Chapter Text
I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping. Immediately I tensed and reached for my bow, and the knife that I kept in my belt. Instead of the Capitol metal, I found bed sheets. I sat up quickly and looked around, chest heaving. Oh. Right. I'm home.
Well, not home. Home was back in the Seam. Not this house in the Victor's village. Not this room that I've only lived in for a few days. Today was the first day I'd been able to sleep in. I took in the minimal decorations, the white curtains that had gentle sun streaming in, and sighed. The first few days back had been so hectic. There had been ceremonies and dances and photographs and interviews. I'd barely had a moment to myself. Last night the cameras had finally left, and I was given my freedom. And I knew exactly the first thing I wanted to do.
I sat up, and swung my legs out of bed. I dug out an old pair of pants, and my hunting jacket. I hurried down the stairs, skipping breakfast in my excitement to get back to my comfort place. My mother was in town, and Prim was at school. The house was empty but clean. The furniture was fancy, not as expensive as the Capitol, but miles above what anyone in District 12 would normally be able to afford. We were finally all moved in. My mother was trying to make it feel as much like home as possible. Prim was ecstatic to have her own room that was so big. My mother was ecstatic to have room for all of her herbs and medicines. I seemed to be the only one who missed the old house.
I walked as quickly as I could through District 12 without drawing any attention. That was hard to do these days, so I took a couple of back streets and shortcuts that I remembered from my childhood.
Still, I reached the familiar place at the fence in record time. I listened for the hum that was absent before ducking under the fence. I hurried to the tree line. I found my bow in the same spot that I'd left it all of those weeks ago on the day of the reaping. I grabbed the quiver of arrows from under a pile of dead leaves and swung it over my shoulder. The feeling in my hand made me feel more like myself than I had since Prim's name had been called.
I walked through my woods, grinning from ear to ear. The trees surrounded me like a hug, and the wind rustled my hair comfortably. I shot a rabbit, straight through the eye, and hung him over my shoulder. I spent the next few hours simply sitting in peace. I reveled in the feeling of being alone in my comfort area.
My stomach growled eventually. I looked around to find a bush of berries. I picked a few and then sat down to eat them. As I looked at them, I remembered the berries that had saved Peeta and I. I remembered the way we had fully committed to death. We'd spit them out in time. Foxface hadn't. My stomach turned. I threw the berries away. I didn't want them anymore. I shoved the images of the dead tributes out of my head.
Suddenly the woods looked a little more sinister, the trees looming over me like a memory I'd rather forget. I figured I should head back anyway. I made my way to the edge of the forest and stored my bow in the same nook of a tree. I buried my quiver of arrows down under the base. Out of habit, after crossing under the fence, I found my feet heading to my old house.
I pushed open the creaky door when I arrived. I looked around at the dust covered furniture. I shrugged off my jacket. I hung it on the door, deciding that I would keep it there where it belonged. The house was too quiet. It felt dead. The few pictures that we’d had were gone, my mother had taken them to our new house, so the walls were bare. I went to my old room, but felt like an intruder, so I went back outside. Then, I took my rabbit a few houses over to Gale's house. My family didn't need it, and I didn't need to trade it for money. Gale probably wouldn't love me feeding his family while he was at work, but I didn't care. Hazel opened the door.
"Katniss! So good to see you," she exclaimed, "Gale's at work I'm afraid. The kids are at school."
"That's alright," I said as she hugged me, "I brought a rabbit."
"Oh bless you girl," Hazel said, taking the rabbit without arguments. Hazel wasn't too proud to feed her family, "I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you," I said, touched. I knew she didn't mean the rabbit. Many people had said this to me over the past few days. They were proud that someone, two people, from District 12 had finally won the games. It had rejuvenated the district, and made them hopeful again.
"Well don't let me keep you, I'm sure you're very busy," Hazel said suddenly. That was the other thing. People always assumed I was somehow different. Busier. Someone with better things to do now that I was rich and famous. I didn't want to impose on her either, so I nodded and left.
I made my way slowly back to the Victor's Village. I didn't have anything to do. I didn’t have school or a job. I didn’t have a photoshoot or an interview to be at either. It was past lunch time now, my mother would be home. I didn't know how to talk to her, but then again, I never had.
I could go talk to Haymitch, but he was probably drinking. It was well-earned. He deserved whatever he wished for after getting Peeta and I home.
I could talk to Peeta. That was a whole box hat I still needed to unpack. I sat down on a bench outside of the Victor's Village.
I didn't know how I felt about Peeta. I know I didn't feel the way that I'd had to pretend to survive. I'd played it up for the cameras. I didn't feel bad about it, we were alive. But I did worry about his feelings. Based on his comments on the train, I wasn't sure how strong or real his were. I was also worried that I'd hurt him when I'd suggested we try to forget everything.
On the one hand I did want to forget everything. On the other, I didn't think I could. And, if I was being honest, what I felt for Peeta wasn't nothing. There had been something real in those kisses we'd shared, especially at the end. There had been something real in the way I'd held on to him on those rainy days. I'd drawn strength from him as we dealt with the circus that came after we won the games.
Part of me wanted to pursue things. But I didn't know how. I didn't want to hurt him even more. I didn't know if I had any emotional capacity to deal with any of this right now. The games still didn't feel real to me. How was I supposed to figure out if my feelings were real? If his were? Did I even know him? Would he even like me outside of the context of the games?
That was another thing. I didn't want to only know him through the games. I hated that the beginnings of any potential relationship we would have would always be marred by the gruesome memory of dead children. I wasn't sure if I could get past that. I wasn't sure if he had thought of it.
"Katniss."
I blinked and found the subject of my thoughts standing right in front of me. Hair golden in the sun, dressed up in his old clothes, the same as me. His face was still sun-kissed from the arena, as mine was. He didn't have his cane today; he no longer needed it to walk.
"Peeta," I said politely, "Sorry, I was lost in thought."
"I can see that," he said with his kind and familiar smile that made my heart flutter, "What have you been up to today?"
"I went to the woods, I shot a rabbit," I said, "What about you?"
"I went to my family's shop. Frosted some cakes," he said with a wry grin. I remembered all of our jokes about the cakes during the tribute training. I smiled softly. He sat next to me. "It's weird, isn't it?"
I nodded, "I don't really know what to do now."
"I know, me neither," he said softly. And Peeta did know what it was like. It wasn't an empty sympathy. If anyone knew, it was him. Maybe Haymitch would know too. I sat back and looked at Peeta as he stared out over the village. The leaves were falling as autumn approached. I looked forward to the cool weather.
"How's your family?" I asked quietly. They weren’t staying with him. They wanted to stay close to their shop, which meant Peeta was all alone in his big house. I’d sensed some tension between them in the few times we’d all met since we’d been back.
"They're alright, they're happy I'm back of course, but I don't think they really know what to say to me," Peeta said with a sigh, "I don't blame them. I don't know what to say to them."
"I don't know what to say to anyone," I said before I could stop myself. He looked at me now.
"Katniss, you don't have to say the right thing to me, you know that? You don't owe me anything," he said.
"But," I paused, "There are things that I want to say, but I'm not sure about them."
I knew it was weak. I knew that it didn't make sense. But Peeta waited patiently for me to explain.
"I- I know I said I wanted to forget everything," I said, "But I can't do that. And- I don't know if-."
I floundered, but Peeta didn't make fun of me or interrupt. He let me figure out my thoughts.
"How real was it for you?" I finally blurted out.
"Us?" Peeta checked. I nodded, my heart beating rapidly. "Well, I know we were playing things up a bit for the cameras and sponsors. But it was mostly real Katniss."
"Okay," I breathed, "Okay."
"And you?"
"I- I've never done this before," I said, "I've never had feelings for anyone before. I'm so confused Peeta. And I'm sorry that I can't be more certain about this for you. I know- I know that I feel something for you. I do. But I'm just so, I don't want to mess this up."
Peeta took my hand and squeezed it, and I instantly stopped my rambling.
"I understand. You don't have to know, there's a lot to process. I don't want to stress you out even more," Peeta said, "All I need to know is if you want to pursue this. I don't want to pressure you. I don't want to ignore you, but I can if that's what you want. If you need time-"
"No," I broke in, "Please don't go away."
"Okay," he said, "What do you want then?"
"I just, I feel so selfish asking this, but can we just pause for a second," I asked, feeling a bit unhinged, "I want to make sure we're doing this right. I want to make sure it's real. And I don't want it to be for the Capitol. I don't want 'us' to be about the games."
Peeta nodded, "I agree. We can take a step back. Get to know each other. Be friends. And then, if it's still there, we can pursue it."
I breathed out a big sigh of relief, "Thank you."
"You don't need to be afraid of me, or 'us'," Peeta said, "Don't worry about it. No pressure okay?"
"Okay," I said. I felt like that was at least one of the weights of my chest, "Friends."
"Friends." Peeta agreed with a genuine smile, "And as your friend, I'd like to ask how you're doing otherwise?"
I sighed and ran one hand over my braid from the night before.
"I suppose I'm alright." I said, "There's just so much to think about."
"I know what you mean," Peeta nodded, "Sometimes it doesn't feel like it ever happened and then sometimes I swear I'm still there."
"Exactly," I agreed, "It feels surreal. Like the cameras are gone. It's supposed to be normal now."
"But it's not," Peeta finished.
"But it's not." I repeated.
"I don't think it will ever be the same as it was, unfortunately," Peeta said thoughtfully.
"I think you're right," I murmured.
We sat in silence, basking in the sun for a long while. Eventually I saw Prim walking down the lane. Her book bag was swinging from her shoulders. She’d grown up a lot while I was gone, but she was still young, her steps were still full of a youthful bounce.
"Done with school?" I asked when she was near.
"Yes," she answered, looking between the two of us with a curious smile.
"What year are you?" Peeta asked.
"Seventh now," Prim said proudly, "It's so cool that you two don't have to finish your last two years."
"Yes, it's made it all worth it," I joked, but it was strained. Peeta covered for me before it could get awkward.
"I saw your cat this morning," he told Prim. "Buttercup, right?"
"Yes, he's my baby," Prim said fondly, "He's not too sure of the new house yet."
"He'll get there, we all have to adjust," Peeta said kindly. It was moments like these that made me feel like my feelings for him were very real. It was the nights and my moments alone that made me question it.
"Well, I should probably get back and start dinner," Prim decided, "Katniss, what did you get for lunch? Are there leftovers?"
"Oh, um I was in the woods, so I forgot, I can run to town and get something," I said sheepishly. Peeta let out a disproving breath of air and Prim shook her head.
"No, no, we have enough," Prim said, "But you should really make sure you don't forget. You need to gain back the weight that you lost. You too Peeta."
After her instructions, she turned and left.
"Yes ma'am," Peeta said with a laugh, "She's precious."
"She is," I said with a warm smile. I had never regretted my decision to volunteer, not once. Prim was a rare light in this world. I would do it all again, just for her.
"Well, I should let you go," Peeta said, "I'll see you soon though. I was thinking maybe the three of us should do weekly dinners, with Haymitch I mean."
"That's a good idea," I said honestly.
"Alright, I'll set something up, maybe I'll give you a call," Peeta said with a smile.
"Oh yes, I haven't gotten to use the phone yet," I joked. We'd never had a phone in our old house. Only the mayor had one. And the victors.
"Okay then, I'll make sure I'm the first," he joked back, and then turned to go to his house. I turned to go to mine.
I helped Prim set the table. My mother was helping her in the kitchen. We sat down to eat, and my mother said a quick prayer to thank the higher powers that I was home and alive and that we were blessed with food. As I ate, I chatted with my mother and Prim about their days. I told them how I went to the woods, and that I'd said hi to Hazel.
"And I caught her on a date with Peeta," Prim chimed in.
"It wasn't a date, we were just talking," I defended.
"Sure," she teased. I stuck my tongue out at her.
"Girls," my mother lightly reprimanded, but she was smiling. I wondered how she felt about Peeta. They'd met a few times over the last few days, but only in front of cameras or when we were being shuffled to and from events. Peeta had been his usual charming self, so I felt that it had gone well, but I didn't actually know.
When we were done eating, we cleared the plates and did the dishes together. As we did so, I became aware of a new uncomfortable feeling in my belly. I was full, and for the first time, I didn't like it. I didn't know why. But my full stomach felt unnatural. It made me feel guilty. I went upstairs to shower to try to figure out why.
I had been hungry before the games. I was always hungry during the games. Maybe being full made me feel like I was in the Capitol.
I shrugged and set about washing my hair. I would have to get over it. It wasn't worth any thought. After my shower, I looked in the mirror. My eyes looked older. My hair was longer than it had ever been. My skin was darker from the sun. My ribs were still showing, but not as much as they had been directly after the games. My hips were visible, but they were also not as prominent as they had been. I was still unused to the scarless and hairless skin in front of me. Hair would start to grow back, but the scars would never return. I didn't know if I liked that or if I hated it.
I toweled off and dressed in comfy pjs. I joined Prim and my mother in the living room where we sat in front of the fire. My mother was teaching Prim to knit, and I simply observed. I relished the peace and tried to make myself feel normal. I felt a bit like an imposter. Like I was not the Katniss who they thought I was. I was different, and no longer fit in there. I had killed people. Children. It wasn't natural for someone like me to sit here and enjoy these normal things with them.
As the night went on, I kept checking the door. I checked the windows with my eyes.
"Katniss," my mother said softly, "You're safe here, no one's going to come in."
I blushed at having been caught. I knew that. I did. But there was an impending feeling of danger that was growing stronger as the sky outside grew darker. I knew it was stupid.
"I know," I said. My mother gave me a sympathetic smile. I hated it. Prim looked on worriedly. I hated that more, "I'm just tired. I think I'll go up to bed."
"Alright, goodnight dear."
"Goodnight Katniss."
"Goodnight Prim, mom," I said and then stood and made my way to my room. I wasn't tired. I was on edge. I looked out my window, scanning the ground outside to reassure myself that everything was okay.