Chapter Text
Asami walks into the classroom hesitantly. At first, she's concerned that she's walked into the wrong class, given that the only other person inside is a dark skinned girl furiously attacking a sketchbook with a pencil. Asami glances at her schedule once again GS 201: Introduction to Gender and Sexuality. Location: KH3025B. Unless her schedule is wrong, she's in the right class, but just to be sure, she shyly approaches the girl.
“Excuse me,” she says softly. The girl doesn't seem to hear her, continuing to doodle in her journal, her tongue sticking out slightly as she concentrates. “Excuse me,” Asami repeats, more loudly this time.
The girl jumps in her seat at the interruption and blinks up at Asami in surprise.
“Oh!” Asami blushes, “I didn't mean to sneak up on you”.
“It's all right,” the girl gives Asami a wide smile, a smile that makes Asami's heart speed up and her stomach do all sorts of wild gymnastics. Stop it, she wills herself, trying to reign herself in.
“Oh good,” Asami replies, trying to regain her composure.
“I'm Korra,” the girl smiles that smile again and sticks out her hand.
“A-Asami,” Asami shakes her hand, praying with all her heart that the girl can't feel her racing pulse
“Nice to meet you,” Korra lets her hand go and Asami gives an internal sigh of relief, “Did you need something?”
“Right!” Asami says, maybe a touch too loudly, “I was wondering if I had the right class?”
“GS 201?” Korra asks, “With Professor Kya?”
Asami nods, not trusting herself to reply without stuttering. Between Korra and the class she was taking, she could barely contain her anxiety.
“Then you're in the right place,” Korra smiles, “Wanna sit next to me?” Korra clears her backpack off the seat next to her so that Asami can sit.
Asami looks towards the back corner of the room, her usual desk of choice, then back at the desk next to Korra.
“Come on,” Korra grins, “I don't bite.
At that Asami gulps and takes her seat next to Korra, tucking her bag under her seat. She smiles softly at Korra, who grins back, causing Asami to blush yet again.
It was going to be a long, stressful quarter.
-
Korra and Asami sit next to each other in silence as Korra draws and Asami pretends to text for what seems like hours but is really more like ten minutes. As time passes, other students trudge in, talking loudly, laughing at jokes, shoving the last of their lunch in their mouths. A grey haired woman all but waltzes in after them, her arms full of books and papers, which she slams on the desk at the front of the class room.
“All right,” she says in a calm yet authoritative voice, “Settle down”. The class begins to quiet as students take notice of the professor, “Excellent,” she smiles and turns towards the black board, “Welcome to Introduction to Gender and Sexuality,” she writes the name of the class on the board, “My name is Kya, just Kya, we're all adults here, no need for formalities,” she writes her name in tight cursive under the name of the course.
“Now,” Kya turns around and clasps her hands in front of her, “Time for introductions,” the class groans, “I know, I know, you do this every class, but I need to get to know you all”.
“We'll start here,” Kya points to Asami, who freezes up like a deer caught in headlights. “I want your name, class, major, and why you're taking this course”.
“Um, well,” Asami mumbles. Korra gives her an encouraging nod, and Asami continues, “My name is Asami Sato, I'm a sophomore, I'm double majoring in electrical engineering and architecture, and I'm taking this course to fulfill my general education requirements”.
Kya says something in response and continues to the next student, but Asami can't focus on anything they're saying. She puts her head down. What am I doing here? This was a terrible idea.
Asami had signed up for this class to learn more about others, about herself, but now it all seemed like a big mistake. After all, it had been bad enough when her father had heard that the biology department was teaching evolution, but if he found out Asami was taking this class? There was no telling how he'd react.
Asami feels herself panicking, feels the cold sweat running down her face as her heart speeds up. Just as she's going to excuse herself to get out of class, to go to the restroom, outside, anywhere but here, Korra stands up.
“Hello,” she smiles. Asami looks up, “My name is Korra. I'm a junior here and I'm majoring in Gender and Sexuality studies, I'm taking this course because it fulfills my major requirement and because I'm genuinely interested”.
Korra sits back down and gives Asami a small smile before returning to her sketchbook.
The rest of the class is a blur of introductions and rules and syllabi, but Asami could only focus on Korra's brow furrowed in concentration, on her well defined arms, on nothing but Korra.
Asami was in trouble. Because of all the things her father could know, of all the secrets he could discover, these feelings would be the worst by far.
-
After class, Korra makes as if to talk to Asami again, but before she can even open her mouth, Asami has packed up her things and is power walking to the door.
She somehow manages to hold her tears until she reaches her car, a small dinged up Honda. She enters the car and immediately bursts into tears, leaning her head against the steering wheel.
Why am I like this? Why why why why why. It's all Asami can do to stop herself from banging her head against the steering wheel. Of all people, why me? She doesn't bother asking god this question, she'd given up long ago on getting answers from him, not that her father would ever know that. Her father could never really know anything about her, at least not about the real her.
Asami sits up and cleans up her makeup. It's time to return to her other life, time to go home.
-
“Hey daddy!” Asami calls out as she enters their small apartment, “I'm home!” she says with false cheer.
“Over here, sweetie,” a voice calls back from upstairs.
Asami climbs the stairs and peeks her head into her father's bedroom, where he sits at his desk, hunched over his sermon notes. Ever since her mother's death, he'd withdrawn more and more into the church until it seemed as if he were fully immersed in preaching and in taking care of his flock.
“Hey,” Asami smiles, leaning against the door.
Mr. Sato looks up from his notes, “Hey yourself,” he smiles warmly at Asami, “Come in, come in”.
Asami walks into the room and stops at her father's desk, “How was school,” he asks.
“Good,” she smiles back.
“Good? That's it?” Mr. Sato raises an eyebrow, “How was that um that archeology course you're taking?”
“It's anthropology, dad,” Asami laughs airily, trying not to stumble over the lie.
“Anthropology?” he frowns, “That sounds a bit too Humanist for my taste”.
“It's the study of different cultures, dad,” Asami lays the lies on thick in the hope that her father wouldn't ask anymore questions, “it'll come in handy if I ever become a missionary”.
“Ah,” her father smiles, a twinkle in his eye, “I'm very proud of you, honey, you're staying true to Christ rather than giving up your heart to the world,” he stands up and gives Asami a tight hug, “That's my girl”.
If only you knew.
-
The next class session, when Asami walks into the classroom, Korra looks up expectantly. Rather than taking her original seat next to Korra, however, Asami ignores the girl and makes her way to the back of the class, leaving a confused and hurt looking Korra in her wake.
Asami feels a twinge of guilt, but does her best to suppress it. This is for the best.
Today was the first real day of class, so Kya begins the lesson by saying, “Raise your hand if you did the readings last night”. About a quarter of the class, including Korra raises their hand.
Oh no. How was Asami supposed to do the required readings? She couldn't very well ask her father for money to buy books like “Queering the Borderlands”.
Kya sighs at the class's lackluster response, “Okay,” she says, “How many of you have all the required books with you?” This time, half the class raises their hands. Kya rubs her temples, “All right, those of you who for whatever reason cannot or will not buy the books, I have a few copies on reserve at the library. You can rent out the books for a few hours, more than enough time to do your readings and complete your classwork, I'm sure”.
Asami perks up at this. Maybe this class wasn't such a mistake after all. Maybe, just maybe, she could do this. Maybe she could find out what's wrong with her, what makes her keep glancing up at Korra for the rest of the course.
I mean she's not exactly inconspicuous, Asami tries to justify to herself. And it's true, Korra raises her hand to answer nearly every question, she quotes full passages from the readings, she debates fiercely with the long haired boy in back who dares to call the validity of non binary people into question. Korra is magnificent. Self assured, confident, and most importantly, secure in her gender and sexuality, whatever they might be. I wish I could be like that. Asami catches herself thinking wistfully. Maybe that's it, maybe I just want to be her. But in spite of her skill in lying to her father, she doesn't quite succeed in convincing herself that her attraction to Korra is strictly platonic and admiring in nature. It's as if Korra exerts some sort of gravitational pull on Asami, pulling her in, calling to her, making her fall, and try as she might, she fears that she won't be able to resist.
_
After class, Asami rushes out yet again and makes for the library. She'd texted her father telling him she was staying late studying with some of the kids from the Christian Club on campus, and he'd given her permission to stay later than normal.
Asami asks the circulation desk for the books she needs and settles down at one of the tables, opening up her notebook and putting her headphones on. She listens to the music pre approved by her father. It's not exactly to her taste, but without music of some sort, she can't concentrate on her work, so she makes do.
Just as a Switchfoot track starts playing, someone taps her on the shoulder. Asami jumps and turns around. Korra's grinning face looks down at her. Asami smiles back weakly, and Korra must take that to be some kind of sign because she settles into the seat next to Asami.
“Hey,” she says as Asami takes off her headphones, “Watcha listening to?”
“Oh,” Asami switches off her music, “Um nothing”.
“Nothing?” Korra raises an eyebrow, “Let's fix that”. She takes out a pair of ear buds and hands one of the buds to Asami. “Do you like Kina Grannis? I bet you'd like her, you look like a Kina Grannis kind of girl”.
“Oh, okay,” Asami puts the bud in her ear. She doesn't know what she's expecting, maybe something angry and rebellious and courageous, but whatever it is that she's expecting, it's certainly not the music that starts playing.
A warm voice starts singing softly, sweetly, joyfully. It takes Asami a moment to notice, but the woman singing seems to be singing about another woman? And not in the ways that Asami has associated with lesbian or bisexual women or whatever. All her life, women loving women has been presented as a tragic, hidden thing, full of death and relationships that always fail and angry parents.
Instead what she hears a song full of sweetness, with lyrics like “This woman is my destiny” and “We were bound to be together”. It's a song that directly contradicts everything anyone, from her father to the media to the Bible, has told her about women who love women.
Almost without realizing it, Asami lets her eyes flutter shut, drinking in the music, forgetting for one beautiful moment the sermon's she's heard, her self hatred, even god himself. She just drinks in the music.
The song finally stops and the moment breaks. Asami realizes that somehow, she's inched closer to Korra, and she turns towards her in shock, her face just a hair's breadth from Korra's.
“I told you you'd like her,” Korra smiles softly.
“I-I have to go,” Asami packs her bags and runs out of the library, leaving the books open on the table.
_
Asami continues to studiously ignore Korra at the next class session, and the next, and the next. And each time she walks into the classroom, Korra attempts to call her over. And so it goes for about a month, until the day Kya decides to show the documentary.
“Okay, class,” Kya says, facing her students, “Today I'm going to be showing a film titled “For the Bible Tells Me So. Who here has watched the film before?” A handful of students, and of course, Korra, raise their hands. “Not many, then. Good,” Kya smiles. She puts a dvd in the slot and turns on the projector. “Now, before I start the film, I want to give some content warnings for homophobia and suicide”.
Asami stiffens, this isn't good.
“If any of these things disturbs you, you are free to leave the class now”.
Okay, if anyone leaves, I'll go too. Nobody moves a muscle.
“Excellent,” Kya says as she pushes the play button.
Asami attempts to steel herself for what's to come, but nothing could have prepared her for what she sees on the screen. Families, torn apart over their child's sexuality and their parent's zealotry, a gay woman, lost and alone, who committed suicide, an entire corporation that profits off of the bigotry of others.
Suddenly, Asami can't breath. The room spins around her, and tears start to swim in her eyes. She grabs her things as best she can and stumbles out of the classroom, not caring if anyone notices her. Once outside, she sinks down, her back against the hall wall.
And there, she cries. She cries for the broken families, she cries for all those who came before her, who went through what she's going through, but most of all, she cries for herself. Asami cries tears of fear, tears of rage, tears of despair all at once, and just as she thinks she'll never stop, that she'll be sitting outside the class sobbing for all eternity, the door to the classroom opens.
Two strong arms cradle Asami and a reassuring whispers, “It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. It's going to be okay”.
Asami swallows up the words, grabs onto them as if they were a lifeboat, the only thing stopping her from being swept out to sea. She turns around and sobs into Korra's chest, not caring what she thinks, not caring that her secret is most likely out.
“Hey,” Korra whispers once Asami has calmed down a bit, “My car is parked right out there. Do you want to go talk there for a while?”
Asami nods weakly in reply, and Korra helps her stand up. Korra grabs Asami's stuff and guides her out the door.
They reach Korra's car in a matter of seconds, and Korra opens the passenger door for Asami, who slides into the seat. Korra joins her in the driver's seat and rolls up the windows.
Asami sniffles and picks at some white hairs that have stuck to her black leggings.
“Oh sorry,” Korra laughs, “Those are from Naga”.
“Naga?” Asami asks quietly.
“Yeah, hold up,” Korra grabs her phone and opens up her gallery, scrolling through until she finds the picture she wants, “Here”.
Asami grabs the phone hesitantly and looks down at the picture. A monstrously huge white dog looks back at her, her tongue sticking out of her mouth, which is open as if she were smiling.
“She's cute,” Asami hands the phone back to Korra.
“Yeah, but she sheds like a mother fucker,” Korra puts the phone away.
“Oh,” Asami tries not to cringe at Korra's language and looks down at her hands. The two settle into an awkward silence, each waiting for the other to speak.
“Sooo,” Korra finally breaks the silence, “Do you want to talk about what happened in there?”
“Ye- no- I don't know,” Asami sighs.
“If you're not ready to talk about it, it's okay, but I'm here for you when you are ready, okay?” Korra rests a hand on Asami's shoulder.
Asami tenses.
“Why are you doing this?” she demands and Korra pulls back.
“Doing what?'
“Talking to me all the time, trying to get me to sit with you, this whole thing right now, why?”
Korra muses it over. “I guess,” she starts, “I guess it's because I remember being there, you know? I know what it's like, and I wish someone had been there for me, you know?”
Asami's eyes widen. Is it really that obvious? Is it only a matter of time before dad finds out?
As if sensing her panic, Korra reassures her, “Don't worry, I'm just really good at sensing these things”.
“Oh,” Asami sighs in relief, she'd heard about this kind of thing before. “Gaydar, right?”
“Well in my case, bidar,” Korra winks and puts her feet up on the dashboard, “But yeah, my radar is pretty legendary. Besides,” Korra looks over at Asami and grins, “I've seen the way you look at me”.
“Wh-what?” Asami chokes out.
“I'm kidding!” Korra sits up, “I'm just kidding, sorry”.
“Hahaha,” Asami laughs weakly.
“I was just trying to get you to lighten up a bit,” Korra smiles reassuringly at Asami.
Asami gives Korra a genuine smile back. “Thanks,” she says.
Korra nods, “No problem”. Silence returns again but this time, it's comfortable, peaceful. And this time, it's Asami who breaks the silence.
“I want to talk about it,” she whispers.
“Yeah?” Korra raises an eyebrow, “Only if you're ready”.
Asami nods firmly.
And she tells Korra everything. She tells her about her father, about how he was eaten alive by grief and zealotry after her mother's death. She talks about the years she spent, hating herself, denying the way she felt about girls, praying every night asking God to forgive her for even so much as looking at a girl and thinking she's pretty. She tells Korra about the sermons her father writes and how close they are to those described in the film. And finally, finally, for the first time in her life, she says out loud,
“I like girls”.