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Mori Ougai was a man who was rarely surprised.
He was smart, cunning and knew how to get what he wanted but right here, right now he was thoroughly hoodwinked. Bamboozled. Scammed.
He was supposed to have gained two new pieces on his board instead he lost both.
'Mori-san,
My family said I can't join the Mafia. Sorry.
-Dazai.
P.S they also said that I shouldn't manipulate other children into joining so they decided to adopt Chuuya.'
That was all he was left with. An incredulous chuckle escaped his mouth at the absurdity of the situation.
.....
Much like Mori, Dazai was not having a good time.
After his punishment with those rabid hell hounds that had viciously tried to attack him and maul him to death, he was forced to actually learn to swim. A pointless skill when he much preferred drowning.
Anyway it had now been a week and he was not allowed to do anything alone. He went to the bathroom, someone accompanied him. He took a shower, someone was waiting outside the door.
One night he went out for a midnight stroll. There was a search party.
The worst part of it is Chuuya seems to be having the time of his life watching him be smothered and treated like a misbehaving child.
So irritating that annoying, little, itty bitty, kinda pretty, definitely hot.... Wait what was he saying again. Gah! See that's the problem when it comes to Chuuya his thoughts get all jumbled and it's all that slug's fault. It's all his fault for his bright red hair that is just tacky with how much it stands out and is so shiny and looks so soft. And then there's his stupidly blue eyes, who has eyes that blue? It's like he decided that he would go that extra mile just to make sure his eyes were prettier and sparkled brighter than the Yokohama ocean on a sunny day. Then there was his ridiculous freckles. Who gave him the right to look so adorable with those freckles? Ridiculous, completely and utterly ridiculous that such a small, stupid chibi consumed his thoughts to this extent.
See and that's just his appearance, Dazai hasn't even started on all the reasons he hates Chuuya's personality. His stupid loudness and brashness. His stubborn and unwavering loyalty, it's was horrible having such a gross slobbering dog near him all day.
And the worst part is that the agency only had one extra apartment so now they're roommates.
Dazai’s life officially sucks.
He didn’t think it could get any worse… and then it did.
Oh. More consequences for his actions.
Hasn’t he suffered enough!?
“Dazai-kun, Chuuya-kun, would you like to reconsider your decision not to leave the mafia?”
Stupid, slimy, really needs to wash his hair Mori.
How did this asshole be a Mafia Boss, who let that happen… oh wait. Damn it! Why do actions have consequences?!
Currently him and Chuuya were tied up, their hands touching so Chuuya couldn’t use his ability, and were enjoying a nice visit to the Port Mafia’s dungeon. Honestly, if Dazai could take a vacation anywhere in the world it would totally be to this dungeon, he 10 out of 10 would recommend to a friend.
Alright, even his usual sarcasm isn’t making this situation any note entertaining.
This is so gross, not only is he sitting on some floor where he can very clearly see the dried blood no one bothered to clean up (probably to make the dungeon look more intimidating) which was also concrete so was super uncomfortable to sit on, but he also has to be touching Chuuya.
Gross. Disgusting.
Why should he have to go through this torture?
And Chuuya’s skin was warm… and soft… wait what was he saying again?
Oh right. The Mafia Boss in front of him.
“You technically never actually invited me to join the Mafia,” Chuuya grumbled behind him. Dazai couldn’t help but nod at that, the Agency had interrupted what was supposed to be his invitation.
“Mori-san… did you not get my letter, my family already said no,”
“I wasn’t aware you had any family left, Dazai-kun,”
Oh so Mori will just choose to ignore Chuuya’s absolutely valid point.
Dazai rolled his eyes.
“Right, you made sure of that when you asked me to help you assassinate dear old dad of mine,” Dazai drawled out, his voice sounding bored and very fed up, which wasn’t even a mask. He was so done right now.
“You what-!”
“Not now, Chibi,” Dazai sighed. “We’ll have time to go over my tragic backstory later, it’s not important anyway,”
“No no no, I feel like the whole assassinating your father thing is pretty important,” Chuuya instantly refuted.
Dazai just shrugged. It wasn’t like he was a good father anyway.
“Chuuya-kun, we found a file amongst Rimbaud’s things, unfortunately it’s executive level and above but I’m sure it’s something you’d find-“
“Sorry, not interested,” Chuuya bluntly declined, not even letting Mori finish. “Ranpo already detected my whole past so I’m honestly over it,”
“Huh- ah… I see…” Mori blinked, confused at how what he probably thought was his trump card was instantly rejected.
“Ranpo-nii really is amazing,” Dazai hummed showing his awe. He felt that the first time they met too and it was what lead to him showing up constantly around the Master Detective after all.
Ranpo was one of the few people Dazai genuinely looked up to. The other two being Fukuzawa and Akiko-nee, his whole family was amazing.
Dazai felt pride well up inside him and a sudden rush of warmth at the thought of his family. It was still new to Dazai but he didn’t hate the overwhelming affection he felt for them.
“Ne, Mori-san,” Dazai said bringing the Boss’ attention over to him. “I’d give you another ten minutes before my family burst through that door so if you still want to say anything else then now’s your chance,”
“Akiko was looking for an opportunity to use that new chainsaw of hers,” Chuuya reflected on how she had been so excited at her new chainsaw. It was officially known as the Maximum Healer 3000, or just Max as they had taken to calling it.
“Akiko… as in Yosano Akiko?” Mori frowned. Recognition flashing across his face, then he smiled, a sick disgusting smile. “I look forwards to seeing her again,”
Ew. Dazai scrunched up his face. He was aware of Mori’s past with his big sister and he was not happy.
“I’m sure she shares that sentiment, Akiko-nee really can’t wait to use that chainsaw,” Dazai smiled, a genuine smile, at the thought of how happy Akiko would be to try out Max on Mori.
“So the two of you joined the Armed Detective Agency,” Mori sighed. “That’s certainly disappointing but unlike before when I fought Fukuzawa over Akiko I now have the entire Mafia at my disposal,”
“5 minutes, Mori-san,” Dazai reminded him.
“I doubt even Fukuzawa will be able to break into the Mafia Headquarters,”
“Don’t underestimate them when it comes to the Mackerel’s safety,” Chuuya sounded traumatised.
“Yes, they’ve become very protective just because I disappeared for a year and tried to join the Mafia, honestly talk about an overreaction,”
“I’d say that’s a perfectly reasonable reaction,”
“No one asked you stupid Slug,”
“Boys, please,” Mori sighed. “Is all you ever do argue?”
“Pretty much,” Dazai said at the same time Chuuya said, “Yeah,”
Mori officially looked like he regretted all his life choices.
Heh. Suffer the consequences of kidnapping two teenaged boys, one with anger issues and the other with a death wish. Stupid Mori.
“You know what… having the two of you in the Mafia isn’t worth this,” Mori pulled out a scalpel and was about to cut the ropes when the door crashed open.
Really. He gave up easily. They weren’t even as bad as they could be. Honestly this was just the surface level to the amount of chaos Dazai and Chuuya could cause and how well they could drain the will to live out of a person.
“Time’s up~” Dazai sang.
“Oi, look who it is!” An ecstatic looking Akiko-nee entered the dungeon, revving her chainsaw. “Look Max, doesn’t he look like he could do with some healing,”
“Mori-sensei, please release those boys, they are under my care,” Fukuzawa calmly walked in after Akiko.
“Ah, Fukuzawa,” Mori nodded in greeting. “I was just about to return them, I value my peace and sanity too much to want them in the Mafia anymore,”
“That’s understandable,” Fukuzawa nodded. Dazai huffed as Chuuya squawked indignant at that response.
The two men had somehow seemed to come to some sort of understanding over Dazai and Chuuya. Rude!
“It’s not my fault this bastard can’t keep his mouth shut for 5 seconds,”
“Like Chuuya is any better, always so loud. My ears might explode if you don’t lower your volume,”
“At least I’m capable of saying things other than bullshit,”
“As if your Chibi brain can come up with any thing worth listening to,”
“Getting along as well as ever I see,” came a chipper voice.
“Like hell we are!” Chuuya screeches almost drowned out Dazai’s, “You know that’s not the case Ranpo-nii,”
“We’ll be taking them home then,” Fukuzawa sheathed his sword and made his way over to Dazai and Chuuya who totally weren’t sitting there sulking. Not at all.
Dazai didn’t sulk. Chuuya might be because he’s a dumb dwarf but Dazai was too evolved for sulking. He was a genius.
“If you both stop sulking we can stop for ice cream in the way home,” Fukuzawa sighed fondly.
“Really! With three scoops!” Dazai smiled excitedly. He wasn’t easily bribed, he just really liked ice cream and cake, and anything sweet really.
“Can we get any toppings we want?” Chuuya’s just as eager voice asked.
“Should I have just offered them ice cream in exchange for joining the Mafia,” Mori mumbled.
Dazai suddenly paused. The Mafia makes a lot of money right. Imagine all the sweets he could-
“That’s enough of those thoughts,” Ranpo flicked him on the forehead.
“I wasn’t-“
“Let’s not even pretend,” Ranpo laughed at his attempt to convince him he wasn’t about to almost join the Mafia for a second time just at the prospect of lots of sweets and cake and ice cream.
“Well, thanks for having us Mori-san, it was a pleasure,” Dazai thanked the man, since he was responsible for getting them ice cream to recover from this traumatic experience that being kidnapped by the Mafia must be for normal people.
It’s not his fault him and Chuuya weren’t normal.
“Shame… I was really hoping to use Max this time,” Akiko-nee’s shoulders slumped as she left feeling disappointed. Dazai simply gave her a sympathetic pat on the back. He understood the disappointment of not being able to harm Mori.
In the end the ice cream was very enjoyable and Mori ended up having to hire a therapist to cope with the after effects of dealing with Dazai and Chuuya who were still just Dazai and Chuuya and had yet to become the most feared duo.
But that will happen in the future. For now Dazai got to experience the positive consequences of being loved and Mori had to deal with the negative consequences of too much Dazai and Chuuya exposure.
Maybe Dazai’s life didn’t suck as much as he thought.
“You bastard!”
Chuuya burst out the bathroom in all his short glory. He was fuming, as usual.
“What did I tell you about cleaning up after yourself! It’s gross enough that I have to share a dorm with I don’t want to have to clean up after you too!”
“So violent,” Dazai whined as Chuuya shook him like the brute he was. This close up Dazai could practically count the cute freckles dusting Chuuya’s face-
Never mind his life sucks.
….
Extra.
“How did you two get kidnapped anyway?” Akiko asked on the way home.
Ranpo gave his usual knowing smile and Fukuzawa looked over at them also curious.
“I accidentally dropped the sleeping powder I had planning on using in a prank later on our way to work, the Mafia must of found us passed out in the streets and taken the opportunity,” Dazai answered honestly.
“That’s the stupidest way I’ve ever ever heard anyone get kidnapped before,” was the response he received.
“It was all this stupid fish face’s fault as always,”
“It’s not my fault your too short to understand the beauty of pranks,”
“How does that have anything to do with my height!”
And thus they bickered some more.