Chapter 1: rumours
Chapter Text
If there was one thing that Shauna Shipman hated, it was: rumours.
Her best friend, Jackie Taylor, despite having experience in being the butt of rumours—like that time in 7th grade when someone spread a rumour that Jackie gave Jeff Sadecki a blowjob in the janitor’s closet—still participates in it.
But the point was… people like rumours. Shauna supposes people were just bored. It was still rather annoying when even people like Jackie, who have experienced firsthand how bad rumours can get, still indulge in it. It was nauseating.
It was nauseating standing in the locker room, wiping herself down with a towel, and then overhearing another rumour being spread. Luckily, there hasn’t really been one about Shauna specifically. God knows how Shauna would react when that day comes. Let’s just say, it wouldn’t go well for the rumour spreader at all.
Shauna’s always had this pent-up anger inside of her. She uses soccer and journaling to channel it, to divert it to something else. She complains about her life, Jackie, Jackie’s pathetic boyfriend, society and other teenage girl shenanigans (like how she hated homecoming and the fact that Jackie and Jeff won).
But if a rumour was spread about her, she wouldn’t hesitate to take that anger out on the source itself. Shauna was not known for shying away from fights, in fact, she sometimes instigated it, especially during parties. Not necessarily fist fights—no, she hasn’t been in a physical altercation before—but she wasn’t opposed to it.
Which she knows was fucked up…
“Shauna, are you okay?” Jackie asks softly as she wiped a towelette on her own neck.
Shauna rolls her eyes as she throws her towel inside her locker. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
But she wasn’t fine. She’s never fine in the locker room. It always feels like she’s being watched, and, of course, there are always rumours being spread. It was like a gossip sanctuary. She couldn’t entirely blame people for indulging in locker room gossip though, as much as she hated it.
“Hey, have you heard about…” a voice starts on the other side of the lockers. Shauna tries to tune it out, but it was kind of hard because the locker room was quiet. “Lottie Matthews?”
Jackie and Shauna make eye contact.
Okay, despite Shauna absolutely despising rumours, somehow (probably because she’s just a teenage girl), she gets drawn into it. It was like there was nothing else more important than hearing whatever the person on the other side of the locker heard about Lottie fucking Matthews.
Jackie leans in to press her ear against her locker door as if that would help, and Shauna yanks her back by her arm and glares at her. “Are you serious?” she mouths.
“What?” Jackie mouths back as she rolls her eyes. She doesn’t go back. Instead, she crosses her arms and diverts her eyes from Shauna. Shauna can tell from the side that Jackie was doing that little pout she always did.
“She has a crush on someone,” the girl on the other side of the locker whispers. Shauna bites back a laugh at how loud she was at whispering. It was then that she realized it was Misty fucking Quigley on the other side of the locker.
“What?” and, of course, that was Crystal.
Misty wasn’t even supposed to be in the locker room. She doesn’t need to be given that she was the equipment manager. But ever since she befriended Crystal, she’s been sticking around in the locker room, where she doesn’t belong. Sometimes Shauna wonders if Misty only befriended Crystal so she can be in the locker room and be creepy.
“Did you hear that?” Jackie asks, in her loud normal voice.
Shauna hears Crystal and Misty gasp before they scurried out of the locker room, their footsteps echoing in the locker room. Shauna looks around the locker room to see Van and Tai laughing, Laura Lee combing her hair, and Nat sitting beside Lottie whispering indecipherable things, arms waving around animatedly.
Maybe Lottie had a crush on Nat. It seemed likely. Maybe that’s why they were freaking out because they’re afraid the school figured out their secret little lesbian relationship—afraid that Misty fucking Quigley outed them.
“Shauna.” Jackie’s voice snaps Shauna out of her trance and she immediately tears her eyes away from the two girls.
Okay, maybe that theory was a little crazy and bordering on assumptions and speculations that she literally hated. So, she shouldn’t indulge in it, right? She takes another glance at them before looking fully at Jackie.
“What?”
“I said, are you excited about the party tonight?” Jackie’s voice was raspy. She was looking at herself in the mirror as she combed her hair.
“Um, sure,” Shauna lies, then not even a second later: “No. I’m not. Do you know what the party’s going to be about? That stupid rumour about Lottie,” Shauna says, whispering Lottie’s name.
“Ugh, you have got to loosen up a bit, Shipman,” Jackie mutters as she applies lip gloss on her lips. Sending a wink down Shauna’s way, she says, “I already have an outfit planned.”
“I’m sure you do,” Shauna murmurs as she sits down on the bench behind them.
She watches Jackie get ready for a moment before her eyes wandered back towards Lottie and Nat in the corner. They were still heatedly whispering at each other. Shauna wondered what they were whispering about so intensely.
Then, Lottie looks over her shoulder and meets Shauna’s eyes like she could feel Shauna’s gaze on her. Shauna feels her heart skip a bit. How did Lottie know she was looking at her?
Lottie looks away almost immediately, but Shauna felt like that whole stare-off was ten years.
Weird.
The rest of the day consisted of many whispers down the hallway—whispers about things that weren’t anyone’s business really like who Lottie Matthews had a crush on.
Don’t get Shauna wrong though, she was a little curious too. Well, who wouldn’t be?
Despite Shauna knowing Lottie ever since they joined the soccer team freshman year, Lottie kept to herself, so she didn’t really know too much about her. There was the popular girl Jackie Taylor and then there was the other popular girl Lottie Matthews, who seemed to shy away from the spotlight more, like she didn’t want it, didn’t ask for it.
But Lottie was rich and she was pretty. People were bound to be attracted to her, intrigued by her. It didn’t help that she maintained this mysterious energy around her (though Shauna was sure it was only because she didn’t want to talk to anyone). If there was one thing people were interested in other than rumours, it was to figure someone out.
Shauna guessed that’s why the rumour about Lottie’s supposed crush was spreading like wildfire. People just wanted to figure Lottie out. People speculated on whether it was a girl or a boy. Were they rich or poor? Were they on Lottie’s end of the spectrum in terms of school popularity or Misty Quigley’s?
You know, just the important questions.
“Do you think Lottie’s going to cancel her party because of the rumour?” Jackie asks, her head almost fully in her locker as she applied mascara.
Shauna was sick of this conversation. All Jackie could talk about was the party and the stupid rumour. She loved Jackie, she really did, but sometimes she thinks that the only thing Jackie cared about was popularity. She’d be lying if she said it didn’t hurt.
Sometimes all Shauna would think about and worry about was Jackie, but Jackie would be too busy plotting her next step in increasing her popularity. One of those steps had been to date Jeff Sadecki. And, sure, it was what everyone could talk about for a week but now everyone was used to it so… shouldn’t they just break up? Have something else people can talk about?
“I don’t know, Jackie,” Shauna says, unable to keep her voice from sounding irritated or frustrated.
Jackie glances at her. “What crawled up your ass today?”
Shauna rolls her eyes. “What crawled up everyone’s ass? Like, who cares about who Lottie freaking likes?”
Jackie smiles as she shrugs. “It’s Lottie, Shauna.”
Shauna scoffs. “Does it mean people have to dig into her and pry into her life? She doesn’t even wanna be popular.”
Jackie looks at her, narrowing her eyes. “And how do you know that, Shipman?” she asks. “Did Lottie tell you that? Who wouldn’t wanna be popular?”
“No, I—I don’t even talk to her,” Shauna huffs, frustration bubbling up her chest. “I’m tired of it, Jackie. Can we talk about anything but the stupid party and the stupid rumours?”
“Will you come to the party or not?” Jackie says instead.
Shauna rolls her eyes so hard it almost falls out of their sockets. She slams her locker shut, making Jackie jump and look at her. “See you at Chem.”
She walks away—well, more like stomps away—leaving Jackie staring at her retreating figure in disbelief. Shauna always walked with Jackie to class. It’s been a ritual since elementary. Even when they didn’t have classes together, Shauna would walk Jackie to her class before going to hers.
But Shauna was just so tired of Jackie’s bullshit.
She passed by more people whispering about the rumour, and the party. Maybe everyone were just robots in this school and Shauna was the only one who was normal and human and actually took Lottie’s feelings into consideration.
As she arrived at Chem, Lottie was leaning against the wall beside the door, staring at the floor. She looked sad. Shauna felt bad. And any other day, she wouldn’t ever do this but today, she walks up to her and stands beside her. It took a couple of seconds before Lottie noticed her, but when she did, her head whips towards her, dark brown eyes staring into Shauna’s.
“Hey,” Shauna says softly, giving her a small smile.
Lottie blinks at her, and then she returns the smile, albeit a little more sheepish and unsure. “Hey, Shauna…”
“You ready for Chem?” Shauna asks. She almost smacks her head against the wall because what kind of question was that?
“You better not be here to ask about who I have a crush on, Shipman,” Lottie rasps out, crossing her arms.
Suddenly, Shauna was a little too aware of their height difference now. Lottie was towering over her. She noted in her head not to ask Lottie who she had a crush on.
“No,” Shauna says honestly. “Thought you needed a friend.”
Then Lottie’s expression softens, and her shoulders relax. She sighs heavily.
Many people passed by them, giving them weird looks, and some were whispering too. Is this what Lottie had to go through today? All because of Misty Quigley and her big mouth?
“Thanks, Shauna. That’s… really nice of you,” Lottie says, smiling at her.
Shauna gets why people were so enamoured by her. Despite the other description of her as the tall and mysterious rich girl, she was also 5’9 full of love and a great smile. Maybe Shauna wanted to figure her out too, but it was definitely not in the very invasive way other people do.
She wanted to be friends with Lottie, go to her house for any other reason than for her parties, have sleepovers maybe and practice soccer together one-on-one.
Shauna knew she had Jackie to do all of that with, but where’s the fun in it when all Jackie does is gossip and try to get her to date Randy fucking Walsh? Seriously? Did she think that’s all Shauna could have? The only person in the world that would even like Shauna?
You’re gorgeous, Jackie would say. Then she would defend herself by pampering Shauna with many compliments. Shauna doesn’t buy it.
“Yeah, of course,” Shauna says. “If you ever need anyone to talk to—as cliché as this may sound—I’m here for you.”
Lottie stares at her for a moment, and then a smile tugs on her lips again. “Thank you,” she says, warmth flooding in her voice. Her hand comes up to squeeze Shauna’s arm gently.
Shauna would be lying if she said her arm didn’t buzz at the contact. Maybe it was just because Lottie was popular or something. Maybe she was just star-struck in a way to have all of Lottie’s attention on her.
So many people have passed by and whispered things, but Lottie’s smiling because of Shauna. She’s gotta take a little credit for where credit’s due.
And maybe it’s because Lottie just needed a friend. But it was a little too hard to ignore the way Lottie stared at her for a little too long and how her smile became brighter around her.
They didn’t really interact much either, but despite this, Shauna noticed Lottie’s lingering gazes… but no, right? It couldn’t be her. Why would Lottie Matthews have a crush on Shauna Shipman? That’s just ridiculous… isn’t it?
Lottie’s warm hand lingered on Shauna’s arm. Despite Shauna wearing a long-sleeved sweater, it was a thin one, and she could feel the warmth radiating from Lottie’s hand. Shauna tries not to look down at her hand.
“You’re a wonderful person,” Lottie says before she walks into their classroom.
Right… they had class. Shauna momentarily forgot about that.
Shauna wanted to be a wonderful person. She really did. Shauna wanted to not think about the possibility of Lottie’s crush being her because that would mean she was feeding into the rumour, and even putting herself in it, almost wishing it was her. It was ridiculous. She was there merely to comfort the girl, not to relish under her gaze and her beaming smile.
As Shauna settles herself down in class, Jackie walks in five minutes later and doesn’t say a word to Shauna. Shauna sneaks in multiple glances at her best friend during class, in between multiple glances at Lottie across the room.
Jackie didn’t spare a single glance at her the entire time, but Lottie made eye contact with Shauna several times.
What was going on here?
“I thought you didn’t want to go to the party?” Jackie asks quietly as she sprawls herself on Shauna’s bed.
She was wearing a purple and white sundress under her denim jacket. Despite caring a lot about her appearance, she never cared if her outfit got crinkled while she lays down on Shauna’s bed. It was like a ritual. Jackie just loved to leave her scent all over Shauna’s bed.
Shauna didn’t know why.
“I didn’t,” she replies, making eye contact with her through her vanity mirror.
Jackie loved watching Shauna get ready, though Shauna was pretty sure it was just so that she could police what she wore and how to do her makeup. Shauna gripped her makeup brush as she applied blush on her pale cheeks, hoping Jackie wouldn’t get up to take over her makeup.
“Then why the sudden change, Shauna?” Jackie presses on.
“I don’t know. I spoke to Lottie,” Shauna shrugs, voice lacing with impatience, ignoring Jackie’s gaze in the mirror now.
“You did?”
“Yeah, before Chem.”
“And she asked you to come or something?”
Shauna sighs as she places her blush down. She looks through her drawer for her mascara. “No, she didn’t, Jax.”
“So, what happened that made you want to come? Because last time I checked you left me at my locker because I was asking about it,” Jackie’s voice sounded bitter now, but if Shauna looked closer it was more hurt than bitter.
She felt guilt pooling in her chest. “I just feel bad for her, Jackie. She needs a friend.”
Jackie was always good at making her feel guilty but Shauna wasn’t entirely sure if it was just because Jackie was good at manipulating or if it was because Shauna was in the wrong.
“Okay,” Jackie mutters, finally letting it go. “But you definitely should wear the boob dress.”
Here we go.
Lottie’s party… well, it was typical.
It was hard for Shauna to remember why she came. Despite the nice interior and exterior of Lottie’s house, it was hard to enjoy it with the hundreds of people scuffling about and screaming. They were all sweaty, too.
It was just not Shauna’s vibe.
She feels Jackie detach her arm from Shauna’s as she spots Jeff. Of course.
“Jeff!” she yells and then she was gone.
Typical.
Jackie always begs Shauna to go to parties with her and gets all pouty when Shauna doesn’t want to when this is what always happens. Jackie always leaves her when they are at a party together.
Usually, this would be the time when Shauna would go find a little corner and rot there, but not this time. She wanted to find Lottie. She wanted to see if she was okay. But she must be okay if she even proceeded with the party right?
But then why would you invite everyone who made you miserable at school to your party? Well, except Misty Quigley. She never comes to any of the parties, probably mostly because she’s never invited to them and she sure as hell wasn’t going to get invited to this one after spreading that rumour about Lottie.
“Hey, do you know where Lottie is?” Shauna yells over the music, trying to get her voice across to Tai and Van.
“Uh, no, sorry!” Van yells back. Tai just looks at Shauna, expressionless. It was kind of eerie, but she was drunk. She was never a happy drunk.
Shauna brushes past them to Lottie’s kitchen. There were only a few people in the kitchen. The music was a little softer, the noise a little less noisy. A guy was sitting in the corner smoking pot and puffing it out the window. There was another girl here and, of course, it had to be Natalie Scatorccio. She was smoking a cigarette and looking out the window on the other side of the room.
“Hey, Nat,” Shauna says almost sheepishly as she approached the other girl cautiously.
Nat looks up, blue eyes swimming with probably no thoughts. “Shauna.”
It was quiet for a moment. Shauna looks down at her fingers as she slightly fidgets. She can feel Nat’s gaze on her, and it was heavy.
“What do you want?” Nat finally asks and Shauna can tell she’s trying not to sound mean, which was a bit sweet.
“Just looking for Lottie,” Shauna responds.
Nat takes a drag from her cigarette, not breaking eye contact with Shauna. “Why?” she asks, the smoke coming out of her mouth as she speaks.
Shauna tries not to look disgusted as it went in her direction. “Um… normal stuff?”
“Do you know?” Nat suddenly says, her eyes narrowing down at her. Shauna furrows her eyebrows.
“Know… what?” Shauna drawls.
Nat’s eyes flicker to the side before going back to her. She shakes her head, her blonde bangs shaking with it. “Nevermind, Shipman. She’s upstairs in her room. Good luck trying to find it.”
Shauna can tell this was Nat trying to dismiss her but Shauna gathered that Lottie was probably somewhere in the party. She wasn’t going to go hunt her down in her room, that felt a bit too invasive. And frankly, it made Shauna nervous to think about going into such an intimate part of Lottie’s life, her room. She lives, sleeps and chills in there.
Shauna knew not a lot of people have gone there before. She looks at Nat. Nat has probably gone in there before.
“Have you gone into her room before?”
“No,” Nat scoffs. “She doesn’t let anyone go in her room, but if I had to guess what it looks like, she probably has pink sheets, a pink rug and pink long curtains for her big ass windows.”
“Pink, huh?” Shauna blurts out.
Pink.
Well, it made sense. Lottie liked to wear a lot of pink. Pink cashmere sweaters, pink scarves, pink skirts, pink everything. It suited her, Shauna decides. And she also thinks Nat is probably right.
“Yeah, she loves the fuck out of that colour,” Nat mutters.
Shauna thinks Nat is high.
“Speaking of the devil,” Nat suddenly says as her head turns to look at someone behind Shauna.
Shauna turns around. And there she was. Lottie, in all of her pink glory. She was wearing a white crop top under a pink leather jacket, paired with a pink skirt. She looked very preppy but, well, she’s rich and popular so it made sense.
“Hey, Shauna,” Lottie says, smiling at her.
Nat scoffs behind her. “What? No greeting for little old me?”
Lottie rolls her eyes. “Nat.”
It didn’t take long for Lottie to divert her eyes back to Shauna. Lottie’s cheeks were a little flushed, lips a little more pink. She was drunk. She seemed more composed than most people were with alcohol though.
Then, Lottie puts her hand out in front of Shauna. “Come, let me get you a drink.”
With a shaky hand, Shauna puts her hand in hers. Her hand was warm, hot even. She wasn’t sure why Lottie needed to hold her hand as they waved through the crowds to get to the drinks in the living room.
It really didn’t help that the people who were more sober than the rest would stare at them. Well, it wasn’t surprising that they would. The same day rumours come out about Lottie’s mysterious crush, she’s holding hands with someone at a party.
Wait. Why were they holding hands again? And when did this house get hotter?
Lottie lets go of her hand to gesture toward the drinks table. It sure was an assortment “The world is your oyster, Shauna.”
Shauna feels heat rise to her cheeks despite herself, not really used to all of this attention, especially from Lottie. How often does one go to a party and the host personally brings you to the drinks and pours one out for you?
Lottie hands her a cup. “Madame.”
Shauna’s cheeks were even hotter now. “Thanks,” she says sheepishly.
Lottie smiles at her and Shauna notices that it looks a little bit lopsided. One side was higher than the other like it was a lazy smile. It was interesting because it’s not like Lottie smiled much at school, really. Only during soccer-related stuff where she was actually happy. And Shauna’s sure the rumour has made it harder for her to smile.
Sure, Lottie’s rumour wasn’t that bad. People could be spreading way worse things about a person. It wasn’t that bad. But it did feel icky to Shauna because people were just nitpicking things about Lottie, so they could talk about her and so they could dissect her and know her without Lottie’s consent essentially.
What happened to just becoming friends with her to know her? That’s exactly what Shauna was doing. It wasn’t that hard. Lottie was sweet, you know?
“They’re right, you know,” Lottie suddenly says.
Shauna, honest to God, looks up at her. Lottie was staring into the distance, outside of the window behind the drinks table. Shauna continues to stare at her. Her eyes wandered about Lottie’s side profile. She was beautiful. There was no doubt about that.
“About what?” Shauna asks, but it came out just above a whisper, a little shaky.
“That I have a crush on someone,” Lottie says, and then she looks at Shauna, her eyes a little intense. “I do have a crush on someone.”
“Oh,” Shauna stammered, trying to remain as composed as she could. “You do?”
“Yeah,” Lottie says casually. “It’s none of their business, though.”
Shauna couldn’t help but notice the fact that Lottie said their which made Shauna excluded from that group. Does it mean it was Shauna’s business, too? Did Shauna really do a good job with befriending Lottie and now she was entrusting Shauna with the sacred information of who her crush was?
Not that Shauna cared, really…
“You wouldn’t tell me who, would you?” Shauna says before she could stop herself. Stupid.
Lottie stares at her like she was considering it. She raises an eyebrow and opens her mouth but then she closes it again before saying: “No.”
“Okay,” Shauna says. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry,” Lottie says softly, her eyes drifting down suddenly. Was she looking at Shauna’s necklace? “I like your dress.”
Oh, right. The boob dress. Wait, was Lottie looking at her—
“Um, thanks.”
“It suits you,” Lottie says before her eyes find Shauna’s again. Her cheeks were redder now and her eyes darker. It made something pool at the bottom of Shauna’s stomach.
“Thanks,” Shauna says again dumbly.
“You’re beautiful, you know?” Lottie husks out. Was it just Shauna or was Lottie moving closer to her? “I don’t know why nobody else can see that.”
Shauna’s lips part as she stares at Lottie. The moonlight coming from the window cascaded on her features nicely. She looked like a dream. Shauna wanted to pinch herself to check if this was real.
“Uh—”
“Shauna, there you are!”
Jackie.
Shauna and Lottie pull apart. Lottie looks away while Shauna looks at Jackie, eyebrows shooting up, still flustered from what just happened. What did happen? Was it real, or did Shauna hallucinate it?
“Shauna…” Jackie drawls, pulling on Shauna’s arm as she drags her close.
Shauna looks over her shoulder at Lottie to see her staring at them. She gives her an apologetic smile as Jackie drags her off into another room.
“I missed you,” Jackie slurs out. She was rubbing on Shauna’s arm now, looping it around her arm.
Usually, Shauna would be thrilled to have Jackie back. Thrilled to have Jeff’s sloppy seconds back (though, of course, it wasn’t the same, and Shauna wasn’t kissing Jackie).
But all she could think about was Lottie fucking Matthews.
“We’re very lucky Lottie gave us a private room for you to puke in,” Shauna says.
Jackie doesn’t respond, instead, all Shauna hears is Jackie throwing up into the toilet.
It was about an hour after Jackie dragged her away from Lottie. Jackie got sicker and sicker as time went by. She always made fun of Shauna for not “holding her liquor”, but Jackie always overdid alcohol. Sure, she could hold her liquor, but she always made sure she went over her limitations. Most parties ended with Shauna holding Jackie’s hair back as she puked.
This time, however, Jackie wanted her out.
“How’s she doing?”
Shauna jumps as she looks at Lottie in the doorway. Jackie starts puking again and you can hear it. Lottie smiles tightly.
“Not well, I see,” Lottie says as she walks over to the bed and sits down.
Shauna eyes her. Why was she here?
“She’ll be fine,” she says instead of asking why Lottie was here.
This was Lottie’s party. She should be downstairs and having fun. Not here with Shauna as Jackie puked a wall from them.
“Do you want a ride?” Lottie asks, raising an eyebrow. She looks genuinely concerned, and it warms Shauna’s heart.
“Aren’t you drunk?”
“Well, I wouldn’t be driving,” Lottie chuckles. “I made one of my drivers stay overnight in case some people needed a ride.”
“You’d let the idiots downstairs be driven home in your expensive car?” Shauna asks in disbelief.
Then Lottie chuckles again, shaking her head.
“You’re funny, Shipman,” she says and then looks at her like she was trying to figure her out. “Obviously not just anyone. You’re not just anyone.”
Oh.
And that’s how Shauna ended up in Lottie’s expensive car. It smelled so new, but she knew it wasn’t because she’s seen Lottie get dropped off by this car every morning and picked up after every soccer practice.
Shauna buckles Jackie in before turning to look at Lottie, who was standing right beside her.
“Don’t forget to buckle your seatbelt,” Lottie says, a playful smile tugging on her lips.
“Mmm,” Shauna hums, biting back a grin. “Yeah, I’ll try to remember.”
“Do you want me to do it for you?” Lottie asks.
And for a second, Shauna believed she was joking, but then Lottie was inching forward and Shauna stopped her immediately. She doesn’t think she can handle Lottie being too close to her, too close to smell her fruity shampoo and see all the small details of her face. And she’d be able to see and smell all of those things if Lottie leans over into the car to buckle her in.
“No, I’m fine,” Shauna says quickly, voice coming out strained.
Lottie tucks a strand of her long dark hair behind her ear as she smiles at her, leaning back. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says to Shauna, just to Shauna. Then, “Feel better, Jackie.”
Jackie grumbles incoherently in response to Lottie as Shauna got in the car. She buckled her seatbelt, trying not to imagine what it would be like if Lottie buckled it for her.
Then, she looks out the window and waves at Lottie, who mirrors her.
“Get home safe,” Lottie bids her goodbye before she turns on her heel and walks back to her enormous house. Even drunk, she was still graceful, Shauna thought.
Shauna stares at her as the car pulls out of the driveway. She stared at her until there was no more pink and the only colour you could see was Lottie’s grey house.
As Shauna sighed and leaned back into the cold chair, she felt her heart slow as she thought about Lottie. Her melting brown eyes, her long dark hair, her sweet perfume, her sweet smile…
Shauna was definitely fucked.
Chapter 2: smoke
Summary:
Shauna becomes closer to Lottie Matthews slowly but surely.
Notes:
thank you, everyone, for your kind comments! i really really appreciate it and it keeps me going!! <3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Shauna doesn’t see Lottie the next day.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
So much for that.
But then again, Shauna understood. She understood that school was too overwhelming for Lottie. She understood that Lottie tried so hard not to give the school anything to talk about because she didn’t like the spotlight, she didn’t like feeling like a leader, per se. Shauna could tell that Lottie would never willingly put herself near the top of their school’s social hierarchy. But she was.
There was nothing Lottie could do about that. It wasn’t her fault people were so intrigued by her. Sometimes Shauna thinks that Lottie would be completely fine switching places with Misty Quigley in terms of the school’s hierarchy.
She would rather not be perceived, rather not be talked about.
Unfortunately for Lottie, Shauna has taken quite an interest in her. Despite her hatred for rumours, she found herself deep in this specific rumour, unsure of why.
“I don’t know why everyone keeps talking about Lottie,” Nat grumbles as she almost slams her lunch tray down on the table.
Everyone’s heads whip up towards Nat. Jackie hums and agrees first, which was pretty ironic. Nat just gives her a look. At first glance the look was indescribable but Shauna could tell she was glaring at her in her own way.
“Yeah,” Shauna hums after Jackie.
“It’s fucking stupid. People have nothing better to do,” Van pipes in, half shrugging.
Shauna catches Tai smiling at her before she puts her two cents in. “For sure.”
“I mean, do you guys even know where Lottie is right now?” Jackie asks, looking around the table, eyes wide and curious.
Her voice was laced with concern if you closed your eyes but Shauna knew she was just fishing for gossip. It’s what she always did. It wasn’t like Jackie was one to spread what she got though, but she does like to know things. Shauna gives her a little credit for keeping the things she learns to herself.
Shauna can’t say the same for Misty.
“I don’t know,” Nat says. “It isn’t like her to miss school, but maybe she needs time to recuperate.”
“Right…” Jackie drawls out.
Shauna looks at her. Jackie had this look of confusion on her face like she always did when she wasn’t trying to look confused. Her eyebrows were scrunched together, her lips pursed and her eyes squinted.
“You don’t know what recuperate means, do you?” Tai speaks up. And thank God for that because Shauna wanted to say that so badly but she knew Jackie wouldn’t let her hear the end of it.
“I do,” Jackie says in that voice that meant she was lying. Shauna could always tell but she didn’t want to say anything about it. She hated fighting with Jackie. It gets them absolutely nowhere.
“Well, at least you guys know that all of this is stupid and you aren’t joining the rest of the school in their journey of figuring it out or whatever,” Shauna mutters, her utensils clattering against the side of her glass container as she begrudgingly finds her meatball.
“Well said, Shauna,” Nat says with a little laugh.
“But aren’t you guys just a little curious, though?” Tai says and looks around slowly, knowing she was stepping into the territory they didn’t want to talk about.
As much as the girls didn’t like to admit it, they were all curious, even Shauna, especially Shauna. But Lottie was their friend. Well, she was more like their teammate since Lottie liked to keep to herself. She never shared anything too much about herself and just kept everything professional, so to speak.
The only person she’d share a little bit more with was Nat. They were the closest to each other in the team.
Nobody speaks for a few seconds, everyone else was just either picking at their skin, looking down or looking around curiously.
“I am.”
Of course, it had been Jackie who spoke first. She definitely wasn’t the person that Tai wanted a response from because, well, everyone knew Jackie loved gossip. It wasn’t a surprise at all that Jackie was curious.
“Yeah,” Nat drawls out raspily. “Unfortunately I have the burden of being the only person who knows, so.”
Shauna’s head whips towards Nat, as does everyone else’s.
Shauna hated how curious she was. She hated how she stayed up last night thinking about who Lottie could possibly like. She felt like everyone else. And it sucked because she spends a lot of time judging everyone even though she does the same thing. But to Shauna, it felt different. It felt like she wasn’t doing the same thing everyone else was doing. There was a difference; she just couldn’t figure out what.
She hated how her journal, ever since yesterday, has been all about Lottie. Lottie, Lottie, Lottie. Who did she like? What does she like? What was it like being friends with her?
Well, Shauna did have a taste of what it was like being friends with her the night before. Lottie made her feel valued and understood, but Shauna wanted to know more about her. Selfishly, she wanted to be the one who knew Lottie more than everyone else.
It was weird because the only other time she felt like this was with Jackie. But over the years, Jackie has felt faker and faker, like high school was draining the humanity in Jackie that Shauna used to love and adore.
And now there was Lottie, who wanted nothing more than to get away from the very things Jackie wanted. Lottie, over the years, gained more humanity than Shauna’s ever seen. And this was despite Shauna barely knowing Lottie.
She thinks Lottie was the most real person in this stupid school.
“You know?” Shauna gapes at her.
Nat shrugs.
“Yeah, I do, Shipman,” Nat pauses for dramatics. “Something tells me that none of you want to know who it is.”
“What are you talking about?” Jackie asks, her eyebrows furrowing as she shook her head in disbelief.
“Yeah, we’re all fucking curious about it,” Van retorts, hands waving around dramatically.
Nat shakes her head, smiling. “Yeah… but it would be, like, catastrophic, I think.”
“Like it’ll shift the plates of the world?” Jackie asks, voice lacing with sarcasm. “C’mon. It’s high school drama.”
“Yeah, it would actually, Jackie,” Nat grits Jackie’s name out, shaking her head at her. “Anyways, I think it should be kept a secret. So, I’m not telling any of you.”
“Why would we spill? Lottie’s our friend,” Tai interjects, crossing her arms as if to challenge Nat.
“It should come from her if anything. If she wants to tell you guys,” Nat argues, eyebrows scrunching together. “If you guys are her friends, then you’d understand. And you’d understand why I can’t tell you.”
Shauna sits there in silence, taking everything in. It was hard to partake in this conversation. She didn’t want everyone to know just how invested she was in the situation. Especially Jackie. They fought about it yesterday so if Jackie found out she was actually interested too then Shauna wouldn’t hear the end of it. She didn’t want to deal with it.
However, Shauna was a bit worried about how invested the rest of the group was. She was subtle with hers, respectful. But everyone else was trying to get Nat to tell them. It was chaos. Since when did the rest of the Yellowjackets care about that stuff?
On the field, the school’s hierarchy didn’t exist. Everyone treated each other the same way. They were a team. Jackie Taylor was just Jackie Taylor on the field, same with Lottie. So it was weird that they were putting Lottie on this weird pedestal and position where they treated her the way the rest of the school did, rather than treating her like their teammate.
How could such a small rumour create such a huge rift in Wiskayok High School?
Lottie doesn’t come to school the next day.
Or the next Monday.
And the rest of that week.
It was weird, it wasn’t like Lottie.
“Hey, Nat,” Shauna greets as she cautiously walks up to the other girl’s locker.
Nat looks over her shoulder and meets Shauna’s eyes before she scoffs and continues to unlock her locker. “Let me guess… you wanna ask about Lottie?”
“Yeah, I’m worried about her,” Shauna says truthfully. She didn’t want to make anything up or pressure Nat to tell her. She just wanted to be honest.
Nat stares at her for a moment in contemplation. Shauna watches as Nat drums her fingers on the locker door that she was in the middle of opening. Then, Nat turns completely around to face Shauna and leans her back against the locker, crossing her arms.
“She didn’t tell me,” Nat says, shrugging. “Honest to God.”
Nat didn’t believe in God so there was no credibility there but Shauna also knew that Nat wasn’t one to lie. Plus, maybe if she did lie, it might’ve been for a good reason like maybe Lottie told her not to tell anyone or maybe it was something really personal.
“You’re her best friend,” Shauna says, not meaning to press on.
“Yeah, I am,” Nat nods her head, her blonde hair bouncing with her. It was surprising that Nat didn’t snap at her but maybe she could tell that Shauna didn’t have any ulterior motives. “But she doesn’t tell me anything really. She’s as much of a mystery to me as she is to you, Shauna. I mean, that’s what I like about her. No drama.”
Shauna hums. “Yeah, that makes sense.”
She wasn’t entirely surprised by the outcome of that conversation. It wasn’t a surprise that that was Nat and Lottie’s friendship dynamic either, considering what Lottie was like.
But then it made Shauna feel sorry for Lottie.
Did nobody in the world really know who Lottie Matthews was? Everyone created this idea of her inside their head, but who knows which one of those ideas came remotely close—if it even came close—to who Lottie truly was.
Shauna knew about Lottie’s family situation. She would hear about it from her parents. Lottie’s dad was mostly away working and her mom was too.
So, Lottie had nobody really.
But then again, Shauna wasn’t entirely sure if it was true. Her mother liked to gossip and usually, she would have credible sources—from God knows where—but Shauna didn’t want to assume this was true. Mostly because it would have been very sad if it was true.
During the classes Shauna shared with Lottie, she would find herself staring at Lottie’s empty seat.
The following week came.
Lottie was back.
Shauna first heard it from Misty when she passed by her in the morning. Shauna wasn’t really sure if it was true. Misty wasn’t a reputable source—she really wasn’t.
Shauna sat in her second period class, nervously drumming her fingers on her desk. She still hasn’t seen Lottie but she had English right now and she had it with Lottie. Lottie sits near the front right, while Shauna sits in the middle of the middle row, the perfect seat for notes.
Everyone scurries in for class. Shauna waits for Lottie to appear through the doors, but then it was a minute before class and Shauna gave up. She looks down at her notebook instead and prepares a page to take her notes in. She writes the date, and the title of the topic from the blackboard, then—
“Hey, Shauna.”
Lottie.
She was standing right in front of Shauna’s desk. The smell of her perfume invaded Shauna’s senses and she found it hard to look up and meet the tall brunette’s eyes.
“Lottie. Hi,” Shauna managed to muster.
Lottie’s eyes flicker to the empty seat beside her. “Is that seat taken?”
“No,” Shauna says dumbly.
Lottie beams and then she sits on the empty seat. Shauna could do nothing but gape at her as she rummaged through her backpack.
It was appalling the way Lottie just strolled into the classroom and talked to Shauna so casually as if she wasn’t gone for a week and a half with no explanation whatsoever.
“Don’t you sit at the front?” Shauna murmurs, finding herself unable to ask about her absence. Maybe another time.
Lottie shrugs. “I wanna sit here.”
“Is it because the best notes are taken when you sit in the middle?”
“What? Is that true?” Lottie asks, resting her palm on her cheek as she turns slightly to look at Shauna.
Why was she so effortlessly beautiful? It was hard for Shauna to pay attention, but she tries, she really does. But her eyes kept roaming Lottie’s face, just trying to commit everything to memory.
Lottie had her hair done up in a Dutch braid. She was wearing a white top, a jean skirt and a pair of high-top black Converse with ankle socks.
Shauna almost kicked herself thinking about how she shouldn’t have just thrown on a flannel and called it a day.
“Yes? I think so,” Shauna answers, nodding her head as casually as she could.
“Well, I didn’t sit here for the good notes for sure,” Lottie says, a smile tugging on her lips.
Before Shauna could ask her why, their teacher walks in and starts the class.
Great timing, Mrs. Johnson.
The next few days and the next few weeks were about the same.
Shauna would go to school, go to soccer practice, hold her breath in the locker room, hole up in Jackie’s room, and then… she’d have little moments with Lottie.
Shauna was drawn to her. It was as simple as that.
The whispers about the rumour didn’t die down either. In fact, it got even worse as the weeks went by. People became more agitated, seemingly unable to figure out who Lottie had a crush on.
At this point, Shauna didn’t even care too much about that anymore. She just wanted to befriend Lottie.
And maybe Shauna feeling this way wasn’t new. The last time she felt something as overwhelming as this was when she was a kid and she wanted to be friends with Jackie.
However, there was something strikingly different about this situation but Shauna couldn’t figure out what it was. And maybe some part of her didn’t want to figure it out in fear of what she might find.
“Earth to Shipman,” Jackie singongs.
Shauna looks up from her journal and eyes Jackie from her vanity. “What?”
“What are you writing about?” Jackie asks. She was pretending not to care and Shauna could tell. Shauna could tell a lot of things about Jackie.
“Just… um, school.” It wasn’t a lie but it also wasn’t entirely the truth.
“Okay, be mysterious then,” Jackie mutters as she gets up and plops down beside Shauna on the bed.
Shauna closes her journal and sets it aside as Jackie intertwines their legs together.
“Do you ever think of adding a third?” Jackie asks out of the blue. Suddenly Jackie’s legs felt too heavy on Shauna’s.
“What are you talking about, Jackie?”
“Like, add a third person into our best friendship.”
Shauna rolls her eyes, smiling at the absurdity of what she was suggesting. “A third in our friendship?”
“Yeah,” Jackie grins, nodding her head.
“You know those things never work right?” Shauna scoffs. “One person always feels left out.”
“I was thinking…” Jackie continues, completely ignoring what Shauna just said. “How about Lottie?”
“Lottie?” Now Shauna was even more confused.
Jackie wanted to add Lottie into this? So, on a normal Saturday, Jackie wants to intertwine legs with not only Shauna but also Lottie? Lottie would also be intertwining legs with Shauna, and Shauna couldn’t even imagine how that would feel if they both were wearing shorts—
“Why Lottie?”
“Why not? She’s popular, Shauna,” Jackie shrugs, a smile still plastered across her perfect features.
“So, it’s just about popularity to you? It’s not even you wanting to just be friends with Lottie?”
Shauna couldn’t help herself from defending Lottie. She certainly couldn’t help the heat rising to her cheeks as her chest bubbled up with anger. Was the Jackie Shauna once known, gone? Gone, just like that? No warning?
“Shauna, come on,” Jackie furrows her eyebrows as she playfully bumps her shoulder against Shauna’s. Shauna doesn’t budge. “I’m just kidding. Of course, I want to be friends with Lottie. Who wouldn’t want to be?”
Shauna sighs. Sometimes she knew Jackie in and out, and other times, like these, she couldn’t figure her out. Was Jackie serious about this? It was hard to make Jackie Taylor back out of stuff she was serious about.
“You act like…” Jackie continues. Shauna listens. “You act like I haven’t seen you all buddy-buddy with her. You don’t tell me about it but I see it. I notice it.”
Shauna turns to look at her. “Are you jealous or something?”
“Really, Shauna? Yeah because a normal response to jealousy is inviting them in for a fucking threesome,” Jackie rolls her eyes.
Shauna could feel the heat rise to her cheeks at the implications of what Jackie said. Was it bad that Shauna wasn’t entirely against the idea? The idea of being a trio with Lottie and definitely not the… other idea.
“I don’t think she’d ever agree with it,” Shauna murmured, looking down at her hands as she picked at her skin. “She doesn’t like being popular.”
“Did she tell you that?” Jackie scoffs.
“No, but it isn’t hard to tell.”
“Hm,” Jackie hums contemplatively. “You’re so observant. I like that about you.”
Shauna smiles genuinely for the first time in a while with Jackie. “Thanks.”
The next day, Jackie spends almost all day trying to get a hold of Lottie. But Lottie was notoriously hard to find. She always has been. It’s like in between classes, she just disappears out of existence. Nobody knew where she went. Though, if Shauna had to guess, she was probably behind the bleachers with Nat smoking cigarettes. But she wasn’t going to tell Jackie that.
“Where the fuck is she?” Jackie huffs, shoulders slumping as she leaned her back against her locker.
Shauna feigns frustration and sighs. “I don’t know, Jackie. Maybe it’s a sign that since we can’t find her like it wasn’t meant to be…”
Jackie doesn’t say anything. She just stares at the ground with the saddest expression on her face like a sad puppy. Shauna almost felt bad, almost felt like telling her where she thought Lottie would probably be.
“Whatever,” Jackie relents. “I’ll just find her tomorrow or something. I’m gonna go find Jeff.”
Shauna tries to hide the disappointment on her face. As much as she hated trying to find Lottie, in case they did and Jackie would propose that horrible idea, she also hated when Jackie ditched her for Jeff. Was Shauna’s comfort, not enough for Jackie to stay? Did she really need Jeff to comfort her about this?
Whatever.
Shauna found herself walking towards the field, towards the bleachers to test if her theory was true: if Lottie Matthews truly spent time in between classes behind the bleachers smoking.
It turns out, Shauna was right, unsurprisingly. But she wasn’t right about Nat being there. She had anticipated Nat to be there and instead, she’s here with Lottie now, alone. It made her skin prickly. She was nervous.
Lottie takes a drag from her cigarette, looking at something in the distance. She didn’t notice Shauna. Shauna wondered what she was thinking about. She’s never looked this peaceful ever. Maybe it was because it was her little escape to be here… and now Shauna felt bad for potentially disturbing her peace by coming here.
Then Lottie’s head turns and her eyes find her. Her expression remains unchanged for a few seconds before she gestured on the other side of her with her head, inviting Shauna to sit beside her.
Shauna walks over quietly and sits beside Lottie. The grass prickled against her legs. The air was fresh, intertwined with the smell of smoke.
“What brings you here, Shipman?” Lottie murmurs quietly.
Shauna looks at her. She was still looking at the trees in the distance.
“Wanted to get away from school,” Shauna responds.
“Huh,” Lottie chuckles, smoke coming out of her mouth as she does so. “Me too. Guess we’re more alike than I thought.”
Lottie finally turns to look at her. Her cheeks were flushed, eyes a little moist, like she had been crying. Had Lottie been crying here by herself? Shauna also couldn’t stop herself from thinking about how pretty she still looked.
Even after crying, hair and makeup a little dishevelled, she still looked gorgeous. How was that even possible?
“I never doubted that,” Shauna says, smiling at her.
Lottie returns the smile, her eyes crinkling. It looks like that was her first smile of the day. “I’m sure.”
It was quiet for a few moments. Shauna enjoyed Lottie’s company despite them not talking. It was comfortable, just breathing with Lottie, being with Lottie.
“If you see Jackie, run away,” Shauna says amidst the silence.
Lottie bursts out laughing. “What?”
“Yeah, she wants to add you to our friendship,” Shauna says, unable to bite back the smile from seeing Lottie laughing. She was beautiful and Shauna was mesmerized.
The soft breeze brushes against Lottie’s hair, and Shauna’s eyes follow the movement.
“What does that even mean?”
“Like me, you and Jackie. Best friends, or whatever. She even called it a threesome.”
Lottie’s eyes widened along with her amused smile. “Oh, my God. She’s out of her mind.”
“I know,” Shauna murmurs.
A beat.
“Do you want?” Lottie asks, extending her cigarette toward Shauna.
Shauna’s never smoked before, never really wanted to before. But she stared at the cigarette, stared at the lipstick stain on it, and for some reason that got her wanting to say yes.
“Sure,” Shauna says, and before she knew it, Lottie was lifting it towards her lips.
Shauna held her breath as Lottie’s finger lightly brushed against her lips. Why was this so intimate? It felt even more intimate because Lottie was staring right at her lips as she placed the cigarette gently between them. And maybe… Shauna was staring at her lips too.
“Just inhale,” Lottie murmurs. Her face wasn’t that close to Shauna’s but Shauna could feel her hot breath on her face.
The smoke burned as it went into her lungs. Then she exhaled and coughed. “Ugh. That’s disgusting.”
Lottie smiles at her as she brings the cigarette back to her lips. She takes a long drag and leans back to look at Shauna closely. “You don’t like it?”
“No,” Shauna says in between a few more coughs.
“That’s too bad,” Lottie says huskily. “It looks hot on you.”
Shauna would be lying if she said she didn’t buy a pack before she went home.
Notes:
i hope you enjoyed this chapter. im not sure how long I want this story to be. maybe I will add more than one more chapter maybe I won't. LOL, we will see!
hope to update soon!
and once again, comments and kudos are very appreciated!
Chapter 3: play
Summary:
Lottie and Shauna work on a play together for a school project.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The rumour fizzled ever so slightly as if a good group of people had convinced themselves that it was nothing more than a hoax. Only the Yellowjackets knew that Lottie did, in fact, have a crush on someone. Lottie was subtle with her crush. Nobody could figure it out.
Shauna doesn’t even know who Lottie hangs out with outside of school and who she hangs out with outside of Nat and Shauna. Sometimes it felt like Lottie only hung out with Nat and Shauna… but then who does she have a crush on then, right? Maybe someone Lottie doesn’t know? Maybe someone she just finds attractive?
Shauna snaps herself out of her reverie as her teacher slams a meter stick on the table, signifying that class has started. The chatter quieted down.
“Now I want you to pair up for a project,” Mrs. Johnson announces, clamping her palms together as a series of groans emerge from the class. She rolls her eyes before continuing. “You will be creating a play together. You can create as many characters as you want, and play as many as you want, but it will be just you two playing those characters you create. I want it to be a maximum of five minutes. Be creative.”
When Mrs. Johnson finished, everyone started talking to each other, the noise growing louder.
Oh, God.
Shauna didn’t have any friends in this class except for Lottie. But would Lottie even pick her? What if Lottie had other friends in this class? Well, she did pick to sit beside Shauna so maybe—
“Hey, Shauna,” Lottie’s voice snaps Shauna out of her trance. “Do you, um, want to pair up?”
Lottie looked uncharacteristically sheepish like she was nervous or something. Lottie Matthews, queen of sarcasm, nervous? It was weird to see but strangely endearing.
Shauna nods her head, trying to not look too excited. “Sure,” she says too quickly.
So much for trying not to look pathetic.
“Are you free after school?” Lottie asks softly. She was running her index finger over the carved vandalism on top of her desk. Shauna tries not to follow the movement but it was undeniably distracting from her peripheral vision.
“Yeah, I am,” Shauna murmurs. “Your house… or mine?”
Lottie chuckles. “Judging from the way you said ‘mine’, I’m guessing you want to go to my house?”
Shauna sighs. “I mean if we can? My mom’s just being—”
“Don’t worry,” Lottie interjects reassuringly, shaking her head with a smile on her face. “We can go to my place. It’s usually just me anyway.”
Shauna wonders if Lottie would take her to her room—for the project and no other reason at all.
Maybe Shauna just wanted a tour from Lottie so she had more of an excuse to stare at her. What? Lottie was beautiful. It was undeniable. Shauna wasn’t blind. She definitely wasn’t growing a little crush on her…
Okay, maybe she was.
Shauna can be oblivious but she wasn’t that oblivious. She writes all of her thoughts and feelings in her journals, it didn’t take long for her to piece it together.
Besides, she doesn’t look at anyone else the way she looks at Lottie. And… her journal was basically a love letter to Lottie.
“Okay, your place after school,” Shauna proclaims, unsure whether it was to Lottie or herself.
“Yup,” Lottie confirms, nodding her head with a smile on her face.
At first, befriending Lottie was simple. Well, not that simple but at least there wasn’t something looming over Shauna. That something was her growing feelings for her. And maybe Shauna’s always had a little crush on her and it never manifested or grew because they spoke to each other very sparingly.
But over the course of weeks, they’ve grown closer. Sometimes, Lottie would even invite Shauna to smoke with her behind the bleachers. And call Shauna a loser or whatever but she was never fond of the idea of smoking. It was dangerous and it had a lot of long-term negative effects on the body—maybe Shauna shouldn’t have paid attention to health class so she can be cooler, but it was hard to ignore that.
Besides, she only occasionally smoked with Lottie and they would share a cigarette. Lottie always offered and even though Shauna had the pack she bought weeks ago safely tucked in her pocket for the situation, she still obliges. Why would she deny a lipstick-stained cigarette? All the things she learned about the effects of smoking immediately leave her mind. Besides, if she shared the cigarette, maybe she didn’t garner all of the negative effects… maybe. Like maybe she’d split it with Lottie or something.
But Shauna only smoked with Lottie, only smoked her cigarette. Sometimes the smell of Lottie’s strawberry-flavoured chapstick rimming the cigarette overtook the smell of smoke that cast around them. It was intoxicating, both figuratively and literally.
The day flew by. Shauna spent most of it giving herself mental pep talks, calming herself down as the idea of being alone with Lottie in her big big house made her anxious. This time there would be no screaming teenagers, sweaty boys and loud music. It would just be her and Lottie.
“Hey, Shauna!” Jackie calls right as Shauna was about to go into the parking lot. Shauna whips around to look at her best friend, who stood in the middle of the hallway with her arms crossed.
“Jackie? What is it?” Shauna asks, unable to stop her voice from leaking all of the concerns she had for this unexpected run-in with Jackie. Shauna had thought she was going to Jeff’s after school and that she was well on her way.
“Are you busy after school?” Jackie walks towards Shauna so they weren’t half-yelling in the hallway.
Shauna’s mind flickered to the school project and then she realized she didn’t tell Jackie about it and that Jackie was still in pursuit of adding Lottie to their small two-person circle.
“Um, I have a project… at Lottie’s?”
“Lottie’s?” Jackie’s head cocks to the side. “Like Lottie Matthews?”
“Is there anyone else named that in our school?”
Jackie gapes at her. “Well, you have to ask her about it.”
“About what?”
“Adding her—”
“Jackie, I will not be asking her that, I’m sorry.”
Jackie sighs. “Well, how about this… we add Lottie and Nat.”
“Jax, I have to go. I need to catch a bus,” Shauna says hurriedly as she practically speed walks out of the building before Jackie could say another word.
As Shauna walks into the parking lot, she catches Lottie near the corner, leaning against her black BMW. She was twirling her keys—which were attached to a fluffy pink keychain—in between her middle and index finger. Shauna’s never been in Lottie’s car but she wouldn’t be surprised if she’d put pink accessories in the exterior, like a pink fluffy steering wheel cover or something.
Lottie looks up and meets her gaze, eyebrows shooting up as if anticipating her arrival.
Shauna’s car broke down two weeks ago so it’s been at the mechanic since. She couldn’t really afford a good mechanic so she sent it over to the local one and it’s been taking years—which wasn’t surprising. Shauna prepared for it… so she was planning to take the bus to Lottie’s house.
“Lottie?”
“You ready?” Lottie calls back, lifting her hand to shield her eyes from the sun.
Shauna reluctantly walks over to where Lottie was, trying hard to walk as normally as possible under Lottie’s watchful gaze. She was still leaning against her car, now crossing her arms. Shauna stops just a meter in front of the other girl.
“Um, are we going there together? In your car…?” Shauna sheepishly asks, bouncing slightly on her feet. She tried not to do that. It occasionally happens when she’s nervous and excited.
Lottie smiles. The sun was cast against her, her brown eyes glowing. “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” Shauna sincerely apologizes, hand waving apologetically. “I would’ve been faster If I knew.”
“No, no,” Lottie reassures, smiling at her comfortingly. “Don’t worry.”
Then Lottie gestures towards the front of her car with a tilt of a head. “Follow me,” she proclaims softly.
Shauna nods her head even though Lottie already turned on her heel. She follows quietly and watches quietly as Lottie whips the passenger door open. Okay, gentlewoman?
“Ladies first,” Lottie mocks a deep voice as she bowed a little, gazing at Shauna through her eyelashes.
Shauna feels her cheeks burning up. “Thanks.”
This was already not going well for Shauna.
Of course, Lottie had a study room. Was it surprising? She even had a small library, that was only Lottie's, with an array of genres. Non-fiction, fiction, science-fiction, and was that a vampire book in there? Lottie definitely had an acquired taste.
Being in Lottie’s house in a non-party sense surprisingly gave Shauna more insight into Lottie. She can see her house’s interior more with a less crowded space. There were family pictures on the walls, drawings Lottie made when she was a kid, and a few awards and medals from high school and middle school. She even had a picture of the Yellowjackets framed in her study room.
“So, I was thinking for our play… I think we should only have two characters, what do you think?” Lottie asks as she plays with the end of her pen with her lips. It was distracting for Shauna for sure. She had to fight so many inner demons to not follow the motion. “Like, I feel like it’ll be too time-consuming to do more than two. That way we only play one each.”
“Mhm,” Shauna hums absentmindedly, suddenly all too aware of the way her cheeks were burning up.
Lottie looks at her without moving her head and looks at her through her eyelashes. It made Shauna even more nervous.
“Really? I mean, what do you think about it?” Lottie presses on, tilting her head to the side more.
“Um, well, I think it’s a great idea,” Shauna proclaims, waving her right hand to emphasize it, though it came up to be a weak wave.
“Shauna, I don’t want you to just agree on everything I say. It’s a group project and I value your opinion,” Lottie murmurs, leaning on the desk a little more as if it would get her word across better. Shauna could argue it made her word come across worse because Lottie opted to wear something that revealed a little cleavage and leaning forward, well, it made them more, let’s just say… prominent.
“Yeah, I know, Lot,” Shauna manages to mumble, albeit a little absentmindedly, but she hoped that Lottie wouldn’t notice. “I like the idea. I don’t want to work too hard either. Good job, Lottie.”
“Okay,” Lottie states in faux enthusiasm. “Well, moving on then. What do you think about romance?”
“Romance?” Shauna repeats, blinking.
“Yeah,” Lottie grins, leaning back into her chair as she crosses her arms. “I think we’d both be good at it, don’t you think?”
“Like good at playing… um, lovers?”
Lottie blinks and Shauna could swear her cheeks were turning a little pink. She then shrugs nonchalantly or tries to, Shauna wasn’t entirely sure. “Yeah, I mean, why not?”
Shauna wasn’t a body language expert by any means, in fact sometimes she can be a little blind, but Lottie did suddenly look a bit closed off or more so nervous. It was uncharacteristic. But why would she be nervous? Wasn’t she the one who suggested the idea?
“You sound a bit unsure…” Shauna trails off. Lottie’s eyes widen slightly.
“No,” Lottie says too quickly. It was amusing, seeing this side of Lottie. “No, we’d be great. Let’s do it.”
“You know you didn’t ask about my opinion right?”
“Oh,” Lottie mumbles, seemingly forgetting that she had reprimanded Shauna not even two minutes ago about how she needs Shauna’s opinion. “Sorry. Well, what do you think?”
“I’m just teasing you. It sounds wonderful,” Shauna says with a chuckle. Wonderful was a word for it, for sure.
Then there was a sharp five-second silence before Lottie said: “Do you think they should kiss?”
Shauna almost thought that what Lottie asked was a figment of her imagination. She looks at Lottie, her eyebrows scrunching together, her brain trying to formulate words.
“Uh…” she trails off, pretending to think. Well, not really pretending since she was actually thinking but she was thinking about kissing Lottie, and what it would be like. So, no, it wasn’t a productive thoughtful pause since it had nothing to do with the project.
“Forget I said that,” Lottie quickly states. “We don’t even know how the story will go. We’ll talk about it later.”
“No, I like it,” Shauna says, her heart thumping in her chest. “It’s romance, right? It’s gotta be believable, moving. We should probably have one of them die in the end.”
Shauna wasn’t sure if she was fighting this hard for it to get a good grade or just… for the sake of kissing Lottie. When would she get another chance, right? Besides, Lottie didn’t seem to be disgusted by the idea, in fact, she suggested it.
Lottie smirks. “Oh, my God. Morbid. I love it.”
“Me too,” Shauna says quietly, trying to keep her eyes trained on her journal as she writes down what they talked about for their play. Shauna’s sure she loves the idea for a different reason than Lottie. She can feel the dark-haired girl’s gaze on her. Her skin felt hot like she needed to scratch it until it turned red.
Shauna glances warily at the clock on Lottie’s wall.
10:38 PM.
Shauna was getting sleepy by the minute. She was resting her cheek on her palm as she looked up at Lottie, who was wide awake, reciting her lines to Shauna.
“If you love me, then you’d let me go…” Lottie murmurs, hand gesturing dramatically towards Shauna. Then, her expression falls flat. “That’s kinda corny isn’t it?”
It took Shauna a moment before responding, her mind getting cloudy because of her being sleepy. “Yeah,” she grumbles.
Lottie’s hand falls to her side, the paper she was holding making a smacking noise as it hits the side of her thigh. She sighs. “Shauna, if you’re tired we can stop.”
“I am tired but,” Shauna glances at the clock again and groans. “I don’t want to go home.”
Lottie eyes her, a glint forming in her eye. “Then, stay for the night or something.”
Shauna perks up at this, head lifting from her palm. It seems the tiredness she once had gone away. “What?”
“Stay,” Lottie murmurs a little sheepishly, but also at the same time commanding.
“I can’t ask you to let me stay here, Lottie,” Shauna states, shaking her head gently. As much as she really wanted to stay, she didn’t want to impose on Lottie.
“Shauna, I really don’t care,” Lottie presses on. Then, her expression falls into a rather sad one as her lips turn into a little frown. “As I told you before, it’s just me here anyways.”
Shauna feels sympathy pooling in her chest, genuinely aching for Lottie.
People at school didn’t know this Lottie. The Lottie that purposely runs a project late so that she could hang out with someone. The Lottie that sat in her big house by herself, trying to entertain herself while her parents emotionally neglected her. It was gut-wrenching to see, to unravel. Shauna almost wished she didn’t know this Lottie because it made her unbelievably sad to know that this was her truth. This was why she was so closed-off, which can be seen as 'mysterious'.
Lottie Matthews wasn’t some mysterious rich popular girl. Well, sure. To some extent, she was, but she was just lonely. She had the money and the popularity but nothing the money could buy could make her happy and she was lonely at the end of the day, coming home to a big empty house.
“Okay, sure,” Shauna concedes, giving the other girl a weak but reassuring smile. She could tell Lottie wasn’t trying to sound too excited as she hurried to clean up their papers.
“Okay, follow me,” Lottie commands as she walks out the door. Shauna trails after her, walking quietly as Lottie led her upstairs. She wondered which bedroom Lottie was going to let her sleep in, she wondered if it was going to be the same one Jackie puked in. Then, she turns to look at Shauna as they reach the top of the stairs. “Which bedroom do you want to sleep in?”
Shauna contemplates for a moment. It was kind of funny actually, that question. Lottie acted like Shauna knew what her options were.
“Can I see your bedroom?”
Lottie blinks at her, lips parting. She was taken aback, and it was a sight so rare, Shauna treasured it. “My… bedroom?”
“Yeah, I just want to see it.”
Lottie stares at her for a moment as if she was trying to think of something to say but her words continue to be jumbled in her mind. “Sure,” she says instead of whatever was hanging on the tip of her tongue.
And… well. Nat was very close. Lottie did have pink sheets, a pink comforter and a pink rug, but the rest was white. Her curtains were white, her furniture was white. It was pretty, and it was very clean, almost resembling a hotel room. The only part that showed that there had been life roaming around these four walls was Lottie’s desk, which was slightly cluttered with papers and books.
“Wow, it’s so… pink,” Shauna murmurs. “It’s nice.”
“You’re the first person who’s ever been here,” Lottie says as she eyes Shauna.
“Really? Not even Nat?”
“No,” Lottie chuckles, shaking her head. “She’d rather just smoke with me… but you… you’re different.”
Shauna raises an eyebrow. “Different? Like… how?”
Lottie shrugs, a soft smile tugging on her lips. “I don’t know. Like, I guess… It seems like you care about me more than most people do. And it’s such a privilege. You’re really not just a pretty face.”
Shauna’s face burns at her last sentence and it seems Lottie notices because she smirks at her.
“Thanks, Lottie,” she manages to mumble. “That’s really, um… sweet of you to say. Really.”
That’s another thing Shauna’s learned too. Despite Lottie growing up neglected and alone, she never failed to make Shauna feel like she was appreciated and supported. Lottie was sweet in ways you wouldn’t expect her to be.
“Of course,” Lottie says before she leans her hands on her dresser and turns to look at Shauna. She gives her a once-over that left Shauna’s skin burning. “So…”
“So… what?” Shauna manages to say.
“Did you wanna sleep here? Or did you just want a tour?” Lottie asks, tilting her head to the right, a sly smirk playing on her lips.
“Sleep here?” Shauna gapes at her. “With you?”
“Damn, Shauna,” Lottie lets out an airy chuckle. “You really know how to make a girl feel special.”
“Oh, no, I’m sorry. It’s just that—”
“I’m just fucking with you, Shipman, God!” Lottie bursts out laughing. “You look like a tomato.”
Then Lottie gets back on her feet, clamping her palms together. “You should probably take the bedroom right beside mine so that if you need anything, and I mean anything, you can just ask me.”
Shauna ignores how her mind went to different places as she smiles tightly and nods her head. Lottie smiles at her before she walks out the door and opens the door right beside hers.
“Thanks, Lottie,” Shauna says as she watches Lottie take out a fresh pair of grey silk pyjamas.
“No problem. This is for our guests so feel free to wear it,” Lottie states as she walks towards the doorway. She stops and turns to look at Shauna again, one last time. “Good night, Shauna.”
“Good night, Lottie.”
The next day was… well, annoying.
Shauna and Lottie had come to school together (obviously because Lottie would've never allowed Shauna to take the bus to school from her house). They’d arrived a little too close to when class started so there were a lot of people outside of their school that watched Lottie open the door for Shauna, watched Lottie drive both her and Shauna to school. It certainly didn’t help that Lottie lent her a shirt that was very obviously hers.
Shauna didn’t realize how suspicious it looked until she saw the number of people gawking at them and whispering.
So, today was objectively one of the worst days of Shauna’s life as rumours started spreading that she was the one Lottie had a crush on and that now they were dating.
Shauna hated rumours and what's worse was that she didn’t know how the rest of the day was going to go.
Notes:
SOOOO obviously not the last chapter... IM pretty sure the next chapter will be the last one but if I don't think the pacing is right I might add more. Sorry I keep changing it lol I just can never tell how I'm pacing my chapters until it's actually written.
Anyways! Thank you for reading and hope to see u in the next chap :)
Chapter 4: pink cleats
Summary:
A thorough look into the next day. The rumours got even worse after the play, the Yellowjackets interrogate Lottie and Shauna and Shauna is spiralling---but what else is new?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“Are the rumours true?” Jackie’s voice booms through Shauna’s right ear.
Shauna glances at her before looking back at her locker, rummaging for her textbooks. “No, Jackie. Of course not.”
Jackie taps her fingers against the locker beside Shauna’s she was digging her palm on. “Then, what the fuck? You slept over at Lottie’s house, then you came to school together and also you’re wearing her fucking shirt!”
Shauna finally turns towards Jackie, her face souring. “What is your problem? Why are you believing the stupid rumours over me?”
“Because, Shauna, I feel like I don’t even know you anymore,” Jackie argues, her eye twitching. “You… you sneak around with Lottie, and I feel you pulling away from me.”
Shauna sighs. “Jackie, no. It’s different.”
“Different how? Like you have feelings for Lottie and not for me?”
Shauna glances over Jackie’s shoulder to see a couple of people staring at them so she pulls Jackie closer. “Can you lower your voice? I’ll tell you everything after school, okay? I promise, Jax.”
Jackie visibly deflates in relief, the tension in her shoulders dissipating. “Fine, but you better keep your promise, Shipman.”
Then in the corner of her eye, she catches Lottie passing by them. It wasn’t hard to miss her. She was tall. And she was wearing a tight white long-sleeve shirt with a black plaid skirt—but Shauna knew that… she woke up in her house remember? Shauna watches Lottie walk away before she catches Lottie giving her a glance over her shoulder as if she knew Shauna was there and she knew Shauna was watching her.
The people who were staring at Shauna saw the interaction and immediately turned toward each other and started whispering. Great. She really needed to talk to Lottie about the rumours. And those people better be glad that the rumours about Shauna weren’t that bad (in fact, she wished it were true) or else they’d probably meet the bitter end of Shauna’s fist.
“Yeah, I promise,” Shauna says, turning towards Jackie, only to realize she was staring at Lottie’s retreating figure too.
“I saw that, you know,” Jackie murmurs, facing Shauna again. “Shauna. If it’s—if it’s true, you can tell me. I… I wouldn’t judge you.”
“Jackie. After school, okay? I promise.”
Jackie bites her lip as she nods. “Fine.”
FIRST PERIOD
“Hey, Shauna,” Nat says as she swiftly plops herself down on the empty seat beside Shauna.
“You don’t usually sit there,” Shauna deadpans, eyeing the blonde girl suspiciously.
Nat throws a haphazard shrug her way. “Who cares?” She drops her bag on the floor, takes out a pen and twirls it in between her middle and index finger. Then she looks at Shauna again. “What, Shipman?”
“I’m supposed to believe you chose to sit beside me for no reason,” Shauna deadpans, squinting her eyes. “Is this about the rumour?”
Nat scoffs, eyebrows furrowing. “I don’t care about the rumours. Last time I checked, I actually know who Lottie has a crush on unlike the rest of you idiots,” she mumbles before her eyes narrowed at her. “Did… Lottie tell you?”
Shauna shakes her head. “No,” then, “I knew it! You wanted to ask me about it.”
Nat groans. “You are insufferable.”
“No, you are!”
Nat eyes her. “Whatever, Shipman. Good luck with your stupid play next period. Have fun macking on Lottie.”
“Lottie told you about that?” Shauna gapes at her. “When did she have time to tell you?”
“She called me last night.”
Huh.
What if Lottie did have a crush on Nat as Shauna previously thought? Late-night calls? That doesn’t seem too platonic, especially considering Nat and Lottie’s dynamic. Besides, Nat kept saying she knew so what if they were, like, secretly dating OR Nat rejected her and now Nat doesn’t want to say anything to anyone to respect Lottie, in case Lottie had been embarrassed.
But then again, Shauna also got some vibes from Lottie. But that can also be explained by Shauna’s growing infatuation with the taller girl. It’s easy to misread signs when you want it so badly, right?
And Shauna and Lottie haven’t even decided whether or not their characters were going to kiss for their play. There was a perfect scene for them to kiss in and when they had practiced, they opted to just look at each other longingly in the part where they were supposed to kiss—then the characters tragically die after.
They both agreed that they weren’t sure whether or not the characters should kiss, but if the moment felt right during the play in front of the entire class, they would do it. They would.
“It’s not for sure that we’re kissing for the play, you know,” Shauna says suddenly, making Nat look up from scribbling black ink into her notebook.
“I know. She told me all about it.”
Then she went back to scribbling.
10 MINUTES BEFORE SECOND PERIOD
“You excited to kiss Matthews?” Nat teases as they walk out of their classroom together.
Shauna gives Nat a look. “Shut up,” she says.
Then, they were suddenly stopped by none other than Taissa Turner. She stood tall in front of Shauna and Nat, a textbook clutched under her arm.
“Hey, Shauna,” then she looks at the other girl. “Natalie.”
“Hey, Tai,” Shauna greets tentatively, looking over Tai’s shoulder before glancing at her surroundings. “What’s—what’s up? You know we have class in ten minutes right?”
Tai nods her head. “Yeah, I know, Shauna,” she says. “I know about the rumours too. I know you’re dating Lottie.”
“What in the actual fuck are you talking about, Tai?” Nat butts in, venom lacing in her voice. “Like, seriously? You’re sucked into it, too? Like the rest of these stupid idiots? I thought you were smarter than that, Turner.”
“I wasn’t talking to you, Nat,” Tai bites back, which makes Nat inch closer to Tai. Shauna instinctively brings her arm out in front of Nat to prevent her from going further. Then, a glint forms in Tai’s eyes. “Or is it you?”
“Me?” Nat repeats, letting out a bitter airy chuckle. “You think Lottie Matthews has a crush on me?”
So… it wasn’t Nat? Shauna throws a subtle glance towards her to check her body language. Once again, Shauna Shipman was no body language expert but Nat seemed like she was telling the truth—though Shauna couldn’t even tell you why she thought that.
Tai raises both of her eyebrows, head cocking to the side as she crosses her arms. “I don’t hear you denying it.”
“No! It’s not fucking me, Tai,” Nat’s voice was raising and Shauna could see people staring at them.
“Guys, please, let’s not do this right now,” Shauna pleaded, but they both ignored her and continued to stare down at each other.
Despite people having class in about nine minutes, some people gathered to watch, as if this was a fucking show for everyone to see.
“Coach will not be happy if this ends up in the principal’s office,” Shauna says slowly. This makes Tai back down, raising her hands.
“I just wanted to check in on Shauna, and you, if it was you,” Tai says. “Sorry to have hit a fucking nerve.”
Nat darkly stares at Tai as the taller girl walks away. Shauna lets out a heavy sigh. That was close. She really didn’t want to have another run-in with the principal. She also didn’t want to go through another one of Jackie’s ‘group bonding’ exercises whenever conflict rose between any of the team members. As much as she loved Jackie, she truly didn’t understand why Jackie thought that stuff would work.
She was just lucky that Jackie wasn’t anywhere nearby… okay, spoke too soon. The aforementioned was now walking towards Nat and Shauna. Shauna begrudgingly kept her feet on the ground and forced herself not to walk away.
“Hey, you two,” Jackie chirps, but then she stops and looks around. “What happened here? Why’s everyone looking here?”
Nat just scoffs, crosses her arms and shakes her head, looking away but doesn’t move to walk away.
“Nothing, it was nothing,” Shauna responds since Nat didn’t seem to want to.
“What was nothing?” Jackie presses on, her eyelashes batting quickly.
Gossip. Jackie just loved gossip. Shauna hated that about her.
“Nat and Tai just had a little scruffle, okay? It wasn’t a big deal, Jackie, just leave it alone,” Shauna snaps as she brushes past Jackie and walks away. She hears Jackie grumble something about what was up Shauna’s ass before she finally turns the corner to her locker.
To her surprise, or more like unsurprisingly—given how things have been going so badly today—Lottie was leaning against Shauna’s locker, tapping her foot against the floor. She seems to be blatantly ignoring the fact that people were staring at her leaning on Shauna’s locker.
“Hey,” Shauna says reluctantly, self-consciously looking around.
“Shauna,” Lottie says, her eyes lighting up as soon as she sees her. “Thank God I caught you.”
“Me too,” she murmurs, the most honest thing she’s said all day. “Things have been weird since this morning.”
Lottie hums and watches as Shauna opens her locker and shoves her things in. “I’m sorry. I should’ve known this would happen. I could’ve dropped you off like half a block away and saved you from being caught up in all of this.”
Shauna turns to look at Lottie and the sight squeezes tightly at her heart. Lottie looked genuinely stricken by the situation, and it seems based on what she just said, she blamed herself for it.
“Lottie, no. Please. You couldn’t have known, it’s fine,” Shauna reassuringly places a hand on Lottie’s arm. When Lottie’s eyes drops down to her hand, Shauna removed it immediately, suddenly all too aware of the eyes on them. Lottie looks back up. “Let’s just go, okay?”
“Okay,” Lottie nods, smiling weakly.
Then Shauna stops and looks at the other girl. She was now wearing a grey sweater and grey sweatpants, severely different from what she wore literally half an hour ago. “What’s with this?”
“I’m Mr. Kane and you’re Ms. Nolan,” Lottie shrugs, a playful smile playing on her lips. Shauna couldn’t help the same smile forming on her own lips too. “Gotta look the part. How do I look?” she asks, leaning her arm against the locker, her body instinctively leaning towards Shauna.
The sudden drop of personal space made all the air leave Shauna’s lungs as she looked into Lottie’s dark eyes. “You look… great,” she manages to mumble.
Lottie grins and winks at her, before finally leaning back, letting the air fall back into Shauna’s lungs. “Thanks,” she says, grinning proudly. “Now, let’s go play lovers.”
SECOND PERIOD
Mrs. Johnson relocated the class to the school’s auditorium. This was all unbeknownst to Shauna and the rest of the glass as they walked in, jaw dropped. There were about two more extra classes sitting in the audience. Shauna would’ve greatly appreciated being informed about the fact that they’d be performing for three classes, including theirs. She probably would’ve practiced more, for example. She and Lottie shared a nervous glance as they walked down to the front seats in the audience.
They settled into their seats and watched Mrs. Johnson as she walked up to the stage. She was grinning widely even though there was no applause. Again, a warning would've been great.
Mrs. Johnson, of course, made up an excuse about why there was no warning about the auditorium or the audience. She said something about how you should always be prepared for when things go differently and you should always go big, even for small projects.
Shauna did think that she and Lottie went big for the project. But then again, acting was very difficult but given the fact that this was an English class and not Drama, Shauna deeply hoped that her teacher knew some people in the class (Shauna) weren’t good at acting.
Lottie was good though. Great, even.
Lottie being a great actress made it difficult for Shauna during their practice. The immense love and adoration in her eyes were overwhelming. It felt so real and raw, like something you’d see between a married couple or something. Lottie was really great at portraying that.
Then…
It was almost like Shauna accidentally fast-forwarded time because now she and Lottie were being called up to the stage. Shauna must’ve unintentionally zoned out through other people’s plays because ten groups’ plays shouldn’t have felt like two minutes.
“Are you ready?” Lottie whispers as she gets up. When Shauna made no move to get up or say anything, Lottie extended her hand. “Don’t worry. I’m with you.”
Shauna’s eyes flicker to her hand before taking it. Her hand was soft and warm, while Shauna’s was clammy. Lottie didn’t complain about it though, instead, she maintained a soft reassuring smile as they walked up to the stage.
The lights were blinding.
Lottie squeezes her hand and Shauna looks at her. She was even more blinding. But it was something less painful than the glaring light in her eyes—it was something more beautiful and soft.
“You got this,” Lottie mouths, giving her a gentle smile, eyes twinkling against the spotlight. This squeezes at Shauna’s heart and something so heavy hits her just then.
She was in love with Lottie Matthews.
It was definitely not a good time to realize, not here, not in front of everyone, and definitely not in front of Lottie. But… maybe it would make her act better? Method acting or whatever it was called, Shauna couldn’t really recall.
So, Shauna channelled her love for Lottie through her acting. Every touch and gaze written in the script was materialized using real feelings. She touched Lottie the way she wanted to, looked at her the way she wanted to, and let her love show through every molecule of her face that she wouldn’t be able to otherwise.
Then, they were nearing the end of the play.
“If you love me, you’d let me go,” Lottie says, taking Shauna’s hand in hers, brown eyes boring into hers.
They were inching closer now, Lottie’s perfume getting more intoxicating by the second. The closer they got, the more Shauna lost her sense of control. This was the last time she’d have Lottie like this, moving closer to her, eyes flickering down to her lips, looking at them like she wanted them, wanted her.
It made Shauna’s heart pound against her chest, it made her knees feel like jello. All she could think about was kissing Lottie.
They got closer and closer until the only thing that Shauna could see was Lottie’s brown eyes right in front of hers before they fluttered close.
And then their lips touch.
Lottie’s hand finds its way to Shauna’s upper arm, squeezing it as if she was afraid Shauna would disappear. Her lips were soft and gentle as they grazed against hers.
Shauna… well, this wasn’t her first kiss. But it certainly felt like this should’ve been how it felt. Instead, it was at Mason Coxwell’s 13th birthday party during a game of spin the bottle. She’d kissed a boy she doesn’t even remember the name of. It was lacklustre and sloppy but it was expected since they were thirteen.
Where her first kiss was cold, uncomfortable and sloppy, Lottie’s kiss was warm, soft and gentle.
It felt surreal to be held by Lottie and kissed by her. Shauna felt lightheaded, feeling Lottie’s soft soft lips on hers, moving gently and passionately as if this were their last kiss with each other.
And maybe it will be (especially in the context of their play’s characters).
Lottie pulls away suddenly and Shauna’s lips chase after hers but Lottie pushes her on the chest gently.
“I can’t go on like this, my love,” Lottie murmurs.
Shauna opens her eyes. The first and only thing she saw was Lottie. Her brown eyes tunnelled on her, ignoring the audience, forgetting the audience. Lottie’s pupils were blown, soft lips plump and sore, and her cheeks rosy. Then Shauna realizes something: that wasn’t in the script.
“What?” Shauna asks, her voice coming out hoarse.
Then, Lottie grabs the paper-knife in Shauna’s hand and stabs herself in the chest. Shauna lunges forward to catch Lottie. They both slid down until they were on the floor with Lottie’s head on Shauna’s lap.
“I love you, Mr. Kane,” she whispers before placing a chaste kiss on Lottie’s forehead.
The audience was silent for a moment. For a beat or two, or three before they erupted into cheers. Shauna helps Lottie up by supporting her arms. Her eyes scope the audience, specifically for Mrs. Johnson, and sure enough, she had a wide grin on her face as she wrote something on her clipboard. Shauna, without a doubt, knew it was an A+.
That was probably going to be Shauna’s best performance in her life—mostly because it was hardly a performance, and, as a non-actress, it was easy to act out something she felt and also mostly because Shauna would probably never act again—not if Lottie doesn’t agree to be her screen partner all her life… but, anyways.
She did enjoy writing the script with Lottie. Maybe that could be something she could go into.
Lottie grabs her hand and raises it as they bow together, the crowd applauding them.
Well, that was something.
10 MINUTES BEFORE LUNCH
“Well, that was something,” Lottie murmurs through the loud school corridor as they exit the auditorium.
Shauna clutches her backpack straps, nodding her head, humming. “Yeah, it sure was,” she agrees, her voice a little shaky, still rather affected by… you know.
There was a tinge of awkwardness between them now. Shauna wasn’t entirely sure if she was imagining it or not, but it surely was… there. And it was making Shauna feel jittery and nervous. Maybe Lottie didn’t enjoy the kiss as much as Shauna did. But why would she, right? It’s not like Lottie had feelings for Shauna, in fact, it was well established that it’s not her that she has a crush on, at least it’s what Shauna thinks anyways.
Lottie was keeping her gaze up ahead as they walked to Shauna’s locker. And maybe Lottie wasn’t as uncomfortable about the kiss as Shauna thought because she could’ve just separated from her as soon as they got out of the auditorium. Lottie wasn’t obligated to go to lunch with Shauna, in fact, Lottie often ate lunch without the Yellowjackets.
As Shauna opened her locker and rummaged through it she realized that the rumours were probably about to get worse. There were about 90 people in that auditorium. Lottie and Shauna kissing during the play was probably going to spread like wildfire. The school probably wouldn’t even care that it was only for the play either (it wasn’t only for the play for Shauna).
“Oh God, people keep looking at us,” Lottie says suddenly. “Like, more than usual.”
“I’m not surprised,” Shauna responds, closing her locker after she takes her lunch out. “Let’s head to the cafeteria…” She trails off and then looks at Lottie. “Um, you are eating with us right?”
Lottie nods her head.
“Okay, let’s go,” Shauna says, catching the smile Lottie was trying to hide as they walked to the cafeteria.
LUNCH
“What the fuck,” Nat mutters, eyeing them carefully, as Lottie and Shauna sit at the table. Shauna only gives her a dismissive glance.
They were earlier than usual. Only Nat, Jackie and Tai were seated at their table so far. They were all staring at Lottie and Shauna with pure utter bewilderment.
“What the fuck,” Nat repeats again in that weird accent she had sometimes.
Shauna finally looks at her as she takes out her lunch from its bag. “What, Nat?”
“You two actually fucking kissed,” Nat says as she grins, dimples popping out on her pale cheeks.
Jackie scoffs beside her, crossing her arms, while Tai chuckles and shakes her head.
“Yeah, Shauna, what is that all about?” Jackie mutters, clearly upset for some reason. “First the rumours, now this? What made you two think it’s okay to kiss in front of almost a hundred people amidst the rumours that are apparently untrue?”
Shauna groans. “Why are you so upset, Jackie? It was just for the play!”
“Well, I’m your best friend, for one,” Jackie retorts, eyes widening at her in frustration. “I feel like I should know about this little weird thing you and Lottie got going on.”
“What’s weird about it, Taylor?” Lottie buds in, cocking her head to the side as she eyed Jackie inquisitively.
“I don’t know! Clearly you two like each other, Lottie,” Jackie argues, which makes Lottie shut up for some reason. Shauna wonders why Lottie doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, Lottie stayed quiet as Tai budded in.
“It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that,” Tai mutters.
“Okay, why does everyone think that?” Shauna asks, face burning up. “Like, seriously?”
Shauna was feeling nervous. Her worst fear would probably be Lottie saying ew in regards to someone implying that they should date. But Lottie was sweet, she would never do that. But then also, Shauna was nervous about the whole situation in general in case Lottie puts two and two together and realizes that Shauna was in love with her, completely and utterly.
“We do like each other,” Lottie suddenly says, making Shauna’s heart stop. “—as much as friends do.”
Shauna couldn’t stop her heart from squeezing at her last sentence because… of course. How could she be so stupid to even have a little bit of hope that Lottie could ever feel the same way? Why would Lottie ever feel the same way? Shauna was boring and there was nothing special about her at all while Lottie was complicated, complex and beautiful.
And that kiss.
How could Lottie kiss her like that and have it not mean anything? How could she hold her and press her lips against hers so gently like she knew that if she applied just a bit more pressure, Shauna would crumble? And Lottie was sweet like that, considerate. Shauna couldn’t help but think anyone who would ever date Lottie in the future—whoever would ever have the privilege to—would be so lucky. But also, as much as it hurt, it was also really great to be just friends with Lottie.
Lottie was everything to Shauna. She doesn’t think she would ever meet anyone like her ever in her life and she feared sometimes that their friendship was something short-lived. Like it was just a little blip, a little phase—if you will—and then after they graduate Lottie would never talk to her again.
But, of course, Shauna liked to hope, to hope deeply, that even if they were just friends, they stayed friends forever. Lottie was special to Shauna like that now.
Shauna looks at Lottie. And the way she was defending her and Shauna’s friendship to Jackie gave her a slither of hope that perhaps it could last longer than a short friendship. Lottie’s dark hair cascaded beautifully down her shoulders. She was still wearing the grey hoodie and sweatpants and Shauna thought she still looked beautiful in them—perhaps even more beautiful. Lottie looked comfortable in them, more comfortable than the skirts she usually wore.
“Right, Shauna?” Lottie asks, her big brown eyes suddenly looking at Shauna now.
Shauna flinches as if she was just caught staring, which she kind of was, but Lottie doesn’t say anything about it. “What?”
“I was telling Jackie about how—”
“Here are the lovebirds…” Van singsongs as she plops down beside Tai. She then looks at Shauna with a fiery exciting look in her eyes that only made Shauna nervous. “So, how was kissing one of the most popular girls in school? Wait, actually—I’ll do you one better… how was being her first kiss?”
Shauna’s eyes widened as she turned to Lottie. “I was your first kiss?”
Lottie half shrugs. “Yeah, you were.”
“What?”
“Aww,” Tai says. “I really can’t be convinced you two don’t have the hots for each other.”
Nat snickers, but doesn’t say anything. Shauna looks at Jackie to see her still crossing her arms like a child, not having touched her food at all. Shauna elbows her gently, and she looks up.
“I’ll tell you after school, Jackie, okay? Please have some food,” she whispers.
Jackie looks at her contemplatively before sighing and begrudgingly obliging. “As I said this morning, you better, Shipman. As your best friend, I deserve to know everything.”
“Yeah,” Shauna says before catching Lottie’s concerned eyes.
“You okay?” Lottie mouths.
“Yeah,” Shauna mouths back.
Shauna still couldn’t figure out why Jackie wanted to add Lottie to their circle. Like, sure, she was popular but Shauna hasn’t even seen them interact for more than two minutes.
And Shauna realizes too that a person can have more than one best friend. For years now, it’s always been Jackie. Jackie was her best friend, and she was the only one and Shauna was also her best friend and her only one. And Shauna believed for so long that there could only be one.
Sure she’s seen other people have multiple best friends but she couldn’t see it for herself. But then Lottie came into her life. She was definitely Shauna’s best friend too, and this time it was scarier because she didn’t even know if Lottie considered her her best friend as well. With Jackie, it was always known but with Lottie… no.
And maybe that’s what she loved about Lottie, too. She was unpredictable and exciting—and it was exactly what Shauna just needed in her life. She didn’t want to be stagnant and with Lottie in her life, she was sure that she’d never feel stagnant.
But her feelings were still gnawing at her. It was eating at her brain and she was sure that they’d already eaten all of her heart.
The Yellowjackets spent the rest of lunch arguing about the rumours. At some point, despite Jackie being upset at Shauna, she suggested that Lottie and Shauna pretend to date so that Shauna can be more popular. Shauna had shut it down quickly, of course. Nat, despite everyone pestering her—in front of Lottie, by the way—still didn’t reveal who Lottie has a crush on. And Lottie continued to defend her and Shauna’s friendship, reiterating over and over again that they weren’t sneaking around and hooking up (Shauna’s cheeks burned up every time that was mentioned, especially coming from Lottie’s lips).
And so, that was lunch.
The rest of the day went about the same.
There were the same whispers about the rumours. The entire school knew about the kiss and according to the audience, the kiss was way too passionate to be fake especially since she and Lottie were in high school and didn’t particularly go to acting classes or do one class of drama.
So, maybe that was true—for Shauna’s part anyways.
Shauna’s last period had ended. She wanted to see Lottie, to talk to her about everything alone, but she’d promised Jackie she would explain everything to her.
And as irritating as Jackie can be, Shauna still couldn’t stand it when Jackie was upset. She was her best friend, best friend since kindergarten. For years and years, they’ve been there for each other and told each other everything. They weren’t going to stop now.
Shauna rounds the corner and spots Jackie sitting on the curb at the edge of the parking lot. She looked out of place alone sitting on the pavement, kicking rocks.
“Hey, Jax,” Shauna greets softly as she sits down beside her.
Jackie sighs, putting her face in her hands. “Can you explain everything? I hate being out of loop with your life,” Jackie says, her voice muffling since, well, her lips were pressed up against her palms.
“Could you look at me, at least?” Shauna asks, hating how small Jackie looked right now. It was almost identical to second grade when Jackie wouldn’t stop crying because someone stole her favourite pencil she’d carved her initials on.
Jackie looks at her, finally. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Shauna takes a deep breath, nervousness suddenly bubbling up in her chest. “So… yeah, you’re right. I do have a crush on Lottie—well, actually… I’m, like… in love with her.”
Jackie gapes at her, eyes widening so much that her eyes looked like they could roll out any second. “What? You… you’re—but you said during lunch—”
“Jackie, obviously I wasn’t going to tell our friends that. And Lottie was right there, in case you forgot,” Shauna states, chuckling lightly. Then she places a hand on Jackie’s arm. “I’m telling you. You’re the only person who knows because… I trust you, Jackie. And you’re my best friend. ”
Jackie smiles and it was a little lopsided, like she was trying not to smile too hard. “You’re mine too.”
“But I’m sorry I made you feel like I wasn’t telling you anything,” Shauna says sincerely, looking down at the pavement. “I was just trying to figure everything out, you know?”
“No,” Jackie deadpanned, which made Shauna’s heart drop. “No, Shauna. I apologize. I’m sorry I made everything about myself. I’m really happy you told me.”
“Thanks, Jackie,” Shauna smiles at her and Jackie pulls her into a warm tight hug. “Love you,” she muffles against Jackie’s hair.
And for the first time in a while, Jackie says, “I love you too.”
Shauna glances at Lottie’s parking spot. It was at the corner of the parking lot, but it was empty. Lottie had left. Shauna closes her eyes and sighs into Jackie’s hair.
Guess she’ll talk to Lottie tomorrow.
Shauna brushes her teeth hard, thinking about everything that happened on this day alone. The kiss, the rumours and the interrogations from everyone and even her friends. It was an overwhelming day, to say the least, and today was probably one of the worst days of her life.
She gargles and grabs her towelette to wipe her lips. Then, she washes her face in cold water, her face numbing in the process. But it felt nice, felt nice to be numb after that day.
Then Shauna got comfortable in her bed and grabbed her book from her nightstand. She was about halfway through, but she had been reading this same book for months now. She couldn’t even tell you what happened one hundred pages ago. But it was a good escape every night, to just forget about everything, forget about her stupid crush on Lottie Matthews.
Knock knock knock…
Shauna looks at her window and her eyes widen immediately, her heart pounding, as she closes the book with a slam. Lottie Matthews, the aforementioned, was right outside her bedroom window and she was kneeling on her roof, her fist frozen midway to another knock.
Shauna shoots out the bed to unlatch and open the window. She watches as Lottie climbs in, grunting. She watches and wonders why she was here. How did she even know where she lived?
“Lottie?” she murmurs as Lottie straightens up and runs her hands through her hair before looking at her.
“Shauna, I know this is weird,” she starts, “but I really needed to talk to you.”
Shauna couldn’t help the smile that tugged on her lips. “Yeah, me too,” she says. “I wanted to talk to you, um, after school.”
Lottie lets out a breathy chuckle. “It still is after school, so…” she walks over to Shauna’s bed and gestures towards it. “Can we sit?”
Shauna takes a deep breath as her hands run over her thighs to smooth down her already smooth pajamas. Her head was humming, a minute of pain, really. A small headache. It was normal. She nods her head. “Sure.”
She sits beside Lottie. There was space between them, but Shauna could still feel the warmth from Lottie’s arms on hers.
It was weird having Lottie in her room. Shauna didn’t really have time to prepare. She didn’t clean her room, tidy her bed, and remove the pile of clothes on her chair. To be fair, Lottie had come unannounced, knocking on her window like some teenage boy.
Then it hit Shauna that Lottie had climbed her house. Lottie Matthews—favourite colour: pink, favourite bottoms: skirts, keychains: pink—climbed her house. It was weird. If it had been a few months ago and you’d told Shauna that in a few months, Lottie Matthews was going to climb her house and go into her bedroom through her window, Shauna would’ve laughed in your face.
And it’s not to say Shauna thought Lottie was too feminine for any kind of climbing really. Lottie was an athlete, she played soccer with Shauna. Lottie was also very tall, and she certainly looked like she had the strength to climb anything. And despite Lottie dressing feminine most of the time, she had a sort of masculine energy sometimes. Like she was… bossy? In a good way? Or more like dominant. She takes charge.
If she tells you what to do, you do it. If she tells you to follow her, you do it and you trail behind her and smell her flowery perfume.
It was more like… well, Lottie climbed her house for Shauna, like she really needed to tell her something important. But then again, Shauna’s seen dozens of movies and films before. People climb into each other’s windows for any reason, and sometimes not particularly important.
But this seemed important, judging by the way Lottie’s right leg was bouncing restlessly, albeit very subtly but Shauna can feel it, can see it.
“Lottie,” Shauna starts, pausing to look at her. “What’s—what’s going on?”
Lottie looks at her too. She had a small frown on her face that Shauna wanted nothing more than to smooth down, along with the tiny wrinkle in between her eyebrows. She looked worried and hesitant.
“I wanna tell you everything, Shauna,” she murmurs, reaching out to take both of Shauna’s hands into hers.
Shauna’s heart skips a beat as her eyes immediately fall to their entwined hands.
“I hate lying to you,” Lottie continues, chuckling airily. “I… I wanna start from the very beginning if that’s okay. This… this, um, is going to be a long one. So, if you want to say anything, please wait ‘til I’m done, okay? It took me a while to gather this courage, um… I don’t really like being vulnerable, but who does really, right?”
Shauna lets out a weak laugh. Her heart was pounding. This felt a little like some kind of confession. It felt intimate too. They were holding hands and it felt like it was just her and Lottie in this world, sharing the same breaths.
“So. Well, let me start from the beginning. The crush thing? Yeah, I wanna talk about that. Do you remember in freshman year when I forgot my cleats at home and we had our first tryouts?”
Shauna nods her head.
“Well, I remember you coming into the locker room, saving the day, you know? Somehow, you had an extra pair. And those cleats—they were pink, and I thought wow! And, like… I didn’t know you then but it was funny to me. A girl like you has pink cleats. And, well, you’ve intrigued me since. I’ve watched you grow from the sidelines, essentially. And well, naturally, as does anyone else who ever took the time to study you, I… developed a crush on you. And contrary to popular belief… the crush didn’t just randomly happen a few months ago. I’ve liked you for years, Shauna. I’ve liked you ever since you handed me those pink cleats. I’ve liked you ever since you tripped walking to class once in junior year and I could tell you were embarrassed that I saw. You didn’t even know I was thinking about just how cute you were. I’ve liked you since you walked into my party wearing that red dress. I’ve liked you then and I’ve liked you even more now.”
“And I know it might be weird for you, I guess. Like, we never really properly spoke until a few months ago and now I’m telling you all of these things. I know it’s a lot. But I really hadn’t intended to, you know, actually start talking to you as much as we do now. I was scared. I was scared the feelings would grow more than an infatuation if I ever spoke to you for more than, like, five or ten minutes. And I was right—God was I fucking right!”
“I felt like I was drowning, you know? Seeing you every day for four years… like you just walk around not knowing how fucking beautiful you are. Seriously, Shauna. You’re beautiful. I don’t even know where to begin. Your eyes? They’re the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen in the world and your hair always smells good, like coconut, or something. And your writing? It’s so… oh my God, I was always mesmerized every time you had to recite a poem in front of the class.”
“And God, sorry, I feel like I’m embarrassing myself,” Lottie pauses to laugh nervously. Shauna squeezes her hands, trying so hard not to say anything, not to yell at her and say she felt the same way too. “And I know you don’t like me back. But I just really wanted to tell you that. If you don’t want to be friends anymore I… I understand and—”
Then Shauna couldn’t stop herself anymore.
She leans in and kisses Lottie. She presses against Lottie’s lips gently. Her hand comes up to cup Lottie’s cheek, her fingertips brushing against the base of Lottie’s hair beneath her ear. She couldn’t stop herself from going higher and letting her hand swim into Lottie’s hair.
Lottie doesn’t move for a second or two, but then she starts kissing her back, moving her lips against Shauna’s, her hands feverishly coming up to cup both of Shauna’s cheeks, pulling her closer. Shauna ends up being pulled on top of Lottie as Lottie’s back falls onto the bed, Shauna straddling her now.
Shauna pulls apart from the kiss, breathing heavily. She looks down at Lottie, whose pupils were blown, lips pink and sore. She was looking at her with such an overwhelming amount of adoration in her brown eyes.
“Shauna, does this—” she pauses, trying to catch her breath, “does this mean you like me too?”
Shauna leans in, til their noses touch, their lips a mere inch apart. Then, she smiles. “No, I’m just kissing you for no reason,” she says sarcastically, then she presses another kiss on Lottie’s lips, which seemed to have surprised Lottie since she lets out a little noise, a noise that had something pool at the bottom of Shauna’s stomach. Then, Shauna pulls apart again.
“Yes, Lottie. I like you too. Wasn’t that obvious?”
Lottie chuckles. “No,” she says, her hands coming up to place them on Shauna’s hips. She squeezes, once, twice. “Now, where were we?”
Shauna grins before leaning in to kiss Lottie again.
Shauna’s never felt this happy before. The girl she was in love with was on her bed, kissing her and pressing their bodies together. Shauna’s body tingled at every touch, every kiss.
And then Shauna realized… sometimes rumours weren’t that bad after all.
Notes:
I'm still unsure whether I should make another chapter to tie everything up or not. So keep a lookout on that, IN CASE I do make another chapter. Like I might want to make another chapter to show how the school and the Yellowjackets react to Lottie and Shauna getting together--IF they even tell them... but for now, I'll keep it as finished, BUT IT CAN CHANGE (epilogue coming maybe)!!!!
anyways thank you all for reading <3!!!!!
if you want to be twitter mutuals my twitter is @gayteenscorner. :)
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