Chapter Text
“How do you know him?”
James blinked. “Huh?”
The woman tilted her head, gesturing to the area around them. The church hall that had been rented out, the white flowers in vases, and guests milling around. None of their voices rose above a whisper, as if they were afraid someone would call them out if they talked too loud. How disrespectful of the dead. Never mind that James knew for a fact that the woman to his left was discussing her dog’s new haircut and he heard two men arguing about their golf tournament near the door.
The woman raised her eyebrows, gaze sharp as she tossed her long braids over her shoulder. “It's only that I don’t know you,” she said raising her glass of wine as she cocked her head.
“You wouldn’t.” James assumed she must be somebody famous, most people there were. Not James. He worked in a bank, nine-to-five, and went home to his comfortable but modest enough house every night. No one ever left a light on. It was always dark, his bed always empty.
“Then why are you here?”
“Not everyone comes to a funeral because they’re famous.” James didn’t mean to snap, he thought he held in the edge of his voice well enough, but the woman still narrowed her dark eyes.
“Except when it’s the funeral of a famous person, then generally, yes… most of the people here are somebody.”
“Sometimes famous people know lowly normal people like me.”
“Well,” the woman said sharply her eyes flashing. “You didn’t tell me how you knew him, so I only assumed you were another leech, here for the good press. To shake your head and say what a fucking shame.”
James stopped. He knew her anger, it was only grief disguised as something else. “You know him.”
She blinked, mouth tight, “Yes… he was one of my best friends.”
“I’m sorry.”
The woman laughed bitterly at that. “Me too,” she said shaking her head. “So, answer my question—”
“I didn’t,” James cut her off. “I didn’t know him…” It wasn’t a lie.
Or maybe it was.
Enough years had passed that sometimes James wasn’t sure what was real or what had been a bloody image in his mind, conjured up from too many years spent with a boy at his shoulder. Years blurring lines and memories. Sixteen, laying on the bedroom floor, pointing up to the ceiling.
“Did you really make an accurate map of the constellations?” he’d laughed in disbelief as he squinted up at the glow-and-the-dark stars.
“Yes, do you have a problem with that?”
“No, it’s cute.”
Grey eyes blinked, cheeks flushing slightly, and James had quickly turned away, unsure why his teenage heart was trying to force its way out of his chest.
Maybe once it was a lie. It didn’t really feel like one now as the sharp-tempered woman’s brow furrowed and James knew that this was a real friend, that she’d been someone close. James didn’t even know her name.
“What’s your name?” he asked suddenly, needing to know, to reach out over this gap.
“Dorcas, yours?”
“James.”
The woman— Dorcas, frowned like she was trying to recall something. “Sounds familiar.”
“It’s a common name.”
She didn’t look convinced, and James crossed his arms, ignoring the way his suit was a little too tight and pulled at the shoulders. He hadn’t had the time to get it fitted, the whole funeral thing was a little bit of a surprise.
“That’s not it,” Dorcas told him, leaving no room for argument.
“I’m Sirius Black’s friend, we grew up together.”
Dorcas pulled at one of her braids before quickly letting go like she’d realized she was doing it. “James Potter.” It wasn’t a question, so James didn’t nod, only let her scrutinize him. “Sirius lived with your family didn’t he?”
“For some years, yes.”
“So, Regulus lived with you too?”
It was the first time anyone had dared to speak his name since the eulogy had been read, and James’s heart stopped. He wasn’t sure how he spoke when it felt like he was screaming from underwater. “Yes.”
“So, you did know him, you lied.”
“No, you asked me if I ‘ do ’ I didn’t lie, I don’t. Not now. Maybe once… but not now.”
“Shame,” she said simply, and James wondered if she knew something he didn’t. He never got the chance to ask because a second later Remus Lupin was appearing at his shoulder, looking slightly frantic.
“Prongs,” he hissed, “I think Sirius is about to lose his shit at Lucius Malfoy.”
“Fuck,” James cursed because Sirius had been a ticking timebomb this entire process. With the fact that he’d made it this far, helping his mother of all people—who he hadn’t spoken to in over a decade—plan the funeral… it’d been a miracle no one had been wounded yet. James had known it was only a matter of time before the quiet state of shock Sirius was in wore off to anger. Apparently, that time was now. “Get my mum, I’ll diffuse as much as possible. Where is he?”
Remus pointed James in Sirius’s direction and Dorcas stepped back.
“Well, it seems you have urgent matters to attend to James Potter.” James only nodded to her absently, ready to turn away before Dorcas continued and he stopped dead in his tracks. “I hope you get your lies straight. Must be hard to keep track of when even you don’t know what’s true.”
James met her eyes, his own wide, heart sluggish in his chest. She cocked her head and James knew, deep in his soul that this woman knew things, secrets that most people didn’t. Things no one else in the world knew.
That is, no one else in the world now, seeing as the other half of his secrets was buried six feet under, in a brand-new grave covered in fresh dirt.
He didn’t say a word, she didn’t need him to.
“James?” Remus questioned in concern; his brow furrowed as he glanced between the two of them.
“It’s nothing Moony, c’mon, we best go prevent a brawl.”
Dorcas didn’t contradict him, but James could feel it in her gaze, burning holes into the back of his neck as he walked away.
Seventeen years earlier
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See, no matter how a story ends, sometimes they start off simple. In this case, the start was mundane.
James remembered meeting Sirius, but in a way, he was sure he’d always known him. It’d been a random school day in the middle of the year, James remembered because it’d been during art class, his favorite class of the day. A new kid had been introduced, and James, as the friendliest most talkative student, had been assigned to help the students throughout the day.
That new student was, of course, no other then Sirius Black.
From the second Sirius had sat down, dark hair longer than most little boys James had smiled. “I like your hair.”
Sirius had squinted as if looking for an ulterior motive but when James only smiled, Sirius quickly relaxed. “I like yours too.”
“Really? My mum says it’s got a mind of its own.”
“It’s messy,” Sirius agreed, nodding gravely for a second. “But I like messy.”
“Me too! But my mum always makes me clean my room,” James frowned at the thought before suddenly brightening. “Wanna help me with my artwork?”
It wasn’t really anything special. There was nothing particularly notable that day, but it changed the trajectory of both of their lives forever.
A few weeks later, James’s life changed again, though he hardly knew it at the time.
He was ecstatic when he discovered that Sirius had moved into the house only one down from his own. Even though his parents had seemed cross and stiff when James along with his mum and dad brought over a dessert for a late housewarming gift. Sirius’s parents hadn’t wanted to talk, not of course, until the stilted conversation, (only holding on thanks to James’s parents and their easygoing smiles) turned to work and suddenly the Black’s iciness thawed when they discovered that the Potters were quite affluent and successful in their own right. James, only a kid, hardly picked up on the fact that their smiles were still forced. All he cared enough was that for the time being, the Blacks believed James was good enough to play with their son.
The next life-changing event happened on a Sunday morning. James was in his front yard, riding his bike up and down when Sirius appeared.
“Hello,” Sirius greeted, grey eyes wide. “Can you play?”
“Course!” James grinned, poking his tongue through the gap in his mouth where his new adult tooth was growing in. “Your parents said it’s alright?” he asked because he’d learned Sirius’s parents were far stricter than his own.
“My parents are at church, my au pair sent us out,” Sirius smiled proudly.
“Us?”
“Yeah!” Sirius said excitedly. “My brother, Reggie!” He stepped to the side revealing a little boy, a bit younger than Sirius with the same large grey eyes and dark hair. However, his curls were tighter bouncing in his face as he looked up at James hesitantly. Unlike Sirius, Reggie didn’t say a word and James didn’t think much of it. He didn’t want to play with babies, but Sirius was his friend and he seemed excited that his brother was here.
“Hi, Reggie, I’m James.”
“ Reg-u-lus, ” the little boy said quietly, annunciating every syllable.
“Huh?”
“That’s his name, Regulus,” Sirius explained. “He gets all prickly if other people call him Reggie.”
“So, I have to call you Regulus?”
“Yes,” Regulus whispered in reply. Despite the volume of his voice, his eyes were blazing, and Sirius laughed, clearly used to his antics.
“C’mon, let’s play before Mother and Father get back,” Sirius urged. “I know you’ll like James, Reggie.”
Young Regulus didn’t seem so sure about that, but he nodded stiffly anyway and trailed Sirius around the rest of the day.
After that, Regulus was just there in his life, and James didn’t really think much about it.
Present day
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“You can’t just punch people, Pads.”
“I didn’t punch him,” Sirius mumbled, grimacing as James grabbed him by the jaw to stop him from moving.
James raised an eyebrow as he dabbed at Sirius’s bloody lip with a wet cloth. "Really?”
“Yes! He swung at me first Prongs! I pushed him back, didn’t even throw a punch, and believe me, I wanted to break that fucker’s nose! Who does he think he is—”
“Sirius,” Remus’s voice was soft, but it did the trick.
Sirius instantly broke off as Remus’s brow furrowed, warm brown eyes heavy as he touched Sirius’s shoulder. He peered down to look at the damage when James withdrew.
“Don’t look at me like that Moony,” Sirius said, and it was the slight shake in his words that had both Remus and James pausing, knowing the inevitable next step was coming.
Sirius had been a statue since the news had broken, a ghost of himself. Barely there, barely existing. Now the anger was emerging, and there was surely more to come. James didn’t think they’d see the other side of this before Sirius inevitably trashed some room. James only hoped it’d be in a private space and not at the wake.
In between that anger, James saw the real thing, the grief, the unimaginable anguish of losing the person Sirius had loved longest. Probably the first person he'd ever loved. It’d ruin him when he allowed himself to finally feel it.
“Like what, Pads?” Remus asked.
“Like you pity me.” The shake lessened, his shoulders squaring like he was looking for a fight, and James knew the moment when Sirius felt his grief, wasn’t now.
“I don’t pity you,” Remus said calmly, unshakable as ever. “I’m concerned because your face is bleeding everywhere, I think I’m allowed that, am I not?”
Sirius looked like he wanted to fight but the thing was, for all their bickering and explosive arguments over the years, Sirius couldn’t fight if Remus wasn’t in it equally. Now, he was simply standing there, without a trace of anger in his frame, and after a moment Sirius deflated.
James put the towel aside, frowning as he looked down at his own hands. They were clean. Sirius had barely been bleeding but for some reason, James was sure they were supposed to be stained with blood.
“Are you alright?”
James’s head jerked up, turning to look at Sirius. “Me?” he asked after a moment of surprised silence.
“Yeah, are you alright Prongs?”
“I’m fine,” James said quickly, swallowing the dryness that was building in his throat. “Course I’m fine.”
Sirius frowned. “It’s just that—”
“Stop,” James said quickly, and Sirius froze.
“James…”
“No,” James replied firmly. “Don’t. ‘ It’s just’ nothing, there is nothing to talk about. I’m fine, please don’t make this into something—”
“I’m not ‘making’ it into anything, Prongs you never talk about—”
“And I’m not about to start!”
James didn’t mean to raise his voice. He so rarely did these days that it was enough to leave a frozen silence between them for a moment.
“…Why don’t we get back?” Remus suggest quietly after a second, and Sirius quickly stood, turning away.
He didn’t look back and James wondered which was worse, the fact that Sirius didn’t know the full story, or the fallout if he did.
Twelve years earlier
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If anyone asked, James would say he and Sirius grew up together. By extension, so did Regulus, but James didn’t really think of it like that. Sure, Regulus was around for most of it, but James didn’t notice him much, not for a long time.
Sirius felt like James’s brother, they spent so much time together it might as well have been true. Regulus never felt like a brother.
And yeah, James knew him, knew him very well. That happens when you meet someone at such a young age, no matter how much you like each other.
Because that… that was the big thing. James didn’t mind Regulus at all, but Regulus, on the other hand, hated James’s guts. Always had, and probably always would. It was a fact of life, the grass was green, the sun rose every morning, set every night, and Regulus Black hated James Potter.
Sirius always found this amusing, James never really cared. It was fun at least to watch Regulus scowl, to make fun of him alongside Sirius.
So, James never really cared, not until That Night happened.
That Night was a night so terrible that the capital T and capital N were required whenever one was referring to it, not that anyone often did. It was a night so awful that even Sirius with his penchant for joking about his trauma, rarely spoke of it. It was a night that still, even over a decade later, would make James sick to his stomach when he thought about it.
The doorbell had rung late, and thinking that it was the neighbor in search of her cat again, teenage James had padded down the stairs ready to be very pissed. Instead, he opened the door to see Sirius Black, hair dripping from the rain, blood, smeared on his face. His left arm was tucked into his stomach, at an angle that James didn’t think an arm was supposed to go. Despite that, he was using the other hand to firmly grip a struggling Regulus by the arm.
“Let me go, let me go, let me go,” Regulus was whispering. He had a dark bruise on his jaw and a scowl on his face, but most surprising was the tears, painting his face as he shivered, trying to wrench himself from Sirius’s grip.
For a moment James had stood there stupidly, the world crashing down around him.
The thing was, James, hadn’t known.
Sure, he’d known that the Blacks were a cruel lot. His parents didn’t like Sirius’s at all, and Walburga and Orion had only gotten crueler over the years. They’d become more hateful to James and his parents, always referring to him as “the awful Potter boy.” There’d been many instances where Sirius had been banned from seeing James for weeks at a time, locked in the house, with no contact. But Sirius always found his way out, returning with a grin and a shifty Regulus in tow.
Sure, Sirius complained about his family constantly. But it was always about how strict they were, how much they expected from Sirius and their hateful ideals. Not once did Sirius mention the beatings.
“I’m anemic,” Sirius used to tell James when he pointed out a bruise. “I’m clumsy,” he said when James frowned at a wound or injury. And James? He lived in a house where the idea of a parent hurting their child was unimaginable, so he believed it.
He believed it until Sirius turned up beaten half to death on his doorstep.
Everything was a blur. James remembered screaming for his parents and after that, it was a mess of moments. Doctors appointments, whispered discussions, police, and then days spent in court. So many lawyers and arguments and nights when Sirius would cry into James’s chest and Regulus wouldn’t speak at all.
All James really remembered was praying to the ceiling every night that everything would be okay.
Then, eventually, it was.
By summer, the Black brothers were safely in the Potter’s care, and Walburga and Orion Black were somewhere far away. James, even at that age was too young to really understand, and he was more focused on taking care of his friends than he was on the legal proceedings.
Sirius settled in quickly, already so comfortable in the Potter’s home, but Regulus was another story.
James thought he knew the younger Black brother, despite Regulus’s distaste for him, but suddenly there was this wall between them. As if James hadn’t grown up with Regulus too.
In June, James’s mum announced they were moving. Once he would have been upset, he grew up in this house, it was the only home he’d ever known. But things were different, James was different after That Night. He didn’t mind moving because then he wouldn’t have to see the Black’s now empty house every time he went outside. He wouldn’t have to watch how Sirius would refuse to turn his head, act like it didn’t even exist, and Regulus’s gaze would often snag on it, dark eyes unreadable.
So, James smiled, he excitedly started a conversation about how he would decorate his new room and how he hoped they had a big yard. James’s parents sighed in quiet relief, and nobody really talked about why they were moving.
On a muggy summer day, they moved. The new house itself was beautiful but not grand or obnoxious. Big enough for them all but still homey and cozy. The best part was the land.
The yard, as James had hoped, was huge. Their closest neighbors were a good ten-minute walk away and the house was surrounded by trees and nature. James loved it. The first thing he did–despite his mother scolding him to unload his bags from the car–was flop happily into the grass, staring up at the vast sky.
His view was interrupted by a shadow and James gasped as his bag was thrown onto his stomach, causing him to shoot up.
“C’mon,” Regulus rolled his eyes, the sun painted a halo around his face, and James blinked up at him, strangely unable to look away. “I’m not carrying your things.”
James just grinned, grabbing his bag, and scrambling up to follow Regulus inside where his parents and Sirius already were.
Sirius, who made it into the house first, got the best pick of rooms but James didn’t really mind. He let Regulus pick which of the remaining ones he wanted, ignoring him when he insisted he didn’t want to. Eventually, Regulus choose the one with the largest window, painting the room in warmth as the sun shone through. James felt satisfied with himself when he caught Regulus staring out it in awe.
“How are you going to decorate?” James asked leaning in the doorway. “Mum says we can go shopping tomorrow and pick out some things for our rooms. What do you think you want?”
“Dunno,” Regulus mumbled only looking at James for a second before looking away.
“Well, what do you like?”
Regulus only shrugged. Sirius would have gotten cross with Regulus by now, but James was always far more patient when Regulus got like this. It probably had something to do with not being brothers.
“Hm…” James said thinking hard. “You like stars, and music right? Books too? We can get you those glow-in-the-dark stars, maybe some posters.”
“Aren’t those stars for babies?” Regulus crossed his arms finally looking James in the eye.
“Nah, they’re for whoever wants them.”
“Fine,” Regulus mumbled, “but I don’t want any posters.”
“What? No artists you like?” James didn’t know what music Regulus listened to, or even what instrument he played (maybe piano? He was pretty sure that was it), only that he’d had lessons twice a week for as long as James had known him and always had some notebook full of music notes and scribbled words in his lap.
“I don’t want posters,” Regulus repeated. “Just music.”
James didn’t really know what he meant by that. Maybe he should get Regulus some records, or a Walkman? Regulus would be fifteen at the end of June and James tucked that thought away for later.
The next day they went to the shops and Regulus got the glow-in-the-dark stars while James smiled happily.
Two weeks later, James’s mum sent him into town for some errands, giving him a little bit of extra money to spend on himself as a treat. James thought about buying himself something fun, a game or some new gear for football, that is, until the window display in a second-hand shop stopped him dead.
There, glinting in the window, was a guitar and James suddenly knew exactly what he was going to get Regulus for his birthday.
Well, until he stepped inside the shop and saw the price tag.
“Can I help you?”
James spun with a frown. “No, no,” he said quickly. “I wanted to buy this for my friend, but I don’t have enough money.” He told the shopkeeper, a tall older man.
“How much you got kid?”
James dug into his pockets holding out the money his mum had given him, and the man nodded. “Ah so not enough for this one,” he gestured to the guitar in the window, “but I might have something for you.”
James brightened and followed the man into the back of the shop where he presented him with a much older, more beat-up acoustic guitar. It was scratched and faded, but James instantly loved it.
“Not exactly a beauty, but it plays nice,” the man remarked. He wasn’t really selling it, but James was a teenager and on limited funds, so he nodded excitedly.
“That’s perfect!” He exclaimed.
Sneaking the guitar into the house without Regulus noticing was a feat, but James did it, feeling very satisfied with himself.
He spent the next few days anxiously waiting for Regulus’s birthday to arrive until finally, as soon as the clock struck midnight on the 25th, he couldn’t wait any longer. He jumped out of bed, grabbed the guitar from his closet, and headed down the hall, knocking softly on Regulus’s door.
Regulus didn’t answer but James knew he stayed up late, so after a moment he pushed to door open, peering inside.
The lamp beside Regulus’s bed was on and he looked up with a scowl closing the notebook he was holding with a snap. “What?”
“Happy birthday,” James whispered.
Regulus blinked, his brow furrowed. “Huh?”
“it’s your birthday.”
“I know that,” Regulus said crossly “but it’s midnight.”
“Yes, and? I have your present, can I come in?”
Regulus frowned for a second longer before nodding slowly and James broke into a grin.
“Okay, I couldn’t really wrap it, so close your eyes.”
Regulus looked like he wanted nothing less but after a moment and a very dramatic sigh, he did as he was told. James bounded into the room shutting the door behind him before sitting on the edge of his bed.
“Okay, open them.”
Regulus did, blinking for a second like he couldn’t comprehend what he was looking at. “You got me a guitar?” he asked slowly.
James instantly felt self-conscious.“I mean, yeah? I wasn’t sure if you played. I was pretty certain it was piano you studied, but I figure what’s one instrument once you know another?”
“I- I do play piano, but I know how to play guitar as well… I don’t have much practice though.”
“Well, now you can practice!”
Regulus swallowed, reaching out to brush his fingers over the strings. “Thanks,” he whispered, and suddenly any uncertainty evaporated. James knew Regulus well enough to tell how grateful he was despite his blank face.
“Play something,” James requested, tucking his feet up so he was sitting crisscross on Regulus’s bed.
“It’s midnight.”
“Play quietly.”
“I only really know classical pieces, nothing I could play on guitar—”
“Make something up, I don’t care it’s not like I’ll know the difference,” James told him.
After a second, Regulus reached out, pulling the guitar onto his lap. He hesitated before plucking the strings tilting his head as he listened before fiddling with the knobs on the top.
“How do you know what’s the right note?” James asked as Regulus began to tune it, plucking the same string until he seemed satisfied with the pitch then moving on to the next.
“It’s E, A, D, G, B, and then the high E,” Regulus murmured, nodding his head to the strings absently as he continued tuning. “I just know in my head what the notes sound like.”
James didn’t really know what any of that meant, but he nodded watching entranced as Regulus finished the last string and then strummed them all together, nodding in satisfaction.
Regulus played a chord hesitantly, frowning at the muted sound. “I- I haven’t really played in a long time, my fingers aren’t strong enough anymore,” he said quietly but James just shook his head.
“Well now you can practice, and I still think it sounds nice,” James said encouragingly.
Slowly, Regulus started to pluck out a melody on the strings, grimacing when the notes didn’t ring out quite right. James kind of liked it like that, he thought he’d like anything Regulus played. The notes were soft and sweet in the quiet night.
“I like it,” James whispered when Regulus played the final note, letting it ring out.
“I need practice.”
“Shhhh,” James said laying back on Regulus’s bed and closing his eyes. “Play something else.”
Regulus obliged, this time without argument and James wound up falling asleep in his room that night.
--
“Move over,” James looked up from the book he’d been flipping through, squinting in the sun to make out Regulus’s face.
He didn’t argue, scooting so Regulus could sit against the tree next to him. He had his guitar strapped to his back and he set it down, crossing his legs and pulling it into his lap.
Regulus had quickly improved at the guitar, the first few weeks he’d played until his finger bled and James’s mum had to insist he took a break.
Something had shifted, even Sirius had noticed it.
“Thanks, James,” he’d whispered one night as they watched Regulus play quietly from across the room.
“Hm?”
“For getting that thing for Reggie, I really think he’s finally settling in. I was worried for a while there.”
James knew that. Everyone had been worried. Regulus was always quiet and sharp, never quite able to relax. But now, over the last few weeks, he’d been… well, it was hard to explain. Regulus seemed more like himself, but not a version of himself that James had ever known. The other boy had always been quiet, but now he was a bit more open. He was willing to talk to James at night when they spent hours sprawled on Regulus’s bed chatting about nothing. Willing to help Effie cook and read books with Monty, even his bickering with Sirius had subsided.
The shift between James and Regulus felt unimaginable.
Regulus was still mean to James, sure, but it didn’t feel so serious. Almost more like Regulus enjoyed poking fun at James just to see him smile. James didn’t mind, he quite liked it. He liked having Regulus’s time and attention, liked that the younger boy would seek him out to spend time together now.
Like now. Even though Regulus could easily practice inside, he’d come out to sit with James instead. Sirius had been in the middle of an hour-long rant to Effie about some band he liked and James didn’t have strong enough feelings on the matter to sit there after the first hour had passed. Instead, he’d gone to read somewhere quieter.
James turned his attention back to his book, not thinking much as Regulus began to play, occasionally stopping to write something down in his notebook.
It wasn’t until James registered Regulus humming that his head shot up. Regulus didn’t seem to notice, still humming under his breath. His voice wasn’t perfect, in fact, it was a little raspy and caught in places as Regulus softly sang a few words to himself before pausing to scribble them down.
Seeming to realize James had gone still, Regulus looked up, his brow furrowed. “What?”
“You can sing?”
“No,” Regulus instantly frowned, “I can’t.”
“You absolutely can, I heard you.”
“No, it’s not nice enough, too rough, not close enough in pitch—”
“I mean you don’t sound like an opera singer, but you sound plenty nice,” James interrupted. “It suits you. Do you have words to these songs you’re always working on?”
“…Yes.”
“Sing one for me?”
Regulus sighed but after a second, he indulged James as he always seemed to do, singing quietly. James didn’t pick out many of the lyrics, something about making it count and hollow breaths, he was too busy listening in awe to the timbre of Regulus’s voice, low and scratchy.
That was the first time James got to hear one of Regulus’s songs, it wouldn’t be the last.
--
Present day
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“We’re going to your parents, yeah?” Peter asked as they piled into the car.
“Yeah,” James muttered. “My mum suggested it and I think Sirius wants to be home right now.”
“It’s probably best,” James’s dad said quietly, turning to look at Peter and Remus in the back seat.
James glanced over his shoulder at Sirius who was still standing in the parking lot, his mouth in a thin line as he had a stilted conversation with his mother. Effie was right there, watching with sharp eyes, and after a moment, Sirius turned away and Effie put an arm around his shoulder leading him to the car.
James’s mum and Sirius both piled into the back, and Sirius squeezed in next to Remus who immediately squeezed his knee. Monty turned the radio on as James pulled the van out of the parking lot.
“—and if you taste my blood, better make it count—”
James’s hand was out to turn it off in an instant, hitting the button so hard there was a loud crack and suddenly everyone froze.
“James—” his dad began but James cut him off.
“Let’s not listen to the radio,” he said around the lump in his throat not taking his eyes off the road.
James didn’t cry, you don’t cry over people you don’t know.
Eleven years earlier
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That summer was a dream.
Looking back, James often wondered if any of it had happened at all. Because something careful and sacred had grown between Regulus and James. They’d become close, intertwined together in a way James never knew how to voice.
They didn’t touch it, not really. But James knew it existed in the quiet moments when it was only the two of them and nothing else.
James knew something unmistakable had shifted the first time he’d poked Regulus thoughtlessly and the other boy hadn’t immediately jumped. Regulus Black, who only ever let Sirius touch him, didn’t protest James’s touch. So, it started, small touches, a careful question. August bled into September and sometimes, only when it was late or the day was quiet, Regulus would answer. The briefest brush of his hand on the back of James’s neck, a casual poke, stepping a little too close just for a second.
Neither of them mentioned it, James didn’t even know what it was.
When school started, James and Sirius met Remus Lupin.
They’d been sat next to him by chance, at a table in the back of the classroom. Remus had immediately shot them a scathing look, clocking them as troublemakers from the start, but two months later when James and Sirius had been planning a prank on their teacher, Remus had cut in. Quickly, he’d taken their faulty plan and turned it into a prank that people talked about for the rest of the school year.
To say James met Peter then would be wrong, because as they quickly discovered on the first day of the year, James and Peter had actually gone to nursery school together and quickly reconnected. After that, the four of them became inseparable and caused their teachers a great deal of lasting trauma.
Regulus was still there, always there. He’d hang out with them on occasion, slipping into the room at times whenever they all hung out at the Potter’s. Regulus formed a quiet sort of friendship with Remus and they often spent time studying together or reading whatever fancy books they liked.
For a while, the warm high from summer lingered, that was until Halloween.
See, James it turned out had quite a few Nights, capital N.
Nights when something shifted. When something changed, flipping everything on its head.
Halloween didn’t feel like one of those nights. It was just Halloween, they’d all been lounging in James’s living room, lamenting their lack of proper plans when Remus had sat up.
“Well, I did hear about a party.”
They were teenagers, they all perked up at that.
“Really?” Sirius questioned. “Where at?”
“You know Lucas Jackman’s brother? He’s in uni, they’re throwing a party and Jackman said he’d be there, invited me and some of the other people in maths today.”
“Remus!” Sirius jumped up. “Why didn’t you say so sooner? C’mon, let’s go! Do you think the girls will be there?”
“Mary said she’d go, so I’m sure Marlene and Lily will as well,” Remus shrugged.
Sirius spun to shoot James a knowing look. “James, Evans will be there.”
Before James could react, his eyes were drawn to a figure leaning in the doorway, arms crossed.
“Hey, Reg,” James ignored the way Sirius frowned, unsure of what his problem was.
“You lot are being too loud,” Regulus complained, lips twisted into a scowl.
Sirius seemed to have recovered from whatever had afflicted him a moment before because his frown quickly morphed into a grin. “Reggie! We’re going to a party, come with us!”
The thing was, Sirius and Regulus’s relationship had been strained for a long time, even before they left their parents. After, it’d been a warzone. Sirius had wanted his brother, needed to be close to him at all times and Regulus had wanted to be locked alone in his room without any human contact. Over the summer, they’d slowly become more comfortable. Regulus had come out of his shell a little, but he was still withdrawn, and Sirius was still the one trying to reach out over the gap between them.
Normally, Regulus pulled back. This time, because fate was laughing above them, Regulus had sighed, but under Sirius’s pleading gaze, nodded slowly. “Fine,” he muttered and Sirius jumped up and down in glee.
“Yes! C’mon, we’ve got to get dressed!”
“I am dressed,” Regulus frowned, but Sirius paid no attention, grabbing his brother by the arm.
Regulus sent James a pleading look, over Sirius’s shoulder, but James just laughed as Sirius started to drag him away.
--
James loved parties. He loved the noise, the people, he loved getting drunk enough that everything blurred.
That was probably the first red flag, James loved being drunk. He loved feeling fuzzy, he loved when the constant monologue in his brain finally shut up.
It got exhausting, to hear those thoughts looping in his brain every moment of every day.
I’m not good enough. My friends don’t really like me. I’m a burden to my parents. People think I’m annoying. I’m too loud, too cocky, my jokes aren’t funny. The people I love are in danger, they could get hurt. I have to protect them I have to take care of them. I can do better, it’s my fault. I should have known, why didn’t I know? How did I not?
Come, back, come back, come back. I’m not ready yet.
It went on and on and on. James Potter knew he was too much, he was too much for even himself, so how could anyone else stomach him?
Rather than ever facing any of this, James got louder and cockier. He tried to compensate, but he knew he couldn’t, so he might as well accept his fate. Accept that he was annoying, that he was too much to deal with, too hard to love.
His mum said he had a big heart. James thought that wasn’t quite it. Rather, he didn’t know how to not love everything he touched. He didn’t know how to live without it. He grasped onto people, fingers digging in until he left scratches in their skin when he finally let go. He was useless without other people, a futile flame trying its best to flicker next to the people around him. The one good thing he had was his love, so the least James could do was give it out freely. Love every person he came in contact with and hope at least some parts were good.
So, James liked to drink. At parties mostly, but occasionally he’d sneak a bottle of alcohol from his parents and sip it, lying on the floor of his room until he was too drunk to think straight.
Maybe that was a sign, maybe even if things had happened differently it would have gone to shit anyway.
James got a little drunk that night, just a little. Mostly, he stayed with Regulus who lingered on the edges of the room, unable to ever let his stiff shoulders relax. James stayed, fingers finding Regulus’s wrist. Fuzzy enough to not even notice the way Regulus’s breath hitched as James rubbed the pad of his thumb over Regulus’s pulse.
Eventually, they all ended up in the basement and somebody was passing around unknown pills.
“What is it?” Peter asked hesitantly and the man who was a little older than them only grinned.
“Good stuff.”
Peter and Remus both declined, but Sirius accepted, and James did too without a second thought. Regulus hesitated but after watching James pop the tablet in his mouth, he did the same.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault, that’s what James would try to tell himself years later.
But the image of Regulus following his lead would be ingrained in his brain until the day he died. It felt like his fault.
James didn’t feel anything shift, but somewhere, a door had opened.
Ten years earlier
⋆｡°✩
Regulus started playing shows that year.
He got an electric guitar for Christmas and that night, in the quiet of Regulus’s bedroom he’d whispered to James that he wanted to play for people. He wanted to make music. To leave some trace of himself behind even if no one ever knew his name.
So, the next day James had gone looking, he’d asked around until he found some places that accepted performers.
It started off small, little places, open mics, and bars with no more than two or three people in the audience. Slowly, however, Regulus began to build a name for himself locally. He met a few other guys and started playing as a band. By the end of the school year, he was playing almost every weekend and the audience was filling up.
Over the summer, they started going to bigger cities and before James really knew what was happening, Regulus was a fucking rockstar.
In the beginning, only James and Regulus knew about these shows, because Regulus was slightly embarrassed by them, but eventually, they couldn’t keep it secret.
“Just be safe,” Effie had said when she heard. “You’re an incredible musician Regulus and I’m so happy for you. Careful in those places though, I know how it is, I was a kid once too. All those drugs and violence.” However, she didn’t try to stop them either. Effie Potter was a wonderful woman, she trusted them. That was probably a mistake.
The first time Sirius came with them, James watched him in the dim light, his mouth open in awe.
“Bloody fucking hell, my baby brother is cool.”
James had thrown his head back and laughed.
Sirius and Remus started this weird dance around each other that summer, so they didn’t always come to Regulus’s shows, but James did. He was always there.
Now, he leaned against the brick wall in an alley, the thump of muffled music coming from inside the building. James wiped at his nose with the back of his hand, grimacing at the faint burn around his nostrils.
James was far too sober at the moment and every thought was sharp, piercing through his brain. Some girl had been putting her hands all over Regulus and James couldn’t stomach it.
Resisting the urge to bang his head against the brick wall, James pulled out a cigarette and lit it, taking a long drag.
He didn’t turn his head as the door banged open expecting some asshole who’d gotten too drunk and come out to throw up. James only straightened when the cigarette was plucked from his fingers and then Regulus Black was standing in front of him, blowing smoke into James’s face.
“Why’d you leave?” Regulus asked and his pupils were blown wide enough that James could tell he was high.
“Hot in there,” James mumbled. And he didn’t ask what had happened to that girl.
“Wanna get high?”
“Are you not?”
“Could be higher,” Regulus mumbled and James quite liked that idea.
The thing about the depths of the music scene was that it gave you surprisingly easy access to constant substance abuse. In fact, it was so incredibly normalized, that’d it take James a long to realize that this wasn’t normal at all.
Present day
⋆｡°✩
Dinner was absolutely awful.
Effie and Monty tried to keep up some semblance of conversation with Peter and Remus as help, but Sirius looked two seconds from flipping the table and James couldn’t make the haze in his brain let him participate.
“—remember Prongs?”
James lifted his head. “Huh?”
Peter tilted his head, his small smile wavering for a moment before he steadied it. “I was just talking about Lily and Mary, how they moved in together. Was thinking about when you went to that formal with Lily, it was a disaster.”
James paused. “I went to formal with Lily?”
This time Peter’s smile did drop. “Yeah, in our last year of school. You don’t remember that?”
“No,” James said quietly. “I thought I didn’t go to that formal.”
Peter looked at a loss, but Remus was quick to assist. “You did, I think you left halfway through.”
“You left and got so high my brother had to pull you out of a ditch and drag you home.” Sirius cut in, his eyes were focused on his untouched food and his voice was cold.
The air in the room chilled. Nobody dared to breathe for a moment.
“This isn’t my fault,” James managed to choke out, breaking the silence. He could hear his blood thrumming in his ears, his fingers were shaking in his lap.
Sirius looked up for the first time, eyes blazing. “Then say that like you believe it.” He said harshly.
“Hey!” Monty cut in quickly, “we can’t go around tossing blame—”
James didn’t wait for his father to intervene, pushing his chair back with a loud scrape. “I’m sorry for killing your brother,” he spat before turning and leaving the room without a backward glance.
“James—” his mum called after him, but James ignored it, slamming the front door behind him as he hurried out of the house. Past the tree he used to sit under, past the yard he’d wished for forever in. The room he’d fallen in love in.
James didn’t look, getting in his car and peeling out of the driveway.
He made it halfway to London, eyes stinging until suddenly he couldn’t breathe and he had to pull over. The night was dark, and the road was empty as James threw himself onto the asphalt.
James fell to his knees, and he screamed.
Notes:
I've finished writing this so I'll probably just update it every day until I've posted it all :)
Anyway, it's late so I'll come back and double-check everything tomorrow. In the meantime, I hope you like it.
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
Eight years earlier
⋆｡°✩
If you notice a skip, that would be because James didn’t really remember the last year.
It wasn’t even really the drugs. There would be points in James's life after where he was high constantly, and those he remembered well enough. But that last year… James’s therapist said it was probably a trauma response, blocking it all out.
He remembered something between Sirius and Remus, a prank gone wrong. He remembered he didn’t speak to Sirius for half of the year. He knew Frank Longbottom, one of Regulus’s musician friends and something of a mentor to James had overdosed and James had been there. James only knew that however, because Regulus had said so. He couldn’t recall any of it and he hoped he never would.
His parents had been worried after that, they hadn’t wanted him to go away to uni, but they still didn’t know about James’s drug habit.
Regulus and James had a pact, no one could know. If something was wrong, they only called each other. Sure, Sirius, Remus, and Peter knew they both used, but plenty of people did. Sirius often did too if they were going out. The difference was that for Sirius, and occasionally Remus, it was an every-so-often thing. Something for partying and having fun. James and Regulus relied on drugs just to function.
For a long time, sure, some people knew, but no one viewed it as a problem. Not at first.
So, James had gone to university near London, and Sirius and Remus who’d eventually made up, had followed as well, getting a flat together in the city.
Regulus, who’d left behind his old bandmates and started playing with a new group, had quickly outgrown local venues. London was the place for him to be, so he moved in with James and suddenly it was just the two of them. No prying eyes, no one to stop them.
James was on the sofa textbook untouched on the table when the light switched on. He blinked squinting as Regulus shut the front door behind him, dropping his guitar case on the ground.
“How was band practice?” James asked, blinking tiredly.
“Fine,” Regulus stepped into the living room, he smelled like smoke and sweat, and James wanted to lick him.
“C’mere,” James mumbled.
Regulus, long used to how touchy James was, obeyed, dropping onto the sofa at James’s feet.
That wasn’t good enough for James and he reached out, pulling Regulus by the arm until he was laying on top of him. Regulus lifted himself with one arm so he was hovering over James. They didn’t have many boundaries, but this was one they’d never really crossed. They’d both toed the line for years, but neither seemed ready to step over it.
James didn’t know what made this night different, but his head was swimming and Regulus was right there. His curls were longer than they’d ever been, his eyes wide, glittering in the dim light, lips parted. James couldn’t help himself, couldn’t stop his fingers from wandering, brushing Regulus’s back, finding each knob of his spine.
His breath hitched as James's fingers danced along his sides, coming down to Regulus’s hips and slipping under his shirt. James’s hands splayed out on the bare skin of Regulus’s abdomen. James felt Regulus’s muscles jump at his touch and suddenly Regulus was shooting up, jumping off of James.
James sat up, head spinning. “Reg? What—”
“Don’t,” Regulus hissed, dark eyes blazing as he stepped backward, putting distance between them.
“Regulus—”
“No, no, no. Don’t play with me, James. Don’t be mean.”
James stood as well. “I’m not playing.”
“You are! I won’t be another one of your escapades.”
“You’re not,” James blinked trying to compute what the fuck Regulus was talking about.
“I know because I won’t let you do this. You bring someone new home every fucking week and I’m not going to be another tally for you to check off!”
“No,” James said sharply. “I bring them home because they’re not you.”
“That doesn’t make any sense—”
James stepped closer and Regulus didn’t step back this time but he was still tense, a ball of energy as he stared James down. “They’re not you, they could never be you. All I want is you, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I don’t believe you,” Regulus whispered his voice hoarse, but he didn’t stop James from stepping closer.
“You have to know,” James whispered. “You have to know you’re all I’ve wanted since I was sixteen.”
“You’ve had me,” Regulus choked out.
James paused. “Have I?” he whispered.
Regulus licked his lips, nodding. “Always.”
And that was all James needed to push Regulus up against the living room wall and kiss him like if he didn’t, it’d kill him. Regulus didn’t protest this time, responding without hesitation, his fingers tugging at James’s hair, pulling him down.
There wasn’t any more talking after that as James ripped off his shirt, mouthing over every bit of skin he could touch. Down Regulus’s jaw to his neck, making a trail down his abdomen. James dropped to his knees.
They wouldn’t really speak about it after, but James would never bring someone else home again.
--
“I’ve missed you, boys!” Effie exclaimed, making her rounds as she pressed kisses to all their foreheads, hugging them tightly. “It’s been so quiet around here.”
James tried to swallow his guilt. He hadn’t visited nearly as much as he should have since moving out.
“Sorry Effie,” Sirius frowned letting his head fall onto her shoulder. “Being an adult is crazy, no one told me it’d be this hard.”
“Everyone told you,” Remus rolled his eyes, but he had a faint smile on his lips.
Lunch was a warm affair. Everyone had something to say to catch the Potters up on their adventures and the sun shone brightly in the sky. James couldn’t help but feel at ease for the first time in a long time, and he was struck with homesickness. He loved his flat, he loved London and living with Regulus. Even uni wasn’t so terrible when James bothered to go to classes. However, none of this was the same as this house, as being with his parents, his entire family.
His mum forced Regulus to talk about his band for a good hour before he finally escaped her interrogation ducking his head as he leaned back in his chair.
James held his hand under the table, fingers tracing shapes over his knuckles as it became Peter’s turn to scrounge up every detail of his life since they’d last talked.
No one but Regulus noticed when James stood quietly, heading out the front yard and into the grass where he lay down, looking up at the vast sky. His view was interrupted by a shadow and James gasped as Regulus suddenly plopped down on top of him.
“Hello?” James muttered in amusement once the shock had faded.
Regulus didn’t respond, only wrapped his arms around James’s waist and nuzzled his nose into James’s neck.
“You’re coming to my show tomorrow?” Regulus asked as if it were a possibility James wouldn’t.
James didn’t much like Regulus’s newer bandmates, Rosier and Crouch both had an attitude problem, Crouch, especially. However, the bassist Pandora was alright, a little strange but friendly enough. Still, James didn’t love spending time with them, he preferred it just be him and Regulus, but he’d be there anyway.
Grinning, James hummed like he was considering. “I don’t know… that depends on what I get out of it.”
Without skipping a beat Regulus leaned back so they were face to face. “Sex.”
“I don’t know…” James sighed. “Not sure that’s good enough,”
“So much sex, I’ll let you do anything you want.”
James raised an eyebrow. “Do you not do that already?”
Regulus scoffed but they both knew Regulus would give James anything he wanted; it was the same for James. They were two bared souls, a livewire always humming between them. No secrets and these days, not a single barrier.
“I mean, I’ll take the sex…” James continued. “But no I want something else.”
“What’s that?” Regulus sighed.
“Write me a song.”
Regulus raised his eyebrows. “How do you know every song isn’t already about you?”
That gave James a pause. “No, they can’t be.”
“Some of them are.”
That caused James to sit up halfway, his mouth falling open. “Really? Which ones?”
“I’m not telling,” Regulus said smugly, “but I’ll write you another if you want it so badly.”
“Do,” James said quickly and he couldn’t really think straight as the edges of a smile graced Regulus’s perfect lips.
James figured the only thing to do now was kiss that smile and he pulled Regulus down, fingers twisting through his dark curls. As violent and intense as they were, sometimes they were soft too. The gentle touch of Regulus’s hand on James’s jaw, the easy ebb and flow as Regulus pressed forward and James went wherever he wanted.
“I want you forever,” James mumbled into Regulus’s lips as the other man nosed his cheek.
“You have me forever,” Regulus murmured. “There’s no one else.”
A cough startled them both and they broke apart, hearts beating wildly to see Effie Potter standing on the porch with raised eyebrows. “Come have dessert boys,” was all she said, a knowing smile on her lips as she turned away.
She didn’t comment on the matter, but James was on edge for the rest of the day. It was only as they were leaving that she grabbed her son by the arm. “You be careful, sweetheart.” She said gently. “You two have always loved each other so much that you forget about the rest of the world.”
James blinked, looking to everyone else who was already at the car, out of earshot.
“Are you saying you don’t approve?”
“Of course not,” his mum said reaching out to smooth down his hair. “I love you both dearly and I’m happy for you. I’m just saying it’s too important not to be careful with it. Be careful with yourself, your love, and with Regulus’s as well.”
The thing was, she was a smart woman. She probably knew far more than James realized, but at the time, he hadn’t thought much of her warning.
--
Regulus did write James a song.
James had mostly been joking, so it was a bit of a shock the next night when in between songs, Regulus pushed his sweaty curls off his forehead and leaned into the mic.
“This next one is brand new,” Regulus said his voice low. He’d long since mastered turning his quiet, more withdrawn side into something charming and mysterious on stage and James loved it. There was something incredible about seeing Regulus comfortable in himself.
The crowd whistled and screamed in excitement and Crouch grinned wickedly strumming his guitar loudly. Regulus didn’t react, just waited for them to quiet down. The band, Slytherin, as they now called themselves, had made quite a name in London. Still, James was often surprised when he remembered how many diehard fans they had on the local scene.
“I wrote this about the best lay I’ve ever had.” Next to James Sirius choked on his drink and Remus laughed at his expression. “Also, the other stuff too, but mostly the sex.” Regulus winked, and James delighted in the fact that nobody in the room knew that wink was just for James.
“He can’t be having sex!” Sirius exclaimed as the opening chords rang through the room. “He’s a child! Remus, somebody needs to stop him!”
Remus just shook his head putting his hand over Sirius’s mouth. “He’s an adult Padfoot—” Whatever else he was going to say was cut off as Rosier came in on the drums and suddenly the room erupted into noise.
James was pretty sure Sirius continued to bicker after that, but it was too loud to hear and James was far too focused on Regulus as the intro gave way to the first verse.
“Bite my throat, raise the gun. In between my lips, isn’t this fun?”
James was pretty sure he choked on his tongue as Regulus looked directly at him, his voice rough and unrestrained. A far cry from the fifteen-year-old boy who thought he had to sound perfect. Regulus made music messily. He painted the stage with his pain and desires, tearing his chest open for everyone to watch.
“Russian roulette, don’t you cheat.
If you want to die better take me.
Nobody knows, your spit tastes like denial.
Nobody knows, bring your friends, it tastes vile.
To pull my teeth, behind their backs
Forever is the sharpest desire I’ve ever had.”
The song picked up and the rest of the band came in loud and powerful. Regulus shouted the chorus into the mic, the sound reverberating somewhere inside James’s ribs.
“Make me yours I’ve always been.
Bend me to your will, since we were kids.
Marry me in the woods or eat my heart with your hands.
I’ll lick the meat of your teeth; I’ll be half of a man.
I’m yours!”
“I think Reggie might secretly be a cannibal,” Sirius mused, when the show had finished, and the band was in the back packing up. He was still upset over the idea of his brother being sexually active, but enough scolding from Remus had forced him to switch topics for the time being.
Remus sighed while Sirius put an arm around his shoulder, starting a long tangent about all the references to cannibalism in Regulus’s music.
James decided to leave them to it, heading towards the back of the venue to find Regulus.
“Potter,” Crouch greeted as James ducked into a dark hallway. He had his arm slung lazily around the back of Rosier’s neck, the other gripping a large amp.
“Crouch, Rosier,” James nodded. “Seen Reg?”
“In the back,” Crouch pointed behind them and James hummed in thanks before scooting past them.
Regulus was in the back room, curls hanging in his eyes, and he packed up his guitar, closing the case with a snap.
“Lovely new song that was,” James said causing Regulus to look up. “I wonder what gorgeous, sexy bloke it could have been about.”
“Hm, probably a stupid one who requested a song as payment for showing up tonight.”
James grinned widely. “Stupid but hot?”
Regulus sighed straightening as James stepped into the room, crowding him up against the wall. “On some days,” Regulus scoffed, looking at James as if he were disgusted by his mere existence. James didn’t mind, he knew that was Regulus Black code for I’m utterly obsessed and adore you.
James knew he was right because Regulus absolutely did not protest when James kissed him hard. In fact, his arms instantly went around James’s neck, rising to his tiptoes to get a better angle.
James broke the kiss first, leaning down to nose into Regulus’s cheek before pressing a kiss there and then another and one on his nose and forehead. Regulus, honest to god giggled when James pressed one last kiss underneath his eye. There was the sound of footsteps and they quickly broke apart. Regulus and James were a good, normal amount of space apart by the time Sirius and Remus appeared.
“Ready Reggie?” Sirius asked loudly, completely oblivious to what had been going on only a moment before. “I’m starving I need food and alcohol right now.”
“Hold on,” Regulus said, continuing to load up his gear as he’d been doing before James interrupted him. He straightened, looking around before seeming satisfied, he turned to James. “You got anything on you?”
“Course I do,” James pulled a small plastic bag out of his pocket handing it to Regulus who turned his back pulling out his keys.
James caught sight of Remus who was frowning hard and tore his gaze away from Regulus. “What?”
Remus, realizing he’d been caught turned to look at James. “I- don’t you think that can wait?”
Regulus sniffed, handing the bag back to James and raising his eyebrows. “Why?”
“We’re going to get drinks,” Remus pointed out. “You don’t need to get high before we do, you don’t need to get high at all.”
“It’s a Sunday night,” James said as he pocketed the bag. “Why not?”
“But it’s not just on Sunday nights,” Remus insisted crossing his arms. “It’s not just for fun. Sirius gets high for fun sometimes. You two are high constantly. Prongs you were taking drugs in the fucking car on the way to see your mum and dad yesterday, that isn’t normal!”
James scoffed. “It’s fine. You have no idea what you’re talking about Moony,” he turned away, grabbing Regulus’s amp for him. “C’mon Reg I don’t want to listen to this.”
Regulus’s mouth was twisted in an anguished expression, but he picked up his guitar and followed James, Sirius’s voice following as they left the room.
“I told you not to say anything Moony!” he hissed and James didn’t stick around to hear what Remus said in reply.
It was looking back at that moment, that James would wonder if he was the only one who didn’t know. If Regulus had been just as aware as Remus that the drug habit was bad, that it wasn’t normal. James was in denial. He’d convinced himself everything was fine for years now, even as he got more and more dependent on being high every second of every day.
James was terrified that Regulus had known, he just hadn’t cared.
Present day
⋆｡°✩
James didn’t leave his bed for four days.
The first, Remus had banged on his door until finally, after hours of no response, he’d given up. On the second, his phone rang. James ignored it, simply covering his ears with his pillow and screwing his eyes shut.
On the third day, there was silence.
On the fourth, he was awoken by the loud shrill of his phone ringing. With a frustrated groan, James threw himself out of bed and stomped down the hall, pulling the phone off the hook with more effort than was needed.
“What?” He snapped angrily.
“Jesus,” a voice scoffed from the other side of the line. “That’s not a particularly nice way to answer the phone.”
James paused, he’d expected it to be his parents or Remus maybe, not whoever this vaguely familiar voice was.
“Who is this?”
“Barty.”
“Barty…”
“Crouch,” the man sighed and James straightened suddenly.
“Crouch?” James repeated spine straightening in shock. James had never even liked Crouch, much less been friends. They’d tolerated each other but James didn’t think they’d ever even had a proper conversation.
“That’s what I just said.”
“No,” James rubbed his eyes tiredly. He was way too out of it for this shit. “I mean why are you calling me?”
“I tried to call your other half first but Sirius is still just as much a piece of shit as ever it seems. Wouldn’t pick up his phone.” Crouch said sounding unbothered by this. “Look, Potter, somebody needs to do something with Regulus’s stuff. His whole house needs to be cleared out. His brother is AWOL and I’m not letting his mother anywhere near this place, so I’m calling you. Now, I know being an idiot is second nature to you but quit it for a second and tell me if you’ll help or not.”
“You know we hadn’t spoken in years?” James asked.
“I told you to stop being an idiot,” Barty snapped. “We both know that’s not true. You still live near London right? Get your arse over here.”
James should have said no, he didn’t. Instead, he sighed. “Fine.”
“Good, I’ll see you soon. I’d offer you the address, but I don’t think you need it.”
He didn’t. Crouch hung up without saying goodbye.
--
James would have stood outside Regulus’s house for longer if Crouch hadn’t instantly opened the door and pulled him inside.
“Jesus Christ don’t just stand there,” Barty complained, shutting the door roughly. “The reporters have been lurking, they’ll be on you in a second. Fucking vultures,” he shook his head not waiting for James as he set off into the house.
James followed him into the kitchen where the other members of Slytherin were sitting around the table, plus the dark-skinned girl from the funeral– Dorcas, James remembered. All eyes fell on him immediately and he felt out of place.
Pandora was the first to speak, jumping up from her set to flit over to James, kissing him on the cheek. “Hi James, it’s good to see you. I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk at the funeral.”
“Pandora,” James nodded squeezing her hand, the two had been friends once, but she was always Regulus’s first, and when James had lost Regulus, he’d lost her as well. Now, she just smiled sadly and James felt that a million years had passed, yet also, no time at all. “It’s okay, I was busy trying to prevent Sirius from starting a brawl.”
“Hm, how is he?”
“Angry, I think.”
“You think?”
“He’s not speaking to me right now.”
“Oh,” Pandora frowned and even Rosier with his still blank expression looked surprised, eyebrows shooting up. Everyone knew Sirius and James were inseparable. “I’m sorry.” She said gently.
Barty seemed to have no such tact. “Why isn’t he speaking to you?”
James swallowed and turned to face the man. “He thinks it’s my fault,”
“Because you left?”
James scoffed. “Maybe, but he’d be a fucking hypocrite if he did. I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s because we took our first drugs together, enabled each other. Or maybe it’s because I lived. Maybe he wishes it was the other way around, who fucking knows. Sirius is just angry and he was never a fan of…” James trailed off, waving a hand vaguely.
“Your relationship?” Evan spoke up for the first time, face as unreadable as ever, but it sounded like a challenge.
“Sirius never knew about that,” James said stiffly.
“Don’t be stupid Potter, he knows. Even if he doesn’t know the extent it was clear as fucking day. You weren’t subtle.”
James crossed his arms. “Was I brought here for an interrogation?” he asked.
“No,” Pandora said quickly but the Evan was standing, gaze dark.
“What did Regulus say to you?” he demanded. “The last time you saw each other what did he say, what did you say?”
“It doesn’t matter,” James insisted.
“It does,” Evan said sharply. “He was fucked up over it, he was crying, Potter. Crying! So don’t lie to me.”
“Let me rephrase.” James’s jaw was tight as he tried to restrain himself from lashing out. “It does matter, but it’s not your business. Unless you think something I said caused this? What? Do you think it’s my fault too, Rosier?”
Evan stepped forward and Dorcas was up in an instant pushing him back. “That’s enough,” she said sharply. “Stop fighting. Regulus was an adult who made choices and I will not stand one more second of this childish blame game.”
Was.
Regulus was.
The word sat there, heavy, dripping with blood and grief. Was. Past tense. He was an adult.
Now, the only thing Regulus Black was in the present tense, and the only thing he ever would be again, was dead.
James didn’t think he was the only person who felt that realization just then because for a moment there was a suffocating silence and James ran his fingers through his hair, trying to breathe.
Barty sighed, breaking the silence. “I didn’t just call you because Sirius didn’t pick up.” He admitted. “Yes, we needed someone to help us sort through things, but it was also for another reason.” He turned stepping into the hallway, and James followed as he opened the door to the crawl space, revealing a large pile of boxes.
Barty switched on the light inside and they were illuminated enough for James to read the black marker on each, in Regulus’s looping scrawl. They all had one word on the side: James.
Regulus had always written the J of James’s name much bigger than the rest of the letters. James wanted to trace it with his finger, he wanted to bang his head on the wall and scream until his ears rang because Regulus would never write his name again.
Regulus would never smile again. Never speak. Never a yell, or a laugh. There would be no soft raspy whisper of when he first woke up. He would never wake up again, blinking in the light, nose scrunching as he came to terms with the fact that he was now back in the waking world. Regulus would never sing or touch his guitar, he would never groan at Sirius’s jokes or let Remus wrap an arm around his shoulder.
Regulus was dead.
“I don’t know if you want to go through these,” Barty said, and his voice was uncharacteristically careful as if he knew James was five seconds from losing it.
“I will,” James forced out, his voice heavy as he tried to choke the words out of his throat. “Not right now.”
Barty nodded, James turned and pushed past him. He didn’t really know where he was going as he climbed the stairs until he was pushing open Regulus’s door. That was when James froze.
There was a glass of water on the nightstand, and cigarettes in the ashtray. Regulus’s bed was made but it was crumbled in places as if he’d sat down on the edge after. There was a book tossed on the bottom of the bed, a capped ballpoint pen used to mark the page.
James had always had a bad habit of leaving books open upside down and damaging the spine which Regulus had hated. He would never do such a thing, however, he rarely had an actual bookmark either and tended to simply grab whatever item he had on hand.
James didn’t look at the book, he didn’t want to know the title of the last book Regulus had ever read. He didn’t want to know of Regulus would be anguished that he wouldn’t get to finish it.
James stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. The chair at the desk was pushed out and there was an envelope lying there, a pen discarded next to it. James peered down at it and felt his heart freeze in his chest.
It was addressed to James. His name and address were written neatly across the back. It was stamped and ready to be mailed, but here it was, sitting on Regulus’s desk. James reached out for it, picking up the envelope. He didn’t open it, just gripped it between his fingers, slowly moving backward until he could sit on Regulus’s bed.
James laid back, envelope clutched to his chest. He wasn’t prepared for the familiar smell of Regulus to fill his lungs as he rested his head on the pillow.
James choked on that, pressing his nose into the pillow. It was suffocating him, but at the same time he was drowning and he needed it to breathe. He couldn’t imagine it fading, couldn’t cope with the knowledge that one day he’d forget. That every remaining trace of Regulus would be wiped from the earth.
Now, that room, it was like a monument. A little piece of Regulus still preserved. Eventually, that would change. Eventually, someone else would have to touch that book at the end of the bed, someone would clean the ashtray or move the glass of water and every bit of Regulus would be taken from him.
James didn’t open the envelope. Instead, he held it to his heart and sobbed until he couldn’t remember what it felt like not to.
Seven years earlier
⋆｡°✩
The last year didn’t feel like the last. Not until it was over. In the beginning, it was good. As good as things could be those days.
James woke to a sliver of sunlight breaking through the drapes. He blinked rubbing his eyes before closing them again and nuzzling back into Regulus who had his head tucked into James’s chest.
“You gotta go to work,” Regulus mumbled, and James sighed, opening his eyes again and reaching out to run his fingers through Regulus’s tangled curls.
The other man’s eyes fluttered open, and he surveyed James for a moment, curling into his touch.
“I don’t want to go,” James sighed, he had a new job at a stuffy office and while it was nice in the fact that nobody paid much attention to him or noticed if he came to work high, it was also incredibly boring.
“Unfortunately, I’m not looking for a trophy husband,” Regulus said, “so earn your keep or I’ll toss you on the street.”
“You sure? I’m very good at sitting there and looking pretty.” James fluttered his eyelashes, appreciating the way Regulus's lips curled into a faint smile that he instantly tried to hide. “I can be one of your groupies.”
“Are you not already?” Regulus pried James’s fingers out of his hair, sitting up and stretching, with his hands above his head.
James eyed the pale strip of skin just above the waistband of his boxers and Regulus, catching him looking, swatted at James’s head.
“Absolutely not,” Regulus scolded. “Get up stupid.”
James sighed dramatically, watching Regulus leave the room before forcing himself out of bed.
They’d long since established a morning routine that James found himself quite content with. Regulus always got up first because even though James would wake before him, he stalled long enough that Regulus would leave him there. Eventually, James would drag himself out of bed to the kitchen where Regulus usually had time to start a pot of coffee and a cup of tea for himself. He’d be sitting at the table paper in hand, frowning down at it as if the mere existence of the rest of the world offended him. They’d usually get high, and James would start breakfast, often force-feeding Regulus. After, they’d shower and then James would head off to work, leaving Regulus and his much less strict schedule in the flat.
Moments were short and fleeting. Sweet and warm, honey under James’s fingers.
One day they would choke him, but not yet, not now.
Now, James pressed Regulus against the counter before he left for work, pushing his face into the other man’s neck and breathing in deeply. Now, Regulus laughed when James sighed into his neck, whining about work. The timbre of his laughter reverberated through James, encasing him in an easy warmth.
Now James was reaching, fingers scrabbling on Regulus’s skin.
Wait, wait, wait, he begged. Don’t go yet, I’m not done, don’t take him from me.
James blinked.
He was on the street, Regulus and Sirius were screaming, their words spat like blood on the asphalt.
“I don’t fucking care, Father can rot in hell for all I care!” Sirius shouted. “I’m not going!”
“I’m not asking you to go!” Regulus said back, his tone venomous. There was someone looking from across the street and James was afraid if they made much more of a scene the authorities would come. He couldn’t get caught, he had too many not-so-legal drugs on him.
“You shouldn’t go either! Let Father die knowing he lost the only two kids had. Let him realize he’s scum!”
“He never hurt us!”
“He never stopped it! Is that not the same thing? Don’t go see him Regulus because if you do, Mother will get her claws back in you and you’ll never get them out.”
“It’s been years Sirius! Do you think so little of me?” Regulus spat. “I didn’t want to come with you, you dragged me to the fucking Potters, you made me leave!”
“As if you didn’t make out well enough out of it.” Sirius sneered, his mouth twisting in a cruel smile.
Regulus stiffened. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Sirius scoffed. “I’m not an idiot, but you know what? Whatever! Let’s pretend I am! You got a nice cushy life out of it, Regulus. You got everything you wanted! Don’t you dare act like I inflicted something awful upon you.”
“Do you think this is what I wanted?” Regulus asked gesturing a hand around him and Sirius just scoffed.
“It’s better than what you would have had,” Sirius said sharply.
That seemed to be Regulus’s last straw because he turned his back on Sirius with a frustrated huff. “C’mon Jamie, we’re leaving,” he said sharply to James who was still standing there unsteadily and very drunk as he tried to process what was going on.
James looked to Sirius who was watching them with his arms crossed. “Yeah, go on Jamie.” Sirius mocked and at the time, James thought something about his tone of voice was trouble. Regulus was the only person who called James Jamie and it was clear for some reason Sirius did not approve. Did he know about them?
Unfortunately for James, he was very drunk and by the next morning, he would forget that particular detail.
The thing that would stick with him was sharp, and unforgettable as it lodged itself in his heart.
“You don’t want this?” James asked quietly the next morning, nursing a hangover and a cup of coffee.
“What?” Regulus asked tiredly. He’d been quiet the entire morning, since the night before actually.
“That’s what you said yesterday,” James mumbled. “I’m not remembering it wrong am I?”
“I don’t know, I don’t remember what I said.” Regulus shrugged but the thing was James knew Regulus. Knew him like the back of his fucking hand— maybe better. So, he knew it was a lie. He knew the way Regulus’s gaze was fixed on his fingers meant that Regulus did remember, and he felt guilty.
“What’s this?” James asked quietly. “Your life, London—”
“Stop James—”
“—our flat, your job, me, us—”
“Stop!” Regulus stood flinging his chair back with a loud bang, and for a moment, silence rang through their flat as James froze in his seat.
James looked back down to his cereal, shoveling a spoonful in his mouth and trying to ignore the knot in his throat as his ears rang.
“…James,” Regulus said after a long moment and his voice was a sharp contrast to a second ago, quiet and shaky.
James swallowed putting his spoon down and not looking up. “Is it me?” He whispered.
“No, no, Jamie.” James heard Regulus step closer and then his fingers were on James’s jaw tilting his head up so their eyes met. Regulus’s gaze was sad but fierce as he spoke again. “There are many things I don’t like about my life; you are one of the few good parts.” Such raw earnesty was rare from Regulus who preferred to keep things close to his chest. “You’re the reason I get up every morning, every time I think none of this is worth it, you smile or say something dumb and suddenly, I realize that every bad part of life is worth living as long as I have you.”
“But you’re unhappy,” James whispered.
“James, you’re unhappy.”
“That’s not true—”
“It is! You hate your job, you hate slowness, anything that gives you a second to think, to let it catch up with you. You’re always looking for more, trying to erase yourself. Do you think I don’t know that? You pretend like you’re on top of the world so that nobody ever worries or sees it. But I do, I see it. I see you every day trying to compensate for who you are when you don’t need to. I won’t stop you. I don’t say anything because that would make me a hypocrite, but you can’t be upset that I’m not happy when you aren’t either.”
James didn’t know how to respond to that, nobody had ever read him so clearly before he wanted to squeeze his eyes shut but Regulus was still looking at him so intensely that it felt wrong to look away.
“So what?” James choked out. “We’re both just deeply unhappy?”
“It’s not so bad when it’s just you and me.” Regulus breathed leaning down and pressing forward so their foreheads rested together. “I think you should skip work today,” he whispered after a moment.
“What?” James said letting his eyes fall shut as he nudged his nose into Regulus’s cheek. “You think we can fuck the unhappiness away?”
Regulus pulled back, straightening to look down at James, who was still sitting at the table, a hint of a wicked grin painted his lips. “It’s worth a shot.”
James laughed, grabbing Regulus by the waist, and resting his head against his stomach. “Then we might as well give it a go.”
Regulus laughed too, just a light chuckle and James didn’t savor it enough. He had no idea he’d ever have to miss it.
Present day
⋆｡°✩
On the fifth day, James went to see Sirius.
Remus opened the door, exhaling sharply when he registered James. He quickly pulled him inside.
“I haven’t heard from you in days, Prongs,” he said shutting to door. “I was worried.”
“Sorry,” James said hoarsely, and he felt slightly weird, floaty. Like he was out of his own body, looking down on the moment. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not,” Remus said instantly, “but that’s okay, just as long as you weren’t…”
“Using?” James filled in, numbly. “No, I wasn’t.”
“You wanted to?”
James shrugged. “It’d be nice not to think,” he mumbled before shaking his head, “but I didn’t.”
“Okay,” Remus said softly. “I trust you.” He took a deep breath before glancing down the hall. “Sirius is in our room, I can make myself scarce.”
“No, don’t,” James told him. “We may need a mediator.”
“Maybe,” Remus said slowly, “but I think he’s past his anger, at you at least. You know he didn’t mean it—”
“Yeah,” James said quickly, and Remus gracefully let himself be cut off, instead following James to the bedroom.
James knocked but there was no answer and after a moment he pushed it open. Sirius lifted his head at the intrusion and for a moment their eyes locked before Sirius was moving to one side of the bed leaving an empty space.
That was invitation enough, and James made his way over to the bed, getting in beside Sirius and letting his friend pull the blankets around them both. James scooted closer until they were sharing body heat. For a moment, James felt sixteen again, climbing into bed with Sirius to comfort him after a nightmare.
“I’m sorry,” was the first thing Sirius said, his voice quiet. “I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay,” James whispered. “I get you were upset—”
“No, no, James, listen to me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. It’s not your fault, and I don’t blame you at all, okay? I blame Regulus. I blame him, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to be angry with a dead person, so I took it out on you. I’m sorry.”
James felt tears welling in his eyes and he blinked hard. God he couldn’t stop fucking crying.
“I know that you think it’s your fault,” Sirius choked out. “It’s not. You did your best, you tried so hard for so long and I know that. You did everything you could.”
“I wish I’d stayed,” James admitted, the words barely loud enough to hear.
“Prongs, if you had stayed I think I would have lost you both,” Sirius said fiercely, and there were tears in his eyes too. “I don’t wish that, I’m glad you didn’t.”
James didn’t know what possessed him to blurt out what he did next, but suddenly he felt the need to spill every secret he’d been holding to his chest for so many years. “You knew about us?”
Sirius blinked. “You and Reggie?” He asked slowly, and James nodded. “I knew you were sleeping together,” he said quietly. “I’ll be honest it took me a while to realize, but eventually, it was hard to miss.”
James turned away so he didn’t have to look at Sirius’s face, blinking up at the ceiling instead. “Were you angry?”
“That you were fucking my brother behind my back? Yeah, Prongs, of course, I was bloody angry.” There was a sharp edge to his voice.
“You never said anything—”
“Everything went to shit right after I found out,” Sirius said and the edge in his voice bled way to something else, hurt and sorrowful, just as quickly as it’d come. “I thought- well, I wanted you to tell me.”
“But I never did,” James mumbled.
“Till now.”
“Yeah,” James repeated, “till now.” Then: “You know I loved him?”
“Of course, I do—”
“No,” James turned back so they were eye to eye again, Sirius's gaze drilling into him “Not like that. I mean we weren’t just sleeping together, I was in love with him,” James paused, “I’m still in love with him, only now I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with that.”
Sirius didn’t say anything at first. “I- I didn’t know that,” he whispered eventually.
“I suppose I should have said.”
“Probably…” Sirius swallowed. “Did Reggie know?”
James wasn’t sure how, but he laughed faintly at that. “Oh, I only used to tell him a million times a day, write it in the tags of his clothes and leave notes in his guitar case. Yeah, he knew… love was never the problem.”
Sirius nodded and James knew he didn’t really understand. He probably never had and never would.
Sirius had been absolutely mystified when James started calling Regulus ‘Reg’. “He hates that!” He’d complained, but James had just shrugged, and Regulus had never stopped him from using the nickname. Sirius had never quite been able to comprehend the relationship between James and Regulus, even back when it was only a growing friendship.
“I went to his house,” James said suddenly. “Crouch called me yesterday, he wanted help sorting through things… I- I found an envelope on Regulus’s desk, addressed to me, all ready to be sent with the post.”
Sirius frowned. “Did you open it?”
James reached into his pocket, pulling out the now crumpled envelope. “I was scared, I don’t know if I can stomach finding out what it is.”
“Would you rather one of us open it?” Remus spoke for the first time since following James into the room, he was leaning against the far wall, something sad and distant in his eyes.
James hesitated for a moment. “C’mere Moony,”
“Yeah,” Sirius echoed brightening just a little as they moved apart to make room for Remus.
The man shook his head, but indulged their request anyway, climbing into the bed between them. Sirius immediately grabbed Remus’s hand, threading their fingers together while James let his head rest on Remus's shoulder.
Slowly, James held out the envelope to Remus, who took it eyebrows raised in a question.
“Open it,” James confirmed, his voice barely louder than a breath.
Remus tore open the envelope, careful not to damage it. They both watched as Remus pulled out a piece of paper from inside. “I think it’s a letter,” he looked to James. “Do you want to me read it to you?”
“Yes,” James said quickly before he could lose his nerve and Remus cleared his throat, unfolding the paper.
“Jamie,” He began, reading. “I’m writing to you because… well, for a lot of reasons. The first one is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about our conversation the other day and I’m sorry about how I treated you. The truth is I’ve had time to think about what you said and the more I do, the more stupid I feel. I think you’re right; I think there has to be more for me than this. I’ve hated the person I’ve become for a long time, but every day lately, I fear I’m getting even worse. So, something needs to change, and this has hit me because after seeing you. I suddenly can’t ignore how much I miss you. I always thought maybe it’d go away. Those feelings are supposed to fade, aren’t they? I’m not fifteen anymore and you’re not just my brother’s best friend but I still feel you burning a hole through my chest exactly the same way. I tried to love other people, I tried to forget about you. I tried to be bitter and angry at you for leaving me. But the thing is, I can’t even be fucking angry at you for promising me forever and then breaking it because I know that you meant it at the time. You meant it with every fiber of your being, and you had no idea what would happen to us.” Remus swallowed before continuing, his face twisted in sadness. “I want you to know that I’m still yours, always yours. I’m pretty sure if someone were to dissect my soul your name would be written across it. There’s no one else for me and never will be. I don’t know if that’s the same for you, and I’m not asking anything… all I’m saying is that if you still have it left in you to love me, I think I’d let you this time. Yours, Regulus.”
James didn’t speak. He didn’t think he could even if he tried.
Regulus had wanted to get better. Maybe he could have, maybe if he’d only had the chance he would have come back to James, and everything would have been okay. Maybe it was just another empty promise made by an addict.
James would never know.
Notes:
Hello. I'm on fire, I updated anti-hero today too. I can't stop writing, pls send help. Anyway, I have to go to work and cry now, so happy Friday. I know the only people who are reading this rn are the people who are subscribed to my user, so if you're one of those people ily.
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
Chapter Text
Seven years earlier
⋆｡°✩
The first crumbling piece fell on an average seeming day.
James came home from work and the flat was empty and dark. He didn’t think much of it. The truth was, for as wild and out of control as James and Regulus were together, that didn’t always mean the spinning out happened in sync.
It wasn’t so unusual for Regulus with his band and unconventional lifestyle to disappear for a day or two.
On the first day, James sighed and made dinner for one. On the second day, he woke up to an empty bed and frowned, missing Regulus’s warmth. On the third day, he gave in and called Pandora to ask if she knew when Regulus would be back.
“What do you mean?” She asked, her soft voice tinny over the phone.
James’s heart dropped. “You-you’re not with him?”
“No, James. I haven’t seen him, I thought he was with you.”
On the fourth day, he went to Peter, mouth dry, heart beating in his throat.
“I- it’s probably fine,” James whispered while Peter looked at him, brown eyes wide and concerned. “I didn’t want to raise any alarm bells, so don’t tell Sirius or Remus—”
“It’s okay, Prongs,” Peter said quickly. He’d always been so much more patient with James than anyone else, especially when it came to these matters. In school, Peter had been timid and anxious, soft people had called him. He worked at a hospital now, and that quietness and softness lent itself well. James knew that soft and weak weren’t synonymous, Peter was proof of that. “Let’s check his usual places, we’ll keep this between us unless we have to, okay?”
“Okay,” James whispered. “Thank you, Pete.”
The next two days were spent going from place to place, tracking down anyone Regulus might have had contact with.
They found nothing. James went home on the sixth day, with tears in his eyes and Peter could do nothing but hold him while he sobbed.
On the seventh day, James woke to the bang of the door. He shot up straight in bed, barely pausing to straighten his glasses which he must have fallen asleep in the night before. James stumbled out of his bedroom, limbs heavy with sleep and eyes blurry.
He stopped dead at the figure in the living room.
Regulus, in clothes that weren’t his, hair trimmed just the tiniest amount, but enough that James who delighted in Regulus’s messy curls noticed they’d been cleaned up. Regulus didn’t look like he’d stumbled out of a ditch, as James had imagined he’d been lying half-dead in one over the past week. In fact, Regulus looked quite neat, unharmed except for a splash of purple and red over his knuckles.
James didn’t mean to be angry. He didn’t get angry often, he especially didn’t get angry at Regulus. Not the perfect, gorgeous, sweet thing he was. No, James had never really found anger in himself for Regulus before, anything that came out sharp was really just love hiding behind harshness. It always bled away quickly.
It didn’t bleed this time, but Regulus did. Flinching at James’s cold words.
“Where the fuck have you been?”
“Jamie—”
“No, no, don’t you dare. Don’t call me that.” James hissed; fists clenched at his side. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Regulus’s eyes widened. “I- I went to see my father,” he whispered. “I knew Sirius didn’t want me to, so I didn’t want to say anything—”
“I’m not Sirius.”
“I know that—”
“You left without a word, not a phone call or a note! I come back and the flat is empty, and I don’t mind, I’m not your keeper, right? But then a day passes and another. Pandora said she hadn’t seen you. I thought you were dead! I thought you were rotting in a ditch somewhere! I thought I’d have to tell Sirius that his baby brother was gone! That I’d lost you! Now, you’ve got some fucking nerve showing up here like it’s nothing.”
“James—”
“Don’t, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I can’t even fucking look at you.”
The silence that followed was suffocating. Regulus just stood there, mouth opened, eyes wide. James had never yelled at Regulus like that before. Regulus yelled plenty, it was James that pulled back. James, who fought through Regulus’s sharp anger, refusing to react in the same way or escalate an argument. James wasn’t angry, he never let himself be angry.
He was livid now.
Regulus’s lip trembled and James realized there were tears in his eyes, glassy and unshed as he sucked in a ragged breath. He didn’t speak again, only blinked, quickly wiping away the tear that fell and turning towards the kitchen. James stood there for a second, watching Regulus turn his back, watching his shoulders shake as he sobbed.
James didn’t reach for him. Instead, he pulled on his shoes and barreled out the front door, letting it slam behind him. He left Regulus there, cold and alone. Let him experience what that felt like.
James didn’t really think about the fact that it was seven A.M. on a Saturday when he started banging on Sirius and Remus’s door.
That is, until Sirius opened it with a scowl. “What the fuck Prongs?”
James didn’t say anything, he opened his mouth, and instead instantly started crying.
“Whoa, shit. James?” Sirius cursed, grabbing James’s arms and pulling him inside the flat.
James barely registered as the door closed behind him, simply letting Sirius pull him into a tight hug, as he cried into his friend’s shoulder. A minute later there was the sound of footsteps and then Moony was there as well with a cup of tea which he pressed into James’s hands as Sirius led him to the sofa.
“Prongs…” Remus said softly. “What happened?”
James tried to suck in a breath but then he was only crying harder shaking his head as he tried to force the words out “I- I can’t. C-can’t do this, losing him— oh god,” James broke off gasping for breath and then Sirius was sitting next to him, brushing James’s hair out of his face.
“Losing who?” Sirius asked and Remus shook his head.
“C’mon, breath with me, in and out… yeah, that’s it you got it Prongs,” Remus said softly. They sat there in silence except for Remus’s steady breaths and James’s ragged ones.
After a long while, James’s tears had dried on his face, leaving his skin feeling hot and tight.
“Regulus,” James choked out into the silence and Sirius’s head shot up. “I- I think… I think we’re not so good for each other,” he whispered, the confession heavy, dripping with years of blood and pain as it sat between them. Maybe everyone else already knew that, maybe James was the last to know.
“You and Regulus?” Remus asked carefully. James missed the look the other man shot Sirius over James’s head; the way Remus quickly shook his head when Sirius’s mouth formed a thin line.
If James had noticed, he probably would have realized far sooner that Sirius knew by then, the only person James was fooling was himself.
James nodded even though they all already knew who he was talking about. It was the first thing he said, always on the tip of his tongue threatening to spill out. Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.
“I think I fucked up.”
“What happened?” Sirius asked carefully, his voice tight.
“I left.”
“Left?”
“Regulus,” James choked out. “I left him, I couldn’t stomach it, I can’t- I can’t Sirius. I can’t do this, I can’t live like this.”
Nobody asked what this was, they didn’t need to.
Maybe not everyone knew. His coworkers didn’t, some of his other friends didn’t, Mary and Marlene didn’t. James’s parents didn’t, not yet. But Remus and Sirius did, had probably known before James.
“Is this what it feels like?” James muttered when nobody spoke for a long heavy moment.
“What’s that?” Sirius asked and James wondered who was more tired, Sirius of asking or James of answering.
“The fear,” James whispered, the words pulling on something hollow in his chest. “He was gone and I just kept thinking this was it. How easy it would be to take too much and end up dead in some ditch or alley. How easy. I like that normally, makes me feel alive. I don’t like when it’s him. I don’t want it to be Regulus.”
Sirius let out a wounded sound and then he was standing, leaving James and Remus alone on the sofa. James watched Sirius leave, wanted to follow, to call after him, Remus’s hand on James’s arm stopped him.
“We are afraid,” Remus told him quietly and James was pretty sure Sirius was still listening, even from the other room. “Sirius is afraid, I’m afraid. Constantly, all the time. I- honestly… I wasn’t sure you even realized there was something to be afraid of.”
“It doesn’t feel scary most of the time, it feels normal,” James confessed, shamefully. “I’ve never been scared before until Regulus didn’t come home and I- I couldn’t stop thinking—” James couldn’t finish the sentence, but Remus just squeezed his arm tighter.
“I know,” Remus said. His voice was shaky, so unlike Moony who was usually so unflappable. When things went wrong, you called Remus Lupin. He also knew what to do, how to get them out of trouble, what to say, and how to fix things. So, James knew he was probably right when he spoke again. “Maybe something needs to change.”
“Maybe,” was all James said.
They didn’t touch the subject anymore after that. Eventually, Sirius returned, and they all sat together, just breathing, existing.
James stayed over at Sirius and Remus’s that night. He thought about calling his flat. He didn’t.
The next day, they went to the Potter’s, as was their longstanding tradition. They always went to visit the first weekend of the month.
“Where’s Regulus?” Effie asked when they piled into her house. Sirius didn’t hide his nervous glance at James.
“Dunno, I slept over at Rem and Sirius’s,” James told her, with a shrug.
His mum accepted the response, but not without a frown and a suspicious look shared with her husband when no one was looking.
Halfway through lunch, the front door opened, and in came Regulus Black. Hair windswept and frizzy from the dreary countryside rain. “Sorry I’m late,” he muttered breathlessly as Effie stood quickly pressing a kiss to his cheek and ushering him to the table.
“Oh, sweetheart, please sit. Look at you, you’ll catch a cold, have some soup.”
Regulus accepted the food, but barely took a bite, even under Effie’s watchful eye. His fingers were shaking violently, and his eyes were bloodshot. James looked down at his own fingers, the tremor that never fully went away and suddenly, he was hit with a startling, biting moment of clarity. God, Regulus looked sick, was that how James looked too? Was it that obvious? Had it always been that obvious?
“Are you high?” Regulus’s head shot up at Sirius’s cool voice, eyes fixed on Regulus’s shaking fingers.
“I dunno what the fuck you’re talking about,” Regulus muttered, dropping the spoon he’d been holding and tucking his hands into his lap.
“Don’t play dumb, Reggie. You’re too clever for that.” Sirius scoffed.
“Boys—” Monty started with a frown but they both ignored him.
“It's not any of your business Sirius.”
“Of course, it’s my business, you’re my brother—”
“Yeah, your brother not your fucking property! It’s not your problem.” Regulus scoffed.
“It is my problem. It’s my problem when you’re showing up here hours late and clearly drugged up, it’s a problem when even Prongs of all people sees it—”
“Oh?” Regulus said, his voice dripping with venom. “Do you wanna talk about James, Sirius? Let’s talk about James. You want to talk about drugs, then turn your fucking head and look to your best friend. Or is it only a problem when it’s me? Funny how you’re on me and not him.”
“It’s different,” Sirius protested.
“Guys—” James tried to cut in, his blood roaring in his ears as suddenly his guts were being spilled onto the dining room table for everyone— for his parents to see.
“It’s not different!” Regulus stood suddenly, pushing his chair backward with a sharp screech. “You think it’s different because I let you think that. Because I’m the one who cleans up after him, I’m the one who pulls his barely conscious ass out of nightclub bathrooms and stays while he throws up his guts. I take care of James so that you have the fucking privilege of thinking that I’m worse! You can nag all you want, but if you’re going to get on someone it better be him because I’ve spent the last few years of my life giving up everything to keep him together! So you have no right to talk about things you don’t understand.”
“Giving up?” James repeated, cutting in before Sirius could respond, his voice cracking on the last word. “Is that what I am to you? A burden?” Regulus didn’t respond, still standing as the silence settled in around them.
James’s parents were gaping, eyes wide. Evidently, they hadn’t known any of this, but James couldn’t look at them, couldn’t look anywhere but the flash of pain that crossed Regulus’s face.
“Oh,” James said when Regulus didn’t respond, the choked words tore itself from his throat turning into a bitter laugh. “Oh, that’s amazing. That’s really great, Regulus.”
“No, no wait,” Regulus said quickly, the words heavy and muddled as he hurried to get them out. “That's not what I meant.”
“I think it is,” James said coldly. “But lucky you, you’ve got no obligation to me, we’re not anything. I won’t need a roommate forever, in fact, I don’t even really need one now I’ve got a proper job.”
“I- what? Are you kicking me out?” Regulus asked, his voice tinged with desperation.
“Well,” James laughed humorlessly, “I wouldn’t want you to have to make any sacrifices, not for me. Wouldn’t want to be a burden. You’ve got better things to do than take care of me, right?”
“Jamie, you’re twisting what I said.”
“No, I’m taking what you said as well as your actions and drawing logical conclusions. Clearly, you’ve got better places to be since you were gone a week, not even a fucking note.” James scoffed, his voice hard.
Regulus blinked and for a moment James thought he might start crying again but instead, he just swallowed, clamping his mouth shut on whatever he wanted to say and James couldn’t stay in that room a second longer. He stood abruptly leaving the room, stumbling out the front door and into the rain.
Regulus followed.
He’d started the night that James pressed the guitar into his arms for the first time. Young eyes wide and glittering. He’d followed James that day and would continue to do so. Eventually, he would stop, not so long from this moment. But not yet, not then.
Then, he followed James out into the unforgiving weather shouting over the rain.
“Don’t leave! Don’t do this again, I’m begging you, James, just let me talk!”
James didn’t answer, determined to simply get away. He couldn’t do it. He was almost at the car when there was a hand on his wrist and James spun, twisting Regulus until his back hit the car door. A gasp escaped Regulus at the sudden force and James grabbed his collar.
Regulus’s breath caught in his throat, he was trembling in the cold, dark curls plastered to his forehead from the rain. A drop of moisture dripped down his cheek and James didn’t know if it was the rain or if the other man was crying.
Regulus was so perfect, so beautiful even with the dark bruises under his eyes and the dry cracked skin of his lips. He was perfect and James wanted to swallow him whole. Wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he realized just how much James cared. How special and beautiful he was. James needed Regulus to see himself that way too. To be careful with himself. James wanted him to be able to feel what he had felt. The shivering all-encompassing fear that had flooded him in the days Regulus had been gone.
“Will you let me talk?” Regulus asked in a hoarse whisper, blinking up at James in a way that reminded him so much of being fifteen again.
“You don’t understand, you still don’t understand,” James insisted, shaking his head. He still had his fingers curled tightly around Regulus’s collar.
“I do—”
“You don’t. You don’t see what you’re doing to me. I would give anything—”
“How would you know? You don’t even give me a chance—”
“—if it meant I could spare you—”
“You’re not letting me talk!”
“I don’t want to hear it!” James growled “I don’t want to know—”
“You don’t know what I’m going to say!”
“I do—”
“I love you!”
James wasn’t sure who went more still at that moment. Regulus froze, mouth open in horror as if he hadn’t meant to let that slip at all.
He said it first.
That was the only thought in James’s head. Regulus, Regulus Black who rarely even told Sirius he loved him, had said it first.
At James’s silence, Regulus tried to pull away, fighting out of James’s grasp. He’d barely ducked under James’s arm before James turned as well, grabbing Regulus by the face and kissing him hard.
Regulus let out a muffled sound of surprise but did nothing but cling helplessly to James’s shirt. James kissed him like nothing mattered, like Regulus were the only thing in the world. It felt that way, his face beneath James’s fingers, his lips cracked but insistent and hot on James’s. Regulus pressed closer and it didn’t matter that there was no closer at that moment. James wanted it. He wanted to burn the whole world down and stand with Regulus at the center of it. He wanted to consume him, let Regulus eat his heart blood dripping down his mouth. James would probably thank him, probably beg him to do it.
“I love you,” Regulus whispered into James’s mouth, the words broken. Not a moment of hope, it was doom really. Because if they’d loved each other a little less, the world would have been better for it.
“I love you,” James choked out, the words hot and metallic on his tongue. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Regulus let out a muffled sob at the words and they weren’t really kissing anymore, simply touching, pressed together.
James wasn’t sure how long they clung together, cold rain beating down onto their skin, breath mingling together. Eventually, Regulus pulled with a sniff. James didn’t let him go far this time, couldn’t bear the thought. He wiped the tears mingled with the rain off Regulus’s skin, before leaning in the press kisses to his cheeks, nose, and under his eyes as he always liked to. Regulus huffed a breath at James’s ministrations but didn’t pull away, nudging closer instead, his arms wrapping around James’s waist.
“If we go back in they’ll try to stage an intervention,” Regulus mumbled into James’s skin.
“I know…” James whispered back. “Wanna make a break for it?”
“With you?” Regulus pulled back to look up at him, the last word coming out barely louder than a breath. “Always.”
They didn’t talk about it again. James would spend the rest of his life wondering what would have happened if they’d gone back inside.
Present day
-Sirius-
⋆｡°✩
There were a lot of things Sirius didn’t know. He would have liked to think that Regulus was one of the few things he did, but it’d been a long time since he really believed that.
The truth was, Sirius, had spent most of his life hopelessly clinging onto his brother. Regulus had never been an easy person to keep. For a long time, Sirius had felt this was only the case for him. Regulus only spent so much time and energy pulling away from Sirius, which had been a huge point of contention and jealousy for years. Why did James have no problem keeping him? Why did Regulus let himself be soft for James and never Sirius?
Eventually, Sirius realized that James was just more willing to cling on, consequences be dammed. Willing to let Regulus do whatever he wanted. Sit by or enable him if it meant keeping him. In the end, James lost him too and the jealousy faded to something far worse. Grief.
Grief for a living person, a brother Sirius had lost long before he put him in the ground.
“I saw Mother and Father.”
Sirius froze, dropping the plate he’d been holding back into the sink and rounding on Regulus in horror. “You did what?”
“I know you didn’t want to, that’s your decision,” Regulus said tightly. “But I made my own decision. Father is dying, I wanted to see him.”
“What could you possibly gain from that?” Sirius asked, he could feel his blood pounding in his ears. He hadn’t seen Regulus in months, not since he and James had run from the Potter’s house during lunch. Regulus showing up at Sirius’s flat that morning had been a surprise. Now, Sirius knew, of course, it was far too good to be true.
“I’m not asking you why you won’t see them, so I don’t see—”
“You know why I won’t see them.”
“I don’t want to talk about this,” Regulus said sharply, crossing his arms. “I just wanted you to know.”
“Why?” Sirius demanded. “When have you ever felt the need to loop me into the going on’s in your life?”
“My band is being scouted.” Sirius didn’t speak at that, he knew what it meant as soon as Regulus spoke, the words wearing a hole through the tiled kitchen floor. The distance between them felt uncrossable. “They want us to go on tour,” Regulus continued. “A contract with a label is in the works. They really think we can go somewhere beyond just London.”
“Does James know?”
Regulus stiffened. “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
See, the thing was, Sirius wasn’t stupid. He’d always known that Regulus had a crush on James. He’d known since Regulus was twelve and he caught the younger boy always sneaking glances whenever James was around, eyes wide, cheeks flushed. But Sirius didn’t know when James had started looking back.
Sirius didn’t get it. Why they’d hide it, why even risk it? They were family, all of them in some strange, unconventional way. Regulus and James were willing to throw that away for what? Sex?
The thought was disgusting. Remus said Sirius ought to talk to them about it, but the truth was Sirius was pissed. He didn’t want to have to be the one to bring it up, he wanted one of the two people he loved most to fucking talk to him. Neither of them did anymore. It felt like Sirius was constantly trying to grab onto them while they both slipped through his fingers.
He’d been itching with blazing anger ever since James and Regulus had disappeared at the Potters. Now it’d been months, they’d both been absent, neither answering the phone. Sirius had gone to their flat, even turned up at James’s job where he’d been informed that James was apparently deathly sick and on a leave of absence. Sirius reckoned he wasn’t ‘sick’ at all, not in that way.
They’d both simply disappeared, and Sirius woke up every morning terrified that today would be the day he got the news that one, or both of them were dead. He’d wake up from nightmares most nights and sob himself back to sleep in Moony’s arms. But Remus, strong, brave, unshakable Remus was at just as much of a loss as Sirius. Nobody knew what to do. Effie had cried that Sunday afternoon, Monty’s hand on her shoulder while Sirius had begged forgiveness.
“I should have told you, I’m so sorry. I thought I could help them, I’m sorry.” He’d whispered, but Effie despite her tears had only stood and pulled Sirius into a tight hug.
“No, it’s not your fault.” She’d said fiercely. “I understand, addiction, it’s a terrible twisted monster of an illness.”
“You sound like you know it.”
“Yes,” Effie had nodded, swallowing tightly. “My brother… suffered with addiction for many years.”
“I didn’t know you had a brother,” Sirius whispered.
“No, well eventually… I had to choose to take care of myself, and my other family over him. I’ve always loved him dearly, but I couldn’t enable him anymore.”
Sirius didn’t ask any more about it because he could tell it was hard for her to talk about. It wasn’t until a few years later that Sirius would find out that Effie’s brother was dead and had been for years. He’d crashed his car under the influence and died at eighteen.
Now, standing in his kitchen, looking at Regulus, all Sirius felt was rage.
“Don’t think I approve,” he told his little brother sharply. “Don’t think that any of this is alright. What’s your plan? To wrap James around your little finger, huh? Ruin his life and then ditch him?”
“James?” Regulus spat. “Why is it always about James? Why do his problems and his fucked up shit deserve your care and sympathy but not mine? I said I was going on tour Sirius not leaving him to die!”
“But you are! He needs you, you could have left him be but you didn’t—”
“He wanted me, Sirius!” Regulus screamed and Sirius knew he’d be getting a complaint from the neighbors for sure. “He’s the one who wouldn’t let me mind my business, he sought me out, he was the one who was dead set on being my friend—”
“He’s not your friend—”
“—He kissed me first, he wanted me, he begged me for it—”
“Stop!” Sirius yelled and finally, Regulus broke, off, his cheeks red and eyes blazing.
Sirius thought Regulus would yell again in the silence that followed. By the look in his eyes Regulus’s eyes, he intended to yell, but his voice cracked instead and the words came out rough and quiet.
“Why can’t you care about me?”
“Reg—”
“No! Why can’t my well-being matter, why can’t I matter? Why is your only concern James and whether or not I’m fucking him? Why can’t you love me?”
“I do love you!”
“I don’t believe you.”
Sirius didn’t know what to say to that. Regulus was stubborn, set in his ways and Sirius knew deep in his heart that nothing he said would convince Regulus otherwise. He needed to prove his love and somehow, it was too late for that. Unless Sirius could turn back the past five years and make sure Regulus knew every second of every day that Sirius loved him, he’d never believe it.
Regulus scoffed at Sirius’s silence, a scowl twisting his face. “I’m going, you’re not going to say anything to anyone and when I’m gone you’ll take care of James, and you won’t treat him differently just because I let him fuck me.” Sirius winced at the vulgar words but Regulus just continued. “You’ll be happy, I’m sure, to say good fucking riddance. Be glad you got the brother you’ve always preferred.”
“That’s not true, Regulus. Reggie please I’m begging you don’t do this. I do love you; I love you so much.”
Regulus blinked, sucking in a shaky breath and Sirius could see tears glinting at the corner of his eyes. For a moment, one blinding surging second, Sirius thought maybe he’d gotten through to him. Then it was gone, Regulus was wiping angrily at his eyes, face shuttering closed.
“Don’t,” was all he said and then he was turning his back and leaving Sirius alone in his kitchen. That was where Moony found him hours later, still standing right there, staring at the door and the shattered pieces of his life around him.
“Sirius?”
He blinked, yanked back into the present, filled with a million fuzzy emotions he couldn’t quite place.
“Sorry, what?” He croaked, mouth dry.
Effie Potter just blinked down at him before letting out a heavy breath. A second later she was climbing onto the couch next to him, crossing her legs and pulling Sirius into her lap.
It didn’t matter that Sirius was a grown fucking adult, nearly thirty now, she pulled him close like a child and Sirius clung to her like one, pressing his face into her shoulder and letting her hold him tightly.
“I talked to James,” he mumbled into her shirt.
“How was that?” She asked gently.
“Okay…” He paused. “As okay as it could be. I think I was wrong about a lot, mostly… between him and Reggie.” Sirius swallowed pulling back to look her in the eye. “Did- did you know that he was in love with Regulus?”
She was quiet for a long moment before nodding. “I did. I assume you didn’t?”
“Not exactly… I- I thought they’d had a fling. I treated Regulus so badly over it, James too, for a while. I thought it was them being stupid, but they were in love with each other. I think they still are… or were, I dunno…” He trailed off helplessly. “I was a bad brother.”
“You weren’t,” Effie told him firmly. “You made some mistakes, so did they, and so did I.”
“You didn’t. You always handled everything so well,” Sirius frowned.
“No, no.” She shook her head. “Do you think I didn’t know the signs? If I hadn’t been so paralyzed and in denial I would have realized they were both addicts far sooner, but I didn’t want it to be true.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know, exactly.” She said softly. “It isn’t my fault, it’s not yours or James’s.”
“Then whose is it? Regulus’s? Can I blame him if he was sick?”
“Yes. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Regulus was sick, addiction is a disease. That’s true, but it’s also true that he didn’t want help. He chose to pull away, to hurt the people who loved him. We can hold him accountable for the bad things he did while still loving him and understanding that he wasn’t well.”
Sirius choked on a sob at that and Effie reached out, pulling him back into her arms again.
“Does it get better?” He whispered once he had cried himself out and the tears had dried tightly on his face.
“Better?” She repeated, and there was something anguished in her voice, a new and old grief twisted up together. “No,” Effie said, and Sirius’s heart dropped, but she quickly continued. “But it gets easier. Eventually, you’ll wake up and it won’t be your first thought every morning. It won’t shock you every time you remember that Regulus is gone. There’s nothing better about losing somebody you love that much, but time will take the sharpness, and get you used to his absence. You’ll live the good parts of your life, you’ll get married, have a family, if that’s what you want. Whatever you desire, you’ll build it. And you’ll miss him for the rest of your life Sirius, but one day you’ll wake up and realize you lived through it.”
“What if I don’t want to live through it?” Sirius asked, his voice small.
“I’m not giving you a choice,” Effie told him fiercely. Despite the fire in her words, she kissed him on the forehead gently and Sirius screwed his eyes shut.
“He was mine. He was my baby brother, my baby. I loved him, I took care of him and raised him. I was the one who snuck into his room at night when he was a toddler and couldn’t sleep. I’d sing to him and tell him stories. I taught him how to write his name, tie his shoes and do his hair. I’d help him get dressed every day and showed him how to smile. I knew no one else in that house would love him so I gave him every ounce of love I had and sometimes I think I gave it too much too soon because I don’t think he realized how much I loved him. He was my baby brother, he was mine. We were just beginning to talk again the past few years. I thought… I mean- not long before, I really thought he was getting better. But he didn’t and now he’s dead. Do you really think I’ll live through that? Do you think I can?”
“Yes,” Effie said softly, and Sirius, who thought he was all cried out felt a fresh wave of incoming tears. She simply held him through it.
--
Sirius was watching James. James was staring in pained fixation at the pile of boxes with his name on them, and Barty Crouch was watching them both with his arms crossed, a scrutinizing look on his face. Sirius felt the need to point out that Barty had invited them and request he remove his glare, but James had been strangely pleasant to Crouch and Sirius would feel stupid if he was the one to start an argument in his dead brother's crawl space.
“So?” Crouch said after a moment and despite his resolve, Sirius really did want to punch him. Sirius shot Barty a pointed look and he fell silent but James was already turning to face them.
“Must be the stuff from our flat. I didn’t take much before I…” Went to rehab, Sirius knew was the rest of that sentence but James didn’t finish it eyes simply flitting over the boxes.
“He kept it all,” Sirius noted his voice hollow and James just nodded.
He took a deep shaking breath. “Well,” James began. “I have a storage unit, I can take whatever you need me to there.” Nobody asked if James was going to look through the boxes.
They spent the rest of the day loading things into the van, Crouch and Rosier helping silently. It was funny, the four of them in Regulus’s house. Even in the before when they all ran in adjacent circles, they never really existed in harmony. Sirius had always despised Regulus’s bandmates. In fact, he often started arguments that would turn into drunken brawls. James, a little less willing to get on Reggie’s bad side would silently suffer them, but they weren’t friends. They existed in separate worlds, the only thing they had in common was Regulus. Regulus, who was gone now, yet here they were.
Nobody argued. When the van was loaded up with all the things they wanted to take, they all stood outside the house in a strange silence.
“I’m sorry,” Rosier said finally, his blonde hair painted golden in the setting sun. Sirius suddenly couldn’t remember why he hated the man so much. Now, he just looked like a man, one who had loved Regulus, been his friend, and stood by him for years.
Sirius didn’t know what Rosier was apologizing for.
There was a bird singing in the distance. Down the street, a mother chased her children, two little boys hand in hand as they made their getaway.
“Come with me, Reggie.”
“I don’t want to, don’t make me.”
“We’ll go to the Potters they’ll help us!”
“I don’t need help!”
“You do! we do! Please, please I’m begging you, Regulus. They’re going to kill me now they know I like boys! I need to leave but I can’t if you don’t come with me!”
Regulus didn’t nod, he didn’t agree. In fact, he struggled as Sirius pulled him down the street to the Potter's front door.
He didn’t say, “I’ll follow you anywhere” but he followed anyway.
Sirius blinked.
“Yeah, I’m sorry too.” Sirius didn’t know what he was apologizing for either.
The drive to James’s storage unit was quiet but Sirius wasn’t surprised. James hadn’t really spoken much since he’d come to see Sirius days ago and Remus said it was best to let him be.
Sirius of course hadn’t wanted to listen, but Effie had said the same thing and when the two smartest people he knew were advising he do something, Sirius thought it best to heed their advice.
“You’re sure you don’t want to look through these?” Sirius asked one last time when they got to the storage unit. James just shook his head and so Sirius didn’t ask again.
However, when one of the boxes was coming open at the top, Sirius couldn’t help but take a peek inside while James had his back turned.
It was full of a lot of miscellaneous items. Clearly, Regulus had packed James’s things in a hurry. There were pens and knickknacks, as well as a few notepads and books shoved inside. What caught Sirius’s eye, was a stack of pictures bound together with a rubber band.
Checking that James was still preoccupied, Sirius started flipping through the photographs, trying to ignore the way his eyes stung and throat burned as he laid eyes on his brother. Barely twenty, hair longer than he’d kept it in the past few years, and bags dark under his eyes. Yet, in quite a few of the pictures, he was smiling. Faint and barely there, yes… but it was clear as Sirius saw various photographs of Regulus with Remus on the sofa, or next to Pandora while they both had their instruments out, that he’d loved these people.
Sirius stopped at a photo of himself and Regulus, swallowing hard as he studied it.
They were lying on the floor, Sirius remembered it was in his very first flat. He didn’t know what they’d been talking about but Sirius had his head thrown back in a laugh and Regulus was reaching out, trying to swat him, but there was s smile on his face nonetheless. Carefully, Sirius pocketed the picture.
He saved one more as well. It was a photograph Sirius had never seen before but he supposed that made sense considering the context. James was holding the camera in the air to capture himself and Regulus, one arm around Regulus’s neck. He was pressing a kiss to Regulus’s cheek and the other boy was mid-laugh, face scrunched and cheeks flushed.
Sirius looked to James who still hadn’t noticed Sirius’s pause before tucking the photograph into his pocket next to the other. Sirius didn’t give it to James, not yet, but he knew eventually his friend would be grateful to have it.
Seven years earlier
⋆｡°✩
It felt sudden at the time.
James didn’t realize, didn’t see the signs, every little piece that was falling, building up to it. The truth was, it ended slowly, but James wouldn’t realize that for a long time.
Regulus had been away a lot. James knew something was happening with his band, there was talk of them getting signed and touring but the gravity of this didn’t really hit James at first.
See, after having his dirty laundry aired in front of his parents, James couldn’t face them, couldn’t face anyone aside from Regulus. He stopped going to work, stopped answering calls… he went on a bit of a bender.
It was fine. It wasn’t the first time. James was always fine.
“James, Jamie you’re scaring me.”
That should have been a sign. Regulus knew the same twisted world as James and partook in most of the same things he did. If Regulus was scared by his behavior that was not good. But James had just shaken his head and insisted it was fine.
It wasn’t.
James overdosed on a Thursday, of all days.
Everything was normal until suddenly it wasn’t.
Now, James hadn’t made it this far without occasionally brushing up against the lines between life and death. Everything had always been fine so he had no reason to believe that it wouldn’t continue to be so. James always bounced back. He always turned out okay, he liked that really. He liked feeling the adrenaline of toeing the line.
But on that Thursday, James pushed a little too far. He didn’t realize it at first until suddenly it wasn’t good anymore.
That happened sometimes, but this was worse. He kept seeing shadows, people out of the corner of his eye. He could feel his heart beating and hands shaking. There were voices but every time he turned he was alone. James stumbled around his flat deliriously, opening doors and closets, trying to find where the person was hiding.
He threw up in the corner but it didn’t make it better. There was screaming in his ears, he couldn’t catch his breath. His skin was burning, the flat was on fire, James had to put it out but he couldn’t get up. Someone was coming for him, they were going to hurt him. He had to get up.
James couldn’t. His chest hurt, it didn’t feel right it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like something he could bounce back from. It really hurt. Who the fuck was screaming?
James.
He couldn’t breathe.
James!
“Oh god, oh god! James please, wake up! Jamie!”
I don’t want to die. A part of him begged.
Please I’m not ready to die.
Beep.
Beep, beep.
“—can only allow family at this time—“
Beep.
Jamie, you’re scaring me.
Beep
“It’s you and me no matter what anyone else thinks.”
“Reg?”
“Yeah?”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
Please don’t take him from me.
Please I love him so much.
Don’t take him yet.
I’m not ready.
I’m not ready.
James woke in a panic he tried to sit upright but his limbs felt too heavy to move and something sharp pulled at his arm when he tried.
“Woah, James sweetie it’s okay. Lie back.” He recognized his mum’s voice instantly, her soft hand on his shoulder stopping him from fighting.
He blinked. It hurt. his surroundings were painted in a fluorescent light and it sent a sharp pain through his head as he squinted.
“James.”
“Mum?” His voice stuck in his throat as he tried to speak, rough from disuse.
“It’s me, I’m right here. How do you feel?”
“Shitty,” James mumbled letting his eyes fall closed again.
There was an annoying beeping that didn’t help his headache and distantly he registered that he was in a hospital but the pieces weren’t quite lined up yet.
James swallowed forcing his eyes open as he felt his mother take his hand. He’d never really thought of his parents as old before despite being older than most of his friends’ parents growing up. Now it hit him as he looked at his mother's face lined with worry, that she was older than he realized.
Sirius was at her shoulder, face strangely blank and James frowned. He didn’t really understand what was going on.
Tilting his head, James saw his father. He hadn’t noticed him before then because he was sitting in the corner, one arm wrapped tightly around Regulus who was… crying?
What?
Regulus never cried in front of people. James remembered not so long ago being shocked when Sirius had made a comment about it because he had seen Regulus cry, but apparently, no one else had since he was fourteen.
Now he was, right in front of everyone. His nose red, tears running down his cheeks as Monty rubbed soothing circles on his back.
James ached with Regulus’s pain. He wanted to soothe it, to reach out for him and brush his curls off his face, press kisses to his wet cheeks.
“Why are you crying?” James whispered and it did not soothe anything.
In fact, Regulus let out a pained sob and began crying harder, doubling over in his seat. Sirius left his place at Effie’s shoulder to crouch on the floor in front of his little brother pulling him into a tight hug.
Sobs wracked Regulus’s body and as James’s father continued rubbing his back, he realized in horror his dad was crying too. James had never seen his dad cry. Not once, not ever.
“What happened?” James asked. Nobody answered for a long moment.
Silence stretched out in the hospital room and James tried to breathe but something was screaming in the corners of his mind.
James please, wake up!
No.
No, no, no, no no.
“No, oh god.” He didn’t mean to speak aloud and he feel his mum squeeze his hand tightly as the world came crashing down around him.
“You overdosed.” Sirius’s voice was emotionless. Unlike everyone else his eyes were dry as he stood from Regulus, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder.
Sirius was calm in a crisis. He kept his head when the world was falling apart because growing up he’d needed to be. The things in his life had forced him to be strong. Fuck, James was one of those things. He was hurting his best friend.
Sirius looked like he was about to lose his careful cool and James’s mum let go of his hand, casting James a gentle smile before taking Sirius by the shoulder, whispering in his ear, and leading him out into the hall. James was surprised when he heard Remus’s muffled voice outside, but the instantly relaxed at the thought. Remus would take care of Sirius, he would make sure he wasn’t alone.
James’s mum stepped back into the room a moment later without Sirius.
Regulus sat upright.
He met James’s eye for the first time since he’d woken up and for a long time, they just stared at each other until James reached a weak hand out and Regulus was up in an instant.
Neither of James’s parents said a word as Regulus’s hands were on his face, fingers dancing over his cheeks, one hand going to his neck. Regulus touched every part of James he could reach, like he was checking. Like he just had to be sure that James was really there.
James caught one of Regulus’s shaking hands as it cupped his jaw, turning his face to press a kiss to his wrist. “Reg…”
Regulus didn’t respond, just sniffed, his face still wet with tears.
“Regulus, love.”
Jamie, you’re scaring me.
Regulus swallowed, looking down at James with dark eyes. “Yeah?” he choked out.
“I- I’m sorry,”
That didn’t seem to be the right thing to say because then Regulus was breaking into a fresh wave of tears, but maybe there was no right thing to say at the moment.
Regulus shook his head through his tears, leaning over so there were nose-to-nose, pressed against each. “I- I was scared. Oh my god Jamie—” he broke off pushing his nose into the crook of James’s neck. James just reach out, putting an arm around his neck and inhaling Regulus’s familiar scent. “James, I love you, I love you so much. I came home, and oh- oh my god. Shit, I was scared. You wouldn’t wake up, I- I thought…” You were dead. Lay unspoken between them. “I love you.”
“I love you… I was scared too.” James whispered, and he remembered now. “I don’t want to die. Regulus, fuck I was— I really don’t want to die. I haven’t done anything yet.”
Regulus just let out a pained sound clutching him closer, and eventually, the door opened again but neither of them moved even as Sirius spoke.
“You’re going to rehab.” There was no question about it, even though Sirius had no actual right to enforce that. James didn’t protest, didn’t look up, or let go of Regulus either. “You’re a drug addict, and you could have died. It’s a miracle you didn’t. If Regulus had been even minutes later you wouldn’t be here right now.”
No one had ever called James an addict before, at least not to his face. The term sat there between them, James swallowed still not looking at his friend.
“Okay,” he forced out.
And that was that.
Or not really, but close enough.
Two days later, when they were ready to discharge him and ship him off to a rehabilitation center, Regulus sat across from him. No one else was in the room, James didn’t remember where they’d gone, just the way Regulus had pressed the small bag of belongings into James’s arms.
“Sorry, I couldn’t pack much. I’ll try to get the rest of your stuff taken care of.”
That didn’t sound right. James frowned. “You could do it too, you know?”
Regulus froze. “What?”
“Get clean,” James whispered.
“I don’t think it’s that easy.”
James laughed humorlessly. “Regulus, I’m the last fucking person to think anything about this is easy.”
“So what? Do you want me to go to rehab too? I have a life, James.”
“So do I.”
“It’s not the same. Mine won’t wait for me.”
Bile burned at the back of James’s throat as he blinked down at Regulus. The sun was filtering through the window, painting him in golden light. Regulus looked beautiful, like some sort of angel. James felt his heart shattering in his chest.
“You mean you won’t wait for me.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Regulus—”
“Look, we’re going on tour James. I finally have everything I’ve ever wanted, my band is being signed. I can’t put that at risk right now.”
“Then you don’t need to go to rehab, you can still try to get better and then maybe once the tour is over and—”
“Jamie.” Regulus’s voice was firm, pained as he met James’s gaze head-on. James felt his heart plummet.
“We never renewed the lease,” he realized numbly.
“No,” Regulus agreed. “We didn’t. If you want to, feel free, you have enough money to afford it on your own—”
“Please don’t do this to me.”
“—You’ve got a stable job now, it’s not the same as it was when we first got the place.”
“Regulus, please. I’m not living there alone. Don’t… don’t do this.”
Regulus fell silent, shaking his head. “I’m sorry,” and James was sure he really meant it, but that hardly mattered.
“How long have you been planning this?”
“I wasn’t planning anything. I didn’t go behind your back, James. You knew I’d be going on tour—”
“Not that you weren’t coming back!”
“It’s better James! It’s better. Don’t you see what we do to each other? I can’t lose you like that—”
“You’ll lose me anyway!”
“Only if you make me! It’s not forever, James.”
James shook his head, expression twisting. Tears stung his eyes. “You’re leaving our flat, leaving the country. I’m going to rehab, and you won’t get clean. You’re standing here saying we’re bad for each other. Don’t act like I’m the idiot for thinking this is it. If you’ve convinced yourself of anything else you’re delusional, Regulus.”
Regulus swallowed and James could see he was holding back tears as well. “But I love you,” he said helplessly.
“I don’t think that matters in this case.”
“It matters to me.”
“But it’s not enough,” James said.
And Regulus didn’t argue with that. He didn’t say a word. James knew that was it.
“I guess not,” Regulus said finally.
James couldn’t help himself, one desperate, last-ditch effort. “You could get clean too.”
“I don’t think we could do it together. This,” Regulus waved a hand around the hospital room, “was too close. You were so close to dying, James. I can’t live in a world where you’re dead. You need to get better, and I need to focus on my career.” It was a clear dismissal, Regulus wouldn’t be getting clean.
“I don’t think those two things are equal—”
“James.”
“Don’t let your mother get to you, okay?” It was a concession.
“She’s helped with the band…”
“I know, I figured that out. Just… don’t let her hurt you.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t think I’ll go back to the flat. I- I can take care of it, I know all my stuff… I mean I don’t know if I even need most of it but—”
“It’s fine, I’ll get it.”
“Okay,” James said. Silence stretched out between them and after a moment, Regulus took a step back and James felt it. He felt the thread between them snap, the door close, paths diverge… whatever other stupid metaphor he could come up with, it didn’t come close to describing the pain as it ended.
“I love you.”
“I know, I love you too… if- if you ever change your mind, I’m here. You call me if you need anything, I don’t care what it is or how long it’s been, I’ll be there.”
“Okay,” Regulus said yet again and James wasn’t sure Regulus would ever take him up on that offer. “I- bye Jamie.”
“Bye, Reg.”
Three days before
⋆｡°✩
James woke to the sound of the phone ringing. He frowned, glancing at his clock. Fuck, who was calling him at five A.M. on a Saturday?
He rolled over determined to ignore it. He’d had a work function the night before and hadn’t gotten home until late, all he’d wanted to do that day was sleep in, maybe take the time to make a nice breakfast and then go to the gym before he was due to visit Mary and Lily for lunch.
The phone stopped ringing and James breathed a sigh of relief before it began to ring again, somehow sounding even louder than before. With an annoyed groan, James rolled out of bed, stomping down the hall and pulling the phone from the hook.
“Hello? I’m sorry, it is five A.M. I hope this is important.” He said crossly.
“Sorry.”
James froze, recognizing the voice instantly despite the distortion over the phone.
“Reg?”
“Sorry,” Regulus repeated again, and James rubbed tiredly at his eyes, leaning his head on the wall next to where the phone was mounted.
“I- are you okay?”
“I don’t know.”
James sucked in a breath.
It wasn’t like Regulus had left his hospital room seven years prior and James had never seen him again. Yes, he’d swiftly and harshly cut himself off from everyone, before promptly rocketing to fame. He didn’t come for weekend lunches anymore; he didn’t hang out with any of them or have book club with Remus. Regulus entirely disappeared, and didn’t even talk to Sirius for a long time. Eventually, James knew the Black brothers had slowly begun to mend their relationship in the past few years, but he didn’t know the details. It was pretty much an unspoken rule to never talk about Regulus in front of James, though he wasn’t really sure when or why they’d all decided that. The truth was for a time, James had probably seen more of Regulus than anyone else did.
He'd seen the other boy on more than a few occasions. Fuck, he’d bailed Regulus out of jail not just once but twice (which Sirius definitely had no idea about). Still, Regulus didn’t call often, and the last time he had at that point, had been over a year earlier, not that James was counting (he was).
Regulus was a fucking rockstar which was still surreal. His band, his music, it was everywhere. On the radio, TV, even on fucking T-shirts. Half the teenagers he saw these days were sporting a shirt with Slytherin’s logo on it. Regulus was everywhere, and James wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t exist, but he also wasn’t keen to acknowledge the looming knowledge that Regulus was probably the love of his life and James would never be able to love anyone else the same.
He tried on many occasions, and it never worked. No one made him feel even close to the way Regulus did.
So sometimes Regulus called, and James always did whatever he asked, because it was Regulus. He didn’t need to pretend he didn’t exist, and they didn’t hate each other, despite whatever their family and friends thought had gone down.
“James?” Regulus asked uncertainly and James realized he’d been silent for far too long.
“Sorry, uh, what is it?”
“Can you pick me up?” James had pulled Regulus out of some pretty vulnerable spots (jail for fucks sake), but never had he heard him sound so small, so afraid.
“Where are you?” James asked instantly. “In London?”
“Yeah,” he said softly, rattling off the address in a shaky voice.
“Okay,” James said but he didn’t hang up at first, just listening to Regulus breathe. “Okay,” he repeated after a moment. “I’ll be there soon.”
Regulus’s breath was still quiet and even on the other side of the line. “Okay, thank you.”
Squeezing his eyes shut, James quickly hung up before taking a deep breath and standing upright. He haphazardly dressed himself and hurried out the door in record time. By the time he got to the address Regulus had given him, the sun was rising and early morning runners were already on their way. Not that there were any runners in the area Regulus was in, it was full of bars and nightclubs people, the streets were empty, no doubt most partygoers passed out somewhere by now.
He didn’t have to worry about finding Regulus. As soon as he turned the corner onto an empty street a figure was emerging from the shadows of the abandoned building, curls wild and cheeks pale. James unlocked the car and Regulus was quickly flinging himself into the car, pulling his the hood over his curls.
“Reg?”
“Can you just go?” Regulus mumbled.
James looked at him for a second before obeying, making a quick U-turn, and heading back the way he came.
“Where am I taking you?”
“Home?” It came out as a question and Regulus winced slouching down in the passenger seat and screwing his eyes shut.
James frowned before fumbling behind him and pulling a plastic bag out of the back seat. “Don’t throw up in my car, I have to pick up my co-worker’s kid from football tomorrow.”
Regulus opened his eyes. He let out a disbelieving laugh at that, but accepted the bag. “Holy fucking shit.”
“Hm?” James asked with a frown, trying to remember the exact location of Regulus’s house as he made a turn.
“I’m trying not to throw up in your car. I think I did fucking shots off of some girl’s tits tonight and you’re picking up kids from football.” Regulus scoffed.
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Not for you,” Regulus muttered. “Maybe I should have stayed nobody.”
James thought he should have been offended by Regulus’s implication that he was nobody, but the truth was, James liked his life. He liked the predictability and mundaneness of it all. He liked his boring job with its regular hours and office parties. He liked having his weekends to see his parents and his friends, catch up on errands, or work on his garden. James liked being nobody.
“Do you not like it? Being somebody?” James asked after a moment.
Regulus didn’t respond, eyes shut once again, arms crossed over his chest like he could keep himself together if he held on tight enough. He was quiet for long enough that James wasn’t expecting him to answer when he finally spoke.
“I don’t like me.” He whispered. “So no, I don’t like it, but I’ve never liked my life because I don’t like myself and that’s not something I know how to fix.”
James knew the feeling. He’d spent years trying to drown himself and drugs and alcohol to ease the sting of existing. “Sometimes if you start treating yourself better the rest follows.”
Regulus snorted. “Don’t preach self-help book bullshit to me. It’s not the same, I’m not the same as you.”
“I know that—”
“I was better for a while.” Regulus cut him off. “And everyone can say that I didn’t fucking try or that it’s my fault for not staying that way, but it’s different. I’m not you, I can’t be anything else. I tried and I failed. So, if you’re going to suggest I get clean and go to some magic rehab that will fix me you can let me out of the car right here.”
James didn’t reply. He knew Regulus was wrong. He knew that he’d had half-hearted attempts at recovery over the years. Remembered Sirius’s wide eyes last year as he said hopefully: “I really think this might be it this time. He seems a lot better.” It didn’t last. James didn’t think Regulus really wanted it to, that was the problem. James had learned you had to really, really want it to stay clean. Every day was another battle, and sometimes it felt just as fresh as it had the day he'd overdosed, but James held onto that feeling, the fear. The pure terror and desperation when James had realized he wasn’t ready to die.
The thing with Regulus, the terrible awful, kept-James-up-at-night thing… was that James wasn’t sure Regulus wanted to live at all. In fact, he was terrified that Regulus wouldn’t even mind if his bad habits brought death knocking at his door. Fear of death couldn’t convince him to recover if he wasn’t afraid of dying to begin with.
James didn’t say any of that, he didn’t get down on his knees and beg Regulus to come home because he was sure Regulus wouldn’t hesitate to jump out of the moving car. He kept his mouth shut as they pulled up to Regulus’s house.
Regulus didn’t speak as he quickly got out of the car, stumbling a little as he tried to step forward, James was out in an instant, wrapping an arm around Regulus’s waist to steady him. He helped the younger man into his house, keeping him upright.
Once inside, James sat Regulus down at the kitchen table before starting tea for him, frowning at the way he was shaking.
“You don’t need to coddle me,” Regulus complained as James grabbed a blanket off the back of the sofa, returning to throw it over Regulus’s shoulders.
“It’s not coddling.”
“Then what?”
James just sent him an unimpressed glare before turning to the kettle. “Love.”
“You don’t still love me.”
“Don’t talk about things you know nothing about.”
Regulus scoffed. “This is about me. I think I’d know—”
“No, you haven’t been here, you don’t know me now. You don’t know how I feel.”
“I do know you. I can’t unknow you.” Regulus's words were tinged with bitterness, as if he’d tried.
“Well,” James conceded hollowly, “you don’t know how I feel.”
“Maybe… maybe I don't. I don’t understand why you still come every time I ask you to.”
“I promised, didn’t I?”
“I didn’t believe you.”
James left the kettle to boil on the stove, turning to face Regulus. Despite complaining, he’d pulled the blanket tight around his shoulders. His hair was longer again, curling at his collar just the way James liked it. It’d always been cut short in the first few years of Slytherin’s fame and even from a distance, James had mourned Regulus’s curls. Now they were back and as messy as ever, such a sharp contrast to the intense impenetrable wall that was Regulus’s gaze. Eyes always steady, always intentional.
There was a tattoo peeking out from the collar of Regulus’s shirt, he hadn’t had that the last time they’d slept together, nearly four years earlier at that point. James had stopped allowing himself to lose control, but god he wanted to. He wanted to bite the skin of Regulus’s throat and crawl as close as he could possibly get. And still, he knew from experience, that wouldn’t be enough.
“I know,” was all James said, instead of consume me. Ruin me. Cut me into little bits and swallow me whole so that no part of me is absent from you. “There’s more to life than this.” James swallowed down the monster screaming in his chest.
“I don’t believe that either,” Regulus said flatly, and James wondered if he said that instead of I’m sorry. If he scowled instead of begging James to stay. James wished he would. He’d do it, do anything Regulus asked.
The kettle began to whistle on the stove and James turned his back. He didn’t realize Regulus had stood until he was right behind him and James was spinning so they were face to face.
They stayed like that. Caught in a breath, frozen in the moment.
“I think the distance was best for both of you.” Sirius had during one late night spent on his sofa when he’d hesitantly brought up Regulus. James had just nodded numbly, he didn’t have the heart to tell his friend that he and Regulus had never really broken apart, never fully stopped orbiting one another.
James didn’t know who moved first. It wasn’t so important at the time, but it would be later. Later, James would be certain it was Regulus, and that was significant. That meant something. Regulus never moved first, he watched and waited, gauging everyone else around him before making a decision. But this time… this time James was sure Regulus had moved first. He’d stepped over the line, pushed James against the counter, and kissed him hard enough that nothing else mattered.
James kissed back, fireworks bursting in his mind, body humming with the need to be closer, to put his hands on every inch of Regulus’s body. Regulus dropped the blanket from his shoulders and his shirt was quick to follow before James was pushing him backward.
They stumbled up the stairs and into Regulus’s bedroom, falling onto the bed in a puddle of limbs and searching hands.
In a short amount of time, so few days you could count them on your fingers, James Potter would lay on the very same bed and sob. But that wasn’t yet.
Please, don’t take him from me. Please I’m not done yet, I love him, I love him. Please.
Regulus didn’t pull away immediately after, and James, who was always so greedy for him, didn’t either. Instead, he wrapped Regulus in his arms, tea forgotten downstairs. He pressed a kiss to Regulus’s hair, not missing the way he pressed in closer. How strange, that despite everything that had changed, at the end of the day, they were still just James and Regulus. Hopelessly and tragically intertwined in this life and every other. Maybe in another life, they’d have a happier ending. Maybe in another, James would stay.
James stood, once the sun had risen high in the sky and he knew his life was waiting for him outside the quiet of Regulus’s bedroom.
Regulus let James disentangle himself, and grab his discarded clothes from the floor. Regulus didn’t look, simply stared at the ceiling. James wanted to turn back, wanted to stay.
He’d spend every day for the rest of his life wishing he’d stayed, replaying that moment. Regulus Black, curls fanned out on the pillows, cheeks pink, chest rising and falling with every breath. So beautiful and striking and alive.
James paused in the doorway, pulling on his shirt. “There is more,” he whispered. Regulus’s eyes had fallen closed and made no motion to show he was listening, but James knew he was. “There’s more to life than this, and it’s possible for you to have more. I want you to have it. So if you’re ever ready, you come find me. I’ll give you anything Reg, all you’ve ever had to do is ask.”
Regulus rarely asked, he certainly didn’t now. So, James didn’t either. He didn’t ask why Regulus had called him that night, what had happened to shake him up enough to. James didn’t ask why Regulus had kissed him. He didn’t ask do you love me? Do you want me? Will you have me? Will you let me love you?
Instead, James left Regulus there with no idea that this was the last time he’d ever see him alive.
James left.
He left and three days later, in the middle of a work day, his boss came to James with wide eyes and brought him to her office where Sirius was sitting, eyes hollow and fingers clasped together so tightly his knuckles were white.
“Regulus overdosed,” Sirius said, not meeting James’s eye.
James didn’t ask if he was okay, and Sirius never said it, but James had known. Probably even known from the moment his boss had come to fetch him that Regulus Black was dead.
Regulus was dead and James had left.
After
⋆｡°✩
James was standing at the wake, his suit uncomfortable, his shoulders tight. Regulus Black’s ghost was smiling in the back of his mind. Eyes wide the day James had handed him his first guitar. He was smiling, his laugh pressed into James’s pulse, he was rolling his eyes, pushing his hair out of his face in the shower, swatting James’s hands away as they tried to grab for his wet curls. He was kissing James first in his kitchen, body warm, breath on James’s face. Bright and glorious and alive.
“How do you know him?” Dorcas Meadowes asks.
James wants to scream. Wants to tear the whole fucking world down and watch it burn while the blood dries on his fingers.
“I didn’t.”
It was a lie.
--
“Coffee Pads?”
Sirius blinked, seeming to snap back to himself. James didn’t ask where he’d gone.
“Uh, yes sure, thanks Prongs.”
James poured Sirius a cup, adding sugar and cream the way he liked before passing it over. Sirius accepted it with a small smile and Sirius nudged him gently. “Okay?”
“Yeah, I just…” Sirius trailed off taking a deep breath. “Isn’t visiting a grave kind of stupid? It’s not like he’ll know we’re there.”
“Dunno, I think it’s more for us than them… do you not want to go?”
“No, I do,” Sirius said quickly. “I mean it’s been a year; I think— I think we should. That’s what we’re supposed to do.”
“I don’t want us to do it because we’re ‘supposed to’ Sirius. Do you want to?”
Sirius hesitated for a moment before nodding slowly. “I- yes, I think so.”
“Okay,” James said softly, “then we’ll go.”
Even as they piled into James’s car, Sirius still seemed uncertain, and James reached out to squeeze his shoulder.
“Alright?”
Sirius let out a sigh, letting his eyes fall closed for a moment before sitting up straight and pulling something out of his pocket, and handing it to James.
It was a picture. James and Regulus, younger, wrapped up in each other, blissfully unaware.
“I- I kept this,” Sirius mumbled. “I thought you’d want it one day. I’m not sure if that day is now but… if not now, when?”
James examined the photograph, holding it delicately before taking a deep breath and pressing it to his mouth. “Thank you,” James said, even as the words came out sticky and choked. He quickly wiped at the tears that had escaped down his cheeks. Carefully, James set the photo on his dashboard, and Sirius didn’t comment on it.
James wished he’d stayed.
I wasn’t ready. I loved you, I love you. I would have come back to you if you’d asked, and you would have asked. You were trying to ask.
I wasn’t ready for you to be taken from me.
Somewhere, Regulus Black was laughing as James pressed kisses to every inch of his face. Somewhere James was sobbing as it hit him that he'd never see Regulus again. James was leaving and Regulus was writing a letter he'd never get to send, they were promising forever in the Potter's front yard and the sun was shining, the world was ending. A million little moments happening on top of each other, all at once, none of it in a way that made sense.
Grief, James found, was circular.
If you begin dying from the moment you're born, James thought that made he'd been losing Regulus from that day too. But maybe he'd been loving Regulus from that moment as well.
I wasn't ready, but nothing, not even death could take all of you from me.
James would carry Regulus Black close to his heart until the day he died.
Seven years after
-Sirius-
⋆｡°✩
James was laughing at whatever story Remus had just told. Remus, who leaning forward in the back seat, one hand absently dangling a toy at their son who at just ten months old, was really starting to become a menace and needed some sort of distraction at every moment of the day. Peter was cooing at the baby, with adoring eyes.
A song came on the radio, and Sirius instantly recognized his brother’s voice. In the early days, it’d haunted him. No matter where he went, he couldn’t escape it. Regulus Black, the legend, the tragedy. Regulus Black, who changed everything about music as they knew it. But most of all, Regulus Black, Sirius’s brother.
Now, Sirius felt them all notice the song, watched the way Remus tilted his head, and Peter frowned.
Sirius looked to the driver's seat, James had his eyes fixed on the road, head nodding slightly as he mouthed the words to the song. A song that Sirius was sure Regulus had written about James. The song ended and eventually, another came on, James still nodding along to it absently.
“What?” James asked, seeming to realize Sirius was staring at him.
“Does it hurt? Hearing those?”
The fact that James knew what Sirius was referring to instantly, told Sirius that he hadn’t been listening to Regulus’s song quite as casually as he’d appeared to.
“Yes,” James said after a moment. “But not always in a bad way.”
Sirius nodded, he looked to the picture on James’s dash. Tucked safely to the back now after the sun had started to bleach some years back it and James had a breakdown over it. He looked at his brother’s face, at James’s, so young and unaware of what was to come.
“Huh…” Sirius said after a moment.
James glanced away from the road to look at Sirius. “What?”
In the back of the car, the love of Sirius’s life was sitting next to their son. Pete and James were both there, his closest friends, family really. They were on their way to see Effie and Monty, the two people who’d given Sirius a home he was never supposed to have. Sirius thought of James who had a job he loved, a house he’d put his soul into renovating to his liking, and three dogs (which were according to Effie, two too many). He was okay, happy even, most of the time. There were so many beautiful parts of life, and Sirius was grateful for them. Every day, it still lingered like the ache of a phantom limb, but grief wasn’t quite so sharp anymore.
“Nothing…” Sirius said after a moment, letting his head fall back and smiling at the picture of Regulus. “I just realized we lived through it.”
Notes:
Well... :)
I'm kidding I wasn't smiling through any of this, I genuinely sobbed while writing. The part where Sirius asks Effie if get's better?? I had to take a break to cry and then come back to it. Idk why I'm hurting myself.
I wanted to update earlier today but idk I had this pesky little thing called work??
Anyway, that's it. I hope you enjoyed. This was really to challenge myself because I don't usually write MCD (I'm too soft for that) and I really wanted to play with the limited/unreliable narrator. Like, in the end, we still have no idea what happened with Regulus, how exactly he died, or why he called James, because JAMES (and Sirius) don't know. I just thought it was interesting to write something that revolves around a dead character who we can't step into the shoes or mind of.
(ALSO the fact that this is 27k words is just fucking brilliant)
Sorry for any pain, take care of yourselves and go read something fluffy and cute now, ily <3
Tiktok: @rweoutofthewoodsyet
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seaofmoonlight on Chapter 1 Fri 26 May 2023 05:19AM UTC
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Last Edited Fri 26 May 2023 10:36PM UTC
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