Chapter Text
This is exactly why I can’t allow myself to be lenient with my ideals, Kunikida scolds himself as he rubs the rubber eraser furiously. Once he deems the work satisfactory, he flips to another page and continues his mission of clearing every hint of graphite he can spot in his notebook. This is probably going to take him the whole day – pages after pages filled with sentences striked through and annotations – but that’s alright. He has plenty of time to kill today.
Rubbing out another note, he silently curses himself again. What was he even thinking? ‘Reviewing and assessing’, my ass. His ideals are perfect. He always takes his time thinking about them and making sure they are as flawless as possible before he writes them down in ink. He can’t believe he has allowed one accusation to shake his resolve.
But it wasn’t just that one accusation, was it?
Ignoring the thought, he flips yet another page over. His hands still upon noticing the contents of the new page. “Notes on my partner, Dazai Osamu,” the title reads and below it is a list of bullet points. On the fifth bullet, he had originally written this: Never leave Dazai to his own devices for more than five hours. The words are now striked through with a single clean line. Kunikida remembers doing it on Tuesday night last week. He also remembers writing the note he finds underneath: Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Cut him some slack and leave him be for a few days when he looks like he needs a break. Reviewing his ideals was a terrible mistake, Kunikida realises now. It’s not his ideals that need to be brought down to an attainable standard. It's him who needs to work harder to meet the standards of his ideals. He was a fool for letting that Hunting Dog convince him otherwise.
A small whine shakes him out of his thoughts, and he abandons his notebook, turning around to check on the man behind him. Both his shirt and his sheets are soaked in sweat, Kunikida notes, and when Kunikida presses his hand against Dazai’s forehead, he finds it warmer than it was fifteen minutes ago. Kunikida reaches for the towel in the bucket beside him, giving it a light squeeze before he wipes Dazai’s face with the damp cloth.
The Decay of Angels incident had taken a lot out of them, and even months later, the Agency remains vulnerable. (To make matters worse, they failed to detain Fyodor Dostoevsky despite their best efforts.) The use of The Book greatly accelerated the restoration of things, but even The Book couldn’t erase the scars the incident left on their hearts. The President seldom shows up to the Agency office now, choosing instead to work from his home. As a consequence, Ranpo-san, who started dedicating every second of his freetime to the President, only ever shows up once or twice a week. Perhaps, it’s not ideal but Kunikida understands they should be allowed this break - the two of them had gone through too much in such a short amount of time. From how she's locking herself away in the infirmary, Kunikida can tell Yosano-sensei hasn’t been doing very well either. But, he lets her be because he understands people cope with things differently. As for Kunikida… well, he has been drowning in pressure. This incident had been a wakeup call for him, the exhaustion in the President’s eyes making him realise the urgency of things. He needs to grow into a man worthy of becoming the leader of the Agency and he needs to do it fast. There is so much to be done and it feels as though he has so little time.
As unbelievable as it sounds, Dazai has been the one keeping everything together as the rest of the senior members fell apart. Working extra hours and taking triple his usual workload – always wearing a bright smile on his face as well – Dazai has been the pillar of the Agency these past few months, trying his best to retain normalcy in their routine. Kunikida remembers walking in on the sight of Dazai asleep at his desk one morning a few weeks ago and he remembers smiling at the thought that Dazai could run the place alone if he seriously tried.
Not that he has to. Not when Kunikida was there to help.
On Thursday morning last week, Dazai failed to show up to work for the first time in months. This is something that would have irked Kunikida before the Decay of Angels, but Dazai has been working so damn hard that Kunikida decided he has earned a break. He didn't show up on Friday either, and Kunikida told himself he would check on him if he didn’t return by Monday.
On Monday evening, Kunikida broke into Dazai’s dorm room but he didn’t find Dazai. Instead, he found an apple stabbed with a silver dagger on his bedside table.
They found him in an abandoned factory in the outskirts of Yokohama, but the search had taken three whole days. Dazai was frighteningly still when Kunikida undid the restraints he was bound in that he would’ve assumed the worse if it weren’t for Yosano-sensei’s shaky voice confirming that his partner was alive.
“He’s drugged up.” Yosano-sensei gave her assessment the next morning. “There are at least four different types of drugs coursing through his veins. They’re messing with his brain chemistry,” she explained. When Kunikida asked about the drugs, her head dropped in shame before she reluctantly admitted that she didn't know. Kunikida wouldn’t put it past Fyodor Dostoevsky to create drugs with his nemesis in mind; he couldn't have been happy about losing against Dazai in their deadly game of chess.
Yosano-sensei added that Dazai’s ability was also acting up – activating and deactivating randomly without a consistent pattern. In his desperation, Kunikida made the mistake of suggesting her to try using Thou Shall Not Die. 'I’m not going to risk killing him with my own hands,' Kunikida heard in the cold glare that she gave him. Right. Kunikida wasn't the only one worried about losing the suicidal maniac. Even the President and Ranpo-san had returned since the search began.
The heated discussion ended with the decision to let the drugs run their course. Dazai would be kept at the President and Ranpo-san’s house in the meantime – it was collectively agreed as the safest place they had access to – and he would be closely monitored at all times. From some reason, it drew a grin on everyone's face when Kunikida volunteered for the job. Kunikida couldn't really blame himself for turning into a blushing mess then and there.
Dazai’s breath is hot against his skin. Kunikida wishes they could give him something to bring down his raging fever. But, Dazai already has enough drugs in him so Yosano-sensei doesn’t feel comfortable administering more. At least, the washcloth seems to be helping. He gives it a squeeze before taking it out of the bucket. When he turns, his heart skips a beat at the half-lidded brown eyes that meet his own.
“Dazai-”
“Who are you?”