Chapter Text
Soap was always trying to prove himself. As the youngest candidate to pass SAS selection, he strove to model excellence. To be the perfect soldier that others could look up to.
It also meant that he was someone who took rules to heart. He couldn’t afford to make a mistake, worried that everyone would see him as the young man he was. Despite his accomplishments.
Everything that was drilled into him during boot camp was the foundation for his actions. The high stress environment teaching him that there would be severe consequences if he ever stepped out of line.
But where everyone else seemed to relax the longer they were in, taking some rules as more of a suggestion, Soap stayed on edge. Never cutting corners, never stepping out of line. The lessons instilled in him had firm roots in his mind.
So that's why Soap was at a complete loss when Ghost came to him one day, confessing his feelings for the man. Reciting, in detail, how much the sergeant meant to him and how he hoped they could become something more.
Soap knew about the rules on fraternization. Everyone did. It was one of the more firm rules that SAS had, and he could recall multiple occasions when someone he knew personally ended up being transferred or discharged due to a relationship between a superior and lower soldier.
He and Ghost were close. Though it had always been relatively easy for him to make friends, Soap could admit it was different with Ghost. They just clicked . He had never found it so easy to talk with another person before, doing practically everything together.
Both on and off the field.
Never bothering to put a name to whatever he felt towards Ghost, instead just taking comfort in the moments that they shared. After all, it was normal to be close with your team, especially one as small as the 141.
He just happened to take an extra liking to Ghost. That was all.
It was always clear, though, that Ghost was his senior officer. First and foremost. And that he needed to treat him as such. Soap never thought he had stepped out of line.
Yet, between the jokes they shared, the banter over comms…maybe he had been pushing that boundary a bit more than he was supposed to.
But that wouldn’t change anything. It couldn’t.
Soap would always fall back on the rules, fall back to be what was required of him. Staying in line is what had gotten him into one of the deadliest task forces in SAS.
Soap dreamed of a long career ahead of him, and he knew that fraternizing could jeopardize all of that.
So there was nothing he could do except try to explain his side of things and let Ghost down as gently as possible. He’d understand, right?
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Ghost, on the other hand, had known that he was in love with Soap since that night in Las Almas.
He had never felt such a strong regard for someone else’s safety before. As he led him through the rainy streets with nothing but his voice, the only thing on his mind was getting Johnny back alive.
No one had bothered to get to know him like Soap did.
Though they never mentioned it directly, the Scot always seemed to do little things to show that he cared. They weren’t much, but the private moments they shared meant a lot to him. And he felt that for the first time in a long time maybe he was capable of being loved.
He had spent most of his life bottling up his feelings, that was true. But in an occupation where they weren’t guaranteed to see the next day, he couldn’t imagine waiting any longer to tell Soap how he felt.
So he had poured his heart into the confession. Baring his soul to Soap in the purest way he knew how. Even going as far as practicing his speech for days ahead of time. He wanted the moment to be perfect, for Johnny to know exactly what he meant to him.
Soap had managed to break down every wall Ghost put up. Enough to resurrect Simon from the dead, after being buried away for years. The most vulnerable, core piece of himself brought back to life by Soap’s hand alone.
It was Simon here now. Looking to Soap with hope in his eyes as he waited for a response to his confession.
“Listen, sir.” Soap was shuffling back and forth, looking visibly nervous. “I appreciate the offer, I really do. But we all know superior officers can’t date beneath them.”
Simon cocked his head to the side, not expecting that to be his reasoning. Sure, that was a general rule. But each unit operated a bit differently, with some leeway available if both parties were serious. With the way they interacted, he had thought Soap was serious.
“Johnny, I-”
“We can’t, sir.” Soap cut him off. “You know the rules, it leads to an imbalance of power. I’d be pressured, with my career in your hands and all that…“
The words almost sounded methodical, like he was citing them by memory.
Simon stood frozen as he listened. Eyes wide. He had prepared himself for rejection, taking a while to face his fear and hype himself up enough to confess. Figuring that regardless of the outcome, he could at least get it off his chest.
But this?
Soap was saying that he didn’t feel comfortable around him. That he thought Ghost would take advantage of him.
How could he have been so stupid? Managing to misread everything that he had been through with Soap. Were they really nothing more than colleagues? Every past interaction they had flashed through his mind. Trying to figure out if he had been pushing himself on the other man without realizing.
And- oh god . Their conversations over comms had been completely unprofessional, hadn’t they? He had thought Soap was playing into it, the flirtations they threw back and forth.
But that clearly wasn’t the case. He must have just gone with it to placate Ghost - his superior officer.
Shit. He was going to be sick.
Ghost immediately backed up, straightening his posture and schooling his expression. Ignoring his heart as it broke for a reason he didn’t even foresee.
“I apologize, sergeant,” he whispered regretfully. How could he fix this? There was no way for him to take back what he had already done.
“It was never my intention to make you…” He paused, sighing. “It seems that I had misinterpreted our interactions, but I can assure you that it will not happen again. Regardless, I understand if you would like to request to work with a different Lieutenant going forward.” Ghost spoke civilly. Trying to be as professional as possible.
“Nah. It’s fine, LT.” Soap waved a dismissive hand in the air, voice quiet. “We can, uh, just pretend this never happened? I mean, you just get why I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing something like that, yeah? I can’t jeopardize my future here.”
Ghost did get it. That was the worst part of it all. Having Soap spell it out for him made him feel like a fool for never noticing it before. It stung knowing that the only reason he had gotten close to Soap was because the man was afraid of him.
Afraid of how, if he didn’t play along, Ghost could ruin his career on a whim.
Soap must want nothing to do with him after this.
And as they wrapped up the conversation, Ghost all but ran back to his room. Taking off his mask, he threw the fabric against the wall as soon as he entered. His back hit his mattress as he slid down to the floor, breaths becoming more rapid as he felt the telltale sign of a panic attack. Terrified that he genuinely manipulated Soap into being his…friend?
Making eye contact with himself in his full length mirror did little to help. Seeing nothing but his father staring back at him.
The man who had a reputation of taking advantage of others. Ghost - no, Simon - was no better than him. With how he’s been coercing Soap into interacting with him for who knows how many months. Everything he had been trying to outrun his entire life had finally caught up to him. Ghost should’ve known…when Simon came out, people got hurt.
He was vile, just like his father. God, he fucked everything up.
Ghost knew he was spiraling by now. That he was working himself up, putting words in Soap’s mouth as he imagined what it must have felt like for him. His vision grew dark, the sound of his beating heart flooding his ears.
He just couldn’t believe how blind he had been until now. Why else would Soap have been giving him the time of day? Everyone else knew to steer clear of the big, scary lieutenant.
He thought Soap had been different. An exception.
Believing that the Scot had genuinely wanted to spend time together. Of course it was only because Ghost was forcing the man to be around him. He should have known better. Was he so desperate for a friend that he used his higher status to pressure him into a relationship?
Bile rose in his throat as he scrambled to the toilet, leaning against it as he released the contents of his stomach. This was exactly why Simon stayed locked away. All of the human, emotional pieces of him served no other purpose but to cause more pain.
It was a mistake to let him out.
Whines left his mouth as Ghost worked through his panic alone. It was what someone like him deserved. He was disgusted with himself.
As he sat in the dark, head next to his toilet in shame, he decided that he’d stop by to see Price in the morning. He’d confess his transgressions, and report himself… maybe taking a step back from the team too?
Whatever punishment was necessary for what he must have put Soap through.