Chapter Text
Privacy, for most is a fairly simple concept. A basic right, a given. Something that's expected at home, in the car. Even when out in public, people don’t assume they're being watched. Or, maybe they do. Maybe they're aware of every movement, of everything they do and how it’s perceived but the thing is, in most cases, no one cares. No one notices. A person goes into a store and nobody is paying attention, you’re just another nameless person out of a hundred. Until you’re not.
He was warned about the parties, the money, the drugs, the way it all goes to your head. He was threatened to stay straight and narrow, given a talk all with a PowerPoint of exactly what his downfall could look like. If he were to fall apart, he didn’t have the luxury of it happening in private. If he fucked up, everyone was watching. If he went to a store, he wasn’t nameless.
As much as celebrities would like you to believe their lives are so difficult, it isn’t true. Of course, they have their struggles, money makes evil men. Seemingly unlimited access to a person’s life makes piranhas of an audience. Fame is a certain amount of pressure and not everyone can handle it, but at the end of the day mental illness, drug addiction, immense expectations… were they not problems an average person had as well? At least as a celebrity, you can cry about it at night into your expensive sheets.
Regulus Black thought most of the other celebrities he’d met were whiny pieces of shit. So, he has no privacy, so sometimes he can feel the eyes on the back of his neck… and? That’s nothing, Regulus has lived pain, he knows pressure. This is nothing, this is pressure accompanied by enough flattery, money, and granted wishes to cushion the blow. Yes, sometimes his life fucking sucks, but not any more than it did when he was sixteen without a penny or prospect to his name. It could be worse, he could still be working fast food and crying in the disgusting bathroom five times a day. Regulus would like to think as someone who’s been on each side of the spectrum of financial privilege at different points of his life, that he’s qualified to say that most celebrities are just far too whiny. It could be worse, and he lives by that every day. Especially right now as he sips his black coffee which he pretends he likes and scrolls through Twitter. It could be worse; he could be Emma Vanity.
Emma, who didn’t actually do anything. Who was actually perfectly lovely, but now it hardly matters because someone found a video of her with some male friend when she was drunk, standing just a little too close. It’s been decided that she’s definitely a cheater and she had an intense and sordid affair with this guy spanning a year. Regulus isn’t sure where the fuck people got this from, but he isn’t surprised. Life could be worse, he could be a woman in the music industry, burned at the stake for even the most minor things. But he’s not, so the internet is on his side and honestly that makes him angry. If he has to hear one person infantilize him, Regulus is going to drown himself in the bathtub.
He wishes he could say he didn’t look to the bathroom, seriously considering it for a moment, but no, that wouldn’t work.
“How’s poor broken-hearted Reggie?” Barty cooed, barging into the room with far too much energy for someone who should be violently hungover.
“If you wake Evan he may kill you,” Regulus told him, not looking up from his phone.
“I hope he does,” Barty grinned “You know that blue light is going to kill your sleep schedule.”
“I think the drinking and trauma do that for me already.”
“Touché.”
Regulus watched Barty try to pour coffee and spill it all over his counter, Regulus sighed loudly while the other man just grinned, haphazardly wiping it up with a single paper towel.
Pandora entered the kitchen next, kissing Regulus on the cheek as she passed. Barty was already pouring her a cup of coffee, with much less spilling this time and she smiled in thanks. She at least looked mildly hungover but the thing about Pandora was that she just didn’t care. She often preached that hangovers were a given as twenty-somethings and that they should cherish them as a sign of their youth. Regulus was once again considering death because he did not cherish hangovers and Barty had just spilled the rest of the pot of coffee on the floor and begun shrieking loudly, which did not help Regulus’s headache. They were getting told old for this.
“What the fuck is all this noise?” Evan emerged from his bedroom grumbling, he at least looked as violently hungover as Regulus felt. “Living in this house makes me wish I was dead.”
“You don’t live in this house, this is my house,” Regulus pointed out but of course they all ignored him. It wasn’t true, well, not really. Sure, it was technically his house, and they all had their own places to live, but a majority of their time was spent here. They all had their own room, their preferred food in the cabinets, and their toothbrushes in the bathroom.
“I’m going to make eggs,” Barty announced.
Evan physically gagged. “God, Barty I will actually murder you.”
Barty just raised an eyebrow suggestively. “Jokes on you, I’m into that.”
“Death?” Pandora questioned. “You may want to see someone about that.”
“Hey, if we’re going to talk about anyone's suicidal-ness, it should be Regulus, he has on his ‘I’m going to throw myself off a balcony’ face.”
Regulus frowned, spinning in his chair to glare at his bandmate. “That was one time Barty!”
“I’m afraid one time is probably one time too many, my dear,” Pandora said sitting down at the table across from him.
“It was an accident,” Regulus protested.
“Uh-uh, whatever you say Reg,” Barty grinned far too brightly for someone talking about his friend’s potential suicide attempt, which it wasn’t, by the way. If Regulus had gotten a little too drunk and fallen off a balcony that was no one’s business but his own. He’d been fine.
“Oh god, we’re in the studio today aren’t we?” Evan said suddenly, eyes widening.
“Yes,” Pandora said with a tranquil smile. “I’m excited to work on the new track, I had a dream about the bassline for the bridge.” Because of course Pandora had gotten blackout drunk and come up with what was sure to be some musical genius of a bassline in her sleep.
“The song is shit,” Regulus said.
“You wrote it,” Barty pointed out.
“Yeah, and it fucking sucks.”
“I disagree, you’re too hard on yourself Regulus,” Pandora said.
“Shut the fuck up,” Evan said.
“Yeah, it does suck,” Barty said, all their voices overlapping as they spoke at once.
Regulus just blinked for a second at the three very different responses from his band before shaking his head and taking a long sip of his coffee. “Well, we already recorded half of it, so it hardly matters. I’m just saying I don’t like it. But it is what it is. Anyway, I wrote something on piano, it’s decent so we should start on that today.”
That was enough to draw raised eyebrows from his friends “Decent?” Evan repeated. “That’s Regulus talk for fucking brilliant.”
Regulus just shrugged. “It’s alright. It’ll be interesting to mess around with at least. I used a lot of classical influence in the composition so we can see what can be done with it.”
“Eat your breakfast, Barty,” Evan turned. “Something that isn’t eggs or I will throw up on them. Be fast, we’ve got to get to the studio.”
It was a mark of how intrigued Barty was, that he didn’t even argue.
--
"Test me in the swimming pool
If you jump so do I
When you give I fold
If you tell the truth I’ll lie
You made me in your image
To be your antithesis
Taught me to clasp my hands
And at night I’d pray to Jesus
But he wasn’t listening
He didn’t say a word
If those nights he was watching
He wanted us to burn."
“It feels a little cliché.”
Pandora reached out, swatting him hard over the head. “Shush Reg,”
“Yeah,” Dorcas their producer agreed, “shut up. This is going to be so much fun, I love the little descending runs in the interlude and the key switch in the ending… totally shifts the entire feel of the song.” She had a glint in her eye that told Regulus she was already imagining the possibilities in her head, his band seemed similarly lost to the potential. Evan was tapping a beat on his leg and Barty was watching as if he could hear exactly what Evan was hearing, Pandora was just watching them all with a bright grin.
“What was that first snippet you played for us?” Dorcas asked.
“The hook?” Regulus leaned forward, he wouldn’t admit it, but he loved to watch their brains spinning, to feel the magic of a good song in the air.
“Yeah, play it again.”
Regulus let out a long suffering sigh lest any of them get the idea he liked them, which of course he did, they were his oldest (and frankly only) friends, but he had a reputation to uphold. He scrolled back to the last recording, hitting play so they could listen.
"If you’re everything good
And I’m your antithesis
Does that make me your villain
Does it declare lack of innocence?
If I’m your antithesis."
“Jesus Christ, just punch me in the gut next time Regulus!” Dorcas said jumping up. “Come on, we’re making this fucking song.”
Regulus absolutely did not flush with pride at the approval, definitely not.
--
There’s no such thing as a private breakup when you’re famous Regulus knows that, he’s been in the industry for nine years, he’s had numerous breakups in the public eye. Normally he didn’t mind it so much because the thing is, as Regulus has come to find it undeniable, he was terribly and irrefutably gay. So, so gay, yet… he’d only ever dated women.
It’s a tricky thing when you’re catapulted to fame at barely nineteen, especially when it’s only years before running away from a very influential and high-profile family. Regulus is gay, and he got famous before he had time to figure that out, or at least before he stopped repressing it. So, in nine years, he’s only publicly dated women. None have them have ever been serious enough to warrant any hard feelings on Regulus’s side, which should have been the first glaringly obvious sign that he was gay, the whole lack of feelings thing. But, well Regulus was an expert at building walls in his mind and he truly did not realize this for a long time. Then there was Emma Vanity. Emma was special in the fact that Regulus actually liked her. She was smart, sarcastic, and funny in a dark way. Sharp as a whip, a little mean at times, yet also sweet in her own right, as long as you earned it. Yes Regulus liked her very much, and despite having his earth-shattering ‘fuck I like boys’ revelation a few years prior, he hadn’t yet had the ‘oh, I actually do not like women at all’ revelation yet, so, unfortunately, he convinced himself that because he liked Emma, he liked her romantically. As previously stated, Regulus was very good at deluding himself because it took him an entire year into their fairly serious relationship to come to the conclusion that he was wrong. Yeah, you didn’t have to say it, Regulus knew he was a piece of shit. It was made ten times worse because he did like Emma, and probably loved her to some degree, just not in that way.
Now Emma Vanity was being attacked by the press and fans online and Regulus couldn’t help but feel extremely guilty.
Barty peered over his shoulder at the gossip article Regulus was reading. “Why are you reading cheap speculation on your own breakup?”
“They’re being awful to her, the media,” he frowned as Barty threw himself onto Regulus’s couch, getting crumbs everywhere from the piece of toast he was holding.
“Yeah? The media always is.”
“I just feel a little bad.”
Barty paused. “No way, don’t tell me you’re actually upset over this breakup?”
“I just don’t think she deserves to be eaten alive, our breakup is none of their business.”
“Yeah, but that’s just how it works, celebrity relationship, celebrity breakup. Everyone will talk about it and then they’ll move on.”
“Barty I’m gay,” Regulus said abruptly.
Barty at least had the grace not to say, ‘I know’ instead, he just took a bite of his toast. “Uh-huh,” he nodded.
“I’m glad you feel comfortable telling us,” Pandora called from the kitchen emerging a second later with a smile on her face. “I’ll bake cookies to celebrate.”
Evan looked up taking an earbud out to peer at them. “What are we celebrating?”
“Regulus is gay,” Barty said.
“Does this mean we have an excuse to get drunk?”
“Did you not say this morning you’re getting too old for this and are never drinking again?” Barty pointed out.
“Yeah, and? Your point?”
“Are none of you even going to pretend to be surprised?” Regulus protested.
“Reg, remember when we slept together as teenagers?” Barty snorted. “Yeah, I knew.”
“Well, I didn’t even know then.”
“That’s because you’re an idiot, we had sex how did you not know?”
“Lots of people experiment in school.”
“Okay, before the two of you start bickering like children,” Evan cut in, “If you want to tell me again I’ll promise to act more surprised.”
“I can’t come out again,” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Okay, well fine don’t say I didn’t offer. But I’m glad you figured it out, Reg.”
“Oh shut up,” Regulus muttered, but he did feel glad it was out there now, even if they’d all known for years.
Really, Regulus had been aware of the fact that they knew, but knowing and looking someone in the eye and saying he was gay was very different.
“So, are we getting drunk tonight?” Barty asked hopefully.
“I have to make cookies first,” Pandora said determinedly.
Regulus knew they were absolutely not going to wind up making cookies.
--
“What if I faked my death and ran off to Iceland?”
“Why Iceland?”
“Dunno, it was the first place that popped into my head.”
James turned his head from where he lay on the hotel bed to survey his best friend. “How would you do it?”
“Not sure,” Sirius sighed, “maybe a plane crash. I could make people think I got on the plane and then have it go down in the middle of nowhere so nobody could ever find it. No worries about whether or not there’s a body. Though it’s a year too late to join the twenty-seven club, unfortunately.”
“Unfortunately,” Remus repeated from across the room, eyebrows raised.
“You heard me Moony,” Sirius grinned in a way he only ever did for Remus.
Remus just sighed. “Well there are too many holes in your plan anyway, it’d never work.”
“Why not?” Sirius asked defensively, “I could pull it off!”
“What about the pilot?”
“What about them?”
“Are you going to kill an innocent pilot when you make them crash a plane in the middle of nowhere?”
“They’ll crash it safely so they survive, it’ll all be planned!”
“That doesn’t sound viable Sirius—”
“If the two of you keep bickering I’m going to poke my eye out with this pen and when everyone asks tomorrow I’m going to tell the world on camera it’s because the two of you need marriage counseling,” Peter said smoothly, not even looking up from the crossword he was doing in the corner.
“We’re not married!” Sirius said at the same time as Remus said: “We don’t need counseling.”
They paused blinking at each other before both turning on Peter. “And we’re not bickering!” Sirius insisted.
“We’re not,” Remus agreed.
“You are, like an old married couple.”
Sirius glared. “We’re not a couple.”
“We’re not,” Remus agreed, and James wanted to reach out and knock both of their heads together, he settled for throwing the hotel bible at them.
“Ow!” Sirius complained and James just grinned rolling over to sit up as he rubbed his shoulder where the book had made contact. “Why do you have this out, I’m pretty sure you just committed religious blasphemy.”
“Oh,” James snorted, “and you’re against blasphemy now?”
“Only when it includes assaulting me with a bible, geez, Prongs, you could have thrown it at anyone else and I would have cheered you on. Violence with a bible, it’d get my mother rolling in her grave."
“Your mother is alive,” James pointed out.
“I pretend she’s not, her continued existence is unfortunate. Plus, I am not entirely convinced she isn’t simply a walking, yelling, corpse.”
“I could see that,” Peter looked up making a face, he’d only met Walburga Black once, but he’d nearly wet himself in fear.
“Well, regardless of your mother’s grave or lack thereof,” James sighed, “you can’t fake your death to get out of an award show, that’s quitters talk.”
“Then I’m a quitter!” Sirius said stumbling to stand on the bed, he bounced jostling James and Remus. Thankfully Remus had the sense to pick up the discarded bible and swat at Sirius with it, effectively herding him off the bed and onto the floor. Sirius scowled at Remus before continuing. “Literally everyone ever is going to be there since they’re giving out the fancy award, something about the decade, I don’t know.”
“Artist and band of the decade,” Peter offered helpfully.
“Well, it’s stupid.”
“You’re just mad because Slytherin is nominated for band of the decade as well,” James pointed out.
“Well, first of all, I don’t give a single fuck who wins!” Sirius said with more force than was necessary. “But just saying, they haven’t even been around for a decade have they?”
“Like eight or nine years I think,” James shrugged “but it’s not about that, it’s about the influence you’ve had over the past decade, and you can’t deny they’ve been very influential.”
“Okay, so fine. Even if they win or deserve to win, it’s whatever,” Sirius threw up his arms. “But I haven’t gone nearly thirteen years without seeing my slimy, bigoted, asshole little brother to be forced into the same room as him now!”
James was glad when Remus spoke because he was always best with getting through to Padfoot when he got worked up like this. “You’ve been in rooms with him before,” Remus said calmly. “Many of them, I’m sure. There will be a lot of people there, you’ll be able to avoid him. You know this happens sometimes Pads, it’s a hazard when you work in the same industry. We’ll help you stay away from him.”
Sirius crossed his arms. “Fine, but he copied me, by the way. I was in the industry first.”
“In all fairness, both of you were in bands in school, you started around the same time.”
“Yeah, but we became successful with talent and hard work, all they have is nepotism!”
Peter snorted at that. “We have nepotism too,” he gestured to James who just grinned, he wasn’t ashamed of it, in fact, he was quite proud. His family worked their asses off to become what they were today, starting from nothing and rising to the top. His father had invented one of the best-selling hair products ever, invented! Yes, James was very proud. He never took for granted everything his parents had done for him and the doors that were opened because of their hard work.
“Yeah, we have good nepotism,” Sirius huffed.
“I’m not sure if you’re prepared to begin a debate on whether or not that’s a thing,” Remus said slowly. “So I will let it slide this time. But stop your whining, Slytherin is very talented, you can’t deny that even if your brother is an asshole, but I’m sure you won’t have to see him when there will be thousands of people there.”
“Maybe not,” Sirius begrudgingly agreed. “But if I do see him I’m going to punch him.”
“Literally why?” James groaned
“Because he’s a slimy—”
“Bigoted asshole, yes yes,” James sighed. “But Regulus hasn’t said anything to you in years so please don’t punch him, Lily would actually die.”
“That poor woman had no idea the hell she was in for when she became our manager,” Peter shook his head. “She deserves better than dealing with that fallout.”
“It’s astounding that more than one of you is speaking common sense right now,” Remus remarked. “They’re right Sirius, please no punching.
“I’ll have you know I’m often sensible,” Peter said offendedly.
“Far more often than that lot, at least,” Remus sighed nodding his head towards James and Sirius.
“I’ve got sense,” Sirius protested and the look all three shot him was him cross his arms angrily.
“I’ve never met a person with less common sense than you, Sirius Black,” Remus said tiredly.
“You know, I’d actually argue that while we have varying degrees of common sense, none of us have all that much of it. Even you Remus, the smartest of them all. We may entirely be total idiots,” James mused.
“You didn’t figure that out the time we were thirteen and almost drowned in the lake when we tried to do a prank during the parent's visit?” Peter said folding up his crossword and putting it aside.
“I mean, despite the near-death experience we did pull off the prank, so I’d say it was pretty brilliant actually,” James smiled, remembering the hectic night and rushing back to their dorm in wet clothes in the dead of winter.
“I don’t know why you’re smiling Prongs,” Remus complained. “That wasn’t a fun experience.”
“Just reminiscing on the good times,” he sighed.
There was the beep of a keycard and the door opened to show Lily Evans standing in the doorway. “Boys,” she said sternly, and James immediately sat up, Lily still scared him sometimes. Actually, she scared him all the time, not necessarily because she was scary, while she could be strict, she wasn’t harsh or unforgiving. She was, however, the nicest smartest person James had ever known and he lived in constant fear of letting her down or disappointing her. She’d been with The Marauders for almost the entirety of their career, coming up to them one day and asking boldly: “Do you guys need a manager?”
They had in fact. No matter that Lily Evans was no older than them, still in school with no prior clients. She’d studied entertainment industries as a minor under her chemistry major and after interning with a manager, her heart had been set. When she’d seen The Marauders play at a local show, she said she’d known instantly. She always preached that the path to success is paved with a love for the music, and Lily had adored their band and been the first one to believe in them aside from James’s parents. She’d grown with them.
It’d be nice to say they set out into the world spurred only by a dream and their love for music, but James wasn’t a liar, so he could admit they’d been helped by his parents, who’d always supported James and the other boy’s endeavors. That money made the difference, it allowed them professional studio time, to pay for mixing and mastering, photoshoots, album art, good instruments, equipment, and legal advice. It meant James could focus on music after graduating rather than fighting a minimum-wage job and school like Remus had done for years, coming into rehearsals exhausted to the bone.
Even with all those things and privileges, however, James didn’t believe they would have made it this far without Lily, she was a force to be reckoned with. She gave every bit of her life to their band, traveling with them wherever they went, always by their side. She always had a plan and a backup plan and a backup for the backup plan. So, James really didn’t like disappointing her.
“You do remember you have to meet with your attorney today?”
Sirius’s eyes widened, evidently, he didn’t but the other three quickly nodded.
“Is it online?” Sirius asked worriedly and Lily just sighed.
“Yes, Black, it is online seeing as she’s based in L.A. and we’re currently across the country,”
“Well, Emmeline has come to us before,” Sirius huffed.
“Yes, in emergencies, is there some emergency you need to tell me about?”
“Nope,” James said quickly. “This is just about that copyright dispute, yes?”
“It is,” Lily confirmed. “They probably have no case, you know how it goes. Get famous enough and suddenly every lesser-known artist thinks you’ve ripped off their song, they chase the money.”
“We would never. We have enough talent without stealing from SoundCloud rappers,” Sirius scoffed.
Lily ignored him because Sirius was always on her nerves, James had been like that too once upon a time, especially when he’d believed himself in love with her. However, that had passed eventually and within the past few years, they’d actually become quite good friends. Lily was fond of Sirius of course, but more begrudgingly so than she was of any of the other Marauders.
“Make yourself semi-presentable please,” she said and Sirius’s frown deepened.
“Lils, it’s just Emmeline. She saw me after that leaked sex scandal thing when I was a right wreck. Surely I don’t need to fix my damn hair.”
“Basic respect, Black,” Lily said, and it was a mark of how much even ever-combatant Sirius respected her that he didn’t argue any further.
“Fine,” he huffed. “I’ll fix my hair.” He retreated to the bathroom moodily and Lily just shook her head.
“He’s been a menace today,” Peter remarked to Lily, “was going on about faking his death and punching his brother in the face earlier.”
Lily didn’t even look surprised by this. “Sirius!” She called turning towards the bathroom. “Please do not fake your death or punch anybody!”
“Fine!” he yelled back.
“Okay, James smooth your hair down, Pete you have pen on your face, Rem, you look perfect.”
Peter immediately began rubbing at his face and Remus smiled up at Lily, they’d always had a strange kinship. The two were best friends, something Sirius often got huffy about because The Marauders were his best friends.
James didn’t even bother trying to smooth down his hair, there was no point. He leaned back on the bed glancing towards the TV, the volume was all the way down but the captions were on and James paused as he caught a glance of the news report, of Regulus Black popping up on the screen, something about Slytherin’s new song. James wanted to turn it up, but he heard the sound of Sirius’s footsteps from the bathroom and he reached over, grabbing the remote, and quickly switching the channel just as Sirius reentered, his hair removed from its messy bun and now falling softly. It was going to reach his shoulders soon and James thought if not for the upkeep, he’d let it.
James Potter had a terrible and shameful secret, he didn’t actually hate Regulus Black. Granted he didn’t know Regulus Black, so he wouldn’t feel secure in any hatred regardless of the things Sirius has said. Not with Regulus… but their parents? Sure, of course, James despised them. He’d seen the scars and the evidence of their pain and abuse, but Regulus? Whatever marks he left on Sirius weren’t visible to the eye. They were complex and deep, full of their parents’ crimes.
So no, James didn’t hate Regulus and he didn’t know him, but he didn’t not know him either.
Regulus was there up until Sirius ran away. They went to school together and even when the Black brothers weren’t on great terms, Regulus still lingered. He was always on the outskirts of Sirius’s life, because whatever he said, Sirius never seemed too keen to let go. So, James had seen Regulus Black, watched him for years even though he rarely looked up and spoke even more infrequently. Yet, after classes most days James would go to the music room, and there Regulus would be, they never talked, James learned not to ask questions because Regulus wouldn’t answer, instead they just played. It was a different type of language between them, a way to speak when Regulus looked like it’d kill him to open his mouth.
They did this most days for almost two years and then Sirius ran away one summer, when they went back to school that year, Regulus didn’t return. So, James had never seen him again, and he’d heard the story from Sirius, how he’d stayed back and watched it happen. How he was just like their parents. James couldn’t assume he knew Sirius’s own brother better, but a part of him remembered that small quiet boy from the music room, and he couldn’t help but think that he hadn’t seemed evil, just scared.
Then of course, years later once The Marauders had already begun to hit tentative success, a new band had swept through, instantly taking the world by storm. Slytherin was unique, dark, and a little edgy, full of that glinting star factor that drew people in, with a young Regulus Black and his friends at the front. All terribly bold, enchanting, and attractive. They’d hooked people in with their outward appearance and personas, but quickly amassed a legion of dedicated fans with their gut-wrenching lyrics and unique musicality. James could admit it was impressive, and their music was incredible, if it happened to come on the radio, James never turned it off. He liked hearing Regulus’s voice and lyrics, he liked the ache that seemed to bleed into all his songs. For a boy who’d rarely spoken, he had such a way of delivering his words that James couldn’t turn away. However, James never sought out Slytherin’s music, it felt like a betrayal to Sirius, so he was stuck watching Slytherin and Regulus Black in whatever glimpses he happened to catch in his day-to-day life. A random interview on TV, or maybe a video he didn’t hurry to scroll past. James had learned that Regulus didn’t seem entirely different from who he’d been as a kid. He spoke now, often full of sarcasm and dark wit, he emanated confidence and a certain dark charm that had girls everywhere falling for him. Yet, James noticed that with his bandmates, he had a tendency to listen more than he spoke, falling into the background and letting the others take the lead for the most part. He was very private about his lyrics and whenever pressed about what experiences might have led him to write certain songs, his answer always seemed to be along the same lines. “That’s for you to decide, not me to tell you. It’s music, it’s made to be interpreted.” James liked that. He wasn’t the main lyricist of The Marauders as Regulus seemed to be for Slytherin. The Marauders tended to work together on a lot of songs, but it was most often that James or Remus came up with songs they’d written, and the public always seemed to latch onto which ones James had written, constantly drilling him on them. Out of all of his bandmates, James had never had a public relationship. Even Remus, who rarely dated had one relationship that’d been partly in the public eyes (much to his dismay), but James never had. James’s lack of partners led to all sorts of crazy rumors, the most popular being that James had been secretly married for ten years with secret children and anything. The truth was much more pitiful. It was that James had spent years taking care of everyone around him, he’d focused on Sirius while he struggle with his family and past substance abuse, focused on Remus whenever he was struggling with his chronic illness, focused on Peter when he’d had a breakdown due to low self-esteem. Every moment that he wasn’t giving his attention to his bandmates, he’d been focused on some far-fetched unrealistic idea of Lily.
James was a romantic, he wanted a nice little house, a garden, and four kids with someone he’d wake up every day with, just as in love as ever. He wanted to look at them when he was eighty and feel exactly the same as he had years prior. He wanted a forever, someone who was his everything and who felt the same about him. The thing was, with his lifestyle, that wasn’t really viable. As beautiful and wonderful as Lily was, James was far enough years past his senseless infatuation that he could recognize it’d probably stemmed partly from the fact that she would have been perfect for that. She was always with them, living the same crazy life, present for every moment. She got it, she was there. The only other option was dating a bandmate which was off the table. Peter was terribly straight, and Sirius and Remus had been in love with each other for nearly fifteen years, not that they seemed to realize that, but James had long accepted that was something the two of them needed to work out for themselves.
So really, James Potter was prospectless, he wasn’t interested in casually dating at this point in his life, and even with other celebrities, he didn’t see them being able to keep up with his life and build the sort of deep relationship he wanted when they had their own responsibilities. Plus, it was pretty hard to make real friends in the industry, James had a couple, but mostly he stuck with his bandmates and team like Lily. James was content with them; he loved his friends more than anything and his mother assured him there was still time to find love. No matter that James was already twenty-eight and as he crept closer to his thirties he feared he was running out of time. Maybe love wasn’t in the cards for James Potter. He’d tried very hard to accept this, but the thought put a deep gnawing ache in the pit of his stomach. His parents had found each other and fallen head over heels in love by the time they were eighteen spending years of romantic bliss together before James was born and as they put it, their lives were entirely complete. James had always thought he’d get that, but with every year that passed, he felt more disheartened.
With a sigh, James turned the TV back up, flipping channels aimlessly. Their meeting with Emmeline had gone just as James expected and not long after the other Marauders had begged off to go do whatever it was they wanted, in Peter's case probably sleep, and Sirius and Remus… who knew? Probably to go sit in a room and ignore their sexual tension as per usual.
James was left alone in his quiet hotel room, and he was determined to relax a little before their hectic day tomorrow. James stopped on a gossip channel as he caught sight of Regulus’s face. The people on screen were sat around a round table, debating heatedly the nuances of Regulus Black and Emma Vanity’s breakup, apparently ‘new details’ had come to light and Emma was seeing someone new. James thought it was stupid because as he recalled, they’d broken up months ago now. He just paused, taking in every detail of the picture they’d put on screen. Regulus was alongside Emma on a red carpet of some sort, his arm around her waist. She looked stunning, long brown hair tumbling down her back and a slight smile on her red lips. Regulus however was something else. He wasn’t smiling at the camera, his eyes were dark, his hair curling perfectly around his ears, high cheekbones clear and sharp against the backdrop. James wasn’t sure what it was about the photo, because yes, Regulus looked amazing, but so did Emma. It wasn’t that, it was something in his gaze, the intensity of it. The way even from a distance, James could make out the storm hidden within. He remembered those eyes, the way if James did something particularly well during their days spent in the music room Regulus would look up, eyes wide, the possibility swirling in their grey depths. Sometimes he’d even speak, just three words. “Play that again,” James of course would, if Regulus ever deigned to speak, James would do anything he said. Most of the time, however, he’d just nod his head and James would know what it meant. James wondered what it would be like to see Regulus’s eyes up close now, if the same swirling storm would be hidden in their depths or if he’d only look at James blankly, barely remembering the boy he’d made music with as a teenager.
As the women on the TV began to discuss cheating rumors about Emma Vanity, James changed the channel, trying to erase any traces of Regulus Black from his thoughts. Regulus had left Sirius to rot, had refused to leave when he’d had the chance, happy to stay with his twisted parents. Regulus had no doubt benefited from their cruelty if his rise to fame had anything to say about it. So, James wasn’t going to think about who Regulus Black may or may not have been, that wasn’t his problem.
Notes:
Hi.
Four days ago I randomly started writing just to give myself a break from anti-hero my other jegulus fic (dw I'm still working on it). I've not been doing the best mentally and wanted to have a little fun, maybe 20k words of a fun band au. Now four days later I have 60k words of celebrity jegulus and band banter.
I actually study music and music business in college and I've seen so many terribly inaccurate portrayals (which honestly is expected and fine) of how the music industry works I wanted to put some of my knowledge to use. I think it's a little funny whenever a band gets signed or something in a fic without an attorney or anything, like pls someone look at that contract I beg you. However, please remember none of this is practical knowledge, only what I've learned from classes. I'm no official source on how any of this works and it's fiction at the end of the day.
ALSO one of my least favorite things is when a band AU uses lyrics and it's like a Harry Styles song, it just pulls me out of the fic.So taking these personal preferences I decided to write a fic with semi-accurate knowledge of the music business and my own lyrics which I wrote just for this. Little known fact, I wrote songs before I ever started writing fiction and it was my main focus of writing for many years. I'm even using some of my mediocre music theory knowledge here, but I try to avoid it because I want this to be consumable for everyone even if you know nothing of music.
Enjoy!
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
“… and Regulus, you dodge any questions about Emma,” Mary was instructing strictly. “Now she’s announced her new relationship they’ll be back on you like vultures.”
Regulus just raised an eyebrow and Barty leaned forward. “Mary, Regulus dodges every question about anything,” he pointed out. “I don’t that’s going to be an issue.”
“It never hurts you reiterate,” she raised an eyebrow. “And that applies to all of you,” she said sternly. “Not a word about the breakup, put all that media training to good use for the love of god. Evan, don’t think I’ve forgotten about that fiasco with Barty’s ex.”
“Yeah because Barty’s ex was a piece of shit,” Evan protested.
“And you can defend your boyfriend when you’re not on live television,”
“He wasn’t my boyfriend at the time,” Evan said crossing his arms.
“I’m still not your boyfriend,” Barty cut in, but they all ignored him because as much as the two insisted they weren’t dating, they technically lived together, slept in the same bed, made out, had sex, and went on dates. They were dating whether they would admit it or not.
“We’ll be on our best behavior,” Pandora said breezily, putting a hand on Barty and pushing him to lean back in his seat as the car stopped suddenly, the sound of New York City traffic blaring outside.
“I know you will Pandora,” Mary said. “It’s the rest of them I’m worried about. Or actually, it’s Barty and Evan I worry about.” Their manager shot the two a stern look and Barty instantly stopped in whatever he was doing which seemed to involve poking Evan incessantly in the ribs. “As long as Regulus doesn’t choose this to be one of his rare days when he decides to bite a reporter’s head off or pull a stunt, I trust the two of you to handle yourself with grace.”
“I have grace,” Evan huffed. “Barty is the real problem,”
“I am,” Barty grinned.
“He is,” Mary agreed, “and he’s your problem which turns you into a problem by association.”
“I’m not Evan’s anything, I hate Evan.”
“He does,” Evan agreed, and Regulus just rolled his eyes because he’d caught the two this morning, on the hotel suite’s couch, Barty’s head tucked into Evan’s chest. Evan had been smiling fondly, curling Barty’s hair around his finger while the other man slept soundly.
“Don’t roll your eyes Reg,” Pandora reached across to pat him on the shoulder. “They’ll get stuck.”
Regulus rolled them again just to spite her.
Before any bickering could start the driver turned around to let them know that they were approaching the venue and Mary quickly set about looking them over to make sure they looked perfect, with no smudged makeup or clothing mishaps.
“How do you feel about the performance, Reg?” Mary asked after she deemed them all acceptable.
Regulus just frowned, he hadn’t liked Mary for a long time. She was the opposite of him in every way brash, bold, and unable to shut her mouth. Somehow in her years managing them, she'd grown on him, though he’d never admit it. Now, Regulus was considering going back to hating her.
“I feel fine, why? Should I not?”
“Because you’ve never performed this song live,” Mary said calmly, immune to his glare by now.
“Yes, but it’s huge, it's the one everyone is talking about. It’s what they want to hear.”
“Yes, it’s just a little… revealing, provocative?”
“Nobody has media literacy these days,” Regulus shrugged. “It’s just a song.”
“The rehearsal went really well this morning,” Pandora cut in knowing a brewing fight when she saw one. “'Antithesis' is probably one of our best-ever songs, I mean, as soon as Reg brought it into the studio months ago we knew it’d be our lead single.”
“I know,” Mary said. “I’m not getting on your brilliance, I just want to be sure Regulus is comfortable.”
“I’m fine,” Regulus said, trying to put enough finality into the words to end the conversation.
Thankfully their car came to a stop at that moment because Mary had never known when to stop pushing him and they no doubt would have argued despite Pandora’s attempts to diffuse the situation. In an instant they all straightened, everything else falling away. Moments later the car door was being opened and they piled out onto the carpet, the scream of fans and flashes of cameras rose around them. The first time they’d walked a red carpet, Evan had nearly thrown up at the noise, now they were seasoned pros, stopping to chat and smile with the appropriate amount of fans before letting themselves be whisked off to have their pictures taken. Regulus only breathed once they were through the walls of cameras stepping away from the backdrop and into the shadows.
“Slytherin!” Regulus stiffened but relaxed as soon as he realized who was coming over, grabbing Mary’s hand and tugging at her staff badge as she smiled at them.
“Marlene,” Mary groaned shrugging her friend off.
“Hi honey,” Pandora smiled, leaning in to give her an air kiss, careful not to mess up either of their makeup.
“I wish you’d brought your girlfriend,” Barty complained in lieu of a greeting. “I’m bored.”
“Dorcas didn’t want to come,” Marlene shrugged. “I didn’t want to come,” she scrunched up her nose, tugging absentmindedly at her septum piercing. “But you all look hot,”
“You look hot too, Marlene,” Evan told her, ignoring the glare Barty shot at him over that.
There was a yell and someone waving their hands wildly, Marlene frowned. “Oops, that’s my publicist, I ran away. I’ll see you guys later. Are you going to the afterparty The Prophet is hosting?”
“No,” Regulus said at the same time as the rest of them said yes. They all turned on him at once accusingly.
“He’s going,” Mary sighed. “It may take an army to get everyone there, but they will be there.”
“Good, okay love you babes, I’m excited to hear your performance. I listened to the single, you and Dorcas are fucking geniuses.”
Regulus had once disliked Marlene almost as much as Mary, but she was Dorcas’s girlfriend and Dorcas hadn’t stood for it. She’d sat Regulus down and threatened him violently until he’d agreed to give Marlene a chance. Unlike Mary, Regulus actually got along with Marlene more often than not, they both had a secret love for hockey, and it was surprising to find they’d both turned down the chance to play pro for music. Or well, technically only Marlene had, Regulus had lost that chance as soon as he left home, he was never going to go to college much less the NHL, and he’d left school in Canada to return to America, and then eventually ended up in California (and to Los Angeles of all places). The dream had died as soon as he’d realized he’d never learn how to be what his parents wanted him to be. Regulus had always loved music more, Hockey was more something he did for his parents, but he loved it. It was a way to prove himself, every win was proof that he deserved to be a Black, that he was a good heir, that he was trying. Sirius had stopped playing at thirteen, he’d never even liked it and he’d scoffed at Regulus for his passion. As if just because their father was a retired hockey player, Regulus was aligning himself with their beliefs by enjoying it as well. It wasn’t true, sure he liked the approval from his father, but he’d liked the sport as well. However it was a long-dead dream, Orion Black still had a huge sway over the professional Hockey world, retirement or not, he put funds into it and manipulated decisions with his name and money. Even if Regulus had tried, his father never would have let him succeed after he’d turned his back on the Black empire.
Marlene didn’t know the details of that, however, just that he’d played and been on track to go pro but hadn’t. Still, it had created a bond between them, one that Dorcas very much appreciated, so Regulus let Marlene squeeze his shoulder as she quickly departed when most people would have wound up flipped on their ass for touching him.
Mary led Slytherin on their way to do some interviews and a couple of shots for their social media, and some last details and confirmations about their performance before finally, they made it to their seats. Now came the waiting part, at least Regulus could deal with that, it involved less forced social interaction. He could let his bandmates do most of the talking with their peers and acquaintances, simply nodding and shaking hands when it was necessary.
A few people approached them, congratulating them on their nomination, and complimenting their looks. Mary kept looking up from her phone, ready to step in if anyone crossed any lines. Thankfully, there was no drama.
Mary was furiously texting one of the stage managers and Regulus tried not to look over at her phone, he didn’t want to know what the problem was. He’d learned by now to trust Mary, she knew how to resolve a problem and if there was trouble, she’d let them know if it’d interfere with them. It was better sometimes to not know rather than let it stress him out.
Eventually, Mary put her phone away and Regulus figured she’d dealt with whatever it was. No longer occupied by watching her, Regulus was bored. Judging by the way, Barty’s knee was bouncing to his left, he was too. Normally, Evan would reach out to grab his knee, but at a show like this everything they did was being watched and instead, he simply nudged Barty’s foot with his own and the other man paused in his fidgeting.
The thing nobody told you about these award shows was that it was really just a lot of waiting. They were made to be televised not really for the actual guests, so it was terribly exhausting. Finally, the show was kicked into motion and Regulus watched the host address the cameras, smiling far too widely. Regulus clapped when it was appropriate but hardly smiled, he’d long ago cemented himself as not doing so. Barty took great delight in showing Regulus video compilations titled things like “regulus black giving his resting bitch face for nine minutes straight”. Barty thought it was hilarious because as he liked to say, Regulus didn’t have a ‘resting bitch face’ he was just a bitch. Regulus couldn’t really deny that, but he was happy with the expectation that he rarely smiled. That way if he failed to laugh or smile and one of the crowd cameras caught him, they couldn’t make a new article about how Regulus must have secretly hated the celebrity who’d won, and so on. Because, well, Regulus didn’t smile at much of anything, so how could failing to smile be a result of hatred? The truth was, he really did hate quite a few celebrities, in fact, he hated most people.
Eventually, after a few grueling hours of painful performances, and a just few that were actually quite good, they were ushered to the dressing rooms to begin preparing for their performance. Their stylist was already waiting to help them through their outfit changes and in Pandora’s case, a hair stylist to change her updo into something a little wilder and in tune with their on-stage personas.
Regulus wasn’t nervous about the performance, he wasn’t nervous about whether or not they’d win band of the decade. He wasn’t even nervous about singing a song that was so much more personal than he usually liked their singles to be. No, what he was nervous about was the fact that somewhere out there in the crowd, was the person he’d written it about.
He tried not to pay attention to Sirius, which was difficult when he was part of one of the biggest bands in the world. It was unavoidable that they’d sometimes end up in the same place, but Regulus had done a very good job of never thinking about his brother more often than he had to. Except when he was writing, of course, he hated to admit how many songs he’d written about Sirius, but he’d never released one before. Not one that was so explicitly about him at least. Regulus didn’t think his brother listened to his music, he didn’t think he watched or even gave a single fuck about Regulus. But what might he think when he couldn’t look away, couldn’t ignore the words Regulus was singing? Would Sirius hate him for it? Or hate him more, Regulus supposed. His brother had every chance to reach out, but he hadn’t. It was clear how Sirius felt.
As the lights went dark and they waited for the go-ahead to take their places, they all linked hands, forming a circle and letting their heads fall together. Just breathing in once and then twice as was tradition, before letting go. The members of Slytherin gave each other a lot of shit, aside from Pandora they were all emotionally stunted. They rarely expressed their affection in anything aside from bickering and harsh retorts, but the moment right before a show, when they all huddled together, just existing in one another’s space for a moment, was sacred. It was a mark of how well his friends knew him that as they were pulling apart, Barty the most difficult and unaffectionate person on the planet, kissed Regulus quickly on the cheek in a sign of support.
“Let’s kill it,” Evan whispered, and Regulus let out a deep breath. They knew he was nervous; they knew this song was about Sirius and how terrifying it was that he was out there in the crowd somewhere.
Then someone was pushing them forward, and they were putting in their in-ear pieces and straightening as they found their places. Regulus was playing piano tonight so he didn’t have to worry about his instrument, finding his place and letting his hands find their place on the keys, back straight, foot hovering over the pedal as he listened for his cue. He heard his mother’s voice in his head as he often did when he sat down at a piano, urging him to put his chin up, to sit straighter. As the pitch darkness of the stage slowly brightened, lighting up only the piano around him, Regulus played the opening note, letting it drown out his mother’s voice. It echoed through the venue, just one sustained note, and Regulus felt like the whole world was holding its breath.
He lifted his foot from the pedal, letting the next note follow and then another, a looping and complex piano melody. Drawing inspiration from some of his favorite classical compositions, he started off slow, letting it come like the ebb and flow of the tide. Regulus let it build, getting bigger and louder until the first note of Pandora’s bassline came in, and, boom. There it was, the breath, the intensity of the music rushing through the room as the rest of the band came in, Barty’s guitar, Evan’s drums. Regulus didn’t think of his brother, didn’t think about anything but the breath he’d shared with his bandmates just minutes before, they were his family. This was just a song, just an old ache that sometimes begged to be acknowledged. Regulus didn’t want to tonight, so he’d sing, he’d say the words and pretend they didn’t mean anything.
“If you run I don’t
And if you fight I’ll give
If I inherit their souls
Then you’ll never learn let me live.”
Regulus didn’t think about his brother, somewhere in the darkness of the crowd. He decided to pretend he wasn’t there, that Regulus was lucky enough that Sirius had gotten up to go to the bathroom for his performance and he’d never hear the parts of Regulus that were still bitter and angry.
“I followed in your footsteps
Not really my intent
If I was sixteen left on a doorstep
Then that must be how you felt
Test me in the swimming pool
If you jump so do I
When you give I fold
If you tell the truth I’ll lie.”
The music slowed, everything falling out except the piano and the steady thrum of Evan's drums. Regulus looked up slightly meeting Pandora’s eyes, she smiled, Regulus didn’t smile back. She didn’t need him to. Regulus played the next notes, keeping his eyes on her, banging out the next part with such intensity he thought he might feel the keys crack under his hands, they jumped into the chorus, all of them together, on Regulus’s side no matter what.
“You made me in your image
To be your antithesis
Taught me to clasp my hands
And at night pray to Jesus
But he wasn’t listening
He didn’t say a word
If those nights he was watching
He wanted us to burn.
I’m your antithesis…”
--
James was sharing a wide-eyed look with Peter and Remus as Sirius didn’t move, shoulders tense, eyes fixed on the stage where his brother played beautifully, like there was nothing more in the world except his piano and the people on the stage behind him. The song was great, it was touching and heart-wrenching. Regulus’s piano composition was intense and skilled, showing a clear long-term education on the instrument. It was incredible, it was also one hundred percent about Sirius.
“You made me in your image
To be your antithesis
Taught me to clasp my hands
And at night pray to Jesus
What if I was just a kid
But you’re good and I’m your antithesis
So I am ugly, ruined, and bad.
I am the crimes of our parents
And the blood on your hands.”
Sirius looked like he was about the throw up as soon as the line left Regulus’s mouth, ‘I am the crime of our parents…’ Jesus Christ, it was undeniable, who it was about. Everyone knew Sirius and Regulus were estranged brothers. Sirius had publicly denounced the Black family at every chance he got while Regulus had never said a word, refusing to speak if the topic of his brother or parents were brought up. He never spoke out against their values, acted as if he never even had a brother at all.
James knew this would be all over the media by tomorrow, if people hadn’t already caught onto the song’s meaning, they would if the cameras caught the look on Sirius's face and James quickly nudged his best friend. Tearing his eyes from the stage Sirius immediately understood the look James was giving him and forced the pained look off his face, leaning back in his seat in an attempt to look casual.
“But wasn’t I just a kid?
Until you made me your antithesis.”
The last line rang through the room and the piano cut out and Pandora Lovegood’s bassline echoed powerfully in the absence of the other instruments before fading away. It ended on the leading tone, the note just below the tonic of the key which would have left the music sounding complete and final. Instead, the unsettling note left the room on edge, waiting for more. When nothing came there was a moment of tense silence before everyone seemed to realize it was over and a roar of applause rang throughout the room.
Pandora nodded her head smiling, and even Evan Rosier had a faint smile for the crowd, Regulus didn’t smile, just looked up into the lights as if he wished they would swallow him before the stage went dark.
Sirius didn’t say a word for the rest of the show, even when they lost for band of the decade to some huge K-pop band instead, none of them even cared. They were too busy holding their breath, waiting for the floor to crack.
After the show, as they got into the car where Lily was waiting she reached out squeezing Sirius’s knee. “Alright, Black?”
She was the first one to dare to push Sirius on it, normally Remus had no problem being harsh with Sirius but something about this felt particularly delicate.
Sirius looked up. “I want to get horribly and miserably drunk,” he mumbled, and immediately everyone stiffened.
See, Sirius was an alcoholic, a sober one for the past five years, but an alcoholic, nonetheless.
“Sirius and I will skip the afterparty,” Remus said after a moment.
“No, Moony,” Sirius said quickly. “I’ll go back to the hotel, you don’t need to miss it too.”
“Don’t be stupid Pads, you know I hate parties. Plus, I’m feeling a little wiped,” Sirius’s expression softened slightly at that, Remus never admitted when his illness was getting to him, so saying he was tired was an understatement, it actually meant he felt fucking terrible. “I was planning on begging out anyway. Come with me, we can order room service and watch those bad reality TV shows you love,”
“Can I sleep in your room?” Sirius asked hopefully, and James wanted to scream over how oblivious they were.
“Course,” Remus smiled lightly.
When they went their separate ways, Sirius and Remus to the hotel, and Peter and James to the party, if James hugged Sirius a little longer than usual that was no one’s business.
“Love you Prongs,” Sirius mumbled into his shoulders.
“I love you Pads, more than literally anything and everything ever. You are the most incredible human being on all of planet earth.”
Sirius grinned slightly. “Nah, that’s you.”
They shared a look for a moment as they pulled away before looking to Remus and shaking their heads. “Yeah, actually that’s Moony,” James corrected and Sirius just laughed, they were always on the same wavelength.
“Course it is, but we’re close seconds.”
“Is Pete above us?” James wondered.
Sirius sighed. “Probably.”
“Well, the third best people in the entire world, that’s not so bad,” James mused before frowning. “Oh- though maybe fourth, Lily probably deserves a place above us.”
“Actually,” Sirius said, "fuck them all we are number one.”
“Except for Moony.”
“Except—” Sirius cut himself off. “No, no you know what? Prongs, let’s just say we’re the best or we will spiral down this hole forever. We’re too hot and talented to be anything less.”
“You’re right we are so hot and so talented.”
“Good, then we’re in agreement.”
“You two are in agreement about pretty much everything,” Remus rolled his eyes. “You share one brain cell, stop acting like fools or I’ll leave you behind, Padfoot, and watch my own shows, no reality TV for you.”
Sirius gasped dramatically. “Moony, Moons, Moonbeam, light of my fucking life, James and I share at least two brain cells!”
James just laughed as Remus rolled his eyes and they set off, Sirius chattering after him.
“Those two need to fuck before I kill myself,” Peter complained, and James just shook his head.
“In their own time, Pete, they’ll figure it out eventually.”
“It’s been fifteen years,” he said as they got back into the car. “At this point they won’t realize until they’re ninety-nine and on their deathbeds.”
“Ambitious to assume Sirius is going to live that long, sometimes I’m surprised he even manages to make breakfast in the morning without setting himself on fire.”
“He doesn’t,” Peter sighed. “Didn’t he literally light the kitchen on fire last week?”
“Okay… maybe, but Moony was there to put it out.”
“Exactly,” Peter grinned, “I think Remus will keep him alive that long.”
“Point taken,” James shrugged, leaning back to look out the tinted windows and watch the city go by around him. He’d always liked New York, now mind you he’d never want to live there, but in all honesty, he didn’t really want to live in L.A. either. He always imagined going somewhere quiet, like where he’d been raised. Close enough to a city to always have something to do but far enough that there was land, a big backyard for kids to play freely, lots of trees, and open space. James had many fond memories of his childhood home and the endless expanse of property they’d had out in the middle of nowhere.
As the car stopped at their destination, James straightened, jumping out of the car with ease and a careless smile for the camera as he and Pete stepped inside. They were escorted into the building and immediately met with the thumping bass from the music inside and flashing lights painting the vast room a hundred different colors. They were quickly approached by many different people, all congratulating them on the award they did win and sympathizing with The Marauders' loss of band of the decade. Frankly, James didn’t much care about losing the award, it didn’t mean much to him. He knew what they’d done over the past decade, how their music had changed and influenced the music scene. He was proud of everything they’d accomplished and didn’t feel the need for an award to commemorate it. Still, he accepted their condolences with a smile, sure to let them know that he thought the band who did win greatly deserved it. He and Peter made their rounds before finally they were freed enough to grab a drink and Peter disappeared somewhere in the crowd. James took the chance to sit down for a moment, he didn’t mind the social interaction so much, in fact in most cases he actually enjoyed it. He liked talking to different types of people and getting to know them but even James Potter was capable of running a little low on his social battery at times.
He sipped his drink, looking around the room. His eyes stopped on a figure in the corner, heart jumping in his throat. Suddenly James was very, very glad that Sirius had stayed home because it seemed that Regulus Black had been invited to the same afterparty. He was standing alongside Marlene McKinnon who was gesturing to the bartender wildly and then to the TV overhead. The bartender seemed highly amused and after a moment, nodded, grabbing the remote and switching the channel to a hockey game. Both Marlene and Regulus leaned forward to watch the TV intensely, eyes fixed on the screen.
Huh, Regulus liked hockey? James knew that Marlene adored it, she’d almost played professionally until she chose her budding music career instead.
Until that moment James had almost forgotten that Regulus had played too. Sirius had but he’d absolutely hated it and for some reason, James had never really considered whether or not Regulus felt the same. Now that he thought about it, however, James was pretty sure he remembered Sirius mentioned Regulus playing seriously and something about their father wanting the younger Black to go to the NHL. In fact, James could vaguely picture a hockey bag, always sitting in the corner of the music room whenever James visited. Regulus must have practiced every day after classes, but James had never really thought about it.
James’s attention was torn from Regulus when Frank Longbottom approached him, smiling brightly and they fell into conversation. Frank was one of those people that James had known since he was a nobody playing bars and small venues and he’d always retained a special bond with Frank. They talked for hours, later joined by Alice his wife, and by the time James looked back over at the spot near the TV, the game was over, and Regulus was gone. James wasn’t entirely sure why he felt mildly disappointed that he could no longer watch the younger Black. He decided not to dwell on that, instead turning back to his friends and taking another sip of his drink, Regulus Black was not James’s business.
--
Regulus was having a truly terrible night. He hated parties, he hated people, he hated rich people specifically (which yes, he was aware was insanely hypocritical) and some girl had been bragging about her custom designer dress for fifty minutes now. Regulus was sure his ears were about to begin bleeding, even as Pandora and Marlene nodded along politely.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Regulus muttered turning quickly. He knew Pandora was aware that he was making his getaway, but she didn’t stop him, and Barty and Evan were nowhere to be seen.
The hall was much quieter, and a security guard just nodded as Regulus passed through, the heavy thump of the bass becoming more muted with each step. He didn’t realize how suffocatingly hot it’d been in there until he was outside and suddenly he could breathe again.
Thankfully the bathroom was quiet, devoid of any couples trying to discreetly hook up, which never went in their favor and Regulus headed to the sink. He turned on the water and let it run for a moment before wetting his hands and rubbing them over his face. His cheeks were flushed still from the heat inside the party and the cool water felt nice. He turned to grab a towel to wipe his mascara away, paying no mind to the sound of the door opening. He squeezed his eyes shut, wiping carefully before any water could drip into his eyes, he blinked, vision a little blurry and then stepped forward, proceeding to barrel headfirst into a solid chest. The man instantly reached out to steady him as they both hit the wall and Regulus barely had time to register the pair of glasses clutched in the man’s hand as he grabbed Regulus’s shoulder.
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. Didn’t mean to hit into you, I’m entirely blind without my glasses," the man said apologetically, and Regulus froze. When no answer came, one of his hands let go of Regulus fumbling for his glasses and Regulus looked up just as James Potter pushed his glasses back on his face freezing just the same as their eyes met.
They just stood there for a moment far too long, caught in one another’s gaze. James’s eyes were the same brown as Regulus remembered from school, warm and inviting. Oh, and how Regulus hated that. The feeling, the same one he’d had as a stupid teenager, like he could dive into James Potter’s eyes and get lost in them. And now, at twenty-seven, no longer in denial about the fact that he was terribly gay, Regulus realized with horror that he’d most definitely had a dumb crush on his brother’s best friend. His brother’s best friend who was now staring down at him with wide eyes… and wow, he had gotten even taller and that was bad because his chest was firm and warm, his hand soft where it was still on Regulus’s arm. Okay, yes, Regulus was definitely slightly attracted to James Potter, that wasn’t good.
He stepped back and James seemed to realize he was still holding onto Regulus and quickly let go clearing his throat. “Uh, sorry, again," he said awkwardly.
“It’s fine,” Regulus said balling up the towel he was still holding and turning to throw it in the trash. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”
James seemed shocked to hear him speak, and it took Regulus a minute to realize that was probably because Regulus had never really spoken to him before. They’d spent time together as children, but Regulus was mostly mute for half of his childhood, he didn’t think he’d ever exchanged more than a word or two with James, though the other boy never seemed to mind despite his own incessant rambling. He’d always seemed strangely content just to sit with Regulus and make music together.
“Right…” James said slowly, his eyes flicking over Regulus’s face. “Um- you have,” he gestured at his own eye, “makeup.”
Regulus frowned turning to look at his reflection, sure enough, there was a little bit of mascara smeared under his eye and he licked his finger rubbing it away. He tried not to notice the way James’s eyes seemed to track the movement in the mirror. Regulus couldn’t get all of the makeup off without soap or makeup remover and he sighed, deigning it good enough.
“Whatever,” he muttered. “Maybe they’ll see it and think I was crying over Emma’s new relationship.” He didn’t really intend to speak to James, the comment had been thoughtless, more to himself than anything else but to Regulus’s surprise, James snorted.
“Do you want to bait the media?” he asked raising his eyebrows and Regulus glanced up to meet his eyes in the mirror.
“Gotta have a little fun sometimes, I think you’re missing out.”
“Missing out?”
Regulus spun to face James, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest at the other man’s presence. “Yes, if I were you I’d put a ring on a chain, hide it under your shirt and then let it get photographed, act like it was an accident, and quickly hide it again. You’d have the world running around like chickens with their heads cut off.”
James blinked at him in confusion for a minute before understanding dawned on his face. “Oh god, you mean because of the secret marriage rumor?” he laughed. “Jesus, yes that’d certainly be a stunt, but I think my manager would murder me.”
“Well, you just have to convince them afterward that it’s good publicity, do it when you have music coming out. Put a song that implies some sort of marriage or secret relationship on the album and watch everyone go crazy over it.”
“Still, I think Lily would kill me, but who knows, she secretly likes a good trick.”
“Lily Evans is your manager?” Regulus asked.
James paused. “Yeah,” he said in surprise. “How’d you know that?”
“Oh, Mary fucking hates her guts,” Regulus shrugged. “Something about how Evans stole a festival slot or something from her. Dunno, not my problem. But Mary is a menace, if I survived this long pulling stunts with Mary Macdonald as a manager, I’m sure you can survive Evans.”
“Hm, well, if we ever get desperate enough for publicity I’ll consider it,” James grinned. Regulus just nodded and James quickly continued. “I liked your performance tonight, it was beautiful. And gosh, it was cool how the last note never resolved. Left it feeling very uneasy and with the lyrics...” James trailed off suddenly. seeming to realize who he was talking too.
Regulus swallowed, he knew James must have seen the way Regulus stiffened, but he didn’t comment. “Thanks,” Regulus muttered.
Fuck, if James had seen the performance then Sirius definitely had, and if James was here that meant Sirius must have been too. All the anxiety Regulus had been pushing back from earlier was suddenly rushing over him
“Uh, he’s not here if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Regulus froze, no fucking way. Could James Potter read his mind? “What?”
“Sirius,” James said quietly, “he isn’t here.”
Regulus was speaking before he intended to. That was the thing about talking, why Regulus frequently chose to stay silent because when he decided to speak he often felt himself losing control. “What did he think of the song?”
James paused and Regulus was surprised he seemed to be seriously considering the question. “I don’t know what he was thinking, regardless of what people say we don’t actually share one brain cell. But he seemed confused, upset I guess. I don’t know, maybe you should talk to him—”
“No,” Regulus said quickly. “Sorry for bumping into you.” He was pushing past James and out into the hall before the other man could even say a word.
Regulus didn’t breathe until he was getting into the car without a word to his driver and speeding away from the building where James Potter was still incredibly attractive. But, no. No, no, no. He wasn’t attractive enough to warrant the baggage that came with wanting to fuck his estranged brother’s best friend. Not that it even mattered because Regulus was still way too deep in the closet, and James would never want him anyway. He was a straight boy for fucks sake and Regulus wasn’t about to let a silly childhood crush ruin him. Nope, absolutely not, he wasn’t going to think about James Potter ever. If he was lucky, maybe they’d never run into each other again. It’d taken nine years of them both in the same business and running in very similar circles to wind up face to face, what were the odds it’d happen again?
--
James couldn’t stop thinking about Regulus Black.
He was fucked, well, and truly fucked.
For many years, James had never sought out any information about Regulus, hadn’t actively listened to his music, or looked him up. The urge had been there, but James had resisted.
He always resisted until suddenly all he could think about was the way Regulus’s fingers had danced across the piano, the timbre of his voice as he sang, his dry humor, the feeling of his arm under James’s finger. His eyes, just as dark and stormy as ever, like James might drown in them, and oh shit, just for a moment in the bathroom, James had wanted to. But no, no James was not a weak man.
He wouldn’t give in, that was what he told himself even as a typed Slytherin’s name into his Spotify search bar, even as he tapped on their page scrolling down to their most recent release "Antithesis". Surely it was fine if James listened to it, he’d already heard it after all, he’d seen the entire performance, and listening once was no harm.
It was different to hear the polished version of the song versus the live version, but still, it didn’t lose any of its magic as songs sometimes did when they were taken to production. It was still just as raw and intense, Regulus’s voice filled with old anguish as he sang “But wasn’t I just a kid?”
And maybe James actually listened to the song on repeat the entire night, maybe he went to sleep with it on and woke up with it still playing, but he didn’t listen to any of Slytherin’s other songs. He didn’t look up Regulus’s Instagram or google his name, so really James considered it a win.
The next day, James resolved to push any thought of Regulus from his mind. He met up with Sirius, Remus, and Lily for lunch (Peter was violently hungover and had begged off) and did his best not to think about his strange night. He didn’t bring up bumping into Regulus to Sirius because his friend seemed back to normal, leaning into Remus's side. Sirius was smiling and James didn’t want to do anything to disturb his mood, not when he’d gone as far as to mention drinking the night before. Sirius had gone through hell to get sober, he’d been in and out of rehabs, going through programs just to fall back in when he couldn’t cope. It took far too many scares and tears before it finally stuck, now Sirius had been sober for years and the idea of him ever going back terrified James.
He knew it was selfish, but Sirius’s alcohol problem had been hard on James too. He tried not to think about that because he felt guilty. Yeah, James was the one chasing him around and picking him up from random parties and shady street corners in the middle of the night. Sure, James was the one who had to take him to the hospital when Sirius got alcohol poisoning and held him while he cried that he wished he could just give up. But James had no right to feel bad about that, not when Sirius was the one going through it. James was good, he’d had a good life, a good family, good friends, and support system. He’d never know what it was like to go through what Sirius or Remus had. Even Peter for that matter, who didn’t have quite the tragic pasts Sirius and Remus did, had still dealt with an anxiety disorder and the death of his mother. Nothing bad had ever happened to James, so he had no right to complain that their hardships were hard on them. James was good, so he was there for his friends, supporting them every step of the way and they never had to worry about him. So no, James definitely wasn’t going to tell Sirius about his run-in with Regulus, even though he wished he could tell somebody, he didn’t want to make things worse for his friend.
“Marlene isn’t coming, is she?” Remus asked, pushing his food around his plate in a way that told James he still wasn’t feeling great.
“No,” Lily sighed. “She said she’s busy, but she’ll come by tomorrow. I’m not passing up the chance to see her while we’re in New York, too many tourist things we've got to do together.”
James wondered if any of them knew Marlene was friends with Regulus, or maybe she wasn’t. Maybe even though they’d been sitting together yesterday they were simply acquaintances. James had never heard Marlene mention Regulus before, though it was possible she knew it was wise not to do so in front of Sirius.
“Tell her to bring her girlfriend,” Sirius said sitting up. “I’ve still never met her.”
“Yeah because you didn’t come to the last party we had, Pads,” James prodded his best friend.
“You knew I had a thing when you planned it,” Sirius grumbled.
“I did, but it was the only day that worked for everyone else, so I had to make a sacrifice.”
“The world doesn’t revolve around you Sirius,” Remus remarked and Sirius frowned shoving him lightly.
“Dorcas is great,” Lily cut in before the two could break into what was sure to be a proper fight with the way Sirius was glaring.
“She’s a producer right?” James asked. “I still don’t know her very well, we only got to talk for a moment. They’ve been dating for ages, I feel bad.”
“Well…” Lily sat forward. “You could do me a favor and get to see Dorcas again, all in one go. Kill two birds with one stone?” she said hopefully.
“How so?” James asked.
“So, I was supposed to go to the studio Dorcas works at next week because I’ve been in contact with the owner of the studio about this guitar he’s selling, vintage right? That one we’ve been trying to find for tour. If I don’t meet him when I was supposed to he’ll sell it to someone else, and it’s the only one I’ve found that’s in perfect condition. The problem is my mother needs me to come home on Thursday to help out with Petunia’s wedding stuff—”
James cut her off. “I’ll go get the guitar Lils, I’d do that even if it didn’t mean getting to see Dorcas again. You go deal with your sister’s stupid wedding.”
She sighed in relief. “Thanks, James.”
“Of course,” James shrugged. “The guitar is our request anyway, no need to get all stressed. Even if you couldn’t get it we’d love you anyway.”
“Speak for yourself Prongs, I need that guitar,” Sirius said, and Lily just rolled her eyes.
--
Regulus was actually doing a very good job of not thinking about James Potter. He’d headed back home to L.A. and he didn’t think of him once. He didn’t think of James even as he only stopped at home to drop off his bandmates and suitcase, and he certainly didn’t think of James Potter as he headed back out the door and hopped into his own car heading out of the city. It was nice to be able to drive himself, something that he found was rarer these days and Regulus enjoyed the drive. He felt good enough that he even managed only two fits of road rage in the miserable L.A. traffic.
When he pulled up at his destination he parked in the garage, quickly hiding his car from outside view lest the paparazzi somehow followed him, or somebody recognized the car. He let himself in through the garage door, toeing off his shoes in the doorway and padding through the warm house.
“That you Reg?” a voice called at the sound of the door.
“No, it’s a serial killer!” He yelled back.
“Damn, well at least you warned me.” Ted Tonks appeared around the corner, grinning as he wiped his hands on the apron he was wearing.
“Common courtesy,” Regulus shrugged.
“Watched your performance, great job.”
“Thanks,” Regulus shrugged but let Ted lean down to kiss the top of his head.
“I’m glad you’re back kid, come on, Dora has missed you.”
“Reggie!” Dora smiled as they entered the dining room jumping up to throw her arms around his waist, once Regulus would have scooped her up but within the last few years she’d become too big for that, and it pulled at something in his chest. When he’d first moved in with the Tonks’ Dora had been a baby, now she was far older than Regulus knew what to do with, practically a teenager.
“Hey hon,” Andromeda smiled, she barely waited for Dora to let go before she was wrapping him in a warm hug.
It’d taken a long time to let her, or anyone besides Dora who was just a child, touch him, he’d shied away from it for a long time. Now he was aware every time he let his family casually touch him that they cherished it. The thought actually had made him more comfortable with the action because he knew if they cherished any bit of psychical affection that much, why would they want to hurt him? They never had, not once. In fact, Andy had raised Dora in a household where there wasn’t even yelling. He’d been shocked the first week he’d lived there when Dora had shattered a glass, Regulus had jumped up in fear, but Andromeda hadn’t even flinched. She’d only carefully asked Dora if she was hurt and only once confirming she was fine had she requested Dora grab the dustpan and broom so they could clean it up. They’d had a talk about being careful and how glass could hurt you if it broke and all the while Regulus had just stood there at the table, face white in shock. Once everything had been cleaned up and Dora had run off to go play Andy had turned to him and catching his expression, a deep sadness had crossed over her face.
“Oh hon,” she’d said softly, she hadn’t tried to touch him, hadn’t even stepped too close, just said gently. “Dora made a mistake. It happens, she’s a kid. You’re allowed to make mistakes here too. You’re even allowed to purposefully and royally fuck up and no one will ever raise a hand, we won’t yell or hurt you. Do you understand?”
“I understand,” Regulus had said stiffly, resisting the urge to tack ma’am onto the end as she’d requested he not refer to her so formally.
“I grew up like you too Regulus. I know you don’t remember me so much, you were still pretty young when I left. I know it’ll probably take you a long time to trust me, but I will never, ever hurt you. I came from a house where I would have been beaten if I’d dropped a glass as a child, so I get it. It’s going to take you a long time to stop expecting it, that’s fine. You take as long as you need because we’re not going anywhere.”
The thing was at the time Regulus hadn’t entirely believed that. He was young, he thought he’d turn eighteen and wind up alone again once he no longer needed a guardian. The Tonks’s had their own life, they were good people, they’d have felt guilty if Regulus were left in foster care. But he wasn’t really their family, he didn’t really belong there. Now, over a decade later, somehow it hadn’t been true. He still went over for dinner, every week when he was home and often stayed over. His old room was always kept clean with fresh sheets for whenever he came over. He still had a toothbrush in the bathroom and clothes in the dresser. It took him a long time, but eventually, somehow, Regulus had come to believe it. They were family, they loved him. Ted and Andy were more of his parents than Orion and Walburga Black had ever been.
“I saw your song,” Dora grinned. “I showed it to everyone at school and they were like: ‘wow, that’s so cool’ and then I was like: ‘that’s my brother!’ They were so shocked. Even my teacher thought it was cool.”
Regulus smiled, pulling at one of her pigtails which she’d dyed bright pink recently. It’d been strange when Regulus first heard Dora call him her brother but as shocked as he’d been, he also realized it made complete sense from her perspective. Of course, she knew that Regulus wasn’t actually Andromeda and Ted’s son, but she also knew Regulus had lived with them, been a part of their family for as long as she could remember. As a young child, she’d simply considered him a brother. And while he was Andy’s cousin he was also technically her foster son, so even though Regulus had originally been shocked by Dora referring to him as her brother, eventually he learned to accept it.
“Were they really shocked Dora? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard at least seventy different stories of you telling your classmates about me.”
“Okay, fine they weren’t shocked,” She amended. “They were very impressed though.”
“Okay, I’ll take that,” Regulus shrugged as Dora darted around her mother to spontaneously hug him again. He let her, wrapping an arm loosely around her shoulders as she rested her head on his chest.
“Are you back for a while now?”
“Yep. I have nowhere to be for a couple of months at least. After this week we’re being forced into album mode, we have some songs finished but we’ve really got to grind out the rest.”
“I’m sure they’ll be great,” Andy smiled. “Everything you do is,”
Regulus rolled his eyes but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling faintly. “Yeah, yeah,” he murmured. “Now you’ve got to let me go, Dora Dora,” he poked her cheek.
“Why? Are you going to help Dad cook? Because I know it’s supposed to be his day but he’s definitely burning dinner.”
Ted didn’t even bother protesting just looked at the pan on the stove which was indeed smoking.
“Yes, I don’t know why you still let him cook. Next time Dad tries to put his apron on you take that thing out of his hands,” Regulus instructed.
Ted just sighed but even as he pulled the pan off the stove grimacing at the contents, he was smiling. He always did when he heard Regulus refer to him as 'Dad', granted he normally only did it if he was talking to Dora, but it always seemed to light Ted up.
Regulus helped cook an edible dinner and even though it was late by the time they ate, nobody minded. Dora caught them all up with the drama and gossip at her school and in turn, Regulus, Andy, and Ted all offered gossip from their own lives. Regulus’s was the longest of course because celebrities had no shortage of gossip.
“I have to tell you something,” Regulus said suddenly, once dinner had been finished and they were all lounging around the living room.
“What’s up hon?” Andy asked looking up.
Even Dora who’d been absorbed in her video game seemed to sense the seriousness in her voice, instantly pausing it.
“I’m gay.”
Andy was up instantly wrapping him in a tight hug. “Thanks for telling us,” she said softly, and really Regulus didn’t mean to cry, he knew if his friends had known his family probably suspected too but still the act of actually saying it after all these years was heavy and he couldn’t stop the tears.
A moment later Ted was on Regulus’s other side and Dora was joining too, turning it into a group hug.
“We love you Reg,” Ted said fiercely. “So, so much.”
“I love you too,” he whispered.
--
Regulus woke up late. The first sign of how bad his day was going to be. Apparently, his alarm had been set to P.M. instead of A.M. and he woke up an hour after he was supposed to have left.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Regulus jumped up as soon as he saw the time, pulling on the first pair of jeans and an old shirt he could find. He didn’t have time to do his hair so he just pulled a baseball cap over his curls and laced up his old Converse that Dora had colored on years ago. These were his ‘home’ clothes as he called them, the normal ones he’d had for years, not ones he was keen to be photographed in lest people start rumors that he was sick or on drugs because he wasn’t dressed in perfectly tailored outfits. He’d intended to stop at his house and unpack before heading into the studio, but he was now already two hours late, and with traffic he’d never make it to his house and then the studio before late afternoon. Regulus brushed his teeth and filled up his water bottle at the same time, grabbing his old guitar from high school. He hated playing any guitar but his own so normally he brought his fancy custom guitar, but it seemed like today he was being forced into a form of casualness Regulus was rarely used to aside from when he was home Andy Dora and Ted. These days, everything he did was perfectly tailored from the clothing he wore to the instrument he carried, it was crafted to make him seem abnormal, untouchable. If Regulus looked like a marble statue, something separate from every day, people felt less entitled to him. Regulus the normal average human was something very few people got to see, so he only hoped no one would notice or recognize him today.
“Aw, you look like yourself today,” Andy smiled as he came barreling down the stairs. Regulus only paused for a moment to kiss her on the cheek and acknowledge the comment happily. It was nice because most people would say the exact opposite, they’d see the pictures and pieces of himself he presented publicly and assume that was him, but it wasn’t. Regulus sometimes felt like he was the only person who realized that, so it warmed him. The thought that he was known.
“I’m late, I’m so, so late,” Regulus told her, grabbing his car keys from the hook. “I’m leaving my other shoes here, when I forget where they are please remind me that I left them.”
“Just put them in your car, Hon,” she said quickly grabbing a handful of granola bars and pressing them into his hands. “These are the ones you like,” she said before Regulus could even comment.
“Oh, thanks,” Regulus said leaning down to zip them into his guitar case. “And I would, but I have no fucking clue where I put them. They’re not in my room.”
“They’re at the door, Reg!” Ted called from the other room and Regulus sighed in relief, right of course he remembered taking them off there yesterday.
Regulus lifted his guitar onto his shoulder, hurrying into the living room. “Thanks, Ted, you’re a lifesaver,” he sighed as he spotted them near the door to the garage.
“Come say bye kid,” Ted said putting his coffee cup down and reaching out an arm.
Regulus quickly leaned down to hug him, careful of the guitar on his back. “Love you.”
“Love you more, good luck with your recording today.”
Andy was at Regulus’s shoulder holding out a travel mug. “Coffee, it’s black.”
“Oh gosh,” Regulus mumbled taking it gratefully, “I love you.”
“Love you too,” She smiled before turning and yelling up the stairs. “Dora! Regulus is leaving come say bye!”
There was the sound of a door flinging open and a moment later her footsteps pounded down the stairs. “Bye Reggie, I love you.” She said throwing her arms around him. “Please write a song about me.”
Sometimes it still felt strange how easy the term I love you was thrown around in his home.
Regulus could help but smile even in his stressed state. “I will,” he promised.
“Come back soon, hon, I know you’re all grown up now but I miss having all my children here,” Andy sighed kissing Regulus on the cheek before gently prying Dora off of him. “Let your brother leave, he’s late, sweetheart.”
Regulus nodded smiling slightly, Andromeda called Dora sweetheart and Regulus hon, he always liked that they both had their own terms of endearment, it still left him feeling warm even all these years later.
“I’ll be back, I always am.”
“You are,” she agreed, letting him go with one last smile. “Take care of yourself Reg, love you!” she called as he headed to the garage door, grabbing his shoes as he went.
“Love you all!” Regulus said over his shoulder.
It took some juggling to get his car unlocked with his hands full, but eventually, he managed to hit the button, tossing his guitar in the back and taking a sip of his coffee as he pulled out of the driveway. Not five minutes later, his music cut out as a call came through and seeing Barty’s name he quickly hit the accept button on his dashboard.
“I know I’m late,” he said as soon as the call connected.
“Where the fuck are you?” Barty demanded.
“My alarm didn’t go off, I just left home.”
“Like your house or home home.”
“Uh, not my house,” Regulus said guiltily.
“Well good,” Barty said. “You just won me a bet, you’ve never been late before but I knew it’d happen one day.”
“You’re betting on my downfall?” Regulus complained.
“Of course, we are,” Barty said which… well, yeah. Made sense.
“It’s fine!” Regulus heard Dorcas’s voice. “We’ll just record everything but Regulus’s vocals for that one track without any piano, he can come in and do them when he gets here then we’ll do the finishing touches tomorrow. Yeah? Then we’ll work on some of the other ones when you’re all in the studio together.”
“That’s fine with me,” Regulus said guiltily. “Sorry guys.”
“Whatever,” Barty said snottily which meant that he actually wasn’t bothered at all. “How’s the family?”
“Good,” Regulus said. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen them.”
“We know,” Pandora’s voice came over the line suddenly. “You were acting particularly mean and grumpy, it was about time you spent some time at home.”
Regulus frowned but he didn’t argue, it was true he almost always felt better after spending time at home, it was hard not to when they showered him with so much love, sometimes he really felt like he didn’t deserve it.
“Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled. “Well, I’m an hour or so away, looks like traffic is shit, so if you guys finish before I get there I’ll see you tonight.”
“I’ll cook,” Pandora volunteered, and Regulus was glad because neither Evan nor Barty could cook to save their lives.
“Okay, I’ve got to go, I’m driving.”
“Okay, drive safe honey, love you.”
“Love you too Pandora.”
She ended the call cutting off Barty’s protest that she wasn’t allowed to end his phone calls and Regulus just chuckled to himself, turning up his music and settling down for the drive.
He wound up in standstill traffic but since he’d already made arrangements for the recording today Regulus tried not to stress too much. There was nothing he could do about it now and instead, he sat back, turning down the radio to hum to himself as a melody came to his mind. Keeping an eye out in case traffic miraculously started moving again he grabbed his phone and hummed the melody into his voice memos app, an idea forming in his mind. Maybe he would write Dora a song today, maybe he would write one of all of them.
By the time Regulus made it to Dorcas’s studio the sun was high in the sky, beating down on his neck and he hurried inside. The rest of his band was already gone, and Dorcas set him up in the booth, running through some vocals and harmonies on the track they’d done today. The instrumental sounded amazing already and Regulus wouldn’t admit it, but he was excited to hear the track fully mixed and mastered.
It was pretty late by the time they were done for the day, the sun just about ready to set and Regulus packed up his guitar feeling satisfied with their work despite the mishaps. There were voices outside the studio and Regulus heard the owner Bill talking with someone, he didn’t think much of it. People came through a lot; Dorcas wasn’t the only person who worked there after all. Regulus wasn’t entirely happy seeing people he didn’t know when he felt he was dressed so revealing, so… Regulus. He looked down to his Converse and the sharpie scribbled on the fabric, Dora’s name was written there in the big clumsy handwriting of a child. Regulus didn’t like people he didn’t know seeing those parts of him, even if they were probably insignificant to anyone else. He was very particular about keeping his family private and away from his career. They belonged to Regulus and Regulus only, not the entire world.
--
The guitar was absolutely perfect if James did say so himself. He had no idea how Lily had managed to find the exact vintage model they were looking for and in perfect condition at that, but after one look at it, he agreed to take it. Bill the owner of Dorcas’s studio quickly agreed to the sale and before James knew it the guitar was in his hands. He paused to text Lily a selfie of him holding the guitar and she responded instantly with a series of thumbs up and crying emojis. James didn’t look up as he heard the studio door open, he knew Dorcas was in there and intended to pop in and say hello before he left. It was only as the footsteps stopped suddenly that he looked up from his phone.
The first thing he noticed was a pair of beat-up high tops, covered in marker that looked like it’d been done by a child. There were large messy hearts and words James couldn’t quite make out in a messy childish scrawl. The second thing James noticed was Regulus Black.
It took him way longer than it should have to register who he was looking at, but in James’s defense, it was not Regulus Black as James had ever known him. Even as a teenager he’d always been stiff and put together, wearing his school uniform without a piece out of place and his hair slicked back. Now he looked like an entirely different person. Hell, he looked like a different person from who James had seen only days ago. Gone were the high-fashion clothes, and the fancy shoes, his eyes were bright and makeup-less making them seem so much softer, and to James’s horror, his pale cheeks were dotted with soft freckles. Oh god, freckles? How did James not know he had freckles? Did he normally wear foundation?
The third thing James noticed after he cut off his internal freak-out over the few freckles on Regulus’s cheeks was the fact that he was wearing Sirius’s shirt. See, James knew it was Sirius’s because he’d bought it for his best friend when they were thirteen, it’d been a band they were both really into at the time. Now it was worn and faded, it looked right on Regulus like it’d belonged to him for a long time. Everything about Regulus from Sirius’s shirt to the baseball cap he'd pushed over his curls and the beaten-up guitar case on his back made James want to do something really stupid… like listen to all of Regulus’s songs or look him up on Instagram, yes, definitely that. Only that.
“Are you stalking me?” Regulus said finally. And James still wasn’t used to hearing his voice, it was soft and rich, and James wished he could drown in it.
“Uh, yes,” James said before quickly grimacing. “I mean, what? No. I- I was buying a guitar… from Bill, he’s the owner—”
“I know who Bill is,” Regulus interrupted. “I’ve been going to this studio for years,” he looked entirely unamused.
“Oh right…” James said quietly, feeling embarrassed, despite how Regulus looked he certainly wasn’t any softer than usual, in fact, his gaze was sharp and scorching. James felt like he was being judged, and he got the feeling he was not being evaluated well. “You look nice,” he blurted out immediately kicking himself when Regulus just blinked at him.
Slowly, he looked down at his clothes and then back up at James. “Huh?” and okay, yeah James got the confusion because he wasn’t exactly dressed nicely. In fact, Regulus was dressed more casually than James had ever seen him, but he just looked right. Normal, like he was more comfortable in his own skin.
“I just mean,” James hurried to try to explain. “You just look… right like this. I like it, you have freckles.”
Much to James’s surprise some of the harshness seemed to bleed out of Regulus's expression at that and his jaw unclenched. “Oh, thanks,” he mumbled.
“So do you work with Dorcas?” James dared to try conversing with the younger man.
Regulus hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “On pretty much everything since our second album, she’s brilliant. You know her?”
“Not that well, she’d dating Marlene so… we’ve met a few times, I like her a lot. I’m actually trying to get to know her better, for Marls.”
“Oh,” Regulus said. “You’re friends with Marlene,” it wasn’t really delivered as a question but James nodded anyway.
“Yup, for years. She Lily and Remus have this little club the rest of us don’t get to be a part of. They say it’s a girls club which is stupid because Remus isn’t a girl so therefore the rest of us should be allowed in too, but they say he’s an honorary girl. I think they just mean he’s not a bumbling emotionally stunted fool like the rest of us.” James had to stop himself from talking before it turned into an unsalvageable ramble, but Regulus didn’t seem put off, in fact, he seemed a bit more at ease than before.
“I know Marlene through Dorcas,” he offered simply.
“You’re friends?”
“With Marlene? I guess, we both like hockey.”
“Right, I remember you played.”
Regulus just stared for a moment as if he were shocked James knew this. “I did…” he said slowly. “I quit.”
“Did you stop liking it?”
“No, I stopped liking other things.”
“Other things?”
“Living,” Regulus shrugged.
James didn’t know what to say at first and to his horror, Regulus immediately looked like he was embarrassed for saying it and James hurried to respond, “I suppose that happens sometimes,” He said because if there was one thing he knew, it was that it was true. He’d helped his loved ones through enough hard times to see it firsthand.
“Yeah, it does,” Regulus said softly, and James couldn’t believe that it seemed as if he’d said the right thing. “Not so much to me anymore.”
James smiled at that. “Good,” he said, and he hoped Regulus could see how much he meant that.
The studio door swung open, and Dorcas paused noticing them both there. “Oh, hey James. What’s up?”
“Oh, you know, just coming here to make sure you treat Marls right,” He grinned.
She rolled her eyes. “Haven’t I already gotten the shovel talk… many, many times. From you and all your stupid bandmates, plus Lily, Marlene’s brother, and Marlene herself. Don’t worry I know the consequences of breaking Marlene’s heart.”
“Doesn’t hurt to reiterate,” James smiled. “But actually I was buying a guitar.”
“Oh, you’re the special buyer, nice. You just acquired a priceless piece, don’t break it, Potter.”
James scoffed. “Do you really think I’d break it?”
“Yes,” she said bluntly.
James looked down at the guitar and then back up to Dorcas grimacing. “The thing is I just realized you’re right and now I’m afraid to put it in my car.”
“Just be careful and put it in the trunk or something,”
“I drive a pickup truck.”
Her eyebrows rose in disbelief. “Why the fuck do you drive a pickup truck? You live in L.A.”
“My parents live on a farm,” James shrugged.
“In L.A.?”
“No, a few hours from here.”
“Then I repeat the question, why do you drive a pickup truck?”
“I don’t actually live in the city most of the time,” James shrugged. “Whenever I do I just stay with one of the boys. I don’t actually own an apartment here or anything.”
“Isn’t that a lot of work?” Regulus asked and he’d been so quiet until that point James hadn’t thought he’d join the conversation at all.
“Can be,” James shrugged. “But it’s worth it. My parents are older, so I prefer to be around to help out.”
“You know what,” Dorcas crossed her arms. “I’m not even going to get on you because that’s actually very sweet. Pickup truck aside, do you have a case or something to put it in? You can probably put it in your backseat since the trunk is not an option.”
“No…” James sighed. “I did not come prepared.”
Regulus shrugged his guitar off his shoulder. “You can put it in here if it fits.”
“What about your guitar?” James asked as Regulus unzipped the case.
He raised his eyebrows as he pulled out an old guitar, it was covered in peeling stickers, and on the side, James caught sight of what seemed to be Regulus’s band member’s signatures. “I think it’ll be fine; I threw it down two flights of stairs once and it barely had a dent,”
“On purpose? Why?”
“I was very, very drunk, Barty was convinced it’s invincible, guess he was right. I’ve had it since high school and it’s still kicking.”
He pushed the case toward James's and he carefully set the new guitar inside. It fit just fine, and Regulus nodded satisfied. “Good, take it, I could probably strap my guitar to the roof of my car and it’d be fine.” Dorcas was looking between them suspiciously and James wasn’t sure why he felt nervous when Regulus turned to her with raised eyebrows. “What Cas?”
“Do celebrities not have drivers these days? Why the fuck do you both have cars you drove here alone? Please, Potter, tell me your pickup truck is super fancy and painful to look at.”
James shrugged. “It doesn’t even have a spot for an aux cord,” he admitted, and Dorcas groaned.
“God, is this part of the whole famous people cosplay as normal people thing?” She frowned.
“Nah, it was my dad’s he passed it onto me when I was seventeen and I’ve been driving it ever since.”
“Why not buy a new one though?”
“Why should I?” James raised his eyebrows. “It drives well, it’s been with me for years, I love that damn truck even if I can only play CDs and the radio. Better to spend the money I could use for a new car I don’t need towards doing something good, huh?”
“Fuck,” Dorcas shook her head. “I’m afraid you’re growing on me, Potter,”
He frowned. “Why? I mean not that I’m complaining, but really it’s just common sense, isn’t it?”
“Not for everyone,” Regulus muttered, his gaze dark. “Some people only care about money and showing off how much they have,”
“Oh, well I guess yeah, but my parents didn’t raise me like that,” he said simply. “They’ve always made sure I was grateful.”
“Sound like good folks,” Dorcas said nodding in approval.
James beamed. “The very best, they worked their asses off to give me everything. I’ll never take it for granted. Love them to death.” James’s phone dinged in his hand and he looked down at his text. “Ah, I better run before Lily murders me, not trying to take my life for granted either.”
“Tell Lily I say hello,” Dorcas nodded. “She’s my favorite of you lot.”
“Most people agree,” James shrugged. “though Remus is often a close second. I’ll see you guys around.” He paused right before he was about to leave, spinning around to face Regulus. “Oh,” he handed over his phone to a confused-looking Regulus Black. “Put your number in.”
Regulus just blinked up at him for a second. “Why?”
“So I can give you your case back.”
“Oh, you don’t need to,” Regulus said quickly.
“Don’t be silly, Regulus, just put your number in.”
Regulus sighed dramatically but obeyed nonetheless handing James back his phone a moment later. James opened up a new text and typed out a quick message, nodding in satisfaction when Regulus’s phone pinged.
“Perfect, thanks for the case. I appreciate it!”
“Bye James,” Dorcas waved.
As the door swung shut behind him James caught a snippet of Dorcas’s hushed voice as she whispered something to Regulus, but James tried not to dwell on it. It wasn’t his business; Regulus wasn’t his business even as he looked so soft and warm and James wanted to bite the freckles on his face— wait what?
James choked on his own spit quickly shaking his head to rid himself of the thought. James was definitely going to do something stupid. He was going to look at Regulus’s Instagram, yes it was stupid but harmless. That was all, that was it.
Nothing else.
Notes:
another chapter to get you all started.
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
This is James :)) <3
Regulus had been staring at the text for far longer than was appropriate. A heart… a heart? Why would James have sent him a heart, they didn’t even know each other. Unless James was the type of person to send everybody hearts which actually, sounded like him. Maybe Regulus was being stupid.
“What did your phone do to you?” Regulus looked up to see Pandora leaning over the side of the couch.
“Pandora…”
“Yes?”
“If someone you barely know sends you a text with a heart emoji what does it mean?”
“Depends on the context.”
“Like if I gave someone my number and they texted me their name and added a heart…”
“Well, they could be sucking up.”
“I don’t think so,” Regulus frowned.
“Then maybe they’re being flirty, I mean you did give them your number.”
“Not in a flirty way,” Regulus said quickly. “In a favor way.”
“Well, could just be something they use a lot, some people are comfortable sending hearts to whoever, you’re probably reading too far into it Reg.”
“Probably,” Regulus sighed. “Doesn’t really matter anyway.”
“What, scoping up the next Mrs. Regulus Black?” Barty grinned throwing himself over the back of the couch.
“No, I should probably stop dating women.”
“Yeah, fucking probably!” Evan called from the kitchen where he was fixing tea. “You douchebag.”
Regulus just groaned. “In my defense, I was in denial.”
“It’s okay, so are Barty and Evan about their relationship,” Pandora said reaching out to pat Regulus on the shoulder.
“We don’t have a relationship,” Barty complained.
“You were making out not five minutes ago,” Regulus pointed out.
“You got a problem with that? Sounding a little homophobic Black.”
Regulus rolled his eyes in response. “Yes, I am violently homophobic. I hate all gay people, I wish I was dead.”
“Okay, well now I’m just concerned about your mental well-being,” Evan turned, raising an eyebrow.
“I don’t want to throw myself off the roof, never fear,”
“Aw,” Barty complained. “I would have liked to see that.”
Pandora kicked him violently, smiling as he yelped in pain and Regulus just sighed flopping back on the couch to stare at the heart emoji on his screen. Fuck.
--
Regulus didn’t text James, he absolutely refused to even though he kept opening up the message, fingers hovering over the keyboard. He never sent anything, he was stronger than that thank you very much.
It was a week later when Regulus’s phone buzzed, he looked towards it absentmindedly, freezing as he registered James’s name. Quickly, Regulus grabbed his phone, opening the message.
Hey Regulus! Thanks for letting me use ur case sorry I couldn’t get it back to u sooner :( I’ve been super busy. Hope u didn’t need it!! Anyway can I bring it to u today? Lmk if that’s too soon ik it’s short notice.
Regulus just stared at the message for far too long before he could even begin to process it. He’d been on edge waiting for James to text him for days now, he felt a little pathetic as he quickly typed out his reply.
No worries. That’s fine I’m free all day today. You can drop it by my house if that’s okay?
James’s reply was almost instant.
Great!! I’m out rn, I can probably be by within an hour?
Regulus agreed, sending James his address, and the security code to get past the gates. Normally he wouldn’t be so quick to tell someone where he lived but he trusted James, it wasn’t like they were entirely strangers, Regulus told himself. They’d known each other as teenagers.
With nothing left to do but wait, Regulus grabbed his guitar, plucking at the strings absentmindedly. The idea to write about Andy, Ted and Dora had stuck in his head but as he’d begun working on the song it’d strayed from the sweet little song he wanted to make for Dora. As soon as he’d realized how dark it was getting he’d quickly decided to write something different for Dora and since then the current song had gotten away from him.
“They came for me when I was fifteen
Shook my head, kept my mouth clean
No officers I don’t need to be saved
I have everything, listen to me when I say it
I don’t need, saving, everyone round here has a savior complex.
I don’t need saving.
They came again when I was sixteen.
I wanted to refuse, but I’d forgotten how to speak
They said it’s okay you’ll be saved
I didn’t cry when then took me away.
I’m fine, I’ll recover, I couldn’t even say it.
I don’t need saving, every social worker has a savior complex.”
Regulus mumbled the words looking back through the lyrics he’d already written, he didn’t worry too much about how revealing it might be, he couldn’t ever imagine releasing it. It was painfully obvious what it was about, and Regulus didn’t need anyone beginning to connect the dots from Regulus’s song about being removed from his home by CPS to his lack of comment on his family. The Blacks would never denounce Regulus as their son, even though he hadn’t had any contact with them for years. They’d successfully kept quiet the removal of Regulus from their care. One rebel estranged son was a shame, two were a pattern. Regulus wouldn’t denounce his parents either. He didn’t want people to know that Regulus had been forced into foster care, that he’d been left to fend for himself. Abused, abandoned, unloved.
Regulus was surprised by how much time had passed when the doorbell rang he jumped in surprise. He hurried to the door, dropping his guitar on the couch. When he opened the door James Potter was standing there, one hand in his pocket the other holding Regulus’s case. He grinned brightly.
“Hi, you look soft again,” James said quickly like the words had escaped his mouth before he could catch them.
“Soft?” Regulus repeated in confusion.
James looked a little embarrassed and just smiled, somewhat bashfully. Regulus looked down at his outfit, fuck he’d forgotten to change. He was still wearing an old university sweatshirt of Ted’s and a pair of sweatpants that were too big, he’d had to roll the waistband up twice.
“Sorry I forgot to change,” he muttered.
“Don’t be, you’re in your own house,” James shrugged. “And you don’t look bad.”
“Right…” Regulus said slowly shaking his head. “Uh, why don’t you come in?”
“Sure,” James grinned as Regulus stepped back to let him inside and Regulus wondered if he was always so quick to smile.
It was so strange, Regulus remembered James Potter smiling often when they were kids, always beaming, brimming full of happiness over something or another, but normally Regulus watched it directed at other people. The only time he’d ever received James’s full attention was in the music room and even then, they were more focused on creating music, it was a crutch between them. Plus, Regulus didn’t talk. Now, however, James was entirely focused on Regulus, smiling just for him, and Regulus was able to carry more of the conversation these days.
“Do you want something to drink?”
James’s eyes flitted around the living room where Regulus’s guitar and scattered notebooks covered the couch. “I’m okay. If you’re busy I can just leave the case and go,” he said nodding to the couch. “I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
“Oh, it’s fine,” Regulus said quickly. “You’re not. I mean you came all this way. So you can… stay? Only if you want, you don’t need to.”
“If you don’t despise my company I’d be happy to stay,” James said warmly, completely unfazed by Regulus’s embarrassing rambling.
“I don’t,” Regulus mumbled. “At least not yet,” he said quickly pushing his notebooks over on the couch so they could sit down.
“Yet?” James raised an eyebrow, sitting in the empty space Regulus had made for him and setting the guitar case down. “An optimistic one, are we?”
“Expect disappointment and all that,” Regulus shrugged sitting down on the other side, far enough away that he felt like he could breathe under James’s gaze.
“Well, the ‘yet’ may be a realistic assessment. I’m afraid once you get me going on the superiority of vinyl records it might be the nail in the coffin.”
“What,” Regulus scoffed. “Let me guess the sound is just better, classic?”
“Yup, and all that other music snob shit,” James said.“ You’re not a fan?”
“Are you going to bite my head off if I say I don’t get the appeal?”
“I will not, I’ll wait for you to explain to me why. Then we can get to the violence if needed.”
Regulus was surprised at how easily James pulled a laugh from him. “Okay, then but you have to actually hear me out.”
“Of course.”
“Okay, biggest thing. Convenience. Anyone who insists record players are superior clearly doesn’t listen to enough music. Sure, it’s nice to put a record on sometimes, light a candle maybe, create a certain mood. But for the most part, it’s not for everyday use. I listen to music constantly, literally every hour of the day, am I going to lug my record player across the house, and down the stairs whenever I change rooms? No! Instead, I’m going to listen to music on my phone where I can listen to anything, anywhere literally any time. I don’t have to worry about buying or storing large records. Vinyl is a special occasion thing, not everyday use and I think that any sound quality difference isn’t enough to make up for that. Plus, most people who love vinyl are arrogant music snobs who think they’re so much better than everyone else because they listen to old music and shit on pop. You can’t say you love music if you don’t respect all forms, even the ones you don’t like.”
James didn’t speak for a moment his eyes gleaming, his smile wide, if he didn’t look so strangely happy (and almost… charmed?) Regulus might have thought he’d offended him. “You make some good points; I’ll have to hold off on the violence. I still prefer records, but you know alongside streaming, not as a replacement. We live in a magical age where music is constantly accessible, I’d be a fool not to appreciate it.”
“You would,” Regulus nodded surprised despite his reassurance that James had actually listened and considered his argument.
“So, tell me about your house,” James said leaning back. “It’s a big place, doesn’t it get lonely?”
“It might, if not for the fact that my band thinks they live here.”
“Where are they all today?”
“Hm, I think Barty and Evan are out doing whatever the fuck they do together, probably something involving crime. Pandora is with her boyfriend, a strange guy but she adores him. They’re here a lot, but even so, I don’t stay here all the time, I mean it’s my house but not really my home, you know?”
“I do, so where’s home?”
Regulus paused. “Did you tell Sirius about seeing me?” he asked suddenly.
James’s expression turned serious, and Regulus almost wished he could take it back so James would continue smiling. “I didn’t.” James admitted. “I didn’t want to at first because he can be… volatile at times and he didn’t seem like he’d be receptive to hearing it at the time.”
“But you didn’t tell him after last week either?”
“No. Honestly, Regulus… I didn’t get the feeling you’d want me to and I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries especially since you were doing me a favor.”
“Would you tell him you’re here now? I mean you’re in my house.”
“I won’t tell him if you don’t want me to,”
“But he’s your best friend,” Regulus crossed his arms.
“Yes, but it’s not my place to tell him anything about you, I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of your relationship. And you’re my friend too, if you’re not comfortable with Sirius knowing right now, I won’t say a word.”
“I’m your friend?” Regulus asked in surprise. “We’ve only seen each other like three times.”
“We don’t have to be friends, but I knew you for years before now, Regulus. It’s not like we’re entirely strangers.”
“But I didn’t talk then, you didn’t really know me.”
“You didn’t but I still knew you. You don’t have to speak with someone to learn things about them.”
“Oh…” Regulus said slowly. “We could be friends if you don’t tell Sirius.”
“I won’t if that’s what you want, but I think one day you might want to tell him.”
“I don’t think I will.”
“Well, it’s up to you, As I said, it’s between you and Sirius.”
“Home is my cousin’s house,” Regulus said suddenly, and James took a moment to catch up, blinking before he seemed to remember his earlier question.
“Uh, which cousin?” James asked in a hesitant way that made Regulus laugh, it was clear James knew about the Black cousins and the sort of people they were.
“Andromeda.”
“Oh,” James said sounding relieved. “She’s the good one.”
“She is, she took me in, I’ve lived with her, her husband, and daughter for a long time. I’d never known what it was like to have a home before Andy.”
“When did she take you in?”
“When I was sixteen.”
James paused. “Does that mean you left your parents?”
“If by left you mean I was forcibly removed by CPS,” Regulus leaned back, “then yes.”
“So, you didn’t want to leave?”
“Not then, they put me in foster care for a couple of months which was actual hell, I just kept running away and they kept moving me. Then Andromeda got custody and I went to live with her. Tried to run away then too but she just kept following me. Eventually, I stopped wanting to run.”
“I had no idea,” James softly. “That sounds like it was a lot on you, especially with how young you were. I didn’t even realize you’d ever left.”
“I don’t advertise it,” Regulus told him, searching James’s eyes for any of the traces of pity or horror he was used to, but he found nothing. Instead, James just seemed sad. Sad for the kid Regulus had been, sad he still had to remember the pain now. “My parents will never denounce me or people will find out what happened. So, it’s not common knowledge. But Andy is my real family, that’s home.”
“I’m glad you found that even though it doesn’t sound like it was easy.”
“It wasn’t, it’s still there everything that happened. Just sitting there… heavy. But I made it out alive and here we are.” Regulus cocked his head to study James better. “What’s yours?”
“My what?”
“Your heaviness, I can see it. Something weighing you down.”
For a moment James seemed genuinely shocked, his brown eyes widening behind his glasses. “I don’t have that,” he said quickly.
“You do,” Regulus countered. “You don’t need to talk about it, but you can. You know since I just dumped all my shit on you.”
“I asked, and this isn’t a transaction.”
“Maybe not, but you can still tell me if you want.”
James frowned, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. “It’s not like that,” he said slowly. “Nothing happened to me, sometimes I’m just tired.”
“Of something, or in general?”
James reached up to push his glasses back up his nose. “Neither, both… I don’t know,” he said helplessly. “I’m tired of worrying I guess, of watching everyone constantly in case something happens and they need me, tired of worrying about my parents and my friends. But that’s selfish, they’re the ones with bad things and I’m the one who’s good. The least I can do is help them.”
“Are you good?”
“Of course.”
“Well, if you weren’t that’d be okay,” Regulus told him.
For a moment James just stared at him before shaking his head. “Well, I am but thank you.”
“Do you want to go back to arguing about records?” Regulus asked him.
“We weren’t arguing,” James scoffed. “In fact, I think I even agreed with you.”
“Hm, that’s no fun,” Regulus sighed, and James’s smile returned, throwing his head back as he laughed.
Regulus definitely didn’t smile too, no, certainly not.
--
James Potter was well and truly fucked.
See it started with looking up Regulus’s Instagram, staring at the pictures for hours. James hated it because only weeks ago he might have looked at it and had no comment aside from the fact that Regulus looked hot. Now, he looked at it and he could see the edges of a persona, he could recognize that the person portrayed wasn’t entirely Regulus. That was bad because James wasn’t supposed to know Regulus.
Then, came the visit to his house. And shit, Regulus was smart, funny, sarcastic a little mean at times, and James loved it. He loved every dip and curve of the man’s voice, loved hearing him talk about anything at all even when he was disagreeing with James. Actually, specifically when he was disagreeing because his voice rose a bit, breaking through the usual low and disinterested way he spoke. For a moment he seemed to forget he wasn’t supposed to be giving any bits of himself away and James was completely infatuated with those little scraps that managed to peek through. James wanted to crack open Regulus Black and dive inside his chest just to better understand what it might be like to see the world through his eyes.
So yes, James was really fucked.
Because now they were texting… or James was texting, Regulus was for the most part ignoring him but for the occasional single-word reply or even on special occasions a mean emoji. That however was enough because James got the feeling if he actually wanted James to stop Regulus would have no problem telling James to fuck right off. He was terribly blunt, and James delighted in it.
Only that morning James had sent him a text complaining about the long line to get a coffee and Regulus had responded in rare form with more than one word, in fact, he’d absolutely obliterated James and he couldn’t stop staring at the message.
And? It’s 7am on a weekday of fucking course the coffee line is long. Scroll through your emails and wait in line like every other normal person, or do you think the line needs to let you in first just because you’re James Potter? You live in LA asshole, everyone here is famous. You’re not special. Just wait.
James barely contained himself from giggling.
“What’s got you smiling?” Remus asked suspiciously trying to peer over his shoulder.
“Nothing,” James sighed. “I’m being humbled,” he said sending Regulus a few heart-eye emojis in response before tucking his phone into his pocket.
Remus raised an eyebrow. “Not that I don’t think it’s wonderful, you do need to be brought down a few notches every month or so. However, who’s humbling you? Not Lily?” He asked accusingly.
James sighed. “No, you know I’m past that, Moony.”
“Are you?”
“Yes! I have come to the realization that I liked the idea of having a relationship with her because it made sense, but we’re friends. I love her as my friend and I understand she doesn’t and will never like me that way, I respect it.”
Remus eyed James for a moment like he was searching for any dishonesty after a moment he shrugged. “I noticed you’ve backed off in the last few years,” he admitted. “You hadn’t said anything though. I’m glad, that’s very mature of your Prongs.”
James melted a little. “Aw, Moony? You’re giving me your approval?”
“Don’t get used to it,” he muttered but he nudged James gently in the shoulder as the coffee line finally moved up slightly.
James just grinned, Remus had always had a strange amount of patience for James. He snapped at the drop of a hat when it came to Sirius though James was sure that was partly caused by sexual tension, he even lost patience with Peter at times, but rarely James. He always held this soft understanding that James couldn’t make sense of, like he saw something James didn’t want him to. Remus didn’t miss a thing (in most cases, except for Sirius), he was far too smart and attentive to keep up with. James was sure if they hadn’t become successful with the band Remus would have gone on to get his Ph.D. or become a professor or something. He was way too smart for them, and the sole reason any of the pranks they pulled in school actually worked.
“Something’s on your mind,” Remus noted once they’d finally gotten their coffee and sat down in a quiet corner, blocked from the window where no one could snap pictures of them or watch creepily.
James took a sip of his drink, looking at his friend whose eyes were studying him, expression unreadable.
“It’s nothing.”
Remus just watched James unconvinced, he did that sometimes… pushed. He was the only one who ever did.
James loved his friends, he loved Peter who he’d known since he was in preschool, they’d done their entire lives together. He loved Sirius who James was sure was the other half of his own soul, they existed together on this plane that nothing else could touch. They were hopelessly intertwined together and James knew he’d never love anyone more. James loved Lily who was bright and intense, yet the kindest person he’d ever known. He loved Marlene who took no one’s shit and went through life on her own terms, she was one of the only people aside from Sirius who always humored James, even when she made it clear she thought he was stupid.
James loved them all, but sometimes he felt like they looked right through him. Remus was the only one who didn’t. Frankly, he hated that. Hated that Remus was the only one aside from maybe his mother wouldn’t allow him to brush things off.
“What’s wrong James?”
“Nothing,” James repeated, and Remus just waited, unconvinced.
They sat in silence for a long moment and James really tried not to crack, he did… but fuck he hated silence.
“You’re patient with me,” he said suddenly. James had never actually brought that up before and Remus frowned. “I mean like, I can be an idiot and you said it yourself I need to be humbled and brought down at times, I’m a lot but you’re always patient. Everyone else is a lot too, but you take no shit from them. It’s only me that you give leeway to.”
“I mean…” Remus said slowly. “You and Sirius are similar in a lot of ways, you’re both pretty wild and maybe in need of humbling, but he needs to be told no plain and simple. It’s similar with Wormtail, he tends to spiral, get anxious and worked up, and he needs to be grounded. I know you know this because half of it I learned by watching you, Prongs.”
“I- what do you mean?”
“It’s like…” Remus leaned forward. “Like in school when I first met Pads he was just off the rails, wasn’t he? Just bold, reckless, thoughtless, and so stuck in himself. I was quieter then, still learning how to speak up and be more assertive. Often you and Sirius egged each other on but when it really came down to it, when lines were crossed, you always pulled Sirius back. I remember the first time I watched you tell him no, it was only a month into the first year of school. You did it so firmly, leaving no room for arguing. That was when I realized I’d misjudged you a bit. I originally lumped you and Sirius in together, but for as much as you share, you’re very different too. He’s a doer, you’re impulsive too but more likely to be a watcher, a listener. You take care of everyone around you.”
James didn’t really know what to say to that, but Remus just reached out squeezing his hand.
“I’m patient with you Prongs because you need it. Because half the time you’ll step back before I even have to worry about telling you no and when you do you’re pulling Wormtail and Pads back with you. I know people always make jabs about you thinking yourself our ‘leader’, but the truth is you just take care of us, always have. So, I’m patient with you because you’ve always been patient with us.”
“I- I don’t know if all of that is true, Rem, you’re painting me in far too good a light.”
“I’m just telling it like it is James, I know you don’t realize it, you never have and maybe never will, but you are truly one of the best people in the world. Not that you’re without flaws, but there’s hardly anyone more loving or brighter than you. I won’t go on though, because I know you’ll just argue with me,” Remus shrugged knowing him far too well. “But what brought this on? Clearly, something is getting to you. You know you can tell me?”
“Of course, I do… it really is nothing Moony. Just something somebody said to me.”
“Something bad?”
“I- I don’t know,” James admitted. “They said… that I’m heavy.”
“I assume by your expression they didn’t mean physically.”
“No, uh- we were talking about some bad stuff that happened to them and… I don’t know they said it stayed, weighed them down even all these years later and they asked what mine was. What my heaviness, but I don’t have that. Do people think I have that? Do you?”
Remus paused, tilting his head. “I think,” he began slowly, “that you have a lot of weight and expectations on your shoulders, I think you put them on yourself too. You have a tendency to take things on and never ask for help, but if you’re worried about people noticing that, I don’t think they do. It’s only obvious if you’re really paying attention and most don’t.”
“But you do?”
“I do,” Remus agreed, “and apparently whoever you discussed this with does too.”
James didn’t know what to think about that, he felt his heart flutter in his chest at the thought, was Regulus paying that much attention?
“This person…” Remus said crossing his arms. “It doesn’t happen to be the same person who was humbling you earlier?” he asked raising an eyebrow.
“It is,” James mumbled, and Remus looked at him, calculating and curious.
“This a new thing?”
“It’s not a thing,” James said quickly. “Just a friend.”
“A friend you haven’t told anyone about?”
“They don’t want me to, it’d be complicated, hard. It might look bad too if the public found out…”
“So, they’re in the business too?”
“Yes, but I don’t want to say anything more. I want to respect their wishes.”
Remus looked conflicted but after a moment he nodded, sighing tiredly. “Okay, James. I don’t know them so I can’t pretend to understand the situation, but I have a bad feeling. Sneaking around to have a relationship is never good, it hurts everyone involved.”
James paused not understanding the edge of pain in Remus's words. “it’s not a relationship, I said we’re just friends.”
“I know you Prongs, I know how quickly and wildly you fall for someone, it’s clear to me you have some sort of feelings I just don’t want you getting hurt.”
“I know, I know, but it’s not like that. I’d never get romantically involved it’s far too messy plus they’re straigh—” James cut himself off suddenly and Remus paused, clearly coming to a realization.
“We’re talking about a guy, aren’t we?” he leaned forward, speaking quietly lest anyone else hear. James just blinked before nodding slowly and Remus soft in his understanding. “I- well, I wondered as soon as you didn’t name a gender. But I didn’t know. You’ve never dated men before.”
“I never dated much of anyone,” James pointed out.
“Yes, but you never talked about guys either?”
“Well, I never really considered the whole thing much. Gender never really mattered to me,” James shrugged. “I just happened to like girls mostly. It never felt like a big deal to me.”
“Okay,” Remus said softly. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to drill you I’m just a little surprised I guess. I came out to you years ago, you never said anything about being queer as well.”
“Well, it was your moment, Rem wasn’t it? It was really hard for you to do, and I know I was the first person aside from your mother that you told. I wasn’t about to make it about me. And I suppose I never really mentioned it because I didn’t see the point, I was obsessed with Lily for over half a decade after all, convinced myself I’d marry her. I never saw the point in telling anyone I liked more than just girls when it wasn’t relevant.”
“It’s relevant because it’s part of you.” Remus said reaching out to poke him in the arm. “It doesn’t matter if you only dated girls for the rest of your life and never so much as kissed a man, it’s still part of your identity. It’s still just as valid.”
“You think?” James asked softly.
“No, I know. I’m glad we talked about this, James. You know there isn’t a single thing you can’t tell me? Please be careful with this guy, don’t let him break your heart. But if he does… I’m here. You can talk to me about it.”
“I’m glad too,” James admitted. “You’re the best Rem. And you know you can talk to me too? Don’t think I haven’t noticed something has been going on lately.”
Remus froze at that looking nervous for a second before signing in resignation. “Well, it’s what I said earlier isn’t it?” he muttered. “James Potter, the watcher, the listener…” he shook his head “I know I can talk to you Prongs, you have been there and proven it time and time again, you know I’ll come to you if I need to.”
“Good, I love you to death Moony.”
Remus scoffed but he reached out to squeeze James’s hand fondly. “Love you too, Prongs.”
James just smiled, feeling warm and seen. Not in a bad way, a nice way like Remus had taken a look at his insides and simply shrugged and loved James for it anyway.
Yes, that was nice.
--
Are you a masochist
James choked on his sandwich at the text, coughing violently. He fumbled for his glass of water, chugging it hastily until he could breathe again.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” he stuttered, his voice raspy.
Thankfully Sirius’s apartment was empty, he’d said something about going to Moony’s for the night, so James didn’t have any witnesses to his choking fit.
James didn’t really think before he was hitting the call button, surprised when the call was picked up within seconds.
“What the fuck?” James said.
There was a moment of silence before Regulus’s voice came through the line. “What do you want, Potter?”
“I wanted to say what the fuck.”
“Okay, well you did, goodnight.”
“Wait, no, maybe I want to say more things.”
“Well, that’ll certainly be a challenge for you, I know there are only so many words in your vocabulary.”
James smiled at that, fuck, maybe he was a masochist.
“I think I can manage, you might have to give me a second to keep up with your fancy words though.”
“No promises.”
“Fine, then I’ll live in constant confusion and never have any idea what you’re saying but it’ll be fine because I would listen to you talk even if you weren’t speaking English.”
“So, If I talked at you in French for an hour you’d listen?”
“Do you speak French?” James asked sitting up straighter.
“Mhm,” Regulus hummed, and James could hear him moving on the other side of the line, he wondered where he was, what he was doing. “I’m not going to say something in French if that’s your next question.”
“Why not, you owe me?”
“What on earth for?”
“I choked on my sandwich.”
“That sounds like a you problem.”
“It was your fault.”
“How could it be my fault?”
“You know what, I’m not telling you that, but trust me it was.”
“Well, without any evidence I’m not going to believe you, but whatever you say.”
James scoffed in mock offense. “You don’t trust me?”
“I trust you about as far as I could throw you which is maybe two feet, I’m not that strong.”
“I feel like you’re stronger than you look.”
“I feel like you’re wrong since I live in my own body, and I haven’t lifted a weight since I was twenty. Your claims are wildly unsubstantiated.”
“How old are you exactly, that couldn’t have been more than what six or seven years ago?”
“I’m twenty-seven, seven years is a long time Potter.”
“So, you could join the twenty-seven club.”
There was a pause on the other end of the phone and James realized that could be taken wildly wrong but before James could work himself up, to his delight, Regulus laughed. He fucking laughed, like a real, wonderful, full laugh.
“Yeah, James, I could. Thank you for pointing it out. Barty has been trying to convince me that if I’m going to kill myself this has to be the year because apparently once you hit twenty-eight it’s ‘cringy’ in his words.”
“Uh, your friend is strange, mildly concerning.”
“Well, you’re the one who brought up my possible death.”
“Okay, well don’t die, you’re funny.”
“Wow,” Regulus deadpanned. “James Potter thinks I’m funny? Well now I can never die, not even God can touch me when the great James Potter has spoken.”
James snorted. “One of these days you might actually bruise my ego, Regulus.”
“Is that possible?”
“Maybe not. Hasn’t happened yet, but I wouldn’t put it past you to be the first.”
“I’ll make it my mission.”
“I look forward to the day it happens, but good luck. My parents raised me saying I could do anything I put my mind to and then I went and got famous and wildly successful… so you’ve got your work cut out for you.”
Regulus snorted. “I can break even the strongest of egos, trust me I’ve had Barty Crouch as a friend half my life.”
“Yeah, I’ll admit from what you’ve said he sounds like a menace. I believe in your abilities Regulus, it’s only a matter of how long.”
“I wager three months.”
James sighed. “Geez, give me some credit. I say maybe six.”
“Hm, we’ll see,” Regulus said, sounding far too confident.
“Well, you should get started, come see me this weekend.”
Regulus paused and the line was quiet for long enough that James was once again second-guessing himself. He was rarely this person, so nervous and unsure in a social situation, but Regulus Black brought out a strange tentative fear in James.
“Where?” he said finally, and James immediately broke out into a grin holding back his sigh of relief.
“My parents are in Seattle this week, I’m going to our farm. It’ll be lonely out there with no one around, you should come with me.”
“Don’t your parents own an insanely successful company?” Regulus asked slowly.
“Yes, that’s why they’re in Seattle this week, how come?”
“Well then why do you live on a farm, is it like a real farm?”
“It has animals and stuff if that’s what you mean, some horses, cows chickens. And we live on a farm because we like it, it was much smaller when I was little, we only had two cows and some chickens. My parents are older, they stepped back from the company years ago, so they’re able to put more time into it. Plus, they thought living on a farm would hone my work ethic and keep me humble.”
“Did it work? You don’t seem very humble.”
“Hm, in a certain sense. I have a bit of a big head, I know. See I know I’m quite talented, I know I’m a good worker and not bad looking either. So I’m not humble in that way, but in others I suppose. I know who I am and the privilege I came from, I know I’m not any better than any other person because of my family’s name and money. I know I didn’t earn anything I was born into, that I got lucky. I know I have to work for things just the same as anyone else and I’m happy to do that because I want to earn it. My parents helped us out when the band was first starting, they gave us a loan to record and put our focus into the music, it’s only because of them that we had a lot of opportunities. When it did pay off, I paid them back for every damn cent. So, yes I’d say it worked how they intended at least. And whenever I get a big head, well I have lots of people in my life who are willing to pull me down.”
“I think we were raised very, very differently,” Regulus said quietly.
“Probably yes, I assume you weren’t raised to be humble?”
“Definitely not,” Regulus said slowly, he paused as if waiting for James to stop him, and when no protest came he continued. “The Back family is incredibly rich and incredibly corrupt. My family owned a home in fucking France that we only spent a month at every year, I had every opportunity, the best tutors, clothing, belongings, and education. I was raised to think that we were better than everyone else. I was trained to be the best… I suppose I’m pretty unique in the fact that I know the exact opposite of that too. I’ll tell you it was a shock to realize how much closer I was to becoming nothing than to becoming the best. It was so easy to be thrown away, to end up just another kid in foster care, carrying around my few belongings in a trash bag. In the end, it didn’t matter what my last name was. I did use to believe I was better than people, but then I had this one foster sister, she’d grown up in poverty, her father was dead her mother a meth addict, and there we were in the exact same place. I never thought I was better ever again.”
“It’s impressive that you were able to grow like that, some people wouldn’t have.”
“I don’t think it was any skill of mine, had nothing to do with my character. I just couldn’t lie to myself any longer, couldn’t stay like them.”
“I think the fact that you were ever lying to yourself at all is a testament to your character,” James said softly.
Regulus’s voice was hard when he spoke again. “I’m not like Sirius,” he said. “I wasn’t good, I didn’t see through it. I never fought for myself or anyone else. Fuck I didn’t even want to leave, you know my family was reported twice? One of my coaches saw the bruises, he knew Sirius had run away and put the pieces together but when someone came to check, I lied. I didn’t want to leave, and there wasn’t any real proof, I played a contact sport after all, and of course, I had bruises. The second time I tried to lie too it just didn’t work. I don’t think I’m a bad person, not really, but I’m not good and I certainly wasn’t then.”
“I know you’re not Sirius, but do you Regulus?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Regulus snapped.
James’s voice was calm and level when he spoke, “You’re entirely different people, you went through hell in that house and you both handled it differently. Yes, Sirius reacted by fighting, rebelling, and running away. Yes, he has spoken out against your parents at every chance, because that’s the kind of person he is. You can’t hold how he reacted as the standard of what is ‘good’ or the ‘right’ way to handle things. You were both children who never should have been in that situation in the first place. You’re not Sirius and you can’t expect yourself to have handled it like he did. You’re so very different, and in the end, you made it out and you know who you are now. You’re smart and caring and you weren’t raised to be good but you managed it anyway, I can see it in how much you love your family, how you talk about your band. You’re so full of love and if you’re a little picky about who you give it to or are quicker to react badly, then that doesn’t make you bad. It just makes you a human being who went through a lot of shit.”
Not for the first time, Regulus was quiet. James didn’t speak, just gave Regulus the time he needed, just listening to him breathe. He’d spent years knowing a Regulus Black who didn’t speak, James was realizing even though he did now, he often needed a moment to get it out.
Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Regulus’s voice came in a whisper. “Sirius hates me now.”
James wouldn’t lie. “Yeah, I think so. I also think he doesn’t know you, not anymore. I think if he did he wouldn’t.”
“I couldn’t take that risk,” Regulus said stiffly. “Because if it wasn’t true if he knew who I am now and still didn’t like me, I don’t know how I’d live with it. I like who I am better now, I wouldn’t know how to if he didn’t. I- god, I used to think so fucking highly of him, for years he was the only person who loved me and then he left. And look, I don’t blame him, but I can’t forgive him for it either.”
“You don’t have to, I’m not asking or expecting you to just because I’m Sirius’s friend.”
“You’re more than his friend, you’re his person. I used to hate you for it, first time you walked into the music room I wanted to knock your head into the piano, but you were always so nice to me. Even when I didn’t talk, even when I knew Sirius must have been saying bad things about me.”
“Do you still hate me for it?”
“I may have some lingering bitterness, the severity depends on how annoying you’re being.”
James laughed at that. “Noted. Well, I don’t mind, you’re allowed to be bitter. I know the two of you have a very complicated history. So… was that a no to coming over this weekend?”
That hadn’t seemed to be what Regulus was expecting James to finish with and he let out a small laugh of surprise. “I’ll come,” he sighed. “But only to see the animals.”
“Good,” James said feeling proud that Regulus was agreeing. “If you want you can stay the weekend? Unless you have plans.”
“For once, I don’t. Dorcas had some convention so no studio time, I’m really just supposed to use the time to write. We need more songs for the album, so that was my only plan.”
“Well, I’ll tell you, I do my best songwriting at the farm, something about it is so peaceful. It’s nice to get away from the city.”
“Yeah, my family lives outside of L.A. but not that far. Even so, it’s easier to breathe out there.”
“Exactly, everyone thinks I’m crazy for refusing to buy an apartment here, but I’m happy where I am. If it takes some hours to get home, it’s worth it.”
“No, I think I get it. We’ll see if the place lives up to the poetic you’re waxing about it.”
James smiled to himself. “I think you’ll be impressed. So, can I pick you up Friday?”
“In the truck with no aux?”
“Yup, if you have any CDs bring them,”
Regulus sighed. “Fine, what time?”
“Three? Four?”
“Three works,” Regulus said. “Now I’m hanging up on you, you’ve emotionally exhausted me, Potter.”
“That’s fair, good night Regulus.”
“Night, James.”
The line went dead, and James had to resist the urge to kick his feet and giggle like a child.
Oh, he was so, so fucked.
Notes:
one more chapter for you guys and then I'll probably go to posting once a week. I've almost finished writing so after I break down the remaining chapters I'll see how many I wind up with and figure out my posting schedule from there. I normally update my other fic anti-hero on Friday so I may choose Sunday or something for this one.
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
“I don’t know what your music taste is, but I also definitely don’t trust it,” Regulus said dumping a pile of CDs on James’s lap.
James just arched an amused eyebrow, beginning to sort through the CDs as Regulus tossed his bag in the back and climbed into the passenger seat. He did not struggle thank you very much because Regulus wasn’t that short, the truck was just unreasonably high.
“One Direction?” James asked holding up a CD as Regulus pulled the car door shut.
“Yeah, you got a problem with that Potter?”
“Nope,” James grinned opening the CD and popping the disk into his dashboard. “I love One Direction I just half expected Beethoven or something.”
“Well, there may or may not be a collection of Vivaldi’s greatest works in there too,” Regulus admitted, and James threw his head back laughing easily.
“Of course, there is,” he said clearly delighted by this. “Anything else I’ll be surprised by?”
“There’s some K-pop,” Regulus shrugged. “Taylor Swift, Queen, ABBA, the Smiths, the Beatles, multiple Vivaldi compilations, maybe a little Tchaikovsky, the Tangled soundtrack...”
James seemed utterly charmed as he shook his head. “That may be the strangest collection of music I’ve ever heard.”
“It’s music,” Regulus shrugged. “Why stick to things as silly as genres?”
“Why indeed?” James smiled.
Regulus wasn’t sure why he thought the entire experience would be awkward. Even though they’d been texting (or James had been texting and Regulus had been ignoring him), and had a couple of revealing conversations, they’d only really interacted in person a few times and Regulus had become increasingly nervous about this trip over the remainder of the week. Maybe it’d been a hoax? Maybe this was going to go terribly wrong. How could Regulus secretly be friends with his estranged brother’s best friend? It was doomed to turn into a disaster.
If it’d been awkward Regulus could have turned his back that weekend and never talked to James Potter ever again. It wasn’t.
Actually, everything about it felt painfully natural.
James’s truck was clearly old, the blue paint faded and the seats worn, but it also seemed well cared for. It was clean and in pretty good condition despite its age. There were stickers all over the glove compartment with the names of different states, cities, and countries. James told Regulus it was a tradition, that he always tried to get a sticker every place he went to. He was trying to collect one from every state in America at least, he complained that he was still missing Ohio (which was fair, who wanted to go to Ohio?), Rhode Island, and Kansas.
“The thing is, I’ve been to all of those places,” James complained. “But it was on tour and it can be really hard to find time to go out and buy stickers when you’re working. Sometimes I can find them in airports or at rest stops, but it really depends on where we wind up.”
Regulus decided if he ever went to any of those places he’d bring James back a sticker.
They talked effortlessly; the drive didn’t even feel so long even as night crept up. James played Regulus’s music without complaint singing along softly to songs he knew and drumming his fingers on the steering wheel to the ones he didn’t. They were quiet for long stretches of time, but Regulus felt content in the silence, comfortable and at ease. When they talked it was easy, just grabbing little bits of each other’s life, arguing back and forth. It was addicting to jab at James sharply and to only see him smile delightedly in return. James kept up with Regulus’s attitude easily and it was nice to feel like he didn’t need to filter himself.
When they had to stop at a rest stop, Regulus was admittedly worried, he didn’t want to be spotted but James quickly assured him that wouldn’t be a problem. Sure enough, it turned out to be a small brick building with nothing but a bathroom and a single vending machine which was empty except for two bags of peanuts. There wasn’t another car in the entire parking lot. James insisted they stop and eat something before getting back on the road, He pulled a cooler out and handed Regulus a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, something he hadn’t eaten in years. The first time he’d had one was at Andy’s and he was actually rather fond of the sandwich. Regulus simply stared at it for a second before he decided to eat it, but James even though he’d witnessed the hesitation didn’t comment or look at him strangely. Instead, he just smiled as he always seemed to be doing and pulled down the barrier in the truck bed so they could sit in the back. Regulus hopped up next to James his feet swinging over the unpaved parking lot, and they ate their sandwiches in easy silence. Eventually, James got up to turn his truck back on and cranked up the music, so it spilled into the night, bobbing his head as he climbed back up next to Regulus.
“You’ll waste gas,” Regulus told him, but James just shrugged.
“Eh, we’re not far now.”
Regulus leaned back to look up at the night sky as James finished his food, he could see the stars glinting above and slowly he began to pick out the constellations like he used to as a child. It’d been a long time since he’s taken the time to look up, not that you could see the stars in half the places he spent most of his time in.
“What are you thinking?” James nudged him.
“Hm,” Regulus turned his head to look up at James, his glasses glinting in the dim light. “I’m thinking that I always think I hate California, but it’s not true. I don’t even hate L.A. just parts of it.”
“California gets a bad name I think, people imagine it as fake, all surfers palm trees, and celebs. I grew up in rural California and people always seem to forget it exists, but I love it around here. Even though I used to complain about how unexciting it was when I was younger... when I started Hogwarts I missed it a lot. Now that I technically live in L.A. whether I own an apartment or not, I know I’ll still come back here one day when I’m ready to settle down. You know, once I’ve lived all my excitement. My parents have always been clear that the farm is mine once I’m ready. They don’t mind staying here, they love it, but they’ve always said one day they’re retiring and buying a house on the beach.”
“You’ve lived your fair share of exciting, I’m sure,” Regulus pointed out. “How will you know when it’s time to settle down?”
“Well, I mean a lot of things, my band of course. I’d never abandon them, so when it feels right for us all to step back. But also, I kind of always assumed I’d find someone to settle down with. I thought it’d be Lily, my manager for a long time but I’ve realized by now that was probably never in the cards. I’m still holding out hope though.”
Oh, James was into his manager, great, wonderful. Regulus wasn’t sure why he felt disappointed by the thought.
“You think she’ll return your feelings one day?” Regulus asked forcing himself not to show any emotions.
“Oh no, absolutely not,” James said quickly, laughing in amusement. “I doubt I will ever live to see that day. No, I meant holding out hope I’ll find someone.”
“I’m sure there’s a girl out there somewhere for you,” Regulus told him, and as much as it left a bitter taste in his mouth, he meant it too. James was such a bright and lovely person, Regulus had never known anyone like him. The man deserved to find someone as equally amazing.
Something conflicted passed over James’s face but it was gone in an instant and he just nodded. “I hope so, it’s just difficult. You know better than anyone how demanding our jobs can be, and what the lifestyle is like, I mean with tours, and album cycles… it can get crazy. It’s difficult to meet people or have authentic relationships, especially because I don’t want to fool around, you know? I want to meet someone I can spend the rest of my life with, or at least believe I might be able to.”
“I understand, I mean, the thought had never really crossed my mind, I’ll admit. I can see it for you though, you seem like the kind of person who would thrive with a wife and a dog and a couple of kids.”
“I’d like four,” James grinned and Regulus involuntarily grimaced.
“Oh, Jesus, that’s a lot.”
James chuckled at his reaction. “Some people think so, but I’d love to have a big family. I was an only child and I’ve always wished I’d had a sibling. Do you not like kids?”
“I mean they’re fine, I love my little sister Dora, Andromeda’s daughter… she’s a good kid though. Also, not my sole responsibility, with the way I grew up I’m not sure I could ever have kids. I wouldn’t want to ruin them like my parents did me, also I’m not keen to pass on my genes, you know, inbreeding and all in the Black family.”
James looked entirely unsurprised when anyone else would have choked and that was one of the moments when Regulus was reminded that this was Sirius’s best friend. He’d probably heard similar, if not far worse comments from Sirius over the years. One of the things Regulus had noticed was that James didn’t bring Sirius up, didn’t even mention him unless Regulus did first. Regulus had worked out by small little details that he essentially lived with Sirius when he wasn’t at his parents’ house, but he always just said he lived with friends. Now, he didn’t bring up Sirius either even though Regulus was sure the thought had crossed his mind, he just stood jumping down and holding out a hand to help Regulus.
“For what it’s worth,” James said as he enveloped Regulus’s smaller hand with his own, one hand grazing Regulus’s waist as he pulled him out of the truck bed, keeping Regulus steady. “I think you’d be a great father.”
Regulus stepped back, letting go of James’s hand and ignoring the way he could still feel the trail of the brief touch on his waist. “Maybe, but I don’t think I could risk it if I’m not.”
He wanted to scream, to pound his head on the dashboard. Regulus spent the remainder of the drive trying to erase the memory of James’s touch from his mind.
--
Regulus had come to the terrible conclusion that it definitely wasn’t a hoax. It was bad, just fucking awful because Regulus was afraid he’d become increasingly obsessed. Everything James did was lovely and perfect, every smile, every joke. They just fit. They fit in a way Regulus wasn’t sure he’d ever fit with anyone in his life, and it was agonizing because James was his brother's best friend, not to mention straight. And even if he hadn’t been any of those things, he clearly wanted something very different than Regulus. He wanted to raise four kids on his parents’ farm, get married, and have perfect domestic bliss forever. Even if James had wanted him, Regulus could never give James Potter any of those things. Regulus didn’t even know if he had any forever in him. The only people he’d ever kept were Andy, Ted, Dora, and his band. That was it, and even then, Regulus still lived in fear of the day they’d decide they didn’t want him.
There were a million reasons why Regulus should have turned away from James, but god fucking damnit, they just fit so well.
“So, your star is part of the Leo constellation…” James said slowly.
“Yes, as I just said.”
“So, you’re like a lion,” James smirked a worrying glint in his eyes.
“I don’t see how the fuck I am?” Regulus crossed his arms.
“You remind me of a lion, like a baby lion.”
“I’ll murder you.”
“Please do, I look forward to it,” Regulus narrowed his eyes glaring sharply and James’s annoying grin only widened. “Oh my god, yes. Baby Lion, little lion.”
“I’m not a little lion,” Regulus scoffed.
“I disagree, I’m going to change your contact’s name to Little Lion,” he said grabbing his phone.
“Don’t you dare, I will come into your room and cut your throat while you sleep.”
James was unfazed by the threat simply typing something into his phone with a flourish. “It’s done, I expect I better show you where the knives are so you can cut my throat tonight.”
Regulus may have later grabbed James’s phone to change it back but when he caught sight of the contact reading ‘Little Lion <3’ (with a fucking heart? What the actual hell?) he might have left it. Possibly, that’s not to say Regulus did, only that he may have… possibly.
Regulus did not in fact cut James’s throat that night and the next day was spent introducing Regulus to the various animals and listening to tales about James’s childhood. James cooked and Regulus helped, he even ate most of it. They did pretty much nothing, simply existed and laughed together and it was perfect.
On Sunday afternoon they piled back into James’s truck, this time it was James’s turn to pick the music and Regulus found he didn’t actually hate his music taste. The drive back was quieter and Regulus pulled out his notebook, determined to get a little writing done at least. He was so immersed in the song forming in his head that Regulus didn’t even realize he was humming softly to himself and at some point, James had turned off the music. He looked up suddenly feeling embarrassed.
“Sorry.”
James looked away from the road for a moment to frown at Regulus. “What for?”
“I was humming,”
“Oh,” James scoffed. “Don’t be sorry, literally all my closest friends are musicians. Do you know how often I listen to Pete drumming on random objects? Somebody is always humming or singing or just making some sort of noise. Trust me humming is nothing, plus it was nice. I like the melody.”
“Thanks,” Regulus said quietly. “I need to play it on piano, it’s not all fleshed out yet.”
“I’m sure it’ll be beautiful, everything you make is.”
Regulus couldn’t even find it in himself to refute the compliment instead he just tried not to blush and turned back to his lyrics.
--
The Marauders spent six hours in tour rehearsal on Thursday. It was literal hell. They’d finalized their set list and now that it was time to actually put together the arrangements and performances, James could feel the creeping shadow of the upcoming tour. Honestly, it was fucking exhausting, touring was not for the weak and as much as he loved performing, James found himself dreading it this time.
“Is it just me or does tour get harder every time?” Peter complained.
“We might be getting old,” Remus said to which Sirius scoffed.
“Speak for yourself, I’m not old.”
“We’re the same age,” Remus pointed out.
James tossed a throw pillow at Sirius before he could continue arguing. “Quit it you two.”
Sirius glared and Remus just clicked his tongue in disapproval leading Sirius to then turn his glare on Moony instead. The band had all come over to Sirius’s to have dinner after rehearsal, but the truth was they were all pretty wired, even Lily usually the calmest was fidgeting in her seat on the couch.
They’d meant to watch a movie but hadn’t gotten any further than turning the TV on, so it was now blasting some talk show at full volume. James was more focused on the throw pillow war that had begun between Sirius and Peter than whatever stupid interview was one and it wasn’t until he heard his own name that he looked up.
“…your use of classical influence and lyrics full of imagery is similar to James Potter’s from the band The Marauders,” the host was saying. “Especially with your recent single ‘Antithesis’ people have been making comparisons to James Potter’s work, what do you think of that? Did you draw inspiration from his work?”
As James’s head swung around to look at the TV, the rest of his friends seemed to follow his gaze to where Regulus Black sat on screen with the rest of Slytherin, his suit perfectly tailored, and his curls styled meticulously.
“My music is my own music, I’m not the first nor will I be the last to use my classical education in mainstream music.”
“So, is it safe to say you don’t appreciate the comparison?” the interviewer prodded and even through the screen, James recognized the sharp danger in Regulus’s gaze.
There was an edge of dark mischief in his smile before Regulus shrugged. “I think it’s an insult to my work to compare it to anything James Potter has written, you can’t tell me that man knows which end of a pen you write with.”
“Jesus,” Lily gasped at the mean comment.
James immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter as on-screen Pandora’s eyes widened ever so slightly and the host quickly changed the subject. Remus had the sense to quickly turn the TV off as it was the rule to always pretend Regulus didn’t exist around Sirius. Sirius, who was currently looking at James incredulously.
“That was really mean,” Peter raised an eyebrow as James just chuckled shaking his head.
“Oh yeah,” he said with probably more glee than he should have. “It was, entirely uncalled for.”
Sirius just sighed. “I don’t know what your parents fed you as a child that makes things just bounce off you, but I need some of it.”
“I think it was love,” James shrugged. “They’re always happy to give you some of that.”
“I am in need of my Effie and Monty dose soon,” Sirius lamented, thankfully he didn’t seem too upset by seeing Regulus on the TV. There was really no telling how he’d receive these things; it depended on the day.
“They’re home now, maybe next weekend we'll visit if we can swing it.”
“Assuming tour prep doesn’t kill you by then,” Peter groaned.
James’s phone dinged and he pulled it from his pocket.
I forgot to tell you I insulted you on national television. Anyway, apparently it just aired and it’s all over Twitter so beware.
James laughed to himself shaking his head.
Yeah Regulus. I just saw it thank u so much.
Nearly gave me a heart attack I laughed so hard.
U know u could have just said we learned from the same music teacher. Perfectly reasonable explanation for why there are similarities.
Regulus’s reply was almost instant, and James smiled as the text bubble popped up.
That isn’t nearly as much fun.
And we need to have a talk about why you’re so delighted by people insulting you.
Everyone is going to be talking about this.
They’ll think we hate each other.
Little Lion <3:
Let them.
It’ll be fun, you insult me next
Right, I forgot u were a little menace.
Actually I didn’t.
But I’m not doing that
I told u Lily will kill me
Little Lion <3:
Pussy
James almost choked on his laughter at Regulus’s response. That boy was dangerous, and he was going to be the death of James, he was sure.
“Who are you texting, Prongs?” Peter asked raising his eyebrows suggestively.
“No one you idiot,” James rolled his eyes. “A friend,”
“You don’t have any other friends besides us,” Sirius pointed out.
“Not true,” James protested dropping his phone on the coffee table. “Frank and Alice are my friends, also, Marlene and Dorcas,”
“You don’t need anyone besides us. You’re not allowed to have other friends, Prongsie,” Sirius huffed flopping on the couch beside Remus who absentmindedly reached out to poke him like annoying Sirius was an instinct. Sirius grabbed his fingers as he did, twisting his hand away.
On the table, James’s phone buzzed and Peter was grabbing it before James could. “Hey!” he protested.
“Wow, ‘Little Lion’ with a heart…” he paused making a disgusted face, “says, ‘you being a pussy aside, I had fun this weekend. Still out of the city but I got you a Rhode Island sticker which you can have once I’m back' oh my god?” Peter’s eyes widened. “James, who is this? Do you have a girlfriend? She got you a sticker for your truck? And she called you a pussy? It’s love!”
James groaned snatching his phone back from Peter. “It’s not a girlfriend, just a friend.”
“A friend whose contact name is ‘Little Lion’ with a heart?”
“It’s a joke,” James protested.
“Is that where you were this weekend, with her?” Peter asked.
“I went home, remember my parents were away.”
There was a moment’s pause and then suddenly Sirius was jumping up. “Oh my fucking god, James Potter you took a girl to the farm?” He asked in shock. “You’re seeing someone, aren’t you? Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Because I’m not. It isn’t like that, we’re friends and even if we weren’t it’d never work. So yes I did take them there but not because we’re getting fucking married or something, but because we’re friends. I’ve taken all of you guys there,” he pointed out heatedly.
“Yeah but we’re all your closest friends,” Lily said calmly. “It is a bit unexpected you’d bring someone else there, but of course, it’s your home you can do whatever you like. It’s not like you can’t make new friends, it’s just surprising you didn’t tell us.”
“I would normally,” James insisted. “It's just a whole thing with their career, and if anyone knew… it’s complicated.”
Lily looked slightly suspicious at that. “This isn’t something that if it gets out we’ll have a scandal on our hands, is it?” she asked.
“No, no.” James lied quickly. “It’s just a privacy thing for them.”
“So she’s not your girlfriend?” Peter asked suspiciously.
“No,” James sighed making a split-second decision. “He is not my girlfriend.”
“Oh,” Peter said soundly slightly disappointed. “Why didn’t you just say it was a guy from the start?”
“Well, I mean as I said we’re just friends, but it wouldn’t make much of a difference regardless of the gender seeing as I am queer,”
There was a moment of stunned silence and then Sirius was gasping loudly. “What the fuck? You’re queer?”
“Problem?” James asked raising an eyebrow.
“No of fucking course not you dumbass,” Sirius crossed his arms voice rising. “I’m queer! But I didn’t know that! Did anyone else know that?”
Both Lily and Peter shook their heads, but Remus didn’t, and Sirius instantly spun on the two of them. “You told Remus before me?” he asked accusingly.
“It’s not like I was ‘coming out’ or something, Pads. I wasn’t really hiding it I just happened to never mention it. It just came up with Remus recently.”
“And don’t be offended he told me first when your immediate reaction is to start yelling,” Remus scoffed
“Only because it’s surprising! I know everything about James, how did I not know this?”
“Because believe it or not the two of you are not actually one person.”
“We are, we’re merging together that’s why we’re both gay now. I’m influencing him.”
“I think he’d be queer with or without you.”
Sirius poked Remus hard in the shoulder and Remus reached up grabbing his wrist, they’d been touching even more than usual recently, James realized. Even when they were bickering—
James gasped aloud suddenly a realization hitting him. “Oh my god you two are sleeping together!”
They both froze eyes widening and Sirius instantly blushed. “I- I mean we’re not just, we’re you know…”
“Dating,” Remus supplied calmly.
“Oh, thank the lord and heavens above,” Peter groaned.
“Finally,” Lily echoed shaking her head. “I thought I’d die before you two worked yourselves out.”
Sirius just gaped. “Oh my god, did you all know?”
“I told you they did,” Remus huffed, kicking at Sirius’s shin and forcing him to step back collapsing back on the couch.
“Well, I didn’t think it was that obvious,” Sirius frowned.
“Literally everyone knew but you two,” James rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything when you got together though?”
“I dunno,” Sirius looked to Remus. “We were worried about throwing off the dynamic and if you’d all be okay with it—”
“Of course we are,” Peter said smiling. “I’m so glad you guys are together, you’ve been in love with each other for years. We were just waiting for you to realize it.”
“So does anyone else have any secrets they want to share tonight?” Lily sighed. “You lot might just kill me.”
“Don’t worry Lils,” Peter said patting her on the shoulder. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a secret in my life.”
“That’s because you tell everyone literally everything,” James pointed out.
Peter couldn’t even argue that and he just nodded. “If you guys have more secrets definitely don’t trust me with them,”
“Oh Pete,” Remus shook his head “we know.”
They all laughed, no doubt remembering different times in their life Peter had accidentally outed different secrets.
“Remember that time…” Sirius began, and James sat back to listen to the wild tale of their school days, even though he’d been there and remembered it clearly. It was nice to just sit back and listen, surrounded by his favorite people.
--
“James, James! Did you hear what Regulus Black said about you? Do you have any comments?” The interviewer thrust a microphone in his face and James just smiled easily.
“I did hear, and I’m not bothered by it. I’m confident in my own abilities and the side of the pen you write with, it’s the side that clicks, right?” He sent a wink to the camera before dancing away, laughing to himself.
--
“I think I have to get an apartment,” James sighed.
Regulus lifted his head from the couch rising to prop himself on his elbows. “Really? I thought you were vehemently against that.”
“I was,” he acknowledged, “but now Sirius and Remus are dating and I keep… erm- walking in on them.” He made a face. “But anyway, the truth of the matter is I won’t be settling down anytime soon, probably not for years. So, I might as well, I mean, it’s not like I’m buying a house, it isn’t forever. But this isn’t working anymore.”
“Have they not been dating for like a decade or something?” he scoffed. “You better send me pictures I don’t trust your taste, Potter,”
“Firstly, you would think they were, but no. Secondly, it’s my apartment, Reg,”
“And?”
“Fine,” James didn’t even bother to argue any further. “You can help me choose. You might as well since I’m sure you’ll be there all the time.”
“Will I?”
“Course, much better than sneaking into your house when your bandmates aren’t here.”
“We’re not sneaking, we’re just being private. My friends would absolutely eat you alive.”
“I could handle myself,” James insisted, and Regulus snorted entirely unconvinced.
“Whatever you say, Jamie,” he sighed, and James’s heart definitely did not skip a beat at the stupid nickname Regulus only insisted on using because he found out James hated it.
And James was definitely not growing to love the way the nickname fell from Regulus’s lips.
--
“Are you coming to the party Marls?” James asked clasping his hands together. “It’s the first party in my new apartment, it’s a big deal.”
“I would,” Marlene said apologetically. “But it’s my friend’s birthday.”
James paused, right Marlene was Regulus’s friend. Regulus had tried to hide that it was his birthday, but James was too smart for that and had pulled it out of him. Of course, James couldn’t celebrate the day of, but they had plans for his after-birthday celebration just the two of them and James was excited.
“Fine, next time?” James asked hopefully.
“Of course, I’m excited to see the place. If I had any other plans I would cancel but these are important.”
“No, no, I get it. My apartment will still be there, you turn twenty-eight once.”
Marlene smiled at first and then she paused brow furrowing. “James?” she said accusingly.
“Hm?”
“How did you know how old my friend is turning?”
“Oh,” James paused, fuck. “You must have mentioned.”
“I definitely didn’t. Do you know what friend I’m talking about?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Regulus?”
“I- yeah…” James admitted.
“I didn’t realize you knew him,” she said slowly.
“Of course, I do, we went to school together you know, he’s Sirius’s brother.”
“But how’d you know that I’m friends with him? I’ve never mentioned it, I did that on purpose really, in case Sirius was upset by it.”
“Well, I saw you together at that afterparty, watching hockey?” It wasn’t a lie, really, just not the entire truth.
“Oh, you didn’t tell Sirius did you?”
“It’s not my business,” James shrugged. “Sirius doesn’t own you, you’re allowed to have other friends, Marls.”
“I know,” she sighed. “Sometimes it just feels like a betrayal, you know?”
He did.
--
James threw his front door open smiling widely. “Look at my apartment!”
Regulus just laughed stepping around him. “It looks like an apartment, very nice.”
“No, it looks like a beautiful apartment.”
Regulus glanced around as James shut the door. “Breathtaking,” he deadpanned.
“You helped me pick it, surely it must live up to your standards.”
“It lives up to my standards for you,”
James scoffed. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means if I were picking it for myself it’d be better,”
“Why this place is great?”
“It’s boring,”
“And? I’ll put up some pictures or something.”
“Yes, exactly why it’s good for you.”
James just rolled his eyes. “Okay, happy birthday Reg, stop being a menace and I’ll give you your birthday presents.”
“Presents? Plural? James, you better not have.”
“It’s little things I swear." He stood grabbing the two boxes from the counter he handed the bigger one to Regulus who made an unhappy face but opened it anyway, pulling the paper off.
His eyes widened as he pulled the small notebook and pen out, looking so genuinely surprised James melted.
“Since you’re always working on music, and I know you prefer to actually write with a pen and paper. This is small enough that you can carry it with you, but hopefully good enough quality to live up to your standards.”
Regulus opened the notebook rubbing the paper between his fingers. “It is,” he said softly, “It’s exactly right.”
“Well, the lady at the shop did help me a little bit, but I did pick the green since it’s your favorite color.”
“Thank you, James,” Regulus said sounding entirely genuine for once. “It’s perfect.”
“Good, I was scared it’d be all wrong,” James admitted. “Now your second present,” he held out the second box and Regulus took it tentatively.
He opened it slowly pulling out a key fastened to a chain, he looked to James in question. “What…”
“It’s for my apartment,” Regulus’s mouth fell open no doubt to protest but James quickly cut him off before he could protest. “Look, just hear me out. You always complain about feeling suffocated in your house when everyone is there or lonely when it’s empty with how big the place is. This way you can come here whenever you want, and I’m going on tour in a couple of months anyway, so it’ll be empty for a while. Might as well put it to use, huh? I have an extra room and plenty of space. I want you to have somewhere to go when you need to get away. It’s a quiet space to work on music at the very least.”
“I-“ Regulus shook his head helplessly. “Are you sure?”
“Do you think I would have given it to you if I wasn’t?” James scoffed. “Of course I’m sure.”
“Fine,” Regulus sighed. “I’ll keep it but that doesn’t mean I’ll use it,”
“Okay, but I hope you will. I mean it when I say you’re welcome literally anytime ever.”
“It might take me a while longer to believe that” Regulus admitted his eyes downcast.
James stepped closer and Regulus looked up. “That’s okay, I’ll wait.”
“Really?”
“Always.”
“What if I don’t believe that either?”
“I’ll prove it to you.”
Regulus didn’t reply, his gaze was dark, hungry almost and James didn’t get it at first until his eyes flicked down to James’s lips and then back up. Wait- what? No, no James must have imagined that, they were standing far too close, it was getting to his head. Regulus was getting in his head, what else was new?
Regulus with his soft curls and messy clothing, his sweatshirt which was too long. He’d rolled up the sleeves, but one had come undone and it was almost past his hand, only his fingers poking out. Regulus who ranted about ‘taste’ but dressed more carelessly than even James when left to his own devices. Regulus who was soft yet also sharp and rough around the edges, who let James touch him sometimes but pulled away just as often. Regulus who for a split-second James could have sworn was looking at his lips. But no. No, Regulus was straight and that was that, end of story.
James stepped back suddenly and the weird tension between them shattered, Regulus blinked.
“I think we need to get terribly drunk to celebrate you making it past twenty-seven."
Regulus cleared his throat, he blinked again. “Yes, I agree. Bring out the alcohol.”
And just like that, the moment was gone as if it’d never even happened at all. Maybe it hadn’t, maybe James had simply imagined it.
--
Here was the thing.
Sirius Black was perfectly happy with his life. It’d taken him a very long time to get that way, once he wouldn’t have believed it possible. Somehow he’d gotten there.
Not to say it was perfect, it definitely wasn’t perfect because at the moment he was in the process of fighting with Remus over what kind of pasta sauce to buy. Hope Lupin had sent them out to get groceries and Sirius could admit he’d been increasingly agitated all day, but he couldn’t help it, he was nervous about telling the Lupins who he’d known for years that he was now dating their son.
It was as Sirius was about to launch into a speech about why the Garlic pasta sauce was better than the mushroom one when a shocked voice spoke. “Sirius?”
Sirius sighed internally, turning ready to be met with some excitable fan. Instead, he froze just as shocked because standing in the grocery aisle was his cousin.
“Andy?”
“Sirius,” she repeated shaking her head. “I- you don’t live around here do you?”
“No, Remus’s parents do,” He gestured to Remus who was looking between the two of them curiously.
Andy opened her mouth but was interrupted as a young girl no older than twelve or thirteen came bounding over, pink braids bouncing as she walked. “Mom, I couldn’t find the whole wheat cereal, I only found the normal cornflakes.”
Andy paused turning to the girl who Sirius realized in shock must have been her daughter. “That’s okay sweetheart, we’ll just get those then.”
She frowned. “Dad will complain, you know he’s gonna take it out and say ‘you know your brother only eats the whole wheat ones’ and then you’re gonna say it’s fine, and dad will be like ‘okay, okay’ but then Reggie will get home tomorrow, and he won’t have cornflakes and he’ll be upset because he only eats those cornflakes. What if his boyfriend only liked whole wheat?”
Andy raised her eyebrows. “Dora, your brother does not have a boyfriend.”
“Uh, huh? Who’s the guy he’s always texting then, he keeps smiling at his phone. I tried to read his texts and he called me a brat and then cursed a bit. You should get him in trouble for that by the way, Mom. It was rude. You could ground him.”
“He’s twenty-eight, I can’t ground him. But I will talk to Regulus about his language.”
“Good,” she crossed her arms in satisfaction. “But he definitely has a boyfriend, I heard them on the phone last time he was home, he kept laughing and I said ‘Regulus what are you laughing at’ and he told me to fuck off.”
“Dora, that’s not appropriate language.”
“I’m only repeating what he said, it’s not like I’m using it towards him like he did to me. It’s okay though, you don’t need to talk to him about it because he said he loved me after, so I forgave him.” The girl paused in her tangent, chewing on a piece of bubble gum as she seemed to realize she had an audience. “Oh, mom did you make grocery store friends again?”
“Uh, no.” she said slowly. “This is my cousin Sirius and his friend Remus.”
Dora looked at both of them, eyes quickly fixing on Sirius, as they narrowed. “Isn’t Regulus your cousin mom?”
“Yes, Sirius is Regulus’s brother.”
Dora frowned and frankly, Sirius felt like somebody had just taken his brains and scrambled them. “Oh, Regulus is my brother too.” She said as if that was that.
“What?” Sirius finally squeaked out and Andromeda grimaced.
“Dora, can you go grab two loaves of bread for me, sweetheart?”
The girl raised an eyebrow but nodded after a second turning and heading deeper into the store.
“Um, based on your expression I take it you didn’t know,” Andy said slowly.
“Know what?”
“That Regulus lived with us.”
“I- no, since when?”
“Since he was sixteen,” Andy admitted.
“I don’t understand… what about our parents?”
“Well, he was removed from their care after… well there was an accident. He was in foster care for a while before Ted and I were able to take him in. It took a long time to get him settled but he did eventually, and he’s been part of our lives ever since. We reached out when you first left too, but you were with the Potters.”
“I- yes I remember… but why didn’t you ever reach out again? Why didn’t you tell me Regulus had left?”
“Well, you made it clear you wanted no association with any Blacks and I wanted to respect your wishes no matter what I thought. As for Reg, well he never wanted us to tell you and it wasn’t our place to go behind his back.”
“But he left,” Sirius repeated unable to process any of this.
“Not of his own volition, but eventually, he was glad he did.”
“I never knew,” Sirius said hollowly.
“Can I give you my phone number?” She said as Dora reappeared, bread in hand. “I don’t need your number, I won’t push you, but that way if you ever want to talk you’ll have an opening.”
“Do, do you see him often?”
“Regulus? As often as possible, he’s busy of course, and an adult, but his home is still with us.”
“Okay,” Sirius said his voice choked. He pulled his phone out. “You can put your number in, but I don’t know if I’ll contact you.”
“That’s okay, just think about it,” Andy said softly.
When they were in the car, Remus didn’t start it and they just sat there for a moment, in silence.
“Pads?”
“I don’t understand,” Sirius said fiercely, looking up to meet Remus’s eyes. “My parents never disowned him, I'd know. Everyone knew about me, but there was never a word about Regulus. They still don’t speak out about him, and he doesn’t talk about them. He has never once said he disagrees with their beliefs, but did you hear what Andy’s daughter said?”
“Which part,” Remus said softly.
“She said Regulus has a boyfriend? A boyfriend Remus? My parents kicked me out for being gay, how could Regulus be gay too and agree with them? How could he have lived with Andy who was disowned as well if he agreed with them? It doesn’t make sense. And if he wasn’t like them, if he wasn’t a homophobic bigoted asshole, then why the fuck has he never said a word to me?”
“Pads,” Remus reached out cupping Sirius’s face. “I can’t pretend to understand any of the decisions Regulus made or the relationship between you two. If you want to know those answers you probably have to ask him.”
“I- I can’t do that,” Sirius swallowed. “Even if I got up the nerve to reach out, he’s stayed away from me all these years. Even though he must not hate me for being queer, then he hates me for another reason. And I hate him too, I’ve hated his guts for years I don’t know how to stop doing that, and even if I could… I never knew how to talk to Regulus, not after we started Hogwarts. He stopped talking and I could never get through that wall he had, god I used to be so jealous of James…” he muttered.
“James?” Remus questioned in confusion.
“Yeah,” Sirius said softly. “They used to play together, remember? They’d go after classes every day and at first, I was mad at James when I found he was sticking around to play with Reggie because that was our thing, you know? But eventually, I was just jealous because Regulus never walked away from him, James always stayed, and they played together. And I never stayed. I could never communicate with Regulus and god, he barely even looked at me. I loved Regulus, I really, really, did. He was my baby brother and I lost him. I begged him to help me the day I ran away, I begged him to come with me and he just stared and then turned his back, didn’t say a single word even then… and I loved him, but I hate him too.”
“You don’t have to decide what you’re going to do now, there’s no rush. Take your time to process everything and see how you feel in a few days.”
Sirius sniffled looking up at his boyfriend. “Sorry for yelling at you about the pasta sauce,” he said weakly.
Remus just laughed pressing a quick kiss to Sirius’s cheek. “No you’re not and that’s fine. Just another day with you.”
“You don’t think you’ll get tired of it eventually?”
“I haven’t yet have I? Give me some credit Sirius, I’ve known you for more of my life than I haven’t at this point. I could never get tired of you.”
“You promise?”
“Swear it on my life.”
Sirius smiled wetly and Remus smiled too, because that’s how it’d always been.
--
Regulus wasn’t sure when it’d happened, sometime in between the weekend at James’s farm and Regulus’s birthday, he had come to the conclusion that he was deeply and undeniably attracted to James Potter. Like to the point where it was all he thought about, the other man’s glasses, his messy hair, and golden skin. To his absolute horror, Regulus kept having dreams about licking down his torso, it was bad. It was really, really bad. It was beyond just sexual attraction too, James had given Regulus a key to his apartment and even worse, Regulus had been using it! He’d somehow become comfortable in the space despite vowing not to use the key and with every day Regulus feared James Potter was burrowing deeper and deeper into his chest. The rosy glow of simply being with James had begun to dim, replaced by a lurking shadow of anxiety.
What was Regulus doing? James was straight, James wanted four kids and a farm and Regulus was a fucked up damaged ghost, wandering from relationship to relationship with women he hadn’t even liked. Regulus sucked the good out of everything around him, turning it dark and ugly. He couldn’t do that to James. He couldn’t look at his dirtied hand when it was over and know he had no one but himself to blame. God, Regulus was so selfish, he needed to let go. James was never his, it was never right, not when it was so complicated. They pretended it wasn’t but Regulus wasn’t sure he could ignore the rift with Sirius’s name between them any longer.
“Regulus, are you seeing someone?”
Regulus jerked upright. “Huh?”
“Dora thinks you are, she says you’ve been smiling at your phone.”
“Oh, I’m not,” Regulus said quickly. “I'm not seeing anyone.”
Andromeda frowned. “Okay, but something’s weighing on you, hon, is it about your brother? I know it’s a bit of a shock, I didn’t originally mean for him to learn anything about you, but it happened and if you’re mad at me I understand…”
“I’m not mad,” Regulus mumbled closing his eyes. “It’s not that... or it is but not exactly.”
Regulus felt her scooting closer on the couch her voice was gentle. “Tell me what’s wrong my love.” And oh, fuck Regulus didn’t mean to cry but Andy only called him ‘my love’ when she knew something was very wrong and suddenly Regulus couldn’t deny that something was very wrong.
“Oh, oh hon,” She whispered immediately enveloping him in her arms, holding him tight to her chest as if he was still a scared teenager. “I’ve got you, my love.”
Regulus just sobbed into her shoulder as she rubbed his back, whispering into his hair and he knew by now Andy would never judge him, but he felt pathetic. He was twenty-eight, half of the people his age were married with kids of their own, not crying into their guardian’s arms like a child.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispered as he pulled away.
“Don’t apologize,” she said firmly wiping at the tears on his cheeks. “Just talk to me.”
“I- I think I fucked up.” She waited for him to suck in a shaky breath stumbling over his choked words. “I think I fell in love with James Potter,” and then he was sobbing all over again and she held him close until there were no tears left and he pulled away shakily, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Tell me about it,” Andy said brushing his hair from his face.
“I- I bumped into him and it was nothing, and then I bumped into him again and he kept talking to me. I let him borrow my guitar case and when he brought it back he- I don’t get it he just kept coming back. We became friends and I asked him not to tell Sirius and a part of me never fully believed he’d never breathed a word until you told me you’d seen Sirius and he didn’t know anything. I don’t get it! Sirius and James are everything to each other and have been since they were eleven, I told James so much, about foster care, about coming here and it’s big news. Things he should have wanted to tell his best friend, but he didn’t. James kept my secrets but the more I think about it the more I think I should never have put him in this position. Now I’ve gone and fallen in love with him but he’s straight and he wants a wife and kids. I’ll never be that for him. The worst part is I genuinely think James loves me but not that way and… and it’s fucking killing me, Andy. I—” he broke off voice falling to a whisper. “I don’t know what to do… I’ve never been in love before and the first time I am it’s with someone I can never have.”
“Is advice okay or do you just want me to listen tonight?”
Regulus looked up wiping at his eyes. “Advice please,”
“Okay,” she reached out squeezing his shoulder. “Now this is just my opinion, but if you’re sure he’s straight, if you’re sure a relationship can’t happen, then it’s probably best to cut him free. Even without the added messiness of your brother in the middle, if James really can’t love you that way, don’t string yourself along. Just make sure you’re certain it won’t work before you end anything… maybe talk to him, be honest about how you feel, and see what he was to say. What’s the worst that can happen, he says he doesn’t feel the same which you’re already pretty certain about? Then you can try to let it go.”
“What if he’s disgusted that I have feelings for him?”
“Then he was never the friend you thought he was.”
“Okay… okay.” He took a deep breath. “I just don’t understand how this happened. It’s all so hard.”
“I know hon, I know…” Andy said softly and Regulus laid his head on her shoulder and tried to breathe.
--
Regulus had been acting weird. Granted James had barely seen him lately they’d both been so busy, he could still tell something was off. When they did manage to hang out Regulus always seemed like he had something to say. A few times he’d even call James’s name, open his mouth and then promptly close it muttering a quick excuse. Now it was the night before he was supposed to leave for tour and James was trying to savor it, he really was.
“…thankfully we won’t have to tour until next summer,” Regulus was saying. “I don’t envy you it can be insanely exhausting.”
“Well,” James said flopping down on his couch and turning to smile at Regulus. “I also don’t envy you, what is it, just one song you’re still fighting over for the album? That’s the moment that can make or break friendships.”
“Yes,” Regulus sighed. “Barty and Pandora think one of the songs we have already is a good fit, but Evan and I really wanted some sort of ballad and the track we have is slower but it’s not a full ballad, it doesn’t have that emotionally intense quality. I want it to be like a devastating, sucker punch of an emotional song but whenever we try to make one it doesn’t come out how I want. Right now, we have this breakup track, but it just feels too shallow, and manufactured, and it doesn’t hit as hard as I want. And of course, Barty just thinks I’m a perfectionist and even Dorcas is a bit exhausted with me, but the song just isn’t right for the album I know we can do better. I’ve tried to write something though and it just isn’t right. I feel a little bad because our first single has been out, the release date is there and the album is technically finished but I keep trying to drag us back.”
“Sometimes you just know,” James said softly nudging Regulus’s side with his elbow. “You can’t force it and maybe inspiration will hit, and you’ll get that perfect song or maybe it won’t. Either way, I know the song you have already is brilliant too, even if you think you can do better. You guys are incredible.”
“You really think so?” Regulus mumbled.
“Course.”
His worried expression broke slightly, a faint smile painting his lips and erasing the crease on his forehead. James was glad he’d been so close to reaching out and trying to force the worry from his face. Regulus just blinked up at him, stormy eyes even almost black in the dim light. They were probably too close, but James didn’t move.
“Can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow,” Regulus said softly.
“Yeah,” James breathed absently and then he wasn’t sure which one of them did it but suddenly Regulus was clambering into his lap, their lips caught in the most intense, soul-shattering, mind-blowing kiss James had ever experienced. James’s hands were around Regulus’s waist, Regulus’s were pulling at James’s hair. His mouth was pressing insistently, blazing in its intensity and James couldn’t breathe. Oh god, he was kissing Regulus Black.
Fuck, he was kissing Regulus Black. Oh no. Oh, no, no, no. That was bad.
James jerked back and Regulus was climbing off him instantly standing with wide eyes. “No,” he gasped, and Regulus froze. “I shouldn’t- I can’t…” James began but he couldn’t even begin to explain all the things he couldn’t do and Regulus was grabbing his phone and keys from the coffee table in an instant.
“No,” he said quickly. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
Oh, so Regulus had initiated it?
He was leaving before James could even process what was happening, and he jerked to his feet as Regulus opened the front door.
“Wait Reg—”
“It won’t happen again, sorry,” Regulus said flatly before closing the door with a final snap.
James didn’t even have the brain to do anything but stand there in utter shock. When he had the thought to try to follow, Regulus’s car was already gone.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Notes:
Lol this one is a roller coaster of emotions, sorry ;)
My update schedule got a little fucked because winter break ended and I'm still focusing on writing anti-hero, so I'm going to try for every other weekend at the least, and every weekend if things go well enough.
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
“Do you wanna play I Spy?”
“We’re on a plane Wormtail.”
“And?”
“And there’s nothing to spy.”
“Sure there is Padfoot,” Peter scoffed. “There’s um… chairs and snacks, and… clouds?”
“Moony, tell Peter we can’t play I Spy.”
“Why? You tell Peter, Sirius.”
“I want you to back me up,” Sirius whined.
“Fine, then we'll play hangman since you’re being a whiny bitch about I Spy,” Peter scoffed. “Lily will you play hangman with me?”
“Sure,” she shrugged. “I’ve got nothing better to do.”
“What just Lily?” Sirius frowned. “I want to play.”
“But you were just rude about I Spy.”
“Because it’d be boring and we can’t play it here! Hangman is different, I’ll play hangman.” Sirius insisted.
“Fine you can play,” Peter huffed. “Moony, Prongs, do you wanna play?”
“Okay,” Remus agreed begrudgingly.
“No thanks,” James muttered quietly not looking up.
“Oh, come on James,” Peter urged. “Everyone else is playing,”
“Yeah, Prongs!” Sirius said loudly. “Why are you raining on the parade, this is a group activity—”
“I don’t want to fucking play!”
It was a testament to how rarely James snapped, much less yelled, that the entire plane cabin immediately fell silent, no one daring to move a muscle.
After a tense moment, he heard the sound of somebody coming over but he refused to look up, he couldn’t see his friends' confused faces.
“Alright, Prongs?” Remus asked quietly.
“Fine,” James said tightly. “I just don’t want to play the damn game.”
“Something’s wrong,” Remus said unruffled by James’s sharp attitude.
“I’m fine.”
“James…”
He looked up this time, and Remus was looking down with such soft patience that James couldn’t stand it. God, he didn’t deserve that, not when he was needlessly snapping at his friends.
“Sorry,” he whispered. “You know how you told me to be careful since I have a tendency to throw my heart into things?”
“I’m going to assume you weren’t…” Remus said gently, and James just shook his head.
As soon as the first tear fell there was the sound of someone standing and Sirius there in an instant was pulling James into a tight hug even though he had no idea what was going on or why James was crying. James hugged him back, crying into his shoulder. It was usually the other way around, with James holding Sirius up and though Sirius didn’t have much experience in James’s breakdowns, he didn’t falter, just held James tight while Remus sat down next to them reaching out to rub his shoulder.
Eventually, James pulled away his face tight with dried tears and he leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes and letting the noise of the plane fill his mind. Sirius stayed, head on James’s shoulder their breathing synchronized.
James felt stupid, losing it over a little spat, fight, confusion… whatever it was that had happened with Regulus. People had far worse things happen to them than being kissed and ditched by a boy they’d been secretly lusting over for months. Really it was James’s fault, he never should have let it get this far. He felt sick to his stomach at how any of his friends might feel if they found out they were comforting him because he’d been secretly meeting with Sirius’s little brother. The little brother which Sirius despised. James really didn’t understand what was happening because Regulus was straight, yet he’d kissed James, he’d been the one to initiate it. Had it been a mistake? As soon as he’d realized, he’d jumped off and sworn it wouldn’t happen again. James had tried to call Regulus, but he’d been sent straight to voicemail and all of his texts had been left unread. James didn’t understand, he’d been up all night stressing over the situation. Any other time he would have simply shown up at Regulus’s house and demanded answers, but he had a plane to catch early that morning and an entire world tour to focus on.
Eventually, James felt Sirius lift his head and hushed voices.
“Is something going on with him? What was he talking about?” Sirius whispered his voice tight.
“I don’t know exactly,” Remus responded quietly. “You should talk to him about it. All I know was that he was talking to someone, they were friends but obviously, James felt more. I’ve got the same details as you really.”
“You think it’s that guy? The same one he took to the farm?”
“Must be.”
There was a slight shift as Padfoot stood, clearly, they thought he was asleep. Their voices faded slightly as they both stepped away. “It scared me,” Sirius admitted his voice small. “James never snaps,” James instantly felt even more guilty for his pathetic behavior.
“Of course, he does,” Remus replied softly. “He’s human. He just rarely snaps at you, or any of us for that matter. But sometimes he’s hurt and angry and even though I know it’s hard to see, all you can do is be there for him.”
“He’s been so secretive lately, I should have known something was going on.”
“Just be there for him Pads,” Remus repeated, and James listened to the sound of their footsteps retreating farther down into the plane.
Nobody bothered him for the rest of the flight.
—
“You’ve been moping.”
“I’m not moping,” Regulus complained.
“You are,” Pandora countered. “Is it your boyfriend?”
“I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Really? So you were asking me to help you decipher emojis for what?”
“A friend.”
“A friend who broke your heart?”
“I am not heartbroken.”
She just blinked at him. “Reg…”
“Look,” Regulus snapped. “I fell in love with a famous straight boy. Is that what you want to fucking hear?”
“It’s not what I want to hear, I’m sorry. I’m here for you Regulus. You know you can tell us about these things.”
“I know,” Regulus mumbled instantly feeling sorry for snapping at her. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay, do want to tell me about it?”
Regulus just shrugged. “I kissed him.”
“He rejected you?”
“Well, I mean- yes.”
Pandora’s eyebrows rose. “You don’t sound so certain about that.”
“Well, I mean I didn’t stick around long enough to hear him outright tell me he didn’t feel the same, he just said no, so I left.”
“Did he kiss you back?”
“At first,”
“But he’s straight?”
Regulus shot her a look. “I know what you’re trying to say, don’t. Yes, he kissed me back, and yes I left before he had a chance to say anything. That doesn’t mean he likes me, it doesn’t mean he isn’t straight. And even on the off chance he actually isn’t, I refuse to be his gay awakening or whatever, I can’t walk someone through a sexuality crisis when I’m still figuring out mine. There are so many things in the way sexuality aside, it would never work out… Andy said I should let him go, I think she’s probably right.”
“So are you just going to ghost him?”
“Well don’t put it like that, Pandora. It sounds so juvenile. He’s going on tour he’ll be gone for months, maybe it’s just the natural ending of things.”
“Maybe, maybe not. Either way, you can get a heartbreak song out of it.”
Regulus sat up suddenly eyes widening. “Pandora Lovegood you genius, you’re absolutely right.”
She just laughed. “There you are Regulus Black, go on, end him.”
--
“I saw my cousin.”
James’s head jerked up. “Which cousin?” he asked in alarm.
Sirius flopped down on the hotel bed next to him. “Andromeda, the least crazy one. She was disowned too.”
“When did you see her?”
“When I was visiting Remus’s parents some weeks ago, I guess she lives in the same town. I had no idea she was so close.”
“What was it like, seeing her?”
“Hard,” Sirius admitted. “I hadn’t even thought of her in years. I felt bad because she was always so kind to me, she showed me it was possible to get out. She even reached out when I came to live with you and your parents, she was willing to take me in if I needed but I already had you guys. I was so young and angry I acted a little rashly I think, I wanted to cut myself off from any bit of the Black family, even Andy.”
“I’m sure she understood.”
“No, I know she did,” Sirius said quietly, “That almost makes it worse… but you know the craziest thing? Apparently, my brother has been living with her for years, he was in foster care... foster care, James! Since he was sixteen and I had no idea. I always thought he’d stayed, I thought he was just like my parents.”
“Wow,” James said softly because of course he already knew all of this.
“Yeah…” Sirius sighed turning his head to look up at the ceiling. “I feel like… like maybe I should try to talk to him but I dunno… he’s apparently been away from our parents for over a decade, and he never reached out to me, maybe there’s a reason.”
“Well, honestly Padfoot, I don’t see how it could get worse. You already have no relationship, if you reach out and he says he doesn’t want to talk then the outcome is the same as if you do nothing.”
“Yeah, it wouldn’t be any different except… I think it would hurt.”
James paused. “It probably would, but would it hurt worse if you never knew?”
James knew Sirius Black well, he knew the answer. Sirius was a doer, a risk-taker, he couldn’t leave things well enough alone, even if he was scared.
“It’ll take me a long time to work up the nerve,” Sirius said softly.
James reached out poking his shoulder gently. “Then take it, there’s no rush.”
--
Tour raced by. James barely even had time to sleep or eat, much less think too hard about anything, least of all Regulus Black.
At first, James had kept calling, leaving messages and texts but after months of no replies, embarrassed and disheartened, James had given up. Now, most people knew James Potter wasn’t a quitter, in fact, he had a bad habit of chasing after things even when all odds were against him, but this time, he was at a loss. There was simply nothing to be done, James had no other way to get in contact with Regulus. It was clear, the other man didn’t want to talk to him and as much as it hurt, a part of James whispered that maybe it was for the best.
How could James look his best friend in the eye while he told James things about Regulus he already knew? How could he admit that he’d been sneaking around with Regulus behind Sirius’s back for months? And what if Sirius did get in contact with Regulus, what if they formed a relationship again? James couldn’t live with any more guilt, so yes, maybe it was for the best.
Halfway through the tour, they were back in L.A. It worked out well actually. The night before they played there was an award show they were expected to turn up for and the next two nights they had a show to play. So, for three whole days, James and the other Marauders were all back home.
This award show ran a little smoother than the last one. There was no performance from Slytherin to send Sirius into a mood, nothing splitting them up for the night. They even won big, unlike the last show and James felt satisfied. By the time they were on the way to the afterparty, everyone was in good spirits, Peter was already slightly tipsy which just meant everything sent him into a fit of giggles. His laughter was contagious and they were all smiling and rosy-cheeked by the time their car arrived and they piled into the venue.
“You’re all here, babes, let’s party!” Marlene yelled, accosting them as soon as they walked through the door.
“Whoa, slow it,” a voice spoke grabbing her wrist, Dorcas’s calm, unshakable demeanor was the exact opposite of Marlene’s usual loud boldness. “Hey guys,” she said. “Finally some decent people around here,” despite her lack of a smile she did seem to mean it nodding her head to a corner. “Come sit with us, we got a big table.”
They followed immediately, chorusing their hellos and exchanging hugs with a tipsy affectionate Marlene. Sirius threw an arm around Marlene’s shoulder, and they immediately bowed their heads together, whispering suspiciously.
“This is Mary,” Dorcas waved to a dark-skinned woman sitting at the table she had a drink in her hand.
“Hey all,” she exchanged handshakes with all of them as Marlene introduced everyone, only pausing at Lily. They both stared at each other for a minute with narrowed eyes until Mary turned and Lily scoffed. It was strange to see because Lily liked pretty much everyone, but clearly, there was some history there with the daggers they were glaring at each other. James distantly remembered Regulus mentioned something about stealing a festival slot.
“Congrats on the win tonight,” Mary said choosing to ignore Lily as she turned to them.
“Thanks,” Remus said ignoring the look Lily shot him for speaking to the other woman. “I really didn’t think we’d win, there were some big nominees there.”
“Nah, I’ve kept up with your work, it’s brilliant. The award was well-deserved.”
“Aren’t they great?” Marlene said leaning across the table. “It’s only too bad you guys didn’t get anything, as well. Your crew is amazing,” Marlene said.
“Well, we only had one song up for consideration, so I’m not surprised. I’m sure there will be more opportunities when the album comes out. Plus, a certain frontman has been very, very bitchy about awards lately. He’s always complaining about going to these things, and insists it’s about 'the music'. We have go through the ‘but it’s also business, not just music’ argument at least once a week. I always win, because as manager, they know I’m right,” Mary shrugged. “But I expect he’s currently trying to drown himself in the bathroom just to spite me.”
Dorcas raised an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you lost your band, Macdonald, those lot need adult supervision.”
“I’m trusting Pandora with them at the moment, there's at least a fifty-fifty chance of her doing something stupid while the boys have a one-hundred percent chance of causing a scene at any given moment.”
“Oh, there she comes,” Marlene pointed out as Pandora Lovegood cut through the crowd Evan Rosier on her heels.
“Where the fuck are the children?” Mary asked as soon as the two members of Slytherin stopped throwing themselves down next to Dorcas.
“Hm,” Pandora smiled. “Barty is trying to get alcohol poisoning and Regulus is threatening to kill himself if he doesn’t quit.”
“Why would he do that?” Mary sighed “He knows that will only encourage Barty,”
“I think Reg is manipulating Barty because he wants him to get alcohol poisoning, he’s very bitter about the fact that Barty doesn’t get hungover.”
“Oh Jesus,” Mary shook her head. “Where did they go?”
“No idea,” Pandora said seeming completely unconcerned, she kissed Dorcas on the cheek before leaning around her to look at the rest of them. “Hi Marauders, I saw videos of your tour, looks really cool.”
“Pandora!” Mary snapped her fingers grabbing the other woman’s focus. “You can’t just let Barty and Regulus roam free they will kill themselves, or each other, or everyone here. Evan do you not care about your boyfriend being murdered?”
“Barty’s not my boyfriend, in fact, I hope he dies. I’m rooting for Reg.”
“Oh, shut up,” Mary scoffed but before she could scold the Slytherin members any longer a pair cut through the crowd.
“There you are!” Barty Crouch gasped throwing his arms around Evan “I missed you, Evan, I adore you so much.”
“I hate gay people,” Regulus Black scoffed, and James’s heart jumped to his throat. Bold words from a man who had kissed James months ago. What the fuck did that mean?
Regulus didn’t seem to have noticed any of them yet as Barty gasped in offense letting go of Evan. “Regulus do you remember that time we fucked—"
Regulus made a choking noise. “Yes, it scared the gayness out of me.”
“Really, because that’s not what you told Emma Vanity when you broke up with her.”
“I didn’t break up with her because I was gay.”
“You did.”
“I didn’t.”
“Did.”
“No, she broke up with me.”
“Because you were gay?” Barty scoffed.
Regulus paused. “Okay, maybe... you know what? Fuck you, Crouch.”
Wait what?
“Yeah, fuck you,” Evan grumbled and Barty gasped.
“I didn’t even do anything to you, is it because I mentioned sleeping with Reg? Are you jealous Evan?” He wiggled his eyebrows. “You know I like you best, Regulus is like number three.”
Barty nudged his bandmate but Regulus didn’t respond because he was frozen, eyes fixed on his brother as he finally seemed to realize there was an audience. They both stared at each other for a very long moment as everyone seemed to realize something was going on. Just as James was sure something terrible was about to happen Sirius’s fist which had been clenched on the table loosened and he nodded.
“Regulus.”
“Sirius…”
“I- uh, I saw your performance a while ago, it was good.”
Regulus blinked like he was shocked his brother was speaking to him and then after a moment he just nodded, the fight going out of him. “Thanks,” Regulus muttered and by some miracle, the crisis seemed to be at least for the moment, averted.
“Uh, why don’t we scooch and make from for them?” Remus suggested tentatively, it was a question, testing the waters to see if the Black brothers would agree to sit together. God must have granted yet another miracle that night because after a moment Sirius scooted over in clear permission and they all followed suit leaving an empty space… right next to James.
Barty who was already squished in next to Evan gestured to the empty seat but Regulus just stared at it for a moment not meeting James’s eye.
“Gonna sit Reg?” Marlene questioned. “Don’t let James scare you, he’s a softie.”
Regulus’s mouth twisted in a pained expression before he slowly sat down, keeping as much distance between them as possible.
“Oh come on, Reg knows that. They’re friends,” Dorcas rolled her eyes. “Sit.”
There was a pause, a frown. “They are?” Barty lifted an eyebrow.
“Yeah, aren’t you?” Dorcas asked. Looking between Regulus and James.
“No,” Regulus said quickly his voice tight, and fuck, even though James wouldn’t have expected Regulus to say they weren't, especially now, it still stung.
“Oh,” Dorcas said, clearly confused by the tension. “I suppose I just assumed when James came by the studio that one time, the two of you seemed friendly. Guess I read that wrong.”
“We went to school together,” James said stiffly. “We knew each other, I was just being polite.”
“Right,” Regulus’s voice was hard. “Because James Potter would never give me the time of fucking day if not out of obligation, huh?”
James spun. “What the fuck is your problem?” he snapped and everyone froze, eyes wide. James didn’t snap, he was usually easygoing, no problem, no attitude. They were probably all wondering what the hell was wrong with him lately.
“I don’t have a problem.”
“You do,” James said harshly. “Get off my back.”
“I’m sorry you can’t handle somebody who doesn’t want to lie down and kiss your feet.”
“I’m sorry your head is so far up your ass you’ve never stopped to consider anyone but yourself.”
Regulus scowled eyes blazing but Evan was rising before he could speak. “Uh, Reg maybe we should go take a breather?”
“It was just getting interesting,” Barty complained, and Evan elbowed him in the stomach.
Evan reached out grabbing Regulus and pulling him away, but Evan couldn’t stop from yelling over his shoulder.
“I hope you fucking rot, Potter!”
James was brimming with anger as his friends sat in tense silence.
“Okay, so not friends,” Dorcas said awkwardly.
“No, definitely fucking not,” James muttered reaching out and grabbing Peter’s drink and downing it in one sip before pushing himself out of the booth.
“Prongs,” Remus called after him, but he ignored it pushing through the crowd and into the darkness.
--
“What the hell was that?” Evan demanded. “What’s your deal with Potter,”
“Nothing,” Regulus said tonelessly.
“That wasn’t nothing, what’d he do?”
“Nothing,” Regulus repeated his voice rising. “He didn’t do anything it’s all my fault!”
“What is?” Evan asked insistently.
“Nothing!” Regulus was yelling now but thankfully no one else was in the bathroom aside from Barty who was sitting on the counter, swinging his feet.
“Okay, fine don’t tell me anything,” Evan growled. “I’m not Pandora I won’t coddle you. If you want to be an asshole that’s not my problem but control yourself.”
“This is me controlling myself,” Regulus growled, and the words sat in the silence between them for a thick moment.
Regulus was put together, everything from his appearance to every word every moment was perfectly crafted. Everything was controlled because if it wasn’t, he’d burn the whole fucking world down and laugh while he did. There was always this burning rage building in his chest and sometimes, he choked on it.
“Fine,” Evan said finally.
“I’m going to get some air.”
“Don’t yell at anyone else, I’m not babysitting you, Regulus.”
“Then don’t tell me what to do.”
Regulus pushed past Evan and out into the hall, ignoring the people who tried to talk to him or wave their hellos, he wasn’t in the mood to pretend he didn’t hate every moment of this. Regulus wasn’t sure where he was going as he turned away from where the afterparty was raging. He just needed to get out of the building without immediately being photographed, eventually, he found a door and pushed it open, falling out into a dark alleyway. The door hit the wall with a loud bang before swinging shut once again alerting the other person to his presence. Regulus cursed the door and then every moment of his life that had led up to this when the figure turned around and he was face-to-face with James fucking Potter.
James seemed to be thinking something along the same lines because he groaned in frustration before quickly turning away. Regulus grabbed for the doorhandle freezing when it didn’t turn, he jiggled it roughly before cursing loudly.
“The door’s fucking locked,” Regulus hissed and slowly James turned around again.
“Then you’ll have to walk around the outside of the building,” he said flatly not meeting Regulus’s eye.
Regulus sighed cursing the universe before stepping forward and walking down the alleyway, he didn’t mean to pause as he passed James but as he caught a whiff of the other man’s familiar cologne Regulus froze in his track and James turned as well. They just stared trapped in one another’s gaze.
“What the fuck is your deal?” James growled after a moment, his voice tight.
“Me? What’s yours?”
“No, no, no.” James laughed humorlessly stepping forward. “Don’t you dare turn this back on me, you’re the one who snapped first, you’re the one who’s been ignoring me for months! Don’t act like this is my fault when you ran away.”
“Oh, don’t pretend like you didn’t want me to go.”
James scoffed. “Excuse me? Have I not been texting you for months? You didn’t read a single one, you didn’t respond to my calls and that’s on you. Not me. Don’t put words in my mouth when I never told you to go anywhere,”
“I’m not an idiot, James, don’t treat me like one. What should I have done? Returned your text and said sure, we can still be friends all the while remembering the most embarrassing moment of my life for the rest of eternity? Letting you go was the only logical progression!”
“Letting me go?” James stepped forward and Regulus stepped back, his back hitting the brick wall of the alley. “Letting me go? I don’t fucking feel let go! You left me hanging, you ran off and proceeded to ignore me as if we hadn’t spent months of our time together, as if we weren’t important to each other! I couldn’t just forget that!”
“Then learn to, I won’t be your friend.”
“Why? Was it so terrible?”
“It wasn’t, it just wouldn’t work.”
“Why, because you kissed me, because I let you? I don’t get what your deal is! Barty said you’re gay, is that true?”
“Oh please, save me from whatever fucking jumps you’re making in your head. Yeah, I’m gay, yeah I kissed you. I’m sorry that’s so disgusting, don’t worry my gayness won’t transfer to you just because I had my tongue in your mouth,”
“What the hell is wrong with you Regulus? Do you think I would have let you put your tongue in my mouth, in fact enthusiastically encouraged it if I wasn’t also queer?”
That shut Regulus up. “What?” He asked blankly.
“You know, if you had stayed instead of running off like a coward I would have told you that!” James stepped forward and there was nowhere else for Regulus to go, they were practically breathing the same air now. “If you had answered your phone or just fucking asked I would have told you I was queer, so don’t you dare go around acting like I’m some homophobic asshole when I wanted it just as bad as you did!” James reached out to push him and before Regulus could make sense of any of it, Regulus’s head was hitting the wall and James’s lips were on his, sharp and bruising.
It contained none of the softness of last time, they were all teeth and nails, and pulling at clothes. Regulus’s spine was pushing painfully into the wall and he tasted blood on James’s lips but he wasn’t sure which one of them had bit hard enough for that. Regulus was on fire, James’s hands were under his shirt, pressing into his ribs. His nails scraped down Regulus’s torso, over his belly button, stopping just at the waistband of his pants and Regulus shivered. A second later James’s fingers were dipping under his waistband and Regulus was surprised by the volume of the choked moan the motion drew out of him. James only swallowed it hungrily, honest to god growling at the noise.
“Not here,” Regulus panted forcing himself to pull away James didn’t argue only pulled out his phone sending a quick message before taking Regulus by the wrist, not letting him go far. A car was already pulling up as they came around the side of the building and James was pushing him in before straddling him in the backseat and immediately continuing to kiss Regulus with such intensity that all coherent thought fled his mind.
He thought distantly that he was very glad their drivers got paid a large sum specifically to never say a word about instances like these. Thankfully, James’s hands didn’t stray further than his hips until they got to his apartment and James was pushing him inside like nothing else mattered. As soon as the door shut, James didn’t even bother to turn the lights on before he was pushing Regulus up against the wall as if they’d never been interrupted, pulling off Regulus’s shirt and tossing it carelessly on the floor. They didn’t make it past the living room, James wasting no time and climbing on top of him on the couch.
Regulus didn’t think, he didn’t consider any of the repercussions of this, he just selfishly let it happen.
He thought regret would hit him once the high had come and gone, it didn’t. James’s collapsed, his body shining with sweat as he rolled over as much as he could on the couch careful not to crush Regulus. He should have felt regret, he didn’t. Regulus still felt so fucking good, just entirely blissful in the moment.
“That was.. wow,” James said softly, looking at Regulus like he was waiting to be pushed away.
Regulus should have, instead, he reached out tracing a finger over James’s jaw, taking in the flush of his cheeks, his glasses which he’d pushed onto his head so they wouldn’t get in the way, perched in his messy hair.
“Yeah,” Regulus mumbled.
“It was okay?”
“More than okay,” Regulus whispered grabbing James’s face with both hands and pulling him forward. James went easily, so different from before, soft and gentle. Just kissing for kissing’s sake. It was lovely and Regulus’s chest ached with just how perfect.
When they broke apart James didn’t go far, resting his forehead against Regulus’s for a moment before pulling away slightly, Regulus reached out pulling James’s glasses off his head, careful as he untangled them from the other man’s hair.
“Can you even see without these?”
“Well enough,” James grinned. “Though I’ll admit I prefer looking at you when I can see you clearly.”
“Hm,” Regulus carefully pushed the glasses onto James's face trying not to smile when James caught his wrist before he could withdraw it, pressing a kiss to his pulse. “I think you always see me,” Regulus admitted quietly. “It scares me.”
“I know the feeling, I think you can see right through me.”
“Only some parts, some confuse me.”
“A lot of you confuses me,” James frowned. “Why did you leave? If you’re not straight and you wanted to kiss me why did you leave?”
“You- you said no, James. You said you couldn’t, and I thought you were straight, I didn’t want to stay and get rejected.”
“I stopped you because I knew we couldn’t just jump into it like that, I wanted to talk to you, I tried but you ran.”
“I thought you didn’t want me.”
“I did, I do.”
“I think I figured that out now,” Regulus said taking a deep breath. “But you didn’t stop this time...” he pointed out, “you just jumped in.”
James bit his lip looking a bit embarrassed. “I- I lost control. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, it was hot.”
James smiled, his eyes glinting wickedly. “You bit my lip Regulus, it was fucking bleeding,” he said delightedly.
“So you are a masochist,”
“For you? I am anything. Whatever you’re willing to give me,”
“I think that’s rather a lot.”
“Good, I want to rip you open and make every bit mine.”
“Is this where I find out you’re a serial killer?”
“Hm, I know you’d think that exciting, but no. I want to consume you in a sex way, not a cannibalism way,”
Regulus choked out a laugh. “Please do,”
“Well,” James grinned wildly letting go of Regulus’s wrist to mouth at his jaw, biting at his earlobe. “Since you asked so nicely.”
Regulus fought back a whimper at James’s hot breath. “We- fuck, we haven’t talked,” Regulus managed to get out as James’s mouth kissed down his jaw.
“We should,” James muttered into his neck. “But first I think we should go to my bedroom and I think you should let me fuck you again and then we can talk.”
“Okay, yes, yeah, perfect,” Regulus gasped.
They did not in fact get around to talking that night.
Notes:
Lol so I got fired today without any warning or even a proper reason why and I needed something to distract me so I decided it was time to update this fic. This fic is a bit more fun to work on and I needed that pick me up. So here's another chapter :)
Sorry for the sporadic updates everything is pretty much written, editing is just such a pain and anti-hero has all my time and soul right now since I update weekly. This fic is my forgotten second child... sorry.
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
“Where have you been?” Lily demanded when James walked into the venue.
He quickly smoothed down his hair, hoping it didn’t look too bad as Regulus had thoroughly messed it up before he’d left. For all the insults Regulus threw at James over the state of his hair, he did seem to enjoy running his hands through it, also pulling. The pulling was nice, nice enough that James smiled stupidly at the memory and Lily’s eyes narrowed.
“Potter!” She scolded when he didn’t answer.
“I was at home,” James said quickly raising his hands in surrender. “I was having a bad night sorry, I just went back to my apartment.”
“Well,” she sighed taking in the smile James couldn’t quite wipe off his face, “at least you seem to be having a better day today.”
“I am,” James smiled widely. "Let’s kill this fucking show.”
Sirius bounded into the dressing room with Remus not far behind him eyes widening when he spotted James.
“Prongs,” Sirius said slowly.
“Hey, Pads.”
It only took a second for Sirius to register James’s much-improved mood and cocked his head. “Alright?”
“Yup.”
“You do not like my brother,” Sirius noted raising his eyebrows.
“Uh, no- I mean it wasn’t that. Sorry, I just lost it last night, he’s been saying shit to the media lately you know?” James lied.
“I thought that didn’t bother you,” Sirius frowned. “Seemed like you thought it was funny, actually.”
James shrugged but Remus was quickly stepping forward. “It’s allowed to bother you,” he said, “Just because you’re confident and know who you are doesn’t mean someone slandering you in the media can’t hurt.”
“I know, but it was just me blowing up, it wasn’t really about Regulus, and I don’t think any of the stuff he was saying was really about me either.”
“Oh,” Remus said softly glancing to Sirius, and then back at James.
“What?” Sirius sputtered. “You don’t think it’s about me, do you? He doesn’t give a shit about me.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” James said quickly. “The two of you were actually very civil last night.”
“I know… that was very mature of me wasn’t it?”
Remus snorted but nodded anyway. “Yes, yes, great job, Pads.”
“I invited Mary and Pandora to come see our show tomorrow,” Sirius said tearing his fond gaze away from Remus to face James.
“Why?” James asked because that was absolutely the last thing he would have expected Sirius to do, inviting his estranged brother’s bandmates and manager to their show.
“Well firstly, because Lily is head over heels in love with Mary Macdonald.”
“I am not!” Lily said shrilly. “We hate each other!”
“I might have believed that if I didn’t see you two making out in the corner last night,” Sirius raised an eyebrow.
“It was hate making out!” Lily insisted her freckled cheeks turning bright red and James just threw his head back laughing.
“Oh my god, Lils? Go get it then, fuck yeah.”
“Oh, fuck off James,” She scowled. “It’s not going to happen again, she’s a menace, you know she’s hated me for years?”
“Then she just didn’t know you,” James smiled widely. “Ten bucks the two of you will be getting together by the end of tomorrow.”
“Then prepare to lose your ten dollars,” Lily scoffed.
“Anyway,” Sirius cut in looking proud that he’d put this in motion by inviting Mary. “Dorcas and Marlene are coming too, and I figured I should invite the rest of Slytherin…” James’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at that. “But I think I need to talk to my brother.”
“Really, you’re ready?”
“No,” Sirius admitted, “but I don’t think I ever will be, I just have to jump in and see what happens. Dorcas gave me his number so I think I’ll try to call today.”
“Wow, Pads,” James said softly. “You let us know if you need anything, Okay?”
“I always do, you lot have long ago taught me I can’t get away with wallowing in peace.”
“Oh, how dare we love you,” Remus rolled his eyes and James smiled as the conversation quickly devolved into Sirius and Remus’s strange form of flirting which was really just bickering.
Their tour manager swept in a second later pulling Sirius away for something and Lily and Remus fell into a hushed conversation, chatting quietly in their own little bubble as they often did. James threw himself onto the couch. Assuming all was going well he at least had an hour before they were called up to soundcheck, so he had a little bit of time to kill.
James pulled out his phone sending Regulus a quick text, heart in his throat as he caught sight of all his unanswered messages sitting in the text thread from their weeks of silence. Much to James’s relief, Regulus answered only a moment later and James smiled down at his phone. Regulus had convinced James to change his contact name after a very long rant about the ‘little’ part being infantilizing and the implications of that on James’s character. Funnily enough, he hadn’t said anything about the heart.
Lion <3:
Yes, I’m awake. I was awake when you left it’s 11am I don’t know who you think I am.
Haha
Except when I left you very clearly said u were going back to sleep
Well I’m awake now dumbass.
You have no food
I’ve been on tour???
Of course I don’t.
I’m doordashing
Gonna put it on your credit card
Because how would you afford it otherwise?
But it’s fine u know where the card is.
I’m going to trash your apartment and leave the door unlocked
Gonna leak your address
Whatever you want
:)))
Ew
On a more serious note
Wait
No
Ugh
ANYWAY
Sirius is going to call u today
What
James I’m calling you
James didn’t have any time to reply before his phone was ringing, he glanced over to Remus and Lily who still seemed deep in conversation. He stood walking to the far corner of the room in hopes of some privacy.
“Hey,” he answered softly.
“James, what the fuck?”
“Look,” James said glancing to Remus and Lily who had looked his way as he stood. “I’m not alone right now but just…I know. I do, okay? I’m not going to get in between you, I just wanted to warn you, it’s happening. I didn’t put it in motion if that’s what you think, but I won’t stop him either. It’s up to you what you want to do.”
“I- I mean I’m just shocked, why would he even want to talk to me? Who gave him my number, was it Pandora, Mary, Dorcas?”
“Dorcas I think.”
“So not you?”
“I told you already, not me.”
“Okay, okay,” Regulus huffed tiredly. “I- I’m not trying to toss blame on you, I’m just surprised, unprepared.”
“I know, sometimes you’ve got to take a risk though,”
“I don’t take risks.”
“Hm, that’s not the feeling I was getting last night,” James grinned.
Regulus scoffed and James could perfectly picture the scowl on his face. “I did find your credit card, I’m going to buy a car with it.”
“What’s wrong with your car?”
“Not for me, to replace your ancient truck.”
James gasped. “What’s wrong with my truck? You like my truck I know you do.”
“No, I don’t, I have no idea what you’re talking about it.”
“Hm, well I guess I’ll just have to fix that then, create some positive associations?” he said suggestively.
Regulus choked and James wondered if he was always so easily flustered or if maybe James had some special effect on him. The latter didn’t seem likely, yet he’d heard Regulus discuss sex so casually before, completely unfazed. But, when it came to James…
“I am not having sex in your truck,” Regulus said sharply once he’d recovered his breath.
“I don’t believe that. I think I could convince you.”
“Good luck.”
“Don’t sound so pessimistic, I have just as much faith in your power to bruise my ego as my own power to get through your stubbornness.”
“I’m not stubborn.”
“You are, love, you are the most negative, stubborn pessimistic person I have ever met, you’re so fucking mean.”
“Sound less happy about it.”
“I can’t, I love it.”
“Disgusting,” Regulus said, and James just laughed delightedly.
From the corner James noticed Lily waving a hand at him and he sighed. “Sorry, love, I’ve gotta go.”
“Okay, thanks for warning me about Sirius… I- I’m not mad at you, to be clear. Just a bit… I don’t know… It’s all a lot.”
“I know,” James said softly. “Let me know how it goes and if you need anything.”
“You’re playing a show tonight, James. Don’t be stupid I know you’re busy.”
“I’d make time for you.”
James wished he could have seen Regulus’s face in the brief silence that followed before he seemed to find his words. “You don’t have to.”
“But I would. Come by my place tonight? Are you busy?”
“No, I’ve been wrung dry already this week with the awards and interviews, got a whole two blissful days of peace.”
“Good, then come to my place? I know I’ll be back late but… I mean you have a key. Stay all day if you want or come back whenever, I don’t care.”
“You are far too trusting, what if I was going to rob you blind, huh? Then what.”
“You’re rich.”
“Could be richer and something tells me you’re very smart about money, I bet you’re richer than me.”
“I’m probably not, I donate a lot of the money I make. Plus, your last tour was one of the highest-grossing ever. I know you’re not doing bad for yourself.”
“Of course you do,” Regulus said softly, and it sound so fucking fond James practically melted. “And I won’t ask how you know about Slytherin’s tour numbers…”
“I pay attention,” James shrugged even though Regulus couldn’t see him. “And I know you donate a lot too, don’t think you can fool me. You’re a softie under all of your attitude.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m a selfish terrible person, I hoard all of my money and am obsessed with making more regardless of who I fuck over.”
“Sure, love,” James smiled and froze suddenly as he realized Lily was glaring at him with narrowed eyes, hands on her hips. “Oops, okay I definitely have to go. See you tonight?”
“Fine, bye Jamie.”
“Bye.”
James hung up turning to his friend. “Sorry, what is it Lils?”
“James Potter, who the hell are you fucking?”
James paused. “I- what? No, I’m not—”
“You can’t fool me, it’s plain as day,” She raised her eyebrows. “Is this something I should know about, could it create a problem? Are we about to have a scandal on our hands?”
“No, Lily, we are not. Not everything is about the band, I’m allowed to have my own private relationships.”
“You are except you know full well that these things reflect back on all of us, nothing is just about you. If your name comes up in the papers it’s followed by The Marauders. Of course, I believe you have the right to have your own privacy and sleep with whomever you want, unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what I think.”
James immediately deflated, tension draining out of him. “I know, I know Lils, sorry. It’s frustrating, I don’t mean to take it out on you. If there was a problem you’d be the first to know but as of right now there isn’t. No one knows and no one is going to, we’ve barely figured things out for ourselves yet.”
“Okay,” Lily sighed. “I’m trusting you, James, please, please be careful. You can’t be caught with them, if any sort of whisper of a relationship between you and this person were to get out ahead of you it wouldn’t be pretty, regardless of who they are or what the situation is. Keeping things a secret makes people immediately have a devious reason to hide.”
“I know,” James said quickly, “but trust me when I say there isn’t a single soul who would look at us and assume a relationship.”
“You’re certain?”
“One hundred percent,” James said firmly. “In fact, I think if I told you you’d be shocked too, but I just can’t… not yet.”
“This isn’t the same person we talked about in the past, is it?” Remus asked quietly, speaking up for the first time.
“It- yeah…” James admitted rubbing the back of his neck, “It is, and I know that probably sounds bad since I was… you know, losing it a little bit over him a little while ago, but- I don’t know. I really like him, Rem. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
Remus’s suspicious softened slightly. “Okay… I don’t want you getting hurt, Prongs.”
“I know, I hope I can avoid that but if not… I think it’d be worth it.”
Something passed over Remus’s face, the edge in his expression cracking open to show something soft and understanding. “Whatever this is, it’s really special isn’t it?”
“It is,” James murmured, “he is.”
Lily groaned. “Oh James, I can’t even be mad with you, you’re head over heels.” James just shrugged and Lily shook her head. “I won’t push it.”
“Thank you,” James told his friends, “for understanding,”
“Just… please, please be careful James, I don’t like this.”
“I know, I will," James promised.
And really, he would, he did try. But sometimes trying just wasn’t enough.
--
When Regulus’s phone rang he froze. He’d been working himself up for hours, pacing back in forth in James’s living room, trying to calm his nerves. He thought he’d steeled himself, prepared for the call, yet as soon an unknown number came through all Regulus could do was stare, simply looking at the area code. It wasn’t an L.A. number; it was the same area code as James’s and that made something in Regulus’s stomach swoop because, of course, it was. Sirius had lived on that farm with James and his parents, probably for years. When he’d gotten a new number after running away, of course, he would have registered it in the same place. And all these years later, here the number was, the same which must have meant that Sirius was calling Regulus from his personal phone. Regulus didn’t know what that meant, why it ached in his chest.
The phone rang for far too long before the fear of Sirius simply hanging up when Regulus didn’t pick up set in and he grabbed it from the counter, hitting the accept button.
“Hello?” He said tentatively.
There was the sound of activity from the other side of the line and then footsteps, a door slamming shut as the noise quieted. “Regulus?”
“Yes?”
“It’s Sirius,” Regulus already knew that. He took a shaky breath.
He swallowed. “Okay, um- right. Hi.”
There was a pause. “You’re not going to tell me to fuck off?” Sirius asked sounding shocked.
“That depends on why you’re calling.”
“I- I don’t really know…” Sirius admitted, and his uncertainty was enough to quell the building urge to snap, to tell Sirius every awful terrible thing he’d thought of him over the years. “I saw Andromeda recently.”
“I know, she told me.”
“Oh, right…” Sirius cleared his throat. “Well, she told me you’ve lived with them since you were sixteen.”
“I have.”
“She said you were in foster care.”
“I was…”
“I didn’t know,” Sirius said in a rush like he wanted to get it out before Regulus changed his mind and hung up. “I- I really thought you had stayed with Mother and Father… I thought they must have set up your career or whatever I- I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t want people to know,” Regulus said stiffly. “I haven’t talked to them since CPS took me.”
“What happened?”
“I’m not like you,” Regulus told Sirius quickly, his voice hard. “I didn’t want to leave, I didn’t have a choice.”
Regulus hadn’t really thought of Sirius changing, of him growing, even though he was nearly thirty, even though they were adults. In Regulus’s mind, Sirius was still the same brash angry teenager he’d been when he ran away. He realized how wrong he’d been to assume when Sirius didn’t snap at that, he didn’t respond in anger or accusations instead he just asked again, “What happened?”
Regulus could tell that Sirius was fighting to keep his voice level, that it was taking a lot of control not to fly off the handle, but fifteen years ago, he wouldn’t have been able to do that. Fifteen years ago, Sirius would have screamed, and Regulus would have gone quiet because he’d just begun to stop talking, even to Sirius. Fifteen years ago, that would have made Sirius livid, but they weren’t kids anymore and if Sirius was going to try then it’d look bad for Regulus not to do the same.
“What you would expect really,” Regulus mumbled and despite his resolve not to snap at his brother, he was surprised by his own lack of an attitude.
It seemed Sirius was surprised because he paused as well before hesitantly asking: “Can… I mean— will you tell me?”
Regulus closed his eyes, trying to collect the nerve to speak. “It’s... I- sometimes I still lose the words,” Regulus admitted. “Like I want to speak, and I just can’t, like I’m a child again. You’ve never been patient with me. If I tell you, you have to promise to try or I will hang up and never attempt to speak to you again.”
Silence followed Regulus’s words and he wondered what Sirius was thinking, if he was remembering all the times Sirius had begged him to speak, all the times it could have made a difference if Regulus would have just opened his mouth, but he didn’t. He couldn’t and Sirius had never understood, always blamed him for it. So many times, Sirius had gotten hurt because of Regulus’s refusal to speak, the guilt still ate him up at night. Maybe Sirius was blaming him once again.
Apparently, he wasn’t. Apparently, he was thinking of something else entirely. “I’ve regretted that,” Sirius said his voice choked. “It took me a long time, a couple of stints in rehab and years of therapy, but eventually, I realized that it was wrong of me, I was wrong about a lot. You couldn’t help the fact that you couldn’t speak any more than I could help my anger and acting out. I- I’m not a patient person but I’ll try as long as you do as well because you’ve never exactly had the longest fuse when it came to me either. I don’t have a lot of tact and I get things wrong, so promise to not hate me for it if I do.”
“I don’t hate you,” Regulus said instantly before he could stop himself.
“…Really?” Sirius asked sounding disbelieving.
“Yes,” Regulus insisted because it was too late to take it back now.
“Then why did you never reach out? We live in the same city Regulus, we’re both apparently estranged from our parents, and you’ve been gone almost as long as I have. Why never say anything?”
“You left me Sirius,” Sirius scoffed, and Regulus quickly continued before he could interrupt. “I don’t blame you, okay? I’m not mad. I was for a long time, but I understand now why you did it, I know they would have probably killed you eventually if you’d stayed. I don’t blame you, but I can’t entirely forgive you. Not just for running away but for everything before that, for quitting hockey and leaving me to play alone, for making new friends and instantly forgetting me. You didn’t even write your first year at Hogwarts and by the time mother and father shipped me off as well, you’d completely forgotten about me!”
“That’s not true! I tried to include you, but you always turned me down or hid in the shadows. You were like a fucking ghost; it was clear you didn’t want to spend time with us. You hated my friends!”
“I did want to spend time with you! I stopped coming because you always expected me to be like you! To be wild and rebellious and loud when most days I couldn’t even open my fucking mouth! You always had these expectations of me, always trying to force me to talk and I was uncomfortable. I was scared. I didn’t hate your friends and you know that.”
“What? Because you used to let James practice with you? Every other time you acted like you’d rather die than be around us, around my friends. They were my everything and you acted disgusted!”
“You were my everything!” Regulus yelled.
He didn’t mean to lose his temper, to let his voice rise and as soon as it did he was ready for Sirius to snap back, but he didn’t. There was only silence on the other side of the phone and Regulus wondered how hard his brother was working at that moment to contain his anger.
“I didn’t have anyone else,” Regulus said quieter, taking a deep breath. “Just you. I let James practice with me because he never tried to make me talk, he didn’t expect me to and if I did he never treated me weirdly, he never once laughed or said the usual ‘Oh so you do know how to speak’ which was what I got whenever I was around you. He respected me and I never got the feeling you did. I let him play with me because I didn’t have anyone, not then. I barely interacted with Barty and Evan the first two years of school, I didn’t have any friends. I just had you and you had all these other people, you didn’t need me.”
“I did need you Regulus,” Sirius whispered his voice choked. “I wanted you to like my friends so badly, I wanted you to be a part of our group. I didn’t mean to treat you badly I was just so frustrated because you felt so fucking far away and all I ever wanted was for you to be there. I know you think I changed after my first year at Hogwarts, but you did too. You were always quiet growing up, but not for me. I was the person you would talk to, I was the person who could touch you, hug you, wipe your tears away. I was the person who taught you how to tie your shoes and held your hand the first time you put on a pair of skates. I fucking hated hockey and I played for years for you. I took care of you, and I adored you. Then I came back for summer break at twelve years old and it was like all of that was gone. Like my baby brother wasn’t even in there anymore, and you know what? I blamed myself! I thought if I’d been there I could have stopped whatever it was from shifting,” Sirius’s voice cracked but he continued swiftly. “That if I hadn’t left you alone in that house I could have protected you. I still feel guilty for leaving you, even when I thought you were happy to stay and that you were just like them. I still felt bad because you were my brother and regardless of who you’d become, once, you were the center of my whole fucking world.”
Regulus squeezed his eyes shut as tears spilled down his cheeks. “It wasn’t your fault,” he sniffed. “I already told you; I don’t blame you. It was our parents, that house, it was always going to ruin me whether you’d stayed or not. You couldn’t protect me, and it shouldn’t have been your responsibility.”
“Oh,” the breath that punched out of Sirius was devastated. “No, no don’t cry, Regulus.”
“I’m not,” Regulus insisted but his voice cracked, and he leaned over James’s kitchen counter trying to fight back his sobs.
“It shouldn’t have been my responsibility,” Sirius whispered, “but I still felt it was, I’ve always wondered what I might have left you in that house with after I ran away.”
“They thought they hadn’t been strict enough with you, that if they hadn’t let you get away with so much they could have forced it out of you.”
“What?” Sirius hissed. “They beat me for everything? I didn’t get away with anything!”
“I know, I know,” Regulus whispered his voice thick. “But it didn’t matter, they got harder on me after you left. Pulled me from Hogwarts, and forced me to continue my education at home. I was stuck in that awful house every single day, I never got to leave for anything but hockey, and then eventually not even that. My coach knew something was wrong, he saw the bruises, noticed I stopped speaking, and enough of a whisper had been going around about you running away that he reported it. When someone came to talk to us, I lied. They looked around the house, spoke to our parents and everything but there were no signs of abuse or neglect and I insisted everything was well. I played a contact sport you know, of course, I had bruises, and I didn’t talk because I was shy.” Regulus scoffed at his past self. “After that, they pulled me from hockey too, that’s how I knew it was a big deal because father wanted me to go to the NHL. But well, Mother had always wanted me to continue the business anyway, the NHL was no place for the heir to the Black empire and with you gone, I had no choice. Eventually, I was in that house every single moment of every day, I didn’t get to leave ever.”
“So, if there was no evidence of abuse the first time… then how did you get taken from them?” Sirius asked quietly.
“I almost died.” Regulus whispered his voice small, “I stopped talking entirely, not a single word. I just couldn’t do it and mother was furious. One day we got into an altercation, she said she wouldn’t stop until I spoke, but I couldn’t, and she didn’t. My life was saved by an open window if you can believe it… I think it was Kreacher.” Regulus said quietly remembering how the old butler had always been fond of him. "Because you know how it was, windows were never supposed to be opened, but that night, one was. The neighbors heard and called the police. I never admitted to the abuse and both of our parents denied it but evidence or not, they’d already received one report and with you running away and under the guardianship of the Potters, it was clear something wasn’t right. The news was kept quiet, but I would have never been allowed back there and they didn’t even really want me. I was in the hospital for a while and then shipped off to foster care once I was released. I didn’t have anywhere else to go, not in Washington at least. I was in so many different homes in only a few months, I kept running away and once you run they have to ship you off somewhere else. It wasn’t even that awful, some of the families were nice, but I didn’t care.”
“So… how did you end up with Andy?” Sirius asked and his voice was so purposefully stable Regulus knew that the story must have been killing him, but he didn’t interrupt.
“I guess as soon as she heard the news she started trying to get me sent to her, It was complicated…” Regulus mumbled. “She was pretty young at the time and had her own young daughter, plus she was living in California. I felt like I’d been to pretty much every foster home in Seattle by the time she was able to get me. I didn’t even want to go when she showed up, I didn’t want to leave Seattle even though I’d nearly died there, it was home. She’s very stubborn though, I kept trying to run, and every single fucking time she followed me. I threw tantrums, acted out, treated her and Ted like shit that first year, anything to make them get rid of me, but they wouldn’t. She told me every day she wasn’t giving up on me. She was true to her word. Eventually, I stopped waiting for her to hurt me, I stopped expecting to be beaten when I fucked up. I took a long time to stop flinching, but she never made me feel bad for it. She was never disappointed in me even when I was skipping school and getting detention every day. It was a shift, I’ll tell you. Going from life at Grimmauld Place to living in a little California suburb, going to public school… I hated it, I wanted to go back to my old life, and I felt crazy for it. It was a very long time before I settled. Before I realized that even once I turned eighteen and didn’t need a guardian anymore, Andy and Ted still wanted me, that Dora thought of me as her brother.”
“You found a home?” Sirius whispered.
“I did, so did you huh?”
“Yeah, I owe the Potters everything.”
“I know.”
They were silent for what felt like an eternity, just breathing together. Two brothers reaching out over a chasm full of years of pain and sorrow.
“I think it’s a miracle we both survived it,” Sirius eventually said his voice raspy. “I won’t take it for granted, I’m not letting you go again.”
“Sirius,” Regulus said tiredly. “I’m not even sure how we made it through this conversation without a screaming match. This is hard, it’s really hard.”
“Then you’ll just have to work. I’m willing to try, are you?”
Regulus paused. “Yes, yes,” he tilted his head up to the ceiling, taking a steadying breath. “I really thought you’d hate me now,” he admitted. “Do you?”
“I might have,” Sirius said, and while it stung, Regulus was glad for the honesty. “But I think I hated a version of you I’d created. The one who never left, who was just like our parents. I don’t think that version of you exists, and I don’t think I hate the real you.”
“Don’t think I’m someone I’m not,” Regulus said quickly. “I think there’s a part of me that is that person. If I hadn’t been forcibly removed I might have never left. There are bad parts of me.”
“Yeah, and there’s bad part of me too,” Sirius said fiercely. “When I heard that song of yours… I knew it was about me. I wanted to throw up, it hurt so badly. I think a part of me knew then that something in my image of you was inaccurate, but I reacted by getting angry and closing off. I couldn’t bear to face the idea that I’d been wrong. Even when Andromeda told me you left it didn’t make sense, her daughter Dora mentioned you having a boyfriend and I thought there was no way that could be right. You couldn’t be gay because then that messed with everything I thought I knew.”
“I am… gay.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“I know,” Regulus scoffed. “I’ve known for a long time.”
“I guess it proves you can’t beat queerness out of a kid. God our parents would be pissed, both of their kids failed to be heterosexual.”
Regulus was surprised by his own laugh. “God, they’d be livid. What are the odds?”
“Slim,” Sirius paused. “I have a boyfriend, by the way,” he said suddenly in a rush.
“I know, Lupin right?”
“I… how the fuck did you know that?”
Regulus scoffed. “You’ve been in love with him since you were like twelve, it was obvious.”
“Jesus, did everyone know except for me?”
“Knowing you, probably.”
It was Sirius’s turn to laugh at that. “Okay, okay,” he sighed. “So um, in the name of trying… is it too much to ask you to come to our show tomorrow?”
“I- what?” Regulus asked blankly. “Really?”
“Well, Dorcas and Marlene are going to be there, and I invited Mary as well because I think my manager Lily is secretly in love with her, then I invited Pandora too because she was there last night, so it’s not like you’d be with all people you didn’t know. Plus, you can bring the other two, Crouch and Rosier, might as well make it a party.”
“Are you sure?” Regulus asked hesitantly. “You don’t think that’s too quick?”
“Maybe, but we’ve wasted over a decade Regulus. Plus, it’s probably best to have some buffers in between us at first…”
“Probably,” Regulus admitted because Sirius was right, none of their friends seemed likely to let them murder each other. Or well… Barty might feel inclined towards murder, but not anyone else.
“Okay, you don’t have to agree if you’re not comfortable, I mean it’s clear you have something against James, and I don’t want anyone to feel bad—”
“No, no,” Regulus said quickly. “It wasn’t that… I just, I—” Regulus broke off unsure how he could possibly explain it, thankfully Sirius inadvertently gave him an out.
“James said today he didn’t think it was really about him. That you were upset about something else, and it’s the same for James by the way. He never snaps he’s been having a really hard time lately, some boy troubles I think, and he just lost it. I don’t think he meant it…” Sirius trailed off suddenly gasping in alarm. “I mean not boy troubles it’s uh- well… fuck. Sorry, don’t tell anyone I said that I’m not trying to out him.”
“I’m the last person who will be outing anyone,” Regulus said firmly. “And I get it, I don’t have anything against James, not really. I’ll behave.”
“Okay, and I’ll make sure he does as well, though I think Remus or Lily might murder him if he acts out again… or maybe just Lily, Remus has always been weirdly soft with him. But uh.. you’ll come?”
Regulus breathed out a heavy sigh. “Yes, no promises that it won’t be a complete disaster though.”
“That’s fine, okay, great,” Sirius said in a rush. “We can all get dinner after the show? Bring your other bandmates and anyone you want really, I don’t care.”
“I don’t really have anyone aside from Barty and Evan, but I’ll invite them.”
“Okay, no boyfriend, then?”
“No,” Regulus said quickly ignoring the flash of James’s smile when they’d woken up together that morning, they weren’t dating, James wasn’t his boyfriend, and even if he was Regulus couldn’t tell Sirius that. “Nothing like that.”
“Okay, okay. Um- I better hang up, got a show to play and all. Also, I think it might be best to quit while we’re ahead today.”
“Probably.”
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you then.”
The line went dead, and Regulus dropped his phone. For what must have been at least fifteen minutes Regulus just stood there in James’s kitchen trying to process the entire conversation. He’d talked to Sirius, Sirius, his big brother. They’d actually talked, for real, no tearing each other to bits, no unnecessary hate. Just talking.
Regulus had never allowed himself to miss Sirius before and as he stood there, a wave of grief hit him. For a long time, Regulus just stood there sobbing in the quiet of the afternoon. Crying for everything they’d lost, for every bit of pain between them, but also for the small fragment of hope that was growing somewhere dark and sensitive in his chest.
Maybe, there was a life where Sirius and Regulus Black could be brothers again and for the first time in a very long time, Regulus wondered if it could be this one.
--
James was on a high after their first night of tour in L.A. It’d gone as perfect as one could hope when it comes to putting on a show at that level, and nobody even questioned him when he begged out of celebrating early. His parents had come to the show, and he’d wanted to spend time with them after but they’d seen he was itching to leave instantly, insisting he go home and sleep. They’d be at the second one tomorrow night after all, and everyone was going out for dinner, so they assured him there would be plenty of time to celebrate. He still felt a little guilty as he unlocked his apartment, stepping into the dark entryway.
The place was quiet, but James noticed Regulus’s shoes by the door and his keys on the counter, so quietly, he flipped on a lamp. Toeing off his shoes, James crept into the apartment, looking first in the empty living room before heading down the hall and peering into his bedroom. Sure enough, Regulus was curled up in the middle of the bed fast asleep. James melted at the sight, resisting the urge to curl up next to him. He went into the bathroom instead taking a quick shower and changing into pajamas. When he returned, Regulus hadn’t moved and James quickly set his alarm before crawling under the blankets. Regulus shifted at the movement before turning over slowly.
“Hi,” James whispered, reaching out to tug on one of Regulus’s curls as he blinked sleepily up at him.
“Hm,” Regulus hummed in response shifting closer, so his head was pressed into James’s arm. James wasted no time lifting it so Regulus could snuggle into his side, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man.
“You awake enough for me to ask you a question?” James asked softly, pressing a kiss to Regulus’s hair.
“Depends,” Regulus mumbled.
“Sirius called?”
Regulus paused before raising his head, lifting a hand to rub his eyes. “Yeah, did he tell you about it?”
“Only that you agreed to come to the show tomorrow,”
“I did, we talked. We’re going to try,” he said softly.
“Good, that’s really good,” James said heart soaring. He’d always known the brothers still cared deeply for one another and he was so glad they were starting to realize that as well.
“Yeah,” Regulus dropped his head once more closing his eyes again and James didn’t ask any more questions. He only closed his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to memorize the feeling of falling asleep wrapped up in Regulus Black.
Notes:
My update schedule for this fic is Whenever I Feel Like It... which happens to be today. Occasionally people comment and remind me antithesis exists and I'm like huh, I literally have everything but the last chapter written, why am I not posting it?
Unfortunately, anti-hero is currently my favorite child and most of my attention goes to her, so pls forgive me. But even if I'm not updating this fic, I'm always writing and you know it.
Last time we spoke I got fired, dw I got over that! I hated that job anyway!! and am now feeling much better!!
Until next time <33
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
“Do you always go to the gym in the morning?” Regulus complained as James poured his protein shake into a travel cup.
“Most days,” James shrugged, laughing as Regulus made a face of disgust.
He leaned in to kiss it away and Regulus let him, unable to stop the warmth that spread through his body and the simple intimacy of sitting in James’s kitchen while he got ready to leave.
“Can’t believe you’re drinking that protein-smoothie thing, have coffee like a normal person.” Regulus scowled as James stepped back shaking the drink in his hands.
“I will have coffee after I have my protein shake.” James raised an eyebrow. “Now drink your own coffee and stop complaining about my life choices when I’m letting you sit on my counter.”
Regulus just swung his legs happily. “You’re not letting me do anything, don’t think you get to tell me what to do just because we had sex twice.”
James sighed putting his drink on the counter next to Regulus and stepping in between his legs, planting his hands on either side of Regulus’s thighs. “If I make it three times, can I?”
“No, you can make suggestions if you’d like, but I will never listen to them.”
“Hm, fair I suppose,” James pulled Regulus down into a heated kiss and it was different from the other times. Since Regulus was sitting on the counter he was the taller one for the moment and he found he quite liked it. “I just realized how short you are,” James who’d clearly been thinking the same thing said.
Regulus pushed him away in offense, “Just for that you’re not getting your third time.”
James groaned. “I know, I know.” He leaned in to steal another kiss, chaste and sweet. “We wouldn’t have had time anyway, I was supposed to be out the door uh…” he checked his phone, “three minutes ago.”
“Then leave you idiot,” Regulus pushed him away again and this time he went, grabbing his stupid smoothie and quickly throwing on his shoes.
“Okay, I’ll see you later, love.” It took Regulus everything in him not to react to the term of endearment James seemed to have adopted, Regulus wasn’t even sure if he was aware he’d started using it. Grabbing his keys off the counter he stopped at Regulus again, kissing him quickly on the cheek. “Lock up when you leave, okay?”
“No, I’m going to leak your address and let all of your fans break in.”
“Wonderful,” James grinned throwing open his front door. “Have fun!”
“I will!” Regulus called after him as the door shut, but even so, he could hear James’s laugh as he started down the hall.
Taking a deep breath Regulus closed his eyes, taking a sip of his coffee before jumping down from the counter. He needed to go home; Pandora seemed to think he’d died.
“Where have you been?” Evan asked when Regulus stepped through the front door of his house.
“Hell.”
“Ah, so your birthplace then?” Barty grinned, peeking up from the couch to raise his eyebrows.
“You’d know, you came from there too.”
“Oh absolutely,” Barty agreed.
“We’re going to my brother’s show tonight,” he told them, throwing his keys onto the coffee table and collapsing on the couch, shoving Barty’s feet out of his way as he did.
Evan gaped at him. “Pandora!” He called.
A moment later she appeared in the doorway. “Yes, honey?”
“Reg says we’re going to his brother’s show tonight.”
“Oh yes, I was invited at the afterparty the other day. I’m glad we’re making it a group thing,”
“Sounds fun as long as I can get drunk,” Barty shrugged.
“No, no, no,” Evan said turning on Regulus. “What could have changed within the past twenty-four hours that suddenly we’re going to see your brother?”
“We talked.”
“Talked?”
“A very long, very emotional talk,” Regulus said. “Point is we’re both trying now and he invited us to see him play and then get dinner after, so we’re going.”
“For real?” Evan asked, “Like this isn’t going to end in a bloodbath?”
“I hope not. No promises though,”
Evan just blinked before sighing in exasperation. “Fine, I need to go find something to wear,” he said standing and heading down the hall.
“I vote you go naked,” Barty called after him. “You’re too hot for clothes!”
“Oh, fuck off!” Evan called back and Pandora giggled.
“I love you guys,” she smiled.
“We love you too,” Regulus told her.
“Speak for yourself,” Barty scoffed, but of course, he didn’t protest when she leaned down to kiss his cheek.
--
Regulus wasn’t unaccustomed to being backstage, the strange thing was being backstage at his brother’s show, being led down to the dressing room alongside Pandora and Marlene. He was nervous about seeing Sirius in person, almost as nervous as he was to see James.
They’d talked about it a little that morning. They decided that they’d act friendly if forced to interact but overall, just try to stay away from each other for now. Regulus knew there was an entire conversation they needed to have about what they were doing, what their relationship was, and how they’d move forward, but Regulus didn’t want to have it. He didn’t want to burst this little bubble of happiness he was living in at the moment. Maybe it was selfish and stupid, but for the first time ever, Regulus was in love. He was in love and James wanted him back, regardless of the intensity of James’s feelings, that was undeniable at least.
“You were amazing!” Marlene greeted as the Marauders entered the dressing room, throwing an arm around Sirius as he twirled her around. “Except for you,” she prodded Sirius. “Everyone else was great, you were late on your guitar solo.”
Sirius scoffed pushing her away from him. “Oh shut up McKinnon, it was an artistic choice.”
“It wasn’t, he wasn’t paying attention,” Remus said from the corner, standing from the couch to hug Marlene and then Dorcas who was right behind her.
“Moony, Moonbeam, Moons, love of my life, moon to my stars?” Sirius singsonged.
“What, Sirius?” Remus sighed.
“Shut the fuck up.”
“I thought it showed authenticity,” Evan crossed his arms.
“You know what Rosier,” Sirius spun around, “you are so right, I like you.”
Remus sighed loudly again and Peter who was closer to Sirius reached out to slap him.
“Woah, Pete, what did I do to you?”
“I’m doing Moony a favor since he can’t reach to knock you over the head.”
“You know what you slimy fucking—”
“Sirius dear, please watch the language. That’s no way to talk to your friends.” To Regulus’s surprise, Sirius instantly closed his mouth, turning to look pleadingly at an older woman.
“Effie,” he said clasping his hands. “Please give me permission to curse, they’re ganging up on me. My band has betrayed me.”
“Hey, I didn’t do anything,” James protested. “Mom, I didn’t do anything.”
She reached out to swat at James gently. “Sweetheart, you are far too old to whine like this.”
James made a face and Regulus couldn’t stop himself from laughing lightly as he cowered under his mother’s kind scolding.
Sirius spun around suddenly. “So…” he said suddenly awkward, “did you like the show Regulus?”
Regulus shifted as suddenly all eyes were on the two brothers. “You were alright,” he muttered, and Sirius immediately broke into a wide grin.
“Holy shit, that’s Regulus Black for ‘you were brilliant.’ oh my god, forget awards I’ve got your approval now.”
Regulus couldn’t help but smile slightly too because the thing was, Sirius wasn’t being sarcastic at all. He really seemed to mean that Regulus’s approval meant something, that he was talented and knowledgeable about music enough that it was important.
“That’s Reg,” Pandora giggled. “A couple months ago he says to us ‘oh this song is alright’ and it turned out to be the most gut-wrenching incredible song we’ve ever made.”
“Fucking perfectionist maniac,” Barty muttered under his breath and Evan reached out to elbow him.
Mary stepped between them before an argument could break out. “Have your lovers spat another time boys,” she scolded.
“We’re not together!” They said in unison.
Regulus scoffed. “If only that were true, I wouldn’t have walked in on you making out on my couch this morning.”
“We did worse than that while you were gone,” Barty smiled wickedly.
Regulus spun; mouth open in disgust. “Excuse me?”
“What?” Barty shrugged. “You disappeared off the face of the earth for over twenty-four hours, we thought you were dead.”
“And your response was to taint my house?”
“I would have cried if you’d died, Reg,” Pandora said placatively.
“Thanks, Pandora,” Regulus sighed.
James’s mother was stepping forward before they could get any more off track, and Regulus was realizing this was probably a very disastrous group of people to get together. “It’s nice to meet you Regulus, I’m Effie, James’s mother, this is Monty,” she gestured behind her.
“Oh yeah- um, it’s nice to meet you.” Regulus stuttered out shaking both of their hands, he accidentally caught James’s eyes over their shoulders, and the other man just shot him a smile clearly enjoying his panic.
“Can we go get dinner now?” Peter asked hopefully. “I’m sorry, introductions and all that, but I’m starving,”
That was enough to get them moving, piling into cars to head to the restaurant which they’d rented out for the night. Regulus wound up in a car with James, his parents, and Sirius which he expected to be very awkward. In fact, Mary had tried to get him into another car, no doubt remembering his argument with James only days prior, but Regulus had insisted he was fine.
Thankfully Effie and Monty were very a calming presence and they kept up a steady conversation.
“So do you live around here Regulus?” Effie asked him as their car took off into the street.
“Uh yes, I have a house in L.A.,” he said, “but my family lives an hour or two outside of the city.”
“Oh, your family?” Effie asked and it was clear Sirius and James hadn’t told her the specifics of Regulus’s situation. He was sure being the one to take Sirius in, she was all too knowledgeable on the type of people Walburga and Orion Black were.
“Yeah, Andy my… cousin, ex-foster mom, guardian…” Regulus shrugged. “Take your pick, I don’t know. She and her husband Ted are like parents to me, I live with them and their daughter. Or I did, now I’m an adult obviously but I mean, I still go home a lot,” he quickly cut himself off realizing he was rambling, but Effie just smiled.
“That’s wonderful, how long have you lived with them?” Monty asked leaning forward.
Something about Effie and Monty Potter was easy, like they genuinely wanted to know about him, and Regulus didn’t find himself balking under their questions. It helped that James and Sirius had already heard this information, so he didn’t feel under attack by the questions.
“Since I was sixteen.”
“Good, I’m glad you had people so wonderful to rely on as a teenager.”
“Me too,” Regulus said softly.
The thing was, as far as Regulus had come, he was still quiet. Sure, he could talk, sometimes even a lot if it were the right person, but for the most part, he preferred to simply observe what was happening around him. Luckily, with the rowdy group they’d gathered for the night, there was no shortage of interesting interactions to watch as they made it to the restaurant. Regulus didn’t know which was better, watching Sirius and Remus bicker in their strange flirting way or watching Lily and Mary bicker without realizing they were flirting. It was also nice to see James interact with his parents and while strange, but not nearly as painful as he’d expected, nice to watch Sirius with them as well. It was clear the Potters adored Sirius and saw him as their own son. Instead of the burning resentment he used to feel at the thought, Regulus was just glad Sirius had someone to love him in the way Andy and Ted had loved Regulus.
Occasionally, despite his preference to simply observe, people would draw Regulus into the conversation, and he tried his best to keep up.
“So how did you meet your bandmates?” Lily asked him at one point.
“I went to Hogwarts with Barty and Evan, Pandora and I met at school too a little later.”
“Pandora went to Hogwarts?” Peter frowned looking to the woman like he was trying to recall that.
“No,” Pandora laughed, “that’s a very different tax bracket than I ever was,” she shook her head. “Reg and I went to high school together.”
“But I thought Regulus went to Hogwarts?” Peter asked clearly confused.
“I did,” Regulus said, “I was pulled out, I went to public school with Pandora.”
Lily tilted her head. “Your parents pulled you out of Hogwarts to go to public school?” She asked incredulously.
Pandora looked to Regulus, a question in her eyes, ready to cut in, but Regulus just shook his head, in a silent response. “No, they didn’t, I moved in with my cousin when I was sixteen. We met when I started going to school there, Barty and Evan chased me down that summer and we all wound up friends. I still don’t even understand how those two found me,” he shook his head, “but they did somehow.”
“Barty blackmailed a social worker,” Evan shrugged, and Regulus who had never heard this particular piece of information spun around in shock.
“He did what?”
“Oh, yeah,” Barty said casually. “He had a secret second family and so I found out and used it to blackmail him into telling me where you’d been placed. Granted I thought you were still in foster care, but he told us about your cousin, so we came to California and the rest was history.”
Lily’s eyes were wide as she looked between them,.“I’m pretty sure that’s a crime,”
Barty grinned. “Gonna report me, Evans?”
“No,” she sighed. “It’s probably a bit too late for that I think.”
“Good, I’ve committed lots of crimes actually.”
“Please don’t brag about them,” Regulus warned. “Nobody wants to hear about your mission to piss off your daddy,”
Barty scoffed but Evan spoke before he could start arguing. “Yeah, but the three of us met at Hogwarts, even though Regulus hated us for a long time.”
“I didn’t hate you.”
“You didn’t spend time with us.”
“I would have been boring company, I didn’t talk,”
“Hm, maybe not but we thought you were fascinating, plus you always hung out with Potter at first, but not us.”
“We practiced together,” Regulus rolled his eyes. “No talking needed…” he paused, “or well I didn’t have to do any talking, James has a problem with needing to fill silence,”
“Hey,” James protested, and Regulus noticed the way that those who’d been present on Friday tensed, no doubt fearing a fight, but James just grinned “I’ve been told my rambling is entertaining, my internal monologue is scintillating, I must share it with others.”
“Whatever have they done to be subjected to that?”
James scoffed. “You liked my talking, if you hadn’t you would have hit me over the head, I know it. You humored me.”
“I didn’t humor you, I wanted to practice, and you were semi-talented enough to work with. I made a sacrifice by listening to your horrid voice, in exchange for your musical skills.”
“Regulus Black, I think that was almost close to a compliment, you better be careful now.”
Regulus rolled his eyes and turned away before he could return James’s smile and out himself to everyone as being disgustingly in love with James Potter. He caught Remus Lupin’s watchful gaze as he did and immediately looked down.
Regulus tried to keep himself out of the conversation for the rest of the night but eventually even just listening felt overwhelming and he excused himself to get some air. Surprisingly, he thought it had gone far better than he’d ever expected when he agreed to come the day before.
--
Watching Regulus go, James felt his leg twitching in impatience but he forced himself to sit still for at least five minutes before excusing himself as well, lest it look suspicious. It wasn’t hard to find Regulus, he walked around the nearly empty building until he found a door leading to the back. As he stepped into the night air Regulus was outside, leaning against the wall cigarette between his fingers.
James knew Regulus smoked, he smelled it on his clothes sometimes, though he didn’t think it was something that happened often. As terrible as smoking was, James couldn’t help but think he did look hot doing it.
“You don’t smoke often do you?”
Regulus turned slowly, smiling faintly as he met James’s gaze. “Not often, don’t worry lung cancer is the least of my worries.”
“What is?” James asked. Regulus cocked his head as James came closer and he could tell by the younger Black’s expression that something serious had crossed his mind. “Tell me?” James asked softly, gently poking his arm.
Regulus reached out grabbing James’s hand and pulling him closer. “I’m a bit of a mess,” he admitted.
“I don’t mind.”
“I know, that scares me.”
“I know, you can tell me about your messiness. You don’t need to, but if you want to I’ll listen.”
Regulus hesitated. “You’re not just here for me to dump trauma on.”
“No, I’m not, and you saying that is exactly why I’m happy to listen to whatever you have to say. Because you understand and respect me. Because you think twice before putting things on me. I know if I had something you’d listen too, so I’ll listen to you. That’s how it works. That’s how it is with the Marauders too, the support goes both ways, I’d do anything for them because they’d do it for me. So, you can tell me, if you’d like.”
Regulus just watched him for a long moment, long lashes clear even in the dark, the stormy grey of his eyes thoughtful. “I’ve not always, or ever really taken care of myself.” He started quietly. “I suppose I never cared much about myself. Really, it was quite the opposite. As a teenager, I wanted to do as much damage as possible.” Regulus swallowed, eyes flitting away from James’s face. “I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, I did drugs, and got drunk. Every fucked-up way to… I don’t know, spite myself. I wanted control, and I spent so many years under my parents, trying to control anything I could. I think I found a sort of, vindictive glee in ruining everything around me. Like, look I can control my downfall too. So, things like smoking don’t feel as consequential as they should. I already fucked up, I’ve probably done some irrevocable damage to my body, the smoking is really the only lingering remnant of those days...” Regulus paused. “Well, that and a complicated relationship with speaking, food, and self-care in general. But I’m not like that these days, I’m better and I’m glad you never saw me like that.”
“How long have you been… better?” James asked softly.
“A few years now,” Regulus said, swallowing. “I suffered for a long time. I couldn’t have imagined any other life for myself at that time but eventually, I cracked, Andy and Ted really pushed me into treatment. I didn’t want it at the time but I’m glad they did. Once I was on the other side I couldn’t believe I’d convinced myself it was better to live like that.” Regulus shrugged as if it were nothing, but James got the feeling that it wasn’t.
James leaned in. “Thank you for telling me about it,” he murmured stepping farther into Regulus’s space, the other man let him without complaint, resting his head on James’s chest. “It’s okay if it’s still heavy, I think that some things probably stay that way. But you can always talk to me about it if you need to, even if I don’t get it, I’ll always listen.”
“Thanks,” Regulus whispered, and he sounded so genuine it made James’s chest ache in his fondness. Regulus leaned back lifting his head to look up at James. “One of the first times we ever talked I said you had a heaviness. You know you can tell me about that too? Before you said it goes both ways, but I’m not sure you always believe that.”
“I do,” James insisted. “I just don’t need it most of the time.”
“Is that true or do you convince yourself you don’t?”
James raised an eyebrow. “You know if your music career ever fails you should look into becoming a therapist.”
Regulus huffed unhappily in response, but he didn’t push James on the topic any more, neither of them heard the door open as Regulus stepped back dropping his cigarette and grinding it out with his toe. “What do you think of this, am I doing good?”
“I think you’re doing good at many things; you’ll need to be more specific.”
Regulus snorted and pushed James lightly. “I mean with Sirius and everyone, I’ve been very nice haven’t I?”
“Yes, you’ve been so nice. I barely even recognize you.”
“Excuse me? Jamie, I hope you rot.”
“Ahem,” there was a cough and they both spun startled to face Remus who was standing at the door arms crossed, he raised an eyebrow and for a moment they all stood in silence. Remus seemed to be waiting for one of them to say something when they didn’t he shook his head. “We’re about to head out, I was sent to find you,” he said before turning and leaving them standing there.
James and Regulus exchanged a worried look before James quickly raced after Remus bursting through the door and catching him in the hall. “Rem,” he panted grabbing his friend’s arm.
Remus stopped whirling around to face him. “James…” his voice was tight, and James didn’t know what he had concluded from the interaction he’d witnessed but whatever it was couldn’t have been good. “How well do you know Regulus?”
James wanted to lie but he didn’t think it’d go over well. “Well enough,” he admitted.
Remus frowned. “You were friends in school, Sirius mentioned it, recently. Honestly, I’d forgotten entirely, but you weren’t that close. Even if you had been, it’s been years. It’s been too long for you to be that comfortable. There’s something going on, don’t even bother lying to me James, I’m not an idiot.”
“Okay, look—” There was the sound of footsteps and then Regulus was standing behind them eyes wide, James broke off suddenly. “Reg,” he muttered nodding his head for him to keep going.
Regulus didn’t move, eyes darting between them, he frowned. “James…”
“Go, Regulus, I’ve got this.”
“No, I—”
“Please.”
Regulus took a sharp intake of breath. “No,”
“Yes, please let me handle this, just go. I’ll see you at mine later?”
Regulus was still for a moment longer before starting forward. “No you won’t I’m going home,” he muttered pushing past them and James immediately winced at his words.
“Regulus!” the other man simply ignored him pushing past them and disappearing back into the restaurant.
As soon as he was gone Remus was rounding on James. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He hissed. “Regulus? James Potter please, for the love of god, tell me you are not fucking Regulus Black!”
“I… Moony it’s not like that.”
“So, you’re not fucking him?”
“No, I mean I- I am but it’s not like that.”
“Then what is it like? Hm?”
“I care about him, Remus. I would never if it were just sex, I could never…”
“Do that to Sirius?” Remus offered looking especially furious. “Fuck his brother behind his back? How did this even happen? It must have been at the afterparty, right, what he got a little mean to you, and you decided to sleep with him?”
“No! I mean- well yes, but also no! You don’t get it, Moony. Look we were fighting, I was upset, and yes I slept with him, but I wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t important to me.”
“Wait, what fighting? James…” his voice was dangerous. “What do you mean fighting?”
“I mean, I- he kissed me, and he thought I was straight, and I thought he was straight, and we were just pissed with each other. Then at the party, I found out he was gay and it just… spiraled, I lost control and it wasn’t my proudest moment but I don’t regret it.”
“When the hell did he kiss you?”
“Before we left for tour.”
Remus paused and James saw it, the moment everything clicked into his place. His eyes widened and he stepped back in horror. “James, please, please, do not tell me that Regulus fucking Black is the same person you brought to the farm and have been agonizing over for months.” James didn’t answer but his silence was enough, Remus let out a hysterical laugh and James wasn’t sure if he was about to punch him or start crying. “James you can’t be in love with Regulus Black.”
“I never said I was in love with him,”
“You didn’t need to, look me in the eye right now and tell me you’re not.”
“Remus…”
“Exactly,” Remus hissed. “You need to tell Sirius,”
“I- I can’t, he might never forgive me.”
“Then you should have thought about that before you slept with his little brother! Do you not get how important it is that they’re repairing their relationship, you’ll ruin it, James!”
“I know, I fucking know Remus! It’s been killing me, I know I made a stupid decision, but I can’t take it back now!”
“You can and you will!”
“As soon as Sirius finds out he’ll turn on Regulus and I already know he’ll hate me forever Moony, I can face that, but I also know how important their relationship is. Telling him will get in between Sirius and Regulus.”
“So, what do you want me to do? Walk around knowing you’re sleeping with Sirius’s brother behind his back and never say a word? Just let you keep doing it? No, either you tell him, or I will.”
“No, no, Remus please,” James pleaded. “Look… what if I end things with Regulus, never look at him again? I’ll stay away. Then they can have their relationship, and nothing will be happening between me and Regulus anymore.”
“That won’t undo anything you’ve done James. That won’t change the fact that you’d still be keeping something from Sirius.”
“I’ll tell him, okay? I’ll end things with Regulus and then once he and Sirius are in a more stable place, I’ll tell him.”
Remus paused and James knew even as bad a plan as it was, he’d gotten him. “I’m pissed at you James, I’m really angry that I’ve been forced to become complicit in your lies. I can’t believe you’d do this to Sirius, to your best friend…” he pinched the bridge of his nose tiredly,. “But you know what? I’ve felt sick as hell all day and it’s not my responsibility to dig you out of this hole. I can’t deal with this right now. So fine, you have a week to break up with him, if you haven’t done it by then I’ll tell Sirius. If you end things with Regulus I’ll keep my mouth shut until he and Padfoot are on better footing, but as soon as I think they seem good enough you’re telling him.”
“Okay,” James whispered, because what else was there to say?
Remus just looked at him for a moment before turning on his heel and leaving James in the dark hallway to drown in his mistakes.
Notes:
So you might be thinking: "Mere, what on earth is the deal with antithesis?" my answer is I DON'T KNOW. If you follow any of my other fics this one probably seems like it's written by an entirely different person. Everything else gets long, well-thought-out prose-like writing and weekly updates that are beta'd and properly proofread, but not this!
The truth is, this fic is my little deranged corner of ao3 and updates come whenever I feel like killing myself and want a distraction! So I hope you all don't mind and still enjoy it, if you want weekly updates and actual artful writing, you can go read
pathological people pleaser which is my current big WIP featuring BPD James and enough angst and shenanigans to go around.Anyway, thanks for always letting me be a mess in these end notes. Truthfully, I feel like way too many people are paying attention to me with my other fics and I like to pretend I have my shit together elsewhere :)
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
James awoke to the sound of the key in the lock. He stumbled out of bed, not bothering to grab a shirt as he rubbed his eyes. He slid to a stop in his living room, face-to-face with Regulus Black.
They both stared at each other for a moment a million words between them neither knew how to say. James just looked. Savored every bit of Regulus from the slope of his nose to the sharp line of his jaw. He was wearing a sweatshirt with his high school class on it and James liked the way it hung around his shoulders. Regulus was twisting a ring around his finger in quiet nervousness and he stepped forward he spoke quietly.
“Did Lupin tell Sirius?”
James blinked tearing his gaze from the lovely pale skin at Regulus’s throat. “No,” he said quickly. “No, but he wants me to tell him. It’s going to come out eventually but not yet, not with the tour, not with the two of you just beginning to mend your bridges.”
Regulus swallowed. “I’m sorry you’re keeping secrets from your friends, I’m sorry I put you in this position.”
“Regulus, don’t you dare,” James said his voice low as he stepped forward. “We’re both adults with functioning brains. I knew exactly what I was doing, I’m the one who kissed you, I took you home at the afterparty. I made my decisions, so don’t apologize.”
Regulus’s face was still, his expression tight. Something flitted through the depths of his dark eyes that James couldn’t quite place before he nodded tersely. “Sorry for snapping at you,” he said his voice barely above a whisper. “I was scared. I’m afraid Sirius will never forgive me if he finds out like this…”
That should have been the moment James told Regulus everything. He should have told him what Remus had said, the deal they’d made. James should have called Remus up and told him he’d changed his mind, that he wouldn’t break up with Regulus… except, then James thought about it. He thought about what would come next. He’d have to tell Sirius and the only way to make him get it, the intensity of importance of the relationship between James and Regulus… would be to out the fact that he’d been secretly gallivanting around with Regulus for months. He’d been lying, knowingly sneaking around behind Sirius’s back to be with his brother. Sirius would see it as a betrayal. James couldn’t risk Sirius feeling as if his own reconciliation with Regulus was somehow orchestrated or inorganic, but how could James prove otherwise? Why should Sirius believe him once he found out James was a dirty liar? James thought he might live through losing Sirius, but he couldn’t take Sirius from Regulus, not after everything… they needed time to strengthen their relationship, James knew in his heart that if it came out right now… Sirius would most likely cut them both off. But at the same time, James couldn’t make Remus keep his secret. He couldn’t keep running around with Regulus when it was wrong.
So, James, stupid, cowardly James fucking Potter… didn’t say a word.
Instead, he stepped forward and pulled Regulus into his arms. The other man’s reaction was immediate, winding his arms around James’s waist and tucking his head beneath James’s chin. In that moment, even though he knew it couldn’t last, James couldn’t ever imagine wanting anyone aside from Regulus Black. Maybe it was a naïve thought, brought on by the moment, by the way Regulus smelled faintly of vanilla and something so uniquely him that James couldn’t describe it. Maybe in ten years he’d be happily married to someone else and scoff at his blindness. At that moment, however, James felt like he was losing the love of his life.
He should have said something then. Pulled away before either of them could get any more tangled in one another. But so far, he’d only made one bad decision after another, so what was one more? Just one, just another day when he could hold Regulus, kiss the scowl off his face, bite at the faint freckles on his cheeks.
So, James held him close, and he wished there was a way he could project his own feelings into someone else’s brain. He was sure that if Sirius were able to feel how strongly James felt, if he could understand how intense it was, then maybe he’d understand. Maybe he would be able to get how James had felt like he was spinning out of control every time Regulus looked at him, how he couldn’t keep his hands off, keep the smile from his face when the younger Black brother was in the room. James wanted to drown himself in Regulus and never come up for air, he’d be happy to die like that, with Regulus’s head tucked under his chin.
“Wanna come somewhere with me today?” James asked softly, turning his head to nose at Regulus’s curls.
“Where?”
James pulled back and Regulus lifted his head to look up. His long lashes were coated in a layer of mascara and James found he quite liked the eye makeup when Regulus was wearing his casual clothes and his freckles were peeking through. It was like an enchanting mix of the real terribly human version of Regulus Black and the reminder that he was also an incredibly hot, rich, and famous superstar.
“It’ll be a surprise.”
Regulus let out a longsuffering sigh. “Fine,” he agreed unhappily as if it were a terrible thing to ask of him, but James was beginning to get the strangest feeling that Regulus might follow him just about anywhere.
“Good,” James smiled kissing Regulus on the nose, he immediately made a scrunched-up face of distaste and James couldn’t help the laugh that fell from his lips. “Good god, you’re absolutely perfect,” James told him pressing another kiss to his cheek and then to the freckle under his eye.
“Shut up,” Regulus muttered but didn’t move away from James’s advances. “When do you get on the road again?”
“Hm, tomorrow morning.” James’s smile faded. “I’m having dinner with my parents tonight, then it’s on a plane first thing tomorrow.”
“Well, you’ll only have a month left, it’ll fly by I’m sure.”
“I hope…your album is coming out soon, right?”
“The end of summer.”
“Good, I’ll listen to it.”
Regulus rolled his eyes but James knew he cared. “Whatever.”
“I’m going to get dressed,” James pulled back and Regulus reluctantly released him. “You sit here and look pretty.”
“I always look pretty, that won’t be hard to do.”
“Yes, yes you do, you perfect, gorgeous, incredible human,”
James delighted in the way Regulus’s cheeks flushed even as he just pushed James away. “Go get dressed.”
James obeyed quickly throwing on the first thing he found. He wished he could immediately run back out but unfortunately, he cared slightly about hygiene and had to stop to wash his face and brush his teeth. James laced up his shoes clumsily and bounded down the hall, stopping in the kitchen as he smelled fresh coffee. Regulus was sitting on the counter feet swinging as he scrolled through his phone, he looked up when James came in and pushed a travel mug towards him.
“You made me coffee? Regulus Black…” James grabbed his face pulling him down into a heated kiss.
It quickly got away from them and before he knew it James was pulling Regulus off the counter and spinning them, walking Regulus backward until his back hit the wall, causing the other man to let out a little gasp of surprise. James swallowed it greedily, his hands slipping under Regulus’s shirt, delighting in memorizing the planes of his stomach, the way his hands enveloped Regulus’s waist. James wasn’t even aware of the fact that his hands were fumbling with the button of Regulus’s Jeans until Regulus was pulling away. James tried to chase his lips, but Regulus put a hand out, panting heavily.
“If we don’t stop now, we will not be leaving.”
“I don’t care,” James mumbled pressing his face into Regulus’s throat. “Don’t wanna go anymore.”
“James Potter, this was your idea, and I am a very weak man, please do not test my resolve I will break.”
James pulled away feeling a rush of affection as he took in Regulus’s flushed cheeks and messy hair. “Are you a weak man? Regulus you are the most stubborn person I’ve ever known.”
“You make me weak.” James instantly beamed, and Regulus pushed him back with a muttered: “Shut up.”
“Fine, fine,” James let himself be removed from Regulus’s body. “Later?”
“Maybe,” Regulus scowled in a way that James knew meant yes.
“Well in that case,” James reached up smoothing down his hair slightly and turning to grab the coffee.“C’mon love, we have an adventure to go on.”
--
The adventure James had insisted on turned out to be driving up as far as possible until they could see all of L.A. and parking James’s truck at the overlook. The day was quiet and despite the mundaneness of it all, Regulus found something warm in his chest growing as James unfolded a blanket so they could sit in the bed of his truck.
“Like it?” James asked hopping up next to him.
Regulus looked out at the city, thinking of all the people in it, everyone living their own lives with their own problems. He probably knew some of them, and many knew him, knew the name Regulus Black. Yet at that moment, they had no idea who he was, or what he was doing. Regulus Black was just another man with his lover at his shoulder, just another person out of billions.
“Yeah, I do,” Regulus answered softly after a minute.
“I thought you would, I think it’s easy to get so caught up in the city, you know? Like everything is happening and everything is important, up here I think you get some perspective. I like that it reminds me how unimportant I am.” James said softly gesturing to the view. “It’s so easy to get stuck in being someone… I won’t be forgotten, not entirely. No matter how many years have passed I know I’ve made enough of a mark on the world that my music and my name will stay, probably for a long time. Even if no one cares anymore, even if it doesn’t play on the radio and people’s children complain that it’s ‘old people’ music. I cemented myself. It’s scary, and it’s easy to feel self-important because of it, but at the end of the day, I’m no one. I’m just a person and we’re all just the same at our cores. I’m not any more special just because people will remember my name. That’s why I like up here. I like to think about how many people in L.A. alone, are somebody too. How many names there are that millions of people know, how many there have been before me and how many will come after.”
“It is comforting,” Regulus agreed softly. “I think when you’re in the public eye you’re trained to see everything you do as mattering. Like we’re given media training, publicists, and taught to keep things secret. We live in fear of scandals and it’s overwhelming. I like that, the thought that even if we will be remembered there are so many other people who will too. Even if I fuck up big time and wind up with a huge scandal on my hands, even if I destroyed my career and it was a notation next to my name whenever I came up, in a hundred years who would care? Would anyone really dwell on a mistake a celebrity made decades earlier? I don’t think so.”
“No,” James leaned into Regulus reaching out to grab his hand. “Maybe our names mean something to some people, but at the end of the day, the world is huge, time keeps on chugging along regardless of how you feel about it. We’re a tiny, little speck in the grand scheme of all of existence. You are somebody, but at the end of the day you’re just Regulus and I’m just James, and right here between us, that’s all we are. You’re important, you’re somebody to me and that’s the only thing that matters right now.”
“You’re somebody to me too,” Regulus whispered, and they should have continued the conversation, should have discussed what that meant, what they were going to do, what they were.
They didn’t.
Instead, James pulled Regulus forward, kissing him like he’d die if he didn’t get as close to Regulus as physically possible and Regulus responded, climbing into his lap and letting himself be devoured alive. They’d talk, eventually, they’d talk. Maybe Regulus would call James tomorrow whenever he landed, or maybe the day after that. They would figure it out, Regulus would see if he could get Remus’s number, maybe he ought to talk to the man directly. He didn’t want to make him keep a secret for them.
Regulus didn’t know he’d never get the chance. He didn’t notice the tinge of sadness in James’s eyes, the goodbye in every touch.
He didn’t know.
--
Regulus’s house was quiet when he awoke. He knew instantly he was alone because Pandora never slept late and she always woke up Evan who woke up Barty so if they’d been there, he would have woken to the sound of bickering. Instead, there was only silence and Regulus yawned checking his phone. He only glanced at the notifications, seeing nothing of importance. He could admit he was mostly looking for James’s name, however, he was sure the man was still on his flight, and he wasn’t surprised by the lack of messages.
Regulus showered, made himself coffee, and checked his emails as was his routine. Nothing seemed abnormal, he spent twenty minutes replying to messages before shutting his laptop. He was going to the studio today to work on the last track and then their album would be done. It was scary and exhilarating, even though he’d never quite gotten the ballad he wanted. They were already pushing it far too close, and they couldn’t waste any more time. After that, he’d have only a very short break before it was press and performances to promote the album which he was not looking forward to.
Regulus was thinking about whether or not he could convince Dorcas to let him entirely redo the bridge of their last song when he spotted the envelope on his counter. He frowned thinking one of his bandmates had left something but when he grabbed it, his own name was written on the front in messy pen.
The thing was, Regulus knew. He knew as soon as he took in the blue ink and the way the ‘R’ of his name was written far bigger than the rest of the scribbled letters, he knew as he opened the envelope and unfolded the paper inside. He knew but it still hit him like a sucker punch to the gut, doubling him over in unimaginable pain.
Regulus,
I know this is the coward’s way out, I really meant to talk to you today, but I just couldn’t. I’m afraid I’ll take one look at you and take it all back, I already want to take it back, but I can’t. I couldn’t live with myself if I did, I’m afraid I’d only come to hurt you more. I lose control when it comes to you, Regulus. You make me absolutely fucking crazy and I couldn’t get you out of my mind from the moment I bumped into you in the bathroom, even before that really. I never changed the song if one of yours came on, I never switched the channel when you were doing an interview. I hoarded all these little pieces of you I could get before I even admitted to myself I was doing it.
I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything, I want to just die with you. If I could do that without hurting the people around me, I would. I know what you’re thinking, that I’m already hurting you. I know, I really do know. It’s fucking killing me, but if I stayed, if I let this go on, it’d only be worse. I’d hurt Sirius, the entire band would suffer because of it. Remus is already suffering because I forced his hand. Now he has to keep us a secret from his boyfriend, the man he loves and that’s my fault. Your relationship with Sirius would suffer which is far more important than you and me. As much as I care about you more than almost anything, he’s your brother and I’ve always known you needed each other even when neither of you could see it. I can’t risk getting between that. Eventually, all of this was going to blow up. It was too late even by the time I invited you to the farm, I was in too deep, running around with my best friend’s little brother. I couldn’t explain my way out of that, even before we’d ever slept together, even before I was so lost in you. Sirius still probably won’t forgive me, and I’ll have to tell him eventually, but it's a sacrifice I’ll make. I’ve been trying to come up with something to make any of this work and I just can’t. This is still the best option for the most people involved, at least for you.
I have to end things. Don’t think for a moment that this is something I’m doing lightly. It’s not a decision I made easily. I know this will hurt, I know you’ll hate me for it, but I can live with that. You have a life, you have your friends, your cousin, and now Sirius. You have so much, and I know I’m putting that in danger, I know even if you pretend like reconnecting with Sirius is nothing, it’d kill you to lose him again. So, I’m going to keep my distance, I’m going to let you go. Eventually, I’ll tell Sirius everything, but I think you need more time and Remus has agreed to keep it quiet for now. Sirius won’t forgive me, but if we’re not together anymore, there’s a chance he’ll forgive YOU at the very least. I wish that there was a better option, but I can’t find one. I knew from the beginning I was screwing us both over and I’m so, so fucking sorry it’s come to this.
I hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted, it’s all I can wish for. Thank you for giving me a little slice of what we had, even if I never feel for anyone how I feel for you, I’m grateful I got to have you, for however short of a time.
-James
--
Life went on.
There was one thing Regulus Black knew by now and it was that simple fact.
It never stopped, never paused, never waited for you to catch up. The world didn’t stop for you to grieve the loss of your childhood, it didn’t stop to let you learn how to speak again, it didn’t even offer a moment to breathe. Life just kept pushing and either you killed yourself or let it push you along with it.
Regulus had considered the first option at times, when he was so young he couldn’t imagine living past it. He tried to give up, to stop eating, stop sleeping, stop moving, but even if you did, nothing else stopped. Eventually with his cousin’s hand on his shoulder, Regulus was forced to stand up. There he’d stood, for years, one foot in front of the other. Life went on.
So, he could have gotten back in bed the day he found James’s letter. He could have sobbed until he shattered, let himself rot until his friends and family came knocking.
Instead, he lifted his head, put the letter in the trash and grabbed his car keys. He walked into the studio with such a blazing determination that no one protested when he said they were scrapping the last song, that he had something better. He wrote his fucking ballad, kept his head up, and walked.
Sometimes late at night the pain would try to creep in, the ache of being left, of being almost enough but not quite. Regulus started taking sleep medicine. He woke up in the morning, showered, drank his coffee, answered his emails, rolled his eyes at whatever argument his friends were having.
Life went on.
Some things changed, some didn’t. They did their interviews with practiced ease, performed and promoted with smiles. Slytherin played their songs like they always had, so in sync with one another, a family, a phenomenon.
That was all the same, the only thing that wasn’t was that sometimes Regulus performed the song he’d written about his brother, and he didn’t think about Sirius leaving at a teenager. Instead, he’d think about their last phone conversation. Sirius called him every day when he was on tour. Sometimes they talked, mostly the fought, but they always called again the next day no matter what. When The Marauders finished their tour and returned home, those daily calls were sometimes replaced by actual face-to-face visits. Regulus would come for dinner or grab lunch with his brother, often Remus Lupin was there as well.
Regulus had tried to hate him at first. He despised the fact that the man looked at him and knew he’s been claimed and ruined by James fucking Potter, but Remus was hard to hate. He was kind and soft at times, but under his big sweaters and warm eyes, he was sharp and sarcastic as well. He never hesitated to tell it like it was, constantly bringing Sirius down with a simple glare.
Regulus couldn’t help but respect him, especially after the time he’d leaned over Regulus’s shoulder looking at the staff paper in his hands. Regulus had been struggling with the composition for days and within a second Remus had looked at the music and seen exactly the problem. Regulus had turned gaping at him in surprise and Remus had just shrugged.
“I went to college for music you know,” he’d said. “The rest of The Marauders may get by simply by their ears and pure vibes, but I always worked better with a more technical approach.”
“He’s fucking brilliant,” Sirius had piped up. “Went to school all through our first years in the business, don’t know how he even managed.”
After that they’d bonded somewhat because even when he’d played with James for years, Regulus had always been more focused on theory and technicalities while James just played. In fact, Regulus remembered James often getting in trouble for arguing with their theory teacher or over-embellishing a piece. But no, nope, Regulus wasn’t thinking about James.
He was moving forward.
He did, really, truly. The only time he stilled was when music allowed him to. When the song he’d written the day James left cracked him open and for a second, Regulus allowed himself to feel it.
“Move a little, rest your head
Sometimes I, kind of wish you were dead
But no not really, how simple it’d be
If I had some right to grieve
But what was I ever to you?
Cut me open, tear me in two
Live a little lose a lot
Eat my heart and let me rot.”
Maybe he looked back a little when it came to Slytherin’s next single, maybe he suggested that song out of bitterness. Maybe he did it because he knew James would be more likely to hear it that way. If so, no one needed to know that.
The first time Sirius came over to Andromeda’s, Regulus was nervous. He didn’t expect to be, he and Sirius had spent a lot of time together recently and sometimes, it was even easy. It was like they were really brothers again, like the times before they’d grown apart. Other times it was hard, they’d argue over stupid things and important ones too, but they kept trying and every time Regulus tried to run, Sirius always followed him. It was strange, but despite everything, Regulus was happy about one thing, having his brother back.
Maybe James was right.
God, Regulus didn’t know how to live with James being right.
When the doorbell rang Dora pounded down the stairs, determined to be the one to answer it. Regulus was right behind her as she swung the door open.
“Hi!”
“Hi,” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Dora, right?”
“Yep, you’re Sirius and that’s your boyfriend, Remus, my mom told me, you’re Reggie’s brother,” she raised an eyebrow in challenge. “I remember you from the store.”
“Yup, that’s us.”
“Dora, let them in,” Regulus sighed, gently pulling her back from the doorway she swatted at him as he pulled on her pink ponytail.
Andy was stepping into the entryway a moment later. “Sirius, Remus, it’s good to see you two again.”
“You as well,” Remus smiled because he was the only one with manners.
“Come on, dinner’s ready. Ted didn’t make it, so you’re very lucky.”
“Dad’s a terrible cook,” Dora told them. “Regulus, tell them that dad is a terrible cook,”
“Dad shouldn’t be let within fifty feet of an oven,” Regulus agreed.
“Whoa, from my own children!” Ted called from the dining room. “Get in here you scoundrels.”
Remus looked amused by the entire interaction, Sirius looked a little confused and surprised, but not exactly in a bad way. Regulus couldn’t describe the look his brother shot him.
Dora spent the first half of dinner asking Sirius and Remus anything and everything she could about the Marauders, but neither seemed to mind her questions and they answered without complaint.
“I wish I’d gotten to see you guys on tour,” Andy lamented. “I heard when your show was in L.A. but didn’t even think of getting tickets, and then somebody went without us.”
“Well, I didn’t know you wanted to go,” Regulus crossed his arms.
“Next time,” Sirius assured Andromeda. “At this point, we’ll be touring until we’re eighty,”
“You don’t think about slowing down?” Andy asked. “It must be exhausting.”
“It is” Sirius agreed. “We’ll definitely retire eventually, but it kind of hinges on James honestly.”
“How come?” Ted asked curiously.
“Well, he’s always been the one with a dream past this,” Sirius shrugged. “The rest of us have always been laser focused on work, but he always wanted to retire one day. Get married, have some kids, the works. So, whenever he decides to settle down, the rest of us will probably follow as well, I mean we’ve been doing this a decade, we trust him, you know?”
“I’ve kept up with your career,” Andy said. “You’ve been busy the last decade, I’m glad you don’t plan to keep it up forever though. Impressive as it is, you wouldn’t want to burn yourself out.”
“Yeah, I used to never want to stop but the older I get the more I realize I can’t be touring and putting out music like a damn factory forever, plus…” he looked to Remus smiling softly, “settling down doesn’t sound like the worst thing.”
“Sirius Black settling down,” Remus scoffed.
“For you, Moony? I’d do anything,”
Remus rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t hide his affectionate smile.
“It’s a little funny how you and Regulus both wound up celebrities,” Ted pointed out.
“Nepotism,” Sirius, Regulus, and Andromeda said all at once, pausing for a moment before bursting into peals of laughter.
As Regulus grinned, he couldn’t help but feel a sort of peace as he realized at that moment that they understood each other.
The three disowned, disappointments of the Blacks… somehow, they’d all done pretty well for themselves.
--
Sirius’s birthday was always a weeklong event. There was a variety of events that he always planned but no matter how much those changed, two things always stayed the same. He always threw a big party with practically everyone he knew, renting out some fancy club, but on his actual birthday, it was always something quiet. Originally, it’d just been The Marauders but over the years they’d collected more people, James’s parents started hosting once they adopted Sirius, and now they came out for it every year. Some years later had come Lily, then Marlene and Dorcas, and this year… Regulus.
See, over the past four months, James had very thoroughly avoided Regulus. They’d crossed paths a few times, but James had always situated himself as far as possible or begged out early if he could. From what he’d heard, Regulus and Sirius’s relationship was going well, in fact Remus mentioned going for dinner at Andromeda’s and based on the looks he kept shooting James, he needed to tell Sirius soon.
The first half of the night went surprisingly well, there were enough people there that as long as James made a conscious effort, he could stay away from Regulus and thankfully, the other man seemed to be set on ignoring James as well. Keeping his distance didn’t ease the ache James had been carrying around since he’d broken things off, but it at least he eased his guilt slightly regarding Sirius. His guilt about Regulus, however? Well, that was something entirely separate. But Regulus hadn’t seemed fazed in the least by the entire thing, so as much as the thought made him want to throw up, James had begun to realize that maybe Regulus's feelings had never quite matched James’s.
After having dinner and cutting the cake, they all retreated to Sirius’s living room to longue around and simply exist together for a while. James was sitting next to his mother who was talking about one of their cows who’d been sick recently when Lily got a phone call. She frowned at her screen before standing quickly and excusing herself.
Lily never knew when to quit working so James wasn’t really surprised. What did surprise him was when Lily reentered a few minutes later, phone gripped tightly in her hand, mouth in a thin line. Instantly the conversation stopped as everyone noticed the tension in her shoulders, something was clearly wrong.
“Lils?” Remus questioned in worry.
“Um, James can you come with me for a moment?”
“What’s wrong?” James asked frowning as he rose from the couch to follow her, stopping short as she hesitated.
Lily paused grimacing. “Regulus… I think you should come too.”
James froze, spinning around, Remus’s eyes widened, and Regulus set the glass he’d been drinking from down with a sharp bang. They knew instantly. They knew what that must have meant.
“What?” Sirius looked between them. “What’s going on?”
“I- let me just talk to them for a minute Sirius,” Lily said tightly.
There was another moment of hesitation before Regulus rose as well, his jaw clenched as they followed Lily into the guest room. She shut the door behind her, turning and taking a deep breath.
“It seems there have been some photos leaked, it’s too late to do anything unfortunately, they’ve already been published. It’s about to be everywhere if it isn’t already.”
“What photos?” James asked his voice choked.
Biting her cheek Lily opened her phone and held it out, James took it, the air leaving his lungs as he took them in.
It was James and Regulus, that day at the overlook, in the back of James’s truck. There was no room in any of the photos to deny anything. Regulus was in James’s lap, caught in an undeniable kiss. Fuck, you could even see James’s hands under Regulus’s shirt in some of them.
“Fuck,” James croaked, looking up with wide eyes.
Regulus reached out grabbing Lily’s phone from his hands. James watched his face go white, his mouth falling open.
They all just stood there for a moment as James squeezed his eyes shut “Where did these pictures come from? I- I didn’t even know there was anyone there.”
“I don’t know,” Lily said softly. “But they’re already in the media, we need to meet with your publicists to figure out how to proceed. Regulus, you’ll have to talk to Mary, but I’d wager she’ll probably be calling you any time now as well. However, business aside I understand that this was a private moment between the two of you, this is your personal lives being grossly invaded and I understand that. I want to know if you have any requests about how we handle this? Would you rather we try to cover it, up do you want to admit to your relationship?”
“We’re not together,” Regulus said flatly, and Lily looked between the two of them, brow furrowing as she seemed to notice the tension.
“I- you said this is everywhere, it’s already out?” James asked his voice shaking.
“I’m afraid so,” Lily said softly.
“Fuck, fuck I have to tell Sirius. I have to tell him before he finds out from anywhere else,” James turned throwing open the bedroom door ignoring Lily’s calls for him to wait.
As James burst back into the living room Regulus was suddenly on his heels.
“Wait, wait!”
James spun. “Do you not want me to tell him?” He asked harshly turning to meet Regulus’s eye for what must have been the first time since he’d ended things.
“I didn’t say that, I said to wait! Don’t be stupid and brash,”
“How am I being either of these things? Would you rather he finds out from fucking Twitter, huh Regulus?”
“I didn’t say that! Stop putting words in my mouth, I’m saying to pause and wait a moment, don’t know why I expect you do to that though! Probably stupid of me huh? I learned my lesson about expecting anything from you. Clearly, you’re a fucking idiot who has never thought anything through a day in their life!”
“Oh?” James scoffed. “So that’s what this is about? No, no you do not get to throw the choices I made back in my face. I did the right thing!”
“For who? Yourself?”
“For everyone involved!”
“Not for me, James!”
“Yes for you! For Sirius! I need to tell him, I explained—”
“I don’t want your fucking excuses James! You left me!” Regulus’s voice cracked on the last word and suddenly James couldn’t yell, not when Regulus was breathing heavily, not when he was angrily wiping tears from his face. “You left me,” Regulus repeated his voice barely above a whisper.
“What the fuck is going on?” Sirius demanded cutting through the heavy silence that followed Regulus’s words. “Tell me what?”
James paused, stiffening as he suddenly remembered they had an audience, slowly he turned to Sirius but even as he opened his mouth, but he couldn’t make the words come out. Where did he even begin?
“No,” Regulus said harshly. “You don’t get to hesitate James, you wanted to tell him, tell him!”
“I- Reg—”
“No,” he hissed. “Tell Sirius how you fucked his little brother, James.”
James felt the air leave the room, he wanted to look away as Sirius’s face suddenly became very carefully blank.
“Excuse me?” Sirius asked, his voice was quiet, calm in a dangerous way that started alarm bells ringing in James’s head.
Regulus was continuing before James could say a word. “Oh you heard right,” he raised an eyebrow, his voice cold. “Yup, we bumped into each other in the bathroom after we both failed to win artist of the decade, then again in Dorcas’s studio, exchanged numbers and oh, he just kept coming back, didn’t he? And for me it was fine, we could be friends, right? It wasn’t like I was in contact with you, it’s not like I thought I’d be either. So, what was the harm really? Not sure what James was thinking since he knew full well I was his best friend’s estranged brother but don’t worry, he fixed it! Yep, fucked me then left me to rot, after he got what he wanted, right James?”
“No,” James interrupted finally finding his voice again. “It wasn’t like that, Regulus, you know it wasn’t like that!”
“Oh really?” Regulus rounded on James eyes blazing and he knew suddenly he’d been very wrong about Regulus being unfazed by the breakup. Regulus had been hurt by it, he had cared, very deeply if the pain in his gaze was anything to go by. “You know I didn’t think it was, but one day you’re acting like I’m the whole fucking world and saying I’m important to you and the next you end things with a letter. A fucking letter?”
“I know, I made a bad decision! All of it was on me, I know, I know I should have said it to your face! I tried; I did! But every time I look at you all I can think is that I will never feel this way about anyone! Every time I looked at you all I could think is that you’re probably the love of my life, and how cruel and fucked up is that? That from the beginning I was never going to be able to keep you and I left because I love you!”
That at least seemed to shut Regulus up for a moment and they just stared at each other, the hurt sitting like a chasm between them that neither were able to cross. “You don’t get to say that.” Regulus said, his voice pained but quieter now. “I was willing to do all of it for you James, live outside of the city have four fucking kids, I would have done it if you’d asked. If you had tried to talk to me instead of running away. And did it work? Did you spare me? Spare Sirius or anyone else, did you fucking spare yourself?”
James didn’t know how to answer that, and he just stood there helplessly as Regulus looked like he’d been ripped open.
“Yeah,” Regulus muttered when James didn’t respond. “That’s what I thought. But you know what, good luck James, now the whole fucking world knows.”
Regulus turned, the apartment door slamming shut behind him and for a moment nobody breathed. Then Sirius was stepping forward.
“Did you fuck my brother?”
“Yes,” James said because what else was there to say?
Sirius didn’t even say anything in reply and as he pushed past James following Regulus out the door, James knew he’d lost his best friend.
Notes:
In honor of ao3 surviving The Great War and me being about 2/3 of the way through an absolute mental breakdown, here's another chapter. Some day soon I'm about to dump the last few chapters on you all in one go and call it a day because I cannot sit here with this being incomplete any longer.
Also PSA: James is being DUMB, Remus is being dumb, Regulus is being a little dumb too and Sirius is actually being very mature (you'll see... give him some credit guys), but have you NEVER made an absurdly stupid choice that absolutely did not make logical sense when you looked back on it?? I bet the answer is not NO. It's important to me that my characters are human, don't hate them for it. Give them the same amount of understanding you'd give someone you really knew who made a dumb mistake. It happens to the best of us.
Anyway, if you're wondering I did not forget this is a fame AU! I pulled the best most cliche little fame AU move in the book baby! Everyone say "fuck you Mere!"
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter 9
Notes:
yesterday I said I would post the last two chapters today and I think you'll find it's 11:49pm therefore still technically I delivered.
So a funny thing happened where it turns out I'm allergic toa certain brand of chemical used for acrylic nails and I found this out after it was on my fingernails, so my fingers are currently burning while I type this. I also got caught up in writing another jegulus AU spur of the moment, so I feel I have a good enough excuse for why it took me this long to get these last chapters up.
I'm tried I'll go back and double-check these chapters tomorrow so please forgive any mistakes!
Anyway, enjoy!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Reg!”
Regulus didn’t want to turn, he wanted to get home curl up in a ball, and sob until he was sick.
“Regulus, wait.”
A hand grabbed his arm and Regulus spun to face his brother. “Look, I’m leaving, Sirius,” he snapped. “I get it I’ll go, you don’t need to see me again.”
“No, don’t, wait.”
“Wait?” Regulus repeated incredulously. “Why?”
“Because I’m angry, I’m so fucking angry, but I can’t let you just leave, I can’t lose you again, Regulus.”
“Why? I slept with your best friend Sirius, I lied about it, I was meeting up with him before we even started talking again! You don’t want me to stay!”
“You don’t get to tell me what I want!” Sirius hissed. “Yeah, you fucked up, Regulus! You fucked up big time and I can barely stand to have this conversation right now, but you’re not disappearing, you’re not turning your back on me. I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth, do you hear me?”
“Fine,” Regulus bit out.
“Good,” Sirius stepped back his jaw clenched. “I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.”
Sirius turned without another word, leaving Regulus alone in the hallway.
--
James’s parents were staying at his apartment and the ride home was awkward, to say the least.
“So,” his mother said softly halfway through the drive, breaking the silence they’d been sitting in. “Regulus Black?”
“I know, I messed up—”
“I’m not trying to scold you, James,” she interrupted him. “It’s clear to me you already see and are facing the consequences of your actions. You’re an adult, it’s not my job to punish you anymore. Just tell me about it.”
James didn’t look away from the road, unable to look at her or his father who was sitting silently in the back, always more willing to let Effie take the lead when it came to heart-to-hearts.
“You see the Rhode Island sticker?” he asked.
“I do.”
“Regulus bought it for me,” he said softly. “He bought me one first sticker, and then he kept bringing me more. We were friends, I didn’t even mean for it to happen, but I guess I didn’t mean for it not to either. Then the day before I went on tour, he kissed me and then ran away before I could even say a word. He didn’t talk to me or respond to my texts, I thought that was that. Eventually, we made up but… in that time he went to Ohio, and even though we weren’t speaking he remembered that was one of the stickers I was missing, and he bought it for me. He went out of his way to buy something for a person he thought at the time, he might never really speak to again. I knew before then, probably from the beginning but it was after we’d… gotten involved that he handed me the sticker. That was when I knew Regulus was it for me. I can’t imagine some faceless man or woman anymore, I can’t picture anyone else when I think about getting married and settling down, all I can picture is him. I love him, I’m absurdly in love with him.”
His mother reached out to squeeze his shoulder. “But you left?”
“I thought it was the right thing to do. I knew I’d hurt him, but I thought he’d get hurt the least that way… I- I don’t know how I was supposed to choose between him and Sirius and now I’ve lost them both…”
“Don’t jump the gun,” his dad said simply and that was that. James didn’t respond, he wasn’t sure how to.
James reached out turning up the radio, determined not to think any more that night.
That backfired spectacularly.
“The brand-new single from Slytherin! Your newest and most heart-wrenching breakup song of the season, ‘Wish You Were Dead’, now on 102.7!”
James froze, noticing how his mother looked towards him, but he didn’t turn down the radio or change the station.
The opening notes played through the car, a slow building piano melody, accompanied only by the stray plucks of the bass. It was full of an ache from the first few bars, one James couldn’t explain, but knew well.
“Drop my keys on your kitchen counter
And I’m trying not to think that
This means something it doesn’t.
Everyone screams
And I’ve never been louder.
I don’t know how I thought that
It was something it wasn’t.”
It didn’t take more than the first line to realize, his heart stopping in his chest that this song was about him. Regulus had written a song about James? When? Was it after James had left or was it from before, back before their couple of days spent wrapped up in each other. The melody changed leading into the pre-chorus, the lines drawn out, swooping lower, building the tension.
“Like I’m still thirteen
And I could never be what you needed me to be.
And I could never learn to speak
But shit, I learned to lie.
You belong to someone else.
Someone I know I never was.
Feel it carving out my bones.
I need to tell you lies.”
Regulus’s voice was perfect, raspy and pleading, you could hear the pain in every word he sang, and all James could do was sit there and listen knowing he’d caused it. The chorus hit the full band coming in and James just clenched the wheel as he listened.
“Like I never gave a damn.
I’m not still thinking two a.m.
And when you cross my mind, it doesn’t make me sick.
Like I don’t wish I’d kept your letter
So I had something to be bitter over.
it doesn’t wake me in a cold sweat.
I’m over it.
It doesn’t sting
And I wish you were dead.”
--
James Potter of The Marauders and Slytherin’s lead singer Regulus Black outed in raunchy photos
[Comments 231]
Ryanr91: this is a publicity stunt
Elivismelvis: How would you know? Clearly it’s a private moment that was intruded on
Ryanr91: Celebs call the paparazzi on themselves all the time. look it up. Obviously they staged the pics for attention. Slytherin just put out an album
Karathomass: omg another win for us gays
Jigglypufff10087: are we sure that’s actually them???
Sara.h.m: it’s so obviously them, look that’s James’s truck, if you look on his Instagram it’s in a couple pics. It’s on Sirius’s page too.
____________________________________________
Trending:
James Potter and Regulus Black
300k Tweets
_____________________________________________
Allie (Remus’s Version) @tothemoonandbackandback
James Potter and Regulus Black dating was NOT on my bingo card for this year
Replies:
Rayna @Raynaonanotherone
No fucking way, ur kidding
|
Allie (Remus’s Version) @tothemoonandbackandback
Rayna I swear I’m not!! look at the pics https://www.tmz.com/2023/11/3/regulus-black-james-potter-outed-leaked-raunchy-photos/
|
Rayna @Raynaonanotherone
OH MY GOD.
Brandon <3 @505to101
Wait I’m sorry james potter got caught with regulus black? Why is no one talking about how that’s literally his best friend’s brother? And like we’ve never seen regulus and sirius talk about each other… they famously refuse to…
Trix (famous era) @imyourantithesisbby
Everyone is saying james and regulus are dating but I think we should calm down until they say something themselves. And stop sharing the pics guys it’s an invasion of privacy
Replies:
Peter girlie @mappingthemarauders
EXACTLY!! Like firstly fuck tmz secondly ppl need to stop assuming things
|
Trix (famous era) @imyourantithesisbby
Yes yes yes! And like people playing guessing games with their sexualities too… we don’t know and it’s not our business. They owe us nothing.
|
*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ @soyouthinkimpretty
Lmao I love that for the first time ever marauder and slytherin fans are united. A moment for the history books
Kaia @kaia2k19
Wait so when reg and james were insulting each other in the media was that some weird flirting game
Cas is fine @waydownwego22
Sorry to disappoint all the girlies who love to obsess over gay men but there’s no way regulus black is gay he’s dated so many women. He was with emma vanity for a long time.
Replies:
Sash @girlallllmighty
Ummm have u never heard of a beard? Ofc he wouldn’t wanna out himself
|
Cas is fine @waydownwego22
Sorry I don’t listen to people who ship one direction members
|
Sash @girlallllmighty
Kys
--
“How do you want to deal with this James? I’ve talked to Mary, and she says Regulus has fallen off the face of the earth, so for now their only move is staying quiet.”
“I know what to do,” James told Lily softly. He just needed to remember how to breathe first.
--
“Thanks for coming,” Sirius said stiffly nodding to Regulus and the awkwardness was strange. They’d just begun to push past the uncertain stage of their reconnection and now it was back, heavy and dense, hanging above their heads like a storm cloud.
Regulus stepped into Sirius’s apartment, and they stood there for a moment in complete silence. Now, Regulus wasn’t generally the type to blurt things out, usually he took care in choosing his words, never quick to speak. However, he was steadily realizing, he didn’t fare well in high-emotion situations.
“I fell in love with your best friend,” Regulus blurted out suddenly.
Sirius blinked and they stood there for another moment before the tension bled from his shoulders and he just swiveled, heading towards the kitchen.
Regulus followed, stopping to watch as Sirius pulled two mugs out of his cabinet and filled the kettle.
“I know,” he said eventually his back turned, Regulus didn’t say anything to that because he wasn’t sure there was any reply that wouldn’t immediately blow up the entire conversation. Sirius spun around to face Regulus, leaning back against the counter. “It was a bit hard to miss.”
“Yeah…” Regulus muttered. “Sorry I ruined your birthday.”
Sirius scoffed. “I don’t think you were solely responsible for that.” Regulus just nodded and after a pause his brother’s scowl lessened ever so slightly. “Sorry about the pictures, that’s gotta be shit.”
Regulus jerked his head up from the spot over Sirius’s shoulder he’d been watching so as not to meet his brother’s gaze. “You’re sorry?” He repeated disbelievingly. “Why?”
“Look,” Sirius sighed, “Don’t get me wrong, at first, I thought ‘well it serves them fucking right…’ but then Moony asked me how I’d feel if it’d been us and I didn’t get it because it’s different right? I mean Remus is the love of my fucking life. But he told me it’s not that different and even if it was, you don’t deserve to have your privacy violated… I’m trying to listen because I think we owe each other that. Not that I owe the kid who slept with my best friend anything but, the one who’s my brother. Unfortunately, Remus says neither of those things are mutually exclusive. I- I don’t know Regulus… I’ll admit I feel really fucking stupid, completely blindsided by the entire thing. Why would you even do this?”
“I didn’t do it to hurt you,” Regulus whispered. “I- if you think it was some way to get back at you or get your attention it wasn’t, it had nothing to do with you. I know it doesn’t really matter because it wound up hurting you anyway and I probably should have told you everything as soon as we reconnected.”
“So why didn’t you? Why? I would have been pissed but I’m a lot more pissed that this has been a secret for months and let me tell you when I found out Remus knew?” He laughed humorlessly. “Well, let’s just say I’m feeling a bit let down by the people in my life, and not just any people, the three who matter most to me.”
“Are you mad at Remus, because it really wasn’t his fault—”
“No, no,” Sirius rubbed at his temple. “I know, we’ve discussed it already, I’m not happy but I also understand why he did it, what he was thinking even if it was probably the stupidest decision he’s ever made. What I don’t understand is what you were thinking.”
“I was scared,” Regulus said abruptly. “That’s why I didn’t tell you. I- look James was always yours. You talked about him constantly the summer break after your first year at Hogwarts and I felt replaced, I wanted to hate him. I couldn’t… he was always yours but a little part of him felt like mine too, just for a little while of every day we’d play together and existed outside of everything else. Just us. He was one of the first friends I ever had, before even Evan and Barty. James felt like mine, but he wasn’t. You went and he went with you, and I was alone. I was alone for a long time… but then Barty and Evan followed me somehow, Andy and Ted always followed me, so I decided the problem was that I just wasn’t enough for you. Because if I was, you would have found me, and you didn’t. I know it was stupid because I didn’t try either, but as a teenager that’s what I thought. And then over a decade later I’m face-to-face with James Potter and at first, it was an accident, just by chance but then he kept coming back and I kept letting him. I wanted to fill some hole in myself that I never could as a child and suddenly one of the things I wanted was back, pushing his way into my life and I just… I wanted. We were friends Sirius, it’s not like we’ve been fucking behind your back for months or something. We were just friends and he always encouraged me about you, never pushed but was always quick to contradict me whenever I said anything about you not caring or not liking who I am now.”
“…James wanted you back in my life?”
“He didn’t orchestrate anything,” Regulus said quickly. “In fact, he was pretty careful not to bring you up unless I did first but… he told me before you called the first time.”
“He told you?” Sirius said slowly and Regulus could see the look in his eyes, how betrayed he felt by James’s actions.
“I would have hung up on you if he hadn’t,” Regulus said bluntly. “If I hadn’t had the time to mentally prepare myself, I would have hung up and we never would have come close to reconciling.”
Sirius didn’t seem to know how to respond to that and he just shook his head looking so pained and conflicted it filled Regulus with guilt. “I- I don’t know how to feel, Regulus. To think James was doing that, it feels like a betrayal from him, from you. I’m glad I got you back and I’m not willing to give that up, but I also don’t know where to go from here. This never should have happened in the first place, and I get it wasn’t about me that apparently the two of you were swept up in some intense relationship, but nothing was out of your hands. You could have stopped it.”
“I didn’t want to,” Regulus said because the only thing he could offer was honesty. “I was scared, and I wanted him almost more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my fucking life Sirius. So, I could have stopped, I could have controlled myself even though it would have been incredibly hard, but I didn’t want to.”
“It was you James took to the farm, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, okay,” he said tightly. Sirius paused seeming to remember he hadn’t actually started the kettle and reached out placing it on the stove and lighting the burner with a click. For a second, he just watched the fire, the only sound the quiet hum of the flame. “You know I think I’ll be able to forgive you Regulus,” Sirius said quietly, “but I don’t know if I can forgive James. Isn’t that crazy? If someone had told me that a year ago, I would have laughed but… here we are.”
“I think you should talk to him too, if you’re willing to have this conversation with me you should offer James the same.”
“You’re my brother.”
“And is he not just as important to you?”
“I- why are you defending him? I heard you yesterday, he ended things, didn’t he?”
“Yes,” Regulus swallowed, his throat tight. “I’m not defending him, but what he did to me isn’t your problem, we both handled things badly and the fact that he broke my heart in the process is between the two of us, not you and James. I’m not saying forgive him, I’m saying don’t just turn your back, he’s your best friend Sirius, beyond that even. The two of you are just so linked together I’ve never been able to understand it. By not even having a conversation you’re not just hurting James, you’re hurting yourself. What about your band, your life? I’m not saying forgive him, I’m saying don’t make any decisions yet, don’t just cut him out of your life because you will regret it. I can see it perfectly Sirius, you adore James Potter, you share parents for fucks sake. You don’t really want to lose that even as angry as you are and if you do, you’ll resent me for it. I know you will, and all this work we’re trying to do to keep a relationship between us will be for nothing.”
“I… I know you’re probably right, but I don’t know how to get past this we’ve never had something like this before, we don’t fight. I don’t know how to handle it.”
“Really?” Regulus said unconvinced. “You’ve never had a fight,”
Sirius paused. “Well, okay that’s not true. Something happened at Hogwarts once, we didn’t talk for the end of the year and half the summer but… that was different. It was entirely my fault, I fucked up, I accidentally outed Remus’s illness to everyone in the name of a stupid prank. James was right to stick with Remus, to stay on his side. I’d fucked up, I deserved it. This is different James… he’s never let me down before, he’s not like me.”
“Isn’t he? He’s human Sirius,”
“I know, but he’s better! He’s always been so good and just so… right. Everything he does is to help people, I’ve never known a kinder warmer person. I know he’s human, I know that things get to him sometimes and he pretends they don’t. I know he’s spent years taking care of all of us. But I- I never expected this.”
“Even good people can do bad things,” Regulus said softly. “That’s what Andy always tells me, that we have to hold everybody to realistic standards. To hold ourselves to them. I thought it was stupid for a long time because I knew I was worse, like it was in out blood as Blacks. But she told me time and time again that way you react to a situation isn’t always a marker for the type of person you are. You can get caught up in the moment, not think things through, but what’s important is how you react afterwards. How you make up for it and treat the people around you. Taking accountability is important, even if it can’t erase what you’ve done. I know I fucked up Sirius, I know I’m not and haven’t always been the best person but I’m trying, aren’t I? And that’s why you’re even hearing me out.”
“I haven’t heard from James, I haven’t seen any accountability,” Sirius said flatly. “It’s not like I want to lose him, it’s not like I want to be unable to forgive him, but I feel so let down. And it’s not even that he got with you which I admit I am not happy about but… I know him, I know how hard and fast he falls, and I know he’s always had a soft spot for you, even when I still hated your guts. I know he’s clearly head over heels for you and that you’re probably what he was looking for. That he’d marry you in an instant and shower you with love every minute of every day, and it’d be what you deserve. But he fucked up, he left you, he lied to me, he kept secrets, and went behind my back. That’s the part I can’t handle. I’d try, I’d really try to hear him out but I’m not going out of my way, he has to make that leap.”
“That’s fair.”
Regulus said quietly and for a moment they stood there everything simply sitting there between them. The kettle started to whistle, and Sirius quick switched off the stove, pouring the water into the mugs he’d taken out.
“Tea,” Sirius gestured to the mugs as if Regulus didn’t know what it was, but he just nodded, seeing the offering, the chance. Regulus accepted the mug, and they didn’t talk again, but for the moment, that was okay.
--
Regulus Black @regulusblack
Recently some pictures were taken and leaked without my knowledge or consent. I am gay. This is something that’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with. My sexuality is not and has never been anyone’s business and it’s wrong that I’m now being forced to speak on it before I’m ready. I understand that my career puts me in the public eye and there’s a certain expectation of publicity. However, I am a person far beyond the parts of me the world gets to have, and no one is entitled to know anything about me or my personal life. My relationships, regardless of what they may or may not be, are not anyone’s business but mine, and I will not be addressing or discussing this any further. I am thankful for everyone who has shown their support and love in this time.
Replies:
Stream antithesis @carriemedowntheriver
We love you Regulus! I’m so sorry this happened to you, it isn’t fair and we support you no matter what. Sending love from France!
@user126880076
So r u dating james potter or what
|
Sara @smyers2002
Did you read any of what reg just said??
|
Stream antithesis @carriemedowntheriver
Yeah it’s not your business user126880076
|
Sara @smyers2002
Jesus it’s always the ones with a randomly generated user and no dn or pfp.
Izzy saw the marauders in London @iilosetrackofnightii
Why hasn’t James said anything yet?? Like before y’all attack me I get it’s not our business but it’s kinda strange only one of them made a statement
Steve @stevenxlangford
Omg but what if James has been secretly married to regulus this whole time??
|
@ronald-xtrsm
Regulus has had girlfriends
|
Steve @stevenxlangford
Yes and he literally just came out as gay? Your point???
|
@ronald-xtrsm
That doesn’t mean he didn’t actually date them? He said in his post he said took a long time to come to terms w it. I’m gay and I dated a few girls. He couldn’t have been w james that long
|
Stream antithesis @carriemedowntheriver
Omg these rumors about James’s secret relationship/marriage have always been ridiculous. He probably just likes to keep things private which is his right. he doesn’t need to make a statement.
[Replies have now been limited on this post. People @regulusblack mentioned can reply]
James Potter Updates @james.potter.updates
James Potter has just uploaded a video to his social media, this is the first we’ve seen of him since photos were leaked with him and the Slytherin member Regulus Black.
--
If you think you know me I think you don’t.
Hold on long enough to breathe in the smoke.
Maybe I don’t want the things I thought,
Maybe along the lines context got lost.
You can guess and play your games
I’ve always been fine giving pieces away.
But I swear I’m not giving anymore
I gave until I was walking out the door
And I miss it tearing through my bones
Like he might smile and I might know
That all of this was made for something
That none of this is your fucking business
Don’t let me bleed don’t close the wound
I’d die for you I’d let it go
I watch you sleep in the morning glow
If only I knew how to let this go
Teach me the art of letting go
Tell me who my songs are about
But you didn’t see the way things went down
Mistakes slipping through my fingers like sand
I said I’ll call when I land
But the call never came and the ink dried quick
Everyone thinks they know all our bits
Pull and scrape one piece at a time
But they never rode the storm in his eyes
Don’t let me bleed don’t close the wound
I’d die for you I’d let it go
I watch you sleep in the morning glow
If only I knew how to let this go
Teach me the art of letting go
But I’m not quite ready
I’m never quite ready
I’ll never manage
To let this go
Are you ready
Could I call you baby
Or are you quite ready
To let this go
--
“I think Potter wrote a song about you.”
Regulus turned. “Huh? Don’t be stupid.”
Evan leaned over Barty’s shoulder grabbing one of his earbuds to listen to whatever was playing on his boyfriend’s phone. A minute later he scoffed and handed the earbud back. “Barty is always stupid, he can’t help it, but in this case he’s right. That’s definitely about you.”
“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell us you were fucking him,” Barty complained.
“Because I knew you’d all be insufferable about it.”
“Listen to the song Regulus,” Evan cut in and it was a mark of how serious Evan seemed to find this that he stopped the argument. “It’s on all his socials,”
Regulus sighed but put in his earbuds pulling up James’s twitter since the app was already open, there at the top of his page was a video. It wasn’t very high quality, seemingly filmed on his phone. James was sitting crossed legged on the floor, Regulus recognized the bedroom in his apartment. He thought how strange it was the millions of people were seeing the same room Regulus had woken up next to James in. The video was just James in the dim light of his bedroom with an acoustic guitar. He plucked the strings softly, voice raspy.
The things was, Regulus held it together, he didn’t move didn’t flinch. He knew his friends were watching him, waiting to see how he’d react. He really thought he’d done it until the closing chorus hit.
“Don’t let me bleed don’t close the wound
I’d die for you I’d let it go
I watch you sleep in the morning glow
If only I knew how to let this go
Teach me the art of letting go.”
James sung softly, he took a deep breath, and it was as he seemed to force out the last part that Regulus felt himself choke.
“I’m not ashamed I’ll never be
I’d scream it for the whole world to see
I’d stay forever if you let me
There’s no one else I picture in my dream
If letting go isn’t something you need.
Regulus had put out a statement, he’d come out, James hadn’t. James hadn’t said a word, even though the last time they’d talked, James had said he loved Regulus. Loved him… for a moment Regulus had believed it, the belief had quickly faded. No, of course James was ashamed of being caught with Regulus, of course it was fine when it was a secret, but he never would have been proud of him. James couldn’t have ever looked at Regulus and seen that future he wanted so badly? There was no chance of it ever happening.
Now Regulus, wasn’t completely sure. He’d spent the past few months pretending not to be heartbroken, but he was. Somehow Regulus Black, unshakable, untouchable and apathetic, had been shaken. James Potter had burrowed his way under Regulus’s skin, and he didn’t know how to get him out. It hurt, it really fucking hurt to be left behind, tossed aside so easily.
But maybe, the tiniest bit of hope lived in somewhere in his chest at the last line. Maybe James really did want him, and this was his way of showing it.
“So?” Barty asked imploringly.
Regulus swallowed hard. “So nothing, it doesn’t change anything,” he said resolutely.
Evan shared a look with Barty and Regulus knew they were going to push him on the topic, so he stood, abruptly leaving. He ignored the sound of their hushed conversation that began as soon as they thought him out of earshot.
Regulus would get James out of his veins, even if he had to cut him out.
--
James wasn’t sure how long stood outside Sirius’s door. He’d sent a text a week earlier about meeting, and Sirius had responded with a simple “fine”, but still, had miraculously agreed.
It took just about everything in James to raise his hand to the door and knock. The moment after was even worse than the build-up, as he stood in silence, his breath caught in his throat. There was no sound for a long moment until suddenly James heard footsteps and the door to Sirius’s apartment was thrown open.
They stood there, blinking at each other before Sirius stepped back, letting James step inside.
“So—” James began voice thick as Sirius shut the door behind them.
“No,” Sirius swiftly cut him off. “I talk first, you listen.”
James quickly clamped his mouth shut as Sirius crossed his arms eyes blazing.
“You let me down. You lied to me and betrayed my trust and on top of that I find out because you’re making my baby brother cry on my birthday! I don’t get it. I don’t get why you didn’t just tell me from the beginning. I don’t get why you let it get this far. Why couldn’t you trust me? Have I ever given you a reason not to?” Sirius’s voice cracked at the end of his sentence and James felt bile rising in his throat at the emotion in his friend’s voice.
“No, no,” James said quickly. “It’s not about trust Sirius. Of course, I trust you. I trust you with my life, it wasn’t about that. I didn’t want to hurt you—”
“But you did!” Sirius’s face was twisted in pain and James instantly fell silent. “You did,” Sirius repeated, this time quieter. “You knew James. I would confide in you when Regulus stopped speaking. I told you how scared I was that I’d lose him. You sat with me and comforted me all those nights I cried after I left. You were there, you knew what he meant to me. And did you think I’d never realized? That I didn’t see you always had a soft spot for him? I knew you practiced together in school; I knew you didn’t turn off the TV or the radio if his music came on. I’m not an idiot James but never once, not ever did I think you would do this. Because falling in love with him? Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. It’s how you reacted that did. You didn’t just hurt me, you broke Regulus’s heart!”
“I know,” James wallowed his voice thick. “I know. I- I got so caught and in the mess I’d made so so scared that I’d lose everything and mostly that Regulus would lose everything that I just cut him off entirely. I should have told you as soon as Remus found out, I should have talked things over with Regulus and in retrospect it makes so much sense. It seems so obvious, but it didn’t feel obvious at the time, Sirius. All I could think was that I was ruining the relationship between the two of you. I couldn’t let that happen and I figured even if Reg hated me for it, it’d be worth it because at least he’d get to keep you.”
“That’s fucking stupid,” Sirius said flatly. “You are all so dumb, oh my god even Remus,” He threw his hands in the air scoffing. “Do you think that little of me James? Do you think I’d just drive off Regulus again? I love him and now that I know him, now that I realize he’s nothing like our parents I’d never let him go again.”
James blinked, flushing with shame. “I- I just thought… it was too delicate; you were so early in repairing your relationship—"
“Yeah, and I might have taken a little longer to go after him if you’d told me earlier, but I would have eventually. Then it wouldn’t have had to happen like this. But you were an idiot and now here we are.”
I don’t expect you to forgive me,” James whispered. “Honestly, I didn’t even think you’d hear me out.”
“I only did it for Regulus,” Sirius said, his mouth in a thin line. “Something he said reminded me of what happened with Remus and the prank when we were in school. You’re not the first person to fuck up big time. I imagine you must have felt the same way I do now back then. So, I have some empathy for you, but I also thought you were better than that, James.”
James laughed bitterly at that. “Yeah,” he muttered. “So did I. I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
It wasn’t forgiveness or acceptance. But it wasn’t a punch to the face either which was frankly what James had expected.
“You need to talk to Reggie,” Sirius said after a heavy stretch of silence.
“I tried to text him he never responded,” James admitted his voice small.
Sirius’s eyebrows shot up. “Really? When?”
“Like the day after your birthday.”
“No. I saw him a few days after that,” Sirius frowned. “He definitely did seem to have heard from you. If you texted him, I don’t think he got it.”
And suddenly James’s stomach dropped.
He’d spent the past two weeks losing his fucking mind. He thought Regulus was done for good, he’d put out the song as a last-ditch effort after trying to text Regulus and hearing nothing.
Oh god, had Regulus never even gotten it?
James pulled his phone out of his pocket, fumbling through his texts until he found Regulus’s name.
James:
I understand if you don’t want to hear from me and if you’re done then I will never try to text you again. you can just ignore this but I need you to know that I do mean it. I’m in love with you.
I know I fucked up big time. I don’t have any excuses for myself. I’m just sorry.
I thought I was doing the right thing. Somehow the thought that I’d be able to hurt you that much didn’t even cross my mind. Maybe I’m an idiot but I thought it’d be easy for you to get over me.
Maybe I was wrong.
But I’m in love with you. Crazy, disgustingly in love.
I’m not expecting you to forgive me or even want to talk. But if you’re willing please lmk.
I just can’t let you go without telling you how much you mean. I have to try.
And then there, next to his text was a red exclamation mark and underneath: message not delivered.
“Shit, shit, shit.”
He’d been on his way to the farm when he sent it. Stopped at the same rest stop he’d sat with Regulus at out in the middle of nowhere. He’d instantly turned his phone off and shoved it in the glove compartment after hitting send in a bout of nerves and hadn’t looked at it again.
It hadn’t fucking sent.
Oh god, James was an idiot.
“James?” Sirius questioned and James took a deep breath pinching the bridge of his nose.
“It didn’t send,” James said flatly.
“Go.”
James’s eyes flew open to look at Sirius. “Huh?”
“Go. Go find Regulus right now. Talk to him face to face because he thinks you didn’t even try to reach out to him. You didn’t address any of the rumors directly, you didn’t decide to come out or anything. He probably thinks you don’t want to fix things. So, if you do, go find him right now.”
“You want me to chase after your brother?” James asked incredulously.
“You already slept with him,” Sirius scoffed. “If you love him, you’ll find him and keep him for the rest of your fucking life. Do you understand?”
“I’d marry him,” James said thickly. “I’d give him anything.”
“You better,” Sirius said threateningly.
“He’s in London for press,” James said, and Sirius didn’t mention the fact that James was keeping up with Regulus so closely.
“Well, Prongs, then you better get your passport, huh?”
—
Regulus’s phone was ringing. He groaned reaching his arm across the large bed in search of it.
Ted always said not to keep his phone on his bed at night, something about it causing cancer but Regulus never listened. Cancer was honestly the least of his worries.
“Hello?” Regulus answered blearily, not even bothering to check the caller ID. Very few people had his personal number, so he assumed it was Mary or maybe one of his band mates.
“Hey, Regulus, it’s Remus.”
Regulus sat up instantly with a frown. “Is everything okay? Is Sirius okay?”
“Yea, yes,” Remus said quickly. “Sorry it’s not an emergency. I didn’t wake you, did I? I know you’re in London and it’s early there, but I wanted to catch you before I went to bed.”
“You did.” Regulus sighed. “But it’s fine my alarm was about to go off in…” he glanced towards the clock. “Eleven minutes.”
“Oh, sorry about that. I uh… well, I just wanted to apologize to you, Regulus.”
“Apologize?” Regulus repeated, rubbing at his tired eyes.
“Yes, look… I don’t know you very well and when I found out about you and James… I was only really thinking about Sirius. I- honestly it took us about a decade to get together and every day I’m still terrified that it’ll go wrong. So, I didn’t consider your feelings or James’s feelings, all I was thinking about was how to minimize the fallout when it came to Sirius and that wasn’t fair of me. I was seeing things as if they were black and white. Like you and James were just having sex behind Sirius’s back when it wasn’t that simple and there’s no easy villain to put the blame on.”
“No, no,” Regulus swallowed. “You got caught up in our mistake I don’t blame you for your reaction. It wasn’t your responsibility to think about my feelings—”
“But I should have. You know that’s Sirius was the angriest about? Not that I kept it a secret from him but that I didn’t even think about you… and he’s right. Honestly, I think he’s a little shocked that for the first time he being the only clear-headed, mature one.” Remus let out a small laugh and Regulus could hear his fondness for Sirius even over the tinny phone speakers. “Anyway, I’m sorry. I regret how I acted, and I guess I didn’t get it before… how deeply you cared for James. You seem so different from the outside and I’ve realized that the person you project isn’t entirely you. So, I owe you an apology and if I could do it differently I would.”
“Thank you,” Regulus said softly. “I’m sorry too, I didn’t want you to be in that situation. I should have come out and said something to Sirius far sooner. I think… none of us handled it well. I don’t even know how it came to that and then everything just blew up and… and I’m sorry.”
“Thank you, I’m not upset with you, Regulus. I know how stupid falling in love makes a person. But I appreciate the apology.”
“For what it’s worth, Remus,” Regulus began slowly. “I like you and I don’t think there’s anybody more perfect for my brother.”
“It’s worth a lot,” Remus said softly. “I like you too, I think Sirius is a little upset by the prospect that we actually might get along very well.”
“He’s possessive,” Regulus rolled his eyes. “But you’re smart, which is rare when it comes to people who choose to put up with my brother.”
Remus laughed. “I have my moments, recently not so much but… I have a strange feeling this will all work out eventually.”
“I… do not have that feeling,” Regulus muttered.
There was a moment of silence on the other side of the line while Remus seemed to be considering his words. “James loves you,” he said after a long minute.
“Maybe,” Regulus swallowed. “I- I thought, for a moment there but—” To his horror, Regulus’s voice cracked, and he broke off suddenly.
“He does. I knew that even before I knew who it was he was talking to. I knew he’d found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.”
“I haven’t heard from him.” Regulus said stiffly. “That doesn’t sound like love to me and… I know I could have reached out too but I can’t just blindly put my heart in his hands again. So maybe things will work out, but I don’t think it will for the two of us.”
“I suppose we’ll see,” Remus said simply and Regulus didn’t like the fact that Remus sounded like he knew something Regulus didn’t.
—
Regulus hated many things; this was a secret to no one. But at the top of his list was press.
He liked making music, he liked performing it. He absolutely despised talking about it.
“Regulus, Regulus! What do you have to say about your relationship with James Potter!”
“Did you and James break up?”
“Black! Look over here!”
“Is James Potter gay?”
“What’s going on with your brother?”
Regulus simply kept his head down as Pandora grabbed his wrist, he was used to the paparazzi and invasive questions even if the ones about James did manage to hit something soft and weak in his chest.
“Regulus! Are you and James Potter married?”
Barty who was a few steps behind Regulus turned and he heard Mary curse from the back. “Crouch, don’t you fucking dare!”
But it was already too late.
“You know what’s way more interesting than boring Regulus?” Barty asked the swarm of paparazzi. “Me! And want to know something actually worth a damn? I am in love with Evan Rosier! Thank you and goodnight!”
Mary grabbed him by the arm, cursing as she dragged them into the building. The door shut hiding them away from the public.
“Barty! What the hell?”
“You’re in love with me?” Evan asked, his eyes wide, starstruck as he looked to his boyfriend.
“No,” Barty said instantly, probably instinctive at this point. He paused. “Maybe.”
“Oh, cool,” Evan said dumbly.
“Cool?” Regulus repeated. “Dear fucking god, the two of you are going to age me ten years. “You’re in love with each other, everyone knows it, now the whole world knows it.”
“Yeah…” Evan said breathlessly, and he was smiling. Barty was looking at him like nothing else mattered.
Regulus just shook his head, exchanging a glance with Pandora.
“Let’s… just leave them to it,” Mary muttered. “We have a little bit of time before the interview.”
Pandora and Regulus quickly followed her, having been scarred by Barty and Evan enough times to know it was best to keep their distance for a little while.
After that, the rest of the day was at least slightly more bearable as people were a little less concerned with Regulus and more interested in prying into Barty and Evan’s business.
Well, mostly.
“So, Regulus,” the interviewer said, her smile unnaturally white as she blinked at him. “You’re credited as the sole writer on your newest hit ‘Wish You Were Dead’. What can you tell us about that song? What’s it about?”
“Wishing someone was dead,” Regulus said flatly.
“Really?” The interviewer said, and honestly, Regulus respected the fact that she maintained her enthusiasm. “It’s a pretty heartbreaking song isn’t it, about a breakup maybe?”
“Maybe,” Regulus shrugged.
“So where did your inspiration come from?”
“I normally just write. Things come out.”
“So… would you say you draw inspiration from your own life?”
“I just write,” Regulus repeated, and Pandora thankfully had enough sense to jump in to discuss her part in the song, and the interviewer was spared trying to pull anything else out of Regulus.
Somehow, they made it through the interview, and the cameras were turned off allowing Regulus to breathe again. Mary was there a second later, chatting with the interviewer and a man in a nice suit who Regulus figured must have been important. Regulus didn’t really care who he was, just shook hands as needed.
“Macdonald,” Mary turned to the security who was at her shoulder with a frown. “There’s someone here, says he needs to see Mr. Black.”
“Who?” Mary sighed because there was always somebody who thought Regulus or any of the other band members owed them their time.
“Uh, James Potter?”
“Yeah, sorry.” Regulus spun. There he was, hair messy as ever, glasses crooked on his nose. James shrugged sheepishly as Regulus froze and the bodyguard straightened in horror. “In my defense, you probably shouldn’t have left me out there, your partner is not very attentive,” he told the guard.
The bodyguard straightened but Regulus put a hand out before he could do anything. “What the fuck are you doing here, James?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Well,” James said, “I just flew ten hours to get here, so that would be a shame.”
“Yeah, it is a real fucking shame. I have nothing to say to you, go away.”
Regulus expected James to begin arguing but instead, he stood there, steady. “I tried to text you, days after Sirius’s party. I thought you didn’t respond but it turns out it didn’t send. Regulus, Regulus, please I have so much to say to you.”
Regulus scoffed but James was looking at him like he was the only fucking thing in existence and really, it’d been established that Regulus was a weak man.
“Fine, but we’re not doing this here.”
He hoped Mary would pay the stupid interviewer to keep her big mouth shut.
James didn’t try to make conversation on the car ride back to the hotel. He just sat there, and Regulus pretended he didn’t know that James was watching him. When Regulus had shut them safely in his room, shutting the door with a click, he finally turned to James.
“So?” Regulus demanded.
“I’m sorry.”
Regulus’s face twisted in a scowl, but he didn’t cut James off and after a second the other man seemed to think it safe to continue.
“I’m sorry,” James said again, softer. “I messed up. I- I thought I was doing the right thing and that you’d just find someone else and move on, no harm no foul. And obviously, I knew it’d hurt you, but I thought it would hurt the least. I thought it was the only way you could keep Sirius and that the two of you were more important than us. I was being stupid. I realize that now. Not only did I hurt you anyway, but I was discrediting Sirius. I shouldn’t have kept secrets to begin with and I should have communicated with you. I guess, the truth is you were right, I am… heavy. I carry the weight of everyone else’s things and I don’t trust anyone with mine and then you…” James trailed off swallowing. “You just saw me. You reached in and saw me, and you knew that I carried too much, but I still felt like… like I had to sacrifice. Like if I was the one giving something up that would make it better.”
Regulus opened his mouth. “James—”
“No, please, Reg, can you let me finish?”
Regulus obeyed, swallowing down his words and James continued.
“I don’t think I have or ever will love anyone like I love you. Regulus, I want a life with you. I want to have you now and every day for the rest of our lives. I want to marry you one day. I thought, I thought if I gave you up it’d make all the other bad things I did right… because I want you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything, and I was willing to go against everything I thought I believed in to have you and that scared me. I’m scared of who I might become for you, that I’d do anything you wanted. So, the truth is, maybe I took the chance to end things because I thought it could spare either of us from getting hurt any further, but I was wrong. I messed up, and I hurt you and I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me and I can’t beg you to take me back but at the very least I need you to know that I’m head over heels in love with you.”
Regulus didn’t know how to find words for a long time after James had finished talking, but somehow, James just waited. He stood there giving Regulus a moment to collect himself.
“You broke my heart James… I- I gave you a chance. I’ve never given anyone a chance and one day you’re saying I’m somebody to you, and then the next you’re leaving. I can’t blame you entirely for our communication because you had no idea how I felt either but… but I was ready James. I’d do it all, fade away into obscurity, become a footnote on a Wikipedia page, ditch the world and never put out another song. Do you understand that? I was willing to give you everything and you left me. I’ve never wanted to give someone that much of myself before.”
“I know,” James whispered.
“Then what? What do we do from here?
“Then let me love you.”
“I already did.”
“Let me love you again. I’ll do it right this time. I’ll be so, so careful with you. Please, Regulus, please.”
“I thought you weren’t going to beg,” Regulus said hoarsely, as James took a step forward and then another.
They were in each other’s space now and Regulus licked his lips, his mouth dry as he looked up at James.
“I changed my mind,” James said in a quiet breath. The world was still around them. “I’ll love you so good.”
“So good,” Regulus repeated shaking his head. “Shut up.” But he was rising onto his toes as James came even closer.
“Let me?” James whispered practically into Regulus’s mouth and god, Regulus was a weak man.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” James pulled back suddenly like he hadn’t really expected that. “Really?”
“Yes. I- I’m in love with you, by the way.”
James’s expression broke into an adoring grin. “Really?” he asked hopefully, a little breathless as he stared dazedly down at Regulus.
“Yes, now shut the fuck up and kiss me or I’m taking it back.”
James wasted no time grabbing Regulus by the jaw and kissing him so hard he was sure the world was about to explode around them. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” James whispered into Regulus’s mouth. “We’re gonna be amazing at communicating this time.”
Regulus couldn’t help but laugh at that even as James was pushing him onto the bed and climbing on top of him.
“Wait, Sirius?” Regulus questioned, stopping James just as the other man got his hands under Regulus’s shirt.
“I talked to him, he told me to come here. He’s still pissed, and probably will be for a long time but… but I think we’ll be alright. What about you and Sirius?”
“We’re… trying,” Regulus said, and he watched James’s expression soften, lips parting.
“Good,” James whispered, and then he was making quick work of removing Regulus’s shirt, and not much else mattered but the burn of their skin.
Funnily, Regulus realized that maybe Remus had been right.
Things were going to work out.
Notes:
next chapter is also up right now!
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter 10: epilogue
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus was warned about a lot of things when he first signed his record deal. The drugs, the parties, the lack of privacy. The eyes, the press; vultures always watching for any story or sign of weakness.
What he wasn’t warned about, was James fucking Potter.
James, who was making eyes at Regulus from a few rows down as if they weren’t currently surrounded by thousands of eyes. Not to mention that the stupid event was on national television. Too many people were watching, and James was staring at him.
Regulus narrowed his eyes in what he hoped conveyed cut it out, but James just smiled, looking almost starstruck.
“Tell your boyfriend he looks like an idiot,” Barty leaned forward to whisper in Regulus’s year.
“Evan, tell your boyfriend to mind his business,” Regulus turned to his friend.
“Barty, heel,” Evan said absently, and Barty scowled.
“I’m not a dog,” he scoffed leaning over Regulus to argue.
Regulus grimaced. “Get off me Barty, we’re switching seats, god.”
“No, those are your assigned seats—” Mary started but broke off as they quickly switch anyway.
Barty and Evan resumed their arguing, Mary looked like she was two seconds from quitting and Pandora smiled angelically, looking entirely unbothered. Dorcas patted Pandora on the shoulder as she watched their exchanges.
“You lot drive me wild,” She muttered. Regulus ignored her.
“Tell your girlfriend to tell my boyfriend to stop being weird,” Regulus said to Mary who just shook her head.
“No, why don’t you just tell your boyfriend and skip the middleman?” Mary sighed.
“You’re in charge?”
“I don’t get paid enough for this,” she muttered but pulled out her phone anyway.
A second later Regulus watched Lily look up and swat James over the head.
James looked back at Regulus one last time before turning away. Regulus felt his own phone buzz and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling at the text.
James:
u look pretty.
so, so pretty ohmygod
i want to eat you
Regulus:
Maybe later
Regulus looked up to watch James practically choke, and he was unable to fully contain his laughter at the sight. Sirius leaned over to see what James was freaking out before instantly making a horrified face and swatting James’s phone away.
Thankfully, the show started before anyone was forced to witness a fist fight between the two and Regulus put on his best unbothered face as he knew the cameras would be on the crowd.
Regulus kept flashing back to over a year earlier when he’d first played “Antithesis” for the first time at an award show, knowing his brother was somewhere in the crowd but today, he’d sat on Sirius’s counter while his brother did his eyeliner for him.
“If you beat us for album of the year, I’ll be happy for you,” Sirius had whispered like it was a secret between them. “You deserve it.”
“So do you,” Regulus said, opening his eyes as Sirius pulled back to admire the makeup he’d done.
Sirius had smiled. “I’m really proud of you, Reggie.” Regulus might have teared up just a little at that and Sirius had yelled at him for messing up his eyeliner.
So as the finale of the night came, and album of the year was about to be announced. Regulus didn’t feel his heart beating overtime in his chest. Sure, he hoped they’d win, but he’d be just as happy if The Marauders did as well. Whatever happened, Regulus was at peace with it.
God, Regulus? At peace? It didn’t sound real, but here they were.
“…and the Grammy goes too…”
Of course, the announcer drew out the last word unnecessarily and Regulus forced himself not to scoff since he knew he was on camera as they showcased the nominees.
“Antithesis, Slytherin!”
For a second, Regulus didn’t react then Pandora was pulling him into a hug and holy shit… they’d won?
Regulus didn’t even know how they made it onto the stage, Dorcas had his hand in a death grip and even Evan had a smile on his face as they made their way up the stairs and Barty threw one arm around Regulus and another around Evan.
“I want to thank my boyfriend!” Barty made a beeline for the mic before the award had even been handed over. “Evan Rosier, I love you.” The crowd laughed and Barty threw a wink Evan’s way, who just sighed. “That aside, Reg… I think you should do the honors, this album was really your vision and heartbreak after all.”
Regulus shook his head, but Pandora was already pushing him forward and he sighed as he was forced in front of the mic.
“Uh, this is my least favorite part,” Regulus said, blinking in the blinding heat of the stage lights. “Making music is easy, talking about it is hard.” He scanned through the crowd not stopping until he found Sirius’s face. “But uh- I have a lot of people to thank. Firstly, to everyone who worked on this album with us, but most of all to Dorcas, our producer,” Regulus glanced behind him to smile faintly at his friend. “Dorcas, your ability to take our vision and turn it into something tangible is unmatched… thank you to everyone on our team and behind the scenes. Thank you, to all of our families who have supported us, especially mine which I’m a little biased towards. To the people who took me and in raised me, Ted and Andy, my little sister Dora and most of all… my brother, Sirius.”
Even though Regulus could barely make out his brother’s face in the bright lights, he could practically sense the way Sirius’s eyes widened.
“I wrote the title track “Antithesis” about Sirius. About losing him, and here we are today, and somehow… Sirius, I got you back, and I couldn’t be happier. The Marauders are incredible, I would have been happy to lose this award to you. And I’m not just saying that because one of the members happens to be my brother and the other the love of my life… Which I guess brings me to James, um… I don’t think there are any words I have for you that I need to say in front of the world, you already have them all…” Regulus trailed off, mouth curving in a small smile. “And frankly, the leaked pictures of us with your hands up my shirt were really more than enough for the world, so I’ll keep it between us. But you know how I feel. That’s all.”
As Regulus stepped back so his bandmates could thank their families as well, Regulus knew this was about to be every fucking headline the next day, but he couldn’t have cared less.
When they were finally kicked off the stage and ushered back to their seats, Regulus stopped halfway down the aisle before turning and heading in the opposite direction. Sirius was already standing when Regulus got there, pulling him into a tight hug.
“I’m so, so proud of you,” Sirius whispered as they pulled apart and Regulus was smiling.
He wondered if somewhere their parents were watching. He hoped they were so that they could see how thoroughly they’d failed to destroy them.
Regulus caught James’s eye over Sirius's shoulder and Sirius sighed dramatically but stepped back anyway.
James wasted no time throwing his arms around Regulus and hugging him so tightly he lifted him off the ground. He put Regulus down, breathlessly, pulling back to cup Regulus’s jaw.
“Fucking amazing,” James said in awe. “You’re amazing, you’re incredible, you are so hot and gorgeous. I’m the luckiest man in the world.”
Regulus shook his head, rolling his eyes as if James were infuriating, but he let the other man kiss the scowl off his face, quick and sweet but undeniable.
There were cameras on them, and this was probably already on the internet but Regulus could not give two fucks who saw him kissing James Potter. Because they didn’t know what it was like to wake up next to him. They hadn’t been there when James had kissed him in the shower that morning until the water ran cold.
Nobody else got to hear the things James whispered to Regulus when no one else was around. Promises and declarations of love. They didn’t know it’d taken James and Regulus a while to get there, that James and Sirius were just beginning to heal their relationship fully. They didn’t know that sometimes communicating was hard and Regulus would sleep on the couch until James came out and talked him down. They didn’t know that sometimes James yelled or cried, and that Regulus hadn’t always been able to tamp down the sliver of doubt every time James said I love you… but he was starting to.
He believed James when he said it now. He’d stopped waiting for it to end.
They didn’t know that Regulus had a ring ready, hidden away in a drawer because he was a little bit vindictive and knew that as soon as he had even an inkling that James was going to propose, Regulus was going to do it first. He didn’t know when that day would come, but it didn’t really feel like an if these days and more of a when.
They didn’t know about messy James, who did farm work or the James who laughed so hard he’d nearly pee himself. They didn’t know the doubtful heavy James who’d nearly driven Regulus away for good.
It wasn’t easy, relationships weren’t usually. It took a little bit of work, but just like with music, Regulus found he didn’t mind putting in the effort for something he loved. James was human, and he was an absolute idiot sometimes, but Regulus loved him anyway. He loved the bad parts because even the mistakes he’d made, all added up to make James Potter, and Regulus loved James Potter.
It wasn’t just the end, happily ever after.
Life would keep chugging along and Regulus and James would keep choosing each other. Fifteen years from now Regulus would look back and realize Remus had been right.
Some things, even the messy, ugly, things, have a way of working out.
Notes:
So there we are!
Honestly, this fic has made me homicidal and I'm really glad it's over. I wrote the first 60k words in FIVE DAYS in December and then it took me another six months to write the last like three chapters because I hated it so much! It's not my best work and I definitely need to go back and clean up so grammar, in earlier chapters... but overall, I think it's just a fun lighthearted fic even though it isn't my most artistic writing, and I hope you all enjoyed anyway :)
In the time I was working on this fic I:
1. got fired
2. actually dropped my music business minor despite the fact that I'm a senior in college because I hated it so much!!
3. had numerous mental breakdowns
4. wrote way too many songs for thisLook, I'm just happy it's completed!
Also side note, please don't be mean to my characters guys it makes me sad and they all made stupid mistakes, but so have all of us :)
Ily and please go read some of my other work which I'm much prouder of. Mwah!
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Pages Navigation
tillireachtheshore on Chapter 1 Tue 24 Jan 2023 03:31AM UTC
Comment Actions
(Previous comment deleted.)
rweoutofthewoods on Chapter 1 Tue 16 May 2023 02:10PM UTC
Comment Actions
bareinmind on Chapter 1 Mon 17 Jul 2023 04:07PM UTC
Comment Actions
MoonyEmilie3017 on Chapter 1 Tue 01 Aug 2023 11:11PM UTC
Comment Actions
Vasia_17 on Chapter 1 Mon 18 Mar 2024 10:09PM UTC
Last Edited Mon 18 Mar 2024 10:10PM UTC
Comment Actions
elloveslily on Chapter 1 Thu 02 May 2024 02:13AM UTC
Comment Actions
luzbeam on Chapter 1 Fri 24 May 2024 08:35PM UTC
Comment Actions
omgjustletmeread123 on Chapter 1 Wed 07 Aug 2024 01:18AM UTC
Comment Actions
rememberit_alltoowell on Chapter 1 Sun 25 Aug 2024 04:06PM UTC
Comment Actions
Nightangale on Chapter 1 Mon 16 Dec 2024 11:57AM UTC
Comment Actions
Codicia_2 on Chapter 1 Thu 24 Apr 2025 04:40PM UTC
Comment Actions
BlackStar1702 on Chapter 1 Thu 17 Jul 2025 04:53PM UTC
Comment Actions
kupisacake on Chapter 1 Wed 10 Sep 2025 01:02AM UTC
Comment Actions
Grillmeacheese on Chapter 2 Thu 19 Jan 2023 02:42AM UTC
Comment Actions
ryleeoverhere on Chapter 2 Thu 19 Jan 2023 03:02AM UTC
Comment Actions
ryleeoverhere on Chapter 2 Thu 19 Jan 2023 03:03AM UTC
Comment Actions
olivehead on Chapter 2 Thu 19 Jan 2023 04:43PM UTC
Comment Actions
Otaku_de_closet on Chapter 2 Thu 19 Jan 2023 05:23PM UTC
Comment Actions
ephemeralstarss on Chapter 2 Sat 21 Jan 2023 03:30PM UTC
Comment Actions
tillireachtheshore on Chapter 2 Wed 25 Jan 2023 04:26AM UTC
Comment Actions
rweoutofthewoods on Chapter 2 Wed 25 Jan 2023 04:31AM UTC
Comment Actions
tillireachtheshore on Chapter 2 Wed 25 Jan 2023 05:20AM UTC
Comment Actions
Pages Navigation