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I’ve learned a lot growing up during the infection. How to fight, how to survive, how to kill. But the one thing I never learned how to do was live.
Live for myself, live for others, live just because I fucking can. I think I’ve earned it right? After the years of pain and anger, running towards it with my arms open, all I want to do now is to feel the embrace of love and acceptance.
All I want is her. I prayed everyday, despite not really believing in a higher power because she does. I pray that she’s safe and JJ is safe but when I walk into our house, all that is left is freshly settled dust. They’re gone.
~~
Ellie has traveled the better part of the country for most of her life, a significant part of it anyways. She’s seen cities completely devoid of life, not even infected. The earth reclaiming its territory, breaking and tearing at the buildings that destroyed it in the first place. Moss and flowers blooming across every surface, remains of once was. Holes where the dirt has caved in, water washing away the remnants of the old world. Where bombs once dropped, it was hard to tell. Mother Nature healing itself, thriving once more.
It was poetically beautiful what it was like out there now. Ellie loved exploring the abandoned buildings of old Ruston Coffee’s, music stores with sealed records two decades old, instruments with life sprouting through them, finding banks with pounds of money that were now completely useless, rotten food left behind in the wake of disaster that now became part of the earth itself. She took comfort in all of it now as she made her trek back to Jackson.
Leaving Dina was one of the hardest decisions she’s ever made and one now that she prays Dina will understand. Killing Abby was once all she could think about, picturing Joel’s beaten and battered body all the time, every second of every day. But killing Abby wouldn’t make her feel better. If anything she would feel even shittier about herself. Sparing her was the only way to let her live when she’d let Ellie go. And if she hadn’t gone to Santa Barbara, Abby would’ve died on that pole and Ellie can’t decide if that would’ve been better or not. She doesn’t think of herself as a savior, not by a long shot. She’s just lost.
All these thoughts cloud her mind and she talks it aloud to herself to work it out. Sometimes she thinks she’s got it figured out but then another point comes up and she’s back to feeling frustrated and hurt again. The sun hurts her face and phantom pains stab her in the side again. Hunger makes her feel foggy but luckily, old expired crisps she finds helps with that. She can’t wait to be back home.
~~
When Ellie arrives back in Jackson, she’s met by hesitant faces. The people she’s grown to know now staring at her like a wandering stranger. They don’t hold their guns to her, but she knows what they’re thinking. Wondering why she came back, wondering why Dina came back without her, wondering if she’s infected. All those thoughts are met when she comes face to face with Maria.
“I thought I’d never see your face in this town again,” she says, staring out of a window as Ellie sits at her dining room table. Her house feels empty without Tommy there but the last person she wants to see right now is him. “Do you want to start by explaining to me what happened with Dina? Why you left her and JJ behind?”
Ellie sighs. She doesn’t want to have this conversation but she knows she can’t get past it, “Tommy, he came to visit us and he told me he found where she might be and he got in my head. I had to finish it,” she pauses to gather her next words, “I couldn’t live knowing that the person who killed Joel got to live while he’s rotting in the ground.”
Maria shakes her head, “I know Tommy is a dumbass with a big mouth, but don’t blame him for your problems. You knew what you were doing and you should’ve seen the look on that poor girl's face. I’ve known her for years and I’ve never seen her that upset,” she stops to make sure Ellie hears her next words, “I’ll forgive you. But you better hope she does.”
With that she’s all but thrown out of Maria’s house and Ellie reckons that she’s madder than she lets on. But oh well, she’ll deal with that another day. Right now she needs to find Dina. And walking through town is exactly as awkward as she thought it would be. Even Seth scowls at her, but that’s not new either. She remembers when Dina once told her that everyone should be terrified of her. Little did she know what those words would later mean. Ellie wasn’t afraid of much, but she was afraid of the possibility of losing Dina forever.
Her house was on the corner of the street and was unmissable. You could see it from nearly any part of town, like it was the center of the world or something. Ellie’s hands are shaking hard, unable to keep them under control. Her stomach twists up in knots and she thinks she might throw up before she can even knock on the door. But with some kind of divine intervention of something, she’s able to push that away just long enough to rap her knuckles against the old wood.
There’s rustling around and footsteps approach the door. She’s met with Dina’s mother, an older woman with wrinkles hugging her features. She’s a little shorter than Dina, but the resemblance is there.
“You have a lot of nerve showing up here,” her mother says with understandable anger in her eyes. “After what you did-”
“Is Dina home?” Ellie asks politely, “I would like to speak to her.”
“Mom?” Dina’s voice calls out in the distance, “Who are you talking to?”
“I’ll let her decide,” her mother says, stepping back from the door as Dina comes into her sight.
She looks the exact same, her skin a little darker now from the sun, it suited her well. But she can see the lingering hurt in her eyes. Ellie gives an awkward smile, “Hi.”
“Hi,” Dina replies dryly, “Did you, uh, figure yourself out?”
“Can I come in?” Ellie sounds like she’s begging, maybe she is, “Please.”
“Can you watch JJ for me? He should be asleep for a while,” Dina turns to say to her mother, then back to Ellie, “Come on, let’s go for a walk.”
Dina shuts the door behind her and leads the way for Ellie to follow. She awkwardly shoves her hands into her pockets, not knowing what to say despite rehearsing everything she wanted to say at this moment. They walk mostly in silence until they reach a small bench near the graveyard. Ellie would’ve preferred somewhere else but honestly this was the quietest place for them to go.
Ellie just starts, “Look, I want you to know that all I have thought about for these last few months is you. I couldn’t think of anything else and I know that I fucked up Dina, I fucked up more than I could’ve ever imagined and I don’t deserve forgiveness but please listen to what I have to say because the only thing I’ve ever wanted more in my life is you.”
She listens to Ellie’s words, but she shows no emotion in hers, “Talk.”
She nods, taking in a deep breath before telling her everything, “I got to California and it was like living in hell. My skin burnt, my clothes stuck to me, I smelled like something died. The infected are just as bad out there as they are everywhere else. I was miserable,” she pauses for a moment to gather herself, “But I found her. I found Abby and I found something worse, too. This group, that, uh, calls themselves the Rattlers? They had been capturing and torturing wanderers that came through the city this entire time. Keeping them as prisoners and forcing them into slave labor. If they tried to escape, they’d tie them up and let the infected bite them so they would turn. I saw a man kill himself because that was better than living in that prison. And I killed them all.”
Tears stream down her face as she continues, “I killed them and I let the prisoners out and whoever was left, they took care of the rest. That’s when I found Abby. They told me she tried to escape and they tied her to a post down on the beach, so when the water would flood in, they’d slowly drown to death.”
“What did you do?” Dina asks softly.
“I cut her down,” Ellie purses her lips, tasting the salt on them, “Then I nearly killed her. But I didn’t. I couldn’t do it in the end. It’s not what Joel would’ve wanted. Despite what he’s done, he wouldn’t want me to do the same. I wish I would’ve realized that before, but I feel so lost Dina. Joel, he gave me a purpose and yeah, sure I spent the last year with him being angry but all I’ve ever been is lost. But I know that if I hadn’t gone to Santa Barbara, Abby would’ve died and maybe she would’ve deserved it but if she let me live, I had to do the same for her.”
“Where is she now?”
“I don’t know, but I’m not sure that matters. She doesn’t matter anymore. She spared my life and I spared hers.”
“So I guess you guys are even now,” Dina’s words are cold, “Was it worth it?”
“I don’t know,” Ellie answers honestly. She truly doesn’t know the answer. “But I know that you are worth it and I would like to fix that. Fix us. I love you and I haven’t stopped loving you. I fucked up and I understand if you don’t want to see me ever again, but I am going to to try. Try to be different, to let go of the rage inside me because that’s not who I want to be. For you or for myself.”
Dina stays silent for a while but eventually says, “Do you know how hard it is to fall out of love with you? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it still hasn’t worked.”
“I’m sorry,” Ellie replies solemnly. “I wish I hadn’t put you through that.”
“But you did. I begged you not to go and you did.”
“I know.”
Her face twists up with hurt, “You seem to know everything you’re doing after you do it. You feel guilty so now you want to fix it.”
“No,” Ellie shakes her head, more tears pouring down her face, “It’s not like that. I made my choices and I chose to hurt you for my own selfish purposes. I could sit here for the rest of my life and tell you how sorry I am but that wouldn’t fix anything.”
“No,” Dina agrees, “I suppose it wouldn’t.”
“So what do you want to do?”
Dina takes her hand and smiles when she sees that Ellie is still wearing her bracelet, “I want to forgive you. I haven’t stopped loving you and I don’t think I ever will. You are impossible to forget and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t stopped thinking about you for even a second. I am angry with you, but I think I love you more.”
“Is this your way of saying I get a second chance?” Ellie playfully nudges her with her shoulder.
“If you can prove to me that you mean what you say. That you want to change, for me, but mostly for yourself. I know you are so hurt Ellie and I wish I could make it go away but I can’t. I’m hurting too but I want to make this work. So promise me that you won’t walk away from me like that again because I don’t think I could handle going through this all over again.”
Ellie wraps her arm around Dina’s waist, “I promise you. I will be better. I want to be with you, I want to love you. I do love you.”
“It’s going to take time for me, but we can start now,” Dina offers, pressing a kiss to her hand.
Ellie pushes it a little further by placing a soft kiss on Dina’s lips. She’s not met with any resistance but she doesn’t want to do more than that for now. “Thank you.”
“Maybe I can stop by tomorrow night? Bring some snacks and we could watch that movie? Curtis and Viper 4 right?” Dina asks, standing up from the bench and pulls Ellie up with her. They hold hands together and that’s when she notices Ellie’s fingers. “What happened? Did she do this or infected?”
“My own stupidity did it,” Ellie tells her, “But yes, you can come over tomorrow and we can watch a movie.”
“I’ll be there,” Dina smiles, letting go of her hand but not without placing another kiss atop her wounded hand.
“Oh, by the way,” Ellie says as Dina turns to walk away, “I finally figured out what I would rate our kiss. An eight. Could’ve been a ten, but you know, a loud mouthed bigot had a lot to say about it. Kind of dampened the mood.”
“You are so full of shit Ellie,” Dina laughs at her, making her smile as she finally walks away.
Ellie will never be sure if she deserves Dina’s forgiveness, but she is going to earn it and do whatever it takes. Because if there is anything to be had in this world for her, Dina is it.