The Great Crush War of '23

by BiographyDivider (Biography_Divider)

Summary:

The Disaster Twins are at that special age when romantic feelings are blossoming. Good thing they can rely on each other to absolutely ruin everything.

Chapter 1

"Dear Gallileo, what am I even going to say?!" Donnie spun in a tight, nervous circle, clutching his Atomic Lass #1 against his chest. "Do you think she'll remember me from the last convention? She won't remember me. But what if she does?!"

He affected a swoon, and Mikey awww'd appropriately. Raph ignored the entire situation; his brothers acting all lovey-dovey made him uncomfy. But they'd all agreed that each brother got to do one thing at NeonCon that was just for them, and this - standing in line to meet Atomic Lass - had been Donnie's choice. At the back of the cluster of turtles, Leo rolled his eyes. "Do you know how many autographs Atomic Lass has probably signed? She wouldn't remember the last person in line if they smacked her on the --"

"She'll remember you, D!" Mikey interrupted, throwing his arm around Donnie's shoulder. "You're, like, the perfect fan!"

"More like fanboy," Leo grumbled. "I've seen your AO3 account, D."

"Okay, Leo; what is your problem?" growled Raph, losing patience. "You're usually all about these meet-n-greets, but you've had a sore head all day."

"Pfft. I just don't wanna miss all the good stuff at Artist's Alley." Leo folded his arms with a huff. "I promised a friend a custom keychain, and if I don't get it I'll be pissed."

"'A friend', hm?" Donnie scoffed. "Pray tell, is this the same 'friend' who has you giggling into your phone every night? The same 'friend' you keep sending bathroom selfies to?"

A faint blush crept across Leo's cheeks. "How do you -- Donnie, have you been hacking my phone again?!"

"Ohmigosh!" Mikey chirped, whacking Leo in the face with his Red Fox plushie as he bounced up and down. "Leo - do you have a boyfriend?! Is it the bunny from the Hidden City? He is cuuuute!"

"Me?! Nah! Psshh. Whaaaaat?!" Leo laughed - unconvincingly. "I-I-I don't know what you mean. But seriously D, if you've been looking at my phone I'm gonna --"

"No need, dear twin of mine." Donnie waved him off with a nonchalant hand. "One simply needs to have eyes to notice that, for the last two weeks, you have been absolutely, inexcusably and undeniably..."

"Next in line, please! The four, uh, green guys, come on up."

"...twitterpated," Donnie finished weakly.

On the podium ahead, sitting behind a long, black table and sipping from a takeaway coffee cup was a woman of about thirty, with ruffled blonde hair and a small, wry smile, wearing a t-shirt bearing her character's logo tied at the midriff. Everything suddenly went slow-motion and soft-focus.

"Hi guys," Atomic Lass leaned forward and beckoned them closer. "You boys enjoying the convention so far?"

If Donnie heard his brothers muffling their sniggers as he stiffened, suddenly starstruck and dumbfounded, he didn't acknowledge it. Probably because of all the blood rushing in his ears. He'd been basically in love with Atomic Lass since he was old enough to comprehend the movies playing on Dad's TV screen. She was IT, as far as his type was concerned. She was just...she was just so impressive, wasn't she?! And brave and pretty and sarcastic and pretty and intelligent and pretty and pretty and pretty...

"Hey," Atomic Lass said, waggling a finger in Donnie's direction. "I remember you. JimCon 2019, right? You had that cute little Robo-Bloodsucker costume."

"I --!" If Donnie's spine got any straighter, it might snap right out through his shoulders. "I...um..."

C'mon, Don," Leo snarked, typing away furiously on his phone. "Talk to her. Charm her with that big brain. The quicker the better, please."

"That was it!" Atomic Lass snapped her fingers in Donnie's direction. "Donatello. That's your name."

Holy. Nikola. Tesla. Donnie's heart was basically thumping its way out through his plastron, any and all thoughts flying out his head like so many Hushbats. So, of course, his beloved brother filled in the gaps.

"Yeah, Donatello here's a huuuuge fan. You could say he's really...inspired by you."

"Leo," warned Raph, while Mikey desperately tried to fan the blush out of Donnie's cheeks.

"In fact," Leo continued, "have you ever heard of a little site called AO3...?"

Donnie snapped back to reality with a crack. A bead of sweat appeared at his temple.

"Nardo, what're you doing?"

"'Chapter one,'" Leo read from his phone, adjusting an invisible pair of glasses. "'Atomic Lass was well aware that Othello Von Ryan was evil. He'd conquered half the galaxy, after all. But still, she felt inescapably drawn to his enigmatic genius and smouldering good looks - like iron shavings to a magnet - and late one night she could stand it no longer...' No Donnie, no Donnie wait no I'm sorry ---!"

Pandemonium erupted as Donnie launched himself at his brother, sending them both flying from the podium.

...

"Well done, D," Leo growled, as security escorted the pair from the premises. "There goes my chance to get to Artist's Alley."

Ahead of him, Donnie froze, mid-step. "Artist's Alley?!" He laughed incredulously. "You're still thinking about your dumb-dumb keychain?!"

"Well, duh. It was important, Donnie. Honestly, have a little consideration sometimes --"

Leo's whining was stopped in his throat as Donnie whirled and yanked hard on his bandana, pulling it out of place and across Leo's eyes.

"Listen well, Hamato Leonardo," he spat, so close Leo could feel his brother's breath on his face. "You will live to rue this day."

"If you're gonna beat me up," Leo drawled, "just beat me up and get it over with."

"Oh no, dear brother. I have plans for you." Donnie gave Leo a little push; just enough to knock him off balance. "I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid."

"Don't quote Game of Thrones at me, you dork!" Leo yelled, straightening out his bandana and pushing his brother right back.

"I'll get you for this humiliation, Nardo." Donnie turned on his heel and stomped off home. "Just you wait."

Leo huffed and made for home; trying to make his bad mood evaporate before he got to Run of the Mill Pizza tonight. Donnie and his stupid, babyish crush. Whatever. Leo had an actual, real-life cutie waiting for him. And he'd better go home and get dressed. First impressions were important, after all.

...

"So, how was the con?"

"Yeah," Leo said, trying and failing not to get lost in his date's eyes. "It was...yeah. Great. We did...stuff, and saw...things. Oh, and Mikey won this Draw This In Your Style competition, got this huuuuuge Red Fox plushie to take home, it was hilarious. You really gotta meet him some time."

Preferably before our inevitable wedding, right?

"Sounds fun," Usagi said, flicking his ears over his shoulder. He'd worn them down tonight - clearly in an attempt to give Leo a heart attack. "I wish I could've come. Those tickets sell quick, huh?"

"Hahahaha yeah you're so funny anyway," Leo said, gesturing wildly and narrowly avoiding knocking over the pitcher of ice water Señor Hueso had just placed on the table. "So you're a samurai, right? What's...what's that like?"

Eeugh boy. That trademark Faceman charm was definitely missing tonight. And Leo was absolutely not looking forward to telling Uagai he hadnt been able to get him the custom keychain he'd promised, in a moment of flirtatious bravado, that he'd get from Usagi's favourite artist. He was fast learning that, around a cute boy, he was about as subtle and gregarious as a brick to the face.

And this boy was cute. C-U-T-E, with his fluffy, clean white fur and nice eyes and oh Leo wanted to kiss that cute little nose of his so bad --

"Leo?" Usagi cooked his head to the side.

Oh crud. He hadn't been listening. "Oh, ah....hmm?" Leo said, leaning on his knuckles and gazing at Usagi; stalling for time and hoping he looked thoughtful, not vacant.

Usagi laughed - thank God. "I asked you what you think I should do about it. You're a pretty smart guy, so I knew you'd give great advice."

Cruuuuuuuuud.

"Hm, oh, well I...if I was you, I...would...lay everything out in detail."

WHAT IN THE HELL HAD THEY BEEN TALKING ABOUT SEND HELP

"All the, ah, information. Pros and cons. Preferably in written form so I can read about it too. You know; strategize. Together."

Usagi smiled and - were those Flirty Eyes? Had Leo managed to not totally mess this up?! "Are you saying you want to talk about it in more detail? Like, over a coffee sometime?"

Thank you Pizza Supreme in the sky. "That's absolutely what I'm saying," Leo purred, biting into a slice of pizza to emphasis his point.

"Sorry to interrupt, boys," murmured Heuso at Usagi's shoulder, "but I did wonder if you would appreciate some musical accompaniment to your meal tonight. We have some new musicians in rotation at the last moment, and I really think they'd set the perfect atmosphere."

Before Leo could say no, Usagi was beaming and nodding along. He was so enthusiastic. It was adorable. "Sounds good, Señor. You up for being a guinea pig, Leo?"

"Sounds...sounds great," Leo said. Maybe some music would set the mood. And it would mean he had less opportunity to run his mouth and ruin his chances of a lil' moonlit smooch later on.

"Excellent. Gentlemen?" Señor Hueso clapped his hands, and a Yokai rounded the corner with an accordion. Hm. Okay, not what he was expecting, but it could still work in Leo's advantage. Music was the food of love, as Donnie said.

Actually, funnily enough, the Yokai looked like Donnie would when they were a bit older; once Donnie could grow a...

Aw, crud.

The moustache peeled away from Donnie's nose, and as he smoothed it back with one hand and hefted the accordion into place with the other, Leo vowed that he would murder his twin in his sleep the first chance he got.

"Ahem. A song for the happy couple." Donnie played a little flourish on the accordion. "'For this is the night'," he sang - getting the attention of every single person dining at Run of the Mill, "it's a beautiful night..."

Donnie caught Leo's eye, and smiled as innocently as a viper about to strike. "And they call it Bella Notte..."

"Aww!" Usagi cooed, shuffling around to sit closer to Leo in their booth. "I love that movie."

"Uh-huh, me too," Leo seethed; casting a glare over at Hueso - only to realise the skeleton was suddenly very invested in cashing up a register. Though Leo did noitice his shoulders were shaking. Traitor.

This was horrendous. He has never been so embarrassed.

Then Raph showed up.

"Er, look at da skies," he croaked in his awful, shout-singing baritone, joining Donnie at the table. "They have, uh, stars in their eyes. On this love-a-ly-a Bella Notte."

"Usagi," Leo muttered, turning to his delighted date, "I am so --"

"Side by side, with your loved one," Mikey belted, wandering out from the kitchen with a hand on his heart and an identical moustache to Donnie's on his face, "you'll find enchantment here..."

Et tu, Michael?! Though Leo had to admit; his kid brother had an impressive vibrato. He sounded a lot like Dad, to be honest.

Oh God. What if Dad was here?!

"The night will weave its magic spell," Donnie crooned, slipping into the booth beside Usagi - the accordion nudging against the pitcher of water, almost tipping it over. Leo dove across the table and caught it just in time. Usagi jumped out the way, laughing. His hip bumped against Leo's and, despite the horror of the scene around him, Leo had to resist pulling him a little closer. This bunny was gonna kill him, he just knew it. "When the one you love is near, ohhh..."

Donnie looked right at Leo. Smirking. Then, quick as a flash, he held out a closed fist and dropped a custom Jupiter Jim keychain onto Leo's plate. A little chibi Atomic Lass, with a speech bubble that said "Usagi!" in cute, cartoony script.

"Now you owe me," he mouthed, and Leo sometimes wondered if his brother really was evil.

"Thank you, D," Leo growled through gritted teeth; slyly upending the pitcher of ice water into his twin's lap. The accordion screeched and twanged in response as Donnie leapt backwards and away, biting back a curse and nearly kicking Leo in the face. Raph and Mikey dog piled into the booth, still singing - in between mouthfuls of stolen pizza from their brother's plate.

It was chaos. It was madness. It was inevitable, really. Like the first Hamato to go on a date was going to have a normal time of it.

"Thiiiiiiis is the niiiiiight," Raph and Mikey sang in unison, "and the heeeeeaavens are riiiiiiight..."

"Oh! You got me the keychain!" Usagi cried, flinging his arms around Leo and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Aw, thanks Leo; aren't you just the sweetest thing?!"

If Leo got struck by lightning in that moment, he could die happy. "Uh, yep; that's...that's me. Sweet."

"This is so fun," the bunny said, offering a slice of garlic bread to Leo. "Dinner and a show! We should come here for all our dates."

"Ahehe," Leo laughed weakly, taking the offering and stuffing it into his mouth. "..yeah. Sure. Wait, hold on. Did you say 'dates', plural?"

"On this loovely Beelllaaa Nooootte..."

Chapter 2

“Hey, uh, Donnie?”

“That is the abbreviated version of my name, don’t wear it out.”

Mikey crept into the lab. Donnie was sitting with his back to the door; feet up on the desk, tinkering with some palm-sized gadget and a screwdriver. “I really need to work out a code for that door that you cannot crack,” he said, glancing over his shoulder. “Oooh, although; is that a matcha latte?”

“Yep.” Mikey brandished the glass mason jar like an offering. Donnie spun in his seat and held out his hands, fingers twitching like a tot.

“Gimme. Oh, sweet caffeine, how I longed for thee.”

“I did the brown sugar syrup you like!” Mikey chirped; possibly a little too chirp-ily. “An’ the foam on top, too.”

Placing his own glass straw in the jar, Donnie raised an eyebrow. “You want something.”

Nothing got past D. “It’s just,” Mikey said, flopping down at his brother’s feet and leaning back against his legs, “I…just…Donnie, how do you talk to someone you like?”

The very air seemed to still.

“You like someone? Like, like-like?”

Mikey put his full weight on Donnie’s leg. “Ye-e-e-s-s,” he cried, eyes tightly closed. “I like them sooooooo mu-u-u-u-ch and I ha-a-a-te it…”

He didn’t hate it, not really. It felt awesome; like downing a million cans of soda and doing a sick flip on your skateboard at the same time. When he was around them, Mikey just wanted to…I dunno, he just wanted to spin them around, or something. Or put them in a jar and shake them. He wanted to take them up on a rooftop and show them what New York looked like at night. He wanted to draw them a really, really good portrait to show them how cute they were.

He might even want to kiss them, or something.

But inside, he didn’t feel like the kind of guy who did that. He wasn’t cool like Leo, or smart like Donnie, or handsome like Raph or confident like April. He was just those guys’ baby brother.

So, he was ready to learn.

Suddenly, Donnie’s face was right by his own. “Have I met them? Are they good enough? What’s their IQ? Their height, their resting heartbeat? What’s their opinion on public displays of affection? Do they have any psychopathic tendencies, like putting pineapple on pizza or breaking the spines on books? They do in fact read, right?” he asked, rapid-fire. Mikey scooted backwards; D was either the coolest cat in the…cat-place, or he was right in your face. Today, apparently, was a too-close kinda day.

“Jeez, Donald! Chill!”

“Sorry; sorry.” Donnie took a calming sip of latte. “Ahhh, perfect. So? How did we meet them?”

Mikey could already feel the blush climbing up his cheeks. “There’s this community art project. This graffiti wall type thing. Not just crappy tags, but real good stuff, you know?”

Donnie nodded. “They’re an artist. Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything else.”

Inside, Mikey glowed just a little brighter. He knew D was the one to come to with his problems. Leo had the most, uh, experience with dating, but he was too busy making kissy-faces at Usagi over Facetime. And he liked Usagi just fine, but he didn’t trust him with this sorta stuff yet. And Raph…

A tiny, scribbly older brother stomped around inside Mikey’s head. “Lil’ man, I don’t know if I like this idea of you ‘asking someone out.’ I mean, I haven’t even met them yet! Maybe they should come to the lair for dinner sometime – or better yet, I’ll come with ya to this art thingy and, you know, set some boundaries! Work out their intentions. You’re way too young to be datin’ anyways – I didn’t let me have crushes ‘til I was way older than you are now. Maybe next year, huh?”

Mikey shook Mind Raph away. What he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. “Anyway,” he continued, picking up a random bolt from Donnie’s desk to fiddle with, “we started leaving each other, like, lil’ coded messages? Nothin’ special, but I have this little signature doodle, and so do they, and the stuff they draw is just so cute and soft and they always choose such nice colours and then we actually met and they invited me to do this big collab with them because they ‘liked my style’ so we’ve been texting a ton and now I think about them all the time and –”

“Aaaannd now you need your big brother to help you to organise a confession?”

Mikey nodded, eyes glittering. Donnie leaned back in his chair, slurping up the last of the matcha latte, eyes closed.

“You know the truest way to a person’s heart, Angelo?”

Mikey thought about it for a moment. “Honest and open communication?”

Donnie burst out laughing so hard Mikey thought he might fall backwards out of his chair. “Ahahahahahahaa, sweet, innocent Michael. No.” He picked up a Rubix cube and began flipping it over and over in one hand. “The best way to win the affection of someone you care about is with gifts. Things, Michelangelo, trinkets and gadgets and useful items show that you are truly thinking of them.”

“Oh. Huh. Okay.” Mikey pondered for a moment. “Oh; there’s this super luxe paint they wanna try from this bougie art store in the city; maybe I could grab them some and –”

“Pfft; you could, if you want to start small,” Donnie scoffed. “Or, lightbulb; you said they do graffiti, correct?”

Mikey nodded, scrabbling on Donnie’s desk for a pen and a piece of paper. He felt like he needed to take notes.

“I’m sure I could get access to the city’s planning records – read as: I already have access to the city’s planning records but you aren’t allowed to tell Raph that. With some time and research,” Donnie said, putting down the Rubix cube and templing his fingers together under his chin, “I could pull some strings, do a little bit of Donniemandering and reserve off an entire alleyway for them to use for their art…”

“Oh.” Mikey put the pen down. “D, that sounds like –"

“Creative freedom, Michael, that’s what it sounds like!” Donnie spun his chair back towards his computer and started typing frantically. “And, I mean; why stop at an alleyway? Why not an entire side of a building?”

“Donald…”

“And with that amount of creative space, the ideas will come thick and fast, right? I know mine would. So they’ll need a rolling supply of, well, supplies; we could get them set up an order from whichever store your little orange heart desires; all on the Hamato black credit card of course…”

“Donnie –”

“Oh; black!” Donnie snapped his fingers, eyes shining wildly. “That reminds me; what’s the name of that really exclusive pigment? The one that the guy made – Anish Kapoor, you know the one; the blackest black ever created, what was it called…”

“Vantablack?” Mikey said weakly. Donnie reached up and pushed his goggles into position, grinning.

“Yes yes yes; that one. Now I know there’s a copyright in place, only Nanosystem are allowed to use it, yadda yadda. Nothing a little Donatello magic can’t get around. Aaaaand, voila! Hamato Donatello, sometimes I wish I could date you myself.”

“I feel,” Mikey whispered over the manic sound of keys tapping, retreating slowly into his shell, “like this isn’t about me anymore.”

“Oh, and you know what would really make any art installation shine? Uranium --!!”

Suddenly, Donnie’s phone began to ring, almost vibrating off the table. Donnie snatched it up and spun away from his screens. “You are conversing with Donatello,” he said cooly, as if he weren’t just on the verge of obtaining radioactive materials off the dark web. “Oh, April; is it movie time already? Come on in, I’ll disable the lab doors.”

When April arrived in the lab, she saw one of her brothers – or, rather, his shell – lying on the floor, while the other clicked frantically and giggled to himself. Neither was a good sign.

“What’s he doing?” April asked, as she walked over to take in the scene.

“Trying to get me a date,” Mikey whimpered, his voice echoing around the inside of his shell. April blew a raspberry.

“Why’d you go to Donnie? He’s, like, chronically single.”

“Hey!” Donnie protested, shoving his goggles up onto his forehead. “I have romantic experience! You set me up with Sunita’s friend; Libby?”

April cocked her head to the side. “And did you go on a second date, Donnie? After you filled the whole entire school with thorns trying to bio-engineer the perfect rose to give her, instead of just going to the florist like I said to?”

Donnie hung his head. “No.”

“Exactly. Come with me, Orange One,” April said, in a not-too-shabby impression of their Dad, as she ushered Mikey from the lab, “I will teach you the ways of romance. First lesson? Don’t do anything that weirdo said.”

…

“Are they holding hands? I think they’re holding hands!”

“Stop hogging the binoculars!”

“I told you to bring your own!”

“I didn’t know we’d be stalking anyone until I’d left home, D!”

Lying on a New York City rooftop, April and Donnie bickered over the chance to spy on Mikey and his date.

“Okay, let’s use one lens each.”

“That’s not how binoculars work – oh, okay, hang on!” Donnie nearly leaned right over the side of the building. “They’re getting closer…closer…and – we have contact!”

“A kiss?!” April practically jumped on Donnie’s back to see for herself. “He went for it?!”

“He went for it, baby!”

“Wooo! Go Mikey, that’s my little brother down there!”

“Yeah! Physical affection! Romance! And…okay, this is getting weird. I think we should stop watching, now. Eww.” Donnie put the binoculars away and rolled back onto the rooftop with a sigh. “I must admit, April; your methods seem to have paid off quite handsomely.”

“I just told him to tell them how he felt,” April shrugged. “Not everything has to be a scheme, D.”

“Yeah, uh-huh; I’ve sure learned my lesson.” As he spoke, Donnie took what looked like a sci-fi blowdart from his battle shell and, before April could stop him, leaned over the side of the building and fired.

“Ow!” said a voice from below them. “Something just bit me!”

“Ohmigosh! Are you okay? Here, let me look…”

“Donnie,” April muttered. “What was –”

“Tracking device. Whaaat?” Donnie protested, hands splayed. “They’re practically part of the family, now.”

“Just an old-fashioned romantic, aren’tcha D?”

“Of course. Wait, were you being sarcastic?”

Notes:

Mikey's turn! This wasn't meant to be a two-parter but I wrote it as a little gift for @acewithapaintbrush to cheer her up. Also I got told today that using they/them in a story was 'unreadable' and asked 'what was I trying to prove', so I wrote a whole goddamn fic about Mikey crushing on a non-binary person.

I'm pretty proud of 'Donniemandering', btw. Oh, my perfect evil purple one...

Notes:

I was basically doing housework to Disney songs and the scene of the boys crashing Leo's date popped into my head fully formed and it made me laugh so hard I wrote this over a few days on the train to work.

Sorry to any Usagi fans; I only know him as Leo's Boyfriend in fanon so I had to make up a personality. Let's call him an OC until I can find time to watch his show? x