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Three years in. The studio had changed so many times since she first stepped foot in, a 13 year old tasked with hosting the mess of a show.
It was much more structured now, staff buzzing from one end to the other, never sparing her a look.
No one had to say it out loud, but she knew. Goto Maki meant nothing nowadays.
Tsunku had called her in a month ago, to notify her of her graduation. Goto Maki will now be a solo performer. He paused, waiting for some sort of reaction from her. Instead the girl clenched her jaw tighter, and flitted her eyes around the room. Morning Musume’s awards that hung on the shelves seemed like poised arrows.
Enough time passed that the man cleared his throat, thanking her for taking the news so graciously. He mentioned something about not telling the members for at least a week, and that her upcoming promotions with Melon Kinenbi should do well. Without any distractions. The door closed behind Maki without her even offering pleasantries.
As she clunked down the hall, every person she passed held an unspeakable, yet palpable look of pity for her. Rounding a corner, the girl realized it was always like this.
At first, people found it endearing. She was new, and odd. Her hair was unkept, and her mother paid her no mind. She spoke slowly, and stared for too long. Her bursts of reactions surprising everyone to look until she clamped her mouth shut.
Eventually everyone got tired of waiting for her to bloom. The new members broke out of their shell in half the time it took for Maki to warm up to staff. It wasn’t without reason. She wanted to grab them, tell them it’s not safe to be nice. They’ll take whatever they want and make someone you’ve never seen stand in your place.
For some reason it never came.
The door before her read MORNING MUSUME. Maki wondered if after a month, she’ll have her own room. Then her mind wandered farther; will she even have a place in the show they made her carry?
“Goto-san!”
Ayaka bounded up, in her stupid Chinese outfit, cameramen pacing with their mess of wires behind.
It wasn’t forced when she pulled her lips into a wry smile. And raised her hand in greeting. Ayaka was nice, weird, and ignored by most everyone with push at the company. Kei had told her she cried a lot when they met up. Upset at the mess she had gotten her friends in. Maki thought that made them just a little alike.
The woman asked if they could film “real quick.”
The cold press of the door onto her left shoulder was enough to have Maki say yes. She wanted to stall as long as possible.
It took 10 minutes, by the time Maki finished taking her third bite of the mango jello. Ayaka stared with a flitty smile on her face the entire time. Eyes drifting in and out of consciousness, it seemed. When the sound of the glass clinked back on its platter, she blinked it away.
“Goto-san’s not going to finish it?”
Maki shook her head and wiped something nonexistent off her lips, with the back of her hand. It seemed dumb when she thought back that night. She wasn’t part of Morning Musume anymore. Doesn’t that mean she can eat whatever she wants now?
Either way, she’ll be thinner than Yossie.
It was difficult to meet Ayaka after that day. Her little corner discontinued soon after. That was the last time she was forced to speak English. And Maki wished she could have at least told her so, that the woman’s distractions made her feel the most grounded since she decided to try out.