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Now I don't know what to be without you around,
and we know it's never simple, never easy
never a clean break, no one here to save me
you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
and I can't breathe without you..
The day had ended badly. It all started out good, her wife texting her good morning and wishing her a good work day. She'd done the same, she knew Maya would be running into fires again and she wanted to wish her luck. She asked her to be safe. And Maya had replied an "always" as per usual.
It was good. They were speaking. Slowly going back to what they were before the disaster. The storm was finally dying down.
And then the impaled lady got into her thoughts and she freaked out so quickly she didn't even know where the tears had come from.
And then there were so many people outside yelling at them for literally respecting basic human rights.
And then there was the accident. She never thought she would feel like that again, but she did. It was just as when Andrea had died.
The pregnant resident laying on the ground, unconscious, and the time going by so slowly she wanted to scream. Nobody was moving fast enough and it just made her feel worse.
Both her and Addison were stable when she had left the hospital and she was completely exhausted.
After such a hard day, all she wanted to do was lay down on her wife's chest, breathing her in, feeling her strong arms surrounding her and protecting her as if nothing else in their lives mattered. Just them.
But she was still so scared to let her in, to let her have her way into her heart again. She didn't want to mess their progress up. So she didn't text her. She just went back to her sad and lonely hotel room to sleep and hopefully drown her sorrows in the chocolate smoothie she bought on her way back.
It was definitely a surprise when she got to her door and saw her wife against the wall next to it, playing mindlessly with her hands.
"Bambina?" Carina had said softly, not wanting to disturb her.
And Maya turned her head to Carina. They didn't stare at each other anymore. They looked right through each other's eyes and into their souls. It was something breathtaking to see.
"I.. I'm sorry I didn't text. I've had a really difficult day and.. I just wanted to see you for a little while" Maya explained, getting a little bit closer to the Italian.
Carina dropped everything she had in her hands and closed the distance between them almost instantly, hugging her wife as close as she could, as fiercely as she could. She mumbled some words but her face was so pressed against Maya's shoulder that the blonde couldn't understand anything. She just hugged her right back, her arms right on her waist, she hugged her as tight as she could, as much as she needed to. She didn't want to ever let go, but then Carina slowly started to pull away and she did the same reluctantly. They stayed close, though.
"I needed to see you too," Carina breathed.
"It was such a horrible day" She pouted and Maya wanted to kiss it right off her mouth as she always did.
"I'm sorry," She replied. "I wish I could make it better somehow"
"Just seeing you makes it better" The Italian said, smiling a little. "I'm so tired that I could sleep a hundred hours, but I really don't want to do it here.. Will you take me home? Even if it's just for tonight?"
She'd been really afraid to ask, not because Maya could say no, she had told her so many times that she'd been waiting for her that she knew she'd say yes, but she was still scared of all the what ifs and what could happen if she came back home.
"I would love nothing more than to take you home, Car" She said and smiled so bright. Carina wanted to kiss her so bad.
They walked to Maya's car hand in hand and then while they drove, Carina had her hand on Maya's knee, a force of habit she never wanted to forget. It was a slow drive, Maya wanting to make the most of it and letting the movement of the car lull Carina to feel a bit better. It worked and she was about to fall asleep when they reached the building.
Their apartment was the same and their bedroom was also intact. She quickly undressed and put on one of Maya's hoodies that her wife had laid out for her. Carina got into bed and waited for some minutes for Maya to join her but after waiting for a while she realized Maya wasn't going to come. She gathered strength and went out to the living room, where she found her wife laying on the couch.
"Aren't you coming to bed?" She asked and Maya turned her head to look at her with a confused expression on her face. Carina cracked a small smile.
"I didn't.. I thought you'd want some space. This is already a lot. You coming home for the night. I didn't want to assume anything"
"You're sweet and I am thankful that you are respecting my boundaries" Carina said, holding out her hand for her to take. "But tonight I really need you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I really need you tonight"
Maya immediately got up and together, hand in hand, walked to their bedroom, the same way they used to do.
They got into bed and Carina almost instantly laid her head on Maya's chest, hugging her close, breathing deeply as she felt her wife's arms hugging her back so tight it felt grounding. She felt at home. After so many weeks of cold sheets and boring white walls, she was home. Right there, inside her wife's arms, she was home.
And Maya couldn't believe that moment she had dreamt about for the past weeks was actually becoming a reality. She thanked her lucky stars for it and she kissed Carinas's forehead repeatedly, inhaling her scent. She was so thankful for her being there.
Then Carina opened up and shared everything that had gone wrong that day. The impaled lady. The protests against the clinic. The accident. She cried and Maya softly wiped out every single tear, patiently, listening to her and comforting her as much as she needed. She felt so angry inside. Carina was such a peaceful person, such an amazing human being and such a hardworking doctor, she didn't deserve any of that. And she felt so guilty about the impaled lady part. She didn't want to mess with her head and heart like that. But she listened. And she comforted her. And Carina got answers to many of her unasked questions as Maya comforted her. She was definitely home. There was nowhere else for her. This was it.
And then she'd asked Maya about her own day and she listened to the blonde talk about Beckett. About what she did. She'd also cried a little bit. She felt so guilty and she was also angry with herself, but Carina was quick to reassure her and tell her the same as Ben did. She did not make him drink on the job. She was sick. And Beckett is also sick. But she did not force anything down his throat, it was all him. It was strange for Carina, listening to her talk about her feelings and faults so freely after all that time of her bottling it all up. She got some more answers there.
There was no doubt. Right there, in each other's arms. They were home.
"I'm sorry if this made it harder for you to keep your space" Maya whispered, nudging her nose on Carina's forehead softly, making her smile with her eyes closed.
"It has made it harder. Now I won't want to let you go" She whispered as well, keeping her eyes closed as she caressed Maya's side with her fingertips.
"Then don't" Maya softly exhaled. "I can promise you lots of things but the best way of promising you anything is showing you. I am better. I will continue to get better. I will continue working with Diane and I won't ever shut you out again" She promised. "You have no idea how much I regret what I put you through these past few months, you don't deserve any of it and I can't believe you're still here, letting me hold you" She pulled her closer to make a point. "But if you'll let me, every single day I'll show you I'm fighting against this ghost. My past haunts me and my father is a vivid image that sometimes still appears in my head and it is hard. It's really hard. But you know what's even harder? Waking up each morning without you by my side". She let her go so she could look into her wife's now open eyes, glistening with tears. "Carina, you've shown me what true love means and I don't ever want to let you go. I never want you to be alone again. And I am not promising that we won't ever fight again because I know it's impossible. We argue over anything. But I am promising to talk it through. To keep our feelings in the open. To never go to bed angry with each other. I promise you I'll show you that I've been working really hard to be the woman you deserve. If you want to come home, I promise every day I won't just tell you, I'll show you how much I love you"
By the time Maya had finished, Carina had cried her fair share of tears. She had left her a little bit speechless, so she did what she had been wanting to do the whole night.
She pulled her close again and kissed her softly. Her plump lips closed on Maya's as their arms instantly found their way around each other, as they always did. Maya did not wait to reciprocate and she pulled Carina completely against her chest as she kissed her. They both exhaled into the kiss and then laughed a little as they separated their lips. Their foreheads pressed together, their noses almost touching. There was it. That was her answer.
And as they started to doze off, although they still had much to talk about and some conflicting feelings about their jobs, they still felt the most content they had felt in a long time.
Their homes were right there, in each other's arms.