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Kaz knows. Kaz knows. Kaz knows runs through his head over and over again. Kaz knows and while he hasn’t told anyone yet, he will. Wylan was foolish to think that he could ever find any peace or happiness for a long time. Jesper will find out and he will have to watch another person slowly start to look at him with disappointment and resentment. He doesn’t think he can manage to see that look on Jesper’s face.
Especially not while he is here in their shared bed, in the room they have shared for weeks now. Wylan hates it, hates it, hates it, but he could go back to work at the Tannery, untangle himself from Jesper before he has to see that look in his eyes. Not having him at all would be kinder than waiting to be abandoned and replaced.
He paces in their cramped room, hands moving anxiously. There is too much in his body. Too much panic. He needs it out. He needs out. But nowhere but this room feels safe to him. He moves as if he could shake the panic out of his limbs. But he can’t, he can’t, he can’t.
He sits on the bed trying to control his body. Jesper will be home soon. And he can’t see him like this. Vaguely he feels the tears on his face and the burning in his eyes. He wants to scream and cry about how unfair this all is. Jesper feels like home. And now he is going to lose him. He rocks as if that will calm him down. It doesn’t.
Jesper will be home soon. If he doesn’t get in control of himself soon Jesper will leave before Wylan gets the chance. He can’t help but hear all the vile words thrown at him coming from Jesper’s mouth.
He stands to pace again. He’s too hot and the fabric on his clothes scratches at his skin and he can’t feel anything but that and the panic. His clothes fall to the floor in a rush. Their floor is littered with their clothes from the many, many, times they carelessly peeled them from each other’s bodies. The sight normally makes him smile. Now he is too convinced he will never have that again. Jesper will never want to touch him again after he finds out Wylan lied and was a stupid little rich boy who got upset over the feel of his clothes. He won’t even look at him when he realizes Wylan isn’t as brave as he thought, when he realizes that he never, ever, stopped his father from hitting him, that he never fought back. That he deserved it.
His body falls to the floor like a dropped stone. The panic still courses through him but his body doesn’t have the energy anymore. He knows he will be sore in the morning. He manages to pull himself into bed. The soft fabric is a relief for his skin, and it smells like Jesper and that makes him feel safe . Time moves on without him, and he doesn’t care, just soaks in the feeling of safety he won’t get again. He barely registers it when the door softly creaks open then closes.
“Wy?”Jesper whispers. Wylan doesn’t respond, he would rather pretend to be asleep than talk right now. He listens as Jesper shuffles around getting ready for bed. He can tell that Jesper is doing his best to be quiet, to let him sleep, it makes his heart ache. He feels the mattress shift and then Jesper is all around him. Wylan is selfish enough to allow one more night. Jesper's fingers brush his hair off his forehead and he feels the soft press of his lips on the top of his head a moment later. He feels himself smile, nose scrunching.
“Rough night?” Wylan grimaces. Jesper snorts but pulls him that much closer. “Anything I can do to help?” he asks into Wylan's hair. But Jesper can’t help if the problem is Jesper so he just stays silent. He hopes he is hidden enough in Jesper's shoulder that he can’t see the fresh tears welling in his eyes. But the tears don’t stop coming and the next thing he knows he is horrifyingly sobbing into Jesper. Jesper sits up and pulls Wylan into his lap, rocking them both and rubbing his back. He cries harder into Jesper's neck, and the other boy must hate how he is getting snot and tears over his neck and shirt. He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve this comfort when he is about to leave.
“What's the matter, darling?” Jesper asks when he calms down. The noise he makes is pained and pathetic. He shakes his head no, no, no, no, no, no. “Whatever it is I will be there for you,” but he won’t be, Wylan thinks. He should stop this now. He stands up, only now realizing how much of his skin is bare. He frantically searches for his clothes. “What are you doing?”
“Jes I… I can’t be here anymore. I can’t. I can’t. I need to leave,”
“Oh, okay. Where are we going,”
“ I am leaving but you are staying here,”
“If that's what you need… When will you be back? Should I wait up?” Wylan hesitates. Jesper fidgets on the bed. “Will you be back tomorrow?”
“I don’t think I should.”
“What does that mean,” his voice sounds strained.
“We should just cut our losses before we’re in to deep,”
“Are you breaking up with me right now?” Jesper stands up and starts pacing in front of him.
“It’s for the best, it’s not too late you can come out of this unscathed,” he says meekly.
“ Unscathed ,” Jesper scoffs. “Do you think I do this with just anyone, Wylan” he says gesturing to the room, their room .
“It’s not like this will last forever, you will hate me eventually. Everybody does,”
“I could never hate you Wylan,”
“You say that but,” he cuts himself off.
“But?” Jesper asks. He doesn’t respond. Wylan goes about picking up his clothes and pulling them on. “Wylan!” Jesper half shouts, grabbing his arm. Wylan flinches and Jesper drops his hand immediately. “Talk to me,” he pleads.
“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t” he mutters, hands pressing into his eyes to avoid the hurt on Jesper's face.
“ Please ”
“You will hate me, I can’t see you hate me,”
“Why do you think I will hate you, Wy,”
“I’m stupid and unlovable,”
“You’re acting pretty stupid right now but you are far from stupid and unlovable,”
“You say that now but eventually you will see,” just like his father had, “I will just be a huge disappointment because I am not who you thought I was,”
“Not possible because I know you Wylan and I don’t want you to be anyone but you,”
“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do! You don’t even know where I grew up,”
“Does it matter? I know you as you are right now.”
“It does matter! You will hate me because I kept it a secret from you, that I lied to you about my name”
“Stop saying that I will hate you! I won’t stop loving you for whatever secret is in your past that's not how love works Wylan,” Wylan wants so desperately to believe him but that has never been how love worked for him. “Wylan,” Jesper says much more gently. He presses their foreheads together and cups Wylan's cheeks in his hands like he’s something precious. “Whatever your secret is, I love you. Whatever your name is, I love you. Wherever you are from, I love you. I will love you even when you are being stupid and trying to leave me in the middle of the night. I love you,” tears well in Wylan's eyes again.
“But..”
“No.”
“How can you mean that?” He spent too much of his childhood hearing his father saying how ridiculous and worthless he was to just accept what Jesper is saying.
“How can I not?” He sees the earnest truth in his eyes. He thinks that maybe one day Jesper will tell him he loves him and Wylan will believe him.
“I love you, too,” he whispers like a secret.
“Then why are you trying to leave, love,”
“I’m scared that he found me and he is going to rip us all apart. And I am a coward who would rather run away than see him again,”
“Who is he?” It was a logical next question but it still makes a lump form in Wylan’s throat. But Jesper's eyes are as open and loving as ever and he can’t lie to him anymore.
“My father,” he starts and shuts his eyes so he doesn’t have to see the disgusted look on Jesper's beautiful face, “Van Eck.”
“The Merch?” Jesper asks, disbelieving. He nods, still not daring to look up into his eyes. He is just Wylan Van Eck and he has always been a coward. “Why.. Why are you in the Barrel then? Why would you run away to live on the streets?”
“I didn’t run away, ” he snaps with more venom than he meant too.
“Then what happened?” Jesper sounds genuinely confused.
“I was..” his breath comes faster, he remembers the hands on his throat and he subconsciously covers his throat with his own hands, “I was thrown away, cast out, disowned, unwanted,” he rambles.
“What could you have done that was so bad to get thrown away . Was it a scandalous affair with your tutor?” He gets that Jesper is trying to lighten the mood but he scowls anyway. How could he not get it? How did he not understand that Wylan was the biggest mistake his father ever made?
“I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t a good son,”
“So? It’s not a child's job to be ‘good’ , it's a parent's job to love them regardless and teach them to be good,” Jesper says like it's obvious. Zemeni culture must be very different if that is how Jesper was raised. In Ketterdam, children were meant to be obedient to their parents and when they weren’t punishment was deserved.
“That’s not right, everything it was my fault, if I was better than it wouldn’t have happened,”
“Wylan, whatever he did to you, it wasn’t your fault,”
“Oh,” he says halfheartedly.
“ And when I see Van Eck, after we get our money of course, I am going to riddle his body with bullets,” he says so casually that it takes a second for his threat to sink in and he laughs. Jesper grins back at him. “There you are.” he says, punctuated by a kiss to his nose which makes him laugh again. “Ready for bed?” Jesper asks and he nods.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs as Jesper situates them back in bed. Wylan is pressed against his chest and their legs are a tangled mess and there is nowhere in the world he would rather be.
“Don’t be.” a pause, “Though we will have to talk about this more in the morning,”
“Mhm,”
“Go to sleep, my love,”
“Love you,” he murmurs and it wasn’t long before his exhausted body fell into sleep.