This Love

by redclovers

Summary:

This Love is my version of Belly and Conrad growing back together as adults. Picking up years after Belly and Jeremiah's ill-fated wedding. Belly has made peace with one of the Fisher boys, but her and Conrad have been dancing around each other for years. When Steven and Taylor announce their engagement, and ask Belly and Conrad to be their maid of honor and best man, the two are forced to reconnect.
Will they find their way back together, or mess everything up again?

Notes:

Thank you for reading! It has honestly been years since I have written fanfiction, but I can't get this series out of my head. I thought I would give an extended version to Belly and Conrad's relationship rebuilding as adults. Slight canon divergence, as the letters aren't a huge part of this story. Spoilers for those who haven't read the series.

I appreciate any feedback - please be sure to follow along, as this story is no where near finished.

:)

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

‘Clear blue water
High tide came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will
Skies grew darker
Currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone’
-This Love, Taylor Swift

 

“I still can’t believe this,” Belly gushed, holding Taylor’s left hand between her own. A large, emerald cut diamond now lived on her best friend’s left ring finger. Taylor’s eyes narrowed at Belly and she pulled her hand back to her lap, suddenly self conscious. “Hey, not in a bad way. We’re going to be sisters!”

“You don’t think we’re too young?” Taylor asked, twirling the ring with her thumb. Belly couldn't help but laugh at the questions. Taylor and Steven had been together for almost nine years and would be far from the first of their friends to get married. 

“Not at all, we’re twenty five. You’ve both finished school and have good careers.” Belly said, pausing only for a sip of her white wine, “Plus, after my almost wedding at eighteen, I don’t think anyone will have anything to say about this.”

“They better not,” Steven walked through the archway connecting the kitchen and living room and planted a soft kiss on the side of Taylor’s face. Belly’s stomach flipped at the sweetness of it all, the serendipity of her best friend and her brother. Two people who were able to stick it out and make it work. 

“You’ll be my maid of honor, right?” It was so like Taylor to just blurt it out, casually. 

“Duh,” It didn’t even really need to be asked, they’d been planning this since long before they ever thought to start considering who the groom would be. “Who's going to be your best man, Steven?” She bet he hadn’t even started to consider any of the actual wedding planning. 

“Uh, I asked Conrad actually.” Steven said, scratching the back of his neck. Taylor turned her head around and looked at him surprised. 

“But,” Taylor said quickly, “If that’s going to be weird for you he can ask someone else. Someone whose last name isn’t Fisher.”

“No, I can’t.” Steven crossed his arms, “Conrad and Jere are like my brothers, I’m not having anyone else be my best man. I already asked Con last night.”

Taylor opened her mouth to argue, but Belly stood and put an arm around Steven’s shoulders. “Really guys, it’s completely fine. They’re our best friends, we grew up together. It won’t be weird. Me and Jere are on great terms, I’ve…communicated with Conrad here and there and, you know, it’s been a long time. We’re all past all that messy stuff…”

“Just as long as you’re not trying to play cupid. Let Belly be.” Taylor said, shaking her finger firmly like a grade school teacher at Steven.

Steven put his hands up, as if to say ‘I’m innocent’. 

“Everything is going to be fine.” Belly said again, although she wasn’t sure if it was Taylor or herself that she was trying to convince.

---

Two weeks later Belly’s phone lit up on her desk while she was in the middle of a meeting with one of her student’s parents. She glanced down automatically, and then quickly did a double take at the name on her screen. “Sorry,” She said sheepishly, flipping her phone face down.

A half hour later, her student’s mom was thanking her and heading out of the office with a stack of pamphlets on local SAT prep courses. It was Belly’s first year officially working as a high school guidance counselor, and although some days were more challenging than others she was finally starting to feel like she was making headway. 

As soon as the door to Belly’s office shut she reached for her phone, her heartbeat hammering through her throat. How was it that Conrad still had this effect on her, even after all this time? With time and distance, she thought maybe her feelings had finally started to dwindle away. 

Losing Jeremiah had been hard in its own way. But, it hadn’t taken them long to heal or for the feelings to fade. They had found their way back to friendship, and that’s all that it was now. There wasn’t anything lingering romantically on either side. She had even spent time with Jere and his new girlfriend, Samantha. He seemed happy, and she was genuinely thankful for that. 

Conrad was different. Conrad was burrowed so deeply in her heart that even after all this time she still dreamt of him and of what could have been if they hadn’t made such a mess of everything. It was too late now, she knew that much. She had her chance and she turned him down. Plus, she had almost ruined his relationship with Jeremiah. She wasn’t sure if the brothers would survive her stirring up any past resentments. 

She was done being selfish, which meant she had to be done mooning over Conrad Fisher. With a deep, calming breath she flipped her phone over and unlocked the screen. She had two messages from Conrad. 

 

Conrad: Congrats maid of honor

 

Then another a few minutes later:

 

Conrad: thinking we should meet up to discuss bachelor/bachelorette parties? Steven mentioned they want a joint party

 

Belly inhaled another deep breath. Right. He was reaching out because of the wedding, that’s all. She could easily spend time with Conrad and keep the focus on Steven and Taylor. There was no need to panic or get her feelings involved, this was purely…platonic. 

 

Belly: Same to you best man ;)

 

Oh god, she started to second guess the winky face the second she hit send. 

 

Belly: Meet up? Like facetime?

 

The last Belly had heard, Conrad had started his first year of residency in Los Angeles. She had settled down back in Philly after graduation, so unless he was implying one of them fly across the country over party planning she was pretty sure he was asking to schedule a call. 

The three dots popped up a second later, he was already typing a response.

 

Conrad: I’m in town next week for a conference. Was thinking we could grab lunch. 

 

It was just lunch with her brother’s best man to plan a party. That much she could handle. 

 

Belly: Sure, what day?

---

They saw each other at the same time, eyes catching from across the restaurant. Of course he was early, of course he was already seated when she walked in six minutes later than the time they had agreed to meet. 

He stood as she made her way across the room, between tables and chairs and waiters until she was standing in front of him. His eyes were so warm, it felt like the sun was shining on her face. She could feel a blush creep up her chest and across her cheeks just at the sight of him. 

The last time she saw him was on the fourth of July the summer prior. It was tradition, the one time out of the year that the Conklins and Fishers all gathered. An unspoken agreement, a tradition held to honor Susannah.

Even though they spent the Fourth together, they hadn't actually talked. They had simply orbited around each other, avoiding conversation and time alone. Conrad had only been able to stay the one night, and he had left early in the morning without saying goodbye. 

Even though it hadn’t even been a full year since the last time they’d seen each other, she noticed small differences in his appearance. His hair was cut slightly shorter than usual, his face was scruffy, and he looked bigger. More muscular. More like a grown man. She wondered if she looked different to him, or if he would always see her as the mess of a girl she once was.

“Belly,” He smiled in greeting, “You look different.” 

She was definitely blushing now. Could he read her mind? He leaned toward her and gave her a side hug. 

“Hey,” She said to the side of his face, “It has been a while.”

She felt him exhale as they pulled apart, “It has,” a beat passed between them as they sat down across from one another, “It’s not a bad kind of different, by the way. You still look…like you. You just look like a real grown up.”

“Well, I could say the same thing about you.” She pointed at his face, and he absently ran a hand down his facial scruff. 

“Touche.” He smiled, “You’ve been good?”

It was more of a statement. She knew he was still talking to Laurel regularly and had asked about her frequently. 

“Yeah, I’ve almost made it through my first school year as a guidance counselor. A few more weeks and it’s summer vacay.”

“Will you spend it in Cousins?” He looked at her, waiting for an answer but she wasn’t sure of what to say. She wasn’t even sure what her answer would be dependent on. When she didn’t answer he continued, “You know, the house is as much yours as mine or Jere’s. That’s what my mom would’ve wanted. I hope you and Steven know you’re welcome to come and go whenever you’d like. You still have your key?"

“Yeah, I do. I’m just…I don’t know what I’m doing yet.” 

“Jere is traveling with Samantha this summer, so they won’t be there much if that’s…awkward or hard for you.”

She realized then that he had no idea how she felt. How did he still not get it, after everything? After all that time, she realized, Conrad still had no idea that he was her whole heart. That he always had been, that she had no idea how to let go or move forward with anyone else. 

“No, Conrad, that isn’t a problem at all. Me and Jere are good, like more than good.” She bit her lip and contemplated her next words, “I don’t think I’ve ever actually apologized to you for how messy things got between all of us. I’m really sorry that I hurt you.”

“Hey, Belly, it’s ancient history. We were kids.” He looked at his water glass and smirked, “If you and Jere can be friends, then I think we can too. I don’t want to do this dance anymore. I just want my best friend back.”

“Really?” The idea of moving forward as adults and putting everything from before behind them sounded exactly like what Belly needed. If they could rebuild their friendship as adults, maybe they could finally heal from their teenage years. Maybe her heart could finally find a way to move on. 

“Really. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” He smiled so warmly at her, his eyes melting her already burning face. 

“Okay, deal. Friends.” She held up her hand and tried to hide the way it was trembling. 

“Friends.” He repeated back, extending his hand across the table to shake her own. She hoped he didn’t notice how clammy her hand was as he shook it. 

They ordered their food and talked about how happy they were for Steven and Taylor. How weird it was that they were adults now, no longer fledgling birds. They had all left the nest, wings spread wide and flying high.

Belly found out that while Conrad was in Philadelphia for a medical conference, he would soon be moving back to the east coast for good. He had been accepted into an oncology residency program at a woman’s hospital in Boston, and would be completing his residency there.

“Conrad, that is amazing. Like, truly amazing.” Belly gushed, pushing her plate away from her. “I can’t believe my mom didn’t tell me about that. Susannah would be so proud of you.”

Eventually, the conversation turned back to the upcoming wedding and their duties as best man and maid of honor.

“The reason I asked if you’re planning on spending your summer in Cousins is actually because, well, I was thinking we’d throw the party there. Make a big weekend of it.”  Their server had just cleared their plates, and refilled their glasses of wine.

“That’s a good idea, actually. Romantic,” She was feeling warm everywhere now, which was a sure sign that the wine was getting to her head, “Their relationship did start in Cousins after all.”

“It did.” He took a sip of his wine, and she wasn’t sure whose relationship they were talking about anymore. “My residency in California ends in early June, and the program in Boston doesn’t start until the end of August.”

“I see.”

“I’m going to spend the summer at the house in Cousins. It might be the last time I get a whole summer off until I retire.” He joked, “I was thinking, the house is so big. You have the summer off too, and it would be easier for us to plan the party together - in person.”

“Yeah,” She agreed without actually thinking. It was like an automated response. 

“So you’ll come?” His hand slowly reached across the table toward her and he nudged her hand softly and then retreated. 

“I mean…” She was more than a little buzzed at this point, “Why not? A whole summer in Cousins. It’ll be like old times.”

“I hope so.” He smiled toward her hands, as if he was unable to meet her eyes. 

The server brought their check and Conrad quickly handed over his card, silently declining Belly’s protests to pay for half. 

“This was nice.” Belly declared as they stepped out of the restaurant. The air was cool and it bit at her warm cheeks. Flushed from the wine, flushed from her emotions, from being so close to Conrad again. 

“You sound surprised.” He laughed, sticking his hands in his pockets as if he was unsure what else to do with them.

“I am.” She admitted with a laugh and started to stumble slightly. 

“Oh boy, Belly. I don’t think you can drive home, You’re still a light weight, I see.” Conrad put an arm around her shoulder to steady her. 

“Oh god, I’m sorry. This is embarrassing.” She put her hands over her eyes.

“Come on, it’s me. Remember when you pooped in the tub? Getting wine tipsy at dinner is probably the least embarrassing thing I’ve seen you do.”

“Ha. Ha.” She poked him in the ribs, jokingly. He still had an arm draped across her shoulders, although the fresh air seemed to be sobering her up and she was steady on her feet now. 

“I’ll order us each an Uber.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, and she noticed that his lockscreen was the view from the end of the dock at the Cousins house. 

“I actually walked, I’m just a few blocks from here.” It was strange, in a way, that he didn’t know where she lived anymore. They had never seen each other’s houses or apartments as adults. In her mind, Conrad continued existing in a dorm room at Brown.

“I’ll walk you back.” He insisted, and she knew it would be pointless to argue or refuse. Besides, they had spent several more hours than she expected and it was past the time that she would feel comfortable walking alone. 

She led him in the direction of her apartment. They walked mainly in silence, swaying into each other until their arms accidentally brushed more than once. At least, she was pretty sure it was accidental. 

“This is me.” She announced, coming to a stop outside the stoop of her walk-up apartment. His face was illuminated by the street light above. Despite the fact that it was a Friday night, the street was quiet. Peaceful, even. It was as if they had the neighborhood to themselves. 

“I’ll see you in Cousins,” He said, reaching out and lightly squeezing her shoulder. 

“I’ll see you there.” She confirmed, despite not knowing if it was a question or a statement. 

He smiled back at her. The air hung thick around them. She wasn’t sure if he felt it too. She was weighing the potential consequences of inviting him in when a car came to a stop at the curb in front of them. 

“That’s my ride.” She had been so caught up in her own thoughts, she hadn’t even realized that he had already ordered an Uber. She took that as a sign that it was best to let him go. She needed to stay focused on her plan. 

They were friends again. She couldn’t let herself mess that up.  

He waited for her to unlock the front door and make it safely inside before he climbed into the backseat of his ride. She stayed at the door, watching until the car pulled away.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Summary:

Belly and Conrad are both feeling unsure of each other's feeling after their reunion dinner. Taylor takes things into her own hands regarding helping Belly figure out how Conrad might be feeling.

Notes:

Thank you all for the comments and kudos so far! It means a lot to know there are people enjoying the story - and that is what is driving me forward to completing this story.

Here is Chapter 2 :)

This is a bit of a slow burn, but I promise things will heat up soon. Chapter 3 is coming very soon!

'The more that you say, the less I know
Wherever you stay, I follow
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans, that's my man'
-willow, Taylor Swift

 

Conrad always thought of his mom and Laurel when he drank coffee. The two of them would always take their giant mugs down to the dock in the morning, declaring that no one was to bug them until they had each finished their first cup. His overpriced coffee was growing cold between his hands, but he couldn’t bring himself to have another sip. He had realized after drinking half the cup that adding caffeine to this already anxious heart was not a good combination. 

“Attention, we will now begin boarding for Flight 324 with services to Los Angeles…” The agent began her announcement overhead, prompting him to finally get up and toss the cardboard cup. 

He couldn’t stop replaying the previous night in his mind. He had finally talked to Belly again. Actually talked to her, at that, not just the cordial conversations they'd had in recent years. He was pretty sure it was the first time they had been alone since he admitted that he loved her after he had found out Jeremiah had cheated on her. Thinking of that made his head soar with anger. He didn’t hate Jere anymore. He had spent a lot of time and energy on making things right with his brother, but the thought of anyone hurting Belly made his head spin. Of course, all thoughts lead back to the fact that he had hurt her too. 

She had been so warm to him at dinner, but he wasn’t sure if it was the wine buzz or if there was a spark left between them. Conrad knew two things to be fact, the first was that his heart was still burning for Isabel Conklin. Maybe even more than when they were younger. He had tried to move on, of course he had. But no one even held a candle to Belly, to his girl. He knew what he wanted. 

He wasn’t sure if it mattered any that he knew what he wanted. Because the other fact he knew to be true, was that he had blown it with her time and time again. There might not be any chances left, not romantically at least. But he would be damned if they lived on like this forever, avoiding each other. He needed her in his life, even if all he could be was a friend. 

The vibration of his phone in his pocket called his attention out of his daydreams of Belly. It was a text from Steven in a group message with him and Jeremiah asking them which suit color they liked best for the groomsmen. Life comes at you fast, his best friend was about to be a husband. 

Jere had already responded that he liked the navy best, Conrad sent a quick reply that either would work for him and then swiped over to his texts with Belly. The last message from the previous morning, confirming the time they were meeting.

He thought of all of the old ‘rules’, to play it cool and not text a girl right after seeing them. This wasn’t some girl though, this was Belly. He didn’t want to freak her out, especially because he wasn’t sure she felt anything for him anymore. He had poured his heart out to her years ago, and she had still almost married his brother. 

“Fuck it,” he muttered under his breath and began typing. They were friends, he might as well start acting like it. 

 

---

 

The morning after she had met Conrad for dinner, Belly woke up with two hangovers. A wine hangover (giving her a massive headache and dry mouth) and a Conrad hangover (causing her heart to flutter). She had forgotten, or maybe suppressed, how good it was to be around him. How light she felt in his presence. She knew it was corny, even as she thought it, but being around Conrad again felt like coming home after being somewhere strange for too long. 

She was slightly embarrassed for having gotten tipsier than intended, which is to say she had no intentions of getting tipsy when she showed up to the restaurant. She wasn’t sure if it had been the warmth of the wine, or if there had been a spark of flirtation between them. It was always hard to know with Conrad. Being forthcoming had never been one of his strong suits. 

As she got ready for the day, she was replaying their conversation. His arm had felt electric when he draped it across her shoulders as they stepped outside the restaurant. She had agreed to spend the summer in Cousins with him. Why had she done that? She wanted things to feel normal between them, but what even was normal anymore? All she had ever known was loving him. She wasn’t sure how to be just friends with Conrad Fisher. 

Her phone buzzed twice from the kitchen table and her heart leapt. She had been wondering if he’d reach out after last night. Maybe he woke up this morning and regretted asking her to come to Cousins for the summer, maybe it had only been the wine talking. 

Conrad: I had a lot of fun last night. I meant it when I said I wanted to be friends again, I’ve really missed you. Boarding my flight back to LA, but looking forward to Cousins next month. 

It was like she was sixteen again. She couldn’t even begin to fight the smile that was spreading across her face or the butterflies fluttering in her stomach. If this is how she reacted to Conrad saying he wanted to be friends, she was in for a long summer. 

Belly: It was great to see you. My head is pounding from all the wine tho, that second bottle might’ve been a mistake. Have a safe flight. 

 

---

 

For the next few weeks, they were texting regularly. It was like old times. She sent him a picture of one of Susannah’s paintings she had hanging in her office. It was an impressionistic scene of the beach in Cousins at sunset. Five minutes later he replied “Great minds think alike” with a photo of a similar Susannah painting hanging above his couch. 

She wanted so badly to be near him. She dreamt of showing up in LA, knocking on his door and getting a glimpse into the new life Conrad had built. She wanted to know who his friends in California were, who did he spend his time with? Of course she wanted to know if there was a girl, or girls, in his life. He was a handsome doctor, she was sure there were girls. The thought of it, of him in love with someone she had never met, drove her mad with a jealousy that she knew wasn’t fair. 

It wasn’t justified for her to be jealous or carry any resentments for any other girl Conrad decided to love. She had almost married his brother, he owed her nothing. She couldn’t help but wonder though, but she was too afraid to ask him and too embarrassed to ask Steven or her mom if they knew if he was seeing anyone. 

“Do you want a plus one?” Taylor asked her one night. It was the last week of the school year. In two short weeks, Belly would be on her way to Cousins for the summer. She was trying to squeeze in as much time helping Taylor with wedding stuff before she left. Of course, Taylor and Steven would get out to visit Cousins as much as possible this summer. She knew it was important to show up for Taylor now, though. 

“A plus one?” Belly pondered, flipping through a catalog of bridesmaids dresses.

“Do you have anyone you want to invite? I’m trying to get an idea of the headcount for the caterers.” Taylor and Steven had locked in a date the week prior. They wanted to get married the last weekend of August and had already booked a fancy dinner club near the neighborhood they grew up in. They didn’t have much time to plan the wedding, especially the dream wedding that Taylor had in mind, but they didn’t want a drawn out engagement.  

“I…” Belly trailed off, she hadn’t even considered a wedding date. She wasn’t seeing anyone, nor had she seen anyone in any kind of serious way. She had dated, she had even had a few flings and short term boyfriends. 

There was never anyone serious, never anyone who gave her fireworks. And what was the point of a relationship if it wasn’t luminous? She didn’t ever want to be like her parents, whose love was more like a cordial roommate situation. They were friends, but they weren’t lovers. She wanted magnetism, butterflies, fireworks, all of the things that people who haven’t experienced true love say don’t exist.

 “Does Steven give you fireworks?” She asked  instead of answering the question. Taylor replied with a confused look. “You know, like do you feel electric when you’re with him?”

“Belly, are you asking if your brother makes me cum?” Taylor mocked and Belly threw her catalog down.

“Gross, Taylor.” Belly fake gagged, “I don’t want to think about that. You know what I mean, do you still feel butterflies? How do you know he’s the one?” 

“Yeah, Bells, he gives me fireworks.” Taylor admitted, blushing, “I don’t know how you know when someone is the one, it just…makes sense. Everything clicks into place and you can’t imagine doing your life without that person.”

Only Taylor would blush about being in love, but not sexual innuendo. She closed her laptop and turned to face Belly, “What is this about?”

Belly sighed and shook her head, “I have tried, Taylor, to find that feeling again. I can’t…no one else makes me feel like that. I thought it was just, you know, something you only feel when you’re young. I thought maybe it had all been in my head. And then…”

“Conrad.” Taylor guessed, with a sympathetic look.

“Yeah.” Belly replied quietly, “I have a full blown, thirteen year old Belly style crush on him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I let him go, I can’t pull him back in and hurt him again.”

“I’m sorry, babe, that really sucks.” Taylor bit her lips, as if she wasn’t quite sure what advice to give, “Do you think it’s a good idea to go to Cousins this summer? Just tell him I’m being a bridezilla and making you stay here with me to finish wedding planning.”

“No, no. I think I need to go. I think it will be good. We can’t avoid each other forever. Maybe it will be like exposure therapy, I just need to face him to really get over him.”

“Maybe,” Taylor said doubtful, “Is that a no to the plus one then?”

“Let me get back to you?”

“Alight, I know how to settle this.” Taylor reached behind her and grabbed her phone off the end table.

“What are you doing? Taylor? What?” Belly’s thoughts raced with possible past flings Taylor could be messaging to invite as Belly’s plus one, she really started to panic when she heard ringing. Who could she be calling?

“Taylor?” Conrad’s voice answered as Taylor put the phone on speaker and gave Belly a pointed look.

“Yeah, hey Conrad. I’m just trying to finalize the guest list.” Taylor said, making eyes at Belly who was mouthing ‘stop’.

“Well,” Conrad laughed, “I am the best man, so I’ll definitely be there.”

“No shit,” Taylor rolled her eyes, “I’m just wondering if you’ll need a plus one.”

“Oh…” She heard Conrad click his tongue, the way he always did when he was thinking something over, “Is that normal, for the wedding party to bring dates?”

“Plus ones are pretty standard.” Taylor replied, as if he was an idiot. Belly put her hand over her mouth, not wanting him to know she was there, listening.

“Um, I don’t…” He sighed, “Is the rest of the wedding party bringing dates.” 

Taylor’s face brightened, she had a ‘gotcha look’.

“Well, you know your brother has a pretty serious girlfriend so obviously he will be. My cousin is my other bridesmaid, and she’s engaged so she’ll have a date, too…” Taylor grabbed a pen and clicked the top, “My god, Fisher, for a doctor you’re taking a long time to answer a pretty basic question.”

“What about Belly?” He blurted on the other end of the line, and Taylor mouthed ‘I knew it!’ as Belly switched from covering her mouth to her eyes.

“What about Belly?” Taylor echoed back, knowingly. 

“You said that Jere and your cousin are bringing dates to the wedding. What about Belly?” She could hear the urgency in his question, the embarrassment in his tone. What did it mean that he cared if she brought a plus one?

“I don’t think she’s bringing anyone, unless she ends up meeting someone this summer.” Belly dropped her hands, eyes wide at Taylor, “Or… maybe she is seeing someone and I don’t know about it.”

Conrad let out a breath. 

“Taylor, I’m not…” He let out another breath, “I want to be there for Steven, fully present and everything as best man.”

“So… that’s a no?” Taylor nudged Belly.

“Yeah, that’s a no.” Taylor opened her mouth to respond, but before she could he blurted out, “She’s happy, right? Belly’s happy?”

“About the wedding? Of course.”

“I mean, just in general.” He laughed in embarrassment, “Sorry, I’m… that was weird. You’re her best friend, I just barely know her anymore. I just… she seems happy. I just want to make sure that she is.”

“Uh,” Taylor cleared her throat, and Belly looked toward the phone wishing she could see his face, wishing she could read the emotion in his eyes, “Yeah, she’s happy.” 

Belly felt bad suddenly, for listening in when Conrad didn’t know she could hear him. She started signaling for Taylor to hang up. 

“Ok, good. Sorry for being…” There was the sound of an announcement in the background, “I have to go, Taylor. I’m being paged. Just text me if you need anything else for the wedding.”

“Holy shit.” Taylor said after she had hung up, “He still loves you.”

 

 

Notes:

Thank you for reading - feedback is always appreciated :)

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Summary:

Belly arrives to Cousin's and begins her summer with Conrad. They both work hard at resisting the other - who will break first?

Notes:

Thank you all again for the love - I am having so much fine writing this!

'Barefoot in the kitchen
Sacred new beginnings
That became my religion, listen'
-Cornelia Street, Taylor Swift

 

The drive to Cousins felt longer than usual. Belly was jittery with excitement and nerves for what the summer might bring. She was still sticking to her plan. No matter how Taylor interpreted Conrad’s questions or his choice not to accept a plus one, Belly still knew the facts of the past remained. The water was mucky, it was best not to dive in. 

Regardless, she was still excited to be around Conrad and to be back in Cousins. The house in Cousins felt like her true home. It was where she had learned the most about herself. It was where she felt close to Susannah, as if she was right there with her. It had been almost ten years since they lost her, and Belly still yearned for the warmth of her second mom. When things first got messy with Conrad and Jeremiah, she wished so many times for the comfort of Susannah. She understood her and accepted her in a way that no one else had, not even Laurel. 

Conrad’s car was already in the driveway when she arrived, parked neatly beside the garage. She smiled as she saw that he was already walking out the backdoor, waving to her with a grin.

“You made it.” He said as he walked toward her, he motioned toward her trunk and she pressed the button on her key to pop it open. 

“Of course, I told you I’d be here by dinner time.” She was unsure if he was going to hug her or not, he looked nervous. He placed an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a side hug.

“How was the drive? Here, let me.” He pulled away and reached toward her trunk to unload her big suitcase. He slung her smaller tote bag around his shoulder and waved her off when she tried to help. 

“Thanks.” She smiled, closing the trunk, “It felt long. I hate driving alone, I always feel like I need to talk to someone to pass the time but no one answered my call.” She laughed, walking ahead of him to get to the door as his hands were full with her bags. 

“I would have answered.”

“Well, you’re stuck with me all summer. I didn’t want to bore you before I even got here.”

He set her suitcases at the bottom of the staircase, and turned to face her with a serious look. “I don’t think you could bore me if you tried. Plus, we have like…I don’t know, seven years worth of catching up to do.”

“True,” She laughed, following behind him to the kitchen, “Starting with, I still can’t believe that you’re a doctor. You know, I have pretty shitty insurance so I might start blowing up your phone with medical questions.”

“Doctor in training, technically.” He smirked, he had a sense of pride and purpose that looked new on him. She liked the fire behind his eyes. 

 

---

 

Conrad had ordered them a pizza, and as the sun set they sat on the edge of by the pool finishing the last slices and sipping cold beer. It felt equally like old times, and something entirely new. There was the familiarity of being in this house, the house where they had spent so much of their childhood together. Yet, there was something new about it. They were learning each other again. 

There was a time that she knew him like the back of her hand. At their core, they were the same two people they had always been. There were new things to learn though, experiences they had completely outside of one another. She had just finished telling him a story of a solo trip she took to Paris after graduation. He had listened intently as she rambled on, smiling at the parts that he had wished he had been there to see. 

“Did you want to move home, or was it just because of the residency?” She asked, dangling her legs over the edge of the pool and wiping crumbs from the last piece of pizza onto her shorts.  

“A little of both, I guess.” Conrad took a sip of his beer, “It was a little lonely in California, to be honest. After a while you get tired of being around people who only know you at the surface. But, I couldn’t just come home without the right opportunity. I guess it just worked out.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” She nodded, and he turned to her as if asking her to continue, “I loved traveling on my own, but it got lonely. After a while I was so homesick I could barely stand it.”

“When I get homesick, it’s here that I want to be.” He looked toward his bottle of beer. He had said it with such intensity that a part of her wondered if he meant in Cousins or with her. 

“Me too.” She smiled and nudged her shoulder into his.

“Do you talk to Jere much, or…” Conrad trailed off and shook his head, “I mean, I don’t know if things are weird. I know you said you guys are good, and you seemed good last year at the fourth. I’m just, I don’t know. I haven’t been around much.”

“Yeah, we talk.” Belly paused, “This is heavy, I guess. But, I think I need to officially clear the air.”

He set his beer bottle down and pulled his left knee to his chest to turn and face her fully. She couldn’t face him, not yet, so her eyes remained in the pool water.

“I should have never been with Jeremiah. I love him, of course I do, but not in the way…” She took a breath, “God, things got messy so fast. I wasn’t over you yet and that wasn’t fair to Jeremiah, or to you.”

“We were all young, Belly.” 

“We were, yeah. We aren’t anymore though and me and Jeremiah have forgiven each other. We’re friends, but that is all.” She made sure to look him right in the eye for the next part, “And to be entirely truthful, we both agree that’s all we ever should have been.”

He took a long sip of his beer before replying, “I just wish you and I could’ve talked like this years ago.”

“We are now, that's what counts.” He was looking at her with those intense eyes, so full of emotion. She wanted to know exactly what he was feeling. 

He nodded and slowly placed a hand on one of her thighs, “I think it’s my turn to clear the air. You apologized to me when we had dinner, and I owe you an apology too.”

“For what?” She asked so quietly, her voice almost a whisper.

“For so many things that I don’t even know where to start,” He gave her a half smirk, despite looking somber, “I always thought I was doing right by you. I thought it was better for you if I left, if I didn’t tell you the truth.”

He scratched his stubble and squinted toward the sunset, “It wasn’t fair for me to wait and tell you how I felt when you were about to marry my brother. I was just so angry, at myself and at Jere. At you. I blew everything up and then just disappeared.”

“You didn’t blow anything up.” Belly said firmly, “That wedding was doomed from the start. I was eighteen, Conrad.”

“I should have never left.”

She would have no way of knowing that he was referring to all those years ago, when he walked out of that motel and let her think he didn’t love her. 

“Like you said, it’s ancient history.”

“It is,” He gave her thigh a small squeeze before pulling his hand back to his lap, “But, I hate that it all cost us years of our friendship. We fought so hard for this house, for our memories, and then spent almost every summer in our twenties apart so far. When we’ve been here since, it’s been different. It’s heavy.”

“It doesn’t feel heavy now.”

He sighed and nodded in agreement, “Then I think we need to mark the start of summer with an old tradition.”

“No,” She started to laugh, shaking her head as he wrapped an arm around her tightly. 

“Oh yeah,” He grinned, pulling them both into the water as he shouted “Belly flop!”

 

---

 

Conrad couldn’t sleep that night, so he walked down to the beach and lit a joint. He had started smoking again while he was at Stanford. Sometimes it was the only way he could quiet his mind and ease his aching heart. It wasn’t something he did often anymore, in fact he hadn’t in years. He had found the joint in the medicine cabinet, Jere must’ve left it behind last time he was here. He didn’t think he'd be able to relax without getting at least a little high after the conversations he’d had with Belly that day. 

He sat down near the shoreline, and took a long puff exhaling first through his nose and then blowing softly through his mouth. He was thinking about the stories Belly had shared after dinner, all the adventures she’d been on without him. He was picturing her riding a rented bike through Paris, eating dainty pastries and getting lost in the Louvre. How he wished he had been there with her, but how he knew she needed to be there alone. 

“Woah, this feels like a flashback,” He sat up straight, she had startled him. Belly was walking down the beach in her pajama shorts and a thin tank top. 

“I didn’t know you were still up.” He confessed, half trying to attempt to hide the joint behind his back. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” She plopped down in the sand beside him, “You’re not being sneaky with that, you know. I smelt you before I saw you.”

“Busted.” He smiled, and brought the joint back to his lips, “I’ll put it out if it bothers you.”

“No, I’m not a know-it-all, goody-two-shoes teenager anymore.” She pulled the joint from between his fingers and brought it to her lips. 

“What would your students say, Ms. Conklin?” Conrad brought his hand to his heart, feigning disbelief. 

“It’s summer vacation.” She shrugged, exhaling. He looked at her, truly shocked. “What? I smoked a little in college.”

“You are an ever evolving creature, you know that.”

She smiled and stretched her legs out in front of her. He allowed himself to look at her, he hadn’t truly taken her in yet. He had been too afraid of what he would want to do, of how attracted he was to her. It was more than her body, it was her. 

“What?” She laughed, self consciously when his eyes finally landed on hers. 

“Nothing,” He shook his head and smiled, looking away for only a moment before he couldn’t resist looking back toward her again. She was still looking at him, searching his eyes for something. 

He took a deep breath and said, “Belly, a part of me is grateful for the time we’ve been apart. Not because I wanted to be away from you, I didn’t.” He broke eye contact and started running his hands through the sand around them, “And I’m not trying to justify what I did. I just don’t know that you would have had all the experiences you had if we…if we had stayed together back then. Look at this life you’ve lived, all of the adventures you’ve had and on your own. I don’t know if I’m making sense right now, I’m a little high.”

He tapped the end of the joint into the sand, putting it out and slipped it into the pocket of his shirt. 

“I hadn’t thought of it like that, but you’re probably right.” 

“I don’t ever want to lose you again. If distance is what we needed to actually be in each other's lives again, then I’m okay with it. Then it was worth it.” He said, his eyes were bouncing between her lips and her eyes. He was unsure where to look, or how to hold his body. It was like a magnet was trying to draw him to her and he was fighting as hard as he could to remain in place. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

“You won’t.” She smiled shyly and looked away. 

He was realizing that he was probably more than a little high, it had been a while since he’d smoked. She was looking out toward the water, but he was still watching her face, worried now that he had come on too strong. Had he said something dumb, he wondered thinking back on the last few minutes. 

What he really wanted to say was how badly he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to know if she still tasted the same. He wanted to know if she wanted to kiss him back. As he laid back into the sand, he wondered what she’d do if he leaned over and kissed her now. 

They had just begun to rebuild, the foundation felt strong but he wasn’t sure how everything would hold if he tested his luck. Everything could very well come toppling over again, and he wasn’t sure he would survive being crushed under the weight of losing her for a second time. 

“Maybe we should head in.” He said, turning so that he was laying on his side facing where she was sitting beside him. 

“A few more minutes,” She said wistfully, and laid down on her back beside him, “I want to look at the stars with you.”

“Okay,” He rolled over onto his back and they looked up at the sky together. 

 

---

 

Belly woke up to the sun shining in her eyes, and the sound of seagulls flying above. They had fallen asleep on the beach. 

“Conrad,” She said, nudging him in the side, “Wake up, we fell asleep out here.”

“Belly?” He sat up, looking confused. She loved the way he looked when he first woke up. It was like he always woke up forgetting where he was. In this situation, it was understandable. “Jesus, we are both a couple of lightweights.”

He stood up, and reached his hand toward her to help her up. 

“Confession, I have only actually smoked twice before and that was like…sophomore year of college. I had a very brief partying phase.”

“Well, that is the first time I’ve smoked since before I took the MCAT.” He smiled, leading her back up the beach toward the house, “I self medicated for a while, but I knew I needed to clean up my act for med school.”

“That must’ve been hard, being out there alone after everything.”

He waved his hand, and shook it away. “I’m going to shower quickly, and I’ll run out and grab us breakfast.” 

She stayed outside for a while longer than him, deciding to wake herself up with a morning swim. Had they almost kissed last night? For a moment, she had been sure he was going to lean forward and then he had shut down. It was probably for the best, she decided as she dried herself. They had only been in Cousins for one night, she couldn’t let her whole plan derail. She had to stay strong. 

 

---

 

By the time Belly had showered and gotten ready for the day, she could hear Conrad in the kitchen. She could tell he must have just returned from the store by the sound of the paper bags rustling and cabinets opening and shutting. She made a mental note to go to the store next. She didn’t want him to think she was here to freeload off him all summer. 

“Hey,” he said cheerfully, “I got something for you.” 

He handed her a wrinkled plastic bag off of the counter. She untied it and peered inside. Eight perfectly ripe Peaches. He bought her peaches from the road stand, the ones she had loved so much. 

“You remembered,” She grinned into the bag, “These smell amazing!”

“Peaches always make me think of you,” He admitted, his eyes so warmly watching as she picked the perfect peach from the bag and took a bite. 

“I’m going to savor this,” She said with a mouthful, “I’m always disappointed with the peaches I buy back home. Nothing beats these.”

She was overwhelmed by his kindness. The fact that he had remembered something so simple, after all this time. He always remembered the small things, she realized. He was a master at making her feel special. 

“I was going to make us French toast, but I’m hoping you’re good with cereal?” He asked, holding up two boxes, “I heard the surf is good this morning, I was going to head out for a few hours.”

“Yeah, of course.” She hoisted herself up so she was sitting on the counter, facing him while he poured himself a bowl of Shredded Wheat. He smiled at the face she made at his bowl, and handed her a bowl, a spoon, and the box of fruit loops. Something practical and fibrous for him, something sweet for her. 

“Still your favorite?” He asked, passing her the milk. She nodded, amazed again at his thoughtfulness and wrapped the peach bit in a paper towel. 

“More of a special occasion treat these days,” She beamed, “I don’t have the metabolism of a teenager anymore. But, it is summer vacation so there’s no harm in indulging.”

“I’m sure your metabolism is just fine,” he held her gaze, “You look the same, better actually.”

She smiled down at her bowl of colorful cereal, embarrassed. She hadn’t been fishing for compliments, but she couldn’t help but bask in the attention from Conrad. Her body had changed, naturally, since the last time they’d been together. When she looked in the mirror gone was the little girl, and in her place was a woman. 

“You’re the doctor so I’ll trust you on that.” 

“Well,” he set his bowl of cereal on the counter behind him and stepped across the kitchen until he was standing in front of her, “doesn’t hurt to check.”

She swallowed as he softly pressed a hand to each side of her neck and gently dragged them downward, he stopped just before her collarbone and then looked back into her eyes. They stayed like that for what felt like a whole minute. Belly was sure that he could feel how much her pulse had quickened, his fingers were resting just above her pulse point. 

He swallowed thickly, and blinked up at her, “Your thyroid seems good.” 

She could smell his soap, it was warm and earthy. Sandalwood, maybe. He reached up and brushed her hair behind her ear, his other hand still rested on the side of her throat. 

His eyes explored her face for a second more, then pulled away, taking all of his warmth with him. 

“So, I’m good to continue with the sugary breakfasts.”

“Consider it an official doctor’s order.” He smiled, and dropped his bowl into the sink. 

She stayed there, seated on the counter, for long after her bowl of cereal was finished. Conrad came back in and then out, she had to make a conscious decision not to stare when he walked through the kitchen in his wetsuit and let her know he'd be back soon. 

He had almost kissed her again. She was sure of it. Her neck felt on fire where he had touched it. It was like there was an electric volt shooting straight from her throat to her heart and if she was honest, straight between her legs too.

Notes:

Comments and kudos help the writer's muse go 'round. I hope you all are still enjoying this - I know the last few chapters have been pretty dialogue heavy and it's a slow burn... but you know where slow burns lead, right? I promise things are heating up very soon.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Notes:

Thank you again for the continued support and kind words - I am having so much fun with this.

'It's new, the shape of your body
It's blue, the feeling I've got
It's a cruel summer
It's cool, that's what I tell 'em
No rules, in breakable heaven
It's a cruel summer
With you'
-Cruel Summer, Taylor Swift

Two weeks into summer vacation Belly and Conrad had fallen into a comfortable routine; they'd have breakfast together, then Conrad would surf and Belly would swim laps in the pool. Sometimes at night they’d play cards, some nights Conrad would be at one end of the couch working on his laptop and Belly would be on the opposite end reading a book. They had started going to the farmer’s market on Saturdays. 

It was how Belly imagined their life together would have been. There were still moments that left Belly’s heart pounding, in fact they were happening more and more often. It was as if their resolve was growing weaker and it was becoming harder to resist being close physically. Conrad had placed a hand on her lower back as he passed her in the kitchen a few days ago and her skin was still tingling. Over the course of the last few days, they had grown more bold.

“How is it that you read the same books over and over?” Conrad joked with her. They were in their end of the night positions on the couch. She dropped her dog-eared copy of Pride and Prejudice to her lap and looked over at him.

“It’s a classic,” She defended, “Plus, sometimes it’s nice to know how something is going to end.”

“I don’t know,” She was sitting sideways on the couch so that she was facing him, she had extended her legs out and her feet were nearly touching his legs on the opposite corner. He reached down and squeezed one of her feet, “Maybe we should go to the bookstore tomorrow.”

“I like the books here, thank you very much.” She picked her book back up, “I’m going to try to read through Susannah’s bookshelf this summer.”

“Okay,” He moved his hand up to her ankle, “She’d like that.”

Belly and Conrad’s phones buzzed at the same time, they looked at each other confused. Her ankle felt so cold when he moved his hand away to reach for his phone.

“It’s Jere,” Conrad said, getting to his phone a second before Belly, “They’re coming for the weekend.”

 

Jeremiah: Bringing Samantha up for the weekend - see u tomorrow 

 

“Are they still really heavy on the PDA?” Conrad scrunched up his nose and set his phone back on the end table beside him. Belly hoped he wasn’t criticizing them for her benefit, she didn’t know how much more clear she could make it to him that she was unbothered by Jeremiah having moved on. In fact, she was thrilled. 

“Yes,” Belly rolled her eyes, “but it’s kind of sweet.”

“Sweet until they start dry humping at the dinner table. It’s a bit much.” Conrad was always more reserved than Jeremiah. 

“Fair point,” Belly couldn’t help but laugh as she thought back to last summer when Jeremiah and Samantha had made out during their fourth of July barbeque. In front of everyone, Laurel included. 

“Hey, are you bringing someone to the wedding?” She wasn’t sure what had prompted him to ask. She had almost forgotten about Taylor calling him and grilling him about the plus one. 

She wanted to ask him how he thought she could possibly bring a date to the wedding after spending all this time here with him. Did he think that was even possible? A guy she had gone out with a few times last winter had sent her a message the other day and she pressed delete without even reading it. 

She was here with him, and as much as she suppressed it she also couldn’t deny the energy between them. She couldn’t tell him any of that though, so she just shook her head in response. 

“Why?” He had closed his laptop and turned so that he was facing her now as well. 

“Why what?” 

“Why aren’t you bringing a date?” She could sense that he was purposefully dancing around a fine line. He wanted answers, but didn’t want to ask the right questions. Two could play that game. 

She shrugged, “Are you?”

“No, there isn’t anyone I would ask.” He admitted quietly.

“Really? I figured you would have a swarm of girls waiting for you back in California. I’m sure there’s someone who would be willing to fly out for you.” A sudden surge of bravery must have overtaken her, she had broken the careful dance. 

He chuckled softly and shook his head, “No, there’s no one.” else. It was unsaid, but implied. He looked toward the fireplace, “You haven’t answered my question.”

She followed his gaze, to that spot in front of the fireplace where she had given herself to him. It would be remiss to try to deny to herself that she hadn’t thought of the night they spent here, all those years ago. Their bodies had fit so perfectly together, and he had been so gentle and tender with her. He had looked at her that night with so much desire in his eyes, so much love, as if she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. She had never felt as cherished as she did then, not before or after that night. 

They had been together a handful of other times before they had broken up, but it was always more rushed. They were always trying to be quiet or quick, so as not to be caught. That first time was different, and not just from the other times with Conrad. It was different from any time since then, too. It's not that the sex had been particularly amazing, although it had been good. It was the depth to it all, the intimacy of their connection. It had been just as much an emotional experience as it had been a physical one. She hated how cheesy and cliche it was to call it making love, but maybe that’s what it had been. Maybe that’s why it had been different. 

“Belly?” He whispered, calling her out of her thoughts. She wondered if he ever thought about it. Had he ever been able to recreate their magic, or had he been chasing it all these years too?

“There’s no one I would want to spend that day with, other than the people who are already going to be there.” She tore her eyes from the fireplace to meet his gaze. It looked like he was biting back a smile, but she couldn’t be sure, “There’s no one I would invite, either.”

He nodded and let the smile he had been holding back slip ever so slightly across his face. It only flashed for a second, but she hadn’t missed it. He was glad that she didn’t have anyone worthy of being her wedding date. The confirmation that she was truly single had clearly brought him some relief, possibly even joy. Belly had read it right there across his face. The game they were playing was getting dangerous. 

 

---

 

Steven called her the next morning. It was as if he had a sibling instinct and could sense the wave of change between her and Conrad. 

“You never call me,” Belly said as she answered the phone, “Did Taylor tell you to hunt me down about the bridesmaids dresses? Tell her I sent my measurements to the boutique last week.”

“Can’t a brother call his sweet younger sister to see how her summer is going?” She could hear his turn signal and knew he was on his way into work. 

“He can, but he never has before,” She countered, “It’s good to be back here. I wish everyone was here.”

“Next month! I’m so pumped for the party. You guys are getting everything ready, right?” 

“Yes, Steven, me and Conrad are taking care of everything.” They hadn’t started to actually plan the party yet, but she didn’t want to bring Steven in on that. They had different styles when it came to planning, and she was sure he expected them to have a full party itinerary written down. 

“How’s that going by the way? You and Conrad…like reconnecting and stuff?” Ah, so this is why he had called. Belly had to give her brother credit. He had begged her not to date Jeremiah, and then again not to go forward with the wedding. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Jeremiah, he had pleaded with her back then, it was that he knew they weren’t right for each other.

“There’s no ‘and stuff’, we’re just both here hanging out. It’s good to be friends again. That’s all, don’t worry.” She was sure that Steven was worrying that something would happen between her and Conrad and everything would get messy again.

“Come on, you aren’t fooling me anymore than you did when we were kids. You’re in love with him.”

Belly exhaled loudly, not having the energy to argue with Steven. There was no use. He knew her too well, and he knew Conrad too well. He was close to both of them. Him and Conrad had still spent a lot of time together over the last few years. He could see through them both. 

“You haven’t moved on, Belly.” Steven continued, “I’ve watched you try. You date a guy for a few weeks, maybe a few months if he’s lucky and then you find something wrong with him and it’s over. No one else has ever felt right to you, no one has ever made you forget Conrad.”

“Steven-” She heard Conrad coming down the stairs, she dropped her voice not wanting him to hear, “It’s too late.”

“It’s not, though. You think you’re the only one who feels that way? That guy is my best friend. He has never gotten over you, I don’t think he ever could. I shouldn’t even tell you this, but remember that ski trip me and him took last year? We got way too drunk one night and I told him I was thinking about proposing to Taylor. He just burst into tears. I don’t even think he remembers it, but he told me he never stopped loving you.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Conrad walked into the kitchen and gave her a strange look, as if to ask if everything was okay. She nodded and stepped outside, “Everything is finally getting back to normal. I can’t mess it all up again, Steven, I just can’t. You know that none of these relationships, none of our friendships, would survive that again.”

“I just want you both to be happy, and I think you’re it for each other.” Belly heard his car door shut on the other end of the line, “Just don’t shut that door entirely.”

“It’s not that simple.” Belly said, “You know that.”

“Don’t overcomplicate it. Everyone has moved on but the two of you.” Steven replied, “I’m walking into the office now, I have to go. I’ll see you soon - and please, for the love of god, decide on a bridesmaid's dress before Taylor makes me drive there and force you to choose myself.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll talk to you later,” She hung up and walked back inside where Conrad was pouring a mug of coffee.  

“Steven,” she answered the question in his eyes before he could ask, “He has no faith in us as host of this epic party that we haven’t started to plan yet.”

“I told him we had it covered,” Conrad defended, “I feel like he’s expecting us to roll out a red carpet and throw them a gala. It's a bachelor-bachelorette party. We just need a couple bottles of booze, some kegs, music…” he shrugged.

“We have time to lock down the details,” Belly said with a wave of her hand, “What time is Jere getting here?”

“A few hours, I should actually get ready. I was going to run to the store and get stuff to grill tonight and some drinks. I feel like I might need hard liquor.” He joked, and stood from where he was seated at the island, “Need anything?”

“No, I think that will cover it.” She laughed, nudging him in jest as he passed her. 

---

 

“Thank you, Isabel, these margaritas are so good!” Samantha gushed, accepting the refill that Belly was pouring her. Conrad had grilled burgers, and Belly had prepared a fresh salad and pomegranate margaritas. They had moved out to the patio table with their second pitcher of margaritas. She had laughed as Conrad had grabbed the bottle of tequila from her and poured a little extra in, but now her head was light and she was regretting not stopping him. 

“It’s an old family recipe,” Jeremiah joked, which made Conrad laugh. When he laughed, his whole face lit up and it reminded Belly of when they were kids. He was seeming so much lighter these days, more carefree. 

“Well, it’s become one anyways,” Conrad said and placed his hand on her thigh under the table, “This is Belly’s spin on margarita’s her dad’s girlfriend made one Fourth of July.”

“Yeah, you’re leaving out the best part which is that the first time we had them Belly got trashed for the first time.” Jeremiah added with a laugh. Conrad squeezed her thigh and then lifted his hand back to the table. 

“Oh, whatever. You guys were a bad influence.”

“It sounds like you guys have had so many good times here, I can’t believe this is only my second trip.” Samantha took another sip of her margarita and leaned closer into Jeremiah who began running his hands through her long, blonde hair. 

“We’re happy you guys made it out.” Conrad said and gave Belly a pointed look when Jeremiah leaned over and started kissing his way down Samantha’s face. 

Belly and Conrad snuck back inside without them seeming to notice and started on cleaning the kitchen. Belly was wiping down the counter when Conrad came up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. 

“I feel like we deserve a shot,” He reached in front of her and grabbed the bottle of tequila, “The kids are out there making out, we’re in here cleaning. We’re basically Laurel and Susannah.”

She spun around, so they were face-to-face, “I’m down to take a shot with you, Connie. But, if you ever compare us to our mothers again I’ll throw you in the pool.”

Conrad raised his eyebrows at her and grabbed two shot glasses from the cabinet. “Fair enough,” he said, unscrewing the top of the tequila and filling the shot glasses to the brim. He handed one to her and raised his own in toast.

“Are we toasting now?” She laughed, and wondered if he was drunker than she realized. He nodded and placed his hand under her wrist to raise her glass up.

“To my mom for making this place and summertime so magical,” He swallowed hard, “And to you, Belly, for keeping that magic alive.”

Her eyes started to well with tears, but she complied when he brought their glasses together in cheers and took the shot at the same time as him. It burnt her throat and immediately made her insides feel warm. 

“Conrad,” She put a hand on his bicep and squeezed, “Thats–”

“Ooh, are we taking shots?” Jeremiah asked, walking in through the side door with Samantha in tow. Belly immediately dropped her hand from Conrad’s arm and turned to face them. 

“Want one?” Conrad asked, reaching for the bottle of tequila again. Belly bit her lip, and hoped she hadn’t given him the wrong impression by pulling away when Jeremiah walked in. Old habits die hard and while she knew they were solid in their friendship and Jere had clearly moved on, she was still being cautious. 

“Why don’t we go back out by the pool and play a drinking game?” Jeremiah wiggled his eyes at them, “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

 

---

 

“So we just either tell the truth or we drink?” Conrad asked, eyeing the deck of cards Jeremiah had placed in the center of the table skeptically. Belly wasn’t so sure about this either, she was already pretty buzzed. 

“It’s not that complicated, man.” Jeremiah chuckled, “We’re just going around, drawing a card and you ask someone the question. They either have to answer the question truthfully or drink. But, you need to pick the person before reading the card and no swapping!”

“It’s a good icebreaker. I used to play this in college all the time” Samantha said, taking a long sip of her margarita, “It’s a little spicy, but don’t be shy.”

“Alright, let's do this!” Jeremiah rubbed his hands together and grabbed the card on the top of the deck, “Okay starting off strong, my dear Samantha…have you ever faked an orgasm?” He laughed and she shook her head yes.

“Guilty, but not with you,” She laughed and reached for the next card. Belly knew she could be naive, but she had not realized these were the kinds of questions in the deck. “Isabel, if you could become invisible what’s the worst thing you would do?”

Belly let out a sigh of relief, “I would… I don’t know, spy on people?”

“Your turn to ask, Belly,” Jere reminded her.

She looked at Conrad, who was peeling the label off his bottle of beer. He seemed as thrilled about this game as she was. 

“Alright, Connie…” She read the card and immediately wanted to switch it out, “this one is kinda lame.” She put it face down on the table and started to reach for a new card.

“No, that’s against the rules,” Jeremiah moved the deck before she could choose a new card.

“Ok, fine.” She sighed, “What’s the best intimate experience you’ve had?”

Conrad blushed, he actually blushed. She clocked it. Then he reached toward the middle of the table, grabbed a shot and downed it in a gulp. His free hand brushed the top of her thigh under the table and gave her a soft squeeze, “I don’t kiss and tell,”

Belly’s heart skipped a beat. Was he trying to tell her something? 

“But, it was probably that girl you dated in your junior year. The one with the big tits,” Jeremiah laughed and Samantha bulked at him in jest. 

Conrad and Belly were silent and unmoving on the other side of the table. Thinking of him with another girl made Belly's heart clench.  

“No, that definitely isn’t it.” Conrad said sternly. 

“He took a shot, so he doesn’t have to tell us anything.” Samantha pointed out, “You answer if you want to so badly, babe.”

“Hmm…I think it was last night, with you.” He answered and leaned over to plant a kiss on Samantha's lips. 

“Moving on,” Conrad cleared his throat, “Since you’ve been spared so far Jere, you’re in the hot seat now. Have you ever regretted something you did to get a crush’s attention?”

“Well, I would say almost blowing the two of you up with fireworks wasn’t one of my best moments.”

“Touche,” Conrad laughed, “I think I’ll take a shot just to celebrate you finally admitting that.”

They fell into the rhythm of the game then, and it didn’t take long before they were all passed a healthy buzz and into drunken mess territory. Samantha had crawled onto Jeremiah’s lap and was running her hands through his curls.

“Ok, let’s switch to Never Have I Ever,” Jere slurred, “I’m losing track of who has answered and these questions are getting lame.”

“Maybe enough shots, just drink your beer.” Conrad advised, pushing a can of light beer across the table. Belly had half a mind to say they should call it a night, but she had to admit it was starting to be fun and the energy was so light. Conrad had laughed so hard at one of Jeremiah's answers - which had involved a dramatic retelling of a prank the two had played on Steven as kids-that tears had ran down his cheeks. Belly wasn't sure if she had ever seen him laugh that hard. 

“Never have I ever slept with two people in one night.” Samantha started the game off with a laugh, and looked at all of them expectantly. Belly admired her in a way, she wasn’t embarrassed about anything. Neither was Jeremiah though.

“Only if threesomes count,” Jeremiah said and took a drink of his beer. He was the only one to drink. “Never have I ever delivered a baby,” he said, pointing his bottle at Conrad.

Conrad smirked and lifted his drink to his lips, taking a proud swig. 

“What?” Belly and Samantha asked.

“First year of my residency, it was pretty amazing.” He answered, “Okay, never have I ever failed a class.”

Samantha drank and then said, “Okay, who hasn’t had a drink in a while…” Her eyes landed on Belly and she squinted as if she was trying to think of something that Belly would have to drink for, “Never have I ever had sex with brothers.”

Belly felt her face flush and it felt like her heartbeat was in her throat. 

“That’s not…” Conrad shook his head in protest and then gave Jeremiah a look as if he should do something. Jeremiah had started laughing immediately, but this was territory they hadn’t gone down before. At least not all together like this. 

“You have to drink, that’s the rules.” Samantha said, pushing a shot toward Belly. 

“I haven’t done that though,” Belly pushed the shot back toward Samantha, and crossed her arms. She wasn’t sure if Samantha had been trying to embarrass her, or if she had been fishing for information. 

“Oh, sorry. I assumed you and Conrad had hooked up. I know you dated him before Jere.” Samantha shrugged, looking between the three of them in confusion.

“Belly…you don’t have to…” Conrad’s eyes were searching her face. He was confused, unsure if she was trying to deny they had slept together to spare his brother’s feelings or vice-versa. 

“Oh, yeah, we definitely did.” She smiled and sat up straight, “but that’s just one brother so, I don’t have to drink.”

“Oh,” Samantha blushed and took the shot herself, “I’m sorry, I had assumed…” She looked toward Jeremiah in apology.

“I told you that you had nothing to worry about…” Jeremiah said under his breath. 

“I think I’m going to head in…” Belly stood, feeling stupid. She didn't want to be seen right now. 

“No, Isabel, I’m sorry. I’ve had too much to drink. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” Samantha pleaded. Belly was suddenly annoyed by Samantha's refusal to call her Belly. 

“For the record, I never implied that we did anything.” Jeremiah said with his hands to chest, and then looked at Samantha, “Me and Belly were like siblings practically, we never did more than kiss.”

Belly flinched. She had rushed into a relationship with Jeremiah, a relationship that wasn’t fair or right for either of them at the time. Those choices had cost her a lot. Regardless, it was a slap across the face to hear him minimize their relationship like that. They weren’t meant to be lovers, but they weren’t siblings either. She knew he had been drinking though, they all had and trying to argue right now wouldn’t be productive. 

“Are you serious?” Conrad said to Jeremiah, his tone raised in anger, “You almost married her.”

“It’s fine guys, really.” Belly hoped that her smile was enough to fool them, she was trying hard not to get emotional but it was hard to suppress it. She was drunk and her emotions were so exaggerated. They were all moving on and past that mess, and then Samantha had to imply that she had slept with both Conrad and Jeremiah. Belly knew that’s what people assumed, and she hated that. It made her feel dirty. It made her feel like what she had shared with Conrad wasn't special, and she knew that it was. She wasn't a prude and she wasn't chaste. She had been with other men. But she hadn't been with his brother and the haziness of the lines that had been drawn in the sand was starting to frustrate her. She had no one to blame but her unaware, younger self who had made a mess of everything. 

She grabbed her glass and turned to head inside, tears were burning at the back of her eyes. She didn’t want to cry, she wouldn’t cry if she was sober. Everything just felt so out of her control in that moment and all of the hurt and the fear was bubbling to the surface like a volcano about to erupt. 

She sat down heavily on the couch and tried to breathe. Conrad’s face had gone pale when Samantha said that. She realized now that he had probably thought that to be true for all those years. It would be logical for him to assume that she slept with Jeremiah, she had almost married him. She couldn’t even blame Samantha for assuming it. She just wished it hadn’t all been aired out like that, with everyone's eyes on her. 

She had assumed Jeremiah and Conrad had talked at some point, she had assumed that Conrad had known the truth. 

The sliding door opened and shut and she heard footsteps pad through the kitchen and around the corner, looking for her. She wiped her eyes with her shirtsleeve, trying to conceal her tears. 

“We shouldn’t have agreed to play that game, that was dumb.” Conrad said and she thought of the way his face had looked again and a sob escaped her, “Hey, Belly, don’t cry.”

He rushed to the spot beside her and reached for her face, swiping at her tears with his thumbs. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just so drunk and I feel so dumb.” She sobbed and leaned her head into his chest. He hesitated for only a moment before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her tightly into his chest.

“Belly, it's okay. We’re all drunk.” Conrad said in a soothing voice, running a hand up and down her back. 

“I don’t want you to think that way of me,” She muttered into his shirt and he went still. 

“What way?”

“That I would sleep with him after everything, and I know that sounds so dumb because I almost married him. But I didn’t do that…I didn’t sleep with him.” She had started to calm down. 

“It's okay, Belly. I could never think badly of you, even if you did.” She pulled away and looked up at him finally. She was relieved to see that he looked like he was drunk too. Hopefully everyone was so that her outburst wouldn’t matter after tonight. 

Conrad wrapped his arms tighter around her body and pulled her closer toward his chest. He swiped her hair away from her face, carefully peeling away the pieces that were sticking to her half-dried tears. She let her head sink into his chest. She could hear his heartbeat. 

“What was the answer to the question?” She asked with her eyes shut. She felt so at ease in his arms. It reminded her of being carried to bed as a kid. 

“What question?” He rested his head on top of her own and she could swear she heard him inhale, as if he was taking in her scent. 

“From the game,” She said, her heart started to hammer in her chest as she realized what she was doing, “Your best intimate moment.”

He lifted his head off of her quickly and sucked in a breath. She felt stupid all over again, what was she doing? He dropped his arms from around her and started to sit up straight. She had made him uncomfortable, she thought, he was going to get up and leave and the rest of the summer would be ruined. 

Just as she opened her mouth to recant the question, he placed his hand under chin and lifted her face so she was looking at him. His eyes searched her face. 

“Belly,” He said so softly, “I hope you already know the answer.”

The sliding door suddenly banged shut and loud footsteps echoed across the house. 

“We’re sorry, Bells.” Jere poked his head around the corner, and the two of them jumped apart startled, “Really, Samantha didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s okay, Jere. I’m just drunk and being an idiot.” Belly said, wiping at her face. 

Jeremiah stepped into the room then, stumbling slightly before catching himself on the back of the couch. Belly was relieved at the realization that she wasn’t the drunkest one. 

“I feel like there is something going on here,” Jeremiah pointed his finger between the two of them, “and I’m just saying, it's cool if there is. I’m so sick of feeling guilty for your collective misery.”

With that, he turned and walked out of the room. Belly blinked and tried to center her thoughts. Her head was spinning, but she wasn’t sure if it was due to her current state of drunkenness or the moment she had just had with Conrad or Jeremiah’s words. She was afraid to talk, worried about what she might say.  

If she stayed here in this moment for even a minute more, Belly knew her resolve would crumble. She wouldn’t be able to stop herself from kissing him or laying herself bare. She was so weak at that moment, she couldn’t trust herself not to screw everything up. With one wrong move she could destroy everything, she could lose him again. The thought of that was unbearable. 

So she lifted herself off the couch and declared that it was time for her to go to bed. She hesitated in the doorway for a moment, hoping that maybe he would stop her or follow her upstairs. But, he didn’t move an inch or say a word. 

 

---

 

Conrad woke up to the sound of the kitchen cabinets slamming and dishes clinking. He had fallen asleep on the couch. “Shit,” He muttered, rubbing his eyes while the events of the night came flooding back to him. He stretched and went to investigate the source of all the noise. 

“What are you doing?” He asked, squinting at the kitchen light. Jeremiah was pouring two mugs of coffee in only a pair of fitted boxer briefs. 

“Grabbing coffee. You look like shit, man.” He laughed and stirred creamer into one of the mugs, “I’m going to bring Sam down to the beach to watch the sunrise.”

“How are you not hungover?” Conrad asked, pouring himself a mug.

Jeremiah shrugged in response and then looked at Conrad more seriously, “Belly isn’t mad at Sam, is she?”

“I don’t know, I doubt it. She loves you too much to hold a grudge,” Conrad rubbed his hands down his face, “That was pretty fucked up though, Jere.”

“It wasn’t meant to be,” Jere defended, “I think Samantha just gets insecure around Belly. She really meant to harm though. You’ll talk to Belly?”

“I’m not getting in the middle of any of that,” Conrad protested, “We’re just barely friends again.”

Jeremiah snorted, “Friends, right.”

“Okay, what is that supposed to mean?” It was too early for this and Conrad was too easily brought back to his old self when he was around Jeremiah. Especially when he was acting like a dick before sunrise after a night of drinking. 

“You and Belly have never been just friends. There is always something under the surface with you two. I see that now.”

“Jesus, Jere,” Conrad set his mug of coffee down firmly, “You really give mixed signals. Last night you practically gave us your blessing and now you’re coming at me with this accusatory tone.”

He was regretting ever coming into the kitchen this morning. He should have gone straight up to bed. 

“Will you relax? I’m not being accusatory. It’s just a fact, and I am fine with it. You both have sulked around for the past how many years? And I’m the one who has been the asshole, I’m the one who took her away from you and then cheated on her and then moved on so easily. I feel like shit for how easy it was to move on.”

“Jere…” Conrad sighed, “Belly isn’t property, she’s a person. You didn’t take her, okay?”

A part of Conrad did want to comfort his brother and assure him that none of it was his fault. He knew he couldn’t blame his brother, but he also would never forgive him for cheating on Belly. That was one thing he would never excuse.

“The way she looks at you, Con. That’s rare, that’s the fucking real deal.”

Conrad thought of the way her eyes had shined when looked at him on the couch the night before, the glimmer of hope when she had asked what his best intimate moment had been. Of course it had been with her, every moment he had with her was the best. He was so confused and so torn. He had been waiting years to have her back in his life, he had never thought it would happen.

There was still something left between them, of that he was now sure. It was something big and inescapable, the force of it so magnetic that he could get swallowed whole if he wasn’t careful. Of course he wanted to tell Belly how he felt, but he had done that already. He had pleaded with her on the beach the night before she was supposed to marry his brother and that had landed him in exile for eight years. 

“I appreciate it, Jere, I really do. But I can’t talk about this right now, not with you.” He patted his brother on the shoulder and headed upstairs to go back to bed. 

 

He paused outside of Belly’s door and cracked it open slowly. She was asleep on top of her covers in the mustard yellow sundress she had been wearing the night before. He padded across the room carefully and slowly knelt down to her level. He wanted to whisper that he loved her, just to get it off his chest. Maybe there would be relief in admitting it. 

He couldn’t risk it though, saying it would make it all the more real. Love was scary, he wasn’t ready to bring it to life quite yet. So, instead, he slowly moved forward and planted a soft kiss on her forehead. Her snoring quieted for a moment and she began to stir. He paused and mouthed ‘fuck’, thinking he was about to be busted. How would he explain hovering over her in her sleep? She would think he was a creep.

She rolled onto her side and her snoring picked back up. He drew away slowly, planning on making a quiet exit. And then he saw it. Something clutched in the palm of her hand. 

It couldn’t be. He leaned closer. She had fallen asleep with the infinity necklace he had given her all those years ago clutched in the palm of her hand.

Notes:

I know I keep teasing it, but I promise... things will heat up. We're building to it.

Comments are always appreciated :)

Part 5 coming soon!

Chapter 5: Chapter 5

Notes:

Thank you to everyone reading along and for all of the lovely comments - they truly keep me going!

'Cause we breakdown a  little,
But when you get me alone it's so simple
Cause baby, I know what you know
We can feel it'
- So It Goes, Taylor Swift

 

 

“Isabel,” Samantha greeted her eagerly as she walked into the kitchen. Belly had slept in much later than she had intended, the night before was still coming back to her. She had recoiled this morning at the memory of sobbing to Conrad. 

“Good morning,” Belly smiled, pouring herself a cup of coffee in the Simpson’s mug, “Where are the boys?”

“Jere’s taking a nap, we were up early.” Samantha said, “I’m not sure where Conrad went.”

Belly nodded and assessed the damage in the kitchen. By the looks of it, Jeremiah had cooked breakfast. The sink was filled with dishes, a pan with burnt eggs was still on the stovetop and there was jam smeared on the kitchen island. 

“Listen, I’m so sorry if I made things weird last night. I was really tipsy and I say dumb things when I drink. I didn’t mean to offend you.” Samantha looked at Belly sincerely. At least she wasn’t the only one who had woken up with regrets. 

“It’s fine, really it is.”

“Can I ask you something?” Samantha didn’t wait for Belly to answer before she continued, “You and Conrad…are you like together again?”

“No,” Belly answered so quickly that she realized she probably sounded suspicious, “We’re friends. It’s all very…complicated, as I’m sure Jere has told you.”

“Are you just–um, you know what, I’m sorry I shouldn’t pry. Especially after last night.” Samantha chuckled self consciously. 

“It’s okay, I’m sure our dynamic is just…awful and strange from the outside. I mean, I was engaged to your boyfriend and I dated your boyfriend's brother. It’s all very messy. I would feel weird about it, too if I were you.” 

Belly suddenly felt sympathy for Sam, until now she hadn’t actually put herself in the other woman’s shoes. It would be hard to be around your boyfriend’s ex no matter the circumstances, but the complicated factors surrounding this situation in particular made it even more confusing for an outsider. How dysfunctional they must seem to her, Belly thought. 

“It’s not that, I’m good with weird things.” Samantha smiled, “I really don’t want to pry, I just… I saw Conrad coming out of your room this morning.” She bit her bottom lip and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, “I wouldn’t blame you if you guys were hooking up. I mean, the way he defended you last night. That was hot.”

Belly shook her head, “He…no, we…” 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything.” Samantha waved her hand, as if she was fanning the idea away, “If you don’t want to talk about it, we definitely don’t have to. Like I said, I wasn’t trying to pry.”

“We aren’t hooking up, he didn’t…he wasn’t in my room this morning?” It came out like a question. Belly was thinking back on the night, had she forgotten something? She would definitely remember if she had gone to bed with Conrad. No, she was sure she had gone to bed alone.

“LIke I said, we don’t have to talk about it” Samantha said, her tone as if she didn’t believe Belly, “I’m probably confused.”

“We are good, don’t worry about it.” Belly refilled her coffee and headed back toward the stairs.

 

---

 

Belly changed into her swimsuit and walked down to the beach with a towel and a copy of The Great Gatsby tucked under arm, another classic reread from Susannah’s bookshelf. She had stopped reading after a while, and was instead thinking of Gatsby and that green light. The way he stretched his arms out towards something he couldn’t reach – is that what she had been doing? This game she was playing with him, this flirtatious dance around one another, were they like Gatsby? Were they reaching toward something they’d never again be able to hold. 

When she went up to bed the night before, she had reached in the back of her nightstand drawer and pulled out the infinity necklace. It had been safely tucked away there for almost a decade. She held it in her hands, ran her finger along the curves of the symbol. In her drunken state, she had almost put it around her neck.

She sat on the beach with her thoughts, her longing and her fear until her stomach started to growl and she had no choice but to go back to reality. She could hear the music that Jeremiah and Samantha were playing outside before she saw them. They were somehow both squeezed onto one of the old pool floats, a drink in each of their hands. She couldn’t even think of drinking after last night. 

“Hey Bells,” Jere called out over the music when he saw her, “Connie’s looking for you.”

He was in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher when she walked in. He paused and smiled at her, “I thought maybe you had run away.”

“And where would I go?” She teased, “Don’t tell me you cleaned up the kitchen disaster by yourself?”

“It was driving me crazy. He’s a child.” Conrad shook his head, and shut the dishwasher door, “Here, I grabbed us breakfast since they tore apart the kitchen and didn’t even make enough to share.”

He slid a brown bakery box across the counter. Inside were two of her favorite muffins, “Thank you,”

She was equally relieved and disappointed that he wasn’t bringing up the events of the night before. A part of her was hoping that he would be the one to call attention to the moment that they shared, to confirm the things he implied when he was drunk and his guard was down. The other part of her, the part that was so afraid of losing him, was alleviated to not have to end the dance just yet. 

“Here–” He opened the fridge and fished out a water bottle, “get something in your stomach.”

She smiled at him in gratitude and took a big bite of the muffin. She realized now that she never fully appreciated this side of Conrad. He was the kind of person who would do the dishes that were left in the sink, and make sure the gutters were cleared out, and the pantry was stocked with everyone’s favorite snacks. He had told her the night before that she was keeping the magic here alive, but he didn’t give himself enough credit. 

“I’m sorry for sobbing like an idiot last night,” Belly smiled apologetically between bites of the muffin. He had truly meant it, she thought, when he said sugar for breakfast was a doctor’s order this summer. 

“Don’t be,” He put his elbows on the counter across from her and leaned toward her, “I’m serious. We all had way too much to drink. I don’t even remember falling asleep on the couch.”

“Well,” Belly laughed, “Sam seems to think we’re sneaking around. She asked if we’re hooking up, she said she saw you sneaking out of my room this morning.”

Conrad let out a strange snort and then chuckled, “Probably Jere putting ideas in her head. I think he’d feel less guilty about everything that happened between you two if that were true.”

“You really had no idea that me and Jere hadn’t…” She made a strange motion with her hand, that even she wasn’t sure about. Conrad seemed to pick up her drift though, he smiled and shook his head.

“It wasn’t my business.”

“Well, I mean, it kind of was.” She said quietly, “I wouldn’t blame you if you had wondered.”

He moved around to the side of the island that she was sitting at and swiveled her stool around until she was facing him. Her heart was racing. 

“I didn’t say I didn’t wonder, Belly,” He never broke eye contact, “I said it wasn’t my business.”

He reached up and brushed a crumb of muffin from her bottom lip. It isn’t enough, she thinks, when he pulls away. Her whole body burns for him, aching for him to touch her. She practically arches her back toward him. 

“I wondered, too. About you.”

He’s opening his mouth to reply when the sliding glass door opens and they’re interrupted by Jeremiah and Samantha walking across the kitchen, leaving a trail of water behind them. 

“Hey, Connie, can we talk for a minute?” Jere asks, motioning for Conrad to follow him upstairs. Conrad's jaw clenches. He grabs a thick folder off the counter and follows after his brother, stealing one longing glance back at Belly whose cheeks are still flush with want. 

Belly feels selfish for thinking it, but she will be relieved when Jeremiah leaves the next day. 

---

 

Belly had to swim laps after that moment with Conrad to try to cool herself down. She felt desperate and needy, a way no man had ever made feel before. 

Eventually Jeremiah and Sam came back out to the pool, with drinks in hand and a bluetooth speaker blaring music Belly had never heard before. She watched them with a smile, truly happy that everything had turned out the way it had between her and Jere. In another life, if they hadn’t grown up so close, she would have never been able to forgive him. She was happy that it wasn’t another life, she was happy that she still had his friendship. 

Belly waited at the edge of the pool, hoping Conrad would come out and join them. Instead, he walked silently past them down toward the beach with the weed whacker in hand. He looked stormy and deep in thought. 

“What’s with him?” Belly asked Jeremiah. This mood had started after the two of them went to talk earlier that day. He had to have an idea of what was going on. 

“He’s just a dick sometimes, don’t mind him.” Jeremiah responded, swimming over to the end of the pool to turn up the music with his phone. 

Belly looked over the fence and tried to will Conrad to look up at her. Something was clearly bothering him, she just wasn’t sure what. He had been perfectly happy just a few hours earlier, and had left her wanting more of him. The fear that maybe they had really taken it too far this time, maybe he was about to shut her out, was at the surface. She needed to know what was bothering him. 

“Is this about last night? I really don’t want you guys fighting because of me!” Belly was having to compete with the noise of the music and the weed wacker, even though she was only a few feet away from Jeremiah. 

“It’s not about you, Belly,” Jeremiah shouted back, just as the weed wacker finally cut off, “Just leave it. He’s fine.”

“Ok,” Belly nodded, not able to stop from glancing again toward Conrad who was now walking back up toward the house. 

“I’m going on a grocery run, does anyone need anything?” He paused as he passed, he had taken his shirt off and it was draped over his shoulder. They had been here together for weeks now, but this was somehow the first glance she was getting of grown up Conrad shirtless. Her mouth felt dry as she imagined what it would be like to press her own naked chest against his. To feel the weight of him on top of her again. 

“We’re fine.” Jeremiah replied flatly. 

“Um, let me change quickly. I’ll come with you.” Belly said quickly, pulling herself up and out of the pool. 

 

---

 

They walked wordless down the aisles of the market. Without even needing to ask, he selected her favorite items from the shelves and loaded the cart with their supplies for the week. 

“Ooh, remember these?” She said, grabbing a pack of orange juice boxes off the shelf. She was trying to bring him out of this mood, “We snuck down to the kitchen one night and drank the whole pack, the moms banned them for the rest of that summer.”

He chuckled half-heartedly, “Yeah.” 

She watched him closely the rest of the trip, trying to figure out what was eating him. They were on the ride home when he suddenly took a sharp right turn where he should have taken a left. 

“Let’s grab an early dinner, I don’t want to go back yet.” He said, not taking his eyes off of the road, “Is that okay?”

“Of course.” She smiled to herself, happy that he seemed to want more time alone with her too. They hadn’t grown sick of that yet, and she wondered if she ever could. Belly appreciated her alone time. She usually grew sick of being around people constantly fairly quickly. Even when they were younger and Taylor would come and visit the beach house, Belly was always ready to have her space back to herself by the time the week was over. 

Or maybe, the cynical side of her thought, Conrad wanted to talk to her out of the house to tell her he wasn’t interested. Maybe he was going to call off the game they were playing, tell her the flirting and the touching needed to stop. He wouldn’t want to have that conversation at the house, especially not with Jeremiah there. 

They sat in a thick, awkward silence while they waited for their food to arrive. Her head was spinning, and he remained unreadable. 

“Is everything alright?” She finally asked, unable to bear his broodiness for another second, “I know I was a mess last night. If I said or did something to upset you, I’m really sorry.”

“Oh, Belly, no,” He looked as if he was surprised, “Of course it’s not you.”

“Did something happen between you and Jere? I really don’t want to come between you two again.”

“It’s not that,” He shook his head, “I don’t want to drag you into it, Belly.”

She sighed, getting a little frustrated. He always took everything on by himself, as soon as something went wrong he would shut everyone out. It couldn’t be like that anymore. She needed him to let her in, but she knew he couldn’t do it without a push. 

“Was it about the mess? I know he doesn’t clean up after himself and I saw you cleaned the kitchen after he cooked this morning.” 

He smirked at how well she knew him, “In part, I guess. It’s more than that though.”

“Well tell me,” She kicked him jokingly under the table, “You don’t have to bottle it all up. Something is bothering you, so spill. Talking helps, I swear.”

He shrugged and then took a sip of water. He was thinking that she would keep talking and he would somehow find a way out of opening up. It wouldn’t work, though. She was using a technique she’d used with students who struggled to open up to her. She would wait out the silence, eventually he’d crack.

“He’s not helping me, at all.” Conrad finally said.

“With…cleaning?” She asked quizzically. Their food arrived and she started to dig in while waiting for his response. 

He picked up his fork and then set it back down again, “No, it’s…” He rubbed his eyes, “It's the principle of it I guess. My dad put the house in our names a few years ago, it’s our responsibility now. There’s upkeep, the house is getting older. We need to keep up with things, make sure it stays in good shape. And there are bills, taxes… we’re supposed to share this, but he puts it all off on me.”

“I didn’t realize…” She felt so immature for not having realized the responsibility that came with the beach house. Of course there was upkeep and bills to consider. She had always just shown up to the house, she had never considered that someone had to be responsible for making sure the roof didn’t leak and the lights stayed on. 

“I’ve been getting after him all year trying to come up with a plan for splitting everything up. It’s not about the bills, I’ll pay them myself I don’t care. And if he doesn’t want to dry off before he walks through the door or rinse his dishes when he’s done, then fine I’ll do that, too. He was robbed of the mothering he needed, we lost her too soon. He needs to be able to come in the summer and act like she’s still there…But, if he could at least show some responsibility. Commit to a weekend to come help me reside the garage, or mow the fucking lawn every once in a while.” 

Conrad shook his head, and considered his words, “He just wants to throw money at everything. I asked him to help me with the lawn this morning and he told me to hire someone.”

“Yeah, thats–”

“I’m sorry, Belly, I shouldn’t be dragging you into this. It’s between me and Jere and it’s not fair of me to be telling you these things.” He looked embarrassed. 

“No, Conrad, really. You have no idea how much it means that you’re opening up to me.” She said firmly and truthfully, “I didn’t realize you were taking it all on by yourself. It never occurred to me that you would be responsible for the house now, but it should have. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. I love that house.”

“I know you do, Belly, thank you.” He smiled across the table at her, so warmly that it must have her lit her up from within. 

“So it’s really just about the house then, you promise you guys aren’t fighting about last night? Because I’m fine, I really don’t think Samantha meant any harm.”

Conrad swallowed thickly, “It’s not just about the house.I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I have a feeling you’re going to draw it out of me either way…”

“What?” She urged and he made a face, as if he was wincing. 

“He asked me for my mom’s ring, or his blessing to have it. Adam already gave it to him, but he wanted my go-ahead,” He breathed and shook his head, “He’s going to propose.”

“Oh,” Belly felt her gut turn. She was happy for Jeremiah, but something stung. It wasn’t that he had moved on, nothing even close to that. She turned her feelings over in her head, unsure of exactly what she was feeling. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry.” Conrad made a face again, “I just…I wanted you to hear it from me. I wasn’t sure how you’d feel. I really didn’t want to keep it from you, I’ve been…conflicted all day.”

“I’m not bothered, not that he wants to get married.” She assured him truthfully, “It’s just… he’s giving her Susannah’s ring.”

There it was, the thing that was hurting. The realization that Jeremiah had never considered her for his mother’s ring. The weight of the mistakes she had made was sometimes so heavy that it could crush her. 

“I know,” He replied and reached across the table, he placed his hand on top of her own and looked at her so lovingly. He understood her. He had understood what would sting before she had even figured it out herself. 

She had already decided a long time ago that the whole engagement to Jeremiah had been childish on both ends. He had proposed in a guilt-stricken panic because he didn’t want to lose her, she had accepted because she didn’t want to be alone. She didn’t want to be rejected by another Fisher boy. She wanted the pain of losing Conrad, that ache that she still felt so deeply to have been worth something. For it to have meaning. It hadn’t, though. Not really. Not to her and not to Jeremiah, so it shouldn’t be surprising that he didn’t ask for Susannah’s ring then, but he was now to propose to someone who had never even met her.

“Belly,” He said, giving her hand a squeeze, “You don’t deserve that ring. That ring came from a marriage built on lies and deception. Sure, she wore it. But it didn’t mean anything, nothing good at least.”

“I know, of course,” If the roles had been reserved, and it was Conrad who had proposed to her back then it wouldn’t have been with Susannah’s ring either. But not for the same reason as Jeremiah, that was what stung. Conrad wouldn’t have given it to her, because he wouldn’t want her to have a ring from a tainted marriage. Jeremiah didn’t see his dad or his parents’ marriage in the same light. He didn’t give it to her because deep down he had always known it wasn't real. 

“You’re not upset about him proposing though?”

Belly shook her head in response, “Not as long as we don’t have to plan another party because so far we suck at it.”

He smirked at her, but his eyes still held a question. Belly sensed that he was holding back, that maybe a part of him had been afraid that she would react poorly to the news. 

“Conrad,” Belly cleared her throat, “Do you want me to tattoo it on my forehead, would you believe me then?”

“What?” He started to laugh, but she put her hand up and stopped him.

“I’m serious, what will it take for you to believe me when I say that there’s nothing there. There is nothing between me and Jeremiah. I’m not waiting for him.”

“Ok,” he threw his hands up in surrender, “I believe you. I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay…with everything.”

“I’m good with everything, Conrad.” She said and playfully kicked his foot under the table. 

 

---

 

When they returned home, Jeremiah and Samantha were at the kitchen table playing a game of cards. Conrad could feel Belly’s eyes on him as he took in the kitchen. They had left it spotless, and it was once again a disaster zone. How could two people create so much mess? He sucked in a sharp breath and faked a smile, really not wanting Belly to see him be an asshole anymore that she already had. 

“I’m going to go on a run.” Conrad said tensely after they had unloaded the groceries. They had laughed about the melted ice cream, collateral damage of his spontaneous decision to go out to eat on the way home. 

She nodded in response, and reached over to give his arm a light squeeze before letting him walk away. Conrad had lived a pretty solitude life as of late. Not in a lonely or depressing kind of way, he was content with his life for the most part. He had lived alone for so long, he had grown used to eating dinner alone and unloading the groceries alone. To carrying his troubles and his thoughts alone. He was getting too used to Belly’s company, the thought had occurred to him that he would have to adjust to being apart from her again once summer ended. 

That wasn’t a new concept, the end of summer was always a looming presence when they were kids. They’d get so used to being all together, in one big house for what felt like the most important part of the year and they’d have to pack up and go home. They’d see each other periodically throughout the school year - but it wasn’t the same as when they were all sleeping under the same roof. 

This felt different though. The thought of not seeing her in the kitchen every morning with her bed head and wrinkled pajama shirt, or curled up on the end of the couch reading a dog eared book, biting her bottom lip the way she did when she was concentrating…that’s what made his chest clench in panic. 

They had agreed as teenagers that they could never be with someone who didn’t give them fireworks. That was still true to him, and she still electrified his heart and set his mind on fire. But at the same time, it was steady. It was real. She made him a better version of himself.  

Jere was wrong, it wasn’t how she looked at him that was rare. It was how completely and wholly himself he was when he was with her that was truly rare. 

He couldn’t even begin to put into words how badly he didn’t want to lose that again. 

When Conrad walked back through the kitchen door from his run an hour later, he was surprised to see his brother mopping the floor. The dishes had been done, counters wiped down. 

“Don’t look so surprised,” Jere smiled, “I’m not a complete caveman.”

Conrad resisted the urge to point out the spots that Jere had missed, “Who are you and where is my brother?”

“Ha. Ha.” Jeremiah left the mop leaning against the counter and walked over to the table to retrieve something. It was Conrad’s file folder, the one with all of the paperwork, bills and lists of repairs the house needed. He had shown it to his brother earlier that day, and had been brushed off,  “Here, I looked it over. I want to start helping. I made a list of what projects I’ll take on in the fall and if you want me to help with the taxes I’ll draw my share from my trust.”

“Thanks, Jere,” Conrad replied, looking up to see Belly leaning in the doorway. She smiled and winked at his questioning gaze. It was her, of course it was her. 

“Thank you,” He mouthed to her with a grin. 

Fuck, he thought, how will I ever live without you again?

 

---

Belly’s birthday was the following week. She had made no plans, and Conrad was cautious as to what the best way to approach the day would be. He’d asked her at least three times if she was sure she didn’t want to go back home for the day, he’d drive her if she wanted. No one was able to make it to Cousins since it was in the middle of the week. She insisted it was fine, “I’m turning 26, not 16. It’s really no big deal.”

It felt like a big deal, though. He had been with her for her first 16 birthdays, and then missed the following 9. He wanted it to be special. He wanted her to know that she was special. 

He drove over to the bakery first thing in the morning, hoping that today wouldn’t be the day that Belly woke up early. Laurel had ordered a cake and asked him to pick it up. 

After picking up the cake he drove over to the party supply store and picked out a pack of pink candles, and a bunch of shiny, golden balloons. Standing in the aisle filled with birthday decorations, he felt completely out of his element. He had never bought anyone birthday decorations before. After careful contemplation, he decided on the metallic birthday banner and threw in a ‘birthday girl’ tiara for good measure. 

He checked his phone for the time on his way out, he had a few hours before Belly would wake up and groggily make her way downstairs for coffee. There was one final stop before he could start making his way back to set everything up. 

---

“Conrad Fisher?” He heard a voice asking behind him as he was dusting off his hands from loading Belly’s gift into the back of his vehicle. He had laid down an old bed sheet, but he was sure there would still be a mess. 

It took him a few seconds to recognize the man standing behind him. He was taller, scruffier. Conrad laughed in greeting, “Cam Cameron?”

“I haven’t seen you in ages, man. I’ve run into your brother a few times here and there but you’re like a ghost,” Cam reached out and shook his head, “How’ve you been?”

“Yeah, I moved to California. It wasn’t as easy to get back here for the summer.” 

Some people drift in and out of our lives. Someone you know as a teenager, is a complete stranger by your mid-twenties. Conrad told Cam that he was moving back to the east coast, they’d stay in touch. He planned on being in Cousins much more now. Cam filled Conrad in on his life, he had a baby girl and had just completed a marine biology doctorate program. 

“Hey, it was good to catch up with you man. I just, I have to get going - it’s Belly’s birthday, I’m trying to get back home before she wakes up.” Conrad said, throwing his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the house.

“I should’ve guessed you and Belly would be together. Have you popped the question yet?” Cam smiled sincerely, fishing his own keys from his pocket.

“No,” Conrad smiled, “I want to finish my residency program first, but you know how it goes. We’ll see.”

Conrad surprised himself with his lie. He didn’t even really think about it, it just happened. It felt easier to let Cam believe he was with Belly than to explain the whole truth to him. What was he supposed to say?

No, we’re actually not together. I muffed it all up about a decade ago and now I somehow convinced her to spend the summer with me under the guise of planning a party that we haven’t even actually started to plan yet. I’d tell her I’m in love with her but the last time I tried that she stopped talking to me. Yeah, it’s pretty complicated. That’s the Fisher way, apparently. 

“Good for you guys. I’ll let you get going,” Cam started to walk away and then turned back and pointed in jest, “I’ll be waiting for the wedding invite, though.”

“You got it,” Conrad laughed and climbed back into his car. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, “Fuck, what is the matter with me?”

Notes:

This was almost one long chapter, but I had to cut it because the rest of Belly's birthday deserves its own space. Trust me... ;)

Chapter 6: Chapter 6

Notes:

As promised, here is Part 6 - Belly's birthday chapter.

*Please note, the rating is M. If you are offended by or don't like to read a little spice kindly scroll through it. It isn't a large part of this story, but I did warn things would heat up eventually ;)

All of this silence and patience,
pining in anticipation,
my hands are shaking from holding back from you
- Dress, Taylor Swift

 

Belly had decided as a teenager that summertime was meant for sleeping in. She still stuck to this idea as an adult, but on the morning of her twenty-sixth birthday she woke with an anxious pit in her stomach that she couldn't explain. It was a full two hours earlier than her usual wake up time, but no matter what she did she couldn't fall back asleep. It wasn’t until she heard her phone buzzing on her nightstand and checked her notifications that she remembered it was her birthday. She stretched to life and responded to the messages from Taylor and Steven, and her old college friends and then called Laurel. 

“Happy Birthday, Bean!” Her mom exclaimed, “Oh god, I can’t believe you’re twenty-six.”

She took her time getting ready, letting her mom chat longer than usual. She was finishing up a book tour, and hoping to get out to Cousins before summer’s end. Her mother’s grief broke Belly’s heart, she knew it was hard for Laurel to come to the beach house. While the kids had found comfort, Laurel had found emptiness when in Cousins without her companion.

Belly wanted to try to catch Conrad before he went out for his morning surf so she had her goodbyes to Laurel and promised to send her a birthday picture. Once she was in the hallway, she noticed that his door was wide open. She tiptoed and peeked her head around the corner, “Conrad?” But he wasn’t there. His room was neat and it smelt like him - not his cologne or his soap, but him. She used to dig her nose into the spot where his neck and shoulder met, it smelt like familiar comfort. 

She hadn’t expected anything for her birthday. In fact, she had made strict demands that it be treated like any other day. Conrad had offered to drive her home countless times, asking if she was sure she didn’t want to go back and hang out with Taylor for the day. It was a Wednesday, everyone was working, she had told him. That wasn’t exactly a lie, but the truth was that she didn’t want to leave this bubble. The only thing she wanted for her birthday was a perfect Cousins day. And Conrad Fisher, but that wasn’t anything new. 

Ok, just a regular day then? Conrad had confirmed with her the last time they had discussed her birthday. So, what she hadn’t expected, was what was waiting in the family room and kitchen for her that morning. He had filled every corner with golden balloons and hung a ‘Happy Birthday’ sign over the fireplace. A cake topped with strawberries sat in the middle of the kitchen island, next to a plastic tiara that said ‘birthday girl’ and a small gift bag. 

“Happy birthday,” He said walking through the side door sheepishly, “I didn’t expect you to be up yet. I was going to shower.”

He was filthy. His hands and the knees were covered in dirt, there was even a little smudge across his forehead. The sight of him delighted and confused Belly. 

“I wasn’t expecting this, Conrad. Thank you.” She stepped over to him, put her arms up and hesitated, “I want to hug you, but you look like you were out making mud pies?” 

He chucked, “Sorry, I thought I had more time.” He went to the sink and scrubbed his hands. Belly watched with fascination, the way he scrubbed his nails and up his wrists. He looked like he was scrubbing in for surgery, Belly smiled at the thought, realizing he really was washing his hands like a doctor.

He fished a champagne flute from the cupboard and made her a mimosa, “Stay here, drink this. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” She laughed, making herself comfortable at the kitchen table. She felt like a queen. 

Twenty minutes later he came back down the stairs with wet hair still dripping down his back and nothing but a pair of shorts on. The sight of shirtless Conrad made her blush, and she couldn’t help but watch the way his muscles flexed as he moved around the kitchen. She hadn't known how attractive a back could be until she watched him reach for something off the top shelf. 

He glanced up at her once and gave her a half smile. Wet hair, she remembered fondly, looked so romantic on Conrad. He worked quickly around the kitchen making breakfast, coming over to refill her mimosa in between flipping the bacon. 

“Okay, one Belly Birthday breakfast special,” He said, bringing the plate over to her. She smiled up at him, not able to suppress a happy laugh. He had made her Mickey Mouse pancakes, like her mom always had for her birthdays growing up.

“You remember everything,” She gushed.

“When it comes to you,” He replied with a sweet smile.

He grabbed his own plate and came and sat next to her. There they were, just the two of them sitting right next to each other at the big kitchen table eating their pancakes. She looked around the room again, taking in the balloons and the sign, and the streamers. 

“You didn’t have to do all this, Conrad,” She said, although she was so grateful that he had. After her twenty-first birthday she had started considering it just another day. She would still go and grab dinner with friends and stop over at her mom’s for cake, but this was the first birthday in a long time that she felt truly special. 

“I know, I just want you to have a good day,” He smiled, bringing his mug of coffee to his lips. She wondered what time he had to wake up to pull all of this off, “The day is yours, whatever you want to do just let me know.”

“Actually, I really need to go to the mall. I need something to wear to the party and the rehearsal dinner, I hate shopping alone. Will you come?”

“Of course,” He nudged her shoulder, “I was counting on it.”

He did the dishes and put the kitchen back in order while she ran upstairs to change. When she came back down, he was already waiting by the door with his car keys in hand, “Do you want your gift now or when we come back?” 

“Now?” She said sheepishly and turned back toward the kitchen, reaching for the small gift bag on the island.

“That’s for later,” He put his hand on her back and guided her outside, “this one is more of a…Well, you’ll see.”

“Is it a pony?” She joked, beaming at him. 

“Maybe next year,” He laughed, making her smile widen. Next year. God, she hoped she’d be here with him again next year. He led her to the side of the house, where Susannah and her mother used to plant small garden beds when they were younger. He came to a stop in front of a small tree with a mound of dirt at its base and it looked at her with an expectant smile. It was freshly planted. This is why he was dirty this morning. 

“A tree?” She said, trying to mask her confusion. 

“I stopped at the peach stand this morning, and the man who runs it was actually there. Can you believe that? No one is ever there. He’s very old and very crabby, by the way,” Conrad let out a chuck as he told the story, “I mean, very crabby. Anyways, it turns out his orchard is like twenty miles west of here.”

“Wait–” Belly looked from the tree to Conrad’s proud smile, “Is that?”

“Yeah,” He wrapped an arm around her shoulder, “A peach tree. I mean, there aren’t any peaches yet, but in 3-4 years you’ll have your very own peaches.”

“A gift that literally keeps on giving,” She said, pulling him into her for a hug. He held her tight and she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about the roots that he had quite literally planted here for the two of them, “So the guy just gave you a tree?” She asked with a laugh when they pulled apart.

“Not exactly." Conrad chuckled and ran a hand down his face, "I had to beg him to let me buy one of his trees. He made me sign a contract that we won’t try to profit off of this, so don’t get any wild ideas.”

“Damn, there goes my retirement pipedream.” Belly nudged him jokingly, still admiring the small tree and its tiny branches.

“I know it’s kind of a random gift, I just wanted to give you something…that would last.” He said the last part quietly. 

“This is the most perfect gift, Conrad.”

“Ok well, don’t get too excited. We’re going to have to learn how to take care of this thing now.”

 

---

 

If someone had told Belly six months ago that she would be walking around the mall with Conrad Fisher carrying her shopping bags, she would have laughed. This was a teenage dream. Except, she was now closer to thirty than she was eighteen.

He had been patient while she smelt every candle and body spray in Bath and Body Works, had held her purse for her while she tried on high heels for the wedding, and was now the vision of humility as he sat on the bench outside her fitting room in an upscale boutique that was likely way out of her budget.

“Conrad?” Belly called out over the door, “Taylor isn’t answering my facetime and I need an opinion on this dress. Is that too weird?”

“Um,” Conrad responded, “I’m sure it looks good, Belly.”

“I’m worried it’s too much,” She said, swinging the fitting room door open and gesturing toward her chest, “here.”

Conrad gulped, raking his eyes over her body. It was a silk dress in a deep emerald green. The bodice was fitted and a lower cut than he had ever seen Belly wear before. The way the dress hugged every curve of her body. Jesus, he was only human. He had checked her out plenty over the summer, of course he had. She walked around in a bathing suit half the time and her little pajama shorts the other half. But, those were stolen glances. This was invited, so he allowed himself to really look and let his eyes linger as they traveled the curve of her hip to her waist and over her chest until his eyes finally landed on hers. 

“Too much, right?” She said, embarrassed and started to pull the fitting door back in.

“No, Belly, it…” He swallowed hard, trying to shut out the thoughts he was having. He couldn’t stop himself from imagining following her into that little fitting room and pulling the straps of the dress down her shoulders… “You look…” He was a fumbling fool, a whole beat passed before he could finally choke out, “Incredible.”

“Really?” She asked, turning to look in the mirror which gave him his first view of the way the dress fit around her ass… He really needed to stop or he wouldn’t be able to stand up and walk out of here. 

He wasn’t sure it was safe for him to be around her in that dress. He didn’t consider himself to be a possessive kind of guy, but he did want her like this for himself. 

“Really, Belly, this is...you look great." 

She blushed, and smoothed her hands down the front of the dress, “Okay, I’m going to get it for the rehearsal dinner then.”

“I’m going to go grab us coffees, I’ll meet you just outside okay?” He said, standing hesitantly. 

Belly stood in line at the register, checking the price tag again. It was more than she would usually spend on a dress, but it was beautiful. She paused, and looked back toward the other racks of dresses. Maybe she should put it back and try the department store again.

“Was this all, miss?” One of the employees asked, as she grabbed the dress from Belly’s hands and started to zip it into a white garment bag. Belly wanted to object, but she felt too stupid to back out of the sale now, so she reached in her purse. 

“I’ll put it on this,” The lady looked at Belly confused as she tried to hand over her credit card. 

“Oh no, you’re already set.” The woman smiled. 

“I think you have me confused,” Belly said, offering her credit card again, “I haven’t paid yet.”

“The gentleman you came in with already settled the bill, miss. You’re set.” She handed Belly the garment bag with a knowing smirk. 

She found Conrad waiting for her outside the boutique, two cardboard coffee cups in hand. He looked at her shyly, it reminded her of when he was a little boy. 

“You didn’t have to do that,” She said, accepting the coffee as he handed it to her, “thank you.”

It was in part a selfish decision. He almost hadn’t done it, but the thought of her in that dress had driven him wild. It made him possessive in a way he had never felt before. Primal, he wanted to mark his territory in some way. She would turn heads in that dress, of that he was sure, but he would be the one who bought it for her. 

“It’s your birthday,” He shrugged. 

“You already got me a gift.” She argued, still feeling giddy about the tree. 

“Is there a limit on gifts?” He joked. 

“There might have to be with you,” she laughed. 

 

---

 

For dinner, Conrad brought her to a new restaurant on the water that he had heard had the best lobster dinner in Cousins. “I’m sure you have new birthday traditions, it’s just what I think of on your birthday.” He told her shyly as they pulled into the parking lot. 

“It’s perfect,” Belly had beamed, “I always think of Susannah on my birthday, she’d go all out for me.”

“Yeah,” Conrad smiled, “Me and Jere used to joke that you were her favorite child. I think she would’ve traded us for you in a heartbeat.”

They laughed and reminisced about Susannah and their childhoods. How special it all really was, how they hadn’t appreciated it as kids but now it seemed so big and so important. Those perfect, endless summers that their mothers had gifted them. 

When they got home, he placed 26 pink candles on top of the cake from her mom. He worked quickly to get them lit, burning the tips of his clumsy fingers more than once. 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…” He sang to her, his voice choppy as he held back an embarrassed laugh, “Your favorite part, make a wish.” 

How many years has she blown out her candles and wished for Conrad Fisher? 16? More, if she was being honest. She used to wish for him to kiss her or wake up the next day madly in love with her. This year, her 26th year, she wished to keep him. To never lose him again, even if that meant she could only have him as a friend. 

“I promised Laurel I’d send her a picture of you with the cake,” Conrad said after she had blown out the candles, and took out his phone to snap a few pictures. 

“Take one with me,” She grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer to her. He grabbed the birthday girl tiara from the island and placed it gently on the crown of her head with a laugh. 

After they each finished a slice of cake, Conrad cleared his throat and picked up the gift bag that was still on the counter. 

“Last one, I promise,” He said, placing the bag in her hands. 

“You…” She shook her head at him in mock anger, “A birthday limit is being imposed from here on out.”

“This is more of a hand-me-down, it doesn’t really count.” He said motioning for her to open the bag, “I just wanted you to have it.”

She threw the tissue paper to the side and reached into the bag, her hand landed on a small, velvet box. She looked at him with questioning eyes and he nodded once, signaling for her to proceed. 

Inside the box was a dainty loop chain gold bracelet with a single pearl in the middle of the chains, “This is beautiful, Conrad. But, it’s too much. You’ve given me so much already.”

“It was my mom’s, I want you to have it,” He leaned forward and took it from the box, “I gave it to her on her last birthday. I saved up my own money for months.”

He turned her arm over, ran a finger gently across the veins at her wrist and then looked at her. His eyes were so soft, so full of love she could have fallen to the floor in front of him. He was giving her the last gift he had ever given his mother. 

“You want me to have it?”

“It’s not that nice, really,” He chuckled, placing it around her wrist, “I saved up what I could, but you know…she had nicer jewelry.” 

Like her engagement ring. 

“It’s not about the cost, Conrad,” She whispered, “This is meaningful to you, I’m sure it was to Susannah too. I don’t want you to regret giving it to me. What if you get married one day and wish you’d saved it for her.”

His head was bent down, he was focused on clasping the bracelet now. He looked up over his eyelashes at her for a second, a flash of a glance, and half smirked. A short snort of a laugh escaped his lips. 

“I’m being serious, Conrad.”

“I am too, Belly,” He said, finally getting the bracelet clasped, “This is yours.”

“Ok,” She caved, knowing that once Conrad’s mind was made up there was no going back, “Thank you. For everything.”

“Of course,” He turned her arm over with his hand, and examined the pearl. Finally, he looked up at her. His face was serious, stoic almost and his eyes wandered around her face. From her lips to her eyes and back again. She had the feeling that he was about to kiss her. They stood there like that, quietly searching each other for what could have either been a few seconds or ten whole minutes, Belly really couldn’t say.

Just kiss me, she thought. But he pressed his lips together and cleared his throat. 

“I’m going to head down to the beach and make a bonfire, meet me down there in a bit?” He said, already stepping away. She nodded and watched him go. 

 

---

 

“Bellllly,” Taylor crooned on the other end of the phone, “He so clearly wants you! Are you kidding?” 

She was unpacking her bags from the mall and catching Taylor up on the events of the day. She had decided to shower and change into more comfortable clothes before going down to the beach to meet Conrad. 

“I don’t know, I keep thinking something’s going to happen and then he pulls away.” Belly put her phone on speaker and set it on top of her vanity as she brushed her hair. 

“This is Conrad you’re talking about, okay, he isn’t going to do something unless he knows you’re comfortable.” Taylor paused for a moment, “You know I was not exactly on board with you going there for the summer and I haven't been the biggest Conrad supporter in the past. You’re still in love with him and I was worried you’d get hurt again, but I think I was wrong.”

“You? Wrong?” Belly joked. 

“Ha. Ha. Everyone is wrong sometimes. I’m just saying, Belly, from the outside it’s very clear that he feels the same way.”

“I don’t know,” Belly shook her head, even though Taylor couldn’t see her, “I can’t let things get messed up again. He’s too important to me. This summer, it feels like coming home. Does that make sense? It’s like we just pick up where we left off. I thought maybe it would be awkward, but he’s still just Conrad.”

“Your  Conrad,” Taylor corrected, “So make a move already.”

---

 

Belly was surprised when she noticed Conrad standing at the end of the dock as she made her way down toward the beach. He was so deep in thought, he didn’t even seem to hear her coming until she was standing beside him. 

“Changed your mind about the fire?” She asked, kicking off her sandals and leaning against the rail next to him. 

He clicked his tongue and pointed up towards the cloudy night sky, “I think it’s going to rain,” he leaned closer to her and pointed out toward the water, “You see how still it is? The water always looks like glass before a storm.” 

Belly squinted her eyes at the water and then at him. He had always been so observant. He noticed the things that no one else stopped to see. 

“You had a good birthday?”

She smiled and nudged his shoulder, “Yes, thank you. I really wasn’t expecting anything.”

“I know,” he looked at her again, the same we had earlier in the day. He could be so intense, she almost squirmed under his gaze, “I’m glad that you agreed to spend the summer here.”

“Me too,”

“You know, I almost didn’t even send you that text. I thought I could just show up to the wedding, play the part of best man, make it through the day and then leave again.” He took a breath, “I thought maybe you wouldn’t want to see me, but then you did. And when I saw you again, when you walked through the doors of that restaurant it was like… there you were, different yet somehow still the same. I'm not going to be able to leave again.”

She bit the inside of her cheek, and nodded. She didn’t trust her words. 

“Just promise me, Belly,” He reached toward her and pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ears, “That we’ll stay in each other's lives always. I don’t want to lose you again. When the summer ends, just, you know, call me sometimes.”

“Of course.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. She wanted to tell him that's what she had wished for when she blew out her candles, but she was worried that if she told her wish it wouldn’t come true. 

“Okay.” He nodded.

“Okay.” She said weakly, Taylor’s words still ringing in her head. Make a move already.

Slowly, she lifted a hand toward him and tenderly placed it on his cheek. His eyes were searching her face. When she brushed inward with her thumb, he let out an audible sigh of comfort. It occurred to her then, that he had been the one who was bold with the touching so far this summer. She hadn’t returned it, not really. Was he feeling as electric right now as she had when he touched her?

He placed one hand on her hips and pulled her body closer into his, wrapping his other arm around her back, his fingers tangled in her hair.  

“Belly,” He whispered to her lips as her hand slipped from his cheek and onto the nape of his neck. 

She felt a shiver of longing run through her body, straight to her gut. He parted his lips, as if he was going to say something but then pressed them shut and drew in a small breath. Her heart was beating so fast she was sure that he could feel it, possibly even hear it. He pulled her even closer into him, their bodies now pressed together. Her breath caught in her throat at the feel of her chest pressing into this. He leaned in further, so close now that their noses were almost touching. 

There was nowhere for her to look, but straight at him. His eyes bore a look of painful desperation, tilting his head so that his nose touched hers softly. He wasn’t going to lean in that last inch, she realized, he was waiting for her. 

She sucked in a sharp breath and when she exhaled it almost came as a hungry whimper, she wanted him so badly. More than ever before. Their lips hadn’t even touched, and yet her limbs were like jelly and the pit of her stomach was burning hot with want. 

In one swift motion, she lifted her head until their lips met. A reunion. It was soft at first, tender and tentative. Both of his hands moved up until he was cradling her face in between his palms, for one brief moment he pulled away to look looked into her eyes before pulling her back in. This time their lips parted, he tasted like the champagne buttercream her birthday cake had been iced with. 

A sound escaped the back of his throat, and she pulled him in closer from the back of his neck just as his hands made contact with her ass. She was wearing a thin pair of linen shorts, the warmth from his hands seeped through but it didn’t feel like enough. She wanted his skin on her skin, and so she pressed her core further into this trying to convey to him what she wanted. 

One of his hands went up her back and then down again, fumbling frantically until it found the bottom of her shirt. She wrapped her arms even tighter around him as his hand made contact with her back. He drew his hand up until it landed on the clasp of her bra.  When she pressed into him again, she could feel him hard against her. 

She didn’t want to stop. But as drops of water hit their cheeks, he slowly drew his lips from hers and looked up. When his eyes met hers again, she saw the fire. She could read how badly he wanted it, how badly he wanted her. 

“Fuck,” His voice was strained, he placed one quick peck on her lips and the rain picked up from a drizzle to a downpour. A crack of thunder reverberated around them, “Come on,” He grabbed her hand. 

They ran back up to the house, laughing as the rain dumped on them. By the time they made it back inside, they were drenched. He hadn’t let go of her hand. 

Conrad swallowed hard, and looked her up and down, “Let’s dry off,” 

He grabbed towels from the upstairs linen closet, and handed one to her. Neither of them were sure exactly what the other was feeling, or how to pick back up where the rain had interrupted them. “Did you want to…” He looked at her bedroom door, “Change or something.”

“Oh,” She said surprised, “Yeah, I guess.”

She wasn’t sure if he was being careful, or if he truly couldn’t read what she wanted which was for him to peel her wet clothes from her body himself. 

He nodded once and turned toward his door, hesitating for a moment in the doorway before stepping through. She watched as he lifted his shirt from his back and tossed it in the hamper.

Reluctantly, she turned and went to her room. She undressed quickly, leaving her clothes in a messy pile in the middle of the floor and stood in front of the mirror. With a hand still shaking with want, she traced her way down her stomach. Fuck it, she thought and grabbed her robe from the foot of her bed.  

She knocked once on Conrad’s door, he opened it less than a second later as if he had been waiting for her. His hair was wet, just the way she liked it. A devilish, crooked smile flashed across his face as he watched her run her eyes down his body from his bare chest to the bulge pressing tightly against the front of his shorts. 

Her voice was low, needy, “I don't want to stop.”

He nodded once and drew her close to his body, pressing a kiss tenderly to first her forehead and then her lips. He gripped the back of her robe in his hands, pressing into her again. The fire within each of them roared back to life, bodies burning with something more than want. 

They fell back onto the bed, him on top of her. She could feel his erection pulsing against her thighs as he pulled at the knot in her robe and let it fall open. She sat up slightly, slipping her arms out until she was bare in front of him. A blush crept up her cheeks as his gaze traveled up her body. She whimpered when they made eye contact and he kissed her again, pressing his bare chest into hers. The warmth of their skin meeting sent tingles down her body. She wrapped both legs around him and pulled him in closer, grinding her hips against his. She was bare against his shorts. 

When one of his hands trailed down her body, to her most sensitive part she gasped. This was what she had been craving for weeks. It didn't feel real, her head was spinning with desire. He paused and looked at her with question in his eyes, needing reassurance. 

“Don’t stop,” She breathed, arching into his hand. 

The familiar sensation of release was building throughout her body. It had been so long coming, this moment, that she knew it wouldn't take much for him to unravel her. On more than one occasion in her past, she had closed her eyes and thought of him while with another man. It wasn't something she was proud of, but it was fact. Attraction wasn't something a person could help, neither was desire or lust. The primal need between two people. 

He planted a soft kiss to her lips and looked to where he was stroking her, a hoarse grunt escaped his lips. It was the sexiest sound Belly had ever heard. A flush of desire overtook his face and he leaned forward, quickly taking one of her breasts into this mouth. Her hands tangled into his hair and her head fell back involuntary. It was like nothing she had never felt before. He flicked his tongue across her nipple and sucked in time with the rhythm of his fingers working her over. Beneath him, her body shook and her hips jerked as she came undone with a low moan. 

Gently, she shoved his head up and reached eagerly for his shorts. The thought occurred to her, that this was the first time they were ever having sex on a bed. They had done it on the floor, in the back of his car on a few occasions, and once up against a bathroom sink when they were together. But never in a bed, and never quite like this. 

She wrapped a hand around him and stoked gently, drawing him closer to where she wanted him. “You’re sure?” He asked and she whispered back, “Yes.”

Before they had ever been together, she had fantasized of the day that Conrad would use one of his top dresser drawer condoms with her. She used to sneak into his room after he had left for the day and count them, her heart sinking if there was one less. The year that he first kissed her, the same six condoms had remained all summer. It occurred to her, as she watched him slide the condom down, that she had never had the chance to fully take him in before. Her stomach burned at the sight of him, thick and hard for her.

He kissed her tenderly as he positioned himself on top of her again and rubbed himself against her slick opening. Arching herself toward him, she wrapped her legs around his back and tried to draw him in. This was beyond a want, she needed him. She needed to know if it had all been a dream, this memory she had been chasing of how right he felt inside her. 

His face contorted into a look that could only be agony or pleasure, how easily the two spilt into one another, as he pushed into her. They both moaned softly as he moved inside her slowly at first and then harder, faster. Her memory hadn’t done it justice, she thought, as he trailed kisses down her neck stopping to lick and suck at the places that made her whimper. 

“Jesus, Belly,” He groaned into her shoulder as she moved in rhythm with him. She was more confident than the last time he’d with her. Before, he had always had to take the lead. It had always been in the back of her mind back then, that she was so much less experienced than him. It had made her self conscious and unsure, shy almost under his gaze. Now, though, she moved with him and against him. When she was close, she held his shoulders in place and told him not to move as she thrust and grinded her hips into his. 

His eyes were half lidded and drunk with desire as she came undone a second time around him. There was no more holding back. His head pressed into her shoulder and his thrusts grew frantic until he let out one final husky moan into her ear and collapsed onto her chest, kissing her shoulder. 

They were shaky and breathless for a moment, he lifted his head and looked into her eyes warmly and then planted a kiss to her forehead before pulling out of her and rolling to his side. She turned her body into his and laid her head down over his hammering heart. 

“Belly, I–”

“Don’t say anything yet.” He nodded and stroked her hair as she drifted to sleep. He laid awake for hours, unable to tame the electric current that she had just set off throughout his body.

Notes:

Thank you again for reading - comments are always appreciated. What did you think? I'm excited to hear thoughts on this chapter.

Next part will be out soon.

Chapter 7: Chapter 7

Notes:

Hey :) First - apologies to anyone who caught this when I briefly posted this in the wee hours of the morning. I wasn't happy with the last part of the chapter, so took it down to better flesh it out.

Second - Thank you so, so much for all of the kind comments and feedback here and on Reddit. You have no idea how much that means to me and how much it inspires me to keep writing this story.

This was one of the hardest chapters for me to write, because I wanted to convey the true emotions these two fools would be going through in the aftermath of last chapter while still staying authentic to their characters and the feelings they have for each other. I hope you enjoy :)

 

'Dark side, I search for your dark side
But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?
And I cut off my nose just to spite my face
Then I hate my reflection for years and years

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost
The room is on fire, invisible smoke
And all of my heroes die all alone
Help me hold onto you'

- The Archer, Taylor Swift

 

 

 

Conrad had developed insomnia around his sophomore year of college. It was like his brain wouldn’t shut off at night, no matter how fatigued his body was. A lack of sleep in combination with his anxiety and increasing panic attacks, was a dangerous combination. One night, when he had felt the panic start to clench its way around his chest, he had gotten out of bed and put his running shoes on. Running wasn’t a cure, but he had found that it had helped to quell his anxiety which in turn eased the insomnia so he could sleep again. 

From there on, running became a part of his daily routine. He made time for a daily run, even if it was just for twenty minutes on the treadmill. When that dreadful feeling of jittery, unexplainable nervousness started to rise in his throat he would grab his running shoes and try to push it away. It wasn’t lost on him, how ironic it was that running was what helped.

Running had been his default when things got hard. He didn’t want to face his grief, so he shut it out and inevitably shut everyone out with it. When he lost Belly, he couldn’t face her either. That made leaving and going to Stanford easier, with that he got to run under the guise of his education. Eventually, he realized that he had built a wall around himself to keep everything he didn’t want to face away, but inadvertently he was left standing alone with everyone else on the other side. 

As he lay there that night, the night he had finally had her again, he began to feel the panic rise in his throat and press against his chest. The scary thing about happiness is that it might not last. He didn’t think he was strong enough to lose her again. Had that meant the same thing to her as it had to him?

If she wanted to leave here at the end of the summer and just be friends, could he live with that? 

At 5:00 AM he slowly removed his arm from under her and dressed in the dark. He laced his running shoes tight, and set off toward the beach. 

Through college and med school he had tried, he really had tried, to get her out of his system.  It was impossible. He would go a stretch without thinking of her, and then he’d see a flash of dark hair in the grocery store and his heart would tumble over thinking maybe it was her. It never was, of course not. 

He avoided cocoa, old pictures, and being back home as much as possible. Still, his curiosity and interest in her life never subsided. He would find excuses to call Laurel just to fish for information about her. 

One time he had gone so far as to call her in the middle of the day just to ask how the weather was, “The weather?” Laurel had asked, confused, “It’s cloudy today. Is this some kind of code, are you in trouble Connie?”

Yes, he thought, I am in deep trouble. “No. I’m just missing home, I guess. How is everyone?”

“You mean how’s Belly?” She said knowingly and he let out a long sigh, “Just call her, kid. I know she misses you, too.”

But he hadn’t called her. In fact, he had worked hard to actively avoid her. When they would all gather in Cousins for the 4th, he would make excuses to leave early. He would make sure he was never alone with her, but would listen across the room as she spoke to Jere and Steven. She seemed happy, content. A few times throughout the years, he had caught her looking at him across the room as if she was waiting for him to say something to her. 

One fourth of July in particular, it had been two or three summers ago, he was having coffee with Laurel while Belly, Jere, Steven and Taylor played a board game across the room. He was acutely aware of Belly eavesdropping, she was blinking fast the way she did when she tried to be sneaky. Laurel had been asking him about his internship program, when she suddenly switched topics. “But outside of studying, Connie, what do you do? Your mom would want you to have a full life.” Then she leaned in, unaware of their eavesdropper, “Are you doing any better with everything? Are you dating?”

Belly’s head had turned so quickly, they had made eye contact for a half of a second before she got up and left the room. Embarrassed, he assumed, over being caught listening. 

The answer to Laurel’s question was ambiguous. He wasn’t really dating, not in any traditional or wholesome way at least. The relationships that he had were cheap and short lived. He kept everyone that he dated after Belly at an arm's length. While he knew he wasn’t capable of fully giving himself over, he also wasn’t his father. He wasn’t going to lie or pretend to be someone he wasn’t. He went out with women, and he fucked women but he never got to know them and he never let them get to know him either. It was surface level and short lived, he always felt indifferent when it was over. 

Shortly after moving to LA for his first residency, he met Madelyn. She went by Mimi, she told him, and lived in the studio apartment beneath his. He had just gotten back from a run when she first introduced herself at the mailboxes. “Is that a family reunion shirt? I didn’t know people still did that,” She had said, pointing to his Cousins shirt when he looked at her confused. 

He didn’t care to correct her, because he didn’t care if she knew him. He worked long hours and spent most of his time at the hospital. When he was home, she’d often invite herself over. He was pretty sure that she only liked him because he sat in silence, sipping his beer, while she babbled on about herself and her friends and the job that she hated. She liked to just talk, she didn’t care about conversation. The sex was just as mindless and self serving on both ends. 

It was a distraction, a way to pass the time. He viewed his real life as his work and time with his patients. Life outside of work seemed like nothing more than an inconvenience, like an ad that he was waiting to end. 

One night, after a particularly hard shift Conrad returned home wanting nothing more than sleep. Mimi knocked on his door and he wanted to ignore her. “I live below you, I hear when you’re home.” She said in a sing-song voice. Annoyed at her persistence, he looked out the peephole and saw her standing there with a pizza and bottle of rosè. 

As they ate she told him a long story about her obnoxious coworker before veering into the topic of her friend’s birthday the coming week, “She booked a VIP room at this new club in West Hollywood, you should come out with us!”

He looked up at the ceiling, feeling like a giant piece of shit. “Mimi, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

“Me either, jackass. It’s a party. You never do anything but work. I thought maybe you could use some fun.”

He signed and apologized, still declining the invitation. 

The next week when she came, she was flipping through his bookshelf. It made him uncomfortable, he didn’t like people touching his things. “E.E. Cummings?” She asked, “I didn’t take you for a poetry guy.”

“It belonged to my mom.” It was the most he had ever revealed of himself to her. 

She nodded and flipped through the pages until something caught her eye. Shit, he had forgotten he put it there for safe keeping.

“Who is this?” She asked, eyeing the Polaroid of him and Belly at the party they had thrown as a goodbye to the house. He moved to swipe it from her hands, but she playfully pulled it away, “She’s pretty,”

“It’s no one, just give it to me.” He said, an edge to his voice. He didn’t want to talk about Belly with the woman he was fucking. 

“I knew you had a story” She pointed the photo toward him, finally surrendering it over. “What happened to her?”

“Nothing, it’s just an old picture. I didn’t know I even had it still.” He turned it over in his hands, lying.  

“But you loved her? I mean, you had to have. You don’t just tuck a photograph of a woman into one of your mother’s old poetry books if you don’t love them.”

“I don’t think you should come here anymore.” He said curtly without making eye contact. He glanced down at the polaroid, at Belly’s smile shining up at him. 

He kept the picture out after that and two weeks later started applying for residency programs back home. 

 

---

 

When Conrad returned from his run, Belly was in the pool swimming laps. 

“Good morning,” She smiled at him sweetly as he kicked off his running shoes and sat down, dangling his feet over the edge of the pool.

“Good morning yourself,” He kicked a bit of water toward her, flirting, “I’d ask how you slept, by the sound of your snores I would guess pretty damn good.”

“I don’t snore,” She quipped, swimming toward him, “You were gone when I woke up. I was worried that you were having regrets.”

“God, no, Belly. I’m sorry, that’s my bad. I should have sent you a text. I just couldn’t sleep. Must’ve been an adrenaline high,” He winked.

She bobbed in the water, watching him as if she was waiting for him to say more. He swallowed thickly, “We should talk though–” She swam closer to him and wrapped a hand around one of his calves dangling in the water. 

“No,” She shook her head, “Not yet, we make things messy. We always have.”

“There is so much that I want to say to you,” 

“Wait,” there was an edge to her voice that surprised him, “Please, just wait.”

“I…Belly, I don’t know if I can.”

She lifted herself out of the pool and wrapped herself in a striped beach towel. For a moment, he thought she was going to go inside and leave him sitting there waiting for a response. Instead, she lowered him down beside him and reached for his hand. 

“I just want to do this right, Conrad,” She squeezed, “I really can’t lose you again. But we need to be honest with ourselves, we barely spoke for seven years. It’s easy to forget that because we know each other so well…but in a way we’re still new to each other. I just want us both to be sure. So please, just don’t over complicate things right now. Let’s finish the summer, and then we can talk.”

“Ok, if that’s what you want,” He brushed her hair behind her shoulder and gave her a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. She nodded and he leaned forward to kiss her softly. 

Whatever it takes, he thought, to keep her close. 

 

---

 

Belly had been pretending to be asleep that morning when Conrad got out of bed. He had been shifting and kicking around restlessly throughout the night. While Belly had wanted to reach up and cup his face and kiss him, something in her had told her it would be better to let him think she was still asleep. 

When she heard the back door shut, she ran across the room to the window and peaked through the side of the curtains. He was heading down toward the beach in his running clothes, an old Stanford ball cap backwards on his head. 

It was fear that had stopped Belly from letting him say anything that night. She had the feeling that it was fear leading Conrad out the door for a run this early in the morning. She had accepted years ago that he was a part of her, it was in her DNA to love him. What else could explain how whole and completely herself she had felt this summer? How being with Conrad felt like being home, felt as natural as breathing. 

It was so comfortable, but it was also terrifying. Those two conflicting feelings wrestled in her mind all morning, as she brushed her teeth and brewed a pot of coffee. 

She was afraid to bring light to her feelings. And it wasn’t that she was scared he didn’t feel the same way, she was almost certain that he did. If they spoke their feelings into existence, it became real. Real wasn’t easy. They were living in a bubble this summer, it was their own bliss away from reality. 

Stress didn’t exist in this house, not this summer. But if they made it real, then it meant that it existed outside of summer and while she wanted that, needed it all the way to her bones, she knew that bringing it to real life would bring challenges. They would be living four hours apart, for one. Well they had known each other their whole lives, they were only just starting to get to know each other as adults, for two. She had a tendency to bring insecurities and jealous reactions into relationships, a side effect of having been cheated on, for three. It was his brother that had cheated on her, for four. 

She counted the reasons things would get difficult in her head. She could handle difficult things, it wasn’t that, and it would be worth it - of course it would. But it was the fear of how Conrad would react when things became real. The walls he would build, sealing them off so tight that he wouldn’t let even a whisper of her in. If he pushed her away again, would she ever be able to pull herself back up to the surface?

She didn’t want to dive in head first, she wanted to dip her toes in gently. She wanted to do it right this time. She wanted to keep exploring each other the way they already were, and figure out the fine print at summer’s end. 

 

---

 

The Fourth of July had become Belly’s favorite holiday. It wasn’t because it was Susannah’s or because she even particularly liked the day. It was because it was the one time a year that she was guaranteed to see Conrad, if even only for a few hours. 

This year things would finally be different though. She wouldn’t be spending the day waiting for him to look at her, or hoping for a moment alone. This year, the challenge would be for them to be around their families without letting anyone notice that things had shifted between them. 

To be in the same room with him without touching, to not lean forward and kiss him any time she wanted. She had taken to sleeping in his room, and wearing nothing but one of his tee shirts and her underwear around the house. They had decided that it was best to keep things to themselves until they had figured out exactly what was going on. It was too new, and there was so much history to unpack. Adding everyone else’s feelings about them into the equation was territory she was not ready to break just yet.

“That looks amazing,” Conrad came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, she leaned her back into him and he kissed her neck, his stubble scratching her in a way that was going to make it hard to finish frosting the cake. 

“It’ll be weird with everyone here,” She said, arranging strawberries and blueberries across the top of the cake the way Susannah used to every year. 

“We don’t have to hide, if you don’t want to.” He turned her around so he could look her in the eyes, “I’m serious.”

“I know, but then it’s going to become a whole thing with everyone. We agreed to keep this here, between us for now.” She rationalized, “Plus, with the wedding coming up I don’t want to take the attention away from Taylor and Steven.”

“Okay,” He nodded and kissed the side of her face, “we’ll just have to be sneaky the next few days.”

“Well, we have at least a few more hours before everyone gets here…” Her eyes dropped to the front of his pants. 

“We do,” he confirmed and lowered his mouth onto hers in a sweet his. His hands went up her dress, he cupped her ass and lifted her onto the counter, “Any ideas on how we should pass the time?”

“You seem to have a few,” She scooted her bottom closer to the edge of the counter, spreading her legs and wrapping them around his abdomen 

“I do,” He smiled as he lowered his mouth to her collarbone, his hands were still up her dress and she couldn’t help but whimper as his hands found the waistband of her underwear and tugged them down. She pulled one foot out at a time and kicked them across the kitchen floor. He kissed his way back up her neck to her mouth. His kisses were magic, they made her head spin every time. It was like being sixteen again, only better. 

His fingers found her center as he sucked her bottom lip into his mouth. Now that they had stopped resisting the magnetic field drawing them together, they hadn’t been able to get enough of each other. Belly felt insatiable, no amount of Conrad was enough to fulfill her. She didn’t think she could ever grow tired of this. 

Just as she felt herself getting close to release, he pulled away and placed his hands firmly on her thighs. “Why’d you–” She started to ask, when he dropped to his knees before her and replaced his fingers with his mouth, “Oh, god,”

Her hands were in his hair, she almost had to look away. The sight of his mouth on her like that was almost enough to put her over the edge. It was the sexiest thing she had ever seen, an image she didn't think she could ever forget. He had never done this to her before. She dropped back onto the counter almost hitting her head into the cake she had been frosting. 

“Fuck,” She cursed, writhing as his tongue circled around her most sensitive part. 

There was a key in the door, the turning of the doorknob. 

Their heads snapped up in unison. She looked at him breathless, questioning. The creak of the front door, then “Belly? Conrad?” 

Laurel. 

Belly pulled her dress back down and jumped off the counter. By the time Laurel made her way to the kitchen they were both leaning against the island, trying to look inconspicuous. 

“There you guys are, I was calling for you.”

“Laurel,” Conrad said, his voice sounding too chipper and his hair messy from Belly’s hands, “Sorry the, um, the fan was really loud. We didn’t hear you come in. You’re early.”

“The fan?” She looked around in question.

“Mom,” Belly stepped forward and wrapped Laurel in a big hug, “I’m so glad you decided to come. I want to hear all about the book tour.” Laurel looked over Belly’s shoulder at Conrad in question and he just shrugged. 

“Hey kids,” A voice said from the kitchen doorway, “Conrad you wanna come help me with these bags? I think Laurel bought enough groceries to feed an army.”

“Dad?” Belly asked in surprise. Neither he or Adam had come out for the Fourth since Susannah was alive. It had been just Laurel and the kids.

 “I hope it’s okay I came this year,” He said, sheepishly setting three paper bags of groceries on the kitchen island. Belly’s heart skipped as thought of what had just happened there. It was then that she remembered her underwear, she scanned the floor frantically for them but they were nowhere in sight. 

“Of course, I’m glad you made it out,” Conrad said, clapping her dad on the back, “I’ll help you with the rest of the bags.”

“Did we interrupt something?” Laurel said, scanning Belly’s face once Conrad and John were out of the room. 

“No,” Belly said, crossing her arms, “I was just making Susannah’s cake.”

“You two are still getting along?” Laurel asked, skeptically. 

Belly almost laughed, “Yes, mom.”

“Ok, sorry,” Laurel shook her head and started to unpack the groceries, “Conrad just seemed tense and he wouldn’t look at you. I know you guys have a lot of…history to sort out. I just want to make sure you’re not giving him a hard time.”

“Everything is sorted, mom.” Belly hated the way her mom could push her buttons and make her feel like a snotty teenager again. She didn’t mean to be snappy, it was just so easy to be that way with her. “We’re friends, okay?”

“I’m just making sure, okay?” Laurel said, and then dropped her voice to nearly a whisper, “Connie had a really hard time, Belly, when things ended between you two and then again when everything happened with you and Jeremiah. Don’t forget that he has feelings, too.”

“God, mom,” Belly drew away, “You always look out for everyone but me. Do you think that was easy for me? Don’t you know how hard it was to walk away from him back then? I had to, you know that. You’re the one who told me to live a big life, to have a lot of lovers before settling down. You never wanted things to work with me and Jeremiah. You would’ve been just as mad if I had thrown myself into a relationship with Conrad right away.”

“You’re taking what I’m saying out of context, Belly.” Laurel said, starting to get irritated. 

Conrad and John walked back through the door then, both loaded up with grocery bags. Belly watched, holding back a smile as Conrad helped Laurel put away the groceries and talked easily with John. 

Once they were all caught up on each other’s summers and everything was put away, Conrad announced he was going to go down to the beach and start digging for the clambake, “I’ll be back up soon,” He said, secretly trailing a hand along Belly’s lower back as he passed her. 

---

 

The house was full again, and as happy as Belly would be to have it to herself with Conrad again in a few days she had to admit to herself that it was nice to have everyone back together again. Taylor and Steven had arrived about an hour after Laurel, followed by Jeremiah and Samantha.

“This party you guys are throwing is going to be lit, right?” Jere asked, the six of them were sitting out by the pool sipping on margaritas and beers as their dinner digested and the topic had switched to the wedding and upcoming bachelor/bachelorette party.

“Belly has come up with a pretty cool concept, but you guys will just have to wait and see.” Conrad answered. They had finally sat down and started to plan the party a few days prior, laughing about the fact that they had avoided it for weeks when that had been Conrad’s reasoning for her to come for the summer in the first place. 

“Ok, why am I getting the idea that you guys haven’t actually planned anything yet?” Steven accused, half joking. 

“Calm down, we have it planned. It’s going to be ‘lit’, all you fools have to do is show up. The maid of honor and best man have it covered, ok?” Belly quipped, taking a long sip of her margarita. 

“So are you guys going to follow tradition?” Samantha asked, pointing at Conrad and Belly. They all looked at him confused, “You know, isn’t it like tradition for the maid of honor and best man to sleep together at the wedding.”

Conrad started to choke on his beer, “Jesus,” Steven said, patting him on the back with a laugh, “I think she’s joking, man.”

“But come one, Conrad, the idea of sleeping with my beautiful maid of honor can’t be that bad, can it?” Taylor teased, raising her eyebrows at the two of them. Belly was sure she suspected something. When Taylor had called her after her birthday to ask if she had made a move, Belly had lied. She hated lying, especially to Taylor but she meant what she said to Conrad. She wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, not with anyone. Some things you don’t need to say with words when it comes to your best friend. 

“If anyone would know, it would be Conrad.” Jere teased and they all laughed, except Steven and Conrad. 

Steven covered his ears, “Ok, I don’t want to know about that.”

“What you don’t want to hear about Belly and Conrad’s romantic teenage escapades?” Taylor teased him, wiggling her finger in his face. 

“That’s enough, guys.” Conrad shook his head, looking more serious than the rest of them.

“Alright Connie, why don’t we go set up those fireworks.” Steven said, standing up and motioning for Conrad to join him. 

“I think if anyones fucking, it’s the two of them.” Taylor joked as they walked away, “Always sneaking off together, those longing looks…”

“Don’t be jealous, Taylor,” Conrad joked as he threw an arm around Steven’s shoulders as they walked away. 

“I’m going to go make sure those drunk two idiots don’t blow their hands off,” Jeremiah said, reaching a hand toward Sam, “Coming?”

Once they were alone, Taylor turned to Belly and gave her a look, “Ok, there is definitely something you aren’t telling me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Belly said innocently. 

“Yeah, you do,” Taylor squinted her eyes, “Conrad is looking at you like you’re a whole meal, but not in the usual way…like, in a he can’t wait for seconds kind of way. You’re totally boning.”

“That’s just the way Conrad looks,” Belly shrugged, unable to meet her friend’s eyes, “I told you, I’ve decided it would make things too weird.”

“You are the worst liar,” Taylor laughed, “You’re blushing. Tell me all about it, I want all of the nasty little details you little freak.”

“Don’t tell anyone,” Belly said sternly, “Not even Steven!”

“Oh please, you saw his reaction just now. He wouldn’t want to hear about you and his best friend hooking up even if I wanted to tell him. Which I don’t. I respect you, babe. A good secret keeps a relationship fresh, anyways.”

“He makes me feel like I’m sixteen again,” Belly gushed, “But it's better than that, it's more than that. It’s like everything all at once. It’s grown up and it’s…it feels so real.”

“So are you guys like…a thing now?” 

“It feels like it, we’re acting like a couple. He’s so sweet to me, and the sex…” She trailed off, biting her lip, “He tried to talk about it, but I stopped him.”

“Like tell you how he feels?” Taylor asked and she nodded in response, “Why would you do that? You’ve been waiting for that to happen for like…I don’t know, your whole life.”

“I have never been this scared. It’s so perfect, I don’t want to mess it up.” Belly sighed, “We agreed to just…get through the summer before we… I don’t know.”

“Babe,” Taylor blinked at her, “You’re out of your mind.”

“Probably,” Belly put her head in her hands and groaned. 

“Hey,” Belly’s head popped up at the sound of Conrad’s voice, he was standing by the side of the house looking towards them confused, “Are you guys coming down?” 

“I’ll meet you guys there in a minute,” Taylor said, standing and walking into the house. She glanced back at Belly over her shoulder and gave her a look. 

“What was that all about?” Conrad said as they walked down to the beach, she looked up at him in question, “You seemed stressed just now, talking to Taylor.”

“Oh,” She smiled, “Nothing she just…she knows about us.”

“Oh?” A playful look in his eyes, “She figured it out?”

“She did,” Belly nodded.

Conrad stopped walking, “Belly, I know you don’t want to talk about everything but,” He reached for one of her hands, “I just need to know that you see this continuing after this summer and turning into something more. Because, I do. I’ll wait for you to be ready, but I just need to know where your head is.”

“Of course I want that,” She let out a long breath, “That’s all I want, Conrad. I just want us to take our time with the heavy stuff, that’s all.”

“Okay,” He smiled and pulled her into him, “Just as long as there is an us.”

“There’s an us.” She leaned up and kissed him sweetly on the side of his mouth.

“Ok, good. That’s all I need,” He squeezed her tightly into him, “By the way, I have something of yours.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out her purple thong, the one she had kicked across the kitchen that morning. She laughed, “Oh god, I guess you earned a souvenir.”

“I guess so,” He smiled and grabbed her hand as they continued their way down the path, “You still want to keep it quiet with these guys?”

“For now,” She nodded and he dropped her hand as they approached the beach where Steven and Jere were building a small bonfire. 

“We were just talking about you two,” Steven said, giving them each a pointed look. 

“Yeah, remember that year we dared Belly to climb out onto the roof for a better view of the fireworks and she started freaking out,” Jere laughed, “Conrad had to climb out and practically carry her back through the window. You froze, Bells.”

“I was like 10,” She defended at the same time that Conrad said, “She could’ve gotten seriously hurt.”

“Gross,” Taylor yelled as she came down the path to join them, “I think I just walked in on you parents about to bone,”

“No way,” Jere and Conrad laughed while Steven and Belly looked at each other in disgust. 

“I was picking up a bit of a vibe between them, I’m not going to lie.” Conrad said, “It was a little strange that he came, right?”

“I don’t even want to think about it.” Belly said and Steven scrubbed at his eyes.

They stayed there all night, watching the fireworks and drinking, reminiscing about the years past and planning for years to come. “We’re definitely keeping this Fourth of July tradition going for the future generations.” Steven declared and Belly could picture it. She looked up at Conrad, who was watching her. He smiled when their eyes met, and she knew he was picturing the same thing, too. 

After watching the sunrise, the six of them collected their empty beer bottles and started back up toward the house. “This has been the best Fourth of July we’ve had in a while.” Conrad said to no one in particular. She knew exactly what he meant, it was the first time they had all really been together in years. 

She paused, looking back towards the ocean and then up towards the house. She hoped with all of her might that nothing would ever change. Please, she thought, don’t let me mess this up.

Notes:

Thank you again for reading and commenting. Things will jump ahead a bit to the big party in the next chapter - I have a clear ending and have already written out the epilogue, there are just a few minor plot points I am still deciding on in order to get us where we need to be.

Fair warning - it may not always be a bumpy path ahead, but there will most definitely be a happily ever after.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter and any feedback as to what you would like to see the next chapters bring to life.

Chapter 8: Chapter 8

Notes:

Hello! :)

Thank you all once again for all the kind comments! I apologize for the delay in getting this chapter out. I had a busy work week, and every time I sat down to write something seemed to come up and need my attention.

Last update I said this chapter would jump forward to the party - and it turns out I accidentally lied. Although, the party chapter is partially complete, it felt like we were missing some time and there were some conversations needed to be had between our two favorite mis-communicators.

I also wanted to clarify something - I think I was confusing with my note last chapter when I mentioned I have already written the epilogue. This story is no where near finished - I am projecting about 15 chapters, however depending on feedback and what you, dear readers, would like to see it could be more. I just write sporadically and out of order.

Anyways - I will leave you to it! *spice toward the end of chapter, simply scroll through that section if its not your cup of tea.

Part 8

'I loved you in spite of
Deep fears that the world would divide us
So, baby, can we dance
Oh, through an avalanche?
And say, say that we got it
I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted
Oh, 'cause it's gravity
keeping you with me'

- Dancing With Our Hands Tied, Taylor Swift

 

 

“Okay, come on. It’s your turn,” Belly laughed, tilting her phone screen in Conrad’s direction, “Pick a song.”

They were road-tripping back to Philadelphia together for the weekend. Belly had Taylor’s shower to attend the next day and Conrad had a suit fitting. Although, Belly was fairly sure he could’ve called in his measurements and had just used it as an excuse to come along. She really didn’t mind though, not one bit. 

They’d be spending the weekend in Philly and then head back to Cousins and have a little over a week to prep for the party. They had told themselves they’d start prepping immediately following the Fourth of July, but they kept pushing it off. The party wasn’t until the beginning of August anyways. It would be one of the last events of their summer, happening just two weeks before the wedding 

Belly had realized, when looking at the calendar the week prior, that when she would leave Cousins for the wedding she wouldn’t be coming back. She needed to be back at the school the Monday following the wedding. 

Taylor and Steven’s wedding, the catalyst for this amazing reunion, would also mark the end of Belly and Conrad’s summer in Cousins together. 

“I can’t think of a good one - you pick again.” He took his right hand off the steering wheel and reached for her free hand, “you’re the better road-trip DJ.”

“Ok,” Her stomach twisted in butterflies as he drew her hand to his lips and softly kissed her knuckles, “but you’ve been warned.” She chose another upbeat pop song. Not Conrad's usual taste in music, but he nodded his head along and tossed her amused glances as she sang along. 

They felt like a couple. That’s the truth that beat in Belly’s heart as he had loaded her weekend bag into the trunk, pumped gas, and held her hand as he drove. They had agreed on the Fourth that they both wanted this to last past summer’s end. What that would look like was something Belly couldn’t be sure of just yet, and it was a conversation she was putting off.

She was afraid of Conrad running from her if things got hard or messy, she was afraid of him shutting her out. What if he told her that he loved her and then took it back the second things got hard again? 

She was afraid of herself, too. Afraid of the ways she could let him down. She had a tendency to avoid pain, find escapes. When Susannah died and Conrad broke her heart, she escaped to Jeremiah. When it didn’t work with Jeremiah, she escaped to Spain to study abroad. She was a runner, too, she realized. 

“Laurel’s first?” Conrad asked, his blinker already on as he made his way to the exit. She was always terrible with directions, it amazed her that he knew the way from Cousins to Laurel’s house by heart. 

Belly nodded, “I told her we’d stop for lunch. Then I’m going to head to Taylor’s mom’s house to set-up for the shower.”

Laurel was waiting for them when they arrived, two bags of take-out set on the middle of the dining table. “A home cooked meal,” she joked as she laid out dishes for them. 

“Thank you, Laur,” Conrad gave her a big hug. Belly didn’t remember the last time she had even hugged her mom like that. It made her happy to know of the bond they had, that Laurel had been there for him when she couldn’t. His second mom, his comfort person the way Susannah had been hers. 

“Have you found a place in Boston yet?” Laurel asked Conrad as they ate. She was unaware that the end of summer was a topic the two were heavily avoiding. His new life in Boston, and her old life in Philly were best not discussed as they indicated a life outside of Cousins, a life where they lived apart. 

“No, not yet,” Conrad admitted with a sigh, “I asked my new admin for any recommendations for rentals near the hospital.”

“Well, you better hurry so you don’t get stuck without options” Laurel pushed and Belly rolled her eyes.

“I think I want to find a short-term lease, I don’t know if I’ll want to stay in Boston long.” 

Belly’s eyes widened, “What?”

“I moved back to be closer to everyone, but you guys are all here…Jere’s in New York, my dad is the only one in Boston and…he’s always busy, you know.” Conrad set down his fork, refusing to meet either of their eyes. 

Belly looked at him in shock, he had never said any of this to her before. 

“Conrad,” Laurel started to say and then stopped, as if she was choosing her words carefully. Belly recognized the look on her face - disapproval. She was familiar with that look. 

“It’s just something I’m thinking about,” Conrad said, finally meeting Laurel’s eyes, “I’m really not sure.”

“This is your dream position, Conrad.” Belly said, turning her chair to face him, “You can’t quit.”

“Well, I wouldn’t quit. I’d just…transfer. They have a sister hospital here. I talked to an old colleague and they have openings for residents in peds.”

“But, you don’t want to work in pediatrics.” Belly countered, there was an edge to her voice that made Laurel get up and start clearing the table - realizing that a conversation meant for just the two of them was beginning to unfold, “Why would you give up a position in oncology? That’s what you’ve studied for, it’s what you’ve been working toward…”

“Just forget I said anything, okay?” Conrad said, pushing back from the table to help Laurel clean up. His jaw was clenched and he wouldn’t wouldn’t meet her gaze. She searched his face in confusion. 

“Is Taylor excited for the shower?” Laurel asked, clearly trying to change the subject. Conrad finally looked over at Belly and she could see the frustration and hurt in his eyes. 

“Yeah…” Belly swallowed hard, “I should actually head over there. I need to go get everything set up.”

“I’ll drive you,” Conrad stood and Belly waved him off, “It’s just a few blocks, I can walk over.”

“You have all the decorations and stuff in the back of my car, just let me drive you.”

She nodded in agreement and followed him out to the car. He was silent as they drove around the corner. Taylor’s car was already in the driveway. 

“What’s with you?” Belly asked, motioning toward him and his hands - white-knuckled over the steering wheel, “Are you seriously mad that I disagree with you giving up on your dream job?”

“No,” His tone indicated otherwise, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I expected.”

“Well you’re not doing that. You’re not giving that position up.” Her tone was firm, unwavering. He hadn't expected for her to be upset at the idea of him moving closer to her. 

They were parked outside of the Jewel’s house now, but neither of them made a move. They sat in a charged silence for a full minute before Conrad let out a long breath.

“It’s not really up to you.” He shrugged and stepped out of the car. She turned around in her seat as he opened the backdoor and started grabbing her bags of decorations and party favors. He didn't even wait for her to respond, he just started toward the house. With a huff of frustration, she got out and followed him up the sidewalk. 

“Why are you doing this?” She asked, “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Ok, Belly,” He said flatly, dropping the box at the doorstep, “I won’t move here. Happy?”

“Well,” She sighed and crossed her arms tight across her chest, “I feel like you’re not understanding me.”

“It was a stupid idea, anyways. Just forget I said anything.” He took a step back, toward his car, “I’m going back to Laurel's. Text me when you’re done and I’ll come pick you up.”

She let out a small groan and watched as he drove away. Why was everything between them always so convoluted?

 

---

When Conrad returned to Laurel’s she was waiting for him on the front steps with a cold beer. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” 

He accepted the beer and took a long swig before sitting down beside her,  “I would if I even knew.”

Laurel narrowed her eyes and gave him a hard look. She could always see right through him, the way only a mother could.  “She’ll never tell me, you know.” Laurel said, “But I can tell there’s something happening between you two.”

“Yeah, well,” Conrad ran a hand down the side of his face, “She doesn’t want anyone to know so don’t tell her that.”

He couldn’t hide the bitterness in his voice, and he knew he didn’t have to with Laurel. She understood him. He was so confused and frustrated with Belly and he hated it. He didn’t know what she wanted from him. She said she wanted things to continue past the summer, but then shut down the idea of him moving closer. 

He wasn’t trying to suggest he move in with her, or they rush into anything. But he did think being able to see each other regularly was a reasonable first step. Clearly she wasn’t ready for that, maybe she didn’t even see things continuing further. How could he know? She shut him down every time he tried to talk about anything serious. 

“She’s right though, Connie.” Laurel said with a sympathetic pat on the back, “You’ve worked too hard for this opportunity to give it up.”

He sipped his beer and Laurel waited for him to respond, “I just feel like I keep losing her.”

“You know,” Laurel smiled softly, “I remember when you guys were little. You were always looking after her. You were always so kind and gentle, you’d make sure she was included with you boys. Your mom would always say, ‘look at Connie and Belly, our two peas in a pod.’ She was so happy when the two of you started dating.”

“And you?” 

“Of course I was happy. I just didn’t want to push you two into something before you were ready. And you weren’t,” She said pointedly, he nodded solemnly and chugged the last of his beer, “But maybe you are now.”

“Maybe.”

“Give her some time, kid.” Laurel said, “You’ve always been the sun to her, just let her warm in your glow for a while.”

 

---

 

Conrad had said goodbye to Laurel for the night when Belly texted that she was done at Taylor’s and drove over to pick her up. They would be spending the night together at Belly’s apartment - something no one, not even Laurel, had questioned. It felt strange, he was nervous to be around her after their half-argument earlier and anxious to be in her space for the first time. It was his first glimpse of her real life.

“How did that go?” He asked when she stepped into the passenger seat. 

“Fine, I guess.” She sighed and pulled her seatbelt across from her, “You’ll just want to get back on the freeway, I’ll pull up the directions for you.”

They didn’t talk the whole ride over to her apartment, aside from her directing him when and where to turn. He understood that it had been rash to suggest that he transfer hospitals and move here, but he was also growing frustrated with her refusal to face the facts. Summer was ending in a little over a month, and pretending like it wasn’t going to end wasn’t going to make it last any longer. 

He wasn’t sure what he expected her response to him considering transferring to Philadelphia would be. He hadn't planned on revealing the idea like that in front of Laurel, or really at all until he knew it was a certain possibility. It just came out. When the idea first occurred to him, he had thought Belly would be excited. She seemed just as sad about summer ending as he was. He couldn't handle just waiting for the shoe to drop, he was a solutions guy. A fixer, always fixing. He couldn't just sit back and wait for summer to end without having a plan in place for how they would make things work. 

“You can park here,” She said motioning to a free spot on the street, “Street parking only.”

He followed behind her, both of their bags slung over his shoulder as she led him up the steps into her building and then up three more flights of stairs to her small, one bedroom apartment. He couldn’t help but smile as he took in her space, it was distinctly Belly. She had a small gallery of old photographs on one of the living room walls; he was surprised to find several of the four kids together at Cousins. 

“This one is my favorite,” She said, coming up behind him and pointing to a photograph he had never seen before of Laurel and Susannah laughing. They must’ve been in their twenties, pre-husbands and babies. 

“Two peas in a pod,” He said, echoing what Laurel had told him earlier in the day.

“You know it’s not that I don’t want you here, right?” Belly said, finally breaking their dance around the topic causing tension.

He let out a long breath and sat down heavily on one end of the couch, “To be honest, I’m not sure what you want.”

“What I want is for you to stay at the hospital in Boston. That’s where you need to be. Don’t let this change what you’ve worked so hard to accomplish.”

“I know, I just thought…things would be easier.”

Belly walked over to the couch and sat down hard, motioning for him to join her, “I don’t need easy. If you give up that position, eventually you’ll regret it.”

“Regret.” He snorted, joining her on the opposite side of the couch, “You have no idea the things I regret.”

She scooted across the couch to be closer to him, and planted a soft kiss on his jawline, “They probably line up pretty closely with my own. They don’t have to repeat themselves.”

“Belly, I have lamented over every mistake I ever made with you a thousand times over.” He shook his head, “Do you have any idea what it did to me to have to walk away from you back then?”

“Conrad—“

“I was really fucked up for a long time, okay?” He tilted his head up toward the ceiling and pressed his lips together. He didn’t want to open pandora’s box and spill their past out between them. He was getting that familiar feeling in chest, panic. How he knew it so well, it was like an old friend the way it crept up behind him. If he kept pressing and she kept pulling, he was going to crack. 

“Okay,” She said softly, her eyes searching his face. 

“I...Belly, I don’t want to go back to that place. I like the way I feel when I’m with you, I like the person that I’m becoming. Being around you this summer, being in your life…I can’t go back now. I have waited all these years to have you in my life again, I never thought…I didn’t think it was possible, but here we are.”

“Here we are,” She smiled at him, weakly and burrowed herself into his body. Into his warmth. “We aren’t going backwards. We’re going forward.”

“Okay,” He nodded, wrapped his arms around her and kissed the crown of her head. Her scent was intoxicating to him, sweet and floral. Being near her like this made his heart stir, she had no idea the effect that she had on him. Or that he would give up everything if it meant having her. 

Laurel was right though, and so was Belly. It wouldn’t be right to give up when he had worked so hard to get to this point in his career. Belly would never allow him to do that, she knew him too well. She had helped propel him to where he is now, years ago when he first applied to Stanford. It was ridiculous, he realized, to have thought anything would be different now. 

“Thank you, Belly,” She looked up at him with question in her eyes, “For being you.”

He leaned down until their lips met and kissed her tenderly, moving his lips over hers in the way he knew that she liked. Kissing her was like breathing, it felt essential to his health at this point. He pulled away and looked in her eyes, at the way they burned like stars for him when they kissed. She didn’t need to use her words to tell him how she felt if she wasn’t ready, he already knew. He could feel it. 

“Were you ever going to show me your bedroom?” He nuzzled his scruff against her collarbone and then pulled her into his lap, “Or are you going to make me guess?”

In one swift motion he stood from the couch with her in his arms and carried her across the living room toward the bedroom door – it was hard to miss in her 600 square feet apartment. She laughed and pressed her face into his shoulder. The effect she had on him was immeasurable, it would be impossible to quantify. 

He set her down softly on the bed and she crawled in, patting the spot next to her. “Conrad,” Her voice was dripping with want, “Don’t ever stop kissing me. Ever.”

He rolled on his side so that he was hovering above her and kissed again, this time rougher in the way that he knew would make her hips buck toward him. Her hands trailed over his shoulders and then down his chest until she found the button on his pants. It was impressive, how fast her hands worked his pants and boxers down. 

He reached for her shirt, pulled it over her head and then unclasped her bra. Slowly, they undressed each other. It had never been entirely comfortable for Conrad to be so bare in front of another person. Even when they were together before, they had been younger - both of them more reserved. Now though, it was so natural. There was no shame, no inhibitions. He had learned her body like a map this summer. He knew every freckle, every scar. He leaned back into her - pressing the heat of their bare chests together - and kissed her again. 

She pulled away suddenly and pushed him onto his back. “Let me,” She commanded as she slinked down his body. He pulsed in her hands as she slowly lowered her mouth to him. 

“Oh, fuck,” He groaned, “Belly.”

He would never recover from her, of that he was certain. Sex had always just been sex to him, until he was with Belly. This was something entirely different, it was like they were communicating. The unsaid feelings, the uncertainties, the fear… it all disappeared when they were like this. 

“I don’t want to–” He trailed off with a deep moan, before pulling her back up his body, “I want you like this.”

She straddled his waist and leaned down to kiss him, her tongue pushing up against his own. “Like this?” She asked, hovering above him and he nodded. His hips flexed up toward her entrance, daring her to move down onto him. 

“Do you have a–” She asked, eyes wild around the room trying to remember if she had any condoms here. 

“Shit.” The thought had occurred to him when he packed his bag that morning, but somehow had slipped his mind. 

“I have an iud, if you’re…I mean…” She was still hovering above him, slick with lust for him, “I’ve never…I’m good, I mean, if you…”

“Yeah, I’m good,” He nodded, rubbing his hands up her arms, “But only if you’re sure. We can stop…”

“I trust you,” She lowered herself onto him. It was the first time either of them had ever done this, been completely bare with another person. There was nothing in between them, just their bodies connected. She grinded her hips into his, the view of her moving above him and the feeling of being inside her - feeling her softness all around him was almost overwhelming.

“You have no idea how gorgeous you are,” He mumbled to her, sitting up slightly to take her breast into his mouth. She moaned softly above him and moved her hips into his faster, grinding against him and moving herself over him at the same time. 

When she came undone around him, he flipped her to her back and moved slowly inside her. She was so wet around him, his eyes rolled back as he pulled out all the way and then thrust himself fully back inside her. 

“Do you want me to pull out?” He asked, “I’m so close… you’re so…fuck.”

“No,” She grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him back to her, “I want to feel you inside me.”

There it was again, her not knowing the effect she could have on him. He couldn’t hold back any longer, with one last jerking thrust he finished inside her. 

The realization of what they had done washed down his body a second later and he gulped as he slid out of her and onto his back.

“Belly…I got carried away, we shouldn’t have…”

She rolled to her side and pressed her body into him again, resting her head on his chest. “I’ve never done that before,”

“Me either.”

He knew they were safe. An iud was more effective than a condom - that had been used between them as a safety measure. He had never trusted himself to anyone the way he had Belly, but he knew they were both safe. It was a mark of their commitment and trust, to give themselves to each other in a way neither had ever done before. 

 

---

 

“This is a nice place, man,” Conrad said, looking around Steven’s backyard appreciatively. They had just come back from their suit fittings and were having beers on lawn chairs in Steven and Taylor’s backyard while they waited for the girls to be done with the bridal shower.

“Thanks, I’m thinking of extending the patio out that way. Taylors been bugging me to put a hot tub in now that we have a yard.” 

Conrad smiled and shook his head at his friend. He had always seen Steven like a sort of younger brother, now to see him become a grown man with a house and almost-wife was surreal in a lot of ways. 

“So you stayed at Belly’s last night?” Steven asked, raising his eyebrows, “That's a pretty cramped apartment for two platonic people. I have a guest room, you know.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Conrad said with a laugh, reaching into the cooler between them for another beer.

“Really though,” Steven’s face went serious, “Are you going to update me or leave me hanging? I’m like the biggest wingman ever for making you my best man.”

“Oh yeah right, it was going to me no matter what,” Conrad laughed, “I’m still hanging onto your secret from Labor Day 2008, buddy. Our friendship is forged in fire.”

“Fair enough,” Steven threw his hands up with a chuckle, “But really, what’s the deal?”

“You know,” Conrad felt bashful, unsure of how much Belly would want him to reveal, “We’re just figuring it out.”

“She’s my sister, if it was anyone but you I’d be giving you the ‘if you hurt her, I’ll fucking kill you’ speach. But this has been a long time coming, so just don’t fuck it up. For either of your sakes.”

Conrad crossed his heart and nodded to his friend, “But for real man, congrats on everything. You and Taylor really have it figured out, this is what it’s all about.” He gestured to their home. 

“You two look like a couple of middle aged dads back here with your beers,” Taylor’s voice boomed from the backdoor as her and Belly made their way outside.

“Give us a few years,” Steven said, getting up and greeting Taylor with a kiss, “How was the shower, did we score big?”

“You guys are pretty much set on towels for the rest of your life,” Belly joked, “And cheap lingerie.”

“Okay, well I think you need to show me these towels,” Steven winked and Taylor pulled him toward the house.

“Was it a success?” Conrad asked, reaching toward Belly’s hand as she stood in front of his lawn chair.

“Yeah, it was nice,” Belly smiled and sat in Steven’s chair, “As shower host I didn’t think it would be fair for me to participate in the games, but for the record if I had I would be at least four Bath and Body Works candles richer.”

“Nice of you to give the other’s a shot.” He laughed, “I should tell you that Steven and Laurel know about us.”

“I think you staying at my apartment was kind of a dead giveaway,” Belly teased and flashed her smile in his direction. If living those years without her had given him anything, it was perspective. He would never take her smiles for granted. 

“I’m going to go to Boston this week, find a place.” He chewed at his bottom lip, “And we’ll figure the rest out from there. I’m sorry I was being rash yesterday. You’re right, it’ll work out.”

“It will,” She confirmed, “We’ll take turns road tripping to each other. And there’s facetime, and texting…You have my address now if you prefer to write.”

“I would drive across the country in a heartbeat just to see your smile.” They both blushed at his cheesiness, she leaned forward and kissed him, 

Conrad was beginning to see the vision of their future together. It didn't have to be perfect or figured out just yet. It was theirs, no matter what happened. No matter how long it took for them to be under one roof. If he was sure of anything, it was Belly. 

Notes:

Thank you for continuing to read and be invested in this story! I know this chapter was shorter than usual and a little tense at times, but these two have some things to flesh out (literally and figuratively) to get them to their HEA.

Also a disclaimer - the choice they make to forgo protection in this chapter is simply being used a device to demonstrate their level of comfort, trust and commitment to each other. And since I'm sure there will be speculation, we're trusting that 99.99% effectiveness of the iud - we are not ready for these two to procreate just yet. Leave that for the epilogue ;)

Anyways... I appreciate feedback always, your kind comments and suggestions make my day!

Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Notes:

Thank you for continuing to read along and reach out with such kind comments and words of encouragement. I'll have a longer note at the bottom.

I warned you there would be highs and lows, but don't forget we are working toward a happily ever after. Always.

Part 9

'Are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these?
Let all your damage damage me
And carry your baggage up my street
And make me your future history
It's time, you've come a long way
Open the blinds, let me see your face
You wouldn't be the first renegade
To need somebody

Is it insensitive for me to say
Get your shit together?
So I can love you
Is it really your anxiety
That stops you from giving me everything?
Or do you just not want to?'

-Renegade, Big Red Machine ft. Taylor Swift

 

How many times throughout her life had Belly dreamt of waking up next to Conrad? When did it start? She couldn’t be sure. She had wanted to be close to him well before the longing was anything more than the desire for innocent friendship. He was always the favorite amongst the younger three, and she relished any time she could get with him without Steven or Jeremiah interrupting. She wanted to be his favorite. It was hard to be the only girl, she always felt like she was having to fight her way into a secret club that the boys didn’t want her to be a part of. It wasn’t that way with Conrad, though. 

It started with the four of them begging the moms to allow them to have camp outs in the family room. Sleepovers were allowed only a few times throughout the summer, as the moms did not want the kids to stay up too late or to have to deal with any potential bedtime arguments that would likely - and oftentimes did - ensue. 

On the rare occasion that a camp out was allowed, they’d all bring their sleeping bags down to the family room and line up in a row in front of the tv. Steven and Jeremiah always acted like they were going to be the last ones awake, but were always the first to fall asleep. Conrad could stay up longer than any of them, and Belly would force herself to stay awake just to have those last few minutes of the night with him. They whispered across the room, each bundled in their own sleeping bag. They’d share secrets and stories. He’d tell her facts about the solar system or what phase the moon was in. Words that existed just for her. She had lived for those moments back then. 

Had that dream ever ended? Had the longing for moments shared just between her and Conrad ever subsided? She was sure of the answer to that. No. Not even once. 

Even when years had passed without her hearing him speak her name. Even when she wasn’t sure if he was the same boy who once gave her infinity, or if he had outgrown her. Even when she wasn’t sure that he would ever forgive her for not taking his hand and running the day he had professed his love for her on the beach. The way she had wanted to in the back of her head. 

Even before all of that, even when she was falling asleep in a dorm room, with her boyfriend, his brother, across campus in his frat house. 

If all of those years of longing had given her anything, it was the certainty that she would never take a morning or a night with Conrad for granted. This summer they had started talking as they laid in bed at night, prolonging the moment before one of them would drift to sleep. As it turned out, he did still have interesting facts to tell her. She had stories to tell, some he already knew and some he had never heard. Their favorite game was, “Remember when…” She loved falling asleep next to him after having a laughing fit at some childhood memory. 

In the morning, he would kiss her forehead before getting out of bed. The kiss would stir her from whatever dream she was having. It’s still early, go back to sleep, he’d whisper - knowing how she cherished her slow summer mornings. She’d roll over to his pillow after he left and soak up his warmth, inhaling the scent he left behind. Clean and earthy at the same time. Sandalwood mixed with the beach. Salty ocean breeze. Distinctly Conrad. 

“Belly,” Conrad said as he kissed her forehead on this particular morning, “It’s still early, keep sleeping but I’m heading for Boston soon. I’ll be back tonight.”

“Mmm,” She opened her eyes and sat up to wrap her arms around him, “Is it crazy that I’ll miss you?”

“No,” He kissed her cheek, “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

“I should catch up on emails,” The plan had been for Belly to get some work done while Conrad in Boston finding an apartment. Her students schedules had come out at the end of the week prior, and her inbox had flooded with last minute schedule change requests. She wanted to have everything handled before the party the coming weekend.

“Okay. I’ll send you pictures, I’m really terrible and picking out apartments. My last apartment was awful.”

“I’ll be on standby,”

He leaned down and gave a sweet kiss on the lips, when he pulled away she grabbed his arm and pulled him back for one more. No, three more. It was never enough. 

“Don’t take too long.” She said with mock sternness before falling back onto his pillow. 

 

---

“Conrad,” Adam smiled and pulled his son in for a side hug, “You’re looking good, son.”

“Thanks,” Conrad said tightly, taking a seat across the table from his father. Conrad was sure that things would always be at least a little tense with his father. He couldn’t turn back the hands of time and unknow the things that he knew. He couldn’t be the golden boy anymore. He understood that his father was human, flesh and bone, and just as susceptible to mistakes as anyone. Still, he could never get the sound of his mother crying out of his head. The way he had watched her crumple to the floor after discovering his father’s affair. 

“You remember Lydia?” Adam motioned to the woman sitting to his left. She had long brown hair and dangly silver earrings. She was in her late thirties. Maybe a decade older than Conrad. Adam had proposed to her after six months of dating and last Conrad had heard they were planning a destination wedding sometime this coming winter. That was what he gathered from the subject lines of the emails he received from his father’s assistant, at least. He hadn’t opened a single one. 

Conrad nodded and extended his hand to the woman politely. He didn’t want to, he felt a bitterness that he knew wasn’t fair to Lydia. His mother had raised him to be kind and polite, though. So he shook her hand, smiled and said, “It’s nice to see you again.”

He had met her once before, very briefly when he met his father for lunch while he was on a layover in LA. Adam hadn’t given him a heads-up, so Conrad had been completely caught off guard by the woman clutching onto his father’s arm. 

“How’s the beach house holding up?” Adam asked and Conrad blinked back. He worked hard to hold his words with his father. He had learned long ago that it was rarely worth the fight. Nothing was ever achieved. 

“It’s good.”

“Jeremiah said that Belly is staying there with you this summer?” Adam asked, lifting a brow in questions, “How’s that working out?”

“It’s good, I mean…it’s Belly. Just like old times, you know.”

“Right.” Adam nodded, never saying what he actually meant. Lydia was looking at them both with a hint of confusion across her face that Conrad was choosing to ignore. Adam, however, was not. Ever appeasing to the new woman in his life. “Belly, Isabel - she’s um. Well, her mother and Conrad’s mother were best friends. They brought the kids out to the beach every summer together. Conrad here,” Adam chuckled, “Had a little thing with Belly for a while. That didn’t work out and then she got with Jeremiah. Which also didn’t work out. Not before they ran up my Amex planning an entire wedding, of course.”

“Oh?” Lydia was clearly trying not to judge the story that Adam was telling. She seemed like she was unsure how she was supposed to respond, which Conrad figured was fair enough. 

“The details really aren’t important, dad. She’s a family friend.”

“Alright,” Adam said, throwing his hands in surrender, “You can see where a father might find some concern though?” He was talking to Lydia now, “His two boys going back and forth over the same girl for years. They were always like that though, their mother always bought two of everything otherwise it would be a constant tug-of-war. Never could share.”

“Belly isn’t an object, dad. She wasn’t some toy that we fought over.” Conrad huffed out a breath and thought of leaving. Of never speaking to his father again. He couldn’t even really blame his brother, not completely, for the way he had treated Belly like a prize. It stemmed from their father. 

“Anyways,” Adam said, “Lydia just passed her real estate exam, isn’t that right honey?”

“I did, bit of a career change. Your dad really pushed me to get myself out there!” She smiled and nodded in Conrad’s direction. He could see where this was going.

“She’s working for a property management company right now. I was thinking she could show you some of her listings.” Adam gave Conrad a look, as if it wasn’t really a question.

“It would be great to get to know you more, and I have some really nice rentals near your father’s house.”

“I’d like to be a little closer to the hospital than that.” Conrad said, dismissively. Looking for a way out. 

“I have listings all over the city.” She smiled. Conrad felt painted into a corner. His mother’s voice rang in his head, instructing him to be kind. It wasn’t her fault that his father was an asshole, she’d probably get caught in his crossfire eventually. 

“That’d be great. Thank you, Lydia.”

 

---

 

Lydia had shown Conrad two apartments that would have been fine if he were looking for something for just himself. He wasn’t looking for just himself, though. He was looking for something that Belly would love, somewhere she would want to be. Although he knew she wasn’t going to rush to move here, and maybe she would never want to give up her life in Philadelphia. They’d figured it out. But, he was hoping for plenty of weekends in Boston with her. He wanted a space that felt like them, not just him. 

“Do you have anything…brighter? I don’t know, maybe a view?” Conrad asked, looking out the small window in the current unit they were viewing. 

“Oh,” Lydia brightened, she had seemed dejected at Conrad’s disapproval thus far, “I have something you might like. It’s a little bit on the higher end, but if you’re looking for a view you’ll love it!”

Conrad drove the half a mile behind Lydia’s shiny new car. A gift, he was sure, from his father. He tried not to let it bother him. It was his father he was mad at, not Lydia. 

It was a high-rise building, overlooking a park that his mother would bring them to sometimes after school. He could picture her, sitting on one of the benches reading a book – smiling across the park to her boys. He had always been so worried, when he was little, about losing her on days when the park was crowded. He’d scan the benches every few minutes until he found her, always worrying that if he didn’t see her she might disappear.  

Lydia led him to an apartment at the end of the hall on the twelfth floor. In adulthood, Conrad had always lived in simple apartments. Nowhere flashy or luxurious. Practical little one bedrooms with flat white walls and outdated appliances. This place was nothing like that. It was an open concept living space, floor-to-ceiling windows and the kitchen looked brand new. 

“This is…very nice.” Conrad nodded, letting out an impressed smile, “It might be nicer than I’m looking for, actually.”

“Well,” Lydia said, “It’s a newer build. Great space for young, successful people like yourself. There’s a fitness center and indoor pool on site. Parking is included, and they even offer dry cleaning and a complimentary coffee bar in the lobby.”

“A pool?” Conrad knew how much Belly loved her night swims. What if he could give those to her year round?

“Yeah, indoor and outdoor. The bedroom is through that way and the bathroom is connected,” Lydia pointed to the door on the far right of the living room. The bedroom was almost twice the size of his room back in LA. The bathroom had two sinks and…two closets. He hadn’t realized he had said the last part out loud. 

“Yeah, two closets. Isn’t that great!” Lydia said, popping her head around the corner, “You dad didn’t mention, do you have someone moving in with you?”

“Oh,” Conrad ran a hand through his hair, “No, not really. I just…extra storage is always nice.”

“Right,” Lydia smiled, “Well, I’ll let you look around some more. I can show you the pool and community spaces if you’d like.”

Conrad walked to the window and looked down at the view of the park, the city skyline flashing to life behind it. He pulled his phone from his pocket and sent some pictures of the apartment - the view, the kitchen, the big bathroom with the double sinks and deep, soaking bathtub- and sent them to Belly. 

 

Conrad: I’m lost. What do you think?

 

Belly: Gorgeous view! I think that bedroom is the size of my entire apartment. 

 

Conrad: You like it?

 

Belly: I could see you there

 

But could you see us here? Conrad wanted to reply. 

 

Conrad: I’ll need help decorating. And you’ll need to visit me a lot. There's a pool.

 

Belly: You and a pool??? My two favorite things. You might not be able to get rid of me.

 

Conrad: That was the plan.

 

“I’ll take it.” Conrad announced, walking back to the main living space where Lydia was leaning against the kitchen island, scrolling on her phone. 

“Oh, perfect!” She exclaimed, “Let’s head down to the office and we can start the paperwork. We’ll need two years of taxes and your offer letter from the hospital as proof of income, can you get those?”

“No problem,” Conrad smiled, picturing already the memories he could have here with Belly. It was finally there on the horizon, a future with his girl. 

 

---

 

Belly had finished her work earlier than she thought. It was only her second year working as a guidance counselor and last year she hadn’t had to deal with any of the student’s schedules since she was new. The schedule piece was new to her, luckily she had been able to call her colleague for help and work through the more difficult cases. The majority of requests though, were invalid or unable to be accommodated. She had fielded a few angry emails from parents, and one sassy email from a senior who wanted to switch out of her required trigonometry class to take woodworking elective with her boyfriend. 

By lunchtime, though, she was caught up and logging off of her laptop. She had decided to make use of the rest of her day so she deep cleaned the downstairs of the house, changed the sheets on all of the beds for their upcoming guests, and threw in a load of laundry. Conrad’s hamper was only half full, so she tossed it in with her load. She liked emptying the dryer to see Conrad’s flannel tangled with her pajama pants. It made her heart flip, their clothes co-mingled. She folded his laundry neatly and tucked it away in his dresser drawers.

By the time his keys were in the door later that night, the entire house was spotless and a pot of spaghetti was on the stovetop. 

“Hey,” He smiled in the doorway at her, “I like coming home to you.”

She crossed the room to greet him, placing the palms of her hands on his cheeks. Her hands were warm against his skin, “I like you coming home to me.” She said, planting a soft kiss to his lips. She started to retreat, stepping back toward the food on the stove when he wrapped a hand around her forearm and pulled her back into him. 

“I really missed you today, Belly.” He kissed her again, harder. When he pulled away, he was looking at her, half-lidded. She loved when he looked at her that way, as if he was drunk on her. He tugged gently at the ends of her hair and then cupped her face in his hands and kissed her again. “You have no idea.” 

“It was empty here without you.” She replied, leaning her head onto his chest, “I was so bored I cleaned the whole house.”

“I noticed, thank you.” He looked around appreciatively. 

“And made up all the beds for everyone. I think the only thing left is to pick up the food, drinks and get this place decorated.”

“And you made dinner?” Conrad raised his eyebrows, impressed. He walked to the stovetop and lifted the lid to the pot, “It smells amazing.”

“I’m not nearly as good a cook as you, but…” She shrugged, “I’ve learned a few things.”

“Thank you, for all of this. I mean, you could’ve just enjoyed the rest of your day. Lounged by the pool, finally finished the last Brontë novel.” He teased, knowing she was slowly making her way through Susannah's bookshelf. She had been stuck on Jane Eyre for a few weeks now.

“Let me take care of you, Conrad. You always take care of everything. Of everyone. You don’t have to do that anymore, not with me.”

He nodded once and bit at his lip, “Okay. Thank you.”

“Enough with the thanking me,” She swiped her hand as if she was pushing his words out of the air, “Now tell me about Boston.”

“I signed the lease. One year.” He smiled and nodded, “I think you’ll really like it there. When you visit.”

“I’m excited to see it.”

“And I had coffee with Adam. Went to the hospital to meet my new chief and fill out some paperwork.”

“How was Adam?” She asked with hesitation. The last time she had seen him it hadn't been pleasant. 

“He’s…Adam. He asked about you.”

“Me? I think he still hates me. He was pretty mad when we called off the wedding.”

“No one could ever hate you,” Conrad said, shaking his head, “No, Jere just told him we were here together for the summer.”

“Ah,” Belly nodded, “Well I don’t think he’ll be willing to pay for another one of my weddings so—“

She stopped herself, embarrassed for what she had implied. That they’d be married one day. She looked down and tried to hide the blush that she could feel creeping up her cheeks. “I mean…” She dared a look up and him and he was supressong a smile. Just barely. He was amused, possibly delighted, “sorry, I didn’t mean—“

“Don’t apologize,” He stepped closer to her, brushed her hair behind her ear, “ever. Especially not for insinuating we have a future together.”

She nodded and he took a deep breath. “I should tell you something, though. But it stays between us.”

“Of course.”

“A few years ago I found out that Adam brought a woman here. For a weekend. I lost it.” He stepped away from her again and ran a hand down the side of his face, “I mean, this was my moms house. It felt like he had betrayed her all over again. He had no right. Except, he told me he did. He bought it from Julia, it was his now.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.” Conrad nodded, “So, I bought it from him. I told Jeremiah that he did the right thing on his own and put in our names himself. That wasn’t true.”

“You...How?” She shook her head in confusion.

“My trust.” He answered, “It’s gone. I mean, he gave me a good deal. Less than he paid, far less than it's worth. But, my trust is gone.”

She had never suspected. She didn’t think any one did. “Does anyone know this? My mom?”

“No, aside from my dad you’re the only person who knows.”

“But…Con,” She shook her head in disbelief, “I can’t believe Adam would make you buy it from him. I though he didn’t want you to use your trust up like that.”

“He changed his mind,” Conrad shrugged, “I was almost through med school at the time, already had my residency position lined up. I guess he figured he’d gotten me where I needed to be. And he did—“ he put his hands on his chest, “Really, I’m grateful. He paid for all of my schooling and helped me plenty. I make good money now, on my own. I just wanted you to know…”

“I can't believe he put you in that position," Belly shook her head, "Susannah would be so proud of you. The way you take care of this place and watch out for Jere. I'm sorry you lost everything, though."

"I didn't lose anything," He clarified, reaching out and and running his hand down the side of her arm, "This house is all I care about. I don't need Adam's money. I make my own now."

"Of course," She said, "I'm just sorry you had to go through that alone. You should've told Jere."

"Don't ever tell him, Belly. Promise me, this is between us."

"I promise," She said and leaned her head into his chest, "Thank you for trusting me with that."

 

---

Three days later house was full. Taylor and Steven had driven into town Saturday afternoon with their guests following soon after. Taylor had two of her cousins, Emily and Ava; a friend from college, Abby, and two friends from work that Belly hadn’t met before, Adrienne and Kate. 

Steven had Jeremiah, who had also brought Samantha along, and a handful of random friends from Princeton and work; Ben, Chandler, Smith, and a guy who only went by Shark - as far as Belly knew. 

Belly and Conrad had decorated the house on theme for the party – outerspace. Belly had hung a big sign that said ‘A Love That’s Out of This World’ above the big kitchen window and taped old photos of Taylor and Steven under it. They had the idea when they were looking through a box of old photos and came across one of a toddler Steven in his astronaut pajamas, “I swear he wore those for like six summers in a row,” Conrad laughed. Belly had told him that it was because Laurel kept having to rebuy them - they were the only one’s he’d wear until he was at least 8. 

The plan was for everyone to chill at the house and enjoy the day - they had planned a few games and set up the volleyball net on the beach. Then, later that night the real party would start. Conrad had rented a party bus to bring them out to some local bars, and Belly had got enough food, drinks, and party supplies for the fun to continue once they got back to the house. 

“You guys did good, babe. This is going to be such a fun weekend,” Taylor said, spraying her legs with tanning oil. The girls had all changed into their swimsuits shortly after arrival, and were sitting on the lounge chairs by the pool sipping margaritas. 

“Ok, and you did not tell me the groomsmen were so good looking. I would’ve pitched myself as a bridesmaid harder had I known!” Adrienne, Taylor’s work friend gushed, “They’re you and Steven’s cousins, Belly?”

“No,” Belly and Taylor both laughed in response, “Our mom’s are best friends, so we all grew up together. We've been friends our whole lives.”

“And they’re off limits,” Taylor commanded, “Jere is with Samantha,” She pointed to Sam who smiled sheepishly - she had been clinging to Belly’s side since the boys had left to go surf, clearly unsure where she fit amongst this group.

“And Conrad? He is so hot. Please give me an hour alone in a room with him.” Adrienne wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and the rest of the girls laughed. Except Belly, Sam and Taylor.

“Has been in love with Belly for like ever, so don’t waste your time.” Taylor said possessively without missing a beat, “Seriously.”

Belly smiled shyly and looked over at Sam who was beaming at her, as if to say I knew it. Sam was really starting to grow on her. 

“How long have you guys been together?” Kate asked, gushing for either gossip or a good romance. 

“We just um…” They hadn’t discussed labels or relationship status, it had just been assumed, “We were together when we were younger–”

“He was her first love,” Taylor interjected, "And I don't think Conrad is capable of loving anyone other than Belly."

“This summer we’ve…reconnected–”

“Been boning like rabbits.” Taylor interrupted again with a giggle, “Definitely. No one is as happy as you are unless the sex is amazing.”

Belly blushed and shook her head at her friend with a laugh, “I guess that’s one way to put it. I was going to be more…eloquent about it.”

“Oh, so you guys aren’t together-together?” Adrienne asked, but before she could answer Steven was walking up the path, calling for Belly and Taylor.

“Come on you two, it’s on!” He shouted, Conrad was walking behind him shaking his head with a laugh and saying, “I’m warning you man, I’m not going easy just cause you’re the groom.”

“What are you two going on about?” Taylor asked.

“Your future husband here seems to think the two of you can beat me and Belly at volleyball. Although, correct me if I’m wrong here, Belly, but I do believe we are the reigning champs.”

“Indeed, we are.” She smiled, “But who are we to deny them?”

“You guys are on!” Taylor said and they all headed inside to get changed. 

Belly followed Conrad up to his room, she had moved her clothes into his closet for the weekend as she was letting two of the girls stay in her room. Belly watched with admiration as Conrad stripped off his wet clothes and stepped into a pair of athletic shorts. 

“Adrienne is into you,” Belly said, as she sat down on the bed. She didn’t know what she was feeling exactly - possessiveness? When the girls had brought up Conrad, her stomach had boiled with a hot rage that she couldn’t quite explain other than that she wanted everyone to know that he was hers. She was glad for Taylor drawing the line in the sand on her behalf. 

“Who?” Conrad asked, pulling his shirt over his head.

“Adrienne. Taylor’s friend from work - the one with the long, reddish hair. She asked you to show her to her room.”

“Oh,” Conrad shrugged, completely clueless. She couldn’t make sense of the way she was feeling. She was fishing, and she knew it. All she wanted was for him to reassure her, but he wasn’t getting the hint.

“Are you going to wear that?” He asked, eyeing her one piece bathing suit, “You should change into your shorts or something. This is going to be an intense game - I think Stevens trying to show off for his friends. He's being very competitive.”

“I’ll meet you down there.” She said, he kissed her cheek and left her alone to change. 

It was a snap judgment decision. She stripped her one piece swimsuit off and changed into an old bikini. She hadn’t worn it in years, it was an old relic - left behind after a weekend she and Taylor had spent at the house around her 21st birthday. It was a deep red - high cut on the bottoms and low cut on the top. She threw a pair of cotton shorts over the bottoms and pulled her hair into a slick ponytail. She took one last look in the mirror, adjusted her breasts and headed down to the beach for this impromptu volleyball showdown. 

“Jesus,” Taylor whistled when she saw her and threw her an approving smile. 

“Jere is reffing,” Steven called, “No interference from the peanut gallery. Some of you may not know this, but Fisher-Conklin challenges get pretty intense and these two will try to cheat.”

“Oh, you’re such a sore loser,” Belly shook her head, “Where’s Conrad?”

“Right here,” He called from behind her, he was coming down the trail to the beach with the volleyball under his arm. She turned around and caught the look in his eyes as he took in her outfit, he bit back a smile. Eyes on fire. 

“I’ve never had Taylor on my team, so all bets are off!” Steven responded, retreating to his side of the net to stretch with Taylor.

“Do you want us to lose?” Conrad whispered in her ear as he passed her. She gave him a confused look, “How am I supposed to focus on the game? You’re always beautiful, but this is…I don’t think I can look away.”

That was what she wanted, she realized, to show Adrienne that it was her that Conrad wanted. He chose her. 

“You better figure out a way, Fisher, cause I don’t lose.” She teased, stretching her arms to the side. She pushed her chest in his direction as she stretched her shoulders and he stepped toward her, pulled her to his body and whispered right into her ear, “What’s the prize if we win?”

“Break it up over there, are we playing or what?” Steven shouted over the net.

“We’re talking strategy,” Belly called over her shoulder and then dropped her voice so only Conrad could hear her reply to him, “Me.”

“Two out of three - first to twenty-one each match!” Jere called out.

Belly and Conrad won the first match easily. They were communicating moves without even needing to speak, both quick on their feet and precise with their serves. Belly could feel that Taylor was getting irritated with Steven, who was fumbling quite a bit. Steven had his hands on his knees, catching his breath. 

“Come on,” Conrad yelled out, “We said we weren’t going easy on you!”

“Fuck off,” Steven yelled out, “First match is just a warm up.”

“We got this babe!” Taylor yelled at him. 

Halfway through the second match, Belly and Conrad were up again when the knot in the top of her bikini strap came loose. Instead of bumping the ball, Conrad dove right past it and for Belly - reaching for her strap and securing it in place before it fell.

“Our point!” Steven called.

“Come on, her top was about to fall!” Conrad argued, knotting it back into place for her. He double knotted, then shook his head and went for a third knot. 

“Not our fault your girlfriend decided to dress like she was going tanning.” Steven shrugged and then looked at Jere, “It’s our point, right?”

“Sorry, guys," Jere looked toward Conrad, "Steve’s right.”

Belly was embarrassed. It threw the rest of her game off and they lost the second match. It was anyone’s game now. 

Steven and Taylor’s game had improved, their confidence having gained from their second match win. Conrad and Belly were struggling to keep their lead. Conrad spiked the ball over the net and from the sidelines Adrienne cheered, “Good one! Go Conrad!”

Belly rolled her eyes in annoyance - as the ball came over the net she yelled out “Got it,” and dove forward. She didn’t have it, though. Instead she ended up diving, chest first, into sand and coming up covered. 

Conrad pulled her to her feet and gave her a concerned look over, “Are you okay? That was a hard fall.”

“I’m good.” She said and signaled to resume the game. 

She wasn’t good. She was feeling foolish. Conrad had only looked at her all day, she had no reason to be feeling jealous. She knew that. It was just her stupid, jealous heart that hadn’t caught up to speed yet.

After Jeremiah had cheated on her, Belly had found herself years later with unresolved jealousy and trust issues. She hated that about herself. It had leaked into almost every relationship she had since, and the real kicker was that she hadn’t really cared for any of the other men she had dated. Not the way she cared for Conrad. And she trusted him so deeply. She was confident that he was not the type of man who could ever cheat or even have a wandering eye. She did not want to carry this baggage into this relationship with Conrad. Neither of them deserved that. 

Her mind wasn’t in the game, and Steven and Taylor pulled a comeback and took a win in the third match. 

“Yes!” They cheered, spinning in each other’s arms in celebration, “I told you guys, Team Conklin, baby!”

“Good game, guys!” Conrad yelled out, approaching the net to shake their hands, “We’re taking our win back next year though.”

Belly sat down in the sand and let out a long breath. “Are you okay?” Conrad asked, eyeing her up. She was still covered in sand. 

“Yeah,” She smiled weakly. 

Adrienne stood from the side of the net and walked over to them, “You’ve got a killer serve,” She said to Conrad, “I might need some pointers. It’s been a while since I’ve played. I think me and Shark are going to take on your brother and his girlfriend.”

“Thanks,” Conrad said, only sparing her a short glance, “I’m sure you’ll be great. Jere’s mediocre,” He called the last part over his shoulder toward Jeremiah who was bouncing the ball above his head. He dropped the ball briefly to flash a middle finger in Conrad’s direction. 

“This is your parents house then? Taylor mentioned you all summered here together as kids.” Adrienne asked, still not acknowledging Belly who was seated in the sand between them. 

“Uh, yeah,” He nodded, “Every summer.”

“That must’ve been so nice! I’ve never really–”

“Sorry,” Conrad interrupted her, “I think Belly might have sprained something when she fell, I’m just…” He motioned down to Belly, “We’re going back up to the house for a bit.”

He squatted down to Belly’s level and took her arms in his hands and examined, “Are you hurting anywhere?”

Adrienne hovered awkwardly above them for a few seconds longer than necessary before retreating back toward the other girls. 

“You good, Belly?” Steven asked, him and Taylor were making their way back up toward to the house to grab drink refills.

“I’m fine,” She smiled and then looked at Conrad, “Really, I’m okay. Just embarrassed.”

“Come on,” He said, offering her his hand and then pulling her to his feet, “I was promised a prize.”

“We didn’t win,” She smiled as he put an arm around her, walking the trail back up to the house linked together.

“Didn’t we?” He leaned down and kissed her cheek, “I feel like I won. Steven called you my girlfriend, and you didn't object.”

She couldn't help but smile up at him, "Well, I am, aren't I?"

“Yeah," He let out a happy breath and grinned toward the house, "You are."

She started toward the backdoor, but he grabbed her hand and led her to the side of the house. “Let’s get you rinsed off, Sandy Cheeks,” She nodded and followed him to the outdoor shower. “Come on,”

He had adjusted the water to the perfect temperature- warm, but not so warm that it was uncomfortable in the summer heat. He turned the shower head toward her and ran his hands across her body, swiping away the sand that was clinging to her skin. It felt so good, his rough hands caressing her skin gently. The simple touch alone was charged, electric through her body. She let out a contented sigh.

“You don’t know the effect you have on me.” He whispered huskily, his hands now running down her chest. 

“Show me,” Her arms reached behind her head and she pulled at the triple knot he had secured to hold her bikini up. Seconds later she had the string undone, she threw the straps forward and let the top drop off her body. 

The challenge was readily accepted, without hesitation his mouth was over hers, and his hands under her ass lifting her up until she was pressed flush against his body. She wrapped her legs around his back and placed her hands on the side of his face and down his neck. 

Her skin burned and ached for more of him. More, more, more. She slid back down his body and pulled her bottoms and shorts off, leaving them in a sopping heap on the shower floor. The shower rained down on them, she pulled at the hem of Conrad’s shirt until he lifted it away and then her hands were on the waist of his shorts, teasing her fingers along line of muscles leading down his pelvis. She smiled as he twitched inside his shorts. Pulling for her like a magnet. Aching for her in the same ways she ached for him. 

He stopped for a moment and stepped out of his shorts, kicked them to the corner with her own. It was in the these moments that Conrad stopped being neat. Allowed himself to make a mess. He put his hands on Belly’s side and turned her around, pressing his abdomen into her back. 

On instinct, her back arched toward him. Pressing them closer. She turned her neck up toward him, and when he didn’t get the hint she pulled his face down to her. He trailed small kisses down her neck and and across her shoulder. A satisfied chill ran through her body and she shivered against him. 

Normally, he was so tender and loving with her. On the rare occasion, he was rougher. More commanding. She loved it when he dropped his guard down like that and let his body move on intuition. Uninhibited. It felt primal. His body pressed her against the shower wall, still biting and sucking at her neck while his right hand snaked it’s way across her stomach and between her legs. 

“Please,” She whimpered, pressing hard against him searching for release. He was hard against her, his length pressing against her lower back. He ignored her request and kept touching her and teasing her. Over and over she arched her backside into him, she could tell it was having an effect. His breathing was shakier, his fingers moving out of rhythm. 

Finally, he broke. He lifted her up slightly and guided himself to her entrance, a groan escaping him as he made contact with the warmth of her. Finally he pressed inside her so slowly that it only made her ache for him more intense. His thrusts were slow and deliberate, as if he was savoring the moment between them. 

Eventually he pulled away and turned her around so they were facing each other. His eyes were burning into her own as he lifted her up against the shower wall, “I need to be able to kiss you,” he said as he slid back into her. She couldn't help but moan into his mouth as he kissed her again, so passionately. So full of purpose. They moved together, rhythmically until they each found release. 

"We should shower together more often," She joked, as they made their way back to the house hand-in-hand.

They were together. She made a vow to herself to stop letting her insecurities ruin her day. The last thing she wanted to do was draw a wedge between her and Conrad, or create an issue where there was none. 

 

---

 

“Wait, Belly, you’re telling me this was Conrad’s idea?” Steven asked, awestruck as they all loaded onto the party bus that night, “Outdid yourself, man!”

“It was all him!” Belly beamed, sliding to the bench seat across from Steven and Taylor. Conrad slid in beside her, putting his arm around her. There hasn’t been a need to announce themselves, everyone had already found them out. 

“The idea was mine, the execution was all Belly.” He corrected, “She found this one. If left to me, I would’ve rented a school bus.”

“Whose ready for some shots?” Jeremiah called out, coming around the bus with a stack of plastic cups and large bottle of vodka, “I’d like to toast to one of my best friends - and to Steven, you’re alright too. No, I’m just joking. To Taylor and Steven, you guys make the rest of us look bad.”

“Speaking of speeches,” Jeremiah said, sitting down on Conrad’s other side once they had all downed their shots, “You guys have yours ready for the wedding?”

“Are you kidding?” Conrad asked in mock offense, “I’ve had a best man speech on deck for this guy for years.”

Once they got to the bar, they all split up - the guys heading for the pool table in the back and the girls finding a long high top. 

Belly had put a ‘Bride to Be’ sash on Taylor as they left the house and they had all dressed up - Belly had even let Taylor choose her outfit, something she rarely allowed anymore. 

 

Conrad was nursing a beer, leaning against a table and watching Steven and one of his friends play a round of pool when Jeremiah took the spot next to him. “So you and Belly, its on then?”

“Yeah,” Conrad nodded, “We’re, you know, taking it slow. Figuring things about, but…it’s good between us.”

“Alright,” Jeremiah nodded and took a long sip of his whiskey, “Figured it was only a matter of time.”

“You’re good with us being together?” 

“Would it matter if I wasn’t?” Jeremiah asked, a beat passed before Conrad shook his head and replied, “Honestly, Jere? There’s nothing in the world that could hold me back from her.”

“Then I’m good with it, really. I want you both to be happy.” He took another sip of his drink, “And I don’t have those feelings for her. I’ll always love her, but… I love her the way I love you, or Steven. You know?”

Conrad nodded and laughed, “Okay, we’re good then.”

“Yeah, man. We’re good.”

---

 

“Oh my god, I’ve had way too much,” Sam slurred as she set her head on Belly’s shoulder. They had left the fourth and final bar on their party bus tour and were now heading back to the house. The bus was more full than it had been when they left the house, with several people they had met out – old friends and new– joining them as they brought the party back to the house. Belly was trying to meet Jeremiah’s eyes across the bus to signal that she needed help with Sam, but he was busy with the other guys in the back of the bus. She had somehow ended up as Sam’s drunken caretaker after the second bar. 

When they got back to the house, Belly’s frustration grew as Jeremiah hopped off the bus with the guys and left her sitting with Sam snoring onto her shoulder. “Does he not see his girlfriend over here?” She huffed and shook Sam awake, “Come on, let’s get you inside to bed.”

Conrad was at the front of the bus, talking to the driver and leaving him a tip. He had whispered to Belly as they left the last bar that he thought it would be best to tip extra - they’d probably annoyed the guy with their impromptu karaoke. 

“Ava, can you help me?” Belly asked Taylor’s cousin and the other bridesmaid. The two held Sam steady and guided her up to the house as she stumbled. Belly got her tucked in to Jeremiah's bed. Once she was sure that Sam was okay, she headed downstairs to the kitchen. Conrad was already there, setting the drinks they had purchased out on the counter and filling bowls of pretzels and chips.

“I think I’m going to throw some pizzas in,” He said when she walked in, “Everyone is pretty hammered.”

“Sounds good,” She said and leaned into his side, “Take a shot with me?”

“Sure,” He smiled, “I think we have some catching up to do if we’re going to be able to hang with these guys the rest of the night.”

He grabbed the bottle of tequila and filled two shot glasses with him, “What are we toasting to?” She asked.

Conrad raised his glass, “To…this party, for bringing us back together.”

He was looking at her so deeply, eyes shiny and kind in the way that made her body warm. His gaze was like the sun, heating her. Flushing her cheeks.

“And to every summer to come?”

He gave her a crooked smile, as if it was a reflex and then clinked his glass to hers and downed the shot in one gulp. She followed suit and then got her tip-toes to plant a kiss on his lips.

“There they are!” Steven hollered, walking through to the kitchen with Taylor at his side, “The maid of honor and best man. Two love birds!” Belly couldn’t remember the last time she had seen him this buzzed. He seemed young. 

“Come on guys, everyones in the other room. We’ve got music and dancing!” Taylor slurred, doing a slight curtsy when she said dancing.

“We’ll be right there,” Conrad laughed and shook his head at them, “You guys are having fun?”

“Yes!” Taylor exclaimed, “For a couple of squares you guys put on a good party.”

“We’ll return the favor one day,” Steven winked and then put his arm around Conrad and whisper-yelled, “Cause you are definitely going to marry my sister, man.”

“Alright,” Conrad clapped him on the back with a blush, “Let’s get back to the party.”

 

---

 

Everyone was spread out across the house. Somehow the party had grown - Jeremiah and Steven had text old buddies to invite them over as well. 

“Taylor, what is with that girl?” Belly whined leaning into Taylor’s side and motioning across the room where Adrienne was standing between a group of the guys telling an animated story. Conrad said something and she reached over and touched his bicep, laughing. Belly felt anger swell in her chest. Conrad kept his arms crossed across his chest and turned to say something to Steven. He was ignoring Adrienne, but Belly couldn't help but feel annoyed at the girl. Her insecurities having risen back in her chest the more she drank.

“I don’t know,” Taylor shook her head, “She’s blown us off all night to flirt. Forget her.”

“She’s been throwing herself at Conrad all day.” Belly huffed.

“He’s literally eye fucking you right now, you don’t have anything to worry about.” Ava said, passing her the bowl of pretzels. 

“Belly,” Taylor said, her voice in a sing-song tone the way it always was when she drank, “Just go over there and tell him that you love him.”

“We’re all drunk right now, Taylor. I’m not…” Belly crossed her arms, “It’s not time yet.”

“Well, tick-tock babe.” Taylor pinched her side, “Barbies making a move now.”

Belly looked across the room as a tall, blonde woman that one of the guys had invited back from the bar came over and started to tell Conrad something. 

“I’m going to get us each another drink. And more pretzels.” Belly declared, leaving Taylor and her cousin behind on the couch as Steven crossed the room and stole her spot next to Taylor.

She made her way past the kitchen, to the small half bath. She was washing her hands when she noticed a phone on the shelf above the toilet. Conrad’s phone. She looked at it confused and almost left it behind, before picturing someone drunker than her finding it and dropping it into the toilet. She grabbed it, intending to bring it out to him but when she picked it up it unlocked and a text notification from earlier in the night flashed across the screen. How long had his phone been in here?

She didn’t mean to read it. But how could she not?

 

Lydia: I know it was weird in LA, but I’m glad we got to meet again in Boston. I just wanted you to know I take this relationship very seriously and look forward to getting to know you more.

 

This relationship. Everything around Belly went quiet aside from the drum of her heartbeat. Her chest clenched, her stomach dropped. She read it again and again. He had been lying to her all summer. How had it all felt so real if it wasn't? She steadied herself against the sink as the room began to spin around her. She set the phone down on the counter and covered her mouth, trying to focus on her breathing and recounting the past few months they had spent together. She had thought they were on the same page, she had thought…maybe that he loved her the way she loved him. How stupid could she be? But, it also didn’t make sense. It didn’t track with the man she knew. 

What in the fuck is going on? She asked herself, over and over. 

She picked the phone back up and stumbled back out to the party, scanning the crowd with wild eyes. He wasn’t in the corner where she had left him. Steven, Taylor, and Jere were nowhere to be seen either. She needed a familiar face. 

Ava was still on the couch, talking with one of Steven’s Princeton friends. “Have you guys seen Conrad?” Belly asked, bleary eyed. The room was still spinning around her. Her heart was still hammering through her chest and reverberating through her throat. 

“No, sorry. Steven and Taylor are in the pool, maybe he’s out there with them.” Ava said.

“Okay,” She nodded and looked out the window. He wasn’t out there. Neither, she noted with a sour stomach, was the girl she had seen him talking with last. 

She pressed the home button on Conrad’s phone and read the message again, just to make sure she hadn’t imagined it. She watched Steven and Taylor laughing as they sat on the edge of the pool, hand in hand. She wanted to go to them, to ask what was going on. But how could she disturb them or burden them with this right now? It was their party, they were happy. It was her who was fucked up. 

She raced up the stairs, wanting to get away from everyone. To think. She wished she was sober enough to think clearly, although it wasn’t as much the drinks as it was the shock that was clouding her mind. When she got to the top landing she saw that his door was shut. Had he gone to bed already?

There was a voice on the other side of the door. A woman’s voice. A wave of nausea washed over her body and rolled through her stomach. Her face was on fire, she was too mad to cry. Too mad to even be sad yet. 

Her hand wrapped around the doorknob, she was gathering the courage to turn it when someone opened the bathroom door behind her. 

“Belly, thank god. The toilet overflowed. Someone flushed a whole roll of toilet paper, can you grab some towels?” Conrad was standing there, plunger in hand. 

“Whose in your room?” She asked, eyes narrowed and his phone still clutched in her hand. 

“No one?”

“Liar.” She breathed and flung the door open. 

Jeremiah. On the edge of the bed making out with the blonde from the bar. 

“What the fuck!” Belly yelled and looked toward Conrad, “Did you know he was in here?”

“Who–” Conrad had dropped the plunger on the bathroom floor and crossed the hall to his doorway, “What the fuck, Jere? What are you doing?”

“It's not…” He stood and started to button his shirt, “We were just talking.”

“Your girlfriend is asleep across the hall.” Conrad said, his voice low and stern. It reminded Belly of when Laurel would scold her when she was a kid, “Get your shit together, man.”

Belly stepped between them, afraid that Conrad was going to hit him. He looked like he might. His eyes were flashing anger and Jere had his defenses up, likely to say something dumb and set him off. 

Before either of them could say anything further, she pressed the phone into Conrad’s hands. “I really believed in you, but I guess all of you Fisher men are the same.” 

 

And then she ran. 

Notes:

Cliffhanger.

If only Belly knew what we know. Please don't hate me (or Belly) for this one.

Part 10 will be posted soon. I won't leave you hanging with this for long.

Thank you again for continuing to read along and share your feedback -- your kind comments in my inbox make my day and push me to keep writing! If not for you all, this story would likely only exist as another one of my daydreams.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10

Notes:

Chapter 10 has finally arrived... Chapter 11 is already in the works, it was going to all be one long chapter but I wanted to give the conversations and heaviness to this situation it's own space.

Longer note at the end :)

'Hey, it's all me, in my head
I'm the one who burned us down
But it's not what I meant
Sorry that I hurt you
I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you (Ooh)
I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)
I need to say, hey, it's all me, just don't go
Meet me in the afterglow'

- Afterglow, Taylor Swift

“I guess all of you Fisher men are the same”

“Belly?” Conrad ran after. She was down the stairs and around the corner in record time. 

“Conrad,” Jeremiah came behind and grabbed his arm, “Nothing was happening here, okay?”

“You’re so fucked up, Jere. I can’t deal with you right now. Get your shit together.” They were halfway down the stairs, Belly long gone. The girl Jeremiah had been with came out of Conrad’s room and snuck behind them down the staircase, murmuring an apology, “Seriously, Jere. Did you plan that? Did you want her to think it was me in there?”

“Fuck off,” Jeremiah yelled back, “You’re so full of yourself.”

“You’re the one with a girl in my room while your girlfriend is sleeping across the hall. I thought you were good, man. But you’ve completely reverted to type.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jeremiah yelled back. 

“I don’t know, Jere. Go look in the fucking mirror. Mom would be disgusted with you.” Conrad surprised even himself with his words. Bringing up their dead mom wasn't fair play and hey both knew it.

“Fuck you!” They were getting loud now, Conrad looked downstairs and was surprised that no one seemed to even notice them. Their fight was drowned out over the music someone had turned on, a new pop song blasting through the house. 

“It’s true. I’ve never said it to you before, but I’ve been thinking about it all these years. She would never forgive you for what you did to Belly. And now look at you, you can’t control yourself.”

“You’re a fucking asshole.” Jere spat at him. 

“Maybe, but at least I’m not a liar or a cheater.” Conrad turned, ready to walk away. He had wasted too much time fighting. He needed to find Belly. 

“You don’t know me. You’ve never known me.” Jeremiah said coolly. Conrad turned back around to look at him, before he could respond Sam appeared at the top of the staircase. Her hair messy and dress rumpled from sleep. 

“Jeremiah?” She called down, “Is everything okay? Are you guys fighting?”

“Everything is fine, Sam,” Jeremiah gave his brother a hard look and walked up the stairs to Sam, “Let’s go to bed.”

---

 

Belly ran as fast as her feet could take her. Far away. She wanted to be far away. She wished she were invisible. Her chest felt so hollow. Heartbreak. She hadn’t allowed herself to be heartbroken again, not in years. 

Somehow she made it out the side door without anyone seeming to see her. Taylor and Steven were still out in the pool, everyone inside was too drunk to take notice. She was sure she looked a mess. She kicked off her shoes at the side of the house, unsure why she had still been wearing them in the first place, and ran barefoot down toward the beach. 

The moon was bright and low, illuminating the water like a beacon calling her home. Nothing made sense. The pain from the past was mixing with the hope she had felt for the future – what was real? Had the whole summer been a mistake?

She wanted Susannah in that moment. Susannah who always had the right words for her. Tender and fair. Susannah who would brush her hair over her shoulder, and make her feel special. Make her feel right. She always showed her grace, even when she was in the wrong. Anytime she felt sad, her thoughts somehow made their way to that longing and grief over Susannah. It only made everything heavier, especially then as she weighted the character and actions of Susannah's sons in her mind. Was Conrad the same as his father? As his brother? 

“Belly!” Conrad was jogging down the beach toward, out of breath but not slowing down. She kept walking, wanting to be as far away from everyone as possible. She didn’t want to see Jeremiah or Conrad. She didn’t want to face Steven or Taylor and ruin their night. She just wanted to be alone. 

“I don’t want to see you right now. Please.” Belly called over her shoulder as she kept walking, “Just go back to the house.”

“No.” Conrad said, finally close on her heels, “Did you really think that was me in there? You thought I would do that to you?”

“Didn’t you?” She turned to face him and for the first time he saw the tears that were rolling down her cheeks. Big, fat tears. Neverending. Free flowing. 

“What?” He squinted in his eyes in confusion, “Of course not. What’s going on?”

“Your phone Conrad, I saw your phone.” She turned and kept walking, but turned back to face him after just a few steps, “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even suspect anything, it was just there on the bathroom shelf and I thought...I was just trying to bring it to you and then I saw your notifications. So I know everything now. You can stop pretending.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Belly.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He had one notification - a text from Lydia. “Are you talking about this?” He turned his phone to face her and she flinched, as if she couldn’t bear to see it one more time. 

“Just go, Conrad.” She turned and started walking again. 

“Please just stop, let me talk to you.” He pleaded, “That’s not what it looks like, Lydia is–”

“Don’t say her name to me!” Belly yelled, she had stopped walking again and turned to face him. There was a coldness in her eyes so sharp that it almost took his breath away, “I feel like I don’t even know you.”

Conrad let out a breath, “Maybe you don’t,” He blinked fast, “If that’s the kind of man you think I am.”

I guess all of you Fisher men are the same . Her words rang through is head, it was making sense now. She had lumped him together with his father and his brother, made a snap judgment and decided who he was. Even though he had thought she was the person who knew him better than anyone. 

She sat down hard in the sand, her shoulder shaking as sobs escaped her body. “Please go.” She cried.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He said firmly and sank down to the sand beside her, “Not until you hear me.”

“I don’t know what to think right now.” She turned away, looking down the beach in the opposite direction.

“Come on,” he pleaded, “You know me. You’re the only person I’ve ever told about what Adam did to my mom. I’m not like him. I’ve never once…” he shook his head, blinking back tears. Maybe they were too drunk to have this conversation, “Will you please come back to the house?”

She was sobbing again, cradling her head in her hands. He tried to put an arm around her, but she shrugged him away. 

“Belly, please talk to me.”

She didn’t answer. 

“I am not my dad, Belly. That’s not my path.” He took a breath and she heard the shaking as he exhaled, as if he himself was trying not to break down and cry with her

There was so much that he wanted to say to her. He wanted to grab her face, kiss away her tears and tell her that he loved her. With every cell in his body, he loved her. Deeper than the ocean in front of them, vaster than the sky. Infinitely. He loved her. Didn’t she know that? Didn’t she know him?

To her he had always been true and always would be. That is why he had kept everyone else at an arms length. That’s why he had never been serious with another woman. He wasn’t a cheater. He wasn’t a liar. But he didn’t commit, not fully. Because he was always waiting and hoping for a call. A letter. Maybe even an email or a text. He couldn’t get close to anyone else, because that wouldn’t be fair or right. Not when his heart was wherever she was. 

She was right when she called him heartless years ago on this very beach. His heart existed outside of his body, it lived with her. 

He couldn’t tell her this, though. Not now. Not while she was emotional and drunk. Not while his own heart was reeling with something close to betrayal at the thought that she could question his integrity so easily. 

After what felt like an endless silence, Belly finally lifted her head from her hands and wiped her face dry. In a small voice she said, “I’m going to go to bed.”

“Okay, let’s go inside.”

She nodded and bit her bottom lip, staring out at the tide as it teased the shoreline before standing and walking towards the house without another word. Making sure to keep at least a few paces ahead of him as to not get too close. 

The house was quieter than how they had left it, the party starting to wrap up and their guests beginning to get ready to end their nights. Conrad glanced at his phone. It was past 3:00 AM. 

“I think,” Belly hesitated at the door to the house, “Is it okay with you if I sleep in Susannah’s room tonight?”

No one had ever slept in her room before, not since she passed. Conrad had unpacked it exactly as she had left it, or close as he could possibly manage. But aside from passing through or lingering there with a memory, the room had remained untouched. 

Conrad nodded once, trying and failing not to feel rejected. Her room was occupied by Taylor’s friends, and she didn’t want to sleep beside him. “Of course.”

While she went upstairs to shower and change for the night, he made up his mother’s bed for her. He slipped extra pillows from the linen closet into the pillowcases with tiny pink flowers and draped the old fuzzy throw blanket that he knew she liked best across the foot of the bed. He wanted her to remember. Remember that she knew him. Remember that he, too, knew her. 

He thought about staying and waiting for her to come down from her shower. Of tucking her into bed, kissing her forehead and making sure she felt safe. He knew her well enough to know that wasn’t what she needed from him right then, though. She needed space. So he turned on the stained glass lamp on the nightstand and reluctantly left. 

In the kitchen he grabbed a case of beer from the fridge and then headed out the backdoor and down to the dock to clear his head. Earlier that day she had said she was his girlfriend. Just a few hours ago they had toasted to future summers together. Now, he wasn’t sure what she wanted or if she believed in him anymore. This had been the fear that was rooted in his heart since the start of summer, since the seed of hope had first entered his heart that maybe he could have a second chance with her. Losing her twice? That might ruin him. 

He collected himself at the sound of footsteps walking down the dock. He knew those footsteps so well that he didn’t have to turn around. The same loud, foot slamming stomps that his brother had his whole life. Their mother used to call him her tiny elephant when they were small, because everyone always knew when Jeremiah was coming. 

Jeremiah sat beside Conrad on the beach and without saying anything at all, Conrad passed him a beer from the case at his feet. They drank at the same time. 

“I didn’t mean what I said earlier,” Conrad broke their silence, “About mom. That wasn’t fair. I was just angry.”

“Me too.” 

“What’s going on with you?” Conrad turned to his brother and looked him deep in the eye, “This isn’t you. Cheating. You have a good thing going with, Sam.”

“I don’t know.” Jeremiah sighed deep and took a long swig of his beer, “I really don’t. I just…I don’t think I’m ready to marry her.”

“You don’t have to, you haven’t even proposed yet.” Conrad shook his head, “But have that conversation with her, Jere. End it respectfully, if you need to. Don’t hurt people. That’s not the brother I remember.”

“Isn’t it, though?”

“You can come back from this. But, that’s up to you.” Conrad looked back out toward the water, ashamed for the ways he felt he had failed his brother. Maybe he hadn’t been there for him enough when it mattered most. Maybe he had let his resentment and jealousy eat away at their relationship until there was nothing left of it but bones. 

“Are you and Belly okay?” Jeremiah asked with a sheepish voice, as if he was embarrassed to ask. It was Conrad’s turn to take a long drink of beer. 

“I don’t really know,” He said with a shaky voice, “She saw a message on my phone from Lydia and assumed I was seeing someone else, I guess.”

“Dad’s Lydia?” Jeremiah shook his head, “Just explain it to her, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I tried.” Conrad turned his head from his brother, not wanting him to see the tears that he was blinking back, “If I lose her again, Jere…”

“You’re not going to,” Jeremiah clapped a hand on his brother’s back, “She’s crazy about you. She always has been, don’t you know that? She’s probably just drunk and confused. Give her the night.”

Conrad nodded and wiped at his eyes, “Yeah.”

 

---

 

For a group of people who had been up all night drinking, the guests of the summer house woke early. Belly shoved a pillow over her face and tried to fall back asleep as everyone slammed around the kitchen and laughed over their morning coffee. When she heard the doorknob turn, she rolled over and pretended to be asleep. She wasn’t ready to face Conrad yet. 

“Belly,” Taylor sang and sat on the edge of Susannah’s bed, “I know you’re faking it. That is not your sleeping face.”

Belly opened her eyes and frowned at her best friend, “I didn’t know it was you.”

“What the hell happened last night? You and Conrad disappeared, and then when I went to find you this morning he said you were sleeping in here.”

“Ugh,” Belly groaned and put her arm over her eyes, “I’m sorry Tay, this weekend is supposed to be about you and Steven.”

“And it has been,” Taylor pulled Belly’s arm down, “Seriously, last night was so much fun. Now tell me what’s going on or I’ll go get Conrad and make you guys tell me together.”

“I don’t even know where to start.” Belly sat up and leaned against the headboard. Taylor eyed her, she was wearing one of Conrad's Stanford shirts. Belly saw the look that flashed across Taylor’s eyes – relief. If she was wearing his shirt, it couldn’t be that bad. 

She told the events of the night as she remembered them, which had to admit was hazy and likely out of order. Had she found the phone first or gone upstairs? Conrad had been plunging the toilet, and just how far had she run down the beach?

“Wait – what exactly did the text say?” Taylor asked for the fifth time at the end of Belly’s retelling. 

“I don’t remember! Something about seeing him when he was in Boston, and meeting in LA…and called the relationship good or something? I don’t know...”

“Are you sure you weren’t just like…making an assumption?” Taylor said cautiously, “I mean, I trust you, babe. And it sounds hella sketchy, but we all had a lot to drink last night and walking in on Jeremiah like that probably brought a lot of emotions up. I’m just saying, maybe give him a chance to explain.”

“Honestly,” Belly looked up at the ceiling and shook her head, “I wouldn’t even be functioning right now if I thought it was true. I just,” She let blew out a long breath, “I just reacted without thinking. And the look in his eyes last night… he was hurt.”

“I don’t think he’s slept, Belly. I woke up this morning and he was cleaning the kitchen.” Taylor scooted further into the bed so they were side-by-side, heads leaned against the headboard, “You guys will be okay. Just talk to him, hear his side of the story.”

Belly nodded, “I just don’t think I’m ready yet.”

“Well,” Taylor poked her in the side, “Get ready, because everyone is getting dressed to go to brunch right now. Remember, Conrad made us that reservation in town.”

“Right.” Belly sighed and covered her eyes, “I can’t just sit casually and sip mimosas right now. Everything is fucked.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to go,” Taylor said softly, “It’s just pancakes. I’ll tell them you’re too hungover and are sleeping in.”

“Are you sure?” Belly asked and Taylor nodded in response, “Don’t let him stay back. I just need some breathing space, I need to get my head right.”

“Do what you need to do,” Taylor kissed her cheek and got up from the bed, “Follow your gut. And just know that I will kill him if he was lying to you.”

Belly listened at her door as Taylor told everyone that Belly wouldn’t be joining them. “Is she okay?” She heard Conrad ask, a sense of frantic urgency to his voice. 

“She’s fine.” Taylor dropped her voice, “Just give her some space.”

She heard the two of them go back and forth, Taylor trying to convince him that she was just sleeping. When she heard footsteps at her door she ran back across the room and dove under the covers. He knocked lightly and then slowly opened the door. She kept her eyes shut and hoped that he'd believe she was asleep. The idea of talking this through with everyone waiting at the door to leave for brunch sounded like the worst idea. He brushed the hair from her forehead and then planted a kiss so soft she had almost thought that she imagined it onto her forehead. 

When the door shut behind him, she opened her eyes and blinked away the tears. 

She stayed in bed for a while after everyone had left, and then decided to get ready for the day before everyone returned. She got dressed in Conrad’s room and resisted the urge to snoop through his drawers and through the backpack that he went into Boston with. She was tempted, so much so that the tips of her fingers tingled at the thought of unzipping the bag and sorting through it. She didn’t want proof that he had lied, she wanted proof that she had been wrong. In her gut, she knew that she had been. Trust. She needed to learn to trust.

She was surprised to see Jeremiah sitting at the edge of the pool. She had thought she was the only one left at the house. While she wanted to avoid him and the conversations that would likely ensue, she took a deep breath and stepped out onto the back patio. 

“You weren’t up for brunch?”

“Hey Bells,” He said in response, not meeting her eyes. 

She nodded and sat down hesitantly a few feet from where he was. She let her feet dangle into the water, it was colder than normal. Someone must have adjusted the temperature. 

“You have to tell Sam what happened,” Belly said sternly, cutting straight to the chase. She was feeling so horrible for Samantha and couldn't stop thinking of how happy and optimistic she always seemed. 

“I already got this lecture from Con, Belly. You can save it.” The clip of his tone surprised her and made her chest boil in anger. While they had put the past behind them, it irritated her how dismissive he had been over his cheating. At the time, she had been so caught up in the shock and the hurt that she hadn't really had a chance to absorb it. With time and age, she had realized how horrible the entire situation really had been. He wasn't entirely to blame for the demise of their relationship, but he had also never really taken accountability either. 

“Well I would think that maybe it would mean more coming from me, you know.”

“Because I cheated on you? We don’t have to tip-toe around it. You’re right, okay. But that whole situation sucked for me too, not just you.” She inhaled and counted to three at his words, not wanting to react in a negative way or open up a debate. It was futile. 

“We don’t have to rehash all of that, Jere. We’ve done this a dozen times already and we’ve both moved on. I’m just saying that if you want to work things out with her, she needs to hear it from you. You need to be honest. With her and yourself.” 

“I got it, okay?” Jere finally looked at her, took in the state of her. She hadn’t even tried with make-up today, not yet at least. It didn’t seem possible to disguise the fact that she had cried harder last night than she had in years. “You and Conrad have some shit to work through too.”

“Yeah, we do.” She agreed.

“He didn’t cheat on you, Bells.” Jere said, his voice softening, “Not that my word means much, but that text that you saw was from our dad’s fiance.”

“Adam is engaged?” 

“Yep,” Jeremiah nodded, “And she’s a real estate agent, she helped Conrad find his new apartment.”

“Oh my god,” Belly groaned, her head in her hands. Having a clear, sober mind this morning had convinced her that she was probably wrong last night, now the confirmation was here. It was a mix of relief and guilt for having ever thought Conrad capable. “He must hate me.”

“The opposite, actually.” Jeremiah kicked his legs in the water, “Just talk to him.”

“I will,” She nodded, “And you talk to Sam.”

“Okay,” He smiled at her weakly then stood, “I’m going to head down to surf for a bit. Let Sam know where I am when they get back?”

“Sure,” She hesitated for a moment then called after him, “Jere?” 

He stopped and turned back toward her. With his eyes squinted in the sunlight, he almost looked like the little boy she had once known. “Yeah?”

“Don’t propose to her to erase your mistake,” They looked at each other for a long moment and then he nodded once and headed down toward the beach. 

 

---

 

Belly was still out by the pool when she heard everyone filing back into the house from brunch. For the first time since the start of the summer, she was nervous to see Conrad. It felt like her her heart had dropped into her stomach, and the combination of the adrenaline of nerves and sadness for how messy she had let things get once again was making her feel like she might throw up. 

“Good morning, Belly,” The girls called as they headed down toward the beach, Taylor made a face at her and nodded her head toward the house. 

“Meet you guys down there,” She called back. 

Steven and some of his friends emerged from the side of the house, surfboard under their arms. He stopped and looked toward Belly, a line of worry wrinkling across his forehead. “I’m good,” She waved over to him, “Just recovering from last night.”

“Are you sure?” He asked skeptically, “I can stay up here with you for a minute if you want.”

“No, go on. I’m going to change and I’ll meet you down there.”

“Okay,” 

It was time to face the music. Belly walked through the sliding glass door and there he was, dark circles under his eyes to match her own. He was leaning against the counter with a steamy mug of coffee cupped in his hands. 

“Hey,” He said softly and then turned toward the fridge and pulled out three styrofoam take out containers, “I brought you back some brunch. I wasn’t sure what you would want so, there’s a little of everything.”

“Thank you,” He set the containers down on the island between them, then let out a shaky breath and turned to walk out of the room. 

She watched him walk away, his mug of coffee still in his hands. The weight of the world on his shoulders. No. She couldn’t let this go on. She followed behind him, leaned in the archway and watched as he sat down in the big armchair in the corner of the family room. The one they used to all fight over as kids. They’d race into the room calling dibs on the big chair, shoving each other out of the way. Conrad was usually the first to the chair and he’d give his spot up to her almost every time. Steven and Jeremiah would whine about how unfair it was, but it never stopped him. 

“We should talk,” She said quietly from the doorway and he nodded slowly, his eyes trained on the fireplace. “I wasn’t fair to you last night.”

“I had no idea Jere was up there with that girl. I would never be okay with that.” He said sternly, “And I would never lie to you. I would never cheat. You know how I feel about that.” 

“I know, Jeremiah told me everything.” 

“Well I’m glad you’ll take his word.” He stood up and paced to the fireplace, leaning his hands against the mantle. 

“That’s not what I meant. Of course I take your word - above anyone’s, I just meant that he explained about Lydia.” Belly sat on the arm of the couch, “You’re mad.” 

It was a statement, not a question. He looked up at her, hurt flashing across his face. She kept getting it wrong. This had been the fear all along. That eventually Conrad would see her the way that she saw herself. That eventually he’d grow tired of her, restless. It had been a pattern, the self-sabotaging, the distrust, the finding reasons to leave. She wasn’t sure why she felt so unlovable, just that she did. 

She could make herself shiny on the outside, she could shimmer her light around the room and cast a warm glow. It was what was beneath the surface that made people leave. Conrad was seeing her now, she realized, the very worst parts of her. The parts that hadn’t even fully formed when he knew her last. She had been too young, too naive to the world back then. Now she knew the ugly and the hurt. Now it lived inside her. 

“I’m not mad, Belly,” He said, “I just don’t want you to shut me out. I feel like every time we take a step forward, we get yanked two steps back.”

“I’m sorry,” She took a deep breath, not wanting to cry again. Despite her best efforts, she felt her eyes rim with tears, “It’s scary. I’m not great at trusting. Please don’t take it personally, it’s everyone.”

“But I’m not everyone,” He walked across the room toward her, “I’m the guy who has been waiting almost a decade to have you back in his life. I’m the guy who–” He took a breath and reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet and handed her an old polaroid, “Belly I’ve carried this around for years. I kept it in a book on my shelf and on my worst days, this is what got me through.”

She held the polaroid between her thumb and index finger. It was tattered and worn, looking older than it really was. She could remember taking it at the party they had thrown when they almost the house, but she had never actually seen the photo before. How young they looked. She was smiling to the camera, his arm around her waist had felt so natural. He was looking at her as if she was the only person in the room, despite the party happening around them. How had she never noticed this before? She had let her own insecurities obscure what had been right in front of her. 

She looked up at him, his eyes studying her hard. This wasn’t easy for him either, she thought. Re-opening and then trying to patch back together old wounds. He was broken too, in his own ways. Everyone was. She saw his cracks and his faults, but they didn’t change anything. Maybe, it was possible that he saw hers too. 

He saw her when they were kids. He saw her when they first fell in love. He was seeing her now. 

She looked back down and ran a finger across their faces. If she could turn back the hands of time, she would reach through distance, pull him into her and never let go. She couldn't undo the past, though. She could only control the future. 

“You’re right.” She breathed, the air felt charged, “I can’t ignore the past anymore. I know you. You’re still the boy who gave me infinity.”

He sat down beside her, and brushed a stray hair behind her ear. “It can all coexist, Belly. The past, the present, and the future. All of it belongs to us.”

She nodded and leaned into him, “I’d like that.”

“I’ve only ever lied to you once. You know when that was. I promise I’ll never do that again. I will never hurt you.” He kissed the top of her head.

“I’m sorry I doubted you,” She pulled away to look in his eyes, “And for what I said about your dad and Jere. I was drunk, but that was awful. You are nothing like him.”

Conrad nodded and pulled her back to his side, “I know that I’m not. It’s forgiven, Belly. You were put in a bad position last night between the text and the whole thing with Jere, I’m sure that was–” He paused and thought for a second, “Jarring. I’m sure it brought things up. I get it. Just talk to me next time you feel that way.”

She nodded and then asked quietly, “We’re okay?”

“We’re more than okay,” He leaned down and kissed her, long and hard. “You’re the one who told me things wouldn’t be perfect, right? This was just a… growing pain. We’ll be bigger for it.”

He kissed her again and this time she smiled into it and climbed onto his lap. “I don’t ever want to sleep apart from you again.”

“Me either,” He said, trailing kisses down her neck. The fact still hung in the air between them that they were less than a month away from living four hours apart.

“We’re being really bad hosts, we should probably get down to the beach.”

“We should,” He said and wrapped his arms around her waist, “I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me.” 

“You aren’t getting rid of me that easy,” She kissed his cheek and then stood from his lap, offering her hand to pull him up with her. “I’m counting on that.” He said.

She reached to the end table where she had set down the polaroid, “I’m hanging onto this now. It’s getting framed.”

He grinned at her and nodded once before pulling her back in for a hug, “It’s yours, I don’t need it anymore.”

Notes:

Thank you all for continuing to read and for your kind comments and thoughts (seriously, I'm like a kid on Christmas morning every time I get an email notifying me of a comment -- it means so much to know you guys are enjoying reading along).

Some of you already found me, but did want to mention that I started an Instagram if you'd like to follow along or connect. I'll be updating there when a new chapter is posting and if you enjoy my writing, hopefully I'll be able to share future projects with you as well. It is: @redclovers.writes

I know this was a shorter chapter, it was one of the more difficult ones to write. The upcoming chapters will have a little more excitement - summer is ending and we have the big Staylor wedding <3... How will our maid of honor and best man cope with summer's end? Is someone going to finally break and drop that big L word (??!!) Let me know what you'd like to see - I have the next several chapters pretty well drafted, but am always open to suggestions.

Also a quick shoutout to the Better With Glasses podcast for all the love - I'm super excited to be chatting with them this coming week! If you haven't already, and are TSITP withdrawal (aren't we all?) go give them a listen!

Chapter 11: Chapter 11

Notes:

Starting this one off with a bit of a flashback...

Thank you for your patience, I was a bit slower than anticipated with this update. I'll leave my long, rambling note for the end :)

'Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close,
forever and ever?
Take me out, and take me home,
You're my, my, my, my
Lover"
-Lover, Taylor Swift

 

Conrad had known that Steven would be proposing to Taylor long before it had actually happened. The first time it was brought up, the two had been on a ski trip in Colorado. They were in the lodge having what both could admit was far too many drinks, when Steven had unlocked his phone and slid it across the bar to Conrad.

“What’s this?” Conrad squinted at the phone, his vision hazy and focus fading. He knew he was too drunk. He was past a point of control. He could feel the filter on his mind lift, soon his mouth would become a sieve and allow all of the anxious and wild thoughts to pour out of his mouth. Usually he was cautious with his words, and would work hard to construct his every thought and response. Especially with Steven, who was his best friend but also the brother to the girl that Conrad was hopelessly and endlessly in love with. The girl whose heart he had broken in spite of himself. The girl who chose his brother and then didn’t, but yet still hadn’t chosen him. The girl who he had confessed his love to and then walked away from again. Over and over. He had walked away so many times, never once really wanting to. 

“Connie?” Steven laughed, nudging the phone back in his direction, “You fucking old man, don’t fall asleep at the bar.”

“Sorry,” Conrad smirked, trying to act nonchalant, “What are you showing me this for, man?” He squinted his eyes again and tried to focus on the robin’s egg blue website flashing in front of his eyes. 

“I’m going to propose,” Steven reached back for his phone and gave the image of the ring an admiring look before sliding it back into his pocket, “I don't know when or how yet, but I picked out the ring.”

“Jesus,” Conrad looked at Steven seriously and blinked fast, trying to ground himself in the moment. He was willing any sober cell in his body to take control. All he could think of was Belly and of what could have been. What if he had just told her what he was feeling at her prom? Or that summer after Susannah died, what if he had been honest then? Why had he taken it back that morning at the motel? He couldn’t remember what the point of any of it had been, just how wrong it was. 

“Are you okay?” Steven asked. Conrad didn’t answer because he knew that Steven already knew the answer. He wouldn’t have asked otherwise. Conrad shook his head slowly and felt himself lose control. A sob escaped his chest and ricocheted down his body. He brought a shaking hand up to cover his eyes, embarrassed. It was a drunk cry. An uninhibited cry. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had cried at all, let alone like this. It was the kind of cry that feels cathartic as it happens, but painstakingly embarrassing the moment it passes.  

“I fucking love her, Steven.” He said with conviction, “Belly. I never stopped and I don’t think I can.”

“Hey, man,” Steven put a hand on Conrad’s shoulder and glanced around the bar. It was late and had mostly cleared out, no one around them was seeming to take notice of the young man crying over a long ago lost love. 

“I’m sorry,” Conrad wiped at his eyes, “I’m so fucked up right now and I just–” He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly with a shake of his head, “I’m happy for you, this is good news.”

“Yeah, it is.” Steven said quietly, “You’ll be my best man, right?”

“Fuck, of course I will.” Conrad said, still trying to shake off the tears that had just overcome him minutes ago. If he thought about it again, if he let the memories creep in he wouldn’t be able to stop the next time the emotions hit. 

“Good.” Steven nodded, “Are you alright, though? Cause if you want to talk about it we can.”

Conrad shook his head, “I don’t think I can.”

He was suppressing the thought that had sparked the sob in the first place. It was a familiar thought, one that had kept him up at night on more than one occasion. One that kept him running longer than normal some days. What if he had done just one thing differently? What if just one of the times he had walked away, he had stayed instead? Would he be the one picking out a ring? How completely different his life might have been. 

It was one thing to miss something you never had, it was something entirely different to miss something that had been within your reach. She had loved him. Not anymore, but at one point she had. Even on the beach, before her wedding when he had told her that he loved her – he had seen it then, the flicker of it as it sparked like fireworks across her eyes. She loved him, too. That was years ago. He had given her space, and she had taken it comfortably without ever making a move to reach across the distance to him. He didn’t think he could do it again. 

“It's between the two of you to figure out. If you ever want to.” Steven said, after they had closed out their tab. They were standing by the elevators, heading back to their rooms for the night. “But, just so you know, because I think you have a right to - she hasn’t exactly moved on, either.”

“I’m sure she’s better off without me, Steve.” Conrad said as they stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button for their floor.

“Maybe,” Steven shrugged, “But maybe someday you should call her and find out.”

“Yeah,” Conrad said sarcastically, watching the numbers tick up as the elevator climbed, “I really don’t think she wants to hear from me. And she already knows how I feel.”

“Are you sure about that?” Steven nudged him gently, “Take a fucking risk for once in your life.”

“I appreciate it, I do,” Conrad stumbled with the keycard, “But she’s done with me.” His door handle flashes green and he gave Steven a hard nod before stepping through the threshold and shutting the door behind him. 

The next morning Conrad had made a big show of saying how he had had too much to drink the night before and could barely remember anything. He didn’t want to talk about it again and really didn’t want to see that soft look in Steven’s eyes when he asked if he was sure he was doing okay. He was alright, wasn’t he always? That’s how he was meant to be. Alright. 

It was hard to talk about Belly with Steven, because he always circled back to urging Conrad to just do something. He couldn’t keep explaining it to him, not anymore. The guy who had a ring picked out for the girl he had always been in love with wasn’t going to be able to understand the guy who had shattered his own heart and never figured out how to put it back together. 

It was almost a full year later that Steven actually got the nerve to ask Taylor to marry him. Conrad kept asking if he had done it yet, the ring had been tucked carefully away in his desk drawer since the week after their ski trip. “The timing isn’t right, the moment has to be perfect.” Steven kept telling him. Conrad wondered if Taylor suspected anything, if so he was sure she was growing restless. 

Finally, he did it. After all that waiting and build up, Steven had just come out with the question one night as they got ready for bed. They had been at the sink brushing their teeth, he told Conrad, when he looked over at her and realized he couldn’t wait a second longer. “I just asked her without even thinking, it was like it burst out of me.”

“Congratulations, man.” Conrad said genuinely over the phone, “I’m really happy for you guys. This has been a long time coming.”

“Yeah,” Steven laughed, “You’ll still be my best man, right? We’re planning for the end of the summer.”

“Of course, you know I will.”

Steven hesitated for a moment and then said, “Taylor’s going to ask Belly to be her maid of honor.”

“Right,” Conrad‘s heart felt like it skipped a whole beat. This would be a change. They wouldn’t be able to avoid each other or remain in opposite corners of the room, at least not entirely. He’d have to walk down the aisle with her. No, he shook his head, he’d get to. “Of course, that’s good. I bet they’re excited, I think they’ve been planning that forever.”

Steven laughed, “You have no idea. She doesn’t know yet, we invited her over for dinner tonight to tell her and Taylors going to ask her then.”

“If she—“ Conrad sighed, unsure how to say the next part, “I mean, if she doesn’t want me as best man or has a problem with it’s okay with me, man. It’s your wedding, if you need to ask Jere or someone else. Just do what you need to do. You know I’ll be there for you either way.”

“No way, Connie.” Steven said, “You’re my best man. It’s been years, I think you guys can handle it. You’re good with it, right?”

“Yeah, of course. It’ll be fine.” Conrad hesitated and then asked the question he usually reserved for only Laurel, “How is she?”

“She’s good. She really likes this new job at the high school, Laurel told you about that right?” He waited for Conrad’s quiet yeah, “To answer your real question, she’s single.”

“That’s not what I was asking,” Conrad breathed out and looked down at his watch. He had about five minutes before he needed to head back up to the med-surg unit for rotations, “That’s good, though. That she’s good, I mean not the—“

“Yeah, right,” Steven snorted out a laugh, “I’m sure you have no reaction to the fact that Belly spends her weekends on my couch watching bad tv with Taylor and not with some guy who doesn’t get her.”

“I just want her to be happy,” 

“Are you happy?” Steven pressed and Conrad wasn’t really sure how to answer. He was content, for the most part. He didn’t know if he could say he was happy. 

“Listen, Steven, I have to get back to work. I’ll see her at the wedding and hopefully we can move past everything and be friends again. That’s all I’m hoping for.”

“You’ll have to talk to her sooner than that.” Steven said goadingly, “You have to plan my bachelor party, and we want to do a big joint one so…”

“Fuck,” Conrad ran a hand through his hair, “Fine. I’ll talk to you later.”

He didn’t have the kind of job that allowed him the luxury of not being present. He pushed aside his thoughts, shoved it all away into the overflowing box of Belly that lived in the back of his mind. It was so full now, after all these years, that it spilled over and was becoming harder to contain. A week later he had sent Belly the text message asking her if she wanted to meet up. It had all felt like the perfect excuse, finally he had a reason to cross the massive wall they had both built between them. 

---

If he had known back then, what he knew now as he sat next to her on the big couch in Cousins, would he have been as afraid? His hands had been shaking, actually shaking, when he sent her that first text message. 

After the party, everyone had left the house early Sunday afternoon. It was just the two of them again. It felt right to be alone with her. He had missed having the space to themselves, the comfortable bubble that they had created. That bubble was growing, though - expanding and expanding, getting more fragile. Conrad was afraid of what would happen when it popped. There were only two weeks of summer left. Next Friday they would pack up their cars and drive to Philadelphia for the wedding. Monday morning, Belly would go back to work and Conrad would go back to Boston. The bubble was thinning. It wouldn’t last much longer. 

If he could roll up the road that led out of Cousins he would. Let them be stuck there together forever, living in an infinite summer. He realized, sourly, that it would never be exactly like this again. Just the two of them, free from any real responsibility for an entire summer. He would be working every summer as far out as he could see. There would be weekends and holidays, and he could always accept a longer commute for the summer months but it wouldn’t be the same as this. 

As a kid he had resented John and his father for staying away, he thought they just didn’t understand. They didn’t love the house or see the magic the way their mothers had. That may be true, to an extent, but he also realized now that maybe it was because they didn’t ever have the chance to fall in love with Cousins the way the rest of them had. They didn’t have the luxury of summer. What Laurel and Susannah had given them was a gift, and he planned to pass it down to his own children like a treasured heirloom in any way possible. If that meant a longer commute in the summer, then so be it.

“You’re thinking so hard, you look like you’re about to start on fire or something.” Belly said, poking his leg with her foot. She had been nose deep in The Bell Jar on the other side of the couch.

Conrad shook his head and gave her a crooked smile, catching the arch of her foot with one of his hands. “Just thinking about this summer.”

“What about it?” She sat up and set her book on the wide arm rest. 

“Texting you that day might have been the best decision I ever made. In a…” He trailed off, mindlessly running his hand up her calf as he thought, “I don’t know, in a list of really horrible decisions I’ve made when it comes to you I feel like I’m finally starting to get it right.”

“Can I admit something to you?” She asked with a shy smile and he nodded emphatically, “When I saw a message from you flash across my screen it felt like the whole world stopped. When you wanted to see me…” His hand had stopped, he was captured by her words, “It felt too good to be true. I was so scared it meant something different for you that I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“Is that what happened the other night? You thought the other shoe had dropped?”

“Yeah,” She nodded, then tucked her legs beneath her and scooted over to this side of the couch, “I’m so sorry. I have a really bad habit of finding the problem before it can find me. Of—well, honestly, leaving before I can be left.”

“I’m so sorry, Belly,” He reached toward her and rolled a section of the front of her hair between his fingers, “If I could undo just one of the times I walked away maybe everything would have been different.”

“It’s not your fault, it was both of us.” She leaned into his side, “We need to keep talking, like this.”

“We do,” He wrapped an arm around her, “You can come to me about anything. All of this stuff about trust. If there’s anything that makes you doubt me, talk to me. Because you have to know that I would never do anything to hurt you. You’re it for me, Belly. You always have been.”

She looked up at him with her shiny, hopeful eyes. He wanted to hear the words so badly. He couldn’t even imagine how good it would feel when those words would one day wash over him. I love you. He was thinking it so hard, trying to push the words from his mind and into her own.

Sometimes what is known doesn’t yet need to be said. The words, nonetheless, burned at the back of his throat. He had wanted to say it to her all summer. I love you. I’m in love with you. I never stopped. I never could. I love you. Do you love me? 

“Thank you for sending that text.” She said quietly, “I don’t think I would have ever been brave enough."

He paused for a moment, the words were climbing up his throat and threatening to escape. She wasn't ready, that was clear. He swallowed hard. “Do you want to come to Boston with me tomorrow? I have to pick up the keys. I was going to wait until later in the week, but I want to get it out of the way. I want to show you the apartment, too."

"Okay," She nodded, "But then when we get back we aren't leaving Cousins until it's time for the wedding. I'm not ready yet."

"Deal."

 

---

Belly had shown Conrad her world in Philly, now it was her turn to get a glimpse inside his. He had let her control the playlist, although he did have a few requests as they drove from Cousins to Boston. Once they turned off the freeway, he began to point out landmarks to her. Not Boston landmarks, Conrad landmarks. They were her favorite kind.

“That’s where I went to preschool,” He said pointing toward a brick schoolhouse, “I fell off that little swing set in the back and broke my arm.”

“I didn’t know that,” She said, studying his arm. It was strange, in a way, because they had spent so much of their childhoods together at the beach house that it was easy to forget that it was only three months of the year. There were nine more months of mystery between them, still so much more to learn.

“Yeah,” He smiled and shook his head, “I don’t really remember it. The falling, at least. I remember having the cast.”

“Mmm,” She nodded, “I kind of remember this area. Your house was over there?”

“Yeah,” He nodded, “We aren’t too far from the old house. Sometimes I almost drive there on instinct.” 

“Do you ever miss it?” She asked.

“Honestly, no. Cousins always felt more like home. And I think it would be weird if Adam still lived there, especially with his…dating life.” Conrad shook his head, clearly annoyed to even think about his father's personal life. 

“Right, Lydia.” Belly's stomach turned with a deep feeling of guilt and embarrassment at the memory of her behavior at the party. She was still feeling like she needed to prove to him that she did trust him, while also still battling her own insecurities. It would never be perfect, but she was sure she would be able to find the balance with Conrad. 

“And the others before her,” Conrad said with a roll of his eyes and then quickly changed the subject, “That's the field where I played football.”

“I only ever saw you play once.” She looked at the field and imagined a young Conrad in his football jersey, his hair wet with sweat and brushing across his forehead. 

“When was that?” Conrad asked, glancing over at her. 

“I don’t know, maybe your sophmore year?” She squinted her eyes, trying to remember the details, “My parents were still married, but just barely. You were playing a team only an hour away from us so we drove over to watch. I guess I don’t even know if you knew we were there, we left right after the game.”

“Probably for the best,” He chuckled and reached across the middle console for one of her hands, “If I had known you were there, I probably would have tried to show off and made an ass out of myself.”

“Liar,” She squeezed his hand, “You didn’t see me that way back then. But, trust me I definitely had lip smackers layered on in case you saw me.”

He flashed her a small, crooked smirk and kissed the back of her hand. “I always wanted to impress you, even before I knew what it meant. Making you happy, seeing that smile…” He let out a sigh, “I lived for it.”

“You did?”

“I still do, Belly.” He said as he pulled to a stop and parked carefully between two cars. Once he had the car in park, he leaned over and kissed her softly. She smiled sweetly, somehow he was able to make her blush with just a kiss. As he pulled away and he trailed his fingers down the side of her face to the corner of her mouth, “Right there, that smile. It’s still the most beautiful.”

“I think I’ve probably grown new cheek muscles from smiling so much this summer,” She tried to pull her lips tight, but couldn’t stop smiling. It didn’t feel real, to be so happy. She was trying so hard to embrace it and stop waiting for something bad to happen. This was right and this was real. Conrad was real.

He kissed her softly once more and then unbuckled and motioned toward the double doors leading into the lobby of his new apartment building, “I’m going to go pick up the keys, I’ll be right back.”

A few minutes later he was back in the car with a folder of information about the building, a garage opener and set of keys. “The garage is right around this corner,” He said as he drove out from his parking spot, “I have two spots, so you’ll be able to park inside when you're here, too.”

“Okay,” She smiled, looking at the building. It was tall and sophisticated, the kind of place adults with their shit together lived. The kind of place she had hoped to one day move to and leave her cramped, dusty apartment behind.

Once they were parked inside, he opened the trunk. He had only brought two boxes with him from LA, they had been sitting in the garage in Cousins until this morning when he packed them into his trunk. They both grabbed a box, Conrad insisting Belly carry the lighter one, and made their way to the elevator. 

“What do you think?” Conrad asked eagerly as the elevator doors shut.

“I haven’t even seen your apartment yet,” She laughed, “But it seems like a nice building. I mean, an elevator is always a plus and a parking garage. It smells nice, too."

Conrad was about to respond when the elevator doors stopped on the next level of the parking garage and a young couple with a stroller and grocery bags stepped on.

“Moving in?” The man asked, eyeing their boxes and Conrad nodded.

“Yeah, we just picked up the keys.” He smiled and jingled the set of his keys in his hand under the box. 

“Welcome!” The woman smiled warmly at them, “We’ve been here about six months, you guys will love it here. There are a lot of other young couples.”

“It seems very nice,” Belly said politely, looking up at Conrad who seemed pleased that the couple had assumed they were both moving into the apartment. 

They waved polity to the couple when the elevator stopped at Conrad's floor. Belly couldn't stop herself from imagining them befriending the couple, inviting them over to Conrad's for game nights and dinner parties. On the other hand, she thought, for the time being they would only have their weekends together. She wasn't sure she would want to share even a minute of their time together with anyone else. 

“Here, just drop it there.” Conrad said when he had unlocked the apartment door, “Do you like it?”

“I do,” She smiled, setting the box near the door and walking further into the living room. She went right toward the window and looked down at the park, “The view is great. And so much sunlight, you’ll have to get plants.”

“You’ll have to come to help water them, I’ll forget.” He said, joining her by the window.

“I don’t think you’d forget,” She said and he looked at her confused, “About the plants. You’re very responsible.”

“Well,” He smirked, “I just like to have reasons for you to be here.”

“Mmm,” She bumped his side playfully, “So you would just want me here to water your plants?”

He placed one of his hands on the side of her face and then trailed his fingers down her neck and across her collar bone. “No,” He said, looking at her mouth.

“Well,” She turned her body so that she was fully facing him and leaned closer, until their lips were only inches apart, “What else would we do when I visit?”

“When you visit?” He teased, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close until their bodies were pressed together, “You’re not a visitor in my home, Belly. This is yours.”

“Mine?” Her voice was barely a whisper. He said that she had an effect on him, but he didn't realize what he could do to her. She was jelly in his arms from just one look, the drop in his voice. The possessive way he claimed them for each other. Mine. She liked the way that felt in her mouth.

“Yours.” He nodded and she felt a rush between her legs. 

“Are we still talking about the apartment?” She ran her hands up his arms and across his shoulders. 

“I think we’re talking about everything.” His hands dropped to the top of her thighs and he lifted her up, her legs wrapped around his waist. He kissed her in the way that made her head spin the rest of the world disappear, it was like falling down a rabbit hole and landing in a universe where it was nothing but the two of them. She ran her tongue across his bottom lip and he hugged her to his body tighter.

They were still entangled in each other as he walked across the apartment to the kitchen and s et her lightly down on the cold marble counter top. “Is that what you want?” He asked, lifting her shirt over her head.

“Yes,” She breathed and lifted her hips to pull her jeans and underwear down to her ankles, Conrad slipped them over her feet and threw them across the room. She reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head, “Perfect,”

When she looked up, he was watching her with a grin. As if he was taking in the image of her, completely bare on the edge of his new kitchen counters. She could have laughed, except he was looking at her with so much affection. It was enough heat to melt her, she felt herself flush-hot and wet. 

Without breaking eye contact, she reached for the button on the front of his pants. He let her work his pants down his hips and then stepped back, raking his eyes over her. From her bare feet swinging off the counter all the way to her shy smile. She didn’t hide from him, not anymore. She leaned back on her elbows and spread her legs slightly, she felt so comfortable with him. Her stomach flip in the most thrilling way. 

He knelt in front of her, just as he had on the Fourth of July, and put his mouth over her. She wanted to tease him for having a thing about her on kitchen counters, but she was quickly distracted. His tongue worked slowly, he was taking his time with every inch of her. A small whimper escaped her lips and she dropped her head back, leaning it against the cabinet while her hands firmly gripped the edge of the countertop. It was all too much, but yet somehow not enough. She wanted it to last forever. When he increased his pace and moaned into her, she moved her right hand into his hair. Always so soft.

Her thighs pressed around his head, pulling him closer and not wanting to ever let him go. It was hard to even look down at him without losing complete control. His eyes stayed on her, watching her. She wondered how someone could be so sensual and tender at the same time.

“Conrad,” She gasped and he pulled away, rose to his feet and picked her back up into his arms.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Belly,” He whispered into her neck as he carried her across the apartment and into the bedroom that she hadn’t yet seen. He laid her down carefully on the soft carpet and then joined her, hovering just above her. “What do you want?”

“You,” She felt needy for him, but not in a way that made her feel desperate. It was as if her body was pulling him into her orbit like a magnet. She needed to feel him close. 

He dropped down onto his elbows and kissed her neck, licking at her collarbone and positioning himself at her entrance. “I swear, next time you’re here there will be a bed for this.” He joked. She smiled and pulled his face down to hers for a kiss. 

It always took her breath away, the feeling of him entering her. She felt so full, in a way that she didn’t think she could ever explain or put words to. When he reached between them and ran a thumb over her most sensitive part she felt a familiar feeling wash through her. From the deepest pit of her stomach, to the tips of her toes and the back of her throat. He moved over her faster and harder until he found his own release. It was all so consuming, she felt dizzy with longing for him even as he was still inside her. 

“Does it keep getting better, or is that just me?” She asked, breathing heavily into his side as they lay together in the middle of his empty, unfurnished bedroom.

“It does,” He said through a smile, kissing the crown of her head.

“I guess you can consider your apartment officially christened.” She squeezed his side and rested her head on his chest, right above his heart. 

“Belly, I really meant it when I said I want this to feel like yours, too. I hope when or if you’re ever ready you’d," He stopped for a second and let out a breath, he was nervous she realized, "maybe consider moving here.”

She was quiet, unmoving on his chest. He sat up slightly so that he could see her face. “Would you ever want that?”

“To live with you?” She asked, sitting up now, “Of course. I already feel like we do, this summer at least. I just… I have my job and my apartment…”

“Right,” He nodded and stood to retrieve their clothes from the kitchen, “I’m not saying right now,” He walked back into the bedroom with their clothes in his hands, “But, eventually?”

“Of course,” She said, “I’ve thought about it, too. I want to be with you every day. I just – it’ll take some time. Maybe after this school year?”

His face fell and he handed her clothes down where she was still sitting, “So not until next year?”

“There’s a lot to be figured out,” She pulled her shirt over her head and then rose to her feet, grabbed his hand, “But you know I want this. I want you. We’ll be under one roof again eventually.”

“I know,” He smiled and kissed the side of her head, “Let’s go grab some lunch and then we can get back on the road. I want to soak up as much time as we have left at the house before summer ends.”

“Okay,” She ran her hand up her arm, “You’re okay with everything?”

“Of course,” He nodded once, “You still get a closet, though. No arguing. And I want to see you here any weekend you can manage. I’ll come to you whenever possible, too. Deal?”

“Absolutely.” She leaned forward to seal it with a kiss. 

Notes:

I'm sorry for the delay with getting this chapter up - it had a mind of it's own and I'm traveling so it has been a little bit chaotic.

Next chapter will pick up with their last two weeks in Cousins. And yes - I promise a few chapters from now we will be seeing that dress again!

THANK YOU - to all of you for reading along with me and for all the kindest comments and messages. I have really been enjoying connecting with all of you over on instagram. If you haven't already done so - you can follow me @redclovers.writes

I also had so much fun on the Better With Glasses podcast - if you don't already, I highly recommend following along and giving them a listen! They have a lot of fun things coming up - including book club!

I'm traveling at the moment, so updates might be a little slower - trying to soak up as much time with my family as possible. However, I do plan on sharing some sneak peeks on IG!

As always, comments and feedback are appreciated :)

Chapter 12: Chapter 12

Notes:

Chapter 12 - sorry this one took so long.

We get a bit of a Belly flashback to start off the chapter and end it with the last (is it also the first technically?) date of the summer.

Enjoy :)

Note at end.

'Actually
I always felt I must look better in the rear view
Missing me
At the golden gates they once held the keys to
When I dropped my sword
I threw it in the bushes and knocked on your door
And we live in peace
But if someone comes at us
This time, I'm ready'
-Long Story Short, Taylor Swift

 

Belly’s feet were dug deep into the sand as she sat on the beach and reread the same page of Emma for the fourth time. There were two things distracting her - the first was the tug and familiar dread of summer’s end. They only had six days left before they’d pack up and drive away. This magical summer was coming to an end. She had felt this way every summer growing up, the ache of leaving and saying goodbye. This year was different though. The relationship she and Conrad had started to build this summer felt real and grown up. It felt bigger than her, bigger than him – long coming and everlasting, if only she would let it. She needed to make the magic last through the rest of the year. She wanted him more than just this summer, she wanted him all year, every year. 

The second thing distracting her, the more present thing, was Conrad running shirtless down the beach toward her. She brought her book and mug of coffee down to the beach after he left for his morning run. She had been watching for him to appear down the beach, running back toward home. He had always been perfect to her. She couldn’t remember a time in her life that a single look or smile from Conrad didn’t make her heart rate increase and stomach somersault. The attraction had only been made stronger through the time and the distance. It felt impossible for her feelings to have grown, yet somehow they had. Deeper and deeper, until now she couldn’t even fathom a life without him. 

While what they had felt real, and she knew that it was, it also felt so new and fragile. It wasn’t that their bond or their feelings were weak, it was that her fear was making her tread carefully. She could not let things get messy this time. She needed to be safe and slow and make sure that things were done right. It was a practice of restraint, not to throw her arms around his neck and confess how deep and strong her feelings were. 

Throughout the years, she had replayed his confession of love on the beach hundreds, maybe even thousands, of times over. It was hard not to play the game of what-if. What if she had grabbed his hand that day, told him that it had always been him and always would be? What if she had called him, or wrote him, or gotten in her car and driven across the country to tell him she felt the same way? The thought had crossed her mind on more than one occasion. 

The first guy she had gone out with after Jeremiah was Beau Husley. They had a sociology class together, he had sat next to her in the lecture hall that first week of Fall semester. Her heart had felt like an open wound that everyone could see, she was sure she was bleeding through her shirt. The embarrassment of a failed engagement, a wedding called off at the last minute was so thick that she wasn’t sure anyone around her would ever take her seriously again. 

Add to that the fact that Jeremiah wasn’t speaking to her and Conrad had fled the scene. Her forehead still burned from the kiss he had planted there before leaving that morning. She wondered when and how he had learned that the wedding hadn’t happened. Her mother, Steven, Adam, or Jeremiah himself. Who had told him? How had he reacted? No one told her and she was too afraid to ask. Was he turning around and coming back for her now?

The shame and the hurt and the guilt weighed her down. She was shackled to it and unable to move. Conrad would be better without her, deserved better than her. He had let her go that morning, and she had tried to let him go, too. Years ago and every day after. Over and over she tried to undo the binds that tied her to him. She didn’t think she would ever move on, but knew she needed to allow him the space to do so. She had only ever hurt him and it was time to let him go. 

All of this is to say, when Beau flashed his chocolate brown eyes at her a month into the semester and asked if she wanted to study together, she quickly nodded her head yes. She needed distraction. When he suggested that they meet at the library, she tried to hide her disappointment and agreed to him the next evening after class. Studying wasn’t what she was really after, she wanted to close her eyes and feel something. Anything. Her self restraint was growing thin and if she didn’t find a way to move past the heavy feelings she was sure she would call Conrad. She would call and yell or cry or ask him to get on the next flight and meet her at the house. He would. She knew he would. 

“What’s your major?” Beau asked her as they worked their way through the study guide their TA had emailed out earlier that week. 

“Oh,” She hated this question, “Education. But, I’m thinking about switching. I’m not really sure yet.”

He nodded and pushed his textbook back across the table, as if he was done with it. “I get that. It’s like they want us to have it all figured out but we’re barely even real adults yet. How am I supposed to know what I want for the rest of my life?”

“Yeah,” She couldn’t help but chuckle to herself. It was refreshing to spend time with someone outside of her usual social circle. She was tired of being around people who knew too much about her, who had been there or in proximity the day that her wedding had been called off. People pitied her, but more than that they looked at her with this ‘I knew it’ look mixed with a tinge of relief behind their eyes. It drove her crazy. 

“I’m pre-law, by the way.” His eyes flashed as if he was proud of himself and thought she should be too, “But only because everyone in my family is a lawyer. It was kind of decided for me, I guess.”

“But you’re not sure about it?”

“Like I said, who could be at our age?” He pulled the textbook back toward himself and closed it, “Are you hungry?”

They kept studying together after that, which included small talk over their opened but rarely read textbooks until one of them declared they were hungry. They’d walk across campus to the dining hall at first. Beau had a car, so after a few weeks he started driving them downtown and they’d have pizza at a little parlor that was frequented by students - there was a BOGO deal on Thursday nights. 

Beau didn’t know her and he didn’t ask any deep questions. Aside from the fact that his family was local and all lawyers, she didn’t know anything about him either. That was what she liked about him, that he didn’t know her and while he was nice enough, he didn’t seem interested in getting to know her either. 

“I was wondering…” Belly started before turning away with a blush as they walked across campus one evening, “If you were ever going to kiss me.”

“Oh,” He stopped walking, “I wasn’t sure that you wanted me too.”

She wasn’t sure that she did either, she just knew that she wanted to know how it would feel to be kissed by someone new. Maybe she wanted more than that, too. She wanted to melt into somebody, to just feel something physically and not emotionally. The toll of the last few years was too much, too heavy. She needed change. 

It was starting to feel silly, the waiting. She had lost her virginity at 16 and then kept chaste for three years. For what? She didn’t know why, she had no answer for Jeremiah when he asked why she wasn’t ready. She would never admit it to Jeremiah, maybe not even fully to herself either, but the truth was that any time they had even come close - and she had come close with him - a tug at her heart stopped her. It felt like she was cheating on Conrad, betraying him somehow even though they weren’t together. Even though he didn’t want her. Jeremiah did, and yet she still couldn’t allow herself to be with him fully. Once they were married, she had figured, then it would feel right. 

Their relationship had ended, though so that time never came. She felt like a virgin in a lot of ways, she was inexperienced and unsure of herself. She wasn’t yet comfortable with her body or what she wanted. It had been good with Conrad, almost too good, even despite her uncertainty and self consciousness. That was because he knew her and he had loved her. How would it be now, with someone different?

She didn’t want to wait to find out anymore. She didn’t want to keep this candle burning for Conrad any longer. She needed to put it out. 

“I do,” She said, stepping closer to Beau. He closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to hers, it was a cold and wet kiss with the late fall breeze biting against their faces. It wasn’t great, but if she closed her eyes and focused only on the feel of his lips moving over her own then maybe she could allow herself to forget everything and everyone else. 

The next week after class she invited him to come over to her apartment and watch a movie. They sat with their arms brushing on the hand-me-down scratchy, brown couch from Taylor’s aunt and she asked what he wanted to watch. He scrolled through her Netflix account and settled on 90’s comedy that she had never seen before. 

Ten minutes into the movie, he scooted even closer into her body and placed a hand on her thigh. She swallowed and without really thinking, turned his face to her own and kissed him. She straddled him and pulled her shirt over her head, hoping that she seemed like she knew what she was doing. 

When they tumbled into her room and fell onto her bed, a mess of two half dressed bodies rushing over on another she couldn’t stop herself from thinking of her first time with Conrad. She thought of it often. The veins that ran up his forearm, the way his eyebrows had knit together as if he was concentrating hard as he entered her. His breath hot on her neck, the softness of his kisses across her collarbone. He had been slow and tentative, making sure that she felt good. His hands had been shaking as they moved over her, arms trembling as he held himself up above her - restraint, she had realized. He had been holding back for her sake. 

She pulled her underwear to her ankles and kicked them over her feet, keeping her eyes closed as Beau moved above her. She was recalling Conrad’s hands over her breasts, his fingers calloused from sailing scraping in the most pleasant way as they ran down her sides, fingers turning over her gently. “Do you feel good?” He had asked her and she could barely nod, because she had never felt better.

Beau didn’t ask what felt good, neither did she. Their bodies moved together, out of sync. Clumsy. She winced when he entered her, and tried to hide her discomfort. It had been over three years. This is what she wanted, to move on and have experiences with new people. She should have lots of lovers, that’s what Laurel and Susannah would say. 

Afterwards, Beau had laid next to her with his arm around her shoulders breathing heavily. She wanted to ask him to leave, but wasn’t quite sure how to say it. When she noticed him drifting to sleep, she nudged him softly in the ribs and kissed his cheek. “Sorry, it’s just my roommate will be home soon so you should go.”

“Are you dating your roommate or something?” He joked as he sat up and pulled his shirt back over his head. 

“No, it’s just…” She pulled the sheet up to her shoulders, feeling exposed despite her bra having remained on the entire time, “I’m a private person.”

Taylor knew she has spending time with Beau, but Belly hadn’t wanted to discuss it further. She had been fielding Taylor’s questions and worried looks for months now. Taylor, whose advise in the past had been to get under a new guy to get over the old one - had gone soft on her the past few years. Belly knew this was a side effect of her relationship with Steven. She was happy for them, she really was, but a part of her wished that she and Taylor were single together. That they could both be as lost and confused as she was, then maybe she wouldn’t feel so alone. 

“No worries,” Beau said, although his tone indicated that he was a little stung by her rushing him out the door. “I’ll see you in class.”

As soon as the door shut behind him, she reached for her phone and pulled up Conrad’s contact. Sleeping with Beau hadn’t had the effect that she had hoped for. In fact, it had only made her want Conrad more. She was creating crazy scenarios in her head, her mind reeling. Maybe if she saw him over Christmas break, maybe if they just slept together one last time then they could have closure. Her finger hovered above the call button, she was about to press it when she heard Taylor’s keys in the door.

“Taylor,” She called out, and then threw her phone on the nightstand. She wrapped her old terrycloth robe around her body and walked out to the living room. “I’m a mess.”

“Babe,” Taylor took in her disheveled hair, state of undress and smeared mascara and gave her a knowing look, “What happened?”

After she had explained everything - why she had wanted to sleep with Beau, and how it had backfired the two friends sat in silence. Belly could tell that Taylor was rolling it all over in her mind. 

“I can’t call him, right?” Belly sat on the edge of the couch, she had been pacing across the living room as she retold the events to Taylor. 

“I mean, he just left here like less than an hour ago. Maybe give it a little bit of time.” Taylor reached into her bag and pulled out a water bottle, handed to Belly. She was eyeing her like she was a wounded, wild animal that she wasn’t sure about.

“Not Beau,” Belly clarified after taking a long drink, “Conrad.”

“Belly,” Taylor eyes shot up in surprise and she shook her head quickly, “You just had sex with some guy you’ve been getting pizza with all semester and your first thought is to call Conrad?”

Hearing Taylor say the words out loud made her realize how irrational it all was. Of course she couldn’t call Conrad, of course she couldn’t hook up with him. She couldn’t even see him again, not yet at least. 

She kept seeing Beau until winter break, when he broke things off. She felt indifferent and she was okay with that. She didn’t think her heart could ever break again, at least not for anyone other than Conrad Fisher. 

When she saw the flier for the study abroad program late that semester, she knew instantly that it was what she needed to do. She had to get away, far away. If there was ever any hope of starting fresh and moving on, she needed to be someplace new. 

 

---

 

“I thought you’d still be sleeping,” Conrad smiled at her, his breath heavy as he slowed his pace and walked the remaining distance to where she was sitting in the sand. 

“I heard there was a nice view down here in the mornings.” She smiled up at him, cupping her right hand over her eyes to shield the sun. 

“Oh yeah,” He laughed and held his hand out to help her up, “Well I hope it met your expectations.”

“Definitely,” She smiled as he pulled her up, unabashedly letting her eyes roam down his chest to his abs and the trail of hair leading into his shorts.

He was watching her, an amused grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. She squinted her eyes at him, not allowing herself to feel embarrassed. She was working to let all of her walls down with Conrad and trust that he cared for her as deeply as she cared for him. That they both wanted this. 

“How about a morning swim?” He asked, tugging at the hem of her shirt.

“I don’t have my suit…” She looked back toward the house, but before she could continue he had swept her off her feet and into his arms, “Conrad!”

“When has not having a suit ever stopped you, Belly?” He laughed and carried her toward the water, she wrapped her arms around his neck and held tight.

“Don’t you dare,” She laughed, “My shoes!”

He kept one hand under her and with the other pulled her sandals off one at a time and threw them to the sand, kicking his running shoes off beside them. “Ready?”

“Only if you’re coming in with me, don’t you dare just belly flop me!” 

“I’m coming with you,” He said into her hair. 

“Fine,” She clung to him and nodded toward the water, “Then let’s go, I’ll go wherever you go.”

He smiled, kissed her neck and walked them into the water, dropping her to his side once they were knee deep. They locked hands and waded the rest of the way out, diving under a wave together and letting the salt water crash against their bodies. It was baptismall, she thought. Cleansing. The water and them and their hope for the future. 

She squeezed his hand under water as they made their way back toward shore. “You and me.” Her smile widened as she saw the warmth in his eyes, and he squeezed her hand three times and then repeated back, “You and me.”

 

---

 

The next day, Conrad had a list of end of summer chores he wanted to get done around the house. Most of them involved winterizing and getting the house ready to sit empty for months. She had offered to help with what she could, but he insisted he had it all under control and that he would get most of it done while she worked in the morning. With school starting up again soon, Belly’s inbox seemed to be growing each hour and she had a list of tasks that needed to be finished before she returned to the school after the wedding. 

After returning her last urgent email and putting out several small schedule related fires, she decided to head outside and see what she could help Conrad with. She had meant it when she offered to help with whatever she could earlier that summer. The house meant everything to her, and she still felt silly for not realizing the amount of work that went into maintaining it. 

Belly was surprised to find Conrad at the side of the house, his back was to her but he seemed to be struggling to place mesh fencing around her peach tree.

“What’s all this?” She asked, a smile creeping to her lips. 

“Oh,” He chuckled back, and turned to face her, “Getting your tree ready for winter. It’s still fragile, just want to make sure nothing comes through the yard and eats it this winter.

“Are there many peach tree eating creatures out here?” She came to his side and held up the side of the fencing for him while he secured it into place.

“You never know,” He shrugged, “I was just picturing coming back here next summer to a dead tree and I…”

She started to laugh, and then stopped herself when she saw how serious he looked.

“I just want to take care of this, you know.” He smiled at the small leaves, “Make sure you get your peaches.”

“Thank you,” She nudged his shoulder, “I didn’t realize the gift also came with the farmer, so that’s an added perk.”

“Well,” He stepped away, having secured the last of the mesh fencing into place, “I’m definitely no farmer, but I’ll figure this whole tree thing out at least.”

“It’s perfect,” She dusted her hands on her pants and then reached out to squeeze his forearm, “Seriously - peaches or not, this is all perfect.”

“There will be peaches, Belly.” He said and leaned forward, planting a firm kiss to her forehead, “We just have to be patient.”

She smiled to herself, unsure of what they were even really talking about anymore. Certainly not peaches or trees. 

“Well, I’ve finished my work for the day. What else do we have left to do around here, and don’t you dare say nothing. I want to help.”

“I am going to clean out the gutters,” He put an arm around her shoulders as they walked back around the house, “If you want to start stripping all of the beds and making sure all of the other rooms are ready for when we leave.” 

“I’m on it,”

“I was thinking we’d go out for dinner tonight?” He asked as she walked back toward the house, “Somewhere nice.”

“Are you asking me on a date?” She teased.

“Yes,” He smiled.

“Count me in,” She beamed and then turned back toward the house to get to work on the rooms.

 

---

 

“Where are we going?” Belly asked skeptically, eyeing the marina.

“You’ll see,” He winked over at her and pulled into the first open parking space. She stepped out of the car and followed him around toward the trunk.

“Do you have a boat?” He shook his head in response and grabbed a small, insulated cooler bag from the trunk.

“No, Adam sold the old sail boat like five years ago.” He shook his head and slung the cooler bag over his shoulder, “But, I know people.”

“People?” She chuckled, “I would’ve grabbed a sweatshirt if I’d known we were going to be on the water.”

Without even looking up, he reached further into the trunk and grabbed two hoodies. “You’re really underestimating me tonight. I’ve got you covered.”

“I should have known,” On instinct she brought the sweatshirt to her nose and inhaled - distinctly Conrad. “I’m going to need at least five of these to get me through the days we’re apart, just so you know.”

“What do I get?” He asked, eyes darkening in a way only she recognized. 

“Whatever you want,” She said coyly, following beside him as they made their way down the dock.

He stopped in front of a cabin cruiser, pearl white and bobbing in the water. “This is ours, for the night. It may have been a stretch when I said somewhere nice, but,” He let out a breath and grinned toward the water, “It’s all relative, I suppose.”

“Conrad,” She put a hand on his shoulder and then dropped her hand into his own, “Are you kidding? This is nicer than any restaurant.” 

“I thought you would think so.”

“And…” She stood on her tip toes and softly kissed the side of his neck, “Much more privacy.”

Belly kept discovering new versions of Conrad. it didn’t seem reasonable that he could be so attractive doing just about anything. Mowing the lawn, clearing the gutters, putting the dishes away - all things that she discovered she found sexy this summer. It wasn’t surprising that she was turned on watching Conrad drive this borrowed boat, but she was mesmerized nonetheless. She realized she should be enjoying the view of the ocean, the sun casting a magic hour, orange glow across the surface - but her eyes kept finding their way back to him. The way his hair blew across his forehead, the wind blowing his shirt slick to his body and causing it to ride up, exposing his summer tanned stomach. He glanced over at her and grinned. 

“Whose boat is this anyway?” She asked, having to half shout over the sound of the motor and wind whipping past them.

“Cleveland’s,” Conrad answered back with a nod “He got really into deep sea fishing a few summers back.”

“Ah,” Belly laughed and shook her head, “That checks out.”

“I should’ve asked to borrow it sooner. I don’t think he’s been out here all year.” Conrad cut the engine and they bobbed against the waves, “Hungry?” He swiveled the captain’s chair toward her and she nodded, suppressing a smile at how boy-like he looked with his disheveled hair. She realized her hair was likely just as messy, probably worse off and her mascara was definitely smudged - the wind always made her eyes water.

Conrad smiled and shook his head as she wiped below her eyes, “What?” She asked back, nudging his foot with her own as he retrieved the cooler bag from under the dash. 

“You’re just so…” He trailed off, looking back toward the shore and then back with her with his warm liquid eyes, “You.”

“That’s accurate, I’m definitely me.” If she counted the smiles and the laughs that he had given her this summer, she was sure that they would outweigh any from their time apart. This was happiness.

He reached into the cooler and pulled out a chilled bottle of white wine and handed her two plastic cups, “It’s a good thing,” He said, pulling the foil wrap off the top of the bottle and then began twisting the corkscrew in, “You’re my favorite person, ever.”

She pressed her lips together and tried to suppress the smile that she was sure was eating her entire face, “You’re mine, too. You always have been.”

“I don’t know about always,” He chuckled under his breath and pulled the cork out with a pop, “But, I’m happy to be now–”

“No, Conrad.” She held the cups out as he filled them, “Always. I’m being serious.”

He cleared his throat and reached back into the bag, pulled out two sandwiches and handed her one - accepting his plastic cup in exchange. “Sorry, I didn’t really consider that we wouldn’t have a table or…” He looked around the boat, “We can head down into the cabin if you want, but I was thinking we’d watch the sunset.”

“Conrad,” She set her wine down gently in the cupholder beside her seat and leaned over toward him, taking his hand in her own, “Do you really not know that you’ve always been my favorite person?”

“Belly–” He squeezed her hand and looked out toward the water, “A lot happened back then. You don’t need to pretend, I’m good with it. I’m good with how it all turned out.”

“You were always my favorite person. I thought you were so cool when we were kids. We all wanted to be your favorite, me for other reasons that Steven and Jere. That never once changed. Not even when I tried to hide it or change it, or move on.” She couldn’t believe she hadn’t actually uttered these words aloud to him before. It had seemed so obvious. 

“Even when we were apart? Even when…” He couldn’t finish the question, but she knew it nonetheless. 

“Yes,” She nodded, “Even then. You were still the person I wanted to call when something happened. Good or bad. I don’t think I even realized why until that summer, when I was here planning my wedding.”

“So you still thought of me?” He asked, his eyebrows raised and the corners of his mouth downward as if he wasn’t sure, “Throughout the years, you still thought of me?”

“More often than not, Conrad.” She whispered, “Especially after…after that summer.”

He nodded and she waited to see if he was going to say more, ask more. She wasn’t sure how much he wanted to know, so she decided on everything.

“I think everyone thought I was sad about Jeremiah,” She swallowed and looked at the waves over his shoulder, “Of course I was, just not in the ways they thought. I just kept…”

“Kept what?” He urged, drawing her gaze back to his face. His eyes were red-rimmed.

“Kept replaying you in my room that morning. How final that goodbye seemed. How-–fuck, Conrad, I’ve never said this out loud before.” She let out a shaky breath, “How you kissing my forehead made me feel more…loved, than anything else in my entire life.”

“I didn’t want to leave,” He said finally, “I just thought it was what you needed.”

“I know.” She nodded, “I thought it was, too. And then I thought that letting you leave was what you needed.”

“I kept hoping that you’d call,” He admitted.

“I almost did,” She breathed out and reached for his hand again, “So many times. But it always felt selfish.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He ran his free hand down the side of his face and then pulled her toward him, pulling her onto his lap. She leaned into him and he wrapped both arms around her, hugging her tight to his chest. “We wasted a lot of time. I’ll never do that again, I’ll never take this for granted.”

She ran her fingers down his face and around the sharp edge of his jawline, until her fingertips found the corner of his mouth. “You’re everything all at once, Con.”

She kissed him sweetly, her mouth soft against the pillows of his lips. He ran his fingers through her hair, then pulled her back in and kissed her back, firmer than she had been and so deep. It felt unending, he clutched her body to his as if he was trying to mesh them into one. As if he was making up for all of the times they had missed each other. All of the times that he had waited for her to call, that he had asked Laurel about her, that he had watched her across the room on the Fourth of July but said nothing at all. 

When he pulled away, he kissed below her ear and then whispered, “I’ll never let go this time. I promise.”

She squeezed her arms around his neck, “Me either.”

 

---

 

“How did this date rank?” Conrad asked, teasingly as they made their way back toward the marina. He was taking it slow, just barely drifting them through the water. Their mood had lightened for the rest of the night, they had sipped their wine and ate their dinner while watching the sunset over the water. 

“9/10,” Belly turned in her seat to face him, she had his old Red Sox hoodie on over her yellow sundress. 

“Not bad,” He laughed and reached across the console to jokingly nudge her, “Dare I ask what would have made it a 10/10?”

“There’s still hope, the night isn’t over,” She crossed her legs and gave him a flirty look - or at least she hoped it was a flirty look, “I just never got the full boat tour. I’ve never been in the cabin of a boat like this before.”

“Oh yeah,” He smiled knowingly and cut the engine, “How rude of me.”

He raised his eyebrows and stood, holding his hand out for her. 

“I thought you’d never ask.” She joked, as he led her down the short staircase into the bottom cabin of the boat. It was a small narrow room, a bench with vinyl cushions wrapped around the length of it. “I was expecting a bed,” She let out a laugh.

“Just a bench, and Cleveland’s gently used fishing gear.” Conrad motioned to the tackle box and fishing poles stacked in the corner closest to them, “Sorry, not exactly romantic.”

“I don’t care,” She pulled him to her, grabbed his wrists and planted his hands on the edge of her hips. “I’ve wanted you all night.”

He dropped his head to her shoulder and she felt him let out a hot breath before he began to trail kisses up her neck, “You have such an effect on me,” 

She reached between them and felt the outline of him through his pants. When she felt him pulsate and grow harder, it was as if an electric jolt shot from her hand and between her legs. “I want you right now,” She breathed and dropped to her knees in front of him. 

“Fuck,” He was incoherent once she had him in her mouth, working over him slowly. She felt one of his hands on top of her head, gently brushing her hair out of her eyes. When she glanced up at him, he was watching her - his eyes half-lidded like he was drunk. Drunk on her, she thought and moaned softly. It turned her on, knowing how badly he wanted her. Abruptly, he pulled away and placed his hands around her arms, picking her up to her feet. 

She stepped backwards until her calves met the bench and then she motioned for Conrad to sit. He watched her, still transfixed by her every move, as she slid her underwear down her legs and over her ankles. She pulled her dress up and slid onto his lap, “Hi,” She smiled and then kissed him again.

A groan escaped the back of his throat when he reached between them to touch her and felt how ready she already was for him. “I told you,” She said between kisses, “I’ve wanted you all night.”

She gripped him gently with her right hand and stroked downward before hovering just above him and then gliding down. When her hips thrust against him, his head fell forward against her shoulder and he bit down gently before kissing his way back up her neck. 

It was always too much and not enough at the same time when they were together. There was no chasing or second guessing, they moved in sync. He always knew what she wanted, how to make her feel good in ways that she hadn’t before thought possible. It wasn’t that she had a history of bad sex, it was just that things with Conrad were different. She craved feeling close to him as much as she did the release, maybe even more. 

“Take this off,” He slowed her down and tugged at the bottom of her dress. Without question, she obliged - wanting, needing to feel his bare skin against her own. She pulled his hoodie off first and then the dress. His hands reached behind her to the clasp of her bra and fumbled for a moment before she felt it unclasp and fall down her shoulders. 

She reached forward for his shirt and pulled it over his head for him, tossing it on top of her dress. His hands ran across her collarbone and then down her chest, gently squeezing. “You like that, don’t you?” He asked her rhetorically, as he circled one of her nipples with his finger and then pressed the pad of his thumb across it. She did and he knew it, just like he knew how much she liked it when he talked to her like this.

When he took her other nipple into his mouth and sucked gently in time with his thumb on the opposite side, she pushed her hips harder into his - he was impossibly deep - and grinded her hips against his pelvis over and over. Faster. He increased his own rhythm, thrusting up into her harder, his fingers moving in time with his hips. She was trying to savor the moment, to stretch it out and make it last but it was impossible. There was no containing it, she came undone around him. Her body shuddered against him, and she pulled his face to her own in a deep kiss with whimpers still escaping the back of her throat. 

His hips slid down the bench, pulling her with him until he had a better angle. His hands were firm against her hips and he thrust up fast, frantically until she felt him release warm inside her.  

“Is it a 10/10 now?” He asked with a cocky grin as they cleaned up and redressed. 

“Definitely,” She answered, smacking his butt lightly as he pulled his boxers back up, “Probably more like a 50/10.”

“Amazing,” He smiled, “I’m going to get the engine fired up again. Come steer the boat, it’s about time you learned.”

“We’re going to need a boat,” She joked, “A sailboat so you can teach me how to sail.”

“I’ll name it the Isabel,” He bantered back with a lazy smile, but she could see in his eyes that he was also envisioning it. He had loved sailing when they were young, hopefully one day he could find that passion again. Afterall, he was finding his way back to lost love these days. 

Notes:

Thank you for continuing to read!

Hopefully I'll be back to a more regular update schedule soon - especially because we have some BIG chapters coming up that I am so excited to write.

If you don't already and would like to - please give me a follow on instagram: @redclovers.writes

I have been and will continue to post updates and sneak peeks over there - it has been so fun to connect with fellow Bonrad/TSITP fans and hear all of your thoughts on this story.

THE DRESS returns next chapter as we see Bonrad leave Cousins for summer and head back to the city for the Staylor wedding. Who is ready for wedding rehearsal? Hopefully our maid of honor and best man.

Comment notifications in my email quite literally make my day - seriously, thank you for all of the lovely words. Please leave a comment here if you enjoyed the chapter and are excited for 13! Would love to hear your thoughts...

Chapter 13: Chapter 13

Notes:

Buckle up, chapter 13 has landed (finally).

This chapter kept growing and expanding, so forgive me for the delayed update - but, this is the longest chapter to date.

I know 99% of you are all in for the spice, as am I (clearly). But, if you are not please kindly scroll through it. Spice ahead. She is in the dress and Conrad is about to lose his mind.

'Inescapable, I'm not even gonna try
And if I get burned, at least we were electrified
I'm spilling wine in the bathtub
You kiss my face and we're both drunk
Everyone thinks that they know us
But they know nothing about

All of this silence and patience, pining in anticipation
My hands are shaking from holding back from you'
-Dress, Taylor Swift

 

 

Conrad was watching the waves crash against the shore, the rhythm so steady that it reminded him of a heartbeat. As if he had his stethoscope against the pulse of Cousins. He had come down to the beach for his last surf of the summer, but it had been choppy and he hadn’t lasted long. Instead, he found himself sitting in the sand replaying the events of the summer. 

What a perfect summer it had been – better than he could have ever hoped. He had pulled into the driveway in June with no expectations, truly unsure if he would ever be able to hold her again. His body had vibrated that first day, his blood running hot throughout his body. She was still his Belly, after all that time. The pull he felt toward was undeniable, but he wasn’t sure if she felt it too. Not then, at least. 

She was harder to read than she used to be. More closed off, the walls around her heart seemed impenetrable. He would keep working at it, brick by brick if that is what it took. 

He looked back up toward the house. It was still the one place that truly felt like home, especially after this summer. He always missed his mom most this time of year. Summer was her favorite time of year, it was when she really came to life. He felt closest to her while in Cousins, as if a part of her was still living on and always would at the house she loved so much. 

Belly had no idea how much it meant to him, the way she cared for the house and kept that magic alive. He knew Steven and Jere loved the house too, it was all of theirs. But it felt like Belly was the only other person to understand how truly special it was. 

As he was about to stand and head back toward the house, a bright orange monarch butterfly fluttered toward him and landed on his knee. He smiled softly toward it, and felt the prickle of tears at the back of his eyes. “Hey mom,” He whispered, “I’m finally figuring it all out, huh?” The butterfly flapped it’s wings and fluttered away. He watched it as it disappeared down the beach. He would take that as a sign that everything was finally falling into place. He was on the right path. 

 

---

 

“Are you still working?” Belly asked, stepping into the kitchen in her pajamas and with her hair wrapped in a towel. His attending physician had sent over charts to review for his upcoming patient load and he had spent a good part of the afternoon getting familiar with each case. 

“No,” Conrad smiled and reached toward her, pulling her to his side. He was seated at the kitchen island with his laptop open. “Picking out a bed. I realized I’ll need somewhere to sleep next week.”

“Good point,” She chuckled and hoisted herself into the stool beside him, “That’s what you’re going with?”

He looked toward the screen, feeling a little self conscious. He had been told he wasn’t the best at interior design. He really didn’t care what his furniture looked like or how his space was decorated, at least in the past. Now, though, he wanted it to be appealing to Belly. He wanted it to feel like home to her. 

“You don’t like it?” He had been looking at a wooden bed frame with tall posts. It had seemed nice, and that was what he was going for. 

“Um,” Belly pursed her lips together and then shrugged, “I mean, if it’s what you like. It’s your room. It doesn’t really seem like your style, though.”

“I don’t know if I really have a furniture style,” He admitted, “Honestly, I think I would be fine with a mattress on the floor if I didn't know how bad that would be on my back.”

Belly chuckled and pulled his laptop toward her, pulling up a different furniture site and scrolling. He smiled toward her, happy that he had inadvertently pulled her into this decision. 

“How about this?” She turned the screen toward him and pointed toward a charcoal gray platform bed with a tufted headboard. 

“Do you like it?” He asked.

“Yeah, it’s nice.” She replied and scrolled down the details, “And a great deal. Do you like it, though? That’s the real question.”

“Honestly,” He pulled the laptop back toward himself and hit ‘add to cart’, “My criteria is if you like it.”

“Okay,” She tried to suppress a smile, but he caught it. He really wasn’t sure how much longer he could suppress his feelings. He needed to breathe life to them, he needed her to know. He needed to know, too. If her feelings were as strong, if they were on the same page. 

 

---

 

That night they sat out by the pool with a bottle of wine and box of pizza, having already cleaned out the fridge and cleared the cupboards. Conrad’s cheeks were warm, the way they always were when he drank wine. He had moved the outdoor furniture to the garage for the winter, so they sat on the edge of the pool with the pizza box between them. 

“I can’t believe summer is already over,” Belly said, one of her legs swinging over the edge of the pool and her foot dancing across the surface, “It went by way too fast.”

“I did,” Conrad agreed, solemnly. These words had been ringing between them all week. Their suitcases were already packed and ready by the door. Tomorrow morning they would load up their cars and head to Philadelphia. 

Steven and Taylor’s wedding reception was taking place in the banquet hall of a nice, upscale hotel near her old neighborhood. Conrad had booked a room for the weekend, so they would be staying at the hotel with the rest of the wedding party and out of town guests.

“And the wedding is almost here,” Belly reached for another slice of pizza, “I can’t believe Taylor and Steven are going to be married in just a few days.”

“That one is a long time coming,” Conrad smirked and took a sip of his wine, it was a sweet white, not his favorite but it was what Belly preferred, “You know, Steven told me he was going to propose a long time ago. Showed me the ring and everything. I kept waiting for him to call and say he’d done it, but he kept stalling. Took him like a year to actually do it.”

“Oh believe me, I know,” Belly laughed, “Taylor kept asking me what was wrong with my idiot brother. There were at least five different times that she was sure he was going to propose and then he didn’t.”

“Ah, Steven,” Conrad shook his head and then sighed, “I get it though, he wanted it to be perfect for her. I mean if I was–” he stopped himself, swallowed hard and then looked up at Belly. He was sure that if he had continued the rest of that sentence, he would have sent her running for the hills. He was trying to slow himself down to her pace, not rush or scare her away. 

Belly set her glass of wine down and turned so her whole body was facing the pool, both legs dangling over the edge now. She was biting at her bottom lip, expression impossible to read. 

“I’m sorry, Belly. I didn’t, I mean–” 

“No, Conrad,” She looked over at him, finally, and he searched her face with his eyes, “It’s fine, really. I was just thinking about… well, honestly, when I was proposed to. And how stupid I was for saying yes.”

“Ah,” Conrad grabbed the bottle of wine and refilled his glass. He wasn’t sure what to say really, it wasn’t a topic that he cared to remember or rehash further. She had almost married his brother, he had almost lost her forever. But, he hadn’t. Here they were, at the end of an amazing summer. He had stopped himself short of saying If I was proposing to you, I would make sure it was perfect. 

She had old wounds, they both did. He knew that and he could live with that and work through them. It just stung to remember. 

“You must have thought I was so stupid,”

“Belly,” He cleared his throat, “Do you want me to be honest with you?”

She nodded and looked him in the eyes, “Yes,”

“Okay,” He sighed and chugged the rest of his glass, “I did think you were being stupid. I thought you both were. More than that, though, I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I felt like I was going to lose you forever. That someone else was going to marry my girl and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”

He heard her inhale sharply, push the pizza box away and scoot closer to his side. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry, Belly.” He reached for his hand, “You did nothing wrong. But, I don’t want to live in the shadow of all of that anymore. It’s part of our history, yes. And if you need to talk about it, I’m your guy. I already told you that, we’ll talk about everything. I just…” He finally turned to look at her, and almost kissed her right then before finishing his thought, “I just want to focus a little more on the future. On making things right. Can we do that?”

She nodded quickly, “Yes. Of course.”

He put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his side, planting a firm kiss to the top of her head. He wanted to tell her that he would make her forget whatever stupid thing Jeremiah had said when proposed. He would erase all of that, he would replace it with the perfect memory. He just needed time. 

 

---

 

“This is everything?” Conrad asked, loading her big suitcase into the trunk of her car. Belly wracked her brain, trying to think of anything she might have left behind. She nodded and handed him her two dress bags next, the dress he had bought her for her birthday in one and her bridesmaids dress in the other. He laid them carefully across the top of her suitcase and then closed the trunk.

Her stomach was in knots. She wanted to run back inside the house and hide. One summer, she must have been around five or six, the boys had concocted a plan to extend summer. If they found a really good hiding place and the moms couldn’t find them until after dark, they would get to stay an extra night. Of course, the plan hadn’t worked and had only resulted in the summer ending in tears. All four kids with puffy, red eyes and tear stained cheeks as they drove away that year. 

“Okay,” He sighed and stepped back toward his car, “I’ll follow behind you then. Straight to the hotel?”

“Wait,” She said and walked to him with her arms extended, she needed to feel his arms around her. This had been the most magical summer yet, at least of her adult life. The fear of what the next season might bring was enough to swallow her whole. She wanted to freeze time, seal off Cousins and stay here like this forever. Just the two of them. 

He wrapped her in a tight hug, pulled her so close to his chest that she felt like they might mesh into one. She inhaled deep, taking in the scent of him. It wasn’t time for goodbye yet, they still had a whole weekend before they'd part and officially become long distance. But, this felt like the end of an era. The end of a perfect era. 

“Thank you, for the most perfect summer of my life.” She said, her face pressed against his chest. 

“It was better than I ever could have hoped,” He kissed her hairline and then pulled away slightly to look down into her eyes, “Truly.”

She wrapped her hands around his back, her hands playing with the hair at the nape of his neck and leaned up on her toes to kiss him. When she pulled away, he smiled sweetly and then pulled her back into a hug. “This is just the best so far, Belly. We have more summers ahead of us. Okay?” 

“Okay.” She nodded and exhaled a long breath, trying to push out all of the fears and doubts. She wanted to let go of everything but Conrad. 

They stayed like that, arms around each other for a long time. After a while, he pulled away gently and reminded her of the time. She had promised Taylor that they would be back in time to help set up for the rehearsal dinner,  which Taylor had somehow spiraled into a large, formal party. There were a lot of out of town guests, old college friends of both Steven and Taylor who would be attending and plenty of family members on both sides. “The whole weekend is an event,” Taylor kept telling everyone. 

As Belly pulled down the driveway, she looked at the house in her rearview mirror and let a tear roll down her cheek. She couldn't help but feel a fog of fear press against her. 

 

---

“Finally!” Taylor squealed and ran across the hotel lobby as Conrad and Belly walked through the doors, “You guys took forever! I don’t know which one of you drives more like a grandma.”

“Definitely Conrad,” Steven said, walking up behind her.

“You two are hilarious,” Belly said mockingly, “Is everyone here already?”

“Our moms are in the banquet room we’re using tonight decorating,” Taylor pointed across the lobby toward the long stretch of hallway that Belly knew to be where the banquet space was located, “My cousins are around somewhere, Jere checked in about a half hour ago. I guess Sam has the flu or something, so she stayed in Vermont with her family.”

Belly and Conrad gave each other a knowing look and then nodded. “Well, I’ll go get us checked in.” Conrad said, pulling his wallet from his back pocket. Belly had offered to split the room, but he refused. She had an apartment in the city, he would have to get a room either way he had said. 

“Put them as far away from us as possible,” Steven said jokingly to the guy behind the front desk, “Seriously, I don’t want to hear Belly’s drunk snoring down the hallway the next few nights.”

“That is not why I don’t want to be near them,” Taylor said under her breath and nudged Belly in the ribs, “I want to hear everything, by the way. We’re getting out of here, I made us a nail appointment and I changed my mind about the veil. We need to go find one.”

“Okay, I am in,” Belly laughed and linked arms with Taylor, they sat in the plush loveseat across the lobby and watched Conrad and Steven at the check in counter, “But, we made a deal when you started dating Steven. I don’t have to hear anything about your sex life. So whatever you have planned for the wedding night, keep it to yourself.”

“I know, I know,” Taylor rolled her eyes, “I’ve done a good job, haven’t I?”

“You have,” Belly smiled and then reached over for Taylor’s hand, “We’re going to be sisters tomorrow!”

“Fucking finally!” Taylor laughed and squeezed her hand, “I just want you to be as happy as I am.”

They were still watching the boys, who were now making there way back across the lobby with their key cards in hand. Taylor looked between Belly and Conrad and smiled to herself. “I think you finally are, babe.” She whispered in her friend’s ear before pulling her to her feet and telling the boys they’d be back in a few hours. 

 

---

 

“Alright, this is it,” Steven said, setting his phone down on one of the tables, “Taylor approves.”

“I thought the rehearsal dinner was just like…a small dinner with the wedding party and family?” Jeremiah asked, leaning against one of the tables they had just rearranged for what felt like the tenth time. Taylor had a specific vision for the dining hall they were having the rehearsal dinner in. Steven had been texting her photos and the guys had been rearranging until getting her approval. 

“Well,” Steven said, straightening out the table clothes, “We have a lot of out of town guests, so we wanted to have a bigger party. Whole weekend celebration. We’re hosting a brunch here Sunday morning, too. So don’t try to slink off right away.”

“I’m sorry that Sam isn’t here, I hope that didn't mess up the…seating chart or anything?” Jeremiah responded and looked out into the hallway, where Laurel and Taylor’s mom were arranging the centerpieces. 

“She’s sick?” Conrad asked, squinting at his brother skeptically.

“We’re taking a break, if you must know. Which clearly you must.” Jeremiah shook his head toward Steven as if he was going to agree with him, “But, I really don’t want to make that the topic of conversation this weekend so…”

“It’s fine, man.” Steven waved his hand toward the brothers, extinguishing the conversation before it could go further, "And I hope it works out. She seemed cool."

“For sure,” Conrad clapped his brother on the back and then extended his other arm toward Steven, “We’re here to celebrate this guy. The first of us to make it down the aisle, who would’ve thought?”

“You going to be next, Connie?” Steven joked, raising his eyebrows, “Things are going good with my sister?”

“I mean,” The three of them sat around one of the tables, “It’s like everything suddenly makes sense, if I’m being honest.”

“Yeah,” Steven smiled and then looked at Jeremiah conspiringly, “He’s done for.”

“What?” Conrad asked, looking between the two.

“You’re like a man-possessed, Con,” Jere laughed, “I haven’t seen your face light up like this since…maybe ever.”

“You’re in love.” Steven cooed and shook his head, then turned back to Jeremiah, “Let’s get a side bet going. How long until he proposes?”

“I give him six months, look at him blushing.” Jere teased.

Conrad suppressed a smile and then looked back toward the door, “You guys are really funny. You better not say any of this shit to Belly. We’re taking it slow, okay?”

“Alright, alright,” Steven threw his hands up in surrender, “Just don’t fuck this up.”

 

---

 

Belly was doing her makeup in the bathroom of their hotel room, standing in front of the mirror in only her bra and underwear. She had showered after returning from her errands with Taylor. 

“What?” She asked with a laugh when she caught Conrad’s eyes in the mirror. 

“Nothing, you just look really pretty.” His eyes were like warm liquid on her, “How was your…pedicure?”

“Manicure,” She corrected with a laugh, “It was nice. What do you think?” She turned and walked out of the bathroom toward where he was seated on the bed. He took one of her hands in his and turned it over. 

“Nice,” He kissed her knuckles and then pulled her down onto his lap, “Don’t think it went unnoticed that you and Taylor somehow got out of all the work today.”

“Well,” Belly wrapped her arms around his neck, “She is the bride, and as the maid of honor it’s my duty to support her. It just so happens that sometimes that means tagging along for a manicure and last minute veil shopping instead of moving a bunch of tables and chairs around.”

“Ah,” Conrad nodded and gently kissed her neck, “Makes sense.”

“Did you talk to Jere at all?” Belly asked, still feeling troubled with guilt over not telling Sam herself about what had happened at the party.

“Not in detail,” Conrad shook his head, “But, he did tell me and Steve that they’re on a break. So, I think he told her.”

“I hope so,” Belly rolled her eyes, “I feel awful for her.”

Conrad pulled her closer to his body and ran his hands up her back, settling over the clasp of her bra. “Are you wearing the dress we got on your birthday tonight?”

“Yes,” She smiled, “The dress you bought me.”

“It was either that or tear it off of you in that fitting room,” He chuckled, “And I wasn’t sure if we were on the same page yet.”

“And now?” She asked, leaning so close to him that he could feel her breath on his cheeks as she exhaled.

He swallowed hard and looked up at her, eyes blazing and flashing to her lips. “I guess we’ll find out.”

She was pulling his face to her own when her phone started vibrating on the nightstand, “Taylor.” She said, reaching across his body to answer the call, “Hey, what’s up?”

“Everything okay?” Conrad asked when she hung up and started to stand, reluctantly pulling herself away from his heat. 

“Yeah, she just wants all of the girls to finish getting ready and ride to the church for rehearsal together. You’re supposed to go to Jere’s room to get ready with him and Steven.”

“I think I can dress myself,” He rolled his eyes, “But I’ll meet them up there.”

“Good boy,” She laughed and kissed his cheek and pulled on a pair of jeans and a tank top. He watched as she packed up her make-up bag and threw it into a tote bag with her wallet and phone. 

He stood and opened the closet, where he had hung her dresses and his tux for the wedding. “Here,” He pulled out the dress bag, “Want me to walk you up to her room?”

“I’ve got it,” She stood on her tip-toes to kiss his cheek, “I’ll meet you there.”

 

---

 

Conrad saw her before she saw him. His memory of her standing in that fitting room hadn’t even done it justice. She was breath-taking. He had always thought that was just a turn of phrase. But, watching Belly walk through the doors of the church in the dress he had bought her, her hair loosely curled and cascading down her back changed his mind. It felt like all of the air had been sucked from the room. He wanted to look around and see if everyone else was seeing her, too. He was sure that they were. Maybe he was biased, he figured, but it almost wasn’t fair how beautiful she looked. 

He watched as her eyes scanned the church, smiling softly to Laurel and Steven before finding him. When their eyes met, her smile widened on instinct. Her whole face lit up, and he felt his stomach flip. He knew going into this summer that he still loved her, but that love had evolved. It was unexpected, he didn’t think it was even possible. He had fallen in love with her all over again, deeper and true than ever before. 

“Okay,” Mrs. Jewel called out across the church, “Everyone get lined up, we only have a half hour before the women’s bible study meets.”

“Don’t rush,” Taylor rolled her eyes, “Okay, where does everyone go?”

“Is the minister not here to rehearse with us?” Laurel asked, looking around the church. He could tell the wedding was a bit more of a production that she favored, but she was taking it all in good stride and being supportive of Taylor and Steven.

“He had a funeral service in Boston, he’ll be back in the morning.” Taylor’s mom said, emphasizing the last part so as to not stir any panic, “But, I’ve been in enough weddings. I’ll direct everyone, it’ll be fine.”

Conrad had to give it to her, she did a great job of commanding the room and not allowing anyone to get too distracted – which was always a feat when it came to wrangling the Conklin-Fisher kids. John had volunteered to stand in as practice minister, which made Laurel laugh. 

A pang of something resembling jealousy pulled at Conrad’s heart as he watched Steven practice walking in with Laurel. It felt like robbery, that his own mother had lost out on those moments. How ecstatic she would be to see him and Belly back together. He glanced over at her, and smiled to himself. Fuck him, he couldn’t stop himself from picturing it. Belly as a bride. Steven had gotten in his head, after all. 

“What?” She whispered, with a laugh. Jere and Taylor’s cousin had just started their way up the aisle. Mrs. Jewel making them restart when they walked too fast. She was counting out-loud to them. 

“You look beautiful.” He said into her ear, “Distractingly beautiful. I don’t know how I’m supposed to focus on anything else right now.”

“When they’re here - you see that spot, Belly?” Mrs. Jewel asked from her spot in the middle of the church, “That’s when you two start walking.”

Belly and Conrad nodded and started their way up the aisle. “You look pretty nice, yourself.” She squeezed his arm. 

“Slower, it’s not a race.” Mrs. Jewel scolded them. Conrad wasn’t trying to go fast, but he was counting down the minutes until this night was over and he had Belly alone in their hotel room. 

He looked down at her, the emerald dress hugging her curves as if it had been made just for her. They were in a church, he was trying to remind himself, and surrounded by family. That dress though, was making his mind and his eyes travel. 

He had wanted nothing more than to slide the straps of the dress down her arms and nuzzle his face between her breasts that day in the fitting room. Tonight, he would do exactly that. He liked knowing what was underneath the dress. He liked knowing even more that she was his. Not in a controlling kind of way. In the way that he truly felt like they were made for each other. Belly was his girl. His person. He was the one who was lucky enough to take her home at the end of this night, and every night after. 

Because he would never let go now, and he was at least 98% sure that she wouldn’t either. 

He looked around the church, hoping no one had noticed him ogle the maid of honor. How his eyes had roamed across every inch of her body. No one was looking at them though, they were all smiling toward Taylor and Steven. 

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…” John said in a jokingly bravado voice. Conrad had been so distracted by Belly that he hadn’t even noticed Taylor make her way down the aisle. It was fitting for the rehearsal, because he was certain the actual ceremony would go the same way. 

“And then you’ll just walk out in the opposite order, so Taylor and Steven…” Mrs. Jewel directed them and they walked back out toward the back of the church. 

“Easy enough,” Steven shrugged, and Taylor agreed.

“Should we run through it one more time?” Mrs. Jewel asked, clapping her hands together.

“I think we’ve got it, mom.” Taylor said, with a roll of her eyes. 

“Okay, let’s get a picture of all of you kids.” Laurel said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. Conrad realized that she had probably always envisioned his mom being by her side through all of the big moments, too. They had raised their four kids together each summer and played the role of honorary aunt and second mother to each other’s children. 

“Send those to me,” Mrs. Jewel said sweetly, wiping at the corners of her eyes, “I can’t believe this, my little baby girl getting married. Can you believe it, Laur?”

“They grew up on us, huh?” Laurel answered.

“Mom,” Belly said, as everyone started to walk out of the church, “Take one more, of me and Conrad.”

He smiled down at her, heart full, and slid his hand behind her back while Laurel snapped a few photos of them with her phone. The three of them walked out of the church last, Laurel lingering behind them for a moment before picking up her pace to match theirs. 

“Can I just tell you both,” She said, placing a hand lightly on Belly’s shoulder, “How happy I am to see you both so happy.”

“Thank you, Laurel,” Conrad said, pulling her to his side. He caught Belly’s smile, although she was trying to play it off as her usual annoyance with her mom. He could tell that Laurel supporting them meant a lot to her, especially after what had happened between the two of them when she had been with Jeremiah.

“And don’t take it the wrong way, either of you,” She looked to Belly pointedly, “I'm not adding any pressure. But, you should know that Susannah would be beyond thrilled. She always had a feeling about you two.”

“Always?” Belly laughed, and Conrad was sure she was picturing them as chubby legged toddlers digging in the sand. 

“Yeah,” Laurel said confidently, “Always. It used to irk me, but,” She sighed, “I’ve started to realize that Beck just had a way with those things. She was right about almost everything.”

“Mom,” Belly stopped walking, a smile lighting up her face, “You have truly gone soft in your old age. You know that right?”

“Did you just call me old?” Laurel narrowed her eyes in Belly’s direction and smiled softly. Conrad had never realized it before, but Belly had Laurel’s smile. 

“Hey, Laur, are you still riding back with me?” John asked, waiting outside his prius for his ex-wife. 

“Okay,” Belly put her hands on her hips, “Is something going on between you and dad?”

“Oh god, Belly,” Laurel shook her head, “You’re a little old to start pulling the ‘get my parents back together’ stuff.”

“Laur?” John asked again and she waved to him, “One minute, John. Our daughter seems to think we’re back together.”

The two of them laughed and Belly looked at Conrad in annoyance.

“There was a bit of a vibe…” Conrad said quietly, in Belly’s defense.

“We’ve been through a lot together,” Laurel stopped laughing and gave Belly a serious look, “He’s my best friend now. But, romantically…” Laurel looked back toward John and snorted, “But romantically, we aren’t…it could never work.”

“There’s no fireworks,” Belly said knowingly, and then glanced at Conrad. His heart skipped a beat. 

“Exactly,” Laurel smiled softly, “Not everyone gets that. It’s rare.”

 

---

 

Belly was constantly impressed with her best friend. As she took in the way the dining hall space had been transformed (Taylor’s vision, executed by the boys and the moms) for the rehearsal dinner, she smiled to herself and threw an impressed nod across the room in Taylor's direction. She couldn’t wait to see how beautiful everything would look tomorrow for the ceremony and reception. 

Taylor was the kind of bride who had been planning her wedding since she was a little girl. Her pinterest boards were already filled with her dream wedding, long before she got the ring. She had executed it all flawlessly. 

She was drawn out of her thoughts by Conrad taking a seat beside her, setting a class of white wine in front of her. They had just finished dinner, and everyone was starting to mingle around the room. “You looked like you could use a refill.”

“Isn’t it crazy,” She thought out loud, “That we woke up in Cousins this morning. That feels like yesterday.”

“It has been a long day,” He agreed, “Should I have gotten you a coffee instead?”

“No,” She shook her head, “I’m not even tired, that’s the strange thing. I’m so excited for them.”

Their eyes wandered across the room, where Steven and Taylor were chatting with some of their friends who had traveled from out of town. Steven wrapped his arm around Taylor’s shoulders as she told a story, stirring a laugh from the circle around them. 

“Belly,” Conrad’s voice dropped to a rough whisper in her ear, his hand on her thigh, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting for this night to end.”

“Oh?” She turned toward him, biting her bottom lip knowingly. 

“I want you,” He leaned so close to her as he whispered, his lips practically on her neck and she felt her body react, “So bad.”

His hand moved further up her thigh, and her eyes danced across his face in question. “Conrad,” She whispered back a warning, and glanced around the room to see if anyone was looking at them. Surely, their desire must be written across their faces. She could feel a flush across her cheeks and her chest. She reached for her glass of wine and took a long sip. 

“I can’t think of anything but you.” His hand found the slit in the side of her dress and his hand made contact with her skin. She let out an audible sigh, and looked away. If she looked at him, if her eyes met his she would probably lose control. Find an excuse to leave early and drag him up to their room. She pressed her knees together. 

“Patience,” Her voice came out more hoarse than she had intended, she cleared her throat and nodded across the room, “Your brother is walking over here.”

Conrad let out an annoyed breath and squeezed her thigh, moving his hand above the fabric of her dress. Belly looked at him, his cheeks pink and eyes glossy. She wanted to feel his hands back on her skin. She loved the feeling of being wanted by him. It was intoxicating. 

“The maid of honor and the best man,” Jeremiah said to them in greeting, raising his bottle of beer as if he were toasting them. 

“Jere,” Conrad nodded, bringing his own bottle of beer to his lips, “Enjoying the party?”

“Uh,” He made a face and then hesitantly took the seat across from them, “Not really.”

“Well,” Conrad pulled his hand back to his lap and then stood abruptly, “Fake it. Like you said, this weekend is about Steven and Taylor. Don’t make it about yourself.”

Belly took a deep breath and watched as Conrad walked off toward the bar, where Steven was huddled with a group of his friends. She looked back toward Jeremiah, feeling awkward to be caught between the brothers once again. 

“So,” Belly reached for her wine, “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry, Bells.” Jere picked at the label on his heer bottle, not meeting her gaze, “I put you and Conrad in a bad spot at the party. I hope I didn’t cause any…issues between the two of you.”

“Not at all,” She shrugged, “And it’s fine. I mean, it’s not. But that’s your problem to work through, Jere. lf this is an issue for you, or you need to talk to someone…”

“I don’t think you’d be the best person for me to talk about this stuff.” Jere scoffed.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t.” She nodded in agreement, “But, you could start with your brother.”

“Yeah, you see how that works out.” Jeremiah laughed bitterly under his breath, and gestured in the direction that Conrad had stormed off toward. 

Belly looked toward the ceiling and then back toward Jere. She wanted to shake him and ask him how he could be so blind? How did he not know that Conrad had done for him. “He cares about you more than you know,.” Belly said sternly, “And he carries a lot on his shoulders.”

“You always have defended him,” He said bitterly, with a shake of his head. He kept his hair short these days. He was so different from the boy she once knew. The friend she once had in him. They would always be friends, but there were layers of spite on both ends that she feared would prevent things from every being completely solid again. 

“That’s not what I was trying to do,” Belly crossed her arms, “I’m trying to get you to see his perspective. When you’re upset, you have a tendency to only see things one way.”

“Well, then what do I need to do to get Sam back? I told her what happened and she ended things.”

“The only thing you can do now is be honest.” Belly gave him a sad smile and then stood and nodded for him to join her.

“Are you?” He asked, standing to meet her. They walked across the room, toward the group of friends gathered near Steven and Taylor’s table. 

“Being honest?” Belly raised her eyebrows at him in disbelief. She thought maybe he was accusing her of still being in love with him and was aghast. “Of course I am.”

“Really?” Jere tested her, “So you’ve told Conrad that you’re in love with him, then?”

She stopped walking and gave him a hard look, “I–,”

“Yeah,” Jere laughed, “It’s pretty obvious. To everyone, but him.”

“I’m not–”

“You can lie to yourself, Belly,” Jere pointed his beer bottle in her direction, “But you can’t lie to me. Not when it comes to the truth I had to wrestle with every day for two years. You always have and always will love Conrad.”

“Jere–” 

“Belly,” He shook his head, “Water under the bridge. Just tell him how you feel, I promise things will work out.”

She looked toward Conrad who was watching her, a look crossed his face that she couldn’t read and he closed the distance between them. “Everything alright?” He put a hand on her lower back, so low his pinky was grazing the top of her ass. 

“Yeah,” Jeremiah said, “All good.”

“Ok,” Conrad planted a soft kiss to the side of Belly’s face as if he was claiming her, “Cleveland just got here, let’s go say hi.”

He held her hand as they walked across the room to where Cleveland was greeting Laurel and John. Belly wasn’t sure what had ever happened between her mom and Cleveland. At least not romantically. But, they had remained good friends and collaborated on book tours over the years. They had, eventually, become such good friends that he was now an expected guest at the Park-Conklin Thanksgivings. Belly thought Conrad would like that. If he decided to come to their Thanksgiving this year, that was. 

“Look what the cat dragged in,” Conrad said with a laugh, “You didn’t mention you would be coming.”

“Of course I’m here,” Cleveland said, almost as if he was offended. Belly wondered if it was coincidence that the two people her mom considered her ‘best friends’ were both men. She supposed it would be hard for her to get close to another female friend without feeling like she was betraying her friendship with Susannah. “Jesus, Conrad, I don’t think I’ve actually seen you in person in at least two years. Look at you, you’re an actual grown man now.”

“It’s good to see you,” Conrad said, accepting the hug the older man was extending him. He had been a good friend to Conrad throughout the years, always accepting his random calls for advice. 

“And this,” Cleveland gestured between Belly and Conrad, “is happening.”

“It is,” Conrad nodded proudly, and Belly wanted to feel gleeful but instead a rush of fear crept up her throat. The further they got outside their bubble, the more delicate and breakable everything felt. 

“About time, kid,” Cleveland laughed and smiled at the both of them, “I’m going to go say hi to the bride and groom, but we’ll catch up later.”

“Definitely,” Conrad smiled and nodded, then turned to Belly, “You know, he’s the first person I told what I was feeling for you. Back then.”

“Really?” Belly laughed and watched Cleveland greet Steven and Taylor. 

“Can we sneak away yet?” Conrad pulled her body back into his and lowered his head onto her shoulder. He wasn’t afraid of anyone knowing about them, in fact it seemed the opposite. They had never had to make a big announcement, or declare themselves as a couple to everyone.  It was as if they all had already known, before she even had herself. Maybe it had been inevitable from the moment she had agreed to spend the summer with him. 

An electric volt shot down her body at his touch, her head tilting back to lean against his shoulder without even giving it thought. “As tempting as that is, I think we would officially be the worst maid of honor and best man in history if we were the first to leave tonight.”

"True," He planted a kiss behind her ear, "But I'm going crazy." 

She raised her eyebrows at him and rolled her lips together, trying to suppress a satisfied smile. She wanted him just as bad. He had been teasing her all night with his tender touches and whispering into her ear when no one was around. It took every ounce of will-power in her body to deny him and insist they stay. She squeezed his hand and pulled him back toward their group, it was their job as maid of honor and best man to make sure everyone had a good time. 

Later is when they could make sure they had their own good time.

 

---

 

By the time the party was wrapping up, Conrad felt like he was going to explode. It was painfully obvious that Belly had no idea the full extent of the effect that she was having on him. Or how incredible she looked. 

He felt so proud to be hers. He wanted to stand on a chair with a champagne fluke  and declare to the whole room that he was with her. Forever. She was his girl. He loved her. Suppressing it wasn’t going well. His love for her was a garden that had grown out of control, sprouted up his throat. In full bloom. He had to tell her. 

She was across the room, laughing with Taylor and her cousins about something. When she laughed, her whole body reacted. She held her stomach with one of her hands and leaned forward. Love wasn’t the only thing taking full bloom in Conrad’s body. At this moment, there was an equal amount of lust. 

He had wanted to get her out of here since the moment he saw her in the church. Filthy thoughts were on replay in his mind. Belly bent over the side of the table, pressed against the wall, pressed against him. In the dress, out of the dress. Halfway in the dress. He felt perverse. He felt primal, possessive in a way he had never felt before. This had all started that day in the mall when she swung the fitting room door open. He had wanted to touch her so desperately. All he could do was buy her the dress, and somehow even that was turning him on tonight. The fact that he had bought her that dress. 

She looked up and made eye contact with him across the room, flashed him a small smile and raised her eyebrows. She raised her drink to him in toast across the room and he hated himself for the thought that flashed as he watched her lips press to the rim of her glass. Her beautiful fucking mouth. He needed air. Or her. To breathe her in like oxygen and never stop. 

The party had thinned out, it was mostly just the bridal party and the friends who had been at the party in Cousins remaining. He felt like a stick in the mud for wanting to leave so badly, but he couldn’t have a coherent conversation with any of these people when his want, his need for Belly was burning through his body. 

“Are you alright?” Steven asked, walking over with a cocktail glass, “You look like you’re either going to puke or implode. Were you taking shots?”

Conrad looked at the warm beer he had been nursing all night and shook his head, “No, man. Sorry.” He chuckled and willed himself not to look over at Belly again. “You ready for tomorrow?”

“You know I am.” He smiled toward Taylor, the girls were making their way across the room toward them now. 

“I think I’m ready to call it a night,” Taylor said, coming up beside Steven, “If I don’t get a full eight hours I’ll look like I’m having an allergic reaction to something in all of the pictures.”

“You’re going to look beautiful no matter what.” Steven said and kissed the side of her face. 

“I’m serious,” She laughed, “You need to get good sleep, too. All of us do. I'll kill all of you if the pictures turn out bad.” She pointed her finger toward the rest of the bridal party. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to do a sleepover?” Belly asked, “I hate the thought of you being alone tonight.”

Fuck. Conrad might actually implode. 

“I’m going straight to bed. I love you, babe, but I know we would end up staying up way too late and then there’s the matter of your snoring…” Taylor pulled Belly closer to her and then whispered something to her ear. Whatever she said made Belly’s cheeks and chest flush in embarrassment and the girls giggled together, eyes flashing over to Conrad.

“I don’t know what that was,” Conrad laughed awkwardly and extended an arm out to Belly to his side, “But, I will accept your snoring in my room.”

“I don’t snore,” Belly said pointedly, “You are all liars.”

“You snore like an old man,” Steven joked, “With severe breathing problems. Actually, maybe you should get that checked out.”

“Ha,” Belly crossed her arms, “Hilarious. Conrad hasn’t complained so,”

“That’s because Conrad can sleep through anything,” Steven laughed, “Jere!” He called over his shoulder and motioned from him to join them, “Remember that time we tried to prank Conrad and hid an alarm clock in his room to mess with him,”

“Oh my god,” Jeremiah chuckled and shook his head, “That was like the dumbest prank ever.”

“Because it backfired on you two clowns,” He pulled Belly closer into his side, so close that he could smell her perfume and the lavender lotion she liked to use. 

“It backfired on the whole house, actually.” Belly said, “You woke everyone up,”

“Except Conrad,” Jeremiah laughed and shook his head. Conrad smiled at the memory. He had slept through the loud, obnoxious alarm and it had instead woke everyone else in the house up - the moms included. 

“Which is why he’s a perfect match for Belly’s old man snore. It’s science.” Steven continued, he felt Belly stiffen at his side. He could tell that she wasn’t yet entirely comfortable with everyone’s opinions on their relationship. Despite the fact that no one had anything but positive things to say. He understood her fear though, although he wish she could just let go.

“That’s actually adorable,” Taylor said.

“Okay, you guys are all insane.” Belly said, then leaned across and gave Taylor a kiss on the cheek, “Goodnight, I love you.” 

“9 AM in my room,” Taylor instructed.

“I’ll bring the coffee,”

They all said goodnight and started off their separate ways. 

 

---

 

Belly pressed the button for the elevator and stood back to wait. They had stayed back and helped to clear the centerpieces, insisting that Taylor and Steven head up for the night. Conrad’s arms wrapped around her, pressing her back into his abdomen and his lips dropped to her ear. “Are you ready?” 

“For what?” She asked, he swept her into his arms as the elevator doors opened. He set her back on her feet inside the elevator and pressed her back against the wall. Before she could even smile, he was kissing her with so much intensity that she forgot where she even was. 

She brought her hands to his face and swiped her thumbs across his cheek, he pressed his lips against her firmer and scraped his teeth against her bottom lip. One of his hands traced its way to her ass and the other was tangled in her hair. The elevator dinged as it stopped on their floor and he pulled away, the look in his eyes was indescribable. It was as if he was in a trance. Under a spell. 

She laughed under her breath, surprised at the huskiness of her own voice. “I wanted you to kiss me like that all night.”

He let out a noise from the back of his throat, a cross between a laugh and grunt. Maybe it wasn’t quite a spell, she decided. He was a man possessed. 

“I need to feel you,” He growled, pulling her toward his body by the wrist, “Right now.” 

He picked her up again, this time throwing her over his shoulder. She squealed in delight, lightheaded from the feeling of how badly she wanted him - how good it felt to be so wanted. It was a combination of the longing that had been between them all summer, the feeling of finally having each other, the fear of being long distance in a few days. She needed to feel him, too. 

The light on their door flashed red twice as he fumbled with the key card, swiping it across the lock with a shaking hand. She smirked to herself at his shaking hands. The tension of the day, the restraint and the waiting was manifesting. As soon as that door opened, she knew, there would be no more holding back. 

Finally, it flashed green and Conrad turned the handle with so much force that Belly was surprised he didn’t rip it right off the door. Once inside, he set her down gently on her feet and then kneeled in front of her. 

“What are you–” She blinked at him in confusion. She had expected to be tossed on the bed and ravished immediately. 

Instead, he traced his right index finger around her ankle and then ran his hand up her leg to the back of her knee. He looked up at her for a brief moment, before leaning forward and placing a soft kiss to her kneecap. His hand ran back down her leg, fingers scraping gently across her calf in a way that made her sigh in contentment. 

He lifted her feet out of her high heels, one at a time and then looked up at her again. She leaned back against the door and let out a long breathy sigh. He had one had on each of her ankles. Slowly he ran them up her legs, under her dress and across her thighs. On instinct, her legs parted for him and hips rocked forward trying to make contact. His hands rubbed across each of her thighs, gentle circles that grew closer and closer to where she wanted to feel him. Instead, he moved outward to her hips and hooked his fingers under the waistband of her underwear. 

She couldn’t even be embarrassed, as he slid them down her legs and helped her step out of them, at how damp they were. He had been teasing her all night, with his hands on her thighs and her ass, whispering what he was going to do to her in her ear. She would have been ready for him the moment they walked in the room, he wouldn’t have even had to touch her. His eyes dropped to the wet spot before he tossed them to the side, and he looked up at her so intensely. Maybe he hadn’t known, she realized, that she was equally as affected by him. 

“I’ve wanted you,” His voice was barely above a whisper, his fingers were playing with the bottom hem of her dress. He pulled the dress out toward him, as if he was examining it and then cinched the fabric up to her hips. She was fully exposed to him now. He leaned forward on his knees and kissed across her hips. 

“Me too,” Her voice barely making it out above a whisper, “All day.”

The scruff of his stubble scraped against her thighs as he shook his head, “Not all day, baby.” 

He had never called that before. She didn’t think he had ever called her anything other than Belly, aside from Isabel on the rare occasion. It felt like he had poured hot liquid down her body. 

“I always wanted you,” Her dress was bunched in his hands and his face was dangerously close to her core. So close that she could buck forward and make contact. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted. Ever since that first time. I have wanted you.”

“Conrad,” Her hands dropped to the top of his head, fingers fishing their way through his hair. He leaned forward and kissed her hip bone again, sloppy and wet.

“Do you understand what I’m saying?” His tongue trailed across her hips, stopping just below her belly button. She nodded once, biting her lip in restraint. It was difficult not to pull him into her. “Belly,” He groaned and she realized her name was possibly even sweeter on his tongue, “Hold your dress.”

A knot of excitement uncoiled in the depth of her stomach and she quickly obliged. Once his hands were free of holding up her dress, they ran across her hips and back to her ass. He fit each of his hands in the crease between her thigh and her bottom and pushed her legs further apart. Equal parts gentle and rough. 

He knelt back lower onto his heels and pressed his face into one of her thighs while his hands continued to roam. He was everywhere except where she wanted him. His right hand swept between her thighs and brushed upwards, she whimpered and pushed her pelvis forward. “Is this what you want?” His voice was husky and he pressed his thumb against her. The moan that fell between her lips was all the confirmation that he needed.

“More,” She was losing grip on the dress, it began to cascade back down her legs. 

He removed his hand to pick the dress back up, causing her to let out a frustrated grunt. He laughed to himself and kissed his way back up her thigh. With his free hand, he pushed her legs apart again to allow himself room. Her head hit the back of the door, a hollow knock that caused him to jump away for a second. “More,” She said again and with a smug smile he dipped his head between her legs and pressed his mouth to her. When his tongue rolled softly across her, her entire body jolted as if she had been struck by a lightning bolt. 

“Is that what you wanted?” He pulled away to ask and she nodded quickly whispering, yes.

He was working one of his hands up and down her left leg, he stopped at the back of her knee and lifted it swiftly over his shoulder. His other hand snaked its way across her backside and pulled her back into him, his mouth fitting over her like it was made to. She laughed at herself, at how insane he made her. When he flattened his tongue against her and curled his lip inward her laugh evolved into a long moan. She was grateful that their room was on an entirely different floor from the rest of the wedding party. If they were worried about her snores, she couldn’t imagine how bothered they would be by the sounds that Conrad was eliciting from her tonight. 

“I don’t want to–” She protested when she felt her release building and tried to move away from him, but his hand was firm on her backside holding her in place. The hand that had been on her thigh, trailed between her legs and he slid two fingers inside of her. Her body shook around him, but his grip on her remained firm. He slowed down as her body shook, let her ride it out and didn’t stop until she dropped her dress and pushed at his forehead. 

Gently, he lifted her leg and placed her so both feet were on the ground. Her dress cascaded back around her. She was breathless, unsure if she could even move and he was looking at her as if she was the moon. As if she had just done something extraordinary. 

He rose to his feet and pulled her against his chest, kissing the side of his face. He was hard against her, practically throbbing through his dress pants. She reached for the button, wanting to feel him now. He kicked his pants to the side and then pulled away to unbutton his shirt. She leaned against the door and watched him undress, appreciating the thick rope of muscles that were his arms and the teasing trail of hair leading down his abdomen. 

“I wanted you too, you know.” She panted, still trying to catch her breath, “It’s different with us, it always has been.”

He kissed her again and searched her side until his fingers found the zipper on the side of her dress. “It is,” He agreed. 

“I almost came into your room one night,” She admitted, feeling brazen in her afterglow, “A few years ago on the fourth of July. Your hair was longer that year and you looked so…”

“Romantic?” He pulled at the zipper and dipped his head between her breasts. They had been teasing him all night. 

“Sexy,” She whispered, “I wanted you, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop at one night.”

His teeth scraped across the top of her cleavage and he gently bit down, “You were right about that. We are never stopping this.”

He pulled away from her and looked down at her body in the dress, one last time. His eyes were flames, burning across her body with a look that could only be read as possessive. A warm coil was wrapping its way through her, awakening her again. 

She reached up and put a hand on each of the straps of her dress. Without breaking eye contact, she pulled the dress from her body and let it drop around her feet. 

“Even more beautiful,” He reached for her hand and led her to the bed until she was sprawled across the pillowy white hotel comforter. “What do you want?” He asked gruffly, hovering above her body. 

“You,” Her eyes dropped down, the length of him pressing against her, “Inside me.”

His eyes practically rolled back at her words and he grunted in response, lowering himself to her entrance. He pressed in softly, just barely inside her and asked, “Like this?”

She shook her head and snaked her legs behind his back, her heels dug into his hard back as she tried to pull him in closer. He pushed in further, just the slightest bit and kissed her until she saw stars. “Better?”

She shook her head again and angled her hips upward, clawing at his back in an attempt to pull him further into her. “Don’t be a tease,” She whimpered, “Please, baby.” She echoed back the petname he had used earlier. It seemed to have the same effect on him as it on her. He groaned into her neck and thrust all the way into her, his pelvis knocking sweetly into her most sensitive spot. 

His biceps flexed as he held himself above her and she squeezed them, then ran her hands down his arms and across his back. His forehead was damp when he dropped to her shoulder and pulled out, leaving her feeling empty. “Fuck,” He breathed, “I’m not going to last.”

She tried to pull him back to her, but instead he grabbed her hips and rolled her over. One arm remained tucked under her stomach and he yanked her up and onto her knees. His other hand made contact with her ass, gripping her into place before he thrust back into her. She felt so full, so complete. From the bottom of her feet, to her eyelids she felt him. Each time he hit inside her, a small whimper escaped her lips. Uncontrollable. 

“I want to be able to see you,” He hissed, pulling out of her again. She rolled to her back as he moved to the edge of the bed and stood. With firm hands, he gripped her ankles and pulled her to the edge of the bed. “Do you have any idea how perfect you are?” He asked running a hand up her leg to her center. He teased her with his fingers before gripping himself and leaning forward until they were joined again. 

“You make me feel…” She started, but trailed off as his fingers worked over her again in time with his hips bucking into her. 

“What?” He asked huskily, needing to know the answer. His eyes were barely open, his face looked tortured. “What do I make you feel?” He pinched her between his fingers.

Words weren’t forming naturally for her, not while he did that at least. “So,” She breathed out and rocked into him needing to feel him even deeper, “Good.”

He growled and pushed into her deeper. Buried himself inside of her. She never wanted this feeling to end, this feeling of needing him close. This feeling that they were perfect together. Pure and dirty all at once. Unbreakable. Infinite. Impenetrable by the outside world, their own island. 

With a warm rush down her body and between her legs, she shook around him. She pulsed against him and with him as his thrusts grew more ragged and his breath shallow. His left hand gripped her knee tight and she felt him unleash inside her. 

He collapsed onto the bed and pulled her to his chest, his lips pressed to her hairline. “I have been trying really hard to wait, but I can't anymore. I have to tell you, Belly, that I-"

She felt her stomach tighten and her chest clench. 

No. 

“Conrad,” She started, her hand flat against his chest. Everything was going perfect between them. Still, her fears were like a black mist against the window, curling up the edge of the door. If he opened the door right now, it would come flooding in. Overtake them both. They were too fragile now, too new. Slow down.

“Belly,” He sighed, his heart hammering in his chest, “I–”

“Conrad,” She said again, her voice more stern this time. She felt panicky. She was sure she knew what he was going to say, and she was sure that she wasn't ready. That he, himself, wasn't ready. The moment those words left his mouth, everything would change. It would be like the clock striking midnight, their carriage would turn to a pumpkin. She'd be left standing with one shoe.

He sat up on his elbows and looked down at her, the fire that had been blazing in his eyes earlier had simmered to smoky embers. His eyes searched her face for a moment and then he dropped back down to his pillow and nodded. The sigh that followed was loaded, and when he whispered, "Okay then," his voice was so small that she wondered if she had imagined it. 

Notes:

I hope you liked it - this felt like a big chapter to write, but next chapter is even...bigger (? I have been writing one thing or another all day and can't formulate cohesive sentences now)

Shameless plugging my insta again, since I'm having so much fun connecting with you all! Follow along @redclovers.writes -- I'll keep the sneak peaks coming :)

Comments always appreciated :) I am always eager to know what you guys thought and appreciate all of your kind words more than you know.

Chapter 14: Chapter 14 - Part 1

Notes:

Hello :) This is the chapter that just kept growing...so, I have broken it into two parts.

Without further ado, Chapter 14 Part 1

Belly had squeezed her eyes shut and tried with all of her might to fall asleep. Conrad was stiff beside her, as if he was afraid to move. They had fallen into a deafening silence after she had shut him down, and it was clear that neither of them would be able to sleep. At least not peacefully. 

When she finally did fall asleep, she dreamt that they were back in Cousins. That she was swimming laps in the pool and something was chasing her, something was at her heels nipping at her feet. She ran out of the pool and straight into Susannah, who was sitting on a pool chair eating a peach. “It was just your own shadow, sweet girl.” 

When she woke, Conrad wasn’t in bed. The light in the bathroom was streaming through under the door and she could hear him moving around. When the door opened, she shut her eyes again and listened as he opened his suitcase and tied his shoes. Was he leaving? Was that it then, he was going to leave her again?

“What are you doing?” She asked, sitting up with the sheet wrapped around her body. She was still naked underneath. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she was prepared to plead with him to stay. 

“Sorry,” He replied without looking at her, “I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just going to go for a run.”

She looked at the clock on the nightstand, 5:30. Had he slept at all, she wondered. They had definitely broken Taylor’s 8 hours of rest rule, and she would certainly look like hell in the photos. 

“Okay,” She swallowed, “Be safe.”

He snorted and shook his head, “I’m just going down to the hotel gym,”

“Well, still.” She wanted to reach for him, but sensed he needed space. She had drawn a line in the sand. An unspoken line, but they both knew what he was about to say before she stopped him. She was certain he knew that she knew, too. That she had stopped him intentionally. 

“You should go back to sleep,” He answered, “You still have a few hours.”

She nodded and laid back down obediently because she wasn’t sure what else to do with herself. He didn’t say anything more, just slipped quietly out of the room. She pressed the palms of her hands into her eyes and cursed the dark circles and bags she was sure to have in the morning. Taylor was going to kill her. 

At some point, she fell back asleep. When she woke again, Conrad was sitting at the small desk in the corner of the room freshly showered, with his laptop open. “I was about to wake you up.” He said, “There’s a coffee shop across the street. I’ll walk over and get what you need. You have to be in Taylor’s room in an hour.”

“I’ll come with,” She stretched, letting her breasts fall out from under the blanket. His gaze dropped and lingered just long enough for her to notice. “I have to get enough for everyone, that’ll be a lot to carry back on your own.”

“You better shower fast then,” He said and turned back to his laptop. His shirt was clinging to his back in a way that made her want to pull him back into bed with her and make everything right again. 

 

---

 

“I’ll bring your dress up to you,” Conrad said as they took the elevator up to Taylor’s floor, their hands full of coffee carriers and a bag of pastries. They hadn’t thought through the fact that Belly would also need her dress and toiletries. 

“Thank you,” She nudged him gently, careful not to knock the coffee carrier from his hands, “I probably would’ve actually forgotten the coffee if you hadn’t something this morning.”

“Of course,"

“I had a dream about Susannah last night,” She blurted as the elevator doors opened. She wasn’t really sure why she told him, but she had felt the need to fill the silence. 

“Really?” He followed behind her down the hallways, “I used to dream about her all the time. Now it’s more…sporadic.”

“Do you think dreams mean anything?” She stopped walking and turned to him, “Like, are they an omen?”

He laughed and shook his head, “I have no idea, Belly. I think maybe they’re just our brains' way of processing information, sorting it out. Maybe it means something, maybe not.”

She nodded and started back down the hallways, stopping outside of the double doors of the bridal suite. 

“Belly–” He started, when the door flew open and Taylor appeared in a silk white robe. 

“Happy wedding day!” Belly squealed and pulled Taylor in for a hug, “I brought coffee and muffins.”

“It’s going to rain,” Taylor responded, reaching for the bag of muffins, “I can feel it.”

“We were just outside,” Belly looked to Conrad for confirmation, “The weather is perfect, it’s not going to rain.”

“Blue skies,” Conrad nodded in agreement. 

Taylor shook her head and opened the door wider, motioning for Belly to come inside. “My hair, look at my hair. It only frizzes like this before it rains.”

Belly stepped inside and then turned to Conrad who was holding the carriers of coffee out to her, “I’ll be up with your dress in a bit.”

“Thank you,” She tried to catch his eye as he stepped away, “Or, I could come down and grab it…with you.”

“It’s okay, Belly.” He nodded once, “I’ve got it.”

 

---

 

Taylor had purchased matching silk robes for all of the girls - including her mom and Laurel. Belly undressed and slipped into the robe, threw her hair into a ponytail and began steaming all of their dresses. Conrad had promptly delivered her dress and make-up bag, as promised. He had knocked on the door once, quickly handed the items over to Taylor’s cousin, Ava and disappeared before Belly could even get to the door herself.

“Is everything okay?” Taylor asked, holding the paper coffee cup closer to her chest as Emily, her other cousin wrapped her hair around a curling wand. Emily was a hair stylist and the only person that Taylor trusted to do her hair. 

“Of course,” Belly smiled and nodded to the window, “Weather still looks great, I told you.”

“And your hair is going to be perfect, either way.” Emily said. 

“No, I mean,” Taylor kicked her leg forward toward Belly, “With you. You’re like really gloomy and no offense babe, but you kind of look like shit.”

“Okay, I didn’t want to be a dick but I was going to offer you one of my eye masks. They have caffeine in them, they should help with the…puffiness.” Emily dropped the piece of Taylor’s hair she had just curled and reached behind her to fish through her make-up bag. “Here.” 

“Thanks,” Belly accepted the package of gel eye masks sheepishly and set them on top of her own make-up bag. 

“Conrad keep you up all night?” Ava asked in a sing-song voice, throwing in a wink at the end.

“Sorry,” Belly turned back to the dresses and waved the steamer over a crease. As much as she wanted to talk through what had happened the night before, she also recognized that this was not the right time or place to do so. 

After she was done with the dresses, Belly unzipped her cosmetic bag to get her skincare done before it was her turn for make-up. There was a small velvet bag on top. She recognized it right away and was so warmed that Conrad had remembered to grab it for her. 

She squeezed the pouch between her fists and held it to her chest. The bracelet that he had given her on her birthday. She pulled it out carefully and draped it across her wrist. 

Maybe she hadn’t let him say the words out loud, but hadn’t he shown her in a thousand little ways? She already knew it to be true, it was letting herself feel safe in it that was difficult. It was the act of admitting it outloud, letting the words settle between them that was scary. Love was scary. 

She had accepted that she would never know love again, not the way she had at sixteen. This summer had proven her wrong. She did know love again, and it was stronger than ever before. It was mature, it was grown, it was everlasting - if only they would let it. 

This love was new and fragile, it was exciting. She couldn’t deny its existence - not to herself. It was like a newborn baby that she wasn’t ready to let anyone else hold just yet, so she was keeping it warm against her own chest. In doing so, in trying to protect them, she had pushed Conrad away. Kept him on the other side, in the dark. 

As she fumbled with the clasp of the bracelet that had once been Susannah’s, she vowed to work as hard as she needed to knock down that door and let Conrad into her warmth. 

 

---

 

“Will someone make sure that the girls know we’re here?” Steven asked as they pulled up in front of the church, “Taylor will kill me if I accidentally see her.”

Jeremiah nudged Conrad in the ribs, “Call Belly, Con.”

Conrad looked toward the church doors. John had already called Laurel on their five minute drive to the church to let them know they were on their way over and had been assured the girls were in their dressing room and there was no chance Steven and Taylor would see each other. He didn’t quite understand what the big deal was, anyways. Nor did he really feel like calling Belly and pretending like everything was fine. 

How did he explain that now, though? It wouldn’t be fair to make this day about him or Belly. Even if that wasn’t the case, he wasn’t even sure how to begin to explain how he was feeling. Hurt? Sure, but he also knew that wasn’t her intention. He knew that she cared. He knew that what they had was good. He was frustrated. He was annoyed. No matter what he did, it felt like he just kept hitting a brick wall with her over and over. 

“I can call Laurel again,” John said, eyeing Conrad in the rearview mirror when he hadn’t responded. 

“Sorry,” Conrad grabbed his phone from the pocket of his tux, “I’ll call Belly. She’s probably right next to Taylor.”

The phone rang twice before she answered, almost breathless, “Conrad?” 

“Hey,” He cleared his throat and looked back to the church as if he would catch a glimpse of her in the window, “We’re out front. Are we clear to walk in?”

“Um,” She let out a breath, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll keep the bride hidden away here. Do you guys know where to go?” She paused and listened as Taylor relayed something to her, “Taylor said just go to the left when you walk in the main doors. There’s a nursery you guys can wait in. Until it’s time.”

“Okay,” He was about to hang up when she blurted, “Maybe I should meet you guys by the front doors. To make sure you don’t get…lost.”

“Sure,” He nodded and hung up.

When they walked through the double doors of the church, Belly was waiting there as promised. Her hair was twisted back into a low bun, loose curls cascading out and around her face. While the dress she wore the day before had stirred up a primal pull of want, the dress she wore today was eliciting something more pure from him. It was a silky one-shoulder dress, he wasn’t sure how to describe the color. Apricot maybe. Pale yellowy-beige like a glass of bubbling champagne. It was so pale it was almost bridal. The kind of color you can’t wear to a wedding unless instructed to by the bride herself.

He wanted to grab her hands and kiss her face. Promise to always be true to her, straight to his core. 

He didn’t know what any of it meant. He thought that she felt the same, but realized now he may have been entirely wrong. It was possible, he had realized for the first time early that morning, that she would never want the same things that he did. Maybe she would never tell him that she loved him or allow him to fully love her.

Beyond his career, he hadn’t ever allowed himself to think much of his future. Where he would be or who he would be with. He would be a successful doctor, he would help his patients. That was as far as it went for him until this summer. Now he was envisioning Belly in white, her hair on his pillow every morning. Holidays and brunches. Summers in Cousins, always. A big house with room to grow. 

Maybe she never wanted to get married. Maybe what had happened between her and his brother had soured her to the idea of it - if so, he could live with that. It wasn’t important. He just wanted to be with her – fully. He wanted to love her and be loved by her. He wanted to give her the world, but she wouldn’t let him. 

This was all sullied by the memories of how their night had ended. The way she had said his name, a sharp warning. Panic had danced through her dark eyes, a silent plea for him to retreat and leave things as they were. 

But fuck it, if seeing her like this didn’t make him imagine her walking down the aisle to him one day. He wasn’t sure if it was better to foster this hope, or extinguish it before it burned him to the ground. 

“You look beautiful,” John said, embracing his only daughter. Everyone was sentimental today. Even Laurel, who usually held her emotions tight, had teared up whens he saw Steven in his tux. 

“Oh wow,” Belly said, turning toward Steven and throwing her arms around his shoulders, “You’re a real groom!”

“How is she?” Steven asked when Belly released him. 

“Glowing,” Belly beamed, “And surprisingly calm.”

Steven let out a shaky breath and shook his hands out in front of him, “Can we start already?”

“The ceremony isn’t for another hour,” Conrad smirked and Belly’s eyes landed on him as if she was seeing him for the first time. He wondered if he, too, looked like a groom to her. 

“Your hair,” She said to him in greeting, “You got it trimmed. And you shaved.”

He put a hand on his face, and scratched at his cheek. He had snuck off to the barber to get cleaned up that morning, figuring it was time to move past his overgrown summer look. “Yeah,”

“You look very nice,” She smiled, “Handsome.”

“You look…” He glanced down the hallway, the guys had started to walk away, “Very beautiful, Belly.”

She smiled shyly and looked away. Last night he had been on his knees with his mouth on her. She hadn’t been shy then as she held her dress up and her legs open. 

He really couldn’t bear this, the back and forth. The pulling away. Eventually, he figured, he could grow to accept it. She was all that he wanted, he could give up his plans for their future if only it meant he got to keep her in his life. He had tasted life without her and it was bitter. 

At that moment though–in the church, dressed for a wedding with the word love pressed to the roof of his mouth like taffy–he couldn’t concede. He couldn’t sweep it under the rug just yet and pretend like he was fine.

“There’s time,” She started and he squinted his eyes towards her, wondering if she had been reading his mind, “Before the ceremony.” He nodded once as she continued, “I thought we could go over our speeches for tonight together, I could use a practice run.”

“Oh,” He looked away and sighed, feeling pulled toward her and half appreciating her attempt to spend time together, “I’m going to wing it actually.”

It was better to collect his thoughts on his own. If he was left alone with her again, he couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t say it. That he wouldn’t press her against the wall, silence her with a kiss and tell her that she’s the moon in his sky. He’s in love with her, always and forever. For better or for worse. 

“You?” She looked like she wanted to laugh, “You’re going to wing your best man speech?”

“Yeah,” He nodded and tipped his head down the hallway, toward the library the girls were finishing getting ready in, “And I’m sure Laurel would be better suited to help with that.”

Belly turned and nodded, they watched as Laurel walked down the hallway toward them. Her hair was blown out and she looked elegant in a dress so blue that it reminded Conrad of the beach in Cousins. He wondered if she had thought that too, when she picked it out. 

“Belly,” Laurel said softly, “Taylor is looking for you. The photographer is here and they want to do some group shots.”

She turned back to Conrad and gave him a small smile, as if she was waiting for him to object to her leaving. He didn’t say anything at all, but didn’t pull away when she reached for his hand and laced their fingers together. Despite himself, he gave her a hand a small squeeze and said, “I’ll see you soon.”

---

 

“It’s not too much?” Taylor asked, adjusting her veil nervously in the hallway leading up to the church doors. Her dad gave Belly an exasperated look and she smiled to herself. 

Taylor looked stunning, in a fashionable creamy dress with intricate beading across the bodice and a halter neck. The veil they had picked out the day before pulled the whole look together. She looked both effortless and glam, which Belly had come to know as classic Taylor. She was the only person that Belly knew that could look perfectly curated and like she wasn’t trying at all at the same time. 

“You look absolutely perfect, Taylor.” Belly assured her, “Everything is perfect. You’re the most gorgeous bride.”

Jeremiah and Conrad were waiting by the double doors for them, a light piano procession escaping through the doors. Belly felt a swell of emotion rise to her chest, like she was about to be a part of something important. It was that feeling you only get on a big occasion. This was it, the moment Steven and Taylor would be married. It was a dream. 

Ava, the other bridesmaid walked up to Jere and looped her arm around his the way Mrs. Jewel had instructed them. Belly turned back to Taylor and wrapped her arms around her in a gentle hug, careful not to disturb her veil, “I’m so happy for you, my sister.”

“You’re going to make me cry,” Taylor waved her hands over her face and shook her head at her best friend. Belly hadn’t understood when she was younger and her mom had tried to explain to her the importance of her best friend. She understood now, though. Taylor had been with her through all of her ups and downs, had cheered her on for her highest moments and put her in her place when necessary. 

It was Taylor who had helped Belly put back the pieces of her life after everything had happed with Jeremiah. Taylor who had helped her pack her bags to study abroad and encouraged her to find herself and learn to be alone. It was Taylor who she had called long distance after her first date in Spain, when she had wanted to call Conrad. “You can’t do that, not unless you’re really ready.”   Taylor had told her and she had been right. 

“Belly.” Conrad whispered and nodded toward the double doors, someone had opened them. The music blared lounder into the hallway as the doors opened, Taylor and her dad still standing out of view. Belly squeezed Taylor’s hand one last time and walked to Conrad’s side. She exhaled a sharp breath through her mouth as she reached for his arm. 

She wasn’t sure when it had happened, if it had always been this way or if it had developed over the summer. Conrad felt like home. Her anxious, hummingbird heart calmed when their arms interlocked and he pulled her into him, his tight grip as if to say- I have you . Wasn’t that all she ever wanted? She had always wanted him, even when she shouldn’t have. 

She had longed for him for years, her heart and her mind agreeing on one thing. He was missing from her life. She had lived with a hole in the shape of Conrad. She had tried to fill it, but nothing, no one, ever fit. 

They watched Jeremiah and Ava walk up the aisle, and started their own processional when they reached the pew that Mrs. Jewel had instructed them to use as a marker. Conrad’s arm seemed to be shaking under her hand. She glanced up at him as they were about to part at the altar and noticed that his eyes were red rimmed and glossy. When their eyes met, he gave her a tight smile and then pursed his lips together and went to stand beside Steven. 

Belly tore her eyes from Conrad to watch as Taylor walked up the aisle. She looked angelic, the vision of a bride. Steven was wiping at his eyes, both him and Taylor absolutely beaming as they joined hands. 

Belly glanced behind Steven and met Conrad’s eyes. He was still looking at her. When their eyes met, his eyebrows knit together. She smiled at him softly,  wanting to silently convey to him that she was still here. She cared. She wanted him. His adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, then gave her a half smile, crooked across his face. It was enough to set off a dozen fireworks at once, a tingle from the button of her feet to the crown of her head. She was sure that she was blushing. 

He looked away and kept his eyes on Taylor and Steven as they exchanged their vows and slipped rings on each other’s fingers. It’s not something she could say she was proud of, but she couldn’t focus on the rest of the ceremony. She was too distracted by Conrad’s presence, by what she was sure he could have said to her the night before if she had just let him. 

“I now pronounce you, Mr and Mrs Conklin!” The minister announced, “You may kiss your bride.”

Steven swept Taylor into his arms, earning cheers from all of their guests and the wedding party. It was a sweet and beautiful ceremony, of that Belly was sure. She just didn’t remember any part of it other than the way Conrad’s eyes crinkled when he smiled or how utterly handsome he looked in a tux. Like a wedding cake topper, that’s how perfect he was. 

There must be something wrong with her, she thought as they joined arms and walked out of the church, to have stopped him from saying the one thing she had waited years to hear again. 

“I’m going to ride with Jere and your dad back to the reception, okay?” He had said to her after they had finished photos at the church. She agreed quietly and went to find Laurel. All the while, pieces clicked into place in her mind. 

At what point can the hope start to outweigh the fear? She had been dragging along her heartbreak and cynicism like some kind of backwards talisman for years. It was time to find a way to rid herself of it, to grab onto something worth keeping. 

 

---

 

Conrad had slipped away again during cocktail hour. She had hoped that he would want to stay close to her and mingle through the crowd together. If not for the fact that they were a couple, maybe at least because they were maid of honor and best man. Which, Belly figured, kind of left them responsible for greeting and mingling with guests until Taylor and Steven returned from finishing their photos. 

Taylor had sent out a detailed itinerary, which Belly had already referenced twice. Cocktail hour was to be exactly one hour long. Then, there was the grand entrance, dinner would be served, speeches, cake, first dances and so forth. 

“Hi, Isabel,” Her great Aunt Hilda stopped her with a cold, wrinkled hand on her arm as she walked past, “My god doesn’t she look darling.” Hilda turned to the table behind her of great aunts from the Conklin side of the family. With their matching gray bouffant hair and pungent perfume. It seemed to Belly as if they had been the same age her entire life. 

“Hey,” Belly accepted a hug from each of her great aunts, her eyes still scanning the room for any sign of Conrad. 

“Now,” Her Aunt Sylvia, the oldest of the aunts, started, “Your dad says you’re teaching?”

“I’m a guidance counselor,” Belly smiled.

“Oh, good for you dear!” Aunt Hilda leaned in, “Goodness your brother looked handsome, so grown up. I remember when the two of you were this tall,” She waved her hand down by her knees, “And would come pick apples out at my house in the fall, do you remember that?”

Before she could answer Aunt Sylvia cut in, “Now what about you? Do you have a special man in your life?”

“I’m sure you’ve gotten past that awful thing that happened.” Ah, there it was. 

“Yes,” Belly clucked her tongue and finally spotted Conrad across the room, talking with Laurel, “I definitely have.”

“Best to put that behind you,” Sylvia said with a firm nod of her head, “You know my Joanie had a wedding that was called off, too. Took her years to get over it.”

“Look at her, beautiful young woman. I’m sure she’s moved on. Haven’t you, Isabel?”

“Yes,” Belly repeated again, eyes not leaving Conrad. 

“Do you have a date tonight, then?” One of the aunts asked.

“I do,” She nodded, “Conrad Fisher, Steven’s best man. He’s my…” She realized then that even though they had only been officially back together for less than two months, the word boyfriend didn’t even seem sufficient for what he was to her, “Boyfriend.” 

She couldn’t explain this to her great aunts, she couldn’t even explain it to herself. Conrad was her boyfriend. But he was also…more? Not on technical terms, not in a way that she could quantify or explain to anyone outside her own head. He was everything. He was who her heart had been calling for, incessantly, over and over and being with him was like coming home after being away for far too long. 

He understood her. He saw her, and what a rare thing that was. To be see. Truly and actually seen as you are. 

“Wow,” Sylvia exclaimed, “he’s very handsome.”

“I can see it,” Hilda nodded, “The two of you looked great together walking up the aisle.”

“He’s great,” Belly nodded and then placed a hand on Hilda’s shoulder and turned to all the aunts, “It’s so great to see you guys. If you’ll excuse me, I just remembered…Taylor asked me to do something.”

Her eyes darted back around the room, she let out a long sigh of relief when she found Conrad still in the corner talking to Laurel. 

She made her way across the room toward her mom and Conrad. He was mumbling something to her as Belly approached. He eyed her skeptically, as if he wasn’t quite sure what to make of her and then offered her a tight smile. She was being regarded as a wild animal that might bite. As if he wanted to reach out for her, but wasn’t sure if it was safe. 

“What are you two whispering about?” Belly asked, trying to keep the tone light. 

Conrad nodded across the room, “I didn’t think my dad would actually show.”

“Oh” Belly turned and looked across the room, spotting Adam and a younger brunette talking to Jeremiah, “Adam is here.”

She hadn’t seen Adam since the day of her own almost wedding. He had reamed into her and Jeremiah about the embarrassment, waste of money and time, and general immaturity. No one had ever yelled at her like that before, and she kept waiting for Jeremiah to speak up and defend her. He never did. Instead he nodded in agreement when Adam shook a finger in his direction and said, ‘I told you that you should stay away from her.’

She was aware of the way Conrad’s fists clenched at his sides and the way his jaw locked tight as he watched Adam across the room. She placed a hand softly on the middle of his back and he exhaled and looked down at her. 

“You okay?” She whispered and he nodded twice.

“I’m fine,” He slipped a hand around her back, resting it on the side of her hip and pulling her closer into him. The warmth of his hand through her dress was enough to release a thousand butterflies from their cage and into the cavity of her chest. 

“Adam,” Laurel said in greeting when he made his way across the room toward the trio, “Thank you for coming.”

“Of course,” Adam smiled tersely toward Laurel and then nodded at Conrad, “Son,”

“I didn’t know you’d be coming.” Conrad said, his grip on Belly’s hip tightening. 

“You kidding, little Conklin getting married. We’re all family, of course I wouldn’t miss it,” Belly saw Laurel’s smile tighten in the corner of her eye the way it always did when she was biting her tongue. Adam had never been around, not when they were kids and certainly not when they were teenagers or adults. Even when they were just little kids, it had always seemed to her like Adam  was counting down the minutes until he could leave. She had always hated his ability to make his sons sad. The power he didn’t even seem to know or care that he had, how thoughtlessly he wielded it. 

“I’m Laurel, you must be Adam’s girlfriend,” Laurel extended her hand out toward the brunette on Adam’s arm and looked to Adam to make the introduction. 

“Fiance,” Adam corrected quickly, “This is Lydia. Laurel is the mother of the groom.”

“And the maid of honor,” Conrad said, apparently taking notice of the fact that Adam had ignored Belly, “Lydia, this is my girlfriend, Isabel.”

“Oh!” Lydia turned to her with a wide, genuine smile, “It’s so great to meet you! Both of you!”

“You too,” Belly smiled and pulled away from Conrad momentarily to accept the side hug that Lydia was offering, “Belly is fine, that’s what pretty much everyone here calls me.”

“Girlfriend?” Adam asked, looking between Laurel and Conrad as if one of them would have to explain to him. He still hadn’t acknowledged Belly. 

“About time, right?” Laurel said and nudged Conrad’s shoulder lightly, “It’s great to see our kids so happy. Don’t you think, Adam?”

“Well, I think it’s great.” Lydia answered after a beat, “And it’s so great to meet you, Laurel. I know how important you are to the boys.”

“Conrad,” Adam said with a clipped tone and nodded toward the bar, “Can I talk to you?”

Conrad clicked his tongue once and clenched his jaw tight. “Fine.”

He pulled away from Belly and kissed the side of her face. It was the most she had gotten from him all day. She was craving his touch so much that she didn’t even care that it was just to spite Adam.

“Well,” Laurel sighed as they walked away, “Thank you for coming, Lydia. If you’ll excuse me, I have to–” She pointed across the room, “Check on something with the caterers.”

“Of course,” Lydia smiled and then looked toward Belly with hopeful eyes. Belly gave Laurel a quick glare, annoyed that she was now left alone to field awkward small talk with Adam’s fiance. 

“It was great of you guys to come,” Belly said to fill the silence, “I’m sure Steven will be happy to see Adam.” A lie. Adam was invited out of obligation and she was sure that no one would have guessed he would actually show up. 

“He had said how great it would be to have everyone together again,” Lydia nodded, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but has…” She looked behind her, “Has Conrad mentioned to you if he’s decided about coming to our wedding?”

“Oh,” Belly shook her head, “I’m sorry he hasn’t mentioned it.”

“No problem,” Lydia smiled, “I know it’s strange for him. But, you would be more than welcome to join if he decides to come.”

“Thank you,” Belly glanced in the direction that Conrad and Adam had gone, hoping to catch them coming back. 

“Oh honey,” Lydia reached over and touched Belly’s arm softly, “Don’t worry about me. I’m going to find our table, you go mingle. You’re the maid of honor, after all.”

 

---

 

“This is really not a good time, dad.” Conrad said as he followed Adam to the courtyard, “It’s Steven’s wedding day and if you haven’t noticed, I’m the best man. Whatever you have to say to me, you can save for when I’m in Boston next week.”

“Well Conrad, you aren’t exactly easy to get a hold of. Janice has been emailing you about the wedding for months and you can’t even give the courtesy of declining.” Adam huffed out once they were outside.  

“You know, most fathers reach out to their children directly and not through their assistant.” Conrad said with a clipped tone, “I met you for lunch, I agreed to let Lydia help me find my apartment. Wasn’t that enough? I mean, over the past few years we see each other…maybe once or twice a year. So, I don’t really know what your problem is all of a sudden.”

He knew he was being an asshole and he didn’t care. He was so sick of his father’s smug face, of his ability to appear in and out of people’s life as he pleased. It was always on his terms.

“Do you really think this thing is a good idea? Between you and Belly? I knew you were bullshitting me when you said she was just a friend.”

Conrad laughed and shook his head, “Un-fucking-believable.”

“Excuse me?” Adam scolded, as if he were talking to an unruly teenager. 

“You think that you’re going to show up to my best friend’s wedding to lecture me about my life and question my decisions.” Conrad turned to walk back inside, then thought better of it and turned back to his dad, “You know what? You’re a fucking asshole. You’re an old fucking asshole who never deserved my mother. I have worked pretty much every day of my life to be nothing like you.”

“Well, congratulations son. You aren’t me.” Adam said coldly, “You better be careful with Belly. She flaked on your brother, what makes you think you’ll be any different? Be smart with your assets, is all I’m going to say.”

“We aren’t doing this here.” Conrad turned to walk away again, this time committed to getting as far away from his father as possible. 

“Don’t be ignorant, Conrad.” Adam said to his back.

Conrad stopped and turned around one last time, pointed his finger out toward his father and said, “Stop acting like you know Belly because you sort of knew her when she was a kid. Maybe if you had held Jeremiah accountable for the shit he pulled with her, he wouldn’t be the mess that he is today. But your head has always been too far up your own ass for you to ever be a real father. We’re done.”

He walked through the doors into the reception hall and almost crashed straight into Belly. 

“I’ve been looking for you,” She said, steadying herself on his shoulders. 

“Here I am.” His hands were still shaking with rage and adrenaline. His father was the only person who had ever brought him this far down to the pits of his anger. He hated who he could become when he was around Adam. 

“Is everything alright?” Belly asked and then glanced out to the courtyard, “With Adam?”

“Yeah,” He ran a hand through his hair and looked around the rehearsal hall, “They should be back for their grand entrance soon.” 

He needed to get away from Belly until he had calmed himself down. The last thing he wanted to do was express his frustration about the night before while he was still reeling from his altercation with Adam. 

“Right,” Belly agreed and Conrad started to walk away, she caught him by the forearm, “Can we talk? I think, I…” She let out a breath, “I just need to talk to you. In private.”

“Oh,” Conrad searched her face for any clue, “I don’t think right now is a good time.”

“Conrad, just–” She was looking at him, a frantic look in her eyes. The same look he had seen last night. “Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t shut me out.”

The amount of relief that washed through his body at her words. Confirmation that she was still here, too. She wasn’t on the same page as him, she didn’t love him. But she wasn’t leaving.

“Belly,” He shook his head and grabbed her forearm, pulled her to the hallway gently, “I’m not shutting you out. You’re the one shutting me out.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do, I just–”

“What?”

She let out a frustrated sigh and motioned between them, “I don’t want to mess this up.”

“You don’t know what you want, Belly.” Conrad cut her off and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I am here and I’m not going anywhere. But you need to figure out what you want.”

“Conrad–” She started but he stopped her with a wave of his hand. 

“I have spent so much time, so many years lamenting over what went wrong between us. What I could have done differently. I fucked up back then, I fucked up so badly. All that I wanted was you, but I thought you would be better without me. So I held my tongue and I walked out of that motel. I stopped fighting for you.”

“That was so long ago, I thought we were leaving that behind us.”

“We’re trying.” He shook his head, “But all of that taught me a lesson, Belly. An important one. I had a lot of time, a lot of time , to think about what I would do differently with you. And you know what it all comes down to?”

She shook her head once and waited for him to continue. 

“We fell apart because I was too afraid to tell you how I felt.” He looked down, “And so I swore that if I ever had the chance again, I wouldn’t let a minute - not even a second - pass without you knowing what you mean to me. That you’re everything. I’m really trying here, Belly. But you keep pushing me away, you keep this wall up and I really need you to let me in. I really need to know what you want.”

“I–” 

“What are you two doing out here? Everyone is waiting for you to get in, it’s time for the grand entrance.” Laurel was motioning for them to hurry up. Conrad turned and started to follow her back into the reception hall. He was relieved for the opportunity to get away from this conversation. 

“Conrad, wait,” Belly pleaded. 

He looked back at her with soft eyes, “We can’t do this here. Just–” He sighed, “I think we just need a little space, and we need to be present today for Taylor and Steven. It’s my fault, okay? I shouldn’t have even said anything last night.”

“What were you going to say?” She asked softly, eyes toward the floor. They had stopped walking, Laurel was giving them an exasperated look from the doorway. 

“I think you already know.” He whispered and then watched her face, her eyes slowly raised to his. His heart was pounding through his ears. The moment was laced with questions and unsung answers. It couldn’t have been more than two seconds before Laurel called for them again, but somehow it felt like a full hour had passed.  

“Come on,” Laurel chided them.

“It’s fine, Belly.” Conrad motioned toward Laurel, “We have to go.”

 

---

 

They were seated at the head table and had just finished dinner. Belly was seated next to Taylor, and Conrad next to Steven. They hadn’t had a chance to talk again, the air between them still felt thick. 

She felt entirely unsettled and anxious to make things right. She knew what she wanted, she just wasn’t sure how to let herself be vulnerable. It felt like she was trying to lunge herself over a tall fence, unsure of what she would fall into on the other side. Mud? Deep water? 

She looked to her right, leaned her head back so that she could see Conrad behind Steven and took a breath. Would he catch her if she jumped? Would they each be strong enough to face whatever came next without hurting one another? To make it last? That was all that she wanted, to never have to live without him again. 

Steven stood and clinked the side of his glass. Someone handed him a wireless microphone, and Belly felt her heart flutter. She had always hated public speaking, but it was almost time for her maid of honor speech. 

“I wanted to thank everyone for being here today.” Steven started, one of his hands rested on Taylor’s back, “We couldn’t have asked for a more perfect wedding day, and it means the world to us that so many of you are here to support us. Before I turn it over for the rest of the speeches, I do have a surprise to share.”

Belly looked to Taylor to see if she was in on it, but she looked equally as confused and delighted. Steven reached under the table and produced a small, rectangular box in shiny white wrapping.

“Taylor, you pulled this whole day together and brought our vision to life. I couldn’t imagine a more beautiful day. I wanted to be the one to plan something for once.” Taylor smiled at him and laughed, “Go on,” He placed the box in her hands and she slowly unwrapped the packaging and lifted open the box. 

“Oh!” She exclaimed, pulling out a piece of paper, “Our honeymoon!”

“We’re leaving tonight!” Steven announced. Taylor stood and wrapped her arms around him.

Taylor reached for the mic and held up her gift, “We’re going to Paris!” 

“Everyone please stick around, I have a whole send off planned tonight. We’ll leave from the front of the hotel at 11. We have the space, music, and drinks free flowing until midnight so please stick around after we leave.”

“I can’t believe you!” Taylor squealed again and kissed Steven, earning an applause from their guests, “You really had me believing we were going to have to wait until next year.”

“I wanted to surprise you!”

“Did you know?” She asked Belly, who stood to give her a hug. 

“No way, you two have no secrets. I didn’t tell anyone except our moms.” Steven replied and accepted a hug from Belly, “You’re up.” 

She accepted the microphone with a heavy sigh and pulled out her wrinkled notebook paper from her clutch. “Hi,” Her voice reverberated around the room, “I don’t have any surprise trips planned, so I’m not sure how to follow that. But, with Steven as my older brother that has kind of been a running theme in my life. Trying to follow him and knowing that my feet will never be big enough to fill his shoes.”

She swallowed once and shook her head, skimmed her notes and then set the paper down, “And then there’s Taylor. My best friend, who I am somehow now lucky enough to call my sister. Throughout the years, when people find out that my best friend and my brother are together I usually get the same reaction. It’s always something along the lines of ‘ooh, that could end badly for you’ followed by a cautionary tale. The truth is, I never had that fear when it came to Taylor and Steven, 

“From the moment that Steven and Taylor got together, it was clear that they are meant to be. They bring out the best in each other, they support one another, respect one another and they have so much fun together. I grew up surrounded by boys and always dreamt of having a sister. I have found that sisterhood in Taylor for as long as I can remember, and I couldn’t be more excited to finally, officially welcome my new sister to the family. Here is to you both - my big brother and my best friend. Two of the greatest people that I know. I am so honored to have watched your journey together, to stand here beside you today and for all the years to come. I love you both so much.”

She hugged them each tightly, “I love you, sis.” Steven whispered and kissed the side of her head. When they pulled away she smiled at Conrad and handed him the microphone. 

He cleared his throat once and flexed his hands before beginning. Of course, even without having actually written something, he sounded as if he had been practicing all summer. 

“I’m Conrad, as I’m sure you have gathered I’m the best man.” He began, “I have been friends with Steven our whole lives. Our moms were best friends and raised us to be the same. We grew up together, spent all our summers at the beach. Those are, by far, the best days of my life. The four of us and our moms…I was the oldest, so everyone always looked at me to be the leader. Somewhere along the line though, I have to say, our roles reversed. Because Steven has been my role model, my confidant, and the person I look up to most.” 

Conrad brought the mic away from his face for a moment as if he was trying to collect himself, “And you know, Taylor was Belly’s friend and she would always come and spend some time during the summer with us. I never thought much of it, until one summer I noticed that Steven was looking at her differently. I knew that look, I had…experienced it myself” He chuckled, “He was a goner. But so was Taylor and I have to say, I have never been around a couple more intune to each other. You guys have it figured out. Um,” He took a shaky breath and looked toward Belly for a split second, “Someone wise once told me they couldn’t marry someone who didn’t give them fireworks. There’s that rare, electric feeling that you only get once in your life. Only if you’re lucky. When you find that person, you grab on tight. That’s what Steven and Taylor have done today, and I am so happy for you both. Cheers to the Conklins!”

There were tears streaming down Belly’s cheeks when he finished. He remembered and he had felt it, too. The fireworks. That was the first moment, of many more to come, that she realized that it all meant just as much to him as it did to her. That made it a little less scary.

Notes:

Chapter 14 Part 2 will very likely be out later today or early tomorrow. It was finished and ready to be posted as one extra long chapter, and then I realized a key missing scene (that I think you will all thank me for) so rather than waiting for that to be complete, I decided to break it into two parts.

I know Part 1 is a little rough and these two have some big things to figure out... I promise, happy endings only and Part 2 will be well worth the wait.

As always - I truly appreciate you all reading along and being a part of this story with me. I'm very excited for what is to come.

Chapter 15: Chapter 14 - Part 2

Notes:

Chapter 14 - Part 2

:)

'When you're young, you just run
But you come back to what you need

This love is good
This love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead, 
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me, 

This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark, 
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me, 

This love came back to me'
-This Love, Taylor Swift

 

 

After dinner had wrapped up, the dance floor opened and everyone gathered around for the first dance. Belly was standing between Conrad and Ava. She wanted to lean

into him as they watched Taylor and Steven sway across the dance floor but his body was positioned away from her. 

As their first dance ended, Steven stepped away from Taylor and walked up the platform to the microphone. He whispered something to the DJ and then said, “Okay, one last surprise. Don’t kill me, Taylor.”

He hopped down and grabbed her hand just as Party In The USA started through the speakers. “No way,” Belly laughed and nudged Conrad, who was smiling and clapping along with everyone else, “I can’t believe they remember this still.”

“There are some things you can’t forget, Belly.” He answered back without looking at her. 

When the song ended, Taylor grabbed the side of Steven’s face and pulled him to her for a sloppy kiss. 

“Alright everyone,” The DJ announced, “Now is the time in the night where we ask all the single ladies to join us on the dance floor. If there’s not a ring on your finger yet, I’m talking to you. That’s right, it’s time for the bouquet toss.”

“Go on, Belly!” Ava laughed and shoved her toward the dance floor. She looked toward where Conrad had been standing, but he was gone. It was just a silly tradition, yet she still felt like an imposter. If the tradition was that whoever caught the bouquet would be next down the aisle and she was in this weird place of limbo with Conrad, tonight of all nights, wouldn’t it be best to sit this one out?

“Come on!” Taylor grabbed her by the forearm and pulled her to the center of the dance floor, “You better catch this damn thing, Belly.”

She laughed and gave Taylor a look. Of course she could play along for the bride, for her best friend. 

Although it would have been serendipitous and straight out of a Rom-com, she didn’t catch the bouquet. She smiled and clapped as one of Taylor’s friends from work caught the bouquet with a loud, happy cheer. She ran toward the bar, waving the flowers in her boyfriend’s face. 

Belly made her way to the bar and ordered two shots of tequila. Although a part of her suspected that Conrad wouldn’t mind, she also figured adding the question - even if just in jest - of marriage to the air of discomfort between them wouldn’t be a great idea. Not when she was trying to find a way to clean up her mess. When she found Conrad he was sitting at an empty table with a glass of water, “Is this seat taken?”

He shook his head, but didn’t look at her. 

“Want to take a shot?” She set the second shot glass in front of him and sat in the empty chair. 

“I’m not drinking tonight,” Conrad looked behind her. 

“Okay,” She ran her finger along the rim of the shot glass in front of her, “Your speech was…” He looked at her for the first time. The room stopped moving around them when their eyes met and she felt something warm wash through her body. Peace. She found peace with him. “It was really beautiful.” 

“Yours was nice, too.” He took a sip of his water. 

“The thing about the fireworks,” She shook her head, “You remembered. That was so long ago.”

He turned his chair toward her, she noticed his hand twitch as if he was fighting the instinct to touch her, “I remember everything when it comes to you.”

She remembered everything, too. Everytime he had kissed her, touched her, unraveled her. Every firework that had erupted inside her just from being near him, just from holding his gaze. To be his was all she had ever wanted. She had chased what she had with him at 16 for her entire adult life, no man ever measuring up to the first boy she loved. Impossibly, against reason, it was even better now. She was even deeper in love with him than she would have ever thought possible. 

“I’ve never felt that way with anyone else,” She blurted out, “I actually…” He knit his eyebrows together and studied her face as she thought out her next words, “I started to think that maybe I had made it up.”

“Made what up?” He asked.

“The way I feel when I’m with you. I started to think it had just been in my head, that…it hadn’t been real.” She brought her shot glass to her lips and threw her head back, leaned into the way it burned her throat and then warmed her chest, “It was easier to pretend that it hadn’t been real, that made it hurt less. That made it easier to move forward with my life because I never thought that this” She pointed to the space between them, “Would happen again.”

He nodded once, “It did though, Belly. I’m right here.”

“I am too.” The crowd on the dance floor erupted, singing along to a familiar song and they both looked in that direction. 

“We can’t do this right now,” He stood abruptly and grabbed his glass from the table, “This isn’t the right time. I just need to breathe tonight.”

“Okay,” She wasn’t sure what else to say so she watched him walk away. 

 

---

 

“Hey Bells,” Jeremiah greeted her as she approached the bar with two empty shot glasses. 

“Hey,” She hoped her smile didn’t look as fake as it felt, “Need another?”

He held up his empty glass and nodded, “Sure, whatever you’re having.”

She ordered them each a whiskey coke, against her better judgment. Whiskey always made her emotional. Jeremiah had spent most of the night on his own near the bar, likely sinking into his feelings about his relationship with Sam ending. She didn’t have it in her to feel bad for him. 

“This was a nice wedding,” He said and then chuckled to himself, “I mean, they actually went through with it so they have us beat there.”

“Jesus,” Belly shook her head and took a long sip of her drink. If not for humor and history she wasn’t sure she would be able to be friends with him still. 

“Do you ever think about it?” Jeremiah asked, looking over toward Steven and Taylor on the dance floor.

“About what?” Belly asked, turning her glass in her hands. She was starting to feel buzzed. 

“What would have happened if we had gone through with it?” He asked without looking at her.

“No,” She answered honestly and without having to think about it. A weight had been lifted from her shoulders when they had called off the wedding. It was the greatest relief of her life. She hadn’t even fully realized how badly she didn’t want to be married to him, or even be with him at all, until it was all over. She hadn’t spent much time looking back, at least not toward that particular Fisher. When her eyes were in the rearview, they were focused on Conrad. They always had been. “Do you?”

“Not really,” He chuckled, “That’s probably the sign that we did the right thing.”

“Yeah,” Belly nodded, “We definitely did.”

“I mean, that and the fact that you’re completely in love with my brother.” He gave her a knowing look, “It’s really obvious, Bells. To everyone except Conrad.”

“It’s really fucking scary,” She declared, “to love someone.”

“I think it’s meant to be a little scary,” Jeremiah said, “Just don’t make the mistake that I did. Don’t blow up your life because you’re scared. Face it. Look at those two,” He pointed his now empty glass toward Taylor and Steven, “You think it wasn’t scary for them? But they faced it, and now look. It was worth it, it paid off.”

“If your nerve deny you, go above your nerve.” Belly whispered to herself, recalling one of Susannah’s poetry books she had read over the summer. Emily Dickinson. 

“What?” Jeremiah asked, unable to hold in his laugh, “How many have you had?”

“Thanks Jere, I need to go talk to your brother.” She set the glass down on the edge of the bar and walked away in the direction she had last seen Conrad. 

 

---

 

“Hey, kid.” Cleveland greeted Conrad as he sat down next to him, “Why aren’t you out on the dance floor with your girl?”

“Uh,” Conrad grumbled and shook his head, “It’s been a day.”

“Do tell,” Cleveland leaned back into his chair and turned toward Conrad like a talk show host waiting for their guest to dish. It was easy to talk to Cleveland, he had a way of pulling words out of Conrad and making him feel normal. He hadn’t known it when he had first agreed to work with him as a teenager, but the man had become a close friend and trusted fixture in his life. 

“I don’t even know, man.” Conrad snorted and resisted the urge to go to the bar and grab them each a beer, “Things are so good between us. Sometimes I forget that the relationship is so new, because I’ve always known her. I’ve always loved her.”

“Yeah,” Cleveland nodded, “It makes sense. She isn’t some girl you just met, you have history.”

“But I don’t know if she sees it that way,” He shook his head and clarified, “Sees me that way.”

“You know what I think?” Cleveland pressed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Enlighten me.”

“You overthink everything and you worry to god damn much,” He motioned across the room, “She’s barely looked away from you all night.”

“I’m hanging on to my last shred of dignity. I can’t pour my heart out to her again and be shut down.”

Cleveland tapped his fingers against the table as if he was thinking of how to respond and looked across the room for a moment before looking back over at Conrad. 

“I don’t think you should see it that way. There are some things in life that need to be said out loud, love is one of those things. If you never tell someone how you feel, that moment might slip away from you.” He looked away again for a moment, “You should know that by now. Isn’t that what happened before?”

Conrad sucked a breath through his lips and nodded. That was exactly what he had been trying to explain to Belly earlier. “But I don’t know what she wants.”

“You can never be certain of what another person wants, Conrad.” Cleveland answered, “Love is a risk no matter the circumstances. But, isn’t it one worth taking?”

“Fuck,” He felt his chest tighted, “Yeah. You’re right.”

“I usually am,” Cleveland smiled jokingly. Conrad realized then that it was Laurel that he kept glancing at across the room. She was talking with a group of women around her age that Conrad didn’t recognize. 

“You’ve never told me,” Conrad said, “Whatever happened between you two.”

“Oh,” Cleveland huffed out a small laugh, “Tale as old as time. Two people afraid to say what they really want or feel, so end up as friends by default.”

“And you think it's too late?” Conrad pressed, “What about all this stuff about taking risks that you just spewed at me?”

“Well, my young friend,” Cleveland leaned forward, “Consider it a gift that you get to learn from my mistakes.”

“Fuck off,” Conrad joked with a laugh, “You old bullshitter. You better make a move before it’s too late. You probably have what? Five years left? You’re well over 100 by now.”

“Ha,” Cleveland smiled back, “Very funny. Go get your girl.”

Conrad looked down at his hands, “Nah, not yet. I need to…” he finally looked up and over at her, she was at the bar talking to Jeremiah, “It has to be the right moment. I can’t start and then stop again. I have to make sure she actually lets me get it out this time.”

“Don’t wait too long,” Cleveland warned and then stood, “I’m going to go see if I can get a dance in with my friend, if you’ll excuse me.”

“Alright,” Conrad laughed and shook his head, “Good luck.”

 

---

 

Belly watched as Cleveland left the table, leaving Conrad sitting on his own. Now was her chance. She felt fear bubble up her chest, but she swallowed it down. Love was bigger than fear. She was bigger than fear. Everything had almost become a giant mess again, but she wouldn’t let it. There had been enough hurt between the two of them already, those days were behind them. 

“Belly,” Taylor danced over to her, “Thank god, I need your help!”

“What’s going on?” Belly asked, feeling guilty for how preoccupied she had been all day. 

“We’re doing the send off in fifteen minutes. I need to change, come help me.” Taylor grabbed her arm, “Thank god I bought that little white dress for brunch tomorrow. That will work perfectly for the send off.”

“I can’t believe he pulled that surprise off,” Belly smiled, and linked arms with Taylor. She glanced back across the room to Conrad. He would still be there later, and she would push aside her fear again and again until the words made it out of her mouth. Or, she would press her lips together and let the words wash over her if he needed to say it first. The details didn’t matter, not anymore. She was ready for it to be their time. 

 

---

 

“Hey,” Belly said softly, taking her spot next to Conrad. Everyone was lined up outside of the hotel, surrounding the baby blue convertible that Steven had rented as their getaway car. Steven had instructed Belly and Conrad to pass out sparklers. Ava and Jeremiah were making the rounds, making sure everyone’s sparklers were lit in time. 

“Hi,” He gave her a small smile and then pressed his lit sparkler into hers until it started sparking, “There you go.”

“Thanks,” She bit her lip and thought carefully of her next words, “Maybe–”

“Here they come!” Someone squealed and everyone held up their sparklers. Steven and Taylor walked through the tunnel of light they had created. They stopped and kissed at the end, in front of their getaway car. Everyone cheered, and shouted out their goodbyes. 

“Thank you so much everyone for being here with us,” Steven said, his arm still around Taylor who couldn’t stop smiling.

“Have the best time you two,” Belly said, hugging each of them.

“I need a debrief when I get back,” Taylor whispered in her ear, “I know somethings up.”

Belly gave her a look and then gave her one last squeeze, “Everything is perfect. Have so much fun.”

The crowd slowly dissipated, after the newlyweds drove away. Belly hadn’t even noticed that Conrad had gone inside until she turned to tell him something and found that she was alone. She was halfway across her wall, almost into his yard and finding there were more obstacles ahead. Finding a way to him seemed impossible, she needed to get him back up to their room. If they were alone, just the two of them, they would finally have to talk. Neither of them could run. 

“Have you seen Conrad?” Belly asked Laurel once she was back inside the reception hall. Although some of the older guests had taken the send off as their opportunity to go home, most of their group of friends remained. The music was still on and the dance floor was packed. Belly had danced a few fast dances with Taylor and the other girls, but hadn’t gotten Conrad on the dance floor. He hated dancing, but she had figured maybe she would have been able to get one slow dance in with him. 

“I think he’s in the courtyard,” Laurel said, her lips red from the wine she had been sipping. She seemed relaxed. 

“Laurel,” Adam walked up to them in greeting, “We’re taking off. It was good to see you.”

“Thanks for coming, Adam.” Laurel smiled with her mouth closed and then looked to Lydia, “And it was great to meet you. You guys get home safe.”

“We’ll see you in Boston, Belly?” Lydia asked.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Belly smiled at her and then looked to Adam, “Thanks for coming, Mr Fisher.”

“Sure,” When he raised his eyebrows, she saw Conrad in him and it made her hate him a little bit less. The man she loved was part of him, even if he had become the man that he is despite his father. “It was a very nice wedding. Steven has done well for himself.”

“I’m going to go find Conrad,” Belly excused herself and made her way out to the courtyard where Conrad was talking with Jeremiah and a group of Steven’s friends. 

“Hey,” Belly said in greeting, wrapping her arms around herself to fight off the chill in the night air. 

“Miss Maid of Honor,” One of the boys said to her in greeting, “Are you officially clocked out for the night now that the bride is off on her honeymoon?”

“I think I am,” She smiled, “Which would mean the best man is, too?”

“He definitely is, get the man a drink already.” Jeremiah clapped Conrad on the back, he scowled and shook his head. 

“I’m okay, actually.” He crossed his arms and then looked to Belly, “You look cold.”

“Yeah, well there aren’t as many layers to bridesmaids dresses.” She looked back towards the reception hall, “I’m going to go back inside, actually. I was just coming to see if you wanted…to dance or something?”

“Oooh!” The boys teased like a group of elementary school students. She was surprised they didn’t follow it up with a warning about catching cooties. 

“It sounds stupid now that I say it,” She felt a blush creep up her cheeks.

Conrad blinked twice, “Let’s go inside.”

She nodded her head quickly and followed behind him as he led the way back inside. 

“Are you sure you don’t want a drink or…” Belly motioned towards the bar when they walked back inside, “I don’t know, anything?”

“I’m okay, really.” He swallowed hard, “Listen, Belly–”

“Yeah?” She answered eagerly, shutting down every impulse to run or silence him. 

“It’s been a really long day,” He reached for a stand of her hair that had fallen loose and placed it behind one of her ears, “And I don’t think I have it in me to dance right now.”

“Oh,” She almost laughed. As if she could truly care about dancing at this moment. She just wanted to feel him near her. 

“Sorry, I know this whole day between us has been…” He turned his head from side to side and she nodded in agreement.

“It’s on me, really. Conrad, I’m so–”

“Belly, it’s fine.” He was looking behind her, as if he couldn’t look her in the eyes, “It’s just, um…” He ran a hand through his hair, “Everything is fine.”

“Everything is fine?” She repeated back and he nodded. 

“Bars closing in 5!” Jeremiah came up beside them, everyone had followed in behind them from the courtyard with Ava and a few other friends of Taylor and Steven trailing behind, “We’re taking a shot together as a group, toasting to the newlyweds. Come on!”

“You go on,” Conrad said, motioning toward the bar.

“I’d rather stay here with you.” She replied, her eyes on his hands at his side. She wanted him to reach for her and pull her close. 

“Are you guys ready!?” Ava shouted, talking louder than necessary as she approached Conrad and Belly. She was swaying, unsteady on her feet and clearly thoroughly intoxicated. 

“I think we’re good,” Belly declined the two shot glasses that Ava was extending out toward them. 

“Oh come on, it’s the last one of the night! We’re toasting to Taylor and Steven and this perfect fucking wedding. Don’t be party poopers!” A bit of clear liquid sloshed from the sides of the glasses as she extended them out towards the pair again. 

“Okay fine,” Belly accepted one of the glasses and looked toward Conrad, “Just one?”

He grumbled something under his breath and started to reach for the glass. “Let’s goooo!” Someone yelled behind Ava, accidentally knocking into her back and leaving her unsteady on her already swaying legs. 

“Oh shit!” She exclaimed as she fell forward into Conrad, pouring the drink onto his shirt, “I’m sorry!” She steadied herself on his shoulders and then stood back up, taking in the wet spot in the center of his chest.

“It’s okay,” Conrad took in the spot, “At least it's the end of the night.”

“Are you okay?” Belly asked Ava, who was still swaying a little to the side.

“I am good!” She laughed, “Sorry I made your boyfriend the star of the wet tshirt contest, but I don’t think anyone here is going to complain.”

“Ha,” Belly suppressed a laugh and eyed Conrad, “You’re alright too?”

“Uh, yeah.” He answered, “I’m just going to go clean myself up.”

“Sure,” She smiled and helped Ava over to a chair, ignoring Jeremiah and the rest of the group as they called them over to take the shot. 

 

---

 

Promptly at midnight the lights in the reception hall had been turned on and the staff had announced that it was time to call it. There were only a handful of them left at that point anyways. Belly was still seated at the table next to a very drunk Ava who was telling her a drawn out story about her ex-boyfriend. Conrad had never returned after the spill.

She was eager to get back upstairs to their hotel room and finally be alone with him. She wanted to shut that door and face everything that had gone sour between them in the last 24 hours. She wanted to press their chests together, feel his warmth and his steadiness. She wanted to give him that same feeling, that same safety. 

“I’ll get her upstairs,” Emily said with a laugh, coming up beside where Belly was still seated with Ava. She didn’t want to leave her to find her way up to her room on her own. Belly thanked Emily, searched out her clutch bag and headed for the elevator. 

Anxiety prickled across her chest as she waited for the elevator, her heart reverberated through her body. She was sure if anyone walked past they would hear it. She would just come out and say it, she had decided. She would walk into the room and tell him that she loved him. Because she did, of course she did. There had been times that it had been the only thing she was sure of, her one true thing. The constant in her life - she had always loved him. She always would. 

She was in love with him, utterly and completely. It ran through her veins, was deep into her bones and in every hidden corner of her soul. Hiding that didn’t make it not real, nor did it protect it. There was no protecting it. Love wasn’t a glass vase that you could roll in bubble wrap and mark fragile. Love was messy and delicate and complicated. It could break into a thousand sharp pieces. Whether she admitted it or not, those things would always be true. 

Afterall, she had made a pretty big mess of a perfect weekend by avoiding facing her feelings. It was more likely that not leaning into love would shatter her before being brave and saying those three words ever would. 

She thought of Steven and Taylor, of her grandparents, of every happy and long lasting couple that she knew. Love wasn’t always pain. It didn’t always end. She believed in what she shared with Conrad, that it was real - that it was right. It was everything. 

They loved each other. Love. That was the foundation.

She pressed the button on the elevator and tried to calm her nerves. When the doors opened on their floor, she took off as fast as she could toward their room. 

It was all so clear to her now. She had spent the entirety of her adult life living for the moment - avoiding thoughts of the past and afraid of the future. While she wanted to savor this moment, their sacred new beginning, she was also hopeful about what was to come. That was a new feeling, a scary feeling. Scary doesn’t always mean bad - that was a new concept for her too. 

“Conrad!” She yelled quickly when she opened their hotel room, “I have to tell you something!”

Her heart sank and she looked around the room confused, “Conrad?” 

He wasn’t there. As ridiculous as it was, she peaked inside the closet and behind the bathroom door as if maybe it was a joke. Maybe he was hiding, the way they did as kids. 

She opened her clutch and pulled out her phone, maybe he had gone back downstairs and was looking for her. Maybe he went to get ice, or a snack from the vending machine. She had no missed calls or messages from him. She clicked on his contact and listened as the phone rang and rang. 

He would be back, of that she was sure. Where else would he go? His bag was still in the closet. 

Patience wasn’t one of her strong suits, after a few more minutes passed she tried to call him again and then sent him a message asking where he was and if he was okay. 

She flopped back onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling. Her heart fluttered to life when she heard steps in the hallway, but they continued past. It wasn’t him. She rolled onto her side and reached across the bed. It was then that she saw it - a piece of paper from the hotel notepad folded in half. Her name across the top in Conrad’s handwriting. 

Her throat felt like it might close up, like she would either vomit or stop breathing all together. She sat up and held the paper between her hands. There wasn’t time to collect her thoughts or hesitate, only to act. She unfolded the note and held it between her hands. 

 

‘ Belly –

 

Of course I remember fireworks. I remember it all. 

The first time we kissed on the beach, we were just kids but it was the first time that I felt like my life made sense. Like everything would be okay. I knew then, at 18 that you were it for me. I have been in love with you so long that I don’t remember what it feels like to not want you. 

I love you. Whether you want me to or not, I do. 

You can throw this away and pretend you never saw it. It won’t change anything. I’ll still be here. I just couldn’t take another second of you not knowing and I can’t look in your eyes again and watch you shut me down. 

I’ll wait forever if I have to. 

I will see you in the morning. 

 

-Conrad

 

She read it twice more and then grabbed her bag and ran out of the room. She needed to find him. Manically, she hit the elevator button over and over as if that would make it get to her faster. There was no time, she needed to find him. He thought that she didn’t love him back. He was the moon and the stars. He was everything and he had no idea. How could she have let him think that?

“Fuck it,” She kicked off her heals and opened to the door the stairs. She ran down toward the lobby as fast as she could. Where could he have gone? She checked first in the reception hall, but aside from a few employees it was empty. No sign of him. 

“Excuse me,” She said breathlessly to the woman at the front desk, “I’m looking for someone, can you tell me if he got a room? Maybe he booked a second room? The name is Conrad Fisher.” She started to spell out his name when the woman cut her off with the shake of her head. 

“I’m sorry, Miss,” She shrugged, “I can’t confirm if another guest is staying here or not. For security purposes.”

“It’s my boyfriend, we’re staying here together. You can look at our reservation. We’re in room 618, but I think he may have booked another room. Can you just check?” She realized she sounded desperate, but she didn’t care, “Or, my brother was the groom for the wedding here tonight. They left early, maybe he had a key to their room. Could you give me a key?”

She reached in her clutch and tried to hand the woman her ID, “See, Conklin. Isabel Conklin. Can you give me a key to Steven Conklin’s room?”

“I’m sorry, Miss.” The woman shrugged again, “I really can’t help you, it's policy.”

“Um,” Belly shoved her ID back into her bag, “Can you tell me if he came through here then? Maybe you saw where he went?” She scrolled through her phone and flashed a photo of Conrad toward the woman. 

“It’s been a busy night, I see a lot of people come through here. I’m sorry.” The woman didn’t seem sorry. She looked at Belly as if she was mad, some kind of crazed stalker. A scorned past lover out for revenge. 

He hadn’t been drinking all night, she remembered suddenly. Maybe he had left, maybe he had gone for a drive. She ran out to the parking lot and searched for his car. It was gone. He was gone. 

She knew then, as ridiculous as it was, where he would have gone. He had left to clear his head. He had written her that letter telling her that he loved her with the thought that she didn’t love him back. He would need to be somewhere that he felt safe, somewhere that could offer comfort and clarity. He had gone back to Cousins. 

Her hands were shaking. There was no way she would be able to drive, not after the shots and cocktails she had been having all night. She was pacing in the parking lot of the hotel, unsure of her next move. 

Was that it then? She would need to wait for him to come back in the morning? 

The thought of him driving away with those thoughts, of him seeking solace in the salt air tore her heart into two. She couldn’t wait, and he shouldn’t have to either. 

She tried every rideshare app she could think of, hoping to find a driver that would be willing to accept her ride. She would tip as much as it took, she just needed to get there tonight. Every app denied her request. A yellow taxi pulled up to the front of the hotel, a couple got out of the back hand in hand and walked into the lobby. 

“Excuse me?” She knocked on the passenger window, “Can you help me please?”

The driver unrolled the window and looked at her with raised eyebrows, “You need a ride?”

“Yes, I do,” She pulled her phone out, “Can you take me here?” 

He looked at the map on her phone and shook his head, “Sorry, I can’t take you that far.”

“Please,” She begged, “Name your price, please. I just really need to get there. What would it take?”

“I can’t,” He held up his hands, “Company policy. Besides, I’m off in an hour.”

“Do you know anyone that would be able to accept the ride? Another taxi?”

The guy shook his head and held his hands up again, “Sorry. I think there’s a bus that leaves from downtown in the morning.”

“I can’t wait for morning,” She said and then thanked the driver, stepping back onto the curb. 

She tried calling Conrad again. This time it went straight to voicemail.

“Belly?” She turned around and saw her mom and Cleveland walking out the front lobby doors. 

“Mom,” She hadn’t realized until then how close she was to crying. 

“What are you doing out here?” Laurel eyed her up and down, her shoes in one hand and her clutch in the other. She was sure she looked as frantic as she felt. 

“Conrad is gone, he left.” She bit her lip, “I think he went to Cousins.”

“Conrad left?” Cleveland asked, a worried look across his face and then Laurel asked, “Is he okay?”

Tears started falling from Belly’s eyes and she felt Laurel’s arm around her shoulders, trying to lead her back inside, “No, I have to get to him.”

“What is going on?” Laurel asked, her hand under Belly’s chin. 

“He doesn’t know that I love him,” Belly said quietly, “I need to tell him.”

“I don’t understand–” Laurel shook her head, “You guys fought?”

“No, not really.” She wiped at her eyes and took a breath to collect herself, “He left me this and said he’ll be back in the morning.”

Laurel took the note from Belly’s hands and read it once before handing it back. 

“It sounds like he needs space, Belly. Give him the night, he’ll be back.” She tried to lead Belly back inside again, but she shook her head and kept her feet planted in place.

“I need to tell him tonight. I can’t wait, I can’t let him think he’s alone in this.” She grabbed her phone and started to search for ride services, “I have to find a way to get to the beach house tonight.”

“Belly–” Laurel started, but she was cut off by Cleveland who said simply, “Let’s go.”

“He’s right, mom.” Belly nodded, “You guys go on, I’m fine. I won’t drive, I just need to find a taxi service that will take me that far.”

“No,” Cleveland said again, “Let’s go. All of us. I’ll drive you.”

“What?” Belly and Laurel said at the same time. 

Cleveland spun his keys around his finger, “I’m good to drive. Do you want to go or what? If I know Conrad he needs to hear whatever you have to say to him as much as you need to say it. Let’s go.”

“Are you serious?” Belly asked and threw her arms around him, “Thank you,”

“You don’t have to do that,” Laurel said, but Belly and Cleveland were already walking toward his car. 

“You coming or what, Laur?” Cleveland called out behind him. 

 

---

 

The ride was mostly quiet, aside from NPR coming through the radio. Laurel had voiced a few times in the first half hour of the drive how crazy it was, asking if she was even sure that Conrad had gone to Cousins. 

“I’m sure, I just know.” She had said, folding and unfolding his note. 

It felt like her heart was being tugged straight to the beach house, the tension lessening the closer to Cousins that they got. 

“Thank you for doing this.” She said as they drove through the streets that would lead back to the house. She wanted to cry when they passed where the peach stand was usually set up on the weekends. Not a day, she promised herself, would ever pass again without him knowing how loved he was. 

Cleveland caught her eye in the rearview mirror and smiled, “What can I say, I’m a sucker for a good romance.”

She let out a sigh of relief at the sight of his car parked neatly in front of the garage. She had been right. She had known exactly where he would be. 

“Do you want us to stay?” Laurel asked, as she opened the door. 

“No, I’m okay,” She patted her mom’s shoulder, “Thank you so much for this. Both of you.”

“Go on then,” Cleveland smiled and Laurel gave her a long look. The kind of look that said so many things at once, things that didn’t need to be said out loud. It was a look of love and wonder, pride even. 

Belly turned toward the house. The lights were off, which didn’t surprise her. She didn’t expect to find him inside. 

She walked around the side of the house, past her peach tree and around the pool. He wasn’t at the dock, which also didn’t surprise her. They were the same in that they both sought solace with the waves. The salt air across their faces. There was a certain kind of clarity that you could only find at the beach, it shifted things into perspective and forced you outside of yourself. 

She ran down the trail to the beach, her shoes and clutch long forgotten. She had only his letter in her hand, the front of her dress held up with the other as she ran. 

And then there he was. His shoes off and feet in the sand, bow tie undone and shirt half unbuttoned. He was looking out toward the waves, his hands in his pockets. 

“Conrad!” She yelled out once and he turned toward her, his face illuminated in the moonlight, “You left!”

She had stopped running, her pace slowed down and she closed the distance between them.

“You got my letter,” He said matter of factly, glancing at the paper still folded in her fist. 

“I did,” She said breathlessly and studied his face. He was looking at her so intensely that she wasn’t sure if she’d even be able to form words.  

“You’re here.”

“I am,” She answered and took another step toward him.

“Why?” He asked, his eyes on her mouth. 

“I’ve been so afraid,” Her voice was shaking, “For so long. I thought that if I let you tell me… or if I told you…”

“What Belly?” 

“I didn’t want anything to change. I didn’t want it to become too real, I thought I was protecting what we have. But I wasn’t right. Because whether or not I say it, it’s still true. It’s still real.”

She kicked one of her feet into the sand let out a huffy breath. 

“I’ve loved you for so long, Conrad, that I don’t even know what it would be like not to love you. Since I was a little girl, before I even actually knew what love means. That’s how long I’ve loved you.” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and then looked him in the eyes, “You kissed me for the first time, right here on this beach and the whole world stopped spinning. Or, maybe it spun just for us in that moment.”

“Belly…” His eyes were shining across the distance between them, two stars in their universe and she held them in her own. 

“I wish things had gone differently back then, I wish we hadn’t wasted so much time apart. And I’m sorry that I’ve been so afraid, Conrad.” She took another step toward him, “But I’m not anymore. I want you. I want to have a life with you. I am so in love with you, I didn’t think it was even possible to fall more in love with you than I already was…but I did. And I keep falling deeper and deeper, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I don’t ever want to.”

The corners of his mouth turned upward and he let out a relieved laugh and wiped a hand across his face. “Come here,” He said as he stepped closer to her. They were standing right in front of one another now, so close that they could touch. 

“I love you,” She reached for him and he pulled her close to his body and placed his hands on the sides of her face, “I have always loved you, Conrad.”

He pressed his mouth to hers and ran his thumbs across her cheeks, wiping away tears she hadn’t even realized she had shed. He pulled away for a second, looked deep into her eyes in a way that made her feel weak and then kissed her tenderly once more. 

“I love you, too.” He kissed her forehead and pulled her tight into his body, “I love you so much.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long,” She breathed into his chest, wrapped her arms tight across his bag and clung onto him, “I’m sorry I was so afraid.”

“You’re right on time, Belly.” He kissed the top of her head, “We can be afraid together, we can be everything together.”

“Don’t ever leave again,” She looked up at him, “Not without me.”

“I won’t,” He promised.

“Wherever you go, I go.” She said sternly. She meant it. They would figure out the details as they came. If she knew anything at all, it was that she loved Conrad Fisher as deep as the ocean in front of them. It was a love as true and as ancient as the sea - never ending, with depths not yet explored. This was only their beginning.

Notes:

Thank you all so, so much for continuing to read along. I have had the end of this chapter plotted out since the very beginning -- I've played this scene of Belly frantically trying to get back to Cousins, running down he beach in her bridesmaid dress and telling him that she loves him like a movie in my head for months (best if visualized to the chorus of You Are In Love - Taylor Swift)

Anyways -- I am so excited to hear what you all thought of the big I LOVE YOU. It has finally been said... now what?

Follow along on instagram, if you aren't already @redclovers.writes

Chapter 16: Chapter 15

Notes:

Hey, it's me again... This update is long overdue. I can't believe it's been over a month since Chapter 14, when we finally saw these two figure it out and confess their love on the beach.

Accept this as you mushy, fluffy, lovesick warning -- this is chapter is a sweet one. We earned it after all of the heartache and miscommunications.

Continued note at the end of the chapter - I'll leave you to it :)

'I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you
I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you
I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night
And now I see daylight, I only see daylight'
-Daylight, Taylor Swift

 

It was an uncharacteristically calm night at the beach, as if the world had gone still for them. Even the waves had turned to a gentle caress against the shore. This beach had bore witness to so many moments of their life. It had been the sole witness to their story as it unfolded across the years. The good, the bad and everything in-between. From toddlers in sun hats to this very moment. Their history was rich, and yet their story seemed to only now be beginning.

Belly’s head was rested on Conrad’s shoulder, his arms secure around her waist. Neither had been ready to make any move toward the house, so they had found a spot in the sand and were relishing the moment between them.

Conrad tangled his fingers through her hair at the back of her neck and kissed her softly, “I still can’t believe you’re here.”

“Of course I’m here,” Her voice was a whisper, “It made me feel crazy, to think of you here not knowing how I feel. How much I love you.”

A volcano erupted in his chest every time she said it. It was equal parts salve to his previously broken heart, and a glowing heat burning him to his knees with desire. 

“How did you get here?” He had been so caught up in the emotional moment between them that it hadn’t even occurred to him to ask until now, “I hope you didn’t drive yourself.”

“My mom and Cleveland, actually.” She said and laughed at his surprised face. She told him how the night had unfolded, about her frantic pleading with the front desk clerk and taxi driver. About Cleveland volunteering to drive and the way she just knew where he was, without a hint of doubt. That whole drive she had picturing him, feet in the sand and eyes on the shore.

“That wasn’t my intention, you know.” He said into her hair, “To make you chase me down. I just needed to breathe. I wasn’t sure what was going through your head. I guess I was trying to come to terms with the fact that maybe you didn’t feel the same way.”

“Oh god,” She groaned and then turned his face so he was looking into her eyes, “I’m so sorry I made you think that. I don’t think there's been a single second of my life that I haven’t wanted you. That I haven’t loved you. And I know in some ways that makes me terrible, but I really don’t care anymore. It was all worth it if this is where we ended up.”

“It has always been worth it, Belly.” He pressed another kiss to her forehead, “You have always been worth it.”

“Have we made it through the hard part?” She smiled toward the waves, “Are we in the clear now?”

“I think we are,” Her smile was enough to sustain him through the longest of winters, “As long as you let me love you.”

“I can do that,” She leaned her head onto his shoulder. 

“So I won’t scare you away if I tell you this then?” He picked up a fistful of sand and let it fall through his fingers.

“Tell me anything.” She whispered her reply and he glanced back up, her face was illuminated by the moonlight. 

“This is it, Belly. You’re it.” Her smile widened at his words and he couldn’t help but grin back at her, “I have every intention of building a life with you.”

“Well Conrad,” She kissed his jawline, “I have no intention of ever letting you go again. So, I hope you’re prepared to get old with me on this beach.”

His heart practically soared out of his chest and he let out a breath and smiled at her, “That’s all I want.”

“We’re going to have to go back to Philly at some point.” He said after a beat, “But I really don’t have it in me to make that drive tonight.”

“No way,” She agreed, “One last night in Cousins?”

“Let’s go,” He brushed the sand off his pants as he stood and then held out a hand for her. 

They held each other tight as they walked back up to the house. While she may have been half-joking, this really was all that Conrad wanted. This was the big idea, the dream, the point of it all. The two of them here. He could see them having a night just like this - albeit a little less of the dramatics, and a whole lot more certainty between them - at every stage of life. 

Her arms wrapped around him from behind when he unlocked the door and a shiver ran up his spine as she ran her hands across his torso and pressed a kissed to the middle of his back. Somehow it was warm even through his shirt. 

“Why don’t you go and get a shower started for us, and I’ll find towels and blankets to make up the bed.” He held one of her hands in his own and turned to face her, kissing her knuckles.

“Okay.” She turned her back to him, “but I’ll need you to unzip me.”

He had learned her body that summer, explored her like a map. He trailed a finger down her spine as he unzipped her dress and moved her hair to the side to kiss the back of her neck. “Perfect.” 

It thrilled him, to watch her body react to his touch. The way she always arched herself closer into him. “You’re perfect.” He whispered into her ear again and pulled her dress away. She had a tan line across her back, proof of her summer spent reading poolside. He smiled to himself and vowed to make sure that tanline lived on her back every summer for the rest of their lives. They were summer people. His girl thrived in the sunshine, and he would make sure that she had it. 

He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to stop smiling or replaying her words on the beach. Fuck it, if he wasn’t the luckiest man alive. If he could go back in time and find his younger self, the angry, broken-hearted boy with his worn polaroid and resentment. He’d grab him by the shoulders and tell him it all works out in the end. Every ounce of heartache and yearning had been worth it - a thousand times over. 

In the end, she’s your’s, he’d say. In the end, it turns out that maybe she always was just as you were her’s. Nothing could have ever stopped their hearts from clicking together. 

When her dress dropped and she turned to face him, he couldn’t stop himself from pulling her in for a long, hard kiss. She was everything. The moon and the stars, the universe that contained it all. Everything. 

“You promise you’ll never grow tired of me?” She asked against his mouth and he could have laughed at the idea, if it didn’t tug on his heart. 

“Not in a million years,” He brushed her hair behind her ears and kissed her once more, “I’ll be right up.”

He watched her make her way up the stairs, her dress slung over her arm and bit back another smile. 

He heard the upstairs shower turn on and imagined her waiting at the sink for the water to heat up - it always took a minute - and then he walked down the hall to the linen closet. The sheets and towels they had packed away earlier that week were stacked inside. He grabbed what he needed to make up his bed and two of the nice towels. 

When he walked into the bathroom, she was already under the stream of water. Her hair was slick and sticking straight down her back as she stood with her back. She had always loved the water, ever since they were young. She was the first one in the pool and the last one out. Swimming until the tips of her fingers were wrinkled up raisins. 

This summer he had learned that her affinity for water had continued into adulthood. While she still enjoyed her swims, she also took long showers every night that left the bathroom steamy and smelling like her soap. He loved it. He loved everything about sharing a space with Belly. The thought of going to his new apartment and spending his nights alone, of not seeing her long strands of hair across the bathroom sink or hear her humming in the kitchen as she made her morning coffee, was a lonely thought. 

“You know,” Belly said, looking over her shoulder and through the foggy shower door, “If you take a picture it will last longer.”

“Don’t tempt me.” He teased and pulled his boxers down, tossing them to the corner. He opened the shower door and eyed her - wondrously. She was the kind of person who truly didn’t know how beautiful she was, it wasn’t an act. It was as if she was wounded bird, she just didn’t realize the effect that she had. The way people, Conrad especially, were drawn to her. When she walked in a room, people looked. When she smiled, you couldn’t help but smile back. 

She was warmth personified, sunshine. His heart was soaring, exploding into a dozen small fireworks over and over. So this is what it was, he thought, to be happy. To feel content. 

She turned to face him, and his eyes trailed down her body with the water. He had wanted to press his body into hers from the moment the words I love you escaped her lips. He wanted to pull her into the sand, undress her under the moonlight and come together with the tide. 

There had been minimal moments that summer that he hadn’t been ready to be inside her. He suspected, hoped, that wouldn’t ever change. 

“Come here,” She whispered and wrapped her hands around his wrists. She pulled him under the water with her and pressed her chest into his. She was slippery and warm. “You were too far away for too long.”

He wrapped his arms around her back and held her tight, “This has been the longest day with a perfect ending.”

“It’s not over yet,” Belly ran her hands all the way down his back and looked up at him, her chin rested on his chest, “But it might make my top five.”

“Your top five?” He asked teasingly, pulling away from her for a moment to grab the bottle of body wash from the shower shelf. 

“Mmm,” She sighed as he lathered the soap down her arms and then across her collarbone, “You know, those moments you keep replaying over and over. That you never want to forget.”

“I never want to forget this,” He motioned for her to turn around and she practically melted into his touch, “How it felt the first time I heard you say you love me. I’ll never take that for granted, Belly. I can promise you that.”

She let out a long breath and his hands paused on her shoulders and then he kissed the top of her head. She leaned back and pressed herself against him. His hands roped around from her back to her collarbone, slowly trailing downward. 

Her skin was smooth, slippery even, still sudsy from the soap he had lathered her in. He pressed his fingers lightly into her hips and pulled her flush against him. Skin on skin. He was trying to restrain himself, to take it slow and enjoy each other - he wanted to feel every inch of her body- but when her backside pressed against him and she let out a small whimper he felt just how weak his resolve was. When it came to Belly, he had very little self control. 

He trailed his fingers across her hips and down her stomach, feather light touch and her head dropped back against his chest. He leaned forward and flicked his tongue across the side of her neck. Warm water splashed into his mouth, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t be bothered about anything, not now. 

This was peace like he had never before known. Contentment. The side of her foot pressed into the side of his as she spread her legs further apart. He heard her silent request and dipped his right hand down further until it pressed between her legs. 

He wanted to take his time and savor this night. The time hadn’t even registered, although it was the middle of the night. Nearly morning. It felt like they were suspended in that moment, the night wrapped still around them. The only two people to exist. 

Time was relative. He had waited years to hear her utter those three words. Yet now, all of that time melted away. Those years without her felt unfathomable, almost unreal. Their worlds collided together, overlapped in such a way that he couldn’t imagine ever untwisting himself from her. To the outside eye he knew it would seem crazy and rash, but he knew deep into his bones that this was it. They were infinite. 

“I want to do this with you forever,” Belly sighed, her body moving in motion with his hand - his fingers worked over her in a rhythm he had learned that she loved. 

“That’s all I want,” He replied, kissing down her neck. He rolled his thumb around her and then pressed his middle finger in her entrance lightly. He felt her jaw go slack against the top of his head and she let out a long, breathy sigh that drew a groan from deep within his chest. 

He pulled away from her to look up at her and was groaned again. Her eyes were closed, lips parted and body glistening as water drops ran down her body. His free hand tracking back up her body and closed around her breast, his fingers circling around her nipple. Her body pressed back against his, even firmer and she wrapped an arm up and around his neck as if to hold him in place. 

He loved so many things about her. Her laugh, her competitive spirit, the way she lit up every room she walked into. She was smart and quick. She was kind. She was beautiful in a rare kind of way. Insightful. 

He loved the lustful look she got in her eyes, the small whimpers. The way she moved around him. The way their skin felt when pressed together. He loved the sound she made when she came. The way her breathing hitched, almost like the start of a laugh. 

Her fingers wrapped around his wrist as her body writhed and unraveled. She pulled his hand away and spun around to kiss him, still breathless. She reached down for him and started to kneel, but he pulled her back up and shook his head, “Not yet.”

She looked at him with question in her eyes and he smiled at her, kissed her temple and told her he was in no rush. They had all the time in the world now. 

 

---

 

“Let’s play a game.” Belly said, her eyebrows raised as they stood in the bathroom wrapped in towels. The room was still filled with steam and the air was thick with desire. She wasn’t through with him, in fact she wanted him so badly that she was sure it was evident in the way she watched him wrap his towel around his waist. Or rather, the way she couldn’t look away from the very apparent bulge tenting his towel. 

It was a good thing that Conrad had self control, she thought. Because if left to her, they would already be spent. He was drawing it out, teasing her. Driving her wild with want. 

“A game?” He gave her an amused look and took a step forward, pressing her against the sink. 

“I’ll tell you a secret, and then you tell me a secret.” She looked him up and down, admiring the sharp angle of his muscles, “We’ll trade.”

“Okay,” He stood up straight and smirked at her. She loved that smirk. Mischievous, boyish. So familiar to her. She had seen that smirk through so many stages of life. From little boy to man. From friend to acquaintance to lover. “I’ll bite.”

“Come on then,” She put both hands on his shoulders and turned him toward the door, throwing a grin over her shoulder as she led the way across the hall to his bedroom. It didn’t surprise her in the least to find his bed perfectly made up. 

Conrad stepped into the room behind her. His hair was still wet, causing droplets of water to cascade down his back and chest. She followed them down to the line of the baby blue towel wrapped around his waist. 

“Here,” She pulled her towel away from her body and walked toward him. She gently ran it through his hair, wringing out the excess water. 

“Are we playing your game?” He grabbed her wrist as she pulled away and placed a kiss to the palm of her hand, “It was your idea, you go first.”

“Fair enough,” She hung her towel on the back of his desk chair and then got into bed, pulling the navy blue sheets up and around her body. Even after being washed, they smelt like him. She wanted to bottle that scent and let it cradle her to sleep every night they would be apart. 

“I’m ready for it,” Conrad placed his towel over hers and slid into the bed beside her, “What’s your secret, Belly?”

“You remember the necklace you gave me?” She turned to her side so she was facing him.

“Of course,” He nodded once and reached out to press a strand of wet hair behind her ear, “The one you gave back to me a dozen times, how could I forget?”

“I still have it,” She pressed her lips together as if she had just dropped a bombshell, “I still have your shirt, too. A few of them, actually..”

“I already know that.” He chuckled, “Well, about the necklace at least. I guess that’s my secret.”

“What?” She laughed and nudged his shoulder, “How do you know that?”

“I saw you with it,” He admitted, a slight brush across his cheeks, “Earlier this summer. I think it was the night that Jere and Sam were here and you went to bed upset. I came and checked on you the next morning and you had it in your hand.”

“Oh,” She squinted her eyes and nudged his shoulder playfully again, “That’s a little embarrassing.”

“No, it’s not.” He grabbed her hand from his shoulder and gave it a squeeze, “It gave me hope.”

“You’ve gone soft on me,” She whispered.

“Only for you,” He said with a shake of his head, “Only ever for you.”

She tangled her legs around his and he ran his hand down her arms, swirling his fingers across her skin. She bit back a smile when she realized he was tracing infinity symbols down her arm.

“It’s your turn,” She nudged his foot softly with her own, “That didn’t count as your secret.”

“You don’t play fair,” He teased, “Yours shouldn’t count, since it wasn’t really a secret.”

“I don’t make the rules,” She smiled conspiringly, “I just enforce them.”

“Well then,” He ran his fingers under her chin and tilted her head up for a kiss, “Who am I to argue?”

“Your secret then?”

“I don’t know if I have any left. I told you about the house,” He mused and then added, “And about the polaroid.”

“It doesn’t have to be big.” She whispered and trailed a finger down the side of his arm, “Just something you’ve never told me before.”

“Okay,” He lifted himself onto his elbows, “I…” he clicked his tongue to the top of his mouth as if he were trying to think, “I picked my apartment because I can see you living in it. If not for you, I’d be living in another crappy studio.”

“Really?” She bit her bottom lip and squeezed his bicep.

“Really,” He let out a short breath, “We were spoiled this summer, with all of our time together. I don’t know how to be without you anymore.”

“You don’t have to be,” She shook her head and pulled his face down closer to hers, “Not really. It’ll be like when we were teenagers,” She chuckled a little, “Remember? We’ll talk on the phone all the time. We’ll switch off making the drive.”

“I know,” He nodded once and kissed her shoulder, “I just really love feeling you.”

She smiled to herself and shifted her body underneath his, “I really love everything about you, Conrad Fisher.”

“Everything?” He raised his eyebrows and sat back up, rolled her underneath him and hovered just above her on his elbows. She could feel the pulse of him, throbbing between her legs. Lingering right above where she ached for him. 

“Everything,” She confirmed, “But right now, I love most of all that I’m yours. And you’re mine.”

“You’re mine,” His voice was barely above a whisper and he caressed a hand gently through her wet hair, down the side of her face and to her collarbone.

“I always have been,” She angled her hips upwards, teasing him against her, “I love you. So much. More than I could have ever thought possible.”

“God, Belly,” He let out a ragged breath and kissed her hard, “I love you.”

She placed a hand on each side of his face and held him in place, just inches from her lips as he slid into her. There was something so bare and vulnerable in his eyes. A fire burned behind his irises. It was enough to make her stomach, just below her belly button, clench and ache in a way that felt as old as time.

It was always corny to her, when she heard people call sex ‘love-making’. She wasn’t about to start using the term now, but there was something so deep and different with Conrad. Especially now that they had said outloud what their bodies had been silently exchanging for months. This was love. This was tangible and real, but also unexplainable and out of her own control. 

She felt outside of her own body, in a way, but yet more present than she ever had been before. “Is this different for you? Do you feel that?” She pressed her fingers into his shoulders and let her head fall back. She couldn’t focus on his reply, but she didn’t need him to answer to know that he was feeling it too. 

 

---

 

“I don’t understand why we have to leave,” Belly mused, tracing circles across Conrad’s chest. They had slept for only a few hours when he gently shook her awake, and whispered that they would have to leave soon. “Let’s just quit our jobs and shack up here.”

“An endless summer?” Conrad smiled into her hair, “It does feel unfair to have to leave twice.”

“It feels even more unfair for you to have to drive me back home and then drive to Boston,” She paused and sat up to look at him, “I seriously don’t have a problem taking the bus. Laurel is already getting us checked out at the hotel anyways. I'll bring you your stuff next weekend.”

“No way,” He leaned forward and pecked her cheek, “I’m driving you back, end of story.”

“Okay,” She pulled the covers up to her shoulders and snuggled back into his couch, “It means more time with you, so I’m not going to argue. I just don’t want you to be exhausted on your first day.”

“It’s just hospital orientation tomorrow. My real first day on the floor won’t be until Wednesday.”

She nodded and pictured him making his way from patient to patient. It seemed like a tragedy that she had never seen him in scrubs, but that would change soon. She was already planning her first weekend trip to Boston.

Despite their looming departure and goodbye, there was a calmness about them this morning. Things felt steady. It was as if they had been caught in a windstorm, and suddenly everything had gone so perfectly still. Peaceful. This was what it felt like, she realized, to let go and trust. To live for the moment. To love and to be loved - entirely. 

Conrad’s phone buzzed on the nightstand, but he ignored it and pulled her closer into his chest. “We really should get going soon,” He muttered, “But I just want to lay here for a while longer.”

It wasn’t long before her eyes grew tired again and she drifted back to sleep. When she woke, the bed was empty and daylight was creeping through around the edge of the curtains. She made the bed and then went to her room to rummage through the closet and see what remnants of summer’s past she could put together to wear home. It was that or get back into her bridesmaids dress, which felt even sillier than the cut off jeans and old band tee she found in her dresser. The cut offs were a tight squeeze, but she impressed herself when she got the zipper up. The iron-on smiley-face on the back pocket wasn't entirely her style anymore, but it would do for the drive. 

“There you are,” She said when she came down the stairs and found Conrad at the table with two to-go cups of coffee and a bakery box. 

“I was just about to come wake you up,” He stood and passed her a coffee, “I got muffins. We should probably eat them in the car though, if we want to beat traffic.”

“Wow,” She chuckled and accepted the coffee, “I must be special if you’re allowing me to eat in your car. Crumbs and everything.”

“Is that what it finally takes for you to see how special you are?” He joked, “To be allowed to make a mess in my car.”

“No,” She nudged him and assessed his own thrown together outfit - sweatpants and a paint stained t-shirt, “But it does seem like an added perk of being loved by you.”

“God, Belly,” He grabbed the muffins from the table and started for the door, “If I had known it meant that much I would have allowed you to trash my car months ago.”

“Are we still talking about muffins, or has this snowballed into a bigger metaphor?” 

“Oh, I think you know.” She smiled at his quick response and watched as he locked up the house and double checked, triple checked that everything was set for their second departure. 

Now it was official, summer was really over. But they weren’t. They were an endless summer. A summer warmth that would last through fall, carry them through the bone-chilling cold of winter, the slush and rain of spring and right back to this house next summer. 

Notes:

Thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to read and care about this story. I know some of you were worried after 14 that it was over - I promise we are no where near done.

I have had a crazy busy month - but as things settle back down after the holidays I hope to be back to a more regular posting schedule (although I use schedule loosely).

If you aren't already and want to stay in the loop/check out sneak peeks - follow along with me on instagram @redclovers.writes - I have a special holiday story coming as a gift from me to you very soon ;)

And if you haven't already (but I'm sure you already have) go listen to the Better With Glasses podcast - sustaining us all through this long drought with TSITP content. We had so much fun doing another slumber party episode - chatting about the fic, our beloved Connie baby and much more!

I can't wait to hear what you all thought of 15 - I'll be back with 16 before you know it <3

Chapter 17: Chapter 16

Notes:

Hi! Oh my god, it has been way too long. For that, I am so sorry but also so beyond grateful that you are still here and still reading along with me.

Chapter 16 is here and we are dipping our toes into long distance.

Please stick around at the end for my note.

'These days I'm restless
Work days are endless
Look how you've made me, made me
But time moves faster
Replaying your laughter
Disaster

'Cause now
You're so far away and I'm down
Feelin' like a face in the crowd
I'm reachin' for you, terrified

'Cause you could be the one that I love'
-Taylor Swift, Message In A Bottle

 

Belly had taken to eating lunch in her car. Conrad had been put on night shift at the hospital, which meant their schedules weren’t exactly lining up so far. But, they were making the best of it and finding gaps in-between their schedules talk as often as possible. One of those gaps was her 12:15 lunch break. Although shutting her office door and eating lunch at her desk was an option, she preferred the privacy and guarantee of no interruptions provided by the solace of her car. 

“Good morning,” He answered brightly and on the first ring, as if he was waiting for her call.  He was in his kitchen in his workout clothes. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him. Nothing could have prepared her for how badly she would miss him. They had been spoiled with proximity and free time all summer. The reality of long distance and busy schedules was less than ideal. 

“Morning?” She laughed, “It’s lunchtine.”

“My schedule is so off,” He shook his head, “What’s for lunch? Please tell me it’s more than a little baggie of cereal today.”

“I made a sandwich,” She held it up as proof, “What about you? How was the rest of your shift last night?”

“It went well,” He took a sip of water and her eyes lingered on his Adam's apple for a moment, distracted by her own longing, " they’re always hard on the newbies, but I think I’m starting to find my place.”

“They’re lucky to have you,” She said pointedly, “But, I am ready to tear you away from them one of these weekends.”

“Fuck, you have no idea.” He ran a hand down the side of his face, “After this month, the weekend rotation should even out and I'll be able to come there for a weekend.”

Conrad seemed tired, but there was also an entirely new energy to him. She was witnessing his doctor side for the first time. He was driven and excited, passionate about his patients and their cases. She knew it wasn’t an easy transition for him to start a new program, and that he was missing her as much as she missed him - but she could also see how worth it the sacrifice was. How deeply and truly he was meant to be doing exactly what he was doing. 

She was surprised by how seeing this side of him was somehow making her fall deeper in love with him. A feat she didn’t think possible, yet somehow her heart kept expanding. 

“What does next weekend look like?” She asked, biting into her sandwich and checking the dash clock on her car. Her lunch breaks always went too fast these days. 

“I’ll be on sixteens still,” He sighed, “I am off on Sunday. I could drive there for the day.”

“What if I come there instead? I’ll be able to see you between shifts on Friday night and Saturday and then we’ll have Sunday.”

“I’m not going to argue that plan,” His cheeks peeked up toward his crinkled eye smile, “But if you’re tired at the end of the week don’t feel like you have to. We probably won’t have too much time together until Sunday - I’m sorry, these hours are so crazy.”

It had been three weeks since the end of summer, but felt like months. The analogies she was coming up with to describe the time apart were nothing short of dramatic and she knew it. Seeing him again would be like rain at the end of a long drought. Could she really sustain herself on one weekend of Conrad a month? They hadn't been realistic with how often they would actually be able to see each other. The reality of it just felt like one more obstacle to twist themselves through before they could finally have a happily ever after. 

“Conrad,” Belly chuckled, “Do you know how desperate I am to see you? I’m at the point that I’d probably drive there for a hug and turn around if it came to it.”

“Just a hug, huh?” He flashed a devilish grin. The kind of smile that made her feel like soaring, her cheeks flushed. 

"Well, maybe–” the alarm on her phone started to sound, signaling the end of her break, “Ugh. Over already. I have to head back in.”

“Okay, I’ll text you later. I love you, Belly.”

“I love you too,” She looked right at him when she responded, wanting to reach through the phone. 

Before she could hang up he added, “And Belly? I’d make the drive for a hug too.”

---

 

It was probably bad practice for a doctor to be so distracted, Conrad thought as he made his way down the hospital corridors to do his rounds. He realized now that he hadn’t even really understood what it was to miss her until now. All those years apart, he had been missing an idea of her, of what they could have been. Now he really had her, had spent an entire summer falling deeper in love with her and living apart felt like and impossible task.  It wasn’t necessarily loneliness he was feeling, his life was fuller than it had been in years - but there was a certain emptiness to his hours spent at home that he hadn’t before experienced. 

They talked on the phone for hours every day, texted nonstop and facetimed before bed each night. None of that could ever compare to sitting across the table from her in the morning, or having her feet in his lap as she read on the other side of the couch. The smell of her hair. He missed everything about being near her. Everything. 

“Dr. Fisher?” A member of the front desk staff asked as she made her way toward him, “You’re Dr. Fisher, right?”

He was still new to the hospital, still finding his bearings and trying to get acquainted. That had always come so naturally to him as a teenager, it was different now though. Especially in his field, and being one of the younger residents. He felt like he needed to prove himself, prove that he was worthy of his spot. 

“Yeah, hi,” He smiled tightly and tried not to check his watch, he didn’t like to leave his patients waiting. 

“Hi, there’s a gentleman in the lobby looking for you.” She said skeptically, “I don’t think he’s a patient. I tried to find out what he was looking for, but he just kept asking to speak with you.”

“Oh,” Conrad racked his brain, thinking over the patients he’d seen in the three weeks he’d been there. He had no idea who it could be. He changed a glance at his watch, he could spare five minutes. “Thank you, I’ll be right there.”

When he walked into the lobby a few minutes later, he was surprised to see his dad standing awkwardly amongst the waiting room seating. He couldn’t help but wonder if he had ever been here with his mother. He knew that Laurel had gone with her to at least a few appointments. He had offered to drive her once, but she declined. He wished he had pushed the issue. He wished he had another chance, that he had been an adult when she was sick and able to do more for her. It was a futile thing to lament over - if he knew anything it was that the past couldn’t be erased or changed. 

“Dad?” Conrad cleared his throat and motioned toward the door. The last thing he needed as a newbie was word getting out that his dad has shown up unexpectedly and he’d had a personal conversation with him in the waiting room full of patients. 

“Look at you,” Adam half smiled, following behind his oldest son, “You really are a doctor.”

“What are you doing here?” Conrad asked once they were outside.

“You haven’t been returning my calls,” Adam put his hands in his pockets, “Or emails.”

“You haven’t emailed me,” Conrad shook his head, “Your assistant has.”

“Oh, so you are getting them then.” Adam nodded once, “Listen, son, I know you’re upset about what I said at the wedding–”

“I don’t care what you–”

“Now,” Adam held up a hand, “Let me finish. Maybe I wasn’t fair, but it's my job to look out for you.”

Conrad chuckled bitterly and looked up at the awning, “News to me.”

“You hold a grudge just like your mother.” Adam pulled his phone from his pocket,  “Can’t ever let anything go.”

“What am I supposed to let go of, Adam?” Conrad asked, “You checked out of our lives the second she got sick. The first time. You have no right to my life.”

“I gave you your life.”

“You know what?” Conrad looked down at his watch and sighed, “I don’t have time for this.”

He started back toward the door, but Adam let out a long breath and followed after him, “Conrad, wait. I didn’t come here to argue. I’m here to ask you to come to my wedding. It would mean a lot to Lydia, and to me.”

Conrad stopped and then looked at his dad quizzically, unsure how to even answer. He had no desire to be near his father right now, let alone at his wedding.

“Your brother is coming,” Adam continued, “I would like you both to be there. You’re welcome to bring Belly.”

“I–” Conrad looked from the door to his father, “I just don’t think I can, with my schedule right now.”

“Just,” Adam reached inside his suit coat and pulled out a long white envelope, “Think about it.”

Conrad looked at the envelope, not wanting to accept it.

“Take it,” Adam insisted, and when Conrad refused he leaned forward and stuck it in the front pocket of his scrub top, “Two tickets, for you and Belly. Consider it.”

“I’m not–” Conrad sighed, frustrated. He hated being painted into a corner, yet somehow he always let Adam come through with his paint brush and put him there. 

“Think about it, that’s all.” Adam started to back away, “They’re flexible, change them and take her somewhere else if you want. Just consider it an… olive branch, okay?”

“Fine.” Conrad conceded, not willing to waste another second on the conversation. 

That night when Conrad got home, he took the envelope from his father and placed it in with the rest of his mail. He didn’t know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, which was not go, but he just wasn’t sure what was right. What would his mother tell him to do? 

Maybe, in another life, she would still be here. She would have gotten better, she would have really left Adam. She’d be somewhere sunny, painting and drinking wine. He’d call her and she’d tell him to go. Or maybe she wouldn’t. So much time had passed that it was hard sometimes to sort out what was truly Susannah and what was the idea he had of his mother. He'd have to figure this one out on his own, he decided and shook away the heaviness for another day.

 

---

 

“I thought maybe you having a boyfriend would mean less of this,” Steven said from the doorway of the living room teasingly. 

“Oh, fuck off,” Belly joked back and tossed a piece of popcorn in his direction, “We all know you secretly love our binge nights.”

Taylor grabbed the remote to pause their episode and reached for the bottle of wine on the coffee table, “You’re home just in time, can you bring us the bottle of rose from the fridge?”

“And order us a pizza,” Belly called over her shoulder, “Extra cheese.”

“Ooh, yes,” Taylor nodded in agreement, “Thanks babe!”

Steven shook his head in mock annoyance, but they both knew he secretly loved it. He always acted like he wasn’t into whatever cheesy reality show they were watching, but he’d be in here enthralled and asking them a dozen background questions by the end of the night. 

“But really,” Belly said with a sip of her wine once Steven was out of the room, “If I’m spending too much time here and you guys need…newlywed space or anything let me know.”

“Babe,” Taylor squinted and shook her head, “You know I’ll always be honest with you. Trust me, you’re fine. Steven has been working so late with this project lately, it’s nice to have you here.”

“Ok, good,” Belly smiled, “Cause if you told me to leave I might actually cry. I used to be good at being alone, but since this summer my apartment just feels so insanely empty. And small, like it is literally starting to close in on me.”

“As much as I would miss you, wouldn’t this all be easier if you just moved to Boston?” Taylor asked, as Steven walked back into the room and refilled their glasses with the wine from the kitchen.

“Are you thinking about it?” He asked, pulling the bowl of popcorn into this lap as he took the spot next to Taylor.

“Wouldn’t that be crazy? It’s so fast. Plus, I have my lease and my job…” She bit her lip and looked toward the tv. Everytime she thought about it, and she had plenty of times since the end of summer, she got this surge of panic. Or excitement. Or maybe a combination of both, she really couldn’t be sure. 

“That can all be figured out. Leases can be broken, jobs can be changed,” Taylor said as if it was as easy as it sounded, “And only you and Conrad can know if it’s too fast.”

“It’s Conrad, it’s not like you just met him,” Steven said through a mouthful of popcorn, “Under normal circumstances, I’d say it is way too soon. But you guys are it for each other and you’re torturing yourselves with this whole long distance thing.”

“I just…” She rubbed at her temples, “I don’t know.”

Excep t she did, and having Steven and Taylor’s approval only validated her further. 

 

---

 

With a plan to see Conrad after so many weeks finally in place, time was moving slow. She felt like a kid counting down the days until their birthday. Despite the fact that he would be working, Belly’s plan was was to drive straight to Boston after work on Friday. Conrad wasn’t sure what time he would be home, but Belly didn’t mind. Even if it wasn’t until the middle of the night, the wait would be worth it. 

She knew they had been spoiled over the summer. It didn’t get any closer than living together. They had needed all of that time to reconnect and fall back in love, she knew that and was grateful for it. She also knew maybe it was healthy to have a little space and independence after starting their relationship while living under one roof. Logical thoughts were out the door at this point though, and she was greedy with her need for Conrad. His smell, his touch, the way his laughter vibrated through the room. There had been enough distance and missing each other to last a lifetime. Now that she had him again, she didn’t want to be apart. She was through with the era of missing him.

“Good morning,” Belly said, plastering on a cheerful smile as she waited at the copy machine for a stack of flyers she needed to have sent out to the sophomores.

“Morning, Ms. Conklin,” Lucille Delhimer responded with a tight smile, “Busy day?”

Lucille had been Vice Principal when Belly was hired the year prior, but had been promoted to Principal this school year. H er corporate, cold approach to everything made Belly uneasy. She looked out of place among the other teachers and school faculty in her stuffy suit and shoulder pads. Belly didn't think Lucille knew a single student's name, she was focused on all the wrong things. 

“Yes,” Belly nodded, “Never a dull moment, right?”

“Right,” Lucille said with one nod, “Have you had a chance to put together the stats from last year’s academic planning sessions? I'd like to strategize how we can me more efficient with your time for this years sessions.”

“I’m working on it,” Belly lied through her teeth, the least favorite part of her job was the administrative busy work Lucille had delegated to her, “I was actually going to come and talk to you sometime this week. Have you given any more thought to restarting the volleyball team? I would be more than happy to volunteer some time–”

“There’s just no room in the budget,” Lucille shrugged, “Numerous extracurriculars had to be cut this year.”

“I know, it’s just…” Belly stacked her copies on the counter neatly, “I have several students that have expressed interest. I thought maybe we could organize some fundraising events.”

“Ms Conklin,” Lucille gave her a patronizing look, “I know you’re new to education and I understand you’re eager, but there are just some things we can’t fix. Perhaps you should put some resources together for the local rec center. They might have a recreational league.”

“Sure,” Belly tried not to sound as defeated and angry as she felt. Something had shifted in the administration this school year. It felt like everything she tried to do that would actually be impactful for her students was shut down.

She was still feeling frustrated when she met up with Taylor after work. Their plan had originally been to meet up for a yoga class, but halfway through the day it had transitioned into a plan for dinner and drinks. 

“I’m so glad we changed our plans,” Taylor sighed and took a long sip of the blood orange margarita, “This has been a week from hell, I swear.”

“I second that.” Belly reached for the menu at the same time that her phone buzzed beside it. She couldn’t help the smile that stretched across her face at Conrad’s name. She wasn’t sure if the butterflies of a text notification from him would ever go away. 

“You’re shameless,” Taylor teased, nodding toward Belly as she typed out a reply to Conrad, “But, I don't blame you. Long distance is the literal worst.”

Belly winced at the memory of when Taylor and Steven were long distance. They argued incessantly- to the point that for a brief moment Belly was sure they’d break up. She was vigilant about her communication with Conrad, and despite his track record he was doing great too. 

“I just miss him,” Belly hit send and set her phone back down on the table, “It’s weird to go from living together this summer to being apart.”

“Well,” Taylor raised her eyebrows and flashed a suggestive smile, “there’s at least one plus side to long distance.”

“What would that be? Because I can't think of a single one," Belly asked, tapping her phone screen to check if Conrad had replied yet.

“You know…” she wiggled her shoulders in a little dance and gestured toward Belly’s phone.

“What?” Belly asked again, raising her eyebrows in confusion. 

“Belly,” Taylor’s face dropped, “You do know what I’m talking about, right? Please tell me you’re at least getting creative…”

“Creative…?” Belly watched Taylor glance between her and the phone again, “Oh!”

“Yeah, oh!” Taylor laughed, “Phones have cameras for a reason, babe.”

“I don’t think phone sex is the reason that phones have cameras,” Belly deadpanned and reached for the menu again, half-hoping Taylor would drop the topic but also feeling in search of her advise. 

“You’d be surprised,” Taylor replied, “I work in advertising, sex is literally the reason for everything.”

“Everything?” Belly joked back, “Even those horrible orthopedic sandals your aunt wears?”

“Don’t try to change the subject,” Taylor swirled the straw around her margarita glass, “You are in a long distance relationship now. Indefinitely, I might add. At least try to find a way to make it fun.”

“What am I supposed to do, just facetime him naked?” Belly laughed.

“Pretty much. I don’t think he’d have any complaints.” Before she could say more, Belly was shushing her and nodding to the waiter approaching their table with steaming plates. 

“All I’m saying,” Taylor continued once they were alone again, “Is live a little, have some fun. You’re going to be missing each other either way, but you know…it can still be fun.”

“Ok,” Belly rolled her eyes like a child being lectured and then replied appeasingly, “I hear you. I just don’t know if that's really…our thing. But, maybe.”

“Whatever, thank me later,” Taylor smirked and waved their waiter over to order another round of drinks.

 

---

 

Although she had certainly not planned for a buzz on a school night, Belly and Taylor had ordered a few more rounds and by the time she was unlocking her apartment door Belly was feeling warm and light as a feather. She showered and changed into her pajamas - cotton shorts and a Stanford t-shirt she’d stollen from Conrad at the end of the summer. Even though she’d washed it several times, she couldn’t resist the urge to bring the neck of the shirt to her nose and inhale. She missed him so much. There were only two days left and then she’d be on her way to Boston for the weekend. 

She was just laying down in bed when her phone started buzzing and Conrad’s contact photo lit up her screen. 

“Hi,” She answered with a giggle, unable to contain her giddiness. They hadn’t had a chance to talk all day - he’d been observing a surgery during her lunch hour. 

“Hey, I’ve missed you today.” She could hear the smile in his voice. 

“I’ve missed you too,” She sat up and put the call on speaker phone, balancing the phone on her knee, “Is it just me or is this week going by painstakingly slow?”

“It is,” She heard the sound of a door and then the rush of wind, “Longest week of my life. How was your night, you and Taylor were doing that hot yoga class?”

“Ha,” She became aware again of her buzz, “We skipped that and went for margaritas instead.”

At that, he let out a warm, knowing laugh, “That’s more like it.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I’ll be feeling that way when my alarm clock goes off tomorrow morning.” She chuckled, “And it’s kind of boring to come home buzzed alone.”

“I wish I was on my way home to you,” She heard his car door shut, “The apartment feels…cold.”

She picked her phone back up and opened the photos app to scroll through pictures from the summer, “I actually preferred living alone, now I feel like I’m running to Steven and Taylor’s every chance I get just to avoid being by myself.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” He sighed, “It’s not forever. Maybe it’ll get easier, we just have to get used to this routine.”

“Maybe,” Belly sighed and stood out of bed, trying to fight off the sleepy feeling that was starting to wash over her. She walked to the living room and sat down heavily on the couch, “I’m wearing your shirt.”

“Are you?” She loved hearing the happiness in his voice, the satisfaction that it seemed to give him, “Which one?”

“The Stanford one. It doesn’t smell like you anymore though, I’ll need a re-up this weekend.” She brought the collar to her nose again, “You might not have any shirts left by the time summer comes.”

“I’m fine with that,” He replied, his audio going in and then back out as it switched to the bluetooth in his car.

“You’d be forced to be shirtless,” She chuckled and then bit her bottom lip, re-opened her photos app and scrolled through to pictures of them at the beach last month, “I don’t think there’s a single soul that wouldn’t be fine with you shirtless.”

“I don’t know how my medical director would feel about that,” 

“It would be great for morale,” She joked, and sent him the photo she was looking at from a night on the beach when they’d propped her phone against their towels and set the self timer, “Shirtless bedside manner, I could see it becoming the next big craze in the medical field."

“You’re the only person I want to give shirtless bedside manner to,” He quipped back and even though it was in jest, it still turned her insides to lava.

“I can live with that,” She smiled to herself, and decided to change the topic before she got too bold, “How was the surgery today?”

She listened intently as he explained the procedure he’d observed, the things he’d learned and his eagerness to work with the attending physician. “I have to be back early tomorrow morning for rounds,” He explained, “I’m pulling into the parking garage, I might lose you for a second.”

Belly’s eyes were heavy with sleep by the time she could hear him unlocking his apartment door through the other end of the phone. It was late, but she tried to stave off sleep for as long as possible.

“I can let you go sleep, Belly,” He chuckled when her breathing grew heavy, “I didn’t realize how late it was.”

“No, no,” She shifted on the couch and pulled her favorite throw blanket over her body, “I’m not ready to hang up. Unless you have to go.”

“Not at all,” She heard water running and knew he was starting his nighttime ritual, “Just give me one second to wash up.”

She wanted to joke about switching to facetime, or even tell him what Taylor had suggested but she was suddenly too tired. She drifted to sleep to the sound of running water.

The next morning she woke earlier than usual and disoriented, not used to waking up on the couch. “Oh shit,” she muttered and reached for her phone to check the time. She was surprised to see that she was still on the call with Conrad, the gentle cadence of his snoring the only sound on the other end. Long distance was hard and it was testing her patience. But, it was also proving their mutual dedication and she knew there would be light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how long she had to walk before finding it. 

Notes:

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have appreciated all of the kind words and check ins over the past few months. I know I made you wait a long time for this - life got hectic. We'll consider the past few months our break between seasons - but I am back and here to stay. There is so much more of this story yet to come and I can't wait to keep sharing it....

Of course, we all know now that we'll be waiting another year for season 3 - but hopefully we can ride this wave of wait together and fill the void with TSITP content.

I am on IG @redclovers.writes where I'll be having sneak peeks, new content and some fun announcements to come (including something a little more collaborative that I hope you'll find as fun of an idea as I do!) and of course, love connecting and chatting and bonding over everything TSITP and Bonrad related.

I know this chap was a little more of a stepping stone to where we are going, but I am planning for more frequent updates (maybe slightly less long chapters to make this more do-able) going forward.

Anyways, I'll stop chatting your ear off. Comments are always so, so appreciated and truly inspire me to keep going so please let me know your thoughts below.

Chapter 18: Chapter 17

Notes:

Hello, hello!

Chapter 17 has arrived - filled with fluff and spice. Thank you for being here and continuing to read along with me for almost an entire year. WOW.

Please my note at the end - I won't leave you hanging any longer. Our lovebirds are finally reuniting <3

'I counted days, I counted miles
to see you there, to see you there
it's been a long time coming, but
it's you and me
that's my whole world'
-Miss American & The Heartbreak Prince

 

Conrad had created a routine for himself since officially moving to Boston. Or rather, as much of a routine as he could create with his new and unpredictable schedule. No matter how long of a night it was or how tired he was the next day, he always went to the gym. Even if it was just a quick run before he showered and changed for his shift. Running, he had long ago decided, was essential to his peace of mind. 

Before the summer, he was settled into a life of solitude. He welcomed it, actually. He had preferred his empty bed, the silence of his apartment after a long, buzzing shift at the hospital. Now, everything was different. The absence of Belly was so noticeable after being near her for those summer months.

Now, there was a sense of loneliness that made its home in every empty corner of his apartment.  

It would be easy to slip into that state of mind, so instead he kept to his routine. He text her every time he thought of her, not caring if it was cheesy. Mostly because he could practically see the smile that would light across her face as she typed out a reply. 

He was living on the hope there he would convince her to move to Boston soon. It wasn’t exactly that she needed convincing, more so that the timing had to line up. Still, he had to remind himself that this was temporary. He’d gotten through years without her, he could get through long distance for as long as it took. 

Even if it took years, at least he’d still have Belly. But, fuck, he really hoped it wouldn’t take years. He was hoping more like, one year. Tops. Six months, ideally. 

He was feeling the pressure of her first real visit to Boston and he need to make it perfect. Or, as perfect as he could while he was stuck at work for part of her visit. He woke up that morning and realized just how bare his cupboards and fridge were. Belly would be getting in that night while he was at work, he didn’t want her showing up to emptiness. He wanted it to feel like home. He had some shopping to do.

 

---

 

Fridays were, by design, chaotic at the school. Belly had students in and out of her office all day, parent meetings and had even had to sub in for a sick History teacher for a period. 

She’d worked through her usual facetime lunch date with Conrad. He was already at the hospital by the time she made it back to her office. A cheesy, irresistible grin spread across her face when she checked her phone at the end of the day. 

Conrad: I’ve never been so excited for a work day to end. Drive safe. I can’t wait to see you

The drive was long, made longer only by her anticipation - and frequent stops, first for snacks and a slurpee and then for the bathroom. When she finally made it into Boston and through traffic, she followed her gps to Conrad’s building. He had already given her his spare key and extra garage opener. 

The apartment looked a little different from the first time she had seen it - empty like a fresh canvas. Now it was perfectly Conrad. She didn’t know how he had time to set it up, unpack and order furniture with his schedule. But, somehow, the apartment was perfectly arranged as she walked through the door. He had sent her so many furniture store links the first week he had been there, making her help him choose each piece. She chuckled under her breath, realizing he ordered literally every item from the living room set ad she had told him she liked - even down to the chunky knit throw draped across the arm of the couch and the large candle in the center of the coffee table. 

Once she’d taken in the living room and kitchen, she went to the bedroom with her bag over her shoulder. She was taken back, almost, with the smell of Conrad that hung in the room. His cologne, his soap, that general warm and familiar smell of him. Her Conrad. She checked the time on her phone and sighed, realizing it would be several more hours before he’d be home from work. 

She opened her messages and sent one over to him letting him she’d made it to the apartment. He hadn’t checked in with her yet, which meant his surgeries must have gone long. I t was strange, in a way, being in his apartment without him. It was her first time there with him being actually moved in. It felt a little like spying, the way she eyed the top of his desk and nightstands. Everything was perfectly in place, in the most Conrad way. 

She wasn’t really sure what to do with herself. She knew he’d want her to make herself at home, but it was her first time there and she wasn’t even sure where the remote for the tv was or which side of this bed he preferred. 

A shower was a good start, she decided. Her phone lit up in her hand with a text - distracting her from her hunt for the towels. 

Conrad: It feels criminal that you’re only two miles away from me right now and I’m stuck here

She smiled and typed back a quick reply,

Belly:  I feel like a spy, I’ve already searched all your drawers and found all your dirty secrets

Except the towels. Where are they?

Conrad:  Ha! The long cupboard to the left of the sink. Did you find your closet?

She looked up and then walked back into the bedroom. There were two sliding closet doors. Behind the first one, Conrad’s pressed shirts hung and his shoes were arranged in a perfect line. It was pathetic, she knew, but she couldn’t resist the urge and grabbed one of his shirtsleeves and brought it to her nose. 

The second closet was empty, aside from a stack of folded t-shirts and wicker basket. She chuckled, thinking back to their call the week before and her threat to steal all of his shirts. He had set aside a pile for her - that she fully intended to move straight into her weekend bag to bring home with her. 

Belly:  I hope these shirts are freshly worn

Does that make me gross?

Conrad: Definitely 

But a cute gross

She pulled the basket out and brought it over to the bed. He had made her a welcome basket. It was possibly the most Susannah thing he had ever done and the thought of it made her heart feel like it was going to explode. He had got her all of her favorite soaps, a loofah, a box of hot coco and a short, fluffy robe with matching slippers. She wrapped the robe around her body and sent him a picture.

Belly: You are incredible. And way too good to me.

Conrad: I want you to have all the essentials there

Belly: Literally only need you

But I do smell after that drive, so the soap helps ;)

Conrad: Ok go get clean for me

Belly:  ;)

After her shower, Belly moved her bag into her closet and pulled one of Conrad’s shirts over her head. His fridge was full, but in a way that she could tell was intended for her visit. She knew he was barely home, most of his meals as of late had been at the hospital.

She had started to fall asleep on the couch to an old rerun after she’d finally found the remote, when the metallic clink of keys in a lock caught her attention. 

The door opened and shut gently, as if he didn’t want to wake her. As if she could ever prefer sleep to him. She had felt like a kid on Christmas Eve, stirring at even the smallest of noises. She was on her feet and around the corner to the door before he could even hang his bag. 

“You’re awake,” He beamed, his smile enough to light the entire city. He always talked about her smile, but the effect of his on her heart should be studied. 

“I missed you so much,” She said in reply, quickly closing the space between them and wrapping her arms around the trunk of his body. 

“It was such a long day waiting to come home to you,” He kissed the top of her head and then her cheek and finally her lips, his arms wrapping tighter around her with each peck. 

Being back in Conrad’s arms was like coming home after being somewhere strange for too long. The automatic comfort, the ease. He pulled away for just a moment to look in her eyes before his lips crashed back into hers. Her own body leaned into his involuntarily, muscle memory taking over as her hands found their way up his back and to the nape of his neck, fingers tangling into his hair. 

Her softness molded into the contours of his body, always so warm and welcoming. She wanted to look into his eyes, to see his smile and hear his voice. But the thought of pulling away and doing anything other than reveling in his kiss felt impossible. 

He pulled away first, reluctantly and leaned his forehead into her own, “I missed you so fucking much.” his voice was a warm whisper, tingling down her spine. She pressed her lips together in a smile, still warm from his kiss. 

“I officially hate long distance,” She responded, her hands wrapping around the hem of his sweatshirt, “I am a little disappointed that you’re not in scrubs, I thought I’d finally get to see it.”

“Ah,” He smiled down at her, “I change at the hospital, gotta keep it sterile.”

“I’ll just have to imagine it for now,” She rolled her eyes jokingly, and he shook his head pulling away to reach into his bag. 

“I wanted to get you flowers, but everywhere is closed. So,” He tossed something in her direction and she caught it mid-air, “I stopped at the vending machine instead.”

“Sour patch kids,” She beamed, “Dare I say, even better than flowers. I brought you something, too.” 

She turned and led him into his bedroom, “You didn’t need to bring me anything, aside from yourself.”

“Says you, who left me an entire gift basket. A Susannah Fisher level gift basket, at that.”

He smiled coyly, proud of himself like a little kid being praised by his teacher.  

“I wanted you to have all the essentials here. I told you, I want it to feel like home,” He wrapped his arms around her from behind, “It’s all a part of my master plan.”

“Oh really?” She leaned back into him, “And what’s the goal of that plan?”

His lips met her neck in a soft, kiss. The tenderness of it enough to melt her into a puddle. 

“I think you already know,” He pressed his lips into her neck again, “Is it working?”

“Mmm,” She tried to keep her thoughts coherent, but with his mouth on her neck and the now hard throb of him against her back it was almost impossible, “I can’t be sure. You still haven’t revealed your goal.”

“Belly, baby,” She shivered in delight, and tilted her head to side allowing him to trail his kissed even further down her neck, “You already know.”

“Tell me again,” His hands were warm, the length of his fingers wrapped around her waist pulled her in tighter and then found their way under her shirt, his shirt, and danced across her abdomen. Higher, higher. 

“You,” He pressed a kiss below her hairline as one his hands brushed just below her breast, “and me.”

“You and me what?” her voice barely a whisper

“Forever.” He said into the shell of her ear, a quiet promise just for her, “For infinity.”

He wasn’t afraid of scaring her away anymore and for that she was grateful. Their ability to overcome and adapt. She felt a small stirring of fear deep in her stomach, but she shook it away and sighed happily into Conrad’s shoulder. 

“The first step,” He spun her around, the sudden loss of proximity jolting her, “Is getting you here.”

“Here I am,” She said like a magician that had just pulled a rabbit from her hat. 

“Here you are,” His eyes were liquid, flooding over her own and bathing her in desire. Want. To be wanted by Conrad would never grow old, she was sure of that. “But I mean always. Everyday like this, coming home to each other.”

“We’ll get there,” She ran a hand down the side of his face, her thumb swiping across his cheekbone. 

“I know,” He placed his hand over hers and brought her palm to his lips, “I lied at work today.”

She burst out laughing,  “Why?”

“I was telling the other residents that my girlfriend is in town and they asked how long we’d been together,” He looked away for only a moment, “I felt like I was downplaying how serious this is if I said the truth. I don’t think anyone could understand.”

She nodded in understanding. She’d had the same thought. At the very least, Taylor and Steven, and even Jeremiah seemed to understand that things were different for them. They’d known each other forever. Loved each other for what felt like a lifetime. Their relationship was new, very new. But, the circumstances made it so that it felt only natural to fall into pace beside each other. 

It wasn’t often that Belly was sure of herself. When it came to Conrad, when it came to what they were building together, she was certain. This was it. They were together now and there wasn’t a world that she could imagine where that wouldn’t be true. 

She understood there was no need to rush, and she wasn’t trying to. But it also felt foolish to not acknowledge that this relationship was different. Cemented. 

“I should probably admit,” He looked sheepish, “While we’re on the topic that I saw Cam this summer. I ran into him on your birthday and might’ve implied that we were together.”

“At least you’re a consistent liar,” She laughed, “And it’s not a lie anymore, maybe it wasn’t even then. You distracted me, I really did bring you something.”

She walked into the closet and opened her weekend bag.

“You know I hate getting gifts,” It was true, he had always been terrible at receiving gifts. He was awkward about it, at best. 

“I don’t care,” She turned back around with a small gift bag in her hand and a smile on her face, “Its just a little housewarming present. You can’t expect to spoil me all the time and get nothing in return.”

“Fine,” He held out his hands and accepted the gift bag, “Thank you, Belly.”

“You haven’t even opened it yet,” She laughed.

“I know,” He pulled her back to the edge of the bed and they sat side-by-side, he lifted the tissue out from the top and she felt a little self conscious - the way she always did when she gave a gift.

“It’s not a lot,” She said in an almost warning tone, “Just a little something.”

“It’s perfect,” He said, lifting the silver frame from the bag and smiling down.

“I stole the polaroid and have no plans on giving it back,” She nudged his shoulder with her own, “But, I thought you should have something. You know, for when you miss me.”

“I love it,” He kissed the top of her head, a smile still stuck across his lips. It was the photo they had asked Laurel to take of them at the church during Taylor and Steven’s wedding rehearsal. 

The first time she had really looked at the photo she had been taken aback. They fit together so perfectly, two pieces that made the perfect pair. She hadn’t seen herself like that in a long time, so happy and at ease. The smile on Conrad’s face was contagious, even through the image and his hand wrapped around her hip - the way her own body leaned into his. She knew she had to frame it, and it was only fair to replace the photo she had commandeered. 

“We look pretty good, huh?” She teased and he wrapped an arm around her - pulling her onto his lap in one swift motion.

“We do,” She turned to staddle his lap and tilted her head down, inches from his mouth now, “Its you and me, Belly.”

She nodded twice and parted her lips as Conrad rose slightly to close the distance between them. Her own body took over, returning the kiss eagerly. A shockwave of desire fueled by anticipation and want rang through her body. The weeks without him all piling up within her, the dam of resistance and composure slowly giving way to something new. Something needy and so full of want. 

When his hands slipped under her shirt again and up her back, a soft moan escaped her lips. How she had missing his hands on her body. She pressed herself closer into him, and felt him smile into their kiss. 

She pulled away for a moment, breathed into his neck and then lifted his shirt over his head. “I’ve been thinking about this all day,” She admitted and then reveled in the dark fire her words ignited in his eyes.

“I’ve been thinking about this for weeks,” He countered, running his hands downward and stopping with a firm grip on her hips, he thrust upwards pressing himself between her legs in a way that made them both react - breath hitching. It had been too long. 

Belly’s lips curved into a closed smile, a satisfied sound slipping between her teeth. The thought of him thinking of her, of them, turned her on in a way she hadn’t expected. It seemed obvious that he would be longing for her in the same ways, but the confirmation buzzed through her body - emboldening her arousal.

“Why do you look surprised?”  Conrad’s question came out in a rasp at the same time that his thumb brushed across the tip of her left nipple under her shirt. She pressed closer into him involuntarily. 

“I’m not, I just–” His movements became deliberate, focusing on the parts of her body that he knew would drive the most pleasure, “I really want you. All of the time.”

He nodded once and stopped his movements over her breast, both hands dropping firmly to her hips and then pinching around the bottom hem of her shirt. 

“Show me,”  He lifted the shirt over her head in one swift motion, “What you want. All of the time.”

His eyes ran slowly up her body, from her waist and up her belly, across her chest and lingered on her lips before finally settling in her eyes - locking into place in a way that seemed serious. That seemed like he meant business. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled their bodies together - chests pressing together in the most delightful clash of warm skin and quickened hearts. 

Usually, she really did prefer it when they took their time. When they explored every inch of each other’s bodies - particularly she enjoyed it when Conrad explored hers. It made her feel a little selfish, except for the fact that seemed to equally enjoy caressing and pressing his mouth as a way of exploring her. Once their bare chests were pressed together though, it was as if something snapped inside each of them. That tender resolve making way for greedy want. 

His arms tightened around her, his hips moving upward once more as if he felt the need to prove how much he wanted her. As if she wasn’t already feeling every inch of him against her. There were too many layers, she decided, between them. She wanted to seem him. Want, want, want. She was so driven in that moment by how much she wanted and how easily that want could transform into a need.

“I need you,” She whispered, her mouth crashing into his uninhibitedly. The kind of kiss a person could get lost in - that she was losing herself in. Because when they kissed like that, nothing else existed. She shifted herself off from his lap, their lips still entangled as she pulled him backward. 

His hands moved around her body, feverishly rolling and squeezing as if he had never felt her before. As if this was all brand new. He broke away from their kiss, placed his lips to her ear, his fingers slipping under the waistband of her underwear and said, “Off,” his voice charged in a way that turned Belly’s insides to hot lava. 

She liked it when he got bossy and possessive. She liked feeling like he knew that she was his.

Eagerly, she lifted her hips and watched him slide her underwear down her legs. Once he’d tossed them to the side, she looked pointedly to his pants - a silent command, which he quickly obeyed. 

His gaze on her body fueled her, the way his eyes washed over her holding a twinkle of lust and hunger along with that warm float of love. She watched the way his body reacted, grew impossibly harder as his hands caressed their way back down her body. She spread her legs for him, dropping her knees to the side and felt herself grow even more slick at the groan he let out. 

He sat back on his knees, still in between her legs and slowly trailed his hand down her abdomen, across her hips and to her inner thigh. He muttered something, almost breathlessly, that she didn’t quite hear. She was too distracted, lost in his touch to ask him to repeat himself. When his thumb made contact with her most sensitive part, she let out a grateful moan. Finally, she wanted to say. All the aching and wanting seeming to radiate from her and to the pads of his finger tips as they circled her. 

“You’re fucking beatiful,” He leaned forward, head dipping in-between her breasts, she arched forward and cursed breathlessly as his tongue gently swept over one of her nipples. 

“I want–” It came out like a whine as she reached her hand forward and wrapped around his base, “I want to feel you.”

It wasn’t as if she was above begging, not under these circumstances, but still she was grateful for how quickly he reacted, eager to indulge her yearning. He braced himself over her, pressing together once again. When he entered her, it was a homecoming. An explosive delight. It was this - exactly this - that she had needed. There was nothing between them, their bodies pressed together and connected - him bare inside her. 

They moved together quickly - eagerly. As if they were making up for lost time. It was sloppy, yet intentional. Loving, and yet filled with lust. Somewhere between fucking and making love. Passionate and desperate, yet he kissed her so tenderly before turning her around and driving himself even deeper. 

They were chasing an end that neither wanted to arrive. If only this moment, Belly thought, could stretch forever. Pleasure built around her and in every crevice of her body - as if it was trying to escape through her skin. 

When they were through, shaky and damp and satisfied, they lay together - entangled limbs and deep breaths. He kissed her temple three times and then pulled her close to his body. A few months ago, a moment like this would have left her frozen in fear. Words would be pressed against their teeth, confessions and doubts. Now, they lay in a peaceful silence. Eyes and hands saying everything - confident and bubbling over with love. Love. She fell asleep like that, naked and lovestruck. 

---

 

Belly woke earlier than usual the next morning, her naked body tucked gently beneath the covers. Conrad wasn’t in bed, but she could hear him stirring in the kitchen. If she were home, she’d go back to bed and sleep in as long as body would allow. But, time was precious this weekend so she freshened up in the bathroom, slipped Conrad’s shirt back over her head and pulled a clean pair of underwear from her bag. 

The morning was hurried. They ate a quick breakfast together before Conrad apologetically had to leave to go back to the hospital. 

“I feel horrible leaving you here,” He said in the doorway, after kissing her a half a dozen times. He was like a kid avoiding going to school, finding excuses to linger a little bit longer. 

“You’re going to be late,” She laughed against his lips, “I’ll be fine. I have more snooping to do, anyways. I didn’t get to your dresser yet.”

“I shouldn’t home too late tonight,” He pulled her into one last hug and she nodded against his shoulder. She couldn’t help but feel a little bit like they were playing house.

Belly spent the next few hours of her morning after Conrad left on the couch with a book she really couldn’t get into. Eventually, her boredom took over so she decided to change into real clothes and go for a walk. There was a cute coffee shop around the corner, at the very least she could recaffeinate and check out the rest of the neighborhood. 

She took her coffee to go and tried to picture it - her potential life here in Boston. It was easy to imagine. It was easy to daydream of falling asleep in Conrad’s arms and waking up to the smell of him making breakfast. Brewing a pot of coffee to share and splitting the chores. She'd find a job close-by and the weekends they'd go to the farmers market, the way they liked to in the summer. They'd invite Taylor and Steven to the city, her mother would visit. 

It was easy to get caught up in the fantasy of it. But, when she came back down to reality and thought of the actual logistics it started to get a little more unclear. She had never asked Conrad what his rent was, but she had shamelessly creeped the website for his building. There was no way she would be able to afford to live with him. 

She could understand now, her mother’s trepidation and awkwardness when it came to finances with Susannah. You could be so close to someone that they feel like a part of you, and yet there’s an unevenness that makes things…sticky. No one wants to talk about money. It was something they’d have to discuss eventually, but she figured there was no need yet. It would be a while before she could make the move. 

When her phone started ringing in her pocket, she had half hoped it would be Conrad saying he got out of his shift early somehow. She was surprised to see that it was Jeremiah calling. 

“Hey, Jere?” She answered the phone with a question, he rarely ever called her. If they spoke, it was usually through text. 

“Hey Bells!” He said, she could hear the smile in his voice.

“Did you butt dial me? We never talk on the phone.”

“No,” He laughed, “I called to talk about Connie.”

She stopped in her tracks, her eyebrows knit together in confusion. As far as she knew, everything was fine between the brothers. And if it wasn’t, there was surely a reason Conrad hadn’t brought it up to her. She did not want to get in the middle. 

“Why?” She asked.

“Well, first off - I’m doing well. How are you?” 

“I’m curious as to what this is about. I’m in Boston for the weekend. Where are you?”

“I’m actually up in Vermont,” He sucked in a breath, “Visiting Sam. She’s been staying at her parents.”

“Oh,” A million questions flooded Belly’s mind, but she decided it was none of her business, “That’s…nice.”

“I’m working on myself, okay?” She could practically see his lopsided smirk and shake of his curls through the phone.

“Okay,” She replied, still confused, “Is that why you’re calling? Are you working some kind of cheaters program and need to make amends?”

“Ouch,” He quipped back, knowing she was joking with him. That was the nice thing of being friends with someone your whole life. She was testing a boundary, though. She knew that much. Had enough time passed that they could joke about their mutual mistakes? Seemingly so. When the temperature was just right. “No, it’s actually…I hate to ask, I really do. But, has Conrad said anything to you about our dad’s wedding next month?”

“Oh,” Belly thought to the few conversations they had around the topic,  “Not really. Why?”

“Because he hasn’t given my dad an answer, which I think means he isn’t going to go. And I really think he’ll regret that.” Jeremiah let out a breath, as if he wasn’t sure what to say next, “Belly, he’s the only parent that we have. I know they don’t see eye-to-eye, but he’s really happy and Lydia is actually really cool.”

“She seemed nice,” Belly agreed, “I met her at Steven and Taylor’s wedding.”

“See! Can you talk to him?” Jere pleaded, “You know he isn’t going to listen to me. If I try to bring up our dad to him, it’s just going to cause a fight.”

“I…” Belly didn’t want to get involved, but she was worried that maybe Jeremiah was right. Maybe Conrad needed to be more open to mending things with Adam. Then, she thought of the house and Adam cheating on Susannah and all of the things between Adam and Conrad that Jeremiah didn’t know. 

“Please,” He drew it out, begging the way he would when they were kids, “For Conrad’s sake. It’s just one weekend.”

“Ugh,” Belly groaned into the phone, “If he doesn’t want to go, you know nothing will change his mind.”

“If anyone can change his mind, it’s you.” He said it with conviction. Belly was wavering more on the side of trusting Conrad and his instincts. Then again, she countered internally, Adam was his only living parent. They had been close once. 

“I don’t know, Jere,” Belly let out a breath and continued her walk back towards the apartment, “I don’t want to get involved in something between your dad and Conrad. Besides, your dad hates me after what happened between us.”

“Oh, no he doesn’t.” He didn’t sound convincing, “Belly. If Conrad doesn't go, it’s going to be just me and Lydia’s parents. That’s it. Don’d do that to me. He should be there.”

“For you or for him?” Belly was catching on now, he let out a huffy breath on the other end.

“For…both of us?” She stopped and threw her cardboard coffee cup in a trash can and then sat on a bench at the outer edge of the park across from Conrad’s building, “For…the Fisher family as a whole?”

“Uh-huh,”

“Listen,” She heard him swallow and knew he was thinking of a new angle, “Just talk to him, feel him out and let me know where he’s at. I’m being serious about him regretting it. Our dads an asshole sometimes, sure, but he is our dad. This is family. And…if you can get him to go, I’ll make sure my dad knows he went because of you. So, you know, the whole family will be together and happy.”

Belly thought of the future. Conrad did deserve a good relationship with his dad, or as good as it could be. She knew though that if Adam didn’t get over his clear unacceptance of her, that could never happen. There were so many things in motion.

“So,” Belly let out a breath, “I get Conrad to go to the wedding and you convince Adam not to hate me?”

“I guess?” Jeremiah said, sounding unsure if his plan was convincing enough. 

She really could not care less what Adam Fisher thought of her. But, she did want peace for Conrad. 

“Ok, listen,” She bit down on the inside of her cheek, “I will talk to him, but I’m not going to try  to sway him one way or the other. If he doesn’t want to go, or never wants to talk to Adam again, that’s his decision. I can’t…change his mind. That’s not how life works and I trust Conrad.”

“That’s all I’m asking,” Except it wasn’t, but that was fine.

“And in turn, whether he agrees to go or not, you will talk to Adam and tell him the whole wedding mess was mutual destruction. He looks at me like it was all my disaster, and you know as well as I do that if he hates me Conrad will never be able to repair their relationship. No matter what I say.”

“Fair,” She could practically see him nodding diplomatically. 

“Ok, fine.” She breathed, “Deal.”

 

---

 

Notes:

If you are here, thank you. My goal currently is shorter chapters (no more 10k word chaps haha) and more frequent updates. I started to lose sight of that this chapter, so 17 was initially intended to get us through the entirety of the weekend - but - I've decided to cut it into two. Which is good news - because that means the next chapter is coming veryyyy soon.

Anyways - what I really want to say this week is THANK YOU. Truly, genuinely and from the very bottom of my chaotic, writer's heart. This Love was posted on a whim last year on August 23rd, which makes Friday it's first birthday (woohoo!)

I've said it before, but I can't express enough, how grateful I am for all of you who have continued to read along, express interest, reach out with thoughts and theories, and be so beyond supportive - in ways every writer dreams of. I mean that genuinely. It's a rare and precious thing - and maybe I'm being too sentimental (I tend to be) - but writing This Love over the course of the past here has changed me as a writer. Has encouraged me and set a clearer path forward.

I have some fun things (updates and announcements) coming very soon - and a...I'm not sure if I can say this word here so let's just say it starts with a give and ends with an away. If we aren't already connected, come on over to IG and say hi @redclovers.writes

Chapter 19: Chapter 18

Notes:

Hi there... Slowly creeping up from behind a rock and waving my white flag.

If you are still here and reading This Love - thank you! I'm sorry for the long wait - it has been a busy winter and life pushed any time for writing fanfic clear out of the way. But, I am so happy to be back to it and excited for this summer when we finally get season 3 (and our Bonrad happily ever after!)

I'll share more news for This Love in the note at the end so please stop by before you go.

Without any further ado and after a much too long hiatus, I give you... Chapter 18.

'Morning, his place
Burnt toast, Sunday
You keep his shirt
He keeps his word
And for once, you let go
Of your fears and your ghosts
One step, not much
But it said enough'
-Taylor Swift, You Are In Love

 

After her walk, Belly went back to the apartment and thought of how she would broach the topic of Adam’s wedding. She was sure there was no way that Conrad would agree to go, and she was fine with that. She could support and understand it if he decided not to attend.

She didn’t want to try to convince him of anything, but Jeremiah had planted the seed of worry in her mind and she wanted to check in with him. Maybe the weight of his strained relationship with Adam was a heavier burden than she knew. Perhaps, one day in the future, he would regret not giving him another chance while he could. She would never want that for him. 

If Conrad had earned anything, it was peace. She wanted to ease him of the burden of worry and regret that he had been shouldering for far too long.

They had made a plan that morning for her to meet him at the hospital for dinner. 

It was a short drive over to the hospital. With it being Saturday and later in the day, the parking lot was practically empty. She sent him over a quick text that she’d arrived, grabbed the paper take out bags she’d picked up and followed his directions to the lobby. 

He had said he’d be down in a few minutes, so she wasn’t surprised to not find him in the lobby just yet. She smiled politely at the security guard and nodded toward her takeout bags. 

“Hey,” A smile lit up Conrad’s face as he came down the stairs from the mezzanine level. She couldn’t suppress her own smile, not even if she tried. It was purely involuntary because nothing could have prepared her for the sight of Dr. Conrad Fisher. 

“Hi,” She said biting back a smile as she looked him head to toe and back up again. He looked so official, so grown up. She’d anticipated this, but it was still a little like seeing someone without their glasses for the first time. “Doctor Fisher.”

“You found parking alright?” He asked and reached for the bags. 

“I did,” She replied with a nod, “You look very…handsome.”

“Handsome?” 

“I don’t know, just…” She waved her hands toward him, “You look like a real doctor. Which, I know you are — but you seeing you in doctor form…”

“Do you have a thing for uniforms I should know about?” He teased and turned to lead her through the hospital. 

“Shut up,” She chided back with a laugh and nudged her shoulder into his, “I’ve just never seen you like this. Until last summer, you lived on in my memory as a 19 year old version of yourself.”

“Oh yeah,” He grabbed her hand and led her out into an outdoor lounge area, “Do you miss him?”

“19 year old you?” She laughed and shook her head, “You’re like the…upgraded version of him. So I’ve never really needed to.”

“Good,” He held her hand until they were at a rounded table and waited for her to sit before taking his place beside her, “because that guy was a mess.”

“So was I,” She shook her head and pulled the containers from the bags, “but enough about them. How’s your shift going?”

He nodded twice and speared the plastic takeout fork through a piece of chicken, “A little chaotic. The hospital’s short staffed right now, so they’re bouncing residents around.”

“You’re with new patients today then?” She asked, truly curious. 

“For the most part,” He paused for a moment, “I’m set on oncology, and I think I have a good chance of getting the fellowship here next year. But, it’s still nice to see the other specialties.”

“Did you ever consider another specialty,” She asked, “I mean, I remember when you decided you wanted to work with patients you were set on oncology. But, in med school did you ever waver?”

He set down his fork and seemed to think about it, pulling the memories from the back of his mind, “I did,” he nodded in confirmation, “Only because it was difficult at first. It brought up a lot of,” his held tilted to the side and he let out a breath, “I guess memories and feelings I had suppressed. About my mom. I didn’t think I was up for it, to be honest.”

“What made you decide to stick to it?”

“I don’t know exactly,” He furrowed his eyebrows toward his food and she reached for his hand across the table, “I had to face it, I guess. The thing with being a doctor, no matter your specialty, you can’t save everyone. So, sometimes it’s not about saving someone. Sometimes it’s about giving them the best possible fighting chance, giving them every option they have, making the life they have left as comfortable and…”

“It’s okay,” She whispered, squeezing his hand, “you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“No,” He shook his head, “No, I do. I didn’t understand my mom before, why she hesitated about the trial. But, life isn’t infinite. It’s not. And, what she did - what she tried to do - that last summer, I get it now.”

“Yeah,” Belly nodded, a sad smile crossing her lips as she thought of that last summer with Susannah, “I do, too.”

“Sometimes it’s more about finding peace, you know?”

She nodded again and squeezed his hand, “I think you’re a really good doctor.”

“Well,” He raised his eyebrows and a smile broke through his previously somber face, “I think you’re a really good counselor, because you somehow always get me to spill my guts to you.”

“Getting you to spill your guts to me is an art form,” She chuckled, “One that’s taken me 26 years to master.”

“Ha,” He nudged her foot with his own under the table, “What have you been up to today? Sufficiently snooped through all my drawers?”

“Of course,” She teased, “Actually, Jere called me.”

“Oh?”

“He wants me to talk to you about Adam’s wedding,” She rolled her eyes, “Actually, he wants me to convince you to go.”

“Well,” Conrad took a bite of his food, “You’re not doing a very good job.”

“I’m not trying to convince you to do anything you don’t want to,” She shook her head with a smile, “Especially not when it comes to Adam.”

“He came to see me here a few weeks ago,” He admitted, she was surprised that he wasn’t automatically shutting the idea down. 

“Really?” Belly bit the inside of his cheek, “About the wedding.”

Conrad nodded, and reached into his backpack, “Yeah, he brought me this.”

He slid a white envelope across to her and she took it in her hands, confused. 

“What is it?”

“Travel vouchers,” He nodded and gestured for her to open the envelope, “For you and me to go to the wedding. I guess they both think you’ll be able to get me there.”

She peeked inside the envelope, resealed it and then slid it across the table to him. Jeremiah hadn’t seemed to know this part. 

“Are you wanting to go?” She asked, the question coming out slowly. 

“No.” He said quickly. picked the envelope back up and held it so firmly between his fingers that for a split second she was sure he was going to tear it in half. 

“It’s okay,” She reached for his hand again, “if you do want to go. Or if you’re confused about…if you want to go.”

“I’m not—“ he let out a huffy breath and shoved the envelope in his bag, “I can afford my own tickets.”

“Of course you can,” Belly bit back a laugh, not wanting to stop him from working through his feelings. She was sure the true source of his frustration went beyond ego and pride. 

“He comes here and gives me these,” he gestured toward his bag, “As if I can’t go because of money. From the man who made me buy my mother’s house back from him? He’s unbelievable.”

“I agree,” she tried to catch his eye, “But, maybe he didn’t mean it that way. Maybe he intended it as an…olive branch?”

“You sound like Jere,” he groaned, “Please don’t take his side in this.”

“I’m always on your side, Conrad,” she scooted around the curved bench until she was beside him, “I support whatever decision you make. Go no contact if that’s what you need to do. But, I just want you to make the decision that’s best for you. I don’t care about how Adam feels, I care about you.”

“I know,” He sighed, “to be honest, Belly, I’m not sure what’s right. I’m not sure what my mom would want me to do.”

“I think Susannah would want you to do whatever feels right in your heart,” Belly pressed her lips together and shook her head, “He is your dad. Going to the wedding doesn’t mean he has a free pass, or that you forgive him. It just means he’s family. And you’re there. Show up even if he doesn’t, because you’re the better man.”

He nodded quickly, “I’ll think about it,”

“I don’t think you have much time to decide.” From what she understood, the wedding was only a few weekends away. The weekend before Conrad’s upcoming birthday week, at that. 

They had the outdoor patio swung open and two people - a man and woman- walked through the doors with hospital trays of food and clad in scrubs identical to Conrad’s. 

“Hey, Fisher,” The man nodded in greeting. 

“Collins, Augie,” Conrad nodded his head back and waved, the pair walked toward them and sat at the table facing across from their own, “This is my girlfriend, Isabel.”

She loved the rare occasion that he used her full name. She preferred being called Belly, but there was something about being Isabel. And about being his girlfriend. His. 

“Hi,” Belly waved and smiled in their direction. 

“The infamous girlfriend,” The man joked and the woman added, “Fisher talks about you all the time. Nice to meet you.”

“Belly, this is Collins,” he pointed toward the man, “And Augie. We’re in the same program.”

“Nice to meet you,” She said politely, a blush creeping up her cheeks and a spark that felt like a teenage crush surging in her core. He talked about her all the time at work. If she could travel through time and tell her younger self that one day the super hot, grown up version of Conrad would be a doctor who talked about her with his doctor friends she was sure she would create some kind of ripple in the matrix because teenage Belly would have died at this development. 

“A group of us are grabbing drinks tonight after our shift,” Augie said, looking between the two, “You guys wanna come?”

Belly looked to Conrad at the same time he looked to her in question. As if to say, it’s up to you. Conrad turned back to the pair, “We’ll think about it, she’s only here for the weekend so…”

“We get it,” Augie smiled and Collins made kissing noises - causing his companion to nudge his shoulder and shake her head, “Grow up.”

Belly laughed and turned back to Conrad, “Could be fun.”

“Maybe, but,” He squeezed her thigh firmly under the table, “I kind of want you alone.”

 

---

 

He had almost forgotten about that stupid envelope and Adam’s request for him to come to the wedding. He had tossed it in his bag and let it slip from his mind - easily and happily occupied with work and Belly. His two priorities. His only two priorities, if he was being honest. 

Now, after talking to Belly about it, the envelope felt heavy. As if its presence was taunting him from inside his bag - which was already back inside his locker. 

Fucking Jeremiah. He was irritated that his brother would rope Belly into the equation. It would be one thing if they’d talked about it, but Jere hadn’t brought it up. Not in a while at least, and even then it was only a passive conversation. In Between patients he huffed and pulled his phone from pocket to send a quick message off to his brother. 

 

Conrad: can you leave Belly out of this Adam wedding bullshit please? 

 

Jeremiah: Can you just get over yourself and come? Don’t make me be there alone when dad gets married. 

 

Conrad’s heart sank at the text. He had been so caught up in his own anger, annoyance, and ambivalence towards his father that he hadn’t thought of that part. He rolled his eyes at himself and the entire situation and stuffed his phone back into his pocket before heading back up to finish his shift.

---

 

Usually he was the first to volunteer to stay late and do the last rounds. Tonight though, Conrad was eager to get back home. It was nice to have a reason to go home, to have someone waiting for him and a life outside the walls of the hospital. The passion he felt for medicine and his commitment to his patients was unwavering, but it no longer felt like his only reason. For the first time in years, he felt like himself. Belly had given him that.

“Jesus, Fisher, you got hot jets under your feet?” His fellow resident, Jones, joked as Conrad swifty moved around the locker room.

“Nah, his girlfriend is in town,” Collins answered wiggling his eyebrows up and down in Conrad’s direction. Something every resident understood, if you were in a relationship the time you had together was to be cherished. 

“Oooh,” They all said in unison and Conrad shook his head, a smile dancing its way across his face. He didn’t embarrass easily, but when it came to Belly he could’t help but smile.

He finished his charting for the night, changed quickly and headed out. Grateful for the close proximity to his apartment and even more so for the girl waiting for him.

He couldn’t even begin to imagine the amount of shit Steven or Jeremiah would give him if he ever voiced how truly gone he was. The way his apartment felt warmer as he unlocked the door and stepped inside. Over the course of one weekend the space had gone from having that new apartment smell to something familiar and cozy. She had lit the candles he bought, opened the blinds and brought a sense of warmth.

Aside from the beach house, this was the first time a place had started to feel like home in a long time. Since his mom.

“Belly?” He asked, hanging his bag and coat by the door. For some reason he had expected her by the door as she had been the day before, but there was no sign of her. 

He poked his head around the corner to see if she was in the living room or kitchen, and then followed the glow of the light from bedroom.

“Hey,” He said as he stepped into the room. She wasn’t there either, but the adjoining door to the bathroom was cracked open.

“Connie?” She called out and he followed her voice like siren song.

If she had been taken by the sight of him in scrubs today, this was his own version of that. Belly neck high in bubbles, soaking in the bath. The soft curves of her body peeking out beneath the suds. The whisper of her thighs, her breasts bobbing in the water like buoys. He was going to need a life raft.

“Wow, hello,” He swallowed a laugh and grinned at her as she adjusted her hair on top of her head and shifted to look toward him, small waves of bath water rolling softly across her body.

“I was wondering when you’d be back,” He was finding it hard not to stare his way through the bubbles, “I was restless. I went down to the gym and then a bath sounded so nice. I hope you don’t mind.”

“How could I ever mind coming home to this?” He unzipped his sweatshirt and stepped into the bathroom, crouching beside the tub, “You’re a mermaid.”

“Maybe,” She flipped her ankle up and splashed  a little water toward him, “It was nice to see  you in your doctor element today.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” He reached forward and pinched at the strand of hair that had come loose from her bun, “But I don’t think you liked that even near as much I like this.”

“Which part?” She squinted her eyes at him and adjusted herself slightly, causing the bubbles that had gathered around her clavicle to dissipate into the water. He tucked the strand of hair back into her bun and then trailed his fingers down her temple, looping across her cheek and her neck. He felt her chest inflate as her breath caught just as his hand dipped beneath the water and onto her breast. 

“I think you know,” He said huskily, drawing the softest of circles around her nipple in a way that he had the distinct pleasure of knowing that she loved.

His pants felt entirely too tight. It was dangerous, but her relief felt more pressing than his own. 

“And what else?” She looked at him through her lashes, her eyes heavy and hooded. It would take a lifetime for her to understand the effect she had on him, the magnetic pull. 

He pressed his thumb into the tip of her nipple and then laid his palm flat beneath her breast, slowly inching his fingers further into the water. Her body bobbed toward the surface as she inhaled and he caught a glimpse of the space between her legs, opening hungrily as if on instinct. As if he knew the exact combination to unlock her desire. How fucking lucky could he be?

Her head dropped back against the back of the tub as his index and middle fingers pressed between her and gently circled. It wasn’t her breasts or her core that he found the most erotic. She was beautiful, her body was gorgeous. But her eyes, the way they locked on his own as her teeth bit at the edge of her lower lip. There was nothing sexier than that. 

“I don’t think,” He knelt forward, his hand still moving beneath the water, and kissed her hairline, “Anything makes me happier than making you feel good. Its my favorite thing.”

“Conrad,” She replied, her eyes on his lips and he knew what she wanted. He leaned forward again, adjusting his body against the outside of the tub so that he could press his lips to hers as she unraveled against his hand,  “Shit,” was all she could say against his tongue as her chest heaved and her body made ripples of the water. 

By the time they were done, the floor was soaked. Belly’s legs shook just slightly as she stepped from the tub and he wrapped her in a plush towel.

She started to wipe an extra towel across the floor, but Conrad swooped her up into his arms and shook his head.  “Don’t worry about that.”

“Okay,” She obliged as he carried her to the bed, “That was quite the greeting.”

“Don’t act innocent,” He chided, throbbing even harder as she unwrapped the towel from her body and tossed it onto the floor, “You knew what you were doing getting in that bath right before I got home. I think it was all a part of some master plan.”

“You’re onto me,” She twisted around until she was on all fours and then leaned toward him, “Are you ever going to take these off,”

He lifted his bottom and let her pull down his pants, bringing his boxers with them. She eyed him and then motioned toward his shirt. Now it was his turn to oblige. 

“Jesus,”  She hummed, trailing her index finger across his abs, “Now who is tempting who?”

“I think it’s still you,” His body pulsed toward her and she smiled knowingly. 

“Fair,” Her head dipped lower and he couldn’t hold back the groan as her mouth wrapped around him.

“Fuck,” He sighed, not sure how it was even medically possible to be this hard. She was going to be the death of him. 

“You like that,” She asked innocently, her mouth making a popping sound as she pulled away. 

“You already know,” He shook his head in amazement and then weakly added,  “You don’t have to,” As she closed back around him, hot and wet.

Her head bobbed up three times and then she looked back up at him, “Maybe making you feel good is my favorite thing, too.”

“You do a really good job of it,” His hips thrust upward and she gagged slightly, still not slowing down. 

He felt like he could burst. As if his body might explode into a million little pieces and propel across the universe. She seemed to pick up on this too and quickly pulled away. They had the same thought.

He reached toward her ass, gripping firmly as she positioned a thigh on each side of his body and moved herself onto him. He didn’t ever want to finish anywhere else but inside her, not for the rest of his life. 

Once they were spent, they fell asleep still joined together. His arms wrapped tightly across her waist and his head buried in her hair. 

 

---

 

When she woke the next morning, she was instantly hit with both the smell of coffee and a cloud of dread. Sunday meant goodbye. It felt neither possible or right to pack herself back into her car and drive four hours away to a life that was starting to feel less like her own or more like forcing herself in a pair of jeans a few sizes too small.

“Whats all this?” She said, stretching awake as her bare feet padded across the apartment and toward the kitchen. She had nothing but one of Conrad’s old t-shirts on. 

“Good morning,” He greeted her, rounding the kitchen island with a mug of coffee exactly the color she preferred, “I made breakfast.”

“You’re incredible,” She accepted the mug and a kiss to her forehead as she leaned into his shirtless body, “One day I’ll wake up before you and be the one to make breakfast.”

His laugh vibrated through his body to her own and he dropped a hand to her bare ass, squeezing gently, “I doubt it, but I am okay with being on Belly breakfast duty for the rest of my life.”

“If you insist,” She took a long sip of her coffee, unsure where he got his morning motivation. 

“I do,” 

“Alright then,” She shrugged and scooted into the stool he had pulled out for her against the island, “I’m not one to take a man’s dreams away.”

She wasn’t ready to speak the words or admit it to anyone other than herself, but Belly could see herself falling into this new life in Boston with Conrad. It felt like an evolution, like shedding her old skin and accepting the glow of a new, better version of herself. It also felt terrifying and just out of reach, so she tucked the idea into the back corner of her mind and promised to come back to explore it more soon. 

---

Goodbye had always been the worst part when it came to Conrad. Even back when they were teenagers, there was always the looming exodus. She knew that he felt it too. If anything, the weekend had only solidified the arduity of long distance. Now they had a taste of what it could be like - of the comfort of someone waiting on the other side of the door. The lazy, slow Sunday in bed and breakfast at the kitchen island. Burnt pancakes and all, a product of sweet distraction. 

“You’ll call me when you get home?” Conrad asked against the top of her head, planting what could only be the thousandth kiss of the day at her temple.

“I’ll probably call you long before then,” She answered into his chest, inhaling deeply as if she could bottle the feeling of being in his arms and store it in her lungs until the next time.  

“This sucks,” She couldn’t help but laugh in response. It sounded like something he would’ve said in response to the moms grounding them from video games once upon a summer, “As much as I don’t want to let go, I don’t want you driving in the dark again.”

“I know,” She groaned and glanced back toward her car. They had been saying goodbye for longer than she would admit to anyone. It was borderline pathetic, but she didn’t even care. She was worse than any lovesick teenager. 

“I love you,” He placed a hand on each side of her face, his thumbs gently stroking under her cheekbones and kissed her forehead. It sent a shiver of pure bliss straight down her spine.

It wasn’t until she was out of the parking garage and around the corner that she let a few tears fall down her cheeks. She tried to imagine the day when this part was done, when they were living together. Their time together would far outweigh their time apart… eventually. She knew that, but it didn’t do much to help the ache in her heart or how much she was going to be missing him in the now.

Halfway through the drive, he called her. “I think you’re right,” he said, the sound of the treadmill whirring in the background.

“I usually am,” She laughed, “But what am I right about this time?”

“My dad,” She heard him adjust the treadmill, slow to a walk, “I have to go to the wedding.”

“Yeah,” She said slowly, sensing there was more. 

“But, I just,” He paused, “Is there any way I can convince you to come with me?”

“Well,” She didn’t want to go to Adam’s wedding, but she’d pretty much go anywhere if it meant time with Conrad at this point, “Okay.”

 

---

“Okay, what is the vibe of this wedding?” Taylor said, her back to Belly as she scanned her closet.

“Beachy, I guess?” Belly said, “I actually have no idea.”

Taylor gave her a look over her shoulder, “I find it doubtful that Mr. Corporate is having a beachy wedding with his child bride.”

The thing about Taylor was that she could hold a grudge, and she would. She had been there when Adam had scorned Belly over the wedding, letting her shoulder the blame for all of the chaos and wasted resources. 

“She’s not that young.”  Belly defended weakly, “And its on an island, that must mean beachy. Right?”

“She was in middle school when he was a full blown adult raising children.” Taylor said with her eyebrows raised and then pulled out a long pink, flowy dress from her closet, “This might work.”

“Regardless, I’m not going for Adam,”  Belly pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it on the bed behind her.

“I know, I know,” Taylor handed her the dress and then zipped up the back.

“I look like a bag of cotton candy,” She sighed toward the mirror.

“You do not,” Taylor laughed, “But fine, let me see what else I have.”

Belly hoped they would never outgrow this part of their friendship – raiding each other’s closets. It felt nostalgic, a ritual that had followed them from junior high to college and now well into their twenties. The epitome of girlhood.

“Okay, this might be it,” Taylor said to the third dress, “You have the boobs for this, does it feel like it’s going to fall? Can you imagine accidentally flashing everyone at a Fisher wedding?”

“You are sick,” Belly laughed and then turned to take in her side profile, “But you’re right. It does look good.”

“Ok, shoes,” Taylor turned back to her closet and eyed her shoe selection, “Which ones?”

“Those,” Belly answered, pointing  to the kitten heels in Taylor’s left hand.

“These will be better, though,” Taylor argued and then handed her both pair, “Just bring both.”

“Fine,” Belly turned to her to unzip the dress, “My mom is being a little weird about me going to the wedding. Has she said anything to Steven?”

“No,” Taylor’s hands were cold against Belly’s back as she helped her out of it, “But, I’m sure Laurel understands. I mean, I’m no fan of Adam, but Susannah has been gone for a long time.”

“Yeah,” Belly nodded, redressing, “I know. I think it's just weird for her.”

“Since we are on the topic of Laurel being weird,” Taylor made a face, “Is she mad about Thanksgiving?”

“Honestly,” Belly packed her borrowed shoes into her tote bag, “I think she’s relieved.”

Taylor and Steven had asked to host Thanksgiving for the first time. With the chaos the last minute wedding decision and their busy schedules, Belly hadn’t even had the chance to bring up the holidays to Conrad yet. To say his schedule was full would be an understatement, but she hoped there was a way to get at least a slice of their first grown up holiday season as a couple.

“Okay, good,” Taylor sighed, “I’ll need your help with sides, and drinks. And probably desserts?”

“Of course,” Belly laughed. That was the strange thing about time, overnight they became adults. 

 

---

“I should have asked you this sooner,” Belly said, her phone tucked between her ear and shoulder as she spread butter onto her toast, “Is there a dress code or anything for this wedding?”

Conrad made a sound on the other side of the phone, “I have no idea, to be honest.”

“Can you find out?” She asked, switching over the speaker phone, “I raided Taylor’s closet today, but I want to make sure my dress is appropriate.”

“Honestly, you’ll be fine in whatever you wear.” He replied, “More than fine. You could wear those little cut-off jean shorts and still be the best looking one there.”

“I doubt that,” She shook her head even though he couldn’t see her, “Adam hates me, let's be honest. At least let me get off on a good foot with Lydia.”

“Whatever dress you have is fine,” Conrad said again, insisting, “Don’t inconvenience yourself for them.”

“Okay,” Belly sighed, looking over at the buttery yellow dress from Taylor, “Please tell me your attitude on this doesn’t mean you’ll be showing up in scrubs. On second thought, I’ve seen you in scrubs, so, maybe…”

“Funny,” Conrad replied, “You wear your jean shorts and I’ll wear my scrubs. Adam will regret insisting that we come.”

Although he had changed his mind about going, his attitude had not flipped with the decision. If anything, he had gotten more sour about the whole thing. Belly wasn’t sure if it was just his general disapproval of Adam, the wedding, or something more. 

“We’ll make the most of it,” She reminded him, “You’re doing the right thing.”

“I guess,” He let out a long breath and she wished she could reach through the phone and squeeze his hand, “Enough about that. How else was your day? How was dinner with Taylor and Steven last night?”

“It was good,” She paused to take a bite of her toast, “I feel less third-wheely with them now that I’m not actually alone.”

“I wish I had been there,” He said earnestly.

“Me too,” She carried her plate over the couch and sat cross-legged, swallowing her last bite of toast, “Which reminds me, we’re doing Thanksgiving at Taylor and Steven’s this year. I know with your schedule it might not work out, but, if it does…”

“That sounds nice,” He said genuinely, and she wondered when the last time he had actually done anything for Thanksgiving had been, “We’ll make it work, I might not be able to stay long or I might be late. I’ll figure out my schedule.”

“Okay,” 

“I promise it won’t always be like this,” He said, his voice almost at a whisper. 

“I know, the distance is temporary.”

“Not just that,” She could practically see him shake his head, “The schedule. I mean, there will always be long days and long hours. Especially to start. But, Belly, I am not going to be like my dad. You – this life we are building– will always come first.”

“I know that too,” She replied softly, her words a caress to the worry she could hear in his voice, “I’m going to let them know that I won’t be back next school year.”

“You–what?” 

“It doesn’t make sense, I’ll find something in Boston. Something closer.”

“Is that what you want?”

“You are all I’ve ever wanted.”

“So, this summer then?”

“This summer.”

“You have no idea how happy you just made me.”

Notes:

Thank you for sticking with me!

I know it has been much too long since I have updated, but I have a clear path and plan to get This Love fully wrapped (with clean edges and really nice bow - you know the ones), before season 3.

What's to come?

Adam's wedding, the holidays, a few blunders, and that's just in the next few chapters.

If you are not already connected on Instagram, please follow along @redclovers.writes - I will be back up to my antics and sharing sneak peeks and polls.

Kudos and comments are pure writers' fuel- its science. If you liked this chapter and are ready for more, please leave a comment!

See you soon!!!

Chapter 20: Chapter 19

Notes:

Heyyyy, it's me. Back with Chapter 19 - what? You didn't believe me when I said I wasn't done? I pinky promise, this story isn't over. We're getting closer to our HEA, but there's much more story to tell...

Anyways, we'll catch up later. I know you're ready to dive back in.

But first, just a friendly reminder - this story was started and will continue to exist is the universe prior to season 3's release. That means certain plot points do not exist in This Love land. Consider seasons 1,2 and book 3 canon (minus the letters, but you already know that)

'But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm
If your cascade ocean wave blues come,
All these people think love's for show
But I would die for you in secret,
The devil's in the details, 
But you've got a friend in me'
-Taylor Swift, Peace

 

 

“Connie, is that you?” Susannah asked, her voice barely above a whisper as if it was draining just to say the words. It was. That much was clear. Merely being alive was exhausting her. 

“It’s me,” He answered from where he had been leaning in the doorway watching her sleep. 

It wasn’t so much that he was trying not to wake her, more that he was avoiding facing her decline. She was moving downhill at a rate that scared the shit out of him. Her body had turned on her, depleted her and there was no fight left. There was nothing that he could do, it had all spun out of anyone’s grasp before there had even been time to process the progression. 

It was the first time in his life that he could feel time moving, not just in an abstract sense but as if it was a physical force slipping from his grip. Slowly, slowly, until that last quick and final jerk that he knew was coming. That he would never be able to brace for, never be strong enough to stop. Yet, it was inescapable. There was nowhere to turn, no alternate option. 

“Come in,” She outstretched her hand toward him and then motioned to the side of her bed. He dipped his head and with a shaky breath, lowered himself to sit in the empty space beside her. 

Two versions of himself existed in that moment, the little boy he had once been and the man he was becoming. He closed his eyes and wished he could escape into the past, be that little boy again if not just for a minute. If he could open his eyes and see her there - healthy and smiling. He wished he didn’t know what was coming next, that he could be blind to it. 

There was no preparing for it, he knew that much. When it came it was going to be sharp and cut deep regardless of how much he braced for impact. 

“Mom,” He opened his eyes and looked at her finally, the familiar home of her gaze and soft caress of her hand on top of his. She was possibly the only person in the world who loved him wholly. Who saw him as perfect. There is no love like a mothers love, no comfort like her arms. He had taken it all for granted and now he wanted to turn back the hands of time and live it all over again. One last summer. 

That’s what she had tried to give them all. That’s what he had been robbed of by knowing, but the gift he hoped he had been able to give his brother and the Conklins. He hoped they remembered her last summer fondly. He didn’t, he couldn’t.

“Belly came to see me yesterday,” Her eyes held his and she gave him that soft, knowing look. He wasn’t going to tell her they had broken up, but he knew that she would know. If not from Laurel, from her own instinct. She had been so happy that he was with Belly, almost relieved, and he hated that he had taken that from her. He had hurt everyone, himself included and he couldn’t make heads of his own thoughts for long enough to fix anything. 

“How was she?” He finally asked, flexing his jaw and looking down and their joined hands. She was going to see straight through him, straight down to his hurt if he wasn’t careful and he didn’t want to put that on her. Not now. There was no time left for anything to be about him. 

“She loves you,” She reached her free hand toward him and placed her hand softly against his cheek, “Conrad, you are going to need people who love you.”

He shook his head and blinked as if he could make his eyes swallow down the tears that were threatening to give him away, “I’m okay.”

“You don’t have to be strong,” She smiled at him sadly, adjusting the lines of her oxygen tubing so it didn’t tangle as she moved to adjust her bed to be sitting up further. 

“Trust me,” He answered, “I don’t feel strong.”

“You put on a brave face, you always have,” She squeezed his hand, “I think,” She sucked in a breath and he wasn’t sure if she was struggling for words or the strength to speak, “I think I’ve let you be brave enough for me for too long.”

“No, Mom, no,” He squinted and shook the notion away, “You’re brave. You did the trial, remember? You’ve fought so hard.”

“It wasn’t enough, Connie.” She shut her eyes, but only for a brief moment and then gripped his hand tighter, “You’re going to be alright, you are.”

“I will be,” It didn’t feel like it. He was going to lose her, his anchor - and he’d already lost Belly. Jeremiah could barely look at him. He had no respect for his dad. He wasn’t sure he would be alright once the dust settled. But he couldn’t let her worry about him anymore. 

“You always find your way.” She smiled, small and weary, “I love you so much, you and your brother. You have been the greatest joy of my life. Look after each other, take care of him for me, Connie.”

Conrad nodded twice and tightened his grip on her hand, squeezing three times in secret code, “I promise.”

“And take care of yourself. Live a big life,” She paused for a moment and took a deep breath,  “And the house, take care of the house. Keep the magic alive for me, will you? Make sure you all find your way back there. I’m counting on you.”

“Of course, mom, everyone is going to be okay.” He kissed her forehead, he didn’t think he’d ever done that before but she seemed now like the child, “You don’t have to worry.”

In her last days, Susannah had been quiet. It was the first time in his life that he had seen his mother be still. There was so much that he wanted to ask her, so much that he wanted to say, but he hadn’t been sure how to even begin to put the words together. 

She had died two days later, looking peaceful and he hoped with all his might that she had felt loved and carefree as she slipped away. He didn’t like to think of that day or remember her fading away. 

When he thought of her, which he did often, he pictured her walking down the beach, barefoot and laughing. He pictured her at her easel, deep in thought with paint smudged across her forehead. In the garden. Smiling. He always remembered her happy and full of magic. Because she had been, she really had been.

He wished he had told her that the magic would never leave the beach house, it wasn’t possible. She was the magic and she existed everywhere she loved and in everyone who had loved her. 

Now, almost a decade later, he wasn’t sure why the memories of his mother on her deathbed were flooding back. He wasn’t sure why moving forward with his father, required sorting through the deepest of heartaches. He had felt deeply introspective since agreeing to go, even more so than usual.

The closer it got to Adam’s wedding, the deeper the wave of grief was pulling him under. 

---

 

“Is black coffee okay?” Laurel asked, her head in the fridge, “I guess I’m out of milk.”

“That’s perfect,” Conrad nodded, standing to accept the mug she offered, “Any form of caffeine is welcome at this point.”

“How’s the new rotation?” She asked once they’d settled into the living room. The way she curled her feet under herself and leaned onto the side of the armchair reminded him of his mom. Growing up, mornings had always been just for them. His dad was always gone for work before the rest of the house woke, and Jere usually slept in. Conrad loved that space of time in the morning when he had her full attention. 

“It’s been good,” He answered thoughtfully, “The month was so chaotic and they were scrambling us around to wherever needed coverage, but I’ve been mostly in surgical oncology the last few weeks, which has been amazing.”

“That’s good,” She smiled genuinely and sat her mug of coffee on the end table, “And it’s going well between you and Belly? With the long distance?”

“Yeah,” Despite his best efforts he felt his cheeks bursting into an embarrassingly big smile. Like a kid denying a crush. 

Laurel nodded knowingly, “Good.”

“She said,” He cleared this throat, not knowing exactly how to broach the topic, “Well, she’s worried you might be upset about her coming to Adam’s wedding.”

“Oh,” She sounded surprised, but then tilted her head and seemed to consider if she was. Like perhaps she hadn’t even yet processed how she felt herself. “No, no. I’m not. Your mom would want you to have a good relationship with him, Conrad. It’s good that you’re going. I know it hasn’t been easy between you two.”

“It is weird though, right?” She was maybe the only person who would level with him in that fact. 

“I don’t know if weird is the right way to describe it,” She sighed, “For me, I think it’s bringing up my own anger. Just angry at anyone who still gets to be alive. But, that isn’t fair, Beck would want him to be happy. She would want all of you to be happy.”

“Yeah, I think I’m feeling that way, too. Just resentment, that he gets to be happy.”  Conrad shook his head, “Laur, I think I’m only going for her. Because she’d want me there with Jere.”

“She’d want you to be close to Adam, too, Connie.” Her voice was gentle and motherly, “I know that you know things weren’t perfect between them. But, she loved him. She did.”

“I know,” And he did know that, but he also knew she hadn’t been loved back the way she deserved, at least not always, “But she wasn’t happy in the end.”

“You’re right,” He liked when she talked to him like they were equals, she had always done that with him. Sparing him the usual bullshit answers the way most adults would, even before he had become one himself,  “Maybe she would have left him and he would still be getting remarried now regardless.”

Conrad nodded,  “I think about that sometimes, about how different life would be if she was still here.”

“Me too,” Laurel admitted with a sad smile.

“She should have been able to get a second act,” He shut his eyes and pictured her healthy, laughing on the beach with her sandals in her hands, “She should have been able to live life for herself. She always wanted to get her work in a gallery again.”

“She deserved that,” She smiled softly  toward the end table, “She deserved to get better, to be healthy. To finally leave Adam–no offence–and live for herself. Travel, fall in love. She deserved so much more life.”

“Yeah,” He couldn’t look at her face because if he did, he might tear up. 

“But Conrad,” Her voice was stronger now, how he imagined it was when she had taught, “We get to live for her. We get to be the best of ourselves in her honor.”

She was right, and he was finally starting to feel like he had the life his mom would want for him. 

They finished the pot of coffee and let their conversation meander until it was time for him to go meet Belly and head to the airport. 

 

---

With the way their schedules had lined up, he hadn’t yet made it to visit her. The fact that she had been the one to have to drive to him had been bothering him so he had insisted that they book the flight from Philadelphia instead of Boston. 

“Hey,” She flung the door open at the first knock, a wide smile spread across her face. Still the prettiest smile he’d ever seen. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close as he walked through the threshold into her apartment.

“Hey,” He smiled back and dipped his head to kiss her, “How was your day?”

“Don’t even get me started,” She shook her head and turned to her room, zipping shut her suitcase, “I don’t know what the point in having us put together development curriculums even is when admin is going to change every key point and do it in whatever way best suits their budget and not their students.”

“Frusterating,” He hated seeing her upset and working in an environment that wasn’t set up for her to thrive. Sometimes it made him feel guilty for loving his job so much. The hours were long, the work could be mentally taxing, but he woke up happy to go back every day. The only downside to his job was the distance it was keeping between him and the girl he loves. 

“I’m forgetting about it for the weekend. It’s Monday’s problem,” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, “A long weekend with you is exactly what I need.”

“We could,” He leaned torward her and kissed her lips gently placing a hand on each of her hips, “Bail on the wedding and stay here for the weekend. Hole up in your bed, order take out. Watch any old movie you want five dozen times.”

“Mmmm,” She hummed so close to his lips that he could feel the vibration and circled her arms around his neck, “As enticing at that sounds, no.”

“Come on,” He kissed her again, smiling into it as her body melted into his. She was always so gentle in her kisses, soft and slow as she was trying to savor him. He loved that, he loved how it was never hurried. Passionate? Most definitely, but never sloppy. Always intentional.

She pulled away slowly, her bottom lipped trapped between his teeth, “You put up a good fight, but we’re going. You’ll be mad at yourself later if we don’t.”

He slid his hands up to her shoulders and kissed her forehead before turning to get her bags, “We better get to the airport then.”

“I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re an airport dad.” She laughed and reached for her purse, making sure she had her wallet and ID. 

“A what?”

“We’re way early,” She zipped her purse and shook her head at him jokingly, “And I’ll bet  you even packed snacks for us.”

“There’s usually just junk on the planes,” He shrugged, “I don’t want you going hungry. What if there’s a delay?”

“You’re perfect,” She kissed his cheek and followed him into the hallways, locking her door on the way out. 

“Thank god you think so.” She had to love him, he thought, otherwise there was no way in hell she would be willingly coming on this trip.

---

 

She wasn’t sure what kind of magic he had had to pull to get the weekend off for the wedding. Whatever it had been, she was sure Adam wouldn’t understand or appreciate the gesture, nor the fact that he was utterly exhausted. He’d been working 16 hour shifts in the hospital all week, ending up assisting in an unplanned surgery until after midnight just a day prior. 

“Are you okay?” She asked, nudging her arm against his in the back of the airport shuttle. 

He pulled at the fabric of his collar, fanning air into his shirt and nodded, “Yeah,” the smile he gave her didn’t even attempt to reach his eyes, but she let it go. 

“Do you know how many people will be here? Jere said it was going to be a smaller wedding.” She had gotten most of her information about the wedding through Jeremiah. Both because Conrad had been extremely busy in the weeks leading up to it, and because he was apathetic to the point of complete disinterest. He didn’t know and he didn’t care, which she decided was fair.

“Uh,” Conrad looked at her guiltily, “I really don’t know. On our side, I think it’s just us. I imagine some of Lydia’s family will be here. Maybe her parents?”

“I guess we’ll see,” She leaned over his side to get a glance out the window, through the trees she could see the teal blue ocean, “Jere said your dad booked us a villa.”

“Yeah,” He nodded, “We’ll be sharing with Jeremiah. I can get us a room if you’d prefer. Sorry, I was going to ask earlier in the week and then I just—“ he motioned in the air, silencing communiticsting about his busy schedule. 

“No,” She shook her head, “It’ll be fine. I think it will be good for you guys to get more time together.”

“I’d prefer more time with you,” He draped his arm around her shoulders and his eyes softened for the first time since they’d boarded their flight, “If I get a choice.”

“I promise you plenty,” Her body lurched forward slightly as the shuttle came to a stop. She was trying to remain positive and hopeful about the weekend, leaning into her role as supportive girlfriend, but as they arrived at the resort a bubble of worry floated its way up her  throat. The weekend would either be smooth sailing, or a complete wreckage. There was never an inbetween when it came to the Fishers. It was just Thursday evening into Sunday morning. She could survive that, they both could. 

“Oh,” The lady at the front desk’s face lit up when Conrad told her his name, “For the Fisher wedding?”

“Yep,” Conrad nodded, “That’s us.”

“Fantastic!” She clapped her hands together and turned to the counter behind the desk, “This just came for you!” She smiled brightly and handed them a gold bottle of champagne with a card hanging from a curled red ribbon around the neck of the bottle.

“For us?” Conrad asked and turned the card over in his hand.

“Yes, congratulations Mr Fisher,” She turned to Belly and winked, “And future Mrs Fisher.”

“We’re not–” Belly started, but stopped when she saw Conrad’s amused smirk.

“Thank you,” He was biting back a laugh, “It looks like the board sent a celebratory gift for our big day.”

“Oh did they?” Belly lifted her eyebrows and pressed her lips together to hide her smile. She was sure the woman would realize her mistake any minute and ask for the bottle back. 

“Here are your keys, and a map of the property. Just leave your bags here and we’ll have them delivered to your villa in a moment.”

Conrad shot her a winning grin and raised the champagne bottle in celebration as they walked the trail toward the beach where their villa was. 

“Should we have done that?” She asked, laughing. She loved when he acted carefree like this. 

“Ah,” He shrugged, “Who cares? They can’t miss what they never had.”

He put an arm around her shoulders and she leaned into his side. The sun was starting to set, she knew she should be tired but the salt in the air reinvigorated her. That and getting to be near Conrad. That was the perk of this weekend. Maybe that was the perk of everything now. 

“Are we sure this is the right villa?” She asked at a whisper when he fished the key from his pocket, the map of the property folded neatly in his hands still, “I mean, if they thought we were the bride and groom wouldn’t they have given us…your dad's villa?”

He hesitated for a minute, “I guess we’ll have to fork over that champagne if that’s true. It’s either Adam or Jeremiah behind this door.”

She did not want to start the weekend by accidentally breaking into Adam’s space, but Conrad was going for it. He pushed the door open and the dim light of the open concept kitchen welcomed her in. 

“Hey,” She let out a sigh of relief at the sound of Jeremiah’s welcome, “I was starting to worry you had flaked.”

“No, we’re here.” Conrad patted his brother on the back. 

“It was touch and go,” Belly joked, and then looked behind Jeremiah to the blonde leaning against the island. 

“Surpise,” Jeremiah said, following her eyesight, “I convinced Sam to be my date.”

“Hey, Samantha,” Belly crossed the kitchen to hug her, “good to see you.”

“We scored the good stuff,” Jeremiah pulled a ziploc from his pocket with two rolled joints, “There’s a private hot tub in the back, want to join us?”

Belly and Conrad communicated with a look, “We’re good,” Conrad answered, “I have to get Belly down to the beach, it's been too long since my girl has had her feet in the water.”

“More for us,” He winked at Sam and handed her the bag, “I’ll meet you out there, let me show Conrad their room.”

“So,” Conrad nodded toward the door after Sam had walked out, “any impending wedding we should know about?”

“Funny,” Jeremiah responded dryly, “we’re just figuring it out, I guess.”

“What does that mean?” Belly asked, hoping whatever it meant wouldn’t result in any explosive fights that they’d get stuck between this weekend. 

“I don’t really know,” He admitted with a shrug, “she agreed to give it another go. We’re taking it really slow.”

Conrad nodded and Belly could tell he was trying hard not to comment or share his thoughts. 

“I mean, really slow. Like, really, really slow.” Jeremiah repeated, “If you get what I’m saying.”

“Yeah, I think we get it.” Belly rolled her eyes. 

“Anyways,” Jeremiah waved his baggie of joints and headed for the door, “Dad and Lydia are out on a sunset cruise or something, so he told me to tell you the plan is brunch at 10 tomorrow.”

Once their bags were delivered, they changed and headed down to the beach with their bottle of champagne.

The sun was setting, a bright orange bulb bobbing just above the horizon. They had made it just in time, the water would swallow that glowy light in a matter of minutes. “Beautiful,” Belly sighed toward the water,  “but it still has nothing on Cousins.”

“True,” Conrad nodded in agreement, watching as their feet slowly sank into the wet sand each time a wave kissed the shoreline. It was a warm, quiet night not unlike their first night together last summer, “Shall we?” His tone was light again as he held up the champagne. 

“What are we celebrating?” She followed him to a dry spot in the warm sand and they settled next to one another.

“Didn’t you hear?” He undid the foil wrapping and then began twisting the wire cage, “We’re getting married.”

She felt her cheeks flush and she swallowed a smile, not wanting to show her cards. She was pleased that those words, that the thought of the future, now brought its own champagne fizz of excitement from her stomach straight to her heart. The feeling was a head rush, but a good head rush. Not that kind that terrified her. 

“Was that a proposal?” She quipped back, feigning shock. 

The corner of Conrad’s mouth upturned into an infectious smile that she couldn’t help but return and then his eyes narrowed mischievously, shifting from her eyes to her lips, “No,”

“No?”

The champagne popped between them.

“There will be no mistaking it when it happens,” He said it so confidently, his eyes seering into her own in a way that made her breath hitch, “Trust me.”

“I do,” She blushed and for the first time in a very long time, let herself imagine Conrad down on one knee. That had been the object of many a young Belly’s daydreams, “But we do need to toast to something, so what will it be?”

“For me,” Conrad held the bottle up and tipped it toward the horizon like, “I’m toasting to the fact that I made a joke about marrying you and you took it well. I figured it was a 50/50 shot that you’d be running the other direction down the beach.”

“Ha,” She watched as he brought the bottle to his lips and took a small sip, “I’m toasting to the fact that,” She pursed her lips together and looked away. 

“That what?” He held the bottle out to her and she pulled it toward her lips.

“That you weren’t really joking,” She took a sip, the bubbles creeping down her throat in time with the butterflies dancing up her stomach, “Not even a little bit.”

He smirked and accepted the bottle as she handed it back. It probably cost more than her week's salary, and they were passing it back and forth like teenagers with cheap, stolen liquor. 

“Alright, it's settled then.” He scooted in the sand until their bodies touched and she leaned her weight against his chest.

“What is?” He kissed the top of her head as she asked the question that she was pretty sure she already knew the answer to. She was pretty sure she had known it all along. 

“One day,” He rested his chin on top of her head and then propped the champagne in the sand so that he could wrap both arms around her, “I’m going to ask you to be my wife.”

“Fine,” She smiled through a giggle, “And we’re going to swim in the ocean on our wedding day.”

“Okay,” He nodded, “But there won’t be time to change. You’re going to have to go in, dress and all.”

She laughed, throwing her head back to rest at his collarbone, “What?”

“Yeah,” He pressed his lips to her temple, “Seal it in the ocean water while it’s fresh, you know?”

He lifted his hands from her and reached for the wire cage from the top of the champagne cork. He had never been good with idle hands, always keeping busy. When they were kids, he had taken up whittling one summer. Always peeling layers from sticks he’d collect, twirls of wood that reminded Belly of confetti. 

“You’re joking,” She shook her head, still laughing, still daydreaming. It was the first time they’d actually talked about marriage as more than a fleeting comment, and there was a safe layer of playful jest keeping it light enough to proceed without bordering on insanity. She knew she would be with him always, that wasn’t a question anymore. But it hadn’t even been a full six months. 

“I don’t joke about you,” He shook his head, that smug look he always got when he was being bold. He was only halfway kidding though, just like her, “Especially not about you in a wedding dress. A wet one at that.”

“Ha,” She shook her head and then twisted her body to face him and stuck her hand out in his direction, “Fine, deal.”

Instead of shaking it, he turned it so her palm was facing downwards and then slid the wire from the champagne top onto her finger which he had twisted into ring  and then kissed her knuckles, “Deal.”

She felt suddenly light, untethered,like she might actually float away into the night sky. Somewhere deep inside her consciousness, sixteen year old Belly was kicking her feet. Or struggling for a breath. She didn’t want to joke anymore, she just wanted to feel him. 

“Deal,” She repeated the words back again, a whisper. A promise. She sealed it with a kiss, wanting to solder herself to him. She hoped in doing so, in playing this not-game with him that she could erase the years they were apart and the summer that she played chicken. ‘One day, I’ll be your wife,’ she thought into the kiss, ‘but you already have all of me.’

 

---

 

“Thank you for coming,” Adam greeted them as they approached the private table where the family was meeting for brunch. He looked from Conrad to Belly and held her gaze for a moment, nodding as if to thank her. As if he knew she was that catalyst for him deciding to come. 

“Of course,” Conrad nodded back and accepted a hug from Lydia. His guard was up, she could tell that much, but he was making an effort.

“Oh, Isabel,” Lydia turned to her and pulled her in for a hug, “look how pretty you are! It's so good to see you again!”

“Congratulations!” Belly said as they pulled apart, “Thank you for having me, it's going to be a beautiful day”

“Oh,” Lydia turned excitedly to her side and gestured to the couple seated to her right, “These are my parents and this is my sister, Allison.”

“Big day tomorrow, getting nervous?” Jeremiah said with a laugh as he pulled out a chair for Samantha, “Seconds thoughts on becoming a Fisher?”

“Not at all,” Lydia beamed toward Adam, but Belly couldn’t read his expression. He looked wound up in a way, but she supposed he always did. 

“So you’re both in Boston then?” Lydia’s mom asked, stabbing her fork through her arugula salad, “Must be nice to all be close by.”

“I just moved back,” Conrad answered and then nodded toward Jere across the table, “Jere’s been in New York for a few years.”

“Maybe now that Conrad’s back in Boston we’ll be able to convince Jeremiah to come home, huh son?” Adam asked and Conrad slid a hand onto Belly’s thigh and squeezed lightly. 

“It’s always nice to have family within arms reach,” Lydia’s mom nodded, “Especially once you start settling down and having kids.”

Both Conrad and Jeremiah seemed to choke at this, but the older woman didn’t take notice and continued on, “I suppose, it must be funny to think you could end up having a kid the same age as your future sibling.”

“What?” Jeremiah asked and Conrad’s grip tightened on top of Belly’s thigh. She placed her hand on his and looked from the brothers to Adam. 

“Oh, she’s kidding,” Lydia said with a shake of her head and unconvincing laugh.

“I don’t mean right now, but in a few years you might be ready.”

Lydia was white knuckling her mimosa at this point and Belly felt terrible for her. The awkward tension was pulpable with no one seeming to know what to say next. 

“Dad?” Jeremiah broke the silence, his voice sounding young and small. 

Adam waved his hand and gave a quick shake of his head and Jeremiah turned to Conrad who simply shrugged. 

Adam cleared his throat as the waiter arrived with their main course. “Id like you two to join me for a hike after brunch,” He said looking at his sons, “Consider it my bachelor party.”

“I—“ Conrad started to object and then stopped as Belly nudged his leg softly, he looked to his brother, “Okay.”

“I don’t mean to steal your men away,” Adam said, only looking at Belly, “Why don’t the two of you have a spa day, charge it to the villa?”

“That’d be amazing!” Samantha exclaimed at the same time that Belly opened her mouth to refuse the offer. 

“I insist.”

“Sure,” Belly smiled tightly, “Thank you, Mr Fisher.”

 

---

 

“That was perfect,” Samantha gushed on the walk back to their villa. The boys had texted an update that they were stopping for drinks on their way back from their hike with Adam, so they decided to take their time and added on manicures, “That was nice of Mr Fisher to send us.”

“It was,” Belly couldn’t register her skepticism at a nice gesture from Adam, “He probably didn’t want the boys to have a reason to object to going with him.”

“True,” She sighed, “What is his deal anyways? I can’t get him to warm up to me.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Belly shrugged, “It’s useless. I mean, he used to like me when we were kids. Or I guess, he was just impartial to me. I don’t know. I was the only girl so all of the parents coddled me in a way. But, he’s never forgiven me for…everything that happened.”

“Well, I don’t think he’s ever going to forgive me for Jere quitting the firm.” She shook her head and Belly felt her face scrunched together in confusion, “It was not my idea. I didn’t even know he was going to until it was already done.”

“Jere quit his job?” Belly couldn’t mask her shock or confusion.

“Oh shit,” Samantha stopped walking and let out a long sigh, “Don’t say anything. He was going to talk to Conrad this weekend. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“Why would he do that? Did he find something better?” They kept walking and Samantha shook her head in response, remaining tight lipped,  “Well, what is it?”

“He just hated it, that’s all,” She replied exasperated, it was clear she didn’t want to go further into it and was maybe trying to convince herself of his reasoning, “He said he felt suffocated and that he was turning into his dad.”

They were coming up on their villa and by the sound of raised voices coming from the back patio, it was clear the topic must have been broached between the boys as well. 

“Oh god,” Belly rolled her eyes, bracing for a Fisher blow out. 

“You are so self righteous, you know that?” Jeremiah was saying to Conrad as the girls stepped through the door, “I should have known this is how you would react.”

“Whats going on?” Samantha asked. She had a good poker face, Belly noted. 

“Just forget it,” Jeremiah spat his words in Conrad’s direction, “I should have known better than to think I could count on you.”

“Calm down,” Belly said gently, stepping between the boys, “This is not the right time for you two to melt down.”

“She’s right,” Conrad said, placing a hand on the small of Belly’s back, “We’re supposed to be at dinner in fifteen minutes and we all need to get changed still. Let’s just try to have a decent weekend.”

“I don’t want to go anymore, I’m too tired.” Jeremiah sat on the couch and crossed his arms. 

“What do you mean?” Samantha asked, her voice hitching, “Your dad will flip if we don’t show. Get up.”

Belly looked to Conrad, his jaw clenched and his face red, “Stop being a baby, go get dressed.”

“Go without me.” Jeremiah replied cooly, “Go be the perfect son, save the day and let Adam know how irresponsible I am.” The way he said it made it clear that he was echoing Conrad’s words back at him.

“What happened?” Belly asked, looking between them. Had Adam said something about Jeremiah quitting his job? 

“Nevermind what happened, we need to get going.” Samantha urged again pointing toward their rooms.

“Jere,” Conrad said sternly as if he was the parent counting down from three, “You’re pissed at me, not dad. This dinner isn’t about us. Grow up and get ready.”

Jeremiah acted as if he hadn’t heard Conrad and walked past all of them and into the kitchen. Belly heard the crack of a beer can and felt the tension grow. She wasn’t sure who wanted to hit him more, Conrad or Samantha who looked like she might erupt at any moment.

“Did something happen on the hike?” Belly asked again at no one in particular. 

“He’s just throwing a tantrum because he’s not getting his way.” Conrad replied, “Let's get ready for dinner.” He disappeared down the hallway and into their room. 

Samantha followed Jeremiah from the kitchen back to the couch, nagging him to just go get changed. 

“Jere,” Belly snapped, “The only reason Conrad is even here is for you. So that you don’t have to do this alone. Go get dressed and meet us at the restaurant.”

Conrad was buttoning his shirt in the mirror when Belly entered their room, “Are you okay?” She asked softly. 

Conrad shook his head, “He’s unbelievable.”

Belly pulled the dress she was wearing to dinner out and started to change, deciding to save the rest of the conversation for their walk over to the restaurant.

“Come on,” She wrapped her arms around his back and kissed the back of his neck, just below his ear, “Let’s start walking over.”

On the way out, Belly shot Samantha an apologetic look as she sat on the edge of the couch dressed for dinner. “He’s going to shower and we’ll meet you there.” She told them, looking embarrassed. 

They opted to take the scenic route over the resort’s nicest restaurant, walking the trail along the beach. Belly slid her kitten heels off and without saying anything, Conrad reached to carry them for her, dangling them by the straps between his fingers. 

“Samantha told me that he quit his job, is that what that was all about?” She asked.

“That isn’t even half of it,” He ran his free hand down the side of his face and Belly noticed how tired he looked. Between the long shifts at the hospital, the time difference from their travel and stress of this weekend she was sure he was running on empty. 

“Okay,” She nodded, “So what else happened? Something with Adam?”

“No,” He shook his head and let out a breath, “He didn’t even say anything about it. He was actually…pleasant? I don’t know, it was a nice hike. It hasn’t felt that way since long before we lost my mom.” She knew what he meant, since before Conrad had found out about Adam’s affair and his whole perception of his father had been flipped inside out. 

“I’m glad that went well,” She meant it, he deserved a normal relationship with his only living parent.

“Then Jere suggested we go grab drinks on our walk back, after we’d split ways with Adam,” He shook his head, “He told me about quitting his job, which surprised me and of course I was worried, but it's his life.”

“I don’t get why he quit,” Belly said, more a statement than a question.

“He wants to start his own company, sell juices or smoothies or something.” He paused for a second, “Which again, is fine if that's what he wants to do. But he has no plan and no money.”

“No money?” She questioned and Conrad stopped walked and looked at her, nodding in confirmation, “But–”

“Yeah, no money. It's gone, I guess. All of it.” Jesus. 

“So?”

“So he wants to put the house up as collateral,” His eyes flashed with a bolt of anger at the thought, “he can’t get approved for a business loan without it."

“Oh my god.” Her heart sank and she understood now why Conrad had seemed so angry. 

“He can’t.” Conrad shook his head and grabbed her hand as they started back down the trail, “I told him there’s no way, so he’s pissed. He’s entitled to half so he wants me to either let him use the house as collateral or…” He let out a long breath, as if he didn’t want to tell her the rest, “buy him out.”

“But,” She squeezed his hand, “fuck. Conrad, you have to tell him.”

“I can’t.” It was clear he had already made up his mind. That he made up his mind on this the moment he decided to buy the house in secret. Telling Jeremiah would have a ripple effect that Conrad wasn’t willing to initiate. 

“Then what will you do?” She searched his face, hurting for him as the corners of his mouth downturned into a grimace. 

“I just have to be the asshole. He can’t use the house as collateral without my consent, and there’s no way we gamble the house on his shaky business idea,” Their joined hands went up with the shrug of his shoulders, “And I’m not buying him out when I already paid Adam. My dad gave me a good deal, it was nowhere near market value. That’s not what Jeremiah is asking of me.”

“Conrad,” She wanted to shake him by the shoulders. It wasn’t his job to fall on the sword for his father and his brother. He had to tell Jeremiah. 

“You heard him, Belly.” He looked out toward the shoreline as they walked, “You’ve heard him for years. He thinks I’m an asshole, I might as well give him a reason. No matter what I do, it always comes back to me being the bad guy in his life.”

“But you’re not the bad guy! You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for Jere’s ego. He’s an adult, he can handle the truth.”

“You really think so?” He laughed dryly, “Didn’t you see the tantrum he’s currently throwing because he was told no. He won’t be able to handle that Adam made me pay to have the house put in our names and the fact that I paid and he didn’t will be blown into something else too.”

“You’re making it worse for yourself.” She glowered, “That’s all I’m thinking about when I say this, Conrad, is you.”

“I know that, Belly,” He let go of her hand and instead put his arm around her waist line and pulled her into his side, “And I appreciate it, but you just have to let me handle this myself. I don’t want him to know about the house.”

“Okay,” She nodded half-heartedly and felt stuck in the middle. They neared the restaurant and he stopped and helped her back into her heels. 

Dinner was awkward, to put it mildly. Jeremiah and Samantha showed up twenty minutes late, the tension between the brothers was palpable, Adam was going out of his way to be nice to Belly, and Lydia’s parents seemed to make an insinuation of future babies any chance they got. A topic that made everyone grit their teeth for various reasons. 

“Your dad mentioned that you guys summer in Cousins, is that right?” Lydia’s father asked, eyeing Conrad and Jeremiah, “We have friends with a beach house up there. The Bentons, Jack and Bernadette. Do you know them?”

“No, sorry,”  Conrad shook his head and Jeremiah shrugged. 

“You still have a house there then?” Lydia’s mom asked, holding her fork between her plate and her mouth. 

Conrad looked toward Jeremiah who looked the opposite direction, decidedly not participating in the conversation. 

“Yeah, we do.” Conrad answered politely, “Have you visited Cousins, then?”

“Once, several decades ago now.” Lydia’s mom answered, “Lydia hadn’t mentioned you guys have a second house until this weekend. Have you been to the Fisher’s house in Cousins yet, dear? You might want to consider hosting the family for a weekend next summer.”

Jeremiah’s head snapped toward the conversation, finally something other than his own ego had caught his attention. Under the table Belly felt Conrad’s hand land on her thigh and give it a light squeeze, speaking words that didn’t need to be said aloud. 

“It was our mother’s house,” Jeremiah responded, his tongue sharp as glass, “It’s not a Fisher house.”

Ah, Belly thought, so he does remember how sacred the house is.

“Oh,” Lydia’s mother responded with a closed mouth smile and a simple nod of her head, “Well, we’re all family now anyways.”

Conrad shot a warning look to Jeremiah. It wasn’t worth it, there was no need to defend or protect the house - he had already done so. He had paid the price and ensured that the deed was in their names alone. As soon as the money had been transferred and the ink was dry, he made it clear–in no uncertain terms–that Adam was never to return. 

“Well anyways,” Jeremiah said bitterly, taking a long drink from the glass of wine in front of him,  “Apparently everything concerning the house needs to be run past Conrad and he runs a pretty tight ship.” He shrugged his shoulders sarcastically. Belly wasn’t sure how she had missed it earlier, or if he had just drank that much between the house and the restaurant, but he was drunk.

“Thats enough,” Belly said under her breath toward Jeremiah, “Not here.”

The conversation had caught Adam’s attention now, who had been otherwise distracted by a story Lydia and her sister were rehashing.

“Its the truth,” Jeremiah responded, addressing the whole table, “Isn’t it, Conrad?”

“I think you’ve had enough,” Conrad leaned over and pulled eremiah’s wine glass toward the middle of the table.

“Ah, yep, classic.” He nodded and laughed, “Thank god you’re here to manage me or I wouldn’t know what to do, Connie.”

“You said it,” Conrad replied at the same time that Adam cleared his throat and said   “Boys,” in a tone that brought so many memories of petty childhood fights. Just like when they were boys, Adam’s warning tone snapped them out of it and for once Belly was grateful. She didn’t think anything else would have been able to bring that train to a halt. 

“What is it?” Lydia asked, completely oblivious. She has no idea, Belly thought, of the rivalry her husband has curated between his sons. 

It wasn’t even that it was intentional, she was almost certain of that. But, regardless of intent Adam had laid the foundation for resentment and Belly had to blink back tears as she realized things might never be completely healed between the two. She hated that so much both because she loved them, and because she knew how much it would break Susannah’s heart to see them like this. So easily at each other's throats. She hated herself too, for any part she had played in their unraveling. 

They were all silent after that for what felt like several minutes, but surely couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds. 

“The swordfish is divine,” Samantha said, breaking the silence as if nothing had happened. 

“It is,” Adam smiled back, tight lipped. 

“Is everything set for tomorrow, Lydia? If you need any help with anything in the morning, me and Samantha could come by early.” Belly offered, hopping on the bandwagon of moving on with the night and pretending that moment hadn’t happened.

“Everything should be set,” Lydia smiled, still looking confused, “But thank you, Isabel. That’s very sweet.”

The rest of the evening passed with polite conversation. The awkwardness still clung in the air and Jeremiah refused to even look in Conrad’s direction - or Belly’s for that matter. So much for friendship, she was enemy number two now just by proxy. That was fine, she was sick of everyone having to kowtow to Jeremiah’s feelings. 

“We should talk,” Conrad said as the four of them walked the trail back to their villa together after dinner, “Clear the air.”

“I’m good.” Jeremiah replied curtly, walking a solid six feet in front of everyone else. 

“You know that’s not true,” Conrad replied, matter of fact, “About the house. It’s just as much yours as it is mine. I just don’t think either of us should take any risks—“

“You have never believed in me,” Jeremiah stopped walking and turned to look at Conrad, "That's what this is really about. You think I’m going to fail.”

“I don’t think that, Jere.” Conrad said slowly, “But I don’t think it’s entirely safe either. There isn’t a damn thing I would gamble that house on. It isn’t about you.”

“Fine. Then buy me out.” He crossed his arms, “You’re going to fuck me on it eventually anyways.”

“Why would you say that?” Belly snapped, “You have no idea what he’s—“

“Belly,” Conrad shook his head and shot her a look.

“Oh great,” Jeremiah threw his hands up, “this is how it was always going to be, right? The two of you will always gang up on me. You’ll always defend him, Belly. You always have, even when you were with me.”

“Don’t go there,” Conrad rolled his eyes and grabbed Belly’s hand, “Grow up. You’re not allowed to  weaponize the past. We’ve all moved on.”

“Come on, Jeremiah, just drop it.” Samantha whispered at him.  

“No, he needs to buy me out. That’s only fair.”

“Fair? You really want to part with moms house?” Conrad raised his voice, the sun had set but even so Belly could tell his face was reddening and his neck was growing splotchy, “that’s what you want right now? To rid yourself of the one piece we have left.”

“I want to make something of my life!” Jeremiah yelled back and Samantha tugged at his arm, “do you think mom would want me to be unhappy? I’m not saying to sell it, I’m saying buy me out. It’ll be all yours. It’ll still be in the family. I’ll visit when I can.”

“So exactly like it is now except you get a payday and it all falls to me again? Even if I wanted to buy you out - which I don’t because it’s both of ours - I can’t afford that. You want me to go get a loan and pay you so that you don’t have to? Do you see what you’re asking of me?”

“Oh bullshit.” Jeremiah pointed at him, “You’re just sitting on your trust.”

“I’m not,” Conrad pinched the bridge of his nose, “My personal finances aren’t your business. I’m not buying you out.” 

Belly noticed that he had slowed down so she slowed her pace to match his. 

“I thought this is what you would want, anyways.” Jeremiah turned to face them again, “You’d have the house all to yourself. You were going to pull an Aunt Julia and push me out eventually anyways, just do it now.”

“You’re the one doing that,” Belly couldn’t keep it in, “You have idea what he’s done, that he’s the one who–”

“Who what? Mows the lawn? Pays the property taxes? I get it. We all get it,” Jeremiah clapped sarcastically, “If you don’t want to buy me out, just let me use the house to get the loan. I already ran the numbers and it will be fine.”

Conrad stopped walking and let out a shaky breath, his hand grew clammy in Belly’s grip and she was suddenly worried that he might collapse. Had he had enough water, was the lackof sleep finally catching up to him?

“This is not what she would want,” Conrad said in a small voice, shaking his head and looking away from all of them toward the water. 

“Conrad?” Belly reached for his face and he looked at her as if he was surprised, “Are you alright?”

“I’m–um,” He looked down at his feet, “This isn’t right. None of this would be happening if she–” He sucked in ragged breath, “This isn’t what she would want.”

“What?” Jeremiah asked, they had all stopped walking – the four of them paused in the middle of the trail and Conrad clutched at his chest in a desperate sort of way.

“I’ll get you the money, okay?” Conrad said breathily, covering his eyes with a hand and placing the others on Belly’s shoulder as if he needed support. He was having a panic attack she realized, worry rising in her throat that she had to swallow.  

“I think you need to sit,” Belly searched around them and then led him to a bench along the trail a few feet ahead, “Don’t listen to anything else, just take a deep breath in,” She inhaled with him,  “Good, and out.”

“What is going on? Con?” Jeremiah asked worriedly, seeming to snap back to reality. Conrad put his head between his knees and Belly ran her hand down his back, completely unsure what to do, “Is he having a heart attack?”

“He’s having a panic attack,” Belly hadn’t ever witness this before, she kept her eyes locked on his, “We’re going to keep breathing.”

She wrapped her arms around him and placed one hand over his thundering heart, “I’m okay.” He said, sounding far from it.

“Just go grab a water bottle or something,” She said to Jeremiah, mostly to get him out of the way and he took off running down the trail without further question.

“This hasn’t happened in a long time,” He choked out, tears brimming along the edges of his eyes, “I thought I had it under control.”

His heart was starting to settle but she kept her hand resting there, he placed his own on top of hers and leaned back against the bench. 

“It's been a stressful day,” She said gently, “Lets just sit here and listen to the ocean.” 

“It's this whole week,” He said, shaking his head slowly, “I keep thinking of her in that last week. I keep thinking–”

He let out a long breath of air and closed his eyes.

“Susannah?” She lifted her hand from his heart to the side of his face, cradling him and he nodded, “Oh, Conrad, you should’ve said something. You’ve been carrying around a lot this week, with very little sleep.”

He opened his eyes and looked at her tenderly, “I’m sorry.”

“For having a human reaction to a shit day?” She ran her thumb along his cheekbone, “Don’t  you dare be sorry for that.”

“I can’t believe he’s putting me in this position.” Her hand dropped to his shoulder and she gave it a light squeeze. 

“We’ll figure it out, okay? You know him, he’ll be onto the next idea in a week or two anyways.”

Conrad nodded, but didn’t look very sure. Belly wasn’t either, and she still thought that he needed to tell Jeremiah the whole truth. 

“Is he okay?” Jeremiah jogged back down the trail, a water bottle in his grip.

“I’m fine,” Conrad bellowed back in reply, “Sorry for scaring you guys. That was…embarassing.”

“Jesus,” Jeremiah approached and passed over the bottle of water, “I thought you were having a heart attack.”

“I’m good,” Conrad took a sip of the water and waved away Jere’s extended hand offering to  help him up, “Lets just put a pin in this whole money thing, okay? We’ll figure it out when we’re back home.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jeremiah nodded, suddenly agreeable. 

Good, Belly thought, she hoped that taught him not to push people. 

---

When they made it back to the villa, Belly and Conrad had gone straight to bed. He insisted that he just needed rest, so they had showered and settled for the night. Although she was worried about the stress wearing on him, he was right about needing sleep. He drifted quickly into a deep slumber, Belly laid her head on his chest and listened to the thump of his heartbeat. 

When she woke, he was gone and the house was quiet. The ceremony wasn’t until sunset, she had hoped he would sleep in and spend the morning in bed. She had drifted to sleep with a plan to wake before him and return with breakfast. 

After a while she heard movement in the kitchen, so she followed the sound expecting to find him. There was no sign of Conrad or Jeremiah, but Adam stood in the kitchen with a brown paper bag and drink carrier with four iced coffees. 

“Oh,” She crossed her arms, embarrassed to still be in her pajamas, “Good morning, sorry I thought you were Conrad.”

“Good morning, Belly,” He sat the bag and coffees on the table between them, “You just missed him, he went down to the beach for a run.”

“Right,” She nodded and started to turn back toward their room.

“Sit, here,” He pulled out a chair for her and then sat in the one across from her, “I brought  you guys breakfast and coffee. You like coffee, right?”

“Yeah,” She nodded and sat, accepting the coffee he nudged toward her.

“Of course you do, you’re Laurel’s daughter.” He chuckled as if they had an inside joke, “I’ve known you since you were a baby, you know.”

He said it as if it might be new information to her. 

“I know,” She took a sip of the coffee, “I remember.”

“Conrad seems like he’s really happy.” He smiled sadly toward his hands, folded in front of him, “Happier than I’ve seen him in a long time.”

“He’s doing well,” She answered, unsure where he was going with this, “He’s a really good doctor.”

“I’m sure he is,” Adam nodded and then let out a laugh that bordered on bitter, “Trust me though, our work shouldn’t define us. I don’t think he’ll make the same mistakes as me, though. I don’t worry about that with him.”

She nodded in answer and he tapped his fingers on the tabletop. 

“Susannah always thought you’d end up together.” He said contemplatively. 

Belly took a breath, feeling the sharp edge of grief that always ebbed its way to the surface when she thought of Susannah, “Yeah, she always said she thought I was destined for one of her boys. I think she really just wanted me to be more officially her daughter.”

“Sus always wanted a daughter,” He smiled, “She was convinced Jeremiah was a girl her entire pregnancy. She even went out and bought all these little, frilly pink baby dresses.”

“I remember her telling me that.” Belly was pretty sure the rest of the story was that they had all been gifted to her when she was born. 

“You have it wrong though,” He adjusted in the chair, and looked at her earnestly, “It wasn’t just that she wanted you to end up with one of them. She saw something between you and Conrad. A connection, I guess.”

“Why are you telling me this? I’ve had the impression that you don’t want us together.”

“I wasn’t born into money,” He replied, not answering her question, “My dad left when I was a kid, my mom worked dead-end jobs to get by. I had nothing when I met Susannah. No savings account, definitely no trust fund. I was waiting tables to put myself through school. And here she was, beautiful and kind and so god damn care free. The way you can only be when you haven’t had to worry about anything yet. You know what I mean? When you meet someone, you can just tell they’ve never faced adversity. Never had a truly shitty thing happen to them.”

Belly blinked at him, waiting for him to continue and completely unsure where he could be going with this. This was the most one on one conversation they had ever had. 

“But she had this fire, this electric energy that I had never experienced before.” He looked toward the window and seemed to smile toward the memory - as if he could see her walking out along the beach,  “She was so beautiful.”

She couldn’t stop herself from wondering if he had experienced it since. It didn’t seem possible to have two great loves, but then again he had cheated on her. He had hurt her worse than anyone. 

“You wouldn’t have ever met her father, he passed before you were born,” He let out a breath in the way Conrad does when he’s contemplative. She hated when he reminded her of Conrad and made her sympathize with him, “He hated me. Oh god, I was never going to be good enough for his little Susie. A waiter? A boy who didn’t  even know what cufflinks were, let alone own a suit.”

“I still don’t know why you’re telling me any of this.”

“Because none of that mattered, what Mr. Beck thought of me was irrelevant.” He looked at her and smiled, “It wasn’t about him.”

Belly nodded and trailed her finger down the condensation on her iced coffee, “So, you don’t like me but you’ve decided that's irrelevant?”

“I never said I don’t like you, Belly,” He extended his hand across the table and for a moment she thought he was going to grab her hand, “I have my concerns, but none of them are about you. Not personally. It's a complicated situation, you almost married one of my sons and are now dating the other.”

“I can see that.” She admitted.

“They need to look after one another,” He said, “But I need to look after them too. I need to be better. And I can see that there is no path to a good relationship for me with Conrad if I don’t…let go of my reservations. He’s made that very clear.”

“Okay.”

“I appreciate you coming this weekend,” He stood to leave, “And making sure that Conrad was here.”

“Of course,” Belly answered, “It's what she would have wanted.”

Adam nodded and turned for the door and Belly realized it was only fair for her to say her piece as well. 

“Adam?” He turned to look at her, “I know about the house, that Conrad bought it back from you.” He opened his mouth to reply and she held up her hand, “I don’t need to know the details or your reasoning. I think it was scummy, but what I think is irrelevant. The part I care about is that he refuses to tell Jeremiah and it’s going to destroy him and their relationship.”

“If you’re proposing that I tell him, Belly, I’ll have to refuse. I can’t overstep Conrad’s decision.”

“I know,” Belly countered, “I don’t expect you to. But, you could talk to him. Reason with him.”

“I’ll try.” He nodded once and that was that. 

---

“Thank you, again.” Conrad said, one hand on the steering wheel the other on her knee.

“You can stop thanking me,” She ran her hand up his forearm, “You don’t have to do the hard stuff alone.”

“I won’t argue with that,” He turned down the street toward her apartment. In what seemed like a miracle, the rest of the weekend had passed without drama. Jeremiah had dropped the topic of the house and the loan, seemingly guilty after Conrad’s panic attack. She knew that wouldn’t be the end of it, he would circle back on the topic soon.

“It was a nice wedding,” She said, looking out the window, “I think Lydia will be a great step mom.”

They both knew they were way too old for step-parents, and Lydia was barely old enough to have babysat them.

“Ha, funny.” Conrad responded with an eyeroll in jest, “She’s nice. They seem happy.”

“Her parents on the other hand…” Belly shook her head, “Weird, right?”

“Very,” Conrad looked over his shoulder as he parallel parked as close as possible to her building, “But they probably weren’t picturing their daughter marrying an old man either, so, I get it. They’re worried their daughter is going to skip becoming a mom and go straight to grandma.”

“Do you think Adam would have more kids?”

“Who the fuck knows,” Conrad rolled his eyes, “I’m sure we’ve scarred him enough. Jeremiah was pretty upset at the thought and confronted him, he claims they don’t want kids so,”

Belly nodded, thinking of how weird it would be if they did have kids. She couldn’t imagine her dad having a new baby, having another sibling. The thought made her cringe.

They unloaded the car and Conrad carried her bags to the apartment, her tote over his shoulder and her rolling bag behind him. With the weekend coming to an end, their goodbye was imminent. Worse this time around was the fact that Conrad would be driving back to Boston already exhausted to head into another long week without breaks. 

“I hate that you still have a long drive ahead of you,” 

“It's okay, there was a lecture on the viability of artificially created bioactive tissues this weekend that I had another resident record for me so I’ll listen to that and it’ll go by fast.”

“Sounds riveting,” She dead-panned with a laugh. 

“You’d be surprised.”

“Somehow I don’t think I would.” She nudged his shoulder and then slowed her pace as she noticed her building manager taping a red notice to the front door of the building.

“What is going on?” Conrad looked toward Belly with concern and she shook her head. She hadn’t received any emails or calls while they were away.

“Mr Patterson?” Belly asked toward the older man, walking up the short set of stairs to the door.

“Oh,” He turned to look at her, “Isabel, hi, are you here to grab your things?”

“My things?” She narrowed his eyes in confusion and felt an uncertain panic rise through her,  “What do you mean?” 

“You...” He eyed Conrad behind her with the suitcase, “Are you just returning from a trip?”

“Yes,” She said slowly, “Is everything alright?”

“Shit,” He muttered, “I thought we had contacted everyone, we put notices on all the doors…”

“Notices of what?” She leaned to the side to read the notice he had hung, “Unhabitable? What?”

“A pipe burst on the first floor,” He answered apologetically, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, “Turns out they’re all corroded. There’s no water in the building.”

“For how long?”

He winced, and shrugged, “That’s the thing, when they came for the repair they found mold in the walls. All through the first and second floor. It’s… it’s not good.”

“Oh my god,” She felt Conrad’s arms on her shoulders, stabilizing her, “I’m homeless.”

“I would recommend contacting your insurance company right away,” He handed her a copy of the flier he had hung, “Your rent is obviously suspended in the meantime, and you can contact the main office about terminating the remainder of your lease term - if you choose. If you decide to wait for the repair, I can’t guarantee how long it’ll be out. They have to gut the whole thing.”

“And my things?” She thought of all of her belongings, the things that were irreplaceable, “Are they ruined?”

“No,” He waved his hand at the idea, “But the building will likely be restricted access once the city gets involved. So I would get what you’ll need out as soon as possible.”

“Okay,” She nodded and then turned to Conrad, “I guess there’s no point in bringing my bags in.”

“What do you want to do?” He asked calmly, “Do you want me to book you a hotel, call Laurel? Or Steven?”

“I guess call Laurel, tell her I’ll be over soon… You should get on the road, it’s getting late.”

“I’m not leaving you here like this,” He smirked as if it was absurd to think he’d leave her before she’s settled somewhere safe, “Start packing what you need for the week, I’ll put this in the car and call Laurel.”

When she came back out with her suitcase of clothes for the week and valuables she couldn’t stand to leave behind just in case, he had already made a plan.

“I’m assuming you aren’t going to want to move back,” He said, hanging up from a call, “We can cancel all of this if you do, but I found you a storage unit for a decent price in the meantime. It's close to Laurels, and they contract with a moving company so they can get everything out for you on Tuesday if that works for you. You just have to be here to unlock the door, they’ll do the rest.”

“I hadn’t even thought of that,” She leaned back against the car seat and let out a long exhale,  “Thank you.”

“Of course,” He put the car in gear, “I just wish Boston was closer and I was bringing you home with me.”

She smiled at the thought, “Me too.”

And she really meant it.

Notes:

Thank you for being here - for reading along, for enjoying this as much as I do and for patiently nudging me along to keep updating.

This chapter was a little heavier to write, particularly the opening flashback. But, it felt necessary to drive our story forward by visiting the past and starting to really sort through this Fisher drama so that we can let them heal once and for all.

Ok- season 3 is finally here. I want to hear all your thoughts on this chapter, the season, share some chapter sneak peeks and talk all things Bonrad (how are our hearts doing after seeing Conrad find out about the engagement? Ouch). You already know where to find me on IG @redclovers.writes

Also! Please don't forget the comments here on AO3 are open, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate and adore each and every comment I see in my inbox. If you'd be so kind, I would be so grateful.

See you soon!

Chapter 21: Chapter 20

Notes:

Hello! I'm back with Chapter 20 - and this time its Conrad's birthday!

If you are one of the five people (kidding, but also not) who do not like spice, this chapter may not be for you. Feel free to skim or scroll because we have two extra spicy scenes below.

I'll let you get to it - see you in the note at the end :)

'And sometimes there's no proof, you just know
You're always gonna be mine
We're gonna be
I'm gonna love you when our hair is turnin' gray
We'll have a cardboard box of photos of the life we've made
And you'll say, "Oh my, we really were timeless"'
-Timeless, Taylor Swift

 

 

“Don’t you want to bring a lunch?” Laurel asked from the kitchen table, her laptop propped in front of her, “There’s sandwhich stuff.”

“I’m fine,” Belly replied, circling the living room in search of her keys, “Did you move my car keys, they were right here last night.”

“Well what are you going to eat then?” Laurel asked, 

“Mom,” Belly sighed, “Have you seen my keys?”

“Why would I have moved your keys? You know, if you just hung them on the hook like I suggested you’d always know where they are.”

“Can you help me look?” Belly started pulling up the couch cushions.

She hadn’t even been back at her moms house for a full week, but already she could feel herself reverting back to her teenage self. There was something about being around her mother that brought that out in her. 

Laurel was fresh off her summer book tour, had no lectures scheduled and was home all. the. time. She was supposed to be working on her next book, but from what Belly could tell she spent half of her day looking at her laptop screen and the other half fussing over Belly's every move. 

“They’re right here,” Laurel sighed, grabbing them off the kitchen counter where they were hiding behind the fruit bowl, “I told you, use the hooks.”

“Yeah, got it.” Belly slung her bag over her shoulder and headed for the door. The plus side of staying at her mom’s was that it was a faster commute to the school. There was less traffic. She was saving money. It was temporary. 

And, tomorrow was Conrad’s birthday which meant she was heading to Boston after work and spending the weekend with him. Two weekends in a row, she felt spoiled. 

When they were growing up, the Conklins and Fishers existed almost solely as summer people in each other's lives. It was rare and precious to see each other in the fall or winter. Belly had only seen Conrad on his birthday once before. It was maybe his 9th or 10th birthday and her dad happened to have a conference in Boston that same weekend. The whole family tagged along and went to Conrad’s party - as hard as she tried, Belly couldn’t actually remember any details about that day. It didn’t feel like it counted. She wanted this year to count. 

“Remember I’ll be gone this weekend, I’m heading to Boston straight after school for Conrad’s birthday.”

“Everything is settled with your apartment or do you need me to go drop your keys or anything?” Whenever Laurel was in a writing slump she got restless, eager for any excuse to get away from her laptop.

“Everything is all set,” Belly nodded, “The movers got everything to the storage unit yesterday and the keys are returned.”

Conrad had organized everything; movers who packed her apartment and got all of her things into a storage unit all while she was at work. She hadn’t had to lift a finger. When she went to pay, they told her it had already been taken care of. She shouldn’t have been surprised, yet she was. He was always two steps ahead of her and readily acting without expecting anything in return. He had acted like her gratitude was unwarranted. 

“I love having you home, so don’t take this the wrong way,” Laurel leaned into the doorway, “But have you started looking for a new place yet?”

“Um,” Belly sighed, she had been avoiding this conversation, “If it’s okay with you I was thinking maybe I could stay here through the school year?”

“You like my company that much?” Laurel raised her eyebrows in a knowing way and Belly realized she had walked into a trap. Laurel already suspected something, and she wasn’t sure why she was so nervous to reveal her plan. She didn’t want her mom to doubt her or make her doubt herself. 

“I-“ Belly opened her mouth and then shut it and took a breath, “I’m planning to move to Boston after the school year. To be closer to Conrad.”

“To be closer to Conrad or to live with Conrad?”

“Both.”

Laurel's expression was unreadable, and Belly braced herself for lecture–preparing her refutation.

“Is that okay?” Belly asked after a moment, “I mean, for me to stay here? I can look for a short term lease, if you’d prefer.”

“Moving in together is a big step,” Laurel seemed to be sizing her up, Belly could feel it. As if her mother would be able to sniff out any holes in her plan.  “It can be challenging to merge lives.”

“Of course, I know that,” Belly crossed her arms, “but I mean, it’s Conrad. And we practically lived together all summer.”

“A summer in Cousins is a lot different from actually living together. Splitting bills, sharing a life. You’re sure you’re both ready to take that step?”

Belly thought about it, really considered it and then answered, unable to hide her own smile, “Yes.”

“Okay,” Laurel’s grin took Belly by surprise, “Of course you can stay here. As long as you need.”

“Thank you,” She leaned over and hugged her mom gratefully, “You’re okay with it? With me and Conrad living together?”

“You’re twenty six, Bean. It’s not up to me.”

“I know, but I… I want your support. Conrad will too.”

“I trust you both, and I can see that you have something good. Solid. I wish you’d wait a little longer, but you’re adults and…” She tilted her head to the side and thought for a moment, “I suppose, by the time the school year ends you’ll have been together a year. I can understand not wanting to keep up the long distance.”

“Yeah,” Belly smiled at that thought.

“If you both feel ready, and this is what you truly want then of course you have my support.” She gave her a pointed look, “Just wait a while longer before you get married or pregnant. Enjoy each other and this chapter.”

“Of course.”

 

---

 

“Ms Conklin,” Belly was started by Lucille, her school's principal, as she set up the conference room that morning. It was the first meeting she was leading for the career pathways initiative, a new program that she was chosen to head. It felt like a big deal, like maybe this was her opportunity to finally find her stride and make an impact.

“Good morning,” Belly smiled, setting copies of the workshop agenda she had made in the center of the table. 

“I’m surprised you’re here this early, what’s all this?”

“It’s,” Belly looked toward the calendar on the wall in confusion, “The planning meeting for the career pathways initiative?”

“You didn’t get the email?” Lucille looked at her with concern, “I forwarded it to you yesterday.”

“No?” Belly grabbed her laptop from her bag and opened it, “Was it moved? I set the date, how could it have been moved?”

“Ms Conklin,” Lucille sighed, “The school board met last night and cut the funding for it. Our district took a hit with budget cuts.”

“What?” Belly felt her heart drop, “We already have students enrolled for the workshop next month. This is an important program…”

“I agree, but we can’t go forward without the budget.”

“Can we—”

“We have to let it go.” Lucille’s warmth faded and her heels clicked across the linoleum flooring as she walked toward the door, “I’m sorry you wasted your time. Please email me your plans for redirecting the time you would be allocating to the project.”

“Sure.” 

This wasn’t what Belly thought her career would look like. She didn’t feel like she was helping any one of her students, instead she was shoved around to different bullshit projects that made no impact on her students. 

 

---

 

“I hope you know you don't have to come this weekend,” Comrads voice said from her bluetooth speaker, she was already an hour into her drive to Boston, “You haven’t had any time to rest between the wedding last weekend and everything with your apartment.”

“I’ve probably had more rest than you,” She countered. 

“Maybe,” He chuckled a little, “But I’ll be working tomorrow, so please don’t feel like you’re obligated to drive all the way here just because it’s my birthday.”

“Do you not want me to come?”

“Of course I do,” he answered quickly and she smiled to herself. 

“Well good cause I wasn’t going to turn around,” 

“I’ll probably be home late tonight, but there’s food in the fridge and I got a bottle of that wine you liked so please just relax. Take a bath, have some wine. I know today sucked at work.” She could hear the hospital intercom in the background.

“It did,” This was exactly why she wanted to make his birthday special, “And you’re the best. What’s up with Jeremiah and the house stuff?”

Conrad made a sound on the other end of the line and she could picture him rolling his eyes and running a hand down the side of his face the way he did when he was annoyed or overwhelmed. 

“He’ll be in town next week and we’re going to meet to talk. He wants to show me his business plan and I don’t know, I guess we’ll go from there.”

“Have  you thought any more about telling him about the house?”

“No, I can’t.” He said it with a tone of finality, “But maybe I can help him figure something else out.”

“Okay,” She hoped she sounded upbeat, she was trying not to insert herself in this one. It was best, she had decided, for her to stay as far away as possible from any possible disagreement between the brothers. As much as she wanted to step in and unravel and mitigate the issue for them, the web of history between the three of them was too complicated. Her involvement would only make things worse. 

 

---

Conrad smiled at the sight of Belly’s car in his second parking space as he returned home that night. Selfishly he was glad that she had insisted on coming for the weekend, despite the fact that he knew they wouldn’t get as much time together as they would like. He counted the months and then the weeks until her school year ended. 

The distance was temporary, as excruciating as it was. For as much ache as it caused now, there was an end in sight. 

It was after midnight by the time Conrad left the hospital, he’d been pulled to assist with an emergency tumor resection. He’d sent Belly a text, but had figured she’d fallen asleep when she didn’t respond. 

At least he would wake up tomorrow morning with her in his arms. That was more than he would have even thought plausible to wish for on his birthday last year.

The lights were off when he unlocked the door and he tried to be as quiet as possible as he slipped off his shoes and hung his bag and his coat. 

“Happy birthday to you,” He heard her singing before he saw her, rounding the corner from the kitchen illuminated only by the glowing birthday candles atop a cake. A smile stretched across his face as she finished singing and then held the cake out toward him, “Happy birthday, make a wish.”

“I-” He almost laughed out of pure joy, unabashed because this woman loved him, “I already have everything I want.”

“Just humor me.” She beamed back and nodded her head toward the cake, “Make a wish.”

He closed his eyes and thought of her. Belly smiling, laughing, her happiness infectious. He thought of her hair on his pillow and their skin flush against one another. He thought of moving boxes and dinners and, yes, even a ring. He thought of a big house, he thought of the beach house. He thought of time passing, of growing old. He saw it all - the flash of their life and what it would be. He knew he didn’t need to wish for it, he knew he already had it. All the same, he let this be his wish as he blew out the candles. 

“Happy Birthday,” The candle smoke danced up between them and he leaned down and kissed her, careful not to disturb the cake. 

“You taste like chocolate,” He said as he pulled away, holding her with one arm as she carefully balanced the cakestand in her hands.

“A good baker always taste tests her work,” She led him back into the kitchen and set the cake in the middle of the island, “Yellow cake with chocolate frosting, please tell me it's still your favorite?”

“You remembered that?” 

“Of course,” She embraced him fully now, her hands free to roam through his hair, “I remember everything about you.”

“My mom used to make it for me every year,” He couldn’t even remember when they had talked about his favorite cake, had it been recently or was she recalling this from childhood? That's how it was with them, so many years tying them together.

“Speaking of which,” She spun in his arms and pointed toward the cherry red cake stand, “My mom gave us this. I asked if she had one I could borrow, and she said we could keep this.”

“Nice,” He wasn’t sure why she was so excited about a cake stand, but didn’t want to null her enthusiasm. 

“No, Conrad, you don’t get it,” Her eyes were smiling, “It was a gift to her from Susannah. And she gave it to us. Not me, us.”

“Us?” 

“Us.”

“Us?” He echoed back again and she nodded excitedly.

“Like, this,” She waved her hand around the cakestand, “It's ours. It's the first thing that's ours.”

He already considered everything that was his to be theirs, but he got what she meant and couldn’t help but smile along with her. It was the first gift that someone had given for them to share, the first outside acknowledgement that they were going to be together in the long run. And it was from Laurel, who like him was logical and pragmatic by nature. 

“You told her that you’re moving here after the school year?” He had been asking for her to tell Laurel, finding it hard to keep it to himself. He usually confided and talked through most decisions with Laurel and her seal of approval was important to him. 

“I did,” She nodded, “And she was a little hesitant, but supportive. I mean, like she said, by the time summer comes around we’ll have been together for a year.”

“That’s true,” 

“Should we have cake,” She asked, excitedly changing topics. She was more excited for his birthday than he was. 

That was typical for him, he had never been a fan of his birthday. It's not that he didn’t like it, more so that he was impartial and he hated the fuss. Usually, he hated the fuss. He was starting to think he could learn to love it when it was coming from Belly. 

“We should,” He cut it at her insistence and they shared a large piece on a little paper birthday plate that she brought and sat next to each other on the couch to share a slice. 

“I don’t think I’ve quite perfected the recipe,” She said, watching a piece of the yellow cake crumble off her fork. 

“Are you kidding?” He said through a mouth full, “This is the best cake I’ve ever had.”

“You're definitely lying, Susannah’s cakes were always the best.”

“This is the best I’ve ever had,” He forked the last bite to his mouth and she wiped a crumb for his lip with a laugh. 

“It's dry,” He couldn’t help but notice that her eyes hadn’t left his lips, “And the frosting is grainy.”

“Will you stop knocking my birthday cake?”

“Alright, alright.” She giggled, “Do you feel older? With each year that passes do you start to feel like you’re actually aging into your personality.”

“Alright, smart ass,” He set the plate down and pulled her onto his lap, “What else do I get for turning another year older?”

“What makes you think you’re getting anything else,” She turned until she was straddling him and placed a hand on each side of his face.

“Just a lucky guess,” He couldn’t stop the way his hips pushed up in reaction to her legs squeezing around him. Her eyes were on his lips again and her hands had found their way to the back of his head, gently running through his hair

“Mmm,” She leaned and pecked his lips gently, he held her to his body and snuck his hands under her shirt drawing her close from the small of her back, “it is your birthday, and I have missed you this week.”

“How bad?”

One of her hands trailed around his neck and up to his jaw line, she traced his light stubble and then parted her lips over his in a deep kiss. The kind that made it feel like they were the only two people in the world. Fuck, they might as well be. 

“I don’t think a single second has passed without me thinking of you.” She said against his lips, pulling away just long enough to get those words out before he pulled her back into the kiss. 

He ran his hands down her back and under bra, relishing in the warmth of her. He needed to get these clothes off - hers and his - it was an urgent need. Something he didn’t think he was capable of controlling. Would it always be like this, he wondered, and then promptly decided that it would. There would never be taming of the heat of the fire that was his love and desire for her. 

He lifted her shirt over her head and quickly unclasped her bra, smiling softly at her fading tan lines. He had loved her into a whole new season, got to bear witness to the change that came  with the passing of time. They had more than summer. 

Maybe it was the buzz of his birthday or the proximity to her, but he was sure they were infinite. He was sure no one had ever loved someone the way that he loved her. It was uncontainable, timeless and beyond explanation or quantification. 

“Wait,” Her voice was barely above a whisper, a moan suppressed in an attempt to halt him as his hands slid into her underwear, “I had a whole thing planned.”

One hand lingered at her hip, drawing slow circles and with the other he tilted her chin down toward his lips, “A whole thing?”

She swallowed and her hips bucked toward his hand as he inched closer to her center, “I was going to…” her forehead dropped against his as his thumb made contact and swiped gently against her. 

His pants were suddenly so unbelievably tight and no amount of friction was enough. 

“Conrad,” His head dropped back against the couch and he pulsed against her. The more he evoked her arousal, the harder it became to contain his own.

She let out a breath and placed her hands on his shoulders, lifting herself away from him just slightly. 

“I have lingerie and a whole plan,”

“You don’t need lingerie,” He pushed the hair off her shoulder and slowly guided her back against him, “You’re too pretty.”

“What does that—“ Her question was cut off by him wrapping his arms around her, holding her against him from the backs of her thighs and lifting them both off the couch, “Conrad!” she squealed.

He carried her across the apartment and to the bedroom and sat her gently on the edgeof the bed. She reached for him, pulling at the hem of his shirt and then trailing a line across his stomach and toward his waist band.

“First,” She smiled as his shirt hit the floor and then started work on his belt buckle, “Let’s get you comfortable.”

The air might as well have been sucked from his lungs when she pushed his pants to the floor and took him in her hands, shiny eyes looking up at him expectantly. 

“Jesus,” his hands tangled in her hair and he couldn’t look away, he wouldn’t look away. Surrender was his only option when it came to Belly, it always had been. 

There was the passion, too. He supposed that went hand in hand with the surrender. Which came first? That desire swelled, a rippling crack through his resolve shuttering as she flicked her tongue along his length before curving her mouth around him. 

She held him still with one hand at his hip, leaning herself forward until she slowly lowered herself from the edge of the bed to her knees in front of him. It had been a week without this, which wasn’t long in retrospect but at this point it was all relative. 

He took a deep breath and tried to cull his senses, which was a near impossible task with the warmth of her drawing him back in over and over. He placed the palm of his hand gently at the crown of her head, motioning her to stop but she shook her head – which didn’t help the situation, not with the way she swirled him against the inside of her cheek in the process.

“Belly,” He groaned, his pulse a steady drum coursing through his body like an echo. 

Just when he thought he would lose all control, she pulled away and smiled up at him – sweet, yet so seductive. She knew exactly what she did to him.

In one swift motion she was in his arms, their temporary calm shattering in a hungry, desperate kiss. They were starved for each other, always making up for lost time. No matter how much rain comes, a drought is never forgotten.

They fumbled to the bed, and he smiled against her lips as his fingers sank against her core. Liquid heat. She wrapped her legs around his waist and flipped them over, hands against his chest as she lowered herself onto him.

It was a rush of needy kisses and frantic hands as she moved over him, taking the lead. She was the only person in the world that he felt he could surrender to. Let the facade of composure slip. 

He raked his hands from her thighs to her shoulder blades and then across to her chest. She sighed his name and quicked her movement when his fingers danced their way to the peaks of her nipples. He leaned forward and took one in his mouth, falling into complete ecstasy alongside her.

He fell asleep combing his fingers through her hair, her head on his chest and his heart projecting all the way to the moon. 

---

He woke before his alarm feeling surprisingly well rested given the late night. Belly's side of the bed was empty, which was odd–she usually slept in on the weekends. 

“Belly?” He called out, thinking she’d just gone to the bathroom, but the only response was a small thud in the kitchen and a muttered ‘shit’. 

“What are you doing up this early?” He called out, pulling on his boxers. 

“Optimizing our time,” She met him at the bedroom door with a kiss and a steamy mug of coffee, “Happy birthday.”

He’d considered last night his birthday, not realizing his sneaky girlfriend had more planned. 

“Thank you, what’s all—” He chuckled through a smile, taking in the living room and kitchen that she’d decorated in balloons, streamers and a homemade “happy birthday” sign in cut out bubble letters, “Did you sleep?”

She shimmied her shoulders in a noncommittal shrug, “I was too excited. This is the first year we’re together on your birthday. I’ve never gotten to celebrate with you.”

“You came to my party one year when we were kids.” She pulled out a stool at the island and forced him to sit. 

“That’s true,”

“You followed me around the whole day, and then cried when it was time to leave.”

“I don’t remember.”

“I do, I hated it.” He watched her frown and then shook his head, “Not the birthday, just, seeing you sad. The excitement of a reunion outside summer and then the cruel goodbye.”

“Kind of like now?”

He nodded and pulled her toward him, “But it’s temporary this time. We just have to make it to summer and then no more goodbyes.”

“It makes sense,” She leaned her head on his shoulder, “What my mom said, we’ll be at a year then. That’s a normal timeline.”

He wasn’t sure what normal was, and he wasn’t sure he really cared. Not when it came to Belly. There was no normal for them. But if that’s what she wanted, if it was what she needed, then normal is what she would get.

“You’re right, it’s not too early. It’s a good timeline.”

“We wouldn’t want to do it too early,” She looked toward the window, “Right?”

“Right,” He squeezed her hand, “A year is perfect. This summer is perfect.”

“Good,” She leaned forward and kissed the side of his face, “Now, what do you want first? Breakfast or presents?”

She was already walking to the bedroom and held up a hand for him to wait there. When she came back, she set two gifts in front of him - one neatly wrapped and one gift bag with tissue paper poking from the tops. 

“You didn’t need to get me anything,” He had always been bad at receiving gifts.

“I know,” She propped herself against the island to watch, nudging the bag closer to him, “I wanted to celebrate, it’s the day my favorite person was born.”

“Which should I open first?”

“This one,” She tapped the side of the navy blue bag and then bit the bottom of her lip shyly, “It’s kind of… I don’t know, I hope you like it.”

He pulled out the tissue paper and reached for the box inside, pulling out a sleek Polaroid camera. 

“I know we used to have some at the house, but we couldn’t find them for the party this summer and I thought…” She reached into the bag and lifted out a black photo album, “We should start documenting our memories, here, open it...”

He opened the album and there was their first Polaroid, the next several pages were filled with pictures of their summer together. Their selfie with Belly’s birthday cake, planning Taylor and Steven’s party, sunset at the beach, Belly holding her forth of July cake, the photo Laurel had taken of them at the church. 

“This is perfect,” He leaned over the book and kissed her, his hands holding her jaw.

“Most of it is blank, so we can keep filling it.”

“Let’s add to it now,” He started unboxing the camera and meticulously following the instructions to load the film. 

“You’ve given me everything I ever wanted, do you know that?” He wrapped his arms around her and set the Polaroid on the counter, "You're everything.”

He loved watching the way his words could affect her, the way her cheeks would flush and her eyes would look almost shocked for a split moment – as if even now, after everything, she was still in disbelief. He’d make it his life’s mission to erase any doubt from her mind, because to him she really was everything. 

She placed her hands on the sides of his face and he melted a bit at her touch, the warmth of her fingers trailing from his jawline down his neck. “You have one gift left,” She looked at the wrapped gift behind her, “This one isn’t technically from me, though.”

“Oh?”

“You’ll see,” She pulled away and handed him the gift, a flat rectangle wrapped in paper with little dogs in party hats. 

As he wrapped away the paper, he revealed a painted canvas. He didn’t need confirmation of the artist, he already knew. Still, he looked at Belly questioning. 

“My mom had it,” She smiled softly, “It’s, um,” she sighed as if she might cry, “It’s us.”

And it was. It was them, a painting he had never seen. That he never knew existed. It was Conrad and Belly, spinning across the ballroom. She must’ve been inspired by the Deb ball, she must’ve…been clinging to a memory she hadn’t yet been able to make. 

She had stopped painting shortly after the summer had come to an end. This must have been one of her last pieces. It felt like confirmation from his mom that she had seen it too. That she had known all of the same things that he did to be true. 

“Belly,” He reached for her, pulling her into his side, “Thank you.”

There was something unspoken between them, a belief that he could feel deep into his bones. He was a man of science, of tangible facts and infallible truths. But despite that, he believed the universe had intended for their lives to intertwine. It was evident to him in that magnetic pull that he had always felt, even when it was nothing more than innocent, childhood kinship. 

He was hers. He always had been.

 

---

Belly tried to make the best use of her time while Conrad was at work. She deep cleaned the kitchen and bathroom–although neither really needed it, he kept everything impeccable even with his busy schedule.

She hoped she had given him a good birthday, it wasn’t flashy or elaborate and they had tried to maximize his time between shifts as best as possible. Mostly, she hoped he felt how loved he was.

Once he had text that he was on his way home, she made quick work of lighting candles in the bedroom, remade the bed with fresh clean sheets and changed into the lingerie she planned for the night before. 

She turned to herself in the mirror and adjusted the straps, it was a deep red bodysuit made up of intricate, lace flowers. She’d bought it in Paris on a whim after seeing it in a shop window. It had been out of her budget, but it was one of spur of the moment, buy-without-thinking purchases that you can get away with when you’re young. 

It had sat in her drawer for years now, she’d never even worn it aside from trying it on for herself. She’d never worn lingerie for anyone before, had never felt the need. Not that she did now, but she had a strong desire to make the moment special for Conrad. Sexy, elevated – it was her way of showing that she was his. 

“Belly?” His voice was soft when he walked through the apartment door, as if he was afraid she might be asleep. He should know better by now, she thought, her heart was restless around him. She wouldn’t waste their limited time sleeping. 

“In here,” She called out, positioning herself on the edge of the bed. Suddenly she felt self conscious and a little silly. She checked herself in the mirror again and then decided to stand, leaning her weight against the footboard. 

“Oh,” His cheeks reddened and a smile spread across his lips, “Hi, you look…”

“Is this silly?” She felt the urge to grab her robe and cover herself, hide. Why had she dressed herself up like a doll, it was all foolish… 

“Please, don’t,” He said, his voice low as he stepped across the room and grabbed her wrist stopping her from grabbing the robe, “You’re gorgeous. Definitely not silly.”

He lowered his head to her neck and kissed softly, trailing his kisses from her earlobe to her collarbone. 

“It’s not too much?”

He ran his hands delicately down her side, circling his pointer finger along an intricate flower at her hip, “Absolutely not.”

The way his eyes were walking trails along her body, admiring her in a way that was equal parts soft and hungry made her confidence swell. “You like it?”

“You could make anything beautiful, Belly.” He eyes locked on hers as he said it, and then he stepped back and took her in, “Yes, I like it. In fact—“

He turned so swiftly out of the room that she wasn’t sure what was happening until he came back in with a smirk and his new camera in hand. 

“Conrad,” She laughed, covering her mouth as she felt a blush creep back up her chest and to her cheeks. 

“I’m about to tear this thing in two, think of it as a souvenir.”

She laughed and threw herself back on the bed, a shy smile thrown in his direction as he snapped the photo - candid, which was best because she didn’t think she had it in her to pose seriously. 

“Will you,” She motioned her hand around his body, “I feel a little underdressed.”

He set the photo down on the nightstand and hummed in response, the outline of her body just starting to develop as he undressed.

“Let me,” her hands landed on his pants and she bit her lip as he pulsed up toward her reach in involuntary response, “Eager?”

“I can’t help it. You drive me crazy.” He slid a finger under the strap at her shoulder, “This is beautiful, but all I can’t think about is getting it off of you.”

She undid his buckle and helped him out of his pants, ran her hand along his length teasingly and then scooted over and patted the spot beside her in bed.

“It’s still my birthday,” He said matter of factly, lowering himself next to her.

“It is,” She sucked in a breath, her body reacting hungrily to his touch as he worked his way up her arm and back to the straps at her shoulders. As his hands made themselves busy pulling away the straps, he kissed wetly along her collarbone. He paused for a moment before tugging the bodysuit down her torso. 

“And this is all I want,” His kisses kept trailing downward, eyes locked on hers as if he was daring her to stop him. Her body was on fire, greedy for him - she arched her back pushing her breasts into his face and he smirked, message received. His tongue flicked across her nipple before sucking it into his mouth, his motions seeming to sync with the contended sighs and soft moans escaping her. “I love when you get like this,” He groaned against her and finished undressing her, his hands making fast work of tugging the lingerie off the rest of the way until she was fully exposed to him. 

“Like what?” She asked innocently, eyes raking every thread of muscle across his body. His biceps tightened as he moved, flipping her onto her back and caging her between his arms. 

“Insatiable,” He kissed the side of her face, “Like you can’t get enough.”

“I can’t.” She sighed, lifting her head just enough to capture his bottom lip between her teeth, “I really fucking can’t.”

“Good,” He kissed his way down her body, his tongue swirling around each of her nipples before continuing lower and lower until he came to a stop right below her belly button, “Is this what you want?”

“I want everything you have to give me,” Her hands were in his hair and her legs were parted, “All of you.”

He rolled a finger over her center and again she arched toward him. She knew nothing would be enough, the only real relief would come once he was inside her. She’d never craved that, never experienced that empty ache before but now it was persistent. 

“You have all of me,” He kissed her center, sloppy yet intentional in a way that made her cry out for more, “You always have.”

He teased her again with his tongue and she couldn’t contain herself, her body moved on its own accord and she saw stars. 

“Conrad,” She breathed out, surprising herself with the hitch in her voice. His hands wrapped their way around her thighs to her ass and he held her still, firmly against his mouth–all the while his eyes never left her. It was intoxicating, the way he watched her. The way he made her feel confident, locked in, she wanted to hold his gaze but the feeling was overwhelming. 

She was barely hanging on, clinging to her composure by a thread that was getting more elastic by the second. By each swipe of his tongue. When his fingers entered her and thrust up, she knew it wasn’t enough. She knew she wanted all of him, yet despite herself she lost control. It was so intense that she had to push him away, becoming sickenly sensitive the moment the last wave of ecstasy crashed from her throat down to the tips of her toes. 

“That was—“ She breathed, but before she could say more he was flipping her over - his body weight pressed against her back in a deliciously warm and heavy way. 

She reached for him, pulling one of his arms around her waist because she wanted them crushed together. She wanted to feel herself pressed as close as possible to him. 

“I don’t think you have any idea,” He pushed himself forward as she arched back, needing to feel him fill her, “How much you turn me on.”

“I have a pretty clear picture.,”

She reached her free hand behind and wrapped him in her grip, leading him to her entrance and then thrusted back. He made her impatient. Impatient for everything, not just this. For their life to start, to really start. To be done with long distance, to feel like this always.

“Fuck,” His head dropped to her shoulder and his hair tickled the side of her face as he entered her. Bliss. Complete bliss. And she was greedy for more, to make it everlasting. 

He leaned back on his heels, pulling her up with him until she was sitting straight up with her back flush to his chest. She reached behind her and held his head to her neck, stretching and relishing his mouth on her skin. Her body became a map, his hands the covetous explorer–more, more, more. They moved together, their exhales falling in cadence to the rhythm they were creating. 

He moved her so easily, switching positions until he was on top of her. It was simple, but it was her favorite. Feeling him above her, being face to face. It was so easy to fall into the limitless universe that was the two of them. His grip was firm on her thighs, tightening as he lost himself inside her. 

“You feel so good,” He dipped his head to breast and sucked as his hand found its way back between her legs, working in tandem with his thrusts. He lifted his head back to her gaze. 

His words and the way he looked at her like she was magnificent had power, and she came undone around him for the second time. The feeling intensified with the feeling of his warm release inside her and the way he groaned,  “I love finishing inside you.”

She tightened her legs around him and pulled him down for a kiss. They lay together, connected in contented silence for so long that she was sure he had fallen asleep. 

“Did you work on your appetite enough for a slice of cake?”

She smiled up at him, his eyes shining through the dim glow of the candles she had lit. 

“Let me get it,  it’s still your birthday.”

“Don’t you move an inch” 

He lifted himself off the bed, stopped in the bathroom and then emerged in a pair of fresh boxers. A few minutes later he returned with a slice of cake and two forks. He handed it to her and then reached for the camera from the top of his dresser. 

“Sorry, you look too perfect with that cake. I don’t want to forget this birthday.” He snapped a shot of her, sitting up in bed with the sheets pulled up under her armpits and a big slice of the cake she’d made him in her hands. 

It had been a simple birthday, and she hadn’t felt like anything she’d done had been enough. Or could be enough for someone as brilliant and giving as Conrad. 

“Have I told you how much I love you?” She asked, shifting slightly as he lowered back under the sheets beside her, “Because I really, really love you. Like unreasonably so, except it’s not unreasonable at all. It’s the first thing to really make sense in a long time, maybe ever.”

“I love you, too.” He kissed her shoulder and then smiled as he picked up the second fork and took a bite of cake, “For the record, my only wish was you.”

“Shh,” She batted her hand toward him, “You’re not supposed to say your wish, it’s bad luck.”

“All of mine already came true, I don’t need a single thing outside this room right now.”

---

The perfect weekend was punctuated by a goodbye that felt worse than usual. They had no plans to see each other until Thanksgiving, which was almost a month out. She felt like she might as well have ripped her heart from her chest and tucked it in beside Conrad, on her side of the bed. Her side of the bed that would stay empty now. 

It felt for the first time like she was leaving her own life to go play pretend in someone else’s. This life, this new life with Conrad, felt like it belonged to her. Going back home felt like stepping back into the pages of a book she’d already read. 

The whole drive back she reminded herself of the plan. She talked herself through it. By the time she was exiting off the freeway she had steadied herself into the plan.

It was important to do it the right way, she reminded herself. To not rush or create a mess of what they had created. Her mother was right, living together was a huge step. If they did it too soon, maybe they would ruin it and fold under the pressure. They could regret it. She didn’t want any more regrets when it came to Conrad. Everything needed to be perfect. So she knew that waiting was the right choice. 

What she didn’t know was that in a few weeks time, everything would change. Even the best laid plans aren’t immune to derailment. 

Notes:

As always - thank you for still being here and reading along! It seems like this new season is bringing some new readers to This Love and I am so grateful to be able to share my writing and connect with all of you - new readers and those of you who have been following along for *woah* almost two years now.

If you haven't already connected with me, you can follow along on IG @redclovers.writes. I have some exciting updates coming soon- I'll finally be sharing some original work /my first book with you in a serialized style as well as some behind the scenes writing content.

When I tell you I have been waiting to write this next chapter for a LONG time. Its a fun one, a big one, a revealing one... a little plot bunny (do people still say that or am I aging myself ha) that hopped into my head in the early chapters and hasn't left.

Comments are always very appreciated! Consider them writer's fuel -- I love to know how the chapter landed, did you love it? Hate it? What was your favorite part?

(Also - how are we all holding up after that surf scene?? Ahh! I can't wait for next week's ep)

See you soon- or maybe later? xoxo

Chapter 22: Chapter 21

Notes:

Hello! If you're here in real time, then you're probably counting down the minutes until the next episode! Sorry for posting this so late in the day, but better now than never?

Alright, lets dive into this one- its Thanksgiving for our summer kids, the gang is back together and secrets are piling up.

See you at the end ;)

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night
And I will get you, and get you alone
Your name has echoed through my mind
And I just think you should, think you should know
That nothing safe is worth the drive
And I would follow you, follow you home
I'll follow you, follow you home

~Taylor Swift, Treacherous 

 

It had been years since Conrad had actually done anything to celebrate Thanksgiving. There had been a few years that he’d been invited to celebrate with friends when he was out west, but usually he declined and volunteered himself to work. This year, though, he was finally back home and he had people to celebrate with. Someone, to be more specific. 

He’d driven to Laurel's straight after his shift the night before; not arriving until the middle of the night, and then slept in late into Wednesday morning. Belly was at the school already, her last day before the long weekend, by the time he woke up. 

“Hey, Connie,” Laurel said as he tiptoed down the stairs around lunchtime, “I hope I didn’t wake you, I knew you had a late night.”

“Hey, Laur,” He ducked into the doorway and gave her a hug, “Not at all. Thanks for having me.”

“Of course,” She smiled, “I’m glad you’ll be with us this year. Are you hungry? There’s some leftovers in the fridge.”

Most of the time he saw Laurel as a friend, an equal. That was how she had always treated him. It was as if she had seen that part of him even back when he was a kid, the part of him that saw things for what they were. That understood things beyond his years. When his mother wouldn’t level with him, Laurel would. 

There was also always that side of Laurel that was tender and reserved only for her kids. Conrad and Jeremiah had always fallen into that category. He knew it was healing for her and for them to lean into the maternal bond that existed. She was the closest link that he had to his mother, and he supposed he and his brother were the closest link that she had to her Beck. 

He accepted the plate of food she reheated for him and joined her at the table to eat. When she asked about work it wasn’t just to be polite, it was because she actually cared. She was always engaged in his tales of the hospital, and beamed with pride the way he knew his mom would have. Laurel always made sure to let him know of that. Of how proud his mother would be. 

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” He said, clearing his throat after a lull in conversation. He had just told her about getting to scrub in for surgery recently, about the woman who he’d been able to give good news to. How she’d cried and thanked him, even though he hadn’t felt worthy or like he’d really done anything at all.

“Sure, is everything alright?”

“I’m really serious about Belly, I think you know that.” He felt nervous, which wasn’t usual around Laurel. He wanted her approval though, he really did. 

“I do.”

He nodded, “She told you about our plan to move in together this summer?”

“She did.”

“Thanks, by the way, for letting her stay here the rest of the year.”

“Of course, I’m her mom. This is her home.” She laughed a little, “Is that what you wanted to say?”

“No, I just, I want to make sure you’re okay with it. I know Belly said you are. But I want to make sure you really mean it.

“I’m okay with it, Connie. I really am.” She reached for the pitcher of water she’d set between them and refilled their glasses,  “It’s a big step, but I think you’re both capable of knowing if the time is right. I’ll just tell you the same thing I told Belly, don’t rush the next steps. Enjoy this chapter - don’t rush to get married and please, wait to have babies.”

He nearly spit out his drink, he should’ve expected Laurel to go there. “I’m in no rush for that,” He swallowed, “For either. I just want to give this relationship a fair shot, and it’s hard with 4 hours between us.”

“I understand that,” She smiled, “I just want what's best for you both, and I think you’ve found it.”

 

---

 

Laurel and Conrad were on the couch watching the news, both of them with their laptops in front of them working when Belly and Taylor came through the door. They had signed up for Pilates class every Wednesday a few weeks ago and Conrad had insisted it was fine to still go after work.

He closed his laptop and stood to greet them at the door, planting only a chaste kiss to Belly’s lips considering their audience. “How was Pilates?”

“Horrific,” Taylor responded, “We should’ve skipped, my arms are jello.”

“It was not that bad.” Belly rolled her eyes at her friend and hugged Conrad’s side, “How was your day?”

“Good, we just got back from the grocery store and I got everything on your list for pies.”

“Bless you babe for doing the pies,” Taylor sighed and kicked off her shoes, then sank into the couch, “Who knew hosting Thanksgiving would be this hard?”

“How about I come by early tomorrow morning and help you get started?” Laurel offered, a sympathetic smile in Taylor’s direction 

“That would be great,” She replied seriously.

“Do you still need those table clothes?” Laurel asked, “They’re in the linen closet upstairs. Why don’t you go grab them, Belly?”

“I’ll come with you,” Taylor stood, “I need to change out of these sweaty clothes or I’m going to suffocate. Seriously, that instructor was trying to kill us.”

Laurel turned back to her laptop and Conrad back to the news. At the sound of the closet door slamming upstairs Laurel turned to him, “Would you go help them? I think the tablecloths are on the top shelf and I hate the way Belly climbs that thing. She’s done it since she was a kid.”

“Sure,” Conrad said with a chuckle, picturing a little Belly climbing up the shelves. 

The linen closet was shut at the top of the stairs and Belly’s door cracked open slightly. He was about to ask if they’d been able to get the tablecloths, but stopped when he heard Taylor talking - a hushed, but sharp tone to her voice. 

“Ok, I get not telling him last night since he got here in like the middle of the night, but are you going to say something tonight?”

“I don’t know, tomorrow's a holiday.” Belly said weakly, “I haven’t even fully digested this myself. I don’t know what I should do. I’m just, in shock I guess.”

“I get it, it’s unexpected but like…kind of good, too, right?” 

“I don’t know,” He heard a dresser door open and shut and then a long sigh, “Maybe, but maybe not.”

“Well,” There was a long pause, “It doesn’t have to change anything if you don’t want it too. There are always options.”

“I know.”

“But, you should maybe at least consider looping Conrad in. See how he feels? It’s your life, it’s up to you no matter what, but he’s eager for you to move to Boston anyways right?”

“Yeah, but this isn’t how we planned it. Conrad likes a plan.”

“Do you actually think that man cares about a plan when it comes to you?”

“I just need to process this. Please don’t say anything to anyone yet, not even Steven.”

“Of course not, babe. You know me, I’m a fucking vault.”

Conrad furrowed his brows together, confused. Belly had seemed fine last night - although, all she did was sleepily greet him at the door and curl back into bed. She’d seemed fine on the phone though, too. He gritted his teeth together and worried about what could be happening. He didn’t want to get busted, he really hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. 

He turned toward the linen closet and closed one of the doors loud enough to let them know he was in there, “Belly?” He called out.

She poked her head from her bedroom and looked at him, as if she was expecting him to ask what they’d been talking about, “Yeah?”

“Did you find the table clothes? Laurel was worried you guys wouldn’t be able to reach them.”

“She doubts my climbing abilities still,” she shook her head, “Yeah, we got them.”

“Okay, everything good then?”

“All set,” she smiled, “Taylor is just going to change. Come on, we’ll make sure these were the tablecloths Laurel meant.”

She emerged with a smile and gave his arm a gentle squeeze as they went downstairs together as if everything was fine. 

 

---

 

There was flour everywhere. Every crevice of the counter was caked and Belly’s hands were coated in sticky dough. 

“I think I messed something up,” She said, barely suppressing a laugh as she held her hands up in Conrad’s direction, “It shouldn’t be this sticky, right?”

“Let me see,” He pulled the recipe book across the counter, “Too much water, maybe? How much did you use?”

“I added as much as they said to,” She looked over his shoulder at the recipe and then added, “I think. I guess we should’ve gone for the frozen crust. Is it too late to go to the store?”

“Hold on now,” He nudged her jokingly, “We can salvage this. Let’s just…add more flour. No, actually. Let’s dump this and start fresh.”

“With you in charge of measurements this time?”

“Maybe” He laughed and then looked at her, flour smudged across her nose, “How was work today, you’re a little distracted?”

“No, I’m just an intermediate baker. I’ve never made pie.” She sighed and ran her hands under the kitchen sink - chunks of wet dough dropping onto the steel bottom in heavy thunks. 

“Hey, just think,” He measured out flour into a new bowl, “Maybe in a few years we’ll be making peach pie with your very own peaches.”

“Maybe,” She dried her hands and dished more butter from the fridge, “Too bad you won’t be able to have any.”

“I’d risk an itchy mouth to try one of your peaches.”

She burst out laughing, “That sounded so wrong,” 

“Well,” He laughed and shrugged his shoulders, a suggestive smirk and a glimmer in his eyes. 

“You’ve tried my peaches.”

“I meant the ones we’ve…grown.”

“Sure, sure.”

The doorbell rang and Belly left Conrad to roll out the dough. “Hey you guys,” She greeted Sam with a side hug and then eyed Jeremiah, giving him a tense look before hugging him back. She was still not happy with the way he had treated Conrad and the entire situation with the house. But, she had pledged to stay out of it. 

“Thank you for inviting us,” Samanatha said, stepping out of her shoes and nudging Jeremiah to follow suit. 

“Of course, we’re just making pies for tomorrow.” She glanced back toward the kitchen,  “Well, Conrad is and I’m supervising.”

“Ah, Betty Crocker in the kitchen where he belongs.” Jeremiah joked loudly, walking up behind Conrad to greet him. 

“Hey, Jere,” Conrad nodded, “Glad you guys decided to come.”

“Well of course, I haven’t seen you for a holiday in like, what? Five, six years?”

“Back home now,” Conrad said, looking in Belly’s direction in a way that made her stomach flutter, “For good.”

Once the pies were in the oven and the house was smelling delicious, the four of them sat at the kitchen table with a deck of cards between them. 

“Taylor and Steven aren’t coming over?”

“They’re busy getting ready for tomorrow, she’s taking hosting her first holiday very seriously.”

“I don’t think I could do it,” Samantha said, shuffling the deck like a professional, “I would be ordering everything in.”

“It takes a special talent,” Belly laughed in agreement,”But Taylor loves organizing events, don’t let her fool you - she’ll be in her element tomorrow.”

“Does Laurel have any beer?” Jeremiah got up from the table and hung his head in the fridge, “Ah-ha, she won’t mind, right?”

“Go for it,” Belly said, “She bought them for Conrad.”

Jeremiah grabbed two bottles from the fridge and held one in Conrad’s direction, “Ladies?”

“No, I’ve already got a headache,” Belly shook her head and Sam shook her head too, “I’m good.”

“More for us,” Jeremiah came back to the table, setting the second beer in front of Conrad, "What's new with the two of you?”

Conrad felt Belly’s eyes on him, as if she was trying to gauge how to answer. Most likely, he figured, because the last interaction the four of them had was chaotic. They had ended Adam’s wedding weekend on good terms, but without any real sense of resolution. Jeremiah had since told Conrad he would meet him with his business plan, but had flaked on their first weekend–saying he wasn’t able to make it to Boston, and the second time they had scheduled Conrad had been stuck at the hospital. 

The only solution Conrad could come to was that he would have to either borrow Jeremiah some cash himself or help him find another way to get a loan. A way that didn’t involve the house, and was more reasonable than Conrad forking over half the value to buy him out. 

“Just getting through the year,” Belly answered for them both, “Long distance sucks, you guys did it for a while, right?”

“On and off,” Jeremiah nodded, “It wasn’t so bad. There is facetime, you know?”

“You just have to get creative,” Samantha teased.

“Right,” Belly looked to Conrad, a blush spreading across her cheeks. He liked that the intimate side of their relationship stayed between them. It wasn’t for show, they had nothing to prove. He was sure his brother thought they were prudes, but he didn’t really care. 

“What about you guys? You’re back in New York now, Sam?”

“Yeah, we’re in New York for now,” She looked to Jeremiah, “We’ll see what happens with Jere’s new business and where we land.”

“Nice,” Belly nodded and nudged Conrad’s foot under the table and then changed the subject, “Well, I’m hungry. Who wants pizza?”

 

---

 

At the end of the night, when they’d stayed up much later than they should have and Jeremiah and Conrad had both had enough beer to have a nice buzz, they stood at the door and said their goodbyes.

“Hey man,” Jere leaned in the doorframe, he was waiting for Samantha who had ran up to the bathroom, “About all the house stuff, we’re good right?”

Belly lingered back by the couch, uncomfortable and hoping that this conversation didn’t lead to any argument.

“We’re good, Jere,” Conrad nodded, “You just need to know that we will never gamble the house. That is mom’s house. It stays in this family.”

Jere nodded, “And if I want out? What if I don’t want kids to pass it to?”

Belly opened her mouth to say something, she wasn’t sure what but she felt like he was testing Conrad in a way she didn’t like. 

“And what if I don’t?” Conrad laughed and she narrowed her eyes, unsure if he meant it or if he was playing back.

“You do,” Jere shook his head and laughed, “I’m just saying, would it be so bad if it were just yours? If you bought me out?”

Before any of them could respond, Samantha came back down the stairs, “Ready to go?” 

“Just waiting on you.” Jeremiah smiled at her, helping her into her coat. 

The conversation died there, which was probably for the best. 

---

 

One of the things that Conrad had missed most while in California was the definite change of seasons. The neverending sunshine got old after a while and it was easy to lose sense of time passing. The brisk fall air felt refreshing to his lungs as he ran Thanksgiving morning, and he was grateful for yet another marker of a season passing with Belly. 

She was number one on his list of what he was grateful for this year. He would try not to have too much wine at dinner and make a cheesy toast that Steven and Jeremiah would roast him over for the next year. Try, but there weren’t any guarantees. 

He did hope that if anyone got loose-lipped and tipsy it would be Belly. She seemed to be clamming up on him. Something was definitely bothering her, but she wouldn’t say. Maybe his long hours and the distance were finally getting to her. Whatever it was, he hoped she would come around and tell him before he went back to Boston. 

When he got back from his run, Laurel had already left - having promised Taylor she’d be over to help with the sides and Belly was in the kitchen with wet hair and her towel, brewing a pot of coffee. 

“Good morning,” He kissed the side of her face, “How’d you sleep?”

“Better with you here,” She grabbed two mugs from the cabinet and set them in front of the coffee maker, “How was your run? You got up early.”

“Old habits,” He watched as she poured their coffee, cream and sugar in hers, “I know Taylor is waiting for us to help, I’ll go get showered.”

The upstairs bathroom in Laurel’s house was small and to say Belly had taken it over would be an understatement. He could see why Laurel had her own designated bathroom. He tidied the counter - lining up her products neatly. Good thing, he thought, that his apartment had double sinks. He took a mental note to make sure they always had double sinks.

He turned toward the shower and accidentally knocked the small trash can with the side of his foot, he winced at his stubbed down and muttered under his breath. He had spilled everything out across the tile flooring, a sea of soft tissue and cardboard toilet paper rolls at his feed. He knelt down and tried to scoop it all back in, when a flat white stick fell out from a wad of tissue and landed on the top of his foot. 

It took him a moment to realize what it was, and then an entire moment later to think to flip it over. His heart dropped at the two pink lines. He didn't need a medical degree to know what this meant.

Fuck.

 

---

 

“Conrad!” Belly yelled up the stairs, “Are you almost ready? I already loaded up the pies.”

She looked at the clock again, he never took this long to get ready. This was Jeremiah level timing. 

“Sorry,” He said quickly, almost stumbling down the stairs pulling his sweater over his head, “Sorry. I was going to do that.”

“Are you alright?” She couldn’t help but laugh, he looked like a cartoon character the way he was flying around. 

“I’m,” He looked at strangely, squinting as if he was trying to read something in her face, “Yeah, I’m just, you know…I’m okay.”

“What does that mean?” She asked, trying to read his expression as he looked at her as if he was examining her.

“Sorry,” He shook his head, shaking himself out of his thoughts, “I think it’s all the coffee, and I’m probably over tired.”

“Do you want to stay here and nap for a while? We could drive separately?” She placed her hands on the sides of his faces and he melted a little when he looked at her, his face softening. He placed his hands on top of hers and brought one of her palms to his mouth, kissed it softly. 

“No, I’m alright. Let’s go.”

Once they were in the car, she fiddled with the radio and wondered what was really going on with him. Maybe he suspected something was going on with her. She wasn’t sure why she couldn’t bring herself to tell him. Maybe it was because Conrad was a solutions guy, and she wasn’t ready for the solutions yet. She needed to sit with it for a while longer herself, and figure out what she wanted. 

Well, she thought, she knew what she wanted. But she also wasn’t sure about the timing of everything.  What she shared with Conrad felt precious and delicate, she didn’t want to complicate anything. She didn’t want to rush into steps they weren’t ready for. And she knew that if she told him, that would be his solution. He would want her to move right away. 

At the first stoplight, he looked at her kind of funny and then reached over to touch her face as if he was checking her for a fever. “Did you eat anything today?”

“No, I’m saving room.” She pointed to all their pies on the backseat. 

“You should at least eat something. I’ll stop, there has to be somewhere open.”

“I’m fine,” She waved him off, “Taylor will have snacks out, we’ll eat in a few hours.”

“Do you feel okay?”

“Do I feel…” she laughed, “I feel fine, I’m just saving room for all the Thanksgiving food. Do you feel fine? You’re the one who should be hungover.”

“You don’t feel sick or anything?”

“No, do you?” He did look a little pale, “Actually, you don’t look so good.”

“Me?” He glanced up toward the rear view mirror, “I feel fine.”

His tone said otherwise, and he turned sharply into the parking lot of a convenience store with an open sign. Wordlessly he got out of the car, leaving her there bewildered. 

He came back to the car and handed her a giant water bottle, three different kinds of protein bars, a banana, an apple and a bag of sour patch kids. 

“I didn’t know what you would want,”

“Well,” None of it, she wanted to say, “Thanks, I guess.”

He shut the car door and looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to choose something and eat. 

“Okay,” She unwrapped a protein bar and made a big show of taking a bite, “Happy?”

“Are you?” She almost laughed in response.

“That my boyfriend cares enough about me to stop and buy like forty three varieties of protein bars to make sure I don’t go hungry on the holiday known for gluttony? Absolutely.”

He sighed and gave her a pointed look before pulling his seatbelt back over his shoulder and shifting back into drive. 

“Do you want one?” She asked through a mouthful, holding up the food. 

“I’m okay,” 

When they pulled up to Taylor and Steven’s house, she shoved everything into her bag and watched patiently as Conrad picked up their tote of pies and carefully carried them inside. 

“You’re here!” Taylor said happily as they walked in. She had transformed their home into what Belly could only describe as fall harvest chic. It was as if Martha Stewart herself had came into town to help decorate. 

 

---

 

“What do you think?” Steven asked triumphantly, carving into the big turkey, “This is going to be the best turkey we’ve had in years, no offense mom.”

“None taken,” She held up her hands and shook her head jokingly. They had a full house, all the summer kids and their partners in attendance. The first holiday, aside from the 4th, that they’d all be spending together since Susannah passed. 

“Looks good, Steve,” Jere clapped him on the back, “You sure you didn’t go to culinary school?”

“Okay, let’s not pump up his ego that much.” Taylor rolled her eyes

“The sides are always the best part,” Belly threw a smile in her friends direction, “and of course, the tablescape aesthetics.”

“Thank you, you get it.” Taylor grabbed a bottle of wine from the buffet table behind her and went around the table, refilling everyones glasses, “Before we dig in, lets all say a little toast to what we’re grateful for.”

“Like Susannah liked to do,” Steven nodded meaningfully in Conrad and Jeremiah’s direction.

Belly wrapped her hand around her glass of wine and gave it a little swirl, feeling Conrad’s eyes on her the entire time. She smiled at him softly, figuring he too was thinking of all they had to be grateful for this year. 

“I am so grateful to have all of you kids together this year,” Laurel started, “I’m so proud of each of you, look at how far you’ve come, all that you’ve accomplished.”

She smiled and then shook her head, as if to ward off any tears and then cleared her throat and nodded to Steven to her right to signal that it was his turn.

“I am beyond grateful for my beautiful wife and the way she’s made this house our home,” Taylor leaned into his side, a rare blush across her cheeks, “And for our first holiday as husband and wife.”

“Aww,” She wiped at her eyes and then glared across the table, “I am not getting emotional. Someone else go.”

Despite the fact that they were working clockwise, Conrad seemed surprised when it was his turn. Belly squeezed his thigh under the table and looked to him expectantly. He cleared his throat, “A lot has happened this year, I don’t think…” He smiled softly toward his wine glass, “I don’t think I could have even guessed last year at Thanksgiving that this is where I’d be this year. That life would have taken shape the way it has. I’m grateful that it has, I’m grateful for–shit, I’m grateful that Steven and Taylor got married and that it propelled me back…to Belly.”

“Aww,” 

Belly leaned over and kissed him on the cheek sweetly, openly. It felt good to love openly and without inhibition or judgement.

“And thats why Conrad has to go last next year,” Jere said, holding his wine glass toward his brother, “No one ever wants to follow whatever profound sounding bullshit he says.”

“Well I for one am very grateful for every word he says, profound or otherwise.” Belly quipped.

Once they had all said their gratitudes, they raised their glasses in toast and began their feast. Belly felt Conrad’s eyes on her once again as she took a long sip from her glass–one of his hands wrapped softly around her elbow and he whispered, “Belly, what are you doing?”

“What do you mean?” She laughed, setting her glass back down in front of her. He looked from the glass to her and then toward his plate. An expression across his face as if he was trying to solve a complicated math problem in his head. “Are you okay?”

“I’m–” He took a sip of his own wine and then nodded, “Yeah, sorry, I don’t…know.”

“Don’t know what?” She asked softly, but they were quickly interrupted by the chatter across the table. Everyone sharing stories and reminiscing on years past. The topic was dropped and easily forgotten. 

 

---

 

After dinner, Conrad helped Steven clear the table while the girls set up the pies in the dining room. 

“You good man?” Steven asked, “You’ve been kind of quiet all day.”

“Sorry,” Conrad shrugged, scraping a plate into the trash, “It’s been a long few days, I’m just tired.”

“I get it,” Steven opened the fridge, “I’m switching to beer. Want one or do you need a coffee or something?” 

“Beer is good,” Conrad leaned against the counter and accepted the can, just as Laurel poked her head in from the dining room.

“Could you grab another bottle of wine, Steven?” 

Steven’s hands were full, trying to get the kitchen back into a semi-organized state. Conrad waved a hand toward him, “I got it, where do you have the rest?”

“Right in there, bottom shelf I think.”

Conrad opened the pantry and knelt down, grabbing a bottle of red when he saw one that was already opened. “Do you want to finish the one that's already uncorked?”

“Whatevers there is fine.”

Conrad grabbed the open bottle, flipped it around and read the label. Non-alchoholic. 

Of course she had Taylor covering for her, he realized. Based on the conversation he had overhead the night before, it was clear that she knew. He didn’t blame her, couldn’t find it in himself to be mad he just wanted to make sure that she was okay. 

Maybe, underneath that, he was a little hurt that she hadn’t told him. He would have hoped that out of everyone, he would have been who she turned to. Fuck, he thought, if she was pregnant this was both of their lives. This was for both of them to figure out and go through together, no matter what. He had to leave for Boston early the next morning, they needed to talk now. He didn’t want to wait until he was back home and they were having to talk over the phone about something this important. 

He slid the non-alcoholic bottle back into its hiding place in the back and grabbed a fresh bottle of red.

 

---

 

After pie, everyone dispersed between the living room and dining room. When the guys got tired of the football game, they slowly tricked back into the dining room where the girls had spread out board games, drank more wine and helped themselves to second and thirds of pie. 

“This is the best pumpkin pie I’ve ever had,” Sam said, digging her fork into what Belly was sure was her third slice, “Seriously, I need the recipe.”

“You’d actually have to learn to use the kitchen then, babe.” Jeremiah joked, leaning into the back of her chair.

“I meant I need the recipe so you can bake this,” She teased back, “If your brother can bake, I’m sure you can too.”

“She got you there,” Steven teased and Belly looked up at Conrad, a smile of pride for their pies being a success. 

He looked tuned out to the entire conversation though, she reached for his hand and motioned for him to sit in the empty chair next to her. He hadn’t had enough sleep, she was sure of that. And he had a drive ahead of him in the morning, followed by another string of long shifts at the hospital. 

This morning she had decided she needed to tell him, even if she wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted or what would be best. They could talk it out together before he left. Now though, she wasn’t sure it would be a good idea to add more stress onto his plate.

“You sure you’re okay?” She said quiet enough for it to be just for him to hear, “You’re still looking a little pale. Do you want to head out and get some sleep?”

“No, no,” He shook his head and squeezed her hand, “I’m okay. Unless you’re…”

“What?”

“Do you not feel well? Do you want to go?”

“I’m fine, Conrad,” She laughed, “Really. I’m just worried about you. You’ve looked a little off all day.”

“Sorry.” He shook his head and she leaned across the table, grabbing the open wine bottle and refilled her glass.

“Did you want more?” She asked, tilting the bottle in his direction.

“You don’t have to pretend, Belly.” He whispered and she felt her nose scrunch in confusion.

“Pretend what?”

Under the table he took her free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, his thumb brushing across her knuckles. “I know.”

“You…know?” 

“I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to wait for you to tell me but it’s eating me up. I wasn’t trying to snoop, I just saw it by mistake and–”

“Thats why you’re acting so weird?”

“Am I that obvious?” He sighed and ran a hand down the side of his face, “To be fair, you’ve been a little weird, too. And I heard you talking to Taylor last night, I just…Are you okay?”

“I was kind of shocked at first,” She set the wine glass down and turned toward him, “And then a little panicked. But, I’ve had a few days to think about it and, maybe it's for the best?”

“I hope you know that I am here no matter what.” He looked her straight in the eyes, holding her gaze, “Whatever that looks like. We’ll figure it out together.”

“I know that,” She said reassuringly, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I wanted to call you right away, but then I just kind of froze up. I mean, the timing is crazy, right? And I didn’t want you to feel like the only option was for me to run to Boston and move in with you right away. We can still stick to the original plan.”

“We–” He tapped his fingers as if he was counting, “We might not have time to do that. Unless you want to stay closer to Laurel, if you do…I’ll transfer here.”

“Why would I–”

“Or we can start looking at bigger apartments. Houses even, if that’s what you want.”

“What? I think I need to start with a job, we definitely don’t need a bigger apartment.”

“You don’t think so?”

“I don’t have that much stuff,” She laughed and he turned his head as if he was confused. 

“We’ll figure out the details later,” He waved his hand, “You’re feeling okay then?”

“I feel better now that we’ve talked.”

“Me too.” His eyes were so soft when he asked, “And you…you want to do this?”

“Yeah, I do. I know it’s not the timing we talked about, but I’ve thought about it and I think I’m ready. Are you?”

“As long as you are then I’m all in.”

She laughed and shook her head, confused by his answer. She had been worried about the timing being off, but was sure he would be a little more thrilled at her moving to Boston sooner. This had been what he was pushing for, after all.

“Laurel might freak.”

“She’ll come around,” He pulled her chair closer to his, “I can’t believe it. Have you been to a doctor yet? When did you even find out?”

“A doctor?” 

“Or we can find one in Boston,” The color seemed to be coming back to his cheeks, “I’ll ask around, find the best one.”

“I’m confused…”

“Or if you already have a doctor that you want to see here. I was just thinking, it would be best to get set up with a doctor in Boston sooner rather than later if you’ll be there.”

“Like…a new primary care doctor?”

“No, Belly,” His eyebrows knit together, “You’re going to need to get set up with an OBGYN in Boston for the pregnancy.”

“What?” She said somewhere between a laugh and a confused shriek.

“Belly–” He opened and shut his mouth, looking at her bewildered as she clutched his bicep and laughed.

“Pregnant?” She shook her head at him, “Is that why you’ve been acting so weird?”

“Well,” He pressed his fingers into the side of his face and then dropped both hands into his lap, he got that look again-as if he was trying to solve a puzzle or a math equation, “You’re not?”

“No, of course not.”

“Well then, but…” He squinted his eyes, “I saw a test in your bathroom. I accidentally knocked over the trash and it fell out.”

“It wasn’t mine,” She shook her head, “Are you sure that’s what you saw.”

“Positive.” He nodded, “And so was the test.”

“Shit,” Belly looked around the room, “Taylor changed upstairs yesterday…”

“Sam was up there, too.” Conrad added, gesturing across the room where the pair were chatting. 

“We have a bit of a mystery on our hands.” Belly raised her eyebrows, “I think Taylor would have told me.”

“Wait, what were you two talking about then? What did you think that I knew?”

“Oh,” Belly nodded once, “It seems a lot less of a big deal in comparison. I was notified this week that my position is being cut at the end of the semester. I won’t have a job to go back to after winter break. I thought you were saying that you saw the written notice, I accidentally left it out on my desk."

“Shit, Belly,” He tucked her hair behind her ear, “I’m sorry.”

“But,” She grinned at him and waited for him to realize the conclusion.

“That’s what you meant, you can move to Boston sooner. This winter.”

“Yeah,” A smile had spread across his face that she couldn’t help but mirror. 

“I’m really sorry about your job, but you’ll find something even better. Or, you had talked before about grad school? Whatever is going to make you happy.”

“I think,” She reached for his hand and pulled it to her lap, “I’ll be happy no matter what once I get to see you every day.”

“Me too,” 

Across the room, Jeremiah pushed his chair from the table and stood. “I wanted to make one last little announcement, while we’re all together.”

Conrad’s head whipped toward Belly and they exchanged a knowing look. So that was who left the test behind. 

“Well, actually, we would like to make an announcement.” Steven clarified, standing up and clapping Jeremiah on the back.

Belly’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. That wasn’t what she was expecting.

“I presented my business plan to Steven, and he sprinkled some of his genius boy spark onto it…” Jeremiah beamed at each of them and then nudged Steven to continue.

“And we’re teaming up, we’re business partners.” 

Belly heard the exhale of relief as it left Conrad’s body. This could mean that Jeremiah would let his nonsense about the house rest.

“Oh, that’s great!” Laurel smiled.

“Good for you both,” Conrad nodded and lifted his can of beer from the table in toast toward them.

“Who is it?” Belly said under her breath and then across the table at Taylor her hands folded in front of her as she smiled up at Steven, prating on about his ideas for the juice bar. 

Belly would never know what it was like to have a sister, but she was sure that the bond she shared with Taylor was just as strong. They had been through the mud together, fought with and for each other, picked each other up off of the floor (sometimes literally), and shared both the best and worst moments of their lives with each other. 

She should have suspected sooner. She had probably distracted Taylor with her own problem, between getting laid off and not knowing if it was too soon to move in with Conrad, she had taken up all the airspace this week.

Belly smiled to Conrad and then stood and made her way to the empty chair next to Taylor. Steven and Jeremiah were animatedly telling Laurel their plan–Steven would be more of silent partner once it was up and running with Jere acting as the face of the company.

Belly whispered to Taylor, “You’re probably the most kick ass host this town has ever seen.”

“Thank you,” Taylor smiled and turned toward Belly, “Your pies were pretty good, too.”

“That was all Conrad,” Belly admitted.

“Take the compliment.” One of the many life lessons Taylor had given her.

“Is it you?” Belly asked gently, “Are you pregnant?”

Taylor looked at her almost surprised, and then nodded, “I panicked and left that test behind.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I planned to, that was why I took it there in the first place. But, I fully thought it would be negative and that I would telling you more in a, ‘can you believe how crazy and paranoid I was being' joking kind of way.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“Like somehow everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be.” Her smile lit up her entire face and tears sparkled in the corner of her eyes.

“I’m so happy for you!” Belly whisper-yelled and squeezed her forearm. She wanted to hug her, but knew that if she did everyone would turn to look at them.

“I’m telling Steven tonight,” Taylor looked toward him, “I have a whole, corny gratitude thing planned.”

“He’s going to be so excited.” And she meant it, knew it, with every piece of her being. Her own heart beat faster in excitement, overflowing already with love and pride. She’d be an auntie! 

She looked across the room toward Conrad and they shared a smile, holding each other’s gaze for a beat. There was a whole new chapter ahead for each of them; new beginnings, new paths, new life. More than Belly could have ever hoped for, and she never wanted to take that for granted. She was nothing short of grateful. 

Notes:

As always - thank you for reading along! This is the most fun journey, and while our chapters are starting to come to a close we are not done yet!

The plot bunny for this chapter hopped into my brain early on and refused to leave, I'm glad it has finally made its debut and I hope you enjoyed!

Comments and kudos are always appreciated and do feed us hungry writers (we love words and all, you know)

If you haven't already, you can find me on IG @redclovers.writers - I have some new writing projects up my sleeve and love to connect and chat all things TSITP and... Conrad Fisher.

Ok- if you are reading in real time, then it is almost time for the new episode! Hopefully this helped ease the wait. I cannot wait. See you in Paris?

XO Red