith. She’s crying because she can’t kiss Cristina again, can’t touch her again. She’s heartbroken.

Standing up, Derek rounds the desk and slips into the other chair next to her, bringing her into a tight hug.

“It’s going to be okay,” He shushes her, with Lexie’s head pressed against his shoulder. “She’s going to forgive you. Just give her some space.”

“No,” Grey shakes her head, her sobs intensifying with each passing second. “Not everything’s going to be okay.”

Words to comfort her for this are hard to find. Nothing ever soothes the pain of love that doesn’t have a place to build a home onto, that doesn’t have a place or right to exist. Not every love story, or a story of something that blossomed between love and unsaid, has a happy ending. All you can do is either let go of it or hope until it kills you.

“The heart wants what it wants,” Derek whispers and she nods.

---

The buzzing of her phone makes Addison finally pull it out of her pocket just as she arrives at the attendings’ lounge to take a small break. She feels out of breath today, weirdly heavily - at least more than usual. Like something is happening, something she is not aware of, but her body somehow knows that there’s an ongoing change in her life. It haunts her, almost taunts her because the alarms go off in her head at every step and she worries it might be about Ella; she talked to Arizona this morning and got examined, finding out everything is good and the baby bee is safe.

She frowns upon the five unanswered calls from Sam and clicks on the notification. Before she may call her friend back, Miranda pops her head into the room.

“Ready, Doctor Montgomery?”

“Give me a second,” Addison says, knowing this might be serious. They haven’t talked since her last visit to Los Angeles, and it’s been years since they have been communicating regularly; you grow out your friends throughout the entire length of your life and she learned how to make peace with it years ago. The only thing she still hasn’t made peace with is Meredith growing out of her. She may never make peace with it. “Do you mind waiting?”

“Fine,” Bailey looks her up and down. “Just be quick.”

Their surgery is about to start in fifteen minutes, but Addison guesses this might be quick. Hopes so, at least, because…

The gut feeling that’s been choking her becomes stronger.

She presses the number and sits down on the chair, sighing heavily when her spine relaxes, yet her shoulders tense. The beeping of the phone makes her heart run, and with each one of them, it becomes worse. Sam almost doesn’t pick up, but then…

“Sam?”

“Addison.”

The tone of his voice makes her heart drop and she stands up like it might make her braver. Each word he spells out makes her feel faint, her head spinning as she feels utterly sick to her stomach. The ground beneath her feet feels shaky and she loses touch with the reality. Then, everything is black as the curtains go down and she can’t feel anything except an overwhelming ache spreading in her body. Black dots in front of her eyes, and she’s almost about to throw up. Nothing is clear, nothing is light.

The last thing she hears is Bailey calling out her name, but she can’t react. The world becomes blank.

---

She ends up on the couch in the lounge, watching Bailey apologise and leave once a group of her friends arrive, running into the room at top speed. Mark, Arizona and Derek instantly get to her; Derek crouches in front of her, Mark sits on the edge of a small coffee table while Arizona takes a seat by her side, handing her a glass of water.

“Addison?” Arizona asks gently, leaning in to catch Addison’s gaze - to check if it’s sober and she’s not slipping away again. They know the baby is okay. They know it’s alright. Then what has happened?

Memories come crashing in and the realisation hits. She feels sickened to her bones. She can’t do this. She can’t be the one to spell these words, she can’t be the one who shares the bad news.

She knows the weight of that. She knows how much responsibility it carries because once you are the one who speaks, then they will always remember you for it. They will always link the memory to you to how you expressed it, how you changed their world. She knows because she’s been there before, from both sides and it never gets easier.

“Red,” Mark takes her hand, squeezing it and grounding her. “Are you okay?”

“Naomi…” She murmurs, her mind drifting away, dissociating somewhere where this version of life isn’t real. A version of the universe, alternate and far far away, where pain does not exist.

Derek frowns up at her, “What about Naomi?”

“She had an accident,” Addison clears her throat and straightens her back. It doesn’t make her courageous but she can’t pretend - fake it till you make it. She cuts off her emotions and tries to strengthen her voice as she speaks. “She’s in a critical state. She’s dying.”

The silence is ringing. No one speaks; just two men staring with horror at her face and Addison staring right back with the same terror flooding her weary eyes.

---

Today’s atmosphere in the hospital is exhausting to the point of everyone’s limits, or at least to Cristina’s limits.

Barely ever happens to have Cristina Yang wishing she was out of the cursed building, but today, even hours after the scene which happened in the morning, she’s out of any strength to go on in the ambitious motivated way she does with each case she cares about. The walls seem to laugh at her, and colleagues stare at her whispering to each other. Most of the time, she wouldn’t care but today is different. She thinks about Meredith, about the look in her piercing blue gaze, about the words she threw at them like bullets, about how they pulled her away before she would do something she couldn’t come back from. She thinks about Lexie.

A lot.

She thinks about her a lot, and one fragment repeats in her mind all of the time - when Meredith grabbed her, which was not deliberate, but rather made in the heat of the scene, and made her flinch. It almost makes her angry. That she didn’t protect Lexie enough, that she let it go that far, and…

Meredith should have known better.

That’s it.

She loves Grey more than the world itself, but she’s grown out of unhinged gestures and impulses, Meredith seems to be running back to the bad habits. One of these days, she will find her sipping tequila in the bar, rolling down the hill into relapse; something must have made her do this and Cristina missed it, right in front of her face. In the end, Meredith gave so many signs. So many signs. She can’t draw them on the map anymore because she’s missing so many clues. Her heart is heavy because that’s not the only Grey she is worried about.

They parted with Lexie immediately and each time they saw each other on the horizon, they chose different paths. Just not be seen together, caught in a situation which would dig the grave deeper - to such depth from which they could never climb their way out.

She finally decides she deserves a break and leaves through the back entrance, finding a lonely bench that’s her destination. Some fresh air will do her good, away from the suffocating of the haunted halls. In her Seattle Grace’s jacket, she settles down, thinking about the night shift she is about to start in an hour - perhaps she should be napping right now to power up, but the thoughts wouldn’t let her rest anyway.

Hugging herself in the middle, she tries to vanish into the bench. She would kill for a steaming cup of coffee, but she’s nowhere near standing up and entering the hospital again.

She hears the back door fall shut loudly but chooses to ignore it until the footsteps follow in her direction. Someone sits down next to her.

“Cristina.”

Her neck snaps when she quickly turns her head.

In flesh and blood, it’s her. It’s Izzie.

She says her name, but the confusion combines with many other mixed feelings and she has no idea what she should do right now. If Meredith sees her with Stevens on the same day she found out about having an affair with Lexie, she might actually end up in the psych ward once again for a psychotic episode.

“I need to tell you something. I don’t have anyone to tell it to anymore. And it’s important. Really important. I don’t think it can wait.”

“I don’t care,” Cristina answers coldly. But oh, she does. Her heart skips a beat, having not been in such proximity to Izzie in weeks, for so long. She misses her, and she could never admit but seems to still love her, more than can ever be said.

“Please,” Izzie’s eyes glisten, her voice trembles. “Cristina.”

“I’m not being your friend just because Bambi left.”

Her tone is mean, but it’s this way to rather protect herself from falling over again than to hurt Izzie.

Izzie stares at her for so long and waits until Cristina looks at her. She might never talk about it, but all it takes is one look at Yang, at her frozen expression to see the love in her. Yang blinks at the overflowing fear in the blonde’s eyes. She’s terrified. Panicked. It makes Yang bend under the intensity.

“No,” Stevens shakes her head. “You don’t have to be my friend. You just need to listen.”

The next three minutes of Izzie’s constant talking with a voice oddly flat makes Cristina want to kill herself. This is the worst day of this year.

No.

This is the worst day of her life.

Notes:

I recommend thinking twice before you share something on the internet. I hope y'all get better:)

find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=da9ab6853a34414f

Chapter 66: if the world was ending, you'd come over, right?

Notes:

so… hi.

i know it’s been forever since i updated or showed a sign of life but i’ve been going through a lot. receiving hate was the catalyst for everything else going downhill, of me breaking down because of everything that was wrong with me and my life. i’m midway through getting a new diagnosis for another mental illness, and it sucks and everything else sucks and the last thing i needed was that ao3 mess on top of that.

ao3 was always my safe place - somewhere i could go on mondays and count on you, my wonderful readers i love so much, and your beautiful comments. i almost let it be taken away from me, and maybe i’m being over dramatic just because of a few petty vicious comments. still, it hit me pretty hard. this might be because ao3 was my ONLY safe place in years as i have never felt safe in environments i live in and i’ve never expected for it to be attacked. but i’m back. i can’t promise regular posting again - my exam session starts in january and lasts the entire month and i really, *really* need to pass everything.

thank you so much for the messages and comments to check up on me. it made me feel really loved and i deeply appreciated it. i hope i didn’t cause too much worry.

secondly, i have to thank you again, for the time we spent on this fic in 2024. i wouldn’t have gotten this far without your support each week, even when i was taking breaks for a long time. every time i came back, you were there waiting to read whatever drama and angst i was about to throw on you. it’s crazy that in a week we’ll celebrate two years of TOHIBST (should i post another chapter on 6th??? let me know). i’m forever thankful for the empire we built here.

with that, i want to wish you a happy new year - i hope 2025 will be gentle to you, full of growth, happiness and peace, and you have few reasons to worry and many to smile, and that no tears will mark your face<3

now let’s get back to the traumatic business…

“I still think you shouldn’t be coming.”

Addison sighs, her eyes fluttering from the slumber she’s started sinking into. The light interior of her private jet materialises in front of her, despite all the hopes she had to wake up in a different place, at a different time. Months ago, really. That’s where she wants to be - the past.

Instead, she faces Derek staring at her, concerned and as blue as she is.

She rubs her face, pushing herself off Mark’s steady shoulder and straightening in her seat. The constant whizz of being in the plane bothers her more than it used to; maybe it’s because of the baby, maybe it’s because of how exhausted she is, of the weight of her body, as well as the weight of the words constantly being hollered inside her head.

In these moments, in the worst of it all when it’s only the shouting and sobbing echoing down the memory lane, she thinks about Ella.

She can recognise her voice by now. She knows it’s her mama’s voice, and now all the Taylor Swift singing by Lexie in the apartment will actually have a consequence, but if it means her daughter will turn out the way Lexie did, then they’re all safe and sound. She has taste buds now, too, and Addison blames it on her having a sweet tooth all of the time. She misses tiramisu. But there’s none without Meredith because the idea of having something that older Grey always brought her around makes her sick.

Her movements inside are so easily to be felt. Even the littlest of hiccups, like she’s a tiny acrobat. It’s comforting, despite she can’t sleep in the middle of the night and talks softly and quietly to Ella to ease down and let her sleep. All she ever does is count her small kicks.

When she decided to take on this path, she knew she was doing it all alone. She was fine with it. She was ready.

Then, Meredith happened.

And she feels now like she’s not a single mother by choice, but rather by the circumstances she encountered.

In these dark times, she needs the other person, who is in it with her. Who is on board with everything, who is in it. She needs a person, and that person is mile by mile further away from her as she flies through the west coast with only black clothes packed in her suitcase.

“You’re not going to be bossing me around,” She says, tone dark.

“Well, I also think this is irresponsible.”

Addison glares at Mark.

This is not the place or time to take shit from any man alive, no matter if he is her family or enemy.

“First of all, you were present when Arizona examined me and cleared me to go if I only went to see my previous OB when we land. Second…” The bravado and persistence slowly wash away when she needs to finish the sentence. “Naomi has been my friend half of my life. I can’t- This might be goodbye. I deserve to say goodbye.”

“This is going to take a big toll on your health,” Derek says.

They act like she’s also not a doctor. But… She understands, partially. She would act the same way they do if she was in their place. She would be as concerned and worried, because she loves her friends and wants what the best for them. Derek and Mark… they are the same. They care for her, even if in an aggravating way.

“It would anyways, even if I stayed in Seattle,” Addison hopes to see the slightest twinkle of comprehending and finally, Derek’s eyes light up, soon to fade instantly. But he knows. “This changes nothing. My heart would break no matter what, if I’m there or if I’m here.”

“We’re just worried, Red,” Mark says, his hand slipping onto her knee, squeezing it gently. “The baby is the priority right now.”

“We just want to keep you and the baby safe.”

The harmony in their voices finally makes her break into a smile. A suspicious, warm, kind of smile creeps onto her well-defined dark lips as she glances from Mark to Derek, back and forth.

“Since when the two of you are so agreeable?” She can’t help the tease in her voice.

They’re so in love with each other it even hurts to look. Even in this grim period when all of their strength is being tested, both Sloan and Shepherd seem to be still tightly held down by their connection and their unbreakable love. Addison is happy for them, more than ever, despite the occurrences they all meet here.

Derek’s smile is weak, “Sometimes it’s better to be peaceful than at constant war.”

Who would have known Derek Christopher Shepherd could ever say a line like this?

Addison only hums to that, deciding she should savour up power before they land. She snuggles her cheeks into Mark’s side, her hands twisting around his arm after she pushes down the armrest to let her stomach fit. Her eyes are closed, but she never falls asleep; while resting, she listens to their conversation about politics, and the long-time search for a full-time cardio attending and a movie they saw last week at the cinema. It’s a relaxing white noise, which finds a way to stop the dark thoughts.

---

The legendary by now red Porsche is waiting at the over-crowded airport for them. It takes one call for Addison to make, and this time it didn’t fail them as well. Without putting up a fight, Addison gives up driving and sits on the passenger seat, watching Derek turn the keys in the ignition. Mark ends up in the middle of the backseat, with all of their suitcases they packed on a whim in Seattle, trying to make it a record time, the moment they got out of the hospital.

It’s clear they are barely in the limit speed and Derek does his best not to go faster.

After eleven years of marriage, Addison can recognise the smallest movements that betray Derek’s calm facade. Those little mannerisms show how badly he is afraid.

His knuckles turn white from how tightly he’s gripping the steering wheel and she watches carefully how his jaw clenches, teeth-gritting - all of this just to stay in control and not throw them into the ditch because of his racing heart. It takes one broken string of focus and they might all be dead. And that’s why she trusts Derek despite that knowledge - she trusts him because his thumb is tapping rhythmically into the leather element of the wheel. When he does that, especially unconsciously, it means this is the real deal. It means his fear is so great he wouldn’t let anyone else get hurt.

The depth of his worry and pain is perhaps even bigger than the ocean itself.

If she could, she would hug him.

When Mark’s hand lands on her shoulder, she smiles back at him. It’s a soothing gesture, telling her quietly: ‘I’m here, too. I see it, too. We’re all in this together. The three of us.’

Addison places her palm atop his, her eyes still watching Derek’s hands.

The car ride is the longest drive in the history of humankind. Addison feels like time passes a thousand times slower even if Derek speeds down the highway. She stares at the tall waves of the ocean on their right, at the people on the beach whose lives aren’t currently changing with no way to go back in time, who have no idea she is about to face one of her biggest fears. She thinks about late September, about the cold water and Meredith clinging onto her like a lifeline.

The hospital appears on the horizon five minutes after taking a turn left and driving into the busy streets of Santa Monica. It’s a grant tall building, of white walls and asymmetric hospital wings, and instead of enrapturing the way it always did when Addison showed up there, in this scenario, there’s only dread.

Dread when they park their car at the back. Dread when they circle the building to enter through the front door. Dread when Mark freezes right in front of the entrance, unable to move and says, “I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to see.” Dread when Derek takes his hand and ushers him inside, following Addison’s lead. Dread when they ask where Naomi is at the front desk.

Dread, dread, dread.

The men slow down to match her tempo, on both of her sides like bodyguards. She feels grateful for that because if it wasn’t for them here… She would collapse onto the floor from the consuming horror settling deep in her bones.

They find Sam Bennett on the third floor of the west wing, pacing down the corridor, buried in his thoughts. Pale, with dark circles under his eyes, he is a ghost of himself.

His daughter sits on the chair, with her face hidden in her hands.

“Sam,” Addison says, voice weak because of the shallow breathing,

Their friend halts and looks up at them. It shakes him of the crazed state of mind, awakening him a bit, and bringing him into reality. Which doesn’t have to necessarily be a good thing because reality is not a pleasant place to be.

“Hey,” He breathes out and accepts the hug from Addison; it’s an awkward angle, but there’s no help for that. “Thank you for coming,” When Sam steps back, he looks down. “You’re big.”

“I know.”

But even this can’t bring smiles to their faces. He greets Derek and Mark, while Addison questions if she should approach Maya, but the girl seems like it’s the last thing she wants to do - greet people like her world is not falling apart.

Derek is the one to finally ask the question everyone is thinking about, “What happened?”

If it’s even possible, Sam’s face becomes paler. He’s drained out of all the colours; it’s impressive he is still standing on two legs, grounded and focused.

“She drove Maya to school this morning,” Bennett lowers his voice, stepping a bit further to give more distance between him and his daughter. Careful not to bring the memories back, the guilt she must be feeling. “She was on her way to work from the school when the car was struck head-on by a speeding jeep which swerved into her lane.”

“Jesus Christ,” Mark says, rubbing his chin.

Addison feels weak in the knees and leans against Derek, who keeps her standing straight.

“What have the doctors said?”

“Her ribs are broken and fractures punctured one of her lungs, she- She’s barely able to breathe. They took her to the OR but…” Sam closes his eyes, taking a second for himself. Ex-wife or not, it’s Naomi. It’s his Naomi. “Her brain is severely injured, she’s unconscious and they question if she’s ever going to wake up. She might not even… They still don’t know how badly her spine is damaged.”

Staring at each other in silence, for a moment being a surgeon is a curse. Far from a blessing.

They’re all in this field. All four of them know it requires a miracle to come out of this alive. For sure not healthy and not forever altered, even if Naomi does return, but… It’s a one per cent possibility. They all know it.

“This surgery to save her might last hours. They all know her here, they’re all doing their best.”

“We’ll wait with you,” Addison says, not even offering but rather stating.

“No, Addie,” Sam shakes his head. “You can’t.”

“Let’s be serious here, Sam. We came here all the way from Seattle,” She doesn’t back down, no matter how her body is floating away, pain spreading into each limb. Her stomach feels ten times heavier and she palms it, a comforting gesture she does like she could just hug the babygirl safe inside. “You need support, your daughter needs support.”

Sam pulls out keys from his jeans pocket and hands them to Mark, “This is to Naomi’s house. She would have wanted you to stay there instead of booking a hotel room.”

They’re already talking about her like she’s deceased.

As if practising for the moment that will come sooner or later, whether today or tomorrow.

“We’re staying,” Derek says firmly.

“Yeah, we are,” Mark nods.

“No,” Sam looks up at them in a different way. He’s hesitating to say something and Addison’s heart drops before he can even continue. From the dimmed light in his eyes, the only thing she can read is that more bad news is coming - which, to be frank, seems impossible to outdo this nightmare they have starring roles in. “You need to go to the practice.”

When Addison glances at her friends, they are equally confused as she is.

Sam’s eyes stop on Derek for a long while, looking like he’s lost the sense of forming words on his tongue.

With a sigh, he opens his mouth and…

“It’s Amelia.”

---

The tension in the apartment is palpable. Heavy and thick, like it’s the middle of July with the heat beating down onto the ground, not March which is still embracing the cold. With each passing and second and rhythmic footstep on the hardwood floor, it grows deeper, the sense of despair in the room.

Lexie sits on the edge of the couch, her fingers nervously fidgeting with a loose thread on a cushion. Her eyes track every movement of Cristina’s erratic behaviour. There are no right words to be spoken here, and she gives up on pushing herself to console Yang.

Yes, even Lexie Grey knows where to stop. Even she knows that sometimes there is no comfort, no consolation.

Instead, she focuses on the faint scent of the rain slipping through the ajar window just to not lose her mind.

Finally, Cristina stops dead in her tracks, “What am I supposed to do?”

Alright. They can talk now. They can go from here.

“You tell them.”

As easy as it sounds, Lexie knows it’s only simple to be said out loud. But Cristina Yang is unstoppable, right? Cristina Yang can do anything she puts her mind to, and right now, she should put her mind to saving her friend. Saving the woman she loves, and that woman is not Lexie.

“She’s trying to deny it now,” Cristina snaps, but it’s nothing personal; it’s the helplessness in her voice that’s heartbreaking, even if she shows it through anger. “I called her an hour ago, asking about more details of her results because she obviously had to run away once she told me, and she now said to forget about it.”

All mere excuses, Lexie thinks and speaks again, “You tell them.”

“Should I?”

This is a situation where you lose any sensibility and the sense of what’s right and wrong. Anyone under this much pressure would break and stop thinking straight.

Because it is unmistakably clear she should.

“It’s about her life, Cristina,” Lexie sighs, running her hand through her hair. “She might be dying. Grudges aside, Meredith would never ignore it.”

“Meredith is not speaking to me.”

“Izzie is dying and you still love her, so get over it and save her life.”

Cristina halts again, after starting to pace around for the second time, and looks at her in a way she has never looked at Lexie before. For a short moment amid chaos, her gaze softens in an almost imperceptible way, in a gesture of vulnerability she never lets anyone see.

The intensity of the stares makes Lexie shift uncomfortably on the couch, misguidedly believing it’s anger shooting right at her. Perhaps she was a bit insensitive… Perhaps she said too much but something about Cristina’s gaze makes it unable to look away. She’s just there, not moving, not speaking; as if caught between the gravity of Lexie’s words which swirl inside her, and annoyance of listening to them.

Cristina’s eyes linger. It’s not anger at all - it’s not quite admiration either, not confusion, but something stuck in between. If read right, it could reveal more than Cristina has ever meant to admit, but Lexie doesn’t catch the meaning behind it. She’s too lost in her own urgency to notice the subtle shift in Cristina’s demeanour of this devotion you can never recover from.

But Yang blinks and the moment passes as quickly as it had come.

“Listen,” Lexie tries again, picking up where she left it. “Tomorrow, you take them all, Izzie, Meredith, and Alex to a quiet place, you sit them down and talk about it. You’re a good friend, Cristina, and this is a test for you. And you’re going to pass it, even if I have to drag you back to the hospital.”

Cristina stares at her, lost for words. Speechless. Something is changing forever here, in this small apartment, away from the eyes of the city that keeps taunting them.

“You stay here tonight. The bedroom is free, Addie is in LA. Stay. You’re in no state to drive a car or stay alone at home. I don’t know if Callie is on the night shift tonight. So, you can’t be alone.”

“Since when are you bossing me around, Three?”

“If you paid attention, I do boss you around often.”

“When?”

“In bed.”

Cristina rolls her eyes, but finally there is a genuine smile stretched out on her beautiful lips. It’s the biggest victory Lexie could have today, to be the one who caused it, who banished the dark clouds away.

“But I’m taking the couch,” Cristina declares, that tone of voice which shows there’s nothing to talk her out of the idea. “You sleep in Montgomery’s bed. Mer would kill me if she found out I slept there, despite she already has a death wish on me. Better not to test my luck.”

She does stay. Both of them end up on the couch with 10 Things I Hate About You playing on the TV, the disc from one of Lexie’s DVDs in her vast collection, but Cristina is fast asleep within ten minutes. After the day they had, it’s no wonder for the exhaustion, but somehow Lexie can’t find herself relaxing into the welcoming arms of sleep. She peeks at Cristina on the other end often but lets it go instantly and focuses on the movie.

As credits roll down the screen, Lexie gently sits up, careful not to wake Cristina up but Yang instantly blinks awake at the movement.

“Don’t leave,” Yang says with a raspy voice.

“Cristina…”

Lexie sits at the edge of the couch, considering her options.

“Don’t leave,” Cristina’s eyes open wider, even if they’re still hazy. There’s something terrible about seeing her so vulnerable because it takes a lot to break this woman down. “Alexandra, I can’t be alone with this.”

Oh, how could she ever leave now?

Meredith is not here, she can’t see them, and things seem to be lost, anyway. Even if it’s the last time they get to be so close physically, let it be it. One last time, one last night; maybe it’s going to be different - Lexie doesn’t know if Cristina wants sex or wants comfort. Either way, she stays.

Slowly, she lies down on her end of the couch and watches Cristina pick herself up. Lexie stays frozen until Cristina crawls on top of her. Nuzzling like a cat, she settles comfortably with her nose tucked into the warm skin of Grey’s neck.

“I don’t want to have sex,” Lexie says quietly.

“I don’t want to either,” Their legs intertwine in such a natural manner it’s like they’ve done this every night for their entire lives.

It’s a breath of relief that comes from Lexie’s mouth - she knows Cristina would respect her wish no matter what, but it would feel so bad to deny her tonight. She would draw the lines, always, but the guilt would trick her into falling into its painful grip.

“You’re not alone, Cristina,” Lexie adds, her arms hugging Cristina tightly, pulling her closer.

“Thank you.”

They fall asleep together, even if both of their minds are busy with the reminiscent memories of today’s events. The anxiety is strong, but their bodies tangle and their chests pressed up together bring so much peace is stronger.

---

Cristina leaves before dawn, closing the door quietly enough not to wake up the younger Grey. It’s not running away from the feelings which arose last night - it’s rather running towards saving Izzie’s life. Still in her wrinkled, smelly clothes, she heads straight to the hospital and the moment she catches sight of Meredith and Alex, she grabs them both and drags them to the tunnels. She ignores Meredith’s curses and whining, ignores Alex poking her and she bids them to wait in place until she’s back.

It’s a much harder task to do so with Izzie, but in the end, she wins.

The moment Meredith sees them, she snorts bitterly, “Let’s be fucking for real, are you testing my patience even more? Should I tell you to fuck off forever?”

“Sorry but I’m with Mer on this,” Alex says, dropping onto the mattress on the bed by the window.

Cristina sits Izzie down next to him, without speaking because there’s a lump in her throat and she feels suddenly so sick it almost slams her onto the floor.

She opens her mouth but-

“Did you receive a degree in diplomacy?” Meredith asks, her arms crossed on her chest. Her suggestive glare jumps from her to Izzie, like she’s trying to plot out why Cristina brought her here. Maybe she thinks Cristina is trying to help them make up. Maybe. But Yang would never do.

“Meredith, just shut the hell up,” Cristina snaps.

She can’t do petty today. She can’t.

“Oh, why do you suddenly strut around with Izzie?”

Cristina sees Stevens growing more and more uncomfortable with each passing second, and she wants to end it before it becomes worse, but of course, Meredith doesn’t give her a chance to explain herself. That’s how it is with her stupid person when she’s too caught up in her pain and problems, unable to see others.

No.

Meredith is not like this. Meredith is an empathetic and kind person until people push her to her limits, and she must have been going through hell since her behaviour is deteriorating to this point. She’s just hurt, needing someone to hold her and brush her hair softly, but unfortunately, Cristina can’t do this right now, as much as she wants to.

Meredith stares at her for a second, and the sadness blinds the anger for a second and even the next sentence she wants to throw to be cruel sounds rather sombre than hurtful, “Are you sleeping with her, too?”

“Shut up!” Cristina places her hands on her shoulders, shaking her a bit, running out of patience. “Izzie has a tumor. Stage IV metastatic melanoma!”

The silence that comes within her words shakes their entire worlds up.

Notes:

thank you so much for this year<3

find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=fd515394c31e4726

Chapter 67: look into my eyes, it’s where my demons hide

Notes:

hi everyone<3

this is not a regular update and this is not monday, but it's something more.

instead, this week we're celebrating two years of TOHIBST. i can't believe how nineteen-year-old me came up with this mess and managed to create the beginning of such a vast universe, my own queerified version of grey's anatomy. i wish i could kiss her temple and thank her for starting the biggest project i have ever made, i wish she could see us surviving and making it so far, along with having my wonderful readers still on this ride with me.

this story feels like coming home - every time i make a big break in writing it and i return, it feels like i have made it home after a very long journey. right now i'm one of these breaks, but i know in the end, i'll continue TOHIBST. there are so many plotlines, main and side, i haven't explored yet and need to be shared with you.

i get a lot of questions on my instagram (follow me if you haven't yet! @callme_shakesqueer) about how many chapters TOHIBST will be and this answer changes all the time. for now it will definitely be 90 chapters long, but these characters sometimes act up on their own and all i can do is write down their words and actions. maybe it sounds insane, but that's how it is.

thank you so much for sticking to this story for such a long time. i hope 2025 will bring us more regular chapters after my exam season finally ends and i hope you'll enjoy what's to come next.

(also over 100k hits??? are you insane????)

hope you enjoy next part of the angstfest<3

Loud voices echo down the entire floor, even before the door of the elevator opens. It’s abnormally empty in the building as if everybody has run away from the chaos that has taken over the staff members’ lives of the Oceanside Wellness Group.

Addison exchanges worried looks with Mark and Derek, bracing herself for what she’s about to witness. Her Prada high heels echo on the floor as she walks towards the therapy room, with the door left ajar. She knows what will happen before she sees it - they have been here before and she hoped never to relive it.

Maybe it’s like in the horror movies.

The main character instead of running as far as possible from the source of danger, walks towards it without a beat of hesitation. Wants to face it, even with the knowledge it might be their end. To sum it up - acting on something that is the opposite of instinct every animal has.

Derek is the first to enter, immediately stiffening in the doorway, blocking both Addison and Mark behind him. Both of them glance above his shoulder, before shooting each other terrified looks.

A blonde woman is sitting on the couch, with circles under her eyes, and hollow cheeks - as if she’s been going through this hell for weeks, like it has not been lasting for a day or two. Which… If Sam and Naomi kept it a secret for such a long time, then this makes Addison question many things.

But that’s just a passing thought because she’s pulled out of her mind the moment she sees Amelia stand up. It’s clear as a day, her state, with the erratic movements, Her hands are shaking and sweat glistens on her temples, and even from the distance you can see her dilated pupils, a crazed expression on her grey features.

“Amelia. Please,” The blonde woman is softly spoken, keeping her patience straight. “I just want to help you.”

“It’s quite ironic of you, isn’t it, Charlotte?” Her speech is rapid, her tone of voice eerily high.

“Please. You know it won’t ever stop if you don’t try. It’s going to kill you.”

“I don’t mind death,” Amelia snaps, stopping for a moment to stare daggers into her friend, whose name turns out to be Charlotte. “I’ve stayed sober for months and it brought me nothing else than misery.”

“It did not,” Charlotte stands up, towering over the younger of Shepherds, yet trying not to be intimidating. It leads nowhere, making someone else fear you or feel endangered. “What about your family? You saw your brother, you saw Addison. What about your girl in Seattle? You liked her. She made you happy.”

“Lexie made me happy,” A stirring of something that reminiscences a smile begins to creep onto her lips recalling Lexie, but she kills it off instantly. “But I would destroy her. I didn’t deserve her.”

“From what you told me, she loved you.”

“She loved the parts of me I showed her. The good parts.”

“She would have loved you unconditionally if you opened up to her. That’s who Lexie is.”

Both of the women flinch and at once turn to look to the door where Derek’s voice comes from. With arms crossed on his chest, he stares at his sister, reading every single change in her eyes and face, and knows what’s coming before her shock even wears off and turns into spite.

Her jaw drops just a bit, but the monsters inside of her win. She snorts, eyes narrowing in contempt, “Oh, look who showed up here. The golden child, the perfect big brother, come to save the day,” She is sneering, taking a step towards him, Charlotte long-forgotten behind her. Like a wild animal after months of abuse, she bears her teeth, “Where were you when I needed you? When I disappeared without a word?”

“You very well know I tried to contact you,” Derek chooses his words slowly, but it’s clear one more push and he will burst. He is not a man of patience, he is a man of fury when it comes down to it.

“You didn’t try enough.”

“You always shut us out. Even when we do everything to help you,” Derek’s voice becomes darker. “You always come back to this.”

“You don’t understand! You never did!” Amelia shouts, lashing out. “Just shut the hell up!”

One thing they instantly learn about Charlotte is that she attempts to soothe instead of reciprocate the anger. She reaches out to gently hold Amelia’s elbow, “Amelia, please-”

“Are you telling me to shut up? You’re high out of your mind-”

Charlotte glares at Derek, pulling Amelia towards her, and surprisingly, she lets her. Still shaking with wrath, even more at his last words, her face deepens in the scowl.

That’s when Mark pushes forward past Derek, grabbing Shepherd who is about to lunge at his sister. Taller and stronger, at least how he looks as he stands between the two siblings, trying to stop the damage they would do if they kept screaming at each other. He glances at the blonde, nodding slowly, letting her know he is here to ease down the pain instead of igniting it.

“Both of you, just calm down,” Mark speaks slowly as if trying to contain two tigers from pouncing at each other’s throats. Maybe it’s exactly this, maybe he’s in the wilderness and doing his best to save everyone. “This won’t help anyone.”

“You’re here, too,” Amelia says, voice dark but as if… growing softer? There’s still pain and indignation in her tone, visible as ever, but Derek disappearing from her eyes somehow finds a way to make it better. “The good guy. The sexy guy. Just as pathetic as my brother.”

Alright. That didn’t last long.

Amelia is back to her previous state, and she tears away from Charlotte’s gentle hold, getting face to face with Sloan.

“Amelia, sit down,” He asks softly.

“You think you’re going to boss me around? You think-” Amelia laughs maniacally, a sound that makes everyone flinch as she stabs her finger into his chest, craning her neck to look up at him. “You think you’re going to- I’m never going to listen to a guy who slept with his best friend’s wife. Like a whore. But to be fair, she’s a whore, too, so you match together. She’s probably slept with everyone in the hospital when she got back with you, Derek,” She grins at her brother. “And now she’s bedding your mistress! Isn’t that fun?”

Derek inhales sharply, his hands turning into two fists, “Stop talking this way about Addison. She loves you more than the world. She raised you.”

“Didn’t do a good job since I turned out this way.”

Addison takes this as her cue to clear her throat and step forward, ignoring Derek and Mark, just staring at the girl she’s called her sister throughout most of her lifetime. She just stares at her - at the grey skin, thinned out and lifeless, and the broken look, like the Amy she knows is stuck inside, just locked up and tries to send a signal of help through the brown eyes. As if she’s saying please, come find me and save me from this person I’ve become. The tangled and matte hair looks more like a crown of thorns than a halo. The crumpled black clothes, hanging onto her body that has lost too much weight to be healthy. At the bruises on her forearms.

She raised this girl, this woman. And if that’s how it feels to fail at parenting, she is now overwhelmed with petrification at the thought of repeating these mistakes with Ella.

Amelia opens her mouth, probably to throw the next ugly words on the wind.

However, she pauses when Addison comes into her sight. Like a deer in the headlights, she stops moving altogether, doesn’t even close her lips together. You can hear the pin drop.

Then, her eyes slowly travel down Montgomery’s body until they lock at the round stomach, completely visible in the thin fabric of the white sweater tied in the waist.

“Addie,” Amy whispers, pressing her fingers to her lips.

Her eyes widen but not in the madness that has taken over her, neither in the spite which she tried to kill her brother with. It’s the regret. Dripping shame.

One second later, she falls to her knees onto the floor. Her sobs are so loud they seem to shake up the entire room. The four walls close in, and Amelia’s entire small frame shivers, the sobs wrecking her chest. She trembles, curling up in herself - the realisation of what she has done, what she has said comes through. There are poor attempts at speaking again, but she’s choking on her tears and she’s nauseous and fears she’s going to throw up all over the floor.

“Addie, I-I didn’t mean it- I am so sorry. I am so sorry,” She cries out as Charlotte sinks to her knees, pulling her into an embrace. “Addie, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. I just, I- I can’t stop.”

The tone of her voice, the desperation, all of it… It kills Addison inside.

Of course, Amy is forgiven all at once - Addison hasn’t even considered to stay angry at her words. She loves her so much, and she knows deep inside, beneath the monster that has come to life, somewhere there is her Amy, her sister, her beloved girl. All she wants to do is collapse next to her and hold her until it makes her sober.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like this. It never does, no matter what’s the case.

But still, she feels sick to her stomach. She dealt with lost high teenage Amelia. Never with a grown-up cruel Amelia. She’s not ready for this, too out of depth. She’s about to get sick if she doesn’t leave right now.

When she stays still, it’s Mark who moves and kneels on the other side of Amelia.

Derek senses what’s going on right away. He grabs her wrist and pulls her out of the office.

“You can’t deal with things like this right now. You should-” He looks around when Violet comes out of the elevator, clearly confused by the emptiness of the place.

“Addison?” She asks surprised, approaching them. “What are you doing here? Is it Naomi?”

Montgomery nods but feels too exhausted to explain all of it. She just wants to fall asleep and wake up in three months when everything is fixed, but she needs to face some things like the adult she is, “Hi, Violet. Yes, partially yes. Sam called us and we came but… It’s also Derek’s sister.”

“Oh,” Violet nods slowly. “Amelia.”

“Yeah.”

She seems to know more than enough, the way her eyes escape onto the floor.

“Violet, right?” Derek cuts in and waits for the woman to nod. “Violet, could you give Addison a lift to Naomi’s house?” He hands Addison the keys. “Call Richard to find her a place in rehab in Seattle. Somewhere good. But you cannot deal with this right now.”

For the first time in a very long time, Addison lets go. With glistening eyes, she suddenly hugs him, needing to feel another human being’s warmth.

“It’ll be okay,” Derek says, brushing through her long red hair. “She’ll be okay. We’ll save her. We did it once, we can do it again.”

“Yeah,” Addison sniffles. “Yeah, I know.”

---

How come the ocean can look so peaceful while the sky is falling on top of her head?

Addison stands on the back porch, watching people gather their things, getting out of the water while loudly laughing and calling out to each other. The waves have eased down since she saw them on their way to the hospital. It should be a beautiful picturesque scene, the white surf hitting the shore, first pushing the sand further just to pull it back, its strength callous and unstoppable. It should be beautiful, but everything seems to be painted in shades of grey.

“Yes. Yes, I don’t know how to thank you, Richard. I- I don’t know. We don’t know what the cards hold. This might be crucial for her state, but as soon as possible, we’ll be back in Seattle…” Addison leans her elbows on the railing, holding the phone pressed up to her ear. “Yeah. With Amelia. Thank you so much. It means the world.”

Once Webber says his goodbye, she hangs up.

A thought crosses her mind if maybe it would be better to face Amelia’s comedown instead of being stuck here alone, with screams inside her mind.

It’s been so long since…

She thinks about the old scars covering her thighs, line by line, of how it felt to be the one to draw them. The times she used to treat her skin as a canvas, sometimes as punishment, sometimes as a way to escape the pain echoing inside her tired, blue, body. The way her head spun around, wondering if she has gone too far and if there’s going back from that point.

Now, she knows there is.

However, the question is different in her head this time - if she can return into that dark place, too. If she can pick up a blade again and add another brushstroke, finish the painting she has never gotten around to fulfilling.

That’s when Ella decides to make a tiny spin inside her, kicking her. Making her remember where she is and who she is and that she cannot give in to the demons of the past anymore; because this time it’s not only about Addison but someone else as well.

The image of giving birth, showing brand new red scars over the ones that have healed years ago would break her heart forever. To hold her daughter for the first time and have a proof she almost gave up during the pregnancy.

She takes one last look at the ocean and steps back into the house.

It’s like she’s a ghost in a haunted mansion, as she paces around and is hit with memories at each step. Eventually, she lays down in the guest room, still in her clothes because of her suitcase still being left in the Porsche, and when Derek and Mark come home, she pretends to be asleep. She’s not strong, nor brave enough to face the news of the rest of the day.

---

The kitchen is bathed in the soft glow of the Californian morning sun, streaming through the large windows. Outside, the waves crash gently against the shore, and their rhythmic sound could be a soothing melody that brings peace, but today, it all falls on deaf ears. The sky of a brilliant shade of blue is unmarred by clouds, letting the sunshine grace the entire city.

Addison and Mark sit at the kitchen island, and both of them feel this heavy state of suffocation; as if someone sucked out all the air in the house. The scent of freshly brewed coffee lingers in the air, but neither of them reaches for their cups.

Mark’s gaze is fixed on the surface of the table, his hands resting idly in front of him, while Addison’s eyes are set outside the window, as her thoughts fly miles away. The golden sunlight, the soft breeze, the distant calls of seagulls - the usual beauty of mornings like this - goes unnoticed, swallowed by the weight of the paralysing fear and grief drowning them.

They’re brought back down to earth once Derek enters the kitchen, the phone in his hand.

“Sam called me.”

Montgomery and Sloan look at him, the looks in their eyes might as well be each other’s reflection.

“It might be time,” Derek says. “We should go to the hospital.”

When both of the men head to the door, Addison halts in the hallway, unable to take one more step closer to the door. She thinks about her purse that’s by the door and about the phone inside of it and suddenly, she knows what she needs to do before she leaves.

“Can you wait for me in the car?” She asks, and watches both of them nod.

The moment the soft click of the door resounds in the house, she rushes to get her phone and locks herself in the bathroom; just in case Derek or Mark decide to return for something and catch her falling apart. Today is not about her, today is not the day she is going to die, so she will do her best to not bring attention to herself even in the slightest. Today is Naomi’s goodbye.

She chooses the number she used to call all the time, still remembering each figure by figure.

But the longer it rings, the more hope she loses, yet she decides to stay until the end.

Just when she is about to hang up, someone picks up on the other side.

“Hello?”

Tears of relief spring from Addison’s eyes, as she sits down on the toilet seat and lets them stream down her face. She can be strong for so long, and only half a month ago, if she needed a place to let down her defences, it would be her. Only her. Only Meredith.

“Meredith,” She cries, giving up at even pretending she’s alright. “I know you don’t wanna talk to me, or see me, or know me. I know, but- I need you. Naomi is dying and Amelia has relapsed and I couldn’t think of anyone else who would understand but you,” Crying makes her hiccup and shaking waves go through her body. She palms her stomach, stroking it slowly. “I need you so much, Meredith. I can’t do any of this alone.”

“Addison, breathe. Slowly. Breath in, hold it in…” Meredith’s voice feels like coming up for fresh air, like all the suffocated air has flown back into the house. “Breathe out. Breathe in, hold it in… release. Keep it going. Slowly. Focus on my voice and the rhythm of your breathing.”

It takes a good moment for the redhead to catch up on the tempo of inhaling and releasing, but after a couple of minutes, she feels the racing heart slow down and the shivering ceases. The salty tears have dried on her face, and she leans back, straightening her spine, which baby bee seems to appreciate.

A part of her wants to turn on the volume on her phone and let Ella listen to Meredith, too.

“I’m scared to say goodbye,” Addison whispers like the whispering can change fate. “I’m scared to see her go forever. Half a year ago…”

Of course, Meredith reads her mind within a split second, “...We were staying over at her house, I know.”

“How can life change so much within such a short time?”

A beat of utter silence.

Yet it’s not strained, nor heavy. It’s full of acceptance, resignation.

“Listen, Addie,” Addie. She is Addie again. She is Addie again. Meredith said her name like this for the first time in forever. Addie. Addie. Addie. “You need to keep the baby safe. Please, contact Doctor Danvers-”

“I have,” Addison cuts in. “Earlier this morning. I’m supposed to see her when I come to the hospital.”

“That’s good. That’s very good. You need to have the usual check-up. just to be safe,” Meredith’s voice is so soft like it hasn’t been in weeks. All of the anger and bitterness have evaporated like smoke. “This is going to drain both of you.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll have the check-up soon.”

“Okay.”

Addison pushes herself off the toilet with a soft groan, turning the lock on the door, ready to leave, “Okay. I should get going, boys are waiting for me in the car. Thank you. For hearing me out, for everything.”

“It’s the least I could do. I…” Meredith’s voice lingers, making Addison stop dead in her tracks. It feels like they’re right back at the beginning - not in the bad way. Rather in a… A hopeful way, the way beginnings always tend to be. “Take care, Addie. I’m so sorry this happened. You don’t deserve it. Naomi deserves better.”

“Thank you,” Addison sighs and brushes through her hair. “Alright, then. Bye, Mer.”

Once they hang up, she steps into the lovely morning, preparing herself for the ugliness of it.

---

Meredith stuffs her phone into her pocket, entering the patient room once again. So weird, to see their entire gang back together again in the same room, but warmth spreads through her chest. It’s not the circumstances she wanted them all to make up; which, no, she did not hope would happen because it seemed impossible; but still counts for something.

“The gown’s colour isn’t really mine shade,” Izzie says, sitting up on her bed and looking at herself in a small mirror.

Cristina snorts at her, sitting in the foot of her bed.

“Iz, should we dye it for you?” Alex offers, sarcasm dripping from his voice. It seems like he exchanged the weights on his shoulders. Instead of the anger and heaviness of breaking up with Izzie, it’s now substituted with having her back but the cost of it is too big.

“Okay,” Meredith speaks up, cutting into the conversation. “I gotta go. I don’t know when will I get back, but I’ll try to make it quick.” She approaches Izzie and kisses her on the forehead - just in case something happens and she won’t make it on time. “If you resist treatment once again, I’ll kick your ass.” Then, she turns to the other two of her friends. “You two take care of her while I’m gone, okay?”

“Where the hell are you going?” Cristina asks, eyebrows furrowing together.

“I need to…” Meredith sighs but straightens her shoulders. “Something happened. I need to deal with it.”

Just like that, she turns around and leaves the room, heading straight to the Chief’s office. Not all things can wait and certainly not this one. Time to face the demons, even if they’re not hers

Notes:

thank you for reading, i can't wait to hear your thoughts<3

find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=fd515394c31e4726

Chapter 68: call and i'll rush out

Notes:

HIIIIIIIIIIIII

welcome back! i know it's been a while but i took a very needed break to heal my relationship with sharing my writing online and i'm back on track! i'm super excited to be posting regularly again. i feel like this is a perfect time to return to TOHIBST - today is my first day of the second semester at uni:) i passed all my exams on the first attempt and bathed in the victory for almost a month of being a lazy ass. (very deserved imo), but now it's time to get back to work, both academically and here.

remember with each chapter we're getting closer to our endgame fam

hope you enjoy this one<3

The corridor outside Naomi’s room is quiet, in this odd way, where the silence presses down on you, adding to the tension hanging in the air. It almost seems like the bustling hospital, always full of nurses and doctors rushing through it, has paused… Maybe aware of the gravity of the moment. The only thing that can be heard is the soft hum of the ventilation system and the buzz of the fluorescent lights which cast a cold, clinical glow.

Addison, Mark, and Derek stand side by side like soldiers, with unspoken grief on their faces and eyes trained on the closed door ahead.

Outside the building, life goes on, but here it’s only death. You can smell it approaching, closing in from each side, about to place its hands on one of its prey. Here, time is frozen, suspended in the unbearable anticipation of what’s about to come.

Addison's fingers nervously trace the elastic of the knit beige trousers as she straightens her black flowy blouse on top of it. She can see Mark stare blankly on the floor, and Derek’s gaze remains fixed on the door, his jaw clenches tightly.

They’re not waiting only to enter the room. They’re waiting for the moment everybody has said goodbye and the life support machines will be disconnected. There’s nothing else to do here, with no signs of brain function. Only death with dignity left. Letting her go instead of selfishly keeping her alive like that could change anything.

“You can come in for a moment,” Sam says once he appears at the door, teary-eyed, just like his crying daughter whose hand he is holding.

Deciding to be brave, Addison is the first to move, suddenly feeling unattached from the world, like she’s watching herself from above. Even after one day in the hospital, Naomi doesn’t look like herself anymore. Because she is not. Not when the person that used to be inside of her is gone, only the shell of her body staying behind.

Addison sits down on the chair by the bed and gives it a moment of silence interrupted by the footsteps of Mark and Derek following her and taking a stand behind her, along with the beeping of the machines. She takes Naomi’s hand in her two, gently stroking the delicate skin, hoping that suddenly she will open her eyes and look at her with understanding, she will come back because her best friend from med school is here.

If it was that easy…

“You were my best friend since the day I saw you in the anatomy class. Braided long hair, dark lipstick, eyelashes so long they looked fake. Ever since…” Addison wipes away a tear, doing her best for her voice not to quiver. “You made me who I am, who I have grown to be. I know our ways… We drifted apart but when I came to you, asking you to help me become a mom, you were there for me. You were the second person I told. Even if you were sceptic, you went along with it. You just… supported me, nonetheless. And now…” With the hand she has taken away to stop the tears from flowing, she places it on her stomach, feeling the small kick. They keep her going now, the feeling of her baby so alive despite the scene Addison must take part in. “I thought you would meet her. I thought you would visit her on birthdays and we would come on vacation to Los Angeles and now, I get to tell my daughter about you, but it never crossed my mind you wouldn’t get to meet her. I believed you would be one of the first people to fly and see her because you took such an enormous part in helping me make this dream come true. I don’t want to live in a world where you can never get to call her your niece, I don’t want to live in a world where I show her pictures of you and tell her this is her Aunt Naomi. It doesn’t feel right,” She cannot tell at which moment she began crying, but her shoulders are shaking and she sniffles, licking a salty tear on her upper lip. She can hear Mark and Derek cry, too, much quieter. “It was the five of us, twenty years ago. The great med five. All these years… Listen, Naomi, please…”

Addison shuffles closer to the bed, holding her palm back again in two hands and gently bringing it to her face to press a soft kiss on the knuckles.

“Go, if it hurts. You go, if you think it’s too bad. You go and we will let you, but go knowing you were, you are loved. You’ll be loved, forever. Go with that knowledge.”

She holds the lifeless palm to her cheek, wetting it with her tears.

After a minute, she lets go and this might be one of the hardest things she’s ever done in her life.

When Mark leans in to kiss Naomi’s forehead and Derek whispers his goodbyes, she has to stand up and turn away, incapable of watching this.

That’s when Sam and Maya return to the room with the doctors and the process begins, yet the moment they hear the flatline and the time of death is called, Addison’s goddaughter runs out of the room, sobbing.

Instantly, Addison follows her - which is partially selfish, because she just can’t look at all of it - and sits down next to Maya, pulling her into her embrace. She holds the girl as she wails - perhaps this could work. To wail, to howl so loudly that Naomi hears her on her way to the afterlife and decides to turn around and come back. Maybe this piercing noise can be loud enough to bring back people from the dead.

It takes some time for all of them to collect themselves, but eventually, Maya quietens down and they can speak again. Yet it feels like their tongues are heavy and putting whole sentences together is a mission impossible.

“I’ll stay with Maya for a while,” Addison says, blinking new tears away. “I have to go see Doctor Danvers anyways, she can come with me while Sam deals with the documents and arrangements of the…”

The funeral.

“Addison-” Derek stares, clearly not liking the idea of her staying.

“Please. I want to stay and I know you two don’t,” She can see it clearly on their faces they need a break, far away from the ever-lasting smell of death which will follow them for months. She’s okay with staying alone, except for Maya who clings to her. She’s fine with staying in the silence in the empty hallway, dealing with the loss on her own. Not only she’s fine, she needs it. “I’m staying. I’ll call you two later and we’ll meet up.”

They settle on that, parting in two opposite directions. Addison holds Maya’s hand the entire way until she finds her previous OB, but later, she won’t remember a single second of this morning, everything blurs out in the depths of her memory.

---

Neither Mark nor Derek know what to do with themselves the moment they step out of the hospital.

So, they just walk ahead, down the sidewalk without a word said to each other until their legs lead them to the Santa Monica Pier. At noon, the place is a vibrant spectacle of life and energy, such a contrast to the heavy burden they carry. The pier bustles with activity, locals and tourists stroll along the wooden planks, laughing, talking, and soaking in the California sunshine.

The scents mingle in the air - the salty ocean breeze, freshly popped popcorn and sweet cotton candy.

Seagulls call out high above the ground, while here, the children laugh and with the playful tune from the carousel create a beautiful picture, straight out of a happy dream. Everything shines, the Ferris wheel spinning slowly against the deep blue sky, its colourful lights flashing even in the daylight.

In a silent agreement, they pass it all by until they are far away enough for the peals of laughter to be distant, barely an echo reaching their ears.

There’s an empty bench just at the edge of the sand and the pavement - which they choose to rest on. The exhaustion of everything catches up to them once they stop walking, coming crashing down on their heads.

Derek leans his head on Mark’s shoulder, listening to the splash of the water.

Mark’s hands interlace on his stomach, unable to hear the waves because of being so caught up in his mess of thoughts. How…

How does life end so suddenly? You’re in the middle of something and then you’re not anymore. Just like that. And you’ll never be in the middle of something again. You can’t waste time. You can’t wait forever. If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you’re scared it will change your life, forever, never to come back to the previous state. You need to speak up. You need to say it out loud before it’s too late and you can’t be in the middle of something ever again.

“Derek,” He says, surprising himself by the volume of his voice.

“Yeah?”

“Today taught me something. I never thought… One of us could die so soon, so suddenly. It made me realise forever isn’t promised, it’s not given to every each of us,” Sloan sounds like he’s prepared himself, learned his lines to recite them, but in reality, he’s just throwing out words which blossomed deep in his chest right in this moment. “We can die tomorrow for what it’s worth.”

Mark watches the ocean, breathing in the salt air when Derek sits up straight, staring at his profile.

There’s a gentle frown on his expression, “What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to wait any longer. I can’t pretend that Naomi’s death didn’t change our world. Mine world. I can’t wait any longer because one thing happens and then it’s too late.”

“I’m a bit lost here, Mark,” The frown deepens when they look each other in the eyes. Two pairs of blue eyes, that see the world so differently despite sharing the colour; but when it comes down to one fundamental thing they are the same. Their hearts beat the same melody, intertwined for decades, ups and down, throughout it all. “The philosophical talking confuses me.”

“You’re so dense,” Mark shakes his head, snorting but his eyes soften watching that face he has come down to love so deeply. He understands why he’s McDreamy - because his hair falling into place like dominoes makes him fall in love twice as hard. “How the hell did you become a surgeon with a brain this small?” He sighs. “You idiot.”

As Derek’s mouth opens, whatever he wants to say is cut off. Mark crosses the distance between them, crashing into his lips. He kisses him, right there in the sunny noon on Santa Monica beach, with people walking by, whose worlds weren’t fundamentally altered.

It’s a new dawn for the two of them.

Derek finally catches up and kisses his back, his hand clumsily landing on his neck, his thumb caressing the roughness of his jawline. Leaning in, he deepens the kiss, and the entire world disappears, along with the murderous pain in his heart. It’s been so many months since their last rushed kiss from which Shepherd ran like the coward he used to be. So many months and Mark wonders how in the hell he managed to stay alive for such a long time without Derek’s mouth on his.

It’s an experimental kiss, but intuitive, too, with how their lips brush against each other. Mark’s hand tangles into the soft dark hair, their noses hitting each other, making both of them laugh as they break apart.

Their foreheads stay connected for a second before Mark pulls away to look into the striking oceanic blue eyes, “I’m done waiting and acting like you’re not the love of my life. Even if you’ve been an asshole, even if you’re still in the middle of fixing your mistakes.”

Derek’s eyes open widely, eyebrows raising and causing for lines to form on his forehead. It’s an expression of half shock, half amazement.

“I’m the love of your life?” His lips curl into a cheeky smile.

Mark snorts, making Derek laugh out loud, “Oh, c’mon, dude. You’re my better half. Not the better-looking half, mind you.”

Derek shakes his head and can’t stop himself from pulling Mark into another kiss.

Now, when he can do that and nothing is stopping him, all he wants to do is to keep on kissing him. How come loving a man felt so wrong only three months ago? A part of him has been in love with Mark Sloan as long as they have known each other, and a part of him loved Addison, later Meredith, too. His heart, as it appears, has always been this mess of men and women, and right there, on this horrible day they won’t ever forget despite they all want to, he makes peace within this part of himself.

“I love you. I’ve been in love with you for a lifetime.”

“I know,” Mark grins, which makes him stupidly handsome.

They kiss again, smiling into each other’s lips. This is bliss, which they deserve, even if only for a minute or two.

Soon, they shift into their previous position, with Derek’s cheek against Mark’s shoulder. Embracing him, Mark leans his head on top of Shepherd’s. The heaviness is back, but this time they’re a team to fight it.

“I’m worried about Amelia,” Derek says quietly.

“We’ll deal with it together.”

“I’m scared.”

What an achievement to have Derek admit to having moments of weakness. He never used to do that before this, but maybe, his change is going past to what he was before becoming cruel. Maybe he’s already at the end of that road but saw another one which allows him to open up and be real. Be real about feelings and memories. He might be going further into his journey, and as long as he keeps his hand in Mark’s, he has someone to accompany him in this chapter of his life.

“I know.”

They sigh at the same time, falling back into comfortable silence.

---

Two hours later, after Addison is cleared by Doctor Danvers to go on with her day and Sam is done taking care of the sensitive matters, able to take his daughter home safely, she finally arrives back at Naomi’s house.

If it was odd yesterday, today is far worse, to the point she hesitates about just leaving and spending the entire day at the beach. Just to not be surrounded by the mixture of scents making her remember Naomi and the fact that eventually they will all be washed away and nothing will be left to prove she used to be here. Once that smell disappeared…

A haunted house, that’s what it is.

Just as she flops on the couch, the phone she holds in her hand begins to ring. It’s an unknown number, so she pauses before picking it up.

“Hello?”

“Hi. This is Charlotte King, we met at the practice briefly yesterday.”

“Oh. Yes. Yes, Charlotte,” Addison clears her throat, trying not to sound like she’s about to vomit. “I’m Addison.”

“Just wanted to let you know Amelia is alive and safe in my house. I talked with her brother and I know you’re going to take her home to Seattle to the rehab. I can take care of her until that moment.”

“Are you sure?” Addison asks while hoping that Charlotte will truly take care of this. It’s hard to trust anyone else, especially with Amelia’s issues, but Montgomery is nowhere near a place of such strength to deal with high Shepherd. Maybe not even high anymore, but in withdrawals. Either way, she cannot do this, all the while feeling guilty. “I know this is a very difficult situation and it’s overwhelming.”

“Oh, trust me, I know that,” Charlotte sounds like she truly knows what she’s talking about. Maybe from experience. “I’m aware of the weight of this. Amelia is going to be safe with me. You should focus on yourself, as much as it’s possible right now.”

“Thank you so much, Charlotte,” Relief floods her system. “Amelia… She’s like my little sister. I raised her. She means the world to me.”

“She needs to be reminded how much she’s loved. It’s going to be a long recovery. Relapsing… Each relapse makes it ten times harder to recover.”

“I’ll do my best to love her right-”

The doorbell rings sharply, its clear tone slicing through the entire ground floor.

It makes Addison space out of the conversation for a second as she stands up, pushing herself off the cushions.

“I’m so sorry, but I need to answer the door,” She says, voice apologetic. “Please call me if you need anything. I know it can be exhausting. We’re always willing to help you out.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, Addison. We’ll be in contact.”

Just like that, they hang up and Addison wonders why the hell Derek and Mark don’t just walk in. Her hand lands on her lower back, trying to support herself from the backache she has, as her other hand swings the door open and-

A small gasp escapes her lips.

Her gaze fixes on the white button-up, accented by a loose black vest, and the dishevelled blonde hair that speaks of a long journey. Her eyes travel to the silver watch glinting on the right wrist, always in the same place, then to the small brown suitcase resting beside her.

Meredith.

She blinks, waiting for the woman to disappear but she’s still in place, looking up at her with blue kind eyes, reminiscing the ocean with such detail it’s impossible. How come a human being can have eyes so crisp even in the darkest of days?

“You came?” Addison asks, voice full of disbelief and emotion.

Meredith’s face shows a blend of feelings, from resolve and concern into relief, joy to see her and heartbreak to realise what circumstances have brought them together after weeks of cold war. But most of all, there’s determination in her eyes, one which Addison doesn’t truly understand; it doesn’t matter, none of this does, because Mer is in front of her and she came back, and some part of her, knew that she would come back to her. Doesn’t matter if it sticks or not. Meredith is here.

“You called.”

Notes:

thank you so much for reading<3

find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=fd515394c31e4726

Chapter 69: i love you, i'm sorry

Notes:

hi!!!

thank you so much for the support and warm greeting you gave me after this long break❤️ i’m so happy to see you waited for me:)

now we FINALLY get some meddison content (plus a cute sapphic scene at the end but im not spoiling it)

hope you’ll enjoy this one:)

“You came?”

“You called.”

“Oh, Meredith,” Addison exhales deeply, trying to be strong, but just the sight of the blonde, the concern and nervousness on her breath-taking features, and being just one step away break her in half. She bursts into tears, choking on air, and falls into Meredith’s arms. They are so familiar and warm, and she catches her. Always - like it used to be mere weeks ago. She catches her, and it doesn’t even cross Addison’s mind that it could go a different route.

This feeling…

It’s like the tides of the ocean carried her to the shore and she gets to stop swimming. She gets to lay down on the wet sand, collapsing numbly but feeling the ground underneath her feet, she gets to fall apart in the face of death being three steps away. The water delivers her straight into Meredith’s presence and all she wants to do is dive deeper, but not into the dark waters but into the sunshine Grey brings into her life. A light in the dark tunnel.

Meredith crossed almost a thousand miles just to get to her.

“I’m here,” Meredith whispers, letting Addison cling onto her and hugging her equally hard, as close as physically possible. Brushing through the long red strands, they rock side to side in this soul-crushing embrace. “I’m here. It’s going to be okay.”

“No. It’s not,” Addison cries. “It’s not.”

A soft sigh escapes her lips before agreeing quietly, “Yeah. It’s not. But you’re not alone. I’m here, Addie. I got you.”

Addison’s sobs never falter, her entire body shaking with grief that seems like a Tsunami wave about to drown her. And Meredith is her only way to survive this.

“Maybe we’ll go inside, hm?” Meredith hums, still holding Addison, letting her be the one to finally untangle herself from the hug when she feels ready.

No vocal answer comes from Addison and she burrows her nose in the soft material of the vest, not caring she must be marking it with mascara and snot. There is this fear deep inside her bones that if she steps away, Meredith will turn out just a creation of her mind desperately needing comfort and someone to hold onto.

Finally, some courage flows into her veins and she nods, stepping back and wiping her tears away.

Meredith’s crisp eyes are overflowing with sympathy and she moves only once Addison enters the house. She follows, leaving the suitcase by the door in the hallway, before following Montgomery down to the living room.

They sit side by side on the couch, knees touching and without a beat of hesitation, Meredith takes Addison’s icy-cold hands into hers, trying to warm them up. She doesn’t flinch when Addie’s fingers tightly enfold her palms, almost painfully. She’s dealt with worse, and the redhead dealt with worse when it comes to Meredith, so all Mer can do right now is hope she’ll give as much support as she always got.

The shaking of her hands increases as she begins to tell Meredith everything that has happened in the past two days, of saying goodbye to Naomi Bennett. Every heartbreaking detail, all of it just fleeting her mouth, because the relief of having Meredith Grey here to listen and to hold her and to let her fall apart has taken over and she cannot shut her mouth. She keeps crying as she speaks, and hiccups and every time that happens, Mer’s thumbs gently massage the skin of her hands.

It’s horrible, sickening to the bone, but she finally gets to break.

She finally has Meredith, her Meredith, and she doesn’t even pay attention to their past and how she was treated, it doesn’t matter. Not when she lost her best friend mere hours ago and has another one sitting in front of her, returning to her.

Some part of her knew Meredith would come back. Even if it’s only for the next several days in Los Angeles. Feels like a fever dream. Because those voices in the back of the head, hushed and mean, tell her this scene doesn’t exist… How could it be real to hold Meredith’s hand and don’t remember the last time she was kissed? It hits her, suddenly. She knows they kissed in New York but can’t remember it, how it felt.

Although, she doesn’t have the luxury of focusing on it; worse things are happening in her life at the moment.

“I’m so sorry, Addie,” Meredith squeezes her hands; she can’t imagine how Addison must be feeling. She’s tasted loss before, but this seems as heavy as it gets and wishes she could take up all this pain and put it on herself. “I’m so sorry. Naomi didn’t deserve to die this way, all of you don’t deserve to go through this. Just come here. I’m sorry.”

She might be apologising not only for this.

In the end, they find their limbs tangled, hearts close by. Meredith lies on her back, with her head nestled against the armrest; it hurts her neck a bit but she won’t dare to even move as long as Addison is warm against her, heavy on her body in the most comforting way it could ever be. Her legs are slightly parted and bent, to create a safe space for Addison to settle between them, whose head rests gently on Meredith’s chest. She’s counting the rise and fall of her breath, listening to the movement working like a lullaby.

She never wants to leave, not when Meredith’s arms are wrapped around her waist, one of her hands settled on her round stomach, waiting to feel the small kicks. This might be the closest two people can be together, she thinks because they’ve held each other before, but this seems… The distance and time they’ve been apart make the reunion so bittersweet, and all Mer can hope is that her touch might be healing and might offer silent consolation.

Addison is surrounded by Meredith;s grace from each angle. Her touch, her scent, her soft breathing.

“There’s more. To what happened,” Addison whispers.

Clearing her throat, as it’s still raspy from all the crying, she proceeds to tell the part about Amelia, feeling Meredith stiffen underneath her with each spoken word.

“I called Richard. He’s going to get her a spot at the best rehab in Seattle. She’s coming home with us.”

“Everything’s… This is so screwed up. All of it. Everything’s wrong.”

As bad as it is to admit, Addison feels the same way. But she senses an undertone in Mer’s voice, hinting at something she doesn't yet know.

“Do I not know about something?” She asks, but her voice is so quiet and soft that makes the question far from accusing and rather confused.

“Lexie,” Meredith sighs and falls quiet for a second, and she speaks up once one of her arms leaves Addie’s waist and begins to play with her hair, brushing through it, which causes all of the redhead’s muscles to relax. “And Cristina. They have been sleeping together for God knows how long. I found out when I walked in on them. It was…a sight, let’s say, I might have overreacted.”

She had a temper tantrum in front of the entire hospital. Yeah, you can call it an overreaction.

“Cristina and Lexie?” Addison says in deep disbelief and would gasp if she had any force left in her body.

It feels good to focus on something else than your grief.

“Yes!” Meredith’s enthusiasm shows a bit too much when someone finally understands how that secret moved her. “I was shocked, too!”

“Oh, this is about to get messy,” Addison murmurs.

Meredith snorts, “It’s messy already.”

“Yeah, but with Amelia returning to Seattle… We want to keep her there even after she gets out of rehab. They won’t take care of her in New York City, as much as it pains me to admit, and she can’t be left to her own devices, because we let her once and looked where it made us end up.”

“She’s staying?” There’s clear dislike in Mer’s voice but Addison ignores it.

“Yes, she is. She’s my sister, Meredith,” Addison says. “And she needs help. Even if that means… problems.”

“Okay, so… It’s not like Cristina and Lexie are in love. It won’t be some dramatic love triangle, even if I let Lexie get back with Amelia - and I won’t - Cristina won’t be an obstacle here.”

Amusing to see Meredith ‘I don’t have a sister’ Grey becomes the most overprotective older sister this world has ever seen. It’s clear if she could she would lock Lexie in a room and keep her safe from any pain of this world. In sisterhood, you don’t always follow any sensibility and reasons, not when their pain is yours, and with each blow they get it hits you ten times harder to see them trip and fall. Sisterhood might be one of the strongest connections in this universe and every parallel one, too. So, don’t blame Meredith for that. She doesn’t care in the slightest; if hiding Lexie from the world will stop the heartache, she is willing to do that every single day.

“Have it ever crossed your mind they might have feelings for each other?”

Oh.

Well, that…

Somehow the question awakens something in both of them, unspoken for a long time. They’re talking about everything but not their own issues, which hang over their heads like stormy clouds.

“No. I know they don’t. They’ll just get over it and move on.”

The silence is heavy, and if only Addison had the power to argue and fight, she would stand up and do it. On any other day, she would pull out every argument possible to prove that Cristina and Lexie might, in fact, have developed feelings, because it’s one in a million for people to get so intimate and not fall in love. Yeah, Mark and Callie are an exception, but they are best friends and love each other dearly. You cannot kiss someone, hold someone, make love to someone even when you call it fucking and not grow into that love.

“If you say so,” She says instead, not able to talk about love out of all things.

That’s when the creaking of the front door opening pulls them out of the conversation. Both of them sit up, Meredith assisting Addison when her stomach halts her halfway, and before the boys enter the living room, they sit a foot apart from each other; the first time they’re hiding their affection, after half a year of always touching, always together even if all of their friends watched it.

Something has changed on Mark and Derek’s faces - something is glowing beneath the weight of the loss.

“Big Grey!” Mark says, exclaiming and eyes widening. “Jumpscare! Did you teleport here?”

“Yeah, I did,” Meredith smiles weakly and stands up to hug him, then kiss him on the cheek. “I’ve heard the news. I’m sorry.”

“Thanks, Grey,” Mark reciprocates with a sad smile and then drops onto the couch next to Addison. “It is what it is.”

“And what it is is shitty,” Derek finishes the sentence and steps into Meredith’s open arms. “Hey, Meredith.”

“Hi. I’m so sorry,” She squeezes him, suddenly remembering how it felt to be in his arms for such a long time. It did feel wrong, but also like home; you cannot ignore that when you spend so much time with someone. They’re different people now, for the better.

“Thank you.”

Addison takes this as her cue to stand up, groaning, “I need to walk around. She doesn’t like to sit in place for too long.”

“Maybe you could help me out in the kitchen?” Derek proposes, pointing behind his back towards the hallway that leads to the kitchen.

She nods, and follows him, stepping away from the loud conversation Meredith and Mark find themselves in. Despite she has just entered the third semester, she already feels much heavier; it’s not about her issues with food which has gotten just slightly better, but it’s rather about the sense of balance, of the affected centre of gravity. She tries not to blame it on anything, especially on aneamia, but a thought crosses her mind from time to time that she is failing her baby.

Which, to be frank, is a pile of bullshit. She is not failing Ella. She is doing everything for her, she loves her so much that she is afraid of the love that will appear when she gets to hold her for the first time. She is not failing anything or anyone.

Derek lines up with her pace and only once they enter the kitchen he speeds up to search through cupboards, “I was thinking about making a toast. For Naomi.”

“That sounds good. We’re in her house, too. Seems right,” Addison nods and sits on the stool by the kitchen island, watching Derek look for a bottle of wine and tall glasses. There are so many places to search through. So of course, Shepherd has to fill the time with conversation.

She doesn’t mind until she understands what’s going to be the topic.

“So. Meredith came,” Derek speaks quietly enough to not let the words reach the living room. “I told you she would come around.”

It feels bad to watch him circle the kitchen, so she takes some pity on him and opens the bottom shelf on the side of the island, pulling out three glasses, “Oh, I’m not so sure about that, Derek. I feel like this is a surge.”

“A surge?”

“Yes,” Addison sits back in her previous place and Derek halts the search for the wine, stopping on the other side of the surface, leaning onto it with his elbows, listening to each word. “It’s… a sudden return of… some kind of mental clarity, of her and me back together, and it’s just a trick of mind. We’re about to die here, completely, after returning from Los Angeles.”

Despite trying her best not to let it affect her, tears begin to collect in the corners of her eyes.

“Addie,” Derek reaches out to take her hand in his. “She loves you. She’s still… She’s in love with you, more than ever she was with anybody else. I know she made mistakes and might still be making them. But she came, without hesitating because you needed her. She’s here. This is not a surge.”

“I think it is. But it’s fine,” She blinks the tears away, putting on a fake smile. “I need her right now and she knows that. We’re as fine as a person can be in these circumstances.”

How far have they come, Addison wonders when he circles the kitchen island and pulls her into a sideway hug. She leans against him and can’t believe this is the same man she divorced, the same man she wanted to kill with her bare hands, the same man she cheated on and he cheated on her.

It makes her think…

Everything can change. You cannot lose hope for the good things to come. Perhaps it’s truly not a surge, maybe Meredith will truly stick around this time and explain things when the peaceful times come, with no funerals and death.

“We just have to survive this.”

Addison remembers about the time at the hospital and realises she needs to say another sentence that gets stuck in her throat. She opens her mouth twice, but he waits patiently and finally,
it leaves her lips, “The funeral is tomorrow. One p.m.”

“Oh,” These sad eyes, are undoubtedly the reason McDreamy name was come up with. “Okay. We’ll handle it.”

“Yes. We have to,” Addison stands up, turning around. “Let’s join them.”

---

Three glasses in, Mark and Derek dance at the edge of tipsy and more, their shoulders brushing, both of them sitting on the carpet; their stretched-out legs disappearing under the coffee table.

Meredith feels already intoxicated after half a glass she drunk throughout three hours as they sat here, watching the TV with emptiness in their heads. It’s been four months of sobriety, not one by choice but rather by the responsibility of the circumstances. Despite the medicine she keeps taking, regardless of the past two weeks testing her hard enough to doubt they are working at all, she decided this was the right moment to drink. Even if it’s just a drop of alcohol in comparison to what she used to take every single day.

Her arm brushes against Addison’s leg that’s casually draped over the edge, while the other one stays folded beneath her bum. It’s the familiarity of their quiet proximity, of guarding Addison at her feet which makes her stay put; helps her not to drown more in the alcohol

If it was tequila, that would be harder. But it’s not. It’s just red wine.

She misses the treacherous arms of tequila, even if it did more bad than good. Tequila stopped tasting good the night she came home and George entered her bedroom. From that point on… almost tasteless even if it burned down her throat.

“It’s been a long day,” Mark sighs, finishing his glass.

“Yeah,” Addison’s weary voice is a mere murmur. “It was.”

Meredith looks up behind her to take a peek, her expression sinking when she sees the exhaustion all over Addison’s features. It appears like even holding her stomach doesn’t help with the running thoughts. It’s late and dark outside, and you can feel Naomi’s spirit in every place where the shadows dance and it takes one more look - at Derek and Mark pressed up together in sadness - to make the decision.

“We should call it a night,” Meredith says.

That awakens Derek from the haze, “Meredith is right. We should take some time to rest. Recover.”

“Yes,” Addison nods slowly. “Agreed.”

While Addison showers upstairs and Mark showers downstairs, Meredith and Derek sit in silence until he can go into the bathroom. She ends up being the last one to shower, and by the time she’s out, fresh and cooled down by the water, the lights are out everywhere. Almost.

She creeps into the living room on her way to the stairs, and sees a small lamp in the corner still on, showing her a stream of light leading to the couch.

For a second, she pauses and stares, her heart melting.

Two silhouettes are tucked on the couch, holding each other tightly so as not to fall off. Mark’s strong arms embrace Derek’s middle to keep him from rolling onto the floor, his chest flushed against Derek’s back. It’s the rarest display of vulnerability, as their breathing is slowed and synchronised. The entire room is still, with the night hanging tender and heartbreaking over them.

She sneaks on her tiptoes, turning off the light. Suddenly, she’s covered in darkness and can’t see three feet ahead. When she trips over the first step, it’s a miracle she doesn’t awaken the entire house, but with a flash of luck, she manages to climb the stairs.

As she passes by the guest bedroom, she can’t help herself but peek inside, through the left ajar door.

Moonlight pools through the window with the curtains left open, casting a cold weak glow on the mattress and the shape of a person rolled up in the sheets. She can barely see the hair scattered all over the pillow, legs entangled between the covers. She tries to blink to see more clearly, but her eyes are too tired, everything blurring.

“Sleep with me?”

A small weak voice fills up the room.

Meredith halts halfway through just when she’s taken a step back to leave. How come Addison always knows where she is? Even here, she could read her presence with the silent movements and quietened breathing. She always knows.

Like their hearts are connected in a way… like a golden string of fate. Intertwining their fingers, letting them know where the other is, how close by or how far. It seems they can pull onto this magical string, they can try to cut it, but it always bounces back. It never breaks. Gold all over them, never breaking.

She was planning to sleep in Maya’s twin-sized bed. Not joining Addison because she is too embarrassed to look into her face for too long. It was hard to talk about her faults at therapy, but facing Addie, the woman she might have failed all the way, is an utter humiliation. The shame comes in hot ripples, that make her revolted.

But she has to start somewhere.

Coming to Los Angeles was an attempt, now it’s time to take on this new beginning. It’s time to fix things with Addison.

“Yes,” Mer whispers, soundlessly slipping through the door. “Yes, of course.”

Ignoring the racing pace of her heart which hums in her ears, she slips underneath the sheets, climbing over Addison to spoon her. Just like they used to do every other night, each night they spent together. Like they’re back to the start, old days staying at Naomi’s house before the intern test, before Susan’s death. Back to the start when she is back in her arms.

Once Meredith feels the stretched skin beneath her hand, as she embraces Addison, her heart eases down at once. She waits to be told to stop, but Addison’s breath evens and synchs with hers, so she takes it as a sign. Her fingers gently caress the exposed skin of her round belly, trailing shapes on it.

“Addie, I wanted to…”

Addison’s vanilla and earthly scent reaches her nostrils and she breathes it in like an addict. Without an ounce of thinking it through, she leans into the mess of red hair to inhale it; get high off it. The strands tickle her nose but she doesn’t shift back.

This is her home.

The realisation comes through and hits her like a brick.

She understands at once it’s not an option to try to fix things. She has to fix them.

“Not tonight, Meredith,” Addison says with her voice broken and empty. “Not now. I don’t want to talk about us, about the past or what we had. We can go back to strangers or whatever you want after the funeral. But have mercy on me, Mer. If you ever loved me, just do this for me. For our- for the baby you still must love. I know you love her, at least her, so do it for Ella.”

The world stops turning and something shatters inside Meredith’s chest.

Not a single word leaves her lips because if she tried to speak up, she would burst into tears, uncontrollably. So, she stays silent until Addison falls asleep in her arms, unconscious of the war that has taken over Meredith.

“I do love you,” She leans onto her elbow so she can press a soft kiss on Addison’s cheek, nuzzling her nose into the crook of her neck. “I’ve been in love with you forever. I know I screwed it up. But I love you more- I need you more than oxygen to breathe.”

No answer, of course, there’s no answer. Even if Addison was awake, Meredith wouldn’t deserve it.

She lies down, sinking into the feeling and peaceful escape. Just as her eyes close, another pair opens wide awake, shining and green in the night.

---

Oliver is still in a light coma, drifting between dreams and reality.

Alex stares at the kid tucked into the hospital bed, sitting on one of the chairs by the wall. With his elbows on his lap, he gazes at the clock from time to time when Doctor Robbins comes in.

He takes it as his cue to share his annoyance and anger.

“I don’t get it. The kid has just gone through a massive surgery and they’re not waiting for him, counting seconds to see him again.”

“Not every parent has the same way of thinking. Maybe they’re scared to know what are the results,” Arizona voices softly, standing at the end of the bed, smiling at the peaceful expression on their patient’s face. “Maybe they can’t face it immediately. You never know what’s happening on the inside. The problem begins if they don’t arrive at all,” She sounds like she’s speaking from tough experience, and Alex can sense it must have taken all of these cases for her to become so kind. You cannot go into the bad thoughts every time shit goes down in Peds, because it goes down every single day. “That’s where we should begin to draw the line and… not judge, but perhaps teach the parents about the priorities when it comes to the responsibility of having a child.”

Karev shakes his head, “Yeah, sure, Doctor Robbins. I’m going to take it easy on total idiots who abandoned their kid in a hella important moment.”

Arizona finally looks at him, tilting her head, “You’ve been so angry today.”

“You would be, too, if you had the day I had.”

“Is this about Izzie Stevens?”

The hospital is buzzing with news. Not a surprise, because it’s Seattle Grace after all. There’s barely any secrecy here.

“Of course, it’s about Izzie,” All at once, all the life evaporates from him, so Arizona sits on the chair next to him. “I broke up with her right before- She might have even known then about it. About the tumor. She did some fucked up things, but… She might die now. She might die and I love her anyhow.”

Arizona stares at him with wonder and dripping sorrow at the same time. The clear look in her blue eyes deepens when a realisation dawns on her.

“So you’re going to let her come back to you?” She asks, voice moderate and gentle - always, gentle.

“I’ll come back to her. It’s love or something, and even if I’m not the best at it,” Alex shrugs, looking up at her on his right. “Hell, I don’t know anything about it. But it’s kinda, like, time is going to run out eventually. She might be gone in a month, might be not. I don’t want to play God and dictate to her the conditions she has reach to have me back. I think this ain’t what being together is about.”

“Yes,” Robbins nods slowly, slowly removing herself from the outside and folding inside, thinking, pacing in the walls of her mind. Everything is so…plain, so transparent now. How could she be this blind? “Yes, you are right, Karev. Would you mind waiting for the parents alone?” She springs to her feet.

“Well, yeah, sure,” Alex’s eyebrows furrow together, which gives him this daunting look that’s supposed to keep people out of his personal space. “What’s up?”

“Do you know where Doctor Calliope Torres might be right now?”

---

If she was taking part in a marathon right now, Arizona Robbins would be the first at the finish line.

Back in her normal clothes, which she changed into within a minute, she is out into the cool and damp evening in Seattle and doesn’t even bother to take her car. Instead, she rushes down the streets to Emerald City Bar, tripping twice and drenching her shoe in a big puddle, barely registering it happened. She should have taken her roller skate shoes, shouldn’t she?

She ignores a car honking at her when she jumps into the street.

God knows why she’s running this fast. Callie should be there no matter if she arrives in a minute or five. Somehow Alex’s words have eaten at her this badly, that she fears if she waits one second too long, they’re both gonna be dead and she never gets to tell Callie that she loves her, despite the short time they spent together.

Arizona has never felt so deeply and so quickly. So, when she ran…

What the hell has she been thinking? To lose a woman she loves because of her pride and insecurities?

So caught up, she doesn’t look up for one moment too long and crashes into the stranger instead. They curse in a different language, in an intimidating manner, and she would recognise this voice everywhere.

“Callie!” Arizona exclaims, out of breath, staring at the woman drinking outside the bar. “I’ve been looking for you.”

With a drink in her hand, Callie’s eyes light up in surprise, and she almost drops it.

“I’ve been, too, if I have to be honest.”

This is her moment, maybe not to shine but to do her best to get Callie Torres back and prove to her she won’t ever decide like this on a whim. You rarely get a second chance, but she has to check if the door is closed forever, she can’t just give up without knocking again, the way she did when she kissed Callie in the bar restroom that first night. She can even pound on the door if she has to.

But just when she opens her mouth, she is cut off all at once.

“You gotta hear me out, okay?” Callie says, spitting the words so quickly it’s hard to put them apart. “Two minutes to get off your high horse and actually listen to what I say. Two minutes. You were right. Halfway. I was, I am over Erica. I just wasn’t over the situation, if it makes sense.”

“Callie-”

The look inside her beautiful chocolate eyes is almost pleading, as Callie’s voice caves into desperation, “Please, just listen. I don’t care about Erica. I don’t love Erica. I care about you, Arizona. I love you, Arizona. Not her. You. And I’m here, I’m right here. I’m not going to run away, you’re not going to again, too,” Her voice is quivering, and she seems to have prepared this speech a long time ago, and learned it by heart. Yet, it’s still so genuine, and the words flow from the depths of her heart. “I want us to fight for this, for who we’ll become when we’re together. You’re the realest thing to me, out of all places I have ever been to.”

“Callie!” Arizona raises her voice, not thinking of any other way to come through to Torres. Her eyes are filled with tears, her voice wavers, and she doesn’t recognise herself. She’s always so composed, able to remain put in every scenario, yet having Calliope confess her love like this breaks something inside her.

In the best way. She feels alive, feels every drop of blood being pumped into her veins, feels her heart trying to get out of her chest, and everything is on fire and Callie is the only one to save her now.

Callie stops, lips parted and fear rising in her eyes, in a hesitation. She’s shocked by the outburst.

“I don’t need two minutes. Or even one. I don’t need to be convinced. I made a mistake, Callie, one of massive proportions. I shouldn’t have walked out the way I did,” Arizona tries to blink away the tears, but her sight keeps on getting blurry. Nothing else exists to her, not when Calliope is within a handreach. “My self-consciousness, and fear, pushed me away, but Callie, I love you. I want to come back to you. Let me come back. I want to be with you, no matter what.”

One moment, the sky is clear, and the other rain comes pouring down on their heads, in such severity, that it’s almost like the clouds themselves have covered the world. The raindrops are heavy and cold, but even that doesn’t break the momentary, unbreakable connection.

All the smokers rush inside the bar, but the two of them stay on the street, caught up in each other and nothing else.

Callie’s shoulders untense and every feature on her face softens, “You do? You mean it?”

Arizona takes a step closer. Not much, but it says enough. She cups Callie’s face with her hands, one of her thumbs caressing her cheek, “I do. I’m here. I’m not leaving again. I’m yours. Calliope. I’m all in.”

In the last moment, Arizona remembers Callie’s drink; she takes it out of her hand instantly and settles it on the ground as they laugh together. But once all four of their hands are free, they grasp onto each other, pulling tightly to get as close as humanly possible. Their lips close the gap between them, with the rain running from their temples down. Even if it drenches them, nothing can stop the desperation of the kiss after imagining it to happen for such a long time.

It’s just them against this city.

If this could be fixed… Then everything can be. There’s hope for everything, for everyone. Everyone.

Notes:

i’m eternally grateful for every comment and kudos🫶

find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=fd515394c31e4726

Chapter 70: look at how my tears ricochet

Notes:

hi everyone!!

i know i'm late this week, but I had this big presentation coming up and that i have just shown and got the highest grade so i'm pretty happy about it. academic responsibilities had to come first...

this one is pretty sad and depressing but we need the sadness before we get the happiness - my golden rule.

thank you for being patient with me:) i hope you enjoy this one!

There are many things you’re not ready for in your life. You’re not ready for your first kiss, scared of being inexperienced. You’re not ready for the first breakup, you’re not ready for losing friends, you’re not ready for what is thrown onto your path against you. It’s terrifying, even getting the first bad grade, and coming home having to tell your parents what happened, knowing it might carry consequences your eight-year-old self hasn’t gone through yet. You’re not ready when you’re sent off for your first summer camp and cry half of the first week, homesick. You’re not ready for your engagement but you say yes anyway, and you’re not ready to walk down the aisle, staring at the person at the end of the line, awaiting you. You’re not ready when your first mental health crisis arises and you doubt you will ever make it out on the other side, but you do. You’re not ready to see your parents divorce; to see your siblings cry, to lose things even if it means you gain things, too.

You’re not ready for all of these, but once they happen, you realise you have been ready your entire life.

However…

Seeing your best friend’s coffin being lowered into the ground is something you won’t ever be ready for, even after it happens.

This mark won’t ever go away, and if it happens again, you won’t be ready for the second time, too. Even at the tenth time, you won’t be prepared. Never.

The wake is a hell that’s already blurring in Addison’s mind, her brain protecting her from the memories that will eventually return and haunt her in the middle of the night. Throughout the hurricane in her mind, there’s one image that never goes away - Naomi’s still body in the open casket.

She feels the gentle squeeze Meredith gives her, their fingers clasped.

It seems like the sun is being cynical with how bright it shines onto their black clothes. Digging needles into the bleeding heart is how the Californian weather tries to wear down the people gathered in the cemetery. Every minute by the open grave is taking up the rest of the strength of everyone gathered.

Finally, people begin to leave. When Violet and Pete pass them by, both of them squeeze Addison’s shoulder in a comforting manner, and just like that, they’re gone. She cannot blame them - she also wants to get out of here as soon as possible, but her feet are like weights, metaphorical burdens, and no power in the world can help her raise them and step back.

Maya keeps crying just three feet away, in Sam’s fatherly embrace, her sobbing filling the air with desperate cries, the sound combining with the birds singing. But nothing can soothe this pain, it never ends until your last day on this planet.

“I can’t,” Derek utters on Addison’s left, voice hoarse. “I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t.”

He frees his hand from Mark’s fingers and sniffles, quickly walking away. He doesn’t have the guts to look anyone in the face.

“I’ll go get him,” Mark says, looking at the women; there is a straight streak of one single tear down his cheek. “We’ll be in the car.”

Addison and Meredith stay.

Wherever she goes, Meredith will follow. And if she wants to stay frozen here, in the moment of lasting pain that would take a miracle to wash away, then let it be.

Montgomery is like a statue unmoved, ignoring even the kicking inside her stomach. Five minutes pass, and she stares ahead, into nothingness; after a moment, it even becomes alarming to Meredith Grey. She might be dark and twisty, but there are times when she’s beaten to it.

“Addie?”

“I’m not ready,” Her voice attempts to be strong, but instead, it’s dripping with sadness, as the entire world’s rain has gathered in her voice.

“Okay.”

They lose track of time, and the silence lingers for a long time before Addison murmurs, “She never got to meet her.”

Meredith flinches, after getting suddenly pulled out of inside her head while staring at the grave, “Who?”

Addison sniffles and licks a salty tear above her upper lip, breathing out shakily, “Ella.”

Oh.

You’re never ready for your best friend to die before they get to meet your children. And it’s never going to be okay.

“I know. I know,” Meredith braves herself to look at Addison for the first time since the funeral started and watches another tear run down her pale cheek. The devastation is written all over her features and it is uncomfortable to be here and to deal with it. But this is what their… their friendship is about. Sit together through the discomfort. “I know.”

There are no words to console pain like this.

“Maybe we should go?” She offers, hoping this time it might work.

“Yeah,” Addison nods, cleaning her face from mascara marks, the words finally coming through her brain. “I’ll just go say goodbye.”

It’s tearful, both for the involved and for being the watcher of the scene. Addison approaches Sam and Maya, holding her goddaughter tightly. Her throat feels thick, just seeing them hug. No matter how many deaths she witnesses, it never gets easier.

Once they’re back in the car, Derek starts the engine. Nobody speaks up until Derek takes a sharp turn in the route that’s the opposite way to Naomi’s house. They all raise their eyebrows but it’s Mark who is the first to speak up.

“Where are we going?”

“Charlotte’s place.”

Meredith looks around, looking for an answer, “Who’s Charlotte?”

“Amelia’s friend,” Derek says. “We’re taking Amelia home with us.”

---

Somehow in Izzie’s room, the smell of the hospital seems to multiply, becoming intense and severe. Antiseptics, plastic, rubber gloves. Even the machines appear to be louder. The bouquets spread all over the room don’t kill out half of the scents, the TV playing in the background cannot overwin the beeping.

But perhaps that’s just because of how much time they spend in this one room.

Cristina’s legs are dangling off the bed, as she slouches over the stack of charts in her lap. Paging through, she mostly looks disgusted and crosses off the line by line, fixing her interns’ work.

Busy browsing through the stacks and baskets of chocolate and sweets, Lexie doesn’t notice Miranda come into the room until she hears her voice behind her back. She stuffs her mouth with the chocolate she’s holding, picking up all the ‘get well’ cards that she scattered all over the floor when she meets the surgeon’s tough stare.

Bailey eyes all of them, “The CT scans came.”

Izzie looks up from a wedding magazine she’s been flipping through, “It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“It’s nothing we cannot fight off,” Bailey speaks, her voice firm and strong. “The changes are small and we can start treatment once we do a biopsy. For the confirmation.”

“Doctor Bailey, don’t go soft on me,” Izzie tilts her head, voice far from weak and rather accepting. But accepting the negative assumptions means losing. And they’re not here to lose. “Tell me the truth.”

“I am telling you the truth, Stevens. Is this case challenging? Yes. Is this case hopeless? No. Nothing is ever hopeless, even in the worst of prognosis. So, I am not soft. I am never soft, I never lie. I don’t give up either. If you let one small bad thought of failure slip in, it’s going to infect everything. Letting that happen is already losing. You can never let it spread.”

Three pairs of widened eyes stare at her. When Miranda Bailey gives her energy into teaching them an important lesson, everyone listens. Nobody ever takes their eyes off it.

“Spread,” Izzie hums with a wicked smile. “Like my tumour.”

“Stevens.”

“Fine! Fine, okay,” She raises her hand in a pacific gesture. “Let’s do the biopsy.”

“Watch out for her,” Bailey points at the blonde, looking at Yang and Little Grey. “I don’t want to hear a word about dying.”

“Yes, Doctor Bailey,” Cristina says, nodding slowly.

Once Miranda leaves the room, Lexie picks up on her sweets and jumps onto the mattress on the opposite side of Cristina. She unpacks the Reese’s butter cups and chews on them, taking a peek at the open charts.

“Hey! Don’t fix mine! I did mine perfectly,” Lexie calls out with her mouth full of sweet treats, outraged. “There’s nothing to fix here. They’re all written by the textbook example.”

“I just like the red pen all over your notes, Three.”

“This is just mean.”

Cristina glances at her, doing her best job not to let a satisfied smile slip onto her lips, but when she meets the chocolate eyes staring straight into hers, just a mirror image, it’s impossible to stop it.

That’s the thing that amazes her about Lexie Grey - how she can see herself clearer than anywhere else when she sees her reflection in those sparkling eyes. Next to her, it’s clearer who she is, who she is not, and who she wants to be. No one ever helped her see everything without any distractions. Just the mirror in the espresso brown colour, golden slivers shining through, and the person she truly is.

“I can’t disagree. Look at this,” Cristina snorts, not being able to stop when she takes her eyes away and draws a long red line over one of the sentences, one that’s perfectly fine, and then rewrites it word by word above. “Oops.”

“You know what?” Lexie rolls up the Reese’s wrap into a ball and throws it onto the charts. “I’m gonna change my resident.”

“Don’t do me dirty like this, Alexandra. You wound me.”

The sarcasm is dripping down her voice and they look each other in the eyes again, so close their noses could brush together if they only lean in a bit towards each other.

They don’t see Izzie’s unblinking eyes jumping from one to the other as they carry on their conversation, watching them like it’s a volleyball match on the TV. With each word that falls from their mouths, the bigger understanding becomes in Izzie’s gaze.

“So it’s true?”

They turn comically at the same moment to look at her as if staggered there’s somebody else in the room with them.

To be frank, Stevens can’t blame them for that. Not when their chemistry is making the entire room buzz with charged energy. It is a bit uncomfortable, because Izzie fears any second from now, they will be all over each other, making out or… worse.

She doesn’t want to witness Cristina Yang and Lexie Grey have sex in her hospital bed before her death.

“What?” Lexie says, with a voice choked.

“The two of you,” Izzie teases, wondering how far can she go after everything that happened. “Together.”

If it wasn’t for the goddamn cancer, Cristina would kill Izzie with her own bare hands. She stiffens all at once, losing the amusement that had her sparkling by the younger of Greys’ side.

Lexie senses the change of mood in Cristina instantly; it doesn’t take being an empath feeling deeply to guess what might be happening inside her head. The embarrassment runs deep, and guilt is even worse; but the worst? It’s the fear of ruining things - she’s supposed to be a cool girl. Fine with hooking up, no feelings, just orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. Maybe some laughter, but no cuddling post-coital, no sweet kisses except for making out that makes her face grow hotter in lust, and belly feel tight.

But the guilt…

There can’t be them together while Meredith… Before they have explained themselves to her.

She’s a cool girl. No putting a label on it, so Cristina can run free and do whatever the hell she wants to - including sleeping with the trauma attending.

Lexie is ice-cold. No hard feelings, no attachments.

A pile of bullshit.

“We’re not… I mean, it’s not like that,” Yang’s voice lacks the usual conviction. Lexie feels it in every fibre of her body, a pang of hurt hitting her heart.

“We’re just…” Lexie tries to finish it, glancing at Cristina’s frozen state. “I don’t know what this is.”

Her mouth gets dry, terrified of saying this out loud, like it might change everything. Ruin things.

“You don’t have to pretend in front of me,” Izzie says, settling back into her pillow. “I won’t start screaming, I won’t get angry.”

Cristina looks away, forgetting about the charts in her lap. A part of her wants to retreat. Shut off. Leave. Run as far as possible, until the responsibility of handling this and facing the problem are miles behind her, and she doesn’t have to deal with anything. Anything except from cardio.

Lexie knows every single thought that crosses Cristina’s mind. She just does.

“Cristina…”

It’s eerie to sit between the woman she might be falling for and the woman who is the one loved by the woman Lexie loves.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this complicated,” Cristina says, summing it up and abruptly standing up. She takes the charts and leaves the room with no words added. Like a ghost, only the scent of her faint perfume lingers.

Lexie feels tears coming into her eyes. She slumps in place, sighing and doing her best to not let them fall.

“Go after her,” Izzie says, nudging her with her foot.

“No,” Lexie shakes her head, meeting Stevens’ hopeful gaze, letting her own overflow with tears. She reaches into the basket and pulls out a Snickers bar. “I’m not the one she wants. I’ll just stick to the chocolate.”

---

It’s hot.

It’s cold.

It’s hot again.

No. It’s freezing.

Amelia thinks she’s losing her mind. If she can even call that thinking because those are not thoughts. These are screams in her head, but not as loud - rather drowned, as if they are underwater, muffled by the bubbles floating up

The last night she spent in the trailer with Derek was the worst night of her life. It’s worse than overdosing; overdosing at least took the pain away, and had her under the impression she was finally free from all of it. Spending the entire night without a glass of whatever alcohol would be around, without a needle into her pale skin, without a pill on her tongue, is her definition of torture.

It comes in flashes. The screams, the shouting right back at her from Derek who had to pin her down onto the ground just not to let her leave the trailer and run into the woods, willing to walk to the city to get anything. She barely registered what was happening until she begged Derek to let her go, sobbing and choking on tears, calling him names and then crying and apologising, then begging once again.

“If you love me,” She cried. “If you love me, let me go. Let me- give me something. Please.”

“I do love you, Amelia,” Derek told her, his hands on her wrist, pressing her onto the ground halfway through the trailer. “That’s why I’m not letting you go.”

She barely got any sleep and tried to sneak out, which, of course, didn’t happen. She must have destroyed so many things there, remembering how she wrestled for her life, shaking, dizzy and in the end, she ended up in the shower on the floor with water falling onto her head, wetting her clothes.

Nothing could awaken her mind.

None of it.

She barely got here for the assessment, and when she did, she spent fifteen minutes retching, while Addison held her hair and massaged her back. But she went through it. It’s time to go now.

It makes Amelia sick to think there are weeks ahead she won’t get anything. Sixteen hours is enough of sobriety. Sixteen hours is the most she can do. She’s too weak, she just has to give in, or she’ll drown altogether, not only with her thoughts.

She watches Chief Webber talk to one of the workers at the rehab centre, the one who had decided if she’s going to get admitted. It’s like Addison and Derek don’t exist to her. Addison who came out of her way just to drive here and support her.

Derek is the first to hug her, “You’re in the right place, Amy. I promise.”

“I don’t know if I can do it,” Amelia sniffles but hugs him back, realising how sweaty she is, probably with circles under her armpits, and how uneasy she is. “It’s too hard.”

Her brother takes a step back, shifting enough to put his hands on her white hollow cheeks, “Do you want to stay in this state forever?”

“No,” She shakes her head, tired of the tears that never stop coming. “I don’t want to feel like this.”

Her voice trembles so badly she doesn’t even recognise it. Is she still herself? Is she still an actual human being? Or just a monster and demons locked up in this shell of a body?

“Then this is the right place.”

“Okay.”

She wipes her tears away in a frantic motion, trying to stop her entire body from shivering. It’s out of her control, every movement is not hers anymore. She gave the power to the drugs, and when they’re far away, so is her control.

Addison steps forward and opens her arms like it’s the easiest thing in the world, “Come here.”

That is a challenge given she just entered the third trimester, but they find a way to hold each other. Trying to soothe Amelia’s pains while brushing through her hair, taking strands glued to her temples away and pressing a soft kiss on the sweaty skin.

“I am so sorry, Addie. I’m so sorry,” She murmurs. “I-I love you, I never wanted to-”

“I know,” Addison whispers, then sighs. “Get better. Get better and come back to us, so my daughter can have her favourite aunt around.”

The amount of tears shed is countable on both sides, for the one who has to stay and the one who has to leave her behind.

But even here, all Amelia can think about is a drink in hand, downing it after a pill or two. Even here, even now. Like she’s completely heartless and doesn’t care about people who love her. She should be terrified of losing them, not losing the feeling of high spreading in her limbs, tingling.

Richard approaches them with a tight smile, “It’s time.”

He always makes that face, that smile when the hardest things are about to be done.

Amelia looks back one last time at the life as she knows it, and then follows the same man who assessed her.

Notes:

LET ME ADVERTISE MYSELF. i don't know if there are any Supercorp shippers here but I made an edit account on insta and tiktok and i'm begging for followers lol. follow me at @svpercorpbrainrot
thanks for reading;)

find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=fd515394c31e4726

Chapter 71: these bad omens, i look right through them

Notes:

hiii. i know i'm late!!! and i'm sorry!!! also i know i didn't answer the comments yet but life has been crazy (in a positive way - i've been pretty content with life lately and i try to focus on catching every moment of the happiness and i was so caught up with that i forgot about updating). i'm posting this from my management class lmao.

this one is pretty special to me because it's a chapter before everything changes... but you'll see what i mean on monday. i promise you, i won't forget about posting because something big is about to go down;)

hope you enjoy this one<3

The first week of the maternal leave has been the most boring experience of Addison Montgomery’s life.

She is not exaggerating.

They do allow her in the hospital, to stroll around and talk with her friends but she cannot even pick up a chart. Watching everyone go on with their lives and work stings more than she thought it would, but Arizona Robbins did not give her a choice. If she wants to carry the child until the end of the term, she needs to leave any stressful factors to keep peace for the baby to develop without any issues.

It’s hard not to be stressed, though. With Amelia all alone in rehab probably going through hell, with no one to hug her and kiss her forehead, Addison cannot sleep at night. She can’t sleep at night because Meredith is not there to hold her the way she did in Los Angeles.

Addison thought she was ready to face it - God, she told Meredith herself that they could go back to strangers once they got home. But then…

Then, Meredith confessed her love to her when she thought the redhead was asleep and it couldn’t have been a lie. It can’t be a lie.

So, what are they even doing here? Both are in love with each other and there’s still an ocean between them. They can’t live without each other and instead of sitting on the couch together and eating tiramisu and watching reality shows, Addison is sitting in Callie’s kitchen and watching her do the dishes.

She pretends she doesn’t know, but they’re all treating her like a baby who needs to be constantly supervised. They handle her from hand to hand, so she is not ever alone at home, and with Lexie at work, it falls onto Callie’s plate to watch over her. Addison understands the idea, but her irritation grows bigger with each day she is forced to spend with someone.

Solitude would be fantastic.

“What are you doing?” Callie asks, staring at the embroidery hoop in her hands.

“Cross-stitching,” Addison says, unfazed, the needle smoothly going through the white fabric.

Callie takes another look to the side, looking concerned - her eyebrows furrow at Addison who sits by the kitchen island, not paying attention to anything except the small picture she’s trying to create. It gets addictive to put her needle through the small holes, sew a straight diagonal line, and then another one across it, then go to the right until the entire row is done, rinse, repeat. A dozen of colourful floss is spread on the surface, which she switches - mostly in the light and dark purple colours, along with green.

“Cross-stitching,” Callie repeats.

She is not sceptical - she is rather confused by the turn of events. In her eyes, Addison would be never this kind of soft pregnant woman who turns to crochet or whatever cross-stitching is, but keeps being active.

However, this is not the kind of pregnancy that allows you to be active. Not if it risks having a premature baby. Callie is sure they would save it, but why risk anything? They want all the best for Addison’s daughter and if it means cross-stitching… Then let it be it.

Lately, Callie has been thinking about kids.

It’s always been her dream, and when she witnessed Montgomery’s stomach growing, she learned how badly she craved for this dream to happen. But it’s all so new - they’ve been a month together with Arizona, and then a month apart, and only a crazy person would suggest having kids right now.

Still, she can’t stop imagining how it would be to have blonde, brown-eyed babies or brunette blue-eyed babies. It should be a crime for two women not to be able to have kids on their own. How wonderful it would be to make love to another woman and get her pregnant as an act of this love?

She wants a baby.

That has to wait, for a much longer time. Maybe even a year, or years - and the vision terrifies her. Just imagining her baby playing with Addison’s and she’s all smitten.

“Yep,” Addison says.

Callie decides to let it go, “Okay.”

There’s a long pang of silence, disturbed only by the sound of glass plates and silverware clattering and clinking, and water pouring from the tap.

Addison enjoys the quiet company but there are so many things on her mind and she needs a friend right now. Someone to tell her she’s making the right decisions, that they support her no matter what and they will stick by her side through it all.

“I think I’m going to buy a house,” She reveals.

Speaking so quickly, it’s almost like her words connect into a single one.

“Well, that’s a change of subject, I have to give you that,” Callie snorts, but falls silent to give her friend a sign to continue.

“Mark went to look at houses with me last week. I liked one in Broadmoor the most,” Montgomery hums, but sounds far from thrilled at the perspective. “I’m supposed to make the decision latest by Sunday.”

“Well, it’s about time. You’re about to pop,” Callie has trouble interpreting the atmosphere of their conversation. Buying a house in that neighbourhood should be a great excitement, planning out the style of the interior, buying all new furniture, drawing out the scheme. It should be insanely happy, especially with a baby on the way and the occasion to create the perfect nursery. Throwing a housewarming party, having your friends celebrate the new chapter of your life, your new home. It’s supposed to be a big thing. But in Addison’s eyes, she can read the disappointment, the sorrow, the realisation things aren’t the way she wished they would be. So, she leaves the dishes in the sink, dries her hands with a paper towel and leans across the island to face Addison. There’s only one question to ask. “What about Meredith?”

“What about her?”

“Don’t play stupid with me, Montgomery.”

Addison sighs, the rest of the energy leaving her body, “Well… things went back to the previous state. The way they were before LA. I’m probably not welcome in her frat house anymore,” She drops the embroidery hoop and the needle, hitting her forehead against the kitchen island, hiding her face in the smooth surface. “I have to stand on my own two feet. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it,” She sits up straight to face sympathy in her friend’s eyes. “But…”

She hesitates.

“But?” Callie reaches out and catches her hand in hers. “Spill.”

“She confessed she’s in love with me in Los Angeles-”

“That’s great!” Callie exclaims, opening her arms like everything is obvious and the happy end is unexpectedly within reach. “Isn’t it? What are you waiting for?”

“No. You don’t get it. She did it when she thought I was asleep. Maybe… Maybe I was. I don’t know, okay? I don’t know if I made that up or she actually apologised and told me she loved me. I don’t know! But wouldn’t she come around if she said that?”

“She’s Meredith Grey, Addison,” Callie shakes her head. “She’s dark and twisty. I know because I heard enough from Cristina about their twisted sisterhood. When it gets low, she tries to off herself. When real feelings arise and commitment appears, she runs. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. She does. I’m pretty sure you did not make that up. Everybody knows she loves you. I have known since day one. But she’s Meredith. She might not come around.”

“Yeah,” Addison sighs again. “I know who she is. But you don’t really know how she was with me. You may have witnessed supercuts of our moments, but you don’t know her the way I do. She’s not… She doesn’t run from me.”

“But she did.”

“I know she didn’t run because she would have to commit, or because she realised she loves me. I know it. Something else must have happened, something I have no clue about.”

Callie stares at her, a crinkle between her eyebrows, lips pinched in concentration. It seems like she’s attempting to read a map that Addison’s face has become for her. The hint of sympathy combines with sadness, as she feels for Addison deeply.

It makes Addison angry. A lot of things have made her angry lately. She cannot stand being looked at like an idiot who believes in lies just to find an explanation. This is not the case. She knows Meredith Grey like the back of her hand.

“Why do you still love her?” Callie asks quietly. “After all she has done to you?”

“Callie…”

“No. I’m serious. Why?” She knows it comes from a place of worry and anger because all Callie wants is for Addison to be treated right, but it riles her up. “She broke your trust. She betrayed whatever you two had. You were her great love and she still walked away. Without telling the reason, without an explanation. Why do you still love her?”

Because loving Meredith is the most natural thing in this world.

“These bad moments, Callie? I see right through them. She’s still the love of my life,” That’s the first time she has ever said that out loud, and the relief floods her system. Even now, she knows she said the truth. She spent this entire time stuck with that thought, which choked her to close up so much love in her heart, without being able to scream it out from the rooftop. “She’s the love of my life. She can break my heart, it was only hers to break anyway. When it heals, she can do it all over again,” A tear of sentiment trails down Addison’s cheek and she chuckles, finally letting go of all the things that blossomed in her chest. “That’s what you do when you love somebody. Going around again, returning to them. I know- heavens know I should let go, but in reality, love is never easy. Love is tears, love is forgiveness, love is mistakes, love is pain, love is trying to solve the puzzle all the while trying not to hurt the other, but it doesn’t always work. When you see the bad omens, you’re supposed to leave - that’s what the logical thinking tells you - but I see right through them. I see the person behind them. I see Meredith behind them, and she’s the only love I’ll ever have, so don’t judge me, Callie. I didn’t judge you after Arizona left you. When you cried because of it. Meredith is the other mother of my kid, even if she’s removed herself. She’s forever staying, and if not in life, then in my heart.”

She breathes out shakily after finishing her speech.

When did all these emotions get pent up inside of her? Where did they come from? Have they been there all along?

Finally, understanding flashes in Torres’ eyes. Perhaps even something more; just millions of different colours, millions of different emotions. The truth rings in the apartment, louder than any scream could.

Callie nods, staring at the surface.

“Okay,” She says softly. “I’m not judging anymore.”

“Thanks.”

“But I hope it gets better,” She looks up to look at Addison; at her teary eyes and wobbling bottom lip. “Truly. I hope there’s a chance of things changing around.”

“I lost hope before but… She was herself in LA. She was my Meredith. So I have hope, too. For the first time in a very long time.”

They smile gently at each other, their bond deepening in this moment of opening up. They’re themselves even more - Addison Montgomery and Callie Torres, accidental work colleagues changed into the closest of friends. True blue.

---

Once it’s time for Callie to get to her evening shift, she takes willing Addison with her, laughing at the cross-stitching she brings into the hospital. Instantly paged, Torres disappears into the maze of the corridors, while Addison strolls around the building until she arrives at the bridge and leans against the railing, staring outside the glass wall.

Seattle is not as bad as she imagined it to be almost two years ago. It’s not Satan’s cave anymore, it’s not hell anymore. It’s just a place that became her home, and she can’t leave even in the moments she profoundly wants to run away from everything.

“Addie.”

She turns her head to see Richard approaching her.

“Hi,” She smiles at him. “I’m not working. I’m just hanging out.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Webber leans against the railing with his elbows next to her. “You deserve that rest. But you’re always welcome here. You can visit me any time you wish to, I’m practically living in this hospital.”

Addison chuckles, “Oh, trust me, I know. It’s impossible to run from you in Seattle Grace.”

He laughs, nodding, “That is unfortunately true.”

They stand together for a moment before Richard speaks up again, “I’m doing a whipple in fifteen. Do you want to come to the gallery and watch?”

A quarter later, Addison has taken a comfortable seat in the middle of the front row in the gallery, waiting for the OR to fill up with surgeons and nurses. Her cross-stitch is in her lap, and she ignores three other people sitting around her and giving her weird looks. She’s here to take in medicine she has missed so dearly. She’s here to watch something she won’t be able to do for many months to come.

Nothing else matters right now.

That’s when Meredith Grey walks in, in the blue gown, gloves and navy blue cap, taking her place on the left of the patient on the table. She begins to look around, like she’s sensing eyes on her and it takes her one second to find Addison behind the window.

Their eyes lock and everything else stops. In one moment, they are not themselves in the present. They are Meredith Grey - the dirty mistress, an intern - and Addison Montgomery-Shepherd - the adulterous whore who came back to get her husband back. Even at this moment, Addison remembers her first week in Seattle when she came to watch Derek and how he acts around his young cuddly bunny. She remembers the moment their eyes connected and…

Maybe they’ve been connected this way for much longer than they realise. Maybe all of this hadn’t started last September, maybe they were doomed to become this since they met.

Bad omens.

Screw them.

The ocean blue of Meredith’s eyes shines the longer she watches Addison, but then the Chief walks in and they’re pulled apart.

Addison leans back in her seat, realising how wildly her heart is racing.

The surgery starts, and she tries to focus, both on it and on cross-stitching, but does a poor job of it.

There’s this deep feeling in her gut that April is going to be a game-changer. She feels it in her bones, in her heart and her mind; it’s not just disastrous, fateful hope. No. It’s an actual feeling not belonging to her imagination. Something’s going to happen. The cards will turn for the better. The bad omens will turn into good ones.

And she’s going to face them when the time comes.

Notes:

thank you for reading! i appreciate every feedback:)

find me on instagram: @callme_shakesqueer
find me on twitter: @imshakesqueer
and find my meddison playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N57nLJoJdLtOWlXVwY2Sj?si=fd515394c31e4726

Chapter 72: i was praying that you and me might end up together

Notes:

*taylor swift singing* BABY LET THE GAMES BEGIN

April Fool’s is far from humorous this year. Instead of joking and pranking each other, Addison, Derek and Mark sit silently in Emerald City Bar. With two beers on the table and many nutshells spread all over the surface, they contemplate the first day of the month which brought two dead patients and nightmares that haunted Addison for the entire night. She hadn’t had morning sickness since the fifteenth week, but when she crawled out of bed right after dawn, she puked her insides out and Lexie found her on the bathroom floor.

Instead of reminiscing about the brutal wakening, Addison returns to her halfway-finished cross-stitch.

“What is this exactly?” Mark points at the white fabric. “The thing?”

She cannot count the number of questions she got when she began to carry her art stuff with her, whether it was someone else’s place, the hospital or, in this case, the bar.

Addison raises the hoop in the air, with a picture that begins to reminiscen the scheme she drew herself to follow in the lines. One of the stems is finished, along with two leaves, and she is in the middle of making the first flower, “It’s cross-stitching. I’m not finished, barely in the middle so this might not make sense yet.”

“Lavender?” Mark guesses, tilting his head. Almost like the angle might change the image.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“It reminds me of good moments.”

“Lavender, huh?” Derek speaks up for the first time in an hour; his grief appears in silence and ice-cold beer, and even in these serene movements of his body, slowed in time, the weight on his shoulders is transparent. His eyes light up with understanding when their stares lock across the table.

She knows he knows.

They both know the lavender scent lingering in the blonde long strands, on the pillows and sweaters.

“Can you cross-stitch something for me?” Mark puts on his charming cheeky smile. “I have a concept A vision, one would say.”

“If you’re nice.”

That’s where the conversation ends. Even Mark doesn’t disturb it this time. They just sit in the corner, far from their usual table if a bigger group meets up here. Life goes on, but not for everyone. Not for Naomi. It won’t ever move for her again, and that’s the biggest curse imaginable, to have to stay when others are long gone, stuck in the past forever. There’s no tomorrow with Naomi, no new days waiting for her.

How can you still see colours in a world that should be black and white?

Addison looks first at Mark and then at Derek and wonders how are they still standing because she feels very much like she’s about to fall off her chair and fall asleep until the worst of grief passes by.

Derek clears his throat, puts his empty glass down and excuses himself to the restroom.

The moment he disappears behind the door, Mark straightens out his back, “I know we’re in a bad place right now,” He says slowly; it appears like he stayed silent to respect Derek’s need for no conversation, but he can’t keep it in anymore. Addison stops before pulling the needle through the fabric and looks up at him. “Especially you. You’re in a bad place right now. But maybe something can help. Make you smile.”

For her, he is speaking in riddles.

“What is it?” She asks.

“Callie got back with Robbins. They’re about to make it official.”

“That’s amazing!” Remarkably, he is right. The heaviness in her ribcage leaves her and she finds herself smiling from ear to ear. The memory of Callie crying desperately with a broken heart followed her around until today and it seems like Seattle still has some miracles to give away. “Arizona finally came to her senses.”

“Thank God for that,” Mark grins back at her.

“Letting go off Callie is insane,” She says. “She’s a catch.”

“Damn if I don’t know that,” Sloan nods.

Laughing pearly, she fills up the space between them with a positive atmosphere and the both of them stay laughing for no reason really, until Derek comes. When he finds them like this - a bit frenzied and mad - he cracks a smile. Small, but genuine and that’s the victory itself for this hard day.

---

Addison carries her pager by habit, even if no one ever pages her anymore. Its weight in her cardigan’s pocket gives her comfort, and high hopes to return to her pink scrubs and saving babies, having the purpose that brought her into this career twenty years ago. Two decades. How crazy is that? Years of learning and passing exams that had her lose sleep half of the week, over ten years of gaining her title, gaining experience until she became double board-certified OB/GYN.

She used to think nothing made her prouder than that, but then she got pregnant. Her entire world was shaken up and her priorities have changed. It’s been a long road, and it has gotten pretty lonely lately. Although, she is still here, standing and carrying two heartbeats inside her body. Two heartbeats, forever intertwined, the way only mother and daughter can be bonded.

From the boredom of it all, Addison hangs out in the hospital more than at home, but eventually even Seattle Grace can get boring, no matter it’s the tenth time she changes her spot - from the gallery to the cafeteria and into NICU. When all of it gets too repetitive, she goes back home to Lexie or Callie and binge-watches reality TV or reads the sex novels she bought at the beach bookstore in Los Angeles once upon a time. She should buy more of them, running out of material, but it wouldn’t feel right to order them in Seattle, yet she gets a feeling she might never return to the bookstore again. Los Angeles feels strange now. Unknown. Too empty and too haunted.

Perhaps she should go pick something out of her Shakespeare collection. Quite an alternation from porn to drama, but she’s a woman of many faces.

Standing in the hallway, leaning against the nurses’ station, she considers what she should do next when her pager goes off.

Her pager goes off.

What?

Pulling it immediately out of her pocket, she finds Miranda Bailey’s name on it.

Well, that is most certainly a turn of events, but Addison is not going to complain. Maybe something is lowkey enough to deal with it and not risk her pregnancy.

Perky and grinning, she marches her way to the clinic and finds the resident ordering people around, even if there are only a few of them around.

“Hey!” Addison says, gracing Bailey with her biggest smile. “You paged me!”

“Addison Montgomery,” Miranda says when she hears her, turning around.

Just by the tone of her voice, Addie feels like a kid in trouble. That’s the way it is with Bailey; no matter if you’re older or younger, her presence is much bigger and always above in an intimidating way. At least, they’re friends; maybe that’s enough not to have her head bitten off.

“I did page you,” She turns to two wide-eyed interns who are probably from Lexie’s group if Addison recognises correctly. “You two make sure his BP doesn’t drop. I’ll be back. Understood?” They both nod and Bailey turns to Addison again. They begin to walk outside, into the corridor leading to the staircase. “Can you tell me why one of my residents hasn’t eaten anything in the past twenty-four hours and keeps having mental breakdowns in my OR?”

“I’m on maternal leave, Miranda. I might be around but none of this is my responsibility-”

“Oh, you fool!” Bailey stops in her tracks and puts her hands on her hips, and maybe her glare is softened only because she does have a soft spot for the attending. Addison thinks that if the woman had charts in her hands, she would smash them on top of her head. “I’m talking about Meredith Grey. What the hell are the two of you doing?”

Addison sighs, rubbing her forehead, “Let’s not do this.”

“We are doing this!” Her voice is as strong as ever and has more willpower than some of the politicians do. “I can’t have the two of you mopping around the hospital. We have things to do. We don’t need two love-sick puppies unable to sort their crap out.”

Out of all things for today’s plans and expectations, Addison Montgomery never would have guessed that she would be chewed out by Miranda. So much for hopes to get back to work, even if only for fifteen minutes.

She cannot hear about Meredith Grey. She can’t think about her, because it makes her heart bleed in a way she thinks might kill her.

“Trust me, it is not my fault. I tried my best,” Proud of herself, it’s the first time she’s talking about the blonde without her voice shaking and her eyes watering. “But you can’t fix a thing that belongs to two people on your own. Besides, you did tell me a couple of months ago we should keep a distance with Meredith.”

Bailey scoffs, for a moment silenced in disbelief before her annoyance comes back twice as hard - her patience runs thin, “Addison, don’t play dumb. I didn’t mean cutting each other off and… You’re older than me but act like you’re an overly idiotic beginning intern. Did you get your degree by accident?”

This time it’s Addison scoffs, “I don’t know what you want me to do!”

The audacity!

“Yell at her until she listens. I can lock the two of you in a room until she talks to you. Kiss her when she tries to run away, Anything. Anything to make her finally stop and come to her senses. You know Grey is not stupid, she can just be… emotionally challenged. Thick, if you will. Shake her world up loud enough.”

“You know what?” Addison is having none of it. She tried, tried many times and thought she won until they returned to Seattle and the monotone routine of silence. So, no. “I’m going home. Lexie is finishing her shift soon. I can’t do this today.”

“We’ll do it tomorrow then!” Bailey never falters and never gives up. “We’ll do this every single day for months if we have to.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” Addison smiles sarcastically.

“Get your act together!” Bailey calls after Addison who walks away, not looking back and only showing up her thumb up in the air.

So much for today. Let the rest be uneventful, please, Addison asks internally. Let her go home and watch the TV until she falls asleep and wakes for Lexie’s freshly baked cookies.

---

Who would have guessed broom closets could be such a great place to lose your mind?
Maybe she should have known it months ago, far before she became friends with Addison. Because of that one time, when she caught Montgomery in the small space, sitting and crying her eyes out, begging Meredith for space, for her to disappear.

Mer gets the feeling.

She wants herself to disappear, too.

It’s hard to tell what kills her more - the pain spreading in her chest, filling up her ribcage and making her feel like there’s no oxygen in her failing lungs or the memory of seeing Addison in such pain. She remembers the mascara marks on her flushed cheeks, the broken look in her eyes, her cracked voice and… to think she might feel the same about Meredith right now, too.

They have come so far, and it all might have gone to waste.

How odd and stupid it is that Meredith wants to be in the arms who makes her cry and who she broke first? She wants Addison to kiss it all better. She wants to be in her embrace, but they are more than miles away; they’re on the other sides of the world, parted by oceans Meredith feels like they won’t ever cross again.

Real love is never easy.

But no one ever warned her how badly it can ache, especially when she is the one who destroyed it piece by piece. The guilt, the regret, the sorrow, they’re waves tonight and she cannot swim, just like she couldn’t in the Elliot Bay. How lonely it feels to be parted with your loved one by your own mistakes, and not being able to confide in them - quite ironic want to lean into the person who is not yours anymore. The loneliness is filling in the air around her, making her feel claustrophobic, and the small darkened room doesn’t help fighting it off.

Meredith never meant to start a war. So many wars, so many battles with the people she loves the most. She thought she would never sink lower than in November, but here she is, sobbing on the cold floor and begging the universe to take the pain away; she’s not strong enough to fight it anymore, all alone in this world. Isolated, forgetting there’s an army of people willing to fight for her.

She needs somebody. A person.

The universe listens sometimes, as it appears. Sometimes, in the worst moments, you say your prayers and the stars align; it’s a sign - no matter if it’s just accidental circumstances. Human beings were built with faith for anything in their hearts and brains; everyone believes in something different but all of it comes to the same fundamental things. They just want to be heard.

The door swings open, and a silhouette shows up, blinding Meredith’s swollen red eyes which adjusted to the darkness.

Cristina turns on the flickering dimmed light bulb, halting in surprise.

“Oh, shit.”

“Cristina,” Meredith says, with a croaked thick voice.

No matter what, that’s her person.

They stare at each other, something between soulmates and strangers.

“Are you here looking for another spot to screw my sister?” Meredith can’t help herself, but none of the viciousness fills up her voice. Petty, that’s what she sees, but in reality, she is overflown with gratitude to see Yang in front of her. She just has to make her stay, even if it’s with insults.

“Oh, give me a break,” Cristina says but steps inside and closes the door behind her. The air fills with unfinished business, twice as noticeable in the small space. Then, she clears her throat, “What’s wrong, gay girl?”

“You’re the gay girl here,” Meredith sniffles, trying not to look pathetic and sad, of course, failing. “You’re sleeping with my sister.”

This one sentence causes her to break down into sobbing that wrecks her entire frame, small in the way she curls up on the floor. Hiding her face in her knees she hugs tightly to her chest, she cries and wails for everything that has been pent up inside of her. This is not about Lexie at all. This is about everything.

Cristina doesn’t even blink before she sits on the floor in an instant, with crossed legs.

She puts her hands on Mer’s knees, pulling herself as close as humanly possible to Grey.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” She says quietly, her hands making soothing circles on the fabric of the scrubs. “But are you crying because of it?”

She knows her so well. Deep to the bone. Sees right through it.

“No,” Meredith raises her head and looks downright terrible - her face bloated and red. “I- I was so stupid. So stupid, Cristina.”

“Tell me everything. From the start.”

She does. She talks for a good twenty minutes, involving truly every piece in the tale of the past month, every sign Cristina didn’t notice. Meredith doesn’t blame her in the slightest but can sense Yang blames herself for missing all of them, too caught up in having two affairs. It’s no one’s fault, for them to distance themselves so far, just because of focusing on their own stuff. It happens. Life is messy. The crucial thing is to find yourselves reconciling and returning to the home of your friendship - that’s what both of them know while Mer talks and Cristina listens patiently.

“Geeez,” Cristina sighs, running her hand through her hair, taking it in.

Giving Meredith one last glance, she stands up abruptly and causes confusion to be written all over Grey’s face.

She offers her hand, determination on her face, “Get up, Mer. Move,” When Meredith stares dumbly she nudges her with her foot. “Move! Stop wallowing, that’s pathetic. We got things to do.”

They have things to do. The list is short - only one point on it. Sounds easy, but it won’t be. One point to be done before today ends. Cristina will make sure of it.

---

“This is insane.”

“You are insane,” With the night surrounding them, the only sources of light are the street lamps and the bright windows in the twelve-story building, Cristina is dragging Meredith from the narrow parking lot towards the entrance. Literally dragging, holding her hand with both of hers and pulling her like they’re playing tug of war, “This is the most sane thing you can do.”

“No, Cristina-”

“Stop being a coward,” Cristina manages to reach the door and types in the code she remembers from the past that seems so distant now. “You want hot McSex with Satan? You need to get over yourself.”

“Cristina!” Meredith’s voice echoes down the ground floor’s hallway.

She hates it. She hates Cristina. She hates that she is right and that she does need to get over herself and yes, maybe, okay- she wants to have sex with Addison but it feels like that ship has sailed. Addison can never talk to her again, even more, let her touch her, and one day without that touch feels like a year without rain. So the past months were a decades of draught in her mind. Overall, she hates all of it.

The elevator rings when it arrives and opens its automatic doors.

Despite knowing this is the only way to fix things, Meredith still makes Cristina drag her because making things easier is not in her nature. Only once the doors close, Yang lets go of her and leans against the wall, huffing and puffing.

“You should stop being so difficult. I do not have that much strength. Chill out.”

Meredith chuckles, but it’s that kind of nervous laughter that betrays how terrified you are.

Once they get out, Mer knows it’s too late to back out and finally, follows Cristina to the door she’s burst through uncountable times. Her throat is dry and her hands shake, and she feels her entire body becoming sticky from sweat underneath her jacket. She cannot do this. No. How can she even look Addison in the eyes? Is she supposed to do it while Lexie and Cristina watch? How is this even going to work? She’s not prepared. She’s got hundreds of thrown-out speeches back at home in the bathroom bin where she lay on the floor and tried a thousand times to find the right words which could work to make her mistakes better. But she didn’t bring any of them and she’s searching through her pocket, foolishly hoping that maybe one of them got miraculously stuck there.

Her pockets are empty and while she looks through them, she doesn’t even notice the door opening.

Lexie stands there, in oversized sweats and hair tied in a bun on top of her head, a bowl of popcorn under her arm. Even if surprised, her whole face lights up seeing who’s on the other side. Her smile eases down to not appear suspicious when she notices Meredith behind Cristina’s back.

“Is Montgomery here?”

“What?” Lexie blinks a couple of times, eyebrows furrowing but smile never diminishing. “What are you doing here?”

Nevertheless, Cristina persists, “Looking for Montgomery.”

“She’s not here,” Little Grey finally answers, her eyes jumping from Cristina to Meredith, waiting for the bomb to drop. She never believed she would see the two best friends appear at her door when she hadn’t spoken to her older sister ever since that unfortunate day. “I mean, she’s on the rooftop.”

“Where?”

Meredith and Cristina’s voices combine, with mutual bafflement and surprise.

“When she gets sad, she likes to watch the city at night. And the stars,” Lexie explains. She hates for her roommate to be sad, but she gets blue even more often and the rooftop is the perfect spot to quiet down and disattach from the problems and the reality. “I go there, too. It’s really beautiful up there.”

“Okay,” Yang nods, back to her sustaining motivation. She collects herself and turns to look at concerned Meredith. “You go there. Get Satan back. I’ll wait here for you.”

“Here?” Meredith blinks and gets out of the emotional stupor. Snorting, she points at Lexie, “Alone with my sister?”

“You’re focusing on the wrong part. Go. Move your ass and face it.”

Even when she stays in place, Cristina gets inside and slams the door in her face, giving her a clear sign; especially, when she turns the lock. There’s nowhere to go than the rooftop.

It’s a fever dream when she presses the button to the top floor and listens to the elevator’s quiet humming, counting down the floors as their numbers show up above the door on a small screen. Her body doesn’t feel like hers because dread sinks deep inside and her heart beats so loudly she worries she might have a heart attack. Opening her mouth, she worries she won’t be able to push one single word out.

The stairs are easy to find at the end of the right leg of the hallway and she climbs them, counting again - apparently, numbers call her messy mind. It allows her to focus on something else than the speech she will have to make any second from now.

Pushing the big silver door that’s left ajar, the creak echoes into the night she steps into.

The wind greets her, pulling at her clothes and hair, far from being familiar like the warmth that came out of the apartment she was locked out of. It doesn’t bring her courage, to be surrounded by cold April night. She pauses for a moment, trying to stop her mind from connecting the shivering to the memories after her drowning, the way she was overcome with waves of it in the most random moments; moments that brought her to Addison. It’s not only from the cold, is it?

It’s the fear announcing itself with every step it makes inside her chest.

She sees Addison ahead instantly. Her silhouette is outlined against the backdrop of the city lights, and the occasional flicker of stars above.

The air is crisp and filled with the distant hum of city life. Nothing else between them, except five feet, and golden and white lights all around - beneath them, above them. Everything seems to be so alive, even in the darkest of nights. Meredith hopes with all of her heart that they’re going to be alive again, too, after falling into that darkness; just let them be as insistent as the stars and the full moon.

After taking one last deep breath, Meredith steps hesitantly forward, ignoring the biting wind, the unzipped jacket that lets it hug her figure. Nothing else matters, not when Addison is almost within the reach of hand.

Each step feels heavier, and maybe they’re louder, too, because Addison’s still posture that’s unaware of Grey’s presence suddenly jumps and she snaps her neck to look back, flinching when she sees an outline in the dark.

“Meredith?” It’s a choked sound, voice shaky as she hugs herself tightly in the middle; hard to tell if she’s protecting herself from the weather or from the vulnerability Mer always brings out of her. “What are you doing here?”

“I came…” Meredith clears her throat and tries not to slouch, to stand tall. “I came to fix things.”

“What things?”

Addison’s voice is resigned already, and she’s doing her best not to shake her head and call it done and gone.

“I came to fix us.”

“Is there even an ‘us’ anymore?”

The question cuts through Meredith’s heart like a knife. It’s what she has to pay for the misunderstanding - what she hopes it is to get Addison her version of the story. Even if Addison has met someone… She still never deserved this treatment. These childish, cruel words and not given a chance to explain.

“Of course, there is,” Meredith takes a step closer, and relief spreads all over her when Addie doesn’t shift back away from her. She needs to take a moment not to cry and hides her face in her hands for a second or two before looking up at Addison’s blank expression. “I’ve been an idiot. I’ve been acting selfish. I’ve been immature. I’ve been… everything that’s wrong with us. And I need to fix this.”

They were friends, best of friends, before becoming blurry lines and something more. They were friends first. It must count.

“Go on,” Addison nods slowly.

It’s her chance, she can’t waste it.

“It… I’m so sorry for the pain I caused. I do not- I want to explain why I went down this road, but none of it is an excuse. I heard your conversation with Callie.”

“What are you talking about?” Addison begins to search through her memories, but she talks to Callie every single day. There are endless conversations, going from serious to unhinged, and everything else in between. She barely remembers half of them, so it’s too vague. “What conversation?”

“At the end of February. She was crying and she asked you if you met somebody and you sounded so happy when you said yes and-”

“Wait. Meredith…” Addison’s heart falls in her chest and she takes a step further. Finally, her poker face turns into a frown, almost leaning into regret. “You made all of this mess because of what overheard?”

This is bad. This is going so bad, Meredith thinks and begins to twist her fingers, “When you put it like that…”

“You ruined us because you overheard a part of a private conversation?” There’s rage. If you want to describe it in one word, it’s pure rage.

“I ruined us because the thought of you loving someone else killed me!”

The words hang in the air, sharp and raw. The city lights twinkle in the background, unaware of the turmoil and charged silence between the two of them. Jaded green eyes stare into desperate blue ones, but the green ones widen in shock, searching for confirmation these words were real, and that she didn’t make them up in her mind. The wind carries on Meredith’s scream, and it’s too late, the confession is out in the world and she cannot ever take it back. Only the lingering silence stays, everything else blurry and deaf.

“Meredith, you have no idea what we talked about. You… You hurt me like that because I hurt you, too, even if in reality I did not? You did that without really knowing what was I talking about? I didn’t meet anyone new,” Addison shakes her head. The bitterness shows through and she cannot find a way to stop it. “I didn’t meet anyone new. You didn’t know the context, you didn’t know… anything! And just because of that, you decided to shut me out and hurt me in every way imaginable?”

“I know it was stupid, okay? I know! I know I was an asshole. I know but I can’t think clearly when it comes to you. Addison,” She takes another step, wishing she could just cross the rest of the distance and pull her into her arms and hold her for eternity. Just their hearts pressed against each other, playing the same melody. “It wasn’t something casual to me. I didn’t kiss you and touch you for pleasure or satisfaction. It was- it is far too deep to me and maybe you’re blind to see that, and even if you are, that’s my fault after everything I have done… Right now I might be ruining the remnants of our friendship but- I can’t- I can’t keep doing this.”

It’s a beautiful mixture of confusion and hope dancing on Addison’s features. Lips parted, ears taking in every hopeless, frantic word, eyes lighting up for the first time with borderline positive emotion.

That’s what she wanted from the beginning. For Meredith to frankly talk about their issues, to make up and act like grown-ups. She’s getting what she needed for such a long time, yet she has only a mere assumption of where this can go.

“Doing what?” She asks quietly.

“Acting like you don’t own my heart, every part of my soul and inch of my body. You have spellbound all of me and I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t want to live without you. But I can’t act like I don’t love you more than a friend, more than whatever we have been edging on. I love you the way you’re supposed to love your other half. You appear like a dream to me, all part of you. I… Every day, I have stopped myself from confessing that I loved you from the second you stopped into my hospital room and held me when I asked you to. I didn’t realise until Christmas that you are everything, Addie. You are everything to me. For the first time in my life, I know what romantic love is supposed to be like. And I wish I could guarantee something good enough for you, an easy life with me, but given how many times I fell apart before I got myself back, I can’t promise anything. I can’t guarantee a lack of storms and lack of problems. There’s one thing I can guarantee. I’ll love you until the end of time. I’ll love you when we’re grey and old and can’t do surgeries anymore, when our kid has her kids and we get to be grandmas. I’ll love you when it’s time to go and I’ll love you beyond that, no matter where we end up going after leaving this place. You’re my home. Whatever you choose, I will never stop loving you. You’re always going to come first to me. No one else will ever be more important to me than you,” Meredith has no idea when the tears started to flow down her cold cheeks, and has no idea when Addison has gotten closer to her, and has no idea she had it in her to manage to say all of this barely stuttering. She remembers, suddenly. Remembers the crucial part, and smiles softly, sniffling, “Except for…”

There are matching tears running down Addison’s face, both of her hands pressed tightly to her chest. Her voice is weak and thick with emotions when she asks impatiently, “Except for?”

“Your baby. Ella. She already has my heart and I’m scared that love might only grow bigger when she arrives.”

Addison laughs and cries instantly, shaking her head. If someone told her that her luck would finally find her and the world took some pity on her, she would not believe it. She can’t stop the tears, and can’t stop crying, unable to speak. She places her hand on her belly sticking out from the coat, seeing Meredith barely stop herself from doing the same.

“You love her?” Addison asks with a trembling voice.

“Of course, I do,” Meredith says. “How could I not? She’s my baby, too.”

“Oh, Meredith.”

She has to look up to stop her eyes from watering. She can barely see and she needs to be completely aware and has to see every emotion passing through Meredith’s face when it’s her turn to speak. Ella kicks like crazy as if sensing who’s around. Addison knows it doesn’t work like that, but she likes to think that.

“I’m apologising for everything. But I’m not apologising for how much I love you, except for the part that made me lose rational thinking. Because, Addie,” Her voice cracks. “I swear to God, you are the love of my life. You are everything that the poets write about, everything I read in the books you lent me. You’re all of it and more.”

“Meredith.”

Addison feels like she’s about to burst, fresh air filling her up which makes her want to scream out her love at the top of her lungs. She needs to speak before all this love kills her.

“If you don’t feel-”

“I feel everything!” Addison shouts, cutting through and making Meredith freeze in place, frightened in her wide-eyed gaze. But Addison has had enough of fighting; she needs to make peace. She needs to find forgiveness. “I thought you walked out for good and it shattered me to pieces and I- Before, I thought you wanted to keep us platonic, in this line of friends and something more and I didn’t speak up because the last thing I wanted was to ruin something. Then, you were gone and I was in this darkness, and everything lost its colours; it killed me just the same. I was scared I pushed you away by wanting more. I didn’t want to be left behind for craving more than we had as friends. I didn’t understand… any of it,” She presses her lips together, staring at that face she came to love from the very start. This little nose and curved eyebrows right now raised in hope, and sweet lips always tasting like strawberry lipgloss, eyes that stare at her right now that hold all the stars within. “Meredith, I feel the same. Our hearts are bound and you are the only one I belong to. You gave me more in the past seven months than I could ever ask in this life - a best friend to walk through life and someone who cares for my babygirl as much as I do. You made a mess but you’re cleaning it up now, you’re giving it all to me and… Mer, of course, I am the love of your life. Because you are mine.”

“I am?”

Pure disbelief.

All of the scenarios in Meredith’s head never even compared in the slightest to reality.

“You are, Mer,” Addison smiles, and only her smile can be such a heartbreaker. Her well-defined lips, her curved top lip Meredith loves to feel against her mouth, they’re smiling in a way that could break heart by heart. Addison can break her heart over and over again, and she’s going to wait for the next time if it means she gets to have her. Have the love of her life. “You are my entire world.”

“Right behind Ella,” Meredith smiles cheekily, reminding her.

“Together with Ella,” Addison says, all of her teeth showing in the grin.

They fall into each other’s arms, the way they were supposed to do ages ago. Not edging on unclear lines, but rightfully lovers, so much in love it can make you fall to your knees. Skin to skin, lips to lips, they’re all over each other, even if Meredith stays careful not to cause discomfort to Addison’s belly. Their lips meet time after time, and it feels like drowning, except this time she can breathe underwater and somehow it even gives her more oxygen than the air does. The waves are warm and twirl around her and she embraces her, entangling her hands around her neck, while Addison’s palms rest on her hips, pulling her in and in, never having enough. Their mouths are hungry for something they’ve been waiting for for eternity, to do fairly, with the truth out, no uncertainty on where do they stand.

When Meredith opens her lips, their tongues meet tentatively, testing the unknown waters and tasting each other and soon, any inhibitions go away. Heaven doesn’t seem so far away now, when they have each over everywhere, clinging to each other and fervently exploring each other’s mouths.

The scent of lavender powers over Addison Montgomery everywhere, like it spreads from the blonde hair and covers her like ivy. She can’t stop kissing her; even if the world was burning down, all she could do would be to keep on pressing her lips to Meredith’s until everything burst.

“I love you,” Meredith murmurs against her smiling lips. “I love you, I love you, I love you. I can’t stop.”

“Then don’t,” Addison whispers, leaning her forehead against Grey’s. “Never stop. Don’t leave me again. Please.”

“I won’t. I promise. I’ll stay.”

“Okay.”

Their lips find each other again and again, and even the biting April cold and strong wind can’t stop them. The sounds of the city below suddenly disappear, and Seattle is a place thousands of miles far away from the love bubble they’re stuck in. There’s only the two of them, nothing else. Just them and forever and beyond that.

Notes:

BOOM SHAKALAKA. congratulations, dear readers, you have just read almost 300k words of slow burn and survived it. our girls are officially girlfriends and soon-to-be moms. thank you for sticking with me for the first part of this story, now let's continue the crazy journey