Work Text:
SSA DEREK MORGAN'S CELL PHONE
Thurs, Dec 3, 6:28am
Pretty Boy: Everybody's at the office. Where are you?
Me: shit shit shit im running late gimmie 20
Pretty Boy: Twenty minutes?! Are you serious?! We just got called into a case! Everyone is waiting for you to start briefing!
Me: boy u gonna calm down i didnt hear my phone and im on my way okay chill
Pretty Boy: Whatever. XC
Thurs, Dec 3, 6.42am
Me: did you just bitchface me with ur keyboard boy you dont know me ill mess u up
Pretty Boy: If I say I'll let you hit me, will that be extra incentive to get you to show up on time?
Me: getting in the car ttyl
Pretty Boy: XP
Me: XD
Sat, Dec 5, 7:16pm
Me: whatcha doin
Pretty Boy: Re-reading some Austen. You?
Me: about to go mini golfing. wanna join
Pretty Boy: Seriously?
Me: yeh
Pretty Boy: Why?
Me: were one person short. penelope and savannah are with me and i kind of wanna play teams.
Pretty Boy: And your first pick is me? You do know my track record with sticks, right?
Me: shut your trap and get your shoes on my car is literally outside your place
Pretty Boy: WHOA
Pretty Boy: CRPA
Pretty Boy: *Crap. I spilled my coffee.
Me: rotflmao u suck
Pretty Boy: You suck more
Me: hurry up
Pretty Boy: I didn't have pants on, okay? Give me a sec.
Me: u were reading austen with no pants on
Pretty Boy: Don't judge.
Sun, Dec 8, 10:02am
Me: hows that hangover going
Pretty Boy: Why didn't you tell me it was Scotch?
Me: lol ^__^
Pretty Boy: Leave me alone
Tues, Dec 10, 2:33pm
Pretty Boy: Wait, I changed my mind. I want the bun toasted.
Me: anything else
Pretty Boy: no mayo
Me: kk im stopping by Starbucks omw back do you want your usual too
Pretty Boy: Yes, thank you. I'll give you the money when you get back.
Me: nah its cool i gotchu
Pretty Boy: No, please. I don't want to be in your debt.
Me: youre not in my debt youre my friend
Pretty Boy: Fine. I'm making you dinner tonight then.
Me: you dont have to
Pretty Boy: Too bad. I'm doing it anyway. Be there at 8.
Me: want me to bring wine
Pretty Boy: I've got half a bottle of Moscato in my fridge, we're good.
Me: cool gotcha
Tues, Dec 10, 7:49pm
Pretty Boy: I burnt the lasagna, so I'm making spaghetti. It'll be ready in 15.
Tues, Dec 10, 8:02pm
Me: thats cool with me man free food is free food. open the door im here.
Wed, Dec 11, 7:41am
Me: <draft> you cant tell anybody about last night okay. nobody can know. seriously. i have a girlfriend you know i have a girlfriend why did you let me
Me: <draft> fuck fuck shit oh my fucking god fUCKK
Me: <draft> we need to talk about last night
Me: <draft> i dont want to talk. i just wish it never happened
Me: <draft> thats a lie you felt sooo good oh god
Me: <draft> im so hard right now just thinking about you hOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN WHY DID WE
Me: <draft> goddamnit
Me: <draft> fuck
Me: <draft> why did we fucking do that why did we fucking do that why why fucking why
Wed, Dec 11, 9:13am
Pretty Boy: Did you send the email for the Cincinnati case revisions from last week, because I got an email saying they didn't get it.
Me: tell them to check again because I sent it on friday
Pretty Boy: Okay.
Me: so about last night
Pretty Boy: What about it?
Me: you know what
Pretty Boy: Extrapolate.
Me: *sigh* you know the part where we hugged good bye and then made out against your doorframe
Pretty Boy: Oh, that.
Me: yeah OH THAT
Pretty Boy: I thought we were just going to ignore it. I mean, you have a girlfriend and we're coworkers... it makes sense for us to act like it never happened and move on.
Me: so you want to move on then
Pretty Boy: Do you?
Me: idk
Pretty Boy: Oh. Well. That's a variable I didn't factor in.
Me: did you like it
Pretty Boy: Like what?
Me: making out with me
Wed, Dec 11, 10:23am
Me: should i take that as a "no"
Me: awesome
Me: i made things worse by prodding didnt i
Wed, Dec 11, 12:10pm
Me: please dont ignore me
Pretty Boy: I'm not ignoring you. I'm just not talking to you right now.
Me: that is the exact definition of ignoring me
Me: kid
Me: kidddddd
Me: come on man please
Wed, Dec 11, 4:37pm
Me: just answer the one question and i swear ill leave u alone
Me: did you enjoy frenching me?
Me: spenceeeeee
Me: i didnt wanna be an asshole about this but i felt two cell phones in ur pockets and i know u only got one so....
Me: either i was kissing the fuck outta u or u popped viagra before dinner
Me: look kid im not mad i just wanna talk
Me: kidddddddd
Me: come
Me: on
Me: text
Me: me
Me: back
Thurs, Dec 12, 1:13am
Me: i told savannah that i kissed you
Me: shes pretty pissed
Me: she should be
Me: ur like really hot
Me: .....shit
Me: was that weird
Me: that was weird i shouldnt have called you hot
Me: i mean u are.... so hot. incredibly hot. illegally hot. like i can't even describe how fuckin attractive i find you like... ur fuckin eyes and ur fuckin hair and ur fuckin brain and that body just puts me in a coffin i mean jESUSSSSS
Me: I DIDNT MEAN TO SEND THAT LAST ONE SHIT
Me: forget i said that
Fri, Dec 13, 9:39am
Pretty Boy: Make sure you don't forget to drop off the copies of the crime scene photos to the PD secretary. He hands them off to the Chief when he gets to the station.
Me: are you serious
Pretty Boy: Yeah.
Me: you ignore my text messages for days and then hit me up with work stuff are you kidding me
Pretty Boy: No. I am not kidding you. Drop off the files.
Me: fine whatever
Sun, Dec 15, 11:56am
Me: are we fighting
Pretty Boy: No.
Me: then why are you ignoring me at work
Pretty Boy: Because I'm awkward. Pardon me if I don't know what to say to a man who I helped cheat on his girlfriend.
Me: we cheated but we didnt cheat cheat
Me: like we didnt fuck each other so its not as bad
Me: ya feel me
Pretty Boy: You stuffed your hand down my pants. I'm pretty sure groping another man's rear while shoving your tongue down his throat is considered cheating.
Me: ngl you saying it like that was kind of hot
Pretty Boy: "NGL"?
Me: not gonna lie
Pretty Boy: Oh.
Pretty Boy: But that's beside the point. We hugged and then it got intense and I shouldn't have kissed you back. I knew you had a girlfriend, and I still kissed you back. I'm certifiably an awful person, so there.
Me: yeah but i kissed you i started it
Pretty Boy: But I held on while we hugged. I looked at you. I LOOKED at you. I prompted it. I know I did. You wouldn't have kissed me if I didn't give you the go-ahead.
Me: so doesn't matter i shouldnt have kissed you
Pretty Boy: And I shouldn't have let you
Me: so where does that leave us
Pretty Boy: I don't know. Somewhere weird. Somewhere I'm not sure I want to be right now.
Pretty Boy: I'm kind of scared.
Pretty Boy: Honestly, I've never kissed someone like that before.
Me: whOA WHOA ARE YOU A VIRGIN
Pretty Boy: No.
Me: oh okay good
Pretty Boy: Why is that good?
Me: i would feel hella bad if the first person to grope your ass was me
Pretty Boy: Oh, no. That honor goes to Professor McLeary.
Me: hOLY SHIT
Me: your professor grabbed your ass? that is so not okay
Pretty Boy: Yes, but you should have seen him. He was gorgeous. I had the biggest crush on him.
Me: did you sleep with him
Pretty Boy: I don't see how that's any of your business.
Me: you did nOT LOOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO YOUR COLLEGE PROFESSOR OMFG
Pretty Boy: Say anything to anyone and I will kill you.
Me: tell me when, where, and what position and I won't even mention it again.
Pretty Boy: Fine.
Pretty Boy: After the midterm. In his office. We did it on his chair and then on the desk and then on the carpet. Are you happy?
Me: damn. thats one hell of a first time.
Me: mine was in my eleventh grade girlfriend's treehouse and i got so many splinters. i was picking them out for days.
Me: how did you even get three different positions dude damn
Pretty Boy: Because he kept making me... climax. And I... climaxed three times. Can we please stop talking about this? I'm not really comfortable talking about sex.
Me: why. i talk about sex all the time.
Pretty Boy: I know, but, I'm not used to talking about it.
Me: why
Pretty Boy: Because no one ever asks me about it.
Me: oh. well...
Me: i will if you want.
Pretty Boy: Okay.
Me: are you comfortable talking about it if I lead?
Pretty Boy: I'm not sure. Depends on the questions, I guess.
Me: okay uh.... well, ive heard it helps if someone else starts off with something embarrassing, so... I had sex with my girlfriend two nights ago. it was kind of boring and we had the TV on. she laughed at conan before faking an orgasm to see the rest of the episode.
Pretty Boy: Ouch.
Me: when was the last time you had sex?
Pretty Boy: A couple of months ago.
Me: wow, really? who/how was it?
Pretty Boy: I met a woman named Amy at the bookstore down 45th street. We talked in the unofficial biography section about the inaccuracies in the most recent of Abraham Lincoln's bios. We went to get coffee afterward, and I walked her home.
Me: and?
Pretty Boy: When we got there, she offered me another cup of coffee.
Pretty Boy: I was looking through her library and when she came back, she was naked.
Me: whoa
Pretty Boy: Yeah.
Me: lucky bastard.
Pretty Boy: You're telling me.
Me: what happened after
Pretty Boy: I dropped a book and asked where her clothes were. She said she took them off because she wanted me to have sex with her, so I had sex with her.
Me: was it good
Pretty Boy: Nothing incredible. Average.
Me: did you get her number?
Pretty Boy: Oh, heck no. I saw a confederate flag in her living room while my tongue was up her... you know. So, I pretended I got a text message.
Me: holy shit, you licked a racist's pussy. i am laughing so fucking hard at you rn
Pretty Boy: Well, she was only a mid-tier racist at the most. I mean when I look back on what she had to say about the biographies it kind of does start to make more sense, but...
Me: oh ok so she'd let ME lick her pussy too?
Pretty Boy: ......probably not.
Me: thats what i thought
Me: wow. both of our sex lives are sad. good to know.
Me: how were the tits? big, small, medium...
Pretty Boy: They were kind of small, but I like them like that. Did you know, the smaller a woman's breasts are, the more sensitive they are to touch?
Me: what? fuck outta here
Pretty Boy: I swear.
Me: Well, holy shit huh.
Me: how was her hair?
Pretty Boy: The hair on her head?
Me: haha yes, kiddo, the hair on her head
Pretty Boy: Shoulder blade length. Red. Loose curls.
Me: and how did you treat the pussy
Pretty Boy: With the utmost of respect. Even considering... you know? Her toxic mindset and shitty personality.
Me: did you make her cum?
Pretty Boy: Four times.
Me: good man!! wow! look at you out here making girls cum... well well well baby's all grown up and getting squirted on by females. im proud a you kid
Me: a woman should always cum at least twice unless she tells you once is enough. its common courtesy.
Pretty Boy: It is?
Me: yes.
Pretty Boy: Oh. I just really... well...
Me: go on.
Pretty Boy: I enjoy making people cum.
Me: that has to be the hottest thing i've ever heard you say
Pretty Boy: Really?
Me: oh yeah
Me: youre usually such a textbook boy
Me: its nice to hear you have a sex drive
Pretty Boy: Oh, I do. A big one. It's kind of bad, really. Once I really engage with a partner, I can be quite... passionate. Even without a partner, it's not hard to get me going.
Me: going where?
Pretty Boy: Well, horny is the right word. But, I was trying to make it sound respectable.
Me: you? horny? whaaaaaat no. never
Me: u just talked about having sex with a hot racist woman in the most clinical way. it was like reading a travel magazine
Pretty Boy: I get horny, okay, I do.
Me: when?
Pretty Boy: All the time. Not at work, usually, because of all the blood and gore and murder, but when I'm not at work staring at crime scene photos, things are different.
Pretty Boy: Like, this one time at a local chess tournament, I met this guy who was neck and neck with me on the board. Our game lasted way past the allotted time, so we were both named champions, but after everybody left, we kept playing.
Pretty Boy: The game went on for hours and the longer we played, the more turned on I was getting.
Me: go on, im loving this story
Pretty Boy: I'm embarrassed.
Me: come on, kid.
Me: its fine. sexuality is normal. nothing weird about it.
Me: you know what, i'll tell you a story if you finish this one
Pretty Boy: You will?
Me: yeh
Pretty Boy: Fine.
Me: dont skimp out on me now. im gonna need details here
Pretty Boy: He was handsome. Strong jawline, beautiful brown eyes, this stubble with a hint of grey in it. And he had this accent... Peruvian.
Me: whoa he sounds gorgeous
Pretty Boy: He was straight off of the cover of a romance novel, Derek, I shit you not.
Pretty Boy: And his brain?
Pretty Boy: He was always one step ahead of me. Like he had opened up my mind and read it all before he even met me.
Me: damn. a peruvian pretty boy. sounds like heaven to me
Pretty Boy: Shut up.
Pretty Boy: Anyway, I let him win, because it was getting dark out. When he captured my queen, he picked it up, rested it against his lower lip and cut me the sexiest glance I've ever see and said "looks like I made you my bitch tonight" and winked at me before cocking his head toward the forest behind him
Me: fuck
Pretty Boy: And there I was, in the middle of a public park, screwing the crap out of a man that just slapped me in a five-hour game of chess.
Me: so you guys fucked in public
Pretty Boy: Well, he had lube and condoms on him, so I rode him in the bushes like an animal. It was so wrong.
Pretty Boy: Can't believe I fucking did that.
Me: not gonna lie, that's insane. awesome story though
Pretty Boy: I never told anyone that, so.... yeah
Pretty Boy: I was promised a sexual story from you. I'd like to cash that in now.
Me: fine
Me: one night in college, i was smoking weed with two of my teammates. joey, a runningback. marcus, a second string tight end.
Pretty Boy: I'm going to pretend I know what those are.
Me: football, dork.
Me: anyway we were in joey's apartment and his girlfriend calls him to go run outside for a minute
Me: me and marc are waiting for him, slowly getting higher and higher while watching the Bears game
Me: joey's taking forever and we look outside and his van's rockin
Me: he ditched us to bang his girl.
Me: so, me and marc decide to smoke all his weed
Pretty Boy: Understandable.
Me: right.
Me: marc also happened to be the hottest guy on the team too. tall, broad, sexy smile, faded fro. i jacked off to him in the shower cONSTANTLY.
Pretty Boy: So, you had a crush on him
Me: no. i had a fondness. for his body. there were zero feelings involved
Me: so anyway marc and i are shotgunning (this thing where you blow smoke into someone elses mouth, kinda like kissing but not really) and marc up and sticks his tongue in my mouth
Me: i never kissed another dude before and i was kind of closeted at the time, so i freaked out on him
Me: admiring a dude and actually having sex with him are two totally different things, and i couldn't handle the latter because I was literally LIVING in the closet
Me: i give him the whole "im straight, im not like that, what the fuck are you doing, you sick perv" speech
Me: and this fucker rolls his eyes and pushes me on the couch and kisses me again
Me: then, my dumb ass starts having a panic attack because im scared hes going to hurt me because of how he's got me pinned down
Me: i mean no dude has ever put the moves on me since... you know... and i was straight up hyperventilating
Me: but he doesnt notice until i start crying
Pretty Boy: Oh, my God. Derek. This isn't sexy. Were you okay?
Me: oh, it gets sexy, just wait
Pretty Boy: .........okay?
Me: marc doesnt know what to do, so hes dragging me up and taking me to joey's van to see if he or his girlfriend can figure out whats wrong with me because he thinks i smoked too much weed. he had no idea it was him making me freak out.
Me: long story short, we walk in on joey fucking his girl and somehow we end up having an orgy in the backseat of joey's van
Me: so, i'm like dick deep in joey's girl, marc is kissing my neck while joey's girl is sucking him off, and joey is watching us and beating off to it.
Me: we all wake up a couple hours later covered in cum
Me: turns out, joey filmed some of it and gave us all a copy and i still have it
Pretty Boy: That story was a fucking roller coaster.
Me: right?!
Pretty Boy: So, you have a video of college-age you having a ménage à quatre just lying around your apartment somewhere?
Me: yep
Pretty Boy: Can I borrow it?
Me: NO.
Pretty Boy: Why? You were a handsome young guy. I'm sure you looked great and Penelope and I have to watch it together and gossip
Me: what? im not handsome anymore
Pretty Boy: No. The opposite.
Me: ooh the opposite? what does that mean
Pretty Boy: You're going to make me say it?
Me: yeah.
Pretty Boy: You KNOW you're one of the most attractive men to ever exist. I don't need to verify you.
Me: but its nice to hear you say it, pretty boy.
Me: i have more sex tapes, you know
Pretty Boy: What.
Pretty Boy: W
Pretty Boy: H
Pretty Boy: A
Pretty Boy: T
Pretty Boy: How many.
Me: a little under twelve.
Pretty Boy: Gimmie.
Me: DR SPENCER REID NEITHER YOU NOR PENELOPE CANNOT HAVE, BORROW, OR VIEW ANY OF MY SEX TAPES
Pretty Boy: Please?
Me: NO
Pretty Boy: Come on, why not? It'll be fun. We can have a little Criterion Collection moment. Popcorn and everything. Look over your greatest hits. Literally.
Me: i dont let anyone im not sleeping with see them
Pretty Boy: Why?
Pretty Boy: *gasp* Do you have a small wiener?
Me: I DO NOT HAVE A SMALL WIENER
Pretty Boy: That's exactly what someone with a small wiener would say.
Me: i cant it's inappropriate
Pretty Boy: So, you can tell me that your girlfriend fakes orgasms when Conan is on, but you can't tell me how big your penis is?
Me: basically yeah
Pretty Boy: Mine's a bit over five inches, it curves a little to the left, and it's circumcised. It's not that big of a deal. It's just a penis.
Me: wHY DID YOU FUCKING TELL ME THAT !!NOW I KNOW HOW BIG YOUR DICK IS
Pretty Boy: Didn't you just say I had to be more open about sex? Now, there are rules all of a sudden?
Me: DOESNT MATTER IM NOT TELLING YOU HOW BIG MY DICK IS
Pretty Boy: Fine. Can you just tell me if it's bigger or smaller than mine?
Me: .... i cant you'll say something
Pretty Boy: I WONT I SWEAR
Me: youre going to tell the whole office!! penny almost did when she saw it
Pretty Boy: Penelope SAW IT? How the hell did that happen?
Me: we're very close we've seen each other naked way too many times none of which were sexual
Me: but its not about that
Pretty Boy: Then, what's it about?
Me: fine. i'll tell you the issue, but i won't tell you the size
Pretty Boy: So secretive. Gosh.
Me: it's BIG. like really big. i mean HUGE.
Pretty Boy: Mmm hmm.
Me: you dont believe me
Pretty Boy: I don't.
Me: Spencer.
Pretty Boy: Look, it's fine if you have a small penis, Derek. It's not the size that matters. It's all about how well you listen to your partner.
Me: no
Me: just believe me. its big af
Pretty Boy: Well, since you're being so aloof about this whole thing. I'll send you something.
Pretty Boy: It's just your body. No need to be ashamed of it. We're all beautiful the way we are.
Me: please dont send me a dick pic
Pretty Boy: I'm sending you one
Me: SPENCER REID I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU CANT SEND ME DICK PICS
Pretty Boy: It's not a "dick pic" dick pic.
Pretty Boy: We're friends, so it's different.
Me: no, spencer you don't understand you cant send me a di
Pretty Boy: [image]
Me: ........wow
Me: ....that's the most beautiful penis ive ever seen in my entire life
Pretty Boy: Thank you. :) So is yours.
Pretty Boy: Speaking of...
Pretty Boy: Your turn.
Me: i am only doing this because you sent me a full on picture of your dick and now the leverage we have on each other is uneven
Pretty Boy: Yes!
Pretty Boy: Is this what male bonding feels like?
Me: no
Me: definitely not
Pretty Boy: Okay, I'm ready.
Me: [image]
Pretty Boy: ............
Pretty Boy: .......
Pretty Boy: ...............
Me: are you okay?
Pretty Boy: No.
Me: its too big isn't it? weird?
Pretty Boy: I have to go.
Pretty Boy: I left my iron on.
Pretty Boy: And my stove and my oven and every electric appliance in the house
Pretty Boy: It's going to take a while to fix so I'll just say good night now. Goodnight
Me: did that just turn you on
Me: oh my god it turned you on
Me: are you wacking off right now
Me: holy shit lol
Me: im strangely proud of that
Me: goodnight then, you chicken choker
Mon, Dec 16, 1:15pm
Pretty Boy: Penelope is having a movie night at her place after work. Do you want in?
Me: me and savannah have plans already
Pretty Boy: Okay, cool.
Mon, Dec 16, 10:47pm
Pretty Boy: We're in the middle of Mean Girls. This movie is actually pretty funny.
Mon, Dec 16, 11:06pm
Me: i cant text right now
Spencer: Why not?
Me: because im at dinner with savannah
Reid: Oh, sorry.
Me: its cool. shes in the bathroom.
Agent Reid: How's the dinner going?
Me: tense. things have been a little weird between us since I told her.
Agent Dr. Reid: Tense how?
Me: tense like she doesnt trust me anymore
Dr. Spencer Reid: Whoa, that sucks. But you two are rock solid. You're gonna work it out.
Me: gotta go shes coming back ttyl
Dr. Spencer Reid: Bye.
Tue, Dec 17, 12:24am
Me: are you home
Dr. Spencer Reid: Just got in the door. Why?
Me: im coming over.
Dr. Spencer Reid: What's wrong? Is everything okay?
Me: no
Dr. Spencer Reid: I'm worried. Should you be driving right now? Do you want me to come to you?
Me: youre right. i cant drive like this. come over.
Dr. Spencer Reid: I'm getting in the car right now.
Tue, Dec 18, 7:12am
Me: you left your tie in the bathroom. should i give it to you at work
Dr. Spencer Reid: No. It'll raise suspicion.
Me: but we didn't do anything
Dr. Spencer Reid: I know, but I don't want people thinking we did.
Me: why
Dr. Spencer Reid: Because we work with a group of highly trained behavioral specialists. The tie will just be conformation.
Me: conformation of what
Dr. Spencer Reid: That I slept over.
Me: you did sleep over.
Dr. Spencer Reid: You know what I mean.
Me: so why does it matter if people think were having sex
Tue, Dec 18, 9:34am
Me: Spencerrrrrrrr
Me: Spencer
Me: hey dude
Me: babe
Me: kiddoooo
Dr. Spencer Reid: WHAT
Me: why does it matter if people think were having sex
Reid: I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING WITH HOTCH AND HE SAW THAT TEXT YOU ARE DEAD
Me: oh shit
Tue, Dec 18, 9:44pm
Pretty Boy: The phone was on the desk on silent because you were texting too much and he saw the sex text and gave me this really long lecture on having sex with coworkers and how it's a bad idea I hate you
Me: did you tell him were not screwing
Pretty Boy: Yes. Wasn't enough.
Me: damn son
Pretty Boy: Yeah, I know.
Me: sorry
Pretty Boy: It's fine.
Me: you gonna answer the question
Pretty Boy: ???
Me: why does it matter if people think were having sex
Pretty Boy: Because we're friends. Friends don't have sex.
Me: yeah they do. savannah and i had friendly sex for months before we dated
Pretty Boy: Yeah, and look at how that worked out.
Pretty Boy: You two broke up.
Pretty Boy: I don't want to be mad at you.
Pretty Boy: I definitely don't want you to be mad at me.
Pretty Boy: Or sad. I don't want to make you sad like you were sad yesterday.
Pretty Boy: Gosh, you were so sad. I can't imagine being the one to make you feel like that.
Pretty Boy: We can't sleep together.
Pretty Boy: We can't.
Me: Kid. I gotta confess man...
Pretty Boy: Yeah?
Me: i love you
Me: but you know that? don't you
Pretty Boy: Yes, i know.
Me: i didnt love her
Pretty Boy: You didn't?
Me: no. i thought i could. but the feelings never came.
Pretty Boy: Wow. But you love me, how does that work out?
Me: i didn't think i had a shot
Pretty Boy: Well, you do.
Me: i do?
Pretty Boy: Yes.
Pretty Boy: I mean, I love you too.
Pretty Boy: I've loved you for longer than I can remember. You're my best friend.
Me: no, pretty boy, i mean i LOVE you. like hearts and shit.
Pretty Boy: And I LOVE you too. Hearts and shit.
Me: oh.
Pretty Boy: Yeah. Thought I made myself pretty clear at the doorframe when we, well...
Me: kissed our fucking brains out like it was our last moment alive?
Pretty Boy: A little poetic, but yes.
Me: well
Pretty Boy: Did I make things awkward?
Me: No!
Me: kind of
Me: but, good awkward.
Pretty Boy: Well, I'm falling asleep a bit. Mind if I text you later?
Me: no please. go to sleep. see you.
Pretty Boy: bye
Me: love you
Pretty Boy: Love you too.
Wed, Dec 20, 3:27am
Pretty Boy: When you said you loved me, what did that mean?
Wed, Dec 20, 5:31am
Me: it means that i'll do anything for you. anything. you're my ride or die man. i have your back, you have mine. were friends, yeah, but i also care about you. i want to make you happy. I want to make you smile. just the thought of you hurt or sad... i cant deal with that. i cant let it happen. i wont let it happen. i love you.
Pretty Boy: Really?
Me: yeh
Pretty Boy: Ditto.
Me: lol for real?
Pretty Boy: Would I be smiling into my pillow like an idiot if I didn't just read something that says exactly how I feel?
Me: jesus i wish i could see your smile
Tues, Dec 21, 7:21am
Me: i think theres something in my house
Me: if i die please erase my computer history
Me: wait no it was just my dog
Me: sorry about that
Me: so now that im textin you whats up hows it going
My Love: I'm okay. Halfway through brushing my teeth.
My Love: Nice excuse to start texting me, though. Good job thinking outside of the box on that one.
Me: well, i am fbi
My Love: Me too. Whoa. What a coincidence.
Me: lol xp
My Love: Well, since you're not getting chased down in your house by a monster and I'm no longer contractually obliged to steal your electronics, I guess I'll see you at work
Me: wait wait
My Love: What?
Me: about what we said this morning
My Love: What about it?
Me: it was really dope and I'm glad you feel the same way ad
My Love: :)
Me: so i was wonderin...
My Love: Yes?
Me: should we like go on a date or something
My Love: Well... with the timing of it all, and the case we just got called into across the country, and your recent break up, I really don't think it's a good idea right now...
Me: ok cool c u at work
My Love: Talk to you later.
Tues, Dec 22, 11:38am
My Love: Are you on your way to the jet?
Me: yeh
My Love: Okay, good. I had an idea about the profile, but I'm the only one on the plane and it's super awkward because I want to tell people but no one's here yet/
Me: call hotch
My Love: Well, it's not THAT good an idea. I want to bounce it off of someone first just to make sure I'm not crazy.
Me: you are crazy
My Love: XP
Me: me and jj are almost there she drives so damn slow omfg
My Love: Can I tell you my hypothesis now?
Me: yeh sure
My Love: So, you know how the unsub has been kidnapping at only one time of night?
Me: yeh
My Love: Maybe he's doing that because that's the only time he's available. Maybe he has one of those graveyard shifts that ends at 4am and since he's always on his way home at the same time, his neighbors don't think anything's up with him getting back home ta the same time.
My Love: I mean, the unsub is doing this in a small town suburb. Everybody talks there. Suspicious activity would have been reported almost immediately. Especially people coming in and out of the house at 4/5 in the morning.
My Love: I don't know for sure, it's just speculation. Do you think I'm on to something, or no?
Me: definitely. im calling hotch
Me: and taking all of the credit for it
My Love: HEY
My Love: HEY HEY
My Love: THATS MY IDEA YOU CANT JUST
My Love: I take back what I said this morning. You suck.
Me: love you too
Thurs, Dec 24, 6:48am
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Just got on the plane.
Me: good stay safe and call me when you land
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Okay. You do the same, please.
Me: ard got you
Thurs, Dec 24, 9:01am
Me: just got on the plane to chicago. i know you wont get this b/c youre on the plane but just wanted to make sure u knew
Thurs, Dec 24, 10:35am
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Arrived in Vegas. Got your text. Call me when you land.
Thurs, Dec 24, 12:16pm
Me: in chicago im gonna call u
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: :)
Fri, Dec 25, 9:38am
Me: merry christmas nerd
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Merry Christmas, Weirdo.
Me: u with ur mom
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Just got into Bennington's. I'm taking her to brunch and then we're going to church.
Me: ur going to church?! omg lol
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Yeah, I know. She wanted to do it, so I guess that's what we're doing.
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: What are you and your family up to?
Me: well i hauled all of these gifts downstairs last night because apparently im santa
Me: even though im the youngest
Me: fuck knows how that happened
Me: in about five minutes im going to run into all of their rooms and throw those little fake gunshot kernels on the floor and scare the shit out of them
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: lol! What a wonderful brother. Those lucky girls.
Me: u should see what i have planned for my mom
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Dear Lord.
Me: damn right
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Okay, I'm at my mom's place. I gotta go.
Me: ttyl
Me: for real though, merry christmas. have a good holiday. eat lots of food. come back happier. give ms. diana a hug for me!!
Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: I will. You too. Give Ms. Francie a kiss on the cheek for me too!
Fri, Dec 25, 2:52pm
Me: where are my christmas dick pics
Pretty Boy: Shut up.
Me: well u were eager as fuck to send em through a couple days ago. where's that energy now?
Pretty Boy: I swear... if you dont stop texting me like this in front of my mother...
Me: look they keep playing the chestnuts roasting on an open fire song and I can't stop thinking about you know... Santa's sack
Me: and by Santa's sack, I mean your balls
Pretty Boy: DEREK. IT'S THE DAY OF OUR LORD.
Me: since when are you Catholic
Pretty Boy: IM TURNING MY PHONE OFF UNTIL YOU GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF
Me: lame.
Me: hey spence come on
Me: i was just playin
Me: don't do me like this man
Me: hey... idea. ill sprint over to my childhood bedroom and send you some nudes since ur phone is off and all.
Me: it'll actually help get the engines going tbh. discovered a lot about myself in there.
Me: can't wait until you get surprised by this.
Me: time to get all situated in my room. mmm nice and warm in here.
Me: down go the the drawers hope ur mamas not around
Pretty Boy: You are my least favorite person.
Me: HAHA CALLED YOUR BLUFF KNEW YOUR PHONE WAS STILL ON
Fri, Dec 25, 7:26pm
Me: Dr. Spencer Reid, I just wanted to let you know that I'm super, super in love with you. You're so pretty. I want to stare at you all day long. I keep a picture of you under my pillow. I cry whenever someone says your name. I'm in love with you. Marry me. Be my special little prince. Have my babies. We'll rule our cuddly little love kingdom together forever.
Fri, Dec 25, 8:02pm
Lover Boy: So, was that Desiree, Sarah, or both of them?
Me: what are you talking about
Lover Boy: Scroll up.
Me: OMFG I AM GONNA KILL THEM DEAD I SWEAR TO GOD I AM ABOUT TO BECOME OUR NEXT UNSUB IM NOT MESSING AROUND THIS TIME THEY ARE DEAD MEAT THEY ARE SO DEAD
Me: THEY LOCKED THEMSELVES IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE STUFFING AND CHARDONNAY
Me: THEY COULD BE IN THERE FOR DAYS
Me: LITERALLY
Me: NOW THEYRE LAUGHING AT ME
Me: THOSE HARPIES!! I AM EMAILING ALL OF THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND BOSSES
Lover Boy: lol it was funny. I showed it to my mom. She laughed.
Me: i hate them
Me: they even changed your name in my contacts list
Lover Boy: What is it?
Me: you are now "Lover Boy"
Lover Boy: Oh, my God. -///-
Me: is that your attempt at a blushy emoji
Lover Boy: Yes.
Me: dont blush for them!! they are the enemy
Lover Boy: Yeah, but you didn't change it back, did you?
Me: ..............not yet
Lover Boy: -///-
Me: u should have seen what it was before
Lover Boy: What was it?
Me: "Ridiculously Handsome Coworker"
Lover Boy: -/////////////-
Me: im kind of proud of that one.
Lover Boy: There have been others?!
Me: yeh
Lover Boy: Tell me them! XD
Me: nah you've gotta earn the rest
Lover Boy :(
Me: no dont frowny face
Lover Boy: :( :( :( :(
Me: goddamnit fine
Lover Boy: :)
Me: its floated between "Reid" and "Pretty Boy" for a while, but that's not news to you
Lover Boy: I know for a fact thats not all of them
Me: now im all blushy face
Me: crap sarah and dez just got out the bathroom
Me: THEYRE COMING THIS WAY
Me: THEYREE TAKING THE FONE
Me: DONT LISTEN TO A WORD THEY SYAYYYY
Me: Dr. Spencer Reid, you are the love of my life. You are a pretty pretty prince, and I will be your princess! Please love me! I'll cry if you don't! You're the prettiest pretty boy ever and it would positively break my heart if I didn't get to smooch you!!
Me: GOT IT I GOT THE PHONE IGNORE THAT MESSAGEE
Me: Marry me, I love you
Me: You're so perfect and cute and sweet I wuv wuv WUV YOU! Can't wait to snuggle wuggle with you the moment I see you again. You're my sun and stars. I'm just counting down the minutes until I get to run my fingers through your pretty pretty Boy hair
Me: I WILL KILL THEM DEAD
Me: CURRENTLY KILLING THEM
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT SCREW IT IM TELLING MOM
Lover Boy: lol I kind of wish I was there right now
Fri, Dec 25, 10:24pm
Me: mom says you're invited to easter dinner
Fri, Dec 25, 11:46pm
Lover Boy: Sounds like fun. Can't wait.
Me: you on your way to the plane>
Lover Boy: Yeah. I'm in the taxi now.
Me: same
Lover Boy: Really? I thought you were flying out tomorrow.
Me: i made up a fake case so that i could get out of there.
Me: desiree found a way to take screenshots of my messages to you and emailed them to herself
Me: they're reading them aloud around the tree and my mom is doing literally nothing to stop them
Me: im so embarrassed i could die
Lover Boy: They didn't get to the dick pics though, did they?
Me: i have no way of knowing
Lover Boy: Eek. I really hope your mom and sisters don't see my penis.
Me: DUDE I HOPE THEY DONT SEE MINE
Lover Boy: What are you going to do? Steal the emails?
Me: not anymore. it's impossible now. im taking a red eye and getting back to DC as soon as God will allow.
Lover Boy: Wait, which red eye?
Me: the one at 3:15am
Lover Boy: I have a layover in Chicago at 2am and I'm actually going to be on the 3:15 too. Wanna meet and get some food? I only ate at brunch and I'm famished.
Me: I'll stop by some place and pick something up so that it's ready for you when you get here.
Lover Boy: Thanks, love you.
Lover Boy: I mean.
Lover Boy: .... I mean...
Me: its okay love you too
Sat, Dec 26, 6:58am
Lover Boy: You didn't have to walk me to my door like that, you know? I'm a grown man. I can look after myself.
Me: boy if you don't let me treat you right and make sure you know i got ur back and wanna keep you safe.
Me: besides what makes you think I wasn't just trying to hold ur hand and see you for a little bit before we separated for the night
Lover Boy: -///-
Me: and no way i was passing up an opportunity to kiss you again. like i wanted to. every day. since the first time we kissed.
Me: wit ur fine ass
Lover Boy: You literally flirted with me for five hours and you're still not done.
Me: im going for a record what about it?
Me: do I need to come back up there and kiss you again or are you gonna be a dork
Lover Boy: Yes.. yes, you do. You need to kiss me approximately twelve more times before I stop being a dork about it
Me: lol good night. love you.
Lover Boy: Love you too.
Sat, Dec 26, 4:03pm
Lover Boy: It's so weird waking up at 4
Me: u just woke me up. ur a turnip
Lover Boy: lol Good morning.
Me: no
Lover Boy: XP
Sat, Dec 26, 7:32pm
Me: penny just texted me. she and jj are getting drinks at the Tavern. u in?
Lover Boy: Sure. Just let me take a shower first.
Me: *eyebrow wiggle*
Lover Boy: Grow up.
Me: ooh pretty boy in the shower. thanks for the spank bank material
Lover Boy: And you guys call ME the nerd lol
Me: bowchickawowwow
Lover Boy: I'm saving your number in here under "Annoying Asshole"
Me: good. youre saved in my phone as "Turnip Looking Motherfucker"
Lover Boy: No, I'm not.
Me: oh yeah?
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Yeah.
Sun, Dec 27, 10:22am
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I miss you.
Me: i miss u too
Me: what r u up to
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Watching yesterday's Dr. Who
Me: how is it
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Good. Kind of wish you were here.
Me: damn im in brooklyn
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Why?
Me: my guy jeremy called me about a complex in the upper east side and we might contract it together. im a half hour from it. we're gonna check it out.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Whoa, that's a big deal. Are you going to do it?
Me: idk if i can handle an entire complex. its a full time gig and its not like i dont already have a full time job
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: And you'd be in New York all the time :(
Me: im not leaving quantico, kid. i cant. there's too much there for me
Me: ive got the job
Me: my houses
Me: my dog
Me: my friends
Me: my you
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Your me?
Me: yeah my you
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: .......what does that mean
Me: that youre my thing
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Your thing?
Me: youre a guy that i like.
Me: and a guy that i want to hang out with
Me: and make laugh
Me: and make smile
Me: and kiss on the lips and stuff
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: You want to kiss me on the lips?
Me: yeh like a lot
Me: youve got the prettiest mouth man i swear
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: -///-
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: And stuff. You said "stuff" what does that mean?
Me: come on man you know what that means
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Yeah, but I want to be sure. I don't want to assume
Me: i want to make u cum on a bear skin rug next to a roaring fireplace under the starlight
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: lol how is the fireplace outside? And if I cum ON the bear skin rug... aren't I ruining something you paid about $4,000 for?
Me: semantics
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: It's okay. My fantasies aren't practical either.
Me: ha i know lol Penelope told me about that sex dream you had about me on Hotch's desk like five years ago
Me: for real though if youre up for it, i would be game to give you a tour of the Morgan master suite
Me: the bed frames are quite detailed though, so you're going to have to spend a solid hour facing them to notice the intricacies of the structure.
Me: protip - you can see it better on your hands and knees.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Nice tip. But, I should warn you... I'm not much of a pillow princess. At all.
Me: youre not?
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: No.
Me: what does that mean
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: ???
Me: you said "no. not at all."
Me: are you like really dommy or something
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: No, I just really like giving pleasure.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I'm also very into sex positivity and equality in the bedroom, so I like to give just as much (if not more) than I get. I wouldn't get off just laying there.
Me: well u haven't boned me yet, so.... don't sound so sure ;)
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: No, like I'm sure it would be nice for a moment but I'm more of an active partner. I can't really describe it, but I feel energetic and responsive and... dutiful in a way. My body wouldn't let me do nothing.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Wait.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Is this sexting?
Me: not really no
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: How will I know if I'm sexting?
Me: oh, you'll know. dont worry.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: How?
Me: you'll have a boner in one hand and your phone in the other. are you like that now
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Like with the dick pics last week?
Me: not exactly, i mean constantly. like what are you doing now? are you touching yourself?
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: No. I'm eating Fiddle Faddle in old sweats. My fingers are covered in caramel and I'm not aroused in the slightest.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Then again, Peter Capaldi is on my screen, so it just might happen...
Me: eww not capaldi he's a literal senior citizen
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I like his swagger.
Me: turning off my phone now
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: haha the great Derek Morgan cant handle the sexiness of Doctor 12.
Me: good bye
Mon, Dec 28, 7:16am
Me: ur tie is still in my house wtf
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Bring it to the office and slide it to me real sneaky like.
Me: that has to be the most suspicious thing ive ever heard
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Well, unless you invite me over, that's the only other way I'd be able to get it.
Me: ok just come over tonight at like seven
Me: if there happens to be a three course meal and candlelight, that's just a happy accident
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: You really want this date, don't you?
Me: wont stop till i get it
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Fine. I won't wear a tie when I get there. Give me my tie back and then, I'll be dressed for the occasion.
Me: u could honestly wear jeans, i dont care.
Me: i dont think its possible for u to look bad
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: That's it, I'm wearing a tux.
Me: ctfu
Me: Dude.
Me: dude nooo dont wear a tux
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Too late. I already have it laid out on the couch.
Me: you know what, imma wear one too.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: If we're putting this much effort into it, we should probably go somewhere nice.
Me: there's a restaurant like five miles from my place called Osaka Saga and its like super fancy want me to make a reservation
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Sure, why not.
Mon, Dec 27, 6:22pm
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Should I do my hair too?
Me: if you do your hair, i'll do mine
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Derek, you don't have hair lol
Me: *GASP* OMG I HAD NO IDEA WHAT
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: lololol XD
Me: hey ;) you know me. BBC
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Oh, my God, Derek..
Me: i meant "Bald By Choice" get your mind out of the gutter.
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I can't laugh in this suit, stop it.
Me: do your hair, you lil qt
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: "QT"?
Me: "cutie"
Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I thought I looked like a turnip.
Me: a cute turnip
Cute Turnip: -///- I'll be ready in ten.
Mon, Dec 27, 11:41pm
Cute Turnip: So, that was one hell of a goodbye.
Me: ummm yeh!!!! it was :):):)
Cute Turnip: I hope it's not weird if I say you're a really good kisser.
Me: its not weird at all
Me: its a true fact im awesome at it
Me: kind of want to do it again
Cute Turnip: Get in here.
Me: are you serious
Cute Turnip: Dead serious.
Cute Turnip: I need your lips. Back on my skin. Everywhere. But especially my neck. Holy shit, you kissed the fuck out of my neck.
Me: yes baby. keep telling me how much you want it
Cute Turnip: But, I want to touch you now.
Me: im not a screw-on-the-first-date kind of guy
Cute Turnip: Me neither. We don't have to have sex. Just come up here and kiss me again.
Me: i dont trust myself enough to kiss you once
Me: the way you look in that tux
Me: baby
Me: and the way you melt under me when we ....oh, pretty boy
Me: i. want. you. bad.
Me: even though i would go up there in a heartbeat and fuck you until you fall apart, im not going to do it baby i respect you
Cute Turnip: Disrespect me.
Cute Turnip: All over my couch.
Cute Turnip: Disrespect me on my living room wall.
Cute Turnip: Disrespect me on top of my kitchen counter.
Cute Turnip: Disrespect me in my bed until we break it.
Me: fuck baby keep going
Cute Turnip: I need to take this tux off. It's killing me rn
Me: i am literally driving with Siri reading out loud everything youre texting me
Me: i am having the weirdest phone sex with Siri
Cute Turnip: LOL should i leave you two alone
Me: fuck no man
Me: im breaking speed limits trying to get home so i can get these fucking pants off and cum all over my hand without it being a chargeable offense
Cute Turnip: Fuck it. I'm taking off the tux.
Me: im changing your name again. thank god for red lights.
Sexy Boy: Is it something hot?
Me: oh, yeh. u were "Cute Turnip" before this, and thats no longer applicable b/c u are sooooo fucking hot. too hot to be "cute".
Sexy Boy: lol ;) How far are you from home?
Me: 2 mins
Sexy Boy: Just enough time for me to get out of these clothes...
Me: what are you wearing under it
Sexy Boy: Nothing.
Me: fuck fuck fuckkk u werent wearing any underwear all night?!??!
Sexy Boy: Nope.
Me: i want to fuck the shit out of you right now like i really do
Me: you have no idea. u sat there all night with me commando as fuck and you knew. you knew the whole time.
Me: yOU ARE SUCH A BAD BOY
Sexy Boy: You gonna spank me? I'll let you. I deserve it for being so bad.
Me: i will cum in my pants while im driving man i swear to god
Sexy Boy: Be safe. Should I stop texting you? Even with Siri... idk I'm getting a little worried about you. I can wait.
Me: i am driving with one hand and palming my dick with the other. ill be fine.
Me: tell me what youre wearing.
Me: right. now.
Sexy Boy: I'm already out of my jacket.
Sexy Boy: My tie is hanging undone.
Sexy Boy: I'm unbuttoning my shirt slowly, biting my lip.
Sexy Boy: I want to get on my knees for you. Can I suck you? Please?
Me: dude dude fuck
Sexy Boy: Would you like that? Would you like me to run my warm, wet tongue slowly up your cock? Would you like me to tease the head with my lips? Would you like that?
Me: i cant breathe im so hard i cant breathe
Sexy Boy: I would suck you so gently. Licking, licking, sucking. So soft. So slow. Tease you to the edge.
Sexy Boy: And, then, I'd push you onto my bed.
Me: and....
Sexy Boy: Are you home yet? .
Me: yeh. turning Siri off. just pulled into the driveway
Sexy Boy: Just make sure you don't pull out. ;)
Me: fuck baby youve got such a fucking nasty mouth i love it
Me: never would have thought
Me: u behave so well at work
Me: such a nice boy
Me: i had no idea you could be so... sexually confident
Sexy Boy: Hey, I mean, I'm not the most secure in my appearance, but I know for a fact that I suck a mean dick.
Me: u do?
Sexy Boy: My specialty is making my partners cum in under a minute.
Me: u made me drop my keys
Sexy Boy: lol good.
Sexy Boy: Between you and me, performing oral sex.... it's my favorite, honestly. More satisfying than fucking.
Me: what? how? i mean i'll suck dick if i gotta and i'll eat a girl out for a little bit out of courtesy, but... dude. how? how do you like that more than sex
Sexy Boy: I like penetrative sex. It's fun. It's connective. Everybody's genitals are getting attention, it's great.
Sexy Boy: But, sucking cock?
Sexy Boy: Mmm. It gets me OFF. Stretching my lips wide, taking it all in, down my throat, swallowing, getting my mouth fucked. Stuffing my face full of dick, sucking and sucking and sucking until he grabs my hair and cums in my mouth. Feels so good. SO fucking good.
Sexy Boy: But, pussy... DEREK I could lick pussy until my tongue cramps up. I fucking LOVE licking pussy. Get my face all in her, my lips all wet, rubbing my nose and tongue up her slit, mumbling French against her clit, she's moaning, she's begging, she's coming over and over. FUCK I love licking pussy.
Sexy Boy: I love making people cum. Can I make you cum?
Me: yes PLEASE man fuck im so amazingly blindsided by this i can't believe you got this kind of mouth on you did I win the lottery
Sexy Boy: When my dick is hard, I'm a completely different person.
Me: no you're not. u were just hiding it. mmm but it's out and ohhh my god you were already hot but you are now so much sexier than literally everybody else.
Me: im in my room
Sexy Boy: Are you laying down? You're going to want to be laying down.
Me: yeh
Sexy Boy: Good, because I've already licked your cock until it leaked precome all over my face. Now, I want more.
Sexy Boy: Can I push you onto your bed now?
Sexy Boy: Can I get a little rough with you, Derek?
Me: fuck baby please boss me around
Sexy Boy: I'm kicking off my pants and climbing over you, crawling up the bed.
Me: im watching you make your way over. damn youre so beautiful
Sexy Boy: I'm straddling you now, rubbing my hard cock against your crotch.
Me: im running my hands up your thighs. feel my hands on your body baby. feel me touching you, caressing your skin. fuck just thinking about you fuckin touching me like that and talking to you like that... baby your perfect
Sexy Boy: You feel so good. Your hands are so big and warm, Derek, fuck.
Sexy Boy: Look me in the eyes as I unzip your pants.
Me: im taking my belt off. looking you in the eyes.
Sexy Boy: I'm biting the tip of your belt and running my fingers down your chest. God, those pecs those abs those fucking tattoos. Kiss me.
Me: im kissing you. kissing your neck.
Sexy Boy: oh, Daddy...
Me: fuck call me that again
Sexy Boy: Mmm, Daddy please.
Me: im sucking a mark into your pretty skin baby biting your collarbone nibbling on your ear baby youre so gorgeous
Sexy Boy: I'm digging my fingernails into your biceps oh god oh fuck me please fuck me
Me: not yet baby not before i slap that ass
Sexy Boy: Then stop talking about it and spank me before you kiss me too good on my neck and end this early
Me: your ass is so delicious I just wanna smack it and finger it and kiss it and eat it for dessert
Sexy Boy: ...I'm taking out the plug I put in myself this afternoon.
Me: YOU DID NOT PUT A PLUG IN
Me: WAS IT IN DURING DINNER
Sexy Boy: Yeah.
Sexy Boy: But let me explain.
Sexy Boy: Okay, so I'm really kinky......
Me: HOLY SHIT MAN YOU ARE INSANE I LOVE IT
Me: we'll talk about this later because i have the biggest hard on right now
Me: youre taking your fucking plug out
Me: and youre open and wet for me already
Sexy Boy: So ready. Fuck me, please fuck me.
Sexy Boy: I'm so empty, Derek, fill me up.
Sexy Boy: I need your dick. I need it now.
Me: u feel so good inside
Sexy Boy: Yes. Yes. I'm riding you.
Me: baby fuck me please
Sexy Boy: I've got a toy with me
Sexy Boy: Can I use it?
Me: how big is it
Sexy Boy: 6 inches.
Me: please
Me: are u putting it in you
Me: fuck youre putting it in
Me: how does it feel
Sexy Boy: Oh, my God, fuck.
Me: are you full
Sexy Boy: I'm gonna cum.
Me: yeah
Me: you gonna cum for me
Sexy Boy: I will. For you. All for you
Sexy Boy: Fuck me first
Sexy Boy: Give it to me, Derek
Sexy Boy: Fuck me
Me: im fucking you so hard
Sexy Boy: I want it, I want it, I want it
Me: youre taking my dick so good baby
Me: ur taking it so good
Me: good job baby
Sexy Boy: Fuck, I'm gonna cum so hard
Sexy Boy: Fuck, I want to cum
Sexy Boy: I want to cum
Sexy Boy: fuck me fuck nme dEREK fuck me drive me crazy
Me: can i let go in you baby can i fill you up
Sexy Boy: yes please cum in me
Sexy Boy: I want it i want all of your cum
Me: im gonna give it all to you baby youre getting all of it all of it fucking keep riding me with your hair all in your face and your chest all red and blushing for me bite your pretty lips for me omfg those fucking lips
Me: pretty boy youre so fucking tight so tight
Sexy Boy: RIGHT THERE RIGHT THERE YES im so close
Me: fuck i want to fuck you so bad i want to be in you nOW ID FUCK THE SOUL OUT OF YOU BABY ID HAVE YOU SCREAMING
Me: right on the edge
Me: fuck
Me: youre so fucking hot
Sexy Boy: FUCK YOURE making me cum youre making me come youre makingmec
Me: are you cumming
Sexy Boy: xcc
Sexy Boy: iKKDKUUuhhmg
Me: youre cumming arent you fuck
Sexy Boy: YES
Me: oh my fuck youre so hot
Me: inside you inside you spencer watching you cum on my dick ride it ride it
Me: ride it baby
Sexy Boy: Derek, I made a huge mess.
Me: i made you cum?
Sexy Boy: All over my sheets.
Me: fffffffck baby
Tues, Dec 28, 12:04am
Sexy Boy: Wow.
Me: shit
Sexy Boy: Huh.
Me: i know rite
Sexy Boy: I've never sexted before, was that okay?
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
Sexy Boy: No.
Me: A+
Me: you killed it great job
Sexy Boy: Good.
Sexy Boy: ...
Sexy Boy: Well, that was enjoyable. Thanks for the... orgasm.
Me: yeah of course anytime.
Sexy Boy: Yeah. Ditto :)
Sexy Boy: I absolutely must change my sheets. So... see you tomorrow.
Me: c u later kid
Me: wait a second how would you mess up your sheets that bad if you were on your back
Sexy Boy: ...I wasn't.
Me: :)))) were you in doggy?
Sexy Boy: Good night
Me: well well well
Sexy Boy: I was thinking about it after we talked. Just... don't get all Derek about it, okay? Good Night. Bye.
Tues, Dec 28 6:32am
Me: good morning
Sexy Boy: Hey, good morning.
Me: i slept so good last night
Sexy Boy: Same. We're going to have to do that again. Soon.
Me: wanna do it now
Sexy Boy: You woke up hard, didn't you?
Me: yep
Sexy Boy: I guess I can get it up for you
Me: yayy
Sexy Boy: lol I'm gonna need a little help from the audience
Me: Oh, yeah sorry.
Me: so i call you into my office, right? youve been bad very bad
Me: you bad boy
Me: and spank you and stuff
Me: yes
Me: Are you hard yet?
Sexy Boy: I AM LAUGHING SO LOUD RIGHT NOW
Sexy Boy: No, I'm not hard!
Sexy Boy: rotfl wHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE
Sexy Boy: lolololol
Me: no need to be rude
Sexy Boy: "and spank you and stuff"
Sexy Boy: I can't breathe
Sexy Boy: That was funny. Wow. I needed that.
Sexy Boy: Alright, I'll see you at work, man.
Me: but wait what about sexting
Sexy Boy: You were serious?
Me: yeh
Sexy Boy: Okay, Derek. How about later? I'll lead it.
Me: okay...
Sexy Boy: I gotta hop in the shower. Byee
Me: :( bye
Me: if anything comes up in there, think of me, okay?
Sexy Boy: I promise, I will. lol
Sexy Boy: lol omg "and spank you and stuff"
Sexy Boy: haha dude that was awesome
Me: i fucking hate you
Wed, Dec 29, 8:07am
Cute Turnip: JJ says hurry up
Me: tell her to shut it
Me: im omw
Cute Turnip: "OMW"?
Me: "On My Way"
Cute Turnip: Oh, okay.
Cute Turnip: JJ just called you a bad word
Wed, Dec 29, 2:12pm
Me: toasted bun, no mayo, no onion?
Cute Turnip: Perfect!
Me: awesome ttyl
Wed, Dec 29, 9:44pm
Cute Turnip: Are you alone?
Me: nah at penny's place
Cute Turnip: Too bad.
Cute Turnip: Because I'm spread out on my bed completely naked with my fingers buried inside of me.
Cute Turnip: But, that's okay. Since you're not coming over, I'll just stop masturbating, get in my biggest, baggiest PJs and reread the Encyclopedia of Aerian Species again.
Me: waIT WAIT NO IM GOING TO THE BATHROOM KEEP FINGERING YOURSELF
Me: HOLD ON
Me: KEEP THOSE HANDS WORKING
Cute Turnip: You sure? Or, I could just take a picture and send it to you.
Me: DO both
Cute Turnip: Pick one.
Cute Turnip: Either sext me in the bathroom right now, or get four quality pictures at any time tonight (I pick the time)
Me: fuck
Me: thats a really hard decision
Cute Turnip: Speaking of hard...
Me: youre making it worse
Cute Turnip: You have fifteen seconds, or I choose for you.
Me: DAMMIT FUCK
Cute Turnip: Ten seconds
Me: Wait, wait, idk yet
Cute Turnip: Five seconds
Me: PICTURES I CHOOSE PICTURES
Cute Turnip: Wonderful choice. You will receive them within the hour.
Me: but when?
Cute Turnip: Whenever I want. I kind of want them spread out.
Me: well, i can't stay in the bathroom for an hour, and we just started Top Gun, i can't go home now. she's gonna know something is up and she does NOT approve of me banging someone else so close to a break up she's said this to me personally. plus she's smart as fuck and will know it's you and work will be brutal for the both of us if this gets out. Just think of all the paperwork well have to fill out in HR.
Cute Turnip: You should have thought of that before. I was going to chose sexting and my surprise for that choice would be calling you old school style. You said something about liking my voice when we kissed yesterday... and I was gonna say your name like you wouldn't believe
Me: fuck
Cute Turnip: TTFN
Me: fuckkk
Me: these better be some damn good photos
Thurs, Dec 30, 10:03pm
Me: those were some damn good photos. what do you use, a selfie stick?
Cute Turnip: No, my arms are just disproportionately long.
Me: penny saw the artistic one
Cute Turnip: They're all artistic
Me: the one where your booty is like half in shade and half in light
Cute Turnip: Oh, the classy one.
Me: lol yeah that one
Cute Turnip: If you're going to take nudes, they'd better be tasteful. You know?
Me: she asked who it was
Cute Turnip: YOU DIDNT TELL HER DID YOU
Me: no.
Me: and youre saved in my phone under "turnip" again, so im sure she doesn't know who it is
Me: but she did say that she thought the beauty mark on your left cheek "added character"
Cute Turnip: It's a freckle. What's she talking about?
Me: idk but she wanted to see the rest
Cute Turnip: YOU DIDNT SHOW HER THOUGH RIGHT
Me: no way. i want to be the only man lucky enough to see shot #2
Cute Turnip: You mean, the one with the dildo in my mouth?
Me: yeh, thats a prize shot. good job on that one.
Me: your lips.....
Me: do you know what DSL means
Cute Turnip: No.
Me: google it and get back to me
Cute Turnip: Okay. Googling on my phone.
Cute Turnip: Loading.
Cute Turnip: Oh. Well. Huh. Is that what you think i have?
Me: i dont think, i know
Cute Turnip: Well, you have them too.
Me: nah
Cute Turnip: Ya
Me: NAH
Cute Turnip: Ya. They're all plump and soft. They're nice. I would trust them with my dick.
Me: hahahaha u would? good
Me: imma say these pictures surprised me a lot
Me: didnt know you were a nude taking kinda guy
Cute Turnip: What can I say? You bring it out of me.
Me: have you've done this before?
Cute Turnip: Yeah, a lot. But I don't send them anywhere.
Me: ever heard of tumblr? i think they'd enjoy you
Cute Turnip: IM NOT PUTTING NAKED PICTURES OF MYSELF ON THE INTERNET
Me: well cant say i never tried
Cute Turnip: So... do you have any?
Me: i am sitting here with my best friend watching 30 Rock reruns. i am not going through my phone in front of her to look for nudes to send a guy that ive been casually sexting for a week.
Cute Turnip: That's cool. You win some, you lose some.
Cute Turnip: As long as I know you'll be thinking of me because I gave you free porn, I'm fine.
Me: lol
Me: im going to the bathroom now. i'll try to find a classy one.
Cute Turnip: Oh, boy! :)
Me: theres nothing in here but selfies, stuff for work, and the occasional meme.
Me: oh! found one.
Me: [image]
Cute Turnip: OMG
Cute Turnip: Those are your business slacks. Your cock is hanging out of your business slacks.
Me: yeah i know i took it
Cute Turnip: Is that -- omfg that's your deskk yOU TOOK THIS AT WORK
Me: DURING work
Cute Turnip: Weh when was this
Me: some time last month
Cute Turnip: Why
Me: my bulge game was hella strong that day
Me: just got a new pair of boxer briefs, so i was feeling sexy
Me: i kind of had to
Cute Turnip: You couldn't go to the bathroom?
Me: no it was too far
Me: look if youre going to start critiquing my nudes...
Cute Turnip: No! No, not at all! It's wonderful
Cute Turnip: I'm just saying
Cute Turnip: Exhibitionist much
Me: says the guy who nailed a dude in a public park
Cute Turnip: I WAS BEHIND A BUSH
Me: I WAS UNDER MY DESK
Cute Turnip: This is objectively an incredible shot, honestly. I mean, the use of negative space alone
Me: please dont start thinking critically about a dick pic, reid, please
Cute Turnip: I can't help myself. I'm conditioned.
Me: well while you contemplate the contrapasso and evolution of the human condition, im going to go back into the living room with Pen and finish watching Liz Lemon eat a bagel
Cute Turnip: Ok cool. See you at Rossi's dinner tomorrow
Me: .......rossi's dinner
Cute Turnip: Don't tell me you forgot/
Me: i forgot
Cute Turnip: New Year's Eve dinner? He planned this for weeks. The whole team is invited, including Jordan, Seaver, Blake, and Kate. Emily is flying in from Europe.
Me: i totally forgot
Cute Turnip: Lucky you have me, then
Me: hella lucky.
Me: you wouldn't happen to know what time and where, would you?
Cute Turnip: *sigh*
Cute Turnip: 10:30pm at his mansion. Bring Bordeaux.
Me: got it! thanks babe love you
Cute Turnip: Love you too. ttyl
Fri, Dec 31, 10:59pm
Me: Dave says your plate is getting cold
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: 5 minutes
Me: okay honey
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: I don't like "honey"
Me: sweetheart?
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: No.
Me: darling?
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: No.
Me: angel?
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Flattering, but no.
Me: cockslut?
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: XP please stop
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: the cab guy is driving like 2 miles an hour, it's not my fault I'm late. I should be there in 5.
Me: yeah well i miss u so
Me: hurry it up
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: I miss you too.
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: When I get there, say you're going to help me with my coat.
Me: why
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Because you're going to take me to the coat closet and we're going to make out like we do in the men's room before lunch, except this'll be sexier because we're at Dave's fancy rich guy house.
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Unless you want out entire team staring at us while we do that, because it can be arranged
Me: youre insane i love you
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: I know.
Sun, Jan 1, 12:01am
Me: happy new year dummy
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Happy New Year, Ugly
Me: so i got a question
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Yes, my love?
Me: will u be my boyfriend?
Me: lol you dropped your phone
Me: you picked it up
Me: youre giving me this scary eye contact what does that mean
The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Yes! Yes, of course. Don't be stupid.
Me: AWESOME :)
Boyfriend: Go to the coat closet.
Me: you dont mean...
Boyfriend: Whatever you're thinking, yes.
Me: WOOOOOO!!!