Chapter Text
Rainbow kicked the pebbles at her feet, watching the few stones fly across the pavement in the moonlight. Her hands shoved in her pockets, tears streaming down her face, a lump in her throat she couldn't swallow. She had no idea what time it was, a dead phone in her hand and an empty driveway in front of her was all she had, accompanied by the sound of crickets chirping from the fields around her. She stopped in her tracks, looking up at the full moon that shone overhead. It was too blurry for her to see its true beauty, the tears in her eyes forcing the light to go all different directions through her vision.
Looking off to the side of the path, she threw her phone down in the grass and slumped to the ground. Her head fell into her hands as her sobbing grew heavier. It was one of those silent cries, unbelievably painful, like everything was trapped inside and it just wouldn't come out. Salty tears ran down her cheeks and arms, dripping onto her shorts like drops of dew. She clutched the fabric of her shirt in her hands, wiping away the sweat and tears that had accumulated, but also an attempt at grounding herself. One of those shaky breaths racked her body as she tried to draw it in.
Applejack's driveway-or rather, an extremely unnecessary long path that led up to her house- was a place that Rainbow was familiar with. The amount of days she had spent treading this path, whether it was excitedly running up to Applejack's door, or storming off down the gravel in a fit of rage, all of them added up to a nostalgic feeling she experienced every time the sun set and the chirping crickets broke the silence of the farmland. Fields surrounded her, grass taller than her grew wildly behind the white fences, cows and other livestock lived beyond the fields in the worn down barn that she recalls spending most of her summer in.
Unfortunately, today was not one of those days that Rainbow spent frolicking through the fields. Oh how she missed last summer, before everything went wrong- back when popsicle juice ran down her arms, full of storytelling and muddied converse, the smell of sunscreen and the sound of cicadas. Back when her favorite person was always along side her, the freckled blondie who never turned down a challenge, when their days were spent chasing each other down and their nights spent stargazing under the quiet sky. Today, Rainbow Dash only saw those times as a distant memory, something that could never be achieved again. Something that was lost when she lost a part of her- something she could never get back.
All she wanted was to talk to Applejack. She had tried her usual routine of knocking on her bedroom window, crouching by the window sill and hoping she would hear. Usually, whenever Rainbow came to her window late at night, she either wanted a hug or to fuck, but this time she just wanted Applejack to hear her out. She knew she had fucked up big time, and Applejack is usually lenient on listening when Rainbow tries to apologize, but this was the first time she had slammed the window shut and drawn the curtains. Rainbow Dash wasn't much of a crier either, and that was one of those moments when the tears came bursting through.
She squeezed her eyes shut when all she could think about was the look on Applejack's face. She didn't know what was worse- the sheer rage that shone in her green eyes just now, staring straight into her own, or the disappointed glare that she had given her in the hallway earlier that day. Applejack was a tough one. Her high spirits and stubborn attitude were only a few characteristics that made her... Applejack. Some may describe her as strong, straightforward, and honest, adjectives that might not mean much to a stranger. But to Rainbow Dash, that's what made Applejack hers. She noticed things some might never see. Like the way her eyes glisten when she talks about her family, and how her country accent heightens when she gets pissed. But she especially notices the way Applejack looks at her, the way her gaze slightly softens and her voice gets just a little quieter when she talks to Rainbow up close.
Her sobs racked her body as she tried to control her breathing, starting to near the edge of hyperventilating. She drew her knees into her stomach and clutched them, digging her nails into her skin and hardly feeling a thing. She had never meant to hurt her. She loved her more than she loved winning, or being awesome, or-
"..dash?" a voice came from nearby, shocking Rainbow out of her head. Her head shot up and she immediately wiped her tears away before she even knew who it was.
Even in the moonlight, she could recognize that bow from a mile away.
"Oh, God, please don't look at me like this," she started, barely getting the words out as she sniffed. She kept drying her tears on her sleeves as the girl got closer.
"Gollee Rainbow, are you alright?" Apple Bloom whispered, crouching down next to her as soon as she got close enough. Rainbow caved into herself again once Apple Bloom sat next to her, her hand hovering over Rainbow's arm before finally settling on it. Rainbow flinched slightly, but didn't move away, only turning her head the other direction. Rainbow had always treated Apple Bloom like her own sister, and sometimes she almost felt like she spent more time with her than Applejack. Rainbow would come by Sweet Apple Acres sometimes even if Applejack wasn't around, she'd go just to spend time with her little sister.
Apple Bloom frantically searched the side of Rainbow's face for an answer, her hand moving to rub her back. "Do you want me to go get AJ-"
"No!" Rainbow yelled, head shooting up to face her. Apple Bloom jumped at her sudden outburst and sat back a bit, quickly adjusting and realizing something had happened. Rainbow's lip started quivering as she looked Apple Bloom in the eye for the first time and tried to hold back another sob.
"Rainbow... tell me what happened," she whispered, hand moving in circles on her back.
She couldn't even hear Apple Bloom's voice anymore, the sound of Applejack's harsh words echoing through her mind were louder than the real world. Her eyes squeezed shut again, her breath quickening uncontrollably.
"Dash, Dash-" Apple Bloom whispered frantically, eyes blowing wide as tears kept slipping down Rainbow's face. "Please, tell me what's wrong," she asked again, now sitting cross-legged in front of her, hand gently wrapped around Rainbow's wrist as she tried to pry her hands off her face. She tried to pull away but Apple Bloom wouldn't let her, successfully forcing her swollen eyes to look up. Apple Bloom felt her heart shatter. Never in her life had she seen someone so stubborn and tough look so broken.
Her gaze dropped but she didn't move away. Rainbow could feel her face getting hot, so ashamed that she had let someone see her cry. Not just anyone, but one of the people that looked up to her the most. A sickening feeling grew in her stomach when she realized she was going to have to talk about it.
Apple Bloom stayed silent. She knew that Rainbow understood what she was waiting for. "Don't make me-"
"You're obviously not going to talk to her about it so I think I'm the next best option," Apple Bloom cut in quickly, back straight and eyebrows raised. Rainbow almost had to stifle a laugh, but it quickly fell away when the face she was making reminded her of Applejack.
Gently, Apple Bloom reached a hand out and placed it on Rainbow's shoulder. She gave it a little squeeze and smiled. "Just spit it out," she whispered, Rainbow finally meeting her eyes.
"I don't think I should see her anymore," Rainbow muttered, and Apple Bloom's face fell. "What?" she breathed, hand falling from her shoulder. "I thought you were gonna list off stupid things you regret saying, but what makes you think that?"
Rainbow's heart pounded. "I keep fucking it up," she murmured under her breath. "Every damn day, I say the wrong thing. I used to know exactly what to say! And it's like I can see right through her, I can see her fucking heart shatter in her eyes and it's- it's-"
Her sentence trailed off as her hands covered her face again. "I'm not good for her anymore. I'm a fucking asshole who only thinks about herself," she spat, not letting Apple Bloom look at her face. Her nails dug into her forehead as she talked. "Goddammit, I'm just not the person I used to be-"
"You're grieving, Dash," she cut her off, making Rainbow's eyes shoot up to hers. 'That's no excuse-"
"Yes it is." Apple Bloom let out a sigh. "It doesn't excuse the things you say, but it does give an explanation as to why," she finished, pulling Rainbow's hands off her face and rubbing her thumb over the marks she left.
Rainbow Dash uncurled from her ball. "When did you get so smart, bitchass? Aren't you like 13?"
Apple Bloom chuckled. "I'm gonna let that one slide, but.." she sighed again. "Rainbow, it's not over. It's just one misunderstanding. You don't have to let it end."
"But Appleja-"
"Will always be here," Apple Bloom finished her sentence.
It had only been two months since Rainbow's younger sister passed. Two months of grief, rage, and heart-shattering pain that Rainbow had endured, carrying the weight of her breaking family on her shoulders, unable to do anything about it. She had only recently left the denial stage, and for the past few weeks she had been in a state of pure anger that unfortunately affected everyone around her. Especially Applejack.
Applejack was her rock. She turned to her in every moment of need, ever, but Applejack did the same. Neither of them could live without the other, their relationship standing on a tall stack of bricks that had been built up over years of friendship, which eventually lead to feelings, but was now teetering due to the tumult Rainbow had caused. But not because her sister died, of course that wasn't her fault, but because of the way her mind handled it. She wished she could just mourn like any other person. She wished she only got sad when she thought of her sister, but all she ever felt was unending fury for the person that had hit her with their car.
Often when her outburst of anger ended, all she was left with was guilt. She carried it with her everywhere- guilt simmering in her stomach, in the back of her head, reminding her everyday of things she didn't mean to say and people she didn't mean to hurt. It was all uncontrollable. And the worst part was she refused help.
Rainbow was brought back to reality by the gentle hand that ran through her multi-colored hair. Apple Bloom still sat in front of her, soft eyes glistening in the moonlight, buzzing with attentiveness. Rainbow blinked a few times as she sat up straighter and uncurled from her ball again.
"You zoned out there for a dozen minutes or so," Apple Bloom began, a small smile pulling at her lips. "What else is on your mind?"
Rainbow sighed and shook her head. "I don't really know what to do," she muttered.
'Tell me what exactly happened," she suggested, hand still running through her hair, small fingers getting stuck in the tangles. "Are you sitting in my driveway because you just left her room?"
She nodded. "You probably already know this, but- whenever I want to see her past curfew, I sneak in through her window.."
"Yeah I'm quite aware. Y'all aren't as quiet as ya think you are-"
"Ohmygod shut up shut up," Rainbow cut in quickly, cringing and feeling heat rush to her face. "Anyways..."
Apple Bloom snickered and Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Yesterday, at lunch, I kinda... told Twilight something AJ didn't want her to know, and it wasn't that big of a deal, but when AJ told me she didn't want her to know I kinda blew up in her face.."
"And what did Twi not want to know?"
"Uh, it seriously wasn't a big deal, AJ was ditching their study date for me, but she had told Twilight she had an appointment or something... but I mentioned how AJ and I were busy after school and Twilight sounded kinda hurt. So maybe it was a big deal and I was being insensitive..."
Rainbow's sentence trailed off as she stared at the ground again. "Don't think about that part right now, just keep going," Apple Bloom encouraged, trying to stop her from dwelling on it.
"When AJ mentioned that I had upset Twilight, I kinda.. sorta, told her to shut the fuck up. I think. And maybe I said to go to hell. Aaaand maybe I accidentally sorta kinda went on a rant about how I felt ignored by her lately or some shit... it just wasn't the time. It's not even that important."
"Why do you feel ignored by AJ?" Apple Bloom asked, eyebrows furrowing.
"That's the thing! Is she's not, ignoring me, but I feel ignored, I just feel hurt, all the time, I.." Rainbow hid her face in her hands again.
Apple Bloom pursed her lips together and looked off into the field behind her. "Listen, Dash, I don't think it's AJ that you feel hurt by, I think you're just.. hurt, in general."
The silence that followed was deafening. Words that Rainbow knew but didn't want to hear. She never wanted to hear. She couldn't hear.
Rainbow knows she needs help. She really does. Deep down, she understands that going through grief like this at such a young age can leave someone uncontrollable, inconsolable and helpless. She knows. But she refuses to admit it.