Chapter Text
Four months ago, when he got married, he decided to follow the schedule of the Lans. He wakes when they do, dresses in the white robes of the Lan Sect (although he doesn't have a forehead ribbon for reasons he doesn’t want to think about) and meditates in his rooms. He eats breakfast with his husband which is mostly silent except for “good morning”s and empty, awkward, small talk. But the silence is… fine. It’s better than the small talk that causes his throat to close with anxiety because of how one-sided it is (he knows he is… unwanted, as a spouse, but he had hoped that they could all be friendly… perhaps that was too optimistic).
This is the only time he will spend time with his husband or see him other than in passing.
Wen Ning knows what his place is. And he knows, given the context of their marriage, his position, he must prove his worth to the sect. Which is… easier said than done. He helps the Lan healers, because he knows he's good at that, is perfectly adequate (just yesterday, his patient was finally discharged after three months and Wen Ning was ecstatic!) and he proves that his sister is a good teacher, as well as the best healer of her generation. The others are… well, for Lans, they could be considered “openly hostile” but that’s fine. Wen Ning knows they were treating the wounded during the Sunshot Campaign and having a Wen in their midst is painful. Especially when they're still rebuilding. And that’s fine. He understands. They still treat him better than Wen Chao did so their passive aggressive attitude and jabs don't cut as deep as they might like and he continues to help. He does this, every day, until it is time for lunch.
Once lunch rolls around, he fills a qiankun pouch with medicines, goes to the kitchens and retrieves two trays of food that he takes to Wei-gongzi’s work room --Hanguang-jun had it built for him so he could invent and experiment without bother and there are enough arrays and talismans to keep the resentful energy contained, to keep others safe, and he cleanses it at least once a week. This way, Wen Ning knows Wei-gongzi isn’t accidentally skipping meals because he became too hyper-focused on a project and, for a few moments, he isn’t lonely. How can he be when Wei-gongzi laughs and jokes and talks so freely? He casually touches Wen Ning in a way others do not —not any more, not in Cloud Recesses— and it soothes the Omega instincts that want affection and comfort and touch. He doesn't repress his scent with perfumes or his pheromones with compartmentalization techniques. Afterwards, he always checks the Alpha’s pathways to make sure there isn’t any new damage and he checks Wei-gongzi for injury (because he's not gentle with himself and still sometimes acts like he has a golden core that can heal most wounds). He does his best to take care of him, to give Wei-gongzi his medicines --some for his qi and the resentment that can easily build up and affect his mind, some for his overall immune system, some that encourage weight gain and more sleeping medicine, if he's running low-- and coddle him afterwards. Sometimes he gets asked to stay and help Wei-gongzi with whatever invention or experiment has his attention that day. Though he isn’t sure if he’s ever very helpful, Wei-gongzi never complains and seems to enjoy his company. He makes sure not to stay too long, since he knows Hanguang-jun likes to visit the other Alpha when he’s working and he knows that seeing him will only spoil any good mood the Lan could be in.
He can admit, to himself at least, that seeing them so lovey-dovey makes his throat thick with jealousy that is bitter and difficult to swallow down. Wen Ning manages, because he's practiced at it, but if he can avoid it, he will.
Afterwards, he will either head back to work with the healers some more or, sometimes, he'll work on his sword forms --he makes sure never to practice the Wen style where anyone would see him-- or he'll pick up a bow, to keep from getting rusty. He doesn’t do this very often because he always gets the feeling that the young disciples and older cultivators are watching him and their gazes are heavy. He knows they must find his skill lacking, as his cultivation is primarily used for healing. They're polite but distant.
He will head back to his rooms and take a bath before or after dinner, depending on the day, and will look at any letters he may have received. Most are from his family: his jiejie or Granny or Wen Yuan who can’t write but tries his best and sends him little drawings that he keeps in a small box. The ones that aren’t from his family are from Meng Yao-- well, Jin Guangyao, Lianfang-zun, now. Lan-zongzhu has been encouraging the exchanges since his wedding, when he had spoken to Meng-- Jin Guangyao, who had been a guest. The letters are always encoded. It's a simple code, but it has been giving him a bad feeling since they started their letter exchanges. It reminds him of when he was in Nightless City, helping Meng Yao get his information to Lan-zongzhu. Still, he likes writing with Meng Yao and they have always gotten along despite Wen Ning knowing about the darker parts of the other Omega’s personality that he's ashamed of. And he likes being able to actually talk to another Omega. He didn’t grow up around very many and the others in the jianghu don’t speak to him very much even if they are his peers. Nie Huaisang, for example, is an Omega but he can’t recall one conversation of substance between the two of them. Even at his wedding, he had spoken primarily to Wei-gongzi, Lan-zongzhu and Jin Guangyao.
Then he will go to bed, and he does make a purposeful effort to go to bed and be asleep by the Lan approved bedtime, but sometimes sleep evades him or he'll wake up from a particularly vivid nightmare, and will not be able to fall back asleep for some time. He'll sit outside on the veranda of his rooms, just outside the doors, and stare into the dark until he calms down. Sometimes he'll see Lan-zongzhu strolling in the shadows. The sect leader would never be put on patrolling duty, even in the Lan sect, and Wen Ning… well, he recognizes the look in Lan-zongzhu eyes. Sometimes it's the look of someone remembering another time and place, memories that come in nightmares or terrible, uncontrollable flashes during the day. Other times is the intense, bittersweet veil of yearning. Yearning for what is just out of reach, what you cannot have even though you want it so, so badly. If they see each other, they'll talk. Lan-zongzhu never joins him on his veranda, mindful of how it would look to an outsider, but it's still enjoyable. They will eventually part ways and Wen Ning will go back inside to sleep. Usually he sleeps better after these talks.
All of these nightly rituals --eating, bathing, reading and writing his letters, sleeping-- he does alone. The only bed his husband sleeps in is the one he shares with Wei-gongzi. Without the moments Wen Ning steals with Lan-zongzhu and Wei-gongzi, he would have been driven to madness. Although Wen Ning is shy and introverted, he has never coped well with being alone. For his entire life he had his family surrounding him so, even if his peers didn’t like him, he still had support and love and affection. Now, he doesn’t even have that. With his marriage, he has guaranteed his family the protection of the Lan sect and they have settled outside Caiyi Town but nearby. Still, “nearby” is not the Cloud Recesses. “Nearby” is not close enough.
And Wen Ning is… he is lonely. He's lonely and sad and sometimes he just wants to curl up in a ball and cry. He wishes for his jiejie so he could put his head in her lap and she could brush his hair and offer him advice. He wishes Granny were there, to make him the congee she always made when he wasn’t feeling the best --physically or emotionally. But they aren't in Cloud Recesses with him and crying won’t make his situation any better. Don’t let them see you cry, A-Ning, his sister would tell him, They’ll see that as a weakness to exploit.
So he just… has to make do.