Chapter Text
Colin is seventeen when he makes a choice that changes his life.
Years later, he watched a science program on string theory in his crappy dorm at the University of West England, and he could see the directions of his decision forever fractured in time and space on the television screen. (this vision was probably just the bad weed his boyfriend at the time scored). The imagery of fractured life path would follow him for years.
It was a reasonably regular Tuesday. Colin was sitting on the Llantwit Major beach, nearly alone except for a few stray hikers. It was cold that day, with a biting chill from the autumn air making him shutter. He had run down to the beach after training which was not the reaction the scout had expected after delivering the news that Cardiff wanted him.
Colin had given him a charming smile and said he needed to run to tell his mum and tad. He could feel the panic creeping in the back of his neck as he was handed what had been his dream since he was small.
This wasn’t what it was supposed to feel like having your dream come true. He was supposed to feel light and not like the world was squeezing him into a box he couldn’t escape.
So he ran past his primary school, the bar his tad worked at, and the house where his mum had probably just finished tea and was waiting for him. He ran until he reached the pebble-shelled beach, and the sound of waves centered his racing thoughts.
He was using the rocks that lined the beach to weigh down the manila folder with the contract. Part of him hoped the wind would steal it and take the choice away. He knows why he ended up at this spot. Colin had his only kiss that mattered partially waded into the water the summer before last.
His name had been Jack, and he had been summer help in town. It had been relatively chaste, all things considered, but Colin had felt whole at that moment like nothing could knock him down (until the ocean had, in fact, done so, but that had only led to more kisses).
Professional football meant that boy had to stay locked away a bit longer. It meant that only his sister, Elen, could know about everything he was as a person. His offer from Cardiff had come so late that he had weeks to daydream about leaving Wales for a little and exploring every inch of himself without prying eyes or judgment of the little town he had spent his whole life in. (Even if that place would, unfortunately, be England based on the single university he got accepted to).
Football or the freedom to live as he wanted with no apologies.
He should be able to have both, and he feels angry that it’s not possible to see a way that he can from where he is sitting on the beach. Maybe he should give it a go; things could change in the professional leagues.
The vicar in his town recently came out; maybe football players were close behind? (His parents were only mildly bewildered at this development which gives Colin hope for his future).
He can feel the ache deep inside himself already, and Colin is afraid of what that ache could turn into unchecked.
Colin stands and holds the contract in his hands. It's stiff and heavy. Colin can see a future where he’s got enough money for a fancy sports car (even though he’s a shit driver) and a big house where he’d have to live all alone.
When he tells this story at twenty-nine, he describes throwing the folder in a perfect arc into the sea. (His family often rolls their eyes at this version) In reality, it had landed against the rocks, and he had gone to retrieve it and placed it recycling bin on his run back through town. The part he kept quiet to himself all these years is that every step toward home felt new at that moment. Colin was sure he was flying toward a future he had never dared dream of.