Chapter Text
The streets were filled with various christmas decorations, twinkling colorful lights, one or two christmas trees and tons of snow.
Soap leaned against the brickwall not far from the bars entrance watching the people on the street. His coworkers decided friday nights couldn´t be spent better than drinking yourself into a stupor, not that Soap drank often.
Exhaling a plume of smoke from his cigarette, someone stood beside him, pulling him out of his thoughts. Mark was one of the less annoying coworkers working at the office, his ego was a little inflated but that was no challenge for Soap. He learned to read him like a book when the man came to ask work related favors of him.
"There you are, thought you already went home." He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, patting his pockets down, a curse leaving his lips. Soap held out his lighter, getting a 'thanks' in return.
"Why would I go home when I could be here and spend my time with my lovely coworkers. There´s no place I´d rather be." Soap smiled but anyone sober or paying more attention saw that it didn´t reach his eyes, he patted Mark on the shoulder before stubbing the cherry of his cigarette out on the trash can next to him.
"We asked the boss to join us tonight." Soap turned his head to watch Mark take a deep drag of his cigarette, looking out onto the street like he had done himself before getting company.
He let out a humourless laugh, lighting another cigarette.
"Let me guess, he said no." That got him a light punch to the shoulder. He watched the other man exhale the smoke, lingering on his lips a little too long. Catching himself he turned to look up into the grey sky, taking a drag of his cigarette.
"Fuck off, in the five years that I have been working at Ghost´s Company he has maybe joined us one or two times. Besides, he always gets weird right around Christmas time. I just thought it would be polite to ask, eventho I knew he´d decline." Mark dropped his half smoked cigarette, stumping it out. Soap huffed, masking it with the smoke he exhaled. What a waste.
He hummed in thought. Moving to Manchester a little over a year ago to work for one of his dream companies. In the year he had been working under his Boss strangely named Ghost, (Soap almost laughed tears when he found out that the founder and CEO of the company called himself Ghost until he met the intimidating man behind the name) he hadn´t seen the man join even one of the many outings they did. He always had thought that CEOs were supposed to join their coworkers to keep spirits high in a company, but maybe the too many korean-dramas his younger sister forced him to watch with her were to blame for that very wrong assumption.
"I think I´ll head out now." It was getting late but Soap didn´t want to spend any more of his free time with people he saw everyday at work. His mother would be shocked to hear that he needed time for himself, not standing to be surrounded 24/7.
"I´ll see you on monday, have a good night mate." Mark gave him a clap on his shoulder and turned back to the entrance. Soap thought he imagined a disappointed frown on the mans face but he chalked it up to imagination. He also was tired from work this week and also also, he didn´t care that much that Mark was disappointed in him for whatever reason.
He didn´t let himself think of any reason that could might be. Knowing himself he would spiral until he wouldn´t know what fiction and reality was, walk up to Mark on monday and apologize and get a confused answer in return and then he would really loose it.
Soap blinked several times, cursing under his breath when he realized that he had actually walked into a bar. He was maybe going crazy for real now. Maybe he was just really really tired. Taking a seat at the bar he ordered scotch, deciding that he would just take that explanation and run with it.
It was late when Soap got home. Stumbling to the bathroom he opened the buttons of his hem. He didn´t drink much but still felt tipsy. After taking a shower he set a glass of water and an aspirin on his bedside table. There wasn´t work on Saturdays but he sure as hell wasn´t going to spend the day hungover either.
Sighing he settled under the sheets and fell asleep just mere moments later.
The next morning after breakfast he decided to make christmas cards like every year. He had already bought the paper and used his trusty acrilyc paints he had taken with him when moving here from Scottland. He started with cards for his family: yellow roses for his mother which were her favourite, then a sheep and a border collie dog for his father and a horse wearing a christmas jumper for his older brother. His older sister got a frog, since she had been obsessed with them recently. For his gran he drew the old cottage she lived in and the surrounding greenery, all from memory.
He felt his eyes prinpick with the telltale of tears, blinking them away as quickly as he felt them. Man, he missed home. He reminded himself that it wasn´t an option going home for christmas this year. Soap hadn´t even bothered asking for any days off for christmas. His old uni professor had told him it wasn´t a good look to take any vacation when you start out new at any company. Proving yourself by working hard even if there was an holiday showed diligence and he had worked hard to get to where he was now.
Countless hours spent working overtime and barely taking any time off for himself was Soaps idea of working hard and judging how he had never been called into Ghosts office to be chewed out about a mistake proved to him that Ghost was satisfied with his work. Frankly, he didn´t have too much to do with his boss. Soaps position at the company wasn´t important enough to attend any meetings beside the ones everyone had to attend but even then Ghost was represented by the head secretary Janette which has grown to favor Soap in every aspect, even sending him home sometimes when she noticed he had been working overtime again, not that he minded.
Soap decided to make cards for his coworkers too since he was already at it. On the floor he worked on were about 20 people he interacted with almost daily. Making cards for the whole company seemed ridiculous and Soap didn´t have enough paper for that anyway. He decided to paint sightseeing places around Scotland, maybe it would cure his homesickness at least a little. It could also make it ten times worse, but that was a risk he was willing to take.
He had one blank card left and decided, with no one specific in mind, to paint his favorite spot from home. Smiling he finished the last stroke depicting a little creak surrounded by green meadows and high mountains in the backround. He used to spend hours running around the highlands with his gran and siblings, committing everything to memory.
Laying all the cards out he found the last one he created to be the most beautiful one. Writing basically the same text of 'Merry Christmas and a happy New Year' 20 times he decided on a whim to dedicate the last one to his boss, Ghost. And before he thought better of it, he started writing:
Dear Sir,
I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I am very thankful for the past year and the opportunities that came along the way. I enjoy working among my colleagues and you of course and hope for many more years to follow, if you´ll have me.
I wish you a great holiday and time to relax. Working hard as you do you surely deserve it!
With kind regards,
John MacTavish
He smiled thinking about the grumpy man reading the card, staring at the landscape at the front. His smile fell as he suddenly felt unsure. Was this unprofessional? Did people usually gift anything to their coworkers for Christmas? He put each card into an envelope, writing the last name of his coworkers on the back and put them in a small bag, ready to be distributed on monday.
Whatever, people smiled too little nowadays as it was. A small gesture like this surely would put a smile on everyones faces. He put extra effort into writing the calligraphy on Ghosts envelope.
He hoped Ghosts would be among the smiles.
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Christmas Eve 20:49
It was already dark outside when Soap turned to look away from his computer screen. Lifting his arms above his head to stretch he let out a high groan
"Fucking finally" He was finished with the last email to a client and started shutting down several tabs before also shutting his laptop off. The easy part was done, now came the hardest part of today. Something he had been dreading since getting the very creative idea of drawing christmas cards. And being even more creative when he decided to give the prettiest one to his boss.
Shaking his head he closed his eyes, sighing. Overthink this wasn´t helping, it was just a card for his superior. Nothing weird about that. Even his favourite colleague Janette got one, tho hers was just a simple one he spent 10 minutes on.
Oh.
BUT, his mind supplied very helpfully, you didn´t exactly choose to take extra effort for Ghosts card. It was just a happy coincidence that you had one card left and that you drew your favourite spot from home. Soap couldn´t argue with his own logic so he just took it and ran with it.
He got up slowly, starting to clean his desk. The slowness was of course because Soap was tired, and definitely not because he was dreading handing this stupid card he put an stupid amount of time and effort into to his boss, that wasnt it at all. Nope. He decided gaslighting himself in this situation was the smartest idea.
But denial is a river in Egypt, therefore Soap decided to grab his nerves curling into knots in his stomach by the throat and got a move on.
He stood in the door of his small office and sweeped a look over the room one last time. Making sure he had everything before flicking the lights off. Laptop in his bag and jacket under his arm he closed the door. Patting down his jacket he felt the outline of the christmas card. He had the feeling it was weighing down the jacket like a brick.
Making his way over to Ghosts office he shuddered as he walked trough the dark office spaces. The corridor leading to his superiors office has always been intimidating, more so in this silence and the dark when everyone had already left hours ago. Well, almost everyone.
Stopping in front of the door, he looked up at the gold placette reading "GHOST" before taking a very deep breath in, trying to ease the nausea sitting high in his throat, making it hard to swallow. But it only made the corners of his sight dance with black dots. He forced his breathing to be even, making himself hyperventilate or even worse, pass out, wouldn´t be very helpful right now, that much he knew without having to be a doctor.
"You can do this, MacTavish." He whispered to no one but himself. Raising his hand to knock before he could overthink it. Well, no going back now. He had to live with the decisions he made in life, even if he thought they were studpid in hindsight and regretted them and-
"What?" Came the gruff response from inside, snapping Soap out of whatever highspeed, freight train of a thought he was about to have.
Oh shit. Did he make too much sound? Did Ghost sound mad? Maybe he was mad, after all it was kind of late and he has probably been working all day and maybe now just wasn't a good tim-
"Fucking hell MacTavish, come in." Ghost definitely sounded annoyed.
"Fuck me." Soap whispered under his breath as he moved his hand to grab the handle and open the door. He peaked his head in, spotting Ghost sitting behind his menacingly big oak desk, arms crossed in front of his chest, black hem he was wearing straining visibly around the broad shoulders. Soap took an imaginary baseball bat and smacked whatever thoughts tried to even begin to form, that hadn´t anything to do with his mission, to death.
"I'm sorry for the disturbance, sir, I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time. May I enter?" He tried his hardest to make his voice sound normal, but the lack of sleep and nervousness made it hard to cover up the slight shake in it.
The man behind the desk just sighed, fixing a pointed look at Soap.
Was he disappointed? Annoyed? No, he was definitely mad. Mad at me. This was a stupid idea. What the hell, I shouldn't have-
"It's always a bad time. And I told you to come in, so step inside and close the damn door." Ghost literally growled. At that sound Soap tossed the imaginary baseball bat to the side and pulled out an imaginary axe instead.
He stepped inside fully, closing the door as gently as possible behind him and walked to stand in front of the big oak desk, looking at his shoes. He liked these Vans, they were comfy. He should get another one for himself for Christmas.
"Make it quick, I don't have all day" again the gruff voice, definitely sounding annoyed and impatient. No wonder, all Soap kept doing was dissociating. Dissociating and fighting demons with an imaginary axe. He almost chuckled at himself before also slashing that thought.
He cleared his throat and looked up to meet his superiors eyes, since it felt like permission to do so now and warm brown met icy blue, or it would if his superiors face wasn´t dipped half in shadows from the badly lit room and his signature black surgical mask. The only light source coming from a desk lamp next to Ghost, bathing him in soft and warm hues. Ghost tilted his head to the side, illuminating one side of his face. The brown in his eye looked like melted chocolate, sending a comfortable shiver down Soaps spine at the thought.
Soap tried to interpret his face, but he only had Ghosts eyes to work with. The constant knick in his eyebrows and the hard gaze he could decipher only translated to one emotion.
Annoyance.
"It's somewhat late and I'm clocking out now. I just wanted to-"
"Get to the fucking point, I have things to finish and you're wasting my time Mactavish"
He got interrupted. Rude. He couldn't help but flinch at the increase of volume. He cleared his throat again to mask it.
"Ah apologies sir." He stuck his hand in the pocket of his jacket, pulling the envelope with the card out and looked down at it.
Ghost Riley in Soaps prettiest calligraphy adorned the middle of the envelope. He felt a little stupid holding it in front of him, feeling like he was confessing to his crush. Slash.
"I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas sir." His voice came out soft, genuine. Soap placed the card on the edge of the desk, he did not want to overstep any more boundaries and make Ghost take it out of his hand. He had to learn the hard way that his habit of being touchy wasn´t welcome in the work enviroment, much less when it came to his superior and boss.
He lifted his gaze to look at Ghosts face. He looked shocked, almost perplexed at the card before remembering his stoic nature and looking back at Soap with an unreadable expression. The scot sent him a soft smile and could see the brits eyes soften for a second before the knick in his eyebrow returned and he looked annoyed again.
"What the fuck is that?" He barked out annoyed, scrunching his face up in what Soap interpreted as disgust and Soaps smile fell appruptly as he subconsciously looked back down at his feet. Wow he felt stupid now.
"Just a nice gesture, sir, since it is Christmas after all." And since ye are like the Grinch ye probably dinnae celebrate it, so I thought ye´d maybe be happy about getting a nice card, but apparently I was dead wrong about that. Slash, slash, slash.
Soap peeked up from under his lashes and saw that shocked expression again. Like all the other times Soap went out of his way to do something remotely nice for Ghost. The man looked like he was expecting Soap to jump up on the his desk, grab the envelope and pull a middle finger out of it, shove it into his face and yell "ye got pranked, suck my ass, I resign. Merry Christmas, ye fucker!"
He looked up at Soap with a confused look in his eye and when that, in fact, didn´t happen he looked away again. The brit looked to the side, Soap noticed the small digital calendar, displaying todays date. He looked like he got woken up from a deep sleep, it would have been comical if he went ahead and rubbed his eyes sleepily.
24. December
Ghost snapped out of it again, but his eyes looked almost hurt. Something rushed over his visible features before he let out an annoyed huff, closing his eyes before opening them again. The usual distance was back in the again and Soap felt like he had just imagined the show of emotions he had just experienced.
"Wouldn't fucking matter if it was the end of the world. Now get out, you're dismissed."
Okay ouch.
He expected to get at least a ´thanks, I hate it!´ or an immediate letter of resignation, but not this.
Fucking prick.
Whatever, he was stupid to expect anything at all. This was the real world and people didn´t just do small gestures like this for the sole purpose of being nice. He just... felt disappointed that trying his best to be nice wasn´t very appreciated but he felt even worse about the fact that judging by that reaction Ghost had a very cold heart. A cold heart that had probably become bitter and cold because no one ever did anxthing nice for him.
Soap didn't lift his gaze again, just nodded weakly and turned to leave. One hand on the handle he stopped, fighting the telltale prinpick of tears in his eyes. Fuck. He almost almost spilled his thoughts then and there. But he decided to let it go if, maybe...
Shaking his head slightly he pushed the handle down.
"Merry Christmas, sir." He whispered as his voice broke and the first tear slid down his cheek which he quickly wiped away with his hand, much more forceful than necessary before the door clicked shut behind him.
Sitting in his car, turning the heating on he crossed his arms on the steering wheel, laying his head down. He shivered despite the heating being turned to full blast, making it feel like he was sitting in a furnace, unable to warm his chilled bones within. He cried for what felt like hours. But his dashboard told him it had only been 15 minutes. Silent sobs escaped his throat before he pulled himself together. frcing himself to stop crying and started the car.
He felt frustrated with himself. It wasn't like him to just cry for no reason. Well, he kind of had a reason, but he welcomed the denial with open arms. A comfortable numbness enclosed him as he silently drove to his apartment. He passed people on the streets, looking like they just came from a bar, huddled together to shield each other from the biting cold. Soap couldn´t help but shudder as he saw two people kissing, despite the heat in the car he felt a slight chill stab at his heart.
His apartment lay dark and lonely and Soap hated it.
Hated the loneliness.
Hated the cold.
Hated Gh-
He didn't finish that thought.
He didn't hate him.
He slapped himself softly on the cheek a few times. Overreacting was just a stupid thing he did sometimes. Sometimes being every time his thoughts drifted off. Sleep deprivation and being alone on christmas made sometimes turn into always and the imaginary weapons to keep his thoughts in check only were useful for short period of times before he had to go out to sharpen them again.
"Hate is a strong emotion, Johnny. Just like love you should be careful and think before you tell someone you feel either emotion towards them."
Remembering his grans words made him smile involutarily. The soft smile dropped as he put his laptop down on the kitchen island, his shoulders dropping with the loud sigh he let out. Right, thats why he wasn't at home in Scotland with his family, eating self-made cookies and making everyone wear stupid christmas jumpers while watching barbie movies.
Because of work.
Because of Ghost.
Same difference, wasn't it?
No. Soap despised his kind heart sometimes. He didn't stay because of work. He stayed because of Ghost.
When all of his coworkers left to go home to their families, Soap stayed. Because he cared. Cared too much when he shouldn't at all. But also he didn´t have anyone to come home to and he had the feeling that Ghost didn´t either. The man was very reserved, no one knew anything about him really. He just popped out of nowhere with his company almost 5 years ago, realeased one of the best open world games to date and made a name for himself.
But Soap couldn't help it.
He couldn´t help but notice that despite owning a whole company at a fairly young age, Ghost was alone. Even in a room full of people he was alone. Lonely. And Soap noticed because when everyone turned away at the unclimbable walls Ghost built around himself, Soap knocked, curious as to what laid behind them. He knocked, not expecting and also not receiving an answer, but being nosy he got creative and tried everything to get a peek.
Well it was too late now, he wouldn't be surprised to find an email containing his termination without notice after the stunt he just pulled. He could only hope that Ghost just didn´t read it all. Well it was a little too late to regret the choices he made, he knew that choices had consequences after all-
"Fuck it. I don't care."
He knew he was lying to himself, but he would let himself believe in that delusion tonight.
Walking to his kitchen ravaging his alcohol cabinet he found what he was looking for. This was the first christmas away from home and he missed his gran, even more after opening the last text message she sent him.
*image*
We miss ya Johnny Boy, visit soon.
His lips turned down in a sad smile, looking at the picture of his grandma, holding the journal Soap made for her last christmas. The cover was decorated with pressed and drawn flowers, tho now it looked well loved and used.
He shut off his phone for the night.
If he cried a little more that night that was between him and the whiskey bottle he cracked open.