Chapter Text
Kaveh had always wondered how life would have been like if he had never met Alhaitham.
He could still remember that day in the Akademiya, so many years ago.
Running late for lunch.
Crashing into a junior from Haravatat.
Heated words.
Their first argument.
Bickering, while eating together.
The menu was seared fish that day.
The junior offering him his portion of sweet sauce.
Sketches falling from Kaveh’s bag.
Unsolicited criticism.
“I could fix your calculations if you’d like to, tomorrow.”
“How would I even find you?”
“My name is Alhaitham.”
Silver hair, scarlet-green eyes.
That was Alhaitham.
If Kaveh could turn back the hands of the clock, that day would probably go something like this-
Going for lunch on time.
Eating seared fish with one portion of sweet sauce.
Returning to his room to work on his sketches.
Just an ordinary, unremarkable day.
Would other-Kaveh be happy, in a world without his Alhaitham? Kaveh liked to think about these imaginary scenarios, but he had to admit that there had been many good times. The reasons he fell in love. The consistent, reliable rhythm that was Alhaitham in his life now. That was what Kaveh loved about Alhaitham. But Alhaitham was too immovable and too unchanging, that even in Kaveh’s wildest imaginations, there was never a world where Alhaitham could be moved to love Kaveh.
But even though Kaveh logically knew he should let go, something in his heart just refused to move on. Every time they sparred against each other, both physically and verbally, he felt an incredible thrill to go against this person, who could match him and sometimes surpass him in terms of both strength and wit.
Alhaitham was probably the only person in the world who knew how to read Kaveh better than himself. He was the one who could somehow know, just from a single glance, that Kaveh had a wretched day, and needed a cup of hot chocolate at dinner.
And such a privilege it was, to have such a brilliant man with him. Kaveh would never admit it out loud but even since their Akademiya days, he had always admired his junior. He envied how Alhaitham could just say a simple word and command the attention of everyone around him.
There was just something about him that radiated importance, and purpose. When he spoke, people listened. When he gave orders, people followed. For someone who professed that he cared for nothing in the world but the pursuit of knowledge for knowledge’s sake, he somehow was a jack of no trades, and master of all. Alhaitham was just something different. One of a kind. Something special.
And when Alhaitham turned that singularly focused mind towards Kaveh, he made Kaveh feel like he could be something special too.
---
For all that Alhaitham liked to complain that Kaveh was living rent-free in their house, Alhaitham was living rent-free in Kaveh’s mind. Cyno and Tighnari had already established no-Alhaitham Wednesdays, during which Kaveh was not allowed to bring up Alhaitham during their regular dinners and drinks.
(No, it never worked- somehow Kaveh would find himself mentioning or ranting about Alhaitham. They still called it no-Alhaitham Wednesdays out of principle, though its purpose had long been given up on.)
The funniest part, in Kaveh’s opinion, was probably how Alhaitham likely never thought about Kaveh once he was out of sight. Alhaitham thought so sparsely of Kaveh that he had not even noticed that he had taken Kaveh’s house key so many times. Because that was all Kaveh was- once a friend and now just an annoying roommate he had to deal with. Meanwhile, Kaveh would pace the living room at night when Alhaitham stayed out late for his miscellaneous Scribe work. Worried, anxious, and missing him.
Perhaps this was an addiction, a vice- both his poison and his cure. Spending time with Alhaitham was both so exciting yet painful at the same time. And the worst thing was that Alhaitham would never realise, nor understand, the kind of pain he was causing Kaveh. And if Kaveh got his way, he never would. He would hoard all his memories, feelings and emotions tightly to his chest, and protect them away from being hurt by the world, and most importantly away from the subject of his affections.
---
“What does it feel like to love?” a kid had asked him, once, when he was explaining some of the motifs in the Palace of Alcazarzaray during a tour.
Like walking on shattered glass, but doing it willingly, and again and again.
“Love is something beautiful,” he had said instead, ruffling the kid’s hair affectionately, “It means to care for another even more than you care for yourself.”
---
That night, Kaveh had gone out drinking himself. As usual, Alhaitham had been called and had to carry him back home.
“You should stop making a habit out of this,” Alhaitham said, grunting as he readjusted Kaveh’s weight on his back.
“Why do you care? Just leave me be, oh Acting Grand Sage. It’s not like I want to see your annoying face,” Kaveh snarked back, but nonetheless settled down comfortably, leaning heavily against his roommate. He tried to ignore how the physical contact was making his breath quicken.
“You could always move out,” Alhaitham pointed out matter-of-factly. “I am not stopping you.”
“Hmph,” Kaveh said, pouting, “You just keep infuriating me.”
For some reason, Alhaitham had the audacity to laugh.
It made Kaveh’s heart pound a little- a lot- to feel the rising and falling of Alhaitham’s back as he chuckled. It was a nice sound. Very nice to hear. He should laugh more.
“What are you laughing at?” Kaveh whined aloud, shaking himself off Alhaitham.
Then Alhaitham turned to look at him with a smile. What a beautiful smile. “I do enjoy riling you up, Kaveh,” he said genuinely.
“Insufferable,” Kaveh grumbled, without meaning it. “Forget it, I can walk.”
Alhaitham raised an eyebrow at him as he stumbled to his feet unsteadily. “If you insist,” Alhaitham said, but still quietly held onto Kaveh’s arm, supporting him and keeping him steady.
I love you, Kaveh thought, and vaguely noticed a shooting star in the sky.
I wish that I could forget you.