Work Text:
H Y U N J I N
G R E E D
intense desire for more
The rush of being on stage is a fickle, tricky, dangerous thing. At least for Hyunjin. He loses himself in it, in the give and take of the energy between him and the members and the crowd. He steps into the person that is not fully himself, but part of him, the wild part. The greedy part.
It’s more intense today, somehow, and Hyunjin’s felt it even during rehearsal, felt it built up inside of him. The itch to perform. To show off. To touch.
It’s fun, that’s what makes it so dangerous too, and he can tell that the other members are pulled in by it the same way he is, because of the fans or because of Hyunjin, it doesn’t really matter. They’re always creating that vibe together, one pulling the other.
They’re in great form today. It’s the second show so they’re all going harder than usual, dancing harder, jumping more, and screaming louder. They know that they will pay for it tomorrow, but it doesn’t matter when they’re on stage and in the moment, with the next day so far away.
Usually, during their ments, Hyunjin focuses on what he’s going to say, trying not to forget what he roughly rehearsed before the show, but during the second one, Chan is already going off script, rattled by Seungmin teasing him, and then Jisung and Felix join in, and Hyunjin laughs when Chan flusters, playing it up for the crowd. Then Felix is trying to pull Chan into a headlock or kiss him, Hyunjin’s not sure, and something surges in his stomach, and he stumbles a few steps closer to where they are, covering it up with another laugh. Felix glances over, eyes crinkling in the corners.
Everyone’s always telling him how sexy he looks, all sweaty and intense. And he likes when they do, delighting at the attention and the compliments. But deep down he looks at Felix and knows that he’s nothing compared to him. Felix demands attention, effortlessly. And yes, his dancing is mesmerizing and skillful, all of his performance is, but that’s not it. It’s his face, it’s the way he looks at everyone, daring them to look away as if he knows they can’t, won’t ever be able to.
Hyunjin is not able to. At least not today.
They haven’t talked about what happened. Their night together lies only a few weeks in the past, and Hyunjin had been scared the first few days after, that he would be nervous around Felix, or awkward, and that things would change between them.
But nothing did change. Nothing at all, and where there was relief in the beginning, it’s festering inside Hyunjin now, the irritation about it. Disappointment too, maybe.
The day after a few of them had dinner together, and Felix and he had joked together like they normally do, and in a moment of privacy, Felix had asked once again if they were okay. Hyunjin had told him yes. And he’d smiled. And they haven’t talked about it ever since.
And Hyunjin had wanted - not to forget about it, but he’d wanted to put away the memory like one would put away a dearly-loved present, safe but meant to be forgotten about and only discovered every so often. Instead, the memory is coming to him more often now, like a plant growing, curling around every nerve ending in his body. He sees Felix sometimes, in his mind’s eye, his face when he came, and he itches to paint that face but he knows he can’t, wouldn’t betray him like that. He remembers how he felt above him, against him. Hears him too, when reality mixes with memory and a groan over one of Chan’s jokes startles a memory in Hyunjin’s mind of a very different groan.
It’s what happens now, right here on stage, when Felix pulls up his shirt and shows his abs to the crowd, and it’s not the abs, even though Hyunjin remembers exactly how every inch of them felt under his fingertips, but it’s the way Felix turns, catching Hyunjin’s eyes while he still has his shirt pulled up. It reminds Hyunjin so much of Felix undressing before him. It’s oddly intimate, that one split second of a shared glance, with both of them on stage in front of thousands of people staring, screaming.
o
Felix touches him after one of the songs, pressing his fingers against Hyunjin’s neck, where he’s all sweaty and gross, but it’s nothing new, only Hyunjin wonders if his touch lingers longer than usual, if he’s gripping harder than he’s done before. He makes a comment too, about how sexy Hyunjin is when he sweats, and he’s made the very same comment a couple of times now, but Hyunjin looks over and catches Felix’s gaze and he swears he sees something else glint in his eyes.
o
During ‘Easy’, Felix does his part and Chan and Jisung hover close enough that they could kiss him, one on either side, and it’s supposed to be cute and funny, with Felix looking at both of them, flirting a little, and all Hyunjin can think of is ‘I did. I did kiss him. I had him all for myself.’
o
During ‘Thunderous’, Felix slaps Hyunjin’s butt like he usually does. They don’t tickle each other’s hand this time, but grab onto their arms, sharing a glance, short but intense, and Hyunjin wonders if Felix is catching on to the weird energy that’s coursing between them today.
o
Hyunjin does his usual dance during his part in ‘FAM’ and Felix is on his left, looking at him instead of the crowd, and Hyunjin has the weird idea that he’s performing for Felix only, rolling his body like that, and he blushes at the thought, even though the feeling rushing through him is exhilarating.
o
That’s how the whole concert passes by, with Hyunjin choking on the charged air, or riding on it, and he’s trying to pull himself together, to not overdo it, but it’s hard when he’s getting lost in the push and pull of that energy, every muscle in his body feeling alive and on top of the world.
Felix feeds into it, all the members do. Minho and Jisung are glued together more than usual, getting lost in their own world, and Seungmin is all but plastered to Changbin’s side. Chan can’t stop laughing, teasing any member he gets close enough to when the choreo allows it, and Jeongin doesn’t make a show of flinching away when both Minho and Changbin keep touching him.
o
During one of the first breaks, when Stay are doing the dance challenge and most of the members are huddled together backstage in front of the screens, Hyunjin comes to stand behind Changbin first, downing half a bottle of water as he watches the screen.
He notices Felix next to Changbin, laughing and cheering, completely engrossed in watching their fans dance.
There’s an intense pull between them, something Hyunjin can’t quite name, can’t even tell if he’s the only one feeling it, but Hyunjin huddles closer, resting his chin on Felix’s shoulder as they both watch.
Felix turns his head, probably surprised, but he doesn’t shake him off or comment on it.
Hyunjin’s cheek burns with the heat of Felix’s skin. Not touching, but the proximity is enough to feel him, and Hyunjin’s never been so aware of that, of another person’s heat seeping into his own skin.
They’re all laughing and cheering, whooping and yelling out compliments, but Hyunjin doesn’t leave Felix’s side the whole break, greedy as he is.
And Felix lets him.
o
Later on stage, a song stretches into a dance break and then loops one part where the members jump across the stage, engaging with the crowd, and the thousands of people cheer, loud and ecstatic. Hyunjin always thought of them as creating energy together, this exchange, something they can all ride on. He feels it now, feels that energy crashing into him, pulling him halfway across the stage to where Felix is. He pictures an ocean coming at him and pulling him off the safety of the shore, and the cheers get louder as he gets closer, and he knows the camera’s on them now, their faces on the screens behind him, larger than life, catching the way Hyunjin walks up behind Felix, walking until he’s close enough to wrap his arms around his shoulders from behind.
Felix’s laugh is broken off as he pulls his microphone away from his face. Hyunjin’s not usually doing this, he knows that. Seungmin knows that, who’s looking over with an open mouth but laughing, and the crowd knows it too, going by the way their screams turn louder and louder.
Felix feels good in his arms. A warm, lithe body, moving and panting as he is, exponentially better because it’s Felix, the knowledge of who he is, the person he is, and the body he has under those thin clothes, and Hyunjin remembers their night, remembers holding Felix similar to this without any clothing between them. Felix is unsteady on his feet with Hyunjin’s weight on him, and he stumbles back, their bodies pushing together.
Hyunjin tightens his hold and pulls Felix closer, adrenaline making him lightheaded and bold, and then he presses a kiss against Felix’s neck, right there in front of the cameras, for the whole world to see, and he even has his eyes closed as he does it, lingers a little too long because even in this arena with the noise thundering around him does he feel Felix’s pulse jump against his lips. And then Hyunjin breaks away and lets go of him.
The crowd goes wild. Hyunjin doesn’t dare to look at anyone.
The voice in his earpiece counts down to the next chorus, and there’s that wave again, the one Hyunjin just gives himself over to, and then they’re jumping and dancing and cheering, and from the other end of the stage now, Hyunjin catches Felix’s gaze, but he can’t read him, can’t tell if he’s gone too far.
o
Jisung pulls him aside during the following break. Hyunjin can tell it’s going to happen, feels Jisung’s eyes on him, and sees the frown, the tightness around his mouth. It’s torture to wait for it, while they change into the next outfit and down more energy drinks, but the others are close, all of them so close that it’s driving Hyunjin out of his skin because Felix is at the other end of it, and he’s never wanted like this.
Jisung doesn’t even say anything, just motions to Hyunjin to follow him, and for a moment Hyunjin thinks about just not going, not following, but it’s risky and he knows Jisung too well, fears he will confront him right here, in front of everyone, and then Changbin will get involved and Chan will too and Hyunjin doesn’t even know how to explain it, what he’s going to say.
Jisung is careful, picking a spot far enough away not to be overheard, and he makes sure to wait until the SKZ talker camera is focusing on something Minho and Seungmin are doing.
“What’s going on with you?” Jisung asks him, plain and direct, cause that’s who they are. “What was that with Yongbokkie?”
Hyunjin is still breathing hard. He’s wiped the sweat off his face countless times but the adrenaline is still pumping and he has a hard time coming down from it. “Nothing you haven’t done before,” he scoffs.
Jisung pulls back like he’s been slapped, and they’ve never been this close to a fight in years. Hyunjin aches for it somehow. “Yeah, to Minho-hyung. That’s a big fucking difference, and you know it.”
“Five minutes!” someone shouts, one of the stage managers probably, and Hyunjin will blame it on the adrenaline, on the rush still coursing through him, but the next words stumble out of his mouth, and it feels good saying them. Crazy and wild and good.
“I slept with him. With Yongbokkie.”
Jisung’s eyes grow wide. He waits for a beat, then another. “I can’t tell if you’re joking.”
Hyunjin shakes his head, wiping more sweat from his forehead. His eyes are darting around the room before they fall once again on Jisung. “I’m not joking.” His heart is going wild in his chest, now that he’s confessed, and he realizes that he can’t tell how Jisung is going to react. Doesn’t know if he will be okay with this. Not because it’s a boy Hyunjin’s confessing about, but because it’s Felix. It’s Felix.
Jisung’s mouth falls open. “What the fuck?” he squeaks, holding onto the back of his head, and Hyunjin really hopes that there’s no camera on them right now. “You’re telling me this now? I didn’t even know you liked-“ Another stuttering pause. “Jesus Christ.”
“Two minutes, back on stage everyone!” someone shouts, clapping their hands.
Jisung is still staring at him.
“Say something,” Hyunjin chokes out, fear rising, and he doesn’t exactly regret telling him but he knows he should have thought about it, good god - at the very least should have asked Felix if he could, but he’s done it now and he can’t take it back.
Jisung curses again, but he pulls Hyunjin into a hug, short but tight, reassurance at least that they’re okay.
ooo
The next morning comes harsh and cold and with regrets that Hyunjin’s not ready to face just yet. He feels weaker today, or less, as if he left part of himself at the arena. Stage-Hyunjin, who didn’t make it into today with him, so it’s just him, plain, soft him, who doesn’t even want to check on social media and see what Stay is making out of his antics from yesterday.
The dorm is still quiet, he’s likely the first one awake, and he’s glad he doesn’t have to face anyone just yet. Jisung will want to talk, eventually. Even when he’s not nosy, the confession from the day before is too heavy to be ignored. Not in a group like theirs, not in a business like the one they’re in.
Hyunjin gets out of bed, and then out of his room, walking into the kitchen on habit alone, where the coffee machine comes to life with the press of a few buttons. He’s still sleepy, the ache in his body sitting deep but satisfying, so he shuffles through the room while his coffee is brewing.
That’s when he glances over to the living room and sees Felix on the sofa. He looks like he just woke up himself, his hair slightly disheveled, his face with a puffiness it’ll lose in the next hour and his mouth in a pout. He’s sitting up, wrapped in the blanket they keep on the sofa there with his phone in his hand, and if he’s noticed Hyunjin walking by he’s not showing any sign of it.
A thought crosses Hyunjin’s mind, not for the first time. He sometimes wishes that they could have had a full night. Could have fallen asleep together, and Hyunjin could have woken up to Felix still sleeping beside him. He wonders if Felix would have stayed close, wrapped around Hyunjin as they’ve done before.
The same weirdly magnetic pull from last night slams into Hyunjin, taking his breath away for a moment. He’s not used to being pulled towards people, to crave their proximity like that, their closeness. But as he’s looking at Felix it’s there, not even a simmer but boiling, making his skin itch.
He walks into the living room before he even makes the decision consciously.
“Hey,” he says, and his voice scratches his throat.
Felix looks up and seems as if he really didn’t notice Hyunjin before.
“Hi,” he says, and Hyunjin is weirdly relieved by the smile that crosses his face.
“Did you sleep here?” Hyunjin asks, and it’s a stupid question when he meant to ask ‘Why did you sleep here? Why did you stay? Why did I not know?’
Felix nods and doesn’t even make fun of Hyunjin’s question. “Been writing on a rap part with Binnie. I was too tired to head back.” He yawns as if to emphasize his point.
Felix says nothing more but doesn’t look back down to his phone either, so Hyunjin makes a conscious decision this time and sits down next to Felix, close enough to immediately be engulfed in the warmth and sleep-soft smell of him.
“It’ll be a while until the others wake up,” Hyunjin says as if Felix doesn’t know.
Felix hums in response.
Hyunjin can feel his eyes on him, maybe waiting for him to speak more, but Hyunjin doesn’t, he just wants to be close, that’s all he can think about, and he has no idea what comes after that.
So eventually Felix goes back to his phone and Hyunjin leans against the couch cushions and closes his eyes, every nerve ending aware of the boy next to him, all his senses focused on his soft breaths.
He’s scared that Felix will want to talk about the kiss. And then he’s disappointed when he doesn’t bring it up. He wants to confess to Felix that he told Jisung, but he can’t bring himself to open his mouth and push the words out.
Minutes tick by and Hyunjin groans, sliding further down the sofa, until he pulls his legs under himself and lies his head down, just inches away from where Felix sits.
Felix chuckles and his voice is even lower in the morning and feels like a caress on Hyunjin’s skin.
“Come here.”
Hyunjin turns and watches as Felix straightens his legs, patting his thigh in invitation just like Minho does when he wants one of his cats to come up to him.
Hyunjin makes a pleased noise which earns him another chuckle, and he shimmies up so he can rest his head on Felix’s thigh, and it’s almost too hot against his skin.
And then, just like Hyunjin anticipated, Felix’s hand find its way to the nape of Hyunjin’s neck, touching lightly, absentmindedly, he’s sure. He imagines Felix’s concentration back on his phone already, barely registering that Hyunjin is here and close, and Hyunjin is torn whether he wants it to be like that, wants them to go back to who they were just last year.
“Do you regret it?” Hyunjin asks, of all things he could have asked, and Felix’s hand stills.
“No,” comes the soft reply after a long moment in which Hyunjin didn’t dare to breathe. “Do you?”
Hyunjin had wanted to ask him a hundred times before. Every time they so much as looked at each other, across a room full of people, sharing something now that was private and theirs and precious, Hyunjin wanted to combust in his own skin, not knowing what to do with the knowledge and the memory of what happened between them.
It’s scary that he’s asking now, finally, when he’s lying on Felix’s lap and when he can’t see his face, can’t overthink every expression.
“I don’t either,” Hyunjin answers, and all the times he’s asked himself that question that’s been his answer. It’s his answer now.
“Good,” Felix says, almost sounding as relieved as Hyunjin feels. And then he resumes his touches, fingers tickling lightly against Hyunjin’s neck, playing with the strands of his hair.
There’s a second question, sitting like a bomb, like a threat right behind the first, but Hyunjin doesn’t ask that one. Only plays it inside his mind on a perpetual loop, hoping that if he just thought it loud enough, Felix would ask it first.
Would you want to do it again?
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