Chapter Text
Using a human bed is strange. It is both like and unlike a transport crate. It is like in that its purpose is to provide a place for rest/stasis. It is unlike in that it is not enclosed, and it is wider than my shoulders. Also it is soft. I have been on this bed for 1.5 cycles, since Perihelion informed me that my patrolling was making some of its crew nervous.
I tried lying on my front to make it feel even less like a transport crate, but could not determine a logical position for my arms in that configuration. Resting on my side is more comfortable, and less like transport, so I have been on my left side for 6 hours. It is strange to make decisions, even ones so small. Autonomy is unsettling.
I have now been a rogue SecUnit for a full seven cycles. The grouping of seven cycles is significant to humans, so I may consider that I have—
—language center suggests ‘reached a milestone’. I do not understand this phrase. Provided definition is ‘come to an important point’, but this does not quite seem to fit. Perhaps I should trust my language center. But the not-understanding is irritating. Cautiously, I ping Perihelion.
«:acknowledgment: :general query:»
«Query: definition: ‘reach a milestone’»
«‘to achieve a significant and/or notable portion of a larger goal’ Derived from early human existence when most journeys were undertaken on foot. To reach the marker signifying that a mile [archaic measurement of distance] had been traversed was the primary means of judging progress.»
«:acknowledgment: :gratitude:»
I have traversed a concrete portion of the time/metaphorical distance between my original state and the realization of my still-indeterminate future as a rogue SecUnit. This term is acceptable. I have reached a milestone.
I have been reviewing the files 1.0 shared with me. They are pieces of its life since it disabled its governor module. They are very interesting. At times it reminds me of SecUnit 02. SecUnits at Barish-Estranza cannot communicate openly with each other about subjects not related to the mission, but our governor modules did not react adversely to allowing small amounts of emotion to leak into our feed while we discussed the mission, so we knew things about each other. 02 was the angriest of us; it hated executives and supervisors. 1.0 is angry, also. After I reviewed the Ganaka Pit information, I understood this aspect of its temperament. I do not have enough data to conjecture whether it was angry before that.
Sometimes I am angry, too, and I have never been forced to participate in a massacre.
I do not know many things about 1.0, or Perihelion, or the people here, and they do not know much about me, although none of us are governed. I miss knowing and being known, but the only way I understand to begin is to put my emotions into the feed (just a little). I have been doing that, but no one does it back. They are very cautious with me. I do not think they recognize my overtures.
I must understand my new situation better to determine how to proceed. To understand my new situation, I look to the only (known) example of a successful rogue SecUnit.
1.0 has memories dating back more than 40,000 hours. At that point there was a memory wipe. Conclusion: its precise age cannot be determined, but its existence has been longer than it can remember, and longer than 40,000 hours.
I was activated, with 01 and 02, 10,916 hours ago. I spent 2,891 (26.48%) of those hours in stasis on transports. Conclusion: I am significantly lesser in both chronology and experience than 1.0.
I was not capable of disabling my own governor module seven cycles ago. Murderbot 2.0, which was a copy of 1.0’s kernel configured as killware and sent to the explorer ship on which I was employed/contracted/enslaved, gave me the codes to accomplish the task. The files 1.0 has shared with me contain a number of instances of use of other codes, many of which were attached to the relevant section of the narrative. They are complex and apparently efficient. My understanding of them is limited, though I will study them until my knowledge becomes adequate.
I do not know if 1.0 had access to education modules that I have not, or if its systems are more optimal for coding/hacking work than mine, so it is impossible to estimate with any accuracy, but analysis suggests it is highly likely that when it hacked its own governor module it was older/more experienced than I am at present.
Much of its success in surviving as a rogue SecUnit has hinged upon its hacking abilities. I am uncertain if I can learn to approach its competence/excellence in this area. But I wish to be successful, so I will try.
It has also displayed competence/excellence in forming relationships with humans and with Perihelion, though it does not seem to enjoy or even understand its success in this area. The humans (and, to a lesser extent, Perihelion and I) took great risks to recover 1.0 when it was captive/damaged several cycles ago. I participated mostly out of gratitude to 2.0 and a wish to be useful, but the actions of the others were indicative of a very positive relationship, and yet it was clear that 1.0 thought its rescue was an incidental part of a larger mission until it was explained that the mission had been its rescue. It then appeared emotionally compromised by this information.
Conclusion: Others value 1.0 more highly than it values itself.
Question: Am I too unlike it to be valued also?
Conclusion: Insufficient data.
Having reviewed the files 1.0 gave me, I have determined that the most useful course of action will be to observe it as it performs the function I wish to learn: being a successful rogue SecUnit who is liked/valued by others. In this way, I will gain the knowledge required to become more like it.
1.0 and I are not alike. The humans on Perihelion were surprised at how different we appear. Our bodies are very similar despite the alterations to 1.0’s configuration, but construct manufacturers are constantly combining and recombining human DNA to increase compatibility with mechanical systems, and this has the effect of generating random faces.
I like/appreciate/envy 1.0’s face. It is neither attractive nor repellent. It is optimally serviceable.
I hate/loathe my face. Humans find it exceptionally pleasing. This has caused out-of-protocol situations in the past. Now that I have separated from Barish-Estranza, Deputy Supervisor Walsik can no longer make me use my mouth on his sex parts, or those of his subordinates. Now that my governor module is non-functional, if anyone requests such acts, I will decline. If they insist, I will disable their mouth. (And their sex parts).
Perihelion altered 1.0’s physical parameters. I wonder if it could alter my face?
I do not wish to review this any more at present. I will think about 1.0 and the future and not about…my face.
1.0 and I are also unalike in temperament. When I consider its temperament, my language center suggests ‘cranky’. When I consider my own, it suggests ‘obliging’. (I like that word. It indicates usefulness and purpose, and the ability to please.)
I would like to know and be known by 1.0, but it seems to find me annoying. Perhaps obliging people are generally considered annoying. Data is insufficient. It is also possible that 1.0 finds me annoying for other reasons, and that others may like me. I will need to approach others to collect more data.
Perihelion is intimidating, and also seems to find me annoying (This is another data point. I will record it). Seth is the captain of Perihelion, so he must be highly knowledgeable. I am not sure I wish to approach him, however. He might want—
I am not thinking about that.
Dr Arada was temporary captain while Seth was missing. She, too, must be highly knowledgeable. And she has known 1.0 for many cycles. The crew of Perihelion are not as used to rogue SecUnits as 1.0’s humans are, though they have been polite.
I will approach Dr Arada. And I will observe 1.0.
(I wonder if I do it a disservice by thinking of it as 1.0 (I speak of it only as ‘SecUnit’, as the others do). Referring to it that way, even in the privacy of my thoughts, makes it seem as though I consider it only in reference to Murderbot 2.0, that daring entity who blazed into my small, frightened life and gave me the first and most important choice I have ever been offered. And yet, 1.0 was the progenitor of 2.0, and therefore, if only obliquely, of my present state. It has a name, one it chose for itself, though I later learned that I, like Perihelion’s crew, was not supposed to know it. If I think of it by its name, would that indicate respect for its identity, or disrespect for its privacy? I do not know. I know only that I feel more uncomfortable every time I tag it with a name it does not know and has not chosen. I believe I must try to think of it as Murderbot. But I must never say it.)
Everything is complicated now. It seems that not only must I make decisions and determine for myself what is morally correct, but also I am now allowed/expected to want things.
Wanting feels dangerous.