Chapter Text
Josh couldn't help but remember when he first met Sam.
At the time they were both kids, just children naive to the terrors the world would soon bestow upon them. At the time she was also just one of his sisters' annoying friends. But as time past, Sam stuck around and was a bit of stability in all of the Washingtons' lives.
Even as a child Josh suffered from depression, but it was easier back then.
Wake up and get handed pills at breakfast, go through the day and get handed pills to take before bed, but that was before his father rose to fame, back when his parents still had time for him and his sisters. After his father's breakthrough there were times his parents were gone days or even weeks on end, and he just forgot to take his meds. As he grew up and matured he became more responsible with his own medication and barely skipped days.
Even though he was sick he could be happy, he could let himself be happy. With his sisters, Sam, and Chris by his side he had never been happier. He and his sisters had always been close, much closer than most siblings, he guesses it's because their parents are never home so they're the only family they got.
But then it all went away.
When he woke up that night, after passing out, he knew something was wrong. When Sam came up to him with tears, replacing the otherwise constant gleam in her eyes, his heart broke. But when they told him what happened, he felt as if most of him died with his sisters that night, he could feel himself losing his ever constant fight with his mind, he could feel himself slipping, falling, losing his grip on reality. He couldn't breath, his chest felt as if it was crushing him. His heart was beating way to fast to be healthy. He was in so much pain it was blinding, but what hurt the most was the burning sensation on his skin when anyone other than Sam touched him.
Part of him was angry. Angry at the others for causing his sisters deaths.
Part of him knew. Knew that thay would never mean any harm to his sisters.
Part of him was tired. Tired of fighting with his mind.
But the biggest part of his mind was just filled with hate. Hate torwards himself, for not being able to save them, hate torwards Sam for not being fast enough to warn Hannah, hate torwards everyone, torwards everything because none of it was fair. Because he had lost everything that night.
He has mostly forgotten the detalis of that night, but he remembers clearly how he begged Sam to not leave him. And it might have sounded simple but the meaning behind it was much deeper. He didn't wan't to lose her too. He knew that if she was gone, he would break into pieces so small that he would be dust, and soon he would just fade. Fade into nothing.
He also remembers Sam just sitting with him and holding him. He was clutching on to her as if she was his life, and in a way she was. He was crying into her shoulder for hours until the police seperated them for questioning.
The following year Sam had saved his life multiple times by just being Sam. He didn't know when he realized but, Sam wasn't the little girl Beth and Hannah dragged in through the door all those years ago.
The following year was also the year he fell in love with Sam.
He fell in love with her mind, her smile, her hair. He fell in love with the way her eyes lit up everytime she saw him. The way she held herself, and didn't let anyone make choices for her. The way she defended him and all of those she cared about. He fell in love with the way she loved others, the way she loved him.
He never told her or anyone else, because sometimes he didn't even know if she was real. On some of his worst days, his mind twisted everything he knew, he saw Hannah and Beth telling him it was his fault, he saw Chris taunting him, and all of the others laughing at him spiraling further down in his insanity. But he never saw Sam.
Not once. She was too perfect. His mind couldn't even find a way to twist her beauty. His nightmares couldn't consist of Sam because it would no longer be a nightmare, but just a good dream.
Because of this he thought she was to good to be true, or at least ways to good for him.
Sometimes he was scared beacuse he didn't know if he actually loved her, or if he loved the idea of loving someone and being loved back, or if he was just clinging on to the closest thing to his sisters he could ever get anymore.
So he never told anyone that he loved her, but as madness and hunger took over his mind completely just to fall to a beast, his last thought were just of Sam and the happier times.
So he never told her that he loved her, but she knew. She always had.