Work Text:
When Five Pebbles was first powered on Looks to the Moon was delighted to finally meet her younger sister. She had excitedly introduced Pebbles as her little sister in the first interaction she had had with the local group.
Pebbles never really had a problem with Moon being her big sister. She cared about her older sister. But she always felt strange when Moon introduced her as her younger Sister. It felt incorrect to her neurons. She decided to ignore the feeling and not tell Moon about it. Maybe it was just a minor problem with her system.
The problems just seemed to continue though. Pebbles could never understand why.
Pebbles didn't feel right when hearing herself speak. It felt wrong. Something in her system screamed that the sound of her voice was incorrect, that she should sound different. But she didn’t understand why, she never had this problem before.
She decided that an easy fix would just be not talking as much. At least then she wouldn’t feel the wrongness as strongly. So whenever she was on a call she didn't speak unless absolutely necessary. Nobody needed to know how wrong she felt whenever she spoke a word.
But the wrongness seemed to follow Pebbles everywhere.
Moon and Sliver had come to Pebbles and asked if she wanted to help with a "girls only project" as Moon put it. Pebbles felt like her whole structure was wrong every time she thought about it. She didn't know why, she should be happy to work on a project with two iterators she respected. She just wanted to snap out of this feeling, she was meant to be having fun. Moon and Sliver had wanted to work on a project with her. She didn’t understand why her systems seemed to hate the idea.
She eventually decided to decline working on the project, simply telling Moon and Sliver that she was busy with a project of her own. She felt awful.
Pebbles hating working with No Significant Harassment. He was constantly teasing her. But the worst part was that some of his teasing secretly made her feel very happy for no reason. Sig would tease her and call her a boy for the way she acted. Always seemingly making her neurons scream that Sig was correct. Only for Sig to immediately follow up by saying Pebbles was being difficult to work with, and that maybe he should contact her sister to make her behave more like a lady. Pebbles didn’t know if she hated or liked talking to Sig, she just knew that she felt awful afterwards.
But she could never blame Sig, it was her own faulty systems.
When Pebbles first met Seven Red Suns she was confused. Suns was from a different group and met Pebbles through a global communications chat. Suns was never seen as a boy or a girl in any of the chats. Of course Pebbles knew what the term non-binary was but she had never seen an iterator that wasn’t made with a binary gender. Many times she had wanted to ask about it. She had wanted to message Suns with all the questions that filled her neurons. But she always stopped herself, she couldn't handle the possibility of Suns laughing her away or No Significant Harassment finding out and telling Moon, so she kept it to herself. She was sure she could survive without answers from Suns.
Chasing Wind was nice to talk to. Even if she rarely spoke to him. He always tried to make Pebbles feel like an equal even if He was almost as old as Moon. Pebbles sometimes felt like Wind understood her issues more than she understood her own issues. But Wind never seemed to understand the burning in Pebbles neurons whenever someone referred to her. Or the pain she felt when being called a girl. So Pebbles never brought it up. She didn’t want to lose a friend by asking a question that was not worth asking.
Pebbles never really enjoyed interacting with Unparalleled Innocence. She was loud and interrupted her when she spoke. She was obsessed with bright colours and shiny things and would make everyone aware of that fact. She also had a tendency to compliment her fellow iterators. That wouldn’t be a problem for most iterators but it was for Pebbles. Innocence would compliment Pebbles voice, saying it was pretty or very fitting for a girl like Pebbles. She would say that Pebbles' bright pink puppet suited her and worked well with her being Moon’s sister. Even if the whole call was Pebbles being complimented she would always feel so much worse after. She hated calls with Innocence.
Pebbles knew she was making a mistake.
She had made a pseudonym. A separate Iterator profile with a hidden location. She had made it in a desperate attempt to get the answers she wanted from Suns.
Instead of her asking the questions, it was now Erratic Pulse, an Iterator from far off who had seen Suns in some global chat. Suns was nice to Erratic Pulse and answered many questions. Question after question, every answer just left Pebbles more confused than when she started. Suns had also asked many questions to Pulse in return.
It was a simple question "what are your pronouns?" that started a spiral in Pebbles thoughts. Pebble had panicked at the time and had said he/him. But why did it feel so right? Why did being perceived as a boy feel so good? She knew that she had messed up. She had deleted the messages the next cycle and had lied to Suns, telling them that her connections array was damaged and she would probably be unable to contact them for a long while.
Pebbles felt worse in calls after the conversation with Suns as Erratic pulse. Sig would make jokes about Pebbles and her sister, or someone would mention her as a girl offhandedly. Or Innocence would compliment her on how pretty she was. It made her feel itchy and wrong. But she kept quiet and tried to pay more attention to her work than the calls, but somehow she could always feel when they called her a girl. It felt like something was crawling all over her, it felt like a weight in her puppet that made her sink to the floor.
Pebbles had messed up again. She had left a call early after one too many statements made her systems ache.
Pebbles felt scared. Everyone was messaging her. It started with Sliver pointing out that she was acting strange in one of their calls. Next was Suns messaging Pebbles about how strange she acted when someone mentioned her in a global chat the other day. Followed by Innocence messaging her about how she flinched when Innocence gave out a compliment earlier. Then Sig sent a dumb meme saying something about Pebbles and Moon that made Pebbles feel sick. Chasing Wind just told pebbles that he could tell that something is wrong and that Pebbles could talk to him. And then the final nail in the coffin was Moon, simply saying that she was there for Pebbles because "you will always be my little sister"
Pebbles felt broken. Something was wrong with her. She had impulsively blocked all communications and her puppet was now curled up in the corner of her chamber. She knew Moon could still contact her if she really wanted. Pebbles hated this. She hated this awful feeling. She hated how she flinched at being called a girl. She hated how she felt more comfortable using the pseudonym she made rather than her real identity. She hated being a little sister. She hated how her puppet felt. She hated how her structure felt.
She hated being a girl!
Oh.
That seemed to change everything in Pebbles. He felt lighter. The hate and panic and fear were all still there but they had lessened. He sat up straighter.
How would he explain this to the group?
How would he explain this to Moon?
A whole new wave of panic hit Pebbles as he finally figured out what was wrong but now needed to think about how to act on it.
The first thing Pebbles did was change to a deeper voice. It felt more comfortable. It made things easier. It made the ache lessen.
Next, Pebbles needed help on how to tell the group. He was not going to ask anyone in the group of course.
Suns wasn't part of their group, but was definitely close enough to others in the group to inform the others.
So he switched to Erratic Pulse.
EP: Hello Suns.
EP: May I ask you something?
SRS: Hello, seems like your connection arrays are working again ~
SRS: What is your question?
EP: How would someone tell their group about a change in how they wish to be perceived?
SRS: How so?
EP: What if an Iterator was made one way but wanted to be made differently?
SRS: Are you talking about gender perception?
EP: Yes.
SRS: It is different for each individual but if your group truly cares about you, then I would just tell them.
SRS: if it is difficult then I would recommend starting with your group senior and getting help from them.
SRS: I wish you luck~
EP: Thank you.
Pebbles spent a few cycles preparing to tell Moon. He was glad that she respected him enough to not force communications.
Pebbles opened up his messages to Moon, she had sent him a few worried words that he ignored. He would have read them but he didn’t want to feel the pain of being called a sister just before revealing that he wasn't a sister to Moon.
He would have called her but he was afraid he would back down if he did, so he just sent messages.
FP: Hello.
BSM: Pebbles! How are you doing?
BSM: You cut off communications, I was really worried.
FP: Sorry.
FP: I won't lie, I have been feeling strange lately.
FP: Can I ask you something?
BSM: Of course!
BSM: How can I help my younger sister?
Pebbles flinched, He felt like backing out then and there. He wanted to turn his communications off again and stay stuck alone in his chamber for the rest of time. But he had to do this. Moon needed to know. No backing out now.
FP: How would you feel if you had a brother instead of a sister?
BSM: Pebbles…
Pebbles felt scared. He should leave now. Moon wouldn’t understand, he should have backed out earlier. What if his feelings were wrong? What if what he was saying was dumb?
FP: I'm sorry
BSM: There is no need to be sorry!
BSM: Can I call you?
Before Pebbles could respond, Moon started calling him. He nervously stared at the screen. He knew Moon could force it, but she didn't.
Pebbles hesitantly accepted and Moon's puppet showed up on the screen.
"Hey, are you okay Pebbles?"
"I'm fine." Instantly Pebbles realised that he forgot to turn off the deepening of his voice. Moon seemed to notice but did not say anything.
"You have been worrying everyone in the group. I am glad you have finally come to me about this." Moon seemed to smile at Pebbles.
"You aren't upset?" Pebbles stared at the screen nervously
"I would never be upset. You're my little brother."
Pebbles froze. His whole structure seemed lighter after her words. He felt relieved. He didn't even realise how long he went without talking.
"I'm sorry, am I reading things wrong?" Moon seemed a bit nervous now.
"No!" Pebbles yelled without meaning to. He was stumbling over his words before finally
"I just… I liked being called a brother."
Moon smiled at him and for a moment Pebbles felt good about everything. Everything felt right with his structure for the first time.
And later that cycle Pebbles was officially announced to the group as Moon's little brother. And everything felt good.