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A knock at your door stirs you from your daze. Your eyes focus on the leaves on the trees outside your window before you rise from your seat and shuffle your way towards the source of the noise. You take a deep breath, then open the door only to be greeted with a sight unlike what you were expecting.
“I’m terribly sorry to disturb you this early, I’m Lieutenant Columbo with the LAPD.” He doesn’t look like a police officer, you think to yourself, looking at his ruffled appearance. The man before you is short, with a mop of unruly brown curls atop his head and sporting a raincoat despite the warm summer weather. He looks tired and unshaven yet his eyes sparkle all the same. “Are you the person who made the call last night?” He continues.
“Ah, yes I am.” You introduce yourself. “Would you care to come in? I expect you have some questions for me.”
“Surely, thank you,” he smiles, and you let him into your small, one person apartment. You close the door and watch as the Lieutenant takes everything in, glancing about the place before his gaze settles on you.
“Now, I know that some officers were here last night. They must’ve asked you some questions already, and told you about the body that was found. All of that.” You nod, so he continues. “Well, I’m here to do a lot of the same. See if you remember any else, see if I can find out more information. It really shouldn’t take long.” You nod in understanding.
“Can I get you anything? You look like you could use a coffee…” you trail off.
“I could do with more than a coffee,” he says with a smile “But, that would do perfectly, thank you.” And with that you get to work at your counter. “I wouldn’t usually want to ask that of you, I’m already imposing on you as it is, but I wasn’t called in last night so instead I was called in this morning. And boy, is it ever early.”
“Oh, I really don't mind,” you assure, looking over at him. “I’m glad to have something to do.”
Columbo hums in acknowledgement, leaning against the other end of the counter and looking about. He begins asking you some questions, akin to or the same as the other officers had asked you the previous night. It felt tiresome to be repeating yourself like that, but something about the Lieutenant made it bearable. Maybe it was his voice… the tone with which he spoke.
“If you don’t mind me asking,” he continues, “what were you doing last night? Before you made the call.”
“Well,” you pause for a moment, thinking. “I got home at about eleven. I made myself something small to eat, then sat at my desk to work on some writing.”
“And do you write for a living?” At that you let out a small laugh. Columbo turns to face you, a curious expression painting his face.
“I wish I could, sir.” You smile. “But writing isn’t the most… shall we say, financially stable career choice. No, I work evenings down at the bar on the corner. Sometimes bartender, sometimes server. It depends on the night.” Columbo nods as you explain.
The kettle whistles, so you turn away from the lieutenant and tend to it. Pouring water into the mugs you’ve already prepared. “How do you take your coffee?”
“Just like that is fine, thank you.” You pass the steaming mug to him then bring your own up to your face, blowing at it lightly.
“May I ask, what is it that you write?”
At the question you look up at him through your eyelashes. You try not to reveal your nervousness, but your body begins to betray you. You place your mug down then look at Columbo clearly. Thankfully he is looking away from you and out into the main room. The layout of your place renders everything easily in view, except for the bedroom and bathroom, so although he is analyzing your less than clean living space, at least he isn’t analyzing you. Yet you can take him in. his rumpled coat clings to him, he is clearly affected by the heat yet doesn’t change his state of dress. You would question that fact if you yourself didn’t understand the appeal of a comfortable coat.
You’re stalling. You know you’re stalling, as you look at this beautiful stranger. Beautiful, you admit, and intriguing.
“Erotica,” you finally reply, your voice thankfully more confident than you are. Why are you telling Columbo this? you ask yourself.
The Lieutenant stares blankly at nothing for a few seconds. “Uhm… what, sorry?” He looks at you now, his mouth agape in a sort of half smile of disbelief.
Letting out a nervous laugh and trying not to combust in front of this man you’d just met, you reply “I write erotica, Lieutenant.”
He seems to mouth the word rather than saying it, an ever confounded smile on his face. “I wasn’t expecting that,” he chuckles, closing his eyes and showing off the crinkle of his crows feet as he smiles into it. “Interesting stuff. I bet it’s quite popular.” Columbo looks away again, taking a sip of his coffee. “Could I take a look at your typewriter?”
“By all means.” You reply, before remembering that you hadn’t had the chance to clean off your desk yet. Last night’s rough draft still litters the surface. What are you doing? you ask yourself before following Columbo to your desk in the corner. He bends so he’s at eye level with the typewriter, grumbling something to himself. You try not to stare at his rump as you approach the desk alongside him.
“Beautiful machine,” he mumbles once you’re within eyesight.
“Hardly.” Your heart is pounding as you glance at the half-written scene on the page in the paper bail in clear view. “It’s the cheapest machine I could find that still had all the keys,” you say, trying to draw him into conversation and away from your frankly embarrassing past time.
He nods absentmindedly. “You must do some nice writing with it though.” The Lieutenant stands upright, seemingly stuck in thought. You notice him glancing over the papers on the desk and pausing. “You know… I could use some literary recommendations.”
The silence is nerve wracking. You can’t tell if he meant to say that aloud or not.
“Lieutenant… Are you asking me to recommend some erotica to you?” you say, raising your eyebrows. ”That hardly seems professional.”
He faces you but doesn’t look at you, his cheeks red, smile nervous, eyes sparkling as always. “Oh… no you’re right. That was… er that was very unprofessional of me. I guess I got a little carried away,” he laughs nervously. “Let me get out of your hair…”
“In any event, I am willing to provide,” you say quickly before you can think the better of it, and by god are you glad that you did. The man before you is beautiful, his face red and covered in a faint sheen of sweat. You think it suits him. A devilish smile paints your face, and you walk to the other side of the room to your bookshelf, beckoning for Columbo to follow.
“Oh you don’t have to do this... It was my mistake to ask in the first place.” Though he says this, you see him eyeing the bookshelf with barely concealed interest.
“What kind of man are you, Columbo?” You ask, growing comfortably confident. “What are you looking for in an erotica?” You watch as he closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath.
He clears his throat, then starts “I’m not sure, I’m new to this. I’m looking… well uhh… I’m looking for something that gets the imagination going. Something that could... you know... surprise me.”
“Something that could surprise you…” you repeat aloud, now skimming through the books on the shelf. You can’t believe what you’re doing. You see a good few titles, but you need more to go on. “Give me a word. Something more to work with.”
“A word?” You hear his voice right over your shoulder, closer to you than he has been yet. “Okay, hmm… let’s see. How about… forbidden?” He says, voice low and gravely.
At that you turn to look back at him. Your eyes staring into his own, looking for… what are you looking for? Desire? You might be getting desperate, looking for that in a stranger’s eyes. Columbo’s expression is unreadable to you, nothing you can discern but gentle nervousness. You look back to the shelf, mentally scolding yourself. You start dragging your finger along the book spines and pick out a few good titles, then turn, books in hand and walk towards the desk again, noting how the Lieutenant follows you like a lost puppy.
“You know, you’ve gotten me curious.” He watches as you lay out the volumes, organizing them into small piles. “Why… are you doing this?” He sounds unsure of himself.
You find no reason to stop playing along. “It's not every day a handsome stranger comes into my apartment… asking me questions about my writing.” You take another moment, then look up at him. “I'm just trying to help you out where I can.”
And he looks up at you and oh are his eyes sparkling. He smiles and says “A handsome stranger…” as though he’s never been called such a thing. His eyes crinkle as he chuckles softly and oh does your heart swell in your chest. “You certainly know how to charm a man. You’re definitely helping me out, believe me.”
You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in, shaking and not at all helping your situation. He’s the one who’s charmed you, you think. And it’s not like you haven’t done this before. Flirted with a stranger. Gotten their face red and head spinning. So… why are you reacting like this now of all times? This Lieutenant is something special.
“Here’s what I’ve picked out for you,” you manage to say without stuttering despite your current mental turmoil. “Two written by me, two written by a friend, and two personal favourites.” You place your hand on the piles as you speak, then collect them all into one pile and hand it out towards Columbo. “Here.”
“That’s uh… that is six books.” He sounds hesitant. “It wouldn’t feel right taking all those.”
“I’m only lending them to you, Lieutenant. That way I'll be able to see you again,” you bow your head slightly, urging him to accept. “And, if you find them any good, I can point you in the direction of the nearest bookstore,” you end with a warm smile.
“You got me there,” he chuckles, taking the small pile of books from your hands and pressing them between his arm and his side. “Though, I still feel like I should pay you for these.”
“And uh, how exactly do you intend to… pay me?” You ask, you suggest, finally feeling a heat rise to your ears.
Columbo stares at you, dumbfounded for the umpteenth time and yet it's stunning all the same. “It wasn't... like that, I swear. I meant it, as a... as a payment, something with... monetary value. Like cash?” He sounds out of breath.
Something compels you and you lean forwards, whispering into his ear that “Of course you did, Columbo. Life isn’t like one of those novellas, afterall.”
You could swear that his body was shaking. “Of course not, no. That would be…” he cuts himself off.
“Will that be all?” You say after a moment, having moved away from him, placing your hand lightly onto his shoulder.
“I uh, I suppose I’ve taken up enough of your time, haven’t I.” He looks up at you through his eyelashes and you swear, you could fall to your knees right there. But, you’ve shown restraint thus far… maybe next time, you remind yourself.
Columbo is pliant as you lead him towards the door and you try not to think about it too hard.
“Ah, just one more thing” he says once you’ve both reached the front door, turning to face you again. You nod for him to continue. “Your erotica,” he says the word quietly, like he’s embarrassed about it and he speaks slowly, like he’s choosing his words with great care, “is it inspired by your… encounters?”
You can’t help but smirk, enamoured by his question, his embarrassment, his careful speech. “Lieutenant, if you want to appear in my next novella you’ve got to be a little patient.” You see something in his eyes that you can’t quite discern. Something flickers within him, and you want to learn what it is. You need it.
“Well then, I really should get going,” he says, bowing his head.
“It was nice meeting you, Columbo,” you say honestly, not allowing yourself to mess up the goodbye.
“I’ll see you around,” he says his farewell, all but whispering your name in a way that you will replay in your mind for a while. You open the door and watch as he walks away down the hall. You return to your kitchen, putting your face in your hands as you groan, face heating unbelievably now that you’re alone.
You pull your hands away to reach for your long forgotten coffee. It’s cold. You take Columbo’s mug to the sink only to notice that it’s still half full. You wonder how he’ll make it through the day, then groan at yourself for wondering. You’re a wreck, you tell yourself with a shy smile.
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[post credits scene.]
The Lieutenant is practically glowing as he gets into his car, books spilling onto the passenger seat. He sits at the wheel for a moment, staring at nothing and thinking of everything that transpired in that apartment. He knows he’s on a case right now but… that writer surely charmed him. He doesn’t know when he’ll have the time to read, but… he looks over at the books, picking one up and turning it over in his hands. He is completely frozen when he looks at the cover, questioning how he’d never noticed it before.
“Cherry and Lace” the title reads, and just below it is a raunchy watercolour painting of two lovers. Columbo’s eyes widen as he looks on.
You never told him you posed for the cover artwork.