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When Yujin is eight, his father takes him to an aquarium in central Seoul. He remembers how huge it was, the miles and miles of dark tunnels lit with fluorescents and thousands of colourful fish and the water surrounding him absolutely everywhere. He truly felt like he was deep in the middle of the ocean.
His father indulges him for a moment, allowing him to spin around in an awed circle, before leading him to the first exhibit with a firm hand on his shoulder. Yujin's cousin, Haeun, is here with them. She’s four years older than him and on his mother’s side of the family, so Yujin doesn’t see her much. That's why his mom isn't here with them — she's catching up with her sister, Yujin's aunt. Wooseok isn't here with them either, though Yujin is grateful for it. He's rapidly approaching the age of finding his baby brother decidedly uncool.
The first exhibit turns out to be the amphibian zone. He escapes from his father’s grip and jogs right past the tanks here, ignoring his father’s calls behind him. He’ll follow Yujin anyway. Yujin doesn’t want to see frogs, he wants to see sharks. They’re so much more interesting.
He makes a beeline for the shark tunnel up ahead, dodging the other families milling around. Once he’s securely in the middle of the tunnel he comes to a stop, winded but triumphant. His father catches up with him quickly, followed by Haeun tagging along behind. She looks annoyed but Yujin doesn’t really care.
“Don’t go running off again,” his father warns him, also sounding winded.
Yujin bounces on the balls of his feet. “I just wanted to see the sharks first.”
His father purses his lips at him, clearly not pleased with this excuse, but drops it. Yujin sidles closer to the glass, watching the sharks swim around in lazy circles. They’re smaller than they look in movies but no less impressive. Last month, he’d curled up with his friend Seojun on his couch to watch a movie together and they’d cheered in delight whenever the onscreen shark’s teeth tore through the characters. Yujin can’t wait to tell Seojun about this; he bets he’ll be jealous.
“So cool,” Yujin exclaims, hands pressed against the barrier.
His father hums in acknowledgement, drifting closer to the display board. “What do you think, Haeun?”
“It’s inhumane,” Haeun snaps. Yujin can see how her face grows redder as she speaks, even in her reflection, and he watches in fascination. “They shouldn’t be here, they should be swimming free out in the ocean. Not…not trapped like they are now with all these people watching them! It’s not right.”
"That's one way of looking at it," his father says mildly, not fully paying attention. He's reading the information on the board, head bowed. "Do you like animals, Haeun?"
"I love them." She sticks her chin out stubbornly. "I'm a vegetarian."
It's a long word. Yujin has to sound it out in his head, one syllable after the other. Veg-et-ari-an.
"I see," his father says, chuckling. "Let me know how long that lasts, eh?"
Haeun opens her mouth to reply but, as if sensing the conversation topic, one of the tiger sharks swims right at the glass. Its nose bumps against it loudly, a hollow sound, and Yujin jumps back from where he’d been standing pressed against the glass. Their eyes lock before the shark turns tail, disappearing into the void.
He doesn't know why that's a core memory of his. These days, he barely remembers anything from before the age of twelve. His memory is terrible. But this one, with the water boxing them in and Haeun's voice ringing out and the mean, deadened eyes of the shark, always survives any cull.
It’s only fitting for him to project right into it.
Now, he frequently wonders if he’s exactly like those sharks Haeun was advocating for, repeatedly circling a cage for an escape he’ll never find.
When Yujin is fourteen, he meets Zhang Hao for the first time. Yujin is on a different training schedule to most of the other trainees here due to his age and needing to fit his training around his school responsibilities (his parents' demand, not his), so this is the first time he's meeting the Chinese batch of Yuehua trainees.
He's heard good things about them from the Korean trainees, praises of both their talent and looks, so he's excited to verify if those claims are true. He's nervous as well, eager to make a lasting impression. It's not out of the question that they'll look Yujin up and down and ask him what he's so good at. He's practised extra hard today for that reason, checking and double-checking that his lines are correct and there's the right amount of power in his movements.
The first thing Yujin notices about Zhang Hao is his looks. He's handsome in that classical sort of way, straight brows and a piercing gaze and a strong nose. Yujin is quickly becoming well-versed in the different types of handsomeness that exist. He has to learn, he thinks, to scope out his competition. Yujin is still more cute than handsome but he has faith he’ll get there one day. He wouldn’t mind looking like Zhang Hao, though he knows it won’t happen. His features are too soft for that. A Gyuvin-esque face is probably on the cards for him, which he doesn’t mind either. Not that he’ll ever say that to Gyuvin — he doesn’t need the ego boost.
Zhang Hao is clearly much older than Yujin, a full-grown adult while Yujin is still trying to remember how to neatly fit himself into his own, puberty-stricken body. He regards Yujin like he's a child too, though it's not condescending or anything like that. Just objective.
"Hi," Zhang Hao greets, bowing from his waist. He smiles unsurely and it transforms his whole face into something a lot more approachable. Something kinder.
"Hi," Yujin breathes, slightly awestruck.
And it starts from there.
When Yujin is fifteen, he meets Hanbin for the first time. A proper meeting, not a cursory acknowledgement in a cavernous room that still somehow feels suffocating. It could have gone a little less embarrassing, as far as first meetings go.
"Woah!" Hanbin exclaims when Yujin trips into him, hands flying up to steady Yujin. Yujin, at least, doesn’t go falling to the floor but his tray does, and it makes sure to take a quick detour down Hanbin’s front. He watches it in slow-motion, mortified at the food splattering across the both of them and the loud clatter of the tray against the floor. That grabs the attention of at least half of the dining hall.
Yujin really, really wants to crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out.
He makes an odd squeaking sound, helpless to do anything but stare at the orange stain spreading across Hanbin’s crisp white shirt. “I’m so sorry!”
Hanbin, to his credit, appears largely unfazed.
"Don't worry about it," he says easily, offering him a chipper smile. "Happens to the best of us."
He takes a wad of napkins from the stack on the side and starts patting himself down, then crouches down to the floor so he can start cleaning that too. That spurs Yujin into action.
"Oh, please don't…" Yujin mumbles, trailing off. God, he wanted to make a good first impression. He grabs another wad of napkins and crouches down, following Hanbin's lead in gathering the food remnants up.
Hanbin grins at him once they're level. "I'm Hanbin, by the way. Sung Hanbin."
I know, Yujin wants to say, but doesn't. He dips his head in an affectation of a bow, gaze briefly landing on the grains of rice on his shoes. "Han Yujin. From Yuehua."
He realises it sounds lame the second it leaves his mouth. No one else introduces themselves to a fellow trainee with their company right off the bat — or if they do, he hasn’t heard it — but Hanbin is polite enough to nod enthusiastically.
"Right, I remember! The Kick It teams. Your dancing was incredible." Yujin thinks that Hanbin is just complimenting the Yuehua group’s dancing as a whole until he goes on to say, “Especially for someone so young.”
Yujin blinks, shocked. He knows that he’s not a bad dancer, not at all, but hearing it from the undisputed top trainee here ignites a different kind of buzz.
“Thank you,” he mutters, awkwardly scratching the nape of his neck. His mother, and later the Yuehua dance trainer, always told him he has a habit of shrinking into himself when he’s complimented. Yujin’s never quite been able to rid himself of it, especially when he can tell the compliment is meant sincerely. He tacks on a belated, “Um, you too.”
Hanbin laughs heartily, face creasing. “I’m not that young anymore, fortunately. But thank you."
2001, his brain supplies. He has no idea how he knows that. One year younger than Zhang Hao. He doesn’t know why his brain throws that out either.
"But still a great dancer," Yujin says with emphasis, needing Hanbin to know he's being genuine.
Hanbin's smile gains a teasing edge. "Despite my old and creaky bones?"
Yujin is saved from coming up with a passable response to that by the arrival of Hanbin's friend, who looms over Hanbin with a shit-eating grin on his face. Hanbin looks up at the shadow being cast over him, still smiling, and his friend — Matthew, he's pretty sure — tuts at him playfully. "Your fault?"
Yujin rushes to his defence. "It was mine, actually. I tripped."
Hanbin looks at him, smile tempering into dry amusement. Yujin realises Hanbin is a pretty kind of handsome, which makes sense in Yujin’s head and nowhere else.
Matthew smiles at him and nods his head sagely. "It happens, it happens. I just came to get hyung because we said we would talk. And lunch is almost over, you know."
Matthew speaks with an obvious accent, words tumbling over each other in their haste to get free. It's different from how the Chinese Yuehua trainees speak, words slow and measured like they're slotting puzzle pieces into place.
“I didn’t forget,” Hanbin promises. “Just give me a moment.”
Together, they finish gathering up the food and toss the soiled napkins in the bin to the side. Matthew even joins in, which embarrasses Yujin further. This really isn’t helping his aim of being taken seriously. God knows what they think of him.
In his embarrassment, his gaze drifts over Hanbin’s shoulder to where he’d been heading. The other Yuehua trainees are all congregated around the table at the back of the hall, heads bent together and laughing about something. Apart from Zhang Hao, who’s watching the three of them clean up with an unreadable expression on his face. There's not much point in saying that; to Yujin, Zhang Hao is always unreadable.
Their eyes meet and Zhang Hao blinks, then smiles at Yujin and looks away. Matthew coughs.
"It was nice meeting you," Hanbin declares. Which is very gracious of him as he's the one with a huge stain on the front of his shirt. "Make sure to get another tray, there's still time to eat!"
"I will," Yujin says obediently, and Matthew nods at him. They take their leave, Hanbin's shoulder brushing past him as he goes. Yujin stares after him, feeling weirdly bereft.
And it starts from there.
When Yujin is sixteen, he debuts. That’s it: life goal achieved at the ripe old age of sixteen. What does he do with the rest of it now?
What he does is find out that two of his favourite people are in a relationship, apparently. He’s not even surprised when he walks in on them kissing.
All he says is a quiet, "Oh."
They both startle and jump apart, faces wearing identical guilty expressions as they turn to look at him. It’s immediately apparent to him that this isn’t a tentative first kiss. Hanbin’s shirt is rumpled from where Zhang Hao was gripping it and they’re both breathing heavily, mouths swollen. No, this is a make-out session.
Zhang Hao hurriedly wipes his mouth with his hand, blinking at Yujin like he has all the answers. Yujin begins to pull the bathroom door shut again and return everything back to how it was: Zhang Hao and Hanbin wrapped up in each other, Yujin unknowingly locked away from them.
That panics Hanbin into speaking up. “Yujin, wait—”
Yujin waits.
Hanbin turns to Zhang Hao, clearly at a loss, and they stare at each other. They always do that, holding entire conversations with only their eyes. They don’t even try to hide it, to the point that the staff have picked up on it.
Yujin is reminded of one incident right before their debut. They were shooting for a magazine spread outdoors and it was the peak of summer, air muggy and stifling. It itched at Yujin and he paced restlessly even in the shade, where a temporary marquee was erected for them and the staff. He'd been adjacent to the doorway, watching Hanbin watch Zhang Hao run through his poses, when their manager Eunji turned up with a host of chilled drinks to choose from.
She headed for Hanbin standing alone at the border of the meadow first, bags banging against her legs. They spoke and Eunji fished through one of the bags, pulling out some grapefruit concoction Yujin tried once and never again. She handed the bottle to Hanbin and he accepted it, his other hand automatically held out palm-up for a second one. Then he froze, laughing at himself before leaning his body around Eunji and waving an arm to get Zhang Hao's attention.
Zhang Hao was looking at the shots on the camera with the photographer, nodding along to whatever he was instructing Zhang Hao to do. He looked up at Hanbin's wave, hand coming up to shield his eyes from the sun. Yujin was watching the whole time, which is how he knows that Hanbin didn’t shout or mouth a question. All he did was hold up his own bottle as an indicator.
Zhang Hao didn't nod or shake his head or furrow his brow. They just locked eyes across the meadow, and then Zhang Hao smiled very imperceptibly, his face softening, and Hanbin turned away and said decisively to Eunji, “He wants cola.”
He said it loud enough to carry over to Yujin and Yujin glanced over to Zhang Hao, wondering if he heard it too. But of course there was no need for him to even hear it, not when he was sneakily watching Eunji hand a bottle of zero cola over to Hanbin. Yujin caught that too, how Zhang Hao bit his bottom lip to stop his smile from spreading and hurriedly looked back down to the camera.
How can you know someone that well, Yujin wondered to himself as he observed Eunji’s sigh and Hanbin’s nod of thanks. He couldn’t, he can’t, fathom someone knowing him that well.
A voice jolts him out of his thoughts.
“It’s okay if you’re upset,” Zhang Hao says gently, soothingly. “We understand this is probably a lot to take in.”
It’s the same tone he uses with Yujin after their monthly evaluations when Yujin is frustrated about a kick at an odd angle or a line being flubbed. A child in need of comfort.
"I'm not upset," Yujin protests. "I just…"
"And we're sorry you had to see that," Hanbin placates, as if Yujin hasn't spoken. He's using his leader voice and not his Hanbin voice, and that rankles Yujin more. "But Zhang Hao and I, we—"
"You could've told me," Yujin blurts out. "I wouldn't care. I don't care."
That gets them both to stop talking and they exchange glances, puzzled. Zhang Hao's mouth turns down at the same time his eyebrow quirks up, asking a question, and the twist of Hanbin's mouth is his answer. Yujin isn't a child anymore so he doesn't stomp his foot, but he comes close to it.
Hanbin's face is blank when he faces him. "It's a lot to ask of you, of anyone, to keep this a secret."
"I don't care," Yujin repeats. His shoulders slump. "It feels worse to know you kept this from me."
It comes out sounding way too personal, like this is a purposeful affront against Yujin himself. Zhang Hao frowns in concern.
Hanbin mirrors that frown a millisecond later. "You're just a kid, Yujin. It's not your burden to carry."
"It's a burden we can share," Yujin points out, a little snappishly. They blink at him, in sync once again.
He makes sure to close the door behind him when he leaves.
The thing is, Yujin isn't dumb. Far from it. At least not in the ways that actually count, the ways that mean something. He learned a long time ago that what he lacks in school studies, he more than makes up for in people studies.
It began when he was younger. One day, he had been watching his parents interact before school. There was nothing special about it: a dry kiss on the cheek, a promise to pick up a repaired watch after work. But Yujin had realised, very straightforwardly, that they actually didn't like each other very much and it sort of snowballed from there. After that, it was like a switch had been flipped; he couldn't stop.
He saw how his fifth-grade teacher would fidget whenever the assistant principal swung by to ask to borrow her stapler, how his deskmate Moonjo's fists would clench whenever someone talked about their mother in earshot of him.
He saw how Gyuvin's eyes would follow Sihyeon across the dining hall, how Yunseo’s heart was still broken over his first love from years ago.
He saw how Zhang Hao and Hanbin started to gravitate towards each other without thinking, as easy as breathing. How they each have a specific smile reserved only for the other. How Hanbin's eyes always seek out Zhang Hao first when he enters a room and vice versa. How Hanbin can't go five minutes without touching Zhang Hao, even if it's just a casual caress of his elbow. How Zhang Hao always, without fail, unconsciously relaxes into his touch like his body can't help it.
Yujin sees all of this and he burns in quiet envy. When he enters a room, his eyes always seek out them first.
His first port of call is the other members. It's half because he's curious if anyone else knows or if he's lucky enough to be the first. The other half is because he's avoiding both Zhang Hao and Hanbin, who keep trying to corner him either separately or together. To talk, they say. He's not sure what there is to talk about.
So: a distraction. He crosses most of the members off for one reason or another: Jiwoong would be too serious, Gyuvin wouldn't be serious enough, Gunwook would think he's joking, Matthew would think he's joking then get mad when he finds out Yujin isn't, and Taerae would…be supremely out of his depth.
He's left with Ricky, which makes sense. He figures Ricky probably does know; he can be pretty perceptive when he wants to be. Or if the perception fails him, there’s a chance Zhang Hao told him himself. Ricky seems to be the one Zhang Hao occasionally trusts with his secrets. Only occasionally, but it’s more secrets than Yujin is granted.
Ricky is sitting cross-legged on the floor when Yujin knocks, a brush in one hand and a tub of shoe polish cream placed by his legs. There’s at least five pairs of boots lined up in front of him in a row.
“Hey,” Ricky greets, back straightening. He grimaces at Yujin. “Don’t ask.”
“I won’t,” Yujin says dutifully, coming forward and plopping onto Gunwook’s bed. Ricky is applying the polish very vigorously, in Yujin's opinion. Yujin goes back on his promise a few seconds later. "Shouldn't you be doing this outside?"
"Nah," Ricky replies carelessly. "I mean, yes, but I can't be bothered to do that. I'll just clean up afterwards." Yujin wisely keeps his mouth shut about that claim. "If you're bored, watching me do this isn't gonna cure it."
"I'm not bored." He draws his knees up and rests his chin on top, folding into himself. "I came here to talk."
"That's ominous," Ricky says teasingly, not bothering to look up. Ricky has this perpetually chill outlook on life, which is something that Yujin appreciates most of the time. There are other times where he'd like Ricky to be a little less chill, please. "Am I in trouble? If this is about the dye stains in the bathroom—"
"It's not," Yujin interrupts. "It's about Hao-hyung and Hanbin-hyung."
Ricky doesn't say anything for a few moments, hands working. He holds the boot up to the light and squints as he examines it. "Ugh. Why does it still look dirty?"
"Hyung," Yujin prods him, seeing right through the façade.
Ricky’s head lowers, turning the boot this way and that. "What about them?"
Yujin throws him a glare, even though Ricky can't see it because he's still investigating that stupid boot. "Don't play dumb."
Ricky finally glances up at that, a sharpness in his gaze. Boom: chillness gone. Yujin is victorious. "No one is playing dumb here."
He's protective, Yujin realises. Protective of Zhang Hao's secret.
"So you do know," Yujin concludes bitterly. He’d wanted to be the first.
Ricky frowns questioningly. "Uh, I was under the impression that we all knew. Including you." He adds meaningfully, "We just don't talk about it."
Yujin ignores the hint. "Did Hao-hyung tell you about it?"
Ricky gives him one of his trademark are you serious? looks and snorts. "No. Have you met Zhang Hao? He's not exactly the type of person to come to you with his guy problems. Well, not problems but—"
"So he hasn't told you about it?" Yujin presses. "Has he told any of the other members, do you know? Has Hanbin-hyung?” Ricky’s gaze on him shifts into something considerably more weighty, more…contemplative. Yujin forgot that he, too, would be perceived by Ricky. He feels the need to defend himself. "I'm just wondering. No one ever lets me know about these things."
"You're the baby," Ricky says in English, and Yujin presses his lips together in irritation. Ricky catches it, of course, and raises a hand. The pads of his fingers are stained black. "Hey, I never said I believe it. But you know that's how everyone else sees you."
"Yeah," Yujin mutters, curling into himself even more so his forehead rests on his knees and he's speaking to his lap. "It shouldn't mean that they can't trust me."
"I get it," Ricky says sympathetically. "Maybe you should bring it up with them, I'm sure they'll understand."
That's the thing about Ricky, he'll always listen and offer whatever advice he can even if the situation is comparatively inane. This situation isn't inane, obviously, but Yujin had once walked past Ricky comforting Gyuvin in the kitchen about how his new hairstyle really did frame his face well, then walked past an hour later to hear Gyuvin still whining and Ricky still consoling him.
"But for the record," Ricky continues, "they haven't told any of us either. At least not that I know of." He shrugs. "I think they want to keep it between them for now."
"Oh," Yujin says awkwardly, unsure if that means he's in trouble now for finding out. Even though they were the ones that forgot to lock the door.
One edge of Ricky's mouth curls up like a cat, slow and amused. "Is there something I should know? Something that brought this conversation on?"
"Don't be nosy," Yujin advises him, and runs out before Ricky can throw a boot at him.
He doesn't know why the more he thinks about Zhang Hao and Hanbin together, the more it bothers him. It's not because of the group. Clearly they've been together for a while and it hasn't impeded the group so far, so Yujin doesn't know why it would now. And in the unlikely event that they do break up, Yujin trusts them to be mature enough to not allow it to impact the group in any way.
At first, he thinks it's because he's jealous. That seems like the most reasonable explanation for why something roils in his stomach when he sees them together, something cold and begging for attention. It would help if he knew what that something was.
He tries that theory on for size. He imagines himself back in the bathroom, only this time Zhang Hao is nowhere to be seen and he's the one kissing Hanbin—God, that's weird. He shakes his head, forcibly dislodging that visual.
Okay, he switches it around. Kissing Zhang Hao this time and—nope, that's even weirder.
That theory is easily proven wrong. Unless he's…jealous of what the two of them have together, maybe. A love that beats all the odds. That feels closer, though still not quite right.
He does know this: he views Hanbin and Zhang Hao in a different light than the rest of the members. Some people would say it's a standard hyung-dongsaeng relationship. Other people would say he's putting them on a pedestal.
Others still would say he’s a child caught in a bad storm, clinging to two familiar lifeboats in the hope that they'll weather it for him.
Yujin doesn't much care what it is but he knows, objectively, feeling like this about two of his members in a temporary group probably isn't great. That thought curdles in him like sour milk.
They tell the group — officially — on a Thursday afternoon, hand in hand and obviously bracing themselves. Yujin stands behind the couch with his arms crossed and ignores Ricky's eyes on him the whole time.
"Can we talk?" Zhang Hao asks, literally blocking the doorway so Yujin has no escape. Yujin knows from previous experience that Zhang Hao wouldn’t actually stand in his way if Yujin were to get up, but there’s a noteworthy atmosphere around Zhang Hao this time. Like he’s finally had enough of Yujin’s evasion.
Yujin supposes he has to face the music at some point. “Sure.”
Zhang Hao closes the door behind him and sits next to Yujin on the edge of his bed, leaving half a foot between them. He plants his hands on the bedspread and leans back, gaze heating the side of Yujin’s face. Then he sighs. “I want to talk this out with you before we let it fester. That’s what we’ve been trying to do the whole time.”
We obviously meaning he and Hanbin. “I know.”
“So,” Zhang Hao starts, rolling his shoulders. “Before I do something like apologise, let’s talk about what exactly happened and we’ll see how it goes from there.”
Yujin looks at him askance. “Apologise for what?”
Now it’s Zhang Hao’s turn to side-eye him. “Yujin, you’ve been avoiding both me and Hanbin since you walked in on us kissing. And some of the others say you’ve been acting strange lately. Not like yourself.”
Ricky could be such a snitch sometimes.
“It’s not because of you and Hanbin-hyung,” he says sullenly. He never came up with a plan for this conversation.
Zhang Hao arches a disbelieving eyebrow. “It’s not?”
“I mean. It is but it also isn’t. It was just kinda at a bad time, I guess.” Zhang Hao waits patiently for him to elaborate. Yujin blows out a breath. “Recently, I feel like I’ve been living in stasis.”
“In stasis?” Zhang Hao questions, voice lilting.
“Uh. Like…I’m just going through the motions. Not really doing anything with my life.” Zhang Hao shifts next to him, surprised. “My whole life, being an idol was my only true goal. The one thing I kept working towards no matter what. And now I am an idol so I’ve already achieved that one goal and it’s…I mean, what do I do now? I don’t know what to do with myself. It scares me.”
“Oh, Yujin-ah,” Zhang Hao murmurs sadly. “I’m so sorry to hear that. “
Before he can register the movement, Yujin’s being pulled into a hug. He reciprocates a little too eagerly. It reminds him of their monthly evaluations back at Yuehua right before Boys Planet had started, when everyone was stressed and on-edge and Zhang Hao doled out hugs to all the trainees like it was the only thing he trusted himself to do. That feels like a lifetime away, a whole different Yujin and a whole different Zhang Hao, but his hugs still carry that same comfort.
Yujin exhales, lightly bumping his forehead against Zhang Hao’s shoulder once and pulling away.
Zhang Hao smiles at him a little wistfully, one hand resting atop Yujin’s. Then, because he’s all practicality: “You can learn an instrument. Or learn how to produce or write songs. Or, I don’t know, a different dance style. A language. There’s so many skills you can build up, Yujin. I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck.”
“But that’s still linked to being an idol,” Yujin bursts out in frustration. “It’s not…it’s not for me. Not really.”
Zhang Hao turns his head away in thought. "What about football?"
"It's not the same anymore."
It's really not — his schedule rarely matches up to what times his school friends can do and Gunwook is the only member who a) would come and play with him and b) is actually good at it. Yujin doesn’t feel that same spark of enjoyment anymore. He’s half-convinced that he never truly enjoyed it and only leaned on it as a hobby to keep him afloat if the whole idol thing didn’t work out.
Zhang Hao looks like he has no clue what to do with that statement. “I see.”
“I want something that’s for me and me only,” Yujin mutters into the silence, head slightly bowed. “Like how you have Hanbin-hyung.”
Zhang Hao looks confused but also like he’s making an effort to try and understand Yujin. “So you want…to be in a relationship?”
“No,” Yujin objects, because that’s not even on his radar at the moment. “I just—I want…” He chews on his lip. “A person, I guess.”
“So you can have me,” Zhang Hao says easily, like it’s really that simple. Like that hasn’t been exactly what Yujin’s been wishing for this entire time.
His stomach churns. “But you already have Hanbin-hyung.”
“Yujin-ah,” Zhang Hao says, fondly exasperated. “I can belong to more than one person, you know.”
Yujin looks down at his socked feet. It was Matthew and Taerae on laundry duty this week, which explains why the socks he's wearing are a) mismatched and b) not even his. One of them has a rip in the big toe.
"I don't think Hanbin-hyung would be very happy about that," he mumbles with great effort.
Zhang Hao shrugs. “He won’t mind. You can have him too, in fact.” He grins suddenly, wide and crooked. “Unless it’s just me you’re after.”
He swallows. "No, that's…both of you are good." He covers his face with his hands and groans. "This is so embarrassing. I don't—"
"It's not a failing to want something," Zhang Hao says, calmly cutting him off. "Don't you think I would know that?"
"I don't even know what I want," Yujin mutters. "Not properly. I just look at you and Hanbin-hyung together and get…" He shrugs. All this time left with his own thoughts and he still struggles to make true sense of them.
"It's normal to get lonely," Zhang Hao continues, slowly rubbing a hand up and down Yujin's back. "Everyone does. People want to be around people, that's how life works."
Yujin blinks. "I have friends."
"I never said you didn't," Zhang Hao reminds him. "But you're lonely for—a specific kind of person." He laughs breathlessly. "I'm not wording this correctly. Maybe I should get Hanbin."
"You don't need to," Yujin says immediately. He feels fourteen all over again, hanging onto Zhang Hao's every word. "I want to hear how you'd explain it."
"Well, take me and Hanbin for example." He pauses, staring into space as he chews over his words. "I feel I have a certain image to uphold, you know? With everyone else. But with Hanbin, I can let go of that. I met him at exactly the right time in my life and…we fit so well together, I can hardly believe it sometimes. I rely on him more than anyone else. He's my rock." He squeezes Yujin's shoulder. "And if you need me or Hanbin, or both, to be your rock then there's nothing wrong with that at all."
How Zhang Hao is able to articulate in mere minutes what Yujin has been trying to make sense of in weeks is beyond him. Another characteristic of theirs he envies: the ability to translate their feelings into words. It sounds like such a simple ask, yet Yujin struggled at the first hurdle.
"Yeah," he exhales. "Yeah, I'd really like that."
"And it's as simple as that," Zhang Hao says, mouth curving into a rueful smile. Another squeeze of Yujin's shoulder. "See?"
Yujin nods, feeling adequately educated. "And sorry for all the…" He waves his hand to encompass how he's been acting since he found them kissing.
"Teenage angst," Zhang Hao supplies dryly. "It's okay, I was worse at your age. If you can believe it." He stands, hand rooted to the space between Yujin's shoulder blades. Yujin leans into the touch. "I wish we spoke about this sooner."
Yujin allows himself a small smile. "Me too."
The pressure of Zhang Hao's hand on his back disappears and Zhang Hao gives him another smile. "So we're all good?" At Yujin's hurried nod, he says with an air of finality: "Good."
Yujin watches him go until he stops with one hand on the doorknob and turns his head to look at Yujin.
“It’s also normal to not know what to do with your life,” Zhang Hao says gently. “You’re sixteen, Yujin. You have decades ahead of you, you don’t need to have everything figured out now. I certainly didn’t. I still don’t now.”
This is too many emotions for Yujin in a single week, let alone a day. His voice is a meek whisper when he says, “Thank you, hyung.”
“Of course,” Zhang Hao replies, and turns the door knob.
The promotion period is always tiring, a fact Yujin has come to know intimately in the past six months or so. It seems to take a toll on the other members more than him, probably due to his age. He doesn’t mean that rudely — Jiwoong would be the first to agree that his body can’t survive on the same amount of sleep as Yujin’s body can. Yujin’s shoulder has kind of become Jiwoong’s de facto headrest in a waiting room or in the car; he’s resigned himself to it at this point.
Today, he’s doing a radio show with Hanbin, Gyuvin, and Gunwook. The studio doesn’t have the capacity for all nine of them and the four of them volunteered to do it so the other members could rest at the dorm. That doesn’t mean Yujin himself isn’t tired, though.
It's been fairly standard up until now, the usual rote questions about their upcoming comeback and what it was like to hold such a large concert and how much the fans mean to them. Yujin is looking forward to getting home and crashing straight into bed, and he zones out a little. The other three are handling this perfectly well and it's not like they need his input specifically.
Until he hears his name being called. He blinks and straightens up in his seat, belatedly realising he's made it obvious he was spacing out. Gunwook looks like he's trying to hide a smile.
"The fan questions are always more nosy than my questions," the host is saying good-naturedly. "But as the fans went to the trouble of submitting them, I have to ask! So, Yujin-ssi. Who is your favourite member?" She fixes him with a stern, yet friendly, stare. "I'm sure your hyungs are eagerly awaiting your answer."
"We are," Gunwook confirms, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. He sighs dramatically. "If only Yujin would remember which hyung always buys him the expensive ice cream…"
"Um." He pointedly doesn't look at the right side of the table, where Hanbin is sitting. "I like all my hyungs equally."
Gyuvin tuts and tosses his hair. He says boastfully, "You're too nice, Yujinie. It's fine, you can tell them it's me."
"Hey!" Gunwook squawks, and that sets their bickering off. The host, laughing, tries to intervene while Gyuvin is about to recount an embarrassing story of Gunwook in the shower.
In the midst of the chaos, Yujin's eyes drift to Hanbin. He finds that Hanbin is already looking at him, equal parts curious and assessing. It’s wiped away instantly and he gives Yujin a small, knowing smile which makes the back of Yujin’s neck prickle in embarrassment. Hanbin’s foot nudges against his underneath the table. Then Hanbin looks away, the moment broken, and interjects the squabbling to break it up.
Yujin lays his palms flat on his thighs and waits for the cool rush of relief to leave him.
After he wakes up bleary-eyed and dishevelled from his nap and stumbles into the hallway, he’s ambushed by Gyuvin coming out of the bathroom.
"Yujinie~," Gyuvin sings, wrapping his arms around Yujin from behind in a bear hug. Yujin is on a path to the kitchen and won't be stopped, so they waddle together like that. Gyuvin is at least sensible enough to not lean all of his weight on Yujin. "How was your nap?”
Gyuvin has all the energy of someone who probably should have gone for a nap too but opted for coffee instead. “Good.”
Gyuvin hums. “I notice how you didn't answer that question. At the radio show."
Yujin feigns ignorance. "What question?"
"Pssh," Gyuvin scoffs. "The question about your favourite hyung, of course."
"I did answer it," Yujin points out. "I said I like all of you equally."
Gyuvin scoffs again. "That's not a real answer. It's human nature to play favourites."
Yujin can't help the amusement that trickles through at that statement. "Don't you always cry about how you love all of us equally?"
"Well, that's because I try very hard to fight against my nature," Gyuvin says reasonably. "Not everyone has the same level of self-control. Look at Hanbin-hyung."
The mention of Hanbin makes Yujin want to hide. Hanbin had disappeared to attach himself to Zhang Hao the minute they got back to the dorm, but not before he'd ruffled Yujin's hair and told him to eat something. It's nothing out of the ordinary for him but it feels different. Yujin likes it. "Uh-huh."
"Sooo," Gyuvin sounds out once they enter the kitchen, withdrawing from him and allowing Yujin to rifle through the fridge in peace. It's not a great selection; he'll bug Taerae about going shopping with him soon. "Come on, don't leave me hanging here. Who's your favourite hyung?"
Yujin bites his lip as he snatches the last yoghurt off of the top shelf. He closes the fridge door and says without fanfare, "Hao-hyung and Hanbin-hyung."
"Ouch!" Gyuvin clutches a hand to his chest and makes a great show of staggering back. "You wound me!"
Despite the theatrics, Yujin can tell that he's not genuinely upset. It's one thing he likes about Gyuvin: Yujin is perfectly free to joke around with him as much as he wants and not run the risk of ruining their friendship. It seems to be a perk exclusive to Yujin as Gyuvin is pretty sensitive otherwise. Maknae privilege, Ricky had said to him once in his typical amused drawl.
"Wait." Gyuvin narrows his eyes slyly. "Which one do you prefer?"
"Neither," Yujin says honestly. "They're perfectly equal. And that’s the truth."
Gyuvin pouts. This time, he believes Yujin. "And what do they have that I don't?"
It's not really about what they have that Gyuvin doesn't, it's about what they have that Yujin doesn't. He taps his spoon against the rim of the yoghurt cup. "It's not about you, it's about…" He trails off before saying lamely, "Don't think about it, hyung."
Gyuvin's pout grows more pronounced. "I feel like I should be offended."
"Hyung," Yujin sighs, long-suffering.
"Okay, okay." The pout on his face transforms into a grin. "If I can't be first, can I at least be your second favourite hyung?"
Yujin frowns. "Shouldn't it be third?"
"Well, you're counting them as one, right?" Gyuvin says casually. "You should, anyway, if they're equal. So I can be second!"
"Actually, you can be last," Yujin tells him haughtily, and grins as he dodges Gyuvin's tackle.
He comes down with the flu on the twenty-sixth of December. It’s the worst possible time to be ill considering the slew of end-of-year award shows and performances they have lined up, and it’s an understatement to say that he’s pissed off.
Hanbin wakes him up at five for their morning schedule and blanches when Yujin sniffles at him, weak and exhausted. He fades in and out of sleep as Hanbin calls their manager and flits between the other members, then is shaken awake fully when Sangwon arrives.
"Yep," Sangwon sighs, palm on Yujin's forehead. All of the members, dressed and ready to go, have circled Yujin's bed. Their expressions make Yujin feel like he's on his deathbed. "He's burning up, no way he can do anything today. I'll get one of the others to bring by some painkillers for him. Apart from that all he can do is rest."
"Maybe one of us should stay with him," Zhang Hao pipes up, sharing a worried look with Hanbin as their eyes meet across Yujin's bed.
"No can do," Sangwon says firmly. "We can't have two members out of rehearsals, one is bad enough." He removes his hand and checks his watch. "We're running late anyway, let's get going."
The members filter out one by one with various murmured well-wishes and squeezes to his ankle, until eventually he's left with Zhang Hao and Hanbin on either side of him.
Zhang Hao presses his palm to Yujin's forehead much like Sangwon did, though his touch is gentler. His eyes are wide and earnest. "Call me if something happens, okay?"
"I will," Yujin croaks, a death rattle from his throat, and they all wince.
"There's soup in the cupboard next to the sink, some spare blankets in the linen closet, and please use the hot water bottle under my bed if you need to,” Hanbin lists. “And remember to drink a lot of water.”
Yujin nods, disinclined to speak again. His throat feels like it's on fire.
The next five days pass much in the same manner. He feels a lot better on the thirty-first, the last day of the year, and he says as much to Hanbin when he comes to check on him in the morning. Yujin's still not one hundred percent but he thinks it's definitely well enough to perform. He's seen fellow idols do far more difficult choreography when they're just as, if not more, ill.
"Even if that were true," Sangwon says through the phone speaker, like he thinks Yujin is lying, "I'm afraid you're out of practice. And we'd have to change the formations again and spend the day rehearsing those, which is time we don't have. I'm sorry, Yujin."
Naturally, Yujin's left alone for the day. The members are shuttled off to the company in the morning, a full day of schedules ahead of them before the idol concert in the evening. Yujin decides he might as well take advantage of his brain fog partially clearing and sets about keeping himself just as busy as the members. He makes himself a proper meal for the first time in days, changes his bedsheets, cleans both the kitchen and the living room, and calls his mom to keep her updated.
Around midday Hanbin sends him a selfie of him, Zhang Hao, and a bunny plushie precariously balanced on Zhang Hao's shoulder that Yujin recognises from a spate of selfies the staff had made him take for Twitter a few weeks ago. That cheers Yujin up for a few hours but by the time evening rolls around, he collapses back into bed, tired and lonely. He has a headache for no reason at all and when he closes his eyes in search of relief, sleep engulfs him in a heartbeat.
He comes to a few hours later and isn't surprised to find the dorm still cold and silent. It takes him a very short amount of time to realise that he must've slept through one year seeping into the next; he can hear the never-ending explosion of fireworks being set off outside.
He stares up into the darkness and, to make it real and true, says aloud, "Happy new year."
Yujin wanted to ring in the new year with all of his hyungs, an arm curled over his shoulders and a firm hand on his back and someone laughing into his ear. He's stupidly upset about it, about being stuck here while they're all having fun without him, and he shuts his eyes tightly to stave off the flood of emotion that overwhelms him. He mentally recites every single Chinese word he can think of in a bid for distraction. The last time he had to do this — which was a while ago — he discovered that he knew only twenty-seven words.
He's up to thirty-one when the front door bangs open and Yujin almost jumps out of his skin.
"Wait," a voice that sounds like it belongs to Zhang Hao calls out. "He could be—"
The bedroom door flings open and the next thing Yujin knows, he has a warm body on top of him and a very wet kiss on his forehead. It's bestowed upon him with a loud smack. From the light bleeding in from the hallway, Yujin can make out the planes of Gyuvin's face and the flash of his teeth.
"Happy new year, our Yujinie," Gyuvin trills, then pinches his cheeks. Yujin simultaneously wrinkles his nose and smiles at him, and Gyuvin kisses his forehead again.
This kiss is even wetter than the first. "Ew," he complains, wiping at his forehead with his sleeve.
Someone turns on the light and Yujin squints, trying to hide how pleased he is at seeing them all here.
“Ew?” Gyuvin repeats, affronted. "You're growing up to be such a brat! We were thinking of you the whole day, you know. Did you watch our speech?"
"I will later," he promises. "I was tired today."
"Clearly," Matthew says, smiling at how he's tucked into bed. Though he doesn't look much better than Yujin feels; they must all be pretty tired.
Gyuvin climbs off of him and then it's the turn of the other members to crowd him with their own affections. Thankfully, nobody else kisses him.
“I might still be infected,” Yujin says weakly as Jiwoong hugs him particularly tight. Everyone ignores him.
It’s nice. It’s really nice, actually, and Yujin’s previous sour mood vanishes even as everyone splits up to get ready for bed. He won’t begrudge them their need to rest. Yujin curls up in bed, listening to the dorm settle down then completely quieten, but sleep evades him. It doesn’t help that he can still hear the fireworks outside and Matthew’s snoring seems to be particularly loud tonight, so he climbs out of bed.
He's heading to the kitchen for a glass of water when he corrects himself: not everyone has finished celebrating.
It's kind of an unspoken rule within the group to not disturb Zhang Hao and Hanbin's alone time on the balcony. Neither of them react when Yujin slips through the ajar door, though, so he takes it as a win.
They're too busy murmuring to each other to pay any attention to him. Yujin doesn’t think they know he’s there. Hanbin’s back is to him, arm slung over Zhang Hao's back and hand anchored to his waist. Zhang Hao is curled against his side, face hidden in the crook of Hanbin's neck. Yujin can only see the crown of his head. They whisper to each other in dulcet tones, interspersed with quiet giggles.
It’s unspeakably intimate, a glimpse behind the veil which he so rarely sees. He lurks for a few moments, a warm contentment filling him at the sight, before he clears his throat to announce his presence.
For a brief moment, he thinks that they’ll spring apart like they did when he first found them kissing. But they don’t do that, of course — there’s nothing to hide now. Instead, Zhang Hao’s head lifts and Hanbin twists his torso to face him. They have matching dopey smiles.
"Happy new year, Yujinie," they chorus in unison, then grin at each other. They seem to have forgotten they already wished Yujin a happy new year forty minutes ago.
Even in the darkness Yujin can tell their faces are flushed, smiles a little too giddy. He spots the two empty beer bottles on the little table, along with another pair which are half-empty. Drunk, then.
"Happy new year," he parrots back at them for the second time that night.
Hanbin pats the empty chair next to him in invitation. “Sit down.”
Yujin doesn’t need telling twice. On account of the tangible chill in the air, he tries to rearrange his limbs so that he can curl into himself and gain a semblance of warmth, but gives up quickly after being reminded that he’s too tall for that now. He notes that neither Zhang Hao nor Hanbin seem affected at all but he supposes alcohol works wonders. And cuddling.
Hanbin must take pity on him and reaches around Zhang Hao to pass him the blanket that they keep in the corner of the balcony.
Yujin takes it gratefully and prays there isn’t a family of spiders living in it or something. “Thanks.”
Zhang Hao suddenly jerks, hands flying up to his face in horror. “Hey! You’re not supposed to be out here, you’re sick!”
“I feel fine now,” Yujin says, because he does. He feels clear-headed for the first time in days. That nap earlier must have been the final nail in the coffin for his illness.
Zhang Hao squints at him, as if his eyesight will be able to pick up any traces of illness on Yujin, and crosses his arms across his chest. "If you say so."
"You're so cute," Hanbin coos, cupping the underside of Zhang Hao's jaw with one hand and kissing him on the swell of his cheek.
“Lightweight,” Zhang Hao accuses, though it comes out garbled thanks to Hanbin smushing his cheeks together.
“As if you’re any better,” Hanbin fires back gleefully, then pecks him on his puckered lips.
Yujin's eyes dart towards the door as he wonders if he should make a tactical retreat right now, but Hanbin's hand thankfully drops back into his lap. Zhang Hao glares at Hanbin balefully as he massages his cheeks, then bursts out laughing when he looks at Yujin.
Yujin quickly looks down at himself to check he doesn't have a massive spider crawling over him or something. "What?"
"Nothing," Zhang Hao chuckles. "You just look so cute like that."
"Our cutie Yujinie," Hanbin agrees, voice lilting like he's trying not to laugh too.
"Um," Yujin says. "Thanks?"
Is this what being drunk is like?
"Onto more important things," Zhang Hao announces dramatically, mood changing in the flick of a switch. He waggles his eyebrows at Yujin and slurs, hissing like a snake, "Any new year's resolutionsss?"
It's a question punctuated by Hanbin's giggle.
To have you two stop keeping me at arm's length. To be spoken to like an adult and not a child. To make my mom proud of me. To have this every day for as long as I possibly can.
He doesn't say any of that. Instead: "To get drunk."
The sound of their combined laughter, bright and melodic, spills out over the balcony railing and is instantly absorbed into the noise of Seoul roaring to life. Yujin joins in a second later.
Yujin has always liked Seollal. Who doesn't? He gets a reprieve from both school and training — or, as it's called now, work — and gets to spend the day catching up with his family.
Only this year, he crosses the threshold of his family home and is immediately rewarded with the itch to leave. There's a momentary swell of panic within him at the realisation but he shoves it down for now, eager to compartmentalise.
His mom's face transforms when she sees him, eyes curving up into crescents. "Yujin-ah!"
He feels his own answering smile stretch across his face. "Hi, Mom."
"Ah, you've grown even taller," she exclaims, still smiling, and pulls him into a hug. At least this is familiar. "How are you? How was the journey?"
"It was fine," he says truthfully. His family don’t live that far from the dorm but he doesn't get much opportunity to visit them regardless. He pulls away after he feels he's sufficiently melted into her hug. "Do you need any help? With food or…?"
"No, no," she fusses, lightly pushing him to the living room. "Your grandparents are here, go say hi. We'll catch up when your father gets here, okay?"
Yujin does say hi, as well as dutifully answer their questions (he's fine, yes he is very tall now, school is good, no girlfriend, being an idol keeps him busy, the members are all doing well). Once he feels he's reached the bare minimum of being a filial grandson, he makes his excuses and scampers to his bedroom.
It hasn't changed but it smells clean, a lavender freshness permeating the air. His sheets must have been washed. He lingers for a minute, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, before dropping his backpack on the floor and flopping down onto his bed. He stares up at the ceiling, spread-eagled, and tries not to think about how he feels like a stranger in his own home. He wishes, fleetingly at first before it builds into a stronger desire, that he were with Zhang Hao and Hanbin right now.
Well. There's no reason he can't go to them. It's not like he's needed here right at this very minute.
He unlocks his phone and finds his message log with Hanbin. Zhang Hao is infamously bad at replying to messages and it's far more polite to text Hanbin anyway, considering it's his house Yujin will be showing up to. He texts Hanbin without any more thought, a vague can i come and see you now? you can say no.
The response takes some time to come through. To occupy himself, he sends a thumbs-up emoji to the picture of the sunrise Taerae sent in the group chat then mindlessly scrolls through Twitter. His timeline looks pretty quiet — the fans must be busy too — so he's about to get up and start unpacking. As if sensing his reluctance to do exactly that, Hanbin sends three messages in rapid succession: an Of course!, his address, and Everything good?
Yujin plugs the address into his maps app and scans the route it provides him with. Thirty-five minutes by direct bus. He opens his chat with Hanbin back up to type out a yeah :), then gracefully rolls off his bed.
His mom is boiling water in the kitchen, fingernails tapping against the linoleum as she waits. She whirls around when he speaks.
"I forgot my phone charger at the dorm," he lies. "It's not a long ride so I'll just get it now."
His mom’s brow furrows. "Your father will be back soon, why don't you wait for him? He can drive you there."
"It's really fine," he promises her, already tugging his shoes on. "I won't be long, I swear."
She doesn't say anything else, instead opting to stand and watch him silently. She's always been uncomfortably good at reading him and Yujin hastens to get ready before she can pass judgement. She probably thinks he's rushing to a rendezvous with his secret girlfriend. Ha.
"See you soon," he adds lamely, then flees.
Yujin takes the bus there, masked-up with sunglasses and a cap on in case there's a chance of him being recognised. He never leaves the house without totally obscuring his face now, not since that time he'd been followed from the convenience store. This offers him some peace of mind.
It's an abnormally warm day for February, the sun high and proud in the sky, and the crowded bus doesn't help. The entire population of Seoul must be travelling today. He squints out of the window, losing himself to his thoughts until his stop is announced.
Luckily, the route from the bus stop to Hanbin's house is pretty straightforward and Yujin pockets his phone a few minutes before his estimated arrival time. It looks like a quiet neighbourhood — or as quiet as Seoul can get, anyway — and Yujin stops checking over his shoulder.
Hanbin's mom is the one to answer the door. Yujin's only met her a few times before in passing, backstage after concerts and the like, but she smiles welcomingly at him anyway, albeit a little confused. "Yujin-ssi?"
He's about to bow when she pulls him into a hug and he rights himself before he ends up stumbling into her or something. It's short but sweet, her perfume tickling his nose. Yujin figures it's probably a mom superpower to give the best hugs.
"I told Hanbin-hyung I was coming," he explains as she closes the door and gestures at him to take off his shoes. "If that's okay."
Hanbin must not have told her judging by her visible surprise, but all she says is, "Of course! Make yourself at home."
Yujin catches her glance towards the kitchen. He recognises that look from his own mother when an unexpected guest shows up.
"It's okay, I'm not staying," he assures her. "I was just hoping to see Hanbin-hyung and Hao-hyung before I go back home."
"Oh, I see!" She doesn't bother hiding the relief on her face. The openness of it reminds him of Hanbin. "Did you want to wait for them?"
"Wait for them?"
"They're not here," she clarifies. "They went on a walk a while ago. I'm not sure where to."
"Um," he says awkwardly, and pulls out his phone for moral support. Thankfully, as soon as he does he sees that Hanbin has texted him a pin with his location. It's less than ten minutes away. "Actually, it looks like I can meet them there." He begins backing away. "Sorry to bother you!"
"No problem at all," she says in bemusement, but the smile on her face is kind. That reminds him of Hanbin too.
She sees him out, most likely laughing at him in her head, and Yujin sends a thanks…….. to Hanbin. He hopes the ellipses convey his embarrassment.
He finds them eventually, holed up in a small green space nearby. Considering what a nice day it is, it's weirdly empty. Yujin tracks Hanbin's pin to a bench hidden by the surrounding bushes, close to forming its own private alcove.
Zhang Hao waves at him when Yujin gets closer. "Hey!"
Yujin can see why they chose this bench specifically: Zhang Hao is stretched out across the length of it, leaning against the arm of the bench with his legs in Hanbin's lap. Their managers would probably have an aneurysm if they saw them sitting like this in public.
Hanbin budges up closer to Zhang Hao to make space for Yujin.
"Sorry," Hanbin says sheepishly, clearly detecting the hidden meaning behind Yujin's text. "I wanted to show Zhang Hao this place before it gets dark. It will be crawling with families here tomorrow."
"Everything okay at home?" Zhang Hao asks him evenly, eyes scouring him for clues.
"Yeah." He shifts, getting comfortable with the added weight of Zhang Hao's legs on his lap. "I just wanted to see you guys."
Both of them are too nice to mention that Yujin last saw them about twelve hours ago.
"That's sweet of you," Zhang Hao says, and Hanbin nods in agreement. The smiles they direct at him can only be described as fond. He's learning that there's a certain smile both of them reserve for Yujin and the knowledge makes him glow. "Happy Seollal, Yujin-ah."
Yujin smiles back. "Thanks, hyung. You too."
Zhang Hao prods Hanbin's side when he doesn't offer his own greeting.
"I have a message drafted for the group chat that I was going to post tomorrow," Hanbin says somewhat petulantly. "But happy Seollal, Yujinie."
Zhang Hao snorts. "I hope your message in the group chat is better than that, or else I'll be disappointed."
"You don't even read the group chat," Hanbin complains, whiny in that way he only gets with Zhang Hao.
"Of course I do," Zhang Hao says smoothly, thumb stroking the nape of Hanbin's neck. "How could I not, when my Hanbinie writes such pretty words?"
Hanbin promptly goes the colour of beetroot and Zhang Hao shares a conspiratorial grin with Yujin. He doesn't usually get to see this kind of teasing dynamic between them, for one reason or another.
Yujin has a few of his own theories which all merge into each other. He knows that the two of them have devised, either directly or indirectly, the role of the perfect hyung. Infallible and always ready to listen to anyone's problems at a moment's notice. It's even more apparent when they're together, like they have to present a united front of wisdom and maturity to the world. And in their view, Yujin especially needs to see this cool and collected image of them. One day he'll find a way to tell them that he disagrees, that he wants to see all of them and not only the squeaky clean exterior.
Or it could be down to how they're such perfect idols that they feel they can't be multifaceted humans.
Mentally, he circles all of the above. But he wants to hear their take on it. "Do you ever regret being an idol?"
They blink at him simultaneously, sporting twin expressions of shock. Hanbin’s face is residually flushed. They exchange glances before speaking — a habit Yujin doubts they'll ever break — but at least they look like they're thinking on the question carefully.
"Being an idol is a tough path to follow," Hanbin finally says.
Yujin senses there's a but coming. "But?"
"But," Hanbin enunciates, "it's brought me the best thing in my life." He turns his head and finishes softly, "And nothing can take away from that."
Zhang Hao doesn’t need to say anything, not when his response to that statement is written plainly all over his face. Hanbin looks back at him steadily, the tips of his ears pinkening. Lost in their own world.
Yujin gets the impression that if he weren't here, they would almost definitely be making out right now.
With what looks like great effort, Zhang Hao tears his gaze away from Hanbin. "Yujin," he says, tone carefully neutral. "Do you regret being an idol?"
At some point, he thinks he was coming pretty close to it. The price of fame, a school friend had joked to him months ago, though Yujin didn't find it very funny. Too many sleepless nights and greedy hands grabbing at him and headaches from camera flashes and two of the people he loves most becoming more and more unreachable to him.
But not any longer.
"No." He tilts his face up to the sky, sun beating down on him. His eyes close, a sea of red behind his eyelids. "It's also brought me some pretty good things."
When Yujin is ten, he learns about role models. It's a perfectly standard lesson and Yujin thinks nothing of it until the teacher assigns them an in-class exercise: discuss who your role model is with your partner and explain why, then write it down.
Jiho grins at him as soon as Miss Kim's finished speaking. "I already know mine."
Yujin doesn't look up from the butterfly he's sketching. "Oh?"
He likes Jiho but Yujin thinks he takes school too seriously. Jiho thinks Yujin doesn't take school seriously enough. It's probably why they've been paired together in class ever since the new school year started.
"Yup," Jiho says, chest puffing out. Whenever their teachers call on him to answer a question, he does it like he's delivering a performance. "My father. His job is really important because he says when you build apartments, you can't only think about the people living inside. You have to remember the building owners exist too and they—"
Miss Kim appears at Yujin's side from one blink to the next. He's too late in covering up the butterfly before she can see it.
"It's polite to listen to your classmates, Yujin," she reprimands, though not unkindly. Miss Kang would've shouted at him for that. He can feel the ink smudging underneath his palm. "Let's remember that for next time, okay? Have you thought about your role model?"
"Yes," he lies easily. His mind scrambles before it lands on an answer. "My father. I want to be like him when I grow up."
Yujin knows it's not true before the words have even left his mouth. Already, he's aware he would rather do anything else than follow in the footsteps of his father's bland office life. The topics he talks about at dinner do nothing to inspire Yujin, unlike Jiho and his father.
But, at that time, no one else came to mind.
Now, he watches Zhang Hao and Hanbin walking side by side with their hands brushing every step, their straight backs and broad shoulders and the soft smile on Zhang Hao's face as he listens to Hanbin animatedly tell a story, and thinks I want to be like them when I grow up.