light of yours (we'll help you see)

by Anonymous

Summary:

Jiwoong has always been afraid of the dark, wand enclosed spaces. The members were aware of the fact that he wasn't comfortable with complete darkness. But no one could have predicted how bad this "fear" actually was.

It was no secret that Jiwoong didn't really like the dark.

He even slept with a night light on, if the room wasn't bright enough to make out most of the stuff in it he couldn't take it. Often Gyuvin and some of the kids would tease him about it. But it was all in the light of being annoying "Jiwoong hyung even I don't sleep with the light on," Yujin would tease him sometimes. Jiwoong would chuckle and say "Watch out Yujin-ah, the monsters in the dark are going to come bite you,".

But it wasn't baseless. Jiwoong was terrified of the dark, especially if it was an enclosed space because there were a lot of bad memories he had associated with them. So he always carried around a flashlight in his bag, he never used it up until today, but it gave him a sense of comfort, there was no way he would have to be in a dark environment then.

He liked to think of his fear of the dark as something he could ignore if he didn't think about where he was. He was sure that his fear had gotten better as compared to how it was 4 years ago. For 4 years he was able to avoid any situations in which he had to be in the dark or a completely enclosed place. He didn't know how he would react to it if he was put in it now, probably would be used to it.

Silly fears, Right now the only actual fear that he had was failing to be successful, although deep down he knew the chances of that are close to zero, he couldn't help but doubt it. So he was determined to work his ass off and do everything he can to succeed this time. And seeing the boys with him, he was going to push through everything for this.

It seemed that all the boys had a similar mindset to his because now they were all huddled in the practice room, discussing how they were going to make their stage presence more on par with all their role models. Jiwoong, Zhang Hao, Yujin, and Ricky were looking at a performance video of Seventeen's Fear.

Jiwoong paused the video and said, "They all bow down to the same level regardless of their height, do you reckon we should do the same or everyone bend a certain amount so the angles are the same?". Hao thought for a while and said "Maybe we should do both, try to have the taller ones bend a little more, but not an obvious amount, and adjust the angles accordingly,". Ricky shook his head in disagreement "No, that would look too shabby, diff angles and heights. We should focus on one,". Yujin nodded in agreement with Ricky. "I think it would depend on the choreography, so we should use either accordingly," The three older members agreed with the youngest.

In another corner of the room Taerae was giving Hanbin, and Gunwook tips about how to make their singing voices sound more clear. "Your throat seems to close up when you increase your volume, so try to increase your pitch without playing with the volume, if not it sounds strained," Taerae told Gunwook as the younger nodded as he applied Taerae's suggestions. Hanbin sat listening and taking input.

Gyuvin was teaching Matthew a few Korean slang since the older felt a little stuck when interviewers or fans would use slang.

"You don't say 'odjal TV' anymore hyung, instead you replace TV with any furniture, it's been going around recently," Gyuvin said as Matthew nodded.

Suddenly the door to the practice room opened, The four reviewing choreographies were the closest to the door. A staff peaked into the practice room.

"I'm sorry to disturb you guys but is it possible that one of you help us with these boxes?" she questioned.

Before anyone could respond, Jiwoong got up to his feet and approached her. "I'll help," he said bending down to pick up the boxes. The other members would have done the same but Jiwoong was just fast.

"Are you guys sure you don't need any more help? We all would be happy to," Hanbin offered. The staff kindly smiled and said "No there's no need, it's just this one box we are struggling with," she said. "But Maybe one of you could help Jiwoong-ssi, The box is heavy," she said looking at Jiwoong.

He smiled at her and shook his head "No no it's fine, I can handle it," he said. He made eye contact with Ricky who raised his eyebrows. Jiwoong just gave him a reassuring nod, and so the younger let it be.

Jiwoong then left with the staff in the elevator carrying the boxes.

The boys got back to what they were doing, and Hao, Ricky, and Yujin went back to observing videos. Matthew started teaching Gyuvin English slang while the other 3 went back to understanding each of their vocal techniques.

"Ah Hyung my throat hurts," Gunwook whined as Taerae was trying to get him to higher his pitch. It had been a good hour since they had started. Hanbin and Taerae laughed at the younger's cuteness. "Okay then let's end this session now?" Hanbin said patting Gunwook's back. He looked at the others and then looked down to read the time on his phone.

"Guys let's wind up practice for a while. We have a group dance lesson in 3 hours, let's rest before it," Hanbin suggested as the leader. But all of the boys were fully immersed in whatever they were doing, Matthew and Gyuvin still discussing about slangs while the other three were like meerkats peering at the screen. "Guys?" Hanbin called out once again. He shook his head and got up. He walked towards the three boys looking at the choreo videos and turned the screen off. The three looked up about to argue, but when they saw Hanbin smiling at them, it all died out. He then proceeded to walk to Gyuvin and Matthew and snapped them out of the apparently very interesting conversation they were having. "Break guys," Hanbin said once more. "Let's switch what we are doing before our practice,"

"What do you want to do then?" Hao asked.

"Basketball?" Ricky suggested. He loved playing basketball, when they were training he often pulled the Yuehuaz out to a court to match with them. But he never played with all 9 members together yet. He considered playing basketball to be one of the few ways he got closer to people. He had pulled a few of the members to play with him before, like that time Gyuvin, Jiwoong and he snuck out of the dorm, frustrated with all the schedules and wanting to get some peace of mind. They ended up losing track of time and playing for hours, that was before Hanbin called them enquiring about their whereabouts.

"I'm in," Yujin said enthusiastically. "Me too," Matthew said.

"Let's wait till Jiwoong Hyung gets here, let's ask him too," Gyuvin said and the rest nodded.

"Speaking of whom, he's been gone for a good while," Yujin said. And it dawned upon them, for someone who had only gone to help place a few boxes somewhere he was taking awfully long.

"They probably needed help unloading more, he's an adult. He wouldn't have run away," Hao says laughing a little, it was kind of weird how he was not back yet, but there is nothing that could have happened really.

The members were all basically kids, so waiting was something they had no patience for. Yujin and Gyuvin started a game of Rock paper scissors.

"Gyuvin Hyung you really suck at this game," Yujin said teasing him. "Yah you're just good at it," Gyuvin argued back.

"I'm 90% sure I could beat Yujin," Gunwook said with pride.

And just like that a championship for rock paper scissors was established. Even Hanbin and Hao joined in.

"We go in pairs and then the winners and losers fight against each other!" Yujin announced.

"What's the reward for the winner?" Taerae asked.

"No chores for a month!" Yujin exclaimed. Hanbin shook his head "No exceptions, it's basically Jiwoong Hyung doing all of it for us. We have to do the bare minimum that we are currently," Matthew nodded in agreement.

"How about refereeing for the basketball match?" Hao suggested.

"That's a punishment. That's for the person in the last place," Ricky argued. Hao just sighed dejectedly and nodded. He was pretty sure he would end up with it.

"Veto over lunch menu for a week?" Gunwook suggested. Everyone eventually agreed to it (with exceptions such as not ordering the same thing every day because the kids are menaces).

They split the initial pairs based on age. So it was Hao vs Hanbin, Gyuvin vs Ricky, Gunwook vs Yujin, and Taerae vs Matthew.

Much to everyone's expectations, Taerae, Gyuvin, and Hao lost. The match between Gunwook and Yujin however seemed endless. It was a pattern of the same signs again and again.

"Oh my god I'm about to lose my mind," Gunwook groaned as he saw that both he and Yujin had put out a paper.

Taerae on the other hand was dying laughing. It was so comedic how each and every time the two maknaes ended up throwing the same signs.

"Guys, should we call Jiwoong Hyung?" Ricky said looking at his watch. The absence of Jiwoong was not only very obvious but also very concerning. It was absurd how long he was taking.

Hanbin nodded to Ricky's question. The boy immediately whipped out his phone and pressed on to Jiwoong's contact.

A couple of rings passed by, usually Jiwoong was quick to answer his phone. Ricky almost ended the call, but he saw the call getting picked up.

"Where are you?" he asked.

No answer. Weird.

"Hyung?" He called out.

He then heard a sound that broke his heart.

He heard a sob from the other line. He immediately panicked.

" Kim Jiwoong?" he slightly yelled, dropping the honorifics. This immediately alerted the rest. Hanbin looked at Ricky, who was still very confused. He once again heard a shaky breath from the other line. Ricky was highly worried.

"What's wrong?" Matthew asked Ricky, who was too busy thinking of what the fuck made Jiwoong cry.

Ricky switches the phone to put it on speaker.

"Hyung?" he calls out to him again, this time the sob was louder.

"What is that?" Gunwook asked, he knew what it was. A sound of someone crying, but they weren't sure, and at that point, he was ready to give Jiwoong the benefit of doubt. Jiwoong wasn't saying anything and the boys couldn't figure out what exactly had happened.

"Can you hear us?" Ricky asked him. This time he got a small yes for an answer, thankful that he did.

"Are you okay?" Matthew asks.

No reply.

"That's a no then," he muttered, worry lacing those words completely. The rest stayed silent, although completely panicked inside, they knew that showing that would only worsen whatever Jiwoong was feeling then.

They were all stumped. They really didn't know what to do. They didn't even know where Jiwoong was or why he was upset. All they knew was that he was scared.

"Where are you?" Ricky repeated again. There was no certainty that he would reply, but there was no way they could give up trying.

"S-stuck," Jiwoong pipped out. His breathing was getting louder as time went by, it was very alarming. Yujin too was getting more and more restless. I mean, how could he not? How could anyone not?

Hanbin stepped out of the room, he frantically searched for their manager. He looked at the usual places, but to his luck, he was nowhere to be found. It then dawned on him that he was currently at some meeting for staffs, the weekly one to just discuss the week's planning. So Hanbin decided to call him, he wouldn't do so unless it was completely necessary, but Jiwoong crying and alone felt like the worst thing ever, the end of the world. Dramatic? Yes, but it really did.

Within a few rings, the manager picked up.

"Hanbin-ah You know I'm in a meeting," He said with a tinge of annoyance in his voice.

"I know hyung but it's an emergency, Jiwoong is stuck somewhere. He seems scared, he isn't responding very well on call," Hanbin said, he wanted to sound calm and collected, but all he came off as was panicked.

He was met with a small silence. "Where are you all?" the Manager asked.

"Dance room B floor 6," Hanbin said.

Once he ended the call, he turned back to the dance room. He felt like the room was the same he had left with, if anything it felt worse. He looked at Hao, hoping he would fill him in. Which he did.

"The elevator got stuck, and the lights went out too," Hao said as Hanbin was eyeing Ricky who was speaking into the phone, which was no longer in speaker. "The kids were getting very agitated, I'm afraid Gunwook and Matthew would go break open all the elevators soon," he continued. Hanbin wasn't even sure if it was supposed to be a joke or not, because everyone looked dead serious, joking didn't really seem possible.

Soon, the manager walks through the door. He looks worried as well, but he tries to wear his usual professional façade.

"Did you find anything?" he asks no one in particular.

"The middle elevator," Ricky says, his voice sounding very mellow and comforting. Probably because he was trying to calm Jiwoong down. But it wasn't working, and to Ricky, it was getting harder to remain calm. It worried him to no end hearing Jiwoong sob and tell him that he was scared and terrified. He hoped that as time passed he would calm down a bit. But it became clear to him that it was only getting worse.

"I called in maintenance, they're checking it out right now. We can go there," he says. All the members immediately perk up. Unanimously they all wanted to go, they wanted to be as close to Jiwoong as they could.

In the background you could hear Ricky gently assure Jiwoong through the phone, telling him sweet nothings, letting him know they were coming. It didn't seem like he was getting much of a response back.

Ricky felt his panic start leaving him, he could no longer contain it and act okay to Jiwoong. He knew somehow Jiwoong too was sensing that, he heard him cry out louder.

"It's too dark," He cries again. Ricky tried asking him to switch on his phone's flashlight but seems like he was too scared to even operate the phone. Hanbin tried talking to Jiwoong too but to no avail. They were all stuck getting Jiwoong to calm down.

Thankfully the mechanics were fast working. Every screw they unscrewed, every wire they examined, every button they pushed, all 8 of them felt like they were losing a few years of their life. Genuinely, why was an elevator at such a company not even functioning, why did it not have emergency systems in place? Gyuvin felt himself get more and more enraged. But he couldn't really do are say anything then. He got a hold of Ricky's phone trying to talk to Jiwoong, who was still not in even a remotely okay place.

"It should be working now," one of the men said.

When they heard that, the members ran to the middle elevator, waiting for it to open. I swear they all looked like they were going to break that door down. They breathed a sigh of relief when they saw the floors move up. They could all swear it was the longest 30 seconds of their lives. And when the elevator dinged, their adrenaline spiked.

Once the door opened, they saw Jiwoong curled in a corner. His head was between his knees hands covering his face. Honestly, they all wanted to rush in. But looking at how he was shaking, they didn't want to startle him. Yujin pushed through the older boys and went towards Jiwoong. He didn't go and invade his space. He crouched down next to him, letting him know of his presence. But it seemed it didn't do much to help him.

The elevator kept trying to close, but they held it open. Deeming it to be dangerous Hanbin whispered to the rest "We should try get him out,"

Ricky walked towards Jiwoong. Much like Yujin he crouched down, except he was much closer to Jiwoong, settling down in front of him. He slowly placed his hand on Jiwoong's knees. Slightly surprised at the touch he looks up. Ricky gives him a small smile. Jiwoong exhales a shaky breath. Ricky opens his arms a little, inviting Jiwoong into his embrace, which he gladly accepts. He lets out a muffled sob.

Ricky hooks his arms under Jiwoong's thighs, slowly lifting him up. Yujin helps Ricky stand up, making sure he doesn't stumble. They then slowly exit the damned elevator. Yujin picks up Jiwoong's phone, which was on the ground. The elevator then closes behind them.

Jiwoong's face was completely hidden by Ricky's body. His body was heaving up and down, giving it away that he was crying. But no one cared to comment on it. They all knew he was scared of the very place he was just in. Hanbin bent down trying to get into Jiwoong's vision, but failed. Ricky kept patting Jiwoong's back, he didn't really think about it. It was an instinct.

Taerae opened the door to the dance room, making way for everyone to get in. Ricky rushed in, he wasn't struggling yet but he was sure he would in a bit. So he walked towards the few sofas placed in the room. He placed Jiwoong on the seats, he sat right next to him. A) because Jiwoong's grip on him was pretty tight and B) because he didn't want to be away. The rest of the members filled in right after, surrounding Jiwoong but still giving him enough space.

Gyuvin wordlessly handed him a bottle, which he thankfully took.

Jiwoong was calmer than before, he had stopped being unreachable the moment they had gotten out of the elevator. Seemed like he was relieved to be out of there. The boys knew he had some trauma linked to his fear, but they never asked him to talk about it. He would tell them on his own terms. But they wished he had already told them, because now all they could do was physically distract him, but they didn't know if it was working. They didn't know what would trigger him. They didn't know why he shut down in the dark.

 

They truly didn't know anything then.

And it broke them.

That they couldn't help him then.

But no matter how much it'd beat them, all they could do was wait. And hope.

And so they did.

Wait.

Hope.

 

........

Jiwoong passed out laying on Ricky's shoulder shortly after. The boys all calmed down a bit. The manager had a whole afternoon of complaints from them about the technicality here being absolute bull crap. He decided not to get annoyed because quite frankly he too was annoyed.

They decided to call it a day, mostly because they didn't want to disturb the sleeping Jiwoong. The oldest was once again carried from the company to the dorms. He wasn't the lightest person to carry, but they didn't have the mind to wake him up. The boy wouldn't hear the end of this, not telling him how terrified he actually was. But for now, all they cared about was that he was okay.

He had slept through lunch, so the boys stocked up on all of his favorite foods for when he did wake up. It was an excruciating few hours and the boys waited patiently nonetheless.

When a half-awake Jiwoong walked into the living room, everyone perked up. He walked in rubbing his eyes, that were more swollen and redder than usual, thanks to the crying. He took a random seat on one of the chairs, still trying to wake himself up completely. The sight of him was adorable, in an oversized hoodie, nose, and eyes flushed red. He looked so adorable. It was hard not to coo at him. Even Yujin agreed that at that moment, he looked so adorable.

Gunwook who was sitting the closest to Jiwoong fluffed his hair. Jiwoong grumbled some inaudible words. Now they just couldn't contain their adoration. Matthew had already pulled out his phone to photograph him.

Hanbin too was looking at Jiwoong, admiring him. But suddenly he snapped out of it.

There were some things unspoken and he wished to get it out of the way as soon as possible.

"Hyung?" He called out. Jiwoong looked up at him. Honestly, the older was very embarrassed about everything that happened. He never wished that his members would ever see him like that. Crying is one thing, but full-on breaking down sobbing is way different. But he couldn't run away from it forever.

"Context?" he asked in his no-nonsense leader voice.

"It's nothing specific, as exasperating as it is to admit. It's just memories. Of the power outs, punishments sometimes. It's just all of that comes and it's hard to deal with all of it. It exhausting to even remember," he said. He was sure he would regret being so transparent later on, but hey the damage was done.

"It doesn't have to be something specific, but it's still affecting you. We all were worried sick," Hao says. Jiwoong puts his head down feeling a little more guilty. Ricky reads this and sighs.

"We just want you to be okay yeah? Today was unfortunate, but it may happen again in multiple other ways. So just promise us you will let us help you and work on it," he says. All they all wished for is to help Jiwoong and they wanted him to see it. They hoped he did.

And he did.

He really did.

It was just hard for him to believe he has people to fall back on, failure after failure really conditioned him to think nothing ever lasts. But he needed to trust them. To succeed, to be able to be better. He needed to love them, which he did. But he also needed to let them love him and nourish him. They were there for him. He needed to learn that.

And he eventually would. He knew so and they hoped so.

But for now, they gave him a big hug. They all ate a big meal. Had a warm night, filled with hugs, promises and stories.

This is how it was.

And this is how it would be.

Notes:

I just love Jiwoong so much. Please. Take care of him yall.