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Kaoru couldn’t hear anything except for the blood rushing in his ears as he stumbled into his apartment. Vision blurred, he kicked off his shoes, just letting them lay in the middle of the hallway.
He blinked when he realized he was standing in his kitchen now. What was he doing here again? Was he hungry? No, he wasn’t. He felt kind of sick, actually.
Better go to the bathroom.
He pressed his sweaty hands to the back of his neck as he made his way to the bathroom on unsteady feet. Kaoru dug his fingernails into his skin until it stung, desperately trying to drown out the breath brushing along the nape of his neck.
He could feel it, someone was breathing down his neck, strong hands holding him in place.
Help me help me help me help me help me
I’m safe, Kaoru tried telling himself, I’m in my apartment, but someone, Adam, he was touching him, his breath hot on his skin-
He quickly locked the front door from the inside before retreating to the safety of his bathroom, sinking down in one of the corners.
Rocking back and forth, hands still pressed to the back of his neck, he could still feel it, could hear Adam’s voice, just like that, you’re such a slut.
A noise made it’s way from Kaoru’s mouth that he thought sounded more than a wounded animal rather than a human being, that seemed sort of right, he wasn’t feeling all that human at the moment, there was only the fear and
the pain and
why is he doing this and please don’t hurt me again
He hadn’t noticed it at first, hadn’t been able to put his finger on it, had just felt his stomach drop as he’d respectfully bowed to greet a new client of his, feeling a cold sweat break out on his neck as the two of them made their way to discuss his commission further in Kaoru’s office.
He hoped he’d been able to keep a polite smile on his face as his client discussed the details of his order, but the words barely reached him, his heart was beating painfully in his chest, he was scared, so scared, scared his client would lunge over and attack him, attack him like Adam had-
It didn’t make any sense, he thought, the man in front of him was at least three decades older than Adam, no resemblance in their appearance even in the slightest, so why…?
It wasn’t until his client leaned over to show him some references he’d brought with him and when Kaoru took a deep breath to calm himself it hit him like a truck, he smelled it and his blood froze in his veins, Adam was on top of him, holding him down, pressing his body against his-
That night he hadn’t even noticed it, his mind unable to process such unimportant details, but he immediately recognized it now, years later.
It’s the same. It’s the same perfume they’re wearing.
His client said something, Kaoru couldn’t understand what, the man started laughing and he heard himself politely laugh along and what the fuck was happening??
Make up a fucking excuse, get out of here, he thought, but he couldn’t, he was once again finding himself frozen, just go along and take it. Take it and it’ll be over soon.
He felt himself nod along to whatever the man in front of him was saying, heard himself answer questions, all the while screaming on the inside, dying, please make him stop.
Kaoru tried holding his breath as he walked his client to the door before they bid their farewells, but it was of no use, he could already feel Adam all over him, his scent, his touch, his-
He barely recalled getting home, everything spinning as he tried not to drown in the memories, in the scent, the breath, the hands…
Kaoru felt sweat drip down his skin as he was curled up in his corner, it was hot, everything was too hot, with jerky hands he undid the belt of his yukata, wait, no, not my clothes, please don’t take off my clothes, please don’t hurt me
Lurching to the toilet, he barely made it before he started puking, kept heaving as Adam’s voice taunted him, you’re enjoying this, aren’t you?
The tears came when he was finished, he sobbed as he buried his hands in his hair, why was this happening? Why did he have to fucking feel like this all over again?
Why couldn’t he just get better?? Why did it just keep happening again and again and again…
The crying stopped and he abruptly threw his head back and laughed, no, it was funny you see, it was hilarious in fact, how no matter what Kaoru did, he always ended up back here, wasn’t it funny, ha ha ha…
The laughing came to a sudden halt too, his arms fell limply to his side, Kaoru became still, perfectly still, eyes empty and staring, everything stopped and he was nothing, blissfully, he was nothing
until
the breath was back on his neck
and Kaoru shot up then, pacing up and down
grabbing at his neck again, it didn’t feel right, nothing did
his skin was too tight
too hot
something crawling beneath it
he wanted to tear his clothes off, alongside his skin
to finally be clean
he would never be clean
he would never
never
He remembered why he’d made his way to the kitchen.
-
Kojiro frowned as he turned his key. The door had been locked. Was Kaoru out? He should’ve been home by now, shouldn’t he? They hadn’t had an evening off together in a while and they’d made plans to eat together.
Kojiro had spent his entire shift looking forward to it, to finally spend an evening with his boyfriend again.
The frown deepened as he saw Kaoru’s shoes just lying on the floor. Another glance and he found his keys a few feet away.
So Kaoru was definitely home.
“Kaoru?”, he called out. No answer.
“You there?” His heartbeat quickened as he still got no response.
He made his way through the apartment, looking for Kaoru.
It’s fine. I’m sure everything is just-
He turned to look into the bathroom.
-fine.
Kojiro froze in place.
Kaoru was standing unmoving in front of the sink, eyes glazed over, red-stained knife still in his hand, blood slowly trickling down his legs in little streams.
The oxygen seemed to disappear. Air thinning, Kojiro swayed on his feet a bit, unable to tear his eyes away from the bloody knife, from the cuts, how many were there, the upper parts of his thighs slashed open again and again and there was blood on his legs, his hands, the floor, blood everywhere-
What the fuck had happened??
Not now, he told himself. Not now. Freak out later. Right now, help him.
Fucking help him!
He took a cautious step towards Kaoru, eyes trained on the knife he was still clutching in his blood-stained hand.
“Kaoru?”, he called out in a soft voice.
Zero reaction. Face still blank, eyes far, far away.
Another step. “Kaoru, can you hear me?”
Still no response.
Kojiro slowly reached towards the knife, praying Kaoru would keep still.
“I’m just going to take the knife, okay?”
Kaoru thankfully didn’t resist when Kojiro gently took his hands in his, carefully peeling his fingers off the handle.
He just kept staring straight ahead blankly.
Kojiro let out a shaky breath when the knife was finally in his hands. He put it on a cabinet behind him, out of Kaoru’s reach.
He pushed down a wave of sickness, his hands now also sticky with Kaoru’s blood.
“Kaoru?”, he called out again.
Nothing.
Gently, he took his hand his his again.
“Can you squeeze my hand, please?”
It was something they’d worked out months ago, when Kaoru was dissociating talking often wasn’t an option for him, squeezing Kojiro’s hand an easier form of communication.
Kaoru’s hand stayed lax in his.
“Kaoru?”, he tried again. “Can you squeeze my hand?”
No response.
Fuck. That probably meant he was really far gone right now.
Kojiro didn’t want to rush him, but he also really wanted to take care of Kaoru’s wounds. The cuts didn’t look like they needed stitches, most of them had already stopped bleeding, but they needed to be cleaned and patched up unless they wanted to risk them getting infected.
Kaoru let Kojiro lead him over to the toilet, let himself be gently pushed down to sit on the lid.
Kojiro sank down to his knees before him, taking Kaoru’s hands in his.
Speaking to him in a soft voice, he gently stroked them, trailed his fingers up his arms, providing his boyfriend with some physical sensations that may lead him back to him.
Please come back, Kaoru. Come back to me.
Nothing. Kojiro got up after a while, soaking a washcloth in some cold water. He prayed this would work as he pressed it to Kaoru’s nape, letting the cold water run down his neck.
The next step would be dragging Kaoru under a cold shower, but he didn’t think it would be a good idea to soak the cuts in water for that amount of time.
Kojiro let the cloth run under cold water again a few times, pressing it to his neck, his wrists, gently speaking to him all the while.
As he kneeled before him once again, cloth pressed against his forehead, Kaoru finally, finally began stirring a bit. He blinked a few times, eyes focusing on Kojiro’s face.
He smiled up at him. “Hey there, princess. You back?”
Kaoru didn’t answer him. His eyes wandered to the mess that was currently his legs. A sound between a groan one a whimper escaped him, any color he had draining from his face.
Various emotions flashed across his features; sadness, disgust, anger, before he turned his head up, keeping the cuts firmly out of his view.
“Is it okay if I take care of these?” Kojiro asked quietly.
A curt nod.
“Alright.” He gave his hand a squeeze. “I’ll be right back.”
He got up to wash his hands, then returned to Kaoru’s side with some new washcloths.
Kojiro forced his hands to remain still as he gently cleaned up the cuts, explaining what he was doing to Kaoru, who still kept his head turned away.
The cloth turned red as Kojiro gently pressed it against the cuts, as he ran it along Kaoru’s legs, wiping away all the blood that’d flowed from his thighs.
Kojiro couldn’t stop the tears welling up in his eyes at the close up look as Kaoru’s legs, a mess of frenzied cuts, almost too many to count.
He needs you, he reminded himself. You have to be strong right now.
Some antibiotic cream, some gauze and bandages later, he kneeled back in front of Kaoru, laying his hands on his knees.
“There, as good as new. Is there something you want to do now? Something that’d help you?”
Kaoru just shrugged, averting his eyes.
“Do you want to talk?” Another shrug.
“How about some sleep?” A shake of the head.
Kojiro suspected there was something Kaoru wanted to do, that he was just unable to communicate it in his current state.
He ran different options through his head, deliberating what would probably help him the most right now, when Kaoru took his hand in his, holding it tightly.
Kojiro smiled up at him. “How about we go lie down on the sofa a bit?”
A nod this time.
“All right princess, up we go.”
Letting Kaoru lean on him, they slowly walked to the living room, Kojiro sitting on the couch, Kaoru laying down, using his lap as a pillow. Kojiro gently ran his hand through the pink hair.
“I’m-“ Kaoru spoke after a while, voice hoarse. “I’m gonna…disappear for a bit again.”
“That’s fine.” Kojiro reassured him. “I’ll stay right here with you.”
Kaoru gave a small nod again before stilling, mind pulled away from his body once more.
Kojiro sat there, hand still stroking through his hair, waiting for him.
Had something happened? Kaoru had been fine this morning, hadn’t he? Not that that had to mean anything. Kaoru’s episodes didn’t always have an obvious trigger. But for it to get this bad? Kaoru had told him he’d cut in the past, he’d seen the scars, but this…
Kojiro had never witnessed an episode like this. It’d been awful, all the blood running down his legs, the slashes on his thighs…
He was still deep in thought when he heard Kaoru’s quiet voice again.
“I’m sorry.”
“What for, princess?”
No answer.
He looked down at Kaoru. He was trembling slightly, eyes misty. Kojiro could tell he was trying not to cry.
“It’s okay, you’re okay.”
Kaoru shook his head. “I’m not.”
“You’re going to be.” Kojiro replied, voice ever so gentle.
“I’m not.”
“Kaoru, please tell me what’s going on. You know you can talk to me.”
Kaoru was silent for a moment. Then; “I’m never going to be okay.”
He shot up, pacing up and down. “I can try and pretend but this-“, he gestured towards to cuts on his legs. “-this is what I am.”
“You’re not.” Kojiro watched Kaoru pace with knitted brows. “You’re just in a bad place right-“
He stopped as Kaoru’s head flew back and he started laughing, hollow and cold. The laughter ended as soon as it came, Kaoru’s face twisted, his eyes filling with tears before he aggressively wiped them away, continuing his pacing.
“You don’t get it.”
“Explain it then.”
“You’ll never understand.”
“Try me.”
Kaoru shook his head, mouth twitching. “Kojiro, there is no better. This is it, this-“, he gestured to his cuts again. “-is inevitable! This is where I’m headed, always!”
Kojiro just stared at him, torn between wanting to comfort Kaoru and letting him speak his mind.
Kaoru continued.
“It’s…it’s always there, in the back of my mind. A weight. A shadow, a darkness, whatever. A voice telling me I’m worthless, I should cut, I should just go kill myself. All. The fucking. Time. And everyday, every waking moment, I have to go fight against it, tell the voice that it’s wrong, that it’s lying to me. I have to do it all the fucking time and it’s exhausting. And sure, sometimes the voice gets quieter, sometimes I think the day will come where it will finally disappear, so I keep fighting, but no matter how much I fight, how hard I work, I always. End. Up. Back. Here.”
He ran his hand over his face.
“So why should I fucking exhaust myself like this, if all I do is stall the inevitable? It’s all fucking pointless, isn’t it??
I’m headed towards a cliff, Kojiro, no matter the path I take. I can go straight for it or I can go the long way around, but no matter what, no matter how much I drag my feet, I’ll always end up at that cliff. Might as well jump off it right now, no?”
Kojiro looked at him, eyes wide, not knowing what to say.
“Fucking look at me! I’m broken! Open your fucking eyes, I can’t be put together again, ever! This is it! This is me! I’ll always just be fucking broken and sad and angry and what the fuck are you doing here with me?! Are you blind?? Look at me!”
“I am looking at you, Kaoru.” Kojiro said quietly. “I see you.”
“Then why are you still fucking here?” Kaoru hissed. “What are you doing here? We both know you’ll get sick of my shit eventually. Don’t bother denying it. I know you’ll get sick of me sooner or later, so why not do both of us a fucking favor and just leave already! Just leave!”
They both stared at each other with wide eyes.
Kaoru sank to the ground then, shoulders shaking with sobs. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!”
Kojiro immediately shot up, joining him on the ground. “Kaoru, listen to me. I see you. I don’t see someone broken. I see someone the world has been incredibly unkind to. You’ve suffered, and you shouldn’t have had to. But I see someone so incredibly strong. You’ve worked so hard to overcome what’s been done to you. You’re doing such an amazing job. I know it’s hard, but you’re so strong, Kaoru. I know you can’t see it right now, but you are not broken. You’re stronger than anyone I know.”
Kaoru continued sobbing into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”
“I know Kaoru, I know”, Kojiro consoled him. “Listen to me, I’m right here. I’m not gonna bail just because you’re having a bad day, okay? I love you. I don’t want you just on your good days. I want all of you, I told you that, didn’t I? I’m not leaving you. I love you and I’ll help you in whatever way I can. I’m not going anywhere.”
“A year!” Kaoru sobbed against him. “I was clean for over a fucking year!”
“You slipped up, okay?” Kojiro comforted him, gently stroking the back of his head. “Don’t discredit all your hard work because of a slip. You slipped. You’ll get back up.”
Kaoru shook his head. “I don’t want this. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It hurts. I…I want to die. I want to die.”
Kojiro took a deep breath in and out. “Thank you for telling me. It’s good that you’re talking about it.” He kept running his hand through Kaoru’s hair. “I know how hard you’re fighting. How tired you must be. You’re doing great, Kaoru. You don’t have to feel good all the time. You’re allowed to feel bad. You’re allowed to slip up. It doesn’t mean you’re worth any less or change any of the progress you’ve made. I’m very, very sorry you’re feeling this way. Remember, you can get better again. You’re not alone. I’m right here with you.”
Kaoru continued crying for a while, Kojiro continued soothing him.
“He…my client..” Kaoru choked out after a while. “He…”
“Did he do something?” Kojiro asked, voice turning harsh for the first time.
“No, no”, Kaoru answered, tears still running down his face. “He…his…”
He pushed himself off Kojiro suddenly, hand pressed to his mouth, body heaving.
“Are you going to be sick?” Kojiro gently stroked his back. “Should we get you to the bathroom?”
Kaoru shook his head, heaving ebbing away after a while. “I don’t think so.” He paused. Then, without looking at Kojiro;
“His perfume. It was the same. When Adam…when he…it was the same. I couldn’t move again, I- I was back there and…”
He threw himself back into Kojiro’s embrace.
Kojiro hugged him tightly. “It’s fine, you’re fine. You don’t have to meet him again, okay? You can cancel his commission. You won’t have to be near him again. You’re safe.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for. I love you. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“I’m trying to get better, I swear.”
“I know. I’m so proud of you.”
“Do you…do you really think I can get better?”
“I do.” Kojiro kissed the top of his head. “I know it.”
They stayed like that, holding each other. Kaoru’s crying quieted down after a while.
“Thank you.”, he murmured against Kojiro’s chest. And; “I love you.”
The grip around him tightened.
“I love you too.”
-
The next few days were hard. Hard for Kojiro, harder for Kaoru. It was difficult to keep food down, impossible to sleep. He’d been living with depression for over four years now. Some days it was easy, dark thoughts so quiet he barely even noticed them. Other days, like these, they were screaming at him, crashing over him like a huge wave, a snake coiling around him tighter and tighter, slowly suffocating him.
It was so exhausting. Constantly having to counter the thoughts, trying not to let them drag him deeper and deeper.
You’re so fucking disgusting.
No, I’m not. I have my worth.
You should cut, you’ll relapse anyways.
Maybe I will, but not today. I can channel the urge in other ways.
You should just go and finally fucking off yourself. That’d be better for everyone involved.
That’s not true. There are people who care about me. Besides, it’s not like I really want to die anyways. I just want the pain to stop. And I have to hope there are other ways to do that.
Back and forth, day and night. He was so fucking tired. But he wasn’t alone. Kojiro stayed by his side, encouraged him to talk, held him through sleepless nights.
Kaoru would get better again. He’d made so much progress over the last months. A few steps back didn’t change that. He’d soon begin moving forward again.