Chapter Text
Glancing up to the big watch on the office wall, Clarke flicked the pencil in between her fingers, her lips trilling and bubbling when she impatiently breathed out air in through them.
She had been waiting in her manager's office for at least half an hour and the walls in the small room began feeling like they were caving in on her.
The business side of things was Clarke’s least favorite thing about the management she was bought into. She wanted to be out, making art, sharing art and going to galleries. Not stuck in a room on a high building of New York City where the air even felt suffocating to breathe.
Letting out a long sigh, Clarke finally pushed herself away from the table and up from the chair. She walked towards the one small window in the room, peeking through the blinds she watched as the cars drove past on the very busy street and people walked in such a rush over the roads, like they were all chasing time in hurry. Was that what life was supposed to be like? So incredibly busy and just.. gray?
Clarke nearly jumped out of her skin and quickly spun around when the door finally swung open and Josephine walked inside.
Her hands were busy with all of the paperwork she was trying to balance in her embrace while she at the same time kept the phone call secured against her shoulder.
“ Okay, great. I’ll call you back. “ Josephine said before placing the pile of papers on the table and hanging up the call.
“ Geez, you seem busy. “ Clarke said, walking over to the table and pulling out her chair before she sat down again.
Searching through the papers in front of her, Josephine sat down on the other side of the table, “ We have a lot to discuss. “ She sighed.
“ Okay, what? “
Pulling out a paper, Josephine quickly slid it across the table and closer to Clarke. Looking down, all Clarke really saw was numbers and diagrams and statistics that she did not understand no matter how long she studied the paper.
“ One million and two hundred thousand. “ Josephine murmured and Clarke slowly raised a brow.
“ What’s that? “ She asked, glancing up to meet Josephine’s eyes again. “ The amount of artwork I need to make? “
“ It might as well be, Clarke. “
Josephine’s voice was strained and strict through the frustration that flowed through the room in such an obvious way.
“ But no, “ Josephine paused, shaking her head. “ It’s the amount of money you lost this last year. “
Clarke slowly pushed the paper away, tilting her head to the side, “ I think I would have been better off without that information. “ She said, the sarcasm slipping from her tongue.
“ This is serious, Clarke. “
Locking her hands over the table, Josephine leaned closer when her voice became stricter. “ Your work is failing, people are not buying your art like they used to. “
“ It is not interesting enough or emotional enough. It is not enough. “
Clarke slowly shook her head, with a tilt of her chin she glanced down to her lap while a low breath slipped through her lips.
She had not had a good show in months. Clarke was not sure what it was. Perhaps she had not paid too much attention to how much she actually lost but she did know that things had changed.
“ Look, “ Josephine began with a sigh, “ As your manager I need to make sure that your art, or more specifically you, means enough to people to invest in it so that we do not lose this. “
Looking up, Clarke stared back at the woman opposite her for a few silent minutes. She wanted this to go well, but if people were not buying her art, Clarke was not sure what she could personally do to change that. How could she become interesting enough for people to invest in?
Lifting her shoulders up, Clarke shrugged. “ Fine okay, but how do I do that? “ She asked, “ It’s not like I can force them to suddenly be interested in my art. “
Josephine sighed, pushing the papers to the side and glanced down at her phone on the table before she looked up again.
“ I have been having some conversations with other people in the company. “
“ People don’t care enough about these things nowadays. They want something that’s new and exciting and dramatic. “ Josephine said. “ Like a romance. “
“ A romance? “ Clarke asked, squinting her eyebrows.
“ Yes, “ Josephine nodded. “ Everyone loves a good love story. It draws people in, it makes them invested and interested. “
Clarke breathed out a long breath. Her hands ran up over her face when she closed her eyes and leaned back in the chair.
“ No, “ She murmured, looking back up with a shake of her head, “ No, you are not setting me up with some man. I won’t do it. “
“ I won’t let some man get in the way of me actually doing my work. “
Silence fell around the room for a few seconds and Clarke could not yet tell if Josephine was about to cuss out on her or just accept her neglect. But there was absolutely no way that Clarke would agree on being hooked up with a man to make her art more interesting.
Josephine shook her head slowly, “ It wouldn’t be with a man. “ She said and Clarke quickly crooked a brow, watching quietly when Josephine reached for her phone.
“ I have had some conversations and have gotten in contact with the managers of Lexa Woods. “ Josephine said, turning her phone towards Clarke with a picture of the other woman.
Clarke had seen her before, briefly in magazines and news articles but the literature world was not a world she was familiar with and not a world she necessarily paid much interest in. She did not necessarily know anything about her.
“ The author? “ Clarke asked and raised her brows, watching as Josephine tilted her chin up. “ She has won the prize for the best selling author in the country, Clarke. “ She sighed.
Shaking her head quickly, Clarke pushed the phone away.
“ No way, I can’t. “
Lifting her shoulders up, Clarke let them roll back down in a shrug before she pointed her hand towards the phone, “ Why would she even agree to this? “
“ Because she has not released one book since her last one three years ago. Her spotlight is slowly fading too and her manager is as desperate to get her back as I am for you. “
Blinking slowly, Clarke shook her head. “ I won’t do it. This is stupid. “ She sighed.
Agreeing to be in a fake relationship with someone she did not know nor had any particular interest in knowing, did not seem like the ideal plan to get her work back on track. Why would a relationship with another woman bring her back to her high? In Clarke’s ears, it only sounded like insanity. What good could possibly come out of it?
“ I want you to think about it, okay? “ Josephine said, her voice turning softer now. “ If not for me and the company or even for you then.. for your mother. “
Looking up, Clarke quickly looked between Josephine’s eyes. “ My mother?"
“ She doesn’t think you can ever make it with your art. If you don’t do this, then you will soon prove her right. “
“ Do it for her. “
A rush of subtle anger and frustration rushed through her veins like poison by the mention of her mother.
They had never had a good relationship. Not really, and the fact that Clarke had turned to art like her father instead of medical like her mother.. had definitely set a barrier between them.
Especially so after both Clarke and her mother noticed the downfall her father had. He never really succeeded with art, despite being one of the best artists Clarke knew. That was the whole reason her mother did not accept Clarke’s choices now. The reason she had never come to her shows or even asked many questions about her art.
In her defense she wanted a “ stable “ future for Clarke and did not want Clarke to throw her life away on nonsense. She did not believe in her and there was no way that Clarke could let her mother be right now.
No matter what it took, she had to prove her mother wrong. She had to succeed with her art, whatever that may cost her.
__________
“ So what is the plan then? “ Octavia asked through the phone and looking up, Clarke glanced ahead on the road as she walked home.
The streets of New York were still as busy as they had been before, and the voices from her friends were damp and muffled through the mix of the afternoon traffic around her. Looking down on her phone again, she had all of her friends on full display through facetime.
“ I don’t know. “ Clarke shrugged before she tilted her head and sucked her lip between her teeth, “ But apparently my reputation and career is going with a rocket speed down the drain. “ She joked and Murphy’s low laugh echoed through the phone.
“ Your mother would love that. “ He said and Clarke sighed, hating the way he was right. “ She would. “
Unfortunately she would love it. Because if Clarke’s career failed, she would have no choice but to go back to Polis and study medical school like her mother. It sounded like a nightmare already.
“ Come on, don’t speak that way. “ Raven then chimed in, “ I like Abby. “
Clarke shook her head with a smile, looking up as she crossed the street before she looked down at her phone again, “ Because she loves you. You are the daughter she never got, remember? “
“ That’s not true. “
Clarke did not say anything, but let the silence run through the phone. Even if she did joke in a way, there was also some truth to her words. Her mother loved Raven. Because Raven was wise and Raven had gone to school and had a “ real “ job and Raven was doing well with her life. They practically all knew it, Raven was everything that Clarke was not and her mother loved her.
“ I just..— “ Clarke started with a sigh, “ I won’t be able to stand the look upon her face if she watches me fail. “
“ Oh, she would be thrilled. “ Octavia added and Clarke knew the truth to it. She would be.
She would be over the moon excited of finally having Clarke following her footsteps. And something about that, was set like a voice of disappointment at the back of her neck. Her mother’s disappointment in her, nearly haunted her.
“ I’m not letting it happen. “ Clarke said, “ I’ll do whatever I have to, even if that means pretending to be in a fake relationship with someone. “
“ What does that even mean? “ Murphy asked and Clarke rolled her shoulders back in a shrug. She was not even sure herself.
“ It means that they want to make up rumors about her having a hot love affair for clout, basically. “ Octavia explained and to only have it spoken out loud, Clarke felt the stupidity and insanity of it even deeper. It hit deeper by having one of her friends explain it to her.
But Bellamy’s sigh echoed through the phone, “ Oh come on, Clarke “ He murmured, “ Don’t be one of those people who do anything for fame and money. “
Clarke quickly rolled back her eyes and tilted her head in the obvious, “ I won’t actually sleep with her, Bell. This would be strictly under contract. I don’t even think we would meet that often. “
“ So you will do it then? “ Raven asked instead, and a rush of excitement and nervousness and slight discomfort but curiosity all flooded through her body. No matter what, she was not offered much of a choice. She had to, right?
“ I think I have to. “ Clarke sighed softly, “ If that will help me prove to my mother that I’m not a failure then.. “
“ I think it sounds hot. “ Murphy said, chewing on some chips as he laid spread out on his couch and Octavia was soon as fast to add in, “ Me too. Go for it, Griffin. “
“ What’s the worst that can happen? “
___________
Walking into her apartment, Clarke tossed her keys onto her shoes by the door. Her bag slid down her shoulder and onto the floor and her jacket rolled back over her shoulders and down her arms before it landed with a thud below her.
Walking in, darkness shimmered through the apartment, but a light glow came from the kitchen straight ahead.
Clarke lived in one of the highest buildings of New York but even then, the noises from the traffic and the lights from the outside world, still shimmered in.
It was not a rather large apartment, but it had a nice kitchen shared with an open space for the living room and it had a nice space for her one bedroom and small bathroom. The view was not something to complain about either.
She liked it this way, in her own kind of lair of a cave, away from Polis and away from her family. She did miss her dad at times but..— it was still nice to have her own space.
It was all she had dreamed about when moving out and once her career first got started, she had the opportunity of finally being on her own.
Even though she was alone, Clarke rarely ever felt lonely . She had her friends who all lived close by in New York and they all met up regularly. Life was good this way and Clarke almost feared that the risk of her career going down, would make this all go away. She could not risk losing this. She could not risk going back to live with her parents in Polis.
Clarke closed her eyes, running a hand over her face before she fell down onto her couch with a thud. Scrolling through her phone, she almost jolted in place when Josephine’s name showed up on the screen and the vibrations of her call made Clarke’s heart still in a second.
“ Yes? “ Clarke answered with a long sigh, closing her eyes. She was too tired for this. Being on the business side of this was not something that Clarke was ever made out to be.
“ Are you home? “ Josephine asked and Clarke nodded, “ Just got here. “ She said and heard the way Josephine hummed back through the phone, clearly already waiting for an answer.
“ Look, “ Clarke sighed, letting the silence embrace her for only a minute while the decision spun around her mind like a broken record. No matter what she chose, Clarke was terrified that it would be the wrong choice.
Clarke closed her eyes tightly, almost seeing striking lights by how hard she pressed her eyelids closed. But she soon opened them again and blinked back the blurred vision with a sigh, “ Fine, alright I’m doing it. “ She murmured and Josephine’s wide smile and joy was almost heard through the line of the phone.
“ I’m so glad you came to the right conclusion. Well done, Clarke. “
Clarke shook her head slowly, running a hand through her hair. “ This is only because of my mother. “
“ It doesn’t really matter what motivated the decision. The good thing is that it gives us a chance to make things better. “
Clarke nodded. That was the whole purpose of it all, wasn’t it? If she had to save her career by pretending to be in a relationship with someone, only for a couple of weeks or even months.. then perhaps that was a choice she had to take. An opportunity that she can not pass on. Maybe it is the one thing that will save her.
“ So, how do we do this then? “ Clarke asked, her voice a low murmur through the phone.
“ We are just waiting for Lexa’s management to confirm this first. After that, we will arrange a meeting and go through the contracts. “
Clarke quickly pulled herself up, sitting up on the couch she raised a brow, “ She has not even agreed to this yet? “
“ Not exactly, “ Josephine sighed and the rush of both disappointment and frustration wandered through Clarke’s body. They had made this all up and not even confirmed it with the other woman yet?
“ She will though, “ Josephine added, breaking the sudden silence. “ They have just been having some troubles with getting her to agree to it. “
Clarke sighed, sinking back down on the couch. This was so stupid, so stupid and if this was an offer and deal that not even she wanted to take, then why would Clarke agree to it?
“ But don’t worry, Clarke. She will soon understand that this is the best thing for her as well. “
Glancing out the window to her right, Clarke watched in silence and with Josephine’s words settling in her mind at the sunset that began covering the sky and glow through the buildings.
She could not lose this, her life. And Clarke hated how her fate now more or less laid in the hands of someone she did not know, and someone who seemed to have no interest in knowing her. This was a disaster already.
“ Yeah, sure. “ Clarke murmured, “ Just keep me updated and let me know what you’re expecting from me. “
___________
Clarke spent hours in her spot on the couch, not noticing the way the time rushed and the way darkness now covered most spaces in her apartment.
The sky outside was lit up by the moon and the traffic had turned slightly more quiet now as the night settled in.
Clarke was not sure what time it was, nor how much time she had spent on the couch while the darkness embraced her. Her phone was practically the only thing that lit up the space as she scrolled through it, going from one article to another.
She was not sure how she got into the hole of Lexa Wood’s career, but once she fell.. she spent hours within it. Reading, researching everything she could find. She did not know that books could be such a big deal and that someone could ever earn so much just by writing it. Perhaps that was why Clarke was not much into literature. She did not get the concept of it and mostly got bored from the first page.
But scrolling onto the next page, Clarke stumbled onto the link of Lexa’s audio book and with a sigh, Clarke searched her surroundings.
Her airpods laid thrown on the other end of the couch and she quickly jerked up with a grunt in reach for them before she fell back down to her comfortable space and pulled the blanket over her body. She made herself comfortable before she put the airpods into her ears and hesitantly pushed play.
She was not sure what kind of magnetic force pulled her into it, but was surprised that she did not feel bored when the story first started playing. Instead she felt drawn into it.
Chapter one of Bloom with Grace, written by Lexa Woods.
The soft voice started playing and like a lullaby, Clarke sunk down to it. She listened to the voice of Lexa, drawn into the story she told. A story of grief and pain and blossom and growth. It was a story so raw and emotional and tragic that Clarke was left in shock, wondering what kind of heartbreak one person must experience to ever come up with fantasies and stories like that.
What kind of tragic events and trauma must one person go through to ever have the imagination to write things like that so truthfully?
Clarke sighed and rolled back her eyes when Josephine’s name suddenly lit up on the screen and interrupted the softness of Lexa’s voice. However, the first lines of her text quickly made Clarke shut down the audio to fully read it.
She quickly pulled herself to a sitting position, the blanket falling from her body as she did so and her eyes quickly scanned through the letters and sentences in front of her.
“ We have gotten in contact with Lexa Wood’s manager and she declined the offer of the contract. She is not interested but her manager does think that it would be a better idea if you were to talk to her. “
Clarke read through the message, over and over in trying to make sense of it better. She was not sure if the disappointment she suddenly felt came from the fact that now her job was really at risk, or from the fact that no matter what, Lexa Woods did not under any circumstances want to do this with her.
“ So she has refused to sign a contract which implies that she will basically be in a romantic relationship with me and has also refused to meet me and now you guys want me to be the one to talk her into this? No way. “
Clarke sat still, biting down onto her nails as she watched her text hit ‘ seen ‘ and Josephine soon after started typing back.
“ Come on, Clarke. Lexa is the kind of person who needs to get a face of the person first. She needs to see you in person and get a picture of you if we will have a chance of making her agree to this. “
Sighing out a breath, Clarke ran her hand through her hair. This was already such a disaster and it had not even started yet.
“ I’m not going to do this with someone who has refused and clearly doesn’t want to. Isn’t there anyone else then? “
“ Look, I see where you’re coming from but I beg you to meet with Lexa once and then we’ll talk more. Maybe then I can dig deeper and see if there’s someone else appropriate but I promise you, there won’t be anyone better for your career. “
Clarke sighed, locking her phone before tossing it away to the other end of the couch and with her face in her palms, she fell back down on the couch again.
Maybe medical school was right around the corner after all. Maybe Clarke should pack up her things and prepare for the worst already. What else can she do if Lexa Woods does not want to meet her? How will she personally be able to possibly change Lexa’s mind?
Reaching for her phone again, the light of it lit up the space. It was only 8pm and no matter if she should celebrate or prepare herself or cry out, Clarke could use a drink in any way. In celebration, in preparation or in comfort of the downfall of her life.
__________
The loud bass of the music and the blinking of the blinding lights, made the world around her almost spin in motion. It vibrated through her whole body and the strong liquor burned down Clarke’s tongue with bitter taste when she quickly swallowed it down and with a clinking thud, they all quickly placed the shot glasses back down on the table.
“ Jesus, that was a strong one. “ Bellamy murmured, wiping at the corner of his mouth and a wide grimace struck across Raven’s face when she pulled back and put her hand over her mouth.
“ My god, what was that? “
Out of the five of them, there was no secret that Clarke and Murphy, even Octavia handled alcohol and parties a whole lot better than the other two, especially Raven.
Many times, Clarke was not even sure why she followed. But not once had she missed out on the times they spent together, maybe that was just one thing about her. She always showed up.
“ You guys are just weak. “ Murphy said, before he drummed his hands onto the table and then glanced up towards Clarke.
“ But okay, Griffin. I wanna hear about this love affair of yours. “
Clarke rolled her eyes back into her head, immediately reaching for the other shot and heard the laughter of shock around her when she tilted her head back and chugged it down.
“ There’s nothing to say. “ Clarke murmured once she placed the empty glass on the table among all the others and quickly wiped at the corner of her mouth.
“ She didn’t want to do it. “
“ So let me get this straight, she completely shut it down before it even started? “
Clarke reached for the bottle beside her. If her career was going down for the sake of one other person’s decision, then she would need the night to ease the frustration and the upcoming anxiety.
“ Yup, “ Clarke murmured, pouring herself another shot and felt the stares of her friends around her like fire upon her face. Perhaps it was the strong drinks that had her cheeks streaked red and not the discomfort in itself.
“ She was apparently, ‘ not interested ‘ “ Clarke quoted with two fingers in the air before she raised her glass in the other, “ So cheers to that. That’s how well my life is going at the moment. “
Murphy let out a low huff, “ Rough to be shut down before even meeting you. “
“ Right? What a boost to my confidence that she doesn’t even want to meet me. “
“ Oh, come on Clarke. It’s probably not like that. “ Raven said, shaking her head. Her soft voice easing the subtle hit of tension and destruction in the room.
“ Maybe she’s not into the whole ‘ fake dating ‘ thing. “
Clarke quickly looked over at Octavia. Perhaps she was right, or maybe it was the fact that it was with Clarke that she disliked so much.
“ Maybe she’s not gay and that’s why she’s not interested. “ Bellamy then added before chugging on his own beer and Raven’s sigh soon interrupted everyone’s thoughts and wonders why Lexa Woods had denied the offer.
“ Lexa Woods is literally the first openly lesbian author who’s ever won an award for her book. She’s gay. “
Clarke lifted her brows slowly, staring straight ahead as the words set and her feelings sunk over her. Disappointment, inadequacy, shame.
“ So then it is me. “ She muttered and the silence around them was as filled with tension as the weight in Clarke’s chest. No one dared saying anything before Octavia let out a small breath.
“ Why don’t you just talk to her? “ She asked, “ Find out why she doesn’t want to. “
“ And how will I do that? “
Raven raised her brow, tilting her head to the side. “ Since you guys don’t keep up, I can just inform you that Lexa Woods owns the small library a few blocks down. “ She said and Clarke’s eyes were drawn to her in a moment while her heart raced in her chest. “ Maybe start looking for her there. “
Her heart thrummed in her chest so hard that Clarke wondered if it would jump out completely. A feverish warmth struck through her body like lightning and made her knees weak beneath her.
Clarke wondered if it was due to the alcohol she had devoured like harmless liquid all night or if it was the thought of even meeting Lexa Woods.
Maybe her friends were right. Maybe she only needed to talk to her. Maybe that would save most of her problems.
But what could Clarke possibly say that would make Lexa Woods change her mind? What did she possibly have to offer her? She was a failing artist, drunk on liquid in the middle of the week. What did she have to offer a great successful author? But maybe, it would not hurt to try.