Chapter Text
Atsushi had been young the first time someone told him those wretched words.
Well... younger.
...
That day, while not the first time, had been the most memorable.
To him it had all been going well. Not before, they’d met, but after that. Before she told him those words.
It had been a few days since Nakajima Atsushi had been kicked out of the Orphanage, completely alone. With barely more than the clothes on his back and the desperate wish to live they had chased him out. Without mercy, he had lost the closest thing to home he had ever had. Left him without purpose, without any sense of direction.
He had no experience in the greater world, left without even a hint of what to do next he ended up homeless. Wandering aimlessly, stumbling about, he managed to survive, but just barely. The season had been kind to him, if kind was the right word to use.
At least he wasn’t dead.
That day was the day Atsushi had met the lady, Ryuuka.
Ryuuka had been one of the few that had bothered to show him anything more than barely hidden disgust, instead treating him with genuine kindness. Before the agency that had been more than just a rarity, kindness without secret expectations had been something more akin to a fairy tale than real.
She stuck out in his memories, bold and bittersweet, a pillar of light in the darkness of his life. Though tainted by future knowledge, the sort gained only through experience, the memories of her he still held close to his heart. How couldn’t he? Being treated with kindness… it was addicting, memorizing. It held power over others.
Later, he had learned, it had been pity that drove her actions.
To him, a starved teen barely into adulthood, left to rot on the streets, she appeared a goddess. Taller and larger than he was, her short messy hair showed no signs of neglect, clothes free of dirt and wrinkles. The far-off reflection of light were like stars within her eyes, glimmering with life. When she spoke her voice was both gentle and firm, though Atsushi had been too taken aback to hear her at first.
The shock of being acknowledged lingered as her hand hovered before him. It was a branch of promise, a leash to be chained to, a life line. He scrambled off his aching back to take hold of it. Her skin was soft against his, making his own feel wrong. Too rough from callouses and scabbed wounds, as if just his touch would mar her flesh.
He let go as soon as he could, flinching with expected punishment, muscles tense and shoulders raised.
She hadn’t struck him, just smiled sadly. Ryuuka offered him a handkerchief as he tried fruitlessly to wipe his hands on his pants, too dirty to feign cleaness.
The woman had thought of him like a stray dog. A mangy little thing desperate for whatever leftovers it could scrounge up. Atsushi had no experience in being an adult, had barely ever been treated with respect. So when Ryuuka had mistaken him for younger than he was, he had said nothing.
What was there to say when a life of malnutrition and neglect had left him looking as young as he felt?
But she hadn’t been wrong, not entirely so. How different was he from the stray dogs that haunted the streets? Perhaps less dangerous, without claws or fangs to attack or defend with. And more alone, without a pack to help him live. But just like those dogs he had to fight, find, or even beg for whatever he could to survive.
He was a half-feral mutt, though a real one would be more presentable than he was. With clothes both muddy and torn, patched together with whatever bits of string he could manage. A large bruise bloomed under his right eye, a memento from the Director of the Orphanage. The splotchy purple matched with the bags under his eyes, solid sleep a struggle to find. And while he’d never been heavy, Atsushi had lost enough wait to appear more skeletal than just slim.
Dirt streaked his face, harsh lines of mud and grit he’d been unable to wash off. They stained his arms and hands, with the exposed parts of his calves and bare feet in no better shape. His clothes at least, were in a slightly better shape. Earlier he had washed them in a stream Atsushi had found, though it was too cold to cleanse himself without risking freezing.
It left the boy both filthy and shivering in the cooling night’s air, faint from starvation.
The woman had quirked her lips and offered him some food, warm food. Ryuuka said she could pay for it, said that she was feeling particularly generous that evening. Atsushi never thought to doubt her, eyes wide with hope and joy. His stomach grumbled as the lady laughed and told him to follow, and he had, trotting at her heels like a well trained pet.
Compared to her he was a blight, a speck of rot upon the small village he found himself at. And no matter which village he appeared at he'd always be deemed the same. He deserved to be stamped out, a walking talking festering wound that needed to be treated, eliminated. But it was in his nature to fight, selfishly clawing his way through life.
…
The walk there had been a blur, overtaken by the snarling beast of hunger tearing at his insides. He had forgotten the last time he'd had a real meal, even at the orphanage food had been limited, painfully so. And here she was, an angel in mortal flesh, blessing him not just with food, but the promise of regaining his wilting will to live, at least for the next few days.
Together they arrived at a small place, a squat building of crumbling brick showing signs of neglectful aging. Appearing to once been a family home, the inside was painted a pale beige with a skirting of a dark-stained wood. The green carpet was worn from time, streaked grey at the entrance and the paths leading to the most popular eating spots.
A wave of warm air hit Atsushi as they stepped through the front door. Infused with the scene of all sorts of delicious food, the scent enraptured him as his stomach growled. He ignored the conversation the woman was having with a man, focusing on all the things he could smell.
There was hints of pork in the air, the scent of well cooked chicken and stir fried vegetables. Of aromatic broth and the wet scent of rice. His tongue swiped over his teeth as Atsushi began salivating, stomach growling even louder as he pictured it in his mind. It hit him all at once, so much so that he had to blindly grab at the doorway to just stay standing. Darkness invaded his vision as pain wracked through his abdomen, the scent of heavenly delights the only thing stopping the boy from crumpling to the floor.
Atsushi didn’t notice how oddly quiet the place was, the lack of conversation and clinking utensils. Or the shared whispers between Ryuuka and the man she was talking to, the careful way they stood close but not too close, his hand hovering over her elbow. Too familiar for mere acquaintances and too friendly for strangers, the two watched him out of the corner of their eyes.
Quickly, though not fast enough for his stomach, Atsushi found himself following the duo to a semi-secluded table by a window. Keeping his hands close and steps long, he winced when he heard the man mutter something about staining the carpet. Once seated the man brought them cups and a pitcher of water, filling them both along with delivering them both twin menus.
Atsushi swallowed, hesitant as he stared at the glass of water before him. It glistened and called out to him, crystal clear and nothing like the rivers Atsushi had dared drinking from. He shut his eyes as he drank it. It tasted fantastic, better than water had had before, cooling and wetting the painful dryness of his throat. It rid his mouth from the weird taste that had been building up over the last few days, a victory in its own right.
The lady giggled at his antics, refilling his glass as soon as he set it down. To her his desperation was amusing, like a dog doing tricks to earn a simple morsel. And perhaps it was, for how often was clean water drank with such gusto that it ran down a person’s neck, splashing onto their shirt? She had, while Atsushi had been consumed with drinking, even ordered for him too!
He ate in a frenzy, despite his initial attempts to hold himself back. It had all tasted wonderful, it was perhaps the best meals the orphan had ever had in his miserable existence. Inhalling it in record speed, Atsushi felt a wave of exhaustion hit him as he finally, finally satiated the beast of his stomach.
It was so much easier to ignore how much he hurt.
The woman had talked to him, once Atsushi had eaten enough that his brain had the ability to focus on more than just the glorious food. Mostly it had been the basics, Ryuuka wanting to know more about the boy she’d found. She asked where his parents were, how long he was on the street. Asked about his age, brows furrowed in concern.
Her eyes were wide as he spoke, Atsushi thrilled to do this for her, to repay her kindness. In his joy he had pounced on the chance to answer every question she had as theroughly as he could.
And that was where theproblem started, his words too dark for the cheery appreciation he held towards her. He forgot to shun away the bad, minimize the terrors. Instead he dug free the well of dead memories that should have stayed buried.
He didn’t notice her ever increasingly more forced grin. How her words got more and more stilted as he leaned forwards, hopeful for praise. Like a child showing off a scribbled artwork, he told his story eagerly. Too eagerly. He was too content from the food, too hopefuly for the future, too blind to what the world was to the average person…
To a normal person.
To a human.
To him the world was bathed in a whole new light, glowing bright with hope and peace, free from the threat of fainting. To many the world never fell into such darkness to begin with, never lost in the vast shadowy abyss. But how was he supposed to know that? Orphaned early on, everyone he’d known had been in that abyss at some point.
He didn’t know that most never reached the levels of darkness his life had reached.
Ryuuka had given him everything he could have asked for, providing food and shelter and water and kindness. It wasn’t much, but it meant the world to him. Sure, his dreams were small, perhaps not even worth the title of dreams, but they were infinitely more important than any other fancy he ever had.
And just the taste of reaching his dream left him overwhelmed.
Which meant he hadn’t noticed her horror or her sadness.
He hadn’t noticed her disgust.
It had built slowly, at first sympathy that warped to disbelief. As he mentioned the Orphanage, the Director, the lack of food and place in the world it had soured. While few ever went to the Orphanage, even fewer said bad things about it. It was a crime, for where else would be so generous as to take in such children?
Then came his age. He answered her truthfully, not thinking it an issue.
Then came the topic of where he’d go next. Atsushi had rambled about his stay in the woods, while Ryuuka had stayed mostly silent, prying for details when needbe. The man had lingered in the entrance to the room, eyes trained on the duo as Ryuuka eventually waved him off.
Eventually they had left, Ryuuka trading a few curt words with the man before they departed. Once off the main road, she had snatched his wrist and spun him around, dark eyes deep voids, her face contorted. His back slammed into a tree, rough bark further wearing down his clothes as she towered before him.
It had been quick. Unexpected and hurtful, Ryuuka had demanded he leave the town. She claimed he now had the strength to leave for good and stop tainting the village with his filth. Her voice was flat and cold, her face falling into a mask of apathy as she slapped him across the face, demanding what was wrong with him.
His mind was too sluggish, Atsushi instinctively curling into himself as visions of similar confrontations played out in his mind. Ryuuka had leaned in, forcing him to look her in the eye as she said those wretched final words.
"Here's a tip in life," she had whispered, the monolith of humanity. "You’re a pathetic disgrace to the human race. You’re wrong, you’re creepy. Learn how to be human."
…
It hadn’t been the first time Atsushi had heard such words…
So why did it always hurt so much?
It was stupid, wasn’t it? To have been so foolish that he tried pretending to be a normal person, a real human? Just leaving that prison of an Orphanage didn’t give him the right to call himself that, he should have known that.
How could he ever thing that he, despite how horrid everything was, had finally earned a spot in humanity? To be considered one of them, equal and free to live his life. To just be another aimless human living and breathing, taking up space like it was a birthright.
He was an idiot, how stupid could he be?
The Orphanage Director had been right. Of course he was, he always was.
Atushi, in his stupid naivety, had pretended that the Director was wrong. So pathetically he had clung to that belief, as if it would save him. He was dumb like that, the Director had said. He was a maggot feasting on rotten flesh, unaware of how much death he’d consume. He gorged himself on the putrid decaying lies he told himself, a glutton for their sour taste.
No wonder he was a stain on the world, all he did was add to the filth.
Her words echoed in his mind, endlessly looping.
Learn to be Human.
He had trudged away from the village, feet heavy, heart heavier still.
Learn to be Human.
He had found some sort of pit in the ground, not deep enough to be a hole but enough that with cold-bitten hands he could dig it painstakingly deeper. He ignored how the chilled dirt lifted his nails and random rocks cut into his palms.
Learn to be Human.
Collecting some larger sticks he made a small structure, the sticks leaning against each other and covering the hole. He strung whatever chunks of bark and whatever else he could find around to protect against the wind before crawling into the hole.
Learn to be Human.
He could feel bugs crawling on his skin and feel the dirt pressing against him. He could feel the ground calling out to him, daring him to dig deeper, sink further. Atsushi was so selfish, wasn't he? A pathetic mess that demanded a place in humanity, a place he'd never deserve because no matter how hard he tried he'd never qualify.
Learn to be Human.
It was stupid, the boy told himself, nails scratching at his exposed arms. It was stupid how much he dared hope, when everything in his life had proved him wrong.
Learn to be Human.
At least there was one constant in his life…
Learn to be Human.
No matter how hard he tried…
He didn't feel human.