Chapter Text
Here's a fact that no one else knows about Dazai's ability: Powers aren't the only thing he nullifies. No Longer Human, who is always active, shuts down and reduces, or completely disappears, every emotion Dazai feels before he can fully feel it. All the physical sensations of pain he retains, but his ability takes away his hunger, the taste of things, the desire to live. It makes him, just as the name of the skill says, into something not human enough. And since he's always been active, this is how Dazai has lived his entire life, wishing for death because whatever it means to be alive he can't have.
Of course he could feel, he was not a robot. That's why he preferred to refer to himself as not human enough instead of just plain non-human. It's just that it was much more like having the idea of the feeling than the feeling itself.
If he had to describe it with an example, he would have said that it was as if everyone else carried their feelings and sensations inside them, while Dazai's were inside a very deep cave and all he could reach were the echoes of these. With hunger or sleep it's especially tricky, it's not that he doesn't want to take care of himself, it's that he doesn't really feel either that things, however his body still needs both eating and sleeping, so it's especially counterproductive.
Dazai feels in echoes. Sometimes, when the feeling is strong enough, there is a burst, but it soon fades, leaving behind, again, only the echo of what it was.
It happened with Odasaku. Dazai knew that he loved his friend, even if he only felt the echoes of that adoration, he knew that he cared for him more than anyone else, he knew that he could feel warm next to him (which was partly why Oda caught his attention in the first place). And when he died, the pain had exploded in his chest like a thousand blades. It only lasted an instant, not even long enough to cry, but it was the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever felt. Afterwards, only the echo remained, the feeling of emptiness, of lack. Dazai thinks that this is worse than pain because if all you have left of a person when they die is what you feel for that person, what did Dazai have left of Odasaku? The answer is only one: His absence in every way.
It is for all of the above that Dazai lives from his mind, from calculations, probabilities, analysis and predictions. His intelligence is and has been, in many ways, his main weapon for survival since he set foot on the world. He is intelligent like few and does not feel like many. He observes, predicts and advances, he learns everything he lacks, how hunger seems to be seen in people, or joy. He imitates, a little over the top at times, but he learns quickly that a clown goes unnoticed, so that's okay. And deep down, deep down, maybe he's just acting like the person he wants to be: Someone who is undeniably human.
Dazai had never told anyone the true extent of his ability, except of course Odasaku, and that was only after a suicide attempt left him particularly vulnerable. It was the reason that Odasaku, dying, had been able to say with such certainty that Dazai did not care about good or evil, because he knew that Dazai was, because of his ability, unable to feel strongly enough to feel passion with one side or the other.
What even Odasaku didn't know was that Dazai deeply hated this about himself, the side effect of his ability. As much as he could hate something in echoes without real force.
Mori was the only other person who knew. Not because Dazai had shared it willingly with him, but because they had pretty much figured out together the source of Dazai's inability to feel like other humans, studying Dazai and his layered ability back in the days when Mori liked to play that Dazai was a insect in his microscope. Mori loved this characteristic of Dazai that was granted to him by No Longer Human. He made him, in his words, the perfect subordinate: Dazai could carry out any assignment without remorse, he could endure tortures that no one else could, he could spend weeks in captivity without food and sleep, he could see and experience the most horrible things because he didn't care. They caused no emotional damage in him.
Dazai, although he could admit that it was very useful for all those aforementioned cases, did not share Mori's idea that it was something wonderful. He felt more like a hollow doll, always wanting to die, but only because he couldn't live.
In fact, the brunette used to envy Chuuya (although he would die painfully before admitting it), because the redhead always seemed to be feeling too much, exploding and also getting emotional over the smallest things. It was like an overflowing river and Dazai longed for that, the ability to be able to live life instead of just being an outside observer of it.
It made him want to die so bad. And he tried, many times.
Obviously he was unsuccessful.
The thing with his obsession with suicide is that, ironically, nothing made him feel alive except being on the brink of death. At that moment, he was just like any other human being, and death simply represented the end of his torturous incomplete life.
Death made him human like nothing else did.
Dazai sometimes wondered what his teammates would think if they found out. What would Kunikida, or Atsushi, or Yosano say, if they found out that the person they are working with is not human?
What would Chuuya have said if he had known? Well, Chuuya probably would have laughed victoriously, considering how many times he questioned whether Dazai was actually human.
Dazai also sometimes wonders if he really likes his teammates. He knows, very mentally, that he cares about them and he wants to keep them safe, because they are good and they care and they are who Odasaku would have wanted him to be with, but Dazai can't know how he feels about them, or if he has feelings for them at all. Do you really care? He desperately wants to believe yes and acts on it, sometimes there are even bits of moments, sparks that have made him think yes, but he doesn't know for sure, he can't know for sure, and that's horrible, he's horrible...
Perhaps, he thinks, it's better not to know, not if the answer would end what little humanity Dazai pretends he retains.
It was easier when he was in the Por Mafia, because there everyone was trying not to show any emotion that would make them look weak and Dazai not showing emotion was more admirable than strange or suspicious. He didn't need to pretend then, not the way he does now.
Even with Chuuya, who aroused Dazai's particular interest, it was easier. Chuuya didn't expect anything from him, the Slug wouldn't even have been surprised if Dazai had explained what his power did to himself. Still, he did come to think on a few occasions, before Odasaku's death and before he left the mafia, that maybe he cared a little for Chuuya. He didn't know, and then he assured himself that it wasn't like that, but there were moments, when Chuuya's blue eyes showed longing and something akin to sincere care and concern when he looked at Dazai, that made the brunette want to reciprocate to at least a little bit of all those feelings, or at least to know if he have. But he can't know that, not for sure, no matter what he think about it.
Chuuya still doesn't understand (and will never know) that Dazai did him a favor, that he made him hate him so that all that caring, worry, and longing would disappear from his eyes, so that he would understand that Dazai was, and always would be, nothing more than a lost cause, just a worthless undertaking.
Despite everything, he prefers the life he has now, with the agency, because it is the life that Odasaku wanted him to have.
In the end, it's useless to worry about what ifs? His ability will never fade, so he will never know the answers to any of those questions that constantly torment him, he will never feel hunger, or the taste of food, or enjoy the warmth of the sun on his cheeks, he will never know what is to be passionate about something, and a million other things. He's learned to live with it until he's finally allowed to die, always too far from others even though he's with them, always off the board.
Dazai sighs and gets up from where he was sitting with his back against a gravestone. He brushes the grass off his pants and looks at the headstone.
"I'm trying, Odasaku" he murmurs, "can you see me trying?"
Later, when he leaves the cemetery, he leaves with the same thought as always: It will never be enough, it will never be different.
In the end, you can replace what's broken, but what do you do with what's never been there?
Notes:
Aaa and this fic begins. I'm so glad I finally posted this. Come in prepared, because I like drama o.o
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. If you comment, I'll probably update faster because I know there are interested c;
What did you think of this beginning? Suggestions are always XOXO
P.S: This is my twitter @_WolfSpirit__
in case you want to stop by and say hi c;
Chapter 2: “2”
Summary:
When a stranger starts stealing people's abilities, the ADA and the Port Mafia are forced to collaborate to solve it. Chuuya has mixed feelings (who does he think is Dazai's stupid new partner?) and Dazai tries to find his feelings.
However, something on the mission goes very, very wrong, and Dazai will have to deal with the consequences.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Dazai begins to think that when he has the instinct that getting out of bed is a bad idea, he just shouldn't get out of bed.
When Kunikida called him to inform him that they had an important case involving skill theft, Dazai should have said, "Hey, I went on vacation out of the country, look me up for the next case," and continued to hide in his bed under the covers for the rest of the day. Not that he wanted to sleep or anything, but objectively speaking sleeping was an acceptable way to kill time when all other options were logically unsatisfactory for his purposes.
However, he did not. He got out of bed and went to work to find out more about the case that Kunikida was impatiently waiting for them to take on.
That's how the real problem started.
The victim in question was a man in his thirties who had a fairly simple and harmless ability: Tokio Blues, which allowed him to show people his most beautiful memory if he touched them.
And had is the key word there.
The police found him unconscious in the street, bleeding from a head wound and with traces of dried blood on his nose, eyes and ears. But he was alive, and when he woke up in the hospital and was questioned by the police, he started ranting about his lost ability and how a white bolt had attacked him in the middle of the night and ripped his ability off, and then he started babbling about feeling empty, as if a piece was missing, and the police had cut the recording of the interview there.
Naturally, being a matter of people with special abilities, they had applied to the ADA, so now the case was theirs.
First, they took it upon themselves to corroborate with witnesses that the man, Mr. Murakami, did indeed have an ability, and that indeed he had mysteriously lost it, and then, being able to affirm that all of this was correct, Dazai and Kunikida they took it upon themselves to build a tentative timeline of what that man did that night in order to reconstruct what led him to lose his ability (Dazai would have done it with Ranpo, but the other detective is on another case outside of the city at this time).
His theory thus far was that it was an ability user with no connections to any organization, who probably had an altered version of Dazai's ability, removing powers instead of nullifying them. However, it seemed to be permanent, because No Longer Human's touch on Murakami when they had gone to see him in the hospital hadn't restored his ability, nor had it come back to him naturally. It was, without a doubt, a very worrying matter, mainly because they still had not been able to find the motivations or the location of this unknown person, nor did they know if or when he would attack again.
And then, two days after the ADA received the case, a low-ranking member of the Port Mafia lost his skill in the same modus operandi, which in addition to confirming to them that it was not an isolated case, forced them, in pursuit of the tentative truce that fluctuates between both organizations, to share the information of the case with the mafia, so that the mafia would allow them access to the new victim.
Dazai was right, he should have pretended he was out of the country and come back for the next case. If he had, he wouldn't be here right now, after all, trapped in the agency's meeting room, with Akutagawa and Chuuya.
Kunikida and Atsushi are also here. Dazai can practically feel the nervousness exuding from Atsushi as the boy tries to look anywhere but at Akutagawa and tries to stay sneakily (not really sneaky, actually, but Atsushi clearly thinks so) very close to Dazai. Kunikida, on the other hand, is clearly disgusted at having to collaborate with the gangsters, and maintains a straight and serious stance. In another situation, Dazai would be taunting him but, with Chuuya's presence, he already knows who he's aiming his projectiles at.
"Just to be clear" Chuuya says, obviously upset with the situation, "I have no interest in working with you. I only came here because my boss and your boss reached an agreement" he looks at Akutagawa, as if expecting him to back him up, but that does not happen.
Akutagawa has a deadly gaze fixed only on Atsushi and, without taking his eyes off him, bows his head to Dazai: "Dazai-san"
Chuuya rolls his eyes in disgust.
Dazai waves a hand at Chuuya dismissively.
"Do you think I wanted to start my day having to see such a slimy, squeaky slug?" He makes an exaggerated pout.
He actually doesn't dislike seeing Chuuya, he's one of the few people who really excites him (you know, echoes), it's just that meeting him is inconvenient for him. Chuuya's presence brings up too many memories that Dazai keeps stored in a very specific compartment in the back of his mind, memories where they were partners, memories where Dazai seriously believed that Chuuya was…it was something, it was a lot, to him.
(Obviously he would rather die painfully than admit something like that)
"Who are you calling a slug, you fucking mackerel?!"
"Oh, but there's no use frowning like that, Chibi, you're so short no one can see it anyway."
"Hah?! Go to the hell, you fucking suicidal maniac!"
"I'm already there, with you, right now." Hums the chestnut.
"Unhappy bastard-!"
"Enough, slug, your barking is going to give me a headache" Dazai sighed dramatically, then quickly ducked to avoid a kick from Chuuya.
"Someday I'm going to kill you"
"Ow, would you really do that for me, Chuuuuya?"
"Damned-"
Before Chuuya can land another blow on Dazai, Kunikida grabs his partner by the collar of his coat and jerks him towards him.
"Ow, is Kunikida-kun being possessive?" Dazai sneers, brushing his nose against his partner's cheek. Kunikida, with absolutely no expression on his face, gives Dazai a hard, sharp blow to the back of the neck.
"Ouch!" It didn't hurt, really, but he's fine with letting Kunikida think so. The blonde never puts as much effort into his punches as Chuuya does anyway.
"Stop fighting the gangster, Dazai!"
While massaging the back of his neck, Dazai smiles mischievously.
"Well, if Kunikida-kun asks so nicely..." he replies, shrugging, and sits in the chair, with Kunikida sitting on one side of him and Atsushi awkwardly occupying the other side as he sighs, already used to the interactions between Dazai and Kunikida.
Chuuya watches all this interaction with a jumble of emotions churning in his stomach and a deep frown. For some reason, he hates this strange...familiarity that seems to exist between Dazai and Posit man. Who does the idiot with the glasses think he's hitting Dazai like that? That's supposed to be Chuuya's damn job.
(Although it's not your job anymore, right? A little voice in the back of Chuuya's mind scoffs, He's not your partner anymore, he belongs to the idiot with the glasses)
That was Chuuya's job. In past tense.
If Chuuya could punch his inner voice, he would. He doesn't fucking care. If Dazai has a new partner, it's not Chuuya's damn problem. In fact, better for him, so Dazai's nonsense is no longer his responsibility, but the idiot with the glasses. It's a fucking win-win.
The redhead slumps into the chair on the other side of the table with a deep frown. Akutagawa remains standing.
The next few minutes, they listen to Dazai lay out the plan to intercept this unknown ability user in order to catch him before he starts going for victims with more significant powers.
And, by some miracle unknown even to themselves, no one dies in the process of this meeting (there are some punchs, but no deaths, that should be considered a victory).
They agree on a plan, put the pieces together, Dazai marks points on a map, and discuss strategies to infiltrate the place where they assume his unknown ability user is hiding. When Chuuya questions how they found out the possible place where the suspect is hiding, Dazai simply replies, "Ranpo-san gave me a few minutes of his precious time for a call."
"The candy-obsessed detective?" Chuuya frowns in disbelief.
"He is much more than that" Kunikida rushes to defend him.
"Calm down, Chuuuya~" Dazai hums, "I know your little brain can't comprehend true intelligence."
"Hah?!"
Finally, them decided that will carry out the plan tonight, in the safety of darkness. They will meet at the agency and from there they will leave for the location that Ranpo provided, an abandoned textile factory outside the limits of the Port mafia territory.
"Atsushi and Akutagawa will enter together from the front, as a distraction, since they are the fastest, enough to prevent their abilities from being stolen"
"I'm faster" Chuuya states petulantly, frowning at Dazai's explanation.
“Your ability is more important too,” Dazai replies, “We still don't know how this unknown's ability works, it's both possible that he simply removes his targets' abilities or retains them. And in case of the latter, what do you think? What would I do if I took possession of your ability, ne, Chibi?" Dazai explains all this with a smile that pulls at the corners, calm and cheerful, but it's a mask and everyone understands what he means beneath his cheerful tone: That possibility would be tantamount to total destruction."
"You and Kunikida will go through the roof, secure the place and prevent him from escaping. They should only intervene if things get complicated for Atsushi and Akutagawa"
"I won't work with him" Kunikida and Chuuya complain at the same time, then realizing that they spoke at the same time, they look at each other with displeasure.
"And I was the complicated one?" Dazai snorts, "Kunikida-kun, you can complain to the president. Slug, are you going to say no to Mori?"
"Damn Dazai-"
"I hate you so much-"
"Excellent. Let's continue." Dazai claps with an exaggerated smile. "I'll go in from behind to disable his ability. It should be easy, but since we don't know enough about this unknown, we're taking concerns. Any questions?"
Everyone raises their hand.
"Excellent, no questions. Can we end this meeting? I feel like Chuuya's short stature is going to rub off on me and I'm going to cringe if I stay near him"
"Hah?!"
A thump is heard throughout the agency. It's Dazai's face hitting a wall.
Yes, as he said before, Chuuya is truly exhilarating.
"Hey Dazai, have you eaten today?" Kunikida asks Dazai as he collects the papers to leave the meeting room.
Dazai hums, pretending to think so. Before, he found it especially annoying that Kunikida paid so much attention to his eating and sleeping habits to the point of making it part of the schedule in his notebook, it made Dazai feel exposed, as if he had been found out (look at him, he doesn't eat or sleep, Is not human). However, Kunikida just thought he was too bad to take care of himself and made it his partner's duty to do it for him, which, in the end, turned out to be helpful. In the absence of a feeling of hunger, it didn't hurt to have an external reminder from time to time that he did, in fact, need to eat to live, whether Dazai did something about it in the end, or not. He also did something about sleep: he slept a lot in sporadic places, like the office, in order to recover what he loses by not sleeping when he is alone.
It's not that, when he was in the Port Mafia, Chuuya hadn't noticed in Dazai the same things that Kunikida (and his other agency mates, if Rampo giving him candy and Yosano taking him for medical checkups were any indication) did, it's just that Chuuya was trying to be very subtle about it, and therefore it wasn't too much of a bother. Some days he would drag Dazai to his couch to sleep after a particularly difficult mission with the excuse that the boss would be angry if he left Dazai to die unattended, others he would throw some food in his face as The only thing a mackerel like you deserves it's leftovers (although it was really a good full meal, always), but most of the time (as long as they weren't on a mission together) they would be on their own, like everyone in the Port Mafia.
Dazai, after pretending to think it through, replies to Kunikida, "The lollipop Ranpo-san gave me this morning covers the fruit food group, right?"
"Stupid bandaged bastard" Kunikida slaps him on the wrist, looking at him sternly, "Can't you do me a favor and take care of yourself for a change?"
Dazai snorts and wraps an arm around Atsushi's shoulders.
"Ne, Atsushi-kun, do you want to go eat chazuke? Kunikida, since he's so worried about my eating habits, he's going to treat us to dinner, isn't he, Kunikida-kun"
The tiger boy's eyes sparkle with excitement.
"Of course!" Answer Atsushi.
"Dazai! Stop offering my money as yours!" Kunikida snorts, "This will be the last time I'll pay for you" he adds. Sounds like something he've said many times before.
The three of them walk out of the meeting room door, with Dazai making jokes, Kunikida scolding him, and Atsushi sighing fondly as he looks at the two of them.
Chuuya and Akutagawa are left behind, and Dazai pretends he can't feel Chuuya's eyes on the back of his neck, but he does. Something stirs in his chest, something very similar to longing and guilt, as he thinks of the redhead, but No Longer Human quickly takes it away and Dazai feels only the absence of things again.
"See you tonight, little stars!" he says goodbye to them, waving his hand without turning to see them.
"Fuck you-"
"Yes, Dazai-san"
Humans, real humans, Dazai thinks, are terribly illogical, layer upon layer of contradiction. Because Chuuya hates him but also cares. Because he did everything possible to make Akutagawa not want to be like him, but every blow he landed seemed to reaffirm his admiration for Dazai.
They are illogical, irrational. They don't understand that no matter how much Dazai lashes out and dances over his limits: He'll never be able to give them what he wants.
Chuuya doesn't give a shit about Dazai. He hates it, in fact. Yes, of course it does. Dazai is a fucking callous idiot who plays with people, he's played with Chuuya so many times, so he has no reason to feel anything other than hate for him. And he doesn't feel anything other than hate, he really doesn't.
And of course he doesn't feel a thing when he watches him interact with the bespectacled idiot like they're stupid best partners or some similar crap. He doesn't care that Dazai leans towards Kunikida, or that the bespectacled idiot cares about Dazai's habits. He does not care.
"Stupid Shitty Dazai" he mutters to himself, kicking a rock along the way.
Chuuya hates Dazai, it's a fact as absolute as the existence of the sun. End of story.
You know, if he repeats it in his head enough, he almost convinces himself that it doesn't hurt. That he doesn't mind the fact that he's able to trust Dazai with his life without flinching, but Dazai wouldn't trust him with the actual time of day in return.
He hates him so much.
"Hello, Chuuuya~" Dazai greeted happily, jumping up next to the bespectacled idiot. Tiger boy walks behind them, sighing as Posit Man scolds Dazai for not getting serious for the mission.
"Fuck you"
"What an aggressive dog"
"Let's just get this over with, mackerel"
"Are you so excited to collaborate with us, partner~?"
Chuuya tensed slightly at Dazai's pronunciation of the word partner. He calls it that whenever they meet, he did it in the fight with Lovecraft and later, in some sporadic missions in which they have been reunited for a truce. Clearly the word has no weight for him, unlike how important Chuuya considers that word to be, so significant, so powerful.
"The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can leave and never have to see your ugly face again" Chuuya growls gruffly.
"You bark too much for such a small dog," Dazai hums appreciatively, shrugging, then dodges the punch Chuuya throws back at him in response.
Everyone prepares to spread out in their positions according to the plan that Dazai designed, positioned outside the abandoned warehouse, right in a blind spot.
Atsushi and Akutagawa go ahead to sneak out the main entrance. Kunikida, Chuuya and Dazai walk together to the fire escape that Kunikida used to get to the roof (Chuuya is going to go up with his ability and taunt the other obviously). Dazai, on the other hand, will enter through the back door to wait for his opportunity.
"Drop dead" Chuuya says to Dazai by way of farewell, and ignores the disgusted look that Dazai's new partner gives him when he hears it.
"I hope so~" Dazai hums happily, making his own way towards the back entrance.
Chuuya takes one last look at Dazai before having to leave with the obnoxious, uptight idiot with the glasses.
Dazai realizes the miscalculation in this plan the moment he puts his hand on the rear door handle. In this place there are many people, not one, and all armed, definitely focused on protecting something, whatever or whoever steals the abilities.
Is not aunknown, at least not alone. There's a whole little organization around him.
"Atsushi. Akutagawa." He speaks to them through the comm. "It's not a person, it's a group"
"I think we already noticed!" Atsushi responds through the comlink, and Dazai is able to hear the sounds of fighting in the background.
He comes in.
From the roof, Chuuya watches as a fight breaks out between Akutagawa and the tiger boy against a bunch of armed men who surround something in particular, as if protecting it. He is about to go down himself to get rid of the bastards, something that will be very easy, but the hateful idiot with glasses puts an arm in front of him to stop him.
"Is that an invitation for me to break it?" Chuuya asks, looking at Kunikida's arm with murderous annoyance.
"You can't go down, Nakahara, remember the plan. Until we locate the skill thief, your skill is an emergency plan"
"Tsk" Chuuya reluctantly steps back and watches as Posit man materializes a corded gun and goes down to the fight.
Dazai probably chose to give him this role for the sole purpose of irritating him, because he knows how much Chuuya hates to stand by and watch while others get the action.
The first thing Dazai notices when he walks in is the man separated from everyone, pressing buttons in some kind of weird canyon. There, that must be his stranger. The second thing he notices is that everyone else isn't just protecting him, they're buying him time.
He gets it instantly: He's a machine, not a skill user.
Well, that makes the plan fundamentally useless, or at least, his role as nullifier in it.
So Dazai decides that he will take it upon himself to disable the man who is programming the machine through other methods.
Once he does (knocking out the man is almost insultingly easy), he signals Chuuya to come down and Chuuya doesn't waste a second, crashing through the ceiling and landing squarely on top of one of the men, knocking everyone out those that remain in less than a minute.
After finishing, of course, there is a debate about what they will do with the machine, whether this or that organization should keep it or if theu should destroy it. Engrossed in the discussion, they do not notice that one of the men gets up and activates the machine, pressing a single button.
Dazai notices it first, of course. He turns around and sees the cannon pointing directly at Atsushi and how the white beam that comes out of it is obviously aimed at attacking the tiger boy.
The brown-haired man can argue that his next move was guided solely by logic, he can point out the advantages of preserving Atsushi's ability over his own (although it is more a debatable than absolute argument), but in the end the reasons don't matter:
Dazai pushes Atsushi with all his might out of the cannon's range just in time to be pinned in place, almost instantly, by a white bolt that explodes before everyone watches.
The pain is indescribable, as if every molecule in his body was pulverized and rebuilt, and then as if his organs were being yanked from his body. Dazai screams and falls to his knees, his ears ringing, his eyes burning, his body tense and trembling as if receiving an electric shock. There's something wet running down his nose.
"Dazai!"
The white lightning, although it doesn't move him, feels like it's pulling him, tearing a piece of his own body off. Maybe he does, he doesn't know, he sees nothing but white light, he hears nothing but the sound of his own agonizing screams.
It feels like an eternity of torture, and then suddenly it stops: There's a crash, followed by the white lightning suddenly going out, and Dazai falls to the ground in a jumbled heap of limbs, like a marionette with its strings cut.
He is unconscious before he hits the ground, so he doesn't hear Chuuya breaking the machine or the screams of his teammates or anything.
His last thought before hitting the ground is that it feels like someone just ripped out him an entire organ.
And, in a way, something like that was what happened.
Notes:
So, from here the real action begins u.u In the next one, Chuuya worries a lot and Dazai deals with the repercussions that the loss of his ability has for him.
What did you think of the chapter?
Suggestions?If you comment I will be updating more often because I will know that there are interested! XOXO
Chapter 3: “3”
Summary:
Dazai takes the hit from the ability stealing machine. Chuuya worries and becomes a bit possessive. Kunikida is a good partner.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chuuya turns and watches in horror as Dazai pushes that tiger boy out of the way of the machine's beam and takes his place.
Damn idiot, he thinks, why the hell did you decide to play the hero just now?
And then he hears the scream, gut-wrenching and raw, and Chuuya freezes. Because Dazai doesn't scream. Dazai shows no pain. Of course, he's not infallible, he's human (despite what he thinks of himself about it), but he's never… ever heard Dazai yell like that. It's not- Dazai isn't supposed to sound like that, never.
"Dazai!" he screams. His first impulse is to run towards it, but he stops before doing so and instead heads towards the machine from which the lightning is coming.
The redhead briefly thinks that his boss would want him to hand over that machine to the mafia, or at least part of the secrets it contained. It's what a loyal soldier would do.
Chuuya does not hesitate, with his power, he destroys the machine with a single brutal blow.
Instantly, the white lightning disappears, and Dazai falls to the ground in a heap of messy limbs and blood. And it doesn't move again.
"Shit" Chuuya mumbled upon seeing him, anger giving way to overwhelming concern. He feels as if he has a block of ice on his chest when he sees the chestnut motionless on the ground and he rushes to get to him with his antigravity.
Kunikida is already there, moving Dazai carefully so he can lay him on his back for a better check.
Atsushi is still lying on the ground where Dazai pushed him out of the way, shocked, his eyes wide with shock and guilt fixed on his mentor.
Akutagawa hovered around Atsushi, frowning as his eyes remained fixed on Dazai's limp form, feeling extremely conflicted. If Chuuya was paying attention to his surroundings, he would be vaguely surprised by the fact that he hadn't tried to attack tiger boy yet. However, right now, he only has eyes for Dazai.
The image before him is, to say the least, worrisome: Dazai is unconscious and deathly pale even for him. There are traces of blood on his nose, in his ears, and in his eyes (just below the eyelids). There are also traces of blood on his lips, but Chuuya hopes (please, god, please) that it's only because he bit his lip or tongue and not because there's something inside him that's broken and bleeding.
Neither of the two previous victims of this machine died, so Dazai shouldn't- this shouldn't his life threatening. But it's hard to believe when he looks like this.
"Is he breathing?" Chuuya demands Kunikida, clenching his fists at his sides as he crouches down on the other side of Dazai's body.
The bespectacled man nods tensely, not looking at Chuuya to answer: "I feel is pulse, but it's unstable." He places his hand on Dazai's bloodstained nose, "He breathes" he adds, his voice sounding like a sigh of something akin to relief.
Chuuya exhales the air he hadn't realized he was holding as he waited for an answer. Breathing is good, yes, very good.
"Atsushi, call Yosano-sensei to her prepare the clinic. Tell her that it was not a skill, but a machine, and that hit Dazai and now he is unconscious"
Atsushi doesn't move, his eyes still fixed on his mentor's limp form.
"Atsushi!" Kunikida yells at him, and it seems to be the equivalent of a slap, because the tiger boy finally snaps.
"Y-yes. Right away!" he stammers as he stumbles to his feet and pulls his phone out of his pocket to presumably dial the doctor's number.
Chuuya frowns deeply. Despite all the noise, Dazai doesn't react in the slightest. Worries the redhead to shit.
Jesus Christ, Chuuya is going to kill this idiot for worrying him like this, for being a suicidal maniac who decided to put himself in the damn trajectory of a machine that they don't even know all the effects of yet. Objectively, he knows that the suicidal maniac is not going to die, because neither of the other two victims of this machine did, but the way Dazai screamed, as if his whole body was being torn apart, still echoes in Chuuya's head, and seeing him unconscious and stained with his own blood isn't helping too much.
Chuuya reaches out and grabs Dazai's wrist to feel for a pulse. It's not that he doesn't trust the bespectacled idiot's ability to find someone's pulse, but he wants-needs to feel it himself; to feel that Dazai's heart is still beating, to know that the brunette is still here, with him (damn, what a terribly idiot you are, he tells himself).
He finds the pulse easily, it seems to be regulating, probably due to his unconscious state. Also he note another thing:
"Damn mackerel, you're freezing" he mutters, more to himself, because it's clear Dazai can't hear him right now.
Before he is aware of what he is doing, Chuuya lets go of Dazai's wrist, setting it down carefully, and begins to remove his own jacket.
Instantly, Kunikida Doppo pulls a gun on him, attempting to pull Dazai closer to himself while demanding, "What do you think you're doing?"
Chuuya really doesn't have time for this shit. As much as he'd like to beat the shit out of the idiot with the glasses, his focus right now is on the idiot Dazai not dying of hypothermia before they can get him to that agency doctor.
He looks at Kunikida with boredom, because seriously, hasn't Dazai told his teammates enough about Chuuya for them to know that shooting him is completely useless?
"I'm taking off my coat, big genius. Shitty Dazai is freezing, so unless you want to take him to your damn agency turned into an ice cube, I'm putting my damn coat on him." Chuuya finishes taking off his coat, ignoring Kunikida's piercing look of suspicion, and covers Dazai with it. The image that remains of Dazai, covered in a black coat, reminds him too much of their mafia days, when they used to be partners, and Chuuya suppresses a shudder.
Kunikida, seeing that the mob executive is not threatening Dazai's life, lowers his gun.
"Akutagawa" Chuuya calls, and the boy is there in an instant, "Go bring the car closer so we can put it in" he orders, never taking his eyes off the smooth movement of Dazai's chest up and down.
Akutagawa nods and rushes to comply, while Atsushi talks to Yosano on the phone in the background.
Chuuya purses his lips as he watches Dazai's new partner brush his hair from his forehead to feel its temperature, he makes a face, probably checking the redhead's words regarding how cold his skin is (Stupid), and then stretches his hands as if to pick it up.
Something primal and animal lights up in Chuuya, leftovers from when he and Dazai were still partners and them don't allowed anyone else touch the other when they were injured on joint missions or vulnerable in some way.
"I'll take him," he says, and his voice sounds like an aggressive growl that leaves no room for objection, as he hastens to pull Kunikida away from the suicidal maniac to lift Dazai off the ground himself.
(To complain so much when Dazai calls him a dog, he's acting like a completely loyal one right now. Damn Shitty Dazai)
Chuuya knows he's being unreasonable, but he also knows how hard it is to fight old instincts. And now, his instincts tell him: Dazai is vulnerable, don't let them touch him.
Kunikida looks at him like he's gone crazy because seriously, is this the same guy who claims he wants to kill Dazai every time he sees him?
"The mission is over, Nakahara. Shouldn't you go back to the Port Mafia to…report to your boss or whatever they do there?" the blond wrinkled his nose in disgust at the mention of the Port Mafia, "We'll take care of Dazai." he adds.
That's right, Chuuya should go back to the Port Mafia headquarters to report to the boss as soon as possible. Dazai isn't his problem, not anymore. They are just old enemies who are now in a truce, they mean nothing more. Chuuya should gloat over the fact that Dazai is injured, even.
But he does not. Gods help him, he still cares about this bastard.
At Kunikida's stunned gaze, Chuuya lifts Dazai up in his arms, slipping one arm under his knees and the other under his shoulders.
"I'm the only one allowed the privilege of killing this bastard, so I have to make sure that no one is going to take it away from me," Chuuya affirms, and starts walking towards the exit with Dazai held tightly in his arms.
Kunikida, although still a bit upset, relents, and just walks next to the redhead to keep an eye on his partner, because Dazai can be annoying, but he's Kunikida's partner, and therefore the blonde wants to keep him safe. However, for the first time, he is unconcerned by Nakahara's threats against Dazai's life. After what he just saw, it doesn't seem to him that any of those threats are meant seriously. However, he finds it prudent not to mention his discovery, he doesn't think the Port Mafia executive particularly appreciates that observation.
Dazai is very light. Chuuya doesn't like how easily he can pick it up without the help of his ability. He also doesn't like leaving Dazai on the stretcher at someone else's hands, but he has to remind himself that she's not just someone else, she's Dazai's partner, they're Dazai's partners.
And Chuuya is not.
Also, Dr. Yosano can be quite scary when you're in her infirmary, and she seems genuinely concerned for Dazai's health, so Chuuya decides that he respects her and allows her to take him out of her infirmary without protest. Dazai disappears behind the closed door and Chuuya is left alone on the other side, fighting against the knot in his chest.
"His vital signs are stable" was the last thing he heard the doctor say before she closed the door in his face.
Dazai should be fine, at least physically, but there's something else Chuuya is worried about, and now that he's not worried about Dazai dying, he has room to think about it: Dazai's special ability is most likely gone now.
The two previous victims of that machine described the same thing: a white beam that caught them, the pain, the small hemorrhages in the nose, eyes and ears. And at the end, when they woke up, a void: their special ability was no longer there, and it didn't come back.
It makes sense that No Longer Human wouldn't have been able to give them their special ability back, because it wasn't another special ability that took theirs away, it was a machine, a human creation. And, as with Lovecraft, Dazai could be affected by it just as much as any other ability user.
This was going to be a problem. But damn it, it wasn't going to be Chuuya's problem. Why the hell should he care about the loss of Dazai's special ability? His only reason for concern should be the inability it would cause him to use corruption again, but he went four years without using it, he can continue like this. He should be happy that the Agency lost an advantage over the Port Mafia, he should-
"Chuuya-san" Akutagawa's voice snaps him out of his thoughts, "The boss is waiting for news of the mission"
Chuuya stops his gaze at the door that Dazai is behind.
"Then go back to HQ and give the report to the boss" he orders.
Akutagawa is surprised, though he quickly covers it up.
"Are you going to stay?"
Chuuya tenses slightly, making it an imperceptible action for Akutagawa.
"Don't you think it's important to inform the boss about the loss of an Agency agent's special ability? And, even more so, idiot Dazai, whom the boss, gods damn forbid, still wants back in his old position?"
It is a very valid excuse, although poor for those who really know Chuuya. Akutagawa, however, does not question this.
"Yes, Chuuya-san" he nods, and is about to leave when he stops suddenly, turning his back to the executive, "Do you think Dazai-san really lost-?"
"I'll know for sure when the bastard wakes up" the redhead simply answers.
Akutagawa simply nods, glances at the infirmary door, then leaves to carry out his orders.
Chuuya stays. He sits in the Agency's chair and seizes it, daring anyone who looks at him to pull it out.
Eventually, the Agency ones leave. It's late at night now and they're probably going to try to get a few hours of sleep.
Dazai's idiot new partner and the creepy doctor stay in the infirmary, they go in and don't come out anymore (the redhead knows it, he has all his attention on that door).
Chuuya doesn't sleep. It remains vigilant because even if there is a truce, technically this is still enemy territory. The couch is uncomfortable and he curses Dazai for hurting himself so many times.
But he doesn't leave.
The next day (it dawns quite quickly, considering that the mission was carried out at night), as the Agency members are returning one by one to their places, they discover something worrisome: The executive of the Port Mafia, Chuuya Nakahara, still is here.
He's sitting in the Agency chair, the same one Dazai usually naps in when he should be writing reports. The sight slightly unsettles all the Agency members, who stand cautiously away from the man who controls gravity and concoct theories as to why he is still here.
Everyone except Kenji, of course, who is absolutely thrilled by the presence of The Man Who Walks on the Roof, and flits around the redhead asking the occasional question.
Nakahara answers his questions cordially, almost amused, so Kunikida sees no need to intervene. It's not that he's thrilled that the executive is still here at the Agency, because he definitely isn't, but the president has already told him that, given the nature of the joint mission, Nakahara is allowed by the truce to stay and gain access to the same additional information on that machine as the Agency.
Unpleasant, yes, but unavoidable.
Kunikida turns his gaze to his computer screen and tries to concentrate on writing the report for this latest mission, in order to keep up with his schedule. At first he was with Dazai, but he gave up that spot in the infirmary to Atsushi. Either way, poor tiger boy isn't in the right frame of mind to write the mission report.
It's not that Kunikida isn't worried about Dazai or the possible loss of his special ability, because he is, but he has resigned himself to the fact that at least Dazai isn't physically injured and therefore they can just wait and see if Dazai's ability is gone or not when he wake up. So he are writing the mission report while he wait.
Suddenly, Yosano walks through the door with a folder under her arm and Atsushi, who looks like a beaten cat, walking meekly behind her.
When Kyoka, who had been staying in a far corner, sees Atsushi, he automatically approaches him and this separates him from Yosano, who walks over to Kunikida's desk and throws the folder on his desk. Automatically, everyone surrounds Yosano, waiting to hear news about Dazai.
Chuuya stays away, but also close enough to listen to what Doctor Yosano says.
"How is Dazai-san?" Tanizaki asks, cocking his head.
Yosano opens the folder.
"All of his exams are clean, except for this lack of vitamins, but we all know it's because he doesn't eat enough" both Kunikida and Chuuya snort at this, "Otherwise, he didn't suffer any internal damage from the lightning, his brain activity as well it's normal. His body temperature worried me a bit last night, but it quickly stabilized with the heating blankets. In conclusion, he should wake up soon and go back to being our usual annoying Dazai."
"What about... his ability?" Atsushi asks, wincing guiltily.
Yosano makes a face.
"We won't know for sure until he wakes up. I wouldn't feel comfortable with any of us testing his ability on Dazai while he's still unconscious" she is adamant on that matter and everyone quickly agrees.
Your companions really care about you, bastard, Chuuya thinks, and it's as much a relief as a stab in the chest. Because Dazai got more and Chuuya just got less.
No, thinking like that is not fair. For no one. Chuuya clenches his fists behind his back.
"Nakahara" Yosano directs his serious and penetrating gaze towards the redhead, "As you can see, there is nothing else to do here. So you can go now."
Chuuya's posture twitches, his brows remaining frowned.
Yes, he should go. His excuses for staying are poor at best. But Chuuya just can't force his feet out of this building. He just-needs the idiot Dazai to wake up, see him being an idiot again, and thus, maybe erase Dazai's horrible cry of pain from his head.
That's it, and then he'll walk away and hate Dazai again, because the suicidal maniac has the idiots at his agency to worry about him anyway if he lost his ability.
Dazai doesn't need Chuuya.
"I'm staying until the bastard wakes up." he affirms, meeting Yosano's death glare.
Yosano crosses her arms over her chest and faces him.
"Why?" she demands.
I could will never explain it. Even I don't know for sure, the redhead thinks, but still he's determined not to give in.
"I need-
He is abruptly interrupted by a shout that makes everyone present turn, startled and astonished, towards the door. It is a desperate, heartbreaking cry, as if the person who is screaming is suffering the worst of tortures. Splits Chuuya's soul in two completely against his will.
It's Dazai.
Notes:
What did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. I post a new chapter every saturday so see you next saturday <3
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
Chapter 4: “4”
Summary:
Dazai feels emotions, all at the same time and thinks he's going crazy. Chuuya is too worried about Dazai to care that the others see that he is worried. Ranpo arrives just in time to deliver a revelation.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
When Dazai wakes up after being unconscious for a while (you know, things that tend to happen in his line of work) he usually does a quick mental review of everything he remembers, then builds a solid theory about what might have happened next that he was unconscious.
This time is different. He recognizes the smell of Yosano's infirmary, of course, it's unpleasant and doesn't bring good memories to his muscle memory, and that's why he quickly defines where it is. Also, when he opens his eyes, the morning light coming through the window tells him that he has been unconscious for several hours. However, when he tries to focus on cataloging the latest events, something else overwhelms him first.
Dazai is thinking about who was with him on the mission: Chuuya and-
He gasps audibly as his chest tightens and his brain churns, chaotic, full of... things that shouldn't be there.
Chuuya.
It's like a waterfall. He- He- In his mind, his memories, Chuuya smiles and Dazai feels like smiling at him. He-feels-desires. He wishes. At the same, images of Chuuya telling him that he hates him and then Chuuya injured and then Chuuya hugging him in the hospital when they were sixteen and Dazai received a bullet meant for him and then Chuuya-Chuuya-Chuuya-
Dazai can't breathe. Her cheeks are wet and it's- there's no way it's raining inside a clinic and how- how-
The chestnut puts a hand to his chest.
What is this?
He's not hurt, not physically hurt, but there's joy colliding with sadness colliding with shame colliding with fear colliding with pain and what- what-
They are emotions, feelings, so many at the same time and so strong... When he saw them manifested in other people or read about them in books he never thought they would be like this. They all hit him at the same time, as if a water dam had just burst, all they for Chuuya.
How is it possible?
Concentrate, order yourself, find the explanation, deduce the answer...
But he can't.
Dazai, who has felt only echoes of emotions at the best of times his entire life, who has read entire books on emotions because he couldn't understand them, have them, feel them, is suddenly being hit with them. And emotions come with revelations, revelations that he never believed, and that do not allow he to think-
He is drowning, he is drowning in them.
Dazai tries to get up and stumbles, trying to get Chuuya out of his mind because it hurts (how is it possible that it hurts, if he doesn't bleed?) He has to find the members of the agency and- The members of the agency.
Dazai cares. For all of them. He wants them alive, not because they are useful, but because he loves Kenji's joy, and Tanizaki's kindness, and Kyoka's curiosity, and Yosano's strength, and his understanding with Ranpo, and Atsushi, so wonderful Atsushi, and that Kunikida cares about him as much as about his ideals, and he loves them all and is afraid that they don't love him, that he doesn't know enough, that they die and he loses them how-how-
Odasaku.
Dazai is sure the gunshot wounds hurt less than the way his chest feels like it's splitting right now.
He falls forward. His knees hit the ground with a thud.
Odasaku is dead and there is no emptiness anymore; there is pain, a lot of pain. It's raw and icy and is in everywhere.
His cheeks are wet and it's not the rain, it's his eyes, absolutely incredible, practically impossible: He's crying. He cries and rubs his hands against his clothes until they are bruised and red because they are stained, stained with Odasaku's blood. Oh god, his blood was on my hands. And it was Dazai's fault, he died because Mori wanted him to leave the mafia, Mori wanted to take Odasaku away from him so he could go away because Dazai was Mori's toy and Dazai was no longer letting him play with him and Mori- What Mori did to him, which Dazai didn't fight against because it wasn't supposed to matter if he broke it or stained it because Dazai wasn't human and he didn't feel it and it didn't hurt but it hurts now- Oh god.
Dazai clutches his head with his red hands, squeezing strands of brown hair between his fingers, and begins to scream.
He can't stand it. All the emotions: the traumas that weren't supposed to affect him, the regret and guilt that he wasn't supposed to feel for anything he'd done, the love that turns out to hurt too, Chuuya and the Agency and Odasaku and Ango and Akutagawa and Mori- Mori, who opened him and tore him and sewed him back together and hurt him, so much damage and he didn't care but now he does it and he feels afraid, Mori terrifies him. And he feels guilty, because he left Chuuya behind. And he feels betrayed by Ango, because he cared about Ango. And Odasaku, oh, Odasaku. And he feel love, and sadness and pain and guilt and disgust and anger. He is so angry, with life, with himself, with Mori, with Ango, even with Chuuya (but oh, Chuuya generates so many emotions at once)-
Dazai feels, feels, feels.
He needs this to stop. Now.
Enough Enough Enough Enough Enough-
Chuuya runs towards the Agency infirmary, led by Dazai's screams, with Yosano advancing alongside him at the same speed and the rest of the Agency members following from behind in a throng of tense bodies and alarmed expressions. Everyone is essentially terrified because they've never heard Dazai yell like that.
"You said he was fine!" Chuuya claims Yosano with hostility, not giving a shit if it ends up generating a conflict between organizations. Because that's Dazai who's screaming like every bone in his body is breaking, like something hurts him so much.
"He was fine," Yosano snaps harshly, shooting the redhead a deadly glare as he runs right next to him.
Then Chuuya pushes open the door to the infirmary with such force that it makes a big crack. And then he freezes, just like everyone else, right in the broken doorway at the image his eyes meet.
Dazai is sitting on the floor, facing the stretcher. He has his back against the wall and his knees against his chest. There is a sheet tangled around his left foot, which is still hanging from the corner of the stretcher. His hands grip his head tightly and tangle in his brown hair, squeezing and pulling. His eyes are closed, he squeezes them with all his might as he gasps and screams. And there's something wet on his cheeks. Tears, Chuuya acknowledges, his eyes widening in shock and bewilderment. Dazai is crying. It is a raw, wet and heartbreaking sound.
Chuuya has never seen Dazai cry. He didn't even think he was capable of doing it. The redhead is terrified of what could possibly cause Dazai to cry. It has to be something... something really terrible.
His chest constricts painfully with concern for what must be the umpteenth time that day.
Yosano, with the cool head of a good doctor, reacts first, pushing Chuuya out of the way to get to Dazai so he can check what's so wrong. However, as soon as she tries to touch him, Dazai backs up as far as he can and yells, "Don't touch me! Don't touch me!"
And Yosano's hands freeze in midair.
Dazai's eyes have opened, reddened and clouded with tears. His breathing sounds shallow, labored. His chest expands and contracts with each shaky gasp. He looks at Yosano with something dangerously close to fear.
The doctor quickly recovers from the initial shock of seeing Dazai truly scared of her and tries again.
"Dazai, I need you to let me touch you so I can check what's wrong with you, do you understand?" she tells him, trying to keep her tone of voice even and not hostile, "To help you."
Dazai laughs, still crying. It's a hollow, eerie sound, totally discordant.
"Everything's wrong with me, don't you know? Everything's so wrong…" he says, and it sounds more like a strangled sob than a sarcastic laugh.
Dazai then frowns and clasps his head tighter in his hands and slams it back against the wall, letting out a frustrated cry that shakes Chuuya to the core, but also makes him react.
"What happens?" he demands of the doctor, entering the room.
Yosano looks at him badly.
"I don't know. He doesn't look hurt, but I need to check him out to find out. So get out of the way."
"Chuuya?" Dazai's voice sounds strangely small, uncertain, like a frightened child. Automatically get all the redhead's attention.
"Oi, Dazai-" Chuuya purses his lips as he looks at him, his words caught on the edge of his throat.
He has seen many different facets of Dazai over the years they were partners: When he's hurt, when he needs to change his bandages, when he's bored, when he's tired, when something interests him, when something doesn't go as planned and he falls apart, when he gets upset, when he's worried, when he likes something (that's quite noticeable, not in the pathetic fake smile, but that special, calm gleam in his eyes when he looks at or talks about something that, apparently, he likes). In all of them, Dazai has never shown any real emotion, not like the average person would, but the emotional changes have been in his eyes, like whispers. However, Chuuya knows (did) deal with it; pat him on the shoulder if he noticed that eye roll and hand tension when something had worried him, tell when he was tired or something hurt by the way the corners of his lips tighten slightly in a special way, even being able to noticing something close to true sadness in the way his eyes dulled when Chuuya pulled him out of a river or stuck her fingers in his mouth to make him vomit up the pills from whose bottle he had emptied into his stomach.
But this? This Dazai? A Dazai who cries and does not hide that he is scared? Chuuya doesn't know what to do with this. He doesn't know, either, why he cares (liar liar liar). What should he do? Getting closer? Leave? And if he is hurt? Is it a side effect of the machine that was stealing the powers? Why didn't this happen to the other two previous victims of the machine? What if it can't be reversed? What if a part of Dazai is...broken? That's too many questions to have, each one more troubling than the last.
All Chuuya can do is hover awkwardly around him (because he refuses to move away) as Doctor Yosano makes another attempt to get closer to Dazai so she can check his vitals. This time, Dazai allows her to touch him, as if he's just recognized that it's Yosano and not someone else, whoever he thought she was at first to have been so scared him.
Suddenly, he feels a hand grab the corner of his pants and pull slightly, almost without strength. The redhead looks down.
"Chuuya please, make it stop" Dazai pleads. He is, in fact, pleading. To Chuuya. His eyes are two coffee-flecked oceans that completely disarm Chuuya when he looks at him. It should be insulting how easy it is for Dazai to disarm Chuuya's weak walls without even trying. In this moment, when he look him like that, if Dazai asked him to burn a building now, Chuuya would just ask "Which one?"
Chuuya Nakahara, a cursed executive of the Port Mafia, one of the most powerful ability users in Yokohama, is reduced to ashes by a single man. Jah. Who'd say.
The moment Dazai pleads with him and looks into his eyes, Chuuya finds out, surprised but unimpressed, that he doesn't care that the entire Agency sees him worrying about the enemy, all he cares about is Dazai and finding out why he looks so completely broken, to help him. Instantly, Chuuya crouched down next to Dazai and held onto his wrist firmly, looking at him helplessly.
"What do you want me to stop? What do you have?" He asks, his voice soft and his request firm.
Dazai squeezes Chuuya's wrist in return, fingers trembling and icy, slender hands with loose bandages threatening to come loose. Dazai's hands are red, as if he's rubbed them too many times against rough cloth.
The suicidal does not answer the question. Instead, he says something that leaves Chuuya frozen on the spot.
"I'm so sorry" Dazai sobs, shaking, "Oh god, I'm sorry, Chuuya, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" Dazai's voice breaks into unintelligible sobs.
When the redhead thinks that at last nothing more from Dazai will be able to surprise him, Dazai goes and activates a bigger bomb.
Chuuya can't speak, he can't understand anything, so all he manages to do is turn to Doctor Yosano and search in her look of some answer that could explain this.
Meanwhile, he can hear in the background how Kunikida tries to make the "kids” leave the room and then someone closes the door (the best thing a half-broken door can do), but he can't find the strength to turn around and see what is what is happening behind him.
"His pulse is racing, but within normal range. There are no visible injuries." Yosano reports in a professional tone, but you can see from her expression that she is worried, "I think he's having a panic attack, or sensory overload," and then adds, cryptically, "Or both."
Chuuya is about to ask how they can fix it when Dazai yells again, clutching his head tightly.
"Please, please stop it, it hurts. It hurts a lot." he sobs, closing his eyes again, "He's dead, I had his blood on my hands. He killed him because of me- no- no- Please stop it, I can't- I can't-" He scream, "Please sedate me! Please make it stop, it's too much, make it stop make it stop- please."
Yosano looks conflicted. It is clear that is annoyed that she does not know the answer to the origin of Dazai's ailments as much as he is annoyed that he's suffering like this. She knows Dazai, he avoids anesthesia whenever he's injured, even though he hates pain, so you can understand why she's so worried that Dazai asks to be sedate, voluntarily.
Dazai cries so much that he suddenly starts laughing, shaking his head as he tries to breathe himself.
Scares Chuuya the hell out of it: "Dazai, hey, look at me- I'm- I'm here, tell me- tell me what to do, okay? I-I can help you"
"Please, Chuuya, I can't- I can't- it's too much, please stop, please" Dazai insists, squeezing the sleeve of Chuuya's jacket between his fingers and pulling, pulling, begging, and then he begins to mutter a litany of "I'm sorry" on loop, over and over again, an eternal apology that no one knows exactly who it's addressed to
Chuya interlocks his fingers and lets Dazai squeeze his hand.
"Do it." Chuuya says to Yosano, not taking his eyes off Dazai. "Sedate him. Now."
"Kunikida, the syringe." Yosano orders, and only then does Chuuya realize that Kunikida did not leave with the others and is instead still in the room.
Yosano searches for the vial, receives the syringe from Kunikida's hands and prepares it.
"You're going to be fine, mackerel" Chuuya promises, holding Dazai's hand with both of his own, "I got you."
Dazai shakes his head in raw despair.
"You don't understand, I feel- I feel everything. I never-" His eyes narrow, as if he can't concentrate on finishing a single sentence.
Chuuya puts a hand behind Dazai's head just in time to prevent Dazai from hitting his head against the wall again.
At that moment, Yosano injects Dazai.
The effect is immediate.
Dazai staggers, then his eyes roll back, and he falls forward like dead weight. Chuuya catches him in his arms and wraps him around him tightly, trying to catch his own breath as he inhales the scent of Dazai's hair, not caring that his vest is wet with the brunette's tears.
And then the silence: a thick and overwhelming silence that completely fills the infirmary.
"What was-?" Kunikida begins, trying in vain to formulate a question to which he has no answer.
Then, the door is thrown open and ends up smashing on the floor.
On the other side is Ranpo, with a serious and contemplative expression. He just got back from his case and evidently he's come straight here.
"Dazai was screaming." He says. It's not a question, it's a statement. He probably heard the screams as he ran over here, "He was hit by the skill-stealing machine, wasn't he?"
Yosano nods, visibly shaken. Kunikida covers his face with his hands. Chuuya simply accommodates Dazai in his arms so he can pick him up and place him back on the stretcher.
"He lost his ability." Says Ranpo next.
"We think so" Yosano replies, even though Ranpo wasn't asking a question, "But we don't know for sure, we couldn't prove it." no need to explain further, Ranpo was already able to read the recent situation in the room anyway.
"He lost it. This was the proof" he states, looking at Dazai with a hint of concern that even a genius can't hide. It's no secret to anyone that Ranpo likes Dazai and acts accordingly, like a brother protecting his own.
"What the fuck do you mean?" Chuuya spits out, without subtlety. He is ready to demand answers from the detective with blows, if not he gives them to him for good.
Fortunately for the truce between the two organizations and everyone present, Ranpo willingly replies:
"I know you don't know, because Dazai has never mentioned it, but I figured it out a long time ago and he didn't deny it when I put it to him. I guess Dazai will understand me telling him now, given the recent circumstances,"
"Please, Ranpo, tell us" Yosano asks him, in that soft and patient tone that is only for Ranpo.
"As everyone knows, Dazai's ability is always active, even when he's unconscious. The situation here is that No Longer Human not only nullifies other abilities, but everything he has a presence on. In this case, I'm talking about Dazai's emotions" Ranpo pauses, adjusting the glasses that shade his green eyes, "No Longer Human took in Dazai's emotions, like took abilities, the moment Dazai felt them."
"You mean Dazai's ability prevented him from feeling emotions?" Kunikida asks, visibly shaken.
Chuuya looks at Dazai. It is impossible. Yes, Dazai didn't express emotions and didn't seem to feel them like a normal human, but he still did, a little, Chuuya firmly believed (even though he told him otherwise all the time).
Ranpo shakes his head.
"No, silly, pay attention." He says, clicking his tongue, "Dazai had emotions, he felt them, but only for a moment, then they were gone. It's like Dazai's ability put a thick blanket over his emotions as soon as he had them, and Dazai I could only know that there was something, but I didn't know what it was, and I could only try to guess by feeling through the fabric of that thick blanket." Ranpo finishes explaining.
Chuuya looks at Ranpo and then back at Dazai, who is now lying unconscious on the stretcher with dried tear stained cheeks. How is it possible that he didn't know? That no one in Port Mafia would have noticed that particularity of Dazai's ability? How come Dazai never told him? So many years being partners and Chuuya had never noticed-?
"So what you're saying is that Dazai, now that he's lost his ability, he's feeling his emotions on the same level as a normal person for the first time in his all life?" Kunikida tries to recapitulate, store this information and process it in his brain, but it is difficult. It's like trying to look at Dazai through a new pair of glasses for the first time.
Ranpo nods. "Until you understood."
"So all that collapse was... his emotions running rampant," Yosano concludes.
"Like a water dam that broke, yes." confirms Ranpo, "All his emotions regarding many things must have attacked him at once. A breakdown was to be expected."
It would have been great if this idiot had arrived twenty minutes earlier, Chuuya thinks wearily. The redhead looks at Dazai, who is knocked out on the stretcher, and he involuntarily purses his lips with concern and empathy.
"What are we going to do next time he wakes up?" Kunikida asks, looking at his partner on the stretcher, "Will he be like this again?"
Chuuya tenses up at the possibility. He doesn't want to (he doesn't think he can) deal with Dazai like this, so utterly broken, again.
Yosano, in his role as a doctor, takes the floor: "If the collapse was caused by the presence of emotions, it should be easier for him as time goes by and he can adapt to this new strange presence that, in this case, It's his potentiated emotions." She explains, then adds, "All we have left is to be here to help him adjust to this new reality, at least until we find a way for Dazai to get his ability back."
Until. No, if we find... The Agency is clearly more optimistic than the Mafia.
"Do you have any news regarding that, Ranpo-san?" Kunikida asks him, hopeful.
Ranpo frowns and removes his glasses: "I'm working on it" he informs. It is clear that he is upset that he does not have an immediate answer to give them.
It's true: The missing ability, the destroyed machine, and the organization that created it are another very important problem to deal with. After this scene with Dazai, Chuuya had almost forgotten about it.
However, the Port Mafia executive is still not entirely convinced that all of this deduction is the truth. No matter how much it makes sense for him to be, Chuuya is determined not to blindly trust the Agency, ever.
"Call your boss, Mr. Fancy Hat" Ranpo tells Chuuya surprisingly.
"Hah?" Chuuya looks at him as if he had grown a third arm.
"I said call your boss. I bet the Agency, your boss knows." Ranpo nods, biting down on the lollipop he was holding between his teeth.
"Ranpo-san, don't bet the Agency, please" Kunikida asks in exasperation, pinching two fingers to the bridge of his nose, clearly overwhelmed by this whole situation.
Chuuya frowns. He doesn't like how this guy, Ranpo, talks to him, but deep down he knows what he's saying is a real possibility: If anyone could know something about Dazai's ability that no one else did, it would be Mori-san.
Repeating to himself that Shitty Dazai is safe with the members of his Agency, as he has been able to verify recently, he leaves the place next to the Dazai gurney where he was standing, to go towards the door (more like the entrance, since the door hangs broken on the side. He knows that was his fault, but he doesn't regret it at all).
"Don't kill him," he tells them, looking Dazai, just to be sure. His voice sound like a low growl, "I'm still the only one who's allowed to do it."
Immediately afterwards, Chuuya leaves the room, taking his phone out of his pocket to call his boss.
Yosano only sighs at the executive's words, her expression seems to say: I don't get paid enough to deal with these men full of repressed feelings and denial. She then goes over to Dazai to take his temperature and check his vitals again. Perhaps, she thinks, she could put a little whey on him, in case of dehydration.
Kunikida stares at the door where Nakahara just left, blinking in disbelief.
"What the hell is wrong with him?" He wonders, referring to the mafia executive, "Dazai certainly has some very weird acquaintances."
Ranpo smiles at this. It's a smile that says, as always, that he knows something that no one else in this room knows, and then he says, "Oh Kunikida, I assure you that Dazai and Mr. Fancy Hat are much more than just acquaintances."
And, really, Kunikida is too overwhelmed with information and worries right now to try to figure out what the hell Ranpo is referring to with his words. Therefore, after Yosano assures him that he can leave her with Dazai, that she will take care of him, Kunikida leaves the infirmary to do damage control, which in this case is: explain to the younger members of the agency. everything that just happened and the reason it happened.
Ranpo calmly walks out of the infirmary after him, though Kunikida knows he can't expect the genius from the Agency to help him with the explanation: Everyone knows Ranpo hates saying things twice.
Meanwhile, unconscious on the gurney, a whole new world full of revelations is about to open up for Dazai Osamu.
It's good that he won't have to face it alone, right?
Notes:
What did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. I post a new chapter every saturday so see you next saturday <3
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
Chapter 5: “5”
Summary:
Dazai discovers that he cares about Chuuya so much that he can't breathe when Chuuya is around, and he gets really scared of that. Chuuya wants to help Dazai, but he doesn't know how. Confusion ensues.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
When Chuuya hangs up the phone, it takes all of his willpower to control his anger and not end up breaking the phone between his fingers.
The boss, in fact, knew it. He knew it before Chuuya joined the mafia. And, from what he implied to Chuuya in their conversation, Mori discovered that Dazai's inability to express emotions like the others did was because of his ability in conjunction with Dazai.
Now, the redhead can understand why Dazai always said that he wasn't human enough, that he couldn't look at life the way Chuuya did.
It is ironic that Dazai's skill, so praised and coveted by so many, was the cause of his eternal misfortune.
It's ironic, too, that some of the only abilities were known to be permanently active, without the need for a conscious activation of it. Chuuya used to see that as a tactical advantage: Dazai wouldn't have to spend valuable time activating his ability because it was always active, even when unconscious.
He used to envy that. Dazai didn't need to be ready and alert all the time to activate his ability. He feels wrong to have been envious of it now that he knows how much his own ability took from Dazai, and what it was an impossible-to-defuse ability took from him even more.
Right now, Chuuya wants to break things. He would like to see an entire building fall from its foundations, so that his rage falls with it.
Not surprisingly, Mori knew this and chose to exploit this advantage on Dazai rather than find a way to teach him to disable his ability. He did the same with Chuuya and the corruption: exploit it. Chuuya also understands why: tactical advantage. That's what it all came down to.
Chuuya shouldn't feel as angry as he does about that, definitely not on Dazai's behalf.
Mori-san asks him to keep him informed regarding Dazai and gives him permission to lead his subordinates on a mission to find out more about the ability-removing machine and the organization that created it.
This is it. The cocky detective was right.
Chuuya can't help but feel bad for Dazai, even if it goes against his better judgment. How would he feel if he went through the same thing? If all his life he lived without feeling like everyone else and suddenly all the emotions hit him at once?
He tries to remind himself, over and over again, that it's not his problem to deal with him, is the Agency's problem, whether Chuuya wants it or not in the end. Extending his stay here on pretexts is nothing but terribly pathetic.
But when he considers leaving, he remembers the terrified look on Dazai's face, his tears, his screams, the way he begged Chuuya to Please, please make it stop. And the redhead does not find the strength to leave.
It's so pathetic.
When he goes back up to the Agency floor, he hears a conversation going on between whispered in the offices: The Agency members are talking about Dazai and the loss of his ability.
"So, Dazai-san isn't hurt?" asks weretiger. He sounds distraught and guilty.
There is a mumble in the form of a reply that Chuuya doesn't hear because he's too far away. He gets a little closer to the entrance, he can't help it.
"How can we help?" that is the voice of the boy with the straw hat, the one who seems to vomit sun and rainbows with every word he says and who is also apparently obsessed with Chuuya's ability.
"There's not much we can do, except be there when he wakes up and offer him a hand, but without overwhelming him or acting so different, or we'll scare him away" that's the idiot with glasses answering.
"We all need to keep an eye on him. We don't know if his penchant for suicide is going to increase with this display of emotions and stop being just a joke." That's the doctor's voice.
Chuuya tenses up.
What's wrong with these idiots?
Suicide has never been a joke to Dazai. The brunette pretends that he is, but when he swallows a bottle of pills or jumps into the river, he's never kidding. Shouldn't they know? His companions?
"In the meantime, we need to concentrate on the investigation on that machine and the organization that created it" that voice, deep and authoritative but at the same time calm, is that of the President of the Agency.
Chuuya steps back. He've heard enough.
If everyone is talking there in the offices, then Dazai is alone in the infirmary. Chuuya heads there with the lame excuse that someone should be there when the bandaged bastard wakes up again, to prevent the idiot from killing himself or something. Dazai has a high tolerance for drugs and anesthetics (Dazai used to blame this on Mori, but Chuuya never knew much about why), so it's safe to assume that he'll wake up much sooner than expected.
As soon as he reaches the entrance to the infirmary (someone already took the broken door. Chuuya would bet it was the idiot with the glasses, always so square), he looks for the stretcher.
"Shit"
He curses instantly: Because the stretcher is there, but Dazai isn't.
Instead, he sees him leaning into the open window, half out, dangerously close to falling over.
Probably looking to fall. Looking to die.
"Dammit," he adds with a snarl, and enters the infirmary, running up to the bandaged man "Dazai!"
The next time he wakes up, the emotions engulfing Dazai are a wave and not a tsunami. They're there, fluttering around, new and raw, but at least Dazai can control himself enough to think.
He lost his ability; No Longer Human. That is clearly the cause of the presence of these feelings. No Longer Human takes them away and now it's not there to do it.
And it's... it's a relief.
Dazai never thought in his life that he could stop feeling that hollow and frozen emptiness that devoured his heart, but now... now he's so full that it overflows.
His eyes cloud over and water slides down his cheeks. However, now he knows that it is not water, it is tears. He doesn't quite know why he's crying, there are too many possible culprits going around in his head, but it makes him feel lighter, so he stays lying on the table, looking at the ceiling while the tears fall down his cheeks until they wet the sheets.
And then he gets up. It has no particular purpose, there is no plan. He just gets up and looks around the room. The infirmary no longer has a door. He deduces that he can blame that on Chuuya.
Chuuya.
His chest hurts thinking about Chuuya. It's a little hard for him to define that it's not about physical pain but rather about what he feels when he thinks of Chuuya.
The Chibi cares a lot, which is absolutely unfortunate because the redhead hates him. Dazai doesn't blame him, he abandoned him without looking back. He had his reasons, reasons he doesn't want to think about because it hurts too much, and he doesn't regret it, he had the right to leave, but still, he could have offered a better send-off than that bomb in his car.
Chuuya is... An amalgamation of emotions inside his chest: Bitterness, longing, pain, joy, and something else, something that pulls at Dazai's heart much harder than it used to when Dazai didn't feel anything else except echoes.
The brunette stretches and opens the bedroom window. Once open, he leans half of his body out and discovers that he doesn't want to fall, he doesn't want to die quickly, or have his skull smash against the asphalt with a single clean blow.
It's amazing.
He always thought that dying was the only purpose of living. His only purpose.
But now he doesn't want to. And it's not because of Odasaku and his last wish, it's not because of the Agency. All of that influences, yes, but at the end of it all, he doesn't want to. There are so many horrible things in his memories and it hurts so much, but there are also so many things that he still wants to experience, that he wants to feel.
It’s a revelation as difficult as it is impressive.
The suicidal Dazai Osamu does not want to die.
"Shit" he hears a growl behind him. Recognizing that voice is as easy as breathing.
"Dammit" Chuuya curses, and then, "Dazai!"
The next thing he feels is someone grabs him around the waist and violently pulls him back.
What a shame, the sun on his cheeks felt as sweet and pleasant as they said it would. He liked how it felt.
Dazai falls to the ground in Chuuya's arms, which remain tightly wrapped around his waist. The touch feels like fire, arms of burning lava around Dazai's waist, but he doesn't try to break away from the hold because it also feels like the warmth of the sun on his cheeks that he felt a minute ago.
"What the hell were you doing?!" Chuuya screams, and beneath the rage is a note of panic so clear it makes Dazai shudders. "And what the fuck is wrong with you? How the hell do you even get in the path of a machine's beam like that, you fucking suicidal idiot?"
Dazai holds his breath for a moment. Searching, searching, finding. Focus.
Atsushi.
"That beam was going to hit Atsushi" Dazai points out for an answer. And there it is, the warmth again, the one that whispers that she wants to care for Atsushi, that the child is hers to protect. Not because of promises to Oda, but because of Atsushi.
It's a huge relief for Dazai to know that he does, indeed, love Atsushi, and all the members of the Agency. But it's also terrifying, because he are supposed to lose everything he ever cared about. Is he condemning them? Is he condemning Chuuya as well? Dazai holds his breath. His heart sings with every beat: Chuuya, Chuuya, Chuuya and he wants to run away from the redhead, run away and hide, because Dazai has just known fear, but he knows what he feels at the prospect of the magnitude of his feelings for Chuuya. It's fear, terror.
"And?" Chuuya demands.
Calm down, Dazai orders himself, holding on tightly to the precarious metaphorical thread that holds him together.
"I care about Atsushi-kun. I want to take care of him. I didn't want him to get hurt" the revelation steals her breath along with the words. He feels that vulnerability could eat him alive. Why did he even answer the question?
Dazai's thoughts roll and roll, confused and smudged and tinged with emotions, feelings.
I care about you, Dazai thinks, but doesn't say it, because Chuuya hates him and knows what his response to that will be and doesn't think he can stand it. He can't even bear to look at it. It's as if Chuuya literally had him in his hands, and Dazai would be able to bow at his feet and offer him the world if Chuuya asked him to.
Chuuya seems taken aback by the sincerity of his answer. Dazai doesn't blame him, he's just as baffled by it. After all, he wasn't supposed to care about people. But it turns out that if he do, he care, so much so that it's painful.
"And you were okay with hurting yourself instead? I had to carry your fucking ass to the car and then all the way back to your fucking Agency, because you decided to play suicidal sleeping beauty."
Oh.
Dazai shrinks into himself. There it's again: guilt. And on top of it, a layer of hope and longing because Chuuya seems genuinely worried for him. Dazai forces himself to face the wall, keeping his eyes locked on the white, pristine wallpaper, while Chuuya's arms are still wrapped around his waist.
Don't look at him, don't look at him, don't look at him. Because if he does, if he makes one movement, he might just melt like wet paper dissolved in water.
Guilt, Dazai discovers, when is not a logical deduction of what he should feel in certain situations, is terrible. And he has a lot of it in him now, without No Longer Human to take it away.
Oh no, he's not going to cry again. It's ridiculous. He has more control than this over himself and he doesn't-
Tears begin to slide down his cheeks again. Dazai moves his hands quickly to try to clean them.
"Dazai?" Chuuya's voice asks, now cautious and suddenly softened.
Chuuya shouldn't be soft on him, he doesn't deserve it.
"I'm sorry" Dazai sobs, angry with himself (anger feels as powerful and dangerous as people say), as he futilely tries to wipe away his tears or stop them (at this rate, he's going to ruin all the work Yosano did on him, giving him rehydration), "Agh, I can't- I can't stop them. I'm sorry," he huffs, visibly frustrated and overwhelmed.
Frustration is a new thing too, it's visceral and limiting, and Dazai hates it as soon as he feels it clawing at his insides, almost as bad as guilt.
"Oi, mackerel, don't- don't cry, okay? I'm sorry, I didn't mean that you- Ugh- I don't mind taking you up all the stairs, okay? I lied. You're very light. It's not- Don't cry". He sounds slightly in a panic, obviously not knowing how to act in this situation that differs so much from the usual Dazai, but wanting to help him anyway.
If only it were that easy, Dazai thinks, pressing his open palms against his teary eyes.
"No, you're not- I'm trying to control it" he tells the redhead once he manages to steady his own voice enough to speak, "It's more…difficult than I thought…"
The brunette tries deep breaths (the theory says they work), but fails. He is angry with Chuuya, but also happy to have him around, and at the same time he wants to apologize to Chuuya and on the other hand he feels sadness because Chuuya hates him and finally... Finally there is the warm and complex thing that he doesn't know how to name, because he does not remember its description in any book on emotions and feelings that he has read before. The only thing Dazai is sure of is that he doesn't want to look at Chuuya right now, because the impact of just feeling him close, feeling his hands on him is…so much…
How is it possible that someone can feel so much for another person? How could Dazai feel so much for Chuuya?
Chuuya, kindly, has not moved from the position in which he is sitting on the floor, even taking into account that Dazai is practically sitting on his knees, but he has finally untangled his hands from Dazai's waist to move to give him the closest thing he knows to a reassuring pat on the back.
Dazai really doesn't want to look at it, he doesn't think his heart can take it. If just thinking about Chuuya triggers an amalgamation of emotions in him, the mere thought of looking at him is… terrifying, as if the possibility of his feelings devouring him is real and imminent.
Because, his twisted and overwhelmed brain reminds him, you cares about Chuuya.
In hindsight, he shouldn't be surprised by that. Other than Odasaku, no one has brought him as close to real feelings (as close as he could get with No Longer Human always on) than Chuuya since they met at fifteen.
"Dazai?" Chuuya tries, cautious, careful.
And then Dazai realizes. Chuuya sounds guarded, shocked even by their reactions, but not surprised by any of Dazai's actions. And it can only mean that he knows.
Chuuya knows, he knows that Dazai is not human, not like the others, and that he never has been. He knows that Dazai has been broken since he was born, he knows that his ability made him inhuman and-
He pulls away from Chuuya so fast that he stumbles forward onto the tiles of the infirmary. Chuuya tries to help him up, but Dazai slaps his arm away and steps back, overwhelmed. Consequently, Chuuya remains behind.
“You know it,” Dazai mutters, staring at the ground, his hands balled into fists that he clenches hard against his sides. Is trembling. He still doesn't look at Chuuya. And he's not asking a question, because even with his brain overwhelmed with emotions, he can easily deduce that Ranpo must have mentioned it, because Ranpo was the only one in the Agency who knew.
Chuuya sighs, soft and forgiving. He understands what Dazai is talking about without needing clarification. When did Dazai let Chuuya walk in and see him so deep? So much so that words weren't necessary? How could he allow it?
“I know, Dazai. About your ability. I understand"
Dazai sits down on the stretcher, holding his breath.
"Don't tell me you understand." the overwhelming feeling of warmth mixed with fear is too quickly replaced by anger. It's like Dazai is on a fucking roller coaster where he can't process one turn when he's already on the next.
Everything is... It's so much... What is it?
Dangerous. It's dangerous. Terrifying. Feelings are terrifying, powerful.
Can you die from feeling too much? Dazai thinks that could happen to him. Right here. Right now.
Everything he feels for Chuuya is too much to swallow right now and it's giving his an intense headache (it also makes his chest hurt, how strange is that).
"Dazai..."
Chuuya stretches out his hands, as if he wants to help Dazai in some way, touch him again, comfort him, but as soon as his fingers brush Dazai's arm, the brown-haired man shudders and jerks away from his touch, feeling as if he had received a shock electrical discharge coming from the redhead's fingertips.
"Don't touch me" he begs, it's almost a sob as he backs up against the back of the table.
Chuuya throws his hands away as fast as if he just touched hot coals. He's frankly panicking a bit here. This Dazai is like a cornered wounded animal, a turbulent mix of too many conflicting emotions, and he doesn't know what to do for help him.
"I won't touch you. Easy,” he offers, but his words don't seem to calm Dazai down at all.
"I can't do this. I can't do this," Dazai mutters, clutching his head with both hands and trying not to forget how to breathe, "I can't be here-"
"You're going to be fine, mackerel, it's not-" Chuuya tries to get closer again, holding up his hands so Dazai doesn't think he's going to try to touch him again. No. Dazai stands up and takes an awkward step back. Chuuya doesn't try again.
"No, you don't get it," Dazai says, his eyes on the ground, "I can't be here-" his breath catches, but Dazai tries again; "I can't be here with you."
The air around them seems to freeze into a bunch of knife-sharp stalactites.
It's sure Chuuya's chest just creaked too, as if one of those ice stalactites had stuck right in the center of his heart.
Although Chuuya thinks that he can understand and read Dazai like no one else can, a part of Dazai has still always been a mystery to him. For example, he has never been able to deduce, assume, or guess what Dazai really thinks of him. It's something that has always been especially annoying for the redhead, especially since Dazai can read Chuuya with the ease with which someone reads a children's book.
Still, a part of him, a part hidden deep inside, has always hoped to mean at least half to Dazai as much as Dazai means to him.
And now it is clear that his hopes were futile.
Dazai has emotions now and it's obvious that he just found out how he really feels about Chuuya. It's obvious that he hates him so much that he can't bear to look at him, he hates him so much that he doesn't want him to touch him, that he doesn't want to be near him. Dazai hates him so much that he runs away from him as if he were scared of Chuuya.
"I can't be here with you."
Chuuya barely manages to recover from the blow enough to straighten her back and step back. He doesn't want to be mean right now, nor blame anything, but he's hurt, and it turns out that Dazai cares for the weretiger and his ADA companions as much as he hates Chuuya, so he does sound a little mean when he says:
"I'm going to-" he clears his throat when his voice comes out a little high-pitched, "I'm going to get your stupid Agency buddies to they take care of you."
The ones you care about so much, the redhead thinks suspiciously. He can't help it.
Dazai frantically shakes his head and for the first time raises his head to look at Chuuya.
"I don't-"
"It's alright, Dazai. You made your point clear. You hate me. I will go. I'll let you have your fucking crisis in peace."
Dazai looks overwhelmed, surprised by Chuuya's words.
"No!" Dazai yells, grabs his head in his hands, takes a deep breath, lowers his hands to his sides, tries again: “No, Chuuya, I don't- I don't hate you- I don't think so- I don't know what I feel, it's- It's so much- but I know" he presses his palm against his chest, "I don't hate you." Dazai insists. It sounds pleading.
Chuuya twitches with mistrust. He tries really hard not to jump at Dazai's jugular.
He is confused, he has too much inside, Chuuya reminds himself like a mantra to calm himself.
"I better go."
"Chuuya, I..."
"You're- you're going to be fine." Chuuya promises, his voice weak, inevitably hurt, “I have to get back to work. You're not going to die and you don't- you don't need me, you don't want me here, it's clear."
Gathering all his strength, Chuuya turned around to leave the room. But he doesn't make much progress when he hears a groan of pain behind him and turns around so quickly that he feels a jerk in his neck.
Dazai is leaning forward, clutching his chest with one hand and wincing. It hurts.
"Dazai? Dazai!" Chuuya is alarmed to see his gesture, "Are you okay? What hurts?"
"You" Dazai replies, he can't help it, "No, I don't wanna say- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
"Stop, you don't need say nothing more," Chuuya snaps, more stern than he really intended, "Sorry I can't help you, Dazai, I really do."
I would like to be the person you need, Chuuya thinks and it's true. If Dazai told him that he needs him, Chuuya would stay. If Dazai told him that they need to destroy the world for him to be better, Chuuya would do it. But Dazai hasn't asked him for anything, he doesn't want anything from him. Chuuya is doing nothing but hurting him, and although he doesn't know why, he knows that it is so.
Despite the fact that Chuuya claims to hate Dazai, he has always cared for him. He wants Dazai to be okay.
So he'll leave, because he thinks that's what Dazai needs.
Dazai can't stop it, he can't, because even breathing near Chuuya turns out to be too much...
Too much beautiful. And so infinitely painful.
Chuuya left Dazai alone in the infirmary, and Dazai can't blame him.
Chuuya thinks that Dazai hates him, just because Dazai is so useless right now that he can't even speak properly, turned into a turbulent tangle of emotions that he's only just learning to know.
Dazai cares for Chuuya so much it hurts, but he couldn't explain it, he couldn't tell him because he's so scared that he found out himself...
Maybe this is good, that Chuuya is leaving. Because Dazai is radioactive and the people he cares about are never safe and if Chuuya is far away maybe he will be safe. Maybe that way Dazai can't mess it up.
But he it's hurts Chuuya leave. Why are feelings so complicated? So terribly illogical?
Dazai doesn't know what to do next.
The man of plans and strategies for the first time has none: There are no clues, no strategies, no solutions, just a bunch of unavoidable revelations and deep, icy pain clawing from the bottom.
All he can do is stand there and ask himself: What am I supposed to do now?
I have to get out of here, Chuuya thinks, hiding his eyes under his bangs and adjusting his hat.
"I can't be here with you"
Chuuya walks into the main room of the Agency and tells them, "The idiot is awake and almost fell out of a window, you fucking assholes. Do your stupid work and keep him alive. Mori-san will keep in contact about the matter of the machine according to the agreement."
He doesn't stick around to see their reactions or hear their responses, he turns on his heel and walks out of the office. He go down the stairs. He walks out the door of the building and the sunlight burns his eyes when he looks up at the sky. All he wants is to get to his apartment and have a drink- No, drink a whole bottle of wine and sleep until he forgets his name.
Until he forgot Dazai and his bright eyes like stars.
“Dazai? Dazai!" Chuuya is alarmed seeing his gesture, "Are you alright? What hurts?"
"You" Dazai replies, he can't help it, "I don't wanna say- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
Does Chuuya cause Dazai pain? How?
No, Chuuya can't deal with this shit right now. It's, as Dazai himself said, too much.
Chuuya hates him-
Damn, he hates so much that he can't hate him at all...
Chuuya swallows all the stupid feelings he's feeling now like a champ and walks away. Dazai will learn to do the same sooner or later, swallow his feelings. It's no longer his problem to deal with. Actually, it hasn't been for a long time, he just didn't want to admit it, clinging to useless hope.
Dazai will be taken care of by his colleagues from the Agency. Chuuya had to go, it's all he could do. And he did.
Dazai no longer needs him. Maybe never did.
And, having had nearly five years of hands-on practice convincing himself of this particular lie, Chuuya truly believes himself when he repeats to himself under his breath that he doesn't need Dazai either.
Notes:
What did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. I post a new chapter every saturday so see you next saturday <3
In the next chapter, Dazai knows about happy emotions. It's still a roller coaster, but now at the top, and Dazai is determined to explore life, unfortunately, he runs away to do so. The ADA panics and they call Chuuya to help them find him.
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
Chapter 6: “6”
Summary:
Dazai spends the morning experiencing the positive emotions with the ADA (in fact, he literally dances), then sleeps, and then sneaks out without anyone noticing. Naturally, the ADA panics and they call Chuuya. Naturally, Chuuya also panics.
Notes:
(I thought of Dazai dancing to Katy Perry music and the image never left my mind. Don't judge me. That's the real summary. The rest is in addition hahaha Enjoy)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Dazai hadn't said a word when they found him in the infirmary, sitting on the gurney looking out the sealed window. Yosano stood aloof, remembering the first reaction Dazai had had upon seeing her the first time she approached. Which left Kunikida to step closer, clear his throat, and mutter, a little uncertainly, "Dazai?"
"I don't want to be here" Dazai told him, without looking at him, "I hate infirmaries" he shuddered slightly.
And Kunikida thought about how he had never heard Dazai say words like Hate with real feeling before, and Kunikida had never questioned it.
"Of course" Kunikida nodded, suddenly nervous. What supposed he to do? Extend his hand to him? Turn away?
Dazai resolves Kunikida's internal dilemma by quickly brushing past him and fleeing out of the infirmary, then locking himself in the conference room.
Kunikida looks at the window sealed with the latch crooked so that it's impossible to open, clearly the work of Nakahara's skill. His concern for Dazai rises to too high a level, and he tries to follow his partner.
Yosano intercepts him in the hallway and stops him.
"You have to give him space," she patiently points out.
Kunikida makes a face. He is a pragmatic man: he takes one problem, solves it, and moves on to the next. But now he can't solve Dazai. There is nothing he can do for his partner now. His hands tingle nervously at the prospect.
"We will work to help him by finding out more about that machine. Remember, Kunikida?"
"Yes," Kunikida nods, his back straight. It's a man receiving a mission. Of course, he have to get back to work, focus, solve it. This is how he's going to help Dazai.
This is how everyone is going to help him.
The offices of the Armed Detective Agency, normally silent except for the screams of Dr. Yosano's patient on duty and Kunikida and Dazai's arguing (more like Kunikida scolding Dazai and him laughing at Kunikida), have now been suddenly invaded by the noise of the music at maximum volume that comes from one of the radios normally used exclusively to tune in to the news.
Katy Perry's Part of Me fills the entire floor, causing the detectives to jump up from their desks and rush to the source of the sound: the conference room, where Dazai had holed up after the mafia executive left.
When they arrive, Atsushi is already there, utterly freaked out as Dazai spins and bows him in a goofy, happier version of a ballroom dance.
The other members of the Agency stand frozen at the door. Even Ranpo seems to be surprised. And the thing is, Dazai seems... happy, genuinely happy, jumping and spinning Atsushi to the beat of a pop song.
It's almost... endearing to watch. Definitely much better than watching their partner suffer and scream from non-physical pain that they can't do anything to help alleviate.
Music is Dazai's newest discovery. The brunette had never understood why people liked music so much. After all, they were just a bunch of chords and lyrics manipulated specifically to make people want to hear them.
Or so he thought until he started playing with the office radio to try to stop feeling holes in his chest filled with blades. And the music, my God, the music: It's vibration and voice and feelings, sweet feelings and loud and bright like a bunch of fireworks are exploding in your chest, making you want to move and jump and never stop.
It's... It's joy, he thinks, maybe euphoria. The definitions are confused now that he think that no definition can completely pinpoint any of these emotions.
Probably euphoria, from how quickly he goes from feeling like the world is broken to feeling like the world is his. The rational, mental part of Dazai, now overshadowed and drowned out by too many emotions, suggests as a theory that he is in a state of instability due to the loss of his ability, like being on a roller coaster of emotions, but Dazai can't catch that thought, escapes him, and then the music, which makes him laugh involuntarily when he hears it, takes up all the space in his mind.
So emotions, feelings, can also be good after all. That's an even bigger relief.
The music makes him jump and move and he catches Atsushi as soon as he sees him so that they spin together to the rhythm of it. "Dance with me, Atsushi!" he told him, and began pacing the room until the rest of the Agency, searching for the source of the noise, arrived and found them.
"Dazai-san is...dancing?" Tanizaki points, just as surprised as everyone else.
As soon as he sees them, Dazai flashes his teammates a genuine, bright, excited smile that surprises them all. He looks like a kid (or Ranpo) in a candy store.
Dazai lets go of Atsushi to throw himself into Kunikida's arms. "Did you know that music can be felt, Kunikida-kun? I can feel it!"
Atsushi's expression went from surprise and concern to a soft smile on his face. He still feels guilty that Dazai fell victim to the machine just because he got distracted, but it's good to see Dazai not only experience the bad side of emotions, but also the good. Atsushi has never seen his mentor so happy. And after all that Dazai has done for him, he's so glad that Dazai got this little piece of happiness.
(Honestly, his yelling from earlier made Atsushi cry. That's not saying much though, considering Atsushi is quite prone to tears)
Dazai pulls Kunikida to the center of the conference room, grinning from ear to ear.
"Come on Kunikida-kun, dance with me!" exclaims Dazai happily, as Katy Perry sings This is the part of me~
Kunikida, though happy for his partner, tenses like an iron plate at the prospect of having to dance.
"Ah- Uh- No no no, Dazai. I don't dance" he says, a little nervous, while he squirms a little and lets out a complaint-shaped exclamation. However, he does not seriously try to let go.
"But it's so beautiful!" Dazai exclaims, jumping up and goading Kunikida to do the same, "Uh oh, and did you know you're an amazing partner Kunikida-kun?! I really feel like you are! Now I know!"
Kunikida blushes at the compliment and, tense as hell, gives Dazai a couple of spins with his arm raised.
"Come on, Kunikida!" Yosano laughs, encouraging, indulgent, "Way to be done!" she claps.
Yosano knows more about Dazai's past than all of them, with the exception of Ranpo and the president himself, especially since she armed and possesses the suicide maniac's medical records. She knows that he suffered a great deal, and from the way he looked at her when he first woke up to her approaching him, so terrified, she can guess, almost affirm, who caused much of that suffering: Mori. Yosano knows Mori first hand, he almost broke her even though he didn't have her for that long.
How long did Mori have Dazai?
Yosano shakes her head to push those thoughts away for the moment and instead just absorb the joy of this moment.
Kenji claps his hands happily: "I want to dance too!" he exclaims, and doesn't wait for any permission to jump into the middle of the room, next to Dazai and a tense Kunikida who looks more like a metal pole that Dazai is using to dance with.
Kyoka comes up behind him, wary but curious. Dazai notices her and holds out his hand: "Dance, Kyoka-chan! This is wonderful!"
Kyoka jumps like an alley cat, careful, but in the end she takes the hand Dazai extends to her. She has learned to trust him, over time, especially considering that thanks to Dazai's help she has found a place in the Agency.
Dazai spins Kyoka around with a smile that causes her to spread a small smile of her own on her face. Kenji jumps across the room, prompting Atsushi to do it with him. Naomi pulls Tanizaki into dancing too, and Tanizaki, though embarrassed, finally smiles and moves with his sister around the room.
Ranpo soon jumps in and joins in, stating that there can't be a dance at the Agency without him being involved. And Yosano accepts the hand he offers to dance with him.
Soon, the entire Agency is dancing, clumsy but joyful in the middle of the conference room, to the beat not only of the melody but also of the euphoric laughter of a Dazai who, although he acts very different, is still, deep down, his Dazai.
The president appears at some point in all of this, guided by the sound of music and the laughter of his employees. Fukuzawa stands in the doorway, silently watching the dance show that has taken place in the Agency. And smile, nice little one, for this little moment of peace in the midst of the storm ahead.
Dazai really does look like a kid, Kunikida thinks as he watches Dazai reach out for the tiger paw that Atsushi extends to him instead of his arm. As soon as Dazai's fingers touch the tiger fur, he lets out an audible gasp of surprise, moving his fingers through the fur, and then smiles.
"It's... softer than I imagined," Dazai comments, chuckling as he touches Atsushi's tiger paw with both hands, digging his fingers into the fluffy fur.
Atsushi smiles. The tiger inside him stirs, pleased with the touch and the compliment.
"Do you want to see one of my Light Snow illusions, Dazai-san?" offers Tanizaki below.
Everyone seems excited about this new chance to share their abilities with Dazai, especially the younger ones, like Tanizaki and Atsushi himself, who have abilities that aren't automatically violent or radical, like Yosano's, one that Dazai would definitely choose to die before prove.
Dazai's eyes light up like a Christmas tree at Tanizaki's question and he nods like a child.
Being inside Tanizaki's ability is pretty impressive, especially if you've never been before. Feelings and emotions dance in Dazai's chest: joy, excitement, curiosity, echoes of euphoria, a hint of shyness.
It's good and leaves no room, for the moment, for heartbreaking emotions. The brunette clings to it tooth and nail.
Dazai laughs, spinning around as fake snowflakes fall on his nose and cheeks, as real as if it were really snowing on him.
It's not so funny when Kenji, without asking for permission, picks Dazai up with one arm, but the boy has such a big smile that it easily rubs off on Dazai.
Feelings, Dazai has discovered, aren't just knives stuck in the heart, they can also be fireworks.
It's... It's Woah.
Kunikida, so rigid and no-nonsense, scolds Kenji, albeit in a gentle manner, reminding the boy that he cannot lift people off the ground without their express permission. However, it's obvious that his current partner can't help but show off his own ability a bit as well, because he draws something in his notebook, pulls out a small stuffed animal from it, and holds it out to Dazai.
And it's a relief for Dazai when, unlike so many other times, the object Kunikida offers him doesn't turn back into a sheet of paper in his hands, but instead remains a cute stuffed bear with a red bow on the neck (simply the blond and his attention to detail).
Dazai clutches the stuffed animal to his chest and takes a deep breath. What's wonderful isn't the stuffed animal itself, or any of the abilities in particular, it's the actual act of touching people and things they create, and not being responsible for taking away a part of who they are.
No Longer Human is empty, and everything it touched turned empty too. So his ability not only took away from Dazai everything that was his, but also took away from all the other ability users a part of themselves.
Before, with the echoes, the void only grew larger, and the disappointment in the eyes of others when he nullified his abilities was just a distant weight.
Now, with his emotions, the memories of using No Longer Human feel like a stone on his chest.
Before guilt and regret can engulf Dazai again, Ranpo turns the radio back on, anticipating it. The song's melody is calmer this time, but it's warm and bubbly and Dazai smiles, the teddy bear still hugged tightly to his chest.
Honestly, Dazai wants to stay on the high side of emotions for as long as possible. Maybe if he does, he can avoid the painful memories that feel like his heart and both lungs are being ripped out at once. Maybe, if he succeeds, he won't feel that terrible pain in his chest that hit him when Chuuya left.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Joy and laughter leave a nice tingle in your chest, similar to getting drunk, only warmer and without the whole alcohol poisoning thing. Dazai classifies that information with the rest of his recent discoveries about emotions and feelings.
Now, Dazai is lying on the Agency couch where he usually naps (which is actually the only time he sleeps, since he doesn't tend to sleep at night due to his lack of physiological drive to do so) and while his head and heart are a constant whirlwind of emotions and feelings colliding like dying galaxies, right now what leads that tangle is... it's weird. Dazai is feeling weird things. No, they are not good or bad, they are weird. Normally, when he lie down in this chair, he have to force himself to try to sleep; driving his mind blank as he cancels the noise with his headphones and squeezes his eyes shut. But now, something inside him makes his limbs tingle and his eyes heavy, similar to when he's lost too much blood, but without the pain, more like a mist has settled in his mind. This is... what is it?
He blinks repeatedly to clear his mind, but to no avail. Then he yawns and Oh. What he's feeling is...sleepy? Is it possible that it is? How can he be sure?
Dazai rubs his eyes and stifles another yawn, straightening up and searching, searching: There's Atsushi. Dazai is so proud of the boy, and the feeling explodes in his chest when he looks at him, so he practically has to jump over the feeling, forcing himself to take a deep breath to speak.
"Atsushi-kun?"
Atsushi jumps up from where he was concentrating on his computer and practically runs towards Dazai, skidding across the floor to get to him.
"Dazai-san, what's wrong? Are you alright?" The boy asks, anxious.
Dazai swallows hard as the guilt collides with the proud in his chest and they churn in the center of his chest. It's hard. The brunette is going to have to start getting used to the fact that everything in all corners at all times in all corners causes some kind of emotion, sensation or feeling.
"I'm sorry," he tries, and still marvels that his words aren't just half sincere or wishful thinking of what he wanted or expected to feel, "Can I ask you a question, Atsushi-kun?" He asks, relieved that he was able to build a complete sentence again without being interrupted by his new emotions.
"Of course, Dazai-san" Atsushi nods like a child hoping to please, a bit taken aback by Dazai's so passive attitude, but then reminds himself that this is Dazai with emotions, he's obviously different, though be the same person deep down.
"When you feel like sleeping, what do you feel, uh, you know, inside of you?" Dazai asks, trying to swallow the embarrassment that erupts suddenly in the heat that rises to his cheeks.
Atsushi looks at him surprised, and then thoughtful, as if he had never questioned something like this before. It's probable that he never would have questioned it, considering that for him, like for the rest of the humans, sleep is something natural.
"I feel, well, want to sleep. I mean, I feel... tired? Like I just want to... uh... lie on a bed and close my eyes, I think" Atsushi answers the question, trying to explain but a little iffy around the edges.
"What a mediocre description, Atsushi" Ranpo points out from his desk, munching on pokys noisily.
Kunikida would probably agree if he were here, but he's not. Kunikida and Tanizaki went out after the whole "test your ability at Dazai" show to gather clues about the organization that created the ability-stealing machine.
"Eh?" Atsushi complains about Ranpo's criticism.
Ranpo then proceeds to explain the reasons why he can explain it better and then offers a list of symptoms (if they can even be called symptoms, considering they're not talking about a disease) to identify the sleepy. Kenji happily contributes that cows can sleep standing up.
Dazai listens intently, nodding and yawning occasionally in between. It's much easier to understand when Ranpo explains it, because clearly Ranpo takes into account the way Dazai integrates the information and tailors his explanation accordingly.
Ranpo feels to Dazai like what you would call a brother. When Dazai looks at him, he feels both admiration and a hint of irrational resentment that Ranpo told Chuuya the truth about his ability, even though it was the logical thing to do. But feelings aren't logical at all, as he's beginning to learn.
However, Dazai jumps on those feelings, metaphorically, because he is very sleepy. He doesn't even notice when Ranpo's voice becomes nothing more than a distant noise.
Dazai turns to Atsushi, blinking in a haze of sleep. Atsushi is still standing by the chair, looking at it intently.
"'m proudofyou, Atsushi" Dazai mutters sleepily, because he can't help it. Feelings are like wild animals and he's just learning to tame them (and failing).
The brunette fell asleep instantly, so he couldn't see Atsushi blush at the compliment or surprise or get nervous or smile as if he had been offered the sun.
Dazai wakes up and it's still a wave, though not a Tsunami, hitting him. There are some feelings floating closer to the surface: fondness, fear, pain, longing, he still misses Chuuya, he still feels broken, he still feels his ADA work partners are very very important, and Chuuya is very very important.
He smiles and wipes a lone tear from his cheek and tries to breathe, to focus, to catalog what he's feeling into symptoms as Ranpo taught him. He straightens up in the chair and stretches out his arms, causing a blanket he wasn't wearing when he fell asleep to slide to the floor. He feels... sleepy, he thinks. But also incredibly rested, without the weight of days without sleep. Dazai had never felt like this, like he didn't have to fight with his own limbs to move forward at all. He's not sure how he feels about it, like he can't know for sure if taking this weight off is something he really deserves.
The brunette looks around: The ADA offices are empty. Even Ranpo is no longer lounging at his desk while eating sweets. It's not uncommon for this to happen, cases often leave these offices empty, but the loneliness still makes Dazai restless, so he gets up. Through the window, the light that is projected tells him that it must already be late, and the clock on the wall confirms it: four in the afternoon. Dazai slept for hours. That fact makes him feel even more restless, as if he were losing control of himself.
Loneliness is much scarier than the brunette used to think. He takes a step, determined to find someone, when he senses something new within himself and stops abruptly.
"Woah," he mutters, his eyes wide with surprise and he puts a hand to his stomach. It feels like there's a hole there. Dazai swallows cautiously and goes very still. It takes too long a moment for him to realize it's a physical sensation, not an emotional one, and he's embarrassed to admit that he freaks out when he realizes it, mostly because he doesn't know what he's feeling.
Dazai hates not being in full control of everything that happens to himself. It terrifies him.
The brunette leaves the offices through the corridor towards the exit, overwhelmed by uncertainty. He desperately wants to find someone to ask what this is. Whoever. And at the same time, he is embarrassed to do it; ask and admit that he's losing control of himself over and over and over and-
He stops abruptly.
What is that smell?
Dazai swallows. Is he salivating? Doesn't that happen when you're about to vomit? But the rest of his body isn't acting like he's going to throw up, so...
Oh.
The smell comes from the refrigerator in the break room, the one that holds basically only Ranpo's sweets.
What Dazai is feeling is... Hungry?
Dazai laughs to himself, short and still a bit wary. He is hungry! A lot!
He walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door. There are a couple of dorayakis and a strawberry shortcake that makes his stomach growl, demanding to be filled. However, he doesn't take anything from the fridge, even though his body desperately wants him to fill the hole. Not only because it's Ranpo's sweets and even when Dazai couldn't feel concern for such things, he would have taken Ranpo's sweets without permission, but because there is a lingering doubt in his mind: If he eat the food, will he be able to taste it? How is it to feel the taste of food?
His body practically trembles with anticipation. He looks out the window and the sunlight looks back. Dazai remembers when he leaned out through the open window of Yosano's infirmary and didn't want to fall. He wanted to live.
Well, in order to live, he could start by going out into the world and looking for something to eat, right? Millions of colorful foods and desserts come to mind and a flash of curiosity that explodes like a color bomb in his chest: Curiosity for a world that he has always observed from the outside, knowing all the pieces, but never being part of any puzzle.
Halfway down the stairs, he nearly bumps into one of the cafe's waitresses, who is bringing up a box of merchandise.
"Dazai-san!" She exclaims, surprised, "Where are you going in such a hurry?"
Dazai smiles at her as if he's having an adrenaline rush, which he probably is, though mixed with his hunger as well, and replies, "Outside!" And he continues down the stairs, as if that were an acceptable answer. It is for him, considering that in reality, he is going out into the world again as if it were the first time.
Naturally, driven entirely by his emotions, Dazai forgets his phone, forgets to leave a note, and it doesn't even occur to him that anyone will care when they don't find him at the Agency. However, you can't entirely blame him for it: Emotions and feelings are powerful, there are concepts he's just beginning to learn, and the truth is that he's always thought that no one should care too much about him anyway.
Anyway, hey world, here goes Dazai Osamu.
This is terrible. A catastrophe. Absolutely terrible.
"Dazai!"
"Dazai-san!"
"Dazai, where are you?!"
"Dazai!"
Dazai is not here. Not in the offices, where he was sleeping when they left. Not in the conference room. Not in the infirmary. Not in private offices. Not even in the cafeteria on the other floor. No, Dazai is not in the building.
"I'm sorry," Naomi says, a guilty expression on her face. She was supposed to stay and keep an eye on Dazai while the others went off to handle cases or look up information on the ability-stealing machine, "I was only gone for a few minutes. I didn't think he…"
"It's not your fault, Naomi," Tanizaki tells his sister, patting her reassuringly on the back.
The others agree with the statement, but it in no way lessens their concern.
Dazai is in who knows where. He left his phone here at the Agency, who knows if on purpose or by accident, so they can't contact or trace him.
Kunikida is dangerously close to having a fatal nervous breakdown. He shouldn't have trusted Dazai to be okay just because he was experiencing the positive emotions this morning. They shouldn't have left him alone.
Dazai could be anywhere. He could be... He could be in a river, floating. Or in the background.
No.
Kunikida narrows his eyes and shakes his head to himself. Dazai is not dead, no. The suicidal maniac is fine, he should be, but he probably won't stay that way for long. The world is already hostile to people who have dealt with emotions since birth, he can't imagine what it will be like for Dazai, who is experiencing full emotions for the first time.
It's dangerous. Dazai's life is in danger.
My God, Dazai is going to be the death of him. But be damned if he don't take it upon himself to find him safe first. It's in his ideals, in his notebook: Take care that Dazai eats, call Dazai twice a day, keep my partner alive.
And Kunikida never betrays his ideals. Never.
"Ranpo isn't answering the phone," Yosano reports, clenching her flip phone in her hand. Although it's not surprising that he doesn't, Ranpo never answers the phone when he goes to meet with Poe.
"We have to go out and search the city! We have to find him!" says Atsushi, looking anxious and worried, "He could be in danger! Or hurt himself!"
"We'll find him" Kenji tries to reassure him, always keeping a positive attitude.
"He could be anywhere in Yokohama" Kunikida states grimly, "Let's split up into teams to search for him" he states, taking a leading role.
Atsushi nods, practically vibrating with anxiety.
"We are not enough, we are going to take too long to cover all possible places" Tanizaki affirms gravely.
"Should we ask for help from the police?" Naomi asks, wringing her hands.
"Absolutely not." Yosano shakes her head, "But we should call someone else"
"Whom?" Kunikida asks him, and seeing Yosano's resigned expression, he understands immediately, and his eyes widen, "Do we really have to-?"
Yosano is already moving to take Dazai's phone and find the contact of the person they need. It doesn't take her long to figure out that the contact with the name: Slug<3 on Dazai's phone is the one she's looking for.
"He seemed to know Dazai well. And quite willing to help, for someone in the mafia" Yosano replies to Kunikida, "Besides, a ability like his must be very fast to search for a person around town, right?"
Yosano does not wait for an answer. Though them are too worried about Dazai to reject any idea that might help them find him anyway.
She presses dial and calls Chuuya Nakahara.
Chuuya's phone is ringing.
It's ringing and playing that annoying tone that Dazai put on Chuuya's phone specifically for his contact, and that the redhead didn't notice when he put it, but for some reason he never changed it when he discovered it.
The sound sends a pang through his chest that he would say is rage, but is actually much more like pain.
Chuuya straightens up from where he was lying on the ceiling and goes down to the ground wrapped in red, holding a glass of half-drunk wine in his hand, and looks aggressively at his phone, which is ringing and vibrating on top of the coffee table.
He seriously considers not answering. After all, it's all clear now, Dazai doesn't need him, Chuuya doesn't need Dazai. Dazai will be fine, Chuuya will pretend to be until he really is.
What can the bastard want now? After all?
If there were new clues, it wouldn't be Dazai calling him now. So, Why?
Chuuya doesn't need to, and shouldn't (and doesn't want to) answer the call. Although, speaking of things he should be doing and not doing, Chuuya should be working, being the Port Mafia executive that he is, dammit, and not here, floating in a haze of self-pity.
The redhead picks up the phone. The screen says: Blue Mackerel. Chuuya grits his teeth. If he doesn't answer, he won't stop thinking about this, he won't be able to work, he's going to get drunk and end up calling Dazai himself (it wouldn't be the first time).
Chuuya convinces himself that it's better to answer now and cut the crap out of this. He puffs wearily and, before the last ring, answers the call.
"What do you want, Shitty Dazai?"
It's just that the person answering on the other end of the line isn't Dazai.
Chuuya instantly becomes defensive, and blurts out aggressively:
"Who fuck are you and why the fuck do you have Dazai's phone?" he practically growls.
"Chill out, great executive. It's Dr. Yosano" she says from the other end of the line, not at all impressed by the redhead's aggressive tone.
That answer leaves Chuuya tense and frozen in place. Why is the Agency doctor calling him? And from Dazai's phone? The implications are dangerous and make Chuuya's heart race with worry.
"I'll ask again, Where-is-Dazai?" he demands, holding his breath in anticipation. If Dazai is injured... If Dazai is injured and Chuuya left him alone...
"That's the problem. We don't know" the doctor replies, and woried is now evident in her voice, "We went back to the Agency and he wasn't here anymore"
What?
"Did you lose him?!" Chuuya bursts out, "Fucking assholes, what the hell is wrong with you?!"
"You can insult us or you can help us find him before someone hurts him or himself." she shuts him up, "If you care about him, or if you want to be the one to kill him, as you like to say, then help us find him, Nakahara."
The wine glass in Chuuya's hand shatters in his hand when the gravity manipulator squeezes it too hard and the remnants of the wine spill onto the floor, but he doesn't even notice.
The redhead curses. There he was, trying to do the right thing and get away from Dazai, and then the suicidal bastard goes missing and forces Chuuya to search for him. Because yes, there's no way Chuuya wouldn't go looking for him now. He remembers the tears, the vulnerable look in Dazai's eyes, the confusion, and a feeling of fierce protection welling up in his chest.
"I'm going there now" he says seriously, feeling worry turn his stomach and tighten his chest, "I'll be there in five minutes" he hangs up before receiving an answer and the rest is a red blur until he's outside the building on his motorcycle.
It's a good thing Chuuya doesn't care about traffic laws, because it's safe to say that he breaks a lot of them from the moment he gets on his motorcycle and speeds away, dodging obstacles with the help of his ability. He said five minutes, but he's going to be there in three.
Wait for me, Shitty Dazai.
Notes:
ADA & Chuuya: OH NO, Dazai is probably drowning in a river. We have to find him!
Dazai, outside: How many foods can I try at once?
In the next chapter we have Dazai and Chuuya interacting again. And, obviously, at some point Dazai is going to tell Chuuya about his new discovery: Music. So here I am foolishly asking, what song do you think these two should dance to?
If you've read the synopsis, you know this is going to get more dramatic in the future, but first, Dazai and Chuuya are going to have important conversations and do fun things, as they should.
Finally, what did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. I post a new chapter every saturday so see you next saturday <3
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
Chapter 7: “7”
Summary:
Chuuya and the ADA search for Dazai. To Chuuya's misfortune or fortune, he is the one who finds him, in a damn candy store, that is.
Dazai, for his part, is embarking on his own adventure, but he wouldn't mind Chuuya coming with him.
(As always, Ranpo helps more than he seems)
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The only reason why Chuuya doesn't kill that bunch of jerks from the Agency is because he knows stupid Dazai cares about them. Dazai had better be okay when I find him, or he could don't keep like this.
They split up around Yokohama to search the bridges, rivers, and very tall buildings first. From there they broaden their search to places they know Dazai likes to go to. But dangerous places are the priority, considering Dazai's suicidal tendencies.
Chuuya is jumping between the tallest buildings, since with his ability he can cover them faster than anyone else. Meanwhile, the ADA members were divided between the bridges, the different points of the river, and Dazai's room in the ADA dormitories. Chuuya also calls on Akutagawa to comb the Port Mafia territory in the port, just in case the suicidal bastard has decided to be especially suicidal and decided that it's a good idea for a traitor to take a tour of the organization's turf the one he betrayed and dies voluntarily there (although the truth is that there are very few people in Port Mafia, if any, who would dare to try to kill him)
You better be safe, you bastard, Chuuya thinks, playing with gravity to get to the next roof of a building.
As he searches the rooftops, he makes a mental list of Dazai's favorite places:
-The cemetery.
-The bridges (but those are already being covered by the detectives)
-Do he still like that Lupine bar?
-Expressionist museums.
They are all terribly depressing. By awakening his emotions, could those favorites have changed for him? If so, how is he going to find it?
Chuuya stops at the next building he steps on. He need to change his strategy. What would Dazai do in his place? (Besides calling him a Chibi dumb, of course.) Well, as Chuuya recalls, Dazai would say that if you want to find a person and there are several possible places they could be, you have to start at the point where all these places connect and-
Chuuya's phone starts ringing. It's an unknown number, but he assumes it's one of those hateful Agency members, so he answers on the first ring anyway, because the call could mean them already found the suicidal maniac.
Alive, alive, alive... He is alive.
"You got him?"
A laugh sounds from the other end in response. Oh no. Chuuya reluctantly recognizes that voice. He's the smug from the Armed Detective Agency, Ranpo Edogawa.
"Hey, Mr. Fancy Hat, are you having fun?"
"How the fuck did you get my number?"
"Oh please, I'm Ranpo, the infallible detective, getting phone numbers is insultingly easy. I won't waste time explaining the details to lesser minds than mine."
"You damn-"
Chuuya seriously considers hanging up the phone, but doesn't. This guy is ridiculous, but he's smart, at least according to Dazai. And Chuuya, though always grudgingly, trusts Dazai with these things, so he decides to wait and hear what this smug detective has to say.
"Since you sound as lost as I gather you are, I've decided to honor you with the location of my favorite candy store."
That's not at all the useful information I was hoping for, what the fuck-?
"Why the fuck would I want that?!"
"Oh, but it's obvious, Mr. Fancy Hat, or aren't you looking for Dazai right now?"
Chuuya leans closer to the phone with eager interest. "Do you know where-?"
Ranpo happily hangs up on him.
"Ugh!"
Damn detectives and their habit of being so fucking enigmatic. Seriously, what's wrong with this fucking idiot and why if he knows where Dazai is doesn't he tell anyone? Why is he calling Chuuya and not his own damn coworkers? He doesn't understand that-?
Chuuya's phone vibrates with a notification. It's a single message from an unknown number: an address.
Chuuya wonders if Dazai would mind if he killed just one of his coworkers instead of all of them. The redhead thinks that would be quite generous of him.
But first, he's going to go to that damn direction, and if Dazai isn't there and this just wastes Chuuya's time, then the redhead will be the one to have fun.
All the employees of the cheerful candy store see the short man dressed in black from head to toe enter, stomping his feet, and with a look that makes the employees dressed in pink and yellow aprons want to hide behind the counter. He seems like a man ready to cause trouble. He is obviously looking for something, because he rushes to look between the big and long corridors one by one.
"Should we worry?" one of the employees asks his manager, watching as the redhead storms into the KitKat and gum aisle.
The manager shakes her head. "Neither he nor the bandaged man who asked if the sweets we sold had flavor should cause any trouble, according to Ranpo-san."
The clerk sighs and nods, going back to his job cleaning the counter and pretending he hasn't seen or heard anything.
The candy store is almost disgustingly colorful. Personally, Chuuya prefers fancy restaurants with darker or burgundy colors. It doesn't seem like a place Dazai would choose to go either, but then again, Dazai now has emotions, who knows how he makes his decisions.
The store is big, has a lot of hallways, and is especially empty, just a couple of people here and there.
Lots of hallways, yes, but not a Dazai.
Chuuya begins to think that this was indeed just a prank and revenge on the part of the smug detective. The redhead is from the mafia after all, even with the truce, the collaboration is tense.
Chuuya questions how much time he wasted here and what does that mean for Dazai as he walks down the hall of multi-flavored Ramune, about to abandon this strategy and go back to searching places that would be deliciously self-destructive for Dazai, when he recognizes a few footsteps to his left, in the next hallway. Family footsteps. Footsteps that, although there are several other people in the store, the mafia executive recognizes in an instant.
Dazai.
That's not weird. Of course, Chuuya knows how Dazai's footsteps are heard and how different they are from anyone else's footsteps. But that means nothing. He only knows because learning it was part of being partners, all that shit about knowing each other better than anyone. It doesn't mean that Chuuya cared, it doesn't mean that Chuuya would have paid so much attention to the suicidal maniac that he would have learned from the way his footsteps sounded to his different ways of breathing.
No, it doesn't mean anything special.
Chuuya stops abruptly and runs, turning into the next hallway very quickly, holding his hat with one hand so it doesn't fall off.
"Dazai!"
As soon as he reaches the other corridor, he realizes that it was not necessary to call him to stop. Dazai is already standing in the middle of the lollipops and chewy aisle, holding a shopping basket in his hands filled with multi-colored packages. His back is to Chuuya as he looks straight ahead with a tense back.
Of course, Dazai recognized Chuuya's footsteps as easily as Chuuya recognized his own.
The redhead is terribly relieved to see the bastard alive and standing, apparently uninjured, just very disheveled, in the middle of a bloody candy aisle. He also feels a terrible desire to punch him. Damn, how do he think of escaping like that? Worrying his stupid Agency coworkers (to Chuuya) like that? And all to come to a fucking candy store?
"Oi Dazai!" he calls.
Dazai turns to him. The shopping basket he is holding in his hands slips and Chuuya catches it with his gravity power.
"Chuuya" Dazai exhales, as if all the breath escaped from his chest at once. His cheeks are very red and his eyes are bright and he looks shinier than the mafia executive has ever seen him.
He makes Chuuya lose his breath as well.
Dazai had a plan. It was simple and full of holes, very different from his usual plans, but at least it was a plan, much more than what he had achieved since the moment he lost No Longer Human and got emotions in return.
The plan was based on the following hypothesis: If he now feels hungry, then he should also be able to taste the food he eats to satisfy that hunger.
And how was he going to test that hypothesis?: Buying a lot of colorful food to eat.
And what's the only reference Dazai has about food besides his usual canned crab? Ranpo's favorite candy store, of course. Ranpo is always talking about that store, so Dazai ran there.
The main flaw with his plan?: He left so quickly that he forgot not only his cell phone, but also his wallet. It's so frustrating that it makes he want to cry, but at least he control himself better than that and he don't. Instead, he paces the aisles with his mouth watering and hunger making him dizzy, betting with himself on the flavors of the different sweets and chips he puts in his basket.
He is weighing the pros and cons of running out with the basket when he hears it: Light footsteps of a spy but with a slight tilt in the heel that makes them click because whoever walks always wants to be seen.
Chuuya.
Dazai stops abruptly in the middle of the aisle of lollipops and chewy candies. What is Chuuya doing here, in Ranpo's favorite candy store, a long way from the port grounds? Before he can easily deduce the answer, the question is forgotten in the back of his mind, overshadowed by a multitude of emotions and feelings.
Chuuya is so, so many things on his chest. How he can classify all those emotions at once into symptoms?
"Dazai!"
Chuuya's voice is like molasses in his ears.
Dazai thought that he would not see Chuuya again for a long time. He thought he had ruined everything. Without his ability, they would no longer pair him up to work with Chuuya. And, besides, the redhead thought that Dazai hated him and had left because of that, when the truth is that Dazai- For God's sake. The warmth in his chest is exploding fireworks, and Dazai tries to focus on that, on the good part of the vast whirlwind of emotions that his ex partner is to him.
"Take one feeling at a time," Ranpo had recommended to him.
"Oi Dazai!"
Dazai takes a deep breath and turns around. Chuuya knocks him out of breath very easily. The shopping basket slips from his hands and Chuuya catches it with his ability, holding it suspended in the air.
Inside Dazai's chest is pain, anger, fear, trust, and that warmth so great that it could envelop an entire city. At least, since it's not the first time he's felt all of this at the same time (he thinks, he hopes, he's starting to get used to it), the brunette manages to hold on to the good warm feeling out of all the ones there are. Dazai clings to that warmth, because he doesn't want to cry embarrassingly again in front of Chuuya, because even though he doesn't know what that warm feeling tickling his stomach is (no, it's not hunger), he knows that it feels wonderful.
"Chuuya" the name on her lips tastes just as sweet. Feel the hot cheeks. What does it mean? Is he suddenly getting sick? Why he do cheeks feel so hot all of a sudden?
Chuuya also seems to have frozen for a second, but recovers much faster than Dazai, sets the basket down with his ability, clears his throat, and begins:
"Damn mackerel, what were you thinking, disappearing like that? Your whole damn Agency is looking for you like crazy all over the fucking city, and they involved me. You think I have no better thing to do than look for you all over the city?" Chuuya growls.
Dazai feels a little guilty, but Chuuya's behavior is also quite endearing, familiar. Dazai also feels very confused, why was everyone looking for him? He disappears all the time and comes back and no one has ever looked for him before, why would they care about him? Why would anyone ever care about him?
"I'm sorry" Dazai replies, like a scolded child, well aware how strange it is that he apologizes when he's not being cheeky or high, "I don't know why they called you" he admits, looking down at the are with their cheeks still red, "I just went out for a-"
Chuuya snorts through his nose. "You came out without your phone and with your brain scrambled like a piñata, Dazai, they were obviously worried, dammit"
"Chuuya was worried about me too?" Dazai asks, turned into a small mound of hope and longing.
"Of course not"
Dazai shrinks, wanting to make himself very small, and almost forgets hunger altogether (almost is the keyword).
"Oh." he mutters, looking down at his shoes and making a face of visible disappointment.
"Tsk" Chuuya grabs the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb and snorts through his nose again, "Okay, okay, I was fucking worried, can you blame me idiot? And stop giving me that dead fish face"
Dazai smiles, all wide and bright. The warmth in his chest feels even better than when he discovered music and danced through a whole song. The happiness he feel from such a small admission is definitely not normal, is it? Dazai doesn't know enough about emotions yet to know the answer.
"You care about me, don't you?" He says smiling, but the feeling turns bittersweet, and Dazai remembers that this is not good. Chuuya shouldn't worry about Dazai.
"Does it matter?" Chuuya snarls, looking away, "I found you, I'll take you to your Agency and it's over. Don't worry, I still vividly remember your aversion to being near me."
Chuuya reaches out to grab his wrist and pull him away from this bloody candy store, but then Dazai takes the chance to entwine their hands. The electric shock from the contact scares the hell out of him, but he doesn't back down.
He needs to say this as much as he needs to breathe to live:
"Chuuya was too much for me, but he's a good too much. I don't hate Chuuya, ne? I just feel so much things for Chuuya. But I don't-" Dazai's words catch on his tongue, he's scared to say it, so scared, but he needs to, he owes Chuuya at least that much, "I don't want you leave. I never did. Never."
Chuuya's cheeks redden violently, it seems he wasn't prepared for this Dazai's admissions with emotions. Dazai's heart beats faster at the image, though he doesn't understand why.
He wish emotions came with a manual. Something like an encyclopedia with dynamic classifications and examples. Yes, that would be very useful.
"God, okay, okay, I believe you, stop saying shit like that, mackerel," Chuuya snorts, when he finally finds his voice, letting go of their clasped hands as he tries to hide his blush as he looks at the sweets on the shelves, "Anyway, why did you decide to run away and come to a candy store of all places?" he changes the subject, clearing his throat when his voice sounds a little higher than it should.
Dazai looks at Chuuya, completely serious, and answers very solemnly: "I'm hungry."
It’s evident that Chuuya has to make a surprising effort not to hit himself on the forehead with his hand.
Dazai is going to drive Chuuya crazy. Definitely. And very soon.
"What the hell are you? A kid? Running to the candy store when he's hungry?"
Dazai lowers his head, embarrassed. It's quite a show. Chuuya never thought that he would see Dazai, the demon prodigy, ex Port Mafia's executive, embarrassed by something. It's almost... adorable.
No, no, no, it's not.
"I don't-" Dazai purses his lips, searching for the words. That is another new thing. Dazai has a silver tongue, he always knows what to say and what the right words will be, but now emotions seem to have clouded his words, "I've never felt hungry before" he confesses.
Chuuya blinks, dumbfounded: "What the fuck?"
Dazai sighs, realizing he has more to explain than that. Yeah, Chuuya needs fucking more explanation.
"I didn't... No Longer Human took over my emotions, but also my sensations. Sleeping or eating are things that my body needs just like everyone else's, but I didn't feel it." he explains.
Chuuya's eyes widen, considering this new information. In hindsight, that makes sense of a lot of things, like when Dazai would end up passing out from exhaustion after the bastard had forgotten to sleep for three days. Chuuya had believed that Dazai was lying all along, that is, how the hell did you forget to sleep? Or when Dazai didn't eat for days or claimed he didn't understand the concept of favorite food when asked what his was.
But he understands now: Dazai really forgot.
"Is that why you never wanted to eat?"
"Something like that. I couldn't feel the flavors either, it was all like eating tasteless dirt. Definitely not fun. Except for the crab, that one has a nice texture, I don't know the taste though." Dazai shrugs, "But according to my theory, I should now be able to feel flavors."
"And, instead of having a healthy meal, you decided to satisfy your hunger with sweets. I shouldn't expect anything different from you," Chuuya snorts, running a hand over his face, "I'm sorry that things were so difficult for you that they shouldn't have been, Dazai" he says sincerely, because he's sorry. It's so terribly unfair that Dazai's ability has robbed Dazai himself of so much.
The brunette hums, without committing himself, "It wasn't that bad"
"Don't minimize your shit, idiot" Chuuya punches him with no real force on the back of the neck, "Come on, I'll take you to your Agency and you can eat all you want and go into a diabetic coma or explode from the mixture of flavors, whatever you want"
Dazai shakes his head.
"I'm not going back to the Agency yet," he says, determined.
"Why?" Chuuya raises both eyebrows.
"We don't know the full effects of the ability-stealing machine yet. This might not be permanent. And if No Longer Human is coming back, I'd like to be able to experiment as much as I can before it does."
Chuuya sighs. He's sure he's going to regret the decision he's about to make, but it's too late to back off. This is Dazai, ready to eat the world like never before, but the world has teeth too and it could eat Dazai first, so Chuuya can't just leave him alone in this.
(Chuuya doesn't want to leave him alone either)
"Fine, whatever you want. I'll call your Agency and tell them you're not dead, then we can go do whatever you fucking want, but you're going to owe me this, make it very clear" Chuuya warns him, but it's, as always , just an empty threat.
Dazai looks at him with wide eyes in surprise.
"Chuuya is coming with me?"
"Someone needs to stop you from killing yourself. That usually ends up being my job."
Dazai smiles. It's so blinding that Chuuya needs to look away. He turns and takes his phone out of his pocket, looks up the recently saved contact as "Posit-man" and presses dial.
"Oh! Tell Kunikida-kun I keep his teddy bear in my pocket" Dazai says. It's so rare to see a wide smile on his face that's really genuine. It's not so strange that he could easily guess who he was going to call Chuuya though.
The redhead silences him. Honestly, he also gets a little annoyed. Teddy bears? Why did Dazai's idiot new partner give the suicidal maniac a teddy bear?
No, Chuuya, fucking focus.
"Nakahara, what's wrong? Did you find him?" Kunikida answers after the second ring with his very anxious and demanding voice.
"Yes, I found him. He's wasn't in a river, he was hungry. I'll return him to you eventually." Chuuya summarizes, and then hangs up without saying goodbye. Then he puts his phone in his pocket, uses his gravity control to float the basket of sweets into his hand, and analyzes the contents with a critical eye. He turns to Dazai: "Come on, move, I'll pay for this thing. But first I'm going to add some Ramune to it because you can't deprive your newly acquired palate of them, dammit."
Dazai smiles, the joy suits him. "You are amazing, Chuuya!" Dazai exclaims, "I was wondering how I was going to get away with sweets myself."
"Hah?"
"It's just that I ran out and forgot my wallet" Dazai answers cheerfully, not flinching in the least.
Chuuya looks at him like he can't believe his ears. Fucking god, this idiot, he thinks "Damn mackerel"
"Thanks, Chibi," Dazai replies, leaning towards the shelves as they walk and tossing a new packet of chips into the basket. There's a hint of mischief to his words, but it still sounds genuine.
Chuuya doesn't correct the nickname, just this once. In fact, he is forced to hide a smile. Dazai is sounding like himself again at the core, even if the edges are different with his newly acquired emotions, and Chuuya is relieved about that.
The candy store clerk is startled when the redhead slams a basket of candy down on the counter with too much force.
"Charge me this," the redhead says, and his voice sounds dangerously close to a…grunt? He's not being aggressive though.
"Yes yes, of course" answers the store clerk, recovering from the shock and starting to mark the products one by one while looking sideways at the two outlandish men: the bandaged man tries to touch everything and the shorter man grabs the shirt of bandaged man, holding him like a cat to stop him.
And he thought that Ranpo-san's weirdest friend was that blond boy who wanted to be given sweets in exchange for a cow...
Finally, the clerk finishes marking the products, puts them in a bag that has the logo of the store drawn on it in a large size and feels very proud of himself when, when he extends the bag to the intimidating redhead, his hand doesn't shake one bit.
"Thank you for choosing us. Have a good day!"
The redhead receives the bag and nods politely. He then grabs the bandaged man's arm and starts pulling him towards the exit.
"I'm going to have to put a leash on you so I don't lose you, you crazy bastard" the redhead tells him.
The bandaged man isn't even fazed by her words, instead, they step outside and he says, "Did you know that sunlight generates feelings? I mean, I knew all about the logical explanation for the production of serotonin on contact with sunlight, but now I feel it! And it's..."
The store doors close and the clerk can no longer hear the strange conversation.
His coworker approaches him smiling as she looks at the door and says: "What cute boyfriends they were, don't you think?" She comments.
He shrinks his shoulders. They were probably dating, that makes a lot of sense.
For some reason that is beyond Chuuya's understanding, they end up in Yamashita Park, sitting on the short, well-kept grass: Dazai directly on the grass and Chuuya on his own black jacket. All the sweets and chips are scattered around both of them while Dazai points between them humming, deciding which of them is going to eat first.
Chuuya wonders what someone who knows him would think if they saw him here, now: An executive of the Port Mafia, user of one of the most dangerous abilities, ex member of one of the most feared criminal duos in the world, playing picnic with his ex partner.
Really, how has his life come to this?
Still, there's something endearing about the whole scene. For starters, Yamashita Park is a surprisingly nice place. Chuuya has never frequented it much, even less if it's not for work reasons. The only time he's come here for no work purpose has been, in fact, with Dazai, when they were both sixteen and nothing had gone to shit yet.
Also, seeing Dazai like this, so open and almost...vulnerable, does very strange things to Chuuya's heart, which is currently doing pirouettes because of the scene unfolding in front of him. These are familiar feelings, Chuuya knows them very well, although he hasn't allowed himself to feel them in a long, long time. As always, he wishes didn't care as much about Dazai as does.
Dazai picks up the package of Ramune sweets, stating that he should try what Chuuya picked out first, and begins to examine it in detail.
The redhead thinks about what Dazai had told him earlier, in the candy store.
"I don't hate Chuuya, ne? I just feel so much things for Chuuya."
"I don't want you leave. I never did. Never."
It's terribly unfair. Him saying things like that now. It makes Chuuya wonder if, before, Dazai felt echoes of all that he says towards him. He also wonders what he means by feeling so much things. What things? It's unfair, but neither of their lives have been fair either, and Dazai's life has been even more unfair than Chuuya initially thought. So even though a part of him wants to, he can't hold it against him. But he still have questions, he still have more feelings than he should.
Here's the problem: Chuuya always seems to have more feelings than he should.
He looks at Dazai and begins to understand a little what the bandaged man means when he say feel so much things. And then he notices Dazai's expression, which is no longer one of joy or curiosity, but tense, and he's examining the package of Ramune sweets as if it's going to bite into him.
Dazai is sure he's been looking at the package in his hand for much longer than is normally accepted to look…to look at basically anything. It's melon, the flavor. He can even recite all the ingredients now, that's not saying much though, considering his perfect memory. The truth is that he feels impatient and, at the same time, scared.
What if, when he taste the food, it still has no taste? What if eating is still like putting moldy dirt in his mouth and chewing it with his teeth? What if this incapacity had nothing to do with his ability? What if the fact of not being able to do something as simple as feel the flavors is the irrefutable proof that he is not human?
His heart, so suddenly filled with so many things, doesn't think he can bear having to discover that there is something else that keeps making him inevitably inhuman.
"What's up, mackerel?" Chuuya asks, looking at him with both raised eyebrows, "I thought you were really hungry?"
Dazai swallows and nods, "I have," he replies, noncommittal.
Breathe, he reminds himself. Dazai vividly remembers what it felt like to panic, and it's not an experience he's interested in repeating anytime soon.
"Huh huh, so why aren't you touching the food yet?"
"I'm touching it" Dazai points out, holding up the package of Ramune sweets.
"I remind you that I don't have much patience. Are you going to tell me the truth or do I have to force it out of you?"
Chuuya is really attractive when he threatens, Dazai thinks, feeling a tingle. And then he's shocked because, woah, what was that?
"I just…I was wondering if maybe…if maybe I still can't feel the flavors"
Chuuya makes a confused face. It's okay, Dazai doesn't expect me to understand.
"But you said that your ability-"
"Maybe it wasn't my ability, maybe it's just... me" Dazai replies. He tries to sound nonchalant but fails miserably, emotions running wild.
Chuuya's expression changes from confusion to dark, almost sad understanding. Perhaps Dazai underestimated him, because it seems that the redhead understands him perfectly when he affirms with too much confidence:
"You were human even when you didn't have your emotions one hundred percent, Dazai. And you will remain human whether you feel the tastes or not"
"It's very kind of you to say so, even if you're wrong"
"I say it because it's true, you stupid mackerel. You are human"
Dazai looks at him, his own eyes shining as he fights back tears from crying because don't want cry again in front of Chuuya over something so stupid. His emotions are still very messy and sensitive.
"Why do you worry about me, Chuuya?" Dazai genuinely asks, muttering the words. Because honestly, he doesn't understand how someone is capable of caring about him.
Chuuya sighs, but his gaze is indulgent and almost affectionate (if Dazai sees correctly) as he replies, "Hell I know, mackerel, but I do, and I won't stop," you deserve someone to care about you, idiot, he doesn't says, but that's okay, because Dazai got it anyway without him saying it out loud, "Now try that damn food already, before you starve to death and leave me here to deal with your scrawny corpse."
Dazai nods, letting out a small but sincere giggle. Then she finally opens the packet of sweets, picks one up, and begins to examine it closely: It's the same color as a melon, only a little brighter, as if it's been dyed. The brunette brings it up to his nose and sniffs it: this candy has the smell of soda, it tickles his nose.
(Here's a fact: for some reason, No Longer Human never took away his sense of smell or touch, just like it didn't take away his hunger, it just took away the ability to have the sensations humans have in response to those senses and Therefore, Dazai could differentiate scents quite well, but they were all indifferent to him).
Dazai looks to Chuuya for guidance. Chuuya snorts, taking one from the package and putting it under his own tongue, making exaggerated gestures for Dazai to see. "So, Shitty Dazai," he tells him, "you let the candy melt under your tongue."
Dazai nods seriously and pops the candy into his mouth, cautious but determined.
It's... It's different, unique. Dazai doesn't know how to describe it, he can't even think of what to compare it to because he's never experienced anything like it: Flavor. But, even if he doesn't know exactly how to describe it, he knows he's experiencing it, because it's... it's... How can he say? Sweet? If this is a sweet, he supposes that then the sweets must vary within this type of flavors, sugary and fruity.
This is sweet. And it's wonderful. At this moment, Dazai begins to understand very well Ranpo's obsession with sweets.
"Dazai?" Chuuya asks, cautious, almost expectant.
Then Dazai realizes that he closed his eyes, because he has to open them to look at him. He has probably been silent too long, since the sweet ends up melting in the chestnut's mouth.
Dazai looks at Chuuya: "I...this is...is...good" he replies, licking his lips slowly, "Very good" he adds, more confidently, "This is...is what they call sweet flavor, right?" Dazai asks, hating to sound so insecure, but he needs confirmation from someone who already has experience, and Chuuya is the closest person. It's logical.
Chuuya clears his throat, as if recovering from a huge shock (and that's right, Chuuya's brain failed the moment he saw Dazai lick his lips).
"Yeah" he answers, concise.
Dazai nods, pops another candy into his mouth, feeling a burst of unexpected happiness. Do sweets also have serotonin? Is that why he have started to feel joyful? He needs to do more research on it.
"It's very good, Chibi!" Dazai exclaims, feeling a bunch of phosphorescent sweets dance on his tongue. "It's... It's not like eating dirt anymore!" he nods in wonder, still struggling to find the right words to describe the experience.
Chuuya throws a packet of chips in his face, when Dazai looks at him from under the packet, he is smiling at him. It is a different smile than usual, softer and warmer.
"That's salty," Chuuya points out, "the opposite of sweet."
"I know the definition," Dazai defends awkwardly, his cheeks feeling hot again against his will. Terrible. Still, joy overcoming embarrassment in the end. He opens the packet of chips and tries one.
Dazai doesn't know what his expression is right now, but judging from Chuuya's laugh, he assumes it must be a very funny expression.
"I know, it's good" Chuuya concedes, amused, "Wait till you try real food"
Right now, Chuuya's heart is doing much more than just pirouetting. Dazai can't... Dazai should be forbidden to act like this, so... so adorable. It's the vilest strategy of all, making Chuuya can't stop looking at him while looking so utterly cute by trying a bunch of sweets and finding out what taste is for the first time.
It's quite a spectacle, and a part of Chuuya, a secret and a bit selfish part, is incredibly proud and satisfied to be the first and only one witnessing this moment: It's one of the few and only moments where Dazai he has been vulnerable and open and is Chuuya's to treasure.
Maybe it's because Dazai has seen Chuuya in many vulnerable moments over the time they've known each other, and Chuuya just wants to even the score a bit. Perhaps it is because he has wished many times that he had more of Dazai, and this, this whole unreal, absurd and surprising afternoon, has been more.
Maybe it's because, deep down, Chuuya has never hated Dazai enough to not feel satisfied to see him happy.
Chuuya stops rambling as Dazai practically chokes on a potato chip.
“Oi, idiot, easy, easy” Chuuya pats him on the back as Dazai swallows, “Stop trying to die on me” he says as a joke, but there's a hint of worry in his voice.
Dazai clears his throat: “Chuuya shouldn't worry about that anymore,” he replies, lightly, his fingers moving between the packages he hasn't tasted yet.
"We already talked about this, I told you that I will not stop-"
Dazai shakes his head, interrupting the redhead: “I mean about me dying, you shouldn't worry about that anymore. That's why you came looking for me when the Agency asked you to, right? You thought I was going to- Oh, waffles, I always wanted to know why Atsushi liked them so much."
Damn the attention span of this Dazai with emotions on the surface.
"Can you blame me?" Chuuya complains, “Your favorite fucking book is literally the manual of fucking suicide, shitty Dazai. Also, before I left the Agency, you were trying to throw yourself out of a window, what was I supposed to think? Eh?"
Dazai stops his hands before opening the waffle package and looks at Chuuya with his brown eyes that make the redhead feel as if Dazai has stripped his soul. That hasn't changed, whether the brown has emotions or not.
And then Dazai smiles at him, it's a small, almost shaky smile, but no less genuine than the other happier ones he's given.
"I wasn't going to do that," he mutters under his breath, his voice suddenly unsteady, as if he's confessing some unthinkable secret.
"That?" Chuuya looks at him puzzled, not understanding what he means.
"I wasn't going to throw myself out that window. I wasn't going to throw myself into any river either. I wasn't...trying to kill myself, I just...wanted to feel the world. I never...I didn't know I could feel so many things" Dazai he rambles, fiddling with an empty bag of chips in his hands, "I think... I think I don't want to die" he admits in a very low voice, but the redhead hears him perfectly.
"Oh." Chuuya says, looking at Dazai with his big blue eyes wide with shock.
Yeah. Oh.
Chuuya feels, not for the first time, a fierce instinct to protect Dazai. But, now for the first time, he decides that it is useless to fight against that instinct, so Chuuya resigns himself, opens his metaphorical arms to him and simply lets him into his heart.
Oh.
Notes:
Important: Chuuya also sent a text message to Akutagawa to let him know that he found Dazai, he is not a soulless.
In the next few chapters, Dazai and Chuuya will have a couple of fun days where Chuuya will help Dazai to experience many things. And then everything will go to shit.
But first, you have any suggestions for activities (happy or sad) Dazai and Chuuya should do for Dazai to experiment with his emotions? (I read somewhere that you wanted they to watch a sad movie, and I will definitely add it)
Finally, what did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. I post a new chapter every saturday so see you next saturday <3
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
Chapter 8: “8”
Summary:
Dazai and Chuuya do many things, from sad movies and bubble baths to flashbacks and roller coasters. And they have a couple of revelations that surprise them, but aren't as unexpected as they should be.
Meanwhile, Yosano goes to pay a visit to the hospital and makes a disturbing discovery about the first victim of the ability-stealing machine.
Notes:
Useless fact of the update: While I was writing the amusement park scenes, I was listening to the song Kids Again by Artist Vs Poet.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The only reason the ADA didn't go crazy after Chuuya Nakahara's non-specific call, was because Ranpo called them right after to tell them that Dazai was quite safe with "Mr. Fancy Hat".
Kunikida is still not sold on this arrangement, but Ranpo and Dr. Yosano are, so he has decided that the logical choice is to accept it, even if he would have liked to ask Nakahara for more specific clarification of when he will return Dazai to them. Because, maybe the mafia executive doesn't know it, but the word Eventually is really abstract.
The Agency works well, but it's not the same without Dazai. It's a simple principle: For a machine to fulfill its purpose, it must have all the parts.
At least Kunikida already has a clue about the organization of the ability-stealing machine: It's a small foreign group, apparently. They don't have much information yet, but it seems to be a group much more focused on weapon creation than direct attack. The blonde still doesn't know if this organization has any ability users, but he will find out. This is a start.
"I'm going out," Dr. Yosano says, standing up, and Kunikida, after what could have been hours, finally lifts his head from the files, "They require a little visit from me at the hospital."
Kunikida cocks his head and asks, very formally, "May I know what for, Yosano-sensei?"
Yosano shrugged. "They didn't say much, except that this related to the victims who lost their abilities. It could be a clue."
"Do you need any of us to accompany you?"
"I can go" Atsushi and Kyoka offer in unison, clearly desperate to help.
But Dr. Yosano is already halfway to the door and simply waves her hand in refusal.
"They just need a second opinion. Medical things" Yosano replies, brushing it off. "I'll keep in touch," she adds, leaving the offices.
Kunikida nods to himself and resolves to continue working, pretending that it doesn't feel weird not having someone by his side pointing out the advantages of wearing round vs. square lenses or pulling his hair.
What Dr. Yosano doesn't say is that she doesn't really think the call from the hospital was a minor thing. No, not a bit.
She has a bad feeling.
Naturally, after Dazai, the suicidal, self-destructive, and maniacal Dazai, confesses that he doesn't want to die, Chuuya doesn't say a word other than Oh, and then he takes the brunette back to his apartment, and no one can blame him if his hand squeezes the Dazai's arm forcefully.
Dazai willingly follows him, lightly, as if he doesn't understand the effect his own words have just had on the redhead.
Chuuya is... is proud of Dazai. It's a conflicted feeling, the certainty feels almost unreal. They agree for the first time, unlike when they were still fellow Mafia members and Dazai wanted to die and Chuuya didn't want him to die.
Now, Dazai doesn't want to die. And Chuuya still doesn't want him to die.
It's a good thought.
"What are we going to do now?" Dazai asks, curious but cheerful, as if he's content just to be able to walk alongside his partner. Chuuya would be surprised by the fact that Dazai is asking him what to do next for the first time since they met if he wasn't even more surprised by the fact that Dazai still has energy to do more things.
The redhead raises both eyebrows, "I thought you'd want to sleep when you got to my apartment, Shitty Dazai. Aren't you tired?"
"I'm not," Dazai states, and then yawns, "Am I?" he asks uncertainly, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk now lit by streetlights, to list what he remembers as The Symptoms of Sleepiness, by Ranpo.
"Don't underestimate emotions, mackerel, they can be very exhausting" Chuuya pats him on the back, amused.
Dazai yawns again, "I think so." he nods, "it's inconvenient"
Chuuya snorts a laugh, "Of course you would think that tiredness is inconvenient."
Dazai hums, looking up at the stars in the night sky, suddenly serious. It seems that Dazai still jumps from one new emotion to another very easily, something he doesn't seem to have control over.
"It's strange" the brunette murmurs, reaching out to draw a constellation with his fingers. Chuuya recognizes the gesture, Dazai used to do it a lot when they were wandering the streets after night missions.
"What? Being tired?" the redhead clicks his tongue, while Dazai draws Orion in the stars.
"Human being" Dazai clarifies. The stars are reflected in his eyes.
Chuuya stares at him almost hypnotized. This is why he almost bumped into a dog while walking.
"Shit," he mutters, stumbling. If he had bumped into a person, Chuuya would have threatened to break his arm, but since it was a dog, the redhead just says, "Sorry buddy."
Chuuya adjusts his hat in his head. How humiliating. How is it that a Port Mafia executive finds himself turned into nothing more than a moldable mass in the hands of Dazai Osamu?
And speaking of Dazai, that's when he hears it: At first it's just a small, almost shy sound, and then it gets louder, turning into full-blown laughter. Chuuya turns around and, sure enough, he sees that Dazai is laughing at him.
Dazai is laughing. Out loud.
Chuuya's scowl melted like foam, replaced by an expression of genuine surprise. He is too stunned to be offended.
It's the first time Chuuya has heard Dazai laugh like that, and it's quite a unique sight: Dazai's eyes are closed and he leans forward, his laugh a jarring yet melodic sound at the same time.
He's... cute, laughter suits him.
Chuuya shakes his head and forces himself back to reality.
"What are you laughing at, you fucking mackerel?" he snaps, but it's just to keep up appearances and retain some of his pride.
Dazai shakes his head, trying to breathe instead of laughing.
"It's just... Chuuya is... it's so funny... ay, how does this... stop?... I can't... I can't stop... ay ay" Dazai tries to talk between laughing, holding his stomach.
Fucking idiot. Chuuya should be upset with him, but instead, he's grinning widely before he knows it.
Among the list of things Dazai didn't understand about humans, were The Movies.
The movies were instructive, definitely. That is, Dazai learned a lot about human attitudes and reactions from some fragments of them. However, he didn't understand what qualified them as enjoyable or recreational activities. Odasaku once told him that there was power in fictional stories, both written in the form of books and in the form of movie scripts, and Dazai believed him of course. He just couldn't feel what the rest of the world felt about the movies, so he didn't watch them unless they were helpful to him in understanding other, very specific concepts.
So it's a bit strange for Dazai to be sitting on Chuuya's couch, wrapped in a fluffy blanket (cold is an especially unpleasant feeling, he's just found out), while Chuuya puts on the TV what he claims is " One of the greatest movies in movie history" and "You can't possibly go on living without seeing this, you stupid mackerel."
Of course, what's weird is the idea of the movie, not being in Chuuya's apartment, sitting on Chuuya's couch, wrapped in Chuuya's blanket, wearing over his bandages a pajama that Chuuya got for him (turns out the plush blankets are now Dazai's favorite blankets. They are so soft and feel so good!), ready to share a small space with Chuuya as their legs brush against each other and his heart goes crazy and his emotions go even crazier. No, the only strange thing is the movie.
Now that Dazai has relatively identified the emotions (even if he doesn't know what some of them mean) that Chuuya produces in him and they don't drive him crazy to an uncontrollable level anymore (it doesn't mean they don't drive him crazy at all), it's very easy to go back to the old habits they had when they were still partners in the Port Mafia. Dazai spent a lot of time in Chuuya's apartment in those years, both of them sitting on the couch doing their own activities and usually not speaking to each other except to fight each other for space on the couch and yell creative insults at each other. Thinking of those moments now, Dazai feels them warm, his treasures, and longs for them.
The brunette would like to understand what it means, but he won't ask Chuuya, because more than anything he's terrified that Chuuya doesn't feel anything that he feels.
"Move over and give me some space on the couch you hoarding little shit" Chuuya snaps, snapping him out of his thoughts.
"Me? Little? Isn't Chuuya mistaken for a person?" Dazai asks, smiling in the most innocent way he can fake. He don't know it yet, but the strategy of hiding his emotions with humor will become one of his best friends.
Chuuya looks at him with narrowed eyes.
"Keep up that joke and I'll push you off the couch," he warns him, sitting up abruptly.
"Joke? But I didn't say anything" Dazai smiles, blinking, and then their legs touch and he loses his breath and his smile fades. As he's learned throughout the day, the touch is definitely not what he remembered: a comforting murmur far away. No, it's fire and electric shock and Dazai wants more. He's hungry for it. And terrified too.
"You'd better" Chuuya replies, oblivious to Dazai's emotional conflicts, "Shut up now, it's going to start"
"What are we seeing again?" Dazai asks, swallowing hard and wondering if he could intertwine his legs with Chuuya's without being kicked off the couch by the redhead.
"Hachikō Monogatari" Chuuya replies, casually leaning his shoulder against Dazai's.
In the past, Chuuya was always tactile, so this is a normal thing for him. However, Dazai is shaken to the balls of his feet.
"I'm sorry" Chuuya apologizes, pulling away, "You'd rather I didn't touch you, correct." he affirms, nodding to himself.
"No, I-" Dazai shakes his head desperately and grabs Chuuya's arm. Fortunately, his brain is quick to come up with an excuse, "It's cold, Chuuya is warm, ne?"
Chuuya snorts, but the smile he tries to hide doesn't go unnoticed for Dazai. "Fine. But don't get used to it, Shitty Dazai" he warns her, but, as always, these are empty threats.
Dazai nods with what is probably too much energy and then comes the next challenge: Lean against Chuuya. He approaches very slowly, cautious, almost fearful, but he makes it. The warmth explodes in his chest with just their shoulders touching, it's so nice, enough that Dazai's fears are relegated to the background compared to the obvious benefits.
On the TV, the 1987 movie begins to play.
A tear slides down Chuuya's cheek. Movies with dogs always manage to make him cry, this one especially. To see the dog sitting by the tracks, waiting for someone who will never come...
Chuuya is not soft. This scene would just break anyone, okay?
Beside him, Dazai trembles slightly. Chuuya can feel it through their joined sides. On TV, the movie has ended. Chuuya discreetly wipes the tears from his face and turns around, ready to ask Dazai if he's cold. It's then that the redhead discovers that the chestnut is not shivering with cold; he is sobbing, tries to wipe the tears from his face.
"Oi, mackerel?..." Chuuya speaks, mortified and stiff in his place on the couch.
Dazai tries to speak, but sobs. He tries again: "I don't know...I don't know why...I don't even like dogs," Dazai sobs, "But it was...he...It's just that I..." he snorts, half frustrated and heartbroken.
Chuuya would like to know what Dazai is thinking. Maybe it wasn't the best of his ideas to put on such a sad movie, considering how volatile Dazai's emotions are right now. However, another part of Chuuya is deeply moved by this scene: Dazai is capable of moved. Dazai has a heart, just like Chuuya always thought. It's a confirmation.
"Oi, don't cry, mackerel" Chuuya clears her throat. He is an executive of the Port Mafia, he has defeated many enemies, but he is reduced to nothing by the brunette's tears.
"He waited forever...for his friend..." Dazai continues to sob and wipe his tears with his palms.
Chuuya feels an almost irresistible urge to touch him: hug him, ruffle his hair, wipe the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs.
He feels a bit unhinged by his thoughts, which always get so easily out of control when he's with Dazai. The redhead asks if his touch would be rejected or welcomed, and at the end, a voice in his head much like Kouyou reminds him that he won't know the answer unless he finds out for himself.
So Chuuya reaches out to Dazai, fingers dangerously close to his brown hair.
And then Dazai, totally oblivious to Chuuya's attempt to comfort him, abruptly stands up.
"Why can't I get my brain to understand that that story was fictional?!" the brown one blurts out, anguished.
Chuuya very wisely chooses not to mention that the movie is actually based on true events. Instead, he just sighs, a little disappointed at the touch that's still trapped in his outstretched fingertips, at the comfort he couldn't offer. He hates feeling like this.
"Welcome to the world of cinema, mackerel" he tells him, getting up from the couch to find a box of tissues and throw it in Dazai's face.
Throwing things in people's faces is kindness, okay?
Dazai noisily wipes his nose.
"I don't like that world. Thank you very much" he whines like a child.
Actually, what Dazai doesn't like is not having control over himself, and when he starts crying in the middle of a movie and can't stop, the control over himself evidently leaves him to go for a walk in faraway places. Dazai hates it. However, it seems to be something very common in humans: loss of control. Maybe the brunette should apologize to Chuuya for making fun of him every time he exploded with anger: it's clear that controlling reactions to emotions is much more difficult than he thought.
Chuuya, who can't read Dazai's mind or guess all of the above, can only suggest:
"Why don't you take a bath?"
"How would take a shower help me?" Dazai sobs. It seems that he is finally managing to stop crying.
"I'm not talking about a shower, idiot, I'm talking about a bath, with bath bombs and all the shit. Obviously you need it."
"Because...?" Dazai asks. In other circumstances, Chuuya would think that the brunette is just insisting on asking questions to annoy him, but now, the confusion is evident both in his voice and in his expression. He is genuinely interested in hearing an answer to his question.
"It'll make you feel good" Chuuya replies, a bit uncomfortable, not quite sure how to explain to Dazai things that come naturally to him.
Dazai is now definitely curious. It's good progress.
"Does it make the Chibi feel good too?"
Chuuya doesn't know why, but the way Dazai pronounces that question makes his cheeks redden.
He clears his throat to reply, "After a hard day's work, that's right."
Dazai nods seriously, as if receiving valuable information, and says, "I understand," even though his eyes are still bright with tears and him wearing fluffy pajamas takes a bit of seriousness from his expression.
"Okay then, let's run a bath for you, stinky mackerel. Of course, I'm only doing it because I don't want you stinking up my apartment with your horrible bum smell" Chuuya affirms, not looking at Dazai and therefore not seeing the stocking smile that is drawn on the brunette's lips.
"Wait" Dazai asks, as if he had remembered something important, "Satisfy my scientific curiosity, ne? Why is this movie one of Chuuya's favorites?"
The question catches the redhead off guard, and it takes him a while to answer, but when he does, it's easy, not an answer he has to think about very much: "Loyalty. The man and the dog were partners, so the The dog waited for him forever. He was loyal to his partner until death" Chuuya explains, feeling a bit exposed. It's not too difficult an analogy to compare to a specific relationship in his real life.
"Chuuya..."
"The talk is over" Chuuya cuts him off, because he doesn't want (because he's afraid of) hearing what Dazai is going to say, "Let's prepare that bath for you to force you into"
"Why do you make it sound like a torture method?"
Chuuya smiles at him, showing his teeth aggressively: "I have more fun that way"
Dazai looks suspiciously at the tub full of water, sitting on the toilet as he watches Chuuya take off his gloves to test the temperature of the water and then blow bubbles into the tub. His eyes hurt from crying, and he's sure he won't be able to hear the word Hachiko for a long time.
But most of all, Dazai can't stop thinking about Chuuya's answer to his question: "He was loyal to his partner until death"
Chuuya was just talking about the movie? Or was there something else there that Dazai was supposed to notice?
Emotions swirled in his chest and tugged. Dazai wanted to yell at them: Not all together! One at a time!
Instead, he watch Chuuya drop a blue bath bomb into the tub that gave off a very sweet smell. Pleasant. It eased Dazai's distrust a bit.
"Done. The bathtub is all yours, Shitty Dazai" Chuuya stated suddenly, sounding very proud of himself. He tickled Dazai's chest. Honestly, it seemed like everything Chuuya did tickled Dazai's chest, what does that mean?, "Get inside before it gets cold. I'll be outside. And don't drown, got it?!"
Chuuya came out. He left the door ajar. Another old habit from when they were partners in the Port Mafia. Dazai didn't ask him to close it, because, just like then, keeping it that way makes him feel safe.
The brown-haired man takes off his pajamas and the bandages, carefully unrolling the latter. His skin, riddled with cuts, bruises, and scars, some older than others, stares back at him. He quickly averts his eyes from his skin, feeling nausea turn his stomach.
He had never had a problem with his scars, nor with the memories attached to them, but there was still a reason he was bandaging them: Even though Dazai only had echoes instead of emotions, a part of him didn't want to see how many scars he had of Mori would carry in his body forever.
The emotions: Pain, anger, resentment, disgust, squeeze his chest until it is almost unbearable, until he can hardly breathe.
Not all the marks on his skin were Mori's, there were too many scars for them all to be his. But many were. Mori cut him open and played with him, because Dazai was his to play with and he had full control over Dazai and he- and he...
Dazai steps into the bathtub, messy and out of breath. The water splashes outside, on the floor, but he doesn't care.
Chuuya said that a bath would make him feel good, and he desperately clings to it. A bath may not erase his scars, nor his own marks that he made to try to erase the others. However, if Mori is all negative emotions and pain in Dazai's chest, the bath should wash it off for now, it should make Dazai feel good, it should-
Dazai breathes in, deep and slow. The smell of lavender fills his nostrils, and the warm water is like a caress on his skin. The bubbles tickle him. The steam from the bathroom wraps his brain in a haze of warmth and rips him from Mori's grasp. Good.
Dazai sighs, sinks and leaving himself out of the water only from his nose up.
Chuya was right. The bathrooms are absolutely wonderful.
Dazai falls asleep very quickly after his bath, practically falling like a log on Chuuya's bed, obviously exhausted. Chuuya allows it.
The redhead can't remember a single time when he had seen Dazai sleep like this: in a bed, between deep sighs, without fitful sleep or insomnia or due to fainting from exhaustion or starvation.
It's a good image. It's been a good day. Fucking crazy, but surprisingly good.
Chuuya lays down next to Dazai, keeping a careful distance (easy to do in his king bed).
Dazai, though asleep, seems to automatically search for the nearest heat source, because he instantly becomes attached to Chuuya.
"Fuck mackerel, you're freezing" Chuuya complains in a whisper. Of course, he gets no response. Dazai is fast asleep, now clinging to his arm.
The redhead sighs in resignation and, certain that Dazai won't know, he strokes his fingers through his brown hair, very slowly, almost cautiously. Because this is dangerous, but he's a mafia executive, right? Dangerous is his fucking middle name.
Chuuya falls asleep with a hand in his brown hair and a smile on his lips: Dazai's hair is as soft as he remembered it.
Dazai wakes up and there is a black coat next to him. His heart is racing horribly. Panic.
A black coat.
For you, Dazai-kun.
His emotions flare up like cruel, sharp beasts and he instinctively thinks: Mori. Dazai jumps out of bed, stumbling backwards in a panic, until he curls up in the far corner of the room. He is not able to run further than that. He's trembling. He is useless.
He has fear. It's a visceral emotion that he have already learned to recognize. After all, it's usually the first emotion he feels whenever he wakes up since No Longer Human left.
He is afraid of Mori. He is terrified and cannot think. Mori will cut him open, control him, and Dazai will allow it- Why? Why?
He squeezes his eyes, thinking of a plan. Why doesn't his body respond to him? Why he can't run away?
"Oi! Dazai!" a voice screams. Footsteps are rapidly approaching him.
Mori's hands aren't there, but they choke him.
Dazai moves his hands, searching for something to defend himself with. Anything. He grabs a hat and-
Oh.
It's Chuuya's hat. The black coat was from Chuuya. It's Chuuya's house. It's not Mori. It's not Mori. I'ts okay.
Dazai opens his eyes, catching his breath. Chuuya is in front of him, his big blue eyes looking terribly worried. And terribly beautiful.
Chuuya's hat slips from Dazai's hands and falls back to the ground.
"Are you with me, mackerel?" the redhead asks, his voice tinged with concern.
Dazai slowly nods in response. He's not sure if he should trust his own voice right now. Instead, he concentrates on regulating his breathing.
At the very least, Chuuya's presence and the emotions Chuuya generates in his dampen the panic a bit and drown out Mori's memories. For now. But Dazai knows that Mori is far from the only skeleton in his closet.
"You're fine, Dazai. You're safe, I promise" Chuuya says, rubbing Dazai's arm in an up and down motion. No gloves.
And Dazai... believes him.
If there's anyone who can keep him safe, it's Chuuya. He would trust his life to Chuuya without blinking, he always has.
"'kay" Dazai nods, inhaling deeply, "Okay" he repeats, exhaling, "Sorry"
Chuuya makes a face and shakes his head.
"What the hell happened to you?" he asks. However, his tone of voice is much softer than his words, almost sweet.
Dazai can't tell him. It's awful. It's embarrassing that he loses control over such small things, that he spirals down over things that should be in the past. And the fear... the paralyzing fear... The sensation of being in another place, in another time, in other hands... What was that? Is the way his own brain just fooled him normal? Or is it just another of the things that makes him irreparable?
How can hr explain to Chuuya what just happened to him when he doesn't even know what it was?
In the end, the only explanation he is able to think of is: "I…I had a nightmare. That's all. I didn't mean to wake you up. I just- I couldn't control myself." Dazai lowers his head, still embarrassed and also sounding very frustrated.
Chuuya grabs Dazai's face and forces him to look at him.
"Listen to me you fucking mackerel, no one is expecting you to be in control of everything all the time"
Chuuya's hands burn on his cheeks, but Dazai doesn't want him to ever take them off.
"But I should..." the brunette tries, but Chuuya stops him before he continues.
"Should and shit, mackerel. Most of us haven't controlled our emotions in years. You've been having your emotions for like five minutes, give yourself a fucking break."
Dazai would really like to believe Chuuya, but a part of him still constantly whispers in Chuuya's ear that he doesn't deserve the same consideration as the other humans in this world.
You are human too.
But is he really? After everything he's done in the past? After what they did to him? After finding out how he feels about all of the above?
Chuuya, as if he could see the mental debate in Dazai's eyes, sighed heavily, "You don't have to say anything you stupid mackerel, but if you want to talk about whatever made you jump out of bed like it was on fire, I'll I'll listen" the redhead affirms, finally removing his hands from Dazai's cheeks. The brunette feels the absence of his warm too quickly.
Dazai's chest unravels in knots of longing, but he suppresses it like a champ.
"Why would you?"
Chuuya stands up and turns his back on Dazai to reply, "It's what partners do, right?"
When Dazai loses his breath this time, it's because he's overwhelmed by all the wonderfully sweet emotions that pull his own heart towards Chuuya.
Chuuya just called him Partner again.
"Don't you dare make such a big deal out of it, okay?" (It's too late for that), "I'll go make breakfast" Chuuya quickly changes the subject, running away.
The prospect of food automatically cheers Dazai up enough for him to stand up: Hunger has just established its supremacy over all other emotions.
Chuuya is sure that what Dazai experienced this morning was a flashback. He knows enough about it to recognize one, not just because he's had his own before (especially after the Verlaine incident and The Flags thing), but because he's seen them on other mobsters, especially after the ability of Q went out of control at the time of the fight against The Guild.
And this morning... The way Dazai's eyes looked at Chuuya without seeing him as he tried to take refuge from something that wasn't there and seemed to be choking on his own rapid breathing... That was absolutely a flashback.
Chuuya is not an idiot, he knows that Dazai doesn't use his bandages for fun, he also knows that many bad things happened to the bandaged man, even if he doesn't know exactly what. There are obviously a lot of painful emotions waiting to come out of Dazai. The redhead is worried about him, a lot.
He wish Dazai would talk to him and tell him... more. Chuuya would protect him, will protect him. Hasn't he always done it?
But Chuuya is not going to give up. He will have the patience as he only manages to do with Dazai. It will stay and be there to pick it up when needed, just like when Dazai picked him up off the ground and wiped the blood off his face whenever Chuuya needed it after using the Corruption.
The redhead sighs, dropping the knife against the wooden board, cutting the vegetables for the ramen he's making for lunch, taking out his frustrations on the vegetables and meat.
Yeah, he's cooking for Dazai, any fucking problem with that? Dazai just seemed down after breakfast and food seems to make him happy. Chuuya just wants to help where he can, okay?
Dazai, as if summoned, chooses that precise moment to intrude into Chuuya's kitchen curiously.
"Smells good," he says, seeming genuinely in awe of the fact that he can smell things. It's both touching and triate.
"Of course I do," Chuuya states, strutting proudly, "It's ramen. My recipe," he replies later, picking up the board and dropping the vegetables into the pot.
Suddenly, Chuuya hears a kind of screeching behind him and turns around very quickly, alarmed. He stopped looking at Dazai for like five fucking seconds, what the hell-?
Dazai has a piece of lemon in his mouth and is making a lot of funny faces that make Chuuya want to have a camera right now. The redhead sighs in relief and snorts an amused laugh.
"What are you supposed to do, mackerel?"
Dazai opens one eye to look at Chuuya, his nose adorably wrinkled.
"Taste? This doesn't taste good, why is it in your kitchen?" Dazai grumbles, "It's... It's like..." he tries to explain the taste of lemon, but evidently can't find the words to do it.
"Sour" Chuuya completes for him, "That you felt is the sour taste. It tastes good with other things, if you're not stupid enough to bite it directly"
Dazai sticks his tongue out at Chuuya, looking indignant.
"Chuuya is the stupid one for having things that taste like this in his kitchen" Dazai grumbles.
Chuuya throws Dazai out of his kitchen threatening him with a wooden spoon, but smiling.
Maybe Dazai will be fine after all.
Dazai can't stop eating. Really. He had never tasted something so delicious. He's had a taste bud for like two days, though, so that's probably not saying much.
Chuuya seems very busy feeling pleased and proud of himself at Dazai's reaction to his food (the brunette gushed over the food after taking the first spoonful and then continuing to eat non-stop). Chuuya shouldn't be neglected his own food, or Dazai will steal his plate too.
"I'll be back in a minute" Chuuya says suddenly.
Dazai nods with a mouth full of rice noodles.
True to his word, Chuuya returns in a minute, with a bottle of wine in one hand that he keeps clutched to his chest as if it were a treasure, and in the other hand two goblets.
"Now, mackerel, just for this one time, I'm going to share one of my best wines with you, since you can finally appreciate it properly," Chuuya informs, treating the wine and pouring it into the glasses practically reverently.
Dazai swallows the food in his mouth, and at the prospect of trying something new, he agrees.
"This is a Cabernet Sauvignon," Chuuya informs proudly, and proceeds to explain to Dazai how to taste a wine, because clearly he can't just take the glass and pour it down like he do with sake.
Honestly, Dazai used to prefer the cheapest sake on the market because he couldn't taste the taste, but he could feel the burning in his throat, and that was all he cared about in alcohol.
Now, he raises the glass, imitating Chuuya, and finally brings it to his lips, savoring.
The redhead looks at him expectantly: "So...?"
Dazai makes a face: "Umh, is it... alright?" he says, sounding uncertain, "I mean, it's not a big deal but if Chibi says so…"
"Hah?!" Chuuya is deeply indignant, "You're a-! You still don't have a damn good sense of taste, give me back my fucking excelent wine, you bastard!" And he stretches to take Dazai's cup away.
Dazai, who was laughing, is surprised by the sudden movement and the glass of wine slips from his hands. Then something interesting happens: Chuuya uses his ability to stop the glass from falling. At the same time, Dazai, with the perfect reflexes he acquired as the Demon Prodigy, catches the glass before it spills. And the red of Chuuya's ability doesn't fade with his touch. Of course it does not do it! No Longer Human is no longer around to nullified it. They just...hadn't thought of it until now.
Chuuya drops the glass of wine. Dazai puts it back on the table, letting out a nervous giggle.
"Chibi did you know that For the tainted sorrow tickles?" Inquires the brunette, trying to play it down so that Chuuya doesn't have crazy ideas that include both Chuuya's ability and a Dazai.
Of course, Chuuya is already having a lot of crazy ideas right now. I mean, think of all those possibilities.
"You know, I like this turn of events" the redhead now smirks, showing all his teeth.
Dazai stands up, feeling a mixture of nervousness and something akin to amusement, but more mischievous, like they're playing a nice, shiny game.
"Chibi didn't say we were going out?" Dazai asks, pretending to divert Chuuya's attention, "The afternoon is young, there is no time for Chuuya's experiments."
Chuuya's smile widens even more, if that's even possible.
"Chill out, mackerel, my experiment, as you call it, is directly related to the transport we will use to get to the place we will go today"
What do you call that tone of voice and that feeling of being at stake that is a mixture of mischief and warmth with another person? Dazai can't ask Chuuya since he's playing it with him, but he likes it.
Be that as it may, Dazai can easily guess Chuuya's idea for his transport. He wonders if he should be scared. He touches his chest, as if wondering if he is, but there is no fear there. Chuuya could never really scare him.
Dazai's hands cling tightly to Chuuya's waist. The redhead can feel the other's racing heartbeat against his back. And if Chuuya's cheeks are red from the touch, he can blame his ability for it, since right now he is using his ability to completely wrap them up, so that he can make his motorcycle go on the walls and ceilings, avoiding the traffic and giving Dazai a real ride.
It's not to please Dazai, okay? It's just to show he off how cool he is for once.
In the past, Chuuya rides Dazai very rarely on his motorcycle, definitely only when strictly necessary for a mission. There were two reasons for this: First, Dazai openly refused to get on with Chuuya stating that "I wouldn't give away my death to a brainless slug". Second, it was limiting for Chuuya to have Dazai on his motorcycle, as he used to instinctively activate his ability for many maneuvers, and, like Dazai, he didn't want to end up involved in a horrible double suicide with the bandages bastard.
"You can let go!" He tells Dazai over the noise of the wind, "My ability will hold you down!"
Slowly, he feels Dazai loosen his waist, but he keeps one hand still clinging to Chuuya's shirt with his fingers. It's adorable.
Chuuya takes advantage of the moment to climb them up a wall with the motorcycle. Around the same time, he hears Dazai yell with excitement.
For his part, Dazai is feeling a burst of new emotion in his chest: His heart is racing, bursting with euphoria, his heartbeat is fast and strong, and he feels a rush of energy that makes him feel alert and energetic, as if he could to be able to eat the whole world, while his whole body tingles as if little electric shocks were being given to him.
This is... Is this what qualifies as an adrenaline rush? Because it's absolutely amazing and Dazai can't get enough of it.
"Chuuuuyaa! This is amazing!" He yells, "Whoo!"
Chuuya smiles, doing a pirouette on the motorcycle and suppressing the urge to ask Dazai to Please put your hands on my waist again, and let me feel again that you feel protected with me.
Let me feel again that you trust me.
The Yokohama amusement park had never particularly caught Dazai's attention before, but that was before. After all, it was his idea to come here (Mainly, because he remembered the excited stories of Kyoka and Atsushi when they came for a ride in this very amusement park and decided that it was one of the life experiences that he wanted to experience for himself now that he could live). The place is all bright and colourful, full of games, large structures, food stalls and people who seem to be really enjoying being there.
"Oh! Look, Chibi! There's a lot of food!" Dazai points, feeling the excitement and promise of joy nestle in his chest, and prepares to run there.
"Wait! Fucking God, I'm going to have to put a damn leash on you, mackerel," Chuuya grumbles, grabbing Dazai by the collar of his coat so he doesn't slip out of his grasp so he doesn't lose the sight of him, "Also, I recommend leaving the food for the end"
Dazai looks at him curiously, not only because of what he said, but also because he's holding him with his hand, his fingers brushing against his neck, when he could easily stop him with his ability. It's probably because he don't want to draw too much attention.
"Why?" The brunette asks. Really, he believes that he had never asked so much Why? in all his life as in these last days. Normally, he was usually the one answering the questions, not the one asking them. What a turn of events.
"Because it won't last long in your stomach anyway, Shitty Dazai. Look" Chuuya points to a game where there are a bunch of cups the size of people spinning and spinning on their axis, "That one, for example, is going to make your stomach spin like you put it in a fucking washing machine"
Dazai blinks, stunned. Those really are... human-sized cups?
"Let's go there" he asks seriously, causing Chuuya to look at him funny.
"What are you, five years old?" The redhead mocks.
Dazai shows him his tongue and smiles, treacherous. Emotion flutters in his chest like butterflies.
"Chuuya is afraid of not reaching the height limit?"
Chuuya's brow furrows deeply and he proceeds to grab Dazai's arm tightly.
"Let's go to the fucking spinning cups. Now." he demands.
Dazai nods happily (how delicious joy is).
"As Chuuya saaays"
They line up which isn't very long, and in a few minutes Dazai finally manages to sit on one of those cups. Chuuya sits in another one nearby and soon the game starts. The spins and the music make Dazai want to laugh, and he thinks that he would really like to get stuck in joy forever and get rid of all other emotions (Except adrenaline. He likes adrenaline. And also the nameless warm emotion he feels when he is with Chuuya. That one can stay too).
Of course, fun isn't fun without being able to annoy his Chibi, as he's been able to learn recently, so he starts waving at Chuuya like a child and says:
"Look Chibi! My cup spins faster than yours!" of course, with that he gets the redhead's attention instantly.
But Chuuya doesn't get angry, instead he smiles mischievously.
Oh no.
Before he knows it, Dazai's cup starts spinning really fast until it's off its axis, guided by Chuuya's ability and engulfed in Chuuya's red glow. Going off its axis at full speed, Dazai's cup starts hitting all the cups as Dazai yells like a madman and Chuuya smirks (now, this is fun, he thinks to himself).
"Now you can say that your cup spins faster than mine!" Chuuya states proudly and mischievously, even though Dazai is too busy spinning for his life to hear him.
Meanwhile, the other people watch the scene in amazement and bewilderment, but definitely determined to completely ignore this scene as just another of the many strange things that happen every day in Yokohama.
"Slug is the worst" Dazai grumbles, staggering to the side, still dizzy from the special ride Chuuya gave him on the spinning cups.
Chuuya catches Dazai around the waist before he falls and allows him to lean on him, smiling in amusement.
"You asked for it, mackerel"
"Mmhm" Dazai looks at him resentfully, although he's not really angry. Now he understands why Chuuya warned him that it was not a good idea to eat before going on the rides: they are wild.
After Dazai stops seeing double, Chuuya is forced to let him go (a bit begrudgingly, though he won't admit it), and they both look for a more relaxed activity. Dazai decides on the carousel, a tremendous frame of colorfully painted horses. Chuuya doesn't go up with him this time (he's a fucking mafia executive, damn, he has limits), but stays down there watching him and speeding up the game a bit with his ability (just a bit to make it more fun, no to make him dizzy, Chuuya feels enough compassion for the rest of the people on the carousel with Dazai to not drive the game crazy with his ability). After that, they both go to see a magic show from which they are expelled almost instantly because Dazai starts making fun of the magician by revealing how he does each of his tricks.
Finally, they decide to go next to the roller coaster, which is definitely Chuuya's favorite attraction in this entire park. As they stand in line and Dazai is distracted by the costumed stilt people walking past them, Chuuya checks his messages: He has quite a few unread messages from Kouyou, and he prefers to leave them at that, Chuuya definitely doesn't know how to lie to his Ane-san, and neither does he wants to explain that he plans to spend as many days with Dazai as possible before the boss explicitly requires his presence, especially since he himself hasn't yet been able to accept the real reason he's doing this. There are also some messages from the squad in charge, something about the progress they've made in hunting down the organization that created the machine that stole the skills, but nothing too momentous that requires his presence there, so the redhead can continue pretending that he doesn't have a job to go back to.
"Chibi! Now it's our turn!" Dazai exclaims. Chuuya still can't get used to Dazai sounding so genuinely excited, but he likes it.
"Yes yes, there I go, idiot"
The roller coaster seats are in pairs, so obviously you sit together.
Once they are seated and strapped in, the machine begins to climb very slowly towards the top, as a harbinger of what is about to happen. And then Dazai begins to feel more fear than excitement: This looks big, and dangerous, where did he read something about the statistics of amusement park accidents? One thing was Chuuya's motorcycle ride that was okay because well, it was just Chuuya and his ability and Dazai could trust that one hundred percent, but now…
On a rational level, Dazai knows his fear is illogical, this is just a mechanical game, but he can't help but feel it: fear and anticipation.
“Hey Chuuya…” Dazai mutters, looking down and around nervously. They are getting higher and higher. It's not that Dazai is afraid of heights, but he really really wouldn't want to fall from one right now.
"What?" Chuuya looks at him, looking excited and, of course, not at all scared.
"Here I am entrusting my life to a machine, and all of a sudden it doesn't sound so fun anymore." informs Dazai solemnly.
Chuuya gave a mocking laugh. "Oi Dazai, afraid of heights now?" he said with a playful smile.
Dazai gives him a narrowed look, somewhere between nervous and annoyed. "I'm not, forget it" he complains, clinging tightly to his belt.
Chuuya's playful smile transforms into an indulgent smile.
"Don't worry, Shitty Dazai, I'll be here to take care of you."
Dazai smiles slightly, grateful for Chuuya's comforting words, and sighs softly.
"I guess I can trust you," he finally answers, holding onto Chuuya's hand tightly. "If something goes wrong, don't let go of me, okay?" Dazai asks him once they are up, seconds away from starting the descent. It's a bit embarrassing to ask, but he can't help it. The firm grip of his hand on Chuuya's gives him security, while his heart beats so fast that it seems it is going to explode in his chest.
Chuuya squeezes Dazai's hand tightly in response. "I won't let you go, idiot," she assures him in a soft but determined tone. "We'll be in this together, no matter what, understood?" For some reason, he doesn't seem to be talking just about this moment, on this roller coaster, but about something much deeper.
Dazai nods sharply.
"Understood."
With a shudder of excitement and nervousness, the roller coaster began to move, accelerating rapidly. Dazai tightens his grip on Chuuya's hand as they descend, feeling the adrenaline rush through his body and making his heart explode. At least the euphoria and excitement take over the fear again, because Dazai is sure that Chuuya won't let go.
They both enjoy the exciting ride together. Chuuya obviously keeps his hat attached to his head with his ability, but the rest of him is enjoying the ride to the fullest. Chuuya yelling and prompting Dazai to yell back, which Dazai does without a problem, and instantly they're both yelling as they go through all sorts of twists and turns on the roller coaster, like they're a couple of teenagers all over again.
(Feels like they're fifteen again, like they can finally enjoy some bits of childhood they never got to have)
Dazai's newest discovery is now cotton candy. He must admit that he is strangely fascinated by this cloyingly sweet melt-in-your-mouth substance.
Chuuya bought one each: Blue for Dazai, pink for him, but in the end Dazai has tried both anyway. The little bastard has turned into quite the food-stealing rat, who knew that.
"It's so weird, it just melts in my mouth!" Dazai says, realizing again that as he tries to taste the cotton candy, it inevitably dissolves into a sugar mist in his mouth.
"I'm not an expert in cotton candy, mackerel, but I think that's exactly their purpose" Chuuya points out raising both eyebrows.
Dazai hums. Every bite of cotton candy seems to give him a little more energy. It's frightening. Chuuya should have bought him an onigiri or a takoyaki instead of a sugar bomb like this.
As Chuuya tries to stop Dazai from stealing pieces of his cotton candy by means of a slap fight, his eyes suddenly fall on one of those shoot-to-win games at one of the stalls they are passing by while they walk. Chuuya stops short and looks at Dazai with a raised eyebrow and a competitive glint in his eyes.
"What do you say, Shitty Dazai? Do you dare to face me in this game?" defies him.
Dazai stares back at him with a mischievous smile as he finishes off what's left of his cotton candy in one bite.
"I'm always willing to beat Chuuya." He affirms, feeling a tingle in his chest that is partly from the joy of the moment and partly from the sugar rush.
"Think you can beat me mackerel? Because I'm ready to show you who's the best." The redhead responds, snapping his fingers, ready as always for a challenge.
Dazai gave a playful laugh and accepted the challenge. "Oh Chuuya, prepare to be defeated."
They both headed to the game, unleashing their rampant competition, and scaring the stall owner to the core. They fired accurately and quickly, challenging each other with each attempt. Both of them had perfect aim, although at this moment Dazai preferred not to think about the reasons for it, he was determined to keep his head and his emotions away from metaphorically dark places for as long as possible.
Chuuya bit his lower lip as he stared at the target. "Don't underestimate my aim, Dazai. I'm going to win this prize effortlessly!"
Dazai just laughed, fascinated by the rush of exciting feelings he's having right now.
Finally, the two won one of the highest prizes each (obviously), two huge stuffed animals, one of a dog and one of a bear (Dazai refused to look at Chuuya's dog stuffed animal, he still couldn't think of that without thinking of Hachiko and no, he wasn't going there now).
"I'll have my rematch, mackerel, I'm warning you," Chuuya states, floating his stuffed animal behind him as they both walk away from the stall.
"I'll be ready when you are, slug" Dazai answers cheerfully, feeling particularly elated.
They are both reminiscing in this moment when they were fifteen and playing in the arcade. Chuuya always got very excited and frustrated, but back then Dazai couldn't feel any of that, and just lived through the game a bit through Chuuya. However, they were good times. Moments that are only theirs.
As they walk away from the game, the stall owner stares at them in disbelief, unsure if he should be impressed or terrified by these two crazy people who just walked away with the highest prizes of his stall.
Before they both know it, it's already night and the amusement park is illuminated by streetlights, colored lights from the rides, and stars.
It's late and they should be leaving soon, but there's one last thing Dazai wants them to do before they leave: ride the Ferris wheel. Not only because the chestnut is fascinated by the design of the hanging cabins, but also because he longs for what it will feel like to observe Yokohama from up there.
"I don't see what's so exciting about getting on a wheel that just goes around." Chuuya blurts out as Dazai points to the game, "But if you insist, I guess I can come with you" he says, feigning disinterest.
Dazai smiles excitedly.
"Chibi is the best"
"Try to remember that next time you make fun of my height you bastard" the redhead complains.
"I would never make fun of Chibi" Dazai states solemnly.
"I see you learned how to joke again" Chuuya blinks, "You are a danger to society"
"Thank you!"
They line up, and soon they are both going up to the booth, which begins to move slowly as they sit facing each other and the employee in charge closes the door.
Dazai, glued to the glass of the cabin and ignoring Chuuya's warnings of "Watch out, Shitty Dazai, or you're going to fall", exclaims with a joy that he feels in every inch of his body: "Look, Chuuya! The view from here Upstairs is simply stunning. It's like being in another world!"
"I guess it is, mackerel" the redhead shrugged.
But Chuuya isn't that interested in looking at the lights or the city or the sky full of stars, because he can't take his eyes off his partner. Dazai's eyes shine brighter than any light, and he's smiling like he's seeing the world for the first time. Chuuya could be lost in this image forever, and the realization, in this moment now, doesn't scare him as much as it should.
A comfortable silence settles between them as the Ferris wheel reaches its highest point and stops right up there for a few moments.
Dazai presses his palms against the glass: the entire Yokohama, full of lights, stares back at him. Honestly, his emotions are so crazy that he could cry with emotion right now. Fortunately, he doesn't. It would be very embarrassing. Instead, he just smiles until his cheeks ache.
This is the light you were talking about, isn't it, Odasaku?
His chest tightens and he pushes Odasaku out of his mind before he starts to cry for real. Instead, he clings to the peace, sweet as a caress, that surrounds him at this moment.
"Couldn't ask for a better view than this," Dazai mutters to himself. He no longer wants to die, but he believes that if he died now, he could at least feel that, at least once, he has truly lived.
Chuuya smiles softly upon hearing the brunette's whispered words.
"Me neither, Dazai. Me neither" he replies, but he's not looking at the view, no. Chuuya is looking at Dazai and how the lights reflect in his dark eyes. The redhead's cheeks are slightly red. He's talking about Dazai.
Finally, the Ferris wheel begins to descend, and Dazai sits back down. His eyes inevitably meet those of Chuuya, who hastily looks away, embarrassed by his reaction, and trying to pretend that all this time he's been looking at the view outside the booth and not at Dazai.
"Hey Chuuya" Dazai speaks to him, tapping his foot lightly on his leg to get his attention.
"Hmm?"
"Thanks," Dazai mutters, it sounds like a burst of sincerity.
Chuuya turns to look at him, amazed, and finds Dazai smiling sweetly at him with his eyes closed. The redhead loses his breathe right there. The Ferris wheel stops so they can get off, but he can't move, because right now, looking at Dazai, Chuuya just knows: He's absolutely lost.
And despite it all, there's no place either of them would rather be right now.
Dr. Yosano holds up the tests in her hands, both performed on the same person, but on different dates. She compares them to the look on her face obscured by her bangs.
It's Murakami's exams, the first victim of the ability theft machine. They are just under two weeks apart: The first were made when he was admitted to the hospital, the second today.
Her eyes widen in shock at what she sees.
"It's not possible," she mutters to herself, worried, and then turns to the hospital staff who handed her the tests, furious with them, "Why the hell didn't they call me sooner?!"
The hospital staff present cringe in fear and embarrassment, but that is of no use to Dr. Yosano. If these tests are correct and mean what she thinks, that could mean there's more to this case than originally thought.
Something bad.
Something very bad.
Notes:
Woah, I think this is the longest chapter I've written since the fic started (+9,000), but I don't regret anything, Chuuya and Dazai possessed me with their sweet nonsense and I couldn't stop writing hahaha
Anyway, more fluffy and sad nonsense is coming in the next chapter, but also more about Yosano's discovery, and Dazai will go (with Chuuya) to see the ADA again. Some keywords for the next chapter: Cats, medical checkups, and dancing.
Finally, what did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. I post a new chapter every saturday so see you next saturday <3
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
Chapter 9: “9”
Summary:
Doctor Yosano calls Chuuya to take Dazai back for a medical checkup. In the ADA, Dazai knows tenderness, but also panic. And at last he receives help to understand a little more about what he feels for Chuuya.
For his part, Chuuya has come to a realization from which it is now impossible to go back.
Finally, the ADA members are shocked by Dazai's expressions of emotion, shocked even more by this thing that seems to be going on between Dazai and Chuuya, and end up dealing with worry when Yosano shares disturbing information with them.
Notes:
TW: From panic attacks and descriptions of torture with a scalpel (the description is a tiny reference, but warning anyway).
And yes, I got a little excited so this is +10,000 words. Anyway, enjoy!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Dazai is exhausted (he is also very proud of himself for being able to identify for himself, according to his feelings, that he is exhausted).
He is so exhausted that he doesn't notice the particular sound of Chuuya's silence as they walk, moving away from the Ferris wheel as if they came out of a dream, a chimera, a fantasy land as ephemeral as it is wonderful.
They return by motorcycle to the Chuuya department, but the ride is much calmer. The gravity manipulator keeps the speed high but at a constant rate.
The feeling of the wind on Dazai's cheeks is like feeling inside a dream. He feels oppressed in his chest, but it's not a bad feeling, no: It's as if he had so many emotions inside himself that the space in his chest was no longer enough to contain them all.
Dazai thinks it's amazing, no longer having to throw himself into a river or swallow a bottle of pills whole and purposefully to get others to punch him just to feel something.
Once they reach the building, they stand in a comfortable, almost eerie silence as they ride up the elevator. There's a tension in the air they breathe, but not a bad one, it's like there's something there, pulling them towards each other so they collide. Dazai can't say exactly what it is, he doesn't know enough about living with emotions to define it, yet he knows it's there, the invisible thread. Connected.
Maybe Dazai feels so many emotions nesting in his chest because this has been the most wonderful day he's ever had in his entire life. He felt alive as he had never felt before. And Chuuya helped.
Once, when they were both sixteen, Dazai told Chuuya that hope was for fools. Chuuya obviously hadn't agreed with that, but that didn't stop the brunette from fighting to defend his statement with the best arguments he had (which were better than Chuuya's, obviously).
Now, as they walk into Chuuya's apartment and the redhead claims too loudly that "The only reason I'll let you sleep in my bed is so you don't freeze you fucking Shitty Dazai", Dazai still thinks that hope is for the fools.
However, when he replies, "Slug is sooo kind" and joy dances in his chest like a very sweet prize, that hope is for fools doesn't stop Dazai from feeling it anyway.
Have you ever felt that, after having a realization, you can no longer see the world in the same way as before with the new awareness of what you have discovered?
That's Chuuya's new curse right now.
You know, you can't re-close a door you had to break open, and you can't pretend the door is still closed if you've already seen what's inside.
It's that simple, and Chuuya is going to go crazy.
How was it that he could ignore how deep and beautiful Dazai's eyes were before? Even before the brunette lost his ability, when his eyes seemed so empty, even then they were immensely deep. Beautiful.
How was it before that Chuuya could ignore how soft Dazai's brown hair is and not die of the desire to entangle his fingers in that hair? Or how was it that before he could prevent his gaze from falling again and again on Dazai's lips against his will?
How could Chuuya live pretending a life where he hated Dazai? A life in which the brunette, supposedly, did not matter to him?
Yesterday, on the wheel of fortune, all those lies that he told himself ended up disarming.
And today, in the morning, those unarmed lies burned and their ashes flew far, far away. Because Dazai is asleep next to him and Chuuya's brain is seriously short-circuiting and- why the hell did Chuuya think it was a good idea to let Dazai sleep in his bed?!
Chuuya can't stop looking at Dazai: The way his brown curls have spilled over the pillow, the glare of the sun against his pale face, the way his nose wrinkles unconsciously when a strand of hair tickles his cheeks, his nose, his curled eyelashes, and, above all, his calm and relaxed expression, makes Dazai look younger, smaller, almost vulnerable but in the best way anyone can be.
Dazai doesn't relax around others, but even when he had to force himself to sleep, he had no problem doing it in Chuuya's presence. And now that the brunette is especially vulnerable due to the matter of his emotions, he still has no problem letting down his guard and sleeping soundly next to Chuuya.
For a long time, Chuuya thought that the trust between them was one-sided. He trusted Dazai, he told him and proved it many times, but Dazai never told him anything and Chuuya was sure that Dazai didn't trust him. And it hurt, to trust so deeply in a person who doesn't trust you at all.
But Chuuya was wrong. In the past and now, Dazai has always been relying on him. He has never told him in words, but he has shown it in a thousand ways. He's showing it now, sleeping next to him like this. Dazai trusted him even when he had no strong emotions guiding him to do so.
It's... It's a discovery that shouldn't have taken him as long as it did, and it's also incredibly satisfying knowledge.
Dazai stirs under the covers and Chuuya stays very still, afraid that the brown-haired man will open his eyes and discover the redhead looking at him. But Dazai just snorts through his nose and goes back to sleep.
Chuuya sighed in relief and ran his hand over his face.
"What am I supposed doing?" he mutters to himself.
Chuuya knows how he feels about Dazai. He couldn't deny it anymore after everything he felt yesterday. He feels- He is-
Okay, no, he doesn't want to think about that word, even though he knows exactly what it is. The L word. Not yet-
It's just that...
Chuuya has been relieved a little by knowing that most of the times Dazai seemed cruel or disinterested with him, it was actually that the brunette was suffering from the effects of No Longer Human, his permanently activated ability. And he wants- he wants...
Chuuya takes one last look at the brunette as he gets dressed, feeling conflicted. The longing might well eat him alive now. And being so hyper-aware of all the things he likes so much about Dazai isn't helping him at all.
And then Chuuya's phone starts ringing.
Turns out he's not the Posit man (too bad, Chuuya would have been amused by bothering him) or the cocky detective. The one who is calling him is Dr. Yosano.
Chuuya, anticipating that this day will probably be just as crazy as these last few, simply resigns himself to what the future holds and picks up the phone.
Chuuya is acting strangely, Dazai decides, once he has watched the redhead long enough to confirm it. He looks too much at Dazai and his cheeks turn red, a lot, for no apparent explanation, he also growls more than normal (which is saying a lot, considering that the amount of grunts Chuuya can emit in a normal day is already quite high).
Dazai wonders if this change in attitude, the change that makes Chuuya delay the touch of his hand on Dazai's back when they left the apartment, or the redhead keeping his hand around Dazai's wrist too long when pulling him to keep him to the side of houses while walking because "For someone who doesn't want to die anymore, you get too close to street traffic." and "You better not die on the road, or your doctor will want my head on a plate, and I'm not particularly interested in that, dammit."
Or this morning, when Chuuya thought that Dazai was asleep and gently touched the tip of his nose with his fingers (Dazai's heart almost exploded at that precise moment).
It's a bit frustrating not being able to read Chuuya, not being able to analyze him and easily know what's happening to him like Dazai used to before. Dazai's own emotions cloud his thoughts, cloud his deductions. Dazai looks at Chuuya and feels too many things to prevent him from objectively guessing what's wrong with the redhead.
Maybe Chuuya is also feeling this nameless thing that Dazai felt for him from the moment he looked at him without No Longer Human to interfere? Could Chuuya know what this feeling is? Could Dazai ask him?
But no, he won't ask him, because if Chuuya doesn't feel the same way (whatever it is that makes Dazai's heart beat faster when Chuuya is around and makes Dazai want to stay by his side), it will be embarrassing. So embarrassing.
Shame is an unpleasant and sticky feeling, and Dazai has felt it too many times against his will, he doesn't need to willingly feel it as well.
Maybe he can ask someone at the Agency, since they're headed there now?
"Chibi"
"What, Shitty Dazai? Do you want me to cut out your tongue?" Chuuya snaps, no real heat behind his words, though defensive.
"Not at the moment, thanks," Dazai hums, and then says what he really wanted to say, "Can you tell me again why Yosano-sensei needs us at the Agency?"
"Are you wondering why your Agency calls you to come to your place of work?"
Chuuya looks at him, his blue eyes always on fire. The redhead is very pretty. That's not new knowledge, Dazai has always thought that Chuuya is pretty, from the moment they met he has thought so, objectively speaking. What's new is that now thinking about it makes Dazai feel things too.
Emotions are so confusing.
"No, I asked why Chuuya will go there" Dazai specified.
Chuuya tenses up.
"Tsk. I told you I'd keep you safe, you fucking mackerel. And I keep my word." the redhead adjusts his hat, "Your doctor said something about giving you some medical tests, to see if everything is in order after you almost fried yourself standing in front of that machine"
Dazai's heart races again, his stomach flips, as if a bunch of butterflies tickled him. He is also afraid of the words Medical tests. It is an irrational, visceral, but latent fear. Has Yosano ever noticed that her eyes are the same color as Mori's?
No Dazai, don't go there. Control yourself.
Finally, they arrive at the ADA building. Dazai opens the door to enter, but Chuuya stops a few steps behind.
"Chibi changed his mind?”
"I'd like to. I just have to reply to a message from Mori-san, then we can-"
Dazai freezes and stops listening to what Chuuya is saying, his hand slips from the door handle and the door crashes into him, knocking him lightly.
Mori.
"You are mine, Dazai-kun. You can try to die all you want, but I will fix you and punish you because you are mine."
Hurts much. Too much. No no no, Dazai doesn't want to think about it, he doesn't want to feel that.
No no no no-
Chuuya looks up from his phone when he hears the building door slam shut and discovers that Dazai is already running up the stairs (the brunette is literally running).
"You couldn't wait for me, right you bastard?" Chuuya snorts, talking to himself and shaking his head in resignation. He then puts his phone in his pocket and goes into the building as well.
What the hell happened to Dazai? One minute he was there, talking to Chuuya and smiling and waiting for Chuuya to enter the building, and the next he put on a very strange expression and ran off.
Does it have to do with the flashback that Dazai experienced yesterday? Was it because Chuuya mentioned Mori?
The redhead frowns, confused. Maybe Chuuya should find the right time soon to ask Dazai about what he's not telling him, about what happened when Dazai left the Port Mafia. To help him.
Chuuya wants to help him, really. Chuuya lo- Dazai is-
Chuuya sighs.
Dazai is very important to him, always has been.
What is it that you don't tell anyone, Dazai?
As soon as Dazai arrives at the Agency offices, he is almost tackled by Atsushi when clings to him very tightly as soon as he sees him, hugging him as he has rarely done.
"Dazai-san, you're okay!" he exclaims, sounding happy and relieved, clutching onto Dazai's coat tightly.
Dazai staggers from Atsushi's momentum against him, losing his breath right there, and his panic triggered by Chuuya's mention of Mori dies down, replaced by the warm sensation of Atsushi's embrace. What a strange thing, hugs... Atsushi hugs him and Dazai involuntarily smiles at the gesture, clumsily patting Atsushi's back, because he doesn't quite know what is the correct way to react or respond to a hug.
Dazai also feels a bit dizzy, probably the effect of going from panic to joy so quickly. It feels like his emotions are playing ping pong with him against his will. But at least the panic is gone, and the brunette is grateful for that.
Atsushi finally lets go of Dazai, apologizing for his outburst in difficult-to-understand mumbles. Dazai is about to tell him not to apologize, that he is actually grateful, when…
"Dazai!" Kunikida yells.
Dazai turns to him and sees the blond approaching with his hands on his hips and a frown on his face. He seems annoyed, but to be honest, Kunikida always seems to be annoyed, even if he isn't, and Dazai is happy to see him, so he smiles and waves at him anyway.
"Hi, Kunikida-kun!"
"Nothing of Hi, Dazai! How did you think of sneaking out the other day without telling anyone? We were so worried about you!" Kunikida yells, very upset.
Dazai is shocked against his will, he can't help it. Chuuya explained why everyone was worried, and Dazai, on a logical level, understood. However, what he still can't understand is why people are able to care about him as if Dazai is worth something. It doesn't matter that his brain understands it, his heart seems to deeply refuse to do so.
"Were you worried about me?"
"Of course! Who's going to do all your paperwork for you if you don't come back to work because you died there? Me! And I'm not doing to!" Kunikida complains, using his paperwork as an excuse.
Ranpo appears behind Kunikida and points out, highly amused, "Kunikida is obviously lying, Dazai. He already did half of your paperwork yesterday."
Kunikida turns to Ranpo, totally embarrassed: "Please Ranpo-san, don't say that to him!"
"As a detective, it's my duty to protect the truth," Ranpo boasts, though in reality it's obvious to everyone that he's just openly mocking poor Kunikida.
"We're glad you're back, Dazai-san" Naomi tells him, walking past him carrying some boxes along with Tanizaki.
Tanizaki nods at what Naomi said and gives Dazai a thumbs up. "I'm glad you're okay, Dazai-san" he nods.
Kyoka even tugs on Dazai's coat to greet him with a look, to which the brunette responds with a smile and a nod.
Dazai is overwhelmed, but in the best possible way. His cowokers, his friends from the Agency really... really care about him... It's a really nice feeling, and Dazai finds himself laughing sweetly at the whole scene: Kunikida embarrassed to be worried and Ranpo blatantly exposing him, of Atsushi and the way he became attached to him, of the Tanizaki brothers and Kyoka, and of Kenji, who jumped up to get to him.
His laughter surprises everyone in the Agency and makes them snap their heads back to look at him with wide eyes: he is indeed laughing softly. They can't help but be surprised by Dazai's sudden, honest, and open displays of emotion. Neither is used to Dazai suddenly being expressive, it's something totally new (although Dazai remains the same underneath this surface). It's nice to see him laugh though, seeing him happy for a change means he's okay, allowing everyone to heave a collective sigh of relief.
Kenji nods happily between them, then asks hopefully, "Did you bring the man who walks on walls with you, Dazai-san?"
That seems to be Chuuya's entrance, because just at that moment the redhead appears behind Dazai, serious and with his head held high, acting quite different from when he and Dazai are alone.
"Hey, idiots" Chuuya says as a general greeting, adjusting his hat and looking at them as if daring them to contradict him.
Kenji is the only one who doesn't notice (or chooses to ignore) the insult, because he cheerfully replies to the redhead, "Hello, wall-walking mister!"
"Nakahara" Kunikida returns the greeting in a cordial but tense tone, "You came. Again."
Chuuya gave him a cheeky smile, still standing very close to Dazai, care Dazai's back even if he doesn't have to here. It's just an unconscious habit that the redhead never lost.
"Yeah, do you have a problem with that, four eyes?"
Kunikida was outraged: "Who are you calling-?"
Dazai, knowing both of them, quickly got in the way (Dazai, honestly, would rather they fight him than each other so no one important gets hurt), smiling nervously and forcing himself to ask, "Where's Yosano-sensei? I thought she awaited me"
Kunikida sighs and decides to ignore Chuuya to reply to Dazai: "She was called this morning from the hospital, again, something about a special consultation. She should come back after lunch" he explains, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose.
"Oh, 'kay"
Dazai can't hold back a sigh of relief knowing that he won't have to undergo those medical tests right away. But still, the anxiety feels like a swarm of insects swarming and nesting in his stomach at the thought that, as soon as Yosano arrives, he'll have to undergo one of those medical exams that he avoided even when he didn't have full emotions yet, because they reminded him too much of Mori and his dark office.
"Dazai, come play with me," Ranpo demands says, grabbing Dazai by the sleeve of his coat and pulling him like he's a little kid (although he's only four years younger than Ranpo), "I already have the Go board game ready"
Dazai looks at Chuuya, as if asking if it's alright for him to leave him alone in what Chuuya considers to be enemy territory. The redhead nods with an almost imperceptible movement to Dazai's silent question.
The brunette gives Chuuya a sweet smile that should be as illegal as the mafia is (according to Chuuya, at least), and then he is led by Ranpo to his desk, his eyes shining with anticipation.
"Please don't hit me so hard Ranpo-san, I'm still getting used to it" he asks the other detective.
Ranpo snorts in front of him. "Nonsense, this is my chance to beat you at a strategy game for once," he states, bragging.
Dazai just smiles indulgently at him in response, feeling him relax. It's okay, he can do this, this is just another day of dealing with his emotions, he'll survive. Besides, in case he slip, Chuuya is here, so he don't have to worry, right?
The trust that Dazai has in Chuuya is definitely one of the best feelings that the disappearance of No Longer Human has allowed him to experience. It's a feeling as warm and comforting as Chuuya's own hand in hers.
Meanwhile, as Dazai leaves, Chuuya and Kunikida stand next to each other, and when they notice it, they look at each other, throwing invisible daggers from their eyes. Atsushi, next to them, lets out a nervous giggle and slowly walks away from them before they notice.
It's lunch time. Ranpo makes sure to announce it loudly. And Dazai is a bit surprised when he sees Haruno and Naomi arrive with bento carts for everyone's lunch. Although they all tend to eat together at the Agency when they are not busy on a case, they usually each get their lunch on their own, or sometimes the one who doesn't bring lunch goes out to eat. It's a bit strange that there's lunch for everyone today, but Dazai won't complain, he was starting to feel hungry while playing Go with Ranpo.
(To the Dazai who still had his ability, it would have been very easy to guess that Ranpo ordered these lunches for everyone on purpose, like an older brother who chooses to show he cares in non-obvious ways, but now hunger and excitement cloud the ability. Dazai's Quick Deduction)
The bentos are dished out by Haruno and Naomi. Dazai receives his and Chuuya's.
"Chibi! Catch!" Dazai exclaims, and tosses the package towards the redhead, who has found a comfortable corner of the room and seems determined to remain there as some sort of watchman.
Chuuya straightens up and catches the package with his ability, slowly bringing it the rest of the way towards him until he finally has it in his hands.
"What's wrong, Shitty Dazai?! Do you think I'm your dog?!" The redhead complains.
Dazai, who is already happily opening his bento, slyly replies, "Chuuya really wants me to answer that?" He asks with feigned innocence.
"Bastard" Chuuya stuffs a large portion of rice into his mouth and groans with his mouth full.
Dazai laughs, "Chibi is so adorable."
Chuuya's eyes widen and her cheeks flush violently red. Instead of responding with the usual insult, he is only able to look away and fill his mouth with more rice, pretending he didn't hear Dazai (and pretending, too, that watching Dazai isn't one of his favorite things right now).
The rest of the Agency watches their interactions with curiosity. They don't seem...to get along as badly as Dazai used to tell them. Maybe they already made up? Who knows.
Of course, Ranpo knows: Those two fools are obviously in love.
Ugh, Ranpo thinks, how slow they are all here. And then he proceeds to mix his rice with chips from a bag, taking advantage of the fact that Fukuzawa isn't there to scold him.
"The food is wonderful!" Dazai exclaims, having finished his entire bento in record time, "The flavors are amazing!"
Chuuya smiles from where he is watching him. He doesn't think he'll ever get over how nice it is to see Dazai enjoy a full meal, how happy he looks… Ugh, control yourself, he reminds himself.
However, the others in the ADA who don't know what Chuuya knows, can't help but stare at Dazai in amazement, not only because of his cheerful expressiveness, but because of his surprisingly positive reaction to food.
"I thought you didn't like food so much, Dazai-san" Kenji comments curiously.
For his part, Kunikida frowns, puzzled: "Surely I always have to force you to eat, Dazai. Now you happen to like food?"
Don't get him wrong, if Dazai is finally willing to eat three full meals a day, no one will be happier than Kunikida, it's just that it's very strange to hear that the brunette is remembering to eat and actually enjoying food for a change. It catches Kunikida's eye and he can't help but point it out.
Dazai smiled, as if remembering something the others didn't, and proceeded to explain:
"You see, before I lost my ability, I couldn't experience hunger or taste food. Everything was indifferent to me. But now I can!" the brunette exclaims with emotion, completely oblivious to the weight of his words.
The agency members looked at each other, surprised and suddenly saddened to hear such a casual revelation from Dazai. For them, it was inconceivable to imagine a life without being able to enjoy food or feel something as natural as hunger or the taste of things.
"Oh" Atsushi mutters to himself, saddened.
Kunikida doesn't speak at first, unable to get over the initial shock of Dazai's words. All this time, he's simply been berating his partner for something that was totally out of his control, and the realization of that causes guilt to twist into a complicated knot in his stomach.
"I'm sorry, Dazai" he says sincerely.
Dazai simply shakes his hand, dismissing it, totally oblivious to the impact his words had made on the others.
"Oh, it's not important, but listen, did you know that-?"
Dazai continued to rave about the wonders of food and flavors, just like that.
From his corner, Chuuya just watched him with a mixture of affection and concern in his eyes.
The conversation was suddenly interrupted when a very deep voice announced his arrival from the door: The president.
Immediately, everyone straightened up in their seats, full of respect and reverence for their boss. Even Chuuya, though not his direct superior, felt the urge to do the same, putting his defiant attitude aside. That man really commanded respect just by his presence.
Dazai, following the lead of the others, stood up and greeted the president, feeling for the first time deep respect and affection for the man before him. The sudden new feelings overwhelmed him instantly, but he got used to them very quickly.
"Dazai" Fukuzawa greets him, serious and cordial as always.
"President" Dazai replies, unable to contain a smile as he greets.
And then, something inside President Fukuzawa's haori moves. Something alive. Dazai gasps in surprise, but before he (or anyone else present who is looking at the president in surprise) can ask what that is, the president's haori meows, and a small gray cat peeks out of the cloth that everyone recognizes as one of the regular cats that the Fukizawa often feeds on the roof of the building.
"This is Kumo" Fukuzawa introduces the cat to Dazai, speaking with his characteristic seriousness and very solemnly. It's an image that has a lot of contrast: A serious and stoic man introducing his subordinate to a cat he named Kumo (cloud), "You can carry him." The president continues, and proceeds to hand out the kitten, who meows at Dazai as if greeting him. This is clearly Fukuzawa's way of giving Dazai a little taste of his world and the emotions that await him, just like the others did on day one by showing Dazai their abilitys or dancing with him to a song from radio.
Dazai looks at the cat with a mixture of curiosity and wariness. Although he prefers cats over dogs on any given day, he still feels insecure at the thought of holding one in his arms. Mean, they're such fragile creatures and Dazai is… let's just say he doesn't think he was made to handle soft things. However, it is the president who is asking him, the only figure of authority that Dazai really respects, so the brunette is unable to refuse.
Dazai carefully sits back down, holding out his arms to receive the kitten in them. His hands shake slightly as he extends them, and soon his fingers are sinking into the kitten's gray fur. Kumo, accustomed to affection, quickly settles into the brunette's lap. Very gently, almost as if afraid to break the little kitten, Dazai begins to stroke its soft fur. A warm, comforting feeling washes over him instantly, and soon he abandons his caution to throw himself into the experience.
The kitten purred softly while the brunette continued to caress it gently. Dazai feels as if there are soft cotton balls on his chest, and a warm sensation envelops him that spreads through his entire body and makes his heart feel strangely soft. What was... what was this feeling that made him feel so soft inside?
Softness, his misty brain supplied, this is what they call softness.
Kumo relaxed under Dazai's caresses, causing a genuine smile to form on his face. Dazai doesn't cry (although he could have), but his eyes do shine with emotion. The cat was petting Dazai back, rubbing against his vest, as if Dazai was good.
God, It's possible to overdose on cuteness? It's possible to die for that? Dazai thinks he could, right here, right now. The kitty is so soft.
Seeing the positive effect his idea caused, President Fukuzawa puts a small but satisfied smile on his face.
Meanwhile, Dazai's ADA members were watching the scene with utter tenderness on different levels.
"So cute," Naomi squeals, unable to contain her excitement as she lets out little squeals of delight.
Atsushi was grinning broadly, delighted by his mentor's happiness.
Kunikida was silently moved, averting his gaze to hide his own emotion and pretend he wasn't feeling it.
"Oh, that's fantastic! Dazai-san seems to like animals. I'll introduce you to my cow!" Kenji exclaims, excited.
And then there was Chuuya, who was watching the scene from his own corner. If anyone had looked at the mafia executive at that moment, they would have been in for an even bigger sight: Chuuya was red-cheeked and his eyes were sparkling as he stared at Dazai, practically mesmerized by the image in front of him.
Dazai looks so happy. So cute. Chuuya feels the sudden urge to hit him, only for him to stop looking so cute and stop making his heart beat so fast.
And then, as if summoned, Dazai directs his eyes bright with excitement towards Chuuya.
"Chibi, you have to pet him!" Dazai calls out to the redhead, completely oblivious to the feelings he's arousing in him, "Did you know cats could be so soft? Come on, come on!" the brunette continues, speaking too fast because of the emotion he feels.
"Don't call me like I'm your dog" Chuuya complains, but his voice fails to project the usual strength and he approaches anyway, "I'll only approach for the cat, not for you, Shitty Dazai" he warns him, approaching. It's obviously a blatant lie. Right now, Chuuya doesn't think he would be able to say no to Dazai.
So Chuuya, feigning disinterest but unable to resist, walk over to Dazai and sit down next to him.
For his part, overwhelmed by his emotions, Dazai simply felt that this was so wonderful that he needed to share it with Chuuya. That must mean something, something important, but Dazai doesn't have the space to deduce what that need means among all this tenderness that surrounds him, so he doesn't question it for the moment.
Chuuya leans slightly towards Dazai, involuntarily enjoying the closeness as he listens to Dazai speak and pats the cat as well, but all the while looking at Dazai very intently. The two seem to have completely forgotten that there are, in fact, other people in the room.
Behind them, the ADA members exchanged surprised glances at the scene unfolding in front of them between Dazai and a Port Mafia executive. It seems that everyone notices that there is something between those two, except for those two.
Ranpo, ever crafty, just enjoys his dessert as he watches the scene with a smirk. He knows that sooner or later, Dazai and Chuuya will discover what everyone else has already sensed.
Dazai is shaking. He really, really tries to control himself and not feel anything (which seems to be impossible) as he follows Yosano down the hall to the infirmary, with Chuuya right behind him acting like a watchdog.
He tries, but fails. All he can think about is that he's walking toward a cold table, metal restraints, and cold scalpels that will cut him with deadly precision and pain, but never give him the death he begs for.
"-zai"
"Oi mackerel"
Dazai blinks and realizes that they have already reached the entrance of the office and Yosano holds the door open for him to enter. When- when did he get here?
The brunette tries his best to put a carefree smile on his face, but he isn't sure if he succeeds, judging by the worried expressions on Chuuya and doctor Yosano.
"Oh yeah yeah, I'm coming" he laughs nervously, but though he tries to appear nonchalant, his expression looks more like a shaky grimace.
Yosano nods. She is very serious, as if she cares about more than just routine medical exams, but if so, she doesn't say anything about it.
"Nakahara, you can wait outside." Yosano says, more like an offer than an order, but the redhead takes it defensively, of course.
"And shit, I go in with him"
"I would prefer Chibi to go in with me"
They both speak in unison. Chuuya doesn't plan to leave Dazai alone in there after noticing how nervous the brunette is, and Dazai really prefers Chuuya's presence there, it makes him feel more secure.
Yosano raises both eyebrows at her reactions, but doesn't say anything about it, just shrugs and nods.
"As you prefer"
So the three of them go in.
As the door closes behind them, Dazai feels his anxiety, a stomach-turning storm, escalate exponentially.
It's, this isn't Mori's office, this is Dr. Yosano's infirmary (and even though Yosano can be very scary, she won't hurt him), Dazai can do this.
Chuuya leans against the wall, carefully watching Yosano's every move and Dazai's reactions to it, while Dazai almost reluctantly sits on the table, very tense.
It's okay, it's not Mori, it's Yosano, it's okay, he tries to remind himself over and over again, but feelings and emotions, as Dazai found out over the days, are totally irrational, and there are some things that Dazai's brain knows that it is impossible to convince his heart, which beats with terror.
It's okay.
Yosano, seeming to notice Dazai's concern, starts with the simple: routine questions about his appetite, his mood, and his sleeping schedule these days, while he takes Dazai's blood pressure.
Dazai answered all the questions with monosyllables and a forced smile that he could barely keep from his face, all the while trying to remind his mind that it's just the Agency infirmary, it's just Yosano.
The next thing Yosano does is listen to Dazai's heart. Noticing his discomfort, (and remembering how Dazai was scared the first time he woke up in the infirmary) Yosano lets him know what he's doing out loud and asks for permission to touch him during the entire medical check-up, which helps Dazai a lot stay in the present as Yosano places the stethoscope over the bandages on his chest.
"Now I just need a blood sample and we'll be done"
Dazai shudders against his will.
"Is... Is that really necessary?" he asks, his nervous smile faltering around the edges.
"That's how it is." Yosano responds, without explaining why. She doesn't want to scare Dazai, as volatile as he is, without confirming her suspicions herself, "It will be quick"
Dazai nods sharply, fingers squeezing hard on the stretcher until his knuckles turn white as he watches Yosano prepare the syringe. The brunette feels how the panic begins to grow inside him, so irrational and so inevitable.
It's okay, it's Yosano, just Yosano. It's the Agency. Chuya is here. It's okay.
If there's one emotion that Dazai really hates since he started feeling them, it would definitely be fear.
A feeling of despair began to wash over Dazai as Yosano approached, syringe in hand. His heart was pounding, as if he wanted to escape from his chest. His breathing came fast and shallow against his will. He couldn't- He can't-
Suddenly, Dazai stood up from the stretcher, his eyes glassy and unseeing. He stumbled backward, his wobbly legs unable to support him. Fear gripped him as he struggled for air, feeling trapped in the darkness of his own traumatic memories.
His thoughts became chaotic and distorted because this... This is Mori's consulting room and Mori smiles and strokes Dazai's hair while opening his stomach with a scalpel and Oh god, oh god, please no, please not again-
Dazai desperately tried to control his breathing, but his body seemed to have other planes. His chest was tightening, as if he were trapped in a shrinking space. Each attempt to inhale air became an exhausting and terrifying challenge. The fear of suffocation gripped Dazai, his mind convinced that he would never be able to breathe again. His heartbeat pounded in his ears, heightening his sense of panic. Every second seemed like an eternity while I breathed.
Please, please help-
A second before, everything seemed fine. Dazai looked nervous and a little scared, but he seemed to be handling it. Or so Chuuya thought. And he was wrong, because a second later, when Dr. Yosano was about to take a blood sample from Dazai, the brunette began to hyperventilate, stumbling forward and finally sitting on the floor next to the table, shaking.
Chuuya only took a moment to be surprised and wonder what was going on before acting, rushing past Yosano, who was trying to talk to Dazai to calm him down. The redhead crouched down right in front of Dazai, who, just like when he woke up the day before, was looking at Chuuya without really seeing him, as if he was actually seeing something that no one else sees.
"Nakahara" Yosano tried, but Chuuya raised his hand to stop her. Even though Chuuya doesn't know what's behind Dazai's panic attacks, he's pretty sure that the doctor's office (and doctors in general) is a trigger, so he doesn't think the doctor will be of much help right now.
"Let me handle it" he asked her.
Yosano, seeming to have come to the same conclusion as Chuuya, finally backed down, albeit a bit against her will. Then the redhead focused on Dazai.
"Dazai, hey." Chuuya spoke, trying to keep his own concern out of his voice to help. Shit, he's not good at these things, "Mackerel, it's Chuuya. You're in your Agency's infirmary, okay? You're safe."
But Dazai didn't seem to be listening to him, he seemed to be drowning, suffocated by a bunch of memories that Chuuya was completely unaware of. So the redhead took a chance, and without thinking about the consequences, he tried to take Dazai's hand. Surprisingly, Dazai didn't pull away, just squeezed his hand very hard. With the contact, the mob executive could feel the way the brunette trembled. Chuuya made a face, then slowly guided Dazai's hand to his own chest, right where his heart was. Automatically, Dazai's fingers clung tightly to Chuuya's shirt.
"That's it," Chuuya murmured, his voice soft and steady as he did his best to guide Dazai through his panic, "Come on, mackerel, follow my breath. I've got you, okay? Come on, that's it, come back wherever you went"
Come back with me.
Chuuya's words seeped into Dazai's clouded mind, acting like an anchor in the midst of the chaos. Slowly, he began to hear Chuuya's voice, to feel his reassuring presence. His breathing became slower and deeper, following the rhythm of Chuuya's breathing and calmed by the pounding of his heart.
With each inhalation and exhalation, Dazai finally began to regulate his breathing. The tension in his body gradually dissipated, replaced by a sense of safety. Chuya is here. Chuuya is here and he was never there when Mori- This isn't Mori's consulting room, it's Yosano's infirmary. Oh god, it's okay, it's okay.
"Chuuya" Dazai muttered with a slightly strangled voice when he finally calmed down, his gaze meeting the worried eyes of the redhead.
"Hey shitty Dazai, welcome back" Chuuya breathed a sigh of relief seeing Dazai calmer, and smiled indulgently at him.
Dazai snorted, suddenly very aware of Dr. Yosano's and Chuuya's gazes on him: They were definitely going to want to ask questions. And, also definitely, Dazai didn't want to talk about it.
Mean, what was he going to tell Yosano? Did I get scared because you reminded me of Mori? You know, the idiot who hurt you and hurt me too? No. He can't say that to her, he decided, feeling bubbles of what he recognized as empathy burst in his chest.
And what would he say to Chuuya? He definitely couldn't say something like: Hey slug, do you remember Mori-san, your boss that you admire so much? Well, it turns out that he tortured me so much and I didn't know how much it hurt until I could feel things, and now I'm terrified to hear his name and he- he planned Odasaku's death so that I would leave-
No, he couldn't tell Chuuya anything, he couldn't explain it to him. Especially since Dazai feared that, given a final decision, Chuuya, loyal and amazing Chuuya, would choose his allegiance to Mori over Dazai.
All those thoughts and worries went through his mind in a matter of a split second before he finally decided to deflect the situation and pretend it hadn't been important, even though his chest still ached.
He couldn't lose Chuuya now, not when he had just found out how important the redhead is to him (he is the most important).
So, before Chuuya could ask Dazai about what just happened, the brunette, embarrassed but relieved, broke the silence: "I... I'm sorry for that. I think I found out that I don't like doctors that much." he said with a sheepish smile, removing his hand from Chuuya's chest to put it behind his own head and absently scratching himself, still sitting on the floor and feeling suddenly small under the gazes of the other two. "No offense, Yosano- sensei"
Yosano, who had been watching intently, brushed it off with a wave of her gloved hand and personally relieved that it was a panic attack and not a symptom of what she is suspecting. "Don't worry, Dazai. Most of them aren't able to take my treatment anyway," she replied, winking at him as she highlighted the word treatment in that tone that made practically everyone in the Agency tremble, thus easing the tension in the room.
Chuuya pursed his lips. It was clear that he wanted to talk to Dazai about the panic attack, but it was also clear that Dazai didn't want to talk about it, and besides, they were still under the Agency doctor's gaze, so… The redhead sighed with resignation and decided to keep the panic attack out of the question, at least until Dazai had calmed down a bit more and they were alone.
Chuuya extended a hand to Dazai as he said, "Come on you lazy mackerel, get up" offering Dazai a little bit of normalcy which, after the recent ordeal, was something Dazai really appreciated.
The brunette took the hand that was offered to him and stood up.
"Do you feel ready to continue, Dazai? As much as I love trying creative methods with my patients, I really wouldn't ask you for this blood sample if I didn't need it."
Dazai took a deep breath.
"Yeah, okay, I promise I won't go crazy again," he stated, trying to assuage his own panic with humor, though he still felt a little dizzy and hypervigilant. It turns out that humor is effective both for faking emotions and for covering them up, how useful. Thereupon, the brunette sat on the stretcher, unrolled a very small portion of his bandages (barely leaving enough room for the syringe) and handed his arm over to Yosano, automatically looking away as Yosano proceeded. It was better if he didn't watch what she was doing, to avoid the memories.
His eyes met Chuuya's and Dazai kept them there, fixed, wishes that his stupid emotions wouldn't stop him from asking Chuuya to take his hand, settling himself with the comforting and silent look that Chuuya returned.
(At the same time, Chuuya wishes for the courage to say hell and take Dazai's hand in his own.)
Once the sample was taken, Yosano went off to save the sample. Dazai was relieved that it was all over, at least for now. Chuuya approached quietly.
"What's wrong, Chibi? Isn't there a joke about my fear of doctors? Something about how cowardly I am?" Dazai tried to keep the atmosphere light, laughing shakily.
"You're an annoying little shit, Shitty Dazai, but I won't tell you lies. You're fucking brave."
Dazai looked at him with wide eyes, surprised by his words (and to think that there was a time when few things could surprise Dazai Osamu, and now almost everything does...). Chuuya's words, like his gaze and his touch and everything in him, again generated that strange warmth in his heart that spread throughout his chest. For the first time, Dazai felt the desperate need to find out what the name of that feeling was, to find out why it was so wonderful and why he only felt it with Chuuya.
"You're stupid too" Chuuya hastened to add, to keep a bit of his dignity, "So don't let it go to your head"
At his words, Dazai simply laughed.
"Slug is the stupid one" Dazai replied, playing along.
"Hah?!"
Their looks, as always, conveyed something completely different from their words.
Meanwhile, watching out of the corner of her eye, Doctor Yosano snorted to herself. Idiots in love and their stupid lack of communication, she thought, and then proceeded to focus on the sample in her hands and her spirits dropped drastically: In twenty-four hours, this sample would confirm her suspicions.
Yosano really wishes this sample didn't.
It has already been decided that Dazai is going to stay with Chuuya for the duration of the leave that Fukuzawa gave him while he adjusts to the recent changes he has undergone, so at the end of the day, after Yosano's check-up, they prepare to leave.
As Dazai says goodbye, Chuuya receives a call and goes outside to answer it, taking a few steps away from the offices. Dazai watches him walk away, distracted enough to be startled when Kunikida puts a hand on his shoulder (which is disturbing, to say the least).
"Dazai" Kunikida says, all straight and serious, but there's a hint of unease on his face, "Are you sure it's a good idea to stay with an executive from the Port Mafia?" the blond asked with some suspicion.
Dazai wrinkled his nose at the negative innuendo towards Chuuya, feeling a bit of indignation on Chuuya's behalf swirl in his chest, but the mistrust was understandable to those who don't know the redhead like he does, he supposed, so he kept it up. calm and looked directly into Kunikida's eyes to reply:
"Kunikida-kun, I know Chuuya can be annoying, explosive, and also a lot of rage packed into a very small body," Dazai explained solemnly, "but I trust him with my life. Without a doubt."
Kunikida looked at him, surprised by his words, but there was no doubt or lies in Dazai's eyes, just pure honesty, something that was not very common in the old Dazai who was forced to fake a lot because of his ability.
"Okay, Dazai, if you say so..."
Dazai nodded with a wide smile. Talking about Chuuya with his coworkers made him feel surprisingly happy, so he continued, "Did you know that Chuuya writes poetry? He's so funny. I once wrote twenty-seven volumes of my complaints about Chuuya just to compete with him-"
Dazai sounds like a lovesick fool, definitely, the other Agency members mused to themselves as they listened to the conversation. The image of Dazai defending Chuuya Nakahara of all people in the face of Kunikida's mistrust was surprising.
At the end, they all say goodbye to Dazai and ask him to be careful (And, in the case of Kenji, the blond boy asks him especially: "Bring back Chuuya-san, please!").
However, Dazai still has a goal in mind, and after going through all his possibilities about who could answer his questions about the strange feeling he feels when he's with Chuuya: Kunikida definitely doesn't, Atsushi, Kyoka, or Kenji probably understand less than he does, Ranpo would have been a good choice, but he's not here to ask him (he probably snuck out to hang out at the president's office), Yosano is not an option. Tanizaki is possible, but Naomi will probably vouch for him, so in the end, Dazai settled on Naomi, since she seems to understand a lot about feelings and stuff, even though she sometimes shows it towards her brother in really disturbing ways.
So, as everyone walked away, Dazai gently stopped her before she could do the same: "Naomi-chan, I have a question for you," he asked. At least asking Naomi was less embarrassing than asking any of his other coworkers.
She smiled kindly at him: "Of course, Dazai-san. Tell me! I have a few minutes before I go back to check on my brother."
Dazai put a hand to his chest, trying to figure out how to describe the feeling. Finally, he asked, “Have you ever felt a strange warm feeling in your heart when you interact with someone? Like your heart races and you want to… you know… be close to him? I mean, It's normal?"
Naomi smiled mischievously, instantly understanding what Dazai was trying to convey, which honestly made Dazai a little uneasy: "Oh, Dazai-san, that sounds like a falling in love, you know?" she responded, winking at him knowingly.
"Fall in love?" Dazai repeated, puzzled.
Falling in love? Love? Is he… is he capable of feeling all of this? To Chuuya? Or any?
Can I feel love? How... How can I be sure?
Noting his confusion, Naomi offers, "Maybe watching a movie with romance will help you understand better, Dazai-san. Those are my favorites! Junichiro and I watch them all the time."
"I...Romance movies?" Dazai cocked his head curiously.
"Yes! Like Howl's Moving Castle. Howl and Sophie make such a beautiful couple" Naomi explained with dreamy eyes, "You should see it with Nakahara-san, Dazai-san, so you can ask him questions" Naomi said this last bit mischievously, like if she knew something about it that Dazai was completely unaware of.
Dazai nodded seriously, taking the advice a little too seriously: "I understand, Naomi-chan," he expressed gratefully, and said goodbye so she could go on her way and go spy on her brother, though on the inside Dazai was even more confused. And the confusion was a naughty, annoying thing that swirled in his chest and wouldn't let him be at peace. Ugh.
"Oi Dazai! Let's go now!" Chuuya suddenly called out to him from the entrance of the offices.
Dazai jumped, feeling his heart race against his will, and turned to look at the redhead.
He is in love with Chuuya? How could Dazai even know what that really meant? It's... It's really possible?
Hiding behind the humor and very proud that he was at least regaining some control over himself instead of his emotions having all the control, Dazai broke into a playful smile to address the redhead: "Chuuya is trying to kidnap me or something like that?"
Chuuya looked at him with disdain. "Kidnapping you isn't profitable, Dazai. Who in their right mind would pay a ransom for you?" he replied sarcastically.
Dazai stuck his tongue out at him, but let Chuuya tug on his sleeve outside anyway.
Seeing them leave, the Agency was at least reassured that Dazai was in good hands.
Yosano gathered all the remaining members of the Armed Detective Agency at the main offices (everyone except Ranpo, who had already deduced on his own what Yosano was going to tell them and hid alone in the president's office to inform him himself). The air felt tense. With a serious expression on her face, Yosano spoke up.
"There is something you should know." She said, "Dazai's medical checkup was not just routine. I received a call yesterday from the hospital and another today. Both were about the previous victims of the ability-stealing machine."
Everyone's eyes rested on her, expectant and worried.
"What do you mean, Yosano-sensei?" Kunikida asked, very seriously, "What's going on?"
Yosano sighed, taking a moment to choose her words carefully before continuing.
"Murakami, the first victim of the ability-stealing machine, died yesterday. And this morning, before I could get to the hospital, the second victim also died. Both of sudden multi-organ failure after practically freezing to death. No I have information on the Port Mafia victim, but we can assume that he could meet the same fate soon."
Which implies that...
A deathly silence filled the room as everyone took in the news. Concern was reflected on the faces of those present.
Atsushi, in particular, had a look of horror on his face: "Does that mean Dazai-san...?" he asked with a shaky voice, as if afraid to hear the answer.
Yosano tried to reassure him, while Kyoka put a hand on his arm.
"We still can't be sure. The results of the analysis will be ready in the next 24 hours. And I'll compare them with the samples I have from the other victims. Until then, we have to keep calm" Yosano affirmed, being serious as she didn't it was very often.
But the uncertainty and worry were there all the same, floating between them with the weight of an anvil.
For the first time, Dazai was happy, and now it turns out that the reason for his newly acquired happiness was... was...
Was going to kill him?
Chuuya was developing a decidedly unhealthy obsession with Dazai's eyes and the different ways they shine at different angles. It's a serious problem, okay?
It's a bit unreal, that they're leaving Dazai's work towards Chuuya's house, as if they were... as if they were...
However, even though he feels like he could inadvertently kiss Dazai if he's not careful, there's still a thorn in his heart when he thinks of them together.
Dazai left earlier. Don't get him wrong, Chuuya is glad the bastard has found a place in his stupid Armed Detective Agency, where everyone seems to genuinely care about him. It was clear, in retrospect, that Dazai's place was never the Port Mafia, that the brunette never felt that place as his own, not like Chuuya did. So the redhead is happy for him. The thorn in his chest isn't that Dazai left, it's that he didn't tell him why.
Yes, the Port Mafia wasn't Dazai's place, in the end, but it could have been: Dazai and Chuuya were partners, good partners nonetheless. And Mori was a good boss. And there was Ane-san, who was good with youngsters. And there was Hirotsu. And there was Akutagawa, Dazai's student. And there was Gin, Dazai's favorite.
That might have been enough, but it wasn't. And there must be a reason why it wasn't, a very powerful (perhaps terrible) reason that explains why none of that was enough (that Chuuya wasn't enough).
A reason probably related to the panic attacks and flashbacks and the fear and pain Dazai was screaming with when he woke up the first time.
Chuuya isn't even upset anymore (how could he after all he's learned these last few days?), he just wants... to know the reason, what happened to Dazai, to understand.
And then, perhaps, he could allow himself to make those thoughts he has when he looks at Dazai come true.
Chuuya clears his throat as they walk. Now that they are alone, he is determined to ask him what happened before, in Yosano's infirmary, and before, in his room the morning before, and long before, when Dazai left the Port Mafia.
The redhead opens his mouth to speak and then…
"Chibi, listen! It's music!" Dazai suddenly exclaimed, stopping in front of a store where the sound of upbeat music came from.
Damn, it's like he realizes I'm about to ask him an important question and strays, the redhead snorts to himself.
Chuuya looked at Dazai resignedly and raised both eyebrows: “I have ears too, Shitty Dazai. I can hear it"
Indeed, he can. From the store, the melodies at the beginning of a song that she recognizes because it is one of Elise's favorites in English is escaping: Shut up and Dance.
Dazai seemed so suddenly excited that he didn't even return Chuuya's joke. Instead, he shook his head, looking almost elated.
“No, not listen to it, feel it. Chibi already knew that music can be felt?" Dazai explained, moving his hands to emphasize his words, and then moved closer to Chuuya to pull him into the alley next to the store where the music was coming from, "Come, I'll show you," Dazai urged, his gaze full of excitement and a playful sparkle in his eyes.
At first, Chuuya resisted and flatly refused. "I don't dance, Shitty Dazai, I'm not as ridiculous as you," he protested, crossing his arms and trying to keep his composure.
But Dazai was not deterred. He was jumping and spinning to the beat of the music in the middle of the dirty and empty alley, as if he had turned it into his own dance floor, radiating pure happiness. Clearly, his emotions were back in control of him instead of the other way around, but Dazai couldn't care less about that right now.
"Chuuya needs to let go! I promise it's a lot of fun!" Dazai urged, with a wide, enthusiastic smile, "Or is Slug afraid that I'll dance better than him?"
“Hah?! You move like a rag with limp limbs, obviously I can do it better than you” Chuuya complained, and it took him a lot of effort to hide a smile at the image he saw in front of him, but he succeeded.
Dazai spun to his feet, his coat billowing with the spin.
"Then show me, Slug"
Reluctantly, Chuuya finally gave in. He accepted Dazai's outstretched hand and allowed himself to be led into the center of the alley. As the music filled the air, Dazai and Chuuya began to move in sync, letting the rhythm wash over them.
She said “Ooh-hoo
Shut up and dance with me!
His movements were clumsy at first, but little by little, Chuuya was carried away by Dazai's contagious spirit. The brunette took the redhead's hand and gave it a spin. Their bodies moved in unison, jumping and turning like two fools. Laughter and smiles lit up their faces as they were immersed in the pure joy that only music could bring.
At that moment, the outside world and the worries that surrounded them did not matter; neither Chuuya's doubts nor Dazai's panic, there was only them and the happiness they shared in that impromptu dance.
As the song drew to a close, Dazai and Chuuya stopped, gasping and laughing together. They looked at each other, their eyes shining knowingly.
"Chuuya see? The music feels!" Dazai said, his voice full of emotion, "It's wonderful!"
"You are an idiot, mackerel, but sometimes, you are a charming idiot" Chuuya sighed, unable to resist the smile that formed on her lips.
Dazai looked at him in surprise, but laughed, still tingling from the remnants of the euphoric feeling the upbeat song left him.
Now, a panoramic image, just so you know what the few passers-by who passed by saw from the outside: Two figures. A short man dressed in black with a hat and a very tall man covered in bandages and laughing like a child, both in the light of the street lamps, acting as if, for a moment, the world belonged to them.
And finally, here is something that neither they nor the passers-by knew: That moment is too close to over.
Notes:
How is it possible that someone who loves heavy angst so much is able to write so much fluff? I don't know, it's beyond my own understanding. Maybe I've decided to be nice to Dazai before everything painful happens to him that I've planned for him in the next half of the fic, who knows 👀👀
Now, some keywords for the next chapters, not necessarily in order of appearance: Rain. Bandages. Akutagawa. Anger. Cemetery. Movies. Love. Cold.
Finally, what did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. I post a new chapter every saturday so see you next saturday <3
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
Chapter 10: “10”
Summary:
Dazai and Chuuya start the day with a nightmare, an argument, and rain. Then, they end the day with a difficult conversation, a movie, and a bit about the definition of love.
In the background, some important calls go unanswered.
Notes:
TW: For references to self-harm and child abuse. Nothing explicit, but I mention it anyway.
Definition of this chapter: 50% fluff, 50% angst, not necessarily in that order. Enjoy it.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Dazai is having a nightmare.
He used to have them quite a bit in the past, but back then, before he lost No Longer Human, the nightmares didn't affect him that much. He'd wake up feeling empty, shaky, an echo of fear he couldn't fully feel, and then his ability nullified everything. Now, however, for him a nightmare has become much more than just an echo of passing fear.
Dazai almost hates being able to feel the need to sleep now, because it makes it inevitable for him to do so. And everything in his messed up brain seems to go haywire, leading him to the darkest places of his mind when he slept.
It's somewhat frustrating. He had been so good before this, before sleeping: Both he and Chuuya came walking to Chuuya's apartment, and ate something (crepes, to be specific, and that's how Dazai found out why they're Kyoka's favorite), and Chuuya, taking advantage of Dazai's enthusiasm for music, showed him some of his favorite songs, which were a bit heavier and louder than the pop songs Dazai had loved so much, but still the brunette enjoyed the way they did him wanting to shake his head and break some things (he didn't do the latter, but only because Chuuya caught the plate Dazai threw before it crashed, and then made Dazai float in the empty space between the floor and ceiling for too long long).
With all that, Dazai hadn't found a moment to ask Chuuya about the movie Naomi had recommended him to see, Howl's Moving Castle, but that had been fine anyway, because he would ask Chuuya about seeing it tomorrow. For the first time, Dazai felt that he had time, and that time wasn't a weight, but something he could use, something he could come to like.
And then they went to sleep, and the territory of dreams was definitely even more unmanageable than the territory of emotions, so Dazai was trapped in a nightmare that's more of a memory, and it's consuming him as the damn lava of a volcano consumes everything:
Dazai is lying on a cold metal table, bound hand and foot, exposed. Mori stands over him with a scalpel and a cruel smile. Dazai wants to squirm, to scream for help, but the memory Dazai doesn't budge an inch, after all, he's been trained not to respond or react to physical pain and No Longer Human overrides any emotional reaction too quickly. Now, Dazai feels the stinging pain of every torture, every wound inflicted on his body. A feeling of helplessness and hopelessness washes over him as he relives the moments of agony Mori inflicted on him over and over again. Each cry of pain becomes an echo in his mind, echoing in the void.
As Dazai screams and thrashes and Mori smashes him against the table, his blood turns into Akutagawa's, his screams into those of the people he hurt. Dazai falls. He falls and falls and falls and when he looks down, there is Odasaku and all the blood is his, and Odasaku is gone, slipping from Dazai like blood between his fingers and he says "nothing will fill the void in you"
Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing-
The nightmare wraps around Dazai like a cold, suffocating embrace. He jerks awake, his breathing ragged and his heart pounding in his chest. Sweat drenches his forehead, and mixes with the tears that run down his cheeks like the flow of a river. Dazai wakes up and before his brain can tell the rest of him that he's fine, that it was just a dream, the brunette starts to scream.
Chuuya wakes up to Dazai's screams. He jerks upright, his instincts shaking off the remaining traces of sleep so he can react quickly to possible danger.
It's Dazai. Dazai is screaming, why-? What is it-?
"Dazai" Chuuya called, alarmed, turning his head to face him and meeting the trembling brunette, his initial scream now exchanged for moans and sobs, "Dazai! What's wrong? What do you have?"
Chuuya tries to catch Dazai in his arms, it's an instinctive reaction, to protect him, calm him down, contain him, but Dazai is squirming too much, like he's fighting something.
"Please, please, Chuuya, get him...get him off me..." Dazai sobs, sounding desperate, and Chuuya freezes in place, blue eyes wide with horror at the implication those words suggest. What...?
Wherever Dazai thinks he is, Chuuya needs to remind him that he's not there. Now.
As Dazai gasps and squirms, muttering a few more things (mostly babbles that the redhead can't make out), Chuuya raises his hand and uses his anti-gravity ability to make the blinds fall, heavy, against the ground, and the light from the morning light up the room completely. Immediately afterwards, the executive focuses all his attention on Dazai: he takes the brown-haired man by the shoulders, facing him, and looks for his gaze, fucking worried.
"Dazai! Dazai, you're fine, it's me, Chuuya. You're in my apartment. There's no one else here, just you and me, I promise. No one's hurting you, mackerel, I wouldn't let them, remember?" Chuuya tries, desperate to bring Dazai back, "It was a nightmare, just a nightmare, everything is fine now"
"No," Dazai sobs, though at least he seems to have calmed down and recognized where he is, "it's not okay," he mutters, looking exhausted, scared, tears staining his cheeks. Chuuya still can't get used to Dazai crying, but he doesn't think that's just because he finds it weird, but rather because he could never get used to seeing Dazai like this, so broken down that it physically hurts, and not be able to help him.
Chuuya stops thinking when Dazai, looking defeated, not daring to meet the redhead's eyes, simply flopped forward, his forehead against Chuuya's shoulder, his brown hair tickling Chuuya's neck. It's not a particularly comfortable position: Chuuya is awkwardly positioned in front of Dazai, half kneeling with Dazai's legs between his knees, and now, with this new position, he's playing with his balance. But that couldn't matter less to him right now.
There are many questions that Chuuya has stuck in his throat, things that need to be discussed between the two of them, but Dazai, with his hesitant breath against the redhead's shoulder, looks so defeated, and Chuuya is… he has a lot of mixed feelings.
There are many things they need to talk about, but for this moment, Chuuya just slowly raised one of his hands up to Dazai's head and gently stroked his fingers through his hair.
They both need a moment.
Dazai's hands are shaking around the cup of tea that he's holding with both hands, they're shaking so much that a few drops of hot tea are splashing on his hands, and it hurts, but that's okay. Pain is still useful, if nothing else, to keep him grounded in the real world. Although it would be even more helpful if his hands weren't shaking to begin with.
Damn stupid emotions.
Dazai needs, he really needs, to control himself, so that he can put behind him the horrible nightmare and the even more horrible feeling that choked him when he woke up screaming. For a fleeting moment, the brunette wishes to recover No Longer Human, so that he can nullify all the pain, fear and all those horrible and paralyzing emotions. So that Dazai's damn hands stop shaking.
However, the brunette discards that fleeting desire almost immediately when Chuuya very gently places his hands on his and very slowly takes the cup from his hands.
"Here, let me put this damn stupid thing somewhere else" Chuuya says, referring to the teacup, and Dazai appreciates the redhead's attempt to blame the cup instead of Dazai's own for the mess.
A small glow of warmth, very fleeting, appears on the brunette's chest at Chuuya's gesture. It's too small for Dazai to hold on to (unfortunately), but nonetheless it reminds him how empty his despicable attempt at life was with No Longer Human nullifying almost every aspect of it.
Dazai doesn't want No Longer Human back. Never. No matter how much his emotions hurt now.
The brunette thinks about trying to divert Chuuya's attention again so that he doesn't try to get Dazai to talk about what happened in the morning (or rather, both when he was sleeping and in the morning when he woke up), but he doesn't. Seem to divert his attention will don't work this time. Chuuya seems very serious now, determined, restless. Dazai doesn't like the way he looks at him, so worried, so…inquisitive.
Still, he tries anyway: "Is Slug going to fight for me against that teacup?" he asks, cocking his head slightly, trying not to let his emotions interfere with his facade and failing.
But Chuuya doesn't go into a funny rage or return the joke with an insult, he just looks at Dazai with his very serious blue eyes and says, "We have to talk, Dazai, seriously. Now."
Dazai's poor attempt at a smile is immediately wiped away and his gaze drifts to the window. The sunlight is gone, replaced by gray clouds.
"Talk? What should we-?"
"Dazai." Chuuya bites, more abrupt than he intended.
Dazai shudders slightly (stupid emotions).
Chuuya holds the bridge of his nose with his fingers and takes a deep breath. He tries again, more patient: "Dazai" the redhead repeats, much softer this time, "I need to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me."
"I don't think so..."
The redhead continues before Dazai can stop him: "These nightmares, these panic attacks... Tell me, Dazai, do they have anything to do with why you left the Port Mafia?"
Dazai tenses. His heart races, but not in a pretty way. He vaguely misses the times when he could force his heart to beat however he wanted.
"I don't want to do this," he mumbles, his fists clenched against his sides where he's sitting on the bed, his eyes covered by his bangs.
Chuuya faces him standing with his back to the door. The distance between them is now not only physical, it has become even heavier in the space of intangible things.
"It's so, isn't it?" Chuuya answers for Dazai. Apparently, Dazai's body language has been enough of a response, giving him away anyway.
Dazai feels like his heart is squeezed and his lungs are scratched from the inside just thinking about the answers to Chuuya's questions, the idea of verbalizing them is... it's too much...
You are selfish, so selfish. Don't you think Chuuya deserves an answer? Don't you think you owe him that?
His thoughts are fighting against his emotions, and isn't that the synonym of self-destruction?
"Dazai. I'm asking you please, do you hear me, idiot?" Chuuya tried, his voice a mix of frustration with hints of desperation, "I know it's hard. I want to help you, but to do it I need you to talk to me, dammit"
Dazai took a deep breath. Or he tried, because his breath sounded shaky around the edges. Just yesterday, in Yosano's infirmary, Dazai had gone over all the reasons why he couldn't tell Chuuya any of this. Fear clawed at him, and it was like water flooding his lungs and claws tearing at them, all at once.
Chuuya deserves you to try.
Oh, and there was empathy, what a cruel double-edged sword.
"Mackerel?" Chuuya sounds pleading. Chuuya should never sound pleading, not to Dazai.
Dazai closed his eyes briefly, just for a split second, resisting the urge to say I'm coming, give me a minute. When he opened them again, he still kept looking at the window instead of Chuuya.
"I…" he swallowed. Saying it out loud would change things, saying it out loud would mean admitting that it hurt, that it hurt so much, that he was so fed up that he wasn't sure he had a chance of being fixed, but also that he desperately wanted to be a being again complete human. That if ever, before No Longer Human and Mori, Dazai had really been one, "The nightmares... is..." it hurts it hurts it hurts, how is it possible that a memory, something that is not happening in present time, can it hurt as if it were? Dazai chooses his next words in the most calculated way his overwhelmed mind allows, “There are things that happened to me, things that were really b- not so good things. They had hurt but I didn't know that, and now that my ability is gone... It hurts, it hurts like it's happening to me again for the first time"
It was true, but at the same time it was non-specific enough that Dazai didn't have to bring up the specific memories that hurt until he felt like screaming. Not yet, at least.
If Dazai had looked at Chuuya at that moment, he would have seen the concern and empathy in his blue eyes. He would have seen, too, the icy despair and the warm desire to help. But Dazai didn't look at Chuuya because if he did, he wasn't sure he could keep talking.
"This…things" Chuuya tried, "Dazai, did it happen to you in the mafia?"
Dazai nodded very slowly.
"Why did you leave the mafia, Dazai?"
There were two possible answers to that question, and both were technically equally true: The longest one would talk about how it started, when Mori picked Dazai up from the streets like he was an ownerless toy and decided that he would be his, and that, by Therefore, he was going to mold it to his whim. Would talk about the torture, the training, the surgeries (always without anesthesia), the touches of soft hands and so so dangerous. Would talk about Mori's threats towards the few things Dazai cared about. Would talk about how, after all that, Dazai was on a fine line, empty, alone except for Odasaku (Mori had taken it upon himself that year to send Chuuya on as many solo missions as he could, so it's not like Dazai could tell him). And there was Ango, but Dazai didn't have the energy to also think about Ango right now. So Odasaku. Odasaku was important and Mori knew it. Odasaku, whose death would have been only the final trigger behind hundreds of accumulated reasons to walk away that had no force on their own because Dazai could not feel more than the echoes of what they made him feel.
Then the shortest answer would come, the reason is also real, although simplified, but no less true for that:
"Because he killed Odasaku"
There it is: the pain, the anguish, the guilt, the anger, the fear. Pain pain pain.
Chuuya's expression crinkled, as if that had not been the answer he expected. Chuuya knew of Oda Sakunosuke's death, of course. The redhead was out of the country on a solo mission at the time, but found out when he got back. Dazai was already gone by then. Chuuya knew that Oda was Dazai's best friend (he used to feel a bit jealous of the man in those days), and he knows how much it hurts to lose a friend, it's just... This doesn't explain it. Dazai resents the Port Mafia, but the Port Mafia doesn't...
"Are you talking about mimic?" The redhead asks, almost foolishly.
"I'm talking about Mori," Dazai corrected, and shit, saying that name made him feel like his mouth was full of thick blood, "He killed Odasaku"
Because of me.
"Dazai, you're wrong, I read the report. It was the mimic leader who-"
Dazai looked at him now. His eyes were for the first time a storm instead of a great void.
"No, Chuuya, you don't understand. Mori planned Odasaku's death. He leaked the location of his orphans so that mimic would kill them. He knew that then Odasaku would go fight Mimic and he… and he…" Dazai choked a sobbed.
"Why would he have done that?" And oh, is that disbelief there, right in Chuuya's voice?
"So that I would leave the Port Mafia" Dazai replies, holding himself in the rage of that memory to get the words out.
"That's ridiculous, Dazai. Mori never wanted you out of the mafia. Hell, he's still trying to get you to come back to us, why would he-?"
Dazai shook his head, feeling a horrifying chill creep up his spine and like a million shards of ice digging into his back in the process.
"You don't know Mori, Chuuya, not like me, he is-"
Bad? Is that what you were going to say? Aren't you too? After all, he made you.
"Wait, Dazai, stop for a minute. I'm not saying Mori is a saint, but I do know him. He's a good leader, and you were valuable, you were his closest executive, he wouldn't have-"
"God, Chuuya, you're so stupid! How can you be so stupid?!" Dazai snapped. He regretted it as soon as he said it, so real and not like a joke, but it was too late to take it back. He had never said things without thinking before, had never lashed out in anger. Impulsiveness is a matter of emotions, Dazai understands now. That knowledge doesn't make him feel any better, "Chuuya..."
But Chuuya's gaze has already hardened.
"I'm not the one who made this up to lie to himself and abandon us"
"I don't-" Dazai choked on the words, "I didn't abandon them. I'm not lying. Chuuya, the mafia you know was never..." was never the mafia I knew, Dazai wants to say, but he can't make it. Chuuya's gaze, so suddenly cold, makes the brunette stumble over his own words, "I couldn't go on there, Mori was never going to-"
He was never going to stop. He was never going to let me go again.
"Mori is loyal to his own"
His staff, perhaps, not his toys. The toys are for play only, after all.
"I Wasn't one of theirs"
"I can't believe the boss-"
"You asked me, Chuuya. You were the one who asked, but you're not even listening to me! I'm trying to say that-" Dazai yelled, desperate. Bursting hurt like sandpaper against the vocal cords.
"Maybe I'm too stupid to listen, don't you think?" Chuuya cut him off, lashing out, his voice heavy with irony, an echo of Dazai's own words earlier.
Dazai covered his face with his hands in despair. His palms grew moist against his cheeks.
"You don't understand" he muttered in a strangled voice.
"No," Chuuya growled, "I guess I don't."
Chuuya, in a fit, leaves the room with firm steps and closes the door with a loud slam. The noise makes Dazai flinch and tears fall silently down his face.
Dazai knew this was going to happen, and he can't even blame Chuuya for hesitating: Mori has always been the ideal leader that Chuuya aspires to make, that fictional image has been ingrained in his mind for a long time, and he not going to erase it out of his mind just like that. Besides, the emotions were so many and all so bad that Dazai can't even blame him for not sticking around to listen to more of his disjointed babble.
Dazai doesn't blame him, it's true, but his reaction still hurts like the worst of rejections. Dazai wanted to explain to him, he wanted to tell him that he didn't want to leave without saying goodbye, that the bomb in his car was to protect him. He wanted to tell him that Ane-san never took care of Dazai the way she took care of Chuuya, that Mori marked Akutagawa's mistakes on Dazai's skin, that Hirotsu sometimes picked him up from the ground and gave him a towel to wipe the blood off but he never questioned the reasons. who left Dazai like this, even though the old man knew them perfectly. He wanted Chuuya to understand that no one else in the Port Mafia really got close to him except for Odasaku, because they all knew that Dazai was Mori's toy, because that's how it had to be.
He wanted to tell him what Odasaku's last wish had been, too.
Dazai couldn't say any of that and now he's drowning here.
This is what Dazai does, isn't it? Ruin all the things he care about more.
The silence of the room is filled with Dazai's anguish and sorrow, who is left alone with his thoughts and regrets. The locked door is a tangible symbol of the rift that has formed between him and Chuuya, and the sense of loss grows even deeper in his wounded heart.
Dazai has a probably childish and definitely useless thought, but the accompanying feelings are so strong that they convince his brain that it makes sense: I just want Odasaku.
So Dazai sneaks out and goes towards him.
Chuuya returns to his apartment after an hour of sinking into expensive wine and going through the floors of the building with his ability (he is tempted to escape to a bar, but doesn't because he still needs to take care of Dazai). The redhead feels the weight of his argument with Dazai on his shoulders like he's carrying an anvil.
With regret in his eyes, Chuuya stands in the middle of the hallway in front of the closed door of his own room, hesitating.
Chuuya didn't want to get angry like that. Chuuya shouldn't have been angry like that. Dazai was clearly vulnerable, and he was trying, he was really trying to answer Chuuya's questions, he was just overwhelmed.
Chuuya acted like a total jerk. He promised Dazai that he only wanted to help him, he asked him to please reply, and when Dazai did, all Chuuya did was argue with him.
It's just that what he said about Mori, Chuuya's boss, to whom Chuuya swore allegiance...
"You don't know Mori, Chuuya, not like me, he is-"
"Wait, Dazai, stop for a minute. I'm not saying Mori is a saint, but I do know him. He's a good leader, and you were valuable, you were his closest executive, he wouldn't have-"
"You are so stupid! How can you be so stupid?!"
The redhead doesn't care that Dazai calls him Stupid, they say that to each other at least twenty times a day. But the way Dazai said it at that moment, so raw and real… Chuuya isn't going to lie, that hurt him.
And when something hurts him, Chuuya lashes out in response as if it were a primitive defensive instinct.
It was terrible. He now remembers Dazai's teary eyes and it hurts almost physically.
"You asked me, Chuuya. You were the one who asked, but you're not even listening to me!"
But Chuuya did hear him. That's the problem. He heard him, he just couldn't process what Dazai was telling him at that moment. However, now, he has had a long hour to process it.
Mori was the one who had hurt Dazai so much? Chuuya's boss? The leader that Chuuya had admired since joining the Port Mafia?
It was impossible that- No, it wasn't. It seemed impossible at the time Dazai said it, but in reality...it really isn't.
It was just hard to reconcile Chuuya's image of his boss with the things Dazai hinted at, but once you looked at it objectively...
For starters, Dazai wasn't lying to Chuuya (Chuuya really needs to apologize for saying he was making it up, even though he only said it to hurt, in response to his own hurt, and not because he really believed it), he was panicking and desperate and there was not a hint of a lie in his expression or his voice.
And there's also Dazai's irrational fear of doctors and everything related to them. If you look at everything objectively, it ends up being like adding two plus two, right? Because Mori used to be the only doctor in Dazai's life. And if Mori believed Dazai was a threat... Wouldn't he have sent Chuuya away and then killed his only other connection in the Port Mafia, his best friend? That was much more Mori's style than just killing him, especially since the boss considered Dazai's ability too valuable to lose.
God, how did Chuuya not notice-?
The way Mori had touched Dazai in the past, as if he considered him an extension of himself. The many times when Mori would call Dazai to present a mission report of the duo without Chuuya, and Dazai would come back with more bandages than he had when he left. It was there, right? Right in front of his eyes.
And there is more, much more than just Oda Sakunosuke's provoked death, Chuuya is sure.
Damn, what the fuck did Mori do to Dazai?
Chuuya intends to convince Dazai that he is sorry for lashing out at him like an idiot, to convince him that he will listen to him this time, to tell him that he believes him, to ask him to tell him everything, explain him, because Chuuya believes him. Not to Mori, to Dazai.
The redhead knocks on the door (it's really strange and a bit ridiculous to be knocking on the door of his own room).
"Oi mackerel, it's me. May I come in?" Chuuya calls. Unanswered. He continues, "We both went crazy for a second, right? We do that a lot. I just... I want you to know that I believe you, okay? I'm sorry I implied that I don't. Do you want... do you want lunch? I'll order something for you and then you can tell me and I swear that if he hurt you I-
The door swings open with the weight of his palm on it.
And Dazai is not inside the room.
"Fuck" Chuuya mutters under his breath. Worry makes you want to break things. He bites his lower lip as his mind begins to connect the dots. Where could Dazai have gone? Worries wash over him as the rain falls outside, its drops hitting the window pane with a melancholy rhythm.
Of course, there are many options for where Dazai could have gone, even more so considering that the possibilities have been made unpredictable by the newfound presence of his emotions. However, Chuuya has only one option in mind right now. Chuuya likes to think that he knows Dazai as well as Dazai knows him, and therefore he thinks he's pretty sure where Dazai has gone.
Without a second thought, Chuuya runs out of the room, not caring for an umbrella or a coat (he doesn't need them, he has his own ability to protect himself from the rain, although it's a bit frivolous use of it). The urgency of finding Dazai outweighs any personal precaution. The wet streets and the sound of water hitting the pavement barely stop him from his frantic run.
Fortunately, the cemetery is not too far from the departmental building.
Dazai's thoughts raced through his mind as he walked through the graveyard. The argument with Chuuya still rang in his ears, the words spoken in the heat of the fight. He was overwhelmed by a mixture of emotions: frustration, anger, sadness... fear.
The raindrops fell softly, but looking at the sky it was certain that this would not last long. The rain would definitely start to fall more heavily very soon. It's not like Dazai cared about any of that, not with everything he had on his mind and heart right now.
Odasaku's tombstone was as usual: some dried flowers and an empty glass of whiskey. However, when Dazai stood in front of it, it felt like seeing Odasaku's tombstone again as if it was the first time.
No, it felt more like Dazai was holding Odasaku's body in his arms again as if it were the first time. The blood on his hands, Odasaku's hand on his cheek, the burning need to fill that horrible hole in his stomach with anything, tears, screams, something to show how important Odasaku was.
However, now Dazai could cry.
The drops hit his face and mixed with his tears, hidden by the rain. Dazai closed his eyes, allowing the storm to wash over him as his emotions boiled over.
"Odasaku..." he murmured, and perhaps it was saying his name that broke him.
Dazai fell to his knees in front of the grave, all the beautiful memories with Odasaku, all the things the man had taught him, all bathed in blood, distorted by a cold, terrible pain, taut as a guitar string about to break.
Dazai screamed heartbreakingly, feeling the full weight of the loss for the first time. His hands rested against the cold surface of the tomb, as if Odasaku were right there, dying in his arms once more. Over and over again.
The sound of his crying mingled with the sound of falling rain, a symphony of pain and despair. Dazai let all the pent up emotions come out, releasing years of sadness he never imagined could hurt like this, like a part of his body being ripped off.
God, how it hurt. It didn't feel like it would ever stop hurting.
At least, he thought, with his forehead resting against the tombstone and his entire body drenched in rain, at least I can finally suffer like someone as good as Odasaku deserved to the people suffer for his death.
The thought, however, did not ease the pain at all.
It doesn't take Chuuya that long to find Dazai. The truth is that it took him longer to realize that Dazai was gone to begin with.
The rain fell relentlessly on the cemetery, forming puddles on the sodden ground. Chuuya, with a heart full of worry, searches for Dazai among the graves, following his instincts until he finally found him. There he was, Dazai, completely drenched in the rain, asleep and leaning against Odasaku's tombstone.
The image tore at Chuuya's heart.
"Dazai!" the redhead quickly approached Dazai, kneeling next to him and placing a soft hand on his cheek, patting him there to wake him up, "Dazai, oi, wake up"
Gently, Chuuya wrapped his own jacket around Dazai's trembling and wet body, then wrapped them both with his ability to make the rain stop falling on Dazai (advantages of No Longer Human no longer being there to nullify it).
Dazai blinked, slow to react, and his eyes met Chuuya's. Through the confusion of drowsiness and the pain in his chest, Dazai could see the worry in his partner's eyes, and he felt that he didn't deserve any of it.
"You don't need to others worried about you, Dazai-kun, worry is for humans"
"I worry about you Dazai, because I am your friend. Worry is not something you have to win."
The voices of Mori and Odasaku fought in his mind.
Odasaku won this time.
"'m sorry, Chuuya, I didn't mean...to ruin us" he apologized weakly, feeling vulnerable and fragile.
Chuuya, without hesitation, quickly replied, "Don't say that shit, mackerel. You didn't ruin anything up, do you understand? I'm the one who should apologize." His words were soft and full of concern, trailing a trail of guilt.
Dazai, now leaning against Chuuya instead of the tombstone, stifled a sob, "It hurts, Chuuya," he whispered shakily, his voice heavy with sadness and despair. "How is it possible that it hurts so much?"
Chuuya was speechless at the suffering in Dazai's voice. But that wasn't bad, because the executive had always been more of a man of actions than words anyway. So instead of answering, he stopped and wrapped himself around Dazai in a strong, comforting hug, the warmth of For the tainted sorrow kindling around them.
This was the first time they had hugged as in, practically in the entire time they had known each other.
It was a new and strange gesture for both of them, but Chuuya wished with all his being that it was enough to tell Dazai that Chuuya will still there, that he wouldn't leave because they were in this together. Both. Partners, as always.
Dazai, surprised at first, was soon swept away by the comforting sensation of Chuuya's embrace. It was warm as all good things are, and Dazai found in Chuuya's arms a kind of temporary refuge. They remained like that for a moment that could have lasted hours or minutes; Dazai simply hidden in Chuuya's arms and the redhead wrapped around him, protective.
Hugs were comforting, Dazai discovered. They were good. And when Chuuya hugged him, he didn't have to think of the right way to reciprocate, because Chuuya wasn't expecting him to. Chuuya had always known him too well, but that doesn't sound as bad as it used to.
Finally, Chuuya broke the hug long enough to look at Dazai and say softly, "Come, let's take you home."
Home, what a strange word, Chuuya didn't even notice the way he pronounced it, and Dazai was too emotionally drained to notice. However, the word fit perfectly between them, as if it were the only possible word to use.
Dazai nodded with a ragged sigh in response, allowing Chuuya to help him to his feet. Although his body was numb from the cold, the brunette felt some comfort in Chuuya's warm and protective touch. Their steps were slow but steady as they headed towards the exit of the graveyard, Chuuya enveloping him in the red energy of his ability and keeping a steady arm around Dazai's waist, like an anchor in the storm.
They left the cemetery. It was the first time Dazai didn't go out alone after visiting his friend. He hoped that Odasaku would be happy about it.
Goodbye Odasaku.
Dazai was sitting on the closed toilet, dripping water onto the floor from how wet it was. He had taken off his coat, but otherwise stood still, hugging himself as if to shield himself from the outside world, a decidedly futile effort.
Chuuya approached Dazai with a towel in hand, his gaze filled with concern. Gently, he began to dry Dazai's wet hair with a towel, his movements careful and gentle. It puzzled Dazai, even though it shouldn't have. The silence was heavy in the air, while both were submerged in their thoughts.
"I have dry clothes for you. In your size this time, because you're a fucking giant, mackerel" Chuuya offered, though he kept his voice soft.
Dazai smiled, small and a little absent, but the smile was there nonetheless.
"Chuuuu-ya. So kiiind," he hummed absently, shaking a little.
"I'm not. I screwed up pretty much before, right?" Chuuya spoke, testing ground.
Oh, so they were going to talk about it.
Dazai looked up at the ceiling and the towel on his head covered his eyes.
"I screwed up first," he informed solemnly.
Chuuya took the towel from Dazai's eyes and, taking advantage of the fact that Dazai was sitting down, he looked down at him.
"Do you really want to compete for that?"
"It's not a competition if I know I'm going to win, Chibi" the brunette replied softly.
Chuuya sighed, knelt down, and began to undo Dazai's soaked shirt, one button at a time. Dazai could remove his wet clothes perfectly by himself, but he still didn't stop Chuuya when he took over. It turned out that sometimes, it was almost a relief not to be in control of everything all the time.
"I ruin everything I care about, it's... like I'm destined to lose the things I care about the moment I get them" Dazai muttered, remembering with cold clarity that the other two people he had said to these words had been lost too. At his words, Chuuya's hands stopped on the last button of the brunette's shirt for an instant, "It's my curse, so I win"
Chuuya shook his head in frustration, undoing the last button, pulling Dazai's shirt off his shoulders and tossing it to the side, along with his vest and coat.
"That's not true, mackerel..."
"How would Chuuya know?" Dazai asked, soft, light, not intending to lash out, he was too exhausted for that now.
"I'm still here, am I not?"
Dazai looked at him at that, blinking very slowly, and asked softly, "You do? Still?" Evidently, what he was asking was not about Chuuya being here in front of him, but about her presence (and the promise of her continued presence) on a much deeper level.
"Yet. I'm not going anywhere, idiot. And you have nothing to say about it."
Dazai's breath was momentarily cut off, the noise of the distant rain and the hum of the heater that Chuuya had installed in the bathroom so that Dazai wouldn't catch a cold were barely registered by the brunette above the noise of his own heart.
Chuuya was open to Dazai, offering honesty, offering reassurance. Dazai allowed himself to be wrapped in that security and decided to return his honesty in return.
"Odasaku died in my arms" he whispered, his voice no higher than a breath, but the redhead heard it anyway, "And his last words were…" Dazai stopped, took a deep breath and continued. Fortunately, he had run out of tears for the moment (crying at Odasaku's grave had hurt like few things, but it made Dazai feel lighter now), "To join the side of light. May I do good. He said the world would look a little more beautiful then."
Chuuya nodded slowly. "I understand"
"You do?"
"The light suits you, Dazai"
Dazai smiled at that, soft and sweet, and murmured, "I hope so."
Chuuya wrapped a towel around Dazai's still bandaged shoulders and tried: "Mori did, right? He took him from you"
Dazai tensed. "I know you admire him. I didn't expect you to-"
"But I do. I believe you" Chuuya promised firmly, "I heard you before and I'll listen to you now. Damn it, I hear you"
Dazai breathed in, slow and deep, and then told Chuuya of Mori's plan for Odasaku's death, the planned betrayal, the isolation in which he had carefully imprisoned Dazai, little by little, over the last year. He even went further and told him the truth about the car: "Mori knew that I cared about you. Better than me, I think. I didn't want any suspicion to fall on you." And Chuuya listened in silence, every word, and anger built up in him before he could stop it, anger against Mori, who did all that. Mori who knew what No Longer Human did to Dazai and exploited every bit of it. Anger in the name of Dazai. Because Chuuya had Anne-san, and he had his own ability, and Dazai had none of that, just a boss who didn't seem to think of him as a person.
"The mafia wasn't the same for me as it was for you, Chuuya" Dazai murmured at the end, "It never was"
Chuuya nodded, trying not to look angry, so Dazai wouldn't think his anger was directed at him, because it wasn't. All that anger was for the person Chuuya was supposed to admire. His world seemed to wobble and stumble forward like a bloody tower of cards: The Port Mafia was still his family, of course; Anne-san, Tachihara, the Akutagawa brothers, his squad. But the boss...
Chuuya feels the rage burning inside him like wildfire. He's holding his rage off, for now, because right now his priority is Dazai, but he's not sure what he'll do about it later.
In the end, he answers Dazai:"I know, mackerel. I understand now"
Dazai looked at him with wide eyes, vulnerable and uncertain, but also filled with relief.
"You do" Dazai said, not as a question, but more as a statement, as if he were confirming the fact to himself.
And then, the brunette visibly shivered, probably from the cold that he was still wearing all those wet bandages.
Chuuya stood up and turned the heater up one level, then he went back to Dazai's side. Chuuya's hand reached out and gently grasped Dazai's wrist with his fingers. He was about to take a leap of faith, an attempt that could send them both forward or brutally backward.
"Dazai, can I… Would you let me… remove your wet bandages?" Chuuya offered, though it sounded more like a request than an offer, "I can help."
Dazai felt the burst of insecurity and embarrassment in his chest almost as if it were a physical reaction. They were followed by fear and the need to hide and push Chuuya away. However, Dazai crushed all those emotions. As he said before, he is tired. And Dazai has already exposed himself so much to Chuuya without the redhead leaving him, what's a little more?
"Chuuya are you sure you can bear the sight of all my beautiful scars?" the brunette asks, using humor as a shield. The actual question, below, gives Chuuya one last chance to repent.
Chuuya, however, keeps his expression impassive, though his eyes show concern and oh, is that longing there, behind the blue?
"Don't be funny, idiot. You know I don't care what you look like." Chuuya snorts, playing along with Dazai, giving him a bit of normality here, "I'll help, if you let me, mackerel."
"Okay," Dazai mutters, small and exposed. In the back of his mind, a voice much like Odasaku's reminds him that it's okay to give control to someone else once in a while.
Dazai leans over to Chuuya and allows him to carefully remove the wet bandages, unwinding first the ones on his arms, then the ones on his torso, and so on down...
It's not the first time that Chuuya has seen his scars, he has seen portions of them when Dazai was injured in their joint missions and Chuuya had to remove some portions of Dazai's bandages to help him, however, never completely. This is different, it's more, it's everything. It's intimate in a way that makes Dazai reel in the whirlwind of emotions it causes him, and Chuuya hold his breath.
Dazai tries not to look at his scars, so as not to get lost in the memories they bring back to him and the feelings these memories bring to him, nor to Chuuya. Instead, he concentrates on the way Chuuya's fingers brush against his skin, carefully removing the wet bandages.
As the bandages come off, the scars on Dazai's skin are revealed. Chuuya remains silent, remaining calm and impassive on the outside, but his eyes examine each mark intently, inside him a whirlwind of unanswered questions: There are scars upon scars and he can't help but wonder who did this to Dazai, because there is no way that all those scars are self-inflicted or the product of injuries in the missions (of the latter Chuuya recognizes several of their joint missions, some that he himself patched up for Dazai). Some of these scars are incredibly precise, and Chuuya knows of only one knife that can be that precise: a scalpel.
Mori's shadow loomed over them, and Chuuya couldn't ignore it. Even if he wanted to.
Chuuya is sure that there is something more to this. Something else Dazai isn't telling him, something about Mori and these scars. However, he also knows that this conversation had been a significant breakthrough, and it's been a tough day, so the redhead decides not to push Dazai for now. He could only say, "You can tell me, if Mori hurt you. I think you were right before. I don't think I know him at all. And I promise, If him..."
Dazai takes Chuuya's hand, stopping him before he finishes that thought. It's a dangerous thought.It's better not to finish it at all.
Chuuya takes a deep breath and murmurs: "I'm sorry"
Dazai took a deep breath, in return. His skin, his soul, naked in front Chuuya. In front Chuuya, who doesn't say anything about his scars, like always. In front Chuuya, who doesn't judge Dazai, like always. He nods gently at him, answering, "I'll do, just…not now."
And he meant it, Dazai discovered, surprised at himself. He's willing to tell Chuuya everything (preferably in a controlled environment where he could stop Chuuya from going crazy and doing something impulsive like attacking the mob boss and leaving the mob in anarchy, that's it).
Emotions hurt, he thought, but they're good too. Because the relief that the brunette feels now, having spoken, and the security he feels being with Chuuya... Both things are a thousand times better than when his emptiness used to encompass everything.
Chuuya sighs and nods, not pressing further. Instead, he appreciates this moment for what it is: something valuable.
The redhead stands up and tosses the wet bandages into the trash, then leans over to the shower and turns on the water, looking for the right temperature.
"Come on, Shitty Dazai. Let's give you a shower so you stop smelling like a stinky mackerel."
It's good, Dazai reminds himself, to let someone else be in control for once. That feels surprisingly good.
Yes, it fits as well as the right key turned right into the center of Dazai's heart.
Although fast food goes against Chuuya's good and sophisticated tastes, this turns out to be the best option at the moment, considering the circumstances.
(Circumstances: Chuuya doesn't want to cook, Dazai can't cook, and none of them have the energy to try anyway)
The food is especially necesary, considering that Dazai has already missed two out of three meals a day (keeping up with three meals a day is hard even if you can feel hungry, it seems), and Chuuya hasn't done much better either.
It's been a long day, but Chuuya, even though he would like to avoid Dazai's suffering, doesn't regret a thing, because the truth is that he had never felt as so close to Dazai before as he does now, after today.
Chuuya took his phone and started browsing a food delivery app. He glanced at Dazai: The brunette is sitting on the sofa, hidden under a blanket, warm and safe and wearing new bandages that Chuuya wrapped around him. It's a good image, it makes Chuuya smile involuntarily.
"Oi Dazai, what do you feel like eating?" Chuuya asked him with a slight smile.
Dazai leaned out of the blanket to look at Chuuya with interest (like a puppy, Chuuya thought, though that comparison would definitely offend Dazai greatly), hunger turning his stomach. Emotion no longer exploded within him like the first time, mainly because it seemed Dazai was finally adjusting to the presence of his emotions enough not to burst into euphoria or tears at every little thing. He felt happy and grateful to Chuuya anyway, and a little tired underneath it all.
"Chibi can surprise me, if he wants to" Dazai blinked, smiling softly and winking at Chuuya.
To tell the truth, Dazai felt closer than ever to Chuuya at this moment. He could still feel the redhead's fingertips, soft against the scars on his skin.
"Is that a challenge?" Chuuya's smile brightened, radiant.
"Did Chuuya ever doubt it?" Dazai replied, his smile turning into one more like his usual one.
"Consider it done."
After a few moments of searching, the redhead found a fast food restaurant and decided that it would be the perfect choice to cheer up both of them (especially Dazai's, since the brunette usually gets very happy when he eats). Chuuya placed the order through the app and sat next to Dazai on the sofa, facing the television. The air was filled with a strange calm, as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders for at least a moment.
"Okay, now that the food is on the way, how about we watch a movie?" Chuuya suggested, turning on the TV and opening the streaming app with the remote control.
"No animals dying," Dazai said too quickly. Too many emotions for one day, Dazai wasn't going to cry too for a fictional animal, not today.
Chuuya couldn't help it, he laughed. And then Dazai pouted and Chuuya laughed more.
"Nothing like Hachiko, I got it, poor baby mackerel," the redhead teased affectionately, "Okay, well, I'll give you the privilege of choosing this time."
"Chuuya is sooo benevolent," Dazai sneered.
“Do you want me to bury the remote between your eyes, Shitty Dazai, or do you want me to give it to you?” Chuuya growled.
Dazai, for all answer, extended his hands towards Chuuya. So cute.
Dazai remembers Naomi's advice from the day before and chooses to watch Howl's Moving Castle. The brunette apparently makes the mistake of asking Chuuya if he knows Studio Ghibli, which turns out to be, according to the redhead, a terribly offensive question because "Of course I know them, mackerel, I've seen all the movies, why who do you take me?" and "You have two options, either I bury the DVDs of the movies in your head or I force you to watch them all."
Chuuya, always so adorable.
So they switched from the streaming service to Chuuya's premium DVD collection. As Dazai searched and put the movie in the player (“if you break it, you pay for it, mackerel” “Slug seriously expect me to spend my month's salary on a DVD?”), Chuuya received the food order and placed it on the coffee table: It basically consisted of fried things and chocolate shakes.
The whole scene was so domestic… It made Chuuya's heart clench with longing for what he was never supposed to have, but now it almost seemed like he could reach it.
"Shitty Dazai, could you please stop trying to eat everything before the movie starts?"
"'m vefry hunfgryf," Dazai stated solemnly, his mouth full of food and his words distorted because of it.
"I can see that... Oi, the tempura shrimp is mine!"
"Chuuya needs to learn to share," Dazai hummed, eating a shrimp.
"You bastard-"
Finally, after a very intense fight over food, both settled next to each other on the couch and began to play the movie on television (which was obviously the latest generation) of Chuuya.
The movie started playing on the screen. The animation was beautiful from the very first image (Sophie sewing a hat) and Dazai was hooked quickly. For his part, Chuuya lies on the sofa, enjoying Dazai's company and the movie that, although he has seen it before, seeing it in the company of someone (in Dazai's company, to be precise) is like seeing it again for the first time.
At one point, Dazai plops down against Chuuya, leaning almost entirely on him. The redhead opens his mouth to complain (mostly to keep up appearances), but stops himself before doing so because Fuck it. So instead, Chuuya reaches out his arm, very stealthily (he swims stealthily, if the tenseness he moves is any proof of that), and wraps it around Dazai's shoulders.
In the final scene of the film "Howl's Moving Castle", the image on television shows Howl and Sophie, the main characters, gathered in a beautiful landscape, looking at each other with a wonderful gleam in their eyes, as if by a Instantly Howl's whole world was Sophie and Sophie's whole world was Howl.
Dazai, with a shocked expression on his face, stares at the screen intently, almost leaning into it. Throughout the film, beyond the plot, he has been watching the protagonists revolve around each other, involved in a romance that neither admits, complementing each other despite their differences. It sounds slightly familiar.
Dazai pulls away from where he's leaning against Chuuya to point at the screen. His curiosity and the novelty of the moment are probably the things that finally drive him to (as Naomi recommended) ask Chuuya: "That between them... Is that what love, Chibi? Falling in love?"
Chuuya bristles like a cat. The question catches him completely off guard: "Where the hell did that question come from, mackerel?"
"I'm trying to learn, slug," Dazai pointed out, which wasn't a lie, though there was obviously more to his question than just scientific curiosity, "Does Chuuya know what love is? Or how does being in love feel?"
See that smoke coming out of that redhead's head? Yes, that's Chuuya Nakahara suffering from a short circuit.
Chuuya is immediately flustered. His cheeks flush and his heart begins to beat faster. The innocent and direct way Dazai asks him those questions takes him by surprise (it doesn't help at all that Dazai looks so fucking cute and is so fucking close to Chuuya right now).
Also, the redhead can't help the tingle of hope that he feels fluttering in his chest: is Dazai thinking of things like love? Falling in love?
And what is Chuuya supposed to reply to him: "Obviously I know, idiot." or maybe... Read him the dictionary definition?
It doesn't help much that Chuuya recently admitted to himself his own feelings for Dazai. Falling in love... Of course Chuuya knows what that is; it's hateful, annoying, heartbreaking, totally out of the control of whom it happens to. But it's also warm in the way that you look at that person and that person looks back at you, in the way that you trust and that person trust you, and in the way that you long for it and... And fuck it.
Words have never been Chuuya's forte, he's much more of a man of action, as Dazai himself has mentioned many times before, so that's what he's going to do now: Take action.
"Chibi?"
Chuuya has been silent for too long. Dazai's dark eyes gaze at him, patiently waiting. Dazai is here, now, offering him the same confidence that Chuuya does, looking like everything Chuuya fucking wants.
The redhead is fucking in love with Dazai, it's that complicated and that simple. So here he goes.
Taking a deep breath, Chuuya lunges forward, determination in his eyes and inwardly apologizing to his fifteen-year-old self for this sacrilege.
Instead of explaining to Dazai what it's like to fall in love, Chuuya shows him. With soft but determined movements, Chuuya takes Dazai's face in his hands, leans down to close the distance, and finally kisses him. It's a sweet kiss but full of intensity and longing pent up for too long.
Dazai lets out a surprised gasp, his eyes wide, one of Chuuya's hands on his waist and the other on his face, gently caressing his cheek while kissing him as if Dazai were a treasure, as if he were a glass of water in the desert, like he was... like he was Dazai and that was all Chuuya wanted. Finally, Dazai closes his eyes and gives in to the kiss, his hands on Chuuya's chest, both clinging to the redhead's shirt tightly. Dazai gives in too and Chuuya leans closer to him to deepen the kiss, not understanding how he could resist for so long... being with Dazai and not doing this.
It's good, very good. Dazai knows how to move and he's sweet and he's better, better than Chuuya ever thought would be the only times he allowed himself to think about it. Like being on a roller coaster and at the same time on top of a Ferris wheel.
If there was a moment to do this, to throw himself off a cliff without a parachute towards the desire that Chuuya has been fighting against for too long, it must be today, after these days, at this moment.
Anyway, it's not the first time Chuuya has jumped off a cliff without a parachute for Dazai fucking Osamu. What is one more time?
Dazai finds himself in a whirlwind of emotions as Chuuya's lips merge with his in a kiss that awakens something deep within him. The feeling of Chuuya's soft and warm lips against his is completely new to him, and his mind is filled with a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that he has never experienced before. He's kissed before, never because he wanted to, only to (as Mori taught him) use his body for the convenience of a mission, and he's never felt anything more than the distant echo of discomfort that No Longer Human quickly crushed, but now, with Chuuya... Whoa... Woah.
It's warm and sweet and delicious and smooth and once Dazai has given himself over to it, he doesn't think he can ever get enough. The range of emotions that explode in his chest like fireworks at New Year's opens before him like a palette of oil colors, for Dazai to paint on whatever he wants, because they are wonderful, but it doesn't matter, because right now the only thing Dazai want is Chuuya, his Chuuya.
How come no one ever told his that kissing could feel this beautiful, like walking on clouds?
It's a comforting yet unfamiliar feeling, a spark of life and excitement that Dazai never thought he would experience. The sweetness of Chuuya's kiss envelops him, making him feel a connection and closeness that goes beyond anything he has felt before. Their hearts beat in unison, because Dazai's heartbeat has unconsciously adapted to Chuuya's heartbeat.
Chuuya breaks away first, which was probably the only possible option, as Dazai doesn't think he could have found the strength to break away himself. The redhead looks into his eyes, as if testing the ground, looking for signs in Dazai's face, and then he smiles, apparently pleased with what he sees.
Dazai, hungry and vibrant, leans against Chuuya, letting their foreheads meet as he breathes and feels, his eyes closed and his hands still clutching the front of the redhead's shirt.
"So... yeah, Shitty Dazai," Chuuya mutters, sounding a little breathless. His breath feels warm against Dazai's lips, "this is what be in love feels like"
Dazai widens his eyes and looks at Chuuya as if he's drowning in his blue eyes.
"I can see it." Dazai replies, breathless, because he understands it now, so well that he thinks his heart might burst right now, "I can feel it." It's all Dazai can say, breathless and overwhelmed in the best way. Chuuya's eyes and lips are bright in front of him.
Chuuya tenses, looking suddenly uncertain, as he reaches out a hand and tangles his fingers in Dazai's brown hair. He really likes to do that. He asked: "You feel it?"
"So much that it's hard for me to breathe" Dazai confesses, because it's true.
"For me?" Chuuya asks, as if he wanted to confirm it, as if he wanted to be so sure...
"Only for you" Dazai nods, leaning against Chuuya's stroking of his hair. Never before has an answer been so easy to give as this one.
Chuuya sighed with what seemed relief and his hand came down to Dazai's cheek, caressing it gently. What a wonderful feeling...
"Only for you too" he replies, even though Dazai didn't ask.
Dazai widens his eyes at that, feeling a sudden flutter of insecurity in his stomach.
Shyly, the brunette asks: "Despite everything?"
"With everything"
Dazai lets out an emotionally charged gasp and leans into Chuuya, seeking another kiss. Chuuya is more than happy to oblige.
So it's true, Dazai is in love with Chuuya. And that doesn't sound strange, it doesn't sound impossible or ridiculous, it sounds like an unquestionable truth, like a fact that was absolutely real, just Dazai didn't know it yet.
He gives in to it. It's the easiest and hardest thing he've ever done ever.
Chuuya's ability is not only useful for decimating organizations, playing pranks, using his motorcycle, or protecting himself from the rain. It's are also incredibly useful for getting Dazai from the couch in the living room to the bed in his bedroom, very quickly. The emotion of the moment has caught them completely. All the feelings and desires that they had suppressed for so long or didn't know they had are right there now have come out and explode. They can't stop, and they don't want to either. Even without knowing it, they have waited so long...
Now they are on the bed, Dazai under Chuuya, and Chuuya imprisoning Dazai's hips between his legs, his hands resting on the bed, his face inches from the brunette's.
Dazai's brown hair falls messily onto the sheets, framing his pale face. His bandages are loose around his torso some are still covered but others are scattered between the sheets due to how quickly Chuuya removed Dazai's shirt. His dark eyes, full of brightness, reflect the contained desire that burns inside him. His lips, slightly parted, anticipate the contact, long for it. His face shows a mix of emotion and vulnerability as he looks at Chuuya and only Chuuya.
Chuuya, leaning forward as his reddish hair that smells like the roses from his shampoo frame his intense and determined expression. His eyes, ablaze with a mixture of desire and determination, are fixed on Dazai's lips, conveying a silent message of longing and attraction. His stance on Dazai shows a confidence and security that contrasts with the softness of his gaze.
The room is impregnated with an atmosphere charged with electricity. Dim light from the night lamp filters through the curtains, creating a soft halo that bathes the couple in a kind of ethereal intimacy. Messy sheets unfurl around them, testament to the anticipation that fills the air.
They've both had sex before- Chuuya only for one-night stands, Dazai only for the missions Mori saw fit for. This is absolutely different, it's meaningful in a way that not many things manage to be.
Chuuya brings his face closer to Dazai's until their noses are touching and he murmurs, sweet and gentle against his mouth, "Are you sure you want this, mackerel? It's okay if you want to stop now."
The question surprises Dazai a bit, but the answer slips from his lips as easy as breathing.
"Yes." He responds, or rather, his strong emotions respond, as he enjoys the way Chuuya closes his eyes and affectionately rubs his nose against Dazai's, "With you, yes."
It turns out to feel surprisingly touching for Dazai, that the choice for the first time is his. And it's true, that's his choice: Dazai wants to have Chuuya and for Chuuya to have him in every possible way.
Then Chuuya kisses him again and it's like sealing a deal and they both sink into the bed and Dazai sees the brightest stars without any need to go outside to look at the night sky.
Love, that's what the warm and sweet feeling he felt with Chuuya was all along. That's what the feeling of always wanting to be together with Chuuya meant. That's what made Dazai's cheeks turn red and his heart race and Chuuya looked so beautiful that the feeling tickled his entire body. That is what made Chuuya's touch feel like an electric shock, sparks, and at the same time like the caress of a feather. That's what made Dazai see something wonderful and feel the need to share it with Chuuya first because he was sure she would enjoy it more that way. The safety Dazai felt in Chuuya's arms. All that was love, always was love.
They at fifteen, arguing all the time and at the same time doing their best to never be apart. They at sixteen, protecting each other tooth and nail. They at seventeen, having learned every detail of the other to such an extent that Chuuya seemed to be able to know Dazai better than Dazai himself and vice versa, and both finding all kinds of excuses so Dazai wouldn't have to leave Chuuya's apartment. They at eighteen, suddenly estranged, but only because they were so important to each other that they weren't able to deal with it (Chuuya wasn't able to deal with that feeling that was too big for Dazai of all damn people, and Dazai was barely able to deal with the fact that even though he couldn't feel more than echoes, Chuuya caused a spark in his chest anyway).
They now, at twenty-two. Just here. Right at this precise moment.
All of that has always been love. Is love.
Dazai has always been in love with Chuuya.
Oh.
Oh god-
Far from the warmth that envelops Chuuya's room like a mist, the Port Mafia executive's phone vibrates incessantly, left on the coffee table. This isn't the first time it's been ringing, it's been ringing many times within the afternoon, but all after Chuuya Nakahara put his phone on silent to watch the movie with Dazai in peace, so none of those calls have been heard and neither is the one vibrating now, shaking in the distance.
The urgent call vibrates like a harbinger of bad news.
Neither of them listens to it.
Notes:
What are the chances that Dazai will panic? Place your bets.
Now, well, a lot of things happened in this chapter. I had it planned for a long time and I loved writing it. I hope you enjoyed.
First, about Mori, he will appear in the next chapter, so what do you think will happen with Chuuya, Dazai and Mori in the same room? I would love to read your theories about it.
Now, these are the keywords we have left for the next chapter: Cold. Akutagawa. Anger.
And I add this for the next: Fear. Morning after. Threat. Time.
Finally, what did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it. I post a new chapter every saturday so see you next saturday <3
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
P.S: This chapter just coincides with the release of the new chapter of the bsd manga, and I just wanted to comment on my hysterical emotion. Will I lose emotional stability if I no longer have it at all? We'll find out.
Chapter 11: “11”
Summary:
First, Dazai deals with the panic that comes with feeling too much. Later, the ADA and Chuuya learn some very dark things about Dazai's past and confront Mori. And then Dazai and Akutagawa have a complicated conversation. In the end, Dazai and Chuuya are faced with a devastating revelation from the future.
Notes:
TW: For mentions of torture, child abuse, and dissociation. Nothing really explicit, the only thing described in detail is the dissociation episode, but I warn you anyway, in case any of this could be a trigger for you.
So, this chapter is 12,000 words of Dazai climbing out of one hole to fall into another, poor baby.
There's also a lot of Mori hate around here. I do not regret anything.
Enjoy!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The morning after is calm enough that panic hits Dazai as fast as a freight train.
The brunette woke slowly at first, blinking in the soft light filtering through the spare blinds into the room. Turning his head to his side, Dazai was met with the comforting sight of Chuuya sleeping next to him. His calm and collected features, his messy hair falling over his face, looking so beautiful, reminded him of the night before… What Dazai had experienced last night could not be compared to anything, it had been overwhelming and beautiful and so much… Yes. If he really had to describe it, the only thing he might be able to say is So much, because that's what it was: like a whole sea or a huge sky or a whole galaxy. Immense, immeasurable, precious. It made Dazai want to stay wrapped up like this, in his love for Chuuya, forever. To forget everything else and live just like that, in the warmth.
However, as the memories flood his mind, Dazai begins to feel the first hints of anxiety for the very reason he felt it was wonderful: Vast, unfathomable. It was such a big feeling... What was Dazai going to do if he ever lost Chuuya?
Now that he was no longer wrapped in the delicious haze of love, care and Chuuya, panic broke through. Dazai felt vulnerable in a very different way than the day before, less as if he was showing himself to the person he cares about and more as if he had given the universe the perfect weapon to brutally and finally destroy it. The brunette clung to the sheets, feeling how his heart was beating wildly in his chest.
Doubts and insecurities began to rise in his mind like pieces of glass that flew from a broken window, ready to cut and hurt: What are you doing, idiot? Do you think you deserve this? Do you think you deserve love, when all you give in return is suffering? How many people did you hurt? Demon prodigy. Do you think you are what Chuuya, wonderful Chuuya, deserves?
No.
He felt insignificant and insufficient. They were strange feelings to have, he considered, surprisingly painful. They mixed with panic and Dazai felt like he was drowning in all of it.
Dazai's feelings for Chuuya were too great, and suddenly it was beginning to feel terribly terrifying, undeniably dangerous. They say that the higher you climb, the more it hurts to fall. Those feelings had the potential to hurt him to death. Either he would hurt Chuuya, or he would inevitably disappoint him, or Chuuya would realize that Dazai was too much for him to deal with.
God, oh god, how can Dazai love Chuuya? How could he- How could he... how could he do something like that to Chuuya? How could he put him through something like that?
With an awkward step, Dazai got up from the bed. He slid easily out of the covers, trained not to make a sound if he didn't want to.
Dazai felt the almost irrepressible urge to run away, just… run as far away from his feelings as possible. It was a primal, visceral impulse, a panic coming from the darkest parts of his mind... Dazai felt the urgent need to protect himself, to hide from the overwhelming reality of his own feelings.
He wanted to run away, but when he reached the door, he stopped abruptly. Maybe it was the rational part of his brain that stopped him, reminding him that he was only wearing pants and not wearing bandages or shoes. Maybe it was because in reality, a significant part of himself didn't want to leave. That part longed for the closeness and love that Chuuya gave it, it longed to keep what it had felt the night before, what Chuuya had made it feel. Each. Part.
Was that selfish?
Dazai struggled inwardly, torn between the need to run and the need to hold on to what was in front of him. She knew she couldn't ignore what she felt for Chuuya, but she also knew that facing those feelings meant opening herself up to a world of pain and vulnerability.
Chuuya didn't deserve to be stuck with the mess that he was, he didn't deserve to be stuck with the kind of person who would isolate himself at the slightest sign that he might get hurt.
Oh, Chuuya didn't deserve that at all.
But Chuuya didn't deserve Dazai to run off either, right?
So Dazai-
Finally, the brunette backed away enough to drop onto the sofa, hiding under the blanket that was still there to stop feeling so exposed. He sat there, hugging himself as he fought the waves of panic.
He was going to ruin this too, wasn't he?
"Of course you will, Dazai-kun. A demon was made to break things that produce light, not to admire them. Much less to have them."
Panic, what an icy, tense, unpleasant thing. Dazai sank into it too fast before he knew it and couldn't get out anymore.
He need to run-
Chuuya wakes up feeling strangely complete. A little lazy, too, as if sunk in a warmth that he doesn't want to get out of. Last night was... fucking amazing. Holding Dazai in his arms felt like something clicked, like this was how it always should have been between them.
So yeah, Chuuya woke up happy, yawning and stretching out his arms in hopes of catching Dazai in a hug and sinking into this nice haze of warmth for a bit more before he had to go back to the real world.
But his arms found nothing on the other side of the bed when he stretched them out. Chuuya widened his eyes, feeling a mixture of confusion and disappointment. The bed on the side where Dazai had slept was still warm, but he was no longer there: no shock of brown hair as lusciously silky, no pale skin glowing against the sun, no dark eyes as warm.
Chuuya straightened up and slid off the sheets, jumping up, feeling a little worried. Dazai couldn't have left, right?
"Dazai?" the redhead asked loudly, leaving the room without bothering to put on a shirt.
Dazai wouldn't have left while Chuuya was sleeping, right?
The thought that Dazai might leave without saying a word caused him both worry and pain. He called out to Dazai as he moved through the rooms, searching for any trace of his presence.
"Oi, Dazai! Where are you?"
Finally, Chuuya noticed a bulge under a blanket on the sofa. He sighed in relief as he recognized Dazai's form and quickly approached. Dazai hadn't left, after all. That had to mean something, didn't it?
"You scared me, you stupid idiot. What the hell are you supposed to be doing?"
Unanswered. Just a muffled breath under the blanket. In fact, all Chuuya sees of Dazai is a bulge beneath the fluffy blanket under which he has hidden all but the balls of his bare feet, hiding like a small child playing hide-and-seek.
Chuuya makes a face, getting uneasy.
"Oi, mackerel? Are you okay?" he asked.
This time, Dazai speaks, but it's not to answer him, instead, he just mumbles, "I'm sorry." His voice is muffled by the cloth.
Chuuya frowns, worrying a bit. These have been difficult days, and he would like to know where Dazai is in his emotions and memories right now, it would make it easier for him to figure out how to help.
Managing himself carefully, Chuuya sat next to Dazai on the couch, the same couch where they had kissed the night before, and he didn't try to touch Dazai just yet, in case the brunette wasn't in a good spot yet. That was another thing he had learned in these past few days. Instead, he just directly asks, "Tell me what's up?"
Dazai sighs shakily under the blanket, but this time if he answers, "I wanted to run away" he confesses. Or rather, the bulge in the blanket Dazai is under confesses.
"Eh?" Chuuya tilts the expression, not understanding exactly what he means.
Dazai clarifies, sounding annoyed with himself and perhaps a little scared as well, "When I woke up, I wanted to run, run away from here."
Chuuya made a face. It wasn't like Dazai panicking hadn't been a possibility from the start. Even when he had No Longer Human and only echoes instead of full emotions, Dazai tended to shy away from any kindness or caring. And yes, Chuuya would have been hurt (and worried) if the brunette had fled, but he didn't, so he pointed out the obvious:
"But you didn't".
Dazai snorted and argued, "But I wanted to. Because that's who I am, selfish and a mess. I think you still don't realize everything that's wrong with me, and I think when you do, that will be it. And I won't blame you, I'm too much and..."
Chuuya stopped him abruptly: "That's ridiculous," he informed without caring his words, but being carefully soft in his tone of voice, "We were- We are partners. I accepted the worst parts of you ever since we became partners, even though you were annoying little shit. And you accepted all of mine, don't think I don't know. We're even, mackerel."
"That's different," Dazai points out, as if his flaws are much higher on the bad scale than Chuuya's. And yes, Dazai might have had more trauma to unpack than Chuuya, but that didn't make his flaws any more intolerable. Chuuya would have hit Dazai on the head until he understood, but unfortunately, such an easy and practical method would not work in this case, so Chuuya was forced to use words to make him understand.
"Shit it is," he snapped, "I'm on it. I told you yesterday"
Still hidden and huddled under the blanket, Dazai replies, "Just... If it was the spur of the moment, I'm giving Chuuya a chance to take it back."
And Chuuya loses patience. Right now.
Frustrated, the redhead pulls the blanket from Dazai's face at least so he can look at him. Dazai jumps and looks at Chuuya and he looks... scared, genuinely scared. But he's not scared of Chuuya, no. It's easy to understand now that Chuuya can see his eyes and the expression on his face (honestly, he's grateful that emotions made Dazai easier to read in parts): Dazai is panicking, but it's a totally normal panic when you just realized something as transcendental as being in love with your old partner (Chuuya knows what he's talking about. That same panic had assailed him before, a few days ago, at the top of the Ferris wheel).
Dazai isn't trying to push Chuuya away or regretting what happened last night, he's just perfectly and normally scared of the implications. Okay, that's almost a relief, and something Chuuya can deal with quite well. After all, he's always been very good at pointing out Dazai's crap and telling him things straight.
So Chuuya takes Dazai's face between his bare hands, so that the brunette doesn't look away, and tells him indulgently: "You're scared, it's okay, stupid mackerel, you're allowed to be. That's a lot of shit you have left to unpack"
Dazai sighs, looking a bit calmer now that Chuuya is touching him and he feels the warmth of the redhead's hands on his cheeks: "I hate fear, it's useless and inconvenient" he grumbles, making something very similar to a pout.
Chuuya smiles at that, genuinely, and points out, "We agreed before that feelings tend to be like that most of the time, right?"
Dazai snorts at that. At least, he no longer seems ready to run away or to convince Chuuya that he's not someone worthy of love. Little progress.
Chuuya takes advantage of the fact that the other has relaxed at least a little to reaffirm his point, saying words that a few days ago he would never have imagined saying out loud, but now they practically slip out of his mouth easily: "I will have you for complete, Dazai, if you let me. You already have me"
The reason he says it so seriously, without insults or jokes, has a lot to do with last night. Chuuya practically told Dazai that he loved him in a lot of ways, what's one more confession? After all, there's no one else here except them, so Chuuya himself can also let his guard down a bit, especially if it helps Dazai understand that he won't let him get away with this so easily, that is.
Chuuya's sincerity is almost heartbreaking and paralyzes Dazai instead. The brunette escapes from Chuuya's grasp and covers his face with his hands, embarrassed because his cheeks are turning very red and his heart is racing in a good way: "Chuuya shouldn't say things like that" he complains.
Chuuya, feeling quite proud of being the one to cause such a reaction from Dazai, replies, "Get used to it, you bastard."
And Dazai... Dazai could get used to that, he thinks. Maybe... just maybe, he could trust Chuuya on this like he does on all other things. Perhaps, he can trust that Chuuya sees something in Dazai, something Dazai himself can't see, something good, something worthwhile enough to stick around.
The brunette drops his head back against the back of the sofa and looks at the ceiling so he can be able to speak.
What he says is so sincere it makes his chest ache from the exposure, but if there's one thing Dazai is good at it's transactions, and this is one: honesty for honesty. It's up to Dazai to reciprocate to keep the exchange on a level playing field.
"I love Chuuya so much that it scares me." He murmurs, very softly, a confession said almost under his breath. Feelings do strange things to people, Dazai thought briefly, they make them say a lot of things, and even more, want to say them, because saying them is a relief. "I don't want to ruin you too" he added.
This time, it was Chuuya's turn to freeze at the opponent's words, because it was one thing for Dazai to make him feel and show him that he loved him last night and quite another for him to say it out loud now. Somehow, it makes it more real, more absolute, and installs a very nice and satisfying warmth right in the center of Chuuya's chest.
However, the redhead quickly regains his composure, clears his throat, and replies, "It's late, idiot, because I'm already ruin just like you without your intervention. Accept it and let us be ruin together, will you? Let me fucking love you too, idiot."
Dazai discovered, not surprised by that (he had been surprised enough last night), that there was nothing he wanted more. He could really trust this, he decided. Trusting Chuuya's ability to know him well enough to love him. Still, he didn't express that, instead Dazai playfully stated, “Chuuya is a dumb slug”
"Hah?!" Chuuya complained, and gave the brunette an indignant and playful blow to the back of the neck.
However, Dazai quickly replaced his playful expression with one that was almost shy and, looking at Chuuya, asked, "If it's alright, can I kiss Chuuya now?"
Chuuya thinks, right then and there, that he could get used to this. That he really wants to get used to this, that it's Dazai and him and that they solve the rest (the rival organizations they respectively belong to, for example) on the fly.
So the redhead smiles, happy and eager, and replies, "Not if I kiss you first, you fucking mackerel. You owe me a lot of morning hugs."
And Dazai, feeling how all the best and most pleasant emotions dampen and undo his panic easily, is happy to oblige Chuuya with it.
Especially considering that the new morning hugs concept sounds really nice.
"You deserve to have good things at least once in a while, Dazai"
Dazai can almost hear Odasaku's voice in his head as Chuuya wraps his arms around him and buries his nose in his brown hair, and Dazai reciprocates by nestling his head against Chuuya's chest, wrapping his arms around his waist arms and staying there, very still, to listen attentively to the warm and constant beating of the redhead's heart, synchronizing his own heartbeat with his.
Perhaps, Dazai thinks, I should start hearing the memory of Odasaku's words more often than the memory of Mori's words.
Chuuya grabs his phone and unlocks it, only to be met with a flood of missed calls from Scary Agency Doctor, and also some from unknown numbers, presumably from other members of the Armed Detective Agency. Frowning, a pulse of worry swirled in the redhead's stomach. If that doctor Yosano was trying to contact him so urgently, something must be wrong, right?
There was also a single message notification from Kouyou. It read: Mori-san requests you for a meeting, where are you?
Chuuya's pulse quickened in anger upon seeing Mori's name on the message. The redhead hasn't forgotten any of the horrible things Dazai said yesterday about the things boss of the Port Mafia did to him. The thought of having to go see Mori now was fucking unthinkable. Not yet. Especially since he's not sure if he'll be able to contain his murderous urges against the man. To tell the truth, Chuuya feels deeply betrayed. How could Mori make Chuuya admire him, at the same time that he was tearing Dazai apart piece by piece?
The redhead decides to ignore that particular message for now, so as not to lose his cool before deciding what to do. Chuuya doesn't plan to leave the mafia, that's his home, that's where his family is, but he can't bear the idea of continuing to blindly follow orders from the person who hurt Dazai so much and on so many levels.
It's fucking unfair.
For now, Chuuya decides to focus on Dr. Yosano's calls, definitely more urgent. He will figure out what to do about Mori later.
While the shower sounds in the background and Chuuya regrets just a little that he can't go accompany Dazai there, he presses call on the doctor's contact and waits for the call to be answered.
She does it on the second ring. That was fast.
"I heard-"
"Stupid mafia executive, may I know what you have a phone for?"
Chuuya involuntarily cringed from the scream in his ear. Hell, she sounded a little annoyed. And a little scary too, if you ask the redhead. Dr. Yosano doesn't seem like someone he'd want to anger, she has that Dazai-like energy of someone who knew the dark all too well before stepping into the light.
"I was busy" Chuuya informed, not intimidated (maybe a little).
"You still have Dazai with you, right?" she asked impatiently, ignoring his excuse.
Chuuya frowned at that: "Of course I do" he replied, offended by the suggestion that he would leave Dazai to his own devices right now, "What the hell did you call so much for yesterday?" he adds, a little more aggressive than it really intends.
"You need to get Dazai here. Come both of you. Now." Yosano said in response, "There's something very urgent that you need to know about and I can't say it over the phone. Something dangerous, and it can't wait, got it?" she added. The way she spoke chilled Chuuya's blood to the freezing point.
"What? Wait-" the redhead inquired urgently, millions of possible theories running through his head and none of them good.
Yosano didn't answer, of course, because she had already hung up.
"Shit" Chuuya muttered and in an impulse of rage he destroyed with his skill the vase that rested on the dining room table. That mitigated the urge to squeeze the phone in his hand until it shattered to pieces.
Why are all detectives always so fucking cryptic?
The pulse of worry coiled in his stomach turned into a complete whirlwind. Did this have anything to do with the medical exam that the doctor had done on Dazai a day ago? Had something gone wrong? Was Dazai in some way in danger?
"What did that pretty vase do to Chibi?" Dazai's playful voice snapped the redhead out of the downward spiral of thought he was falling into.
Chuuya looked at Dazai. The brunette's hair was still damp, and he was wearing the jeans and shirt that Chuuya had bought him, with his usual coat on top of them. It looked very good, and the sight calmed Chuuya a bit: Dazai was here, right in front of him, and he was fine. Everything was going to be okay. Chuuya would make sure of that at all costs.
"Chuya is alright?" Dazai asked when the redhead didn't answer his first naughty question, cringing a little as insecurity settled in his chest. Perhaps Chuuya had regretted his earlier words after all. Maybe he had finally realized that Dazai wasn't what he w-
Chuuya closed the distance between them and kissed Dazai suddenly, taking him by surprise and erasing in one fell swoop all those dark thoughts that were beginning to take over him. Insecurity is replaced by warmth and love. The kiss is short and sweet and Dazai closes his eyes to enjoy it for the short time until Chuuya pulls away. He still thinks it's magical, the explosion of emotions that something as seemingly simple as a kiss can produce.
"What was that for, Slug?" Dazai asks, feeling entranced.
"Because I want and I can." Chuuya cheekily reported, "Do you have a problem with that, Shitty Dazai?"
Daisy smiled. He did that a lot these days: real smiles.
"None at all," he informed him solemnly.
Chuuya had an intense desire to kiss him again, put his hands on his small waist and- He sighed, not doing any of those things, his smile partially erased. As a reflex, Dazai's smile also faltered.
"Your Agency called" Chuuya reported, "You really need to get a new phone, it doesn't look too good when a mafia executive's file is full of messages from fourth grade detectives" he tried to joke, but Dazai didn't buy the joke, his deduction skills were slowly returning now that his emotions were also slowly calming down. And anyway, it had always been second nature to him to read Chuuya.
"How bad is it?" Dazai asked seriously, trying to hide the curl of fear that curled on his chest. Fear was such an annoying emotion... The brunette was going to have to work hard to learn to control it (and ideally burn it to ashes).
Chuya sighed. Of course he couldn't hide anything from Dazai.
"I don't know, but your doctor sounded fucking worried" the redhead replied.
A pity, really, that they have to break this beautiful bubble that they seemed to have created for themselves. However, unavoidable too.
Dazai nodded, very slowly, mourning the loss of the bubble.
"Chibi is coming to the Agency with me?"
I would go anywhere with you.
"Like you can get rid of me now, you stupid mackerel" Chuuya growled, smirking at him.
And though worry settled in Dazai's stomach like a block of ice, he still found something within to return a small smile.
Apparently, that's what the people call love.
Arriving at the ADA, Chuuya and Dazai found an atmosphere full of tension and worry. The Agency members were gathered, exchanging anxious glances and hurried whispers. It was evident that something important was happening.
Atsushi, seeing Dazai, ran to him and hugged him, but this time his hug was filled with sadness and anguish. Dazai was surprised by the intensity of emotion in Atsushi's expression, which added to his own uneasiness.
"Atsushi-kun?" Dazai asked, confused by his student's expressions.
Atsushi looks away, embarrassed, worried, suspicious.
Standing right next to Dazai and noticing the tense atmosphere and worried faces of all the detectives, Chuuya can't contain his frustration born of uncertainty and blurts out his question in a sullen voice, "Why the hell is everyone looking so off?" of a bloody funeral? Bloody cryptic detectives."
Dr. Yosano seemed ready to take command of the conversation. She had a folder under her arm and her expression darkened. So if it was something medical, after all. Something medical about Dazai. The hole in Chuuya's stomach grew into a full-blown black hole. The mafia executive felt like punching a wall, or a detective, either would be fine. However, he holds back.
Then someone behind their back coughs before Yosano can speak. Chuuya recognizes that cough instantly. And so does Dazai, who turns to face Akutagawa. A wave of jarring feelings hits the brunette when he sees his former student: Guilt (a choking, cold feeling in his throat), shame, a slight hint of resentment that he can't squash or avoid, regret, a heartbeat of affection twisted by caution, a pinch of pride where everything is to see him firm and upright.
Dazai takes a step towards the boy, away from Chuuya and Atsushi, still unable to form words due to the whirlwind of new emotions certain memories have produced in his chest.
Akutagawa greets him respectfully, leaning forward: "Dazai-san"
There are many things that Dazai would like to tell Akutagawa, he just found out. Apologize, of course, but also talk about the reasons. I had to, or else Mori would have decided that he had to take over. Dazai also thinks he might cry, like the first time he saw Chuuya and all his emotions just... reacted together... But he's gained more control since then, he thinks.
"Akutagawa-kun," Dazai replies, and he's so overwhelmed by his emotions that it takes him too long to wonder what Akutagawa is doing here, and if he didn't come alone.
Chuuya, on the other hand, doesn't have that cascade of emotions to overwhelm and distract him, so he quickly realizes that Akutagawa isn't coming alone. The redhead remembers the message that Kouyou found this morning: Mori-san requests you for a meeting, where are you?
Apparently, Chuuya has just arrived at the meeting anyway, because at that moment, the Mafia boss enters through the doors of the Armed Detective Agency offices, with Tachihara and Hirotsu behind him, guarding his flanks.
Shit damn shit-
Mori greets him first: "Chuuya-kun, I see you made the time to come to the meeting I requested you for" he says with a smile that is meant to appear friendly, but it's anything but.
Chuuya doesn't answer him, he's not sure what he's going to say, but it won't be good, so instead he bites the inside of his cheek until it bleeds. If it were up to him, he would have smashed his boss's face to bits by now, but Dazai asked him not to (with hideously valid arguments), and that leaves Chuuya conflicted to a simmering stalemate.
Mori doesn't single out Chuuya for not responding, for now, just because the reason he's here is a more pressing matter to attend to than his executive's strange new behavior (and maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't have let Chuuya spend so much time with Dazai, trusting that he would inform him about Dazai. Mori might have underestimated that strange and twisted bond those two have. But it's okay, he'll figure it out in time).
Everyone in the Agency has been on their feet, acting defensive. Even Ranpo stands up, to stand next to Yosano, who looks especially tense.
Chuuya looks around for Dazai and finds him staring at Mori with wide eyes like deer in headlights. For a moment, he is afraid of what the brunette's reaction might be, because it will be something that the boss will definitely use to his advantage, but Dazai doesn't have a panic attack, he doesn't cry or scream or have a flashback, he just... He backs up very slowly and partially hides behind Kunikida, who looks at his partner strangely but doesn't force him to drop the back of his vest.
Of course he's not hiding behind Chuuya, Dazai is definitely worried about the suspicions that might arouse in Mori. Or maybe, Chuuya thinks, Dazai thinks I brought him right into the lion's den. The redhead knows, too, that this is the moment when he should stand next to Mori, because loyalties are supposed to be clear but... he can't do it. Instead, Chuuya stands next to Dazai, standing tall and looking like he oozes confidence, almost daring Mori to question him.
"Dazai-kun, Yosano-chan, it's always a pleasure to see you again" Mori greets them then, "A shame you're still in this place" he adds, referring to the Agency.
And if Dazai reacts by losing himself inside himself as if escaping from his own body, without responding, Yosano reacts with anger.
"How dare you-?"
"Yosano" Fukuzawa's voice stops them all. Yosano reluctantly backs off. Mori smiles with amusement.
The president of the Agency enters the offices with a calm and serene step, the only thing that betrays his annoyance at the presence of the mafia boss here is a furrow between his eyebrows.
"Mori-sensei" Fukuzawa greets, serious and cordial, but his eyes show his disgust now.
"Fukuzawa-dono" Mori greets him cheerfully, "How are you doing?"
"Our truce doesn't include unexpected visitors," Fukuzawa points out, "What are you doing here?"
Mori smiles with all his teeth, that is his real smile, more macabre. It makes Dazai nauseous.
"Oh, of course, forgive my manners," Mori says, and then addresses everyone in the Agency: "Good morning, detective agency. I've come because the victim of the Port Mafia's stealing-ability machine has passed away. And I'm sure you guys have some answers I need."
Yeah shit.
Dazai is frozen in space as soon as he sees it: Mori, right there, in front of him, not like a stormy memory, but real. A man of flesh, blood and a merciless smile. He can't... He can't handle this, no...
A strange feeling of unreality washes over Dazai. His thoughts and emotions suddenly become fuzzy, as if he were watching the scene unfolding in front of him from a place far, far away, like a distant spectator. His mind gradually disconnects from physical sensations and intense emotions, creating a state of emotional numbness.
His surroundings seem to fade, sounds become distant, and voices in conversation become an unintelligible mumble. Dazai feels like he's in a dream, trapped in an alternate reality where things don't have the same weight or meaning, and details of his surroundings can become blurry or fuzzy. It's like his mind is somewhere else, trying to get away from the overwhelming reality.
His gaze turns distant and his body tenses.
Mori's mouth is moving. Is the president saying something? Yosano looks upset...why? Dazai looks to the front and notices that a hand is clinging tightly to the back of Kunikida's vest with a lot of force... Is that his hand? It doesn't feel like it is...
And... is that a hand on his shoulder? The touch is firm, openly hostile despite not using force… Dazai comes back to himself very quickly when he realizes that he perfectly recognizes that specific way of being touched, as if he were property.
"Maybe..." Mori says suggestively, placing a hand on Dazai's shoulder. When did he move? When did he get so close? "...if you'd lend me Dazai-kun for a while...we might get some interesting answers."
No.
Mori's mention of his name was like an electric shock to Dazai.
The brunette didn't quite listen to the conversation that led to that statement, too lost within himself, but he knows Mori, and his brain is capable of filling in the missing pieces fast enough to violently recoil out of the Port Mafia boss's touch, feeling a mixture of disgust, fear and rage. And surprisingly, the rage is the one that stands out (perhaps it's because Dazai had had more time to process the fear than the rage).
"No." Dazai said abruptly, adopting a defensive stance.
Mori looked at him funny.
"Are you saying no now, Dazai-kun? I thought you were able to objectively see the advantages of a strategy with ease and act accordingly," the older man openly sneered, "How unfortunate that losing your ability made you mediocre. Not that completely unexpected though." all this, Mori said with a seemingly very pleasant smile.
His words affected Dazai as if he had been hit in the stomach. How is it possible that Mori's words still affect him so much?
Chuuya, next to Dazai, tenses, ready to intervene, but Dazai tells him with a single anguished look not to, and Chuuya reluctantly complies. In these moments, the non-verbal communication that they developed throughout their years as partners is especially useful.
"Mori-sensei," Fukuzawa chimes in, his voice sounding like a stern scold, "I would appreciate it if you would not address my employees that way. None of them."
"Then you should teach your employee to act sensibly," Mori snapped, sharp and biting, but smiled quickly again to add, "Let me give you a tip about Dazai-kun here. If you want him to work, you shouldn't let him off the leash so much."
Dazai doesn't want to be here right now. Not with Mori. Not being part of this conversation. Dazai also doesn't want to have the anger that he felt against Mori and that now is practically eating him up inside, because the anger was volatile, unpredictable, and made you do and say things without thinking, which for no reason was convenient. But his emotions got the better of his logic now, and in the absence of No Longer Human, they easily overpowered him.
Fukuzawa and Yosano seemed ready to defend Dazai and argue with Mori, while Ranpo was further back, deducing everything he needed to and growing angrier the more he deduced regarding the mob boss and Dazai. However, Dazai spoke before any of them, holding his own surprisingly firm.
"You have no right to talk about me." Dazai snapped at Mori. All the presenters around him were shocked by his tone. They had never seen Dazai raise his voice or get angry. If they had seen him act passive aggressive or threaten with a calm and calculated expression, but this, anger, was something new. And also worrying.
"Dazai-kun, dear, I know you don't want to admit it, but without your ability, you can't trust yourself. All those human emotions must be annoying to someone who isn't human, don't you think?"
"He's human" Chuuya growled, standing protectively next to Dazai. He couldn't help it. How dare Mori-
"Careful, Chuuya-kun." Mori warned him. His smile didn't waver an inch, but his eyes darkened.
Behind Mori, Tachihara and Akutagawa looked genuinely confused by this exchange and Dazai's reactions, especially Akutagawa, who had never seen his mentor express emotions in this way (or express them at all), while Hirotsu had simply lowered his gaze down.
"You can't-"
"Since you obviously can't trust yourself right now," Mori continued, interrupting Dazai before the brunette could reply, "Don't you think you should trust the person who knows you best?" He finished his thought, obviously referring to himself.
"Trust you? I know what you did to me," Dazai snapped, his rage making him forget that even the Agency members could hear him. In front of him, there was only Mori, "Now I know. Now I can feel it. You won't have me again, I won't leave you. Never again"
Mori's smile turned into something openly cruel.
"Is that so? Do you think you're a victim? Please, Dazai-kun, I taught you better than that" Mori pointed out, clearly trying to make Dazai doubt himself, and the worst thing was that, in part, he succeeded it.
Dazai pursed his lips together, the memory of a scalpel against his skin all too present now.
"You tortured me. Every day. You gave my ability the shape you wanted. You made me your toy!" Dazai bursts out, under the stunned gaze of everyone present except Mori.
The Port Mafia boss doesn't back down, instead looking very self-assured and almost bored by Dazai's words. After all, why should he care about Dazai telling him in front of others? They can't kill him anyway, not without breaking the truce and throwing Yokohama into chaos. So yeah, Mori can play with his prodigy demon again for a bit, maybe even harness these emotions the kid now has and use them to his advantage to convince him to come back to the mob with him. At this point, Dazai is the only surviving victim of the stealing-ability machine, so having him is an obvious advantage.
"I trained you." Mori corrects Dazai, patiently, as if addressing a small child, "I made you the perfect weapon and gave you the tools to survive. You may say I was a little harsh, but tough love was what you needed, right? Don't you understand? You were a straying child, you had to straighten yourself out"
"You ripped my eye out with a scalpel and put it back in, over and over again. You ripped open my stomach while I was conscious to play with my organs. You ripped open and cut and sold me and took everything from me, and you- you-" Dazai feels like he is choking on the words. He didn't want to say all that in front of everyone present, but he's not able to control his mouth and stop. It's as if a dam had broken and the water gushed out, uncontrolled, with no way to stop it.
Mori laughs. "I -I-? Come on, Dazai-kun, speak nicely, I don't have all day to listen to your whining"
Suddenly, Dazai is fifteen again, and Mori is carving the orders for the next mission into his skin with a scalpel. He is twelve again, and Mori gouges out his eye for the first time. He is sixteen again and Mori hands him over to the man who keeps saying how cute Dazai is, as a preview of his alliance with that organization.
The brunette suddenly feels small, like an insect under Mori's shoe. It's a horrible feeling. He barely finds the voice to finish: "You broke me"
"No, I built you. I was make you." Now, Mori's smile isn't just cruel, it's wild, "Everything I did was for your sake, of course, to make you what you are. Do you think you would have survived without my intervention, Dazai-kun? Do you think would you be so valuable now?"
"Do you think you would be that valuable now? Without me?" Those last words echo in Dazai's mind, squeezing him, choking him, hurting. Would he be? How can he know-? Dazai's resolve falters dangerously.
In the room, the Agency members and even Chuuya himself are shocked by what they just heard, even though they desperately want to defend Dazai, they are at a loss for words. Kunikida, Tanizaki, Atsushi, even Kenji and Kyoka have horrified expressions on their faces at what has just been revealed right in front of them.
Chuuya, in particular, feels like he is drowning. How did he not realize it was so bad? What Mori did to Dazai is- Oh my god. Chuuya feels nauseated just imagining some of the things that Dazai just unintentionally revealed. And the worst thing is that Chuuya was there when all that happened. Dazai was his fucking partner, for god's sake, and Chuuya didn't notice a thing.
On the Port Mafia side, Tachihara has averted his gaze to the window, clearly determined to ignore this conversation, because the revelations are stark even by his standards. Hirotsu, for his part, looks at Dazai with genuine sadness (although he hides it well enough). Hirotsu didn't realize it was so bad then, maybe because he never saw Dazai as affected as now, but it turns out that that was just Dazai's acting ability. And he no longer has it.
By far, Akutagawa is the most affected of the three Port Mafia employees who are after Mori. He is in shock, and suddenly understands why his mentor never let him get close to reporting on Mori, neither his successes nor his failures, now he understands why Dazai insisted that Gin pretend she was a boy instead of a girl and let her by Hirotsu. The implications of this are… incredibly difficult to process.
The only ones who don't seem completely dumbfounded by the revelations are Ranpo, whose cold anger is reflected in the suddenly serious expression on his face to the point that he has put his sweets aside, Fukuzawa, who seems ready to throw Mori out of here at once as long as Dazai allows it, and Yosano.
Yosano has always had her suspicions that Mori had done bad things to Dazai, not only because she also lived for a time (considerably shorter, thank goodness) under that man's yoke, but also because of Dazai's medical history that she keeps, the nature of some of the injuries that the brown hides under the bandages (she is able to recognize better than many what a scar that was made by a scalpel looks like), and Dazai's fear of doctors or everything related to it, the one that had manifested itself as wary apprehension before, when Dazai still had No Longer Human.
And Yosano, more than just shocked, is furious, so when she notices Dazai's confidence faltering and Mori seems ready to deliver the final blow, she steps in.
"Unhappy bastard!" Yosano yells, ready to lunge at Mori with her butcher knife, "You fucking scum. Think you can convince just anyone that your filthy schemes and tortures aren't hatched solely for your own benefit?"
"Oh, Yosano-chan, you hurt me. How can you think that?"
"I know your modus operandi very well, Mori, and what you call training, you damn- I'd tear you into a bunch of little pieces right now if I didn't care about Yokohama enough."
"You are so adorable, Yosano-sensei"
"Fucking creep. Don't think any of us will let go of what you did to Dazai. You have no right to justify yourself." She asserts fiercely.
"Dazai-kun has always belonged to me. Therefore, I had the freedom of choice to choose the way I would raise him," Mori points out simply.
That was enough. Ranpo stepped forward, a protective anger framing his features, though he remained calm, guarding an image of superiority against Mori, as he said, “Dazai doesn't belong to you, Mr. Port Mafia boss. He's with the Armed Detective Agency. And the Agency is my family. You wouldn't want to know how quickly I'll destroy anyone who tries to harm someone in my family. Trust me, I have enough information to do it. And I have even more reasons."
That, at last, made Mori falter a bit, though it was barely noticeable except for the way his smile twisted slightly. Ranpo Edogawa is definitely a force to be reckoned with.
The tension in the room grew heavier, the threat of inter-organizational conflict hanging in the air.
"I think you should retire now," Fukuzawa told Mori, "It is clear that Dazai will not accompany you, now or ever, and you should also not consider that the Armed Detective Agency will maintain any kind of collaboration with you in the future, in view of the recent revelations" on the surface, it seemed that Fukuzawa was completely calm, but that was not the case. He is furious on behalf of his subordinate. Unfortunately, he also had to act accordingly to avoid further conflict.
Mori tilted his expression in amusement.
"As you wish," he shrugged, and then looked at Dazai, enjoying the way the brunette couldn't help but wince, "But let's be honest, Dazai-kun, half the time it was your fault. I wouldn't have had would cut so deep if you had trained your subordinate better, or if you had been more obedient."
Akutagawa, in particular, is wide-eyed at that revelation.
"Enough." Fukuzawa intervened again, "Your withdrawal is a demand, not a suggestion, Mori-sensei. Don't force me to take action."
Mori drew a mocking smile on his face. "Well well, calm down, Fukuzawa-dono, it's alright." And then, to Dazai: "It doesn't matter if I leave now, you'll come back to me eventually, Dazai-kun. After all, you'll always be mine."
That sentence is the equivalent of a bomb going off. Yosano raises her knife, ready to use it against Mori. Ranpo para seems ready to destroy Mori, and Kunikida stands on Dazai's other side, where Chuuya is not, protecting him. Chuuya takes a step towards Mori, ready to beat the crap out of him no matter the consequences because… how dare he?
Surprisingly though, it's Dazai who finally delivers the punch.
Without warning, the brown-haired man stepped forward and hit Mori with all his might. The Port Mafia leader fell to the ground, but instead of showing pain, he let out a maniacal laugh in response.
Akutagawa, shocked by the revelations about Mori's mistreatment of his mentor, can't bring himself to move to intervene in any way. Hirotsu doesn't either. Tachihara does try to intervene, moving forward, but Mori raises a hand from the ground, stopping him, still laughing despite the blood smearing his nose.
Dazai is breathing hard, as if that punch has taken a lot of his energy.
Mori looks up at Dazai from the ground, grinning toothily, "There is! That's my prodigy demon. Felt good, didn't it?"
Dazai remained motionless, assimilating Mori's words that reached the depths of his being. Is this what Mori wanted? What will hit him? That he saw that the prodigy demon has not left?
Dazai steps back, feeling unsteady, exhausted, overwhelmed, broken, still angry, still scared. But it's okay, because Yosano and Ranpo catch him.
Yeah, it's okay, because Chuuya suddenly activates his power and Mori's feet sink into the Agency floor until they're buried in it, which finally shocks the bastard enough to wipe that smile off his face.
Chuuya is going to take over now. That's something Dazai has always been able to rely on, even when he doesn't trust himself.
Chuuya has had enough of this. From the scum that is Mori, from seeing Dazai suffer as a result. The redhead is one of the most powerful freaking ability users, and Mori just fucking messed with one of the most important people to him. Mafia boss or whatever the hell he is, Chuuya is about to teach him a lesson, one of those that Mori liked to give Dazai so much, so that he learns what happens when he messes with what Chuuya loves.
His aura of power intensified, surrounding him in red, and Chuuya, using his ability, sinks Mori's feet into the Agency floor, making sure he can't move. Then, he gets dangerously close to the leader of the Port Mafia, staring into his eyes.
"What are you doing, Chuuya-kun?" At least Mori had finally lost his stupid smile.
"I'll teach you a lesson," Chuuya informs, his voice slow and menacing, "From now on, I'll be the one to take over the Port Mafia's part in this case. But make no mistake, if you lead him again If you speak to Dazai or even look at him, nothing will protect you from me. I'm an extremely powerful ability user, and I think you've forgotten that. If I decide to finish you off, nothing can stop me. The respect I felt for you did so in the end past, but that respect no longer exists."
Mori's face showed a trace of true fear, finally. It served him well, to live at least a little for what he did to Dazai. Mori had evidently underestimated the bond between Chuuya and Dazai, and now realized that he was losing the loyalty of his strongest subordinate. Or, rather, that he had already lost his completely.
"The only reason I won't kill you right now," Chuuya continues, "is because I appreciate the mafia and I won't leave it. But you must understand that my decision can change at any time. From now on, I will make the decisions that deem necessary within the mafia, no matter what you think. Understood?"
Chuuya begins to push Mori further and further down, pressing down. No one tries to stop him, not even Fukuzawa, not even his fellow Port Mafia members. This is much better revenge than killing him, Chuuya thinks: Humiliate him.
"I asked if you understood" the redhead demands in a cold and threatening tone.
"I understand" Mori answers slowly, buried in concrete, keeping eye contact with Chuuya.
The redhead, at his response, pulls Mori off the ground and forces him to his knees for an instant before telling him: "Now get out of here, boss."
And Mori does. He gets up off the floor, brushing off his coat, as if trying to regain some dignity, and doesn't look at Dazai as he leaves. Tachihara, shocked, and Hirotsu, unreadable, walk out after him. However, Akutagawa stays.
As Mori leaves, Dazai's legs finally give out, and he falls to his knees, exhausted.
It's okay, it's okay, he tries to calm down, Mori is gone and he's not coming back.
In the blink of an eye, Chuuya is crouched down beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder and looking at him with concern in his eyes. "Are you okay?"
Dazai sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. Anger is definitely exhausting.
"You shouldn't have done that, you'll have problems." He murmurs softly.
"He will have problems" Chuuya states, "He won't come near you again, believe me. The bastard is smart, he knows I was serious, he won't try anything"
Not at the moment, which is the important thing.
Dazai, still overwhelmed by the situation and with tired but grateful eyes, nodded weakly, sighing with relief and resting his head on Chuuya's chest for a moment.
"Yeah, 'kay" he says later, and accepts the hand that Chuuya offers to help him to his feet.
When he stands up, Dazai remains staring at the ground. Now that the anger and fear are gone and Chuuya's warmth has seeped into his chest like freshly harvested honey, the brunette feels calmer, but also embarrassed. Dazai just made a scandal at the Agency, how mortifying and terrible.
So the brunette looks at the president and bows to apologize.
"Sorry about all that, President"
"There's no need to apologize, Dazai" Fukuzawa replies softly, nodding.
Dazai defers, but he's not going to argue with the president, so he nods and turns to his teammates to apologize, but is then quickly attacked by a hug from Ranpo.
"I forbid you to apologize. And you have to listen to me, Dazai, you know I'm in charge" Ranpo warns, grabbing Dazai tightly.
And suddenly, everyone is hugging Dazai or patting him on the shoulder or on the head. The chestnut finds it incredibly difficult not to cry from the overwhelming feeling of belonging, of not being alone, but he manages it.
Things haven't change settled down, Mori's ghost still hangs over Dazai, but he's further away now, thanks to Chuuya, thanks to the Agency. Dazai will work on the rest, one step at a time.
He doesn't know yet, that the hug means so much more to his coworkers right now, with what they know about what is about to happen to him, what, after what just happened with Mori and everything they heard, they hate the idea of having to tell Dazai even more.
"Yosano-sensei, what did you initially want to tell us when you called the Chibi and me here?" Dazai asks, when things have finally calmed down.
Yosano's gesture twists into a grimace. She knows that she must tell him what they discovered yesterday, it is very important, and urgent. Time is precious now, and limited, but after all Dazai has been through today, he feels a bitter taste in the pit of his stomach at the thought of having to tell him now and poking his finger back into the wound when Dazai suddenly end seems to have stabilized. Plus, there's the matter of Nakahara, who is clearly a support for Dazai and therefore probably better he find out before Dazai does.
So Dr. Yosano, instead of answering, subtly nods at Akutagawa, who is still standing by the door, waiting for something.
"I think there is someone who wants to talk to you first"
Dazai follows Yosano's gesture and his gaze meets Akutagawa, who automatically straightens up when he notices his mentor looking at him. Dazai nods.
"Let's talk, Akutagawa-kun," Dazai offers softly, moving towards him.
Chuuya stops him by taking him by the wrist. Dazai turns to him and finds that Chuuya is looking at him with concern.
"Are you sure you're going to do this now, mackerel?" the redhead asks sincerely.
Dazai smiles softly at Chuuya and nods. If he want to make peace someday, the least you can do is help bring peace to the people he hurt.
"I'll be fine you overprotective Slug" Dazai nods.
Chuuya snorts and looks to the side: "You wish I was, mackerel"
Dazai has a sudden urge to kiss him, but doesn't. There are more urgent things, unfortunately.
So the brunette walks up to Akutagawa, who nods and follows him to a conference room.
Small steps, that is.
Chuuya stares worriedly at the entrance Dazai just left through.
Then, Yosano tells him: "We have to talk, Nakahara. And you're not going to like it"
Chuuya wants to break things and yell that Haven't we had enough?!, but instead all he can do is nod in resignation.
"You have earned our respects, Mr. Fancy Hat." says Ranpo, quietly, "So I'd appreciate if, when Yosano tells you, you don't destroy the building."
"Just tell me what the fuck is going on." Chuuya snaps, impatient.
Yosano places the folder on the desk and opens it so Chuuya can see: These are the medical files of the two victims of the stealing-ability machine that the Agency had access to. They're both dead, just like the Port Mafia victim. All the victims of that machine are dead. Except Dazai.
Chuuya is dangerously close to breaking the ground under his feet, after all.
Gravely, Yosano begins to explain everything she knows to him.
Akutagawa has many questions.
That's something that tends to happen to him when it comes to his mentor (or should I call him his former mentor? For some reason, he doesn't like that idea, so he doesn't). Akutagawa wants to ask if what Mori said was true. Not the torture thing, he's sure his mentor wouldn't lie about that, but about that particular sentence the Port Mafia boss dropped so easily: "I wouldn't have had to cut so deep if you had trained your subordinate better." "
Does that mean that Mori injured Dazai because of... Akutagawa? Was it because he was wrong over and over again? Because he was careless and insufficient over and over again?
Akutagawa feels guilty. A lot. All this time, he thought of Dazai as a powerful and invincible being, not realizing that by thinking so, he stopped seeing his mentor as a human being. He needs to apologize, he needs to say something.
"Dazai-san, I-"
"I'm sorry" Dazai says suddenly, looking directly at Akutagawa, and the black-haired boy feels as if they are looking right into his soul.
What... what did he say? I'm sorry? But how? Why?
"I'm sorry Akutagawa-kun. I was a horrible mentor to you, I can see it better now" Dazai continues. A lot of conflicting emotions can be seen flashing through his eyes, but he seems to keep them at bay (Akutagawa thinks, fleetingly, that he's never seen his mentor so full of life before), "I understand if you can't forgive me, I wouldn't blame you that's why."
And then, oh god, oh god no, Dazai leans down, curtsying to Akutagawa.
Akutagawa is horrified. That's not right, Dazai shouldn't bow down, never, shouldn't ask for forgiveness.
"Dazai-san!" Akutagawa exclaims, perhaps too loudly, and then leans in as well and says loudly and firmly, "Please don't apologize! Please accept my apologies for everything!"
Dazai straightens up, looking at him with a mixture of sadness and confusion.
"There's nothing you have to apologize for, I do, you were a kid."
"You too," Akutagawa insists, ready to defend his mentor fervently even against himself, "And what Mori did to you... He hurt you. And it was my fault."
"Akutagawa-kun, no, that's not-"
"But I heard him! He said he punished you for my mistakes."
Dazai tenses and purses his lips, a bit uncomfortable with the subject, but remains adamant nonetheless.
"Sometimes he did." Dazai concedes, nodding slowly, "Other times because I stood on the wrong side of the desk. Nothing would have changed that, Akutagawa-kun, and definitely not your lack of mistakes."
"But-"
Dazai shakes his head gently.
"Yes, sometimes the excuse for hurting me was you, but I hurt you for that anyway. I was frustrated, it hurt, I understand now, but it's no excuse." Dazai looks out the window, "I hate him so much. Mori. I didn't know it before, but now I do. I hate him for what he did to me, I can't help it. But you... Maybe I don't have the right to blame Mori for anything, considering how I went with you"
Akutagawa is visibly shocked at that last statement.
"Dazai-san is nothing like Mori-sensei!" He asserts, determined, "You can't be compared to him."
Dazai looks at him, surprised.
"Akutagawa-kun..."
"I'm not saying I was perfect, I know you weren't. But you didn't hurt me, no more than anyone gets hurt in the Port Mafia, and you warned me that's the way it was in the mafia, before I decided to join." Akutagawa says, sounding inspired, as if this is the conversation he's been waiting for forever, "And you taught me many things. You bathed me when you took me to the base, the first day. You gave me my coat. You took me to drinking for the first time and you taught me how to tolerate alcohol. And you left and I hated you for it, but you’re my mentor, Dazai-san. I will always consider you so."
"Oh." Dazai blinks, stunned by Akutagawa's words and how easily he poured his heart into them. It's true, of course, Dazai hit too hard and lost his temper very quickly, and that's not justified, but he also taught Akutagawa to tie a tie, to read and write, to shoot. Not everything is black or white, in the end.
Slowly, Dazai smiles. His expression softened, full of pride and tenderness towards his student. Dazai actually felt pride, a nice, heartwarming feeling right in the center of his chest, just like with Atsushi. Akutagawa had stumbled more times, but he was here, honest and upright, so different from the boy Dazai had picked up in the forest.
And, as the sentiment was right there to be revealed, Dazai, just like Atsushi, voiced it effortlessly: "I'm really proud of you, Akutagawa-kun. You've grown a lot and have shown admirable strength and determination. Never doubt yourself, Ne?"
Akutagawa was momentarily stunned, feeling overwhelmed by his mentor's words. It was what he had always wanted to hear from Dazai, and now that he finally had it, he felt as if he had been offered the most wonderful gift of all. Akutagawa fought back tears. I won't cry, he told himself, crying is for the weak. And then he noticed a tear slide freely down Dazai's cheek. Automatically, Akutagawa worries.
"Dazai-san? Are you alright? Are you hurt?" the younger of the two asked, gravely.
Dazai smiled sweetly and wiped the lone tear from his cheek, shaking his head.
"No, Akutagawa-kun. I'm fine, I just... sometimes tears are necessary, you know? One of the many strange things I've learned these days." Dazai answered sincerely, because he might as well teach the boy some of the healthy things that Chuuya was teaching him, "But let me ask you something, would you like a hug? I've found that they can be very comforting."
Akutagawa's eyes almost popped out at his mentor's question. He felt he should say no, but on the other hand, a part of him wanted to nod like a child, hopefully.
"It's- I- Could-"
Dazai chuckled softly and spread his arms wide, almost as if it were a peace offering.
"Come here, Akutagawa-kun"
Akutagawa approached slowly, still uncertain and wary, but finally allowed himself to be wrapped in his mentor's warm arms. It was a gesture of affection and protection that Akutagawa longed for deeply, although he hadn't noticed it until now.
As they hugged, Akutagawa could see that Dazai was, in fact, right about this, as always: Hugs are comforting.
And a tear escaped from Akutagawa's eyes at that moment, no one had to know. An occasional slip up doesn't have to hurt anyone, right?
Dazai, for his part, feels that he has just recovered a small fragment of his broken and lost pieces and has put it back in its place, as if he were making a mosaic of his soul that he thought was empty. He feels hope, too, like he's never felt before. He thinks he's getting pretty used to this, to live.
The moment is intense, but also charged with hope and determination to leave Mori's shadows behind and move forward. One small step at a time.
Right at the moment when they part ways, the door to the conference room opens and Kunikida walks in. The blonde has a serious and worried expression on his face, which makes Dazai go from feeling pleasantly accomplished to uneasy in a single instant. Maybe he was too quick to talk about hope, if Kunikida's expression is anything to go by, he thinks ruefully.
"Dazai, it's urgent that you listen to what Yosano has to say. You need to come with me." Kunikida says, and then places a hand gently on Dazai's back to guide him towards the exit, towards another conference room, too gently. Kunikida is never that careful around him, it makes Dazai's stomach turn with suspicion. Suddenly, he remembers Chuuya's worried expression this morning, after Yosano's call, and he feels a pulse of fear of the unknown.
"What's going on, Kunikida-kun?" he asks cautiously.
Kunikida sighed before answering, keeping his gaze serious and concerned.
"I can't give you details, Dazai, but Yosano has important information that she needs to share with you, and she is the only one who can explain it. It's something that we must address immediately."
Dazai looked at Akutagawa and nodded, indicating that he could accompany him.
"Akutagawa-kun can come too, if he wishes."
Akutagawa was surprised at the mention of his name, but nodded determinedly. If Dazai considered him part of this important conversation, he would be by his side without hesitation.
Together, Dazai, Akutagawa and Kunikida headed towards the room where Yosano was waiting along with Ranpo and Atushi (the latter could not be convinced to stay out of the conversation with the rest of the younger members of the Agency). Chuuya is there too, and there is a mark from his fist on the wall, so whatever Yosano has to say to him, it must not be good.
But Dazai is tired, so instead of obeying his flight instinct, he walks into the room, resigned to whatever is to come.
So he's going to die.
Jah.
It's funny, if Dazai thinks about it carefully. When he first thought he was living, he was actually dying. He's dying.
No, seriusly, it's really funny. Dazai doesn't understand why everyone is so serious around him, don't they get the joke or something?
Dazai knew this was bad news the moment he entered the room, especially from the way the Chuuya looked at him, pained, before clinging to his side like a watchdog. And then Yosano confirmed it.
Here are the facts:
1) All the victims of the stealing-ability machine are now dead, except for Dazai. They all died within two weeks from the time they lost their ability. They all slowly became immunosuppressed, freezing, and eventually suffered multi-organ failure and died. The reason is simple; an ability is part of the user who owns it, like any other organ, and if you rip it out, everything else starts to fail.
2) Dazai's blood tests confirmed their suspicions, and they are sure that he has the same marker in his blood as the other three victims and, therefore, he will die in less than two weeks (considering that he has a total of almost 5 days without his ability). So his days are numbered, that is.
3) The permanent cold that Dazai feels these days is apparently a symptom of dying.
4) If they don't find a way to give Dazai his ability back, his death is certain.
5) Ranpo has a plan: The detective already knows where the remains of the organization that created the stealing-ability machine are hiding, so it's a matter of putting together an assault strategy for that base (Dazai isn't interested in that).
6) Atsushi says that they are going to save him (what exactly do they call saving?).
7) Chuuya squeezes his shoulder, trying to be comforting, but clearly suffering from his own internal crisis.
Conclusion: The only way for Dazai to live, is for him to get back the reason he wanted to die to begin with; No Longer Human. Which means that he will again be without emotions or feelings, that he will be empty again, wanting to throw himself from a very tall building just to feel something.
Ha, the irony.
Dazai's gaze turns distant. His mind, gloomy.
A heavy silence fell over the room as Dazai processed the facts, silent, head bowed. Chuuya rubbed his arm gently with his gloved hand.
"Mackerel?"
Then, without warning, Dazai begins to laugh hysterically, his laughter echoing through the room like a haunting echo. He starts laughing and can't stop anymore.
The atmosphere turned even more somber as Dazai's laughter continued, hollow and painful, filling the space with a sense of despair and hopelessness. Everyone present looks at the brunette with a mixture of concern and sadness in their eyes. This was definitely not the reaction they expected.
"Dazai? Are you-?"
Dazai shakes his head, still laughing. Because, seriously, they still don't see how funny this is? How ironic is this?
"No, really, it's… funny," Dazai says between laughs, sounding anything but funny, "Don't you see? Everything I want, everything I get, fades away. Happiness, purpose, everything is lost once I reach it-" he breaks off laughing, then adds, "For the first time I want to live, and I'm dying." Dazai tries to hold back the next laugh, but it explodes in his mouth and fails.
He can't- He can't stop-
There's a fist-shaped hole in the wall of this conference room. Chuuya's fist, to be specific.
Dazai's not dying, not on his damn watch.
But Dazai is missing inside of himself, right now. The brunette sinks in front of Chuuya's eyes, who exchanges worried glances with the others in the room before turning his attention back to Dazai.
Chuuya watched with growing concern as Dazai continued to laugh uncontrollably after his words filled with hopelessness and self-loathing, which still seemed to be echoing in the room. The sound of her hysterical laughter mixed with a few tears welling up in his eyes, creating a confusing and heartbreaking image.
Chuuya hates seeing him like this, suffering, slipping dangerously along the line of sanity. What should he do? How can he help?
How do I bring you back to me, mackerel?
"Oi, Dazai..." Chuuya tries, slowly moving closer to Dazai, feeling a wave of helplessness go through his body.
The others present in the room averted their gazes from Chuuya and Dazai, feeling that it was not something they should witness. Even Ranpo fell silent, staying out of the way.
Chuuya tries to touch Dazai, perhaps hug him, to comfort him in some way, to stop feeling so utterly useless himself, but the brunette stands up from where he is sitting on one of the chairs in the room so quickly that the chair he falls and hits the ground with a crash.
"No." Dazai says, backing away from Chuuya's touch. He no longer laughs. In fact, Chuuya can't see his expression at all, "I need... I need a minute" he mutters, and for the first time since he woke up without No Longer Human, his voice has no emotion at all.
Quickly, Dazai storms out of the conference room, escaping. He's not thinking about a particular place, he just wants to get out (He wish he could get out of his body, because it's too much to be in right now), because there are too many thoughts crashing through his head, and even more feelings reacting accordingly.
Or die feeling alive, or live to wish were dead again.
If Dazai had any energy left, he would scream.
But, right now, Dazai has no energy left... He has none left at all.
"Dazai...Wait!"
Chuuya, of course, tries to go after him. That is both his sentence and his most important promise: He would never abandon Dazai. However, Ranpo stops him before he can do so.
"Get out of my way" Chuuya doesn't have time for this nonsense now.
Ranpo doesn't move an inch, blocking the way between Chuuya and the door very calmly.
"Dazai needs a minute. Let's give him a minute. He'll be fine." The detective easily affirms.
Chuuya is outraged, because Dazai is obviously not well, but he doesn't try to fight Ranpo to get him out of the way, because he knows what the cocky detective is referring to: Dazai will be physically fine for now, Chuuya can give him the minute he needs.
"Tsk. One minute. If you cross my path to the door after that, I won't answer for what I do to you."
Ranpo smiles back, all sharp and sharp, and pats Chuuya on the shoulder like the redhead is a fucking little kid.
"I like you, Mr. Fancy Hat," he says, and then stands in the center of the room and adjusts his glasses. Under the glass, his look changes completely, and he begins to explain the plan step by step.
Meanwhile, both Chuuya and Dazai can feel, where they are respectively, like a countdown destined to end badly whether it is completed or stopped, digs its nails into their backs with force.
Or die feeling alive, or live to wish were dead again.
Notes:
Fun fact: It's canon that Dazai would take Akutagawa out drinking when he was in the mob, and Dazai tying Aku's tie is official art. So I needed to mention him in the fic, because I think his mentor-student relationship is so underrated~
• • • •
By the way, I have to let you know that next Saturday I probably won't publish a chapter, or that it will be much shorter, because my week of final exams at the university has arrived and well, I need to breathe the subjects. Notice in case there is no chapter next Saturday, I didn't die, I'm just a university. On Saturday that follows, it will return to its usual programming because I will be on vacation. Anyway, putting aside my monologue...
So... What did you think of this chapter?
Let me know in a comment if you want me to continue it <3
Finally, to keep the excitement going (*wink wink*), some keywords for the next: Plan. Choices. Arcade. Bar.
Suggestions are always welcome! XOXO
Chapter 12: “12”
Summary:
The Agency has a plan. Dazai makes a difficult choice. Chuuya and Dazai take a little trip down memory lane. Life turns bittersweet for a while.
Notes:
TW: For suicidal thoughts. It's typical of Dazai, but notice either way.
If I had to define this chapter of almost 8,000 words in one, that would be: Bittersweet.
Enjoy it!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Dazai's footsteps led him to the Agency baths, empty at the moment and, thank the gods, silent as well. That was good, because Dazai's head was already loud enough to add outside noise as well.
The sound of water dripping from the small leak in the third sink was the only sound that echoed through the small space, creating an atmosphere of silence broken only by his own heavy breathing. Dazai huddled in the corner of the baths, hugging his legs to his chest as he emptily tried to clear his mind and think.
Thinking with such overwhelming and enormous emotions was so difficult…
The thought of having to live without his emotions again, losing everything he had learned to value and experience… It was killing him much faster than the lack of his ability in his body. He remembered an old lesson disguised as a story that Mori once taught him: A free trial is an essential condition if we want to bind someone to us. A person can reject even the most tempting offer, because he doesn't know it, but if you give him a taste, then that person can never live the same again. That person will forever crave what tasted once. And then the person will be yours.
Dazai is sickened by the memory, especially since, in some twisted way, the same principle from that tale applies to him now. Even if Dazai used to want to die because of how empty he felt when he had his ability, he had learned to live without the full emotions, because in the end he knew no other way of life, but now… Now, Dazai knows what sadness and pain are, but he also knows what joy is, flavors, hugs, emotion, love. And how could he go back to living an empty life after having tasted, held in his hands, what it feels like to live as a human being? After having felt?
It's obvious: He couldn't.
The prospect of losing it all again felt like a hand squeezing his throat tighter and tighter as he writhed beneath with no escape but death.
The fear of death was there too, of course, breathing down his neck like a hideous dog, because Dazai was foolish enough to have believed, just for a moment, that he deserved to live. However, that fear is dwarfed by the prospect of a lifetime that will be no life at all, a life destined to be torture, an eternal void, where Dazai will once again be too far away from the Agency, from Akutagawa, from Chuuya.
Because of course there's Chuuya, and Dazai is going to hurt him, right? It was meant to happen. Dazai will hurt him no matter what decision he makes...
He feels nauseous.
His mind is in an internal struggle, trying to find a way out, his thoughts trying to take precedence over his emotions in a losing fight as they search for an answer that would allow him to find a balance between the desire to live and the fear of losing himself. But that doesn't exist.
Hope is for fools, Dazai knew that, but he was a fool in the end.
It had been nice, even if it was only for a moment, to imagine a life. A life with Chuuya. A life with all the people that he has actually discovered that he loves. It had been pretty, yes, but it was only an illusion. Dazai knew better than that, he shouldn't have let his guard down, he shouldn't have allowed himself to hope.
Now, Dazai is trapped: It's a crossroads, a check, he's out of moves and he's watching his king fall onto the board in front of him in slow motion. And he drowns while it happens. He's drowning now.
Because Dazai doesn't want to die, but…he doesn't want to live unworthy of being a human again. No, he won't.
He-won't.
In his mind, his own voice taunts him: What a pathetic attempt at being human.
And Dazai, huddled in the corner of the bathroom like a broken doll, has to agree with that.
Ranpo's plan is as follows: A group from the Agency will go to where he has deduced that the base of the small organization that created the stealing-ability machine is, to get information and thus find a way to reverse the effect and restore Dazai's ability, in order to prevent him from dying, you know, the important thing. At first, Chuuya wanted to go too, but Ranpo quickly stated that that was impossible: Dazai evidently needs him, something Chuuya must agree to, even if grudgingly (because, in the end, the truth is that Chuuya wouldn't be able to leave Dazai alone, not now). Eventually, it's decided that Akutagawa will accompany the ADA team heading to this base (mainly at Akutagawa's own insistence, though Chuuya agrees). It's a solid plan, and Chuuya tries to hold on to it so he doesn't fall into a downward spiral of darkness or feel Dazai as an imminent loss.
Shit, this it's so fucking unfair.
But there is a plan. There is a plan and Dazai will be okay. Dazai is going to be fine. Chuuya won't let him die no matter what. If Chuuya needs to burn down the world to save Dazai, then someone give him the damn matches at once.
At this time, Chuuya heads to the Agency baths to check on Dazai. The cocky detective told him that that's where he would find Dazai, and Chuuya decided to listen to him because even though he doesn't like the idiot, it seems like he tends to be right about such things. Also, Chuuya apparently owes a lot of candy to that smug detective over information. Fuck it.
Chuuya opens the door to the Agency toilets with a gentle push. Dazai, indeed, is there: The darkness of the bathrooms envelops the brunette, whose figure looks suddenly and disconcertingly fragile and vulnerable in the corner, like a wounded and scared animal that will bite you if you make a wrong move in its direction. Chuuya, finding him in that position, felt a mix of fear and anger fighting to take over him. His heart was pounding in his ears, mad with concern for Dazai's condition, but also frustrated by his own helplessness to understand what's going on in the mind of the man in front of him, because Dazai seems to close in on himself more and more, and no matter how Chuuya stretches out his hand (as always), he doesn't reach him.
The redhead cautiously approaches, not knowing how to proceed so as not to say the wrong thing or scare Dazai even more. His steps are slow and silent, as if he fears to break the fragile bubble that surrounds his partner. Arriving next to him, Chuuya lay next to him on the floor, not daring to touch him at first, but feeling the need to be close, to offer some kind of support. Damn, to offer him something, anything, just-
Nothing has ever frustrated Chuuya like not being able to solve things with his skill or his fists. He hates feeling stuck here, while Dazai is lost before his eyes.
So Chuuya tried: "Dazai?" he murmured in a soft voice reserved only for this wonderful madman sitting next to him.
Dazai blinks, raising his head a little, as if reacting to Chuuya's presence for the first time since the redhead entered the baths, but he didn't respond. Instead, the brunette rested his chin on his knees, still looking straight ahead, still so lost.
Chuuya pursed his lips for a moment, feeling desperation and frustration clawing at his chest in a fucking nasty mix, and he tried again, "Oi, mackerel, you don't have... you don't have to worry, okay? That cocky detective friend of yours has a plan, none of your stupid Agency buddies will let you die. And damn, neither do I. Let's save you, okay? You're my- You're my-" Chuuya feels breathless because Dazai is so, so many things to him... "You're my damn partner, I'm not letting anything fucking happen to you"
Chuuya hopes to comfort him (although he's really not entirely sure if those words are meant to be comforting to Dazai or himself), but all his words do is make Dazai tense up a bit, still not responding.
Chuuya stretches out his hand to put it on top of Dazai's, worry making him impatient: "Come on, Dazai, let me-"
The redhead abruptly stops his words when, touching Dazai's hand, he is surprised by how cold it feels. Dazai is frozen, like he's in a damn freezer, and Chuuya's concern explodes into a note of panic as he remembers Doctor Yosano's words...
Victims froze to death.
"Fuck, Shitty Dazai, you're freezing." Chuuya mutters, taking off his big black coat to wrap it around Dazai's shoulders, rubbing his arms up and down to warm him up.
At that, Dazai finally reacts, huffing and puffing as Chuuya acts like some kind of mother hen.
"Yeah, until death, apparently" Dazai replies. A dark joke that fails to fully disguise the aching hopelessness that has stained his brown eyes.
Chuuya frowned at that, further frustrated (if that was even fucking possible) at Dazai's attitude and the shady joke he'd just pulled.
"Stop talking nonsense! I won't let you talk like that. I won't let you give up!" Chuuya snapped, more abruptly than he intended, as he shook Dazai to look at him.
Dazai finally looked at Chuuya, finding a mix of worry, frustration, panic, and anger in the redhead's blue eyes. Guilt settled in Dazai's chest, thick as molasses, so did the pain, and the deep love he felt for Chuuya (if he lived, he was going to lose all those things, everything). However, hopelessness was inside Dazai as well, contaminating all other emotions. Hopelessness wasn't like emptiness, it wasn't like emotionlessness, it was like standing in the middle of an abyss with no visible exit, and it hurt like a dull ache that you have to get used to. Hopelessness was worse than fear, Dazai decided, a much more dangerous emotion.
And hopelessness was what spoke as Dazai said, his eyes so deeply tired as he looked Chuuya square in the eye, "What do you expect of me, Chuuya?"
Chuuya completely twitched because... Wasn't that obvious? The anger and fear within Chuuya merged into intense determination. He wasn't about to let Dazai sink into despair, not fucking. Dazai wasn't allowed to leave him, not after he had told Chuuya that he loved him, not after he had allowed Chuuya to love him. No way.
"Fight, Dazai. You haven't been such a fucking thorn in my ass since I was fifteen to give up so easily."
Dazai's eyes sparkled with pent-up tears, but he didn't shed any, instead he just sighed softly.
"You're quite the masochist if you still want to keep this thorn in your ass, Chuuya" Dazai pointed out, looking a bit more like himself, though still subdued.
Chuuya hugged Dazai tightly, laughing despite himself. "If it is, then it's my fucking problem, nobody else's," he snorted.
Dazai allowed himself to be hugged, closing his eyes as love and pain mixed inside him, because hugs were wonderful but, soon, he wouldn't feel any more.
"I'm taking you home now, Dazai, okay?"
Dazai separates himself from Chuuya, his eyes looking so dull that seeing them almost physically hurts Chuuya from helplessness.
"'kay, Chuuya..." Dazai replies, reaching out and placing his hand on Chuuya's cheek, and suddenly there is so much in his eyes that Chuuya loses his breath as he looks at him.
For an instant, it seems that Dazai is about to say something, something important, the pain and love and resignation in his eyes are overwhelming. And then suddenly, Dazai jumps to his feet and loudly exclaims, "Race up to the street!" And he runs out of the bathroom.
Chuuya snorts, almost disappointed, endlessly worried. He knows Dazai has chosen to pretend he's okay, it's a role the brunette has played before, but it's worse now because, without No Longer Human, Dazai can't help but let some stormy emotions escape his eyes even if he's grinning like a fool.
However, Chuuya can't do anything more about it at the moment, so he just gets up and runs after Dazai, pretending they're competing in a race, pretending they're rivals in a game, like they always have.
Dazai rushed away from Chuuya, feeling the overwhelming weight of their little conversation, running because this was all too much, it was overwhelming and it was a choice Dazai had to make and no matter what his choice was, he was going to hurt Chuuya anyway, and Chuuya didn't realize that, how could Chuuya not realize that?
Running as if he could escape his own predicament, Dazai burst through the building's front doors and out, Chuuya's coat still hanging from his shoulders. The wind hit him in the face, a rough caress, and Dazai moved forward until he was on the street. Shaken from running, he leaned back and took a deep breath. That's when he saw the car coming out of the corner of his eye, so close he could hit it in a second if Dazai didn't step back.
So close that he could end all of Dazai's problems in a second... The fleeting but powerful idea of not moving to let the car run over him as a way to end it all seeped into his mind, to end it all now that he is at least still a human being... Why wait to be dying painfully? Why wait to be empty? He thought, feeling slightly hysterical at the idea. It was a fleeting thought, but a powerful one, and it rocked Dazai through and through.
But no, he shouldn't...he didn't want to-
Just as the car was getting dangerously close and Dazai was about to back off to save himself, Chuuya acted with surprising speed. The redhead grabbed Dazai around the waist and pulled him back, avoiding the collision. Dazai stood swaying, his heart pounding as the car passed by, honking its horn, not stopping.
Chuuya kept his firm grip around Dazai for a moment too long and not long enough, as his hands trembled slightly. His gaze was filled with concern and fear, reflecting the intensity of the situation.
"Are you crazy? What the hell are you thinking, Dazai? You should have been more careful!" Chuuya snapped, his voice trembling slightly under the anger he was feigning. That had been so fucking close.
Dazai, still dazed by the nearness of death, felt a chill run down his back. The brunette can clearly feel the force with which Chuuya's heart is beating against his back, probably matching the sound of his own racing heart. He almost... shit... he almost... And in front of Chuuya. Dazai doesn't know if he's more shocked by the strange sensation of the late-come fear of a near-death experience or by the fact that, for a moment, he actually considered standing there and just- just ending it all. How could he-?
But Chuuya couldn't know that, nothing like that. Chuuya must not have known that for a moment Dazai was really going to let that car- God.
"Sorry" he muttered, slumping against Chuuya, as if this last moment had drained what little energy he had left, "I... ran too fast, didn't notice the car." he mutters, and technically that's not entirely a lie, or at least, it's the part of the truth that Chuuya needs to hear, "What a scare. Is that how you pronounce that expression? I hope so, fear is new to me." Dazai snorted, stammering a nervous laugh, trying to appear relaxed.
Chuuya loosened his grip slightly, allowing Dazai to recover from his shock, but without letting go completely (he didn't feel like letting go yet), and sighed in relief.
"Idiot." Chuuya snorted, resting his forehead on Dazai's back, "You're going to give me a fucking heart attack one of these days, you fucking mackerel. But yeah, scare is the right fucking expression, dammit."
Dazai swallowed, guilt and fear feeling like two monsters standing on his shoulders. At least the warmth of Chuuya's embrace helped scare them away a bit. God, he loved Chuuya so much that his chest ached. This wasn't fair. Nothing of this.
"We're going home now and I'm not letting you go until we get there, got it, Shitty Dazai?" Chuuya nods determinedly, after they spend a few moments just feeling each other's heartbeat to calm down.
Dazai finally disentangles himself from Chuuya to look at him, and nods.
"I would be very happy if Chuuya never let me go" Dazai affirms, suddenly serious, and surprises the redhead with his words. Dazai means it, he tends to say what he's feeling more than he should because he's still new to emotions, but Chuuya likes that. Having access to the depths of Dazai's heart is a precious treasure in itself.
"Of course you would be," Chuuya states with fake smugness to hide the brunette's words almost making him blush like a fucking schoolgirl, and then he grabs Dazai's arm and pulls him to start walking, making sure to walk on the street side of the sidewalk while keeping Dazai on the side of the houses and buildings, safe.
As Chuuya leads the way, he is unable to see Dazai's expression, the deep resignation in his eyes as he pretends to be calm.
For a moment, when Chuuya came out of the Agency building and saw Dazai, the redhead had almost believed that the brunette had stayed in the middle of the street on purpose, as if waiting to be run over. But that was ridiculous, Dazai just got distracted and scared. The brunette was very overwhelmed, he was allowed to get distracted, Chuuya was there to catch him anyway. To keep him safe.
They were going to be okay.
(Sometimes people are so desperate that they miss the early warning signs of something that is about to become a catastrophe.)
Chuuya's house no longer felt so nice when Dazai sat on the sofa, the same sofa where only the day before he had felt hope and kept the promise of the possibility of a life. How delusional. Now this apartment feels oppressive, tastes of guilt and loss and a whole bunch of blue, sad emotions all at once. It makes Dazai's chest ache.
Chuuya moves around the apartment for a bit, giving Dazai a bit of space, or rather the illusion of space, as he doesn't stop watching him like a hawk (Dazai can't say he cares, he knows he scared Chuuya, and now that Dazai knows what fear feels like, he feels quite guilty for making Chuuya feel that way).
The redhead makes something to eat and some tea, and puts it all on the coffee table, but Dazai doesn't eat anything (everything tastes bittersweet when you're about to lose it, Dazai has discovered). The truth is, Chuuya isn't very hungry either after the horrible day he's had, where he threatened his damn boss with death (for completely justified reasons) and then found out that Dazai was slowly dying because of what made him feel alive in the first place. Yes, everything is so screwed up, so the redhead doesn't blame Dazai for huddled on the couch quietly for the last hour, but he still has to try to get the brunette to eat a little, even if it's just some cold onigiri (And, just maybe, he also secretly hopes he'll see a genuine smile again if Dazai eats a little).
"Oi mackerel, these onigiris are yours," Chuuya snaps, pulling the plate over to Dazai and setting it on the edge of the table in front of him.
Dazai doesn't even glance at the onigiris. Instead, he leans back against the sofa and tilts his head back, staring at the ceiling.
"Mori must be very angry with Chuuya right now" the brunette points out, almost absently.
And yes, that matter had probably faded to the background in Dazai's mind after the whole impending doom thing, but that doesn't mean the brunette had forgotten about it. Chuuya had buried the mafia boss in cement like a bug, in front of three of his other subordinates, all for Dazai. Chuuya had found out everything that Mori- what Mori had done to him, and had believed Dazai. All of that had been very real.
Chuuya frowned at Dazai's words. The fire of his anger against Mori hadn't died down yet, it had simply been relegated to the background for now.
"I don't give a shit what that bastard feels or thinks right now," the redhead growled from the pillow on the floor where he's sitting next to the coffee table.
Dazai snorts. "I'm sorry" he says, "I know you admired him"
"No, Dazai, I'm sorry. Until today when- when you faced him- Everything he did to you- I didn't realize it was so bad..." Chuuya looks at Dazai even though the brunette isn't looking at him, and his own words seem to physically hurt him.
"Yeah, me neither" Dazai sighed bitterly, because it's true. No Longer Human was both a curse and a blessing when Dazai was forced into Mori's hands.
Chuuya clenches his fists resting on his knees until his knuckles turn white. "I should have noticed," he states, "I should have noticed. I just dammit should have noticed."
At that, Dazai looks at Chuuya and shakes his head in denial.
"I didn't want you to. And neither did Mori. That was enough." The brown-haired man says softly, sounding a little disconnected from his own experiences even with all the feelings that are turning his stomach now, "I didn't let you notice. I didn't even know he was doing something wrong, much less Chuuya could know."
Chuuya shakes his head. He doesn't care that Dazai is right, the guilt still remains stuck in his throat.
"But it hurt you." Chuuya takes a deep breath, keeping his rage at bay to lash out at the wrong person.
Dazai's eyes fill with tears totally against his will. Terrible and inconvenient emotions.
"Did." The brunette murmurs, and it is as difficult and as easy to say as it is for an atheist to formulate a prayer.
It does. Everything hurts now.
"I know. So I don't care if Mori is angry. I don't care if the rumor that I rose up against him spreads through the mafia. I was soft. I should have killed him" I should have killed him for what he did to you.
Dazai also wanted to kill him. After giving him that punch, a part of him, a terribly emotional and illogical part because of No Longer Human's absence, wanted to take Mori's own scalpel hidden in his belt and stab him with it. But he didn't. He doesn't think that would have made him feel any better. Dead or alive, Mori would still be the person who did all this to Dazai. The person who hurt him. And dead was too much trouble for Yokohama to be worth.
"You can't. You know what would happen. We already talked about it," Dazai points out softly, an echo of his words from the day before, with no real force.
"I would still do it. If you asked me to"
And Dazai knows it, but still Chuuya's words, Chuuya's trust and love, still hit him with a punch and knock his breath away.
A few tears finally spill down Dazai's pale cheeks, definitely unauthorized tears and completely against his will, and the brunette rushes to wipe them away forcefully with the back of his hand. Chuuya is startled to see him cry, feeling nervous. He still isn't quite used to this, even after all. Powerful men like them are surprisingly easily agitated by tears.
Chuuya gets up and sits next to Dazai on the couch, placing a tentative hand on Dazai's knee.
"O-Oi Dazai, don't cry, hey-"
"I think I'm going to die, Chuuya" Dazai muttered in a wet voice.
"Of course not. Didn't you hear me before? I'm not letting you die. Neither I nor anyone else"
But Chuuya doesn't get it, that's not what Dazai is talking about, no. He feels that if he lives, he is going to die. And he can't- Dazai thinks he's going to die, but that's not what made him cry, it's the reason why he believes it: A choice he just made.
The brunette allows Chuuya to hug him, allows Chuuya to believe that he is collapsing because he is afraid of death and not life, and does not allow Chuuya to realize that there is a decision he has already made.
Dazai doesn't deserve Chuuya. Chuuya don't deserved the pain that Dazai is going to cause him. Staying in the redhead's arms is incredibly selfish... But even so, the brunette can't find the strength to move away. Not now. Not yet. Not with a ticking clock on his back.
Dazai snuggles into Chuuya, clinging to the warmth and love and please, just a little longer, just let me have this a little longer. And Chuuya holds him like a beacon in the storm, firm arms and soft, determined words around him.
Just a little more.
After a while, the exhaustion from the horrible day they've had catches up with both of them. They fall asleep like this, with Dazai half lying on top of Chuuya, while the redhead wraps his arms around Dazai protectively.
Just a little more.
Chuuya didn't wake up because of the sun rays coming through his window. He awoke to the sound of a cough echoing against his chest. What?
The redhead's eyes snapped open. That was Dazai coughing. That didn't sound good.
Dazai was still half lying on top of Chuuya on the couch where they had both fallen asleep yesterday, but his entire body was shaking as he coughed, covering his mouth with a clenched fist.
Chuuya, heart in his throat, quickly helped Dazai upright so he could breathe easier. This was another symptom, wasn't it? Another damn symptom that Dazai might-
"Easy, easy, mackerel" the redhead murmured, gently rubbing Dazai's back with the palm of his hand until the brunette stopped coughing and could take a deep breath. Chuuya looked at him worriedly, trying to meet his gaze to make sure that what was happening was not serious. There was no blood on Dazai's fist as he pulled it away from his mouth. That was good, very good. It had just been a bit of a cough, then. "Are you alright mackerel?"
Dazai nodded, wrinkling his nose. "That was nasty," he pointed out, in the slightly hoarse voice of someone who's just woken up.
Chuuya made a face. He comes up with much stronger words than nasty.
"That's one way of putting it," Chuuya snorted, and reached out to take one of Dazai's hands in his. It was cold.
"Shit, you're feeling cold Dazai" he pointed out, the concern too clear in his voice for his usual liking.
Dazai had been cold all these past few days and Chuuya hadn't realized that this wasn't normal. It's he colder than yesterday? Is it getting worse?
But Dazai just smiled at him. There was something different in his eyes, something that Chuuya couldn't quite identify. His eyes weren't look in pain anymore, but he didn't look like himself either.
"You say the cutest things, Slug," Dazai hums, and then more seriously, he mutters, "I'm fine, Chuuya doesn't have to worry."
The redhead shook his head and wrapped the blanket tightly around Dazai's shoulders. Then, apparently having decided that wasn't enough, Chuuya ran to his room and came back with a scarf and a pair of gloves. He put on Dazai's gloves himself and wrapped the warm red scarf around his neck. Only then did he seem satisfied.
Dazai accepted the attention with ease, looking at Chuuya as if just watching him move was a delight in itself, as if he was... absorbing every detail of the redhead he could, drinking in his image.
"Calm down slug, my expiration date isn't today," Dazai points out.
Chuuya frowns and punches him with no real force in the arm.
"Fuck off." and then, softer: "Today you look...enlivened," he points out, instead of using a word like better.
As if on cue, Dazai jumps up from the couch, grinning.
"You know? Today I want to go to a special place" he comments with a playful smile on his lips. The blanket, gloves, and scarf make him look even slimmer than he already is.
Chuuya looks at him suspiciously. "Where?"
Dazai tilts his head to look at Chuuya where he is still sitting on the sofa: "Do you remember the Arcade we used to go to when we were fifteen? I want to go there"
The redhead raises both eyebrows in surprise. That was not expected.
"Do you want to go to the Arcade? We don't even know if that place is still standing" Chuuya points out, and it's true. Many places from his teenage years, like that Ramen place they went to eat after missions, have been demolished over the years.
"It's still there. I checked it not too long ago"
"You...did you check?"
"A few weeks ago, Atsushi-kun wanted to take Kyoka-chan somewhere to play video games, and I thought they'd have fun there," Like us. Dazai points out, looking up at the ceiling, a little embarrassed to admit it. If sticky inconvenient feelings exist, shame should come first, "I made you my dog in that place after all, right? Good memories," he hums, teasing. Before, the chestnut used humor to hide his lack of emotions, now he uses humor to hide his emotions.
Chuuya throws him a pillow. Some jokes never die.
"You're never going to forget that bet, are you, asshole?"
Dazai smiles at him, all wide and mischievous. Chuuya's heart, damn traitor, beats hard against his will.
"This could be your chance for a rematch, Chuu-ya" Dazai looks at him, blinking exaggeratedly as if trying to exemplify how tempting the offer is. Chuuya feels a terrible urge to push him against the couch and kiss him on the nose and take him wherever the fuck he asks. However, his rational side wins out and he shakes his head.
"I don't think it's a good idea, Dazai. You're supposed to take it easy and rest until your Agency idiots find the solution" The redhead pointed out, not even bothering to hide his concern. That no longer makes sense at this point.
"Since when did Slug become a killjoy?"
"I'm being serious here, Dazai. You were coughing just a few minutes ago."
Dazai sighed, plopping down next to Chuuya on the couch.
"Chuuya, I just want to do some fun stuff, you know, just in case."
"Just in case?" Chuuya snaps, twitching and facing Dazai. He doesn't like the sound of that at all, "What the hell are you getting at?"
"I just want to make sure there are a few things I can do before…"
"Don't say that! How many times do I have to tell you, you stupid mackerel? I'm not going to let you die."
Dazai sighs like he's talking to a little kid. Bastard. Chuuya is the one who feels like he's talking to a little kid here!
"I know, Chuuya, I know. I believe you." Dazai sighs softly, "But I just... There are so many things I want to do and... even if I survive, my ability won't allow I..." Dazai pauses for a moment, as if struggling with the words, "I just... want to live as long as I can now that I can still feel."
Shit. Chuuya had been so worried about saving Dazai's life that he hadn't given a thought to what would happen when Dazai retrieved No Longer Human… Dazai would only feel echoes again, right? Their time is running out anyway... The redhead doesn't want to think about it, he doesn't want to think about the possibilities and everything they're both going to lose. Chuuya prefers to be optimistic, even if optimism is for fools, and imagine that everything will be fine, he's going to help Dazai control No Longer Human, he will, and everything will be fucking fine because the redhead doesn't accept any other possibility, period, damn it.
Chuuya looks Dazai in the eye. Dazai's gaze looks strangely... determined, but Chuuya doesn't know why and doesn't question it enough because in those brown eyes there is also a silent plea, a request. And who is Chuuya to deny it?
"If you're sure you're feeling okay, then I guess we can go to the Arcade," Chuuya finally says, sighing in resignation, but relieved that at least Dazai doesn't seem as withdrawn as he did yesterday, "And don't think I'll be easy. I'm going to sweep your ass across the machines." he nods, just to make sure he doesn't sound excessively soft.
"Yeah, sure." his tough image falls apart when Dazai gives him a sudden kiss on the nose.
"Hah?!" Chuuya is startled. His cheeks turn as red as his skill. That was…was…That caught him off guard!
Dazai gets up from the couch, laughing at Chuuya's expression.
"Chuuya looks cute in red" he points out, amused, "I'm going to get dressed!" Says the bastard, trying to escape into the room.
"Don't you dare!" Chuuya grumbles, and uses his ability to pull Dazai back to him and grab him around the waist.
"Oh!" Dazai is surprised, but still enjoys the feeling of Chuuya's ability. For the Tainted Sorrow tickles him. Dazai, all forgiving, tilts his head to be at the same height so that Chuuya can grab his hair and kiss him. The blanket falls off his shoulders.
"I win" Chuuya announces breathlessly as they part, then goes to get dressed so as not to give Dazai a chance to tease him about how red his face looks.
Dazai smiles, this time incredibly wistful, sad at the deepest edges.
"No" he mutters, low enough that Chuuya can't hear him, "I win"
Meanwhile, Chuuya tries not to think about the fact that even with Dazai in his arms, even with his hands in his hair and his lips on his, Dazai had felt incredibly far away...
Chuuya shakes his head as he searches his closet for the warmest clothes for Dazai (could he get Dazai to wear snow pants? it would be difficult), he is already starting to think nonsense and see things where there are none.
The arcade that Dazai and Chuuya arrived at seemed frozen in time. It was as if they had gone back to their fifteen year old days. The same machines, the same bright lights and the same excitement in the air. The place was almost empty except for a trio of children playing in the background.
"Look, Chuuya, it's our machines!" Dazai points, looking bright and excited. This is the first time he has experienced the feeling of nostalgic joy, and he loves it. Every time he think he've experienced all the feelings, a new one arises and he reaffirm that there are too many combinations. That must be the cause of how illogical humanity is, he decides.
Chuuya smirks. He hasn't been here since he and Dazai stopped coming when they turned seventeen, but his memories of the place are good nonetheless. In this place, even for a short period of time, they could act like the children they really were.
Dazai and Chuuya sat on the machines facing each other, as they did before, a small smile on their faces at the recollection.
"I can't believe all this is still here," Chuuya states, looking around with bright eyes. A pleasant warmth blooms in the redhead's chest knowing that Dazai, of all the places he could have wanted to go, wanted to come here first, to a place that was theirs. The place where, in a way, they had started.
Dazai happily hums an agreement, fiddling with a few buttons before beginning. "You know, I always wondered what it would feel like to get excited about these games the way Chuuya did," Dazai acknowledges, stroking the joystick with his fingers, "You seemed so…excited and angry and…happy. And you had so much fun I could almost have a little fun through you…I think."
Dazai is rambling, Chuuya notes, looking at his partner with a bit of sadness. He needs to do something about it, and he does.
"Come on, blue mackerel, let's play, I dare you"
Dazai smiled genuinely again at Chuuya's proposal.
"Chuuya wants to remember the old days when he became my dog?" he asks her, playful.
"That's not going to happen again. Wait and see, I'm much better than you at this"
Dazai smirks, "Slug dreams! You know I'm the undisputed king of this game."
Chuuya answers him with a playful smile and defiant and determined eyes, "We'll see about that."
The brunette can already begin to feel the emotion and adrenaline of a game being born in his chest, he decides that he likes that feeling. Now he can understand why Chuuya yelled so much when they played on these machines or on the small handheld consoles. Dazai likes how it feels.
They each put a coin in the slot, and then the game and the challenge begin, and then Dazai and Chuuya are fifteen again and they are playing and shouting and vibrating with joy, enjoying the moment and forgetting all worries just for a moment. Standing there, laughing and yelling at each other, they looked like just a couple of teenagers in love.
Dazai, in particular, drinks in this moment as much as he can, trying to immortalize it all in his brain as if trying to build a three-dimensional photograph to keep with him: Chuuya's laugh, the twinkle in his blue eyes, the way he jumps and screams in excitement and frustration, even the clothes Dazai himself is wearing, the clothes that Chuuya choosed for Dazai, who seems dressed for winter instead of the current spring...
He tries to keep all of that within himself... To have it when he has nothing left.
"Bad Dog!"
"Fuck you mackerel! I almost got you!"
"Never!"
"I told you you couldn't beat me!"
"Sorry, did Chuuya say something? I can't hear it from my pedestal in the first place."
"Bandage bastard!"
The children playing in the corner watched the two twenty two year old adults yelling at each other as they played strangely. They were... weird. Did they at least seem to be having a good time? Anyway, the kids left early, and that left Dazai and Chuuya alone, competing like a crazy pair.
Ultimately, Dazai won. The brunette leaned back, laughing, and Chuuya caught him with his ability so he wouldn't fall even if he was fucking indignant.
"Chuuya is still my dog!" Dazai yelled, feeling invigorated by the game and the adrenaline rush.
Chuuya couldn't help but feel happy to see Dazai smile again, even if he had been beaten in the game. However, the redhead still had to maintain his pride, so he growled, "I'm not! You cheated, Shitty Dazai!"
"Chuuya is a sore lose-er" Dazai hummed happily, cradled by For The Tainted Sorrow.
"I demand a bloody rematch!" Chuuya pointed a finger at Dazai.
Dazai beamed at him.
"You got it."
And they continue to play.
In the end, Dazai and Chuuya complete a total of four matches. Two are won by Dazai, and Chuuya wins the other two. They decide to save the fifth for another time (well, Chuuya decides. Dazai acts quite evasive when Chuuya talks about the future or makes any reference to it).
Dazai stands up and stretches out his arms, "That was so exhilarating!" he exclaims, smiling.
Chuuya rolls his eyes, smirking. He can't disagree with that. Playing with Dazai again was fucking exhilarating and amazing and God.
Chuuya approaches Dazai and grabs him by the waist, so small for someone of Dazai's height.
"You're so sexy when you're smiling like that" Chuuya stated, grabbing Dazai's hair between his fingers.
Dazai was surprised, blushing totally against his will (inconvenient emotions, here we go). He is used to giving compliments and joking, but not receiving compliments. Chuuya definitely knows how to disarm the brunette and make his knees tremble.
"Chuuya can't say things like that without warning!" Dazai complains, pouting his lips.
Chuuya smiles and pulls Dazai down until their noses touch.
"So sexy. Cute. Adorable"
Dazai's face turns all red. Chuuya has struck gold.
"Chuuuuya!"
"I'm going to kiss you now, mackerel," Chuuya informs, very solemnly, and then kisses Dazai, the adrenaline from the games still tickling the edges of both of them.
Dazai quickly indulges in the kiss, his entire expression instantly relaxing. Chuuya's kisses are one of his new favorite things. Before, the brunette didn't understand why people kissed. What did they feel that made them want to kiss all the time? Now, he can understand it very well. This feels amazing, like fireworks and candy and all the good things in the world.
He really wish they didn't have an expiration date...
After leaving the arcade, Chuuya takes Dazai out for ramen at a place he himself goes to from time to time. It's not the same place they went to after their missions when they were teenagers, but it's enough for Chuuya when he can see the way Dazai's face lights up when he eats, making him feel warm inside (That feeling passes when Dazai decides to remember the time when Chuuya ate ramen in that old place when he was sixteen and his noodles fell out of his nose. How embarrassing.)
In the end, after eating, they find themselves walking down the street, close together in the afternoon sunlight.
"There's another place I want us to go to before we go back," Dazai states, looking at the sky strangely as he speaks.
"Are you sure you can handle it?" Chuuya asks, looking at him with a slight concern in his eyes, "Remember that you still have to take it easy, Shitty Dazai."
"Nonsense, I don't want to go do extreme sports, slug, I just want to go to a bar" the brunette corrects him, dismissing the redhead's concerns with ease, "Lupin's bar, to be precise"
"Why a bar? I mean, if that's why, there's a bar just a block from here…" Chuuya points out, expression tilting. Clearly, Dazai has an idea, a plan, even, and he's not telling Chuuya. Mysterious bastard.
Dazai smiles like he's seeing something Chuuya isn't. Remembering. "Not a bar, that bar. There's…an important part of me in there…I want…I think I'd like you to meet that." This time, Dazai is completely serious.
Chuuya hesitates a bit, but Dazai doesn't look any worse for wear. The brunette looks good, actually, cheerfulness suits you very well. Also, whatever it is, this Lupine bar seems very important to Dazai, and he wants to share it with Chuuya.
The redhead is weak for things like that, so he ends up accepting without putting up too much resistance.
"Well, if you're sure you're okay, then go ahead. Take me to that bar of yours and show me why it's so special" Chuuya smiles at him, poking a finger at his arm, "Surprise me, Shitty Dazai"
Dazai smiles victoriously, though there is a dark shadow in his eyes that the redhead doesn't see.
"Don't I always do it, Chuuya?"
"Yes, yes, whatever you say, mackerel"
In an act of sudden bravery, Dazai takes Chuuya's hand in his own, startling him the crap out of him. The redhead doesn't pull away or remove his hand, though, instead giving it a light squeeze of acknowledgment as he looks away to hide an overly smirk. Chuuya refuses to admit how much he likes this, the feeling of familiarity, of normality, of belonging. Dazai belongs to him, here and now, and everyone who passes by and sees them can see it. Chuuya likes that.
Dazai, for his part, is playing all his cards here, building as many moments as he can, and that gave him the courage to take Chuuya's hand and leave it there as they walk to one of the most important places in Dazai's life.
Later, Chuuya will regret not noticing the signs earlier, not noticing earlier that, throughout the day, Dazai was not only fulfilling a wish list, but closing things like...
Like someone who is already ready to die.
Like someone who has already decided to die.
Notes:
I'm back. I'm finally on vacation and I'll keep uploading a chapter every Saturday (by the way, I passed all my exams, this chapter is one of my ways to celebrate hahaha).
Finally, what did you think? What do you think is the choice that Dazai has made? (I know it might be a bit obvious, but I'd like to read what they have to say anyway)
Keywords for the next chapter: Worried. Gravity. Shaking. (Not) Panic.
Well, do you have any suggestions? What do you think will happen in the Lupine bar? Or after?
See you next Saturday! <3
Chapter 13: “13”
Summary:
Chuuya learns why Lupine's bar is so important to Dazai. And Dazai gets a new experience with gravity. And then, Dazai suffers some dangerous symptoms of his ability loss. Meanwhile, the Agency and Akutagawa make some important discoveries.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The Lupine bar was a place full of nostalgia and memories for Dazai. Its atmosphere was warm and inviting, with dim lighting filtering through the wall lamps, casting dancing shadows on the exposed brick walls. In other times, in that place you would have barely heard the soft clink of three glasses in unison and a laugh darkened by the imminent end to which a traitor, a gangster who did not kill and a boy turned demon turned someone who was destined didn't feel like a human being.
Chuuya didn't see any of that when she entered, of course. There were only two people alive to remember that: One was far away, and the other was standing next to Chuuya.
Emotions didn't hit Dazai, they rocked him, as if he were floating in the open sea, being gently tossed and burned by the sun: The sadness and the feeling of loss mixed with the memory of the joy that the brunette had experienced there, turning all swell in what Dazai knows to be called melancholy.
Dazai closed his eyes for a moment. In the graveyard, Dazai had first felt and let out his grief for Odasaku, so now the feeling of loss felt more like a dull sharp pain in his heart than a sudden explosion. However, until now, he had not yet dimensioned how much Ango's betrayal had hurt him, although in a certain way it had not been something unexpected. Dazai also hadn't dimensioned how happy he had been here, in this small bar that Odasaku had referred to as "A place for the lost". He was happy, and No Longer Human hadn't let him know it.
Why did all happiness inevitably end up becoming the pain produced by the absence of it?
Dazai's eyes widened again as Chuuya lightly touched his arm. When Dazai looked at him, he saw Chuuya's blue eyes looking at him with concern, and suddenly the brunette had come back to the present: In the old bar, it was just him and Chuuya, behind the bar there wasn't even the same bartender, on the chairs there was no one. Not Odasaku. No Ango. Not a young Dazai.
"Are you alright mackerel?"
Dazai nodded slowly, smiling wistfully, his eyes so deeply sad that it worried Chuuya.
"Come sit with me" Dazai requests, looking at the chairs at the bar and walking towards them, expecting Chuuya to follow.
Chuuya feels a restlessness in his chest. Right now, it feels like Dazai is miles away, receding farther and farther away like a lost sailboat carried by the wind toward the bottom, beyond the horizon line. He doesn't like the feeling.
"Why is this place so special?" he asks, sitting in the seat to Dazai's left, trying to ground Dazai into reality a bit, so he doesn't feel like the man is slipping through his fingers.
Dazai smiles, soft and distant, stroking the table like it's valuable.
"Let's order first, shall we?" The brunette mutters, gesturing to the bartender who is cleaning glasses off to the side.
Chuuya has seen many facets of Dazai these days since Dazai lost his ability: He's seen him happy, he's seen him terrified, crying, angry. He has seen him react and he has seen him shrink. But this is... it's brand new. Dazai is being silent, he looks dull and even though he smiles, it seems like he's so so sad... Chuuya doesn't know how to handle it, he's a gangster, and he was a gang member before, he wasn't made to handle any of this. What is he supposed to do?
In the end, Chuuya resigns himself to adapting to the plan that Dazai has drawn up for this situation, since it is clear that the brunette has one. It takes almost no effort: wait and see how Dazai's plan will play out. It is an exercise that he knows.
The bartender approaches them. Chuuya opens his mouth to ask for the best wine he has, but Dazai speaks first.
"Three whiskeys on the rocks, please. Nothing more than that"
"Hah?" Chuuya looks at Dazai suspiciously, "I don't like whiskey mackerel, you know that. Are you messing with me? And why did you order three glasses?"
"Chuuya is sooo impatient" Dazai hums. The only reason why Chuuya doesn't hit him is because it's really a relief to hear that Dazai sounds at least a little like Dazai again.
"Fuck you," the redhead grumbles, but smirks, "What are you planning?"
The bartender puts the drinks in front of Dazai. The chestnut puts a whiskey in front of Chuuya, one in front of him and one in front of the empty seat next to him.
"Remember when we were seventeen and I'd sneak out at night?" Dazai asks.
Chuuya's first impulse is to say no, he didn't give a shit what Dazai did or didn't do back then and therefore it wasn't his problem if Dazai slipped away. But it's just a reflection of old habits, and Chuuya undoes it because he and Dazai are beyond that now.
"Yeah, you did that a lot" Chuuya shrugged.
"Well, I came here" Dazai smiles, fiddling with the ball of ice in his whiskey.
"And you called me an alcoholic?"
Dazai smiles, amused, but still a little distant, inevitably wistful.
"It's just that Chuuya is a lightweight" he hums, taking a sip from his glass. Chuuya is about to protest, but Dazai continues, "Odasaku brought me here shortly after we met."
Chuuya slams his mouth shut. Dazai used to talk a lot about Oda Sakunosuke in his teenage days in the mafia, so much so that Chuuya used to get jealous (jealousy probably related to how he lost his own friends, all of them, at the same time Dazai found one of his own) (not that he ever planned to admit it). Dazai was all like: "Odasaku this, Odasaku that", Chuuya didn't know that errand man, but he knew that Dazai spent a lot of time with him and was fucking annoying about it. However, he didn't understand Sakunosuke's true importance until he saw Dazai passed out in his grave only a few days ago.
"After that, we came here all the time. It's not a regular mafia bar, as you know, so it was just us," Dazai continues, lost in memory, "Then we invited Ango, and then there were three of us"
"Ango? Ango Sakaguchi? The traitor?" In Dazai's days in the mafia, Chuuya that Dazai visited Ango Sakaguchi's office a lot, but it made sense, since the bandaged bastard was an executive.
Dazai smiles bitterly and nods.
"Odasaku called us the Stray dogs, isn't that ridiculous?" Dazai chuckled softly, taking a sip of his whiskey, "I don't even like dogs."
"And you still dared to call me dog as an insult!"
"No no no, I'm not insulting you. Chuuya was my dog, that was just a fact" Dazai winks at him.
Chuuya takes a long drink of his whiskey, gulping down half of it, but then continues to listen carefully to Dazai.
“I… here… I think I was happy, you know? In this bar, with Odasaku. Even with Ango,” Dazai sighs, his eyes filling with tears, but he refuses to spill them here, “I couldn't have known, but there were echoes. Odasaku believed... he believed that people like you and me deserve the same happiness as people who have always been in the light... And... I didn't believe it then, but now, with the emotions, I can feel that I wanted believe him with all my might."
Chuuya looks at Dazai speechless.
"You cared so much about him, right?" the redhead risks muttering.
Dazai looks at Chuuya and smiles, but his eyes are two pools of murky water.
"A lot, so much that I think it will hurt until I die" confesses the brunette.
"Dazai..."
Dazai shakes his head, not letting Chuuya speak: “Okay. It's not bad, the pain... It's... It's like I could finally feel him close again... The pain is the irrefutable proof that I cared about Odasaku. It's... It's wonderful..."
Chuuya doesn't realize his eyes filled with tears until the Dazai in front of him starts to blur. Damn. When was the last time Chuuya cried? The redhead furiously wipes the tears from his eyes. Dazai kindly pretends he doesn't notice that.
Chuuya takes a deep breath and looks away. Damn Dazai and his ability to produce all kinds of unexpected things in Chuuya.
"Why did you bring me here, mackerel?" the redhead asks, but he's soft in asking, considerate, no conflict in his voice.
Dazai smiles against the glass of whiskey on his lips.
“Because this place is my most important place. And Chuuya is my most important person.” Dazai says it as if it were that simple, as if he hadn't just torn Chuuya apart and put him back together with those few words, “And… whether I die or not, I'm going to lose it. I wanted... I wanted to show it to you while it meant so much in here.” Dazai gestured to his chest, almost ashamed of what he just said, but not sorry.
Chuuya gasps.
"I know it's dumb, but emotions make people dumb, don't they?" Dazai smiles at Chuuya with his eyes closed, sweet, as if he were getting his business ready before going far away... And then Dazai is surprised when arms wrap around him so tightly that he gasps for a moment .
"Ouf." Dazai nearly fell off his stool. A very sweet heat settles in his chest, present and so pleasant, and he fights against the waves of melancholy.
Chuuya is hugging Dazai as if the brunette was a lifeline in the storm, as if he wasn't always Dazai's lifeline.
“Stupid bastard,” Chuuya complains, pressing Dazai's body against his, “You're my most important fucking person too, you fucking idiot. And I'm not going to let you lose this, any of this."
Dazai doesn't answer anything. To him, that is a promise destined to go unfulfilled, but he still pretends to believe Chuuya and leans against him as the redhead hugs him.
They stay like that for a moment. An instant never enough, and then they separate.
"Do you want to toast with me, Chuuya?" Dazai smiles, raising his glass to invite Chuuya to do the same.
Chuuya smirks and raises his glass of whiskey high.
"For Odasaku," Dazai says, clinking his glass with Chuuya's.
"For you" Chuuya murmurs.
The glass tinkles when it makes contact. The moment freezes for a split second, and then...
"And for my dog Chuuya!"
"Bastard-!"
-stay, don't go with him yet. You still can't follow him. Stay with me...
The night lights from the street lamps and the murmurs of the night accompanied Chuuya and Dazai as they left the bar. For Dazai, it felt like stepping out of a dream, a timeless space. The cold air made him shiver. Or, perhaps, it was the internal cold. That didn't worry him too much.
Chuuya, for his part, couldn't get the restlessness off his chest after what happened at the bar. How far away Dazai was, the need to hug him to bring him back, the way he got lost inside himself...
Dazai is not going anywhere.
“Oi, Dazai, I'm going to play along with you on this memory thing,” Chuuya spoke, tapping Dazai on the arm to get his attention, “Remember when we were teenagers and you envied my ability to fly?”
Dazai snorts. But look at Chuuya and that's a win. The redhead can see Dazai in there, more present than in the bar.
"I didn't envy you."
"Of course you do, I can fly" Chuuya struts.
“Slug doesn't fly, he just…floats…boring anti-gravity states,” Dazai jokes, waving his hand to exemplify.
"Bored?" Chuuya arches an eyebrow.
Dazai snorts, his expression a show of emotions. Chuya loves it.
"Well, it's not boring. What does Chuya want? Flattery? Praise? Do you want me to kneel for him?"
“Maybe later,” Chuuya smiles, pulling Dazai's coat collar down so their faces are closer, “You wanted to make this a day of experiences, didn't you, Shitty Dazai? So let me give you one"
Dazai looked at him in surprise, quickly understanding what Chuuya had in mind.
“Chuuya wants us to…fly? Really?"
Chuuya nodded and stopped in a quiet and secluded place. He reached out to Dazai with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
"Or are you scared, mackerel?"
Dazai's eyes sparkled with sudden excitement. The anticipation always tickled the chest so much. He took Chuuya's hand.
"Chuuya should be scared, I'll do much better than him"
“You have the elegance of a rag doll, Dazai”
"At least I have elegance"
While they were discussing pleasantly, a warm red light enveloped both of them. Gravity seemed to give in to their will as the two of them began to float in the air. For The Tainted Sorrow tickled Dazai in the sweetest way, as if Chuuya caressed him with his ability to lift them both up. The stars shone down on them, creating a setting worthy of all the clichés they both thought they despised.
Dazai looked at Chuuya in wonder and excitement. He had never experienced anything like this before, and the feeling of floating in the air, sustained by Chuuya's power, made him feel free and alive. However, it also made him think about the fragility of life and the little time they could have together.
"Look Chuuya, the stars are so beautiful," Dazai whispered, appreciating the beauty of the night sky.
Chuuya had Dazai's hands in his, as if he was holding him up there, although it wasn't necessary to keep him afloat.
“I'm watching,” Chuuya stated, looking at Dazai, enjoying the way his brown eyes lit up.
Dazai looked down at Chuuya and found that Chuuya was already looking at him. The brunette swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat. Chuuya had always been there for him, even when he had pushed him away.
Chuuya was here now. He had literally taken Dazai to heaven. It's not like he hadn't done a lot of things like this before, but now, Dazai could feel the true emotional weight of it, the true value of having him.
"Chuuya..." Dazai whispered in a breathy voice.
Losing him was going to hurt so much...
I hope the pain lasts a short time, so that it doesn't cloud all the memories... Chuuya looks so beautiful...
Chuuya smiled and leaned closer to Dazai, his lips meeting his in a tender and passionate kiss. The brightness of the stars seemed to intensify around them. Time seemed to stop as they kissed in the air, their hearts beating in unison, and Dazai surrendered to every inch of the million emotions and feelings that Chuuya made to explode in his chest with such ease.
After a time that seemed both short and eternal, Chuuya guided them back to the ground, depositing them there as swaying leaves until they gently settled on the grass.
"Oh, are we down yet?" Dazai pouted, letting go of Chuuya's hands to rub his arms.
"I need to leave you wanting, don't I, shitty Dazai?" Chuuya says, mischievous on the surface, but very determined deep down, "So you don't even think of giving up."
Dazai was slightly surprised. Apparently, Chuuya had been able to see through him a bit after all.
Dazai, feeling the weight of reality return as he looked at Chuuya, didn't respond to that, instead he looked up at the sky and sighed.
"Chuuya is an evil mind" he hummed, but he was smiling. Away, away, away.
His smile made Chuuya's smile falter.
The redhead pulls Dazai to look at him, holding his arm tightly, and kisses him hard.
The kiss is a message that Dazai understands perfectly. Nonverbal communication has always been one of their strengths.
Chuuya's kiss reads: Don't give up, you bastard. I don't let you.
Dazai's kiss says: I can't tell you anything yet. And, deeper: It's okay, I've accepted it...
And in the center, time running backwards, taking, taking and taking.
Internal cold is a strange thing, really, like having ice inside your mouth and frost on your chest. It's another new experience for Dazai, but I wouldn't rate it in the top 10 at all. It's cold.
Dazai tried not to let his cold be noticed by Chuuya as they walked back to the latter's apartment, but in the end he couldn't help but hug himself as they walked, and neither did the cough that followed.
Chuuya looked at Dazai suspiciously: "Dazai, are you okay?"
Dazai opened his mouth to say “yes of course, better than ever, I could keep walking with you forever”, but instead he just coughed, bringing his fist to his mouth to muffle the noise. He waved his free hand to dismiss the moment, but the truth is that Dazai could clearly feel that something was not right, it was like having a hole from a missing organ, the same thing he had felt when the stealing-ability machine stole his ability. And that hole, that empty space, was filled with a cold that felt like touching snow with bare hands.
Chuuya frowned in alarm, and stood in front of Dazai, scanning him.
"Oi Dazai, what-?"
Dazai tried to speak, but could only cough harder, his body shuddering with each spasm. The brown tried to take a step and staggered forward. Chuuya of course caught it before it fell to the ground.
"Shit, fuck, Dazai, you're freezing," Chuuya muttered, distraught as he held his partner in his arms, "I shouldn't have brought you here, we should have stayed in the apartment," Chuuya scolded himself, blaming himself for bringing Dazai out for a walk in the cold when his health was on the tightrope slope of a time limit.
But Dazai made a weak attempt to smile, despite his weakness. "It's not your fault, Chuuya. I'm fine," he managed to say between coughs and shivering.
"No, you're not fine, you fucking asshole, you're freezing" Chuuya holds him against his body to give him some warmth, "Why didn't you say anything?"
Dazai sighs, shaking just enough to make it look like he's shaking.
"I just…wanted…wanted this day…" Dazai purses his lips, frustrated with his body and its inability to let him speak the way he wants. He feels in a strange state of... torpor. He doesn't like it, the way he loses control of his body like that. And it's cold.
Chuuya rudely snaps his fingers in front of his face, Dazai pouts in reluctance, and then notices that his eyes have involuntarily closed. He does not find in him the energy to open them again.
It's so cold. The absence of his ability is so conspicuous now...
Dimly, he can hear Chuuya swear.
And that's it.
Chuuya is not panicking. No, he not.
The redhead is just cursing inwardly, feeling a mixture of anger and worry, while Dazai stammers and his eyes close, cold in his arms.
Quickly, Chuuya activates his anti-gravity ability and lifts them up into the air, leaving the cold of the night behind as he leads them to his apartment.
He's fucking grateful to be able to use his ability on Dazai. Before, in many missions, there were problems helping him when he was injured or attacked (and vice versa), due to Dazai's ability auto nullifying all abilities, Chuuya's included. It was fucking frustrating. Now, at least, they get to hisapartment much faster than the traditional way.
As they walk forward, Chuuya can feel Dazai's body trembling in his arms. Shaking is good, isn't it? It means there's no hypothermia yet. Believe so. Shit.
However, Chuuya's mind wanders between all the worst possibilities: What if this is progressive? What if Dazai only gets worse that fast from here? Dazai is supposed to have a week left, a week to save him... Damn it.
"Dazai, you bastard, stay with me"
When they finally arrive, Chuuya carefully places Dazai on the bed and rushes to cover him with blankets to try and warm him.
Dazai isn't answering him, just shuddering on the bed.
And Chuuya is not panicking. And obviously he doesn't call the Agency, looking for Dr. Yosano, because he's in a panic and doesn't know what to do. Of course not. He just calls to... report.
"I have Dazai semi-conscious and freezing here. We've been out all day." Chuuya says hastily, just someone picks up the phone on the other end.
"I already knew that, Mr. Fancy Hat" says Ranpo's relaxed voice on the other end of the line.
It had to be the fucking super detective.
"Pass me to the doctor, this is urgent"
"Mmh, unfortunately, she's on the mission with the others. But you're in luck! I anticipated that Dazai would want to be outside all day and overexert himself, so I asked Yosano for an advance instruction, see? That's why I'm the best member of the Agency"
"If you don't talk now, I swear that..."
"Yosano said that his temperature would destabilize, so when you stabilize it, he should get better, Mr. Fancy Hat" Ranpo hums,
With the phone to his ear, Chuuya looks at Dazai, shivering under the covers and coughing occasionally, and sighs in relief.
You're going to be better, mackerel.
"What the fuck do I do?" Chuuya insists, through gritted teeth because he hates having to ask this conceited one for directions.
Ranpo talks about hot water bottles, tea, lots of blankets, and body heat. But most importantly, it tells him that Dazai is going to stabilize.
"I keep adding more candy to your debt account, Mr. Fancy Hat"
Chuuya hangs up on him. He only has room for one pompous jerk in his life, and that space is already taken by Dazai.
Immediately afterwards, the redhead goes to work.
Chuuya feels fucking useless, fighting some kind of invisible enemy that he can't see let alone punching his fucking face to a bloody pulp.
After doing everything he could, the redhead simply lay down on the bed next to Dazai and wrapped his arms around him to offer him some body heat.
He hates this.
At least, the heat has already started to return to Dazai's body. His tremors lessened and his skin stopped feeling so cold to the touch (it's not warm, apparently, that's impossible in his condition, but it's progress). Chuuya sighed in relief, feeling Dazai's pulse on his wrist against his fingers, though he was still worried about Dazai's condition.
Chuuya looks at the clock on the nightstand, and it reads 4:13 a.m. He sighs.
"Dazai? Can you hear me?" the redhead murmurs against the brunette's ear. There's no response, but he can feel Dazai snuggle a little closer. He is awake.
Chuuya sighs in relief.
"You gave me a fucking scare, asshole" the redhead squeezes the brunette a little more against him, pressing his lips together as if he doesn't want to let him go, and then gives him some space.
"'m 'kay," Dazai mutters weakly, almost lethargic, "Chuuya doesn't have to-"
"If you dare to tell me that Chuuya doesn't have to worry, I'll break your face, do you understand me?"
Dazai sighs, sounding sleepy. Chuuya would like to know what he is thinking now.
"We had...mmh...a good day"
Chuuya tenses, places a hand on Dazai's head, tangling his fingers gently through his hair, and looks up at the ceiling, pursing his lips for a moment before replying, "Yes, mackerel, it was a good day," he says, trying to don't tell from his words the way he's gritting his teeth.
"'m tired" Dazai murmurs against Chuuya's chest, and the redhead can feel his chest tingle even through his clothes at the contact of Dazai's breath.
"Then sleep you idiot. I'm not going anywhere," Chuuya snaps, letting Dazai snuggle against his chest again.
As the minutes passed, and knowing that Dazai was now stable, Chuuya finally allowed himself to close his eyes and rest a bit, keeping his hand around Dazai's wrist, lulling himself to the steady beating of his pulse to get some sleep.
But Dazai wasn't asleep. He couldn't fall asleep even when he recognized that Chuuya was asleep from the soft and steady way of his breathing, no. Nestled against Chuuya's chest, his eyes were wide, serious and dull, and there was a deep weight in them.
When Dazai told Chuuya that he was tired, he wasn't referring now, physically, because of the cold attack. He was talking about life. Or rather, of this half life that never stops being completely his. Half a life for half a human, maybe it's just the only thing he's meant to have: Half a life no matter what he does, just brushing the possibility of a full life with his fingertips, only to have it slip through his fingers as if they were covered in oil.
Dazai concentrates on Chuuya's heartbeat, which he can clearly hear in the middle of the night silence. He's still cold, but he's back to being more tolerable. However, in the silence, he can't stop his thoughts from turning to the selfishness of being here now, taking Chuuya as if he had a right. The more time passes, the more he takes and he- He narrows his eyes. At this point, Dazai knows that the pain in his chest isn't physical, but that knowledge comes as no relief.
Dazai keeps his eyes closed, slowly drifting off to sleep. He'll stop being selfish soon, he just wanted this day and it was...so good. It's more than he deserves, probably, and more than he would have had... It will never be enough but... maybe...
Maybe it's enough for half a human and his half life, isn't it?
Akutagawa and Atsushi walk back to back. When those two make a joint effort, they work as one. Behind them walk Yosano, Kunikida, and Tanizaki. Everyone was prepared for a fight, so Akutagawa and Atsushi go to the front, but the scene they find at the base is... terribly unexpected.
First, the place is already trashed when they arrive. Test tubes, flasks and ashes from burned documents are scattered everywhere, on the floor, on the broken desks. There are some creepy stretchers with straps here and there, but they're empty. Office computers are broken or disconnected.
However, the most outstanding of the whole scenario are the bodies.
It must be about twenty people, men and women, all in lab coats. In some of them can distinguish a logo that they cannot identify or relate to any organization they know. From the way the bodies are, it looks like they were executed.
Clearly this organization was... burying mistakes, disappearing. The question is if there is still anything left that I can give them information to help Dazai. Ranpo seemed to be sure of that, but the scene is grim.
Kunikida takes over: "We have to split up to search. Tanizaki will watch the entrance, Yosano-sensei and I will check the west wing. Atsushi, you and Akutagawa go to the east wing"
"I don't take orders from you," Akutagawa grumbles, tossing his hair back and walking to the west wing to check.
Atsushi sighs in frustration.
"Akutagawa! Wait!"
"Get Lost, Weretiger"
Atsushi and Akutagawa end up checking out the West Wing, much to the dismay of Kunikida and his highly organized layout plan.
"Brats. It's obvious that his mentor is Dazai" Kunikida snorts in frustration.
Yosano smiles in amusement as she looks at Kunikida.
"Come on Kunikida, let's check the east wing" Yosano smirks, "I hope to find some interesting tools"
Kunikida shudders slightly, following Yosano and watching apprehensively as Yosano gets excited with Oh look at this knife, it could slice a person in half for sure.
At times like these, he almost misses his partner a little.
Although Yosano finds a lot of fun along the way, it's Akutagawa and Atsushi who find the biggest prize.
"Move away, Weretiger, I found them"
"Nobody cares who found them!" Atsushi grumbles, then mutters: "But we found them together, for the record."
In front of them is a laminated paper copy with a burned corner of the stealing-ability machine blueprint, along with some samples and other protocols that Akutagawa takes from the dead hands of some dead scientists.
Almost... Almost too easy...
Notes:
Okay, it's 7 pm on Saturday in my country and I definitely didn't want to post this so late, but there were technical problems and anyway, better late than never.
Regarding the story, I can only say that it gets worse from here, but to get better, I promise. Be like Chuuya and (don't) panic.
Finally, what did you think of the chapter? Do you have any suggestion? Thoughts? all is welcome c;
Keywords for the next chapter, well I only have two this time: Fight. Despair.
Draw your conclusions.
See you next Saturday! <3
Chapter 14: “14”
Summary:
Dazai is sinking. Chuuya tries to keep him on his feet. They dance. Ranpo has a solution (or something like it). Chuuya is hopeful and Dazai slides down.
Notes:
TW: For constant suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. It was already warned on the labels, but warning at the beginning of this anyway.
(For the dance scene I made them dance Dandelions by Ruth B., by the way *wink*)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
There is one specific thing about suicide that Dazai has had on his mind since he first decided to try it. Suicide, above all else, offers control. And that is something that in his life Dazai has had much less than anyone might think.
Since young, Dazai had experienced a life filled with pain and abandonment. He grew up in a world where control was out of his grasp. Trapped in a reality that seemed designed to destroy him, he sought refuge in the idea that he could at least be in control of his own existence. Mori took from him what he wanted, like other people before him, they ripped the sad echoes of humanity to pieces. Even if Dazai made the strategies, even if he had control over everything else and everyone else, control of his own life was never going to be his. Suicide wasn't just a way of feeling that, in death, he were just as human as everyone else, no. It was the last remaining bastion of power in the midst of a sea of helplessness.
Over the years, that idea had been a constant in his mind. But now, now that he had decided that he wanted to live, that truth became even more overwhelming.
Because even though he no longer wanted to die, he still felt the lack of control in his life. He felt swept away by events and circumstances, unable to have a real impact on the course of his existence. To die slowly and too quickly or live as only half human. If you put a rat in a cage and you put two bowls of food inside and nothing else, and the rat chooses one, was that really its choice?
The truth is that, for the first time in his entire existence, Dazai Osamu wanted to live. Desperately. Painfully. He wanted to live. But then again, he was a rat in a cage with two terrible fucking options in front of him, neither of which he had chosen. Without any control over himself while others planned a form of rescue that he had not even asked for. Out of control.
And at this moment, the choice of death, when and how it would happen, were all he had left to regain control of himself. His life would never be his, not the way he wanted. The hope of living a full life, full of emotions and experiences, did not belong to demons like him. But he could still have control over his death, his choice.
Dazai knows it's selfish, especially now that he knows how it feels to care about people and can objectively understand what Chuuya and the Agency are going to feel. But he thinks, objectively, that someone asking him to live empty again is just as selfish.
The promise of a single choice that belongs to him tugs at his chest, the idea of dying on his terms, the reality of leaving here feeling everything, like... like the human being he's never been.
The fear is there too, of course, feeling like spiders crawling inside his chest. Quite an inconvenient thing. But fear plays both ways, in the end, and makes the idea swing between the fear of dying and the fear of living a life doomed to the misery of the void.
Maybe... Maybe he doesn't need it... Maybe the Agency won't find a way to return No Longer Human to him anyway. But Dazai believes in them (for better or worse) and therefore seriously doubts they'll fail.
Dazai sighs and looks up at the ceiling. He feels as if he is sinking into the bed, as if the mattress is swallowing him up. Dazai isn't quite sure what emotion he's experiencing right now, but it almost feels like something... parasitic... He doesn't like it. Also, the cold is another really annoying thing, it makes him shiver even lying under a bunch of blankets that Chuuya put over them last night.
Suddenly, he feels arms wrap around him. He's so warm that he leans into the touch before he's even aware that he's doing it.
"You're freezing" Chuuya murmured against Dazai's forehead. For the brunette, his touch is pleasant and incredibly painful at the same time. It hurts how good it feels, how fleeting it is.
"Mmh, Chuuya worries too much" he mutters in response, "The cold won't kill me yet"
"Yet. That's the code word there, Shitty Dazai," Chuuya grumbles, the strangled way his voice sounds when he's worried is something quite familiar to Dazai, "You really scared me yesterday, you fucking mackerel."
After the last week, guilt has become a very familiar feeling for Dazai, and it sings in his head now, especially now, when Chuuya wraps his arms around him. Blame blame blame.
"I need to go to the bathroom" he mutters, suddenly pulling away from Chuuya and getting out of bed, trying to stay steady on his feet as he hugged himself to combat the lingering cold that would only keep growing and growing as the days passed (How much longer until I'm not strong enough to throw myself off a rooftop? How much longer until it really starts to hurt?)
Dazai walks focused enough not to notice the look Chuuya gives him, worried and questioning blue eyes.
Dazai has a thick red winter scarf wrapped around his neck. It's fine cloth, probably a gift from Kouyou to Chuuya. She definitely wouldn't like to see Dazai wearing it, but hey, it's warm and Kouyou isn't here. Also, the delicate way Chuuya wrapped the scarf around Dazai's neck felt like… (seriously, he's going to use the most hackneyed expression in creation) butterflies in the stomach. A million of them, all fluttering at once.
Dazai is sitting on the bed now, staring out the window with partly dull, partly stormy eyes, as Chuuya went to the kitchen, Dazai didn't pay enough attention to know what the redhead was up to (And woah, didn't he pay enough attention to something? That has to be quite an oddity in itself.)
So let's say he is a bit surprised when he hears the music. It's a surprisingly soft sound for Chuuya's usual taste in music, a sweet melody, piano keys and hums that turn into calm lyrics.
Dazai stands up to follow the sound. The hint of a sparkle of curiosity arises in his eyes, and he goes to Chuuya, always to Chuuya.
But it's so good, I've never known anyone like you...
But it's so good, I've never dreamed of nobody like you...
The sound, the song, comes from Chuuya's radio, a decidedly expensive and pretty vintage thing, the way Chuuya likes things. No one would say he was part of a surly street gang in his early days if they saw his refined tastes, but Dazai knows him well enough to know that the two are by no means mutually exclusive for the redhead.
"Chuuya feeling soft this morning?" Dazai hums. It's a tease, but without its usual spark it seems more like a whisper.
Chuuya walks away from the radio to get closer to Dazai.
"So what if I am?" the redhead snaps, defensively, but his eyes are studying Dazai in detail. The brunette knows what Chuuya is seeing when he looks at him: Dazai, dark circles under his eyes, pale skin and tired eyes, a scarf around his neck that is too thin for his standards, warm clothes, wool socks and a blanket on his shoulders, “Do you have a fucking problem with that?”
Dazai sighs. Pretending was so much easier when his chest wasn't so heavy. Dazai never imagined that feelings are capable of almost physically pulling you down.
“No no, slugs have their own rituals, of course. I do not judge." He waves his hand with calculated disdain.
Chuuya frowns, but doesn't take the bait at such poor mockery, instead, he seems very determined.
Oh, Dazai recognizes the look in those blue eyes: Chuuya has an idea, and he wants to execute it.
"Then, if you don't have a problem with that, dance with me, mackerel," the redhead says after a moment, and extends his hand to Dazai almost violently, almost as if he can't handle the expectation that it takes to make a proposition and not know what will be the answer.
Dazai looks at Chuuya's gloveless hand with genuinely curious eyes. A warmth settles in his chest, and although a part of him wants to hold Chuuya's hand and dance while a girl's voice sings about dandelions and promises, another part of him isn't sure he can take it.
“I thought Chuuya wanted me at rest. He said, and I quote, be an obedient cute and stay in bed so you don't die."
"I don't remember using the word cute" Chuuya complains.
"But Chuuya thought about it"
The redhead's brow furrows with something akin to embarrassment.
“Tsk, who cares about that? You're better, and it's not like we're going to jump across the room, are we, Shitty Dazai?" He snaps, then, softer, “Dance with me, will you? You are the idiot who wanted new experiences”
“I've danced with Chuuya before,” Dazai says, but he takes Chuuya's hand anyway, because he's there, right in front of him, and he can't help but do it.
"Ah, but not like this, mackerel" the redhead smiles mischievously. Dazai loves the gesture. Even if his emotion is being partially permanently crushed by darker feelings, the emotion, and the desire to cherish what Chuuya made him feel a little more won the battle.
Dazai allowed Chuuya to put on the music from the start, sweet melodies that grew, and then lead him to the center of the room. They both settled into a close dance position, letting their bodies move to the slow music. Chuuya was holding Dazai carefully, making sure not to put too much pressure on him, she was sweet in the way that the beauty of a butterfly destined to live the equivalent of a human sigh is.
'Cause I'm in a field of dandelions,
Wishing on every one that you'd be mine, mine...
And I see forever in your eyes…
I feel okay when I see you smile, smile…
Dazai leaned his body against Chuuya's, feeling the comforting beat of his heart, and they danced in an embrace, slow and sweet, small steps that were almost like a leaf swaying on water.
They had slow danced once before, at seventeen, on an undercover mission where they attended a party to catch a couple of deep-pocketed snitches. Back then, it had been Dazai who had reached out his hand to Chuuya and pulled the redhead onto the dance floor, both of them dressed in suits. Chuuya had reluctantly allowed herself to be thrown onto the dance floor, for the sake of the mission. Dazai remembers the looks Chuuya gave him while they were dancing, remembers the weird glint in those blue eyes, the way he had tried to be almost polite for an instant. And he, too, remembers feeling a little spark that No Longer Human extinguished as easily as swatting a fly. Dazai had ignored Chuuya for a while after that mission, hiding behind Odasaku, because he had seen an emotion in Chuuya's eyes that he couldn't replicate. Empty empty empty.
This time, however, Dazai felt it all: the warmth of his touch, the sweetness of his movements, the love that was so much more than just sparks.
Wishing on dandelions all of the time…
Praying to God that one day you'll be mine...
Wishing on dandelions all of the time, all of the time…
As the music progressed, they moved with the same innate grace and deep connection as when fighting an enemy, their bodies completely in sync. The footsteps were soft and careful, as if they were stroking the ground instead of stepping on it.
Chuuya held Dazai with a delicacy that surprised even himself. His hands encircled Dazai's waist tenderly, while his other hand cupped his, intertwining their fingers gently. Dazai, for his part, was guided by the rhythm of the music, letting Chuuya lead him in every move, because Chuuya was the only person in the world Dazai would ever voluntarily allow himself to get carried away and lose control with.
Chuuya's eyes sparkled with excitement as he watched Dazai, his dark hair falling softly over his pale face. The redhead could feel Dazai's heartbeat against his, synchronized in a beat that only they could understand.
The whispers of the music enveloped them in a bubble of intimacy, shutting them out from the rest of the world and leaving only the two of them to exist in that moment. Chuuya felt lost in the gleam in Dazai's eyes, in the warmth of his presence, and knew that he didn't want to be anywhere else right now.
Dandelion, into the wind you go…
Won't you let my darling know?
Dandelion, into the wind you go…
Won't you let my darling know that?
Dazai, for his part, despite his cold and previous lethargy, let himself be carried away by the moment, wrapped in a flurry of unfairly wonderful feelings. His eyes sparkled with mixed emotions as he heaved little sighs from time to time, his breath making clouds of icy steam in space.
Words weren't necessary. They never were, not in the really important things they need to say to each other.
It was as if Chuuya was desperately trying to give Dazai reasons not to give up on his life, the brunette could tell, and Dazai wanted... wanted... but the weight was so crushing on his chest...
If it is death or an empty life, a life without this, then it must be death...
It's as simple as incredibly terrifying.
I wish it wasn't a decision I have to make...
Chuuya gives him a spin while dancing, spinning him around on his feet.
I wish I could have more...
I'm in a field of dandelions...
Wishing on every one that you'd be mine, mine...
Ranpo is eating some dangos on a skewer while looking at the plans for the stealing-ability machine that the rest of the Agency and Akutagawa got from their raid on the base. Outwardly, he looks very calm and comfortable, but inside there are some things that bother him. He doesn't think that the ability-testing organization has completely disappeared by itself. Correction, he knows that this organization has not completely disappeared itself. It's just that there are some gaps that he still needs to fill in on the why and how, to clarify to what extent they will be a threat in the future.
But first things first: Save Dazai's life.
Chewing on the dangos and under the watchful eye of the other Agency members and Dazai's mobster apprentice, Ranpo opens his glasses and puts them on, studying the plans with different eyes now.
His head works fast. The pieces, the way they fit together, the design, the purpose. The purpose. That is.
Ranpo smiled and looks at the others around him, his eyes shining behind the lenses of his glasses.
"I already solved it" he replies, summing up pride, as he leans back against his chair.
"What should we do, Ranpo-san?" Atsushi asks, so eager that he almost appears to be physically leaning into Ranpo.
"Stay still you stupid weretiger" Akutagawa shoves him back without even looking at him as he's looking directly at Ranpo like everyone else.
"The solution is terribly simple, actually. With the right material, of course," he nods a few times as if his conclusion is obvious, though no one knows what he's talking about.
"Please explain, Ranpo-san" Kunikida asks, crossing his arms over his chest anxiously.
Ranpo adjusts his glasses. "The machine was made with a lock, obviously. These people were experimenting, so an error clause was needed. It's all clear when we think about their purpose in creating the machine: To generate a device that helps them steal abilities for themselves, giving them to their own soldiers, using them at will. However, they didn't contemplate one important thing regarding the abilitys and their users, hah, how foolish"
"What?" Atsushi asked.
"Do I really have to explain it?" Ranpo sighs, “Fine. Skills are part of their users. If you take away someone's ability, it leaves that empty space inside that person, which can and must, for survival, be filled again. That is a singular and unique space, so obviously they have not found a way to generate an identical space in another person for deposit the ability of one person in another. However, they tried with this.” Ranpo points to a specific point on the blueprints, “You simply reverse the pattern of the machine, and it generates an event to fill in the missing slot on the missing ability user, though not to deposit it into a new person. It was a failure for them, but a simple solution for us.” Ranpo smiles proudly, setting the empty skewer aside and opening a bag of sour candies.
"So we need to build this machine in reverse" concludes Kunikida, looking carefully at the plans, "with what resources will we do it?"
"Easy again, poor Kunikida," Ranpo points out, "Dazai has a friend in the Unusual Powers Special Division, and he won't refuse to help if Dazai's life is at stake."
"Do you think it's a good idea to give access to these plans with the potential they have to the Special Division, Ranpo?" Yosano questions with a worried face, and the look of everyone present darkens, as if they were just beginning to question that for the first time.
Ranpo, however, doesn't seem concerned about it at all.
“You see… First, we are not going to give you these plans, but some inverse plans that I will draw for you in exchange for some dorayaki” Ranpo affirms with a smile, “Second, there is a part that is impossible to replicate without having the plans for the original machine , part that we will exclude, is our insurance. Third, the original plans will be shredded, tadá. Fourth, Dazai's friend won't want to draw attention to this, believe me, Dazai could wrap it around his little finger if he wanted to, so the man is going to keep his discretion."
Everyone is silent for a moment, considerably impressed. Relief then spreads through the entire group, including Akutagawa, who was very skeptical at first.
“You're amazing, Ranpo-san,” Tanizaki states.
“Ah, tell me something I don't know. Obviously everyone would be lost without me” the detective smirks.
“Okay, let's get to work then.” Kunikida sets out to distribute the tasks, which include someone going to buy dorayaki for Ranpo and making some calls to Ango Sakaguchi.
Everyone moves and works together with a renewed hope.
Their coworker, their friend, is going to be fine. They are going to save Dazai.
Chuuya's phone rings at around six in the evening, and Chuuya gets up from the table where he and Dazai were eating take-out food ordered by the redhead. More like Chuuya was eating, since Dazai's plate has been untouched for the last twenty minutes. The redhead worries that it is another progressive symptom of the lack of No Longer Human. He gently pats Dazai on the head as he gets up from his chair.
“Try to eat at least a little, mackerel. I'll be back soon” he says, and goes to the room to answer the call.
Dazai sighs, looking at the bowl of rice noodles in front of him, not sure if the nausea he feels when looking at the bowl of food is due to a symptom of No Longer Human's absence or just dark feelings, stormy thoughts, which he cannot erase from his head since the dance.
(Dazai would have liked to have danced with Chuuya forever, in a moment suspended in time, it would have been much easier)
The brunette looks up and looks at the balcony of the apartment while he plays with his chopsticks, listlessly. The sliding door is open and a nice breeze comes in, but it makes he feel chills from inside at the same time. At another time, Dazai would have tried to figure out about the call Chuuya received and come closer to hear what it was about, but this time he doesn't. Dazai knows that the Agency is calling, and there are two options: They found the solution or they didn't, that's all.
The wooden toothpick snaps in Dazai's hand, splintered in the middle, and only then does he realize he was clenching it hard while thinking.
Dazai is scared, he knows it, he feels it, like spiders on his chest. He doesn't want to die, but...
The brunette sighs and stands up, giving up with the plate of food, still intact in front of him (it's a tragedy that his appetite is failing, there were many things he still wanted to try…), and walks to the center of the living room while wondering what he should do... It has been so little time yet... He doesn't want to die... But he doesn't want to be forced to live...
The eternal crossroads.
Really, what options does he have?
God, Dazai really want to scream right now, seriously. It's like he have a scream of frustration stuck in his chest. He does not do it. Instead, walks to the balcony.
“What the fuck do you want, posit man? Is there news? Chuuya blurts out without wasting time as soon as he answers the phone.
He hear an offended noise on the other end of the line.
"What did you call me-?" A sigh, “It doesn't matter. Yes, we have good news."
Chuuya sighed in relief, though he tried not to let his voice show it too much.
"Spill, what is it?"
"We found a way to return Dazai's ability"
Chuuya proceeds to listen to Kunikida's explanation and the Agency's plan: The experimental organization that created the machine destroyed itself. Akutagawa and a group from the Agency found blueprints. Ranpo has a solution. They're going to use the (idiot's) help of Ango Sakaguchi. Bla bla bla. Honestly, the only thing Chuuya cares about is that there is, in fact, a solution.
Dazai is not going to die.
Chuuya knows that doesn't solve everything, but it solves the most important part, right? They can deal with the rest, like training Dazai's ability, when they get there.
The machine that is going to restore Dazai's ability is not yet built, but it is estimated that they can build it in two days, as Ranpo's design has made it considerably smaller and more manageable. Dazai only has to hold out for a few days, and luckily they still have almost a week, according to Dr. Yosano's projections. Okay, a few days, keeping Dazai alive, that's something Chuuya can handle.
For now, the important thing is Dazai is going to live.
To hell with having a day of good times. They can have a fucking life of good times.
Finally, the redhead agrees with Posit man to go with Dazai to the Agency soon, so that doctor Yosano can monitor him and manage the symptoms that he has begun to present due to the absence of his ability. Chuuya knows that Dazai isn't going to like the idea of having to go into that infirmary again, but they'll make it work, whether Chuuya has to hit him or kiss him to convince him.
Dazai-goes-to-live.
That's all that matters.
Chuuya leaves the room to go tell Dazai, and discovers that the brunette is not sitting at the table where he left him. The rice noodle dish is still intact on the table.
"Dazai?"
The redhead sighs in relief when he sees Dazai standing, leaning against the frame of the sliding balcony door. The brunette turns to him when he calls. Even though Dazai's appearance has signs of wear, it still appears ethereal against the glare of the afternoon sun cast on the balcony.
"Ah, Slug" he smiles tiredly.
Chuuya has an impulse and follows it. He takes big steps towards Dazai, gently takes his waist and kisses him on the lips. He can blame his impulsiveness on the excitement over the good news. Whatever. Dazai instantly relaxes against him, his lips cool but soft. When they part, Dazai is looking at him with a much more genuine smile and his eyes are shining a little again. The brunette opens his mouth to speak, but Chuuya can't wait to tell him his own news, so he does.
“Akutagawa and your Agency found the solution. We're going to give you your ability back.” Chuuya gives him a too-bright smile, “You're going to live, idiot. You see? I told you"
Dazai's smile falls so fast one might think he was never there to begin with.
"Oh."
Oh no.
Dazai knows that he is standing on solid ground, still in front of Chuuya, but he feels as if he is falling. Fall, fall, fall. Eternally down, through a dark and bottomless abyss, while Chuuya continues explaining how they must return to the Agency so that Yosano can keep it stable until the machine that (supposedly) will solve everything is finished.
“We're going to give you your ability back”
They can't do that. They can't.
Dazai remembers the utter emptiness that No Longer Human left inside of him. Remember the echoes. Remember the distance from him and the rest of the world. Remember the absence of everything. Remember feeling like a person unworthy of being human...
They can't.
Dazai can't go back to that, to the void, terribly more destructive and deadly than pain, fear and rage. He can't go back to living like this. He didn't live when he had No Longer Human inside.
The fear of death within him is squashed radically, instantly, as if an anvil had been dropped on him. The fear of going back to what was overshadows everything else. Everything everything everything-
"Dazai?"
Dazai forces himself to smile: it's utterly hollow, just corners of his mouth forced to avoid arousing suspicion. Faking smiles used to be easier when he didn't know what a genuine smile felt like.
The brunette knows that Chuuya won't understand. At this point, he doesn't expect me to. No one can understand how his ability works, and therefore, even if they know the cost, they cannot understand the magnitude of it.
"That's good, right?" He forces himself to say, knowing that his dejection is not lost on Chuuya, but hoping to hide his true thoughts as best he can.
Chuuya takes him by the wrist, it's a firm touch but not invasive. It's Chuuya and it hurts-
“Hey, you stupid mackerel, I know you're afraid to go back to what you were, but that won't happen. Mori used you and didn't let you train your ability, we'll fix that, we'll come back to this and you'll be alive, do you understand? That's what matters"
No, it's not. No Longer Human has never been able to shut down, there's no guarantee that that could be any different from now on. None.
I'd rather die-
"Oh yes, of course, Chuuya”
So that Chuuya doesn't notice how hollow his smile is now, Dazai leans towards him and kisses him on the tip of his nose. Soft, sweet, ephemeral.
I'm sorry, but I'd rather die.
Chuuya's cheeks turn an angry red which has nothing to do with his ability. Yes, Dazai knew that would distract him.
“Would you mind giving me a heads up, you bastard?” He complains, but he's grinning like a fool.
I'm sorry-
"But that would ruin the fun" hollow hollow hollow.
“Aha.” Chuuya looks at him with such a devoted smile that it makes Dazai want to fall to his knees and cry, but he doesn't, instead he keeps the determined fake smile on his face, “I'm going to change and then we'll go to your Agency, understand?"
“Loud and clear” Dazai laughs. The vibrations in his chest sound so terrible that there is a real chance that he will start crying.
I'm really sorry, but I won't live like this anymore.
“Hang in there, Dazai, we're fine,” Chuuya assures him, and goes to change into the bedroom, probably also to give Dazai space to process everything. The redhead is that considerate, right?
Dazai slides to the floor just as the door to Chuuya's room closes and grabs his head with both hands, tugging at his locks of brown hair, completely silent, though his head is a noisy mess. He feels overwhelmed, terribly desperate, but deep down, determined.
I'd rather die.
In his previous attempts, Dazai was always looking to feel something, anything that would take him out of that dark void he found himself in, to feel a bit like a human being when he died. But now, his search it's not to feel, but to stay feeling, to free himself from the chains that tied him to a painful past and a life destined to be empty. To leave on his terms. To leave as a human being.
Dazai looks towards the balcony. It's tempting, but the fourth floor only has a certain percentage chance of being deadly and he's not a novice. That's not enough.
Dazai needs to get to the roof of this building. Now.
The brunette is forced to get up from the floor. He only has a certain amount of time to leave and get upstairs before Chuuya notices he's gone, but it should… should be enough...
Blame... but not enough...
As he moves, Dazai thinks of that touch of Chuuya's hand around his wrist, thinks of his lips on the tip of Chuuya's nose and the way Chuuya's cheeks turned red.
The last time.
Before leaving, Dazai stares at Chuuya's fine knives hanging above the sink. The brunette, silent as he had learned to be when he was the prodigy demon, takes one of the knives and leaves the apartment.
He leaves the door open behind him, feeling a dark and powerful storm inside his chest, and he assumes that's it all.
"Are you ready, mackerel?" Chuuya leaves the room dressed and with his hat on.
Dazai isn't there this time. Not on the living room, not in the bathroom, not in the other room, not on the balcony.
The door to the apartment is open and Chuuya is wondering if Dazai decided to wait for him downstairs at the entrance of the building when a sudden realization hits him. Late.
Dazai's smile, so... distant and strange, the way he faltered at Chuuya's words, the way he kissed him on the nose-
"Fucking bastard"
A few years ago, Chuuya could recognize the warning signs of Dazai's suicide attempt in an instant, but that has changed. Dazai has different emotions and reactions as a result and Chuuya has lost his practice.
No-
Chuuya runs off to the roof of the building, cursing all the gods that exist for choosing to live in such a tall building.
“There are some things I want to do, you know, just in case” Dazai had said.
“You fucking lying bastard-“
Chuuya runs faster.
Dazai feels
Dazai feels For The Tainted Sorrow tingle on his skin for a few seconds before realizing that he is indeed not falling anymore. He is suspended in the air enveloped by the red glow of Chuuya's ability.
Before, when he failed an attempt, the result was just a much deeper void for a while. Now the frustration burns so hard in his gut that it could almost make him bleed from the inside out.
Chuuya pulls him up from the middle of the building back up to the roof. He's slow, soft, but unwavering, and Dazai can't move or fight. Chuuya's ability was more exciting and less frustrating when it didn't work on him, he thought.
Dazai's heart pounded in his ears, hitting his chest like a hammer. He almost- almost- No, not almost, Dazai did. He jump. He was ready to die.
And Chuuya stopped him in the middle.
Dazai feels despair coil around his stomach like a thorny vine, pressing and pressing.
The emotions inside him are all dark, slimy and heavy, none allowing for warmth and For The Tainted Sorrow doesn't feel nice at all anymore.
Finally, Chuuya deposits him next to the gate to the flog, too far from the edge. Chuuya's eyes look so terrified and angry that Dazai feels guilty, but that guilt is quickly crushed by frustration.
Why can't Chuuya understand-?
“What the fuck were you thinking?!” Chuuya yells, and cracks form under his feet from the weight of his ability. He, of course, doesn't even seem to notice this, “Do you know how close you came to-? Damn, I had to catch you in the air! How dare you-"
Now, Dazai knows he should be quiet, he knows he should be numb from his recent near death and the failure of his attempt, and partly he is, but most of all, Dazai is angry. It's an irrational feeling, because objectively the brunette understands both his actions and Chuuya's, but damn objectivity and logic, Dazai terribly furious with Chuuya, who believes he has the right to decide-
Now, Dazai doesn't yell. He doesn't lose control. That's Chuuya's thing. But he's fed up and frustrated and terrified and feeling so much-
He lashes out before thinking about it.
“How dare I?!” he yells, and almost doesn't recognize his own voice when he does.
His yell evidently catches Chuuya off guard because Dazai doesn't fight, not like this.
"How dare you!" Dazai continues to yell, louder and louder because he's drowning, “Of course I know how close I came! It's what I wanted!"
Chuuya takes a step back and releases Dazai from his ability, reacting as if he's been hit physically. However, Dazai is too far from the edge to try jumping again, and Chuuya would stop him anyway, again.
"You can't be serious" Chuuya snaps, he looks angry, but also hurt. However, Dazai is too angry and overwhelmed himself to pick up on that nuance.
“Oh, I'm very serious. Do you really think I want my ability back, after all No Longer Human took from me?" Dazai snaps with unrecognizable abruptness, “Well no! My life was not life! You are not going to force me to return that, I will not leave you. I'd rather die and I will!"
Chuuya takes a couple of furious steps towards Dazai, the concrete cracking under his feet.
“You think I'll just sit back and let you kill yourself?! Because that's not going to happen Dazai. I know it's hard but-"
"No! You don't know, you have no idea” There are tears in Dazai's eyes, tears of frustration and despair, but he doesn't even pay attention to them as they blur his vision, and he refuses to shed them, “You wouldn't survive a single day with my ability. Not-a-single-day.”
“You will learn to control it! Don't pretend like you don't have any other options, you can't just give up like-"
Dazai laughs, interrupting Chuuya. It sounds hollow and horrible.
"You are ridiculous. No Longer Human has never deactivated, not even when I'm unconscious, not even when I'm dying. That will not change! It's just a promise that you won't be able to keep and I'll have to pay for it!"
Dazai's throat hurts. Screaming hurts. Yells hurts. How can people scream so much if it hurts like this?
“I thought you trusted me,” Chuuya snapped, but in a lower tone. Accurate.
Those words work just like a perfect blow to the center of the brunette's chest.
"Do not do that. You can't- You know that's not what this is about.” Dazai points his finger at him, “This isn't something you can fix. You can't fix me, Chuuya!"
“Of course it's about trust. I trust you with my life. Always. Without thinking." Chuuya insists, sounding hurt and furious, “But not you, right? Good. Alright. Do not do it. But I won't let you die, Dazai, I won't, not when you could-"
"Enough! Stop it!" Dazai yells, feeling his heart bursting, "You can't do this to me, you can't make me live a life I don't want, no-"
“You said you wanted to live! You looked me in the eye in the damn Yamashita Park and told me you wanted to live!”
“Not like this! Not feeling empty! Not being less than human!”
Chuuya does not understand, he will never understand.
“You are human, you fucking idiot. You have always been human. And you're my-” Chuuya's voice trails off, and he frowns even deeper, “I'm not going to let you die. I'll get you as many times as I have to and you're going to come to your fucking Agency with me and let them save you-"
"You're not saving me! What do not you understand? I'd rather die than get my ability back. It's not a joke. I'd rather die. And you have no right to-!"
That last one seems to set Chuuya off again.
“I don't have the right?! You gave me the fucking right, Dazai, when you took me around town and told me I was so important to you you couldn't breathe, you gave me the fucking right when you said you loved me, in this very fucking building, when you kissed me and I kissed you and we went- All these days! Years! All those times you-!” Chuuya's voice is dangerously close to breaking completely, but that doesn't matter, because Dazai breaks first.
The brunette breaks down in violent sobs before he can realize his own reaction. Chuuya's words tear his chest apart because all those words are true and recent memories are so beautiful and hurt so bad.
His throat and chest aches and his vision is blurry and his cheeks are wet and he feels like he's choking on his own tumult of emotions and God, what's wrong with his body? How is it possible to generate such a visceral and physical reaction to emotions?
Dazai falls to his knees and rests his shaking hands on the concrete, crying and sobbing as if a dam has broken and he's so useless like that.
“I'm sorry… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…” he stammers, as if choking. It could very well be happening because of the way he's out of breath.
It hurts, because he doesn't want to lose Chuuya, he doesn't want to hurt him and he's sorry but he can't-
Irreconcilable contradictions... What a terribly human thing.
Chuuya's rage melts instantly as he sees Dazai fall to his knees on the ground, crying loudly and leaning on the ground like a lost child. And without the rage, all the redhead is left with is just the pain and worry driven into his chest like stakes.
He came so close to losing it that Chuuya can still hear his heart pounding in his ears from sheer despair.
"You're not saving me! What do not you understand? I'd rather die than get my ability back. It's not a joke. I'd rather die."
Shit, it hurts.
Chuuya pulls his feet out of the holes he made in the concrete while they were fighting (Dazai's yells in his ears, anger, fear, hopelessness) and steps towards Dazai, who is sobbing on his knees on the ground, spluttering and looking as if he's choking on his own tears (You don't understand anything and I'd rather die and I won't live like this and You have no right…). Chuuya kneels in front of Dazai and hugs him tightly, feeling so incredibly distraught.
Dazai melts into Chuuya's arms instantly, sobbing and hiccupping into his chest like a child, and that only makes this hurt even more. Chuuya hugs him tighter, one hand on his waist and the other on his head, holding him as if he thought the brunette would slip through his fingers like water (And he might, damn it, if Chuuya doesn't hold him tight enough). After a few seconds, he felt bandaged hands tentatively wrapping around his waist. Dazai buried his nose into Chuuya's chest as if he could melt more into him.
"I'm sorry" Dazai kept stammering, and Chuuya didn't know if he was apologizing for what he did or for still wanting to do it, but that didn't matter to him now.
"It's okay, Osamu. Let it go. I got you,” Chuuya murmurs, his lips against Dazai's brown curls.
Dazai cried harder.
Chuuya allowed it, blinking away his own unshed tears because damn it, the helplessness of desperately wanting to save someone who doesn't want to be saved feels like trying to catch a shooting star with your bare hands.
Neither of them let go of the other for a long time.
In the end, Dazai agrees to go to the Agency with Chuuya. His response is unsteady and muttered under his breath, terribly tense, unstable at best, but Chuuya clings to it tooth and nail anyway because it's literally all they have now.
Although Dazai thinks not, Chuuya understands. The redhead knows what it's like to have an ability outside of your control, fear, despair. Wherever Dazai feels empty, Chuuya doesn't have a single space left and begins to overflow with the force of a god. Two polarities of the same evil. But Dazai has always been his lifeline, his insurance when control gets out of hand. Chuuya just wants Dazai to understand that he can be that for him too, if he'll let him.
As they enter the apartment, Dazai goes to the bathroom to wash his tear-stained face (after Chuuya makes sure there is nothing in his bathroom that is potentially dangerous to Dazai), looking both the worse for the physical wear and tear due to absence of his ability, as by mental wear. Meanwhile, Chuuya sits on the couch in his living room, feeling strangely exhausted. Dazai's words still echoed in his head on a loop, repeating themselves over and over again in conjunction with the crying and the way those brown eyes looked completely desperate.
The redhead steps out onto the balcony and punches the edge hard enough to leave a large fist-shaped dent, stifling a scream.
Chuuya wants to believe that the fight on the rooftop was enough, that his words were enough. He really wants to believe it.
Dazai is looking at himself in the mirror: Pale, dark circles, messy hair. A disaster in general. He feels very cold at the moment, and also a distant but persistent pain in his side, both symptoms of wear and tear from his ability loss, which caused the fight on the rooftop to leave him more exhausted than it should have been. Crying is a surprisingly large expenditure of energy, he has discovered. And yells too, his throat hurts now.
Simply put, Dazai is completely exhausted. It's mainly the reason why he agreed to go to the Agency with Chuuya. The other reason is the pain he saw in Chuuya's eyes when he told him about what they had. Perhaps, he thinks, he should resign himself and give in, and die when he no longer feels anything, when No Longer Human eats him from the center out again.
Deep down, there is an important part of Dazai that desperately still wants to live, to make more moments with Chuuya and the Agency, to fight a little more for Oda's promise. That part of himself scolds him for jumping, but this other part, a nagging beat that whispers that You're destined to lose everything you care about, over and over again.
Dazai sighs, drying his face with the towel. Maybe he should just trust Chuuya on this, just like Chuuya has trusted Dazai to stop him and save him every time he's used The Corruption. Maybe he should just hold out a little longer and see what-
Dazai puts his hands in his pockets and his thoughts come to an abrupt halt when his right hand touches the edge of something.
Ah. It's the knife that he took from Chuuya's collection before running to the balcony. The brunette had already almost completely forgotten that he had taken it in the first place.
Dazai takes it out of his pocket and gazes at the knife, testing the edge by pressing gently with his fingers, his head suddenly empty of any thought or perception of reality.
He looks at himself in the mirror, his movements slow, almost lethargic, and he's not sure who's looking back at him. It sounds static in his ears, like the sound of a broken radio, and there are no thoughts, no memories, no-
Slowly, Dazai brings the tip of the knife to his wrist.
Notes:
I'm not killing Dazai. I know I said we were going down but don't worry, it'll get better eventually because I'm not Asagiri (I don't and will never get over chapter 109, dammit, I've cried even since, it's awful. Asagiri it's a so cruel mind).
Finally, what did you think of the chapter? Do you have any suggestion? Thoughts? What do you think will happen? All is welcome c;
Keywords for the next chapter, well, we have: Yosano. Edge. Discussions. Elephant in the room.
See you next Saturday! <3
Chapter 15: “15”
Summary:
Dazai bottoms out so he can decide to go up. Chuuya learns more about Yosano's terrifying ability. The Agency worries about Dazai. In the end, everyone gets some peace.
Meanwhile, the vestiges of an organization prepare their next move.
Notes:
TW: For suicide attempt and brief description of self-harm. I was already warned on the labels, but notice at the beginning of this one anyway.
This starts at a dark hole, but goes up from there. Enjoy it!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
When Dazai doesn't come out of the bathroom, Chuuya anxiously walks over to the door and knocks on it with what is probably more force than he should use.
"Oi mackerel! Did you get stuck in the toilet or something?" he tries to sound casual, but he can't stop the anxiety and worry from creeping into his voice.
Dazai doesn't respond and Chuuya's anxiety increases.
"Dazai, don't play with me!" he continues knocking on the door. No answer. "Dazai?"
Shit, damn, no-
"Dazai, if you don't open the door right now, I'm going to throw it down" he warns him. Still no answer. Nervousness rises like bile to his throat, "Dazai! Talk to me!" More knocking on the door.
Silence.
"Shit, shit-"
In desperation, Chuuya almost kicks the door down, but then realizes that he could hurt Dazai in there if he simply kicks the door open and sends it flying into splinters, so he runs to the kitchen to find the key. However, when Chuuya peeks into the kitchen, he immediately notices it: the collection of knives that Hirotsu gave him years ago. One of the knives is missing.
He can't even explain the way realization and panic mix to wreak havoc inside him: Chuuya checked the bathroom to make sure there wasn't anything Dazai could hurt himself with, but Chuuya didn't check Dazai.
"No..."
Chuuya forgets the key, he just uses his ability and rips the bathroom door from the hinges out.
"Dazai! I swear, if you-"
That's it, Chuuya is speechless at the image in front of him and his eyes widen in horror from the shock: There is blood on the floor, the missing knife from his kitchen lying nonchalantly on the blood... And Dazai, sitting on the floor, his back leaning heavily against the bathroom wall... Dazai, not moving... Dazai, whose wrists are split open with jagged cuts from that fucking kitchen knife...
Dazai is...is...
A weak moan escapes the brunette's lips, and then it's clear that he's breathing. Thank God. Chuuya moves fast, grabs the towels from the cabinet under the sink, and kneels (on Dazai's bloody blood) to wrap the towels around Dazai's wrists and stop the fucking bleeding. White towels start to turn red instantly. Shit shit shit-
"Dammit, Dazai, what did you do?"
Dazai's breathing is unsteady, he looks at Chuuya with glassy, half-open eyes, only half present. Meanwhile, Chuuya tries to convince himself that the pools of blood on the floor aren't big enough to spell death. They are not.
"Sorry..." Dazai mutters, turned into a rag doll in Chuuya's hand, unable to move, pale and weak from blood loss.
"No, hey, you're going to be okay, your Agency doctor is going to fix you, got it? You're going to be okay" Chuuya picks him up with the help of his ability, to make it easier to carry him while keeping the towels on tight around his wrists, "God, Dazai"
Things are a blur from there. Chuuya uses his ability more instinctively than consciously to move them towards the outside.
"Sorry..." Dazai continues to mutter, his head falling against the Chuuya's form that supports him. His wrists wrapped around towels that have turned pink and reddish in spots.
"Shut up" Chuuya calls out, more gruff than he intended, but his voice doesn't sound angry, it sounds desperately overwhelmed and wet.
It feels like the only thing keeping Dazai alive is a rope wrapped around his waist that Chuuya is holding with his bare hands from the other end, and the friction in his hands stings, but not as much as it would hurt to let go of the rope.
As Chuuya advances, he feels weak fingers squeeze his shirt and he looks down without stopping moving (because time is not going to stop for him, it never has...). Dazai has tears in his glassy eyes and he is so pale...but he is looking at Chuuya with determination and for a moment, Chuuya is afraid of what will come out of his lips, he is afraid of words that could be echoes of the fight they had in the roof, words like "This is what I want" and "Let me die". Chuuya Nakahara is a damn Port Mafia executive, he's killed hundreds and seen hundreds more die, but the prospect of having to hear those words come from Dazai's lips again... Having to see the blood and Dazai's wounds on his wrists... The possibility of Dazai dying in his arms... another person Chuuya loves dying in his arms... He is reduced to that, he knows he can't and won't bear it.
But then Dazai says, “I don't want to leave you…” and he sounds regretful, "I..."
And what should Chuuya do with it?
He simply squeezes Dazai closer to himself and moves faster, teeth clenched back from the tears he forces himself not to shed.
"You won't leave me" It's a promise. Chuuya is not willing to lose Dazai in any way, ever.
Please, Dazai, this time, fight for you, for us, please-
The thing with emotions is that, even for people who have lived and dealt with their emotions all their lives, emotional stability is an extremely rare gem to find. Not to mention Dazai, who has had full emotions for only a week and since then has felt everything in a fast and changing way, like a roller coaster that never stops going up and down. The joy has been euphoria, but the sadness... hopelessness... have been more extreme as well. Emotions are especially difficult to regulate when you are just beginning to manage them.
That's why the moment Dazai drops the knife, he regrets it. It's like a spark of reality that goes off like a firecracker in the center of his chest. The pain offering a kind of moment of tense lucidity.
God, what did I do?
He can't do this to the Agency. He can't do this to Chuuya, he can't bleed to death in Chuuya's bath... What was he...? Why...? That's not how-
Dazai isn't used to not thinking before acting. All his life they have been completely premeditated calculations and actions, chess pieces that he knows exactly where to move to achieve the desired result. His actions have a motive and a purpose that have been predicted to result in possible choices with slight margins of error (voices humming. "Demons are infallible, Dazai-kun"). Dazai is supposed to trust his own mind above all else.
But apparently that's not the case now, because Dazai wasn't thinking straight when he used the knife to cut jagged lines on his wrists. He wasn't thinking of anything except that he wanted to feel something besides the cold and horrible fear of the possibility of getting No Longer Human back, he was just being driven by the need to disappear and hopelessness at the possibility of an empty and dull future. Yet the cold and the loss of blood are powerful in clearing his mind and it's not this- it's not this he wanted, not like this, no-
Oh, what's this inside his chest? Is it... fear of dying? To leave Chuuya? He... He doesn't want this?
When Dazai jumped from the roof of the building, he didn't have time to think about anything, it was just the only possible option and the jump and the speed of the fall didn't give him time to think but rather to reaffirm the fear of the future dyed of nothing. But now, at the slow rate of blood loss, he has time to think, he doesn't...
When you lose blood, everything goes blurry. Dazai hears Chuuya break down the door, because of course Chuuya was going to come for him (he always has), he hears the terror in his voice more than the words he says and then he feels him wrap towels around his wrists, and it hurts, but all the emotions that Dazai is experiencing at the moment, so absolutely contradictory, leave physical pain in the background (who knew, emotions can do that too...).
Dazai feels For The Tainted Sorrow wrap around him and Chuuya pick him up and knows they're moving, but he has no idea where. "With your Agency doctor," Chuuya says, and oh yes, Yosano and her ability… The blood loss is annoying and Dazai's thoughts scatter like little puddles of rain. With his head resting on Chuuya's chest, Dazai can hear the redhead's heartbeat racing with fear, and guilt blurs his vision...
At the prospect of finding himself on the brink of death, Dazai's thoughts reeled into an abyss of despair and longing. He had felt the cold caress of death on his bones, the tantalizing promise of relief that seemed eternally elusive. For so long, he had courted the darkness with an uneasy familiarity, seeking an escape from the invisible chains that bound him. But now, as the reality of his own frailty unfolded before his eyes, something inside his changed.
Each beat of his heart seemed like a silent cry of resistance, a piercing cry that rose from the depths of his being. As life flowed through his veins in a fragile but amazing dance, Dazai felt an overwhelming emotional turmoil.
I don't want to die now, I don't want to die like this, I don't want to do that to Chuuya, I don't want-
With a weak hand, Dazai used all his strength to cling his fingers to Chuuya's shirt, looking at him determinedly. Chuuya returned a look in which despair and the shadow of fear could be clearly seen, and Dazai said, his voice a shaky whisper, "I don't want to leave you..."
And it was true. He did something stupid, he- isn't- Not like that.
"You're not going to leave me" Chuuya snaps, pulling him closer. Chuuya, his Chuuya.
Tears welled up in Dazai's eyes, not from the physical pain consuming him, but from the rebirth of a spark he thought he had completely lost when he threw himself from the ceiling, when he put the knife into his wrist...
Ah, what am I going to do now?
Why...why do I care so much...if I'm still here or not?
Dazai can feel Chuuya's rib cage ringing as Chuuya yells at a taxi driver that "If you don't drive to the address I gave you now, I'm going to turn your fucking taxi into a pocket toy with you in it! Got it?!" He closes his eyes, time disperses like a rubber band that stretches and shrinks.
"Stay awake, Dazai." his words and tone were firm, his voice full of conviction, even though he was trembling with worry. He held Dazai in his arms, wrapping himself around him and whispering into his hair, "Don't you want to leave me? Then don't leave me, you big idiot. Stay with me."
"Chuuya..." Dazai wanted to say many things, but the words escaped him along with his consciousness.
I'm not going to die yet, I'm not going to leave you yet, you're taking me on time, I didn't mean to stain your bathroom tiles with blood-
He doesn't say any of it, but when he closes his eyes, he knows there will be a chance to say it when he wakes up. He's going to wake up. Consciousness escapes him like spilled blood and no longer catches it.
"Dazai!"
"I need help! Fucking help here!" Chuuya yells, kicking open the Agency door as soon as he gets there.
Dazai's figure seemed frail and pale in his arms, his head resting weakly on his shoulder. The towels he had taken from his apartment were soaked in blood, and panic threatened to seize him. He couldn't lose Dazai, not after everything they'd been through together, not after realizing that he loves him, and that Dazai loves him back. He is not going to lose another person he loves.
Not now, please. Not before me. Not now that he doesn't want to die. Whoever the fuck is listening, please don't take him away-
Chuuya gritted his teeth, and hurried inside, looking around for help.
Thank whatever damn god and who knows how or why, Dazai's companions were already waiting for him when he entered. The children were no longer there, Kunikida had taken them under Ranpo's instructions, and in front of Chuuya there were only Ranpo and Yosano, the latter dressed in her white coat and professional seriousness.
"To my infirmary. Now." The doctor indicates seriously, not surprised by the scene. Ranpo isn't surprised either, as if they had already been expecting it.
Chuuya, looking messy, disheveled and desperate with Dazai unconscious in his arms and engulfed in the red glow of his ability, doesn't even question why the detectives were prepared for this or apparently knew about it before he arrived with Dazai. He'll probably question it later, but for now Dazai is all he cares about, so he urgently nods and carries Dazai to the infirmary, following Yosano, while Ranpo walks behind them more serious than usual, but not alarmed, just paying attention.
Arriving at the infirmary, Chuuya gently places Dazai on the stretcher and takes a few steps back, putting a hand to his face. Chuuya doesn't really know how Doctor Yosano's ability works, but he does know that she is capable of healing, so she should…should heal Dazai… Right? Right? Chuuya isn't even sure he's breathing right now, caught up in the very tension of the moment (Dazai looks so fucking pale).
"You can do something, right?" Chuuya demands, watching Yosano remove the towels from Dazai's wrists and let…let the blood flow out?, "What the fuck are you doing?!" He snaps, sharp as a guard dog, and tries to lunge at her. Ranpo gets in the way and stops him. Chuuya is getting tired of this little detective getting in his way. "Move away, you lunatic! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You're going to let him bleed out!"
"Only until he’s on the edge of death," Ranpo clarifies calmly, as if that's a fucking acceptable answer.
Chuuya is about to lunge in and punch him in the face when Yosano speaks, serious and terrifying in a way that reminds Chuuya (in a creepy and terrifying way) of Mori… He freezes in mid-shock.
"Calm down, Nakahara" Yosano says, "That's my ability, Thou Shalt Not Die. I can heal any wound, but only if the person is on the edge of death. Do you want to save Dazai? Then back off."
Chuuya looks at Dazai, who is growing pale, and whose wrists continue to slowly bleed onto new towels spread out under them. Everything in his body screams at him to do something. Let him kill these two and anyone who gets in his way towards Dazai, put pressure on Dazai's wrists, call a fucking ambulance, whatever.
You're letting him die...
No. Chuuya tries not to get carried away by his instincts guided by protective anger. He almost thinks he hears Dazai's voice saying, "Think a little for a change, Slug". Fucking idiot. But Chuuya does: These people wouldn't go through so much trouble to save Dazai just to let him die like this, these are the people who defended Dazai from the Port Mafia boss, they want to fight for him just as much as Chuuya.
Chuuya steps back and raises his hands, his brow furrowed deeply, his eyes locked on Dazai's limp form as he speaks.
"He better live," he warns them.
Yosano rolls her eyes, measuring Dazai's pulse with her fingers on the man's neck. "That's the plan, tough man.”
That’s the plan.
Yosano Akiko's skill is, to say the least, an impressive sight. Chuuya is amazed (and wary) when a bunch of glowing butterflies surround Dazai and melt into the wounds on his wrists, healing them completely. Dazai instantly recovers his color, his lips are no longer blue, he looks alive and just…asleep…
Chuuya stumbles towards him, stunned, and reaches out to touch the soft, smooth, wound-free skin of Dazai's wrists. They look and feel like they've never gotten a cut before.
The redhead sighed in relief, pressing his fingers into Dazai's wrist to feel for a pulse. The skin still feels very cold, but the pulse is there, strong and steady. Chuuya leaves his hand there to feel it a little more, pulsing rhythmically, alive, and looks at Yosano.
"When he's going to wake up?"
Yosano smirks, “In minutes, probably. My treatments are very effective”
Chuuya nods, "I see" he looks at Dazai, reveling in the way his chest rises and falls with each breath, "How did you know he was coming in...this situation?" he asks, now that there's room in his chest for more than worry and despair. Of course, Chuuya isn't able to call this for what it is, despite the ease with which the words suicide attempt usually come out of Dazai's mouth in all contexts and the ease with which he Chuuya usually claims that he is going to kill him (he would never, ever do that).
Ranpo, who is watching Dazai almost bent over the stretcher from the other side, in front of Chuuya, raises his head and smiles as when he is about to explain one of his impressive deductions.
“It was very simple actually, Mr. Fancy Hat. When you and Dazai seemed to be taking too long to arrive, my poor coworkers who would be lost without me asked me if I knew anything about it, and I used my ability to easily deduce what had happened. Kunikida led the others away, and Yosano prepared the place to be ready to receive Dazai, as you see." Ranpo explains, taking a lollipop out of his pocket and popping it into his mouth, then looking at Dazai, "Silly Dazai tends to forget that we care about him, you know." Ranpo says it lightly, but there's an depth edge to his words.
Yosano sighs and nods, removing the bloodstained towels from the stretcher and tossing them into the trash can, then disposing of her own gloves easily and professionally.
“I don't blame Dazai, it's been a shitty few days. Fucking Mori showing up definitely didn't help." she points out, wincing, "Not to say he doesn't deserve a scolding for the scare he gave us, but he's had full emotions recently, so he's feeling things so strongly that he can end up bouncing between extremes."
"Is that your professional opinion?" Chuuya sighs, his fingers still wrapped around Dazai's slender and thankfully intact wrist.
"In fact, it is." Yosano nods and puts a thermal blanket over Dazai after placing a hand on his forehead and feeling his cold temperature, something that unfortunately is a fundamental internal problem of the lack of No Longer Human in him that she can't fix with her own. ability.
"It is getting worse?" Chuuya asks, unable to help himself for all his damned pride from not looking as anxious as he actually feels.
“Just as expected. The same thing happened to the other two victims. The good thing is that we are working on the solution” replies Yosano.
Chuuya makes a face at the word solution to refer to the way Dazai's ability will be restored, clearly remembering, “You have no right to-!” It takes all of him not to shudder at the memory.
Ranpo sits on Yosano's spinning bench and begins to spin slowly as he speaks: "Dazai didn't take the news that we found a way for him to recover his ability well, did he, Mr. Fancy Hat?" Although he says it in a questioning tone, it is obvious that he knows the answer.
Chuuya looks at him with a frown, trying to control the impotence that the subject produces in him so as not to end up cracking the floor under his feet.
“Like hell no, why the fuck do you think I had to bring him in like that? The idiot is terrified of what's going to happen when he gets No Longer Human back, and I guess he has his reasons, I know he has his reasons, but he-” Chuuya makes a face, “I don't even know why the fuck I'm talking about this with you guys. ”
If there was someone to talk about this with, it would be his Anne-san, but Chuuya has been avoiding her since he practically sent the boss, Mori, to eat shit, hah. At times like this, he feels the special absence of her advice, even if Kouyou isn't Dazai's biggest fan, she still knows him, she still considers Dazai her hateful and slightly scary little brother. She would understand, what Chuuya feels now, and she would give him some metaphor about river flows or whatever, something familiar.
"Because you know we care too," Ranpo points out, breaking his face with that damn know-it-all shit-eating smile with the lollipop stick between his teeth.
Chuuya sighs. He can't argue with that, so he assumes it's true.
Ranpo jumps out of the chair and goes over to pat Chuuya on the arm. The only reason Chuuya doesn't break his hand is because he's too busy feeling and measuring Dazai's steady pulse with his fingers.
"Dazai is going to be okay." The detective says with complete confidence.
Chuuya refrains from responding abruptly: You didn't hear him, you didn't hear him say what I did, you didn't catch him in the bloody air from a fall from a rooftop- But he thinks about it, he remembers it.
"I do not want to leave you". Those delusional words from Dazai are all Chuuya has to hold on to against everything else.
Dazai is going to live, yes, because they are going to give him back his ability, but… is Dazai going to be okay? That's a fucking different story.
Ranpo walks out of the infirmary after those words, literally hopping around like a fucking kid after looking at Dazai one last time.
Yosano sighs fondly when she sees Ranpo and then looks at Chuuya: "I'll be outside in the offices if you two need me, I have to let the others know that everything is fine now, before Kunikida bites all his nails from stress" she winks at Chuuya, then sighs at Chuuya's haunted expression, “I know I'm not the one to speak, Nakahara, because although we love Dazai we don't know him as well as you do, but Ranpo is never wrong, you know? Take my professional opinion here, Dazai is going to pull through."
Chuuya doesn't answer him, so Yosano just nods goodbye and walks towards the exit.
"You can call me Chuuya, you know?" The redhead says suddenly, surprising the doctor in the doorway, "I hate being called by my last name anyway." He shrugs, glancing at Dazai, dismissing him.
Yosano smiles, letting out a sigh. "Okay, Chuuya. Take care of Dazai.”
"I always do" Chuuya answers automatically.
Yosano leaves the infirmary, closing the door behind her.
Chuuya sighed, sitting down on the white plastic chair next to the stretcher and brushing the bangs off Dazai's forehead with his free hand as he tried not to succumb to everything that had happened on his own on this damn crazy day. Dazai looks good, he breathes well, his cheeks have a nice pink tint. Their skin still feels too cold in Chuuya's fingers, a reminder that impending trouble continues and continues to pile up on them.
It would be nice if, for a change, Dazai didn't have a fucking expiration date that instead of breathing only on his neck, also breathes on Chuuya's neck.
It would be nice if, for a change, Chuuya could do more.
The flicker of Dazai's eyelids was met by the soft light of the Agency's infirmary. The brunette felt…surprisingly good…in fact, so physically good that it was strange: No pain in his wrists, no pulled muscles, no lethargy from blood loss. Nothing. There was the cold, of course, but even with that Dazai felt healthier than he had in years.
His brain took a while to come up with the answer to the mystery: Yosano.
So this is how it feels when Doctor Yosano uses Thou Shalt Not Die on you...
Dazai sighed, finally opening his eyes against the light and the smell of medication and antiseptic, set against the dark landscape of the night seen through the window. Despite being physically fine, he feels a jumble of surprising emotions in his chest: Relief to be alive. Fear of being alive. Confusion. A mixture of shame for what he did, which wreaks havoc inside.
With all those emotions pounding, his mind took a moment to focus, and when it finally did, he found the worried figure of Chuuya at his bedside, sitting on the only plastic chair in the Agency's infirmary.
Automatically, guilt added to the emotions Dazai was feeling. Chuuya looked awful: he was disheveled, with bags under his eyes, his hat askew to the side, and he had a hand firmly wrapped around Dazai's wrist, feeling his pulse, a gesture recognizable between them since they were fifteen. Dazai always did it after Chuuya was knocked unconscious by The Corruption, and Chuuya always did it after Dazai was injured on a mission and confined to a bed.
"Are you awake, Shitty Dazai?" Chuuya growled, a mixture of relief and exasperation in his voice.
Ah yes, that's the voice of a scolding on the way. He had it coming, he thought.
"Mmmh, it seems so." He sighed, sitting up on the table, leaning back against the pillow, and looking at the ceiling as he rubbed his intact and re-bandaged wrists (Chuuya had probably re-bandaged them, which Dazai was grateful for), "Yosano-sensei, huh?"
Chuuya snorts and nods. Dazai knows that the redhead is looking for their eyes to meet, but he's not ready to face those blue eyes right now.
Chuuya crossed his arms over his chest, his gaze locked on Dazai. "Do you realize what a stupid thing you did? What the hell went through your head?"
Dazai sighs and refrains from mentioning the irony which is the fact that for once it's Chuuya who is scolding him for doing something without thinking. Instead, he just nods and looks out the window, feeling cold even with the thick blanket pulled over his body.
"I'm sorry" the brunette murmurs, trying to drown out the emotion in his voice.
"Shut up, mackerel. I don't need your empty apologies." Chuuya tightens his fingers around Dazai's wrist, firm but harmless, working as some kind of ground wire for the brunette, "I need you to look at me"
And Dazai does, of course he does. Chuuya's eyes look angry, but also relieved and worried and full of love. And Dazai desperately wants to ask: How can you love me seeing what a mess I am?
"What were you thinking?" Chuuya asks and, this time, it sounds much more like a plea than a demand.
Dazai looked down, feeling a lump in his throat. "No, I know. I don't know what I was thinking at the time. It was a stupid decision and I-I regretted it" Dazai can't explain how difficult it is to say that out loud, to admit that he regretted a decision he had made. Pride is a complicated thing, but he swallows it, because he owes Chuuya sincerity, "I'm... scared, Chuuya." He looks back at the redhead, his eyes bright with tears he refuses to shed.
Chuuya purses his lips, as if it hurts to see Dazai like this. Maybe it does. The redhead runs a hand over his face, concern in his eyes.
"You idiot- I know." Chuuya lets go of Dazai's wrist to proceed to clasp their hands together, "But I need you to realize that you're not alone in this. We're partners first and foremost, right? Trust me."
“I don't deserve to be comforted, Chuuya. I made you a big mess"
Chuuya holds his face firmly, “Yes, you did, but you are a complete idiot if you believe that.”
“I know…” Dazai sighs, resting his cheek against the caress of the redhead's palm, “When…When I was bleeding to death…I realized…This is not how I want to leave you…”
"I'd rather you didn't leave me at all"
Dazai sighs and nods. He would like to explain all the thoughts and feelings that led him to decide that, this time, he was going to try to climb out of the hole instead of going deeper into the mud, but he himself is still a bundle of confusion, fear and longing and a lot of bits and pieces that can't be explained.
So what Dazai says is, “I'm scared, and a part of me still believes that dying would be better than whatever's in store for me. But I want to try, for both of us."
Chuuya looked at him in surprise, his eyes displaying a mix of emotions and a wary, uncertain glimmer of hope. "Really?"
Dazai nodded slowly, his expression serious. "I'm still afraid of what might happen when I get No Longer Human back. I'm afraid that I'll end up empty, that I won't be able to feel anything again. But I want to try, because… because I want to be Chuuya."
Chuuya sighed, as if he had been holding his breath all this time. He approached Dazai, his eyes sparkling with excitement. "You're an idiot, you know that?"
Dazai smiled weakly. "I know. Do you love me like that?"
"I fucking do" Chuuya reached out a hand and caressed his cheek tenderly. "Don't scare me like that again. Promise me."
Dazai makes a face. "I can't promise that, Chuuya... But I can promise you that I'll try... For real this time."
"You better." Chuuya finally smiled, and Dazai felt a weight lift from his chest as Chuuya hugged him tightly, “I won't let you go, you stupid mackerel. No matter how much you resist, I will be here, fighting with you."
Dazai clings to Chuuya, his tears soaking into Chuuya's shirt.
Although that statement tends to be frustrating, there are times, like now, where Dazai is genuinely grateful that Chuuya catches him out of the air.
Dazai breaks away just enough to lean down toward Chuuya, who understands his move just as he would on a joint mission and catches him in the middle in a sweet kiss that feels like at least half an engagement.
Chuuya sighed against Dazai's lips, holding back a tremble. The chaos of the day (and the night before) is finally catching up with him. Dazai notices this, and feels a bit guilty for being the one responsible for Chuuya's exhaustion, so after a while, Dazai lays back on the bed, feeling his own exhaustion (more emotional than physical) weighing on him as well. He looks at Chuuya and gestures for him to join him. "Come here, Chuuya." and pats the empty space next to him on the table, opening the blanket to make room for the redhead.
Chuuya frowned, but Dazai insisted. Finally, Chuuya relented and settled next to him on Yosano's narrow stretcher. Dazai wrapped an arm around him, feeling the comforting warmth of the redhead next to him.
"Let's get some rest," Dazai whispered, feeling his eyes begin to grow heavy.
Chuuya nodded, “Just for a while. You need my warmth so you don't turn into a fucking popsicle after all.” He excuses himself, making it clear that it's Dazai who needs to rest and not him, and his body relaxes against Dazai's as he snuggles up to him.
"Ah yes, Chuuya my eternal savior." Dazai hums, wrapping his arms around Chuuya's shoulders and enjoying the way Chuuya rests his head on his chest and relaxes.
The two closed their eyes, finding comfort and tranquility in each other's presence. Chuuya fall sleep practically instantly. After all, the redhead has always had an easy sleep.
As drowsiness washed over him, Dazai allowed himself to smile. Nothing was even remotely fixed, his chest is still a whirlwind, but he has gained a certain clarity from slowly brushing against death. Not like this. And clarity is always a relief to which he intends to cling.
The heaviness in Dazai's chest was again eased by warmth, and this was so good…so good he could almost pretend it was fixed.
As expected, Chuuya and Dazai slept through the night. The next morning, they woke up at almost the same time. Daylight filtered through the curtains in the infirmary. They looked at each other with sleepy eyes, but soon realized something was up, the reason they had woken up in the first place: Muttering voices and the constant click of a camera filled the room.
Chuuya blinked and rubbed his eyes before focusing his gaze. The room was filled with Agency members, each holding cameras and grinning widely. He felt a blush rise to his cheeks as he sat up, aware that he was tangled with Dazai under a blanket. Dazai, completely unfazed, simply yawned, sitting up and cocking his head in confusion and some apprehension. How much did the rest of the Agency know about what had happened (what he had done) yesterday? But they weren't looking at him pityingly, they were just there, being weird and concerned as always, like some kind of nosy family that Dazai had learned he actually appreciated a lot (emotions and all, hah).
"Look at this adorable couple!" Yosano exclaimed with a giggle. "It's always good to see that they're okay."
Chuuya growled softly, his face taking a pink tint in embarrassment. "Really? Can't you give us some privacy?" he snorted.
Tanizaki laughed nervously, and Naomi replied, hugging him by the shoulders in a decidedly strange way: "That doesn't exist here, Nakahara-san."
Chuuya snorted, calculating the pros and cons of removing gravity from all these idiots and leaving them floating on the ceiling. It's too early for this shit.
"We are very glad that you are well, Dazai-san" Atsushi pointed out with a smile, Akutagawa was next to him (lately, those two were always next to each other) and he bowed to Dazai, nodding in agreement.
Dazai smirked.
"Ah, thank you, Atsushi-kun, Akutagawa-kun."
Yosano walks over and slaps Dazai on the head (she's not wearing her white coat, which Dazai is grateful for, because this place reminds him a lot less of Mori's office that way). The brunette makes a face.
"Yosano-sensei!"
"You deserve it, you know it."
Dazai snorts, but nods like a scolded child. "Mmh"
Suddenly, Dazai feels a shock in the blanket that covers him and looks to the side, “Yes, Kyoka-chan?” He is surprised.
Kyoka, very seriously, is holding out a stuffed rabbit to him, it's small and pink and adorable and Dazai takes it with trembling hands that contrasts with the ease and carelessness with which he would pick up a weapon. "For you," she says, all seriousness and good intentions, and Dazai doesn't have the heart to question why, so he just nods and clutches the stuffed animal in his hand.
"Thank you, Kyoka-chan" he smiles softly at her, feeling strange tugging in his chest.
Then Ranpo throws a piece of candy at Dazai, who automatically catches it with his quick reflexes, confused by all this sudden attention.
"Don't get me wrong but... what is everyone doing here?" Dazai asks, almost sheepishly.
"Embarrassing the reputation of this Agency as always, of course," Kunikida snorts from a corner, but Dazai can see the smile the blond hides in his eyes. Kunikida is a big softie after all.
Chuuya gave him a challenging look, but Kunikida sighed before nodding in Dazai's direction in gratitude. It was a silent thanks for taking care of Dazai, for being there for his mate. Or the partner of the two? Nah, better not question the logistics of that for now.
“More like embarrassing you,” Yosano clarifies with amusement, and Ranpo nods happily. Ranpo and Yosano, what a terrifying duo.
They all smiled and nodded. Even Akutagawa, standing by the window and away from all those…detectives, hid a small smile.
"We are working to save you, Dazai-san!" Atsushi exclaimed enthusiastically, “We already have a solution that we are working on."
"My solution." Ranpo pointed to himself, smug.
Dazai looked around, feeling a lump in his throat. Why were they being so nice to him? Why did they care so much?
Chuuya noticed the expression on his face and nudged him gently. "What do you think, Shitty Dazai? You seem to be the star of the show."
Dazai couldn't help but chuckle softly, feeling a warmth in his chest that kept gaining and gaining ground against the hopelessness. "I guess so."
“Do you want to see what you two look like in your sleep, Dazai?” Ranpo said suddenly, all mischievous and intelligent smiles, and gestured for Naomi to bring the camera closer.
"Hah?!" Chuuya was shocked. Dazai loved it.
“Oh yes, please! Let me see them!" He held out his hands to Naomi, much amused by the sight of seeing Chuuya embarrassed.
"Fucking no!"
“But Chuuya, look! You're drooling on this one!"
"Shut up or I'll break your face!"
From the corner, Kunikida snorted, “Does anyone else remember that we have something called work that we need to do?”
"Oh, yes." Yosano took command, since this was his infirmary after all, "Who doesn't want to receive my treatment, get out of my infirmary!"
They all disappeared in seconds. Even Akutagawa used Rashomon to sneak away from the scary woman with the scalpel.
"I guess we're not included in that, right, Yosano-sensei?" Dazai pointed at himself and Chuuya with a nervous half-smile softened by the warm emotions that were fluttering inside his chest right now.
"Don't tempt me, Dazai." She approached him to take his pulse, while Chuuya was still mortified complaining about the photos on the other side of the table, "You're still very cold, I'm going to get you another thermal blanket"
"May I ask what exactly is the plan you guys have to…give me back my ability?" He tries to sound nonchalant, but the anxiety of uncertainty is evident in his voice. He really doesn't like not knowing about the plans that include him. Though he doesn't like the idea of getting No Longer Human back either.
"Chuuya here knows, I'll let him explain it to you." Yosano affirms, approaching the door, “I'm going to get the blankets. If you feel any other symptoms besides cold, tell me right away, Dazai, got it?"
"Understood." Dazai nods.
Chuuya looks at him suspiciously. Dazai sighs.
"I'll say it if I feel anything else, Slug!"
"You better, or I'm beating it out of you"
"You're so romantic"
"Fuck off"
Yosano smiles, shaking her head, and leaves the room, leaving them alone.
Chuuya and Dazai sigh a soft smile as they finish their discussion. It's terribly nice to go back to their usual dynamic, it almost makes them feel like everything is going to be okay after all...
This is how Dazai, lying under two thermal blankets with a lollipop in his mouth and a stuffed pink bunny in his arms, listening attentively to Chuuya's explanation of the plan underway, thinks of the people who have become his kind of strange home….
Dazai has no faith in himself, and he's so so tired at this point… But he believes in all of them, who, for some reason beyond his understanding, believe in him.
And isn't that beautiful?
It's around three in the afternoon when Ango Sakaguchi walks into the Detective Agency armed with a folder under his arm and a look of perpetual weariness on his face that comes from weeks without sleeping in a proper bed. He's here for Dazai, of course, because it couldn't be any other way. The rope that pulls his old cracked and rickety noose is still strong, and when the Agency called him to request something on which Dazai's life or death depends, he started to move and get resources immediately.
It's downright embarrassing how weak he is when it comes to things Dazai needs, but he takes some comfort in the fact that Odasaku would be a little proud of it.
And now he's here, partly because he brings the information and progress as requested, and partly because he wants to see Dazai without his ability with his own eyes, even if, perhaps, he doesn't have the right to do so.
So, as always when a matter involves Dazai, Ango takes a deep breath, straightens his back, and braces himself: He walks through the door of the Armed Detective Agency with a professional expression and that's it, here he is again, to work in ways he wouldn't if he was thinking of the good of Special Division (he should get information from that machine for Special Division. He's not going to).
I'm here, Odasaku, he thinks, although his face doesn't show an iota of emotion, I've already come to help him.
The machine had been tested on four subjects. Three were dead. One was alive. The last one, to be precise, the member of the Armed Detective Agency.
Subject ID: Dazai Osamu.
According to the calculations, he is starting the second week after the loss of his ability, the week where the symptoms of the loss of his ability increase until leading to the subject's death. Therefore, they have very little time to obtain the subject and study it, to understand where their machine went wrong and how to fix it.
They already got rid of his lab and all the subordinate scientists who knew the secret of the project, as was necessary having been exposed to organizations like the Armed Detective Agency and the Port Mafia. Only the three of them remain, the origin of the machine, but they are enough for what is to come: A new machine, a machine without fault. And they only have one movement left to get what they want, a single plan to execute, a ability that must not fail under any circumstances.
They need Dazai Osamu, and they will get him.
Notes:
So yeah, a moment of peace was necessary, Chuuya and Dazai needed a break (before what follows *wink wink*), and I also need to write some nice moments because I can't stand the existence of chapter 109, damn Asagiri.
Finally, what did you think of the chapter? Do you have any suggestion? Thoughts? What do you think Dazai's emotional reaction to Ango will be? All is welcome c;
Keywords for the next chapter, well, we have: Old friend. Protective. Enemy.
See you next Saturday! <3
P.S: Dazai is just taking a nap, everything in the manga is perfectly fine 🕯️
Chapter 16: “16”
Summary:
Ango and Dazai have a talk. Dazai is feeling a lot of things. Chuuya acts like a guard dog but he is definitely not a guard dog. They sway in the calm before the storm.
Notes:
Yes, this is a Tuesday chapter instead of Saturday, surprise!
My excuse? I couldn't get into AO3, my password decided to play dress up. Finally, I did it. And don’t worry, the next chapter is still out next Saturday, because I need the schedules to stay sane.
Ok, my excuse session is over. Enjoy the chapter!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Dazai barely has time to process that an important part of Ranpo's plan depends on Ango when Ango knocks on the open door of the infirmary, as if asking for permission to enter.
Seriously, at this point Dazai just wants a break which he clearly won't get.
"Hello, Dazai-kun" Ango says, all straight and serious, imperturbable appearance, dark circles in his eyes and a folder under his arm, "May I come in?"
A lot of conflicting emotions explode in Dazai's chest, hitting him from all sides just by seeing Ango. It doesn't help at all to have been remembering things in the Lupine bar so recently. Memories are fresh and emotions are jumping and splashing like stones in water. There's a flash of genuine affection that tears into his chest like bloody claws because Ango smiles at him in his memories, Ango adjusts his coat so he doesn't catch a cold like Dazai is a kid and not the prodigy demon, Ango scolds him for being reckless , and Ango cries the first time she is present when Odasaku revives Dazai after one of his attempts at the river. There was genuine joy in the Dazai back then every time Ango came to the bar and Dazai greeted him, because he was…he was happy to see him. His mind fills with flashbacks to simpler days and the friendship they once had, and then pain surges, sharp as a stalactite of ice, because the joy of the past makes the pain of the present that much deeper (here's one of the things that Dazai has learned these days), because although he only felt the echo, Ango's betrayal hurt. It hurt because Dazai let his guard down and didn't see it coming, let his guard down when he never did, and he lost, again, again and- Oh, there's the rage, deep and burn because You left us and Odasaku died and he loved you and I loved you. Dazai cared for Ango, and the only reason Ango was able to trick him was because Dazai cared. Dazai hates Ango. But…but Dazai still cares about Ango. None of all those emotions is exclusive and that makes it much more difficult.
Ah...
Dazai puts a hand to his chest and squeezes there, feeling like his heart is burning underneath, and this time, he knows the water running down his cheeks is tears. His vision blurs against his will. Overwhelmed. Hurting. Furious. Still care, still longing. Because, in the end, Ango is the only person besides Dazai who really knows what it was like to love and lose Odasaku...
Fantastic. Dazai is crying in front of Ango and he can't help it, he can't help any of those burning emotions.
Ango's face practically contorts in horror when he sees Dazai... Start crying? What? The image of Dazai crying is completely foreign to him. In all the years they had shared, he had never seen Dazai so vulnerable, so fragile. He didn't know how to react to this version of Dazai, and that left him momentarily speechless.
"Da-Dazai-kun?"
Dazai wanted to say a lot of things, he wanted to yell and throw everything at Ango, he wants to tell him to go away and please please stay, and he wants to tell him that he's happy to see him because that's true. Dazai is happy to see Ango. And he wants to tell him that he hates him because he had the opportunity to get Odasaku out of the mafia and he didn't, he left him, he left them, and it's so irrational and childish and it hurts and it's so much that Dazai is unable to say anything, no. The only thing the brunette is able to do now is cover his face with his hands to try in vain to hide his silent tears, and that's what he does, stifling a sob and adding the shame for this sudden vulnerability (because it's one thing to be vulnerable with Chuuya and another diametrically different thing is to be vulnerable with any other human being) to all the other tangle of emotions that he is experiencing simultaneously.
Chuuya was momentarily surprised by Dazai's sudden reaction (he still felt a slight uncomfortable panic welling up in his chest whenever someone, especially Dazai, started crying), but his instincts kicked in as he zeroed in on the cause of his partner's crying, and he reacted immediately, his gaze defiant as he stood protectively at Dazai's right side (always at his right, Ango thinks almost absently, watching the Double Black, some habits never die), and glared at Ango with hostility.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Chuuya's voice is low and threatening, but it helps Ango to react from the initial shock of seeing Dazai cry and confirm that, indeed, everything was true: No Longer Human nullified Dazai's emotions and it doesn't anymore. Dazai really lost his ability. Dazai is covered in thermal blankets because he is dying from it. And Dazai, now with emotions, didn't yell at Ango or throw a knife at his throat as soon as he saw it, no, he cried.
Guilt settles in Ango's chest, but the feeling is very familiar. After all, guilt is the closest friend Ango Sakaguchi has. Somehow, he knows that a knife to the throat would have been much easier to bear.
Ango takes a deep breath, struggling to maintain his composure. "I came…to help," he replies, his voice calm on the surface, though there's a slight tremor in his tone if you lean in close enough, "The Agency asked for my help."
Chuuya does not give an inch. "I didn't ask why you're in the Agency, you bastard, I asked why you're here, standing at the door looking useless when our time is fucking limited."
Ango, with the calm that always characterized him, raised his hands in a pacifying gesture. "I just came to see Dazai," he explained in a calm voice.
"If you think you can take advantage and get something just because he's like this I swear I'll-"
"I have no intention of taking advantage of his current situation."
Chuuya clenched his fists, clearly skeptical. "And why should we believe you?" he snapped, his eyes searching Ango's face for any hint of deceit as he takes a dangerous step toward the man from Special Division, "What the fuck don't you understand about-?
Dazai, still with tears staining his cheeks, did his best to jump over the embarrassment he felt and finally broke his silence. He reached out a trembling hand and grabbed Chuuya's wrist to stop him midway. "Should Chuuya stop barking for a second, Ne?" he murmured, too soft for his usual voice.
Chuuya turned to Dazai with a frown, "Hah?!" But then he saw Dazai's eyes glistening with tears and his anger at being called a dog evaporated like smoke, leaving only concern and reluctance on his face. "Dazai..."
"Let me talk to him alone, will you?"
"Absolutely not."
"I'll be fine. Chuuya doesn't have to worry"
"I hate when you say that line. It usually means I have to worry."
"Please?"
Chuuya feels like when Dazai lays out his strategy and argues about how it's the most acceptable option: Chuuya can't say no.
The redhead kept his gaze on Dazai, his expression showing his inner conflict. He wants to protect him at all costs (especially after all the chaotic events of the past few days), but he also knows that Dazai deserves the chance to talk to Ango if he wanted to.
"Tsk" Chuuya snorted in frustration, but finally nodded, and as if setting a single condition, she leaned towards Dazai sitting on the stretcher, pulling his hair a bit to get closer to him and kiss him in an impulsive act that he couldn't contain, a kiss short but deep, almost like he was marking territory, an act done especially so Ango Sakaguchi would know where the lines were because it was fucking necessary.
Ango had the decency not to look surprised and to remain very still with his folder under his arm, waiting for the inseparable Double Black to finish his show and wondering what a good idea it had been to come here in the first place (rethinking most of his life decisions, in fact. Just another ordinary day at work).
Chuuya broke away from Dazai and warned him firmly, lip to lip, "I'll be right outside," with a look loaded with many things, then let go of Dazai's hair and gave Ango a cold look. "And if you try anything, anything, I'll tear you apart, Sakaguchi."
Ango limits himself to nodding slightly, with his back straight and his gaze forward.
Giving Dazai one last look, Chuuya walks out of the infirmary and shuts the infirmary door with what is probably more force than he should have.
And Dazai and Ango are left alone in a room that feels suddenly small, with the ghost of Odasaku between them... Always there, right in the middle.
Dazai clears his throat and recovers from the pleasant fluttering on his chest from Chuuya's kisses, to be the first to break the silence: "Isn't Chuuya adorable?" However, despite the attempt, his voice sounds careful and a bit wet.
Ango cleared his throat: "Dazai-kun." He knew determinedly that the best course of action was to pretend he hadn't seen Dazai's tears, because that was probably what Dazai wanted anyway, so he moved on trying to stay practical (Dazai tends to be much more appreciative of facts): "I'm already working on the solution. I have been looking for information and resources to help you recover your ability and we already have them. I have come to your Agency to g-”
But Dazai cut him off with a direct question: "Do you regret it?", his piercing gaze locked on Ango's eyes, his voice sounding as if the question had been stuck in his throat for a long, long time.
Ango felt surprised by the question. Regret? It was a heavy word, one he had avoided facing for a long time. "Of what?" he replied, his voice trembling slightly as he struggled to find the right words, because he fears what Dazai might be referring to: Betrayal. Because the answer to that is…it's not what he wanted it to be.
Dazai didn't hesitate, "From me. From Odasaku. From getting too close to us."
Now, that wasn't the question Ango was expecting, it's a much more emotionally oriented question than he ever expected to come off Dazai's lips. (Normally, Ango feels in very specific situations an unfortunately specific need to wrap Dazai Osamu, note ex-mob executive, in bubble wrap. This is one of those times. As he said, unfortunate.)
Ango is speechless for a moment, his eyes searching Dazai's face for an answer. The past they shared was complicated and painful, filled with difficult decisions and unexpected consequences. Ango leaned forward slightly, his back hunched as he wrestled with his own emotions. He had come here with the intention of being practical, of trying to do the right thing, but Dazai was forcing him to face his own emotions and regrets, and how could he back down, when this time Dazai was also facing the same thing?
"Does it really matter?" Ango murmured, his words barely audible, because therein lay the real question, could his answer make any difference or was any of his words doomed?
Dazai touched his chest with one hand, his gaze penetrating as he stated firmly, "Yes, it matters. Really do, Ango." And there was so much in Dazai's eyes that the sight hit him squarely.
The statement rang through the air, leaving Ango momentarily breathless. The vulnerability in Dazai's words left him defenseless, completely disarming him.
Dazai... Dazai cares...
"Never." His voice comes out a little shrill from how unaccustomed he is to letting out his emotions permanently pent up under filing cabinets and cases, "I've never regretted you guys. Not you, not…or Odasaku. Even if there was only one end for us, I don't regret it. You were…my friends…the only ones I ever had…"
Ango's words rang through the air, charged with sincerity and a weight he had carried with him for a long time. Dazai purses his lips into a thin line, his jaw set as he listens to Ango as if taking in what he says word for word.
Then, in a more hesitant tone, Ango asked a question that had been plaguing him. "Dazai, do you hate me? Do you hate what I did, now that you can…feel your emotions towards me?"
The question hung in the air for a moment, filling the room with even greater tension. Dazai looked at Ango, his eyes reflecting a complex mix of emotions. And then, to Ango's surprise, Dazai smiled. It was a wet, soft smile, and so sincere...
You should be able to see him, Odasaku... Ango thinks as he looks at him, his heart heavy with dark expectation at Dazai's possible response.
"No, Ango," Dazai said in a soft but firm voice. "I don't hate you. I know now…" he looks out the window, the afternoon sun like balm on his pale cheeks, "I'm mad at you, and I wish…I wanted to yell at you…I wish you didn't… .” He purses his lips, frustrated, fighting the words he wants to say.
The look in Ango's eyes softens: "Dazai-kun, you don't have to-"
"No. But I want to. I'm tired of this, Ango. I...I don't trust anyone, but...I trusted you..." Dazai takes a deep breath. Ango is holding his breath. "I'm angry and it hurts to remember , but also… you were also one of my first friends and I… I'm happy to see you. God, emotions are so stupid, aren't they?” Dazai smiles and it's the equivalent of an amazing astronomical event.
Ango smiles, he's small, but that's how his true smiles tend to be, small and careful because of the value of whom he dedicates them to, "They are."
"I'm never going to fully trust you again, I can't." Dazai sighs, “But you…understand. You loved him, like me... And I don't want... I don't want to hate one of the people he loved..." he looks up at the ceiling, surprised by something internal "Something strange is happening to me," the brunette informs in a quiet voice.
Ango is alarmed, moving a little closer to Dazai. "What is it? Are you feeling bad, Dazai-kun?"
Dazai shakes his head and looks at Ango.
"I was angry when I saw you, but... but I'm not anymore... My anger was... gone... when I spoke... and you spoke" the brunette says softly, as if he were deeply puzzled by this, "Is that something that happens? ”
Ango adjusts his glasses, clearing his throat, because when Dazai asks him a question this genuine, tilting his head forward a bit, it reminds him of the eighteen-year-old Dazai in the Lupine bar asking all sorts of weird questions about Ango's work and the chances of dying in it.
"Yes, Dazai-kun. Sometimes when you let them out, they just go..."
"Oh, I see." The youngest smiles. It's like always, an impossible-to-read smile, “Hey, Ango, you know I was at the bar a few days ago?”
Oh, that's an invitation to talk...
Ango gingerly sits on the chair next to Dazai's stretcher.
“Has…Has much changed?” he asks, trying to sound casual.
“Nope, it's the same as then. Even the mark that Odasaku made with the bottle opener is still there on the bar.”
"Oh really?" Ango smiles slightly, "Odasaku..." He pauses for a moment, because he hasn't talked about Odasaku out loud in years. He didn't think he had the right or the permission, but Dazai doesn't stop him, he just looks at him carefully, so Ango continues: “Odasaku was very drunk that day, wasn't he? He hardly ever got that drunk.”
"Oh yes, he was very happy because one of his orphans had learned to write and the first thing he wrote was O-D-A."
“I remember, he was so fatherly…”
"You remember when-"
For a moment's respite, a short time before life has to spiral into the uncertain future that awaits Dazai, shared memories come to life for the first time since they were made.
And maybe, a breeze somewhere in Yokohama equals the smile of an old friend.
Dazai has seriously decided that he hates the cold. It is a fact as clear as that the sky looks blue only because of the small size of the waves that produce the color when light reflects off the molecules of the earth's atmosphere. Absolutely like that. Right now, he is shivering quite a bit under the thermal blankets. He knows that shaking is good, it means he hasn't reached the point of hypothermia yet, but it's incredibly frustrating and his teeth start to ache from how much they chatter.
Dazai feels a hand rest on his forehead and opens his eyes at the familiar weight (when did he close his eyes?).
"Hey" Dazai smiled softly as his eyes met Chuuya's annoyed (worried) look.
"Oi, mackerel" Chuuya gently ran his fingers along his forehead under his bangs, "How are you feeling?"
Dazai sighs.
"Mmh, do you want the truth or a lie?"
Chuuya makes a sympathetic face, "Is it really that bad?"
Dazai shakes his head, though moves like that are a bit more difficult when you're shaking that much.
"It's just...the cold...I can't stop shivering" he looks at the ceiling, sighing, "Is it very annoying, Ne Chuuya?"
"I can see that. Annoying as fuck, huh?" Chuuya puts another blanket over Dazai and gives Dazai one last touch on the forehead before sitting down in the chair next to him, "Have you eaten?"
Dazai wrinkles his nose, "Who are you now? Kunikida-kun?"
"Fuck you, I don't have a stick up my ass." Chuuya grumbles, "But I'd have to agree with him right now. You need to be reminded to take care of yourself, you stupid mackerel."
The brunette pouts, snuggling nicely under the extra blanket.
"It's not my fault this time, Slug," he states solemnly, a pout involved.
"Ow, poor baby" Chuuya scoffs, but wraps his fingers around Dazai's slender wrist to feel his pulse, and then, more serious: "Are you still nauseous?"
“Mmmh…” Dazai hums, his gaze lost to the sky.
Chuuya squeezes his wrist before realizing what he's doing, because seeing Dazai lose his gaze after knowing what comes next scares him. "Stay here." It's a plea disguised as order, demanding but shaky around the edges.
Dazai stretches out his hand a bit and taps Chuuya's knuckles with his fingertips.
“Chuuya is blind? I'm here." Dazai looks at it and there it is, right there, very good, "At least for now."
Chuuya taps him on the forehead, "You can't even stop being an idiot."
Dazai smiles softly, closing his eyes. "Is that how you like me, Ne?"
"Yes yes, don't let it go to your head." He strokes his hair a little, “You have to eat something, mackerel. You haven't eaten since yesterday." He adds more seriously.
“Yeah, how am I going to vomit on you. It's not sexy."
Chuuya snorted and then made a face. "Shitty Dazai, why do you always have to make things difficult?"
Dazai chuckled softly, despite his discomfort. "Maybe because I enjoy your company when you're being all protective and grumpy."
Chuuya obviously growls at that. It makes Dazai feel better, honestly: love, care, and familiarity dance on his chest above the cold and nausea, and his smile makes Chuuya's impulsive anger melt away, as always.
“Let's make a deal, mackerel. Let's try something soft and easy on your stomach. And if you don't tolerate it, nothing happens." Chuuya sighs, much more forgiving than he's supposed to be (but there's no one else here to see him be, is there?)
"I'm starting to think Chuuya has a caretaker kink, Ne?"
"Glad to see you've got your sense of humor back, you bastard." Chuuya complains (although deep down he is quite satisfied with the fact that Dazai is making progress in managing his emotions to return to being himself... And isn't that actually tragic, considering what he's about to go through?).
Dazai smiles softly and then without warning begins to cough, flinching at the way the action scrapes his throat. Chuuya rushes to sit Dazai up against the pillows and holds his back to keep him steady as the brunette continued to cough, murmuring words of support. "Hey, hey, easy, mackerel, easy. Just take a deep breath."
Dazai struggled to catch his breath, his face flushing slightly red from lack of air. When he was finally able to control his cough enough to speak, he whispered in a raspy voice, "I guess I'm ruining the mood, huh?" And he winced, rubbing his chest with the palm of his hand.
Chuuya gave him an annoyed look, but also a loving one. "The last thing you should be worrying about right now is the fucking mood, you idiot."
Chuuya offered him a bottle of water, which Dazai accepted gratefully. He drank a little and then rested his head on Chuuya's hand, feeling the comforting warmth of his touch.
"Are you okay now?" Chuuya asked with a mixture of anxiety and tenderness in her voice, "I should go find your doctor."
Dazai shook his head. "No. It's not a…new symptom. We don't need to bother the adorable and terrifying Yosano-sensei." He takes another sip of the water from the bottle, more to calm Chuuya down than because he actually wants to drink the water.
Chuuya frowned, but did not argue. He knew Dazai well enough to know when he was being stubborn. Instead, he changed his focus. "So what do we do? You can't just stay here feeling like hell."
Dazai gave him a tired smile, leaning a little on the edge of the stretcher. "I guess I'll just have to put up with it for a while longer. But don't worry Chuuya, I'll survive. I've got a pretty decent record on that, don't you think?"
Chuuya gave him a mocking look. "That's because you have more luck than judgment, idiot."
"Chuuya is so rude" Dazai chuckled softly, a laugh that sounded a little hoarse due to his coughing. "But seriously, thanks for being here."
Chuuya winced as his heart raced, still unaccustomed to the earnest and heartfelt emotional statements Dazai would suddenly blurt out since he had lost his ability, but he couldn't hide the soft smile that appeared on his lips. "You don't have to thank me for taking care of your irresponsible ass. It's part of my job."
Dazai winked at him, playing with the edge of the blanket. "Oh, I know. But still, I appreciate it."
Chuuya crossed his arms, but his eyes were sparkling with a bit of amusement. "Okay, don't get too excited about it. I don't want to get your blood pressure up or shit."
Dazai chuckled softly again, the laugh still a bit raspy. "Don't worry, Slug. My pressure problems are nothing compared to the headaches you give me."
Chuuya snorted, but couldn't help but smile, "You're the headache, mackerel." And he patted his head for emphasis.
"Chuuya…" Dazai murmured after a while, his voice soft.
"Hmm?" Chuuya looked down, meeting Dazai's eyes searching hers.
"I love you, you know," Dazai said sincerely, his voice slightly husky but full of emotion.
Chuuya smiled softly, reaching out and placing a hand on Dazai's cheek. "I love you too, idiot."
Their gazes met in a meaningful silence before Chuuya leaned down and gave Dazai a soft, comforting kiss. This is definitely one of the reasons why Dazai wishes he had more energy and not actively dying, to have a lot more of it.
They were silent for a moment, just enjoying each other's company. Dazai finally finished the bottle of water and set it aside.
"I'm exhausted," Dazai admitted, letting out a yawn.
Dazai admitting to being exhausted? That is what Chuuya would call progress.
Chuuya stood up and carefully arranged the blankets for him. "Then get some rest, mackerel. I'll be here if you need anything."
Dazai nodded, letting his eyes drift shut as he snuggled under the covers, “Mmmh, Chuuya, my personal guard dog…”
"Maybe I'll bite you." Chuuya growls.
"I would like that"
"Bastard"
Dazai smiled without opening his eyes. The cold had become more bearable, and he didn't think it was exactly related to the thermal blanket.
Dazai is fast asleep on the table under a pile of blankets when Atsushi walks in.
"What do you want?" Chuuya snarls softly before even realizing who it is, turning with eyes worthy of a lethal predator (to anyone other than Dazai, of course. Dazai would say mad dog eyes, or, if he is in the mood, sexy).
Atsushi obviously freaks out. "I-I just wanted... Dazai-san... to see... I... er..."
"Oh, it's you." Chuuya sighed and his expression relaxed when he saw that it was just the tiger boy, raising his eyebrows as he stammered, "I'm not going to bite you, tiger boy, but keep quiet. The idiot here just fell asleep." He says cordially as he nods at Dazai asleep on the stretcher.
Atsushi nods very quickly, complacent. Seriously, is this the guy they called The Man-Eating Tiger?
"How...how is Dazai-san doing?" Atsushi mutters, softer than necessary but audible to Chuuya, wringing his hands behind his back.
Chuuya adjusts his hat, "Alive. And that's how I plan to keep it." He answers, looking at the blanket-covered brunette. Dazai looks so skinny under it all that Chuuya is already thinking about all the things he's going to feed him when this is over (because it's over and it's going to be fine), "The mackerel has had a long day, but nothing that doesn't can handle. He's your master, so I assume you know he's a persistent bastard." Chuuya smirks at Atsushi.
At these words, Atsushi finally seems to relax a bit and seem more like a person than a scared kitten, smiling gently and nodding.
"Dazai-san always survives." He determinedly confirms, and then bows, "Thank you so much for taking care of him, Chuuya-san."
Chuuya is surprised, but then he smiles indulgently with a little amusement in his eyes.
What a people you surround yourself with, mackerel.
"It's nothing. After all, I'm the only one allowed to kill the bastard" he says easily, and then very gently pushes the bangs away from the sleeping Dazai's forehead to feel his temperature, with a delicacy that decidedly contradicts his words. And that leaves Atsushi confused but resigned to the fact that this is just another of the many dynamics of the people around him that he won't be able to understand.
Atsushi opens his mouth to ask if there's anything else he can do when a loud crash, like furniture breaking, sounds from the offices.
The crash splits the air, vibrating through the hallway and ringing in Chuuya's and Atsushi's ears. Chuuya immediately went alert, his blue eyes flashing with a dangerous gleam as he straightened up. Atsushi, for his part, jumps, his eyes widening at the sudden sound.
Dazai, who was fast asleep until then, startles and opens his eyes in a daze, looking around in confusion. "What... what's wrong?" He mutters, his voice hoarse with sleep.
Chuuya puts a hand on Dazai's head, stroking it gently to keep him down, “I don't know, I'll see. You stay here, idiot. If I go out and come back to find you off this gurney, I swear I'll kill you."
Dazai snorts, still not fully back from sleep (which is annoying, normally he's never had to deal with things like torpor), and without enough energy to argue, and just winces weakly, “Don't destroy the building or Kunikida-kun will suffer a stroke for the cost of repairs."
Chuuya rolls his eyes. "I don't promise anything, but I'll try to keep it under control."
Chuuya then turns to Atsushi, who still seems a bit startled by the din, "Tiger boy, stay here with Dazai. Make sure he doesn't get up under any circumstances. I'll go see what's going on in the offices," he says in a firm but calm tone.
Atsushi nods fervently, like a boy with an important mission on his hands. "Understood, Chuuya-san, I'll be here with Dazai-san. Take care."
The redhead patted him on the shoulder before heading towards the door. Before leaving the infirmary, Chuuya looked at Dazai once more. Dazai looked serious, but tired, and still winked at Chuuya when their gazes met.
Idiot, Chuuya thought, that ringing completely in his brain as if it were an affectionate nickname.
In the hallway, Chuuya strode forward towards the direction of the noise. His senses were alert, ready for anything. He didn't know what was going on, but whoever had decided to fuck off today, now, when he'd finally gotten Dazai to sleep, was going to fucking regret it very soon.
Notes:
Well, what did you think of the chapter? Do you have any suggestion? Thoughts? All is welcome c;
Keywords for the next chapter, well, we have: Trap. Skills. Mistake.
See you on saturday! <3
PS: As always, I leave my usual prayer at the end; "Dazai is just taking a nap, everything in the manga is perfectly fine 🕯️"
Chapter 17: “17”
Summary:
Chuuya fights a skill user who locks him in a tunnel full of emotions. Dazai is in danger. Suddenly, everything hangs by a single thread.
Notes:
At this point, there are more or less two or three chapters left to finish according to my rundown. Crazy huh?
Anyway, enjoy the chapter! <3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chuuya walks down the corridor of the Agency with a firm and determined step. It sounds like there's a fight going on in the offices, but the sound is terribly far away, which is weird, like the distance doesn't match the volume of the sound...
Chuuya crosses the threshold of the door leading to the offices, but ahead all he sees is... Darkness? What? What is this?
The redhead looks around, confused and alert, an annoyed grimace on his face. A few minutes ago it was in the afternoon light, the Agency lights, and now it's dark and there's a path under his feet and ahead that's incredibly narrow.
It's a ability.
"Shit," he mutters, because he's almost certainly just walked into a trap, and stands on his feet, on guard, looking around angrily.
His mind begins to race at full speed: Is it an attack directed at the Detective Agency and he was caught in the middle? Is it an attack directed at him and the Detective Agency got in the way? Is just a one ability user? There is more? Is it an organized attack?
I shouldn't have left Dazai in the infirmary.
His thoughts are interrupted when an echoing voice hangs through the air, accompanied by sinister laughter. "Welcome to The Tunnel, Chuuya Nakahara."
The voice comes from everywhere, but there is no visible figure. Chuuya clenches his fists, his senses on high alert, rage boiling in his chest because… what the fuck is this? Has this guy already incapacitated the Agency? This guy can use his ability on several at the same time?
"Who the fuck you are! Come out and fight me, you cowardly bastard!" Chuuya snarls, projecting menace and determination in his voice, though uncertainty eats at him from the inside.
The redhead activates his ability, the red light from For The Tainted Sorrow envelops him from head to toe, and he prepares to attack the first thing he sees.
From what seems to be the bottom of this damn tunnel, a silhouette begins to appear. At the same time, Chuuya's feet start to get sucked in as the floor seems to turn to tar.
The figure of a man gradually emerges from the shadows, his features distorted and changing. "I am Ernest, and you are my entertainment today, Chuuya Nakahara."
Chuuya grits his teeth, his eyes scanning his opponent. "Ernest, huh? Nice try at scaring me, but that's not going to work."
Ernest lets out a jarring laugh. "Oh, I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to unsettle you. My ability will push you to the edge of your sanity."
Chuuya tries to attack him with his ability while tearing his feet from the ground and it becomes solid again, but the man vanishes like smoke in front of his nose before he can touch him with the anti-gravity, and his laughter echoes throughout sides like a discordant and macabre echo.
"What the hell are you doing with this?!" Chuuya yells furiously, trying to break down the walls or something, but this space doesn't seem to be made of matter.
"Nothing personal, Chuuya Nakahara, we just came looking for something that belongs to us, the key piece that will lead us to greatness." Ernest exclaims and the unnatural tunnel that surrounds Chuuya almost seems to curve into a smile. What the fuck is this, "I want Dazai Osamu."
At that moment, Chuuya senses a presence behind him, so he turns around and attacks it with all his might.
The response to his attack is a female scream that leaves Chuuya frozen in place.
"Chuuya... what have you done?" In front of him, Kouyou returns a hurt look. The woman's chest, where Chuuya hit, is full of blood, and also her mouth. A direct and fatal hit.
Chuuya is horrified and takes a step forward, suddenly unsteady on his feet, "Ane-san?"
“Boy… In the end… you lost control…”
Do you know why I always carry my hands in my pockets? I'm afraid of losing control of myself...
Chuuya feels like a child again, his eyes widen in horror, "Ane-san!" he kneels in front of her, "No no no no no"
Kouyou smiles weakly, though blood continues to flow from his mouth and his gaze is wistful. "Don't... cry, Chuuya. This... was inevitable."
“No, it wasn't inevitable, I shouldn't have hurt you… I never-!” Chuuya is in shock, he holds his dying “big sister” in his arms. “This isn't real, right? It's a damn illusion!"
Ernest, hidden in the shadows, watches with satisfaction as Kouyou's illusion fades, leaving only Chuuya embracing the air. The redhead feels cheated, stupid, angry with himself for having fallen into the trap (it was so real, so real for a moment…).
"Are you enjoying this, motherfucker?!" Chuuya yells into the void, his fists shaking with rage and frustration. "Come out and face me!"
Ernest's cold laughter fills the tunnel, as if he were everywhere and nowhere at the same time. "You have no idea what you're dealing with, Nakahara. Your mind is a fascinating place, I don't even have to invent monsters for you, they're all in your head. I'm enjoying every moment."
At that very moment, Chuuya is surrounded by five terrifyingly familiar faces.
"No..."
Lipman, Doc, Albatross, Iceman and Pianoman. All mangled and covered in blood, broken in all the wrong places, just like that day...
"You doomed us."
"We die for you."
"You let us die!"
"You are cursed and you dragged us down with you."
“Your very existence killed us.”
"Enough!" Chuuya yells, his fists clenched in anger. "This…this isn't real. They would never say…" blame, blame, blame, "I'm going to rip your fucking head off when I catch you, damn it!"
Chuuya starts running towards the end of the tunnel, slamming For The Tainted Sorrow against the walls of this damn hell tunnel. The distorted figures of his old friends begin to fade into the darkness, like smoke blown by the wind. The room begins to shake and the tunnel walls seem to ripple like water.
Ernest appears at the end of the tunnel, his brow furrowed, "Still not enough for you?"
Chuuya sees it and charges forward instantly, his rage mixed with the phantom pain of his own guilt buried under his feet a long, very short time ago.
"Why the fuck do you want with Dazai?!" He demands, attacking and- Oh, that's it.
Ernest hits the tunnel wall and then vanishes before Chuuya launches a second attack, but that doesn't matter, because the redhead has already seen his weakness: For a moment, when he appears in front of Chuuya, Ernest is real and needs time to disappear, and is therefore capable of being killed in that amount of time.
And Chuuya is going to fucking kill the bastard for this. He's not going to lay his fucking fingertips on Dazai.
Paul Verlaine materializes in front of Chuuya, but Chuuya has had enough of this game and attacks the illusion head-on, causing it to vanish into thin air.
"Your trick won't work on me anymore," Chuuya declares, his voice steady.
Ernest laughs, his features changing shape once more. "Interesting. But let me show you more of my tunnel."
The environment starts to distort again, and this time Chuuya feels like his mind is being twisted, so he turns around to look for the jerk and Mori Ougai, the boss, grabs him by the neck and squeezes. It leaves Chuuya embarrassingly paralyzed for an instant by shock.
Mori's face is close, his sinister smile cutting the air with its wickedness, squeezing Chuuya's neck, "Do you want to know what I did to Dazai-kun, Chuuya-kun? Do you want to feel it? Do you want to feel it for yourself? Feel what you allowed me to do to him?
Images begin to spin around him, overlapping with the distorted reality of the tunnel. Chuuya sees Dazai, his eyes empty, his body marked by cuts and wounds. The vision becomes even more intense, and Chuuya can see Dazai in the middle of a dark and sinister room, tied to a metal stretcher. His face is pale and full of suffering, but he doesn't scream. The image is so vivid that Chuuya feels Dazai's pain as if it were his own body being tortured.
"No... no..." Chuuya mutters, her voice barely a whisper amidst the oppression of the nightmare. He feels a mixture of anger and nausea at the sight of Dazai in pain, and he also feels a surge of guilt.
Mori leans even closer, his lips almost brushing Chuuya's ear as he whispers in an ominous voice, "You could have stopped him, Chuuya-kun. But you chose not to. You chose to blindly follow me. You are just as guilty."
The illusion grows more realistic with each passing second, and Chuuya feels a surge of despair and overwhelming guilt.
"Stop!"
Mori whispers in Chuuya's ear with an icy voice, "Imagine every cut, every slash, every moment of agony Dazai-kun suffered. I can make you feel it, Chuuya-kun. I can make you experience everything you allowed me to do to him."
From everywhere and nowhere, Dazai's screams of sheer agony begin to ring out.
No. That's not Dazai. My Dazai is in the infirmary and I have to keep him safe because I fucking promised him, because I need him safe.
"No...!" he manages to articulate with difficulty, his eyes full of determination. "This isn't real! You're not Mori! You're a fucking illusion!"
With superhuman effort, Chuuya manages to break Mori's fictional grip and push himself out of the illusion, coughing and rubbing his throat full of completely real bruises. Indeed, Chuuya can be hurt here in the tunnel... But that doesn't matter, because Ernest can too.
"It's over! I'm going to kill you!" He screams, launching himself towards the end of the tunnel.
Someone grabs Chuuya by the shoulders and when the redhead turns around, Dazai hugs him.
"Stay here with me, my Chuuya..." the illusion murmurs, and it sounds so real, the same voice... Chuuya feels terrible desires to stay in these arms forever. But the touch is inert... empty...
Chuuya turns away from the fake Dazai and looks at him, clenching his fist that is wrapped in red, as if preparing to attack.
Ernest appears behind his back with a smirk, looking like a jester in the middle of a show, but Chuuya isn't as dumb as he thinks, he became a mafia executive for a reason.
Chuuya makes a cheeky feint, and the instant Ernest appears behind him, his body changes direction driven by anti-gravity, charging directly at the enemy.
The bastard screams loudly. Good.
The infirmary was quiet, except for the monitors marking Dazai's status. Atsushi was sitting next to the bed, watching his teacher with concern. Dazai, his eyes narrowed from exhaustion, lies on the stretcher, coughing occasionally. The outside beyond the infirmary door is eerily quiet.
Atsushi gets up from his chair anxiously, looking at the door, "Maybe I should go see what's going on... Dazai-san, have we been attacked?" He looks to his mentor for guidance.
Dazai's mind works as hard as it can to answer that question, despite his lingering weakness: Chuuya left the infirmary only ten minutes ago, but the silence is disturbing. If the Agency was attacked, by whom? Is Chuuya in any real danger? He should let Atsushi go out and investigate? Will that put Atsushi at risk? Will Atsushi be at more risk if he stays with him now?
His head is painfully slow by normal standards from torpor and Dazai feels like punching himself and yelling; Think!
"Dazai-san?"
Dazai opened his mouth to reply, but his gaze drifted to the door to the infirmary. A dark mist was seeping under the closed door, snaking into the room like an ominous shadow. Dazai's heart pounded as his instincts kicked in. Atsushi, not noticing the mist yet, waited for a response from Dazai.
Dazai's heart began to pound as his eyes widened in astonishment and the pieces in his head began to click together (too slow, too slow). His first instinct was to tell Atsushi to touch him to protect him from the ability that was clearly at stake. However, that option was out of his reach now that he no longer possessed No Longer Human.
"We have a problem," Dazai said in a low but urgent voice, pointing to the mist that spread across the ground towards them. Atsushi stood in front of Dazai, fear in his eyes and fierce determination in his expression. The protective gesture touched and worried Dazai in equal measure, but there was no time to deal with those emotions now. In fact, there was no time for anything at all.
"What's going on, Dazai-san?" Atsushi asked, his voice quavering as he watched the approaching mist. Dazai made an effort to move, but his still weak body didn't respond properly to his commands.
Everything was clear now. The gap in the story that Chuuya told him: The ease with which they found the plans for that machine. How he did not see it before? The experiment organization was by no means extinct...
"They're coming for me…" he murmured with sudden resolve. The mist, dark and almost sick, continued its inexorable advance toward them, climbing up the walls, surrounding them, leaving them with no way out.
"What?" Atsushi, not fully understanding what was happening, acted on impulse, "I won't allow it!" He took a step towards the door, ready to open it and face whatever was on the other side, he stepped into the mist. Dazai, feeling a genuine panic in his chest that ached from the sudden and totally new way it tugged at him and his emotions, yelled with all his might, "Atsushi, no!" But it was too late.
As soon as the mist came into contact with Atsushi, his expression faded into a blank stare and he fainted to the ground without actually opening the door, completely engulfed in the mist.
Dazai watched the scene helplessly, his heart pounding in anguish, his body tense as he struggled to his feet, his mind working at a thousand miles an hour.
It's a trap, a trap, and you were too slow.
The door swung open fully, revealing a woman on the other side. She smiled sinisterly, her ability evidently responsible for the mist that filled the room. Dazai struggled to move, his body still limp, as the woman advanced on him. She has red hair and mist-clouded black eyes that seem to be part of her entire body, an absolute extension of herself.
"Osamu Dazai," she says, moving her hands to call her mist back to her body, "We're coming for you."
Dazai forces a smile (it's times like this that his earlier lack of emotionality would really come in handy).
"Oh, even though I like a beautiful lady, I'd rather decline this time. You see, I already have an engagement with a grumpy chibi who will be very upset if I leave without warning."
Her smile spreads across her sharp face.
"Oh, Nakahara Chuuya? Don't worry about him, my partner is taking over"
Dazai's smile fades and his brows deepen. He feels a pang of concern for Chuuya, even though he knows that Chuuya can take perfectly good care of himself and slaughter anyone (irrational emotions), but he also knows that his situation is now more pressing than ever.
The woman seemed to notice the change in Dazai's expression, "Don't worry, we won't hurt your little boyfriend. After all, we're only interested in you."
"May I know the name of my kidnapper first?" Dazai cocks his head, clenching his fists under the covers. He knows that trying to buy time is useless now, that he's trapped like a fly in a spider's web and no one is going to make it in time and he can't even try to fight in his current state. But if Dazai gains a few more seconds, then he can-
"Mary Louise, and we're about to get to know each other a lot better, subject number four."
Dazai was about to say something else, but before he could articulate his thoughts, Mary Louise, with a wave of her hand, manifests the mist and quickly surrounds Dazai with it. Dazai's lungs fill with mist, and before she can react, she feels her consciousness slowly slip away. He tries to resist, but he's just a mortal at the mercy of an ability (useless, useless, someone else has control of you again, panic, irrational, useless). It's a horrible new feeling, being imprisoned by someone hostile's ability against his will. The mist seemed to seep into his thoughts, clouding his awareness, turning his eyelids to lead.
Dazai tries to move, to fight the mist that surrounds him, but he feels his strength fading fast. Mary Louise's voice echoes in his head as the fog grows thicker and more oppressive.
"Sleep, Osamu Dazai. It will be easier for everyone if you surrender to the arms of The Last Mist."
Dazai's thoughts blur, and his vision blurs to black. His last conscious thoughts are of Chuuya.
A signal…
Dazai falls completely unconscious on the stretcher, engulfed in mist.
Chuuya stands his ground, his power flowing through him with awesome intensity. Finally, when he has rendered Ernest unable to fight, he reduces the pressure of his Gravity, but not enough to allow his enemy to recover.
The redhead approaches Ernest, his gaze filled with contempt. "You're an amateur compared to the true monsters I've faced," he tells her coldly. "And you will never be able to manipulate my mind again"
Thereupon, and without offering the man the privilege of responding, he kicks him hard in the face, knocking him unconscious. Instantly, the tunnel that imprisons him begins to fade and the light from the end begins to head towards him. Chuuya raises an arm to shield his eyes from the bright light, his foot still stuck in Ernest's chest.
When Chuuya lowers his arm, he finds himself back in reality, right at the doorstep of the Armed Detective Agency offices. He can't help but huff in relief, that was a fucking unpleasant experience. Looking around, he sees Akutagawa, Doctor Yosano, Posit-man, and Kyoka. They are all kneeling on the ground, visibly affected on various levels. They were probably in their own tunnels at the same time as Chuuya. The conceited detective, the weird brothers, and the blond boy who looks like a ray of sunshine with legs are missing, and, but Chuuya understands that they were with the president and the idiot Sakaguchi, fine-tuning the details of the device that will save Dazai, so they probably didn't fight this idiot.
Yosano smiles from the ground, "Well done, Nakahara."
Chuuya smiles back, "It's Chuuya, remember?" And he looks down, returning his attention to Ernest's bastard, because there's a job to finish.
With his foot on the man's chest, he begins to squash and press mercilessly. Nobody messes with his head.
"Nakahara, wait" says Posit-man, getting up like an unsteady idiot on his feet, but Chuuya doesn't even pay attention to him, because no one is going to stop him from killing this idiot.
However, before Chuuya can inflict the killing blow, an urgent voice reaches his ears. "Wait you stupid executive, wait! Don't kill him! We need him alive!"
Chuuya stops his foot at the last second and quickly turns towards the source of the voice, furiously. He's the cocky detective.
"Why?" He growls, his voice thick with hostility.
Ranpo looks anxious as he tries to catch his breath after running here. "For Dazai."
That mere mention of Dazai makes Chuuya stop dead, alert and confused. A knot forms in his chest, and his gaze flicks from Ernest to Ranpo with a mixture of uncertainty and wariness, "What do you mean?"
Before Ranpo can answer, Ernest, still under Chuuya's foot, starts laughing. A dark and deranged laugh that makes the hairs on the back of Chuuya's neck stand up. Without hesitation, Chuuya delivers a vicious kick to his face, momentarily silencing him as she glars at him with contained fury.
"What the hell are you laughing at?!" he spits at him, his voice low and dangerous.
"Because...I won." Ernest looks up, a sinister smile painted on his bloodied face, "Or where do you think the nullifier is now?" He mutters mischievously.
No...
The realization hits Chuuya like a punch to the stomach. His gaze widens. Waiting no more and brushing off everyone who gets in his way, he runs to the Agency infirmary, feeling his heart beating fast against his chest. He doesn't care who's coming after him or anything except-
"Dazai!"
The door to the infirmary is open when he arrives, and a stench emanates from inside the infirmary like the damp of a foggy day. Chuuya pushes the door open and walks in, his gaze desperately searching all over the place for Dazai. But all he finds is the unconscious tiger boy on the floor (his chest rises and falls, so he's breathing, well done, not an immediate concern), and the empty gurney with its sheets in disarray. The room seems almost desolate compared to how quiet it should have been.
"Shit..." he blurts out, his voice filled with anguish and frustration. It's not here. Dazai is not here.
He shouldn't have left him unprotected. Tiger boy is just learning, dammit. Chuuya shouldn't have left him, shouldn't-
The pieces fit into his brain with a horrible crunch. The whole time it was just a distraction, Ernest was just a distraction while someone else took Dazai right under his nose.
Chuuya screams in frustration, punching the metal edge of the stretcher so hard that it slams into the middle in the shape of his fist.
They took him. They took Dazai away, just like that.
Chuuya remembers Dazai's farewell wink before the redhead went straight into a trap like an idiot, he remembers how tired Dazai looked, how much he was shaking, how his coughing had started to increase... Dazai was getting worse but it was going to be okay because he was safe and the solution was being built in this very building, but now... Now all that means Dazai is in no position to defend himself against whatever the fucking bastards that took him pretend to do.
Chuuya squeezes his wrist before realizing what he's doing, because seeing Dazai lose his gaze after knowing what comes next scares him. "Stay here." It's a plea disguised as order, demanding but shaky around the edges.
Dazai stretches out his hand a bit and taps Chuuya's knuckles with his fingertips.
"Chuuya is blind? I'm here."
But he's not here anymore. Not anymore. And it's Chuuya's fault because he let them take him away.
“You allowed it, Chuuya-kun. You are just as guilty."
Without the help of the machine, Dazai has five days to live at the most. Five days. And they took him away.
"Damn!"
Dazai wakes up on a metal table, feeling cold to the bone. He is bound at the arms and legs, so weak that he can barely pull the ropes. Panic (horrible, inconvenient, deep panic) envelops him like a dark shadow, and an agonizing oppression seizes his chest. For a moment, he is sure that he is in Mori's office, that this is his metal table, that right next to him is a medical cart with the Port Mafia boss's favorite toys. And the brunette is forced to bite his lip until it bleeds just to keep from starting to squirm.
Dazai tries to remember how he got into this situation, but the images are blurry and fragmented. The last thing he remembers is the dark mist seeping into the infirmary, the helplessness of not being able to move his own body, and his worry for Atsushi. Oh, and the signal for… Yes. Afterwards, everything becomes confusing and dark. Not Mori, then, but machine organization, which isn't exactly better at all.
The room he is in is cold and sterile, lit by intermittently flickering fluorescent lights. The constant sound of an electrical buzz resounds in his ears, creating a feeling of unease.
Before he can begin to assess his situation, the door to the place creaks open and Dazai's muscles tense, his eyes scanning the gloom for his captor. An awkward silence fills the room until he feels the presence of someone approaching him.
A hand lands on his arm, wrapping too-heavy fingers around his icy skin, and despite his attempts to remain calm, Dazai can't help but send a chill down his spine.
Now, Dazai knows that in situations of kidnapping or when one is cornered, one must not show any weakness and that it is in his best interest to appear nonchalant, to get all the information he can and to assess the possibilities. It's an exercise he's done many times and a strategy he knows by heart because he's made it his own for as long as he can remember, even before the mafia.
The problem is that Dazai didn't have emotions on the surface back then, emotions like raw nerves exposed to the air that he still hasn't learned to regulate… And now he does. And the touch is too surprising, it does not have time to raise its walls, it does not have time and burn-
As soon as they put a hand on him, invasive, oppressive, unknown (vulnerable, desperate, novice), all his attempts to keep his composure collapse so easily…so easy that he would be embarrassed if he wasn't too busy tearing his throat out…
Dazai, against his better instincts, scream.
Notes:
I want to give you a couple of useless pieces of information from the skill users I created for this chapter:
Ernest = Ernesto Sábato, Latin American writer of "El túnel"
Mary Louise = María Luisa Bombal, Latin American writer of "La última niebla"
Both very good books, I recommend them. I couldn't resist making Latin American references c;
Finally, what did you think of the chapter? Do you have any suggestion? Thoughts? All is welcome c;
Keywords for the next chapter, well, we have: Interrogation. Urgency. Machine. Revenge.
See you next Saturday! <3
PS: There's only a week left for us to confirm what we obviously already know; "Dazai is just taking a nap, everything in the manga is perfectly fine 🕯️"
Chapter 18: “18”
Summary:
Chuuya finds a signal and runs an interrogation. Dazai gets worse and remembers some things. The people involved in the kidnapping begin to understand why you don't mess with Chuuya Nakahara's stuff.
Notes:
I'm in house moving mode and I didn't realize that I didn't upload the chapter yesterday, oops, the poor chapter was alone in a corner of my drafts, but I realized and here it is. I hope you enjoy it c;
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
A whole day has passed since Dazai was taken away. An entire day. Chuuya had spent the last twenty-four hours in a state of constant anxiety and rage. The agency was in chaos, with everyone working on finding Dazai or building the machine that could restore his ability. The tension in the air was palpable, and Chuuya couldn't bear the feeling of helplessness that had plagued him ever since Dazai disappeared.
Worries rang in his mind like commands: Dazai. Vulnerable. Protect. Find. Kidnaped. Find. Vulnerable. Protect. Dazai. Dazai. Dazai.
The interrogation of Ernest had only been useful for Chuuya to smash his face in and knock him out too quickly. That had been fucking unprofessional. Chuuya wasn't as good at interrogating as Kouyou and his team, not like Dazai used to be, for that matter, but he knows that much better than knocking out the target he needs to keep suffering and conscious enough to break their resistance and get the necessary information. Chuuya had struck at Ernest with a ferocity fueled by the worry and anxiety she felt for Dazai. It had been an impulsive act, a release of the anger and frustration that had been building since Dazai had disappeared, and now the tunnel-fucking bastard was unconscious, in the hands of Dr. Yosano.
Chuuya can't sit still. Worry eats at him, uncertainty torments him. His hands clench into fists, his teeth are clenched, and a mixture of anger and anguish burns in his chest. Time passes too quickly, torturing him with its progress. He needs to make a move, to do something, but he has nothing. He's just here in the Agency offices with his fists raw, standing in the middle of the room like an idiot. If Chuuya had his team of subordinates, he would have already deployed them for a tentative but calculated search, but he doesn't, not for this.
All they have to work with now is Ernest's identity (and Ernest, currently knocked out), so since Dazai was kidnapped, the Agency has been collecting information on the subject, his ability, his criminal history (fucking human experimentation low caliber), and outlined possible locations that could be their base (and therefore the place where Dazai is). The cocky detective successfully deduced that the kidnappers are going to keep Dazai alive because they want him so they can understand their machine's errors, but that's not at all comforting. The images of a ruined laboratory haunt Chuuya today more than ever... Shit. But regarding Dazai's location, the cocky detective claims that Ernest is the key. Fucking useless.
Right now, Posit Man is presenting everyone present with the progress of the search on a whiteboard, urging everyone to work together and stating that finding Dazai was a priority, and Chuuya has had enough. He really can't bear words of encouragement right now. His mind was caught in a spiral of worry and anger. It doesn't help that his head is still messed up, an aftermath of being trapped in the tunnel with all those fucking hallucinations.
"Stay here." It's a plea disguised as order, demanding but shaky around the edges.
Dazai stretches out his hand a bit and taps Chuuya's knuckles with his fingertips.
"Chuuya is blind? I'm here."
In a moment of contained rage, Chuuya punches the wall with his fist, creating a hole in the surface. He is fed up with the lack of progress, with the feeling of helplessness that surrounds him. Everyone in the room fell silent, surprised by the dwarf's display of anger. Kunikida, wincing at the Agency's (new) hole in the wall, cautiously approached, trying to calm him down.
"I can understand your concern, Nakahara, but smashing things won't get us anywhere," Kunikida said in an attempt to placate him.
Chuuya glared at him with furious eyes, unable to take any more of the words of comfort that rang empty in her ears. "Don't you understand, idiot?" he growled. "We're wasting time. Dazai doesn't have time."
Chuuya noticed out of the corner of his eye the way the tiger boy, currently curled up on the sofa, cringed guiltily at his words. The boy had been being a guilty bundle ever since he'd woken up and found out that Dazai had been taken away. But Chuuya doesn't have time to worry about that now, let alone take it back.
"Dazai doesn't need a fucking desk job right now, he needs us to find him."
"Nakahara..."
Without staying to listen to the answer, Chuuya turned around and left the offices with a slam. He couldn't bear to stay there another minute. He needed to find Dazai, and he needed to do it now.
The redhead ran through the corridors until he reached the infirmary where Dazai had been kidnapped. The room is the same as when Dazai was kidnapped, and that only increased Chuuya's anxiety. Everyone was so busy looking for Dazai that no one seemed to have returned to the infirmary.
Chuuya stands in the middle of the room, looking around helplessly. It is then that his eyes fall on the messy stretcher. A glimmer of hope ignites inside him and he walks towards it quickly.
Maybe...
Chuuya reaches down and ruffles the sheets, throwing them to the floor. The stretcher below with its white cover has apparently nothing unusual, except for the small cut on one side about the size of a little finger. Chuuya frowns and pulls out his razor from the inside pocket of his jacket, using it to open the small cut a bit, just enough to fit two fingers. When he does, his fingers under the sheath find something instantly.
With steady fingers, Chuuya picks up the small item and examines it. It's a little oval piece of metal, about as small as a grain of rice... and it's blinking a tiny red light. A signal, it's receiving a signal that can be encoded: They're parallel tracking chips. Chuuya and Dazai used them on a mission at sixteen. Dazai had Chuuya get the shit between his teeth before he went on an infiltration, while Dazai had stayed with the other one, the one who would be in charge of receiving Chuuya's signal and therefore being aware of his location at all times. moment. They were two very simple pieces, one emitting a locating signal, the other receiving the signal so that Dazai could decode it.
Damn. Chuuya was so focused on Ernest having to be the answer to finding Dazai that he forgot that, in fact, the best clue to finding Dazai is always Dazai.
"Cunning bastard, of course you did." He mutters to himself, unable to help but smile with relief as he watches the receiver chip caught between his fingers emitting a constant signal.
With renewed determination, Chuuya put the badge in his pocket and headed for the exit. He had a location, he had a clue. Now all he had to do was find Dazai before it was too late.
Leave it to me, you stupid smart mackerel.
Dazai lay on the metal table, his body uncomfortably exposed to the investigation of lunatics one and two, better known as Mary Louise and a man who called himself Mikael. He was bound in shackles welded to the metal table, both at the wrists and ankles, limiting his movement to a minimum.
"You are my favorite patient, Dazai-kun. You don't give a single cry."
No.
The machines and monitors attached to his body hummed and flickered constantly. Wires snaked over his skin, and needles and sensors pierced his flesh. Every beat of his heart, every breath, everything was being recorded and analyzed.
The cold in the room was unbearable, penetrating to Dazai's bones. His teeth chattered involuntarily, but he couldn't do anything to warm himself. There was an uncomfortable itchy sensation on his skin, as if a thousand invisible insects were constantly crawling over him, and a dizziness that came and went. Also, and this was new, he had started to feel constant pain in the chest area. Symptoms of loss of his ability. Ablaze. Worse. And the emotions were there too. The irrational fear at the center of it all, working like cast iron to cover his lungs above the shame, the feeling of vulnerability, the resignation, the dangerous desire to give up contrasted with the equally dangerous desire to run and save his life.
Dazai had calmed down since his initial outburst, when he screamed the first time he woke up (humiliating, by the way), and hasn't said a word since, concentrating on gathering every inch of information he can about the place, the people, and the purpose of everything they are doing to him.
The first thing they had used on him had, of course, been a machine that generated extreme cold, to analyze the matter of the body temperature imbalance his body was suffering from because of the stealing-ability machine. With careful movements, Mikael had focused a blast of cold air directly onto Dazai's body. The excess cold forced its way through the thin robe he was wearing, penetrating his skin and reaching his bones. Every part of his body had felt numb and sore, but Dazai hadn't moved an inch, even made a slight gritting motion, jaw clenching.
Then came the blistering heat tests. The bright lamps and hot air machines bathed him in a sweltering wave of heat that tightened his chest and made it difficult for him to breathe (something he didn't show either, managing his heartbeat as best he could given the debilitating conditions), yet his body remained deathly cold despite all the heat he was exposed to.
Now, his amused kidnappers were about to give him a contrast X-ray of his entire system. Mary Louise was holding a syringe and Mikael was holding a tray with a bottle of thick liquid. Dazai knew what was coming next, and his heart began to pound.
They injected the iodinated contrast into his system, and Dazai felt an excruciating burn spread from the injection site. Dazai felt the metallic liquid flow through his veins, radiating heat that shouldn't be there. The metallic taste filled his mouth as the x-ray was taking place. It was as if his veins were on fire. The pain was so intense that it made him clench his teeth hard. The monitors flash, displaying his vital signs and reactions to procedures. Mary Louise and Mikael whispered to each other, exchanging theories and observations. They seemed to be very focused on their work, paying no attention to the person at the table before them (obviously, because they weren't seeing him as a person. That was fine, anyway, even Dazai himself didn't look like a person the most part of the time).
Despite everything, Dazai keeps his gaze fixed on the ceiling, showing no sign of weakness and trying to block out the pain and humiliation he was experiencing to focus: He knows that Mary Louise has an ability and Mikael doesn't. He knows that he is bound in welded shackles and not ordinary handcuffs. He knows that even though Mary Louise and Mikael are the only ones playing with him in this room, there are about a dozen people outside, probably outsourced watchdogs. He knows that even though he could have undid these ankle shackles, his body isn't responding to it and he- he can't. And he knows that he has a chip between his teeth and that Chuuya is going to find him like he always has. Eventually.
His nose starts to bleed. Oh, and his ears too, right after.
Dazai knew that he had four or five days to live without the machine. He thinks that has changed because of the way his body rebels against him with each new test he is given. He knows these idiots want to keep him alive and he knows they're failing.
They are killing him faster.
Decoding Dazai's signal and finding Dazai's location was easy. It was located in a parallel location in coordinates to the destroyed laboratory where the Agency had found the plans for the machine a few days ago, specifically under an abandoned hospital. The problem was that, to the naked eye, it looked like an impenetrable cube with no doors or windows. There had to be an entrance, obviously, but if it was related to an ability and by going blind they fell into another trap like Ernest and his tunnel, that would just put Dazai and the rescue operation in fucking check.
The fucking dilemma of lack of information, that is.
So Chuuya is here again, in the Agency's private office that they set up as a makeshift interrogation room, standing in front of Ernest. The room where he was being held prisoner was dark, with a single lamp hanging from the ceiling, casting a dim light on the figure of Ernest, who was tied to a chair (apparently the Agency used it as a supply warehouse, but just as good for torturing people).
Chuuya is furious. Every minute that passed without finding a way in increased his despair. He knows that Dazai was in danger and he couldn't afford to waste any more time. However, he had a new approach now to make the idiot talk, his cold and dangerous eyes fixed on Ernest, who had slowly stopped smirking at Chuuya's gaze.
"You're going to tell us how to get into that base whether you like it or not," Chuuya snarled, his voice filled with a barely contained ferocity. "The thing here is that he decides to mess with my Dazai. And that, you bastard, was a big mistake. No one touches what's mine and just walks free afterwards."
"Do you think I'm afraid of you, Nakahara Chuuya?" Ernest snapped, but the tremor in his voice confirmed that yes, he did, "I've seen your mind. I've seen your fears. Pathetic scared boy."
It was a provocation. A painfully obvious one. And for obvious taunts, Chuuya preferred Dazai.
This time, the mafia executive didn't take the bait or proceed to beat him unconscious. Instead, he smile. Ernest seemed to shrink back in his chair, startled by his reaction. Good.
Chuuya slowly approached him, his combat gloves creaking as he clenched his fists. "Did you know that Dazai was a torture expert when he was in the mafia?" he said with a sinister smile. "Well, you learn a few things when you're partnered with the mafia's best interrogation man."
A very visible chill ran through Ernest's body. Chuuya, sickened by the irony of the role he had to take here, but still a man with a goal, channeled his inner Dazai (ugh, only a Dazai was perfect, that's why he had to get it back, see?) and started making precise cuts in very specific areas.
He almost seems to hear the voices of Kouyou and Dazai giving instructions behind his back...
"The inner thigh is one of the most painful places to cut, boy. Yeah, like that, cross cuts. Do as I've taught you. And don't forget to smile for your victim."
"Half of the interrogation is the fear you instill without acting like a mad dog, you silly Slug. The other half, of course, is in the game. I would recommend pulling the nails very slowly, take your time pulling and peeling, sing a song while you do it. And then you dig his own fingernails into his skin."
Ernest's cries of pain turned to pleas pretty quickly.
Chuya smiled. It was anything but a cheerful smile.
"Are you ready to tell us how to get into that damn fortress now, Ernest?"
Ernest screamed and squirmed. Moaning in pain. Chuuya felt satisfaction in regaining his pride like this: Torture for torture. The bastard must have known better than to play with his head, must have known better than to help Dazai be taken away.
Ernest swallowed his pride and his fears. Now, he knows he had no choice, "It's okay! It's okay!" he cried with a shaky voice. "Please, stop!, stop! Now! I'll tell you how to get in. I will! I will!"
So it is much better.
Ernest began giving his almost frantic details about the entrance to the secret base, how to access it, and the possible dangers that might be found within. Chuuya made mental notes, recording each word.
When Ernest finished speaking, Chuuya moved away from him. "Thank you for your cooperation," he said with a coldness that made the idiot's skin crawl, who was shaking in the chair from pain and blood loss.
"Can I... can I go now?"
At the cheeky question, Chuuya turned to him and his eyes were red like a demon's. Even though he desperately wanted to break the jerk's neck, he couldn't afford to turn the Agency against him now, so he just raised his hand and used his anti-gravity power, roughly pushing the chair to the floor and making her fall. Ernest's head would bounce off the floor. The man was instantly unconscious.
Wait for me, mackerel. I'm coming.
Dazai's mind is floating. It's like being high. Or like losing a lot of blood. Or both. It feels like having cotton inside his brain. Everything went blurry and distant, as if he were trapped in a fever dream (or the icy version of a fever dream). Sounds faded and colors blurred in a whirlwind of fuzzy sensations. Within that mist that enveloped him, memories take him away from reality, distract him from pain.
Memories are dangerous, Dazai has learned. If you're not careful, you can feel the memory as if it's happening again. Fortunately, that also applies to good memories. And, in the middle of this, he just found out in the midst of this, good memories work really well as an anchor...
Suddenly Dazai is fifteen years old and Chuuya is the most interesting person he has ever met. He's so…so human, everything Dazai tries to fake and fails to do. The brown-haired man can't help but stay in Chuuya's orbit, to absorb every detail, gesture, and reaction to his provocations. The red-haired boy is easily angered, but he is also fiercely loyal. It is clear, from a scientific point of view, that Chuuya feels things, and feels them very strongly. He is a wonder to watch.
They fight together for the first time and a very strange thing happens, an iridescent spark ignites on Dazai's chest when Chuuya calls out his name, when he looks at him, when he perfectly understands Dazai's plan with a single movement. It's almost…maybe…like a feeling, something sticky and strange, like an attraction that vibrates. No Longer Human nullifies it the instant it happens, of course, but it was there. After years of nothing, that spark was there, and it was produced by that redheaded boy who was too loud, too raw in a world where you shouldn't be.
It is Chuuya who makes Dazai want to fight, although Dazai will never tell him, it is the echo of a longing to be able to feel that little spark again, to be able to feel it more.
“Does the suicidal maniac want to live?”
"It's not what I said. But I think I want to try and see what happens."
There were no changes, of course. No Longer Human took away every beginning of emotion that Chuuya gave him. But he had been there: for a very fleeting moment, Chuuya had been his reason for living.
Dazai's misty mind keeps spinning between memories, flashes in time, something to hold on to while his body feels like it's turning to frosty ice...
Dazai is then seventeen years old and is standing on the rooftop of the Port Mafia, looking up at the starry sky. Chuuya is standing behind him, but Dazai doesn't have the energy to say something witty and fake a smile that isn't accompanied by any real feeling.
"Do you think that one day we will find our place in this world?" Dazai asked, his gaze fixed on the starry sky.
Chuuya snorted, "Don't be an idiot, we have our place in the world. Here in the mafia" there was a silence, and then... "As partners."
The sparkle in his chest took Dazai by surprise, something sweet and edgy that, as always, faded too quickly for him to catch. No Longer Human nullified that, as with everything.
Dazai stared at Chuuya for a moment anyway, the way those blue eyes stared straight ahead, so completely honest, the way he was clenching his fists in his pockets in nervousness. Chuuya cares. Dazai tends to forget about it, because it's just another fact that, even though it sparks every once in a while, it never really becomes a real emotion.
Dazai has nothing to give him in exchange for that. So he smiles, all fakeness and seams, a portrait of other smiles that he has fused on his face like a frankeisten, and opens his mouth to hum with amusement.
"Slug got sentimental"
"Hah?!"
Dazai sees it, the way disappointment flashes across Chuuya's face quickly before being replaced by anger. If Dazai is lucky, maybe Chuuya will hit him, which would at least make him feel something, even if it's physical.
"Fuck you, you fucking mackerel."
The punch makes him stagger to the side, and also helps him remember.
Ah, yes, I'm still alive.
Then Dazai is twenty-two and he has emotions and he's in Chuuya's apartment and he feels everything, everything is so much, from the flavors to the way Chuuya brushes his fingers against his shoulder. And, for a moment, Dazai is no longer at a metal table and is instead dancing to a slow song that talks about love with Chuuya in the center of their living room. He's on Chuuya's bed and Chuuya looks at him, so open and honest and so… so Chuuya, and it's almost like looking directly at the sun being the moon. Impossible, but there, but real.
And that's what Dazai wanted. Be selfish or whatever, live and have all that, have the sun even at the risk of becoming Icarus…
Mary Louise pricks his arm, and memories of his mind clouded by the decay of his body vanish around him, like bubbles rising toward the sky. Dazai is back in the darkness of the experimentation room, his arms and legs bound.
His captors speak to him, questions Dazai doesn't even process. He silently wonders how much longer those memories will mean anything, and if all that, all the feelings and desires, will go away again...
Maybe No Longer Human will act fast, maybe he won't even feel the loss... Maybe there will be nothing and that will be it.
Dazai coughs and tastes metallic blood in his mouth...Maybe...Maybe he'll just die here.
The door to the place where Dazai is being held is disguised by an illusion and changes according to the time on the clock (thanks, Ernest). Chuuya, of course, leads the attack line, with Akutagawa as his backup. He believes that the Agency didn't send any of their own with them because they know what they are going to do to all the people inside this compound, what Chuuya is going to do to those who dared to take Dazai and take him away. Well, it's better if they don't interfere.
They came in the Agency's minivan, which offended Chuuya and his motorcycle personally, but it was necessary to move medical equipment and have space to treat Dazai in case it was necessary to do so on the way back to the Agency, so could not object. Yosano and Atsushi are waiting in the mini van. Posit Man, Kunikida, wanted to come too, but ultimately stayed at the Agency to keep everything related to the machine organized for when they arrived with Dazai.
Because they're going back to Dazai, with Dazai alive. There is no other possible option.
The clock strikes the necessary time. Chuuya touches the impenetrable wall with his bare fingers and it reacts to a skill user's touch (a pretty stupid hold, if you ask Chuuya). Instantly, a huge steel door is revealed in front of Chuuya and Akutagawa.
Chuuya's body is enveloped in the red light from his anti-gravity ability, and soon the door is also enveloped in the same glow. Steel is nothing to gravity.
Dazai is alive, Chuuya is sure. The bastard wouldn't have left a signal on him if he hadn't been prepared to resist as long as he could. But if these people did something to him, when the only one with the right to do it is Chuuya, the Port Mafia executive is going to make each of them wish they didn't exist.
From the way Akutagawa frowns and prepares himself next to him, the boy agrees with that.
Dazai opens his eyes weakly when he hears the loud crash coming from the distance, like a huge piece of metal falling to the ground. Although muffled by the walls, there it is, the sound unmistakable.
Mary Louise exchanges a look with Mikael, and his tormentors one and two begin whispering under their breath. At the same time, the blaring alarms of the place begin to sound.
Dazai smiles weakly despite the constant pain pulsing through his entire body and the way he's stopped shaking violently to lie there in the cold on the metal table (which, well, hypothermia), because the feeling surging in his chest Right now it's as strange as it is incredibly comforting. He doesn't know what this emotion is called, but he translates it as: I'm not alone. Not anymore.
Is awesome...
"Why do you smile?" Mary Louise suddenly asks.
Dazai looks at her and takes his time to answer, enjoying the role reversal because, although he's still tied up at this table, now she's the one who feels exposed.
Dazai coughs, clearing his throat, and licks his dry lips that have an aftertaste of blood.
"My dog came for me." he answers, and looks up at the ceiling, closing his eyes. It's alright if he close his eyes and let his guard down now, it's alright, 'cause he's here, "Good luck"
"Dog?"
An explosion is heard.
Notes:
Will Kunikida have to request a structural damage account in the Agency to Chuuya? Very likely.
After this, there are one or two chapters left, it depends a bit on how I end up structuring it, anyway, when do I get to the moment when this is already ending? (minute to get excited). Anyway, I don't rule out writing some extras c;
Well, what did you think of the chapter? Do you have any suggestion? Thoughts? All is welcome c;
Keywords for the next chapter, well, we have: Weakness. Resignation. "I'm here"
See you next Saturday (we could ignore it's currently Sunday)! <3
PS: I'll have to pray for Dazai's life until October. Asagiri plays with my heart.
Chapter 19: “19”
Summary:
Chuuya destroy everything in his way to get to Dazai. The time is finishing. The Agency helps. Dazai fears what he is going to lose much more than death.
Notes:
Publishing chapters at dawn is my passion (Saturday dawn is still Saturday, amen).
Anyway, enjoy the chapter! c;
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chuuya destroys everything in his path. Without regard, without mercy. Fast and methodical. He lets Akutagawa take care of dismembering each of the gun-wielding morons in the surrounding area and only concentrates on destroying those who stand in his way to the source of the signal emitted that tells him where Dazai is. They aren't ability users, they just have common weapons... For gravity, it's like swatting flies. The ground trembles under Chuuya's power, and the walls seem to groan under the pressure of his ability.
Finally, the redhead reached the door where the source of the signal indicating Dazai's current location from the tracking chip came from. Without wasting a second, Chuuya manipulated the gravity of the door and caused it to explode in on itself from the pressure in a burst of twisted metal and debris. His heart beat with a mixture of desperation and determination as he entered the room, stepping over the rubble of the door that he had destroyed like it was made of paper.
He look around the dimly lit room, too much like a laboratory.
Please let him be okay, he has to be okay, if he is not okay I will-
And there, in the center of the room, he sees Dazai.
Chuuya's heart twisted as he saw his partner tied to a metal table, his face pale and bloody. Cables and machines surrounded his battered body, and his eyes were closed, as if he were unconscious or even dead. He looked so small and fucking fragile, so much like Dazai should never look, that Chuuya felt a lump form in his throat.
He knew there were more people in this shitty lab, but all he could see was Dazai, the rest was red, red, red. His expression went from momentary anguish at seeing him like this to a burning fury that took over Chuuya when he saw Dazai in that state. How dare they do that to Dazai?
A woman, Mary Louise, the one of the mist that Ernest sang about when Chuuya made him speak, stood in front of the metal table, in the middle of Chuuya's path towards Dazai, and raised her hands, her eyes shining unnaturally as she summoned her ability.
"The last mi-!" She started, but didn't even manage to finish the sentence that would summon her sleeping mist. Her ability had verbal activation and was manifested through his hands. Gravity was faster. And there was the extenuating circumstance that she had dared to stand in Chuuya's way to Dazai.
So, before Mary Louise could finish the gesture, Chuuya increased her gravity, turning her into a red glow, causing her to sink to the ground with a scream of agony, leaving her body pinned to the cement. Unconscious or dead? He didn't care about that.
"Don't take another step! Stay still!" Someone shouts at him from the side of the metal table where Dazai is, a man pointing a gun at him. Chuuya doesn't give him a second glance and continues walking.
The man, Mikael, shaking and terrified after watching the gravity manipulator get rid of Mary Louise so easily, is pointing his gun at the redhead with unsteady hands.
"I said still!" He yells at him and shoots.
But Chuuya, without even looking in his direction, stops the bullet in mid-air and returns it with deadly precision. Mikael, or rather his body, falls to the ground with a bullet in the center of his forehead, dead instantly.
Nothing else mattered at that moment to Chuuya than Dazai. Once the two idiots who were trying to get in his way are out of the way, Chuuya stops seeing red and his anger softens into overwhelming concern as he runs the remaining distance towards Dazai, quickly approaching the table where the brunette He's tied up, showing no signs of reacting despite all the fuss the redhead has made by coming in and getting rid of Mikael and Mary Louise.
Dazai shouldn't look so bad, he shouldn't look like this, more dead than alive (Is he breathing? He has to be, he has to be). He had more days left before the lack of No Longer Human k- Shit, what-did-they-do-to-him?
Chuuya takes off his gloves and throws them to the ground, pressing his bare fingers against Dazai's neck. There, please there, please stay here with me. He almost sobs with relief when he feels a pulse, but his worry doesn't fade, but rather increases when, upon closer inspection, he notices the way his lips, eyes, nose, and ears are stained with relatively fresh blood. The sickly paleness of his face. His pale lips half inked between purple and blue. His skin feels so cold to the touch. And his bandages... Damn. Chuuya wants to revive all the bastards in this place to kill them again. They took off Dazai's bandages...
"Dazai..." he murmurs with a trembling voice as he cuts with his knife the ties that held his partner to the metal table. His movements are soft and careful, as if he were manipulating a very fragile piece of glass. Anyone who saw him now and then saw the massacre of bodies he left in his path would think they were two different people.
Once he finished removing the restraints and the keys and tracks connected to Dazai's body, Chuuya gently held him against his chest and, only then, did he announce over the communicator that he had forgotten he was even wearing it.
"All clear. Got him."
"What is his status?" Yosano asks from the other side of the communication line, alert and professional.
"He's breathing, but he's not waking up. I think he has some internal bleeding. And he's fucking cold. Yosano-" Chuuya describes gruffly, his voice tinged with a desperation he doesn't have the strength or interest to disguise.
"I'm going over there now with the stretcher. Try to wake him up and give him some warmth. We have him in time, Chuuya."
Chuuya doesn't respond anymore. Communication ends.
Do they have him in time? Really?
Dazai was pale and weak in his arms, but he was still breathing. Chuuya took his coat off his shoulders, wrapped it around Dazai's shoulders as best he could, and then hugged him tightly, rubbing his arm carefully, trying to give him some warmth. Then he looked at him, and Dazai shouldn't be so still. Never.
"Dazai, you idiot, wake up," Chuuya murmured, his voice shaking as he gently caressed Dazai's cheek with his thumb, "I'm here, you're safe. Come on, open your eyes for me."
Nothing. Silence. A pale, bloody face that doesn't look back at him. Chuuya feels desperation rising in his throat like bile.
"Dazai!" The redhead raises his voice, but it doesn't shake him, he doesn't know which movements can cause the most damage because he doesn't even know exactly the magnitude of the internal damage, only that it must be a lot because of all the places where he seems to have bled, "This is not the time to playing sleeping beauty, idiot. You better wake up now, or do you want me to punch you awake?" He tries, and the protective way he holds them in his arms belies his threats.
What if Dazai doesn't wake up? What if Chuuya, for once, arrived too late?
The silence persisted, and time seemed to slow down as Chuuya waited for an answer that didn't come. A wave of panic washed over him, and his gaze turned wild, scanning Dazai's pale, bloodied face for any sign of life besides the slow beat of his pulse.
What if he never wakes up? What if one of the only people in his entire life who sees him as he really is, who sees him as human, is simply gone? What the hell is Chuuya going to do then?
Chuuya's heart hammered in his chest, fear and helplessness threatening to overwhelm him as he stared at Dazai, whose form lay limp in his arms. Worry drew deep lines on his face, and the words he uttered were more of a plea than a threat.
"Dazai!" He screamed again, this time closer to tears than anger, "Please..."
With Dazai half lying on the table, half cradled against his chest, Chuuya looks around, anxious. Where is the doctor? Where the fuck is-?
And suddenly, a voice filters through his desperation.
"Chuuya is so rough... threatening to hit someone unconscious..."
Chuuya looks down at the head resting against his chest, and brown eyes glassy and weak but wonderful and familiar and there, look back at him.
Damn, thank god, thank god-
Chuuya opens his mouth to answer him, but a sob of inevitable relief escapes him and he squeezes Dazai a little against his chest, unable to find words for a moment.
"You were late..." Dazai murmurs, breathing shakily into Chuuya's chest (even his breath is cold).
That is common among them. Chuuya should joke back, call him a bastard or something, but he was so close to losing him, so close that he just...
"I know," the redhead murmurs, kissing Dazai's forehead slowly (so cold, so cold), "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm here."
Are you here. Still here, still with me.
Dazai can't stand it. His whole body aches, it feels like there are little shards of ice stuck in every inch of his skin, expanding in and out. And in his chest... The warmth of being in Chuuya's arms contrasts with the terrible vulnerability and disgust he feels for the situation he is in. The tears fall down Dazai's cheeks, cold and overwhelming, before he can try to stop them (he can't, it's too many emotions and he feels so weak and it's been so much and it's not over, it's not over, it's not over) .
"They took off my bandages..." he sobs into Chuuya's chest, and a part of himself hates the way his voice sounds, like a scared child, but the other just longs to stay in Chuuya's arms forever. , "I'm-"
Exposed, overwhelmed, dying... All at once.
"Shshsh, I know." Chuuya strokes his hair, the cold and daze allowing Dazai to only half feel his touch, but it's enough even then, "They're dead. I killed them all," he reports, determined, determined, sounding like it's something he would do for Dazai a million times without blinking.
Maybe a statement like that, a murder, shouldn't comfort Dazai nowadays. But it does. He feels safe, vindicated in a probably twisted sense. The brunette would cling to Chuuya with his hands if only he had enough energy to move his arms (he doesn't).
Dazai opens his mouth to try to speak, but coughs instead. A familiar metallic taste fills his mouth and he can almost feel the way Chuuya twitches in worry as fresh, new blood slides from his lips down his chin. Dazai's eyes threaten to close, his eyelids are so heavy...
"Oi, hey, nothing close your eyes, mackerel," Chuuya tries to sound firm, but it's very easy for Dazai, even in his current state, to notice when Chuuya covers his panic with demands, determination or anger, "I'll do the rest of the work, just keep awake, keep breathing. Understand?"
“Chuuya…” Dazai makes a huge effort just to move his eyes and look at the redhead, his head feels like it's full of cotton and he's scared and sore and warm and things are confusing, “They made me… they... they sped it up..." he grimaces. Swallow. Hurts. "I think...I'm dying...I-" Dazai's voice broke, and a grimace of pain crossed his face. He puts a weak, trembling hand to his chest, his breathing stutters, he feels something warm and wet slide out of his nose, probably blood too. Close his eyes.
Chuuya holds his breath, struggling to stay calm. He feels his eyes burning and a fist forming in his chest. Because no, that's not happening, under no circumstances is Dazai allowed to die now. No, not after everything they've been through. Not before Chuuya.
"No, Dazai. Hey, come on, idiot." Chuuya gently pats his cheek as his eyes glaze over, resisting the urge to shake him completely out of desperation, "Osamu breathe. Open your eyes. You don't-"
Doctor Yosano arrives just then, carrying a bag of equipment while Atsushi pushes a stretcher behind her easily with his tiger-like strength. Yosano steps over the rubble to reach Dazai and Chuuya, while Atsushi stays at the entrance, so as not to force the stretcher over the rubble.
Doctor Yosano rushes to take Dazai's vital signs, checking pulse, pupillary response, breathing, and deliberately ignoring the lack of bandages on the brunette's body. Then, he lifts up Dazai's shirt, grimacing at the purple stains on different spots on Dazai's body (Chuuya grits his teeth when he sees it, holding his breath). Very seriously, Yosano begins to sculpt the brunette's abdomen in damn completly silent, which only increases Chuuya's anxiety.
Dazai groans in pain from the touches on his abdomen, barely half conscious, and presses his forehead against Chuuya's chest. At the sound, Chuuya twitches like a bristling cat around him, unable to contain the growl that escapes his throat, primitive and hostile, "Hey! Be careful with him."
"Calm down, Chuuya," Yosano tells him, without flinching. "I'm not your enemy here, remember? I want to help him as much as you do."
Yes, right, they are not the enemy, they also want to take care of Dazai. They are here to save him, just like Chuuya. His posture relaxes slightly, although he still remains protective.
"Place him on the stretcher and let's go," Yosano orders, his voice firm and professional but concerned at the edges, "He needs oxygen and warmth. He has several internal bleeds."
"No... sounds... good..." Dazai murmurs, his voice cracking and small.
Chuuya squeezes him closer to his body, if that's even possible at this point. Hearing his voice again is a relief, even if it sounds that bad. He's alive, still with me.
Dazai coughs, Chuuya can feel the wet liquid that is blood stain his shirt. Still with me.
"Chuu..."
"You're going to be okay, mackerel. Don't worry. We've got you."
Dazai doesn't respond, his body light and limp. Chuuya isn't sure if he's even still conscious.
"Is he going to make it?" Chuuya asks Yosano, laying Dazai gently on the stretcher where the doctor places an oxygen mask on him.
Yosano looks at him gravely, "Yes, but we must move quickly towards the machine. His body is failing."
"Akutagawa already started the truck," Atsushi reports, and Chuuya pretends not to see the tears on tiger boy's cheeks the same way he hopes tiger boy will pretend not to see his own.
Everything is a blur from there. Chuuya doesn't remember much except Yosano's orders that he follows as if on autopilot, dodging bodies to get out, and Dazai. The way his face twists into expressions of pain, the paleness of his body and the coldness of his hand that Chuuya refuses to let go.
Suddenly, they are in the moving van and Chuuya couldn't answer how he got there. Akutagawa is driving with Atsushi as co-pilot. Dazai's stretcher in the back, Chuuya next to him, Dazai's cold hand in his, his eyes only on Dazai. While Yosano, also in the back, moves from here to there doing things to keep Dazai alive.
In the middle of the road, Dazai seems to regain consciousness enough to look at Chuuya from the stretcher, his eyes glassy and filled with visceral panic for not knowing where he is.
"You're okay, mackerel, we're on our way to your Agency. You're going to be okay, I'm here." He says and squeezes Dazai's hand in his and almost sobs audibly when Dazai squeezes his hand lightly in response.
"I'm...scared... Chuuya" Dazai murmurs, his voice barely audible under the oxygen mask.
Chuuya's heart ached at the vulnerable way he admitted it, something Dazai would never have said under other circumstances.
"Hey, calm down, you're not going to die, Dazai, I won't allow it, okay?" Chuuya promised firmly, but Dazai shook his head, his lips trembling as he tried to speak.
Chuuya caressed Dazai's hair tenderly, trying to convey calm to him. But Dazai shook his head, and the look of terror on his face spoke of a much deeper fear.
Chuuya didn't understand. Dazai isn't talking about dying now, because at this point he doesn't think that's going to happen, not with Chuuya here (Oxygen patch and Yosano treatments have helped a little in the temporary way they are made for). Dazai talks about what's coming, the solution and what it entails. His head feels foggy and fear comes gushing out of him, and in his state, he barely realizes that revealing something like that isn't something he would normally do. He's terrified because he's just a few steps away from getting No Longer Human back (the fear will go away then, right? And so will the love. Everything will go away, everything...).
Dazai tries to explain, even though it's a losing fight from the start, "No... it's not that... Chuuya... I..."
The brunette is interrupted when he begins to cough violently. It hurts and he squeezes his eyes shut, so terribly exhausted. Beside him, Chuuya feels helpless. Dazai spits out more blood, enough that Dr. Yosano has to remove his oxygen mask so he doesn't drown in it, and Chuuya, still holding his hand, turned to Akutagawa, raising his voice urgently.
"Faster, Akutagawa, damn it!"
Please...
Chuuya lifted the stretcher with his gravity manipulation ability to the floor of the Agency building. The care, precision, and practice he had with his skill allowed Dazai, half conscious at best, to not even notice the movement.
Upon arrival, Dazai was taken straight to the infirmary, where Kunikida and Ranpo were preparing the machine for his arrival (more like Ranpo giving orders and Kunikida preparing).
"Hold on a little longer, Dazai," Chuuya asks, squeezing his hands in his after making sure to cover him at least a little so he doesn't feel so exposed without the bandages, "Be still the stubborn bastard I know."
Dazai makes a huge effort to open his eyes and look at Chuuya. The brunette feels that time is slipping through his fingers. He wants to say so many things to Chuuya, so many things that he feels and that soon...soon will no longer be there, but the feelings and words collide and his voice doesn't cooperate. Dazai opens his mouth to try to speak and then notices the rest of the Agency members out of the corner of his eye: They have gathered in a corner of the infirmary like a group of children heading for a school trip, all with worried faces, keeping a certain distance from the stretcher only because Dr. Yosano's order stops them from getting any closer.
The Tanizaki brothers are in the corner, Naomi clinging to Junichiro's shirt. Kenji stands next to them, the straw hat in his hands. Kyoka stands next to the blonde, looking at Dazai with silent intensity. Atsushi stands next to her, visibly anxious. Akutagawa is here too, Dazai notices, the boy standing in the doorway, his brow furrowed, watching away from everyone else. Kunikida and Ranpo are adjusting the machine to point at Dazai. And he can see Yosano moving back and forth.
There are so many things that he would also like to say to all of them... So many things... So many emotions (proud and worry and affection and friendship and so much)... They are so important to him and he has so many things to say to them, so many feelings that they are going to disappear and no time... But all Dazai manages is the trembling shadow of a smile before he is forced to close his eyes in pain, preventing him from seeing the way his companions return the smile or choke back a sob in response. He's barely able to feel the way Chuuya squeezes his hand or caresses his forehead, a comfort that grows more distant by the second because The next time he touches me like that there will be nothing nothing nothing nothing-
"It's ready!" Kunikida suddenly informs, referring to the machine.
Yosano nods and looks at the rest of the members gathered together, "Get out. Now. We can't activate that with everyone here. And that goes for all of you, Ranpo, Kunikida, and..." she looks at the redhead with a grimace, it's clear what which is implying.
Chuuya shakes his head instantly, defensively, "No."
"There should be no one else in the room except Dazai, who will receive the beam, and me, who will activate the machine from behind."
"I'm not leaving him alone, it's not happening"
"Chuuya. We don't know what could cause people to be around when the machine activates. There is only one attempt. Are you going to risk Dazai losing that attempt?" Yosano inquires, stern yet with a softness of understanding around the edges.
Chuuya hates that she is right. And he also hates having to leave Dazai alone in this infirmary.
"Tsk. Damn." He murmurs, looking at Dazai and feeling physical pain at the thought of having to be separated from him now, when he's this vulnerable.
It takes all of Chuuya's effort to give in, leaning down to gently caress Dazai's cheek and murmur, "I'll be right outside, mackerel. You're going to be okay." And start walking away.
And then Dazai, in an impressive display of effort in contrast to his current lack of strength and in his current state (which shouldn't be surprising considering this is the same man who built himself immune or resistant to most poisons), weakly squeezes Chuuya's wrist and holds him back. The scars on his skin peek out, visible to anyone who looks at him with the movement, but he can't find a part of him that cares about that right now, not while he uses all the strength he can to lower his mask of oxygen to be able to speak.
Chuuya gasps. Hurts. It hurts as if he were the one on the stretcher, suffering like this.
"Dazai..."
"Wait... just... a moment..." the brunette coughs once, but his determination seems unbreakable despite the pain and the metallic taste in his mouth, "Wait... I... I need..." he looks around, at all the people, his people, and there is so much...
"Keep quite, Dazai." Yosano says.
"It's going to be fine, partner." Kunikida says.
"We're here, Dazai-san." Atsushi says, his voice damp, "We're all here."
"Thanks..." Dazai murmurs, to all of them, "Thank you for...everything... You are...important..." he coughs and ends with a soft, strangled: "Goodbye..."
"Don't say goodbye, idiot." Chuuya said firmly at his side, "You're not going anywhere."
"But, Chuuya, I am..." Dazai squeezes Chuuya's hand weakly and looks him in the eyes, straight into his soul, as always.
That was the problem, right? In a way, Dazai, the Dazai he is now, was going to die now, he was leaving. Everything he had now, so full that his heart was overflowing, so painful and wonderful, all of that was going to go away right now. He was about to go back to living without emotions, to being only half a human being...
"When...When I wake up I'm not going...I'm not going to have anything...and I have so much...Chuuya..." Dazai squeezes his hand, almost pulling Chuuya towards him, "I love you, I always have... I always... I love you... And I... I'm going to wake up and that won't be there... in me... but I will always... always... my slug... only... only you..."
The tears that fell down Dazai's cheeks matched the tear that slid down Chuuya's cheek without him being able to stop it.
Chuuya, squeezing Dazai's hand, brought their foreheads together. Dazai closed his eyes at the touch, breathing heavily, but determined nonetheless. It didn't matter if everyone in the room was looking at them. When the two of them were together, wrapped up in each other in any context, it had never mattered who was watching.
"I love you too, my stupid mackerel." Chuuya kisses him on the lips, it's just a touch, soft and delicate because of Dazai's current fragility, and still trapped in a deadly cold, it was the warmth of Chuuya's kiss that made him shiver (love, love, love), "You're going to get it all back, I promise. It won't go away, we'll get it back. Trust me on that." Gently, Chuuya puts the oxygen mask back over Dazai's mouth.
Dazai closed his eyes and shuddered. He trusted Chuuya with his life yes, but... Himself? No, not even a little bit...
When Dazai didn't speak again, Yosano took control.
"We can't wait any longer. Everyone leave now." The doctor sends them away.
They all troop out, their faces distorted in varying degrees of worry. Until Chuuya is the only one left.
Yosano looks at him with a hint of sadness, “Chuuya…”
"I know, I know."
With a lot of effort and one last look, Chuuya lets go of Dazai's hand and turns his back completely. If he looks at him again, he's sure he won't be able to leave the room, so he leaves the infirmary without doing so, a tangle of chaos and conflicting emotions.
You're not leaving him, he's going to be okay, the redhead tries to repeat to himself, but anxiety eats away at his stomach from the bottom because... Is he going to be? How can Chuuya be sure? How can he make promises to Dazai when he doesn't know?
“…I love you…And I…I'm going to wake up and that won't be there…in me…”
Chuuya wants to break things until his knuckles shatter, he wants to scream and fight and smash and rip off pieces of anything. Instead, all he does is claim the spot in front of the closed infirmary door, cross his arms over his chest, lean his back against the wall and cover his eyes with his hat, staring at the door below.
Once again, all he can do is wait.
Inside the infirmary, Dazai stares at the white ceiling, foggy thoughts dancing all over his head: The Agency, Akutagawa, Ango, Odasaku... Chuuya...
"Now." Yosano reports, standing behind the machine and activating it with the button.
Dazai weakly clenches his fists…
Mori ties him to a metal table and cuts in different places and Dazai feels fear and pain.
Akutagawa's nose crunches under his fist and Dazai feels guilt and resignation. Akutagawa grows to take control of himself and Dazai feels proud.
Atsushi finds a place and his strength and Dazai feels proud too, and affection, and a desire to protect.
Kunikida states that he couldn't have asked for a better partner and Dazai feels trust, respect, affection.
Ranpo gives him a candy and plays Go with him and Dazai feels like he's not alone.
Yosano scolds him for catching a cold and Dazai feels like he matters and it scares him and makes him happy in equal measure.
The Tanizaki siblings, Kenji and Kyoka circle around him with questions and trust and Dazai cares and cares about them.
Odasaku removes the Dazai's blindfold and Dazai feels love and unbearable pain as if someone has ripped out his heart, and he feels like he is free for the first time since...ever.
Ango comes whenever he needs him and Dazai understands that broken things sometimes become mosaics of new things, because emotions can be let go.
And Chuuya... Chuuya touches him and Dazai feels an electric shock. Chuuya suffers and Dazai hurts. Chuuya becomes disappointed in him and Dazai feels like disappearing. Chuuya smiles and it's like looking at the sun. Chuuya yells at him and that's perfect because then Dazai has his full attention. Chuuya kisses him and all there is love.
All that is his. There is a whole collection of pieces that make up him, things that have always been his but that he had never been able to touch...
Dazai feels the exact moment the machine's beam envelops him. He doesn't scream, because it doesn't hurt like the machine lightning that took away his ability hurt. The reason is simple: They are not taking anything away this time, they are giving something back, and it is like when a piece is assembled in a space previously made exclusively for it.
It's coming back, the brunette can feel how little by little the hole is filled... (how ironic, it fills to empty everything).
Dazai feels a sudden heat envelop his entire body, which, working in contrast against the deadly cold, makes his skin burn. He bites his lip, but refuses to squirm, refuses to scream.
There is so much…so much…
The lightning releases him. Dazai feels his consciousness slipping away in pieces... Everything goes dark, his body collapsing from the sudden new change that has just occurred within him...
But Dazai is not scared, nor worried, nor upset...
Because there is nothing. No Longer Human sinks its fangs into his heart, as familiar as ever, and all that remains is emptiness… Absence… Nothing…
Dazai closes his eyes and loses consciousness. One last tear that he no longer feels when it is he'd slides down his pale cheek.
There
Is
Nothing
Notes:
Yes, the next chapter is the last (although I must admit that I already have some extras planned) and this fic is really about to end :o
And yes, Yosano is my goddess doctor of steel nerves who takes control in medical critical situations.
Well, what did you think of the chapter? Do you have any suggestion? Thoughts? Everything is welcome.
Since the next chapter should be the last, I only have one keyword for you and that is: Change.
See you next Saturday! <3
P.S: Dazai is fucking alive in the manga (please)
Chapter 20: “20”
Summary:
Dazai struggles against his ability and Chuuya searches for a solution in dark corners. Somehow, you both know that this was never destined to end the same way it began.
Notes:
So... The final chapter is here, yes.
It has 13,500 and is it the longest of the entire fic? Yeah.
I read it a bunch of times before publishing it? Also yeah.
I don't know how I got so much momentum, scenes just kept coming up and I had to add them hahaha I don't regret anything.
Anyway, I'll leave the rest of my babbling for the final note. Now, since it is the last chapter, I will leave you some of my essential songs to write the fic, just for fun:
*Daylight - David Kushner
*Kids Again - Artist Vs Poet
*Out of the woods - Taylor Swift
*No Complaints - Noah Kahan
*Dandelions - Ruth B.
*Cars Outside - James Arthur
*Don’t blame me - Taylor Swift (This really applies to almost any soukoku fiction)Anyway, enjoy the final chapter! c;
P.S: This chapter includes a small reference to the Stormbringer light novel.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Dazai emerged from the darkness of his unconsciousness with a gradual awareness of the familiar smells around him, and his brain immediately began working to gather every possible detail about where he was.
The pungent aroma of disinfectant mixes with the faint trace of medicines and a light touch of fresh flowers (Yosano, supplied his brain. She always places flowers in the infirmary to somewhat mask clinical odors). That told him he was still in the infirmary.
From the way the light hit his closed eyelids, Dazai easily deduced that it must have been noon, therefore he must have been unconscious for an average of twelve hours. Furthermore, the sheet covering his body was perfectly aligned, but not as if he had arranged himself during his unconsciousness. Rather, he had the feeling that someone else had carefully placed it on top of him, several times, probably as a nervous and unnecessary gesture rather than because Dazai had moved while he was unconscious and needed the gesture. It was probably the same one who put his bandages back on him.
With his eyes closed, Dazai listens, still and cautious. He's not alone in the infirmary, he can tell by the pattern of alien but familiar breathing relatively close to him. A single extra breath, that is, only one person other than him here. Chuuya, supplies his brain instantly. It's Chuuya's breathing pattern, with that slight nuance that denotes that the redhead is nervous.
Dazai's mind is clear, alert. Each thought flows with precision and clarity, one after another, collecting data and establishing connections to catch up not only with the environment, but to reconstruct the situation and its steps until reaching this moment. His memories are intact, of course: The kidnapping. Repetitive medical experiments. The rescue. Chuuya. The agency. This infirmary. The machine. The unconsciousness. He wake up here.
Yes, putting together the timeline was easy, just as easy as recognizing his surroundings, because the memories and everything around him are just that, memories and surroundings. They are not associated with anything, they are just pieces, spaces in perspective.
Dazai opens his eyes as he recognizes the familiar shape of the pit in his stomach. Ah, that.
The brunette blinks and looks at Chuuya with a stealthy movement of his eyes: The redhead has his elbows resting on the stretcher, holding his head in his hands, and has not yet noticed that Dazai is awake. He's worried, Dazai acknowledges as he looks at him, just as he feels a small flash in his chest, almost like-
No, nothing. The familiar cold of No Longer Human envelops him and Dazai can almost see the green spiral forming inside his chest and overriding anything he was about to feel.
Was it love? Maybe guilt? It probably doesn't matter, because No Longer Human gets to the feeling before he can actually feel it anyway. However, it must have been love, right? Warm and bleeding and precious... And yes, those are just characteristics of a feeling that he previously collected when he could feel them and that he can now list like facts, data that he know and between which he can establish conceptual relationships, but anything real is gone before he can reach it.
Just as he has been all his life... And the only difference is that now he knows exactly what he is missing, because he had it.
Dazai is once again in a bubble of loneliness. Trapped in a monochromatic perspective of a distant world devoid of all color and meaning.
The brunette turns his head towards the window and can feel the fight happening inside him: the flashes of echoes of emotions that arise in droves and the almost instantaneous cancellation of them. No Longer Human working, always active. His ability is struggling quite a bit now, but that doesn't offer Dazai any kind of hope. Soon, No Longer Human will have taken over the entire domain again and even echoes and flashes will be scarce, as they used to be... As, he supposes, these have always been. Simple adaptation.
"Dazai. You're awake..." Chuuya says, breaking him out of his thoughts, and Dazai, with his eyes fixed on the window, feels his hand being welcomed between Chuuya's two hands, softer than probably should be hands of a mafia executive thanks to his constant use of gloves, "Hey, how are you feeling?" His voice sounds tight at the edges, soft and relieved in the middle, and anxious in the center. And, just like in the beginning, Dazai has nothing to give him in exchange for all that.
Dazai wishes that voice could make him feel everything he knows it can make him feel... That's strange, because No Longer Human doesn't really allow him to wish for anything. That desire is probably like a phantom pain: just the memory of the emotions he had and that his brain still refers to out of inertia.
The pit in his stomach is heavy. Very much. Maybe due to lack of habit. The emptiness and the absence, his old friends, hold him on each side and squeeze.
If Dazai jumped out of the window he's looking at now, he'd surely feel something, right?
He does not do it. Instead, the brunette turns his head to the other side and looks at Chuuya. Doing so is even worse than hearing the way his voice sounded. Chuuya's blue eyes are full of emotions, and now the redhead doesn't try to hide or disguise any of them. Instead, Chuuya is just there, open to Dazai like the flow of a river that flows into the sea. And it makes sense, of course: Why would Chuuya hide his feelings for Dazai after everything they've been through in these weeks?
A spark. Guilt. No Longer Human overrides it before he can truly sense it, but he can already recognize them for what they are. That doesn't make it better... Not when Chuuya looks at him and smiles like that. What can Dazai do with that? How are he supposed to respond?
Show time.
Dazai sits on the stretcher, careful with his movements because his body feels weak and still a little unstable, placing a hand gently on his stomach, and forcing himself to pull the corners of his lips upward. It didn't used to be as difficult to fake a smile as it is now, but he manages it.
The voice that leaves his lips is as cheerful as it is hollow: "Chuuya! Were you waiting for me by my bed like a good dog?"
Dazai must surely be out of practice at the whole faking thing, because Chuuya's small smile falls the moment the brunette opens his mouth.
Dazai is awake and Chuuya knew what was going to happen when his partner woke up. He knew it. He knows the mechanics behind that cursed ability, "No Longer Human". But that didn't prepare him for the emptiness, the lack of response in Dazai's eyes. The lack of shine.
While Dazai was unconscious, Chuuya even prepared a fucking speech for what he was going to tell him when he woke up. The redhead had rehearsed every damn word, mentally rehashing each sentence several times, to tell him that it didn't matter what he felt or didn't feel now, that he would be there to show him that he hadn't lost any of those feelings, that together they would find a way to recover it. That, in the meantime (god help him because of how cheesy Dazai makes him), Chuuya will have love for both. But when he sees Dazai like this, so empty, all the carefully crafted words slip from his mind. The precarious speech fades like a fleeting dream, replaced by the stark reality of the desolation in Dazai's eyes.
Physically, Dazai is fine. He's still weak from the blood he lost and the hypothermia he suffered, but most of the damage was healed when his ability returned to him. In addition, Dr. Yosano gave him several doses of serum and medications during the twelve hours (terrible, eternal twelve hours) in which the brunette was unconscious. So Dazai is healthy and Chuuya should be relieved to have been able to save him, to have him here alive and awake with him, after coming so close to losing him, and in a way he is relieved, but... but he can't relax when... when... Damn. This is everything Dazai didn't want, right? And Chuuya has dragged him back into the empty...
Chuuya can't help but feel guilty about this, as if he's somehow responsible for Dazai having to deal with his ability again, even though he rationally knows that's not the case.
"...I love you... And I... I'm going to wake up and that won't be there... in me..."
But that is there, those feelings still exist. Chuuya knows they're there, they just have to-
Suddenly, Dazai smiles as he straightens up on the stretcher. It's a smile that Chuuya knows very well and that makes him forget what he was about to say.
"Chuuya! Were you waiting for me by my bed like a good dog?" Dazai tries to make a joke, but his voice sounds so empty and tight... And painful, like his throat is burning from forcing himself to use that tone... And how did Chuuya not realize this from the beginning? What it was like for Dazai to grovel and try to fit into a world he felt incredibly far from? It is unfair. It hurts, even.
Chuuya feels a tightness in his chest, as if someone has stolen the air from his lungs. The redhead clenches his fists under the stretcher, nails digging into the palms of his hands, feeling like hugging and punching Dazai at the same time. He does neither.
"Don't do that shit." Chuuya demands, his gaze lowered, bangs covering his eyes.
Dazai tilts his head, looking at Chuuya with fake confusion, and Chuuya's blue eyes, filled with conflicting emotions, look at Dazai intensely. The redhead wants Dazai to feel something, anything, of course he wants, but he also hates seeing him have to fake emotions he can no longer fully experience.
"Eh? But what are you saying, Slug, if I'm not done yet-" the brunette tries, all smiles. Empty empty empty.
"No, just- Don't do it. Don't pretend, not for me..." Chuuya murmurs, his voice hoarse, his worry and desperation palpable. "Not for me." He repeats, "You know that you can be yourself, that you can show me how you really feel."
Dazai's smile falls. It's like loosening the strings of an old puppet.
Dazai looks up at the ceiling, his face devoid of emotion, of reason, like when they met when they were fifteen and Chuuya decided to put his foot on the chest of a crazy suicidal boy. Empty. "Chuuya, there's nothing to show," he responds with a calm that chills his partner's heart, looking the redhead straight in the eyes, "Feel? If that's what you want, the only thing I can do is fake it to you, because there is nothing."
He says it as easily as saying that gravity is what keeps humans tethered to the earth, but Chuuya is a gravity manipulator and he knows better than to give in to the primal logic of things.
"No, it's not like that, don't resign yourself. All your feelings, everything... everything is still there. We just have to reach it, you don't-"
Dazai sighs tiredly, as if he's about to explain the theory of relativity to a five-year-old. Chuuya hates it.
"You don't know anything about No Longer Human, Chuuya." He points to the brunette obviously, his face devoid of any kind of emotion, "Do you want me not to pretend? Just be honest and stop playing games? Well, I'll be: It doesn't matter if all those feelings are still there or not, because they don't belong to me anymore and I will never have them again. No Longer Human overrides them as soon as they come. I told you it would happen, remember? There's nothing, Chuuya. No hope, no emotions. It's over." Dazai then fixes his gaze on the window (Is he thinking about jumping? Should Chuuya lock the window like he did before?).
For some reason, that ‘It's over' doesn't sound like it's just referring to feeling, it seems more definitive, like it's referring to them. No, that's not fucking happening.
"You can't give up that easily, Dazai." Chuuya's voice was filled with determination, his eyes burning with a ferocious intensity. "You're acting like this is the only option, like there's no hope. But that's bullshit, and you know it."
"I don't act, I know that. This has been my life forever, Chuuya, I know how it works. Happiness and any other emotion that can give me any meaning are too far away for me to have. I am destined to lose everything I don't want to lose, and it happened again." His gaze darkens, "The sooner you accept it, the better."
No, it can't be that simple. It won't be that simple. That can't be all. Dazai deserves more, Chuuya promised him that-
"Bullshit!" Chuuya hits the metal edge of the stretcher, but doesn't dent it. It takes him considerable effort for his next words to not be yells, "You're not just that damn ability, idiot. And I know you better than anyone, you're not empty!"
Dazai turned his head towards him, his eyes now showing a flash of emotion, something close to frustration. It faded almost instantly, but it was there, Chuuya saw it. "Chuuya, stop it. No Longer Human is absolute. It takes over everything. There is no room for hope. Or for anything."
There's no room for you, that's what he doesn't say, but it's implied in the air anyway.
Chuuya leaned even closer to Dazai, his blue eyes boring into his partner's. "So what? Are you going to let that damn ability drag you away without a fight?"
"I can't feel, Chuuya. I can't feel anything. What's the point of fighting for something I can't get back?" Dazai's expression became even more grim, "I see you and there is nothing."
That was a low blow, Chuuya barely finds the strength not to flinch as if the brunette had dealt him a physical blow. In order not to explode, the redhead forces himself to remember that this is what Dazai does when he's cornered and he doesn't want to show how much not having a plan destabilizes him. This is what Dazai does to make people go on without him without feeling guilty about doing so, he pushes them with his sharp tongue.
"That's a lie," Chuuya said in a firm voice, his gaze fixed on Dazai. "You can't convince me that you're just an ability. You're my partner." The last word left his lips with a mix of frustration and sadness, "I don't care if No Longer Human takes your emotions now, I know they're still there! I am here, Dazai. And I will fight for you, even if you have to fight against yourself. I will not abandon you."
"Then you are a fool, Chuuya. A gullible fool who continues to believe in an impossible ideal."
"And you're an idiot if you think I'm going to give up so easily," Chuuya replied determinedly, "If you keep talking like that, I swear I'm going to hit you back to sanity. I promised you we'll fix it, and I plan to fulfill that."
"I wish you'd hit me." Dazai says, raw and unlayered, and it leaves Chuuya breathless for a moment, "You can't fix it, Chuuya. You can't fix me because I'm not broken, I'm me." He says, and there's another glint in his eyes that goes away very quickly, overridden by No Longer Human, "Okay, here and now I released you from your promise. It was pointless to begin with, because you can't do anything, you dumb dog." No one can. That's all."
"What do you want, Dazai? For me to leave? For me to leave you alone in this shit? Well, I'm not going to do it. I'm not that easy to get rid of, idiot."
"You should leave, Chuuya. If you stay because of what you think I still feel, you're a poor pathetic idiot. Then again, you always have been, right? A dog who gets off the leash but stupidly tries to get back to his master anyway."
"Shut the fuck up! You stupid mackerel, stop talking nonsense. I know you damn well, I won't fall for your pathetic attempts to push me away, no-"
"I don't love you." Dazai says, cutting Chuuya off mid-sentence, all blank and serious, no doubt, "You mean nothing to me. So leave."
Dazai's words, so sharp and definitive, stab into Chuuya's heart like sharp daggers. He didn't see it coming. It's like someone has tightened a tourniquet on his chest, leaving him breathless. The room seems to darken around him. The coldness in Dazai's words, the way he said them without hesitation, hits him like a punch to the gut.
"You lie."
"No, i do not do it." Dazai responds with a coldness that is even more hurtful than any insult. "What we had before, that's gone. I can't feel anymore, I can't love anymore. You're wasting your time, Chuuya."
"No. Don't do that, don't you dare-"
"To what?" Dazai says, feigning boredom, "To tell the truth? This is all you'll have with me now, Chuuya. Nothing. Why do you want to stay tied to something that no longer exists?"
"No, I'm not going to listen to you say you don't love me, Dazai," Chuuya says firmly, standing up, his gaze locked with his partner's. "No matter what you say now, what you do, I love you, you fucking bastard. And I saw the look on you before, you love me. Stop trying to push me, I've put up with your shit long enough for you to get me out now."
But it hurts. Dazai's words hurt.
"What you feel doesn't change reality," Dazai responds, his tone impassive. "The emotions are gone, and they're not coming back. It's as simple as that."
"There's nothing simple about it." Chuuya feels a lump in his throat, like he's on the edge of a dark, bottomless abyss, "So that's it? Are you going to throw everything we have in the trash because you can't feel it right now? You're a coward, Dazai, a damn coward."
"I am what I am Chuuya. What I have always been. Nothing."
"No, you're something. You're my damn something. If you have to be an idiot, I'll be the idiot that stands by your side. You can try to push me away, but I'm not going to abandon you. You can't take away what I feel."
Dazai remains silent, his expression impassive, and then says, as if asking a small child about a decision that makes no sense or convenience, waiting for him to realize it on his own: "You're a idiot, Chuuya. Do you really want to stay with someone who isn't human? What do you expect to get out of that?"
"You are human!"
"How would you know what it is to be human?"
When Dazai wants to attack, he attacks hard. That's for sure.
Chuuya pulls away, tears of frustration in his eyes, and stands up straight again. It takes him a moment to find the words again, but he does.
"Because you taught me that I am, you bastard. And you are too," the redhead responds softly, "So I'm going. I'm not going to let you keep trying to hurt me in this stupid way. I'm going to find a way to help you, even if you're the biggest idiot in the world, and I'm coming back for you. Like always. And then, after we've settled it, I'm going to kick you for this shit."
The room seems emptier than ever, and Chuuya feels overwhelmed by the helplessness of the situation. But he can't stay here and continue witnessing Dazai sink into his own darkness, he's not going to stay and let Dazai keep throwing darts that he knows are going to hurt him, so he does what he said, turns around and walks towards the door.
"You will not do it." Dazai shakes his head emphatically, and Chuuya stops dead halfway between the stretcher and the door, without turning around, "Here is my prediction for you, Chuuya. You will not come back for me. I have nothing for you, no hate, no love, no appreciation. Nothing. And you're going to get out of here and you're going to realize that. You're going to realize that it's over and that all I can do is take things from you. You won't come back, because you have nothing to go back to."
Chuuya grits his teeth furiously, his bangs covering his eyes, and turns to Dazai with fire in his eyes. Dazai's face remains expressionless, his eyes fixed on Chuuya, implacable, and although the brunette doesn't feel it, the redhead can read the tiredness in his posture.
Chuuya advances towards Dazai with his fists clenched in anger, until he is inches from the man sitting on the stretcher. Dazai holds his gaze, empty in contrast to Chuuya's overflowing eyes.
"Go ahead, Chuu-ya, hit me. We both know I earned it."
The redhead raises his fist high and...
And then Chuuya takes his hat off his head and gently places it on Dazai's head. The depth of meaning behind that small, simple action weighs between them for a moment that seems to have been suspended in time. The redhead sees the fleeting flash in the brunette's eyes. Damn the bastard, there he is, and Chuuya is going to get it back.
Dazai's expression is stunned and incomprehensible, as always when something escapes his predictions and occurs without him having previously calculated or considered it. Dazai doesn't say anything, but his eyes, despite their apparent coldness, reveal a spark of recognition. He knows what Chuuya is doing, even if he can't fully feel it.
The meaning of the action is clear: The hat rests on Dazai's head as a symbol of safety, a tangible reminder that Chuuya will return. It is insurance, an unspoken but understood promise. It's a compromise. There's no way Chuuya won't come back for this hat, and there's no way Chuuya won't come back for Dazai.
The image of Dazai wearing Chuuya's hat is strange and at the same time moving, almost unreal in the way the hat, which rests with a kind of imposing casualness on his head, contrasts with the rest of his usual appearance. His usually messy brown hair is partially hidden under the brim of his hat, and the black contrasts against his skin like a dark spot in the middle of a gray canvas. However, although the hat seems out of place, it also seems to fit in a strange and harmonious way. It fits together, as if two halves of a whole were momentarily united. Watching him tugs at Chuuya's chest, a mix of pain, anger, pride, and deep sense of belonging.
The silence in the room is thick between them and the hat on Dazai's head is as light as it is heavy like a steel anvil.
Finally, Chuuya breaks that silence, "I'm going back, Osamu," Chuuya says in a firm, yet surprisingly soft voice. And he uses Dazai's first name like rarely, like whenever he wants to get to him, to bring him back. And this time, Dazai doesn't question his words, because he can't. The hat on his head in no way allows him even the possibility of questioning Chuuya's future return. So the brunette doesn't say anything at all, it just stays there, all empty and echoes that No Longer Human catches like a cat catching moths.
Chuuya closes the infirmary door behind him with a thud, leaving Dazai with his hat on his head and the implicit promise of his return, his eyes burning with determination and his jaw set. As he walks down the hallway, he furiously wipes some tears from his eyes with his fist, a mix of anger and sadness in his eyes. Dazai can be very hurtful when he has a target, and just as Chuuya can hit, the brunette uses his words. And it hurt, the redhead isn't going to deny it, but no matter how much of an idiot Dazai may be right now, no matter how hurtful he may be, Chuuya is willing to fight for what they have. He has lost too many things in his life, too many people, and he is not going to allow Dazai to be one more on that list. No, he's not going to lose fucking Dazai with him right in front of him, there's no way he's going to let him go that easily.
The door to the infirmary is left behind, but his determination shines like a flame in the darkness, a silent promise that he will come back for Dazai, no matter what his partner says or does.
"When...When I wake up I'm not... I'm not going to have anything... and I have so much... Chuuya..." Dazai squeezes his hand, almost pulling Chuuya towards him, "I love you, I always have." ...I always have...I love you...And I...I'm going to wake up and that won't be there...in me...but I will always...always...my slug…only...only you..."
Yes, that was Dazai, those are Dazai's words that Chuuya is going to cling to, not the poisonous darts that the brunette just threw at him and that Chuuya knows Dazai wasn't even really feeling while saying them (advantages of know about No Longer Human).
Chuuya is going to fix it... Even if he has to meet to talk to the devil to get it.
On the other side of the hallway where Chuuya walks away without looking back, going unnoticed, are Atsushi, Kyoka, Yosano and Kunikida. The latter two appeared to take the first two away for eavesdropping behind the infirmary door, but they heard Chuuya's yells and obviously had to stay and listen, worried for the safety of their co-worker, their friend. But honestly, now they're pretty sorry they did it. That conversation was not for them.
"No one will enter the infirmary for now." Dr. Yosano says, being the first to break the silence, "It's obvious that Dazai needs his space. I'll check on him in an hour, before that, he has the right to be alone."
The others nod without discussion and Yosano goes to the offices, leaving Kunikida, Atsushi and Kyoka in the middle of the hallway.
"You heard Yosano-sensei." Kunikida says, a hand on each of their shoulders, "For now, we just have to get back to work."
"Kunikida-san..." Atsushi says, his eyes fixed on the infirmary door behind which his mentor stands, "Do you think Dazai really will be okay?"
Kunikida doesn't answer right away, because there is no answer to that question. If Dazai is not certain about it, much less the rest of them. However, Kunikida is confident in his companion's ability to grow like a weed no matter how many times he is pruned or pieces of its roots are torn off.
Also, Chuuya Nakahara, the mafia executive, didn't give up on Dazai, neither will they. Maybe they don't know as much about Dazai as Nakahara or understand him the way he does, but Dazai, as they said before, is their friend, and he's part of the Agency, theirs.
"It's going to be fine. We'll make sure of that, right?" Kunikida pats him on the back and the moment passes. In the end, the day isn't going to stop for them and they have a lot to catch up on now that Dazai isn't in mortal danger, "Now, to the offices. The work isn't going to get done by itself."
Atsushi takes one last look at the closed door and nods. Kyoka walks behind him in contemplative silence.
"Yes, Kunikida-san."
Dazai watches silently as Chuuya walks away, his face emotionless. The redhead leaves the infirmary with fierce determination, leaving Dazai alone in that cold, sterile space. No Longer Human continues to cling to him like a shadow, enveloping his heart and soul in its icy embrace.
The brunette is trapped in his own world of emptiness, feeling the absence of emotions like a weight on his chest. And there is the hat. The hat. Dazai is hyperaware of Chuuya's hat resting on his head, and even more importantly, he is hyperaware of the importance of that hat to Chuuya. His eyes land on the closed door and, just for a fleeting moment, he feels the urge to call Chuuya, to tell him to come back, to not leave him alone in this endless abyss.
But something else inside him prevents himself. The feeling of emptiness is almost overwhelming (if the lack of things is capable of overwhelming as much as the overflow of things is), and although Dazai longs (Does he do it? Or is it an echo? How much of everything what little he reaches now are emotions and how much is just memories?) the heat of Chuuya's emotions and love, he knows what could happen if he continues to cling to that which no longer exists: simply more misery, more depth to the infinite void.
He knows what will happen too if Chuuya continues with this silly idea of fixing No Longer Human. Dazai knows he said hurtful things to him, because that was the calculated purpose of saying them, to hurt him so he would leave. Dazai knows exactly where to press and where to pull to break. That's how it's always been, Dazai keeps Chuuya at arm's length when he notices Chuuya starting to get too comfortable with him, because somehow Dazai knows that just like he wasn't worthy of Odasaku, he's not worthy of Chuuya.
The primary error of this strategy lies, unfortunately, in the reciprocity of his relationship with Chuuya. Dazai has shown Chuuya as much as Chuuya has shown Dazai. And Chuuya, who is actually smart and incredibly insightful, has picked up a lot of things from Dazai that the brunette has never told him and even some things that he has actively tried to hide from him.
The truth is, in the end Chuuya can see through him quite well, especially after they spent the two weeks together where Dazai had full access to his emotions, and even better than Dazai anticipated.
Dazai didn't throw verbal knives at Chuuya to make him leave, he threw knives at him to make it easy for him to leave, specific provocations to make him understand (the sooner he understood the better) that Dazai has only misery awaiting him until he can finally make his way to a sweet and peaceful suicide, and that is also all that will await Chuuya if he stays. Facts. But Chuuya, although wounded, did not attack. Well, he did, but not in the way Dazai anticipated.
Chuuya put his hat on Dazai's head and for the first time, Dazai lost.
Could he have won if he had kept lashing out, crueler and crueler in crescendo? Yes, he would have done it for sure, but a part of him, a small, deluded part, is still clinging to the memories, and whether he feels it or not, Dazai knows that he cares for Chuuya deeply. Chuuya has been important to him, even on a purely mental level, from the moment the redhead threw him against a pile of rubble and put his foot on his chest and made something inside Dazai, something small and fleeting, explode for the first time in forever.
And Dazai, as noble as he pretends to be, is also selfish enough to not be able to sever that bond, one of the things that made him feel human even when he was sure he wasn't. He should, but he can't.
Dazai stands up from the stretcher, the hat on his head playing a decidedly anticlimactic role, and sits on the floor in the corner farthest from the infirmary door, hugging his legs to his chest as his ability and his memories actively fight. inside the immense emptiness of his chest. Empty... Just like the first time he threw himself into a river looking to feel something.
The brunette stays there, in the corner of the infirmary, his gaze lost in space, trapped in an eternal emotional winter, handling the change much worse than what he told Chuuya.
The feeling, or to be precise, the lack of emotion is familiar, yes, but now that Dazai knows the other side of this, it is objectively difficult for him to reintegrate the certainty that he is destined to have nothing.
And, making his mind's job even harder, there's Chuuya's hat on his head, cruelly reminding him that, in reality, he still has something.
Only he can't touch it anymore.
There is an implicit demotivation in losing something that you, in fact, had. All Dazai can observe now is what he doesn't have. Atsushi hugs him tightly when he sees him conscious and says "Dazai-san!" with that genuine voice of his, and Dazai remembers what a hug felt like, but the feeling escapes him, and not feeling when you remember what it felt like is incredibly harder than just not feeling.
Knowing that he really cares about everyone in the Agency, but not being able to connect with them... Dazai is just having trouble fitting all of that back together and reminding his mind that the time he had emotions was an exception and not the rule.
Of course, no one at the Agency knows anything about their internal debate. Dazai has successfully dodged all of his attempts to bring up the topic of his loss of emotions (and Chuuya's absence. That was Yosano. Dazai barely dodged that one, and only because the doctor decided to be lenient with him, he knows it well). It's easy to dance around them. It's not so easy, however, to resume his role as a carefree slacker, not when all his co-workers now know that it is, in fact, just an act, not when there is little real in his smiles, much less in his carefree jokes for which he force himself to pull up the corners of his lips.
Honestly, faking becomes a little pointless when everyone knows you're faking, but he can't just give up on that, on his role, because if he does, what's left for him? What would be his place in the Agency then? Or in the world? Will he even have any? How could he then continue to fulfill his promise to Odasaku?
It's only been five days since he regained his ability, so it's natural that he's a little rusty on the matter of masking his void. Dazai just needs to get back into the swing of things, that's all. His coworkers will get used to it (and so will he), eventually.
And then there's the matter of Chuuya, of course, who hangs over Dazai like a constant shadow. He hasn't seen the redhead in these five days since their conversation in the infirmary, and although a part of him is inclined to think that he won't come back, his rational mind knows that that's not a possibility, Chuuya is going to come back. That is a fact. The proof of that, Chuuya's hat, carefully treated as the disconcertingly valuable object that it is, rests in Dazai's locker at the agency, a tangible reminder of the implicit promise his partner made before he left.
Dazai needs to stop thinking for a minute, so he gets up from the couch and lunges towards Kunikida's desk.
"Kunikida-kun!" He begins in his peculiarly lilting voice (fake fake fake), "did you ever consider writing a manual on how to be an efficient agent? Sure, it would be a bestseller among insomniacs."
Kunikida looks up from his own mountain of papers, his eyebrows furrowed in a mix of annoyance and resignation, "Dazai, please, we're trying to work here."
Dazai shrugs nonchalantly, but inside, a voice that would have once been ironic whispers to him how pathetic he sounds. Not feeling the real irritation in Kunikida's tone of voice is a failure, "Oh, Kunikida-kun, always so focused. You should learn to relax a little, it would help you live longer."
"Shut up and work, Dazai." Kunikida tries, but it's a weak backhand at best. The brunette can easily see the worry in his eyes, and that's another failure.
Although Dazai is trying to behave like before, something in him has changed, and everyone in the Agency feels it. The energy in the room is different, more subdued, distant.
In another corner of the office, Atsushi tries to concentrate on his own work while watching the interaction between Dazai and Kunikida. His eyes reflect a mix of confusion and concern. Dazai notices it easily even without looking at the boy, and obviously he has to fix it.
"Atsushi-kun, do you need help with your paperwork? I'm sure I can provide you with some highly effective procrastination tips."
Atsushi looks worried and confused, and a very small smile appears on his face. "Dazai-san, are you sure you're okay?" he asks carefully.
"Of course, Atsushi-kun. I'm the same as always!" Dazai responds with a forced smile, but he can't help but notice that his voice sounds a little empty despite his attempts to fake it.
Atsushi doesn't believe him, it's obvious from the way he looks at him. The boy has become very sharp these days, quite the detective, but Dazai should still be able to fool him pretty well. Logically. Why then isn't he getting it?
"Dazai-san..."
"Oh, but look what time it is! My time for a nap in the lockers!" Dazai winks at Atsushi (fake, fake, fake), "If you need me, I'll be working on the delicate art of sleeping."
You don't even feel sleepy. You've barely slept these days. When did you last eat? Everything tastes like mud again. His own mind bombards him as Dazai runs away.
Kunikida doesn't even yell at him to stop being lazy and run away from his job, like he should have.
Dazai notices the way his coworkers look at him when they think he doesn't notice, those looks full of unnecessary compassion that make him even more distant from everything human. That's how they're looking at him now, while he escapes from the offices.
Hyper-aware of Chuuya's hat in his locker, Dazai continues to fail.
Dazai, with Chuuya's hat in his hands, stands in the Agency's locker area, staring at the hat as if hoping to find answers in its fabric. He's trying to feel something, anything, but his insides are still a desolate void. He feels trapped in his own mind, a mind that now seems beyond his control.
He feels the footsteps approaching, of course, and knows it's Ranpo by the way he skips every couple of steps and chews a hard candy in his mouth (an action that Fukuzawa tends to scold him for). However, the brunette remains with his eyes fixed on the hat. He could fake a smile, but it wouldn't be in character, and if Kunikida and Atsushi can see through him, trying it on Ranpo would practically be insulting the man. So Dazai doesn't do it.
Ranpo sits next to him on the long metal bench between the lockers, offering his sweets as if nothing was out of place. "Do you need some candy to cheer you up, Dazai?" He says nonchalantly.
Dazai refrains from pointing out that the word cheer up is neither correct nor applicable to his case, because to cheer up he would first have to feel discouraged, and he doesn't feel anything.
Dazai mechanically picks up a candy and unwraps it, even though he knows he can't really taste it. When he puts it in his mouth, it's just like chewing paper, "I don't think candy can solve my problem, Ranpo." The brunette points out.
Ranpo gives him a curious look before saying, "Well, that depends on what your problem is, right?"
Dazai stands up and puts Chuuya's hat back in his locker, which has been completely empty since he joined the Agency, because he's never had anything valuable to keep there.
"Mr. Fancy Hat left you a really valuable thing there, didn't he?" Ranpo points his paddle at the now closed locker as Dazai sits back down in the same spot, next to him.
"He did." Dazai nods, mostly expressionless, although an echo arises in his chest as he thinks about Chuuya's gesture. No Longer Human overrules him just a moment later, "He's a pretty stubborn dog. He hasn't learned yet that there are fights he can't win."
Ranpo laughs, "Stubborn, huh? In that case, you two really must be each other." The detective points out in a mocking tone.
"I do not know what you mean." Dazai points out, throwing his head back and looking at the ceiling of the room.
"You know that well. But since I'm so kind and forgiving, I'll let you pass for now in favor of something much more important."
At those words, Dazai straightens up and looks at the older detective. When Ranpo has something to say, you better pay attention.
"I'm listening," Dazai says, nodding carefully. He has already deduced that Ranpo is going to tell him about No Longer Human and Ranpo already knows that he knows. That's the good thing about having a conversation with the older detective, no time is wasted on unnecessary words.
"I have a theory. Well, actually it's a certainty, but Poe-kun has suggested that I practice humility from time to time, so we'll call it theory for now." Ranpo smiles enigmatically, "Since all of us ability users can turn our abilities on and off at will, it's safe to say that the reason your ability always stays active is not, in fact, natural."
"I don't want to interrupt there, but my ability has been like this since I was born."
"Silly Dazai, quiet, the adult is talking. I'll get to that." Ranpo scolds him like a child. Honestly Dazai sometimes forgets that Ranpo is four years older than him, "You see, all ability users have a way to disable this one, and over time, that way has become so natural to them that they don't think about it consciously at the time of deactivating or activating its ability, but it was, in fact, a conscious action at the beginning. I have cleverly named it Anchor. The problem is that, since you had never lived with your ability deactivated, you had no reference or anchor. Ability users develop them over time and, by the absolute nature of your ability, you did not."
"Are you saying that I could have disabled my ability all this time if I had tried harder? I'm sorry, Ranpo, but I don't think I agree with you this time."
"No, that's not what I'm saying, you fool. Listen. You had this problem and then you met our hated resident mafia boss, and Morimafiaidiot-san noticed the same thing I did and conditioned you so that your ability would always remain active, like a kind of insurance." Ranpo stands up and points his finger at him, as if he were in the middle of a lively lecture.
Dazai has to give in to that, because he himself has considered it on several occasions. The brunette knows well that Mori conditioned him with some things, it has taken him a lot to discover and get rid of some of those mental conditioning, so it makes sense. However, that only reaffirms the certainty that No Longer Human cannot be deactivated...
Ranpo, who seems to have guessed his thoughts easily, continues, "Now, without an anchor, there didn't seem to be any chance for you to deactivate your ability, right? But during these weeks that you were exposed to emotions, you created memories, you learned, and we both know the power of muscle memory and memory by association. For the first time your brain and your body know what it's like to be without your ability. Now, you have an anchor."
Dazai frowns, "An anchor, you say?"
It's not that he doesn't understand what the older detective means, it's just that the idea doesn't fit with the way of life he was supposed to have until he died. It's like a terminal cancer patient who is suddenly told there is a cure, but that patient had already accepted death and the idea of life just... becomes inconceivable.
Ranpo smiles again and nods enthusiastically, "Exactly. Now that you've felt emotions and have memories of them, you might have an anchor. Think of it as pulling on a loose thread to undo a knot. You might be able to pull those memories and emotions to turn off your ability."
Dazai remains reticent, looking at Ranpo as his mind races to find any flaws or loopholes in the older detective's theory, "It's an interesting idea, Ranpo. But how could I do it? How could I use those memories to shut down Not Longer Human?"
Ranpo shrugs, as if this were all a game, "That's something you'll have to discover for yourself, Dazai. I'm just the absolute genius who solves the riddle, the others are the executors." He smiles, all teeth and pride, "Well, you know that if you want more candy or a game of Go, I'm in the offices. Happy to educate you!"
Ranpo skips down the hallway and Dazai sighs and stands up, alone between the lockers again.
He needs to take a walk.
Chuuya thought that the next time he set foot in this office it would be to kill the man who owned it. Unfortunately, he can't do that. Not yet, at least.
Even if Dazai hadn't reminded him multiple times of all the reasons why killing Mori Ougai isn't feasible, Chuuya knows it's not an option, not without a plan, a strategy, and a willingness to face a internal war and the consequences that wich would mean not only for each member of the mafia, but also for all of Yokohama. He is an executive, he knows the hierarchy and politics of the mafia better than many, and he knows that Yokohama is not prepared at this moment for the mafia to enter into internal conflict over the murder of its boss and the empty place that would be left afterwards. He also knows that if he kills Mori, he would have to take his place, and Chuuya can't- he's not going to chain himself to that.
So, he's not here, in Mori's office, to kill him, and from the bastard's relaxed posture, Mori knows it perfectly well.
When Chuuya said that he would meet even with the devil to find a solution, it turned out that that ended up being literal. It's been five days since he left Dazai with his hat in the infirmary and Chuuya is no closer to a solution than he was then. That's why he's here now, even though the last thing he wants to do is talk about Dazai with the person who tortured him and broke irreparable parts of him when the brunette was a kid. Even though he knows that just standing here and now provides Mori with information, not only about him, but about Dazai, information that under no circumstances should the mafia boss be entitled to.
Because no one knows as much (or even anything at all) about Dazai's ability as the person he raised in the mafia. If anyone knows or has at least a theory on how to turn off No Longer Human, it should be this man.
The main problem with this strategy is that Mori Ougai, under no circumstances, is going to give you that information for free.
"Chuuya-kun, how strange that you flatter me with the honor of your presence." Mori smiles (that shit is anything but a real smile), resting his chin delicately on his gloved hands, almost as if he's enjoying this unexpected visit.
Chuuya hates that a part of him still feels the urge to kneel before this man.
"We have matters to discuss." Chuuya says dryly, without kneeling.
Mori's smile widens. Elise is a ghostly presence around him, humming a song while coloring.
"Of course you do. You've put your executive duties aside these days, Chuuya-kun."
"I made my position on you clear last time, boss."
"And yet, here you are, before me." Mori's eyes darken over his smile, "I heard Dazai-kun got his ability back. Has he finally kicked you away from him like the dog he thinks you are? Don't take it personally, Dazai-kun never keeps his toys too long time. Of course, the mafia is still your home, and I am willing to forgive your insolence for-"
"No." Chuuya growls and one of Mori's bookshelves sinks to the ground under the weight of gravity. Mori doesn't flinch or change his gesture or posture, but the redhead notices that he tenses slightly. Well, let him remember what Chuuya can do, "Don't talk about Dazai as if you know him, you have no right. And you don't know anything about him."
"Oh, but you're always so charming, Chuuya-kun. You say things with such passion." Mori laughs softly, a sound that grates on Chuuya's nerves, "However, isn't that why you came here? Because I know Dazai-kun much better than you? Or are you here to get revenge for what you think I did to him?"
Chuuya clenches his fists hidden behind his back at that. Bastard. But he does not take the bait or respond to the provocation.
"No Dazai, his ability." The redhead corrects him with teeth clenched in suppressed anger, reminding himself that he needs to stay calm to get what he wants, "I need information about Dazai's ability."
Mori's smile widens, and Chuuya feels like he's in the middle of a dangerous game, but he can't back down now, "Ah, Dazai-kun's ability. An interesting topic, for sure. Why would I give you information about that?"
"Because you're the only one who knows enough about his ability to have any idea how to turn it off."
Mori pretends to consider it, tilting his head slightly, as if he's not inwardly savoring everything he can get from this exchange, the bastard.
"Very well, then. I have valuable information about Dazai-kun's ability. But what do I get in return, Chuuya-kun? You know well that all information has a price."
Chuuya grits his teeth even harder. Mori is playing with him, and he knows it. But he has no choice, he will do whatever it takes to help Dazai, "What do you want?"
"I don't suppose I can hope to have your blind loyalty again?" The mafia boss smiles with feigned innocence.
"We both know you can think of better than that, boss."
Mori sighs in false disappointment and then regains his dangerous smile, his gaze fixed on Chuuya as if he were evaluating his options. "Very well, Chuuya-kun, let's make a deal. I will give you all the information you need, but in exchange, I want a favor. One that I can claim at a time of my choosing and that you will not be able to refuse. Do you agree with that?"
Shit.
Chuuya is caught between a rock and a hard place. Mori Ougai is a master of devious deals, and Chuuya knows that agreeing to whatever the mafia leader wants will be dangerous. But he also knows that he has no choice if he wants to have at least a chance to save Dazai.
Damn, why can things never be simple? He can't help but think of everything that could go wrong with a deal like that. Mori could ask him for anything in the future, something that goes against his principles, against his people, or even his own safety. But he also knows that if he refuses, he will return to square one, and Dazai will remain trapped in that desolate state, without emotions, without humanity.
The dilemma is destroying him inside. He can't give in to Mori without knowing exactly what he's committing to, but he also can't afford to miss this opportunity to get the information he needs to help Dazai. And if he doesn't accept, Mori won't give him anything.
Finally, with a lump in his throat, Chuuya nods, "Okay, deal. But I need the information first. So now, tell me everything you know about Dazai's ability."
Mori smirks, as if he's always known Chuuya would accept. "Very well, Chuuya-kun. You will have the information you need. But keep in mind that our deal will be in effect from now on. Don't forget your promise."
Chuuya can't help but feel like he's made a deal with the devil, but it's too late to back out. He nods, sits in the chair and listens.
Dazai was in the cemetery, in front of Odasaku's grave. Again. That shouldn't be a surprise, this is where he always come back to when he've found himself overtaken or lost in some way.
The place was quiet, only the soft whisper of the wind breaking the silence. Dazai sat on the ground, leaning on the tombstone, as if seeking his friend's closeness could bring him some answer. He closed his eyes and tried to feel, but all he experienced was a dark emptiness, the complete absence of emotions. Odasaku was someone he had cared for deeply, someone whose loss had affected him in unimaginable ways. If there was an emotional event that could serve as an anchor, it had to be this one, right? Because it was one of the greatest pains I had ever experienced.
His forehead touched the cold stone tombstone, as if searching for a connection, a trace of what once was.
Are you there, Odasaku? You see me now?
The emotion came over him like a wave, reinforced by the memory of what he had felt when he stood here crying in the rain a week ago: Pain. Sadness. Loss. Dazai grits his teeth and his hands shake, and then his whole body relaxes as No Longer Human nullifies all those things and leaves him with nothing again. Just echoes. As usual.
Dazai separates his forehead from the tombstone (Empty Empty Empty) and lies down on the grass with a single exhale.
It will not work. Nothing will change. It is a fact.
What had he done to deserve this curse? Why did all his emotions slip away like water through his fingers? Was he really that unworthy of being a human?
The small hope of some spark of emotion was slowly fading. No Longer Human was relentless, like an insurmountable wall. And even though I was here, in this place that should be so meaningful, I had nothing.
Well, after all, even Ranpo could make mistakes, right?
Dazai stood there, silent, as if waiting for something, anything, to change. But as time passed, the sadness and loneliness he should feel remained unattainable.
Chuuya stands up from his chair, feeling uncomfortable under Mori Ougai's piercing gaze. The information he had obtained was valuable, but the price he had paid, committing his future to a favor for the mafia boss, weighed on him with the anticipation of a future catastrophe.
Without saying anything else, Chuuya headed towards the door, but Mori's voice hit him in the middle with precision.
"You can't be dancing on the line forever, Chuuya-kun. It's not sustainable and you know it. Eventually, you'll have to make a final decision." Mori hummed, "I ask myself, what will our most powerful executive choose?"
Chuuya grits his teeth, but doesn't respond and walks out of the office, leaving behind with a single slam of the door the boss he once genuinely admired.
As he walks through the hallways, the redhead thinks that the most irritating thing about all of this is that Mori is right. Chuuya knows he can't be teetering on the line forever, in a back-and-forth where he doesn't belong anywhere completely. The redhead feels like he's stuck in limbo. And, what was worse, he is not even clear about what his future will be from here. The line he's dancing on was getting tighter and tighter, and he can't let it catch him completely... However, he can't make a decision like that now, not yet. He's just not ready to do it.
At least, the things Mori told him were useful and Chuuya has a plan and he can-
"You show up for work and don't stop by to say hello, Chuuya?"
Kouyou. Chuuya feels a momentary shiver of guilt for not responding to her messages or stopping by to visit her sooner.
"I'm sorry, Ane-san." Chuuya apologized sincerely. "There's been a lot that's happened lately."
Kouyou nodded understandingly and then gestured for him to accompany her to the tea room. "So, tell me everything over a cup of tea."
"I will," Chuuya promises, "I just can't right now."
"Does it have anything to do with Dazai?" Kouyou passively questions. People should not mistake her apparent passivity for lack of cunning. Never, "Has the boy gotten you into trouble?"
Chuuya nodded with a regretful look. "Yes, it has to do with Dazai. I wouldn't say he's exactly gotten me into trouble, but his situation is complicated. I need to help him."
Kouyou sighs, "He's always been adept at complicating things, that naughty boy."
Chuuya is sure that there are an incredibly small number of people, if not anyone, who would use the word Naughty to refer to Dazai, but he doesn't point it out to the woman.
"You know him well." Chuuya replied with a half smile, "But it's not his fault this time."
"Listen, boy, I won't say I approve of your romantic choices, but you two have always had a relationship too deep for anyone to understand its complexity" Of course, of course Kouyou already knows this. Probably first than Chuuya, even, "So I understand."
"Ane-san..." Chuuya looks at her surprised, smiling softly.
"Just be careful. With Dazai-kun, things are never as simple as they seem."
Chuuya knows that, objectively. However, he believes that, in this case, he already knows everything he needs to proceed. He's sure he's never understood Dazai as well and as deeply as he does now. Still, it's normal that this is Kouyou's concern, who doesn't know what Chuuya knows, so he doesn't correct her.
"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Ane-san," the redhead bows to his older sister, "I must go."
"Of course." Kouyou smiles at him, looking at him with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Be sure to tell me if you're planning anything new, okay, boy?"
Chuuya looks at her in surprise: "Ane-san?"
Does she also know about his dilemma? How she could?
"Yes. So I can send you a new job gift," she said with a soft smile, and then her voice took on a low, dangerous tone as she added, "Or to help you with a new position here."
Yes, she knows it. And in that last line, she's offering her full loyalty to him in a way that feels overwhelming in the way it pleasantly warms Chuuya's chest: She will support him whether he decides to leave or ultimately commit murder.
Chuuya smiles at Kouyou, "I will." He promised.
And, even though he was leaving the Port Mafia headquarters with the weight of his deal with Mori and the information he now had about Dazai's ability, when he crossed the threshold of the exit door, Chuuya felt a little more hopeful.
It's been a week now since he regained his ability, and Dazai is standing on the ledge of the Agency building. The brunette has been standing on the edge of building roofs several times in recent days (and that's considering he used to prefer bridges). However, this time, he is not thinking about jumping. Suicide is incredibly attractive again, he won't deny it, but his mind is clear and clear now, and he knows that suicide simply isn't something he can afford at the moment. Not until the Agency finds a normal rhythm again, not until Chuuya finally gets over it.
Until then, he must pretend to continue living like any of the others.
Dazai doesn't startle or turn around when he feels footsteps behind him, while the wind waves and lightly shakes the bag that the brunette has in his hands.
Hearing those footsteps causes a flash in him, an echo, a thread that he tries to pull and, again, fails, because No Longer Human cancels it first.
"I knew you would come today." Dazai says softly, and turns to Chuuya.
There is a gleam of determination in the redhead's eyes, a fire that Dazai remembers loving without being able to feel more than the echo of that love, the beginning of that feeling brutally extinguished by his ability.
"I don't doubt it, Shitty Dazai." Chuuya snorts, but there's so much affection in his eyes... Even now, even after everything, "How's my hat?"
How are you? is the unsaid question, but understood anyway.
"Here," Dazai says, holding up the bag he's holding in his hands, his eyes devoid of any shine, "I thought since you came looking for me, I'd give it back to you. And don't worry, fussy slug, it's intact."
"I haven't asked you back yet." Chuuya frowns and closes the distance between him and Dazai, without receiving the bag with the hat.
"How is Mori-sensei?" Dazai asks instead, the bag with the hat weighing much more in his hands than it should.
Chuuya looks at him surprised for a moment, but then snorts, nodding. Of course Dazai knows that Chuuya went to see Mori. He doesn't doubt that the redhead must have avoided the idea at all costs at first, but ultimately it was the only possible place he could end up to consult on the complex plots of No Longer Human. A clean and easy deduction.
"He's still a bastard, obviously, but he turned out to be a useful bastard." Chuuya answers, not particularly interested in talking about the mafia boss (rather, actively avoiding talking about the mafia boss).
"I hope you didn't sell your soul to him for useless information, Slug." Dazai says, raising an eyebrow.
Chuuya snorts, "What makes you think it's useless information?"
"Because Ranpo already tried to solve it on the same basis." Dazai shrugs simply, "It didn't help."
"I don't care what the cocky detective tried," the redhead replies firmly, "He's not god, and I'm not him. And I'm not willing to give up on this, you stupid mackerel."
Dazai raises an eyebrow, his eyes empty of any real emotion, "Chuu-ya. It's not worth it, how many times do I have to tell you? How many ways? This won't change anything. I'm the same lost cause I've always been, you just need to remember that."
"You don't know if it's worth it. You can't feel it, but I can." Chuuya clenches his fists, his determination burning in contrast to Dazai's apathy, "I'm tired of listening to you self-pity, Dazai. Get your fucking head out of your ass already before I beat it out of you, will you? I have a plan."
Dazai hands him the bag with the hat, his eyes expressionless, "Do whatever you want, Chuuya. It doesn't matter."
Chuuya grabs the bag in frustration, but before he can walk away, Dazai feels a sharp tug on his shirt, causing his head to tilt downward, "You're a fucking idiot." Chuuya says vehemently, his lips inches apart and the redhead's breath brushing the brunette's lips.
And then, without giving Dazai time to respond, Chuuya leans forward and kisses him with a desperate intensity and a hint of rage. It's a rough, passionate kiss, like he's trying to light a spark in his partner's heart, a desperate attempt to make Dazai feel something, anything. For a brief moment, Dazai responds to the kiss, his lips pressing against Chuuya's urgently. But then, the feeling fades, No Longer Human grabs and overrides the small gap, and Dazai pulls away, his gaze vacant once more. But there was something there, something powerful.
"See? You can still feel something." Chuuya murmurs against his partner's lips, his fingers gripping Dazai's soft, curly hair, "It's there. I felt you."
"It's not enough," Dazai shakes his head, desperately wanting to feel more when Chuuya gently caresses his cheek with his gloved hand. Why now is it so hard not to feel? "It's true, the feelings are there, in theory, but I can only get little pieces of it no matter what I do. Echoes. It's not enough."
Chuuya lowers his gaze to the floor, but when he raises it, there is a new determination.
"Come with me," the redhead says, and intertwines his fingers with Dazai's.
The kiss wasn't Chuuya's plan, Dazai deduces. The redhead has something else. Dazai should try pushing him away again, but that strategy proved unworkable last time, and the brunette doesn't feel particularly inclined to try it again. The only thing left for him to do is let Chuuya have his try and be disappointed on his own, so he nods.
"Okay, Slug, you win." Dazai relents, and Chuuya begins to pull him out of the building.
"Where we go?" Dazai asks him, while his brain works a mile an hour to guess both that and Chuuya's entire plan.
"Another rooftop." It's all Chuuya offers.
Dazai looks at their fingers intertwined in their joined hands as Chuuya leads the way and feels a surprisingly strong pang of disappointment before No Longer Human overrides it.
The echoes, he thinks, are even worse than the empty.
Without having yet quite figured out why, Dazai is standing on the roof of Chuuya's apartment building, next to the redhead, watching the horizon. The last time he was in this place, things were so different. At that moment, Dazai was bursting at the seams because he felt too much. How ironic.
"Why are we here, Chuuya?" The brunette asks as they stand near the edge of the roof. His brain still can't understand why they have come and he doesn't like that.
Chuuya keeps staring at the horizon, as if looking for something in the distance (too thoughtful. Suspicious). Dazai waits for an answer, a reason why they're in this particular place, but Chuuya doesn't say anything right away, and when he does what he says is...
"Did you know this building is fourteen stories high? That's a long drop."
Yes, Dazai knows that. When he planned to jump from here, he had to make sure that the fall would, in fact, kill him. Fourteen floors were enough. Every good suicidal must be aware of these details.
"Are we planning a double suicide, Slug?" Dazai jokes. To his credit, he sounds more genuine this time (almost).
Chuuya doesn't respond to his joke either, he simply turns to Dazai and looks at him intensely, as if trying to undo it by layers.
"I think we should go in, or we'll get popsicles, and I was one of those a relatively short time ago." Dazai tries again.
Chuuya takes him by the wrist and speaks seriously, once again ignoring his attempt at a joke.
"Do you know that you are the only person in the world I trust with my life in every aspect?" says the redhead, just like that out of nowhere. The topic baffles Dazai. Why can't he read and deduce what Chuuya is up to?
"I know," Dazai murmurs, not trying to make another joke. What would be the point anyway?
"Good, because I do. I trust you with my life and I know you have my back. Every time I have used corruption, I have done so knowing that you would stop me, that you would save me, because you got me."
"Chuuya..."
"You got me, Dazai. My life has been yours many times and you have never taken it." his smile looks strangely ethereal.
"Chuuya." Dazai repeats, as No Longer Human fights against the echoes in his chest, and his brain fights with possible deductions for this situation, "What are you-?"
Dazai falls silent when Chuuya hugs him tightly, just like that. And although he doesn't feel it, he tries tentatively and a little clumsily to wrap his arms around Chuuya in response.
That's why he realizes a second too late about Chuuya's true intentions.
"You got me, Dazai."
Dazai's eyes widen as the dots connect and he tries to pull away from Chuuya. Not because he cares about himself, but about Chuuya.
"No-"
It's late. Late. Late. Late.
"I trust you with my life"
With his strength, and taking advantage of his proximity to the edge, Chuuya pushes himself backwards with his feet, holding Dazai tightly in his arms. It propels them past the edge of the rooftop, into the air.
No, it is not possible. No. Dazai didn't see it coming... How did he not see it coming?
Time seems to slow down around them as they fall from the rooftop into the void.
Dazai didn't see it coming because this isn't something Chuuya would do, it's something he would do. No-
They are falling.
Almost two days ago, in the Port Mafia boss's office, Mori Ougai told Chuuya that abilities are associated with emotions, that these function as a safety button for activation and deactivation (something Chuuya already had present due to the way his own ability works and the corrupted form of itself). However, since Dazai had never fully felt any emotion and could only rely on external imitation, he did not have that safety button. Mori had taken advantage of that, of course, because it made Dazai's mind respond very well to mental conditioning. Chuuya had to sit there silently as he listened to all the conditioning Mori implanted in Dazai, the twisted ways he did it, and the ways to undo them, unable to say a single word or punch the bastard beyond recognition.
“His need to die did the rest,” Mori had stated.
Chuuya had growled and, fighting the urge to punch him, stated, "That's not enough."
Mori, with his sharp smile, mentioned a specific memory: "Do you remember when you were sixteen, Chuuya-kun? When our adorable executive Verlaine had his tantrum?"
Of course Chuuya remembered that, and his expression must have been a poem to Mori at that moment, because the bastard laughed.
"Well," Mori continued, "that was the first time I contemplated the possibility that at some point I might lose Dazai-kun."
"What are you talking about?"
"You, of course. You were about to die, and Dazai-kun had the chance to have the same death as you, a death that he wanted."
Mori's words made Chuuya frown, "But he didn't."
The mafia boss just nods, his smile taking on a darker hue. "Exactly, he didn't. Because of you, Chuuya-kun."
"Yes, because he didn't want to have a double suicide with me."
"Correction, he didn't want you to die. It was the first time I saw real emotion in Dazai-kun's eyes. Which I didn't think was possible. It escaped my control. It escaped the nature of his ability. And who do you think he did it for?"
And Chuuya had understood it all at once. It clicked. That is. He realized that, in fact, Dazai had developed an emotional path to him strong enough to anchor himself to his existence, even with No Longer Human devouring everything, years ago. It was an overwhelming thought.
And it required a jump of faith.
So Chuuya gave it. It was no different than trusting him with his life when he activated corruption, knowing what he knows. Chuuya took Dazai in his arms and launched himself with him into the void from the rooftop, fourteen floors down.
The biggest jump of faith Chuuya would ever take.
They are falling, as if in slow motion. It's really happening. Chuuya has one arm tightly wrapped around Dazai's waist and the other with a hand on his head. When they hit the asphalt, Chuuya will take the brunt of the impact.
What is he doing? Why?
Dazai desperately tries to persuade Chuuya to let him go, but his words are lost in the roar of the wind. He tries to free himself from the redhead's tenacious hold. It's useless. Chuuya would be saved if he let go of Dazai and used his ability, but he won't let go, and he can't activate his ability while they are touching. The ground is getting closer and faster. Chuuya is going to die with Dazai, here, in this fall.
Of all the times Dazai has tried to die or come close to dying, he wasn't supposed to take Chuuya with him. No, Chuuya, never to Chuuya.
It's ridiculous. It's absurd.
Chuuya wants to live, he is full of life and wants to do many things. The executive has dreams and goals and ambitions and all that stupid stuff that Dazai never had... and Dazai... Dazai loves him... loves him so much... God.
They are about to hit the ground.
Dazai grits his teeth, exhales and closes his eyes. In the black space of his mind, No Longer Human is right in the center: It's like looking at himself, bound with green chains in every corner. Relentless, halfway to all the feelings that belong to Dazai. Halfway to Chuuya.
I'm not yours, Dazai thinks as he looks at him, feeling completely hysterical and out of touch with reality, you're mine. And I am his.
Chuuya.
Dazai passes through No Longer Human like a stone generating ripples in a water fountain.
The fall ends. They reach the ground.
Dazai opens his eyes, stunned as he doesn't feel the brutal impact he expected. Instead, he and Chuuya are surrounded by a red glow, and their heads are mere millimeters from the pavement.
Chuuya, the idiot, dares to laugh while they're both still upside down, sounding a little strangled as he strokes Dazai's hair with a trembling hand and says, "Good job, mackerel."
They are alive.
Dazai deactivated it.
Once they are both firmly planted on the ground, Dazai pushes Chuuya hard, his words a cry of frustration and pent-up fear, gushing out from the adrenaline.
"How can you even thinking of trying that? What the hell are you thinking?" Dazai yells at him, anger and relief colliding inside him. "I'm supposed to be the suicidal one here, not you!"
Chuuya, however, maintains his smile (why is he smiling?), and his tone is soft as he responds, "Are you angry?"
"Of course I'm angry!" Dazai yells, and his throat hurts from the habit of doing so, "You almost-!"
The brunette stops abruptly when he realizes what he's saying and looks at Chuuya in surprise, as his emotions cascade over him.
"I'm angry, Chuuya," he repeats, as if dazed, his eyes suddenly bright and blurry... Tears?
"Yes," Chuuya tilts his smile and nods, as if addressing a child, and Dazai can't even feel insulted or even notice it, "you are."
Dazai chokes back a sob, because he's feeling it all, and smiles as tears fall down his cheeks. "I turned it off," he says, his voice shaking, "I..."
His voice breaks, so instead of trying again, he hugs Chuuya, crouching down to his height to clumsily wrap him around him, and Chuuya hugs him out in return, and Dazai feels...feels everything again. He loves Chuuya and he's mad at him because he did something stupid like this and he's happy that they're alive and he's grateful and Oh god. Tears slide down Dazai's cheeks as he sinks deeper into Chuuya's embrace.
The redhead, still hugging him, whispers affectionately: "Yes, stupid mackerel, you did it."
Dazai sobs, his chin resting on Chuuya's head, his nose buried in Chuuya's hair, breathing in his scent, not caring how vulnerable he looks or feels right now as he trembles in his arms.
Dazai is alive... Not just because he didn't die in the fall, he is really alive.
"That was stupid, Chuuya. You've spent too much time with me and my suicidal habits have rubbed off on you," Dazai sobs at a poor attempt at a joke.
Chuuya laughs softly, his voice sounding just as wet as Dazai's.
"Maybe it's my desire to live that has infected you." He replies.
Dazai sighs and pulls away just enough so he can look Chuuya down in the eyes.
"You didn't know if it was going to work." The brunette says, looking him straight in the eyes, and it's a statement, not a question, but the redhead nods anyway. "Then why?"
Chuuya gently places his hand on Dazai's cheek, and the brunette can't help but lean into the warm touch.
"You didn't want to live like that, so I thought, either you succeed and we live, or you fail and we die."
Dazai shakes his head, but doesn't move away, "It couldn't have been that simple. You don't want to die..."
"It was that simple, because I knew you wouldn't fail." The redhead says, gently stroking Dazai's cheek with his thumb, "Because I believe in your eternal vitality, Shitty Dazai."
Chuuya brings their foreheads together in a single movement and Dazai exhales shakily.
"And I believe in your ability to always bring me back, my foolish and noble Chuuya."
"It had better be so." the redhead whispers before leaning down and sealing his words with a kiss.
Chuuya gently holds Dazai's face in his hands, as if he were holding his heart in his palms. Their lips meet gently at first, as if they are exploring the sensation of reunion. Dazai's eyes slowly close as the brunette feels Chuuya's tongue brush against his lips, almost imperceptibly at first, with a soft hum of desire that makes the brunette's entire body vibrate and shudder with a barely audible sigh. Dazai reciprocates with the same intensity, his fingers gently caressing the nape of Chuuya's neck, feeling the soft touch of his hair, while with his other hand he hugs the shorter man's waist.
They kiss without haste, as if time had stopped just for them. Each movement is slow and deliberate, as if they wanted to savor every second. Their lips separate only to catch their breath, and then they meet again, again and again and again, because neither of them can get enough, because they don't know what the hell awaits them in the future, but there will be a future.
And Dazai, brilliant, broken, human, feels everything.
Notes:
… And they lived happily, as it should be (please, Asagiri, this is how it should be).
It's been a while since I finished a fic, so I really don't know what to say except thank you all for joining me so far giving so much love to my little fic and reading all the things I put Dazai and Chuuya, my babies, through this story c: Honestly, I really enjoyed writing this and reading each of your comments, so I hope you enjoyed it until the end too.
Well, looks like I knew what to say after all, huh?
Now... I marked this fic as finished, because technically it's over. Do I have an epilogue planned anyway? Yeah, something like that, and if I decide to add it, I'll probably post it sometime this week. I also have some ideas for extras floating around in my brain (and the temptation to turn this fic into a series). So... I agree to read your suggestions for the epilogue or simply for any scene that you would like to read from these two after this ending *wink wink*
Well, what did you think of this last chapter? Favorite parts or lines? Anything else to say? I will be very happy reading your final opinions.
Finally, thank you very much again. I hope we meet again in some other fic (I'll definitely be posting other soukoku fics relatively soon, because I can't go long without writing and it's my way of dealing with everything that's happening in the manga and the impending end of the season 5).
After this kilometer note… Bye bye! <3
Chapter 21: “Epilogue”
Summary:
"Crumbs about visualizing a future..."
Notes:
Hey, I'm here again, with an epilogue in my pocket.
There is a lot of nonsense here and this is very self-indulgent. You don't have to read it, but if you want you're welcome ^^ I for one needed to write it, so here's my silly little epilogue to give Chuuya, Dazai and the Agency a little more happiness after the end.
I hope you enjoy it <3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Dazai snuggled closer to Chuuya, feeling comforted by his constant presence. Meanwhile, Chuuya absentmindedly played with Dazai's hair strands. The sheets in which they were tangled were still warm and the sunlight was coming in pleasantly through the window. They were both terribly tired, but it was good tiredness, like when you finally cross the finish line of an endless marathon.
It was hard to believe that just yesterday they almost killed themselves falling from this very building. Although, well, that's just another day in his everyday lives, right? More unreal was the way everything felt, at least to Dazai. And although a part of him was waiting for the moment when something would happen again that would prevent him from keeping this fleeting piece of happiness, another part of him just wanted to relax and enjoy and stay in Chuuya's arms forever. How last night.
Dazai yawns and leans over slightly to look around the room. Seeing his bandages messy on the floor on top of Chuuya's shirt gives him a nice feeling in his stomach.
"Oi, mackerel," Chuuya spoke, his voice soft and still somewhat hoarse from sleep.
Dazai, without realizing it, looked at him like a flower opens before the sun's rays. Devotion. That forced Chuuya to intertwine his fingers, because he didn't plan to lose the competition of who can be more affectionate.
"Yes, Slug?" Dazai requested, drumming the fingers of his free hand gently against Chuuya's bare chest.
"What do you want to do?"
And that was the big question, right? The big and overwhelming question. Dazai was very much alive and the world was going to keep turning and, in reality, there was a lot to do: There was the matter that, although Dazai had managed to deactivate his ability, he still wasn't quite sure about the logistics and operation of on and off it (well, the truth is he already has his ideas about this and deduced a way based on previous background, but he prefers to pretend he's not sure because... he doesn't really want to try it yet). And he can't jump off a building with Chuuya every time he needs to disable it... Because Chuuya had already said they couldn't, the big killjoy, even though jumping the first time was Slug's idea! Anyway, there was also the matter of the Agency, that is, Dazai had to tell them that he already knew how to deactivate his ability (halfway, but unnecessary details) and that he had done it. And there was the matter that neither he nor Chuuya wanted to talk about but that seemed to be breathing down their necks: The deal Chuuya made with Mori (and for which Dazai felt a slimy guilt creeping up his chest every time he thought about it).
"Shitty Dazai, enough thinking," Chuuya taps Dazai on the forehead, which is more of a gentle touch to get his attention, "I can see the smoke coming out of your head."
"Shouldn't you ask me for a coin for my thoughts?"
"Nah. I'd rather stay sane."
"Chuuya is so rude! I'm-"
Chuuya kisses him to shut him up. It feels warm and wonderful and Dazai loves it. Provoking Chuuya to kiss him is even better than provoking Chuuya to hit him.
"Oi, I'm being serious. We've had a shitty few weeks. Stop worrying." Chuuya demands, all authoritarian, pulling Dazai's hair a little to demand his attention (as if he didn't have it all whenever he wanted).
"But Chuuya asked me what I want to do..."
"I wasn't referring to other people's situations and all the problems, idiot." Chuuya declares, his voice soft and direct, as he looks at Dazai seriously, "I mean what you want to do"
Dazai frowned, a little perplexed. Putting together a wish list before dying was not the same as a list of things that would mark a step forward towards the idea of living. Dazai had a dangerous relationship with wanting, with wishing things. For much of his life, he had embraced doom, hoping that death or misfortune would find him without illusions. Dazai knows that hope is a chimera, something that had fooled him in the past, making him believe he could find happiness, something that in a world of darkness and apathy, faded as soon as he tried to hold on to it.
"What I want to do?" Dazai murmured, as if he were testing the words in his mouth.
"They don't necessarily have to be big wishes, genius." Chuuya tapped him on the arm, encouraging him, "Try something simple."
Simple. Nothing in Dazai's life is simple, layers upon layers upon layers and masks upon masks upon masks... But, dancing was simple, and eating sweets, and biting into lemons. He... He could...
"I want to try the ice cream." Dazai stated solemnly, and a very important part of him felt incredibly stupid for the easy and boring choice, but he didn't back down.
Dazai thought Chuuya would laugh, but instead, the redhead made a serious face, "That's right, you haven't tried it. We have to fix that." He said it like it was a big deal, like Ranpo with his candy. It made Dazai smile involuntarily, "Okay, ice cream on the list. What else do you want to experience?"
With a mischievous smile, emboldened by his own ability to wish and think about simple things, Dazai leaned toward Chuuya enough for their noses to touch as he placed a hand on Chuuya's chest.
"I want to experience a lot of things with Chuuya," he hummed suggestively.
Chuuya obviously put a hand all over his face and pushed him back. And even though Dazai had already expected it, he took delight in faking a surprised gasp and dramatically throwing himself back onto the bed.
"Experiences outside of bed, you stupid insatiable mackerel." Chuuya complained, but the brunette could see the smile the redhead was trying to hide.
Dazai, with an expression of mock shock, sat up on the bed and dropped a hand to his forehead as he sighed dramatically. "Oh, Chuuya, you broke my heart with that cold and calculating response!"
Chuuya rolled his eyes, but couldn't help but chuckle softly. "Cold and calculating? You're the king of that."
Dazai sat up straight on the bed and looked at Chuuya with a mischievous smile. "Well then, cranky Slug, if it's about my upbringing outside of the bedroom..." his expression took on a more serious and soft tone, "I want to go to the beach."
Odasaku used to say that the best stories were written on the beach, where the sea stretched as far as the eye could see and the horizon seemed endless. It was a strange vision of the beach, the sea and everything that made up it, but that was one of the things that Dazai liked most about Odasaku; their unusual definitions for everyday things for which the average human had very different visions. Odasaku used to say that that was what he liked about Dazai, too. Even now, Dazai clings to that, that tiny part where they were similar.
Perhaps, in that place where the waves kissed the shore and the sun painted the horizon, Dazai could find a piece of the history that Odasaku had sought. It was a strange thought for him, wishing for something like that, but for the first time in a long time, Dazai felt willing to explore a new story, even if it meant facing the fear of hope.
Chuuya, probably noticing that Dazai had completely lost himself in thought, leaned against him, pretending to stare at the ceiling and be distracted. And it worked, because the contact brought Dazai back to the present moment, functioning as a kind of anchor (and that was Chuuya to Dazai, in many more ways than he realized).
"Good. Beach is on the list too." Chuuya glanced at him out of the corner of his eye and seemed satisfied to see that Dazai was looking back at him, present, "Anything else?"
Lots of things swirling and overlapping. None at all. The possibilities made Dazai a little dizzy.
"How about more movies?" Chuuya offered.
Dazai almost shuddered at the memory of Hachiko. He had liked Howl's Moving Castle though.
"'kay." The brunette agreed, "But I won't watch The Boy and the Dog." He added, totally unyielding and solemn.
Chuuya almost threw him off the bed, offended.
"That's the best damn movie you stupid uneducated bastard-!"
"Don't push me, you sticky slug!"
"You'll watch the movie even if I have to tie your legs to the fucking chair!"
"Blah! Chuuya wants to bore me to death so soon? I just didn't d-"
Dazai is interrupted by a pillow hitting him in the face with twice the force a pillow should hit him with.
"Attempted murder!"
"Fuck off!"
After a brief pillow battle, they found themselves tangled in the sheets again, staring at the ceiling. Dazai realized that he didn't have all the answers, and maybe he didn't need to have them. He had spent too much time trying to control everything, but feeling… He wasn't in control and maybe he didn't need it either.
"Hey, Chuuya..."
"Mmh?" The redhead looked at him expectantly, his fingers tracing invisible patterns on Dazai's chest.
"I guess maybe I don't need a list" Dazai smiled, it was genuine and fragile and difficult and valuable. It made Chuuya feel that gravity itself was disrupted, "Only Chuuya."
That stupid guy definitely has no right to say things like that, if Chuuya's heart is anyone's opinion.
"You cheesy, disgusting bastard," Chuuya huffed, his cheeks slightly reddening, and leaned in to kiss him.
Ah, the possibilities...
Unfortunately, Dazai couldn't stay with Chuuya in their little shared bubble forever. He has something called a job, if Kunikida's endless calls and Atsushi's worried messages are anything to go by (and he also has something called his own house, but who thinks about the details). So, after using his best negotiation tactics (i.e. promising to watch The Boy and the Dog with Chuuya. The brunette will figure out how to get out of that deal later), Chuuya agrees to go to the Agency with him, grunting something about have his own job to go to, but without putting up any real resistance.
And here they are. Dazai walked into the Armed Detective Agency with a playful smile as Chuuya walked behind him, apparently already anticipating the chaos that was about to unfold.
"Hi everyone!" Dazai greeted happily, and he was feeling cheerful. He is happy to see them, a little anxious about how tense things had been these days, a little elated with the anticipation of surprising them with his achievement (everyone except Ranpo, if the detective's smile when he saw Dazai enter the rooms offices was enough of an indication that he obviously already knew what had happened), "Did you miss me?"
The atmosphere in the meeting room changed instantly, and all eyes turned towards them. Half of them seemed surprised by the sparkle in Dazai's eyes and the other half by the presence of the executive, who they believed Dazai was still on... complicated terms with since the argument. Dazai saw how Atsushi shrank in sadness and Kunikida, who was reading reports, and Yosano, who was sharpening her knife, hid their grimaces, while Kenji greeted him happily and the Tanizakis tried to imitate the blonde. Kyoka just stared at him.
Oh right, they still think he's faking it, masking it, walking on eggshells while pretending it doesn't make any sound. Their wary, pitiful gazes make Dazai's stomach turn with shame and guilt. But he goes through both emotions, because he finally has the solution to those looks of pity.
Atsushi, his eyes filled with sadness, approached him and murmured, "Dazai-san, you don't have to pretend. We all understand."
Dazai smiled, it was a sincere and bright smile. "You're sweet, Atsushi-kun, but seriously, I'm not pretending. The emotions are real. What I feel right now is genuine."
Ranpo, shrugging nonchalantly as he devoured a Dorayaki, said, "He's telling the truth, just look at him."
At Ranpo's words of confirmation, everyone changed their expressions.
"Dazai-san, do you really...?" Atsushi looked at him with endearing amazement.
The others approached him as well. Kunikida, frowning, analyzed Dazai from top to bottom and then looked at Chuuya for an answer.
Dazai pouted because, didn't his slug and Kunikida used to get along badly?
"He's telling the truth, idiots," Chuuya informed, with his arms crossed over his chest and an expression of false disinterest and a bit of annoyance. Standing guarding Dazai's back, the redhead looked like a guard dog.
There was a moment of silence, and then Kenji, ever the optimist, broke the ice, "So, Dazai-san, that means we can do a lot of fun things together now, right? And with Chuuya-san!"
Chuuya hid a smile. He liked that weird kid.
"That's great, Dazai-san!" Atsushi jumped to hug him and almost knocked him to the ground. Seriously, Dazai doesn't hate contact as much as he thought, he could...he could get used to Atsushi's spontaneous hugs...
Kunikida cleared his throat seriously, and when Dazai looked at him, the one with glasses smiled softly at him. Coming from Kunikida, that was equivalent to the hug Atsushi was giving the brunette right now.
Yosano narrowed his eyes at Dazai, "How did it happen?" She questioned, "How did you manage to deactivate it?"
The other members of the Agency nodded, waiting for a response (except for Ranpo, who just watched the spectacle with amusement while eating).
Dazai, as if that had been the question he had been waiting for all along, responded proudly, "Chuuya threw him and me off a fourteen-story building."
No more words. No more context.
Chuuya, with an expression that wavered between embarrassment and disbelief, grabbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers and snorted, "Dazai, for God's sake..."
There was a moment of silence, and then...
The Agency, in perfect synchronization, gave a dramatic chorus: "What?!"
"That's...that's crazy!" Tanizaki blinked.
"Amazing..." Kenji and Kyoka murmured in unison.
Kunikida, almost hysterically, blurted out, "How the hell did you come up with that?!"
Yosano, taking the knife he was sharpening in her hands and pointing it towards the executive: "Prepare for open heart surgery, Chuuya!" And she threw the knife in Chuuya's direction, which he dodged with almost insulting ease, raising his hands in surrender.
Meanwhile, taking advantage of the fact that chaos was surrounding Chuuya now, Ranpo approached and dragged Dazai further, putting a dorayaki in his face.
"I told you so," the older detective strutted.
Dazai smiled and took the dorayaki in his hand, not caring that his cheek was stained with chocolate. Maybe Chuuya would like to clean it up later (with his tongue, please). That's if Yosano didn't open him up first, of course (honestly, the doctor would take any excuse to open someone up).
"Yes, Ranpo-san." The brunette nodded, "You did it."
"I hope you use your executive's money to repay me for my intelligence and benevolence with lots of candys" Ranpo demanded.
Dazai felt appreciation well up in his chest. The emotions were already settling in him, but he was still caught off guard by the intensity of some.
"You got it." Dazai winked at him.
"Damn waste of bandages, come back here and take care of your idiots!" Chuuya complained then. It was adorable that the redhead was acting patient enough to not pin everyone to the floor or ceiling with one touch. Knowing that Chuuya's patience had a limit, Dazai hurried back to his side, positioning himself in the middle of all these people he cared about and who, in fact, cared about him.
“Okay, don't harass my new boyfriend anymore or chibi will float you to outer space.” Dazai declared solemnly, and since his back was turned to Chuuya, he couldn't see the possessive expression of satisfaction that appeared on the redhead's face when Dazai called him his boyfriend.
"Boyfriend?!"
“Finally, slow idiots.”
“New? Wasn't he your boyfriend before, Dazai-san?”
“I want to float!”
“Let's see, is everyone forgetting that they jumped off a fourteen-story building? Without any assurance that they were going to live?”
"Nah, I want boyfriend gossip"
For the first time in a long time, Dazai felt like he truly belonged here, in the Agency, in this world.
As a human being, the same as all of them.
The brunette smiled, feeling a warm lump in his throat, while the Agency continued with their questions, outbursts and jokes, and Chuuya growled something about never letting Dazai start a damn important conversation again.
I'm trying, Odasaku, he thought fleetingly, can you see me make it?
Notes:
I originally wanted to post this much sooner, but between college, my semester internship, and, well, life, I ended up putting it off until now. As I said at the beginning, it was a small piece of the after that I couldn't not publish considering that I had the scenes in my mind before writing the ending.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. What did you think?
Regarding turning this fic into a series, that idea is still in my court. I have a very clear idea and with half written of Soukoku moving in together and some things like that. I also accept suggestions for any extras from the future or the past that interest you. Eventually I will materialize them.
Finally, thanks again for enjoying this fic so much. Your comments in the final chapter made me happy like you have no idea! <3
P.S: This is my twitter _WolfSpirit__ in case you want to stop by and say hi c;
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Last Edited Thu 09 Jan 2025 10:10PM UTC
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