Chapter Text
It first happened just days past his fourth month into his ANBU recruitment. He was freshly fourteen and about to get his first handjob in the locker room from a teammate two years his senior, Kakashi half out of his mind with drugs swimming in his system and an arm tightly wrapped to his chest after a mission that had almost gone wrong. He doesn’t remember the person that jerked him off — their hands were scarred and fingers short and stubby, white mask still firmly put into place — but he remembers loving it, arching into the dry hold of someone else's hand, panting into a sweaty neck and grasping at the half-undone uniform straps. He came fast and all he could hear was his own muffled moans, tasting blood on his lips, and after he reached out to the other’s pants he got swiftly pushed away, hearing an echoey ‘no’. They have to go, they say. They need to report to the captain. And Kakashi asks, Don’t you want me to help you? Don’t you want me to return the favour? Don’t you need me to give you a hand, don’t you need me, why don’t you need me? And they answer Sorry, I really need to go, it really can’t wait, you need to check with the med-nin, you are about to black out, Kakashi.
So Kakashi blacks out. They didn’t need him to help so he doesn’t. He stays away and he doesn’t mention it again and they don’t either. It’s fine. Kakashi knows when he isn’t needed.
It was two days past the Kyuubi attack that he got his dick wet again, fumbling wildly in bed that wasn’t his own, mouth so wet and hot on his cock. Kakashi never had his dick sucked before and he comes so fast even he knows it was embarrassing, thrashing under gentle kitten-like licks to the underside of his dick, calloused fingers squeezing his balls, milking the come and the exhaustion out of him. He sprawls boneless on the sweat-soaked sheets and takes a few deep breaths before he can lift his head again, feeling drugged and sad and possessed, and he asks, Can you come closer, can I touch you? Can I suck you off? You can fuck me, you can do anything to me, don’t leave, you don’t want to leave, do you? But Genma shakes his head and wipes his reddened lips with the back of his hand, looking at Kakashi from under his unwashed bangs, and his lips curve into something like a smile that never reaches his eyes. I don’t see you this way, Genma says, you need to rest, he says, please try to fall asleep. He doesn’t kiss Kakashi and he avoids Kakashi’s pitiful grasp, and he tucks him in and abandons him alone in Genma’s room, and leaves him fresh coffee in the morning and never mentions it ever again.
So Kakashi backs away. Genma didn’t need him so Kakashi won’t press it. Kakashi cleans the dried spit and come off his stomach and thighs, drinks his coffee, and leaves because he knows when he isn’t needed.
It was a year and a half after meeting Kinoe-Tenzo that Kakashi fucks a daimyo's mistress miles away from Konoha, his balls wetly slapping her ass, arms trembling and breath catching in his throat as she moaned and humped his dick underneath him. Sukea, she called him because this was the name he gave her, Give it to me, Sukea, and Kakashi gave it to her, diving his dick harder inside her because she wanted him, she needed him, even if it was just for this moment, and Kakashi couldn’t say no. He licks his way up her neck as she thrashes underneath him, and Kakashi waits until her eyes roll back and her spine arches to slit her throat and wipe the blood on her breast, sliding the kunai back into the sheath on his thigh. He tucks himself back into his pants, cock still hard and straining, and he doesn’t look back to see her body wrecked and bleeding out and cold on the sheets. He jerks off when he gets back from the mission, report neatly laying on Sandaime’s table, ANBU armour disposed in a pile on his barren apartment’s floor. When he comes, Kakashi thinks of her grasping hands, bringing Kakashi’s shoulders closer to her strung-out body.
It was eight years, five months and two days after Kakashi got his first hand job that he falls apart under his teammate’s body, tightly pressed into the wall, cock hard and big and piercing in his ass. Kakashi can’t breathe and can’t speak, the slide inside him is too dry and harsh, slickened with too much blood and not enough spit. Kakashi is half-hard and whimpering, but the most important part is that Boar is panting into his neck, his hands digging into Kakashi’s skin as he is rutting inside, diving his cock in with a harsh slap against Kakashi’s buttocks, growling You need this, don’t you? You need this, take it, take my cock, come for me, moan for me, and Kakashi does because this is what Boar needs so Kakashi needs it too. Kakashi is a leech and a stranger, a hole someone can fill, a worthless little thing that only takes and never gives. When Boar comes and grinds harder into Kakashi’s buttocks, Kakashi revels in the feeling, arching his back, cock still half-hard and wet, smearing saliva and lube on the smooth wall of the locker room from when Boar had sucked and jerked him off. I did this, Kakashi thinks, reaching with his hand between his thighs and smearing come on his heaving stomach. I did this to him, Kakashi marvels when Boar slumps back, and Kakashi watches his limbs tremble as Boar tries to gather himself and tuck his limp cock back into the ANBU uniform pants. Boar doesn’t offer to help Kakashi come again — he leaves with a quick nod, not waiting for Kakashi to nod back, and Kakashi tucks into himself with a grateful smile, smearing come on his own skin, pressing thighs together and rocking into his own body heat, cock hard and aching, ready to come. Kakashi feels good crawling back into the sheets of his bed, curling around a pillow, Boar’s come drying between Kakashi’s asscheeks. When Kakashi falls asleep he is peaceful, hand still wrapped around his half-hard cock.
Kakashi’s chest is hurting and his head is swimming, and Obito doesn’t look at him, not really, not when his head is hung so low and his lips are curled into a snarl. Why am I alive, Obito asks, Why didn’t you let them kill me, he demands, and Kakashi can’t say anything besides Please let me help you, I want to help you, I need it, oh god, oh fuck, so he doesn’t.
Obito looks at Kakashi like he is a disappointment, like he doesn’t know what’s good for him, and Kakashi wholeheartedly agrees — if only Obito wasn’t bound in the T&I cell, if only he looked back at Kakashi and saw him for the worthless trash that Kakashi was, maybe he’d be able to help him in return, too. Maybe he’d give Kakashi’s life reason again, bring him back some worth now that Kakashi can’t fight anymore, can’t die after every mission, is stuck at the Hokage tower and suffocated under a heavy and ancient robe. Maybe, because Obito had helped Kakashi, Naruto, and the world, because Obito was always eager to help ever since childhood — because this is what kept Kakashi going, all those years, made him want to come back even if he couldn’t help anyone, even if was useless, helpless — just maybe, Kakashi can be allowed to help Obito back. Maybe, if Obito had just looked at Kakashi once, if he had slapped him, told him to get over himself, to get a hold of himself, to stop being a worthless bastard, Kakashi would stop feeling like a selfish piece of shit again.
“I want to help you,” Kakashi begs, pleads, hands fisted in the fabric of his robe. Don’t you need me? Why don’t you need me?
Obito lifts his head and arches an unimpressed eyebrow, mouth twisted into something self-deprecating, pitiful, despairing. Kakashi watches with fascination as his own face looks back at him, manifesting over Obito’s twisted features.
“Why would you want to help someone past saving?” Obito asks and Kakashi bites his bottom lip because yes, yes, gods he is so hard he can’t help but arch his back where he was sitting on a bench, back pressed into a damp prison wall.
“Because I want to,” Kakashi answers like the selfish shitstain that he is. Because I need to, he doesn’t add.
Obito shakes his head and Kakashi’s breath hitches when Obito’s neck gets exposed from under the low white collar, straightjacket holding his arms back. The artificial skin on his neck clashes with the tan on Obito’s jaw, and it makes Kakashi want to bite it, mark it, slide his cock over it and get to know the difference between the textures of Obito-then and Obito-now.
“You are insane,” Obito says and it is not a No, Kakashi, I don’t see you this way, and it is not a No, Kakashi, I have a report to give.
Kakashi leaves the prison cell and does not think of all the mindblowing sex they could’ve, might’ve, never will be able to have.