Chapter Text
She was always cold now. Always shivering, despite the thick coat Lan had bought her and the many blankets he laid over her when night came. Days and nights passed, sun, wind and rain, and the cold remained. Like an underground river that could never warm its waters with the gentle touch of sunlight, each heartbeat spread a dark and deep chill through her veins. Her body pulsed with icy desperation, threatening to drown her from within. Moiraine had never liked the cold, but now she truly despised it. Well, that wasn't the whole truth, she despised it as much as she feared it. Fearing the cold, what a silly concept for an Aes Sedai... not that she could even pretend to have that honor anymore. If only the cold was the only thing that frightened her now...
Moiraine sighed deeply, her breath forming a small cloud in front of her that quickly dissipated into the air, finding its natural place in the universe. She wanted to scream, but instead she bit her lips with the little strength she had left, piercing her skin and tasting blood. The pain was barely a sting, nothing compared to the hollowness that filled her being since he... since her defeat, since her failure. She bit harder and closed her eyes for a moment, trusting her horse to follow Lan, who rode first. Lan... Light, she missed him. He was there, barely a few feet in front of her, and yet he felt so far away. She couldn't feel him inside her anymore, in that part of her mind that had been his since the day they had bonded. Now, without him there, without his warmth and light, that part of her was dead. She carried the carcass of their bond, and its rot threatened to spread and consume her. Was it her fate to be separated from the few important people in her life? It weighed on her, making her every move slower and harder.
"We should rest for the night," Lan declared, his voice startling her from her thoughts.
She blinked several times and looked around, trying to find something grounding, something to hold onto to keep her mind afloat. She settled on the sky.
"The sun hasn't set yet, we could use the light to keep going." She adjusted the hood on her hair, a fragile shield against this damned cold.
Lan stopped his horse, forcing hers to do the same. Without a word, he dismounted and walked to her.
"We need to rest," he repeated simply, his tone leaving no room for discussion. But in his we she could hear the you loud and clear. Shame burned her cheeks, but it couldn't hold a candle to the fire of hate that threatened to consume her sense of self. Or what was left of it. But Lan misread her expression and offered her his hand. Or maybe he just chose to ignore it. It was hard to tell without the bond. "Come, Moiraine, let me help you."
She was exhausted, there was no denying that. And yet she had to deny it. So she sighed loudly and nodded, but refused his help. She dismounted alone, ignoring the dark spots in her vision and wishing her legs would not collapse under her weight.
They set up camp in silence, and she tried in vain to find comfort in the familiarity of their rituals. She sat by the fire and watched Lan cook them some stew. Normally, she would reach the Source and boil the water to buy some time. But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't. So why did her fingers try to weave, why did she lose herself in the void, trying to connect to the One Power? Tears gathered in her eyes and she got up quickly, mumbled something about needing privacy and walked away. Had the bond still been there, Lan would have felt the rush of desperation in her chest, his concern would have answered it, and he would have never let her go. But the bond was only a memory, and every beat of her heart seemed to push it further away. Panic rose quickly in her body, seizing her chest, squeezing her throat, leaving her gasping for air. She sank to the floor. She searched within herself, looking for some thread of Saidar. Her fingers trembled so much that her whole body shook with them. Nothing at the tips of her fingers. Nothing in herself, in her mind. Nothing but this numbing, buzzing, overwhelming fear. Tears flooded her face and her sobs seemed to want to tear her being apart. But then she felt a hand on her cheek. It was large and warm, grounding but not threatening. Lan, it was him, she was sure of it. Twenty years at his side and she could recognize him just by touch. She could also hear his voice, but it barely penetrated the fog of her mind. But she didn't dare to open her eyes, not yet. Still, she let this new presence hold her, let him bring her back to her senses. Finally, breathing was no longer a struggle and her tears dried. She could hear him.
"You're doing great, Moiraine. I'm here, you're not alone, I'm here." His words finally made sense to her and she found enough strength to look at him, forcing her heavy eyelids open.
He was kneeling before her, worry distorting his face... or was it fear? It hurt not to know, not to feel what he felt. Her own hand, still trembling, reached for his cheek.
"Are you okay?" she asked, sounding hoarse.
"Am I -" Lan sighed before pulling her into his arms for a strong hug. "What happened?" he asked as she nestled against his chest, hoping the warmth of his body could challenge the icy river in her veins.
"I don't know," she whispered, a new kind of exhaustion overtaking her.
"Are you okay?"
For a moment, she wondered if she was still bound by the Three Oaths. Theoretically, the weave of spirit that bound her to the Oath Rod was now broken, as she no longer had access to the One Power.
"I don't know," she said again, not wanting to lie, but not knowing what was true anymore. "I'm tired," she added. That much was obvious.
Lan ended their embrace sooner than she would have liked and helped her to her feet. Her legs felt wobbly, but her warder held her firmly.
"Let's get you to bed."
They slowly made their way back to their camp through a heavy night. Where were the stars? Did they leave her too? She sat heavily on her bed and Lan immediately pulled her under the blankets. He offered her a bowl of stew, but the mere thought of ingesting anything made her feel nauseous, so he exchanged it for a simple cup of tea. She refused again.
"Moiraine, you have to drink something," he insisted, and it was the helplessness in his tone that made her give in.
She reached for her waterskin and swallowed half of it before lying down. She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing. In and out. In and out. Emptiness threatened again, so she tried square breathing. In, hold, out, hold. Could the void be laughing at her?
"Lan?" she called in a small voice, afraid to open her eyes again.
"Yes, Moiraine?" His voice was deep and warm. He was close. If she stretched her arm out from the fortress of blankets, she could probably reach him. She didn't have the strength.
"Would you..." she cleared her throat, forcing the words out. "Would you hold me? Just for a moment."
Lan didn't answer, but she heard him move around their camp before his body joined hers under the blankets. He settled on his back behind her and she immediately turned to lie at his side, his strong arm welcoming her, holding her close to his chest. She thought of other arms. Her treacherous mind seemed to smell hints of citrus, salt and jasmine. She shivered.
"Light, you're so cold," he whispered, holding her closer.
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," he assured her with a breath. "Maybe your body's still in shock or something."
"No, I mean... I'm sorry for what happened." Her voice was shaky, but she managed to get through. "I thought it was the last battle, but it was barely the first and..." she didn't want to cry, not again. She pinched herself and concentrated on the pain. "And we've already lost so much because of me." Everything they had planned, everything they had sacrificed, all for nothing.
Lan's hand found hers on his chest and she realized she had been searching for the Source without even thinking.
"Your losses are mine," he reminded her with a gentle tone that few people knew he was capable of. "We will find a way, Moiraine, I promise you. If this was the first battle, we'll have another chance."
"But how? I... I can't feel the One Power, Lan, and without it everything is so... it's like a thick fog has fallen over the world and I'm left alone and blind to stumble through it."
She didn't say it, but her warder heard it all the same. The emptiness the bond had left in her was abysmal. He could barely bear it himself, he couldn't even begin to imagine what it felt like for her to lose the steady embrace of The Source. To know how his presence had been so liberating to her throughout her life, giving her the escape from the Sun Court she so desperately needed, giving her the agency she needed to change the world, allowing her to meet people who would change her life.
"You are not alone," he reminded her, bringing her hand to his lips for a comforting kiss. "And we'll find a way."
"You don't know that."
"I do. We will." He said those simple words with such certainty that Moiraine didn't have the heart to correct him. She let him believe that there was no point in arguing right now. She was too cold, too tired. The Wheel would convince him soon enough. Gripping his tunic tightly, she waited for sleep to claim her, hoping that its darkness would spare her any new demons.
No such mercy was shown to her that night, nor the ones that followed. Time lost its meaning as each new day melted into the one before. Moiraine didn't know where they were, where they were going, or how much time had passed. Most of the time she didn't even know who she was. She followed Lan, his sturdy silhouette the only solid thing in the thick fog that was now her life. He kept talking to her even after she stopped answering him, fighting the despicable emptiness of silence with his steady flow of words. Whatever they were. She went where he told her to go. She ate what he gave her, though she rarely managed to keep it down for long. And when night came, for it always did, she held him close and fought against his claws as long as she could. A fight she always lost, falling into a troubled sleep that she could only leave in tears or screams. in tears, screaming against invisible opponents. For a moment, she wondered if this was the inexorable descent into madness that awaited the stilled Aes Sedai, but she couldn't even entertain the thought.
Finally, they arrived at a small village and Lan led her to an inn. As soon as they entered, she felt worse. There were too many people, too much noise, too much... everything. The prospect of sleeping on a real bed with the security of a locked room should have been appealing, but she only felt trapped. Her whole body was aflame with a fearful buzz that made her restless. She wanted to tell Lan, but he was already talking to the innkeeper, asking for two adjoining rooms and hot meals to be delivered later. Two rooms. She felt sick. Why should he - surely he had to know that she needed him? She barely made it through the night as it was, with him by her side, pulling her out of the nothingness.
"Come on, let's go." Lan said, urging her to follow the innkeeper to their rooms.
She didn't want to go, she didn't want to rest in a warm room under thick blankets behind a locked door. She would rather be in the middle of the forest, the icy river in her veins making her teeth chatter, as long as Lan was there. Her mind screamed "no" but her lips remained sealed and her legs followed. Light... She took a deep breath and waited.
Maybe, her mind would dissociate from her body again, as it had during their journey.
Maybe, she wouldn't even notice the night as it passed, and soon they would be on their way to whatever their destination was.
She blinked and they were alone in the room. She sat on the bed, one of her blankets draped over her shoulders, while Lan fussed around, lighting a fire and making sure they had everything they needed. He was talking about horses, but his words were too far away for her to understand.
She blinked again and he was kneeling before her, pushing a cup into her hand. Her hand shook as she took it, and Lan squeezed her fingers until he was sure her grip was strong enough. She took a sip. It tasted of nothing. Nothing had tasted of anything since she had left the Eye of the World. It seemed so absurd to her that she had lost the taste, it had no connection to the Source, and yet she couldn't taste anything. Not that she cared. She took another sip. Lan seemed to be startled by something, and he immediately jumped to his feet and took three large steps to the door. He looked back at her.
"I'll just be a moment," he assured her, and she couldn't bring herself to nod.
He left and she wondered how she had not collapsed yet. She was still sitting, the cup still in her hand. Air was still finding its way into her lungs, her heart was still beating. She took another sip and blinked again.
Lan wasn't back.
She blinked and blinked and blinked, but she was still alone.
She began to panic.
Why wasn't he back? She stood up, but her legs felt weak and she stumbled to the wall to steady herself. The cup fell from her hands and shattered on the floor, the sound of its fall as loud as thunder on a stormy night.
Had he been attacked? Had the--had he found him?
She felt dizzy. His name was on her tongue, on her lips, but her voice refused to make a sound. Her heartbeat was deafening, pounding in her chest with a terrifying wilderness barely matched by a scattered breath.
Maybe...
Maybe this time...
Her fingers moved.
She closed her eyes.
She looked inside.
Nothing.
She finally collapsed. And cried. Lan... He needed her. She crawled, slowly making her way through the door. Her legs refused to cooperate, but if she stretched enough she could still reach the handle. It was already twisting before she touched it, was that possible?
"Moiraine!" Lan appeared, immediately crouching before her, his hands searching for any sign of injury, his eyes pleading for answers she didn't have.
"You left," she heard herself say, though she barely recognized the sound of her own voice.
"Just a moment, Moiraine, I swear."
"You left," she said again, but her tears had slowed and she let him lift her to her feet.
"I came back." She appreciated him stating the obvious, it was nice to hear.
She let her head fall against his chest and closed her eyes, trying to collect herself, if that was possible. She heard some noise in the hallway, but ignored it.
"Why two rooms?" she whispered cautiously.
Lan squeezed her shoulder and stepped back as the door opened again.
"Someone came to see you." He said simply.
Moiraine looked up with a sigh and found the deep brown eyes of Siuan on her. Her heart skipped a beat and for a moment the Wheel seemed to stop.